Coffee Break: Geometric Panelled Tote

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Pink Bag: Bao Bao Issey Miyake Geometric Panelled Tote I love a black tote as much as the next person, but sometimes it's fun to have bold accessories. This hot pink paneled tote is totally calling my name — I love the plastic pieces and the general texture of the bag. The same style comes in a lot of other colors (including a more subdued rose gold, a prism rainbow colored bag, and (oooh!) a numbers print — what fun. The pictured bag is $454 at Farfetch. Bao Bao Issey Miyake Geometric Panelled Tote

Here's a lower-priced option from Issey Miyake Cauliflower.

(L-7)

Sales of note for 2/14/25 (Happy Valentine's Day!):

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off your full-price purchase — and extra 60% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + 15% off (readers love their suiting as well as their silky shirts like this one)
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 300+ styles $25 and up
  • J.Crew – 40% of your purchase – prices as marked
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site and storewide + extra 50% off clearance
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Flash sale ending soon – markdowns starting from $15, extra 70% off all other markdowns (final sale)

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

194 Comments

  1. is also at the MoMa design store (and comes in other fun shapes / colors).

    It was featured in the WSJ last fall (and the lady who runs the MoMa design store, which is online).

    It is fabulous and reminds me of magnetic shapes my children play with. But more expensive than I can justify right now. Le sigh.

    1. It reminds we of a plastic shopping tote my daughter bought me a 5 Below when she was 6.

  2. Can we talk about career motivations? What are yours? Salary, flexibility, title, great coworkers? Mine are so different than they were 5 or 10 years ago. I value my time way more than any title or salary and I actively look for jobs that will not take over my life. My salary can go up forever, but I’ll never get that time back. Curious to hear how others feel.

    1. I would love to follow this convo. I’m at a (triple) fork in the road and balancing these values is the only way I’ll be able to figure out which way to go.

      Now I’m leaning towards time at the expense of immediate salary increases and prestige.

    2. Intellectual interest was my primary career motivation pre-baby. with enough salary to be moderately comfortable. Now I am all about work hours and flexibility, and it is causing me to have some significant self-doubts. Who am I, that doesn’t care if it’s not that interesting anymore? And is this a temporary or permanent change? I’d hate to throw everything away and regret it in 5 years, but cannot keep going in current career track in the immediate future because of unpredictability of schedule, etc.

    3. I genuinely love my field and think I do important work for my students, even if it’s not highly-compensated or a status-y career–that’s my biggest motivation. I definitely value a meaningful job that provides good work/life balance over a title or salary.

    4. Great question!

      When I started, my main motivation was impact and status: doing important research with the major players, getting out highly-cited articles in high-profile publications, seeing results influence action. My life was about changing the world.

      Now, flexibility, enjoyability (work and coworkers), and income. I’m much more proactive about negotiating salary and putting myself up for promotion than I was when I was younger. I’m more focused on my bills and retirement planning and have less of the “I’m going to change the world!” fervor. I love my job, but it’s more just a job and I want to get paid well to do it ;)

      1. I am like Hoola Hoppa. I no longer care about status–I have attained PARTNERSHIP in my law firm, and have all the status that comes with it; along with all of the rights and privileges associated THEREWIT; so NOW, it is realy more about finding a guy who will see that I am sucessful, and will MARRY me so that I can start makeing a family with him. I am getting to the end of the line on FERTILITY, so Grandma Leyeh has even suggested that I freeze my egg’s until I find a guy. But this is EXPENSIVE, and I would rather just find a guy who will IMPREGNATE me so that I can have a baby. HOPEFULLY with him, but if not, then I can do it alone. FOOEY!

        Like the OP, I also have to start thinkeing about retirement (at age 65, which is 30 year’s away), so saveing will be come a priority. HOWEVER, I need to be married and if I am, I can just let my HUSBAND figure all of that stuff out.

        It is so much easier if I let my dad do it, but he is over 60 now and NOT interested in hanging around to figure out my finance’s all the time. He still want’s to retire down South, but Rosa and the kid’s say they will NOT visit that often if he leaves. So he is staying here on LI for the time beeing. YAY!!!!!

    5. Mine have changed so much in 10 years. I used to want intellectual challenge, interesting work, high salary, lots of travel, a very competitive work environment, and advancement to partner.

