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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
b23
About how many calories do you burn per mile when you keep about a 10 minute pace running outside? I know it varies based on where you’re running, but can someone give me a general range? Thanks!
Anony
Depends on your weight. See e.g.:
http://www.runnersworld.com/article/0,7120,s6-242-304-311-8402-0,00.html
Supra
I would guess between 50 and 75 per mile, depending on a lot of factors. I estimate that I burn 50 per mile running easy pace, 75 per mile running medium pace, and 100 per mile running hard effort (race pace/workouts). I think the primary factor is how “hard” 10-minute pace feels for you. I think that if I’m running at a pace that I can sustain over a fairly long distance (easy to medium pace), then my body is working efficiently and not buring as many calories.
Supra
As an aside about how inaccurate calorie counters on machines are, just the other day, I was watching the calorie tracker on the treadmill (out of boredom/playing games i.e. will the calorie count get to x before the mileage gets to y — I bet myself lunch that it does/doesn’t) and I noticed that it was telling me that I was burning more calories per mile when I was running slower (the calorie count was closer to the mileage count) than when I was running faster (miles were racking up faster than the calories were).
For example:
running 9:00 pace, it was telling me that I burned about 95 calories to every mile I ran
running 7:00 pace, it was telling me that I burned about 75 calories to every mile I ran
There is just simply no way this is possible. The machine must base it on time. So 9 minutes burns 95 calories and 7 minutes burns 75. But, this is aburd and completely ignores the intensity of excercise.
EFL
Actually, it’s what a gym teacher friend once said me : that you burn more calorie running slowly for a long time than running more quickly for a shorter time. Of course, for a given time, the higher your speed, the more calories you burn.
She also added something about aerobic/anaerobic exercise, at which point I lost track.
But then, this friend also said that soy milk is the spawn of the devil, while chain smoking, so …
phillygirlruns
well, soy milk DID give jeremy piven man boobs. so, you know. there’s that.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/03/jeremy-piven-soy-milk-gav_n_343897.html
Supra
For a given time, you definitely burn more calories at a faster pace.
And, I’m not sure how correct she is about the other part, either. Based purely on feel alone, I am always hungrier after a workout (short, intense intervals with rest in-between) than I am after a steady state run. Not immediately after, but hours and even the day after.
I don’t count calories and I exercise a lot. I eat mostly based on feel/intuintion. If I am hungry, I eat, if I am not, I don’t. I always assume that when I’m hungrier after a hard workout its because I burned more calories and my body wants to replenish them.
EFL
@Supra : I don’t know either whether she correct, as I don’t count calories either (either in or out). But she sure had strong opinions about all this :)
Business, Not Law
I find that number to be fairly low based on my own experience but YMMV. I have a watch/heart rate monitor that I have set up with my gender/age/weight and the device keep track of my distance/pace (via GPS–this is a Garmin running watch). I tend to burn 100-110 calories/mile running anywhere from 9:30-11:00 minutes/mile.
MissJackson
+1.
It depends on your weight and fitness, but if you don’t have a HRM 100 calories per mile is a reasonable estimate.
I burn 110-120 calories per mile at my snail’s pace, according to my HRM.
Bluejay
Generally running or any extremely heavy cardio will burn between 500 – 1000 calories per hour, depending on your body size, but you really need a chest-strap heart rate monitor in order to accurately calculate your own personal effort level and calorie burn.
Maru
I’ve heard that calories per mile is generally the same no matter how fast you’re running. However, if you’re running faster, you’ll burn more calories over a given time period. The amount of calories you burn over a given distance depends on your weight, fitness level, etc.
Sconnie
Something else to remember – It’s my understanding that most calorie counters tell you total calories burned in a specific time period, not the extra calories you are burning by exercising. This includes the calories your body burns by just being alive.
K in... Transition
Beginning to wonder if I’m the only one who still eats like a freshman undergrad student! Between me just feeding myself and the huge list of food items I don’t/can’t eat (seafood, pasta, anything spicy, anything with soy, most non-American foods, a lot of veggies), I end up with dinners that are either from a drive-thru or cereal or snack stuff.
Maybe the reason I don’t often feel like I’ve grown-up is because I so often drive home rockin’ Paula Abdul’s Greatest Hits and spend evenings in sweats eating cereal for dinner?
TCFKAG
So when you say you don’t/can’t eat them, do you mean you CAN’T eat them because you have dietary limitations or you DON’T eat them because you have taste issues. Because I’ve known a lot of picky eaters (my husband amongst them) who have had a lot of luck at getting over their pickiness by slowly introducing new food items and just trying things. He also just took up cooking as a hobby (despite never having done it really before) which not only made him a much better cook of the things he liked, but helped him expand his palette.
TCFKAG
Oh — and ain’t nuthin wrong with Paula Abdul. :-)
Susan
I know Paula Abdul has transitioned away from her old dance-pop career, but I still have warmfuzzies for “Cold-Hearted Snake.” Yes, I’m a dork.
TCFKAG
I was always fond of Opposites Attract, because in the video, she danced with a cartoon cat.
Sconnie
Not just any cartoon cat, MC Skat Kat.
tk1
Damn you TCFKAG this is now stuck in my head. Why oh why must I know ALL the words!
SF Bay Associate
I still hear “Promise of a New Day” in my head some mornings.
Amy H.
I *love* the music and video of “Cold-Hearted Snake.”
I also cried during the *remake* of “Footloose.” I am clearly a product of the ’80’s, and a mush.
Sydney Bristow
Straight Up is totally on my iPhone. I love when it randomly comes on in shuffle mode!
Merabella
My husband is also a picky eater. He used to only eat iceburg lettuce and refused to eat a lot of the foods I loved because he didn’t like them. Part of it was that he didn’t have a lot of experience with them. So we started introducing them slowly into his diet, and he now has a much more varied palette.
Lyssa
I’ve had the same experience with my husband. When we first started dating, it was all chicken fingers and french fries, no matter what. Now he’ll eat almost everything. (My hubby’s got a little bit of snobbiness, and it helps to make it fancy – won’t touch tomatoes? Well, what if it’s an heirloom tomato appetizer that costs 20 dollars at a white linen table cloth place? Then, he’s on it.)
TCFKAG
Ha! My husbands the same way. I like to think its about quality of the product, he doesn’t like beefsteak tomatoes but he does like heirloom. :-) But seriously, the other night we went out on a double date to an Ethiopian restaurant and I was having one of those “look how far he’s come” moments.
K in... Transition
most of the items on the list are items I can’t eat due to dietary restrictions, though there may be a few veggies I could eat and just don’t like. I’m a super-taster according to my docs, which is why even things most people think haven’t much taste (like pasta) are tastes I don’t enjoy, though I’ll do egg noodles or gnocchi every so often
Cooking for One
I am 39 and often eat like a freshman undergrad student because cooking for one is a PITA. For those who have a household of one (like myself), what do you normally do for dinner? Recipes result in enough servings to last a week (ugh) and/or leftover ingredients that I never use again. I also get multiple servings out of those bagged salad mixes and microwavable rice pouches which again gets very ugh. I don’t really like to cook, but I don’t want to eat out every night either. I’m looking for suggestions on single serving meals that don’t require a lot of ingredients or effort. A part of me just wants to give up and hire a personal chef.
anon
giant salads. spinach, tomatoes, carrots, cucumbers, peppers, cheese, beans, chicken, salmon, olives…. takes 10 minutes to prepare, and you can make them as light or as filling as you want.
Monday
Living alone, tortillas and cold ingredients were my standby. I just always had a bag of tortillas, some hummus, greens, vegetables, whatever else, and it takes less than 2 minutes to prepare, no cooking, and doesn’t generate waste. I had a wrap of some sorts for dinner pretty much every night. I’m not a foodie at all, and I’m vegetarian, so this might not work for all. But I definitely hear you about how wasteful/not worth it cooking can feel.
KC
I try to make lots of small 1-2 serving meals with similar ingredients. For example, I make stir fry with tons of veggies and rice, then use the leftover already chopped veggies in a salad the following day. If I have leftover rice and chicken, I can make fried rice with the addition of an egg and some soy sauce. Or, I’ll make pasta, then use the leftover sauce and a pita/naan to make a personal pizza the next day. Sometimes I’ll bake a few chicken breasts and have one as part of a meal, then use the others for salads the following days.
Anony
If there’s a Trader Joes near you, they sell lots of stuff in single or small servings. (Same actually at Whole Foods and Wegmans, though those are either more unusual or more expensive).
There are also some really great cook books out there on single serving meals. But honestly, when I was cooking for one, my go to strategies were to break the meal into parts — i.e. a single chicken breast, a side, and a vegetable because I had more control over the amounts. Or to make small casseroles or lasagnas or chilis that stay well in the fridge for a couple of days for leftovers.
Anony
Oh! And tacos and fajitas are also fun to make for yourself, because a lot of the ingredients, once they’re chopped can be used in a salad or sandwich the next day for lunch — plus who doesn’t like a build your own dinner. NO ONE.
a passion for fashion
I cook for a whole family, but I love tacos/fajitas b/c you totally can get a few meals out of them. They are always delicious for one left over meal of the original item, and then a taco salad the next day is uaually awesome — lettuce with all of the taco fixin’s, then i mix either salsa and ranch together or salsa and a light balsamic dressing. yum!
RR
Things like lasagna, chili, soup and casseroles freeze really well – even cooking for two, I often make those things, serve them as leftovers once, and then freeze the rest as individual servings. They make very handy dinners when you don’t have time or energy to cook something.
zora
:( there are NO trader joe’s in Florida!!! As my friend discovered when she moved to FL, which is soooo sad. I send her TJ’s care packages sometimes.
But I sometimes recreate something they do at TJ’s: I cook up a few chicken breasts (bake or on stovetop) and then I slice them up into strips and bag up about half-a-breast-worth of strips into individual baggies and throw them in the freezer. You can then quickly thaw them and microwave, or warm up in a skillet, and then throw in with veggies, or rice, or on a salad, or whatever.
Em
Ooh, I have a book rec for you! An Everlasting Meal, by Tamar Adler. It’s not recipes – she just writes about what she does with food and cooking, and it’s beautiful and evocative. But it’s also perfect for those of us who are cooking for one (or two) because much of what she suggests (a) is about repurposing food so that it doesn’t get boring, like cooking one thing and making it for a week is, and (b) allows you to stock your pantry such that you can make one serving meals with little planning and food waste.
More specifically, for me, the best strategy usually seems to be to have a good variety of fresh vegetables on hand. Adler suggests roasting them when you bring them home. Then you can combine them into salads, make them into simple soups (which can be one batch), mix them with pasta, top rice with them, or add an egg on top and eat with bread. It stops things from getting boring and gives you tons of quick, easy options.
Another thing I’ve found works well is making my “batch” cooking at a simpler level than the finished dish. I don’t want enough bean soup to last a week, but making a big pot of beans and then freezing them in individual servings leaves you with the convenience of cooked beans but tons of options for how to use them so you don’t get bored.
Lazy cooker
I keep tons of veggies on hand and make salads probably 4-5 nights a week. Throw in a can of chickpeas or black beans for protein, cheese, avocado, potatoes, etc., and they’re plenty filling. Especially if I get some good multi-grain bread. There’s virtually no “cooking” involved unless I use potatoes. It’s been a good way of making sure I get plenty of fresh, unprocessed food into my diet. Pasta is my other go-to meal ~ I keep boxes of whole wheat pasta and different jars of sauce on hand for when I’m lazy. Oh, and I have to admit, I’ve been known to rock a frozen pizza or two. I just cut up lots of fresh veggies and throw them on top. For me, the key has been to figure out a handful of easy meals that work for me and always keep the ingredients for them on hand. On nights when I’m not as tired, I experiment with new recipes and try to expand my repertoire of go-to meals.
Ashley
Slightly out-of-the-box suggestion, but some of my co-workers did a food swap. Essentially, they would each make one full-size meal, and then bring individual containers of leftovers to swap for lunch. It was a small office, so we all trusted each other’s cooking/cleanliness habits, but maybe if you have friends/family/neighbors that would be willing and trustworthy, a swap could break up the mundane leftovers for a week. Also, you can freeze cooked portions of the food, so you only have to eat leftovers for one day. Wait a week or two, and pull out all your accumulated frozen portions, and you won’t have to cook for a week!
KC
Love this idea!
Leslie
That’s a great idea! For freezing – we have a foodsaver (vacuum sealer). It is super easy & lightweight, so not a pain to pull out and put away.
PollyD
I make a lot of pasta (I use the Barilla high protein kind) with sautéed frozen veggies (nuke for a minute or so, then sautee in olive oil, garlic, and hot pepper flakes. When the pasta is done, throw it in the pan with the veggies for a couple of minutes – this makes the pasta a little “sticky,” which I like better than really slippery with the veggies. Sprinkle with shredded romano or parmesan, the stuff that comes in tubs and stays in the fridge. Sometimes I’ll sautee sliced black olives with broccoli, or walnuts with broccoli. I’ve mentioned this before, but I also like to chop up a breakfast sausage (the kind you stick in the microwave for about 20 seconds) to put over pasta with peas.
I also like polenta (or the Goya cornmeal that’s about $1 a bag) as a base for canned black beans (rinse well) sautéed in salsa until the salsa is thickened. Sprinkle with cheese. This and the pasta “recipes” take maybe 20 minutes to cook, which for me is quicker than ordering out or even picking up take-out – the less driving I do in DC traffic, the better. When I’m really feeling lazy, I do ramen noodles with some broccoli thrown in.
I also like to do half-a@@ salad nicoise. Trader Joe sells bags of tiny potatoes, rinse them, boil for maybe 15-20 minutes, then put in a tub with drained canned tuna, black olives (canned), and green beans (I steam frozen ones for a few minutes, Trader Joe also has awesome tiny frozen green beans). Make a dressing of olive oil, cider vinegar, and Dijon mustard. That was my lunch for about 3-4 days. I also took a few of the leftover potatoes, cut them up and sautéed in olive oil with a little garlic and hot pepper, then put them on a corn tortilla with some of Target’s green salsa and some shredded cheese.
