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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Loft has been my go-to source for office blouses for as long as I’ve been working in an office. This black floral shell would pair nicely with a white blazer and a black skirt for an end–of-the-summer look. It will also go beautifully under a jewel-toned blazer this fall and winter. In my experience, ruffled plackets like these can get a little wonky in the dryer, so you might want to air dry this, or be prepared to steam out some odd wrinkles.
The top is $49.50 at Loft and comes in sizes XXS-XXL in 5 different patterns.
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Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
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- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
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- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Ellen
Yay Elizabeth! I love this Loft Sleevless top, and at less than $50, it’s a real bargain! Great pick!
I am so glad you have posted early b/c I am finishing up a reply breif for the Court and then am taking off early for the Hamtons with Myrna. She drives, so I can bill while monitoring my iPad and responding to emails while we drive. I am a little behind on my billing b/c Grandma Trudy’s IBS has been all consuming for Mom, and even Dad is concerned. So if it takes 4 hours to get out there, I can bill all of my 53 active cleints 4 hours, giving me a quick 212 hours to close out the week. The manageing partner can then add his own 25% uplift for reviewing my bills, so that’s another 53 hours, and his rates are even higher then mine, so the incremental cash flow for me just keeping my iPad connected to the server while we drive out to the Hamton’s will be VERY profitable to the firm and me. The manageing partner went out with a mass email to all of our cleints with our new billing rates effective after Labour Day. He will be @ $1,100/hour, and I will be at $975/hour, so this is the last time we can bill at our current lower rates. YAY!!
I still think I’m worth more, but the manageing partner says since I am only 40, I will have plenty of years to bill over $1000, especially given the recent inflation. I wish I got to keep $975 for every hour I bill, but I must share with the firm as a partner. Next year, my Dad says he will negotiate for me becoming a SENIOR partner! I can’t believe it, as now I will be looked at as one of the oldsters, and I still think of myself as a young attorney! Well, life marches on and I don’t even care today that I have no steady boyfreind, buy mabye I will find one this weekend in the Hamtons! YAY!!!
Anonymous
I signed up for a CSA box from a local farm and wound up with a bunch of different kind of peppers this week. Shishito, serrano, jalapeño, anaheim … a bunch. Other than making salsa, is there a good way to use up a ton of peppers?
Anon
Stuff them with risotto and roast them.
IL
I also got flooded with peppers from my CSA!
I use the sweet varieties to make pasta salad with orzo, feta or mozzarella, and cherry tomatoes. I also scattered pepper slices and shredded kale on a frozen cheese pizza a couple of times in the past two weeks, which was a big hit. And you can always stir fry peppers with tofu or sirloin and serve over rice.
AIMS
The adobo made from Serrano peppers in this recipe is one of the best things ever. Very easy, keeps well, works on all kinds of things (eggs, fish, you name it) and you can even freeze it. https://people.com/food/chicken-tacos-recipe-rick-bayless/
Wallflower
Slice up all the peppers and roast or sauté them. You can serve them with sausage for Sausage & Peppers or blend them to make a roasted pepper soup
Anonymous
lomo saltado! traditionally it uses ají amarillo peppers but i’ve found it’s still equally tasty with anaheim, jalapeño, and a couple of sweeter peppers like red or orange bell peppers.
also could slice them up and freeze them for later use in stirfries or pasta.
Anon
For shishito peppers – really easy and fast to “blacken” them and you can eat them on their own. Grab a high heat oil – avocado is what I used for this yesterday – get the pan piping hot, dump them in and stir occasionally and actually let them not just soften but char a little, add salt and pepper during the cooking process. Takes maybe 5 minutes. They’ll be soft and spicy and awesome.
Anon
+1 I would also squeeze lemon on top if you have it. Delicious!
Curious
Make chili! CSA peppers make the BEST chili. Use them instead of the green peppers and cayenne typically recommended. Keep the chili powder.
(Just don’t use habaneros. Ask me how I know.)
IL
This is a great idea! I’m now soaking beans to make poblano chili tonight.
anon
Pepper jelly! you can mix and match a bunch.
Anon
I make large batches of black beans. Peppers also freeze well for cooking later. Wash and chop them, stick ‘em in a ziploc bag.
Aunt Jamesina
You can pickle them or make the spicy ones into hot sauce.I also like roasting peppers and keeping them in the freezer.
anon
I am using my bumper crop to make a chile simple syrup. I’ll use the syrup in cocktails and Mexican hot chocolate
anon
Cut them up into omelettes with cheese and onions
NYNY
Migas is a great variation on this! Cut or tear corn tortillas into bite-size pieces and crisp up in a little oil in a non-stick or cast iron skillet. When the tortillas are crispy, add diced onions and peppers, season with salt, and saute until softened. Scramble some eggs and grate a little cheese while the veggies saute, pour in, and cook to your preferred scrambled egg doneness. Texans make migas into soft tacos in a flour tortilla, but I usually just eat them as is. Proportions are flexible, but I do 2 tortillas to 3 eggs with half a medium onion and 1 serrano or jalapeno. Scrape out the seeds if the chiles are too hot.
Anon 2.0
– Cream cheese stuffed anaheims
– Chile rellonos if you have poblanos
Anon
I love to saute/fry the shisito peppers in a very small amount of hot oil, salt them, and eat them as-is as an appetizer.
Anon
Also, like 9/10 of them will be quite mild and 1/10 may be quite spicy. It’s fun to try to figure out whether you can identify the spicy ones by shape.
Anon
All of this student loan forgiveness stuff got me wondering about why childcare workers are getting pushed to get college degrees. You don’t need a degree (or even an AA degree) to be a parent. Won’t making people get BAs just have them leave childcare and go into teaching or some other field that pays substantially better? Like the good chains in my city pay a paltry hourly wage + benefits, so teaching (starting 50K + benefits) or an other degree-requiring job will pay quite a bit better and now the door is open to all that. A lot of workers are already parents and are not 20-somethings, so unless they are grandfathered in, they will likely be pushed out (and I bet new workers entering the field won’t happen b/c now so many more options are open). Can someone explain why this makes sense? Being a private nanny would also potentially pay a lot better.
Anon
Re: working as a nanny, yes it pays better but then you have to work with an individual family. A lot of people would rather work for a corporate daycare center where if you have an issue you involve the center administration and don’t have to deal directly with the family. Same reason lots of families prefer daycare even if they could afford a nanny.
I agree with you that childcare workers don’t really need bachelors degrees, but at least in my city a lot of them don’t have them. I’m not sure what you mean about getting pushed out or what loan forgiveness has to do to with it. A college degree can easily be $50k+ even from a state school. The fact that $10k is eligible for forgiveness doesn’t really change that college is still really unaffordable for most people.
Anon
In my city, this is a current local issue and a lot of press is how 1/3 of borrowers’ debts are wiped out by this, mostly WOC, including daycare workers who may have some college credits but never finished but have loans. Currently, a lot of students take transferrable CC credits one credit at a time and then finish up 1 credit at a time. Sounds great? Except that daycare workers often work a FT day job and then a PT job (often after-school nanny for families they knew with school-aged kids), so how to you work in college except with remote learning, which seems like the least helpful thing to a hands-on profession. It’s a lot to put on busy people who often rely on the bus to get around.
Anonymous
DC just put a requirement for some child care providers to have associate’s degrees, and though I don’t fully agree, I saw a councilmember explain that it’s an equity issue — they wanted disadvantaged kids doing headstart or other low-cost daycare situations to be able to learn from professionals the same way that private preschool kids do, so that when they go to kindergarten they aren’t behind.
Anonymous
Do they think people without an AA don’t know the alphabet and their colors and shapes?
Anon
There is a lot to child development that early educators know. And good early education makes a big difference in kids lives.
Anon
I don’t think it will shake out that way. I think training daycare workers is good, but our high school’s vo-tech program did a good job preparing student to do this work in high school. More training is good, but IDK whether college makes sense vs giving workers PTO to go to workshops on specific topics and making sure that rooms for older kids have fresh supplies of books (which are IMO consumables for small kids vs adults). Child care is expensive (even low-cost daycare) and IDK that this will do anything but make it harder to find workers for.
Anonymous
Meanwhile in Ohio you now don’t need more than a high school degree to substitute teach – doesn’t feel right at all.
Anonymity now
Yes, there is a shortage of substitute teachers – why would you require a degree and exacerbate the shortage? My college student niece filled a critical need when she substitute taught for a month after finishing her college classes in May.
