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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 362 Comments · by

Fourth of July Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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Sara Colorblock DressSomething on your mind? Chat about it here. Happy Fourth of July! This is an odd week, isn't it? I guess we'll open a Weekend Open Thread for the federal holiday tomorrow — I hope everyone has a GREAT day off. I rounded up my top Fourth of July sales earlier today, and poked through them to find something fun to wear for your day off. I love the Last Call sale going on now! For example, this chic French Connection colorblock dress was $178… then marked to $79… and with the extra discount it comes to $47. Nice! Sara Colorblock Dress (L-2) Psst: Facebook chat with Kat at 1PM ET on Thursday. :)

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About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. petitesq

    Can I just say I’m feeling totally validated, as I snapped this baby up earlier this week :). Thanks, Kat!

    • Anastasia

      How does the sizing run? I usually wear an 8, which is sold out… but I want it! I wear a 6 in The Skirt. Please tell me this dress runs large.

      • petitesq

        Ack, I wish I could tell you – it hasn’t arrived yet! If it pops up today, I’ll try it on and let you know. Perhaps return it, worst case?

      • petitesq

        ::update:: Here’s hoping you have this set to e-mail you upon followup. This just arrived at my office and does appear to run large. Not hugely so, but it looks like it’s built to be blousy, and gathered at the waist by the belt. Might just be worth the risk!

    • KSouth

      I have been having a bad couple weeks and so, to make myself feel better, I just nabbed it, too! Along with a pair of new, pretty, non-work, shoes. Retail therapy FTW.

  2. Research, Not Law

    I generally haven’t warmed up to colorblocking, but I *love* this dress!

    • anon

      Be careful about French Connection though! I find that there sizes are frequently off and they are *extremely* strict about final sale.

      • Claire

        This is true. I also find their dresses way too short for anything other than a nightclub, but I’m 5’9 so YMMV

  4. Kontraktor

    Well the fact I want this dress aside… I just gave notice at my job. It feels weird. This is all very bittersweet. On the one hand, I am so grateful to have gotten a relatively decent offer with a new company that I don’t feel like cr*p about (so many postings/interviews I’ve had over the last year have been such negative experiences). On the other hand, I feel like I’m giving up an industry I’ve worked all the years for (public sector consulting and contracting was a good place for me to be given my background), and I feel like I’m now venturing into uncharted territory where I worry I will falter, become wayward, or just ultimately not really be a fit.

    I guess for now I’ll concentrate on the good aspects.. a 15% raise, the best benefits package I’ve come across, a 10 minute commute, a week off before starting (getting the hubs back during that time too), and approval to go on our (already booked) Hawaii trip a month after starting. The team seems friendly too. I hope I can make the most of this and that I made the right choice.

    I suppose I’ll still be Kontraktor though. Financor seems… weird and I can’t do a strange spelling of it as easy.

    • January

      Good luck! I understand your anxiety about heading into a new field, but hey – it’s how you grow, right? Sounds like things are looking up for you from when you first appeared here :)

      • Kontraktor

        I am hoping and praying this was the right choice and brings better times for me and my husband. It is nice to have the job hunt be over. I have not visited Indeed or Linked In in days and it feels great.

        • January

          I hope so too (and selfishly, I must add, you give me hope that there’s a light at the end of my tunnel, too). Congrats on the new position!

      • Kontraktor

        Hilton Hawaiian village. We got a cheap rate (less than $300 for a ocean front room and discounted parking), it’s next to that military hotel where we can stock up on sundries, and we think we will like all the pools/penguins/grounds/etc. I think it will be a good place to camp for a combo of active/beach lounging/face stuffing vacay. I’m still horrified this trip is going to be about 2x longer than our honeymoon. But so glad we have booked everything and new company was awesome about letting me take the week I won’t have built up yet.

        • SF Bay Associate

          Awesome! Have a wonderful time!!! It’s a great location in Waikiki – not too far from Ala Moana and the rest of Honolulu.

    • TCFKAG

      A TEN MINUTE COMMUTE. I think you need to focus on the positives here. :-)

      • Kontraktor

        Dude don’t even. I have never had less than an hour commute (at one point I was going over 2 hours to my job). This also means my husband, on days he is working nights, could *eat lunch with me* near my office. If I wanted to wear gym clothes and then change, I could almost even walk to work if I wanted. Mind = blown. I’m also proud of the 15% raise, as it was only going to be about 10% but I negotiated that additional 5%. Go me. :-)

        • TCFKAG

          Not to mention the savings in gas. Thats another whatever percentage right there.

          • Kontraktor

            Well, to be fair we will still be a one car house and I imagine my husband dropping me off in mornings and either getting me in the evenings or taking the bus home. BUT we are planning on selling our SUV when he gets back and hoping to get a Passat. That will double our gas mileage right there. I am so excited. I’m planning on using that extra $100+ per month to hire a house cleaner. OMG I cannot wait for the house cleaner.

    • Daisy

      It is bittersweet, but I think this sounds like a GREAT move for you, with way more pros than cons. It’s okay to feel a little strange – change is rarely easy – but no doubt in my mind you’re making the right decision. :-)

      I think you’d mentioned you’ll be doing something in wealth management now? What sort of role? I work in asset management.

      • Kontraktor

        Thanks Daisy! This response makes me feel a lot better and hopeful.

        Yep, I will be doing wealth management consulting, mostly with small financial advisory firms and independent financial wealth managers. It sounds like the work is pretty varied, so there will be a chance to get in the weeds with Excel/financial analysis and learn about the industry, but also help with some more traditional management consulting issues (business structure, automating processes, things like that). I am not sure how closely our team works with actual portfolio management, but the impression I got from my interviews is that the team is pretty nimble and likes to help their clients with a wide variety of tasks/projects and expects me to help find out the ways we can help, structure the projects, and integrate our service offerings with those of other teams.

        • Daisy

          Sounds very cool! We had someone like that set up in our office for a while helping to implement a new attribution system, and he comes by once in a while to check up on us. Seems like a good gig! :)

        • Susan

          That sounds great! I think you’ll do well, and it’ll be exciting. Glad to hear about all the other perks (short commute, increase in pay, etc.) Congrats and enjoy your Hawaii vacation with Mr. Kontraktor. :-)

    • Godzilla

      I like Kontraktor tho…it sounds like you chomp on contracts for lunch. Or spit them out easily, like it’s your superpower.

    • Herbie

      Financor sounds like what would happen if Megatron parted ways with the Decepticons (because they are a bad, no-good influence), straightened himself out, went to college, got a degree, and started a white collar job. So that could be kind of cool.

      Uncharted territory is good! You’ll do great. Good luck!

      • Kontraktor

        Too funny!! It is hard to decide… Financor is now growing on me, as is Financier because that sounds sophistocated.

          • NOLA

            I’m not sure Finankor is a real word. If she wants to use the German form, it would be Finanzier.

          • TCFKAG

            Was Kontraktor a real word? I just thought she liked Ks and to sound awesome….

          • Herbie

            FINANKOR – RAWR FLAMES MOVIE VOICE.

            He was Finankor at Harvard Business School.

            He’s FINANKOR when a deal goes wrong or when a minion screws up closing docs.

            [I’m talking about the Transformer Formerly Known as Megatron, btw. For whom I’ve developed an entire narrative about going to college (and now HBS for his MBA – isn’t he a high achieving robot!) and giving up his bad boy ways for a suit and a desk. Sometimes he goes home at night and stares at himself in the mirror. As he takes in his bland navy tie and bloodshot eyes, he wonders– who have I become?]

          • Ru

            FINANKOR, YES. Hello TCFKAG, you are awesome. Herbie, where is your fiction blog????

        • Marilla

          A financier is also a kind of mini French cake, so sophisticated AND delicious.

          • Kontraktor

            And I love eating. So there is another point for that.

            Yeah, I don’t know about the K’s. It’s just because you do that on the Intarweb. Like, replace letters with numbers and other letters and symbols.

            Finankor sounds like a mix between the female, investment banking version of my favorite smarmy lawyer mancrush Harvey from Suits, Thor, and that Star Wars character that almost ate Luke at Jaba’s palace (rancor). This combination does not sound like the world’s worst to be honest.

    • ahm

      Congrats! I haven’t been following the whole story but it sounds like a great gig to me. And enjoy the Hawaiian vacay :)

    • Amy H.

      Congratulations, K!!! That is one long list of great pros with very few cons. Nice work on negotiating yourself another 5%, too.

      • Amy H.

        And I hope we get to meet up in person one of these days, as I’m in the Bay Area too. Sad that I had to miss the latest East Bay gathering.

        • Kontraktor

          Thanks!! I’m proud of myself for negotiating because normally I am very non-confrontational. I am always up for more C-tt-e meetings, East Bay or not! Email me at cheshercat at hotmail dot com if you ever want to have a 2 person meet up as well

          • zora

            I know, we should really do another one soon. I know that there is a desire to do a South bay meetup, but maybe we should add a quicker rotation of East Bay meetups, there’s no reason not to have more, is there?

            I’d be willing to org something east bay in July if folks want me to. I would help with the south bay one, but i just have no idea what is there at all, so I wouldn’t know where to start.

          • Kontraktor

            I agree, I always like meeting new people and seeing old ones. I would vote for another quick east bay meet up for sure if there was interest.

          • Amy H.

            Excellent — will do! And zora, I’m in SF, but very happy to come to the East Bay. (I feel I know it better than the Peninsula/South Bay, too.) I am just annoyingly booked up on weekends for July (though for nice reasons), so for me, a weekend day in Aug. would be better. I’ll sign up to lead the charge to plan something for that month with the existing email list. . . .

  5. emcsquared

    Travel question! A friend is getting married in Chicago at the Garfield Park Conservatory (which seems to be on the green line train), and they booked a block of rooms in Oakbrook Terrace about 14 miles west of the wedding site. The hotel is not accessible to mass transit at all – you have to drive to get to a train, and then connect to the green line. There is a shuttle from the hotel to the wedding site, but it’s at old-people friendly times (like, you have to get to the wedding an hour and a half early and leave at 9 pm) and I’ve had generally bad experiences with hotel wedding shuttles.

    So my question – is there another area in Chicago where we could book a hotel room that would be accessible to mass transit, both for the wedding and for the rest of the weekend? Is this a safe area of town where we could book a hotel nearby-ish and walk to the Conservatory, or is that not a good idea?

    Any thoughts would be appreciated!

    • Divaliscious11

      You could book in the West Loop – there is a Marriott on Ashland that is 4-5 blocks from the Green line…..but, unless its a group of people, I don’t think I’d walk that at night….

      You wouldn’t want to stay walking distance to the conservatory….

      What do you mean by rest of weekend? To do other stuff in Chicago? If so above reco stands

    • anonymouse

      There might be a reason why the couple chose that particular hotel. Perhaps there are other wedding weekend activities very close by or they have a group rate that was pre-negotiated for their guests. Also, in my experience, it is a lot of fun to stay at the same hotel with the rest of the out-of-town guests; you make new friends, party together, etc. In short, I would recommend considering staying at the designated hotel and just taking a taxi to and from the ceremony/reception (rather than the shuttle) so that you don’t miss out on any of the fun.

    • HM

      Also think about a B&B in Oak Park. Even walking away from the Conservatory to the Green Line at night may not be the best choice. But calling a cab and taking it to Oak Park, with its cute downtown, will not break your budget!

      • Chicago

        Maybe HM’s experiences are different, but my family does not like the Oak Park B&Bs.

    • frustrated academic

      Oakbrook Terrace, depending on traffic, could be an hour drive away (best bet, with no traffic is about 30 minutes). Taxis could get really expensive, so if you are going to stay out there just rent a car. If you want to stay in Chicago proper, get a hotel room in the loop\mag mile and then take a cab to the conservatory.

    • Midori

      I’ll add my voice to those recommending against walking anywhere in Garfield Park. Especially at night. See if you can share a cab with friends, or even arrange with the hotel to run an extra shuttle later if there are enough of you (especially since they have a block of rooms for the event). The conservatory is lovely. The areas outside its gates… take some nerve if you don’t know the neighborhood.

    • Chicago

      Oak Park. The Carleton Hotel—an independent, old hotel. Very cute, and there’s lots to do in Oak Park (much more so than in Oakbrook Terrace!). And right on the green line.

    • S in Chicago

      The Conservatory is lovely but it’s an oasis in a pretty rough area. Stay in Oak Park and cab it. And if you leave during the day, you can feel OK taking the green line from there. I wouldn’t do it for the return trip home at night even though the platform is pretty close.

      Oak Park is probably midway between the Conservatory and Oak Brook Terrace. So if you decide to meet up with the Oakbrook Terrace sect, you’re probably talking another 15-20 minute cab ride west to get there (assuming it’s not rush hour). I used to work in Oakbrook and commute to my Oak Park condo to let my dog out at lunch–so very doable.

