Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report:

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Maybe it’s because Target is one of the few brick-and-mortar stores I’ve been going to these days, but I’ve been really impressed by some of the clothes I’ve seen there recently. I’ve always been a fan of Target’s basics – tank tops, t-shirts, leggings — but this blouse goes way beyond basic. I love the ruffled neck and feminine print.

For the next few weeks, I would really lean into the fall color palette and wear this with burgundy or burnt orange bottoms. After that, I think it would look beautiful with a gray or navy suit.

The shirt is $27.99 and available in sizes 0X–3X. It also comes in a pretty navy floral print. Long Sleeve Ruffle Blouse

An option at Target in straight sizes is this blouse that comes in a teal floral and gray floral and is $24.99. 

Sales of note for 2/7/25:

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
  • J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+

Sales of note for 2/7/25:

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
  • J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

410 Comments

  1. My anxiety has been under control for a long time (of course with minor flare ups but nothing major). The past few weeks it’s been back with a vengeance. I’m not going to have a chance to find a therapist in the near future so looking for what non therapy / non medication things have helped the hive.if it’s still bad once I’m able to go to therapy/talk to a doctor about medication I will absolutely do that, it’s just not an option for the next several weeks.

    1. Ugh I feel you. I’ve been practicing a lot of mindfulness techniques on a regular basis to try and manage – yoga, meditation, and exercise (usually walks) in the sunshine. But in the heat of the moment when I can feel things spiraling, the most helpful has been breathing exercises. It helps distract me from the anxiety and focus on something else and be present.

    2. Massage therapy, yoga, lots of exercise and reading to keep my mind and body busy so I can’t spiral.

      1. Keeping busy definitely helps, unfortunately my anxiety spirals all are happening at 4am. It feels more like my hangxiety than my regular anxiety, even if I haven’t been drinking

        1. This may not work if you are also depressed but I find wearing myself out with exercise or house cleaning helps with the 3 a.m. roiling brain.

        2. In the middle of the night I like to read an interesting but dry history book to help me to sleep. I’ve been working on Sister Queens for months. It’s a great book, but it also bores me back to sleep in about 3 pages.

        3. That’s why I need all the exercise. My physical exhaustion level has to be high in order to fall asleep and stay asleep. Eyemask also helps.

          If I do wake up, an audio book of something I’ve read a million times before like Jane Austen helps.

          1. And when I do wake up with the anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach, I tell myself, “Oh, that’s that anxiety thing I get in the pit of my stomach at 4 a.m. Ugh I hate it but it’ll be gone in the morning.” And then I read my book on my Kindle for a while.

            Somehow naming it seems to help.

        4. Like the audiobook suggestion, I have recently been having good luck listening to podcasts. Trick is to put it on right when I wake up in the middle of the night, not once I’m already in the anxiety death spiral. I put it on a 10 minute sleep timer and try to pay attention and at least 50% of the time I’m asleep before it shuts off. I mean, I might have to do this 2-3x per night but it’s better than the previous lying awake phenomenon.

        5. Have you ever tried ASMR? There are a few YouTube artists who I find particularly soothing. When I have a migraine I can’t look at screens/read, but the noise helps distract me from the pain, and having someone whisper reassuring comments about taking time for yourself, relaxation being important (or whatever role playing exercise appeals to you) all knock me out like a light. Even if I don’t ‘sleep’ they definitely allow my brain to turn off.

    3. I’ve been taking an outdoor break every day at work. I have an audiobook going (fiction), and walk around listening to it. Stretching several times a day. Using my self-massage tools (theracane and lacrosse ball). Using Tiger Balm on tense muscles (any type of Icy Hot product is similar). Volunteering for voter access but strictly limiting news intake. Meditation for 20+ minutes–shorter periods don’t help as much for me.

    4. I’m right there with you. My plan for this weekend is to spend as much time outdoors as possible and to be very active. I also need to pick up a good fiction book again, as a form of escapism.

    5. – take warm baths with lavender bath salts
      – listen to guided meditations
      – no alcohol
      – if you are religious, read the compline service from the book of common prayer before bed
      – soothing music

      1. Except maybe don’t read the compline for Tuesdays. I’m not sure if all of them are the same, but the Catholic Tuesday compline is super dark and depressing.

        1. The book of common prayer one is only one service, there’s not different ones for different days. It’s soothing every time. :)

    6. I know I’m not answering the question you asked but since I had personal experience with your situation, I wanted to throw it out there. Pre-pandemic I emailed my PCP to say my depression was getting worse and I thought it was time to finally discuss an antidepressant. I thought she’d say come in in a few weeks. Instead, they told me to come in that day. It was a 20 min appt, max. Right, now I’m pretty sure they would agree to do such an appointment via telehealth.

      So, in the event the time crunch isn’t just due to your schedule but how long you think it will take to get in, I’d recommend reaching out. Your doc might surprise you. They might even call something in without seeing you to hold you over until you can come in.

      Getting outside and playing with dogs reduces my anxiety. CBD oil has also helped take the edge off a little but was no substitute for rx meds. If you are having trouble sleeping due to your anxiety, try OTC stuff like benadryl or unisom. While it is counter-intuitive, if your sleep is disrupted, avoid alcohol. It makes that worse.

    7. I turn on standup comedy, even if it’s a routine I’ve heard a million times. Super soothing and if my mind drifts for a minute, it’s easy to force to pay attention to the next joke.

    8. Early to bed. Every night. I find my anxiety is MUCH worse late at night so I am, nine nights out of ten, tucked up with a cup of chamomile tea by 9.30.

    9. This may not help with your 4 am flares, but I’ve been trying to take 5 min every morning and set intentions for the day. Really simple stuff like “I will be calm” and “I will avoid distractions” and “I will be present.” It’s not 100% but it at least helps me start the day feeling in control of my anxiety vs the opposite. I haven’t tried using the Calm app or similar, but I know others on this s!te have done so with good results.
      I really hope you start feeling better soon.

      1. Came back to add – you can find the CBT “worksheets” online. They can help with reframing and managing the cognitive distortions that might contribute to your spirals.

    10. Hi, I also have anxiety and I recently read in a psychotherapy/neuroscience book that beyond counseling and medication, the following can also help: an hour a day of exercise that gets your heart rate up, a nutritious diet (heavy on veg and fruit), a good sleep schedule, and a meditation practice focusing on mindfulness. I was really resistant to trying meditation but have actually found it helpful. I am working on getting the other things in order. It’s also perhaps helpful to realize that lots of things about our lives right now are very anxiety producing, so our anxiety is a natural response to our situations and maybe even completely appropriate. This recognition doesn’t make the anxiety go away but may help diminish the sense that the anxiety is ‘bad.’ I think in general that can make it a little easier to deal with (at least to the extent the anxious part of me doesn’t feel ignored or disrespected by the other parts).

    11. Broad spectrum CBD oil has been helping me. My anxiety is worse during the day so I take it in the morning, but you could try it at night or even just as needed when you wake up in the wee hours.

      1. I have been curious about trying CBD oil. Where do you buy it and is there a certain dosage etc that you recommend?

    12. I found a therapist at a local graduate program. It was all online (zoom). The intake process was slow, like weeks between the initial phone call, but maybe they’re better at it now. The pricing had a sliding scale, and you could chose the level of therapist you wanted (student to professor). I was very satisfied with the whole thing.

  2. I know there are tax implications for working remotely in another state, but which taxes? I am considering renting a home for a month this winter in a warmer state with no income taxes. Are there other taxes to take into consideration?

    1. One month isn’t an issue, you will still pay the same taxes that you pay now. You aren’t changing your residency. The concern comes up when you live in one state and work in another for X number of days. For example, if you live in one state but work X number of days — usually around 180 in another state, the second state will tax your income. It’s then up to you to find out if the states have reciprocal agreements to see if you can get any money back. The same if you move — both states may try to tax your income and see what sticks.

      1. Depends on the state. Maine taxes you starting at 1 day, and I believe there are others that are similar, if not as bad.

      2. +1. Renting a house in Florida (I assume) for one month is not going to make a difference with respect to your taxes.

    2. Every state has different rules about how many days you can work in their state before you are taxed on the income you earned while in that state. You’d have to look up the rules specific to the state you’re traveling to.

    3. I think it’s just state income taxes. I’ve consulted in another state for several months. Luckily we had a reciprocal agreement but it was working over 30 days. So, I don’t think a one month vacation would likely affect anything.

      1. Dad says generally the state income tax where you are living, but also you can NOT forget that you may have license registration taxes in some states for your car if it’s there for over a period of time. My roomate’s boyfreiend stayed over with her in her room for over a month in DC, and he had out of state license plates, so when the local traffic cops saw his car parked in Virginia 24/7 continuously for over a month, he got a summons saying he had not registered the car, and they taxed him $150 for that! He had no defense, since he had effectively moved in with us for a month! It probably would have been smarter to pay a local garage in DC for a month of parking and not have that bad mark on his record.

    4. Thank you for the comments everyone! I just wanted to make sure I was researching the right things. It will likely be Florida.

      1. Those are the implications to you. There may be other implications for your employer. For example, your employer likely pays unemployment and/or workers’ comp insurance to the state. There may be other things, but I would be surprised if any of them came into play if you’re only there for 1 month.

  3. I have short (above the shoulders but longer than the chin) wavy hair that does not look great as is. I think I’d like to experiment with the curly girl method.

    I did a bit of googling and it looks like there’s a few different approaches. My hair is 2a/2b, depending on the day. My hair is fine but there’s a lot of it, this means it looks thick but gets very greasy very easily. I workout several days a week and bike to work so I definitely need to wash it, otherwise it smells from the sweat.

    Looking for product (ideally drugstore or Sephora brand type price point) and technique recs for starting the curly girl method

    1. Similar hair to you and I can’t do “strict” curly girl method as I also work out a lot (I know I know, but my curls are always going to be washed). I took the downtime to experiment a bit with my products. After years of Deva and all the others, i’m in love with Cantu for both shower and stylers. I use their CoWash most days with a deep clean by R+co on the weekends. I use the R+Co conditioner as well. Honestly- its so much better for my pocketbook and my curls. If you are just starting check out Manes by Mell on youtube. She’s amazing.

    2. I started off in July with a very simple routine:
      Final wash: VO5 kiwi shampoo
      Conditioner: VO5 Strawberries & Cream conditioner. Add in conditioner with your hair upside down and “squish” it to condition it, and while you are rinsing it out
      Gel: LA Looks blue gel. I think styling makes the biggest difference. I will use “prayer hands” to add gel to my hair (while upside down and it’s soaking wet) and then squish with a micro towel or tshirt. Do NOT use a regular towel. You can either plop (tie your hair up in a tshirt or microtowel) or microplop (squish your hair to get the water out) but it’ll take some time to figure out what works for you.

      I would try this method for a few weeks before adding in new products. I tried different gels, added a curl activator (uncle funky’s daughter curly magic), a clarifying shampoo (use sparingly like once a month, to get rid of any buildup from products – Trader Joe’s tea tree shampoo), and a deep conditioner (use once a week, I use garnier fructis one minute mask). Only add one new product at a time so you can figure out how your hair reacts to it. Also figuring out your porosity is more important than your curl type.

    3. There’s a Reddit, of course, and they have a sticky right at the top of the forum, with very clear instructions and product suggestions. I think it’s “curlyhair”

      1. I used this resource as well when moving to embrace my 2B hair. Make sure you do the step of the clarifying shampoo before starting CG products. Otherwise your hair will look greasy faster.
        I now use Shea Moisture (the pink one— coconut hibiscus I think) shampoo and conditioner every other day or so. I use their hydrating curling gel on days I shampoo. It’s taken some trial and error but I’m pretty happy with how my hair looks now with very little effort.

