Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Glen Plaid Short-Sleeve Sheath Dress

311 Comments

1. Reminder!

   For hive members in and around the Philadelphia area, we’re having a summer happy hour and you’re invited!

   When: THIS Wednesday, June 28, 2017, 6pm until ??
   Where: Uptown Beer Garden, 1735 Market Street

   RSVP at gingery87 at the mail of G if you’re interested. First timers totally welcome!

2. Would you get engaged to a 31-year-old man who makes minimum wage and has no savings (and who is trying, thus far unsuccessfully, to break into a niche field that is more personally fulfilling, but also low-paying)? I’m wondering if there’s such a thing as someone making too little money by a certain point in their life. This is my friend’s situation and she has her own savings, some family money, and makes more than him, but she mentioned the other day that she was worried about some aspects of their future, like being able to buy a house together or support kids. If they did those things, it would be 99% from “her” money and she is not 100% sure he would be on board with that (he’s generally fairly egalitarian, but still, I would guess it would sting to contribute essentially nothing to a huge purchase or lifestyle change). Any thoughts on this situation? I’m just curious what others think and have no intention of telling her what to do with her relationship, although if you have any success stories to share, I might pass those on.

   1. I wouldn’t. I really value security, and planning ahead, and frugality, and no savings would be a big issue for me. I can absolutely see why people value following their dream and hustling and that’s great but it’s not for me.

      1. Same. I think someone on here called me shallow for this viewpoint, but I value stability, financial security and a true partnership in contributing to a joint lif and lifestyle. I just can’t get serious with someone who doesn’t take these same goals seriously and hasn’t made successful strides in that direction.

   2. I personally would run far in the other direction screaming absent some context from his life ( ie did he grow up in poverty / disadvantaged? If so this changes the calculus) I have no patience though for people who grow up with advantages / in stable environments though and make conscious choices to live this kind of lifestyle and would not want them to be in a position of trust in my life.

   3. Personally, I wouldn’t. For your friend, if she and her partner are both OK with the idea that, as you said, 99% of future costs would be financed by her, and they are otherwise happy, I see no reason she should hold off getting engaged if that is what she wants. On the other hand, if either of them isn’t happy with that arrangement (you said the man might want to be more egalitarian about it), then it sounds like she isn’t going to get the lifestyle she wants from this relationship.

   4. If the genders were reversed, I don’t think that anyone would bat an eye.

      Throw in some family money and it seems to be a no-brainer.

      BUT, I will add, why does a 31-year-old make minimum wage? Is it b/c he is a harpist on the side and he doesn’t book a lot of weddings or lessons and needs the other job to live on his own? Is it low education attainment (if so, why: no $, poor early schooling, learning issues, or just no drive)? Is it that he has a PhD in art history but no ambition? If there’s no real story to the WHY of this, then if he is good partner material, he’s good partner material.

      If he’s failing at adulting (what I’m reading into this), that is an issue that the minimum wage job is a symptom of.

      I know plendy of GFs who married the cute neursurgeon resident who was a jerk to them and now they are divorced with kids and while the perks of being divorced from a guy who could fund a property settlement and child support are better than nothing, it’s still not great.

      1. Yeah, I think it’s mostly failed adulting – he didn’t really try in college because he thought “all he needed was the degree,” and has therefore struggled to be competitive in his niche field with a low GPA. He’s also really pretty bad at networking, which one potential employer told him specifically was his downfall. My friend has vented a lot about the job situation to me because she thinks he should find a different path at this point, but she does insist that she’s happy in the relationship otherwise. I know she sees some red flags, but I think she likes being with a low-key guy who makes her laugh. I agree that that’s really important (it’s a huge factor that brought me to my own husband), but I personally don’t think I could handle a no-savings kind of situation.

         1. I had a friend who worked at McDonalds in high school, before she was old enough to drive. By the time she graduated from high school, she was running shifts and would have been assistant manager material had she not been a minor. She definitely didn’t make minimum wage for more than the first couple of months. Had she not gone off to nursing school (where she worked at another McDonalds), she would have been promoted up and eventually probably would have approached for franchise ownership / more opportunities. She keeps in touch with the people in her hometown and knows the franchise owner and is always referred to as the one who got away.

            A 31-year old who still make minimum wage b/c he won’t take any steps to make himself worth more (and with a BA no less) is not someone who is marraige material for me.

            1. Yeah this stood out to me. My husband worked in a completely unglamorous field, but just by virtue of showing up, working hard, and being smart, he was getting pretty regular promotions …

            2. This is what I was thinking too. I know a guy from HS who went to college but really was not interested — but his parents made him go bc his 4 older siblings had gone and to them that was the only route. On the side though – in HS he worked at a grocery store; super efficient guy, hard worker who kept getting promoted. When he went to Rutgers he took up a grocery store job there too. Graduates college with a history degree — has no idea what to do with it, by virtue of his grocery store resume from high school, he gets himself hired at a fancy Philadelphia specialty market and again within a yr or so is the General manager of that. Eventually leaves the grocery business, moves over to sporting goods — and again manager of a sporting goods store and has been at that store for like 10+ yrs now. He made minimum wage in high school and after that has always made 40-60k/yr in various management roles.

               Sounds like your friend’s fiancé has no ambition. I’m not suggesting that these jobs will allow him to be wealthy the way people on this site are — but bringing in 60k is nothing to sneeze at either. These jobs look for ambitious trustworthy hard workers – people that can be trusted to open/close the store; handle cash; handle purchasing/interact with HQ etc. And if you are one of those people, you can move past $9/hr.

            3. I’ve had two boyfriends who worked service jobs well into post-college adulthood, but I never saw it as a red flag. One of my exes as working as a barista, but he was a manager, seemed okay financially, and when we were dating he got into a coding bootcamp; we’re still friends, and it’s great to see how far he’s come in the last two years. My current boyfriend has a stable, well-paying job now, but he did work for an ice cream shop when he was unemployed for a while, although he also got promoted to manager.

               If a 31 year-old guy has been an associate for a long time, hasn’t even tried to get promoted or get into a better-paying career, hasn’t gotten a fair amount of raises, or worse, can’t hold onto a job and always blames others when the job doesn’t work out, that’s an issue.

            4. I also wonder how he’s stayed at minimum wage if he’s honest and stays on task at work.

               I get that many jobs that need to be done don’t pay well, and I am not going to look down on someone for doing them. I also get that some people struggle in work environments because of medical conditions/ADHD/whatever, and I don’t hold it against them that promotions pass them by. It’s frustrating when I can see that they have so much more potential, but they are doing their part, and I would welcome them as family.

               But if he’s not getting promoted because of something that’s more of a character issue (“this isn’t my dream job so I won’t take it seriously” or anything like that), that would concern me a lot.

            5. +1000. We women who work hard do NOT need a schlub who can NOT cut the deli mustard, dad says. That is why he wanted me to dump Sheketovits. We professional women need and DESERVE guys who can bring home the bacon (if you eat Bacon, that is). Personaly, I want a guy who can support me and our children, and that is NOT goeing to happen if it is much less than high 6 figures before tax. Once tax is figured in, we need enough to pay the morgage and keep our kids in school. Some schlub who is NOT a success is goeing to depend on US, as women to work for them, and I say FOOEY to that. Beside’s no amount of $ex is goeing to make up for an small/empty bank account. We MUST stand up for what is right! YAY!

            6. Agreed! My partner is pursuing her dream of being a chef, while I have a much more lucrative job in software sales. She was making minimum wage when we met two years ago, but has now moved her way into a salaried position as a kitchen manager through talent and working her a$$ off. Minimum wage, to me, was always supposed to be an entry point, and being stuck there for a long time with no extenuating circumstances is a big red flag.

         2. In your shoes, I’d invite my friend to consider what marriage means to her. You don’t marry someone just because you’ve been together X years and don’t want to break up. You marry someone because they’re a good partner to you in the business of running a home, family, life, etc.

   5. This would concern me. Not because he makes little now but because he does not seem motivated to do more. When we got engaged, DH was in a crappy job making chump change. However, he was motivated to progress in his career. Most marital problems involve money and it is easy to be resentful if your partner isn’t contributing. My DH was sick for a while and could not work and we had quite a few fights about money.

      1. This. It’s the absence of motivation that’s concerning. A person’s lack of money or savings could be from a number of things–student loans, HCOL area, medical bills, some other extenuating circumstance-but a lack of interest in improving the situation is what’s scary.

         Adulting can be hard, I know, but if you’re not even willing to put in the minimum…

   6. Would not marry. Married someone making ~15/hr (in NYC) and it is a source of endless tension in our marriage.

      Minimum wage at 31 (unless there was some extenuating circumstance like a sickness) is a real red flag that he hasn’t advanced at all since being a teenager. I value being able to each contribute roughly equally to the household, and I wouldn’t want to go back to living like when I was 19 to keep that parity.

   7. I’d say she should only marry this person if she is OK with supporting the family financially, and he is OK with being the primary caretaker parent. If he hasn’t progressed past minimum wage at age 31, it’s likely he never will, because he lacks either the motivation, the ability, or the willingness to make compromises. In this scenario, it will make sense for him to be SAHD, which could be great, but only if both of them think so.

      1. Someone who won’t bother to adult is not someone I would want as the primary caregiver to my child.

         I have a SIL who is like this (except she hasn’t bothered to work in ~8 years and has a masters degree). I’d let her babysit but would never trust her as a primary caregiver and worry that it would normalize her life choices to my children when it was brought up how much she’d love to be our nanny and move in with us. Nope.

   8. Haven’t you posted this before? How long ago was that? How is your friend still so torn about this? Either she loves him soooo much that money doesn’t matter and she’ll be primary breadwinner for life or she is someone who wants a financially equal (or close to it) marriage in which case, no matter how hard it is now, she needs to cut him loose.

   9. I married a man in his 40s with an hourly-paying job and no savings. Combination of a lack of ambition and being a recovering alcoholic. I’ve never been happier. We’re kind of poor, but DH is now a stay-at-home dad who supports my career. I can go to any conference I want, take a job anywhere, spend as long at work as I want to or need to. Of course YMMV, but there are huge advantages to being a 1950s husband- ever wonder why the patriarchy didn’t want to let that go?

      1. Agreed, to some extent.

         I will say, though, most guys who have not progressed past minimum wage at 30 probably do not have the skills necessary to manage a household, which is real work. It takes the ability to think ahead, develop an organizational system, network with neighbors/parents, etc… all skills that generally pull you out of minimum wage jobs.

      2. Anonny, as I said above, my husband also had an hourly, unglamorous job. And now he’s a SAHD and I definitely enjoy the things that you’ve described. But at the same time, I never had any cause to doubt my husband’s work ethic, nor do I now that his work is in the home. Neither of us are particularly ambitious, but both of us are willing to work hard to get done what we know needs to get done.

   10. I married a man who I met in college. He struggled in school, pursued a “passion” job that is both low-paying and inherently unstable, cycling between being employed and working your a*s off and being unemployed. He supported me through law school though, and we’ve always been OK with me being the higher earner. On the other hand, I went through a few months of unemployment last year, and he worked hard and kept us afloat financially until I got a job. He is currently unemployed but is the primary parent (and an amazing father) and does the majority of the housework and cooking. It’s about being a team. I wouldn’t marry someone who has “failed at adulting,” or someone who seemed too selfish to do what was best for their family. But I wouldn’t base that decision solely on what type of job the person currently had–it would be much more of a discussion about values, ambition, willingness to support the other person’s career, etc.