    • 312

      I wouldn’t recommend taking the green line – especially dressed up in wedding clothes. It’s not an overly safe line. Lots of hotels in the west loop or loop, which would be less than a $10 cab ride.

    • Caesia

      I second the Carleton hotel. It’s nothing fancy but a good value in a good location.

  6. rosie

    I picked up this dress from Loehmann’s in black a few weeks ago, and so far I love it. It looks fine after being washed (delicates cycle), and hits me just above the knee, so a comfortable length (I am 5’8”, have the medium). Trying to decide if I would wear it in this color…

    http://www.lastcall.com/p/MICHAEL-Michael-Kors-Wrap-Front-Jersey-Dress-Dresses-100-and-Under/prod11110148_cat3230003_cat000003_/?index=29&cmCat=cat000000cat000003cat3230003&isEditorial=false

    • Cat

      I like the color and would definitely wear it! But in the “con” column, not only is it a distinct color, but you have fewer color-pairing options for camis/cardis, so it would definitely be a noticeable “repeat” look.

        • rosie

          Right, but trying to decide if I also need the orange. It’s hard for me to find dresses that are long enough, but I don’t own anything this color.

      • Kontraktor

        I am not sure how bad repeats are. I have a lot of, uh, very distinctive items (think a hot pink 60s shift dress, a navy blue top with a whole bunch of ruffles and swirly polka dots that are green/yellow/pink/turquoise) that I wear often. But I love them! I think if people think I’m weird… oh well. Plus honestly I find even odd or colored things can end up being worn more ways than it seems initially, so color isn’t necessarily a death knoll for a piece… well at least in my all too vibrant point of view.

        • rosie

          I cannot remember ever seeing a coworker or friend and thinking “didn’t she just wear that.” I might think, “I always think she looks nice when she wears that,” but I don’t think I notice frequency.

          • Kontraktor

            Therefore I say buy all the orange things. I mean add to the fact that, like Seattleite, I think orange can be paired with a lot of stuff!

      • Seattleite

        Navy, grey, green, yellow, pink, camel…

        You can wear lots of colors with orange. The trick is to make sure that orange itself looks good on you, so that you’re wearing it rather than it wearing you. (The same is true for any color, even black.)

  7. January

    I’m not allowed to Facebook at work, so on a scale of 1 to You Have a Problem, how bad would it be if I took time off on Thursday afternoon to chat with Kat? :)

    • TCFKAG

      Since half the world is taking the entire rest of the week off after Wednesday….I’d say a you have a mild problem, but nothing severe (yet).

    • Monday

      I think taking time off for something you want to do is a great way to stave off bitterness and burnout.

  8. Help me, I'm pitiful!

    Help, ladies!

    Several years ago I applied for a job that would have been a huge step up for me. Made it all the way through the very long, involved, and arduous application process including multiple interviews, and ended up getting left at the altar. The whole experience kicked my behind in a very major way and left me utterly demoralized.

    Well. I have resolved to try again, and I am going through the tortures of the damned as I try to get the voluminous application materials together, get my references lined up, and so on. I have procrastinated and procrastinated and I really need to get. it. done. this week because next week my work schedule is going to get seriously hectic and I won’t have any time to devote to it.

    Help! Any commiseration or kicks in the pants would be greatly appreciated. Meanwhile, I am tearing my hair and rending my garments…

    • Michelle

      I feel your pain. I mean, it’s a funnel, and they read a billion resumes, screen a hundred, interview 10, do final interviews on 2 or 3 and then everyone but one person at most is told no… and you can’t win if you don’t play! But I do sympathize as it’s a tough process (the emotional “I want to go/no I don’t/Yes I do! THIS MINUTE!!!/no, they’re nice here and I know them…”), and so black/white in the end. But not getting the job doesn’t make you a bad person or even a bad hire – someone else could have been a slightly better fit, or maybe you were overqualified, or maybe the job wasn’t the right environment for you despite your skills and would have made you unhappy anyway. You never know. So good luck and karma will rule in the end.

    • emcsquared

      Blech for job applications. My strategy for getting through the projects in my “too hard” pile is to set a timer for 30 minutes (I use my iPhone; there is a meditation app with chimes and gongs that I like), and during those 30 minutes I can’t do anything but work on that project. I’ll give myself 10 minutes of “fun time” after the timer goes off – but I usually find that I’m in the zone after 30 minutes and re-set the timer for another 30, then another.. and then I’m usually done with the project.

      Good luck with the application!

    • Help me, I'm pitiful!

      Thank you so much, ladies!

      emcsquared, normally the timer trick works like a charm for me but I am so riled up about this that I’ve been having trouble even setting the blasted thing! Crazy, I know!

      Michelle, thanks for the pep talk.

      I am pleased to report I contacted FOUR people today about references and actually talked to two of them, so yay me! Also dug up the info I’d been needing about past cases I’d worked on, which needs to go into the application. So at this point I am feeling like it’s possible I will be finished by Friday.

      *whew*

      I think I will take the rest of the day off and go to my bikini wax appointment. Getting my pubes ripped out by the roots will definitely be MUCH less painful than working on this dad-blasted application!!

  9. Muddy Buddy

    What do you guys do when you seriously need to be productive but just can’t get your brain to focus?

    Getting very frustrated with myself.

    • SJR

      I make a list of things I need to do – detailed – not like finish brief, but more like finish checking the citations in XYZ section of the brief.
      Then I leave my office, take a brisk walk (5 min.) around the block/building/skyway/whatever you can do, and come back and start.
      I have this problem a lot, especially around this time of day, and I find that being more detailed in my to do list helps me immensely because I don’t feel so overwhelmed, and can take baby steps to finishing what I need to do.

    • emcsquared

      That sounds like either burnout or depression. I’d say, leave early today, take tomorrow off (I assume you are in the US – sorry if that’s wrong), and come back refreshed on Thursday. If it is burnout, giving yourself permission to take a day-and-a-half mini-vacation can do wonders.

    • Midori

      Ugh! There a LOT, it seems. Cup of tea, clear desk, close browser, make list of bites small enough that I can cross items off every 10-20 minutes. Promise myself reward for finishing.

    • Susan

      For a short bout of writer’s block, I self-medicate with Trader Joe’s Almond Clusters (almonds covered in milk chocolate…yum!)

    • Herbie

      I take 20 or 30 minutes and I try to do anything I can accomplish in five minutes or less. If I’ve really been dragging my feet, I’ll do this once in the a.m. and once in the afternoon. It really does (a) knock a lot of stuff off my plate; (b) help me feel productive; and (c) jump start me back into productivity.

  10. anon for this

    Ugh.

    Without a crazy amount of backstory, my husband and I haven’t been doing so hot for a while. No infidelity or addiction, but plenty of bad communication and general not-so-hot. My life, aside from my marriage, is great – I generally enjoy my job and find it challenging and rewarding, I have plenty of great friends, I have an active social life. And my marriage isn’t BAD…but it’s tolerable at best, and I am very enabling for him (he tends to get overwhelmed, ignore things until they reach crisis-level, and then address them…I either take care of things for him so they don’t reach crisis-level or nag/harass/remind him until he does something before crisis-level). The dynamic has made me lose all attraction to him and we have had s x twice in about 10 months or a year. We’ve been in therapy – first couples, then individual – for almost two years now. Things have improved somewhat, but not enough, and I’m starting to realize that things may not ever get any better.

    We have our first couples’ therapy session in a while later today. I had an individual session at lunch. I am pretty sure I want a separation. I go back and forth between being sure that this is the right step and being really, really sad that either we’ve lost what we once had, or we never had it but could if I just worked harder. Would appreciate hearing any stories from anyone who’s been in my shoes.

    • edj3

      Been there. When asked, my advice is pretty simple. You don’t have to make any decision right this second. In fact, being slow and deliberate is the way to go given that you are not in danger.

      So maybe it’s time to separate. If you do, then I’d talk it through with your therapist and figure out a timeline for making the next decision, and what it will take to be equipped to make that decision.

      FWIW, I separated a year after realizing things weren’t working and lots of time spent in marriage counseling. He filed about a year after that. I think taking that much time helped us a lot in terms of avoiding the bitter bus. YMMV.

    • Lil

      Adding my voice, though I know others will disagree.

      I’ve been in your shoes (almost exactly) and would strongly recommend that you continue both couples and individual sessions for at least six months before you proceed down the path of separation.

      Being divorced is awful. It is a legal status that will “mark” you potentially forever, unless you remarry (and if you do, that person will have to live with the knowledge that he was your second choice). I’ve been divorced for 6 years, and the guilt and pain has not subsided. I have to face myself in the mirror each day knowing that I broke the single most important promise I have ever made in my life…a promise that I made in front of everyone who knew me, none of whom I can now look in the eye. I have lost my friends, my self respect, and most importantly the ability to trust myself, even in the most basic situations. I cannot sustain a relationship with anyone I truly care for, since I know that (1) I am not to be trusted when it comes to making lifelong commitments, and (2) any guy who is truly great deserves better than a divorcee.

      I left my H in a panic because he had a violent temper. After one climatic night, I could not imagine feeling safe under the same roof with him. That said, if I could do it again I would have adjusted my expectations and stayed.

      • NOLA

        I could not disagree with this more. I am much more happy divorced than I was married, although my husband left. I feel no guilt and I was not the one who broke the promise. Still, even if I had, I don’t doubt the decision AT ALL. And I don’t think I’m tainted in any way because I’m divorced. It just means that I am older, wiser and know better what I need and want.

        OP, I can’t say what you should do. My marriage wasn’t awful either and I probably would have stayed married and been miserable. But I didn’t even realize how stressed I was by dealing with it. Divorce for me was very freeing. But wait and see how things go with therapy.

      • Seattleite

        I cannot state strongly enough how much I disagree with this.

        Lil, if in fact you are a real person and not baiting us, I hope very much you will seek counseling to regain your sense of self. Above all, every person deserves to feel safe in his/her primary relationship.

        • rosie

          Definitely this. Please get help, Lil. And I don’t think you broke your promise, your ex-husband did when he was abusive.

      • Anonforthis

        Just for another point of view on the “second” choice thing… My husband was married for two years previously. And he had a kid before that with another woman. He is my first marriage and I have no children. It honestly does not matter to me that he was married before or already has a kid. I thought it would matter when I was dating and then I met him and rules like that seemed really ridiculous.

        I am not his second or third choice. I am his first and we both wish we had met each other sooner, but we both also know that it took us awhile to be the people we are today and those two people are perfect for each other even if we are not perfect people.

        There is NOTHING wrong with a person just because they are divorced. It means that things didn’t work out with ONE of the billion people on this earth. That’s hardly a failure.

      • cfm

        Oh god lord lil. So first, I am a person who does think people jump the gun on divorce sometimes. And also think they jump the gun on marriage. I think if people were more careful, we would see a decline in divorce rates. I don’t think there should be so much pressure to get married.

        That said, of course getting divorced can be awful, but Lil, you have to realize you have serious issues. I don’t mean that in a mean way, but there is no reason you should feel that you can’t look the friends who went to your wedding in the eye. Don’t you have a friend who is divorced? Do you feel the way you feel about yourself about them? I really hope not and I hope you realize how wounded you sound. Considering your ex had a violent temper, I can’t help but think he was emotionally manipulative if not abusive.

        OP, if it sounded like you were depressed I would recommend more counseling, but from your description, it sounds like your marriage is the worst part of your life. I can’t say what the right step for you is, but its normal to feel sad about this process.

      • edj3

        Lil, have you considered more counseling for where you are right now? I’m concerned that you say you’ve lost your friends, your self-respect and your ability to trust yourself. Those are fundamental issues and going on the way you are is no way to live.

        You are right when you say that divorce isn’t easy; I would never suggest otherwise. I had to do a lot of work to figure out how and why my first marriage had diminished into such an unhappy unhealthy relationship that was slowly damaging us both. Please know that no matter how rotten you feel about yourself and that decision to leave someone with whom you felt unsafe, you felt that way for a reason.

        I sincerely hope you can find yourself again because I believe you are not damaged goods because you are divorced.

      • Silvercurls

        Please be more kind to yourself. Sometimes life just takes a different direction and nobody’s to blame. We think we’re catching the train to Picket Fenceville when all of a sudden the view out the windows resembles a Salvatore Dali painting!

        People, plans and circumstances change, or we make mistakes (such as realizing one or both parties are not as compatible as they originally believed), or we realize that we don’t want whatever it was we thought we wanted. It’s sad to end one’s marriage end by deliberate choice rather than by a loving deathbed scene after fifty-plus years of mutual devotion, but it’s not life-destroying and you are not damaged goods. This is not The Age of Innocence when a divorcee might as well have worn a scarlet “D” if she dared to show her face in so-called proper social circles!

