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Updated: Nov 11, 2021 166 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Faux Fur Throw

Coffee Break |

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Last year for Christmas we got my in-laws a faux fur throw from Pottery Barn, and I've kind of wanted one ever since. It made sense for them since they live in a very, very cold area (and on the water); for my household it makes a bit less sense since my kids are more likely to get bubblegum stuck in it and not tell me.

But — note that the early Black Friday sales are starting, and there are some crazy deals to be had, both at Pottery Barn and West Elm and their other sister stores. These faux fur chinchilla throws (pictured) are washable, animal friendly, OEKO-TEX certified, and allegedly crazy soft. (The instructions even say to tumble dry!) They're currently on sale with a limited time offer of $60-$120 depending on color and size.

(These faux fur throws are even less because they're part of the West Elm clearance sale — but their care instructions mostly say dry clean. Pottery Barn also has a ton of faux fur throws as part of its sales!)

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Sales of note for 9.10.24

Sales of note for 9.10.24

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Comments

  1. FirstXmasTree

    I am considering buying my first Christmas tree. I am from a country/culture where Christmas is not the biggest holiday so I have no experience with this. I have cats so I am considering buying a fake one (although I feel bad about the plastic, but hopefully it will last a long time). Any tips? Affordable faux ones (I have looked at the Wirecutter recommendations and am not looking to spend more than $200) you love? What about decorating it? If not a star, what can go on top? Any rituals you have re the tree I can steal? When do you put it up and take it down? Tell me everything, please!

    TIA!

    • Anon

      Faux ones are so terrible for the environment – once in a landfill, they’ll be there for millennia. Ok, that aside, the fun stuff :)

      People put angels or glass cones or stars on top.

      When to put it up and take it down varies by family. Growing up, our tree went up after the 15th of December because that’s when we could afford to go buy a real one. Lots of people do it the weekend of Thanksgiving because everyone’s at home and has time off. Historically, trees didn’t go up until Christmas because the traditional “twelve days of Christmas” don’t start until then and run until Epiphany, January 6. I take it down before New Years because I like to start the new year with a clean slate.

      I always watch the classic movie White Christmas while decorating our tree.

      • Horse Crazy

        Serious question – isn’t having millions, if not billions, of trees cut down every year for Christmas also bad for the environment? I’m not trying to start an argument, but I’ve been wondering about this lately.

        • Anonymous

          This has been studied alone. In short, yes. But the alternative to plastic trees isn’t no trees and real is better than fake.

        • AnonInfinity

          No– these are trees that are grown on tree farms, and harvesting from these farms encourages sustainable growth. The farms are basically like maintained forests, and buying the trees encourages tree farmers to keep maintaining the little forests, which is very good for the environment. Here’s a good link about it from the Nature Conservancy: https://www.nature.org/en-us/what-we-do/our-priorities/protect-water-and-land/land-and-water-stories/real-vs-fake-christmas-tree/

        • Anonymous

          It’s not because trees are renewable. They can be turned into wood chips (many towns offer this service), or otherwise decompose. Planting new trees generates more Christmas trees and while they are growing, they absorb CO2.

          Plastic doesn’t decompose, is not renewable and I’m not aware of any plastic tree recycling programs because usually they are made up of multiple type of materials which is expensive and tricky to recycle.

          You have to use a plastic tree for like 25-30 years for the environmental cost to start to even out. Not many people are still using a tree they bought in 1990.

          • Anonymous

            You’re the exception to the rule then. Most studies show that people replace their fake tree on average every 7-10 years.

          • No Face

            I actually have a hand-me down plastic tree from the 1990s, but I really appreciate this information. I will get real trees after I’m done with this one. (10, 15 years from now)?

          • Anon

            I’m using a tree I bought in 2003 with no end in sight, plus the last “real” tree got made me wheeze and sneeze for the entire time it was up. We had to take it down December 26 because I just couldn’t handle it anymore.

            Everyone makes their environmental trade offs. For instance I drive much less than most people do. You have to do what works for you.

          • LaurenB

            Ha, my father was severely allergic so we had fake trees and easily used them for 20+ years. Because of that, I never really saw the appeal of a real tree. We didn’t really do rituals though – my mother decorated it beautifully, it wasn’t really a family ritual. I married a Jewish man and raised my own family Jewish so avoided the whole thing! I say create whatever rituals you want.

        • Anon

          Also, pine trees trap a ton of carbon when they are growing, especially in the first few years — so it’s actually a net pro for the environment. In NYC, the city collects them in January and uses them for mulch for the parks and to prevent erosion on beaches.

        • Aunt Jamesina

          On top of all the other reasons presented here, they also make great wildlife habitats, compost, or mulch once you’re done with them.

      • Flats Only

        And the fake one will last for decades, especially if you don’t buy a pre-lit model so you don’t throw it away when the lights stop working. It’s not like you buy a fake one every year.

      • Anonymous

        Pretty sure the number of tissues I would use if I got anywhere near a real tree would offset the environmental impact of my once-every-20-year fake tree purchase.

      • Anonymous

        I learned something! My grandma’s fake tree from the 1980s is still going strong and I now plan ask for it when she dies (there will be no fights for it;). I’ll save it from the landfill and my kids will love a second tree to complement our big real one!