   11. I married a man who makes less than me. I wouldn’t have liked it if I didn’t think he was trying. He does not love his career or find it fulfilling but he is realistic about needing to bring in a paycheck. (Basically he is an artist with a day job). It was nice when our kids were babies and he was able to stay home with them for a couple of years.

       However I do think a really good prenup is called for in this case. I would be particularly focused on alimony.

       Your story reminds me more of a friend’s situation. I would describe her husband more as a dilettante. He has a master’s degree in a really specific field, decided he didn’t like it after only a couple of years and has gone back to school a number of times to try new things – personal trainer, masseuse, healer…. at one point he even wanted to be a policeman. He also embarked on several other courses of study that he ended up dropping, which was expensive and in hindsight a waste of time and babysitting money.

       None of these are bad fields but the recurring pattern of working 2 years at something and then quitting to “find himself” would drive me nuts. I seriously do not know how my friend deals with it, but I do know there has been some serious tension.

       1. I have a friend who has done this. BS from a good school, followed by short stints at a number of things, none of which suited her. She has told me before that if she wasn’t married she couldn’t survive on her income alone.

          I gotta say, that would bother me in an SO. It would bother me in myself. I don’t need an SO who makes scads of money. I make a good bit more than mine in fact. But he doesn’t depend on me for food and shelter, and that’s important to me. Either of us could get laid off tomorrow and be out of work for a long time, and we’d happily support the other. But I wouldn’t agree to it as the baseline for a relationship.

   12. Is this just a thought exercise, or has your friend asked you for your opinion? I’d be wary of offering your unsolicited opinion to your friend about her relationship with her significant other.

       1. Unless “asking for a friend” is a term of art…

          1. This exact question has come up before . . . .

   13. I’m 28, and I tend to give people in my age group a bit of a break, to an extent. Working min wage as a temporary stop gap? Fine. Working a service job for years, and moving up into management? Fine. Moving back home for a bit? Fine. Not having a savings account right now because you used the one you had? Not great, but fine. We fall on hard times, stuff happens, we end up in less-than-ideal situations. But when it’s long-term, indefinite, and there’s no plan or even desire to improve one’s situation, that can be an issue.

       If I loved someone in one of those situations, and wanted to make a serious, long-term commitment to them that would involve living together and sharing finances, I’d have a conversation that started like this: “I love you, and I want us to ____, but I’m concerned about the impact that your ____ will have. If ____ ever happened, I’d want to be sure we can handle it, and I’m not comfortable taking this next step with you until I see you really _____. Is that something you can work on?”

       1. +1

          The economy sucks and has sucked for a long time. There are people with master’s degrees who can’t get a job. It’s reality. It doesn’t make someone a bad person or unworthy of being married.

   14. I met my husband when he was earning $25k a year in grad school and even now he earns substantially less than I do. So I’m fine with being the breadwinner. But earning literal minimum wage, except as a temporary thing while he goes to school or trains in a new career, would be a big red flag. As others have noted, even those who work at McDonalds and Walmart will quickly advance beyond $7/hour if they do a good job and work hard. The lack of savings would also be a red flag to me. My husband had substantial savings when I met him, despite never earning more than $25k/year. Even at that salary level, he manged to live well below his means and since frugality was important to me, it was another indicator that we were compatible.

   15. Yes, I would. Salary/income alone is not a breaking point for me. However…. it depends upon other circumstances – goals, motivation.

       My circles contain quite a few artists/musicians. Many of them were just trying to survive at age 30. It is crazy hard to have a career in the arts, and unfortunately we teach/train too many kids into thinking they can survive when the vast majority will not. And even the ones that do make it, still often struggle.

       That being said, one of my friends married a musician and finally left him as she admitted she wanted more stability/family/traditional male role for the father of her children. So she quickly married a macho anti-thesis of her artist first husband, and that marriage was a disaster (!). Her first husband became accomplished in his field….. even a bit famous. She should have waited…

       Another friend is a physician and married a painter. He is amazingly talented, and gets impressive commissions regularly, but could never support the family. They are crazy happy and have a wonderful, interesting life.

       Another friend is independently wealthy, so she lives her dream life of a musician herself. Successful, but making poor money which is irrelevant because of her wealth. She married another musician who is pretty good, but who would never survive as an musician with his desired career path without his wife’s money. They are very happy.

       I have many more examples.

       The deciding variables are….. can you as a woman be satisfied if your husband does not follow traditional male roles in your family structure? And….. is your husband still motivated/goal oriented in his profession, despite not making much $$.

   16. No, but no because of money. I would find the combination of not getting into the field and not moving on to something else from that failure by that age to be incredibly unattractive. I say not because of money because I wouldn’t have an issue being the primary (and nearly sole) breadwinner at all if my husband was in a low paying job that he really enjoyed (i.e., social worker, etc.).

   17. My SO’s parents have this dynamic, somewhat, and it’s caused a lot of tension in their marriage, but they kept it together and I’d call them a successful and happy couple today. BUT ALSO: the dad did pretty much 100% of the childcare, with 3 boys all within 13 months of each other; he also contributed a large swath of land handed down from his father; and then he built the family home on that land with his bare hands; and he also hunted to provide much of the food they ate chopped all the firewood to heat the house with a wood stove, and other things that saved them a lot of money. And it still wasn’t easy. So just contributing minimum wage without also contributing a place to live and money saving skills as a tradeoff? I don’t know…

   18. I did, when he started college for a degree that pays very well. He was also very good with money he had, very smart, and very funny. The other case when I would consider marrying someone without much job prospects is if I was in a high paying job, and could envision my husband being a stay at home spouse and parent. When my husband was in college full time, he did most chores including cooking, and it was so nice to come home to a well kept home and a hot dinner. That made me value home maker spouse so much more. Neither of us can afford to stay at home now, but if I earned six figure on my own, I would definitely consider him staying at home.

   19. I married someone who was earning very little, not minimum wage, but still very low. He didn’t do well in college. He was a “late bloomer” who worked seasonal jobs that allowed him to be outdoors. But he developed more ambition later in life and went to grad school and now has a great salary. Grad school was rough for both of us because we had to move across the country and leave all our family and friends. We lived on my salary for years while he was in school full-time. But I think you can make it work if he really is a hard worker and you share similar values and function as a team. But you should talk about your future and how you will make it work and what career options might fit him well. Some people just need someone to believe in them and say, “Hey, I think you could be great at this. This industry has great potential and fits you well for these reasons. What do you think?”

3. I’m not a fan of the cutouts for work. Even more so because I associate glen plaid with winter.

   1. Yes — don’t splurge on this one until you check out the back, which has a weird peek-a-book cutout, making the dress as a whole totally inappropriate for the conservative office to which one would wear the front of it! Really odd.

      Without the cutout (and at a lower price), I’d buy this dress in ten colors and wear it every day — love the sleeves and the longer length. Could be my uniform if it existed. Why is it SO hard to find something basic like this???

   2. Same. Kat says “There’s also an interesting cutout in the back that, for once, I think works for work, assuming no bra straps are shown when you wear the dress.” Sorry but I totally disagree – cut-outs are inherently flirtatious even if they expose skin that would be fine to show on its own.

      1. Every serious dress is like a mullet these days: business in the front, party in the back. If I need a costume change, I’ll take a costume change. No expensive mullet dress for me.

         1. hahahahaha

      2. I am not sure I buy into the notion that a cut-out is “inherently flirtatious”. That attitude seems a bit, Victorian, for want of a better word.

         1. It’s that slightly sexy glimpse of skin where you’re not expecting to see it. Fun, but not in a conservative office. And I agree the dress is a mullet that doesn’t work for anything, and $1500 to boot. Such a bargain!

            1. It’s for the Ladies Who Lunch set. Who else has $1500 to spend on a dress?

               I don’t think the back cutout is scandalous. Just unecesary.

   3. I don’t like cutouts in general! But I’m wondering, if this looked fine in front, could one wear a tank top under it so the cutout doesn’t show skin? Or is it still unprofessional?

      Also, I too associate plaid with fall and winter.

      1. I don’t know if a tank top would make it unprofessional, as such, but I think it would ruin the polished look of the dress.

   4. Wait, what do cutouts have to do with winter?

      1. I think she’s saying that fall/winter are too cold for bare skin. (I was also confused by that at first.)

      2. I meant that glen plaid seems more appropriate for winter when cutouts would not be practical because of the cold.

   5. I don’t think the cutout goes with the style/print of the dress.

4. On my self-evaluation, I’d like to brag about staying on top of my email. I learned the phrase “zero inbox” here, but I don’t know how to work it into a sentence. Could anyone help me with verbs and predicate? TIA.

   1. “I get to zero inbox every night before I leave.”

      I’d advise against mentioning it. Your getting to zero inbox doesn’t show a value-add to your employer. Being responsive does. Maybe mention that instead?

      1. +1. When I hear zero inbox, I think wow, that person wastes a lot of time filing emails. May not be true (as you may be efficient at it) but as a non-filer, for me to file I would lose another 3-4 hours a day given my volume of email. Being responsive though, that matters. And I don’t care how you do it (e.g., by filing all your emails or just by responding promptly).

         1. This is really not a fair assessment of people who get to inbox zero. I do it every day and probably spend less than 10 minutes “filing” emails. I wouldn’t even say that I “file” emails at all. I respond to an email and then delete it, or if it has information I need, I drag it to the folder for that matter, which takes the same amount of time as deleting it. When I hear people have a full inbox, I think they waste a lot of time looking for emails that should have a “home,” but maybe that’s not a fair assessment either.

            1. I think it’s that zero in-box isn’t an accomplishment that necessarily adds value to a company. She needs to show what she does in a way that sells her as a good worker and avoid things that suggest that she’s a busy bee. “Zero in-box,” standing alone, does not convey either and empty phrases suggest that she’s a bit all-hat-no-cattle.

            2. I agree – “Inbox Zero” isn’t a valid accomplishment on its own. “Prompt decisionmaking and responses” is the value add, not the fact that you have organized email.

         2. I get a significant volume of emails to day and spend no dedicated time ‘filing’. My habit of ‘inbox zero’ is automatic – reply to an email? it goes into client/deal/other folder that ‘s been set up. If there’s no folder appropriate, I create one (typically only happens as a new client/deal is brought on). It takes a split second decision for the email to be filed away.

            1. …but also concur it’s not something I put in a review. What’s notable about it is that I’m both super organized and responsive. That’s what I would tout in a self-review.

      2. There’s an old John Wooden (famous basketball coach) quote thats something along the lines of “Don’t mistake activity for accomplishment/achievements”

         I think inbox zero qualifies as activity, rather than achievement here.

         1. Don’t confuse motion with progress.

   2. I haver 6,787 emails in my inbox. But I am still productive. I don’t think that putting this down in a self review helps you. If those reading your self review don’t view “Email Zero” as a goal or associate it with being productive then they might just go huh.

      Personally if your email is at inbox zero…it might come across as – wow she probably has not enough stuff to do! That she has enough time to make her inbox totally empty. What a waste of time!

