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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
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Anon
I’m looking at relocating to the Pentagon City/Crystal City, VA area. Locals, tell me – would you feel comfortable walking from 33rd & Crystal Drive to the Crystal City Metro station? G maps says it is about a 20 minute walk (1 mile) but I’m unsure if this is a well-walked route. I’d be doing this a few days a week in the morning and sometimes not coming home until 8 or 9pm.
Anon
With the caveat that I haven’t worked in Crystal City in about four years, but my impression always was that the neighborhood really cleared out after the work day and became a bit of a ghost town at night – to the point that our work happy hours weren’t even held in Crystal City – we’d metro back to DC and get drinks there.
Anon
Crystal City has really changed since Amazon HQ2 was announced. I always see people out and about during the evening when I’m in that area, and wouldn’t have concerns about the walk.
Anon
How Amazon-y does it seem now? I watched Silicon Valley recently and can’t see that in DC (but we do have group homes where you have gobs of hill staffers and interns crowding in to save $).
Anonymous
Not the person you’re replying to, but it doesn’t seem too Amazon-y yet. There’s an Amazon fresh coming in, and there are employees in at least one building on Crystal, but the big new buildings are still under construction.
Anon
I’d feel safe. Route 1 through there is never not busy, so it’s not like you’d be on a dark side street with no witnesses to something nefarious. I can’t say how many people walk it (I don’t go through there during rush hour to know), but there are so many condos and hotels there are just lots of people. And there’s lots of light at night through there too.
But it looks like there’s a bus stop right there – I’d check and see if it goes to the metro (which it surely does).
Anon
I’d feel safe. I know a woman who lives in that exact location and she walks to the metro frequently. Also, the new Potomac Yard station will be opening in a few months. That could be closer than the CC station. And as the other poster said, the bus runs right by there as well.
anon a mouse
That will definitely be closer to the new Amazon/Potomac Yard Station, and they will be connected by a well-traveled, well-lit bike path. Obviously stay street aware, but it’s pretty safe. If you like biking, you could cut the 20 minute walk to CC to about 5 on a bike, and it’s all pretty flat.
Anon
Hi! I live very close to there. It’s not a well-walked route, but I wouldn’t feel unsafe – there’s just not a lot of pedestrian traffic south of 26th street even with the new buildings. There is a bus (metroway) that will take you from the metro to your door.
Ellen
When I went to college and law school in DC, we used to take the Metro directly on the Orange Line to Pentagon City b/c the Mall there had some great stores and we could get yummy ice cream sunday’s and meet guys there. I was able to walk around there and have fun with my freinds. It has been a few years, as I am now 40, and I have no idea how the neighborhood is now. It was right near the Pentagon, so there were military people there too, and that help make me feel safe if I wasn’t already. I recall even that the Navy had people around Crystal City back then, wearing their White Uniforms, and I often got Ice Cream drippings on my own clotheing back then.
If you want the latest information, call your realtor and ask him/her if the neighborhoods before just jumping for a cheap place. I remember the Metro also goes into Anacostia, which Dad forbidded me to go into, so I stayed away.
Anonymous
Yes, you’ll be fine! I live a couple blocks from there and walk across route one to Crystal at 27th daily. From 33 to 27th is not as well traveled (they’re doing construction through there right now and sidewalks are separate street lanes, like a bike lane, instead of elevated normal sidewalks) but I would not feel unsafe. Once you hit 27th toward the metro, Crystal is busy as there are lots of hotels, office buildings, and restaurants. If you’re looking at the high rise apartments on Potomac Ave between 33 and 35 (which I’m assuming is the case– no SFHs on that side of route one), check to see if they have metro shuttles as another option.
Amy
I mean, it’s pretty safe/busy/well-trafficked, esp the northern half of that route. I’d be comfortable in terms of safety during daylight hours. But that seems pretty darn far. Can you live a bit further north, closer to the Metro?
Anon
I’d like to buy an electric body hair trimmer to use on my bikini area. Any recommendations? It seems like trimmers marketed to men for beard grooming are a good bet, but I’m open to any suggestions.
Anon
I have the Schick Hydro Trimmer that has a small trimmer on one end and a regular disposable blade on the other. I liked it until the battery ran out on the electric side. I also have a Panasonic electric shaver that I LOVE. I bought it for pool days when I didn’t want to full shower before I got into the pool. I will link below. I like it because it is rechargable and can be used in and out of the shower.
Anon
https://www.amazon.com/Panasonic-Electric-Electronic-Cordless-Operation/dp/B0018A32XS/ref=asc_df_B0018A32XS/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312136887781&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4464845475962278972&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9022817&hvtargid=pla-406644789015&psc=1
Anon
My husband has something called The Lawn Mower by Manscaped, for equivalent purposes. Seems to work well.
test me
I’ve had this one for years and it’s basic but does what I need it to do: https://smile.amazon.com/Panasonic-Portable-Adjustable-Settings-Operated/dp/B00005JS5C/ref=sr_1_4?crid=AFQEPF18WC83&keywords=panasonic+women+trimmer&qid=1655300865&sprefix=panasonic+women+trimmer%2Caps%2C60&sr=8-4
Monte
Yup, have the same one and it gets it done.
Anonymous
+1
Anon
Looking for an easy way to make espresso at home. I’m spending too much on iced lattes so want to find a workaround at home, but I don’t need a big fancy expensive setup. Just the nexus of inexpensive, easy, and quick. I don’t want a stovetop mokapot, but would be interested in a pour over type situation or a machine
Anonymous
Entry level nespresso
Curious
Get the Vertuo Plus if you do it (around $130, $180 with a frother, e.g. https://amzn.to/3zbocHN. Don’t get the latest model. It is break-y. You will need to descale the machine periodically.
Ribena
I’d go for one of the Original ones. The machine is slightly more expensive but the pods are now out of patent so you can buy generic ones. (This is true in the U.K. and Europe – assume also true elsewhere)
Anonymous
Nespresso is easy and quick but expensive. I have a Breville Bambino Plus that times the shot and the milk frothing (for hot lattes). I like it, but it makes a bit of a mess.
For a super easy iced latte alternative, I like the Chameleon bottled cold brew concentrate. It is so much better than homemeade or coffee shop cold brew.
Anon
Nespresso is about $1 a drink, far cheaper than any outside coffee shop though. I love mine.
Anon
Trader Joe’s makes their own version of Nespresso pods for $3.99 for a pack of ten. You can also buy a reusable pod.
Anon
I think you need to get the original line for those to work (I prefer the newer line coffees, so OP, you may want to spend a little time investigating if you’re interested)
Anon
Correct, but the original line is the “nexus of inexpensive, easy, and quick,” which is what she asked about.
IME, Nespresso is good enough that Starbucks isn’t worth the extra money, even if it’s marginally better. Spending $1.25 a day on the Vertuo line works for some people – it’s too much for me. Also, if you’re into lattes, marginal improvements in coffee quality are often lost in the milk and syrups.
Anon
And I think a dollar a cup is a bargain and the vertuo pods are worth it. OP should know that all Nespresso isn’t the same.
MagicUnicorn
Aeropress over anything pod-based if you are particular about your beans.
OP
Oh an aeropress is exactly what I was looking for. Thank you!!!
MagicUnicorn
Enjoy!
Anon
+1!
Anon
Yes an aero press makes the closest thing to a pressurized shot you can get without a plug in.
Anon
Yes especially for people like me who are such coffee snobs that we think Starbucks is gross. It’s Peet’s or a local Italian joint or homemade for me, and homemade wins 90% of the time. I have a pressurized portafilter espresso machine and I still make aeropress or pour-over depending on what I’m in the mood for. At the end of the day, it’s all about the very best roast on the very best, freshest beans.
Anonymous
You don’t have to be a coffee snob to think Starbucks is gross. I would rather have Nespresso than Starbucks.
Anon
I don’t think you need to be a coffee snob to think Starbucks is gross, I think you just need taste buds and the experience of trying something better. But I’ve had SO MANY people get offended that I don’t want anything from Starbucks (I will settle for an iced tea if pushed) that I just self identify as a coffee snob now to save the drama.
MK
I got a Breville Bambino a year ago and it’s wonderful. Basic little machine for espresso, has the wand to steam milk too. It was $300 when I bought it (plus $20 for an electric grinder which I realized I would need!). I definitely drink more lattes now than I did previously (3-4 times a week at home, vs. once a week or so from a coffee shop before I bought the machine). In addition to being less expensive in the long run, it also feels extremely luxurious to be able to enjoy good espresso or lattes without leaving the house, and to offer it to guests.
Anon
For espresso, I got an entry level delonghi and wish I’d got it sooner. For some reason I thought it would be hard to operate or inefficient, but it’s actually a breeze.
That said, I still drink pour-over coffee (including iced coffee). It just doesn’t taste anything like espresso. But I prefer iced pour-over with cream to an iced latte anyway.
Senior Attorney
+ a million for the DeLonghi. It’s expensive but so great!
IL
I also love Nespresso and it’s incredibly easy, quick, and reliable. It’s also on the cheap side for anything that will produce an actual espresso shot. I have this one: https://www.williams-sonoma.com/products/nespresso-essenza-mini-espresso-maker/?pkey=cespresso-makers I bought it on sale for less than $100.
But it might help to clarify – are you looking for iced coffee setup or a cold brew setup or an actual iced latte? The latte requires espresso shots, which require some sort of machine. Mokapots, pour overs, etc. all make brewed coffee which can be mixed with ice and milk but the resulting mixture may disappoint you because it lacks intensity and/or the emulsified oils that give you a good mouth feel. If you like cold brew, I’ve heard really good things about this Oxo setup: https://www.williams-sonoma.com/products/oxo-cold-brew-coffee-maker/?pkey=ccold-brew-coffee-makers
In-House in Houston
I know you didn’t ask this, but I wanted to give you another perspective. I was looking at alternatives to buying coffee too and I finally realized that while it does add up buying coffee every day, it was the one indulgence I grant myself. I take my lunch to work most days, don’t buy expensive clothes, clip coupons, etc. but buying coffee on my way to work every morning is a nice treat and I’m not going to deprive myself. Also, if you use the SB or DD app, they’re constantly giving away coffee. For example, at DD, if you order on the app (which I always do) on Mondays you get 100 points (200 points get you a free coffee) and I always use the free coffee to get something fancy/expensive. DD also has $2 Medium iced coffees everyday if you order on the app. I use a Keurig at home on the weekends and I started to grind my own beans so it’s much tastier. If you really enjoy stopping for coffee…do it and save elsewhere. You deserve it!!
OP
So i actually have a Panera membership for getting lattes and the like on my way to work. It’s on my walking commute, about 5 mins from my office but I want an alternative fir weekends, wfh days, and days I need a coffee to get out of bed. So I get my fill of coffee shop coffee!
I’m staring grad school (part time, still working full time) in the fall and thus am looking to cut a lot of discretionary spending as I now have to pay tuition
Anonymous
I ordered some furniture from Crate & Barrel’s website a few days ago, and my credit card told me the charge was declined because I got some information wrong (probably my zipcode, I recently moved). C&B’s website still shows the order status as in progress. Should I try to cancel the order with C&B? Is there anything else I need to do?
Anonymous
I would call customer service and see if they can rerun the card. That way you might save the order priority.
Anon
My NYC cab experience is mainly catching cabs to midtown from LGA and back. I recently took a no work trip to NYC and tried to cab around and found many cab drivers just refusing fares or demanding cash and to be off the meter. Is this normal for non-work travelers that go to no work places and don’t need to pay by card or to get receipts? I have been taking work trips to NYC for 10+ years and have never had this come up when I need cabs within the city before. I gave up and just did lots of walking and some subway trips.
nyc
I haven’t encountered this, although I was wondering if something like this might happen given rising gas prices. As you likely know, it’s illegal for them to act in this manner. Sorry you had this happen to you
Anon
This is why Uber was successful. That’s what I take around NYC.
