Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: High-Waisted Pixie Flare Pants

187 Comments

1. Do you like the desk you use at home? If so, what desk is it? I need a new work from home desk, but am stuck in analysis paralysis weighing all the different factors like size, cost, aesthetics, etc.

   1. I don’t like mine because it’s too shallow. I have a big monitor and then a laptop and a supplemental keyboard and also a mouse and… I don’t have enough room. I have actually been thinking of getting a simple (like Ikea simple) table because I want enough room to do the review I’ve been using my kitchen table for.

      1. Mine is also too shallow. I can’t find anything online that fits what I want – a desk that’s deep (but not necessarily also wide) with some sort of drawers in too.

         1. I’ve been searching Wayfair because they let you sort by dimensions, but I’m finding that brands don’t agree on the definitions. Some call “width” the spread from side to side, others call it what I would consider “depth”.

            1. I keep seeing nice options on Wayfair, but were they not caught up in a scandal to do with the unaccompanied child refugees camps?

            2. Sort of? They sold mattresses to a company that was furnishing detention centers. Their employees called on Wayfair to cancel the order because they didn’t want to be participating in child detention. I sort of get their point, but it’s not like the federal government was saying “oh, no mattresses? Guess we just have to let these kids go!”

            3. In that case, is not the power company and the water company potentially in play also? Food providers?

         2. I wanted a large, deep desk when I renovated my home office, but I couldn’t find one. I bought a heavy duty MDF panel that was 3×5, and mounted it on top of two Ikea desk drawer units. I later added some Ikea legs and a second MDF panel to make it into an L shaped desk. 5 years later, it’s in perfect condition, except for one chip the cat put in it. It holds my personal desktop and two monitors, my work laptop and two more monitors, books, a paper organizer, all my networking equipment, two lamps, and (sometimes) a sewing machine with room leftover to work. Plus it has 8 drawers to fill. Sometimes you’ve got to DIY the right solution.

      2. I used the YPPERLIG dining table from Ikea for about three years as my desk and loved it. I only switched because our house was finally done and it became our dining table again, and also my office was a tad small for it, but it was perfect as a desk.

   2. If you’re looking for a standing desk, I have an Uplift desk. They have a lot of different sizes, colors, and accessories. I’ve had mine for about a year now, and have been very happy with it.

      1. +1 to Uplift. I got mine around Christmas and it’s been great. I got it deep enough that I can push my keyboard off to the side a bit and can write comfortably in a notebook.

      2. +1 to an Uplift desk. I love the availability to pick different sizes and finishes to suit your needs and aesthetics. I also added monitor arms and it has been amazing. I went with the 30 x 60 and am so happy I did. Gives me plenty of space without being obtrusively large.

   3. I use a white IKEA surface ~Lots of available dimensions
      You can choose the legs you want for them, mine are silver. Easy assembly with a screw gun. When this wfh ends it can be disassembled and stored in minimal space.

   4. I have this one from Amazon, and actually like it better than my adjustable height desk at work because it has preset buttons to let you save heights. It is a little taller on the lowest setting than I would like, but otherwise great: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B085KBN2DN/ref=twister_B09BTHQGYB?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

   5. I really wish I’d bought a deeper desk, too. It’s lovely and streamlined and great to look at. Unfortunately, its flaws became very apparent when I started the WFH life. There just no room for notebooks and the various detritus that I like to have near me, not on the floor.

   6. I have the largest Bekant desk from Ikea and a $100 standing desk topper from Costco. Plenty of room for 2 widescreen monitors, notebooks, keyboard, etc.

   7. I have the Fully Jarvis desk and like it.

   8. No advice but commiseration with everyone who needs a deeper desk. We have two small desks we got for free, and I am thinking of putting one behind the other to get the depth I want.

   9. I have a vintage writing desk so I can’t comment on current styles, but the laptop, laptop stand, external keyboard, and second monitor take up a lot of the surface area. I have a small side table like you’d have in your living room next to my desk and when needed it become a side desk for extra surface area. So I get sort of an L shaped desk by putting it in front of my desk on the right hand side.

      Maybe not the most elegant solution but it works for me.

   10. I have a variable sit/stand desk from Ikea and love it. Big working space plus gives option to stand when needed.

   11. Thanks everyone. You’ve confirmed what I suspected–I should prioritize a desk with a large working space (especially depth). This will definitely help narrow things down, as many of the desks I had on my list to consider are less than 24″ deep.

       1. Depending on your space, consider an L shape so you cans sit in the corner and have all the depth you need.

   12. Electronic height adjustable desk from Costco. With three memory settings and built in usb plugs. It’s amazing and fancier than the one I have at work (no preset heights or plugs). I love it.

       My husband splurged and got me a sit-stand or lean stool with builtin memory foam mat on rollers (EgroImpact brand). It’s huge and hideous but very practical.

2. Does anyone else have trouble with button-front flies? How tight is too tight ? And do the buttons come off pretty easily for you? I know that makes it SOUND like mine are probably too tight, but I actually feel like it’s just inevitable with high waist button fronts when you’re standing and sitting and unbuttoning them to go to the bathroom. Or am I wrong – are my pants too tight???

   1. I find them irritating to deal with at any size (as the pants they’re used on, like jeans, typically have fairly thick fabric to begin with, and then it’s extra thick and stiff somewhere like the fly, where there are several layers and stitching).

      Like jumpsuits, therefore, I do not buy them.

      1. Same. I find them annoying to deal with. I haven’t worn button fly pants since college and that was 20 years ago. I like high waist pants that hold in my belly, and a good zipper works fine. After wearing leggings for the majority of last year and mostly dresses in the summer, button fly pants seem like advanced clothes wearing.

