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I ordered this necklace from ModCloth for my sister and then got a message that it had been oversold:
I also got her the airport cardigan, but I’m looking for something similar to the above (at a comparable price) to go with it. Has anyone seem something like it?
Maybe World Market? The twisted strand multibeaded necklace?
perwinkle bead strands at bauble bar? it’s blue, but its close
here is the link
This is multi-colored; it goes with everything, I get tons of compliments on it. (Including from the mammogram technician last month, when she saw it hanging with my clothes. :) )
My company’s elaborate holiday party is coming up, and the theme this year is the Roaring 20’s. Anyone have suggestions for an under $150 dress that will flatter my not-20’s figure? (Hourglass, some extra padding at the moment.)
Would you consider going in drag? I’m actually serious. I have done this at a few theme parties and it’s always been a hit. You also probably already own items that could at least be the foundations of a men’s suit from the 20s, or a bootlegger/speakeasy owner outfit…
Yay! Ciber Monday! I love Ciber Monday’s, tho I do NOT understand why they call it that. I think the OP wants to look styleish, but like me, with an ample TUCHUS, it is difficult to look like a real flapper with tight clotheing on. I will need to get the hive’s perspective about what hapened at Rosa’s house–they all started focusing on MY figure, including the guy’s from Merill Lynch, b/c Dad put them up to it by askeing if they would marry a woman like me. All said I was beautiful, but thought my tuchus could be slimmed down a bit. One guy, who looked like a ferret, said that if my tuchus looked this way at age 33, he would NOT want to have to deal with it at age 53. I looked at him and wondered what his weenie would look like at age 53, or even now! FOOEY!
Why is it that men feel free to comment on our bodie’s when they look like a mess themselves? DOUBEL FOOEY! And dad was NO better, pointeing out that I used to be very SVELTE, but not so much any more. Doesn’t he know that I can NOT be as svelte as Rosa b/c I have to BILL 7200 hours on my job? I can NOT bill while workeing out with a personal trainer, like Rosa, so of course my tuchus will NOT look like her’s. But those Merill guy’s were unbeleiveable. If you did NOT know them, you would think they were all Zack Efron’s the way they talked about women’s bodie’s! TRIPEL FOOEY! I would NOT show my body to any man but they thought I should model for them! UNBELEIVEABLE!
Eh, I could, but it’s not really a costume party. It’s just a themed holiday party. And I don’t really rock drag. I’m way too femme to pull off anything androgynous, and most importantly, I like dressing up in pretty sparkly things!
Go as the Dowager Countess on Downton Abbey. She’s alive in the Roaring 20s, but rocks the Edwardian look. Leg o’ mutton sleeves.
Sorry, I know you need help. Just a laugh.
OR think Coco Chanel – LBD with long necklace and lowish heels.
Close to your budget. I also think just whatever cocktail dress you already own with wavy hair and a beaded headband or a feather would be great. It’s a nod to the theme without playing dress up.
sorry for the early threadjack
My mother. bless her heart. She is a caustic individual. I see all of these things now, through my husband’s eyes, and realize what a horrible person she is. She cannot keep herself out of anyone’s business or conversation. She inserts herself into just about everything. She is always right. She has an opinion about everything, and she wants to make sure you know it. She is overbearing. She is just one of those people who is just grating. It’s not gigantic issues that make her intolerable, it is a thousand tiny things. The gestalt. She wanted to walk in the footsteps of her mother and grandmother, who were wonderful grandparents. The ones you think about and see in movies. Loving, doting, spoiling, HELPFUL. She is not many of these things. She does try to spoil my kids, but she is not helpful at all. She has been a grownup for a long time. She’s raised 2 kids of her own. Why does she ask me what she can do with the kids? They’re 4 and 6. Ask them yourself. Don’t ask me what you can do around the house–do it. You’ve run a house before, you know what’s involved–pick up a broom and start doing something instead of coming to visit and spending the bulk of your waking hours reading library books on your kindle.
So, that’s the backstory. And there’s plenty more, but you get the idea. The long story leading up to my vent is this: my sister hosted my father for tgiving. His wife died last fall. We hosted him last year. Aunt & uncle (with whom my mother usually spends holidays if she doesn’t spend with me or my sister) were invited to a friends’ house for tgiving. Leaving my mother “homeless” for the holiday. We had already made plans. Got the word that mom was seeking out places to spend thanksgiving, and basically asked to spend thanksgiving with us. I offered to ask our hostess if another guest would be ok. She says yes, and mom comes for the weekend. It was just like every other–invasive and caustic.
So, my sister had prepped me for this, too: her sister-in-law bought tickets to fly across the country to spend christmas near them (my sister/BIL, BIL’s parents; one of BIL’s sister/BIL all live near to them–and the west coast sister bought the plane ticket to fly east). My sister said she’d be happy to host mom, but that she would have to stay in a hotel, as she is hosting SIL. I got a phone call from my mom not 24 hours after she left our house. Asking to spend christmas with us, because she got “bumped from your sister’s christmas”
I barked that I didn’t want her to ask me that question at that moment. The answer is no, and was no. At that time. But, the answer was ugly and mean, because she didn’t give a whole lot of room for thought or contemplation. She’s all hurt, and maybe rightly so, but her timing and approach are all wrong. My mother, of all people, was the one who told me to never invite myself to someone else’s house.
I’m not looking for advice, I guess. I just needed to vent, and know that I’m not the only one with an entirely intolerable mother. But, if anyone has any ideas about how to address this (without succumbing to her wishes to impose upon yet another holiday), I’m all ears. I should add that we’re not but 3 hours away, and we see my mother probably once every 2 months or so–sometimes more frequently.
Call your mother and apologize for being nasty. Stop seeing “asking what I can do with the kids” and “asking what I can do to help around the house” as negatives. Don’t decide who is getting the burden of mom without her input. Ask yourself why it’s important to your husband that you view your mothers actions as problematic. Give yourself permission to view her as innocuous.
Your mother asked to spend Christmas with you. That’s actually not a heinous thing to do. Doesn’t mean you have to let her but what if you relaxed on feeling aggrieved?
Honestly I am feeling for your mother. I think your husband may be the nasty one- I realize we never get full details but the examples you gave are so not negatives against her. yes you shouldnt invite yourself places, but its your mother and she is asking early because her daughters almost didnt include her in Thanksgiving.
1. I’d call mom and apologize and let her know she can of course come for Christmas. To be honest it seems like you’re a little worked up from too many days with her – perhaps invite her for a shorter stay at Christmas? I don’t see how you tell her she can’t come and wind up the winner in this scenario.
2. Your complaints seem to want it both ways – you don’t like it when mom talks/opines, but you also don’t like it when she holes up with her Kindle or asks what you would like her to do rather than taking the initiative. Toys and popular games are different now than when you and your husband were kids, and kids’ interests can change quickly anyway, right? And even having plenty of experience running your own household doesn’t automatically translate into knowing how to work yourself into another person’s household routine. I’d stop viewing the quiet reading or questions as negatives and have a few go-to suggestions for her when she asks.