      Now that I’ve burned myself out, I am working through a workbook for unhappy lawyers (“What Can You Do With a Law Degree?”) and my needs/values/motivations have completely changed. I want to help people, work on a team, make a difference, have a predictable schedule…

      I wonder how much of this change is a reaction to being burned out, how much is maturing, and how much is intrinsic to me.

    6. Right now I have three kids and a husband with an inflexible job so I really value flexibility above salary. I have been at the same lawyer job for 8 years and have proven myself, so I do get the flexibility I need. Previously, my husband worked a flexible job so I was able to stay late, work on extra assignments, travel, etc. to get to this point. He was unhappy with his job, so I encouraged him to find something else and he now has a job he likes but is not at all flexible.

      I also value intellectually interesting work and doing work that I feel like helps people and aligns idealistically with my values. I have found that in my job. A plus is that I really like and respect my co-workers.

    7. This is a good question. Like many people here, my motivators have changed a lot over time. I used to only be interested in the challenge level of the work and, to be honest, prestige. Pursuing only those things did not make me happy. Now I am much more focused on versatility of the work, as opposed to just how challenging it is. I’ve found I’m much happier and energetic when I do a variety of things in a day or at least week. I am also very focused on who I am working with: peers, supervisors, and supervisees. When I wasn’t paying attention to that, I ended up very professionally isolated and/or working for people I didn’t respect.

    8. I was hardcore about prestige, title and salary for several years. I was determined to be the best and head up a top PR agency. I worked 80+ hours a week, volunteered for every assignment, worked every conference imaginable…

      Then my brother died. And as cliche as it sounds, it changed it for me. I remember sitting there, looking at him in his coffin, thinking, “Why on earth am I doing this? When I’m dead, will anyone care I wrote a great press release?”

      And my brain did a complete shift and it was about how to spend as much time as possible with my family and loved ones (and puppy!!!)

    9. Intellectually interesting work that makes an impact and is of value.

      Smart co-workers who are motivated and passionate about what they do.

      So I work very hard. Income has never been a focus, so at times I wake up in a panic at night.

      I’m a doctor who also does biomedical research.

      1. YES.

        All of these. Intellectual challenge, real impact on real people’s lives, wide latitude of decisionmaking authority, and smart, interesting colleagues who care about their work.

        I’m a criminal lawyer.

    10. 1 – Interesting work which challenges and engages me
      2 – Support for that work, meaning respect, salary, resources
      3 – An organization I can believe in

      I have all three now as a finance manager at an academic medical center. My hospital does great things, and leadership is driven by patient care over money, so I feel good about working the money part of it; I’m making sure we can continue to provide great patient care.

    11. Before : Challenge, prestige, earning bragging rights to tell people that I engineered/architected it when they drool over a new gadget (I am an engineer).
      Now: Amazing co-workers and managers, salary, challenge

      Change came about when I worked with a toxic team on a super cool project which was constantly in the news. I stuck around just to be able to brag to people and on my resume. But project aside, the toxicity in the team almost caused me be to be hospitalized due to constant stress of dealing with people. I used to wake up weeping because I didn’t want to see the people whom I worked and deal with their passive aggressive behavior. Not to mention the energy and time spent on protecting my work, preparing a counter attack and what not.

    12. Here is my mission statement:

      To do valuable work that is interesting and challenging with people I like and respect.

      I put this together during a very dark and stressful time in my career (the Great Recession.) I check in with it once in a while and it still applies. When I’m hating my job I think about why and it’s usually because one of these items is not being met.

    13. I just left a steady job and a pay cut for a two year gig because I was sick of the politics even though I liked my actual job. Happy I did it.

      1. As someone in the kids and family category, my priority is a flexible job that is interesting enough and paid well enough for me to get through the day before I go home to my kids.

        Gosh, writing that out looks pretty bad. But for better or worse, it is true. What happened to me??

    14. Work life balance.
      Reasonable amount of intellectual challenge.
      Some truly wonderful colleagues who are friends.
      Decent pay.
      Barely any travel (thanks, cost cutting)

  3. Any suggestions for a dry shampoo for fine, black hair? Ideally would love something volumizing and that won’t leave a white residue on my jet black hair. Thanks!

