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Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
I’m working with a senior associate who always assigns me the most difficult argument to research and draft and then draft the rest of the brief herself. While I don’t mind it and usually succeed on the challenge, it gets a little annoying when the partner later attributes the case law and arguments that I came up with as her brilliant ideas, and she herself will talk about them as if she did it all. How do I deal with this? Maybe I should talk more directly with the partner about my ideas? This is a small team, just the three of us.
Anon
This seems pretty on par w being a junior assoc. It would be nice to get some credit for arguments but that won’t always happen.
Anonymous
Honestly no, this isn’t something OP should just accept. OP’s career depends on partners thinking well of her, she should make sure they know what she’s doing. Also – a good manager gives credit where credit’s due. Yes it is absolutely common to have terrible managers in law (or any industry?) but that’s just another challenge you’ll have to overcome if you want to succeed.
1. Start copying the partner on the research/draft you send SA.
2. Are you in the meetings where SA and partner are talking about the draft? If so, speak up! You should be participating substantively in these meetings. Always be prepared to ask a couple of questions or make a couple of points. “What did you think about my argument that llamas love lemons? I found some case law that suggests llamas love limes too but I didn’t include it here because it seems beside the point. Thoughts?”
3. Ask the partner for feedback on your sections. Asking for feedback is something juniors should be doing anyway – here, the added benefit is taking credit for your own work without stepping on SA’s toes.
OP
Thanks! This is super helpful.
Anon
Definitely speak up in meetings, but I would not copy the partner when you send your draft to the senior associate. At least at my BigLaw firm, that just doesnt happen, and most partners would probably be confused / annoyed to get that email, and almost certainly wouldn’t read it until the senior associate had reviewed.
It’s frustrating, but that’s often the role of a junior associate.
Anon
+1
RR
Yes, I’ve seen associates taken to task a number of times for copying me and the more senior partner. The more senior partner isn’t reading it until I do–and I’d prefer not to read it until a senior associate has. It’s inefficient.
I’d also caution that the senior associate is a big part of how the partners view you. What the partner thinks of you is often based upon what the senior associate thinks of you. So I’d be very careful in trying to end run the senior associate to get credit unless you fully understand all the dynamics. The senior associate may be saying very good things about you to the partner, and the dynamic may just be that the senior associate is expected to talk about all the issues (they are–they have to own the work product when it goes to the partner and be able to discuss it regardless of who wrote it).
Anonymous
As a senior partner–please do not copy senior partner on these types of emails. Instead strategize where you want to be and how you want to get there. Based on your post, you are both smart and competent, and perhaps covering for a less smart/ competent senior associate (that will be exposed over time–it always is). You have established value to the SA, and likely the partner. Continue to work hard, speak up, and look for opportunities to take on more of a leadership role. Your post doesn’t indicate what your experience level is vs. the SA. That could also be part of this. Unfortunately, this is an accepted and ingrained part of the law firm hierarchy–it’s not right–but it’s the way it’s done in a lot of places. You might also want to discuss directly with the SA, that you would like some feedback/ credit. You both have goals–she wants to make partner (as do you), although more immediately you want to advance to SA role. Perhaps based on your ability to work successfully together–you can both get to where you want to be by supporting and speaking up for one another. The environment is competitive, but it doesn’t mean you can’t work as a team. Every partner is looking for a go to person…it sounds like you are on the right track.
anon
+1
Jtapp
+100. As a senior partner, I would not appreciate being copied on that email. I expect that the version I see has been fully vetted by the senior associate/junior partner who was assigned the brief. We aren’t completely out of touch – we have a good sense of who is working on this – and will often ask for feedback from the senior associate on others’ work.
Anon
+1. What year are you? That is just kind of the role of junior associates. Although it would be nice if the senior associate mentioned your help, most don’t.
HR Attorney
That’s really frustrating. Do you have a review coming up soon? I would make sure to discuss your role in researching these arguments during a review with the partner on the team, so he is fully aware of your contributions.
Anon
Sadly this is pretty normal in Big Law. You will just look petty if you try to have a conversation with the partner about your contribution. All you can do is speak really intelligently about it, and hope that he realizes you know this stuff cold.
Anon
I’m a senior associate in a mid-size law firm, and have a couple of comments on this. I’m my boss’s right hand associate. The majority of his assignments come to me and are then delegated through me. He wants me to be the one reviewing jr. associates’ work and polishing it up before giving him the final product. He knows what I’m delegating and to whom, and if a junior associate has done a good job, I always tell him, “Jr. Associate wrote this part of the MSJ and I think she/he did a really good job.” The junior associated doesn’t necessarily know that we are having this conversation, but we are. This may also be happening in your case as well.
Also – maybe I’m biased on this because I am a senior associate, but if I have outlined all of the arguments we are making in our motion, telling you which arguments to focus on, and then overseeing your work, at least some of the credit IS attributable to me in that regard. I’m glad you were able to find good research and that you write well, but this is shared credit. (However, I do make sure the junior associates I work with are praised for their work, and I always tell them to come to me with any additional arguments if they think they have something good and then I credit them for their new arguments.)
Basically, this is the way things are, but it might not be as bad as you’re thinking it is. I’m sure (or at least hope!) the partner knows what you’re contributing.
Anon
+1 from another senior associate in biglaw.
Anon
Also, I want to add that I’m likely to be made an equity partner in the next two years. I will then 100%, absolutely advocate for the junior associates who I have worked with and who do good work. (Especially if I know I can count on you for understanding and drafting difficult arguments.) The senior associate in your case won’t be an associate forever either, and having a good relationship with her could end up being invaluable.
Cat
Totally co-sign this. It’s a win-win for the senior to compliment you — they are a “team player” and good in-between mentor that gets credit for managing you — AND you get kudos for doing good work. It may not be public kudos yet, but only jerky or short-sighted senior associates would pretend like you didn’t exist.
Anonymous
I agree with other responses that this is pretty par for the course. I don’t believe anything you say to this person will really change what they do though. There are people who understand a team effort and are “the face” of the team, but acknowledge behind the scenes who does what. There are fabulous leaders who are more open about who does what and giving credit. This person may get far in the short run, but not in the long run.
Tummy
I love Title 9’s dresses. I’m finding that they are cut very straight. So my tummy just pops out. I’m 5-4, 125#, and my tummy has expanded past a size M and the L is just too large overall (I’m pretty flat-chested, so the L looks tragic and deflated in the chest).
Are there any other brands that may be more eased through the stomach area for sporty/weekend wear?
Also: I haven’t had a kid recently (like 9 years ago). How is the tummy significantly larger than the rest of me? Is it some middle aged spread? If abs are made in the kitchen, I feel like I should have this down (but I don’t).
Anon
If you still have some abdominal separation, a physical therapist can help with that. Otherwise, core work – planks, side planks, kettlebell workouts.
Velma
Try Eddie Bauer, LL Bean, Athleta, Prana (some styles). My favorite casual summer dress is EB. I no longer buy Title 9–beyond the unforgiving middle, they are just too short! :-)
anon
Yep, I have a medium top and large hips, and I can’t wear Title 9 at all. I have better luck with Athleta, Prana, Toad & Co, and Aventura.
Anonymous
I mean, my tummy stuck out when I was 14, a competitive athlete, and like 110 lbs of muscle. The concept of a “flat stomach” has always been foreign to me. Unless you’re experiencing some sudden and alarming increase in size in that area (in which case, go to the doctor!), maybe just be a little kinder to yourself?
Anon
+1
I guarantee you don’t have a giant stomach if you weight 125 lbs. Relax.
Anonymous
Let me rephrase: It’s not a giant stomach, it’s just large relative to the rest of me and some brands are cut too straight to fall well over my tummy area. I had this problem with nursing tops, which are already cut generously, so it’s just how I’m built now. So I’d like recommendations on brands cut more roomy in the tummy, because sizing up doesn’t work when you are flatchested because you just have a fit problem elsewhere in the garment.
Anonymous
I am plenty kind to myself. I do not think that that is inconsistent with looking for other brands that may fit me better off the rack. I just want to dress the body I have, not the body that these patternmakers were expecting.
PolyD
Weirdly, I have found Loft Outlet swing dresses to be good for smaller top/slightly bigger belly. I’m not quite 5’4″ and find them long enough for me (just slightly above the knee), too.
In the spirit of dressing the body you have. No other swing dresses ever worked on me, including from regular Loft, but I have 2 from Loft Outlet that I really like for summer. I’m suggesting these because they are casual, although not quite as sporty as Title9, etc.
Anonymous
I think sometimes if you can’t wear what you want and feel comfortable, you just need to reframe what you like to wear. I have a flat stomach, but am bottom heavy and can’t wear most of the dresses you mention because the skirts either don’t fit at all or poof out in a way I don’t like. So separates it is.
anon at 10:42
Solidarity as I have the same problem and nearly the same numbers as you. I’ve had luck with some styles of prana and marmot. T-shirt dresses from Gap and old navy flatter me the best.
If you have any recs for loose fitting simple t-shirts, I’m all ears!
anon
First, solidarity, but no advice. My stomach has been proportionately too large for a while (years) and I’ve never had a kid. Blah.
Second, it may be bloating. I didn’t realize how much of my stomach “weight” was water weight and after-meal bloating–I thought I was just gaining weight and that’s where it went. I changed my diet pretty drastically (in a good way–I’m working with a nutritionist) and now recognize that it was largely bloating, not just fat! So, it’s totally not answering your question, but maybe look into it from that angle.
DVF wraps: we are never ever ever getting back together
I wanted this to work. It is self-unwrapping. There is too much fabric in the bust (for me). Wrapping it tighter just makes the bottom too tight. There is not enough fashion tape in this world. And I live somewhere that has (unremarkably) wind. Fooey, as Ellen would say.
We are done.
You look great in the mirror. The minute I try to move around / drive a car / hail a cab, all bets are off. No way in h*ll could I do something like put my wheelie bag into an overhead bin w/o fearing a wardrobe malfunction.
Done.
Anon
Well said. I have too much b00b and too little patience for true wrap dresses or tops.
Hear hear
I am so glad you said this. I too cannot wear a wrap top or dress. My hips are big and my waist is short and my chest is small and the wrap tie thing just isn’t holding it all in there and then the top slides around and WTH.
Yeah, I’m moving on. Asymetrical, ok. Some fake wraps, ok. But real wraps with a chance my b r a shows? H E double hockey sticks no
Anonymous
Have you tried the Ann Taylor ones? I find the fit better and price is obviously a fraction. I always have to wear camis under… and recommend Spanx under too to avoid wardrobe malfunctions. But I find the fabric heavier so it’s less likely.
