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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 347 Comments · by

Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Ruffle Jersey Sheath Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. vince-ruffle-sheath-dressI am not usually into ruffles for the office, especially on dresses, but this is the second dress I've seen recently that looks sophisticated and regal, and not frilly or overly fancy for work. (It doesn't hurt that the first dress I saw recently was this $1900 dress from Carolina Herrera — now that I think about it also reminds me of this reader favorite dress.) The pictured dress only comes in purple, but it's available in regular and petite sizes for $128. Vince Camuto Ruffle Jersey Sheath Dress Looking for something similar in plus sizes? Check out this dress. Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)

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Comments

  1. Lake Travis

    My BF and I are going to take a weekend trip to Lake Travis as an add on to an upcoming work trip to Austin. Any suggested activities around that area that we should do?

    • Anonymous

      Others may disagree, but I’d extend your trip by spending the weekend in and around the downtown area. Lake Travis is nice, but aside from the Oasis Megaplex, there’s not a ton to do other than water sports and I’m not sure what time of year you’ll be going. If you do decide to go to Lake Travis, drop in on Hippie Hollow :)

      • SW

        I agree with this. I think there’s a zipline or something now, but there is not much else to really do around Lake Travis.

    • NA

      It totally depends on what you want to do. Lake Travis is HUGE and Anonymous at 10:21 is only speaking about a small area. The southwest area has a couple nice state parks and quite a few wineries and barbecue restaurants. If you are wanting to do lake activities, you can a rent a boat, jet ski, stand up paddleboard, etc. If you want to party, stay downtown.

    • ATXanon

      I’d recommend going to Marble Falls or maybe out the 290 wine trail instead of just Lake Travis. More charm in my opinion. For that matter, go to Johnson City and see LBJ’s childhood home and ranch.

  2. Laser Hair Removal

    I think I’m going to do a brazilian laser hair removal. Has anyone done it and how uncomfortable was it? I’ve been doing brazilian waxes for about a year. Is it worse than that?

    • Anon for this

      I did it for a medical condition. It was very painful but I have very sensitive skin. I used lidocane cream before. After a number of sessions they try to up the power or double over the area and I ended up getting some burns. This reaction isn’t that common. I was a dermatological surgeons office though so I don’t think they were breaching the standard of care in anyway. Once I had maybe 5 professional sessions, they transitioned me to using a home system that they sell online and at Sephora. I think it is called Tria. I still use lidocane and cooling cream before. I probably would not have stuck with it if it was just for cosmetic reasons. The final result is I still have regrowth but my bikini line is a lot less noticeable and the Brazilian part is finer and lighter. I will never be bald though. I was starting with fairly dark brown hair.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve done it. The place where I get it done let’s you add in a numbing spray for an extra $5 and I use that option. It was still painful but it’s pretty quick, 5-7 minutes or so. I once heard laser hair removal described as a rubber band snapping against your skin and I think that is pretty accurate. Compared to waxing, it’s a little bit more painful but I think it’s only because it’s not as fast. But it’s absolutely worth it. Hair does come back, but it’s much finer and comes back at a slower pace.

        • Anonymous

          I’m the anon at 10:11. Yes, I go back for a touch up every six months. Also, I have dark hair and medium skin tone.

          • Lynn

            That doesn’t seem too bad, considering the other options are waxing (monthly) and shaving (daily). But darn, I was really hoping for a permanent, never-think-about-it-again solution.

    • Anonymous

      Is laser hair removal still limited to people with dark hair? The last time I looked into it they said it doesn’t work on blondes/redheads.

    • nutella

      In my opinion, it is way less pain than a wax. I had been getting waxed for ~10 years (ethnically come from two very hirsute peoples). I think the biggest reason why it is far better is because it is (1) shorter (you have to get in position for the hair to be pulled from various angles so it is done properly for wax but here, they just need to be able to press the machine on your skin; (2) after visit 1, I was already seeing less hair; (3) to get a wax, you have to have a good amount of growth for it to be yanked out, here nothing is yanked out, it’s just a tiny rubber band snapping against you. It doesn’t feel ‘good’ but if you put a wax at 10, then I’d put a braz laser at 4/5. Everyone has different sensitivities, though, not just to pain but to location. For me, the most uncomfortable place is the inside. It is also nice to be able to shave what grows out of that area (I am halfway through treatment), whereas before the hair was so thick that shaving would be a lot of pain and razor burn – hence why I had been getting waxed for years. Unfortunately, I do not think my hair stopped growing or got thinner with waxing, but it has so far with laser. I wholeheartedly recommend.

  3. Bral*ttes

    I’m looking for a comfy bral*tte with some lining. All the ones I’ve seen look so thin, but I would like more modesty and a bit of support for C cups. Any recs?

    • AIMS

      So weird suggestion but – I got these nursing bras at target that sound like they would be perfect for what you’re looking for. No wire, un lined, very supportive, totally modest but very pretty (prettier in person than online) and you can just keep the clasps closed and never know it’s a nursing bra. They wash and wear really well – I’ve basically lived in them since last winter. I almost never buy multiples of anything but I ended up buying 4 at once. They seem to be mostly sold out now and I’m actually sad because I really like them and would love to keep wearing them post-baby.
      They run large, fyi. I am usually a D cup, sometimes more and medium was perfect. But I also have a narrow frame so maybe that’s part of it. Anyway, seems like they only have the silver color in M and everything else is larger, but try it. I think I’m actually going to order one more now just to have on hand! http://www.target.com/p/women-s-nursing-bralette-gilligan-o-malley/-/A-16796212

    • anon

      I’m a 32C. I’ve bought a bunch of inexpensive bralettes, when they’re thin sometimes I’ll add in those soft cups that fall out of my sports bras. Still have the comfort of a bralette, with more coverage.

    • Anonymous

      Chantelle vous et moi wireless – technically a bra, but the only non-wired one I’ll wear in public.

  4. Two Cents

    I don’t like this dress at all. The ruffle combined with poly makes it look cheap.

    • anon-oh-no

      agreed. The Carolina Herrera dress is lovely, but its wool. This one is ugly.

    • S in Chicago

      Totally agree. I’d go further and say “cheap fancy.”

      It looks like a cheap cocktail dress. Like someone bought low-end evening attire and is trying to pass it off as office attire.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I like the bottom half of the dress with the ruffle, but the top part with the twisted fabric is what makes it look cheap to me.

  5. DC coach

    Any leads on an excellent career coach in DC? DH has received some feedback that he needs to work better with his staff (he’s an executive). I’m not sure a career coach is the right person as I have never used one or if there is someone else who better fits the bill.

    • anonshmanon

      Until he finds a coach, I recommend typing in some typical issues (preferably more precise than “get along”) into the ask a manager-website. There is a lot of useful reading there.

  6. DC coach

    Looking for suggestions on a great career coach in DC. DH received some feedback that he needs to get along better with his staff, and this seems to be a recurring issue. Thanks in advance.

  7. Wanderlust

    What are the hive’s thoughts on “cold shoulder” shirts and dresses. Is it a passing trend? If I take engagement pictures in one of these dresses, will it look dated in a few years?

    • ace

      Definitely short-term trend (and i remember it from the early 90s!) Do not wear for engagement photos.

    • Anonymous

      YES. Also I can’t be the only person who thinks that looks totally stupid. If it’s warm enough for a sweater or sweaterdress, it’s way too cold to have your shoulders exposed.

      • AIMS

        I think it’s cute but I also thought it was cute in the late 80s and early 90s and am still annoyed I never got to wear it then. Agree that it will look too dated in engagement pictures.

    • Anon today

      Yes, cold shouldered tops/dresses are a flash in the pan, but I think it’s kind of fun if your engagement photos look dated in a few years. It certainly will provide your kids more entertainment and will make for a better 40th anniversary slide show.

      This seems like as good a chance as any to ask a question that’s been on my mind for years (since I was engaged, myself, in 2003): does anyone actually keep/look at their engagement photos after the wedding? I get that many photographers include the shoot in their package or that people want to have a nice photo for a save the date, but wouldn’t you rather display a picture of yourselves beaming on your wedding day than posing a little awkwardly in autumn leaves? I realize this question is sounding judge-y– and is based on my own decision not to do an engagement photo shoot– but I’m sincerely curious.

      • Anonymous

        I think people sometimes like having a photo of themselves looking closer to normal than all done up in wedding finery.

      • Anonymous

        We made an album of the engagement pictures with blank pages and had people sign that as our guestbook at the wedding, and we used one of our favorite engagement photos on our save-the-date, which we have framed alongside our invitation. We got married in a destination that’s special to us but not where we live, and we did our engagement shoot in the same destination. I actually like my engagement photos a lot more than my wedding photos (it’s a long story, but the wedding photos came out pretty badly for several reasons) so I’m happy to have some nice photos of us in that special place.

      • rosie

        I will start by saying that we don’t have any photos of ourselves as a couple displayed in our house. We have all our engagement & wedding photos digitally. I do like looking back at the engagement photos–a location that we love, we’re dressed casually (and I didn’t have hair/makeup professionally done), our dog got to be in some of the photos, and we were relaxed. I don’t know if we would have done it if it hadn’t been included in our package, but I’m glad to have the photos now. Plus it was a chance to get more comfortable with our photog and her assistant/husband, so it may have helped us be more at ease with the wedding photos.

      • Cat

        I still have one framed engagement picture out, in our bedroom; it’s a 5×7. It’s a fantastic picture of both of us and I actually prefer my makeup to my wedding-day professional makeup (why I didn’t insist on doing my own mascara………. grrrrr.)

      • Walnut

        My engagement photos prominently featured our beloved dog who has now passed away. I cherish those photos and they are what hangs on the wall.

    • CMT

      Realistically your photos are going to look dated no matter what, so why not just go with what you want to do right now?

      • Cat

        Eh. There’s a difference between inevitable change in styles, vs. choosing a look that had a one-year shelf life in the first place.

  8. Lafayette gal

    Thoughts on this suit (both blazer and skirt) worn together? I really like both pieces and would wear them separately, but I was curious if anyone thought it was too much to wear them together, given the print.

  9. Anonymous

    What’s the best place you’ve ever snorkeled? I’m helping a friend plan her honeymoon and great snorkeling is a high priority.

    • Anonymous

      Depends if she wants to snorkel off the beach at the resort (St. Lucia) or via boat tours to coral reefs (Cancun + Belize)

    • Amanda

      Hands down Bermuda. Great Barrier Reef was amazing, too – but I had bad weather and lower visibility than normal.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve snorkled in both Silfra in Iceland (AWESOME but the actually snorkeling time is limited) and around the Phi Phi Islands in Thailand in the past year, both of which were awesome. I did it in Bermuda many years ago and enjoyed that as well.

      • Anonymous

        I would definitely not do Thailand for snorkeling. I was in the Phi Phi Islands earlier this year and the snorkeling was terrible. Koh Tao had better snorkeling than Koh Phi Phi but still not impressive to someone who has snorkeled in Hawaii or the Caribbean a few times. There is a lot I like about Thailand but I would not recommend it for anyone who is a serious snorkeler and wants good snorkeling.

    • Bonnie

      We had a great time snorkeling on our honeymoon in Aruba. There’s a sunken ship in not too deep water just a short boat ride away. FWIW, we stayed at the Bucuti and had an amazing time. Their honeymoon package includes things like dinner served on the beach.

    • Anon in NYC

      Belize (Ambergris Caye) was amazing. The water was clear and everything was really vibrant. I went to French Polynesia and they had had some sort of sea life that killed a lot of the coral and everything was more drab.

      • mascot

        +1 for Belize. We were further south toward Dangriga and the snorkeling was phenomenal. We basically saw every fish on the 2 page fish chart in the resort shop. You can’t snorkel from shore though; you need to take a boat.

      • Anonymous

        +2

        I just spent a week scuba diving at Turneffe Island Resort in Belize, and I think it would be a great honeymoon spot. Turneffe is WAY less built up than Ambergris – the resort itself is on a secluded private island, and all the dive sites are a 5-10 minute boat ride. I would assume the snorkling is the same deal, and I do know they took people out daily – I think twice, depending on interest? Loads of fish, turtles, eels, etc. – we even saw some dolphins while diving. You can rent a spear and hunt lionfish while diving, which was basically my favorite thing ever. They do a weekly trip to the Blue Hole and Half Moon Caye, and that was stunning. We dove every day, but there are other activities for non-divers (and they have people that come down just to fish). Staff is super nice, rooms were lovely – not cheap, but I would highly recommend it.

        Bonaire has fantastic diving, and I would assume snorkeling, but the island itself is ugly. It’s definitely worth it if you’re super into diving/snorkling – but if you’re looking for pretty beaches and other activities, go elsewhere.

        Fiji is also great for diving/snorkeling, if they’re looking to do the South Pacific route.

    • Anonymous

      Bora Bora was probably the best (although “best” is kind of subjective and depends on what you care about – I value clear water and fish that are close to my face more than some people do, while other people care the most about diversity of marine life or total fish count). Hawaii, especially the Big Island, is a close second. I thought the Great Barrier Reef was overrated, but that was mostly because the waves were so strong I couldn’t see anything. I have heard from people who’ve gone recently that it’s gotten very damaged and bleached though.

