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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Floral Print Drape Blouse

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I love the drama of this high-necked blouse. In my overly-imaginative brain, it looks like something an elegant, evil heiress on a daytime soap would wear. For a blouse with this much going on, I’d probably want to keep the rest of the outfit pretty basic. I would wear this tucked into a black pencil skirt or high-waisted black pants with black heels, but I might try to add some small, gold drop earrings to bring the pizzazz that this top deserves. It’s $395 and available in sizes XS–L. Floral Print Drape Blouse Two more affordable options in regular sizes are from Topshop and Vince Camuto, and an alternative in plus sizes is from Gibson. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 12.13

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals on skincare including Charlotte Tilbury, Living Proof, Dyson, Shark Pro, and gift sets!
  • Ann Taylor – 50% off everything, including new arrivals (order via standard shipping for 12/23 expected delivery)
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 400+ styles starting at $19
  • J.Crew – Up to 60% off almost everything + free shipping (12/13 only)
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off everything and free shipping, no minimum
  • Macy's – $30 off every $150 beauty purchase on top brands
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
  • Talbots – 50% off entire purchase, and free shipping on $99+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

354 Comments

  1. Any recommendation for skinny leather/faux-leather pants that look classic and not too shiny? In NY, they seem to have replaced skinny jeans this fall. I used to think they looked trashy, but have seen quite a few women pull it off while looking elegant and classy recently. The key seems to be the amount of shininess to the leather and the cut.

    1. I bought a pair from J Brand a year ago, and I *love* them. They were originally $900, but I got them for half of that on Last Call.

    2. No recs, but I am interested in this look. How would you style it? I have chunky thighs, so I always avoid shiny or colorful bottoms. Perhaps a long tunic sweater?

    3. I don’t have an actual recommendation but I feel like everyone was raving about the Spanx “leather” or liquid leggings. I got some (size up!) and did not love them. Did not seem worth the near $100.

    4. Perhaps not exactly what you’re looking for but I have a pair of the Spanx faux leather leggings and I absolutely love them.

      1. I have these and love them too. I got them on sale at Nordstrom for $64 — totally worth it.

        1. I got a NWT pair on Poshmark for $60! They are a little long for me (XS on a 5’5″er), but otherwise, two thumbs up.

    5. I bought a pair at Aritzia a few years ago and they are still in great shape.

      I’ve also heard good things about the Spanx leather leggings.

      I usually wear a longer top. Depends on where I’m going but for a more casual look, I’ll wear a longer sweater. For a dressier look, I’ve worn longer silky camisoles and maybe a silky blazer or something.

    6. I have commando faux leather in oxblood and I love them. Also tried spanx and lisse and didn’t like as much as commando

    7. I have a pair of Eileen Fisher leather-front leggings and I would live in them if I could. They’re real leather all the way down the front and the back is just black ponte fabric, which apparently solves the problem of the butt getting baggy in all-leather pants. I am not sure if EF still sells them but they are worth the spend if you can find a pair. The leather is not super-shiny so it looks more polished and less drunken rockstar.

      1. How do you clean them since they are real leather?

        I used to have a leather skirt and it was so expensive to clean. My life got a lot easier when I replaced it with a pleather-front skirt.

        1. In the washing machine. No lie. I looked it up, and then got freaked out and took them to my dry cleaner. She told me that A. it would cost $80 to do leather cleaning on the pants and B. I would have to send them away for a month. Then she said “You know you can wash leather pants in the washer, right? You can look up instructions for it online.”
          I was so nervous but it worked fine. I used an enzyme cleaner (Biz) instead of a detergent, just a tiny amount, and ran them through a delicate cycle on Tap Cold (which is super cold, no warm water mixed in). I laid them flat to dry. When they dried I used a leather conditioning lotion on the leather part. Worked like a charm. They look great. There are tons of articles out there if you Google “wash leather pants in washing machine,” people have a variety of methods.

      2. Ooh, I love EF and found some on Poshmark (though they are still pretty pricey). How does the fit compare to the slim crepe ankle pants?

    8. I’ve had these for a couple of years and love them: https://www.aritzia.com/us/en/product/daria-pant/31352.html I haven’t tried the others like Spanx, so I don’t know how they compare, but just to offer up an alternative.

      I do find styling them difficult. I find I only like the look on me if my butt and front are completely covered plus a couple of inches past (not a body image thing, just an aesthetic thing). I also don’t like it if said sweater/tunic is too loose/billowy all the way down, combined with the super skinniness of the pants I think it just looks off on me. I finally found a couple of long body hugging sweaters that are my go-tos to wear with them after a few other no-go top attempts, and I love the cozy yet glam look it creates.

    9. Last year I got a pair of coated skinny jeans from Loft, in black. There’s a bit of a shine, so it’s kind of an alternative to leather/faux leather.

      I use them a lot more than I thought I would, especially if you want to be just a little dressy/funky and don’t feel like wearing a dress.

  2. Best non-clay cat litter that manages odor well? I haven’t been happy with ours and want to see what else is out there. It’s for one cat.

    1. Have you tried using an odor neutralizer? We keep a container of Ona pro gel odor neutralizer above the litter box, and it really seems to help.

    2. I like Dr. Elsey’s in the blue bag or the Cat Attract version in the red bag. I have five cats and it does well. I scoop the boxes frequently and make sure the waste goes in a trash can with a lid. Also, periodically dump the litter and wash out the box.

      1. I used World’s Best Cat Litter and Feline Pine for several years before finally going back to clay litter. My reviews: Feline Pine is good, smells OK, does just a so-so job at clumping, which means requiring frequent cleanings. World’s Best Cat Litter clumped better, but didn’t cover smells very well for my sensitive-nosed husband.

        Ultimately would have stuck with World’s Best except one cat started pooping outside the box. We tried clay in desperation (first Dr. Elsey’s but it was sooo heavy, then Scoop Away Unscented) and we and the cats are generally happier. Scoop Away does a great job covering scents without an artificial one over the top.

      3. That’s what I use. It’s flushable and I keep the box in my bathroom, so I just scoop and flush 1-2x a day – as soon as I notice it’s been used. So I haven’t had any issues with odor but if you aren’t scooping as often, YMMV.

    6. feline pine

      i tried the world’s best (smells like cat peed on corn)
      and the newspaper one, etc.

      but the pine works the best for our 3 cats and 2 litter boxes in a small bathroom.

  3. A modest proposal. On Monday mornings no one speaks in the office until 10am.

    2. My office IS glorious. Also, meetings aren’t scheduled till Tuesday unless absolutely necessary.

    4. Another modest proposal: let your employees work from home instead of coming in to the office that has no AC/HVAC system when the air quality is horrendous from wildfires. Really not looking forward to doing a few cigars’ worth of damage to my lungs today.

      1. wow, that’s not right….you should be able to WFH….may I ask where you are located?

      2. So devastated about the Sonoma Co fires. And of course, the first trip I make to SF this year is tomorrow.

        1. Ooof… not a great time to visit. Have you checked that everywhere you’re going has power?

          1. Piling on but close to 200,000 people have evacuated and probably are in or need your hotel room. I’d reschedule nonessential travel right now.

    5. I’m on the way to the airport (west coast) in an Uber that is clean and the driver is playing some awesome 1950s jazz, but not too loud. Every Monday should be this way.

    6. Oh, I so support this proposal.

      Every time I travel, I try to will into being a rule that no one talks in the airport, but it hasn’t happened yet.

    8. Would also like to add (for Mondays and forevermore) no Doodle polls with 2,039,208,430,283 time options.

  4. When I was at a law firm, we had lots of pro bono affiliate projects available. Now that I moved in-house, I am looking for remote pro bono opportunities. Any suggestions? I’m open to policy work or whatever else can be useful, but court appearances will likely be tough with my work schedule.

    2. Our Legal Aid has evening hotlines for people to call with one-off, fairly simple questions (whether they can be legally evicted under certain circumstances, if their employer has violated a wage payment act, etc.). They also have clinics to help veterans with free will drafting (training provided). Volunteers in my state are covered under LA’s malpractice policy, too. Maybe something like that is available in your area.

    3. I started doing fee/ethical dispute resolution through my state bar as my pro bono for that reason (and to avoid conflicts) and it worked so well that I continued doing it even after I went to private practice. Everything except for the actual (and usually single) mediation/arbitration hearing per proceeding can be done remote after initial training and I have a lot of flexibility to schedule those hearings. Note that I was able to get buy-in for the training because it involved an annual free ADR seminar through the state bar or a NITA affiliate and my employer thought that training would be useful generally.

    4. Your outside counsel would likely be THRILLED to do pro bono with you. If you work with any big firms, take a look at their pro bono and see if there’s anything you’d like to get involved with.

    5. We have partnered with law firms on pro bono projects. It helps clients get to know their firms better and allows for coverage if in house counsel gets too busy (as there are often very finite resources in in house departments).

  5. Talk to me about carpet cleaning. I’ve been in my house for 5 years and the carpeted stairs and basement are looking a little worse for wear. I’m also starting to notice all the pet stains I’ve cleaned up by hand that I apparently didn’t get out perfectly. I think it’s time for a deep clean. My regular cleaning service doesn’t offer carpet cleaning and I’ve never had this done before. Is this something I can do myself – if I rent a carpet cleaning thingy will Home Depot deliver it and pick it up? Alternatively, tips on hiring a service? Do I need to be in the house when they’re doing it? How long does it take to dry?

    1. Every year or three I rent a carpet cleaning machine from Lowes for about $35. I pick it up and drop it off at the store, but it’s only a little larger than a regular vacuum cleaner and fits in my trunk. It takes most of a weekend to do my whole house, but it’s so satisfying, and not rocket science to use. I always get the upholstery attachments for stairs and the fabric couch, and it also works miracles on my fabric car seats.

    2. We own a carpet cleaner and also have our carpets professionally cleaned, and they both serve a purpose but they are not remotely equal in quality. We use the carpet cleaner to spot clean terrible pet messes (like when one of our dogs vomited yellow goo in 5 different places on our landing and it wasn’t worth cleaning by hand) and to touch up our rugs in between professional cleanings. We get a professional cleaning done about once per year and it is so much better than our DIY job. We hire the same guy my parents have been using for 20 years, but if it was a strange company I would not leave them alone in my house. It typically takes about 24 hours to dry.

      1. Agree with all of this. Home carpet cleaning is okay for spots or touch-ups between professional cleanings but professional cleanings are different ballgame entirely. TBH I feel like five years is a long time to go without getting the carpets professionally cleaned, especially if you have pets or people in the house have allergies – we get ours done once a year, minimum, and it both helps the carpet look better and helps cut down on allergens. We use Stanley Steemer because they seem to get the carpets cleaner than other companies we’ve tried. They use steam and it does take longer for the carpets to dry, but we’re in the West so for us it’s maybe 8-12 hours.

        Part of what I hate about carpet (just one of many reasons) is the need for maintenance you can’t really do yourself. The last time I had the carpet in our house cleaned and deodorized, it cost $400.

    3. You can rent a carpet cleaning machine at a grocery or home improvement store for around $30 (plus their special cleaning fluid and upholstery attachments, if you want that). It has a handle that folds down and can easily fit in a trunk or on a seat in your car. It’s a bit of a pain to push and pull around while cleaning and takes a lot longer than vacuuming because you have to go slowly, but it does make a difference. I live in a dry climate and it took maybe 12 hours for the floors to dry.

    4. The DIY rental machines don’t do as good a job as a professional service, and the carpet doesn’t dry as quickly.

    5. I have done both and I think it is worth it to have it professionally done. In my area, I was able to get three rooms done for about $150.

    6. The issue with a professional service (well, potential issue anyway) is that they generally want whatever rooms they’re servicing to be 100% free of furniture, so prepping for a service might be tricky. If you do it yourself, you *should* move most of your furniture but you have control over what gets moved for cleaning and what doesn’t. I think most places that rent rug doctors have you come pick them up. I should probably do this for my apartment, most of our rooms have wall-to-wall carpeting (as in, every room but the kitchen and bathroom).