Anon
So Uber works more like Town car services in NYC that you call and schedule — known route and agreed-on price? Uber in my city is . . . not great. Heavily aimed at the drunk bar crowd vs car-less trips at other times and in other parts of the city.
Anon
Huh, no, it just works like regular Uber. You call it from where you are and it takes you where you want to go. It’s not marketed at a particular crowd.in major cities, this is how you get around. Lyft too.same thing.
Anonymous
Yeah. You gay a price estimate when you book the trip from your starting location.
Anonymous
*get a price estimate
Anonymous
I used to ride the subway everywhere in NYC because I hate cabs and Uber. I have had exactly one decent Uber experience; every other one was terrible or downright scary. Not sure what I will do next time I am in NYC now that the subway has become so dangerous.
Anonymous
The subway is fine, really.
anon
I don’t know where you’re getting that it’s more like a town car service in NYC… it’s just regular old Uber. You typically get one within 1-7 minutes of calling it outside of exceptionally busy times (games and concerts getting out) or bad weather days.
Cat
? This is an odd comment to me. When you book an Uber at any time, you get a price and itinerary. You can also schedule Ubers up to 30 days in advance if you know what time you’re going to leave – like let’s say you have an early flight, you can book that 5am Uber to the airport the week before and not have to worry that there won’t be drivers in your area then.
Anon
What? I’ve had perfect experiences with Uber in NYC. And, very often, experience like OP describes with yellow cabs. I don’t know what you’re talking about when you say Uber is for the drunk crowd.
NYCer
I have not had that experience lately. I pay with credit cards or the Curb app almost exclusively in cabs. Can’t remember the last time I paid cash.
Shananana
The last time I was in NYC, there was an app you could use to book cabs like Uber, and I believe they have since reached an agreement to allow booking of yellow cabs right through uber now, so that may be the better bet. I will say I have good luck using Uber/Lyft like a cab in NYC when needed, there are so many usually the wait is short and since you are putting in where you are going less issues with fare changes/confusion.
I feel like what you are describing was what it was like when my friends all started moving out to Brooklyn and Queens 15 years ago, cross your fingers and hope the cabbie will actually leave the borough lol.
Anom
I’ve lived in NY for a decade. This has never happened to me. I’ve had non-cab drivers stop and offer to give me a ride when I’m trying to hale a cab late at night where the probably between rides car service driver wants cash and higher fare than I’d get with a cab. Cab drivers themselves have always been honest and rule following (if not traffic rule following).
London (formerly NY) CPA
Same. Actual NYC yellow cabs should never demand payment in cash, work off-meter, etc. I always use the Curb app to pay on my phone, since I find it easier to link during the drive and not have to worry about running a card as I’m trying to get out of the car.
I used to use Uber to get everywhere pre-COVID, but recently the cost is like double the equivalent yellow cab fare, so I try to find a yellow cab if I can.
Anon
Unfortunately that hasn’t been my experience. I have had to insist they turn on the meter, and I’ve had them try to ignore set pricing from the airports as well.
Anon
OP here. The difference might have been I was down a wheelie bag (signals work traveler) and up a kid (but still in normal sized cab). Ugh. Will try to Uber locally a bit (I drive/walk at home) so I get some ratings on it before my next NYC trip. Kid loved it (warm day that was sunny but not hot) and wants to go back, but on a rainy day, likely would have hated being that much out in the weather.
NYCer
I think it might have just been a fluke. Did you have this experience multiple times?? Plenty of NYC residents take cabs with kids and without suitcases every day.
AIMS
Yeah, this is unusual. I take way too many yellow cabs, with and without kids, and this almost never happens. I do try to pay cash but only because it’s more money for the driver that way, but it’s definitely not the norm for most people.
AIMS
One additional thought – maybe this was around 3/4 pm? This is a shift change time for most cabbies so sometimes they will only take a cash fare or refuse to take you at that time (unless you are going in their direction).
NYCer
Ah good call re shift change time! It definitely can be a pain to get a cab around then.
Anon
Shift change is why I switched to Uber. I almost missed a flight once because I couldn’t get a cab to pick me up around shift change – I had a suitcase and they didn’t want to go all the way to the airport.
Anon
OP here — yes — it was around then. Now it makes sense.
NYNY
This is absolutely a shift change thing. I’m sorry you experienced that.
I default to the subway and walking, but love yellow cabs and use them over app services in the city. There are fewer yellow cabs around than there used to be, and they can be hard to find in some neighborhoods now. But cab drivers are generally rule-followers, and I try to use them, pay cash, and tip big because I want them to continue to be available. It’s part of what makes NYC what it is.
anon
Ah, yes, shift change. If they have their lights on, then they’re supposed to pick you up and take you where you want to go. But at shift change, most have their lights off. It’s common enough for those to stop and ask for cash to drop you in the direction they’re already heading.
I’ve also experienced many NYC cabs refuse fares to other boroughs. I’ve even had one agree to take me to Brooklyn, then turn off the meter and kick me out just before the bridge. That was circa 2013-15, when all my NYC friends were switching to Uber and Lyft. (I moved away in 2011.)
Flats Only
Perhaps because Midtown to LGA is a nice hefty fare that makes it worthwhile for the driver to eat the cc processing fee, whereas going 4 or 5 blocks to your next tourist destination isn’t enough to justify it? With gas prices up drivers have to watch every penny.
Anon
I travel to NYC for work and the places I visit always want to call me a car to get to the airport and look at me funny when I say I will just grab a cab. [OTOH, spouse is floored that you can’t take the subway to the airports, although I did manage Newark -> Midtown once before my local airport seemed to drop it for just flying to LGA.]
AIMS
You can do subway to airtrain to JFK or bus to LGA. They are working on a train to LGA option now. In case your spouse is really inclined to stick to public transport.
Anon
I have done this but it takes so long (not OP)
anon
LIRR to Airtran to JFK.
Also Anon
We have the same problem in Boston, cab drivers claiming the card reader is broken (it IS illegal to drive with the reader broken, but they’re hoping most people don’t know that) or they’re very pushy about getting paid in cash and are rude to people who insist on paying with a card. It’s a big reason why I use Lyft, I know I can pay with a card because that’s the only option
Anon
I noticed a bad smell the last few days when I stepped outside (suburbia). Today I realized it’s most likely from the portable toilet on my neighbor’s construction site next door. I’m not sure whether to call the city or text my neighbor (who is living elsewhere). For some reason both options feel awkward. With the hot weather, it’s only going to get worse. It’s right next to the property line so I’m the only neighbor who’s really affected. I like to spend time outside in my own yard and now it’s not so inviting.
Anon
You call your neighbor not the city for goodness sake. Are you trying to start a war?
Anon
Exactly. Temporary awkward far surpasses outsourcing it to the city. “Hey Kate, I noticed that the portable toilet on your yard is smelling. Can you let the construction company know?”
Anon
Neighbor tends to blow me off/ignore me (not just with respect with their construction), but you are right, I need to start there.
Anon
Is it the blue disinfectant smell or sewage/sh*t smell? If the smell is the blue disinfectant, them’s the breaks… It is what it is. Just remember that it’s temporary and one of these days it may well be you with the port-a-john in the front yard.
If a sewage smell, you’ll probably have better luck if you call the vendor and ask for service. If you open the door of the port-a-john, there should be a schedule with service dates (usually serviced weekly or every other week). The contact info for the vendor is usually painted on the outside of the unit, but if it’s not, open the door and it’ll be inside somewhere.
Anon
yup it’s the sewage smell
anon
Don’t do this, it’s not her vendor to call, and especially not without talking to neighbor directly and/or to the construction workers on site who she probably interacts with more than neighbor. Mention it to neighbor, then them, and if still no resolution, mayyybe consider this step.
Anon
I’m not saying she should go full Karen (It’s uncalled for the vast majority of the time). It may not be something you deal with in your day to day, but porta-johns are a customer service business just like any other. No one there will have an issue with the OP calling and saying, “Hi, the john at 123 Jordan St needs to be serviced, it’s smelling full and attracting flies (or whatever the case may be).”
Cat
Text your neighbor and say “could you please have your contractor service the portapotty ASAP? It smells like it’s full.”
If they ignore you then proceed to call the portapotty company or flag down the contractor when they are ons-te.
Anon
Thank you all, I just texted the neighbor!
Seventh Sister
I’m the neighbor who probably wouldn’t notice the smell even if I was living at the property. My sense of smell is terrible thanks to years and years of now-off-the-market allergy meds. I’d be grateful for a text.
Shanananana
Planning a 40th bday 10 day trip to Portugal for November and looking for recommendations in the Porto and Lisbon areas. I love food and wine and work in that industry so that will be the large focus of the trip, but also enjoy getting in some culture/museums/seeing great things. I try to prioritize smaller locally owned hotels when I travel and putting money directly into the local economy whenever I can, but open to any ideas to add to the idea board as we work through it. Not a romantic trip, best friend and sister and her husband are joining me, but we all travel similarly to the above and love both small neighborhood joints and over the top many course chef’s dinners. First big trip back to Europe in about 7 years, so very excited!
Anon
In the Porto area:
Gazete Azulejos tile class
Dinner at Muu
Go into the Douro Valley for at least a day (Quinta Da Corte and Quinta do Tedo were favorites)
Croft winery
In Lisbon:
Piri Piri Chicken at Churrasquinho do Bairro at Mercado De Campo De Ourique
Cervejaria Ramiro
National Tile Museum was also neat
Enjoy your trip and birthday! Portugal is awesome!
Anon
Also, if you are looking for some bubbly to celebrate, a Portuguese producer called Quinta do Rol makes an absolutely amazing sparkling wine – I got it at a corner wine shop called Adega & Sabores de Portugal.
Jennifer
Oporto Road Trips has a lovely full-day trip to Douro wine country. I really recommend it.
Undereye Filler
Has anyone had filler under their eyes? I’m mid-40s, have some hollowing, and am considering this. But I’ve read that contrary to what I thought, which is that the filler disappears after about a year, filler remains in the body and can disfigure you years down the road. Is there any truth to this?
Z
I can’t comment on the filler disappearing and disfiguring – but I will say you should get it done by a dermatologist, cosmetic surgeon, or a medical esthetician at a derm’s office. Don’t go to a med spa or injection salon in a salon suite. I’ve seen people get very bad and lumpy filler from those places.
In-House in Houston
I didn’t have filler but over the holidays I had an under-eye blepharoplasty to remove the bags under my eyes. I purchased everything under the sun that supposedly helped with puffy under-eyes and nothing work, so I went to a plastic surgeon and I’m SO glad I did. The healing time was a little longer than I thought it would take, but the results are phenomenal. No more bags and I feel so much better about myself. I would encourage you to go to a cosmetic surgeon to find out the best options. Fillers might be a good temporary fix (at a dermatologist office) but a long-term solution might be far better. Just a suggestion. Good luck!!
AIMS
Ooh, I’d love to hear more. I have genetic puffy under eyes and nothing helps and it all seems to be getting worse with age. But I am a wuss when it comes to any medical procedure. What was it like? How was healing? How expensive? Side-effects? Long term prognosis?
In-House in Houston
Happy to provide details. I went to a specialist in my town – had a consult and she said I was a great candidate. Her website had a ton of before/after so I felt comfortable that she knew her stuff. She told me that the eyes are the focal point of the face (duh!) and that the bags were making me look old and tired. I opted to do it over the holidays so I wouldn’t have to go in the office looking “like I had work done! It’s an out-patient procedure and I don’t remember a thing. Hubby took me and I remember going into the room and the next thing I was in a wheelchair on my way out. I was pretty swollen for about 3-4 days -used frozen peas constantly and Aquaphor. I also had the CO2 process around my eyes to help with fine lines. The only side effects was the swelling and redness, which is to be expected. Now, 6 months later, I’m so so pleased. The only person who knows I had this work done is my hubby and my bestie. When I went back to work after the holidays, people said things like “you look great, you must’ve had a relaxing holiday”. The doctor said it should last at least 10 years. I’d definitely do it again in 10 years if I needed. The cost was around $7500. I used to wear waterproof mascara every day but stopped because of the rubbing. I use regular mascara now and just wipe gently (not sure if it matters, but makes me feel like I’m not damaging the under-eye area.
