Coffee Break: Diane Pump

franco-sarto-diane-heelThese pretty heels from Franco Sarto come in black, taupe, and a nice dark purple — but for some reason I’m feeling this dusty gray the best. They come in a huge range of sizes — 4-13, regular, wide and narrow — and they’re only $109.  I like the walkable 2.25″ heel, and of course readers have always raved about the comfort of Franco Sarto over the years. Franco Sarto Diane

On the hunt? Check out our Guide to Comfortable Heels.



  1. Reposting from “blazer” thread.

    I had a family member “help” with my taxes in 2014 (I was admittedly less detail oriented in reviewing it, because we are a very “normal” tax household–mortgage, 2 kids, an HSA, w-2 employees, not subject to AMT, have always used TurboTax). I just got a “love letter” from the IRS. It looks like, while my HSA contributions were accurately recorded on the return, the amount of DISTRIBUTIONS (whatever is recorded on the 1099) was listed at 0 instead of about 5K (big year for us medially–baby, surgery, hospital stay). (I don’t think I had the 1099 from the HSA, so helpful family member just put 0).

    The IRS used info from the bank housing the HSA (so the 1099 info) to ADD the HSA contributions back to our gross income, and now wants $2600 (adjustment in taxable income, a “penalty” for premature distribution). It’s due in mid-October, but just got the notice last week.

    Do I amend my return? Call a rep and explain?

    • Anonymous :

      Neither. Get a real accountant and ask them for advice.

      • I think any savings would get eaten up in the fees, dealing w/ such a small amount.

        • Anonymous :

          I don’t think $2600 is that small an amount. An accountant should be able to look at this issue and either file an amended return for you or communicate with the IRS on your behalf for a few hundred dollars. The money would be worth it to me for the peace of mind.

        • KateMiddletown :

          Probably not – most CPAs are more reasonable than you’d think. Also, if you’ve had TurboTax doing your taxes, they may offer audit support, either free or for a small fee. Good luck!

        • In my practice, that’s an hour-long job (plus a little longer for a new client to gather info, so maybe two hours total. In my LCOL area, that’s under $400 to resolve the issue. I posted on your other thread with suggestions.

      • Consider talking to an accountant or an attorney that does tax controversy work.

        If you want to try it yourself, call the rep and let them know that you think you know the source of the error (you had qualified distributions that were not reported correctly) and ask the process for getting that corrected. I would probably at least do that much, while making an appointment with an accountant.

        • A tax controversy specialist is definitely overkill; this is a very simple mistake and easy to resolve. I’ve written a version of this letter 25 times.

      • Yay, Kat! I love these closed toe pump’s, but need 4″ heel’s, not 2 1/2″ b/c I need to look taller.

        As for the OP, I would get a CPA to help. Amending the return may well be the BEST alternative, Dad says, but if you have an Acountant do it, they have to face the IRS, not you. Nona is right. Never get advice from a freind, or even a freind of a freind, b/c they usualy are dumb. FOOEY on people who are dumb and get you in troubel.

        I was late again today b/c I am SO over worked at work. I need to figure out a way to retire to a life of leesure. YAY!

    • We had a similar issue before and just had to pay the money.

  2. TO Lawyer :

    I’m looking for a pair of suede taupe booties with a chunky heel – has anyone seen something similar? I saw someone wearing a pair that was more pinky/grey than brown and I’m obsessed with finding something similar to wear with jeans.


    • Rag and Bone in the macaroon color!

    • I don’t think these are on the pink side, but I bought them at TJMaxx this past weekend for $59:

    • Anonymous :

      The Sam Edelman Petty bootie has a pretty low heel, but the suede putty color looks online like a pinkish-taupe.

    • (Former) Clueless Summer :

      The above link might work?

      I have a pair of Geox chunky heeled ankle boots in a greige colour that fits your description…looked around, but can’t find them this year. I got them in store at the Bay.

