Coffee Break: Skinny Braided Belt

123 Comments

1. For those of you who watch certain aspects of diet because you have been told to do so by doctors or have a family history, how do you balance that with not being totally restrictive years before you need to be? For example your A1C personally is fine but there’s a family history, so doctors have told you you need to watch added sugars and empty carbs but are free to eat whatever. Or your cholesterol is borderline but manageable in your 40s but you may end up on statins in your 50s or 60s. Do you let yourself have candy or sweet tea occasionally if those are your favorite things? Or how often do you grab a burger or pizza in the second scenario?

   I feel like no one ever became a diabetic from having cake on their birthday or drinking sweet tea once a month. Same with eating pizza once a month for heart disease. But then is it a slippery slope – like if you keep candy or soda in the house, you aren’t going to have it once a month, it’ll quickly become four times a week? I realize this is different for different people but am curious how people think about this in their own lives. Do you restrict yourself at all? Do you feel life is for living and you’ll deal with issues if they ever arise? Do you keep yourself on some kind of a schedule day to day but then vacations, business trips, holidays, you get the desserts, sugary coffees, burgers or whatever you like?

   1. I’m supposed to not eat red meat (which includes pork), and I struggle with this. My oncologist told me to think of it as a treat that you can earn by eating veg mostly for a while etc.

      1. Is it breast cancer? That and the alcohol thing are the cruelest part of the post-cancer existence (well, and the lack of estrogen, and everyone saying that lack of estrogen will cause dementia, and the weight gain, and the fear of recurrence…). In any event, I definitely don’t eat red meat often, but I do about every other week. I save it for a steak or a good burger. And I did give up all processed meats because I don’t actually love those. But life is too short for me to completely give up something I like because of a small potential/as yet unknown potential impact.

   2. Even with bad blood sugar numbers, my doctor said that birthdays and major holidays were fine.

      The catch is that if I go months without eating desserts, they don’t taste the way I remember them. They’re far, FAR too sweet to enjoy. So I end up substituting them with other treats anyway based on how my tastes have changed.

      1. This, or eating less. Like “just a bite” actually IS all I want, not a challenge!

   3. There has actually been quite a bit of scientific research on which diet is the best at slowing down certain conditions. I would look at that to see what is recommended for yours. We have been shifting to a Mediterranean Diet and it has helped with our cholesterol. The research shows the statistical impact of different levels of compliance with the plan.

   4. Spouse has been on statins since his 30s due to family history. I am not sure there is a reason not to start those early. He did have sky-high triglicerides and is constantly (2x/year) doing full blood work.

      1. How high were his triglycerides? My husband is not yet 40 and we think he’s about to go on statins for high triglycerides as well. He doesn’t have good info about family history, but his are really high despite not drinking at all and being lightly to moderately active every day. He kept getting put off by doctors because “recommendations say to start at 40” so I’m curious how your spouse was flagged as needing intervention sooner.

         1. 700s?

            He doesn’t have any male relatives older than he is, so pretty daunting math all around.

   5. For me, it depends on the health issue , risk level, and desirability of the particular food. I have been borderline prediabetic a few times. So I dropped my soda habit and don’t keep sugary snacks or desserts in the house anymore but will indulge sometimes for special occasions (birthday cake in your example). I will still have carbs (bread, pasta), but I pay more attention than I used to about frequency (I won’t do a pasta dish several nights when I’m planning meals). Life is short. That said, I’m also a cancer survivor though and alcohol is a risk factor and isn’t very tempting to me. So I no longer drink. It was an easy change to make (I don’t feel deprived) and the risk level there feels more severe. I’ve worked with a nutritionist, and this sort of decision-making is going to be very personality-dependent. Some people can limit and for others (like me), it is more like an addiction. For me, I know I can’t bring temptation into the house (soda) because it will be too hard to abstain. Not sure how I would handle if I had kids. Spouse and I keep separate shelves in the kitchen so I’m not tempted to have “his” candy or whatnot. I know this situation wouldn’t work for other people.

   6. I’m on the MIND diet for dementia prevention due to a strong family history. My general thoughts are: something is better than nothing, it’s a marathon and the routines are what’s important. Some things are just not “worth it” to me so I’ve cut them out completely: alcohol and chips spring to mind. I try to make my daily routines pretty healthy: so weekday lunches are boring but healthy, weekday dinners are more varied but still pretty healthy. Weekends and special occasions are more free. A lot of it is more social for me- so I’ll grab a vanilla latte with a friend. I’ll bake cookies with my daughter and eat them.

   7. Everyone in my family has high blood pressure and high cholesterol. At my annual exam, my blood pressure was high, and my doctor agreed to do another test in six weeks. I started to use the DASH diet app to track my sodium intake, which was surprisingly low, rarely over 2200 and usually around 1500.

      However using the app made me realize that some foods have a ridiculous amount of sodium, for example small white tortillas! I also discovered I’m not eating enough protein. After logging my meals for 8 weeks, I lost about six pounds and my blood pressure has decreased. I’m continuing to use the app to monitor what I eat, and I find it helps me balance things out. I’m still getting a fancy coffee 2 or 3 times a week, but it’s easier to pass up the sour patch kids Oreos. I’d characterize it as my diet is restrictive of things that are “low bang for the buck” for me, and I’ve created room to eat things I truly enjoy regularly.

