Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Ella Shirt

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Ella ShirtHuh: I kind of really like this shirt, from preppy brand Fred and Sibel — it feels like a fresh take on a really classic, menswear-inspired blouse. I particularly like the long cuffs: the horizontal stripes are such a nice contrast to the vertical stripes, they're sure to peek out under your blazer or cardigan, and you've got a lot to work with when you want to roll up your sleeves. The top is $154 at ShopBop. Ella Shirt Looking for something in plus sizes? This $20 peplum top is kind of awesome, and this striped tunic top comes in blue in regular and petite sizes, and blue and pink in plus sizes, for $16-$22. Also: here are the best solutions for gaping shirts, if that's a concern for you! This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 2/7/25:

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
  • J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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272 Comments

  1. I posted previously about moving to an apt with cockroach infestation and breaking the lease. Now it seems that breaking a lease is not an option at least in the next three months. After the exterminator came, I turned on the bottom faucet in the bathroom tub, and out came an army of cockroaches (note that they are not coming up from the drain, but from the faucet in the shower tub). It was like a scary scene from a horror movie and I’ve since started showering at the gym everyday. So my question is, aside from breaking the lease, what is a DIY to get prevent cockroaches from coming in through the faucet? I can block the drain, but I don’t know how I can block with faucet with a strainer.

    1. you need to buy every bug bomb on the shelf at a local city hardware store and set them all off. cockroaches are city life, florida life, etc. put out ALL the traps and ALL the spray control. if your landlord won’t help you (because, city life) then you gotta help yourself.

      http://nymag.com/guides/everything/pests/40649/

      https://www.reddit.com/r/nyc/comments/1rcu9a/how_to_get_rid_of_roaches_in_your_nyc_apartment/

      http://nymag.com/strategist/article/best-roach-killer-ways-to-get-rid-of-cockroaches.html

      1. Didn’t OP mention bed bugs too, though? If so, don’t use bug bombs – that will cause bed bugs to scatter and make them much harder to treat.

    2. Duct tape and metal mesh?

      This is pretty bad, I’m sorry. Some level of creepy crawlies happen…but that seems excessive.

    3. Honestly, this means that your apartment is still infested. Your exterminator needs to come back out to deal with it. You are way beyond a DIY for this. You need to document this with photos and letters to your landlord so you have a paper trail of the issues.

      I’m not sure why breaking the lease isn’t an option, but if I had any other options at all I’d move out.

    4. I missed your original post, but why can’t you break the lease? There’s no way I could stay there.

      1. Yeah, horror-movie-cockroaches pouring out of the faucet? I’m out. I couldn’t live like that, and I have a pretty high tolerance for creepy-crawlies.

        Your apartment and building are definitely still infested. If you duct tape + strainer the faucet, they’re just going to come out somewhere else. I mean, yes, do all the DIY, get the exterminator back, document everything…but if you’re staying in the apartment for the next three months, there are going to be roaches.

      2. I’ve just been given notice to look for another job in the next few months, so I don’t have the time and energy to move again or fight it out with the rental management company.

        1. Oh crummy. Maybe this is a sign that there’s a better job, better apartment, better everything just around your corner? If you’ve been thinking about making a big life change, I think you just got the go ahead.

        2. I’m sending you internet hugs as well! So sorry you have to deal with both these issues at once.

        3. Ugh, I’m so so sorry. I would definitely tell your rental company that the exterminator needs to come back.

    5. Tell the landlord that you need the exterminator to return. I lived with a cockroach infested apartment in Boston, and no amount of DIY did the trick. I later lived in NC, where roaches are a fact of life, and I likewise went straight to the super to fix the problem. I never had any luck with DIY solutions like diatomaceous earth or traps.

    6. Ahhh that’s so horrifying! I don’t know what to do but you have my sympathy!

    7. Yeah I said on your previous post that seeing the occasional roach in NYC is normal, but this kind of infestation is not. Time to go back to the landlord and if that doesn’t work, move out.

    8. In my jurisdiction you would have to give the landlord opportunity to fix the issue, but if it persists it would definitely be grounds to break the lease. In the meantime, I would ask the landlord to pay for a hotel while they do a proper extermination. This sounds really bad and not like normal city living at all.

    9. Here is a simple, but very effective and non-toxic thing to do while they are continuing with extermination.

      Buy a box of borax powdered soap. It is usually near the laundry detergents.

      Get some small trays or pieces of aluminum foil that you fold into small “dishes” with low sides. Fill them with a mixture of borax mixed with some sugar. Leave them in each room in dark corners, or near anywhere you have seen cockroaches. The cockroaches come to eat the sugar that they smell, and they eat the borax which also gets stuck to their body/arms/legs. They bring the borax mixture back to the nest as well. The borax soap has a rough structure so when they swallow it it tears up their digestive tract and they die. And the cockroaches back in the nest eat the borax off their body and they die.

      Unfortunately, it is not unusual to have these explosions of cockroaches right after the exterminator comes. They usually die down afterwards.

      Also, I buy a couple large bottles of bleach. Pour a large amount down your drains. Let it sit for 1 hour. Then run your water down the drains for 15 minutes.

      I live in a part of the country with “seasonal” cockroaches. I have to do this treatment once a year for my parents’ house. It works well in a house, but in an apartment you need to do it in combination with an exterminator for the building.

      1. This is good DIY advice with the borax. It can help with ants, too and is inexpensive.

        Regarding the spigots, run each of them full tilt to eject stowaways and kill what you can. Any time you have leftover boiling water, pour it down your drains before it cools. It clears buildup and is hostile to bugs.

        If the exterminator left a card, call and ask what to expect, so you are not surprised. You might find that exterminators treat for some bugs twice, once for current problems and then a follow-up if you have to wait on the next generation to hatch, but not mature to reproduce.

        1. +1 I grew up in East Texas and roaches were a typical occurrence. Full tilt spigots of moderately hot water are often our first line of defense. If your plumbing is PVC pipe, I would hesitate to pour boiling water down the drain as it will deform/warp the pipe. 100% hot water from the tap plus a drain cleaner would be safer.

          Instead of Borax, I would recommend Diatomaceous Earth. It is a natural pesticide that is actually beneficial for pets and safe for humans if you buy the food grade version. We pour it on ant beds and exterior door/window threshholds. My vet recommends we sprinkle it over the dogs’ food to prevent intestinal parasites and I’m sure my kids have tried it once or twice without any side effects. I have purchased ten pound bags from Home Depot for around $25.

          1. Diatomaceous earth got rid of bed bugs for me, but I never had luck using it for roaches (for roaches, I’m all about the bait that produces an infertile generation–it takes longer, but then there are NONE). Wear a legit filter mask around diatomaceous earth; it may be safe to eat, but it is definitely not safe to breathe into your lungs (and in my experience it gets into the air when sprinkling).

      2. Just be careful with the borax if you have pets or children. I believe it is toxic to them for the same reason it’s toxic to bugs.

    10. What you really want is bait, not spray! Spray just makes roaches avoid them, bait actually kills the nests. I highly recommend Adivon Roach Bait Gel and Bait station. The bait gel can get put into cracks and crevices whereas the bait traps get put out in the open. Yes, it is more expensive than other options. YES, IT IS WORTH IT. Also, I HIGHLY recommend something like Gentrol Point Source, which is an Insect Growth Regulator (IGR). Essentially it puts out a harmless to humans and mammals hormone that prevents insects with shells from being able to shed their shell correctly. It works within something like a 6ft range (read the box, it has been a bit for me). Any roach that passes within that radius is affected. These are good for long-term treatment. Yes, it will take a while, but you can beat this! I dealt with an apartment in college that when I sprayed the hinge of my pantry with insecticide, I killed 6 roaches. You can beat this! When you put the bait out, you DO NOT want to have an exterminator come and spray. The spray makes bait less effective, or even completely ineffective. This is a long-term fight, but you should see a reduction in 2-3 weeks. Also with the bait out, try to avoid killing any roaches you see. I know this is horrifying, but you want the roaches to eat the bait, and then go back to their nests and poop out the bait. The baby roaches will eat both the poo and the dead roaches that are infected with the bait, which kills them slowly. This one-two punch or bait and growth inhibitor with take care of them for sure!

    11. My girlfriend recently went to the ER for a ringing in the ear and they pulled out a cockroach. She has severe damage to her eardrum and is permanently traumatized.

      I would move out ASAP.

      1. Terrible for your girlfriend, but totally and truly rare. Her n=1 experience does not scale to 1%. Please be supportive of her, but it’s an exception. Yes people deal with roaches, however they need perspective on what is the pinnacle of a worst-case scenario, and practical steps to Deal.

        The OP needs a plan for How To Stay for the next three months.

        1. She really doesn’t need to stay. She says she wants to stay because she is also changing jobs and doesn’t want to deal with moving. But she really has to move. This is uninhabitable.