    4. Have you tried a cleansing conditioner? I like the one by RenPure. You can buy it at CVS for like $9.

    5. I have similar hair that is growing out (no professional haircut since March — just a couple trims on my own), so I have had to let it be more natural since the cut is no longer anywhere near straight. I wash my hair every morning. I use Moroccan oil curl shampoo and condition, as well as amika Curl Corps Defining Cream. I just scrunch the amika in all over and let my hair dry. Super easy then I use a curling iron to clean up a couple curls near my face…

    6. I have type 2b hair. It’s long but has been a similar length to yours in the past (and will probably cut it back to that soon). I wash my hair every other day.
      I used to use DevaCurl, but had issues with hair loss and found out that it was possibly caused by that, so immediately stopped using. I’ve tried a few options since then, and have found I really like the Not Your Mother’s line. I use the naturals shampoo and conditioner (pink bottles) and the regular line curl defining cream and curl gel.
      I wash and condition my hair like normal but try to scrub my scalp especially well. When I get out of the shower, I flip my head upside down and apply curl cream and then gel, both using “prayer hands” and then scrunching. I then use a microfiber towel turban for as long as I can, the longer the better.

    7. I have similar hair to you – 2a-b, fine, with lots of it, and I get very sweaty.
      I am using:
      – a gentle shampoo – currently one by Faith In Nature which I think is UK only
      – a moisturising conditioner – currently the Body Shop banana one

      Just added in the step of combing it through with a wide comb while the conditioner is on and adding in a hair styling mousse – using the Aussie Formula Turn Up The Curl one – and it is making my hair look really good. Haven’t managed to make the curls look good on day 2 yet, though – need to try plaiting/braiding it overnight so that it doesn’t tangle while I sleep, because I keep just brushing it out and then the curls are flattened and look horrible.

    8. I am 2C/3A and when I started curly girl, I bought the entire Not Your Mother’s Curl Talk line. Here’s what I would do:

      Wash Days
      – Apply Curl Talk Shampoo and wash with an exfoliating shampoo brush I got off Amazon for like $7.
      – Bend at the waist so my hair is in front of my face and apply Curl Talk Conditioner. Then, squish to condish. I cup the water from the shower in my hands and squish it into my hair until I feel good about my curl clumps.
      – Get out of the shower. Use microfiber towel to remove excess water.
      – Bend at the waist again and apply Curl Talk Defining Cream and then Curl Talk Gel with prayer hands.
      – Scrunch the crap out of my hair with these products in.
      – Diffuse hair on cool and low until dry. I don’t do this upside down, but some people do.
      – Scrunch out the crunch from the gel with a little bit of The Ordinary’s Marula Oil.

      Hope this helps! These products are not expensive.

    9. I’d recommend a curly girl friendly cleansing conditioner since you need to wash it decently often. I like As I Am cleansing conditioner. You put it on your hair, agitate it at your scalp and kind of rub your hair between your palm to agitate it and rinse it out. My hair has never been softer. It usually gets my hair squeaky clean, but I do a clarifying shampoo (maybe once every month or so) without sulfates since I use so many other products for styling.

      Another line of products that I love that is curly girl method friendly is Giovanni’s. It is fantastic for curly girl and sold at Whole Food’s and Target, as well as online. Their leave in conditioner and styling mousse was a game changer for me.

      1. I love the smell of the Giovanni’s but I found it very drying on my hair, which got quite frizzy using it.

    10. Similar situation and following! I also use a wide toothed comb in the shower with conditioner (L’Oréal ever curl or VO5 strawberry for me). Teeny tiny claw clips placed after styling gel/honey butter (but still wet) to get a few pieces strategically off my face. Good luck!

  4. Let’s play an October game… if you could ban any one candy, which would it be and why? (Personal stories, hatred or anger about something at ridiculous levels, silliness, and the like are all welcome and encouraged!)

      1. I loved Three Musketeers as a kid, and I don’t now understand why. Like, I was OBSESSED.

        1. I love 3 Muskateers! They say it is fluffy, not stuffy, but I know it goes right to my belly and tuchus, so I would ban it in order for all of us to stay svelte!

      1. Or perhaps worse, those candy corn pumpkins… blech. Just thinking of eating those makes my stomach clench up.

    1. Tootsie Rolls and black licorice. And raisins!!

      As a kid I loved getting gum, bags of chips, peanut butter cups, Snickers and the occasional can of pop.

      1. I will take all of those! Especially the black licorice. And I was the weird kid who quite enjoyed getting my own little box of raisins.

        1. I liked getting the little boxes of raisins and miniature granola bars because my mom wouldn’t ordinarily buy those, and it was fun to pack them in my school lunches. The “healthy” treats also didn’t count towards my mom’s limits on candy.

    2. Fruit flavored tootsie rolls, I swear they’re made out of colored wax, SO gross.
      Also – I will happily take everyone else’s black licorice. Somehow my mom, FIL, myself, AND my son all like it so now we buy a separate package of JUST black licorice for Easter so everyone gets some :)

      1. That, and Liquorice Allsorts. If ever the time comes when I don’t have to worry about my weigh, teeth, or skin, I’ll just have a bag a day. And yes, I did recently see the headline about the man who died after eating licorice every day, but wasn’t interested enough to click on it.

        Licorice -> any chocolate.

        1. I literally cannot buy good and plenty more than a few times a year because I will (and have) eaten the entire box in one go. The crispy shell with the licorice inside? Heaven.

        2. I love real licorice, though I don’t like the flavor of anise. Licorice can lower potassium, so enough could kill anyone; I enjoy licorice tea, but I do keep that in mind!

      2. I hate black licorice and my husband loves it. I tease him that I will feed him ALL of it, then a few days ago there was that news bit of the guy who died from eating too much. Yikes!

          1. I love both of those.

            Clearly, I’d clean up if I went trick or treating with any of you, as I seem to love all the most hated candies.

    3. Reese’s cups. Yup. Come at me! :) It’s like bad too sweet chocolate with bad too sweet peanut butter. Blegh!

        1. Oh yes, I have a tub of those in my kitchen that I am putting off opening because once I do, I’ll finish them way too fast.

      1. You are my people! I don’t like chocolate and peanut butter and Reese’s is the worst offender for their awful chocolate. I’ve only come around to Snickers as an adult.

        1. YES. I am not a fan of chocolate + PB either, but it’s like “okay but not my fave choice” most of the time…unless it’s Reese’s which is horrific.

    4. Butterfingers! Undoubtedly invented by a dentist to increase revenues. You can’t even bite into them when they’re fresh! They get impacted in your teeth with even the most careful chewing.

      1. Those and the candy spray that you spray right into your mouth. It’s horrifying.

      2. OMG! I so wanted to try these when I was a kid and my mother would NEVER buy them for me. I promised myself I would try them as soon as I went to college… they were the most disgusting thing ever!

    5. Candy dots. They taste like soap, are awkward to eat, and mimic dropping acid. Not something kids should have access to.

  5. Helping someone pick out a dishwasher and looking for recommendations. Must be smaller to fit their existing space. The more power, the better (they are replacing because current machine is more of a sanitizer than washer as items come out with soap and food particles still stuck on dishes and silverware). Needs to be a work horse. Budget is tight but better to spend a bit for something that works great than be penny wise, pound foolish.

    1. Having replaced a lot of appliances in existing space, figure out the specs and work backward by evaluating what’s even available. If it’s a small space, the options are going to be limited as appliances have gotten bigger over the years.

    2. We have a Bosch with the utensil tray at the top and it is great. It’s a small model because we’re in the UK (and it goes in the spot where our washing machine would normally go). I think they are more expensive in the US than here, but my parents bought a Bosch at Home Depot on sale.

      1. Counterpoint: I have a Bosch and hate it and wish I had my KitchenAid back. Was talking to a friend the other night and she agrees. Maybe they’re different in the UK.

    3. We have a small, three-drawer Miele and adore it for our tiny kitchen. When we use “regular size” dishwashers now we are astounded at how little actually fits in them thanks to less-efficient layout!

      1. Do you know which model you have? Not OP but we are looking at a Miele. I just want one that can accommodate all our different types of tupperware containers easily.

    4. Once you figure out what fits the space, you might need to call around and see if any are even available right now. We were toying with the idea of replacing our ancient but not yet dead dishwasher this fall only to learn that there are basically zero dishwashers in stock or even available for a backorder/waitlist in our entire tri-county area. Maybe a sketchy used one on Craigslist, or a high end model that costs more than my car, but nothing in the normal range.

    5. Our house came with a Maytag dishwasher, and it is a workhorse. I don’t even have to rinse plates, and it gets everything clean, every time. It’s also very quiet. The only downside is the regular wash takes a long time (about 3 hours for a full cycle). There is a quick wash setting, but then the dishwasher functions more as a sanitizer than a washer.

    6. I’ve posted this a number of times. After replacing my dishwasher twice due to needed repairs that would be more than the dishwasher was worse, I asked my repairman (who was like family at this point) which brands were the most long lasting and reliable. He said KitchenAid. So we got a KitchenAid dishwasher and haven’t seen him since! Miss you, Jorge!

      1. +1 We replaced a new GE dishwasher in our new home with a KitchenAid. My absolute favorite

    7. Not about a brand, but make sure the filter is easily accessible for changing. Ours isn’t (GE Profile), and now something’s caught in it and it smells vile, so I’m going to have to take the thing apart to clean it. Thank God for YouTube instructional videos.

  6. Realizing that some state governors are handling covid worse than others which makes living in such states more likely to mean longer lockdowns and higher risk. As a result, I am considering moving to a state with a governor who is handling things better, taking it more seriously, etc. I’m wondering if this is logical or if this is me being silly in trying to control an uncontrollable situation. I think I may be too close to tell.

    1. Well, you’ve included literally none of the information you should be considering in making this decision. What’s your support network like in each location? Do you have a job? Can you find one? Are you currently allowed to work from home? Do you desire to move aside from this?

      Personally, I am glad I live in NJ and feel like my governor is handling things well, but I don’t know that I’d rush to move here. To me, the real issue is whether you can keep yourself safe, and that’s more to do with your ability to work from home than any government order

    2. IDK — people thought NY was good, now it looks like Cuomo has gone to war with the more strict branches of Judiaism. And don’t even get me started on DeBlasio.

      ILL is about to push through a huge new tax b/c they are bad at dealing with the math of underfunded pension liabilities and thought kicking the can down the road was a strategy.

      CA? Wildfire problem. SF/LA city unwillingness to deal with mentally ill drug-abusing homeless populations out of control.

      IDK. I’d go to the wilderness somewhere for a season and see how the world looks. After coronavirus, states and cities will still have big problems and they weren’t really good at dealing with them before. They will do worse now that budgets are tightening.

      1. I missed the story about going to war with strict Judaism. What’s that about?

        OP – what are the chances of the governor changing during the election? I’m in NH and our republican governor has been doing a pretty good job and the democratic candidate also seems to have a good plan so I’m pretty comfortable regardless of who wins. However, that’s probably not the case in most states. And as other people have mentioned many times over, northern New England is not at all diverse, outside of the cities. You have to consider stuff like that when you consider moving too.