    • Anonymous :

      Blondo “Valli” in the mushroom color?

  3. Anonymous :

    Worth the read for anyone stuck with anti HRC family/friends – especially those that are also anti-Trump but say HRC isn’t ‘likeable’:

  4. Seeking advice on managing my mom :

    I am 36 years old and single – divorced for 11 years. My life is pleasant enough, but my career takes up everything I have. I am highly sensitive and the day to day of my job is exhausting. I spend my weekends sleeping and doing laundry and chores. I don’t get enough time to myself and friends/dating/etc take a backseat to staying healthy and staying employed.

    My mom is 73 years old. She has early stage dementia. She calls/emails All. The. Time. – at least when she can figure out how to do those things. I hear an endless parade of “I don’t feel that I am a part of your life” when I see her at least 1-2 times a month (she lives an hour away). Frankly, it takes a lot of sacrifice on my part to plan those trips to see her given that my job is so demanding/time and travel intensive.

    What can I do? She seems incapable of understanding that I HAVE NO LIFE other than work. She asks me about my friends, am I having fun, etc and my honest answers are “I don’t have time, I don’t have friends, I don’t have fun, I have nothing to share with you, I have my job and I’m going to die alone.” I can’t even share much about my job because the projects I work on are confidential and she wouldn’t understand anyway.

    I’m not refusing to share my life with her, it’s just that my life is so empty that I have nothing positive to talk about. I’m grateful for my job and my health, I am not complaining – this is just how my life turned out. Her constant questions and disbelief/judgment on my poor answers make me want to scream.

    Any advice appreciated.

    • It sounds like your mom is the tip of the iceberg. Or rather, salt on the wound?

      The big issue is working on finding something that makes you happy, or outsourcing some of the chores to have more time for fun.

      And by the way, work/life balance isn’t just for working moms and BigLaw refugees. It’s for anyone who works to make a living.

    • Dealing with someone with dementia is hard. First, stop trying to reason with her and fib a little. As for all of the phone calls and emails, it’s ok for you to ignore them sometimes for your own sanity. You can always tell her that up can’t get a signal at work. Good luck.

    • Anonymous :

      Well I thought this was going to be a post about managing a mom with dementia, but that’s really not the issue here. You say your mom is judgmental, but I don’t really get that vibe at all. Asking about your life isn’t judgment (and remember that Alzheimer’s patients ask the same question over and over again because they forget, not because they’re implying there’s something wrong with the answer). Quite honestly after reading your post it seems like the only person judging you is you. You’re sad that your life is “empty”…so change that? There’s nothing wrong with being career-focused, but if you want friends or a dating life, think about transitioning into a job that allows for more work-life balance. There’s no law you have to stay at one job or even one career forever. And in the meantime, please get therapy.
      I also find it really hard to believe you can’t talk to your mom in very general terms about what you’re doing at work, even if the work itself is classified. Certainly you can tell her that your job is fun and makes you happy and fulfilled, if that’s true. And if it’s not true, you need a new job.

      • Seeking advice on managing my mom :

        Thanks for the replies above.

        I am 99% sure that any other job in my field would be worse than my current job on a net basis. So; no new job. I’m hoping to hang onto this job for another 4-5 years and then on to a very modest retirement and perhaps a straight 9-5 job that provides health insurance. I’d be happy pouring coffee at Starbucks (and yes I have had such a job before).

        I’ve been to therapists over the years and they did nothing for me except make me feel badly about spending the money. At this point I don’t need anything to change. I’d love more time to be alone but I’ll sacrifice that in the short term for a chance to completely retreat from the modern world at 40/41.

        I’ve been treated so very badly by people (men and women) since childhood that a hermit’s life is really all I want at this point.

        • Anonymous :

          You sound very decided in your plans so I’m not going to waste time suggesting therapy.