Anon
Also following. I’m in my early 40s and have always had eye bags, and was told after a consult that I’m not a good candidate for fillers and should instead thing about an eye job, so now trying to learn more about that process.
Anon
I don’t think that surgery fixes hollowing, only bags.
Anonymous
Have you talked to an injector about this? My doctor put filler in my cheeks, which made my under eye area look less hollow but didn’t have the risks of injecting that area. It lasted several years in my mid 30s. Ymmv but I’d lost cheek volume which was looking like heaviness in my lower face (yep- jowls!) too so it was win win. I’m nearing 40 and will go for another round in the near future.
Sasha
I’ve been getting under eye filler for years and have had no issue. I’ve always had very dark undereye circles due to lack of fat in the area and it makes a massive difference. You do have to get it refreshed every year or so like any other filler procedure but it’s still worth every penny. Filler really is the only thing that helps in that area if the circles are due to hollowing and not skin discoloration.
The filler will dissolve completely over time, but it takes longer than people think. The filler “lasting” is the filler staying in the area it was originally injected in. It naturally migrates under your skin over time but the amount they use for under eyes is so small that you won’t notice. You don’t have to worry about “filler face” unless you are getting tons of facial filler. Filler face happens when people overuse filler for years and years to approximate results that they really should just go under the knife for (cheek augmentation, chin augmentation, etc. which take 3x the amount of filler that undereye filling takes).
Go to the plastic surgery department of a hospital, not a med spa or independent injector. Under-eye filling requires skill so you want an RN or PA doing it. Get a consultation and then check out your injector’s IG portfolio (most will have one) to see examples of their work. And, as the worst case scenario, filler is dissolvable if you end up not liking how it looks.
Anonymous
This is my youtube rabbit hole. I watch so many plastic surgery videos because I find them interesting.
These doctors comment on filling the undereye area. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdUZrOotG4A
In general, filler can last years but it migrates from your preferred location which is why regular injections are common.
anon
Summertime struggle: It happens every year, but when the days are this long, my sleep gets really wonky. In my area, 9:30 p.m. is still dusk. It’s not truly dark-dark until after 10. Despite using blackout curtains and such, I am having the hardest time falling asleep. The last few nights, it’s been almost midnight by the time I get to sleep. It’s like my circadian rhythm is completely messed up. And yet I wake up naturally by 5:30-6 a.m. I am an absolute wreck by 2 p.m. and am tired and groggy until evening, when I get a second wind. Is this even fixable? Lack of sleep really aggravates anxiety and depression, and I am feeling it hard. If I didn’t have an office job, this would be a fine schedule. But it’s really not fine when you have to keep normal working hours.
Anon
Sleep with an eye mask.
Senior Attorney
+1 It really is a game-changer.
Anonymous
The slip eye mask is expensive but amazing. (I sleep with an eye mask every night.)
Anom
Are you in a darkened room prior to going into your dark bedroom to go to sleep? Maybe not enough non-daylight time prior to bed?
Cb
I think this is likely it. It doesn’t bother me much, but my kiddo struggles, and we find pulling the curtains when we head upstairs for the bedtime routine really helps.
Carrie
Agree with eye mask. Also take 1mg melatonin in the evening a dew hours before your desired bedtime, and get a happy light and sit next to it while having your morning coffee/breakfast.
Curious
+1
Curious
I have to use melatonin around the solstice here.
Anon
Wear an eye mask.
Anon
Melatonin
Anonymous
The extra light tricks me into thinking it’s still early evening, so I don’t stop the stuff I’m doing and wind down, like I would in the winter when it’s dark. I’ve made peace with sometimes staying up later in the summer, but otherwise, I have to start to shut down my evening activities when it’s still broad daylight outside, in order to be still/quiet enough to go to sleep at my normal time.
Anonymous
Get some sunlight first thing. When regulating circadian rythm early exposure can help people sleep earlier. And – I realise this sounds weird – try some sunglasses at night to dim the light when you’re winding down.
Anonymous
I want to thank everyone for the Zoloft experiences yesterday. Not the OP. I have a prescription for it for anxiety but was too anxious to take it. I know… ridiculous. You gave me the courage to try it so thank you.
anon
That is not ridiculous. It is so, so normal. Good luck!
Anon
Anxiety really is quite the mind f*ck, isn’t it? I hope the Zoloft helps!
anon
It’s not ridiculous! I will tell you that Zoloft changed my life for the better, and I hope you get similar relief!
Anon
+1 I take a different medication but it was truly life changing. Good work, OP! It was not easy for me to get to this step; I know it takes hard work!
Anon
Am I in the wrong here? Help a transactional gal out with litigation norms.
I’m paired with another attorney on a very simple pro bono case. The other attorney is a litigation partner; I’m from a transactional group. We have a hearing today – a default judgment against the other party because they’ve never shown up. Meanwhile, my biggest (paying) client has a standing board meeting at the same time as the hearing and wants to review X thing that I’m the lead on. I asked the litigation partner if he could cover. He fires back, “This was scheduled a month ago. How do you have a conflict?” Well, because I don’t set my client’s board meeting schedule.
Am I wrong? Should I have asked paying client to reschedule their board meeting? I can’t physically be in two places at once. We often cover for each other in my group – maybe that isn’t done in litigation? I feel bad for the pro bono client, but I called her and talked to her and she knows the other attorney will be taking the hearing…and this is the last thing – I’ve done everything else up til now, so I kinda feel like litigation dude can do this one hearing (? maybe? big talk from me).
Celia
Litigator here. If it was a “standing” board meeting, does that mean the date has been set for a while for the board meeting? If that’s the case, then I think you mishandled this. The norm in litigation would have been to request a change in the hearing time from the Court as soon as you were aware of the conflict, either by informing the Court beforehand that you were unavailable on X dates or moving for a change in the hearing date as soon as or shortly after it was set. If for some reason that was not an option (and sometimes you can’t / should not request a change in a court date), then you should have informed your colleague immediately so he could plan accordingly. If it was an emergency, that’s different – litigators stand in for each other frequently, in my experience, when something like that happens. I would be entirely understanding as a litigation partner if someone called me on short notice to say – hey, this thing blew up with paying client, please cover; I would not be so understanding if someone told me – hey, you need to take over entirely because I didn’t bother to tell you or the court a month ago I would not be there.
anon
No, you do not ask a client to reschedule a board meeting for you to attend a default judgment hearing for a pro bono client. But if it’s a standing board meeting, and the hearing was scheduled a month ago, you should have said something a month ago, when the hearing could have been rescheduled or you could have on-boarded a mid-level litigation associate to cover it.
Anon
No, you are right and lit dude is wrong.
Anon
It’s normal in litigation to cover but sounds like the timing is a little awkward. When did you tell the litigation partner? No one likes to have something dumped on them last minute, maybe they were planning to do other work today and now need to scramble to get up to speed on the file. Even though it will be very straightforward they may be nervous about doing a hearing if they don’t have a lot of experience.
Cat
Was your need to participate at the standing board meeting a surprise (bc obviously the date of the meeting would have been known well in advance)? The irritation from the lit partner I can see if you knew about the board meeting, often have to participate, but didn’t say anything until the last minute when you knew for sure you’d have the conflict.
Anonymous
I’m a litigator and day of you’re cancelling for a standing meeting? If you knew about it ahead of time why didn’t you reschedule the hearing. If your didn’t, I would expect you to tell your client unfortunately you have a court conflict and are unavailable for this same day request.
Anon
Same and I agree. In litigation, a court appearance takes top priority over everything else, whether the client is paying or not. This litigator might have to practice in front of that judge again and doesn’t want to seem ill prepared, etc.
It seems like you either knew about the meeting for a long time or maybe you could have asked one of your team members to fill in on the review you needed to do (sounds like that’s standard in your group).
Anon
Former litigator here. Yes, this.
Girlonawireless
Kinda depends when the paying client asked you to attend the board meeting, when you let the litigator know that something came up, and what’s involved with the hearing for default judgment.
That said, I’ve been a litigator for about two decades and have practiced in several states and federal courts. Covering a hearing for somebody else is not a big deal when you have time to prepare and you know what is expected to happen. Sometimes that adequate preparation is just telling the judge that discovery is going according to plan and getting another date; other times it’s several hours of reading briefs and preparing for an oral argument. Sounds like Larry the Litigator is a bit of a grouch.
Anon
Why didn’t you tell him earlier?
Anon
Standing board meeting means scheduled well in advance. Yes, you are in the wrong.
I also don’t like they way you turn up your nose at a win for a pro Bono client when you have a “paying client” conflict. That’s not in the spirit of pro Bono work.
I think you need to tone down your sense of self importance here.
Anon
Generally you shouldn’t be bailing on a hearing unless something new and unexpected comes up, so maybe it was a messaging issue with how you represented it to the partner?
If you said “I’m sorry, but I’ve unexpectedly been called to this meeting and can’t appear. Would you be able to cover or should we seek an extension?”
Also ok when scheduling the hearing initially to say you have a previously scheduled conflict that day.
I’m wondering if the partner believes you knew about the conflict but failed to alert him, which is a big faux pas..
Anonymous
Litigation partner here. Beyond what has been said above, you seem to have made the mistake of assuming something was ok and/or would happen when working with someone you don’t normally work with. I always over communicate when working with someone unusual at my firm (be it another partner, paralegal, or admin) to avoid misunderstandings or assumptions. In the hierarchy of mistakes though, this isn’t a big one.
Anonymous
I’m exhausted today thanks to a rough night with my youngest, and am weirdly nervous about the SCOTUS opinion release today.
Anon
There’s a SCOTUS opinion release today??? I’ve been wrapped up in work and just not paying attention.
anon for this
How much would you expect a “spot bonus” for an IC to be? Context: a friend is doing her boss’s job while the position is empty and has been told to expect a bonus, but not the amount.
Anon
There is no norm for this.
Anon 2.0
I would say this is an example of don’t count your chickens until they hatch.
Anonymous
There is no norm for this. She should ask.
MagicUnicorn
Zero until it hit my account.
Girlonawireless
This.
Anon
This is going to vary wildly. What my last employer called a spot bonus was $500-$1000.
Anon
At my previous employer ours were $250.
Anon
The only thing that you can count on with this is that ‘spot’ means ‘one time’. Other than that the amount can only be a guess at this time.
anon a mouse
Following up on the stove thread yesterday: for people with induction stoves, are you able to maintain low heat easily? I have my first electric stove in my life and I hate it because I cannot get the temp as low as I’d like. Soups never simmer, they are on a low boil. My one attempt to make candy was a failure because the temp raced past the key points. I’m definitely replacing my stove in the next year but I can’t get a clear assessment of the temperature control with induction.
London (formerly NY) CPA
Yes. I hate my induction because it doesnt work with several of my induction-ready pans, especially lightweight ones, and it has issues with high heat where it overheats and shuts off automatically in the middle of cooking (and cant be turned back on until it cools down), but getting it on low heat hasnt been an issue.
Anonymous
What brand is your stove? I’ve had induction for 4 years and I’ve never had an issue with overheating. I can’t recall my stove ever shutting off.
Elle
Induction is better for simmering than electric! Induction like gas keeps continuous levels of heat while standard electric stoves cycle on and off (at least mine did). I’m super happy with my induction stove!
Anoneighmys
It works wonderfully for simmering. On previous gas ranges I’ve always had to use a diffuser plate, and a low simmer is tough on regular electric, too.