Didn’t feel like cooking much this week, so dinner was some good cheese, good bread (really grainy stuff from Whole Foods), pickles, some coleslaw I picked up at the grocery store, and some fruit – plus a glass of wine! Sometimes I’ll substitute salami or other cold cuts for the cheese, or have in addition to the cheese. I never thought I’d be one of those people who bought pre-cut fruit, but I have been finding myself buying the little tubs of cut up melon, mango, and berries at Whole Foods. This way I get variety but don’t throw out as much fruit.
Gosh, that was long. I have to say, that I actually enjoy eating well and trying new things and recipes. That said, I do look for recipes that don’t require a lot of ingredients I don’t have and that will freeze well if the amount they make is large. I do think eating well is part of being and adult and part of taking care of yourself. You/your health are worth the effort and money it takes (not that it needs to take a ton!) to eat well.
Bonnie
When I was single, I found a cook book that changed the way I ate: 15 minute single gourmet. I still use it actually and double the recipes. DH wanted to watch the hockey playoffs last night so dinner was mozzarella sticks and chicken tenders. Must hit the gym hard today!
TCFKAG
On the cooking for one subject, I have also found (even when cooking for two) that you do NOT have to buy what is laid out in the meat areas at the major grocery stores. If you’re nice to the guys in the meat area, they’ll repackage just a couple chicken breasts for you. They’ll also break down a whole chicken for you (and you can freeze the parts you don’t use). They’ll package you one pork chop. They’ll give you tips on how to cook it. They’re a font of knowledge back there, but unfortunately since they’re not “behind the counter” like at a try butcher counter, its harder to access. But you should take advantage.
Anne Shirley
I have to recommend the cookbook The Pleasures of Cooking for One. It is a bit more time consuming than I’m up for every day, but is great inspiration for getting satisfaction out of a solo meal.
Also I got my copy as a Christmas present from my ex of 3 years 2 weeks after we broke up.
b23
Oh. My. Gosh.
Susan
Did you return the favor by sending him a book like “S#x for Dummies”? :-)
TCFKAG
Did you return the favor by sending him the book M*st*rbation for Dummies?
Susan
TCFKAG, for the win!
LLLLLL!
Anne Shirley
Thank you ladies for bringing the humor. I just snort-laughed.
MM
Second this book recommendation – it’s a sweet little read, even if you’re not super into cooking to begin with.
Also, my all-time favorite quick addition to make something a real meal is to make whole wheat couscous. I get mine from Trader Joes, but lots of places have it. Basically, you boil or microwave a little water, add the couscous and a little olive oil, and turn off the heat. Let it sit for 3-5 min, and fluff with a fork. You can make however many servings you need, and it’s faster (and healthier, I think), than pasta. You can do a lot with it – just mix in some chopped herbs and it’s a nice base for a single serving of meat, or a bunch of sautéed veggies. Sprinkle over a salad or mix with a bunch of parsley for tabouleh, etc. One of my favorite quick but gourmet meals is a piece of poached fish served over couscous mixed with chives, and a side of asparagus. Feels so fancy, is really healthy, and takes 15 min. total to make.
zora
at least he didn’t get you this book: ;o)
http://blogs.publishersweekly.com/blogs/PWxyz/2011/11/29/the-worst-book-ever-is-microwave-for-one/
CA Atty
Zora, OMG you have officially completely destroyed my efficiency for the morning (not like it was great before that, see below re: I-80) “How to Avoid Huge Ships” “Dildo Cay” I’m crying I’m laughing so hard.
Anne Shirley, in HS I had a boyfriend who dumped me very harshly, he was quite cruel. He gave me “as a break-up present” The Worst Case Survival Handbook to Dating and Sex. It was fabulous. 13 years later I still wish I’d chucked it at his head. Retaining my dignity is not as important as it seemed then.
Bluejay
I frankly don’t normally cook for one. I pick up a small dinner (under $10) from Whole Foods, a local salad place, or sometimes something higher calorie like Chipotle or the gourmet burger joint near me. Or I make healthy frozen meals, like Amy’s cheeseless pizza or frozen meals.
La-di-da
When I eat a frozen meal, it’s an Amy’s Mexican one.
My favorite go-to quick dinner for one is “homemade pizzas.” Use a whole wheat pita as a crust. Spread pizza sauce, shredded mozzarella, and pepperoni. Cut up whatever veggies I have on hand. Broiler for 5 minutes. Voila.
Cooking for One
Thank you all for these comments. I plan to dowload a copy of An Everlasting Meal to my Nook tonight and pick up a copy of The Fifteen Minute Single Gourmet from the library tomorrow. I will also sit down and come up with a meal plan. I’ll put the personal chef on hold for now.
Amy H.
I make a large amount of rice at a time, and store the leftovers in the fridge. Rice reheats very well in the microwave. Then I’ll have a single chicken breast, cut up and stir fried with veggies, or just the veggies and some cheese, or beans, or a single pork chop, etc. over the rice for dinner. I do a lot of soups, stews and chili over rice, too — either one I’ve made (and frozen half of in individual servings) or a prepared soup/chili on the healthier side; I like a lot of the Whole Foods soups.
I also do a lot of pasta-based meals; for these, I generally cook the amount of pasta I’m going to eat that night. Pasta can be reheated but I find it doesn’t do as well as rice. (I like it al dente rather than overcooked.)
For bagels and breads, I use my freezer heavily. The whole-grain loaf at Whole Foods (La Brea Bakery) is delicious; I buy one whole loaf, slice it and then freeze the slices. Same with bagels or baguettes — slice before freezing, and then you can toast one slice of anything at at time. You don’t have to thaw/defrost any of these before toasting.
Breakfast for dinner is great — scrambled eggs, omelets, frittatas, egg tacos, pancakes with grilled deli ham or one sliced chicken-apple sausage or two slices of turkey bacon on the side, etc.
TurtleWexler
Joe Yonan, the food editor for the Washington Post, used to do a whole column on cooking for one — I don’t think it’s still running but I’m sure the archives are there. He also has a cookbook called “Serve Yourself” that has some great one-portion recipes, but they may not appeal to everyone. Personally, I love everything of his that I’ve made. When my DH is out of town, I tend to eat stuff he thinks is gross but I think is uber-yummy, though.
anon
Eggs. I like them: poached in spicy tomato sauce with cheese, scrambled with veggies, over toast, an omelet, etc. I like some fruit on the side. I also make single bowls of pasta (boil one portion, toss with tomato sauce and cheese), big salads, or eat at a pot of soup of chili for a while. i usually halve recipes, so it’s closer to three servings than 6.
Marie Curie
Couscous salad (like tabbouleh, but with couscous). Polenta with spinach and feta (leftover from couscous salad) and tomatoes. Or risotto, if you’ve got the time — I like it with peas (usually from the freezer), carrots and saffron. If I end up with more than I can eat, I just put it in the fridge for the next day. And I often eat couscous + whatever roasted vegetables need to be used up.
Bluejay
It sounds like you’re a really picky eater, but in my experience this isn’t too uncommon, especially outside of major cities. I have a few highly educated, professional friends in major cities who eat like this too, mostly because they were raised in small communities and this is what they like. So long as you’re not being annoying at business dinners or something, there’s no reason to feel weird about your preferences.
Lazy cooker
I find it interesting that you indicate you are a super-taster and yet you eat a lot of drive-thru (presumably fast food) and snack foods. Those foods are notoriously salty and sweet and I would think your palate would be overwhelmed with the salt/sugar taste. Maybe you just need to take some time to readjust by eating foods that aren’t so aggressively salty and sweet for a while ~ you might find that they taste a lot better to you and you won’t want to back to the drive-thru anymore.
AIMS
I read somewhere that it takes about 6 weeks to retrain your palate. Basically, if you just stick with it for about that long, you can learn to like/dislike anything. It definitely works with coffee.
PollyD
Yeah, I kind of taught myself to like red wine – it’s so pretty in the glass and it’s okay at room temperature (I am a slow eater/drinker and do not like room temp white wine). I like it better than white now.
I think our palates also change as we get older. I really did not enjoy most cheeses or olives until I was in my late 20s. I think I was sensitive to salt, so apparently my salt taste buds had to die off somewhat for me to enjoy these things. I also did not eat any seafood and now mussels and oysters (raw even!) are among my favorite foods.
I’d say be open to new things. You never know when something you never liked will become a new favorite.
a.
I’d buy that. I have forced myself to like: black coffee (back in HS, but I got suuuuper addicted so quit drinking it for five months before I started college and lost the taste, so now I need it cut with something); olives; avocado; beer; liquor; and red wine. I wanted to spit all of these things out when I started consuming them, but now I enjoy them. (Except dark rum and gin.)
I don’t typically police other people’s eating habits, because it is, quite frankly, none of my beeswax what another adult human does or does not consume–but I really do wonder where people on the white bread/egg noodle/Lucky Charms diet (like my current roommate) get all of their vitamins, minerals, and nutrients. And I mean, for me personally, I feel so much healthier and happier when I’m eating a lot of veggies and whole grains–do other people feel the same about their food choices? I’m not trying to be all You’re Doing It Wrong, I’m just honestly curious.
zora
I know what you mean, a., but I also think some of us are more sensitive than others. I really *can’t* eat like that anymore. If I don’t get a balance of protein and complex carbs, I feel like I am going to die (like, weak, headachey, and just gross)… I just can’t even eat a bunch of empty calories like white bread without feeling sick. But some people can eat like that constantly, so I figure their body just processes things better.
And I agree with the retraining thing, too: I taught myself to *hate* fast food and soda in 3 months, it was kind of startling, but awesome.
La-di-da
White wine is meant to be served chilled, and red is meant to be served at room temperature. You’re doing it right. If others aren’t doing that, then they are doing it wrong.
(Except sangria, or wine spritzers or whatever. All bets are off if you combine wine with other things.)
River Song
I’m a supertaster as well. I think the intensity and specifics of the symptoms may vary from person to person. For me, foods that are even remotely bitter taste extremely bitter to me: spinach, green tea, lettuce and endives are the worst. But I do just fine with other sensitive foods, like chocolate (thank goodness).
Super Tasters Unite!
I was told by my nutritionist when I was in college at UC Davis (big ag school, lots of food science people) that I am a super taster sensitive to sulfides. So dark green veggies, eggs, chicken unless cooked just right, and wine taste funny to me and I have never liked them. I also have a system that runs high on salt – for instance, I eat an above average amount of salt in my diet (salt, not sodium high foods) and my sodium in my bloodwork always runs normal or even a little low. When I stop eating salt, I dehydrate and pass out. It is pretty obnoxious.
It is really easy for me to go salty because my body craves it so much, so I try and eat healthy, slow foods and add sea salt. I wonder if it would be helpful to the other super tasters out there to find out exactly which “taste” they are sensitive to, and go from there?
Gunrock
Go Ags!!!
Though the manhunt on I-80 for a workplace shooting suspect has shut down the *entire* 6-lane freeway the day before Picnic Day (the big annual festival when many alumni of all generations come back to UC Davis). What a diaster.
River Song
Ah, that makes sense. I never made the sulfide connection, but I am often sensitive to red wine. I crave salt all the time. And my family mocks both the supertaster diagnosis (I think they think it means I’m a super hero for food!) as well as my aversion to greens.
La-di-da
I’m fascinated about this salt business. I pass out sometimes at random times. I’m trying to figure out why this is. My doctor can’t figure it out either.
Maybe I will try more salt!
Anonymous
What is the alternative to you eating drive-thru/cereal/snack stuff- going hungry? You’re a grown-up, ergo the food you eat is grown-up food. Don’t beat yourself up over what you’re not eating.
Signed, the once-a-week Lunchable queen
PirateLawyer
For quick options (particularly if I worked late, or went to the gym) I will cook those frozen black bean burgers in a pan for about five minutes per side, and then eat them topped with salsa and a little light sour cream. Another option are Aidell’s sausages (they are pre-cooked, chicken sausages of various flavors) and I’ll steam some zucchini or squash to go with it. I like to dip the sausages in stone-ground mustard. No muss, no fuss.
Anon6
Happy Friday everyone!
Any advice for helping a SO with the job search? My boyfriend is currently job hunting, and I’m wondering how I can be most supportive without being overbearing. My concern is that I’ll come across as nagging him when checking in. Any suggestions for how to help without insulting him?
looking myself
Ask him how it’s going in general terms, and then follow his lead in how much he wants to talk about it. Just make it part of the conversation you have on things going on in your life.
Let him know you’d like to help if he wants it, but don’t offer unsolicited advice.
Cat
I would actually ask him exactly how you asked us — I think someone on a prior thread called it “meta-talking” and my hubby and I definitely use it as a strategy. (We use it more for when it’s a good time to talk about “bigger” things — e.g., no asking me which refinancing option I think we should do while I’m darting around getting ready in the morning, but what we need at Trader Joe’s is totally fair game — but I think it could work for setting “how often” or “who initiates” guidelines too).
CKB
We do this too, when both of us are calm we say “How do you want me do deal with x” or “What can I do to support you in y” or even “Am I pulling my weight these days around the house” or “How do you think we’re dealing (as a couple) with z”. It works really well for us, and I think one of the strategies that has kept our 18 year relationship strong.
TCFKAG
As the other side in this relationship, I’d give three pieces of advice. First, understand if he goes through some mood swings and be there for him as much as possible, but try not to hover or obsess. Second, quietly spread it around to your friends that he’s looking (especially if their in the same industry) so if they hear of anything they’ll pass it along. And third (and I can’t stress how important this is), if he has an interview or whatever, please please please don’t ask if he’s heard something everyday. I promise, if he hears good news, he’ll tell you! Being asked if “you’ve heard anything” and having to say no is the worst. I’ve now made it a policy with my DH and my family that I will tell them, they don’t ask — its just easier that way.
