Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Helen Cotton-Blend Crochet Jacket
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I have several knit blazers, but nothing quite like this gorgeous crochet jacket from St. John’s. The pompom ball trim is fresh and fun, but the cut is classic and beautiful. I feel like this is something I’d hang in my closet for special occasions, even though I’d be dying to wear it every day.
The jacket is $1,695 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes XS-XL.
Sales of note for 7/19:
- Nordstrom – The Anniversary Sale has started! Here's our big roundup of the best workwear, as well as everything we've selected thus far.
- Ann Taylor – Semi-annual sale, 60% off sale and 40% off everything — readers love this blouse and I always love the variety of colors/textures for this jacket (it's a great separate)
- Banana Republic – Summer sale up to 60% off sale styles + extra 20% off
- The Fold – Up to 50% off, further markdowns
- J.Crew – 50% off select cashmere
- J.Crew Factory – 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off
- Lululemon – Summer sale!
- Me & Em – Sale! Up to 60% off (new lines just added)
- M.M.LaFleur – 25% off jardigans (Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off on other items)
- Nordstrom Rack – Clear the rack, extra 25% off clearance! Nice selection of Vince, Veronica Beard, Reiss and Rag & Bone, a ton of affordable work dresses from Calvin Klein, Maggy London, Eliza J, and Donna Morgan
- Talbots – Red Door Sale! Prices start at $15
- Theory – End of season sale is on!
My St. John jackets have been absolutely amazing. They are knit and don’t wrinkle. You can wear one on an international flight and arrive looking fresh. And they last longer than most other jackets. Only a truly awful dry cleaner can destroy one.
I’ve been St John curious for a while for exactly these reasons. My hesitations are that I’m 5-4 and like the sleeved jackets to hit slightly above my wrists (vs what is shown on the picture here). I didn’t think you could really alter the fabric. And I’d love something that didn’t scream St John: no logo on the buttons, quieter trim. I swear they used to have it back when funds were more of an issue. Now it’s a struggle to find work pieces at any price.
Look for bracelet sleeves jackets from them. Past season on the Nordstrom Rack site will be genuine.
This is a nice jacket but I swear, I was wearing things like this 20 years ago. There’s nothing new under the sun.
I think what’s new-ish is the overly long sleeves. This sleeve trend has been around for a few years and I’ll be happy when it goes. I have an older St. John tweed and it’s wonderful.
+1. I have a few of my mom’s St. John jackets from the late 90s and 00s, and the sleeves are shorter than this. One of them has some pretty crazy trim (I’ve never worn it because the trim feels overwhelming to me), but the others are much simpler and very nice.
This jacket is lovely, but I feel like on me it would look like Sonja Henie cosplay.
What do you like to do with an abundance of mint? My usual go-to is mint pesto (freezing extra) or mint tea, but my mint is surpassing my pesto and tea needs at the moment.
A restaurant near me makes a truly amazing icy mint lemonade – it seems to involve lots of fresh mint, ice, lemon, and a blender.
You can make mint syrup for mojitos and mint juleps.
Mint syrup is lovely over ice cream, or as the flavoring mixed right into homemade ice cream.
This also makes a good iced coffee or blended iced coffee (I didn’t believe it until I tried it).
I use a lot of mint in chopped salads – like cucumber/tomato/onion or cucumber/feta/watermelon. It really tastes like summer. Also, while it is time consuming and requires an ice cream maker, making your own mint ice cream is amazing and way better than the stuff you buy at the store. David Leibovitz’s recipe is my go-to.
Charlie Bird’s farro salad also has mint together with arugula.
Those are mine too, but if you have other herbs, I also make mint-cilantro chutney, add it to tabbouleh (in small amounts relative to parsley) or make mojitos. Mint grows so prolifically I’ve given up on ever using it all.
Guatemalan chirmol salsa! Roast some roma tomatoes (if you’re grilling out, throw them on the grill), then chop them up and mix with chopped mint and finely diced red onion. Delicious on grilled meats and fish!
I regularly make a yogurt dip/sauce with minced garlic, greek yogurt, lemon zest and juice, fresh mint, and salt. Great with raw veggies, grilled meat or veggies, and works to tie together a grain bowl.
you can also dry it out – lowest temperature in your oven/toaster oven and then grind it up.
My son likes to infuse butter with mint and then use that butter in a chocolate chip cookie recipe. It’s amazing!
Has he tried it with brownies?
If it’s because I’m growing it, I add stalks to my flower arrangements or make bouquets of it. Smells nice adding fresh herbs.
With watermelon or peaches and feta
In salsa
Salad garnish
Watermelon mint salad with feta (and sometimes lime) is a refreshing option, seconding!
Tabbouleh
These sound great! Thank you for all the ideas!
Assuming you have already dried and frozen bunches…
moussaka
yougurt dressing / tzatziki style
lentil mango feta mint salad
jelly
grapefruit and mint cocktails
Love this jacket!
Has anyone used red light therapy at home with success? Or Lux Cove or the other at home anti-sag devices clogging my SM feed. I’ve done two sessions of Skin Pin at the derm but I looked a bit perforated for about a week in spots after one and am wondering what else is out there.
I use the Current Body LED mask and like it a lot. It’s not equivalent to an in office treatment, but over time it does give bounce/elasticity back to your skin. It’s been helping counteract the mid-40s droop for me, especially in conjunction with in office treatments.
I am having success with a combination of the NuFace microcurrent device and the Dr. Dennis Gross red light mask.
DH got me a red light device for Christmas a few years ago, and first used it for shoulder/back issues, forgot about it, and just started using it again for knee pain. It’s decent, I wouldn’t say it’s amazing but using it nightly I’ve started to see some benefits after a week or so.
I have the Shark CryoGlow hockey goalie horror movie LED/infrared mask and have been using it despite my husband’s teasing. I’ve noticed that my skin is much clearer and glow-y when I use it consistently on the better aging routine (I don’t use the blue light/red light skin clearing routine because I have a bit of hyperpigmentation and blue light is a bigger risk). I do like the under eye cooling pads even though it means I’m not getting light therapy in those areas. I also get laser treatments from my medi spa dermatologist and she remarked that my skin was looking great. That being said, for my age (60+) I don’t have a ton of fine lines and wrinkles, skin clarity is a bigger goal for me and I have rosacea and sensitive skin so can’t use retinoids.
I’ve accepted that from an aesthetic standpoint, adding lamps on tables would be better in rooms where there is just the built-in overhead lighting. But I don’t have any convenient plugs in the floor. In some rooms, cords would have to run under couches or from a table over to an outlet (or from a floor lamp to an outlet). Is my Roomba going to just take everything out into a giant table surrounded by felled lamps on day 1? Or will this all work out OK? Have giant long-haired dog and the Roomba is a such a blessing (until I have to disembowl it and untagle it).
I use a lot of rechargeable lamps for this – they make really nice ones now with warm light and it solves for this problem. I also do floor lamps located closer to outlets.
I use velcro cable ties to corral the cables and lift them slightly off the floor. Caveat that I’m doing this under a table over about 2 feet, so your mileage may vary.
If the lamp needs to be far away from the wall, you can run the cord under a rug.
I don’t love them because you have to re-charge pretty often but you can get cute cordless table lamps with rechargeable bulbs. The trick I think is to buy a bunch of backup bulbs so you always have a charged one ready to go.
we have a lot of table lights and have put everything we can near an outlet. Depending on your table situation you can buy tables that have plugs built into them (you basically plug the entire table into the wall and then use it like a power strip). I will say if you’re looking into table lights, I love the smart lights for this — Cync or Hue — and you can put the entire room on a schedule to turn on and off or to do it with a remote or word command. Lifechanging.