Aunt Jamesina
I’m a former high school teacher and I think this is fine. Sub shortages were bad even before Covid. I basically just wanted a sub that would be able to follow through with my short instructions and make sure my students came out alive (and um, not be drunk slash accuse a student wearing a hearing aid of faking his hearing impairment, ugh!). Although long-term subs (like for a medical leave) ought to be certified teachers.
Anon
It happens because most politicians have degrees, are friends with people who have degrees, and think that people without degrees are drooling idiots. Many people who use daycare also have degrees (the ones who make very little money tend go stay at home, because their salaries don’t cover the cost of daycare, and ghat overlaps with education).
So very self-selected groups get up in arms and put forth expensive mandates (both cost and opportunity cost), woth no consideration as to how this affects real people.
Anon
Agree that people with degrees think that those without them are idiots. I worked for an old-school chain-smoking newspaper editor who came up through the ranks and it tells you what an idiot I am that I was so surprised the he didn’t have a college degree. I shouldn’t have been. Back in the day, typical high schools actually taught grammer and writing and he probably knew more than most people do now.
Anonymous
Yeah, instead of pushing everyone to go to college perhaps we should actually educate them in high school. I am shocked at the lack of rigor in my daughter’s public high school courses. The honors courses have less content than I’d expect from a regular middle school course. Honors freshman and sophomore English required exactly one essay per year–the one on the state test. These kids are all taking IB or AP English junior year and they are in for a rude awakening.
Anonymous
No they aren’t. Those designations are meaningless in many schools now.
Anon
Exactly. I appreciate the actual expertise of my kid’s daycare teachers – many of whom are in their 20 – because they love kids and are really good at things like making the alphabet fun. I don’t think many of them have degrees and don’t care if they don’t; they are good at their jobs.
Anon
Private nanny pays better but then you get no benefits and are often asked to do chores like dishes. I feel like the degrees make people feel better about using daycares, like it makes the teachers better, but beyond a few training classes it seems entirely unnecessary.
Aunt Jamesina
A lot of daycares also have an integrated preschool curriculum. At the daycare my kid attends, we have a degreed classroom teacher with non-degreed assistants.
Anon
But how does it matter for infant care or potty training in the 2YO room? I wonder if anyone asked daycare teachers about this? Or if you’re 20, is it “I will get enough credits to get a BA while I’m working and then make sure it is in a degree in a field like nursing or teaching or even accounting that will pay a lot better and will jump to that when I am done.” A lot of women who do this are working moms, 30-50, and those are exactly the teachers who have experience > education and I don’t want to drive out of the field by adding to their costs and burdens.
Anon
I do think there are basics of infant care and potty training that many people don’t know. Plus things like what is developmental appropriate, behavior management, etc. It’s not all instinctive. It definitely doesn’t need to be a degree though.
Seventh Sister
I agree that there are basics (and changes!) that many people don’t know. One example from the toddler room – biting. Unless you’ve been around a lot of toddlers, you wouldn’t know that 1) toddlers bite one another and other people with some frequency, 2) the reasons are things like “I want that toy” as opposed to “I’m being kidnapped by a serial killer”, and 3) it’s a developmental stage where they need to be redirected (not punished) which passes over time.
Anonymous
I agree. I would rather see a license type program vs a degree requirement. They don’t even care what it’s in- just a degree. I’d much rather my kid be taken care of by someone who has passed a $5k (or less) course in safety and childcare vs someone who has a 4 year degree in math or philosophy.
I think of childcare workers like EMTs. I want my EMT certified and practiced, not carrying a degree in visual arts.
Anon
I took a NOLS class and good practical training in a thing is so, so great. Signed, a major in one of the few mushy degrees that doesn’t require even statistics. CPR, AED use; hygiene; safety. Until daycare, I didn’t know of the hand-washing sink vs the food-prep sink. Now, I don’t like people to wash their hands near food. So much splashing.
Seventh Sister
My kids attended a preschool that couldn’t get the state’s highest preschool rating because the head teacher in the PreK room didn’t have a BA (which was required by the rating authority). To the school’s credit, they realized that the head teacher was excellent and it was worth getting dinged on the rating to keep her as head teacher. That said, it was a preschool with a long waitlist and a good reputation, so they weren’t scrambling for students.
Another thing to consider is that in many states, more and more public school are offering PreK and/or preschool for 3-4 year olds. In order to get the PreK and preschool teachers paid as teachers, there is a push to make those teachers have BAs so it isn’t perceived as “unfair” to the K-12 teachers in the same system.
Honestly, I think it’s overkill, but what politician wants to be accused of doing “less” for children?
Lily
Parenting doesn’t require a BA because you can’t legally stop people from reproducing. But to adopt a child, in many states you do actually have to prove that you have ample childcare experience or studied how to be a good parent in lieu of actual experience.
I personally think any profession where you have to care for someone should require ample training. Some people are very talented at caring for others, but most aren’t. To me it’s more about the potential for a non-trained, non-talented person to accidentally do harm.
Anon
I’m fine with this in theory, but then we need to pay them accordingly. Daycare is already more expensive than a mortgage in many states, so how would people be able to afford that? Will the state pay the difference?
Anon
It should!
Anon
I live in a city that I like most of the time, but it is not a “cool” city. Which is fine; I’m not a cool person! But I get caught up in what my life could be like if I were some kind of glamorous city hopper. Probably doesn’t help that I work remotely in tech and a lot of the people I work with seem forever on the NY/LA/SF circuit.
From what I’ve observed, even in the popular cities, someone is always complaining that the city is over or isn’t what it used to be anyway. Also, those cities seem more transient so you have to deal with new friends coming and going all the time.
…So I guess the answer is to just learn to be happy where you are? Ha. Anyone else ever feel this way?
Anonymous
I don’t have a picture in my head of a “glamorous city hopper.” A life spent traveling to NY, LA, and SF doesn’t sound remotely appealing to me. It sounds tedious.
I’m saying that merely to point out that there is nothing inherently desirable in that lifestyle. To some people (me!) it’s even an undesirable one. However, there IS something in it that speaks to something in you. Can you identify what that is (other than those specific metropolitan areas)? Are you longing for . . . adventure? A sense of glamor? The escaping feeling you get when you walk into a nice restaurant and you’re dressed well? Meeting new people? Getting to get on airplanes and going somewhere? The feeling that you are among people who are stylish, enviable, beautiful, intellectual, well-traveled, etc?
The longings you’re feeling are pointing to something that’s happening inside you. It might be anything: something spiritual (you are longing for meaning that you’re not finding in your current life), it might be something more on the surface (you’re bored and feeling like you want to be young and free again), it might be something painful (you never felt cool growing up and are still trying to fill that hole and be accepted).
Anon
I live in a small not “cool” city (state capitol) that has had a lot of fair share of challenges. I, however, do not like large cities and actually love my little not cool city bc it feels like a small town. I love being able to go places and usually see someone I know. I love being able to quickly get outside of the “city” and have lots of natural resources to explore. I love the beauty of the rural areas that surround the city. I love the low cost of living. I love the life I have built here over the last 17 years. I am on a coast so I do have easy access to four big cities if I want them but hardly ever do.
So yes, the answer for me has been to embrace the things I do like about where I live instead of thinking about what it lacks.
Anonymous
A nice thing about the transient nature of those cities is that it’s easier to make friends. I once lived in a city where most people had lived in the area their entire lives, as did their parents and grandparents and so forth. It’s hard to make friends as an adult anyway, but it’s especially hard when everyone in your neighborhood has known each other since childhood. And there were financial barriers too – they have legacy memberships to country clubs and other social clubs that now have exorbitant fees to enter plus high monthly fees, so it’s hard to find social outings with your neighbors because they’re always at the club.
I’ve never been a huge city kind of person, I don’t like the noise and congestion, but I also don’t like smaller cities that can be kind of incestuous. Still looking for that perfect balance!
Anon
I live in one of those cool cities. It’s great sometimes but honestly, the day to day grind of big career means a lot of the “cool” stuff isn’t experienced. Lots of pros for sure – great food, access to shows if I can find a chance to go – but it’s also super expensive and high stress. Overall I love my city, but I don’t think I’m necessarily happier or more fulfilled than I might be somewhere where I could slow down a bit and take advantage of where I live more, even if it isn’t as hip as where I am now.
Anonymous
+1 – I live in a “newly cool” city (Nashville) and I miss the sleepy city it was 15 years ago. I don’t have time to enjoy a lot of what the city has to offer because of work and kids, etc., but it’s more expensive and the traffic is crazy and there is just always pressure for more. I’m not leaving, but I also think it’s more fun to visit cool places than live in them.
No Face
I grew up in a cool city, so I am aware of what my life would actually be like. Tiny expensive housing, long commute. Raising kids would also be an expensive hassle.
