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In the wake of the college admissions scandal, let's discuss: Have your parents helped you in your career? A little or a lot? Were they involved in those first internships? Reminded you of deadlines or provided wake-up calls? If you have kids of your own, how does the way you plan to parent differ from the way your parents did?
I think most of us, having read all about some of the crazier parts of the scandal, would say NO, NEVER EVER. But I saw a fascinating article in Inc. Magazine titled “Please Stop Parenting Your Adult Children” that quoted a recent study USA Today had reported on, finding:
By the time kids are old enough for college and way beyond the point they should have graduated, parents — whether wealthy or not — are still doing things children can do for themselves. Such as:
– 76 percent reminded their adult children of deadlines they need to meet, including for schoolwork
– 74 percent made appointments for them, including doctor’s appointments
– 15 percent of parents with children in college had texted or called them to wake them up so they didn’t sleep through a class or test.
Oh. Well. If “snowplow parenting” includes bribing the tennis coach, thereby “plowing through” any and all obstacles, it's an interesting question whether or not classic coddling counts as being in the same universe. For example, I kind of associate that level of coddling with older men — boomers or older — where their mothers did everything, from cooking, cleaning, laundry but absolutely acting like a personal assistant and arranging wake-up calls, personal care appointments (haircuts, etc.), reminding them of deadlines, and more.
For my $.02, I have always leaned heavily on my parents for advice and guidance, and I'm definitely guilty of using my mom as a personal assistant — she's booked a zillion flights for me, although most of them were to visit her.
Mom hasn't called me for a wake-up call in a while (that's what 4-year-olds are for!), but I definitely remember her calling to wake me up before the LSAT, and possibly even the bar exam, although by that point I may have figured out that if you ask the hotel for one, you don't actually have to talk to anyone because it's just a recording. (These things matter to introverts!)
As far as internships and other jobs go, I can honestly say my parents never made any connections for me or got me any jobs, even at a really young age — but their financial support obviously freed me to pursue unpaid internships and other experiences with little regard for money.
{related: my first seven jobs}
With my own kids… I don't want to coddle them, but I do think some personality types require a push to achieve greatness, particularly with academic success — for example, the kid who coasts and easily gets a B+ when with a bit of attention and focus could get a much higher grade. It's early days for that sort of stuff for my kids (almost 5 and 7), so we'll see… but at this point it's a hard no on bribing coaches.
Readers, how about you — looking over the study data, would you include yourself in the 76% of people who've asked your parents to remind you of important deadlines, the 74% of people who've asked your parents to make appointments for you, or the 15% of people who've used Mom for a wake-up call? What else, now that you think about it, have your parents done to help your career? Where do you think the line exists between snowplow parenting and just garden variety coddling?
Stock photo via Stencil.
Anon
My parents have never helped me with connections or networking, but when I was in college and grad school they did proofread and edit cover letters for me occasionally. And they’ve always felt free to offer their advice, whether or not it was asked for ;)
Webby
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Anon
Interesting. My parents never helped with networking, getting a foot in the door, etc. Nor have they ever looked over an assignment/resume, made an appointment for me since high school, etc etc. I was an intern in DC working 2 jobs post grad for 6 months. I was proud to say that in those 6 months, I only got $200 from my parents.
Part of that is because I’m extremely independent (no doubt because they raised me that way, though I do think that is also a main tenant of my personality. I’d say my independence is both nature and nurture), but also partially because our fields are so different, the few times my parents have tried to offer advice it’s been way off base for my field.
On the other hand, I see my parents maybe once a week (we live in the same city) and I probably talk to them on the phone 1-3 times a week so I get plenty of other advice, etc from them. I never leave their house without being given leftovers (sometimes even groceries!), I’m still on their cell phone plan, they always pay when we do things, they offer to drop me off at home so I don’t have to take the train, etc. I recently moved back to my home city after 6 years away so this level of closeness and helpfulness is new and while it is certainly appreciated, it feels weird to me. I feel a little spoiled and while I appreciate their generosity and love spending time with them, I do wonder if it’s making me more dependent…
CountC
Other than paying for undergrad (which is HUGE), nope.
Neither of my two distinct career paths are anything my parents knew anything about. They made me get a job when I was 15, and were on me generally about grades, but otherwise I had to be self-sufficient. I have never really leaned on my parents for guidance (for better or worse) and post-having my own transportation, they have never made appointments for me. I went to college far away to minimize my contact with my parents! I am the child that gets the, just tell me you’re alive texts (now that I am off social media). If I didn’t get something done or missed something important, that was on me.
Of course, this meant that I made some not so brilliant decisions, many mistakes, and flew under the radar wtih severe depression and anxiety for a while. I think I turned out pretty well though!
Anonymous
Absolutely. My first internship was at my dads company, my first and second lawyer jobs I got through my parents neighbors.
Falstaff
Those stats are insane to me. I mean, really flabbergasting. I did an internship at my mom’s company in college, but she hasn’t reminded me of deadline or made an appointment for me since I was 16. (And not because I had everything together either, because I was incredibly scattered for a long time, but I suffered the consequences of that and eventually improved.)
Anonymous
Ok. So you’d be part of the 70%. That’s how it gets so high
Anon
I think she’s referring to this: “the 76% of people who’ve asked your parents to remind you of important deadlines, the 74% of people who’ve asked your parents to make appointments for you.”