I’m single, no kids, live alone, late 30s. I would like to start meal planning/prepping, either or both. Caveat is I hate monotony of eating the same meal 4-5 days in a row. It’s hard to buy, cook, and store for one. I always fail – usually glumly chew on day 2 and get carry out day 3, then waste food. That’s bad for my diet and budget. I’m not in the habit of cooking at home but I’d like to improve there, too. Any practical tips, blogs, recipe plans, starting advice appreciated!
When I lived alone I would cook a meal and freeze individual portions. Is that an option for you?
I like to prep one or two components and use them in different ways. For example, I’ll make crockpot pulled BBQ chicken and serve it in sandwiches the first day, in quesadillas the second day, and on top of a salad the last day. I find that repeating side dishes, such as green bean salad, coleslaw, or broccoli salad, is less boring than repeating main dishes. I never prep fridge ingredients more than three days ahead because otherwise the food gets unappetizing.
Another strategy is to freeze single portions. If I make a casserole, lasagna, stew, or chili, I’ll eat it for two days and freeze the remainder in individual portions to defrost later. I par-bake individual-sized pizzas and freeze them, then bake directly from the freezer. I also freeze individual servings of rice and recipe-sized portions of chopped peppers, caramelized onions, shredded or crumbled cheese, etc., to prevent waste and/or to streamline future cooking.
I do some minimal meal planning but do not prep. I refuse to consistently give up my weekends to prepare food and prefer more variety (and I think a lot of people push it wayyyyyy too far with food safety when they prep meat on a Sunday and eat it the following Friday). I recommend the blog Budget Bytes and stocking your pantry with essentials so you can always whip up a quick meal with zero planning or prep. It’s much easier to avoid takeout if you have a variety of options available, including things like frozen vegetables. Tortillas freeze well too, so I often make vegetarian burritos as a quick no-plan, no-prep meal.
I keep my fridge cold and have bo problem eating food made Sunday through the following weekend. I’m mid-40’s and this has NEVER been a problem.
Yeah, people often do this – eat old cooked meat for about twice as long as the FDA and USDA recommend. Vom.
I mean, good for you for being so precious.
I used to make a couple of soups I really liked and I’d freeze part and eat part over the week. But also, I’d just go out with friends a lot so I didn’t have to worry about cooking, and scrambled eggs for dinner is still my favorite meal.
I really like freezing food in individual portions. Bean chili, lentil stew, lasagna etc all freeze really well and are easy to reheat with nice bread and call it day.
I also like food you can eat in multiple ways so chili for example you can have a bowl, make a chili dog, taco salad with cabage and tortilla chips, chili cheeze fries with frozen fries etc.
I also live alone. I don’t mind eating leftovers, but do NOT want to eat a whole week of the same meal, so I’m never going to be the person who meal preps on the weekend and then eats the same thing 4-5 nights in a row! Since you’re not in the habit of cooking at home, I’d start by choosing two meals to make a week. Just two. One of them should be something where the leftovers will freeze well in individual portions (soup, casserole, pasta, etc.). Just live with that for a while, while you learn how to actually do the cooking week after week, how many meal portions you do /don’t want in the freezer, how to keep the food you’re buying down to the right amount so you’ll eat it up before it goes bad, etc.
In short . . . start small, commit yourself to learning what works for your lifestyle, preferences, habits, and personality . . . and then make changes as you go.
Honestly, I just skip dinner and meal prep for 3 days of lunch and get chipotle the other two days. It evens out on food costs and minimizes evening time in the kitchen.
Don’t try to batch cook to eat the same things 5x a week! Just, whenever you’re cooking, make extra and freeze individual portions of it (or whichever portion is freezer-friendly) and defrost as desired!
I just got The Complete Cooking for Two Cookbook and it really is nice to have smaller scale recipes. You might give it a try!
Agree with the suggestion to start freezing, but also think about a schedule that works for you. Maybe cook day 1, assembled meal (like bagged salad and tuna fish) on day 2, take out day 3, leftovers day 4…
Also, souper cubes (or one of the many imitations) are great for freezing individual portions.
I found that prepping individual components of meals works far better than all-out meal prepping.
Roasted sweet potatoes keep well and go with a variety of meals (salads, tofu, tempeh, eggs). Muffins freeze well; I make superhero muffins and freeze extras. Muesli freezes well. Tempeh can be steamed a few days ahead of time.
I hate eating a meal that’s entirely leftovers. Instead I prepare extra components on Night 1 so it’s easier to throw together a meal on Night 2. For example on Night 1 I’ll wash and dice double the vegetables then on Night 2 I can toss them directly from my fridge into the pan. Or Night 1 I’ll cook an extra piece of chicken then Night 2 I add it to salad or pasta. It doesn’t eliminate cooking on Night 2 but it means less prep work and cleanup.
It sounds like planning would be better for you than prepping. I cook for 2, which I will acknowledge is easier than cooking for 1, and I have a few guidelines:
1. Plan around vegetables – I have a wonderful farmer’s market near me on Saturdays, so I’ll grab what looks best and then make the plan around that. It’s easier to fill in the proteins and starches once the veggies are set.
2. Plan to make either enough for one dinner, or enough for one dinner and one lunch. Or something that can be transformed into something else when it’s leftover. But don’t plan to stare down the same roasted vegetables or shredded chicken for 3 or 4 days in a row. Good for some, but not for you (or me).
3. Learn some easy recipes that you love. Unless you love the process of cooking, you aren’t going to want to spend an hour cooking every day for a 10-minute dinner. So build up a repertory of things that are quick and easy.
I’m in the same boat and I will not eat the same thing for more than 2 days. I do a lot of girl dinners (cheese and crackers, whatever) and freeze big batches in individual portions.
Oh, and I mentally justify getting takeout by getting enough for two meals.
I meal prep like crazy and have never eaten the same meal 4 days in a row. I don’t even comprehend that. Meal prepping should expand variety not contract it.
I might be late to comment, but one riff on freezing individual servings is to freeze individual portions of proteins. I cook a bunch of chicken breasts from time to time, cut into serving sizes, freeze separately on a plate, and throw them into a ziplock. Great for salads, pastas, bowls, quesadillas, etc.
I don’t meal prep for this reason. Some things I do that others have pointed out: I divide all of the meat I purchase into individual portions so that when I want 2 chicken thighs or whatever, I don’t have to deal with 4-6 portions. I buy frozen veggies so I can also use what I need when I need them. I keep canned beans that I can add as a protein source to a meal very easily.
Then I just stick to a pretty basic formula: protein, veggie, maybe a grain, and seasoning for the cuisine I want. I do a lot of this in my convection oven on a sheet pan. And then make 2 servings of couscous, rice, quinoa, etc. on the stove. That is much easier for me even though I love to cook and would make more elaborate meals if it was more than me.
echoing others that I would lean into meal planning over prep – and think about what your goals or blocks are. Is it the effort of cooking from scratch when takeout feels easier, eating healthier, spending less?
I like to prep parts – like shredded chicken I’ll eat different ways during the week or chop and prep another vegetable for the next night when I’m in the mood to cook earlier in the week.
A light rotation or structure can be helpful in figuring out what works – like a entree salad on monday when produce is freshest, some kind of tacos on tuesday, sandwich wednesday, girl dinner snacking thursday and takeout on fridays.
I line up the lighter effort nights with days I’m WFH. I also learned over time that I’d rather quickly pop in the grocery store another time during the week than overbuying produce on the weekend and not getting through it before it goes bad.