    1. Salon Grafix Play it Big Dry Shampoo for Black Hair. it is magical.

      I have pitch black (Dita Von Teese black) hair that’s been Japanese Straightened, and with this dry shampoo, I can go 4-6 days without washing my hair and it looks big and voluminous every day (I have very thin, flat hair, so this is huge for me!)

  4. Immediate threadjack…. I live in a mid size Southern city, about 1.5 hours away from my parents/hoometown. I am married, in my mid 40s, and am an only child. My parents are 77 and 74, and I have noticed that they have been slowly declining over last year or so ( forgetful, lots of minor illnesses, tired often, etc). They call on me often to handle business and financial issues for them. I have two kids, one a junior in high school, one in 7th grade. I am a litigation attorney, but was in house for several years at an insurance carrier before the claims offices consolidated to a state that was far away. I decided not to move to the far away state, as it was not a good time or option for my family.

    A job has come open at an insurance carrier in my hometown that looks like it was written for me. I applied yesterday onlliine, and got a call for a phone interview today. The call is scheduled for Monday.

    I know that in the next several years, I will need to move back to hometown to deal with aging parent situation. Husband knows this, and is fine with moving. Our hope was to get kids gone before we moved, which is 5 years from now, max. If necessary, we could probably make the move next summer, which is just before youngest goes to high school.

    I am hopeful that since this job in hometown requires lots of in state travel (we live in a small state… you can go from one end to the other in 4 hours by car), the powers that be would be OK with me living in current town, and coming into the office 2-3 days per week (I can spend the night with parents so I can do two or three days in a row), and working remotely the rest of the week, at least for the next year or so. My question is this: if I am not directly asked, do I bring this up in the phone interview ? I don’t want to waste anyone’s time by continuing the interview process if this is not an option, but I would like to give them the chance to like me before I bring it up.

    I have never had this issue before and don’t know the best choice. Thanks in advance!

    1. I don’t know that I’d raise it in the very first interview. Let them meet you and see how awesome you are and get their hearts set on having you. I think the phone interview is way too soon.

      1. Thanks, Senior Attorney, and CONGRATS ! I have been following the Gentleman Friend story with interest. I am so happy for you.

    2. Given what you’ve said (and the miracle that is modern technology) there’s a good chance that they would agree to this arrangement, especially if you have parents in the company’s town and it’s reasonably short-term. The general advice on this is to wait until they’re very interested in you and you’ve sold them on how you are a perfect candidate for the position. So I would suggest that you wait until the in-person interview to tell them, or the second phone interview if that is the next step after the first phone interview.

    3. Have them fall in love with you, first. For the right candidate a lot of criteria can be flexible as long as you can get the work done, still appear at the office and network with your colleagues.

      I had a similar incident but mine was about an extended maternity leave. I found out I was pregnant after accepting the position but before my start date. Because of complications, I worked for three months, then took a five month maternity/ST disability leave. They were totally fine because I was a great fit for the position and they were willing to wait.

      1. Thanks, troll. It is not that easy. No good parent wants to uproot their child from all the schools they have ever known, all their friends, coaches, teachers, doctors, dentists, orthodontists, etc. unless it is absolutely necessary, especially when the oldest will be starting her senior year in high school. The question was not whether to move or not, but whether to bring it up in the phone interview.

        1. As someone whose parents had to move (no other choice) in the middle of high school, I fully support the idea of waiting until Kid#1 graduates from high school and before Kid #2 starts high school.

  5. I have gotten really involved in a non-profit recently. We have events frequently where there are silent auctions and not really any other way to give money. But the items on the silent auction will go for quite a bit of money. What other ways are there to allow people to give smaller amounts? I feel like there has to be some way other than basically a tip jar. Anybody seen anything creative?

    1. Get people to donate bottles of wine. Wrap them up and you can buy a mystery bottle for $x. Get a bunch of donated gift cards and put them in envelopes. You can buy a mystery envelope for $x dollars. Have people walking around the event selling these things. Do a heads or tails auction (basically everyone that enters the raffle picks heads/tails and stands with their hands on their heads or rear, flip a coin, winners stay standing, play until someone wins)

        1. I’m not the original Anonymous but can answer you – it’s when you sell raffle tickets and at some point in the night draw one. Whoever’s ticket you draw keeps half of the money you collected, and your organization keeps the other half. These are very common at large sporting events but also other charity functions.

