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Updated: Oct 25, 2019 206 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Something on your mind? Chat about it here. Ooooh. I am really not one to spend a ton of money on nail polishes, but this sparkly glitter from Dior looks like, dare I say it, a worthy splurge before the holidays — if you buy it early enough it can even be part of your Halloween costume, right? As someone not talented in the Art of Applying Nail Polish I tend to like semi-sheer sparklies on nails and toes because it's hard to get them totally wrong, and they tend to wear better than regular polish. It's $30 at Nordstrom. Ladies, what will you be wearing on your nails this holiday season? What are reliable, less expensive, but still festive, glitter nail polishes? What “designer” nail polishes are worthy splurges? DIOR Happy 2020 Diorific Vernis Glitter Top Coat This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

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Comments

  1. Anonymous

    You guys – I have a coworker who checks all the boxes. Smart, nice, funny, etc. Just this morning I was thinking “wow, his girlfriend is so lucky.” Turns out they broke up 6 months ago. I’m recently single too and this feels super exciting but I need to slow my roll.. I’m excited about being excited but also want to try to temper my excitement and be realistic. Maybe he’s not even into me at all. I guess just looking for advice?

    • Anonymous

      I like to try to keep this kind of stuff out of the office. So rather than stopping by his office to chat more often, I’m more inclined to say ‘I’m checking out the new sushi place on nearby street at lunchtime, want to come with?’

      That way if it doesn’t work out, there aren’t ‘in office’ habits that are noticeable to others as happening or not happening.

      • Anonymous

        ooh I like this advice… much smoother than anything I ever came up with.

      • Anon For this

        Yes, she is right. My mother told me when I first started out in the working world that you do not want to have a relationship with anyone at work, because when (not if) you break up, you will still have to see him in the hallways. Once he has seen you naked, or has gardened with you, he will always see you naked, or think of the gardening experiences you have had. That is not too smart, because you too will remember how he did what he did when he was naked, and you will think of him in his gardening capacity. Worse yet, if you should ever get pregnant with him, and then break up, you will have to deal with those issues; who will put your child under your medical plan (or his), visitation and the like. I recommend you find another guy to date and mate with. That way, if you break up, you will not have to think of him in terms of his bodily parts that are no longer inside of you.

    • anon

      I’m sure you know this, but office romances are so risky. If you work with each other at all (v. someone in a different department on a different floor you see almost never and don’t work with), then you need to think long and hard about the innumerable ways it could affect you if any of the innumerable ways it could go south come to pass. Ask me how I know.

      Coworkers are fun fantasy crushes. The obvious unavailability allows you to fantasize freely, which does not always translate well to real life.

      • Housecounsel

        I married my office crush. Also, I have counseled hundreds of people in the context of sexual harassment prevention training NOT to do what I did.

        • Anon dating office crush

          I also married my office crush, a woman. It was super complicated, and I also have told people not to do what I did (date someone at work, not the lesbian part!), but twenty years later I have zero regrets. Be careful, be smart, and good luck!

      • Anon

        +1. I left the job and friends I loved because of a bad work breakup. I’m happily married now but I’m still bitter that I had to give up my dream job because of what happened. Be cautious.

  2. Curly hair help

    I have wavy/curly hair that I’d love to let air dry as it looks quite nice when I add in product. Ideally, I only need a cream or leave in conditioner and not mouse or gel. (I just need something to keep off the frizz as my hair does not need help attaining the curl) However, my skin is super sensitive and will break out if the hair product has any of the following ingredients:
    -Shea butter
    -oils (esp mineral oil)
    -coconut (in any form)

    Does anyone have anything they use that does not have these ingredients that works well? It seems so difficult to find! I’ve searched high and low and while I can find gels and mouses without, I can’t find a cream.

    • Anon

      Most creams and leave-ins for curly hair will have some form of oil or butter in it. You’re better off going with a scrunch in mousse. It’ll work better anyway. DevaCurl Frizz-Free Volumizing Foam is a good place to start.

    • NY CPA

      I haven’t used them, but the Living Proof products seem to be oil, coconut, and shea free from what I can tell, for example Living Proof No Frizz Nourishing Styling Cream. They seem to have good reviews at Sephora and Ulta.

    • Anon

      I used to use a combination of conditioner, gel, and water (maybe 30/10/60 proportions) in a spray bottle to deal with frizz in my hair. You can use your usual products to avoid irritation and customize how much conditioner and gel you want to get the right texture/frizz control. You might even be able to go with a 20/80 conditioner/water mix since you don’t need curl definition.

    • anon a mouse

      Check out the Kinky Curly line. I’m pretty sure Knot Today will work for you as a leave-in conditioner. I like the Curling Custard as a styler — it is a gel but works very similarly for me to the $$$ living proof cream.

    • Curly hair help

      Thanks, everyone! Will check into these products.

      Not looking for mouse because that gives me too much volume and fluffiness. Gel provides too much hold/stiffness

      • Elle

        You can always (and should) “scrunch out the crunch” once your hair is dried. Then you have the frizz-free hold without the stiffness.

    • Anonome

      I have several options that are exactly what you’re looking for. I started a modified Curly Girl method last year, and I also need to avoid the ingredients you list.

      Magick Botanicals Conditioner, Stony Brook Botanicals Oil-Free Conditioner, and Free and Clear Conditioner meet your requirements. As others have mentioned, several Living Proof products also apply.

    • Frenchie

      I highly recommend the Living Proof In Shower Styler. My hair is curlier than it is recommended for but I get great results. It has none of those ingredients and is even curly girl friendly. I’ve got thick but fine curly hair and it gives me shiny, frizz-free hair.

  3. Anonymous

    I need some good thoughts ladies. I’m waiting on pathology results from a biopsy earlier this week and spoke with my doctor’s office today. They refuse to give me the results and scheduled a lengthy appointment next week to go over them. That does not sound promising. Any anecdata that this is just par for the course and not indicative of a cancer finding?

