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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Jones New York was a staple for workwear basics early in my career, but the brand has gone through a number of ups and downs over the years. I was psyched when Kat found that it was being carried at Nordstrom again — the brand had a reputation for skewing a bit older, but I had great luck finding basic blouses and sweaters to build my work wardrobe.
This autumnal floral print would look great with a navy or gray suit or tucked into a pair of camel trousers.
The blouse is $69.50 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes XS-XL.
Hunting in general for blouses in pretty prints? As of 2024, some of the reader favorite brands include L'Agence, L'Amour Vert, Equipment, Smythe, and Tucker NYC. On the more affordable side, check out NYDJ,* Halogen*, Loft,* and Kut from the Kloth. For plus sizes, check out Catherine Gee (and the asterisks)!
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Anon
I think my mom had kitchen towels in this print in the 1970s.
Mrs. Jones
Same
Anonymous
Mine too.
PolyD
Mine too, but I kind of love it for a shirt!
HFB
Corelle autumn harvest for the win!
Anonymous
by the looks of this shirt, they haven’t reached the “ups” on their “ups and downs” journey yet. This is horrendously dates and frumpy.
Anonymous
It resembles the fabric on my grandmother’s sofa.
anon
I would enjoy this print as a fall tablecloth or kitchen towel. Not so sure about it for a shirt!
Anne-on
My boomer mom would wear this with her ‘slacks’ and feel very autumnal. For anyone under the age of 65 it is so, so dated.
Anon
As someone over 65, I would not be caught dead in this print. Just saying.
Sybil
As someone aged 42 who would rock this, I absolutely love it.
Anonymous
A 42 year old who otherwise looks good could wear it ironically. A 60 year old like me would look like an old frump.
editor
Same.
Anon
As a plus size woman, it totally looks like the ish we are “supposed” to wear to be “flattering”. I hate it.
Anon
Oh don’t even get me started on how most plus sized clothing looks as if they expect us to decorate our bodies, as if we were a cupcake, instead of just dressing them. Crazy prints! Bows! Ruffles! Frills! Random giant buttons! I will say it has gotten better in the past few years.
Artemis
Has anyone been to the Omni Bedford Springs Resort in PA? Thoughts? My husband and I are trying to book a quick weekend away sans kids in October.
We live in PA so would also consider going to Maryland/Chesapeake if anyone has any reccs.
Looking for a nice hotel with spa and pools/hot tub and maybe some nice walks/hikes or very low key things to do.
Anon
I’d go to Nemacolin in PA before the Omni. Depending on what side of the state you are on, Greenbriar in WV would also be a good option.
Anonymous
I recommend against the Greenbrier. The rooms are dated and kind of shabby (there was a phone in the bathroom!),the service is terrible (no one at the front desk, supercilious bellmen, etc.), and the food is overpriced and mediocre. For that kind of money you can have a much more luxurious experience pretty much anywhere else.
Anon
I’d do Homestead over Greenbrier. Cheaper and less pretentious.
anon
It’s not worth it. It’s not anything bad but just not that great. The pool is indoor and does not feel luxe. Lots of kids running around. When we were there, check in was a disaster.
Anonymous
I went a few years ago and liked it! In October I’m sure the trees will be beautiful, and there is some nice fairly easy hiking. The town is cute too, and the spa is fun and has a whole thing with the springs you can do.
ElisaR
I went to a wedding there and it was lovely. I think it would be a nice special weekend.
Anne-on
What about going to New Hope? I was there for a wedding in the fall and it was absolutely adorable with all the little shops/restaurants, it had a very Stars Hollow (Gilmore Girls) vibe.
Anon
I haven’t, but I’ve heard good things about it. The Lodge at Woodloch is also pretty popular. I’ve also heard that the Inn at Perry Cabin (MD) is nice.
Anonymous
I love Bedford Springs and have been there several times. I think it’s a great weekend getaway, especially in the fall. The spa services are amazing (the best massage I ever got was there) and the food is pretty good. The rooms are charming and the setting is very peaceful.
Jenny
I go to Bedford Springs a lot. My husband and I typically go for 2 nights in June and my mom and sister and I go for one night in November. It doesn’t really feel fancy but it is nice and charming and very relaxing. They have hiking trails and you can also walk on a trail into the town where there are a few cute shops and restaurants etc. In June we go to the pool which is nice and my husband golfs. When I go with my mom and sister we stay for one night. We mostly sit and read our books, have a drink before dinner, dinner, workout in the morning, breakfast, spa, go home. It’s a nice quick get away and if your purpose is to get away from the kids and relax I think its lovely.
A lot of people in this area do Nemacolin. I have only been there once a long time ago but my sense from talking to people who go a lot and more recently is that its fancier than Bedford and has a lot more activities. Its also a lot more expensive from what I’ve seen when I looked into it.
Anon
Can anyone report on the fit of Banana Republic straight Sloan pants lately? I desperately need work pants and I like that these have some cotton and they’re high rise. I’m hourglass shaped leaning apple thanks to pandemic weight gain.
TravelDreams
Sloan pants are my workhorse. Wash and wear well. Can’t speak to fit for you as we’re different body shapes but they are quality pants. Worth a try.
Hollis
Can anyone recommend a tour or tour guide or guidebook for first time visitors to Barcelona or Paris? We have a 3 generation family (my parents, DH and me and teenagers) and looking to see as much as we can in both cities over our 1 week visit. Thanks!
Chl
I am a Rick Steve’s stan. Have fun!!
NY CPA
+1 I’ve used his books all over Europe and always been happy
Anonie
+1
Anon
Yes! Rick Steves for logistical help as well as great insight
Anon
Rick Steves has yet to steer me wrong.
Hanna
Agree on Rick Steve’s. The books are great, and he has a tour company, too. I’ve been on four tours with my mom, including Spain. It was excellent, and the people on the tour became friends.
LawDawg
Earlier this summer I did a few walking tours in Barcelona that I booked through Viator. I did a Guell Park one day and a half-day best of Barcelona/Sagrada Familia the next. And then the third day, did the Rick Steves audio tours. There are a lot of options from Viator and I don’t know that they are really differentiated. They are worthwhile to skip the lines and we got good info. The Rick Steves audio tours went over some of the same areas, but the presentations were slightly different and allowed us to go at a different pace. We got value from both. Have a great time!
Cat
Rick Steves. Great for making the most of a museum visit, suggested walks for low-key wandering sightseeing, and tie-breakers for “we’re hangry near the Louvre, which of these restaurants is actually decent among a sea of tourist traps.”
Flats Only
I did a couple of tours in Paris through “The Tour Guy” company. They have group and also private. Skip the line small group Louvre was great, and I think I also did a food tour. Prices were reasonable and guides were very good.
little baker mouse
If you like history and architecture, the Blue Guide for Paris is a good supplement to the Rick Steves style of guidebook. It covers major historical sites and monuments in great depth (it has floorplans for major monuments), and also has suggested itineraries for various walks that are basically self-guided architecture tours.
Anon
Check out “Eating Europe” for food tours – the best!
Kate
Shop for me? Looking for black dress pants. I wear ugly safety boots many days and want my pants to cover most of the boots.
– Straight leg or boot cut or slim boot cut. (Not wide leg, flare, or skinny).
– 32-33” inseam (not ankle pant).
– High waist, like 10”-11” rise.
– at least 4 pockets – 2 back pockets and 2 front pockets of some kind, bonus if at least one fits a small cell phone.
– Lined or unlined. Would prefer if somewhat wrinkle resistant but ok if dry clean only.
– Belt loops optional. I don’t care the type of closure, button/zip/flat front etc.
– Strong preference to also be able to buy a matching blazer.
– Size 0 or 2.
– Fabric thick enough to not show outline of vanishing edge undergarments.
– no lace, ruffled edges, just plain pants. OK with the “pin tuck” fake iron marks if needed.
Have struck out this season at: theory, mm La flier, banana, brooks brothers, Ann taylor, loft, and j crew. Budget was ~100/pair if on sale but at this point I’d double that in a heartbeat!
Anon
Old Navy and Gap — my tall kid needs a “suit” for debate and I find dressier pants here as well as casual ones. Also, BR factory vs regular banana.
anon
Safety boots and suits (or traditional business clothes) do not go together. If you need work pants to wear with boots, you need to go to a work wear store (or tractor/farm supply, or even walmart). You can probably find some chinos or thick cotton twill there in a variety of colors from the usual suspects for work (in the most old-school meaning) pants. This is what guys do – even guys with fancy titles. You aren’t finding suiting that works because it is not supposed to work in this application.
Anonymous
Check out Dovetail Workwear, designed for women by women. It goes down to size 000 with a variety of inseam lengths and some of the pants are actually almost cute.
Anonymous
At my previous job, I had days where I needed to be in a suit or something approaching it for meetings, but also needed to be able to go out onto the plant floor sometimes with meeting participants. I had to wear my work boots with my suit, and the best option was pants like the OP is asking for – black, fairly straight or bootcut, and covering most of the boot. I got a lot of mine at BR.
Lydia
I have some pants like this from Target — check out “women’s high rise slim regular fit full pants” from A New Day.
Anon
Cintas Cathy Fit Pants. They’re not fancy, but they have huge pockets, fit well and wear like iron. In black, they’re dressy enough, even if they don’t drape quite as well as “dress” pants. I wore them for years in a similar environment and even in an office, I still pull them out sometimes because they fit well and are comfortable.
https://shop.cintas.com/store/site/c/Cathy-Fit-Female-Work-Pants/p/00039520
I don’t think there’s a matching blazer (but there might be). I used to wear fun tweed blazers/jackets.
Anne-on
I’d check Talbots but I’m not sure they have 4 pockets, I believe my work pants from there have at least 3 (2 front, one small back pocket).
Anonymous
Maybe Talbots?
Anon
Express editor pant
Anon
I wear Everlane barrel pants with my safety boots and want to try their Tencel tapered pants for slightly dressier situations. The barrel pants are a perfect balance of mobility and fit for me. I also like where they hit relative to my boots, though I’m on the shorter side.
I add a blazer or jacket in another color since they don’t have a suit that matches the barrel pants, but I do think the Tencel has suit options.
Annony
If you are a size 0 or 2, you might want to try the men’s section … if you have a Uniqlo near you, that would be a great place to start!
anon
NYDJ? Several of the styles work for me in black with non-matching blazers or cardigans.
Nesprin
Dickies? I know you specified dress pants, but would you consider black canvas?
HFB
Settle a petty debate for me?
if i say “are you free next wednesday for coffee?”
And today is Thursday 9-14-23, am i referring to Weds 9-20-23, or Weds 9-27-23?
Carrots
Wednesday, the 20th
Cb
Agreed. Because it’s next week…
anon
Has to be 9-14 right? I feel like when you use the word next, it implies i will see you on the next XYZ. so, see you on the next wednesday. Saying “this wednesday” i guess would have been alternative, but that feels weird to say on thursday.. I would start to say that on saturday.
anon
Darn, meant to say has to be 9-20
Anon
9-27.
If you are referring to 9-20, you would just say “Wednesday.” Next Wednesday is 9-27.
Anon
Nope nope nope. That’s “the Wednesday after next.”
Anonymous
This. “This Wednesday” is in the current week. “Next Wednesday” is in next week.
Anonymous
Yep, agreed.
Anon
Oh no, that’s nuts, it’s 9-20. Next Wednesday is the one next week coming up.