I’m not surprised that 70%+ of people have gotten help from their parents (especially if you include tuition assistance as help), but I was surprised that it was such a high percentage that had their parents remind them of deadlines/make appointments. My parents paid for college, would give career advice and may have proofread some stuff over the years, so I would definitely say I got career help from them. But I don’t remember them ever reminding me of deadlines and they certainly never made appointments.
Anonymous
My mom made several of my hair appointments while I was in college because she would mention that she was going to get her hair cut, and I’d ask her to make an appointment for the next time I was home. I can’t think of another appointment she’s made since I moved far enough away that I had to make my own hair appointments. The study looked at adults from 18 – 28, I think. Based on my own experience, I’d be interested to see the results broken down to roughly 18 – 23 and 23+. I’d imagine there is a lot more helping going on around the traditional college years than after about 23.
Anon
+1
Also– under the ACA, you can stay on your parent’s health insurance until you are 26. My mom took me to her OBGYN the first time I really needed to go when I was 19 (had a yeast infection, not for BC). I always made all of my other OBGYN appts and any appts for other health issues on my own. My parents did generally make my dentist appointments for me until I graduated law school and actually moved out of their city because the dentist was friends with my dad, and all the bills went to my dad.
Vicky Austin
I almost want to laugh. My parents GAVE me my career. I’ve been very fortunate to have their support in (almost) all my endeavors, and everything I’ve been able to do, take advantage of or become traces back to them somehow or other, whether because they paid for part of my college or read to me when I was a kid, or everything in between.
They did not, however, remind me of schoolwork deadlines after the age of like 14 (except for when I was still in my mom’s class in high school). And I never asked them to call me to wake me up – though I did ask my husband to do that a time or two when I was having sleep problems and had important tests.
Northwest Islander
Um, no. My parents were grade school teachers. I am a corporate lawyer. When I started law school it quickly became clear that my parents did not have anything to offer in terms of advice, help, or connections. Unlike virtually all of my classmates’ parents. This was a terrifying realization.
I am the one who prompts *them* to make doctor’s appointments for themselves, budget for life necessities, and so forth. It would be amazing to have parents that were financially and emotionally self-sufficient, nevermind able to actually help ME on occasion. This is a big reason why I will not have children of my own; they are my children except their abilities are devolving with age (one already in memory care in early 70s). I love them to pieces but geez they are exhausting.
Anon
I think you are underestimating what your parents gave you. Did they read to you? Encourage your love of writing or public speaking? Drive you to activities when you lived at home? These things are all led to your eventual success as a lawyer. It’s sad how ungrateful some people are for their parents. Just because they’re in careers that you clearly perceive as less sophisticated doesn’t mean they gave you nothing.
Anon
+1
Northwest Islander
The support you are describing is not the type of support that this post is asking about. I think that is pretty obvious.
I have done more for my parents than you ever will. I gave one parent a kidney, I bought them a house, my 2018 “vacation” consisted of caretaking for one parent (including toileting 40+ times a day due to bladder issues) for two weeks so the other parent and the nurse that I paid for could have a break. I am the opposite of an ungrateful child. But thanks for your judgement.
Fringe
This is the kind of comment that comes from people who have either 1. been nothing but supported by their parents or 2. had kids and is now disgruntled by their children’s lack of worship. Parents are not entitled to their children’s gratitude for fulfilling the basic role of parent. Parenting is a bare minimum requirement of having kids, not something to be lorded over people as “going the extra mile.”
OP didn’t say her parents didn’t do anything for her, just that her parents, due to being in different fields, couldn’t guide her like her other classmate’s parents, and that they’re not people she can go to for support. That’s a valid complaint. I wouldn’t ever go to my mother for advice on law when she works in a religious field. It’s just not her area of knowledge and she’s also just generally not been very supportive (it’s complicated). Nothing wrong with acknowledging it.
Anon
Maybe her parents only did the bare minimum but nothing in her original comment suggests that. She just says (rather scornfully) that because they were grade school teachers they couldn’t offer “advice, help, connections.” I’m also a lawyer who is the daughter of two teachers and I think my parents were crucial to my career success. They read to me constantly, fostered my love of learning and research, told me I could be anything I wanted to be and helped me financially with school, to the extent they were able. Just because they didn’t have degrees beyond college or tons of financial resources doesn’t take away from the fact that they supported my career tremendously. Maybe they couldn’t make career connections, but they certainly offered advice and help and it was often very useful (teachers are great proofreaders).
I also agree with the commenter below who called BS on “virtually all” of her classmates having connections. I went to an elite undergrad, a top 25 law school and worked in Big Law. I’m not saying I didn’t know anyone whose parents called in a favor, but it was definitely the exception, not the norm. Many of my law school classmates were from solidly middle class families.
Anonymama
I didn’t think she sounded scornful of her parents at all, but rather like it may have been a bit of a dash of cold water to realize that she was career-wise kind of on her own, while at the same time many of her peers were not. Cynical as it may sound, it’s an undeniable truth that a lot of successful people have gotten a boost up from also successful parents and other connections. And that many others have been for all practical purposes on their own in terms of career guidance etc from a much younger age. It’s sort of a difficult thing to surpass your parents or family in terms of where you are in your life financially and socially, and can feel pretty isolating, it’s not a knock on anyone’s parenting abilities.
Anon
Exactly.