KLG
Second. And add, do not ask how many jobs he has applied for that day/week.
eek
“And third (and I can’t stress how important this is), if he has an interview or whatever, please please please don’t ask if he’s heard something everyday. I promise, if he hears good news, he’ll tell you! Being asked if “you’ve heard anything” and having to say no is the worst.”
This. Having to say no one called, no one anything really stinks.
TCFKAG
Especially since the follow-up is always, “don’t be so negative” or “keep your chin up” which just kind of makes you want to hit them IN the chin. Even when its your wonderful husband. GAH!
KLG
My family and friends and SO mean well but sometimes I just want to be like “I hate my job and I’ve been looking for a new one for over a year and by nature I talk A LOT. Do you honestly think if there was news you wouldn’t have already gotten a call or an overly lengthy email about it???”
NOLA
One thing I always tried to remind my ex-H of when he was job hunting was that he needed to make the employer sell themselves as a good fit for him as much as he was trying to sell himself as a good fit for them. He was very good at talking his way into jobs then he would hate them. I would say make sure he understands that it’s as important to you that he has the right job as having a job. Happy boyfriend = happier you, too.
b23
What happened to No Drama Mama? It seems like we haven’t heard from her in a while!
Eleanor
Yeah, and Research, Not Law hasn’t been around in a while, either. Maybe they’re just posting under different names?
Susan
I’m wondering about the poster who was dating this guy who said he was divorced, but then she saw his ex-wife (?)’s FB page, with a fairly recent-looking photo of the two of them together.
I think the OP said something about putting him off (for a date), but I don’t know what happened afterwards.
b23
Yeah, I want to know what happened with that too!!!
Nonny
Oh, me too!
PHX
Wasn’t Research, Not Law having a baby?
Monday
Yes–I’ve assumed she is on leave.
Eleanor
Whoops, forgot about the baby. Good catch.
Pest
I miss Eponine from almost a year ago, but I suspect that she has reincarnated herself with a new user name.
Bluejay
Yes me too – in general I wish there were more commenters with international/government careers like me! She had great advice.
b23
Oh yeah, Eponine! I miss her too.
Ru
I miss Eponine, too! And Ann, she would always give great advice.
Nonny
Oh yes, I always look for Ann whenever anyone asks a serious question.
associate
Ann gave me such great advice. Ann are you out there?
Awful Lawful
I was wondering about the commenter with the boyfriend who told her that he would only marry a Jewish woman. I wonder how she decided to handle it.
Hel-lo
Eponine and Ann were great! Maybe their jobs just got busy and they don’t have time to waste with us anymore. :(
312
Love the suggestion today! Does anyone know how these tops fit? Also, if you follow Wardrobe Oxygen, she had on a cute little bird top from Old Navy.
Anonymous NYer
I wear a large in tops, and the large fit great. The quality of the material is very low, however. I ordered this top in the color shown, as well as the ‘warm’ patterned color, like a red and pink combo. The red one looked so cheap it had to go back. Since the color of this one is darker, it disguised the cheapness factor. The shirt feels like poor quality scrubs. I wore it earlier this week to work on a non-court day and it was comfortable, but definitely cheap.
coco
I agree. I bought both the warm and cool, and wore the cool one day. I felt like such a wrinkled mess that I immediately went and returned the other one. It’s cute, but don’t expect to look nice and put together the whole day.
MsZ
I have this blouse in the tall size (of course, they don’t make the better prints in talls!) and love it. Not too sheer (I wear a cami under it out of an abundance of caution) and so. comfortable.
I'm Just Me
I have it as well, in the color pictured. Love it, also wear it with a cami.
Business, Not Law
I own this shirt as well (same pattern)…find it to be flattering and comfortable!
KC
If I ever start a tall line… I’ll let you know.
Seriously though, tall girls like prints and color and trends too!
anon
I fourth that! Why is it that the only tall dresses I can find are always plain black?
S
Interesting. I stay away from printed pieces from mass-market retailers just because I hate seeing 25 other people on the Metro wearing the same, highly-identifiable item that I’m wearing. It’s particularly bad when I see teeny-bopper types in the same dress because it invariably looks better on their little, fat-free frames. Grr.
Woods-comma-Elle
I hate this – seeing someone else wearing what I’m wearing and looking better in it.
Anonymous NYer
haha yes me too. I was deciding between 2 dresses on new years eve, and I chose the black one over the purple one b/c I felt it disguised my problem areas better. Lo and behold, I get to the party I’m attending and someone else was wearing the purple one and looking fabulous in it. Phew, crisis averted.
Susan
Not to be argumentative, but I really don’t like the idea that someone “invariably looks better” merely because they have little fat-free frames.
I like to think that if someone looks better than me wearing the same piece, it’s because they’re carrying themselves with more confidence and have styled it better, or that it’s a better fit. I really really don’t want to internalize the idea that ‘thinner = better,” because it’s not.
Monday
I feel the same way, and likewise for “younger = better.” I think there’s a lot of great fashion that you simply cannot pull off when you’re too young for it. For everything I become “too old” to wear, I try to recall and enjoy the items I am growing into.
a.
Agree agree. There are some fabulously-dressed ladies out there who are not little, fat-free, or teenaged.
TCFKAG
Especially since they’re likely to wear them with Uggs. Or something equally objectionable. ;-)
S
Oh, I agree. I think I overstated my bitterness, here. Sometimes I see full-figured women rocking an item I own and looking better in it. Sometimes, I think I look awesome in it. Generally, my point was that I don’t like buying a very recognizable clothing item when I know I’ll end up seeing it on so many other women. It makes me feel totally unoriginal.
CPA to be
I have this shirt! This is the first time Kat has ever featured something I’ve already had! I feel so fancy.
I like this top, but it does tend to wrinkle easily. It was $15 though, so I’ll take what I can get. I really like the neckline too, since it’s not like most things I have. It’s almost boat-neck wide. I’m 5’3, and I got the regular size, and it’s long enough to tuck in without having to worry about it coming out. The pattern is great too. I typically wear this top tucked into a gray pencil skirt with a teal cardigan that’s the same color as the “stripes” or whatever you’d call that pattern.
BigLaw Optimist
Speaking of wrinkling … I played hookie yesterday and went shopping. I saw this gorgeous linen jacket that I just HAD to have … but then I totally scrunched up the fabric in my hand, watched it immediately wrinkle, giggled at myself, and walked away.
Crisis averted – I definitely would have purchased the jacket and then hated it two weeks from now when it was already wrinkled at 10am. I can’t remember who gave that advice, but thank you!!
Circe
First international business travel, here! Any tips for a seasoned international traveler who has never traveled on business? Thank you in advance for your wisdom :)
Anony
Remember your passport. Don’t lose it. Bring flats and a good rolling suitcase that also has a side handle in case you’re going to a European city whose roads are paved with cobble.
Anony
Oh, and if your company will reimburse for it, get an international data plan for your phone. You’ll want it when you get lost trying to get back to your hotel (and hotel phone rates are exorbitant.)
Terry
Also, make sure your phone isn’t auto-updating. There was a piece in the WSJ a few days ago on traveler’s exorbant data fees from automatic software updates.
Anonnc
If you’re flying business class, don’t miss out on the airport lounges.
Bluejay
Expense everything that qualifies to be expensed. Don’t shortchange yourself. If you pay for internet in the airport in order to check work email, expense it. If you take a client out to coffee, expense it. And so on. That’s the number one mistake I see my younger coworkers make.
If you’re already a seasoned international traveler, I don’t think you need trips on the travel itself. You know the drill. I only have two business-travel specific suggestions: 1. Make sure you are extraordinarily polite to hotel staff, drivers, etc, even when you’re jetlagged and exhausted. You’re a representative of your company, and any curtness on your part will make your company look bad. 2. If you booked using a travel agency, you’re more likely to get upgraded or get extra perks, so be extra nice to airline staff too.
Kady
(1) The concierge is your friend. They can help you get taxis, meals, tell you how much to tip, etc… (2) If you do not speak the local language, make sure you carry a card at all times that has the address of your hotel and your office in the local language. A few key phrases (I need help. I need to go to the hospital. I need the police) might be good as well. (3) Turn off your phone. Not only do phones do the auto-update, they may be international roaming as well. It can be very costly if you accidently pick up a call. There are countries that now have free wifi in public areas – you might want to check on this. If you download skype and turn your phone to wifi only, you can make calls using your existing smartphone. (4) Bring workout clothes. Large business meals and long work days can make you feel bleh. Most nice hotels will have a workout room. Use it. (5) If the trip is going to be long, bring something that is pampering for you. When I used to biz travel, I would always bring a small scented candle and a small travel bottle of bubble bath. Hotel baths were nicer than my own home bath, so it was a real treat for me. (6) Jersey. I seriously had a whole closet of jersey knits when I traveled a lot. They don’t wrinkle, pack easy and nice pieces look very professional. (7) Use the hotel laundry services if you need to. Don’t feel bad about it. Your company wants you to represent it in the most professional manner you can. If that means you need to send something out to dry clean, so be it.
TurtleWexler
I second the Skype suggestion, and also an app called WhatsApp if you need to send text messages. I think it’s $0.99 for the app but you can then send free texts using wi-fi or your data plan. Just make sure to download it before you go, as the system either calls or texts you a verification code and you can’t get it if you aren’t receiving calls or regular texts! I use it both when I’m abroad and when I want to send messages to friends who live abroad. Maybe not strictly necessary from a business travel perspective, but I’ve found it to be well worth the dollar I paid for it.
Kady
Oh, and one last thing. Use Fedex. If you have to haul around large amounts of paperwork (presentations, etc…) send it ahead (and back, when you’re returning). It means no check-in, saves your back, is one less thing to worry about and is more efficient (goes from office to office, instead of through home/hotel).
oclg
Just an international travel tip in general: if you have an iPhone on sprint or Verizon you can have it unlocked and pop in a local SIM card to make cheap local calls and check email or maps or anything else. If you need your phone for your trip this isn’t worth it, but of you have a work issued phone and personal phone it might be something to think about. I was in Asia last month and spent a grand total of $8 on a SIM card and 5 one hour phone calls to the US.
Coach Laura
I like these two blogs www dot roadwarriorette dot com and www dot travelite dot org for tips and hints for the woman travelling on business.
Coach Laura
I like these two blogs roadwarriorette dot com and travelite dot org for tips and hints for the woman travelling on business.
Lydia
Bring a pen on the plane. Usually you will have immigration forms to fill out.
Anon
Can anyone recommend a good book on potty training? TIA!
GRA
For you of for your child? If it’s a girl, we had great luck with “Princess Potty”. The title sucks and the book is annoying, but my daughter LOVED it and it really motivated her to be potty trained.
GRA
Here’s the link to the book: http://www.amazon.com/Princess-Potty-Samantha-Berger/dp/0545172969/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1334932807&sr=8-2
Prudence-lover
I was trained with “Once Upon a Potty.” There is a girl version with Prudence and a boy version that was irrelevant to my toilet training. Here (25 years later) are some of the excerpts I remember (for my entertainment, you are probably annoyed):
[When Prudence is given a training potty]
Was it a hat? No, it wasn’t a hat.
Was it a milk bowl for the cat? No, it wasn’t a milk bowl for the cat.
Was it a flower pot? No, it wasn’t a flower pot.
It was a potty.
[When Prudence is trying to poop]
She sat and sat and sat and sat and sat and sat and sat and sat and sat and sat and sat and sat and sat and sat and sat and sat and sat and sat and sat and sat and sat and sat and sat and sat and sat and sat and sat and sat and sat and sat and sat and sat and sat and sat [there is a whole page that looks like this]
[When Prudence flushes her excretions down the toilet]
Bye-bye, wee-wee. Bye-bye poo-poo.
Anon
You remember the book you read (yourself) when you were potty training? That is an impressive memory!
Prudence-lover
Well, my parents probably read it with me a lot (so I memorized it), plus I’m sure my siblings and I re-read these for humor when we got older. Similarly, I can recite a lot of Dr. Seuss by heart, especially Green Eggs & Ham and the story of Mrs. McCave (who had 23 sons and she named them all Dave). I have a good memory for these sorts of things, terrible memory for names, instructions, all the things that would make me a competent adult.
CKB
For me, I was surprised at how I still had ‘Hand Hand Fingers Thumb’ and ‘The Monster at the End of this Book’ memorized when I read them to my own children.
I suspect I still have most of ‘Marvin K Mooney Will you Please Go Now’ memorized as well, but I haven’t seen a copy in years and can’t test myself (not that I was looking for it, though).
Anastasia
dum ditty dum ditty dum dum dum
I have an absurdly good memory for children’s books. Children’s songs, too — Wee Sing is permanently lodged in my memory… Something about the small words, rhythm and rhymes, I think.
I actually make up rhymes and jingles whenever I need to remember useul adult things like a combination or directions of how to get somewhere I go too infrequently for “autopilot” to kick in. Works like a charm. :)
MissJackson
Ahh! We Sing!!!! And We Sing Silly Songs! Loved those, and probably still know all the words, too :)
Hel-lo
I saw Wee Sing Silly Songs in a bookstore recently! They still sell it! (Although no longer on cassette.)
I also had Wee Sing Patriotic Songs. Still know the cowboy songs from that.
Anon
I rememeber this book! But, I have younger siblings, so I suspect I remember it more from when they were reading it and not when I was potty training.
EC MD
Not a book, but my son loved the Sesame Street video “Elmo’s Potty Time.” It goes over every possible issue with potty training for the kids and is safe and approachable. It didn’t really help on my end, but I did think it made him more comfortable with the whole process.