          I will say that Gretchen Rubin’s book about happiness talks about happiness being derived from planning future enjoyable activities. Have you shared your early retirement plans with your mom? Maybe that could be a source of interest and discussion? What activities did she wished she tried in her 40s? (rollerblading/hiking/running/learning to play an instrument are all relatively low cost) What activities might you enjoy doing together when you’re retired and have more time? Start a mother-daughter book club? The point isn’t to set activities in stone but just to enjoy daydreaming together a bit about future happy times.

          • Anonymous :

            I’m Anon @3:46 below not 3:44 above – just noted that it’s confusing that I responded to your response to 3:44 who recommended therapy and I was saying no therapy because you’re not interested.

          • Seeking advice on managing my mom :

            Thanks again, I will give these and other suggestions some thought. I am uncomfortable lying but maybe I should get over that for this limited purpose.

            Unfortunately I don’t look forward to doing anything with my mom when I’m retired. I resent the hell out of the fact that her life will have been everything mine was not (married almost 50 years and counting; 3 kids who love her and will TAKE CARE OF her as she ages, summers off as a teacher, lots of travel when she was young, etc.).

            Meanwhile I’m likely to have dementia myself by 70 and I will have nobody and few comforting memories. I will have spent my life working for the man and being a target for anybody who wanted to give someone a kick.

          • Anonymous :

            Why are you choosing a lifestyle that is so opposite of what your mom chose to do and then resenting her for the choice? You too could make the choice to not work 24/7 and have a social life, but you’re eschewing that for early retirement. It’s not too late for you to have a long marriage and kids if that’s what you want.

          • Seeking advice on managing my mom :

            Yes, it is too late (um hello, my mom had been married 12 years when she was my age). There are basically no good men out there at my age unless I want to stalk the obituaries in search of young-ish widowers. I’m not what men want generally, and I acknowledge that I am highly damaged goods and have been since my divorce. Men don’t want a divorced parent to a disabled senior citizen with a long hour job; they want a beauty queen with no baggage and a flexible schedule.

            But thanks, I admire optimistic folk like you:) My mom is like you, in large part because she has no flipping clue when it would be like to be single/divorced in her 30s.

          • Anonymous :

            Do you really think that people here don’t understand what it’s like to be single/divorced in their 30’s? You’re only 36. You don’t have to date if you don’t want to, but don’t delude yourself into thinking that it’s because you have no options.

          • OMG it’s NOT too late.

            For reference, I have a girlfriend who met her husband at age 40, got married at 41, and had her first baby at 42. At your age she was getting out of a long term relationship that wasn’t going to end in marriage.

            “Men don’t want a divorced parent to a disabled senior citizen with a long hour job; they want a beauty queen with no baggage and a flexible schedule”

            False. Basically, we’re all eventually going to be parents to disabled senior citizens. Including these men you speak of. Ain’t no avoiding that. You’re being myopic. That person you described doesn’t exist and you know it. Men are fully formed creatures with complex emotions and are fully capable of falling in love with “imperfect” partners.

          • Seeking advice on managing my mom :

            Sure, the odds are good but the goods are odd.

            Plus I can’t take another heartbreak. I had a 10 year relationship end at knifepoint. Another man whom I owned a house with simply moved out without telling me. I have at least a half dozen male friends who would probably step up to date me if I wanted them but…I don’t. Last week a total stranger got out of his car at a stoplight to give me his phone number (he was way too young for me, maybe 10 years younger). I know how these stories end and I’m not interested.

            Stick a fork in me because I am done.

          • Ok, fine. You’re done. You have every right to choose never to date again, esp. after what you’ve been through. But you need to do some work to understand that you’re making a choice and to own that choice. Which you aren’t doing.

          • ” I know how these stories end and I’m not interested.”

            You know from your mom that not all of “these stories” end that way – in fact, most of them don’t. I’m not judging you, because I went through a lot of the same things in my twenties.