   8. I’m reading a book about personalized nutrition, Food for Life by Tim Spector. He makes a convincing argument that many of the dietary recommendations based on large population averages are limited because of variation of how we digest various substances due to our gut microbiomes. He started a company that makes personalized recommendations based on tracking blood glucose spikes, fat digestion, and the mix of “good” and “bad” gut microbes. This is all based on recent-ish science, and may or may not hold up to the test of time. But I feel like that’s been the case with many of the diet fads I’ve seen during my lifetime…

2. How do you get to know a boyfriend’s mom when you have nothing in common? My boyfriend’s mom is retired from an administrative assistant job. She is very into weed/pot and smokes every day. She also likes to gamble and regularly travels for that. I’m not familiar with or into any of these things and just feel like I have nothing in common with her. She and boyfriend’s dad are not together so it’s just her when visiting, and sometimes her daughter (boyfriend’s sister), who is generally into the same things. I feel bad because I have hit it off with stepmom.

   1. You don’t. You make polite small talk when you see each other and leave it at that. I bet your boyfriend also doesn’t have a lot in common with his mother. Enjoy his stepmom and invest in that relationship if you do!

      1. +1

      2. This. You don’t have to be best friends. I have a decent relationship with my bfs mom but absolutely hate his sibling. If I had to spend more time with sibling it would be a serious problem for me.

   2. Just keep trying different topics until something work.

   3. I think it’s okay if you never hit it off

      Ask to see childhood pictures / hear favorite memories maybe?

   4. Think of it like any other relationship that you want to be positive, whether it’s a stranger next to you at a wedding or a new client. You ask questions about themselves and their interests. You share boyfriend in common. This is your chance to find out more about what he was like growing up.

      You also try not to be unnecessarily judgmental even if you think their job would be beneath you or they have habits that you find morally difficult. I don’t think you meant it this way, but your description of her sounds harsh. I may not share an education level with someone but it doesn’t preclude me from asking them about what they do or don’t miss about their job, whether they saw views on women in the workplace change during their career, etc. I don’t smoke pot. But I also recognize that whether someone does has little to do with their value to me as a person or their ability to make small talk.

      1. Completely agree with all of this, especially the second paragraph.

         If it were me, I’d ask to hear all the details about her latest gambling trip. It’s totally outside of my experience and I think it sounds really interesting. Surely there were some colorful characters involved?

   5. what kind of stoner is she? if she has an activity she does while stoned like knitting or coloring or something try to lean into that?

   6. Ostensibly both of you love her son. Ask her questions about what he was like as a kid, family history (what her parents were like, etc). Be curious about her without making assumptions or judgments. Assume there are things you can learn from her and then probe those – e.g., does she have funny stories of crazy things she had to deal with as an admin? What are her favorite games to play when gambling, and what is the strategy for each? What kind of pot does she like and why?

   7. Honestly, I feel like hitting it off has far more to do with personality and vibe than their interests or job. Go in with an open mind. At the end of the day, you don’t have to be BFFs, you just need to be cordial.

   8. My husband’s step-mom is from a rural, rural part of America in the deep south, and grew up on a farm. My husband has said that if you were just dropped into the area where she grew up, you would not assume you were in a developed country. She is also super into gambling, and we are as far apart politically (and on religion, science, and other issues) as you can possibly be. But, honestly, I really have grown to enjoy her company. She does bring a perspective to me that I don’t usually hear outside my East coast liberal bubble, and I’ve definitely broadened her perspective on things over the years (we have an LGBTQ+ child who she adores and accepts openly, much to really everyone’s surprise, including her own). She is respectful, and I am respectful back. We don’t talk politics (though my husband will gently debate with her — I’m not as great at having a gentle touch, so we just don’t go there).

      But we both love to sit by a campfire at night, and we both love to play cards, which is primarily what we do when we are together. While her preferred activities and food aren’t what I’m used to, I try to lean into what she’s into when we visit, and it’s been a really good relationship to have in my life. This all goes out the window if your boyfriend’s mom isn’t respectful or kind, however.

      1. This is nice. well done.

   9. You don’t like her, so you don’t try and become close. You try and be polite and have manners.

   10. I’m curious why your boyfriend isn’t helping you on this front. If it’s his mom and sister visiting, why isn’t he trying to find activities you could all do together, or at least trying to manage the visits so he’s entertaining them more than you are?

   11. I guarantee she has amazing stories about what she saw in the workplace – exec assistants know all the dirt! I’d ask about that, or if you are ever struggling with office politics or navigating difficult personalities, ask what she thinks – might have great advice. Otherwise, it’s like any relationship where you want to get along but don’t need to be friends (like a coworker or client or friends partner)-ask a lot of questions, be positive, and over time see what you have in common and like to do together like cook or watch reality tv or go for walks or whatever.

   12. My husband’s mom (and dad) own matching tricked out 4-wheelers they haul around in a camper that’s labeled “Redneck Paradise”. My own parents used to drill me in who to introduce first of guests following Emily Post. So…yeah I feel ya. Not much in common. My husband was an ultra-shy introvert bookish nerd who they were scared was never going to meet/marry so they’re just thrilled he found someone but they do act like I’m an alien from Planet WASP, haha.
       I usually just stick with travel, fun things we saw and did, chit chat about family members and stuff like that.

3. Have you gotten a part time job while continuing your full time career? I work part time as a lawyer in a job I really like. My kids are out of the house, and DH travels a lot for work. I don’t really know how to fill my time, and I’m considering a part time job as a barista or something similar on the weekends. I already spend as much time as I want to exercising, reading, and seeing my friends, and there isn’t a lot to do otherwise where we live.

   1. It sounds like you are saying that you don’t have a full-time career. Do you want a hobby job to fill time or to go more intensely at practicing law? My sense is that most people on this board have full-time careers, so they are unlikely to be looking for a part-time job to fill empty time.