PolyD
Ann Taylor has faux-wrap styles that I like. The top looks like a wrap, but bottom is regular. The top’s wrap belt ties at the side and creates a nice ruching effect. I do need to pin the top closed, but just one safety pin and it’s good.
I have narrow-ish shoulders, 32d/dd breasts, am a bit short-waisted, and carry weight in my hips and thighs. Real wrap dresses DO NOT work!!
Anonymous
If you’re interested in a faux wrap that you won’t have to pin closed on top, check out the ‘Ruby’ style by Karina Dresses. They have more coverage on top.
Anony
Totally off topic but what happened to Ellen?? I’m recently back lurking after a 6 month hiatus…
Anon
She’s still here. They just don’t let her out of m0d until the thread is done for the day. I’ve gone back to threads a day or two later and seen posts from her.
Anonanonanon
#FreeEllen I want her out of mod!
Lots to Learn
I’m so glad she’s gone. Her posts aren’t funny and are just a waste of time…
Ses
+1 #freeEllen
Anonymous
I love me a good faux wrap dress. When a breeze kicks open the skirt but I’m free to continue on with my life and not clutch at my skirt… it’s the best feeling. Take that, wind!
Anonome
It was 43 degrees this morning, and my winter wardrobe is looking shabby. Show me cute sweaters you’ve bought recently, so I can shamelessly copy you.
FormerlyPhilly
+1,000,000
Anon
I’m jealous. It’s 90 in my part of the Midwest and I’m OVER IT. I’m so ready for fall, especially fall clothing.
anon
SAME. So very over it.
Anon
Our Septembers were brutally hot both last year and this year. Hotter than August, even. I suspect this is the new normal going forward because of climate change but I haaaaaate it. I don’t mind the heat in July and August but once Labor Day weekend is behind us I just want to curl up in sweaters with a hot beverage. Last year we went from 90 in late September to snow in early October, with literally no fall. It was terrible.
Anonymous
Agreed! I can’t wait to wear sweaters and jackets! Sadly, I don’t think that will happen until October here. To the OP, oddly Ann Taylor has bee a good source for fall clothes that I hoe to get to wear soon.
NOLA
It’s not even remotely cold enough here yet, but I already bought this sweater and it’s both cute and cozy: https://www.freepeople.com/shop/cozy-cashmere-turtleneck-sweater/?adpos=1o1&color=016&countryCode=US&creative=192304694548&device=c&gclid=CjwKCAjw8ZHsBRA6EiwA7hw_sQNe9I1qlAJ-OpXK8-t0NsAZN9Am6l0S5kZT_IUnqWhMmAl_y4Zv6BoCXIQQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds&inventoryCountry=US&matchtype=&mrkgadid=3204916664&mrkgcl=720&network=g&product_id=48633713&size=L&utm_content=Tops&utm_term=48633713
NOLA
In mod, but the Free People Cozy Cashmere Turtleneck.
HR Attorney
Haven’t bought this yet but this looks cute: https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=449073032&cid=60790&pcid=20408&vid=1&grid=pds_17_130_1#pdp-page-content
anon
Cute style, but I have not had good luck with old navy sweaters and knits. They seem to look very shabby after a few wears and washes.
Anonymous
I recently bought this sweater in several colors and I was very pleasantly surprised by the quality and feel of the material. I have been skeptical of the BR outlet quality in the past, but basic sweaters are a mainstay in my wardrobe so I stock up each season: https://bananarepublicfactory.gapfactory.com/browse/product.do?cid=1079673&pcid=1045210&vid=1&pid=422742131
I paid a little less than this, but it is still a steal as a machine washable fall workhorse that works for my business casual office or for the weekend with jeans.
anne-on
Looking seriously at this one:
https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/french-connection-mozart-popcorn-sweater/5390752?siteid=.2nGiS3mv0Y-5HzrbVu1HmQQjNayPq75TQ&utm_source=rakuten&utm_medium=affiliate&utm_campaign=*2nGiS3mv0Y&utm_content=1&utm_term=688428&utm_channel=affiliate_ret_p&sp_source=rakuten&sp_campaign=*2nGiS3mv0Y
pugsnbourbon
Oh that’s so fun!
Anon
Banana Republic silk cashmere crew neck. I have like 12 of them. They’re my winter uniform.
Anon
I’m same-staking this entire look (in the green) for my business casual work look
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/4246530
I’m in California so I can’t really say I need a lot of wool sweaters, but I love wool, and the largest wall of my office is an exterior plate glass window which actually gets quite chilly. That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.
Anon
* Sale stalking
lsw
53 in the morning and 83 in the afternoon in Pittsburgh, so I’m still just looking at my sweaters, but I can’t wait to wear the Arianna sweater from Boden that I got in the NAS. It’s on sale right now online at Boden, I think. I don’t usually like fancy sleeves but this sweater is just so comfy and great.
I also got the Caslon Side Button Cotton Sweater from Nordstrom that I have worn a few times. It’s a great goldenrod color, and an open knit so I’ve been able to wear it already on cooler nights.
I like a few of the Lands End drifter sweaters this year. I love all cotton sweaters, which all three of these options are.
Anon
Cries in South Texas. It’s like 90% humidity and 90 degrees here. I long for winter.
HR Attorney
Any other mommas experimenting with sobriety? I have two kids under 4, so I found alcohol (wine especially) increasingly occupied my free time, to the point where grew uncomfortable with it. I’m experimenting with sobriety, and documenting my experiences on the glowing momma dot com. It’s amazing what a central role alcohol plays in our society, especially with mommy culture. Does anyone know of any other good sober blogs/resources (other than therapy, already doing that one). Thanks!
Veronica Mars
Are you the same poster as sober vegan mom?
HR Attorney
Yep, changed the name, partially upon advice from the ladies here that the old name was too polarizing.
Anonymous
Not really, and my kids are older (but close in age, so I’ve been there). My metabolism has slowed and my gym attendance is down. Alcohol to me is now just another source of empty calories to ditch and not consume mindlessly (ditto: brownies, Fritos), esp. in front of the TV. I do have at least a weekly drink, often on a weekend when I am out someplace or have people over, but it is something contemplated and very much what I want (a whiskey sour if I’m out somewhere, a beer at a hockey game, a nice glass of wine).
anon
Yeah, alcohol is definitely a once-a-week, highly mindful treat for me. If I let myself indulge every time I felt stressed, I could see a problem developing very quickly. In general, my litmus test is: Am I feeling happy and balanced? Then yes, I will have a nice glass of wine or a craft beer. Am I feeling depressed/stressed/angry? Then I need to step away, for my own sake. While I have not personally struggled with addiction, there is a history of alcoholism and problem drinking in my family, so I feel like it’s extra important to draw those hard lines for myself.
TBH, I used to make a lot of “mommy loves wine” jokes, but I don’t anymore. For awhile, it was a way to blow off steam but I agree that mommy wine culture has become maaaybe a little more problematic. I’m kind of shocked by how much (and how often) some of my mom friends drink. No judgment, other than being worried about their health and stress levels in general.
anne-on
Btw – I really like your litmus test! I’ll adopt that. I’m cutting down/out alcohol also for calorie/performance reasons (having a sluggish start to the morning on the weekends makes me less likely to go to the gym/etc.). Making it a mindful indulgence and subbing in seltzer/shrubs/fun teas has helped already.
Ribena
I also have a litmus test like that – I never drink unless I’m already feeling good. (Alternatively: never drink ‘to feel better’)
Anon
Yep, another person here who only drinks when I’m feeling happy/relaxed/celebratory. There’s a lot of alcoholism in my family, so I never wanted it to be something I turned to when I was feeling sad or stressed.
Anon.
Same, except no history of alcoholism in my family. I just find that alcohol magnifies whatever mood I’m already in: Happy/Sad/Angry etc.
Anon
I’m sober and a mom. I quit drinking when I was 25 and most of my friends (me included) were still unmarried, childless and doing the bar thing every weekend, so it changed my social life a lot. A few close friends stuck by me, but I realized that most of my friendships weren’t any deeper than the nights out (I was happy to go to bars and drink a mocktail, but a lot of people weren’t comfortable with that). I think people here tend to be really flippant about it and say sobriety shouldn’t change your life at all, but I think there’s a big difference between a light drinker who is nursing a glass of white wine all night or passing on drinking that night because they have an early morning and someone who is fully sober and never accepts alcohol. The former is welcome at parties and bar nights; the latter is not.
I’m a mom now and feel like not drinking doesn’t impede my social life as much, mostly because I don’t have much of a social life. I work full time, am an introvert who needs a lot of alone time, and want to spend a lot of time with my husband and kid, so it doesn’t leave much time for socializing. I’m friendly with other moms but primarily interact with them at school events or on the playground where alcohol isn’t being served. Our neighborhood has a mom’s wine club but even if I drank wine, I don’t think I’d have the time or inclination to join it, so I don’t really feel like I’m missing out by being sober. I could see how it would be really hard for a more extroverted mom though!
HR Attorney
A few close friends stuck by me, but I realized that most of my friendships weren’t any deeper than the nights out (I was happy to go to bars and drink a mocktail, but a lot of people weren’t comfortable with that).
THIS. I guess I’m feeling very lonely/isolated now with this new lifestyle choice and I didn’t expect that. It’s nice to hear that I’m not the only one!
BeenThatGuy
I’m sober and a mom of an 11 year old. I no longer explain to other mom’s (or anyone) why I don’t drink; they aren’t relevant to my life so I keep that private. It doesn’t stop me from socializing, when I choose. And it certainly doesn’t stop them from enjoying their booze.
Anon
I drink and can’t imagine being bothered by someone else not drinking, unless they were judging me. That’s sad.
Anon
While this is definitely a worthwhile things to discuss, I think the fact that this is the second (at least) time that you’re posting here with a mention of your blog makes it seem like you are just trying to plug your blog.
Veronica Mars
Agree.
Anon
Agree.
Also, terms like “mommy culture” irritate me. Find a different group of friends or get off the dmn Internet that tells you “mommies” need wine.
Anon
I get that the term “mommy” is cloying, but mom wine culture is definitely a thing. It’s not just an Internet thing and it’s really not as simple as “find a different group of friends.” Almost all the mothers I know drink a lot of wine and love to talk about how much they need their wine.
PolyD
That sounds pretty boring. I mean, there is always wine at my book club meetings, but we talk about the books. And I have a couple of friends who, like me, enjoy seeking out bars that make intricate cocktails, but if we have 2 in one night, that’s a lot. I actually like learning and talking about the history of cocktails, obscure liquors, how to combine different flavors, that sort of thing, similar to how one might discuss intricate desserts. But talking about how much one NEEDS a drink all the time, or conversely, why one isn’t drinking beyond a simple, No thanks, have to get up early/not in the mood/would rather have ice cream, that gets boring too.