    12. My brother had a cockroach infestation of his beautiful and funky newly purchased and remodeled condo in Brooklyn.

      He would poor a thick line of Borax across his entire doorway into his bedroom to keep the cockroaches out at night. If they crossed it, they would die. Literally.

    1. Is that for the shirt, the cockroaches, or both? Neither is my thing, but one is decidedly more horror-movie than the other.

      1. Rosa’s youngest daughter has a shirt like this. Rosa was trying to do laundry while her maid was off, and she put to much bleache in the wash, and the shirt turned out looking a lot like this one. Her daughter still wears the shirt b/c her friend’s really like the look — early poorgirl, Rosa says. If this style is comeing into fashion, I think I will show the manageing partner, but NOT for me, but for Margie’s baby! This way, if the baby spit’s up on the shirt, no one will notice! YAY!!!!!

    2. It looks like they ran out of fabric and pieced this together from whatever was left.

    3. I’ve been watching the TV show Damages for the first time. I noticed how dated the button down (crisp but never really crisp….) blouse is at work now, compared to the era of Damages.

    4. I’m not in love with it, but in its favor, there are no ruffles, cold shoulders, or extra sleeves on it.

  2. So I realize how naive this sounds, but do you ever get surprised when you see people esp work people in their regular lives? IDK what it is with me — I may know someone has a child, I assume they eat so they must cook sometimes, they may have mentioned gardening etc — and I just nod along. And then when I see them socially and I see them wiping a child’s nose or they’ve invited me over and cooked, it’s like — woah you have a REGULAR life?? I’m in a workaholic type of profession (cardiology) and my life consists of work and ordering takeout and a huge break in routine is drinks with friends. So when I see people my age or a few years older with these established home lives, it’s kind of shocking — like I couldn’t have imagined it. Is this literally just who I am or life stages or what?

    1. I hope that’s literal gardening you’re talking about, not “gardening”….

        1. A long time ago people wanted to talk about grown-up fun without being stuck in m0d, and someone came up with “lady garden parties.” Anyone remember who?

    2. Hah. I think that for my younger staffers, I am that person who they see ‘in the wild’ that makes them laugh.

      I work at a burn out job where we have a lot of fresh out of grad school staffers who put in a bazillion hours. I’ve stuck it through marriage and parenting. At work, I’m a take no p0op, let’s get it done kind of an employee. At home, I’m 100% hippie mom who is singing songs and biking to the farmers market.

      I wear tailored sheath dresses and ran into one of my staffers at brunch in my weekend hippie mom attire. She said on Monday that she didn’t recognize me at first…

    3. Not just you. I feel super behind in life because I’m not married and don’t have kids. All I have is work. I think in some ways my development is stunted. Like if a friend tells me she’s pg my first reaction is still, do you need a ride to the clinic (I know better than to say that though. Now.). Yeah we’re in our mid 30s and she’s been married for 10 years and trying for 5 so no not so much. But I still haven’t gotten over the fact that people my age are having babies on purpose. It’s like I’m stuck at 22 or something.

      1. I recently got pg on purpose and a big majority of my friends from college were stunned and absolutely could not possibly imagine having kids at our age… we’re 32. I have friends from home who are slightly less career-centered who were trying for kids around the same time as me, so I don’t feel like I’m totally weird, but was a strange feeling when my close friends reacted that way!

        1. Fwiw I fully realize this is a me problem! I’ve worked on my reactions so I don’t make my friends feel like I’m anything less than overjoyed for them. I’m happy for them! I’m just totally weirded out too! I feel pretty terrible that I wasn’t as excited as I should’ve been for my first friend who got pg on purpose… I’ve tried to make it up to her by being excited about all the other baby stuff.

      2. I’m not sure this stuff ever goes away. I’m 38 and have 2 preschool aged kids, but I was talking to a woman the other day who has an 11 year old and a couple of teens, who was probably less than 10 years older then me, and I kept feeling like I had to remind myself that I have a lot more in common with her than with her kids.

        1. +1 Despite having a toddler and being pregnant with baby #2, I still forget that I now fall into the “mom” category.

    4. I semi-regularly see my three-over boss at Costco with her kids and it never ceases to amaze me, because our Costco is a wholly unpleasant experience and she definitely makes enough money to Instacart it and not deal with it.

        1. Yes, Costco is fun, and they are generally a great company that treats their employees well. It’s also a shop-for-the-week-and-done trip for us. We make do if we forget something. And the kids learn about shopping. And the adults see other adults in the wild ;)

        2. I have been to Costcos that are pleasant! Mine is more like a combat zone …. something to be endured.

          1. I totally understand. There are three in my city, and while two are very fun to shop, one of them (which is in the “nice” part of town) always is horrible, from the overly aggressive folks in the parking lot to the slightly more narrow than normal aisles.

    5. For me it’s who I am and it’s not just at my work but in all professional settings. Funny you mention cardiology -I’ve posted this before. I’ve seen the same cardiologist since I was 19 so for nearly 2 decades of my life. In that time he’s mentioned a daughter once, wears no wedding ring and is generally a work horse who will send messages at 10 pm or on a holiday. My image was – he works 18 hours a day, crashes and does it again tomorrow. TWENTY years after knowing him, turns out I casually know his daughter and son in law. I look at her social media and am SHOCKED to see pictures of him and his wife, his family vacations in Europe, he and daughter are apparently hikers, he has extended family. IDK why this blew my mind — like why would he have a wife or play golf with his son in law?? IDK what it is but I feel like he and I have always gotten along great because of similar workaholic tendencies and now I’m like – wait this isn’t his life, it’s a job??

    6. “Oh, I love seeing teachers outside of school. It’s like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs.”

  3. I need help finding a fitted red trench coat. Preferably under $200 but I’m willing to spend more for something that’s great quality. Any suggestions?

  4. Where do you find fun blazers for work? I work in a business casual environment, but would like to add some fun blazers to my wardrobe. I’ve found a lot of jewel-neck and cropped blazers, but those aren’t flattering on my body type.

    1. I just ordered a couple from Anthropologie – links to follow. Two of my favorite ‘fun’ blazers (both interesting tweeds) are old Vince from Nordstrom, and Boden often has fun colors.

    2. Ugh, I’m in mod. An th ro po lo gie has some cute ones right now. Was going to link but will probably be in mod forever.

    3. Talbots. They’re great about colors and prints (I have a fun linen polka dotted one for summer).

  5. Is vitamin C serum actually worth it for aging? Like, are there studies that show that it has a long term benefits? If not, why do people use it/what are the benefits?

    1. I’m a skin care addict so I jumped on the vit C serum bandwagon. Idk if it’s worth it. It gives my skin a slightly brighter appearance and it works right away. But I have a ton of masks that do the same thing and don’t cost $80. I feel like I should choose one or the other. If you don’t have time for/interest in regular masks then I think a vit C serum is a great replacement. But if you already have a robust skin care routine I don’t think it adds much. Idk anything about studies on the longterm effects but I’d be interested in reading about it!

    2. It helps with brightness and to fade skin inconsistencies (hyperpigmentation), but if you don’t have those issues, it’s not worth the trouble. But you also don’t need to spend $80. There are plenty of brands with goo vit C serums in the $15 or below range. Check out The Ordinary or one of the many brands on Amazon with thousands of positive reviews and before/afters.

      1. Can you explain what “brightness” means? Reflective? Is it like “dewy”? It sounds really attractive to me but I don’t really know what it is.

        1. Dewy is close, but it’s more like your skin glows more and looks moisturized and healthy. Think conversely when you are sick and your color is sallow, your skin looks dull and drained – the opposite. Like how a child’s skin just looks healthy and glowing from within.

        2. I’m not the person you’re responding to, but I would say it recreates that Really Good Skin Day that sometimes happens when the stars align. Like I slept well, hydrated properly, and ate right and exercised every day that week. I would call it more refreshed than dewy. I notice a lot of dullness in my skin – and it gets worse every year – if I don’t sleep well/drink enough water/am really stressed. The serum helps correct that. It’s not enough to help dark circles though ime.

    3. Lilyana makes an amazing Vitamin C serum that is about $20 a bottle. I usually buy it on Amazon, but it isn’t available right now. It will likely become available again soon. Highly highly recommend!

    4. The Ordinary’s L-Absorbic acid powder is fantastic. I can’t tell the difference between it and philosophy turbo booster C and it’s less than $6 on the website. Can’t recommend it enough.

      1. Does it smell? I liked the turbo booster except for how it smelled mixed with my moisturizer.

        1. No, it doesn’t smell, or at least nothing that’s perceptible when mixed with your moisturizer/serum of choice.

    5. Yes, it fades hyper pigmentation and promotes collagen over time, plus the whole antioxidant thing. But get a proper one with appropriate pH and use it before it oxidizes. I recommend Drunk Elephant, Timeless (from the Timeless website, not from Amazon), Mae Love Glowmaker, Paulas Choice, or Skinceuticals.