            Some things that helped were understanding that I had great, long-term relationships with friends; great relationships with my family; and that I just needed to look for in men what I found in friends and family. Taking a break from dating to re-set my “whack job radar” helped a LOT.

            Getting older helped. Men got burned out on the cute girls, the “smart but not as smart,” the un-threatening types. They got enough of their own baggage to not judge my emotional baggage. I started dating friends of friends.

            Getting older also helped because the skeezy men are still hitting on the twenty-somethings, so I wasn’t wading through horrible men to find the nice ones.

            I’m basically your age and never married. It gets REALLY tough some times, but it helps that the men I’ve dated over the last six or seven years are all basically decent people, and many of them are still my good friends. And work/life balance is for everyone – finding that helped a lot, too.

            Just my thought.

        • Geographically, where are you?

          I will tell you the same thing I tell everyone with a good, but not perfect, job: apply selectively to other jobs. A job application is like a coffee date: you aren’t committing to anything, just to test the waters.

          You also sound like an introvert. That doesn’t mean shy or misanthropic, just that people tire you out. Consider that there are likely better careers out there for you – that you would be happy enough doing every day, wouldn’t leave you drained, and you could tolerate over the next twenty or thirty years.

        • Anonymous :

          If you really just wanted to retreat from the modern world at 40-41 I doubt you would resent the hell out of your mom as you say. She may still be frustrating to deal with (my dad has moderate dementia and sometime he too can be really really tough) but you probably wouldn’t resent her for having a 50 year marriage, summers off, kids, and the opportunity to travel. It sounds like you really do want some or all of those things but you convinced yourself that for whatever reason you aren’t going to get them so you are opting out. Maybe you can’t get all of them. I got married last year in my early 40s but the doctors tell us that our odds for having a family are understandably not great. That makes me really sad. I always pictured myself as a mom. Who knows, maybe that will happen for me some other way. I think there is joy to be had if you want to look for it. I would encourage you to find something that would make you happy right now and just go for it.

    • It might be helpful to realize that this isn’t a critique/commentary on your life choices as much as it is a function of a failing memory and a mom wanting to know that her child is okay/happy. Don’t lie, but change the answers a little. How are your friends? (fine- sub in your coworkers here). Are you happy? Yes, job is super fulfilling, I ate a great restaurant in xyz city, I read this book on the plane, whatever. You like your job and you describe it as pleasant. Your life isn’t empty. Re-frame this in your mind.
      And, the dementia isn’t going to get better. It will likely get worse. Be prepared to meet her wherever she is mentally. I know that is easier said than done, but constantly correcting her is just going to frustrate both of you and confuse her. Go ahead and start figuring out what resources are there.

    • Anonymous :

      You need to dial back your sensitivity meter a bit. She misses you and wants to spend time with you. And it sounds like she is genuinely interested in your life. The questions she’s asking you are normal questions and honestly, she may be trying to tell you that you need a little more balance in your life without sounding like she’s criticizing you.

      She’s at an age when people love to talk about themselves. Ask her about her life, what things were like when she was a teenager/young adult/middle age. Plan a topic for each visit to give you something to talk about – what was her favorite book? what was her favorite music as a teenager etc etc?

    • It does not sound like your life is that pleasant!

      ” I HAVE NO LIFE other than work.” “…my honest answers are “I don’t have time, I don’t have friends, I don’t have fun, I have nothing to share with you, I have my job and I’m going to die alone.” “i am not complaining–this is just how my life turned out.”

      I would be worried about you if I were your mom. Moms are annoying a.f. about it, but she seems like she has a point if her position is, “gosh, why are you willing to accept so little for your life in exchange for a job you hate?”

      No advice about your mom, but I think you should really think through whether this job is good for you, maybe see about an SSRI or Talkspace or something. There are so many ways to make money in this world.

    • Anonymous :

      Get a therapist.