    • Anon

      If you buy a fake tree and want to keep it a long time, don’t buy one with the built in lights. Those tend to go before the tree has lived out its useful life.

      We collect a few new ornaments every year. We put up the tree after thanksgiving on a weekend night and drink spiked eggnog while listening to Christmas music. We have collected a bunch of old Christmas CDs (yeah, CDs because we started a long time ago) like Perry Como and Ella Fitzgerald and Bing Crosby, because I generally hate more recent recordings of people trying to put their own spin on the songs.

    • Vicky Austin

      We had an angel on the top when I was a kid. My parents liked to buy real ones from the local guys so we usually waited to go get them until a week or two into December, and then put it up on my mom’s birthday (mid-Dec). We kids reveled in being allowed to “help with” (completely take over) decorating it. Each member of the family had a few ornaments that were “theirs” to hang. Because there are two more family birthdays between Christmas and New Year’s, we usually left it up until the first couple days of January and took it down right before everyone went back to school.

      But really, there are no rules!

      • Anon

        Your parents bough real angels from local guys? I need to hear more about this. :)

    • AIMS

      One of the best things about a Xmas tree is how nice they smell so I would def opt for a real one. The cats thing doesn’t make a difference with real vs fake, if anything fake is easier for them to climb.

      If you get ornaments, keep in mind some are very heavy and will only hang nicely on a fake tree (anything ceramic, etc.). I like retro-ish glass balls (west elm has some cute ones).

      What cats may do is knock off ornaments. For that reason I would hang glass higher up and use things that won’t break if knocked down on the lower branches. I have kids and they are similar to cats in wanting to knock things down so we have some really prettier paper mache ornaments that are indestructible.

      I like a star on top, myself but options vary. Buy more lights than you think you need. I would also start with a smaller tree b/c it’s easier to decorate and adjust too. Something cute and chubby and cheerful.

      For timing, I tend to keep mine up into January so don’t like to put up before mid December but anytime after thanksgiving is considered acceptable (and the timing creeps every year).

      For traditions, I like drinking hot cider (with rum) or mulled wine while decorating and stocking up on new ornaments at the after Xmas sales.

    • anon

      Faux trees may be horrible for the environment, but they have some advantages: My cheapo 3 foot tree from a big box store has lasted over a decade and still going strong. It’s prelit and easy to assemble. Faux trees are meant to be used year after year. Faux trees will not cause allergic reactions if that’s a concern. Faux trees do not have to be watered.
      That being said if this is your first year to try a tree, maybe try a real tree this year and if you like it, but don’t like the required maintenance buy a faux tree on sale after the season ends. If you love the smell and natural charm of a real tree though, by all means go for it. I hear it’s fun to pick out the tree and bring it home.
      I haven’t seen a consistent approach to tree decorating since social media became the place to show off your accomplishments. Tree trimming is truly a personal taste (or slavery to the latest trend or trying to come up with something ‘different’) thing. That said, I like simple. I have a few ornaments I adore that I put on my tiny tree. I also have just put a star on top and left it undecorated some years. I’ve folded paper stars to make a homemade garland. There’s a myriad of things you can do. If you are starting from scratch going to the store and buying a few ornaments you ADORE may be fun, and if you have any crafting skills make the rest of the embellishments. Is there a color or christmas theme you find yourself liking as you look around? Run with it!
      I am a big light and star themed person for the Christmas season, so I have no issue with a dark tree skirt, lots of lights on the tree, and a star topper. I avoid angel tree toppers, and the more traditional red with white trim color schemes but that’s just me. You may find you love them! Bottom line is you can’t go wrong. There’s no wrong way to do this that I know of! Make it as fun as possible though. Consider having snacks and music going and make it an event everyone in the household if you go with a big tree – the act of decorating and enjoying the finished product is what makes the memories and there isn’t a right or wrong way to do it.

      • PolyD

        Also if you like the smell of real pine, you could just get a real pine wreath or some pine greenery and hang it inside.

        If the lights go out on a fake tree, I guess you could just add some strings of lights. Put enough ornaments and garland on it and you probably won’t even notice the burnt out lights.

    • Mrs. Jones

      We have a fake tree that we’ve had for years. We collect ornaments at places we visit. An angel goes on top. We put it up the weekend after Thanksgiving and take it down a little after New Year’s.

    • Anon

      I will NEVER buy a live tree again. There’s only so many holidays I’m willing to wake up to spider or cricket infestations. Evergreens are bug nurseries, y’all. (Also, do you know how many baby spiders a cat can eat before projectile vomiting across the walls? I do!)

      My favorite tree tradition is that our vacation souvenirs are always ornaments. It’s nice at the end of the year to pull them all out of the box, and reminisce about our travels while we trim the tree.

      • Anonymous

        Where are you buying your trees? We’ve had real trees my whole life and I’ve never seen a spider or a cricket!

      • Anon

        Is this a warmer climate issue? I’ve never had bugs in a tree! That sounds awful though.

        • anne-on

          No, it’s a ‘bug parents lay eggs in trees, bug babies hibernate until spring, you bring the tree inside your nice warm house=spring!, bug babies everywhere’. It is horrifying. Never again for me either.