Also, highly recommend bribery. We went through Hershey Kisses and Matchbox cars like crazy for a while, but it seemed to work. The funny thing is that we knew we were moving in the summer, so we worked really hard to get him trained in the spring. It got closer and closer to move date and he wasn’t quite there, so we made peace with the fact that we would wait til we got settled. Three days before the move? He totally gets it, is too big for diapers, and starts using the toilet like a champ. The lesson I learned is that they do it at their own pace (not that I think the work and encouragement was a total waste of time).
Kady
There’s an elmo potty doll that my kids adored. Not sure that it particularly got them to potty train, but they thought the doll was Hi-lar-i-ous.
Selia
Second the “Elmo Potty Time” video – my kids wanted to watch it even after they were potty trained!
Emily I
We used an oldie but a goodie: “Toilet Training in Less Than a Day.”
My husband read the book and followed it exactly with our oldest (a boy). He had a couple of accidents over the next few days, but it did work well. He followed it a little bit less strictly with our second (a girl). The first time she wasn’t ready for the potty, but a few months later, it worked again. I was convinced that our youngest (another girl) would never be potty trained, however, because by the time she came along we were just soooo over the potty training thing. It happened eventually though!
anon
My daughter loved A Potty For Me by Karen Katz, and the kid in it is pretty androgenous (meaning, I can’t tell if it’s supposed to be a boy or girl) so it should work for a boy or a girl. We all had that book memorized.
Midwest
I am so glad you mentioned this. DS goes wild over Karen Katz’s books and I had no idea she had one related to potty-training.
Diana Barry
Hey ladies!
Yesterday was my last day of work in the office before maternity leave, and so to celebrate I took myself out for a manicure in the afternoon, and got SHIMMERY AZURE BLUE. It is really bright and makes me very happy! :)
TCFKAG
Huzzah! And congratulations (and good luck in advance) on your new addition! May labor be easy and the baby sleep through the night. (Ha!)
Susan
Heartily seconded! Keep us posted, dearie!
GRA
Congratulations and good luck!!!
PharmaGirl
Enjoy your leave… and best of luck for a speedy (on time) delivery.
JJ
Good luck and congrats! I’m on leave and have been doing the exact same thing. I delivered with bright bronze nails and I currently have a vibrant purple on. Here’s hoping for a quick and easy delivery for you!
Leslie
Yay for happy polish & babies!
MaggieLizer
Good luck to you and baby!
Amy H.
Congratulations and many good wishes! Enjoy your new addition.
anon
I’m heading to Woodbury Commons this weekend, and I’m in the market for a smaller leather everyday bag. I’ve read that outlets usually make lower-quality bags for the outlets, but does anyone know of any brands that have good-quality bags at the outlet prices? Thanks!
Bonnie
Check out Off Fifth and Last Call. You can usually tell by how the bag feels. E.g., most of the bags at Coach Outlets are stiff and feel like plastic. Don’t forget to sign up for the VIP club and print out coupons before you go. The VIP packet you get at guest services always has great discounts.
Frump
Hm, would have to disagree about Coach outlet bags. I have about 5 of them from there, and for the price (usually about $100-170), I think they are great leather bags. All of mine are soft leather with sturdy construction (and I don’t think they feel like plastic). The two I carry most often (usually 4 out of 7 days a week) still look great after 2+ years of being used that much.
Maybe recently Coach Factory has been producing a line of bags that feels less than stellar, but I have been shopping there for years and can usually almost always find something that is understated and good quality for a reasonable price (certainly much better price than their full priced, regular stores).
Godzilla
The Coach outlet stores also have bags being sold at retail stores – they just may be not as popular. One way to tell is to look inside the purse and see if it has a dust bag – the ones that do were originally made for retail.
Bonnie
The quality at the Coach outlets has really gone down in the last few years. They used to be stocked with last season’s merchandise but now they manufacture for the outlet and throw in some models that did not sell well.
Anonymous NYer
also, they used to have a big book of coupons for AAA members you could pick up at the guest services type place at the outlets. Mind you I haven’t been there in a couple years, but the coupon book was pretty good. Just show your AAA card and you’re good to go.
woodbury
Agree with Bonnie about Coach – they are a “factory” store rather than a true outlet, so you are getting lower quality stuff which is made for outlets, so you are better off at the dept. store outlets, which may have a few pieces made for outlets, but the majority is last season type things. There is a longchamp outlet at woodbury that’s pretty awesome, they don’t really have any of the nylon bags, but they do seem to have a lot of leather.
Lydia
There is a Longchamps outlet store there. There is also a Kate Spade and a Dooney & Bourke. I haven’t had any issues with the bags I purchased there. There is also a Cole Haan – I’ve bought shoes there, but not bags, so can’t provide advice about quality.
K in... Transition
Anyone care to share experiences dating someone with a child? There’s a guy in my orbit whom I’ve known since high school on a friend level (we dated in high school twice for under a month each time, so it’s hardly significant). We stayed friends and it recently sparked. However he has an 18 month old daughter with his ex. Shared custody, all is legalized, co-parenting relationship is stable. But I come in as someone with no kidlet experience, no desire to ever procreate.
Kinda freaking out over the idea of a kidlet in my life, of being in a relationship where he will always have a bond with kidlet’s mom which is something I will never be a part of, etc. Thoughts/Experiences to share?
Mrs. Second Wife
Dear K,
I posted about this last week, or was it early this week. I also posted about it under different tags twice before. Look for my recent post, then google site:corporette.com and one of the book names or authors to see if I made any points the first time that I omitted as Mrs. Second Wife.
I am six years into this and have a lot of opinions about it. In short, your relationship with him has to be very strong and healthy, you have to have obscene amounts of good communication with him (same of good s#x doesn’t hurt, either) and the mom has to be emotionally healthy. If she’s not, bolt.
If you want to talk offline, let me know.
Mrs. Second Wife
Just responded but am in moderation. Don’t know why. Please wait for it.
Anonymous NYer
moderation is due to using the name of this website in your comment. No clue why this happens, seems silly. But there ya go.
K in... Transition
am trying to track down what you’ve already said but feel free to email me on my personal account if you’re up for chatting… munchkin 1616 at juno dot com :)
Susan
I don’t have a kidlet, don’t want to procreate, but I would think of being part of a relationship where there already is a kidlet as a bonus.
I’d love to be someone’s fairy godmother/Auntie Mame. But I know it’s not that easy. I am glad that the co-parenting relationship is stable, though.
Are you two officially “dating”? Is it exclusive? If so, what rules are there about your interaction with said kidlet? (Some single parents, wisely, do not want their kids to get too attached to someone they’ve just started dating, so regardless of your feelings on whether you’d like to spend time with the kidlet or not, they may want to limit that time/interaction.)
Are you ok with the reasons why this guy is no longer with the mother of his child?
I think the people we love will always have a bond with other people, that we may not necessarily be part of (a favorite uncle, or, a difficult mother who hates you, etc.) I view that as part of the person, and as long as I think one is not being treated less well because of that pre-existing bond, then it’s OK. But that’s my perspective. You’ll feel how you feel, and don’t let anyone tell you you shouldn’t feel it.
Woods-comma-Elle
I have never dated anyone with a kid and have always thought it would be a dealbreaker for me (for a number of reasons, but mainly because I don’t want to have children of my own, let alone someone else’s).
HOWEVER, my sister was the same as me and she met a guy she hit it off with hugely, so you never know. When they met, her stepson was three. The kid was a huge tearaway, behaved badly, typical broken home type stuff. She was quite worried about it but she liked the guy so much that she adjusted to it really well and decided to give it a go. Outcome – they have been together almost 14 years, married for just over ten, the kid is 17, they get on well and she totally kicked him into shape in the meantime. They don’t have any kids of their own and she has never wanted any (she’s 42).
The things that I think she has found hard (and which you would need to adjust to in the long term):
– it’s not ‘your child’ so there is only so much you can tell him/her off, exert authority etc (she was lucky in that she is good at being authoritative and the kid was responsive)
– when the kid was younger, their life was always planned around who he was staying with at any given time, when they would have to drop him off/pick him up and this was always the first thing planned, everything else was secondary
– she would love to go and live abroad, but because of the custody arrangement, her husband has flat out refused to consider it
– the mum is an ongoing presence, the relationship ended badly and it has been difficult dealing with her (you say this isn’t the case with your guy, but things can change,
especially when the other person starts to date other people)
I would have thought that if you don’t want children, think about the reasons why not and whether having someone else’s child in your life would result in the things happening (or not happening) which mean you don’t want kids. For example, one of the reasons I don’t want children is the lifestyle that comes with it, and this would be (to a degree at least) the case even with a stepchild.
That isn’t meant to sound as negative as it probably does, it’s just things to think about.
Anne Shirley
Dearest K- you are in transition! This is a time for focusing on you. Man-with-kid will still be there, if he’s the one for you, when you are K Kicking A$$
KLG
I definitely think this is a YMMV thing and a lot of your decision should be based on your own knowledge of your adaptability, tendency to be jealous, reasons for not wanting to procreate, etc.
I can’t speak too much to the bond with the ex thing b/c my SO and mom had clearly moved on to different paths by the time I came around and by nature, I am not a jealous person (I have a past, so does every one else…). But I will say, my SO considers us a “pair” in relation to mom so in many ways I don’t feel as if they have a bond I don’t share in. Yes, she’s not my biological kid, but my SO considers me every bit her parent and deals with kid and mom with that perspective.
I also wanted kids of my own so the idea of a kid wasn’t so freaky, it was more becoming an “instant parent” that freaked me out. But trial by fire isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes I make mistakes but my SO is patient and explains why he would have done things differently. Sometimes we decide my way is actually better. We figured out pretty quickly that we have a similar parenting style and that does make things easier.
It is hard to parent and (IMHO) harder to co-parent. We get along very well with mom, she doesn’t have any mental health issues, there is no issue switching weekends, etc. but she is more lax than we are so it is really hard to try and push for the same rules at each house and sometimes I feel like we are the “mean” parents and that our hard work goes out the window every other week and we have to somewhat start over. It’s been a huge change in my life and I’m still adjusting to not having the flexibility I had before and coming home from work to immediately cook dinner/help with homework/etc.
On the other hand, I’ve also had a lot of fun being a stepmom, even though it was something I never intended. Having a kid WANT to do stuff with you or seeing something you’ve been saying actually rub off on them is pretty amazing.
KLG
After seeing Woods-Comma-Elle’s response, I did want to comment on two things
1) the lack of geographical flexibility is tough. If we want to move farther from mom, we will have to give up some of our custody and I’m not willing to do that right now because I feel our influence is critical at kid’s current age and as I often tell my SO, either we put in the “hard work” now or we deal with a hellion later.
2) Depending on your SO, the “you’re not my mother” thing is a non-issue in terms of discipline. I’m like “no, but I am your step mother and therefore you have to listen to me anyways.” Her Dad has backed me 100% so it really hasn’t been an issue.
Like I said, it’s been rewarding and being with my SO is totally worth it.
Woods-comma-Elle
I think this is so valid i.e. it depends on your SO. I think my sis has found it somewhat challenging at times as her husband and the mom are relatively laissez-faire and she has found that she has had to be ‘the bad guy’ for the good of the kid and then it raises a concern of how much can she do that so as not to create the feeling that she is trying to ‘outparent’ the real parents. But in the long run it has worked out mainly because he is now a very well-adjusted and well-behaved young man which he may not have been had mum and dad been left to their own devices to play ‘who lets the kid get away with more and gives him more stuff’.
Mrs. Second Wife
“On the other hand, I’ve also had a lot of fun being a stepmom, even though it was something I never intended. Having a kid WANT to do stuff with you or seeing something you’ve been saying actually rub off on them is pretty amazing.”
This. I never wanted kids. Never liked kids. Never wanted to wipe noses or tie shoelaces. But I inherited mine at 10 and 15, when they were just old enough to have interesting conversations with them. I had no idea it would be so fun to go to a museum with them or take them to a new city for the first time or teach them to do new things. Totally unexpected.
(The flip side of meeting them so late in their lives is that they are clearly on “team mommy” because we have not had as much time to develop our traditions together. That can come out in some pretty ugly ways. If you are involved starting at 18 months, you will have more diapers, but also more shared traditions.)
AEK
Dating a man with kids requires suppressing your ego to varying degrees. Are you ready to be the second or third most important thing in his life, even if he’s #1 in yours? I’m now a stepmom. Dating a man with a kid was a big adjustment for me, especially because he was a busy lawyer too. Between his work and family obligations, I often felt like our dates and activities were squeezed in, and sometimes I chafed at that. I got over it when I realized it wasn’t about me. It was easier after we dated for a long enough time that we were comfortable having me spend time with dad & son together.
The main thing to remember is, that as much as you want to be a priority for the man you’re dating, a good parent will always make the kid a priority (within reason of course, but don’t underestimate what it takes to be a good single parent). That means not taking it personally when you go a weekend without seeing him or otherwise are not the center of the universe (tongue in cheek, but this was very hard for me!).
I disagree with Mrs. Second Wife that you should split if the mother is not emotionally healthy, but I agree with the underlying sentiment. It can be very, very hard to deal with when there are strained relationships, and you might get hit by the crossfire. Or, like me, your BF could be so traumatized by his co-parenting experience that he is scared to have more kids. Keep your eyes WIDE open.
Finally, for me, being a stepmom is great and worth the complications. No, you’ll never have the same bond with the kid that he/she has with the mom, but you can forge your own bond and be a great influence. Take your lead from the kid and from your boyfriend as you figure out your role in the kid’s life, which will surely evolve over time.
AEK
Ooh, just read some more of the comments above, and have to say, the geographic flexibility thing is a huge downside. As long as there’s shared custody and the child is under 18, you won’t be able to move unless mom wants to move, too. I do feel constrained by that.
River Song
A lot of great advice here. I second most of what AEK says, and want to add, I’ve had very very few issues with my stepchild–only with the mom. And also, since your relationship with this man is new, you probably won’t–and shouldn’t–have much to do with his child for awhile. Take it slow.
