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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 253 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Jersey Jacket

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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Pink Blazer: H&M Jersey JacketOur daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I've recently started buying a lot of my son's clothes at H&M (they have a good selection of affordable organic cotton if you're on the hunt), and this lovely $35 blazer caught my eye. (We're featuring the pink, but it's also available in black, gray, and navy.) A simple jersey blazer is a great springtime topper that makes everything look a bit more professional, and is usually easy care. (We checked with H&M about this one, and they say it's machine washable, line dry.) It's available in sizes 2-14 for $35. H&M Jersey Jacket Here's an affordable pink blazer that's available in plus sizes. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-3)

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Comments

  1. CPA Lady

    I look at that outfit and I see Julia Roberts. Did she wear that exact outfit in a movie? Steel Magnolias? Pretty Woman? Or did someone in a Julia Roberts movie wear that? It seems so early ’90s to me.

    • Anonymous

      YES — I was just going to comment on the 90s vibe.

      I’m all about mid-rise jeans, but the rise on those seems to be high or off or in danger of veering into camel toe (something I’ve not seen in a long while). Maybe it would be less 90s with black BR Sloan-type pants? The wash of the jeans is also very 90s (I think they wouldn’t so 90s paired with black, but not a light wash with a lot of other light colors).

      • TO Lawyer

        +1 – I think it’s the wash of the jeans and the white shirt tucked in that makes this look so 90s (and not in a good way).

        • Anonymous

          Although I was also thinking that it would also look very 90s with a top that stopped at the waistband at the jeans (esp. if it had large buttons down the side and possible also down the side of a sleeve).

          I saw slipdresses in a magazine recently. Ugh. Maybe it’s time to go get a perm . . .

      • Anonymous

        It immediately reminded me of MBFW too, even though I think she actually wore a similar outfit in Pretty Woman. But it looks more mid-late 90s than late 80s/early 90s, which is why I think my mind went to MBFW.

    • Cat

      This is also Pretty Woman — matching jacket and shorts (coral-colored) when Kit stops by the fancy hotel, crossed with the blazer-and-jeans look at the end.

    • CPA Lady

      Okay, the more that I look at it the less I think Julia Roberts and the more I think first season of Friends Monica Geller.

  2. Switching to a 9-to-5

    I’d like to hear stories from those of you who made the transition from intense jobs to more 9-to-5 kinds of jobs. How did you do it? What is/was your industry? What was the pay cut like? Overall, are you happy with your decision?

    I’m especially curious about how one identifies these unicorn jobs. What are keywords I can look for in a posting? What questions can I ask in an interview that won’t make me look like a slacker?

    • KT

      I worked an 80+hour week job earning 6 figures and an annual bonus that was more than most families’ salaries. I was a PR person for a major pharmaceutical company.

      And I hated it. I gained about 50 lbs, I cried all the time at home, I never saw my husband, and I got a prescription for antidepressants.

      One day I came home, looked at my husband, and just started bawling. I had just been fantasizing about getting a disease or being in a major car accident, because that would mean I wouldn’t have to work for a few days. That was rock bottom for me. My husband and I sat down and figured out what we could do.

      I knew I would never find another job that matched my salary, and we decided that was okay. We cut our expenses a great deal, moved to a cheaper area, and we were able to stretch our dollars.

      I ended up taking a 50% pay cut in base salary (and no bonus, so more like 70%) to work at a non-profit. Every single person told me I was insane. But I seriously cannot remember the last time I felt this happy. I’m healthier, I don’t need medication, I actually get to go home at 4:30 on the dot and see my family. It still feels like an amazing luxury vacation.

      Non-profits generally are more 9-5ish than corporate–the salaries are lower than corporate, so they compensate with more flexible hours and generous vacation (5 weeks for first year employees here!) Others in my area offer 4-day work weeks.

      (Moreover, my experience in pharma means I have very specialized knowledge, which makes me a valuable freelancer. I started getting contacted by companies asking me to take on the occasional project. I do about 10 hours a week freelancing and make exorbitant amounts of money. If that hadn’t happened–and it didn’t for the first 6 months–we would have been fine, but it’s awesome that it did and that I actually have TIME to do it)

      • Anonymous

        This is not true of a lot of nonprofits, in my experience. I’m mid-career and have worked in several mission-driven non-profits where people are really married to their work– like, they put in 80 hour weeks, eat dinner at their desks, and even sleep in their offices sometimes. It’s a myth that non-profits are generally less stressful, though I’m sure there are some that are (just as there are corporate jobs that fall on both ends of the stress spectrum).

        • Baconpancakes

          This. The two non-profits I worked for were “Why would you want to gone? Don’t you believe in the cause?” Towards time off and flexibility.

    • JP

      I actually went the other way – from an amazing, in-house gig as a corporate lawyer that really involved 9-5 hours (and amazing co-workers, and great pay, and fabulous perks – sigh), to a job that requires much more of me (facetime company that requires you to be in office from 8-6). I made the move for personal reasons (moved across the country for my husband’s job), and I wouldn’t change my decision – but man do I miss that job. As far as how to spot those types of positions, it’s difficult – to the extent you can identify people within the organization who you can meet outside of the interview context (for coffee, informational interviews, etc.), you might get more transparent info about the job. I’ve found that every legal employer emphasizes during the interview process how hard they work – probably to set expectations – so you’re not likely to get honest answers during the interview process. But some companies just have good reputations – and those reputations are earned for a reason (the company I was at was known for being a fun place to work, even for the lawyers). Sorry, it’s not necessarily helpful advice, but I assure you that the amazing 9-5 legal job (with good pay) does exist!

    • Betty

      I think my story is pretty standard and a common one you will hear: I was an associate in biglaw, making six figures, great bonus and working 70-90 hour weeks. When I started, I was in my mid-20s and it was kind of fun in an intense way. Five years later, my son was born and I remember crying on my way into the office when he was about 8 months old, realizing that there was a good chance I wouldn’t see him awake that day. By that point, I was miserable in biglaw. What had once been fun (long hours! dinner in the office!) was eating away at my marriage, and my soul.

      My husband and I decided that when he (my husband) graduated from grad school, we would make some changes. I was incredibly fortunate to find a great clerkship out of the big city and close to my family. We moved “home” and sold our house in the city. My salary was half of what I made in biglaw, but we had saved and bought an old farm house and had money to spare in rehabbing it. I clerked for a few years and am now in house.

      My hours are 9-5, and I make about half of what I did in my biglaw days. But my time in biglaw taught me that money cannot buy happiness if you are otherwise miserable. I do not regret my decision for a moment. I’m glad I spent time in the belly of the beast, but I love my in house job at a medium sized company. I have responsibility, independence and the opportunity for growth. I hang out with my kids in the morning and get my son on the school bus, and I am home in time for dinner every night. I am involved in my community in a way that just isn’t possible if you are working all the time. Yes, I make less money, but I am truly ok with that.

    • Lawcountant

      I went from public accounting to working in a tax department adjacent to an estate and trusts department of a law firm.

      Hours- I went from being expected to bill 60 hours a week to billing around 35 a week. From working every day including full Saturdays and part Sundays to not working on the weekend at all.

      Pay- I get paid about the same, but I never made a lot of money in public accounting — mid 60s

      How did I do it? I worked with a recruiter who was recommended to me by someone who also left public accounting . I was very honest about what I wanted and was willing to wait and stay in public accounting until I found a job that could provide the work life balance I wanted. In my interview I was honest about what I wanted too. Both of my bosses came from public accounting backgrounds, so they understood why I wanted to leave. If you interview to go in-house, you’ll be interviewing with peopl who wanted the same things as you, so you dont really have to try to not look like a slacker.

      Am I happy? Yes. 85% of the time. I’m not stressed, I can sleep at night, I can spend time with my friends and family, I like my coworkers. I dont feel beat down and stupid all the time like I did in public accounting. But 15% of the time, I really miss it. It is still hard for my ego that I “gave up”. I miss the challenge and the adrenaline and the feeling like I was always going towards a new and harder goal.

    • Emmer

      I went from Biglaw billing about 2300 hours a year to a boutique firm where I work about 9:30 – 6/6:30 with minimal weekend work. Unlike a lot of people, I never hated biglaw – I loved the work I did, the people I worked with, and frankly was kicking a** at my job, but I knew that it wasn’t sustainable long-term and I didn’t want to be partner. I could easily have done it another year (left as a 3rd year), but was recruited for a very rare opening at a boutique firm known for being way more sane. Like Lawcountant, 85% of the time I am so happy because my quality of life improved so much. But 15% of the time I miss the challenge and responsibility that came with my old job, and the fact that I had so much success at a job where so many people get beaten down.

      • Emmer

        Oh, and to answer your question about how to do it – I was recruited out of the blue. I think you should ask questions about hours expectations during an interview. If it’s a larger company there might be some stuff online about workplace culture. I only took about a 10K cut from my base salary but a very large (80%) cut to my bonus.

    • Anon

      I moved from Counsel in biglaw to jd-preferred in house. Am actually making slightly more money (after bonus, 401k match, etc.), but without the upward trajectory if I had remained and made partner. Still have the option to move laterally within the company, but my current role has no promotional path. Hours are fantastic, benefits are great, not billing time is everything I hoped it would be.

      I knew this was a common off ramp for attorneys with my skill set, so I bided my time, vetted a ton of opportunities that weren’t the right fit, and jumped when the right job came up. Also worked with a recruiter who specializes in this type of job.