   3. You have all changed my opinion. Thanks!

   4. On a related note… how would you describe “there are ten people on my team and I’m the only one who can ever locate that important email we were all sent?” in a self eval?

      1. This drives me crazy! I’ve only ever had this problem with people who have jam packed inboxes. I don’t really care what people do, but it’s so annoying and inefficient when people can’t find an email.

         I’m not at zero, but I like to keep mine under 100. I spend maybe 10 minutes a day making sure things are filed before I leave for the day because I do most of it as I go throughout the day.

         1. I have 67,000+ emails in my inbox, and I am usually the only person who can locate important emails. Knowing how to use filters (by sender, subject, recipient, key word, attachments, date etc.) and being an effective searcher (we have very good search functionality) with a semi photographic memory is what works for me. My desk also looks like an unholy unorganized collection of random papers, but I never have any trouble finding anything (to the “clear desk” people’s surprise). Different minds work differently.

            For eval – “I am very organized. I am often the first person that people turn to when they cannot locate an important piece of information because I can be relied on to quickly identify and produce the requested information.” Or something along those lines.

         2. I don’t buy into the idea that they need to be stored separately at all or “filed”. It’s easy enough to search/filter through emails if you just leave them in your inbox. Probably the person just doesn’t want to bother searching and so they leave that kind of task to you because they know you’ll do it. If they’re getting that many emails, it probably means they’re super busy and have more reason to pass the task on.

   5. I wouldn’t mention that. It’s an accomplishment for you, definitely, but not for your employer.

5. My body is particularly sensitive to hunger. This isn’t new, I’ve always been like this but either it’s interfering with my life more or getting slightly worse. I’m not talking extreme hunger, I’m talking normal in between meals type hunger or if I’m stuck in a meeting that runs late. I keep food on me at all times but often it’s not something that a bag of almonds or the like will fix. I become nauseous and get a horrible headache that can take stick with me for a day or two, long after I have had a meal. In fact, to recover from the headache I sometimes feel like I have to eat extreme quantities of food (I’d estimate 1500+ calories at a sitting, which means eating long after my stomach feels full).

   Does this happen to anyone else? If I wanted to talk to a doctor about this, what kind of doctor would I go to? My primary is worthless (in general), and I am trying to switching but I haven’t yet. Thanks!

   1. I may have been like you once.

      I solved it by eating a massive restaurant lunch every day, usually by 11:30. If I have to take lunch later than that, I eat a second breakfast around 9 of something high-fat (hashbrowns with cheese, etc.). I don’t eat a big dinner, but have avoided the low-sugar crashes I used to get where my brain would generally shut down.

      I also keep snacks at my desk.

      1. I did some fasting bloodwork (for cholesterol) and what jumped out at me was that I had 0 glucose left in my blood. So no wonder my brain was shutting down. So I make sure I never got to where I got really hungry and then lightheaded/sleepy after that. Maybe it’s what diabetics do in reverse, but I just listened to my body and took better care of myself. If you are hungry, you need to eat.

   2. I’m not sure if this is a thing. Have you tried drinking more water? A lot of times when we feel hungry, we’re actually thirsty and dehydration does cause headaches and nausea.

      1. I have no advice, but yes, it’s ‘a thing.’ Maybe you mean that it isn’t the result of a serious, identifiable underlying physiological condition, but let’s not just dismiss her experience. This happens to me sometimes, and sometimes I get so hungry between meals that I cannot focus, think, work, and get extremely agitated. For example, if I wind up working/traveling through lunch, and have only had a small snack, coffee, and water until about 3-4 pm, I’ll be wrecked with a headache/nausea and almost useless for the rest of the day, even after eating. It used to be worse when I was at a more stressful job-headaches would turn into migraines.

         OP, I’d advise keeping a journal about when this happens to you. No advice on doctors.

      2. +1 to anon. It’s a thing. She’s saying it happens. Therefore it’s a thing.

         OP, I get the same way. Agree with the other advice above but I would also be very very aware of your hunger tells. For me, I know that I need to get something if I start feeling hungry and shaky /right then/ or I’ll be sick. It’s definitely tough with late meetings or whatnot, but if I know I’ll be at a meeting 11-12, I assume it will run late and eat something high-protein, high-cal just before.

   3. Check with a (new) GP. Could be dehydration or low blood sugar.

   4. Are you a migraineur?

      Are you eating enough fat with your meals…. and carbs?

      Are you dehydrated?

      Do you have a history of dieting or other issues with food?

   5. I was sort of this way, when I was young (in my 20s) and thin. I felt like I got hungry more often than other people did, and same as you, I’d get a headache and nauseated and often even eating didn’t help. I’d still feel a little sick and headachey.

      It got better as I got bigger. I was around 5’3″ and under 110 lbs (which I only remember because I tried to donate blood and they wouldn’t let me because I didn’t weigh enough), which was healthy for me, but wow, I got hungry fast. Once I got closer to about 120lbs (and up!), it wasn’t that big of a problem anymore. Not helpful, maybe, but I don’t think you’re that out of the ordinary. One thing I found back in the day was that eating more fat helped a little – this was in the days of lowfat everything, so I might have inadvertently been eating lower fat than I thought.

      I also think there are “camel people” and “hummingbird people.” Camel people can eat a ton of calories at once and be good for the day, a hummingbird person could eat about the same ton of calories and still feel hungry a few hours later.

   6. Have you talked with an MD about this. Sounds extreme and possibly due to a medical issue.

   7. I have this problem too! Not with the headaches, but I get light-headed and this almost desperate feeling. Anyway, I’m playing with my diet and I find the less bread and grain I eat, the less this happens. Maybe protein and fat keep me fuller? It may be worth a try!

      1. Yeah, same. My GP says I am hypoglycemic. I don’t need any meds and I do keep a portable glucose monitor with me, but I rarely need it now that I know the issue. I need to eat every 4-6 hours or more regularly or I feel really light-headed and definitely “desperate” for food. It does help to keep hard candies with me at all times, but I have resorted to eating a few sugar packets when I didn’t have those available.

         1. I thought I was the only one!! I left a board meeting to eat two sugar packets in the hallway and knew that would only buy me maybe an hour until I would absolutely need real food.

   8. Ask yourself whether you are sure about the cause/effect. Is hunger causing nausea and headaches, or do you get nausea and headaches that are alleviated or held at bay by eating? The fact that eating regularly prevents the symptoms is interesting: could it be that you have a gastrointestinal issue that’s causing nausea and headaches whenever your stomach is empty?

      1. This is what it is for me. It started after I was on some strong meds a year ago and threw up a lot. Now I get nauseous when I get hungry. It’s definitely hunger then nausea for me (not headaches as much). Not nausea that needs to be controlled by eating.

   9. I used to have trouble if I didn’t eat breakfast RIGHT AWAY I would faint. The best thing I found was to slowly become more flexible with my schedule. Like push my typical breakfast time back 10 minutes if I was feeling okay and keep adding to that.

      In your case I would maybe eat some small snacks and then try to push your lunch time slowly different so your body isn’t as rigid in its structure. Or maybe eat a large lunch and try to push dinner a bit later. It sounds like your body is in such a routine that you are being forced to follow it to a T. And you need to teach it again to not freak out if that schedule is changed. Kinda like learning a new sleep schedule … it takes some time for your body to not feel tired/wake up at the old times.

      1. Following up with this – stress can cause you to feel hungry. So if you are starting to stress out that you aren’t going to be able to get dinner on time that might be actually making you get result in you getting hungrier faster. So not worrying about when you are going to get your next meal might help also.

   10. Get evaluated for hypoglycemia.

   11. I have this issue but not the exact extreme that you describe. For me, it is blood sugar related. I also suspect it has to do with malabsorbtion issues from an underlying GI condition I have. They key for me is to have snacks on hand that have sugar and protein in them. The protein is key to avoid having another crash 10 minutes after consuming the sugar. Peanut butter lara bars are my current go-to. I’ll even eat a few bites on my way out to dinner if I feel the mega hunger coming on. It’s not enough to fill me up but it tides me over. My doctor initially blew off my concerns. Later I was working somewhere with an in-office doctor. I wasn’t his patient but he knew I was going through a lot of medical stuff and he was genuinely interested. He’s the one that suggested tips for keeping blood sugar stable and hunger at bay.

   12. Record what you are eating for 2 weeks and how you feel and then take that journal straight to the doctors. This is not a normal way to live life. If your doctor is dismissive find another doctor who takes it seriously.

       Another thing to ask about is an electrolyte imbalance. Perhaps you aren’t absorbing nutrients properly.

   13. It could helpful to find out what your blood sugar is doing before/during/after these symptoms arise. Your doctor may be able to prescribe a temporary continuous blood glucose monitor (or at least a regular glucometer) so you can find out whether your blood sugar is rising too high and then falling too suddenly, or if something else is going on.

       It would also be good to know if it actually has nothing to do with blood sugar!

   14. I used to have a similar issue though my symptoms were less extreme. I was eventually diagnosed with food allergies that had led to malabsorption, which in turn threw a bunch of other stuff out of whack with my blood sugar. I am about 90% better with this issue after a) cutting out the foods to which I was allergic; b) getting my nutrient levels back into a normal range through a combination of diet and medically supervised supplements; and c) working with a nutritionist to understand what is optimal for me with respect to amount of calories, balancing protein/carbs/fat throughout the day, timing of eating, etc. I have found personally, and learned from my doctors, that when you are malabsorbing the body triggers all kinds of weird hunger stuff just to try to force you to get more nutrients into your system.

       Bottom line: Definitely talk to your GP about it and consider getting a referral to a gastroenterologist, allergist, nutritionist, etc. to evaluate whether there are underlying GI/metabolic issues.

   15. Get a physical and the bloodwork to make sure you check out, discuss it with your GP, but then see a nutritionist. You may have blood sugar issues and need to eat a certain way.

   16. I figured out some time ago that blood-sugar fluctuations were causing about 30% of my migraines, and adjusted my eating habits to level things out. Some people are more sensitive to changes in blood sugar, but my symptoms aren’t the same as what you’re describing.

       Have you had bloodwork done? I think this is worth seeing a doctor about.

   17. Thanks all. I’ve had regular physicals (with typical blood work) my whole life but besides the gestational diabetes tests during my pregnancies, never focused on blood sugar. I do eat plenty of protein and a reasonably balanced diet. Will work on getting a new primary care physician so I can look into this.

       1. This sounds 100% like hypoglycemia (low blood sugar). That panicky, desperate to eat feeling is how I feel when my blood sugar is low (as a type 1 diabetic). As someone else mentioned, pairing a quick acting sugar like juice/fruit with something fatty or high in protein (cheese stick, nuts, etc) is the best way to balance it out and not crash again.

   18. YES. I am exactly like this. Nobody else I know is likely this, and nobody *really* understands it. I’m also relatively thin, so when I complain about *desperately needing* something to eat between meals, people think I’m trying to be cute. I’m not. I have horrible headaches, dizziness, shakes, and heart palpitations if I don’t eat enough, and once that feeling strikes, nothing I can do makes it go away short of eating a MASSIVE quantity of food.