      I’m also wondering what products we should have around the apartment for more routine cleaning. We have a stick vacuum, but maybe we need an upright vacuum with carpet beaters. What else? Carpet rake? Shampoo? High-traffic foam? Should we invest in some kind of cleaning machine?

      1. “The issue with a professional service (well, potential issue anyway) is that they generally want whatever rooms they’re servicing to be 100% free of furniture, so prepping for a service might be tricky.”
        This hasn’t ever been the case for us. Generally the service asks that all small items/clothes, etc. are up off the floor but I’ve never been asked to move large furniture to get the carpets cleaned; they tend to lift things as they go and put blocks underneath furniture feet to hold it up off the ground while the carpet dries. If there’s something they don’t want to (or can’t) move, I just tell them not to worry about it (we have an antique buffet they never clean under because it’s too heavy to move; I don’t care that that 2 by 4 foot area that is completely underneath the furniture and not visible to anyone hasn’t been cleaned).

        1. Sorry, my bad, when my mom and dad wanted to get theirs cleaned the service they contacted wanted all the furniture moved, and it was dumb of me to assume that was a universal thing. Should have done my research.

      2. I had my carpet professionally cleaned about once every year, and it also wasn’t my experience that all the furniture had to be out of the rooms. Either they didn’t clean under something if it couldn’t be moved, or they’d move it around a bit as they were cleaning.

        As for what to have on hand for routine cleaning, I have a canister vacuum (Shark!), a handheld (also Shark), and a Roomba. The Roomba runs 4 days per week (two adults who don’t wear shoes inside and no pets), but it doesn’t go into two of the rooms because there are too many cords and other Roomba hazards. I use the handheld for cars and random messes. When we had hardwoods/rugs that was plenty. Now that we have carpeted bedrooms, we use the canister vac every couple of weeks on the rooms that don’t get the Roomba treatment. I also have some carpet stain remover just in case.

    7. how old are your carpets? When my carpets were newer, I hired a pro to clean them every year….as they carpets got older and more worn and potentially stained, I used my own machine (you can get one at Kohl’s or Target for $150 or less) and cleaned them myself as frequently as I wanted….its not hard….open the windows on a fall day and they dry overnight

      1. I replaced the carpets when I bought the house, so they’re about 5 years old.

        I’m so surprised to hear that most people do this every year! I’m definitely behind the curve – thanks for teaching me another lesson about homeownership. It’s just me and my cat, I don’t wear shoes in the house, and my main floor is hardwood; all that excuses my apparent grossness, right?

        2. There are a lot of factors that go into how often to clean carpets. I always thought the once a year thing was overkill for us (no kids, no pets, never wear shoes inside, always wear slippers).

    8. If you diy, use little to no soap. It’s hard to rinse out and the residue attracts dirt.

  6. You all have such good travel advice, help me choose a summer vacation destination? I’m planning to go solo for now, but a newish-but-getting-serious boy will join me if things continue to go as well as they are (don’t worry, this wouldn’t be our first trip). I/we like good food, nice hotels, museums, and pretty architecture, but also enjoy the countryside and hikes that can be comfortably finished in a day (so, not an 8+ hour hike). I’m cool with driving or public transit. I loved Iceland and Amsterdam, as examples. I do not care for hot weather. We’ll have two week. I’ve narrowed it down to (and he’s good with any of these options):

    1. Denmark/Sweden
    2. Germany and maybe a few days in Belgium
    3. Switzerland/Austria

    Thoughts about which trip to tackle next?

      1. Yep, agree with Denmark and Copenhagen. Fly into Copenhagen. The city is great – walking, busses, or water tour. Maybe rent a bike. Take the train to visit Odense on Fyn (island), which is Hans Christian Andersen’s hometown. See Hamlet’s Castle – Kronborg. Take the ferry from Copenhagen to Sweden and see Lund. Then drive or take a train to Stockholm. Stockholm also has a good water tour and great museums on the waterfront like the Vasamuseet. The Royal Palace is good too. Walk around Gamla Stan (Old Town) and the parks. I was in Copenhagen twice in July and it was glorious both times.

    2. Fly into Zurich to see city and hiking nearby (3 days), train or drive to Bregenz for Opera on the lake and Vorarlberg architecture (2-3 days) . Train/drive to Innsbruck – hiking and yummy food (3 days) – stop near Lech-Zurs for hiking on the way between Bregenz and Innsbruck, train to vienna – 3-5 days Vienna with maybe a daytrip to Budapest.

      It’s a bit of moving around but I think worthwhile. But I’m biased because DH and I fell in love in Innsbruck and Vienna.

    3. I would do Germany and Austria. Switzerland is great too, but I think the other two have better combinations of both culture and mountains/outdoors/nature. You could do a great trip consisting of Munich, Berchtesgaden, Salzburg, and Vienna in that timeframe.

    4. So with the caveat that I’m not a huge fan of food in countriea east or north of Germany, I would choose #2. You will have good food in Belgium, Antwerp and Bruges are cute and romantic destinations, and a good mix of sightseeing and chilling with somewhat similar vibe to Amsterdam. For architecture and museums I really loved Berlin and Hamburg and Cologne. Excellent public transit options all around, with the option to rent bikes for day trips nearby or around the city if that’s your jam. I have the impression that Switzerland and Austria are more heavy hikes, although the lakes are beautiful and you could find some cool art museums in Vienna.

    5. The Black Forest area in Germany? Charming towns and lots of hiking options. Can go by train or driving or both. Easy to swing down to Switzerland (Basel) or France (Strasbourg & Colmar).

    6. How about:
      (1) Copenhagen
      (2) Italy – Amalfi coast – I’m not sure if it will be too hot for your liking, but it’s got great architecture, food, day hikes along the coast, and as romantic as it gets. I’d fly into Rome, spend a few days wandering there, and head south for a full week. The weather may be better along the Monaco / Genoa / northern Italian coast.
      (3) London for 5 days, followed by the UK countryside – a not-too-ambitious regional driving tour that allows for day strolls in the countryside

  7. Has anyone used Zeel or Soothe to book an in-home massage in NYC? How was the experience? Do you prefer one over the other? Woke up at like 4 am with horrible neck/shoulder spasms and can’t get off the couch. Wondering if having someone come here and poke at it would help…

    1. My mom is a subscriber and gets Zeel massages twice per month due to very painful arthritis in her hips and knees. She absolutely loves it, particularly when she’s having a hard time moving and doesn’t want to get in the car and go somewhere. I’ve had one massage from Zeel as well (as a gift from my mom) and enjoyed it. It’s definitely not the same experience as if you go to a spa obviously, but they typically arrive on time, set up the table wherever you would like (we usually set up in the living room), and will play soft music while they’re working. Everyone we’ve used has been extremely professional. All-in-all, I’d say it’s a good service if you’re just looking for pain relief and not the spa experience!

  8. Any specific recommendations for a Nordstrom personal shopper in Dallas?

  9. Upcoming interview will include a behavioral/fit interview with the CEO (I would not be a direct report, but would report to someone who is). Any suggestions for great questions to have ready to ask him? I feel good about being prepared for the interview itself, and have a couple standard questions on strategy and long term vision. TIA!

    1. I”d ask how does the CEO view your department’s role in the mission of the company. might offer some insight as to how he views that group’s function within the organization.

    2. CEO pay has risen 940% since 1978, while average employee pay has risen 12% over the same time period; how do you feel about this disparity?

      1. Oh yes, it’s always good to find a way to sanctimoniously proclaim your wokeness in a job interview with a powerful person.

        2. Sure, but dismissing every (totally valid) critique of society as “wokeness” isn’t much better. You’re clearly soooo much better than those of us who actually care.

          1. I’m sorry you’re having a rough Monday and feel like this the way you want to handle it – picking fights with anonymous strangers on the Internet. The OP asked a very valid question given that this is a website for “overachieving chicks.” You gave an answer that was not helpful and not appropriate for her situation. You got called out for it, and doubled down with an equally inappropriate snarky straw-man response. Maybe quit while you’re ahead next time? Or go take a walk or something; get some fresh air. Hugs. Hope your day gets better.

      2. That figure is only for CEOs at the 350 largest companies in America. Not that it makes it good economic policy (see: wework), but you actually sound like a fool if this guy is pulling in much less compared to normal workers.

        Beyond that, if it’s a publicly traded company, compensation is public record. Possibly find that out before mentioning salary.

    3. Man there is a lot of anger and baiting on the board these days.

      In a job interview with someone at that level, I’d focus around organizational strategy or culture and give them a chance to focus on feel-good areas. Things like:
      -Vision for the organization
      -Ways the organization supports long term goals while remaining agile
      -Mission-related aspects–what got the person interested and what keeps them passionate. How is this passion shared and cultivated with others
      -Proudest impacts made to date and how that’s shaping future vision
      –

  10. Does anyone have experience with the brand Tucker NYC? Which pieces do you like? Considering buying a dress or top with some birthday money, and love that everything is pure silk. Thanks!

    1. They’re one of my favorite brands, I’ve had good luck with all the pieces I’ve purchased from them. It’s all silk, so it does wrinkle a bit if you travel with it.

  11. Anyone here suffer from Crohn’s or colitis? I’m looking for anecdata about what medications have worked for you.

    I just got diagnosed with Crohn’s colitis after suffering from a bad bacterial infection at age 41. My doctor had me on Lialda while I waited for my colonoscopy. It improved my symptoms greatly, but after the biopsy results, my GI put me on Prednisone. As my dosage tapers down, my GI is already asking me to consider going straight to a biologic like Remicade. I’m concerned about the elevated cancer risks, not to mention the time consideration of monthly IV infusions.

    Overall I thought I’d undergo more of a trial and error with medication instead of going straight to the most extreme solution. Has anyone had a similar experience?

    1. I watched my mother basically starve to death because of a similar situation, because she couldn’t take biologics for other reason. Steroids have terrible side effects. Be glad your doctor is taking this seriously.

    2. Not sure about Crohn’s particularly, but in MS (also autoimmune) there’s a move to hit the disease hard early on to mitigate the potential for future damage. Old-school neuro’s still titrate up from weaker drugs (or insurance companies require it). Better neuro’s start out tough. You might see if a similar dynamic is at play in Crohn’s.

      1. Do you have MS? I do, and my neuro started me on a drug he’d knew I’d fail on. This was to prove to the insurance company that we tried a frontline therapy and needed to move onto one of the of the stronger drugs. I’m 7 years in and relapse-free! By the way, always interested in connecting with other career-oriented women dealing with MS

    3. I don’t have those conditions, but I have another immune condition requiring monthly infusions and I think you’re right to consider the impact on your life. Would the infusions need to be in an infusion center or could you do them at home? I can do them at home and that makes a big difference for acceptability (although the learning curve was steep). I also adopted a “watch and wait” approach for a while before beginning treatment – idk if that would work for you given your specific condition, but I found it helpful to have time to consider my options before jumping into a more “extreme” treatment. You could also get a second opinion if you haven’t already. I didn’t start infusions until I had a second opinion from an expert panel.

      1. The infusions would have to be at the doctor’s during business hours. It’s a lot to process all at once, but of course, will do whatever it takes.

    4. Hi! I have Crohns and there are a bunch of us here who have IBD. We actually started an email chain of people from this page but it is not very active right now. You can email me at projectmundaneart @ gmail and I’ll connect you to everyone else.

      I was diagnosed in 2005 but sick for many years before that. I did Asacol then Pentasa. For a flare I used Endocort which is a steroid just for the gut but I still had to taper when I came off of it. The thing that helped me the most was going gluten and dairy free. It definitely does not work for everyone with IBD but I went into both clinical and symptomatic remission when I made those changes. I also realized I’m allergic to avocados with severe GI reactions to those.