Souper Cubes are the answer to this! Freeze your portions so you can rotate through them over a longer timespan.
+1 to Souper Cubes, I really love the 2 cup ones particularly.
The only solution I’ve found that works for me is Blue Apron or similar meal-delivery service. Each meal makes 2 portions so I only have to eat the same thing twice in a week.
look up Stealth Health, a lot of his recipes are great for the freezer. High protein, about 550 calories per recipe. I add veggies or legumes where I can.
I’m you. What works for me:
-Prep for M-F, not weekend
-2 lunch recipes, 2 dinner recipes, alternate em so it’s not the same two days in a row
-Take the time to find/follow a recipe I like rather than rotating the same stock meals
What are the best sources for in-house attorney interview prep? I’m currently in-house but looking for a new role. I haven’t interviewed in a while, and I’d love some videos or sources on how to prep for interviews.
Ladies, I need your help. We are 13 days away from starting a $500k house renovation. (I mention the price only so you understand the scale of the project.) My interior designer (male/he/him) and I are at odds and I need to know if I’m out of line.
Two and a half years ago when we started planning this project, my interior designer recommended a cabinetmaker he had known for ~40 years. He invited him up to the house and we met with him one afternoon. We weren’t ready to choose a cabinetmaker, but we felt awkward and like we needed to since my designer had had him come 3 hours to our house. We figured if Designer had recommended him, he’d be fantastic because Designer has fantastic taste.
We signed a contract with Cabinetmaker, paid the first installment per the contract, and Cabinetmaker said he’d deliver cabinets in two months. Our house wasn’t ready for cabinets at that point – which Cabinetmaker and Designer knew going into our contract – so ostensibly, Cabinetmaker took his time/kept them in storage. Months later, Cabinetmaker emailed to say that some portion of the cabinets were water damaged in storage (no photographic proof or details) and that he had emailed with Designer and Designer agreed that we should give Cabinetmaker an advance on the installments to give him the cash to rebuild the damaged cabinets. We weren’t happy about it, but because Designer had said so and we trusted him that it was fair, we did so.
As I mentioned, we’re now 13 days away from starting. There are no cabinets. Cabinetmaker has had literal years. Every time we talk to Cabinetmaker, there’s some ordeal about why they’re not ready yet – his wife’s been committed to an institution, he’s diabetic and needs toes amputated and life’s hard without toes, he’s renting a workshop and only gets X hours per week, he’s having to pay all this out of pocket and it’s tough, etc, etc, etc. The man is a bottomless fount of excuses. He never calls or emails when he says he will, his phone number changes frequently, and he’s just impossible to get a straight answer out of, when you can get ahold of him. It’s been two and a half years and Cabinetmaker has $30,000 of our dollars and there’s nothing to show for it.
Since Cabinetmaker and Designer have been friends for 40 years, I told Designer in no uncertain terms that HE needed to manage Cabinetmaker and stay on top of him: make sure Cabinetmaker has rented the workshop, make sure Cabinetmaker has bought materials. Check in with him weekly and hold his hand through finishing our $40k cabinets. Basically, babysit the man since he’s shown he’s unreliable and untrustworthy.
In our minds, we’re in this position solely because of Designer. But for Designer, we would have never known that Cabinetmaker ever existed. For us, this is entirely Designer’s problem to fix. This is his POS friend of 40 years, so he can work with him to get this across the finish line. Over email yesterday, Designer stated that he merely “introduced” us to Cabinetmaker and that an introduction creates no obligation in him to have anything to do with any business relationship that might develop, he’s not a party to the contract, etc.
We are so infuriated by Cabinetmaker – and now Designer’s wriggling out of any remote effort to fix a situation with his friend – that I want to fire Designer. Firing Designer would mean ending our 20 year personal relationship (he’s a family friend) and our 2.5 year working relationship. Designer is simply by the hour, so there’s no contract to worry about. The design work in the house is 80% done, so I’d be finishing the last 20% on my own, something I feel comfortable with, but of course it’d be great to have my friend and designer there to help and get to celebrate the end of this huge project together. But we are so incensed with POS Cabinetmaker and now Designer that firing Designer seems like an appropriate response. WDYT? Would you blame Designer for Cabinetmaker? Would you expect Designer to try to wrangle his friend of 40 years?
I’m sorry that you are going through this. It sounds very stressful.
I feel that if this were a social relationship, I’d notice that people with years invested in a relationship with you are not terribly concerned with keeping your trust or your happiness. Listen to that.
Assuming the best, with facts not in evidence, perhaps the cabinetmaker is overwhelmed and not aware enough to admit defeat, that he is uninsured for the loss, and that will never deliver. Accept that and go forward without him.
And for designer, he introduced you to someone unreliable and who took your money and did not deliver. He is indiferent and defensive when this is pointed out. Listen to that. Go forward without him.
You don’t need to napalm everyone in this scenario. I get why you’d want to. But ultimately, peace in your house the way you like it with people who add to that vibe is what you want, no?
I posted below, but this is my vibe too. Suing, firing, etc are all just a lot of bad energy and hassles I don’t need for not enough money. Let the 30k go, hire someone else to do the cabinets, maybe quiet fire this designer by bringing someone new in but no need to torch this relationship either. You know what you know now, you wouldn’t recommend him to friends, but sounds like the design is fine.
Agreed.
Also, do you have a GC? If not, I would strongly consider hiring one before you kick off this project. A $500k renovation is a huge undertaking.
Oh my. I’m so sorry. Your designer is a coward and needs to sort this out.
Btw, we believe based on facts not presented here that POS Cabinetmaker can eventually deliver the cabinets, which is why this story isn’t focused on Cabinetmaker absconding with our money.
Can, but when? Dragging them out of him seems to be a PITA. BUT if the idea is to have Designer hound them out of him, then I think you need to have a plan to get both of them to move on this.
You can sue them in small claims court, for which they will get a summons and you can subpoena Designer as a witness. That will no doubt annoy him. Perhaps he’d choose to hound Cabinetmaker to deliver the goods?
“I’d hate to wind up going to small claims court over this, but it appears to be inevitable. I understand that I’d likely need to subpoena you to appear as a witness, as may Cabinetmaker, and that this will involve a lot of time waiting at court for this to be heard. If that’s the route I’m left with if the cabinets are not delivered in satisfactory condition by Date A, then so be it. I’d much prefer to get the cabinets I paid for by the Cabinetmaker you introduced me to. I have valued our relationship for decades and have relied on your opinion and I hate that it has led to the current disaster. I would love for this story to end with the completion of the promised work but understand that it may wind up on another path.”
Small claims court has very low limits, usually about $7,000 to $10,000. Some states are higher ($25k).
a) No, getting a recommendation for someone, whom you then choose to hire, does not make the recommender responsible for the person’s work going forward.
b) if you are doing a $500k renovation, why, for the love of whatever precious object of your choice, do you not have a general contractor??
+1
Going back to thread the other day, this is why I fall in the camp of people who would rather save my money than spend it on my house for anything other than reasonable maintenance. This sounds like an awful way to spend my time and money and I’d cancel the whole project if I could! If my house isn’t meeting my needs, then I’ll find one that does and move (though I’m not actually that picky so that’s unlikely to happen until we need a place without stairs).
And in case it’s not clear, I’d definitely fire the designer, it seems like he scammed you into supporting his actual friend.
100% And as someone said above, designer does not seem so worried about losing YOUR friendship.
ugh. In the “wayback machine” I would have said to Cabinetmaker “thanks your work looks great, I will ask our GC (do you have a separate one or is Designer also your GC?) to include you in the quotes he gets for our cabinetry” vs. going alone on the side with him.