       1. I hope you will also follow up with your doctor about blood sugar!

6. I have a dress I was planning to wear to a wedding in a few weeks, but now I look at it, I am worried it looks too much like a bridesmaid’s dress. Is this even a thing? I know I’m not supposed to wear a bride-like dress, but am I overthinking it now with the bridesmaids? It’s an old dress so no actual photo, but it looks a lot like this dress with short sleeves. I think it’s the draped silk that’s giving me pause…also doesn’t help that the closest version I could find was on a Wedding store s*te.

   http://www.asos.com/asos/asos-wedding-drape-cowl-neck-pleated-midi-dress/prd/4806875

   1. I should add that the dress code is “semi-formal.”

   2. That’s a great dress. I wouldn’t worry about it looking too much like a bridesmaid’s dress.

   3. It does look like a bridesmaid’s dress, but as long as it doesn’t look the same as THE bridesmaids dresses for the wedding you are attending, I think you are fine.

      1. I think this is part of my anxiety :) It’s not someone I know well enough to be able to ask what color her bridesmaids are wearing.

         1. What colors are the invitation? If it’s not one of them, you should be in the clear.

         2. I had two women (in a 50 person wedding) randomly show up in my sort of distinctive bridesmaid color. It was not a big deal. If your dress is navy I find it unlikely that will be her summer wedding bridesmaid theme.

            I would just choose something unique for shoes/accessories/etc. Even if you somehow picked the same dress, it’s unlikely they’re also wearing yellow shoes/green jewelry/etc.

            1. Ha. I am in THREE weddings this summer with navy bridesmaid dresses. That said, I doubt any of those brides would care if guests came wearing navy.

            2. I was going to say, I feel like navy is a pretty popular bridesmaid dress color, if only because it looks good on most people and you actually can wear it again. But I wouldn’t care.

            3. I stand corrected! I’ve never seen navy as a bridesmaid color, and I’ve never seen a dark color in the summer (except for casual “wear a black dress you already own” things). Maybe it’s a regional or age group thing.

            4. Yeah, I’m going to a wedding on Labor Day that has navy and rose gold for colors. When my friend told me I laughed because my dream wedding colors are navy and gold, because her two venue options (semi-industrial or boutique all-inclusive hotel) were the same as mine, as are her flower plans, her bridal party plans, and her fiance’s suit choices. We live extremely parallel lives.

            5. Late spring wedding with “bridesmaids” in navy — honestly, I wouldn’t have noticed if anyone else was wearing navy, and navy is such a neutral, I don’t think anyone else would think twice about it.

         3. Honestly, it doesn’t matter if you wear a dress the same color as the bridesmaids. It’s not a faux pas. Wear whatever you want!

      2. Exactly what I was going to say!

         In general, dressing for a wedding means not looking like the bride and not wearing anything that screams LOOK AT ME! I think this dress is perfectly subtle and respectful.

   4. Overthinking it :) I think the best way to look non-bridesmade is to have some fun, colorful accessories (bright pink or yellow shoes, a cool clutch, etc). But that’s a tailored, classic dress, so it will look great styled however you like.

   5. I think it’s fine.

   6. I think it’s lovely, and I wouldn’t think twice about wearing it!

   7. I think as long as you don’t carry a bouquet and walk down the aisle in front of the bride you won’t be mistaken for a bridesmaid.

   8. I wouldn’t worry too much about it unless the wedding invite/website has a lot of navy, then I might think twice. Hasn’t happened to me, but my husband once inadvertently wore basically what the groomsmen were wearing to a wedding… it was actually pretty awkward so I now try to make sure I don’t wear one of the wedding theme colors. If I truly don’t know what color the bridesmaids dresses will be, I normally go with a printed dress. But I’m definitely more on the anxious side, so it may not be a big deal if you’re more easy-going than me ;)

   9. It’s cute and totally fine. Unless you show up 1) in white, 2) in insanely flashy rainbow sequins, or 3) practically naked, nobody is going to notice what you are wearing except maybe your date.

7. I’ve been using a new product called R+Co dry shampoo paste. It’s in a tub like a pomade or putty and you melt it in your hands then apply. Spray dry shampoos make my head itch! I like Batiste tinted the best, but still itchy! I got this from my hairdresser and she mentioned this line is a division of another well known company but for the life of me can’t recall and can’t find online. It adds some texture and volume but I can’t speak to long term dry shampoo properties as I wash at least every other day. It’s good for 2nd day hair though and seems to work on different textures (my straight and a friend’s curly hair).

   1. Have you tried Bumble and Bumble prêt-à-powder? Its not a traditional spray dry shampoo. You shake it in your hair and it adds texture and is a dry shampoo. I really like it. No scent too which is a bonus!

   2. I think it’s a sister brand of Oribe.

   3. R&Co and Oribe are both owned by Luxury Brand Partners, small company with only 5 or 6 brands. Neiman Marcus carries both Oribe and R&Co lines online and in stores, and I think Saks has started carrying them too.

8. I need to lose 70 lbs. to hit the top end of “healthy weight” on the charts. I wear a straight size 14/16, age 36, zero health problems. I’d love get under 200 lbs. but haven’t been there since college. It hit 215 for a red hot minute last summer with a combo of paleo and exercise.

   My older sister had gastric bypass last year and went from 310 to 150. She looks happier and healthier than she has in years. I’m tempted to look into it, but I’m also terrified of ruining my health with some freak side effect. I’d love to “work it off” but frankly, I’m discouraged.

   Anyone here have experience with gastric, good or bad?

   1. I don’t have experience but a size 14/16 sounds not very overweight. Where do you carry your weight? Is it all over or mostly in one location? Are you muscular too? BMI isn’t the best calculator for all body types. If you are tall, muscular and just “big boned” you might not to lose as much weight as you think you do.

      1. I’m 5’8, 225 lbs. I’m pear shaped, carrying my weight in my legs and lower half. I have a 32″ waist (measuring while sucking in!) but 50″ hips.

         1. I think you’ll reconsider if you do start looking into it, since you are starting from “no health problems.” Freak side effects are scary, but the common, expected effects are a lot to sign up for as well.

            But if you are in the mood for drastic interventions/fast weight loss, there are other things you can try first. I know two people who lost 70+ lb with amino acid based appetite suppressants and the HCG diet (using the HCG drops that contain no HCG or hormones of any kind, just amino acids like L-carnitine, L-arginine, etc., and some “adaptogenic” herbs, whatever that means), and they have kept the weight off since.

            1. My college roommate has a serious eating disorder and she’s done the HCG diet multiple times. It’s a pretty messed-up diet and I can’t imagine it being done in a healthy way. It basically involves not eating and starving yourself while trying to delude yourself that you’re not hungry. You’d have to go to a doctor to get the hormone injection (the drops and supplements are all scam homeopathic “medicine”), but it’s not mainstream medicine so she always went to some scammy medspa to get it. It works if you do it because you’re essentially starving yourself, but its really unhealthy and mostly preys on people with eating disorders.

            2. That’s awful. I agree that the hormone injections are scammy. I believe the homeopathic drops are both scammy and questionably legal! I also think the branding of the drops as HCG is unethical, but the reason I remember them is because I’ve seldom seen anyone lose that much weight and keep it off year after year without continuing to diet (most people seem to yo-yo diet and lose/gain the same weight repeatedly).

               I have experienced appetite suppression from other amino acids (tryptophan particularly stops carb cravings in their tracks). I am curious whether the amino acids would work on their own (I know plenty of people take L-carnitine and L-arginine when cutting), but I’ve never personally witnessed anyone lose a huge amount of weight that way.

               But definitely there are people for whom any conscious calorie restriction is really detrimental.

            3. Is there any scientific evidence that tryptophan assists with carbohydrate cravings? I wasn’t able to pull anything up.

            4. Here’s where I read about tryptophan: http://www.nytimes.com/1981/09/29/science/can-craving-for-carbohydrates-be-controlled-chemical-studies-brain-point-new.html

            5. I linked an old NYT article in moderation. I’ve only seen older studies; the story I read is that a batch of tryptophan supplement was contaminated (people died), it went off the market, and then SSRIs came on the scene, so it sort of fell out of use? I first heard of it as an SSRI withdrawal treatment (I doubt there’s any scientific evidence for that, but it’s something patients recommend to each other). I had some blood sugar issues and needed to change my diet, and I found it weirdly effective for carb carvings.

   2. No experience but I believe there are minimum standards for BMI / obesity that need to be met to be a surgical candidate – it is probably a better question for your doctor. The person close to me who had it done did so because she began experiencing obesity induced sleep issues (ie falling asleep behind the wheel etc) and that was the reason she was cleared for a surgical solution as opposed to lifestyle / behavioral changes. Here’s what the Cleveland Clinic says:

      https://my.clevelandclinic.org/departments/bariatric/candidate

      Have you tried a nutritionist and trainer combo? They might be better suited to help you out. I’ve DIYed my exercise and eating habit changes but if you are struggling might be helpful to have a guide.

   3. This is not what you’re asking, but it does sound like we have really similar body types. I’m otherwise super healthy, but always overweight. Eat right, hardly drink, good BP/cholesterol levels, etc. I was 207 at my recent high. At 5’8″, this put me in a size 14. 100% carried in my hips, belly, thighs. I guess this doesn’t sound that crazy overweight on paper, but it was definitely unhealthy, I felt terrible and I was spiraling downward (or upward, on the scale).

      I’m down 30 lbs since January 2017 from Weight Watchers. I haven’t stepped foot into a gym either (just moving more – walking, using my fitbit goal to motivate me, etc.). If I go by BMI, I need to be in the 150s to be ‘healthy’. I don’t put a lot of stock in BMI, and thankfully neither does my doctor, but I’ve still got a ways to go. But, I feel GREAT – like, $1 million – and wore a bikini (?!) this weekend for the first time.

      I don’t know about bypass, but there are lots of other options out there that are less drastic. Personally, I think bypass surgery would have been too severe/invasive for the relatively little weight (~50-60 lbs maybe?) I had/still need to lose. I did WW online once and, while it was good, I now go to meetings and find it so, so effective. I’m definitely the youngest person in my Saturday AM meeting by about 10 years, but it’s the ‘food therapy’ I’ve always needed but never got. And you know what? It’s working. Good luck to you!

      1. I know I’m eating too much. Ugh…

         Everything in me rebels against the idea of logging what I eat, counting points, or watching the “checkbook balance” tick down to zero every day. It makes me angry and anxious–but every long-term weight loss diet success story includes either a.) eating the same meals each and every day and rarely switching it up, or b.) logging and journaling.

         I’m afraid I’m addicted to food…addicted to the “release” of my food binges…and a food journal makes me angry and defensive.

         Wow, I sound crazy. My food/weight issues are so screwed up.

         1. Nah you sound completely normal! Stop beating yourself up and get help. Whether it’s from a therapist, nutritionist, Weight Watchers, Overeaters Anonymous or a combo. There is help! And it is hard!

            Mindful Eating helps me a lot.

         2. If disordered eating (binges, release) is part of what’s going on for you, that is something you can work on! Have you taken this into therapy before?

            As far as weight loss goes–have you ever looked up “satiety” approaches?

         3. Have you ever worked with a registered dietitian? Counting calories is one way to do it, but you don’t have to do it that way. Also if you do think anxiety plays a role, it might help to talk to someone about it to see if it’s normal anxiety or something that might be causing a bigger issue for you.