        Because you’re on C*rp*r*tte, I trust you’re sufficiently educated, empowered, and able to support yourself–and I mean this whether you work as a law firm partner or as an administrative assistant. You’ve made a work life for yourself, so have faith in your ability to form your personal life as well. If your original social circles are what’s making you view yourself so negatively, well…there are ways to quietly expand your own affiliations without aggressively denying all the beliefs of your previously near & dear. No need to be sneaky; just do what you want and if anyone tries to call you on it give them a quiet, no-drama-but-also-no-apologies statement such as “different strokes for different folks” or “it’s nice that you do your thing while I do mine.” Nothing to see here so let’s move along please: the polite version of JSFAMO.

        Full disclosures: I haven’t been divorced, hope not to be (although I’ve thought about it–as I suspect most married people have), and agree with my divorced friend’s advice “it’s better not to, but go ahead if you just don’t see any other way”… but I don’t see it as a life-long calamity if it happens. I have also worked as an administrative assistant :-).

      • cbackson

        Unfortunately, this is a real person – I’ve seen this here before. Lil, I’m sorry that you feel this way about your own choices. That said, divorced barely carries a stigma at all in most communities, particularly for those who divorced early into the marriage and without children. And a second spouse isn’t a second choice – a second spouse is a second opportunity.

        Finally, I think it’s incredibly irresponsible to suggest, as you do, that the appropriate response to being in physical fear is to “adjust your expectations.”

      • Lil

        Thank you ladies for your ideas. I have been in therapy for years. It honestly makes me feel worse, like I am trying to score a get out of jail free card from feelings that I deserve to have for my poor choices. I will say that I think my worst choice was marrying my exDH, and the divorce was only second worst.

        I’m hoping that time heals all wounds because this is seriously undermining my ability to do my job. It is miracle that I have thrived in my career, since I doubt my competence daily and am almost afraid to come to work. Yes I have read about imposter syndrome too.

        • Seattleite

          So you lacked the judgement to choose wisely (or to see beyond his false facade). And that is a sin, for which you should have been punished for the rest of your life?

          Lil, I sort of get it. I considered my marriage a covenant before God, and felt terrible about breaking it. My therapist looked at me and gently said, “Do you really think a kind and loving Father would want you to be miserable for 65 years simply because at 23 you lacked the skill to choose wisely?”

          Please forgive yourself. Not for getting divorced, because I don’t think that is something that needs forgiving. Forgive yourself for being wrong about who you picked. You don’t have to be perfect and right all the time to deserve happiness.

          • eek

            Lil – you are being too hard on yourself. Even the Bible says you shouldn’t have to wait until heaven to find happiness. I’m a divorcee and I’m really glad I am. I didn’t lose a single friend, a lot of them saw it coming, and I am a much better person for it. Yeah, at first I felt like I gave up on something, but then I realized I didn’t give up on me. I’ve done a heck of a lot in the years since my divorce and I am pretty darn proud of myself. I hope you get to a happy place.

          • Anon

            Second this. Our pastor has a second job within the archdiocese. He is the Defender of the Bond for the Tribunal. (He argues for the church side when annulments are requested.). Even he states that there is no room for physical or emotional abuse in a marriage, the covenant is being broken by the abuser, and annulments are valid because it doesn’t meet the church definition of marriage. Infidelity, other things could go either way but the abuse topic is one that comes up during RCIA or counseling and that is his answer.

            I’m not sure how you feel about religion but I thought I would throw out that even the church that views divorce unfavorably does realize there are valid reasons to leave one.

        • Child of remarriage

          Lil, both my parents had a bad first marriage. They divorced, then met each other and married. I am one of the very happy products of that marriage. My parents made the RIGHT decision by divorcing their first spouses. Yes, it’s very nice when marriage lasts forever, but when spouses are abusive YOU DO NOT STAY TO BE ABUSED. YOU GET OUT. Ridiculous theoretical question: would your friends, in front of whom you made your wedding vows, want you to be abused? If they do, you have bad friends.

          Lil, I think of the ladies on C@@@@@e!!e as my friends. When my real life girl friends get boyfriends, I warn the suitors: Do not hurt Girlfriend or I will beat you up. Also, I have a husband who will beat you up too. So the same thing goes for you, Lil: ExDH (why is he D!H ?) hurt you. Can I beat him up?

          I realize it’s hard to get out of mental patterns. Please, when you’re feeling down, know that there are people out there who will go to bat for you, love you, care for you, esteem your opinion, and value you. Some of them know you IRL, others are here on C@p@@e!!e. Take it on faith. When I have a self-esteem crisis, I do repeat this mentally. The first 10 times it was very difficult: people love me? Yeah, right! But THEY DO!

          You are a valuable human being, Lil. Please, please, remember that. And when you’re feeling bad, know that there are people out there who will go to bat for you, love you, care for you, esteem your opinion, and value you.

      • Anonymous

        Also disagree. There is a very real possibility that your “adjusted expectations” would have fueled a cycle of violence that would have damaged you both (and children).

        By divorcing him, he may have had an awakening that was only really possible through your leaving. If he’s better, and your regrets are based on that, stop looking in the rearview mirror.

        While you are at it, rip that scarlet “D” off the bodice of your dress, Hester Prynn, and stop listening to people who frame divorce in shame. Forgive yourself and resume your life as the strong, take-charge person who loves herself enough to quit a partner with any violent behavior on their relationship resume. Be good to yourself, at peace with youself and you’ll have a great anchor for being a healing presence for others.

        It’s not the divorce that taints people, it’s the emotional churning, or the lack of learning from the loss and not building conflict-resolution or relationship skills (if needed) that scares most people off. It can happen with a casual breakup.

        Sending you a hug, and hope you have a happy Independence Day, as I’ve been there, and am married with more children.

      • cbackson

        I’m still so sad over this comment that I had to come back to it today: Lil, if you are a Christian, and I sort of recall that you are, please talk to a priest or minister about this. If you believe that you have sinned (which I disagree with, but it’s not my call), and you have repented that sin, God has forgiven it. We harm ourselves, out of pride and fear, when we do not accept that forgiveness and do not allow ourselves to live a life of wholeness and joy as God desires for us. As the Psalmist wrote, “if thou, oh Lord, shouldest mark iniquities, oh Lord, who could stand? But there is forgiveness with thee, that thou mayest be feared.”

        • Kontraktor

          Agreed. I second this especially if you are Catholic. Has your marriage been anulled? If no, you should look into it. It may give you more peace and closure. At the very least, talking to a priest will help with this.

        • Anon for now

          re: Therapists
          Maybe you don’t have the right therapist? I’ve switched therapists before because I did not think I had a good fit/would make enough progress with one. For me, though it meant I had to tell my story again to an extent, it was worth it. Both times.

          Re: Talking with a priest/pastor
          This could be a good thing, but there are some pastors who do believe that any problems in a marriage are caused by the woman “not submitting to her husband” enough/the right way/etc.

          I wish I could say that’s an “old-fashioned” view, so that perhaps choosing a young pastor would be helpful, but there’s a movement in Christianity that encourages giving lip service to the equality of women and men, while simultaneously promoting the view that men have been gifted with authority over women. (The wording used is much more euphemistic.) One of the movement’s most influential pastors has stated publicly that a woman should be willing to “submit to” being abused “for a season”.

          If you are still reading, Lil, and I don’t know your religious background (if any): I don’t believe that the abuse of a woman, or submitting to abuse, brings any glory to God at all. As others have mentioned, your husband broke covenant with YOU, when he abused you. If you are in a religious community that is not helping you heal, know that there are other serious, committed Christians (or Jews, or Muslims, and others, whatever your faith may be, if you claim one) who will welcome you.

      • anon for this OP

        Thanks to everyone who responded…even though I know I’m hardly the first person in the history of the world to be in this position, it’s comforting to hear from others who have emerged on the other side. We are in the best possible position in that we are still young, no kids, and both have stable enough careers that finances will not be an issue if and when I move out (or when he does, I suppose). It just sucks.

        And Lil…I sincerely, sincerely hope you find a form of therapy that helps you work through things. You do not deserve how harsh you are being on yourself. At all.

    • Seattleite

      I have been there, done that. And was stuck in limbo for several years, because it wasn’t a good marriage, but it didn’t seem bad enough to leave. (There were children involved.)

      Then I read “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay,” and that helped. I finally screwed up the courage to separate, and the morning after he moved out I woke up with an incredible sense of relief. He made the divorce bitter and ugly, but kids & I got through it and are doing much better than during the marriage. And XH quickly remarried to a new enabler, so any (unfounded) lingering guilt that I didn’t try hard enough is gone baby gone.

      • DC Association

        thanks for this. I’m going to check out that book. I need it…being in limbo just like you (see below post).

    • DC Association

      I am sorry. I hope your session went well.

      Also been there, done that. Sort of. My H and I are separated but agonizingly living in the same house still. For 9 months now. Because he doesn’t have the money to move out. And we have a child. I have to put my foot down and tell him to leave. Like you, I am an enabler and too nice (or maybe it is weak) to tell him to go.

      However, I am not ready to pull the plug and get divorced until he does finally move out and we have a real separation. I need to see if I feel differently when he actually IS gone. of course I cannot tell you from experience what will happen, but I recommend that route. This whole living together while separated hasn’t helped as I am still plagued with all the reminders of what has been wrong, my unhappiness, the dysfunction, etc. So…if you are going to separate, really separate. You don’t mention whether you have any kids which of course makes it all more difficult.

      Anyway, you have given me more encouragement to finally tell him he needs to find another place. It is just so hard. Hang in there. And know you are not alone. SO many people are in similar situations. Life is too short to have a “meh” marriage. You deserve more. Everyone does.

      • Seattleite

        DCA, that sounds brutal. Fingers crossed for you that he will leave soon and without fuss. My prediction is that once he’s gone you’ll find it easier to even breathe.

    • eek

      One of the things that I realized in my marriage was that my ex made my life a lot harder. My life without him is so much easier. It was really hard to make the step, but after several years and many other issues, I realized things were never going to change. I hope you both find peace in your decision.

    • AFT2

      OP — I am in the exact same position. Contemplating a separation, which DH does not want, because I feel like there is no room for anyone’s needs but his. We have kids, which makes things harder, and I know I share the blame because I am a total enabler. He has agreed to counseling, so I am taking it one day at a time. I hope we both end up in a happier place — with or without the Hs.

  11. Godzilla

    RAWRRRRRRRRRRRR. I need some JSFAMO advice, puhleez. I have a troubled coworker who’s been using me as an unofficial diary/therapist/confidante/etc and I need it to stop. Desperately. I’ve done everything I can to distance myself but I need help. Basically, tactics/phrases I can use to end oversharing convos. I’ve spoken to my boss and he pushed it back to me (which I 50% understand and am 86% pi$$ed off with bc he needs to do smtg about the sitch, too, as it’s much larger than just talking to me). Today, I just got up in the middle of the conversation at my cubicle and JUST LEFT. Next time, I really feel like I’m going to RAWR. Help.

    • Daisy

      Maybe cut her off and say you need to get back to work. Then write a quick email – “Sorry to have cut you off. I wish I had time for these long chats during the work day, but I don’t. Hope you understand.”

      Where are these conversations happening? Is she coming over to your office/desk?

      • Godzilla

        Everywhere. My desk, hers when I’m just walking by (although I’m getting better at running off), the hallways, the bathroom, the train (she found me when we were commuting home last week), just everywhere. She’s totally in crisis but I really can’t help her and it makes me feel so guilty for avoiding her. But I have to – for my personal and professional sanity.

        • nona

          The Hax has given some good advice on this in the past, although more with personal friends using you as their alternate therapist. I think her advice basically boils down to telling the other person “it sounds like your problems are beyond the reach of my help. I’d like to be your friend, but you need to talk to a professional about these things because I really can’t help you”

          Maybe the work place equivalent is “You sound like you have a lot going on, but since I’m at work, I need to do my actual work. You might try talking to HR about any company resources (employee assistance programs) that might be helpful. ” Or on the train ride home “Co-worker, this is my relaxing quiet time before I get home. I really can’t talk right now.” And then put in your earbuds (even if they aren’t attached to anything) and close your eyes.

    • PollyD

      Sometimes I find that saying, “Oh, that’s too bad,” in a totally disinterested voice sort of takes the wind out of their sails. And never ask any questions or share any problems/stories of your own. It’s hard if they have you trapped in your cube/office, but maybe you could sort of glance at your computer and say, “Oh, I’ve been waiting for this email, got to go.”

      It always feels sort of mean to do this, but it’s rough when people don’t pick up on the more subtle cues that the conversation is over, I guess sometimes they need a less subtle nudge.

      • Godzilla

        I’ve been doing that. Sigh, I guess I need to not have lunch at my desk, so there’s really no excuse for idle chatter.