   2. And to finish my thought, I usually wear my zipper flies tight so it holds my tummy in but I feel like equivalently tight button front look too tight. I may have to give up on them too.

   3. I like button fly pants. But I also think that part of it is your shape. I carry my ‘meat’ (as my kid would say) more in the sides of my hips and have a long torso and relatively flat lower abdomen. Thus, I don’t have an issue with button flies and they fit quite well and lay nicely.

      My BFF is short waisted and more apple shaped. She hates button fly pants because they are always either too tight or too loose and just… not hitting right. In the words of RuPaul: ‘it’s not the right proportion.’

   4. Buttons come off easily on most clothing. Sigh. For me too tight is when I have to suck in my stomach to button them or if they cause the dreaded camel toe. Either means I need to size up or try a different fit pant.

   5. Y’all must not have to pee with the urgency that I do! When I finally manage to excuse myself from an hours-long call/meeting/conversation, the last thing I want to do is fumble with buttons!

      1. Yes, post having-a-baby button-fly pants are no longer a thing for me. When I gotta go, I gotta go. I’ve done pelvic-floor therapy and tons of Kegels, etc. and it’s better than it used to be, but button-fly pants (and jumpsuits) are still a no.

   6. I refuse to wear them. They’re uncomfortable, and even though I know fashion is cyclic they will always look 80s and dated to me.

3. I saw the thread yesterday from the single late 30s woman who had concerns that dates might be put off by her limited relationship history. I loved the responses to the thread!

   I am in the same situation, except with zero relationship history, because I am extremely plain-looking and do not have much of a personality. This is not me being modest or fishing for compliments, it’s the reality (friends have gently pointed it out as an area to work on). I was wondering if anyone had any positive stories or anecdotes about dating at a late age whilst overcoming these insecurities?

   1. Honestly, if your friends told you that you’re plain-looking and have no personality, then you should look into getting some new friends.

      What do they mean by “not much of a personality”? Are you shy, reserved, more introverted? Does it take you some time to warm up to people? This is all very different from not having a personality, which I doubt is the case.

      For what it’s worth, I met my husband at 34, having not had any long-term relationship experience before that. I am naturally reserved and take some time to warm up to people (so does he). I might have told you in moments of self-doubt before then that I don’t have much personality or any interests, but neither are true, and I bet it’s not true for you, either.

      1. Agree with all of this. I’m guessing you have a lot of wonderful qualities, OP! You don’t have to be gregarious to have a personality. Purely anecdotal, but one of my cousins is very reserved and to my knowledge, never dated anyone seriously before meeting her DH in her late 30s. She has a ton going for her, both career-wise and just being a good, solid person. I think it took developing a level of comfort with her now-husband before they even started dating; they ran in similar professional circles. Once they coupled off, the relationship moved quickly.

   2. I think of myself as a fun and outgoing person and a friend worth keeping. And yet, people just drift and I am in perpetual making-new-friends mode. And other things that peers have done (been invited to join book clubs, been invited to bunko), I have never, ever, ever been invited to. I’d love to just have a group of girl friends to hang out with, but it seems to elude me. I don’t think that I smell or anything.

      1. I bet it’s not you. You’re right that people DO drift, but I think that’s just a fact of life. I have a lot of long-term friends, but I still feel like I always have to be in making-new-friends mode because people’s lives are always shifting—someone moves away, someone has a baby, someone gets really into a new relationship—and people that may have had more time for friendships a few years ago might not now.

   3. I’m sorry, WHAT, your friends said you don’t have much of a personality? I’ve literally never met a human being who didn’t have much of a personality once you took just a tiny bit of time to get to know them.

      And one person’s plain looking is another person’s “type.” Go to ask Reddit and look for some threads on the topic of “what weird thing turns you on.” I bet you’ll find that some random physical appearance thing you have (“cute ears”) is someone’s favorite thing.

      For example, I’m a “conventionally attractive” and outgoing woman and I prefer dating men no taller than 5’8”, bald, bearded, with a bit of a dad-gut, outdoorsy (ie probably wearing cargo shorts…) but also well read (…and a t shirt with a literary pun). My friends tease me for having a “type” – and this type is NOT tall with great hair, chiseled jaw and 6 pack abs.

      You have a great personality, you are attractive, and someone out there will adore you completely as soon as your paths cross. If you want to meet that person, put yourself out there, and if you would prefer to stay single, that’s cool too!

      But absolutely get new friends.

      1. I agree with the OP. You are young, can write an interesting post so I assume you are interesting. More importantly, men will view you positively, as your personality makes clear you are much more than a few orifices for their pleasure. You must be careful not to cow-tow to men or they will not respect you after you have given them what they want. That is not to say you cannot have relations with them; just make sure you do so after they have shown you true interest beyond the couch.

   4. There is nothing wrong with being shy or reserved!

      As for plain… most every woman has some area that she can rock. Talk to a hairstylist about highlights and a flattering cut. Find great jewelry that matches your taste. Acquire some red clothes. Ensure that everything you wear is flattering and fits well. Enjoy fun shoes.

      If you are already doing that, get new friends.

   5. Have you read Sara Eckel’s book, “It’s Not You”? She writes really beautifully about these feelings and worries and it has helped me a lot.