      I do still miss practicing law, but the benefits of the move far exceed that con (at least for now). If you’re interested, I would (1) figure out the natural alternative for your skill set; then (2) start focusing on jobs in that area. When I first started looking, I was pretty desperate to get out, so I was looking at anything that could possibly fit, but I eventually focused on my technical strengths, which made the job search much easier. Oh, and once I knew what kind of job I was looking for, patience was the key (which was REALLY hard!!). Also, for me, there was a huge variation in pay/travel/benefits in these alternative jobs, so after watching a lot of the job opportunities, I had a better sense when a good one (for me) came around.

    • Happy Contract Attorney

      I went from a partnership-track position in MidLaw (BigLaw for my city) to a contract position with the same firm. On paper, I kept the same pay level (per hour), for fewer hours, but it really worked out to about a 40% paycut for 30% fewer hours (due to some stuff that is really hard to not do, but that I can’t really bill, including marketing myself internally and externally). I lost all of my benefits, but that was not a problem because my SO has great benefits that he added me to. I was able to do it because I am very good at what I do, I practice in a niche area with growing activity, and I had very good relationships with most of the important people involved in firm management. Also, a huge rainmaker really went to bat for me to get me what I wanted. It helped that I wasn’t afraid to walk away to start my own solo practice in my niche area if it wouldn’t work for (I didn’t disclose this, but it gave me confidence to know that I was going to change my life for the better even if they said “No” to fewer hours).

      You can’t apply for my job–I essentially created it for myself. I think this is true of most unicorn positions. So I would encourage you to think through how you can change things for yourself. Could you push for adjustments at your current place that would make your job better? How likely would those people be to work with you? Could you find another company that has a better environment for you to start building what you want? What makes you so afraid of a paycut–can you conquer that fear to give yourself the confidence to seek out something with a better happiness factor, but less money? Good luck!

  3. Anonymous

    Who watched Scandal last night? What about Lizzie-Bear’s insane outfit that made her look like she was in her mother’s clothes?

  4. Anonymous

    I am kind of over dressing for work lately. Maybe it’s the change in seasons, but I can’t seem to put outfits together and am just defaulting to the same three pencil skirts, two blouses, and one blazer.

    What do you do when you’re in a ‘getting dressed’ rut? Buy new stuff? Do a closet purge? Wait it out?

    • Konmari advice?

      Is it decision fatigue? Can you reframe it as a uniform inspired by tech CEOs rather than a rut?

      • Anonymous

        A uniform sounds pretty appealing. An intentional uniform, rather than the default one I’ve got going on now because of decision fatigue.

        How do you find really great pieces? It seems one in every ten things I buy is a winner. How can I up that ratio?

        • Killer Kitten Heels

          You up the ratio by not buying or returning the 9 out of 10 non-winners.

          Also, if you’re going the intentional uniform route, it’s pretty easy – for example, my “work capsule” right now is 3 suits (all with matching pants/skirt or pants/dress), 2 pencil skirts, 1 pair of black pants, 1 casual-ish black blazer, 2 sheath dresses, and 5 cardigans. I basically found one great suit and bought it in three colors, 1 great pencil skirt and bought it in two colors, etc. It’s going to feel weird at first to buy this way if you’re used to having a giant and varied closet at your disposal, but it’s great once you’ve done it. Also, I get dressed in five minutes every morning, get some version of “nice outfit” from a coworker at least once a week, and no longer find myself fussing with clothes that were almost-right all day long, so I’m a big fan of the capsule/uniform/intentionally minimalist wardrobe right now.

          • Anonymous

            I love that, in theory.

            In reality, I find that I like to road-test things a lot. Then some things may need an alteration (taking in the waist is my big thing — I have big hips and often things don’t fit in the waist). The A+ stuff I know about right away (oops — then maybe it pills or you can’t find just the right jacket for it). The failing grade stuff gets returned or donated. It’s the in-betweens and slightly-worn-looking stuff that kills me.

            I just wear suits when I’m busy. I have a few and I love how I look in them and it just makes everything so much easier.

          • anon

            I deal with this by only keeping stuff that I just know is right and makes me feel awesome the first time I wear it.

          • Anonymous

            I think this works if you buy “outfits” and not pieces. Great pieces (dresses excepted, but sometimes they need a jacket) need outfits. Outfits are hard for me to figure out. And shoes. Sometimes you can’t get the shoes right or if your feet hurt and you need comfy shoes, outfits don’t look as good or the pants are hemmed all wrong.

          • Killer Kitten Heels

            If it doesn’t fit off the rack (or if I’m not 100% certain that it will fit correctly with an inexpensive alteration) I just plain don’t buy it. As for the stuff that wears out, when it’s worn I donate it (we have a huge chain of thrift stores called Savers near me, and they’re always looking for career-wear). I don’t have anything that I “can’t find the right jacket” for or similar, because if I don’t already know what I’m wearing the piece with, again, I don’t buy it.

            The thing is, once you create a really intentional wardrobe, a lot of the “problems” with in-between pieces go away. You don’t keep the slightly-too-tight-blazer just because you “need it” to go with that one skirt that doesn’t match anything else in your closet, because you just plain don’t have a skirt that doesn’t match anything else in your closet anymore with an intentional wardrobe. Also, yes, there’s a little initial trial and error on how things wear, but I’ve found that most of that issue resolves itself once you identify your go-to pieces/brands, because you weed out the stuff that wears poorly and just don’t buy from that store again.

    • Anonymous

      That actually sounds awesome, but…when I feel like all I’m wearing is my go-tos, I will buy one or two items that matches with all of those go-tos and it seems to really revive my wardrobe! For example, I felt like I was in a rut with my favourite suit (with dress and skirt) so I bought one new fun blazer that could pair with the skirt and dress (a tweed) and a printed pencil to wear with the jacket. Yes, its buying new things, but not new things that are so different you stop wearing the old. Sounds like a new top and a new blazer could breathe some life into those pencil skirts for you.

    • Anonymous

      I actually find this a hard time of year to dress for. Too warm to wear tights with my skirts, but my legs are too pale/cold without them. Don’t want to wear my summer stuff yet but I’m so over my winter stuff.

      • Anonymous

        I find it hard because it’s freezing in the morning, then hot in the afternoon when I leave work- it was literally 0C this morning when I walked out my door, and this afternoon will be 25C- how do I dress for that??

        • Clementine

          I deal with this by wearing leg warmers with my skirts or dresses. I also keep a pair in my desk to put on when my office is freezing.

          Alternately, this is why I love lightweight wool. It breathes well, but still keeps you warm.

      • Lyssa

        I’m definitely still wearing tights (at least until this current cold spell ends). It might not be “right” for the season, but I’m much more comfortable.

      • Anonymous

        It was 36 degrees when I left the house this morning, so I am wearing tights. I go by the weather, not the season. I find temps of 60ish hard to dress for, however, because tights feel kind of weird when it’s that warm but I’m cold-blooded and am really not comfortable bare-legged unless it’s closer to 70.

      • Aunt Jamesina

        Yes, and dark colors and materials look off at this time of year, but it’s not warm enough for my more springy items.

      • Anonymous

        Yes, definitely. I’m DYING to start wearing my cute spring/summer shoes but it’s currently snowing here…all the women I see around my office building are still wearing boots.

    • lawsuited

      Largely due to my tiny amount of closet space, I do a capsule wardrobe each season, so feeling like I don’t know how to dress in the clothes I have in my capsule any more is usually the sign that I need to put together my next capsule!

      But I feel you on the season change. I often revert to wearing all black plus a large necklace or large scarf.

    • Anonymous

      I break out dresses (with sleeves, because picking out a blazer/cardigan is too overwhelming) when I feel like this. Eventually my fatigue at wearing the same 5 dresses will overcome my decision fatigue at putting together outfits.

  5. Konmari advice?

    I’m taking advantage of a solo weekend to Konmari my closet tomorrow. Any words of wisdom? Anything you’ve found super useful? What did you do with clothes that are slightly too big/small?

    I’ve read the book and really applied the principles to new purchases but have found that the facebook groups tend to be oriented towards stay-at-home-moms with houses full to the brim.

    • Anon

      I think if you haven’t worn it in a year, get rid of it. If you LOVE something and it’s slightly too big, get it tailored. If you don’t love it enough, get rid of it. I’m impressed – I need to get around to this pretty soon.

      • Konmari advice?

        I’m looking forward to it. Started with my undies and bras and found it quite satisfying.

    • Alana

      Being honest with yourself helps. Does your weight fluctuate? Is there a reason to keep clothes that might have fit in the past or in the future, but not now? It seems that a big part of Konmari is acceptance of your present self. It helps to breathe, too.

      Best wishes!

      • lawsuited

        +1 If your weight fluctuates, then I recommend keeping 2 clear storage bins for the clothing that you love and makes sense for your life and will reach for when you go up a size or down a size respectively. If your weight actually hasn’t changed in 2 years, then just let go of the clothes that are too big or too small. If they are too big but gorgeous, have them tailored to fit you now (this can often be done while preserving seam allowance in case they need to be let out again). If they are too small, give them to a friend who would look great in them.

    • Anonymous

      If there is something you aren’t sure about getting rid of, put it in a garbage bag in the garage or some other low-visibility location for a month or so. Then go through the bag. Odds are, you will realize that none of this stuff sparks joy and you are ready to donate it.