    • JK

      OMG this. I have a coworker who constantly plops down in my office and tells me about her love life, how lonely she is, how she isn’t sure what she wants to do with her life, about her family problems….etc. She has even cried in my office. I feel genuinely sorry for her and so I sit there and listen (albeit, not saying much, and sometimes trying different tactics to look busy) but it makes me really uncomfortable. I’m a lawyer, not a therapist! I feel cold-hearted complaining about it, but I just don’t know what to say to make it stop without being rude. I’ve considered suggesting therapy to her but I don’t want to offend her.

      • Godzilla

        I actually did suggest therapy to my coworker, because her problems are really that severe. And recommended someone to her. And I told her that I’m not equipped to help her and if she really cares about herself and wants things to be different, she’d try it out. Seriously, there are very few boundaries between us, unfortunately.

          • nona

            Maybe you just need a piece of paper that you carry with you at all time that says “Problem Free Zone – Problems neither Solved or Discuss” and whip it out every time she veers into inappropriate territory. And do it. Every.Time. You might not be able to stay a good guy in this, though, because she seems to fail to realize she has boundary issues and may take offense.

          • Godzilla

            I like this idea. It also works to cancel out work-related moans and groans.

        • Flamingo

          It really sounds like you have done all you can to be polite and direct. I’m curious… what did she respond when you suggested the therapist? I think the only thing left to just directly ask her to not bring this up anymore. Tell her you genuinely feel bad for her situation, but you feel you have done all you can and at this point you think it would be best if she would address this would a professional because these conversations are affecting you professionally and personally. This sounds like a tough one.

          • Godzilla

            She said she would do it. But she didn’t. And every time she sees me, she tells me she’s going to do it. So, she’s receptive.

          • Seattleite

            Co-Worker: “My life sucks, blah blah blah.”
            Godzilla: “You know, instead of sitting here venting about it, go back to your desk and make that therapy appointment.”

            -or-

            Co-Worker: “My life sucks, blah blah blah.”
            Godzilla: “So. What are you going to DO about it?”

            I have, in fact, used both of those responses.

        • Senior Attorney

          “Coworker, I am so sorry but as I have told you, I am not equipped to help you with this situation. I am going to go back to work now and I really really urge you to call the therapist I recommended.”

          “I am so sorry, but I just can’t help you with this. I hope you are able to find some professional help very soon.”

          “I know this is super hard for you, but I am just not able to help and I really must get back to work.”

          “I am so sorry, but I am totally unqualified and I just don’t feel comfortable discussing this with you any more. I hope you will find a therapist who can help you.” (This for when you get caught by her outside of work.)

          • Godzilla

            Thank you. I’m going to keep repeating these to myself. And tell myself I’m not being mean (cringe, please don’t hate me).

          • Senior Attorney

            Not mean at all! If anything, your putting an end to the free amateur counseling may hasten the day when she seeks help from somebody who is actually qualified! ;)

          • nona

            Definitely not mean – just setting boundaries. She’s really the one being rude by not taking the hint.

          • edj3

            You’re actually helping her. She needs to make that move and you can be the kind, persistent reminder to take that step.

          • Anonymous

            By asking her to focus on work, so you can too, you are assuring that both of you have ample time for your professional success. She’s asking for more than what’s in your co-worker job description, which is empathy and a little time to help with working dynamics, because yes, it’s good to know if someone’s haivng a bad day, or if a cup of kindness will grease the wheels.

            Coach her about what YOU need. “I need this time for my work – is this going to help with both of our professional development? Ask her a professional question. Bonus points if she needs to research the answer. Get it back to professionalism, or send her to HR so they can coach her.

            This is selfish in a way that helps both of you.

    • Walnut

      When she ambushes you at your desk, call your desk phone from your cell. Carry on a fake conversation with yourself for as long as it takes her to leave.

      • A to Z

        Do the opposite of what everyone suggests. Turn the tables around by asking her to solve one of yor problems. Pick out an appropriate problem, and then every time she brings up her problem, respond by immediately bringing up your problem. It doesn’t have to be anything too deep or too personal. We all have them. If you don’t feel comfortable doing this at work, do it at lunch or over drinks, or whatever. The try to spend 90 percent of the time when you actually do talk to her focusing on your problem, not hers.

    • mamabear

      About a year ago, a woman I work with sent out an email with everyone in the bcc line (so we didn’t know who else received it) and said something to the effect of,

      “I know I seem like a friendly person, but when I’m at work, I want to get work done and get out of here. I have many obligations outside of work. So please do not stop by my cube to chit-chat during the day. Just don’t. I know this makes me sound like a major beach, but so be it. If you really want to chat with me, let’s schedule lunch or even drinks after work. When I’m working, let me work.”

      When I received her email, I thought, “hmm, I don’t stop by her cube to chat, do I?” but then I realized I had done it a couple of times. Not for a lengthy chat, but more like, “hey, did you see they had that Jane Austen movie on PBS this weekend?” I also thought she was in fact being kind of a beach. And the irony that she stops by my office to chat on her own terms is not lost on me.

      But, we’re still friends. I know she is touchy about certain things and I accept that about her.

      So if you don’t mind p1ssing off a couple of people on your list, you might do something like what my friend did.

    • NYNY

      I’m late to this party, but I’ve experienced this and ended up having success with a tactic no one has mentioned: the buddy system. I doubt that you’re the only person coworker is doing this to, so maybe you and another coworker can save each other? When She-Who-Needs-Therapy comes to your desk, your tag team partner should call or stop by with a question that needs your help now. You’ll do the same for her, of course, when SWNT accosts her.

      It’s not direct, but you’ve been direct and it hasn’t worked.

      • Godzilla

        HA, I used to do that with someone. Whenever somebody would visit my cubicle and start chatting with no end in sight, my cubicle neighbor would call my phone and I’d just “have to take this call”.

  12. Anon for this

    Going anon because I’m not sure if anyone I know reads this site and I don’t want to give too much away (although I’m probably being paranoid).

    My boyfriend lives in another city (about a 4 hour flight away) and so we’re going it long distance. Generally it’s ok – we both work a lot and have fairly active social lives. We try to visit each other once a month, which has been working for the last few months and likely will continue to work until at least October.

    He just left today after a few great but very busy days and I’m feeling really sad. I don’t usually feel this way but I’ve been on the verge of tears all day (which is not really where I want to be while attempting to work). My bf is a great guy but sometimes isn’t great with emotions (and tears), plus I’m pretty sure this is harder on me even though I tend to be pretty unemotional.

    I guess I just needed to vent. I’m sure I’ll be back to feeling like myself within a day or two. Any advice/commiseration/long-distance success stories?

    • FP Angie

      My boyfriend, now husband and father of my two cuties, lived about 1.5-2 hrs away (driving, more if traffic was bad) for most of our relationship. When it got to that “sad” point, we figured it was time one of us had to move. For us, it made the most sense for him to move to my area. So I would say we’re def. a success story, but at some point someone has to give. And for you, it may not be now, and I know a few people who have a bi-coastal marriage/partnership, but it was only for a year or so before someone moved.

    • Y

      Dated long distance for over two years (flight was a little under 2 hours), married him a couple years after that. Neither one of us thought we’d still be together today when we started seeing each other long distance, but when it’s meant to be…!

      Also, have a friend who met her now husband on her bar trip (after taking the bar exam, for non-lawyers out there). They dated long distance between London and NYC and have been happily married for a couple of years now.

      There is hope!

    • phillygirlruns

      been there. my husband and i were long-distance for the first year or so that we dated – he lived in FL while i was up in philly, so about a 2 hour plane ride. it was pretty crappy – at first the goodbyes weren’t THAT bad, but as time went on and we got closer, it got downright awful.

      he eventually moved up here and it was surreal being able to be with him pretty much whenever i wanted. i have to say that i couldn’t have continued to do the long distance thing indefinitely – the only thing that made it tolerable was knowing that there was an end point, even when he was still looking for jobs and we didn’t know WHEN that end point would be.

      • Quiche

        BF and I did long distance the entire time I was in college–he was on the west coast, I was on the east coast, and we saw each other twice a year for summer and winter break. It sucks. There was lots of crying and being sad and just wanting it to end so I could get a d@mn hug. But we were both busy (college, jobs, social lives) and the distractions helped. But nothing makes it fun.

        But we knew it would only last three years, and during the time we got to spend together we always planned something special so there was something to look forward to, ie “I can’t stop crying and I want a hug and I want to go home, but at least next month we have awesome plans to go to the coast for a weekend and made reservations at a really nice restaurant I’ve always wanted to try and I know I’ll be happy then.”

    • JK

      My husband and I dated long distance for four years before finally moving in together during law school. We were only about a 2 hour drive from one another, but were very busy and so the separation was hard. I found myself resenting all the happy couples doing “normal coupe-ly things” all over the place. Every time I would leave his house to drive home I’d cry. It got to a point of transition (us both wanting to go to law school) where we had to discuss the future and we decided that enough was enough and we needed to be in the same place. Hang in there!!!!!

    • Kontraktor

      Hubs and I were long distance for 6 years before we got married. Then, I moved away again 2 weeks after the wedding and we were apart for another 2 years. We just moved in together for the first time about 3 months ago, but then he got deployed and so… we’re still not really living together. The longest we’ve ever spent together was about 12 weeks before the wedding. We didn’t make it that far after moving/before he got deployed.

      Anyway, it can and does work out if you want it to, but it takes commitment to each other, to establishing a routine, and to prioritizing the relationship to make it work. We always find time to talk and have done so through projects, huge time zone differences, multiple country living situations, you name it. But we’re always the first priority. The sadness is normal, though, but honestly for me has gotten worse over the years. As I love him more and our lives intertwine more, I find myself much more affected by his absense. There is something missing when he is gone, and it is awful. No big girl p*anties here. I am totally upfront about saying that it is sad and is not pleasant. So, it’s okay to be sad. But, it will help I think if you guys really make sure you know where you are going with the relationship and continue to prioritize one another. I can work if you love each other and want it to work.

    • Anon Pulling the Trigger

      Just passed the 9 month mark with my long distance man (“LDM”). It is the worst, but got temporarily better once we set a plan (i.e. me moving.) Knowing there was an end in sight was comforting! However, the job search isn’t exactly going as planned so we both have waves of sadness/frustration, and it is really hard when my sad wave doesn’t coincide with LDM’s sad wave.

      Oh, and if you don’t have Skype, get it immediately. I love sharing a bottle of wine on Fri nights and catching up. Bonus: when you are “sharing” a bottle of wine with someone 300 miles away, they have their own bottle, so no need to share yours!

      • rosie

        My (now) husband and I used to have Skype/Gchat video dates where we watched TV together on Hulu when we were long distance, but I like the wine date, too.

    • associate

      Fiance and I did long distance for a year. I totally had days like yours. At times, he’d drive away from a weekend together, and I’d want to pull one of those chase-his-car-crying moves (which is totally out of character for me). I had a lot going on at the time, but I missed him and loathed the long distance. It helps to have an end in sight. If you haven’t talked about when/if you can live in the same place, I’d suggest having the discussion.

    • Bonnie

      My DH and I were long distance for the first 4 years we dated. First it was a 4 hour flight then a 2 hour drive. To me, the key to making it work is working towards living in the same place and seeing the current situation as temporary. Good luck.

    • Divaliscious11

      Its totally okay to feel sad, so stop beating yourself up for it. Saying goodbye is tough even in the best of relationships, but remember, you are only saying see you later…. Hang in there….I’ll be you on Thursday….

    • Anon for this

      OP here – thank you so much ladies!

      We do have an end date in mind – unfortunately it’s still 16-18 months away for professional reasons (for him). He does want to move here (and decided that independently before we even met) but he has amazing professional opportunities where he is and I could not ask him to give those up.

      We also communicate exceptionally well (better than any relationship either of us have had) and make it a point to prioritize each other. And our weekends together are amazing – it is 3-5 days of quality time where we rarely watch tv or check our phones, we’re just doing things together and enjoying each other’s company so we do get good time together when we finally do see each other.

      I think I had expected that it would get easier as we got used to it but instead, as we get closer, it’s getting more difficult (at least for me). Thank you for sharing your success stories and experiences – it does make me feel better that other people have felt this way. I think I was beating myself up for being sad and not handling the separation well, fully knowing what I was getting into.

      I’m definitely going to bookmark this thread and re-read it every time we leave each other. You ladies are amazing!

      • eek

        Awww. I feel awful for you. But, you can definitely do this and it sounds like you both have an amazing time when you are together and a pretty good time talking to each other. I’m going on two years of LD and my second deployment (in middle of it right now). We have 11 more months to go until we can be in the same city. Nothing wrong with being sad – it’s your heart talking which is a good thing (i’d be worried about you if you weren’t sad). Start planning your next visit and know that with each visit/goodbye you are that much closer to being together.