There are parents who have been not wealthy but moved heaven and earth to help their kids succeed (see, e.g., Ben Carson’s mother). There are wealthy parents who have been seemingly disinterested in their children’s well-being, or who are too busy to offer all of that extra support that is so lauded around here.
The ideal is for adult children to honestly assess the advantages their parents gave them, any particular disadvantages of their own experience, and advantages other people have but they did not. When randos on the ‘net are smarmy about it, it is wrong of them, and undermines the entire point of the exercise.
Anonymous
I am also a corporate attorney and find your comments about parent connections odd. My parents have no connections). I know a handful of people with those connections but I have not at all found it to be the norm.
I’m a first generation college student. My parents still helped me immensely, just not necessarily in the ways this article lists (which feels more about micromanaging kids rather than actually “helping” them?)
Anon
If you are an adult and your parents are still making appointments for you then you need to rethink your life choices.
Anonymous
Seriously.
I had kids older so my DS risk was higher than most. When I told my Dr. that I was willing to have a DS kid if that was what I was gestating, she said that the goal would be to foster independence from day 1 since they might outlive me and would want to live as adult a life as they could if they were in a higher-functioning DS level.
My kids would up being “normal” and I cannot for the life of me understand why people will not aim for independence with less rigor than then would for a kid with DS.
K120
But what do they consider an adult? I was a senior in high school at 18. I was on my parent’s insurance, in their household and had to use their car to get to any doctor’s appointment. It was easier for my mom to schedule it since she knew all the insurance info that I didn’t
Anonymous
My daughter is a senior in high school and turned 18 a few months ago. She makes all her own appointments now. I gave her her insurance cards and that was it! Young adults can be on our insurance until like age 26–I am certainly not going to be making her appointments then so better she learn to do it now.
anon
Eh, although it’s not really on the topic of the these stats, I lived with my single mother into my 30s, and we split up logistical chores like making appointments without worrying about who was the “adult”, just like I suspect most couples do. We both worked full time, had pets, and if we needed to take grandpa to his cardiac appt in the neighboring city, meet a repairman at our house, and each get a haircut, it was just much easier for one person to coordinate the whole schedule.
Equestrian attorney
They did, but not to the extent described above. They helped me secure my first law internship (at a small firm where they knew someone – nothing fancy, but it was a good thing to have on my resume during OCIs). They read over my college and law school applications and a few college essays (my mother, bless her, read my entire honors thesis and provided helpful comments and proofreading). But they never called me to wake me up or organise appointments for me – in fact, I was pretty independent for all of that stuff as of the age of 16 or so.
Of course they helped in so many other ways – by providing a well-rounded education, pushing me to do well in school, and providing emotional support. I hope I do as well as they did when I have kids.
Wow
Not at all. I was raised by my mom, who was an office receptionist. She did not go to college. While she did not help me in ever getting a job, she was and has been extremely helpful in taking care of me and my family. When I came back home to take the bar exam, I stayed with her and she packed a delicious lunch every day of the exam so that I wouldn’t be stressed finding somewhere to eat. :) And when I had my kids, she lived with us for a long time so that I could lean in at my Big Law firm. I’m so grateful for her.
primavera2002
Her generosity and your gratitude are beautiful things. Thanks for sharing.
S S
I find those stats shocking! Sure, my parents helped me get little part-time jobs in high school, but I made my own doctors, dentists, etc. appointments starting at age 16. I filled out my college applications completely on my own and had to nag them for weeks to do the tax portion. They paid for my undergrad degree, which was crucial, but when I was in grad school (paid by myself) they started missing due dates so I took it over and paid off the last few thousand dollars myself. I think the balance of help and autonomy served me well later in life and gave me a lot of great life skills.
Anon
OMG, what? This is insane to me. No, my mom never helped with any of those things. My mom’s “career assistance” to me stopped in 5th grade when my homework got more detailed than she knew how to answer.
I’m not saying I haven’t ever asked my English teacher MIL to proof-read a cover letter or had my husband set a double alarm to make sure I woke up for an early flight, but I cannot fathom the lack of personal boundaries involved in having your mom make a dentist appointment for you in your 40s.
Legally Brunette
I found the college admissions scandal so fascinating on many levels and so unrelatable personally. My parents played no role in my college application process. They just told me to study and do well, and that’s it. They never read my essays, never talked to me about what schools to apply to..nada. Not because they didn’t care, but as immigrants who didn’t go to college here, they did not know how to navigate the process. Fortunately I had an older sister who had gone to college before me, and she helped.
Anon
My dad has a blue collar job and my mom is a middle school teacher, so they didn’t help me get a job, etc. I mean, my parents couldn’t even help me untangle what business casual meant in my office or help me learn office etiquette!
They’re incredibly supportive and did a great job raising my siblings and me. I’ve done well in my career because of the foundation they laid, no doubt.
Even in high school, they never helped me with school work or job applications, deadlines, wake up calls, or appointments but they definitely did all of the above with my brother. I’m naturally pretty independent and would have balked if they did any of the above, while my brother needed a kick in the pants until age 20 or so. Now that my brother is older, they don’t do any of the above for him (and they don’t need to… but they spent a lot of time and effort getting him to the point where their help wasn’t needed).
Anon
Ha ha at this (from a fellow introvert): “although by that point I may have figured out that if you ask the hotel for one you don’t actually have to talk to anyone, it’s just a recording. (These things matter to introverts!)”