      • Tetra

        Hawaii snorkeling was really awesome, but the water is much colder than it is in the Caribbean, so be aware of that.

      • Killer Kitten Heels

        +1 to the Big Island. It was our first time snorkeling and I’m no snorkeling expert, but we swam 50 feet out from our resort and were basically swimming side by side with sea turtles. It was amazing.

    • Sydney Bristow

      Great Barrier Reef. We took a boat with about 40 people from Port Douglas out to the reef and they had both scuba and snorkeling options. I saw tons of really colorful fish, a couple of sea turtles, and many varieties of coral.

      We went to Australia on our honeymoon and it was 100% perfect. I also highly recommend renting a house at Oak Beach (not far from Port Douglas and Cairns). It’s basically a private beach because there’s so few houses on the spit of land.

    • Editrix

      St. John! Turtles and eagle rays off the beaches, and a great underwater trail to follow in Trunk Bay.

      • OfCounsel

        Huahine in French Polynesia. It was like swimming in a giant, warm tropical fish aquarium. Tikehau was also nice but much more current to fight and it seemed better suited to scuba. I snorked other islands in French Polynesia too, but Huanhine was the best.

  10. Republican in MA

    I am normally a republican voter who cannot stomach trump. I am weighing my options and am thinking voting 3rd party (vs not voting vs HRC). I’m in Massachisetts where there is no question of Hillary winning (we don’t even see political ads!). Could someone tell me if a Johnson vote in MA somehow risks Trump winning? I cannot believe my vote (or frankly, people like me) are enough to create a split that would cause Trump to win MA.

    • Anonymous

      No, it’s really unlikely that your vote in MA will throw the election to trump. Voting for Johnson sends the same message as not voting- you’d rather have no impact than demonstrate that you are so repulsed by your party that you are voting for the most qualified person ever. Like, I think it’s stupid, but it won’t actually matter.

      • bridget

        There’s a meme that Hillary is the most qualified person to ever run for President, and it’s plain wrong.

        George Washington? James Madison? Heck, a successful incumbent President. The 14 VPs who became President. A successful state governor.

        She was an abject failure as Secretary of State. That she served does not make her qualified.

        Can we stop dumbing down our expectations of women? Seriously, Sarah Palin was more qualified – because she did her job well.

        • Never too many shoes...

          I’m sorry, Bridget, but are you possibly drunk? Because examples like Sarah Palin and VPs (the job being famously referred to as “not being worth a warm bucket of spit”) make me wonder…

        • Anonymous

          Palin isn’t nowhere near the same ballpark at HRC. Palin didn’t even manage to complete a single term at one of the least populated states.

          Seriously though – the Arizona Republic newspaper which has never in its history since 1890, endorsed a Democrat until Clinton, says this in its endorsement :

          “Clinton knows how to compromise and to lead with intelligence, decorum and perspective. She has a record of public service as First Lady, senator and secretary of state. She has withstood decades of scrutiny so intense it would wither most politicians. The vehemence of some of the anti-Clinton attacks strains credulity.”

          Pretty sure your suggestion that Palin is more qualified than HRC is exactly the kind of thing they are talking about in the last sentence.

        • Care

          You could have possibly had a solid argument that I would have spent some time thinking about because “one of the most qualified” might make more sense, but then I read that last line and you totally lost me.

          • Anonymous

            Yeah, this. I don’t think HRC is the most qualified person to run for President EVER, but I think she is incredibly qualified and the comparison to Palin – who had no experience on the national stage, knew nothing about foreign policy, didn’t read a newspaper, etc. and was so utterly unqualified that her selection as VP nominee led to the implosion of a well-regarded and eminently qualified Presidential nominee – is beyond ludicrous.

        • This Alaskan thinks you must be high

          As an Alaskan, I can tell you that Sarah Palin most definitely did not do her job well. She didn’t even finish it! She resigned in the middle of her term to cash in on that sweet, sweet Fox News money.

        • Troll

          Bridget is a new troll– look at some of her old comments. This one, though ridiculous, isn’t as obviously bot-ish as some of her older posts. Just a troll, let’s ignore.

        • Marie

          Small-b Bridget: troll who likes to berate people and tell them they’re idiots.

    • Anonymous

      Honestly? Post- Brexit I’d be terrified that voting for anyone other than HRC.

      No one saw Brexit coming – it was the classic ‘won’t really happen’ talk – just like no one thought Trump would actually win the Republican nomination.

      Hold your nose, vote HRC and hope for a better Republican candidate in 4 years.

      • Anonymous

        This. I’ve been saying since Brexit that America on November 9th is going to be Britain the day after Brexit. “OMG I didn’t think it would actually happen! I wish we could have a do-over.” Um…there are no do-overs. Nov. 8th is your only chance to keep this psychopath out of office.

        Vote for HRC and for Republicans down ballet. State and local politicians are more influential in a lot of ways. Plus, if Trump is resoundingly defeated it’s a lot more likely the GOP will come up with a more reasonable candidate in four years.

        • Anon

          This is what I’ll be doing – HRC for prez, GOP for everything else. Reason being – if you have GOP in the House/Senate and a Dem prez, not much change will happen anyway — and that’s what I want, keep the status quo for 4 more yrs and then see what happens.

          • Masshole Republican

            +1 million.

            The only insurance policy against Trump is a vote for HRC, regardless of your state and its likelihood to swing one way or the other. Also, I encourage you to explore outside of Routes 128 and 495, if you haven’t already. There are an insane (and concerning) number of Trump supporters outside of the city and inner burbs. Where I am from, out in the boonies, presidential lawn signs were never a thing. Now there are Trump signs EVERYWHERE. This election is inspiring people from both sides to vote for the first time. I’d hate to find that first-timers for Trump outnumber first-timers for HRC and end up with a Red win for Massachusetts because I assumed that was ‘impossible.’

          • Anon at 10:38

            Sorry, that wasn’t very clear. A few disaster-prepping sites (which I don’t normally feed into) have articles predicting a couple weeks of a lack of supplies in stores (not so much the lack of running water/electricity scenario) immediately after the election results are announced, and then again when/if Trump takes office.

          • Anonymous

            OMG no. Are you insane?!? Trump getting elected will not lead to disruption in the supply chain.

          • Sydney Bristow

            Anon at 10:38, why do they expect that to happen? I can’t imagine what the reasoning is.

        • Anon

          I am so, so scared about this. I want to think it will be fine, but I can’t believe we’ve gotten this far and the GOP continues to stand by trump.

          • Anon

            Yep. I have finally given into my husband’s dream of doing some cautious disaster prepping, because I am actually concerned that something like that could happen (hopefully temporarily, but possibly not) if Trump is elected.

          • Anonymous

            something like what could happen? I’m confused about what you’re prepping for? Stock market crash?

          • Bonnie

            We’re really concerned too especially since we live in D.C. With all the cr4aziness that this election has unleashed, we plan on staying away from the Mall on election day and inauguration day.

          • Potomac Ave

            Another person in DC who is also concerned.

            100% same situation for us as for Bonnie.

      • Suburban

        Agree. Just overheard over the cubicle wall that these idiots hate trump, think he’s stupid and “might get us all killed,” but are voting for him because “everyone knows it’s rigged for Hillary anyway.” Why are we playing chicken with our future?

        • Anon

          I also know people who are treating the election as a “pick the winner” horse race activity. As in – Trump’s going to win and I want to vote for the winner so I’m voting Trump. Um – ok. That’s not the purpose of this exercise. They’ve bought into the whole “be a winner” theme.

          • anon-oh-no

            Anonymous 10:38: unfortunately, it is NOT the stupidest thing ive ever heard surrounding this election

          • Runner 5

            It’s better than “I voted for this but didn’t think it would actually happen”.

            Yes, I am still angry about Brexit, how did you tell?

        • Anonymous

          Because for those people it’s not “their future” that will be affected. They’re playing chicken with other people’s futures. The likelihood that a Trump presidency negatively affects upper middle class white people is slim to none. They’re playing with house money.

          • Anonymous

            I don’t know about that. I agree with you that minorities and lower class people have more at stake, but my biggest fear about Trump is that he’s going to nuke someone who makes fun of him. Nuclear war would be pretty bad for all of us.

          • Anon

            I’m the person who commented that I know people who view this as a “pick the winner horse race” and yes I too am terrified. And NO you cannot assume that their futures will NOT be affected. As the poster above says -if someone is “mean” to Donald and he drops a bomb in response, that pretty much affects us all. Even if it’s not that extreme — these people doing the “horse race” are NOT white. We are talking Muslims living in Texas — I’m hoping it’s just a handful of inordinately dumb or in denial Muslims who STILL think Donald is just saying what he’s saying about Muslims to win the vote. But as a “regular” – not in denial about how people view us – Muslim, I think they’re just dumb and shooting all of us in the foot. I’m just thankful that they DON’T live in a swing state. Tx is solidly red anyway, so whatever.

          • Suburban

            Yeah- these folks were neither white nor upper middle class. But I see what anon at 1034 is saying. I know plenty of white people voting for trump out of racism or an absolute refusal to even consider the impact of his racist rhetoric on the rest of us.

          • nutella

            You can not care at all about minorities, women, gay rights, trade agreements, stability in geopolitics, etc. and still have your future very much affected by a Trump election as an upper class white guy in a negative way. Brexit- the actual exit – hasn’t even happened yet and yet the markets swing because of it. That’s because markets are a reaction to people’s confidence about the economy and the country, whether or not it’s true. They are, by nature, reactionary. If you are an upper middle class white Trump voter, chances are you have money in the stock market, and chances are such volatile swings will not be good for your portfolio, particularly so close to retirement, as a large block of these upper class white men are. A Trump election will absolutely swing the market, affecting even the rich who don’t care about others/the greater good.

      • Sydney Bristow

        This is my exact fear. I actually like Gary Johns0n (and my husband is planning to vote for him) but I will be voting for HRC. I don’t want to be one of those people who didn’t expect Brexit to happen so they did nothing about it.

        • Bremainer

          Are you talking to people about why you’re voting HRC not GOP? Because if not you’re still not doing all that much.

          • Sydney Bristow

            Of course I am. I truly feel that Trump would be incredibly harmful to our country. It has led to some heated discussions with a few family members. People seem to hate Clinton because she is a liar, but it doesn’t bother them about Trump. In my view, Clinton is completely competent to hold the office and I think she will do a good job.

          • Bremainer

            Great! I asked only because a big problem here was that Bremainers weren’t talking about it with Brexiters

        • Anonymous

          Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t you a Dem who was a big Bernie supporter? I don’t even know why you’d be considering Johns0n. Bernie and Hillary are way more closely aligned on the issues than either of them is with Trump or Johns0n.

          • Anonymous

            Yeah if you’re a Bernie fan who is now voting for Johnson you’re an idiot.

          • Sydney Bristow

            I’m a democrat who voted for Bernie. I just said that I like Johns0n, not that I was truly considering voting for him. I do like some of the things he supports, like the legalization of p0t and a focus on space exploration. But like I said, I’m voting for Clinton.

    • Anonymous

      Statistically Hillary is extremely unlikely to lose Massachusetts, and if she does so she will have lost the election by such a landslide that Massachusetts itself won’t matter. That said, anything’s possible, and the only way to ensure you don’t contribute to the possibility of Trump winning is to vote HRC. Keep in mind that your vote also counts for the popular vote, which isn’t done on a state-by-state basis. Do you care about sending a message to Trump and his supporters that Americans reject him and his terrible brand of bigotry? If so, the best way to do that is by sending Hillary to the White House with a large margin of the popular vote, and your vote counts for that as much as anybody else’s.

      • Anon

        Is that the only time the popular vote matters – for messaging? For the life of me I can’t figure out why anyone even bothers to vote (ever – not just this time) bc most states are as red or blue as they can be. It’s only the 4-5 swing states where it ends up mattering.

        • Anonymous

          “Is that the only time the popular vote matters – for messaging?”
          Yes, but a lot of people think the message matters. Especially this year.

          • Anon in NYC

            Yep. Remember Bush in 2000? He didn’t win the popular vote and everybody (Dems) kept saying he didn’t have a mandate to do whatever he wanted. Then in 2004 he won the popular vote and the GOP went on and on about how he had a mandate to enact the policies he wanted to roll out.

        • AIMS

          I think that in this particular election it does matter more because Trump doesn’t have the traditional GOP support necessarily and some of his supporters would have voted for dems in the past. I recently met a man (in NYC!) who told me that he gave money to HRC when she ran for senate here but will be voting for Trump because she “lacks the testosterone to be president” – true story, no shame when he said this, and is what really makes me nervous in this election.

          Also as someone who thinks we should get rid of the electoral college and just do this by popular vote – the only way that will happen is if there are enough elections where the two don’t correspond and for that, everyone should vote even if their state is super blue or super red.

          • Sydney Bristow

            This is my issue with protest votes. We’ll never break the 2 party system (which I would like to see happen) unless vast numbers of people start voting for 3rd party candidates. Normally I’d be on board with that, but this year it seems too risky.