    • Anon

      If you’re worried about sustainability but don’t want a real one (a good point for bugs, allergies, and clean-up reasons), make then investment to buy a high quality one (without lights) that will last for a very long time. A good quality tree can last a decade or longer.

    • Anonymous

      This is a ‘know your cat’ thing, we have had one who knocks the tree down, one who climbs it each year no problem and two who never go near it. I’d suggest putting it up with nothing breakable to start with and unplugging the lights overnight. We have a fake tree, real ones look nice but seem messy. Our fake one has lasted us years and will hopefully never need changed.

    • Anonymous

      Russian here. The tree goes up on Dec 30-31 (perhaps a couple days earlier but not much earlier than that) and comes down on Jan 14. The tree is not for Christmas (which is on Jan 7, by the way) but for New Year’s Eve.

    • Thanks, it has pockets!

      Personally, I prefer a real tree, but I don’t feel bad about getting a plastic one if that works better with your current situation, as long as you plan on using it for years until it breaks. And if your cat knocking it over is the concern, you might wanna find one with built-in lights (I’m assuming those exist but I could be wrong). A star is definitely my go-to, but an angel is nice too, or maybe a big fancy snowflake.

      That said, if you get a big tree and a sturdy stand (we have one from Whole Foods we love), it’ll probably be hard to knock over, just don’t put anything breakable on the bottom branches and you’ll be fine.

      I like shiny balls, sparkling snowflakes, shimmering pinecones, and icicles. Red, silver, gold, rose gold, even blue are nice on a tree (I think green is kind of redundant). We also like to collect ornaments that hold special significance to us. If you’re doing plastic you can put it up whenever, if you’re getting a real tree I’d get one maybe a couple weeks to a month before Christmas, because they will dry out. I like to light festive scented candles, play Christmas music and drink apple cider mixed with Fireball or caramel vodka, then finish off the evening with a nostalgic Christmas movie like Home Alone or the Santa Claus.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      I much prefer a real tree, and my cats have a weird thing about trying to eating plastic, so I think a real tree is probably safer with the cats, anyway. Mine have never attempted to climb a tree. We get frasier firs and they’re pretty dense with branches, so it may be too hard for the cats to climb. The bigger concern is ornaments. 1) Never, ever use tinsel (like the metallic strings) if you have a cat (because they will eat it). 2) breakable stuff near the top, and get really good ornament hooks 3) I put a few nonbreakable “distraction” ornaments near the bottom that I don’t care if the cats bat off the tree to distract them from the ornaments I do care about and 4) metallic icicle ornaments seem to be a major attraction for cats.

    • Anonymous

      I have cats and we always get a real one. One cat likes to bat at ornaments he can reach, but the others leave it alone. I just hang the ornaments well back from the end of the branch and keep anything fragile up high. I love the smell of a real tree and have never had problems with bugs in trees in MD, NY, MA, FL, and TX. The needles are the most annoying part, but they do make your vacuum smell really good.

      • Anon

        We have to put unbreakable ornaments on all the lower branches, because shiny + swaying is an irresistible combo for them.

    • Anonymous

      I must have strange cats, because none of them have ever messed with the tree. One of them loves to hide under the tree skirt and it’s adorable to see a little lump under there.

      I usually put it up the Friday or Saturday after Thanksgiving when I’m off work. I actually don’t have a tree topper. I have a big bow I put at the top.

      I’ll take it down before New Years because I’m usually off work then too.

    • Mal

      I bought a used faux tree that I love off Facebook marketplace – a budget and environmentally friendly option. :)

    • Anonymous

      One of the environmental organisations where I live, have said “get whichever tree you want and don’t feel bad” in a review of real vs. fake trees – simply because the amount of Christmas presents etc. you buy will have a much bigger impact on the environment than the tree. Pesticides and transport being the “bad” elements of real trees (along with allergies), and of course, the plastic bit with the fake ones. They recommend avoiding PVC for fake trees, and to get one from PE polyethylene plastic, but adds that a real tree you can get locally without using a car is the best.

      I think the idea above of starting with a real tree the first year is good advice.

      For the topper – anything you like! Star, glass spear, angel, santa – or just nothing is fine.

      When I grew up, the tree went up on December 23rd or Christmas Eve, and down again on Twelfth Night (or the last day of the Epiphany a week later). I still take mine down on Twelfth Night, but my (plastic) tree is there all advent as well as Christmas. The cats always tried to eat the decorations, especially the birds (robins).

      As for decorations, I think more varied is better. It’s fun to add something new every year, and if it’s a very strict design or colour theme it’s more difficult to have the pleasure of developing it and changing.

    • Ribena

      I bought a smallish plastic one from IKEA last year – it was my first tree and a real joy. The best bit of it being plastic was that I could put all the stuff away and it cost me nothing at all to decorate this year (which I did yesterday). I haven’t eaten meat since 2019 and I don’t drive, so from a climate perspective I think I’m alright.