Anon
Agreed. But it’s safer to say “Wednesday,” “a week from Wednesday,” or “Wednesday the XX” because there isn’t universal agreement.
Anonymous
Nope.
Anon
The 20th. If it was Wednesday the same week I would say “this Wednesday.” Next Wednesday is the next week.
Anon
The 20th, which is both the next Wednesday and Wednesday next week. But I would phrase this as “are you free next Wednesday (the 20th) for coffee?” because it’s always better to avoid any doubt if you’re talking about a day that’s not this calendar week.
Anon
Same here. When there’s two possible wednesdays at play, just clarify.
No Face
I always specify the date for this reason.
HFB
i do too, but the person i am debating with does not, hence the debate.
anon
20th
Anonymous
Obviously the 20th. There is no uncertainty the person you are debating with is trash
Senior Attorney
Heh. Agreed.
Cat
I would assume the 20th under the circumstances (since it’s both next week and the next Wednesday to occur) but if you were asking on Monday the 18th, “next Wednesday” would 100% mean the 27th to me.
Anon
Same here! The word “next” in this context implies “next week” to me. I’m in the southern US if region matters.
Anon
I disagree. “Next’ Wednesday means “the next Wednesday to happen” and that is in the current week (in your example of asking on Monday the 18th). If you mean ‘Wednesday next week’ you say ‘Wednesday next week’.
Anon
Southern poster from above, here!
I hear you on the literal words, but that’s not always how language works! Today is Thursday. If I called anyone in my friend group and said, “Want to go to brunch next Saturday?” I guarantee every one of them would know I meant 9 days from now, even though it’s not the literal next Saturday on the calendar.
Anon
Same and I am Mid-Atlantic.
Anon
If I was asking on Monday, I would say this Wednesday. Next Wednesday means next week
Cat
+1. “This” is used when you’re in the week in question, “Next” when you’re not.
Senior Attorney
Yup.
Anonymous
Weds the 20th
Anon
The 20th
anon
20th
Anon
9/20 is the ‘next’ Wednesday.
Anonymous
“This Wednesday” is in the current week. If there is no weekend between today and the Wednesday in question, it is this Wednesday.
“Next Wednesday” is in next week. If there is one weekend between today and the Wednesday in question, it is next Wednesday.
“Wednesday after next” is in the week after next week. If there are two weekends between today and the Wednesday in question, it is Wednesday after next.
“Wednesday” is the next one that occurs on the calendar. On a Monday, “Wednesday” and “this Wednesday” are the same thing. On a Thursday, “Wednesday” and “next Wednesday” are the same thing.
“This coming Wednesday” is also the next one that occurs on the calendar, but it is most frequently used on Th/F/Sat to refer to the Wednesday that is happening soonest but is also not in the current week.
But some people have no common sense so it’s always safest to specify the date.
Anonymous
This. The key question here is intervening weekends or not.
Anon
If you input “next Wednesday” into gOogle, it comes up as the 20th.
anon
but “next Saturday” is the 23rd and we have an upcoming Saturday still. My take is that “next” refers to days within the subsequent week to the one we’re in. They I suppose we can debate what day of the week does a week start/end on.
PLB
“Next Saturday” is 9/24 because it’s in the next week.
“This Satirday” is 9/17.
Anon.
Agree with everyone that “next Wednesday” means the Wednesday in the next week. In your case, if said today, the 20th September.
I am, however, a big proponent of including the date where you can. I work with Europe, Middle East and Asia, and in Europe, for example, weeks start on Monday (unlike the US, where every calendar starts weeks on Sunday). In other regions of the world, due to religious reasons, weekends could be Friday-Saturday.
Anonie
Obviously the 20th
Anon
This is precisely why I try to always say W 9/14 (both day and date).
hi
This thread is hilarious.
A
20 th
Cb
My cycle-to-work money came in and now I get to buy myself a bike. I picked out a bike over the summer but now I need to decide colour (sadly limited to red and silver).
Anonymous
Red!
You want to be seen when bicycling.
Cb
I mean, I’m lit up like a christmas tree with front, rear, and helmet lights, reflective jacket, etc :)
I misread the website though and the red is £100 more, so it’s going to be silver. But I am getting some very nice pannier bags (you have to spend a set amount and it’s use it or lose it).
Anonymous
Cyclechic UK has some very lovely high-vis and other fun stuff in case you’ve not seen their shop and need som new stuff.
Same for an Irish company called Georgia something for cycle and riding rain wear.
Anon
Red! I bought my first bike in 30(?) years in May and picked red. I also bought a fluorescent yellow helmet. I want to be visible! Also, it’s a bike. No need to be subtle.
Anecdata
How shiny is the silver? I have a very white/silver bike (I think the color was called something like Polar Brilliant) and it’s very visible. But if the silver is closer to grey, yep, go red
anon
Red! I hate how limited bike colors are, but I will always choose something colorful over drab, so ymmv.
Anon
Silver, especially if it’s bare mill-finish Al or Ti. The color of your bike doesn’t help it stand out or not to a motorist (though reflective wall tires do!). You DO want it to blend in and not look fancy if you have to lock it up where it’s out of sight.
If you’re in a high theft area, you may even want to take steps to ugly up your new bike.
Anonymous
Fun! For what it’s worth, I would have picked silver. Will look great with whatever you’re wearing and if it gets scuffed over time then it won’t be as obvious.
Anon
Team silver (my bike is silver and that means my kit and my bar tape can be any color and it always matches).
Anonymous
Ok fitness people. I’m a long time couch potato that has flirted with exercise over the years. My kids are all in elem and my consulting practice is really flexible leaving me time for exercise, which I want to do.
I have a mom-friend that teaches at a local gym where I’ve been a member before and I’m reconsidering. I told her I’d do one of her classes (she teaches a couple types) over a glass of wine, and I really did mean it. She seemed excited.
Thing is you guys, I’m like…40 and not in shape. Like at all. I could probably maybe run half a mile but I would pay for it for days. I did a couple Pilates classes precovid and liked them but they took a lot out of me. I’m I guess active in that i coach some sports (K soccer, 3rd grade softball- nothing strenuous!!) and walk the dog.
Convince me (1) it’s ok to go to her classes and it won’t be weird and (2) to go exercise
Anon
If you go to her classes you’ll have built in accountability and will do better at going. I’m at a similar life stage and say just do it.
LawDawg
GO!! Every exercise class I’ve been to has had options for people who are both more and less in shape. Or, if not, no one looked twice if I decided to “take a water break” if I couldn’t complete something. The only way to get more fit is to start. I’m sure if your friend is an experienced instructor she has seen people at all levels. And remember, runners may not be limber to do yoga and yogis may not have stamina for running. Don’t undersell your fitness level just because it isn’t the same as an exercise class.
emeralds
Go! Everyone starts somewhere. I do a lot of workout classes and there are always people of all different fitness levels. Modify and take breaks as you need, nobody is going to judge you. Showing up to the first class will be the hardest, but it will mentally get easier and easier to keep showing up once you’ve proven to yourself that you can do it.
emeralds
And I mean, worst-case scenario…you go and it’s horrible, it’s not a fit for your exercise preferences, you hate every minute of it. You feel awkward for 30-60 minutes. That’s nothing, objectively. You never have to go again!
I speak from experience: one time I accidentally showed up for a dance-y cardio kickboxing class. I am very fit and in good shape, but I SUCK at stuff like that. I have no coordination. I forget I’ve ever known my left from my right and my knee from my elbow. I had parked myself close to the front for whatever stupid reason, and everyone got to see me f**k it up the whole class. I eventually started laughing, it was so bad, and just scuttled out after the class was done and vowed to never return. And I am fine! You will be fine!
No Face
Do it! You won’t regret.
I started from zero at the beginning of 2022. Definitely could not run half a mile. Very weak and overweight.
Now I can run a 5k and enjoy it! I lift heavier and heavier weights. I wore a bikini this summer for the first time in many years. I feel so much better every day.
Anon
Go!! You have to slog through the humbling parts to get to the great parts. When you are at that class, no matter how tough or slow you are, you’re doing better than the version of you who didn’t go.
Street cred: I came in nearly last in the first half marathon I ever did, and now I routinely podium in local races. There were a LOT of aches and eating my pride in the early stages. It’s worth it.
Anon
As someone who has been to a million of those classes, including ones that I’ve popped into when I used to travel for work all over the US, it wouldn’t be unusual if half the people there were not in good shape. I’ve been to zumba classes where I was the best dancer, and I am not a good dancer. Just go and do it! Unless you do something like break down sobbing during class, nobody will look at you.
anon
You have to start somewhere! I promise it will be okay. Having a friendly face around could be a good thing. Group fitness isn’t totally my jam, but anytime I’ve been to a fitness class, it has had people of all levels.
Anon
Do it, mentally prepare yourself for the fact that the first few sessions will leave you sore for days, and you’ll be fine.
Anonymous
I find that this stuff is easier if I go in with zero ego. I started running about a year ago and I am literally the worst runner in the world. Like, a 20 minute mile. Old ladies pass me in the street. People with strollers walk faster than I run. BUT! I am running. For someone who is a long time couch potato, this is such a triumph that I embrace it.
It will be totally fine to go to her class. And this is the perfect opportunity to tell her that you’re nervous because you haven’t done group exercise classes before, and ask her for advice.
Good luck and have fun – the great thing about exercise is that once you’re actually doing it, it’s super fun! (It’s just getting there that’s painful.)
Anon.
Do it! You will be prouder of yourself if you go than if you don’t! And start slow, take breaks and listen to your body.
I started running again, and after 4 weeks or so I’m up to 1.5 miles at a 12 min/mile pace. Do most of my runner friends run faster and further? Yes! Do I care? No! Because I will be healthier running 20 min every 2 days than if I didn’t run at all.
Anon
It’s absolutely okay for you to go to her class! I am one of those OrangeTheory die hards and one of the things I love about it is that anyone at any fitness level can do it.
And yes, absolutely exercise even if it’s just a walk around your neighborhood!
Anon
If it helps you not be anxious about going, there is usually a “placeholder” thing that the instructor says you can do at any time if you need to slow it down. For example, in a yoga class, the instructor will say, “if at any time you need a rest, just position yourself in child’s pose and join us when you’re ready.” I’m not sure what it would be in the classes you’re considering (maybe marching in place?), but you can ask in advance and then have that in mind.
hi there
I think it would be lovely if you went to your friend’s class.
I was in an almost identical situation to you. I started with a beginners yoga class, and I was shocked to discover…. I love it. It has eased me back into understanding how my body moves, where I am tight/weak, and yoga people are usually kind and good with beginners. I feel very little shame. It has made me stronger and I was shocked I actually lost weight. It is also wonderfully relaxing. I find myself randomly doing the balance poses at home while I am waiting for something in the microwave (!), and it is shocking that just doing these simple body weight exercises have toned and strengthened my body.
I then tried my first “exercise” class after a month or two of trying the beginning yoga, and I wont lie…. it was pretty awful and painful and I hurt myself pretty quickly. I stand in the back, try to modify according to my abilities, and only do the beginner type classes that are more forgiving. My goal is to move into pilates, which I think seems more my style.
But it has been a wonderful social interaction thing, very positive for my mood and shocking good for my health and well being in a very short period of time. I sleep better, I’m more relaxed and in a better mood afterwards, and I actually now look forward to my classes.
But I mean…. I would rather die than run 1/2 a mile and I definitely would appreciate a glass of wine after an exercise class.