        1. Ultra orthodox Jewish communities are flagrantly violating the rules about large gatherings and social distancing. Cuomo doesn’t want them spreading COVID. Apparently to OP that’s a “war” on Judaism.

          1. I get that you can spot the ultra orthodox by their appearance, but he seems to be running up very close to what the first amendment says you can’t do. I’m fine policing conduct. I’m not OK with going after zip codes with a lot of ultra orthodox just because some people don’t follow the rules. It’s like DeBlasio talking about “the jews” — you don’t need to do that and yet you did that. Very cringy. I expect better from politicians in the most diverse city in the US.

        2. He’s not at war with Judaism. Honestly, where do you get this stuff? He’s imposing stricter lockdowns in and around zip codes with high positive rates, which also have sizable orthodox populations, who are opposed to lockdown measures.

          Remember the poster who characterized anti-covid folks as “mah rights” people, mocking a sourthern accent? We have them here too folks.

          1. Yes, the two things are connected- these zip codes have higher covid rates in part because of the large ultra-orthodox populations who have been flagrantly violating covid regulations. Therefore, yes, enforcing those regulations and reversing reopening does in fact disproportionately impact those ultra-orthodox populations. But that’s because they were breaking the rules in the first place (causing their cases to go up). I see this as a worrisome story, preview of what will happen in many states if governments try to slow or reverse reopenings, but as a Jewish person I refuse to see this as a “war against the jews.”

          2. I live in an orange zone, on the edge of Borough Park, and my son’s public school just got shut down. They are not targeting Orthodox neighborhoods at random. There are zero restrictions in Williamsburg, which has a large Hasidic population. The shutdowns in the Rockaways and Bensonhurst also have little to do with Orthodox neighborhoods.

      2. It’s not about Judaism, it’s about gatherings in violation of the health ordinance. We have two problems in my area, a subset of Christian groups that insist that they gather to worship in person, and a bunch of bikers who want to drink and fight in person.

        1. I think that if the bikers were smart, they’d become a church.

          And of course bikers want to fight in person — can’t see them taking their beefs to Zoom.

      3. I’ll never get over what Cuomo did with the nursing homes. I think you shouldn’t be able to come back from mistakes like that. I think a good person wouldn’t even WANT to hold a position of responsibility again after failing that badly.

        1. I think that’s been debunked. Most deaths were before or not caused by returning residents. (Some who live there and would otherwise have been homeless. How do you bar someone from returning to their home after hospital discharge?)

          1. No, the policy was wrong, we knew better at the time, and the capacity crisis that might raise issues of where else people could go didn’t end up happening. Of course they are trying to say there’s nothing to see here.

      4. Massachusetts. Good data, problematic start, but going well now. Liberal state with Republican (sane) Governor as balance to liberal state house. Good schools, beaches, mountains to the north, good airport, bad traffic.

    3. I don’t know, but I’ve definitely never missed living in Vermont more than I do now.

    4. I think how states are handling Covid is a great indicator of how they handle other matters as well. Our governor who has been doing his best on Covid is also out apologizing for and trying to fix slowness in processing unemployment claims. In comparison the leadership in Florida seems proud of how hard they have made it to apply.

    5. I would not advise this. Both the Covid situation and who holds the governor’s office are too fluid to pin such a big decision on. I think it would be more reasonable if you a) had other good reasons to move to this place, or b) shot for simply living in a less populated area rather than tying it to the governor of the state. Rural areas will probably always tend to be lower risk.

      1. Exactly this. All it takes is electing a new governor, and then you’ve moved for no reason.

        1. +1

          Nothing is permanent or guaranteed. My governor has been pretty strict but he’s also being sued over his strictness so it’s possible that his restrictions won’t even be possible in the future

          I do not love living in a purple state

          1. I am in a purple state and I feel that whether the governor is R or D, they are pretty centrist, so relatively fungible as far as I can tell. There is some bluster, but largely the state seems to function and not be newsworthy, which is a pretty big accomplishment. I think we as a state are liberal socially generally but run a tighter fiscal ship which IMO is the right answer. Like if my preferred candidates don’t win, I am OK with the other guy.

            Also, in some states, you elect every dang person. In come, you just vote for the governor. IMO my state could let the governor appoint more people b/c I truly do not need to weigh in on Agriculture Commissioner, given the state of my hard (perhaps I should be disenfranchised on this office actually). But whatevs.

          2. Anon at 9:50 here – I’m in PA and the whole “philadelphia and Pittsburgh with Alabama in between” is very real. I’ve lived most of my life in those cities and I think Gov Wolf’s mandates are great but Pennsyltucky disagrees…

            We also vote for everything and it’s so weird to me … why in the world should coroner be an elected position?

          3. Penn person: that is straight-out loco. How exactly do people campaign for coroner???

          4. PA person here – I’m not sure since I live in Philly and we have a medical examiner rather than a coroner but the suburban counties where I grew up/my parents live (and I assume the rest of the state) vote for their coroner. Anyone can run for coroner, you don’t need any medical background

            We also vote for sheriffs, judges, and lots of random administrative positions like register of wills.

            I could be wrong but I believe that it’s related to being a commonwealth. I know that being a commonwealth, as many government functions as possible are pushed down to as local a level as possible

          5. Ugh yes on voting for every single thing. Why am I electing the Soil and Water Conservation District Supervisor, North Carolina? Why?

      2. Is it true that rural areas are lower risk? Here in GA, the red counties on the map have been disproportionately rural counties throughout the pandemic.

        1. It’s probably hard to make such a general assessment. Rural could mean that people don’t use public transport and there are fewer indoor gathering spaces like gyms or bars, which is safer. Rural could mean people largely believe the president that this is ‘like the flu’ and they refuse to wear masks or physically distance, and maybe also healthcare facilities have lower capacity. Those things would make it less safe.

    6. I think you’re being silly. Is there an example of a state where a governments’ actions have resulted in a shorter lockdown by taking covid seriously? It seems to me like the options are:
      A. Take it seriously: lengthy lockdowns, even when numbers are low.
      B. Don’t take it seriously: no/minimal lockdowns even when numbers are climbing.

      Some places have low rates, but I’m not sure anyone did a brief “serious” lockdown and controlled the virus. I’m here in NY and while I’m somewhat confident our government acted reasonably, the lockdowns never really went away and they are about to get more intense again.

      1. I am with you here — IDK if some states “got it right” more than they got lucky. Lucky can be “not NYC or Seattle,” or “not a lot of transit commuters” or “our nursing homes are pretty diffuse and the workers car commute and don’t go from home to home during the day” at first. Also: car commuting + SFH population (or even trailers in rural areas) vs transit commuters + high rises + multi-generational crowded living. I honestly think that any politician who thinks she/he got it right is probably just someone who so far has been lucky.

        [It’s the same with people I know who travelled a lot this summer, ate inside, visited friends, threw big parties, and didn’t really mask — they aren’t “doing it right” but are just really lucky.]

      2. The places that did ‘go hard, go early’ have basically gotten rid of covid entirely (New Zealand-https://www.nytimes.com/2020/10/07/world/australia/new-zealand-coronavirus.html ) or only non-community spread very small case numbers (Atlantic Canada https://www.theglobeandmail.com/canada/article-the-atlantic-bubble-has-largely-succeeded-in-keeping-out-covid-1/).

        Life is pretty much normal in these places with some masking. In order to more fully end lockdowns, you need to lockdown hard and fast before you have community spread – once you have community spread it becomes a series of rolling lockdowns with stricter and less strict measures depending on how bad it is at any particular time.

        NYC is not a good comparator because it lockdown much more slowly and way too late. If you catch it early, you can control the spread but the US is pretty much well past that now so it will have to be

        1. NYC is also a border city, so whatever NYC and NY State do, people come in every day from NJ and CT, some even from PA. Lots of train links, airports, bus commuters, etc. Too many elevators. NZ is not that dense and is geographically isolated. Ditto Atlantic Canada (or Canada generally — outside of some big cities, there is not a lot there). The US equivalent would be doing a lockdown of . . . Dubuque and then blowing up the roads to it.

          1. Yeah, that’s not how Canadian geography works. 80% of the country lives within 2 hours of the US border. Ontario and Quebec both have high levels (not US levels but high) because they did not enact the strict measures that Atlantic Canada put in place so those places are experiencing a second wave.

        2. You also have to be able to control your borders almost absolutely, because the second it gets back in, you’re back at day one. Other than Hawaii and maybe Alaska, there is no state or geographical area in the US that has anywhere near the ability (or will) to do that. So much of this “if, . . . then it will be over” stuff seems to me to be pure fantasy.

        3. Right, but my question was about US states, which the op was wondering about. There are no us states that meet this description.

          1. That was my point though. I don’t think any of the US states did a lockdown prior to community spread and once you reach that point, it ends up being a series of opening and closing because you can’t get it fully under control in the same way as if you intervene before community spread. But, there are regions of the US (part of some states), like that region in Canada that may not yet have community spread and could try those types of approaches.

          2. We are in agreement that the OP can’t find a US state that meets that description.

    7. I would not advise moving, but I’m happy with the way that MD has handled COVID. It could be better and there are somethings I wish were still closed to give schools a better chance at opening for in person instruction in elementary school, but things are largely under control.

      1. I think MD initially handled COVID well, but then the governor’s political ambitions caused him to push everything to the local jurisdictions, while taking potshots whenever he disapproves of the local decisions. And his stance on remote voting seems straight out of the voter suppression handbook. Not the worst, but I would never vote for him in the future (and I have supported him in the past).

        1. Same. I’ve never been a huge Hogan fan but I was initially impressed with how he handled the situation. More recently, he’s definitely trying to cover his political base rather than making good decisions for the state.

          And MD has its own way of calculating positivity rates that make the numbers look better than they actually are, but Hogan won’t admit to that.

    8. I wouldn’t make a decision based solely on this, but the COVID response is a window into how functional your state government is. I’d consider that along with how your government handles other critical issues, including everything from natural disasters to taxes to school financing, as part of your decision about where you want to live.

      1. Also, a lot of stuff in states is done locally, so majors and city counsels and county commissions matter. I’m not sure I’d live in CA, but not LA or SF. I might live some places in TX but not others. Ditto NC/VA.

    9. I mean, I’m in Michigan and thought Governor Whitmer did a great job early on to flatten the curve. Unfortunately some people in the state didn’t think so and were plotting to kidnap her.. in case you missed that.

    10. I don’t think you’re crazy to see how Texas or Florida are handling things (for example) and thinking somewhere like Washington State or Oregon seems safer.

    11. This is totally logical IMHO. I only want to live in a state where I can have reasonable confidence that they will protect my health and safety and my kids’ civil rights (should they end up needing protection). For me, personally bottom line safety protection issues are: COVID, climate change policy, gun control, and not living anywhere where trans kids are forced to be misgendered at school.

      1. It seems like you need to be in SF or Seattle then. Maybe Portland. Schools are a local (not fed or state) issue and if the school thing is that important, a municipality will matter to you more than a state. States or cities seeking to be very strict re guns are likely just to run up their litigation budgets on a losing case, which I as a taxpayer would not want to be funding (so I’d look for a mayor without grand political ambitions, basically NOT SF or LA). Not sure that city policies on climate change are anything but lip service, but I’m a cynic. I am not a believer in good government so much as I’ve tried to spot bad government and avoid (that that you can do much since so many of us have one-party rule, so it’s not like we have a real choice except for primary elections which don’t get the attention they need).