    • Anonymous

      Total anedata but I have found this to be the case where anything found is either borderline or not clear if watchful waiting is the right approach. Like for ductal carcinoma in-situ, surgery isn’t always recommended but might be recommended depending on patient’s family history or other medical conditions (e.g. watchful waiting approach may not be suitable for someone with anxiety issues). As another example, my dad’s had a spot on his lung for 4 years. Based on other health issues, surgery doesn’t make sense unless it significantly worsens because they can closely monitor changes via other methods.

      Basically, it’s probably fine but if it’s not, it’s likely because there are multiple monitoring and/or treatment options.

      • anon

        +1 for this. Many offices that I am aware of make follow-up appointments to discuss almost all pathology results because the answer is often significantly more complicated than cancer – do all the things vs. no cancer – nothing more to do.

    • Anon

      I’ve worked at several medical clinics and the vast majority of them had a policy requiring an appointment to discus the results of things like HIV tests and cancer screenings. They don’t want to give bad news over the phone, but have to set up an appointment either way so it isn’t obviously bad news just because they don’t tell you. There’s a good chance they have a similar policy and everything is fine.

    • Anonymous

      I’m so sorry you are going through this. Your doctors office sounds horrible.

    • Anon

      That is just some doctor’s procedure (sadly often to get more money on office visits). You may have some kind of dysplasia that is a precursor to cancer. It may have come back inconclusive and you need another biopsy. I wouldn’t borrow trouble just yet.

      • Anonymous

        Sadly, this was the follow up surgical biopsy to such a finding of dyplasia on a core biopsy back in September. So no more “precursors” to find most likely… Sigh.

        • Coach Laura

          I hope the waiting doesn’t stress you out and you get good results at the appointment. I’m so bad at waiting that these days I ask to book the follow-up appointment when the biopsy is done, guestimating when the results will be in.

    • Anonymous

      When I was diagnosed with breast cancer my doctor called me at 9am the day after biopsy and said ” You have cancer. Get a surgeon. Here are some rec’s.” So it’s good news that nobody has said that to you. If it was dire I think they would tell you quickly. I’m fine now so even if you do have something it’s not the end of the world. Hang in there. It’s so hard. Hugs.

      • anon

        Plus one to this–I got a call (at age 24) that my derm found breast cancer. The next step was obvious (a mamogram and surgeon appointment) and my derm wasn’t involved moving forward. So just sharing bad news happened over the phone. If there’s something to discuss I can see them making you come in.

    • Anonymous

      that’s a really long wait. Any possibility you could ask the doctor to call you the results over phone?

    • Anonymous

      When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, this happened to me. The silver lining was that I had started to process it by the time of the appointment.

      I hope this is not the case for you, but if it is, know that most weather the storm fine. I’m 6+years out and sometimes forget I had cancer.

    • Anonymous

      Hugs! I have some follow up tests next week for a thing and an appointment to discuss surgery next week. (And also was unable to get through to my doctor about a question today.) I definitely feel your anxiety.

      I hope everything goes great. I’m going to try and have an awesome weekend because it’s finally nice fall and if shit is coming, let’s do fun stuff first. I hope you do the same. You’ll be in my thoughts!

    • Anon

      Whatever the results, you can handle it! Try to bring a close friend or family member with you.

  4. Amelia Bedelia

    I need to upgrade my at-home coffee game.

    I seek recommendations for the best grinder of coffee beans and the best either fresh pour-over contraptions or the best made from fresh ground beans coffee maker. I’m fine if it includes a milk frother or espresso maker, but i really am after making a quality cup of coffee to enjoy at home in the afternoons or weekends. I’m fine if it is a little labor intensive. I don’t really have a budget. I want quality, but don’t care about name brand.

    thanks!!!

    • NOLA

      I recently started drinking coffee again after a long hiatus. I didn’t want to invest in anything fancy, so I’m using a one cup cone drip. I have two of them, in case I have guests, or if I want a second cup (on a lazier morning). I’ve used the cone drip with a pot and it works well, but you have to have a heater thing to keep the pot warm.

    • Miz Swizz

      We have the Bonavita 8-cup One-Touch coffeemaker and we bought my friend the 5-cup version after she house sat for us and raved about the coffeemaker. The carafe keeps coffee warm for hours and the quality of the coffee is consistently good regardless of how much coffee I’m making. We’ve been really pleased with it for the 2+ years we’ve had it. We currently use a Krups coffee grinder that we keep talking about upgrading but haven’t yet. I know a conical burr grinder is supposed to be significantly better but like I said, we haven’t gotten around to upgrading and have been enjoying our coffee.

    • Anonymous

      We have a Capresso grinder and bonavita coffee maker that we are very happy with.

    • Coffee lemming

      We do Chemex in my house, which produces a clean tasting cup of coffee. So clean that I drink it black now. For Chemex, we:
      1. buy beans weekly from a local roaster or Whole Foods which carries local roasters (Sightglass, Ritual, Chromatic — all in SF Bay area but lots of good roasters elsewhere too)
      2. water is heated to 195-203 degrees F in an electric kettle with temperature control (Bonavita gooseneck)
      beans are ground fresh daily in a burr grinder (Baratza Encore)
      3. weigh everything (beans are weighed before grinding and again after they go into Chemex; we measure the amount of water going in)
      3. follow Chemex method as described in Chemex instructions or as provided by local coffee shop
      If you choose another method like pourover, you may do many of the steps above but not all are necessary for every method. In addition, for certain methods like french press, you will want a timer to make sure you’re extracting beans for the right period of time. All of the above equipment can be purchased on Amazon and the like or a coffee roasting company like Four Barrel Coffee (big sexual harassment scandal there a couple years ago so you may not want to patronize).
      WHEW! I’m exhausted from explaining this. My husband’s passion. I just go with it (and enjoy a good cup every morning).

      • KC

        I think we’re the same person: exact same routine, equipment (love, love the Baratza Encore), down to it being a passion of my husband’s that I’ve learned to love. It was definitely intimidating upfront, but honestly isn’t too much of a pain to do every morning. And the coffee’s worth it!