        1. My Drunk Elephant started to oxidize within three months. The next bottle I bought, I started keeping in the fridge, and six months in, it hasn’t oxidized. (Can tell because it turns darker.)

    6. I have been using the Peter Thomas Roth Camu Camu sleeping mask and it has made the world of difference in my skin. Faded dark spots, brightened, and much better tone.

  6. For the attorneys-what are your feelings about legal aid? I do fundraising at legal aid, and many of our local attorneys don’t have goodwill feelings toward our organization. This is likely because we have many solo practioners who represent the absentee landlords (read: slumlords with excessive conditions problems who try to do illegal self-help evictions). I recognize opposing party is never going to love us, but I try to use messaging like “legal aid helps the justice system run smoothly” while appealing to fairness. Nonetheless, I’ve had attorneys tell me that my work is shameful, that we represent undesireables (obviously using stronger language), etc.

    Suggestions on how to counter these sentiments? Its frustrating because federal funding for legal aid is under attack, and we already turn away more eligible people than we serve due to funding constraints.

    We are hosting an open house in a few months, and I’m doing outreach to the Bar Associations. I’d really appreciate any suggestions on how to message our value!

    1. This is the sentiment I’ve heard from a friend who did legal aid fundraising in a small city, but it is completely different than what I’ve experienced in a large DC law firm. We just had a fundraising campaign for legal aid and attorneys from the city’s law firms have donated $1.7 million so far. We also regularly accept pro bono cases in connection with the city’s Legal Aid and other public interest organizations.

      Rather than trying to change attitudes of the attorneys representing landlords, I would focus on reaching out to attorneys that do not have related practices (think real estate, corporate, trusts and estates, business litigation, etc.). I would also focus on the larger law firms in your area rather than solo practitioners.

      1. Thanks for suggestions about practice areas. The legal aid org in our capital city does a similar large private bar campaign, which is awesome. Thanks for your firm’s support in your city!

    2. Honestly, if someone is referring to your clients as “undesireables” you won’t change their minds because it’s not legal aid that they don’t like, it’s helping the entire class of your clientele in general, don’t bother with those people and continue to emphasize with non-monsters about the need for access to representation for all people.

      It’s incomprehensible to me that attorneys don’t like legal aid. Here in Texas, it’s pretty highly regarded as necessary and many people give every year.

      1. Good perspective, and I completely agree with your analysis. Unfortunately my region is pretty low income, so you have a lot of lower middle class/working poor antagonism toward even poorer people.

    3. It’s a mixed bag. I definitely do not in anyway think your work is shameful and there are a lot of people who could only receive help for real issued with LA involvement. That said, after years of doing volunteer work for LA, including staffing many clinics, I am a bit jaded. For every client that has a true honest need, there is one trying to scam the system. I’ve been verbally abused more times than I care to count because I am a “lady lawyer” and they need a man to help them. I still donate and attend events to raise money, but I no longer volunteer.

      1. I also got the lady lawyer comment! A pro bono client referred by legal aid had been arrested on a DV charge and explained that this was because the judiciary is a giant feminist conspiracy and everyone is against the poor men and of course he is entirely innocent of attacking his wife with a baseball bat because well, she hit him first. And then he looks up at the two female lawyers assigned to his case and tells us he’s going to need a guy lawyer because, well, the feminist conspiracy. He was promptly dropped, but that was not a great experience, although most of our pro bono cases were really moving.

        1. I get it. We rep clients who often have mental illness or substance abuse issues due to the opioid epidemic, and sometimes they’re not sympathetic or even nice. I’ve even seen a few former clients posting crazy things in city Facebook groups (its a small city) about the lib*ards and snowflakes and socialism. Fortunately, the vast majority of our clients are decent people.

    4. As a public defender, I really support legal aid. Our clients and their families almost always have issues beyond just their criminal case going on, but I can only help with the criminal case. I am grateful there is an organization I can refer clients and their families to for help with civil matters. (I don’t know how it works in other places, but in my state Legal Aid deals with civil cases and the public defender deals only with criminal cases. We have a couple other separate organizations that do immigration work.)

      1. Yes, same here. I believe NY is the only state where Legal Aid takes criminal cases (and perhaps its only NYC). Thanks for the feedback!

    5. John Adams has your back.

      Sister Helen Prejean’s statement works with some modification. The original statement is “people are more than the worst thing they’ve ever done in their lives”

      Legal Aid is more than its worst clients. And people who cannot afford a lawyer sometimes just plain need one, often one that can code-switch between great levels of socio-economic status, for justice to prevail.

      Yes, there are scammers, but when working with human relationships, putting “perfect” ahead of “good” does not work in the real world. Legal Aid is a social good, and deserves to be funded as that.

    6. I started off my career as a legal aid lawyer in a very low-income community. I know some clients were difficult but I loved the chance to make a difference in a lot of lives.

      I was lucky that the community I worked in was very supportive of our organization and often hosted fundraisers for us. We also had success by registering as a CLE-provider and hosting CLEs and trainings on changing legislation, free mediation training etc. The lawyers got to attend for free, in exchange for listing themselves on our pro-bono list, or for a donation. It was much cheaper compared to online CLEs or driving up to the city for a day to get your CLEs.

      Legal aid is more than an bad tenant and perhaps you could emphasize other aspects of legal aid with attorneys that represent landlords. Perhaps try “othering” the situation…something along the lines of “some landlords give the whole industry a bad name by renting dilapidated housing for e.g. with huge water bills so CL can’t pay the amount someone else racked up on the bill and don’t have water which gets them sick and causes them to miss work.” I don’t know if it will work but maybe it will make the LL attorneys less-defensive that you are attacking their clients and explains how the LA clients are not just irresponsible free-loaders. Another not-as-nice thing to mention is that by having LA represent tenants, lawyers get to rack up more court fees instead of file defaults.

  7. Has anyone used Tinkle razors to take care of the bikini line for swimsuit season? I normally just trim everything and wear shorts but that isn’t super thorough. Regular razors and waxing tend to irritate my skin.

    1. Never tried them there, but I don’t see why not. I use Tinkle razors all over on my face/neck.

      I have extremely sensitive skin and am incredibly hairy. Like… my pubic hair runs from groin to feet, so I need to do massive shaving constantly. What does NOT irritate my skin is when I shave with hair conditioner. Even my groin is fine doing this. And then while still in the shower, I put baby oil on my skin where I shaved (but not always). Makes a huge difference.

      And I learned about both Tinkle razors and shaving with hair conditioner on this site! Thanks to all!!

    2. You didn’t ask but I suggest looking into laser hair removal. I have the world’s most sensitive bikini line and I wish I had done laser hair removal years ago. I recommend it to everyone, but especially people who react to shaving and waxing. Currently getting my underarms done too because I also have irritation there (though not nearly as bad as my bikini line).

      1. I’m less interested in spending a lot of money for a problem that only crops up a few times a year (I don’t care if there’s visible hair when I’m not in a suit). Glad it worked well for you though!

        1. I hear you. Just thought I’d suggest it as I had no idea it was as affordable/effective/amazing as it was.

      2. Recently started doing laser hair removal and I cannot believe I waited this long. Started with lower legs, that worked so well I have added underarms, and probably going to do thighs and bikini line, too. My skin is very sensitive and was always irritated when I shaved. This laser stuff is like magic.

  8. How do you get your duvet insert to stay in place? I bought an IKEA duvet insert and it’s great except for the fact that it needs pretty frequent readjustment to stay in place. My duvet has ties but there doesn’t seem to be anything on the insert to tie it to. Am I missing something? Or is there a special kind of insert with ties I need to buy? Specific recommends would be appreciated.

    1. You can grab a small section of the corner and tie to that. If you are crafty, you can sew snaps in. If you are not crafty, there are duvet/comforter clips you can buy to hold things in place and those are easy to find online or at home stores.

      1. I sewed a piece of ribbon diagonally across the corner of the duvet and tie the corners to that (That’s how my other non-ikea duvet secured the cover)

    2. I’d just stich a hair elastic to each corner of the insert you have. Confused why it moves around so much though. I’ve been sleeping with just a duvet cover and insert for years and never had this issue. Is the cover too large? Sometimes there are slight variations in the measurements of twin/double/queen inserts and covers.

      1. Some of it is just the sleeper. My husband and I each have the same (but separate) duvets. Mine is always fine, but his ends up twisted into a pretzel shape inside its cover that takes a good 5 minutes to untangle…I have no idea how he does it.

    3. My duvet insert has loops on the corner to tie the cover to. In the past I’ve sewn on a loop made of ribbon.

    4. If you mean the ties are on the cover but not on the duvet itself, just tie them around the corners of the duvet (the duvet is the comforter or part that goes inside). If they are on the duvet but not the cover, sew a ribbon inside each corner of the cover and then tie the ribbons to the ties on the duvet.