        1. We’re in DC but have lived in many “blue states.” I’m not looking for perfection, but there are states with “bathroom bills” which are cruel to trans kids IMHO, and many many states without them. There are places that are building storm surge barriers for sea level rise and places that aren’t. And, there are places that have mask wearing requirements and places that don’t. This isn’t finding precious few perfect places, just making sure we’re protected where we live.

      2. Since my state seems on the brink of civil war depending on what happens with the election, I’m kind of glad I can have a gun to defend my family — though ammo is sold out everywhere. I’m very concerned with what is going to happen with both the election and if Trump is deemed unable to continue as president medically.

        1. Serious question. Why do you think that you (and your family) would personally be targeted if there was violence following the election? I expect there to be some demonstrations and the like in my city in either case, but I plan to stay home and I don’t expect to feel unsafe. What’s going on where you live, or what have you heard that makes you feel personally unsafe?

    12. Come to Santa Clara County, CA! Our local public health officer coordinated with other area counties to institute our country’s first stay at home orders. She is really, really good.

      Our county is doing great with Covid numbers, especially the richer northern end of the county. There is a poorer agricultural area on the southern end that’s not doing as well as the northern end (though it’s a ton better than many US states).

      We have been dealing with wildfire smoke and housing is extremely expensive.

    13. No. But use it as an indicator for what you want where you live.

      Massachusetts? Charlie Baker did a great job. He is also (IMO) a great governor. So were Patrick and Romney.

      Connecticut? Lamont made good COVID decisions but on the whole a terrible governor. Malloy and Rell were also garbage. I grew up in CT and would not move back.

      Texas? If this is your first disagreement with Abbot then I’m a little confused!

      1. Lol! We moved away from Texas before COVID because it was NOT my first disagreement with Abbott, and his handling of COVID has reinforced just how wise that decision was. At the time, I was mostly just sick of having my reproductive freedoms constantly abridged and under siege. Thanks Abbott and other Texas Rs, I took my tax (paying and generating, since I am a business owner) dollars to a much more sensible blue state.

    14. One thing to consider – how is the state doing financially. I live in NYC and have some issues with Cuomo and more with DeBlasio, and especially can’t stand their inability to work together, but my bigger consider is the financial crisis that is looming for both the state and the city. We have spent a ton on fighting this disease, revenue is way down, and there are massive deficits. It is going to take a long time for us to dig out financially.

  7. My ability to buckle down and get work done has disappeared. I used to have a great work ethic and now I’m lazy and just don’t get work done (let alone quality work done). I’m sure I’m a little burnt out (work in govt and have worked on covid for months) , but I’m no longer working on those projects and I still can’t get work done.

    When you’re just terrible at getting things done, how do you force yourself to work? Trying the pomodoro method today but unsure how that’s working

    1. I have no advice but I’m in the same boat. Not motivated, don’t care about work, pushing back deadlines…ugh.

    2. Honestly, I think this might be the stage of the pandemic versus something you’re doing wrong. I’ve talked to multiple people this week who have said they are really struggling.

      1. +1 Commiseration. My focus and productivity has been terrible lately and a number of my colleagues report a similar struggle. It’s very anxiety-producing, particularly when billable hours are at play, but I still can’t seem to hit my stride.

      2. I think that that’s very possible. However, even though I’m not currently working on covid things, I’m working on equally pressing things so phoning it in isn’t an option (and will quite possibly be back on the covid work soon enough). I’m also fully in the office so my boss can literally look over and see me not working

      3. +1. Everyone is feeling worn out. My work has nothing to do with COVID (other than the COVID recovery response/ ‘build back better’) and yet we’re all tired.

    3. I try to imagine how I will feel after the thing I’m avoiding is done and focus on that. Then I promise myself I will just do PART of that thing and do it. Usually I feel so great, I keep going.

      1. If you’re able to discuss this with your boss, that might take some of the pressure off (and kind of ironically, help you be more productive).

        I kind of broke down a few weeks ago and told my manager that I was only working at like 25% of my normal productivity, and just saying that out loud helped me to get back to something a little more normal (say, 50% of my normal productivity). It helped in part because he was just like “YES, me too,” so ymmv.

    4. Right there with you. Pomodoro has helped some. Also, building specific breaks into my day — and longer ones than I’d normally take — have helped me stay productive overall.

      But also? I think this is just hard right now. My anxiety is sky high at the moment, which makes it really tough to buckle down and focus. Can you take a 1-2 days off to regroup? I’d bet burnout is at least part of the issue.

      1. I took two weeks off in august which was nice but not nearly as helpful as I thought it’d be.

        I might be able to take one day off this month but I know that November and December will be very busy for me and likely won’t be able to take much time off.

        If I do take time off – what do you recommend doing?

    5. What you need to do to get things done is make weekend plans. Evening plans might work too. If you’re going camping for a weekend and the deadline is on Monday, it’ll be done by Friday.

    6. Same here – really struggling to get anything done that doesn’t have an immediate deadline or consequences, even though I’m simultaneously stressed about how anxious I’m going to be in four-six weeks when Big Project That I Keep Avoiding is finally due. I’m trying to leverage that fear into making me work.

      Pomodoro method also helps. Taking time off feels counterintuitive, since I am already wasting so much time on regular days, but maybe it will refresh me a bit.

    7. I was like this for weeks and then I finally collapsed and had a week where I just could not get out of bed, then spent half the day crying on my couch (thankfully I’m WFH). I did a video visit with my GP and then a psychiatrist and after about a week and a half of meds, I’m back to like 80% of my normal. I’m not at my best (yet?) but I’m getting stuff done, both work and personal stuff. The breaking point for me was when I found it nearly impossible to get basic life things done — brushing teeth, taking out the garbage, etc.

    8. So appreciate this thread. This has been me, and I have been feeling so shitty about it. Don’t have an answer but appreciate the solidarity.

    9. So, so many people are feeling this way. You’re not lazy, you’re doing the best you can during a worldwide crisis and a national political meltdown. If you’ve been working on Covid projects it’s very likely that you are burnt out.
      Sometimes you’re going to have days where you send two emails and that’s it. And that’s okay! Any progress is still progress.
      Please be kind to yourself. Again, you’re not lazy. It is just really, really hard right now across the board.

    10. In the same boat! I think there are too many external stressers right now, covid, election, uncertainty on the future, etc. that it has everyone burned out and out of give-a-s…’s. I started tricking myself by watching tv while I work. Currently have criminal minds on my iphone next to my computer. It helps to have a little entertainment happening while i work.

    11. This may not work for you based on work requirements, but especially right now I find myself more productive at a time of day that doesn’t fit in the normal 9-5 window. I get a really good focused second wind around 7 p.m. Sometimes after doing nothing productive for hours I can suddenly snap into gear and start cranking out work in the 7-10 pm time frame. So I go with it and try not to be too harsh on myself for not getting as much done earlier in the day. It’s so hard though.

    12. Same. I keep telling myself to suck it up and get the work done, but haven’t been able to actually do it. It’s sort of a relief to know I’m not the only one.

  8. Does anyone have any good homemade granola recipes to share? Adult palette and kid palette and cranky tween palette versions are all OK, as long as it is more delicious than righteous. We are hiking / car camping a lot more now and this would be something to take along into the woods portioned into individual containers. And this is also our main way of socializing with others — out into the woods.

    Will I never not have sling chairs in my car again???

    1. Yes! The Cookie and Kate recipe is really tasty. I skip the seeds because my kids would revolt. But it’s very customizable, I feel!

      1. +1. This is my go to granola recipe. It produces a somewhat chunky granola, which so many other recipes don’t.

    2. This may be dumb, but why would one bother to make homemade granola when a bazillion flavors are available in every grocery store?

      1. Because homemade granola does not have the same resemblance to gravel that store-bought granola has.

        I like Marcus Samuelsson’s blueberry granola and the Gimme Some Oven chocolate granola. I prefer shredded coconut to flakes.

      2. Because grocery store granola is way more expensive, plastic waste, and often contains a ton of added sugar.
        OP, I use Deborah Madison’s recipe for granola from Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone. Line your baking sheet w/parchment so it doesn’t stick.

        1. I’m not a huge granola fan and have only made it once and kind of burned it but it was a million times better than anything store bought that I’ve ever had. And had less sugar and nothing that I didn’t already have in my pantry.

      3. I’m allergic to nuts and don’t eat chocolate, so my options were pretty slim! And it’s pretty easy to make!

    3. A trunk without camp chairs in it? I forgot that was actually a thing after 8 years of kiddo sports. Ha!

    4. Ok, this is a little late but hopefully you’ll see it. The #1 best granola ever is Nekisia Davis’s Olive Oil and Maple Granola. Look it up, recipe is on Food 52. It’s out of this world delicious.

    5. I was a club field hockey mom for 6 years. I finally took the sling chairs out of my car this summer. It feels so spacious in there now!

    6. Modified “Quick Granola” from America’s Test Kitchen (For Nut-free, I have successfully subbed a 2 c combo of pumpkin seeds, buckwheat groats, cocoa nibs, and sunflower seeds for the 2c of nuts.)

      1/3 cup maple syrup
      1/3 cup brown sugar
      4 tsp vanilla extract
      1tbsp cinnamon or pumpkin pie spice
      1/2 tsp kosher salt
      1/2 cup oil
      5 cups rolled oats
      2 cups raw almonds chopped coarsely
      (I also mix up pecans with the almonds)

      Mix and lay out on a parchment-lined cookie sheet. Smoosh down with a potato masher or spatula to encourage later clumping/sticking. Bake at 325 for 25 minutes, rotate halfway. Let cool for 1hour so it gets crisp, then break up into clumps.

      You can then mix in 2cups dried fruit and/or a few mini chocolate chips. It’s a forgiving recipe. The vanilla really helps with flavor. Don’t skimp.

      1. I make almost an identical recipe that a neighborhood cafe shared with me when I begged for it. The only changes are 6 cups of oats plus even more nuts. I use 2 cups each of pecans, unsalted cashews, sliced almonds, and flaked coconut (not shredded – I find the best flaked coconut at Trader Joe’s). To compensate for the additional ingredients, use 1 cup of dark brown sugar, 1 cup of maple syrup, 1/2 cup of vegetable oil. Vanilla is about the same, and am generous with the 1T of cinnamon. I bake in a convection oven at 225 for an hour, break up and stir around a bit and bake for another hour. It makes a ton of granola and isn’t inexpensive, but it makes lovely gifts and also freezes really well.

  9. For many many reasons, I had to disconnect from toxic bio family many years ago, specifically because of one relative (a parent) and because others were not respecting my boundaries with that one person. I have just discovered that said parent is now creating fake accounts to follow me on social media. I cannot be off of social media or make everything totally private due to my public-facing career needing me to be at least semi-public.

    I am now feeling paranoid about being watched, whether something more is coming, etc. (Is it paranoia when the threat is real?) None of it rises to the level of a legal thing as it is not active contacting me as of yet, but she is talking about this with someone she knows talks to me because she says she just wants me to know she’s watching and aware of whom I interact with, who initiates contact with me, what I am doing when, etc. I was so glad to have her out of my life and now it feels like I’m as trapped by her as I was before I removed her from my life (a long and horrible process). I am also wondering if anything I do online (such as webinars) has her in the audience without me knowing and with me wondering if today is the day she says something awful in an event as a fake participant or something.

    Any advice or commiseration or validation or anything would be great. I am just exhausted by life (as we all are) and to find this out is just feeling overwhelming.

