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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Fenella Belted Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS) | ·

A woman with long brown hair wearing a coral-colored belted dress with leopard print block heels

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

If you’re having a hard time finding well-tailored women’s workwear in the U.S., our friends across the pond always seem to have beautiful options. I’ve been drooling over Hobbs’s whole selection of work dresses, but this dark coral number really stuck out to me. It’s such a beautiful color for spring and summer that also wears well into early fall.

As an added bonus, it’s machine washable, so no need to fuss with dry cleaning!

The dress is $290 at Hobbs and comes in sizes 2–14.

If you’re looking for more affordable options, Maggy London has a couple of dresses in a pretty coral shade (“cayenne coral,” to be exact); this bell-sleeve style is on sale for $44.97 at Nordstrom Rack (sizes 0–18), and this tailored sheath is available in sizes 0–16 for $128 at the brand’s own site. Sister brand Donna Morgan has this plus-size tie-waist dress in lucky sizes that’s on sale for $49.97 at Nordstrom Rack (and if you like the style but can’t find your size, Amazon has it in stock in some sizes from 14–24 in three other colors).

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Workwear sales of note for 6.02.23:

  • Nordstrom – The Half-Yearly Sale has started! See our thoughts here.
  • Ann Taylor – $50 off $150; $100 off $250+; extra 30% off all sale styles
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 25% off purchase
  • Boden – Sale, up to 50% off
  • Cole Haan – Up to 50% off select styles; extra 20% off sandals & sneakers
  • Eloquii – 60% off all tops
  • Express – 30% off all dresses, tops, shorts & more; extra 50% off clearance
  • H&M – Up to 60% off online and in-store.
  • J.Crew – Up to 50% off “dressed up” styles (lots of cute dresses!); extra 50% off select sale
  • J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything; 60% off 100s of summer faves; extra 60% off clearance
  • J.McLaughlin – The Sale Event: extra 30% off
  • Loft – 40% off tops; 30% off full-price styles
  • Sephora – Up to 50% off select beauty.
  • Shopbop – Up to 60% off sale
  • Sue Sartor – Lots of cute dresses on sale!
  • Talbots – 25-40% off select styles

Other noteworthy sales:

  • CB2.com – Up to 40% off; pop-up sale up to 30% off
  • Joss & Main – Up to 60% off, plus an extra 20% off with code
  • Tuft & Needle – Save up to $775 on mattresses (Reader-favorite brand; Kat really likes hers!)
  • West Elm – Up to 25% off in-stock furniture; up to 60% off clearance

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Amy

    I’m hoping you all can help me find a dress I saw a woman wearing at the zoo that I LOVED. It looked so stylish and put together, yet completely comfortable for a hot humid day and lots of walking. I am absolutely kicking myself for not asking her where it was from, lol.
    It’s a color block, sleeveless swing dress with a small collar–the colors are beige on the lower third, white in the middle, and navy on top. The style is basically the same as this:
    https://www.lillypulitzer.com/novella-swing-dress/007981.html?dwvar_007981_color=4332Q1
    But in the beige, white, and navy color block instead of the pattern.
    Any ideas on the brand and style?

  2. cookie monster

    The more affordable bell sleeve option looks so dated to me. I’ve never really liked the look so that may be clouding my judgment, but I feel like bell sleeve sheaths were big several years pre-panini.

    • MagicUnicorn

      I am not a fan of the bell sleeve look generally, but the black version of the affordable option looks interesting. Perhaps because the sleeve is the only unusual feature, and not the color also? At least they are elbow length bells and not those godawful wrist length ones that dragged through everything any time you moved your arms.

    • Anonymous

      “Pre-panini” is my new favorite autocorrect fail. Pre-panini, I am usually quite hangry.

      • Monday

        It may not have been autocorrect at all. On TikTok, using any other word that begins with “pan” to refer to Covid is the thing to do. See also “panorama,” but panini is the most common.

        • No Face

          This was also common on Black Twitter in 2020. (“You want me to come into the office? When there’s a whole panasonic? Don’t think so.”)

        • Anonymous

          Use some judgment on this one. I had someone close to me die last spring and many others have, too. There has been a lot of life alteration in ways that are painful each day. It isn’t as funny or cute as you might think.

  3. anon2

    How do you decide whether to move past something or bring it up with your spouse? I had a milestone birthday and really felt like my spouse phoned it in, whereas I had a whole week of celebrations for his last milestone birthday and spoiled him like crazy. We generally have a great marriage, but we were in a rough patch when my birthday came around, so no doubt he didn’t feel like doing it. But it was my one birthday of this sort, and it is making me really sad still. But I also feel like if I bring it up, he’ll bring up the thing that I had done that made us in a rough patch at the time. And then we’ll just get in another fight. Any thoughts?

    • anon

      If it’s that big of a deal for you can you decide what you want him to do now about it and ask for that? I find my husband is super not amenable to any suggestion that he screwed up or is inadequate (which I think is fair since he hasn’t really done anything horrible), but is super responsive to being asked to do things differently if I frame it that way. Could something like this work “Hey husband, I wanted to know if you’d be amendable to for my next birthday or for . I sort of felt like my milestone birthday hit at a bad time for us so I ended up just feeling that instead of feeling all special. I get why it was that way and don’t want to rehash, but wonder if you’d be willing/excited to do X for me?

      • anon

        Formatting got weird on that response…..basically point is to insert what you’re looking for into the above script and ask for that.

      • Anon

        I like this script. Don’t assign fault or blame; just say it hurts and here is the proposed solution.

      • Sunshine

        Not OP. But your DH sounds exactly like mine. I’m adopting this script. Thank you so much for posting!

    • Anonymous

      I mean. Did you do a bad thing? If you legit did a bad thing and then he didn’t go wildly over the top for you, that seems fair.

      • anon2

        I mean honestly I think I did a thing that was not that big of a deal, but it really hurt his feelings. It was mostly that I have been working and traveling a lot so he has been doing all of the kid stuff, for which I thanked him profusely, but in my opinion he had kind of a hair trigger for feeling unappreciated.

        • Anonymous

          Wait so he’s mad because he actually had to parent? Like the thing the vast majority of women do every single day without appreciation? Yikes

          • anon2

            He’s a wonderful co-parent; we share duties 50-50 all the time, but while I was working late and traveling for both work and play, he did 100% for almost a month.

          • Anonymous

            Disagree with this. Parenting while the other partner is traveling is a whole other ballgame. That’s a lot on the other working parent unless they are a SAH parent and even then being ‘on’ 24/7 is exhausting.

            I’d lose it if my partner complained I had not planned a full week of birthday activities when they had been travelling a lot and I was stuck dealing with the day to day stuff on my own.

            A lot of this is love language as well. My worst nightmare is a full week of birthday activities – who wants that kind of attention? Maybe he didn’t realize how important this was to you. What did your parents or friends do?

          • Anne-on

            Oof, I was with you until you noted that you were also traveling for pleasure while he was solo parenting. I’ve done that before and even though it was agreed on (and only about 10 days) I was WIPED at the end of it and I would have probably lost it if my husband then got snotty about not having a week(?!?) of birthday celebrations after I’d held down the fort for a month.
            I’d let it go and then try to get his buy in on planning something fun for another occassion, or heck, just arrange something yourself – girls night out, dinner at a special place, weekend trip away together.

          • Anon

            Never been more validated in not having kids….. I cannot imagine not traveling for fun or having a spouse resent me for it.

        • No Face

          He was solo parenting for a month and he still made reservations for your birthday? If my husband left for a month I probably wouldn’t have had the energy to plan a single thing.

          Also, does your husband want a week full of activities for his birthday? Ask him before you do that again, especially if you are going to keep score over it.

          • Anon2

            It was not really traveling for a month. It was a few nights at the beginning of the month then working late and then traveling for work two nights at the end. It wouldn’t have been too much except that it was May, the most challenging month for parenting.

          • anon

            12:01, the end of the school year is a complete and total sprint for kids and parents. Lots of extra activities, concerts, awards presentations, emotional meltdowns from the kids … it’s a whole thing.

          • Anon

            Anon at 12:01: in my area, school lets out at the end of May. Meaning for the month of May, the kids all have spring fever and are bouncing off the walls. This is also generally when early-spring sports end and summer sports get started, and then there are also a ton of end-of-year parties and awards ceremonies at the school. If school gets out early enough (when my son was in elementary school, they sometimes got out the third week of May) then you have to cover childcare before summer camps start, or transition them into camp (if you’re lucky enough to have a camp that starts as soon as school ends, which we were not, most years). May and August were the worst months for us until our kid got older.