    5. I sewed ties to my duvet and my duvet cover (which I think is your “duvet insert and duvet”?) on the corners. In theory I’m going to sew snaps on it at some point.

      The other thing that makes a big difference to me is that it always slides down towards the foot of the bed, so I put the end with the opening there. Then when it bunches up a bit, I just reach in the opening, hold the edges together, and shake the thing back into place with giant laundry-snapping motions. (I stand on the edge of the bed to do this.)

      1. FYI, in my experience, snaps come unsnapped, and also are easy to pull out and create a hole. Ties seem just as good if not better.

    6. My duvet has little loops on the corners that the ties on the duvet cover can tie to. The ties still come undone though so it’s not perfect. I imagine you could DIY the loops pretty easily. I think I got the duvet from the Company Store? Idk, somewhere that was recommended here.

    7. Is an insert the same thing as a comforter? If so, I safety pin the comforter to the duvet cover at the edges.

    8. My husband FORCED me to move to comforter-only living — like we have a fluffy quilt that’s one piece and it goes through the wash. I hate it because it really limits the cuteness of our bedding options, but I have to admit I love never fighting with duvet covers any more.

    9. I just buy a bigger duvet and feel extra toasty and dont deal with the blanket duvet fitting struggle. My king duvet fits nicely (with some bunching) in my queen. it doesnt lie perfect flat when my bed is made however it just looks really fluffy.

    10. Buy a duvet cover in a smaller size than the insert – queen cover on a king insert for example.

    11. I solved this problem by marrying an anal retentive man who sewed elastic loops onto the corners of our duvet and buttons into the corners of all our duvet covers.

    12. my n on-down duvet inserts from crate & barrel have the straps on them and my duvet covers from Crane & Company have the ties in the corners as well as a zippered closure. Heavenly!

  9. Seeking job advice from the Hive! I started in house and switched 2 years ago to a regional law firm as an associate (partner in about 3 years). I like my job but don’t love my practice area. That said, my colleagues are AMAZING. Pay is fine and fair, excellent benefits, progressive firm responsibilities (I’m in charge of summer associate program next year). A connection from my prior job is offering me a job in a larger firm and city, closer to family, 20% pay raise, in an area of the law I am very interested in. I’ve met a quarter of the partners and they seem fine, but otherwise not sure on fit. I’m incredibly torn about leaving my current colleagues and trying to dissect if it’s risk aversion or if it’s too good to leave.

    Anyone left a great culture fit? Advice regarding when to stay/leave for people vs. opportunities?

    1. In my experience, I wouldn’t give up a good culture/people fit easily. Changing firms to be in a city closer to family might be a compelling enough reason to move, but I would probably not leave a firm where I liked the culture/people for a different substantive area of the law. I find that the people have more to do with my day-to-day happiness (or lack thereof).

      1. +1 I wouldn’t leave a firm with good culture for more money. I might leave to relocate to a new city depending on why I needed to be closer to my family, if I wanted to be in new city long term, etc. Good culture is much harder to find than compensation, so I value it very highly.

    2. I would try to do more research about the culture of the firm that’s offering you a position. Culture fit is very important and will affect your career development/advancement opportunities and future pay increases.

      On the other hand, if you want to switch practice areas, that’s easier to do earlier in your career. Later, it doesn’t make business sense to teach a mid-level or senior associate a new practice area because their billing rates are too high to justify the learning curve.

      The 20% pay raise may make a big difference, especially if the firm lock-steps off of that, or it may be eaten up by a higher COL in a bigger city.

    3. This is a no-brainer. Take the job. 20% pay raise is huge, and closer to family is wonderful. I changed firms after 2 years for a pay increase at a higher profile firm. It was the best career decision I ever could have made, even though I had the same concerns as you about leaving someplace with a good culture. Turns out — careers are long, firm culture constantly changes as people come and go, and the best thing you can do for yourself is maximize your opportunities for personal growth early in your career. Boost your resume and base pay so that in 15-20 years (or less!) you have total control over your career and can do and work whatever or wherever you want.

      A couple other notes: I’ve found that there is typically a 2-year honeymoon period with firms. In the first 2 years, you can really get sucked into the team environment. After 2 years, you start to see how things really work. Often, you learn that there are a lot more complicated office politics than you originally thought. Also, as someone who was put in charge of the summer associate program — run! Fast! It’s gendered work (if you’re doing the social planning) and you have to constantly convince partners and other associates to buy in and show up. It’s thankless. Or at least it was for me.

      1. This is good advice. Grab the new job. Culture changes and doesn’t pay the bills.

      2. I’d never thought about the gendered or thankless nature of the summer program, but can 100% see that being true. I’ve been a little concerned because OCIs start in a few weeks (which would be right around when I’d need to give notice) and that means I hadn’t thought much about the summer itself. Thank you for pointing that out.

    4. I left a small firm with a great culture and fit for a larger regional firm a few years ago. I will say that good culture and fit are hard to replicate and during my first year or two, I really missed that. I nearly left. In the long run though, I’ve been able to grow my practice in a way I couldn’t have at the old firm. The change in practice plus the increase and ability to be closer to family all sound like huge pluses for you too. Culture and fit are huge but they can also change – people move on, firms change – so while I agree it’s important don’t short change your career for it.

    5. Not a lawyer, but I left an awesome team that I helped build with coworkers who were besties and managers who would bend over backwards and let me do my job as I wished. I had sufficient tenure to be well connected through the company.

      My decision point at the end of the day was the challenge and the shiny carrot are what ultimately drove my personal/professional satisfaction. I’m confident that I can help influence the new team I’m on and with enough time “playing the game” I can make it what I want.

      I also made every effort to leave on the very best terms with a long transition period in hopes that I left doors open at my old employer should my priorities change in 10 years.

    6. For me, this would be way less about the job and all about whether you want to move to where the new one is located. Close to family may be a plus, but do you have an established life where you are now? I’m also not personally willing to move for a job, which I know is unusual. I’ve always lived in a major metro areas though, where jobs are plentiful, but I think that’s generally the case. All just a long way of saying, don’t discount the rest of your life in your decisionmaking.

  10. Is it too much moving if I have worked in biglaw in DC for 2.5 years, NY for about 1.5 year, and now try to lateral to California biglaw? I’m in litigation btw.

    1. Where you lived is much less important than the number of firms. Is this your third firm? If so I’d say that’s ok but not ideal. If you were at the same firm in NY + DC (and thus this would be your second firm) that’s completely fine. If you were at more than one firm in either DC or NY, and this would then be your fourth (or more) firm, then no, don’t move again.

        1. Good — family ties to the area, or there’s more work in the area of your specialty there.
          Bad — no particular reason, restlessness, didn’t get along well with the other people at your firm, encouraged to leave, etc.

          I’d say with that many moves, you should have a good story to tell.

    2. It seems a little job hoppy, regardless of the geographic moves. But I don’t know what’s normal in Biglaw.

    3. It does look job hoppy, but the two firms average out to about 2 years each which is ok but on the lower end. See how it shows on your resume when you dont list months e.g. if you say 2014-2016 and 2016-2017 that might make it appear even shorter than it was.
      Make sure your next job is one you’ll stay at for a significant length of time – ideally 4 years but at least 3.

  11. I’m sure tons of great info has been shared here previously, but alas, the search feature is not working.

    Favorite Sonoma wineries, particularly Healdsburg? 4 women, going in September. We like a fun environment and travel with multiple wine suitcases.

    1. Arrowwood (lovely tasting room experience), Papapietro Perry, Dutton Goldfield, Montemaggiore . . . I could go on and on and on.

    2. My sister and I did the “Exploration Tour & Tasting” at Gary Farrell on our sisters wine & massage weekend in May, and it ruined us for all other tasting rooms.

    3. Super-huge fan of:

      Papapietro Perry – great pinot noir if you like jammy reds
      Bella (book a cave tour–worth it) – perfect for a picnic
      J – larger and corporate but still fun
      Limerick Land – lovely family owned in a tiny valley–gorgeous
      Kobler (in downtown Healdsburg–the owner is a kick, winery is not scenic though)
      Siduri (in downtown Healdsburg–one of the best producers of pinot noir, sadly recently acquired by big corporate overlords)

      You can get good maps at the Sonoma Wine Road website, and Sunset Magazine definitely has a “day in Healdsburg” article you should pull up. Have fun!

    4. I’m not sure if any of these are in Healdsburg, but I really enjoyed Benzinger, Imagery, and Gloria Ferrer.

    5. Ahh, you’re going to where our summer place is! Good suggestions on here. I’d consider booking West Wine Tours – they drive you around in a cute little VW. My favorites in Healdsburg are Thomas George (small producer, all their wines are great, you can picnic on their grounds), Graciana (super small producer, if you get lucky you can get a tour of the winemakers’ home on the property). Lambert Bridge is great for sitting outside with a bottle of their wine (they also sell cheese & crackers there so you don’t need to arrive prepared). J is lovely for sparkling, but make a reservation to sit outside & get the cheese plate. If you head over to the Russian River side, Iron Horse has spectacular views & oysters on Sundays. Going a little more toward Sebastapol, which may be on your way back to SF, I love Horse & Plow (large yard to hang out in, they have noshes & also serve cider. They’ll pour by the glass or do tastings, so it’s nice when you don’t want another round of a bunch of wine).