MaggieLizer
Other commenters have given really fantastic advice, I just thought I’d add my story to the mix to give another perspective. I was with my ex when his son was 2-6. It was really hard for me to be so emotionally invested in a child and have so little say in his upbringing or how my ex managed his relationship with the mother. You have to be able to take a back seat and let the parents parent their child, even when you strenuously disagree with them. You can voice your opinion to your SO, but you really have no power. I ended up losing all respect for my ex because he wouldn’t stand up to the mother when she was doing things that really harmed the child. It was really hard to leave because I didn’t want to abandon the child and I felt guilty for a long time.
girl in the stix
This a thousand times. I was in a relationship with a man who had kids. If it hadn’t been for the them, I would have dumped him after six months. But I really cared for the boys, and it’s really hard to dump kids. So I spent way too long in a very bad relationship, and still ended up feeling horribly guilty about abandoning children to a dysfunctional home.
Seattleite
Not a step-mom, but am a former wife whose kids now have a step-mom.
Life is random, and the child’s mother could die, become incapacitated, or completely fall apart at any time. If that happens, the father will have sole custody and the child will be around 24-7. So if there is *any* part of you that thinks you could suck it up for visitation periods but you wouldn’t be on board for full custody, please do all of you the favor of not getting involved.
Anon
Late reply here but yes to this. I have an extended family situation where a potentially terminal illness is on the horizon. The step mother is now looking at being a fulltime mother to the husbands child if worst comes to worst. It should always be a consideration – could you be a fulltime parent to this child if required?
mezzaluna
Apologies if this is a repeat question… but can someone shed some light on how to effectively answer the interview question, “What is your biggest weakness?” It’s for an entry level associate position at a firm, if that matters.
Anony
Think honestly about what is ACTUALLY one of your biggest weaknesses. And then say how you have been working on improving it or trying to get better. But please don’t use one of those “weaknesses that isn’t really a weakness” thing, it rubs me so the wrong way.
So if your biggest weakness is that you can get overwhelmed easily, say that, but say that you’ve been working on breaking tasks into concrete steps and you’ve been able to really improve and/or whatever. The only weaknesses I wouldn’t use are something really bad like “I’m an alcoholic” or “well, my cocaine addiction has been a real problem.”
NOLA
What I’ve heard people say is that you should try to find a “weakness” that you can turn around to be a positive. For example, you could say that you’re too hard on yourself or you’re a perfectionist, but that you have found ways to let things go to be more productive. Just don’t let it be something that could be a deal breaker or something that would land with a thud. By the way, I think that’s a really dumb question for an interviewer to ask. Wouldn’t do it (and I am interviewing someone today!).
Anonie
I agree with you. It’s really a dumb question to ask. It may suggest the preparedness of the interviewer (if the interviewer happens to be all over the place trying to answer it) but I’d never ask it either.
NOLA
Yeah, when we’re writing interview questions, we try to ask ourselves:
1. What do we really want to know about this person?
2. What questions will allow us to gather that information?
3. When we’ve asked that question in the past, have we gotten useful information?
Anonnc
I suggest running a search on the askamanager site because she (and her commenters) have given great examples of effective ways to answer this question. Essentially, you should pick an actual weakness (not a faux-weakness like “I’m a perfectionist”) and give concrete examples of how you’ve tried to work with/address that weakness.
momentsofabsurdity
No good advice except for please don’t use the answer “I’m just TOO much of a perfectionist/TOO hard a worker!”
When I had to answer that question in interviews when I started working, I said something about how “My education helped me developed macro-skills, and I’m an excellent communicator, critical thinker and decision maker. However, I need to spend some time developing my micro-skills in Industry and learning to the specifics of Industry, which I hope I’ll be able to do in this position.”
Honestly, the question is BS and anyone who asks it should expect a BS answer.
Ashley
I usually reply that I’m not outwardly organized, so I tend to have a messy desk. I know where everything is, and I don’t lose files, but if someone needed to grab a file from my desk, they would be at a loss. I say that I’ve been working on this weakness by trying to keep files in a central location, only keeping projects that are open on my desk, and documenting things via email, in addition to hard copies (marketing, not law, so my files aren’t privileged).
Blonde Lawyer
I say that I can get defensive when criticized and am working on simply accepting constructive criticism instead of defending why I did something the way I did. It is true and it shows that you are assertive and speak your mind but know there is a time and place to keep it shut.
DeGirl
I like this answer. I’m gonna copy it for my next interview, Blonde Lawyer :)
Anon-who-loves-cookies
My response (and it’s true) is public speaking. I usually say, “everyone always tells me I’m good speaking in groups, but I don’t like to do, it’s something that makes me nervous, and I know it’s something I need to improve. But, I realize it’s an essential part of my job, and I’m always working to improve my skills in this area – whether it be toastmaster classes or taking up an opportunity to speak to small groups to improve.” It’s also the reason why I don’t want to be a litgator, but want to transition into more transactional work (this is a work in progress!).
Bluejay
I had a conversation with a friend about this question the other night, and although we both agreed that we would never ask such a stupid f-ing question, these were our top three responses:
“I’m terrible at answering stupid questions.” (Side note- she actually used this response in an interview, the partner loved her, brought her around personally on her callback, and she got an offer.)
“Wolves.”
“Peanut butter.”
NOLA
Just hilarious. Wish I were that witty.
Kady
I would substitute “wolves” with “vampires.”
nona
“Chocolate chip cookies”
nona
“and polka dots”
TCFKAG
Corporette. (Hides head in shame.)
TCFKAG
Reposting to avoid moderation.
[This website]. Hides head in shame.
Coalea
Doritos.
CKB
kryptonite
Susan
A friend of mine answered “Kryptonite” with her usual friendly sunny smile, and got a job offer.
MaggieLizer
I usually go for the funny responses and use it as a way to insert some personality into the interview. For example: “Cooking. It used to be a weakness in the sense that I was truly horrible at it. As in, the first time I tried to bake cupcakes I set them on fire. I wish I were joking. But now it’s a weakness in the sense that I love it and can end up wasting an entire Sunday morning fixing a huge breakfast! I love cooking xyz.” You should have a backup in case they say, no seriously, I need to write something in this little form here.
mamabear
“Impatience. I get frustrated with bureaucracy and inefficiency.”
Can't wait to Quit
Reverse Vent: Last day at work. Boss is not in today, said I could leave when I want. Arrived at 10:00, 1 hour of misc. work, 1 hour of packing my stuff and cleaning my desk, then lunch with favored group of co-workers outside of my department, and then drive home with the top down. Depart for foreign parts tomorrow for fantastic birthday trip. This feels like the best day of my life.
GRA
Congratulations!!! Sounds like a fantastic last day (and it was very considerate of your boss to not be there)!
phillygirlruns
that sounds fabulous. happy last day and happy weekend!
KLG
Congrats! That sounds awesome.
Rose in Bloom
Congratulations and happy birthday!
Leslie
This made me smile! :)
zora
Yay!!! Congrats, so happy for you Can’t Wait! Thanks for sharing the happy-rant ;)
Amy H.
Hooray!!! This is fantastic. Thanks for letting us share in it a tiny bit.
phillygirlruns
can we play the what-are-you-wearing game today? i’ve been feeling very “meh” about my wardrobe lately and could use some inspiration.
me: pale yellow ralph lauren button-down shirt – casual cotton fabric – under a navy blazer, sleeves rolled once to show the blue/white striped lining. khaki skirt, straighter/wider than a pencil skirt but not quite a-line. tan loafers/flats with a large buckle and braided leather detail at the toes. rose gold mk watch, blue topaz yurman petite albion ring and matching stud earrings, wedding set, silver monogram necklace. i thought this would be preppy-cute, but in reality it’s kind of boring and blah.
PharmaGirl
Working from home so… yoga pants, Gap cotton shirt, and Keds.
Anonymous
Ditto! I love teleworking!
a.
Hate it when an outfit you think is going to be cute makes you feel blah all day. Hate. It.
I needed a pick-me-up this morning so I’m in a pleated a-line skirt in really deep, saturated pink; it’s kind of hard color to explain, maybe verging on a not-very-orange coral? Also got white shell, black drape-fronted cardigan, and black, white, and multi-striped ballet flats. Standard jewelry. My peppy skirt and flats might be the only things getting me through this day.
KC
I love the description of your flats and skirt! Sounds very cute :)
Godzilla
T-shirt, pajama pants and bathrobe. Allergy-instigated sinus infection has KNOCKED ME OUT. But the bathrobe is sky blue cotton, so I can pretend it’s seersucker inspired and I fit in with the rest of y’all.
Anonymous NYer
Gap wide leg gray pinstripe pants from circa 2007. pewter ballet flats. bright pink/coral boatneck-ish sweater from limited. Long silver necklace with leaf pendant from forever 21. Had a migraine last night so I slept later than usual and didn’t shower this morning (showered yesterday – washed essential parts this morning), so hair’s pulled back. But eh, it’s friday, and I’ll probably be out of here by 3ish.
PharmaGirl
I have those pants! Sadly mine are now too small.
Anonymous NYer
haha unfortunately mine fit again. They were too big for about 2 years in there, but nope, not too big anymore…
Blonde Lawyer
Black pencil skirt (not your mother’s jeans in a size larger than I regularly wear so I can wear it lower rise), pink three quarter sleeve BR button front shirt, gray blazer with black and tank pin stripes that is about three inches from my wrist-length (don’t know what that is called) and that has an odd, one button, and the two sides of the blazer on each side of the button aren’t the same length (the right is about an inch longer) – it is a totally unique blazer that I bought in Singapore for $10. Black round toe pumps, ESQ watch, starfish studs (also from Singapore), gun metal glasses and a black pony tail holder.
Leslie
would that be bracelet length?
Bonnie
Navy pinstripe skirt suit with a cream top with navy polka dots I picked up at H&M recently. Accessorizes with a cobalt blue bangle, silver necklace and gray suede heels. I think the judges are conspiring against me in setting hearings on Fridays so I never get to wear jeans!
NOLA
Boring today because I’m interviewing. Tan and black skirt, a little fuller than I usually wear and it’s causing me to constantly worry about the back, black tank, black openwork linen cardigan (hard to describe – it’s fairly sheer) and black heels with a cutout pattern. Green amethyst earrings and necklace.
CKB
Gap straight leg jeans, leopard print flats, coral gathered v-neck raglan sleeve knit top that is longer than my ‘shrunken’ brown cotton blazer that has flowers embroidered on it, kind of like eyelet, but much heavier cotton & bigger flowers. And a gold chain.
Kontraktor
Casual Friday at my office. Dark wash skinny ankle jeans, a pale pink tunic top with a bright purple/hot pink/black geometric feather pattern, long black merino wool cardigan. Pairing with chunky silver flat sandals, a black patent purse, thick black glasses, and long silver earrings.
Jo March
Black slacks, blue button down sweater (the buttons go too high to wear it as a cardigan, which is kinda weird, but I *love* the colour and fit), big blue and purple shawl/scarf. Yay for casual Fridays so I don’t have to wear a blazer!
Leslie
Phillygirl – Sounds cute to me! And happy-springy. Plus, my outfit is levels down on the fun scale. Beige WOOL skirt – it is probably 80 degrees here- & black faux wrap top w/ black cardigan. At least I have turquoise on my earrings.
KinCA
It’s casual Friday for me, so GAP dark wash skinny jeans (think they might actually be jeggings – GASP!), brown suede platform Jessica Simpson heels, silk gray/brown/white/orange printed tank from Banana Republic and a lightweight orange cardigan from BR. Accessories: Citizen gold and silver watch, large gold Ann Taylor pendant necklace, diamond studs.
SC
After getting home from a 4-day business trip at 1:00 a.m. last night (or this morning?), I’m phoning it in on my outfit and keeping my door shut – wearing flats, black pants, bright blue blouse, and tweed gray and brown blazer. My hair is pulled back, and I’m wearing no makeup. On the plus side, I spent 30 minutes with my husband this morning instead of getting ready and being on time to work.
NOLA
I just ran into my regular checker at Whole Foods on campus. I knew she was a student or alum but had never seen her here. She said “Wow! You look great today!” I replied that it’s not hard to look better when she normally sees me at 8:30 on a Friday night at Whole Foods in whatever clothes I threw on after the treadmill and shower and without makeup.
DC Jenny
Casual Friday for me too. I’m wearing black Ann Taylor ponte pants, a J. Crew lightweight cotton cardigan in black, and an AT t-shirt in a bright melon color with black Cole Haan Air Talia Lace Wedge shoes. Hair is in a ponytail since I had physical therapy this morning, and it went all frizzy when I ran on the treadmill. Only jewelry is very small gold hoop earrings.
Why couldn’t we have played this game yesterday when I was looking awesome? :p
ChocCityB&R
Dark wash trouser cut gap jeans, white t-shirt, pink (yes pink) striped blazer, black keds. Nothing fancy, but no one (other than security guards) sees me during the day.
Bette
I have a marathon day filled with tons of walking on cobblestones and possibly some crawling around under tables to hook up computers, etc thus I am dressed in really comfortable cotton pieces.
I am wearing a light grey target pencil skirt that I love and wear constantly once it’s nice out. A grey tee from American apparel a shrunken navy blazer from Nordstrom rack and an okay scarf in pink/purple/blue also from Nordstrom rack. I think my whole outfit cost $75 and it’s all machine washable!
On my feet I have a new pair of silver Ecco flats. They’re extremely comfortable but the silver finish is flaking off a bit where the toe bends and it’s only my fifth time wearing them. I am trying to decide if this annoys me enough to return them. I paid full price at nordies since I was in desperate need of a new pair of comfortable silver flats .