Anonymous Canadian
Do it! As a former instructor I can say that your friend will be super flattered and maybe way more nervous than you. After many years, two kids and a big job I went back to group fitness classes as a participant and found them really challenging but fun. The vibe is usually VERY supportive. You might turn out to love it!
Anon
For work conferences where people used to wear suits or business casual, what are people wearing in 2023? I’d normally go with a dress but chub rub is killing me and my undershirts don’t lay flat enough to be undetectable (but they work fine with a rufflepuff or something Betty Draper housewife-adjacent, which is OK at work but not what I want for a conference). Soft pants and a soft sweater jacket?
Anon
They’re wearing the same stuff. Suits and biz casual with more comfortable shoes.
Cat
Same as before, just more likely to be in comfy shoes.
Anon
My conference attire has not changed. Lots of men in suits and women in business formal (some in suits, some in nice separates)
No Problem
Get yourself some body glide or similar for the chub rub. Or wear those Jockey slip shorts. Seriously, no one has time for chub rub and there are many solutions to it.
Anon
Jockey slip shorts for the win!
anon
This is my answer. I’m not how I lived before I had these, tbh.
No Face
Exactly the same as before, but with very few heels of kind.
Anon
You don’t have to die from the chub rub! I swear by Monistat anti chafing cream even in hot humid weather.
anon
Wear some form of tights or nylons and you won’t suffer from rubbing. Skip the undershirt – the reason it looks bad is that neither piece of clothing was cut for that kind of layering. Buy shapewear designed for this if you want more coverage.
Anon
Eek — I meant undershorts. D*mn autocorrect!
Anne-on
I’m seeing the same clothes as before but with more sweater jackets and almost no heels – lots more fashion sneakers than pre-covid and still lots of Rothys/loafers/flats. West coast is always more casual than east.
It is conference dependent though, Dreamforce/Openworld/tech-y conferences are always going to be more formal than an east coast law/finance conference. At a finance conference in NY over the summer there were lots of folks in full suits whereas I barely saw suits at Dreamforce unless you were on stage.
Anonymous
I work in a Salesforce Building and we’re in the midst of Dreamforce. I see a ton of business casual with sneakers, rufflepuff dresses with sneakers, jeans and blazers with sneakers. Note the common thread: sneakers.
Anonymous
I’m in thought leadership, so I frequently plan and moderate panels for all sorts of events. My go-to uniform is a solid dress (like an Etsuko) with slip shorts underneath. I like Softspots flats that have a bit of a wedge. If I end up somewhere casual, I can still blend in. I usually pack a suit jacket in case I arrive somewhere and discover it’s more formal than expected. For dinners, I usually wear some sort of dress as well but the fabric or styling may be more casual (this also gives me another option if I show up somewhere and find everyone in jeans or super, super casual on the first day).
Anon
I’ve never gotten a jacket to work with an Etsuko. I go with a giant blanket scarf in a pattern.
Also, am I right that the “one thing is casual” look is what is current? Like a full skirt, but it is worn with a tee and flats or blouse and sneakers. But only one thing is casual, yes? Everything else is comfortable (so pants more than pencil skirts; no sheath dresses but things are also not shapeless).
Anon
Full SUIT not full skirt.
Anon
Just came back from a large company conference– we are “dress for your day” in the office. I was told this conference was business casual.
Women wore a lot of tailored shirt dresses. I also saw a lot of long blazers or sweater blazers with chinos/khakis. No dress pants or blue jeans, but a structured pant somewhere in between seemed popular. No heels. Typically flats or sandals.
Men wore button downs and black jeans or khakis. Many had sport coats or blazers.
We typically do a lot of sneakers in the office but did not see any at the conference. It seemed like the only rules were no blue jeans or sneakers.
Anon
Just came from one. Suit on a lot of the men, some women. Dresses also seen, but not nap dresses. Work looking dresses. One academic in shorts WTF. I am in work separates (blazer, shell, trousers, low heeled pumps) and I was fine.
Josie P
What are the undershorts that people like these days? Skimmies or something else? I am a size 6 if that matters. Thx!
NY CPA
I like Skimmies and Thigh Society. If I want more smoothing, I go with Spanx power short
Z
I like Thigh Society! I have 3 pairs, they’re very comfortable (but pricey, sometimes they have a buy 1 get 1 half off sale or similar). Does not really smooth the tummy, really just for coverage and preventing thigh rub.
No Face
I buy the Jockey ones at Target
Anon
I love POSESHE Women’s Boxer Briefs 6″ Inseam, Ultra-soft MicroModal Boyshorts Underwear S-5XL on Amazon. I’ve had them for 3 years and going strong! Very comfortable and lightweight.
Runcible Spoon
I recently got a set of underskirt shorts from Amazon on recommendation from someone on this site: Sexy Basics Womens 6 Pack & 12 Pack Buttery Soft Brushed Active Stretch Yoga Bike Short Boxer Briefs. They work really well for me.
Anon
Has anyone done The Sculpt Society, or more specifically The Sculpt Society Mama program? I’m 15 weeks pregnant and the only exercise I’ve been getting for months has been walking my dog. I desperately want to get into better shape before giving birth for my mental health, to get stronger before giving birth, stay healthy during pregnancy, etc. but I’m nervous I’m too out of shape to start cold. Would love to hear from anyone what the difficulty level is and if they feel it would be doable to just jump right in.
Anonymous
It’s definitely doable to jump in. I didn’t do the prenatal program but the rest of the program is totally doable. Lots and lots of leg lifts, arm circles, etc. I didn’t love it, but it was fine for a while and it sounds like that’s what you need!
One note: don’t pressure yourself about being stronger for giving birth. I vividly remember being in a birth class in NY and there was this finance bro and his model wife there. Every class, he would say, “Well, my wife Katrinka* is obviously really fit and does a ton of pilates and kickboxing, so she’s going to have an easier time with giving birth.” And the midwife would literally laugh at him and say, “Nice try. Nope.” Birth comes for all of us. I was super unfit when I gave birth and had two incredibly easy births. (Take that, Katrinka!) So do the exercise because it’s fun, or because it’s great for mental health, or because it’s nice to have something to focus on besides the baby – but don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t happen!
*Katrinka is obvs not her real name.
Anonymous
+1 to your second paragraph. I had hyperemesis for my entire pregnancy and the most exercise I could ever manage was a 2-mile walk at a slow pace. I couldn’t eat much of anything and was basically skin and bones, the least fit pregnant woman you could imagine. The baby popped out a couple of hours after I arrived at the hospital with no epidural or other interventions. It all depends on chance–your anatomy, how the baby is positioned, etc.
Anon
Just so you know, your second paragraph is contradicted by reams of studies. Physically fit women have shorter labours with a lower risk of interventions.
That does not mean that women ought to beat themselves up for not being fit enough or that being fit is a guarantee of having an easy delivery. (Example: me! I was in great shape, one of those annoying “won my age group in a road race in my third trimester” people, and my kid was trying to come out sideways. C-section time.) It does not mean that all women are even capable of being physically fit during pregnancy; joint pain, nausea, HG, and other problems are real and severe.
It does mean that there is a proven statistical relationship between fitness and things that make delivery easier.
Anon
Heading to Lagos, Portugal and Seville in late November and would love any recs! We have our hotels already, so looking for restaurants, tours, and any other activities. I will be almost 6 months pregnant.
anon
We just did Lisbon and Seville (and i was five months pregnant!). Here are some recs:
1. We did a food tour in Lisbon via Airbnb and it was great – there are all sorts of ones available (not sure if ours still is). We had a great lunch at Audrey’s in Alfama, and a delicious dinner at Boa Bao. Try all the pasteis de nata (Fabrica de nata, Pasteis de Belem, Manteigeria)
2. Sevilla restaurants – Taberna Coloniales (plaza cristos de burgos), La Bodega de Alfalfa, Rayas for ice cream (few locations around the city), Arabesca (to take a break from spanish tapas!).
3. Sevilla random ideas – walk over the bridge to Triana, enjoy lunch on Calle San Jacinto (especially on a weekend when it’s BUZZING. Visit the bullring (museum entry allows you to walk around the bullring itself). Visit Plaza de espana, buy tickets to teh alcazar ahead of time, and roam Santa Cruz neighborhood. Check out Hotel Alfonso XIII just for fun. Walk through the Universidad if the doors are open. Cruise Calle Sierpes and Tetuan even if you don’t want to shop. Get churros at the Churreria by the Triana Bridge.
What great cities! Enjoy.
anon
Oh I am jealous and so happy for you. I studied abroad in Sevilla in the 00s and it was a dream. Love that place. My recs are probably very outdated and cheap college-kid-centered. I remember loving a Bocadillo de Lomo, which is pork tenderloin. You really can’t go wrong in center of town, at least you couldn’t many years ago ;)
Anon
We did Seville and the Algarve in March. I don’t have specific recs beyond the usual tourist stuff but I loved both of those places. I think Seville might actually be my favorite city in Europe. Someone told me it’s the Florence of Spain and I think that description is spot on.
Anonymous
That someone has not seen too much either from Spain or Europe. The equivalent to Toscana in Spain is Matarraña area in Aragon.
Anonymous
Those of you who are in management positions, how do you handle working with an individual you supervise who is both doing a crappy job at her substantive work and difficult to work with personally? I share an assistant with another person at my level. The assistant has been making substantive mistakes (including not circulating substantive items to the appropriate people when I was on maternity leave resulting in missed deadlines) and has made some derogatory work and personal comments about me to other employees (even a superior of mine mentioned it to me). She is on a PIP currently. She is a negative person by nature, is out of the office for various health/family matters an average 1.5-2 days every two weeks, and is easily offended (she always thinks I’m closing my door “at her” when I just need to get work done while I’m in the office). My colleague who shares the assistant with me thinks that this is “veering into the personal” realm and wants me to work to bridge that gap. I think he is being overly generous. Frankly, I don’t want to chit chat or be overly friendly with an employee who is not getting her work done and complains about everyone/everything. I just need to do my job, but I also recognize that I need to find a way to work with this person at least in the short term.
Anon
I’d fire the person.
Anonymous
No useful suggestions but I am stabby on your behalf at your colleague who is listening to toxic worker and basically telling you to smile more. F him.
Anon
Yup! That jumped out to me as well.
Anon
+2
I have sadly found that often I have more conflicts with other “difficult” female co-workers who I supervise than my male counterparts have with the same difficult people. Initially, I thought it was my fault of course, but then I realized I was incredibly accommodating and the woman I was supervisor was completely inappropriate and disrespectful. It really is brazen how “two faced” some people can be. The younger I was as a women supervisor, the more I got walked over, and my (not the smartest…) male peers got much better respect for no reason.
Anon
I would also fire. Personal derogatory comments? She’s never going to be better than that. Sorry, I’m a cynic.
anon a mouse
How much longer does the PIP run? I’d focus on managing to the PIP and using that as a basis to fire (assuming she fails to meet the goals).
Anon
Fire her. This situation is not going to improve.
anon
Particularly since already on a PIP, continue the document/feedback cycle, or whatever is required per the terms of the PIP, and then fire. There is no improvement to be had or worth spending your time and energy on based on what you’ve described, in my opinion.
Working with her in the short term? Lots of written feedback and just grin and bare it. Talk to superiors/HR and figure out what a clear exit plan is so you have an end in sight.