      • Bonnie

        FWIW I think DH and I had an advantage when we did finally moved in together because we spent so much time talking when we lived apart.

      • KW

        I recently hit a wall with my long distance guy too. We’ve been together 4 years, and long distance for the past 2.5, seeing each other once a month for about 40 hours at a time. At first it was exciting, but now it’s miserable. And we just finished a 1 week vacation, and I ended up being very frustrated with him. We haven’t ‘grown apart’ over the last 2.5 years, just ‘grown differently’ so it was difficult to be thrown into a 24/7 environment with him again. Even though we’re good about having a consistent communication pattern, we probably need to readjust to work through things until we can be together again (which is of course due to professional reasons; hopefully in the next year).

        I suppose this is more ‘commiserating’ than ‘supportive’ but I wanted to pass along the perspective of someone who isn’t on the other side yet!

  13. boy presents

    I would appreciate ideas on what to get my fiance for his 30th. He likes nice things, and his hobbies are cooking, music, and soccer. In the past, I got him cuff links, ties, dress shirts, watch, so I’d like to stay away from that stuff. As we have an upcoming wedding, we have registered for most of the cooking stuff we want. I’m stuck. He keeps mentioning wanting a straight razor, but I have no idea where to start with that. Any ideas?

    • FP Angie

      There are specialty shaving shops that can probably help you. I got my husband a luxe, old-timey shaving kit (cup, bristle brush, straight razor) from one… I can’t recall where but I’m sure you can google it.

    • Daisy

      Art of Shaving can definitely set you up with a very nice straight razor plus some fancy accessories.

    • Looking for...

      What about a beer-of-the-month club or something similar, that does craft beers that pair well with certain foods?

    • InfoGeek

      Maybe a couple of nice cook books (or books about chefs) that he would like?
      Marcus Samuelson has a book out called Yes, Chef.
      Ted Allen has a new cookbook out, too.

      If you want an “experience” gift, are there any cooking schools around you that do short-term classes?

      • SAB

        Second the gift cards for classes suggestion. I got gift cards from DH for intro photography classes and cooking classes. Check with kitchen supply stores, William Sonoma, Viking School, for short term/done in a day type class schedules. Knife skills, grill skills, pastry making, wine pairing, choices are endless and he can pick one that fits his schedule.
        I can see my husband liking the romance of a straight razor and then thinking it was a total PITA for travel and daily use.

    • anonymo

      Look on Amazon. I did that, and was able to get a good boar shaving brush, straight razor, sample pack of blades, and an italian shaving cream – though I think he prefers the l’occitane shaving cream now.

      • anonymo

        Also, if you do live near an art of shaving store, you can get a giftcard to get a hot shave. I’ve heard good things.

  14. Looking for...

    Looking for a gynecologist with experience with IUDs in the DC area. I’ve heard that it’s important to find a provider with experience to lower the risk of infection. Any leads? Thanks!

    • r

      Check w/ GWU Medical Faculty Associates. I highly recommend Dr. Gaba. Fair warning: it will probably be a few months until there is an appointment open.

    • Bluejay

      Also at GW Medical Faculty Associates, I recommend nurse practitioner Dogo in the OBGYN department. You shouldn’t have to wait more than a week or two at an appointment, she’ll do an exam and counsel you on your options, and if you go with the IUD you’ll have to make a follow-up appointment to have it inserted. I have been her patient for a couple of years and I really, really like her.

  15. shortiek

    The thread the other day about a clothing swap reminded me of the other websites I check out for second hand clothes, and that I’d like to find more of them.

    1) Marketplace forum on Alterations Needed, but it isn’t as useful as it used to be.
    2) J Crew Afficionada. Even though I don’t get the hype about J Crew, sometimes there will be something great in my size.
    3) I check out the “shop my closet” of a few bloggers that I follow

    I’ve heard of other people getting scammed (apparently there was a fashion blogger that stole thousands of dollars) but I’ve bought maybe 10 things total and never had a problem.

  16. Lyssa

    Arrgghhh, Family Law, Arrrghhh! I obviously can’t post about what I’ve actually just been told about my current case, but suffice it to say that a bad Lifetime movie couldn’t paint the other parent of my client’s children any worse than he/she actually is. Simply unbelievable. And I can’t get into court (which decided to close early today) for at least 2 weeks, and when we finally do, we’ll probably be encouraged to “work it out” in some way. Which, if it were possible to do, we Wouldn’t. Be. In. Court. Arrggghhh! So frustrating; so powerless!

    • KC

      So…does this mean quitting my job and returning to law school (i’ve done a year) in a month with hopes of practicing family law is my worst idea ever? I really want to help people and am not in it for money……hope your case turns out ok, and you arn’t powerless…you are doing something-always better than nothing!

      • Senior Attorney

        Yes, going into family law with that attitude is the worst idea ever. Seriously. Law is a business and when you go into private practice you are becoming a businessperson. Family law litigants never have enough money and if you are not careful you will end up doing involuntary pro bono. There are public interest organizations that help family law litigants, but they are largely staffed by volunteers and the number of paid positions is very small indeed.

        Honestly, before you do this I urge you to make a plan for how you are going to actually earn a living as a family law attorney.

      • Lyssa

        I’m sure that others will chime in, but I’m going to have to say yes, it’s a terrible idea (sorry for being blunt). Now, I’ll say that I, personally, didn’t ever plan to practice family law, so maybe I’m a little jaded about the whole thing, but anyone will tell you that it is difficult.

        First, regarding the money – everyone says that they want to do things and they’re not about the money, but ultimately, unless you happen to be independantly wealthy, you will need to make a living. You can say that you don’t want to be rich, but you will have to make money at it and it will drag you down if you don’t. You can’t work for free (unless you really can for some reason), and the cases that you don’t make a lot of money on will drown you. I don’t know your situation, of course, but keep in mind the costs associated with law school (tuition, but also the loss of earnings power during) will almost certainly leave you needing a lot more than you do now.

        Second, regarding helping people – you will probably not feel like you are most of the time. The courts encourage compromise, not heroics. You will want desparately to go in, guns blazing, and save the day, but you will not be able to do that. It’s just not possible, and you’ll often feel like the ligitation process is making things worse rather than better. And right now, I’m in the somewhat rare circumstance where my client is pretty squeaky clean, but you won’t always be in that case – most people who get involved with jerks have a few stains of their own, too, so you’ll start to feel a little less sympathetic after a while.

        If you’ve got a decent job now, I would highly recommend that you keep it.

      • KLG

        Family law can be very rewarding and very draining. Rewarding because you do often help people. Draining because often people need help and can’t pay you and at many firms, your lack of collections will hurt you and if you’re a solo, it may compromise your ability to pay the bills at all. And sometimes you truly cannot continue to represent people unless they pay you some more and then you have to withdraw and that is heartbreaking. Then it’s also draining because often your client and the other parent are both terrible people/parents and you will be fighting for custody while secretly hoping that somehow neither of them win. Or your client will ignore your advice-repeatedly-and then hurt the case you have worked so hard to make on their behalf.

        Honestly, being a lawyer and being a family law attorney can both be excellent but you HAVE to be okay with both not having control of things and also cutting people off when they can’t pay. Always remember, if they can’t come up with the money up front, there is very little chance they will actually be able to come up with it later.

      • Lyssa

        To echo KLG, a lot of people will ignore your advice or continue making bad decisions that got them there, despite all reason, which is incredibly frustrating. I had a case a while back where I fought tooth and nail and got the mom a great custody agreement to get the kids mostly away from their horrible dad, who was a freaking KKK member (I still have his hood in my file, hand to God), and guess who she moved back in with a week later?

      • Divaliscious11

        Ugh…family law clinic was the worst experience of my legal life, and I didn’t have to fight clients to pay…..

      • MOR

        I practice family law for a legal aid organization (free civil legal assistance) and love it, for the most part. Most of my clients are survivors of domestic violence. It can be very frustrating work, and sometimes I feel like part therapist/part lawyer. I don’t have to worry about financial boundaries with my clients, but I have become adept at setting emotional boundaries. I definitely agree that family law can be extremely draining, and last Friday was one of those days that I wanted to unplug my phone and burn my office to the ground, but I believe in what I do, and I felt better on Monday.

        Legal aid may be a good fit for you, KC. The pay isn’t great, but my benefits are, and my job satisfaction is extremely high. I live in a very poor area with a low cost of living. My modest salary is far more than the median household income in my county, LRAP pays most of my student loan payment, I’m pretty frugal, and I’m able to save enough to be financially comfortable.

      • BKClerk

        Consider consumer bankruptcy. There’s a healthy dose of family law, it is actually possible to help consumers, and (at least in a lot of cities) the bankruptcy bar is a tight knit community with great attorneys.

        • BKClerk

          Also, the attorney is paid first once the plan is confirmed, so getting paid isn’t so hard as long as you can get your cases confirmed and keep your clients in them for a few months.

      • Migraine Sufferer

        Family doesn’t have to be only dissolutions. I practice family and refer most of the divorces out.

    • TCFKAG

      Is opposing parent causing actual physical harm to children? Because, if so, you could probably get into a district court or get an emergency TRO (essentially a restraining order) at least temporarily. I’ve seen it done a couple times, its never pretty and there has to be actual serious threats of violence or actual violence.

      • Lyssa

        No, no violence, he’s just a capital freakin’ d*ck who will do anything to get in between my client/other family and the kids and I’m sure is inflicting massive psychological harm. But nothing that would justify a TRO, unfortunately. (Well, I guess that part is fortunate, but still.)

        • AEK

          I’ve been thru family law proceedings as a participant and it was awful. But, given what I learned in the process, you can at least be assured that there’s a huge chance your client is exaggerating, lying to you, or at least, presenting a very selective picture of the situation. (Even if, or perhaps because, the guy’s really a d*ck).

  17. Mary Ann Singleton

    I’m very excited to have been invited to a wedding in Kuala Lumpur this coming winter, and I’m seriously considering going. Has any of you guys been, and what’s it like? What’s around KL? Is there somewhere within easy travel distance if I extend the trip by a week or so (I’m thinking beaches or somewhere scenic – open to most anything but I don’t want to spend too much time in a big city). Recommendations much appreciated.

    Happy 4th!

    • Pink on Black

      Hmm..KL is cheap, has great food (that’d be my highlight!) and good partying (it’s not that conservative Muslim). I’d warn you to take the same precautions as you do in most big cities. There are a few good beaches that you can easily fly to from the KL airport. There’s Koh Samui / Phuket in Thailand or within Malaysia Langkawi / Perhentian / Penang. If you are more interested in culture I’d suggest Melaka (also spelled Malacca) and Penang that were previously under the Dutch / Portuguese. What are you interested in doing? I’m from the region and worked in KL for a year.

      • Mary Ann Singleton

        Looks like there are nonstop 3-hour flights to Bali and nonstop around-an-hour flights to Langkawi or Phuket, so I’ll definitely look into those. I only just started thinking of making this trip happen so I haven’t really thought through what I want to do, but I’m pretty sure I’ll want to find a beach somewhere and take it easy a few days. Thanks for the recommendations!

    • anon

      You should definitely go if possible! I went to KL a few years ago in the summer with a friend to visit another friend as part of a larger trip to Southeast Asia. I have rarely been so hot in my whole life. Personally, I thought the city was a little boring (after having spent time in Thailand, Indonesia, Singapore, Cambodia, Vietnam, and Laos). My friend worked for a big MNC at the time and all of his local coworkers told me that the best thing to do would be to go to see the various malls. My friend and I hung out at the mall some, got a bunch of massages, saw some of the famous parks and went to the Petronas Towers. By that point we were fairly templed out, but there are supposed to be some nice ones there. We didn’t leave the city and KL is pretty much like any other big city I have been to and not as impressive. IIRC, alcohol is quite expensive. All that aside, I had a really really good time in KL, even though I’m not sure I’d go back without any reason.

      The airport (KLA) is a huge airport with a ton of connecting flights. I flew in to KL from Phnom Penh and the flight was under 2 hours. (I think Bali is about 3 hours each way, but if you have the time and money it is amazing. Bangkok is probably about 2 as well.) Like I said, I didn’t leave KL, but I know there is a lot to do in Borneo if you want to stay in Malaysia.

    • Nan

      I love the Islamic Arts Museum in KL. Taking the slow train from KL to Singapore during the day is supposed to be beautiful, but I’ve never done it. I think Penang is overrated–you can get the same delicious food in KL. If you like adventure, I’d hop to a beach in Indonesia (that isn’t Bali). If you like ease, Bali or Thailand. Seeing orangutans in Bukit Lawang (Sumatra) is amazing and would probably be my number one pick if I were in your shoes. Have fun!!!