I live in a small “uncool” city. Going anywhere takes less than 15 minutes. I never have to look for parking. My house is more space than we need, but costs less than a studio where I grew up. My public schools are great and walking distance from my house. But there are still great restaurants, arts, museums, etc.
I visit my hometown and other cool cities frequently. I get to live it up there without the daily grind, then go home to my easy life.
Aunt Jamesina
This is why I love Chicago. We’re considered flyover country bumpkins by some of the coastal set and either hardened or glamorous city folk by those from other parts of the Midwest.
Being “cool” is overrated anyway.
Anon
Ha, I totally cosign this as someone in Indiana for whom Chicago is most definitely cool.
Chicago is the best of both worlds IMO (except for the weather). Great restaurants and theatre scene, tons of stuff to do, but affordable cost of living and the traffic isn’t bad compared to the west coast cities. If I could live anywhere, I would live in Chicago (well in the burbs, because I like having a big house).
Anon
Enjoying the amazing 70 degrees today in Chicago. I’d like to think 14 year old me would think I’m cool living in a cool city even though my day to day is pretty boring by some peoples standards and I’m very very uncool! I grew up near a coast city where most people are from that city/area, have lived their whole lives there, and have never moved out of the metro area. In Chicago I’ve meet about an equal number of people who transplanted here (including myself!) as have lived here their whole lives. Its a big city and there’s a lot to do – if you want and when you want. But I don’t think there’s a pressure Too Be Cool and Glamorous like there is in NYC or LA.
I just came back from visiting family who live very rurally too a very small college satellite campus city, and I’d say it’s a cool place! It’s small, you leave the downtown area and there’s farms, but because the people and community are invested in making it cool it’s cool! There’s a weekend farmers market that’s packed, thriving craft beer scene and restaurants, lots of concerts, local events, and local sports all year round, and tones of all season outdoor activities. Is it glamorous insta jet setting bustling city living? No. But lean into your communities, find people who are passionate about where they are, recognize a nice insta photo as just a photo
Curious
And Seattlites think Chicago is “out East” or even “the East Coast”, which makes me die laughing every. time.
Aunt Jamesina
Wow!
Curious
Also — Aunt Jamesina — any word on RSV? How old is baby now?
Aunt Jamesina
She’s on the mend! Thankfully she’s at grandma’s today so I can catch up on work. Thanks for asking.
Curious
Phew :):) best of luck! I’m glad she’s feeling better.
Grace
Oh definitely. I live and work in a college town (which is very nice!) but many of my coworkers are at big city offices (NY, SF, Boston, etc.) and have been pretty rude and dismissive of the office I work in. Comments like “why would you live *there*?” I just ignore them. Note: I love visiting big cities, especially NYC, so not a city-hater at all.
That being said, I live within a longish train distance of a big city and I do think that has a lot of perks, as I can choose to go to the big city whenever I want.
Anon
I moved from a large coastal city to a small college city and hate it. It’s not about glamour; it’s about complacency. While it’s true that the key to joy is being happy with what you have, and it’s a good thing that people can have good lives (college, stable job, house, marriage, kids) without getting trampled in a rat race, there’s a lot of “this is enough, don’t deviate from the script, and there’s something weird about you for wanting more” going on.
To me, the issue is how people embrace and seek out opportunity, which affects how “cool” you think your life is. Let’s say you live in Kansas City. If it’s easy to find friends who suggest going to Chicago over a long weekend, seeing the Art Institute and the Field Museum, you’re going to feel like your life is cool even if you only go to the Field Museum once a year. If you go to the great ski resorts in Colorado every winter, you’re not going to feel less cool than people living in Denver. But if your life, and the lives of people around you, are perpetually “Union Station is nice enough,” your life is going to be boring.
Are you someone who is just coasting and feels like she should be doing more? Do you want to do more and just need a cool friend to drag you along? Are there interests that you don’t pursue, hobbies that you aren’t doing?
Anon
Uhhh, Kansas City has a great art museum and a lot to offer beyond that, even if it is not Chicago. It’s true that skiing in a challenge though.
anon
Was just coming here to say that (I’m not even from there.) And unlike the Art Institute (Chicago), it’s manageable in a day, easy on the feet, and easy to get to. So it all depends on what you’re looking for, how much energy you have to expend, and so forth.
(I’ve been to both, by the way, or I wouldn’t have spoken up.)
Anon
You’re making my point for me. If your entire attitude is that you don’t neeeeed to ever plan a long weekend in Chicago to see world-class museums because you have a good-enough art museum right there in town, you’re the reason that people feel like those cities are where their joie de vivre goes to die. But if your attitude happened to be that KC has a lot of fun things to do on a regular basis (no one can run full tilt all the time), but it’s important to expand your horizons and occasionally see world-class art or enjoy the best skiing America has to offer, well, we might understand each other.
Anon
It is possible for people find “joie de vivre” outside of going to museums or skiing. I find it in plenty of activities that I can do anywhere… but then again I can tell that we wouldn’t understand each other, and it’s not because I’m boring.
Liza
Haha what on earth is this comment? Sorry but 99% of people can’t tell the difference between the Artist of the Moment displaying in Kansas City and the one displaying in Chicago. Likewise most zoos have the same animals. Likewise most performers headlining musicals are pretty dang good, whether in NYC or KC.
It’s silly not to recognize that most cities of cities of 500k+ have excellent museums. There’s certainly no reason to live in a city the size of Chicago just for museum access. The issue for most people isn’t whether they have access to a great museum, it’s actually having the time and interest to go.
Aunt Jamesina
I hate skiing, are my horizons too small?
Curious
Aunt J, you’re in the Midwest; your horizons are huge….and very, very flat 😆
I think I’m very funny.
Aunt Jamesina
Hah, Curious, touché!
Duckles
Learned my lesson after moving to soulless mid-size city (that I’m overall still very happy I moved to!) when someone asked how I liked it and I responded something like “oh I love it! It’s a bummer the arts scene is so poor so that’s something I miss but otherwise it’s great!” And they were OFFENDED because they did not realize their arts scene was so bad. (It’s bad for a city of its size, not just compared to NYC).
Aunt Jamesina
I can agree with some of your points, but there are plenty of people in cool cities who just coast and never take advantage of the opportunities and experiences around them. I don’t think it’s fair to believe that people in less popular areas are any more complacent any more than people from other areas, it might just be more noticeable.
Anon
Eh I live in bumblef*ck and go to Chicago for a day or weekend ~6-10 times a year and don’t think my life is cool. Going to a city for a day is very different than living there.
Senior Attorney
I think the key is to find a city that fits you. I live in a smallish city that is 15 miles from Downtown Los Angeles and I just love it. My son hated the whole L.A. area and just moved to a small city in another state, where he is deliriously happy.
Curious
+1. I’ve lived in NYC, Chicago, and Seattle. Struggled to make friends in the first two (though I love them both), fit right in with the crowd in Seattle. I found three lifetime friends my first two weeks here. I have no need to jetset now that I feel I fit.
Duckles
Or, consider moving! No city is perfect but get an Airbnb and spend a month in a “glamorous” city and see if you feel revitalized and excited or stressed and worn down. Make yourself do life things (grocery shop, workout classes, etc) and not just fun “vacation” things.
-team, moved out of glam city because I am team “worn down and stressed” but it makes visiting it for a weekend quarterly actually more fun.
Anon
So I’m a native New Yorker, from an outer borough, and a not particularly trendy neighborhood. Most of my friends either grew up here or settled here permanently as adults. We are in our early 40s and have kids. It’s a wonderful place to live (and raise kids) but in no way would our life resemble what you’re probably envisioning as “glamorous city hopper lifestyle.” The fancy people you are thinking of move out to the suburbs or back to their home states by mid-30s to mid-40s and are replaced by the next crop. They usually don’t hang out with us native New Yorkers — we cramp their style.
Bette
I feel this SO DEEPLY. It seems like every six months, my partner and I debate whether we should try to relocate. We do the pros and cons of staying vs leaving, then we try to really focus in on what’s behind the cons and identify other ways to address those without uprooting our lives… We realized that some of the things we feel like are missing (cultural diversity, more/better restaurants, new friends) – might exist but just are not obvious or readily accessible so we have to make more of an effort to seek them out. Others (music, theater, art) we just need to keep prioritizing when we travel to “cooler” locations. Same with outdoor adventures – there’s probably a lot within 1-2 hours drive that we just haven’t tapped into.
Our current plan is that once we’re done having babies and have a little more financial liquidity, we’ll find a way to spend our summers somewhere else (either renting a summer house or buying a second home) since we both have the ability to work remotely in the summer.