I think this whole “mommy wine culture” and “sober mommy” thing annoys me, a childless-by-choice-woman, because it’s just a whole other sledgehammer for “mommies” to beat childless women with – Oh, you just can’t understand how hard it is to be sober if you are not a mommy!!
I may be a little cranky today.
Anon
Maybe it’s my group, but the mothers I am close to (and I’m expecting) are not like that at all. A lot of them are training for marathons and don’t spend their nights downing a bottle of wine when they are up at 5 am to run 10 miles.
Then again, I’ve kind of “over” the kind of people who “need their wine” on a regular basis. It kind of hit me the other day – I know two women who are both moms and high school teachers, both married to husbands whose jobs have them home by dinner and earn enough to have them in some seriously swank houses, and… one thinks she won life’s lottery and one complains literally every single day how haaard it is. It’s like – do you need your wine or do you need your whine?
anon
Thank you, Poly D. I couldn’t pin down why I didn’t like the “vegan mommy” or “sober mommy” pitch but you hit it spot on. Life is hard sometimes for all of us, not just the moms.
Anonymous
I don’t think wanting to talk about one challenging aspect of parenting implies that non-moms don’t have their own challenges or that life isn’t hard at times for everyone.
Anon
Agree, PolyD. You said it better than I did. It’s just obnoxious.
Nah
Hard disagree there, PolyD– I am also childless by choice, and part of why I made that choice is the difficulty I’ve seen experienced by my friends with kids. In no way do I think they are, as you put it, trying to “beat childless women” with the experiences they have in parenting. The fact is it’s tough to be a parent. That’s why I didn’t want to be one. So I don’t think it’s fair to say they’re not entitled to discuss their own challenges. Not everything is about me.
anon
Agree with PolyD, et al, that it can get obnoxious really fast, especially when it veers into Mommy Martyr territory. My charitable interpretation is that sometimes women just say it to relate. It’s a culturally accepted, easy way to express, “hey, I’m feeling stressed, I bet you are too, let’s acknowledge what we’re going through.” I do think people should do better, tho. I’d love to actually have a meaningful convo about what’s going on your life rather than just have you say, “OMG WINE, STAT!” and then move on.
Anon
Nah, I get what you are driving at, but there are a lot of women out there who act like being an upper-middle class suburban mom with a creative or part-time job is the Most Stressful Thing Ever.
These women – who I can no longer tolerate – complain more than the mothers of special-needs children, the lawyers doing doc review and wondering how they will pay down $200k of law school debt, the infertile couples who have gone through hell, the people with abusive family, the friend whose parents disowned him, the friend whose husband cheated on her in her own house, the friend whose sister was in a coma for six months before she died, the friend who got pancreatic cancer – because OH EM GEE WHY DON’T YOU EVER UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS. (All of these are real examples from friends from the past few years.)
Eventually, it’s like… there’s just a lack of perspective and a level of self-absorption that is hard to deal with.
Anon
I’m cool with it. Seems you are a long time reader and if you are starting a blog, I’d like to support you. last time you were crowd sourcing names so not yet plugging a URL. Getting a few readers from a place you already visit isn’t a bad thing in my book.
Anon
I’m not a mom, but similar in that I’ve gotten uncomfortable with how much beer was occupying my free time. I’ve found r/stopdrinking to be just the right level of sharing/support for me, and there are a surprising number of women on there.
HR Attorney
Thank you. I’ll have to check this out!
Anonymous
Why are you making it such a big deal? I am a mom. Alcohol makes me feel gross. I rarely drink it. It is no big deal and certainly not something a person could fill a blog about. Unless you were an alcoholic before (for which I have zero judgment), not drinking just isn’t the big deal you’re making it out to be.
Anonymous
She was. If you’re getting blackout drunk all the time, can’t remember most parties, and spend your days thinking about not drinking only to do shots of your husbands whiskey in secret, your problem isn’t mommy wine culture it’s alcoholism. And I fully fully support tackling that! But you don’t need to demonize the fact that many of us really enjoy one nightly glass of wine without becoming addicted.
Anon
She’s not demonizing anything. She’s talking about her own sobriety and her efforts to fit in with people who drink regularly, which can be really difficult when you’re sober.
AFT
+1 this. I think this has more to do with personal preferences and/or an alcohol problem. If you are choosing to stop drinking because that’s what you need, then good for you! But I feel like the “sober mom” thing as a response to “wine mom culture” is just the newest battle in the mommy wars.
Anon
Yep, lots of folks can. I’ve found that increasingly, I can’t. You do you.
Reading accounts of others who are similarly situated was helpful for me to realize what I need to do and what works for me. I’m not not-drinking *at* you.
Anon
“I’m not not-drinking *at* you.”
No disagreement, but what a lot of recently-sober people struggle to understand is that many of us don’t have an emotional relationship with alcohol. For you, drinking is emotional (a need); not drinking is a struggle (a commendable one); for us, we can take alcohol or leave it, which makes it hard to relate to people who need to be emotional about it.
Anon
I’m not emotional about it. I don’t even bring it up nor do I expect/need/want to be commended. I’m just having a Diet Coke. It shouldn’t be anything to attract a comment, but for some reason it is.
Ever get a new haircut/lose weight/get a new outfit and everyone has an opinion about it, even though you never brought it up? That’s what being the (now former) drinker who never publicly crashed and burned is like. It’s also why I haven’t told anyone IRL.
busybee
Anon at 12:59, you’re right in that everyone has an opinion on other people’s drinking. When I was in early pregnancy, I obviously wasn’t drinking (but wasn’t obviously pregnant) and people would NOT stop giving me a hard time about it. I got fed up at one person in particular and snapped WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH?! She didn’t really have an answer and I’m glad I made her uncomfortable. People are so nosy when it comes to other people’s drinking, and I suspect it’s because they have subconscious issues with their own drinking.
Anon
@Anon at 12:29 – I quit drinking and am not emotional about it, nor is it at all difficult for me to not drink (I don’t even like the taste of alcohol at this point). What’s hard is that people feel entitled to comment. I would never comment on my friends’ diet or exercise choices, except to tell them they look great, and I don’t know why my drinking habits are up for discussion.
Anonymous
I’m glad you’re enjoying this journey. I find it off putting because the problem isn’t that alcohol is around- plenty of us don’t find all birthday party memories hazy. We don’t allfrequently black out or find ourselves unable to stop drinking.
This whole sobriety as a lifestyle choice just strikes me as a way of avoiding admitting you’re an alcoholic, and minimizing alcoholism. And I don’t like it. Sobriety isn’t some new concept, AA’s been doing it for a long time now.
CPA Lady
I’m sober and a mom. I straight up had a problem though. I am not “experimenting” with sobriety because I’m pretty sure that if I ever start drinking again I’m going to have to go to rehab to be able to quit again.
When I quit I was not drinking a huge quantity and was very functional, but my behavior was sending up all kinds of red flags internally. I had to drink every day. I had all these arbitrary rules I made up for myself to try to cut back. That never lasted more than a week or two. It was really stressful. I didn’t have any kind of big dramatic rock bottom, I just decided that I was sick of feeling awful and hating myself and being constantly stressed about drinking, not drinking, thinking about drinking, comparing my drinking to my peers, feeling really anxious about forcing myself to moderate in front of people, etc. It was really weird to quit and to exist for the first time as a sober person in mommy wine/craft cocktail/rose all day culture, but has also been an enormous burden lifted. I’m used to it now, and socialize with my drinking friends without it being a problem.
I’ve used a variety of resources since I quit.
Podcasts:
Under the Skin w Russell Brand
Spiritualish
HOME Podcast
The Bubble Hour
She Recovers
Books:
Bottled by Dana Bowman (good for moms of small kids)
This Na ked Mind by Annie Grace
Recovery by Russell Brand
Tons of other quit lit.
I really like Holly Whitaker and Laura McKowen’s websites.
There are a lot of good sobriety accounts on instagram too, including ones that focus on hilarious sobriety memes, which was not a thing I knew existed until recently.
I also go to meetings, did the 12 steps, and have a sponsee. I was 100% NOT going to do this, but about four months in I got really bored and lonely and decided to join a group setting. There are plenty of problems with AA, but I found a women’s group to join and really like a lot about it in a way I was not expecting to.
Anon
Good for you! Congrats on your sobriety.
Anon
Your story reminds me so much of my ex-husband. If only he had your insight. I hope someday he will, for the sake of our child.
Anon
Thank you for posting this. You are an amazing mom/woman!
Sarabeth
I’m not strictly sober, but I now only drink on truly special social occasions (once/month or so). For me, it’s about the physical impact. I find that after even 2 glasses of wine, I sleep poorly and am tired the next day. My partner has never been much of a drinker, so it’s been easy to cut it out entirely at home. Slightly more challenging to be disciplined about turning down the beer when we’re hanging out with neighbors in the evening, but definitely worth it the next day.
Anon
I worry about sobriety all the time but mainly because my mom had a drinking problem so every time I drink I get paranoid. My sister is the same way.
I used to have a glass of wine while cooking dinner most nights to destress. It was a ritual. I looked forward to opening the fridge door and grabbing that ice cold bottle of sauvignon bland and pouring a glass. Even typing that makes me want to do it. It was a signifier to me that the work day was over and I could relax.
But I ended up quitting the habit. I just didn’t want to be locked into doing something every day like that. It also gave me heartburn.
So now I mainly drink socially, but it can really add up. I just attended a conference where the drinks culture is big. The first night the official event drinking started at a 3pm welcome reception, and didn’t end until after 10 (I left them at 10, they kept going) and the second night started with the event’s cocktail reception at 5, a subgroup dinner with cocktails and then wine, a bar on the walk back to the hotel, and a vendor-hosted open bar at the hotel. I left them around 11 and it was still going. I work in a male dominated industry and they all seem to think this is completely normal.
When I get back from things like this, I don’t feel like drinking for a couple of weeks!
anne-on
+1. The culture of drinking AT WORK for me is much more prevalent than with any of the moms/people we socialize with. My old team were some seriously hard drinkers to the point where missing morning meetings/being super hungover/stepping out to be ill was common. I hated it, and hated that I ‘kept up’ when I was newer/younger. I also find that there is much more of a prevalence of health consciousness/switching to seltzer after the first drink or two as opposed to 10 or even 5 years ago. Too many men in their 40’s seeing their bosses in their 50’s having fatal heart attacks will do that I guess….
Anon
I have a question for the people who have reported that it’s really hard not to drink when others are drinking and that they don’t want to appear like they’re not drinking to others. Why is that exactly? I’m curious because in my own experience, no one has cared at all if I’m not drinking. If they ask, I’ll just say “I don’t feel like it tonight” or something and no one has ever pressed me. I wonder if it’s possible that people reporting this problem are reading more into it than there really is?