         4. I’ve been there. I was 5’7, 180 at my heaviest before losing it and keeping it off (4 years now) with WW. WW helped me see what a balanced diet looked like. (I grew up where saltines with jelly were a perfectly acceptable dinner, not because we couldn’t afford proper food, but because my mother wasn’t interested in cooking.) But I also had to do some work with a therapist – anxiety was driving my eating – I’d eat to distract myself from uncomfortable feelings.

            This book was incredibly helpful to me. It gave me so much clarity not only on my overeating, but also on some other issues I have. https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Eaters-Repair-Manual-Mind-Body-Spirit/dp/1608681513

            I believe WW has two kinds of plans – one with points and one that involves less tracking and more intuitive eating. If tracking isn’t for you, the other style of plan may work for you.

            And hey, I’m not perfect. I lost the weight on WW, but every few months, a few pounds creep back on, and that’s when I just hop back on WW for a couple weeks and remind myself what eating responsibly looks like. It’s that forgiveness that was crucial for me. I try to stay at 154, but I’ve crept back up to 160, so just yesterday I hopped back on the plan and started tracking my food again.

            And about BMI, it can go to h-e-double hockey sticks. I had my annual women’s exam and my doctor was like, “You know, you’re just a couple pounds away from being overweight on the BMI scale.” To which I responded, “Well, actually, I struggled with disordered eating for the better part of a decade, but now I’m at a weight that my body maintains naturally without me standing in the middle of the grocery store crying over food choices, so I will happily live within a few pounds of overweight on a chart, if my mental and emotional health are at ease.”

            All that to say, this is a journey. It’s a tough one, but hugs to you. So many of us have been where you are.

            1. Yup, WW has ‘simply filling’ which is way, way less counting.

               I also have (er. HAD) no self control when it come to food. Open that bag of chips = must finish that bag of chips. One glass of wine, you say? Psssh. I’ll have three, please. Very ‘all or nothing’ personality (which presents itself in the rest of my life, too, but I digress..). Today, I find tracking intuitive. It was a may-jah struggle at first, but now it’s second nature. Yes, I hated it at first, but I decided I really needed the points/budget system to keep me in check. Watching the food choices I made ‘tick my points toward zero’ was exactly what I hated to, but needed to, come to terms with.

               I fully appreciate it’s not for everyone. I wish you success! With the right tools – dietitian, WW, or other – you can totally make a change!

         5. I don’t think you need to look at food journaling/calorie counting as a ‘forever’ thing… think of it as a temporary method to re-calibrate your eating habits. Before surgery, why don’t you commit to, say, 3 months of tracking your eating with the help of a dietician and preferably also a therapist? If it doesn’t work, you can always look into surgery.

            It does sound like there are some underlying issues, plus years of ingrained habits, both of which can be addressed without drastic medical procedures. You kind of talk about dieting the way I used to feel about antidepressants- I knew on some level I needed to do it, but the thought made me absolutely furious and almost grieving. It was life changing to just go through with it, with the right support from both loved ones and excellent doctors.

         6. I hope you won’t get weight loss surgery before seeing a therapist about the disordered eating issues you’ve identified. If you can resolve them, you may not need the surgery, and if you don’t resolve them, you may not lose weight even after the surgery.

         7. If you reddit, /r/loseit is extremely helpful and a very supportive bunch of folks.

   4. Have you tried weight watchers? I used it to take 35 pounds off about 10 years ago and have mostly kept it off. Could be something to try. I, personally, would definitely not consider gastric bypass at your size.

   5. I have a friend who recently had surgery. From what she told me about her surgeon, he would not consider you at your size. Like most surgeons she consulted with, he also required her to commit to losing and keeping off weight for six months before he would perform the surgery, because he wanted to lower her risk, but also make sure she could make lifestyle adjustments like the ones required after the surgery. I think if you were required to lose x lbs and keep it off for six months, you’d be even further out of the size range.

      I wonder if your sister’s surgeon might be a resource to talk to ?

   6. I have a friend who recently had surgery. From what she told me about her surgeon, he would not consider you at your size. Like most surgeons she consulted with, he also required her to commit to losing and keeping off weight for six months before he would perform the surgery, because he wanted to lower her risk, but also make sure she could make lifestyle adjustments like the ones required after the surgery. I think if you were required to lose x lbs and keep it off for six months, you’d be even further out of the size range.

      I wonder if your sister’s surgeon might be a resource to talk to ?

   7. Do you have other medical issues besides BMI? I too have genetic predisposition to high BMI (indicated by your sister, my sister, my uncle, my grandparents…) but at this point my other indicators are healthy. Do you maintain an active lifestyle? My obese uncle was a great walker and dancer. A high BMI is not a problem in and of itself.

   8. I am 5’8″ and was 217 pre-pregnancy (and have gained limited weight due to terrible 8-month long morning sickness even with medication), but have an athletic build, so while my BMI calculations look bad, I usually don’t let that influence me as long as I am eating well, active, and feeling good (both physically and emotionally). A few years ago I was not feeling good, so I started tracking calories myself in a free app (My Fitness Pal I think) and joined a gym – just elliptical time and an “athletic yoga” class and dropped about 20 pounds in a year. It sounds like you are not feeling good. I would encourage starting a walking program and seeing a trainer/nutritionist. Anecdotally, my understanding is that a lot of surgery programs make you do a year of weight loss/exercise anyways first to prove that you can keep up with the (very stringent I hear) rules for post-surgery care (e.g., likely only very small meals, no spicy stuff, etc.). You might find that after a year of that you’ve made enough progress to feel better.

   9. Second the feeling about not wanting to have to track every bite. I tried that and gave up. What worked for me was pretty simple: cut out the sugar as much as possible. Not just the obvious sugary snacks but food with hidden added sugars too. It was amazing to me how fast the weight came off and stayed off, and how much better I felt. And I don’t do the gym either- just walk 2 miles daily. A nutritionist would help you with this approach but it’s doable on your own.

   10. I had the lapband procedure 6 years ago and would do it again in a heartbeat. I didn’t qualify for it to go under insurance because my BMI wasn’t high enough and I didn’t have weight-related health problems, but I still qualified for it as a cash patient. I’m 5’6, weighed 220, and wore a 16. And I was miserable. Tried every diet, lifestyle change, and scam out there, but I couldn’t keep the weight off. I initially got down too low, weighed 125 and size 0 clothes were too big, but I’ve gained back about 15 pounds now and am at a fairly-stable size 2. Don’t get me wrong, the surgery has changed every single aspect of eating for me – but as someone who lived for food and didn’t eat food to live, the change helped put that in perspective.

       Also, similar to some of the comments here, some people reacted very negatively when they heard I had surgery and chastised me for not “trying hard enough” or not “being healthy.” I didn’t let anyone at my job know that I was having the surgery either, to avoid the judgment and criticism. Screw them. Do what makes you happy – just remember that it’s a lifestyle change all the way around and will take quite a bit of time to get used to.

       1. Had the lap band 2 years ago. Lost no weight other than in the period leading up to the surgery when they asked me to do Atkins. Now the lap band center (a national company) went out of business. Considering gastric sleeve. At 350 lbs., it’s hard to get taken seriously as an attorney.

   11. Highly recommend the book Stranger Here by Jen Larsen. Just getting the surgery is not enough. I have two family members who have done it in their 50s — one had tremendous success and the other has had problem after problem (infection at incision site, malabsorption of nutrients, terrible reflux, etc). It’s been very eye-opening.

   12. Considee vertical gastric sleeve. I had it 7 months ago and could not be happier. Will be happy to discuss offline if you like.

       1. *consider* that is….

9. Planning a long weekend trip with DH from NYC to DC in late August. Any recs on what to do or where to stay? We are still deciding if we want to drive or take the train there. Any feedback greatly appreciated!

   1. DC in late August is a hot humid muggy mess, just FYI. So dress appropriately and pick a place to stay that has good A/C. If you’re going to be walking around, make sure you schedule air-conditioned museum time in between outdoor things. Unless you are planning to go to the outlying suburbs, would recommend not driving, as paying to park in DC is expensive, and most places don’t even have nearby parking (and this from a car-loving outlying suburbanite). Metro is going through a lot of repairs/rebuilding right now, but my understanding is that downtown it is still running pretty well.

      My plug is always to schedule a tour of the Bureau of Printing and Engraving. It’s free (but you have to register in advance) and I always think it’s really cool to see money being made. If you haven’t been to the Smithsonians (Natural History, American History, Air & Space) before, would highly recommend. The building museum isn’t as popular but a lot of people like it. Might also be worth contacting your Congressperson to see if you can get a tour of the white house or the capitol, but it might also be a little late for that (takes them a while to process background checks). I’ve never done it (but always wanted to) but a bus tour of the monuments lit up at night seems like it would be fun to me (and would also be cooler).

      1. One of my favorite things to do with visitors to DC is to go to the top of the W hotel – there’s a rooftop bar called POV. The drinks are expensive but the view of the monuments and white house is fantastic, and they’re moderately successful at cooling the space.

      2. You don’t need to book a Capitol tour through your representative anymore. You can book it yourself online and I would highly recommend it! https://tours.visitthecapitol.gov/cvc#.WVEfyevyuUk

   2. I wouldn’t do this trip. There are a million better places to go.

      1. 2nd. Go to the beach in Maryland or Delaware!

      2. I live in DC (9 years now) and I agree with this….

         Late August is SO hot. I’d go to the beach…

         1. +1 from another DC’rette. Why not stop in Philly or go north? DC is just…kinda boring and yuk weather. And tons of kids on school trips. It would be like going to see the dinosaurs at whatever that museum is in NYC – just too crowded and kids kids kids. And most of the food here is a good bit worse than NYC.

            But, if you must, I’d stay at the Park Hyatt (but you have to pay for a room that’s better than the base room, which isn’t worth it). You could also stay at the Ritz or 4 Seasons. For budget, maybe the Fairmont. Also, if you must come down, see the Dutch master paintings at the Smithsonian. Eat at least one night on 14th street in the vicinity of Lupo Verde. Consider going out to Inn at Little Washington.

         2. It’s hot, but tend to be much less crowded!

            The Watergate hotel has a rooftop bar now.

      3. Eh, I did this trip twice (granted I was in high school and went with my mom) and we had a great time. Agree it’s not the best time for D.C. Weather, but the city is still lovely and so many things to do inside.

   3. Take the train; parking downtown is expensive and you won’t need a car in the city. It likely will be sweltering in August but it also tends not to be as crowded. I always recommend Hotel Monaco.

   4. I know there’s quite a few of us DC/DC area ‘rettes on the board – if you let us know what your interests are we can point you to better specifics.

      In general, if you’ve never visited the Smithsonian museums, that’s definitely a must-do. I also agree that the building museum is cool (not part of the Smithsonian; admission fee required), but I think the Newseum is even better, despite its somewhat hefty admission fee of $21/adult.

      For just exploring DC, I’d say wander the streets of Georgetown, Capitol Hill/Eastern Market, and Dupont Circle for a historical feel. If you’re more into the up-and-coming vibe, Navy Yard would be a good place to go.

      Penn Quarter has a lot of pretty good places to eat with a large variety of cuisines and price points.