      Some docs go the top down method (strongest drugs first then taper to weakest) and others start with the weakest and work their way up. I prefer the bottom up approach personally and have thus far avoided biologics, but clinically, I have a very mild case of Crohns. I have pretty severe symptoms but my test results weren’t that bad. I have another scope later this week so I’m knocking wood as I say that.

      Another thing I have tried for flares is an approach more commonly used in the UK. There, they prescribe these shakes called Modulen. You can’t get them in the US but I make my own. I basically go on a liquid diet for a few days and then a light diet after that. I’ve gotten myself through a few flares without steroids that way – essentially going on gut rest.

      Definitely do a lot of research, ask a lot of questions, and don’t be afraid to do some trial and error while you are figuring it all out.

    5. Not a person, but a large dog with the same illness. Budesonide (Entocort) was life-changing for us and gave a year of good quality of life when I’d have otherwise had to put him down or increase dosages of other meds to the point where they’d have killed him.
      He had no side effects and it gave a total relief of symptoms in his very old age. At the time, it wasn’t available in generic and was approx $300 month but was worth it for the great quality of life improvement we experienced.

      1. I just have to tell you, I read this in the voice of your dog due to the way you worded your first sentence! Good dog!!

        1. He was a good dog :-) I have a close relative now who is so similar it’s scary, but thankfully her autoimmune weirdness (which seems to run in that line) is manifesting itself in a much more benign way – a very treatable eye condition.

    6. I would insist on a full informed consent discussion with the doctor–all treatment options and risks and benefits of each, plus a discussion of your preferences and reasoning. If you aren’t satisfied with the resulting plan, get a second opinion.

      In a similar situation, I pushed back against the doctor’s initial suggestion of an aggressive treatment, and he listened to my concerns, quickly backed off of the aggressive option, and suggested another option that fit better with my risk preferences and ended up working well.

    7. My husband has Chrons and uses humors, which he injevts himself every week. It seems to help a lot, along with dietary restrictions.

      1. *Humira
        Not trying to be a jerk, but just clarifying for OP to have the right name to look into

    8. I have Crohn’s. Remicade put me in remission and has kept me there for over 5 years, after Pentasa, Entocort, and Prednisone did nothing. And once you’re on a maintenance does typically it’s every 8 weeks, not every month, unless 8 weeks isn’t cutting it ( I do go every 4 weeks but that’s unusual). Find an infusion center that’s open weekends – I go on Saturday mornings – rather than a doctor’s office open only during business hours. That helps a ton with the time commitment. My infusion center has comfy recliners, wifi, snacks, TV, a Keurig, etc. and it’s really not a terrible 2.5 hours.

      1. Also, there are a host of newer biologics that are more “targeted” and maybe safer as far as the cancer risk and etc. Entyvio is one. I learned about several at an IBD patient conference last year. My doc wants me to stay on Remicade as long as it works because a particular biologic can stop working eventually and they don’t want to switch to a different one while the current is still working and thus take one out of the finite arsenal so to speak. But they sounded like great options.

    9. My cousin has Chron’s and had great success with Remicade, and then Humira. He also used Kratom (Cratom?) for pain relief and swears by it. But his case was so severe he ultimately got Rx opium (this was several years before the opioid crisis was in the news). Cratom was the last and most effective treatment we’d spoken about. Not sure what he’s doing now.

    10. I’m going into mod with every comment, so I want to thank you all at once for your advice!

    12. One other issue is your financial situation – I believe Remicade is making lists of “top 10 most expensive drugs” and so on. Do you have good insurance coverage?

      1. Remicade is expensive but the manufacturer has a program that if you have insurance makes it cost $5. I hit my deductible with the first infusion of the year and then pay the bill with my Janssen CarePath debit card so I don’t pay anything out of pocket apart from the $5.

    13. What about Humira? It is subcutaneous and can be administered at home? If you are outside the US, you can get a biosimilar.

    1. They look cute! I wouldn’t turn my nose up at having a nylon (stretch, I presume) back, even at this price point. Probably won’t work as well (be smooth) if you intend to wear over pants, but will nicely accommodate large calves with a tights/skirt combo.

    2. You can find Stuart Weitzman knee high boots often on sale at Nordstrom Rack or Saks off Fifth. You can also get them on sale sometimes during the shopbop sale. I have so many pairs of SW boots b/c I buy one pair each season and they last forever! They are also very comfortable and come in a wide range of sizes. If you buy them through SW directly (online or in store) they will stretch any part of the boot (toe box, instep, shaft) for free.

    3. For $500, you should absolutely love them. If you don’t, return them and keep looking.

    4. Well, since you asked… those don’t look like $500 boots to me. If they fit you exceedingly well, they might be worth keeping because Paul Green makes high quality shoes — but I’d be concerned about how the nylon would wear. Boden has several different knee high black boot options this year, including a stretch suede that looks good, for ~1/2 the price.

  13. What are your favorite cozy clothes for hanging around the house on a chilly fall/winter day?

    1. The Aerie plush hoodie dress with leggings, my Hello Kitty onesie, a giant (XL) Saints sweatshirt, fuzzy socks with grippers so I don’t wipe out on the hardwood floors.

    2. Victoria’s Secret yoga pants and a t-shirt that fits just right and is made of soft material. Our apartment gets pretty hot so there’s generally no need for socks or a hoodie.

    4. Costco leggings and a crew neck sweatshirt from a local brewery is basically what I wear from Friday evening – Sunday night.

    5. Lululemon on the fly pant. The 7/8 version is the perfect length for me at 5’6″

  14. Can anyone share their experience of going back to grad school after 5-10 years of working a six-figure job? Such as an MBA or MPA? My work is offering the opportunity to a select few to attend grad school for 1-2 years. It will sponsor tuition and some living expenses (to the tune of $2500/month), and is dangling the opportunity in front of us exhausted mid-level employees as a “sabbatical” of sorts.

    While it won’t dramatically improve compensation or job prospects immediately, I could really use a break and have been shortlisted for the program. I like school, mostly. And an MBA probably isn’t a terrible idea given my field (endgame for me would be senior management in my or some other company). I will need to come back to my company right after graduation, which is fine. I’m just worried about the lifestyle changes it will entail, whether it will set back my retirement goals, and how I should budget. So mostly, about money.

    My most recent salary was $100k after tax/retirement/health insurance, and I spend about 65k annually on rent ($15k), travel ($10k), transportation ($5k), dining out, groceries and other living expenses ($25k), and supporting parents’ living expenses ($10k). I do have $60k saved up so could live off my savings in addition to the living cost supplement, except I’ve always tried to save more and the idea is not so appealing to me. I’m single, 34, and have a completely inutile master’s degree from a different liberal arts field.

    I found the previous post a few years ago on budgeting for going back to school quite helpful. I would appreciate any other advice or thoughts!

    1. So you’ll be paid 30k a year, plus free school. You’d certainly need to stop most travel, move somewhere cheaper, stop supporting your parents, and stop any real savings. I wouldn’t do it unless you were really confident of the return.

    2. I left a 6 figure job to get an MBA, but had only been working for 3 years, so a little different than your experience. It was a tough financial adjustment for me, since I am very oriented around earning/saving and dislike risk. There’s no question that it’s improved my (already pretty good) salary trajectory, but that’s largely because I switched companies after school. I think sponsored paths are awesome, generally. That being said, I’ve seen some of my friends experience a change in company policy while they were in school without being grandfathered into the original agreement – this has been typically around how long they have to stay at their company post-MBA (also make sure that your sponsorship applies to any role you might take within the company, not just a return to your current role). I’d also be concerned that if there were layoffs, you could be at risk. If I was planning to stay at my company long term but wanted a mini-sabbatical/personal development, I would push hard to go to part time employment + sponsored part time MBA, which would mitigate some of those risks, allow me to keep earning, but also not make it totally on my own free time since I’d be working fewer hours. Note that an MBA is not academically challenging, but can be quite logistically challenging given the amount of team work – you’ll be trying to coordinate 4-6 schedules and 4-6 different levels of commitment… that becomes a little bit easier in executive programs where people tend to be more focused and efficient.

    3. I’m considering this for a different masters, but the difference is that I currently live on what your stipend would be. For me the downside would be not saving much if anything for 2 years, and switching to a student health insurance plan (that would be paid for by the grant) rather than my current really good staff insurance.

    4. Assuming you want an MBA, this seems like a great option. But, in your situation, I would commit to living on the provided living expense and not to eat up my savings to cover living expenses. Not adding to your savings for a 2 year period isn’t that big of a deal to me in this situation, but using long-term savings to cover living expenses instead of cutting your expenses is.

    5. “dining out, groceries and other living expenses ($25k)”

      You spend about $1,200 a month on rent, so you’re probably not living in a very HCOL area. Can you drill down and figure out why these other living expenses are eating up such a large portion of your budget?

      1. Eh, my mortgage is $1300 and I spend well over $2k/month on this category. It includes a lot of miscellaneous items that you’re probably not thinking of (like utilities?). She can afford it, so I don’t see what the big deal is. Takeout food in a HCOL area is about the same as takeout food in a LCOL, it’s really housing where there’s a dramatic difference, so I think if you live in a LCOL area you’ll spend relatively more on living expenses than housing.

        1. No, I factored that in. My husband and I spend just over half that for electric, water, cable, Internet, cell, car insurance, gas, groceries, and eating out, and that’s for two people.

          Regardless, graduate students should probably figure out a budget (in a not VHCOL area) that is less than $40k a year, after taxes, plus health insurance.

          1. Well congrats on being very frugal, but I don’t think that’s the norm at all. My utilities alone are $500/month in a (very) LCOL area.

          2. If that’s the case, you need to call your utility and request an energy audit (most municipalities do it for free). $500/month in an LCOL area is really high – to the point that you may well have something leaking/broken unless you know you’re intentionally causing it (ie mining bitcoin, growing pot, keeping a huge hobby aquarium, or some other energy intensive hobby).

          3. This isn’t actually about you, Anon. The OP is slated to spend $90k on living expenses while getting her MBA (she also allocated $5k to transportation), but her company would give her $60,000 (presuming they also give her living expenses over the summer). I’m assuming that $60k is tax free, but that may not be the case.

            Add in family support ($20k), and she’s basically eaten up all of her savings with that budget.

          4. It’s not all one energy obviously. It’s energy, heating, water, trash/recycling, cable, internet, phone bill and home alarm system. My energy company tells me we’re actually more energy-efficient than our neighbors. My point was just that someone who is spending $2k/month on this category of expenses is not spending $2k at restaurants and the grocery store every month because there are a lot of other things that go into that category. It’s very normal in my low cost of living area to spend ~$1k/month on housing and $2k/month on all the miscellaneous expenses that go into living.

          5. I get that it’s all utilities, but I live in a city that’s known for high utilities (heck it’s >$80/month just for access fees before a meter even turns) and temps in the upper 90s from May through October. Even my friends who live in big houses don’t have those kinds of bills unless something’s broken.

          6. What exactly do you think is broken? My gas (heating) bill is close to $100 in the winter, very low in the summer. My energy bill is around $100 in the summer, very low in the winter. My cable and internet is $150, my cell phone is over $100, my trash is over $50, my water is close to $50, my home security is $50. All of this seems very normal to me for a single family home in a place with cold winters and hot summers. Like I said, I know for a fact I use less energy than average (the statement tells me my use, average use and “efficient use” in my neighborhood – I’m always below average, close to efficient). I get that this is not super relevant to OP’s decision whether or not to go to graduate school, but this insistence that something is wrong with me or my house seems very odd.

          7. Ah, I never thought of cable, cell & home security as utilities! Maybe that varies regionally? I dunno.
            I couldn’t for the life of me imagine anyone being okay with electric/gas/water/sewer/trash being >$500/month.

          8. Anon at 3:01 PM, what are you spending another $1,500 a month on, then? (The OP factored in another $5,000 a year for transportation, which I would take to mean car payment, insurance, gas.)