3. My mom can be overly opinionated too, so I do get it — sometimes you want her to JUST SHUT UP about Ebola or the neighbor’s kid who moved to Atlanta for his career and do you need to move to advance? or whether the drugstore version of X brand is as effective or how we’ll handle childcare with two busy jobs. I used to waste a lot of energy actually engaging with her on these topics, and now just let her chatter kind of wash over me and keep a little mental tally to play Mom bingo with my husband after she leaves. Sometimes she surprises us and stays upbeat for a visit!
+1, especially to point 3. That is exactly my mom. I have decided to not let her negativity ruin my days and try to view her through the filter of the positives in our relationship.
I realize the small grating behaviors you mention can be difficult to describe in a blog comment, but this seems like an overreaction on your part. Why do you and your sister keep planning holidays without taking your mother into consideration? Unless she is abusive, she shouldn’t have to invite herself anywhere, because you should already be inviting her without prompting. Anyway, I don’t think the rule about not inviting yourself over to someone’s house quite applies to mothers at the holidays like it does the rest of the time.
When you want someone to help with something, it is definitely more helpful if they just take charge of a task and execute it without needing step-by-step directions, but some people just are not going to do this. Maybe your mom wants to help in theory, but, having completed her own childrearing, is not prepared to be a super-grandma the way you want her to be. I would try to look at her offers to help in a more positive light: maybe it’s not what you want, but it is something.
Completely agree with all of this….
My father has mental illness and your mother’s behavior this far is my fantasy for a parent. I think you have truly lost perspective, and I wonder that is really going on. You have no idea how good you have it.
When my kids were little my mother really wanted to help, but she’s just not great with small kids, so there wasn’t much she could actually accomplish. Unless you’re actually expecting her to provide domestic services, let her read the books on her kindle if it makes her happy.
With my mom, I learned there are a few things she’s actually happy to do – like fold laundry – so when she asks what she can do, I assign those tasks. But I don’t really expect anything from her and it’s much better that way.
Managing your expectations really is key.
I just reread the sentence about “imposing on yet another holiday” and it really broke my heart. Your mom does not sound like a horrible person at all- it sounds like you have totally become poisoned against her. Unless there is abuse or real issues (not instinctively knowing to pick up a broom when she comes over is not an issue) of course she is going to “impose” on your holidays- she is your mother!
OP- My mother is divorced and hasn’t remarried and is always worried she’s “imposing”. It breaks my heart to think of her having to spend the holidays alone. Your post made me so sad.
NONE of the behaviors you described make her a “horrible person” or “entirely intolerable.” At worst, it’s annoying behavior that grates when you have to spend a lot of time together. You need to look at the root cause of your issues with her, and I suspect it’s your husband.
Yeah, I agree with the above commenters. It’s hard to convey all the small annoyances that lead up to an outburst like this, but no examples you’ve given of your mother have been “horrible” or “caustic”. It’s impossible to tell from your post whether your mom is actually overstepping the line or whether you are a bit tone deaf and heartless. I agree that you need to reasses whether your husband is poisoning your perspective on your mother, and you also need to apologize and invite your mother for Christmas.
thanks for the replies, ladies. I try to let the chatter just become background noise, but when it is things like: giving my husband permission to do something in his own house through a conversation to which she was not privy, but just overheard; it’s hard to bite my tongue, and roll my eyes without her seeing, but we do it the best we can.
I wish I could just tell my mom to grow up and live her own life. (yes, my frustrations this morning come from a too-many-days-stay.) She arrived on Wednesday and left on Saturday, and while we didn’t have work, it sure didn’t feel like a vacation.
However, you all bring up some great points–trying to view her more as innocuous or at least not caustic would help. Maybe we just need to print off a Mom Bingo card like what was found last week for T-giving family bingo.
I know that keeping her from our home at Christmas makes me not a winner. It definitely makes me look like the bad guy. But, her presence in our house is stressful for everyone (including the kids–you should have heard the 4-year-old hand it to her when she was out of line–she was purposefully sitting in daddy’s “seat” on the couch, and he was trying to explain that it was HIS, and she was basically telling my son that she didn’t care, she’d do what she wanted and would sit there anyway!) so her staying away will help keep the family sane and balanced here at home.
But really, I need to hear more of your input. Thanks, and I’m still all ears.
Your husband sounds like a Grade A jerk. His seat on the couch? And you’re blaming your mom for bringing the stress?
That sounds sort of like normal grandparent-little kid interaction to me (presumably, daddy is a grown-up and is capable of sitting somewhere else if someone is in his spot). I’d stop thinking of your mom as “caustic” and a “horrible person” and work from there – it sounds like she irritates you, which is understandable, but she really doesn’t sound like an actual horrible person.
Also, “caustic” implies scathing or bitter – I’m not seeing that kind of nastiness in your description. Not sure if you’re using it to mean something else?
Not judging either the husband or the grandma, but as a child of the 70s, this anecdote reminds me a little of someone sitting in Archie Bunker’s chair.
Yeah, I feel like 4 is an appropriate age to learn that when we have guests, we share things like our favorite seat with them.
Sitting in “someone’s seat” on a COUCH is not a bad thing. Good grief! Sure, I usually sit on the end of the couch and my husband in the middle, but neither I nor my kids are going to complain if a guest sits in our usual place while they are visiting!!!
plus a million. Oh my god lady- its a couch. Learn to be more flexible when you have a guest. I actually think you should think about therapy. Calling your mother a horrible, caustic person is such an extreme overreaction to these normal everyday annoyances.
Honestly I think you and your husband sound super high strung/tightly wired and you are passing it off to your children. There is no reason, at all, for a four year old to feel his dad is going to be so upset about not getting “his spot” on the couch that he feels like he needs to go hand it to his grandmother. You are letting your resentment pass on to your kids and that must be very painful for her. Honestly you really need to revaluate this sitution- her staying away doesn’t solve the issue of keeping the family sane, you all need to learn to deal with people that are slightly different than you.
That said, she doesn’t live very far away, so probably keep any visits to two nights max.
Gah. Really? The four-year-old is telling grandma where on the couch she is allowed to sit? And she is supposed to take orders from said four-year-old? Not super seeing that as the crime of the century — at least not on her part. (And you kids! Get off my lawn!)
House guests are hard. I had the best, most adorable houseguests in the world for four days (my son and a Marine buddy) and I was still not heartbroken to see them go yesterday. Add a couple of kids and some in-law dynamics and a dash of mother/daughter resentment, and it gets a million times harder.
Any chance of throwing money at this problem by getting her a hotel room nearby?
Wow…. just….. Wow….
I don’t agree with your perception of reality. But family can do that to you.