    6. If you love zinfandel:
      Seghesio — just on the edge of town in Healdsburg — amazing lunchtime food and wine pairing in the upstairs library that is definitely enough food for a full meal.
      A. Rafanelli — have to make an appointment in advance as they are not open to the public.

      If you love pinot noir:
      Rochioli
      Littorai — appointment needed here too, but well worth it. You get a tour of their entire biodynamic operation and great tasting session for their (pricier) wines.
      Merry Edwards

      Gorgeous grounds for picnicking: Quivira
      Two other favorite small producers:
      Frick — all Rhone varietals — Bill Frick is the grower, winemaker, and tasting room pourer; great guy.
      Unti — mostly Italian varietals — really nice people here as well.

  12. I posted last week about being let go from my relatively new law firm job. I need some advice about what to do all day/how to stay motivated. I know I should be looking for jobs/networking and working on applications but… I just feel like lying on the couch and watching tv all day which is definitely not productive.

    I haven’t had this much unstructured time since I was studying for the bar.

    Thanks all!

    1. If you want to move quickly, you can throw your hat in the ring for a temp position, though we are so attuned to Being Busy All.The.Time. that you might miss that you are also processing loss – a form of grieving – which is a healthy response if it’s temporary. Think on what you liked, what you could skip, your skills and talents, and what fit and what needs a better work-home. Talk to your law school’s career center. As cheesy as it sounds, they have aggregated information and can help you help yourself.

      Yes, get a to-do list going. If you are busier with other people around, set up your laptop at Starbucks or the library or even your local job center and have at it.

      You will get there. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

    2. when I spent 12 weeks unemployed (getting paid for it) it was tough. you have to make a schedule for yourself and STICK to it.
      even if it includes slacking off time. schedule it!
      mine was like,
      2 hours of reading for pleasure.
      1 hour of exercise of some sort.
      3 hours of job activity – hunting, bookmarking postings, messing with resume, interviews, meetings, etc.
      2 hours of some miscellaneous house chore – cleaning, projects, outdoor maintenance or a home project.

      1. Are you active in your local bar association? Write an article for the periodical, volunteer for a low income/ pro bono case. Stay engaged!

    3. Sorry for what you’re going through. I have friends who set mini-goals like “I will look at 20 postings and apply to 3 jobs today” – they checked every one off and then built a crazy Excel spreadsheet to track follow up. It seems that tracking who you talked to/called and when to follow up is just as time consuming as filling out applications and sending resumes. I didn’t see this thread before so NOT trying to repeat anything, but at least in my region of the country there are a lot of openings for legal jobs, so I’m sincerely hopeful you will find a new fit soon. Hang in there.

    4. Are we at the same firm? I’m actually in the same boat as well and here’s what I have decided to do:

      1. Get out of my apartment ASAP when I wake up in the morning and go to a coffee shop to work on job applications. I then work on my job applications/networking emails from the coffee shop.

      2. After about 2 hours doing that, I hop on the subway, eat lunch at the firm, and then work on whatever pro bono projects I have at the office.

      3. I eat dinner at the office around 5/6pm, get home and exercise.

      In general, I’m finding that the key is to work at a coffee shop and going to the office with a specific goal in mind. I also need to be at the office because I don’t want other people suspect that I’m being let go, but being inside my office is unproductive now that I no longer have firm deadlines, so that’s why I’m only spending my afternoons in the office. Working on pro bono stuff has been helpful because it keeps my mind sharp and gives me an opportunity to build connections with people, who have actually referred me jobs. My evenings are for exercising at the gym, because it’s too easy to just be lazy and go on a Youtube rabbit hole if I just head home.

      The thing I find the most uncomfortable is actually the few senior associates and partners who know about my situation flat out ignoring me when I pass by them in the hallway. That’s just rude and unnecessary.

  13. I’m currently 11.2 weeks pregnant and deciding when to tell my BigLaw job. My instinct is to wait as long as possible, but I am heading on a two week vacation at the end of August and am concerned that by the time I return I will have “popped” and won’t be able to hide my bump. This would make things awkward, because the partner that I need to tell first is regularly out of the office, so it may be a few days before I am able to tell him.

    For context, I am a 4th year, and the group I work with is not particularly family-friendly/supportive of working mothers, and is particularly busy lately.

    Should I tell the week before I head out on vacation (at 13 weeks) or do I tell when I get back (16 weeks, with a potentially un-hideable bump)? Thanks!

    1. I have had three babies while at BigLaw, and each time I told between 15 and 17 weeks. I always say that you should tell before everyone knows that you are pregnant (including relatively clueless colleagues). Do not be fodder. I have had multiple colleagues wait until they are past 20 weeks (and even up to 7 months along), and this is awkward. It shows that you cannot trust your colleagues to act appropriately about life news (even if that is a real concern).

      If I were you, I would tell right after returning from vacation.

    2. I would just tell whenever it will give you peace of mind. From what you’ve written, I think you’ll enjoy your vacation more if you tell before-hand. The fear with telling earlier is that the partners will stop giving you as many/as good of assignments. But you presumably don’t want to be getting assignments while on vacation, so I don’t think it would hurt to tell earlier in this situation. Really, just go with what makes you feel more comfortable; there’s not a wrong answer in your situation. (And I personally don’t think it would matter if you waited to tell until you had a fairly obvious bump– it likely won’t be THAT obvious at 16 weeks with a 1st baby anyway).

      Also seriously impressed you can take a 2-week vacation as a biglaw 4th year.

    3. Personally, I would probably wait, but I’m totally team wait as long as possible. (1) At 16 weeks you are firmly beyond the first tri and the risk goes down a bit, (2) even if there’s someone you “need” to tell first, if they are out of the office, I promise it won’t be an issue if they don’t know first. I say wait and let your appearance do the talking for you when you return. (PS – 2 week vacation while pregnant? Ballsy move).

      1. Thanks! This will be my first vacation in 2.5 years and just finished up a trial. I need it for my sanity.

    4. Tell them when you get back from vacation. Definitely. If they aren’t very family friendly, then telling them you are pregnant right before you go on vacation isn’t going to improve the situation. Also, you want to be in the office after everyone finds out so you can control the narrative.

      1. +1 I think either tell at 12 weeks so that you can control the narrative before leaving for vacation at 13 weeks, or tell as soon as you get back. Talk to your boss’ assistant to confirm that they’ll be in the office when you return from vacation. I am also on team wait as long as possible, but for whatever reason it was really important to me that I be sharing news rather than confirming rumours, so I ended up disclosing at 10 weeks with my first pregnancy because I was hurling into my office trash can fairly regularly and at 12 weeks with my second pregnancy because I couldn’t hide my belly anymore.

    5. I’m confused. Why is it better to be able to hide your bump when you tell them you’re pregnant? Surely it’s perfectly fine to be visibly pregnant while telling people that you’re pregnant…

      1. The concern is that I would be visibly pregnant and have folks gossiping about it before I have a chance to tell who I need to tell.

        1. People always worry about this, but honestly I think a lot of folks probably know you’re pregnant already (my SIL knew I was pregnant at 8 weeks because my face was already a bit bloated) and a lot of folks (eg, most men) won’t notice until you’re waddling around with an 8 month belly. I don’t think it matters whether you tell at 12 weeks or 16 weeks.

    6. Read through your HR details first. Get the vaca under your belt and then tell them then, starting with the partner. It’s typically month 5 when speculation can arise. Some of this is more about if your wardrobe is Team Show The Bump (fitted), or Team Flowing/Draping fabrics. Both teams are awesome, look over your wardrobe to see what team you will be supporting in late August/September.

    7. My personal opinion (based on several pregnancies and the experiences of many pregnant co-workers) is once you’re past the 10-12 week mark, it’s better to inform as soon as possible, unless there’s some truly specific reason (like waiting until after a performance review with a dodgy boss). You get the respect for your openness and willingness to plan, people are often happier for your news than you’d expect, and you don’t have the awkward thing where people strongly suspect but don’t dare mention. Caveat that I”m not a lawyer.

    8. I would tell before vacation, partly so you don’t have it hanging over you while you’re trying to relax, and partly to kick in your legal pregnancy discrimination protections, just in case.

    9. I took a 2-wk vacation around the same time with my first preg, came back and told managing partner (who also happened to be the one I work most closely with) the first day back from vacation. No one had suspected, everyone was supportive, but it was definitely nice to be around to as someone said above control the narrative. I would have felt more stressed dropping that news then immediately leaving for a couple of weeks where I was trying to go off the grid as much as one can. Second the rec above for reading HR policies before announcing. While I wasn’t really showing much, I did avoid the obvious bump-highlighting clothes until after I announced, to avoid any speculation, but honestly if your firm is like mine and most others with mostly older guys in the partnership, I can almost guarantee you they’re not going to notice until you tell them.