It’s not a recording in all hotels! I’ve definitely had to talk to a live person on occasion.
Anonymous
My parents were hugely helpful to me but not really in the ways described. Their help was mostly in the form of financial/moral support in high school/college and instilling values and basic personal finance knowledge. My parents certainly didn’t make doctor appointments or check homework or anything like that. They have been sounding boards, proofreaders if I asked them to (which I also have friends do) for things like resumes and cover letters that need to be perfect. This article is strange in combining a bunch of stuff into one bucket. No my parents didn’t do any of these tiny things, didn’t help woth my network, never acted like a personal assistant but to say they didn’t help me is insane.
Anon
Yes!! My parents did many, many things to help me along the way but one of the most important was absolutely basic personal financial knowledge! Knowing basic things like the importance of paying off your credit card in full every month, building credit, compound interest etc. are things I’ve been hearing about since elementary school from my dad. I thought it was general knowledge, until I started talking with some friends about these topics.
cbackson
Ohhhh this is such a big one. I saved the money I earned doing chores around the neighborhood, and once I was about 9 I told my parents I wanted a bank account. So they accompanied me to their bank and co-signed on the account. They taught me how to read the statements, write checks, make deposits, etc. They had me get a store charge card when I was old enough (16, I think) so I could start building credit history, and taught me to always pay it off. That meant when I hit 18 I had a good credit history already AND high financial literacy.
Anonymous
My parents did not purposefully do anything that helped in my career. I know they are proud of what I’ve accomplished, but to a large extent, just have no context to understand the work I do or today’s corporate environment. I’ve been self supporting since I was 14, so they certainly didn’t pay for anything, much less give me wake up calls! However, they did do three things that I absorbed that have been invaluable in my career.
1. People are just doing their job. I may not agree, they may annoy me, I might wish that things were different, but net/net, you need to allow for the idea that people are trying to do their jobs.
2. Get out of the way of people trying to make a living. Let the tractor trailer have the right of way, pause and let a service truck into traffic, don’t waste a servers time.
3. My mom worked with an older woman who was grumpy, irritable and mean. My mom, who is not normally a very nice person herself, was very kind to this older woman for several years. My mom’s rationale was that she knew her mom (my grandmother) was a very difficult person, probably terrible to work with, and my mom hoped that someone at work was nice to my grandma.
So, respect other people’s work, don’t make life difficult for people trying to work, and be kind if you can.
E. L.
This is awesome. Thanks for sharing.
SuziStockbroker
Such great lessons.
Inspired by Hermione
I have a chronic illness, and there have absolutely been times I was extremely sick but still had to be at work/at a doctor appointment that my mom called me (sometimes for weeks in a row- keeping in mind that I was really, really just out of it I was so sick), or where she or my dad came over to take care of me/clean my house (or, when they came over and switched off when I was hospitalized). She doesn’t make appointments for me, and I’ve been doing that since I was in my teens. She reviews cover letters for me, and will help me with plane tickets to visit them (or for emergencies- like when I had to go to California unexpectedly to visit a dying friend), but I’m pretty independent overall.
Anonymous
Not in any of the ways suggested by the post. I’m the first lawyer in my family (my entire family, not just immediate family), and my career is entirely foreign to my parents (dad didn’t finish college and owns a restaurant, mom worked as a teacher for a few years before quitting to help my dad). My parents were telling me this weekend how ridiculous they thought the college admissions scandal was because at no point did they do my homework for me or have to remind me of deadlines or do anything related to my college applications or the like (I apparently once asked them what I got for getting As because some friend’s parents paid them for good grades. “Nothing, it’s your job.”).
anon
+1
Anonymous
+1
I think it’s awful to pay for As. What if you had a kid who does their best and gets a B and another kid who coasts to As? Life will reward each. There is no reason to intervene now when the stakes are so low.
Anon
Yup. I don’t remember my parents ever being involved in my homework, due dates, or studying.
Anon
Yes. Co-sign all of this. I remember making some smart comment to my parents once about how they should reward me for As and my dad shot back, you’re smarter than that, you should be getting A+s, your job is school and you should be doing the best you can
Ellen
I had alot of help from my family. First, they covered all of my school tuitition and expenses, as I did NOT qualify for a scholarship b/c Dad did NOT want to fill out the forms. Plus,Dad has been instrumental in helping me figure out how to navigate in the working world, counseling me and helping me with my apartement down payment and morgage. He also buys all of my furniture and TVs, and assists me in understanding my finances, as he pays all of my bills for me. I am not sure I could be the lawyer I am today if I had to do all of this other stuff. Dad tells me I need to get married b/c he wants to retire, but I do not think any guy I marry will do the job he does for me economically. Today all guys want to do is to have me take my clotheing off for them. They are NOT interested in me as a person or in any long term relationship that lasts over a week or so. FOOEY on them!
anon
I’m flabbergasted by this whole discussion. My parents are wonderful people and gave me a solid foundation on which to live my adult life. They also paid for my room and board in college, which helped a ton. But never, ever, ever have they involved themselves in my professional career in any way, other than to provide moral support. For one — how would they? We’re not even in the same fields. But more importantly, they would’ve seen that as a massive overstep (and they’d be right). Granted, I’m the independent type to begin with, but still.