    1. If you are hosting the webinar, you can kill their mic at any time in most cases.

      Social media that’s public facing isn’t your real persona. Just provide info that you would be fine with any stranger knowing. Try to think of them as a low level stalker to depersonalize. You have control over what goes on your social media. You have control over what this person does and does not know about you.

    2. You NEED to talk to a lawyer, even if you are one.

      I’m an attorney in a similar position. Toxic, abusive family of origin. Disconnected from them because of the crazy. They stalk me on social media and harass my friends. As I block channels of communication, they find others. (Latest is sending post cards because I can’t just “return to sender” without reading them.) We’re talking to a lawyer next week.

      Even if this is not yet harassment, we’re hoping to get some strategies for creating the necessary paper trail so that the moment even a baby toe goes over the line into harassment, we can initiate legal action.

    3. Congrats on cutting her off. I think you have to decide not to care if she looks & keep living your life as you would (though privately when you can). If it helps, think about the techniques you would use to shut down any awful participant … ignore, calmly say something polite & bland, ask them to leave whatever. Come up with a few bland remarks about how you’re not in touch with your mother & don’t care to be in case she approaches anyone else. A therapist would be great for practicing this.

      Then tell yourself you’re prepared and don’t have to worry about this anymore. Don’t spend too much time worrying about this, just know you are capable & can deal with whatever happens. Do not worry about every public interaction or let parent take up a lot of real estate in your head. You’ve got this.

      Also, tell your mutual friend you don’t want to know or hear anything about your mother (perhaps unless/even if it’s an emergency). I know my toxic family member spies on my brother’s social media. I decided not to tell him because he deserves to live his life openly & in peace. But she is unlikely to actually approach him publicly.

    4. More advice: depending on your public facing role, get a social media account just for it. Have your own Facebook profile, then have a page for Emily Smith, Author or Emily Smith, Social Media Consultant or whatever your job is.

      Put your personal profiles under tight control.

      1. This. Everyone I know with a public facing job has this set up. My actual FB has less than 100 ppl on it and is under my reverse initials, not my full name.

      2. This is what I was going to suggest but depending on the job, sometime the marketing technique is to have your personal account engaged in certain discussions so it isn’t blatant advertising and then you mention your profession at some point.

        I’m an attorney that does consumer facing work (employment, PI) so my clients are the average Joe in town. I’m part of my town facebook group with my personal page. I engage politely in certain discussions. If someone mentions a legal issue, I respond that they can contact me at my firm and mention my firm’s name.

        This is the kind of stuff a lot of people are expected to do as part of their marketing work. It could also work with a professional page but your employer may not want every opinion tied to that page – like should the town allow a new development for example. If that’s the case for you OP, I’d join the town pages that are private groups so it would be harder for your toxic family member to join and stay out of the totally public ones where everyone sees what you post.

        That said, I have a locked down profile and do participate on some public discussions and if someone clicks through to my public page all they are going to see is my profile/cover photos, times I have donated somewhere, and responses I have had on the public page. You just have to watch out with how much info you share. Don’t say on the public page “well, since I live on Main Street, I’m opposed to X.

        I just want to commiserate that being part of your community as part of networking / marketing also involves social media work.

        1. If you need your personal page to be open to the public, you can create a “close friends” list to use for personal stuff. I have about 75 people on mine; the other 700 Facebook ‘friend’s get the general content.

    5. No advice but commiseration. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I had to cut out my toxic, volatile parent and lived in constant fear that something like this would happen, though my role is less public. I didn’t even realize how stressed I was by this until he died and I felt a huge wave of relief. If possible, I encourage you to get therapy to work through some of these feelings; it really helped me.

  10. I ordered a non-peleton spin bike, and I have the peleton app. I use a Garmin Vivoactive 4 as my fitness tracker / smart watch and I ordered a cadence monitor for my bike. What else do I need to do to get the most of the fake peleton experience?

    Several coworkers and friends have real Peletons and we plan on doing rides together so I’d like to be able to get as many metrics as possible (were very competitive!). What app (peleton , wahoo, Garmin) will be best for tracking metrics in? I’d like to get my heart rate, estimated cal burn and cadence In one place, I think

    1. I just did the same thing, with the Sunny bike. Love it so far. I second the rec above for getting bike shoes and pedals. I also got the Wahoo cadence meter. I use my Apple Watch as HR and fitness tracker and haven’t yet figured a way to connect it to the peloton app.

      Threadjack: would love to know everyone’s favorite spin instructors- especially for hip hop and pop rides! And whether the live rides are worth waiting for.

      1. +1 for Cody. also check out Hannah Frankson. The boss rides (dropping for BossOctober are beastly.

        I’m metric driven and unless my friends are also taking live rides, I don’t like them as much (they don’t post ranges since its live).

      2. Not the right music for you, likely, but I love Christine D’Ercole. She is a total badass. She’s an actual cycling competitor (and champion!), and she’s 48. She’s not everyone’s cup of tea–no one is!–but dammit if I’m not impressed and inspired every time I cue up one of her rides. Bonus points that she loves new wave which is always fun.

    2. I have a non-Peloton bike that I use with the Peloton app. I have the Peloton displayed on our family room TV via Roku.

      I have the Wahoo speed and cadence sensors attached to the bike and they are fabulous. The cadence really allows me to push myself and to match the instructor’s pace.

      The speed/mileage numbers on the Wahoo match the mileage on the bike itself and my 5-mile time on my outdoor bike matches my 5-mile time on the indoor bike, so reasonably accurate. I’ve ordered the Wahoo wrist heart-rate monitor Tickr Fit arm/wristband but obvs have no review on how well it works. (I hate chest straps with a passion.)

      This is the best indoor fitness thing I’ve done ever. I’ve never gone to a spin class but love the peloton experience that I’ve been able to create.

  11. Is it weird that I am sooo annoyed that Target got rid of the modal pj pants we all loved? The Medium Short is the exact right size for me without paying for tailoring plus comfy and wash well… and now they’re gone and all I want is a bunch of them in my closet forever rather than doing laundry more specifically because I wear them so often.

    As a very short super curvy gal, it’s so hard to find things that fit so it (jokingly) feels like a personal attack when something that does is discontinued!

    What item(s) are you wishing hadn’t been discontinued?

    1. RIP JCrew matchstick jeans. :(
      (there’s a “vintage straight” JCrew now … anyone know if it compares to the matchstick?)

      1. Seriously. I loved those jeans. The Madewell Roadtrippers are good as long as you’re ok with a skinny jean but nobody else I’ve found does straight but slim as well.

    2. Old Navy super skinny mid rise grey jeans in short. I’ve tried other colours, but the grey fit consistently better than any others. FWIW, i’m also very short and finding things that don’t need hemming is so, so hard.

    3. HEADS UP – Apparently the Dr Jart BB cream that we all love has been discontinued. It’s no longer listed on the Sephora site (not out of stock, just not listed). I went to the Dr Jart site and it’s on clearance there so I bought three – and since I was new to buying from them I got an additional 20% off by signing up for emails.

      https://us.drjart.com/products/premium-beauty-balm-spf-45

      1. For a hot minute in 2015 JCPenney carried Liz Claiborne “Emma” pants in a heavier fabric. I bought four pairs and I wore them until they were visibly shabby and faded. The newer ones are crap.

    4. Target does tend to bring things back under a different ‘house brand name’ that are virtually identical to the old ones, so that may happen.

      I miss the Old Navy sweetheart/curvy cut jeans – none of the others can compare.

    5. I was going to say the Gap girlfriend chinos but they’re back on their website! Not in my size, but they exist! I had two pairs of those during law school that I wore out and hadn’t seen them in the website in the exact style for a couple years.

      Otherwise, a specific style of Pumas (found an unworn pair on eBay to replace the pair I wore through the sole), some amazing North Face down filled short snow boots, and long sleeve Gap shirts in a fabric they don’t seem to use anymore that isn’t as stretchy as what they use now.

    6. The Banana Republic sloan 5 pocket pants with front zip and button. I stalk them on ebay, I think they stopped making them in 2015? I own 12 pairs in 3 different sizes…

  12. Frivolous Friday topic: My library hold for Fleishman is in Trouble finally came around, and as I recall, this book was somewhat polarizing on this board when it came up a couple of months ago, with some people hating it and others liking it. I am only in the early stages, but I can see why the differences in opinion, as I can’t figure out if I dislike it and want to stop reading or if I want to keep going merely to find out what happens.

    1. I hated it! Why do I need another book about a man being a feminist (except he wasn’t, really). I vote to stop reading, it doesn’t get better and there are a million better books out there. Frankly I’m sorry I wasted my time on it. And I generally love all the author’s long form articles (her NYTimes takedown of the jewelry industry for being so misogynistic), so I was doubly disappointed.

      1. At least I didn’t buy it. So far, I’m not picking up any feminist vibes from the recently divorced protagonist, since he seems to just be bragging about getting laid via dating apps full of willing women and blaming his ex for all the problems in their marriage. I am hoping her side of the story shows up here at some point because his version of events is seeming very self-serving.

        1. +1

          A guy I had (mislaid, unfortunate) feelings for in law school had a pink shirt that said “This is what a feminist looks like.” Then he was accused of assault and abuse by multiple women at the law school. One of his guy friends mentioned to him that it was probably in his best interest if he never wore that shirt ever again.

    2. I found the last 20% or so of the book raised it from ‘throw it across the room’ to ‘ugh, I kind of see why people like it, but ugh’ level. If this was an ‘autobiographical’ novel for the author (as many of her interviews seemed to indicate) she seems to have very much internalized the ‘cool girl’ mantra from Gone Girl.
      If the wife was a real person I felt like she’d 100% be on this board (or the moms board) complaining about her husband who complains about her work but happily takes advantage of all of the fancy perks (beach house, vacations, private school) and we’d all encourage her to DTMFA.

      1. THIS.

        I was so, so annoyed with the main character through the first 80%, then annoyed with the narrator for the last 20%.

      2. I thought the author was Libby? There are a lot of biographical similarities there, and the author has never been divorced as far as I know. Was definitely cringing hard on her behalf though because Libby is a mess. I think you’re supposed to like her but I found her more annoying than either Toby or Rachel.

    3. I liked it overall- not love, but like. I thought it improved as you read further. The discussion of dating apps in the beginning is really repetitive and gets tiresome. It gets more interesting once it gets into the characters more. I do wish it had focused more on the wife, but it was interesting that her character was 100% described by other people for most of the book. One issue with it, I think, is that Fleishman isn’t really likable enough for it to work as intended.

      But I always vote for keep reading until you are sure you don’t want to finish. I have no problem quitting a book when you no longer look forward to reading it at all, but if you aren’t sure, I say keep going!

    4. Ugh, I also hated it (and now am secretly wondering about my male coworker who found it “very relatable”)

    5. I really enjoyed it! I enjoyed the writing from the beginning, and the end took the plot up a level. Overall, I thought it was smart. Philip Roth is clearly a big influence on the author, and I thought the book did a good job subverting some of the Rothian tropes and making something new.

    6. I enjoyed it. Not love, but like. The ending tries to do something slippery and surprising, and doesn’t quite make it, for me — I didn’t *quite* buy the narrator, or the wife. Another thing that didn’t work for me was that I disliked Fleishman’s character from the start.

    7. I liked the first 80%, then loved the last 20% and had to reread the whole thing again from the start. But I am a secular Jew who grew up in NYC, approaching middle age, with an obnoxious kid, feeling dumpy, and not super into my husband. So it was highly relatable throughout.