For the other induction person, you can get a ferrous disk that sits between the non-induction pan and the burner to let you use those pans better. They run around $25, IIRC.
I have a plain electric range, but keep an induction hotplate around for sensitive stuff.
London (formerly NY) CPA
I use the discs but unfortunately they frequently cause my range to overheat and shut off, and also make it hard to control heat because they stay hot when you turn down the heat on the range.
Honestly can’t wait to get rid of induction and go back to gas.
anonshmanon
that sounds like your actual pots are bad at conducting the heat that is passed on by the disc. Reasons could be cheap material, or insufficient contact at the bottom if that’s not flat enough.
Anon
Y’all just need more practice. Many, many people use electric stoves just fine.
Anon
I’m always so confused when people say they can’t cook on electric stoves. I grew up using one so that’s all I’ve ever known, but it’s fine and people think my food is really tasty.
Anon
I can cook on an electric range but gas is soooo much better! That’s why you always see gas ranges on cooking shows.
I’m hesitant to ever switch to anything else but I know those days are coming and I just hope induction gets better by the time my range breaks down.
Anonymous
You see gas on cooking shows because it gives additional shots for them to use -like the flame lighting up or increasing or decreasing.
Anon
And because it’s better. Forgot the cooking shows. Check out a restaurant kitchen. Gas.
Seafinch
We have two houses, one has a high end gas range, the other has a mid-range electric. I like both for different reasons, there’s no clear winner. I certainly wouldn’t bother to upgrade the infrastructure to get gas in the one that doesn’t have it. I am an experienced cook who cooks a lot of complicated recipes from scratch and feeds six people a day. I don’t get the religiosity either.
Anon
What am I doing wrong w/gas? My cheap “landlord grade” electric range was so much better for simmering than the gas stove I have now, even when I use the tiny “burner.”
Anonymous
Yes. One of my fav things is how well the low heat works. I make a big pot of bolognese and let it simmer for like 2 hours. So good.
I have a Bosch though. I wouldn’t buy on from a brand that doesn’t have a long history with them. Miele and Bosch are most popular with DH’s friends/family in Europe. Induction is basically the standard there. No one does gas in new renos because of the indoor air pollution issues and regular electric is seen as a quaint old people thing.
Anonymous
Yes, I can keep low heat on my induction stove top, no problem at all. Have zero problems of any kind.
I find that when I use cast iron, one level down will get same results as with steel. So for simmering 3 of 9 setting for steel, and 2 for cast iron, simply because cast iron keeps the heat longer.
Anonymous
our induction range is amazing at precise temperature control and being able to keep things on for a long time at a low temp. we set it at low for like 2-4 depending on if theres a lid and simmer stews and soups all the time for hours really easy. we have a ge induction range and it has this feature where you can basically cook at an exact temperature because you can cook up a temp probe and set the temperature you want it to be at, and it’ll adjust the cook level to be at that temp. we have sous vide-d lots of stuff this way! i switched to induction from gas and i’ll never go back. plus the benefits of not having off gassing etc
First time homebuyer?
What were some good resources you used as a first time home buyer to understand the whole process and figure out how much mortgage you think you’ll be able to afford? I know a good realtor is key, but I’m still very early in the process, so won’t look for one until later. I’m still thinking about if I want to continue to rent or possibly look to buy when my lease ends next year.
First time homebuyer?
For context in case your answer would differ: I would be looking to purchase an apartment in Manhattan
AIMS
Definitely different. Manhattan is very specific! Most apartments are co-ops (and condos are more expensive). You’re generally looking to put down 20% minimum (barring something like a sponsor sale or a condo, which would mean 10%, and bearing in mind some buildings want more like 30%) and you need to make sure you have a debt to income ratio with the monthly mortgage and maintenance payment that will meet with the bank’s approval and the co-op’s (forget what it is now but something like 30% or less, and often closer to 25%). Some boards are also stricter than others (and all want some amount in “reserves” left over after you make your down payment). All are conservative. The odds are that anything that a bank and a co-op will approve, you will be able to afford barring unforeseen circumstances. What you should do is talk to a good agent about the specific requirements in the area you want to be in (everything is hyper local here). By good agent I mean someone who has probably been doing this a long time in the area you want. I am sure if you post your area, someone can give you specific recs or ask people who bought/sold recently-ish. Working with a good agent makes a ton of difference so good to build a relationship now, even if you’re not ready to buy yet. Good luck!
Anonymous
+1 to all of this, especially the hyper local part. Start getting recommendations for attorneys, relators, and mortgage brokers. I found it helpful to get pre-approved for a mortgage first, as that helped us figure out what we could afford. IIRC the broker also walked us through some of the tax implications of coop vs condo – basically if you buy a coop a portion of your maintenance will be tax-deductible since it is going to pay the mortgage on the building. We found a coop a ways out in Brooklyn with a board that is generally pretty flexible (e.g. it is easy to renovate) and accepted as low as 10% down, but I have certainly heard expensive Manhattan buildings are tougher. Our attorney did all the research on the building’s financials. Our realtor knew the seller’s agent, which helped facilitate our purchase. Assume at least 12 weeks for the closing process on a coop. Also of note – our bank is not local (USAA), and they did not offer mortgages large enough for us to use them for the purchase. They were also generally stymied by the documentation we needed for the coop purchase process. It was just kind of a hassle. So if you don’t have a local bank you might consider getting one.
Allie
One thing about NYC — to evaluate affordability you need to get a sense of whether your maintenance will go dramatically up over the next stretch of time. Your broker should evaluate the buildings’ financials and even look back at Board meeting minutes to understand any recent hikes in maintenance or potential upcoming big expenses. Don’t hesitate to request an inspection of mechanical systems (you have to pay the inspector just like a home inspection) if you’re worried about deferred maintenance requiring new big expenses. It may be reasonable to have you or your broker discuss questions directly with the Board chair. The same questions you’d want to know buying a house — does it need a new roof? When will the furnace have to be replaced, etc. your broker needs to understand when buying a Co-op.
AIMS
Brokers should be able to review the financials and you get to ask for them before you make an offer. You will usually have a lawyer review the board minutes, do other diligence, after you have an accepted offer but before the contract is signed.
You will need to also be preapproved before you really start but keep in mind preapproval means two different things – one is general and you can get someone to sign off on a lot without really having it mean anything; and then there is preapproval where bank actual looks at what you have and what they would approve. Be careful with the first.
anon
I met with my realtor a full year before we bid on anything, and nearly two years before we actually bought. Find a realtor and have an introductory meeting now.
Anonymous
Heh. People are so different. I bought my house on a whim. I wasn’t quite in the market yet. I asked a friend’s realtor to get me in the house, came back the next day with a friend, and put in a bid that night. I had 6 months left on my lease, had expected to have that time to save for a down payment, and had only ever toured one other house at an open house where the home was already under contract. I don’t recommend this at all, but it turned out okay for me. I can’t imagine planning ahead 2 years, though, but I also don’t live in NYC or SF.
anon
OP doesn’t sound like a whim type person. Plus, I live in Boston and bought for the first time in 2015. We didn’t plan for it to take two years, but the market was such that it did. So, I feel that it’s never too early to meet with a realtor, because you never know when you’ll come across the perfect home, or how long it will take to secure the 17th home you make an offer on that is decidedly not the perfect home but it’s the home you can afford and you happen to win. Shrug.
Plus, rates are bananas right now. Today’s market is legitimately not last week’s market. Things closing this month went under contract 45+ days ago, which was a completely different market. Looking at comps on Redfin may be irrelevant or way too dated to do anything with given how fast the market has moved. I think a realtor/agent/broker is more relevant than ever these days, especially if you’re just dipping your toe in to the market for the first time. A realtor won’t tell you what you can afford, but they’ll give you some really good perspective on the crazy that is right now.
Shananana
NYC rent vs buy calculator is helpful, looking at zillow or the like in the areas you are looking to get a solid idea of prices. You can also often get from here an idea of HOA costs and what areas they are more common. I have never dealt with, but they can range all over the place.
Things people don’t always think about – Talk to people in the area you are looking at about property taxes (fbook or next door groups can be good for this) depending on your state and when they cap uncap property taxes that can be a huge shock to new homeowners, especially with prices rising as they have been (again state specific though, I have only bought in Michigan). Also helpful to know what you are getting for that. I have to handle my own trash service at this house, but in my prior house the trash pickup was included and they would take a small boat if you could get it to your curb on trash day.
If you have a general idea of what you want you could probably get your insurance agent to give you a ballpark on insurance so you have that in your calculator.
Consumer Financial Protection Agency actually has some good resources on home buying as well that would be worth looking through.
Both times I have bought I have landed at the 2-2.5 times annual salary range, but I am in a lower cost of living area and was flexible about putting work in so that will impact your choices.
Anon
To add on this, not sure if NY is different and I’m also not sure about the cap/uncap part, but fyi for OP if this isn’t obvious Redfin has a Tax History segment that will show you factually how much property tax is paid and on what assessed value for a given property. You can just look around at a few places in your targeted area, calculate the % of tax generally being paid, and apply that % to what price points you have in mind.
AIMS
This sort of thing isn’t super relevant for NYC apartments (not saying this to be snarky! It’s just a very different thing here), but along these lines look at StreetEasy. If you register, you can also see the price history, when it was last listed, etc.. All the webs*tes, inc. StreetEasy, will have a monthly calculator that will figure out your monthly mortgage + maintenance + taxes (if condo). Make sure to pay attention to any assessments (and tax rebate end-dates, if looking at new construction condos).
Anon
Counterpoint: realtors don’t actually do much and I bought my first home without one. They make thousands of dollars to hand you paperwork.
AIMS
Also not true in NYC where they put together your co-op board package or financial package for condos. Particularly for a co-op, this is a huge undertaking and knowing how to do this well is immensely important. They will also save you a ton of time because a good agent will know where you will or wont get accepted. Sometimes when it’s close, they can make a difference in you having your offer considered (because the other side may not want to take a chance on a more inexperience agent where the finances aren’t a sure thing).
Anon
Actually the seller’s broker will often help you with this–they’re motivated to make this work, too! We’ve bought in NYC twice with no agent, and the seller’s broker has assisted us both times with the board package, etc.
AIMS
Sure, but eve putting aside the ethics of dual loyalty relationships, this is not something that often works out. I am glad it worked for you twice, but I definitely had the opposite experience twice, too. We had an accepted offer without an agent that ended up falling apart because the seller’s agent was inexperienced and didn’t appreciate an issue that we had as first time buyers (too long to explain but it derailed the whole thing). I also worked with an inexperienced agent who was a family friend and we lost out on an apartment with her because the other agent didn’t think she would present a good package and didn’t want to do it herself. We switched agents and got a much better apartment but i fully acknowledge that it was largely thanks to our new agent. She has since been similarly helpful to friends I’ve referred to her. I think there is this notion with some people that you’ll get a better deal without an agent (even though you don’t pay the agent anything) but in my experience it really is a myth in 99 percent of cases. If someone is offering more money, the seller’s agent has to convey that offer to the owner so the fact that they might prefer to collect a full commission from an unrepresented buyer is irrelevant (and you really don’t want to work with someone unethical enough not to). And, because most brokers are working with a larger company with set commission rates, it’s unlikely that they have some special deal like they take 4% commission instead of 6% if it’s an unsplit commission (and if that is the case, the incentive is less to “push” for you because the difference is less and the work is more ).
Anon
Ahh, I missed the NYC part.
Anonymous
Where we live (not NYC) good realtors seem to have an inside line on properties that haven’t been listed yet.
anon
Same. Super competitive market. Both of my homes were secured because we got in before they went live thanks to our realtor. They were also purchased from other realters in the same company/brand/flag/whatever, giving my realtor an extra inside track. My parents just bought literally last month and same experience with a different company, but same story. We’re in suburban Boston.