Parental Help
No, my parents didn’t help me in any of these ways. I was the first person in my family to go to college. I also went to a (free to us) residential school starting in late high school, so I’ve had to manage my own school, testing, life schedule since I was 16. They are very kind and generous, but also did not have any extra money, so they haven’t given me any financial support since I graduated high school, except buying my wedding dress. They do give me lots of food from the garden every time I go home, which is pretty fabulous.
cbackson
That article kind of hits on the wrong stuff in some respects, I think, because it lets people say, “my parents didn’t get me a internship, so of course they didn’t help with my career!” The truth is that for those of us from upper middle class backgrounds, there are tons of smaller things our parents did over the years that helped us get to where we are, from making sure we knew the alphabet when we showed up for kindergarten to getting us piano lessons to helping us learn fractions. That investment in early childhood education and enrichment is incredibly, incredibly valuable to future success. My parents did all of that, and they made enormous financial sacrifices to send me to private school when my mom (a public school teacher) decided our local public school wasn’t up to her standards. My parents were incredibly hands-off about my education once I hit high school – I was on my own for deadlines, homework, class selection, etc. That was fine for me, since I was motivated, but did mean that my brother was allowed to fail (which ultimately was good for him, but meant some rough years).
They had been to college themselves (my dad was first-generation but my mom was like 4th gen college-educated), so they could provide advice and guidance on that process. There weren’t any lawyers in the family, but my dad was a poli sci prof so he had a lot of former-lawyer students who provided advice to my brother (and then my brother passed it on to me when I was applying). And they taught me basic interviewing skills (starting when I was searching for summer jobs as a 15-year-old), so I knew how to write a resume and what basic interview attire should look like, and all that.
My parents didn’t have to pay for college tuition for me, but they gave me money every month out of which I paid for housing and groceries; it didn’t quite cover expenses so I got a job. I’d actually worked every summer since I was 15 and worked during the school year and summers in college as well. My parents did not financially support me for spending money once I stopped getting an allowance (which was when I was old enough to work).
I guess what I’m trying to say is that stuff like calling your kids about deadlines makes for splashy headlines, but the biggest career support most upper-middle-class kids get is the accrued benefit of the years of investment and inherited social knowledge that comes from their socioeconomic status. My law school roommate grew up poor and I have a lot of memories of how much stuff we sort of worked through together to help her “pass” during the law firm interview process, from running through business lunch etiquette to assembling a wardrobe on the cheap so she had enough biz casual clothes to get her through the first two weeks at her 2L summer gig until she got paid.
C
+1 million to everything here. cbackson, you nailed it. The article above glosses over the real point.
Anon
+10000
anon
Yes, all of this.
Anonymous
This. So much this.
My parents were public school teachers and were well-educated (my mom had a master’s, my dad was working on his Phd. when I started college.) They could not provide much financial help when I was in school and by the time I got to law school they knew nothing about that process, but the foundation they built for me, the high academic standards they insistent upon, the trips to museums and the library, instilling the importance of service and giving back, teaching me to be kind, but assertive, etc., paved the way for success. So they did not “help” by finding me jobs or scheduling appointments, and the most financial help I received was my dad gave me money for a hotel room near where I was taking the bar exam (which I SO appreciated!), but they gave me a childhood that built the foundation for my career today as a public defender.
C
Laughing at the comments that say “I’m so surprised! My parents didn’t do anything to help me except…[insert things that no matter how small, definitely still helped you get a leg up]”
I’m not surprised. I think way more people get help from parents than are willing to acknowledge it because it would interfere with their personal narratives.
My parents paid for my undergraduate and graduate education. They helped me apply for my first internship, a position which provided me with connections that led to other internships, which eventually led to my first job. They also subsidized my housing costs during my internships and helped me get office appropriate clothing (I paid for it, but my mom helped me clip coupons, shop consignment stores, and figure out how to dress for an office in a way I could afford at the time).
My industry is not remotely related to either of my parents’ jobs and it would be very easy for me to minimize their help. I could say, “My parents didn’t know anything about my industry. I got my first job because I had great recommendations and a solid background of relevant work experience when I graduated. I’ve always made my own doctor’s appointments, kept up with my own deadlines, and bought my own clothes.” All of that is true, and I think it’s the kind of narrative a lot of people have in their heads. They don’t acknowledge the extent to which their parents have helped them. But when you compare that narrative to the more comprehensive explanation I gave above, it’s clear that it’s not the whole story. I think it’s important to fully acknowledge all of the help you’ve gotten, in whatever form it takes, both to remember to be grateful for the assistance and to avoid losing perspective and drinking your own kool-aid about how self-made and independent you are.
Anon
I think you’re projecting, a lot. Just because you, personally, could change “paid for graduate school and housing during an internship” into “my parents didn’t help,” that does not mean that everyone else had those incredible advantages.
C
And yet, other people have posted on this thread that “besides paying for education” their parents didn’t do anything to help them. That’s a pretty huge “besides.” My point is, if you had the advantage, own up to it. I don’t think everyone else had those advantages, but if you did, it does a disservice to everyone to write it off as a given or not admit it openly.
Anon
Should we also list accompanying disadvantages?
What about people whom we grew up with who had similar situations and did better or worse than we did?
Anon
There are so many weirdly defensive comments on this topic.