But given you can’t change the past, (1) I can see why Designer doesn’t want to take on actual responsibility for this guy, professionally, but (2) why, given the hourly fee, Designer wouldn’t take on the assist role of nagging Cabinetmaker, is confusing to me. Assist being the important part.
I’d fire Designer, and tell Cabinet maker you are taking him to small claims court (or involving a lawyer) unless he can produce cabinets ASAP.
This. And I’m confused why OP refers to the Designer as their friend. This person is not your friend.
I would definitely fire designer at this point. You haven’t even started, really, and you’re at odds.
Why did you order cabinets 2.5 years before the project would start? Why would you spend so much without additional quotes, especially since you “felt awkward”? Why would you use a cabinetmaker who lives 3 hours away? I personally think your cabinetmaker and designer are scamming you in some way, but I can’t figure out exactly how. Why are you so sure the cabinetmaker can deliver? I wouldn’t be. Small claims court to get your $30k back, and end your relationship with your designer. The whole thing is weird, and next time follow the rule not to do business with friends. You want to celebrate your new house with them? That’s not a business relationship, and the designer is clearly taking advantage of you somehow.
What? Designer’s often like to celebrate the completion of a project with their clients. Lawyers have big dinners with clients at which they get rewarded with “deal gifts”, some of which look like trophies, when a transaction closes. Publishers and editors celebrate with authors when the book comes out. That doesn’t make the relationships unprofessional.
I totally understand that, but why would OP do that with someone who is clearly dragging their feet about helping (at best) or scamming OP in cahoots with the cabinetmaker (at worst)? The relationship is over.
I don’t think there’s enough information to blame the designer for this. Framed from their perspective, it could easily be: “I’m a great designer. I am not, and have no interest in being, a project manager/general contractor. I introduced a client to a cabinet maker who does work in the style my customer likes; that customer hired the cabinet maker directly and is just now realizing she needs a GC to run interference with the cabinet maker, and she wants to hire me to do the GC role”. The designer is perfectly free to not want to take on that work, even if you are willing to pay him hourly to do it. You are perfectly free to decide you want to hire one person to do both design and GC work, and maybe that’s not the designer you’ve worked with up until now, so it makes sense to part ways – but it’s not inherently unreasonable, or a sign of a scam, for a designer to not want to take on non design work, especially since it sounds like you all never scoped out the project in the first place.
I know it’s the pessimist, negative nancy in me, but I feel the same.
The whole thing is bizarre. Who makes cabinets that early? and then magically they get effed up, and now he’s a ball of excuses? That’s wild behavior.
I would 100% file in small claims court, mostly to put the fear of God in this man to get your cabinets that you paid for. Even if he doesn’t deliver, it’ll show him you mean business and you’re not to be effed with (with or without Designer)
Do you have a general contractor? Seems like this should be the province of a GC to sort out. Technically, designer is correct that he is not legally obligated to manage cabinetmaker or make you whole for cabinetmaker’s failures, but unwillingness to make any effort to assist isn’t a good look. But again, there’s no reason you’d expect the designer to be dealing with this issue (instead of a GC) except that he recommended him, which matters but a recommendation doesn’t mean that you can fully control someone or guarantee their performance. Without knowing more info it’s hard to assess what is reasonable to ask of designer or blame him for.
This. You need a GC.
+1.
No kidding. This is the exact reason you have a GC.
With the preface that I’m sorry, what a hassle, I would just cut ties with the cabinet maker and consider the 30k a sunk cost. I’d find a new cabinet maker and keep the designer relationship. Mostly because of the history you have. Something is always going to cost more than it should in a renovation and for you, it’s cabinets.
I would cut my losses and scrap both of them. A home reno is stressful enough with people that you are on good terms with. This would be a disaster.
While I am on the designer’s side as to who the parties to this dispute are — you and cabinetmaker — I would be inclined to ask designer to join you on calls with cabinetmaker so he can be part of coaxing the work out. And I would be documenting your agreement with cabinetmaker to the extent it isn’t or those documents need to be updated and refreshed given current status. Unless designer is also GC, or signed up to be project manager, I would not be holding this dispute–between you and cabinetmaker–over designer’s head, especially if he is otherwise performing and moreso given he is a friend. I might use it as a lesson about trusting his recommendations in the future, of course. He’s right. He just made an introduction and it was your choice to proceed. But then I do not come from a place where we spend $500k on home renovations and wield the kind of power over people you seem accustomed to.
I would 100% fire both the designer and cabinet maker.
It is insane that they asked you to pay for the water damage – sounds like he is uninsured.
If you are just STARTING the reno, this is all going to get way harder if you keep trying to work with these people. What kind of design stuff is still left after two years? That’s crazy.
I don’t think they asked her to pay for the water damage, but rather to accelerate payment so he could finish given the early loss.
But why would he have a loss? Wouldn’t insurance cover that?
I didn’t read all of this but you should ditch them both. I wish we had listened to our gut when we suspected our realtor’s long-time house inspector contact wasn’t as detail-oriented as we were looking for. You don’t owe these people anything – these are business relationships and the performance isn’t there.
I learned this the hard way: when the realtor provides a home inspector the home inspector’s incentive is to make the realtor happy by making sure the deal goes thorugh.
I would keep Designer and get a new cabinet maker.
That’s the best solution for the scale of the project. If you cannot afford to lose $30k, talk to an attorney.
We had something happen that was similar but on a much smaller scale, and I’ll bet this is what’s happening to you… my guess is that your cabinet maker has a team that he has used for 40+ years that are all his age. One or more of his team is laid up, out of commission, or dead — for us it was the master carpenter who couldn’t work. Our contractor, who for years was a solid, reliable guy (we’d used him for a larger project without incident), wound up using new or unknown tradesmen to him — and they sucked. We wound up fighting him over it and he did the vanishing thing on us also — changed his number, address, operating name, etc. For us it was only $5k so it wasn’t the end of the world, just a lesson learned, but your experience sounds eerily familiar. Don’t give cabinet maker any more money. Try to get the $30k back. If your designer doesn’t see that this is wackadoodle (and hopefully different from the cabinet maker’s longstanding modus operandi) then the designer needs to go also.
What are the terms of your contract with the cabinetmaker around delivery date and any failure to make the delivery? Did you amend the contract when you advanced payments without reaching the milestones?
If you contracted directly with the cabinet maker I wouldn’t assume the decorator is in the hook. 30k and nothing? I’m a “let it go” type of person usually but I’d absolutely file a lawsuit if someone took 30k and never provided the agreed upon goods and services. It’s your only recourse. You cannot needle this man into making cabinets and neither can your designer. I don’t think firing the designer is the answer here, but if he thinks you should just eat 30k because the cabinet maker has had hardships let him be mad and quit. Thats crazy. You also can’t continue this relationship if he has no plan for your cabinets at this point. What is his idea?
I did a large scale renovation, closer to 300k, a few years ago where my cousin was our GC. He’s honest and talented but there were some hard conversations and it’s not something I’d do again. Lessons learned. We all hire family and friend sometimes and hate it. Fingers crossed you get through this renovation process soon and live your new home. It’s stressful, I know. To each her own but huge eyeroll to anyone saying no one should ever renovate. We don’t all live, or want to live, in brand new neighborhoods.
I live and want to live in an old neighborhood, but renovating would just get me something new!
My take on this, as a career prosecutor: The cabinets weren’t damaged, they never existed. Cabinet maker spent your money ages ago. He doesn’t have to money to fund the materials now.
Also, your designer friend is in the category of “with friends like this who needs enemies”. If it were me and I were in a position to burn 30k, I’d walk away from both of them.