    • Cat

      in this case I would probably let sleeping dogs lie. It doesn’t sound like spouse has a history of underwhelming you and there were obvious reasons why in this case. Mildly s-cky? Yes, but not something that feels worth the effort of dredging up a fight that’s long gone.

      Can you focus on what you *do* want for future celebrations without bringing it up? “Hey, for our anniversary this year, let’s not do gifts and instead do a weekend away” or “I’d like to host a birthday dinner at X restaurant” or whatever?

    • anon

      Maybe part of this is expectations? A week of celebrations for a birthday seems excessive to me, and I wouldn’t plan that for my spouse. Luckily, my spouse has the same belief – that a week would be excessive – so it’s not an issue. But did your spouse actually expect a week of celebrations because you are on the same page about this, or did you plan it without consulting him and are now expecting him to buy in to the view that a week of celebrations is the minimum acceptable for a milestone birthday?

      I guess what I am saying is that you should decouple what you did for him from what he planned for your birthday (i.e., don’t keep score) , unless you are hoping that he intuited how big a milestone birthday should be from your actions. If that is what you had hoped for, I would chalk this up to him being a little dense and needing to say what you want in the future. And then move past this of course, unless you want to have a miserable marriage.

      • anon2

        I see this. He is usually super thoughtful and knows that I like social events and planned things that make me feel special, but this year he just made us reservations at a restaurant. He didn’t even plan anything with the kids, so our nanny ended up buying cake which we then ate in a hurry before our dinner reservation. It honestly sucked.
        For his week, he is more low key, and all of the things that I did for him were really his speed. A weekend away just the two of us, a celebration at home with the kids with party hats and cake and presents, etc., and then a sporting event with the kids in a nearby town the following weekend.

        I get it. I shouldn’t compare or set the bar high in my own mind. It just hurt my feelings.

        • Anonymous

          “my nanny bought me a cake and I had to eat it really fast before I went to dinner with my husband but not my kids because I have a nanny who bought me cake but my evening sucked and I’m upset.”

          Like. Seriously?

      • NYCer

        I agree with this. A whole week of celebrations for a birthday seems way out of the ordinary to me. Rough patch or not, did your spouse know you wanted that? It could be that he just isn’t that type of birthday celebrater. I think as adults, it generally makes life a lot easier to let our spouses know what we want/expect from birthdays and other holidays.

    • Anonymous

      Is it possible that you went over-the-top with the week-long celebrations and spoiling him like crazy—because that’s the kind of thing you like and want–and you assumed that he’d then turn around and do the same thing for you, but he’s actually not that kind of person? Meaning, he doesn’t think on that level, plan on that level, or even want activity at that level?
      Or, conversely, are you actually both huge celebrators and planners and organizers who go all out for events, and he just didn’t do it this time? (It seems strange to me that there would be a marriage where both people are the kind who go all out to celebrate and plan week-long “spoil you like crazy” things for each other, but I guess two people like that MIGHT end up married to each other! It seems more normal that one person is like that, the other person isn’t.)

      • Anon

        “Is it possible that you went over-the-top with the week-long celebrations and spoiling him like crazy—because that’s the kind of thing you like and want–and you assumed that he’d then turn around and do the same thing for you, but he’s actually not that kind of person? Meaning, he doesn’t think on that level, plan on that level, or even want activity at that level?”

        I was wondering this too.

        My mom’s love language is gifts, and woe betide you if you give her a gift card, or a pretty card with a nice sentiment, or want to take her out for dinner instead of giving her a tangible object. Despite many conversations about this over the years, she does not get that other people do not care about gifts or are not as invested in giving or receiving gifts as she is. To her, the failure to purchase someone a specific tangible physical object that is representative of the person’s personality, preferences and hobbies (which also needs to be elaborately and expertly gift-wrapped) means you do not love that person. The idea that other people – me, as one example – do not have “gifts” as part of their love language is so foreign to her that she cannot absorb the concept.

        Similarly, I know there are people out there who throw elaborate celebrations or plan elaborate trips for their spouse, friends, family members, etc. expecting that (without them clearly stating this is their expectation) that will be reciprocated for them. I learned a long time ago that doing something for someone expecting that they will do that same thing for you is a waste of time and a good way to get upset. If I want something, I have to ask for it or plan it myself. Should people be more perceptive and generous and reciprocate the energy and time that’s put into their own happiness? Maybe. But as my uncle used to say, you can wish in one hand and…excrete in the other and see which one gets filled up first. P.S., this is not just applicable to my spouse; I have had this same situation with friends of mine. I planned a really cool spa day with snacks and decorations for a friend’s 40th birthday and when my 40th birthday came around I got…a text message. The day after my birthday. I took myself to the spa and tried to think generous thoughts instead of being cranky, which kind of worked.

        So, OP, for your next milestone birthday, if you want specific things I would recommend having a conversation with your spouse about what you want, specifically, rather than doing things for him and expecting him to figure out you also want that done for you. Or make your own plans. There’s the world we want to live in, or that we wish we could live in, and the world we’re actually living in. In that actual world, for the most part you get what you ask for or you work for. IME the movie-of-the-week style grand gesture (surprise parties, big jewelry gifts coming out of nowhere, the surprise elaborate marriage proposal, skywriters spelling out someone’s love for you, etc.) is pretty rare and when you experience one, be grateful and keep your expectations tempered because it maybe (probably) won’t happen again.

        • Anon

          But understanding love languages is at least 50% about understanding that when you gift someone else, you do it in their love language, not your own. That’s the point. So stop complaining about your mother’s preference when it comes to gifts for her.

          • Anon

            Nah, she’s unreasonable with her preferences and I’m not the only person who thinks so. Having something be your “love language” doesn’t mean you get to hold other people emotionally hostage to what you want. If I’m the first person to ever tell you this, so sorry to break it to you, but: no one owes you anything.

            Sorry you felt attacked by my comments; I’m guessing it’s because you read them and wondered if there’s someone in your life posting this exact same complaint about you somewhere online? Self-reflection and self-awareness is always a good thing and can lead to significant personal growth, if you let it.

    • Anon

      I am generally a “be the change you want to see in the world” person. Expecting even a spouse to plan the birthday week of my dreams would just be setting myself up for disappointment. If I want a week of woo, I can make that happen far easier than I can will others to do my things my way.

    • Anon

      I talk to my husband about everything so in your shoes I’d tell him how I felt. But, we don’t have the same ideas about birthdays so I plan my own things or give very explicit instructions if he asks. I know there’s the be a little deaf and let things go school of thought, but I find relationships so much better when there isn’t some simmering resentment and we’ve talked it out. Doesn’t have to be a fight though.

      • Anonymous

        One way to avoid simmering resentment is to not harbor animosity for little things, or unreasonable things like an adult’s dashed expectations of a week of vigorously celebrating a day, though. If I were on the receiving end of this complaint, I would honestly evaluate whether I wanted to be around to disappoint again on the next birthday.

        • Anon

          My point is if it is a big deal to you, then talk to your spouse about it. The good part of being in a relationship is that you get to choose to be with some who cares about you and the things you care about. And that goes two ways. You and I clearly wouldn’t be compatible, but fortunately I already found my person.

    • Deedee

      Aside from your specific issue, when trying to decide whether to bring something up, I try to imagine the response from my spouse that would make me feel better. Like literally what exact words and tone am I looking for? Sometimes, there’s nothing they could say that would feel great, in which case I don’t bring it up. I need to get over those things on my own.

      Other times, there’s something specific that would make me feel better. In that case, I first try to put myself in the mindset of “what if they already said this to me and I emotionally adjusted myself to imagine how I feel in that case.” Sometimes I find that I don’t actually need *him* to say it, I just need to put myself in a forgiving mindset and then I’m able to let it go.

      If neither of those things happen, I will bring it up once. I will either frame it as “I just wanted to let you know how I felt, no need to reply other than acknowledge my feelings” OR “next time can we…” OR “It’d make me feel better to hear you say… (sorry, here’s what I’ll do next time, etc.)”. I think the first two are generally gentler and better, but if I really need an apology or a specific comment, I think it’s best to ask for what you need!

      • Anon

        Thank you for the really good advice that answers OP’s question without impugning her character!

    • Anonymous

      I feel this pretty hard, it’s a price of admission thing with my DH. Gifts and celebrations just aren’t that important to him and he definitely doesn’t see them as reciprocal. He appreciates what I do but he doesn’t feel like he needs to do something big just because I did. Even if I ask for something specific, his default is to interpret it sort of loosely. Example, we somewhat-affectionately refer to Cupcakegate: the year I asked for a cupcake and he got me brownies because that was what they had at the grocery store, even though there are approximately 17 bakeries within a 10 minute drive. See also flowers for Valentine’s Day: no I don’t care that the florist canceled your order you can get flowers at the Whole Foods or go pick them from the freaking garden, but you will exert sufficient effort to provide flowers for v-day. He’s sort of learned over time but it will never come naturally to him and that’s ok, he’s a wonderful partner in the way that matters. One person can’t and shouldn’t be everything to you, my friends are much better at celebrating!