    • Anything with chocolate

      Lots of ideas- but for real trees, get a good stand. The cheap ones are not worth it if your tree keeps falling over – dangerous. :(

    • techgirl

      If you get a fake tree spend 30 minutes ‘fluffing’ the tree, bend the branches which will make it look more realistic and fuller. Then put the lights on if not prelit, and then switch them on, stand back and squint your eyes. It makes it easier to see just the lights and you can catch the distribution and adjust so it’s even.
      Wiring baubles on with florist wire means they are more secure, and you can also attach them closer to the branches for less ‘droop’. I put cheaper shiny baubles in the centre of the tree (near the trunk) as they bounce the light around and make it look fuller, and nicer ones on the outside. With baubles I like to have a colour scheme and have a good mix of shapes and sizes.
      A nice tree skirt to hide the stand pulls the look together, but even using a blanket or jute/linen material works well.
      For a star on top, again wire it on to keep it straight and from falling off.

  2. Anon

    Can anyone recommend an Etsy shop (or other) where I can get a custom 2020 Christmas ornament with lots of text? I’ve seen a bunch that have a list of buzzwords for the year – essential worker, Zoom, TP shortage, WFH, etc – but I’d like to personalize the items for us. I’ve only found one Etsy shop that’ll do something like that and it seems she stopped taking custom orders in September. Thanks! https://www.etsy.com/listing/874892335/holiday-christmas-ornament-2020-well

  4. Anon

    I’ve decided to put splurge-ish level skincare on my wishlist for Christmas. The catch is that it must be from Amazon. Don’t bother trying to convince my relatives to order from anywhere else.

    What would you put on your skincare wishlist?

    I have dry sensitive skin.

    • Anon

      Herbivore Blue Tansy face mask and Blue Lapis Oil. (I think Herbivore has an official “store” on Amazon, so it should be genuine products). Their stuff is great. If Tatcha is available, I also like their products.

      • Anon

        Ooh l love Herbivore. I am using their CBD laced facial oil. I didn’t know they had an Amazon store. Thanks!

      • Anon

        Have you tried the Prism oil? Even though I’m dry I still need exfoliation/ help with sebaceous filaments etc, and I’m always looking for something that doesn’t dry me out too much while getting the job done.

        • Anon at 3:04

          I have, and I felt like it dried me out too much. I got their “jewel” gift box last year with all the stuff in it to try and that was part of it. I would say as I’ve gotten older my face has started to run on the dry side, so I can wear the oil at night and it keeps me moisturized with no breakout issues.

    • Anon

      Skincare and cosmetics are very, very prone to fakes on that site, so while I get that you are limited in your wish list options, just be aware that your chances are not good.

      • Anonymous

        +1. I would not put anything on my skin or eat anything from there. Books, scarves, leather goods or something would at least be safer

        • Anon

          I’m only interested in consumables, which is why I’m focused on skincare.

      • BeenThatGuy

        +1 no way would I buy skincare products from Amazon after watching the Netflix Docuseries called Broken.

        But I have recommended here before the benefits of having an at home facial steamer. That can safely be purchased on Amazon.

        • Anon

          Well, I’m not buying them but the sticking to Amazon wishlists is a real thing.

      • Anon

        I am also worried about fakes on Amazon, especially if it’s a more luxury priced product. I’ve bought skincare from WF through Amazon. I would probably try some cheaper Korean or Japanese skincare items on a Amazon wishlist, since hopefully they’re not as worthwhile to counterfeit (though I’d check reviews for the seller).

        • Anon

          I’m trying to figure out what WF is. In my world it’s Wells Fargo, but I think it’s unlikely they sell skincare via Amazon :)

          • Anon

            Ah. I’m open to that if I can put it on my wish list. Any brands you recommend? I get overwhelmed when I go there. I haven’t had great luck with Pacifica, which is basically the only one I’ve tried.

  5. Anon

    What temp do you keep your house at? I just started working from home and I’m freezing. Currently wearing warm socks, leggings, and a Patagonia and yet I’m still cold. Beginning to think maybe the thermostat is the problem, but it’s set to 68 so that should be fine?

      • OP

        I’m with you. I loved when I lived in an apartment building and my utilities were included. I cranked the heat.

    • Horse Crazy

      I keep mine around 68 or 69, but I will say that I think my thermostat lies. It will say it’s 68 and there is NO WAY – it feels much colder than that. But when that happens, I just turn it up to 71 or so and then I’m fine.

    • Anonymous

      I was thinking about this earlier today. I have the house set at 64, but it’s chilly! I like it at night, but I’m thinking it should go up a few degrees during the day while I’m WFH.

    • Anon

      Get an electric blanket! Old school, I know, but so awesome! We have one for our lake house that isn’t exactly a four season house, ha, and we love love love cuddling up under the electric blanket and watching movies on the couch. (I like twin sizes since they’re a bit bigger than throws.)

    • Anon

      67, sadly. Husband runs hot, I run cold except for moments when I don’t (thank you, perimenopause!) so I have to bundle up. The Max and Mia cardigans you all suggested from Costco have been really helpful. I usually wear them with some sort of extra layer over, like a sleeveless vest or a big shawl.

      • Anon

        By the way, I’m talking about daytime temps. We let it go as low as 60 at night.

        If I turned the heat up over 70 I think my husband would have an aneurism.