+100 — the guy spent your money and doesn’t have the money to finish the project.
The only difference is I think I’d have to go to small claims court and wouldnt walk away from $30K because that’s a lot of money to me.
It’s only partly about whether 30k is a lot of money or not, and partly about whether suing is actually going to get you that money. If he doesn’t have it, he doesn’t have it – there’s a reason “judgment proof” is a thing.
I think no blood from a stone is the expression I always heard.
Yep. He is likely judgment proof, and even if he has some income stream or assets you’re going to pay a percentage of recovered $$$ to your lawyer.
I would sue in small claims court to get the money back. I would not try to get the cabinetmaker to make the cabinets because if he actually does it they will be shoddily constructed just to get it “done.”
And hire a GC.
OP, it sounds like *you* made some bad decisions about the cabinets – hiring the cabinetmaker without considering more than one bid, maybe not requiring regular updates on the status of the work, and then giving him more money w/o confirming his story. Of course, that can happen to anyone – maybe you haven’t managed this type of project before, and hindsight is 20/20.
And now, I think your expectations of the designer may be unreasonable. If he’s not acting as your general contractor, he hasn’t assumed responsibility for managing the cabinetmaker, and he may not be in a position to do that. The fact that they are long-time friends could actually make him less rather than more willing or able to involve himself. Personally, I would not summarily fire a friend who’s done a good job over something like this.
Fire designer and sue cabinet maker
OP, you are never getting that $30K back. Even if you were to sue (and you’d likely have to go to regular civil court, not small claims court, for anything close to that amount), a lawsuit only gets you a judgment, which you then have to collect on. It doesn’t sound like this cabinetmaker has two nickels to rub together, so there’s just not going to be any money there. I’d suggest starting over with the cabinets. I don’t know why you think your cabinetmaker might come through now but, and I really mean this kindly, your judgment has been off throughout this project.
You’re never going to get cabinets out of either of them. Or your 30k, which I suspect has been spent on non cabinet expenditures.
I’m sorry. Is it possible to move forward without this designer? That might be the best thing for your sanity.
“Cabinetmaker emailed to say that some portion of the cabinets were water damaged in storage (no photographic proof or details) and that he had emailed with Designer and Designer agreed that we should give Cabinetmaker an advance on the installments to give him the cash to rebuild the damaged cabinets. We weren’t happy about it, but because Designer had said so and we trusted him that it was fair, we did so.”
Fire them both- they’re scamming you here.
I’m not a “beach person,” but am about to embark on a multigenerational, weeklong beach trip with family. We are flying in and staying in a beachfront condo. Give me all the best tips for having a good beach day when you can’t load your car up with coolers, chairs, umbrellas, and blankets!
The joy of the beachfront condo is that you don’t need to load up or spend the whole day at the beach. Personally I like to get out in the morning for an early swim or just walk down the beach, then go back home and either do something else or chill at the condo and make lunch there. And then I usually would head back to the beach by mid-afternoon and stay for the sunset. You can buy a light umbrella if you are sun-sensitive (or your rental might have one, it’s pretty common).
Yup, this!
100%, it’s what makes the beachfront worth the higher price.
100%
Rent chairs and have a service put them and an umbrella up for you every day. Life changing. Then only go out before noon and after 6. The beach is so much better then.
Oh my goodness, I didn’t know this existed. Done and done.
This is the way. The only way.
Firstly, most beach houses I’ve rented have an ample supply of beach chairs, wagons, coolers, etc, so I would evaluate once you get there. Similarly, every CVS, Publix, Goodwill, etc. has an ample supply of whatever you need.
Best tip is to give yourself permission to go to the beach as needed. For us, going after lunch/nap is often great, mores when it’s not a whole quest just to get there.
huh? Your condo is beachfront so everyone pitches in with carrying the beach setup to the sand… the same way you’d carry stuff from the parking lot if you drove.
Or does your building provide setups on the beach?
You just don’t bring all that stuff. You don’t need a cooler- you can just go back to the house for lunch. You don’t need a blanket if you have a chair.
Unless people are very young or infirm, everyone can simply carry their own chair, towel, and bag with sunscreen, book, and water bottle. If there’s kids, one person can carry a bag with a few toys.
I grew up on the beach and we could always tell who the tourists were by all the unnecessary stuff they brought!
+1. I grew up with a beach house and we always went home for lunch. That was also usually when the people who were over the beach would shower, and read/nap/chill out while the hardcore sun worshippers/surfers would go back.
I’d also set expectations early about together time vs. alone time – my family was totally ok with people leaving the beach early but we generally all arrived/set up a spot together. Similarly with a big group we’d usually do 2-3 nights together at dinner but it was normal for a couple or a family unit to go out to eat solo once or twice. If your family wants to eat every single meal together I’d want to know that on night 1 to mentally prep.
Exactly!
I think you’re inventing problems.
I’m also not super beachy but I love the ocean. Does the condo have an outdoor area? I’d go to the beach with everyone a couple of times but otherwise stash myself on the balcony/patio/terrace and read. If it’s truly beachfront you’ll probably be in eyesight and everyone will be in and out all day so you won’t seem antisocial.
I hate day trips to the beach but love a beachfront hotel. You don’t need to spend the whole day on the beach. Go out for a walk in the early morning, play in the ocean midmorning, stay indoors or on a shady patio to read during the heat of the day, and then have another walk after dinner. For variety, take a surf lesson or a guided kayak tour.
Beach in the morning and evening. Come in for the highest UV index hours of the day so you don’t get scorched and spent the rest of the trip a lobster
I’ve recently started jogging and bought a pair of proper running shorts. Unfortunately, the shorts bunch up while I was running, and I have to tug on the leg repeatedly. Is this avoidable before my thighs stop rubbing together?
There’s a creator online who goes by the name of mrsspacecadet who did an entire series on running shorts that don’t ride up. For me, I much prefer to run anything over a 5k in tighter bike shorts. For shorter runs – Oiselle Roga.
Oiselle Long Roga here. They aren’t all that long, but I like as close to 6″ as I can get (and own my share of bike shorts also, but I feel like a sausage casing at times).
+1. This is the only one I’ve ever tried that doesn’t ride up.
This is avoidable but only by finding the right shorts that really truly work for you. You can definitely find lists of reviews based on “do they or don’t they ride up” but imo a lot of this is just personal fit – like looking for comfy shoes; some shoes are uncomfortable for everyone, but truly comfy ones need to actually fit *your* feet well
That said, longer shorts = more room to ride up a little before you notice chafing
Yes. Sounds like you need different shorts. I don’t know enough if it’s style or size, but probably involves trying on different shorts (sorry, I hate having to try a bunch of something to find one that works for me).
I haven’t been able to find running shorts that don’t bunch up or cause friction, so I only wear bike or yoga style shorts now. Think the tight, slightly longer style. Old Navy, Athleta, and Target all have them.
You probably need a longer inseam.
Look for a longer inseam and thicker fabric (the ultra-light fabrics will always ride up). Then let me know if you find anything good because I’m still hunting myself.
I can’t run in shorts of any kind, loose or tight. Either the loose legs bunch or the tight hems roll. High waisted leggings all the way for me. I have some just-below-knee length ones for very hot weather, otherwise I prefer full length ones.
Try a variety of running shorts: biker style shorts, looser running shorts, short inseam, longer inseam.
Counterintuitively, skin on skin can chafe a lot less than shorts can chafe on skin. One option is to have shorter inseam biker shorts and Vaseline.
I recall that back in the day, Jessica Simpson shoes were astonishingly good for the price; she sold the company and bought it back, right? Does anyone know if the quality is still there?