Kady
J Crew cafe capri in fuschia, Boden navy/white print top, tiffany blue wedge that has a bit bow in front and a hugegantic teardrop necklace in matching blue. Maybe I’ll make a set…
phillygirlruns
this sounds fabulous. love navy/fuchsia.
Kady
Done
http://www.polyvore.com/ootd_20-12/set?id=47512478
Srsly, I need a job : p
Zelda
Oh how I want to be wearing this right now
cbackson
Black DVF sheath and black low-heel AGL pumps. It’s a monochromatic day.
C.
Very dark straight-legged Gap jeans, a red and white gingham buttondown, a sky blue silk v-neck sweater, and kicky black-and-brown leather flats. Also? I’m having some kind of excellent hair week.
I love red and sky blue together, and I feel cute (albeit kind of preptastic). Since my boyfriend and I are going out tonight to celebrate a friend’s birthday, I know I’ll get extra points from my hipster boyfriend for wearing a gingham shirt, so that’s a plus, too.
Basics
How should a T-shirt worn for casual wear, not in the office, fit?
@ BlueJay: my Lands End modal T-shirts arrived. I really like them. I couldn’t tell if I was an XS or a S from the size chart, so I ordered both. I washed one of each and tried them on. And now I still can’t tell.
The XS is the correct length (hits just below the hip bone, so not too long to wear out but long enough to stay tucked if worn in). The sleeves and shoulder seams sit right. The body is a little tighter than I am used to. It is not uncomfortable. You cannot see my bra in the back. There aren’t creases or pleats between my br(#asts, but you can see where my br@^sts are and how large/small they are. FWIW I am 5’2″ 120 lbs and a 32C.
The S is much more comfortable. It is very long; too long to wear out. The sleeves and shoulders are slightly more roomy than the XS, but they don’t look too big. The major difference is in the body. It is loose everywhere, so you can’t see the shape of my back or exactly how big my br$%sts are, though you can tell where they are and that they are there.
I’m trying to decide whether the XS is too small or whether I am one of those people from “What Not To Wear” who always chooses one size too large until Stacy and Clinton show her how clothes are supposed to fit.
Sutemi
I have taken in the side seams of several Lands End shirts. I have to size up in order to fit my shoulders but then the waist is baggy. If you have a sewing machine it is a 5 minute job to take in the side seams by an inch on each side.
Bluejay
I sized up to an XLP instead of my usual LP and am pretty happy with the sized up version, but I have some bumps and rolls and don’t really like particularly tight shirts, and I have a long waist so they aren’t too long on me. I think the tops are supposed to be fitted, so if I were you I’d wear the XS; it doesn’t sound like it’s too tight, its sounds cute and form fitting. But maybe you could try an SP? That would be shorter and less roomy, but still less tight than the regular XS.
Lands End will probably let you return the ones you bought even though you washed them. They have an amazing return policy.
Basics
OMG. This trying on and more trying on to get the right cut and fit and size is endless. It could be a full time job. Except I already have a full time job. The idea of a SP is great. I hadn’t thought of it. So now when i go to Sears to return the shirts, I can see if they have this shirt and if they have it in a SP. If so, let the games begin again.
Bluejay
If they don’t have them at Sears, try the website – that’s where I got mine b/c there’s no Sears near me.
Rose in Bloom
FWIW I am very close to you in height and weight and I have the XS. I agree that it is fitted, but I have found that I look much shorter or more squat if I wear looser shirts. I agree with Bluejay that the petite might solve your problem – these shirts are the only thing from Lands End that I own that are not petite because everything else is too big or long.
In case this helps your decision-making, I think they only stretch out a little bit (not much) over time.
Jules
It doesn’t sound like the XS is too tight or too small. I am the opposite of extra-small but I find that a more close-fitting top (as long as it doesn’t pull across the chest or show lines/back fat) is more flattering, since it shows that I actually have a shape. So my advice would be to go with the XS instead of the S.
I just bought three LE modal shirts (in petite large) and they’re a bit too big, trying to decide whether to exchange or just see if they shrink in the wash. Did yours shrink? How much?
Basics
Mine barely shrunk — maybe 2 or 3 millimeters.
I tried on the Petite Small at Sears today. The length was shorter and better for me. But the body was just as loose as the Regular Small. So I am sticking with the Regular XS.
Sweet as Soda Pop
I’m going to my first CrossFit class tomorrow, in an effort to actually be healthy… I am not currently doing any strength training, my workouts all consist of walking the (large and energetic) dog. Any words of wisdom from the ‘Rettes who CrossFit?
Frustrated
I would seriously reconsider starting out with Crossfit. It might be a gym to gym thing but the one I went to was not really geared towards people looking to start getting in shape but rather people who were looking to either supplement their existing workouts or add in some serious interval weight training.
It might be different but I would hate to see you get discouraged bc everyone around you is either in super marathon training shape.
BigLaw Optimist
Oh, I disagree! My sister does Cross Fit, and she was NOT in shape when she started. The other people at her gym totally cheered on and made her feel really good about taking charge of her own health (lots of encouragement, etc!). Now she’s super healthy, she looks AMAZING, and she’s really really happy with herself. It’s going to be really hard and you will likely feel like death after the workouts for the first couple of months, but your body will adjust for sure and you’ll get great results. Good luck!!
phillygirlruns
this is definitely a gym-to-gym thing. at my gym (i refuse to use the word “box,” even though that’s the official language), we have a very wide range of fitness levels and the coaches tailor the workout for each person. all gyms differ, but our basic class structure is 5-7 minutes of foam rolling or using a lacrosse ball to work out kinks (self-myofascial release/SMR), 5-10 minutes of warm-up stuff (static or dynamic stretches and other stuff – always tailored to whatever the main workout is), strength/skill work (e.g., back squat, starting with X and working up, in sets of anywhere from 1 to 5 reps – coach will tell you where to start and how much to go up each time, watches each set and gives you corrections where necessary), and then the metcon (usually 10 minutes or less, sometimes longer – this is the balls-to-the-wall type stuff that crossfit is generally known for).
our gym has an “elements” program where your first six classes are geared to introducing you to the basic movements that we frequently use. this is pretty standard.
i don’t know many people who are lukewarm towards crossfit. either you drink the kool-aid and are all “ZOMG THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER” (like me) or it’s just not for you at all. i blog about my training if you’re interested – phillygirlruns at blogspot.
MissJackson
No words of wisdom, but I’ve always wanted to try CrossFit — let us know how it goes!
Niktaw
Do not plan anything physically demanding for 1-2 days after. You will be very, very sore.
A large bottle of water, naturally; bring sunglasses and a hat because the workout may include an outdoor component. Apply sunscreen before the class, for the same reason.
EK
This. Make sure you stock up on ibuprofen.
viclawstudent
Second the reminder on the water – if your current workout regime involves a lot of walking, this may not have been a problem before, but when I started working with a personal trainer I almost vomited during the first session and she said she thought it was because I was dehydrated and not drinking enough water throughout the day. So the day you do the session, bring way more water than you think you’ll need, and make sure you drink a lot of water before you go, too.
cbackson
I love CrossFit. Love it. My gym caters to folks at a wide range of fitness points, from people who are movement limited to 2:50 marathoners. There’s an extremely obese woman who attends my classes, and over the last few months I’ve seen her go from unable to step up on a low box without help to being able to do squats unassisted (only a few, and with really light weights, but still – it’s a huge achievement). I have nothing bad to say about my experience there, even though I’m not as much of a CF cultist as some of them (I only go twice a week).
Be really open with the trainers about your limitations and don’t be afraid to ask questions of the other people in the class. Tell people it’s your first time and that you want to go last on the various exercises so that you can watch them. Is this a beginner class, or just a standard Level 1?
Sweet as Soda Pop
It’s a beginner class, one they make you take before signing up for “real” classes. I was hoping you’d respond, cbackson, I remember when you were thinking about it!
cbackson
My gym had that too, and it REALLY helped. It was still scary the first time I did a “real” class, but having learned the techniques in the beginner class was super-helpful.
Rani
I started CrossFit a few months ago — I was in better shape than the average person, but really, that’s not saying much at all, because I’m woefully weak and slow when compared to my CrossFit friends.
But that doesn’t matter in my gym (also feel silly calling it a box). If you’re trying (really trying, not kinda trying – they know the difference) it’s all good. But it took me a while to get comfortable with being the worst person in the group, even though I was the only one who cared.
I really think that attitude depends on the gym, and can even vary within the gym depending on the time of day and the coach.
D Train South
I’ve done this intro class. Plan to feel awful right afterwards and sore and smug for a day or two after that. Do watch the videos before each class, because they will help you to get the moves right. Up your water intake starting now and just plan to start a healthy eating plan with your new class. It will help you in a lot of ways. Get cross-training or lifting shoes – not running shoes – unless you have foot issues with running.
Hel-lo
My sister is a personal trainer and keeps winning her CrossFit competitions! I am so proud of her!
And so not fit myself.
Frustrated
Where are you ladies finding your sleeved blouses? I have an olive skin tone and dark features (think Kim K for comparison?) so most pastels make me look sickly. Same with pretty much any yellow. I love jewel tones and they look great with my skin tone but I want to do summer colors too!
Preferably looking for cotton, cotton blends or silk. Polyester tends to make me overheat.
TCFKAG
I would check out Boden (their tops and tees section). A lot of their stuff is in silk or a silk-blend and they have a bunch of stuff with a jewel tone pattern that might look lovely on you this season. Here’s the link.
http://www.bodenusa.com/en-US/Womens-Tops-T-shirts.html?allOptions=false
Supra
I have the same coloring. I don’t think I ever realized that pastels are not good (I rarely wear them, although have recently purchased two mint green tops). I also wear yellow, but sparingly.
What other colors should I look for/avoid?
Frustrated
The no pastels and yellow thing is pretty much all I’ve got. I also tend to eschew yellow gold for jewelry but that might just be a personal preference since I think it looks weird with my skin but everyone else says its fine.
Frustrated
Love it. I’ve already picked out close to 10 tops. Thank you!
TCFKAG
I own the Palazzo Top in Silver Antique Rose and its every bit as cute in person as it looks on-line. But you might like the Petal or the Navy Antique Rose better — not sure.
Frustrated
I can’t believe how boring I am. I re-looked at my bag…every thing is a solid.
I do love the petal palazzo top. I can tell that color will be perfect.
TCFKAG
Well….happy to have cost you a few hundred bucks…I guess. :-) haha.
anon
I have the same problem. I’ve decided that navy is a spring color that works for me – pastels do not. Also, emerald green, turquoise, and red look good. I usually don’t go for yellow, but mustard yellow sometimes works – you might want to give that a try.
Boden has great stuff but never pay full price. There is always a couplon code for at least 15% off with fee shipping (check retailmenot.com).
E-shakti??
So I read the Jezabel write up on this company this week (e shak ti dot com — to avoid moderation). Does anyone have any experience with them? I’m big of b oo b and a size 16 so finding a dress that really fits soumds very promising.
Any thoughts? Love, PHX
sadie
I asked the same question a few threads ago and got mixed feedback — basically, some commenters had bad experiences with them a few years ago, but the company seems to have improved. Advice was to get someone else to measure you, rather than trying to do it yourself, and to use a discount code. Good luck!
Real Estate Advice
This is both a vent and a query. How do you save up enough money for a down payment? I am hoping to buy in a high-cost area and I just can’t figure out how to both pay for my rent and save up enough for a down payment. I make a good salary, but I live in a very expensive part of the country and have a family and it sometimes just seems insurmountable. We do not live an extravagant lifestyle, though I’m sure there are little places where we could cut back. And our families are not in any position to give us money for a down payment. I think one of the challenges is that we’re too old for a real “starter home.” We can’t buy a studio because of the kids, and even a two bedroom feels too small. So we’re looking at spending at least $600,000 for a place to live, and coming up with a 20% down just feels impossible.
If you’ve made a significant down payment without family help, how did you do it? I would love some inspiration.
Can't wait to Quit
FHA loans still don’t require a very big down payment. 20% is great to shoot for, but in many very expensive areas it makes sense to put down a smaller downpayment and make sure you have savings left over to cover the maintenence and unexpected costs that are part of home ownership.
Anon for this
I cut all unnecessary spending and starting hoarding cash in my bank account so that I could show a bank statement reflecting that the downpayment came from me. That means I put a stop on my 401(k) contributions and I also stopped spending any cash and charging everything (and then just paid the minimum balance). If you have student loans, you may also seek a deferral on those for a while.
The rules have probably changed since I bought in 2005, but back then you didn’t have to have 20% down and you didn’t have to pay PMI. I think the way I structured it was to pay 5% down, take a first mortgage for 80% and then take a second mortgage for 15% of the purchase price. Course, being so leveraged is probably what got this country into the housing bubble and crash to begin with.
If you really want the house, you might also consider paying the PMI and not putting 20% down.
I know it’s nice to own your own home, but I probably wouldn’t put myself through these kinds of hoops to buy a home in this economy. Houses are not appreciating the way they were and prices will probably stay flat for the next few years. So it’s not like you’re “missing out” by not buying now (I was anxious to buy in 2005 because it seemed like prices were going up 10% every year–what a mistake that was!).
Remember too that you don’t just have to have the $120K for a downpayment. You need to consider: having an emergency fund of 3-6 months salary in case of an unexpected job loss; closing costs; costs of sprucing up the place after you buy. We purchased a brand new home that needed no remodeling but I still spent a small fortune in the months after buying on (i) painting rooms something other than “contractor white,” (ii) window treatments (the rooms didn’t even have shades); (iii) landscaping (new homes generally don’t have great landscaping, or really any to speak of) and (iv) furniture to fill up that lovely home. Are you really going to be happy in a big home where you have an empty living room or a big master bedroom with your college furniture in it?
Best of luck whatever you decide!
red flag
The student loans comment raised a red flag. Defer your student loans and save for a downpayment in the hope of taking on even more loans (in forms of a mortgage)?