Definitely agree with the suggestion of having her stay at a hotel nearby. I would give anything to have my Mom stay with me again, but she’s long past away.
You are so lucky and you don’t even know it.
Seriously. Especially since you mention that you only starting realizing how “horrible” she was after your husband came along, plus the mention of your husband being so ridgid about his spot on his couch that grandma cant have it- I really think there are other issues going on here. Is your husband very controlling about his life/ways? You seem to be expecting your mother to play some perfect version of a 1950s grandma that you can’t even see her as a person. You are so out of line here and your reality is really warped.
I am wondering if some of this is that there’s some psychological resistance to seeing how the husband is controlling and warping the family’s behavior and grandma’s presence makes it too obvious and is thus anxiety-causing. (We clearly don’t have the facts to establish that so I am just speculating, but from what we know it seems like a potential concern.)
I didn’t want to jump to conclusions but with the update I kind of agree Em. Its like in a movie when you realize who the real bad guy when most of the movie you thought it was someone else. OP your husband seems like the bad guy here, not the mom.
“including the kids–you should have heard the 4-year-old hand it to her when she was out of line”
Um, you need to teach your four year old that it is not appropriate to “hand it to” an adult. The four year old does not make the call as to who is “out of line.” Nor was your mother’s behavior out of line.
It sounds to me like your child was mimicking an angry reaction his father often gives when someone is “out of line” or sits in his spot. Not healthy.
This 4 year old “handing it” to grandma for sitting in dad’s couch spot reminds of me of Miranda covertly mopping up the spilled beer when her new BF was in the restroom so that he wouldn’t yell at the waitress.
Your husband has issues. Your child is learning to live in fear of them. Your mom wanting to visit twice in 5 weeks is the least of your problems.
Yes, this, too. (I’m anon at 12:09). When I was a young kid I would also monitor and try to mitigate other’s behavior in an effort to avoid my father’s (sometimes violent) blow-ups.
You should be teaching the 4 year old better, not Mom.
Sounds like the 4 year old was trying to protect grandma from Dad’s wrath.
Hey, I just wanted to express some sympathy. My MIL used to drive me around the bend, until I finally adjusted to letting her chatter wash over me, and stop engaging, as one of the comments above. My MIL is also very insecure, which amps up her stress level (and chattiness) and thus mine.
I also think that as my kids got older, my feeling like I had to tamp down the kid chaos and keep her entertained at the same time lessened. Some grandparents (and adults of any age) don’t engage very well with children.
This is a really good description of the dynamic between me and my own mother. Like the OP’s mom, she would also find a way to get into a conversation that was supposed to be between me and my husband and insert her own opinion (or even “give permission”). It took both of us time to mellow once there were kids in the picture, but – and I think this is the main difference – my husband genuinely likes her and has always been easygoing with her, and vice versa. I do think the OP’s husband is probably stirring up stuff between mother and daughter that could otherwise easily be ignored or dealt with.
WHOA. Just…….wow. I was honestly expecting a nasty mom but the original post plus the follow-ups are just so f#cked up. OP – listen to the ladies on here. Your point of view is seriously skewed.
I have to go hug Mama Godzilla immediately.
Right or wrong, the fact is that your mother’s visits are causing you and your family a lot of stress. Regardless of whether that’s due to underlying issues in your family dynamic that her visits bring to light or whether your relationship with her is truly this troubled, it sounds like you (and your husband) could use a sounding board to work through these issues.
Clearly the vast majority of the people here think you’re 100% in the wrong, but the fact that you and your sister seem to be on the same page (and your sister is clearly NOT married to your husband) leads me to believe that even if people are onto something about your perception of the situation being a little bit skewed, you can’t be 100% full on making this up in your head. Either way, I don’t think therapy would hurt.
Jean-Paul Satre was a truly wise man…
It’s often hard to have houseguests because you can’t get away from each other. But since you wrote about how not having your mother come for Christmas would help keep things sane and balanced at home, would it be possible for your family to travel to your mom’s around Christmas for a short visit? You might feel less imposed upon, and it might help you mend fences with your mother, too. You could also consider staying in a hotel rather than with her so as to limit your exposure.
i failed to mention this earlier: we are traveling to see her for the weekend before Christmas through Monday or Tuesday.
I clearly didn’t do a good job painting a picture about my issues with her, but there’s little point in doing so now. I do need to re-evaluate my relationship with her, and figure out how to manage expectations. Sister and I have had lengthy email discourse throughout the day today about how to have a relationship with her, as adults. We are on the same page, though my sister seems to have advanced in her perspective a bit more than me–she is further along. I’m getting there. She brought up the point that mom is probably operating the way she does from a position of fear and zero confidence. She is probably depressed, but I don’t think she has been diagnosed or is on medication. That is not my business. I do know that she is not doing those things TO me, but it is hard not to take things personally.
You did a very good job painting the picture- those are 5 well written, long paragraphs. Its just that you are completely out of touch with whats going on here and cant see that the 4 old yelling at grandma doesnt mean that grandma is the problem.
Your comment that your mothers possible undiagnosed depression is not my business combined with everything you said above makes me think that you are a sociopath.
I dont get why you think the sister is on the same page- the sister said she would be happy to have mom, she is just physically out of room for an overnight
Well, I think so for a few reasons. OP said her sister gave her a “heads up” about the Christmas situation, which sounds like she was bracing her for the negative reaction that they were both expecting. And the sister here is not exactly bending over backwards to make mom feel welcome to come to her home. For the amount OP is being vilified here, she had mom for Thanksgiving and maybe will for Christmas, too, while her sister is having her for neither. I would expect that if OP was this hateful daughter and her sister was on her mom’s side about their issue, mom would be spending the holidays with sister and not with OP. I mean I guess I could see how maybe sister disagrees, but I didn’t get that vibe at all from the posts. Just my thoughts.
I’ll try to give you the benefit of the doubt that you’re just so frustrated with your mother that you aren’t able to actually articulate the annoying things that she is doing. I can see how, if there are personality clashes, even innocuous things can be super annoying. But really, you say your mother needs to grow up, but it sounds like you also need to grow up. I think a lot of people have a hard time setting aside their teenage selves around their parents (the eye roll, the feeling that everything they say is said on purpose to be the most annoying thing possible), but you need to. I can also see how if your attitude towards your mother is barely restrained annoyance (even if it is perfectly justified) that her response would be to ask you what she should be doing (in order to try to avoid stepping on your toes) or to just check out/sit and read quietly.
I mean, I’ve been trying to read your post imagining that my most annoying relative at their most obnoxious was saying these things, and it still seems like you’re being a little harsh. I mean, it sounds sort of like you just can’t be bothered with saying, “oh, can you empty the dishwasher?” Or, “Little Jacob really loves legos”, or “ask Fifi what she wants to do, she probably has some ideas”. I mean, it sounds like if she did “grow up and live her own life”, you would then criticize her for not being there for her grandkids and being the warm loving perfect grandmother you want. Maybe your husband has a back problem so he has to sit in a certain seat? Or is OCD and like Sheldon Cooper is very uncomfortable with not sitting in his own seat?