Oh, man. She had these amazing round-toe patent leather pumps and I had them in every color. I called them my Barbie shoes.
It’s been over a decade since I’ve interviewed in person, but I have one soon! Big Fortune 100 company, role is in benefits. It’s going to be only an hour or so. I interviewed with this specific group of people a few years ago for a lower role. It was a remote interview, and I received an offer but declined to take it.
My plan is to wear a gray suit, black shell, black shoes. I’ll carry a small black bag and bring a notebook and pen. Do I bring printed copies of my resume or cover letter – assume no?
Will gladly take any and all good vibes, too!
Bring a few copies of your resume, no need to bring cover letter as well.
make sure you have confidence in amount of time it takes to get there and pack breath mints!
Good luck!
I’d still take printed copies of your materials. I always appreciate when people do the normal necessities like that. Also, maybe add a little color to your look or something less all funeral formal.
What vegetables do you like to serve with a meal that is kind of hearty and stand-alone, such as chili? I’m never quite sure how to approach vegetables for dishes like that – a green salad is always an option but it doesn’t seem like it really “goes” with the dish. I also find myself not really wanting to get back in the kitchen and get hands-on with a vegetable side after making something several hours earlier for the slow cooker; I’m somewhat of a lazy and reluctant cook and I like to be “done” with the prep aspect, especially if the whole point of the slow cooker was to enable me to get out of the house and have some fun on the weekend. Any ideas for me on getting more vegetables in for fiber, minerals, etc.? The only other idea I have is including chopped bell peppers and jalapenos in the chili, although that doesn’t sound that enticing for something like pulled pork.
With chili, we like a Mexican street corn-inspired side dish.
tbh usually just a handful of baby carrots.
+1. Carrots and celery.
I wouldn’t. But I also use canned diced tomatoes, jalepenos, and onions in my chili. A vegetable for its own sake is trying too hard for no payoff.
Corn on the cob? Easier if you microwave it too.
OP here and ha, I actually hate corn on the cob. I realize that makes me an extreme outlier but I hate it!! It’s so, so messy for so little reward.
There’s plenty of fiber in the beans. No need to do more.
Fiber is very nearly the least nutritious part of vegetables.
Not every dish needs a vegetable. Sometimes chili should just be allowed to stand on its own. Otherwise it’s forced–like thanks for my side of baby carrots?
I wouldn’t want to eat a lot of meat without any vitamin C intake.
I just don’t approach food and eating in this way at all. I try to stay generally well balanced but I’m not considering the need for a specific vitamin in a single meal (or any….?). Is that just me??
What? Why?
I think this person thinks heme iron requires vitamin C for absorption. It doesn’t. That’s only non-heme iron.
Vitamin C is supposed to prevent nitrosamine formation (this is why it’s FDA required in cured meats, but it works the same way in stomach acid).
I wondered before if the nitrates in vegetables actually increase net risk, but the answer I’ve always been given is that the Vitamin C decreases risk and that there’s nitrate in tap water anyway.
Chili usually has tomatoes and peppers.
I think salad goes with chili, esp with a creamy cilantro or or roasted garlic dressing.
Roasted vegetables would be good with chili. Prep them with the chili ingredients and then put them in the oven 20-30 mins before dinner.
I also like to make a braised onion, zucchini, yellow squash, and corn combination. You can make a lot and it freezes very well. You can throw in some cherry tomatoes when heating up.
She’s a reluctant cook. I don’t see this happening.
I usually add the vegetables to my chili (I’m vegetarian so I’ve never done a meat based one), but I think cabbage with a cilantro lime dressing or something along those lines would be fine. Something acidic to cut the richness and not too heavy.
+1 that I make vegetarian chili, so veggies are in the dish: onions, garlic, carrots, bell peppers, maybe some winter squash or celery.
If it’s something like chili/chicken soup/lo mein – I just put as many veggies as I want in the main dish.
TBH, unless it’s like a dinner party or something, if I’m having a no veggies main, sometimes I just eat a couple handfuls of baby carrots or spinach right from the bag etc while I’m cooking, and don’t worry about whether it “goes with” dinner.
But for pulled pork if I were cooking for others, I think some form of cabbage salad/slaw/vinegar dressing on shredded veggies works great!
My family always served dishes like this “over a bed of spinach.” Not everyone ate it that way, but spinach wilted by a rich chili or casserole is pretty good.
In my mind, pulled pork has some standard sides like coleslaw, collards, or okra depending on people’s tastes.
I don’t do a side with chili, other than cornbread or tortilla chips. But I do a lot of add-ons. like chopped red and/or green onions, cilantro, jalapenos, grated cheese, sour cream. Basically a bowl of chili IS a bowl of vegetables.
This is exactly where I stand.
Yep, this is exactly what we do.
What about for something like pulled pork? Same toppings approach?
Why not? I’d think of it like—what would I add if this was a taco—red onion, jalepeno, sour cream, cherry tomatoes if you must.
Agree that chili has vegetables – tomatoes, chilis, onions, maybe beans – and you can add more in the toppings, so no need to have a side vegetable. With pulled pork I usually make a slaw or heartier vegetable salad, like broccoli or jicama & oranges.
Avocados, chopped bell pepper, chopped tomatoes. Boom, vegetable-based toppings.
Agree
I always do a veggie chili, but if it’s just meat, maybe a corn salad?
I do meatless chili. It is tomatoes, beans, peppers, onions, mushrooms, and corn. It gets topped with fresh cilantro, jalapeños, and avocado. Not sure what extra veggie is necessary there.
You put the veggies IN the chili. Sweet potato chili is vastly superior to regular chili.
I prefer to serve a side that contrasts with the main dish in temperature, texture, and/or flavor. For something mushy and hot like chili or pasta, that is usually a salad and/or some sort of bread or toast. If I serve a hot vegetable side it will be something bitter for flavor contrast, like sautéed spinach with garlic as a side for pasta with a tomato sauce.
The point of chili (or stew or similar) is that it doesn’t need a side.
+1
Easiest – throw veggies in with whatever you’re making (eg, add peppers, onion, jalapeño, beans, etc.) to chili.
Second easiest — set out a crudite plate, with carrots, cucumber spears, pepper slices, celery, snap peas, etc. with a dip (hummus, ranch, french onion, whatever you like)
Third easiest — green salad
Garnish like lime wedges or cilantro. Avocado slices on the side.
Crudite and dip
i have posted before, moving into a chief of staff job at my current employer. cocktail party wednesday. stated goal is for the board to gel. board members and spouses, senior staff. i will be coming from work. have asked the three women whether they change or go in work clothes and what they are wearing and all 3 were vague and unforthcoming. suggestions?
Aha! Finally, a chance for that “day to evening” look they kept talking about in fashion magazines!
All those years reading Glamour will finally pay off! ;-)
*mentally transported straight back to 2014*
literally laughed out loud on this one – but exactly! I would wear a dark colored sheath dress and bring both fancy earrings/shawl and a casual topper (jean jacket?). I would go with a pair of comfortable but dressy shoes – for me I have a beige simple block heeled sandal or a wedge heeled espadrille that I would go with.
I’d wear something like a The Fold dress to work that day and go in that.
What’s the deal with trip insurance? I see it recommended but I’ve ONLY ever heard negative things about companies refusing to pay out from family and friends. We have a toddler now and want to plan a trip during flu season next year, but daycare illness is a reality and (judging by last year’s experience) there’s a very real risk of needing to cancel too late to get our money back from the lodging rental and such. Is there a reliable, actually-pays-out company out there that doesn’t make you complete 80 hours of paperwork to see the cash?
not that I’ve found. We self-insure by only flying airlines that give 100% trip credit if you cancel (and that we would reuse, so no flying a European carrier as a one-off), and staying at properties that either offer a refund or similar reusable credit. The cost of the insurance is usually more than whatever portion of the lodging price we would lose, so we don’t bother.