      Following KonMari’s recommendation to take everything out of the closet and then put back the items you want to keep, instead of just going through your closet and pulling out the pieces you’re going to discard, will make it easier to let go of the things that don’t quite fit. It’s harder to actively put a not-perfect item back than it is to leave it hanging there. If you really love something that doesn’t fit, take it to the tailor.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      I think it helps to have a baseline list of “items I need for my wardrobe to be sufficient” on hand. I did this recently – I made a list of the bare minimum of clothing that I needed to keep myself sufficiently dressed at all times and in all seasons, then pulled everything out of my drawers and closets and piled it on my bed/the floor. Using the list, I went through the pile and put back into the closet/dresser anything that (1) was on the list and (2) met the KonMari “spark joy” requirement. Once that was done, I went through the remaining stuff and basically pulled out only those pieces that I absolutely couldn’t bear to part with and put them back into the closet/dresser as well. Everything else, I packed up and put away in the attic – my plan is to give the minimalist wardrobe a year (to cover all the seasons), and if I haven’t gone into the attic to find or retrieve anything in that time, I’ll pack it up and give it all away.

    • Bonnie

      Try everything on. I tossed anything that was too big because I know that I will never get around to getting it tailored. I am trying to lose weight so let myself keep one small box of items that are too small and got rid of the rest. I still have a lot of stuff but it is wonderful to be able to see what I have and know that it all fits. I didn’t follow her advice on order and tackled my closet first. Going after the shoes this weekend.

    • Melissa

      It’s so worth it. I took a Saturday and went through alllll my clothes (including some that were in boxes) and dumped everything on my bed (except my suits). I went through the order she recommended. I didn’t try anything on, I just held up each piece of clothing and made an instant decision. I ended up getting rid of almost all of my tank tops (as I’ve gotten older I prefer my v-neck t shirts) and all the work tops I hung onto just in case I hadn’t done laundry and needed something to wear. All in all, I think I eliminated at least 60% of my closet and I feel so much better. Choosing what to wear is a million times easier and I’m much happier with my outfits. I haven’t worked up the energy to do anything other than clothes and shoes, but it was a very liberating experience and it did change how I shop and take care of my things. I haven’t missed a single thing I recycled or donated. Good luck!

      • Anonymous

        this is a serious part of my closet:

        stuff in case I hadn’t done laundry and needed something to wear

    • Anon

      I have always cleaned out my closet a couple
      of times per year, when I switch seasons. It would be ideal to have all seasons clothing at one tkme but old house, small closets. I have a single 6′ closet rod. Rubbermaid underbed boxes are my friends.

      The Konmarie thing that helped me was the folding technique. I don’t have hanging space for knit shirts and pullover sweaters so they’re in drawers, but if they’re stacked I don’t really see what I have and tend to wear the top 1 or 2 items only. Having everything visible really helps.

      I don’t do the “thanks for your service” ceremony but I do my own thing when I’m done. I look at the pile of stuff going to Goodwill and ask myself what went wrong. Some of it is old and worn and I have no regrets but some of it is barely worn. I have found that those are mostly deep discount/ outlet items that are impulse buys or “I can’t believe this is such a good deal” buys.

      Since my last pruning session I have avoided the Nordstrom Rack and outlet malls, and have unsubscribed from flash sale and other sale notifications. That seems to have helped.

    • Baconpancakes

      I Konmari’d, being honest about whether a thing made me feel good and looked nice on me, and I got rid of a lot, but I did keep a lot of the clothes I don’t want to wear RIGHT NOW, but do like and would probably want to purchase again later. I’m way too seasonal of a dresser to get rid of the things I don’t want to wear right this very second – eg I love wearing pink in the spring but I would almost never wear pink the rest of the year, and since I konmari’d in the summer, I wouldn’t have gotten the joy of pulling out my pink flowered wrap dress and pink jersey blazer (last year’s version of the one featured here from H&M, actually).

      I find Polyvore great for keep control of my wardrobe. I make outfits with pieces, then when I’ve made the outfits I’m excited about, everything else goes into storage. Because I have all the clothing pieces I’ve previously used saved on my account, it’s easy to remember what I have and mix and match new outfits in the next season.

    • Stephanie

      I’ve broken up with a lot of my stuff lately. I ordered a ThredUp bag and just shipped a bunch of stuff out this morning. I REALLY debated about the cute red jacket I’ve barely worn. Sure it itches like a $&@@, but what if I tried (yet) another shirt underneath? I decided to rip off the bandaid. It went in the bag and is enroute to ThredUpland.

  6. Mom thinks my husband is cheating

    I just got back from a 10 day business trip and when I spoke to my mom earlier in the week, she told me she had a dream while I was gone she went to my house and walked in on DH and some woman playing chess together. She told me to check all my jewelry and rewind the surveillance tapes to see who came in and out. Especially since DH didn’t answer her phone call or go over to have dinner with her while I was away. I told her she’s too much and that he’s not obligated to spend all his free time with the in laws just because I’m not here. He has his own friends and maybe he just wants to relax at home. And she went on about oh how she never has dreams like that etc. and I should just be careful.

    I have a great relationship with my husband and we’ve been together for 9 years, married 2. My mom is still bitter about her divorce over 20 years ago and doesn’t believe in trusting any men. While I understand her concerns that things happen I just don’t see how she’s helping the situation. If anything, she’s implanting doubt into a relationship that was perfectly fine. Before I got married, she told me to see up a side account and transfer some money from the joint account in case I get divorced.

    TL;DR: mom thinks that my husband may be cheating because she had a dream. Do you ignore and set boundaries or do you take it as a real concern?

    • lost academic

      Uh. No, set some boundaries! I’d make it clear you don’t want to hear about this from her. She seems to be projecting hardcore.

      • Ellen

        Yay! Fruegel Friday’s! I love Fruegel Friday’s and felt compelled to respond directley to the OP! Just b/c your mother had a bad marrage does NOT mean that your husband is cheateing on you. If you do have surveliiance cameras, I am sure your husband would NOT have taken a woman past them to bring her inside to have sex. If he did, then he is dumb. But YOU know your husband and if you trust him, forget what your mom says. However, you should at least be observant–when you came back, did he jump all over you and was there a great amount of sex? If so, he had alot pent up in him that you served as his VESSEL for. You can be sure if that was the case that he was NOT cheateing on you for 10 days. If, however, his “tank” was on empty, and he was NOT comital about hopping into bed with you that there MIGHT be an issue. Of course, he could have been drinkeing with his freind’s, like Sheketovits did, and that could account for his inability to properly perform. There are alot of variables. You must go with your gut. I always look to the POSITIVE side. Until you find evidence of another woman (and there can be many signs), presume he is honorable to you. YAY!!!!

    • KT

      Set boundaries. That’s insane and ridiculous.

      (I don’t think a side account is a bad idea…I think that’s wise, but YMMV)

      • Anon

        I’ll second the side account. My mother was royally screwed in the initial stage of her divorce and I swore I’d never repeat the same issues. My lesson for most of my girlfriends is, sure it may be joint money legally, but if he can’t wipe out the account, you at least have something to fight with in an emergency.

        • Anon

          Never said it had to be secret. Just not a joint account. Reading secret into it – that’s your issue. Not mine.

      • meme

        So, secretly put joint money in an account your husband has no knowledge of? Uh, I’d consider it a major breach of trust if my husband or I did this. We agree we each have a separate account with some funds? Okay, no problem.

        • Anonymous

          Yeah. Secret account = terrible idea for the marriage. Agreeing to each maintain some separate property is a totally different story. But please don’t secretly transfer money! That’s a recipe for disaster!

        • KT

          Wait what? Where did the secret coming from? I would never recommend having a secret account! I do think you should have a separate account though–but you TALK about it.

      • lost academic

        We’ve got one of those doorbells that records video when there’s a ring or motion in the camera view. It is actually annoyingly sensitive to the street, tends to record even when it’s just a car passing by, but it’s kinda helpful. So yeah, we know who comes in and out and when they do. You could get around it, but you’d know someone tampered….

        • Anonymous

          OK — I was thinking of some other explanation (like making your building show you security footage or that maybe you live in a really dangerous neighborhood).

        • lifer

          Sorry for the tangent… but which doorbell did you get? Are you happy with it?

          I have been thinking about getting something like that for my elderly father.

          • lost academic

            We have the Ring. You do need to take it off and charge it periodically but I believe it’s very rare. It’s neat because you can answer the doorbell even if you’re not home and actually talk to people on its intercom. The video is pretty good! It’s not like a webcam you can just access whenever, though.

            Also, the ring part that goes inside – just one ringtone, not actually adjustable.

          • lifer

            Thanks for this info. Is that the one Costco sells? I almost grabbed that one.

            With regard to the ringtone… do you just mean that there isn’t a choice for alternative tones, or that it is just a single “buzz”, and you are sorry it isn’t adjustable because it is hard to hear and you’d want to turn it up etc…….

          • lost academic

            I don’t know if Costco sells it, we got it online.

            No, the ring is fine, we just didn’t realize it wasn’t fully customizable.

          • Bonnie

            We recently installed Ring and I love it. It takes some trial and error with adjusting the motion detector but I love knowing when packages and mail are delivered. BTW, it’s $20 cheaper through Amazon.

    • AnonAdvice

      Set boundaries.
      My mom called me last night and tried to tell me when we should plan our child’s c-section for. Um, no, mom. This is not how that is going to happen.