      1. Thanks for clarifying. I don’t want to practice law full time. I enjoy my part-time lawyer position, and have zero interest in returning to full time doing that. But I like the idea of having kind of an easy part-time job (like a barista). Maybe I wouldn’t like it as much as I think I might, but I’m trying not to decide I don’t like things before I try them. Another option is to take up a volunteer position.

         1. Volunteering sounds like a great idea. Depending on your area, weekend hours as a barista may not be so easy to come by as you think (in my high school experience, weekend hours were snatched up by high school workers…bored moms got the slow weekday afternoons). And please consider that while the role itself may not be as mentally challenging as practicing law, service sector jobs are not exactly sunshine and roses.

         2. Have you been a barista before? Service jobs are not easy. I’ve noticed affluent empty nesters working in While House Black Market or equivalent stores so something about that must be more pleasant.

         3. Some people I know in that demographic got retail jobs at places where they shop a lot, kind of for the employee discount and kind of because they know a lot about the store and products. If you’re not sure you could apply in the fall for holiday season when stores are eager for more help and see how it goes

            Personally I would volunteer or teach at my religious congregation but that’s me I know that’s not everyone

   2. I spent a good chunk of my 20s working a part time job in addition to my full time local government job because I was paid peanuts and needed the extra money. I definitely wouldn’t have worked retail if I didn’t need to, but it was a fine side job that I enjoyed a bit. I love fashion, so I loved working in retail because I got incredible discounts and got to see all the new arrivals all the time – it definitely kept me current. A bunch of my friends from my government job had second jobs, and several of us were also in retail because we enjoyed it.

   3. My pension kicks in at age 59, so I plan on retiring from my job then but working part time (barista FIRE is my plan) until at least 65. My plan is to live off of my pension + my part time income and to put off drawing from my 401k or taking social security til I’m much older. I would like to travel a bunch / pursue my active hobbies that I may or may not be able to do (or do to the extent I’d want to) if I waited til 65 to retire.

      I don’t know if any of these would work for you given your law schedule (I plan on working PT part of the year and then taking time off to travel, then coming back to my old PT job or finding a new one). Some jobs I’m considering are: working with a local nature / conservation group in either education, outreach, or more hands on labor / clean ups, substitute teaching, lifeguarding, referee or coach, train a therapy dog and bring to hospitals or other places, get involved with volunteer firefighting or search and rescue (I work in government and administer a grant program for this type of activity so I’m very familiar with it even though I don’t partake), tutor, work as a barista in a local coffee shop, work in a local business that I enjoy (a local pub, flower shop, something like that), get a part time, remote grant writing job / communications job / editing job (my career has been mostly comms and grants in government), teach a community college class related to my career, copyedit court transcripts (I get a lot of ads for this, looks kind of fun).

      I’d love to teach CC so I can get free tuition for classes (in my county its free after age 70; though I could also pay out of pocket) because I think it’d be fun to learn new skills. I think I would just work my way through any and every CC class that interests me, whether its just for fun (history or language classes) or to learn a new skill (I would love to get my AA in nursing, just because I think understanding it better would be good for me)

      1. Your response is really helpful. Thank you.

   4. why do you want a job? if it’s just to occupy your time and get some people interaction this might be a great time to volunteer or commit to a charity or alumni group. If you need money by all means get a job as a barista but that doesn’t sound like your situation

      1. A smart volunteer with consistent daytime availability is worth their weight in gold.

      2. +1 service jobs, especially now, are not something I would ever return to unless I HAD to. Find some volunteering opportunities!

   5. I worked a side job on top of a full-time job for 5 years after I graduated from college to make ends meet. Unless the side job is more of a hobby or a passion like teaching yoga or music lessons, I wouldn’t do it. You are a grownup and presumably don’t need the money, the stress, or the disrespect of working a customer service job. Get a hobby instead.

   6. I have a part time retail job where I work a single shift one day per week. It’s not at all lucrative (I think my last bi-weekly paycheck was $60 hahaha) but I enjoy it and the discount is useful. It is kind of a pain to work a full day and then go to another job or to spend part of my weekend working, but I enjoy the people I work with and it scratches the socialization itch that I need as a single woman who lives alone and doesn’t have a ton of friends.

      I’d say try it out for a couple months and see how you feel—you may hate it, you may love it. It’s been nice to get out of my “white collar educated rich people” bubble and interact with all types of different people. Sometimes I think a lot of this board needs to do the same…

   7. your DH travels a lot for work also on weekends? i mean i realize some jobs involve weekend travel, but many do not. if he is traveling on weekends, does he go any places you are interested in visiting. i’d tag along. we still have 2 kids at home, but my DH has had many recent trips i’d happily tag along to – NYC, Denver, Miami, Boston, London to name a few.

   8. I work with a local florist as a wedding freelancer – most of the work I do is full day weekend commitments, but they also have people come in during the week to help around the studio. For me, I love creating something beautiful that’s totally different than my full-time desk job and I’ve found a great community of (mostly) women who are creative and hardworking. I didn’t have any floral experience coming in (and I still don’t have great name recognition for flowers!), but they were looking for people who are enthusiastic and willing to learn.

      1. Oh this is my dream.

   9. When I was in a similar position, I flipped a couple of houses in my neighborhood. Then my firm went through some significant changes, and I went back to work full-time, but flipping houses was pretty fun. I had an additional incentive to do a good job, since the future owners would be my neighbors. I had time to chase down the perfect sink on Craigslist and to haunt the clearance sections at the tile store, things like that. We made a modest amount of money on both houses, so it was worth my time, and it was also personally fulfilling to take a couple of ugly houses and make them pretty.