    • Anonymous :

      Talk about other things — your plans for retirement, old memories, family history, current events, tv, books, etc. Just because you’re not happy with your life right now doesn’t mean that you can’t talk to her. With dementia, she’s going to ask the same questions over and over and honestly, those are nice, caring questions from a lonely woman who loves you. It can get a lot worse. It may help to read a book called Creating Moments of Joy, which can help you figure out coping methods to keep both of you happy and sane.

      And honestly, you sound very unhappy. She’s probably worried because you seem very depressed.

      • Anonymous :

        And even if you haven’t liked therapy before, sometimes it takes a few tries or takes a few different rounds of trying different medications. Hang in there.

      • “And honestly, you sound very unhappy. She’s probably worried because you seem very depressed.”

        God, this. I believe you’ve posted here before about this same issue, although not framed w/r/t your mom. My mom is alone. She calls a lot. Sometimes I feel like you do-when I’m super busy at work, dissatisfied that I’m single and have no spare time for hobbies, and resentful at my job- and I’ll say similar things in despair when my poor mom just asks how I’m doing. She’s asking how she’s doing because she knows I’m not doing well, and wailing about my empty life is my red flag. It’s a product of temporary stress/depression. For me, it comes and goes, and I recognize that it’s not my everything- it just pops up at certain times. What you wrote completely resonates, except that I don’t always feel that way.

        I know you don’t want a therapist, but geeze, you owe it to yourself to try to live a full life!!! Get after it!

    • Another anon :

      It sounds to me as though you are in a deep rut with work. Do you have vacation time? frankly an exotic vacation, or a adventure or charity work vacation, might shake you from the deep unhappiness it sounds like you’ve settled into.

    • Sydney Bristow :

      Is there something specific in your life that you do enjoy? It could be anything. Books you read, a show you watch, an interesting topic that you deal with at work. Maybe that could be something to steer the conversation towards.

      The mention of Gretchen Rubin above made me think about this. In one of her books she talks about fragrance and the joy she gets from walking to her shelf of fancy Demeter frangrances and sniffing one. That stuck with me from her book. If you have something like this in your life that you can tap into then it could be a segue into a new topic with her. “Oh I haven’t seen any friends lately but I just [read an interesting book, found the perfect leaves scented fragrance I’ve been searching for, an interesting story you heard on the radio on your commute, anything that you find intersting]. Perhaps if you can talk enthusiastically enough about something else she’ll focus on that for a bit.

      You’re getting some pushback on your description of her actions. You know her best and I’m guessing this issue pre-dated the dementia issue. That’s likely just exacerbating an earlier problem you had in your relationship with her.

      If you haven’t already, I do recommend reading The Happiness Project.

    • Anonymous :

      If you want to die alone and miserable, you’ve certainly found that path. It’s completely obviously not the only one available to you. So either you start doing something about it or you wallow. But don’t excuse being unkind to your mother with your own choice to be miserable. You see her twice a month. That’s not why you’re single. And being single isn’t why you are miserable.

    • This is late, so you may not see it. I have tons of sympathy, but no real advice. I do find some of the other commenters to be overly judgmental, though. I’m sorry that you reached out for help and got so much vitriol for it.

      Can I ask how your mother’s dementia was diagnosed? I’m starting to believe that my MIL is in the early stages of dementia, but DH doesn’t want to hear it. For what it’s worth, she similarly badgers him with questions that he doesn’t want to answer. He asks her to focus on other subjects, and she agrees, only to ask again the next time they communicate. Typing all that out, it sounds like a short-term memory issue, which could be a symptom of dementia.

      Sending internet hugs your way.

    • There’s a lot to unpack here.

      I am the caregiver for my parent with traumatic brain injury. I can say from personal experience that your resentment of your neurologically impaired parent because of your unhappiness with your own life is a rough combination. It will suck you dry of empathy, and plunge you into a deep depression and can destroy your relationship with your parent. And your parent is only going to get worse, so it will get exponentially harder, particularly if your own mental health issues aren’t addressed.