Anon
Honestly the best thing I did was use Redfin and Zillow for two main purposes for the months/year leading up to my purchase: 1. Get a feel for the types of housing available in my target neighborhoods, and 2. Understand what I could afford.
For 1, I just went on the app (mainly Redfin) pretty often to view homes. I would look at the pictures, features, prices, all of it. Was this the kind of home I would want to buy? What were the differences between those built in X decade vs. Y decade? Is most of the inventory fixer uppers, or is a lot of it move-in ready? Do all of the homes in Z neighborhood have similar floor plans? How fast are homes going from listed to pending/under contract? Are some of the neighborhoods easier to get to than others? I was looking at townhouses and small single family houses in the suburbs, so maybe the last one doesn’t apply if you’re looking for an apartment in Manhattan.
For 2, the price calculator on Redfin and Zillow is amazing. I recall that Zillow didn’t always include the HOA fees, so I typically used Redfin for this. It will show you the price/month breakdown between principal and interest, insurance, taxes, and HOA fees. You can also play with the down payment to see how much PMI would add if you’re below 20%, and you can play with the mortgage rate to see how sensitive your price/month is based on that. This gave me a really good idea of what price of home I could afford based on the down payment I had available and the price I was willing/able to pay per month.
Once I got a Realtor on board, we went to a lot of house tours. Like, at least 20-30 before the one I bought. She gave me a link to view the available properties and rank them yes/no/maybe. I really did 95% of the legwork in this stage, just going through the listings several days a week and telling her which ones I would want to see so she could book showings. Note that I was in a very fast moving market where a home would be listed on a Thursday, have an open house or two on the weekend, and be under contract by Monday or Tuesday, so YMMV with how often you need to look through listings. She was extremely helpful in getting me set up with a local lender (lower interest rate than the big banks) who was super easy to work with and very responsive when it came time to getting the offer together on short notice (I did my mortgage pre-approval through him). She also had an inspector on call who could do pre-inspections before I put in an offer, since most buyers were in bidding wars and waiving inspections (not something I was willing to do).
Trish
The bank will almost always be willing to loan you more than you can afford! And by more, it’s not uncommon for them to loan you 100K over the price range that you are looking at. You need enough each month to pay for large repairs as well as upkeep and maitenence.
Financially Irresponsible Parent
How do you guys deal with financially irresponsible parents who otherwise make a pretty good income?
Long story short, my single mother has made six figures for most of my life but never saved any money (I’m 32, she’s 60) – she’s cashed out her retirement at least twice and her spending relative to her income is pretty reckless (constantly eating out, buying timeshares, spending thousands on home renovations only to move in a few years,etc.). She doesn’t understand a lot of basic personal finance concepts even though she is highly educated (I think shes just stubborn and thinks she knows more than she does) so I really don’t see her changing her habits anytime soon. Shes also about to leave a job with a pension to follow a “dream career” making more money which also has me worried…
Has anyone else experienced this? It would be one thing if she was low-income but shes not and its so frustrating to see her spending every cent she has and constantly cashing out savings/retirement. My partner and I already decided if and when shit hits the fan we wont give her any money but she can live with us, we’ll buy her food, etc. Ive accepted this reality but its really depressing me.
Im starting to talk to my therapist about it which helps but I don’t know anyone else going through this so i feel really alone…
Anon
This is my husband’s parents. His father was a renowned surgeon. They weren’t lavish but had no concept of money and made poor financial decisions. They had less than 400K in retirement when he was forced to retire, and only about 100K equity in a multi million dollar house that they’d lived in for nearly 20 years. They live off of social security now and a tiny bit of side income. It’s incredibly sad. We don’t give them money because they’d just fritter it away but we do pay for major expenses directly.
Anon
Acceptance. You can’t change them. My mom was different in that she never made much money and so was always overdrawn to pay for something stupid.
Consider whether her money troubles can be a sign of adult ADHD. It manifests differently in adult women. Interesting reads by a therapist blogger: https://www.facebook.com/littlemisslionheart
Anon
My mom doesn’t make that much money, but I am pretty sure her untreated ADHD factors into how she spends it.
Anonymous
Ugh yeah my in-laws are like this (they’re also terrible conservatives who b*tch about “their” tax dollars being wasted on the poor). DH and I will have to take care of them their whole retirement and I’m incredibly resentful.
Thoughts
Are you sure this will be a problem? She sounds to be healthy, is earning well and will shortly have a pension and guaranteed Medicare health insurance by the time she retires. So she may not live the high life when she retires and may not he happy with that. But she sounds better off than I will be! You really worry about her being able to afford food?
She is even motivated enough to start a second career. I am impressed. Glad you have the therapist to talk this through.
Thoughts
I guess what I am saying is that I don’t think folks on this board realize his most retirees in this country actually live!
Anon
Medicare doesn’t cover assisted living and most pensions won’t begin to cover it.
good luck
Yes, of course not. Most of us will never be able to afford self-pay assisted living for myself. I am single and childless and definitely wont. You never know how long you will live and what your needs will be.
You do the best you can and accept that MEDICAID is your fall-back plan.
It is amazing that the OP is willing to have Mom live with them. That’s an easy solution, as Mom will have Medicare and possibly Medicaid to help with healthcare costs, and likely some Social security +/- pension to help pitch in.
If she needs home care/nursing care, she will spend down her assets to pay for home care and/or go into a Medicaid funded assisted living or nursing home once she qualifies. They aren’t great. But that’s what will happen. No, your kids don’t spend $10,000 per month to put them up in a nicer Nursing Home. Just doesn’t happen. So honestly, you try not to stress about that. The big decision that the kids should make together is whether Mom/parents will live with family as they age.
And remember, whatever you choose, your children are watching. They will model their behavior with you based on how you treat your parents. And you can teach them great lessons on how important it is to save for your retirement.
Most communities have a Department of Aging/Senior resource person. You get in touch with them and ask for a Social worker appointment for your parent(s). And they review all of the services that they will be eligible for based on age/income.
Most seniors live on very, very little. Most seniors. If your parents screw up, they screw up and will live like most people in retirement. And honestly, many of our parents will not have a long retirement. My mother died before retirement. You never know what tomorrow will bring.
Anon
I read it as the mom is leaving a job that she could retire from with a vested pension, but by leaving the job, the mom is walking away from any chance at that pension. IMO, at her age and with her assets, the mom is making a stupid move. Never walk away from a pension if you’re close to getting it AND close to needing it. Find meaning in your hobbies or family/friends vs your job. You’re not 20.
OP
Anon @ 11:03am. Yes, this is correct. With her current, she will only get half of her pension when she quits, if she stayed an extra few years she would get the full pension (which is still only about 1/2 of her take-home pay now) but shes choosing not to. She also doesnt regularly contribute to her retirement (she cashed one recently for a bathroom reno) so she will have to work forever most likely. She also doesn’t believe she should downgrade her lifestyle at all bc of how much she works and is resentful that she should be saving at her age.
Its one thing to actually CHOOSE a certain lifestyle, wanting to work etc. But the vast majority of Americans are forced to keep working and have no plan. Having no safety net for yourself when you can afford to is foolish and dangerous. Im also her only child and it will all fall on me (and my partner) if and when she can no longer work or afford her lifestyle.
Anon
The post was slightly unclear to me as to whether the mother will be receiving the pension. If she’s receiving pension payments and starting a new dream career— good for her; I wish that was my life!
Otherwise, I know it’s really stressful, but I agree with the other posters that therapy on the way to accepting this is how she is will be helpful.
OP
Apologies for not being clear – I didn’t want to be super specific and risk doxxing me or her lol! She’ll start receiving payments in about 5-7 years (about 1/5 her take-home). Shes relatively healthy for now so hopefully she can keep working for as long as she needs to.
I’ve already accepted this is how she is and will likely not change. Therapy has helped a lot in creating boundaries around not discussing money at all with her at this point. I just wanted to make this post to see if others are dealing with the same thing.
Me
We are living this with MIL (who is only 64 years old) and decided that it’s fundamentally not our problem. DH has a sister but consider her out of the picture (and just as bad). FIL is deceased.
It wasn’t an easy conclusion – we had a lot of guilt in processing the feelings, it took years and therapy. But, it’s definitively not our problem. If and when the time comes, we may decide to throw her a bone – pay for utilities or something essential but absolutely not just hand over cash and trust her to spend it as we intend. But, also, we might not. And we’re ok with that.
MIL did mention something to the effect of us helping her later in life at one point in passing and weshut it down, kindly, yet firmly. We were also explicit in that she would not move in with us. So she definitively knows that she’s on her own and her decisions will result in her consequences, and no one else’s. Since then we’ve seen minor improvement, but that’s about it.
It’s really hard and I think until you’ve had to mentally process this, it’s even harder to grasp the reality of it all. Good luck.
Anon
Your parents are adults and they get to make their own choices, even if they are bad ones. There’s really nothing you can do except work on acceptance. I know from experience that any attempt to change them is just going to be very painful and will fail.
Anonymous
Accept it and make it clear that you won’t bail them out.
Trish
Yeah, but how many of us are actually willing to see our parents live on the streets or eating dog food in a roach infested apartment? We freak out because we know when they get old, they will more likley have dementia and health problems. It isn’t like giving tough love to a 20 year old addict.
Anon
This is the problem. There’s a scenario where they call our bluff, and they probably know that.
Anonymous
In a way, it is like giving tough love to a 20 year old addict, though. Dementia and health problems aside, sometimes you just have to step back and let them experience the consequences of their own choices.
Anon
Does this work?
Setting boundaries with older parents has worked for me.
But the “consequences” I impose are immediate and relatively tangible (“I’ll need to end this phone call now”).
I think the consequences imposed by poor financial choices feel insubstantial, gradual or delayed, and even negotiable… especially when countered by a YOLO attitude.
Anonymous
every choice has a consequence, whether it’s today or 30 years from now. just because the consequences are delayed or gradual doesn’t mean they won’t happen. setting boundaries is important, and not jumping to the rescue is an important boundary to set. just like it’s a bad idea for a parent to rescue an adult son or daughter from bad choices, it’s a bad idea to rescue an equally adult parent for the same thing.
OP
I think this is definitely necessary but so much easier said than done when the parent is otherwise very loving and supportive…
However, putting on your own oxygen mask on before others is important and I vowed to myself and FDH that I wont dip into my own retirement, future kids savings, etc. to help her out if need be.
Trish
Yes, in our culture it is all too acceptable to see elderly people in the street, for whatever reason.
Anonymous
“for whatever reason”?!?
Children are not responsible for their parents bad decisions. You can not control another adult and there is no obligation to help people who refuse to help themselves.
Anon
I know it is easier said than done, but it is also way easier than getting them to change. You will not be able to do that.
And I never said accept it but let them live on the streets. I would never do that to my parents. But if what you’re after is an easy solution that will leave everybody happy, you’re not gonna get it.
Anon
This is my husbands parents. They’re ok as long as they’re working (currently they’re 75 and 74) but I’m not sure what will happen when they both become too ill or disabled to work. Even very un-fancy nursing care can be $5-10k/month which would be a huge financial hardship for us and I’m unwilling to raid our own retirement to fund them, but I know my DH would not be willing to turn his back on them even though they’re in this mess because of their own bad decisions. We just hope they die suddenly rather than having a long decline that requires years or decades of assisted living.
Anonymous
Medicare
good luck
Medicare doesn’t pay for long term care that isn’t Medically Necessary. You spend down your income to cover homecare/nursing home/assisted living until you are impoverished and then become eligible for Medicaid, which is what covers nursing home/assisted living care for a huge percentage of the elderly. Most fancy assisted living places do not have Medicaid patients. But you would be surprised how many do.
Anon
Doesn’t cover assisted living or nursing homes, which is the issue. People here are so confused about what Medicare is. It’s actually terrible insurance that covers almost nothing.