      1. Yes, I would do this, or perhaps invest in a rent house or something, or I would volunteer. Or maybe work at the library, either for money or as a volunteer.

   10. A long time ago I taught a couple of kids’ karate classes every week while working as a MidLaw lawyer. It was a lot of fun,

       In your shoes I think I’d be looking around for a volunteeer gig. Surely there is a service club or homeless shelter or nonprofit board or similar where you are?

       1. Just when I think you can’t be any more awesome, you drop a tidbit like this that makes me love you even more. Kids karate? You are a badass in the best possible way!

   11. I have been a barista and it’s pretty exhausting and competitive so worth trying for but may not pan out for reasons that have nothing to do with you. My mom worked retail her whole life in various contexts – a lot of small businesses are very poorly run, so I would keep an eye out for that as you are job hunting. Personally I’d focus on a national chain store where I wanted the discount.
       If you’re interested in volunteering, any school would be thrilled to have someone – they are so short staffed so having someone who can read with kids or assist in the specials or at lunch is a blessing. If you don’t have a contact, try to connect with the guidance counselor. Meals on Wheels also needs people with daytime availability to do deliveries.
       The federal government has a wonderful volunteer database that is searchable by location. There are lots of positions at national parks and historical sites, as well as with local projects and special events. If you can’t find it post again and I can look it up for you.
       I’d also look for adjunct teaching positions at a nearby law school or an undergrad poli sci or paralegal studies program. I’m sure you have practical skills whether in writing or negotiation or whatever your substantive area is.
       Last of all, my parents have tried out SO many different things in their late career and early retirement years. It’s been challenging sometimes but also a blast, so no pressure to do the perfect thing or commit to something immediately that you’ll do for ten years. Honestly you’re lucky to have this flexibility! Good luck

   12. I work 10-20 hours per week. I have young kids at home right now, so don’t have a ton of time on my hands, but I volunteer a fair amount and definitely look forward to amping up my volunteer work when my kids are older. I also plan to do more travel with my husband, who’s an academic and travels a lot (although a lot of his travel is within the US to places I’ve already been and don’t have much desire to go back to). I don’t think I would work in the service industry. Checking people out at the elementary school book fair is as close to working a cash register as I want to get. The one exception might be working in a bookstore, since I love reading and talking about books.

4. I’m usually pretty gracious, but I’m at a point where I’m so unhappy with how some things are going in my life right now that I simply can’t be happy and gracious for those around me who are hitting milestones I’d love to hit but can’t.

   I will be spending my upcoming 35th birthday at my younger cousin’s wedding. I have spent my 20s and 30s happily attending loved ones’ weddings (and spending a lot to do so!), even as my own love life left MUCH to be desired. Between the wedding being on my birthday, the fact that my cousin is 9 years younger than me, and the fact that a wedding obviously represents something that I find majorly lacking in my own life, I’m distraught over it.

   I’ve hated being single most of my adult life (with a few bad situationships sprinkled in), I’ve put myself out there in so many different ways, I have probably done everything I can to meet someone, and yet I just haven’t met the right person. I know that a healthy, loving, and fun relationship isn’t the answer to all of my problems, but it would bring me a lot of joy and satisfaction to my life. I’m an extrovert and I am so lonely – eating dinner alone 5 or 6 nights a week sucks; not having anyone to chat with about my day sucks; having to do everything for myself all of the time sucks. I also would love to have kids, but given how single I am and my current age it’s probably unlikely that I’ll have biological children. I know there are other options, but its just one more thing in my life that seems harder / more expensive because the world isn’t set up for single people. I do have great friends, but my social life has slowed down considerably since almost all of my friends are married and several are starting families. I do really worry about how lonely my future looks if I stay single while everyone else is busy with their partner and children.

   In addition to being unhappily single, I hate that the milestones I have hit aren’t celebrated. Most celebratory milestones in adulthood involve a partner and a family, which I don’t have. I would love to buy a house (not to check the box, but because I love doing DIY renovations and would have a lot of fun with it), but in my area even with a good job its really hard to buy something solo. I truly don’t ever see a future in which I can afford any sort of property on my own. I did graduate grad school – online and during the pandemic so I didn’t even get to properly celebrate that. I wasn’t previously a big birthday person, but I decided to start celebrating them just to have something to look forward to … and now I have to spend my birthday at a wedding.

   Being single for so long makes me feel so undesirable too. I think I have a lot going for me (decently attractive, smart, good job, fun to be around, I have some fun and cool hobbies, and I have heard from many, many people that I’m a good friend). However, it feels like none of that matters when you’re an old maid. I’m upset about this wedding because I just want two days a decade (the -0 and -5 birthdays) to celebrate. But, I also have started not enjoying extended family events as much because I know there’s been some chatter in the past pitying me for my singleness.

   I would never skip my cousin’s wedding, and I know that no one is considering their old maid cousin’s birthday when choosing a wedding date (and they shouldn’t – I’m not a VIP so truly no need to plan around me) but I have also cried about this twice in the last week because I’m so sad that I don’t even get my freaking birthday to myself.

   1. Oh, honey. I’m really sorry. This sounds difficult, and it sounds like you’re unhappy. I’m going to try to reframe things a bit, but if what you would like now is commiseration, you’ve got it.