      You can set boundaries with your Mom. You can make it clear you can’t talk certain times of day. You can set up more frequent, quick, check-in calls spread amongst family members. But you also need to realize that if she is living alone, and has few visitors, then 1-2 visits a month is not a lot for her and may not be sustainable long term if your sibs and other friends/family are not pitching in. And as her dementia progresses, she may not remember any limits that you set, and you may need to answer her phone calls if she is not safely able to manage on her own anymore.

      Of course I understand what it is like to be working a demanding job, and 1-2 visits a month IS a very big commitment in that setting. It is great you are doing this.

      But soon you will need to accept that your Mother will not be able to sense your personal needs, will become more self-focused and will need consistency from you for her own stability. I strongly encourage you to prepare a simple story for each call, which will also deflect the questions that seem to upset you. Sometimes, you fib a little. I encourage you to ask her advice about something you don’t even need advice about (!), so she feels that she is helping you, as she does seem to be interested and care.

      It is also time for a family meeting with your sibs. Time to talk about long term plans for Mom so you are all on the same page. Time to talk about a call schedule, so every day of the week is covered and the responsibility is balanced. Time to talk about a visit schedule, that takes into account everyone’s lives/jobs/distance and balancing responsibility. And time to think about long term plan for her care, as it is clear that you cannot be her long term caregiver, if this is a looming fear of yours. If powers of attorney, and her preferences for end of life and wills etc.. have not been established, now is the time to talk about it before she is no longer able.

      But my dear, you need help. Your depression is JUMPING off the screen. Even if therapy was not for you in the past, there are medicines and you need one fast. Or you need to change the dose or med you are on now, and then find a new therapist and try again. Meantime, get outside and take a walk at lunchtime when you can… even if it is only for 5 minutes. Get a happy light, and put it near you when you drink your morning cup of coffee or even on your desk. If you can exercise… do it. See your primary care doctor if you haven’t seen her in a year.

      You need to take care of yourself, or you can’t be a caregiver for someone else. And like it or not, you are now a caregiver for your Mom.

    • I can tell you’re really hurting, and you’ve been hurting for a long time. It sounds like you’ve been through some very, very hard things.

      One thing that is really unfair about life is that, no matter how much you’ve been the victim of circumstance – of abusive relationships, of illness, of disappointments that were the work of a third party – sometimes even though you didn’t put yourself in the situation, you’re the only one that can get yourself out of it. There’s a book by Alice Sebold called “Lucky,” which is about her r*pe in college and her resulting recovery. I read it when I was deep in the throes of recovery from anorexia, and there was a line that really stuck with me: “We save ourselves or we remain unsaved.” I really, really wanted someone to save me, but the only hero that was coming was me.

      I know you’ve found yourself in a situation that isn’t of your choosing and that feels very unfair. But you are the only one who can get yourself out of it. What I hear in your comments is that you don’t think it’s possible to make your situation better. As long as that’s your belief, it won’t get better. But I’d ask you to consider whether it’s worth taking a chance, before you write off your one wild and precious life, on trying to find something better for yourself. When I was in a mental state much like your own, antidepressants helped get me to a place where I could actually benefit from therapy. That might be an option for you. I’d encourage you to think about it. Because this stranger on the internet thinks that this doesn’t have to be the rest of your life.

      • OP – this is the most compassionate response you’re likely to see today, and I hope you’ll consider it.

      • Sydney Bristow :

        Cbackson, this is such a wonderful response. I’m going to check out that book and possibly pass it to my sister who could benefit from that advice.

        • It is a wonderful book. A tough read, but really compelling and ultimately hopeful without being hackneyed or rationalizing what she experienced with some sort of “everything happens for a reason” message. I picked it up on a whim in B&N, and ended up reading the entire book standing in the aisle. Literally, I stood there for hours. Then I bought it, so I wouldn’t feel bad about standing there for hours. She gets far more attention for The Lovely Bones, which is also a great book, but very, very different.