Book fully refundable stays and tickets, or don’t book anything. The insurance is a waste of money.
Where are you finding fully refundable stays? I’m finding that really challenging with some family-friendly condo vacation rentals. I’m fine taking airline credit since that’ll get used again but it’s trickier with hotels when it’s a destination you may not return to.
Unpopular around here but when we search Airbnb or VRBO or whatever, ‘free cancellation’ is a filter for a reason. Yeah, you lose out on some properties that way, but not all!
OP here and I do use that filter but the free cancellation often (maybe not always) is only for one month prior. I won’t know if anyone’s sick until days prior. I do use Airbnb for family travel because so few hotels offer true suite options that work for families.
Hotels usually offer better cancelation policies than Airbnb. But hotels come with downsides too. You could look at extended stay hotels.
Hotels.
You will probably pay a higher rate for a fully cancellable room.
yeah, but the difference in rate for full cancellation is probably less than the cost of the insurance… and it takes only a couple of clicks rather than battling through the policy.
Hotels. Booked either through the Marriott or Hilton website or even through a third party like Expedia. Yes, I’ve canceled through Expedia before and it’s been painless.
At a higher price point, airlines will actually refund you the money and not just give you a credit.
This.
The major hotel chains (Bonvoy, Hilton, etc) all have an option if you book direct for cancellation on ~24-48 hours notice. The price difference is usually not that noticeable from other more restrictive fares, so we always book that.
It’s likely going to be a hassle to get them to pay out. Like others we typically self-insure by booking refundable hotels and regular economy flights that can be canceled for airline credits, on airlines where we could reuse the credit. I’ve used car rental insurance through a Chase credit card when we had a rental car that got scratched abroad and they charged us a crazy amount, and that was actually very smooth. But I still try to avoid needing insurance.
I’ve always bought it for all-inclusive Mexico vacations and have used it twice. Once I had an elder care problem and the other time a cancer diagnosis. I got the kind that offers a full refund minus the cost of the policy.
I try to avoid needing it but have had good luck on my two claims on the travel insurance on my AmEx Platinum. Both paid out relatively easily and without making me jump through a bunch of hoops, although both were relatively straightforward claims with undisputable facts.
I wouldn’t do it for a US based trip-and would accept the fact that I might have to eat some of the lodging cost (even VRBO will not refund 100% of your money unless you cancel at least a week or more out). I have done it for international trips-twice with tour groups that require it, and I think there is some merit to having it in case there is a health emergency or you need to be transported back to the US for a health related issue! During COVID, our travel insurance did pay out when our adult child developed COVID abroad and was not allowed to fly until testing positive. The insurer covered hotel, meals and laundry! I use SquareMouth to vet the different carriers. It’s cheaper if you don’t add “cancel for any reason” coverage, but yes, it can still feel like a waste of $$ if you don’t use it—like all insurance!
You can get cancel for any reason insurance but it’ll be nearly as expensive as the trip.
I don’t think a normal cold would get you a payout from ordinary travel insurance. I think you have to be hospitalized or close to it.
I bought it when I went to Australia from the states. I didn’t need to file a claim, but that was for covering the costs if I was injured and needed to be moved back to the US. It wasn’t a huge expense either. I used Travelex. Read the policy to ensure it covers what you need, because they don’t all cover the same things.
For everything else, I also just book hotels or rentals that allow cancellation within 24-48 hours. And use credit cards that have some kind of protection as well.
I think I’m going to have to say good-bye to my senior dog this week. She’s really struggling, and doesn’t have good days any more. My son is 5 years old, and loves this dog. I will do in-home euth. Should I do it while he’s at camp during the day, or let him be here? We talked about the possibility that she may die soon, and he ended up having a massive tantrum (I think he just couldn’t process the feelings), so I am leaning towards him not being here, but us talking about it and saying good-bye before. He fed her some hot dogs and ice cream last night, with the idea of spoiling her for her last days. She’s a very large dog so I think having to see her being carried out will be quite traumatic. How did you approach this? He was actually present for my last dog’s passing, but he was only 1.5 years old and thought she was going to take a long nap. It was very peaceful and he said “night night doggie”. I just think he’s at a different stage now where he will find it difficult and will remember more.
Absolutely do not make your five year old watch his dog die.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like your son has told you that he isn’t ready to witness this. Talk with him, let him say goodbye, and then schedule it for while he’s at camp.
My parents were normally terrible with anything emotional but they did it right for our family dog, IMO – explained what was happening and that the vet would come, had us say goodbye in the days prior and the morning before going to school, and then had the vet come while we were gone.
Oh, and it goes without saying that I’m so sorry.
This is what we did with our kids two years ago – kids were 7 and 9 and it went well. They got to say goodbye but didn’t have to see their mom a sobbing mess, which I don’t think they would have liked.
Adding to the chorus of doing it while your son is gone. The risks of this being a traumatic thing for him to see are too high, based on what you’ve said about his earlier reactions and his age. 5 is old enough to understand what’s happening and have huge feelings but not old enough to contextualize or process. I do not think he will benefit in any way from being there or be able to make an informed choice about whether he wants to, like an older child (tween?) might. Talk about it, say good bye before. But do not have him there to see it.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
First, sorry about your pup. Highly recommend giving him the choice.
We said goodbye to our 14.5 year old lab when my older kids were 4 and 8 and gave them the choice of whether to be there or not. They both chose to be there and it was actually lovely. Husband and I were sobbing messes and kids were actually very pragmatic and compassionate.
Conversely, my BFF’s kids said absolutely not when it was time for their dog and that was right for them. No one right answer here.
Yup, the limited information we have indicates that you should not have him there, but really it should be up to him.
100% while he’s at school.
Personally, I was not told in advance nor allowed to be present when my childhood dog was put down. Same during college when my mother put our next dog down. Some 40 years later, I am still miffed that my mother did not allow me the courtesy of being able to say goodbye to two of my best friends.
However, based on what you describe here, I think giving your son a dedicated time to say goodbye but not be present during the appointment itself is for the best.
OK, thank you all for confirming what I was thinking. He and I will likely get her a plate of bacon and do a little good-bye ceremony in the morning before he leaves for camp. Much as I know that in-home euth is peaceful and gentle, he doesn’t need to see it, and that way I also don’t have to hold it together for him.
Also, in her honor, I want to recommend adopting a senior dog if you have the space and time for one. This lady, a huge German shepherd, came into our lives 3.5 years ago as I was adjusting to being a single parent. Her age is a mystery but she was old even back then, discarded in the desert in poor condition. With love and good quality food, she blossomed, and enthusiastically took on the role of nanny dog and loyal companion. She loves me and my son fiercely, and wants nothing more than to be near us. She has also stolen many many waffles (her favorite) off my son’s plate, and once ate his entire gingerbread house that she somehow managed to sweep off the dining room table, despite her weak hips. Senior dogs have so much love to give, and it’s been an honor to give her a wonderful and so loved finale to her life.
What a beautiful tribute to your pup. I’m so sorry for your upcoming loss.
Awww. I have an enormous dog that we didn’t get as a senior but we did get off the euthanasia list at the shelter, his only crime being really big and not a doodle so nobody wanted him. As soon as we declare him fully settled in we are going to look for an older dog for him to hang with.