      • NYNY

        I’ve used a Chemex for the last 20+ years, but in a more low key way than this. Conical grinder (from OXO) was a recent upgrade after my Krups blade grinder died. I boil water in a pot on the stove, then lower the temperature so it’s just simmering. Use a measuring cup to do the pour over, first blooming the grounds, then bigger pours after everything is wet. It takes some time and attention, but I can do it while I’m half asleep and puttering around the kitchen in the morning. I love the ritual of it, and the coffee is delicious.

      • SO

        This is my husband’s routine-ish. He has a (1) Baratza Encore Coffee Grinder, (2) Fellow Stagg Pour Over Kettle, (3) Chemex + Chemex filters, (4) a scale, and (5) fancy coffee that is from local co. and was very recently roasted. He’s a coffee snob and loves this the most out of all the methods.

        It’s a little labor-intense compared to a drip coffee maker, but not terribly long. I don’t drink coffee, so as long as he keeps the counters clean, I’m cool. It does smell lovely though!

    • anon

      Coffee snobs go for a burr grinder over a blade grinder, and if you go down the espresso route, a separate grinder, not one built into the espresso machine. Breville is longlasting in my experience and repairs are possible if you are handy. But you are looking at $600-800 if buying new.

      • MagicUnicorn

        Agree on the Breville burr grinder being amazing. I have the Smart Grinder, bought in 2015, and it is perfect. It was nowhere near that price range though, at less than $200. Current versions also appear to be at a similar price point.

        • anon

          oh yeah, I meant a grinder plus espresso machine would get you to that number.

    • french press

      I love using a french press with freshly ground beans. I no longer get coffee out (just lattes and sugary flavored coffee drinks) because my homemade coffee tastes better than anything I’ve ever been served at a coffee shop or restaurant.

      • Anon

        +1 for the French press! I use my colleagues French press and make us coffee in the morning. Saves me a ton of money by avoiding Starbucks.

    • Miss

      I love my aeropress. I had a triangular pour over before and think the aero press makes much better coffee. And it’s easy to travel with if you’re going somewhere that might not have coffee machines.

  5. Amelia Bedelia

    I need to upgrade my at-home coffee game.

    I seek recommendations for the best grinder of coffee beans and the best either fresh pour-over contraptions or the best made from fresh ground beans coffee maker. I’m fine if it includes a milk frother or espresso maker, but i really am after making a quality cup of coffee to enjoy at home in the afternoons or weekends. I’m fine if it is a little labor intensive. I don’t really have a budget. I want quality, but don’t care about name brand.

    thanks!!!

  6. Anon

    Any Bay Area people worried about wildfires this weekend? Can’t help being freaked out with the wind event and the conditions – clearly the North Bay is already suffering.

    • anon

      low-key worried about the possibility of a wildfire. But busy preparing for the power shutdown and the smoke clouds that are certain to happen. Ugh.

      • Anon

        Same. Mostly trying to get ahead of the shut down. The map shows me in the shut down area but the address lookup does not. Very confusing.

    • Anon

      As always, my thoughts are with those closest to the fires. I’m on the Peninsula and I think we’re in for some bad air.

      I’ve set up air purifiers, added some weather stripping to a door, and am planning on a weekend of being hunkered down. I’m also reaching out to my kids’ schools about air quality plans. I’m tempted to reach out to the PTA to suggest the purchase of air purifiers for each classroom since bad air is becoming an annual event.

  7. Anon

    Does anyone here have YouTube channel recommendations? I’m looking for some productivity motivation and I like channels like Amy Landino’s but I kinda feel like her content has been a little stale for my taste. All my searches pulled up channels appealing too much to high school/college students to be useful.

    • Anonymous

      Are you looking for motivation with stuff like house cleaning and home stuff? These are some I follow, but they are a bit SAHM focused.

      Til Vaccuum Do Us Part
      This Crazy Life
      Amy Darley
      Brianna K

      • Anon

        Not a SAHM myself but I do appreciate content made by/for SAHM (the level of thought required to be productive as a parent tends to be higher than those w/o kids, so the amount of thought put in to help people be productive is usually better thought out than content geared toward students). I’ll check those channels out. Thanks!

    • Anon 2.0

      I love Jen Chapin. She does awesome meal prep videos and is a full time working mom. I like these cooking/cleaning/homemaking channels but find it had to relate to all the upper middle class SAHMs.

  8. Ellen Griswold

    Friends, ya’ll were so super helpful with recommendations for restaurants and fun stuff to do in London and Paris, I’m hoping you can help me with Amsterdam, Brussels, and Frankfurt. All recommendations are welcome!!

    TIA

    • Anonymous

      Shopping in Marylebone/Bond Street area especially during sale seasons! There’s an incredible Sri Lankan restaurant in Marylebone High Street (main drag) that is so good but I cannot remember the name.

    • Wish I was going back to Amsterdam

      In Amsterdam, the Seafood Bar (Ferdinand Bolstraat 32) had some of the best seafood I’ve ever had. I loved the Rembrandt house museum. Since you are on this site, you might really enjoy the Handbag Museum too! It was one of the most enjoyable smaller quirky museums (also has a gift shop). Our favorite thing to do was just take walks along the canals, but take a canal boat tour, it was worth it even if it was touristy.

      • Ellen

        I was in Amsterdam with my dad, and we had a big issue with all of the poopie on the streets and sidewalks. I had to throw 2 pairs of sneaker’s out, including one that I had just bought b/f the trip b/c of the poopie. Dad also took us through the so-called red-light district, where a lot of cute women stay inside sitting in their windows. If you wanted to go in and have s-x with them, they would let you in, and close the curtains. Dad told Mom he never went in to any of them b/c he did not think he should ever have to pay for s-x. I think Dad might have had women there who would have s-x with him for free, b/c they wanted to come to the USA to live if he would marry them.

    • Anonymous

      Lived in Germany 9 years and only went to Frankfurt for the airport. It’s not a particularly charming city. But Heidelberg is, and so is Wurzburg, both short train rides away. Or, if you can, drive/boat along the Rhine and see the castles and vineyards.