      • Anonymous

        My mom likes to tell me about her dreams where I lose 25 lbs! (And look so beautiful as a result!)

        Yea, set boundaries. A dream is not a premonition.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Um, what? No, no, no! Do not indulge bitter, boundary-less mom’s dream-based suspicions! That’s crazypants. Seriously. Crazypants.

      If this is her usual standard of behavior, I am exactly 0% surprised that your H was not exactly interested in spending his free time with her in your absence. Would he normally be spending his free time with her without you? It sounds like no. So what’s the issue? He didn’t do the thing he normally wouldn’t do anyway, so now your mom is having fantasies that he’s cheating on you, so now you need to check ten days’ worth of surveillance tapes? Please, please do not fall into the trap of appeasing your mother’s crazypants delusion. Just, no. All the no.

    • Snick

      FFS. Next time you talk to her, tell her you told hubby about her crazy dream and the two of you had a good life.

      • Anonymous

        Ha, tell her your husband had a dream that he had an over-bearing mother in law who needed to mind her own bizness.

        • Aunt Jamesina

          Or that YOU had a dream that she’s losing it and needs to get checked into a memory center ASAP.

  7. Killer Kitten Heels

    Slightly random question for the Hive this morning: Do people’s friends affect your opinions of the person? Example: say your sibling (or spouse, or good friend) is a generally cool person who you really like/love, but some or many of his/her friends are stuck in that late teens/early 20s “Ohmygosh everything is the BIGGEST CRISIS EVARRRRR” mode even though everyone involved is 30+ – does that impact your opinion of your sibling/spouse/friend?

    I have encountered this with two different people in my life who are close to me lately – I love and respect the person who is my “person,” but when I look at their friends, I feel like “what is s/he getting out of that? why is s/he friends with all of these desperate-for-attention drama llamas?” and it kind of makes me think a little bit less of my “person,” even though I feel like it’s wrong to let my opinion of my “person” be influenced by these other people (especially because the drama llamas aren’t necessarily bad people, they’re just stuck in what – to me – is a really juvenile pattern of behavior, one that my “person” does not engage in him- or herself, and one that I especially have no tolerance for because of my own personal history/experiences). What say you, Hive? Is it fair to let a person’s friends influence my opinion of them? Or should I just stick to the person’s personal merits and leave their choice of friends out of it?

    • anon

      Not really. There are so many different ways to find good in others. I would just assume that the other person had some great qualities that I don’t see, and my person values them for that despite their flaws.

      • anon

        There are some exceptions to this, however. One of DH’s relatives is a virulent and vocal racist. His wife is a lovely person, and I know she’s occasionally embarrassed by (and doesn’t really share) his opinions, but to me that says that she’s able to tolerate that kind of attitude in her everyday life. That’s not really a good thing to me. Flaws that make me think this way have to be pretty bad though. Drama doesn’t rise to that level.

      • Killer Kitten Heels

        This makes sense, and it’s the position I’m definitely trying to take. I think maybe I just need a break from discussing the drama llamas this week.

        • anon

          Well, my previous statement assumes that I’m not drawn into the drama in any way. If I had to hear about it constantly, I’d feel differently. I’m not sure I would judge, necessarily, I would just try to set some boundaries in the friendship.

    • Anonymous

      No? This honestly reads like you need a hobby. Are they friends with horrible racists? I’m concerned. Other than that get over yourself and mind you own business.

      • Killer Kitten Heels

        My friends are spending hours talking to me about the drama llamas, and/or being less present in our relationship because the drama llamas “need” them. I’m not sure how that’s *not* my business, but okay.

        (Side note, why do some of the Anonymouses around here get off on writing these pithy little nastygrams in response every time someone asks a personal advice question? Has giving advice in the most jerkish tone possible ever been a successful method of communication?)

        • anon

          Well there’s an additional condition in what you say above- it is impacting your friendships. How a friend behaves with you is part of their own merit or lack thereof.

        • Anonymous

          That’s a completely different issue! It has nothing to do with judging them for having needy friends. It’s about your relationship with them not being good. Newsflash. Someone spending hours talking to you about their dramalama friends is the chief lama.

          • Anonymous

            Idk, I’ve vented to my BFF about drama llama friends the same way I’ve vented to her about various BFs over the years. If my venting was getting to be too much for her, I hope she would (kindly) tell me instead of assuming I must be just as bad as they are.

        • Can't Don't Attitude

          Seriously, so many shrill see you next tuesdays that hide behind anonymous

    • Pretty Primadonna

      I do, and did particularly when I was dating and met romantic interests’ friends. I have found the cliche about birds of a feather flocking together to be mostly true.

    • Anonymous

      Not so much in platonic relationships, but to a degree with men, yes. People tend to (though not always) gravitate towards people with similar priorities, approaches to life etc. so sometimes it can be an indication of that person’s personality, but it’s not always straightforward. But I also think it depends on ‘why’. The example given about about someone being a horrible racist is a good one because it indicates their friend is comfortable with that to a degree.

      For example, if a guy hangs out with a group of guys who get wasted every Friday then compulsively cheat on their girlfriends, I couldn’t help but wonder if he has problems dealing with monogamy. Obviously I would want to make draw my own conclusions, and there are a hundred reasons why people are friends with the people they are friends with, but it may in some cases be one sign among many about what that person is like.

      • lawsuited

        +1 I don’t read anything into platonic friendships – I have lots of friends that aren’t really much like me now but we’re good friends because we’ve known each other since high school or we got each other through a really difficult time or whatever else, and I have the luxury of having as many friends as I want so they don’t all have to be like-minded.

        I do read a lot into who a person chooses to date/live with/marry, because for most of us it’s a one-shot thing and a far more impactful life choice that more closely reflects one’s values and goals for one’s own life.

      • Baconpancakes

        Yes, absolutely in romantic relationships. My ex’s friends were huge jerks to me, and because he didn’t want to rock the boat, my ex didn’t say anything to his friends until a year had gone by and I made a huge stink about it. Current SO’s jerky friend suddenly stopped being a jerk to me when current SO started expressing a romantic interest in me (we were friends before), and the rest of his friends think I’m the bee’s knees, and I think they’re pretty much all great people, so, yeah.

    • AnonAdvice

      I don’t think Anonymous at 9:41 is 100% right. If your friend’s friends are BAD for them, then yeah, I get concerned about my friend. Bad influences, bad choices, taking my friend down a more permanent path… I would still stick by my friend because of shared history or our current friendship and shared values, and also a feeling of responsibility to set a good example (but not an obligation to save that friend).

      But if the friends of friends are just annoying/immature and not my kind of people, then I try not to hang out with them too much.

      If my friend only wants to hang out with both friend crowds mixed when we’re obviously not compatible, it will affect my friendship. But you haven’t really indicated that.

    • Anonymous

      I wouldn’t think less of my friends for being friends with drama llamas, but I would think less of them for being friends with racists or cheaters or people who otherwise have terrible morals. I could see how the drama llama thing would be exhausting though. Can you just tell your friend you don’t want to hear about the drama and try to change the subject? If they insist on talking about the drama when you tell them you don’t want to hear it, I think that’s a problem with your friend and not with your friend’s friends, you know? Your friend should respect you enough to talk about something that you find interesting as well.

      • Killer Kitten Heels

        Makes sense – the conversation here is making me realize that I haven’t been setting great boundaries around the drama llama conversations (and also that I probably need to mute the drama llamas on social media, since their posts in my feeds are adding to the feeling of drama being ev.ery.where. right now).

    • lifer

      Yes, I have done this. But it did lead me to misjudge, so I try not to do it too much.

      A very good friend started dating a man at a very different stage of life/age. She was high powered successful lawyer in her early-30’s, he was an unemployed ski bum in his early 20’s, trying to figure out what to do with his life. They met on the subway, and became very serious very fast, and she essentially supported him. He was quite sweet, quiet and I never got to know him well. His friends were immature, rude, frat boys that used to hang out at my friends apartment with him when my friend wasn’t there. Once I stopped by to pick something up while the gang was there, and their comments about me while I stood at the door waiting… their teasing of the guy (“go to MOMMY!!!…..) and general immature rudeness was really something. I totally judged him. I do think your friends say a lot about you.

      Well, my friend is still with this guy 15 years later. She seems very happy. It is what it is.

      • Anonymous

        This goes back to judging someone on their own merits vs. judging them on their friends, though. Guy should’ve stuck up for you, told his friends to STFU, and apologized profusely for unintentionally subjecting you to their rudeness. It seems from your description that none of that happened. Which shows a real lack of integrity on his part, totally separate and apart from the fact that he was hanging out with these idiots.

    • NotaLlama

      I have friends who are drama llamas and I think they are a good complement to my personality. In my personal life, I am always thinking about consequences and, honestly, I can be a little boring because of this. For example, it’s hard for me to relax and enjoy spending an evening in a bar with friends because I’ll be preoccupied worrying about how I’ll get home and whether I’ll feel tired the next morning. The drama people are extremely good at living in the moment – one reason they have so much drama (in my opinion) is that they often don’t think of consequences. They’re good for me because I can get swept up with their enthusiasm for the moment and I’m good for them because I make sure we don’t get stranded by the side of the road at 3am.

      • Killer Kitten Heels

        This is so interesting, and absolutely makes sense to me, even though I don’t know that I would’ve thought of it this way on my own. Plus, I think it actually explains at least one of my people’s drama-llama relationships, so thanks for the insight!