I still daydream about having a “cooler” life somewhere else but also remind myself realistically that there are pros and cons of every lifestyle and happiness comes from within. It also helps to remember that I grew up in a suburb of a big cool city but still my family rarely went into the city or actually took advantage of what it had to offer because of the traffic, expense, hassle, etc.
Anon
I’m in a “cool” city and have done the NY/LA/SF circuit, though I’m in finance, not tech, so maybe not what you’re speaking about. I don’t feel cool 99% of the time. I occasionally go to the symphony or opera or ballet or an in-demand restaurant, but most of the time I’m grocery shopping or cleaning or commuting, just like everyone else. If I’m driving through a touristy area and not noticing that I’m doing so, sometimes I remind myself that people take major vacations just to see this, but most of the time my mind is elsewhere.
I never think the city is “over” though. When I first moved to my city in 1988 people were already saying that. It’s just jaded talk.
anon
I travel a lot for work to all the “cool” places but live in Texas. I enjoy the travel (although not in the frequency that I currently do it) but I also love home and definitely don’t want to do elsewhere. Be happy where you are but you can also get new experiences/explore through travel or means less disruptive than moving
Anon
DH is having two issues that are creating issues for me. 1. Is not able to sleep reliably, so is always irritable and grumpy, wants to sleep in whenever possible (the the dog won’t walk himself tho)(needs sleep study? better daily sleep hygiene? beyond my power to figure out but I have the blessing of being good at sleeping, which is great, but has created such added family burdens when it matters)(also: if you have to take meds to sleep that make it so you can’t drive or operate heavy machinery, you can’t reliably care for another person (or can you? should you? not a fan of doctors who just dope you up vs fixing the underlying problem)). 2. Cannot reliably hear things. Lately, with a family medical crisis, this all came to a head in a bad way and now I’m so sad that if I ever became sick, DH would bluff that he was hearing important medial things when he wasn’t and could not care for me b/c he’d be running on fumes, not hear me need help, or get so snappish and mean I’d beg to go the ER and wait it out there. You’d think this would have been his come to jesus moment but now he’s just relieved it has passed, learning nothing in the process.
Vicky Austin
This post is very hard to read.
I would suggest getting someone else to walk the dog – you, kids, neighbor kids, paid dog walker – and being understanding about the sleep thing for a bit (presumably he WANTS to sleep!). And also a frank conversation about how his current approach is not sustainable and could endanger you or other family members.
Anon
What is going on here? This is very stream of consciousness and confusing.
If your DH isn’t sleeping well, have him see a professional about it. The solution may be anything from better sleep hygiene to 3 mg of melatonin to more intense interventions.
Hearing loss? Have him get checked out. Is this a hearing issue or a sleep deprivation issue?
Get a health care proxy who is able to function. That can be a friend or a family member. It’s not your DH.
Allie
I agree – you need to give a healthcare proxy to someone who is not your DH. You may also need to take other steps for yourself in this situation – hire a dog walker etc. It’s time to start taking care of your needs that DH is unwilling/unable to meet right now.
Cora
So about the sleep you have to do something. I don’t know where this complex about doctors doping you up is coming from, but with something like sleep it can help to get enough sleep in whatever possible so that you have enough focus and energy to figure out what needs to be better – maybe anxiety, maybe better sleep hygiene, etc.
Anonymous
It sounds as if the doctor just gave the husband sleep aids that are making him hung over and useless, instead of doing a sleep study. In this situation I would demand a sleep study.
Anon
Yea as someone who actually truly needs a sleep aid and for whom Ambien works great without side effects but who can’t get a single doctor to prescribe it for her, getting doped up is my fantasy land that doctors won’t let me live in.
Anon
I’m just gonna throw out that your dh may react and pay attention more if your health is involved than a random family member (unless it was your kids).
Anon
IDK what did it, but my dad’s hearing loss was a bit of a family running joke. He now has hearing aids and has to get the wax removed from his ears periodically at the doctor’s. It has made such a world of difference. My mom has them now also and I never noticed it with her (with him: volume up to MAX to where you could easily here it on the sidewalk before you turned to the walkway to get to the house).
Anonymous
Had a similar situation with my DH regarding sleep and ignoring obvious medical issues that were impacting me. After many ‘gentle’ conversations in which I pointed out how it impacted me, asked him to seek help, offered to go with him to doctor, etc (none of which did any good) I finally told him I would be sleeping in another room until he got some help for his sleep issues. It was not a threat, just a statement that this was what I needed to do for my own health. And I did it. He was really not happy with that, oh well. He still did not seek care until he ended up in the ICU – I had to call an ambulance for him. My point is that sometimes -sadly- it takes a crisis for some people to change. I hope this will not be your situation but be prepared in case it is.
Anonymous
He might not be listening because of how poorly you communicate. I don’t even know what the ask is here.
I would have him talk with a doctor about a sleep study first. If he is not sleeping well, then it can interfere with attention and memory. It may not be a listening issue so much as never taking in the info to begin with, especially when stress is layered. I use a CPAP and it is life changing.
Anon
I literally laughed out loud at the first sentence. Harsh, but maybe some truth worth considering.
Senior Attorney
True story: Many years ago I became convinced that my first husband had a hearing issue. I went so far as to make an appointment with a hearing specialist, and it was only then that he admitted he could hear me fine, he was just tuning me out. Ouch.
Vicky Austin
At that point, you throw the whole man out! (I know you did, SA; but oof, that’s straight off the AITA Reddit page.)
Jules
The converse to SA’s story. My grandmother raised 10 children (actually, both of my grandmothers did) and did not realize for a long time that she was suffering from hearing loss – she was just so used to tuning everything out!
Anonymous
I will say, as someone who has a lot of trouble sleeping, no one wants to not sleep/not sleep well!! It seems to be genetic for me; there have been times on family vacation that I run into my dad and my aunt at 4am in the rental house because we’re all wide awake. We’re wired this way, and it’s not something better sleep hygiene will fix. Running on only a few hours of sleep, and having to do all your normal stuff, is difficult, so of course it makes him irritable. When I have insomnia, I’m usually awake from midnight until 7 am so when my 7:30 alarm goes off it’s terrible. So, I don’t think he should then have to get to abc walk the dog. Can you swap dog walking shifts? He walks at night, you walk in the morning? Hire someone to walk the dog in the morning?
As for the hearing – obviously that’s another thing he can’t control. A lot of people are reluctant to admit their hearing loss at first for pride/fear of the disability/fear of aging reasons. I think he will eventually come around to hearing aids or other assistance but he needs to get there himself. I have a few relatives with pretty severe hearing loss and I feel for them – despite everyone’s best efforts they miss out on like 50% of conversations around them. I can see how that’d ne scary in a medical context; can you start requesting print outs of doctors notes? If it’s an extended family member, what about an email chain to relevant relatives after each appointment updating everyone and making sure everyone is on the same page? My family does this often: when grandma is in the hospital her kids/in laws/grandkids take turns there and everyone emails out what are essentially shift notes after: did she eat? Did she sleep much? What did the nurse or doctor say? What can someone bring her?
Anonymous
Just an aside, I got a consult for a sleep study/sleep apnea test almost a year ago, and have still not been able to schedule the sleep study. I think the centers have been slammed during COVID so it may take a while to get a diagnosis.
CHL
I’m sorry you’re going through. To me, these are things that happen to people outside their control, but the issue is how they respond and whether they are attuned to the impact it has on their loved ones and trying to make it better. So, obviously losing your hearing is unavoidable (ish) – but making your partner feel afraid for safety bc you’re too proud to deal with it and pursue a reasonable solution is a problem. Same with the sleep- I feel for him but is he doing everything he can (sleep study, hygiene) etc. to make it better? It’s like the weed convo yesterday – they have to right to do what they want for themselves but when you’re in a marriage, your partner has the right to expect you to show up and do the things you need to do for your own care to do so.
NYNY
I know how hard it can be to have a SO with sleep issues, and I sympathize. My DH has always been a night owl, but he has a really hard time falling asleep even when he’s tired. During the pandemic, his sleep schedule kept drifting later and later, and now he often doesn’t go to bed until 5 or 6 am and sleeps until early afternoon. Sometimes my alarm is going off when he’s coming to bed. He’s self-employed, so he doesn’t usually have scheduling issues, but it makes it so hard to plan anything other than late afternoon or evening events.
I did finally convince him to have a sleep study, because even after he sleeps, he claims he doesn’t feel rested. We’re waiting for the results now.
No real advice, but I see you and understand. I hope that’s something.
Anon
Along the lines of the hearing loss. I’ve learned that hearing loss greatly increases the risk of developing dementia. Depending on mild versus moderate versus severe loss, were talking x2 to x5 more likely to develop it.