      1. Being happy and gracious don’t have to go together. You’re allowed to feel sad and lonely and still be gracious. The wedding is an event that calls for graciousness but not internal feelings. So let yourself off the hook about feeling any certain way.
      2. You’re not an old maid. Not even close. I was an older bride, and I remember so clearly being 35 and feeling just like you — and imagine having a twin sister who had been married since she was 25 and had three kids! I wanted a partner, I wanted kids, and it just didn’t look like it was going to happen. And the extended family chatter was SO demoralizing. So I really get it, truly.
      3. You sound like you have a lot going for you. So keep living your excellent life. For what it’s worth — and you may already be doing this — I put myself way, way out there. I tried sports clubs (didn’t take). I told people to set me up. Dating apps. I kissed a lot, a lot, a LOT of frogs along the way.
      4. I decided that I really wanted kids, so I decided that I would have them with or without a partner. Now, I had various ways to support that decision, and ultimately I met my husband a year or two later. But if you want children, you CAN have them. I know it’s not the way you might envision it, but I’ve loved being a parent and you might too.
      5. xoxoxo. I understand where you are, and I’m giving you a strong hug from here and letting you know that you are excellent, as is.

   2. Send a card and check and don’t go. Seriously. I’m not generally one to suggest bailing on things you’ve committed to, but this is clearly causing you a lot of stress and hurt that the people at the wedding will not understand. That’s okay. Feel your feelings.
      I’ve been mostly in your same situation, but have managed over the years to make peace with it and even enjoy some of the things that you’re currently finding painful. It’s slow going. Most people don’t understand. My path may not be your path and that’s okay.
      Hugs from this internet stranger.

      1. Unfortunately its in less than two weeks and I have already RSVP’d so I don’t want to bail. I also really enjoy my cousin and am honestly thrilled for her (while simultaneously being upset).

         1. Any chance of rounding up a few friends for after-dinner drinks? If I were in this position, I would go to the ceremony and reception, smile, hug the bride, and bail out after the cake is cut.

   3. I can feel the hurt and distress jumping off the page and I’m so sorry. You are enough on your own and I hate that the world really isn’t set up to celebrate that. I won’t offer advice since it sounds like you’ve tried a lot of things but just wanted to say that I understand this and think it sucks.

   4. It’s also annoying to have a milestone birthday on a Saturday (the stars are aligning!) and yet not be able to have a party that day.

   5. big hugs to you — it sucks to feel that way. can you make plans to celebrate your birthday with a good friend before and after the wedding? or book a trip somewhere cool? i think you need plans on the books to help you feel better about this.

      one thing that stood out to me, though – you’re an extrovert and eating by yourself 5-6 nights a week? i’m an introvert and was eating out like 4x a week with friends before i got married. if you’re feeling like this now is the time you lean into seeing your current friends regularly, making new friends through hobbies, and generally living a fabulous life. maybe a partner will happen, maybe not, but if you’re an extrovert it isn’t good to spend so much time alone.

      1. This- go to every happy hour, networking event, movie screening, that you can!

   6. Can you throw yourself a party the day before your birthday? Consider midnight that it’s still your birthday.

      Are you sure you can’t skip? It’s a cousin not a sister. If you must go, give yourself permission to leave at any time due to a headache or the like. Folks will remember that you showed up but not how long you stayed.

      Can you schedule something else to look forward to? Celebrate your grad school achievement with the sort of trip folks with partners often don’t get to take–the kind of trip where maybe you treat yourself to fancy spa treatments or do something physically difficult and meals are exactly your favorites. You deserve self-care and self-celebration.

      Instead of immediately thinking about home ownership, can you buy a small condo or maybe take pride in decorating your apartment? Focus “reno” project energy on restoring furniture versus knocking down walls? When I was 32, I decided to stop waiting around for the “perfect” moment to live the life I wanted and take smaller steps. I adopted a dog. I redecorated my place. I started taking trips for me whether with friends or by myself. I started a hobby. All those things started to take away some of the self-inflicted pressure and let me enjoy things more.

   7. If the wedding wasn’t happening, what would you be doing to celebrate your birthday? Whatever the answer is to that question, do it the following weekend! I mean this kindly, but we (not just you, everyone on this board) is old enough to celebrate our birthdays on days that are not our actual birthday. So try not to fret about having your birthday overshadowed, and just do whatever you otherwise would have done the following weekend!

      1. Yeah I’ve been rescheduling my birthday for a while now because it usually falls on or right near Mother’s Day. I get why you’re bummed but do the planned thing the weekend before or after.

      2. I wasn’t allowed to reschedule my birthday when I was in high school or college. Due to the time of year, I always had exams and projects due, and always spent my birthday pissy at being forced to celebrate and exhausted from studying until the wee hours.

         Any functional adult understands celebrating on the following weekend.

      3. Absolutely celebrate your birthday the following week or whenever! Nobody cares what day it is — they want to celebrate with you!

   8. There is no rule that your birthday has to be celebrated on your birthday (spring break baby here). Plan and throw yourself a birthday the weekend after the wedding. Doesn’t have to be fancy – rent out a table at a local park and bring pizza – or, go all in and rent a house on the beach with your friends. My single and DINK forty-something friend group is highly partial to birthday parties where you just book a private room at a restaurant. But, I hear you as someone who took a non-traditional path in life on how hard it can be to go to everyone else’s celebrations.

   9. RSVP no, call a fertility clinic, have your baby, and live your life.

   10. I met and married my husband after 40, so I definitely understand how you feel. I will say that being extroverted and wanting kids are two major advantages for online dating. I didn’t want kids so the pickings were slim in my mid30s, so much so I considered having them just to meet a nice, normal guy. My advice is go for the life you want. Aggressively date online. As a fellow extrovert, this can actually be fun even if it takes a while to meet someone. Go to the wedding, look cute and scope out the guests, you never know when a meet cute happens.