Anon
ETA: I also don’t really care if anyone else has some kind of issue with it and I don’t have any problem brushing someone off if needed. Their problem, not mine.
Anonymous
This is puzzling to me too as it’s never happened to me either – the judgement or discomfort if I’m not drinking. It seems like someone is always on a “cleanse” or on Whole 30 or on a new medication or (as someone mentioned upthread) training for a marathon or century ride. And so if I get together with people and one of us isn’t drinking (and sometimes that person is me), it’s not really commented on or discussed. I think actually we would look askance at someone who needled another person about not drinking – that would be seen as rude or inappropriate. But, in the crowd I hang around with, people don’t get drunk, either. Two drinks is usually the limit for anyone. I have a mix of mom friends and non-mom friends but even the moms aren’t into “mommy wine culture” or whatever. We all seem to prioritize being present and drinking responsibly so we can deal with our myriad life responsibilities. I don’t think we’re the only people in the world like this.
anne-on
There was an interesting story (from where I can’t recall) that stated that alcohol consumption is VERY situational and culturally driven. Basically that a significant portion of the US drinks not at all, or very little, but that those who DO drink tend to drink much more heavily than the norm. Not shockingly, that behavior is also very prevalent in certain industries (media/advertising/finance/law) and in certain income brackets (remember the Downton Abbey episode when the butler marvels at the amount and variety of wine that is served with dinner). If you’re not part of those ‘cultures’ it can seem odd that anyone would remark on it, but within them it stands out as odd if you’re NOT drinking regularly.
Anon
I’m in finance and posted above about the conference culture. It’s crazy. I mean, I have fun at the time, but I need a serious detox when I get home.
I do find it important to participate in events like this. I have a lot of friends in the industry. That’s how I found the job I have now, and the two jobs I’m semi interviewing for at the moment.
There is absolutely pressure to drink. On the second night I spoke of, reception, dinner, bar, hotel bar, I declined a drink at the second bar and got a “you’re no fun!”
Anon
That’s interesting but I’m in a big drinking culture both professionally and personally and when I’m not drinking it’s rarely commented on it. I had a lot of angst when I was pregnant that everyone was going to know/make a big deal about it. But literally only one person did. And now I just drink a lot less by choice and I can’t remember the last time anyone commented on it
Anon
Booze is a huge component of running/cycling/triathlon and where I’ve received some of the most pressure to drink (ie, Why do you put all those extra miles in if not to make room for beer calories??, etc) I tend to avoid organized events in my city because of that now. It’s become much more prevalent than it was 10 or even 5 years ago.
Anon
I commented above at 9:33 about quitting alcohol at age 25.
In my case, I was open with friends that I was giving up alcohol completely. Perhaps that was a mistake, but I don’t think I could have gotten away with the “I’m not drinking tonight” for more than a couple of nights without raising questions. These were people I drank – fairly heavily (although I think not atypically for 20-somethings) – with several times per week, they would have asked what was up when I suddenly stopped. I suppose I could have made up a lie like “on a medication that’s not compatible with alcohol” but even that would probably not have lasted more than a few weeks, and I didn’t feel like I should have to lie to people I thought were friends.
I just stopped getting invited to stuff. Most people made excuses, but at least a couple people had the courage to tell me to my face that they didn’t like hanging out with sober people while they were drunk, and they couldn’t have me at bar nights and wine-focused girls nights in because they thought I’d be secretly judging them. I never said anything judgy, just that I was giving up alcohol because I felt like I didn’t like some of the decisions I made when drinking, am personally not good at doing things in moderation and thought it would be healthier for me to stop completely. Maybe they interpreted that as judging their decisions too or implying they were also unhealthy, but I really tried to make it clear that this was about me and my behavior and wanting to change myself, not anybody else. To be fair, these were college friends that I’d never really hung out without alcohol present and perhaps if we’d had an independent relationship through work or a running group or some other occasion where it would be normal to be sober, then we could have sustained the relationship.
Now when I meet people I usually just say I’m not a big drinker (even though I’m completely sober) because I’ve found that labeling yourself as sober is very off-putting to people, even if you don’t say anything about them or their habits at all. I don’t feel like the sober label is sanctimonious in the absence of other words or actions, but many people seem to feel it is.
Anon
It sounds very sanctimonious to me. “I don’t drink” is worlds away from “I’m sober.” I understand that people want to embrace a positive, but the distinction between people who and don’t drink isn’t the same as the distinction between people who are and are not sober.
Anon
Funny, my interpretation has always been the exact opposite! “I’m sober” to me has always meant someone made the personal choice, usually because their drinking had become a problem, and it in no way was a judgement on what other people do, whereas “I don’t drink” is frequently wrapped up in some sanctimonious implications (ie I don’t drink (and neither should you)). Very interesting and food for thought.
anon
Yeah, I very frequently get sparkling water at happy hour because I’m doing an evening workout and nobody comments.
Anonymous
I get what you’re saying. I came from a college social circle that neverrrr pressured anyone to drink if they didn’t want to (some friends were not drinking for religious reasons, family reasons, etc.). I guess we were just a generally liberal, understanding bunch.
But I was shocked when I got together with my ex boyfriend (first post college relationship), that it really wasn’t like that in his friend group. To them drinking was “the thing you did” and it was legitimately weird to them to see someone not drinking. I know this sounds problematic (and that along with other reasons was why I dumped him) but I swear this is a phenomena that exists in certain social circles where for lack of a better word people tend to be more “homogenous-minded” in their thinking and less aware that one’s personal choices really don’t affect another. To their credit, I think part of their discomfort was the fear that the sober person would judge them. Which I know isn’t realistic, but that’s where their heads were at.
Anon
For someone who is addicted to alcohol, I think it would be really hard to be around people enjoying a thing that you want to enjoy. I don’t have a hard time saying no to a drink, but I have a very hard time saying no to cookies. So when I’m trying to abstain and ALL my friends are eating dessert, it’s really hard to not eat it, and I tend not to want to go to the cupcake shop for an outing, for example.
As for the pressure– I have had your same experience that I haven’t really gotten comments about what’s in my glass when I choose not to drink (though I’m sure some people have wondered if I’m pregnant). But, I have a healthy relationship with alcohol. Some of my friends who struggle with this have said that they were surrounding themselves with people who may not have had a great relationship with drinking anyway, so pressuring others to drink feels normal. Maybe some of it is sensitivity, but I think some of it is the circle the person is in, as well.
Anonymous
So I have never really drank because I hate the taste of alcohol – I just could not learn to like it and decided it was silly to try. (I also hate coffee, even coffee ice cream, so am really kind of a freak). When I was in my 20s, this sometimes was difficult socially, but I had my son at 35. At this point in my life, I care less what other people think, and I’m used to feeling like a bit of an outsider for various reasons. My husband is actually something of a wine aficionado but doesn’t often keep wine or beer in the house anymore, probably partially because I can’t help him finish a bottle and partially for health reasons. Becoming a parent hasn’t made it any harder to not drink; although I find parenthood extremely stressful and difficult, drinking has just never been a way I could deal with stress.
anon
Any recommendations for work dress brands that flatter a boxy shape? I am busty but have narrow hips and sheath dresses make me look like a boy. I think sexier cuts might look normal/not-sexy on me for that reason?
Anonymous
I tried a flowy A line recently and belted it and it looked great. Search Ann Taylor Infinite Style floral cluster t-shirt shift dress and it will bring up the dress.
anon
So I have long resisted being the “office mom,” because it’s wrong and sucks, but I am sick and tired of the kitchenette on my office floor being disgusting. Seriously, I really wonder when the sink was last scrubbed down. I don’t know WHY our cleaning crew doesn’t do more than a cursory vacuum and sweep, but they don’t. I’ve been told that it’s “not in their contract.” Seriously, wtf. How much am I setting myself up for my resentment if I stealthily clean the kitchenette at least weekly? There are two senior managers on the floor – I am one of them – and a bunch of 20-somethings who definitely do not see this as a community duty.
Anonymous
Nope don’t do it
anon8
I don’t know why people are so gross in offices settings. I wonder if they are the same way at home. Also, WTF to the “not in their contract” statement. That is a very annoying situation you have to deal with.
But as much as you want to, I would not clean. You will feel resentful and you will be seen as the office mom, no matter how stealthy you are. As much as you can, just try to let it go. (Isn’t that the song from Frozen? I dunno, I haven’t seen the movie but now I have the song in my head)
Anon
If you are a manager, can you assign it as a duty to be rotated among junior staff?
Anonymous
Please don’t do this. I’ve been the junior staff with assigned cleaning duties, and it was frustrating and humiliating to be the only one who took my cleaning task seriously (plus then I had to stay late to make sure that client work and cleaning tasks got done). You’re just going to push the “office mom” role off on some unsuspecting junior staff person and not actually fix the problem going forward.
Anon
Then follow the advice given below to schedule a call with the cleaning company.
Point is, a senior manager has it within her power to handle this in a way that doesn’t involve her picking up a sponge.
As a final point, I deliberately said to rotate the tasks, such that there is no “office mom.” This is actually an incredibly common way of solving the “office mom” issues – every junior person has to go out to get the catering, every junior person has to clean up after a party, etc.
Anonymous
Wow, you’re defensive this morning! I’m glad that it would actually work out that way in your workplace. In my own workplaces, my experience has been that what you suggest does not work. What actually happens is that one or two junior people (often women) actually handle their tasks, while the others (often men) simply do not, and don’t face any consequences. But I’ve also never had a manager with enough time to babysit to make sure these tasks get done.
Anon
There’s no need to throw insults in what had been a civil conversation.
Anon
Don’t do it. I struggle with this too but you don’t want to be the office mom. The fridge in our office is DIGSUSTING but I try to ignore it. Maybe you can speak to the appropriate person (office manager? HR?) and see if they can send out an email reminder to everyone to clean up the kitchen.
Vicky Austin
If you have to ask, “will I feel resentment over this,” you already know, or such is true for me.
go for it
Do not clean the kitchenette. Period. They are grown ups.
Call the cleaning company, get the cost of the added service, then
email the powers that be to have it added to the department budget.
It is a health hazard.
anon
THIS. Do not take it on. Do. Not. Fix the problem but do not clean that kitchen yourself.
Senior Attorney
This. It’s insane that it’s not part of the contract and that is what needs to be fixed.
Aggie
+1
As senior manager, this is your job. Find a solution that does not involve you scrubbing a disgusting kitchen.
Anonymous
Don’t do it, and don’t use the kitchenette.