But if you really can’t stand to have her at your house again, you can tell her she can’t come… it is your house. Offer to pay for her hotel room at your sister’s. But you can’t do it with a totally clear conscience, because you’re not being very nice to your mother, and seem to be completely aggravated that she wants to spend the holidays with her family. If you invite her, it’s not “succumbing to her wishes”, but rather being a decent and loving human being.
Home for the Holidays
I really hope you’re a troll. This is ridiculous.
All this tells me is that you’re mom is harmless, her daughters are jerks, and the grandchildren are turning out just like their parents.
My MIL will just start cleaning at my house and I actually find it insulting instead of helpful. I feel like “geez, my floor wasn’t clean enough for you? You felt you had to mop it?” I would much prefer she ask “how can I help” rather than cleaning things I didn’t think were dirty and making me paranoid she thinks my house is a pig sty. She was a SAHM so is used to things much cleaner than us two full time workers keep our house.
Likewise, at my parents house, my mom gets annoyed with other people trying to “help” while she is cooking. I have learned to stay out of the kitchen and entertain myself until she asks for help with something.
Your mom may just trying to be polite by asking before doing things.
My mother in law once started cleaning fingerprints off my wall. She called me over and started showing me how to do it. I laughed out loud, said “aw,” patted her on the back and walked away. She never did it again.
Why are you irritated that she asks you about kid friendly activities? First, she may be wondering what you will approve of as a mother. Second, kids are not exactly forthcoming as to what they want even when asked. I have a niece and nephew (7 &9) and I’ve never gotten a clear answer on what they want for Christmas. They’re shy to tell me. So I always ask my SIL…she knows that they like & what she doesn’t want them to have.
wow! i am glad you’re not my daughter.
your mum asks what she can do around the house and you expect her to “just do it” like a maid? she is doing you the courtesy of asking what the kids like, so she does not impose/break your house rules for the kids, and that’s your nasty answer?
i bet if she just started cleaning the house, or doing stuff with the kids without asking, then you’d be venting about that too.
Don’t know why your mum would want to “give thanks” for a daughter like you.
So–posting here instead of Morning Thread in hopes I get more responses. I just broke up with a newish boyfriend because I expressed concern regarding his drinking.
Specifically, he went to a HS reunion and then ended up sleeping in his car (bc he didn’t want to drive home drunk)…but was woken up by the police who sent him home in a cab, because (i) he couldn’t sleep where he was (ii) it was the coldest night of the year and it wasn’t safe.
New BF thought that the whole incident was hilarious since the cops were so nice to him for respecting his decision not to drive home. So, he posted about the whole thing on Facebook. When I told him that he was a little old for antics like that, and that is was really dumb to post on Facebook about it, he got angry at me. (He’s in the process of switching jobs, so…not the best time to post drunken antics on FB.)
Also, I might add, this is the second time he’s slept in his car after drinking too much in two weeks. He first brushed it off with humor (“If I weren’t supposed to drink 12 beers, why do they come conveniently packaged that way?) but ended in anger. I told him that stuff like this was fine when you’re in college, but by mid-thirties, he needed to get his [stuff] together.
Am I wrong? I think he will always think I am wrong on this one. (BTW, I totally drink and whatnot, but am responsible in that if I knew I was going to get sauced at a party, I’d book an Uber and not drive there. The whole sleeping it off in the car baffles me.)
I guess I am looking for advice…he’s not talking to me. But I am the child of an alcoholic, and spoke out of concern. Newish BF is mad I said anything at all, saying I was a “buzzkill.”
Did I dodge a bullet by extricating myself from a relationship with a man-child? Seems like he has a drinking problem and I am not sure I want to date someone who is unwilling to acknowledge that. But I already miss him. What to do? Just wait?
Also, to complicate things, he has an extra set of keys to my car (unrelated), so I have to see him sometime. What to do?!?
have him mail you the keys
I’d ask FedEx or UPS, for tracking purposes.
Does it really matter whether you are objectively right or wrong? You don’t want to date a man who gets drunk and sleeps in his car and thinks that’s fine. You broke up with him so obvi he’s not talking to you. Text him and ask him to send you your keys.
As for missing him, yeah, that’ll hurt for a while. Go for a run, drink some wine, watch the Grumpy Cat Christmas movie.
You’ll survive dumping someone you don’t respect just fine.
Two issues here – (1) the quantity of booze, and (2) the failure to plan ahead. On (1), yes as a 30-something having a few cocktails at holiday parties is not crazy. But drinking 12 beers is. On (2), as you say, most 30-somethings either drink moderately enough (or not at all) to be able to drive home safely, or arrange for transportation upfront. This guy fails on both (1) and (2).
Id also add that it’s not your place to decide if he has a problem with drinking. Instead decide if you have a problem with his drinking. Deciding to give him a problem drinker label lets you off the hook for owning your choices. You see a problem drinker, an equally reasonable person might see someone who’s had a fun couple of weeks and made good choices for his own and the rest of our safety. Dating doesn’t require a resolution of that debate.
+1 to “not opur place to decide if he has a problem with drinking. Instead decide if you have a problem with his drinking”
I was raised in an alcoholic home and am not comfortable with frequent drinking. I totally get that someone who has 2 drinks a few evenings a week is 99% of the time NOT a person who has any dependence on alcohol, but I still wouldn’t want to date that person because I know that I wouldn’t be comfortable (even though they dont actually have a problem with drinking). This is not a big amount of booze, but it’s too big for me. Everyone will have a different “breaking point”.
This. I’m also the child of an alcoholic, and I could never be with someone that felt like they wanted a drink every night, even if it was just one, even it it was a glass of wine with dinner.
A drink or two while out? Fine. At home? Never. That is not at all a judgment on anyone else, or even saying that it isn’t perfectly ok to have a glass of wine with dinner every night, or most nights. That’s just something that I wouldn’t be comfortable with.
So if you’re not comfortable, you did the right thing!
You did the right thing. Move forward and don’t look back.
If it only happened once, that’d be one thing, but not having the forethought to plan for drinking twice in a fortnight is not something I’d be keen on sticking around. Like you said, if he does it regularly, calling for Uber or similar, or just taking a cab is the responsible thing to do. Obviously, one would prefer that drinking that much wouldn’t be a regular thing to begin with, but you know what I mean. I’d say you did the right thing. He’s not a responsible drinker, and therefore not a responsible person, and not a responsible partner. wait out the missing him, that’ll go away soon enough, with the holidays, try and focus on friends and family instead of romance, I’d figure that’d take of plenty of time. (If you’re family and friends are anything like mine, anyway…)
Former Partner, Now In-House
I’m sure you’re hip to this, but a visit or two to a local Al-Anon meeting might make the break-off easier for you. I went to one, once (other person’s behavior was not alcohol, but the pattern was similar). Walked in cold off the street, people were really nice, listening was truly helpful. Never went back, but glad I went that once.
anon for this
I’ve been there. I married a man who was an alcoholic, but who got sober, and has been for nearly 5 years now. I’m happy to share more if you want to chat privately via email.