Real-Estate Non Guru
I definitely would NOT put student loans into deferment in order to buy a house, but that’s just my own personal risk level.
Anon 2 for this
I’m sorry, but I think there are several red flags here, including charging on your credit cards and paying the minimum balance. Banks certainly evaluate whether you are carrying any unsecured debt. And, taking out a second mortgage? That is not advisable, to say the least. I do agree that if you can’t save a down payment and if taking out a jumbo mortgage doesn’t make sense for you, you may want to defer buying now. Whether you save money on renting vs. buying depends on a multitude of factors and real estate is not given to appreciate anymore.
wynn duffy
I agree completely. This seemed like really unsound advice
nona
Would your potential mortgage payment be more than your current rent?
It’s not a solution, but putting the difference between what you are paying now and what you would be paying in savings can help build the down payment and get you adjusted to the cost of living increase before you are stuck with it.
That technique could extend to other aspects of your budget (utilities, insurance, commute costs) as well.
Real Estate Non-Guru
We made an almost $100,000 downpayment. Most of it came from about five years of constant savings — i.e. living well below our means and essentially putting aside the rest. But we also liquidated a bunch of assets — for example we had stocks and bonds that we sold. We also took a loan on my husbands 401K (which is one of only I think three acceptable reasons to do an early withdrawal from retirement savings) — we spoke to several finance people about it and they felt we were both early enough in our careers and we were putting enough into retirement and such that this was an okay move. Basically, while we could have gotten the loan at less than the full 20% downpayment, we didn’t want to deal with the points and the penalties associated with that. None of this impoverished us in any way, but it was a big check to write all in one day!
I think the first step is to sit down with a financial planner or by yourselves and really assess “what assets do we actually have right now that could be liquidated reasonably.” Once you figure out where you are, figure out what you need to do to get where you want to go. And make a concrete plan to get there. Otherwise, it all just seems kind of pie in the sky.
long time lurker
I’m also there with a six figure down payment (NYC). I had to put down 20%, that is what the bank required for the mortgage. It just takes time. I work in big law, so I have a good salary. I really lived beneath my means for about 3-4 years to save all this money. I did take vacations, buy the occasional nice pair of shoes, but I generally did not spend the money my peers were spending on leisure and clothes/shoes. Most of this is because I am a cheap person. My approach was to have my employer direct deposit my paychecks into two accounts – my daily living account and then an ING savings account. To come up with the ratio, I figured out much I generally spent on just living, with a little cushion built in. At the end of the month I would transfer any “extra” in the daily living account to the savings account. During this time I also contributed in full to 401K to get the tax benefits of that (and obvs, to save for retirement). I started saving like this after paying off my student loans (went to a state school, so they were not bad).
When I got serious and started looking, I basically lived like a monk for about six months, directing all money to savings. The hard part for me was after the home purchase (and furniture buying – make sure to save some for decorating and furniture), I felt like I had zero money. Having all that money in the bank was nice – I felt like I could just run away and exist on that money if I wanted and I liked that feeling. Now, not so much.
Also remember to budget for closing costs (taxes, title ins, etc).
SF Bay Associate
Inspiring!
Real Estate Advice
Definitely inspiring :)
long time lurker
Thank you both!
Lila
LTL – did you find that you had to have an additional six figures in liquidity for the board interviews? I am OK with the 20% down, but having another 20% on top of that is a tad overwhelming. Thanks!
Real Estate Non-Guru
Another thing to remember now, in advance, is to work on getting your debt-to-income ration down. Two to three years before we bought, we paid off one of our cars completely to lower that ration. We also always used our credit cards, but paid them off diligently every month (best way to get your credit score jacked up). I still had student loans, of course, but they don’t view those as negatively.
We were also frugal — I was at the time in Big Law and he works in corporate finance and we lived in a cr*ppy rental and are not by nature extravagant people. But, we also didn’t eat ramen. So its doable.
PharmaGirl
Definitely make sure you pay off credit cards every month. My credit report was checked for preapproval and I had no credit card debt at the time. The next time it was checked for the actual loan, I was mid-cycle on my credit card and hadn’t paid it yet so there was a balance. This <2K balance was specifically questioned in the approval process. I use the card for everything so tend to have a very high balance for most of the month, before I pay it all off.
long time lurker
This exact thing happened to me, good point.
Sydney Bristow
I’ve heard that the best thing to do about using your credit cards is to use up to 30% of the available credit and pay them off immediately. That is supposed to give you the biggest bump in score. Above 30% isn’t as good because that is too high a ratio of credit used versus available credit.
meara
I’m single and bought a house a couple years ago in my early 30s. While I’d been saving for years and years (bonuses, tax refunds, regular paycheck withdrawals, lack of car payment all helped), it wasn’t specifically for a downpayment–it was all part of “have lots of money just in case”–I’d put it in a savings account attached to checking, and whenever there seemed to be a lot in there would move it to ING (where it felt less available, and for a while had better interest rates). But honestly, the thing that really let me start and keep saving was sheer luck (though it didn’t feel that way at the time)–being laid off when I was fairly young, and having a huge severance payment (well, huge compared to my salary at that time) but getting a new job quickly. So I sort of started with a chunk of change and that helped a lot.
That said, I’m not sure buying was the best plan, really–it still freaks me out the amount of money I owe, and feeling like I will never ever pay it off (and worrying that if I had to sell any time soon I’d lose money), and that I can’t just up and move to Australia or whatever. But I also got a place where my mortgage payment is hardly more than my rent was (though utilities are much more expensive than I anticipated), so that helps too.
Susan
Do you do a monthly budget? Do you track where pretty much every dollar goes? I use Quicken for this, and every month, it produces a nice pie chart indicating where all my dollars go.
Is it absolutely necessary to buy instead of rent? I don’t know if you and DH have clearly enumerated the pros and cons of buying vs. renting. Homeowners face a lot of responsibilities and additional expenses. If you feel like you can’t even get a downpayment together, it will suck hard to have to scrounge to pay for a new roof, new furnace/HVAC system, new windows, etc. How about property tax? Generally, high-cost areas also have high property tax. Are you potentially setting yourself up for financial difficulties in the future if you buy instead of rent?
Finally, would you and DH be willing to buy a fixer-upper? One must be very handy and have time, to do this, but it can mean that you pay a lot less on the house, and pay less to do-it-yourself to renovate. My parents did this with our family home, but my mom and dad are both scary handy. Not a course I’d recommend for someone without time or know-how, but if you have both, it can be a really good solution.
Real Estate Advice
@ Susan: ouch. Pulling together a $120,000 down payment is a big deal. Obviously, home improvements are not cheap — but I think there’s a big difference between those expenses and the size of a down payment we’re looking at.
We use Mint for tracking expenses, which is helpful. I should probably spend more time hashing out those little expenses. It seems marginal, but I know it can add up.
@ Non Guru: your experience with borrowing against the 401k is helpful. We could do that to come up with more cash, but I had been under the impression that it was such a bad idea financially that it was out of the question. I should do more research on that piece.
@nona: that’s a great idea. Our rent is probably not that different from what a mortgage would be after the interest deduction, but we could try that technique and get used to it.
@everyone: thanks for these comments, which are helpful and discouraging at the same time. I appreciate that you took the time to write.
Real Estate Non-Guru
The 401-K “loan” (I put it in quotations since its really your money) is far from ideal, obviously, and you’ll get a bit slammed in the next year’s taxes. But we’re still relatively young and we have time to rebuild. And it got us a decent chuck of change to supplement what we had saved. But on the flip side, we walk into our house with substantial equity, rather than having to wait 5-7 years before we have any equity at all. That means if we do for some unforeseeable reason we need to sell nearer term, we’re more comfortable that we won’t get h*sed.
Shrug. Nothing’s perfect.
mamabear
How do you get slammed on next year’s taxes after taking a 401K loan. Are you talking about a hardship withdrawal? In that case, yes, you’d get slammed with not only the taxes on the withdrawal, but also pay a 10% penalty on top.
I took a loan from my 401K and paid myself back over the next 5 years. I happened to buy my first house during a run-up in real estate prices, so the money I invested in my house did better than it would have sitting in my 401K, but that’s a gamble.
To get ready to buy our first house, my husband and I both maxed out our 401K contributions for three years and also saved as much cash as we could. Our incomes were lower back then (we were in our twenties) so we could contribute as much as 15% to the 401K. We had friends who were doing a lot of traveling in their 20s and we didn’t do it (I’ve still never been to Italy) but we were able to get into the housing market and buy that starter home earlier than most of our friends.
Real Estate Non-Guru
To be honest, mama bear, I’m not entirely sure, since my husband did the taxes this year. But my understanding was that the withdrawal is treated as income earned (not the 10% penalty on top, just income earned). Maybe I’m wrong. We had other fun tax things change this year that resulted in a high payment to the IRS, so it all kind of mixed together in my brain.
mamabear
OK I get it. You did take a withdrawal. That’s different than a 401K loan. For the loan, you get money out, but you have to pay it back into your 401K on a schedule of monthly payments. This repayment is separate than your ongoing contributions from your paycheck. You have to budget the 401K loan repayments as part of your ongoing expenses of homeownership in order to figure out whether this will work for you.
So I did the loan, and some finance gurus don’t recommend it, but it was the only way I was going to be able to get in.
Real Estate Non-Guru
Interesting. Don’t know if you’ll see this — but we must have talked about both because I distinctly remember talking about a loan. It actually came out of my DH’s 401K though, so he did the paperwork. Hmm. I’m going to have to ask him tomorrow.
SF Bay Associate
Good F’ing Question. Presently struggling with this ourselves… $600k on a 3/2 condo in a decent area on the SF Peninsula… where the heck does that $120k down come from?! We may be renting forever.
Kontraktor
Live further outside of town? :-\
PharmaGirl
Not sure if you have access to one but credit unions sometimes have better options on mortgages than other lenders. We were able to put 10% down without PMI which allowed us to purchase a home a year earlier than expected and without losing our entire cushion of savings. My MIL is in a union job so we were able to open the accounts as family, just had to provide her account number as a reference on our paperwork.
ChocCityB&R
We were DINKS for 4 years, drove the same crappy cars we owned as teenagers, ate cheaply, lived in a “transitional” neighborhood, and socked away every.last.cent because like you, no parental help. After 4 years we had 75k, which we used to buy a starter home in another “transitional” neighborhood because we weren’t ready for kids, and everything else was out of our price range/seemed like a bad investment. Now we are working on down payment #2 on the long term purchase home, and planning to rent the current place because the rental market is so strong.
I don’t think this is something that can be done with kids, or living in an already high cost area. The two key components to our strategy was living in a cheap neighborhood and cutting all other expenses. With school districts to worry about, you don’t have that option. I honestly don’t know how most people do it.
Elysian
We’re also working on this – aiming for something in the 400-500k range in 3-4 years. We don’t have kids yet, but plan to, and I’m in my last year of law school, so at the moment there isn’t much to save. But these are my tips so far:
– Have realistic expectations about how far out in the future this will be. It’s a BIG savings goal. When we sat down and looked at our goal of having $100,000 in 5 years, that is an average of nearly $1700 saved a month. We just can’t cut that much out or make that much more at the moment. With that in mind, we’re aiming for 5 years with the realistic understanding that it might not happen until later. Depressing, but necessary. Luckily we started early. Figure out that number for you, and then you’ll have a realistic estimate of how much time you’ll have to wait.
— It is slow going. But eventually the number you have starts to get bigger and while we’re only 10% of the way there, its nice to look at that number and feel some progress. One day you’ll look at that number and feel like super-woman, but we all get there with small steps.
— Spend less. As if it was only as easy as saying it is!
— Earn more. Again, too hard to tell if its possible. But, get a part time job, free-lance, consult, whatever you can do in your industry. Ask for money instead of Christmas or birthday gifts, if you family is big on gift-giving, and tell your family about your goal.
— Set a baseline budget. Figure out what you need to get by and don’t spend more than that. ANYTHING extra that you get – birthday gift money, a raise, a bonus, find $20 on the street or in your pants pocket, whatever – goes into the house fund. If you or husband gets a $10,000 raise tomorrow, that’s $10,000 more a year you can give to your house dream. Avoid lifestyle inflation. For me, this means that I’ll get a job after law school and of my income, 50% will go to pay off my student loans and 50% will go to our house goal. We plan to continue to live as if my husband’s income is our only income until we have our 20% down and my loans are paid off. If both of you are already working, see if you can try living off of one person’s income while saving the other persons (its a good test, anyway, just in case God forbid one of you has to stop working for some reason).
— Don’t plan on your house price going up so you can “recoup” your money in a few years. That just isn’t what a home is for. As many times as I’ve tried to tell myself that this will be a “good investment,” I remember that its not a financial bet I’m making – its about how much I’m willing to pay for a HOME. It helps me to be more patient when I stop trying to convince myself that that I should move faster for the investment value. I try to remember to think about this all long-term, and remember that this is what it costs to pay for a place that I will love and live in.
— Figure out what this goal is really worth to you. If you want it enough and really can’t wait, it may be worth foregoing the 20% and taking the hit with PMI. It depends on why you want the house. If you want your kids to grow up with a yard, that kind of dream, then you might need to figure out how important that is compared to be financially secure with your home. No right or wrong here; if you want the house so your kids can grow up in it, it might be worth it to you to make a smaller down payment but pay more for the house in the long term. A financial planner may help decide this.
Best of luck – know that you’re not alone, and that even with all this talk about “how good the market is!” there are still a lot of people priced out of it at the moment. Good things come to those who wait.
Elysian
Wow that is much longer than it looked in that tiny box. Sorry about that!
MP gal
Wow, Elysian, really inspiring! You and long time lurker are my new personal finance super heroes!
Elysian
Thanks!! I’m definitely a budgeting junky (oh, the Excel spreadsheets we have!) and I think that helps, too. We’ll see if my super-heroic efforts are enough when it comes time to put my money where my mouth is!