Anonymous
When I had this situation in my office I cleaned the kitchen and refrigerator and then sent an email to the whole floor with a schedule and asked each dept/person to take a week for 6 months out. Once the kitchen was cleaned once, people no longer saw it as so daunting because it wasn’t starting at super messy and everyone pitched in. Perhaps not the most common outcome, but it worked for me and it did not become my long-term responsibility. It was even noted in my review that I took initiative to be a leader in the office.
anon
You got lucky and I’m genuinely happy it worked out for you, but I think it is a terrible (terrible) idea for OP to clean the kitchen. Holy cr*p people, no! You have a cleaning company…this is what they are for!
Anonymous
I was the poster above– my company refused to pay the additional fee to the cleaning company to cover the sink, so the option was either to never use the kitchenette or otherwise make sure it was usable. Since I couldn’t afford to eat meals out everyday, I felt it was more important to take the risk of being the person who cleaned the kitchen than to never feel comfortable using it. I agree it is not the norm, but sometimes the culture of no one cleaning it is part of the problem.
anon
OP here — yeah, trust me when I say that the solution, culturally, is for someone (or multiple someones) to step up and do it. I work for a giant institution of higher learning; I cannot just call the cleaners and tell them to do better. My individual office doesn’t exactly get to dictate the terms of the contract. I mean, getting better cleaners is probably a long-term (time-consuming) solution, but it does not help me now, when the cleaning company has 2 years left on its contract.
Worry about yourself
You have two options:
– Assign them to someone. An intern, junior-level employee, admin assistant, etc.
– Create an incentive for someone to step up and do the thing. Maybe if someone does it X number of times they get a gift card to a local coffee shop or lunch spot, or maybe if you clean the kitchen you get to leave an hour early.
Simply expecting that someone, anyone (besides you) do it is not a good idea. Stepping up to lead by example is unlikely to work.
Anon
I’m a female senior manager (autocorrect is trying to change that to Señor which is entertaining me immensely) and I don’t clean the kitchen. I travel a lot so I couldn’t be relied upon to do it anyway.
However, I do notice when I’m there that a young junior level employee, female of course, is often cleaning it. I asked her what her job title was. She said systems analyst. I said “where does that say you’re supposed to clean up after your coworkers” and advised her not to get into the habit. Her response was “I don’t mind.”
I’m talking about the guys (and they’re all guys) leaving their coffee mugs and plates in the sink, and she’s loading them into the dishwasher, which is RIGHT NEXT to the sink. I also think she’s the only one who empties the dishwasher.
How can I help this young lady? She doesn’t report to me, nor do the slobs she’s cleaning up after.
Vicky Austin
I don’t know, but I feel you – my boss is our CFO and the only C-suite woman and is always, always the one who cleans up after the board meetings. I haaaaate it for her so much, but she just does it.
Worry about yourself
“You might not mind cleaning, but you will mind being taken for granted and pigeonholed as the office maid. Do you want to be known for your kickass technical skills, or do you want to be known as the nice girl who always cleans up after people?” Maybe explain to her that no matter what her actual job is, the second she takes on helpful tasks like this, people will start to mistake her for a secretary and ask her to do similar tasks.
Anon
This.
Anon
Don’t do it and stop using the kitchenette completely. Out of sight, out of mind for you.
anon
I just bring a lunchbox with a frozen blue ice piece to avoid using the refrigerator and sink. Occasionally I use the microwave and put a paper towel on the turn table. I put the lids back on dirty dishes and deal with it at home.
Coach Laura
I’ve worked at many places where the admin staff (majority female, of course unfortunately) clean the fridge, start/empty the dishwasher and wipe the counters. This was mainly voluntary but the thought was that the person(s) with the lowest opportunity cost was the suitable choice to clean, and I agree with that. Everyone loaded dishes as they used them.
Where I am now, most people load the dishwasher and don’t leave things in the sink. There is a list with a designated weekly assigned person who is in charge of starting/emptying the dishwasher, wipe the counters but not clean the fridge. The SVPs and EVPs are exempt from cleaning but directors/managers and VPs are not. I’ve rarely seen anyone shirk their duties. I am glad that someone who cares (undoubtedly a woman) cleans the fridge when it gets full but at this place it is rare that anyone leaves spoiled smelly food in the fridge: This is a rarity in my experience. No one has ever asked me to clean the fridge and I detest it and would boycott by not using the fridge. If you’re out on business travel or vacation, you find someone to swap or cover and people are usually amenable to help in that case.
If you’re the senior manager and cleaners won’t do it (which is normal in my experience), I’d have an admin send out a roster of weekly cleaning duties and see if that works. There’s a list above the sink of what the person needs to do. Works well.
Washer/dryer recs
I need to purchase a new washer and dryer this afternoon. What brands and models do you love? Or hate?
I’ve never bought them before and I’m not devoting a lot of time to researching this but need to get it ASAP. I’m a bit of the mindset that probably anything will be fine since the set I’ve been using in the house we moved into is 20 years old and very no frills, but maybe there are amazing features out there I don’t even know I’m missing. Thanks!
Anonymous
I love my LG. The steam feature is very useful on the dryer, as is the speed wash feature on the washer. It also has a drain and spin feature that addresses the two times in two years i have had an issue with the cycle not completing due to user error it sensed. The dryer senses when the lint has built up and gives a warning to avoid fire. And the washer has a feature where the door closes 95% but then hangs open just a bit to let it dry out and not get dank. Also, it washes and dries effectively. Love it.
anon a mouse
+1 for LG. We got a set from Costco (more than paid for the price of membership) and it’s been fantastic. Did not get the steam feature for budget reasons and I mildly regret it, but the dryer is great. The washer gets clothes cleaner than anything I’ve ever had — we went with top load.
Anon
I replaced a 20-year old set with an LG set last year and couldn’t be happier with it. I did a TON of research and landed on this option. I was really nervous about going from a traditional top loader with an agitator to a front loader, but the LG has cool features that took away some of the pain points (no long cycle times and a self-propping door that keeps mildew at bay).
anne-on
I got a fancy new LG about 5 years ago, and it broke (and the inside drum molded!!) after about 2 years. I flat out asked our repair person which one he recommends and it was Maytag hands down, so that’s what we got.
Anonymous
If your house is as old as your existing washer, be sure to check the measurements of the new machines against the size of your laundry closet or laundry room. When we recently replaced our washer and dryer, there was exactly one HE set on the market that would fit in the laundry closet of our 25-year-old house.
Anon
The new ones you get will not be as good as the 20 year old ones you are replacing– there are a lot of new regulations (less water use, for one) that change the efficacy. I would get Speed Queen.
Anonome
I LOVE my Speed Queen washer and dryer. Top-loading washer, both pieces are bare-bones manual everything. They’re the heavy duty industrial styles you see in laundromats. Total workhorses, none of the frou-frou washer problems (no digital displays crapping out, no mildew stink from mingy gaskets, etc.).
SSJD
I’m also happy with my LG. Check out “wire cutter” (NYTimes’ review $ite) for reviews/recs.
anon
I love our compact LG front-load washer. It fits under a countertop and is plenty big to wash whatever we need, including large rugs.
Small Firm IP Litigator
Due to the size of my laundry closet, the only options I could find were LG, Miele, and Speed Queen. LG was the least expensive, readily available, and was well-reviewed on Wirecutter etc, so I went with that. I was interested in Speed Queen, but I wasn’t in a situation where we could wait and the distributors in my areas couldn’t get them faster than 6-8 weeks.
Happy with LG, although I don’t use any of the fancy features and having a gas dryer still makes me nervous!
Anon
Primary has similar striped sweaters at a slightly lower price point ($25 full price, but they have sales/rewards program).
Anon
Ooops meant for the mom’s page! That’s what I get for having both pages open at the same time next to each other.
A Non drinking friend (get it?)
My husband never drinks and I barely drink. I think I’ve had about 5 drinks total this calendar year.
“Sans bar” is a good resource for mocktails and having fun and socializing without alcohol.
I did go to a Moms’ Night Out for the preschool last night at a wine bar… they do serve mocktails and non-alchoholic drinks and food, of course. Just because you drink, or are a mom, are in that part of life where everything revolves around drinking (doesn’t every part of life seem to revolve around drinking? Graduation, bar hopping,dating, weddings, date nights, work celebrations OR commiserations, bonding with girlfriends, vacations….) doesn’t mean you can’t have fun or enjoy yourself. I’ve done most of those events ^^^ very sober.
I do think you’ve done some great marketing for your blog! Maybe try some non-sober mom posts, and/or try marketing elsewhere. You don’t want to turn into one of those MLM “friends” ugh
AFT
+1 to this.
anne-on
So I normally have a very conservative style, but this dress is calling to me. Is this insane? Or can I get away with wearing this to the office with tights and maybe a blazer?
https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/eliza-j-long-sleeve-midi-dress/5340404?origin=coordinating-5340404-0-3-FTR-recbot-recently_viewed_snowplow_mvp&recs_placement=FTR&recs_strategy=recently_viewed_snowplow_mvp&recs_source=recbot&recs_page_type=product&recs_seed=5398052
Anonymous
Of course. It’s a high necked long sleeve below knee length dress.
Anon
Yes, that is a conservative dress.
Hope this helps
I would offer that it is quite a loud dress with bold color and pattern that will definitely be noticable.
That said, there are a few different ways to style it.
You could definitely do tights and a blazer in darker neutral colors to tone it down.
I think the pattern would make a beautiful skirt, if you wanted to button up a cardigan over the top. Or a vest or similar over the top, to quiet the pattern a little bit.
Boots would look great, as would pumps. A jean jacket for the weekend or after work, blue denim or white or darker.
Anon
I don’t think a blazer would look good with that dress.
Small Firm IP Litigator
I would wear it sans tights (unless for warmth) and definitely sans blazer. But I am partial to conservatively cut yet colorful/patterned pieces.
Asking for a friend ok me
I posted yesterday afternoon. Thought I’d try again.
I am asking friends, colleagues, acquaintances, for help in finding a job. What do I put in the ask email to generate the most helpful leads or assistance? I will probably go to coffee or lunch or a walk or whatever. But I don’t want to surprise people by asking for help. What do I say? I am using the rainbow colored search book that rhymes with doogle, but I thought I’d ask what has been helpful to you when asking for help, or what do you like to see in such an email so that you know how to help a job searcher? Industry? Titles? Target companies? Resume attached or sent later as follow-up? Thoughts?
Anonymous
Omg just say google it’s so stupid. Like “the river site” it’s cutesy and annoying.
Just say that you’re looking for a job and would love to take them out to coffee and talk about their job.
Anon
Same on the cutesy. I feel like these euphemisms are written by middle schoolers. Don’t get me started on “gardening”
anon
Eh, gardening has been used here forever– to avoid mod, not because we’re 12. But then again, I cringe so hard at DH and DD and LO so, to each their own.
anon
References to google used to send people to mod.