    • Anon

      Hmm… it feels like you’re ascribing intent to the action (he was pissed at me so phoned it in) and there are other possible explanations that would be more generous to your marriage (he was exhausted after solo parenting for a month and did the best he could).

      Usually when I do this, I get stuck on the story I’m telling myself and I have to check in with my husband to see what happened on his end- “hey, it feels like you were pissed at me and didn’t want to celebrate my milestone birthday, is that you actually you actually felt?” Frankly, sometimes my husband does react angrily, but is a good guy and will cop to it and I can ask for a redo. And sometimes the generous intent is the true one and I can move past it easier knowing that.

      • Anon

        Not OP but this is really good advice and I need to remember it in other contexts!

  4. Anonymous

    My SO and I are talking about eloping. I plan to wear a wedding dress (but have a small budget – it’ll be courthouse, pictures, 1:1 dinner, then casual reception for family about a month later). One of the only things holding me back is dress shopping. I like the idea of going alone, but I’m the only girl in my family and I could see my mother and grandmother giving me grief the rest of their lives for excluding them. I’m worried if I bring them, they will pressure me to have a “real/church” wedding, and they’ll try to get my budget up (they can’t contribute, which is totally fine with me, but I could see them really loving expensive dresses). Ideas?

    • Anon

      I eloped and one of the (many) best parts about it was shopping for a dress on my own. I don’t shop with other people generally and I wanted the freedom to just pick out my own thing and get what I wanted without someone else’s opinion in there. When you elope, people are either going to give you grief or not, but it’s not going to be about the dress shopping component- it’s about getting married without them there. We caught some grief, but it was the best and most romantic day of my life so that just rolls off me. I’d do it all over again the same way in a heartbeat.

    • Anon

      If you feel like you must, set up a time to go with them and then go back a second time by yourself or vice versa! If you anticipate comments you can just prepare yourself to brush them off knowing they may never agree with your choice to elope but that it absolutely is yours to make!

    • Anonymous

      Oh honey. They gonna be big mad enough about eloping that they won’t even have time to be mad about dress shopping. Don’t give the whole world an opportunity to guilt you out of your plans. Buy a dress and run away and get married.

      • Anon

        This, exactly. The whole point is running away and getting married, and people don’t get an opinion ahead of time. Sure, they’ll have opinions after, but what’s done is done.

          • Anon

            I don’t full-on love it, but I do love that it looks like you could wear comfy undergarments and actually breathe / eat / move in it with no risk of wardrobe malfunctions or starving yourself for a season to get into it.

          • Anonymous

            This is 100% not my personal style but it’s definitely gorgeous and if a friend wore it I would be obsessed with how good it looked on her. Great dress!

      • Anon

        Yep. If you really feel the need to make concessions, have them help you pick out a reception dress, and state your max budget ahead of time.

      • anon

        Haha, this. I eloped six months ago, and everyone was furious. This despite us telling them in person that we were engaged some months back and going out to dinner to celebrate our engagement. One side was furious in spite of the fact that they could not have attended due to COVID susceptibility and being too infirm to travel out of state.

        The level of vitriol confirmed our decision in spades, by the way. If you think that your family are going to be mad at you for the rest of your life for something that should be celebrated – that’s really, really twisted.

        • Anon

          + 1 million to your last paragraph.

          A few years back, I anonymously asked for advice regarding how my family behaved in the days after I got engaged. Expecting to be flamed, I was pleasantly surprised to get good advice, some of which was to seriously consider if I wanted them at my wedding. They behaved badly at my wedding – one sister wore white, both loudly complained about not being catered to enough, despite both having refused to be in the ending party, and my father’s speech was straight-up nasty.

          I haven’t talked to them since a month or so after that and hope to never do so again. Ultimately, if your own family is going to steamroll you this way, they have other issues. Sometimes they need to be reminded that you are a grown adult and the parent-adult child relationship is not the same as a parent-child relationship. Other times, it’s a fundamental lack of respect.

    • Anon

      Bring them but plan strategically which stores you’re going to in advance and pre-select what you’ll try on using the web or swinging by the store in person. I bought a $200 wedding dress (bridesmaids dress in ivory); one nicer boutique had a separate changing area for the bridesmaids dresses so I wasn’t surrounded by $2k dresses while I was trying to find mine. I also told the stores in advance that I was only trying on bridesmaids dresses that could be ordered in ivory so they wouldn’t try to put me in some expensive gown. Department stores like Nordstroms also carry a lot of ivory/cream/white dresses without getting into the whole poofy ball gown four figure expense category; you could try there!

      • Quail

        This was my thought, too. Will you announce the elopement only after it’s done? Or is this a plan you’ve told your family about? I don’t think there’s a way to include them in shopping for a wedding dress for a wedding they know they won’t be attending, and probably even worse if they think they are attending and won’t be.

    • Anon

      – your family likely wants the experience of dress shopping rather than the nitty gritty, so I’d think about totally playing it up for one shop (do the fancy shop! Pay for the champagne! Go out to lunch afterwords) and tell yourself you’re going to sleep on it before you make any decisions. If you don’t find a dress you absolutely love them you can easily solo shop a few days later and excitedly text photos of your dress which you just happened to find.
      – I found that the dress shop employees are excellent at navigating complicated family dynamics. I’d just be really upfront with them- X is my budget, it’s definitely a courthouse wedding. Their goal is to make YOU happy.
      – Bringing a friend as a buffer can be great. Similarly you want to prep them on their role, every time someone mentions a church wedding it’s their cue to chime in “oh, but there’s something so romantic and intimate about a courthouse wedding!” “I love that Couple is doing exactly what makes them happiest!” and changing the subject. Think toxic positivity in the best way.

    • blueberries

      Can you order some dresses online and then invite them to hang/FaceTime with you when you try them on? That way you’re in full control of the options.

    • Anonymous

      This makes no sense. You’re willing to incur your mother and grandmother’s eternal wrath for eloping, but not for excluding them from the dress shopping? You can’t have it both ways. Either you do your own thing and give zero effs what anyone else says, or you worry about everyone else’s opinions. Just go shopping by yourself.

    • Anne-on

      I went alone to a few appointments and then bought my dress without my mother there so I vote for either going by yourself or with a trusted friend. I had a blast with my MOH/bridesmaids – I was one of the first to get married and everyone was super psyched and supportive.
      My mother was a horror show the one time she tagged along (so bad that the employees were comforting me and my bridesmaids took me out for drinks after to decompress/vent). I was sad that I didn’t get to have the ‘movie version’ of dress shopping where your family cries and hugs and whatnot but in all honesty I kind of knew my mom wasn’t ever going to be that person. I should have just gone with my gut and done it without her. I bet if you’re already waffling enough to ask internet strangers you know what you REALLY want to do.

    • Anonymous

      If you do bring them shopping with you for your dress, just be sure to be firm about what your budget is no matter what they say. The fact that they may love a very expensive dress is not your problem, it’s theirs. I loved very expensive dresses when I was shopping for mine too, but the budget is the budget, and I ended up finding one I loved that fit well within it. As for the “real/church” wedding pressure you may get, have a kind and firm response prepared, maybe something like “name and I have planned it this way, and we are very excited about our plans. I’m glad you could be here to help me shop for my dress”

    • Anon

      I played tennis and swung by a store and walked smack into my informal wedding dress (knee-length sparkly party dress). So I was done before I even started. Highly recommend. Divert that time to boozy brunches or whatever your thing is with your friends / family.

    • Woof

      Maybe they could go shopping with you for a second dress for the party a month later?

    • Anonymous

      I “pre-shopped” for my dress and went to a lot of places alone so I had a good idea of what I wanted and where to go before I brought my mother (who has wildly different opinions on clothes) along. It won’t cut out all the pressure, but at least you’ll have some control if you already know roughly what you want and what dresses in the store cost (I generally found dresses in any given store had a pretty similar range of prices–most didn’t have super cheap and super expensive in the same store.)

    • Anon 2.0

      I sort of eloped – we had a beach wedding with no guests. It was amazing and the best decision we’ve ever made. I did all my dress shopping online from Lulu’s Bridal. Free shipping and returns and most dresses are under $200. At that price point I had no issues getting it wet to get some fun pictures in the ocean. Don’t let them pressure you – if eloping is what you want you will regret letting them pressure you into the princess dress and church wedding.