   11. ughhhhh! I hate this for you. It is so annoying – I completely understand. Last year my younger sister got married on my birthday, I was the maid of honor, so my graciousness got hella tested since I had to be very graciously dismissive of my birthday to keep the focus on my sister since it was her day. My family is notoriously bad at celebrating my birthday (like didn’t even acknowledge my 30th when we were together that day; they’re weirdly bad at birthdays) and I’d prefer to just not even see my family on my birthday. Okay so all that is said, it super sucks.

       Anyway I second the advice mentioned above to celebrate your birthday a few days before or after, preferably with people who aren’t connected to the wedding at all (weddings monopolize conversation). The best thing I did was plan a birthday brunch/hiking date with my best friend two days after the wedding. It was very low key but so needed. Since you aren’t in the wedding (I don’t think you are from the post), I would also take the morning to do something completely for you. Alternatively, you can celebrate for a week. Like make a week long plan to celebrate your birthday every single day with something celebratory. There are no rules saying it has to just be one day. People take birthday trips all the time that last more than one day, so why not keep it going at home.

       One more thing – you sound like an amazing person. I’m not going to dismiss your the ache you may feel for a partner and a family, but it sounds like your future is going to be amazing no matter what happens. Keep being that attractive, smart, fun to be around, good friend with the good job and fun and cool hobbies because those are SOLID building blocks for an amazing life. Whether or not the partner and family come, you are awesome.

       1. A cousin is one thing (especially if you have a lot of cousins) but putting your wedding on your sister’s birthday is kind of rude. I would have been so annoyed.

   12. Oh friend. I could have written so much if this myself. I’m right there with you. It’s so hard being single when you don’t want to be and when you’re trying so hard to not be. You’re not the only person in this boat!

       The wedding isn’t all day and all night—can you spend the day treating yourself? If it’s in a new city, can you take the day to do what *you* want to do—see the sights, shop, eat room service breakfast in bed, whatever? Since it’s a cousin’s wedding, there will be other family there—can you mention to your parents or a cousin your age that you’d like to do a birthday lunch? If one of my cousins told me she would want to celebrate her birthday at lunch prior to attending a wedding, I’d be all in to celebrate her. Heck, if you’ll be in Atlanta I’ll do a birthday lunch with you!!

       It’s so hard feeling like we single ladies never get celebrated. It’s okay to acknowledge that feeling is really hard and really sucky. I don’t have any advice but I see you and feel the same feelings.

   13. I was completely single at 35, then married at 39 followed by pregnant within the first year of marriage. Don’t give up!

5. gardeners… (outside gardeners)… (ok, people growing plants outside)… what do you wear for sun protection? i’m wearing a hat and sunscreen, but when i try to wear something like a long-sleeved shirt or a random rashguard-type-cardigan from lands end then i’m dying of heat exhaustion. is this where a uniqlo linen shirt or something would be good? farmer’s sleeves?

   1. Sun shirts designed for running or hiking – I think of rash guard fabric as designed to be worn wet/swimming. My outdoor research one is the absolute coolest; but I have a heavier and more robust REI one I’d wear working – more likely to hold up to snags. No shirt underneath makes a big difference staying cool. If not a tech shirt, look for loose fitting, light colored cotton (wet cotton transfers heat away from you really well — that’s why ‘cotton kills’ for hypothermia, but it’s actually what you want when you’re working outside in 100deg)

   2. I’d go with a light-colored gauze shirt.

   3. I would get a shirt made specifically for UV protection (the perfect thing to look for in the REI sale, btw). I don’t think linen or gauze really give that much UV protection, especially looser weaves.

      1. Something like these:
         https://www.rei.com/product/184879/rei-co-op-sahara-shade-hoodie-womens
         https://www.rei.com/product/165053/patagonia-capilene-cool-daily-hoodie-womens

         1. The Patagonia one is perfect. I have it in six or seven colors. I’ve worn it for backpacking, hiking, whitewater rafting, and more and it’s never let me down. I’m not slim either – it’s not one of those “super narrow cut” Patagonia items.

   4. Gardening overalls are genuinely delightful.

   5. I’ve bought a lot of “lightweight” sun shirts and have never found one I can comfortably wear in temps much above 80. I run hot and it’s just not comfortable even though I love the idea of doing it for sun protection. I buy European sunscreen which is more effective and try to stay out of the sun mid-day.

      1. I can’t do it, either. I’ve tried. I’ve had much better luck shifting my gardening hours to early morning or late evening and wearing sunscreen.

   6. I wear old workout clothes and make sure to wear a hat and sunscreen to keep the sun off my face, neck and ears. It’s hard, though, because I sweat a ton when I’m working! I personally don’t wear long-sleeve anything unless I’m pruning rose bushes or doing something that requires protection from the plants.

   7. Safari shirts. I only bought them because I went on safari, but now I’m in love. Lightweight, cool and sun protective.

   8. This is the answer. I have a couple, and wear white the most. Ultra thin, cool “hoodie” that I throw on top of my other clothes. I have big straw hats I wear as well. Crocs on the feet.

      https://www.coolibar.com/collections/womens-tops/products/women-s-cabana-hoodie-upf-50?variant=47943392133434

      Coolibar has great stuff, and wears like iron.
      I have a bunch of autoimmune disease and uncomfortable stuff that is triggered by heat, but I really like gardening and I figured out how to make it work.