Anon
If someone is genuinely easy to work with and a good colleague but produces subpar work product, there can be value in developing their skills. If someone is a total jerk but good at their job, it might be worthwhile to keep them around (although I would caution against promoting them).
Just fire an incompetent jerk. There is nothing there to work with.
Anon
This sums up my management philosophy.
TelcoLadyJD
Apparently nobody ever told this person that, in life (and jobs) you can be: (1) bad at your job; or (2) an asshole….. but not both. I’d work on getting rid of this person.
Anon
just commiseration from me! I am trying to give my new hire a lot of grace but 3 months in, nothing seems to stick and we go over the same topics time after time, something that was said in a morning meeting needs to be explained again in the afternoon, and very basic professional concepts like you need to respond when people email you and follow up a second or third time. There is always an excuse like ‘I really didn’t see that email’ or ‘I sincerely thought the deadline was tomorrow, not yesterday’, ‘I thought I already did this’.
I don’t know how to balance going slow enough for her to have a hope of retaining things, while also adding new tasks and train on those, and somehow reach an acceptable level of productivity by the end of probation.
anon
Your job isn’t to make them retain for proficiency. Your job is to teach them to do their job. If they can’t do that, then that’s exactly what probationary periods are designed for. Do not overextend yourself to slip this person through probationary period if they’re only going to be a massive continued headache.
Sometimes jobs and people just don’t fit, and that’s perfectly fine.
Anon
Agree. You aren’t helping anyone by pushing her through… and it will only make your life harder when you eventually do get rid of her. She can leave a short stint off her resume or say “it was a bad fit;” it’s harder if she’s there for a year.
Anonymous
Since we’re anon, I’ll be brutally honest. I’d work with the PIP documentation and terminate as soon as you’re able. And actively avoid following colleague’s advice. The end goal here is getting rid of them and you don’t want to provide any ammunition. The more you talk with this individual and let your guard down, the more likely you are to reveal anything personal, etc. that she can try to use against you when she’s fired and looking to sue. Keep everything professional and documented and nothing more. It will also help in making you less attached or angry when the time comes to fire, which it will. And shame on any colleague that is giving this woman air. Document what you are hearing and when and from whom. Probably not needed, but it doesn’t hurt to have handy for HR if you need to build a pattern of insubordination. Talk with HR about it–they’ll have guidance. You’ll also want to work with them on the best ways to address her taking leave so frequently without notice.
crash
+1
Anon
I always thought a PIP is a professional courtesy to get a new job. Does HR actually want to keep her on long term?
Anon
My brain is fried. Help me order my Sharepoint folders the way I want them ordered – I know someone at my last company used to put an extra character in to make this happen but I can’t remember what they did. I have folders titled “X 1” and “X 2” and so on. But when I get to “X 10” it doesn’t put it after “X 9” , it puts it between “X 1” and “X 2.” Any way to make it recognize that 10 goes after 9?
Anon
X01 X02
Anon
Thank you!!! Feeling like an idiot, but again, brain is fried!
Cat
if you think you’ll hit 3 figures, spare your future self and do 001, 010, etc :)
Anon
This is also why I name file YY-MM-DD and if the month or day is single digits, start with a 0. Everything lines up so nicely!
Anon
Name *fileS*
No Face
Any downsides to fostering kittens? I’ve never done it before but I think it would be really fun for our family this fall/winter.
anon
Yes. You may fail as a foster family and end up keeping said kitten. :)
Anne-on
Ha, this. A colleague fostered 6 kittens and ended up keeping three. She also very cleverly invited her daughter’s classmates over for regular playdates to help ‘socialize’ the kittens, which is how the other 3 got adopted.
Anonymous
One downside is that if you WFH and your colleagues find out that you are fostering kittens, they will demand to see them at the beginning of every Zoom meeting.
edj3
This is how I got my COVID shittens–a co-worker was fostering 4 kittens and they did indeed scamper all over her desk during our Teams calls. So I convinced my husband that two more cats was really just two PAIR, not four cats (no he wasn’t really convinced) and we brought home two of them.
I love my COVID shittens even though they’re now three years old so not really kittens.
Anon
Um. Is this an intentional misspelling?
edj3
Yes, because when they were kittens, they were little sh!ts–hence shittens.
Anon
Haha I have also had shittens. They’re 13 years old now and now they’re shats. I feel u.
edj3
Yup, love my shats!
Anon
Depending on the age of the kittens and whether they are with their mother, it may involve getting up overnight to feed them. Do you currently have any pets? They may not get along and you would then have to keep them spectate.
Otherwise, the only “downside” I’ve seen is being a foster fail and ending up with new kittens in your family.
Anon
Kittens are usually born in the spring so in most parts of the country there won’t be a huge need for kitten fostering in the fall and winter, but I guess this will vary locally.
anon
In the Midwest, and there is still a huge influx of kittens right now. The shelters are having a hard time keeping up.
LawDawg
There will always be outliers. My foster failures were born in early February 2017. They were from the 4th litter that I fostered in the preceding year. And I am in the Chicago area so not where you would expect cats to be frolicking in the winter months.
Anonymous
You’ll wind up owning two cats
Anon
Be aware that sometimes even if you do everything right, sometimes kittens die. Vet foster programs carefully and be clear your family can only take healthy kittens. It doesn’t eliminate the risk but it will help.
Otherwise, this is a very valuable thing for shelters and should be a ton of fun!
anon
I have five cats myself and am currently on my third set of fosters this year. Here are my tips and info:
1. If you have never fostered before, start with kittens who are relatively healthy and don’t need too many meds, etc.
2. Set up a separate space in your house for the kittens. They are very fast and small and can hide in all sorts of places. I currently have them in my finished basement in a large pop-up tent with their food, water. litter boxes, toys, etc.
3. Change litter boxes at least 2x a day or more. Kittens have small bladders and use the box a lot.
4. Kittens are messy to do your best to keep the area clean and provide fresh towels, bedding, etc.
5. I leave out toys for my kittens and try to have interactive playtime sessions with them during the day. I WFH so I’m able to spend a lot of time with them, but you can absolutely foster if you are away during the day.
6. Get a kitchen scale in case the shelter wants to keep track of their weights. They will need to be 2-3 lbs to get spayed/neutered.
7. Clean and disinfect everything when you are done. I use the Rescue brand.
Fostering can be hard work, but it is rewarding to give them a safe, happy place for them to grow. The biggest downside is saying goodbye and bringing them back to the shelter. I got all my cats as adults, so it’s fun to have some little ones to play with. Thank you for considering this! It is a huge help to overcrowded shelters.
anon
3. That is meant to be *scoop* litter boxes. You don’t need to constantly change them out. Have multiple boxes.
Anon
Allergies, litter boxes and care if you want to go out of town. But I’m a dog person and those factors have always put me off cats.
Anon
I did this for a few years. Love it, but work has been too busy lately so I have been taking a long break. As far as downsides:
-If you have other cats they have to be kept separate in case the kittens have feline leukemia; they can’t be tested until they are around 8 weeks or something so you run the risk of them giving it to other cats.
-It is very messy! Between food mess and poop/pee, it is a lot of clean up -usually multiple times a day. They do instinctively know how to use the litter box, but they often pee/poo in other places. This is the worst part.
-Since I work FT I can’t do the bottle fed babies as I don’t want to get up every few hours at night to feed, but if you can do that, these are the fosters that are most in need!
-If you go away you need to have someone to watch them just like other pets.
-There are quite a few visits back to the shelter during the foster period, for shots, spay/neuter, if they get sick or seem sick and need to be checked out. I mention this because it takes time out of your day. I schedule these in the very early morning or late afternoon to work around my work schedule.
-At the beginning they can be kept in a smaller contained area like a pen, but as they get older (around 4+ weeks) they need more space to run around and play. So you can’t really keep them in a small pen for the entire foster period. I find a bathroom works well for this, as it is easier to clean up any messes.
-Foster Fails! You may end up keeping a kitty or two!
Having said all this, it is so much fun especially if you have kids who can help with the socialization of the kittens!
No Face
Thanks for the comments and helpful tips! We are fully out of the baby/toddler chapter, we have wonderful neighborhood teens who can watch them when we are out of town, and my kids are on a big helpfulness kick. I’m ready to go!
Anon
I’ve fostered several litters of kittens and I recommend doing a paw print for each one as a memento if your time with them.
Socializing in a home makes them so much more adoptable! I’ve seen people choose the least cute kittens just because they have the best personalities from being comfortable with people.
Anon
My mom has fostered many kittens born to feral moms who were trapped as part of a TNR program. If they’re far enough along, they let mom give birth. Otherwise, the vet ends the pregnancies during the spay. She had her “own” 2 cats, and she kept 2 siblings from this fostering. They aren’t very friendly or cuddly cats, probably because mom was feral. One of them basically hides in the closet or under the bed all day, and only my mom can even touch him. Something to consider if you’re going to likewise foster barn or feral outdoor kittens.
Eye Liner
Recommendations for a pencil eyeliner? Looking for one that does not need a separate sharpener. I usually use a brown on my bottom eye lid, and need something that does not cause residue on my contacts. Thanks!
Anonymous
About the residue: does it come back if you take your lenses out and clean it off? If yes, it’s not makeup, it’s calcium build-up from your tears which are extra calcium-y. Your doctor can prescribe a different type of contacts that are more resistant to calcium.
Eyeliner: https://www.ulta.com/p/retractable-long-lasting-mechanical-eyeliner-pencil-xlsImpprod4141599
Anon
Clinique quickliner, Kat Von D. or Urban Decay. Go to Ulta or Sephora and play with colors.
Cat
+1 for Clinique quickliner. Also I use Bobbi Brown shadow sticks as eyeliner – it’s a fine enough point for a soft line.
Runcible Spoon
+1 for Clinique quick liner, in roast coffee for a brown color. Enjoy!
anon
Clinique quickliner or Estee Lauder double wear. I’ve also been enjoying eyeshadow sticks, in a darker color, lately. They give me a smudgy look with little effort.
anon3
I’ve had just about the worst year a person can have so far–within the past 6 months, my best friend passed away young and expectedly, my mom had cancer, and I got dumped out of nowhere shortly after my mom finished chemo by someone I really, really liked and was very serious about. I would say I’ve been dealing with it all okay but not great, and definitely have days where getting out of bed is a monumental effort. On top of this, I was put onto a new project at work that has turned out to be busy, toxic, and frustrating. I could deal with the situation at work better if my personal life wasn’t in shambles but it is what it is, and work is killing me. I took last week off and went on a tropical vacation hoping that would help reset, but now that I’m back at work, it feels like it just made things worse. I feel more burnt out than I did before I left, and while work used to at least provide a distraction and a set of goals, that’s even gone away.
I have a great relationship with my manager–he’s aware of my personal situation and has been very understanding of me needing to take time off/generally being off my game, but hasn’t done much in terms of helping me get out of my current project that’s causing the issues in the first place. I’m expected to be on this project through end of 2024. FWIW, he claims he hasn’t received any negative feedback on my performance so far and he thinks I’m being too hard on myself.
I’ve applied around to a few places, but leaving also feels like not a great idea, as at least at my current job my reputation for good work proceeds me and people are willing to cut me some slack. There’s no guarantee that any new manager would be as understanding as my current one, and it sometimes feels like I’m exploring leaving my job because it’s the one thing I have control over in this mess.