            Back to the OP; she is spending $15k a year on rent, $5k a year on transportation, $25k a year on groceries/utilities, and some other amount on health insurance. I assure you that people can make ends meet on far less than $45k a year post-tax. The OP should figure out how to cut back on those expenses – with the $2,000/month “miscellaneous” being the most obvious choice – so that she doesn’t blow through her entire savings while in grad school.

          9. Anon at 3:26, I never said it was impossible to cut back. I just said that I think it’s very common to spend far more on miscellaneous living expenses than you do on rent/mortgage, especially in a low cost of living area. Housing (and associated expenses like property taxes and maybe insurance) vary a lot with cost of living; things like groceries and meals out do not, in my experience, and things like outsourcing may actually cost more in LCOL areas due to decreased demand and less people willing to work for very low wages (I’ve lived in Boston, the Bay Area and the rural Midwest, for reference).
            To answer your question, besides the utilities I listed and groceries/restaurants, I spend money on the following things that don’t fit in the transportation, travel or rent categories: life insurance, homeowner’s/renters insurance, property taxes (wouldn’t apply to a renter though), shopping for clothes and household items, outsourcing (like a cleaning service, mowing or snow removal), entertainment, charitable donations, personal upkeep (haircuts etc), gifts for friends and family, healthcare (not just premiums, but all the out-of-pocket costs) and house upkeep like annual furnace inspections and repairs as necessary (this one can vary from minor to huge). That’s just what I thought of off the top of my head, I’m sure there are some others. Obviously some of that stuff like outsourcing is optional and is a natural place to cut back as a student. But I think it’s very easy to spend $2k on “misc” even living in a very LCOL area.

    6. I would do it for a high-quality MBA (e.g. Wharton, Duke, Columbia, UNBerkeley ) or the best ranked one in your local area (e.g. UWashington, UNC or Georgetown) where you can make the most advantageous networking connections. Live frugally – limit travel, eating out, wardrobe purchases and only take out of savings to support your parents or emergencies. I think it’s a fantastic opportunity if you are an exhausted mid-level in need of a semi-sabbatical, especially if you can use it in your field. I went back for an MBA but I did part-time, employer paid so did not stop working but if I could have done it like your opportunity, I would have.

      1. This. I think the details of your industry and the specifics of the degree make a difference here.

        I did something similar (only I paid for it all myself) and I went into the degree program making $150k. I graduated two years ago and got a job making three times that. (I went to a top-three MBA program.) It has absoluately been a good move for my career and my family’s finances in the long term.

        I also had a few friends be sponsored similar to what you are describing. Several of them ended up leaving their companies prior to the completion of their repayment period and none of their companies tried to claw back any of the tuition dollars. Not saying that you should plan for this, but wanted to provide some relevant anecdata.

  15. Need personal relationship advice.

    I’ve been married almost 10 years. I’m 35 and my husband is 38. He really wants to start a family and has wanted to for a long time but I’ve always kicked the can on the issue because I’ve never felt “ready”. However, the last few years when he brings up kids I feel like cringing. I don’t know why or what is going on but I feel uncomfortable when he brings it up. The thing is, I love other peoples’ kids and I do want to be a mother some day. I have tried talking to him about it but we haven’t made any progress. Should I talk to someone professionally? Should I go alone or should my husband and I go together? Who would be the right kind of therapist to deal with this issue – a marriage therapist? Please help. I am worried that if I don’t deal with this now, I’ll miss the opportunity to have kids. Also, if anyone has dealt with anything similar, insight would be appreciated!

    1. I mean, yeah, you’re kind of reaching the “now or never” point. I would look for an individual therapist to process your feelings and figure out where your hesitation is coming from, particularly since you said you do want to become a parent. And that’s OK! Parenthood is a huge life change at any point but it sounds like exploring on your own isn’t getting you any closer to peace or clarity.

    2. If it’s financially an option and will give you peace of mind, can you freeze embryos first while you figure this out? Also, no personal experience but I found CBT to be effective in looking into the workings of my own mind. Not sure if it’s more helpful to have DH together in the sessions, maybe others can weigh in.

      1. Fertility isn’t the only reason to have kids young. The infant/toddler years are exhausting and you generally have a lot more energy at 35 than 40 or 45. Also, the later you have kids, the less time you’ll have with them and they with you, and the less active stuff you’ll be able to do with them. I’m not saying having a kid at 40 is awful but it doesn’t seem like an optimal choice for someone who found their partner ~15 years before that.
        Fwiw I had my kids in mid-30s after being married almost 10 years. I loved being older, settled financially and that I got some bucket list travel out of the way. But many of my kids have friends with grandparents not much older than me (a generation is 20 years in my area), and I do see a really big energy level difference between the parents who had kids at 25 and me. And when I think about the fact that I will be 70ish before my kids contemplate kids (unless they have them a lot younger than I did) I get very sad. Most of my friends will be grandparents by 50 and I think we can all agree 50 and 70 are very different in terms of energy level – and then their grandkids will have their grandparents for a lot longer. So yeah. I regret not having kids younger, even though I had no fertility problems.

        1. That should read “many of my kids’ friends have grandparents..”. I do not have “many” kids (just two, lol).

        2. As someone who is 46, I have to say that the idea of being a grandparent at 50 makes me sad. I cannot even imagine.

          1. Why is it sad? I certainly wouldn’t pressure my kids into having kids young, and wouldn’t want them to put their career/life goals on hold to do so, but if I’d gotten my act together younger and my kids felt ready for kids in their 20s, I’d be delighted to be a young grandparent. It’s more of your grandkids’ lives that you can participate in. I probably won’t see my grandkids graduate college and probably won’t ever be chasing them around on the playground and that makes me kind of sad.

          4. What’s sad is the belief that youth should last indefinitely.

            Being a grandparent at 50 isn’t sad: it just means that two generations met and married their college sweethearts and started a family shortly thereafter. Plenty of people actually prefer this route, because they are done with childbearing in their late 20s, the wife gets a graduate degree and gets hired on around age 30 and has a long, uninterrupted career, and the parents are empty-nesting by their mid-40s.

    3. To be blunt, if you want to be a mother someday, you should pull the goalie now. You’re 35, have been married a decade, and very few people ever feel completely ready. I say this as someone who conceived very easily twice post-35, so I’m not as much of a fear mmonger about fertility as some, but I still don’t see any upside to waiting in your shoes.
      (If you don’t actually want to be a mother, that’s of course valid, but that’s not what you said.)

      1. Right. It’s long past time. If you aren’t even comfortable discussing it that’s a massive marriage ending problem.

      2. Sorry if this was not clear in my OP but I feel like part of my hesitation comes from having kids with HIM. And I don’t know why. He’d be a great dad, I have no question about that. I guess I just feel like something is….missing. I don’t know what is going on.

        1. Ouchhhhh. You need to do a lot better than this. Sorry, but you’re stringing him along. Go to therapy alone to figure out what it is you’re trying to say and then say it.

        2. You need to figure out ASAP what you want and end it with him if you don’t want to be with him. Men can have kids forever in the biological sense, but a lot of guys don’t want to be “old dads” and he’s almost 40. It’s really unfair to keep stringing him along when you know you’re not sure about the marriage.

        3. I responded below. This was me. Ultimately, I realized I just wasn’t in love with him and my feelings towards him were very platonic. It was.. not a good period in my life but I am much happier now single (at 36) with the possibility of falling in love and having kids (or not) with that person, than I was when I was married to someone I cared about as a person, but didn’t love and couldn’t imagine having children with.

        4. Oh yikes, I think you need to divorce him. It’s the kindest option for both of you. He deserves better and so do you.

        5. Dude, you don’t want to be married to this guy. Do both of you a favor and admit it!

        6. This was 100% me. Listen to your own instincts. I left my marriage 7 months ago because I came to this realization. It is a BIG deal. Don’t try to convince yourself otherwise. It’s messy, but if you want kids, you deserve to be a in loving relationship with the right partner to raise them. Life is short. Don’t waste it.

      4. On the other hand, I felt similarly to OP prior to having a kid (though I was younger), decided to do what you suggest and got pregnant. Almost immediately after having my kid, I realized that I was unhappily married, and got divorced when my kid was 2. In hindsight, my hesitation on the kid question was entirely because I knew but refused to admit that my marriage was over. I’m so happy that I had my kiddo, and being a divorced parent is working quite well for me actually, but rationally, I realize that pursuing therapy at that time would have been a better course of action than getting pregnant.

        1. You’re right, I didn’t think of that aspect. I was assuming she was like me and just dawdling about kids because it was the parenthood thing itself that was intimidating. I didn’t even think of the marriage aspect, which OP confirmed is actually the case.

    4. Yes, deal with it now. Yes, go to therapy. I’d start off alone, since you “cringe” and don’t know why. (I’m guessing you do have some ideas of why, but they’re not ones that you’ve totally surfaced yet.) Add your husband in when the therapist recommends.

      And yes, do it now. Then you can DECIDE whether to have kids, rather than not having them simply through indecision.

      I’d start off with whatever therapist fits your background — if you came from an abusive or traumatic family, start with that kind of therapist. If your marriage is rocky, start with a marriage therapist. Otherwise, just start with someone, and make the switch to a different person if needed.

      1. “Then you can DECIDE whether to have kids, rather than not having them simply through indecision.”

        Yes, this. Your indecision is a decision, but it’s one that is done passively and in a way that will probably harm your marriage.

    6. After 10 years, it sounds like you don’t want to have kids but feel like you should want to have kids. There is nothing wrong ethically, morally, or whatever -ly about not wanting kids. There is wrong in stringing along your husband into thinking you might have kids. The kindest thing to do would be to let him go so he can find someone with the same life goals as himself, especially while he is still young.
      What you’re doing by flip flopping and toeing the line until your fertility starts dropping is borderline cruel. Don’t wait for nature to force a decision upon you then have a resentful husband who makes your life he** and vice versa.

      1. Yes throw him back in the pond for those of us who are 36 and very ready for kids tmrw.

    7. Definitely talk to a therapist. I don’t think anyone ever feels 100% ready but if you aren’t even wanting to think about trying after being married for ten years then either you don’t want kids or there is something else going on.

      It’s okay to not want kids. But if you do want kids, you don’t have a ton of time left if you want to avoid invasive fertility treatments. And in fairness to your DH, if you decide you don’t want kids, you need to tell him asap.

    8. I think therapy can be all sorts of helpful when you are feeling that you are out of sorts with your life/goals. So, I’d probably start with some individual therapy and figure out what your feelings are. Then you can bring your husband into the conversation as needed.
      I’d encourage you to explore what being “ready” means. Yes, there may be times that are better than others-for many people it’s stability and security in relationship/employment/housing/finances. Therapy can help you identity if there are concrete steps to address any concerns about those. But I don’t believe in some light switch moment of being ready for kids. It may help to remember that the process of becoming a parent moves slowly for many people. Even if you get pregnant tomorrow, you still have months to prepare for a baby. You don’t have to figure out what middle school your kid needs to be in. It’s okay to not have an entire life plan mapped out for your hypothetical family. You don’t have run through every possible scenario and know how you want to handle it in advance, there’s plenty of opportunity to figure it out along the way.

    9. It sounds like you don’t actually want kids. Generally when someone procrastinates about something for 10 years it’s because deep down they don’t want to do that thing. It’s telling that the idea of kids is becoming more unappealing to you; it’s not as if you’re warming up to the idea and you just want to meet X goal first. I think you really have to take a hard look at what you want out of life and be honest with yourself about whether children is something you actually want. It’s ok to be childfree! But you owe it to yourself and your husband to figure this out sooner rather than later.

      1. You make a very good point that if I really wanted kids, I would have done it by now. However, I do love spending time with my nieces and nephews and recently (within the past year or so) I do find my time to time thinking about what it would be like to have my own little one. I am having a hard time reconciling these two things. How can it be the case that I don’t want them but I imagine having them? I don’t even understand myself.