It bothers me a lot more that your guy posts this nonsense on facebook than that he’s drinking a lot. Early in our relationship, I could totally see BF sleeping in his car. But he wouldn’t have ever posted it because that’s not the kind of life he wants to build for his/our future. If this guy is posting this kind of thing, he’s probably really, really not ready to slow down.
Some constructive criticism for this guy or for future guys, though – I don’t know if you used the same tone here that you used with him, but it sounds like your approach was “you shouldn’t be acting like this at your age” rather than “can we reconcile our very different lifestyles, and what do you want for your future.” It comes off as an accusation, not an expression of concern for him or the future of your relationship. You’re completely within your rights to end a relationship with this guy, but maybe what you’re feeling now is a need for closure – for him to say “this is what I want for my life, and maybe that means you can’t be in it.”
Thanks for all the feedback everyone. I especially liked thinking about this being my issue — owning my view of the situation instead of wanting to change him (but I do want him to change, for his own safety).
I am hopeful that maybe he will see that losing someone good (moi) will make partying that hard not worth it, but I am also not holding my breath.
And I will ask him to mail the keys back. What a cl()sterf()ck. Now I realize why people are enablers and don’t confront in situations like this. The blowback/drama/etc.–maybe easier to have a giant elephant in the room if you’re not into confrontation.
It sounds like you don’t get it at all. He was safe. He didn’t drive. Losing you isn’t a sign his drinking is a problem, it’s a sign he needs to find someone compatible with his lifestyle.
This isn’t some big messy drunken dilemma that requires invoking enabling. You date to find out if you are compatible with someone. When the answer is nope it’s not anyone’s fault.
I got to agree with this- this isnt a cluster, its a pretty normal breakup. His drinking may or may not be a problem, for a lot of people his lifestyle choices are fine. There really is no blowback or drama.. it just didnt work out between you two.
Don’t get what? Drinking 12 beers in a sitting isn’t safe. That “lifestyle” reflects immaturity and/or a problem with alcohol abuse. Period. I agree with the comments that she should take agency and doesn’t *need* to resolve the issue of whether he has a problem or not, but I’m not sure why you’re so invested in insisting his behavior is ok.
We don’t know what the time period was in which he drank the 12 beers. It’s fine if O.P. doesn’t want to date him, but I’d much rather he sleep in his car than drink and drive, if those are the options.
For some people that is ok- 12 beers isnt extreme for a lot of people. Football game from 4-8 plus some time after that could work out to 2 beers an hour. that’s a buzz but its not alcohol abuse. period.
I’m not saying this guy does or doesn’t have an alcohol problem, but agree with the posters who say that 12 beers isn’t extreme depending on the circumstances. Especially if you’re going to a party or at an event where you drink all day or for a long period of time and not just an hour or two.
That “lifestyle” doesn’t always reflect immaturity and/or alcohol abuse.
Any tips of tracking down a discount on Jo Malone or should I just give up?
I have a question about eshakti. I’d like to order a dress, but the sizing is off for me, so I thought I’d do the custom-sizing, but the form for entering your measurements only accepts whole numbers, whereas all my measurements end in fractions of an inch (you know, 1/8, 1/4, 1/2). The FAQ says “While choosing a size, we recommend you not to go up or down with your measurements hoping to get a looser or tighter fit based on the silhouette of the product displayed. It’s best to give us the exact body measurements and drop us an email if you need to leave any special instruction regarding the order. ”
I’m having trouble reconciling this? Do you just send measurements in an email, ignoring the form? Do you round up or down? Does it matter? Should I just choose the stock size? I tried to send an email via their contact form, but it did not appear to send properly.
Round your measurements off to inches and go based on that.
This is my advice. Anything you get is going to have ease built in, so the fractions of an inch aren’t as important as the whole inch number that is closest (rounded up) to your measurement.
I think it would make sense if they had half inches, but I think any measurements more precise than than (1/8 inch is really small) are rounding errors, depending on how/where/when you measure. I’d drop them an email but I wouldn’t expect anything so precise that it would fit to the eighth inch.
I got a 15% coupon for 6PM for Black Friday but the Cyber Monday coupon was 20% off. Slightly different from what Kat posted. Anybody want it? I already placed an order last week. Still thinking about some boots, though.
What does one wear to a baptism? I am the mother and my husband’s family would like to baptize our baby in the Catholic faith. The ceremony will be in December in the midwest (freezing!). I have been to church before, but it seems that people dress in a range of formality, from jeans to fancy.
Why does your husbands family get to decide what faith you are raising your baby? Honestly I feel like what to wear is the least of the issues here- are you raising your child Catholic?
Eh. This doesn’t bother me.
Yeah, I realize this wasn’t your question, and so I’m offering unsolicited advice, but typically Catholic baptisms require the parents to promise to raise their child Catholic. Generally this includes teaching them about Catholicism, taking them to Mass every week, etc., and none of that is a small burden. Does your husband’s family understand what they’re asking of you, and do you understand what you’re agreeing to?
In answer to your actual question, I would suggest a nice day dress, heels entirely optional.
Doesn’t, actually. Catholic parent makes a promise to raise child in faith. No specific you must do x, Y, z requirements. Non catholic parent doesn’t have to.
I’m not OP, and I’m also not religious, but I was raised in a religious household. I would get my child baptized. Without the baptism, (my family believes) the child would go to purgatory if she were to die young, before even having the opportunity to decide whether to accept Jesus, or to reject the Faith like her heathen mother did. If I’m being charitable, the reason to get the kid baptized is to allay my family’s fears. If I’m being less than charitable, I want to avoid my mother’s b!tching. Until the kid is 16ish, I get to hear about how I’m a bad mother for risking my child’s immortal soul. And, Flying Spaghetti Monster forbid, I can’t imagine how horrible it would be to lose a child, but I’m sure I wouldn’t want to hear about how I’m a bad mother for sending my child to purgatory.
If your young child died, and your mother said anything regarding you being a bad mother for not having baptized, I can only hope that Hell exists, because your mother is an evil hag who belongs there.
I think the OP should wear a strainer on her head, a la the woman who did so in her DMV picture. Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster! I, personally, am a member of the Church of Bacon but it’s all good.
The answers above are good. I see anything from jeans to super fancy at baptisms. I generally go with a long skirt and sweater for “normal” church events, and for a special event maybe a printed dress with tights and boots. If it is really cold, a long skirt works great because I can wear a nice toasty base layer underneath.
I’d do the same thing. Baptize the kid to make the in-laws happy, and then don’t worry about it.