      1. But, like, what narrative needs controlling? You’re pregnant. Lots of people get pregnant and everybody has been a baby, so it doesn’t seem that out there to me?

        1. My firm was very supportive so there really wasn’t much to control, but I felt better knowing that I would be there in case, for instance, they weren’t so supportive and started doing things like taking me off deals, etc. (which I’ve heard of but thankfully never experienced). I also liked being able to be proactive by, having just told them I didn’t intend to slow down for the time being, backing that up with hitting the hours hard in the couple of weeks after announcing. Maybe not necessary, but I felt better doing so.

        2. Of course lots of women get pregnant and have babies. But lots of pregnant women and mothers also suffer from subtle and not-so-subtle workplace discrimination as a result, so being around to control the narrative around your pregnancy (eg. that your maternity leave will not negatively impact the firm, that you are enthusiastic about new assignments even though you are pregnant, that you will do all you can to ensure smooth transition of work before your maternity leave, that you remain committed to you work and an asset to the firm, that you are still capable and not afflicted by “pregnancy brain, that you will need some additional flexibility to attend specialist appointments but that you work product will not be impacted, etc.) is, unfortunately, necessary for many women working in industries were most of their bosses and their bosses’ bosses are men.

    10. YMMV, but I’m 16 weeks, normally on the cusp of plus sizes, and I don’t believe anyone could tell if I hadn’t told them. All my normal clothes still fit. I agree with those who said best to be around just so people don’t have two weeks to speculate on your upcoming life changes in your absence. Enjoy your vacation, and congrats!

  14. This might be kind of a long shot, but does anyone have any auto bodyshop recommendations for the DC/NOVA area? Anyone you trust and have had a good experience with?

    Thanks!

    1. I had a good experience with Caliber Collision near Baltimore after hitting a deer, and realized after they are a chain. If you have one that is local, check their reviews and then decide?

    2. We’ve used Jack’s Auto Body in Bailey’s Crossroads twice after fender benders.

    3. YES! I actually do! After my mother backed my brand new Highlander into a pole (seriously, I’d had it only a few weeks), I called the dealership and they recommended Priority Collision of Springfield. Apparently some (all?) Toyota dealerships don’t do their own collision work, but instead contract with independent body shops in town that have to meet their exacting standards. Before this shop was affiliated with Toyota, they were an independent, woman-owned car shop! (Their old name was CAR Collision Center, if you’re looking for reviews.) If you go in, you’ll see the owner, her sister, and her daughter. They’re a hoot to work with and know their stuff. Bonus: there’s an Enterprise car rental within walking distance. And yes, they gladly work on all cars, not just Toyotas.

      http://prioritycollisionspringfield. com/

      (703) 455-0181

      7399 Ward Park Ln Springfield, VA 22153

    4. I had a really good experience with one of the Caliber Collisions in Chantilly after I, uh, banged my front end into a concrete pillar in a parking garage. I can’t remember if it was the one at 14150 Willard Rd or 14000 Willard Rd, though. Looking at Google Maps, I want to say it was 14150.

  15. I need advice and can’t ask anyone in real life.

    Last week my husband called me “a crazy person” on two separate occasions, both times repeating it a couple of times and saying it in front of our children and his parents. The second occasion was at a restaurant, after my toddler asked me to blow on his (very hot) French fry. I told kiddo “no” because I didn’t want him to burn his tongue, but also blew on his food.

    On the way back from the restaurant (all of us in the car, my husband sitting next to me in the back), I told him not to call me that again and that if he did I would be sure to do something embarrassing to call him out for it. Our argument escalated to his position of “I’ll talk any way I want to and don’t threaten me,” and we’ve essentially been avoiding each other for the past week.

    We generally have a pretty calm relationship and don’t argue very often. This is the first time he has called me names in this manner, so I feel blind-sided and very hurt. I don’t want my children to think this is a healthy response in any relationship. I’m not looking to leave him, so please offer advice that I will actually act on.

    How do I address this? I’m sure he’s expecting an apology for threatening him even though obviously I wouldn’t have said such a thing if I weren’t feeling hurt, unsupported, and provoked. I do not hold with name-calling at all (even “affectionately,” which this was NOT) because my mother was verbally and emotionally abusive and liked to call me names growing up.

    1. Instead of sulking around quietly for a week, can you sit down with him and talk about it? At a time when you both are fed, and well rested?

      Does he know about your childhood, and how scarred you are from it? Can you calmly tell him how he made you feel?

      I’m not sure I even ?understand your first incident with the blowing, but agree that calling someone “crazy” is rude and inappropriate. BUT the tone is also important, as that word is thrown around (unfortunately) casually without a truly negative intention. However, it is also inappropriate in this day and age, and I say this as someone who comes from a family with a lot of mental illness. Not something you want your kids to start saying.

      Also – have you received therapy for what you went through in childhood? You deserve it, and since you are still quite raw, I strongly encourage this or your adulthood,marriage, and ability to raise your children well in the face of adversity will be challenged.

    2. Is he under a lot of stress? Are there other non-name-calling red flags you’ve noticed in the past to suggest this is not new, but an escalation?

    3. Honestly, this sounds like a red flag to me. Several women in my life have had partners who liked to call them crazy, batty, and similar and it went hand-in-hand with other verbal abuse and public put-downs that worsened over time. I would sit down with your husband, talk calmly and rationally, explain that name-calling is absolutely off-limits, and see what his response is. If he insists that the ability to call you crazy is more important than your feelings, then at least you know where your relationship stands. Good luck.

    4. I do not condone his actions/comments, but the idea that your response to it was to tell him “I’ll call you worse” (I’m assuming also in front of the children) isn’t exactly healthy either.

      1. I interpreted the comment differently. More like, Oh you think I’m crazy I’ll SHOW you crazy. Not name calling back. Still not healthy and not a conversation to be had in front of kids. OTOH I can totally see myself saying something like, Don’t ever call me crazy, believe me you will not like my response if that word ever comes out of your mouth again.

      2. Yeah, and especially in front of the family. I feel like this should have been addressed privately.

    5. Is it possible he doesn’t view “crazy person” as an insult? I’m not sure I understand the situation you describe with the french fry or what the conversation or his tone was like or whether he was intending to tease rather than insult? I don’t personally think “crazy person” is something anyone should see lightly and definitely understand why you took it as an insult, but I also know people who throw that sort of language around casually and might not get why it’s insulting or problematic. I think I’d want to first make sure you were on the same page on what it means when he calls you that.

    6. I don’t really get what you were trying to say with the french fry incident, but maybe the details aren’t so important anyway. It seems that he insulted you, you escalated, and he escalated further. Not very constructive from either of you.
      Is he aware of your verbally abusive mom-backstory? It seems he should be, since you’ve been together long enough to have a toddler. If not, you might wanna give him some background.

      Is this the first time that your communication blew up like this? If so, I would try to figure out what changed. If this is more of a pattern, some counseling can help with developing better communication.

      Personally, I would apologize for threatening my husband, while making it clear that I am very hurt. Then tell him that you want to fix this, and you want to move on, suggesting how exactly. To do that, you’ll have to figure out what is your expected outcome (might be as simple as – he shouldn’t call you names going forward) and then just ask that of him.

    7. I mean, you did kind of threaten him, right? I don’t think either of you are acting super great here. Sounds like you need some couples counseling.

    8. It’s totally unacceptable to call you crazy. But you didn’t handle this well either. You described the second incident – did you talk to him after the first time?

      The timing of calling him out is super problematic. If you had done it in the moment – “Ouch that’s not nice!” – then cool by all means. But if you’re going to wait until after the fact, then it needs to be behind closed doors. Not in his parents’ back seat while they’re driving you home. Like seriously how awkward and embarrassing for everyone involved. His poor parents. Your poor kid (if old enough to notice). The timing seems intentionally choreographed to embarrass him – just like you threatened. I don’t think he’s pissed at you just because you threatened to embarrass him, he’s pissed because you DID embarrass him and you disrespected his parents in the process.

      1. That is very true. But also I want to tell you that we’ve all been there. I have a very loving relationship with my DH, but I have two active demanding kids and there are times when I’m not proud of the things I’ve said to him, or I’ve reacted in bad ways to something he did, escalating the situation. It’s natural.
        Stop the detente, act with kindness towards him and you should expect to see the same from him.

    9. Do you think having this conversation in the car with his parents (I assume they were in the front seats seeing as you and your husband were together in the back seat?) impacted his reaction? I have found that the best way to deal with this is to say something direct but non-emotional in the moment (eg. “Please don’t call me names. It’s not respectful.”) or to find a quiet moment when you are alone to have a longer discussion about why he thought that was okay and why you were hurt and why it shouldn’t happen again.