        1. What’s hard to understand? Your husband is bad and you want kids but not with him.

          1. This so much. Except he may not even be bad, just he’s not the one for you.

        2. Because imagining is easy and joyful with no downside. I have always considered myself childfree– I never wanted kids at any point in my life. My nephew was born and I am shocked by how into him I am. I knew I would love him, but I completely underestimated the intensity and character of the love I feel for him. Sometimes I wonder whether this means I want kids. I can envision it for myself more than I could before. But if it came down to it, I still do not see myself pursuing having kids. The analogous situation from my life is that I often think about moving to NYC because there are so many things I love about it and would like to experience, but I know that I will never do it, because the whole package is more complicated than just deciding whether you like certain aspects of a place. Maybe that resonates?

    10. You said nothing else in the post to indicate this, but… is any part of your hesitation having kids with your husband? Because I will say having kids with someone REALLY ties you to that person forever in a way that even marriage does not, despite what the vows say. I’m just wondering if that is where your hesitation is because you otherwise say you know you do want to be a mom. If this is even potentially the case, I would see an individual therapist.

      2. Yes. I think so actually. Our relationship in generally good, but he has said/done things in the past that have hurt me and made me feel like he is controlling. I guess I have a fear that if his are in the picture, he will have a lot of control over me and while he’d be a good father, I don’t think he would be a supportive partner when it comes to child raising, ie I would do all the domestic things on my own. I have talked to a therapist in the past about this but didn’t come to an ultimate resolution.

        1. Divorce him, or at least tell him bluntly that you’re 100% sure you don’t want children with him. You know what you want, and it isn’t fair to keep pretending this is about “not being ready.”

          1. “I don’t want to have kids with you because you’re controlling and I see no evidence to show you’d do any of the domestic work associated with children.”

            You know exactly why you “aren’t ready.”

          2. Thank you for your comment. I am not pretending anything. I am genuinely trying to understand my own thoughts and feeling at this point in my life and what this means for my partner. The last thing I want to do is make a snap judgement about ending my marriage.

          3. It’s not a snap judgment. Your gut has been telling you the answer for years, if I paraphrase your own words.

        2. Omg do not have kids with someone who is controlling and who would not be an equal partner. You’re better off being a single mom via sperm donation, seriously.

        4. I’m so glad you posted this here today because I think in the process of us having this discussion, you answered your own question. This is not the marriage you need to be in and he is not the person you want to have kids with. If he will be a great father to the kids but a crappy partner to you post-kids, that is all the reason you need not to have kids with him. You don’t need additional justification. I would go to a therapist solo and state your goal as, I need to leave my marriage and need to figure out how to do that safely and with as little rancor as possible. A good therapist will be able to help you with that.
          If you want kids, you can do that solo and will probably be better off than having them with someone who is controlling and unsupportive. And at 35 you still do have some time to maybe find someone else or pursue single motherhood if you want to.

          1. Thank you for saying this. In addition to wondering if whether he will be a good partner is truly justified, I also wonder if that is enough reason to end a 10 year marriage. I do love him and I’ve been with him since I was 23 and we’ve gone through a lot together so I hesitate to throw that all away to find someone else to start all over with. He has a lot of qualities I’d want in a man that would be my children’s father but there is no denying that 1. we argue a lot and 2. he gives me ZERO help at home. I work just as many hours a week as he does so there really is no explanation for it other than he just doesn’t want to do it. I’ve tried talking to him about this specific issue and he has not budged. Is that worth ending a marriage over though? That may sound like dumb question to some on here but it is really hard to see the forest through the trees when you are in the thick of it.

          2. Okay, I take back what I said above. He is bad and you need to get a divorce.

          3. Or stay married and not have kids. But whatever you do, don’t have kids with someone who isn’t willing to pull his weight at home.

          5. This is why you need therapy. I’ve also seen the book ‘ Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay’ recommended here.

            In fairness to him, you need to decide soon. While there’s a common preception that men don’t have the same fertility clock as women, sperm quality and quantity still degrades with age and some issues like autism, are a much greater risk when the Dad is over 40.

          6. OP, the more you describe this, the more I lean towards divorcing him whether or not you have kids. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t help you at home at all? Do you want to spend the next 30 or 40 years mopping floors while he watches television, growing more resentful by the day? Honestly, I think your feelings about kids are your psyche yelling DANGER DANGER DANGER.

          7. PLEASE do not have kids with him. You’ll be 100000 times more resentful about him not helping once you have even one child, and it will be so much more complicated to divorce him then – you’ll worry about hurting your kid, plus even if you do divorce him you’ll be tied to him forever due to parenting your shared kid. Plus, if you share custody, which is likely, you’ll be limited about where you can live and what you can do based on him. If you walk away pre-kid, he’ll never effect your life again after the divorce is final.

          8. “Is that worth ending a marriage over though?”
            YES.
            I say this as someone who has been married 20 years so I know, a little bit, what it takes to make a marriage work over the long haul.
            Arguing a lot is one problem. Zero help at home is another problem. I don’t know what you do for a living so you may know about this already but you are in what’s called “sunk-cost fallacy.” The idea that “well, I’ve been with him so long, I might not be able to find someone else, I might as well stick it out…” NOPE. You are under no obligation to do that what.so.ever. By staying, you’re hurting yourself. There is a better life out there for you if you can grab hold of it.
            There’s a book out there called “Too good to leave, too bad to stay” (I think) that helped one of my friends decide to leave a long-term relationship that wasn’t great but wasn’t terrible. It might help you.
            I think a core question is, do you want to bring a child into a household where there is a lot of arguing? And where one partner doesn’t help the other with basic life needs? What kind of role modeling will that be for that child? I grew up in what I am going to charitably call a “volatile” household (my parents fought a lot, although they did very much love each other) and I am still dealing with the repercussions in my 40s.
            I think you know in your heart what to do here. I appreciate you needing time and space to work through it, but listen to what your heart is telling you. It’s not lying to you. You shouldn’t be in a marriage you have to talk yourself into, continually.

          9. If he is controlling and hurts you, that is a good enough reason to end a marriage, spoken from someone who did. The length of time you spent with him before getting to this point is gone–you can’t get it back. But your future still holds possibilities and you need to honor them. When you’re in a controlling relationship for a long time, it is natural for your inner voice to shut down so you are questioning what to do more than you might otherwise would. But there is a fierce woman inside you who knows what she needs. His voice may be louder (since he is controlling) but hers is true. Sending love. Once you’re out of this marriage, you will see with mental clarity that you did the right thing.

          10. It is possible this can be fixed, but sort of unlikely. If you want to try to fix it, you need to get going. You need to go to a therapist to make a plan and decide what you want. If you want to try to fix it, then it will be to some degree up to him.
            It would sort of be serious thing to present to him: Hey, I want to have kids, but I don’t want them with you right now based on the way things are. We need to fix our relationship big time before considering it. I need you to be committed to a process etc. It’s going to involve both therapy for him (to shut down some of the control issues) and actual work or problem solving from him on the household front.

            If, in imagining that conversation with him you feel fear for your safety, freedom, life, you feel that he would manipulate you out of your opinion, or prevent any change, listen to that fear. It probably can’t be fixed. If you think it would go fine, but he might not do it, then maybe get serious about it and give him a chance to fix it.

        5. I am 36 and have one child with my husband. He wants more. I would too and always thought I would have two, but I will not with him unless things change dramatically. We are not equal partners. Unfortunately, he does not see it this way and thinks of himself as a feminist. This mostly translates to not opening doors or offering to take out the garbage and asking me to watch (to learn) any time he is doing any car maintenance himself. This does not translate to claiming complete ownership of any aspect of family management (i.e. the car maintenance will happen if I order all the auto parts and get all the tools set up and then plan a specific weekend where that’s the only item on the agenda). He helps around the house and is a fully competent parent when I’m away. However, and he would never agree with this statement, the implication is that all the planning is on me and all the hard stuff can wait until I’m home. Before our daughter was born I never would have said he’s not pulling his weight. He wasn’t, but I really didn’t notice it because I’m good at home management and all of these tasks were almost fun. I also brought the situation on myself without understanding that I was doing so. When we were saving for our first house in our mid twenties, I pulled our credit reports and saw that he had recent missed payments. He explained something about his parents being responsible for that card. I had him close all his cards but one and put tight control around finances so he/ his parent’s can’t mess up our loan rates. Guess what, he’s never touched another financial document since unless I put an X next to where he needs to sign. I already told this story here, but another example is that a few years ago he cut himself badly chopping food. I have been 99.9% responsible for all meal preparation since then. I didn’t notice any of this scope creep until we had our baby. It’s at the point that he waited until the day I went into labor to call the plumbers to repair the master bathroom’s toilet (after a week of nagging, which I only did to prove the point that now he should be taking care of this kind of stuff) that I realized how incredibly far our division of labor has veered and how hard this was going to be. And it was, and it still is and it will take many many months of work for us to even get on the same block regarding what equal commitment to a partnered life looks like.

    11. It’s okay to have mixed feelings or cringe when your husband talks about it. Having kids is a big deal; it will change your life more than I can even explain. However, as women, unfortunately biology is against us and at your age, you really do need to make a decision more or less immediately. This is no longer a “someday” decision, it’s a “now or never” decision as your fertility is about to fall off a cliff (not fearmongering, just stating facts; you can go look at the research about what happens to female fertility after age 35). I know that probably doesn’t feel good but it’s the truth. I always think talking to someone when you feel conflicted about something is a good idea, but a counselor/therapist won’t be able to answer the core question for you of “is this the right time.” As everyone says, there is never a “right time” to have children and you very well might wait yourself out of being able to have kids if you wait any longer. It might be useful to ask yourself if the continual postponement/delay was a way of coping with the idea that at your core you don’t want to have kids – which is a totally okay decision/belief! Not everyone wants kids, or for a lot of people, they like their life the way it is. It does sound like your husband is on a different page and so that probably warrants some couples counseling if you decide that the answer for you is “no” and he decides that for him it’s “yes.” Frankly, your marriage may not survive if you decide kids are not for you and your husband isn’t willing to give up becoming a father. But as a mom, I tell people all the time – having a child was the hardest thing I have ever done. Nothing else comes close. It is totally worth it and I am so glad I did it, but parenthood is not for everyone and people who don’t really want to have a child shouldn’t have one. Only you know what’s right for you, and very bluntly: if you don’t want kids, you owe your husband the chance to have them with someone else, and he owes you the ability to live your life child-free. Good luck with your next step, whatever that looks like for you.

    12. No one is ever ready, but it may help to try and narrow down what makes you cringe- is it the life-change? is it how moms are perceived in your industry and/or workplace? do you have interests and passions that you think are incompatible with being a mom? Do you hold a stereotype of what a mom is and dont quite feel ready for that?
      I ask because ‘ve heard specific concerns around these lines from friends and acquaintances and often your mental models may need to adapt to the reality that there is more than one way to be a parent, and no matter what/who you are you can be you and a parent if that is what you choose :)

    13. No one has mentioned this and it is unlikely this is your situation since you don’t mention anything about this in your post, but when I found myself in a similar position (married 4 years, together for 12, husband kept wanting to start family and I wanted one in theory but kept pushing it off), I eventually realized it was because I didn’t want to start a family with HIM. We’re divorced now and I would 100% want kids if I ever got married again, and I’m just sorry/sad I didn’t come to the realization earlier.. (I really do hope this is not your case, but just mentioning it because it took me years to admit it to myself because I had invested so much into the relationship).

    14. I felt this way when we had conversations about having a third (after twins). I was almost panicked at the thought of discussing it. I probably should have seen someone. I ended up finding it helpful to voice my concern. Ultimately, I agreed, and I was totally fine once we started the process, but getting over that hurdle took time–probably a couple years from when we started discussing (when I was 35) until I had her (when I was 37).