          • anon

            What I would like to see is for the third parties to put in the leg work in the non-election years to become legitimate options.

            I understand that people want a third option, but I don’t actually *want* Johnson or Stein. Neither of these individuals have done anything to earn my vote or give me confidence that they could competently achieve their objectives once in office even if they were elected. (Esp. Stein; at least Johnson has governing experience; but see, libertarian).

            It blows my mind that Stein shows up every 4 years begging for votes. Maybe build up a solid party first? Hold any office? Show me you can accomplish something? That you understand how the process works? That you have the necessary networks and relationships to get things done? It’s essentially the same argument Trump is making- “I’m different, I’m not what “the establishment” wants you to vote for, so vote for me for those reasons.” Bottom line, there are other ways to demonstrate that voters want a third party and that a third party can be viable.

        • Anon

          Probably too late for most people to see this, but you vote for so much more than President. You vote for local, state, and federal representatives. Those people, as others have said, have a lot more impact on your day-to-day life, and you should absolutely vote even if the electoral college renders your state moot in the presidential contest.

          I can’t stand it when people say “I don’t see the point of voting.” If that’s true, then you don’t see the point of democracy. Go take a civics class. Or go live in an authoritarian country and tell me that the ability of citizens to influence their government via voting doesn’t matter.

    • ace

      Go o gle “protest vote” — there are so many reasons not to do it, particularly this year. If you don’t want President T*R*U*M*P vote for HRC.

    • Anon

      Is there ANYTHING that can happen now that will turn people AWAY from Trump? If so, what? I know (just know – not friends with) who are SOOO mired with the “HRC is corrupt” and “OMG EMAILS” that they CAN NOT vote for anyone but Donald. They are also in the rural south, evangelical, conservative etc. and while I always suspected, now I know for sure that they believe that America was better off 50 yrs ago when it looked different and all these yrs they were just being “polite” to people like me bc it was “expected.”

      For people like this I think there is NOTHING that can be done. But is there something that can swing Trump voters now or is it just too late? Would it be Paul Ryan saying he won’t vote for Trump (will never happen)? I mean the Bushes saying it did nothing. Will it be 2 more debates with a poor showing?

      I mean when I saw the post-debate NBC focus group in Ohio where that one woman called Trump a name (not putting it in bc it’ll force this not to post) and said she’d STILL vote for him bc OMG EMAILS — I was like — ok there is no changing minds.

      • long time lurker

        Trump has himself said he could shoot someone in the street and people will still vote for him.

        And to put my two cents in. Even if he doesn’t get “baited” to launch a nuclear weapon, his inability to control his temper, his harsh viewpoints and complete lack of empathy for his fellow man will be a disaster in the global stage when he alienates our long term allies and makes more enemies. Like it or not, the USA is part of global economy and relationships between countries matter – not just trade, but working with our allies on terrorism, etc.

        Domestically – Social security is in danger. Healthcare is in danger. And the SUPREME COURT – don’t even get me started.

        I get the third part thing. But this is not the year.

        • Anonymous

          The nuclear risk is not so much that he himself will launch a weapon but his clearly expressed support in the debate for nuclear proliferation which is contrary to the policy of the USA since nuclear weapons were INVENTED. With nuclear proliferation, you run a significant risk that regime change in another country will result in nuclear usage or that there will be theft of nuclear weaponry because the more places with nuclear weapons, the more difficult it is to protect them all from non-state actor access.

          I’m not worried Trump will launch a weapon, I’m worried he won’t actively work with our allies to prevent nuclear proliferation and ISIS or another horrible non-state actor will get their hands on one.

        • Anonymous

          My friends who work in fields adjacent to national security say he has already done a great deal of damage to US/world security simply by being the nominee.

        • CKB

          I am Canaidan and I am so terrified of what will happen on the world stage if Trump is elected president. Both economics and military.

          • Pound

            I am also Canadian and am also terrified T-rump will win. If you are undecided please vote HRC. Canada will thank you.

    • NYNY

      I’m going to disagree with the prevailing view here. With the Electoral College in place, MA is safe for Hillary, so your vote is meaningful only as the message it sends. You get to choose what thatmessage is.

      – No presidential vote: “I’m not satisfied with my choices this year, and I believe the system is broken”
      – HRC: “Trump never”
      – Johnson: “I know that he isn’t going to be president, but he represents my view better than anyone else in the race, and I believe we need to open up the two-party system”

      If you were in a swing state, I’d tell you that any vote not for HRC is a vote for Trump, but you aren’t, so it isn’t.

      • Anonymous

        Opening up the two party system won’t happen because a third party gets a couple more percentage of the vote. No one will remember in 3 years whether Johnson got 4/6/8/10% of the vote. A real third party system needs to start at the grass roots level. Start electing independent or third party candidates locally and to Congress and then work towards running a competitive presidential candidate.

      • Anonymous

        No presidential vote can also be “I’m too lazy to go vote” or “I don’t care” or “I’m too uninformed to make a decision.” Why would you assume that not voting means dissatisfaction with the system as opposed to apathy? That’s actually the problem with not voting; it doesn’t send any kind of message.

        • NYNY

          Anon at 12:49, I was addressing the OP’s situation specifically. Don’t be a jerk.

        • Blonde Lawyer

          I don’t agree with not voting but the no vote I have heard proposed as a message is where you go and vote for all the other categories of politicians being elected but just skip the presidential box. I don’t advocate that but it is a step better than not voting for anything at all.

          • NYNY

            Yes, this. If a large number of people choose not to vote for president, but do cast votes for the downballot races, the election analysts will see it and it will send a message.

          • Anonymous

            But like even if what you said is true, that’s hardly news. Unless these ‘election analysts’ are hiding under a rock they, like most people, know that there is a significant portion of the American electorate that is dissatisfied with the options. That information is not new but it is irrelevant because the election is for President and either Trump or HRC will win. If you or OP want third parties to matter – they have to be elected at local/state/congressional levels and build towards the Presidency in future years.

        • Anonymous

          there is a difference between no voting and just not voting for president

      • Anonymous

        The only thing a vote for Johnson says is “I like weed so much I’m willing to risk nuclear proliferation so that my support for Johnson is known.”

    • nutella

      Fast forward yourself into the future and imagine (if you can in the morning) a Trump presidency. Will you be able to tell yourself (or your kids) in the face of blatant intolerance and racism, hateful rhetoric you wouldn’t repeat yourself or want your children to, unstable markets, normalized s#xist views of women, backwards/isolationish geopolitical thinking, extremist Supreme Court judges for 30+ years (that would be extreme to 80% of the people, including you, as this is not a normal candidate) that …you voted Gary Johnson or didn’t vote? (Both throwaways – I know, you don’t think it’s fair, but we have to deal with the reality we have, my dear) That you effectively voted FOR Trump because you simply didn’t ‘like’ Hillary Clinton? I am willing to bet that she is likable enough for you. I am willing to bet that you can see these candidates are not at the same level and even if you don’t like them both that you can see one is better than the other. (Once again, we have two options here.) Even if he doesn’t win, do you want to be the one who votes for Trump? As for not voting, not only have women barely had the vote for very long but many people in our world still cannot vote. You can. You should. And you have the responsibility to do what you believe is best. Johnson/Stein/not voting is the same as sitting on your hands, until our system is changed. It won’t change in 2 months, unfortunately. Your vote matters. Don’t waste it.

    • Trish

      I will vote for Hilary. But a third party vote is never throwing your vote away! Johnson will have impact on policy in the future if he gets a significant number of votes. Vote your conscience and you will be just fine.

      • Anonymous

        Johnson is clueless on foreign policy and eminently unqualified to be President. A vote for him is a vote that says “I care more about pot legalization than about America’s place on the global stage.”

        • Anonymous

          He’s not even taking his candidacy seriously – dude seriously didn’t know where Aleppo was? Most of us know that and we’re not running for president or are pretending to be well informed. If he intended to be a serious candidate and was serious about being included in the debates, he should at least follow current events. He’s not going to have much impact on policy because he doesn’t really care and he’s not really trying. If he is trying, he’s doing a horrible job.

      • anon

        Johnson can have an impact on policy *now* if he’s willing to put in the leg work. Getting “enough” votes during the election is absolutely not his only option for gaining influence.

        Does your conscience include risking harm to actual people so that you can shout into the wind? Mine doesn’t.

      • anonymous

        That depends on whether you really want Johnson to be president b/c you believe in him or whether you’re voting for him as a protest vote.

      • Anon

        I mean if you believe in a guy who doesn’t know where major countries are located on the globe, sure, go right ahead.

      • nutella

        Sidney Bristow said differently because it is not a normal year. If you don’t think Trump is a true plague not just on our nation but on our world, then by all means, vote GJ or JS or don’t vote. But you would be wrong. This isn’t just a normal election year where people side with one candidate over another. Ask the Arizona and Dallas papers that have historically (150+ years) endorsed conservative, Republican candidates why they are endorsing HRC this year. Ask the leagues of traditionally Repub. voters (OP included) why they won’t be voting Rep. the same way they have voted every.single.year.

        Dan Savage had a rant about third party candidates that I think is worthwhile: if you want a multi-party system, then advocate for it and grow it at the lower levels. Trying to do it once every 4 years just for president because you don’t 100% agree on every single point with the two candidates (honestly, who in the world DO you agree with on every.single.thing???) is just plain silly and whiney. Two parties are the reality, vote for one.

        • Meredith Grey

          thnx, Nutella. I’m going to use these talking points before my head explodes…

  11. kk

    Is this dress meant to be empire or at your natural waist? I am long-waisted, and everything hits me at my ribcage and then flares out over my actual waist, which makes me look much wider than I really am- this dress looks like it would exacerbate that problem for most women. On the other hand, now I’m reconsidering that Karen Kane dress- looks like it would be great for plane travel with coworkers!

    • Anonymous

      I am long-waisted and have the same problem even with empire-waist dresses, as they typically have some shaping below the waist seam. I take all my dresses to the tailor to have them taken in at the waist. This typically works best with dresses that have darts or have space to add them. Weird curvy seams in the waist area don’t work so well.

  12. Epcot Food & Wine Fest

    I am going to the Epcot International Food & Wine Fest for the first time on Saturday. What do I need to know? I don’t drink, so I feel like that saves me tons of dough. Any other first timer tips?

  13. Colombia solo travel?

    I’ve been invited to a wedding in Cartagena in February. I’m thinking about turning the trip into a longer winter getaway. If I have one week, what else should I see in Colombia with cartagena as the base? Or is there enough to do there to stay for a week?

    I speak Spanish and would be traveling alone. Late 30s, have traveled to over 30 countries so I’m a fairly savvy traveler, but I don’t know much about the area and would love recs. TIA!

    • waffles

      I visited Cartagena a few years ago as a solo traveler. I was only there for a day (was part of a business trip). The old city was great, but I think you could spend ~2 days max – it’s not super big. I hired a guide who took me to a few other great sites, which were still in the city but outside the old walls. It was helpful to have a driver, as I wouldn’t have been able to navigate the city myself.
      I’ve heard about a great mud volcano which is an easy day trip from Cartagena, but I haven’t tried it. Worth doing some research though! I think that’s the big excursion for cruise ships that dock at the port.

      I stayed at the LM hotel. Had the room on the ground floor – was a bit noisy with the kitchen next door, but I had the most amazing hotel bathroom EVER. I even took a video – will post separately.

  14. big girls anonymous

    Does anyone have thoughts on losing weight while remaining body positive? I have been fat my entire life. I say this as a self-descriptor and not an insult, as I have spent most of my 32 years coming to terms with my body and learning to love myself (because as RuPaul says, if you can’t love yourself, how in the h*ll are you gonna love anybody else?). I very strongly believe in body positivity, no body is a bad body, etc. That said, I think I am finally in a place where I want to eat healthier and move more for me, not because of societal pressures, but I can’t help feeling like a traitor to the fat girl movement, y’know? I also have no idea how to start. I mean, I intellectually know the basics, but overcoming a lifetime of not great habits seems so daunting. I have access to a gym at work, but I literally grew up eating fast food most meals (dad worked for a chain) and my go-to when I’m tired and stressed is still to binge on convenience/junk food.

    I know the answer is just to start somewhere, but any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

    • Ellen

      Do NOT fret, if you set reasonable goal’s, you can make it. My dad did NOT like it that I had a tuchus, so he got me a FITBIT, and monitor’s me remotely through his I-MAC at home. He can see if I work out or not, and how many steps I am doeing. If it was NOT for him, I would NOT have lost so many pound’s, particularley in my tuchus. Now I am abel to share dresses with Rosa, and it is all b/c HE motivated me by telling me that I needed a smaller tuchus to attract men to Marry me. That has still NOT happenend, but I am forever gratful to him for makeing me loose my tuchus.

      You can too. Just be reasonable in your goals, and if you have a dad that buys you a fitbit, he can monitor you like my dad did for me. YAY for FITBIT!!!!!

      • OP here

        Can I just say: my first time asking a question and I got an Ellen comment, I feel truly blessed.

