Coffee Break: Carolynn Loafers

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1. Ladies that were single mid-life: how do you decide where to live?

   I was a pandemic mover in spring 2020. My office returned to work last year, and I go in 3 times a week. My round-trip commute is 5 hours round-trip – in part due to long-term construction projects.

   I love my home and area. I have a sub-3% mortgage. I would love to retire here in 15 years. But I am the only single person around that is not an older widow or widower, which makes me feel so isolated. The commute saps my energy to do anything fun. Potential dates are turned off by my remote location. I was a devoted city person but frankly the city I commute to for work has become unsafe. I would not want to live there anymore, and do not even enjoy going in for work.

   Would love advice. I have thought about finding a remote job but that would mean a 50% pay cut or more, and I would still be surrounded by retired people and young families in a semi-rural bedroom community. But in a house I really love, and could never come close to replacing in a safe location closer to my office.

   1. Would you explore renting your current house out and doing a rental for yourself in a neighborhood closer to city? 5 hours sounds awful, even cutting it down to 2 hours round trip would be more manageable and seems like it might put you in a more vibrant neighborhood. You could try that for a year and then assess.
      Also, i struggle to understand what field you are in that a remote role would be a 50% pay cut. I assume you have looked, but that just doesn’t seem to match any of the benchmarking data I see as an HR person.

      1. If she’s in a HCOL area (based on the username I’m guessing Seattle?) it tracks. Employers aren’t going to pay Bay Area or NYC money to people who live in Kansas. If you’re in a LCOL area, then remote work doesn’t normally require a huge pay cut.

      2. This is the only way. Rent out the house to save it for your retirement and rent closer to your job, whether it’s this one or a new job you find via the job hunt you should start now, not limited to remote work.

   2. I’m sorry, what!? You’re commuting 5 hours a day, 3 days a week? That’s insane and I would do literally anything to avoid it.

   3. What about just renting a room/roommates in the city you work in? When I was single, living remotely was the last thing I’d have wanted to do. Really hard to date and have a social life.

      1. Or just a hotel or airbnb for 2 nights for the days you are in office?

   4. Man, I could not handle that commute. I also would not give up a house I loved with a sub3% mortgage.

      Can you rent a room for cheap much closer to work to get your life back, maybe in a nearby suburb? The cost might be a wash with all the time, gas money, and wear/tear on your vehicle. Easier to date and do fun activities too, without giving up your house.

   5. Are you sure you’ve explored all the social options in your current area? A friend lives on an island near Seattle and LOVES where she is but it took her a while to meet friends because it’s so isolated and people were keeping to themselves early in the pandemic, but now she has a nice little community. She’s a late 30s professional with a fully remote job. Your username made me think of her.

   6. If I’ve learned anything from romcoms, you should by now have met the local Christmas tree farmer who needs a big city girl to do marketing for his failing business in order to save it, and then you would have fallen in love despite not liking him at first.

      But given you’ve been there for several years, you’re facing the reality of more rural/deep suburban living – they tend not to be great communities for younger single people.

      Rent the house out, move closer to a city, any city, and revisit the retirement location question when you’re much closer to it!

      1. This is good advice. I also have a house I love with a sub 3% mortgage and would not want tot give that up. But a lot can change in 15 years. I agree with renting your house and moving closer. Cut down your commute and live somewhere more vibrant.

   7. Is there nowhere viable with a shorter commute? Like an hour outside the city?

   8. I’ve known people in similar positions that have relied on renting hotel rooms when driving into the city. You can do the math, but two nights per week at $200 is going to be cheaper than renting a small apartment closer in and the pay cut you have to take going remote.

   9. Lol I would love to know what city you consider unsafe.

      1. Seattle. I have a friend that did 2 tours in Afghanistan and he moved out of the city too, saying he felt less safe. Another patient of my PT has been assaulted multiple times near her downtown office. My brother’s house has been broken into 3 times since 2020. My manager’s car broken into twice. All allegedly safe neighborhoods. I think the CHOP stuff was overblown but the daily reality is grim, especially for a single woman. Even 10 years ago, homeless people followed me on the street until I called an Uber.

         There seem to be no decent places to live around here anymore. I am not averse to renting out my place, but again there is no safe area that I actually want to live in. I would be moving to a different suburb full of not-single people.

         1. +1 just recently left Seattle. It’s grim and quite honestly concerning for a tech hub to be populated by a community that has fallen apart. It doesn’t bode well for all the “we’re good people” stories from tech companies, while their back yards are dumpster fires and they’re seemingly unable to do anything to improve. Oh but yeah what a lovely guy Gates is. Yawn… (yes I’m bitter about seeing my city fall apart!)