  8. Anona

    Has anyone ever put elbow patches on a cashmere sweater? My sweater is still in good shape, but is becoming threadbare at the elbows. I’m unsure if the Dritz-type patches you can get at Joann and those types of stores would be an improvement, or if they’d look awful or be uncomfortable.

      • Anona

        They’re actually sew-ons, does that change the answer? Still cheap or is that what a tailor would use anyway if I took it in?

      • Anon

        Oh no, don’t do this. Cashmere is tricky to patch even with small holes using matching threads–patching with elbow patches…not a good look.

        I would say start looking for a replacement sweater :(

    • Anonymous

      No. No. No. NO. NO. If you are thinking about the iron-on patches.

      Do NOT use those on a sweater, much less a nice sweater you want to continue to wear. Honestly – I find most of the Dritz stuff to be a little…cheap. Fine when it’s pins that are going to get bent anyway, but an iron-on (vs. sewn-on) patch for a knit garment seems like a recipe for peeling edges down the road. I would talk to a tailor about the possibility of sewn patches, if you aren’t comfortable doing that yourself.

      Sorry – strong feelings.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      I used to work with someone who elbow-patched his favorite cashmere sweater, and he always took it to a tailor, who sewed nice suede patches on. (Side note, it looked great, so I’m generally pro-elbow-patch, just not pro-iron-on.)

    • lawsuited

      I have done this on two of my husband’s sweaters, but I took them to the tailor who sewed corduroy patches onto them.

      • Anonymous

        I would go corduroy over suede, myself, for wash-ability purposes. Putting leather on something that needs non-leather cleaning could be problematic.

        • Anona

          It seems like my best bet is to probably find a tailor who can add corduroy patches instead of attempting to do it myself. I did not think about washing it. Thanks all!

    • MJ

      The only time I’ve seen this be cute is when it’s a contrasting KNIT that’s sewn in a cute star shape. (So you make a patch out of another old cashmere sweater.) Otherwise, get thee to a French reweaver.

  9. Anonymous

    I PASSED THE BAR!!!!!!!! I felt sure that I failed (this is my second state and I was working at the time I took it, so I didn’t feel very prepared and I got unlucky with essay questions that hit the subjects I had really glossed over). I was absolutely dreading telling my employer and asking for time off to study again. I’m SO relieved and just had to share. Good luck to anyone else expecting Feb 2016 results soon!

  10. anon

    Does this dress look appropriate for a black-tie event? I was recently invited to one at the last minute by a friend who was given tickets by another friend who couldn’t go, and had to turn down the invite because I really had nothing to wear and no time to shop. I’d like to just pick up something to keep in my closet for unexpected events in the future, and figured a cocktail dress would be more versatile than a long dress. It’s pretty rare in my area that a cocktail dress wouldn’t work, but sometimes a basic lbd is just not dressy enough.

    Does anyone else try to keep a “black tie outfit” on hand for last minute invitations? It seems silly to buy something when you don’t have a specific event in mind, but I do like to be prepared. And this one is pretty inexpensive.

    http://www.amazon.com/Adrianna-Papell-Womens-Sleeve-Cocktail/dp/B014W4Q30A/ref=sr_1_9?s=apparel&ie=UTF8&qid=1460124366&sr=1-9&nodeID=11006703011&keywords=adrianna+papell+cocktail+dress&refinements=p_n_size_browse-vebin%3A2343349011

    • Anonymous

      Not really? This is a very pretty but very basic cocktail dress. I just use rent the runway for last minute black tie.

      • Anonymous

        Does RTR really work? I can never get dresses to fit without extensive tailoring and can’t imagine how I would be able to wear a rented dress. Especially a long gown–doesn’t nearly everyone need to have those hemmed?

        • Anonymous

          I think you really have to know what silhouettes are right for your body type and why. There are usually stylists notes on fit and input from people who have previously rented. I think you can online chat with someone if you have questions.

          I’ve had luck the 2 times I’ve used RTR, but I went for something that was fitted through the top and was cut more generously (by virtue of the style) through the hips, which I know can affect how dresses fit for me.

        • Not a RTR shill

          I’m not a shill for RTR, but I basically should be. If you’re Under 5’6″ and you don’t have 4″+ heels, you’re probably going to need to order a full-length dress that comes in short, lots do. Also, you can order hem tape with your order, just in case.

          You can get a backup size for free and a backup dress of a different style for $32.50. Also, if nothing fits, call them. They’ll send you something else for the cost of shipping & insurance.

        • Anonymous

          I’m 5’2″ and I’ve ordered from RTR with great success. In fact, in answer to OP’s question, I ordered a dress from RTR for a wedding and loved it so much that I bought it when it went on sale (for $30!). Now I keep it around just in case I have another black tie event. I actually wore it for NYE last year.

      • KT

        That’s a very basic cocktail address. Benefit or dinner party? Sure. Black tie? No go.

        I’m oddly shaped and big, and finding dresses is a pain in the butt, so I do keep a black tie dress in my closet for those rare occasions. That way I don’t have to frantically search and end up in a ghastly dress meant for a mother of the bride.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      The dress you linked to is nice, as LBDs go, but something about it is reading too casual to me for “black tie” – I think it’s the cut, maybe? I’m not sure exactly, but regardless, it doesn’t feel black tie enough to me to make it a closet staple.

      FWIW, I actually do keep one long dress in my closet for “surprise black tie!” events, and I’ve actually gotten an ok amount of use out of it considering that I found it on the sale rack at Macy’s for less than $100. (I’ve also worn it to a couple of Saturday night weddings that weren’t black tie, but were definitely fancy enough to make a long dress look appropriate.)

      The dress I have isn’t sold anymore, but this one (in black) is a fairly close doppelganger: http://www1.macys.com/shop/product/adrianna-by-adrianna-papell-chiffon-draped-sleeveless-gown?ID=2666622&CategoryID=5449&selectedSize=#fn=SPECIAL_OCCASIONS%3DFormal%26sp%3D1%26spc%3D505%26ruleId%3D77|BS|BA%26slotId%3D2

    • anon

      Many years ago, I went out and bought a long evening gown for the same reason. It hung in my closet unworn for a decade.

      That said, I don’t think this dress would meet the same fate because it is short and not overly shiny. I would wear this to the theatre, the symphony, or the ballet, even in my city where some people show up in such places in jeans. It also looks like a good company party dress. If you anticipate going to any such event in the next two or three years, then you are practically guaranteed to wear it at least once. It’s cute and versatile and reasonably priced. I would go for it!

      • anon

        Okay, now that I read the two replies that were posted while I was writing, I realize that the reason I think this dress is versatile is that it’s on the less formal side. I do agree that it’s not quite black tie material. So yes, buy it as a LBD, but don’t count on it for black tie.

    • Anona

      I think it depend on the event, to be honest. For some “black tie” events, everyone wears a cocktail dress. For others, it’s mainly long dresses. Is there a high chance that you’ll be invited to more last-second black tie affairs? With only a couple days notice you could order something with prime shipping, get something off RTR, or hit the mall, so I probably wouldn’t bother unless you see it happening again with less time than that.

    • lifer

      Yes, I do keep a black sleeveless dress in my closet specifically for these occasions. Rent the Runway is too scary for me, as my extreme pear shape makes finding dresses rough. So I keep a good, basic dress at hand at all times (that is well tailored) and usually wear blingy jewelry and shoes.

      But if I have something important coming up that I want to get something special for, I might make a special purchase. That rarely happens.

      • Mindy

        I keep a long black dress for “black tie” events. It’s perfect for the last minute events, which have increasingly become more common.

    • RuPaul's Girlfriend

      “If you’re going to go for sequins, giiiirrrrrrllll, go for SEQUINS!” – said by my imaginary Drag Queen friend who helps me dress for these events.

    • AZCPA

      I bought a full length gown on clearance (the White House Black Market “Genius” dress) and while I’ve only worn it a couple of times, I’m so glad I bought it – both times were surprise black tie. I love this specific dress because you can change how you wear the straps, so if can feel like a different dress each time.

      Currently, they have a bunch of colors in lucky sizes down to $59, or you can by black not on sale in all sizes. And “all sizes” goes from 00 to 16 which is a pretty nice range, especially for a dress that is super forgiving and comfy.

    • Also in Academia

      It is K-12 Spring Break where I am – lots of people have been taking a couple of days off for family trips, etc.

  12. neckline questions

    So I have two sleeveless, a-line dresses with very high necklines (boatneck and crew, respectively). I picked them up because they were good neutrals that checked all of the right boxes (flattering to my pear shape, don’t have to worry about gaping up top), but I never wear them because I can’t figure out what cut of jacket or cardigan would look right with a neckline that high and not just lose the lose the shape of the dress. (If it were a sheath dress, I’d probably go for a waterfall cardigan, but I think that starts looking sloppy with a-lines). Any thoughts or recommendations? Thanks!

    • Clementine

      Shorter fitted v-neck cardigan? A friend of mine gets cardigans she plans on wearing open in a size smaller so they don’t add extra bulk to her outfit.

  13. Anonymous

    Bad styling aside, I can vouch for H&M blazers. They’re super affordable, cute, and have held up as well as blazers that are three-five times as expensive.

    • Senior Attorney

      I agree. I have a red one from three summers ago that is still going strong!