The situation is unsustainable but every option sucks–I just don’t think I’m in a position to do good work right now no matter what I’m doing, but not having work to structure my day around would also not be great. I’m already in therapy but not on medication–maybe I should be? I’m just so desperate to feel normal again.
anon3
Ugh typo–my friend passed away UNexpectedly
Anon
Hang in there and do the best you can. A new job doesn’t sound like a good idea at all. All jobs come with a crummy project and many come with crummy bosses. You’ve got a good one. Lean out a little and in time you’ll feel better. It’s hard now, just be gentle with yourself and it will all get better.
Anon
+1
Totally agree
Anonymous
Honey, this is depression. Get some meds. If you’re resistant to the idea of being on them long-term, think about them being just to help you through this patch. Once you’re on the meds, see if work still stinks and then job hunt.
Anon
+1
Anon
I feel you, that sounds really hard. What helped me through multiple crises this year was getting outside every single day. I think the act of taking a few minutes for myself while things were going to hell around me and also getting a little bit of exercise (sometimes as little as 10 minutes of walking) helped me feel like myself and like I accomplished something when I couldn’t change much else. You may already be doing this but just in case, thought I would share that it had a bigger impact than I expected on my well-being.
Anon
I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. Please remember that you are not a machine – it’s impossible to perform at 100%, 100% of the time. Provided your boss hasn’t been dishonest or sneaky in the past, I’d take him at his word that your performance is fine. In your shoes, I’d stay in my current job and focus on healing – plan more trips, take 3-day weekends when you can, etc. I hope you start feeling better soon.
anon a mouse
I’m so sorry about your friend. I’ve lost two friends, years apart, and each loss completely rocked my world. Be gentle with yourself – even without everything else, this is a major trauma and things are going to be really hard for a while.
I agree that medication is worth exploring – doesn’t have to be forever, but for now, to help you regain your bearings. If you can afford it, you could also consider intermittent FMLA or dropping down to 80% to give yourself a little more space and lower the expectations.
Anon
Hugs. That is awful.
I have been on frustrating and all-consuming projects; toxic is another level. Is it another department screwing you over? Unreasonable expectations? Too much work?
Whatever makes it toxic – your manager should be able to help you reset expectations. If it’s another department, he should be going to bat for you with his peers; if it’s co-workers, he should be telling them to cut the crap.
Sometimes, people get stuck in hearing “emotions” and think their job is to be emotionally supportive, when what you really need is for them to do something specific.
Anonymous
I’m going to offer you opposite advice from others. I had a similar year a few years ago (I got pregnant, got cancer while pregnant (so had to terminate), went through chemo, parent was in a horrific car accident, and right when all of this was resolving COVID started). I was in a job that was similarly demanding and I was really struggling and I did leave.
It was the right decision. We spend a lot of hours at work and if you are having struggles in your personal life adding a bunch of miserable work hours on top of that is really hard to bear. Switching jobs made my workdays very pleasant – nice coworkers, interesting work, etc. and I had more free time to sort through my personal stuff.
Good luck. I do also recommend meds which I needed to get through that time.
Anon
I agree on the medication consideration, especially if you know your family/genes are a little prone to depression. Also get yourself a happy light, as the winter lack of sunlight is rapidly coming, and will only make it worse.
I also found a lot of solace in support groups at junctures like this. Some Cancer Centers have support groups for family members/caregivers, or ones for people who have suffered recent loss. A lot of them meet remotely over zoom now, and sometimes I have met someone nice there that I could just meet occasionally for coffee, and it helped that they really understood.
And yeah… definitely stay at your job right now. Simplify. You are lucky to have a good job, nice boss/co-workers, and people’s respect. Just focus on one day at a time at work, and take care of yourself as much as possible.
Yoga helps a lot.
Anonymous
Don’t quit. You’ll be starting on building a reputation and lose your vacation accrual. Focus on small stuff. I make lists and come home and clean one thing a day (nightstand drawer, etc) You’ll feel like there is progress. Follow the advice here from others on therapy approach. And put yourself out a couple of years. I once went through a time where in two months I lost my job, was diagnosed with cancer, and has my young dog diagnosed with cancer. Keep remembering a year from now May look entirely different. I’ve since moved on from a better job, recovered from surgery and regained my health and was able to see sweet dog through another three years thanks to an amazing oncology team and since took in a stray who desperately needed me. This rut won’t last forever.
anon3
Thank you everyone–definitely seems like meds are step #1 and I’ll hold off on any major job changes until I can determine if that’s working. The kind words mean a lot–and general thanks to all the commenters here who take the time to share their story and give words of encouragement to all of us who use this as a sounding board !
Anonymous
I have also had a terrible year and what I think has helped me is learning about the 7 types of rest and incorporating some of them in my life. It may be that you are depressed but you also just may be grieving. Listen to some grief podcasts like Terrible Thanks for Asking or It’s OK That You’re Not Ok, Medication or grief counseling or trauma-informed care could help, but you also need to incorporate some small stress relief changes to your regular life like getting outside or yoga or meditation or something creative. Those things will help even if you change jobs.
anon
I’m so sorry. I also had a terrible year, and I’ll just share a few things that helped me. One was using the timer (pomodoro method) a lot while at work, and telling myself, for the next 25 minutes, all I have to do is debug this code/write this report. I don’t have to think about the terrible things that have happened or the difficult current relalities. It’s a “mini-vacation” where all I have to do is think about one thing. It sounds silly, because obviously writing a report isn’t a mini-vacation, but, it helped a lot. Another thing that helped me a lot was reminding myself that however I was feeling (and the truth was, I felt incredibly sad and hopeless and scared most of the year), I could still be useful, and make other people’s lives a bit better. So I’d wake up in the morning and say, let me try to find ways to be useful today. For work, maybe one thing you could explore with your manager is if he could at least also add you to a fun project with a well-functioning team? I don’t know if it’s normal in your workplace to have several projects at once, but for me, it helps a lot if I really like at least one of them.
Bhutan recs
Have any of you been to Bhutan? A friend and I are planning a trip there for next spring. We’re working with a travel agent but would love to know if anyone has any “must see” places there.
Runcible Spoon
You might like to check out the Overseas Adventure Travel itineraries for trips to Bhutan to see where they take visitors. OAT is very good about bringing small groups to the “real” parts of the countries they tour.
anonymous
Anonymous for this and asking forgiveness for my parochialism…
DH and I live in a midsize city in the Midwest and neither have visited the West Coast for any extended period of time. We’d like to travel to San Francisco, Portland, or Seattle (and surrounding areas of the city we choose) later this fall. 5 days, no kids.
Are these cities safe? We hear horror stories on the news about homelessness, crime, etc., but recognize these could be overblown. Any recs also appreciated!
Anonymous
Those are the worst places on the west coast to visit, unless you enjoy being harassed on the street by people who are drunk and/or high.
Anon
Do you live in one of these places or are you just a regular faux news viewer?
Anon
I’m in San Francisco and it’s not overblown. You can find plenty of areas that are totally fine, but if you’re unfamiliar with the city, it can be a lot of mental labor to figure out safety. You will be picking your way around needles and human feces if you go downtown or to certain other neighborhoods. Children’s playgrounds may be off-limits depending where you are.
San Francisco is an absolutely beautiful city and I, like many others, am sick of living on edge and having our rights violated constantly.
Anon
+1. As a Chicagoan who’s used to urban living and hearing how dangerous my city is…SF really is that bad. Even “cute” areas can be rough. I was unsettled by how unpredictable the homeless population’s behavior can be. Typical city smarts aren’t enough.
anon
Between this, and the high cost of living in SF, I have questions. Beauty doesn’t outweigh safety.
Anon
Between this, and the high cost of living in SF, I have questions. Beauty doesn’t outweigh safety.
Anon
Also in SF and I completely disagree with this take. There’s one dangerous area that’s always been dangerous, a less exciting downtown and very robust neighborhoods that are bustling. It’s a great city to visit. Stay in a hotel on Nob Hill, the Presidio or a neighborhood for a few nights. Go to Napa or Sonoma for a few nights. It’s a wonderful place to visit and live and I’m sorry the other poster is having a rough time here.
Anon
I don’t live in SF but go there nearly daily for work, the parts I go to are perfectly fine. During the day, stay in a nice hotel, do some sightseeing, all the touristy parts like Fisherman’s Wharf and the Embarcadero are safe and worth visiting.
Anon
You could spend easily 5 days in any one of those cities and environs. Trying to do 3 geographically disparate cities in 5 days is way, way too much. Pick one, or at the very most, two. But I’d really encourage you to pick just one.
Yes, they’re safe if you follow reasonable precautions like not walking after dark in certain areas, but you will see a lot of homelessness in SF and Portland. I’m less familiar with Seattle so not sure if it’s an issue there too.
Anonymous
She said “or” so I think she’s trying to pick between the three.
Anon
Reading comprehension fail
Anon
As a Californian, this isn’t where I’d go if I were going to the West Coast for the first time, especially if you’re asking this question. I’d go to LA, San Diego, Santa Barbara, Monterey, one of the the national parks, or some combination of these. Which one depends on whether you’re a city person or like nature more and how much you want to drive, but there’s so much more to CA than SF.
Anon
Agreed. I’d go to Yosemite.
emeralds
Ha, I have a comment in mod about a brief stop in SF this past summer–we were actually there en route to Yosemite, which I would 15/10 recommend. Yosemite and Sequoia would be a great combination if you want to do more than one thing.
Anonymous
This.
Senior Attorney
Agree.
emeralds
My husband and I were in SF briefly for the first time this summer, and really enjoyed it. We stayed at the InterContinental Mark Hopkins, which I’d seen recommended previously on here. The neighborhood felt super, super safe, as did everywhere we went to do touristy things–Pier 39, Chinatown, around the Golden Gate Bridge and the Presidio, and Oracle Park since he’s a big baseball guy. Granted, we were only there for two days so didn’t have time to do all that much exploring or get off the beaten path, and we didn’t ever use public transit so I can’t comment on that…not at all trying to pretend to be an SF expert here, just commenting as someone who recently did the kind of trip it sounds like you might be considering.
We did Uber through the Tenderloin on the way from the airport to the hotel, which looked like the horror stories you hear about. But outside of that, we both felt completely fine. It turned out he’d been a lot more concerned about safety than I was, and he commented that he’d been expecting some kind of post-urban apocalypse from the news but was pleasantly surprised.
Anon
I live in SF, and for whatever this is worth, emeralds’s account of the tourist experience here strikes me as probably about what you’d encounter. The above SF resident is talking about real things, and many of them are frustrating to me too, but I suspect they’re associated more with living and being here all the time–I don’t actually think it would be hard or involve a lot of mental labor to be and feel safe here as a tourist.
Anonymous
Every time I am in SF for work I get accosted by drug-addled men on the street, no matter where I am, even if I’m in a touristy area for a conference.
Anon
You’re too sensitive to people who just want a buck or some pocket change. They ask once, you say no, everyone moves on. I highly doubt they “accosted” you.
Nesprin
Yes, they’re largely overblown by people who want you to believe that a bleeding heart liberal city could not possibly be a nice place to live.
For SF, stay out of the tenderloin, don’t plan on driving within the city, and accept that there are houseless people, and the city will smell a bit sometimes but otherwise SF is fine. There’s great architecture and museums, world class symphony and orchestra, all sorts of neat food and interesting neighborhoods, and gorgeous nature within an hour’s drive.
anon Bay Area
I live in the Bay Area and go into SF from time to time for fun things like the Exploratorium and the National Park Service site and restaurants around Fort Mason. It’s lovely here and perfectly possible to have a wonderful, safe trip. I’d stay out of the Tenderloin and anywhere else that feels sketchy. Follow the general advice that’s given when going to a big city almost anywhere, including don’t leave things visible in your car anywhere in the region.