    • ss

      Go for it. Hospitality is a big deal for Malaysians, so you’ll be well looked after for the wedding etc. Kuala Lumpur itself isn’t really an exciting tourist destination but it is the hub for a big regional budget airline and has lots of connections (google up Air Asia for connections and easy reliable on-line booking).

      For year-end, some of the coastline facing the South China Sea is off limits because of monsoon but I’d suggest looking at Krabi, Phuket, Langkawi for the most choices in terms of resorts (1 – 2 hours away), Kota Kinabalu in the Borneo part of Malaysia for more adventure-oriented activities (diving, mountains, wildlife sanctuary, 2 hours away), Jogjakarta for the stunning Borobodor complex and other good cultural sights (2 hours). Wish I could be more enthusiastic about the recently-designated Unesco heritage sites in Melaka and Penang but both have been pretty heavily worked-over for tourists (although Penang’s less tacky than Melaka).

      Bali is good if you can set aside 4 – 5 days for it since travel will take a half-day (3 hour flight, then 30 – 60 mins to the beach or 60 mins to Ubud in a car, since few tourists stay near the airport at Denpasar). Nice resorts, clubs, some great surf beaches and the island has very interesting culture of its own.

    • Traveler

      Definitely check out the Cameron Highlands – it is a few hours outside of KL and absolutely beautiful! It’s an old hill station filled with tea plantations.

  18. EC MD

    Okay question for you ladies:

    what [this site] rules do you break on a regular basis? I ask this because I wore my Birkenstock Gizeh sandals to work today. I’m not even talking peep toes. I’m talking birkenstock. flip. flops. I’m sorry. Please don’t cast me out. I swear, it’s a know your office kind of scenario. Trust me. I’m curious about other rebels and what they do…

    • NOLA

      I don’t wear flip-flop style sandals because I did that one day a few years ago and tripped over an electrical box and broke my toe the week before school started. That meant I couldn’t wear most of my shoes for months. Not worth it. But I regularly wear very high heels and/or peeptoes. Totally acceptable where I work. I mean, where I am, I want the students to remember who I am so it’s almost better to be distinctive.

      I also would never wear a suit unless I were interviewing for a job and maybe not even then. The last time I interviewed, I wore a tweed jacket and black pencil skirt. Like you say, know your office.

      But you’re pregnant! Give yourself a break.

    • anon prof

      Wet hair for the first hour of work (or until it dries). Stopped blowdrying after having a kid and deciding that sleep was more important. I figure I still look more polished than 99% of my students.

      • KLG

        I’m totally bad on the wet hair. My entire office could tell you whether I’ve washed my hair that day or not based on whether it’s wet when I get to work. I don’t even have kids to blame. I just don’t care about my job enough to get up early enough to blow dry/straighten it.

      • Ashley

        Also come to work with wet hair. Granted, it’s curly, so it’s a little less obvious, but yep, I let it air dry for the first 30 mins at work!

      • Jenna Rink

        I almost always have wet hair in the morning at work. I think I don’t know how to blowdry my hair, because I swear it looks a ton nicer when I let it air dry than when I blowdry it.

    • Lyssa

      Barefoot. Yeah, that’s right.

      OK, I usually don’t actually leave my office that way unless I’m really the only one there, but sometimes I kick my shoes off and don’t bother to put them back on when I go across the office to grab something, with my door open. And one time I decided to pop into the clerk’s (law student/partner’s daughter) office next to mine without bothering to shoe back up, and then she got the idea that we needed to talk to her dad about something, and I wound up going over to his office without making it back to my office first, which was probably bad, bad, bad (I did only stick my head in and stand awkwardly with my lower body to the side of the doorway, so I don’t think that he could tell!)

      • JJ

        I’m sitting at my desk barefoot right now and debating whether I can go to the printer or whether I have to put my shoes back on.

      • SF Bay Associate

        Yep, I’m also a barefoot girl. I will put my shoes on to walk to the printer if it’s before 6pm. After that, bare feet.

      • cbackson

        I am so often barefoot in my office (NOT in the hall or anything like that, just my office) that people (gently) make fun of me about it.

      • Lyssa

        I saw an article a while back that said that Justice Ginsburg was speaking on some sort of panel, and reporters said that she “looked frail” because she appeared to have a hard time getting up at the end. When Ginsburg heard this, though, she said that she wasn’t having a hard time getting up, she had just kicked her shoes off under the table and one of them had gotten away from her.

        We’re like sisters, RBG and me.

    • Godzilla

      Sneakers in the office, even though I have dress shoes at my desk. Sometimes, I just can’t care enough.

    • Constance Justice

      Oh so so many!

      I wear jeans, maxi skirts any time of the week. I come and go to and from the office as I please (face time is a non-issue). I’m currently wearing sparkly nail polish. I may have arrived at work with wet hair. I’m sure there are so many more that I’m not even thinking about. I promise, I really am a lawyer though! :)

    • JJ

      Peep toes and stiletto sling-back sandals. Ruffles on shirts. I like to bake and have sometimes even brought my baked goods to work for the male partner that I work a lot with

      I will only wear pantyhose on job interviews and in four years of practicing, have only worn them to court once.

        • a.

          Um, you’re supposed to wear camis under them? So I guess I am Wrong about that, too. Also sometimes I go out in public without realizing that I’m wearing a black bra under a white or other light-colored shirt.

          I also wear leggings in public (albeit not to work). I once had someone comment on here to tell me that I was, basically, a woman of low moral character, who should not go out in public, because of this.

          On a bigger-picture note, I am just not a very ambitious person. I aspire to have enough money to live on, earned a job that I find fulfilling, and that allows me enough time to spend with the people and hobbies I care about. I don’t give a fig if I can never afford a Cartier watch or $1,000 bag or have a “prestigious” job. I feel like being ambitious is as much of a rule ’round these parts as not wearing peep toes.

      • JJ

        Oh, and I love dramatic nail polish on my toes (don’t polish my fingernails, too much of a klutz). Was wearing Chanel’s Black Pearl polish once and an (older) male partner jokingly told me that it reminded him of the time he dropped something on his foot and his toenail died and fell off. I haven’t worn that color again…

      • Bonnie

        I had an important court hearing today and wore a dress and jacket instead of a suit, peep toe heels and no hose. Definitely a rebel. :-)

    • TCFKAG

      My nails are chipped, frequently. I don’t wear make-up (which isn’t really a rule of the site as we were a site divided). Sometimes I forget to change out of my commuter flats until its time to go to lunch…and then I was going to put them back on again anyway.

      I talk about people’s kids with them, even if it reminds them I have ovaries. I don’t bake, but would if I could. I wear headphones when I really need to concentrate.

      That’s all I can think of right now, but I’m sure there’s lots more. I’m kind of a mess really.

      • a.

        Not the chipped nails! Your chipped soul will be exposed!

        Also I just got drinks with a friend and she was rocking the single blue fingernail. I am 99.9999% certain she doesn’t read [this website] but I really wanted to ask.

    • Kontraktor

      Wearing bright colors, embellished pieces (bows, ruffles, polka dots, lace, beads), lots of different kinds of shoes. Having visible piercings (albiet ones most people don’t seem to notice). Sometimes wearing separates to interviews. Being feminine and not caring.

    • JT

      I frequently don’t change out of my converse all-stars unless I have a client coming in. And (this may be more of a NGDGTCO thing) I feed the people in my office. I bake to de-stress, and if I didn’t foist my goods on the people here I’d be eating them all myself. I don’t think the partners respect me less simply because I brought in a blueberry pie this morning.

      • Kontraktor

        This must be a ‘know your office’ thing, but at my old place, everybody always brought stuff in. It was like a weird day if there wasn’t something in the break room. People also always brought back treats from vacations and that was nice.

    • Shaw

      Almost all of them! Blue, gray nails, never wear pantyhose with a skirt to court or to an interview, super high heels, peep toes (office and court), don’t always wear a suit to court, jeans in a no jeans office, yoga pants in the office on weekends, large non-work appropriate jewelry, ruffles, sandals with and without heels, skirts that are occasionally too short…I could go on. Pretty much every single rule that’s ever been on here. :)

      • Shaw

        Oh, wait, I don’t break the ones involving cooking/baking. Because I avoid both at all costs.

    • eastbaybanker

      Skirts that are too short, neon magenta nail polish paired with peep toe sandals, not dressing for my office (because everyone here is frumptastic).

      Oh, and wearing tighty-whities and roller skates if I have to work Saturday.

    • Maine Associate

      I keep a pair of slippers under my desk to wear after being in Court. I don’t care that they look ridiculous with my suit.

    • mamabear

      I wear peep toes fairly regularly, and I often have a bit of unintentional cleavage. (With DDs it sometimes can’t be avoided)

      Grab the smelling salts!

      • mamabear

        Oh yeah, and it’s a *good* day if I can make it until after lunch before I put my hair up in a claw clip.

      • gov anon

        I hear you mamabear. I’ve given up on that one, because otherwise, I’d have to wear turtlenecks every day.

    • Herbie

      I love this thread. I wear open toed stiletto sandals to work. And not just any namby pamby kitten heel business. A real woman’s stilettos. Yep. Let the judgment rain down on me.

      I pretty much constantly have a hair tie around my wrist.

      Although my toes are always polished, my nails never are, and my cuticles suck.

      I have things with ruffles.

      • Herbie

        Corporette Burn Book… Dawn Schliesser – made out with a hot dog?! That was only one time!

    • Bluejay

      I wear sundresses to work all the flippin time. And I walk around my office (my personal workspace, not the entire company) barefoot and don’t bother to put shoes on if I have a visitor. And I often put on flipflops to walk to Starbucks and forget to change out of them before a meeting with higher-ups.

    • anon for this

      I’ve cried at the office too many times than I care to remember.

      *hangs head in shame*

    • OC

      Stilettos almost everyday. Including to court. And including Louboutins. But the only other women in my office wear flipflops, so I feel like I’m committing lesser shoe infractions.

      And I refuse to wear pantyhose, but I think that’s ok in southern California.

    • scientist

      Breakfast for the group for birthdays (I bring in bagels and fruit). Pants and flats nearly always. Ponytail half the time. Blue toenails. I’ve cried in front of the GM and my boss (and not on the same day). I have more than one plant on my desk, and it would take at least an hour for me to pack up were I to be fired. I curse a fair bit when venting. No picture of SO (though I have images of his work).

    • gov anon

      Today I’m wearing a floral sundress and sandals. I also routinely wear lots of color and some prints, and ruffles, and bright nail polish on my toes. Which everyone can see because of my sandals/open-toed shoes.

  19. DC Law

    I came home from vacation to find a bunch of little caterpillar-type bugs in my house. They are small and brown and move like inch-worms do (so not house centipedes, thank goodness!), and when I nudge them they curl into a spiral. Any idea what they are and how I can get rid of them?? Thanks!

    • Anon in ATX

      We call these rolly-pollies! We have also been invaded by them & I have no clue how to get rid of them. On the up-side, the cats get lots of enjoyment out of them.

    • TK1

      They might be something called “pantry pests,” if they turn into little brown moths that is what they are. They sell cardboard sticky traps for the moths at Lowes, not sure what to do when they are bugs though.

    • Jo March

      We also call them roly-polies, or potato bugs. They are creepy but they seem a lot more scared of me than I am of them. I have no idea how to get rid of them; they usually come out in the spring here and then mostly disappear once summer comes.

      I do know my cat likes to ask them little meep-y questions when she finds them.

        • Jo March (the first?)

          It ia *super* cute. Though, the first one she found was dead, and she really wanted it to answer her questions and just couldn’t understand why it wouldn’t! Adorable and also a little sad, lol.

    • LR

      I get them in NYS too…only in our mudroom usually, though. They get in through the foundation somewhere. We put new molding up and have far fewer of them than usual, so I’d make sure cracks are sealed. Hardware stores sell Great Stuff, an expanding spray foam you can use to seal cracks, but it’s a bit messy so you would only want to use it places you wouldn’t see it.

  21. Anne Bronte

    I am Southern and think I may seem friendlier than I actually am to people in my non-law office. I have a hard time NOT smiling and arranging my face in a pleasant way when someone comes in, even if said person has knocked on my closed door half a dozen times to give me “updates” about things I already know.

    I am closing a HUGE project and I need people just to tell me things and get out, instead of repeating themselves three or four times, which I feel half the people in this office do so it will sound as if they’re imparting a lot of information.

    I know I play a role in this with the knee-jerk Southern-lady thing, but it is REALLY hard to break. Has anyone else had this problem? How do I get people to get the fark out of here?

    • Godzilla

      You and me, gurl, I think we have the same problem. Learn not to smile at work. And not look up when people knock. Make them feel like they’re actually disturbing you.

      As surprising as it may be to some of you to learn that Godzilla has serious b*tchface, I try to mask it with a smile. And then other things happen. Fooey.