   5. Definitely take the train. I hate the drive between DC and NYC, and you won’t need a car in DC if you stay near the metro. Plus, I just love traveling by train. None of the hassle of driving, more space than an airplane, and you get out right in the city centers.

   6. The weather is SO gross in August. I would plan for at least September if you can. Many locals leave for a few weeks in August because of it (I’m fleeing north).

      That being said, if you do go, bring sunscreen/a hat/a parasol (no joke). There’s a lot of free outdoor concerts then, and a lot of walking between museums outside in the heat and humidity. I’d stick to the waterfront areas and enjoy some cool drinks in the shade, catch a show at the Kennedy Center/other theatre, etc.

10. Do any of you use ClassPass? I subscribed last month with a 5 class/month version and am trying to ensure I use it efficiently. Obviously I’ll need to supplement with additional workouts, but I thought it would be good to force myself out of my comfort zone.
    So, do you like it? Think it’s worth it, vs just buying class packs from individual studios or working out on your own? TIA!

    1. I think it’s worth it depending on how you like to workout. If you like specific studios or types of workouts, then it’s better to just stick to your studios. I have been buying groupons for conveniently located studios but once I’m through my current one, I think I’m going to start using class pass because besides for my spin studio, I haven’t found a yoga studio or barre studio I’m in love with and it’s cheaper to spend a few months trying different classes.

       I also find I tend to get a better workout in a class (because deep down inside, I’m intensely competitive) and I like the ease of workouts i.e. you don’t have to think about what to do, you can just do whatever you’re told.

       1. I agree. I like specific studios/workouts/times, so Classpass isn’t great for me. I’ve joined, canceled, re-joined, and then put my account on hold. But I think it’s great for people who are more flexible / open to finding new places.

    2. I used it last year (stopped when I had my baby) and loved it. You have to be ok with going to new studios – you aren’t going to become a regular at any one studio – but if you’re ok with that, it is awesome. I used it to go to the fancy places that were $$$$.

    3. I also stick to the five class a month pack. I researched which studios have the most expensive class rates, and then try to use as many of my monthly allotment there. For example, I use my classpass classes to take the local HIIT class which would normally be $35/class, but not the yin yoga class that I can buy directly from the studio for $15. Poke around the app some though, because some studios offer free classes. There’s a barre studio in my area that offers two free classes a week to classpassers, that don’t count towards your max. You still book it through the app, but it says in the class description that it won’t count towards your monthly allotment.

    4. I used to be the Classpass queen, but how good it is highly depends on your city. If you’re in Manhattan, it’s amazing because you have eight million studios to choose from. I could have gone to a different class every day and still had tons of stuff left to try. If you’re a smaller city or the suburbs, it’s not worth it because there aren’t that many choices. With the unlimited you used to only get 3 classes per studio per month, and if you don’t have that many studios, you’re going to max out pretty quickly at the ones you want to go to. At that point it’s just cheaper/better to buy passes with your local studios. One of the Classpass limited # of classes passes might be worth it if you just want to try a bunch of new things, but I wouldn’t plan to keep it for more than a couple months.

    5. I’ve been using ClassPass for about a year and I love it. I never went to group classes before joining, I would either do workouts at home (usually DVDs from Beachbody or Jillian Michaels) or run outside. I have tons of studios by me and when I started I had a lot of free time and they still had the unlimited monthly option, so I tried everything I could find, including Pilates, TRX, yoga, aerial arts, surfing, HIIT, barre, spin, even a trampoline class! Now I’m down to 10 classes a month and I just go to basically the same 4 or 5 classes each month, depending on what fits my schedule and what’s available to me. There are a few studios that I would go to exclusively and just buy a package from them directly, but their prices for ten classes are more than twice what I pay with ClassPass, so for now I’m sticking with ClassPass. If I didn’t have so many great options close to me I’m not sure it would be a good deal though.

11. Help! I would like to make a birthday present for my guy. I have this photo of the Chicago landscape (link to follow) that I’d like to be made into an art piece and would like to solicit opinions.

    1. Commission – Should I commission an artist to reproduce the photo? Would I just find an artist on etsy?
    2. Print and frame – Should I instead print the photo out and put it on a nice poster-size frame?
    3. Other – any other ideas for how to make this awesome?

    TIA!

    1. https://wonderland1981.files.wordpress.com/2012/11/robert-taylor-homes-cmp.jpg

    2. It really depends on what kind of look you like. If it were me, I’d probably print it in black and white and frame simply: white mat and black frame.

       If you do decide to print it yourself, you’ll probably want to crop/adjust the image slightly, as the horizon isn’t perfectly level.

    3. Did you take the photo? Or have the rights to it?

    4. Do you have a higher resolution version of the photo? If not, it’s not likely to look good blown up.

       1. Yes, if you print it yourself make sure your resolution it at minimum 300 dpi.

    5. This has nothing to do with your question, but unless the reason you chose this particular photo is bc you specifically wanted an image of the Robert Taylor homes, there are waaaaay better Chicago city skyline photos available.

    6. Did you take the photo? If not, you should look for one you can just buy because you don’t own the rights and you should not be printing it out. I’m sure there are tons out there.

    7. Thanks for all the thoughts and ideas. I do specifically want pictures of the RTH and some of the buildings surrounding it that aren’t on your typical Chicago skyline photos. Appreciate the help!

       And thanks for the concern about the rights. I’m running a separate track on that and didn’t need the hive’s input on that issue.

    8. I agree that a BW photo would be fantastic; it would highlight the lines of the RTH and really make them pop against the background of the classical in the distance skyline. I actually would commission someone to take adjust the photo for you then it’ll be really well done & exactly what you’re looking for in the image and it’ll be original art. A local photo student or emerging artist would be a great resource.

12. Just ordered the Foster pants in two sizes and I am not sure which to keep. I’ve got a C Section pouch, so not sure I love either pair on me, but I need something like these.

    1. So sorry, question is do these stretch?

       And what do people like to pair them with?

       1. Should have refreshed for your questions. Looks like a little stretch: 38% Nylon, 10% Elastane, 52% Cotton
          I don’t have these, but I think they look like standard dressy leggings, so what the models are wearing or tunic tops.

    2. These look terribly photo shopped in the side view for the woman with the cream colored top so I can’t buy into the fact that they smooth and streamline while adjusting to the contours of one’s body (if so, why the extreme edit?).

       1. Anyone tried the Sarah dress? It’s back in black but I’m concerned the neckline will make my shoulders look broad

          1. I have tried it- I had to size down from what I normally wear in their dresses (and if I didn’t have such a large rear, 2 sizes down would have fit too.) I have broad-ish shoulders and I didn’t think the neckline looked bad on me. I also don’t think it was a huge selling point, so I didn’t get the dress.

    3. Have you tried Betabrand dress yoga pants? I’ve been very surprised by how versatile and easy to care for they are, And they’re a lot less expensive.

    4. These are my magical unicorn pants. I have them in several colors. They are not a leggings fit and have a somewhat drapier fabric that makes them office appropriate. But they are not loose. Size down one size.

       http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/4211579

       In terms of mama belly, yes I have one too. I just wear a top long enough to cover it. I don’t think pants can fix it. Shapewear maybe but I just prefer a longer top.

       1. ugh, mama belly! It’s more of a crease than a pouch. Who knew? I’ve had two c sections, so it’s not unexpected but hard to dress around!

          I look and think it’ san underwear line, but no, it’s just my shape!

       2. My mom has those and they are amazing.

          If they came in tall sizes, I would have bought them immediately.

          1. I’m 5’11” and I wear them angway.

13. When do you start worrying about anxiety? I’ve had issues with it in the past but it’s been quite well controlled with medication. But I’ve been going through a stressful period at work and for the past few days I’ve been feeling like I did before I was medicated. Maybe not quite that intense but in the ballpark. I don’t want to rely too heavily on my as-needed klonopin prescription and this could go away tomorrow, but when is it time to call my former therapist or psychiatrist?

    1. I think anytime you have to ask that…its best to call up your former therapist earlier than later. You don’t want to put off calling and then have anxiety get so bad you won’t call them up for some reason. Its never a bad then to check in again.

       1. +1 I have never used klonopin for anxiety, but I would talk to your doc to see if there is a medication that is more suited to regular short-term use (aka twice daily for a week or whatever). My doc likes busiprone as it’s not supposed to be habit forming.

          1. +1

             Definitely time to see your psychiatrist. Your therapist cannot help you with a medication issue.

             Klonopin is not a good medicine for treating anxiety that becomes worse, more frequent. You need something to take everyday that is less habit forming. Like a daily SSRI, busiprone etc..

             You also build up a tolerance to Klonopin over time, so the same dose will not help you anymore. That could be what is happening here.

             1. Oops. I see you are already on some meds.

                You should be seeing your psychiatrist regularly anyway, right? Just call for an earlier appointment. It is common for meds to need to be tweaked over time.

    2. Are you currently on a day-to-day medicine (like lexapro)? I am, and my rule for me is any time I need klonopin on top of it is time to call my therapist. Feeling like I’m unmedicated is a clear sign that something is off. A lot of times it’s a result of not eating/sleeping/exercising as well as I should, and then something stressful happened while my defenses were down, but a therapy check-in is part of how I get back on track.

       1. Thanks. This is helpful. I am on lexapro and abilify, so I don’t like needing the klonopin on top of that. It sounds like calling my therapist might make sense, but I guess it feels like I failed to a certain extent.

          1. You haven’t failed. That’s the anxiety talking. Hang in there, and see your therapist.

          2. Taking care of yourself includes getting the help you need. Someone seeing a physical therapist hasn’t failed — and neither have you. If anything, you should be proud of yourself for noticing that something isn’t feeling right and getting an expert’s assessment!

             1. +1000 be proud of yourself!

    3. I agree with the chorus that when you’re asking “should I talk to a professional?” the answer is “yes.”

    4. Do you have a sense of humor? Your first sentence made this lexapro user with generalized anxiety disorder whose partner was recently diagnosed with social anxiety laugh heartily. I hope soon you can be able to laugh, too.

14. Hi all, how is it going with the Wear Everything Challenge? Have you identified things to donate? Have you worn the lonelier items in your closet?

    I challenged myself to wear non-black and non-gray neutrals at the end of last week and to my surprise I came up with a couple of outfits I really like. I thought I’d end up donating the taupe/brown skirt but when I paired it with a pale peachy pink I ended up really liking it. So I feel like I have a new outfit.

    How about you?

    1. Today: black Old Navy pixie pants, black silky tank (actually a black thermasilk undershirt but who can tell?), pink jersey H&M blazer, sand/blush peep toe perforated booties by Earth. Keeping a steady rotation of my capsule items, which I’m pretty happy about, since there’s usually still two or three items in the capsule I don’t wear. I do think I’m going to have to let go of my seersucker blazer out of the capsule, though, as it’s just not hitting me right.

       Tackled the stored winter clothes/don’t fit clothes this weekend, and admitted to myself these were either never going to fit again or too out of fashion to wear even if they did fit, or actually just pretty raggedy: green chinos, blue knit dress, Doc Marten boots, pink button down in linen and one in cotton, yellow pattern pencil skirt, tan linen pencil skirt… there’s more but I can’t remember.