   6. I was hoping someone would bring this up today, I posted on that thread but late. I met my husband when we were both 36. Before me his longest relationship was like 3 months. He was one of those guys who spent his youth having fun and just kind of woke up one day and wanted a family. I, on the other hand, had been unsuccessfully trying to find a suitable man since I was like 15. I got a lot of “ohhh you must be picky” nonsense when I was single. Apparently women aren’t allowed to have standards like, must be kind, reliable, and gainfully employed. But my husband never got any of this condescending ish for being single, and he’s in a community where people tend to marry young.

      It’s truly just a matter of luck and timing. You have to keep putting yourself out there as cheerfully as you can manage for as long as it takes. I asked my now-husband out on our first date at the last minute after I guy I really liked dumped me and canceled our plans for that night. I went into that date determined to have a good time even though I was still sad about the other guy. My husband is reserved, and I’m pretty introverted, and it took a lot of energy to pull anything out of him. But we had a great time and the rest is history. For people who are a little more reserved, dating takes a lot of emotional energy, you have to use that emotional energy budget wisely. Invest it where it’s most likely to lead to results.

   7. OP here. Thank you so much for these helpful comments and your lovely stories!

      On the personality front, I’m not reserved at all, but I can’t banter or engage in the flirtatious or non-flirtatious-but-charming small talk that I hear others do in-person or over these apps. I’ll find a way to work on it – perhaps through Toastmasters or something similar.

      On the looks front, I’m definitely very plain and can see that effect in how I’m treated in stores, restaurants, etc and by strangers and co-workers (not to mention family and friends). But I love the suggestion to focus on what can be fixed – a great hairstyle, jewellery, a better wardrobe- so thanks for that!

      1. I wouldn’t underestimate the power of a good hairstyle, makeup (if you enjoy it) that emphasizes your favorite features, and clothes that fit and flatter. Maybe also booking a personal stylist (virtually) if you feel like your casual/date clothes could use an update?

      2. OK, you could be describing me. I’m only good at banter if I know the person really well and feel 100% comfortable. Or am slightly drunk, which I do not recommend. And … so what? It’s social lubricant, but it’s also not the only way to connect with people.

         Without makeup, I’d describe myself as aggressively average, from a looks standpoint. But with a good hairstyle, a bit of makeup, and clothes that make me feel good, I pass as cute or even attractive. You don’t HAVE to change yourself, of course, but it may not be as big of a leap as you imagine to go from plain >> feeling confident and good in your own skin.

      3. I’m a photographer and I do a lot of portraits of people, and I can tell you everyone has something gorgeous about them. People are SO hard on themselves, it makes me want to cry. I am sure you are lovely.

         1. This is such a beautiful comment. Thank you for saying it.

      4. I’m not great at banter and I’m a little self conscious but I’m generally told that I’m attractive. I’m not trying to toot my own horn here at all. What I mean is that I put a good amount of work into it. I buy good hair, skin and makeup products. I always try to wear a cute outfit that will appeal to the male gaze when on a date. I’m not wearing jeans and a t-shirt on a first date. I’m in a cute dress, low heels, etc. I’ll curl my hair so it has pretty waves, put on eyeliner, mascara, blush, and lipstick etc. I recommend a subscription service like Birchbox to get comfortable with makeup and definitely get a good haircut and dye if needed. Sometimes throwing on a good lipstick or earrings can make a huge difference. I’m definitely not saying it’s for everyone or saying you have to change because you don’t. But if you want to, that’s where I’d start.

         1. I’m late but I want to add to this in case you come back…. I was a very plain person in my 20s, and I learned in my late 20s and early 30s that being attractive can be a learned skill.

            I learned how to do a great job on my makeup and how to get products to look really natural. I learned how to subtly contour.
            I got a great stylist who can make my mousy brown hair which started turning grey when i was 15 and which I hated for YEARS into one of my best features.
            I learned how to dress for my body, and I learned how to make the most of my body at the gym.
            I did other things too that you may or may not want to do- I whitened my teeth, got contact lenses instead of glasses.
            I learned to tint my pale eyebrows to give my face more definition
            I still have features I don’t like, but I think I learned how to make the most of my looks and I think most people would call me attractive now.
            Like most things in life, you can learn to improve what you were born with, but it takes real work and also a bit of humility (like walking into sephora and asking someone to help you!)

      5. You don’t need to learn to banter! You just need find someone whose communication style complements yours.

   8. What in the actual hell? With “friends” like these…. These people are not your friends. Friends should be talking you up in every corner of this world, to anyone who will listen. Do they tell you hard truths? Yes. But those hard truths are things like, “Janet, I can see your underwear through those leggings.” Not “Janet, you don’t have much of a personality.” Jesus H. Christ, what does that even mean?

      I had never been out on an actual date until I was 29. I was (very) overweight my whole life and had basically bought the lie that, because of that, I was unlovable…so I didn’t even try. When I finally put myself out there, I dated A LOT (while I was both up and down the scale) with a few breaks here and there until I was 32 when I met my now husband. I had no long-term relationships – only a few actual relationships that lasted longer than three dates. I will note…the majority of these dating relationships were ended by me. (Sometimes because I didn’t want to date that person anymore…..but, more often, because of my own insecurities.)

      When we met, my husband was 37 – and had been online dating for six months. He is the classic nerdy introvert…he had a job that required a ton of travel, and dealt with some social anxiety….and just…hadn’t dated much since college. We met at 32/37, married at 34/39, and had our first kid last year at 37/42. Are either one of us supermodels? No. Can either of us do a stand up set? Also no. But… He’s a good man, and I find him super attractive, and brilliant, and funny. And I think he’d say similar things about me.

      Most of finding a relationship partner is luck. There is no magic trick….I looked for one. All you can do is help yourself get lucky a little bit quicker by putting yourself out there with your best foot forward.