    • neckline questions

      That seems like a good option. I keep trying these on with my blazers but they never look right, I think maybe because of length. The shrunken option might be the answer. Thanks!

      • Anona

        They have a similar but longer one that has weird slits in the seams on the sides. I didn’t realize that when I bought it, or I would have avoided it, but when I tried it on with my dresses it was very flattering and I ended up keeping it. It might be worth trying on if you prefer a non-cropped look.

  15. Anon

    Help! I’m having dinner tonight at a restaurant whose dress code is “relaxed festive.” What does that even mean?? What would you wear? (It’s a brand new restaurant, so I can’t ask people that have been before.)

    • Anonymous

      I have no idea what that means, but I would let the restaurant’s price point and region of the country guide me. In California, people wear jeans to four star restaurants unless the restaurant explicitly says a jacket and tie is required. If you’re in NYC and it’s $$$$ you should probably dress up.

      • Anon

        It’s a prix fixe tasting menu in DC (Pineapple and Pearls, the sister restaurant to Rose’s Luxury, for any DC foodies out there).

        • ALX emily

          Ooh I’m going for my birthday in 2.5 weeks so please report back! And yeah, based on the vibe of Rose’s Luxury anyway (and the fact that it’s DC) I’d wear whatever you feel comfortable with. I’m planning to wear a festive-ish dress from the RTR “daytime” category but I’m going at 6 on a Wednesday (and had a free dress rental for my birthday) so maybe would be a little fancier later/on Friday.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      WTH. I am so over made-up dress codes. If you can’t describe what you want your guests to wear using existing, universally-recognized dress codes, you are being too specific and should stop micromanaging your guests. Life is not a Pinterest photo shoot!

      • Anon

        Agree! To be fair, they also said that while their dress code is relaxed festive, they don’t really have a dress code. So I think they mean they’re not going to turn you away based on your clothing.

      • Aunt Jamesina

        BUT I WANT ALL OF MY WEDDING GUESTS TO WEAR RESORT GARDEN PARTY CHIC. WHAT ABOUT MY PICTURES?!!!

    • Idea

      That’s not a thing. It’s just a new restaurant trying to make it a thing.
      Restaurant, stop trying to make “fetch” happen!
      Just wear what you want. You’ll be fine.

    • Clementine

      Wait, seriously? I’m willing to deal with the normal classifications and even the slightly tangential ones (e.g,, Dressy Business Casual, Resort/Beach SemiFormal, Afternoon Garden Cocktail, etc.), but WHEN WILL IT END.

      I thought Festive meant ‘holiday attire’, but they clearly aren’t expecting you to bust out in a red and green Christmas outfit.

      When in doubt, wrap dress with nude heels. Bring two pairs of earrings or two necklaces- one fancy, one casual.

      And seriously, I’m going to start a petition to stop people from requiring ‘Eco-Friendly Peasant Cocktail’ or ‘French Revolution Casual’ or whatever nonsense they can come up with.

      • Lilly

        “Eco-friendly Peasant Cocktail” – love it! I feel like some of my beloved Eileen Fisher non-work wardrobe probably fits this though.

      • Anonymous

        I would love to go to a restaurant with the dress code “French Revolution Casual”!!!

    • lawsuited

      I’m pretty sure “Relaxed Festive” means “wear whatever you want because there is no possible way for us to police this made-up dress code”.

      • Anonymous

        It means don’t wear your dark suit (men) or boring LBD (women). Bright colors, white, in flowy fabrics. Non-club attire.

        • lawsuited

          I just don’t get it. How does “Relaxed Festive” mean white flowy fabrics? If I saw this on a party invitation in December I might guess that it meant a casual outfit with some element of Rudolph or jingle bells, but in April? I just don’t know. Whatever algorithm is used for determining such things needs to be made much more widely available!

    • Anonymama

      I can’t get mad about this, it’s obviously more about the vibe they’re trying to project, and not like they’re going to kick you out if you’re not festive enough. Casual: jeans are fine; festive: we’d rather you didn’t wear your workout gear/we hope you look cute so we can get a reputation for being where the cool people hang out. Adjust for city/price point.

  16. handbag death

    Is there any way to give life to a handbag? I made the mistake of carrying a gray leather Michael Kors bag every single day for two years and the leather is definitely worn. Can this be fixed or should I just be happy that I loved it and got my money’s worth?

    • Aunt Jamesina

      You can condition the leather and take it to a cleaners that specializes in leather cleaning, but you can’t ever bring it back to new. Cleaning has really brightened up a few of my lighter bags, so it could be worth a shot.

    • Lilly

      I am a big fan of Coach’s leather conditioner for handbags, belts, shoes, car seats, etc. It should restore anything short of dry rot in my experience.

      • Anonymous

        In my experience, the Coach leather conditioner is more effective at preventing wear than repairing it, but it’s worth a shot.

    • lifer

      Tie a beautiful scarf around the handle where it hits the bag, with a pop of color that complements the bag. Hello spring!

    • KinCA

      Take it to a shoe/handbag leather repair place. If you bought it at Nordstrom, they will send it out to their designer handbag repair place and you can pick it up/drop it off instore. My husband bought me a very expensive Marc Jacobs bag for Christmas one year and I’ve worn it pretty regularly for 3-4 years. About 2.5 years in, it was looking rather beat up, so I dropped it off for repairs at Nordstrom. I was somewhat skeptical as to how much they could actually fix, but I basically got a whole new handbag back. It took 4-6 weeks and cost roughly $200, but compared to the overall cost of the bag, it was worth it.

  17. Runner 5

    Just unwrapped the dress I ordered for graduation and wanted to report back as it’s a unicorn which fits a lot of the search terms people talk about on here: the Boden Maggie Ottoman dress. I got the black/white stripe. The fabric is stretchy and comfortable but not too stretchy. It’s lined everywhere except the sleeves – and the lining is black and also stretchy (I hate stretchy dresses with tight woven linings!). The skirt is nicely a line but not too full (and the good quality fabric and lining mean that it doesn’t show every lump and bump underneath).
    I’m a UK 14-18, measurements about 41-34-47 last time I checked and I’m in a UK 16R which is comfortably roomy up top. Got the regular length which comes about an inch and a half above my knee (my favourite length – I almost exclusively wear flats); I’m 5 8 with a 32in inside leg.

    • Anonymous

      I had really high hopes for this dress, but it didn’t work on me (5-4, 125#, pear-shaped, ordered a US 4). The fabric seemed to emphasize my tummy (I routinely look pregnant in Boden and thought that this dress might be a better shape for me). I had ordered it in black.

      THIS dress, OTOH, was perfect on me in a size M (it’s more of a twill than a ponte and I usually hate drop-waists, but this one is seamed in a way that makes it less dropped-waist and more fit & (small) flare):

      http://www.uniqlo.com/us/product/women-ponte-flare-dress-168547.html#15~/women/dresses-and-skirts/dresses/short-sleeve/~

      Nothing like having options on Unicorn Dresses. :)

      • Runner 5

        That’s interesting – usually I’m very self conscious about my tummy. I’ve tried a lot of other similar dresses from other shops which I’ve felt a lot less good in.

  18. Anonymous

    I’m new and junior at my company, and my boss was kind enough to allow me to work remotely for 2.5 weeks while I spent the last days with a dying relative and attended the funeral.

    This was such a gift. My family desperately needed me (I didn’t know how much until I arrived). How do I thank my boss? This was so important in my life. I told her thanks over email and in person before I left, but that seems insufficient. I don’t want to be silly and overly emotional about this, though – we have a BIG telework culture and we’re in a super slow period right now, so it wasn’t a hardship to the team in any way. I’ll be back in the office Monday and don’t know if there’s anything I should do or say. Baked goods? She and I have bonded a bit over baking.

    • meme

      I think a handwritten note and baked goods would be nice. Cue the NGDGTCO readers.

      • Anonymous

        I don’t subscribe to NGDGTCO and I don’t think bringing baked goods to the office is necessarily terrible, but I wouldn’t give your boss baked goods in this situation. Just a handwritten note and as Anon at 11:20 said, keep doing good work.

        • Aunt Jamesina

          I agree. I would feel also feel bad that a grieving employee spent some of their time making food for me. A gracious email or note is more than enough.

        • Clementine

          I think it’s Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office, a book on how to succeed in a patriarchal/man-centric world.

          I would prefer it to be Never Gonna Decline the Glorious Cookie Offerings

    • cbackson

      No baked goods. I’d just tell her what you’ve said here – that you’re deeply grateful for her support and that of the company, and that this turned out to be immensely important (more so than you knew). That’s the right way to handle it in the professional context (and it’s what will mean the most).

      • lawsuited

        +1 When you’re back in the office, I’d stop by and tell her that it meant so much to your family that you were be able to be home, that your time with you relative was special, and that you’re grateful to her for her part in making that possible. Seeing the gratitude on your face will have a big impact on her, without feeling over-the-top like a card or basket of mini muffins.

    • Anona

      Why do you need effusive thanks if you have a big telework culture at your office? It seems like you made an easy, reasonable request and she agreed because there was literally no reason not to. It’s great that your boss was understanding, but it doesn’t seem like she went above and beyond – acting reasonably and letting you work from home when a million other employees do it already is not a special gift! You’ve expressed your thanks already, maybe say it in person when you return but don’t dwell on it.