      • anne-on

        Solidarity, my husband is the same. I fight to keep it at 68. I currently am wearing slippers, a hoodie, and a lap blanket. And it’s not even ‘really’ cold yet. I expect to go full on snuggy in a month.

    • Anon

      I live somewhere with no AC and barely functional heat that we don’t usually have on, so I experience all the temperatures! Under 75 and sitting still for a while, I typically have a blanket on my lap, warm socks and slippers, and a sweater/warm shirt. By 70, I add fingerless gloves and probably another layer on top (puffy vest, thicker sweater, etc.). Once it gets into the low 60s, I also use a heating pad around my neck or on my lap- that’s when I really wish I had heat, but this works better than a space heater. At least my house isn’t drafty- if you have cold air blowing on you, you’ll feel even colder, so do what you can to avoid that.

    • Anonymous

      70 or 71. I’d prefer 73 and DH prefers 67/68 so that’s our compromise.

    • Anon

      Depends on the type of heat you have. I grew up with gas radiant floor heat, and 68 was perfectly fine then. We now have electric forced air, and I’m cold unless it’s at least 72.

      • BeenThatGuy

        The type is heat makes a huge difference. I have radiators circa the 1920’s. If my house is set above 65, we roast. By the time the heat clicks off, the radiators radiate heat for at least another 2 hours.

      • Anonymous

        OMG, in 75 degrees I am wearing a tank top and shorts and still sweating.

    • Anonymous

      67 these days. I will say that our current house is not very drafty – 67 and not drafty feels WAY WARMER than 70 in our previous draftier house. 60-65 at night. My in-laws keep their house at like 55 DURING THE DAY.

    • Anonymous

      Years of living in overheated NYC apartments have broken me. When I was young and paying for my own heat in Boston, I think we turned it down to 68. I have no control over the heat in my apartment, and it is routinely 80 degrees in here in the winter. Now I freeze my butt off when visiting my parents house, which they keep in the low 70s during the day.

      • NYCer

        Ha! Same here. It’s tank tops and shorts all winter in our south facing, no control over heat apartment. It got up to 81 yesterday with the windows open.

    • anon

      DH and I are both working from home and I had determined in September that our heating/electricity bill would be much higher if we both WFH all winter. So we are really working on turning off all lights when we’re not actively using them.

      We have the house set at 68F but we both have individual space heaters for our offices. (Both kids are grown so I have one desk in one room, DH has the other room.) We both wear long sleeved polar fleece or sweaters or jackets over long sleeved turtlenecks to WFH. I may up to an extra sweater and lined tights or pants. At the office I could set my temp at 74F and I was usually warm enough all winter except on blizzard days.

      At night, we lower the temps to 63F and open the windows in our bedroom on all but the days below 32F. We have an automatic thermostat that turns on the heat in the morning before we wake.

    • Marie

      Not sure if you will see this because it’s late, but if you are working in a room in your house with a lot of windows, that may be why you are feeling so cold. To solve this, get thermal curtains/window treatments and make sure you draw them once the sun isn’t coming in.

  6. Anonymous

    Stuck in mod on the earlier post so re-posting here: Is there any point in going on a dating app now? I had deleted them a few months ago to regroup and focus on myself after getting ghosted. Now I’m feeling like I am in a better place to put myself out there, but my city is in a red zone and is falling into winter temperatures. Aren’t any dates just going to be in parkas and masks, uncomfortable and unable to actually see each other’s faces/bodies? Is there a point to that? Or are people on the apps just for penpals during the winter? Trying to gauge whether this would be a waste of time and if I should just resign myself to being single until spring.

    • Anonymous

      It’s up to you. Personally once I’ve been on one outdoor date, if it was good I’m comfortable not being socially distant with that person going forward.

    • Anon

      If you feel up to it and want to do it, I think you should try it! On the theory that you never know when you might meet someone special or even make a new friend. I am not in a cold weather state but I think if you met someone, the first couple of dates are likely outdoors but once you are comfortable with each other, you can do something inside (and warmer!). Also aren’t there places they have outdoor heaters – that could help too! Good luck!

    • ELS

      I’m in a non-hotspot, but very COVID cautious and on the apps. I’m doing a lot more screening before I agree to meet up in person than I would have pre-COVID, and I’m insisting on outdoor meetings (so yeah, walk around a park, in a mask and a parka).

      I’m also newly back out there (stopped seeing someone in August, just re-downloaded about 2 weeks ago). I’m having a second date with someone that I actually had a fantastic time with on date 1 tonight, and am hopeful that things will progress to the point that we’re able to burst the bubble and hang out indoors/within six feet of one another.

      It’s definitely weird, but I say it can’t hurt if you’re willing to put yourself out there.

      FWIW: I’m 35 and divorced in an area that hasn’t been super mask-compliant, and have been able to find men my age that are interested in being safe and still making a human connection, too.

      Whichever way you decide: good luck! It’s a rough time to be single.

      • Anonymous

        Totally not the point, but where is this mythical “not super mask-compliant” but “non-hotspot” area? You’ve got me curious.

        • Anonymous

          Me too. I assume not in the US. It seems local hospitals are nearing capacity or anticipating so most everywhere here.