Sheesh, that’s melodramatic.
I would suggest a dress (not low cut), tights, and heels. People dress pretty casual for Mass at all the Catholic churches I go to, but most people dress nicer for baptisms. Unless it is a particularly fancy church, though, most nice dresses should work.
Fancier. Maybe a nice work dress, like a wrap dress. I was raised that one should never, ever wear jeans to church, but it seems that’s fallen by the wayside. In any event, do not wear jeans to your child’s baptism.
Separately, talk with the priest about your and your husband’s involvement in the ceremony to make sure you’re comfortable. If you’re presenting the child for baptism, you may have to take an oath to raise the child in the faith. You can probably plan for a compromise everyone will be happy with, but you don’t want to be blindsided the day of.
+1, on both counts. I wore nice wrap dress + either cardigan or blazer to all the kids’ baptisms.
I wore a pant suit to my daughter’s. Not sure what I wore for the boys, but guess it was the same.
My husband also wore a suit.
Custom cream Alexander McQueen. Or any day dress that doesn’t show cleavage.
Anon in NYC
A nice work dress or a day dress (like what you would wear to a bridal shower or baby shower). I recently attended a christening where some guests were in jeans, but as a parent, you should be more dressed up.
Something you can hold a baby in without a wardrobe malfunction that you like well enough to have photos taken in – in my area, a big part of the post baptism party/lunch is taking lots of family photos of the baby with all his/her family.
A nice dress with tights and flats (church floors can be crazy) or black wool pants and a pretty sweater.
Young mother having her child baptized yesterday at my church wore a cream sweater dress and she looked great. It was a fitted top and a fuller skirt.
Similar to this: http://www.6pm.com/calvin-klein-long-sleeve-skater-sweater-dress-cream?si3048025=&channel=196&mr:referralID=0408825c-7995-11e4-8d82-001b2166becc
Christmas gift ideas for an 11.5 year old girl? I got her a set of lip balms from Sephora (l!nk to follow) but that’s more of an add-on rather than the main gift. I have two ideas: 1) make this a little beauty box type of gift by adding nail polish and cute hair ties, maybe also a nail file, hair brush, pocket mirror, etc. 2) get her a clothing item: either a pair of colorful leggings or a sweater of some sort. She wears 14-16 (XL) in kids clothing. HELP! Thanks a ton!
Assuming that you know she likes makeup and that her parents are OK with her wearing it (are you her parent? Can’t tell)- that sounds like a really cute gift. Otherwise I would go with a sweater.
I am afraid I don’t completely understand your comment. Does the beauty box sound like a cute gift? The gift set that I already bought is just a lip balm set. She is allowed to wear lip balm (I checked that with her mom). She does not wear any other makeup except nail polish/ nail stickers. Where do you recommend I shop for a sweater? I checked Justice and Target but didn’t see anything that I liked but I don’t know much about 11.5 year olds or what they are into. I really liked one Jcrew shirt (link to follow) but the largest size it comes in is 14, not sure if it is the same as 14-16(XL) in Target or it might be too small.
I just checked the size charts and it looks like it would not work(
A book or several.
This will not work. I have no idea what she likes. I do know that she reads a lot but that’s all I know.
Go to a library and ask a children’s librarian what books 11 year old girls are loving. If she reads a lot, if sounds like you do know what she likes. Books. Get a gift receipt in case she’s already read them.
I just hate to see little girls getting such appearance focused gifts. There’s so much time did that.
Just because she likes books doesn’t mean that’s all that she likes. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being smart AND “appearance focused”.
Gift card to Amazon solves the book issue
Have you looked through some of the tops in the juniors department for a macys or something? Also, H&M or American Eagle or Old Navy/Gap? Something like this? http://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=1019489&vid=1&pid=120005002
At that age, she’s probably in between sizes so a store that has both adult stuff and kids stuff makes any exchanges easier.
Give a pre-teen an Amazon gift card and I guarantee you that they are not going to use it to buy books. Ask me how I know.
But I think the beauty box idea is quite nice.
Fair enough. A gift card to a bricks and mortar bookstore then.
Super cute! Thanks for your suggestion!
My guess is she’s probably reading more current stuff, so you could go more old school – Madeline L’Engle’s A Wrinkle in Time, LIttle house on the Prairie series, Anne of Green Gables, A Little Princess/The Secret Garden. Shel Silverstein books – A LIght in the Attic, Where the Sidewalk Ends. The Hobbit or Lord of the Rings (totally read the Hobbit in 5th grade).
As someone who read a lot at that age, it was always awesome to have new books, and more importantly new authors with a backlist. Include a gift receipt with whatever you buy, in case she already has it. Just because she read it once, doesn’t mean she won’t want to read it again.
My 11.5 year old was reading The Hunger Games at that age.
While I love all of Mpls’ choices, I think they may be a tad too young for today’s pre-teens (although I totally re-read them all at least once a year and I am in my 40s!). Another one I would add to the category she has put up is the All-of-a-Kind Family. Ooooooohhh and The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe from the Narnia series. 9-10 year old girls.
11-12 year olds these days seem to be reading the Divergent series, the Hunger Games, the MazeRunner series, The Giver. She may have those already though if she is a reader but including a gift receipt so she can return them is a good idea.
I’d argue that L’Engle is still totally appropriate, as I was reading some of her other works well into high school, but point taken. I don’t think they are so much too young as a very different style from the current YA dystopian bent currently happening (Hunger Games, Divergent), and that’s not the worst thing in the world. Some of these are among my favorites from growing up, and you get something different from them as re-reads. So, I’ll stick by my recommendations, with the caveat that they might be seen as a little old-fashioned.
I figure this is a case where it might be better to skew young anyway, as the themes for the older audience books I can think of are can start getting a bit…mature.
No specifics, but I’ll be checking back here to see if people have advice I can swipe for my similar-aged niece.
She likes anything from Justice, but I’d kind of like to use my auntly influence to encourage her to branch out.
for our niece in the same age range, she’s a super reader. she has a kindle, so we are giving her a gift card with books. last year, i wrote her a long letter with a list of books that I enjoyed growing up. She really really liked that– since I was really bookish too.
You might find something at Macy’s or Dillard’s in the kids/junior’s section. We found that they have a nicer selection, and less Justice looking stuff.
I have a 10 year old daughter. Beauty box idea sounds good. Also maybe a cool hairbrush (we got these as seen on tv de tangler ones they are AWESOME and they sell them on Amazon). Bath and Body works smell-y lotions, soaps, shampoos, conditioners would also be good. I wouldn’t get real make up and knowing what kind of clothes she likes is likely to be tough. Also maybe a warm blanket (think pottery barn teen), blank journal, art book and cool markers or colored pencils (if she’s artsy). A tote bag, mittens and scarf, funky socks are other possibilities.
Awesome suggestions! Thank you so much!