Anon
Why the heck are you saying “rainbow search book that rhymes with Doogle?” I am so distracted by that and do not understand.
Anon
g00gle
Anon
Yeah, I got what she is literally trying to say, but what I don’t understand is why she is not using the actual name. It’s baffling.
Anonymous
do you think people are afraid that certain words will send them into mod? every time i read “the river site,” I assume that is why the poster is using that language.
Anon
It goes to mod, or at least used to, if you didn’t change the spelling a bit.
Anon
If that’s the worry, then just use Go0gle. Don’t make up some bizarre sentence because it’s very strange and distracting.
The original Scarlett
I wouldn’t take the approach you’re describing and that’s probably why you’re striking out looking for advice. Start with your close friends and close network, in person, tell them you’re looking. If they offer to connect you with someone, then connect. A resume is only appropriate if you’re applying for an actual job not as part of networking. You don’t want to sp*m everyone you know. If you find a job you’re interested in, use LinkedIn to see if you know someone there or are connected to someone who knows someone there and see if they can hook you up with an intro.
Anonymous
Let’s be kind. I’m not sure why the other responses zoned in on a pet peeve instead of just answering your question.
I agree with the post about starting with close friends and letting things happen organically. In my experience direct asks to people you’re not close with don’t work great. Do you have a friend that is really well connected? That is a good starting place.
Anon
When I’ve been in this situation, I explain that I’m looking and ask, “What would you do in my shoes?”
People feel bad when they find you a job (or solve your problem, generally) but if you ask for advice, they can come through and feel good about that. If these folks might be able to help you — maybe not now but in the future — it’s better for them to remember being with you and feeling good — not feeling lousy because they couldn’t put you on to a hot job lead.
Plus what people have said to me after this has often been really useful, big picture.
OP who used the wrong phrase so sorry
This sounds really helpful, thanks. It sounds like something I could ask in an email or in person. Much appreciated.
I am being direct and not euphemistic.
Anon
Hard to tell by your phrasing if you are considering this, but I would not send a mass email to all your friends. Your time would be much better spent emailing people individually with asks tailored to who they know and how they can help you. Reach out directly and be specific.
OP who used the wrong phrase so sorry
Thank you! This is good advice. (Yes I was kind of thinking mass email but I’ll definitely do the work and start planning better.)
Anon
+1 yes definitely don’t mass email. That is SO much easier for someone to ignore without feeling bad about it than getting a personal email.
Anon
My biggest asset when I was out of work and on the coffee/breakfast/lunch carousel with friends and former colleagues was a networking summary. Instead of a resume, it was an high-level overview of my skills, strengths, target job titles and target employers. If you’re job searching, I’m assuming you know what you’re asking of the people with whom you’re meeting – is it an introduction to someone? A recommendation? Insight on a particular organization? Consulting work if you need extra cash? You should have a solid “ask” of everyone. Your approach should be different depending on whether you’re currently out of work or simply looking to make a change. You don’t want everyone in your network to know you’re looking if it can get back to your current employer.
OP who used the wrong phrase so sorry
Thank you. I’ve heard of the networking summary but not really seen it in use so this is helpful perspective, thank you!
Anon
I liked this article in the Times: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/09/17/style/generation-z-millennials-work-life-balance.html
I’ve definitely found myself expecting flexibility more than some of the older generations at my office.
Anonymous
I find all this flexibility annoying. I work during the day, in big finance. In the evening I prefer to be with my kids, husband, hobbies and down time. I definitely have late nights and weekends, which is the nature of the job. It gets incredibly annoying when my teammate needs to do x hobby or whatever during the day and can’t get back to me until late. Then I’m forced to be flexible to keep the task on time. I hate it, but it’s not cool (or permitted, as a manager) to beef about it.
anon
Agree with Anonymous at 10:33. And I’m a millennial.
Anon
Well then you’re a dinosaur.
And FWIW, I don’t know anybody who uses flexibility for their hobbies. Most people are using to manage child care, elder care, doctor’s appointments, etc.
Anon
I agree with this. While I’d love to work somewhere in a mountain town where you could ski in the morning and work in the afternoon, the vast, vast majority of the flexibility that people require is for appointments, waiting for deliveries/maintenance at home, and other real-life things. Maybe someone will go to the gym over their lunch hour, but that’s it.
Anonymous
Eh, i have a coworker that uses it to drive to her vacation home on Fridays…
Anon
Who cares if she drives to her vacation home before the weekend as long as the work is done? Leaving at 1 or 2 on a Friday is a little different than taking off from 10-2 on a random Tuesday.
Anonymous
I mean I care because if I need something from her on a Friday, I’m not going to get it during normal work hours?
Anon
If she’s missing deadlines, that’s on her, but if you’re asking for things last-minute and expecting immediate results, that’s on you. I get that things come up, but as the article points out, people are still staying on top of their work, just not from the office. You could probably call your coworker and get an answer to something if it truly couldn’t wait.
Anon
Anon at 1:57 pm, sometimes the co-worker needs to do more than give an answer; she needs to drop everything and produce substantive work product.
Anonymous
Ugh maybe I’m just too old fashioned to be a proper millennial (and for what it’s worth I am actually a millennial) but I feel like my company pays me to do work in a collaborative environment, not just to do random outsourced work. To me, being an employee means working in an office when generally other employees are also working in the office (I get that the hour or so of the beginning and end of the day may not overlap). Working remote/flexible/random hours feels more like a contractor. Which is fine but doesn’t really breed the same team environment. Maybe it’s just the type of work we do, but it’s SO much easier when my coworkers are here to ask a quick question to/quickly loop them in to a discussion, etc.
Anonymous
Idk, I find it equally annoying when I ask a junior to get something to me “by Friday” and they give it to me at 5 or 6 pm. Like thanks so much for making me work this weekend. This is why I now ask for all assignments by 10 a.m.* on whatever date I want it. Gives them an hour-ish to look over it one more time in the morning, but not so much time that they’re putting it off until the day it’s due.
*I whittled it down to 10 a.m. when I realized that people are pretty consistently late with midday deadlines. If I ask for it by 3 pm I’ll get it by 5. If I ask for it by 10 am then I’ll get it before lunch, which is fine. I really just want an hour or two to review and edit!
Acacia
So you want it by Thursday evening? Then why don’t you say that. I work in such a flexible workplace and it works fine because we say what we mean and mean what we say.
Anon
Exactly. I asked if “COB” means “before the following morning” or “4 pm,” because it matters. But if you wanted time to review something in the afternoon, then use your words.
anon
In my office, “by Thursday” means any time on Thursday, “COB Thursday” means before 5, and “EOD Thursday” means any time before people start checking email Friday.
Anonymous
These responses are so unnecessarily nasty. She explained that she learned her lesson and that she asks for things in the morning? Why are you jumping up and down about that? You’re condescendingly telling her to “use [her] words” when she… did?
Anonymous
So I am an “old millennial” in big law. My first day on the job (I lateraled over from an in house gig) I was specifically told that the job was not a face time job, there was no face time requirement, etc. Which, while nice that it was said, is not exactly true. My boss cares about Face Time when he is at the office and also wants you there (could be anything from “want to look good to other partners that my “team” is in the office”, “what do you think we should do about X?”, “Y just came in and needs to happen, stat. please work on this.”) and could care less when he is not in the office and doesn’t need you. All of this makes sense to me, because I do generally have the flexibility for a doctor’s appointment in the morning or to leave a little early to get some where and log bak on later. I think the tension (and much larger issue) is that when people who are upper level managers now started work, there was no email on your phone, no 24/7 access to work. So, personally, some days I would be happier with a required butt in seat job and no flexibility to go to the doctor or leave early if it meant that I left at 6 and didn’t worry about anything until I got back to my desk the following morning. Because if you are working on something until midnight or 2 am Tuesday night, I don’t really see that people get a break on the other side and can come at 10:00 on a Wednesday.
The other issue that I don’t know a lot about, but sometimes we get stern firm wide emails about…. aren’t there tax implications if you’re a partner in a partnership with offices in certain states, and then all of the sudden, someone decides they are going to work remotely for the summer from Michigan (where you don’t have an office)?
Anonymous
It is funny, when i read the post the other day about millennials not being able to save for retirement, there was a lot of talk about job hopping, and a general feeling that if you can get a 20k increase with each hop, why not? (and, in all honesty, a bunch of 20k increases in base pay definitely would help you to be able to save for retirement–the more money you make, the easier it is to save). My thoughts around those discussions where–what happens when you need flexibility? for me, flexiblity at jobs (like WFH) only came after years of proving myself.
Anon
This is a good point, but you will only stay to “prove yourself” at a company that is worth doing so. If you’re at a company that pays you market based on your skills, is not full of toxic managers, offers job advancement potential, and pay raises commensurate with your title (instead of capping pay raises at say 5% of your current job title no matter the promotion type, which is BS), then yeah, there is no reason to move. I think it’s silly to assume young people only move because of money. We’re not stupid, we take into consideration the longevity potential, work culture, entire comp package, etc., not just for more money.
If a job is paying below market, won’t promote me in a logical way after years of good performance and/or is full of toxic management, h*ll yeah I would move.
anon
+1 million
Anonymous
Yes, I totally get that and support your right to switch jobs whenever you want to. I think it is an important thing to think about–if you keeping leaving jobs because they won’t promote you, or are full of toxic management, how are you ever going to earn the flexibility that frankly, becomes kind of necessary as you get older. Whether it is kids, or aging parents, or your own health, or your husband’s–at some point, having a job that allows WFH is going to be what allows you to keep working through a difficult time.
Anon
Millennials will leave if there isn’t flexibility from the start. We’re dealing with student loan debt, long commutes because we can’t afford the cities we work in, and all kinds of other issues. When we get managers that inexplicably require butt-in-seat time for jobs that can very, very easily be done remotely with no disruption to the work product, we’re not going to just hang around and accept it. It’s different for jobs that require someone to be on site (e.g., teachers, medical providers), but for a lot of computer-based jobs, insisting that employees must be in the office at precise times is archaic.
anon
…and yet you wonder why you aren’t getting the promotions or the benefits that come from respecting the existing work culture. Hmm.
Anon
Who’s wondering that? I’m not and that was my post. I’m getting plenty of benefits and respect doing things my way because I work for good employers who understand that employees aren’t robots.
Anon
The fact that you have student loan debt does not entitle you to more flexibility; it generally means that you take less flexibility in exchange for more money.
Anon
No, it means that we are going to go for the job that offers the best balance of compensation because we can’t always afford to live in the big cities where we often work. Therefore, non-salary compensation like flexibility and telecommuting have higher value to many of us. If you don’t offer that at your place of business, you’re often not going to get the best talent.