      I wear a thin tank or thin T shirt underneath, and those wide, thin lounge pants from costco that are like Tshirt pants from Costco (so cheap… like 2 or 3 pairs for 10 dollars). Throw one of my coolibar toppers on top. Just great.

      I keep a water bottle with me and drink constantly. And listen to my podcasts. Loving “Heavyweight” right now.

   9. I personally just wear long sleeve linen shirts until it gets too hot. Then it’s just a tank top and doing most of the work very early in the morning.

   10. Try this: https://www.uniqlo.com/us/en/products/E456261-000/00?colorDisplayCode=11&sizeDisplayCode=003

   11. I finally caved and got some of the Farmer’s Defense sleeves that had been following me around on Instagram and Facebook ads and they are actually super useful. So far they aren’t hot at all (admittedly we haven’t gotten to the 90 degrees with 80% humidity days yet). I would say order a size down from their size chart.

       1. Oh I wear sleeves like that in my car! It had not occurred to me to garden with them on.

   12. I wear a lot of long sleeved linen and I don’t do the gardening in the hottest part of the day. Mornings before noon and early evenings are the absolute best times. That gives me time to go to the garden store and have a late lunch in the sunniest, hottest hours, and plant and water my seedlings around 5:30 to 6:39 and then have a cocktail (gin and tonic with lots of lime is my choice.)

6. Call me a prude, but so many celebrities these days are wearing sheer dresses with no bra and showing their nipples and I’m just perplexed by how normalized this has become. I’m not saying women shouldn’t show skin – it’s just the nipples that are throwing me for a loop because they are distracting and maybe create more focus on the b–bs than necessary?

   1. i agree although hey nipples are just nipples – it’s jarring to me on celebrities but :shrug:

      I will say though that i went to a professional alumni meeting and one of the presenters was wearing a sheer black cropped blouse with a lacy bra underneath – i really don’t need to see nipples in that situation (or midriff but maybe i’m a prude). i’m not even sure if she was a creative, it was a meeting for successful female alum so we’re from all walks.

      1. We’re mammals. We (mostly) all have them.

   2. I do not understand that look either.

   3. I am late 30’s and wouldn’t necessarily wear a sheer top without pasties but I’m so used to it now that I don’t think twice and Bella Hadid is known for this. I think it’s done for shock value at this point.

   4. They want attention.

   5. Nipples on show don’t bother me at all, whether in real life or with celebrities, but I am always sad whenever a new actor or actress have lost their normal face in all the fillers etc. and I guess that’s a different sort of prudishness.

7. i’m late to the morning thread about midsize bloggers but definitely check out @allie.provost for inspiration – she wears much fancier stuff and in general is like the short, plus-size version of atlantic pacific.

   i also feel like alison from wardrobe oxygen wears a wide variety of clothes in that middle tier you were asking about

8. FYI – someone recommended this shirt recently. I bought it, and it’s great. Totally appropriate for my professional office. It’s on sale today: https://bananarepublicfactory.gapfactory.com/browse/product.do?pid=887183061&cid=1091674&pcid=1091674&vid=1&nav=meganav%3AWomen%3AWomen%27s%20Clothing%3ATops%20%26%20Blouses&cpos=3&cexp=368&kcid=CategoryIDs%3D1091674&cvar=2360&ctype=Listing&cpid=res24052012575104353285908#pdp-page-content.

9. Help me heat my favorite room in the house?

   I have a 20×20 “family room” off my kitchen that has a vaulted ceiling (20′ at peak?) with exposed beams. It also has big windows, which I adore because we abut conservation land. They’re tall and long and take up almost all of the wall space in the room. Currently the room is heated by baseboard and a heat pump mini split. In our Boston winters we also use a free-standing propane-powered stove that’s in a corner of the room. Baseboard and heat pump can’t keep up with the cold in our coldest stretches.

   Well, the stove is dead, will be $25k to replace, and I hate it. It has a large brick surround (jets out at least 4-5 feet on to the floor, and climbs up both walls into the vaulted portion) that is just terribly ugly. It also takes up a huge amount of space as code requires a certain # of SF of clear space around such a stove.

   I would cut off my left ear to completely remove the fireplace and brick surround situation, which would allow me to totally reorient the room and recapture a lot of space. But, without the stove the current heating sources won’t be sufficient. I’m wondering if windows are the culprit – they’re 20 years old as it’s been that long since the addition was put on. They’re drafty – not as bad as my parents’ which are original to their 1970s house, but surely they could be way more efficient. I’d rather replace the windows and regain square footage in my room than replace the stove, but I’m not sure windows alone will keep the room warm. Who can tell me if replacing the windows will provide adequate insulation that the baseboard heat will do the trick? Surely people have rooms with vaulted ceilings without massive stoves like we have currently. Ideas?

   1. Windows won’t do the trick, but curtains can help. You will need to replace the heat from your stove though. I would consider building a gas fireplace there instead (how much of a project depends on how the stove was venting). There’s no way I could keep my house warm with windows, curtains and floorboard heating alone. There are some prettier stoves and gas options these days, too. I put this one in our living room in white and it looks retro and charming
      https://www.rockymountainstove.com/regency-h15-gas-stove/

      1. Fully chimney with flue (all very well maintained). So maybe it’s a gas fireplace insert of some kind and not this massive stove situation.

         1. Oh you’re in great shape then! A gas insert should definitely be do-able and is wonderful. We have one in our vacation home and I LOVE being able to have a fire at the press of a button. Their ability to heat a room is amazing too.