Only you know what’ll motivate your husband to make change. I have a similar tempered husband, if this were or becomes me, I’d point out facts like this to help support that it’s a concern and that I need him to take it seriously with a medical professional.
Anon
My middle-aged tinder profile is going to be “I just wear glasses to read; I can sleep fine and hear and expect you to do the same.”
Ses
Lol
Anonymous
Your husband is a terrible person and he is doing all of this at you. I don’t think you should get a divorce, but instead denigrate and belittle him for burdening you with these illegitimate and highly inconvenient (for you) medical concerns, both privately and publicly. Do you have children? Snarky side comments to them about their father’s inadequacy as a parent and husband can be very cathartic from.my observation of how common they are in marriages. If you can set up some opportunities to have a friend or couple over and mention this regularly in a cutting way during an otherwise nice meal I find it makes social interaction a lot more interesting and fun for all, too. That way you can feel like you are gathering forces on your side and you don’t have yo bear this unfair and unbearable burden alone.
anon
I really hope OP picks up on the sarcasm here. You wrote a nice, succinct Wrong Response Playbook!
First Period OP
I posted earlier this week about my ten year old having her first period and I wanted to come back and say thank you to everyone who shared their experience and thoughts. With all your encouragement, I talked her through putting in a tampon and she was really great with it and said it was super comfortable. Until she wanted to take it out five minutes later, so she could go to bed. That was hilariously traumatic because the tampon hadn’t been in long enough to be saturated enough to come out easily and it took a while for us to get it out. (Like I was totally Charlotte in that episode of And Just Like That. Meanwhile her little brother was opening unused tampons and playing rocketship with the applicator. It was truly one of those bizarre evenings of parenting) Anyhow she’s decided that she doesn’t want to use a tampon- I told her it’s always an option and she can revisit it whenever she wants. In the meantime I’m going to check out the period swimwear folks recommended.
Which is all to say, my ten year old and I have a somewhat tempestuous relationship, but I think thanks to a lot of the wise words here, I feel like this week she and I reached a certain level of trust and openness.
Thanks to all you internet strangers!
Happy Friday!
Anon
Aw that’s great. She’s lucky to have you as a mom.
Anon
I feel her pain! And as a mom of kids who went through this at 10, I feel your pain. Being female ain’t for the weak.
Anon
You are an awesome mom! I am just chiming in to say – tampons completely weirded me out until I was in high school or maybe even college, I did use them for swimming. So even if it’s period underwear or pads most of them time, your daughter might be open to tampons in that one instance.
NYNY
You did great! Thank you for sharing the follow-up.
Vicky Austin
Aw, that’s wonderful! Thank you for sharing with us!
Anon
That’s great! I hope she’s not traumatized by tampons for life though (curious why she didn’t just leave it in instead of taking it out? Dry tampons, ouch).
OP
Yeah- it was a certain lack of foresight. She wanted to try it when she was getting into her pjs and then I didn’t think through that she was about to go to bed…. I’m hoping she’ll be okay! The putting it in was actually a lot less fraught than I thought it would be.
Anonymous
I missed the earlier post but my 11 year old daughter uses the period underwear from Thinx and they have been great.
Anon
I went back and read that thread (Tuesday morning post) since I have a 8yo daughter and I have never used a tampon myself. Bought my first period underwear recently and always used pads.
I learnt a lot. Did not know about Thinx and others being sued for chemicals in period underwear. Perhaps I should try Tampax pearl sometime in the next couple of years so I can talk to my daughter in an informed way about it! I know from reading those responses that I need to find something with an applicator, and that not everyone is shaped the same way so I might need to try different ones!
Anonymous
Do any of you do LEAN consulting? I would like to get into it but I’m not sure where to start (I’m lean certified).
anon
If you don’t get answers here, you could try on the Ask A Manager open thread today.
Anonymous
Thanks!
Anonymous
Are any of you LEAN/Agile consultants and would you be willing to chat with me about how to get into that? TIA!
anonchicago
They are very different things. LEAN is big in a manufacturing context and took off in the 00s in professional environments. I have a LSS certification from a decade ago and it seems that wave has crested, but some of the key principles are still helpful and applicable to consulting or transformation type roles.
Agile seems to be mainly an IT thing and from what I know about it, has no overlap with Lean. It’s a project management methodology whereas Lean is a way of improving processes. My DH has a few Agile certs for work on large IT implementations and will go off on this after a few drinks with his tech bros because supposedly Agile means very different things at each company.
Traveller
Although I am extremely terrified at the moment, this post is a heartfelt thank you to all of the posters here in this hive, especially Curious, Walnut and others that have shared their medical journeys.
Over the past number of months, I had been seeing blood in my stool off and on. In May I finally worked up the courage to talk to my primary doctor about it. He speculated that it was most likely just hemorrhoids but that I should get a colonoscopy to rule out anything else.
Through a series of delays getting insurance approval and missed appointment due to Covid, it took until this week to have the colonoscopy. I had the colonoscopy on Weds where I remember little other than hearing the words “large rectal mass”. The doctor spoke to my husband and I that tests would be expedited and more referrals coming my way.
Yesterday afternoon I got the call confirming that I have colon cancer. I am going for a CT scan today and I meet with an oncology team next week. I just turned 45 a few weeks ago and have no other risk factors or symptoms.
I am so scared right now …. however I can say with absolute certainty that I would not have taken it seriously without having been a part of this community. I have been a daily reader but infrequent poster since 2009.
Thank you! And go get your colonoscopy done if you have been putting it off.
❤
Anon
Oh sending you love!
Anon
Oh goodness, sending you all the good vibes and hugs
Anon
Oh goodness, sending you all the good vibes and hugs
Anon
Sending good thoughts your way! I remember your prior posts, thank you for the update
Anon
Sending you hugs and good thoughts. I’m glad you’re getting the care you need.
Anon
My husband is having similar symptoms but putting off an exam due to work. Your post is the push I needed to make it happen. I am going to drag him to the doctor ASAP.
Hugs, and good luck to you!
Anon
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this but you should be proud of yourself for taking care of yourself! The good news is, colon cancer is very treatable. My dad is a 20 year survivor. Best of luck and hugs to you.
Vicky Austin
Oh my gosh, I’m so, so glad you were brave and that this community could help. Keep us posted. Wishing you strength!
Mrs. Jones
Oh no. Good luck to you!
Anon
Oh my gosh! So glad we helped and sending you all of the good medical juju I have.
Senior Attorney
Oof! I’m so sorry you are going through this! Big hugs from this internet stranger!
Anonymous
Sending you good vibes. Hang in there. Was diagnosed at 45 as well. Different type of cancer with a year+ of tests, biopsies, surgeries, etc. Accept all the offers of help, stay off dr google, and get a second opinion if you need to. I’m almost 10 years out now.
Anonymous
+ 1 – Diagnosed at 40. The beginning is the worst part – so much uncertainty and waiting. Agree with the above – stay away from google and lean on your people. They want to help.
Nylongirl
Hugs & good thoughts to you!❤️
Anonymous
Good luck! We’re all rooting for you! So happy that you made the call to check.
Curious
Oh dear Traveller, I am so sorry. Diagnosis is one of the hardest and scariest times. We are here for you. I am so glad you got the test. Keep us posted on your journey if you have the energy and desire.
Anon
So sorry to read this, OP. Wishing you all the best and hope you will find health & full recovery! All will be scary at first, then scary and unfair, then scary and painful, but hope your situation will turn for better soon along the way. Hugs
pugsnbourbon
I’m so glad you got the test. I hope your scan today helps create a path forward. We’ll be thinking of you.
Aunt Jamesina
I’m so sorry you’re going through this and so glad you sought out the care you need!
Ses
I’m sorry you’re going through this! Sending good vibes your way.
Anonymous
I’m so sorry. Wishing you comfort and strength!
Anon
I’m so glad you have answers – wishing you all the best as you confront this! From one long time reader infrequent poster to another, I’m grateful for this community too.
Coach Laura
Sending tons of love and support hugs.
Jules
Sending you love and strength.
Go for it
Glad you went for testing~ Sending all the
love ❤️
Anon
Oh hon, I send you lots of love. Thank you so much for letting us know, and please keep us posted. We are pulling for you.
Walnut
My heart goes out to you. If you want to chat specifics, please post a burner email.
I am so, so proud of you for escalating this with your doctor and I’m sending good vibes as you go through next steps.