    • lawsuited

      Despite living in an apartment, I recommend getting a stand-up steamer for ease of use. I just keep the Conair stand-up steamer I got for $50 or so in the corner and it’s pretty unobtrusive, but very easy to just hit the switch and start steaming in the morning.

    • Melissa

      I have a handheld one that I love. Jiffy ESteam. I’ve been using it for years.

    • Anonymous

      I have a Conair handheld steamer. It’s pretty good – I still need to get out the real iron for button-down shirts, but it works well for taking the wrinkles out of tops.

  20. anon for this

    Relationship/marriage threadjack/vent

    I’ve suspected for some time that my husband has been having an emotional affair with a close friend of ours, someone we knew from college. On Wednesday night, he accidentally sent me an email that was meant for her, and it confirmed it. When I said “did you meant for that email to go to me?” he blanched and said “could you delete it?”. I did, but I couldn’t un-see what I had seen.

    On Thursday morning, I called in sick to work . I already deal with significant anxiety issues, and I was on the verge of a major anxiety attack. I told him that I’d been awake a good portion of the night, wondering if her recent visit to us had taken their relationship into the physical realm. He hedged, so I still don’t know. He said that he’s been thinking for a long time that he’s not happy about where he is in his life, both with his job and with our marriage, and that I deserve better than he gives me. I told him I’ve always thought he has sold himself short on what he is capable of, and that yes, I do deserve better. However, a number of years ago, I made a conscious decision that I want to be married to him, and I do want to be married to him.

    He claimed that he’s been having the conversations in his own mind for a while about all of this. I told him that we’ve proven repeatedly that we can’t fix this on our own, and we need someone to help us step out of the well-worn grooves we made for ourselves. He is really reluctant to go to a marriage counselor, for reasons that he can’t articulate beyond “I have a problem with counselors”, but I don’t see any way we’re going to deal with this without one. I told him that I can’t wait forever for him to figure out how to make a change.

    I am hurt and angry. I’m angry with him for deceiving me. I’m angry with our friend for disrespecting me and her husband. I’m almost physically sick with the anxiety that this is provoking, and my medications aren’t working. I can’t talk to any of our friends about it, as almost all of them are people he works with, and I won’t risk his professional standing over it. The only one that isn’t is pretty much the person he’s been involved with.

    A long time ago, she called me the most patient person in the world. I’m out of patience. I can’t spend the rest of my life on the verge of an anxiety attack waiting for him to decide who he wants to be.

    • Anonymous

      I am so sorry. I don’t have any real advice, but I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. For me, the refusal to go to counseling or work on the marriage would be a harder hurdle to overcome than the emotional and possibly physical affair.

    • anon

      Your husband cheated on you (with a friend of yours! the worst of the worst) and won’t go to counseling. He should be begging YOU to go to counseling to save the marriage. You can’t save a marriage if the other person doesn’t give a f**k. DTMFA.

      • anon

        some (“liberated”) people may disagree, but your husband should never, ever be writing or saying anything to a female friend/co-worker/acquaintance that he wouldn’t want you to see or hear. Ever.

      • Anonymous

        Yes, this. Ask your therapist for help in unpacking why you made a conscious decision to be in a relationship where you know you deserve better. He cheated on you and won’t even pay lip service to fixing it. Tell him to move out, immediately, at least for the weekend. Do you really have no friends other than his coworker’s? See if you can call anyone, any old friend or sibling or cousin.

    • Senior Attorney

      I am so sorry this is happening!

      I was struck by “I do deserve better [but] a number of years ago, I made a conscious decision that I want to be married to him.” That was me for a long, long time. My husband was pretty awful but I liked being married and I liked a lot of things in our life and I decided that goshdurn it, I was going to stick it out and make it work. Well, i did that for years and years until I just couldn’t any more.

      Leaving was awful. I woke up every morning literally not knowing where I was, and in tears, for weeks and weeks. The divorce dragged on and it was awful.

      And then things started to get better. The divorce finally finished, I got myself a new house, I found myself a lot of wonderful new friends, and I met a lovely, lovely man who treats me like a queen and three weeks ago we got engaged. I keep pinching myself because I can’t believe I get to live this life. I am so happy I had the courage to leave and didn’t settle for somebody who couldn’t/wouldn’t/didn’t give me what I deserved.

      You can’t make somebody change if they don’t want to. But miracles can happen if you have the courage to change your own situation.

      Hugs to you. I know how hard this is!!

    • brokentoe

      So sorry that this is happening in your life. Even if your husband won’t go to counseling, it might be helpful for you to find an objective person to talk to to figure out your next steps. Hugs.

      • Senior Attorney

        Yes, for sure. Individual therapy really helped me turn things around! And FWIW, I found couples counseling spectacularly unhelpful because my husband blamed me for everything and wouldn’t really participate in the process.

        • Jules

          + 1; I’ve been in counseling with a spouse (not a cheater, but with a lot of issues) who didn’t want to be there and it was not helpful.

          I’m sorry you’re going through this and that, frankly, your H is being a doosh. Get with your own therapist to sort out how you feel and to decide if an ultimatum to him (no more contact with the other woman and some joint counseling or you’re gone) makes sense or whether it is better – for YOU – to end it now. This will be painful and difficult, but you will get through it. Hugs to you for now.

    • Anon in NYC

      I’m so so sorry that this is happening. Can you call your therapist for an emergency visit and/or an adjustment to your medication for the immediate term? Hugs.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Emotional affair (with a mutual friend! so much worse than “random lady at his office that you never have to see or interact with again”!) + won’t go to counseling because, ummm, just won’t + “doesn’t know who he wants to be” = proceed directly to a lawyer, do not pass go, do not collect $200.

      This guy sounds very caught up in his own mythology around being Mr. Sad and Lost and Emotionally Complicated (TM), and not at all interested in figuring out how to be a good partner to you. You deserve SO. MUCH. BETTER. than some jack@$$ who has romanticized his own inability to live like a grownup and either commit to the life he’s already built or leave it and start over. He wants the security of the life you’ve built together, without doing any of the work to maintain it (and while basically spitting in your face by having an emotional affair with a friend you’ve known since college!). I’m so sorry this is happening to you, but you are 100% right to be out of patience – this guy has done nothing at all to deserve your patience, and you DO NOT DESERVE what he’s done to you and your relationship. Please take care of yourself, and don’t let this emotionally unavailable, ineffectual man-child take up any more space in your life.

      • cbackson

        Yeah. OP, I hate saying this, but based on this account, my guess is that he doesn’t want to go to counseling because he doesn’t really want to save the marriage. I’m not seeing anything in what you’re describing that suggests to me that he’s on the same page with you. The “you deserve better than me” is textbook.

        • Senior Attorney

          Definitely. “You deserve better than me” really means “I deserve better than you.”

      • JJ

        I agree to all of this completely. I’m so angry for you that you are in this situation. This doesn’t sound like something worth saving.

    • MDMom

      I’m so sorry. This would cause anxiety even for someone without pre-existing anxiety issues. For what it’s worth, I think you should go ahead and identify a marriage counselor and make the appointment. Tell him when it is. Ball is in his court. Do you already have a therapist for your anxiety who you could speak with? If not, maybe you could kill 2 birds with one stone and locate an individual counselor for yourself as well (I think some will do both individual and marriage, so you can do that in one shot, but maybe a risk that husband will be even less receptive if he views therapist as aligned with you). In any event, especially given the social situation you describe, it’s really important that you have someone you can speak freely to about this situation.

      • cbackson

        You should never see a therapist for marriage counseling that is also the individual therapist for one person in the couple. Most therapists won’t even do it, actually.

    • SuziStockbroker

      I would suggest the only way to save the marriage (if you even want to after having thought this through) is actually INDIVIDUAL therapy for each of you.

      There is a reason he is doing this, which likely has nothing to do with you, or the marriage. It is filling some void (perhaps from childhood). HE needs to figure out what that is, and why he would choose to use this action to try to fill it.

      And you need therapy to get your head on straight about what is best for you going forward.

      Good luck, and I am so sorry this is happening.

      • Idea

        I agree but it sounds like he doesn’t want to do that, so skip that part, do it for yourself, and hopefully arrive at the conclusion where you choose your best life, whatever that means to you.

        You don’t mention kids? That sounds like it could be a good/easy thing at this point…

    • Anonymous

      I am so sorry this is happening. Big hugs. If you post your city, someone will buy you a drink — hopefully you’re in NYC so I can! (And yes, agree 100% with all other commenters who are pointing out that your marriage is likely over, and I’m so sorry about that.)

      • Jules

        +1. You say you don’t have anyone you talk to about this, but you’ve got all of us. I can buy you a drink pretty much anywhere in the southern 2/3 of Ohio and N. Kentucky. Let us know where you are.

      • anon for this OP

        Smallish town in Kansas, but I appreciate the offer!

        No kids, married for almost 23 years. The commitment I made to stay in the marriage was almost 15 years ago after he cheated once before, with someone he admits he treated very badly when I said I was willing to stay & give it a shot. We have a house and a very spoiled cat who would be the only thing we would really fight over in a divorce.

        There is one counseling center in town that isn’t either strictly drug & alcohol abuse or religiously based. We’re both a-religious so finding someone whose practice isn’t grounded in religion is critical. Hopefully, I can get in to see one of the therapists or counseling center pretty quickly.

        • Jules

          Post again in the afternoon thread, you might be surprised to find a ‘r*tte close by. And 23 years is a long time, I know — my marriage ended last year after more than 25 years — but you can deal with the house and the cat, I promise. Regarding counselors, also check the listings in Psychology Today; you might find someone who’s not associated with one of the centers.