Anon
My mother doesn’t earn much money, is mid-60s, and has nothing saved. I know that money is very emotional for her, as a combination of my father’s lifelong bullying over money and not earning a lot for various reasons (some understandable, some not). She and my father divorced a long, long time ago, but he was an epic jack— to her about not being able to pay child support or college. (He was an epic jack—- to me when I graduated into the 2008 recession and couldn’t find a job.)
At this point, my strategy is to save a lot (because DH and I are naturally that way) and try to take the inflamed emotions out of money topics. Having money in the bank is calming. Saving for kid’s college is something we are fortunate to do. We don’t need a bigger place – we live in a plenty nice apartment, kid loves the pool, on site gym is a huge boon to all of us. I can only hope that she will eventually pick up on it and start to change how she views money, saving, and spending.
Anonymous
Her financial choices are not your concern, unless they are directly affecting you.
One thing, though, I would advise you to *really* think through whether your jumping in and rescuing her when the consequences of her choices hit her in the face (letting her live with you and buying her food and whatnot is just giving her money with extra steps) is the best idea. People who know they have that kind of safety net should their “dream career” not work out generally have no reason to change their ways.
Best of luck!
Monday
OP, have you told your mom directly about how you will and will not help in the future?
OP
No, we don’t have financial discussions anymore because she gets very defensive. She doesn’t think she’ll have any issues in the long term, and that “things will work out” somehow (she also refused to see a financial planner).
Im not changing any of my financial/retirement goals but I know down the line I’ll have to figure out if or how much I can and am willing to help out if need be but I’ll cross that bridge when I need to.
Trish
If she is disabled, you may not be able to care for her in your home. Can you afford nursing care?
good luck
She doesn’t need to. Her Mom will qualify for Medicaid once she runs out of money. The responsibility is NOT her daughter’s in the vast majority of cases. It is her own.
Anonymous
you’ll probably want to figure out what your helping out boundary is sooner rather than later, that way you won’t be left trying to decide in the heat of the moment, even if that moment won’t be here for another 10 or more years.
OP
I actually discussed this with my partner the other day after and we agreed that we won’t be giving her any cash but will be paying for food, actual necessities etc. if she needs it.
Also she’s really in denial about her situation so I don’t even know if she would accept help… but its good to start figuring out what my helping boundary will be, so thanks!
Anon
My sister and BIL divorced after she put him through a professional degree while she stayed home with the kids when day care > teacher salary. She now makes an hourly wage in a temp job after zoom teaching ended last year. BIL makes good $ but just hasn’t been paying his alimony and child support. My retired parents have been helping her out in the meantime and their state is doing something in court re his noncompliance. No one is a lawyer. Am I right that the state will probably just file the orders and start garnishing his salary to pay the ordered the amounts (and some towards the arrearage)? It’s a state administrative proceeding so I don’t think there are actual lawyers involved — it’s just like “you didn’t pay, now we will make you pay” and you can’t re-litigate the amounts or anything.
Anon
My understanding in my state is that the state only steps in regarding child support. She’d need to hire a lawyer to fight the missing alimony.
Sunshine
From what I can tell in my state, the state won’t do anything even about unpaid child support. The parent who is entitled to the payments needs to go to Court and make something happen. I would not wait for the state.
If you post which state your sister is in, someone here may have more information or helpful links to provide.
Anonymous
In some states the parent entitled to child support payments goes to the office of child support enforcement, which files a court case if necessary.
Anon
I enjoy my work, am decently challenged by it, and like the people and the company’s mission. My day-to-day is pleasant. I have 100% remote work and make a good salary. I’ve long felt that a job is just a job and I have a ton of hobbies and interests that I pour myself into when I finish the workday.
However, I work in tech and I don’t know if it’s just my company or what (this is my first tech job), but there is just so much turnover. We’re constantly hiring and constantly losing people. This has been especially noticeable on the larger team I’m a part of. It’s demoralizing. I keep wondering if they’re seeing something I’m not, since I’m mostly happy with the job. And since we keep getting other great talented people, it’s just this constant stream of in and out, farewell parties and welcome happy hours. After awhile, people seem almost interchangeable.
But then I wonder, if I go somewhere else, will it really be any different? It’s not really worth it to me to go get another identical job where I’d have to start all over building relationships and proving myself… and all the must-haves on my list are already satisfied here (flexibility, great pay and benefits, interesting work).
Curious if anyone else has experienced this, either in tech or in any industry, and how you deal. It can feel weird when what’s right for you right now is being rejected by your coworkers. I also realize that a lot of people I thought I was really close to when I saw them every day were just friends of circumstance since now that we don’t have work in common, there is little to talk about (and I sometimes feel like they subtly side-eye me for staying since they’ve decided they had enough of our company).
Is this normal? And would it really be different or better anywhere else? I worry if I leave, I might end up with a bunch of other problems I can’t even imagine now. At least here, I know what I’m dealing with.
Anonymous
It sounds like what you’re experiencing is the emotional/relational side of your relationships with your coworkers, and not the actual job side of your job. Maybe you’re feeling sad/lonely about losing relationships, or maybe you’re even feeling some peer pressure to be thinking the same way about your job as one or more of your coworkers are thinking about theirs. Or you’re feeling like there’s something wrong with you for being on a different page from where your coworkers friends are. Like you’re the odd person out for not joining their “we’re outa here” club.
I’d suggest you work through the emotional/relational feelings of loss, sadness, or peer pressure, and THEN make a decision about whether you want to change jobs.
anon
It’s hard to say whether the grass is greener at another company. If it’s working for you, and it sounds like it is, then starting over may not be worth it. It is hard when people come and go, though. If you’re anything like me, the relationships are part of what makes the work “worth it,” in addition to the obvious pay, benefits, etc. I don’t think the turnover in my org is as drastic as what you’re talking about, but there has been a lot more turnover than usual post-pandemic, and I do find it hard to deal with at times. However, there is an opportunity here for you to step up and be the person who makes people feel welcome. In other words, be the culture that you want to see!
Nina
Especially in tech, changing jobs pretty frequently is just not uncommon. So unless you see a pattern in why is leaving or the reason they’re leaving, or there are some other background issues, I would ignore it and think of it as normal tech turnover. A lot of tech friends change jobs literally every 1 – 2 years, especially when they’re younger.
Re: friends of convenience, that can be hard. I do think you can pick up friendships later in life even if there has been some gap. A lot of friends come from being in the same place – school, busy work environments, sports teams etc . Friendships are a little bit different afterwards but still there.
anon
Agree re: norms in tech jobs – I have generally switched jobs every 2-3 years, and that feels pretty normal. And right now, the “Great Resignation” is a thing, so a lot of people are moving.
anonshmanon
I can relate to the part where you are content with where you are, but you see others leaving, and it makes you wonder whether you are missing anything. Trust your gut! You know what works for you, and we are not all alike.
I can also relate to getting in your head and wondering whether your peers judge you for not doing what they are doing, but again, trust your gut!
Portland Maine
Looking for recommendations! Partner and I are heading to Portland Maine for July 4 weekend. We are flying in and staying at a hotel in the Old Port neighborhood.
We are New Yorkers and used to lots walking — can we get by without renting a car? We were thinking of taking an uber/lyft to/from the airport and any time we need it, but mostly walking.
I would love recommendations for things to do and places to eat. I would love as much nature as possible and partner wants as little nature as possible (lol), and we both want ALL the seafood. We would love to do some sort of… boat… tour? activity? We only have 2 full days, plus an evening and a morning.
HFB
Just spent a weekend in Portland. It’s very walkable if you’re staying in old port. I recommend the food trucks on the eastern promenade, and the following restaurants (get reservations now!): Union, Fore Street, the food trucks on the Eastern Promenade, and Duckfat. Also take a ferry to one of the islands and walk around. There are tons of cute Indy shops and boutiques. Have fun!
Anon
You can get by without a car in Portland itself but having one is nice if you want to go out to the lighthouse at Fort Williams. You could probably get Lyft to/from there but I’m not sure.
You won’t really get nature unless you rent a car and drive up or down the coast so you’ll have to negotiate that with your partner. Portland is nice but it’s a city and feels like one.
For food: Holy Donut, Standard Baking, Gelato Fiasco, OTTO, Street & Co., Duckfat
I like Luke’s Lobster too but you have that in NYC so I’d eat elsewhere. Most breakfast restaurants in Maine will serve you a griddled blueberry muffin even if it’s not on the menu and I can’t recommend that enough.
NYCer
+1. I think part of the fun of visiting Maine is seeing some of the nature. I definitely would recommend renting a car and exploring a bit.
We really enjoyed The Lobster Shack at Two Lights in Cape Elizabeth (20 min from Portland) and Five Islands Lobster Co in Georgetown (~1 hour from Portland, but beautiful views and very rustic). Also recommend checking out Kennebunkport and doing a boat ride leaving from Portland.
Emma
I go to Portland at lot and don’t recommend driving at all in the city itself – parking is hard, especially in the summer, and the city is very walkable. That being said if you want to take day trips to the beach or other cute surrounding towns you might want a car at least for part of the time.
In Portland itself: lots of good food! Holy Donut, Fore Street or Catch, Eventide, Honey Paw, Duck Fat…. There are some cute shops, great ice cream (I like Mount Desert Ice Cream), and a few cute museums (I enjoyed the Museum of Art and Longfellow house). I really recommend either riding the ferry to Peaks Island and walking around there or riding the mail boat that goes to all the islands in the Bay if you like boating. There also also some sail and wine cruises that can be super fun. I liked walking to Eastern Promenade, seeing the lighthouses and historical forts, and the beach at Cape Elizabeth. It’s honestly one of my favorites places to spend a weekend.
Anonymous
Another vote for no car and Duckfat. I also recommend Becky’s Diner.
Portland Maine
Thank you for the recommendations!!
Leatty
Has anyone opted for an ARM mortgage lately given the drastic increase in interest rates? The rates are more favorable than the 30 year jumbo, which is appealing to me since I will be losing my incredible 2.25% interest rate when we move out of state.
Anon
Never do an ARM. Take the rate now and refinance in the future if rates get better. Don’t leave yourself at the whim of higher rates.
Anon
If you’re something like a military spouse and know you’ll likely move in 5 years, maybe I’d take a 7/1 ARM knowing you’ll move/sell before it resets. But no way in hell would I do a 3/1 ARM now. I lived through Lehman and some crazy rate swings and selling not being a feasible option and . . . . I’m probably in real estate PTSD even today.
anon for this
This is a math question. How long do you think you will be in the house, what is the payment difference between the ARM and a fixed-rate, what’s the cap on the ARM rate, what’s the break-even point under the worst case scenario?
The value goes up with higher loan amounts and bigger spreads between the rates. Take for example a 900K loan. At 5.5%, the monthly PI payment is roughly $5100. A 5/1 ARM at 4.1% has a monthly payment of 4300. At the end of 5 years, you’ve saved $48K. If the ARM goes up 3% to 7.1%, your new payment is $6050 – a huge jump but $950 more than what it would have been with a fixed. It would take you a little over 4 years to break even with your expenses on a fixed rate. So for the purposes of this example if you held your house for less than 9 years, you are better off with the ARM.
All of this is assuming you don’t do something crazy like put zero money down, of course.
No Face
I would not even consider an ARM right now. Interest rates are going up. I would rather lock in a rate.
Thoughts
Everyone I know who lost their houses had ARM.
anon
If you know you’ll likely move in 5 years, I’d consider a 7/1 ARM, but never a 3/1 and probably not a 5/1 either.
Anonymous
A friend of mine is going with 7/1 ARM , given that she plans to sell or move within 5 years of getting her house. But the backstory is complicated and while I generally would not advocate for ARM, in her case it makes sense due to the builder delays and her plans for the future and the current rates.