    • karenpadi

      A few tricks I learned early on:
      1. Make them wait 3-10 seconds in your office door. Acknowledge them by nodding or using a hand gesture but finish typing your sentence/reading the paragraph/whatever you are doing before looking at them.

      2. Flash a smile in greeting but return to an all-business facial expression.

      3. End the conversation with “Thank you” and dive right back into what you were doing. If they continue, “Got it. Is there anything else?”

    • Anon

      Smiling is an invitation to extend the conversation and people may feel like they have to add more and more if you are smiling and being responsive. If someone knocks and comes in I would continue typing, looking at your screen or using your mouse – this is a good signal that are busy and they are interrupting. People will tend to respond to this signal by relaying the info necessary to you quickly then leaving. If something is starting to get complicated you can ask them to put it in an email and you will respond to it later.

      • Anne Bronte

        Brilliant advice, as usual. Thank you all! It’s so weird how hard it is not to smile and act pleased to see people, even when I want to get out the cattle prod. Acculturation runs deep!

  22. Happy Day

    I’ve got some exciting news I feel compelled to share. I got a job offer! It all feels so surreal. It’s a dream-come-true position for me, and it’s all working out!

    I want to extend a thank you to this community. I posted a desperate plea for advice sometime in the last year asking how to make the best of my crappy job situation. I was at the end of my rope, but I was going through a “is this as good as it gets” phase. I was beginning to believe I would have to endure my miserable job indefinitely. You all gave me some great advice. You told me to:

    1.) Decide to get a new job – This was big for me because at the time I had been rejected after several interviews, and I was beginning to doubt whether I would ever find another job in my field of expertise. I kept wavering about whether or not I should just give up or keep trying.
    2.) Go for a job you think you will like – This was also key. I was feeling so desperate, and I was applying to positions all over the board. I feel so lucky to have ended up with one that truly is as close to ideal as it could possibly be.

    To anyone out there who feels like they are stuck, stuck, stuck, I hope this gives you a bit of hope. You are not doomed! It may not feel like it now, but sometimes things really do work out for the best.

    P.S. I also followed advice I found on here to negotiate for a higher salary, and it worked! I’m so glad I didn’t just accept their initial offer.

    • Godzilla

      Whoops, I got a teensy bit carried away whilst joyriding in the company car. Shoulda realized the media would find me.

    • Herbie

      The ladies on this website are such overachievers. Destroying Tokyo, shooting cameos on the local weather report… what CAN’T we do when we put our minds to it??

    • a.

      Oops, guess I’d better pack up the pup and get out of Dodge, since a volcano appears to be erupting on top of my house…

  25. Samantha

    [Repost from morning thread – would love to hear salon recs for south SF bay area also.]
    I am considering straightening my hair and have read the previous comments on this site about Japanese v. Keratin treatment.
    It seems like Keratin treatment is more for “repair” and conditioning rather than for straightening, is that right? I’ve done a Japanese straightening many years ago and loved that it was hassle free – a wash and go type of style that looked perfect right out of bed. My hair has a lot of volume (usually requires texturizing, or thinning out during haircuts) so I’m not concerned about loss of volume. I thought Keratin may be a gentler, less harmful way of getting the same result but from what I’ve seen it seems to need a lot more maintenance and even flat ironing. Any insight?
    For more background – I am coming to the end of breastfeeding my year old baby. I held off on hair treatments throughout pregnancy and bf’ing because I didn’t want to risk the chemicals transmitting (yes I know, so many people do it, the risk isn’t really that much and so on – but first baby, and maybe I’m a bit paranoid!). But I also have very little time and patience for hair styling and really need a ready to wear hairstyle. Hence my dilemma between mild (keratin) and effective (Japanese).

    • karenpadi

      I have a great salon in downtown San Jose. I’ve been going to see Glory at Headcase Salon for over a year and she is the first stylist I trust to color my hair. She’s only there on Tues and Wed now but the stylists there all seem really good. The prices are pretty reasonable too.

    • momentsofabsurdity

      If you are comfortable wearing your hair curly, the keratin treatment is fine. However – it did not straighten my hair, at all, even a little. It did cut down on frizz by like 20% so that was nice, but since my natural curl isn’t that pretty, it was a waste for me. For someone that *does* want the option to wear their hair either curly (with some product) or straight (after flat ironing), keratin treatments could work, but since I always wear my hair straight, they weren’t worth it to me.

    • ChristinaMD

      I had my hair Keratin straightened on 6/20. My normal hair at this time of the year, is decently curly with product – otherwise I look like Monica from Friends in the epi she’s down in the carribean.

      It’s my understanding the the Japanese straightening is STICK straight and while your hair is on your head, will forever be that straight – therefore, the growth can be noticable. Keratin is supposed to limit the curliness/frizziness but it will vary by person/hair – the Brazialian Blowout website will show before/after pics.

      My personal experience is that this is FREAKING AMAZING. Yes, if I’m going into the office or out for the night – I run a flatiron over it to smooth it, but otherwise, I can air dry and go for the most part for the first time in my life. And I’m spending > 5 min w/flat iron, versus an hour after blowdrying it. To speak to how awesome it’s been – I’m just outside of DC, you might have heard about the storm and mass power outage – I’d normally have been a hair mess in the no power/humidity/heat, while it was pulled back – was AWESOME, shower and toss it into a bun, no flyaways, no weird frizzy things coming off my head. I can exercise without worrying that I leave the gym looking like poop. It’s really, for me, worth every penny I paid and I’m kicking myself for not doing it sooner.

  26. cbackson

    My BFF is getting married, and I want to get her a gift certificate to a good lingerie boutique in NYC. She’s large of b**b, so would need to be a place that carries a range of sizes. Any suggestions? I’m shooting for a place where she can buy stuff that will be honeymoon-worthy and where the buying experience will feel special (so not a department store, even a nice one).

    • LeChouette

      I recommend either LePetit Coquette (if she is truly bust heavy they will have lots for her) on University Pl. or Catriona Mackechnie in the meatpacking (that might not be spelled right). Her stuff is gorg and I am sure a negligee would fit her but if she’s more of a bra buyer maybe not.

  27. Misty

    I have a couple of questions to throw out there:

    1. Need a new laptop bag. I’m attending MBA school part time at night and have to lug my laptop and books with me. I’ve been resisting a rolling bag but my back is killing me and all the rolling one’s I’ve seen are unwieldy. Any suggestions?

    2. I’ve been trying to lose weight but it’s slow going and I need new clothes. I’m looking for plus size fashion sources, I’m in my 30’s mostly business casual, and while chesty on top, definitely have a waist which makes me an odd fit.

    3. New wallet time. What’s your current favorite wallet?

    • Flamingo

      For plus size business clothes I’d look at Nordie’s Encore section (website has free shipping and Anniversary sale is coming up) and Macy’s (selection varies a lot by store, so visit one in an upscale mall). Sometimes JCP will have some work items, but it also really depends on the location. Talbots has nice suits.

      Someone earlier suggested ASOS Curve for casual items, but I haven’t tried them yet. May be worth a look.

      • zora

        That was me with Asos Curve, altho my caveat is I’m not in the larger sizes, I’m a 10/12 pear. But, I follow Girl with Curves’ blog (google it) and she often wears pieces from Asos Curve, Forever 21, Old Navy’s plus sizes, etc, and looks so classic and chic. But I think, much like the smaller sizes in those same brands, you have to do a lot of digging through a lot of cr*p to find the good stuff, but you can find good, nice looking basics to fill out your wardrobe.

        Sorry I don’t have recs for the other things. I work in a super cazh nonprofit, so i have a cross-body computer bag that is falling apart, and i carry a little teeny wallet so it can fit in my pocket when i want to run to the store. ;o)

    • mamabear

      There’s a Jack Georges Milano collection wheeled briefcase/laptop case that looks really attractive. I haven’t personally used this model, but I have two Jack Georges laptop bags (and just ordered a third) so I can vouch for the quality. Check it out on ebags.

      I feel your pain on the defined waist but plus sized issue. I have the best luck with Macy’s. I just got a ton of stuff there – some plus some not – and to my great happiness, the plus and misses styles were the SAME. You know how it usually is, cute styles for the misses and caftans for the plus. Everything summery is on super markdown right now because the fall stuff comes in next week. I left there with a dress, a skirt, a jacket and two tops for under $200. (I am not lying.)

      On the wallet, the Kate Spade wallets that zip all the way around are my favorites. And they have a ‘sale on sale’ right now – another 25% off markdowns. The zip-arounds are great because non of my cards, coins, receipts, etc. fall out when my wallet is banging around in my handbag or tote.

      I’ll post some links following.

    • Jc

      Seconded the wallet recommendation. I have the same wallet from about 2 or 3 years ago. It’s held up really well and is bright cherry red, which I love.

    • Anonymous

      I have a crush of the LV Epi Zippy wallet.
      Spending $800 on it just seems so wrong in the bad way.

      • AN

        I own the epi zippy. It has been 5 years now and looks good as new. Despite my overstuffing habit. And it is the only wallet I’ve found that has enough card holders for all credit cards, etc. Get it. It is truly an investment. I expect mine to last another 5 years if not longer.

    • CKB

      I recently bought a Fossil triple fold wallet. I don’t know the model name. It has an additional removable card holder. I love it. I’ve been searching for the perfect wallet for me for YEARS and this one finally fits the bill. I got a plain camel colored one, but it’s not too big, not too small, not too fat, yet holds tons of cards (which I have way too many of. I use the removable holder seperately to hold my bus pass (in the clear window) and other less used cards.

    • new york associate

      I wholeheartedly second the recommendation for Nordie’s plus-sizes. For brands, I really like Sejour, Calvin Klein, and Suzi Chin dresses. I also had a good experience with a Vince Camuto dress if you can find that brand. Talbots is terrific, but my standard advice is to order in a million sizes and cuts, and then try everything on; they have a ton of fits and it’s worth the hassle of ordering and returning to find one that works for you. The other thing I love about Talbots is that everything comes in a bunch of colors, so if you find something good, you can order many. Calvin Klein makes good plus-size suiting separates, sold at Macy’s. Lord and Taylor has a pretty good plus-size section. ASOS has cute stuff, but be careful with the sizing — I ordered a dress there in my size and was swimming in it.

      For more casual clothes, I’ve been really happy with Lands End separates this summer. Not expensive and higher quality than, say, Old Navy.

  28. Heatwave Date Outfit

    It is currently 100 degrees here. I’m stymied by what to wear that won’t look hideously over dressed but still keep me from freezing in the theatre. Also, not look completely sloppy or too casual. Any ideas beyond capris, tank, and thin cardigan for inside? I feel like that may even be too much for the heat at this point though.

    • momentsofabsurdity

      IMO, a fitted maxi (+ a cardigan in your bag) is perfect for this kind of thing.

    • Anonymous

      Loved this and send it to a few friends. Not the friends who send me email FWDs of puppies and boring jokes in colored fonts, friends who would enjoy it.

  30. Crosssfit

    The Shirt is 25% off – anyone have any thoughts if it is worth it? I am tempted to buy one of the fancy the Shirt’s in silk but they are really expensive even with the 25% off.

  31. anon

    CWFH – update

    Thank you to all that responded to my previous thread about my coworker. Shortly after I posted I found out that said coworker has been openly bashing me in front of my manager and other coworkers when I am not in the room. Previously his comments were in a one on one conversation with a third party who was sharing this information with me. All of the things he is saying are 100% unfounded. He is also getting quite cheeky now as he referred to me as a “prima donna”, which to me is just veiled attempt at calling me a b*#ch.

    I have kept emails and a journal of all the disparaging things he has said about me and the difficultly he has given me in completing his assignments. I also finally revealed to my husband that this person has also made comments about my body to me and another coworker. This is all in my journal too although it happened 6 months to 1 year ago (the comments about my body). DH is understandably upset and thinks I should report his behavior.

    I honestly don’t want to make a huge deal out of this or get this person fired – I just want him to stop. I am also worried about the impact on my career if I go to HR. I have thought about confronting him directly (for the 2nd time) and telling him that I have this journal.

    I mentioned before that this person is transitioning to another group but I am worried if he continues to be so vociferous in attacking me, maybe my boss will eventually wonder what I am doing to provoke him. I also hate the fact this person will continue on to a new group with no one knowing about his bad behavior, and the fact he will potentially harass other women, meanwhile he has been trashing my reputation.

    SO this is my dilemma: go to HR and risk repercussions, ask for third party’s blessing in revealing my source and confront harassing co worker directly, or bring it up to manager, again?