    • Editrix

      BBQ in Amsterdam in an ancient bar was spectacular. Café de Klos. If there’s a wait you can go across the street for an interesting beer.

  9. Anon

    Need some shopping help– We just upgraded to a king size bed, and I need a new duvet cover. Bedroom walls are light grey. Floor is dark brown. Bed is cream with dark brown accents and is a farm-house style. Looking for something lightweight/cooling and that washes easily. Any thoughts?

  10. anon for this

    I am so mad at Facebook. I genuinely think they don’t care about the truth or how they have damaged democracy. And now they’ve doubled down by naming Breitbart as a “trusted news partner.” And yet I can’t quit because it is the only way that parents at my kids’ school communicate, but it enrages me to log in. Advice, commiseration welcome.

    • Anonymous

      Commiseration – I try to use it as little as possible. Mostly for keeping track of school/community events as you note.

    • Anon

      Yeah I’m pretty enraged too. I’ve been thinking about deactivating. But it’s the only way I communicate with many high school and college friends and is my main source of communication with local moms who are acquaintances but haven’t graduated to real friends yet (ie., I don’t have their numbers). I feel like I’d be cutting off my nose to spite my face. But I hate Zuckerberger and the company. I don’t post anything these days and try to only check it every couple of days for a few minutes at a time. Hopefully that cuts down on ad revenue at least.

    • Anon

      I’m stuck on this one, too. I think Facebook is terrible, I think Evil Android Alien Zuckerberg is terrible. And yet it’s insanely hard to stop using. I pretty much never post anything anymore, just lurk and like cute cat pictures. Maybe someday I’ll be able to wean myself off completely.

    • Anon

      I quit Facebook for these reasons and it was so easy. I thought I’d miss it more but I really don’t. F*ck that company.

      • Anon

        Same, I created a “burner” email and “burner” unassociated name fb account specifically for those annoying neighborhood associations and clubs that only communicate via fb. My personal account and info are gone forever (I downloaded all of my history at once to preserve the memories).

        • BeenThatGuy

          +1 I did this 2 years ago and have been so much happier about life ever since

      • Anon

        Same. I’ve missed having access to local communities to sell and buy used things, but just take my chance with craigslist or ask neighborhood friends to post for me. OP, how well do you know the other parents? Perhaps a small group could start a move away from FB?

    • Anon

      It’s frustrating as heck. The best I do to try and reconcile it is to hope that maybe I can be help make a future where social media is not looked upon as a trusted source for news, and people are more proactive about fact-checking, and hope that balances out the fact that I am lining the slime’s pockets just by using their service.

      • Anon

        I’m actually teaching a college-level course on that very thing. My students love it and are becoming very critical consumers of news, especially on social media.

    • Anon

      I’m actually teaching a college-level course on that very thing. My students love it and are becoming very critical consumers of news, especially on social media.

    • Anon

      Overreact much? So who cares if it features news you don’t like/don’t agree with/don’t think is real? Frankly it’s likely not showing you that news anyway but even if it is, here’s a hint — don’t use FB for news, use actual news website. How do you stumble thru life with overreactions like this?

      • Anon

        So is this your hobby? Being a dick on corpor3tte?

        How do you stumble though life indeed.

      • Anonymous

        I’m sorry your life is so terrible that you feel the need to take your anger out on people on the Internet this way. Maybe contemplate that if this is the energy you radiate in real life, off the Internet? That’s probably why you’re lonely.

      • Anon

        Clearly the problem isn’t people like you, who don’t use social media for news, it’s the fact that everyone else does and that’s a problem. So unless you’ve got a compelling plan for how to convert the masses and turn them away from social media, then I would suggest you stop talking like you are a reflection of the world and the problems (or lack thereof) in it.

    • Anon

      I quit FB for 10 years and I’m so glad to be back. I hate what’s going on politically but I became pretty socially isolated not being on social media. That’s in part b/c I have friends all over the world and also because it’s primarily how my friends communicate. People legit forgot to invite me to parties because they’d just put it in their status or a FB invite and then give me crap for not showing up when I didn’t even know about it. My friends all talk on FB messenger not texting. Though you can deactivate FB and still use messenger. I just hide posts I don’t want to see, don’t use it for news, and use it to keep up with what is going on with my friends and family. Most people in my circle have taken their political rantings to Twitter so I don’t see much of it on FB.

    • Paper chaser

      I quit Facebook about 3 years ago. It is pretty inconvenient since my kids’ school events, a service organizations, and a lot of social matters are exclusively posted on Facebook. I feel like I miss out on a lot of stuff, but, can’t bring myself to rejoin and hope there is an alternative platform for all of this soon.

    • Anonymous

      I would love to quit – I quit for a year, a couple of years ago – but it’s the only way my far-flung extended family stays in touch with each other. Also, our neighborhood association (we could use Nextdoor, but they don’t) and my son’s school use it to communicate.
      I use Firefox to browse with an adblocker and the Facebook “container” enabled and I also don’t do more inside Facebook, or stay on it longer, than I absolutely have to. I don’t have the Facebook app on my phone and I don’t use Messenger. I will say, among my son’s friends (he’s 14), Facebook isn’t a thing. They all think it’s lame and for old people. So maybe in a few years this will sort itself out? I have hope.

    • Anon

      I blocked all news sites on Facebook. It took a while, but I now no longer see posts shared from any major media source. Then I unfollowed a bunch of people (everyone I know on Facebook who reposts things).

      Most of my family only keeps in touch on Facebook, so I didn’t want to just leave.

  11. kk

    You all. Yesterday, my coworker plugged in his phone in our rental car so that he could put up directions for us. You know how sometimes the car will auto-play the most recently played media? What came up on his phone was p0rnhub, and while thank got it didnt go straight to video, it did show us all the title and names of the performers.
    I think I’m the only person who saw it while everyone was putting on our seatbelts, and later while getting ready for the meeting, I mentioned that I’m going to be careful to check whats on my phone/computer before I plug in. He turned red so I think he knows what I meant, but immediately changed the subject. I get that you do what you od in your spare time, but kind of skeeved out about working with him.