          My parents divorced after about 21 years — my father has now been married for more than 35 years to the woman he was having an affair with :/ — and my mother told me recently that when they first split up a neighbor asked if she was happy. She told him, “I may not be happy but I’m a lot less unhappy.” Trust me, soon you will be a lot less unhappy.

          • Senior Attorney

            You will soon be a lot less unhappy and eventually you will be happy. Really. Do it.

        • Killer Kitten Heels

          Ok, with this additional information (23 years of this, he cheated once before that you know of), I have to say, while I think seeking out individual counseling for yourself will be an important step for you, I don’t know that it’s particularly good for you, emotionally, to stay with him at this point. I mean, you’ve been married 23 years – even if I’m generous and assume you got married at, say, 20, your H is AT LEAST in his 40s, and he’s still moping around whining about “not knowing who he is”? Nope. All the nope.

          If I could drive to Kansas and face-punch this dude for you I would. And then I’d buy you the biggest, most alcoholic, most delicious drink I could find. And also new shoes with which to walk on out of this guy’s life. He’s right about exactly one thing – you deserve SO MUCH BETTER than what he’s able to give.

          • Anon

            Don’t forget to hire a mariachi band to play while she wears her new shoes and walks on out of this guy’s life. Mariachi band = critical component.

          • Jules

            You dance out, in fabulous new shoes, to the sound of a mariachi band – and you take the cat with you.

          • Senior Attorney

            I was thinking New Orleans jazz band, but yes. This.

            Dance out, girlfriend!

    • Anonymous

      Do you have children? If not… I went through something very similar to this after being married for 5 years. When I confronted him about the emotional affair (that I’d found out had recently turned physical), he was unsure about what he wanted next (i.e., his immediate reaction wasn’t “I’m so sorry, how do I fix this”). I spent about a week unable to sleep or eat from anxiety. I finally came to the conclusion that I was better off alone than being married to someone who couldn’t or wouldn’t make up their mind to choose me. I also realized that the scenario was the natural outgrowth of him being unhappy with his life, but he couldn’t or wouldn’t figure out how to address his unhappiness, and ended up involved with another woman because it made him feel better about himself. In other words, it was a problem that I couldn’t fix.

      The end of the story is that we’ve been divorced for 6 years, I spent some time alone figuring out what kind of life I wanted to create for myself, and then I met someone new, remarried a year ago, and have been so so much happier than I ever was before the divorce. Interestingly, my ex-husband has hugely matured since the divorce, has finally learned how to take responsibility for managing his own emotions, and is much happier as a result. We still occasionally keep in touch and it’s very clear to me that all the changes he made never would have happened if we’d stayed together. In contrast, my now-husband is very good at identifying things in his life that he is unhappy with and addressing them directly rather than letting it affect our relationship.

      As a side note, the woman my ex-husband was involved with was a very close friend of both of ours and I completely cut off my friendship with her. It was hard because I was used to spending a lot of time with her. At the time, I was in a similar boat to you where I didn’t want to talk about the situation to people who knew both of us. Please take the time to start creating a support network for yourself outside of your mutual friends. Maybe you have a work friend you can confide in, or an old friend you’ve been out of touch with, or a sibling or family member…

    • lawsuited

      You can’t save your marriage on your own even if you wanted to. And your husband’s blase reaction to your discovery that he’s fundamentally breached your marriage vows (oh, you saw my email to the woman I’m cheating on you with? Can you please delete that?) shows that he’s not interested in saving it. So, focus on getting yourself through this:

      1. You’re going to be less able to cope with this if you’re fighting battles on all fronts – so you need to be able to sleep properly and control your anxiety. See your doctor about your anxiety so you can adjust your meds or your lifestyle or whatever else you can do to get that under better control.

      2. See a therapist so that you have an outlet for processing the initial shock and the emotions that will follow. Your therapist can help you through a lot of decisions you’ll have to start making, including who you tell and how you control the message.

      3. See a divorce attorney so that you can take any preventative steps to protect your assets. Your husband’s been thinking about divorce for a while, so getting mobilized before he does could be a difference-maker.

      Sending you lots of love and hugs. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. You really do deserve better.

    • Anon

      This is basically the story of how my first marriage ended. All I can say is you have my extreme sympathy. And my assurance that I am a million times happier to be out of that relationship and moved on, even if hurt like nothing else at the time (and for a good while).

  21. LostInTranslation

    Does anyone have recommendations for a good-quality translation software you’ve used? Our office manager wants to try Babylon but I have no experience with it. I’m actually skeptical there is such a thing because she wants it to be able to not only translate documents we get in, but create documents to go out to clients rather than using a professional translator like we usually do. Plus she wants it to be able to translate Flemish, Dutch, Mandarin/Cantonese and Spanish. Seems like a tall order to me. BTW please don’t suggest Google Translator bc it’s free (some have done that on an IT forum I frequent). She’s tried it and it doesn’t always do the job.

    Thanks!

    • Canadienne

      My suggestion is that you do not – I repeat, DO NOT – use software to translate anything that’s going out to clients. I’m francophone and even in Canada, you would not believe the number of companies that neglect to provide satisfactory French translations. If you’re going to translate, which is a wonderful, inclusive thing, do it right. Translating software is mostly terrible because it’s results never sound natural in the target language…and that’s if they make sense in the first place. Software can be a great in-house tool if you need to translate something that you’ve received in a different language, but I don’t think they’re the right choice for translating communications for clients.

      • Another Francophone

        HAHAHA yes. I’m an attorney and I can always tell when someone is using translation software when I see references to the “virgin contract”…

        • Canadienne

          OP – a good way to test out translating software is to use it in-house on documents that have been sent to you. It’s very likely that when you read the English translations they propose, you’ll have a bunch of “huh?” moments and swear off using them.

          Another Francophone – my favourite translation gaffe is when “sans préservatifs” is used on food items as a translation for “no preservatives”. Yikes! So happy I can buy with confidence knowing I won’t find condoms in my groceries!

    • Gail the Goldfish

      I have no suggestions, but having things translated by a program go out to clients sounds like a bad idea. I’ve never used any paid translation software, but the free ones are often hilariously inaccurate (or not inaccurate, perhaps, just give you very odd syntax.) I can’t imagine even paid programs are great–there’s so much context to language that I think you really need a person to translate, especially if you’re translating from English, because English is a weird language (I mean, think about how a program would see “read” in english trying to translate it to languages that have better defined tenses than we do–how would it know if it was supposed to be past or present?)

    • SuziStockbroker

      +1

      Another Canadian who has seen this far too often. It’s so bad that even I (anglophone who does not speak French perfectly) can tell it is terrible.
      I can read French pretty well, but will use translation software for incoming communications if necessary, but would never ever ever send anything out to clients using it.

    • Anona

      Can you ask the vendor for a trial or to translate several documents for you as a test to see what the quality is like? I am highly skeptical of any translation software being that great, but you can at least test it out to see how it performs before making a decision.

    • outside the US

      You haven’t mentioned what field you’re in, but if you don’t have the money to hire some kind of a proper translator, just leave the documents in English. What she is suggesting is hilarious at best and at worst an insult to your clients!

      • LostInTranslation

        Thanks everyone for verifying what I suspected to be true based on my own limited experience w Google and other free translators on the Internet. I had the same idea about doing a trial but the office manager who wants it said the packages she’s seen offer only very limited trials. We’re in oil and gas. We’ve spent a lot of $$ in the past using human translators for proposals and such. Now we’re trying to cut costs but you’ve verified what I suspected – this is not the place to be cheap!

        • Canadienne

          It’s worth it, trust me. A poorly-translated document can make you look really incompetent or insensitive. Conversely, when I receive something that’s really idiomatic in French, I’m impressed and sincerely appreciate the effort.

          As an aside, I would work as a translator if I could afford to do so. Often translators are paid by the word and have to take on other jobs to make a living. It’s a true art and I’m really happy to hire translators when I need them.

        • outside the US

          We’re in different fields then, but I would advise you to use real human translators but consider when and how much to translate, ie sometimes we opt to summarize a document instead of translating it or make sure we avoid translating boilerplate and such when paying by the word. Sounds like that might not work for proposals though. Either way, good luck!

    • Lucy

      I have used Babylon to translate Spanish to English. It is great; so much better than Google Translator. It somehow understands the version of the translation that is appropriate in context. I’m sure that’s not really true, but I get great results from it. That said, I would never use it to translate anything important from English to Spanish. I would not use any software for that, because I would not know if it was correct when it left. I can tell if something is off in the English translation, but the whole reason for using the software would be that your Spanish (or other language) skills are not good enough to do the translation yourself, so how could you possibly know if you’ve sent out something saying what you want it to say — or something very very different?

    • Anonymous

      Don’t do it!

      Machine translation is ok for getting the gist of a foreign language document that you need to understand. It is a very bad idea to use MT for client-facing documents.

      Also, be careful of confidentiality issues with some online translation sites. There can be a risk that the text you enter can be accessed by third parties.

  22. Anonymous

    Nothing worse than on an otherwise easy Friday afternoon uncovering an error you made and sent out to clients weeks ago.

    Also, I am putting in notice next to leave this job for an internship, and am so excited and relieved! The private sector was good to me for several years, but I am back in school now and ready to experiment with the public sector.

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