I personally can acknowledge the advantages I had without feeling that it takes away from the success I’ve achieved. I was given a lot of opportunities others were not but I still had to work hard and take advantage of those opportunities. I also had a lot of disadvantages but I figure everyone has their fair share of problems and I’m not interested in getting into a “who had it worse” battle. As my mother taught me: someone always has more but someone else always has less. Be more concerned about the latter person.
Anon
Perhaps instead of smugly repeating Mommy’s chants, you ought to grow up enough to understand that there are a multitude of people with problems that far exceed what you have ever faced. Just a thought.
Anon
Haha. Ok Anon at 5:27, you’re right, you’re the only person in the history of time to pull yourself up from your bootstraps with no help from anyone and with the world working against you! Congratulations! Someone should make a movie about your life!
Sorry you thought that was smug, I truly don’t think I’m better off I just have learned to accept and move on from the significant hardships in my life. It took a lot of years and therapy to get there but I am no longer bitter about all the “unfairness” that consumed by thoughts in my twenties.
I think YOU are the one projecting. If you read the comments again you are replying to you are pretty specific about the advantages people are disclaiming. Specifically, the comment you responded to above was in response to people stating that their parents paid for college but that they didn’t otherwise have an advantage.
Gently, if you truly don’t think having your parents pay for college is a huge advantage regardless of anything else then we have a fundamental disagreement about what an advantage is and if you think that significant financial leg up is offset by other disadvantages maybe use some of that money you aren’t paying to student loans for some therapy.
ning
These convos about what other parents do for their children (including my peers) always strike me as weird. Weird for the amount of intervention on children who should be learning to function on their own, and weird because I wonder “What if I had that support?”
The answer for me is no: I scheduled my own SATs, Dr appointments, filled out all my college applications and financial aid forms on my own, not to mention worked part-time as soon as I could start to earn all my own money. I don’t think my mother ever glanced at my college apps (she’s not a college graduate, and was working many, many hours at a low-wage job to keep a roof over our heads). I worked to feed and clothe myself through undergrad, and paid everything not covered by financial aid. She did help me get to and from school in another state and attend my graduation. That’s it. Never looked at my homework or knew anything about my schedule.
My father was absent this entire time, except for coming out of nowhere and guilt-funding a year of study overseas after I graduated university. I chose the program, handled all the paperwork and visa applications. From there, I found a job in that country and stayed on my own accord.
I now have my master’s degree and great career- and I don’t credit them with my success.
Someone who deserves a great deal of credit is my fantastic husband. I met him in undergrad- he tutored me in subjects where I struggled, helped me navigate student loan payments as I transitioned to earning money overseas, always made sure I had a place to stay, helped prep me for interviews, and enabled me to get my master’s (the whole she-bang- proofreading applications, helping with housing, helping with my loans, helping with job searches and interview prep).
I do wonder if I might have done better with that sort of support all along, but I also credit some of my success to a “sink or swim” environment. I’m now TTC, and wonder where I draw the line with my future children.
Anonymous
Did my parents make a specific connection/introduction that resulted in a specific job? No. Did they help make other connections that showed me the value of making connections and how networking does give you an advantage? Yes.
Did my mom call me the morning of the bar exam to see if I was up *and* wish me luck and tell me that I could do it? Yes, she did. (I was already up, set multiple alarms, and had the hotel give me a wake up call). If this last bit is coddling, then okay, my parents coddled me. But I think it’s just being supportive. I never needed to be woken up for a regular class, but I would absolutely do the same things for my child as my parents did for me. I’d also do it for any friends or family who asked (call to make sure they’re up for big life event, or heck, a doctor’s appointment if they asked).
Anon
The way I am wired, I literally will not be able to get to sleep, nor stay asleep, if I absolutely must be up early in the morning. Like you, I set multiple alarms, had the hotel call me, brought an alarm clock with me, and, yes, had my dad phone me before the bar exam to make sure I was awake.
The next bar exam, my then-boyfriend performed that task.
In both situations, it enabled me to actually stay asleep. It just seems like asking someone for a back-up to the back-up wake-up call is a lot more rational than medication or somesuch, which is truly the only alternative.
Anon
My parents are incredibly helpful and gave us a great foundation for life. They encouraged us and we always knew that we had a strong support network behind us. However, they never once did anything mentioned in that article for us.
They did, however, teach us how to be self sufficient in so many ways. My mom is a teacher,so growing up she might have helped us learn how to study so by the time we got to high school and college we could be self sufficient academically. My dad taught us basic personal finance (paying off a credit card in full every month, building credit, compound interest, etc). They both taught us how do things around the house (I can repair windows on my own now). With what we couldn’t fix, we learned how to make do. We learned the importance of elbow grease. We learned how to work hard and that has led my siblings and I to excel in our careers (we’ve all moved up faster than we anticipated in our careers). They taught us to do the right thing, and to be dependable. Turns out, the little things really set you apart in the work force. They’re all easy to do, and yet so few of my colleagues do so. Little things like being on time, being dressed appropriately, and sticking to your word and doing your work both well and on time.
My parents aren’t rich, and they’re not well connected but how they raised us helped us far more than a connection or a job could have.
My parents never had corporate jobs, and they never made big money. When choosing majors, etc. there was some pressure on us to choose a major that would lead to job security, big paychecks, etc. but my siblings and I have actually not chosen that path. We (like both of our parents) are in jobs that we love, that serve the community, and that hopefully do some good in this world and that are probably non-traditional. As hard as my parents tried to get us on that white collar path, the apple does not fall far from the tree. So, they also taught us that serving others and enjoying your path in life are also important.