        • ELS

          I’m in a semi-rural county in Virginia. We have a lot of people who are long distance commuters to NoVA that are now working at home.

          To be clear: we have a mask mandate. People generally wear them in the grocery store (75% of people?). But they’re not wearing them correctly. People on my floor at work don’t wear them unless they’re having external meetings.

    • Anonie

      I’m biased because I met my fiance through a dating app. Admittedly, I was on dating apps off and on for YEARS before I met him and, yes, app-dating was often grueling. I found taking regular breaks helpful. If you get discouraged, cancel your app for a month, and then hop back on when you’re feeling stronger. Wishing you well!

      • Anon

        I have taken dating app breaks before but there’s a real difference between using them now, in a pandemic (especially when it’s getting cold) and in the past when you could easily have a glass of wine inside so I’m not sure this is helpful.

        OP – I’m in the same boat plus I have had a few bad experiences lately. I am taking a break and will probably reassess in March once it starts getting warmer. Going through another lockdown alone, especially during a cold, dark winter is depressing but I feel like it’s better than the alternative.

    • Argon

      I replied on the earlier post (tho it isn’t showing up yet) & see someone else did too, so you might check back there after a bit too.

  7. Editor

    Could someone remind me of the brand of the tights with the deep waistband that I’ve read about here? It’s maybe 10″ deep. Have some and there’s no label.I’m wearing them every day (NOT WFH, going in office) and need to buy a few more pairs.

    Thanks!

    • pugsnbourbon

      Yeah the “waver” attachment looks like it produces a crimp-like look, but I think they’re trying to show the definition on the waves. Like if you used it yourself, you’d be able to make it look more natural.
      My crimping story: when I was in jr high I would blow-dry my hair straight and then crimp one narrow piece on each side. It was … unique.

      • Thanks, it has pockets!

        I would braid my hair while it was still damp so that when I took the braids out it would be . . . well, I was going for wavy, but I guess it was more of a crimp.

    • Friday

      There is a lady at my office who dresses business professional (we skew biz casual is the only reason I say that) and crimps her hair. I can’t decide how I feel about it.

    • Anon

      I guess it goes with the acid washed jeans and high top white sneakers my daughter’s friends are suddenly nuts about.

  9. Anon

    How do you deal with family members that you think are bad people? I have a family member who did a lot of shitty things in life (think Don Draper, serial cheater/homewrecker) and always put their own desires over family. For most of my life I was able to compartmentalize, and still love this person despite their bad acts. But as I get older I think I appreciate more and more how selfish and hurtful this person’s choices were, how he has never acknowledged the deep pain he caused let alone apologized, and I’m just disgusted. Time is deepening my wounds, not healing. I don’t know what I’m looking for. Permission to stop trying at the relationship? To go low contact over 30 year old scars?

    • Monday

      I have someone like this in my extended family. I haven’t put any effort toward him for many years. I am social with him during get-togethers as a gift to his wife, whom I like a lot and who is a good person. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable or feel unwelcome. But if it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t invite him anywhere or have much contact at all. Honestly I think many of us in the family feel this way.

    • Anon

      I have stopped trying with much of my extended family who I feel are not good people. I’m not interesting in investing the time and energy in having a confrontation but I don’t try. If I see them at a family event, I will say hi but don’t really engage. I’m granting you permission to do the same if you feel you need it!

      • Seventh. Sister

        I do the same thing. Just because we are related doesn’t mean we have to have anything other than a cordial relationship. Sometimes people will surprise you by turning out to be better people than you imagined, but I don’t bank on that happening.

    • Anon

      I’m Facebook friends and that’s it with many family members including my uncle who fervently believes Trump won and is fond of calling anyone else “libtards” and “sheeple.”

  10. brokentoe

    Do the at home hot paraffin manicure machines work? Any recs for a good one? Thinking of it as a gift for someone who is starting to suffer from arthritis in their hands. Yea or nea?

  11. all about eevee

    Does anyone know of a jewelry designer who does good custom rings/replicas? I want to remake Jackie Kennedy’s bypass engagement ring.

  12. Anonymous

    Has anyone had to deal with a partner being rejected by your friend group? I am dealing with this and it is becoming stressful and saddening. My friend group is mostly white collar, high-earning, trendy, and includes a lot of immigrants. My BF is blue collar presenting (formerly blue collar but educated and currently in a sales role) with an identifiable accent from another region of the U.S. and does not spend much money on clothes. I spend a lot of time with my friends without my BF because of his schedule. When he does join us, he has always been treated coolly by my friends and they have never spent any time getting to really know him even though we’ve been dating for a year now. Recently, a friend revealed that in my absence, there is regular discussion that my BF is “not good enough” for me but did not explain any basis for that determination. I know that the reasons are superficial. I admit I had some hesitations when we met. But I now know this man. He is genuinely among the smartest, most knowledgeable, and most well-read people I have ever encountered. He has a degree from a respected liberal arts college where he competed in a varsity sport. His EQ is off the charts. And he and I are closely-aligned politically and morally. Our hours-long daily conversations continue to be mutually stimulating and entertaining after all this time. And physically he could kick the A of any of my friends, to boot. But recently they are issuing solo invitations to me and, to complicate (and maybe explain) things further, there are several men in the group who are newly flirtatious with me. I don’t want to ditch my friends. I will not ditch my BF for this reason. And I want my BF to be around my friends to put a damper on this flirting, but he doesn’t feel welcome. (I didn’t tell him the “not good enough” part, he just senses it.) I don’t know what advice I am looking for. I am just struggling to manage this situation. I thought I was done dealing with dynamics like this after college, but I guess they can follow us around through the decades.