    • Anon

      Go dress shopping with them to one store, maybe even try on some fantasy dresses. It’s an experience and it’s fun (I think – maybe there’s something about your family I don’t know though). It’s ok to love a dress and not buy it. Ignore them and buy the dress you want. Shop around to figure out the dress you want on your own first, though. Or I guess second if you don’t want to buy it with them.

    • anon

      I’m so confused. You’re eloping, but you want to bring family along for dress shopping? I don’t see that going over well.

    • Anon

      I’ve been married twice and bought my dress by myself both times. This was before Say Yes to the Dress made shopping for a dress with a big group of family and friends a whole Thing. It is not some time honored tradition, really. It’s reality TV and social media.

      If you prefer to shop for a dress by yourself, do that.

  5. Anon

    I’m invited to a friend’s 2-year-old daughter’s birthday. It’s a park picnic. She said not to bring gifts, but I feel like I want to bring SOMETHING. Any ideas?

      • Anon

        ooh, I love the balloon idea! That’s perfect! It’s not really a gift but it’s a fun thing to hand to the kid.

        • Anonymous

          Yay balloons! Don’t get a helium balloon however. They are a massive waste of a vital and precious resource. (I know this sounds silly, but Google it!)

      • anon

        Word to the wise re: balloons. Make sure you have the balloon tied to an anchor of some sort. Nothing breaks a child’s heart faster than watching their birthday balloon fly away.

    • Anonymous

      A card. Do not be the person who disrespects their gift wishes. You are not special. You do not need to.

      • Anon

        I meant more like flowers or something. The equivalent of taking a bottle of wine to a dinner party.

        • anon

          At a park picnic, the parents do not want one more thing to haul home, trust me.

      • Anon

        Oh come on this is so rude. It’s fine to bring a hostess gift or a little something when someone goes out of their way to have a party.

          • Anon

            100% of the time that you host a party you say “no gifts” to avoid the notion that it’s a gift grab. It doesn’t mean that it’s a deeply held belief that no one should give you a gift. It’s a way of being polite.

          • Anonymous

            100% of the time? sorry, no. I am another who said no gifts because I didn’t want more stuff in the house.

          • Anonymous

            Yeah, no. When I say no gifts, I literally 100% mean I would prefer that you not bring me something. I don’t want you to go to the trouble and I don’t wanna have to deal with it afterwards

          • Anonymous

            it’s very possible to do fun and thoughtfulness without bringing a gift to a specifically no gift party.

          • Anon

            I have a two year old that owns about 75 toy trucks because people like giving gifts. I bought maybe 2 of those trucks. The rest just showed up. There is so much stuff these days – people often genuinely don’t want gifts.

          • Anon

            Nope. When I say no gifts I literally mean no gifts.

            To OP – things you can bring and hold on to that might be fun to pop out if the moment arises – sugar free chewing gum in fruity flavors. A bottle or two of bubbles (soap bubbles for blowing, not champagne.) A small book for a just in case gift. If the book were about bugs or leaves or something else you might find at a park, even better. Enjoy!

        • Anon

          It’s really not. It makes other guests who respected the “no gifts” request feel terrible. And the party isn’t in her home so a hostess gift is kind of weird.

          • Anon

            Feel terrible? That seems sort of excessive? I have been at plenty of no gift kids parties where some people brought gifts and I don’t recall having an emotional reaction to it and certainly not a strong one. This just doesn’t have to be a big deal!

        • Anonymous

          it’s actually the opposite. bringing a gift -any gift, hostess or otherwise- when the party is specifically a no-gift party, is what is rude, because it disrespects the host who clearly said no gifts. we did no-gift parties, and actually ended up not having friend parties completely because I got tired of explaining that no gift actually does mean no gift.

          • Anonymous

            Honestly, it’s rude to not respect someone’s wishes. I don’t understand how anyone could possibly think that it’s okay to go against someone’s wishes or that it’s somehow the polite thing to do?!

        • NYCer

          Ehh, kids parties that say no gifts generally really mean no gifts. OP, I would recommend a card with a pack of stickers in there and a balloon if you want to go “all out”.

          • Anon

            Stickers are great. Slip it to the kid at the very end of the party or ask the mom to put it in her purse for later so that no one feels bad.

    • Anonia

      Bubbles are great for this, easy, and small. Stick a card on the bottle and it’s not a big gift, just a little something extra!

      • Ribena

        I love that you can give ‘bubbles’ to both kids and adults but it means something completely different

      • Anon

        Bubbles can be messy, though. Then you have a soapy kid and need to wrangle them to wipe them off, not to mention how kids somewhere think that their mouth goes on the bubble wand. Mmm, soap.

    • Anon

      A card with a sheet of stickers inside is perfect! If you want to do something for the parents, offer to get their early to help set up or stay after to clean up – that would be more welcome than a bottle of wine or flowers that they have to haul home after (kid parties generate a lot of stuff and it’s a pain to cleanup at the end when your kid is melting down from sugar).

    • Anonymous

      Check with your friend. Tell your friend you want to bring something and ask for ideas. Respect them if they say nothing.
      We did no-gift parties for our kid and it was super annoying the year one parent of an invited kid showed up with a gift, they felt like they had to bring *something*, and to me it was somewhat rude because we had actually meant no gifts, at all, no matter how small.

    • anon

      I’ll never understand this train of thought. If I say no gifts, I mean no gifts. Of any variety. Or any kind. For me or kid. Just no gifts. How much simpler can it get?

        • anon

          As a heart attack. Bring a card, fine. But people need to say what they mean and mean what they say and if I say no gifts, I mean no gifts. This is just not hard especially when it’s not at someone’s house! It’s not an appropriate venue for a hostess gift and who wants to haul more crap back from the park than they started with! Not to mention what others have mentioned about being rude re the other guests who respected the parent’s wishes. Oye.

          And lest you think I am some miser, I do absolutely bring hostess gifts in the appropriate situations and when not TOLD not to bring a gift to a party for a celebration that traditionally includes gifts!

          • PLB

            It obviously isn’t as simple as you’re making it out to be or we wouldn’t be having this discussion, which is why I commented the way I did. It is a clash of social mores. I’m not showing up anywhere I was invited to empty-handed, regardless. Shrugs.

          • anon

            It absolutely can be that simple. Social mores change and evolve, but nevertheless, you should take cues from your host in order to understand what they are for a particular engagement.

        • PolyD

          It is very weird that so many people on this board seem to think it’s totally normal and common for people to say things they don’t mean. Must be very challenging to live that way.

          If I’m invited to an event and it says, No gifts, I don’t bring a gift and if others do, how nice for them. I say what I mean and I assume other adults also say what they mean. If an adult resorts to that sort of subterfuge and won’t say what they mean, well, that’s their problem, not mine.

          I do like the card with a sheet of stickers for kids, though. I don’t have any little kids in my life, but I’m going to remember that one. Heck, that’s not a bad idea for an adult – a card with adult stickers, like from the Mincing Mockingbird or something like that.

          • Anon

            Okay, but that actually is pretty common and you’re kidding yourself if you think people don’t ever do that.

          • PolyD

            I get that it’s common, but it’s certainly not something to emulate or accommodate.

          • anon

            Counterpoint is that this is very cultural. For years, I thought my husband was just an exceptionally generous person (which he is!) because he would always tell me to take the last bite of dessert. After 7 years of marriage, he finally told me that in his East Asian culture, it’s expected that there will be a polite back-and-forth over things like that. He tells me to take the last bite; I refuse and insist that the last bite is his; he declines and pushes the plate towards me, and so on. So while I appreciate the point of “using your words”, it is often far more complex than that.

            For more on this concept, check out “High context and low context cultures”: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High-context_and_low-context_cultures#U.S,_China,_and_Korea

          • Curious

            Thank you, Anon at 1:20. For all the anti-racism here, the degrading of gift culture or less straightforward ways of speaking can be hard to see. I know different cultural norms can be challenging (ask me about how I made an a$$ of myself with Nigerian gift culture or made a Taiwanese friend think I had a crush on her), but that doesn’t mean they’re wrong.

      • Anon

        I’m a parent who does no gifts parties but I totally get this impulse – I think it’s sort of cultural, some people were raised or have developed a culture that really values hospitality and politeness and that runs very counter to not bringing a child a gift for their party. If the worst thing that happens to you is you say no gifts and you end up with three or four unexpected gifts or pieces of plastic crap, count yourself very lucky.

        • Sybil

          I understand the train of thought too, but those people need to realize that it makes everyone who listened to the hosts feel awkward. So it’s actually ruder to the hosts and other guests when you don’t abide by the hosts’ request.

          • anon

            It doesn’t bother me at all when someone brings a gift even if the invitation specifies no gifts. I think it might be an overstatement to claim that “everyone who listened to the hosts feel awkward” and that it’s “actually ruder to the hosts and guests”. You are projecting your discomfort about it onto a lot of other people who might not care in the slightest.