    • Anon

      Oh, relax. It was a mistake. I’m sure you have habits that others wouldn’t love.

      • Anon For this

        No it is dangerous. You could find yourself with this man alone some time and the last thing you want is for him to let his worm out and tell you to please him. Not for me. Thank you very much.

    • Anon

      Ew. We’re long overdue for a discussion on this site about how p*rn is harmful. When the top videos in the world are exceptionally, brutally violent against women, it’s no longer “sexy!” and “just a fantasy!” and “empowering!” It’s exploitative and objectifying and physically harmful for women (the women in the videos and women who partner with men who watch them). That’s to say nothing of the evidence that it contributes to depression and ED – not to mention the astronomic rise in teen girls requesting labiaplasty.

        • Anon

          Don’t roll your eyes, you over-privilged cupcake. Women in that industry are addicted to drugs, exploited, and commit suicide.

          • Anon

            The original comment wasn’t coming from a place of concern about women in the industry, it was a moral judgment about the men and women who enjoy watching it. I’m all for more regulation of the industry so women who work in it can be treated better.

          • Anon

            It needs to be banned, not regulated, just like slavery and child labor (which, not-so-shockingly, are both over-represented in the industry). There’s no acceptable level of violence against women.

          • Anonymous

            No. Many of the women involved in sex work choose to do it and they are not addicted to drugs or suicidal. Sex work is work and the trope that women have to be damaged to choose to be sex workers is patently wrong. Educate yourself, especially before you shoot your mouth off.

          • Anonymous

            Wow we are all better off for having had this Conversation(tm) brought to us by a team of Anons.

          • Anon

            To be fair I think this conversation is being held exclusively by just one Anon. (Not me!)

          • Anon

            Everyone is anonymous here. You’re not better than us for using a different handle than “anon.”

            Porn isn’t feminist. Pro tip: if your beliefs align exactly with what the most hideous, perverted men want you to be doing, it’s not feminism.

          • Anonymous

            “Porn isn’t feminist. Pro tip: if your beliefs align exactly with what the most hideous, perverted men want you to be doing, it’s not feminism.”
            This statement alone leads me to believe that you have some hangups that are best worked out in (say it together, everyone!) therapy. Not all porn is about what “hideous, perverted” men want women to be doing. As someone else pointed out, 30% of viewers on Pornhub are women. Please do not attempt to tell me what is feminist and what is not; you are not the arbiter of that. You also don’t get to decide for everyone what we should talk about here or what course the conversation should take. If you feel you are lacking empowerment and agency in your life, please work that out elsewhere. Not here.

      • Anonymous

        This is a good point. I commented below that it can be “healthy” but actually I’m not sure it can. Is there a healthy variety out there? I have no idea. I’ve been with my husband for many years and he is a kind, considerate man, but we still occasionally run into gardening issues in the theme of “what happens in p*rn does not work in real life”.

      • Anon

        Not all p0rn is violent. My husband and almost all men I know partake, but none of my friends or I have ever felt compelled to get a labiaplasty or enormous breast implants. I can’t even be bothered to shave or wax most of the time and have never heard any complaints. If a man is comparing you to p0rn stars unfavorably, the problem is the man, not the p0rn.
        I agree with you that teenage girls don’t have great self-esteem in general, but most of them spend far (far, far) more time on social media than around p0rn and I’ve never heard anyone suggest we need to ban gorgeous, “natural” Hollywood celebrities from posting their photos. Personally, a photo of a celebrity like Jennifer Garner who is naturally gorgeous is more of a hit to my self-esteem than a photo of some adult movie star who is obviously surgically enhanced, so the idea that the p0rn industry is destroying young girls self-esteem is just ridiculous to me.

        • Anon

          That’s nice that you and your friends aren’t personally pursuing labiaplasty, but to use actual data, 400 U.S. girls ages 18 and younger had the procedure in 2015 – a 80% increase from 2014. This number does not include girls who had the procedure performed by a gynecologist. In the UK, the rate of labial reductions on women and girls increased 5x in 10 years.

          • Anon for this

            Were those really done cosmetically, though? I’m very skeptical that a reputable doctor (and I know some are not) would do a cosmetic procedure like that on a teenager. But some people just have weirdly shaped stuff. (I do, and I’ve thought about trying to get something done a lot of times for reasons that have nothing to do with how it looks – there’s an aspect of a certain part just being uncomfortable.)

          • Anon

            Yep, cosmetic. I’m sure some of those cases were borderline, though – there have always been some girls/women who have required the procedure due to discomfort. The more interesting findings are in the increases over time.

          • Anonymous

            I am laughing like crazy at the idea that a whole 400 girls (out of a population of 300 million people) having labiaplasties is some kind of sign of the porn-induced apocalypse. How do you know those procedures were elective – did you ask all 400 people? And if they were elective – we’ve had discussions here about women getting rhinoplasties, breast implants, facelifts, tummy tucks, etc. and it’s always been presented as “it’s my choice” and “I feel empowered” to do this. How are the labiaplasties any different? Why should you get to tell these young women how they should feel about their bodies? Isn’t THAT antifeminist?

          • Anon

            Seriously, do you have any idea how many people die of the flu every year in the US? About 80,000. And yet, we still all live our lives, go to school, travel, hang out with friends, even though those things make it much more likely we’ll get flu. Because even though 80,000 sounds like a very big number, the risk of dying from flu is still incredibly small. 400 people doing this allegedly porn-induced procedure is NOTHING. And any increase isn’t very meaningful when you’re talking about a sample size that small.

      • Anon

        Haha long overdue? I’m sorry, are there assigned discussions here? Am I behind on my homework?

        • Anonymous

          Maybe because society has moved on to more important topics? Just a thought.

          • Anon

            Or because challenging p*rn’s ubiquity raises uncomfortable questions about the men we spend our lives with, amirite?

          • Anon

            You know tons of women enjoy porn, right? This is not a men-only thing by any means and I find it kind of strange that you and the other porn critics are making this all about men.