There’s lots of great nature and culture in the greater Bay Area, so you could do a combination of SF and the wider area for a trip.
Anonymous
I love the Exploratorium.
Anonymous
With five days in one of those locations, I’d do one day in a city, two days wine tasting, and two days in a national park or something similarly outdoorsy. If you haven’t spent time on the west coast then I think either Napa or Sonoma and redwoods would be a good option. I’ve been itching to go to Willamette Valley personally, but I’ve been to CA many times.
Anecdata
So I’ve been to SF recently and have family in Portland and FWIW, I think both are “safe” for tourists – like any cities, there are good and bad areas. Stuff happens, but as with many destinations, driving there is statically more dangerous than the likelihood of being seriously injured in a crime
But separate from the actual likelihood of being a victim of serious crime is what is your own tolerance/comfort level – like if someone who is actively using drugs yells at you from several feet away, are you going to feel unsafe/not enjoy your trip? That kind of thing is pretty common, and there’s no judgement if dealing with it isn’t worth it to you
Second the thought that those 3 cities in 5 days sounds like a lot! Especially Portland and Seattle, a lot of people want to have time to explore the natural areas just outside – the San Juans, going to the coast or up Multnomah gorge, etc
Anon
I would do just Portland and Seattle, otherwise you’re spending a ton of time in transit. Or even better Portland and the Oregon coast.
Anon
I would pick Seattle of all those options, from a crime perspective, but the rain/darkness situation is *real,* especially as you get into later fall. What month are we talking?
Anon
Californian here: do you care more about nature travel or city travel?
If nature, consider the Central Coast (San Luis Obispo, Santa Maria, Ojai, Santa Barbara).
If city, SF (SFMOMA, DeYoung, Golden Gate Park, Chinatown, City Hall/Opera area, Ghirardelli Square/Fisherman’s Wharf, Ferry Building) or LA (Getty x 2, LACMA, Venice, Santa Monica Promenade, rent a car and drive Sunset from the beach to downtown, Dodger Stadium, Japanese American History Museum). You won’t love everything in either place, but you’ll see a lot of interesting things.
Anon
If they like nature, I’d go to Yosemite.
Anon
Yosemite is the obvious one, but Point Reyes, Sequoia and Kings Canyon, Joshua Tree, Big Sur, and Death Valley are all very much worth visiting, though I think a lot of Death Valley got hit hard by the hurricane a few weeks ago and might be closed for the next month or so. You could definitely combine one of those with a day or two in SF or LA though.
Anonymous
I agree with the advice if you are worried enough about this to ask, you probably wouldn’t enjoy your visit there.
I would suggest Vancouver instead.
Anon
I would do 2 days in SF, Muir Woods + beach (you have to see the Pacific while you’re here) and then wine country. SF is definitely know your neighborhood, but you can crowdsource areas to keep it safe.
Anonymous
We visited Seattle in July and it felt safe. We are used to traveling in big cities and took normal big city precautions, but it honestly felt safer than my mid-size (though honestly kind of violent) city. The streets were clean and there was only one area where we saw a “tent city” of homeless people. The Taylor Swift concert was also in town so I wasn’t sure if Seattle was always that clean or if they cleaned up for that event. The streets literally smelled like bleach.
Anon
Try San Diego instead.
Anon
I like Seattle best out of these 3 cities. I did not have any safety concerns or run into a large homeless population. Portland felt… gross to me. Large homeless population, lots of drugs, and the tourist area really isn’t that great. I have not been to SF recently, but even when we went about 10 years ago, I remember there being a homeless person on every corner. My dad gave a quarter to each person we passed and went through $50 of quarters. I don’t remember feeling unsafe though.
You can easily do Seattle and Portland in that amount of time and take the train between the two. I really liked Seattle as a city. There is also a lot to do around Seattle as well, which I have never done. Portland as a city I really did not like, but we really enjoyed our day trips to the Columbia River Gorge and to go wine tasting.
Girlonawireless
All three of these cities are fantastic and surrounded by natural beauty.
The horror stories about SF are overblown. I’ve lived here for years (left for Chicago for several years) and went to law school in the much-maligned Tenderloin about 20 years ago. It really doesn’t seem much different today than it was back then. It’s not a touristy area, unless you want to take a closer look at City Hall and REALLY like to look at courthouses. The downtown area is much less lively post-pandemic.
The Ferry Building is a jewel, and SF’s neighborhoods are still vibrant and varied. The stately hotels of Nob Hill — the Mark Hopkins and the Fairmont — are pricey but luxurious with stunning views. They’re also on the California Street cable car line.
You won’t go hungry in SF, and there are options for every type of cuisine and budget. I’d recommend getting a one-month subscription to the SF Chronicle for its food coverage if you choose to visit here. (The paper’s obsession with SF being in a “doom loop” will probably give you additional pause, given your inquiry in this post, but they’re just trying to sell papers.) As others have mentioned, day-trip possibilities abound: Berkeley and the East Bay, Mt. Tam, the ferry to Sausalito, redwoods, hiking or biking the Marin Headlands, and (of course) Sonoma and Napa wine country. I’m partial to Sonoma. A really cool mid century modern hotel in Santa Rosa is the Flamingo. If you or yours prefer beer to wine or just like both, Santa Rosa and environs have an abundance of craft breweries. Russian River has a strong following and very good “pub grub.”
Late Sept./early Oct. usually has the best weather in SF, but pack some warm layers because micro climates are real. Wine country will be much warmer during the summer and early fall, but mornings are cool and pleasant.
Don't leave anything in your rental car in SF
If you choose San Francisco, DO NOT leave A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G in your rental car for any amount of time. Go straight from the airport to the hotel with your bags. Do not stop for food, do not stop for gas. Do not stop until your bags are secured in your hotel room. Car burglaries are out of control in this city, and rental cars in particular are a huge target. It breaks my heart to read the daily posts from tourists on social media sites, begging for help getting their stolen bags back. You won’t get them back. And your presence in the car will not deter the armed thieves. Don’t leave anything at all in your rental car in the Bay Area, ever, ever, ever.
A
Seattle seemed fine to us. We spent a couple days in SFO but only the tourist areas and they seemed fine.
Anonymous
Help me settle a debate. The schedule for my daughter’s high school trip states that the group of a couple dozen kids will meet at the end of each evening in the teacher’s hotel room to plan for the next day. This is a huge red flag to me, and I can’t believe the school would allow it. My husband thinks it’s no big deal because it’s a large group.
I have traveled on business for years and have never once had a colleague in my hotel room or been in a colleague’s room. We always meet in the hotel lobby, restaurant, etc. When I was in high school, students were not allowed in anyone else’s hotel room on school trips and adults were not allowed in student rooms. Every non-school activity in which my daughter participates does not allow an adult to be alone with students (a second background-checked adult is required), even for carpools, and prohibits e-mail, texting, and social media contact between adults and students unless a parent is cc’d. All of my friends who teach or work with kids are very careful not to put themselves in any situation where there is even the slightest appearance of impropriety. One of my daughter’s coaches is my personal friend and the parent of my daughter’s best friend, and that coach won’t even contact my daughter directly about routine logistical things–they always text me, have their daughter talk to my daughter, or talk to her in person. That’s how seriously these things are taken nowadays. Of course teachers are alone with their classes at school, but that is in the school building and not a hotel.
I think the teacher is putting both his students and himself at risk by having kids meet in his hotel room and don’t want to let our daughter go on the trip. My husband thinks I am being an overprotective fuddy-duddy. Who’s right?
Anon
You are. This is majorly weird and awkward. First of all, what if someone arrives alone first or stays back for a second to chat? Then kids and teacher are all in an uncomfortable and inappropriate position. Secondly, no one wants to see the personal space (i.e. the BEDROOM) for someone else like this.
I used to travel for work a lot. As in, my coworkers and I would stay in a hotel together for literal months. I never saw the inside of anyone’s room who wasn’t at my exact level AND a friend outside of work. Which included literally 2 people. I did have to take some items to my male boss one time, and we chatted only briefly with me standing in the hall and him in the room with the door wide open. And we’re all grown adults. There’s no way kids should be put in this awkward situation.
Anon
I’m going to say that you are right. I can’t imagine having a couple of dozen kids all in the same hotel room anyway … there would barely be room to stand.
Vicky Austin
You are one thousand percent correct. Surely they can meet in the lobby, the breakfast area (arranging with the hotel staff), a meeting room, anywhere else. The hallway would be better!
Anon
I think you’re being overprotective. I would certainly not want my teenage daughter alone in a teacher’s room, especially a male teacher’s room, but if the entire class is there, I don’t see any issue. The room will be crowded and uncomfortable, but nothing inappropriate is going to be happening.
Fwiw I’ve been in hotel rooms plenty with colleagues, though typically same gender or more than two people were present. In Big Law as a junior associate we sometimes did late night trial stuff in a senior associate’s room. My husband is in academia and often hangs out in his colleagues’ hotel rooms and frequently even shares a room with a male colleague to save money (he funds his travel out of his own grants, so the less he spends on each trip, the more trips he can take). So I think you’re being a bit pearl-clutchy about that.
The one point that I agree with you on is that this is likely against school policy and the teacher may be putting himself at risk. But that’s his problem, not yours. I would have zero safety concerns about my child, and would absolutely let her go on the trip.
anon
It would depend on whether there are at least 2 adults in the room. One teacher, with 12 kids = no. Not appropriate. Another chaperone, plus the teacher, plus the kids? Probably OK, as they need to meet somewhere. Though I’d still argue there are better places to do that.
Cat
You are. Not because something would automatically “happen” but because it’s a weirdly personal place to meet and entirely unnecessary.
Cerulean
As a high school administrator, they’re probably trying to avoid a large group of teenagers annoying guests by hanging out in the lobby. Feel free to reach out to your school for more info about their travel protocols.
anon
Right. I would contact the school first before you cancel your kid’s trip.
Cerulean
Hit enter too soon! I would say this is really unusual and not a great setup for anyone. Ask for their protocols because they should have them (and if they don’t, yikes!).
Anonymous
Evidence again that I would have been a terrible parent. I don’t have any issue with this at all. If it were one-on-one, that would be different, of course. And I would just expect the teacher to wait to start the meeting/open the door until a nucleus of kids had gathered and to prop the door open until starting. But I would be so annoyed as an unaffiliated hotel guest if this meeting occurred every night in the lobby or God forbid in the hallway.
Anon
You wouldn’t be a terrible parent – I’m a mom and don’t see any issue with this as long as it’s a group and not a one-on-one meeting. And a high schooler is plenty old enough to understand the difference and why one is ok and the other not.
Cerulean
Yeah I don’t think it’s a huge deal *except* that it might indicate that the school either doesn’t have or hasn’t communicated clear expectations around travel and meeting with students. In any district I’ve worked in, this is a no no simply because the school wants to prevent even the slightest appearance of impropriety. But I think a lack of established rules about this would point to perhaps some disorganization or poorly communicated expectations with teachers, not actual bad behavior.