      • Anonymous

        +1 polite society’s insistence on constant lying and reading between the lines is exhausting. We just all need to mean what we say and take those words at face value.

        • PolyD

          Yeah, I had a comment exactly along those lines that is in mod, for some reason. Is there a list anywhere of words or partial words that will pipe you in mod, because I’m at a loss.

    • anon

      Just respect your friends’ wishes! She meant what she said. Bring a card if you must, but NOTHING resembling a gift.

    • Woof

      Bring a card with stickers in it, and drop off a family gift at the house after the party. Or do nothing.

    • Curious

      Hahahaha how many of you are on the East Coast? As a Midwesterner, I am confident that no gifts means “this isn’t a gift grab, but we don’t mind small things.” My Massachusetts in-laws would find that absolutely confusing and infuriating. But here’s the thing: neither group is *wrong*. It’s just different. Those who can’t or won’t understand that make me a little sad. OP, it seems like you’ll have to know your audience, but in my Midwest and Seattle friend circles, stickers/ balloon/ bubbles would be perfect. Or one of those $2 buckets of chalk from target. Something that everyone know isn’t expensive, so that the non gift givers don’t feel bad, but it’s a nice little touch. Or go without and take some cute photos or help with clean up and that is awesome, too.

          • Curious

            Nah, we tolerate them affectionately and do our best to actually tell them we need help with the dishes instead of asking them if they’d like to help.

          • Curious

            And then we visit New York and find it exotic and come home to our cities with alleys and think “ahhh they had good food but it’s so CLEAN here!” then return to the suburbs, turn on sports, and drink a beer we or our neighbor brewed for fun while the kids play.

            I fully admit I moved to Seattle because I needed a different pace, but there’s a lot to admire in the Midwest. As long as it’s not Wisconsin. ;)

        • Minnie Beebe

          Midwesterner here, and same. No Gifts = No Gifts. And I’m definitely not bringing a check for a kid’s 529 plan! I *might* consider that for family (like niece/nephew, but we have never done so and it doesn’t seem the least bit awkward) but ABSOLUTELY not for a friend of my kid.

          • Curious

            Okay, now my interest is piqued. I’m Catholic / Central European Midwest with some Protestant British thrown in. Illinois. Does this vary by state / subculture or is it more that hey we all have too much crap and younger generations REALLY. MEAN. NO. GIFTS. (whereas it doesn’t mean that for my mom)?

    • Anon

      This may be a know your audience type scenario. But if your friend leans towards trying to minimizing random toys and “stuff” to haul home. I’d be tempted to bring a card with a check noted for kiddo’s 529 account. As a mom of a 2 year old, I’d be appreciative of someone thinking that it could be helpful to invest the $20 or $50 dollars you could have possibly spent on a toy and let that appreciate to help with education expenses.

  6. Anon Landlord

    Hi wise hive: Does anyone have any recommendations of companies they use for rental screening for tenants? I’m a landlord based in Canada, and want to be sure I’m doing the best due diligence I can. Thanks!

    • Anon

      We really liked using Avail as a tenant. Not sure if it’s available in Canada.

    • anon

      I used SmartMove from Tr a nsUnion. Not sure if it works in Canada, but I found it pretty useful. It checks credit, criminal and eviction history (in states where it’s permitted to do so).

      I also always asked for a reference from a prior landlord, and when I called the landlord I checked

      • anon

        …I checked to make sure the address the landlord gave me matched the address the tenant had put on their application. You would not believe how common it is for applicants to list a friend as a pretend landlord reference.

  7. anon

    I’m dealing with some serious work-related anxiety. It all stems to worrying that I won’t be able to do The Thing, that I’ll miss my deadlines, that I secretly really suck at this. In other words, textbook imposter syndrome. I am not early in my career, fwiw. How do I get past this? I know I’m being irrational, but the pit in my stomach is there, all the same.

    • pugsnbourbon

      I’m personally on the same struggle bus (even though I gave notice yesterday) and here are some things that have helped:
      – recognizing that very, very few people actually have their shit together
      – doing Just One Thing, even if it’s not The Thing. Small progress is still progress
      – faking it. How would an eminently competent person behave in this scenario? And then proceed.

      Hang in there. Whatever’s on your plate I know you can handle it.

    • AnonQ

      Make a plan for the thing. Break it into small steps and then start taking steps. Working on intimidating projects this way really helps me get over the feat that I can’t do it. And I always find that once I start thinking about it piecemeal, the path forward becomes clear or at least I have an initial question or two to brainstorm with my boss or other stakeholders.

      • nananon

        This. And consider trying the ‘eat the frog’ method: identify *one* challenging task (the frog) and complete the task first thing in the morning (eating it). Then it’s done for the day, and you can pat yourself on the back all day for putting that step behind you.

    • Anon

      Think back on your work history and actually write down all the way that you’ve succeeded. I like to keep an accomplishments folder that is also helpful during performance evaluations. You can look back at times you went above and beyond and really kicked @$$ at your job any time you are doubting yourself. If you are still feeling the imposter syndrome, speaking with a therapist or mentor could be helpful.

    • Anonymous

      I have been dealing with this same problem for months—years, if I’m being honest. (Also not early career. I’m an eighth-year litigation associate at a AmLaw50 firm on the West Coast.) I had a few years in a row with crazy hours and didn’t recognize the early signs of burnout. I recently started going to weekly therapy (first online and then switch to an in-person provider) and after doing that for a few months I got on an anti-anxiety medication. I’ve also let my hours drop a bit and am thinking of going part time for mental health. I absolutely, without a doubt should have done all this years ago, but I thought the only way to signal I was in it for the long haul was to do everything and have no boundaries. Lots of women in my firm that started around the same time as me and did roughly the same amount of work have left the firm. In hindsight, the people who identified and defended their boundaries early were the ones actually signaling long-term commitment. Trying to be one of those people now.

      I may be projecting, but I’d suggest going to therapy. It’s helpful to talk through the anxiety so you can understand its root and the best way to do that (in my experience) is to talk about it with someone who isn’t involved. There are lots of good online therapy options that can get you started in the near-term (e.g., BetterHelp). My firm made five sessions on BetterHelp a wellness benefit during the pandemic. So easy to sign up and get started. It’s surprisingly inexpensive even if its not covered.

  8. Anon

    Re Roe possibly getting overturned. Back in the day, I went to law school for a year. I had a Blackmun clerk for Con Law and even the professor admitted that penumbras are nowhere in the constitution. Even Roe’s progeny were thought to be a constitutionally-defensible, even if most people had no problem with the result (eg Casey putting viability as the limit). Is that not how it’s taught now? Asking b/c while I am personally pro-life, politically I think that pro-choice is where I fall as a matter of politics (sort of like much of Europe — first trimester does not trouble me if allowed, and yet abortion until birth is very problematic given advances in viability of babies born <2 pounds and around 20 weeks).

      • Cat

        yeah I read this three times…. but speaking of Con Law, IMHO many profs don’t get to the more modern and what people think of as “juicy” cases until like the last week of the semester, after spending months on Marbury and the Commerce Clause.

        Sort of like lots of US history classes are lucky if you get more than 2 weeks of teaching on the second half of the 20th century, lol.

        • pugsnbourbon

          Ha – in AP history our teacher (who was also the football coach, natch) realized we were so far behind that he gave up and told us we had to teach ourselves WWI thru Vietnam. Test went great.

          • Anonymous

            My AP history teacher was the basketball coach. I definitely knew more about history than him.

          • Marie

            What was going on with the AP US History teachers? This was exactly what happened to me and it was my lowest AP test score I received. I think we got as far as the New Deal and the teacher was like, “Welp, good luck with the test!!” This was also the same guy who promised us an extra 100% quiz grade if we correctly guessed who would be designated as the new pope after Pope John Paul died. Half the class actually got that right and got random grade padding that had nothing to do with the class or test prep.

            The one part he did that upon reflection was kind of “learning is fun” was playing We Didn’t Start the Fire and having us each pick a verse and report on what the reference was about. And he also gave an extra 100% quiz grade to anyone who could stand up and recite the lyrics 100% correctly (2 people got it, for those interested).

          • Girlonawireless

            My AP US History teacher was the cross-country and track coach. He was awesome and we reached events that happened during our lifetimes before we took the AP test. That definitely wouldn’t have happened with the football coach at my high school.

          • anonshmanon

            Somehow the most boggling thing to me is that half the kids in an entire class were able to name any cardinal of the catholic church.