       1. I’m so waiting for Doc Marten boots to come back in! I can’t get rid of them.

       2. I realized last week that I have about 30 dresses, 20 of which I have never worn. 10 went to Goodwill, 10 more got shipped to a girlfriend of mine who can hopefully wear (or donate). So this week I’m going to try to wear dresses every day (except Thursday when we have a 4th of July party – I’ll wear pants to that). Today I’m wearing an LBD from Casual Corner, Cole Haan snakeskin heels, gold jewelry and my work fleece. I wore my Target ponte blazer into the office, but my fleece is more comfy and I have no meetings today. I saw a colleague in the cafe wearing a beautiful structured pink cardigan – I wish I had asked her where she got it!

    2. Started a donation pile of items I just rejected right off the bat; wore a forgotten pale orange top with dark navy and got compliments, so that’s going back into the rotation! Thanks!

    3. I’m wearing my MMF Emily dress and realizing why I hardly ever wear it. The square neckline just doesn’t sit right on me. It’s going on Poshmark tonight. :(

       1. I might be interested! Size and price?

          1. Great! Size 8 but with the arms very slightly let out by a tailor. I think $80 is fair.

             1. Oh, and it’s this purple color: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/cd/7a/19/cd7a19157494996804a366510ba8f7de.jpg

             2. What a pretty color. I would totally buy that if it were in my size!

             3. Sadly, not my size. Booooo! I am sure you will be able to sell it quickly though!

             4. NP, thanks for the good vibes! Hopefully my Emily finds a good home with someone better suited to square necklines.

       2. Color? Size? I’m interested.

    4. Wearing a pair of expensive (for me) leather sandals that are maybe just a weeeee bit too small with my new post-pregnancy feet. I need to decide by the end of today if the straps can stretch enough or I need to say goodbye. I’ve had enough with looking at them and deciding not to wear them because I’m not sure if they will still be comfortable or not.

       Also wearing a shirt and skirt I haven’t worn in almost two years thanks to said baby, and I am liking the skirt more than I remembered.

    5. I am wearing a dress I love and wear at least every other week, so possible cop out.

       But this weekend I wore a fun summer dress that I thought was too low cut, but it’s not! It was perfect! So I’m glad I can put it back in the rotation!

    6. Wearing an old standby of grey pants, white blouse, green cardigan because I had Monday morning wardrobe paralysis. Currently the pants are hemmed for heels but I’m debating between shortening these to wear with flats or just buying another pair (since I’m trying to expand my pants wardrobe).

    7. Cole Haan flats that I’m in love with, brown Skinny Minnie pants from Gap that are the only chinos I’ve eve ever found that fit me on my butt, black theory tee, polka dot chambray top from old navy and a plaid tote bag.
       Took the day off work for some appointments so pretty casual today.

    8. I’m wearing three pieces I’ve never put together before and will never put together again. I feel very blah. But my aquamarine jewelry is pretty so I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.

    9. Identified 3 things to donate!
       – a gray cardigan that just doesn’t fit right
       – a gray and black shirt for which I will never be thin enough again
       – a purple shirt that has seen better days

       1. On vacation: brought a bunch of old things. Tossed a black wrap skirt with a threadbare belt, and a black and white checked top with faded trim. Kept black linen shorts and a faded red linen sweater.

15. Is there anyone else here that cannot eat lentils? Not as in you don’t like them, but they make me projectile vomit (in a particularly violent way that leaves the skin around my eyes with burst blood vessels like someone was trying to kill me or something). Per my dr, it’s not an allergy but just a weird sensitivity.

    FWIW, I can eat peanuts and other legumes with no problems. The lentil thing has me living in fear of Indian dishes other than chicken tikka massala (which I understand is a british dish anyway).

    1. There are many other Indian dishes that don’t have lentils.

    2. There are tons of Indian dishes that don’t have any lentils in them. Saag Paneer, Curries, Chicken Tikka Masala, Butter Chicken, Chandra malai kofta etc….

    3. Yea, I eat Indian frequently and never get anything that has lentils in it. They are not hard to avoid in Indian dishes if that’s what you are worried about.

    4. Seconding all the notes on Indian food – lentil dishes are maybe…10% of the dishes at a normal Indian restaurant. And I say this as someone who has pretty bad GI issues with lentils (but loves eating them).

    5. If the menu says daal or dal, that’s lentils. Also, you can always just ask if the dish contains lentils…

    6. Do lentils have this effect on anyone else?

       1. My friend used to do this with straight eggs (not in a cake). My son does it with peanuts and peanut butter (not an allergy). Do you do this with other pulses, like chickpeas?

       2. I’ve never had problems with legumes in any form, ever. With lentils, ugh. It seems such a freakish thing and I figured it couldn’t just be me.

       3. Dried beans if undercooked release a toxin called lectin. You might read about it. it could be that hurried restaurant kitchens might not cook them long enough in order to get the food out. Just a thougt.

          1. http://wildoats.com/blog-posts/undercooked-beans-dangerous/

    7. I’d see an allergist if you’ve only asked a GP. That’s not a reaction I’ve ever heard of, and I’m a vegetarian who eats a ton of lentils. Sometimes food allergies can make you vomit like that. Or perhaps if you’ve only eaten them once or twice with other stuff added to them, it was weird food poisoning?

    8. I have that reaction with quinoa. I used it eat regularly before I was pregnant, but now I cannot.

16. DH and I have a bonus one week vacation that has to be used in September. It will be our first major vacation away from our new baby and we really really need the time to reconnect. We’re toying with two options, what would you do:

    1. Italy- Amalfi Coast, Capri, Positano. Thinking we’ll fly into Naples, stop in Pompeii on our way to the coast. We’ve already been to Florence, Rome and Venice and didn’t want to pack the coast into that trip.

    2. Greek Islands- never been anywhere in Greece.

    If you have any good itineraries or experience traveling there in Sept I would love to hear!

    1. I would go to Greece, if you’ve never been there. Two days in Athens and four-five days in Santorini would be an excellent trip. Santorini is super romantic and September is the shoulder season, so it shouldn’t be mobbed but you’ll still have great weather.

    2. Greece hands down. The Amalfi coast is so overrun with tourists as to be painful to visit. Hop a direct flight to Athens, spend one full day there, then catch a flight to Santorini, 2-3 nights, ferry to Naxos, 2 nights, fly back to Athens for a night, fly home.

       1. I just stayed at the best place in Naxos. SO friendly and amazing food. If you go this route let me know and I will share the info!

          1. Yes please share!!!

             1. Do you have an email I could send my greece recs to? Seriously we stayed at the best Airbnbs in Athens (5 minute walk to the Acropolis), Santorini (Cave house!) and Naxos. Its a google doc so it would be easiest sent over an email.

             2. LLY – can you send me your Greece recs? I have a trip booked for late Sept/early Oct with my DH (DBf?) and would love some clear cut recs for 9 days!!! Email is rices r e t t e at the google mail with no spaces. Thank you so much!

             3. ugh reply with my electronic mail address is in mod, London. Thanks!

          2. Emailed!

       2. YES to Naxos! It’s the best Greek island in my opinion. We stayed at the Villa Marandi and it was AMAZING – great view, great rooms and great food. If you go to Naxos, try to track down a British photographer named Richard (google him, you’ll find his contact info), he’ll give you a great tour of the island.

    3. Why not the lake region of Italy like Como?

17. Can anyone please recommend a good Endocrinologist in Chicago? I have Hypothyroidism and despite being on Levothyroxine I still feel tired and swollen. TIA!!

    1. I see Anila Bindal at Consultants in Endocrinology (at Rush University). I feel that she is knowledgeable and caring, but even with the first appointment of the day, she is always running late.

       If you don’t mind paying entirely out-of-pocket, I had a consultation with Marla Barkoff at Integrative Endocrinology. She was AMAZING and if I had more cash to burn, I absolutely would have gone with her. She has payment plans as well and you can bill labs through your insurance.

    2. I don’t have any specific recommendations, but look for someone who is willing to prescribe combination therapy (T3 and T4, not just T4), who looks at labwork including RT3 and antibodies, not just T4 levels and TSH, and someone who is open to treating based on symptoms, not just on bloodwork. If you search online you can usually find lists of endocrinologists who meet these criteria, since lots of other thyroid patients are looking for this. When I switched from an endocrinologist who felt that all I needed was levothyroxine, and only until my TSH was “in range” (the range is up for debate, by the way) to one who met my recommendations above, I went from being tired, cold, and mentally foggy all the time to being energetic and fully healthy. Good luck.

       1. Co sign all of this. I can be in normal range for TSH and still feel miserable. I get my T3 and T4 compounded, and adjust the levels separately. This makes all the difference.

       2. +1

18. My husband and I are going Miami on Saturday and are staying for five nights at the 1 Hotel in South Beach. Any recommendations for places to eat (fancy or not, we like it all), museums or activities to mix into beach/pool time, or fun night life?

    Thanks!

    1. Spend at least one night just walking around South Beach. There are a ton of clubs and bars (touristy, yes, but also fun). I had the best fried chicken ever somewhere near there… Yardbird maybe? The website is something like runchickenrun.

       1. Yesss! Yardbird has the best fried chicken ever. Great biscuits too.

          1. Also get the pickles!

             A couple of years ago, I went to Michael’s Genuine Food and Drink, it was pretty good, too.

    2. It is sceney and expensive and crowded, but Prime 112 is my favorite dinner restaurant in South Beach. Get a reservation but expect to wait a bit at the bar, especially if it is a weekend night. Great people watching!

       +1 to the Yardbird recommendation as well.

19. Ever regret keeping quiet when you could help someone network? Work with someone now in DC whose husband may or may not be taking a job in a small New England town. She’s a lawyer – our job market has been tight for years and that’s even more true in secondary or tertiary markets. I happen to have a peer who moved to a law firm in that state – not the same city as where she may go but same state and bc it’s a small state he’d know the lay of the land generally (which firms may have a need; recruiters; realistically how long it takes to make a move into that market). I’m usually happy to offer up contacts bc I know sometimes talking to someone who knows someone in real life is way more useful than a recruiter who could just tell you — sorry no firms around here are looking for a 6th yr, I’ll call you if they are – and then promptly forget about you.

    In this case I have vaguely mentioned this guy without a direct – would you like me to reach out to see if he’ll chat. I feel bad that I’m holding back on that – bc she is a nice person with a solid resume and I want to see her do well — yet the more she talks about her home life the more I realize how flakey she and her DH are. They go back and forth daily about moving or staying for reasons such as “not being respected” by his current employer etc. DH has ideas that she could commute from their small city to the next big city for a job (think 2+ hr drive in major traffic one way); she has ideas that it’s no big deal to just grab a job teaching legal writing (it’s not a big deal – but for someone who wants a firm track, it’ll throw you off) etc. Given how indecisive they are being, I feel like this could easily be one of those – I make the intro and she doesn’t even reach out – things — so I’m holding off until she says “we are moving to x, house is up for sale.” And yet I feel bad that I’m not helping out another woman – whose career is going to take a hit if they make this move and she doesn’t find solid ground fast.

    1. Why don’t you just say to her “I have a contact at XYZ firm on that town. When you’ve made a decision about whether or not you’re moving, let me know and I can put you in touch”?

    2. Eek. I would probably hold off. Your reputation is important, and you don’t want to put it on the line for someone who won’t treat it with respect (by flaking, etc). Maybe offer to hook them up when they go up to house hunt (or some equally concrete step towards moving).