  13. Need a makeup dupe and needing help please!

    L’oreal glossy balm in vintage rose. First swipe is barely colored lipgloss but it’s buildable. Perfect for me as a beyond low maintenance person, perfect color for me, crayon format means easy to apply anywhere, but it seems to be gone everywhere.

    Help!

    1. You might like the MILK makeup “lip and cheeks” product that Sephora is currently giving out as a free birthday “gift” to their beauty club insiders. I got the free sample and it’s not the product for me (although I plan to use up my free sample) but it seems to match the description you provided.

  14. A quick brag-

    I had a week of nightly 2+ hour conversations (chats or calls) with a guy I met via a dating app. He went silent. I did not chase. I did not assume I did something wrong. I just figured that, if he could not figure out that I’m awesome in that amount of time with me, we were either not a match or he was too stupid to hang with me.

    Apparently all it took to not fixate and blame myself is to be in the middle of a pandemic, systemic oppression, too much work, and too little sleep! Go figure!

    1. I’m here for this brag! Awesome! Keep on doing absolutely nothing when someone ghosts.

    2. Woohoo! You go, girl. That is something to be proud of. I spent so many years racking my brains about what was wrong with me and why I got so many good first, second, and third dates but relationships just weren’t clicking for me…then I finally met my fiance and realized that absolutely nothing was wrong with me. None of those guys were my person.

      That said, I am ultimately grateful that I had time to work through familial things in therapy, get a graduate degree, build female friendships, work on my bad habits, etc, while I was still single. Nothing was “wrong” with me before and I was inherently “worthy” of love, but it’s a silver lining that I had time to grow while waiting to meet my future husband.

    3. That is awesome!! I think one of the most common mistakes women make is wasting too much time with the wrong men, making them unavailable for the right one. He doesn’t deserve you–even if it was something you did (which is extremely unlikely given the litany of possible reasons), the right guy for you would have at least had a conversation about it.

  15. Need help finding two things today, please:

    Silky gym shorts for inside/bed/yoga wear, kind of like the old Umbros. I carry my weight in my love handles, so these are definitely not for public use.

    Black v-neck pullover, if not cashmere, then at least very nice, not scratchy wool. It seems I’m looking for this every year and I’m kind of surprised not to have one.

    1. Don’t know about the shorts, but for the sweater I think you’d have plenty of options (I’ve gotten decent cashmere v-necks at Talbots, JCrew, Lands End, Everlane…) It get’s harder when I’m looking for something that makes the sweater more specific – e.g. a petite size, or that perfect fluid/not boxy fit, etc.

    2. I like the Everlane v neck cashmere sweaters. I just bought some athleta gym shorts (I think “run with it”) from poshmark intending for workout use and then they became for all day wear, and then also pajama wear.

  16. We’re discussing adding an electric fireplace to our basement, which is finished but is still very chilly during the winter months. However, the location we’re looking at is only three feet from a gas line. DH is wondering if we should bite the bullet and do gas instead. I’m not opposed, but that’s a lot more of A Project Requiring Professional Help than I was thinking about. Any thoughts on which would be better?

    And, on a fluffier note, I’m stuck on how to go style-wise. Our basement is eclectic in style because we have several sentimental antique pieces, plus espresso brown furniture (couch, end tables) bought in the past 10 years. I love a white fireplace, but I’m concerned it would look out of place or like an afterthought. Our artwork is a combination of sentimental stuff and more modern stuff that I’m not especially tied to.

    1. 1. Spring for the gas!
      2. Match the look of the fireplace to the architectural elements of your home, not your furniture. If it’s made of millwork (a classic) it should match the trim.

        1. Stone is nice too. What does your homes architecture look like otherwise? When was it built?

          1. It was built in 2011. Open floor plan. The woodwork and doors are painted white. We have a few “rustic refined” elements throughout, which I define as chunky, stained wood that is smooth in texture, not rough. Lots of clean lines and Shaker cabinets, not fussy.

          2. I should’ve added that part of our exterior is stone, so I don’t think stone would be out of place, style-wise.

          3. Yes, I think something that echos the stone elsewhere could be really nice. Whatever you do, be careful of scale. You’ll want a nice deep mantel, but not a giant fireplace that overwhelms the room. Laurel bern did a blog post on fireplaces. The scale factor seems complicated, but I think your eye sort of understands intuitively what looks right if you look at a few.

    2. My gas fireplace brings me so much joy and warmth. If you can afford it, go for it!

    3. I have come around to electric given the need to reduce individual gas consumption.

    4. Gas is my preference, but know that you’ll probably have a lot of reconfiguring to do if you don’t already have a chimney that can accommodate it already in place. We looked into it for our basement fireplace since it was so close to the gas line, but it would have involved getting rid of a closet upstairs and having to move two doorways.

  17. Just finished A Deadly Education by Naomi Novik and loooooved it. I immediately went back and read it again, and I’m super excited there is already a release date for the sequel. Also excited for A Rogue of One’s Own. Any other new books I should put on my list?

    1. I tore through that one too and just loved it!
      Have you read the House in the Cerulean Sea? I’m recommending it to everyone. If you’re looking for more action, the new (and so far final) Hidden Legacy series book by Ilona Andrews just came out and I very much enjoyed the series. Set in an alternate history world where magic exists and magic users form a new ‘upper class’ but seen through the eyes of very down to earth heroines.

      1. I’m listening to House in the Cerulean Sea right now and I love it! I couldn’t remember where I got the rec, but it probably was here, from you, so thank you!

    2. Troubled Blood looks promising on the UK bestseller lists. Another newish book I really enjoyed this year was Say Nothing.

      1. Troubled Blood is by JK Rowling, in case anyone is interested in the book but doesn’t want to support a TERF nutjob.

          1. I don’t think this is at all misogynistic – a lot of folks are really affected by her stance, and not looking to support her by buying her work, but since she writes under a pen name for this series, it might not be super obvious who the author is.

          2. Calling a woman a TERF is gross and intellectually lazy. I shouldn’t need to say this.

          3. TERF stands for trans-exclusionary radical feminist. I am confused why it shouldn’t be possible to use that label for a woman? Women are just people. They can be awesome and they can be really biased.

          4. anoshmanon, it’s widely considered offensive by feminists. As I’m sure you know, it’s generally better to listen to the group that reports something is offensive, not the group that wants to be offensive. For example, I generally don’t call people rednecks, even though many people I know in my coastal, progressive city think it’s “accurate” or “they deserve it.”

          5. Why is it offensive to call JKR a trans-excluding radical feminist? She’s made it clear that’s what she thinks. It is an accurate description of her stance.

          6. Well, it is an offensive term to feminists who want to exclude trans people from their feminism, I guess.

          7. No, if you had read her essay, you would know exactly what it’s not even accurate (setting aside the question of offensiveness). Won’t argue with a brick wall though.

          8. This is a serious question: “a lot of folks are really affected by her [JKRowling’s] stance, and not looking to support her by buying her work.”

            Totally get how someone may not agree with her stance and express that by speaking out against her and not buying her books — and that’s totally cool — but can someone explain how “a lot of folks” are **affected** by her stance? She is not a legislator with any power over any laws regarding trans people’s right; she’s just a private citizen. Are legislators / politicians really thinking “hmm, I ought to consult JKR’s opinion”? Does she have any power over anything? This is a serious question, btw.

        1. Calling anyone a nut job is really offensive. Calmly pointing out that you are boycotting her because you disagree with her would be much more effective.

          1. It’s especially disrespectful to a sexual assault and domestic violence survivor who wrote a compassionate, albeit controversial, essay on her views.

    3. Oh that sounds good! Adding now. I had pre-ordered “Leave the World Behind” and it was released earlier this week, so I just got mine. Haven’t read it yet, but it sounded good!

    4. I just read Kevin Kwan’s Gardening And Vanity (not its real title…) – his new book based on A Room With A View and I LOVED it. A real sideways look both at the source material and at high society in the 20-teens.

      1. I just finished this book last week and also enjoyed it (though, still not as much as Crazy Rich Asians) for the escapism.

    5. This is the third day in a row I’ve posted this, but Piranesi by Susanna Clarke. Blew my socks off.

    6. It’s not super new at this point but I read Something to Live For/How To Not Die Alone in one night! I also recently liked Sea Wife by Amity Gaige (this one seems somewhat polarizing), This Won’t End Well by Camille Pagan, S and Vanity by Kevin Kwan (although not as much as CRA!), Last Train to Key West by Chanel Cleeton, and The Good House by Anne Leary.

      I highly recommend the blog Modern Mrs Darcy for tons of excellent book reccs! She has themed lists like “wilderness mysteries” (the genre I did not know I needed in my life), “boarding school and campus novels,” and “books inspired by Jane Austen.” Her summer reading guide and fall book preview are both excellent, as are her two podcasts.

        1. I LOVE her blog. She posts great bookish links from around the web every Friday and pulls together kindle deals every day that you can get by email. She has a really wide range of reading and genre interests and she’s recommended books that I would never, ever have picked up but ended up putting on my all time favorites shelf. I’ve liked probably 80% of what I’ve read that she recommended, maybe more. She also just seems like a really great person, and her home library is to die for.

  18. How do I figure out what I like furniture wise and gather these ideas? Is Pinterest the way to go? We’re likely moving (made a revised offer this am with a nudge wink from the estate agent that it would be accepted so fingers and toes crossed, just need to sell ours) and this is the first time I’ve been able to properly decorate a place. I moved in with my husband and we just don’t have much in the way of furniture. We’ll move with a our bed, my son’s bed, 2 IKEA Kallaxes, a TV stand/storage unit, and 2 IKEA retro arm chairs and knock on wood will need to furnish a sitting room, dining room, guest room, and conservatory.

    1. Pinterest or Houzz are great. Move with what you have and then tackle one room at a time when you’re actually in the space and have lived there a few weeks. Aim for one room a month. Focus on sitting room and dining room being done before Christmas. Guest room can presumably wait with the pandemic and all. I overbought before we moved in and I ended up regretting the pieces I bought in a rush.

    2. Don’t furnish everything at once – live there for awhile and see what you really want/need in the space.

      Definitely look at Pinterest and instagram. You can start with a broad term like “farmhouse” or “mid century modern” and go from there.

    3. Houzz is great, but I also love actual catalogs from shops. I like being able to spread out a number of samples in front of me (rather than flip between browser windows). I can generally determine what the common stylistic element is between different pictures that I like.

      Also, I know it has gone downhill but old Apartment Therapy posts are great as well.

    4. Buy one piece at a time, and don’t forget vintage/thrift/consignment shops. Having a home that’s layered looks better than matchy-matchy. For example, I looooooove everything MCM but rooms that are 100% MCM look a little too movie-set for me.

      1. Also, think about the home(s) you grew up in, and if that’s what you want your home to look like or maybe you want the opposite. I realized halfway through decorating my forever home that I was essentially replicating my grandmother’s apartment (full of MCM furniture), and that made it easier to figure out why every easy chair I looked at didn’t look right — I wanted one similar to the one she had.

    5. There are lots of places to browse, but yes, Pinterest is where you gather. I never thought I would have a Pinterest page but then I bought a house.

  19. When I’m stressed my scalp itches like crazy. I used to use nioxin scalp relief but they changed the formula recently. Any tried and true alternatives? I have dyed hair so has to be color safe and those tar based ones just dried my hair into a pile of knots.