    • big girls anonymous

      On a related note, shout out to Kat for including plus size alternatives as much as possible. I’m just out of grad school, in a new career, and am working on cultivating my personal style. This has definitely helped.

    • Canadienne

      Breakfast! Seriously, start with breakfast. Decide what qualifiers you are looking for in a breakfast calories/fat/protein/complex carbs etc then develop a breakfast that fits within those parameters. Eat the same breakfast every day if you can. Then you have started each day well and at least have some good in you if things go off track for dinner or lunch. Food should be focus #1 then slowly add in moderate exercise and build the intensity, frequency and duration over time.

    • Cb

      Focus on adding things to your life rather than taking them away. So for this week, you could have three mini goals – a 20 minute walk at lunchtime, replacing one of your normal meals with a salad, and eating an additional piece of fruit. As those become easier, you can think about doing more complex tasks (replacing an “unhealthy” meal with a veggie centred dish, learning new gym equipment or attending a class)

    • Suburban

      Good for you! Someone on this board ( I want to say senior attorney-apologies if I’m wrong) says you can’t hate yourself thin. I (and many others) have found that to be true. So try to keep your head in the same place.

      As far as practical advice, I can’t tell if you’re looking to shed weight, or just adopt healthier habits. For me, weight loss only happens with calorie tracking and that can feel really intense for a first timer. Maybe start with a few (short ) Exercise sessions each week and focus on incorporating a few veggie-heavy meals each week. I’d find what you like to do/ eat that aligns with your goals and focus on how you feel-rather than weight loss-for the first month or so. Baby steps.

      Good luck! Sorry for the novel but I’m refocusing on fitness after having a baby so this is on my mind.

      • big girls anonymous

        Thank you for the luck and the suggestions! I’m not NOT looking to lose weight (if that even makes sense, LOL) but I know my brain and I know if I make weight loss the #1 focus, that way leads unhealthy/obsessive brain patterns for me. So I’m trying to approach it as just adopting healthy habits and if weight loss happens to occur, great. (I’m large enough that weight would most likely come off fairly quickly at first and then taper off after a bit.) It’s semantics, but it makes sense in my head. I am going to download MyFitnessPal and just start writing down what I eat and go from there.

        I also agree so much with “you can’t hate yourself thin.” If you could, the years I spent hating myself as a teen/20something would have been very different. (A side rant, I read this book called “13 Ways of Looking at a Fat Girl” where the main character basically spends her entire adult life hating herself and obsessed with weight loss to the detriment of her friendships and her marriage, and it just made me furious and simultaneously sad for the author. Ain’t nobody got time for all of that.)

        • Suburban

          Aaah you’re so welcome. I would absolutely stay positive and find things you love or at least like, in both food and exercise. Maybe you’ll love listening to a podcast on the elliptical, or swimming, or basic weight training or Zumba. Maybe you love kale ceasar salad or spicy veggie chicken stir fry or salmon and broccoli. Make it fun, give it a month at least, then start counting calories and make an plan if you want to lose weight. Or just incorporate your new favorite things into your life.

        • cbackson

          Would you be motivated, from a fitness perspective, by picking a race or event to train for? In my city, there are a lot of groups that help beginners train for a first 5K (with run/walk intervals as an option for new runners). I know that for a lot of people the group camaraderie is a huge motivator, and then the race is a fun capstone that helps the achievement really feel concrete and real. I bet your city might have one as well (and people here might be able to help you identify it).

          And good for you. It is awesome to get into fitness (in all the forms that can mean) and realize all the cool stuff your body is capable of achieving!

          • big girls anonymous

            I love the idea of this, and I’m in DC, so I’m sure there are a ton of options. My only concern is running at my size from a joints perspective (but there are 300+ pound marathon runners out there, so who knows?).

            Thank you! I feel like I’ve hit a point where I’m tired of saying I can’t do xyz because of physical limitations. I’m pretty tough/resilient in other parts of my life, I don’t see why this should be any different.

          • Pound

            Ashtanga yoga and bikram yoga burn a ton of calories and are meditative. Not all yogis are slim, but most yogis gain muscle and burn fat. And inner peace…

          • Bonnie

            There are tons of events in DC. I sign up for a race every other month or so to motivate me to run. These days, I do run/walk and can attest to the fact that there are participants of all sizes and the events are motivating even for those of us who are slow and walk.

          • Anonymous

            And if a race is intimidating (is for me, I am very NOT competitive) – is there some other activity you’ve been wanting to try that you’ve put off because you feel like you can’t do it due to fitness level?

            Like – taking a tap class or adult ballet or some other activity that seems intimidating because its new? Those would be my “rewards” for working out – I’ll do the running so I have the stamina, but running by itself is he!!a boring for me, so I want to be able to use that stamina somewhere else :)

          • Katie

            I love all of this! I’m not a small woman, but I enjoy being active and experimenting with new and healthy food. These are fabulous suggestions! I’ve found that I really enjoy Zumba or the occasional hike outdoors – something where I’m having too much fun to realize that I’m working out. I prefer classes at the gym to working out by myself, for some reason the idea of solidarity helps me along, knowing others are sweating and groaning along with me. So, maybe try a class if that sounds appealing?

            I really like the idea of small goals – for me, the idea of “one less” is helpful. One less glass of wine, or one less cookie (or one MORE vegetable) makes swaps easy and I don’t feel like I’m denying myself.

        • Anon in NYC

          Someone on here recommended Rise (an app) where you take photos of your food and an R.D. provides feedback on your daily food. It’s not cheap (it’s ~$48/mo, I think), but it’s not calorie counting, if that is a little too obsessive for you. You can also select the style of coaching that you want (i.e., strict vs. encouraging).

          For me, personally, I generally know what to eat, but I really struggle with portion control and allowing treats to make up more of my diet than is really healthy. I have found it helpful for accountability. It doesn’t stop me from eating a donut for dessert, but it does make me pause and ask if I really need two (or three) donuts.

    • Anonymous

      Can I just tell you… this is my life story. Here’s where I am in my thinking right now (and if any of this is projecting, I really apologize but I have done so much thinking about this subject):

      Taking care of yourself *is* being body positive. And for me, taking care of myself means eating good healthy food, being active, and sleeping enough. I know the difference between the overweight version of me that has trouble walking up a flight of stairs and feels guilty after making that secret fast food stop on the way home from work and the overweight version of me that has energy, sleeps wells, and feels strong. I’m the same weight in either version, but if I’m being honest, it’s easier to really love myself when I feel good. And I typically feel better when I eat well.

      In terms of starting… I’ve done every diet ever. I’ve spent thousands on personal trainers and home workout equipment. You know what really did it for me? Watching documentaries on Netflix. Forks over Knives and Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead are two that really rocked me. Also, start with food. Make changes to the way you eat first. And the exercise will follow.

      And this is controversial, but I think about the way I eat unhealthy food as an addictive behavior like alcoholism (this is *for me*, others may have different experiences). So, in consultation with a doctor, I started taking phentarmine because I needed a kickstart and I needed help with the addictive part of my brain. After 2 months, I had developed healthy eating habits, seen some weight loss, and stopped taking it. But that allowed me to skip those critical first weeks where I typically throw everything out the window.

      • big girls anonymous

        Thank you! This is very helpful, particularly the point about food being an addiction. I am a textbook overeater. And oh man, “sleeping enough” is such a problem for me. I’m transitioning from grad school back into a work schedule where I need to be out the door by 7 AM, and it is a STRUGGLE. I’m constantly sleep deprived. And I’m also a stubborn child who despite her best intentions refuses to go to bed before 11. You see my problem.

        I’m going to write “taking care of yourself is body positive” and tack it up on my mirror or something, because that is the TRUTH. It’s not that I don’t care about being big, but that pales in comparison to feeling run down, creaky, out of breath, and just overall rubbish.

        • Anonymous

          Anon at 10:49 here.

          I feel like I could write about this forever, so I’m trying to reign myself in, but one more thing, especially if your focus is feeling better instead of weight loss- I am a person who gets overwhelmed with daily tracking of calories and weight and activity because I’m an all or nothing person when it comes to tracking. So if I miss a day or I gain a lb, I literally will revert back to eating terribly and being lethargic. If you’re like that, here’s the best advice I have for how to approach this- Weigh yourself once and write a list of the top 5 or 10 things about the way you *feel* in a given day, i.e. “1. Sad at night, 2. Short of breath, 3. Headaches in the afternoon, 4. Happy when I get home from work, 5. Wide awake in the middle of the night, 6. Knees ache walking to work, 7. Desire to eat salty food. Then put all of that in a place you won’t look at it for a while. Make the changes you want to make- whether it’s eating better, sleeping more or being more active. Focus on taking care of yourself rather than on counting calories or tracking steps. When it’s time to make a decision, make the one that shows you that you love yourself. And then after a month, or 2, or 6, (the amount of time should be long enough that you have developed consistency with the new habit) weigh yourself again and write a new list of things you feel in an average day. Compare the lists. Don’t fixate on it, but get a general sense of what’s gotten better, what’s gotten worse, and then put it all away again. Doing this once a month or once a quarter has been the most meaningful thing I’ve ever done for my well-being. Because it’s proof that taking care of yourself will make you feel better.

          • Sydney Bristow

            This is an excellent idea. I’m going to try it myself. That is such a better meaningful measure of how you are doing than weight or body measurements.

    • No Problem

      Aim to go for a walk every day for at least 30-40 minutes. If you do that already, make it a longer walk or some days switch it out for a heftier workout (swimming, spin class, weightlifting). Fresh air does a body good.

    • Anonymous

      It’ll sounds cheesy, but Weight Watchers. I’ve never done a ‘weightloss program’ before but after two pregnancies (including a twin pregnancy) I felt like I lost my sense of how much I was supposed to eat when feeding just myself. I like that it really encourages fruits/vegetables and helped me regain my sense of portion control. I haven’t lost a ton of weight because that wasn’t my focus – but I do think it improved my relationship with food. I enjoy my food and don’t use it to deal with emotional stress anymore because some of the activities at meetings involve coming up with other things you can do instead of eat when you’re stressed. I don’t do ‘diet’ food and no artificial sweeteners but you’ll find many participants use those things.

      I also wearing an activity tracker I don’t actually plug it in and look at results of anything – just use it as a good reminder to move more. Sedentary behavior is a risk factor for few diseases where I have a family history – so it gives me an important reminder to not sit at my desk for hours on end.

      If you do only one thing – track your portions – use cup measures to scoop your pasta etc. Portion sizes have gotten totally out of control and skew our perceptions of what is normal and healthy.

      • big girls anonymous

        Thank you! I had a traumatic experience at Weight Watchers when I was 15 (who forces their kid to go to Weight Watchers at 15? My dad, that’s who.) and haven’t been back since, but this is a really good point about improving one’s relationship with food, as mine is currently what you might call a bad romance.

        • Anonymous

          Sorry that you went through that at 15. Sounds awful.

          Adding that there’s an online only option if you don’t go to meetings. I’ve heard that some meetings aren’t great but the one at my workplace is good with a lot of positive encouragement when people have set backs. Writing down or tracking electronically what I eat has made a huge difference in me realizing my trigger foods and situations – I can’t keep Nutella in the house. If you don’t do a ‘program’ even just writing down what you eat every day and how much will really help you.

          If you do WW, avoid the ‘diet food’ stuff. The program makes money on selling WW foods but those aren’t great to rely on long term.

          I didn’t do a program where the food is supplied – I needed to do something that I could do with my kids and maintain long term (never ever mention points in from of my kids or that I’m ‘dieting’) – I just say mommy is measuring her food to make sure she eats enough healthy food and not too much treats. We do fruit for dessert on weeknights and ice cream or cookies on weekends – I think it’s super important that kids learn to eat healthy but not ban treats.

      • SC

        I second WW. I’ve recently rejoined and find it positive and effective. There is a major focus on fruits and vegetables and a lot of room to eat the things you love.

        I agree with Anonymous@11:16–avoid the WW-branded processed foods (which they promote heavily and seem to make a ton of money on) and, to the extent you can, processed foods in general. Also, if you do exercise, I suggest changing your settings so that you get some extra points for exercise–I do this but encourage myself to use those points on something high in protein.

      • Meredith Grey

        Do you mind sharing your list of stress reducers that aren’t food related?? This is my thing and, unfortunately, even though I’m aware of it I can’t break the habit enough that it’s not impacting my weight.

        • Anonymous

          They vary depending on the source of stress and the time of day.

          At the office, I’ve started keeping a clear water bottle on my desk as I feel more stressed/tired when I haven’t had enough water to drink – WW encourages drinking water and discourages juice/soda – I was drinking a lot of juice before and the sugar spikes weren’t good. I don’t keep loose change or small bills in my wallet so I’m not tempted by the office vending machines – I’ve replaced a trip to the vending machines with a walk around the floor.