    3. Not at all. Your credibility is at stake. That’s what makes your recommendations valuable to others in the future.

    4. It sounds like your intentions are good. You are also good to see the big picture and refrain from putting your reputation out there for people with demonstrated track records of being flakey.

       To wait to make the connection is not the same as to fail to make the connection. Timing is important, and you are right to wait for better timing [which may or may not happen in the future].

    5. Why don’t you give her the info of the person you know and say, “You may want to send a resume and cover letter to ____. Feel free to drop my name.” That way, it’s on her to show the initiative to reach out properly.

20. My BFF is pregnant and just found it’s a boy. She’s thrilled and told me she wanted a boy first because she believes families do better when the oldest is a boy, I guess because he can better “protect” his younger siblings than a girl could. I find that attitude so icky. She self-identifies as a feminist (works very successfully in a super male-dominated field) and I was just so disappointed to hear her say something like that. To be clear, I’m not judging her for having a preference on gender (I think most people have at least a secret preference) but rather for her reasons why. I’m not going to say anything, I know it’s not my place. Just a vent I guess…

    1. Congratulations to your friend!

       You are out of line to be judging her reason for her preference because that is a personal, subjective value which she has shared with you, presumably because she trusts you enough to share this. I know you say you aren’t judging, but “I was just so disappointed to hear her say something like that” is judging, whether or not you want to call it judging.

       I am glad to hear you don’t plan to say anything to her about this. This is time for celebration.

       1. She’s not doing anything about her feelings, so I don’t think it’s fair to say she’s out of line.

          I’m with you, OP. That’s a gross reason. I’d have the same feelings. (And similarly would not ever act on them.)

          1. That type of judgement can be harmful to the friendship, even if OP doesn’t act on her feelings. It would be helpful and kind for OP to re-evaluate her outlook instead of judging as “icky” her fri nd’s outlook different than her own.

             1. Of course it can be harmful, but it also might be a pretty key factor into deciding how close you are — if someone has vastly different values or has views that you find offensive, you’re probably not going to be BFF. For what it’s worth, if one of my friends said that to me, I’d be taken aback as well.

       2. I think OP admitted she IS judging: “To be clear, I’m not judging her for having a preference on gender…but rather for her reasons why.”

    2. Ugh. Your friend is gross.

    3. For some reason, I find your friend’s sexist comment less bothersome than the one I hear MORE often….. We hope it is a girl first, to help take care of the next kids in line…. and to help take care of us as we age. First born kids tend to be more conservative, following the parental model, dependable etc.. So there is a grain of truth here.

       1. I just can’t believe that anyone says any of this stuff. If they were from a culture where attitudes like this were strongly embraced, I could give them a break, but even then . . .

          I just don’t think that a child’s gender should determine the standards they’re held to when it comes to being responsible, setting a good example for others, caring for younger siblings, or helping out around the house. I hate hearing “boys will be boys” or “girls are just better at certain things.”

          1. I can’t tell you how frequently I heard those types of comments when people learned that my first was a girl. It was really appalling, especially because I was not a girl who was into babies or “helping” when I was younger.

    4. Sounds like she wanted a girl and is over compensating.

       1. I got this vibe too.

    5. Are you just assuming that’s her reasoning? It could be, like crash says, that she expected her oldest would shoulder more babysitting/household chore help as he grows older and she’s glad that a boy would get this experience :)

       1. This.

       2. This is what I wondered too. There seems to be a general perception that boys are easier than girls. I have no idea if that’s true (see above re: zero experience) or if it’s sexist BS. Some things I’ve heard seem like they could be true (i.e., boys are easier to potty train) and some are pretty clearly sexist (i.e., teenage pregnancy – “but if it’s a girl you’ll have to take care of the baby!” is literally something my mother said to me).

          1. Clarification: I meant to say that I have zero experience with kids and forgot, so my “see above” comment makes no sense.

    6. She probably would have another line about why she’s glad it’s a girl if it were a girl.

       And if she works in a male-dominated field, she may have plenty of insight into how life rolls out the red carpet for men. It always seems a little icky to recognize that life is easier for some people than others, and therefore to hope that your kids get the easy path.

    7. Gross. I guess I am a reverse sexist because I am glad to have an older daughter – she keeps my son in line and will NOT let him get away with being a jerk toward girls/women. (They are 16 and 14)

       1. Props to your daughter! That’s awesome.

       2. I got cat called one time and called my younger brother (he’s 21, I’m 24, this was a few years ago) and snarled to him that if he EVER catcalled a woman I would f**king kill him. He was so taken aback that I believe his response of “I HAVEN’T! I WON’T! Ever!”

          Big sisters don’t let sh*t fly.

    8. I always wanted a boy to be first if I had two because I always wanted an older brother. I’m not sure if my reasoning for that was secretly sexist but I think it was more that my best friend had an older brother and they always seemed to have a very fun teasing relationship (she would disagree with the fun part but whatever, it was fun for my purposes.). Like someone above I’m not sure if you’re guessing at her reasons or if she spelled them out. I know plenty of people who repeat the ‘better to have a boy first’ line without ever questioning why. That does not make it a good thing, but maybe give your friend the benefit of the doubt?

       1. I always wanted an older brother, too! So I was also kind of glad my first kid was a boy (aside from my “crap, what do I do with a little boy?” anxiety). I don’t know if my reasons were sexist. Now that I actually have kids, I’m pretty neutral on the birth order w/r/t gender thing. They’re just my kids, and they have personalities irrespective of their gender.

          OP, Unless your friend is the sort of person who would tell everyone exactly how disappointed she is that her presumably healthy child is the “wrong” s3x, I bet this is just a line about how excited she is that she’s having a baby and imagining her future family. I feel like you’re reading an awful lot into what was likely a throwaway comment.

    9. Consider that your friend doesn’t hold this as a strong personal belief, but rather was just off-handedly articulating some reason that it might be nicer to have a boy first. The fact that she will have a boy *before* a girl probably ranks very, very low on the list of things she cares about regarding her pregnancy and first baby. It’s like if I said off-handedly that I’d like to get married because I can’t reach half the cabinets in my home, whereas a man could. Does that take away my feminist credentials? I hope not- we all know that I can and do grab a step stool and believe that women are super capable of managing their cupboard space. Does that mean that I strongly value a man helping me with his Big Strong Man Body as a reason for marriage? Not necessarily; we know my priority is to find a loving, egalitarian partnership.

       You’re overreacting and making a mountain out of a mole-hill. Don’t let this negate everything else you respect about her.

    10. I’m sure she’ll go through what all parents go through and realize that her child (who will have his own personality) will not meet all of her expectations. No child ever does. If she’s a good parent, she’ll accept that and move on, if she’s not, then she’ll try to mold him into what she wants/expects, which probably won’t work out well. Of course having a boy first doesn’t guarantee that a family is better, much like having a girl first doesn’t guarantee that either. Maybe he’ll be protective, maybe he won’t. If you’re close enough friends, maybe you can tell her this, but otherwise just say, ok, good for you, and move on.

    11. “you guess” because she actually said something like that, or just because that’s the only reason you can think of that “families do better when the oldest is a boy”? if the second one, I think you’re the one who is being “icky.”

        I don’t think there’s any research on “better” family outcomes with which gender is the oldest child, but I’d absolutely believe it makes a big difference, especially early. I’ve read research conclusions along the lines that oldest-boys tend to drive more physical activity in the family, and oldest-girls tend to drive more “soft skills” and better early reading outcomes. So there is a difference, and depending on the parents’ values one could be “better.” *shrug*

        Personally, I wouldn’t take this as an affront to feminism.

    12. I feel the same way. I’m a girl, the oldest of 3, and it sucks. I have a younger sibling who suffered a spine injury due to incessant bullying in school, and I am *convinced* this sibling would have been fine if I had been a boy.

        1. Wow, that is awful. I’m here to tell you that, tempting gender-norm narrative to the contrary, even the most protective and intimidating older sibling can’t stop everything, and the fact that you are female had nothing to do with your younger sibling getting hurt. I hope the bully/bullies and all the adults who should have stepped in were held accountable, and that your sibling is OK.

           1. +1 I am the oldest and have a younger sister. I was a fighter when younger, but I didn’t care for my sister, so I doubt I would have defended her when I was growing up. You really never ever know what you are going to get with kids’ personalities and their sibling relationships.

              You cannot and should not blame yourself for what happened.

    13. Ugh. If she’s already trying to find reasons why her family is better off than other families….she’s going to have a hard time and/or giver her kid a complex. I’d ignore the comment with a 10 foot pole and re-evaluate the friendship as she progresses through motherhood. Not every friendship survives that change.

        1. I’m laughing at the visual of “ignoring with a ten foot pole”

21. I have some friends with a small business and they are interested in increasing their social media presence. Presumably there are people who do that as a job, right? Where would one find somebody to maintain an Instagram/Facebook presence for a business that doesn’t want to do its own? Any ideas?

    1. Yes, there are agencies that do that, as well as freelancers. I would start with a search on LinkedIn for a social media marketing consultant.

    2. I used to do this. It’s not exactly “cheap” most companies balked that my rate was 100/week for a standard package of one blog posts, 3 tweets, 3 fb posts, 3 instagrams a week. I eventually stopped doing it because I was tired of fighting over billing

       1. I used to do this too. Definitely more expensive if you go through an agency, and I also left because of how difficult fighting over billing is. Try also searching “Community Management”or “Content Management”

    3. You are in LA, right? I have someone. Send your gmail and I’ll shoot you an email.

22. How do you sign off your emails at work? “Best” sounds a little stilted/awkward, and it’s not always “thank you”

    1. I use “Kind regards” in my signature, and “Best” if I’m typing a quick message from a computer where my signature isn’t loaded.

    2. I use “Regards” unless there is actually a reason to thank someone. If it’s a quick reply I just have my signature and don’t sign it otherwise.

    3. I stick with “thanks” 90% of the time, even when it’s not directly relevant. The only times I vary are if it would sound snotty or inappropriate to close with “thanks.” In those situations, I try for something related to the email topic, such as “Look forward to seeing you,” or “Hope to hear from you,” or “Best of luck,” or something like that. When nothing else works, I do go with “Best.” I agree that it sounds awkward/stilted, but I figure, life is too short to spend worrying about how to sign 1% of my emails!

       1. Same to all of this!

       2. I also use “thanks” most of the time, but my exceptions are typically regional. I’ve noticed that my European colleagues almost always use “kind regards” or “best regards,” so I’ll often mirror them if responding in a chain.

    4. My supervisor in my first real job signed every email with “Sincerely,” it was part of his signature. I picked up a lot from him so I switch back and forth between “Sincerely,” “Best,” “Thanks,” and just my name if it’s a super casual email (like, to a colleague about something easy and brief).

       1. Ooh I like “Sincerely”! I almost always use “Thanks” but our company preferred form is “Best regards” – I’ve received so many rude and passive aggressive emails with “best regards!” at the end that it’s kind of turned me off to that signature. But that’s a work culture problem, not a signature problem. :)

    5. If internal, usually just my name or Thanks! if appropriate. Sometimes nothing-depends on context.

       If external, I think I use Best Regards for formal emails (like service emails) and either Best or Thanks depending on context.

Comments are closed.