      • anon in the DMV :

        I have never commented on here despite lurking for months, but “we save ourselves or we remain unsaved” just stopped me in my tracks. Thank you, I really needed to hear that today. I hope it was as helpful to the OP.

      • pugsnbourbon :

        Cbackson, you put it beautifully.

    • Anonymous :

      Your problem is not your mom. Your problem is you. You will still be there when you retire. PLEASE get therapy.

  5. Yum. Yum. Yum. I just discovered Yoplait 100 calorie Greek whips. The vanilla tastes like indulgent frosting.

  6. Good news: I have a mentor! Very senior person at my firm who signed up to be my mentor because I have a connection with someone in his family. He’s wonderful to talk to and I really enjoy getting advice from him. I’m not sure what a good frequency of contact is. He’s very friendly every time I run into him in the hall and always makes sure to end our conversation by saying something like “feel free to stop by my office,” “come by if you have any questions,” etc. He’s so senior I don’t want to bother him and right now, I don’t have any burning questions. What’s a good frequency for initiating mentor chats? And should I always have at least one good question when I stop by? Or would I just stop by to catch up?

    • I’ll just add I’m not sure if he’s saying only come by if you have questions. Or come by, either way. Can’t remember his exact phrasing.

      • Anonymous :

        Helps if you do have a question as that gets the conversation going – an easy classic one is to ask what he wishes you knew when he was at your career stage

  7. These shoes remind me of a pair of patent leather pumps that I had several years ago with a similar detail and I wore those shoes until they fell apart. I am seriously considering the dark sand suede as it appears to have a pink undertone and that would make them good winter “nude for me” heels, but am concerned that they will get dirty really fast even if I do not wear them in rain/snow/slush. The backup color for me probably would be the purple — it would go with all of the grey that I have.

    Anyone with experience with light colored suede?

    • Sydney Bristow :

      I have light colored suede wedges and leave them at work. I used scotchguard on them and switch back into my dark shoes or committing shoes if I have to run outside for something when the weather is crummy.

  8. How do you decide whether to press a medical issue with a parent. I’m an only child with one living parent, my father. He recently had lung cancer, had surgery to remove a lung, and has been cancer free for about a year. He recently returned from a trip during which he got very sick and had to be pushed around in a wheelchair. He got antibiotics and finished those and while he is better than he was he is still not 100% back to where he was before he went on the trip. I want him to go see the doctor and to get a chest x-ray. He says he will but has not done so and its been a couple weeks. What do I do? I respect that he is an adult and gets to make his own decisions. He probably doesn’t want to see the doctor because he thinks the lung cancer has returned and I think he likely thinks there won’t be much that can be done at that point. I don’t know if that is correct, but I suspect based on prior course of treatment that its close to correct. BUT, he is my dad and my only parent and I’m still in my early thirties. I want him around so I desperately want him to go to the doctor. Maybe its just pneumonia or something else that is easily treated. Do I keep pressing the issue or let it go and hope for the best?

    • BabyAssociate :

      I’d keep pushing. I think you can press the issue from a place of love and concern and be supportive. I had similar concerns with my mom. She clearly needs both hips replaced, my sister and I kept inquiring about whether or not she had made an appointment with a doctor until she finally did and now has surgery booked! If we hadn’t been persistent, I don’t think she would have ever done it.

    • Yes, you keep pressing this issue. It’s ok. He needs your encouragement, as he is scared. He has already told you he will do it, so by asking/reminding him you are not going against his wishes.

      He has been through a lot, and since he lives alone, he probably needs you to be involved and advocate for him more than he would ever admit.

      Do you live close enough to him that you could go to the appointment with him? That often works the best. Sometimes I do a little guilt trip… “Can I call to make the appointment for you? Please, do it for me….” And keep asking until the appointment is on the books.