          At home, I learned that I can’t moderate junk foods so I don’t keep nutella or chips in the house. DH has been supportive by enjoying ‘treats’ at his office not at home. Walking on the treadmill or around the block is a good one. WW has zero points for most fruits and vegetables so I started keeping more on hand – You can ‘binge’ on applesauce or peaches or pineapple but it’s still way healthier and less weight gain than chips/ice cream etc. I treat myself to baths instead of showers when I need them or a watch a crappy tv show (RHOBH etc). A big thing was the strategy of telling myself that if I still felt stressed after trying the other stress reducing thing then I can have a treat. Usually the other thing works and I don’t indulge. WW is good in that you can plan in your treats – it’s a more whole day/week approach to eating. And a lot of positivity like SC said around accepting that we’re not perfect and if we screw up at one meal or day, you just restart at the next.

          I’ve also started doing yin yoga once a week. It’s not ‘exercise’ so much as learning to be still and calm – not something that comes naturally to me.

          Mostly WW was good because it gives you suggestions of different ideas but also challenges you to figure out what will work for you. At the meeting they distribute a small two -three page topic of the meeting that often has things to fill in (just for yourself). Keeps me on track with health/fitness as a priority in my life.

    • RR

      I joined a gym and got a personal trainer. I’ve lost 40 pounds, but honestly I’m most proud and excited of how strong I feel. I liked myself before at 40 pounds heavier (and at either way, I’m still clearly very overweight), but I love how strong and capable I feel. It’s made me more positive about myself–not less. And I love that I can focus on all the accomplishments that have nothing to do with the scale or my size–just me and the work I put in and the strength and accomplishment and improvement I feel. After decades of up and down dieting, and knowing the benefit of exercise but not experiencing it, I’m finally getting that there are so many other things to measure. How many squats I can do. My resting heartrate has gone down. I can run (kind of, a little). No matter what the scale says, I get to be a winner every week.

      • Baby Associate

        I absolutely agree with this! I think this feeling has made me a better me and so much kinder to myself. I really like myself nowadays thanks to being able to see myself through some super cool accomplishments that I earned by pushing through!

    • Bonnie

      I find that I make better food options if I make it easy for myself. I buy already cut up fruit and veggies at the supermarked and keep them in my office fridge along with single serving packs of hummus and greek yogurt. Then when the munchies hit, I’m less likely to raid the office candy bowl.

    • Anonymous

      Check out Live More Weigh Less Mastery by Sarah Jenks. This program checks all your boxes.

      • Anonymous

        Except if you actually want to lose weight. Cause her program is full of nice sounding sexist nonsense about how women just need to nourish their inner goddess with flowers and lipstick, but short on actual health.

        • Anonymous

          I’m not at all familiar with this program, but OP said she’s not trying to lose weight. She’s trying to take care of herself and focus on being body positive. So nourishing the inner goddess might be perfect!

          • big girls anonymous

            OP here…My original comment was somewhat confusing. I want to focus on overall wellness with weight loss as a natural offshoot of that, but not weight loss as the primary goal. I will check out the recommendation, thank you!

    • M.S.

      I have been overweight my whole life, and it’s mostly because I adopted similar eating habits at a very young age. It took years for me to realize I could not subsist on processed sugar and meats.
      I’ve lost 20 pounds or so in the past six months, and it was through making small, but significant lifestyle changes. Things that have worked for me (but YMMV):
      1. I walk to and from work most days (1.5 miles each way). I realize most people can’t commute by foot. Focus on walking as much as possible. Jump on the treadmill at your work gym, and just walk.
      2. Eat whole foods 80 percent of the time. I cook 80-90 percent of my weekly meals, and leave room for dessert on the weekends, because YOLO.
      3. Cut back on your sugar intake as much as possible. Don’t keep junk food in your house.
      4. Eat less. I’m still not great at this, but I try to keep my portions smaller than they were in the past.
      5. I eat a modified paleo diet, which incorporates lean protein, healthy fats, veggies, some fruit, and some starch. It’s not for everyone, but if you’re interested in learning more, I’d recommend two blogs: Mark’s Daily Apple, and Everyday Paleo. Also, Pinterest is great if you’re looking for recipes.
      6. Practice self-compassion. Losing weight takes time, and discipline. Some days you will binge. Some days you’ll eat the fries, or the ice cream, or the nachos. “Progress, not perfection” is my mantra.

      • Amy H.

        I really like the blog “100 Days of Real Food.” Great recipes, and she doesnt cut out entire categories of food (i.e. like Paleo, which eliminates whole grains, beans and dairy — absolutely not workable/happy for me).

    • anon a mouse

      Change your narrative to strength and health, not size. When you eat something, think: how does this help my health? Is this giving me the nutrients I need? Will this power me through my [workout/walk/weights/zumba/whatever]? You want to become healthier. You want to be strong. As a side effect of those two things, you probably will become smaller.

      I have been where you are. Convenience food is such a trap. It’s bad for you and it will sap your energy. Personally, I made a deal with myself that before I ate crap, I would take a 10-minute walk. Not some sort of hard workout, but just enough to breathe some fresh air and get some endorphins going. I would also use that time to think whether I could eat something else that would be better for me — that would give me better protein and nutrients than the convenience food.

      Good luck, you can totally do this.

    • Anonymous

      So, if you’re looking to be more active for your general health and enjoyment, my own experience is that gyms are not a great way to do that. People go there to burn calories as fast as possible, not because they like doing it. Find a good park near you and make a habit of going for nice long walks or bike rides instead of going to the gym.

      • Anon

        ?
        I love my yoga and my qigong classes at a gym.

        I see people who enjoy what they are doing, and are trying to look after their health, though certainly I’d guess some people are also there for the reasons you describe.

        I guess it depends on your gym…

    • Anon

      Check out PlusSizePrincess – CeCe is body positive and encouraging and fosters community through PsPFit workout plans.

    • Runner 5

      I like focusing on what my body CAN do rather than what I don’t like about it. I get that from my runs and walks.

    • nutella

      Why not focus on the theme of loving yourself. You drink water and not soda because you love your organs. You lift heavy weights because you love your bones and want them to stay strong into your old age. You love your lungs and heart so you do cardio sometimes to keep them strong. You love your brain so you get enough sleep and meditate. You love life so you laugh and enjoy the sunshine and time with your friends. You love the food you prepared so you eat slowly and practice mindful eating. I also like the theme of ‘because I can!’ – that body of yours can do so much more than you think it can! (And I don’t mean it can shed more weight than you think, no, I mean it can lift heavier than you think, biker harder than you think, keep going longer than you think.) Loving yourself is nothing to be ashamed of and no betrayal to who you are and who others are.

    • Baby Associate

      I have seen friends start (and continue successfully) their healthier-me journeys (not about size, but moving and eating real food) by joining group classes. I personally really like group training, because you really get to know people and feel a sense of commitment and accountability (which sometimes is the only thing that gets me out of bed for a morning workout/

      My friends and I do things like Crossfit, Orange Theory, Iron Tribe, spin classes (all different sorts), Barre, etc. The biggest thing is not being afraid to walk in and to know that all these things can be scaled. You don’t have to be at 5% bodyfat to be good or safely enjoy these fitness activities. Also, I think people who may have never worked out may be intimidated by the folks there, but most of the people who attend group fitness classes like the community aspect. That makes a big difference in consistency.

      Food is such a huge part of the equation. Meal prepping (pre-preparing most of your meals, or at least the bases for your meals) lunch and snacks that you can take to work help avoid the office candy/snack machines.

      • Baby Associate

        I forgot to add the self-love part to this!! I seriously did not see my body as anything more than “Oh, too fat for ______.” “Too this for that.” until I began seeing it for the things it could do. When I lift weights, I feel strong and powerful and capable, and in awe that my body can do these movements. When I run, I am amazed at the way I can push through mental blocks, which inspires me when I’m at work (or before, school) trying to push through seemingly impossible tasks.

        I have never felt as much body-love and acceptance as I do being active in a community of people trying to reach their fitness goals!

        • Another anon

          Starting to lift weights, use strength training equip at a gym, and jogging on treadmill all made me feel more powerful. Losing a few pounds really happened as a side effect of increased metabolism and building more muscle mass. I hated the idea of trying to make myself “smaller”. Making myself stronger was a great goal!

    • Idea

      I really love Weight Watchers magazine — great cooking and recipes, lots of exercise and fashion tips for bodies in transition. Very body-positive, though it does promote weight loss and the WW program in particular.

    • Anonymous

      If you want to make an investment in yourself by eating healthier, check out Cooking Light magazine. I started subscribing a couple of years ago just because the fancy food magazine I was reading got to be too focused on restaurant food and stopped including enough recipes I actually wanted to cook. Most issues of Cooking Light have several recipes that are tasty enough to make it into my regular rotation, although sometimes an issue will be a dud.

      I have also found it useful to approach healthy eating as a self-indulgent quest to eat more delicious food. I love food, and lots of unhealthy food just isn’t that tasty. The gourmet salad that I packed myself for lunch is way more delicious than what I could pick up for lunch near my office. The chicken stir-fry I made the other night tasted much better than what I could get at the Chinese restaurant on the corner, which would have been full of sugar and sodium. If you get comfortable in the kitchen, learn some shortcuts like prepping ingredients on the weekend, and build some knife skills so chopping goes quickly, you can enjoy healthy home cooking without spending your life in the kitchen.

      • big girls anonymous

        This is a great suggestion, thanks! A lack of culinary skills is definitely part of the equation for me, and it’s high time I take steps to change that.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Haven’t read all of the comments, so apologies if I’m repeating, but first, focus on changing one thing. Pick something important, but doable – i.e. “no fast food for breakfast,” or “no more food from X place” or “small fries only” – something that will improve your health, is doable even when you’re at your worst, and leaves open for you a range of options that are still in your comfort zone (so, like, yes, you can still go get fast food, just not from X place or just not for breakfast or whatever your rule is). Once you’ve successfully kept the rule for 30 days straight, make a new one, and repeat.

      Also, try to find things to add to your life that will improve your health. Eat 3 servings of veggies a day. Get some healthy fats (avocados, nuts, etc.). Have a serving or two of fruit. Do all of that in addition to what you’re already eating – sounds counterintuitive, I know, but the more you train yourself to eat the healthy stuff, the more likely it will be that the healthy stuff will eventually crowd out the bad stuff.

      From a fitness perspective, if you’re not currently active, find something fun (or at least, not eye-gougingly-boring) to do, and start with a goal of doing it once a week. Once you’ve consistently done the thing once a week for a month, make it twice a week, or add a second thing, etc.

      As for weight loss and how that interacts with your current feelings about your body, I’ll just say this – getting healthy doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to get skinny, especially if you’re focusing more on quality/health-value of food and less on restrictive points- or calorie-counting. Your goals should be things like having good cholesterol or blood pressure or blood sugar numbers, being able to achieve some fitness task, completing some physical challenge you didn’t think you could do, etc. If, on the way to all of that, you lose weight, so be it, but you’re already ahead of the game by loving your body for what it is instead of hating it for what it isn’t, so keep that up while you get healthy!

      Basically, take it slow and focus on making changes that will stick instead of trying to overhaul your entire life all at once.

      • big girls anonymous

        Thank you! These are all wonderful suggestions. I definitely agree with the focus on quality and health – I could lose 100 pounds and still be a fat girl, will most likely be a fat girl for the rest of my life, but I want to be a fat girl who feels great and can climb mountains if I want to.

        • Anonypotamus

          You can definitely be larger and still climb mountains!

          What really helped ramp-up my fitness was to train for and then walk a half marathon. It was definitely do-able and a lot of fun! Once I did that, I knew I could do whatever I wanted to. It was hugely motivating. I continue to try to challenge myself in different ways and I love how my body has become fitter and fitter. That is hugely motivating and self-affirming.

          You can do it! You just have to start!

    • Jeffiner

      I was never able to improve my eating habits until I got MyFitnessPal. When I first started keeping track of everything I ate, I was never able to come anywhere close to the daily goal it set for me. I was so hungry! But after a week or two, my body adjusted and I slowly made it down to the calorie goals. I haven’t cut any foods out of my life, but I will choose a fish entree over pasta, for example, just to meet the daily goal. And on a day when I exercise more and have more calories to spare, I’ll still have the pasta, and enjoy it.

      It also helps that my husband is tracking his calories, and he has a ton more willpower than I do. I don’t want to indulge in dessert when he passes.

      • big girls anonymous

        I downloaded MyFitnessPal today and will see how it goes! I’m worried about the obsessive underbelly of calorie counting (just as regards my brain, I know it’s helpful for a lot of people) but it’s already been eye opening in the sense of what nutrients are in that chicken wrap or that smoothie or whatever.

        I am single, which makes it so much easier to eat Haagen Dazs for dinner – no one around to keep me accountable.

        • Meredith Grey

          I am super susceptible to the obsessive underbelly, so to try to combat against this, I try to track at my most mentally resilient times of day (morning for me). If I start plugging things in when I’m sleepy after dinner, usually in front of the TV when nothing would be better than a bowl of ice cream to go along with Survivor Premier… that’s literally the worst time for me to shut down anxiety that comes bubbling up about points/calories/marcos/how to be “better” tomorrow etc. Do it when your mind can handle it so it doesn’t open pandora’s box!

        • AZCPA

          If you eat packaged foods or snack, make liberal use of MyFitnessPal’s bar code scanner. It makes tracking food really painless.