      1. I didn’t see the rest of the comments before commenting. Do not have children with this man.

  17. What are y’all wearing to the office when the weather is in high 40s / low 50s? On weekends? Inspiration please!

    My (walking and public transport-riding) city just hit the low 50s last week and suddenly I am at a loss for what to wear. Fleece tights seem like overkill (saving those for the sub-20s weather that is surely coming) but I’m cold in my regular hose. Doesn’t help that I gained two inches of waistline since spring so none of my pants fit anymore. Trenches were good for one week before the they became too flimsy for the night commute home. Need to shop for quick fixes for the office (business formal). Please help! :(

      1. Yes, it’s worth getting on Poshmark or whatever and buying a few cheap pairs of pants in your new larger size. It doesn’t mean you can’t lose the weight you gained going forward. Don’t make yourself suffer!

    2. It’s officially black tights season, so that’s what I’m wearing. They might come off in April…but probably not..

    4. Upstate NY here, having this same sort of weather. I’m in regular tights (denier 40 or 90, depending on my mood and footwear)–definitely not fleece yet–and have all of my winter clothes out, including woolens and cashmere. No more bare legs/feet for me (socks or ankle boots with pants). Light jackets so far, and no hats/gloves yet.

      For comfortable days and weight fluctuations, I’m a big fan of ponte skirts/dresses, often with a more structured jacket. But my office is on the high end of business casual–unmatched separates are fine. Your mileage may vary.

    5. I asked a somewhat similar question recently and someone suggested a puffy vest under my coat. I got one (the uniqlo one with no collar), and love it! It’s slim enough that it barely feels like an extra layer, but it’s made me so toasty that I’m less upset about the weather. And it’s easy to fold and put in my bag if it get to be too warm.

  18. I’m waiting for medical news that I won’t have until Friday. I am distracted/worried, and also aware that this may also lead to some time off, which is making it really hard to focus on or care about work. However, I’ll be in much better shape if I do end up having to take time off if I am actually a productive member of society this week. Thankfully, I have no imminent deadlines, but I don’t want to make work a new stressor in a few weeks if I spend this week doing only the bare minimum. How do I buckle down and get work done when it feels so hard to focus and unimportant relative to life things?

    1. I’m the poster from the weekend post who’s waiting on pathology results, so I hear you, girl. It’s hard. Can you take a day (or even a half day) for mental health time? I vegged for a couple hours in front of the TV, watching Office re-runs and playing on my phone, did a little retail therapy, and sat with my situation for awhile this weekend, and am feeling more at-ease about it. I can’t control. I can’t change it. I know I am doing everything I can to address it, and I’m feeling more “normal” today. My thoughts are with you. This is hard. No two ways about it. I hope you get good news.

        1. Thanks for the good thoughts and best of luck with your pathology results! I was able to veg and relax over the weekend, but now, sitting in front of a computer, with the added stress of a timer running (or not) and the billable hour, it all seems so much harder.

  19. Any recommendations for travel pillows? I have the TRTL, but I’m not crazy about it, and I’d like something more comfortable. (To be fair, it’s possible I’m just not adjusting the TRTL properly. No matter what I do, I don’t find it as wonderful as all the reviews seems to suggest it is.)

    1. I really like my Cabeau. I ordered 3 or 4 from Amazon (including the TRTL) and kept the Cabeau.

    2. No advice, but you’re not the only one with the trtl. I’ve been able to get a bit of sleep by combining the trtl, a regular neck pillow, mask and melatonin pills, but it’s not great.

    3. I have the TRTL and it restricts my neck too much. I like the J pillow better (so named because it’s shaped like the letter). A bit clunky to bring around but it helps me get some sleep.

  20. Piggybacking on the summer destination thread above, any recommendations for late december destinations? I’m mostly looking for not-terrible weather and good food, and would prefer to avoid huge crowds getting out of the US.

    1. I’m heading to Austin, TX this December, and also going to swing by Marfa and Big Bend National Park!

      1. hahahahahahaha. You don’t just “swing by” Marfa and Big Bend. Marfa is a 7 hour drive from Austin….

    2. Oh, current options are as follows, but I’m open to other places. Travelling solo unless relationship status drastically changes, mid 30s.
      1. Paris and south of France
      2. Milan and Switzerland
      3. NYC
      4. New Zealand
      5. Sri Lanka
      6. Laos

      1. I did Paris and Marrakesh in late December/early January one year and really liked it. Paris was a bit cold and rainy, but still beautiful and obviously the food was delicious. It didnt feel crazy crowded.
        NYC in late December is still swarmed with holiday tourists (it clears out right after New Years), so unless you’re really set on that idea, I’d skip.

        1. The only drawback about going to Cambodia is that you are at very high risk of leaving your heart there. <3

      3. It depends on how long you have, which coast you’re flying from and what your interests are. Asia and New Zealand seem far unless you’re flying from the West coast and have two weeks to play with. I wouldn’t go to the French countryside in the winter, it’s just kinda drab. It will also be skiing season in Switzerland so hotel prices are more expensive in the mountains. And it may just be me but Switzerland is too expensive to just park in a random city. If I’m going, it’s to the Alps. I’m going to Paris in early December myself for a few days. If I have more time I would probably tag London on. But I’m just looking forward to some holiday festivities and lights, no big adventures.

    3. Italy! Go to Florence and Venice. I went to Venice in early February and it was magical: almost all locals, no crowds, mid-50s temperatures, pasta, and there was something perfect about the light that I can’t accurately describe with words.

      1. As a counterpoint, I went to Venice in March and it was awful. It was slightly less crowded than normal but still crowded, temperatures were in the 40s and it rained all week. Venice is a disgusting city to visit in heavy rain, because the canals overflow and fill the streets. It’s wasn’t just water everywhere, it was this gross disgusting water that looked like it was filled with sewage. To this day, Venice is the only part of Italy I’ve ever visited (I’ve been to the country five times) that I don’t like. I think the timing of my visit had a lot to do with it. Perhaps I had unusually bad weather, but it sounds like Anon at 1:32 had unusually good weather. The average high in Venice in early February is mid-40s. Late December is even colder.

        1. Right, December is smack dab in acqua alta season in Venice. You’d run into flood risk.

  21. Hi all, I am trying to get better about skincare, and I have some super basic questions that I can’t seem to google the answer for. My derm recommended I add a Vitamin C in the AM and a retinol at night, both before my moisturizers. I bought The Ordinary Vitamin C Suspension 23% and The Ordinary Retinol 0.5%. But how do I apply the retinol, and how much? A couple drops onto a cotton ball? My fingers? And the instructions for the Vitamin C say preferred to be applied at night, not AM. Would it be better to alternate the two at night, or do Vitamin C in the morning, retinol at night?

    Any advice would be much appreciated!

    1. I have always done Vit C in the morning, Retinol at night, although I’m not familiar with the ordinary Vit C. In any case, with either product, you should be doing a sunscreen so it doesn’t particularly matter when you apply the products.

      You will definitely need to work up to the retinol. Start at once a week and consider mixing a few drops into your moisturizer, rather than applying it before (this will buffer it). If you don’t want to add it to your moisturizer, just apply a few drops as you would a serum (avoid the eye area). After a few weeks (assuming no intense peeling or redness or breakouts), go up to twice a week and transition to once every other day/once every day from there. If you get bad breakouts, peeling or redness, go back to the previous schedule, or buffer with moisturizer. Easy does it, basically. I was not a fan of the ordinary retinol, tbh, but you may feel otherwise. Even if you don’t like this one, do try another retinol. I am having luck with DE A-Passioni but the cost difference is a bit ridiculous.

    2. The advice I’ve always read/heard is to definitely do the retinol at night, as it increases sensitivity to sun. (Likewise make sure you are always using sunscreen.) And then vitamin C products usually say they can be am, pm, or both. I guess since your product specifies at night, you could give that a try, but it might not interact well (in terms of texture, or your skin being overly sensitive) with also doing retinol at the same time. In that case, you could try alternating nights. You just have to try it all out and see what works for you skin, giving it time. I do my vitamin C serum in the am, retinol at night, and apply both with clean fingers, sort of patting/pressing it in.

    3. I use The Ordinary Vitamin C stuff in the morning. I put it on first, using my fingers. Then I brush my teeth, then I put on my regular moisturizer.

      I use RoC night cream with retinol at night, also applied using fingers. I thought it was better to use retinol at night because retinol + sun = sunburn? I think Vitamin C + sun just means it loses some efficacy, but I don’t leave the house for probably ~45 minutes after I use it, and there’s moisturizer over it, so I’m not too fussed about it.

      1. I use Ordinary retinol and vitamin C products and I alternate them at night. I’m not sure if I have the same vitamin C as you but I find it far too oily to ever use during the day.

    4. I have The Ordinary retinol and just drop a couple of drops into my palm and apply with my fingers.

    5. I use a dropperful of the Ordinary retinol at night every second night. Planning to add in the Vitamin C on the opposite night.

  22. IDK if this has been asked here before but do you have a lump sum retirement savings goal? If yes – how did you come up with it? When do you plan to retire? And what do you expect your life situation to be (owning/renting; HCOL/MCOL/LCOL etc.)? Helpful if you can specify if your numbers are for 2 people or 1 — as for us singles, that second person’s 401k is not there.

    I feel like it’s been such a moving target for me I’m curious how others view it. When I graduated 2005 (age 39), I feel like everyone around me was like — oh you just need to get to $1 million. But given that at 4%, $1 million will let you withdraw 40k, it’s like everyone realized that’s not nearly enough if you’re planning to stay in the Boston to DC corridor (which is where my family is). So now I feel like the goal for me has become $2 or $2.5 million — yielding 80-100k. And part of me thinks I need to aim even higher . . . yet IDK how to get there given that I’m already maxing out to 19k, don’t qualify for the tax deductions that come with IRAs, and you know have to deal with regular life issues between now and retirement like somehow buying a place to live and paying it off. How do you all view this?

    3. I think it all depends on your standard of living. Frankly, $40k a year with a paid off house seems like more than enough to me, especially if you factor social security on top of that. If you don’t count my mortgage, I spend a lot less than $40k a year on expenses and I live in the DC area. But I’m willing to and probably will sell my house and move to a lcol area when I retire, figuring that I can buy a new place for cash and add a significant amount to my retirement savings from the house proceeds.

      1. Oh, I also meant to add that if you wand to save more for retirement, look in to a backdoor roth ira.

    4. I’m your age and graduated the same year. Given that I’m sitting at nearly $600K now, I feel confident that I am going to need to save WAY more than that by retirement age. I’m thinking $3 million at this point. Probably not all in tax advantaged savings, I imagine.

    5. I don’t think there’s a number that will make me feel confident that I have “enough” and if there is, it’s $5M+. I own my home outright and live in a LCOL area, but healthcare expenses don’t change a lot based on those things, and women in my family tend to live a very long time but need expensive care near the end. To be honest, I plan to work at least part time long as I feel fit and active so I’m hopeful I won’t even start drawing down retirement savings until 75+. I don’t feel like a part time job is incompatible with what I want to do in retirement (travel, spend lots of time with family) and my parents are almost 75 and still working, very happily.

      1. What do your parents do? Did they stay at their previous jobs/careers? Or did they retire at some point and then pick up p/t hobby jobs? I always see men of a certain age working at Home Depot and they seem to love it because they’re the types who enjoy tinkering with building projects/tools, but then I wonder — it’s got to be hard to be on your feet all day at that age. Or are employers more “reasonable” with them and willing to give them 4 hr shifts 3x/wk? Maybe employers have been reasonable lately bc the economy has been so hot but usually employers don’t care what your problem is.

        1. My mom is an engineer, she went part-time (75%) when her kids were small and never went back to full-time. My dad was a lawyer for several decades and during his last few years of practicing law he started teaching an adjunct class at the local law school. He retired from law practice around 65 but continued the teaching. For a while he was more like a full-time professor who taught several classes each semester, now he’s down to only one class/semester so it’s part-time. That’s where I’d most like to end up personally – my husband is a university professor, so if I were teaching too, we’d have summers completely free for travel. I have to figure out what I would teach though. ;)

    6. You could do a backdoor Roth and be able to save an additional $6000 a year (or whatever the max is these days). You can also use a health savings account as a retirement vehicle. There are many finance savvy posters on this board who will know better, but I believe other than these options, you’re just investing in the market generally, or you might have investments like real estate.