What about Jamberry? I really like them and they seem popular with my friends’ kids who are that age.
Sounds like you have a great start! Nail polish is a huge hit with my 12 year old. If you want to get her something she can wear, how about an infinity scarf, or fun socks. Mine shies away from bright colors, but she will wear them on her feet. She is also super into Bath and Bodyworks — loves the travel sizes in different fragrances.
Mine is also a huge reader, but it is really difficult to buy books for her because half the time she’s already read it in school. My daughter would love a gift certificate to a local independent bookstore. She would probably spend an Amazon gift card on non-book items (which is fine too).
An infinity scarf is a good idea, or other accessories, because they are growing so fast at this age, other stuff does not fit for very long. Seriously my 12 year old grew 3/4 of an inch LAST WEEK. She’s gone from wearing 7/8 jeans to 14/16 slim in a year and is now in women’s XS tops.
I bought her a beautiful lightweight turquoise infinity scarf in June and she loves it.
Another cool, non appearance related thing, KNITTING is coming back as a cool thing to do with young women. I taught my daughter how to knit and she loves it. There are really good books on how to start (which she can supplement by looking on youtube).
Also, they LOVE Starbucks at this age.
Thanks to both of you! Much appreciated excellent suggestions!
I’d go with a specific book or amazon/iTunes gift card for books and music.
Personally, I avoid clothes with that age group because it’s so hard to pick something that works. I was really tall at 11-13 – all the clothes I used to get were either items I liked, but were too short (dresses, skirts, pants) or not my style (for some reason these always seemed to fit…). Good luck!
Anon for this
I see my therapist about every two weeks. This is partly because I’m in a better place than I was a few years ago, and because my therapist is out of network for me, so I have to pay her full fee myself. I like her a lot, and we’ve made a lot of progress, which is why I continue to see her even though it’s likely not the best financial decision.
However, she thinks I should go back to weekly appointments, and suggested that perhaps I could ask my parents to help with payments. I’m really resistant to this idea. My parents have helped me out financially in the past (e.g., paying my rent and expenses (including therapy) while studying for the bar), and I’m finally at a place where I can more or less take care of most of my own expenses. It’s one thing to ask them for a little extra money every now and then, but paying for weekly doctor appointments is another thing altogether.
I think I’m okay enough that I can continue with our current schedule, so is there a way to tell my therapist that I see why she thinks I may need to adjust our schedule, but it’s important to me that I do this my own way without getting my parents involved (there are other problems involving them, and she’s aware of it)?
Your last paragraph here sounds just fine to me. It’s your decision, and your reasoning is clear. For what it’s worth, I’m not sure it was her place to advise you specifically about where you should get the money, so you don’t even necessarily owe it to her to explain why you don’t want to ask your parents.
+1. Honestly, this sends up some red flags for me about your therapist.
Someobe else recently told me that their therapist recommended an uptake on their sessions. I’ve also heard this from other folks in past years. I can’t help but notice that (1) it was folks who pay the therapist’s full fee out of pocket and (2) it was always at the end of the year (i.e., right before the holidays).
FOOEY on your thereapist for trying to fleece you out of extra money and worse yet for tryeing to get you to get your parent’s to put up the money. You are strong and in comand of your OWN destiny, and it sound’s to me like the thereapist is lookeing for extra cash for the holideay’s. DOUBEL FOOEY ON THAT! You tell her that she is makeing enough money on you, and that if she realy needs extra cash, to go get extra customer’s to bill, b/c you are at your limit. Beside’s once you become a member of the bar, your worries should be OVER and you will not even need her thereapy any more. Remember, you have the power of the HIVE behind you! YAY!!!!!
Ellen is on the ball.
Wise words, Ellen. Wise words.
H&M is 30% off everything today and they rarely have discounts like that.
Poll for the lawyers in private practice to quell my panic. How many hours did you bill your first year? Bonus if you add size of law firm and location. I work in a biglaw office in a secondary city in the south. Right now I’m on track to have worked about 2200 hours and billed 1900. The descrepancy is due to two ridiculously time consuming (but nonbillable) projects I was assigned to early on.
My first year I think my billables were between 1600 and 1700. I was at big law in Chicago.
In MidLaw, large Texas city, and billed 1900 my first year. Does your firm have a billable target?
Original Anonymous here. I’ll meet the minimum hours requirement, fortunately, but I know most associates at the firm try for 2000. Can’t speak for other first years, though… none have really been talking about their hours, so it’s hard to tell whether the average is lower. It’s encouraging to see that other people missed the 2000 mark their first year.
Biglaw, East Coast – because I started in the recession, seriously pitiful. I think like 1300. More typical first-year experience is 1700-1900 and almost no one makes hours – it takes you too long to get staffed up and busy.
once upon a time
My first year was April-December (December grad, February bar, May results), midlaw secondary city in Texas, billed just over 1800 hours in those 9 months. My first full year I was just over 2500. But this was 2002.
Threadjack – if you and your significant other have both separate and joint accounts, do you keep track at all as to what they spend in their personal account? When I say “keep track” I don’t mean like monitor every transaction, but if SO were to make a big transaction, would you have a say in it? As background, my husband and I have both separate and joint accounts. The joint account is for our mutual bills (mortgage, car, insurance, gas, groceries, household stuff, eating out, gym, etc.). Personal account is anything leftover. I found out that my husband gave his brother $750 dollars for this science project his brother is doing (his brother is a PHD student so not making much money). Further background, we have our first child due in the spring, so I’m kind of stressing about money and trying not to make big expenditures (I was the one who posted the other day about my mom wanting a $400 dollar vacuum for Christmas and it stressing me out).
Would the giving of the $750 bother anyone else? And back to the original question of if you and your SO have separate and joint accounts, do you care at all about what they spend in their personal account?
If you set up your household accounting system such that the joint account is for shared expenses and the personal accounts (individual) are for anything leftover, then I don’t think either person gets to have a say in what the other person chooses to spend their personal money on (unless it’s, say, hookers and blow, and you haven’t already agreed that this is okay in your marriage).
It sounds like the issue might be that you think more money should be funnelled into a joint “plan ahead for baby/buy baby things” spending plan, with less overall for both of you in your personal accounts. Which is fair and valid. But you can’t fault your husband for spending his money on something he felt was important if you agreed ahead of time that personal money = spend as you see fit.
I agree with all of this, although I certainly understand why you’re annoyed.
I know it works for some people, but the personal accounts thing just doesn’t make sense to me with kids in the picture. The potential for arguments or resentment stemming from one party prioritizing savings or spending on stuff for the kids while the other keeps spending on completely discretionary things is too great. Baby #1 was the tipping point that made us switch to an all-joint accounts system. We don’t ask permission, per se, for big personal expenditures (anything more than a couple hundred dollars), but we do at least discuss them.