            1. i just spent a week in seattle for work in 3 different locations (long story) and never once felt unsafe. Granted, I live in DC now but still – wow. what did i miss?? I know a week isn’t very long but it’s not like I was only near the convention center or anything…

               OP, i cannot imagine a good mortgage rate being a fair trade off for hating everything else about my life but you do you.

         2. I live in the Eastside. I’m guessing you work for Amazon (3 days in the office!!) and have to ferry or drive in from one of the islands. How easy would it be to rent your home and rent closer to Seattle or on the Eastside? If that doesn’t work, could you look into getting an airbnb every other week or every two weeks somewhere closer to work? That way you’ll have to do your rough daily commute only every other week or every two weeks, and you get a predictable schedule to meet people or potential dates in the city the weeks you’re staying closer to the city.
            Also, I wonder if you’re looking at this as a very black & white decision. It’s either stay put at your current place or go work remotely somewhere else b/c Seattle is so unsafe. There are plenty of locations closer to the city that might work better for a single person (all on the Eastside, Ballard, Green Park, etc.) but renting there is going to be expensive.

            1. There are nothing but families on the Eastside. There is no culture or entertainment except shopping. The sidewalks are empty. The roads are packed.

               Ballard and Green Lake are where my brother was robbed. Two residences in 2 years. He was whipped with an electrical cord by the Green Lake assailant. I don’t even housesit for him anymore, and he has a nice house.

         3. oh boy, this sounds very tough. Could you get a dog, a german shephard for example for protection and companionship? Rent out your house, and well, I guess find the best of the not great options. Don’t live alone, maybe, and in an apartment building instead of a house.

   10. >Potential dates are turned off by my remote location.

       So apparently potential dates are fine with the scary city?

       Maybe you’re not the city girl you think you are. If that’s the case, why would you want to meet and date someone who currently lives in the city? Do you think you could change them to live in the boonies because you’re scared?

       1. Living in the city with a partner is a different proposition than living there alone. I am glad for you that my post doesn’t resonate. Virtually every single person I know feels similarly to me, even the men who do not get followed like I and other women do.

          1. Wow, I’m surprised to hear that. I live only a few blocks from where “CHOP” was, and while there are occasionally scary situations, I definitely normally feel fine walking around. And if I were in like, Shoreline or Kirkland or something I can’t imagine feeling constantly in fear. Not saying I plan to stroll around downtown at night with earbuds in. But I’d think even if you feel horribly unsafe, renting a room somewhere would hardly be worse than the time you spend in town going to and from work? Even if it were just a couple nights a week and you rest or watch tv in the extra free time from not commuting!

          2. Your commute sounds awful, I’m so sorry. And I’m sorry Seattle no longer feels safe to you. I’ve lived here for 25+ years, 22 in my NW Seattle neighborhood, and while the city has changed and will always continue to change, single women can and do live safely here. One thing that makes that possible is a close community on my block – I always have neighbors looking out for me.

             If you’re commuting on foot downtown between office and ferry terminal, is it possible to shift time and walk routes so you’re in company with more fellow commuters? Is there anyone who takes the same ferry that you could buddy up with?

2. What does the hive recommend as the best low profile white leather sneaker? I only want leather – no “vegan leather”. Budget up to $150 but under $100 would be even better.

   1. I have a pair from Ecco that I love.

   2. https://nymag.com/strategist/article/best-white-sneakers-for-women.html

      I love window shopping The Strategist. They did a good list here for options.

   3. I got these recently and I like them. They are leather and not too heavy as a lot of leather sneakers tend to be.
      https://www.dsw.com/en/us/product/lucky-brand-divahna-sneaker—womens/557041?activeColor=100

   4. Veja or Cole Haan Grandpro (super light)

   5. Check out Reebok – Glide or Court Advance.

   6. Adidas Sam Smith

   7. Love my white leather Birkenstocks.

   8. Vejas campo. I also have Cole Haan grandpro and they are much heavier. The campos did take some stretching in the toe box to be completely comfortable (I just stuffed them with newspaper and left them for a few days)

3. Reposting from late in the morning thread…
   I have worked my whole decade+ career in government, and for the first time have gotten a message from a recruiter that is actually somewhat interesting. But I’ve never talked to a recruiter before and I’m not sure what kind of questions I should ask at this stage before deciding whether to apply. It’s a private small or medium firm (I’m not sure). I’m happy where I am, but the compensation would be 50% more than I’m currently making and I can work remotely several days a week, which is intriguing.
   Would appreciate any advice on what to ask/consider.