S in Chicago
Sending you hugs. Colon cancer patient here diagnosed at 47 with no symptoms or risk factors as well. (I was a vegetarian for 20 years!) I was diagnosed literally about a year ago. I know it’s hard, but the next few weeks are going to take some patience as they sort out next steps and schedule surgery. The important thing is the colonoscopy has gotten you on a path to treatment now. If you need someone to talk with any point or just an email buddy, please post a burner. Sending all the good vibes for good scans.
Anon
Adding kind thoughts and good vibes. 48 and family history. My dad was diagnosed in 1990 and made it through multiple health issues caused by medical malpractice and cancers for 12 years after diagnosis
I was set to go last week but had such vertigo and crushing migraine where someone was grinding my skull bones I couldn’t makerebooting! I never had vertigo before but I could barely sit still and had serious nausea. Imagine it the morning of colonoscopy …..Any recommendations from others welcome because now I’ll be rebooking!
Anon
So sorry to hear that you are going through this. A few things that helped me (different kind of cancer, age 30) were:
(A) stay off Google is great advice if you can do it, but if you can’t (like me) then remember that all of the statistics online are out of date, because the treatments are advancing all the time. So the numbers you are seeing will certainly be worse than your actual projected outcome (sometimes by a significant amount). Tell your family this too because they will be doing the same thing.
(B) similarly if you end up going down a rabbit hole on Internet forums, many of the posters on there are sadly and understandably people who are still struggling with the disease and/or side effects. So it may seem disproportionately bad, whereas the people who have come through and/or didn’t have bad side effects are not posting on those forums.
Walnut
My husband was the researcher for all things cancer. I just couldn’t deal with the influx of detail most of the time, so it was important for my husband to have an outlet that wasn’t me. In our case, it was my brother who was happy to be deep in the research rabbit hole with him.
Anon
I was also just diagnosed this year at 42 with stage 3 colon cancer. Had surgery and am currently undergoing chemo. Would love to connect if you’d like; feel free to post a burner email.
Hanging On
Sending you love!! I’m a long-time reader since about 2007 and rarely comment.
Anonymous Canadian
Sending so much love to you. You should be so proud of yourself for taking control of this situation.
JTM
Anyone have specific product recs for the following:
* A travel bag with the sleeve so that I can put it over my spinner suitcase? I have an Away Carryon and I like the Away travel bag but I don’t like that price, I’d love something similar but cheaper
* A cute cross-body or belt bag with a log strap that works for someone with a large chest? I see folks wearing them and I love the look, but I’m a 38J so I need a long strap! My friend suggested the Kipling Abanu multi but I’d be up for something slightly fancier as well.
Anon
Can you choose a cross-body bag that you love and switch out the strap for a longer one?
JTM
Ooh that’s an idea I hadn’t considered – thank you!
Anon
Just a plug for springing for the away travel bag, I’ve tried other bags and that one actually works perfectly with the matching luggage. It ended up costing me more trying to find a dupe.
Anon
Ha I was going to recommend the Away one, I really like it.
Anon
I’m also pretty big-chested and a size 16. The Lululemon belt bag works well for me.
Anon
Not a belt bag, but your standard cross body – I’m a 38GG and plus sized and tall, and this one is long enough for me. Nothing worse than a cross body that hits you too high!
https://www.portlandleathergoods.com/products/mini-crossbody-tote
(this company was a recommendation from one of the posters here when I was looking for a cross body!)
Anon
I actually love my Beis mini weekender bag.
Anon
I’m in denial that it’s still summer and want to get the spooky season started right. Any recommendations for good horror books? I don’t like a ton of gore— more psychological type horror.
Anon
Tender is the Flesh is the most horrifying book I’ve ever read. It is a very good book, but very disturbing. It deals with gory subject matter but I didn’t find it overly gory in its descriptions for the most part, though, like I said, it is disturbing. Idk if that is the kind of horror you’re looking for, but you could check it out.
OP
This looks right up my alley! Thank you.
Anon
OMG this book, the ending- one of the most disturbing things I’ve read.
Anon
The Woman in White — the original 19th spooky mystery story!
OP
I’ve read this one and loved it! A good reminder to go back and explore some of the oldies :)
Vicky Austin
I LOVE Wilkie Collins. OP, have you read Rebecca?
Anon
Mexican Gothic was a perfect read for me this time (well, October) of the year last year.
Azalea
Yes this is what I was going to recommend too!
MDanon
The Only Good Indians. Starts off slow, builds to an intense and haunting final act.
anon
Anything from Riley Sager or Ruth Ware.
Anon
The Apartment by S.L. Grey is so scary and I still think about it years later!
Currently reading Ill Will by Dan Chaon, which I’m enjoying and is definitely a psychological thriller trip.
Cat
Devil in the White City isn’t billed as horror but definitely serves it.
anon
Before I Go To Sleep from S.J. Watson.
Jules
I second this rec.
Anon
The Hacienda is another one that’s good – in the style of Mexican Gothic, but I may like it better.
pugsnbourbon
I love horror novels! I just re-read The Shining and Jerusalem’s Lot – the Shining was better than I remembered. If you haven’t read Stephen King’s short stories, many of them are excellent.
I have a bunch on my to-read list, so I can’t vouch for these just yet:
Ring Shout
String Follow
We Should Have Left Well Enough Alone
Her Body and Other Stories
Devil House (author is the lead singer of The Mountain Goats)
And a half-dozen things by Stephen Graham Jones
Lydia
Her Body and Other Parties is amazing!
anonshmanon
no book recommendation, but the Xmas decorations at my local costco have me yearning to put up that tree! So hello from another poster who wants the season she can’t yet have!
Liza
Behind Closed Doors by BA Paris is a crazy psychological thriller. I HATE horror and kind of read it on accident, and it still lives in my head rent-free years later. Oops.
NancyDrew
Highly recommend anything by Grady Hendrix (bonus: one of his books, My Best Friend’s Exorcist, will be a streaming series on Amazon – I think – in September!) or Barry Lyga’s I Hunt Killer trilogy.
Nesprin
House of Leaves.
Anon
I posted the other day desperate for a new psychiatrist…thank you so much to whoever recommended Washington Nutrition Group. I got in with a female psychiatrist next week and feel a huge weight as been lifted!
None of their therapists were accepting new patients so that is my next step as I need a new therapist as well. I’d welcome any recommendations for female therapists in DC/Northern Virginia who take Blue Cross Blue Shield Highmark insurance! I’ve only ever been to a psychologist, but willing to try out those with other credentials as well. (P.S. I have a high deductible so I can’t go to someone who just gives a receipt for me to self-submit to insurance because I will never get any reimbursement. Been there, done that.)
Anonymous
Is there such a thing as a therapist who is part of an insurance network? I thought they were all self-pay.
Anon
Mine takes insurance. Not my current insurance but she took the one I had at my last job!
anon
Every therapist I have ever been to takes insurance. That said, they are few and far between and rarely accepting new patients, which makes it tough. I think it’s easier now in the telehealth era, though (that’s how I found my current provider who does take insurance).
Anon
Mine takes insurance. She’s also incredible and I feel very lucky to have found a unicorn, basically.
Curious
Many are moving to self-pay because insurance is a nightmare. I believe you can still submit their bills to insurance for partial out-of-network reimbursement. For me it clawed back 30% of the cost.
Carrots
That was me – so glad you got in to see someone so quickly! I’ve been there where you’re just ready to do it and being able to get in and not lose that momentum is so important!
Anon
Thanks so much, Carrots!
NYNY
Going to travel across the country again next week to move my MIL into an assisted living facility. It’s a huge win, because since my FIL passed away in March, she has been hospitalized three times for heart failure and she’s having trouble taking care of herself. For those of you who have been through this, what do I need to know or think about? This is all new to me.
anon
Find out what services they are providing. Find out how to get sundries to her. Find out if they have a social worker on staff. Find out about staff turnover and staff vetting (criminal records, etc.). Find out who will be your main point of contact when another major medical issue happens, how they will contact you, etc. You don’t want to find out that your MIL was hospitalized twelve hours after the fact. Find out if they arrange for doctor’s appointments and transport and someone to accompany, or if you need to hire someone. Find out how often they do other checks (vision, dental, hearing, nutrition). Find out how much of her things she can bring (books, blankets, any small furniture) or if the place is furnished.
Senior Attorney
Speaking of doctor’s appointments, my parents got signed up with an HMO that specialized in patients who lived in assisted living. The nurses and doctors all came to them and they literally never had to leave home to get medical care. Also, fun fact that I didn’t learn until way later than I should have: Being in assisted living is a “qualifying event” and you don’t have to wait until open enrollment to change medical insurance.
NYNY
Wow, I work in healthcare billing and did not know this counted as a qualifying event. MIL has Medicare and a very expensive supplement, so I will look into switching asap!