    1. Could you have seborrheic dermatitis that just flares up when you are stressed? I did and it took me years to get it properly diagnosed. I have an Rx Ketoconazole shampoo that I use every once and awhile along with a topical corticosteroid solution applied directly to the scalp – totally fixed the problem, never itchy now. I have dyed and keratin treated hair and have not noticied any negative side effects.

    2. Maybe tea tree shampoo? Paul Mitchell has a good one, though I’d use sparingly with colored hair.

      1. I had a flare of severely itchy scalp and tea tree oil helped. I would mix 1 part tto to 1 part almond oil and rub that in before I shampooed. You can also get formulations that are already diluted. Make sure you spot test first.

    3. I buy little bottles of coconut or other oils from the ethnic hair aisle. They’re only a couple dollars apiece. Great for soothing itchy scalp.

    4. It’s possible it is psych based, at least that’s the conclusion my docs have come up with. I tend to pick at the dry itchy spots on my scalp when I’m stressed but they seem to think I’m causing the spots with my compulsive itching and picking rather than the other way around. I’ve tried all sorts of stuff and the only thing that remotely helps is using anti-dandruff shampoos. There’s one I buy from an aveda salon that smells nice at least.

      1. Immunologist with anxiety here and I think you should see a derm about seborrheic dermatitis.

        1. Thanks! I have other auto-immune disorders so this wouldn’t be crazy for me to have.

    5. I use Neutrogena T-Sal for periodic itchy build-up. It isn’t CGM friendly, but my color tolerates it without issue.

    6. This is kind of gross but is it possible it’s candida? The last time I had this, the nioxin was not enough, but it went away when my doctor prescribed oral nystatin tablets.

      1. I use this: Nizoral A-D Anti-Dandruff Ketoconazole 1% Shampoo – 7 oz and it’s fine with my color

  20. Our kitchen appliances all decided to quit at once. The only thing still working properly is the dishwasher. I’ve never bought an appliance so I have no idea how complicated this is, especially when you need more than one. Is this something I can trust consumer reports/Home Depot with, or should I order online somewhere? Would really appreciate any insight or recommendations. TIA!

    1. It’s not that complicated! I like to check consumer reports, and I think it helps to see it in person if you can/feel comfortable (sometimes a fridge layout, etc is super odd in person but you don’t notice it in pictures online). I would do some research online, then check to see what local stores have it in stock to look at (you can check this online for Home Depot/Lowes). There should be some sales this holiday weekend. Oh, and try to get them to deliver and install and take away your old ones all at once. You’ve got this!

    2. Commented above but similarly have had all appliances die recently. What I found is that specs matter. For example, my refrigerator space was built when those were average 35 inches wide. Today, they’re at least 36 inches wide. Doesn’t sound major but a 36 inch fridge will not fit in 35 inches of space. So there was exactly 1 still on the market that fit my existing space. Reading consumer reports for fridges would have been a complete waste of time when there was literally no choice. So, my advice is start with your space, see whether you have enough room to bother researchIng differences and getting recommendations. FWIW, I’m more into features and design as I’m not sure any brand is 100% reliable (there’s no Honda of appliances). I hate fridges w the freezer drawers on the bottom (old stuff gets buried), love a steam freshening feature in a dryer.

      1. Also, fwiw, I’ve had the best luck w Best Buy for customer service and great installation and take away – their options are intuitive and super easy to deal with customer service (for ahem, when you say need to return appliances that are a 1/4 inch too big for your space…. or you have to bring in a handyman/contractor to remove door framing to get an appliance inside and need to have them come back later to remove old stuff). Way better than Home Depot (which may sell the only existing appliance in your spec size….)

      2. Color AND size issues together are also a clusterfudge. My kitchen is all white, which I really love, but apparently I dare to be out of style. Finding a mounted white microwave in the correct width has been literally impossible. I can have any number of black or stainless ones, though.

    3. Not sure if this is true or just an internet rumor, but I’ve heard that there are big backorders on lots of appliances because everyone is doing covid renovations. If it’s true and you really need things soon, you might want to to prioritize what’s in stock over the perfect model, so I’d start by checking on that.

      1. It’s true—had to replace 2 appliances that died within the past 6 weeks, and the combination of measurements and availability meant we literally had 2 options in one case, and “take this or nothing” in the other. I checked many vendors and I am located in a major city suburb, FWIW.

      2. Absolutely true. SIL has been waiting on a dishwasher since August. I have been trying to buy a small chest freezer and at this point I think ordering a unicorn would be easier.

      3. +1 just had to replace my stove over the summer and spent weeks waiting for a delivery that never came – finally switched to an in stock model. Honestly that kind of takes away some of the stress of decision making, instead of trying to choose the perfect one from a limitless number of options you are choosing the best from a few limited choices. Much easier!

    4. In the category of Things I Found Out Late In Life, big box stores will bargain on appliances. The person on the floor in that department probably has about 15% discretion on the price. Just ask!

      1. Yes, and especially if you are buying more than one appliance you can usually negotiate a pretty good deal. We renovated a kitchen and went to a local appliance place, and got 20% off when we bought a suite of appliances from the previous model year that were being clearanced out. It was a $5k purchase with the discount, but that represented a significant enough sale that the salesperson wanted to close it.

    5. Don’t forget to check the dimensions on your doorways to make sure they fit into your house. Appliances have gotten bigger and it can be tough to get things in now. My washing machine had to come in the patio door because it couldn’t fit through the door to my kitchen!

    6. We did a bunch of remodeling work and replaced all appliances at once, including washer and dryer, We went to a locally owned appliance store. They had so much knowledge, they had all the major brands (including high and low end), and they gave us a great package deal. The bonus is they service all the appliances. The washing machine they sold us started to leak at two years — just outside manufacture warranty. They were out the same day with a replacement with no issues and no argument.

      1. +1 For the local appliance store! Ours also does kitchen and bath reno so they really know what will fit, how noisy it is, etc. Also, this is a great time to look at EnergyStar ratings and water usage and make picks that will reduce your electric and water bills.

    7. I had a very bad experience with Lowes. They claimed they had leftovers of a discontinued dishwasher I wanted, but they lied and substituted the new version that I specifically stated I didn’t want. I had no recourse because it was a custom order and the model numbers matched.

      I have never had a bad experience with an independent locally-owned business; I got a great new toilet and sink from one place, and a new stove and fridge from another. The first toilet was actually cracked and leaking, but they came out to do a dye test, confirmed it, and switched it out for another with no fussing or games.

      I have sworn off big-box stores for this sort of thing, and will only work with small business owners.

    8. If you are in or near NYC, I had a great experience with AJ Madison. Staff was extremely knowledgeable and were able to recommend things in our price range, and were honest about what is and is not worth the upgrade. They also “saved” our order and told us to wait a week because there would be a major sale, then we called the salesperson and he put the order in for us with sale prices.

    9. If you end up having choices in what’s available – it’s also worth looking the noise levels of the appliances, especially if you WFH and would be bothered by more noise.

      Oh – and one thing I did wrong last time – forgot to think about necessary swing radius for opening fridge door… it’a pain to remove shelves and drawers for cleaning because the door swings into a wall…

  21. If you haven’t been examine for it in the past, consider going to your GP or Gyn, describe your increasing pain, and ask about fibroids. They can cause intense period cramps and perimenopause can cause them to grow larger because of the hormone changes. Don’t assume that because you haven’t had a heavy flow, that they aren’t the cause. They are diagnosed by a ultrasound and/MRI and the process is painless. Feel better!

    1. +100. I finally insisted on an ultrasound and ended up needing intervention. Had an embolization done and I can’t say enough good things about it. My quality of life has done a 180.

  22. I’m planning to buy little self-care gifts for a few of the women in my life, and I could definitely use suggestions. I’d like to do something refreshing for morning and something relaxing for evening, but I’m a bath person and they are not, so I don’t know what products they would use. I’m also open to brand suggestions- price point would be just above drugstore/tween, so I was thinking either Lush or Yardely? TIA!

    Also, the print on this shirt looks like a flour tortilla-like those goofy blankets that roll you up as a burrito.

    1. Maybe a nice hand cream or foot cream? L’Occitane sells small tubes of their creams at a good price point, and they’re really nice and more luxe than Lush.

    2. Lush soap and fancy herbal tea are my ‘go to’ items for this kind of gifting.

      1. Fun washi tape :)

        Nail polish, particularly the kind that is supposed to be good for the nails and doesn’t require a base or top coat.

        Colorful gel pens!

        Amaryllis, which bloom indoors in the winter

    3. How lovely and thoughtful!
      Cuticle balm or hand cream or lotion bars
      One of those rectangular or triangular nail buffing things With the different grits
      Really indulgent chocolates
      Guilty pleasure magazine (like an actual hard copy magazine)
      If any of them are AM coffee drinkers, little bottles of flavored syrup or little things of flavored coffee (but YMMV bc i love coffee and despise flavored coffee)

    4. Clinique released its holiday sets today. There are some good ones in the $10-$15 range

    5. How about, for night, a selection of face masks? The fun kind. I love the Shea Moisture African Black Soap Clarifying Mud Mask, and I know others love the Aztec mask they sell at Costco.

      As a side note, if anyone has been to the blue lagoon in Iceland, the mud mask above is the closest I’ve found to their lava mask you get in the lagoon.

  23. TMI alert- Do I have to go to the doctor if I have hemorrhoids? They bother me but not so much that I would get surgery. I just think the appointment would be humiliating and I have been avoiding it for months. Has anyone been through this?

    1. Have you exhausted the OTC options? For internal pain, the Prep H suppositories are great. Be aware if one bursts (including an internal one) you will likely have copious amounts of rectal bleeding and need to go to the ER. This unfortunately and embarrassingly happened to my husband on a business trip. Luckily it broke while he was on the toilet but he still had to go to the ER because the bleeding wouldn’t stop, though I think that can be a bit unusual.

    2. You should go! Most docs I went to are quite useless, only told me to take Metamucil and wave me away. But you should still go. In retrospect I didn’t know what questions to ask and I wasn’t a great advocate for my health, and like you said it’s an embarassing condition that I didn’t want to repeat to the nurse, the intern, the doctor, the specialist, the surgeon etc etc. while feeling like I was being judged for developing this condition (my surgeon had poor bedside manners and definitely made those comments). Mine was bad enough that I eventually had to have hemorrhoidectomy. But that didn’t solve the problem. All they do is come back because I/my doctors never fully addressed the underlying cause which is my chronic constipation and irritable bowel syndrome. Only recently did I learn what diet would give me regular bowel movements. And of course working from home means I now have more control over forming a routine and I don’t have to deal with public bathroom anxiety which helps so so much in my case. With all that’s said, I still recommend you to see a doctor or GI specialist. Ask questions about the underlying causes and the hemorrhoids themselves. There is a difference between external and internal hems and their treatments. There are treatment options other than surgery. Ask if any of those apply to you. You’re right to not want surgery because it was a literal PITA; avoid if at all possible. But a good doctor will navigate tests and options with you.

    3. Go to the doctor. My dad thought he had hemorrhoids and it was colon cancer. It’s embarrassing for you but it’s nothing the doctor hasn’t seen before.

    4. My doc was able to prescribe a cream that worked so much better than Preparation H.

    5. Heh. I had a small one post childbirth that went away, returned at end of second pregnancy/post delivery, and appears to have gone away again. First, are you sure it is hemorrhoids? I don’t know your symptoms and you don’t need to list them all here, but they might want to rule out crohn’s/UC/colon cancer/other IBD (At a minimum, google symptoms for these just to check). Assuming you are sure, if you don’t want treatment, of course you don’t need to go to the doctor. I do believe there are things they can offer (rx creams and whatnot) other than surgery. I highly recommend a plant based diet or, if you aren’t willing to do that, regular miralax to keep things flowing easy. And there are OTC drugstore creams that you have probably tried. Mine has not persisted long because I only have constipation issues during late pregnancy. Once things are moving again, it recedes. So do whatever you need to do to avoid having to push hard with bowel movements.