Anon
My parents always wanted me to be independent. They have no desire to parent a grown adult, and if I ever have children, they want me to be self-sufficient enough to be a good mom. Maybe, selfishly, they also want me to have my act together enough to care for them in their old age.
Anonymous
They helped pay for 10-20% of tuition. I suppose you could characterize their negative comments about my failure to achieve as “career motivation.” But since none had much personal career success at all, they have been entirely without constructive advice or connections of any kind. I give them credit for making me incredibly and, apparently, remarkably, independent.
Anon
I think for any immigrant from the less entrepreneurial or more corrupt countries the fact that our parents brought us to the US or Canada or Europe or wherever you are successful is already in and of itself the biggest and most important career step. There is no way I could have had my career or maybe any career in my home country.
That said, strongly agree with everything said above. My parents didn’t schedule my appointments or even knew which sports I played in high school to come to one of my games. I didn’t expect either of them to be at my high school graduation because they were working non-stop but my Mom ran in half way through the ceremony. Neither went to my college graduation because they lived a couple hours away, it just didn’t occur to any of us to inconvenience each other with such an obligation when they had very busy jobs. They certainly didn’t know my class schedule in college – the wake up call stat above just blew my mind.
But they paid for my undergrad, educated me about basic finances and got me my first (secured) credit card at 13 to establish credit history, helped me make some difficult decisions with regard to work and education, lent me 12K interest free for my first home downpayment, and most importantly have always had my back no matter how grumpy, rude, depressed, and lacking in self-confidence I was or what horrible friend group I managed to land with in high school. This is the kind of parent I hope to be to my daughter.
Anonymous
No, never in the ways mentioned. I was a first generation blind college student with a disabled mother who graduated high school but could not find or didn’t qualify for jobs. I worked part or full time during the semesters and summers to pay for food, housing, and other living expenses; thankfully, I had a lot of scholarships, financial aid, and student loans for the rest. She didn’t understand anything about the college process, networking, interviewing, ETC., but she always read to me when I was little and expected me to study and do whatever I needed to do to get out of the small town and find a job after grad school.
anon
My parents paid for my undergrad and most of law school.
When my then-boyfriend/now-husband and I were moving to our area immediately after college, my now-FIL passed my resume to a friend at a law firm, and I got an interview for a job as a paralegal (with a different section). I worked there for 2 years, then went to law school, and returned to that firm after law school.
My mother has never called me to wake me up. She also hasn’t made appointments for me, unless we were going somewhere like a nail salon together (but in that sense, I’ve made plenty of appointments for her in my city too).
While I was in law school, I happened to take the MPRE while traveling to Hometown and staying at my parents’ house for my best friend’s bridal shower. My mom laid several sharpened No. 2 pencils outside the door to the guest room, which was really cute/sweet. She also drove me to the test and waited for me or ran errands nearby (for non-lawyers, the test is only 2 hours), but that was partly because the test was near the bridal shower location, and my mom was invited too. I’m pretty sure I drove myself to the SATs when I was 16, but I think my mom just wanted to be “mom” that weekend.
Eleanor
My parents never made appointments for me, reminded me of deadlines, or reviewed my resume (though, if I asked, they’d be happy to proofread something for me– I’ve never asked). At least, I *think* they haven’t made appointments for me: I got my wisdom teeth out freshman year of college when I was visiting home over winter break. I used an oral surgeon my parents recommended, and I genuinely can’t remember if I set up the appointment or my parents did.
But, my parents have given me several privileges. They paid for some of my undergrad tuition. They added me to their phone plan during law school. When I had several clerkship interviews in a week, they paid for one of the plane tickets as a show of support because they knew I was rapidly draining my savings to fly to interviews. They bought me a decent suit for on campus interviews.
I think that parents hinder their adult children’s ability to build resourcefulness and independence when they do too much for their kids. Unless the adult child has a disability or reason they need extra support, then it really isn’t helpful to take responsibility for the adult child’s day-to-day life.
But, I think it’s also important that I recognize that my parents supported my in a lot of ways. Help with tuition or phone-bill payments, buying suits or plane tickets, and other financial gifts (even relatively modest ones) make a huge difference at the beginning of a career and let people seek out opportunities that may have otherwise been difficult– I knew, for example, people who used credit cards to fly to clerkship interviews in law school, which makes accepting an interview a more difficult decision. (Also, if my parents had fancy connections, they would have used them to help me– my parents just frankly didn’t know anyone who had the types of jobs I sought out during and after law school).
Fringe
I see a lot of comments responding like the parents doing these things are doing it for the kid’s benefit but I know if my family had more access to knowledge about my life, they would most certainly try to do these things for me just as a way to feel in control. My grandmother called my mother to make sure she was awake on time all through her late twenties and thirties–not because she needed it, but because she wanted a little bit of power. That’s just how they are. I’m sure this isn’t the case for a good portion, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was at least a quarter.
cbackson
I think it is sometimes hard for people from supportive families to understand that behavior that can be loving and healthy in one family can be controlling and problematic in another family.
Like, when I moved back to my hometown and my parents said, “of course you’ll live with us until you find a place!” that was a loving offer that I could decline. My mom might be a little sad, but she wouldn’t say anything. For someone else that would be a command, turning it down would lead to a lot of emotional bullying, and actually moving in would be going into an unhealthy and scary situation.