    • Anon

      Two thoughts: 1) Are you sure they’re your friends? 2) I’ve had reservations about a friend’s significant other in the past, but they were genuinely based on character. If my friends, after a year, were still cool to my SO, I’d want to hear from the horse’s mouth about their reservations. They might see something you don’t. Or you’d know where they really stand.

      • Anonymous

        I am curious what you mean by #1.
        As to #2, I have said I want to have a conversation about this so we can hash this out. This revelation just happened recently and we haven’t had a chance. I see this conversation as having two purposes: (a) to address what you mention and suss out whether they really are seeing something I don’t and (b) to provide an opportunity to shed some light on who he really is and what makes our relationship appealing to me, dispel the incorrect assumptions I think they have made, and make my loyalty to him clear (unless part a reveals something with merit I need to consider).

    • Anon

      Your friends sound like horrible people and I’m not sure why they’re still your friends.

    • Mal

      It might be time to reveal your true feelings to your friends about how you feel about their actions – might be best to do this one-on-one, rather than in a group setting, where you can have a real conversation. I think it will become clear very quickly who is a real friend and who isn’t, who has similar values to you and who does not. Optimistically, this may be a situation where there is some “groupthink,” where some folks just go with the flow of the group. Individually, they may feel otherwise and reveal that to you.
      I think we often tolerate behavior from friends we wouldn’t tolerate with significant others – might be worth thinking about why you do that here. You very much seem to value your boyfriend for reasons that are not important to your friends. Snobbery is a big turnoff for me, and I think for you too.

      • Anonymous

        Thanks. I just responded above that I do intend to have this conversation with the person who told me about the “not good enough” comments. I think the outcome of that conversation will be revealing.

        “I think we often tolerate behavior from friends we wouldn’t tolerate with significant others – might be worth thinking about why you do that here.” I am going to chew on this, for sure.

        Also, I introduced him to two female friends unconnected to this other group recently. He had a chance to shine and within a few minutes one of them spontaneously said “Why am I not dating you?!” (I don’t think she meant to step on my toes. It was just something she blurted out.) We had a fun evening and they both said they enjoyed meeting him. So I know that not everyone sees him the same way and this probably is just revealing some distasteful snobbery.

    • Anon

      Could you say a lot of what you’ve said here to the most trusted person in this friend group? I’m wondering if it would help to have some “allies” on your side. I understand that group dynamics develop, but I’d like to believe there is someone in your friend group who can rethink their superficial prejudices and give your partner a chance.

      If not, I think this can be really damaging. I don’t know if it helps to underscore for yourself that you’re ethically in the right here. I remember one colleague I knew who was fiercely, adamantly, and at every moment on the side of her partner as well as others who shared his background. In some ways it’s like the difference between “not being racist” and “being antiracist” (though maybe it seems more that way to me because she and her partner were both POC in a very white, very privileged social circle). She drew some pretty clear boundaries that I guess were “anti-classist” and did not back down on them. This was also her personality, but she made it about her and her values (“This is who I am”), not about whether her partner was good enough for her. I’m not saying that’s what you need to do, but it sounds like your friend group needs to understand that their issue is with you and not just with your partner.

    • Anonymous

      If you love this guy, you tell your friends they shape up or they’re gone and mean it. They’re shallow superficial people being rude and ignorant, why are you insistent on keeping them.

    • Anonymous

      I would tell the most sympathetic member of the group how you feel about your BF and see what happens. I have a friend group in which all of the women were programmed to marry as much money as possible, and they thought anyone we dated who wasn’t a golden ticket to a Board position was just a fling. I told one person that I was serious about my BF and the group executed a manner’s shift.

    • Senior Attorney

      If your description of your BF is accurate, then maybe you do need new friends.

      That said, yes, I have had to deal with my partner being rejected by my friend group (as well as my family). Turned out it was because he was a malignant narcissist and they saw it before I did. And I have a good friend whose wife is a pill and I will admit that they are included in activities less than they would be if she weren’t, you know, a pill.

      What about BF’s friends? Maybe the two of you just need to make his friends your joint friend group and call it a day. (And if he doesn’t have a friend group, that’s a huge red flag no matter how great he is otherwise.)

      • Anon

        Is not having a friend group a huge red flag in a partner? I would think of this as just stage of life and not being much of an extrovert.

        • Curious

          Maybe not a group, but they should have close relationships they’ve maintained over time.

          • Senior Attorney

            Yes, maybe I was imprecise. If he has no friends, that’s a huge red flag.