      1. HSA has never been an option because I’ve never had a high deductible plan that offers the HSA. I need to look into a backdoor Roth.

    7. – Current living expenses $50k/year in MCOL area, not counting mortgage.
      – Need $1.5 million in liquid assets (at my conservative withdrawl rate of 3.3%) to retire.
      – Step 1: Bust my ass in Biglaw as an associate to pay off 1200 sq ft condo ($600k) and a small rental property ($100k, yielding average 3.5-4% annual income) and get to $200k in retirement and other savings
      – Step 2: Transition to a lesser paid in-house job, where I will hopefully at least have a six figure salary, to amass the rest of the savings (~$1.3 million over 20+ years).

      Of course it will be back to square zero if I have kids. But that is my reasoning for now. I’m on tract to finish Step 1 by age 35.

    8. NYC here- I am aiming for 5M so that I can roughly maintain my current lifestyle. I love the city but the costs freak me out long-term. Monthly fees on my fully paid off coop exceed $3500 so I need a lot of cash flow…

      1. OMG seriously? How do you have such high monthly fees? I didn’t realize that was even a thing to have four-figure fees (and I live in San Francisco).

        2. Maintenance includes common area upkeep fees (elevator, cleaning lobby etc), staff salaries and benefits, taxes, etc. I’m not originally from the city so it’s similarly crazy to me

        3. Super common in NYC. I was looking at apartments online this weekend, and in the areas I was looking (not anywhere particularly posh like UES or Tribeca), I didn’t see any with fees less than 4 figures!

          1. In my neighborhood (outer borough), it’s uncommon for the fees to reach 4 figures, and even then only for the biggest/most expensive apartments. Usually around half covers taxes ( so you aren’t paying the maintenance and THEN taxes). For a $3500 maintenance fee, I would expect the apartment to be worth multiple millions of dollars.

      3. Yeah I don’t like NYC or any place that much. But New Yorkers are a different breed from those of us who lived in the city for 10 years and then moved on.

    9. Our current goal is about 2M (maybe 2.5M), not including the value of our home (currently 1.1M) that will be paid off in less than 10 years. We live in a HCOL (VHCOL?) area, so that is a 1BR. We’re planning to move to a lower cost of living area (Hawaii, not HNL), and plan to buy a condo outright for cash, and then sell our place in the HCOL. We’ll be ready to do all this in about 11 years. I’ll be early 50s. This is for my husband and me (no kids).

      1. Hawaii is beautiful but I can’t imagine living there as an even slightly elderly person on a fixed income – there’s no public transit, you’ll be far from major hospitals (especially if you live not on Oahu) and the cost of living is insane even compared to the biggest cities in the mainland (not for housing so much, but a gallon of milk is like $10).

  23. I am in front of clients and on panels for CLEs a bit more than previously, so I feel that I need to have suits in my closet. But at work, we are sloppy jeans casual, so I feel that I’m not 100% on what looks good in a women’s suit (skirt or pants, I like skirts in the winter b/c I can wear tights, I think, unless that is a Bad Idea). And how long should a suit stay in my closet? I won’t wear them out, so I could have suits that are just stale-looking. I feel like I should try to wear one at least weekly just to make sure that they fit, I can find a good blouse to pair with each, the shoes still look good and are comfy, etc.

    Also, I have clients where it is cold (Boston, NYC, MN), so can I wear a long down coat over one? My tailored wool coat seems to fit over dresses but won’t fit over a jacket without looking too snug.

    1. Do you appear in court? If not, you probably don’t need actual suits. Structured dresses with sleeves or blazer/jardigan are more current, especially if you are not fresh out of school.

      1. I don’t appear in court, but my clients (99% guys) are often in full suits. NYC especially.

    2. I agree with the other poster. I’d stop buying suits and instead move in the mm lafleur direction – not that you need to buy from them but just for inspiration. Dresses with blazers or structured cardigans, pants with an interesting blouse and the same blazer or cardigan topper. I also present a lot and I never present in a full suit. Most of the conferences I present at are business casual anyway.

      1. Counterpoint: if you run cold, a suit can be warmer than dresses, especially synthetics. And the dress + jacket is great in theory, but one I have been struggling to execute well. What works well is jacket + short sleeved dress, but in the winter / fierce summer AC that isn’t warm enough.

  24. For those of you in BigLaw, do you know if your firm has mandatory retirement? Or a time when attorneys are forced out (down to counsel or something where I imagine there is a big paycut)? I have heard stories that this can start as early as age 50-something (terrifying for me). I don’t think there is retiree medical, so I’m not sure what happens if you are forced out before you are medicare eligible.

    I am in BigLaw, but I went to school later in life (still: loans) and then had kids later in life (so: daycare x2). I am now terrified that I’ll get pushed out right when I might finally be able to get ahead financially.

    Is there an easy way to figure out how this works at different firms? It is so easy to find out associate stuff, but this is suddenly very real for me.

    1. I would ask a trusted partner (equity). The fact of whether there is a mandatory retirement age will be a point of policy and easy to answer. Now if there is an “unofficial” firm retirement age, is harder to find out, but you can ask that to the trusted partner as well.

    2. Yes – at 65 you are pushed out of equity and at 70, you need to be gone (or can become counsel in exceptional situations). To figure it out at your own firm, this seems like something just to ask someone in the know in a casual way, but if for some reason you really don’t have someone to ask, you can probably sleuth it out. Does your firm announce when people are leaving/retiring? Or is there a way you can see if people are equity/income partner? Do some comparisons with bar call year and retirements/income partners. It isn’t fool proof but it’ll give you a sense.

    3. Wouldn’t it have been in your partnership agreement? That’s how it is at my firm — mandatory at 65 regardless of whether you have no book or a $100000 billion book. So if you’re feeling like there is some push out type of retirement — then it may be “unofficial” and TBH all you can do is keep generating business so that when that time comes, they don’t want to push you out because you bring in too much $$$ for them.

      1. “Partners” are often W-2 employees who never see the partnership agreement; only equity partners see that.

      2. This–the better your book, the better your leverage (and probably mobility if push comes to shove). No one is shoving a giant book of business out the door–they will find a way to keep you around.

    4. I’m sure it varies firm to firm. But I have never knew a partner to get pushed out in their 50s unless they were not bring in business. For partners with a book of business, they are not going to force you down or out because they know that you can just take that book of business to another firm.

      1. Not true – some firms (albeit with terrible business planning) do have mandatory retirement at 65 and yes it does result in those partners just taking their books to competing firms. But yeah push outs are often a house cleaning thing and they can happen at any age 40s, 50s, 60s etc. when they find that too many partners have no book and are merely service partners.

        1. Yes, some firms do have mandatory retirements at 65. But who is pushing out a partner in their 50s with a book of business? That’s what I was addressing.

          1. OP here: in my 50s, I will still have a kid in elementary school at one point. Other partners will have kids in college. So if they are pushed out at 60 or 65, their loans are long paid off and kids are out of school so who cares. But that’s not my life and not my demographics — envision working as long as I am productive b/c I think it keeps you young and mentally sharp.

          2. Well your question was about getting pushed out in your 50s. People are telling you a mandatory retirement age at 65 is a lot more common than being pushed out in your 50s. You don’t have to pay for your kids’ college education; put on your own oxygen mask first and make sure you’re ready for retirement even if it happens earlier than you’d like. Working until your 70s is nice if it happens, but not reality for most people (and not just due to getting pushed out – health problems happen, etc.)

          3. @OP – Are you a partner now? Firms are all over the place in terms of whether they have a mandatory retirement age and, if they do, whether it’s enforced. My former firm had a retirement age of 70, but it could be (and routinely way) waived by the firm’s management committee for partners who had a book. Likewise, my former firm had a single tier partnership (all equity) with an open comp system and had pretty strong downside protection for comp– there was rule that partners’ comp couldn’t be reduced by more than a certain percentage of their prior year comp, which meant that it could take 4+ years to meaningfully reduce comp. These factors combined to make it pretty challenging for a relatively new partner coming off the initial 2-3 year guaranteed comp to scale up — but it did protect people from being pushed out.

            All of that is pretty much beside the point. Instead of worrying about whether you’ll be pushed out of your current firm– focus on building the best book of business you can. This should lead to higher comp at your current firm and options to lateral later if it turns out your firm has a mandatory retirement age. Partnership is supposed to = ownership. Start thinking like an owner not an employee!

    5. My former Big Law firm had a mandatory 65 retirement – which led to my (current) boss leaving at 64 and taking his $$$ book of business with him. Fortunately he took me too!

  26. Can anyone help me compose a text to my crazy aunt? I’m slammed at work and don’t have time to massage the words or call her.

    Situation: Crazy aunt (CA) has lived near my grandmother for the last decade to help care for said grandmother. CA is bitter about it (justified) and burnt out as heck (also justified). My mom moved down last year to help. My mom told me that my cousin, CA’s daughter, invited CA to her house for Thanksgiving. I said, “hey, why don’t DH and I come spend Tday with you and Grandma and cook dinner, and CA can get a reprieve and spend a week with her daughter and grandkids?” But CA doesn’t want to give up cooking Tday, even if it means a week with her daughter and grandchildren, whom she never gets to see. Sooo, it would be us going there to visit, which is nice and all, but I’ve spent enough Tdays with CA to last a lifetime and [insert vintage Do.Not.Want meme here].

    Since i made the offer to go there and host, I’ve found out that my husband is traveling for work and won’t be home until Wednesday night before Tday, which means he won’t have time to join us for Tday (12 hour travel). If CA was going to go see my cousin, it’d be worth it IMO to spend Tday away from my husband because CA has legit been working like crazy for the last decade taking care of Grandma and deserves to spend a holiday with her daughter and grands. But because CA isn’t going to see her daughter, I don’t really care to be away from my husband and she can have her holiday back. Sooo how do I tell her all this? Assistance from someone whose brain isn’t scrambled already on Monday morning MUCH appreciated. Bonus points: CA is likely to misinterpret everything.

    1. CA, I just found out that DH will be traveling for work and will return the day before Thanksgiving, so we won’t have time to travel out there in time for Thanksgiving, so we’re going to celebrate locally.

      1. Oh my gosh, the simplicity of this <3 Thank you!

        I'm going to add in "I'm happy Mom and Grandma have you to spend Tday with" from the poster below.

        Thank you again! This is what happens when you're too close to a situation.

    2. Hi CA, thank you so much for offering to host Tday! Unfortunately, we just found out that DH will be travelling for work that week and cannot change it. He wont be back in town until last WEdnesday night, so we’ll have to do Tday at home this year. Thank you again for hosting, I’m happy that my Mom will be able to spend the holiday with you. Hopefully we will be able to figure out a time soon for me to visit so that you can spend some time with your daughter and grands. Thank you again for all that you do!”

    3. CA is likely to interpret this as you huffing and saying “well if you are there I won’t be” which is 100% true, so I would let your mom handle.

  27. Has anyone considered retiring to France for the health care coverage? What did you do to prepare for it? I expect you have to contribute and establish residency, and am doing my research (esp on the long term care front), but wanted to hear from anyone who has considered it or know someone who has. I do have some distant family there and speak French conversationally, but haven’t really lived there.

    1. A good friend moved there. She lived there for over a decade before she got citizenship. I’m not sure what she did for health care before she became a citizen, but I know the process of staying there as a non-citizen was really complex and she had all these interviews for visas and stuff like that, and was basically in a constant state of fear that she would have to leave on very short notice. And she was working the whole time. I can’t imagine France (or any country) eagerly welcoming a retiree who isn’t paying taxes but will soon be a drain on the national healthcare system.

      1. Yeah, op, this is completely unrealistic unless you have particular facts in your favor, which it sounds like you don’t.