Anonymous
My parents paid for about half of my undergrad and 1/4th of law school. I had a half scholarship to undergrad and a modest scholarship to law school, taking out the rest in loans. I paid off my loans in the first 2 years and am saving extra now to set at least the cost of what they paid in aside for their use in the future, if not more. I am an only child and I guess the term is generation 1.5 immigrant, as I immigrated over to the US with my parents around age 8-10.
I honest to god wish 16 year old me would have pushed harder for them not to, but the parents were insistent on doing it and I relented.
I am currently a third year lawyer who is doing alright, but I wonder if I had to pay my own way through beginning undergrad would I have been more motivated and more high achieving. I graduated middle of my class at a top 20 law school, which isn’t horrible but is nothing to brag about. Given how much financial assistance I had, I don’t really think of any of the accomplishments as my own, and am always wondering what more I should be doing. I think I could have more self confidence if I had to do a lot more at an early age, but my parents come from a country where the philosophy is to baby your female children, so it was unfortunately way too easy to relent back then.
As for the littler stuff though, I definitely rejected parental advice on resumes, appointments, assignments, etc, probably from 14/15. My parents are in very different fields and from the age of “just bring your resume into the business” and I quickly realized that this did not apply at all.
Celia
My mom couldn’t help pay for school or provide connections or give me much advice on my career, and she definitely doesn’t get involved in waking me up and scheduling! But I don’t know how being a BigLaw mom would work for me without her help. She helped me handle the exhaustion of pregnancy – coming over and cooking, holding my hand during morning sickness (I was hospitalized three times for it) and generally keeping me sane. Now she helps on weekends whenever my husband and I need her (I work ALOT of weekends), and sometimes even comes help with the baby when he’s sick and we don’t have a sitter (she’s a college prof and has some light teaching days). She’s so giving of her time that I truly can’t imagine navigating this first year of working motherhood without her.
ggg
My mom lives far away but she comes to take care of my kids during spring and summer breaks. I am also guilty of using her as a personal assistant during that time — she and my dad help coordinate repair people, painters, etc. when they are here. It’s so much easier to schedule when someone is alwayshome and they are pickier about the work than I would be.
I also rely on her for random things I don’t have time for — pick out an appropriate present for a family wedding I can’t attend, find my kids dress clothes for Christmas dinner, etc. I can remember my own work deadlines but have no brain space left for this stuff.
SJ
“Help” is not narrowly defined here…but I would say yes and no. Yes in that my parents paid for the first two years of undergrad, and I paid for the last two (out of pocket, working 60 hrs/week while taking a full credit load. No loans here!). I graduated in four years, during which I had several internships obtained without parental assistance. It’s kinda funny, actually…I had interviewed for and accepted an internship with the government agency I now work for, totally not knowing that my dad worked for the specific subcomponent I had been hired for. When I called to relay the news of my internship, he was like, ummm…I work there. All that to say, no help at all on that front.
There’s a certain sense of self-capability that comes with knowing that you didn’t ride someone’s coattails to get to where you are. That you truly are, to a certain extent, “self-made.”
Brittany
My mom didn’t do this when I was in *high school* and still living with her. I mean, she made my doctor’s appointments, but helping me manage my ridiculous schedule? Nope nope nope, that was on me. Her involvement was getting informed when I needed to be driven places. She would step in and set limits on what I would get involved in and what she would pay for, but I can’t imagine her making sure my homework got done or reminding me of rehearsals.
Now, I did get considerable help from my parents when I had car issues in college. My mom gave me my first car, my stepdad put considerable work into figuring out why it was going wonky, then they ultimately took it back and my dad gave me a replacement car. There’s no way I could have even afforded a super cheap car at the time and I desperately needed one to keep my job with The Mouse, so that was a huge benefit.
Funnily enough, the “call to wake you up” duties actually fell to my husband (then fiance) my senior year of college. He had a job where he worked overnights, so when I was pulling an all-nighter and needed to grab a couple of hours of sleep before getting back to work, he’d call when it was time for me to get back up and keep me on the phone until I was sure I wouldn’t go back to sleep. Don’t know how I would have made it through finals without that.
Rosie
I’m a bit late but here goes – my parents helped me during college in the following ways:
1) applications and essays. Also, I was legacy at one of the schools, though I didn’t end up going there.
2) clothes shopping. Mom is the best bargain shopper I know, so anything she would buy was in my budget and I could afford to pay her back.
3) emotional support/guidance. There were times that I would call Mom every day to chat for 10 minutes on my walk to classes. I should call her more often, it feels like it’s more like every other week lately.
4) metro cards. My parents wanted me to be financially independent (other than helping pay for college), but Dad would “mistakenly” buy a $20 metro card when he would pass through Manhattan and then tell me he didn’t know when he was coming back and give it to me in case I might use it (I went to NYU), but realistically he would be back in a few weeks. I always knew what he was doing and loved that it was his way of taking care of me, without officially giving me money since I had a part time job to pay for books and entertainment etc.
R. Lopez
Help? No. They gave me $5K once I was in grad school. Never helped me fill out college applications, scholarship forms, or pick a major. They checked out mentally when I was about 12.
Connections? Yeah, the one lead they gave me I got hired for, then realized the org was committing state and federal grant fraud, and had to quit.