    • Anon

      This is a highly offensive and gross take. I hope you realize that the majority of fetuses aborted in the third trimester are because of life-threatening complications to the mother or because the fetus has a disease or disorder incompatible with life. Not because someone randomly decides at 35 weeks pregnant that they don’t want to have a baby anymore.

      • anon

        Anon at 10:48, I’m sure you would agree then that abortion should be banned in third trimester except in cases of life-threatening complications to the mother or because the fetus has a disease or disorder incompatible with life?

        • Anonymous

          See it’s the exceptions that make it impossible to legislate this stuff. What exactly does “life-threatening” mean? All pregnancy is life threatening, there is some risk of death. What you mean isn’t any risk of death. You mean a sufficiently high risk of death. How certain does my death have to be before I can make my own decision about my health? Before my doctor knows for sure that her livelihood and liberty wont be at risk for providing life saving medical care to me?

          • anon

            I guess that’s right. I interpret Anon 10:48’s reference to life-threatening complications to mean something more than the condition of being pregnant. Otherwise, that defense of third-trimester abortion is meaningless. This type of line-drawing does not make it “impossible to legislate this stuff”. There are countless areas of law in which tough lines must be drawn: self-defense/defense of others, withdrawal of life support/physician-assisted suicide, cause-of-death determinations (e.g., negligence).

            One can defend third trimester abortions on their merits (many on this site do!), but life/health issues don’t justify the practice in all circumstances

        • anonshmanon

          Anon @10:48, isn’t that exactly the legal situation today – banned in the third trimester unless exceptional circumstances? Your phrasing suggests that you support the upcoming reversal of Roe, but the content of your post is perfectly in line with what is legal today. Overturning Roe will allow states to ban any abortion, in the first, second or third trimester.

      • Anon

        Yeah, very few people would support killing a viable fetus. That would probably go against the Hippocratic Oath for one. That’s not what the pro-choice movement is advocating.

      • Anonymous

        The abortion debate highlights the importance of – and lack of – sex ed in the US. It’s truly shocking that people lack even a basic understanding of the dangers of pregnancy. The prolifers appeal to our worst nature: they practically salivate over envisioning evil irresponsible women willy nilly terminating viable pregnancies in horrific ways. It’s like torture p*rn. It grips the imagination in a way that the facts don’t: uns*xy facts like, many fetal abnormalities aren’t diagnosed until 20 weeks, followed by testing that could take weeks, followed by very difficult decision making and more consultations with the doctor, and more delays in scheduling a procedure. I know a woman – who was prolife at the time – who had to choose whether to terminate a wanted pregnancy that had serious complications before she had final/follow-up test results back because her state didn’t allow termination past X weeks and her test wouldn’t come back until after that date. Heartbreaking.

        • PolyD

          You are so right. +1 million.

          Also how people don’t understand that birth control can fail, that some women might be in a position of not being able to access good birth control, and most of all, there is nothing wrong with “loving” for recreation, not procreation. Expecting abstinence except for when everything is perfect – perfect relationship, perfect birth control or perfect economic situation for having a child – is insulting and unrealistic.

        • Curious

          This very nearly happened to my close friends. They were at the clinic when they got the call that it was okay. It was horrible horrible horrible in every way and I would never wish it on anyone.

        • Anon

          No, pro-lifers do not “salivate” over “porn” if dying babies. Defend your own side – abortion on demand through viability – without attacking your opponents.

          • Anon

            All pro-lifers do is attack people who are pro-choice, and call us amoral, wicked, evil, etc. Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it. We’re under zero obligation to be civil to you.

      • Anonymous

        +1 – a former colleague has been vocal about his wife’s third trimester abortion of a much-wanted third child. The child was incompatible with life and continung the pregnancy threatened the mother’s life.

        “Incompatible with life” means they might be missing the back of their skull, or a spinal cord, or many internal organs. Some don’t live longer than minutes after labor. Others might have a genetic disease that kills kids in the first 2 years.

        Another friend has a kid with a genetic abnormality who was supposed to die in the first two years. He’s never spoken, and is wheelchair bound and considered medically complex. They still change his diaper. He keeps having to have hip replacement surgeries. She’s spoken to me about the difficulty of planning a life (how many kids to have, etc) when they’re unsure how much time they have left with him.

        I’m 100% in favor of third trimester abortion. It’s between a woman, her doctor, and her god, not old white men legislating from D.C. or a (crooked) statehouse.

    • Anonymous

      There is no need for anyone to “admit” penumbras are not “in the Constitution.” The concept itself is the “admission.” That doesn’t make it either wrong or indefensible.

    • Anonymous

      The piece you are missing is that the Bill of Rights was not supposed to abrogate any existing rights, and if you read Roe, it has the history on quickening being the dividing line pre Bill of Rights. The draft opinion tries to erase that history.

    • Anonymous

      Just to add to the things that are incorrect in your post – you misstate the situation in Europe. Europe is generally first trimester on demand and thereafter for health reasons – mother or baby but decided between the woman and her doctor(s). Some countries are more extreme (eg Poland).

    • Anonymous

      If you are “personally pro-life” but think women should have a choice, you are pro-choice. Hard stop. Not everyone who is pro-choice goes around aborting pregnancies willy nilly. If I unexpectedly got pregnant, I wouldn’t have an abortion, but I am 100% very pro-choice because other women’s personal lives and decisions are none of my business, and my body isn’t up for legislation.

  9. Anon

    Is the job market still as hot as comments from a few months ago described? I finally overcame inertia to freshen my resume and start looking, and it doesn’t feel like an employee’s market but I’ve only been at it a few weeks.

    • Anon

      I’m not sure, but where I am, we’re currently in the second biggest wave of the pandemic and no one’s paying any attention at all, so I figure we’ll get another hiring wave to follow when all the new long COVID cases have set in.

    • anon

      My sense is that it’s slowing a bit as people worry about inflation and recession fears.

    • Anon

      From our company’s perspective, we are focusing on strategic hires, and holding on other hiring needs due to uncertainty in the current market.

    • Cat

      depends on the job. There are some areas of my employer that can’t get people in the door fast enough, others that are still fully staffed.

    • Anon

      Nope, and the transition from seller’s market to buyer’s market seems abrupt. My husband is in IT and can measure it by the number of contacts he gets each week from recruiters; it’s gone from about 15-20 a few weeks ago (and it had consistently been at that level for over a year) to under 10 last week. There have been a bunch of tech-company layoffs and then good ol’ Elon (sigh) came out with the Tesla hiring freeze/layoff announcement and of course, there are people who think he’s Jesus and listen to everything he says as though it is the gospel truth. The red-hot hiring market wasn’t going to last forever, and I think it’s over. That doesn’t mean, however, there are not good jobs to be found, especially if you have in-demand skills. If you want to make a change, keep looking, but it’s no longer the mad scramble for talent (with accompanying outsize salary offers) we were seeing just a few months ago.

    • Anon

      there have been lots of layoffs in tech recently. and offers rescinded for new hires. all types of roles – everything from software engineering to HR to legal

  10. Anon

    Wise hive – can anyone pls recommend an undergarment for me? I’ve got a black tie event with lots of photos coming up and want to look fabulous – comfort is a distant second. I want to hide my apple tummy. I’ve tried Spanx but if they are tight enough to help, they quickly roll down. Thank you!

    • pugsnbourbon

      What kind of dress are you wearing – could you wear spanx with straps or boning to avoid the roll-down?

    • Vicky Austin

      Aren’t there Spanx that are like bodysuits with shoulder straps? Will that work with your dress?

      • BeenThatGuy

        +1 those don’t roll. Also look into the Spanx Higher Power. It goes from under the bust to mid-thigh and doesn’t budge either.

      • Anon

        This is what you need. If I know I’ll want to wear these, I pick a dress with straps. They typically end under your bust line, so you can wear a sticky bra or something else – the dress can still be low cut.

    • No Face

      Try a bodysuit style? I used to get tons of ads on Instagram for Honeylove brand.

    • Anon

      There are Spanx with straps and an open bust so you can wear your regular bra. I’m a size 16/18 apple and wore them at a wedding all day on Saturday. They’re great – no rolling down at all!

  11. Horse Crazy

    Looking for a high-quality duvet cover to put on my wedding registry. I want soft, cozy cotton – no linen, no satin/sateen. Must come in white, bonus if it includes shams (but not a deal breaker if not). I think I’ve asked this before but searching is failing me. Thank you!

    • Cat

      FWIW, when we do wedding weekends (at least I assume that’s why you are concerned about suit storage), we just do one garment bag for both of us + one duffel (if driving) or rolling bag (if flying) with everything else. I wouldn’t try to combine duffel with structure.

      • JTM

        Yup, that’s exactly what I was thinking, and that’s actually a really good point! Thank you.