   9. I am introverted and cannot flirt. I found dating engineers or computer scientists with similarly limited social skills my best path.

      1. Being an introvert has nothing to do with your social skills or flirting ability. Huge pet peeve when people equate “introverted” with “limited social skills.”

         1. oof yes this! It’s not about being shy or awkward, it’s about whether you feel “recharged” by alone time or time with others. I am an introvert but perfectly capable of leading a meeting or making small talk at a c-cktail party, but if I have after-work plans, I don’t feel 100% myself the next day, like I didn’t fully recharge my batteries chilling by myself or with my husband.

            OP, the way to get better at small talk is to practice, but guys that have perfect slick lines may not be your type in the first place. If your personality tends more toward nerdy, by all means make a joke or analogy about whatever it is you’re into – a way more honest connection than trying to fake a winky-flirty style. Also, your friends are rude.

         2. Do you not understand the meaning of the word “and”? It’s a conjunction. Go back to school instead of jumping down my throat.

            1. Yup, definitely limited social skills.

            2. Anon at 1:27 – I hope you display better social skills IRL than you’re displaying on this thread right now. You’re not coming off as someone who should be lecturing someone else about THEIR lack of social skills.

         3. I sense that you may be an introvert. Try not to take these posts so personally. She said she is introverted AND cannot flirt. Unfortunately, these do often go together, but not always. And not being able to flirt does not equate with no social skills.

            As I am also an introvert, who cannot flirt.

         4. Totally. I’m an introvert with pretty good social skills and I actually love being around people and making small talk! But it is draining and afterwards I need alone time.

            I also 100% agree with Cat that practice makes all of these kinds of social interactions so much easier.

   10. I’m the OP from that post and I’m actually early 40s! But I could have written it at any point in my mid/late/pre-COVID 30s (note: turning 40 in the early months of a global pandemic when you live alone will trigger an inevitable midlife crisis)

       To this OP: I agree with everyone else that it sounds like the problem is your friends, not you. Real friends would be talking up all your great qualities! Even if you were plain and boring, which I am sure you’re not, it clearly hasn’t stopped millions of others from finding partners. It sounds more like your insecurities (much like commenters yesterday pointed out that my lack of relationship history was more of my own issue than something others would care about) at play than anything else.

       It will only help you in dating if you feel your best about your looks and personality, whatever your best may be. There are things you can work on if you feel nervous about making conversation or don’t know how to style your hair or whatever. But I promise you that you can and should date exactly as you are and without even having met you, I am SURE you are a lovely person inside and out!

       1. + 1. I actually find the make yourself over advice to be a bit misguided. If you needed permission to invest in your appearance and that was holding you back, definitely take the advice. But if at the end of the day you just aren’t girlie, and would feel silly in a frock and heels, ignore it and look for casual events where you don’t have to do something out of your comfort zone. No one wears heels on a hike or bird walk, and those are great places to find the unattached.

   11. People are all very different. Some people naturally are great at flirting and date often. A lot of other people, men and women, really have to try. If you’re reserved and a little anxious, it may be something you have to deliberately go after and make opportunities. I’m similar with friends. I’m not the person who gets invited to lots of events as I can be reserved. You can put yourself out there more for both dating and friendships. Also, notice how often there are chats about dating here. It’s very rough for many perfectly normal people, but at the end of the day, you only need to click with a single, right for you person.

       1. Honestly everything about dating sounds like hell to me. But even dating isn’t actually obligatory; there are lots of ways to meet and get to know people. Sometimes including other people who just don’t date.

          1. Dating is indeed a special level of hell.

   12. I am married to a man who works in the IT/computer industry. He has two male coworkers who are between 40 and 50 and have never married. They are both average looking and super nerdy. And both are absolutely lovely men who are super smart, nice, friendly, thoughtful, considerate, wear well ironed shirts, cook, own homes, and appear to be financially stable; both are nerdy and socially awkward. I don’t know either one well enough to know why neither has married, but I look at them and think they’re the exact type of guys who would have been overlooked by women who wanted someone dashing and fun and cool to hang out with, but they would make absolutely excellent husbands from what I can tell (again, these are DH’s coworkers so my exposure is only so great). Maybe look for people (including men to date) in STEM fields where you can find smart and quality people who may care less about looks and banter than they do about substance.

4. Etiquette question: a 2020 wedding we were invited to got canceled last year, but the marriage still happened, quietly. We sent a gift at the time, equal in value to what we normally give for weddings we do not attend. It was unclear to us last year whether there would later be a large celebration. We recently got invited to that couple’s re-scheduled large wedding celebration. We cannot attend the new date and have sent our regrets. Should we be sending another gift? (I guess out of curiosity, if you think no, would your answer change if we were attending the new celebration?)

   1. I would not send another gift, and if I were in the couple, I’d never expect another gift. My answer doesn’t change whether you attend or not. The gift is to celebrate or commemorate the couple’s marriage, and you’ve done that.

   2. I’m in a similar situation but actually attending the new celebration (and the original one was cancelled well before the wedding gift list went up). I will take a bottle of champagne and some sort of Oxfam Unwrapped charity gift.

   3. You don’t need to send another gift. For me personally, if I was attending I’d give a bottle of champagne, but it’s definitely not necessary.

      1. This is exactly what I’d do!

      2. +1.

   4. Definitely wouldn’t be send another gift, but I would write a nice card.

   5. I wouldn’t send a second gift in your case, nor if I was attending. I would send another congratulations card, but I don’t think it’s necessary.

   6. I’m a bride in this situation and would prefer that you not send another gift. We have plenty and we are doing the larger celebration so we can celebrate with people that we didn’t get to celebrate with last year.