Deleted b/c duplicate comment
Maybe the child-having could prompt a discussion about finances and moving more expenses to the joint box, rather than the separate boxes? Generally, I would say the non-joint account should be that person’s fun money to spend however they see fit. But if you are budgeting your non-joint account to cover baby expenses, that says to me that you and SO need to have a new conversation about baby expenses and what that means for your joint financial life.
+1. I’d be very afraid that you’d end up paying for baby stuff out of your personal account. It’s probably time to both put more towards the joint to pay for baby stuff together, and have smaller “allowances.”
Personal accounts are personal. This doesn’t seem like a big deal but maybe you and Mr. Romey should start discussing if/how you want to support your relatives.
Yes, I think that might be the bigger issue. We have the same account structure. If my husband spent $750 on electronics from his personal account, that’s his decision to make and, while I might think there are better things for him to spend money on (he feels the same way about my shoes and purses, fwiw), I entirely respect that it’s his decision. But, if he sent his sister that same money from his personal account I’d expect (and we agreed on this in advance) that there would be a conversation as there are family politics at play/other sensitivities. I wouldn’t necessarily not let him do it, I just want the benefit of the conversation.
My husband does things like this and it does annoy me (like gifting a $2000 laptop to his brother when he started his own business as he needed a powerful machine). We are by no means rich people and it is significant part of his monthly salary. We are trying to save so that we can have kids comfortably. But I didn’t want to pick this particular battle. It was his brother starting a new business (which is by the way is doing very well right now) and my husband felt he should help.
The other instance that I remember where I was not okay him spending money was when his uncle wanted to come on vacation to US for three months. I was not ready for this. I didn’t want to entertain his uncle and his wife for three months and spend all the money taking them around US. We ourselves don’t take yearly vacations. When we take vacations, it has to be the cheapest deals. His uncle tried to guilt him into sponsoring the vacation saying he so much wants to see US and he is getting old etc. I stood my ground and told him I was not okay with that entire idea. His vacation was not a necessity and I certainly would not want his uncle to stay in our house for three months. I also added that if this was an expense like hospital expense or some emergency, I would have not stopped him from helping. But vacation was just plain luxury that we ourselves cannot afford and asked him to remember how many times we have gone on vacations since we got married (which was two 3 day vacations in three years).
For me, it would be the loaning money to family that’s the bigger issue. My husband and I have separate accounts and don’t monitor personal purchases, although he’d probably let me know if he was spending $750 on a single item – not because $750 is a huge amount of money to us, but just because neither of us normally spends that much on one thing so it would be atypical. But I’d be much more annoyed if I found out he loaned $750 to a family member without telling me than if I found out he spent $750 on an item he wanted without telling me. I think there’s just something about loaning money (to anyone, but maybe especially to family) that is “we need to talk about this first and make a mutual decision” territory. Frankly, I’d be annoyed if he loaned money to anyone in any amount that we care about getting back (say, >$100) without discussing with me first.
We have a similar set up with mostly joint accounts and separate “fun money” accounts. However, my husband and I have a general rule that we discuss any significant purchases (which we define as $ 500) beforehand. Maybe it’s a good time to set up a similar threshold?
Also – I saw a cyber monday deal for the DC animal (269 from Amazon) and nearly paged you. (Not that you owe your mom a vacuum, but just in case!)
Haha thank you MNF! Well the whole vacuum thing is moot b/c apparently my mom does NOT want one and my little sister was confused. :)
And I REALLY like that threshold idea. We had a general conversation about it after, and I said we should talk about making large purchases before we make them just so the other person knows, but we didn’t set an exact amount. The $500 amount sounds like it would be good for us too. Thank you for that idea!
A lot of people use the threshold method. My only concern would be, if he saves his separate money up and I spend mine on lots of little things, he shouldn’t be punished for buying fewer big things that add up to the same amount. But that’s something you two can discuss when designing your budgets.
Must be Tuesday
My SO and I have joint accounts for joint expenses and personal accounts for anything else. My SO regularly helps out his family and friends with gifts or loans. Sometimes I participate and we do this out of joint accounts (mainly when the beneficiary is a minor), but typically he gives/loans money from his personal accounts. Sometimes he tells me right away, sometimes he tells me later, and I imagine sometimes he doesn’t tell me at all.
We always have enough money to cover our joint expenses, and when we want to spend on something jointly that wouldn’t be covered by our joint accounts (a vacation, new furniture, etc.), we talk about what we each need to contribute from our personal accounts and make a decision together based on our abilities to afford the expense at that time.
Part of the reason that having separate accounts works for us is because I don’t want to know the details of exactly which family member is getting what gift/loan and for what reasons. My SO has always had the habit of helping out friends and family in this way since long before I met him, and his family has helped him in the past as well when he was in school and later when he was starting a business. I found it a little odd when we first discussed it because it’s entirely outside of my personal and family experience, but I don’t have a problem with him doing it, even though it’s not my way. I don’t really want money that I consider our joint funds to be used in this way. So him lending or giving the money from his personal accounts is what works for us.
Also, we’re older (around 40), and met when we were already somewhat established professionally and financially, and have always been fairly independent in our finances and other parts of our relationship, and we don’t have kids together, so this works for us.
ETA: I think a huge part of the reason I’m ok with this is that I already knew about my SO’s financial practices before we ever moved in together or set up any joint accounts, so this isn’t something new that’s coming as a surprise to me after having financial discussions and setting up joint accounts.
L in DC
We have separate accounts but pay for bills jointly. We’ve each given large sums of money (>$1000) before, both to family and to non-profits, without consulting the other person. It’s generally something that we would mention to the other person in conversation just as a matter of course, but, in my mind, the whole point of having separate accounts is that you are freed from the burden of needing to monitor each other’s spending!
If the issue is you feeling like you need to approve large personal account expenditures, I would advise you to relax and remind yourself that the whole point of having personal accounts is being able to spend that money without your partner’s approval. It really doesn’t matter whether it’s a $750 gift or $750 that he’s spent on himself in smaller transactions.
If the issue is that you don’t feel as though you as a couple have enough money in savings for the incoming baby, then it seems like it would be best to address that specifically, where you discuss your savings goals and maybe start putting a larger amount of money into joint savings.
My sense is that baby savings anxiety is the actual underlying issue, and that you’d be better off addressing that. I don’t think you’re going to get what you want by focusing on what sounds to me like a very reasonable, thoughtful gift to a sibling.
Can anyone recommend a good alternative to Uggs? I was walking around NYC all weekend and my riding boots didn’t cut it for two days of serious walking. I need a casual, warm, comfy boot. Ideas?
I love my Merrell Captiva Launch boots. Waterproof, comfy, very walkable, and fairly warm. Add an extra pair of socks for serious cold.
Sorel Boots. I have a pair that lasted many slushy winters in Michigan, with a mile walk to and from class.
Edited as it was in wrong place
Thanks for your post! I bought a handbag from Amazon over the weekend for 25% off, and you saved me another 5% because of you!