Anonymous
The comment below here is so bizarre. Are you trying to make a unique claim to wanting a high salary and total flexibility because you are a millennial? News flash–we all want that. My dream job is one where I am paid what I am worth, and have exactly the amount of flexibility that I need. However, i recognize that my dream job doesn’t exist, and i have to take what i can get. that means, that at times in my career, i have stayed in a job that didn’t pay me what i wanted because it offered me flexibility. Just because you as a millennial can’t afford to live in a certain area of the city doesn’t mean that flexibility is more important to you than to a Gen X’er who needs to be able to take her aging parents to doctors appointments. i am actually trying to help you see the value of compromising a little bit on pay, or on trying to build up longevity with a company–it might pay off years from now with a flexible schedule that is needed for reasons other than “long commute.” Yet everything seems to be about what you want (which appears to be everything) right now.
Anonymous
I’m a millennial for what it’s worth but I just feel like the idea that a lot of work can be done remotely is overrated. In the sense that, yes there’s definitely tons of work that can be done remotely but there’s also tons of work that sorta can but it’s not as productive to work from home and we just need to be honest with ourselves and show up for the work day?
Anon
+1 I think the other thing that factors into this is at least in big law the people where being in the office is most important are the junior people and they are also the ones who want the flexibility. It creates a lot of tension.
Anon
Ok Midwesterners, please tell me how to dress. I’m coming at you from so cal, where we clearly don’t do weather.
The forecast is 82 degrees, probably rain, flood advisory, maybe windy. The event is at least partially outdoors and involves tramping around in what may be a muddy surface if it rains.
I can’t get my head around rain and wind and 82 degrees at the same time.
Casual is ok.
Anonymous
What’s the occasion? Whatever it is, wear something washable that can get muddy.
Anon
Oops I just checked the weather app again and now there’s a lightning bolt on the icon. Help!
Anonymous
Lifelong Midwest. Can you tell us what the event is? I’d probably go with a casual dress and flats if I couldn’t wear athletic clothing. If I really was going to be outside in mud, I’d consider sneakers with the casual dress instead of flats.
Anon
It’s like a ribbon cutting for a business opening on a site still under construction. Followed by a brunch. So confused!
Anonymous
Dress or skirt to avoid the risk of soggy or muddy pants. Either waterproof sneakers or something like the Sam Edelman Tinsley. Bring a raincoat and an umbrella.
Midwest
I had the same confusion when I moved to the Midwest from LA. In my mind, rain meant chilly weather.
For a casual event, I would wear a simple dress or jeans/top with flat shoes. If it’s hot and rainy, it’ll probably be very humid so keep that in mind for hair and makeup purposes as you will be sweatier than in a dry 82. Also, in the Midwest the rain can last 10 minutes and be done.
kk
What kind of event? I’d maybe wear an all black outfit- a sheath dress or slim pants and tank with water proof sneakers like the sorel out n about sneaker in black. I’d bring a jean jacket and/or colorful light scarf, and an umbrella?
MagicUnicorn
Slim ankle pants so you don’t have to deal with flippy skirts in the wind or pant hems getting muddy. Flats that can survive dirt or mud. Blouse, maybe a blazer or cardigan if your brunch is indoors. Thick skin for the elements.
If there is actually lightning, go indoors. Don’t stand under umbrellas, tents/poles, construction scaffolding/bleachers/etc.
Anon
On warm, rainy days on my Chicago commute (like a mile of walking outside), I prefer dresses. Otherwise I end up with rain- and mud-soaked hems, and the pants make me very sweaty from the mugginess. In your shoes, I’d wear a sheath dress with sleeves (like the Etsuko), or a dress with a blazer, and flats. I might even consider wearing Chelsea-style rainboots to the construction site and bring flats to change into for brunch.
anon
Ankle pants, sleeveless top, shoes that can get wet/muddy, and bring along a jacket in case it rains. Umbrellas + wind = no good.
Demanding climate action
Going to the climate strike in Berkeley today. Anyone else going around the world?
Anon
I don’t get why you’re going in Berkeley and my son who goes to Berkeley High is expected to go to San Francisco for it. I think he’s staying home. I have to go to work.
Demanding climate action
the rally in SF will undoubtedly be bigger, and the Berkeley High climate action group decided it would increase motivation to participate in the bigger event. I definitely get it, thinking of how large group events (political protest and football stadium alike) is very moving and uplifting. I know some people chaperoning the high school group to enable them to go to SF, actually.
Do you have any reason to believe your son would lie about this or does he have a history of cutting school? If not, maybe give him the benefit of the doubt. Young people might have less experience and knowledge, but that doesn’t mean their convictions aren’t serious.
Anon
He’s staying home because he’s shy and awkward and didn’t have anyone to go “with”, despite asking a classmate who said no. I feel bad for him but it was his decision. I’m not sending him to school because they’re basically housing all the kids who don’t go in the gym and making them sit around.
Amberwitch
Sent to the Copenhagen demo earlier today. Lots of young and indignated people
ValkyrieLawyer
Are social clubs beneficial for professional development?
I recently moved my legal practice to San Francisco and noticed that many people belong to private social clubs. This has never been a “thing” in any other city in which I’ve practiced. Not that I can afford the exorbitant membership fees at this time, but has anyone noticed a benefit to being a member of a social club? It seems like a relic from a bygone era, but if it actually does help get clients/establish oneself in the community, I might consider it in the future. Thoughts?
Anon
Like… a country club?
What is a private social club? Like a new WeWork or something? Or a ye olde alumni club? I’m not in San Francisco, but don’t understand.
Ribena
I think like a private members club. In London there are a ton of these – your best bet is being good friends with someone who is a member so they can get you in to stuff but you don’t have to pay dues!
Anonymous
What is your practice area?
OP
Estate planning.
The original Scarlett
I’d definitely consider joining them then, that exactly where you biz dev in that space
Senior Attorney
I think it would be quite helpful for your area, because the kind of people who join social clubs are the kind of people who would be in the market for estate planning services. My husband does family law and it’s similar — he’s gotten several clients from his club.
Caveat: If you go in there with guns blazing like you’re looking for business, you will alienate people. Just go and schmooze and make friends and eventually the referrals will come.
Anonymous
Yes, I would do either an old school club or a country club.
The original Scarlett
Yes, they are a thing here but there’s a lot of different kinds and varying levels of accessibility. People with the need to develop individual business have the most success using them for networking (lawyers w a focus on individual type practices, real estate agents etc.)
Anon
Can you name a couple so we know what you mean? Like, the Bohemian club?
OP
The City Club, Wingtip, Villa Taverna, The Battery, to name a few.
The original Scarlett
New school: the battery, wingtip
Old school: Olympic club, metropolitan club, pacific union club, bohemian club, spinsters, guardsman
MNF
Yes. I belong to a club and find it helpful to meet people. Like with all networking, you’re better off treating it as a way to generally expand your circle. Then in 6 months you’ll get a call from someone’s brother because they heard you do X. I’ve made lots of friends through the club I belong to.
Similar to country clubs, most private clubs are desperate for new members, particularly young members. There are often junior rates, reduced fees and membership drives where they cut initiation fees. You may want to see if you can find a deal.
ValkyrieLawyer
Thank you all for your comments and advice! Much appreciated. Have a lovely weekend, ladies. :)
online mortgage lenders
I’m a first time home buyer and in looking into mortgage rates, I’m considering going with an online lender. Is this a bad idea? Anyone have experience working with online lenders? They are offering better rates but I know there can be trade-offs: not local, more bureaucracy, etc. Thoughts? This is all new territory for me. Thanks!
Anon
My first mortgage was done with a Credit Union whose nearest branch was 3 hours away, so might as well have been online. It wasn’t any different than my most recent mortgage that was done locally. I never went into a physical bank/office during either process. Both were simple mortgages – 30 year conventional w/20% down and no real hiccups. Both were tedious and a bit of a PITA, but that’s the nature of the beast.
AnonInfinity
I wasn’t a first time buyer, but I went with an online lender for a house purchase a couple of months ago, and it couldn’t have been easier. I did not find it to be more bureaucracy than local banks. In fact, it felt less onerous–they just sent me a list of what I needed to provide, and I uploaded all the documents to a secure site. At closing, my title company said the process was seamless from their end as well. And I love the low rate!
Anon
As a first time buyer, we used on online credit union (Alliant). The rates were better and I prefer using a credit union to big banks. I have no basis for comparison, but we had a good experience. Everything was sent electronically, which I frankly prefer. I could gather and submit paperwork from work using email and my lender was very available over telephone. I also got some reassurances that the credit union was unlikely to sell my mortgage to another servicer, which was a very high priority for me and the reason that I refused to use a big bank which as a routine practice sells to other servicers. Paying the mortgage is as easy as transferring funds from our checking account to the mortgage account, and it can be automated, so it’s very easy on my end.
anon
When we sold our home earlier this year we wouldn’t consider any offer that came from Rocket or one other (forgetting which one now…). My broker repping us on the sale had terrible experiences with them in the past and said it was not worth the potential pain. Maybe they’re great and my broker had the one bad experience with them, but as a seller who had to sell I took that to heart. Two offers out of 10 came in with a pre approval from them and we didn’t even consider the offers. (Interestingly, she said the same of the offer with the BofA pre approval).
Local credit unions can give you ridiculous deals. When we bought our first house the local teeny tiny 2-branch bank offered no PMI with 11% down, which was required literally everywhere else unless you had more than 20% down. The bank didn’t sell the mortgages so they had all the flexibility in the world to do what they wanted. Food for thought.
Anonymous
Our first house we used good mortgage.com. It worked great. Our mortgage was almost immediately sold to Regions Bank, but there were no issues with that. If it helps, the only “quirk” to our mortgage was that we initially were paying PMI and then once we met the requirements for longer having to pay PMI, we very easily filled out some form about no longer paying PMI and then… no more PMI. But it was a rather basis home mortgage (not a jumbo).
Anon
Anyone want to do some virtual shopping for me? Looking for a duvet cover (queen size) for our master bedroom. Room is painted grey (darker grey for the accent wall, lighter grey for the other walls), with grey furniture (ikea Hemnes). Orange and white curtains. Our current set up is a quilt (paisley-ish design, navy, orange, white, and grey patterns).
Anonymous
I’d keep it simple, something like this in Stone White: https://www.westelm.com/products/organic-washed-cotton-duvet-cover-shams-b2057/?pkey=cduvet-covers&isx=0.0.1008
Or any solid white textured duvet would be pretty.
Anon
West Elm has some nice textured duvets right now. I’m actually trying to decide which one I like best to order.