      I did see a GI doctor once for a related “down there” issue post delivery (long story). I did feel awkward about it but I was desperate. He was 60 yo man, ex military. It was totally fine, honestly (or maybe once you’ve been through childbirth, you just lose all sense of dignity). We discussed symptoms first. Then he had a female chaperone come in for the exam and had me take my pants off, put on gown, and lay on side in fetal position basically. He examined me like that. Other than the position, it was kind of similar to an ob/gyn exam in that he would narrate what he was doing.

      I wouldn’t avoid the doctor if embarrassment/awkwardness is the only reason you don’t want to go. Go straight to a GI specialist if you can. They look at butts all day, have literally seen thousands, it is nothing to them. It is really similar to going to ob/gyn esp for first time- way more awkward for you than for them.

      Also, know that this is really really common. And especially in women who have been pregnant and had vaginal deliveries, which is a high percentage of the adult female population!

    6. Well, mine get rather itchy from time to time, and very slight, light bleeding every once in a while when pooping, but I haven’t gone to a doctor. My gynecologist noticed a couple of years ago but didn’t recommend any treatment.

      What I do now is try to be good about getting enough water and fiber. Also, witch hazel is the active ingredient in hemorrhoid pads, so I keep a bottle of that in the bathroom and use it when wiping. Once things got so itchy that I used a little topical cortisone.

      It is definitely not a fun thing to talk about!

    7. You could call your doctor, explain the severity of it, and see if they recommend an office visit or if they’ll prescribe something over the phone.

    8. You should go. I had a hemorrhoid, but I also had a polyp that needed to be removed. If I hadn’t gone in and gotten a colonoscopy, I wouldn’t have known.

    9. Go to the doctor if it’s been going on for months. During the last months of my first pregnancy, I had hemorrhoids and suffered until one thrombosed. I went to the doctor, even though I was super embarrassed, and got it taken care of. It was the most relief I’ve ever felt. The pain before was worse than childbirth, as it turned out. And it wasn’t embarrassing at all – doctors totally used to it, very matter of fact. Then, after my second pregnancy, I got a pilonidal cyst (google it). So painful. Mostly diagnosed in truckers and young men with bad hygiene, but there I was, one week postpartum. Went to the doctor and they drained it. I was less embarrassed for that one (childbirth x2 is a good antidote to medical embarrassment) but it was awkward. And again, doctor was super matter of fact. Now firmly of the opinion that doctors have seen it all, and even if it’s embarrassing that’s worth not suffering any longer than you have to.

    10. Might be too late in the day, but yes probably go to the dr. My policy is when in doubt, go. In the meantime try the Preparation H suppositories. I know that’s weird but it works a lot better than the cream. I had hemorrhoids when pregnant (and afterwards) and the suppositories are the only thing that worked.

    11. Oh hi, I was you. I thought I had hemorrhoids and it turned out to be a massive tumor in my sigmoid colon and here I am seven weeks later with an ileostomy, 1.5 feet of colon removed, six months of chemo on the horizon, and watching spots on my lungs.

      Trust me, your best case scenario is an awkward doctors appt to chat about hemorrhoids. I wouldn’t say I have a “worst case” scenario, but it’s certainly a crappy one (pun intended).

  24. Does anyone use a Waterpik? Are the models really all that different from each other? Any specific features you consider essential?

    1. I used to, but then my hygienist said that I needed to do more on the lingual side of my teeth, which is hard with a Waterpik, as it makes a mess unless your head is practically all the way in the sink. It was too much of a hassle, so I went back to flossing. My hygienist has had nothing but compliments since.

    2. Yes I use one. I have the travel version, even though I’ve never brought it with me when I travel. I just like that it takes up less footprint and can be used cordless. That’s the only version I’ve used, and I see no reason to change.

    3. My teeth are so close together that it’s a real hassle to get the floss between them (even the hygenist has a hard time), so I waterpik in lieu of flossing. I have the Sidekick because it takes up less counter space than the standard model, is easy to clean, stows away very small, and doesn’t look like a Fisher Price toy. It doesn’t have interchangeable heads, so it won’t work for multiple users or people who like all the different attachments.

      My teenager has the regular base model to clean around her braces. She likes the squirty brush attachment.

    4. I bought one and absolutely hated it. It made a huge mess and got water EVERYWHERE. I don’t see how people use them anywhere but the shower (which wasn’t an option for my model). It was a waste of money for me.

      1. So it took me way too long to figure this out (like, years), but you can minimize splashing with a Waterpik by using it in a closed mouth. So insert Waterpik, close lips, turn it on, keep lips closed as you maneuver about. When your cheeks fill up with water, open your lips slightly and slowly spit out a stream of water. Helps to kind of hover over the sink during this process. Make sure to turn off the Waterpik before removing it from your mouth, otherwise everything within eyesight is in the splash zone!

  25. I’m looking for high quality leggings that I can wear on a daily basis – not workout leggings but, I’m working from home now but will wear these with a tunic in my casual office in the future, type.

    Any suggestions? I can’t afford anything too pricey but would spend up to $50 per pair.

    1. I got Zella restore soft pocket leggings with pockets during the Nordstrom anniversary sale. They were less than $50 on sale but maybe you can get them on sale somewhere now. I also got a pair of dark denim Hue leggings for $36 that are great too – soft – but no phone pockets. I usually require phone pockets in pants.

  26. Paging Joanna Bach – I needed a standalone keyboard also and I bought the Logitech MK545 Advanced Wireless Keyboard and Mouse Combo from Amazon and love it. I have the curved/ergonomic kind at my office, but the regular flat kind works great for home use. DH had this same exact combo so I decided to get the same one and it’s been great. I paid a little over $50 for it.

    1. Thank you so much! And belated thanks to all who offered suggestions yesterday, too.

  27. Someone recommended a YouTube makeup artist the other day and now I can’t find the post. I’m looking for tips for over 40 skin and makeup – specifically how to get concealer to not look patchy, but definitely open to overall makeup tips.

    Even better if they do tik tok (I know that is the last thing you’d expect an over 40 to say but I love the tik tok format.)

    1. Didn’t see yesterday’s post but check out HotnFlashy, Stephanie Marie, and Brianna Stanko on YouTube.

    1. ‘made from fetal derived cells not fetal cells’ is splitting hairs.

      This is exactly the same info as yesterday. The cell line used originates with a fetus.

      1. I would have thought that everyone had already heard of these cell lines. They come up all the time in scientific research, and they come up all the time in anti-vaxx propaganda. Maybe people are just trying to turn some of the pro-life, anti-vaxx propaganda against pro-life, anti-vaxx MAGA types, but good luck with that!

  28. I posted this as a response to a thread above about discontinued items and it went to m0d, so
    I’m trying again, and I think it may be worth its own stand-alone post

    HEADS UP – Apparently the Dr Jart BB cream that we all love has been discontinued. It’s no longer listed on the Sephora site (not out of stock, just not listed). I went to the Dr Jart site and it’s on clearance there so I bought three – and since I was new to buying from them I got an additional 20% off by signing up for emails.

    https://us.drjart.com/products/premium-beauty-balm-spf-45

    1. Thank you for positing this! I bought a couple just now. I HATE that this is discontinued.

  29. Was just browsing Caphillstyle, and saw a post in which she stated she styled her hair every day with Conair hot rollers. I haven’t used these since college (early 90s) but I remember really liking them. Is this becoming a thing again?

    1. I don’t know they are becoming trendy again or not, but I remember LOVING the way my mom’s hair looked whenever she hot-rolled it when I was growing up. Thanks for the nice memory :) I’ll have to ask my mom if she ever uses them these days.

    2. I never stopped. I like them for smoothing out my hair and giving it body. I have the set with the jumbo rollers.

    3. I still use them! I use the jumbo ones and they give my hair good volume. When I had long hair they gave me beautiful big waves and now with my shorter shoulder length hair it looks like I got a blow out. Everyone compliments me on my hair and no one believes me when I say I use the con air hot rollers.

  30. Anyone else having an issue getting to the weekend thread post? It auto directs me to a February post #Kat

  31. I posted this yesterday, pretty late in the day. Reposting for more visibility and feedback. I’d appreciate any input!!

    I’m in a bit of a career funk and could use some advice. I’ve been a lawyer for 15 years and went inhouse after 7 years as a litigator. I was at my first inhouse job for 6 and 1/2 years. After about 3 years in that job managing litigation (which I thoroughly enjoyed), I transitioned to a transactional practice (marketing,advertising, contracts) so that I could work more closely with the Business. I had an awesome experience, worked closely with our CMO and CIO, felt engaged and generally happy. I felt like my role was important, valued, etc. But, 3 and 1/2 years later, while I LOVED my job and my company, I knew that I was ready for new challenges and a promotion. Those things did not seem likely at my then job (it was very flat, 50+ lawyers, not a lot of room for advancement, and I was ready to be something more than Senior Corporate). Sigh…I wish I had just stayed put.

    Long story short, I got a new job, big pay rise (i now make $85k more than I was making at the previous job), and new title (VP). The problem is, I don’t actually feel like i have more responsibilities/authority in my current job (I have been in it now for 2 years). Despite the bigger title and money, I feel less engaged, less motivated, like i am doing less “big ticket” work, I have less interaction with our senior most executives, etc. I manage a lot of day to day legal work, but when the big ticket work comes, the GC and Deputy GC largely handle, and my role is often tangential. I was warned about this gently by others in the legal team when I interviewed – I was told the GC and Deputy GC are really close and that I might feel like a third wheel. I didn’t think it would bother me as much as it does. And I think it is taking a toll on my self-esteem. The GC and Deputy GC constantly tell me that I am doing great and gave me a significant raise back in March this year, yet I constantly think about moving on and even taking a paycut to go back to a role where I had a bit more authority and influence. A part of me thinks the reason they love me so much is because I am not rocking the boat and not complaining about being left out of key projects. Recently, I tried to agitate to attend the biweekly management meeting that GC and DGC attend (along with other company executives) and was told “no” because it would be too many lawyers attending. One more lawyer is too many?! In sum, my dilemma is this: great pay, great benefits, great title, but work is VERY “meh” and I am unmotivated. I don’t think I am using my best skills or talents. What would you do?

    1. How happy are you with your life outside of work and how big of a space do you want work to take in your life? If work is something that ranks EXTREMELY high on the totem poll of your life priorities and you know you won’t feel fully realized until you attain career satisfaction…forget the money and look for something else.

      However, if you can invest your time, energy, and leftover passion from a meh workplace into volunteer opportunities, post-pandemic travel, family life, romance, hobbies, spirituality, whatever else you are care about in life…stick it out. That $85K raise alone is a huge amount of money to the average American.

      If you were a college student, I wouldn’t counsel choosing a career based on money, of course; in your case, however, you already have the career and are just talking about the difference between a good-enough job and a job that makes you “sing.” If I was already in it, I’d personally keep the good-enough job if it paid $85K higher than my other career prospects.

      (Alas, I followed my dreams and went into communications and, though I don’t regret my choice one bit, it will be a few more years of hard work and a bit of luck before I am making 6 figures.)

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