Anon
Even if you plan to sell within 7 years the question is what will interest rates look like when you buy the next house? I’d rather lock in now.
Anonymous
Yeah so… she locked in previously but the rate expired before settlement (builder issues)… It’s a pretty awful situation all around right now for her. I have seen ARM work favorably, but those friends were real lucky that the timing worked out and they were able to refi last year to lower rates on regular 30-year or 15-year mortgages.
Anonymous
Anon from 11:41 again – I should add, I personally have stuck with traditional 30-year or 15-year mortgages. I refi’d last year down to 2.65% on a 15-year and I’m sticking with it. But all this to say is that I can see ARM working in some exceptional cases but should be taken as a last resort and with a lot of caution about how much you’ll actually pay over time.
Anon
We’re in escrow right now with a 10/1 ARM because the rate is so much better on our jumbo loan. We can afford to make extra principal payments and will likely move again in the next 7-10 years anyway. ARMs are very different now than they were pre-2008 (rate caps, stricter underwriting standards, etc.). We are very financially conservative and both work in the finance and the ARM feels like the right move for now.
Curious
Hi! Makeup question. I have decided that, as my hair grows out and body shape changes, the easiest way to feel put together is to wear a bit more makeup. I’m happy with my CC cream. I would like to get a new blush, a pallette that allows me to highlight and lowlight my pouchy eyes, and a brow solution that fills them in and tames them. I am fair (second from the fairest Maybelline) and cool to neutral. What brands/ colors would you recommend? Budget for the whole thing is around $75-80.
Curious
“them” being the brows and not the pouchy eyes, lol.
London (formerly NY) CPA
For brows I highly recommend Benefit Gimme Brow. It’s wonderful!
Mrs. Jones
+1
Vicky Austin
Speaking of Maybelline, their ultra slim brow pencil is my favorite.
Curious
Oh cool!
anon
No idea which color to tell you to choose for brows, but I’ve been very happy with the NYX brow mascara. It’s inexpensive and just as effective as anything else I’ve used. For blush, I really love Clinique’s Cheek Pop line. I have light-medium cool/neutral skin. I switch between the Heather Pop and Pink Pop colors depending on the season (usually heather for fall/winter and pink for spring/summer). I imagine they’d work for fair skin, too, because it’s a very natural look.
Curious
I like Clinique a lot, so that’s awesome. And brow mascara may be exactly what I’m looking for.
anon
I find it way easier to deal with than pencils, but that might be because I have quite a bit of eyebrow hair to begin with, haha.
pugsnbourbon
Chiming in to second NYX quality. I’ve been pleased with just about everything I’ve gotten from that brand.
Also don’t forget lipstick! I find it really gives me the best bang for my buck in terms of looking like I made an effort.
Curious
What do you use for lips? I’ve never once had a successful lipstick application :(
pugsnbourbon
A little bit of everything!
I started with tinted lip balms to get used to the extra color on my face. As a bonus they are pretty forgiving to apply. After that I experimented with cheapie Wet n Wild lipsticks to figure out which colors worked best for me, and now I have a couple core shades that I use most days.
Anonymous
I like the tinted balms from Fresh.
Vicky Austin
Ooh ooh! Start with Burt’s Bees. The lip shimmer in Rhubarb does wonders for me, or the squeezy lip balm in Berry. There are loads of colors – I find the best selections at CVS or Ulta.
Curious
Thank you all :):)
Anon
I love elf’s brow mascara, and it’s very affordable
Anonymous
Eyes: urban decay naked palettes arr standard for a reason. Get one of the cool ones like naked 2 or the basics one. Get a primer as well.
Benefit has a cool ashy blonde eyebrow color.
Blush: I like Nars blush, easy to use. The Hourglass ones with a lot of shimmer is great.
anonypotamus
Sephora has the urban decay naked palettes in mini sizes too, which might be a good trial to see which version looks best. Full disclaimer, I do not wear much in the way of eyeshadow, but I find that when I do, I tend to stick to a few colors and never use the full range of the naked palette I have.
Curious
Yeah, I really only need a light, medium, and dark-for-me. Mini palette sounds perfect.
Anon
Check out emilynoel83 on YouTube. I’ve been watching her for over 10 years now. She used to be a news anchor, so her videos are very professional, but she’s just so much fun! And she specializes in drug store makeup. Here’s a good video for you to get started wtih. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCAGQYE0DY4
Curious
Thank you! She’s quite helpful.
Anon
For blush, a universally flattering color is NARS orgasm. I have your coloring (second to lightest shade in most lines, cool toned) and it works for me. Unfortunately it doesn’t last well as I have dry skin, so depending on your skin type you might do better with a cream blush. My current favorite is Bobbi Brown pot rouge. Two main colors are powder pink and fresh melon. I prefer the fresh melon in the summer and the powder pink in the winter but that may just be me being overly fussy. They last a long time. You can apply with fingertips but I use a brush.
Curious
Dry skin here, too. I had no idea that affected the longevity of powder blush. Thank you!
Also Anon
I have a 3-step process for my brows: I use the IT Cosmetics pencil in “universal taupe” to fill them, then Benefit’s tinted brow gel in . . . I wanna say cool brown? Cool brunette? Then I use the Benefit setting gel to keep the shape in place. The tinted gel helps to shape them but it doesn’t have much hold.
Recommendation for business card cases?
I started with a new company at the beginning of the pandemic and have just now needed to order business cards since we are traveling again. Any recs for good business card cases? Prefer leather but open to other materials, would like a bright color so I can see it easily, and must be able to take a stack of cards unlike many of the card cases for credit cards. Thanks in Advance!
The Lone Ranger
https://www.leatherology.com/business-card-case?color=electric-blue
Recruiting event?
For those of you who work for an MBB (or hey, I’d bet Big Law has similar dress codes), what would you wear to this recruiting event?
Dress code is described as casual, and it’s at 7 PM at an outdoor bar in the summer (early July). I’m an MBA student if you’re wondering.
I was thinking casual, but conservative sundress (my default outside in the heat anyway) with sneakers or flat sandals, and a shoulder or cross body bag to keep my hands free. Will follow with links to what I was thinking.
I’m coming from tech, where casual means leggings, and I’m going to assume that’s not the same here.
Recruiting event?
Something like this:
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/suri-stripe-rayon-linen-dress/6946747
Or
https://www.revolve.com/rails-helena-midi-dress/dp/RAIL-WD228/?d=Womens&page=1&lc=11&itrownum=3&itcurrpage=1&itview=05
Cat
Ooh both of those seem a little ‘beach vacation’ as opposed to ‘summer Friday’ to me.
Anonymous
Wow no.
Anon
The second one is too short. The first one I’d say is fine.
Coach Laura
The second one is so weird because it’s called a “Midi” dress (along with other of the dresses on that page) when it’s above the knees. WTH?
Anonymous
Nothing made by Rails or sold on Revolve is appropriate for this.
Anon
I did MBB recruiting 10 years ago, so things might have changed, and I think East Coast vs West Coast may make a difference. If it’s East Coast/New England, I think the dress sounds fine, and I’d err on the side of sandals over sneakers. Throw on a casual blazer if temps require it.
Recruiting event?
Yep – Boston, so very New England. Will do sandals!
NYCer
Your outfit sounds 100% appropriate to me. Personally, I would wear sandals over sneakers, but I am sure others will have on sneakers with a casual dress code.
Cat
your instincts seem good to me.
as another idea, office-style linen pants (like, a zipper, not a drawstring), sandals, and a pretty shell.
Anonymous
I would wear a solid-color dress in a less cutesy style. No rufflepuff or florals.
Anonymous
Not sneakers
Anonymous
The dress posted today is perfect. Or something like this:
https://www.anntaylor.com/linen-blend-twill-sheath-dress/590337?skuId=33336718&defaultColor=2802&catid=cata000012
Anon
Not sure if you’ll see this since I’m late here, but I’m at MBB in Boston. Most of the more senior folks likely to be joining you will be coming directly from the office or client, so they will be wearing black/grey/navy sheath dresses or maybe dark jeans + silk blouses or printed wrap dress on the more casual end. If I were you, I’d wear whatever you wore to work that day. The dresses you linked look a little casual to me, but honestly they’re probably fine, it will just loudly announce that you had time to go home and change before the event.
Recruiting event?
I appreciate your response! It’s an MBA recruiting event, so I’m currently not working – I’m an MBA student, so I wouldn’t be coming from work.
Cat
So your links popped out of m-d late, and they are both the wrong vibe. Something like today’s featured dress is perfect. A little more tailored and crisp.
Anon at 1:37
Ahhh gotcha. In that case, you should expect that many of the other MBA attendees may be wearing suits or business-level-attire-minus-blazer! (That was definitely the norm pre-2020, and I wouldn’t really expect recruits to have changed that much since the pandemic). Your outfits will likely stick out more in this group. if you have something like black or navy ankle pants and a colorful blouse, I’d probably lean that route if you’re more comfortable in casual attire. Good luck and enjoy the event!
Anon at 1:37 again…
Ahh sorry I just replied saying people are likely to wear suits. I re-read your post and since it’s explicitly listed as casual, you might not see suits! You’ll probably see business casual or smart casual though. Agree with the poster below that todays dress would be good, or a printed wrap dress, or my suggestion of black ankle pants and colorful blouse. I wouldn’t expect applicants to take it to true casual!
Anon
I love this pick, btw!
Anon
Has anyone gone to a country where an international driving permit is required? I’m going to Spain soon (as an American) and had planned to rent a car but I just realized this permit is required and I’m not sure I can get one before I leave in a little over two weeks. I googled and it seems like a lot of people don’t follow this rule and just accept the risk of having to pay a fine if you get pulled over, but I’m worried the car rental company will decline to rent to me if I don’t have this. I had a bad experience once in Hawaii where they refused to recognize a temporary California license and that wasn’t even technically against the rules. If you’ve gotten an international permit how long did it take? Is there an option to pay for expedited? I know you can get it at AAA but my local AAA office doesn’t answer their phone and I can’t get an appointment until Friday.
Anon
It took me 10 minutes at AAA. You walk out with it assuming you bring all the necessary paperwork with you.
Cat
The AAA appointment takes like maybe 15 mins and you walk out with it. They charge ridic prices for the passport-style headshot is the only downside – suggest taking a compliant one on your own and printing it at a drugstore for 50 cents if you want to save, like, $15.
Anonymous
Just go to AAA Friday. It takes like 15 minutes.
Anon
Hi! We just rented a car in Spain in April, and while they say you need an international driver’s license, in fact no one ever asked us for this. We could have easily done without (although to be fair, we were never pulled over; if you are, probably good to have).
NYCer
I drove in Mallorca a few years ago, and no one asked for the international permit. (I didn’t have one, nor did I know it was the rule until this post. Oops!) But if it only takes 10-15 minutes as other posters have suggested, I would just go get one now.
OP
Mallorca is where we’re going actually! I had no idea it was a thing either, my parents drove us all over Europe when I was a child and never got one. I was just browsing blog posts about things to do in Mallorca and one mentioned that Americans need this permit, so I googled and indeed it’s true.
Thanks to those above who mentioned how quick it is. I didn’t realize I would walk out of AAA with it. I thought it was more like a passport where you submit it in person and get in the mail sometime later.
Cat
while no one ever asked to see ours either (as we expected), it was our understanding that if you got in an accident (whether your fault or the other driver’s) or pulled over, it would be a way more expensive issue than if you had gotten the permit.
Cat
gah, I got interrupted in the middle of writing that and you can tell, lol. Permit = probably not ever asked for, unless you are in an accident or pulled over, in which case you will be glad you have it because it will save you a bunch of penalties.
Anon
It seems like a money grab tbh. No one ever asked for it in Croatia and it’s just a piece of paper that basically says that AAA confirmed you have a valid US driver’s license. Which of course could be confirmed by any country’s police by looking at your actual driver’s license expiration date which is fairly easy to figure out. The AAA license thing is in English too so it seems stupid to me that they couldn’t look at the license vs this extra piece of paper!