OP
Yeah, this is really my primary concern. If you can’t get this very very basic common-sense thing right, will this whole trip be a poorly planned nightmare? My daughter has been on a couple school trips before and absolutely did not enjoy the one that was not well planned and supervised.
Anon
Did you ask the teacher if he can move the location? This doesn’t strike me as a huge red flag so much as a “didn’t think about it”. I agree that they shouldn’t meet in his room, but there’s 24 kids in one hotel room – that doesn’t seem like an ick problem, that sounds like a “I lack foresight” problem. Just ask them to move it.
anonshmanon
Or ask for clarification who will be the other adult. If as you are describing, this is such a normal thing to avoid in your circles, maybe there is a plan that was just not spelled out on the schedule. Would one teacher even go on a trip with a couple dozen children and no other chaperones? That seems just so impractical.
Other than that – what kind of hotel room is this that so many people fit into? Just seems not like a practical idea. Some hallway is probably more workable. Most hotels won’t let you use a conference room without charging serious money.
On the ick factor – idk. It seems to me that you are reacting quite strongly, but maybe there were previous pink flags with this teacher, or incidents in your circles that are making you hyperaware.
OP
In middle school we had to move her to another club for her sport after one of the coaches was disciplined by the national federation for an inappropriate relationship with an athlete. I think that makes me aware more than hyper-aware.
anonshmanon
can’t blame you for that!
On second thought – are teachers in your district not alone with a class full of students during class? Or is there always an adult in the room during class? The only difference between this and class would be that it’s in the hotel room which is certainly odd, but actually would concern me more if I were the teacher here and be expected to let all those kids into the only sliver of privacy I have on what surely is a stressful week on the job. You may be onto something that this is just not well thought out and whoever did the planning is inexperienced – may not have implications on kids’ safety but on how overall enjoyable/utter chaos this trip will be.
OP
Part of it is that if the teacher didn’t think this through, where else is he dropping the ball?
Anonymous
I was assuming the teacher wanted to convince the school to spring for a suite and this is how he justified it.
Anonymous
It’s not great to teach teenage girls that it’s totally normal for a man in a position of authority to invite you back to his hotel room. Even if the school and the teacher are totally above board, this is a terrible lesson about appropriate boundaries in a school or professional setting. This is exactly the kind of thing that sets up young women to be abused by predatory men and to have no recourse, because “everyone knows” you don’t go back to a man’s hotel room unless you want something to happen.
oil in houston
this + 1000
Anonymous
You think the teacher is going to do a large group molestation? You’re being weird.
OP
Of course not. I think it’s going to make the kids uncomfortable to be sitting on the teacher’s bed for a meeting, and I think it will break down the barriers of formality that would make it easier for an inappropriate relationship to arise in the future. And I think it will send the wrong message about boundaries and professionalism to both the girls and the boys.
JHC
I shouldn’t have laughed out loud at this. But I did.
Anon
That’s not the only reason to think it’s odd to invite students into a teacher’s bedroom.
You’re being weird if you can’t understand why some people would think this is strange.
Anon
This is bizarre. It’s a huge safety and liability issue. Practically speaking it doesn’t make sense either. How can a couple dozen kids fit in a hotel room? Why can’t they gather in the lobby? Raise your concern with the school.
Anonymous
Having a long meeting in the lobby (or worse, the hallway) with two dozen boisterous teens is really rude to other guests, and conference rooms at hotels are normally not free. I would assume this is just for budget reasons.
I dunno, this isn’t weird to me. I don’t have teens but when I was in high school we were all in each others hotel rooms with no supervision, which seems worse.
Anon
I would be super annoyed if there were a couple dozen high school kids hanging out in the hallway outside my hotel room every night! Even in the lobby or breakfast room, I could imagine that they have gotten complaints, which is probably why they’re in the teacher’s room, unless they have the budget to book a conference room.
I do get that that it’s not a great look to have them in the teacher’s room, but with so many kids, it doesn’t actually seem sketchy, so I’d ask for a plan: will there be another teacher or chaperone there (there must be with that many kids!), or a strategy to make sure that the kids all come in and leave together, or a budget for a meeting room, etc.
Anonymous
Agreed. I think it’s rude for a group that large to meet in a public place unless you’ve specifically reserved it, and hotel conference rooms are not cheap. This seems like a budget-driven decision and isn’t weird to me.
The OP’s analogy to adult colleagues is off base because corporate employers typically have much bigger budgets than public schools, plus with colleagues you don’t usually have such a large group of people that need to talk for an extended period of time.
Anon
Okay – I feel kind of silly asking but I think I need tips from people who frequently make asks professionally – so like development or fund raising or sales…?
My 6th grader is in a school play and the teacher has asked everyone cast to do some fundraising by asking for sponsors for the program. The easy one is to have parents or grandparents or other close grown ups to buy a quarter page space to congratulate their kid for $25. They can also ask local businesses to sponsor a 1/4 page ad for $25 (1/2 page for $50, etc.) and my 6th grader is kind of keen on the idea of seeing if she can find local businesses to do this.
This is not something I’ve ever done before, and actually seems quite daunting to me, so I was wondering if people have tips or ideas or scripts that she can use and ideas for how I can support her as she does this. She is very excited about being in the school play (6th graders rarely get cast) so is willing to put in a bit of work. The teacher only really hopes that each kid can find 2 sponsors, which doesn’t seem unreasonable. Worse case scenario, I’ll buy a square and her grandparents will buy a square.
Anon
I think this is great! She’s willing to put herself out there, which is really nice.
I’ve done this kind of thing for various community groups. First, she needs to target only local businesses. Somewhere like Wal Mart has a whole fundraising arm and it’ll probably be too much to navigate. A place where the owners often work is the best bet because they can just say yes or no immediately. If she can think of places she especially love or places that would appeal specifically to people who will go to this play. Think about places like the restaurant next door to the venue or a local bookstore with a large children’s section or a vintage clothing shop.
I also always go in prepared with a little spiel about how many people will attend the event (she could say how many performances and how many people they anticipate in the audience) and something about the people most likely to attend (for me, it’s professional women, but for her maybe it’s community families or subscribers to the theater or whatever). Then some sort of personalized reason why I’m asking this particular business. Also make sure she’s prepared to know what the purchaser will need to send in for the program.
Prepare her that some people might say no, but that doesn’t mean anything about how she’s doing or their support of the play–it could just be that they’ve done all their donations for the year, etc.
Good luck!
Anonymous
In my observation you can only sell ads to local businesses where you already have a personal relationship with the business owner. The names on those ads usually end up matching the names of the kids in the program (mom’s law practice, grandma’s real estate brokerage, etc.).
Cat
+1 – this is where family, friends, or neighbors with small businesses come in.
Anonymous
Small little script – help her understand that the first person she sees at the business might not be the one she should deliver the entire sales pitch to. She needs a short intro saying that she’s in a play and she’s excited about the possibility of the community joining in to support it, and who would she talk to?
Signed, the person who often gets the entire (very long) breathless pitch before I have a chance to say I’m not the person to be talking with about it.
Anon
I’m a senior level fundraiser who actually hates things like this. Friends in random community groups ask me all the time for help and tips to sell ads for program books or sponsorships for school trips. The reality is that this isn’t a typical “professional” development activity. I don’t spend my days walking into random stores asking to buy ads in a transactional way. Fundraising is really about relationships, which take time to identify connections and build a relationship. I feel bad when people have to do this for their kids.
For this situation, +1 to asking family members or friends who have a business. You can also buy an ad even without a business. When I’m asked, I usually offer to buy a space myself and put “Congratulations GROUP, best wishes on your achivement, from MY NAME” or something similar.
anon
FWIW, I own a small very localized business that opened in the last year and just last week a school teacher (who I do not know) sent me their ad request for their program for their musical. While my marketing budget is super small I gave them $100 for the full page ad. The key things that stood out to me was that they shared how big the reach was (1000 people in the audience over three nights), the dates, and I knew easily how to sign up and where to get the ad/money to.
So my tips would be:
-focus on businesses that are locally owned (no chains) and would benefit from the general audience – so ice cream shops, local boutiques, small gyms/yoga studios, hair salons
-estimate how many people will see the program and have your 6th grader put that in their script
-be ready with what the process is for paying/submitting the ad. As a business I want to design my own ad and send it in – find out who this goes to, and be ready to tell the business.
I think this is so fun that your 6th grader wants to ask!
crash
great advice!
Disgusted at the human race
I need a place to vent. My husband and a coworker bet on a football game between their preferred teams and since my husband won, his coworker had to send him a delicacy from his city. Well, I opened the front door and there was a small box that said “perishable.” Thank god I didn’t open it but just told my husband to get it. The coworker sent my husband 4 live lobsters. I cannot believe the utter cruelty of shipping live animals in a box like that. Don’t get me started on how they are cooked. What if I didn’t bring the package in? They would have just been left to die a slow death. My day is ruined. Maybe I’m overreacting but sometimes I just hate people so much.
Humans are cruel. The end. Thanks for listening.
Roxie
Lobster cruelty makes you cry? Unclear how you get through any day considering the sheer cruelty small children and other humans face.
This is a bizarre reaction.
Disgusted at the human race
Being confronted with it so close to home (literally and figuratively) is different than just knowing about it in an abstract way. Of course I care more about people being cruel to other people (especially kids) but I can walk and chew gum at the same time. Any time there is yet another school shooting or child left to die in a hot car, it hits me hard, sometimes for days or weeks. Hopefully you don’t consider that a “bizarre reaction.” I’m not saying I can’t get out of bed.
Anon
I think that your lack of empathy is bizarre. Of course humans face cruelty, and people are able to get on with their days knowing that. But that doesn’t mean that animal cruelty is fine and shouldn’t make a person upset! I’d also have a terrible day if I saw a dog being abused right in front of me.
Whether I think this particular thing is abuse is another question, but the poster does, and it is a perfectly human emotion and reaction to feel sad about having something cruel happening to a living being on your porch!
OP– I don’t know if it makes you feel any better or not, but my boyfriend is a chef. He told me that he and most other non-psychos he knows do kill the lobsters very quickly and painlessly (as far as they know) BEFORE cooking them. I see below you’re a vegetarian, so the manner/timing of the killing might not matter to you, but I say this just in case it does.
Anon
I think the usual method chefs use ) is just to make the chefs feel better (lobsters have an entirely different kind of nervous systems from mammals or birds, so you can’t extrapolate from the “humane” methods for other creatures). I’m not sure if the other methods like chilling work better though.
Anon
It is possible to be compassionate toward both humans and animals and hold space for both.
Anon
Not only is it possible, but I would argue that caring about one should only encourage caring more about the other. Caring isn’t a zero sum game, but turning a blind eye toward suffering for the sake of one’s own benefit is a tendency that only grows over over time.
Anon
Are you vegan? I don’t eat lobsters myself because I think they’re cute, but I don’t see how this is crueler than eating cow or pig or anything else. Factory farm animals do not have a good life. At least the lobsters are happy and wild in the ocean until they’re caught.
Anon
I’m sorry this is so upsetting for you.
Yes, sadly lobsters are often shipped this way.
Maybe a little bit over-reacting, but I can understand why this is startling for you.
Anon
This would probably wig me out quite a lot. At the same time, I really doubt it’s any more cruel than the meat industry in general (if we’re talking just average grocery store meat), let alone pest control (roaches are smart, social, have long memories, and feel pain). I guess that just underscores that humans are cruel though!