      • Anonymous

        Thanks to all for your perspectives. We both have other friends. He has lived in our area for a very long time and when we go out, we often run into old friends/acquaintances who wax on about what a great person he is.
        It is just this one group.
        Other than this, I have really enjoyed socializing with them (outside and at a distance now), and I have gotten pretty close with some of them. I definitely won’t let these people be the cause of a breakup, though, which I kind of feel they are gunning for. I think I would be more ready to just move on from them if I were 100% confident in my relationship with BF, but despite our compatibility, there are unrelated circumstances that could eventually lead to a breakup, and then I’d have lost both. My other friends are much less social (pandemic aside) and the prospect of more time alone in the future is not at all appealing.

    • Anon

      I have strong opinions about this: unless your friends cut the crap, you will either lose your friends or your boyfriend. “He doesn’t spend much money on clothes” is not a reason to be snippy to him. I give my friends a choice: explain the actual problem or screw off.

      The most important thing to remember is that your friends cannot run your dating life for you. That’s a terrible idea and an even worse dynamic.

    • Seventh. Sister

      These people don’t sound like good friends. Anecdotally, my friends (and yours truly) had a lot more opinions about the friend group’s significant others in our 20s than we have in our 30s and 40s. Sometimes we were right that so-and-so was a jerk, but if I had to do it all over again, I would have been a lot more gracious about partners I didn’t like all that much. It invariably caused a rift in our friendships that wasn’t really worth it.

      That said, I went to a women’s college, so we didn’t really do a lot of social stuff where partners were expected to attend or even invited to attend.

  13. Anonymous

    late in the day but here’s my Q – what should i do with my 1 carat engagement ring? (i’ve been happily married for 11 years now). the prongs are loose so i haven’t worn it in a while, and 1 carat looked a lot cuter on my skinnier fingers. my wedding band has a slight wave and small diamonds; i’ve never liked it and like it even less on my finger solo. (like this) – https://www.brilliantearth.com/Curved-Diamond-Ring-(1/6-ct.-tw.)-White-Gold-BE2D3216/

    should i
    a) upgrade my wedding ring and forget my engagement ring? (where should i look?)
    b) get an enhancer, baguettes, halo, or something else to make my 1 carat ring look bigger? (it’s emerald cut)
    c) get a fake bigger stone (the $20-$30k for a bigger emerald isn’t in the cards right now)

    where should i look online, and at what? going into stores isn’t in the cards right now either…

    • Anon

      That link didn’t work for me but I just wanted to let you know that over 20 years of marriage, I have changed my wedding ring look several times. First I had an enhancer made. I found wearing it all together too bulky. Then I bought a men’s gold band with tiny little diamonds in different colors embedded all over it. Now I have a different band style with baguette diamonds and I wear the men’s band on my right hand.

      My stuff has been custom and have been major gifts like anniversary or milestone birthday gifts from my husband, nominally, but they weren’t surprises and we have joint accounts.

      I say all of this to tell you – have fun! No one says you have to wear the same ring for your whole life. Your tastes change. My fingers also changed. What I consider comfortable for daily wear changed. You do you and don’t worry about what anyone else thinks.

      I will say, co-designing a new ring with a full bench jeweler who does custom work is a lot of fun. Probably not really safe right now, but when covid numbers get better you might visit your local jeweler with your ring to get some ideas. For instance I could see your emerald cut stone set in a flush band with some smaller stones around it.

    • Anonymous

      I think it’s fine to trade in both and get something new. The e-ring I picked out for my first marriage and the one for my second marriage were dramatically different rings – the first was ostentatious because of my youth; the second was understated because of my wisdom :) I think many jewelers will take rings on trade, though the jewelers I spoke with when buying my second said they’d only be able to offer me a fraction of what my ring was worth, so I was better off keeping it and offering it to a relative some day (which I did; it’s in our safe).

    • Anon

      A 1 carat is still a pretty good sized stone, and for sentimentality reasons and cost reasons, I’d say keep the stone and add halo with a new band. OR turn the center stone into a simple diamond necklace and get a fancy anniversary ring to replace the band. You shouldn’t wear a band that you do not like.

    • anne-on

      Why not an anniversary band? I got one for our 10-year anniversary and I wear it (and my wedding band) daily, while my engagement ring sits in my jewelry box more these days since I rarely leave the house. I’ve always loved a classic channel set band and think it would look fantastic with an emerald cut engagement ring. There are tons of options though!
      I agree that it helps to try these things on in person – the size of the stones in the band I looked at online was way too big in person. Maybe browse some options online and then make an event out of it once you’re able to go – go out to dinner that night, get breakfast together first, something.
      For some ideas:
      https://www.tiffany.com/jewelry/rings/tiffany-jazz-ring-GRP00044/
      https://www.marisaperry.com/east-to-west-marquise-band-18k-yellow-gold-marisa-perry-by-douglas-elliott/
      https://www.catbirdnyc.com/vettore-ring.html

    • Anonymous

      I vote 1 or a variation of 1. Get a new band that you like as an anniversary band that you can wear solo. My mom did that several years ago and I haven’t seen her engagement ring in 10 years. She technically can wear them together, but hardly ever does. If a new bigger stone isn’t in the cards right now, a fake stone is just silly. My ring is small compared to many these days, and it certainly isn’t the ring I would get today in our financial situation, but 15 years ago, I loved it and I will always love it for what it means.

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