    • Anonymous

      My husband did a lot of researching on a new weekend we bag for himself last year and settled on Filson duffle bag. It’s thick canvas with leather and brass zippers. He loves it and for recent weekend trips on an airplane, vastly prefers it over a roller carry on.

      That last part I don’t understand, as the less I have to carry the better, but I think it’s worth mentioning.

    • Minnie Beebe

      Probably too late to see this, but my husband has the Everlane weekender bag (older version of the Renew Transit Weekender), and he uses it for business trips on the regular. It’s no-nonsense, very basic, but a good size and it’s been durable– in heavy use for many years and still looks perfect.

  13. Anonymous

    Possibly inane fashion question, but I’m going to ask it anyway–I’m heading to London in August for some business meetings and am stuck on appropriate footwear. Heels? My one pair of leather flats? Do business women in London wear rothys to meetings? I hate to be stumbling around London in heels if I don’t have to be, but I also don’t want to look out of step. Plan is to wear a sheath dress and blazer to tow the line of nice, but not a suit.

  14. Central NJ

    Reposting from yesterday PM: We just got great news for our family that means we need to relocate to central NJ within the next 6-8 weeks. (Congrats to those experiencing similar life milestones right now–I recall a few of you!)

    I lived there for a while as a kid but not as an adult. Any suggestions for specific towns to live in? We’ll be renting and any thought on the local market are welcome too. If it matters re: space & location, we’re TTC but no kids yet; a cat and one of our elderly parents lives with us; one of us will be commuting to RWJ in New Brunswick and the other WFH.

    Also, I’d love reccs for any outdoor recreation, dining, etc. in central Jersey or, alternatively, tips to pack and move on short notice!

    • Anonny

      I have extended family in West Windsor. It’s a very nice area with a good school district.

    • Anonymous

      If you want to be close to a walkable downtown Highland Park is nice. You could probably walk to work across the bridge to RWJ. The closed suburb is probably Piscataway. If you want to rent a condo or townhouse East Brunswick has a big selection. It’s right next to New Brunswick but you have to drive about 5 miles on a congested highway to get to RWJ in N.B.

      • anonanon

        I live in HP right now and find it to be one of the most walkable places (pharmacy, small grocery store, library, post office). I also recommend Metuchen (quick drive and cute downtown)

        • Anonymous

          Definitely recommend Metuchen – the Y there also has phenomenal (and reasonably priced) daycare. I anti-recommend Piscataway – I lived there for 12 years until 2019. The town itself is boring with no downtown and no community. The town government makes everything 5 times as hard as it needs to be – including bringing your house up to current code before you sell. That was extraordinarily expensive when we sold a house built in 1956 that had been grandfathered into all previous code updates. I know a LOT of people who bribed inspectors or got dodgy updates to appear in code.

  15. Paging horse riders

    Not the same OP from yesterday, but may I ask another question about riding? My little brother takes weekly lessons and lately has gotten some pretty ugly wounds in his upper thighs and the back of his hands. Does he just need new breeches and gloves or is there some additional equipment for protection? Any affordable recs? My parents didn’t want to invest a lot upfront for a new hobby, but he can’t keep riding like this.

    • anon

      Hmmm. Do you have any idea what is causing the sores? There really should not be a way for the back of his hands to get sores if he is riding properly (aka has decent instruction). As for upper thighs, presuming you mean inner leg – what pants is he wearing? Those have always come from wearing improper pants such as jeans not designed for riding. Kid breeches can be had for cheap and I highly recommend he wear a pair of pants designed for riding so the seam doesn’t rub his leg. Alternatively, that could be the stirrup leather pinching his leg which would mean either they are some terrible leathers or he is turning his toes out way too far which is causing the equipment to perform in a way that it is not supposed to.

      These are my guesses without more info!

    • emeralds

      Missed whatever convo happened yesterday, but define “wounds”–are you talking like bruises, or actual wounds? It’s rare that I come back from the barn without a random bruise or two; I bruise easily, have poor spatial awareness, and there’s always stuff to whack into. Recent culprits: banged my hip shutting a stall door, managed to bruise myself carrying a saddle when I whacked the door of the tack room, couple of weeks ago my horse bucked and I bruised the inside of my knee when I got thrown off-balance, etc. Legitimate wounds, however, would be very rare and concerning!

      If he’s just learning basic equitation, he should not need anything more complicated than appropriate riding pants, boots, and a helmet, and gloves if he wants them.

    • Shenandoah

      He may need new breeches or a pair of full chaps. Is he chafing or is it something else? But if he’s already riding in a pair of breeches, that seems a bit bizarre. Is he wearing boxers or boxer briefs, and maybe it’s rubbing along the bottom of the boxers? Is he using his own saddle or a barn saddle? As for the back of the hands, that one has me completely stumped. There are certainly inexpensive riding gloves (Ovation or SSG would be inexpensive brands) that could be purchased, but I would be really interested to know what exactly is causing the wounds on the back of his hands. Nothing I can think of would be rubbing or hitting that area. If you happen to have a tack consignment shop in your area, that would be the place to go on a budget.

    • Explorette

      Wounds on the backs of his hands? I can’t think of anything riding related that would cause that. Can you give us more detail? I get inner thigh irritation when I wear jeans, and haven’t ridden for awhile. If I’m riding regularly it doesn’t bother me. How new is he to this?

  16. Anon

    I applied for and interviewed for a government job, through to the top level at the agency. I had emailed once to follow up but did not get a response. I saw that the old job posting expired and was posted again. That means I definitely did not get it, right? I’ve kind of moved on from it, mentally, but I felt like they liked me a lot and my sources at the agency also confirmed that they liked me.

    • Anon

      Apply again. Sometimes they run out of time to hire under the posting – even if they like the candidate. Sometimes there’s a mistake in the way the job was posted or some other technicality that requires reposting. You likely will not get hired under the old posting but that doesn’t mean it is because they didn’t want to hire you. Also-many government agencies are bad at follow up. And the rules about what they can or can’t say is so confusing to staff that they just don’t say anything. Can’t hurt to apply again. You already have the documents – just update if needed and submit them again.

  17. What is smart casual?

    How do I pull off the “graphic t under a blazer” look? Do I need to get a certain kind of t shirt? Whenever I attempt this it looks wildly disjointed, like I’m wearing half pajamas and half suit, even if the blazer is unstructured. Is this because I’m a broad-shouldered apple shape, so maybe it’s just not a good look for me?

    • Anon

      I am a short pear, so I need a short blazer and a very non-rectangular tee. IDK how to wear the larger and double-breasted blazers that I see.

    • Anon

      It only looks right on me with a jardigan style topper. Regular blazers and tees make look like a boat captain. I think it’s the fit – the jardigan is not bulky and stretches to fit my shoulders.

    • Anon

      I think you have to get the right blazer. I like ones that are meant to be worn with dresses, not as like full suits, so they’re a little shorter.

    • Anon

      This is a look that involves jeans. I love it for casual Fridays: Jeans, graphic T, blazer, pointy flats or heels. I opt for a structured blazer.

  18. Anon

    Does anyone know anything about becoming a beautician? We have done all of the pre-science, pre-engineering, etc. summer camps for middle schoolers. And one kid has announced that she wants to be a beautician (do makeup, do hair). I know from Grease that there is such a thing as beauty school and our community college has a program. I tried to buy a big head with hair so she can practice, but the beauty supply place said that b/c COVID they are having supply issues. Other than just having her watch You Tube videos, is there something a kid could do here? I think she got excited for primping for middle school dances (that COVID has cancelled for year 3 and counting) and wants to help (or “help”) our church’s wedding-helper ministry (but generally that’s only for kids of adults helping and I don’t have that kind of time or patience and value my weekends a LOT b/c I work FT).

    • Anon

      I’d say just let her do hair and makeup for folks who need/want it. If it’s really something she’s organically passionate about, just getting to practice and learn from YouTube will be more than enough. At that age, kids pivot between many different interests and there’s no need to pigeonhole or lock them into a single one. There are tons of resources online for her to learn from, especially YouTube videos, and she doesn’t need to think about turning it into a career at this point at all.

    • Anon 2.0

      Why does she need to practice now? Is that just for fun since she likes it? At leas tin my area there are schools for this once she is 18 that have a 18 month or so long program with tons of hands on learning in the school salon. A girl I went to HS with went this route and opened her own, very successful, salon. Maybe suggest she take some business classes as well if she wants to run her own business in the future?

      • Anon

        It’s not a “need” thing, but if some kids get to go to space camp to learn science and play astronaut, she wants to know where the beautician camps are. IDK. Maybe there are none. It’s a want. Not a need. Kid is also too young to work, which would be another way to get exposure.