I think it’s quite normal to ship live insects in boxes for use in gardening, farming, and landscaping (all contexts where we want them to arrive happy and healthy), so I’m not sure how harmful it usually is, though I understand your concern about checking the mail on time! I’m sorry you have to deal with this now (or that your husband does, which I hope he will do!).
Anon
Are you vegetarian? Because your reaction seems overblown if you eat animals of any kind. Lobsters spend most of their time in the dark on the seafloor. And, IMHO, they are delicious.
Disgusted at the human race
Yes, I am vegetarian, and I don’t think the deliciousness of an animal is a license to torture/eat them. I do eat dairy and egg products, so I recognize I am not blame-free here. But the cruelty of the lobster raising/cooking process is beyond the pale because it is so unnecessary. Just kill them humanely and cook them after and ship them freshly killed. Ugh.
Anon
You sound unhinged. Take some yoga?
Josie P
+1. I love lobsters!
Anon
Meat eater or not, unexpectedly receiving a live animal in the mail is bound to be jarring, but particularly so if one is not. This isn’t the sort of thing a gifter should send as a surprise.
Anonymous
+1. I eat seafood but I don’t handle it live, kill it, or clean it myself. I wouldn’t know what to do if a live lobster showed up on my doorstep. I would frantically be texting friends to see if anyone wanted to kill their own dinner so I could give it away.
Anon
Dang, Little Red Hen much?
Anonymous
I’m sorry.
That’s typically how lobster is shipped, though, unless they are killed and cooked first.
It’s no different than buying live lobsters from a grocery store.
Anonymous
If you’re vegan then I totally get where you’re coming from and I’m so sorry you had to witness that on your own doorstep.
But if you eat animal products, even as a vegetarian, then I think you should really examine this reaction. Have you seen the conditions of chickens, even the ones that just lay eggs? Or the way dairy cows are treated, nevermind that producing dairy means taking a baby away from its mother? Look I’m a carnivore but if you’re going to consume animal products then you should accept your role in the mistreatment of the animals who provide your food, not clutch your pearls about those “other people” (ahem farmers and laborers) who do the mistreating for you.
Anon
I mean yes, the way we treat animals that we eat is often really bad. I am vegan, so this would absolutely be a no go for me, but I can’t say I would let it ruin my day. That said, I’d not let then be killed alive (or at all) in my house, but that’s a discussion to be had with your husband.
Disgusted at the human race
Thanks. I told him he needed to get rid of them and I would not have them killed in our house. My preferred outcome would have been for him to either kill them as humanely as possible and then eat them, or else release them into the ocean or wherever, but what he actually ended up doing was giving them to our neighbor who will appreciate $100 worth of lobster. I’m trying not to think about what happened to them, and then I feel guilty for trying not to think about it.
Anon
I don’t think it is a generally good idea to release food animals if they weren’t live caught to begin with. (If they were farmed they may not be prepared to live in the wild or may even introduce some kind of parasite or infection.)
Anonymous
Yes, don’t release them! That’s crazy.
Anon
Gently, are you okay otherwise? Because this feels extremely disproportionate to the reality of the situation.
Anon
I eat meat and completely understand this reaction. It’s really jarring to see how lobsters are handled and it’s OK to care about that.
Anonymous
This is me. I love meat but I also care about animals being treated humanely and killed humanely.
Anon
We fish a lot, keep/eat some of what we catch, and have an entire method of fish handling/killing that is intended to minimize suffering and stress. I actually won’t eat lobster bc I’m not comfortable with how they’re treated. I don’t believe eating animals is wrong but I do believe unnecessary suffering is.
Anonymous
Unless you’re vegan it seems silly to be upset by this, cruelty is inherent to the consumption of animals and animal products.
That said my husband and I are both vegan and I’d be pissed if someone mailed us an animal.
Anon
Presumably, they were shipped with ice packs and are meant to survive in the box for many hours after landing on your doorstep.
I’ve been a vegetarian for over a quarter century, so I get it… but want to ask if you are upset by the lobster situation itself or meat-eating in general, and this hit home.
Anon
This is why I don’t eat meat and only purchase a very small amount of other animal products (wool, cat food, some leather, a very occasional egg or dairy product). I don’t think it’s inherently wrong to eat animals, but the way that we treat animals in our current agricultural system is appalling and I want to participate as little as reasonably possible. I do think it’s much worse to ship and store a live animal than to quickly kill it after living a decent, reasonably natural life (not that many of the animals we eat live those lives, but wild caught fish and free range cows can come fairly close), so it would be fair to be upset about this even if you do eat some meat.
Anon
For anyone who eats meat more often, there are people raising animals outside the norms of the current agriculture system who I believe deserve support. In some cases they’re also preserving valuable heritage breeds into the future (breeds that haven’t been specially bred for adaptations to the current agricultural system, which we will want to have around someday if reform ever happens). I know it is counterintuitive to vegetarians or people familiar with factory farming, but people raising animals for meat can care quite a lot about the animals they raise, their wellbeing, and their future through their descendants.
FP
I am from the coastal northeast, so I get that this is not the norm everywhere, but this would be a very appropriate gift as long as you knew the recipient ate seafood/shellfish. Shipping lobsters alive is normal. The faster/no pain way for cooking and killing is to do it before steaming or cooking. I’m sorry this upset you. This, to me, is no different than shipping someone Omaha Steaks or something like that – but I’m sorry you were upset, and happy your neighbor was around to receive them.
Anonymous
Same, I grew up in Maine but this is no different to me than sending someone steaks. Obviously not the right gift for a vegetarian, but I don’t get the outrage about it. It’s not inhumane to the lobsters.
Anon
Among surprise packages, live plural lobsters have to be in like, the top five most distressing things to receive. God Damn. Spooky insects snatched from the ocean, writhing around like they have been reanimated! Giant hard-shelled spiders with huge claws (I know they will be banded/not in chopping mode), and they are the color of slime and have eyeballs on antennas. I hope your husband knew what was coming; I would have nightmares.
Anon
I’m surprised at some of the reactions you got here. I eat meat but I would be distressed to get unexpected live lobsters – I don’t know how to prepare them, I have no desire to kill them, and I wouldn’t know how to keep them alive (it would feel terrible having them scratching around in a little box!). It would really freak me out and make me sais for the little critters. Even though I know this is how lobsters I’ve eaten in my life have been treated, it would bother me to suddenly have this imposed on my doorstep. And I do think it’s weird to not tell someone you’re shipping them a live animal and make sure they’re ok with it. This would have been a real problem and cruel where I live – it’s 100 degrees outside and no one is at home during the day!
anon
Pass on third-party fundraising. I just won’t do fundraising but I will happily write checks. A lot of the businesses I see in this kind of stuff are family businesses of the kids in The Thing (drama, back of little league shirts, etc) or are staple businesses in the community that are going to be hit up by everyone/someone so not where I want to spend energy.
I’d buy donate whatever you’re comfortable with – $25 or $50 and write a nice note in support your child and overall cast.
Plant websites
What is your favorite plant reference website?
I am an amateur gardener, and have enjoyed experimenting this summer planting some flowering perennials and vegetables. This fall I wanted to add some things to the garden before the winter freeze…. a lot of neighbors have given me plants. I don’t know much about what they have given me, so I wanted to look each one up to see what they need to thrive (ex. sun/shade/etc..), how big they grow, how to prune/transplant, how to best care for them over the winter freeze so they come back next year etc….
Do you have a favorite website you go to where you can look up each plant and get a wikipedia type summary of useful info?
I’m in Chicago, if that matters. Thanks!
joan wilder
I love the app Picture This. It isn’t free but worth the reasonable cost IMO. You upload a picture and it identifies the plant and gives you an information entry about it. It also has a feature where you upload a photo of your plant and it tells you what to do to solve problems (e.g. more water/less water/soil nutrients).
Anon
+1 I love this app, worth the $20 bucks annually!
Anon
Picture this is free! Just hit Cancel in the upper right corner instead of buying the Premium version.
Cb
Picture this app.
Anon
Park Seed Company – you can learn so much just by looking at their catalog.
Also love Sunset magazine and any of their garden books. Their website is less good/more junky since they were bought a few years ago.
Anonymous
I trust the stuff that comes up when I search for The Spruce, but I use TikTok for a lot of info re pinching, overwintering, etc. If you’re a newbie, the things I wish I’d known to pay attention to include a) bloom time (things often only bloom for one month, sometimes just a few weeks, then you’re left with whatever else the plant looks like – hate daffodils for this reason), and b) finished height, so you can organize things when you plant. sun/shade really matters too. I keep track of everything in my yard in an Airtable.
I just found this resource that looks great if you’re wondering what plants look like at different stages. https://garden.org/plants/
Anonymous
I use NCSU’s extension plant finder, which is local for me but is still useful if you aren’t in NC: https://plants.ces.ncsu.edu/
Some of the universities or large botanical gardens in your area may also have something similar on their websites.
Anonymous
For those of you who travel frequently by yourself – what are your best safety tips? I had a bad experience a few years ago and am a gunshy now.
Anon
I’m sorry you had a bad experience. I hope you aren’t blaming yourself! Was there actually anything you could have done differently, or was it just bad luck? I’ve traveled solo for 15+ years, and fortunately the only bad exprience was getting scammed by a gypsy driver who took me for a ride in a foreign country where I didn’t speak the language. However, I’ve been pick pocketed and had my car broken into in my own city. Bad luck can happen anywhere.
Anonymous
I have had more sketchy experiences in Uber than with any other type of travel. Taxis can also be sketchy so in most cities I feel safer on public transit. Don’t blindly trust any map app, especially for walking directions.
Anon
I travel domestically for a work a lot. When traveling solo, I almost always travel by car (taxi, uber, or lyft) even when it’s 4x as much as public transit. I share my location with my spouse when in the car. I also have a small, portable door lock that I take with me when I’m traveling. I often use my ugly, nylon travelon crossbody bag because it’s specially designed with safety features.
anon
Do you have a recommendation for the door lock? I recently had a scary experience traveling for work and might have to add this to my bag going forward.
+1 on the always traveling by car and sharing your location with someone who can help in a pinch, whether that’s a spouse or a nearby colleague. I would add that you follow the advice you would give a high school aged daughter: you don’t need a reason to say no to someone. If it feels off, just walk away.
Anon
Look up directions before walking outside. Walk confidently and with purpose. Go to the bathroom before getting seated at a restaurant so you don’t have to leave your drink unattended mid meal. Don’t tell your uber or cab driver that you’re a visitor. If the hotel receptionist announces your room number in front of other people ask them to assign you a new room and just write the number down. Use the door chain to make sure no one can enter your hotel room even with a key.
Anon
Most major hotels know not to do this, but if they say your room number out loud at checkin, immediately hand the key back and tell them that you need a room change. (If you feel uncomfortable just blame it on your company’s security policy). Similarly, don’t tell someone, even a friend, your room number when you’re in a public part of the hotel where you could be overheard.
When getting into an Uber, always check that the child lock is not enabled (you can see it in the door frame when the door is open). I’ve had safer and less sketchy drivers with the higher price tiers of Uber so I often just use that, but frankly I never really feel safe with a driver I don’t know so I rarely use Uber or Lyft.
Anon
The most sketchy experience I have had was at a U.S. Airbnb. My international solo travels have all been smooth sailing.
I think it would help to know more about your bad experience so we can provide more pointed suggestions
Runcible Spoon
Send a text or an email to a trusted friend or family member every day, just to let them know you are ok.