   1. Normally they will lead off pitching the company and role. I’d really consider your total comp package, assume benefits structure will be massively different going between government and private (pension vs 401k, cost of healthcare). What are the parts of your current role you really love? Try to ask questions that get at the heart of those areas.

   2. Always talk to recruiters, be nice, develop a friendly relationship. It may not be this job, but it could be some future job.

   3. Are you a lawyer? There is a reason firms pay more money and it is because, in general, they are stressful places to work.

      1. I am, and my job is very stressful but in very specific ways — visible, high stakes work, and I’m in a high level position — but everyone I work with is nice, supportive, friendly, etc. I’ve never had a boss who yells. My work is regularly covered in the media in my city. My friend who is an emergency manager has a similar experience, so that’s the best analogy I can draw. I know a firm would be stressful in a different ways, and I’m largely unprepared for them because I don’t totally understand them. For example, I’ve never had to bill my time. This is why I’m asking for some suggestions here, because I don’t really know what I don’t know.

         1. So the comp model varies by firm and can really influence the culture — do partners hog work because there’s no incentive to cross-sell? Do associates lose credit for billable time if partners write it off? What are the actual vs. unwritten expectations of billables? (Like if the minimum is technically 2000, which it is for many Biglaw firms, in reality you want to be hitting 2100+ to be viewed well.)

            The worst part about billing your time is it means there’s no such thing as real time off. Like if you take a vacation you don’t get credited for the 40 hours of time you’d otherwise theoretically be billing — you have to find it from other weeks and weekends. You’ll also be shocked at how much work time it takes you to bill 8 hours — certainly at first — but even as I got more senior it would be a 10 hour day to get 8 hours of billable time. All of this, plus the nature of outside counsel meaning that you’re who gets pulled into fire drills when clients can’t handle on their own, means what you might think is a reasonable amount of workload can turn into long days super easily.

         2. I’d probably advise against going to a firm later on in your career. The shift is going to be really hard to adjust to. I speak from experience, because I was 40 when I went to a firm out of a legal-adjacent career. And I regret it. I’ve never worked anywhere else where it is normal to get yelled at, torn apart on a monthly basis, but that is the culture. Billing hours is really hard, in so many ways. Eg., in your current role, you attend a CLE and it “counts” as work. Not so at a firm. A whole day CLE means you get to make up a whole day of work on the weekend. There is no such thing as time off. I’m on a 1600 hour expectation and it is really hard to squeeze that out when you incorporate holidays, internal meetings, business development, and all the other non-billable stuff you have to do to keep going. Yeah, it pays more, but that is because no one would do this otherwise.

            1. +1 – no way would I go back to a law firm at this stage. OP, you’ve got the job people try to get when they’re at firms, I’d keep it.

4. Leading an authentic life has been coming up a lot lately for me. I’m encountering in books, podcasts etc. What does leading an authentic life mean to you? How do you do it?

   1. I like the nerdy or weird or niche things that I like, and I celebrate those things and I’m never ashamed of them.

   2. Authentic means real. Ditching the fake stuff: fake lashes, plastic nails, fake tan, hair extensions, chicken fillets.
      Spending time and money on things that are meaningful to you, not to impress others or give your parents something to brag about.

      1. For me, authenticity is figuring out who you are, what your values are, and living your life to best exemplify both. And also continuing to explore who you are, since it isn’t static!

         And for me at least, I grew up in a household with significant disdain for traditionally feminine things, nails, hair, etc. and part of my multi-decade journey to authenticity to figuring out my own opinion about fake eye lashes, tans, extensions, etc. I don’t see the rejection of them as inherently “authentic.”

         1. I agree. That may be someone’s authentic self. It’s not mine, but it’s not for me to decide what their inner self feels is authentic for them.

         2. Fake is the opposite of authentic. Hence fake tan, fake handbags, fake nails, fake boobs, faking your hair is literally inauthentic.

            1. You’re being excessively literal about the phrase. It’s used to mean being true to yourself. If you love intense makeup or over the top looks, you wouldn’t become your “authentic self” by ditching those things.

            2. OP asked “what does it mean to you?”. To me, that means less fakery.

   3. Authentic = Real. So I’m embracing who I am as a person without worrying about what anyone else thinks. I’m wearing clothes that reflect my personal style. I’m pursuing interests that I enjoy. I’m allowing myself to age, and to look my age. Things like that.

   4. To me it means honoring your true feelings, wants, needs, and beliefs. Aligning your actions and your words with those things. Taking responsibility for what they bring and remaining true to them. Not following trends or social structures just because, but when they align for you.

   5. Knowing what your values are and living them to the very best of your ability.

5. I really like the look of these loafers.

   1. They look good in person too.

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