OP
It does seem like a money grab but if it’s legally required I’m worried the car rental company won’t rent to me if I show up without it, which would really trash our vacation. For $20 I’d rather not take that chance.
Anon
No real question, just a vent.
I went into the office last Monday and Thursday. WFH Tues and Wednesday. Thursday in the office I started coming down with a cold, caught from someone either in the office or on my commute. I have a lingering dry cough and am tired from a weekend of interrupted sleep but today feel back at 90%. Work is at a low enough level, and doesn’t really require much engagement atm, soI’ve been mostly procrastinating on the couch since Friday. But I am Bored, even when I do get some work done. Heat index is 90+ yesterday and today. Venting that this week and last weekend has felt wasted, and my brain is scratching at the walls with boredom.
Summer should be a string of long lazy afternoon with a stack of books and a cold drink. Not checking emails and keeping the status on ‘available’ for at least 6 hours.
OP
You’re sick! Just rest. It affects your energy, mood, everything. Even if you don’t have a cold anymore, you’re still sick. Accept it, make peace with it, do whatever feels nicest in the moment. You get a certain number of weeks in your life “wasted” by virus and it doesn’t help to feel bad about it/yourself when it happens. It is what it is! You’ll be back to your full self in a week.
Anon
The ‘wasted’ feeling is something I struggle with so much anyway, and this lull at work is just feeding into it. If a day is bright and sunny I feel this weird guilt if I don’t do enough to enjoy it or something. Also some disappointment at having to miss an event I signed up for months ago that a friend and I were going to attend on Monday.
Emma
I totally relate!! Something I’ve realized though is that it’s all perception. You could have the most amazing day at work if you’re feeling present and mindful, and it may surpass a day spent in the park if you spent that park day worrying about wishing you were somewhere else. Bring love and mindful awareness to wherever you are that can be the most meaningful place to be.
And remember – you are sick and you have a job! You’re not doing anything wrong, you’re not actively wasting a day. You’re doing what you have to do in order to honor yourself and your commitments. There will be other days and moments to spend at a park or have energy to do more active things.
Anonymous
Sounds like Covid. Did you test?
Anon
Not covid, just a cold. I have a notoriously bad time with post cold congestion/coughing, thanks to a chronic post nasal drip I have normally. Besides the side effects from vaccination and booster shots I haven’t been sick since Jan 2020 so this is kind of a bummer.
Conference in Reno...in August
Help me figure out what to wear for a week long professional conference in Reno in August. This will be my first in-person conference since Covid and coincidently my first in-person conference since losing a substantial amount of weight (size 18—> size 6/8). I’m advised that the dress code is business casual (no suits) but I’m truly at a loss of how to put together a workable wardrobe that won’t have me melting since some events will be outside. I’ve been working remotely since Covid and have not replaced my suits/ dressy separates since weight loss because I’m still working on the last 10 lbs or so. I do not wear sleeveless without something over it, so I guess I need super light weight cardigans or blouses to pair with skirts or pants. This is the first time in my life that I’m not plus size and I am having some sort of weird shopping anxiety. I live in a very small city, so most of my shopping will be done online or maybe at the local Talbots.
Anonymous
I would look for silk sleeved tops (e.g., Quince, Amour Vert) and breathable skirts/pants or lightweight dresses with sleeves plus a couple of linen cardigans for the indoors.
Anonymous
I have last season’s version of this and think it could be business casual. I originally bought it as a beach cover up but wear it to work all the time when in it is really hot (NYC transit commute): https://www2.hm.com/en_us/productpage.1058018002.html
Anon
My conference uniform is separates that I can mix and match plus some kind of big shawl or pashmina because they are always way too cold.
I’d probably do a single base color like black or navy, so black/navy pants, a black or navy basic sheath dress, blouses that work with the pants, and then some toppers, whether that’s a moto jacket or a cardigan or whatever you tend to wear normally with these pieces. Pack at least one going out look and also pack comfy loungy clothing for your hotel room and for sleeping.
Digby
This is making me think linen, so:
Check out the linen-cotton drawstring pants at J Crew Factory. The black and navy ones could pass for business-appropriate, especially if styled reasonably. (The cropped pants with cuffs, not the loose paper bag waist version.) Also, maybe the linen-cotton city skirt.
For tops, the linen elbow t-shirt at Banana Republic comes in more colors than the usual Banana desert palette.
Anon
Has anyone done a sugar detox? Can you recommend a book or a plan that you followed? I’ve been doing some research on this as something I might consider trying and would like some personal experience stories.
Emma
I’m trying right now! On day 3. Biggest recommendation is to identify your sugar habits and triggers. I realized my main two habits were an iced mocha in the morning and eating ice cream for desert. I started making no-sugar iced mochas at home and then eating fruit or banana “nice cream” instead of ice cream. In terms of triggers, I realized I had the impulse to buy treats at the grocery store or get a pastry/ice cream cone if I was walking about. I put a personal ban on any sugary treats from the house and also just gently remind myself during the day that I’m not eating sugar – so far I’ve resisted the impulse to buy a treat 3-4 times when I may have otherwise done so.
Get fruits to have on hand to snack on instead. Most cravings subside within 30 minutes, and after the first three days of no-sugar you probably won’t really have the same types of cravings anymore in general. Also drink a ton of water and tea, and find other dopamine-boosts (doing yoga, reading a beach read on the couch, doing a face mask while watching TV) to keep you feeling rewarded the first three days!
I’ve done this before and the payoff is huge – mood and energy boosts, skin clearing up, better sleep, better workouts, being in your body feels nicer. Everything gets a little easier and lighter. Remind yourself of that when impulses emerge!
Anon
How can you have a no sugar mocha? Doesn’t replacing sugar with an artificial sweetener kind of defeat the purpose?
Anon
I think it depends what the purpose is! Some people go off all possible sweeteners so that their taste adapts.
Some people are just interested in avoiding blood sugar swings (and some people get these from non-nutritive sweeteners, and other people just don’t).
Emma
Oh I don’t replace it with artificial sweetener, I just don’t add any sugar. I froth cacao powder in oat milk, then pour it over ice with cold brew. I think it tasted better than the chocolate-syrup type recipes most coffee shops use, but I also enjoy bitter beverages and drink a lot of tea in general.
I personally can’t stand artificial sweeteners, and I think the best approach for cutting out sugar is to find replacements that you love on their own and aren’t trying to be anything different.
Kit
Fruit is sugar. The worst kind (fructose) physiologically. If you’re eating fruit, you’re eating sugar.
Emma
I mean by that logic almost every carb or anything on the glycemic index. Eating a bagel is worse for you from a glycemic index standpoint than eating a banana. Usually when people talk about sugar detoxes they’re referring to added sugars, unless it’s in the early stages when you cut out everything to fully detox. Or if you have a condition like diabetes, but in that case you wouldn’t want to fully cut out all sugars/fruits, as that would pose it’s own set of issues.
Not really sure where you’re getting the idea that fruit is the same (or worse for you?) than added sugars…
Anonymous
I did one a few years ago hard core and it was incredibly difficult but excellent for resetting my relationship with sugar. I’ve crashed and burned out of several such detoxes on day since.
Emma
Ooh, how was it hardcore? Did you have to cut out all high glycemic foods in general?
Kit
Read The Obesity Code or The Case Against Sugar.
Anonymous
I guess you could do whole30? I haven’t done the whole thing, and don’t think it’s very rigorous in terms of backing of their particular choices, but it exists and it definitely is no sugars.
Personally, when I want to stop sugars, I meal plan. I don’t choose sugary foods unless I’m very tired, stressed or having trouble making my schedule add up to something livable.
What I need, is to stop the mindless sugars, in situations where I’m tired and the work vending machine chocolate is the only thing available. If I’ve had leftovers for lunch, brought some boiled eggs, a banana and a bag of nuts, I’m not going to go sugar scavenging.
Unless I’m on a tired-stressed-etc wave I don’t choose sugars. Prefer coffee black, no sugars in tea, no sodas, no juices, no ice creams, no desserts … I genuinely feel sick if I have to eat, for politeness issues, some of the overly sweet desserts or similar some other people prefer, and I think the habits over years not choosing the sweets is one of the reasons that’s my reaction.
Duckles
I did, for a year. I initially planned to do one treat a week but found myself fixating so much that by third month I just gave it all up entirely. I do think it’s important to give up all added sugar, artificial sweeteners, and processed naturally sweet food (dried fruit, etc) to reset your taste buds or you’ll constantly be craving it. Cravings are gone after about a week of going cold turkey and my energy levels were so much better, I wasn’t constantly thinking about food, and “the last five pounds” just fell off, though I wasn’t specifically trying to lose weight.
Emma
Does anyone know anything about “Coronary artery bypass graft surgery”? How dangerous or risky is it? What is the recovery like?
My boss is hospitalized for a lung infection and his heart has only been working at 25% capacity. They’re running tests on him today and he sent an overview email about the above surgery from a medical journal. Not sure if he will need it or if it’s just for reference. I am very worried about him and I want to get a sense of how serious this is.
Anon
He’s hospitalized for a lung infection and his heart is at 25%. Whether he gets the surgery or not, it’s serious right now.
Anon
This. He is in for a long recovery, rehab, etc.
Anon
Sorry but +1
Emma
Just got confirmation that it’s triple bypass surgery. Does anyone have experience with this? Do most people turn out okay?
Anonymous
Bypass surgery is extremely common. My hospital does several hundred a year. Most people need the surgery because they have arteries clogged by plaque and bypass surgery typically takes a vein from another part of the body and substitutes it for the clogged artery. Surgeons do have to open the chest (ribcage etc) lo get to the heart so as others have indicated, it’s a lengthy recovery of at least 6 weeks, including cardiac rehab (supervised, but outpatient). Whether people turn out “ok” or not is generally dependent upon their comorbidities, including weight, diabetes, whether the individual has had a heart attack, other illnesses, general physical health. For example, my cousin had one last year during COVID and he’s fine, but he was relatively young (early 60’s) and in good physical shape before surgery. Note: not a doctor.
Anon
My mother had quad bypass surgery long ago and lived 35 years afterwards, including regular weights and cardio until almost 90. I am sure that each case is unique and that this is major surgery, but I would also bet that the surgeries are better now. Sending good wishes.
Anon
I don’t think you can make a specific prediction about one person based on generalizations.
Anonymous
I haven’t heard from my CPA since tax day, when he said he was filing an extension. What is a reasonable timeframe to expect taxes to be complete, assuming all documents were organized and uploaded to the CPA’s portal as soon as they were available? Any suggestions for a good CPA or tax preparer in California? I have always done my taxes on my own and never filed an extension so this is new to me.
Anon
That’s unreasonable and you should be nagging him until your taxes are done and then move accountants.
I am also in CA, I have an LLC and am a sole proprietor. I asked for recommendations on here and ended up using TLDR accounting. They’re not based in CA, I think they’re in Washington state, but it really seems not to matter because everything is online. I’ve now used them for two annual tax returns and have been pleased, and more importantly, everything has been on time.
https://www.tldraccounting.com/
Anonymous
Thank you!
Anonymous
We had this issue with my MIL’s CPA. Total noncommunication. This is why I do my own taxes.
Anon
Well, there are corporate taxes, quarterly business taxes, etc. in California. S/he’s probably put everyone on extension from March onwards. I’d expect to start working on extended returns about now, since some returns are due in September and some in October. We haven’t fully recovered yet from the chaos of 2020 and 2021.
Anonymous
When do you think would be a reasonable time to expect them to be completed? Individual taxes, not business.
Kit
Have you checked in? The extension is til October so you still have a ton of time. My acctant is working through his backlog and assured me I am on the list. I’m not stressed about it.