    • Anon

      Not sure if this is age appropriate but maybe she could try to get a job at a salon sweeping up hair and shampooing. Also, you can ask your own hair stylist if you have one or go to a local high end salon. Otherwise, I think it would be fun to do tutorials online or do friends hair/makeup for events like school dances or prom. I also think there are make up classes where she could learn the basics.

    • Cat

      does she follow any local influencers? Some of them might get a kick out of letting a tween shadow them for a day or two, including how they get ready for shoots, etc.

    • Anonymous

      Does she have friends, neighbors, siblings that would be okay letting her experiment? That and youtube/insta seem to be what the pre-beauty school kids are doing. You could call a salon and see if there is anyone she can shadow.

    • Anon

      Don’t kids that age practice on friends? I don’t think it needs to be a structured activity. Get some disposable wands or whatever and they can all bring their caboodles over.

      • Anon

        I would say yes, but with the pandemic some kids don’t socialize like we did.

  19. Anon

    Talk to me re perimenopause shape-shifting. I have been a small-busted pear my whole life. Now, I am getting thicker in my middle also, to the point where I have a feeling that dresses may never fit again (returning a recent purchase b/c bust was loose and tummy was tight). Of course, I have bought some fun long/full skirts with stretchy waists, and I love them. But I am looking at tossing 1/3 of my closet b/c dresses are no longer looking good on my shape. Can I hit the gym with vigor and do a shape reset? Or just accept that this is likely permanent?

      • Anon

        My doctor has ruled out fibroids, which I am glad for, but that means that it’s all me.

    • PolyD

      Estrogen causes fat to be deposited in the hips and thighs and lower abdomen. As your estrogen drops, fat accumulates more in your midsection. Also, as your estrogen drops, your testosterone to estrogen ratio shifts, which also causes fat to go to your midsection. So yeah, you can’t really redirect the fat, but you can try to have less of it. Be prepared for this to be MUCH harder to do now than it may have been in the past!

      I don’t believe in spot reducing, but I think having a strong core can maybe help shape your middle a little bit? At any rate, it’s good to have a strong core to avoid back problems and other issues. I also don’t recommend hundreds of crunches, but things like planks and yoga that engage your core can be good.

      I am embracing the elastic waist pants all over the place now. I’ve also always worn Spanx-type garments under dresses to avoid chub rub (if I’m at the top end of a size on the size chart, I get the bigger size) and while it doesn’t exactly make my waist smaller, it contains the fluff a bit so that dresses fit a little better. Target has a line called Assets and they are mostly cotton and not too restricting, I find them bearable to wear even during DC summers.

    • Anon

      I weigh about the same as I did 30 years ago, but my body composition is visibly softer. My day job is no longer manual labor, so I don’t have that all-over muscle tone that comes from a gazillion reps of 5-50 pound objects every single day. Could I replicate that in the gym? Perhaps, but I’ve no desire to. My new shape is a softer and a bit thicker in the waist. Some of my existing clothes can be tailored to accommodate pretty well, others not so much. I count myself as fortunate that I am healthy, my body can do amazing things and while my shape has changed with age, my overall capacity for exercise/work has stayed about the same. I may not be as powerful in matters of brute force, but efficiency/experience has more than made up for it.

      • Anon

        Mentally, I’m with you. OTOH, I feel like I am constantly shopping and having to buy new clothes. I guess I just need to accept that I will never be done with that task. Maybe when menopause is over? At least my clothes are somewhat current due to shape-shifting, but current styles don’t suit me (double breasted jackets? high waists? pleats? No me gusta!).

  20. Anon

    All the concern about long covid has me wondering about the “long” form of other infections and whether they exist and just haven’t ever been noticeable because those infections weren’t on a pandemic scale. I’m thinking about when I had mono as a senior in high school. It took me literally years to feel normal again after that illness. My hypothesis, not based on anything scientific at all because I am not a scientist or doctor, is that there are probably some number of unexplained chronic illnesses that are actually caused by viruses.

    • Anon

      Allergies, sinus infections, etc. When your nose plumbing doesn’t work and you have allergies, you can have years when you average 75% but have a lot of days where you are exhausted b/c the face pressure doesn’t let you sleep well or you can’t breathe well enough to exercise.

    • Anon

      There is definitely scientific consensus that this does happen, it’s just poorly studied because it’s relatively uncommon and symptoms are often vague. I have new daily persistent headache, a type of headache that appears out of the blue and then never goes away (I’ve had it for 15 years). Nobody knows what causes it, but some research indicates that it’s caused by a reaction to an infection as many people report it starting after a cold of some kind. My lungs have never been the same since having pneumonia in high school- I’m super sensitive to smoke and other irritants in a way I never was before and am prone to long running coughs after minor colds. People have always lost their smell with infections, just not as frequently as with Covid.

    • Anon

      Yes, many in the ME/CFS space have been talking about this for years. They feel very ignored by the medical establishment and hope Covid related research helps them. .

    • Anon

      Post-viral syndromes have been around for a long time. My mother got a serious flu infection back in the 1990s that then turned into what got diagnosed as post-viral chronic fatigue; she ended up having to take short-term disability leave from work and then ended up retiring early because working 9 or 10 hour days (which were necessary for her job) wasn’t doable for her any more. She fully retired from her job at 48; she had a pension she was eligible for at that time (because she’d been working since her early 20s) but it’s worth a lot less now, obviously. She was able to work part-time jobs after she retired but had to keep to things that were low-activity and low-stress because of the fatigue.

      I also have known people who got Guillain-Barre syndrome or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome after viral infections, or ended up with post-herpetic neuralgia from shingles (which can be really painful and debilitating). One of my aunts developed Bell’s palsy after getting a cold sore. Etc. I am actually hoping that the focus on “long Covid” will bring more attention to these situations where people end up debilitated or suffering for a long time after recovering from a “minor” illness, because this has been happening for a long time, and it can really take people down – or out of the workforce. My friend with post-herpetic neuralgia is going to end up retiring early because of her condition (her neuralgia affects her neck and face and can be extremely painful; it’s been well over a year since she had shingles and the condition hasn’t resolved) and there is nothing they can do about it other than what they’re doing, which is having her take gabapentin daily. She’ll end up losing out on 5-10 working years because of it. It wasn’t something I was even aware of before I met her.

      • Anon

        Bell’s palsy is also super common with Lyme Disease. It usually goes away within a few weeks, but not always.

    • Anon

      I’m sure you are right! Viruses are bad for people.

      I think some of the weird stuff they’re finding with COVID specifically isn’t typical in other post-viral syndromes caused by other viruses (especially the cardiovascular stuff and the micro clotting). And to be fair, SARS-1 had a pretty mean post-viral syndrome that people still haven’t recovered from!

      But definitely other viruses can mess people up badly and probably also contribute to conditions we don’t understand well. (We just established the connection between Epstein-Barr and MS. There’s research on infection history and risk of Alzheimer’s underway, but we don’t know what we’ll find. Etc.)

      ME/CFS is commonly post-viral, but it’s a neglected condition and likely to remain neglected until they find a good diagnostic test. There are only a few clinics in the country (world?) that currently treat it with research backed therapeutics, and it’s still hard to manage.

      Fighting off a virus is also a pretty common trigger for new autoimmune disease. In USA, on average it takes years after symptom onset to be diagnosed with an autoimmune condition, so I think we have no idea yet how many long COVID patients may end up diagnosed with one.

      • Anon

        Yeah, my sibling developed type 1 diabetes right after being sick with a cold. Doctors at the time and research I’ve read elsewhere all agree that this is very common. It might be that they always would have become diabetic and just needed something to kick it off, but they were in their late teens already, so it’s possible that they might have avoided it if circumstances hadn’t worked out exactly as they did.

    • Anon

      One kid got henoch-schonlein purpura after a cold, which seems to happen often (and cold = viruses of various kinds).

    • LawDawg

      Most people who had polio recovered just fine. The people who became permanently disabled, like FDR, have/had long-polio.

  21. Anon

    Going super-anon to rejoice in some good news I can’t share IRL.

    Found out that my drama-llama coworker is about to be demoted, removed from all of my projects, shifted to another reporting line, and has a clearly labeled exit in front of her should the drama not cease immediately.

      • Anon

        OP here. My petty side would enjoy seeing that happen, but I am also glad it is being handled in a way that puts the next move on her. She is juvenile and annoying to work with but not actively trying to undermine the company or opening us up to risk. Management has been thoughtful about wanting to do what is best for the company and while also being kind to her as a human being. She is being offered a role that will allow the company to still benefit from her niche knowledge about a somewhat obscure system we use while minimizing the drama the rest of us have to put up with. Her new manager is known for being very fair to employees who do their jobs well, and they also handle a lot of entry level hires and have no effs to give for drama.

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