NYNY
This is a great list – thank you! I know a few of the answers, but not all of them. Totally using it as a checklist.
Senior Attorney
Good luck! It’s a hard job but glad your MIL has agreed!
My best advice is to throw money at the situation. When I was in your situation I hired a company to do the actual move. There are companies that specialize in just this kind of move. All my mom and I had to do was put stickers on everything: Green for “move to assisted living,” red for “trash/donate,” yellow for “goes with Senior Attorney.” The decision-making part is hard enough and it was awesome not to have to do the physical part. And when they did the move they unpacked and set everything up as close as possible to how it had been in the old place, so that was great, too.
When we did it, my mom was staying at a nursing home (I guess we got a day pass to do the sorting). I’d suggest maybe getting a hotel room or two for you and your MIL mom during the packing so she doesn’t have to be living in the house as it’s dismantled around her.
Hugs! This is very hard but she’ll be much better off once it’s done!
Senior Attorney
Oh — the assisted living place will probably be able to recommend a moving company.
NYNY
Thanks SA! We’re nowhere near ready to empty or sell the house, but we’re cataloging a bit after we get MIL out and installing security. It will be expensive and time consuming, but we have the good fortune to be able to put it off for a while.
It really is a huge relief that she’s moving. My husband’s aunt went to visit recently and found the front door wide open and MIL was asleep!
Annie Nominous
What a relief! Make sure you understand the full menu of support available to you (help showering, lunch delivery to the room, cleaning the wax traps in hearing aids, etc.) so you can add support as needed. In your meeting with the nurse on staff, ask questions about how you/they will know when the next step of care is needed. In many cases (friends/family), we’ve seen that people wait to long to move to the next step of care and only do so after a fall/accident. Furnishing her room with pictures of family gives the resident a way to share their life with the staff that interact with her (we made a cheap picture poster of attendees of her last birthday bash and had a picture of the family farm hung). Find a way to keep things handy for the resident (set up an end table next to the favorite chair with phone, paper, etc., or add a catchall to the walker for things she likes to keep handy. Good luck! I hope it brings peace of mind to all involved.
Cb
Can I request a pep talk? I have an interview for an academic job next week – I’m currently TT at a university a plane ride away from my home, which is surprisingly fine logistically, even with a little kid. Some annoying flight delays, but my kid, husband, and I are all happy with the current arrangement. Equal parenting for the win!
But I’ve been shortlisted for a comparable job closer to home (2 hour bus + train commute). A year ago, I’d have been over the moon, but I’ve really enjoyed my current job and would feel bad about leaving so soon after starting. Plus, the commute doesn’t seem loads better than my current set-up. But with the cost of living crisis, fluctuation in flight prices, etc, this is truly better option.
Any recommendations on pumping myself up? I can speak really compellingly about teaching, research, but I don’t have a good answer for the “why here?” beyond the “I don’t want to fly 2x a week!”
For additional context, I couldn’t convince my husband to move to work city, and would likely struggle convince him to live his country idyll that is our current town (reducing my commute to new city). So either way, it’s a not great commute. I could stay overnight in the new work city though, if I needed to.
Anon
It’s not the right job for you. I’m going to be blunt about it – you will eventually tire of that commute and will want to move to a tenure-track job close to where your husband wants to live.
Anon
As someone also in academia who has faced similar issues, I think the “why here” question is just cruel and I hate it as both an interviewer and interviewee. Because there are an extremely limited number of jobs in the field and so anyone but the biggest of superstars doesn’t have much choice? As long as you sound like you know something about the university (as in don’t talk about loving to mentor grad students at an undergrad only institution), I actually think it’s perfectly reasonable to say you want to be closer to family, in addition to some bs about your research and teaching being a good fit. Our university often has trouble with failed searches and people leaving, so knowing that someone wants to be in the area is really a plus, but this depends a lot on the university and location.
Anon
+1. Not in academia myself, but my husband, parents, and a bunch of my in-laws are so I know a lot about that world, and I agree with this. Perhaps it’s different at a university in a big, glamorous city that everyone wants to move to, but at my husband’s university in the middle of nowhere in a red state, people leaving because they don’t like living here is a huge problem. So it’s a big plus to a search committee to hear that someone has family ties to the area or has lived here previously and knows what they’re getting into when they move here.
Anon
Having been on many TT search committees at my previous R2 in not exactly the middle of nowhere (one of our recruiting refrains was “we’re within an hour’s drive of [much more exciting and cultured town]!” I second this. It’s a feature, not a bug. But as the previous poster said, make sure that the main focus is on the good fit.
anonshmanon
I would reframe the intent behind the question a bit. You can mention that being closer to family is a plus, and it shouldn’t at all hurt your chances (unless this is a toxic ‘who wants a personal life when they could do research?’ environment).
But if I am asking this question, I am looking for some clues that you have learned a bit about the kind of university/department and know what you are getting yourself into. This could be tons of things, whatever stands out to you. Different student body from your current place, different scientific or teaching emphasis of the dept, structure, political climate, funding situation, mission. There are no guarantees, but ANYTHING that shows you put a bit of effort into considering whether you could be a productive colleague in the long term (and gives me a bit of reassurance that I don’t have to hire your replacement two years from now because you decided to move on), is good. My greatest desire at this point is hiring someone who can do a good job and will stick around.
Anon
Sounds like it is not the right job for you, don’t talk yourself into it!
Ses
Try to find something to love about the new job, (if you can’t find anything then it’s probably not a great fit). Like, does working with the other instructors in that department excite you for any reason? Are they involved in any projects or programs that are interesting? Are there other departments that interact with yours and the collaboration interests you?
What’s their reputation for? Does any part of that appeal?
if this opportunity is good at all, this will help get you pumped and also give you answers for the interview that are genuine and come across well.
Ses
If that fails, I have a colleague who does jumping jacks while grinning insanely whenever he’s prepping for public speaking. Try that 😂
Cb
Haha, love it! I think the student demographics (more working class, etc) and the city appeal, they are a bit short on my sub field but I’d rather be a unicorn than one of many in the herd.
Anon
Frivolous question – what kind of boots are people wearing this fall/winter?
Cat
dress – Aquatalia suede knee high (flat), have served me well for 6 winters now and still look current IMHO thanks to almond toe
casual – continuing with lace up styles from last year
Panda Bear
As long as its dry, I’ll wear ankle height Chelsea booties (leather, almond toe, low heel). For wet and slushy weather, I have ten year old rubber hunter boots that I still love.
pugsnbourbon
Blondo makes waterproof Chelsea boots. Just in case your Hunters give up the ghost :)
Worried
I love la canadiennes knee high flat suede boots so much, my husband bought me a spare as a gift. I have a shorter lacan boot that is also suede, and looks like a Chelsea boot, but has a zipper. I wear them with tights + skirt + sweater or sweater dress. I also wear them on long four hour + walks. They are much more elegant than I need at work or for weekend walks, but they are more supportive than most of my hiking boots have ever been. They are the warmest, most comfortable, most waterproof boots ever. I find them on sale at the lacannadienne online store.
Anon
Feeling excited because I’ve finally made up my mind that I’m leaving my husband. No abuse or anything like that – but after 7 years of marriage, I just cannot stand living with him anymore. I plan to keep all of this to myself for the next two or three months while I get organized and look for a new place to live. We have no kids and a prenup so I’m hopeful it won’t be too terrible. I’ve re-read (and appreciate) the advice posted here a few weeks (months) ago about what to do first (talk to a lawyer, gather copies of important documents). Any other advice or things you wish you had known if/when you were in my position?
Senior Attorney
Make sure you have a good financial war chest. You’ll need cash on hand to get the new place set up so if possible move a good chunk of money to an account only you can access. When I left I very scruptuously only took half the cash on hand and in hindsight I wish I’d taken more (I needed it more because I was starting a new household from scratch) and let it sort itself out in the settement process.
Anon
Good advice. We have no joint accounts, so its just been me squirreling my own money away. Like most things, I’m sure the whole process will cost more than I expect, unfortunately!
Senior Attorney
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it’s worth it!
Anon
I did this 16 years ago. Best decision I ever made – since then, we’ve remarried other people, had 6 kids between us, and are generally far better off than we would have been together. But of course, at the time, it was hard. I have no suggestions on how to make it better, but here were some of the hard parts for me, just to have on your radar.
He was completely blind-sighted and went into a depression / self loathing spiral. I felt sorry for him and responsible for ruining his life – that guilt hung around for a while.