Anon
Honestly, since you already like IKEA, I would recommend going back there for your duvet cover and bed linens. I love their big wall of duvets and always find something there.
The orange and white curtains sound like a lot. Have you considered doing your bed in a monochrome to cut down on the busy-ness? Like different textures but all one shade. Ivory? Gray? Something like that. I always feel like bedrooms should look restful and soothing.
Anon
I would do white linens.
Calgary recs?
Calgary people! Where should I get my brows threaded? Staying between Chinook and Southland, but will have a car.
Anonz
Don’t live in Calgary any longer, but wanted to share that I deeply miss it and am glad to see fellow western Canadians on here. Envious of your access to Chinook and Market Mall :)
Poshmark Q
On Poshmark, I am getting a lot of comments wanting me to e-mail them at gmail addresses (not through Poshmark). Is this something that people do? Or a sign of shadiness?
[It seems like a high-maintenance chore when you’ve already got a picture, the item is priced to move (jardigan for $50, etc.), and you can message on the platform / app. And why would I want people to have an e-mail / have to check e-mail when I’m already watching the app?]
Or do people do this really and it’s how sales get done.
Anon
No, they’re scammers and being shady. Just ignore them
Anon
+1
Anonymous
Yes, this. I usually flag those comments as “transaction off poshmark” to get them off my page, rather than responding to them at all.
anon with free time
For the first time in several years, I have large chunks of free time after work/school and on the weekends. I literally have no idea what to do with it! I’m looking for some distraction b/c during all of this newfound free time I’m waiting to hear about interviews and going slightly/medium-ly out of my mind. Suggestions for what normal people do with free nights and weekends?
Casual but not for me
Evenings: Knit, read, watch movies, do a chore or two so I don’t have to do them on weekends, take a yoga class,
Weekends: Bake, go for a long walk, go to a museum or a gallery, take a yoga class, go out for coffee and people watch,
Anon
I’d sign up for a class, at least for one of those times. When I finished grad school and all of a sudden had all that free time I got in the habit of just crashing on the couch and watching tv and it wasn’t very pleasant.
Senior Attorney
+1 either an exercise class or a fun subject at your local community college. Or both!!
Or volunteer!
anon a mouse
Take long walks! I used to pick one day a week to walk the 4 miles home, usually listening to an audiobook.
Pick up a hobby – painting? Knitting? Sculpture?
If you think later this fall will be busy for you, is this a good time to plan/buy holiday gifts, order holiday cards, etc?
Write letters to friends and/or elderly relatives. No one does this anymore and it’s so special when they do.
Explore youtube makeup videos!
Or… look for social events in your city – book readings, lectures, dance nights at bars, etc.
Gigi
Any cat owners here who are actually allergic to cats?
How severe is your allergy and how did/do you cope?
Leatty
I am mildly allergic, and I have 2 cats (had 3 until our sweet kitty passed). For me, it is only a problem if I rub my nose/eyes after petting them or lay on furniture that has a lot of pet hair. As a result, we keep them out of our bedroom, make the guest bedroom extra cozy for them, and vacuum our couches weekly. I also wash my hands after petting them, and I have an inhaler for any flare ups. Worth it!
Anon
I get red itchy eyes around cats and have tested positive for a cat allergy. I have two cats. (Adorable stray kittens who adopted us, who are giant, lazy bros now)
I don’t let them in my bedroom and I wash my hands religiously after petting them. I probably don’t pet them as much as they would like but for one of cats, as much as he would like = quitting my job and petting him all day.
I also brush them outdoors just about every weekend to keep down on the shedding indoors.
Last, I have a roomba (two actually, upstairs and downstairs) and run them regularly. I also have a dust allergy so I thought I was getting the roombas for that, but the basket is always absolutely full of cat hair.
JS
Yep – I take a Zyrtec and flonase as needed, and run an air purifier 24/7.
I only notice things get bad if I don’t change the sheets or vacuum often enough.
For reference I am so allergic I would get hives from being in a house with cats and constantly sneeze and have watering eyes.
MagicUnicorn
My mother was allergic and made me bathe our cat regularly (once a month or so). It worked for her.
anon
Yes, I developed a cat allergy when our now-elderly cat was about 4. He doesn’t get to go in the bedroom, and we run an air purifier in there. I take zyrtec daily year-round and have started doing allergy shots.
Anonymous
I am allergic to cats but allowed my children to adopt a stray kitten. A few things have helped me: he is an inside cat and so doesn’t go outside and get covered in pollen. I vacuum at least once a week including the furniture. The cat really only likes to sit on one spot on the couch, so I cover that spot with a blanket and wash it often. I keep the cat off the bed and out of my room for the most part. I shut the door to my room when I leave. I also wipe him down with a wet cloth (he tolerates it haha) as often as I remember which I think seems to help with the shedding. I also take allergy medication but I did before the cat.
Anonymous
It helped a lot when I learned our cats love being cleaned with kitty wipes.
Anonymous
Any IT savvy people here? I have a 5 year old high-end laptop at home, lightly used over the years, that has this “100% disk full” problem. It’s a common problem, even for new laptops, and makes the computer very slow and balky. There are like 10 fixes for it; I’ve done 7 of the 10 and none help. The last few are beyond my skill-set. Given its age, should I just buy a new laptop or have an IT person spend an hour with it?
Anon
Can you buy an external disk drive and store your stuff there, and then reformat your laptop as if it’s new?
Anonymous
I’m embarrassed to say I don’t know the implications of reformatting (it may be beyond my skills too). Do I need to repurchase an operating system and MS Office?
Anon
Sounds like you need to go to a laptop tech.
Anonymous
Does it seem worth that step, given the age of the hardware? I’ll have to put some money into a tech appt, and new laptops (not as nice) can be had for $300-500, it looks like.
It not savvy
I love my local tech fix it place. It’s not a franchise. They work like car mechanic. Informal estimate over the phone. Diagnosis. Tell you formal need and estimate. You can decide to pay for repairs or not.
NOLA
The only time I’ve gotten that message was when I had a virus that made it look like my hard drive was full. Check that first.
Anonymous
Inspired by the post above about alcohol culture, at what point would you talk to a friend about their drinking habits? If you felt like you should say something, what would you say? How do you maintain the friendship but also keep yourself safe and happy?
Anonymous
1- if they were endangering other people or themselves
2- “I’m worried about your drinking because xyz happened and it scared me”
3- safe? No friend makes me unsafe.
OP
Re the safety point – I agree, if someone actually makes you unsafe then that’s a pretty big no. But if you see some warning signs then I’m not sure you wait until something bad happens to make sure you are safe.
Example: I have a friend who not infrequently wakes up still drunk. We’re in a city with basically no public transit; we used to pick each other up to go lunch or whatever. She has a breathalyzer (not attached to her car) and she’s paranoid about getting another DUI (last one was 10 years ago) so I know she wouldn’t intend to drive drunk. But that doesn’t mean I want to stake my life on her being sober enough to know she’s not sober enough to pick me up for lunch at 1 pm because she’s still over the limit from the night before.
Anon
I would not talk to a friend about her drinking habits. She knows she drinks. It’s not up to you to point it out.
The farthest I would go is to talk about my own habits.
Anon
I have had conversations with my best friend about drinking in the past. This stemmed from the fact that she missed a job interview (during the recession when jobs were slim pickings) due to being hungover, that she was hospitalized twice for alcohol poisoning (once while with me), and that she regularly drank 6+ drinks in a sitting (like every other night or more) and would make nasty, rude comments to others. Her drinking was nearly friendship-ending, but we survived and she drinks a LOT less now. No regrets in bringing it up.
Anon
Also, I should add that she would inappropriately pressure me to drink or give me more drinks after I was already too drunk, even if she knew that I didn’t want them (ultimately my responsibility to decline, but I didn’t want to hang out with someone who would pressure me to make bad choices/take advantage of me being drunk). On another occasion, I said upfront that I was down to have a few drinks but that I did not want to smoke, but she waited until I was drunk to push a joint into my face. That was one of the last times I ever drank any significant amount with her and we ended up not speaking for about three months (we previously spoke daily). When I remember those times now, I’m very, very grateful she took control over her drinking and issues surrounding it.
Worry about yourself
1) If you can point to specific behavior that worries you while she’s drunk, do that. Similarly, if she’s frequently missing things because she’s drunk or hungover, that’s problem behavior you can bring up. You could even say something as simple as “I don’t like the person you become when you’re drunk.”
2) If her behavior while drunk is fine and her hangovers aren’t causing an issue, but she drinks significantly more than the people she’s with, you could mention this as well. “Sally, when we go out to drink most of us only have 2-3 drinks, but I’ve noticed you tend to have more like 5-7, I’d appreciate it if you could take your cues from the group and pace yourself.” If she can’t scale back her consumption at social events, that might indicate a problem.
Anon
I can’t imagine addressing any friend with a sentence that goes, “Sally…I’d appreciate if you could take your cues from [anything]… and [do anything].”
ATL rette
What do you do with gently used swimsuits that have been worn and are in great shape but don’t fit? Throwing them away seems incredibly wasteful, but donating seems gross…
Anonymous
Throw them away
Anonymous
possibly donate it somewhere to recycle the fabric
Coach Laura
People sell used swimsuits and linger!e on Poshmark so I don’t know why you wouldn’t donate to Goodwill/Salvation Army. The org will recycle if they don’t sell it.
Velma
You might make someone’s day by donating. Ebay + thrift stores around here do a booming business in secondhand suits. My teenager loves to buy bikini tops at the thrift store.
CHL
Super deep question for Friday afternoon. Do you guys wear bracelets? What kind? I work in a company where weirdly I am noticing a lot of bracelets. Let’s discuss.
lsw
I always find them too irritating when I’m using a computer keyboard, which is annoying, because I love the look of bracelets!
anon
Nope, they bother me so much, especially when I’m typing. And I prefer my watch and Fitbit for daily wear anyway, so no real point to owning pretty bracelets.
Anon
Nope, too noisy and difficult with typing.
Cat
No.
People in my company definitely go to extremes on this. You’re either a Full On Alex & Ani Tinkling Arm Party, or you’re a Just a Watch, Thanks person.
T
Daytime casual – Fitbit with black silicone band
Daytime “nice” – Shinola watch, grey or taupe small Hermes clic bracelets (silver)
Evening – A couple of different Hermes bracelets, either clic clacs or other enameled ones; small diamond tennis bracelet
Anon
I wear all the bracelets so you guys don’t have to. I love them.
Pearls. Bangles. Charm style bracelets (not pandora type, more old school). I’m very happy with them.
Irish Midori
I occasionally put one on in the morning because I love the look, and it’s always off by 9 a.m. because I can’t type or stop playing with it.