      • Anonypotamus

        MyFitnessPal really worked for me. Agree about it forcing you to make better choices. And, I too save my splurge calories for days I’ve burned a lot of extra. That, in itself, motivates me to exercise. And the endorphin rush afterward–plus splurge–motivate me to keep adding exercise into the mix.

        It’s kind of a fun competition I have with myself.

    • big girls anonymous

      OP here: Just wanted to say thanks to all for your responses! I’m a regular lurker but hardly ever comment, so forgive me if I missed responding to you individually. I really appreciate all the advice and support.

    • AnotherAnon

      So..I am also on weight loss treadmill all the time..I lose 20 pounds with lot of hard work and gain it back in probably 3 months. I don’t drink soda, alcohol or eat fried food. I almost never eat fast food. But I have hypothyroidism, PCOS and probably insulin resistance (I feel hypoglycaemic if I miss the meals etc). So it is uphill battle losing the weight. I have tried high intensity work outs, calorie counting and so many diet plans to lose and keep 20 pounds off. After all the experimentation, I think (or I hope) I have found a plan that works for me. Main goal for me is to not feel hungry when I am losing weight. I hate the feel that feeling of hunger, feeling so weak , cold, sweaty, shivering and dizzy. I have lost 7 pounds (out of that 20) in last 2 months. It is not dramatic weightloss but it has been the easiest to stick to as it doesn’t have any calorie counting, banned foods and most importantly no hunger pangs.

      So, this is what I do. I just skip breakfast. I am not generally hungry till 11 AM. I used to eat breakfast because that is the most important meal of the day etc not because I was hungry. I drink a glass of coffee at 11 or 11:30 when I start feeling hungry. I eat lunch at 12:30, snacks at 6 and dinner at 8. For lunch, snacks and dinner, I make sure I have more protein, healthy fats and very less carbs. I don’t eat any added sugar (including coffee) on a day to day basis. I eat dessert when I feel like I want to which is probably once in two weeks.

      I also found that, when I eat breakfast, I am starving and feeling hypoglycaemic by 12 PM and eat everything in my sight. If I don’t eat breakfast, I am not super hungry by 12:30. I am hungry but not hypoglycaeminc, so I can eat regular portions. When I used to eat lunch with carbs, protein and fat, I am starving again by 6 PM. But cutting carbs during lunch, I am not starving at 6 PM. I can eat a healthy snack like fruit and yogurt or fruit and cheese, sweet potato and cheese and feel good. I eat regular dinner and a serving of fruit after dinner. I brush my teeth at 9 PM and that signals end of all eating for the day.

      • Anonymous

        +1,000,000
        To all this. No breakfast but a cup of tea (or coffee) if it is a workday; take the citrus fruit I would have eaten for breakfast to have as a snack around 11 am; lunch somewhere at mid-day that fits in with work that day – preferably something small and also warm and containing a little protein – soup, warmed up leftovers, etc; a cup of tea around 4.00 p.m. (betraying my origins); dinner centered around a salad or veggie dish, some protein, and then a piece of fruit, a very small treat – a fig newton, 1 square of chocolate. Brush my teeth when I clear up the kitchen after dinner, then no more food! I finally lost weight.

      • Anonypotamus

        I too am hypo, PCOS, and insulin-resistant. I find it helps me hugely to stay low carb. I try to eat mostly protein, vegetables and fruits. Oatmeal is one of my splurges, as is small amounts of dark chocolate.

        Whenever I attempt to add bread, rice, etc. back into my diet, that’s when my weight starts creeping back up.

        I don’t know if this would work for you, but it certainly has proven to do so for me.

        • Anonypotamus

          Added to previous: I definitely eat breakfast. Usually it’s yoghurt (Fage 2%). I do best with protein in the morning. String cheese also works.

      • Pound

        I agree. I am slim but i approach food a certain way to help my energy levels. I really think we North Americans are starving, eating many calories but not nourishing ourselves. I focus on overall “nourishment ” of a food item rather than calories. For example a handful of crackers have few calories but almost no vitamins or protein ie nourishment. An avocado had tons of calories but lots of vitamins and good fat. Hand me the avocado. I feel just… better when I focus on nourishment rather than calories.

    • SD

      WEIGHT LIFTING! Not “girly” 5lbs dumbbell weight lifting after an hour on the elliptical, but things like squats and deadlifts with heavy weight. It totally changed how I viewed my body and my health. Instead of focusing on damage goals like being as small as possible (and let’s face it, it’s never enough, and it’s incredibly depressing), you get to focus on positive goals, like “I wonder if I’ll be able to bench press 10 more pounds next week? Let’s find out!” The added benefit is that the more muscle mass you have, the more calories you burn, so you’ll be burning calories at a higher rate even when you’re not working out. It also makes the numbers on the scale a lot less scary, because muscle weighs more than fat- so you can stay the same exact weight, but be more compact at the same time.

      Trust me, this is a game changer. Pick up the book Strong Curves and see if you can get a few sessions with a knowledgeable personal trainer (someone who really takes it seriously and knows anatomy; you can tell when they’re passionate and know their stuff) who can teach you proper form and get you going.

  15. Paging Nati

    Any advice for getting through the government recruitment process? I’m also finding all the tests and questionaires extraordinarily vage, I am constantly questioning whether I’m giving them the information they’re looking for. How was the timeline for you between application, tests and hiring? All my friends in government got there through connections and thus don’t have experience on the process to share with me.

    • Anon

      Do you mean USAJobs? Don’t bother. I honestly don’t know anyone who has ever gotten thru. It’s not about the questions/tests, it’s that those then go to HR which doesn’t have a clue about your job – bc they aren’t lawyers or engineers or whatever – so they just have an “answer key” that says who knows what and the answers that match the closest on those keys get calls — even though your experience may be more relevant.

      I would honestly only apply to jobs where you can apply directly — i.e. you see them posted somewhere that isn’t USAJobs like thru your school’s alumni page or whatever and you see a position that fits AND has a human being who isn’t in HR or even a department email address to contact. Bc then you don’t have weird tests and stuff and moreover, you have a much higher chance that your resume is being looked at by a person who would be your manager etc. so they know the field and what they’re looking for.

      • Not true

        I got my dream job via USAJobs. No connections, no nothing. In my cover letter, I regurgitated key words listed in the job description.

        It seems like I’m definitely an exception, from speaking to others, but please don’t disregard USAJobs altogether. It can happen!

        • lost academic

          Yeah, I finally had offers through USAJobs for the agencies I was interested in, only after I had a masters though. Referencing the KSAs to get through the triage process are critical.

      • anon in the DMV

        +1

        I got my job through a Pathways/recent grads application process that bypassed USAJobs entirely, and most people I know in government positions did as well (Peace Corps non-compete status, Presidential Management Fellows, etc.) Unfortunately, I haven’t heard of anyone having much success on applying through USAJobs.

      • anon99

        I was hired through USA jobs. At the time, I had no idea that this was difficult or that key words were important. It was the first federal job I applied for. So don’t discount it.

      • New Fed

        I also got my dream job (or as close to dream job as you get, but I’ve been here almost 6 months and think it is pretty swell) through USAJobs. Cold application, no cover letter.

        I applied for 106 jobs in the year before that (gov jobs,) ultimately got 3 interviews and 1 offer. My advice is to have a solid, comprehensive resume and take the quantity over quality approach. This was the advice from a friend who is a senior manager at a different agency than the one I ultimately got hired for, and it’s what finally worked for me. Also make sure to REALLY THINK about ALL your experience so you can find justification to rate yourself as highly qualified on every little bubble question on the assessment.

        • Cc

          We also have hr only screen for “went to law school” and “checked that they have a bar” and then we look at all of them

    • Anon

      If you are Canadian, I got my fed gov job through the normal hiring process (as in, I had zero connections). The tests are weird. My timeline was short – 3 months. But people I work with have had up to a year in the hiring process. Don’t give up – you can not get this job, but be placed into a pool for jobs with the same requirements. Best of luck!

      • Anonymous

        Definitely don’t give up. Many many times departments use hiring a candidate they might already have in mind as an excuse to run a competition that they can use to establish a pool to hire from in the future. It’s all about getting in the pool.

    • Anonymous

      Fellow Canadian and I have so much sympathy for you. I’ve watched many friends go through the hiring process (applications, the weird tests, pools). It’s so bizarre and bureaucratic and inefficient. The timelines are LONG. And if you do get hired, you’re stuck in a casual contract until you’re offered a permanent role.

      I have no advice but, hang in there and it will work out eventually, just be patient.

    • Nati

      Hey – take heart, I got my government job by cold applying online! It’s possible! I knew absolutely no one at the agency I now work for. There were a lot of hoops to jump through for me:

      -Two rounds of written knowledge tests – not all applicants did these. I believe applicants were screened first. The tests were online. We were sent word documents at a preset time and told that we had to fill them out within an hour and send them back.

      -Interviews – in person, I have lots of tips for federal interviews if you get to this stage.

      -Language testing – in person, again, lots of tips if you get here.

      A few thoughts:
      -The tests were really challenging and vague. I could not believe it. But looking back, it makes sense. They are using the tests to weed people out. They want to know that you know what’s important without being told too much. They need to make the assessment hard enough that not everyone can excel. Don’t be too discouraged. Most women on this board are over-achievers who are used to only submitting work that they are completely satisfied with. I was not completely satisfied with my tests and felt terrible as a result, but they still must’ve shown that I knew what I was talking about.

      -My process went by rather quickly because they had a position to fill right away. It made it really emotionally taxing because I was trying to manage a full-time job and the testing and travel to Ottawa all at the same time. In a sense I wouldn’t have minded if the process was more slow.

      If you would like further info post a burner account and those of us who work for the government will be happy to help! Good luck.

      • Nati

        This is sort of incoherent because I’m having a super busy morning. Are you located in Ottawa? Either way, if you post a burner email I can contact you with some general tips and encouragement. And if you’re in Ottawa I could take you for a tea or coffee to discuss. Of course I can’t give super specific info (like the exact questions they ask on the language testing – both because I don’t remember and because they make you sign a form), but I can pass on guidance that I was given by my friends who work for the federal public service and that really helped me. If nothing else, what I hope you get from my scrambled posts is 1. good luck, I’m rooting for you and was you a very short time ago and 2. it’s possible to be successful in what you’re trying to do.

        • Paging Nati

          I am in Ottawa. It’s for the big agency at the pasture and due to the recent change in government and the resulting data collection they need to hire lots of people with my skill set. Sorry if that’s a bit vague, dont want to entirely out myself

          • Anonymous

            Hey fellow Ottawa ladies! I’m not in the govt but it’s nice to see some of you on this s!te.

      • Sydney Bristow

        Random question, is speaking French a requirement for any government job throughout Canada or just in certain provinces?

        • Anonymous

          The government is technically, oficially, bilingual. Is every single job bilingual? Absolutely not. It is possible to get English jobs. And there are many other jobs that are bilingual on paper, but in practice, you’ll really only use English. But because of hiring practices and PC-ness and whatnot, they still have to hire “bilingual” candidates. The govt will pay for you to take French classes if they consider it necessary to your job.

          Ottawa is where the govt is headquartered, and you will find the most bilingual jobs here.

        • Paging Nati

          Only managerial jobs are bilingual imperative. Most high skill technical jobs are unilingual. But as Anon above me said they pay for language training and most people in my demographic have a functional knowledge of the other language. In my case fluent I’m English but conversational French only. I’m applying for a unilingual position and intend to take full advantage of the classes.

          • Nati

            Depends on the agency. I work for one that deals in real terms with th government of Quebec and certain municipalities in Quebec. All of our jobs are pretty much bilingual imperative with a daily requirement to use both languages. I’m not management level.

  16. anon

    Any advice on how to survive a renovation? My husband and I talked about it to death, and we have decided to move forward. It’s adding a family room extension and reconfiguring basement into another bedroom, maybe cleaning up the laundry room. No bathrooms or kitchen stuff. We have a toddler. We are working with reputable local architects who specialize in residential renovations in our neighborhood. Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

    • Anonymous

      Assume it will go over budget by 20% and over the time for completion by a month. Then you’ll be pleasantly surprised if it doesn’t. Otherwise, it’s not too bad and if you’re not renovating your kitchen it’s unlikely to disrupt your day-to-day life that much.

    • Anon

      Expect to have to make a million last minute decisions that you didn’t anticipate or you thought were included in the initial scope. Or at least be prepared to delegate all of those decisions to someone else. We went through a renovation after we thought we’d made every possible decision and it seemed like every day we had to decide something specific we hadn’t considered. Just something to be aware of.

    • Anonymous

      Perspective. When in doubt, zoom out. Day to day disruptions, budget concerns, and contractor delays can be the most frustrating thing in the world or you can roll with the punches. It’s going to be loud and messy, it’s going to cost more than you hope, and it’s going to take too long. Focus on why you wanted to do it (not resale value or practical stuff, I mean think about the future holidays, future kids, etc) and let go.