   2. I think no matter what it’s just going to be a hard room to heat because it’s so big. I bet newer windows would help, but I also think it would be $$$$$$$$ to replace a wall full of large windows and doesn’t totally solve the problem of heating a large room. Maybe under floor radiant heating could help?

   3. It’s going to be a stupid-expensive space to heat no matter what, but perhaps look into the feasibility of installing radiant heated floors, so at least the heat source will be close to where the people are, even if the heat does rise into the ceiling.
      This is the reason ceiling heights trend lower whenever energy costs are high.

   4. What is the foundation for this room? Many sunrooms are built on a slab rather than having a basement or crawl space underneath. These rooms can be so cold, and, of course, all of your heat is rising up into that vaulted ceiling. You need input from a professional to put in a heating system (maybe with blowers to push the heat back down from the high ceiling, and all heating sources likely need to be down low.

      1. Partially insulated basement.

         Wasn’t sure if it would be a window guy, some sort of home efficiency specialist (Massachusetts has MassSave) or the HVAC company who could help. Maybe it’s the HVAC company.

         1. It can go either way. If you do an energy audit with a good person, they can help with the insulation vs. heating issue, but the trick is finding the good person. Any of those people could help, as you will definitely benefit from upgrading windows, but with the high ceilings, you probably need more heat or better circulation too (a better heat pump and the windows might be enough, since you already have baseboard heat to supplement, but this is a tricky situation and you probably want to have at least 3-4 different people come in and assess the situation and give you quotes).

            1. TY!

   5. I’m going to say space heaters near the seating areas. You might need to wire some new circuits. At least that way you can make sure the heat is where the people are. (I’m kinda joking, but I can’t think of an affordable solution. And there are better/more attractive/safer space heaters these days).

   6. Look into a ductless mini split for the room. We love ours.

      1. We have one. We can’t use it on cold days. I forget temp cut off but it’s like 20 degrees or something.

   7. Why not radiant heat from the floor?

10. I have a colleague who is lateral to me (we have the same role and have to approve each other’s work) and I get SO much pushback from her whenever I correct her on things that need to be corrected. I’ve never done it in a rude way, more like a “hey this needs to be X, can you please fix so I can sign off on it” but the frequency of errors has increased lately and I feel like I’m correcting her all the time. I’m getting frustrated because I feel so pedantic but at the same time, they’re errors that do make a difference in what ends up happening. Is this worth bringing up to our boss or should I just keep correcting her?

    I’m getting frustrated because I work really hard to make sure my own work is accurate and she DGAF about hers so it ends up being my responsibility to double-check everything she does. These are mistakes where, for example, I’ll say please put Jane Smith in our CRM with phone number 123-456-7890 and she’ll put in Jane Smith with a phone number of 234-568-8901 because that’s what she found when she googled Jane smith.

    1. I’d bring it up to the boss.

11. So… my first time going to Jury Duty. Any pointers?
    Chicago.

    I’m mostly worried about sitting all day on hard wooden benches. I have arthritis and some medical stuff that makes me need to get up frequently, use good chairs and drink/use the bathroom frequently Like… is that even allowed?!

    And I’m not a lawyer and have never been in a court room, but is it true that they are going to potentially ask me a bunch of personal questions in front of everyone? Like, I have to talk about when I had crimes committed against me? Even if they are sensitive/from childhood etc..? I’ve been maybe more unlucky in life than some, and the thought of having to talk about it in front of a room of strangers sounds…. awful.

    1. I would call up the court and talk to them about your medical needs. Ask if you can bring a cushion and some water.

       Regarding voir dire: if it comes to that (and depending on the trial, it might not – it could be about embezzlement or something), you can just ask the judge if you can speak in private about sensitive matters.

       No guarantee you will get what you ask for, but if you are respectful and not trying to throw a monkey wrench in the works, I doubt anyone will be angry with you.

    2. +1 to you will be able to discuss sensitive matters privately. Here’s a script: “I’m not comfortable discussing this in open court. May I tell you at sidebar?”

    3. I was in a potential juror pool in NYC and they asked if there was anyone who had experienced sexual assault (lots of us raised our hands) and then if we thought it would impact our ability to be fair and impartial jurors. A bunch of us agreed it would. They dismissed us without individual questioning.

    4. It has been a long time since I had to go in (two times I’ve found out at phone stage that I wasn’t picked and more recently I’ve had medical reasons for excusal). Be prepared that when you go in, you may wait all day and still be sent home. I was really disappointed since I’ve always wanted to see a trial. I brought snacks and remember being grateful since vending machines were cruddy (I was downtown, not 26th and California but I can’t imagine it’s any better). It was also loud in the waiting area (TV blaring and a lot of people talking). If you can bring headphones during the wait, it might be helpful. I ended up reading garbage all day because I couldn’t concentrate enough to get any work done.

       If you do have a medical reason that may prevent you from serving (you mentioned stuff but didn’t go into detail), reach out to your doctor for a note. The past two times I was called, I was in cancer treatment and then recovering from a colon resection and still dealing with frequent diarrhea. My doctor provided a note each time that I was able to submit and be released. I was able to make the request for a note through the patient portal.

    5. Thank you everyone. Your advice is extremely helpful. Thanks again.

    6. You may get a written form to fill out, and can be excluded based on what you say there. I filled out the juror questionaire and there was a question about how much you trust the police and I said something (truthful) about how I wouldn’t assume the police were being fair, especially if the defendant was a person of color. So I was dismissed before they ever asked me any questions. (even though the defendant in the trial I was in jury selection for was white). Generally the more you can word vomit, the less likely you are to get selected, and for most people it isn’t hard to say true things that someone will find objectionable.

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