      In general though, I don’t think threatening your spouse ever has great results.

  16. It was recommended above, but can those of you who have done this talk about your experience? How many sessions did it take? How long until you felt comfortable to not shave? I’m assuming this is not something you can just do the week before going to the beach. FWIW, pale skin and dark hair here, which I’ve heard is optimal.

    1. Also dark hair, medium/light skin, and it worked well for me. I had…six sessions? It was about a decade ago. It was not super painful, but more analagous to someone slapping a rubber band on your skin. The discomfort went away within an hour of the session, so you could go to the beach in terms of there being no skin irritation, but the hair won’t be gone right away.

    2. I have pale skin and dark hair, and it’s working well for me. I also have a very sensitive bikini area and just finally had ENOUGH with waxing/shaving/redness/ingrowns. I think I’ve had six sessions – started back in October, going about every 7-8 weeks. At my last session, my therapist declared my underarms were done, and I had pretty much stopped shaving them by about session 5. My bikini is probably going to need another two sessions, but I hardly shave there anymore either since the hair that hasn’t yet been obliterated isn’t visible in my bathing suit. But you’re right, you can’t do it and then expect to go the beach – both because your hair will take a while to grow out, and because you are supposed to avoid sun exposure on the treatment area.

      I do think it hurts, but it’s not unbearable. More unpleasant than painful, except for one or two spots. And it’s over so fast – like 10 or 15 minutes, and then you have 7-8 weeks before having to endure it again. But I think it’s worth it – wish I’d done it sooner!

    3. I had a monkey face…like need a face wax every 1.5 weeks. I had 6 sessions and then maintenance sessions (once every three months or so) for a year. I never shaved my face. I am SO SO happy with it. I am olive skinned with dark hair

      I bought an at-home laser from Costco online that i use to touch up my face every 6 months or so now. I have tried using it on my legs and arms but haven’t had much success (because I am lazy, do it infrequently, and it’s a huge area so I think my small at-home laser and short sessions combined don’t do much).

    4. While I would describe the bikini line treatments as not pleasant, I made it though three and that was fine. This was a few years ago and the hairs are beginning to come back, but my real issue is that I think it caused my skin to discolor and darken right on my bikini line.

    5. I had about eight sessions which probably took ~two years because I didn’t do it too often.
      But it’s not something that you can do just before the beach, I don’t think. First, you have to shave before the laser treatment (my technician told me that the hair would absorb ‘laser energy’ which should be going into the follicle for maximum effect) so you really might as well just shave before you go to the beach. Second, my technician told me that it’s better to do laser 4 weeks after your last sun exposure and 4 weeks before your next sun exposure. Direct sun on the laser-treated area within that window could lead to discolouration of the skin.
      Having said all of that, I definitely recommend laser treatment in general. I didn’t find it too painful on my bikini, and I love the result. In my experience, it also completely solved the problem of ingrown hairs that I was getting from waxing (plus it hurt A LOT less than waxing).

  17. I’m planning a trip to La Jolla with two girls, ages 11 and 13. Any recommendations for fun things to do in that area for kids that age? Obviously the main event is the beach, but any other ideas would be welcome.

    1. Sea Lion Cove (spot to stand along the sidewalk and see tons of sea lions)
      Favorite restaurant: Puesto
      Gelato: Bobboi (right by the beach)
      Lots of shopping close to the beach (up the hill)
      If you’re visiting the greater San Diego area and not just La Jolla, that opens up the options quite a bit. Zoo, Wild Animal Park, Sea World, Legoland is in the wider vicinity. Mission Beach. Coronado (visit the hotel if you’re into fancy meals). Rent kayaks or SUPs in the bay.
      Padres game if you are into that.

  18. I’ve heard many great things about Nordstrom’s return policy but I’ve never actually used it. I ordered Spanx during the NAS, and threw out the box and receipt when it arrived, took off the tags and wore them. After a full day I realized I find them very uncomfortable and would like to return them if possible. Think its possible?

    1. You wore them already? And there’s nothing wrong with them? I mean, they might take them back but I feel like that’s kind of pushing it.

      1. Yeah, aren’t spanx a commando thing? That’s like returning worn underwear…

        1. I didn’t wear them commando! I didn’t even know that’s how you’re supposed to wear them!

      2. This. Will they take them back? Probably. They’re really l*beral about that kind of thing. Should you? I vote no. How is that they’re fault? How could they possibly resell that?

    2. If you know which credit card you bought it on, that may be enough for them to pull up your order.

      Also, if you ordered online, then surely you have an email with an order number and info?

    3. I don’t know if you can, but I don’t think you should– Spanx are basically underwear, and you wore them. I don’t think you need to return that.

    4. WILL they take them back? Likely; they’re known for such behavior. SHOULD you return them? People are of two mindsets here: (1) if Nordstrom accepts such returns, they must consider it in their best interest as a retailer and why shouldn’t you take advantage? and (2) although Nordstrom accepts such returns, it’s not exactly ethical to return something just because you didn’t try it out thoroughly before wearing it “for real.”

    5. I think as long as you’re honest that you wore them once, it’s not wrong or unethical to ask for a return. If they choose to accept a worn item, that’s their choice (and I think they probably will take them back, because Nordstrom wins over customers by being very generous with returns).

      1. Agreed, if it’s their policy to accept such returns then I don’t understand why it’s unethical to return them. Pretty surprised by the comments here. I basically live in Athleta in large part because of their give-it-a-workout guarantee. For example, it’s really hard to know in the dressing room whether the band of my yoga pants will start to roll 20 minutes into class, or whether my running tights will sag or roll or chafe weirdly an hour into my run. I really appreciate that I can return them and try a different pair if they don’t work out. And that’s why I’m willing to spend upwards of $70 for a pair of leggings instead of getting them at Target.

        1. I agree that it’s fine to return an item worn once that turns out to be too uncomfortable because it’s Nordstrom’s policy to accept such returns. I think the policy to accept worn returns is absolutely for this kind of issue—wore once, and it turned out not to work for the customer. This is how Nordstrom gets amazing customer loyalty and customers to spend more there than they might without such a policy.

      2. Agreed. I think it’s a different story than getting them, wearing them 10 times and returning 6 months down the road.

        There are definitely ways to abused the Nordstrom return policy and this doesn’t seem like one of them.

    6. I would look on their website and see if their policy requires that tags still be attached. If not, you are probably fine.

      1. In California. I don’t think you can return under garments or swimsuits under the conditions you describe.

  19. Does anyone know how long it takes things to stop being “Hi, I’m New” on Old Navy? There’s a popover I want but I’d like to be able to use a coupon. :P

  20. I’ve gotten there, the end-of-summer ennui that hits those of us in areas of the country that have already started school. Summer is decidedly over for anyone with kids in school around here, and yet we still have at least a solid month of weather above 90 and very summery.

    Some part of me is deeply torn between trying to buck up and pretend it’s fall (new school supplies! fall scents and flavors! new goals! apples! hay bales!) and trying to lean into the remaining month of actual summer (our kid isn’t in school yet, so we have zero reason to actually act like it’s fall, other than the weird fact that all school-related calendars have kicked into gear, which is all the families we hang/playgroup/church with). For a variety of reasons I can’t take much time off right now, but I’m considering trying to plan a few last hurrah lake days and things like that.

    I don’t necessarily have a point or a question, other than asking whether anyone else experiences this one-foot-in-each-world-so-in-neither-well feeling in August. Most of myself is still squarely stuck in dreamy summer energy of sunshine and relaxing and lots of people OOO so a slower pace at work. Dawdling. Easily distracted. Guilty because I can’t seem to galvanize any kind of extended focus, which is not my usual self.

    I want…to…be…so…productive and have that shiny new beginning of the school year energy, but I do not. It’s a weird dog days of summer slump– how do you get yourself out of something like this?

    1. Ugh, where do you live that starts school in JULY!? Our public schools start around August 15th and I thought that was bad.

        1. What’s the logic of not having school in the summer? We aren’t an agrarian based society anymore.

        2. I think there’s increasing evidence that kids regress academically over a long summer (especially less advantaged kids who don’t go to expensive educational summer camps). So a lot of school districts are switching to a longer school year and a shortened summer. Our schools start in early August and let out in mid-June so kids only have about 8 weeks off. It’s annoying because we have to do all our family vacations/traveling to the grandparents within the space of a couple months and the kids don’t get long lazy summers like I had growing up. But I certainly understand the reasoning.

    2. Just embrace it! You can be productive and get that fall energy when it is actually fall. You don’t actually have to be on and productive All. The. Time.

    3. Our public schools start the Wednesday after Labor Day. Where are you? It’s still summer !!!

      1. Our schools start at the beginning of August as well, and you just have to adjust. I’d drop the association you have with school starting/crisp fall/productive and just enjoy the summer. You don’t have to feel shiny and productive just because people who are not you or your family are going to school.