      It’s unclear from your description what is going on, but also realize that he has been through so much, and losing a lung means that he will probably not bounce back easily from any infection, and is likely more at risk for infections. So I wouldn’t jump to the worry that the cancer is back. He is going to be hit hard with fatigue/weakness any time he is tired, or catches a bug and recovery will be slow and some times he will not recover back to where he was.

      Keep pushing.

      • Thanks for the suggestions. He has a live in girlfriend / partner so he’s not alone. Unfortunately I’m a 3 hour flight or a 9 hour drive away and with my hours I’m lucky if I see him twice a year. I will keep trying to raise it with him and hope for the best.

  9. About to TTC :

    Hello! Advice Please! DH and I are planning to start trying in a few months. What should we do to prior to TTC and/or while TTC, and what is the first thing you do if/when you become pregnant? I know it may take a long time after going off BC, which is why we’re starting soon.

    • Anonattorney :

      Start taking prenatal vitamins now. Expect no positive results for 6 months. Start tracking your period to see if your cycle is regular or not. Once it becomes regular, start tracking ovulation. Celebrate getting your period with little presents to yourself – a decadent dinner of sushi and LOTS of booze, a weekend getaway, a spa visit. It takes the edge off the disappointment of not getting pregnant. Find ways to spice up your sex life so your partner doesn’t feel like a stud.

    • drink, go on vacation/spontaneous long weekends, see a movie, go to happy hour/after work social events guilt free, sleep all night, LGP’s, take prenatals, exercise, see if you can wean yourself off of drugs you don’t want to take while pregnant,

      If you want a trial run to really scare the $hit out of you: save the equivalent of daycare $$ and see what it’s like budget-wise, read “all joy and no fun,” set your alarm to wake you up every 2 hours, just throw half your dinner on the floor every night, do everything around the house one handed, throw some legos on the floor, pick a friend’s kid up from daycare and do night routine with the kid while mom has some me-time. :)

  10. Anonymous :

    Apropos of a the postings on the morning thread about Costco:

    Worth it for a couple? I have a 1200 sq ft, 2/2 with really not a lot of extra storage space and no garage, so when people say things like “I only buy toilet paper twice a year!” I think there’s no way I have space for that much toilet paper. Would I even make back the membership fee if I don’t have storage space for bulk buys?

    • cheese, booze, random treasures (pens, batteries, flashlights), glasses, produce, technology, snacks, organic milk. you could get some deals even if you don’t buy in bulk. It’s like $55–i think you’d make it back!

    • Anonymous :

      Absolutely. We are childfree and buy things like shampoo there, as well as items with long shelf lives (e.g., vanilla, baking soda) and things we just eat a lot (e.g., cereal, coffee). They also tend to have “healthier”/organic items at a much lower price per unit than other markets in our area.

    • Yes, it is worth it for the gas alone.

      If you wear contacts, it is worth it for the contacts/glasses alone.

      Try it for a year.

    • We make the membership fee back on the liquor alone. YMMV.

    • Anonymous :

      You can return your membership if you don’t like it. I did that when I realized I hadn’t even been in 8 months.

    • Our situation is same as yours and we love our Costco membership. Gas alone pays back the membership fee. We buy lot of groceries there (rice, sugar, oil, eggs, fruits and vegetables, detergent etc). We brought our vitamix from there and I have also bought small jewelry ! Husband buys clothes there..

    • Not everything is ginormous, some of them are two packs of things. While we have bought bigger purchases (TV, dyson) most of the smaller items we tend to buy as a couple: vitamins, men’s razors (holy smokes), frozen food, alcohol, gas, contact solution, batteries, flowers, etc.

    • ALX emily :

      Agree with what everyone else has said – plus rental cars!

    • Go for it :

      I live alone and I make it work. The only thing I buy from Cost-Co that’s actually all that big is the 10-lb box of oatmeal. Everything else is only medium or biggish and I have no problems fitting it in existing cabinets.

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