As a sidenote – GNUCash (dot org) is a great tool for this sort of thing. It’s like Quicken but free and open-source.
darby
This may not help everyone, but I socked away bonuses & didn’t factor them into my daily cost of living. I’m a lawyer & did this during the “boom” times, so it may not work today. I still find it easier to save large chunks, like tax refunds (I know you’re not supposed to aim for them, but I do), bonuses, etc. rather than a percentage of each paycheck.
Lynnet
I hope it’s not too late to get some responses to this.
I’m second chair at my first jury trial starting Monday, in federal district court. I’d love any advice about that in general, but right now I’m mostly worried about clothes. It’s a four day trial. I own 3 suits, 2 pant suits and 1 skirt suit, each different enough to be easily distinguishable from the others. Do I need to buy another suit, so I can wear a different one each day, or is it ok to repeat? Also, how common is it for federal judges to actually care if you’re wearing a skirt suit vs. a pant suit? I’m much more comfortable in pant suits, and don’t really want to have to go out and buy 3 more skirt suits.
Fwiw, my boss is planning on wearing a sport coat, but I don’t know what the female equivalent of that is, and I’m positive that whatever it is, I don’t own it.
sadie
I think it’s fine to repeat. I also think pant suits are fine, at least based on my experience (mostly in federal district court in NYC). You’ll want to style them differently (different tops, jewelry, etc.), but if it’s just a simple black suit with pants, I really don’t think anyone will notice or care.
The only reason to go buy another suit would be if it would make you more comfortable.
Good luck! What a great opportunity!
Anonymous
I think pants suits are fine unless you’re in the south or the midwest and you have a judge who has a reputation for being really, really conservative. But if your boss is planning to wear a sports coat, he must not think this judge is the kind of judge who is going to care about the difference between a skirt suit and a pants suit.
Feel free to repeat, maybe change the shirt. If you wear the same suit on the first and last day the odds of anyone noticing are slim to none.
Bonnie
You should be fine with what you have especially if you can make the suits look different by wearing different shirts and accessories. I don’t think anyone will care if you wear pants or skirts; just wear what makes you feel more confident. Your boss is not wearing a suit for a jury trial?
Lynnet
Thank you for all of the quick responses! I feel much better knowing I don’t have to work a shopping trip into my trial prep.
Anon for this
I am reminded of a trial where my friend was second chair. Her boss was called up to the bench. The judge told him (the lead trial lawyer) to ask my friend to cover her legs because they were “distracting.” Ugh.
(She’s about the most conservative person I know so I’m confident her skirt was an appropriate length).
BigLaw Optimist
What?! That’s horrifying — and I also feel for the poor guy who had to tell her the JUDGE said that. Disgusting.
Sconnie
From my experience in federal and state court in the Midwest, no you do not need to buy any more suits, repeating is fine, and pant suits are fine. I come from a pretty laid-back and liberal area though, so YMMV. The female equivalent of your boss’s sport coat (just a men’s blazer) look would be something like black suit pants with a tweed blazer, or some other non-matching but still coordinating and conservative blazer. I have seen plenty of female attorneys do this in court (fed and state) and at trial even. But, they tend to do it on less important days of the trial. In general, go most formal for day 1/voir dire and opening statements and day 4 for closing and hopefully verdict. You can be a bit less formal in the middle when you’re really just going to be sitting at counsel table questioning witnesses. Also, as second chair, you are going to want to blend in more because you’re going to want the jury to look at and focus on your boss, not you.
Once again, this is what I’ve seen, but I can tell you from reading this site that my experience trends more casual than many others who are BigLaw, big city.
GW
I disagree on the being less formal on some days. First of all, I hate to see men in federal court in just a jacket and tie — they look like car salesmen, not lawyers. Women, particularly younger women, need to wear a suit or a suit equivalent (like a sheath dress with a matching blazer), unless you want to be mistaken for being a paralegal. If it’s a long trial, say, more than 3 weeks, then I think it’s ok to be less formal as time goes on, since by that point the judge and jury know you’re a lawyer. But if this is a short trial, just wear the three suits you have and do your best to make them look different with a different blouse or jewelry, or add a scarf. The male jurors won’t notice anyway, and the female jurors will actually give you credit for making the effort. I had a long trial out of town once and made do with 5 or 6 suits, and after the trial, two of the women jurors told me that they loved how I was always making my suits look different with new scarves or blouses. I wanted to kiss them for that! And by the way, it’s really the jury that you care about impressing, not the judge.
D.Ct. Clerk
Yes! I hate when male lawyers show up in sport jackets. This is federal court, people! Save your laid-back-country lawyer routine for state court.
Hel-lo
And don’t even do it in state court.
EmpLawyer
I think you should be fine with three suits (even if the trial runs over to a fifth day). Just wear very different shirts. As to the pantsuit issue – know your judge (ask a friend/mentor in your jurisdiction). Most don’t care, though. Especially if your boss is underdressing by wearing a sports coat!
Stop Here Elle Woods
Federal court = skirt suit. Not pants. Not sports jacket. It is OK to repeat the suit and shoes if the blouse is different. No expensive jewelry; jurors notice.
Because you have only one skirt suit and you have MUCH better things to do with your time before Monday, I would suggest wearing the skirt suit on day 1 and 4 and pants suit A on day 2 and pants suit B on day 3. In other words, begin and end strong.
Substantive stuff:
* The first time you stand up and approach the podium to do an examination, you will have an out of body experience from the moment you stand up until you are about 3-5 minutes into the examination. You will be on auto-pilot, so make sure your witness outline is perfect for you. (I like mine 14 point double spaced. Impeachment evidence in a specific format. If it is direct, expected answers under each question so I know if I need to prompt.) Make sure the exhibits (and depo transcripts, if it is cross) are near the podium for you, on the stand for the witness, and — depending on your judge’s preferences — with the court and opposing counsel. This is something your paralegal should handle.
* I end each section of an outline with a hard page return so that if I have to rearrange the sections within the binder on the fly (during the other side’s examination), each capsule is self-contained. I put a page at the end that says “Stop Here Elle Woods” so I know where the outline begins and where the rest of the stuff in my binder (extra paper, second copy of the outline in case I need it, etc) begins.
* Pay attention to your food and liquid consumption. You will only be able to go to the bathroom during breaks and lunch. But you don’t want to get dehydrated. So drink at times that will make you need to use the ladies room during breaks and lunch. Ditto with a big breakfast (even if you don’t normally and even if you don’t normally eat before court because of nerves), snacks and lunch.
* I like to have a particular assortment of pens with me at counsel table. Ditto for stickies and note paper.
* If you whisper to your co-counsel, hold your hand over your mouth/his ear so that no one can lipread.
Stop Here Elle Woods
Should have been:
* I end each section of an outline with a hard page return so that if I have to rearrange the sections within the binder on the fly (during the other side’s examination), each capsule is self-contained. I put a page at the end that says “Stop Here Elle Woods” so I know where the outline ENDS and where the rest of the stuff in my binder (extra paper, second copy of the outline in case I need it, etc) begins.
AEK
Lynnet, good luck with your trial!
I disagree that federal court requires skirt suit only. Really, strongly disagree. I’m in Chicago and practice in the Northern District, FWIW, and also began my career as federal clerk. Don’t sweat your outfits; put on your suit and go do your job. Make your impression by kicking a**.
Former MidLevel
Agreed – pant suits are find. And I know you’ll rock it, Lynnet!
Former MidLevel
Um….”fine.” I clearly have a bad case of Friday brain.
anon
federal court does now = skirt suit. I don’t think any lawyer at my firm even owns a skirt suit (DC).
Nervous Nellie
Do any of you have partners/managers that you work for who just make you nervous? I mean, nervous to the point you actually make mistakes and sabotage yourself as a result? I personally have one like this, who I made a big mistake for years ago, and I cannot get over it. Every time I work for him, I completely self-sabotage by making silly mistakes I would never normally make. And he just makes me nervous to the point where I sound dumb in conversation and just generally do not come off as my confident, secure self. Any suggestions on how to wipe the slate clean or get my head back in the right space?
michelle
I find grabbing the bull by the horns, so to speak, is the best way for me to manage this. In similar situations, I have invited the person to lunch and asked them directly for feedback. I have found it really cleared the air and laid the foundation for a better relationship. If the mistakes are recent/evident/signficant, might be best to acknowledge them up front along with what steps you’re taking to alleviate them. If however it was a rookie error years ago, it might loom larger to you than it does to him, in which case best to actively listen, respectfully acknowlege the feedback/criticism, and enlist help in how to do better. You might make a mentor or at least earn some respect, and you’ll have taken some of the power back in your own mind.
SoCalAtty
OMG yes! I am such a perfectionist. I haven’t found a good way to deal with this yet, but I think directly asking for feedback helps. One tip someone gave (I think it was here, actually) was that you should make it about the product – whatever it is – and less about you personally. Accept that it is a process of editing and going back and forth and you’ll feel better about this. That being said, I totally stress out as well and have not yet put this nerve issue to bed.
Maddie
Yes; this just happened to me now, in fact (with a midlevel associate; I am an incompetent junior). But I am getting over it by thinking (1) I don’t actually like her or think she is a good manager, so I shouldn’t feel too bad/our crappy relationship isn’t exclusively my fault; (2) the more I try to interact with her, the more times I will do so successfully; and (3) this job is not my life. Also, I think she doesn’t hate me so much as think nothing of me, so she will probably not be cringing for as long as I am. I don’t think we’re on a wrong foot, though; we’re just really different, and she is a bad manager in general (coworkers have warned me about her). So I don’t plan to “clear the air” and work happily ever after together.
Appealing Lawyer
Any advice for how to style this jacket? I feel like the black t=shirt and black pants shown is so blah (link to follow):
Appealing Lawyer
Gah! Just noticed my “reply” never posted.
Here is the link to the jacket.
Appealing Lawyer
http://www.lastcall.com/store/catalog/prod.jhtml?itemId=prod8550189&eItemId=prod8550189&cmCat=search&searchType=GUIDED&parentId=cat000001&icid=&rte=%252Fstore%252Fcatalog%252Ftemplates%252FP4E.jhtml%253FNo%253D72%2526parentId%253Dcat000001%2526itemId%253Dcat000001%2526N%253D4294967142%252B4294967283%252B344%2526menuPath%253Dcat000000_cat000001
Nonny
Just dropping by to say….
IT’S MY LAST FRIDAY AT THIS JOB!!!! WOOHOO!!!!
Rose in Bloom
Congratulations!
CA Atty
Geez, it’s thunderdome out on the freeways around here today. Massive accident on a major bridge in the bay are (92, the San Mateo bridge) shutting the whole thing down, the Yolo Causeway shut down due to apparently a robbery suspect that was surprised in the act who fired shots and has now jacked not one but two cars. I’ve heard of several minor accidents that just stop traffic for a little while on 580 and 680…apparently driving on 4/20 is a MISTAKE!
mamabear
Right? I broke down and took BART.
(I hate BART)
CA Atty
They’re now reporting that they’re going to go through each and every car stuck on the freeway before releasing any of them. Hundreds of cars. Hundreds of civil rights violations?
Apparently one guy has already flipped out about being stuck and was placed on a 5150 hold. Also, the Sacramento airport is reporting that approximately 100 people have missed their flights this morning, which they attribute to the traffic situation.
What do you hate about BART? I wish it came up far enough North to reach me! I would love to spend a 1/2 hour sitting on a train reading each day than 20 minutes braving the morons on the freeway.
not quite
If there’s an armed robbery suspect in the cordoned off area, looking into cars for the suspect does not violate civil rights.
CA Atty
I’m sure you’re right, but it’s not a cordoned off area (except by nature, I suppose), they have already had reports the guy has fled the area (carjacking #2) and I would certainly be pissed if the CHP wanted to go through MY trunk (and saw my terrible diet coke habit!) after detaining me for 3 hours on a freeway with no shade, no bathroom, and nowhere to go.
mamabear
>What do you hate about BART?
I hate being pushed and shoved on crowded trains. I hate the guys who bring their bikes on and shove them into my shins. I have space issues. :)
CA Atty
Yeah, that’s true. I don’t think I’ve actually really ridden BART at “rush hour” times. I used to commute from Davis into Oakland, but discovered it was easier and quicker to take the Capital Corridor all the way around the Jack London square then walk to the courthouse rather than switching to BART at Richmond(? I think that was the stop). So I rode it then at least a few times but it was pretty early.
Blonde Lawyer
Does 5150 hold get you somewhere with food, water and a bathroom? I’d take it!
CA Atty
Good point! You might be forcibly medicated and put into a straight jacket (I actually don’t know if they still use those but I like the mental image!) but at least you’d be off the freeway!
The pics and texts from the scene (local media) are priceless. One guy, four hours ago, tweeted that he’s been stuck in traffic for 15 minutes. He’s still there. Someone else was heading up to Squaw…he’s still there too.
TCFKAG
Holy crap that sounds like a sh*tshow. I’d just camp out at work and then go out to dinner and a movie and then nap.
Gunrock
No kidding. I was going up to Davis tonight for Picnic Day tomorrow, and have friends who took a day off work to go to Picnic Day early. Plus the accidents on 92. Terrible day to drive in the Bay.
CA Atty
OMG I love this story so much I would totally put a ring on it.
They now think the suspect, after crashing his first stolen car, hijacked (tractorjacked?) a tractor and hotwired it to get away, then carjacked one of those folks who is always out birdwatching in that area! HOTWIRED a TRACTOR to escape.
Blonde Lawyer
When I was a juvie corrections officer a kid escaped the facility and stole a city snow plow that he used to plow away the spike strips the police had dropped to stop him.
CA Atty
That kid is awesome. I used to work with a lot of JCOs and they had some stories!
Emma
This was marked down for clearance at my Old Navy for $7.50…so if you like it check in your local store!