   7. Nope. You sent a gift for the wedding.

   8. No, perhaps just a cute card (whether attending or not).

   9. Thanks all! Appreciate the gut check.

   10. Agree with everyone else, no gift, send a card if you’re inclined. If I were attending in person I would also probably bring something small (or have it shipped ahead of time if I was traveling).

   11. I agree it’s absolutely not required and I wouldn’t send another place setting or anything, and I’m in the demographic where having many many weddings to go to every year is long gone, I’d be tempted to send something kind of fun or sentimental to the bride (if she was my friend) – I like the Mrs. Boxes (spin on the ubiquitous ring dish) or a special perfume or something like that if we were close. Gifts are my love language and I don’t think you should feel like you can’t do something. But you definitely don’t have to.

   12. If they were my friends I probably would because it’s been a crap year and I’d rather err on the side of generous, but it’s certainly not required.

   13. No way, one gift and done, whether you attend or not.

5. WFH/weekend question for the Fall/Winter — what do we wear under casual comfy dresses? Tights seem impossibly restrictive after 1.5 years of full comfort dressing and leggings seem *very* late-aughts but maybe leggings it is?

   1. Leggings are probably the answer, and leaning on trendy(ish) footwear to make everything look more current. I just cannot with tights, even though they look dressier and more polished than leggings.

      1. Team leggings – I only wear skirts and dresses and I think I wore tights twice last winter.

      2. No, leggings under tights and dresses make you look like a 4 year old. It is never a good look on anybody over the age of the 12. And this is true even if you can’t see your foot. Leggings have seams and tights don’t and it’s very obvious if you’re wearing them.

   2. I feel that the answer is Athleta fleece leggings and tunic-length sweatshirts.

   3. Tights that actually fit! I find the right ones to be incredibly comfortable and supportive rather than restrictive – I get them from Snag.

      1. +1. No recommendations on brand, but tights can be comfortable.

      2. I have burned so much $$ on tights that do not fit properly. I don’t know what the answer is; I have given up.

         1. The answer is Commando. So expensive, so good.

            1. Just know that Commando doesn’t have control top, and I didn’t realize how much I prefer some structure there. Or things still fall down on me due to my shape (large butt).

      3. Tights are meant to be tight. If you buy them bigger then they sag sadly around the shins and ankles.

         1. Haha hence the name.

         2. Maybe it’s because I’m tall and I’ve never experienced tights being too long, but the tights I buy even in big sizes are way narrower than my legs when they’re not on me. They still stretch to fit even though they’re bigger than what the size chart recommends. Penney’s used to sell tights in lengths, maybe buying a short size would help?

   4. Tights are basically just much thinner leggings. If your tights are restrictive then size up! I would avoid leggings under dresses.

   5. Just buy bigger tights. I have never liked the dress + leggings look as it reminds me far too much of the oversized sweatshirt + stirrup pants looks I rocked in 1993.

      1. Stirrup pants need to come back.

   6. I like tights from Commando. They have a really wide, yogapant-esque waistband.

   7. Where are we going in this look? If you mean for in the house, who cares. Going out, put on some tights.

      1. +1. My “WFH attire” is Nike Tempo shorts I bought 12 years ago and a T-shirt from L.L. Bean. It just doesn’t matter and no one at my office cares what I wear.

   8. I am team tights, not legging due to seams. I have good luck with HUE brand sized 1 up so I don’t feel like a sausage in a casing:)

6. Obviously this is something I will talk with a financial advisor about, but if you had $50,000 sitting in a checking account, what would you do with it? Just had a baby, so in theory could put it in a 529, no debt other than mortgage, have small investment and Roth IRA accounts, (<$15k each), would love to travel but don't feel that comfortable with it at the moment, given The Way Things Are, could make some improvements to the house that would be probably 70% aesthetic vs 30% functional (landscaping, gutters, refinishing floors, etc), and somewhat uncertain about longevity of current job (mostly due to incompatibility with other partners) so maybe I should just keep it in a low risk investments?

   1. No question at all that it would be earmarked for retirement savings given that what you’ve described above seems to suggest that hasn’t been a significant focus to date. Unless maybe you’re not in the US and retirement savings needs are different in your country?

      If that’s what you decide, since it’s a set chunk of cash and not a forthcoming work bonus, you won’t be able to put all of it into an IRA this year because of tax limits, and potentially salary limits depending on how much you earn. If it were me, I would move as much as legally allowed into the IRA, and then put the rest in a total market low cost index fund with the expectation that it will be part of your broader retirement nest egg. (Do you have access to a 401k at work? I would use this as a kick-in the butt to also enroll in that and set maximum manageable contributions at the same time).

   2. Leave it there, it’s not that much money.

      1. I disagree just because she seems to be thinking of different ways to use it. Put it somewhere harder to get until you know what you want to do with it, rather than just trying to think of ideas because it’s there.

         1. Misread, thought she was concerned about not investing it. If you have a kid and a house, things come up. I’d still leave it accessible and wouldn’t try to come up with reasons to touch it.

   3. Why do you have $50K in a checking account, but a very small Roth IRA? Start funding that thing.

   4. Is this on top of your emergency fund, or is it your emergency fund? My emergency fund is in a high-yield FDIC-insured savings account.

   5. Is that your entire emergency fund? Do you contribute to other retirement accounts? I’d at least max the Roth IRA and maybe move the money to a high yield savings account, then just let it sit. Unless you have another emergency fund, I definitely wouldn’t spend it.