        The schools start that early because they are on a year-round schedule and have longer breaks at other times in the year. Besides, August here is miserable — like living in a blast furnace. Why not be inside and take a break later when it’s actually pleasant to be outside?

      2. Ours also start after Labor Day and I hate it, mostly because it just seems mean for kids to still be in school the third week of June. I’d much rather them start in mid-August and finish around Memorial Day.

    4. I don’t think about seasons AT ALL. Like ever. My older kid only just started elementary so I have to schedule some summer camps and plan pickups etc but it’s more of a nuisance than anything. I am in Nor Cal so the weather is the same most of the year anyway.

  21. Tips for doing your own bridal makeup? I’m not someone to typically wear elaborate makeup (a normal day is tinted SPF + light powder + light mascara). I’m not looking for a dramatic look, just a bit more on my eyes and lips, and maybe some undereye concealer. Should I start with talking to someone at Sephora / department store counter?

    I’m willing to buy new products if they’re things I will end up using anyway (like for other dressy occasions), but I’m not interested in anything particularly $$.

    1. I did my own makeup, and my usual routine is like yours.

      I got the Laura Mercier flawless face kit and was very very pleased with the results. More work than I’d ever do everyday, but I’ve used it plenty for special occasions since.

      I also wore decently heavy eyeliner for pictures (glad I did), and used a setting spray because I knew there was a strong possibility of sweating. I’m now a regular setting spray user just because I like it. I also recommend going to Sephora during a weekday (so they aren’t slammed) and asking for suggestions. The very nice ladies there gave me a TON of samples and showed me how to use them once they realized it was for wedding makeup.

    2. I have a friend who did this and did a lesson with a makeup artist ahead of time (not associated with any counter or store) – if you’re in DC she highly recommended her! Regardless, this sounds like a great idea — even “non-dramatic” looks can take more product than you’d be used to, especially in photos, and you want to make sure you don’t have flashback etc.

    3. I also did my own. I normally don’t use primer, but did for the wedding and am glad I did. I used Smashbox Photo Finish. Also used a Makeup Forever setting powder on top of my normal concealer/foundation (well, CC cream). Also recommend doing your eyes heavier than you normally would.

    4. Seconding everyone else. I normally wear only blush and powder, occasionally lipgloss. On my wedding day, I put on some eyeliner and mascara, bronzer and a bit more blush than normal, and a bold lip color. I might have done a subtle eyeshadow, too. I am happy with how I look in the photos, and it was a low-stress day. I also did my own bouquet and it turned out great.

    5. I did my own and used a Lisa Eldrige tutorial on YouTube. I bought most of the products she recommended (except the Tom Ford lipstick, holy spendy Batman!) I did a couple trial runs and in the end it worked out great.

    6. If you have a friend who’s good with makeup, ask for her help. I serve this function for many of my friends – I help them choose products and do their makeup on their wedding day. I’m not a professional makeup artist at all, just a regular gal who spends a lot of her money at Sephora.

      1. +1 I have done this for several friends (and several of my bridesmaids on my own wedding day!). If you have a makeup-savvy friend who does makeup looks you like, why not ask for their help/advice! Might make any Sephora/department store shopping a bit less intimidating too :)

    7. I did my own. I love the way my makeup looked. I look like myself in all the photos.

      I watched a couple of you tube videos and used some tips I picked up for a more dramatic eye than I would usually do, and used a slightly heavier hand with everything in general. So, darker lip, more blush, etc. I didn’t actually follow a full routine recommended in any of the videos though because it was way too complicated and looked more “done” than I wanted it to when they were done.

      The new things I bought were: a lip stain, Nyx bb cream (I usually use one with SPF), some new brushes, finishing powder, and finishing spray. I otherwise used all makeup I already had. Frankly I’m unlikely to use the finishing spray basically ever again but it _did_ make my makeup stay pretty well despite the fact that the wedding was outside and it was warm, so it was worth the ten bucks or whatever I spent on it. The rest I’ll use again.

    8. I did this — the one thing I wished I had done was make a list of steps — i.e., 1) face primer, 2) eye primer, 3) etc. . . . I was so excited the day of that I forgot things and had to start over (i.e. put on foundation without primer, removed it to start again) or did things in a less than ideal order (doing eye makeup after my face was done and having to address a little bit of fallout). I think a list would have helped!

  22. I’m headed to Saudi Arabia for work, on a western compound, with mostly Westerners (US, UK, Australian). My plan is to take a few Land’s End fit & flare dresses with 3/4 sleeves, which, I think will go past my knees. I’m speaking with women who have worked/do work there, but wanted your perspective, too. Does this sound appropriate?

    1. never been to SA, but been to a few middle eastern countries, I and my female colleagues always wear long skirt / pants, with long sleeves shirts. Unless you plan on never leaving the compound, and only taking company shuttles, and not being left alone anywhere, which are a lot of ‘if’ ….

    2. I haven’t been since they changed the rule on wearing an abaya, but I would still take one to wear in the airport just to make your life easier (particularly if you’re flying into Riyadh – if you’re flying to Jeddah, you might be fine without). On western compounds people wear whatever they want, so I wouldn’t buy anything new just for that. I can’t speak to those dresses specifically, but if they are a heavy ponte fabric, I would go for something lighter with longer sleeves. You’ll probably be in air conditioning all the time which might run colder than you expect, and when you’re outside you’ll want longer sleeves for sun protection.

    3. For all the sweat I had, I still found it was easier to wear pants and loose fitting linen shirts. You never know if you need to go off campus or even just to grab a bite/sightsee.

    4. 3/4 sleeves are not appropriate. You should wear full long sleeves and definitively below the knee skirts (or pants). I found wearing the abaya easier, so I didn’t have to pull together outfits, but even then it is best to be dressed conservatively underneath. You may leave the compound, go to dinner, etc and you need to be prepared to be culturally appropriate

  23. My spouse and I are thinking about spending 8-10 days in Positano toward the end of October. Any suggestions for hotels, activities, tours to do while we are there?

    1. Do a Capri tour (if you can’t stay overnight there). Visit the other towns along the coast. You can take the bus up to Ravello, walk down to Atrani, and take the ferry back so that you get the views from both the road and the water.

    2. We spent 10 days across Positano and Amalfi last September- Positano was busy, touristy, and much less relaxing than Amalfi, in my opinion. We stayed at the San Pietro in Positano, and at the Santa Caterina in Amalfi. The Santa Caterina might be my favorite hotel in the entire world. We enjoyed taking a day trip by private boat to Capri, although I wish we had spent one night on Capri. We also enjoyed a day trip to Ravello, and spending a morning doing the hike of the gods- Il Sentiero degli Dei – we did it backwards, ending in Positano, and had a great time on an early morning.

    3. Pompeii! You can do a tour or go there on your own. I appreciated the explanations I got on the tour – I think through Walks of Italy? – but felt a little rushed. I’d like to go back and spend more time there.

  24. My dad just told me he’s going back to graduate school! He’s going to be doing a remote executive MBA. I’m super proud of him!

    Any ideas of a little gift I could send? I thought about just a shirt or hat from his school (since he’s not physically close to campus) with a note. I would have done M&Ms in the school colors but it’s summer and he lives in the south. He works a traveling consultant if that makes any difference, but I’m thinking more something small for home.

  25. A poll of low consequence for the end of the day:

    Is three colors of the same dress ONE TOO MANY?

    I found my unicorn -1 knit dress (true unicorn would have pockets) and I’m thinking of keeping it in all three colors…which seems insane, but I truly love this dress and it fits my needs almost exactly. I’m definitely keeping the color I love (olive, have worn it twice), keeping the color I like pretty well (berry, worn it once) and I’m on the fence about keeping the third one (yellow, kept tags on while I decide). The yellow one is the least flattering shade for me but it’s also a very pretty shade, and I don’t have much yellow, so it’s tempting. But is it just crazy to have three colors of the same dress and will I then look bizarre wearing one iteration of this dress each week?

    1. I don’t think it’s crazy at all, especially since they’re drastically different colors and it sounds like the dress is pretty simple. If the yellow isn’t flattering, you might be less likely to wear it, but I don’t think anyone would think you look bizarre.
      But the real question is, where can the rest of us find this magic dress?!

    2. My philosophy is that I find something I love, I buy it in EVERY color that works on me. I own the same dress in 6 colors! And another in 3 colors. I own three pairs of the same heel in different colors. I am so hard to fit (petite but hourglass, wide but tiny feet) that if something works, I just go for it. This keeps me from buying other things that don’t quite fit and then require tailoring (or worse, just live in my closet unused).

    3. Get rid of the yellow. You don’t really like it so you’ll never reach for it. If you love the dress that much, get a spare in the olive so you’ll have a replacement when it starts to show wear.

      1. This! If you want the versatility, find a completer piece in a color you like to conceal some of the yellow….grey, navy, other blues

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