    • anon

      Assume that the project will be twice as expensive as you’ve budgeted, and take twice as long. No one ever believes me when I tell them this before they start, but it happened to me, and to 3 other close friends too. Maybe come up with a plan ahead of time how you’re going to come up with the extra money. Also, figure out a way to lock off the part of the house that’s under construction at the end of each work day – gates or a temporary padlock or whatever it takes to be 100% sure that the kid can’t slip into the construction zone. With the power tools, dust, exposed wiring and chemicals, you don’t want to take any chances.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Expect dust EVERYWHERE. We had to shave our cabinets down a bit to fit new appliances and despite best remediation efforts we found dust all over the upstairs bedroom furthest from the kitchen. The dust was everywhere. When it was all over, it took 3 or 4 times cleaning to get all of the dust. You aren’t going to be able to live in a completely clean space during the reno.

      Also, this is random but if any of your family members have a wheat issue or sensitivity, it can be triggered by all of that dust. Certain building supplies have wheat in them.

    • anon

      Doing a reno now in my third trimester. I am still hoping to survive it.

      Divide and conquer. Not every decision has to be made jointly. It’s so much easier now that we’ve started to split these up. An example of how we successfully chose tile without spending hours and hours at tile stores: Spouse 1 spends an hour or two looking at photos to be able to be able to communicate what he or she likes, Spouse 2 listens and then does the legwork to pick a few options he or she would be happy with, Spouse 1 chooses from those options, and Spouse 2 does whatever legwork is necessary to formalize the choice with your contractor. Or, decide what you don’t care about, and let the other spouse take the lead on that. Your only preference on doorknobs is that they not be nickel or that they be under $30/each? Communicate it, let the other spouse decide, and move on to the next issue.

      Hire someone to clean. There will be lots of dust tracked around, and you’ll be happier if you pay someone else to take care of it and instead get out of the construction zone on weekends.

      There will be smells. Paint, adhesives, sometimes you won’t even know what… but there will be lots of unpleasant smells. You’ll want to be able to open windows to ventilate, so I wouldn’t do it when your climate is too cold for that.

      Think about what will make you feel better or worse during the reno, and then communicate it. It might be continuing home cooked meals (or giving yourselves a break and ordering in more often) or making an extra effort to stay clutter-free. Just take the time to figure out what will help you feel in control of the situation and commit to working together so both people feel sane.

    • Walnut

      Everything in writing. If you or spouse has a conversation with contractor in person, do everything possible to do the call on speaker phone and then send a followup email to recap after and cc all relevant parties.

      Decisions are not just related to wall color and tile. You’ll need to tell the electrician where to put the light switches and the contractor will ask which direction the door should swing.

  17. For Seeking advice on mom

    I missed the post last night but I wanted to weigh in with some support. I have a parent who asks questions like what you describe (no dementia). Others here said the questions aren’t judgmental, but it’s really the tone that matters. You know your mom better than we do; is there ill intent there?

    My mother is always asking things like, how is so-and-so from middle school who I know very well you haven’t spoken to in 20 years. She’s not asking because she’s genuinely interested. She’s saying, you should’ve been better at keeping in touch with people. Sometimes this will be followed by more passive aggressive “questions,” sometimes by a tirade about how it’s my own fault that I have no friends and no one loves me because I’m a terrible person for not keeping in touch with people I didn’t like when I actually lived within 6 hours of them. It’s annoying at best and really demeaning at worst. As an aside: it feels REALLY good to take the wind out of her sails when I can say things like, “so-and-so is great, she just had her second baby!” because I see it on facebook. You can just hear her deflate.

    My mother’s “questions” always hone in on my insecurities, or things I’m working on or struggling to accept. Like when I move to a new city – suddenly I get all of these questions about so-and-so from 10 years ago; she doesn’t ask when she knows I have a vibrant social life. The best defense to feeling this way is to build up your self esteem. Everyone has insecurities and things they’re working to accept but aren’t happy about. You have to have enough confidence in yourself to know that you’ll deal with it the best way you can. Another defense is to have a plan. If you’re unhappy about something, start figuring out a way to change it. Get into therapy if that’s what it takes. And finally, limit contact with mom. That’s much harder with a parent with dementia, but it’s really not about her dementia, it’s about what you can take. Protect yourself.

    • Anonymous

      But, you really can’t abandon a parent with dementia, who lives alone. I think the other poster has a tragic family situation unfolding, with her depression clouding her vision.

      But FSAM, I would be distancing myself from Mom if I was in your shoes, while you get through this time, and come up with a few quick phone call ending statements to memorize for when things get judgmental.

      • JuniorMinion

        Want to respectfully disagree – you can limit your time spent with a parent who is cruel / toxic / difficult while still insuring their care needs are met. It is not abandoning someone who has been mean to you in the past to say “I will make sure you are cared for, but I need to care for myself as well and that means not spending time” You don’t owe anyone your peace of mind and mental wellbeing.

        • Anonymous

          The prior poster from yesterday was not posting about a toxic parent. Different scenario.

    • S in Chicago

      Agree with Anonymous. You can’t really abandon when they have dementia and figuring out what’s ill intent versus dementia gets nearly impossible if not impossible, and that’s even without the person who is doing the observing struggling with their own issues of unhappiness/feeling of discontent with life circumstances. If you’re feeling strong about who you are and where you are in life, then you’re less vulnerable to judgments of others. I would agree with everyone else’s advice to her yesterday–she could really benefit from therapy and/or medication to get to a point of not feeling so hopeless. Getting out of that funk will only then help her manage to deal with Mom (if you start feeling good about your life, it gets a whole lot easier to feel less competitive/resentful, be more empathetic, etc.). I haven’t done therapy and usually think folks on this site are all to quick to throw that to someone as an answer. But truly in this situation, you could just feel the hopelessness coming through. It made me wish I could know the OP to try to help in some way. You just know she’s a really great person whose had a tough lot to get through and could be so much happier if just some changes could get going. (And no, I don’t mean “You need a man.” But you do need something other than work in life. And I say that as someone who most folks would describe as a workaholic.)

  18. Anonymous

    So, I’ve been online dating for about a month and I think I’ve found a great guy. We get along really well, have fun together, I like him a lot. The thing is, I have about 10k in credit card debt that I’m working to pay off, and my credit score isn’t great. It’s from a combination of being un/underemployed and relying on credit to help me get by, and traveling/shopping. But my cards aren’t maxed out, I’m making payments, and I’m not planning on buying a house or a car anytime soon, so generally this isn’t a huge deal for me. But I know from his answers on his profile (OKcupid) that he really hates debt and he thinks a bad credit score is a serious offense. He also makes a lot more money than I do (he’s a doctor, I’m in non-profit).

    I’m afraid if I bring it up, he’ll dump me. But I don’t want to keep secrets if we eventually progress into a serious relationship. How do I approach this? It’s really scaring me. I don’t want money to be the reason that I’m unlovable or undateable.

    • anon

      You’re a long way out from needing to worry about that. It’s not keeping a secret – it’s using reasonable and normal discretion about how quickly you share personal information. Stop thinking about it and revisit the question in 6 months. Depending on how things go, that’s the earliest I could imagine being appropriate to start talking finances (and more likely closer to a year unless you’re moving in together or something).

      • Anonymous

        Usually I would totally agree with this, but if the guy cares about debt and credit scores enough to have included that in his dating profile, I think it’s important to have the conversation early. I don’t know if he identified it as a dealbreaker, but I think it’s better to have the conversation early (and not just “this is the problem” but, “I’m working on resolving this issue” without too much detail). I would hate to be a year into a relationship or make the decision to move in together only to have to struggle through this conversation at that point when the implications are so much weightier.

        • Killer Kitten Heels

          I don’t think it’s “in his profile,” though – on OKC they have these survey questions you can answer for fun, and other people can look up your answer (or, maybe, OKC highlights the ones where you agree/don’t agree with one of your matches? I don’t quite remember now, I met my H there seven years ago and haven’t been back on it). Anyway, you don’t seek out the survey questions – they pop up at random – so the guy probably didn’t choose to feature the information, he probably just clicked an answer to a survey Q when it popped up. Given that, I don’t know that it warrants a serious up-front conversation, at least not anywhere near this soon.

          OP, you’re free to wait until you’re more serious – at least at the “let’s be exclusive” talk, but possibly even later – to bring this up. And,honestly, if it’s a good relationship that’s progressing towards seriousness in a natural and healthy way, I would think finances and topics like that would come up organically, so personally I’d probably try to wait until then to discuss, instead of talking about it like it’s some kind of shameful disclosure.

    • Anon

      More important than whether or not you have debt is how you’re moving forward – are you incurring more debt or working to pay it down? If you’re working hard to get rid of the debt and making sacrifices to do so, and he judges you for a past mistake, then he’s probably not someone you want to be with.

      • anon

        God, this. And yes, it’s just a generic question people can answer on OKC. He probably didn’t actually write it on his profile.

        Believe me, there’s about a million things you and this guy have yet to learn about each other that could be deal breakers.

    • anon

      he sounds like a judgmental pr*ck. I’d tell him now (casually, if you can), and see how he reacts. It’ll tell you a lot and luckily you’re only a month in, so if he reacts poorly, you haven’t wasted too much time on him.

    • CountC

      I’m of two minds on this one, so I am interested to see how the rest of the hive weighs in.

      One part of me thinks it’s none of his beeswax at this stage to know anything about your finances. Have you even had the exclusivity talk yet? Do you know if he is dating other people? It seems premature to me to discuss finances this early.

      The other part of me thinks it’s worthwhile to rip the band aid off now and see what happens. I’m surprised he put that in his profile, but apparently he feels very strongly about it. You knew these were hot button items to him going in and you knew you had debt, etc., and you went out with him anyway. I might think it’s crazy to cut out an otherwise lovely person who is clearly on the plan to making things right, but he may not. That’s his decision and there may be nothing you can do about it to change his mind – his loss.

      Basically, I am not helpful to you in the least! Personally, I want to date someone who is responsible with their money, but as a person with former CC debt, I would completely understand and be a-okay with someone who is on the track to paying it off and has a plan. That person is wildly different to me than someone who has the debt but is continuing to spend recklessly with no plan in sight. How he reacts is going to depend on whether he is okay with debt so long as someone has a plan to get out of it and is following it versus just debt, period.

      • Anonymous

        I just think at one month sorry bro you aren’t entitled to judge me on my money because it’s none of your business. At all. It’s nice it’s a thing that matters to him but oh well!

      • Anonymous

        It’s not on his profile exactly – the way Okcupid works is you have a match percentage with someone based on how similarly you’ve answered all questions. There are hundreds of completely random questions, and they’re optional to answer, but it does help you determine how compatible you are with someone. They range from questions about s$x to morals to lifestyle to dating to anything you can think of. If you and the person in question have answered the same question, you can see their answer and compare it to yours. So I was going through his questions and there were two about finances/credit.

        Otherwise we are a 97% match and very compatible about everything else.

        • Anonymous

          Ok, yeah, that’s really different. Don’t tell him. I’d be of the mind that you should tell him if he was SO OBSESSED with this issue that he specifically chose to write about it on his own profile. But he’s not obsessive about it, he just honestly answered a bunch of questions that were asked of him, including this one.

        • Anonymous

          Oh, dude, with this clarification, stop worrying about it and don’t bring it up. OK Cupid asks you like 500 questions and for a lot of them, in my experience, you skip them because the answer is “I’m ambivalent” or “That’s a weird question” or “huh?” Then one pops up that you do have an answer for and you just answer it. It doesn’t mean that if you have credit card debt he thinks you’re a monster and is going to dump you. It’s too early in the relationship and it’s none of his business.

        • January

          Yeah, I agree with everyone else here. I would have answered the question about credit card debt the same way he did, but I’d be kind of freaked out if a guy I’d been seeing for a month confessed to having $10K in credit card debt. And not because of the debt, but because that’s just way too soon to give that kind of information to someone you hardly know.

        • Dulcinea

          In that case I would say that 1) if he had the ability to view your answers, then he already has “constructive notice” and you don’t have to say anything at this stage (but maybe later if/when you are getting more serious) and (2) he might not feel quite as strongly about it in real life as he does in the abstract with no specific personal context. Also, Depending on how the questions are phrased maybe he even developed his current beliefs based on have made his own mistakes with credit/debt.

        • CountC

          Oh, it was one of those?? It read like he had written it out in his description on his profile. Ignore any suggestion I made of telling him now. No way and not relevant at this point.

        • Scarlett

          Personally, I loved the question feature to weed out actual major dealbreakers & read a guy’s answers to all of the questions, as did my now-husband who I met on OKC. Agree with the others that if you’ve been honest about your financial situation, he’s probably seen that and is already on notice. Also, not every single answer is going to be super important to someone. I’d just play it out and see what happens. FWIW, I dated a few 97%’s per their algorithm and those flamed out, married a 94% and couldn’t be happier. Use the questions to get a better sense of someone (people lie a little less in responding to those than in their profiles) but don’t get too caught up in them either.