          • Anonymous

            “Or because challenging p*rn’s ubiquity raises uncomfortable questions about the men we spend our lives with, amirite?”
            I’m extremely comfortable about the man I spend my life with as my partner. If the men I work with or are friends with watch porn, I don’t care. That’s their business. Again, I’m just going to say you seem to have a lot of issues going on that really don’t have anything to do with the core issue of this topic, and I’m not sure your airing of those issues here is productive. I also think you may have misjudged your audience.

      • Anonymous

        Wow, I would love to have the time and mental bandwidth to monitor the content here and be able to make pronouncements about when we are “overdue” to have certain conversations.

      • Anon

        P0rn isn’t bad. Human trafficking is and no, the two aren’t synonymous. Don’t harm *actual* human trafficking victims by conflating the two.

        • Anonymous

          Yes, this.
          Not all sex workers are trafficked. Not all sex workers are addicts. Not all sex workers are victims of molestation as children or relationship violence. Some women choose to be sex workers because the benefits of participating in sex work are attractive to them. Just like the benefits of being in my profession are attractive to me. Their choice to participate in sex work takes nothing away from me. I am a feminist and I am sex-positive. I do not agree, on any level, with telling women what they can or can’t do with their bodies or making moral judgments about people engaging in sex work. To me that is against everything feminism is supposed to be about.

    • Really?

      You’re being unnecessarily judgy here I think. Often when I plug in my phone it starts playing from the default Apple Music app that I never use anymore, and it’s always something like 2013 Taylor Swift or High School Musical.
      Plus it can be hard to get to sleep in strange hotel rooms and… getting rid of tension… can help with that.

      • Anon

        Yep. Do I want to think about my co-workers doing this activity? Of course not. But I’m aware that almost all men and a lot of women do it, and I just don’t think it’s that shameful. It’s not like he told about about this on purpose, and your reaction seems incredibly judgy and uptight.

      • kk

        Yeah, I get that- It’s just that 2013 taylor swift isnt technically inappropriate for the workplace. It’s just a professionalism thing.

        • Anon

          This isn’t “inappropriate for the workplace” either. It was on a personal device and there’s no indication he was watching during working hours. If you watched some p*rn you might get off and not be so uptight all the time. Just a thought.

          • Anon

            Wow, what a disgusting, misogynistic post. I can’t even deal with how crude and offensive that is coming from another woman on a site like this. I’m sure I’ll get accused of “tone policing” for being disgusted by you.

          • Anon

            It was very tongue in cheek. But I do think p*rn is normal and many people watch it, and it’s silly to be so horrified by finding out a coworker watched it privately outside of work.

        • Anonymous

          How is this a professionalism issue? He did not intentionally share that content with colleagues.

        • anon

          Dude. He didn’t intentionally introduce it into the work place. Let’s pretend I split my pants bending over and someone sees my underwear, but I cover myself up as fast as possible and excuse myself. Underwear is not professional workplace attire. Would you sit there and shriek at me that I’m not being professional? No. You are way off base and just trying to stir the pot, and just made your coworker feel incredibly uncomfortable just because you could.

          • Anonymous

            And it would also be very inappropriate and unprofessional for someone to then point out, especially if of the opposite gender, that they saw your underwear.

    • Anon

      I think you were out of line for mentioning it to him. It’s not like he purposefully put it on. It sounds like an embarrassing accident and it would have been best for you to have pretended not to see it. What is there to be skeeved out about – that he is an adult who watches p0rn? I think most people would fall into that category…

      • Anonymous

        +1. The only one who did something wrong here was you by trying to shame him for an accident. He didn’t mention porn–you’re the one who chose to bring it into conversation.

    • Anon

      Yikes. It’s clearly an accident. There’s zero evidence he was trying to sketch out or creep on his co-workers and it seems kind of cruel to call him out on it like that for something that a very large percentage of people do in private.

      • Anonymous

        This. Unless the titles were something that made you particularly uncomfortable due to suggestions of violence or underage aspects, I’d be inclined to empathetically ignore that it happened. On the other hand, it sounds like the titles that came up may have made you feel particularly uncomfortable and what you said is a relatively gentle way of making it clear that he needs to watch what he’s presenting to others.

      • Anonymous

        I’m in this boat. Clearly an accident. But within 90% of my co-workers, I’d have almost zero chance of not ribbing them about it somehow or making a comment like OP did.

      • Anonymous

        Eh. That would make me uncomfortable enough to consider contacting HR. I’m not totally convinced this wasn’t designed to make the op uncomfortable. And it totally worked. What kind of creep watches this moments before a work meeting?

        • Anon

          You have no idea that he watched it moments before! It was just the last video played, could have easily been viewed the night before. Sorry but I think it’s absurd to go to HR over this. He did nothing wrong.

          • Anonymous

            He showed her to his p@rn titles and failed to apologize or clarify that it was a mistake. That’s out of line and it’s totally reasonable for the OP to be skeeved out. And yeah, it’s always an “accident “ with men like this. And we’re always deemed “uptight.” But telling your coworkers about your p@rn habits seems like classic hostile workplace garbage to me.

          • Anonymous

            No, Anon @4:03. Read again. The title automatically flashed on the screen before he could turn it off. He did not “show” or “tell” anyone anything, he stopped it before the video could play, and he was embarrassed and said nothing in the hopes that no one noticed. Apparently, only the OP did notice and she then called him out on it to be sure that what could have been a non-event became an event and he felt shamed. The term “hostile workplace” is a term of art with a meaning; devaluing it serves no one.

          • Anon

            Omg he did not “tell her about his porn habits.” That would be a totally different situation. He used a personal phone in a context in which it makes sense to do so (work trip) and his phone happened to reveal some embarrassing, private information. The pants splitting analogy above is a very good one – the result is inappropriate for the workplace, but absent evidence of unprofessional intent, it’s not punishable conduct.