   6. Is this your emergency fund? If so (or it’s mostly emergency fund + some extra), I’d keep some in a checking account and move some to a higher yield savings account (honestly they’re not much higher but it’s something) that can be readily accessed with a week or so of notice.
      If it’s not your emergency fund, figure out what your priorities are and how soon you want to move forward with renovations/etc. You really need a timeline to determine what investments (if any) are appropriate… if it’s for remodeling in 6 months or retirement in 30+ years, the answers are going to be totally differnet.

      1. If you’re looking to figure out where your priorities are, I’d check out the reddit personal finance prime directive (first result on g**gle) – it’s a good flowchart of suggested priorities.

   7. Check out Frugalwoods — I think she recommends funding in this order:
      1. Pay down high interest debt
      2. Accrue 3-6 month emergency fund (you didn’t mention this — do you have one?) in high-yield savings account e.g. American Express.
      3. Fund retirement (your kids can take out loans for college; you cannot take out loans to retire).
      4. All other goals.

      I’m thinking you would be looking at some combination of #2 and 3, just based on what you shared.

   8. It sounds like you both want to put it to work and also want to keep it liquid. How about a CD ladder? You won’t earn a ton, but it’s better than nothing, and you can set up the stagger as loosely as you need.

      1. I looked into a CD ladder a few months ago and the interest rates weren’t any better than I was getting in my high-yield savings account. Don’t know if that has changed.

         1. Definitely depends on your area and access. I have better luck scouring small local credit unions than national banks.

   9. I’m confused by this. Do you have a 401k or any other retirement accounts? Emergency fund or other savings? If not I’d put that entire thing in a 401k or live off of it and plug you’re entire paycheck in the 401k until maxed out for tax savings. I definitely wouldn’t travel or do anything other than retirement or emergency savings. With a baby, you’ll need it.

   10. I don’t think you need to consult a financial advisor to figure out what to do with $50k. It’s not that much money.

       1. Disagree. It’s a lot of money for many people.

          1. But it’s not financial advisor worthy just bc it’s a lot to some people.

   11. Thanks, all! This is over and above other set aside funds. I hadn’t been focused much on putting it into retirement since my husband has significant pension and retirement, and frankly the market has freaked me out the last couple of years, but with everyone chiming in about how important that is, I probably will push it into my own retirement vehicle. Better to regret saving for retirement than regret not saving for retirement!

       1. For my situation, we keep a checking account buffer, emergency fund in a savings account tied to that checking account, save our preferred target amount in our 401k’s, and then everything else goes to a brokerage account that we invest in varying levels of risk.

          That brokerage account has allowed us to say “Yes” so many times. We’ve bought houses, switched jobs, changed up childcare, taken vacations, pulled the trigger on home improvement, and really been able to take advantage of opportunities that presented themselves at the right time because we’ve squirreled away cash into the brokerage account.

          1. Late to the party, but a Roth 401K can be treated the same as a savings account. Whatever you put in can be taken out without tax implications since the contribution is post-tax. If placed in a relatively low risk mutual fund, you will be making more on your contribution than any savings account, yet the money can be easily accessed.

7. I just need to grumble about this to get it out of my system. My husband goes to work super early in the morning so our bedtimes don’t match up. Today, he called me 2 hours before I had to wake up to ask me to bring him something he forgot. He couldn’t leave work for whatever reason. Fine, I’ll get up and drive it to him and then go back to sleep. It took me ~30 mins to get out the door, and I called him to ask where I should meet him. He told me he was going into a meeting for the next hour and would have to meet me after. Thanks so much for waking me up 2 hours early when you’re not even available for 1.5 hours so now I don’t have time to go back to sleep. Grumble grumble more coffee.

   1. Your husband sucks.

      1. +1

      2. +1

   2. I would be so pissed and would demand a donut (or treat of your choice) as compensation. As a start.

      1. yes, this is so inconsiderate and outside of the usual mutual spousal support, there would need to be some kind of delicious making up.

      2. No, he should be groveling so hard that she doesn’t have to ask for anything.

         (I’m concerned that he’s not groveling because he thinks this was remotely ok.)

   3. Whaaaa? If my husband did this I would be livid.

   4. I would have been angry just on the wake up call. Honestly, I was rarely willing to do this for my kids when they forgot lunches, gym clothes, etc. Personal responsibility and all that. And your husband’s response when you arrived with his item suggests that he is really lacking in personal responsibility and respect for your time. A doughnut would not cut it; we’d be having a conversation about responsibility and respect.

      1. +100

      2. +1,000. I don’t accept doughnuts as an alternative to respect.

      3. I disagree, actually – in my marriage, we’ve made it a specific value to always help each other out and do what we can to make each other’s lives easier. That would include bringing something to the office from time to time. The key, though, is that it needs to be reciprocal.

         In this case, I’m guessing that the husband needed something before heading into meetings and OP took longer than anticipated getting out the door, which meant that the drop-off time didn’t work. Super annoying, yes, but I would not blow this up into a bigger “respect” issue. It doesn’t meet that bar to me.

   5. I am stuck on the you having to bring him something he forgot. Was it his insulin, or something? If the item he forgot is that mission-critical to his day or life, he should have been able to ask to leave to go home to get it – I’m getting from your post you don’t live that far from his office?

      1. Or at the very least, if it was that urgent, then he would have met her to collect it from her rather than attend his 1.5 hour meeting.

      2. Yeah I have no clue what happened. He sounded kind of panicked and he is so not the panicky type. Seems like he wasn’t really thinking straight, which is also out of character. Something must’ve gone wrong aside from him forgetting the thing. I’m still annoyed though.