    • JessC

      Go to HR. Now. Confronting him hasn’t worked. Going to a manager didn’t work/didn’t do enough.
      This guy is a grade-A bully and apparently a sexual harasser to boot. He’s creating a hostile work environment. This is the kind of thing that HR depts were created to handle. Even if you’re not going to be working directly with him in the future, I’d say there’s a very distinct chance he’ll continue this behavior against a new victim.
      Before you go to HR, I would go to your “source” and tell them that you’re planning to go to HR and want to know whether he/she is ok with you letting HR know that he/she has been a witness to this behavior.
      I’m not sure what repercussions you’re concerned about career-wise from reporting him, but I’d be more concerned about the repercussions about not responding/denying his attacks.

      • Herbie

        I actually wouldn’t go to the “source” beforehand. One, I’d be worried that Source will talk OP out of going to HR because Source will be worried about saving Source’s face. I’d go to HR and then follow up with Source to say, “I have some news that might upset you. I went and talked to HR about Nasty Coworker’s behavior because it’s out of control, and I can’t take it anymore. They are going to need to talk to you. I know this is a very difficult situation, but I appreciate your help in getting this behavior stopped.”

    • Eleanor

      This sounds like it has escalated beyond the point where bringing it up with the DOOSH again would do any good. I understand about not wanting to bring retribution on yourself or to seem as though you can’t handle problems, but I really think you should talk to your manager or HR. Maybe start with your manager, in no uncertain terms: “Manager, I’ve learned that DOOSH has been making wildly inappropriate and completely untrue comments about me to others when I am not in the room, and has been calling me names. Of course, this is unacceptable, and I think I should report him to HR. Do you have any advice about this?”

      I realize I’ve probably worded this in an overly formal way, but if the guy has made these comments in your manager’s hearing and s/he hasn’t put a stop to it already, that is concerning. Private griping about a co-worker, while dumb, is one thing, but public bashing is unacceptable, and could indeed undermine you. Also, you shouldn’t have to tolerate a workplace like that.

      Good luck, and keep us posted!

    • fomer partner, now in house

      i have worked in a private law firm (about 100 lawyers) and am now in house at a public university. at my law firm, there was no HR, so you would have had to decide which partner to tell (if you told the office manager, she was an elevated admin and would simply have passed the info on to the managing partner). you would have been asked why you had been keeping the journal and people may or may not believe or credit the truthful answer (what he was doing seemed wrong and i wanted a record). the partners’ reactions would have been based on which of you was more economically valuable to the firm. if it were he, your best option would have been to “report” it as a side issue to asking the most poweful partners to help you find a new job.

      at my university, the central administration takes this very seriously. you could report it either to your supervisor, to HR or to our central “diversity/harassment/title ix” office or to our whistleblower office. our HR happens to be inept, so i would recommend the diversity/harassment office, which is where the whistleblower program would send it in any event. i really like eleanor’s idea of “asking your supervisor for advice” as a way of warning him or her that you are going forward and that you do, in fact, have evidence.

      do not under any circumstances confront the offender. it will not do anything except give him a heads up and time to plot his revenge.

      your story needs to be simple, clear and consistent. people (HR, supervisors etc) will talk among themselves about the story you have told each of them, so it has to be simple enough not to get garbled and consistent enough for them to believe it. “this is happening, it is affecting my ability to do my work, it is wrong, i want it to stop, i don’t want revenge” should work.

      also, once you mention that you have even so much as thought about speaking to an attorney, everyone will move from helping you mode to protecting the company from you mode. my advice is that even if you are speaking to an attorney, you NOT mention that to anyone.

      • eek

        Yeah, you really have to talk to manager again to let him know that you’re thinking about going to HR (maybe it will prompt him to action, who knows). The comments about your body and abilities are inexcusable.

        Also, you said you don’t want to make a big deal out of this or get this person fired. He’s a jerk. Normal people don’t act like that and he’s doing it because he can get away with it. Put yourself first, please. And, it’s ok to share stuff like this with your husband. He cares about you and if someone was creating problems for my SO at work, I’d want to know all about it.

    • Herbie

      Go to HR. That is what they are there for, and if they are competent, diligent professionals, they would -want- you to come to them.

      I would suggest organizing a bit first. Make a timeline based on your journal that you can give to HR. Something like:
      6/1/11 Nasty Coworker commented on [inappropriate remark].
      8/9/11 Nasty Coworker did X. Other coworker was a witness.

      This is a very effective and compelling way of demonstrating the pattern and breadth of harassment and inappropriate behavior. It will be more compelling than what HR will get from interviewing you. That you have been carefully documenting the behavior will also impress on HR the seriousness of the situation (it’s unusual, and people worry that it’s preparation for a lawsuit, which everyone wants to avoid).

      Also, please do take into consideration that if he’s treated you this way (a) you weren’t his first victim and (b) you won’t be the last. Reporting him might change that second part. Would you want him treating your mother/sister/daughter/BFF this way?

      Good luck and keep us posted.

  32. OC

    Hoping I’m not too late in the open thread to get sosme advice. I’ve been looking for a new job for awhile and always feel awkward about what to tell my current employer on the days that I’m out (I’m looking in a different city, so when I have an interview, I miss a full day of work). I hate lying (I’ve been sick, my kid has been sick, I’ve had broken appliances, a broken car, etc.), but I don’t know any other way. I have two interviews in a week and a half (which is a great problem to have), so I’d like to just schedule time off in advance, but because my group is really busy and I’m in biglaw, I think doing so would be “career limiting.” I feel really stupid for not better knowing how to handle this. What do you ladies do?

    • Divaliscious11

      What about a simple I have an appointment and I ‘m not sure of the duration. Do you HAVE to give further detail? Men never do….

      • Jamie R.

        This. So long as your work is not getting behind, you should be able to do as you please. just say you have an appointment, length uncertain.

    • fomer partner, now in house

      if you are a lawyer in a private firm, they will know that you are interviewing if your billable hours fall below your normal monthly setpoint.

      • ahm

        Why exactly? Just curious because it seems like a lot of things affect my monthly totals besides just quantity of available work – sickness, work-related (nonbillable) travel, vacation, even how many days there are in the month.

        • fomer partner, now in house

          When people are leaving, their billables drop. Noticeably. That is why the partners are never surprised, because they’ve been watching the hours.

    • Woods-comma-Elle

      Re the ‘career limiting’ point. If you are interviewing for other jobs, it really does not matter if you take time off your current one. You will be leaving anyway and the places you are interviewing are not likely to ask or care (they know how these things work).

      GOOD LUCK with the interviews!!!

    • KLG

      No great advice but I just wanted to say I am totally with you. All my interviews are 2 hours away. My boss has staff actually clock in and out and while attorneys don’t clock in/out there is a sign out sheet for when you go to court, to meet with a client away from the office, etc. so he knows where you are at all times. And any request for leave (an hour, half day, whole day) must be submitted to him and signed off on by him. I have been sick, my husband has needed me to take him to a medical appointment in another city, I’ve been to a funeral, etc. I feel awful and I’m also running out of excuses and worrying he will catch on and fire me.

      I agree that you should probably be sick or have something come up last minute even though I know how hard that is on your psyche (nothing like freaking out the morning of an interview b/c you have to call your boss at 7 am to be like “I’m sick, can’t come in today”).

      But the biggest thing is DON’T FEEL GUILTY!!!! If your work is getting done, that is ALL that you owe them! And like WoodscommaElle said, you’re leaving anyways. (My husband reminds me of this all the time).

  33. Recent grad

    Anyone have any jcrew codes for today? I was hoping for more than free shipping!

  34. AN

    PSA….Lafayette 148 is 50% off at neiman. Sadly none in my size…but I know there are some fans of this brand on here.

  35. January

    All right, wise ladies. Please advise (I’ll consider re-posting tomorrow if everyone’s out doing more fun things today).

    On the subject of work husbands: I seem to have acquired one recently. He is a newlywed, while I am very single. He also happens to be the ex-boyfriend of one of my good friends. Anyway, through circumstance, we ended up becoming friends at work, and so, we eat lunch together regularly, e-mail about funny things that happened at work, etc. It’s all good.

    Except: I kind of get the vibe that if he were single, he’d be trying to date me. I’ll spare you the details of how I came to that conclusion, but overall, I get the impression that he goes out of his way for me just a little bit more than he should. Now, I don’t have a lot of *close* guy friends, so it could be that I’m just not used to this. And he does have several sisters, so maybe he is a guy who likes having girl friends. He does not strike me as the cheating type. But I also don’t want to cross any lines that shouldn’t be crossed. I am not interested in playing some sort of pretend-girlfriend role.

    Thoughts?

    • 30

      Well, Mr. 30 has tons of sisters and I can totally see him being they guy in this situation–innocently and cluelessly. Your friend might be the same.

    • CKB

      Well, I don’t have many close guy friends either. My closest guy friends are my brothers, and we’re pretty close. So guys that are my friends at work I try to treat like I’d treat my brothers, and expect them to treat me the way my brothers would treat me. Mostly. I have one co-worker that I suspect is just a flirt, but he’s more friendly than other co-workers. He works in another location, so while we talk on the phone & email regularly I rarely see him. But in my head I have boundaries that would set of major warning bells if they were crossed. For me the big one is touching beyond a handshake. I’m not a touchy-feely person at work (slightly more so at home, but still not super touchy feely). That would be a red flag for me.

      If I were you I’d set some limits in my head (don’t tell him) and if he crosses those boundaries perhaps pull back a little. I absolutely believe men & women can be platonic friends. My dh has more female friends than male friends because he just gets along with women better, and he’s an elementary school teacher so he works more with women then men. It doesn’t bother me at all. But I trust him to keep his relationship with other women within proper boundaries, and he does the same for me.

    • January

      Ah, okay. I am probably being paranoid or overthinking this (it wouldn’t be the first time). He definitely hasn’t crossed any physical contact barriers – it’s more like paying for lunch if we go out, or leaving me a token gift as a joke while I was on vacation. Part of the reason we became friends is because he doesn’t fit in with the “boys’ club” in the office (in part because as he puts it, unlike them, he actually likes being married). So it is probably all innocent.

      • Bluejay

        I think paying for lunch is a bit odd unless you reciprocate every time, or it’s your birthday you’re celebrating something. Token gifts seem normal; my work friends (male and female) have gotten gifts for me. I think you may be overthinking, but if you’re thinking he’s hitting on you other coworkers might think the same thing. So you should probably put the kibosh on his treating you to lunch and make sure that you don’t do anything that could make others gossip. Gossip can hurt your professional reputation, regardless of whether it’s true.

        • 30

          Agreed. Next time you grab lunch, insist on paying – I find that “but it’s my turn” works every time.

  37. Awful Lawful

    I’m looking for suggestions for a birthday present for a one year old. My friend is having a birthday party for her daughter in a few weeks, but I will be out of the country. I’m looking for something that I can have shipped to her since I live in another state. I have found tons of cute clothes, so that’s always a possibility, but I was hoping for something a bit original. I don’t have any children myself so I’m totally lost as to what makes for a good 1st birthday present. TIA!

    • NOLA

      I don’t have kids but have bought lot of kid presents. I recently bought the Melissa & Doug picnic basket for my friend’s daughter for her first birthday. It’s on Amazon. For another friend’s daughter, I bought something more symbolic as a keepsake – a Madame Alexander birthday doll, like Cupcake Wishes, with red hair (like her daughter’s). Obviously she couldn’t play with it, but at that age, she had a lot of age-appropriate toys and didn’t know the difference. It meant a lot to my friend (her mother).

    • emcsquared

      I like to give classic hardcover picture books to little kids – she’ll get so many presents for her first birthday that she won’t notice/remember that she got a “boring” present from you, but her parents will love reading her Good Night Moon, The Giving Tree, Beatrix Potter, Dr. Seuss, etc.

      • CKB

        I totally agree with board books. A favorite in our house at that age was ‘Hand Hand Fingers Thumb’. I think I will have that book memorized for the rest of my life! LOL! It’s also great that they’ve made board books out of many of the Dr Seuss classics.

    • new york associate

      You might give her music. My daughter got really into kid music around that time. Look for the They Might Be Giants kid CDs, Laurie Berkner Band, or classics that you liked when you were young (how about Free to Be You and Me?).

      • new york associate

        Oh, for books, you could also give her the Knuffle Bunny trilogy. I love them and my daughter really does, too. It’s a standard baby shower gift for me.

    • anonz

      Melissa and Doug has a cute shopping cart. You could get that and some plastic fruit and that would be a hit and not something they’re likely to have already.

  39. Anon

    Maybe a long shot . . . anyone know a good tailor in Indianapolis/Carmel? Greenwood/Southport are also doable.

    Dry cleaners in Carmel as a bonus question? It seems like the local ones have quite a bit of turnover.

  40. Dorothy

    Any easy way to save a knit dress that is pilling? I have a “sweater shaver” thing but it’s not effective. Not an expensive or high-quality dress (obviously), but I like it and want to be able to wear it again! Thanks.

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