I lost my own senior dog a few weeks ago and wanted to say thank you for adopting a senior dog, recognizing when it’s time for a peaceful, loving goodbye, and for writing about her so beautifully. I’ve adopted a few senior dogs and have loved being able to give them a comfortable retirement. It sounds like your senior lady found such a home with you and your son.
I wonder if sharing things like what you wrote about her here with your son, and asking him to share what he loves about her with you, could help him prepare and say goodbye. He might enjoy drawing her or making a card for her, too.
So sorry for your loss – take care of yourself, too.
My friend just had their cat put down in front of her 5 year old daughter and the kid is seriously messed up about it. Daughter is pretty mature for her age and said she wanted to be there. But it was a lot more traumatic for her than anyone anticipated. She’s been having nightmares and talks about the cat dying a lot – not that the cat has died, which I’d expect, but how its death went. She’s now extrapolating to other animals – checking on their breathing all the time – but thankfully it hasn’t occurred to her that someday people will die. I understand why friend let her be there and I don’t fault her, but in retrospect it seems to have been the wrong call.
I was recently passed over for a promotion in my current office. The candidate they chose is a guy who isn’t particularly well-liked by people who would work with or for him, but he’s well regarded by the higher ups because he’s a suckup.
I’m deeply disappointed that I didn’t get the position, but also at my organization for promoting someone like this. I’ve started looking for other positions, but am in higher ed and there aren’t a lot of opportunities right now at my level or above.
I’m looking to lean way out at work and have a workload that allows me to do so. How do I go from someone who is generally helpful and knowledgeable to referring people to this other guy? I know in many cases he won’t know the answer to questions, but I’m certainly not going to do his job for him and he needs to learn. What sort of things would you do if you have some time to devote to professional development and trainings?
When you ask about how to go from someone who is generally helpful and knowledgeable to referring people to this other guy, are you asking what words you say to people or what you write in an email? Or are you asking about what you do to deal with your internal thoughts and feelings around the whole thing as you’re doing something you don’t want to do, in a job you no longer want to be at?
For people asking you things that are his responsibility, lots of deflecting instead of providing answers. “Guy handles that now that he oversees that team.” “Guy is responsible for that workflow.” “Guy owns this project so it is best to ask him.”
Only if she can afford to be unemployed. If she’s stuck in her job, needs the money, and her responsibilities allow her to lean out (is she underutilized?) she should tread carefully. If she’s not seen as valuable she might get downsized.
This is a weird take.
If these things are his job and she wants to avoid doing his job for him, how do you otherwise suggest she avoid doing his job?
I’m sorry, no. If OP was “someone who is generally helpful and knowledgeable” and is now starts curtly referring queries she previously would have handled to the guy who got promoted over her, people will notice and it will look petulant and unprofessional. You can’t publicly throw a tantrum at work because you got passed over for a promotion.
This is one where tone makes a big difference: “I’m not sure, you’d have to ask Chadwick!” can sound petulant/stonewalling/I won’t help you because I didn’t get promoted *or* it can sound warm, helpful (even though I can’t actually solve your problem, I’m giving you the best info I have, which is who to ask) and engaged. Practice in the mirror/with your bluntest friend until you can pull off the second!
None of those would sound curt, and all would be fine, couched in pleasantries. I was recently in a similar situation and would say something like “Hi XX – great to hear from you! Jerk is now in x role / handling x and can help you with that”. Even better, @ jerk into the email so the inquirer has his contact info, and you get credit for appropriately routing questions and work and making introductions! Crafty!
Think about why you wanted the position, outside of money or prestige. If there were elements you wanted to learn/improve, then that’s where you could focus your professional development time.
And I’m sorry. This is a cr*ppy situation. People here insist that you have to keep doing all the helpful things if you don’t want to get downsized, but you know your office. If it’s possible, try to stop being the world’s best understudy — it’s a path to resentment. Instead, focus on your own professional ambitions, your own skill set, and your own networks. You don’t have to be snippy or throw a tantrum, but you don’t have to keep swallowing the sh*t sandwich, either.
What is a good daily driver work blouse these days? There used to be a shoo-in favorite from Boden (Ravello) for several years, but now what is there? Prefer washable. I have many plain elevated tees, but need something more formal to wear under a blazer / jacket.
I was thinking of replacing a class ring with a lot of sentimental value that I lost, and upgrading the material from the cheap “lustrium” that was all I could afford at the time, and *good gravy* $1500???
Gold is at all time high prices.
FWIW, I can’t imagine a class ring being a style statement past the high school or college years. I’d spend the money on a nice ring that can be a daily foundational piece for you.
People who love their class rings REALLY love them. I’m not one of them, but know they exist.
People who love their class rings REALLY love them. I’m not one of them but know they exist.
This is highly regional.
I regularly wear my college class ring. It’s a simple gold signet ring and I still love it after 30+ years. If I lost it, I would seriously consider replacing it.
I’m looking at new hobbies to add to my life and am considering bike riding. I have not been on a bike since high school/early college days, roughly 30 years ago. Any tips for getting started at this point? I do have a bike that was considered a good mountain bike, good brand, pretty expensive from that time, but I’m sure everything has changed since then so am looking at investing in new one, but don’t want to spend a ton until I know I will like/use it. Any suggestions on what to consider?
You definitely need a new bike. Others will tell you to scout garage sales or eBay but I recommend striking while the iron is hot and getting a good entry-level hardtail mountain bike from a local bike shop. The features have come a long way since you last rode and it will make your experience better to have a bike that works right out the door. Trek and Cannondale both have some decent entry-level options, among others. I also recommend getting a single chain-ring (a “1-by”) so you only have to shift gears on one side and eliminate the risk of cross-chaining, which was a pain point 30 years ago that can be gone now. Have so much fun!
Fun! I would check out your local bike store and maybe see if there are local rides to join. You can do a no-drop ride with your current bike if it’s in decent enough shape just to get out there and experience the fun of a group ride. You might be able to rent a few different types of bikes from a local store and see what you prefer before buying one.
If your old bike fit you well, then take it to the shop for a tune-up and start with that. New bikes are amazing, but a well made, well maintained older bike that fits well will serve you just as well.
1x drivetrain, disc brakes, electronic shifting, etc are what the cool kids have, but there is nothing at all wrong with a steel touring bike with a triple and rim brakes, especially for casual riding or just getting back into cycling. I have a lovely stable of really comfy, useful bikes because the well to do cool kids wanted the new stuff.
The only real use case for getting something new is if your old bike is an early 2000s or older road bike. A 53-39 crank and 23mm tires isn’t a fun time if you’re just getting back into it.
What kind of riding? A lighter weight bike really helps with the fun level – like for riding around a city, just the ability to start quickly after stopping for a light makes a huge difference!
Start with the terrain and what kind of riding you want to do.
I rode a mountain bike as a teenager but with middle aged back pain riding mostly on roads and paved trails today, I prefer a step through bike that lets me put my feet down without getting off the seat.
Get your existing bike back in riding shape with a tune up (so you have a backup, or an extra if someone wants to ride with you) and ask the staff that’s tuning it up what they recommend for your style of riding. They know what’s reliable vs. what they are repairing more regularly.
A Dutch e-bike changed my middle-aged life.
Here’s your reminder to just Do The Thing. I did my Thing today and it took like five minutes after I’ve been meaning to do it for months.
Hooray!
Congrats!!!
Woohoo, well done!
I just booked lodging for a very busy vacation week next year – decided to get *something* booked and not let the perfect be the enemy of the good. Feels great to know that the fun trip we have in mind is now totally possible! We won’t be able to get lodging at the last minute, that’s for sure.