   6. Why on earth would you do this? Have some self respect

8. I stopped buying ON pixies because the quality plummeted. I wouldn’t waste money buying these.

9. I’m attending an Indian wedding in a few months, which has a dress code of “Indian festive” or cocktail attire, black tie optional. I have a few questions about what to wear. The invitation colors are saffron yellow, red, and salmon. Are there any colors that should be avoided at an Indian wedding besides white? I’ve seen photos of brides wearing bright red or pink, are those colors “not allowed”?

   1. I would probably avoid red, white, or black. But you can ask your friend(s) who are getting married. Ime people are super pleased when their non-Indian friends make an effort to celebrate their culture, they will be very happy to give you advice, don’t feel like you’re annoying them.

   2. I’m Indian. We love it when you wear Indian clothes to our celebrations. Do NOT worry about any cultural appropriation issues at all, leave that for your Western friends.

      Bling it on! Invitation colours don’t matter. Pure white to be avoided, but ivory etc are all fine.
      NOTHING is off the table. Try to avoid unrelieved black.

      You’ll never be able to outdo an Indian bride. So dress up!

      1. Oh, and of course you can wear red or pink. Bride will wear a red or pink heavily embellished sari or lehenga. With idles of jewellery. Half the people there would also wear red…! The bride will still stand out by a mile.

         1. Thank you! I’m looking forward to seeing everyone’s festive outfits :)

      2. 100% agree. Wear ALL the Indian clothes and ALL the jewelry.

   3. Also totally fine to wear bright red or pink!

   4. I am so jealous! I have several close friends that had big amazing Indian weddings but we became friends later in life so I wasn’t at the weddings. All their extended family weddings are AMAZING!

   5. Interesting! We have been asked once not to wear red or pink. May be worth a quick check with the bride. But it’s true, there’s no way your basic party lehenga will compete with a wedding outfit for bling :)

      1. That’s very unusual. The bride would have told OP if that was bizarrely the case

         1. It was a small Marathi wedding, for what it’s worth. Maybe varies across communities?

            1. Might have been bride’s preference. Red is a common wedding color but many wedding guests wear red outfits that are clearly non-bridal.

   6. Wear whatever you want! Dress allll the way up – there is no upstaging the bride. I just went to a family friends wedding and I swear the lengha I wore was so fancy I could have gotten married in it – but still definitely didn’t upstage the bridge.

      It should just be festive. So if its black it should have beading or something else on it, same with white. At said wedding my sister and I noted that either Indian clothes or a brightly colored cocktail dress on the longer side were both good bets for all guests, Indian or not

10. has anyone used Oribe goldlust shampoo? I impulsively bought the liter size of it yesterday in the dermstore sale and am wondering if I just wasted a lot of money on shampoo!

    1. Oribe is basically the gold standard of hair care in my opinion and the opinion of hairstylists I’ve spoken to. However, I don’t think you need to splurge on shampoo in general. I actually just bought some Oribe styling products (heat protectant and serum). They are the best.

    2. I tried a sample years ago and didn’t think it did anything extra for my hair, as with most hair products. The only hair product that wowed me was Briogeo Don’t Despair Repair conditioner, back when my hair was dying from chlorine because I was swimming every other day.

       1. Mine is that hard water repair powder. So maybe the only hair products that “wow” are the ones that fix some obvious thing we’re doing to our hair!

       2. I got that as a Sephora sample once and I also really liked it.

    3. I only use Oribe products on my hair and it has never looked better. And I’m cheap! But it’s so worth it.

    4. Gold Lust and my hair don’t get along very well. It makes it seem both dry and flat. On the other hand, the Oribe Signature shampoo is sitting in my shower right now. If you’re not happy with what you bought, try to see if they will let you return or exchange it.

11. This isn’t my best quality, but I have noticed that I am struggling mightily with resentment. Not just in one area of life, either. I feel it at home, and at work. I believe it stems from feeling overlooked, unappreciated, and/or overworked. I feel like all the hard work I do is completely invisible. Anyway, how do I fix this?

    1. In my marriage I think our worst fights have happened when the world just seems to pile on. Which, ahem, the pandemic hasn’t exactly helped. It’s not JUST that he’s been too busy to make time for me, I also can’t seem to get hold of my boss/mentor/direct reports, my best friends cancel our walk and talks many times in a row, and my family is too embroiled in their own drama to even take my calls. It’s like I suddenly became invisible to the whole world. DH tends to get the brunt of it because it’s kind of hard for him to avoid me. I try to focus on hobbies, anything that occupies my mind and hands and isnt just watching TV or scrolling through social media (which only makes the isolation feel worse).

    2. No solutions just commiseration. I want to disappear for a month so they can appreciate my work but I know if I did that I’d have dead pets, my home would be a biohazard, and my family malnourished.

    3. Resentment is always “my problem” what I mean is that the other party is walking around happy joyous and free while I am steaming. That said, what helped me was reading a truckload of 12 step literature on the topic. Ultimately for me it had everything to do with waiting too long to speak up, or act in accordance with my own truth as opposed to appeasing the other person, or collectively not make waves, or because I was just scared they’d leave if I did have a need that didn’t coincide with what I was “supposed” to do, be, or say. Uggh.
       Life’s too short to hold it all in! Pipe up ~ you can do it!!

    4. My only solution is dogs. They always see me and are always overjoyed when I walk in the door. I cannot say this about any of the people in my work or personal life.

       1. I endorse this comment.

       2. Pets are the ultimate resentment for me. They use up a ton of time, money, and resources, and constantly mess and soil everywhere.