    2. No. I have no interest dying distant from all my friends and family in a country where I will always be a foreigner. I’ve lived in France speaking excellent French and found healthcare very difficult to manage.

    3. Tbh Canada would be easier to find work with a Canadian branch of a US company and quicker to get residency/citizenship. Don’t count on moving there after retirement but you could retire there.

    4. Do you have citizenship in an EU country? It’s really hard to retire to Europe if you’re not a citizen.

    5. In general, you have to have contributed to the system for a number of years before being eligible for the national health benefits. My (European) boss looked into retiring to his home country but, because he moved to the US at age 30, he wasn’t eligible for the health care.

  28. I have the Julie fit LOFT black suit pants that is often recommended here but they are about an inch too big at the waist, fits everywhere else. They don’t have belt loops. Is getting it tailored my only option?

    1. Probably. Go before you can’t return them any longer so that you can get your tailor’s opinion on whether the fix will work.

  29. So I’m someone who doesn’t travel much (basically can’t motivate myself to go places alone) but when I do go away for a few days, I find I like it and come back refreshed. It’s become a “tradition” that I take 2-3 days off in December and go away on a holiday trip — so usually in the 2nd or 3rd week of Dec. Rates everywhere are pretty low then as people don’t go on vacation then when they know they’re traveling for Christmas or on vacation between Christmas and New Years. If I haven’t booked/planned a trip — I just head up to NYC (live in DC now but lived in NYC for 10 years and love it at Christmas despite the crazy).

    So what would you do if you were me this year — NYC (which I’ve seen 100000000x times) or New Orleans (never been). NYC – nostalgia; I haven’t been up there for Christmas in 2 years and it seems like a REALLY long time. I feel like if I don’t go this year, I’ll regret it for an entire year. NOLA — never been, it’d add another state to my 50 state tour, and wouldn’t go during the crazy party times of the year (or the summer) and I’ve heard the hotels etc. are beautiful at Christmas; it’ll also be warmer. As late as Thanksgiving is this year, the NYC tree isn’t lit until Dec 4 and then there’s really only 2 working weeks left to take 2-3 days off and go someplace so I can’t really do both. (And I have NO desire to do NYC on a weekend.) Booked at the Ritz in NOLA so I’m looking for an upscale type of experience but also a walkable — just wander around and run into things to do kind of experience. IDK if NOLA as a city offers that — as I imagine there’s a ton of public drinking and all the dirtiness that comes with that.

    1. NOLA! The public drunkenness is mostly on Bourbon St and very easy to avoid. I think if you go on a weekday, it will be even easier to avoid (since all the bach parties, etc are there on the weekends).

    2. If you come to New Orleans, I would book at the Roosevelt. It’s gorgeous at Christmas time. Go to a Christmas show at the Saenger. Take the streetcar out to NOMA and go the the sculpture garden. Avoid Bourbon St. (very easy to do) and you’ll avoid the dirtiness and drunkenness. Our finals are in the second week of December, so if you time it right, there won’t even be drunken college students. The weather can really be up and down then, but it’s generally pretty nice. Go to some fabulous restaurants on Magazine St. Walk up and down Magazine and shop at the little boutiques. Walk in Audubon Park and see the pretty decorations on the St. Charles end. Of course, I live here and I love NYC at that time of year. But there’s a lot to do here then and it’s pretty. The streetcars are all decorated for Christmas.

      2. The Roosevelt is gorgeous at Christmastime, but so is the Ritz! DH and I had a French Quarter date last December–had a drink at the French 75, wandered through 4-5 hotel lobbies, and then had a reveillon dinner at Nola. Honestly, the decorations at the Ritz were my favorite. The Davenport lounge is a fun (but pricey) place to get a drink. The spa there is amazing too!

    3. I think New Orleans is so much more fun than NYC around the holidays. It’s less crowded and harried, and warmer too. We went over Christmas a couple of years ago and had the best time. We did self-guided walking tours of the French Quarter and the Garden District and visited the WWII museum. There is a park with a huge light display that we wanted to see and didn’t get to, but we did see the amazing lights in the lobby of the Roosevelt hotel. We mostly played it by ear, but did make dinner reservations every night and were happy we did.

    4. I loved New Orleans and I am not really the partying type, and prefer quality over quantity for drinks (which is easy to do in NO). You are making me think, hmmm, my boyfriend is itching to travel in December, NO sounds like a pretty good idea…

    6. NOLA is great and really fun during the holidays. I would take a streetcar uptown and do lunch at Commander’s Palace! There’s also Celebration in the Oaks at City Park, free concerts in St. Louis Cathedral, and lights all up and down Canal Street. I also recommend walking through the lobby at The Roosevelt which is gorgeous.

      Just a word of caution to you. The Hard Rock Hotel that collapsed a couple of weekends ago is RIGHT next to the Ritz, and it is still very precarious. I can see it from my office, and there’s a partially collapsed building and a crane hanging out over Canal Street and the street is partially closed off. I just think you’re going to deal with some congestion/traffic and who knows what else staying right there at the Ritz. People have had to be temporarily evacuated for some detonation activities, and The Saenger had to close the weekend that the collapse happened. The Roosevelt is nice, and it is across the street from the Ritz, so slightly further away from the collapse, but still in the immediate vicinity. If you want to move out from that entire area but still stay somewhere posh, I would suggest the Windsor Court.

      1. All good points. I’m not downtown often anymore, and I didn’t think about the impact of the Hard Rock collapse.

        The Windsor Court’s holiday decor is nice if not as impressive as the Roosevelt and the Ritz. The holiday tea there is a nice experience too. The Windsor Court also just renovated its spa facilities–I haven’t been yet, but I’m sure it’s great.

    7. DH and I went to NOLA once at Christmastime. It was great! We were not looking for a partying scene. The only problem we had was that we were there during an unusually cold christmas and had not packed proper attire and had signed up for an evening walking tour. A lot of places are closed on actual christmas day, so do your research so you have things to do, places to eat, etc. The restaurants are wonderful, it is a very walkable city. I’d highly recommend a tour of the Garden District. I also LOVE nyc at Christmas, but why not try NOLA.

  30. HR types – can I ask for an employment letter without raising suspicions? We’re applying to adopt a child, and I need to provide an employment letter, but I’d rather not tell HR WHY I need the letter. Will asking for the letter without providing a reason raise flags for HR or is this a pretty standard request? I love my job and am not planning on going anywhere…I just don’t feel ready to talk about this at work yet. (Small company, 100 people, 1 HR lady.) Thanks!

    1. Is it just a letter verifying your current employment? Those are needed for any number of reasons. I don’t think it’d raise a red flag at all if the letter just states your start date and that you are currently employed. Does it need to say more than that?

    2. I’ve done it when I needed to rent an apt. My DH’s company, which is way bigger than my law firm employer, has a phone number that is provided for employment verification. I did explain why I needed it, but no one asked any questions. Raised no eyebrows that I know. And I asked once in late May and again in Oct in the same year (due to changing plans).

      1. Yeah its been a while but I think I needed one when I applied for my mortgage

    4. I’ve gotten one for an apartment, grad school, etc. I think they’re pretty standard.

    5. I think they will assume you are buying a house, not adopting a kid. Unless you are opposed to them making that assumption, I’d just make the request and move on.

  31. Help- what should I give my assistant for her bday? Relevant facts: large insurance defense firm, gave $150 for assistant’s day. This is my first year at the firm. We get along pretty well. I am thinking cash but have no idea what amount seems appropriate? Also have no idea what amount seems appropriate for holiday gift (I will definitely give cash). At prior firms I worked at this was not the dynamic.

    1. Is the firm culture to give birthday gifts to staff? That seems odd to me.

      1. At my firm, almost every lawyer takes their assistant to fancy long lunch on their birthday.

        1. And at my firm, this would not be allowed. Which just emphasizes the importance of asking around and knowing your firm (the “long” part of the lunch; you are welcome to take your assistant to a 30 minute lunch whenever you want).

          1. This would not be “allowed”? I get the people saying that this is not the norm/not expected/frowned upon, but I fail to see how a firm could prevent you from treating your assistant to lunch. Assuming you’re not trying to spend the firm’s money of course.

      2. It is at insurance defense firms – the staff does not get big bonuses at holidays from the firm and it is traditional for attorneys to give their assistants cash for birthdays/ Christmas.

        OP – $150 sounds about right especially if he/she has other assigned attorneys. Nice to combine it with a card and/or small token gift to show you did not just shove cash into an envelope. I usually send Amazon gift cards instead of cash.

      3. It definitely is, when I first started she put 2 things on my calendar: Assistant’s Day and her birthday. And she just made a point to tell me she will be in the office on her birthday… point made

  32. Christmas traffic question. I’ve done the DC to NY drive many times around Thanksgiving, but this year will be my first time doing it around Christmas. I do not actually celebrate Christmas, but need to do the drive either on 12/24 or 12/25. Any recs on when to make the drive?

    4. The roads are dead on Christmas day, that’ll be your best traffic day. Just note that some normal conveniences, like gas stations and fast food places, might be closed even if they’re normally 24/7 operations. I had a very hungry drive one Christmas. Be sure to fill up your tank the day before, bring some snacks, and don’t drink a lot of water/coffee on your drive.

      1. are they totally closed? i will be traveling with my twin 1.5 year olds, so will just need a place to stop to change them and ideally let them run for 10 minutes

        1. Rest areas should not be closed so you can change them in your car and let them run around. I would not count on being able to purchase food and bathrooms might be closed (although I think it’s a lot more likely you’ll have bathroom access than food access).

  33. Anyone have a recommendation for a reasonably priced family photographer in Northern Virginia? I don’t need a long session and I don’t need a leather-bound album. I just want a few shots of my family I can plunk onto a holiday card. TIA.

    1. I don’t have any rec for Virginia, but in my (LCOL) area if you want even a few digital images with print rights you usually have to pay at least $300. If your budget is lower than that, you probably have to adjust it upwards.

  34. For those frequent travelers that manage their level of travel, what are some criteria you use to qualify whether to fly to meeting/event/presentation or attend remotely….I have been traveling a lot (100 percent for several months) and want to reduce it by prioritizing, or using certain criteria to work remotely a bit more

    1. I’ve never been in a situation where there was a legitimate choice between attending in person and appearing remotely, even when I am the project director. It’s usually pretty obvious from the nature of the meeting and my role.

      I facilitate a lot of big meetings involving participants external to my organization. Not once has it been useful or productive to have someone participate remotely when the majority of the participants are physically present. The remote participants are usually disengaged, clueless, and unhelpful, and their refusal to travel usually gives a bad impression to the participants who bothered to show up. For these types of meetings, if you don’t feel like being there in person, it’s better if you don’t go at all. I now heavily discourage remote participation in all of my meetings. If someone wants to dial in, I ask the client to appoint a replacement who will attend in person.

  35. hi! Does anyone have recommendations for a travel agent for a honeymoon? We need help start to finish, including choosing a destination, but are only able to go for 5 nights / 6 days. SEUS is where we’re leaving from if it matters but looking to go to the Caribbean or a direct flight destination in Europe. Any recs appreciated!

    1. honestly, a good travel agent specializes in particular destinations so i think it would be better if you were to first try to identify a destination and then find an agent to help you

      1. This. Also, you really don’t need a travel agent for the Caribbean (or Europe, but especially the Caribbean). Find a hotel that looks good, go, lie on the beach.

        1. Thanks, we thought of this but we’re having decision paralysis and need someone to point us in the right direction. There’s a million hotels that “look good”.

    2. I use Perfect Honeymoons for almost all of my travel. We work with Steve. I’ve tried other travel agents, but I come back to him. We’ve traveled all over the world and he’s planned the trips for us. When we want to go somewhere that is not his expertise, he pulls in other folks. I use him when I travel to the Caribbean too– his connections have gotten us free upgrades, rooms when the hotel is otherwise booked, great tips, and amazing service.

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