        • Anonymous

          WOW! Really? There is no reason to think this was intentional. There is no reason to think he watched it “moments before a work meeting,” just that perhaps he hadn’t watched anything more recently, or that it just happened to be a page he forgot to close on his browse. Yet you would try to ruin his career over an accidental sharing of personal material? If I were in your HR, I would want to counsel you about boundaries, not him.

        • Anonymous

          WTH!? It’s his personal phone!! You have no idea when he was watching it. You are making a lot of assumptions here.

        • anon

          This is a baseless conspiracy theory. You have no reason whatsoever to think he was trying to make her uncomfortable.

        • Anonymous

          I work in HR. If you contacted me about this, there would be absolutely nothing we would or could do about it if it was clear the incident was accidental, which it was if the OP’s description of the incident is accurate. Companies have zero control over what people do on their personal devices, unless the device is wholly or partially company paid. If it’s his device he can do what he wants with it. Also, watching porn is not illegal. So whether or not it “skeeves someone out” there’s no action for the company to take. The absolute most that I would do is casually counsel the coworker to be more careful about using private browsing windows or clearing his history before connecting his phone to the car in front of coworkers. It would be a five-minute conversation. That’s it. OP please do not let your overreaction damage this person’s reputation or career, which p.s., you could be held informally responsible for if you belabor the issue or won’t let it go. I speak from experience that people who overreact in situations where coworkers make honest mistakes, especially if they make a habit of it, are not looked upon favorably by senior management when promotion time rolls around.

    • Anonymous

      I get it, theoretically this is all fine and normal, albeit even healthy if in moderation (and depending on the category) behavior, when done in private. But that’s theoretical. Actually seeing it on my coworker’s phone would creep me out too. But why intentionally shame him like that?

      • Never too many shoes...

        Cruel and, in my view, unprofessional as well.

        You say in your follow up that it is “just a professionalism thing” but your first post says you are “skeeved out about working with him” which is incredibly judgey. If you only feel comfortable working with men and women that never look at porn, well, you should consider running your own business…because it is ubiquitous.

        • Anonymous

          Or maybe it was creepy thing designed to look like an accident? I can see this happening accidentally and being fine with it. Laughing even. For it creep me out it would have to be done by a creepy person, such as the kind of chauvinist the OP describes below. I trust her instinct that she’s not overreacting.

          • Vicky Austin

            If it were a creepy thing designed to look like an accident, I feel like the guy would be a more repeat offender of creepily manipulating women into uncomfortable situations. OP says he makes crass comments (which is absolutely its own problem!), but intentionally creating ambiguous sexual situations like this seems so much more like something you’d read about a serial killer doing in high school.

            Plus, the obvious reaction of embarrassment. He can be gross in public and still be embarrassed about other private grossnesses. Somebody trying to be manipulative would delight in OP’s discomfort and likely attempt to use it as his come-on if she mentioned it to him later.

    • Anon

      I feel so bad for your coworker. He was obviously embarrassed when it happened and then you had to kick him while he was down by pointing out that you noticed?

      • kk

        hmm. Does it change your opinion that he’s generally an entitled chauvinist douchebag dude bro in general? He makes a lot of comments about womens bodies (waitresses and flight attendants especaially on this trip)
        I’d happily let it go if it was a coworker I liked and admired, but that’s not the case here.

        • Anon

          I agree with both the criticism and you, OP. I can’t say I’d be above doing the same thing. But it does sound like you were skeeved out by him anyway and this just made you feel that more strongly.

        • Anon

          Well, those comments sound inappropriate. But your post was just about the porn, nothing else, and I don’t think the porn is the issue here at all. If he’s a chauvinist who comments about women’s bodies, then that’s inappropriate and unprofessional. But he’s not unprofessional or skeezy because you saw evidence that he was privately doing something 99.9% of men do.

        • Worry about yourself

          That does seem like important information, but how exactly were we supposed to infer that from your original post?

          • anonymous

            Well, we weren’t because this is probably just someone trying to stir the pot. “I’d happily let it go if it was a coworker I liked and admired, but that’s not the case here.” <—Sounds like an MRA straw man of a vindictive woman in the work place just out to get some man in trouble and ruin his career. OP, can you please connect the dots for us, logically, between his chauvinism and the fact that his phone inadvertently displayed a p0rn title?

        • Of Counsel

          kk – The problem with your co-worker is not that he watched porn on his personal phone (probably during non-work hours) and that you were accidentally exposed to it. The problem is not even that having been inadvertently exposed, you felt the need to point it out to him (which I would ordinarily find rude and a bit mean; I accidentally flashed a coworker once and he was kind and decent enough to pretend it had never happened). The problem is that he makes unprofessional comments about women’s bodies to a co-worker. If you want to report him to HR, or even just call him out, then focus on what the real problem is and not his private viewing habits.

          The comments are a real problem. Judging him for his porn viewing habits (assuming that he did not intend to subject you to them even in the fairly innocuous way you described) makes you sound judgmental and biased.

        • Anonymous

          When we encounter people we dislike, it’s not hard to find reasons to continue to dislike them. I’m sorry your coworker is a jerk. It doesn’t change my opinion of the incident. It was inadvertent and making a big deal of it will say more about you than it does about him.
          If your coworker is saying inappropriate things or otherwise creating an environment where you feel uncomfortable, that should be taken to HR (having a list of the incidents is helpful; we can’t do anything about “I don’t like this guy because I think he’s creepy, no I don’t have specific examples of behavior to report”). Do not go to HR about this or include it in your list. This does not qualify as “creating a hostile environment.”

    • Anon

      I can guarantee he is not the only person you work with who watches that sort of thing. If it was his personal phone, who cares. He wasn’t trying to show it to you.

    • Worry about yourself

      Ehhh . . . I get that his mistake caused an uncomfortable moment for you, but the reality is, a lot of us pleasure ourselves, and look at content online to help with that. I’ll bet nearly everyone I work with looks at porn sometimes, it’s not really a big deal. He didn’t show it to you on purpose, he didn’t take pleasure in your discomfort, it was an honest mistake, cut the guy some slack!