    5. Do you stand up for yourself or are you a people-pleaser?

12. I would describe myself as a skirt and dress wearer 90% of the time, but after a weight loss my last remaining pants that I wore during transitional weather — as in too warm for tights but too cool for bare legs weather— no longer fit. I’m on the west coast, so this would be September to early October weather. I want to dip my toes into one or two casual pant styles. What shapes are stylish these days? I was thinking of a shape like like the pants featured here in a drapier material and wearing these with leather fancier runners to work. Is this look stylish? I am also thinking of straight leg loose pants too. I have some older jeans that due to weight loss read as looser straight leg. Workplace is jeans and runner casual, and I would wear pants with nice casual sneakers or flats. I like full length rather than cropped pants. What would you wear? TIA!

    1. The Banana Republic jumpsuit, that I also discovered here? Stylish wider cropped pant leg, but loose and very forgiving. Could dress it up with flats/jewelry/topper, or dress it down with casual topper and sneakers.

       I love the drape of the lower part of this jumpsuit so much, and the cut/fabric that flatters my rear and hides my large thighs, that I wish I knew of regular pants that were similar that I could purchase.

    2. Why not just a pair of straight cut medium to dark wash jeans?

    3. I recommend going to stores and trying on a multitude of different cuts of pants to see what feels good on your new self. Having finally learned that I am not a trendy person, I now only get items that feel right for my shape regardless of what marketers would have me dress in.

    4. Thank you for the ideas. I will go I store and try lots of pants on! May end up with another skirt though as they are so much easier:)

13. My cousin was married last year but celebrating with her west coast family in a few week. Think big outdoor casual bbq but she’ll be in her wedding dress.

    There was no registry. Bridge and groom are late 30s and both well established professionals. They own a home together that is fully furnished.

    What would you gift? I don’t know them well, otherwise would consider something like art. I sort of want to get them nice Adirondack chairs but don’t want to spend $700 (this would also make them feel super awkward).
    Engraved champagne seems ok, but not quite enough of a gift (and probably what everyone is getting- this was both of my siblings’ idea!). My mom is making them something (I think a quilt?). Cash seems weird here.

    I was thinking something like a fresh flower subscription? Or another type of thing they could receive that’s consumable?

    I would also do something like a set of fun pasta bowls or serving ware but I don’t want to burden them with clutter.

    Ideas?

    1. I think cash is fine here. Fwiw when I got married dh and I were similarly situated and did not have a registry. Cash was appreciated.

    2. If they didn’t register, they want cash.

       1. Or maybe they don’t want gifts. I didn’t. OP, I would ask them.

    3. If you want to do a flower subscription I like the Bouqs! My siblings and I have an arrangement sent to my grandma monthly. You can do it like monthly, every two months or quarterly I think. She seems really happy with the quality of the flowers and it makes her feel thought of (while in reality it’s a set it and forget it mechanism on our end).

    4. In my family, cash rolls downhill vs. across the generation – so grandparents, aunts, and uncles give cash for weddings, but cousins don’t write checks to each other.

       The flowers idea is really nice. You could pair it with a pretty vase (I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like Simon Pearce!) if you want it to feel more substantial.

    5. If you really want to get them a physical present – Baccarat shot glasses are my go to. Small enough that they don’t create clutter and, as adults, if we are going to do shots we might as well be classes about it.

    6. Cash

    7. – donation to a cause they both care about
       – local restaurant/musuem/attractions gift cards/passes?

    8. I would consider a gift card to a nice restaurant in their town/city with outdoor seating. Like, it’s something that is thoughtful and cash equivalent and they can go on a date night!

    9. Kind of a fresh take on drink ware – what about a pair of insulated flutes, wine glasses, tumblers, etc. from Yeti or similar? You could get them personalized if you know what they would prefer or just give them blank ones and they can get them personalized if they like.

       1. OP here. I love this. I’m all about the outdoor drink coozies these days. I can pair it with a beverage and also a gift card to a restaurant near them.

          They don’t want cash (or at least, I asked my aunt/ her mom and her mom was like DONT EVEN WORRY ABOUT GIFTS! JUST COME! Which of course is helpful but…I want to bring a present! I’m technically a few years older than her, but we are very much same generation and it feels weird in the same way it would feel weird for me to get a peer cash.

    10. I would be elated to receive a flower or wine subscription.

    11. I was exactly your cousin – eloped and had a party later, married at 40 fully established and didn’t register. We didn’t register because we were eloping, established and didn’t want to make anyone feel like they needed to get us anything – it ran counter to the “come celebrate our joy” message. People give you stuff anyway and it’s lovely no matter what. My favorite gifts were restaurant gift cards – at the time, Open Table was the only reservation game in town and they offered gift certificates to any of their restaurants. Today, I’d look to see if Tock or Resy offer something similar (or whatever is popular where they live). We dined out for months on those and always toasted the person who gave us a night out. Second favorite gift category was consumables subscriptions. We got an especially nice one for cheese of the month from Cowgirl Creamery. Least favorite gift was champagne – it was a lovely thought but we got SO much of it and while we’re both drinkers, neither of us love bubbles that much. We are still working through the supply almost 8 years later. That said, for extra credit, a move I’ve stolen from one of my best friends is sending two glasses of champagne to the table where my friends are having dinner at the start of the meal. This is totally separate from bringing a wedding gift, but it’s a move I use a lot. You obviously need to be close enough to know where someone is going and when, but it’s pretty easy to work w the front of house staff to set up a little surprise.

        1. I would absolutely adore a subscription from Cowgirl Creamery. That’s an awesome gift.

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