    • anon

      The main thing I would be concerned about at this point is whether he’s so out of touch with reality that he cannot fathom that sometimes people get into debt or have low credit scores because of emergencies, like unemployment, and not because of some character flaw. There are people like that in the world, and their world view and value system is just not compatible with mine. I would not want to be with someone who expressed such a profound lack of empathy, insight, or reasoning skills about the world around him. You don’t have to (and shouldn’t) talk about your financial situation to figure this out. Just say that you saw this on his profile and wondered about his views.

      • OP

        Thank you, this was really reassuring to read and it’s how I feel too. From everything that I know about him so far and have experienced with him, he is a lovely person who seems to care about me, so I will try not to freak out just yet.

        Thanks to all you smart ladies for the advice!

    • I'm similar to the guy and think you're fine

      The only reason I would want to know early-ish in the relationship is if you either didn’t see this as a problem or if you didn’t view a top credit score as an aspiration of yours, as for me that would probably be a difference in values, as opposed to just a difference of experiences, that would make a long term relationship challenging. But even in that case, I’d expect him to lay that out as a priority of his and you to respond with your information, not for you to bring it up unprompted. Since you’re so concerned about this, I bet that doesn’t apply to you, it sounds like you’re already doing all the right things to deal with this and move forward!

  19. BPD Parent?

    Any recommendations for great books about having a parent with borderline personality disorder? DH and I have recently cut off contact with his parents. His mother has BPD and his father enables. My DH is trying to fully understand the impact that his mother having BPD has and had on him. I’ve searched for books, and it looks like there are many, but I’m hoping for a more personal recommendation. (Yes, DH is in therapy.)

  20. Breakfast

    Further to Canadienne’s comment in one of the posts above – breakfast suggestions?

    I personally have a pretty long list of requirements – I love mini quiches and low-cal egg benedict (basically just 1 muffin half and no sauce), but I’m trying to mix in some non-egg options that still have plenty of protein. I can’t do dairy. I also need to eat real food in the morning, so smoothies are out. I feel like overnight oats is my only alternative.

    • Anonymous

      Overnight oats don’t have much protein at all. What about meat? Like, go full on savory. Baked chicken breast with roasted sweet potatoes and peppers, roast them all, then chop up and sauté into a hash?

      • OP

        Oh I target high-protein overnight oats, not just plain, I should’ve specified. So, peanut/almond butter mixed in, nuts on top, etc.

        LOVE the hash idea. Great way to use up leftovers too.

      • Lorelai Gilmore

        Aidell’s chicken sausages are great and satisfying. The chicken-apple sausages are also sugar-free.

    • Runner 5

      Recently I’ve been buying pre made bircher muesli (like overnight oats) at the supermarket

      • CKB

        I make my overnight karts with some protein powder to up the protein content – just half a scoop. And it works great.

        For the OP – What about non-traditional breakfast foods? Really, you can eat anything for your first meal. What about sandwiches, left over casseroles/one dish meals, chilli, etc.

    • Baby Associate

      I bake eggs in a silicone muffin pan and keep them for the whole week, heating them up every morning and eating them with chicken sausage (I’m a non-smoothie, real-food w/ tons of protein breakfast person).

      I know people who put biscuit sandwiches together with these baked eggs + sausage + English muffins.

      It saves me a ton of time and it’s fairly portable.

    • Suburban

      Chia pudding with almond milk and slivered almonds on top. Or would you do a non traditional breakfast food? We ate ground turkey and beef with avocado and salsa when we did whole 30.

    • Quinoa

      I was just in the frozen food aisle and there’s some waffles (Van’s brand, I think?) with quinoa. That’s a protein, right?

      • JuniorMinion

        Pumpkin puree works really well in these too. I add in some mini dark chocolate chips as well for the decadence factor :)

        I do:
        1/3 c. oats
        Scoop protein powder
        4 TB cottage cheese
        4 eggs
        some cinnamon / pumpkin pie spice / vanilla
        1/4 tsp baking soda
        1/3 of a can of pumpkin puree
        choc chips to taste :)

    • Anon in NYC

      I like cooking a bath of a whole grain, like farro or quinoa, and treating it like cereal. Topping it with fruit, nuts, and pouring milk over it. It doesn’t get soggy like cereal and keeps me decently full for a few hours.

      Also, I’ve seen people do sweet potato bowls (basically just a sweet potato topped with various things, like PB, dried fruit, or nuts).

  21. Northern California recs

    My husband and I are heading to the Bay Area for Christmas (where I’m from, staying with my family) and he’s requested that we see / spend time in the Redwoods. Any recommendations for places to stay / things to do at this time of year? I grew up in the East Bay so have been to the redwoods but it was always a school trip / day trip. We thought we (me, husband, mom and dad) would spend 3 days in a cabin / cottage somewhere nice.

    • Anonymous

      Do you mean the actual Redwoods National Park or just that he wants to see redwood trees? I actually think the ones in the Bay Area are just as impressive as the ones in the national park and a lot easier to get to. I like Big Basin State Park near Santa Cruz.

      • Northern California recs

        I think just impressively large trees? We live in the UK, nature is just smaller here!

        Big Basin would be lovely, I’ll check it out.

      • Lorelai Gilmore

        If you want truly impressive trees, you should consider Sequoia National Park. If you want redwoods, they are everywhere and the Santa Cruz mountains will have lots of cabin options. I echo the big basin suggestion.

    • Big Sur

      I went to Deetjen’s Big Sur Inn with my family when I was young. I just remember it being magical. It’s very, very rustic though. No TV, no internet, etc. If that’s not your style, Big Sur itself is beautiful, there are redwoods and waterfalls that go directly into the ocean.

    • sfbae

      the closest (and most touristy) one is just muir woods. but so close to the city..

    • buffybot

      What about Muir Woods or Samuel P. Taylor Park? I grew up in the north bay and that’s where we tended to go for redwoods.

      You could stay in Sausalito, Bolinas or Point Reyes, which are all adorable.

    • Scarlett

      I’d drive up to Mendocino – you’ll go through the redwood forests & you can stay there by the sea. Recommend the Packard House and Brewery Gulch Inn as places to stay (the latter is not quite in town, both are lovely).

      • Scarlett

        Just noticed you’re also going w/ family – check out airbnb’s in Cazadero & Russian River Valley – all are close to the redwood forests & you can get more room than the B&B’s I suggested.

        • Cb

          Thanks everyone! These are super helpful. It’s my first holiday at “home” in five years so I super excited to hang out with my parents and husband.

  22. Money Help

    I’m over thinking this.

    I have $4,000 of credit card debt. It’s ~70% from a large home reno, for which we paid almost entirely in cash. We ended up putting some of the cost on cards to cover unexpected things outside of our initial contingency. The other 20% of existing credit card debt is from life – emergency vet visit, last minute cross-country flights for a very ill parent, one-time expenses for a sibling’s wedding, etc. Definitely not frivolous spending and things that outside of this reno we would have easily paid for out of cash.

    My emergency fund isn’t nearly as big as I’d like at $29,000, since we paid cash for the majority of the renovation. I haven’t been able to contribute to its growth since the renovation finished a few months ago as we’ve paid out of pocket for cost overruns and also worked to pay off the credit card debt. I’m due for a meaningful bonus in January, of which we have a goal of saving 90% of it. Point being, there is meaningful saving in my future, but not today given looming CC debt.

    I’m usually really good/diligent about saving, but the reno has thrown me for a loop and I’m suffering from analysis paralysis. Should I just take $4k cash out of ’emergency fund’ savings to pay off the cards, get that weight off my shoulders, and immediately start rebuilding said fund/savings and go back to out old, pre-reno ways? My ’emergency fund’ has been this untouchable account in my head, but I feel like the credit card debt should just go away for good and we should start fresh at $0. Thoughts?

    • Anonymous

      Yes, unless you think it makes sense to take out a 4K loan at 18% interest, you should immediately pay off your CC debt. All the things you listed that got you there should have come from the emergency fund to begin with. That is why you have it. So emergency spending doesn’t put you in debt.

      • Money Help

        Good point about the emergency fund. It’s just this war chest that we’ve been building and building, and will continue to grow, but I have no idea how/when/why to use it, to be honest. It’s untouchable in my head but for a lost job. So stuff like I described has just gone on the credit card as of late as “free cash” has been otherwise been used to pay down reno card debt. I definitely need to think about our emergency fund differently going forward.

        • anonshmanon

          I used to have this problem. This mental block about “when should I touch my emergency money?” I then sat down and spent a couple minutes pondering what emergency means to me. I then pulled together some numbers: how much are 12 months of my current living expenses (fund for job loss), how much are plane tickets across the world where some family lives, a dishwasher, new laptop, my last big ticket dental work. So I basically budgeted for emergencies that are somewhat predictable. That helped me feel better about my emergency money.

      • anon

        Maybe this is a reading comprehension fail… where does she say 18%? My cc is under 6%. Are most higher than that?

        What’s wrong with transferring the balance to a 0% intro rate for 6 months and paying it off in January (i.e., make sure you pay it off within 6 months – you can use emergency funds at that point if you need to)?

        • Sydney Bristow

          I have an 810 credit score and none of my cards are as low as 6%. The recently-opened cards are around 11% (I think, I don’t pay a ton of attention because I pay it off as charges clear) and my old cards that I had with a bad credit score are 29%.

        • Aunt Jamesina

          Ones with high points and rewards are frequently in that range, even for those with good credit.

        • Cornellian

          My credit score is ~740-750 and my CC rates are 18% and up. If you opened pre-recession, a lot of better rates were available. I could probably look around for a better one, but I pay it off every month anyway, so I don’t really care too much.

    • Anonymous

      100% pay of the credit card debt. You don’t want to waste money on interest charges. If an emergency comes up where the remaining $25K isn’t sufficient then just use your credit card for $4K at that time.

    • Anonymous

      Yes, you should take the money from the emergency fund to pay off the credit card bill. The credit card bill is largely due to emergencies and the purpose of an emergency fund is to pay for emergency expenses so you don’t go into debt.

    • Anonymous

      What do you think the point of an emergency fund is? It’s to pay for expenses that come up unexpectedly. All of these things that you put on the card (except the home reno) should have come straight out of the emergency fund in the first place. Paying 20% interest on a credit card when you have the money sitting in the bank is insane.

    • No Problem

      Yes, this is what the emergency fund is for! You’ll still be left with $25k, and then can build it back up.

    • anonypotamus

      I might get flak for suggesting this, but if you are open to opening additional credit (and get approved to do so), you may want to consider opening a 0% interest balance transfer card. I just did this with Chase Slate to help me take care of some credit card debt resulting from divorce/moving out. I transferred about $7k and I have 15 months of 0% interest to pay it off. I set up an auto payment that I calculated based on ensuring it gets cleared out before interest accrues. I can easily work in the payment into my budget now that its not increasing due to exorbitant interest. I’m not adding anything to the balance, and now can pay off my balance on my other credit card in full each month (I use this for almost everything to earn points). But I also don’t have much in the way of savings yet, but am working on that as part of my general overhaul of finances as I adjust to single income etc.

    • Money Help

      Thank you, all! Card is paid off! I knew the answer, but man… the renovation totally messed with my sense of financial logic. I promise to return to my conservative/saving financial ways immediately. In the meantime, I will also try to reset my thinking about that ’emergency fund’.

    • SC

      Unless you’re in a 0% promotional deal (or want to transfer to one) on your CC, definitely use your emergency fund to pay of your CC. If it helps, you can think of it as “loaning” yourself the $4K (interest free), and make larger contributions to your emergency fund for however long it takes to put back $4K.

      We also had/have some of the same mental issues about restrictions on using “emergency” money. Ultimately, I split off a few thousand dollars for what I consider a “cushion” fund–for vet bills, computer repairs, car repairs, unplanned-for but necessary travel–things that come up but don’t feel like “emergencies.” That fund is in a savings account at the same bank as our checking account for easy transfers. When I spend out of the account, I budget paying back into it over however many months. Then I put the bulk of our emergency fund into an account with a higher interest rate at another financial institution and invested about half of it in low-cost index funds (the rest is cash).

  23. heathen

    I just moved to the south and my dating app of choice, Hinge, is no longer cutting it (I liked that it matched through known facebook friends). Like 95% of the suggestions I get now are serious Christians (leaving like maybe one “hit” at day that is not). I am not religious at all. I’m also not staunch enough atheist to join any of those specific groups. Suggestions for a new app I should try that might have a wider variety of matches?

    • shamlet96

      Not in the south, but I used bumble for five months, had a ton of mostly decent first/second dates, and ended up finding an amazing guy (we’ve been together for five months). It is also hooked up to FB so that sounds like a plus for you. Definitely give it a shot – I’ve had other friends have good luck with it too.

    • Trashy TV!

      I’m in the South, and have been using bumble for the past few months. I’ve been on more and better dates through that app than match or eH, which I have done on and off over the years. Also, FWIW, I got an email from Hinge yesterday, saying that they are revamping their app and that the new one will be available in a few weeks-ish. Since you liked Hinge before (and I agree – I like it as well), maybe the new Hinge will work in your new setting?

    • Anonymous

      Coffee Meets Bagel is a similar friends-of-Facebook friends app. Their algorithms might be different and pair you with different people.

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