    • anon

      I am going to second the “unnecessarily judgy” comment. I mean if porn grosses you out, then don’t watch porn, but not everyone who does is super skeevy (and in the case of Pornhub, about 30% of them are women).

      If he had INTENDED to subject you to that, obviously totally gross but it sounds like this was genuinely an error.

    • anon

      Oh come on. I, for one, have never had my phone automatically play anything like that. He didn’t do it on purpose and I’m sure if he could go back in time and fix it he would have. You have no reason to think otherwise. He’s probably absolutely mortified. If you’re going to be skeeved out by anyone who watches p0rn…. oh honey.

      • Anon

        We don’t know he didn’t do it on purpose. He could have been embarrassed that OP called him out if he was expecting the woman to be shocked/silent. Men do all kinds of nasty sh*t (exhibit A: men in p*rn) so I don’t see why we should give him the benefit of the doubt, especially if he’s a known creep.

        • anon

          Just no. We have no reason to think he deliberately some how exposed OP to a p0rn title. Your second sentence makes no sense– if he was embarrassed after the fact, that doesn’t imply intent to do it. Rather, that implies the opposite. That it was an accident. There were also other people in the car– do you think he wanted to show multiple coworkers? If it was intentional, a s3xist jerk probably would have made some snide comment about it. Yeah men do all kinds of nasty sh*t but that doesn’t mean that we assume something that looks, walks, and talks like an accident was not. You and OP are assuming intent and there is no evidence of it.

          Notably, in her initial post OP said she was skeeved out now, because of the p0rn. Not because of his purported general chauvinism. If she thought this was intentional she would have said so.

  12. Anonymous

    If I don’t already have a “good” pair of over the knee boots, should I still consider one? I keep seeing girls in them but I thought they were big in like 2013.

    • Abby

      I don’t see them nearly as frequently, but if you like them, go for it! If you are wondering about trends, I wouldn’t invest at this point.

    • Anon

      No, even I know this trend is way out and I’m not someone who follows trends that closely.

      • Anon

        +1. It will be interesting to see fashion stuff as winter goes on, but I would hold off.

  13. NOLA

    As for glitter nail polish, I recently tried Color Street, the stick on polish that’s real nail polish. The first time was rough, but the second time got a whole lot easier. It lasts about two weeks and you just add a top coat. Yeah, I know it’s a MLM, but the person selling it is someone I know and her investment is pretty small and they aren’t expensive. I would buy more, but their colors tend to run more to glitter or nail art, or pinkish colors that I don’t wear.

  14. Postpartum friendly leggings

    Just had baby # 2 yesterday! Any recommendations for postpartum-friendly leggings? Looking for warm and comfy rather than athletic.

  15. cHL

    I’m looking for advice on coat for an upcoming trip to London (week after next). We plan to do all the tourist things and be out walking most of the day, plus a couple nicer dinners. My options are a black wool j.crew dress coat, a gray knee length North Face down coat (lighter down), and a Uniqlo black lightweight down puffer. I also have a black leather jacket. If the 10 day forecast stays accurate, I would probably be most comfortable at that temperature at home in the North Face or the leather jacket. Should I worry that my puffer won’t be “fancy” enough to go out to a nice restaurant like twice? It seems silly to bring two coats and on top of all the actual logistics of traveling and planning for my kids’ care while we’re gone, it is breaking my brain!

    • Ribena

      A thin Uniqlo puffer will be fine pretty much everywhere. Is it waterproof? If not you will need an umbrella too. You can also make it look a little more dressed up by having good shoes and a good scarf.

    • Anonymous

      My vote is for leather. Can be dressed up and down. Londoners have an edgy angle and the leather would fit right in. Depends slight on your age I think. Younger you are, more you can get away with the leather for all occassions, IMHO.

    • Abby

      If this was me, I’d bring 2 coats if I had the room, the leather and the puffer.

      • The original Scarlett

        +1 – I’ve found I always end up wanting an option of a second dressier coat in London and a LJ hits that right

    • Cat

      if the leather accommodates layering and isn’t precious about getting wet if it rains, I’d go with that.

    • Velma

      I’d bring the leather one and, if space allows, also stuff in the thin puffer. London can feel surprisingly cold at any given temperature. Also pack a folding umbrella, a lightweight scarf (or buy one on the street–you’ll see them everywhere), and leather or other lightweight gloves.

  16. Anon

    This is so silly but can someone help me pick a color for the zojirushi mug? I can’t decide between black, “champagne gold”, or the dark blue. I generally prefer neutrals.

    • Abby

      I like the black the most, it looks a little matte and still sleek. But I also really like the champagne gold, since all of my other travel mugs are black I’d probably pick that one.

    • Cat

      I like the dark blue, but navy is one of the most flattering colors on me and I look terrible in almost all shades of beige-tan-champagne, so take that FWIW.

    • Anon

      I have two, champagne and black. The champagne one is starting to strip, exposing stainless underneath (still stainless, no rust). Black has kept all its color.

    • Anonymous

      Haha, I was in the same struggle in picking out mine and went with the black. Sounds like that was the right choice if the finish strips off the champagne gold color (although that color is really pretty).

  17. Trying to stay current

    What are you reading these days? Online reading suggestions for fashion, beauty, interesting perspectives, etc. Looking for short, interesting reading to stay current on fashion/beauty trends, interesting points of view on topics of current interest. Ideally it’s a site I can sign up for that pushes out a daily email. FREE is highly preferred.

  18. Anonymous

    Anyone know of a sweater similar to the J. Crew Tippi but with a slightly lower (like 1 or 2 inches lower) neck? I like everything about the Tippi (shoulder seams on top of shoulder not drop shoulders, bracelet sleeves, and thin wool material in lots of colors) but prefer to show more decolletage.

    • Anon

      I have found some nice tops from Banana Republic that are not crew, but slightly, slightly lower (below the clavicle is my preferred length) in a silk and merino blend. If you search BR for silk, you’ll find them.

    • Anon

      I have the merino wool sweaters from Talbots. Slightly different details than the Tippi but very comfortable necklines.

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