He and my family were close – they were never, “on his side,” per se, but he initially leaned on my parents for emotional support since his family of origin is crap, and that sucked since I didn’t want to share them. I also got some guilt from my parents who’d paid for a fancy-ish wedding a few years prior. Granted, part of the reason I went through with the wedding initially is because I felt guilty about my parents losing their deposits (I know, I know!) …
Our friends circle was pretty closely wound, and I ended up the bad guy since I’d initiated the divorce and lost a lot of friends. Things got easier once he moved out of the city we’d lived in together and I moved into a new neighborhood – it took a while to establish a new life separate from him, and not surrounded by daily reminders of our failed relationship.
Finally, I made some truly terrible decisions about who to date in the immediate aftermath. I’d been with my ex since I was 19 so never really dated as an adult – and I was BAD at it. Nothing terrible or life altering happened, but trying again with high-school boyfriends? Terrible idea. Drinking too much a work trip and having a one-night stand with a coworker? Terrible idea.
Best of luck to you. It’s hard but so much better on the other side. Life is to short to be a relationship that makes you miserable.
Anon
I did this as well. Best decision I ever made. My ex was very self-absorbed and pretty oblivious, so didn’t even notice that I managed to buy a house and have most of my stuff discretely packed before I ever told him I was leaving. If your husband is similarly oblivious, take advantage of that trait (for once… it normally drove me up the wall) to get as much planning as possible done before you leave.
Do tell an IRL friend if you can – someone who you know has your back and also can keep their mouth shut.
Five years later I’m in a much better place. Hell, three months after I split I was in a better place.
Anon
Oh I am right there with you. I told my husband 4 weeks ago and tomorrow he (finally) moves into his own place. This is a difficult, weird time, but I am trying to believe that thigs will eventually be better.
Anon
First, congratulations. I left my first husband after 6.5 years because I was dissatisfied with my life (with him), and likewise we did not have children.
You may need to adjust your tax withholdings immediately after divorce (or right now?) – depending on what tax year your divorce finalized, you will be responsible for that tax-year’s worth of “single” withholdings, which may be different than your married rate. Taking a partner off the mortgage was the worst for me (I kept the house), a hugely painful experience and, for me, the divorce needed to be finalized before it could be done (so don’t set up the divorce paperwork to say your partner will be off the mortgage immediately). Maybe this isn’t an issue since you talk about moving out.
I’d put together my asset list, as most divorce paperwork requires it (even with a prenup, I think)? I can’t help re: lawyers because we did it ourselves, and without kids it was considered a dissolution. I probably got the slightly worse deal, financially, but it was worth giving up $5k-10k to just be done. I’d say I “lost” money when I didn’t do the analysis of profit from ‘selling’ the house, which I kept. I didn’t include realtor’s fees or anything in my calculation, I just gave him half the asset worth (less current loan amount).
I started really caring about financials after my divorce, doing quarterly check-ins with my own savings, checking, investments, and retirement accounts. (I personally don’t keep track of my assets – car and house, but you could). I think it helped me see that, yes, in general I was still growing my accounts and living in my means after my divorce. Frankly, I didn’t think a lot about retirement before that, but I was also mid-20s when we divorced. I am very grateful, years later, that I started really hunkering down, saving for retirement, and keeping myself honest with what I was doing with my money. Note: I was not nitpicky about day-to-day spending as I saw a ‘good enough’ growth rate of my money. YMMV.
One other thing – my husband and I shared 95% of all of our friends in a single friend group, which became a very sticky situation post-divorce. It was awful. Start leaning on your specific friends, because it sucks a lot to realize you didn’t diversify and now your friend group is only available to you 50% of the time – or less, depending on if they ‘pick sides’.
Again, congrats, best of luck, sorry this sucks.
Anon
My first husband and I got married right out of college and had a few good years then several bad ones before we finally decided to divorce. I was the one who pulled the trigger – we had talked about it before, both acknowledged it wasn’t working, but I was the one who finally said I had made up my mind – which he has continued to successfully portray as me being the bad guy for over a decade now. And you know what? I don’t care. Worth it.
anon
I WFH and love burning candles. I’d like to try brands other than Bath & Body Works and Yankee Candle. I’ve been looking at the Homesick candles. I’ve heard good things about Hotel Lobby candles, but are they worth $56?
Azalea
I love Anecdote candles and Otherland – both an upgrade from target/BBW but not crazy expensive.
Anon
No experience with that, but I’ve been enjoying my Keap subscription as a nice treat. If I had unlimited $ I would burn Diptyque Feu de Bois all the time…
anon
SAME. I got a new job last year and celebrated by buying a giant Diptyque Feu de Bois 5-wick candle. Just looking at it makes me happy. Also, PSA they make a feu de bois roomspray that is not available in the US but you can buy on Amazon, highly recommend
Anon
You might have been the person who recommended the Keap subscription to me. A year or so in and I’m still really enjoying it! I do the seasonal candles but my favorites have been Isle of Jasmine and Green Market.
Chl
I love the Minnesota homesick one in the fall!
Nylongirl
I like Aromatique brand. The grapefruit is my favorite. Also the Voltivo brand.
anon
I’m a huge candle person and highly recommend splurging on a Nest 3-wick. They are fail-safe and you won’t regret it.
Anonymous
Stonewall Kitchen has relatively affordable good quality candles.
Paige Westley
Well the comments are very different than the blog post! But there is so much going on in the world today! How can there not be so many different things going on! With that being said, looking for something to calm down in all the chaos! Any book recommendations for taking some time to yourself / personal development?
Anon
Ma’am, this is a Wendy’s…
Anon
Ha!
BelleRose
Recommendations for non-stick pans that are actually non-stick?
Senior Attorney
I love my Le Creuset Toughened Non-Stick. Non-stick and also oven safe to 500F.
BelleRose
Don’t think that’s in the budget (yet), but could be convinced if it’s a true investment. How well has the non-stick lasted over time?
Senior Attorney
I’ve only had it for a couple of years but it’s still like new (disclaimer: I use my enameled cast iron most days and only use the nonstick a time or two a week).
anon
I actually just bought a three pan set from Costco (kirkland brand) that has worked far better than I expected. I use it to make scrambled eggs and zero stick. I generally do not spend a ton on non stick pans though, since the coating always wears off in the near term.
BelleRose
That’s been my experience, having non-stick pans be semi-disposable.
pugsnbourbon
Agreed. I just find one in a fun color at TJMaxx when the old one dies.
anon
My family is full of cooks and really likes hexclad pans.
PolyD
I bought a set of Henkels pans from Costco. They seem to be holding up pretty well.
anon
I’ve been happy with my Cuisinart pans. I don’t put them in the dishwasher and they’ve held up well.
BelleRose
thanks, everyone! still more research to do, but thank you for giving me a starting point!
AnonNoVa
I recently bought a scanpan nonstick and love it.
Anon
I am generally not a fan of non-sick pans, but my wife made a convert out of me when she bought a Swiss Diamond nonstick skillet. After several years we bought a larger one because we like them so much. They wear beautifully.
Anon
What colors can I wear with a pinkish-coral and cream patterned blazer? I don’t have any tan/camel. Grey, turquoise, navy, purple…? Thanks!
Anon
Navy, more cream, more coral
Worried
This may work with olive green, blues— both light and dark, as well as darker tones like burgundy and eggplant.
Anon
Birthday gifts ideas for a close sister-in-law? It’s not a milestone birthday, but she’s been really great this year, and gave me a beautiful necklace for my daughter’s first birthday. In the past, I’ve given her Kate Spade stuff, hunter boots, not sure what she’s into right now, books. Mid-thirties, lives in Chicago, has a youngish kid, so getting out for events takes a bit of coordinating, doesn’t wear a ton of jewelry, can buy herself what she wants.
Anon
Gift certificate to a local bookstore?
Liza
I love a nice blanket as a gift – like UGG or Pendleton. Everyone can use a blanket but it’s not something anyone is likely to spend hundreds on for themselves.
Bonnie Kate
Maybe a fun art print? Do you share a favorite tv show like Schitts Creek, Yellowstone, Friends, etc.? If so, search for whatever television show prints on Etsy, then put it in a frame. I did this for my BFF with a Schitts Creek Moira print and it was a huge hit.
SheFit Promo Code
I’m a bit late to the thread today, but hopefully this helps someone! SheFit is giving 40% off their Ultimate sports bras today with code USB40. I think it’s only good for today, 8/26.
If you have a larger bust and smaller rib cage but haven’t tried SheFit, definitely give them a try! I’m a runner that wears a 32G and these are the only sports bras I’ll buy. They’re super adjustable and keep everything in place for higher intensity workouts. I’m sure I sound like a shill, but they really are awesome and 40% off is a pretty good deal, so I wanted to share!