          1. Check your state laws first — there are rules on gambling and exceptions for nonprofits (i.e., church bingo), but you want to make sure that you do this right.

          2. Indeed. My law firm has a specialized subpractice in charity/gaming/sweepstakes rules. They vary greatly by state and can result in serious penalties if handled poorly.

    2. I attended a fashion show/auction charity event recently where they did the usual silent auction. Among the silent auction items, there was a table where you had the ability to sign up to “pledge” to donate smaller amounts (anywhere from $20-$100) via either a one-time or monthly donation to the cause. It seemed pretty popular.

    3. You can silent auction tiny things ($100 gift cards from area restaurants), too. Or buy a membership to a “Young Leadership Group” for $25 or $40 or some other appropriate dollar amount.

    4. When the organizations I volunteer for have those types of events, we put pledge/payment envelopes as part of the place setting (we do very pretty, shiny ones that look nice). So those who’d like to contributions can 1) write a check or put in cash and give it to an event host 2) write in a pledge amount that we’d call them about in the following week or 3) they can take the envelope home with them and do either of the above on their own timetable and mail it to us. You don’t want to make it too creative, or it is too complex to give – you want to make it as easy and convenient as possible.

    5. Our local Catholic school used to have a 50/50 poker tournament. (I think it was ~$80 to enter and there were 1st, 2nd and 3rd place prizes, but half the money went to the school.)

    6. We do an annual garage sale silent auction. Everything is worth $5-50. Minimum bid is $1. Most items go for $1-20. It’s a great deal of fun, actually. You could do the same as a regular garage sale, too. Small prices, but overall we net a decent amount of money. It’s done before the regular auction.

      Same org sells raffle tickets for a couple of items at the regular auction (where prices are much higher!), so you can still play for a small amount. Winners are announced at the end.

      I know someone whose school does Bingo Night, and evidentially it’s extremely profitable and popular. It’s a couple of dollars per card, plus concessions.

    7. There are some good ideas here, and absolutely you should have donation envelopes at each table.

      At one event for a non-profit I work with, in addition to the silent auction they have raffled off large themed gift baskets, so much per ticket for each one — sports themed, cat or dog themed (it’s an animal shelter), etc. The guests only have to put in a dollar or two, but it adds up. The raffles for each one would close and the winners announced at different times during the evening , so there was some ongoing fanfare and some activity that wasn’t just the silent auction.

      A fun thing that it has done is a $5 table (increased to $10 in recent years, I think). We get a large number of smaller but still nice items — picture frames, coffee mugs, silk scarves, books, fancy coffees, small-amount gift cards, movie tickets and costume jewelry are a few of the things I can recall — arrange them on long tables and label each with a number. The corresponding numbers are put in little tiny boxes (or you could do small plastic easter eggs or envelopes or whatever) that are placed in a large basket and the person pays their $5, chooses a little box and then gets the item that corresponds with that number. I used to work this table and we would make a production of it, urging people to come on over and take a chance, shaking and rattling the basket that held the little boxes, getting a cute child to help draw the numbers out, etc. Some people would spend extra for more chances to try to get a certain thing, others would just donate back the item if they really didn’t want it. I would also do some wheeling and dealing (“Hey, the person at table 2 got the coffee mug you wanted, buy something and go trade her for it!”). And at the end of the night let the guests just buy things directly instead of doing the take-a-chance thing.

    8. I’ve been to a few events now where they sold the centerpieces. They went for $50 and they had worked out deals with florists to buy the arrangements at a discounted rate, so they made $20-30 per arrangement.

      Raffles are great, bingo nights, even pledge cards at place settings.

    9. I have been to a number of events where they do a paddle raise at the end of the live auction. They identify a specific thing the $$ will be used for that year (e.g. new PE equipment) and then ask people to raise their paddles for specific amounts. They start high ($50K, I think) then drop down. Most people end up giving, with many at the $50-100 level (the two lowest).

  6. I went to an info session on Monday night and had a good chat with someone, but I haven’t yet sent a thank you note. Should I go ahead and do that, or is it more harm than good at this point?

  7. A lot of people on here have talked about using a Nordstrom personal stylist. But has anyone used a Nordstrom beauty stylist? My understanding is that it’s someone who can help you with makeup, skin care, etc. I am a loyal Nordies shopper. I’d had makeup help at Sephora but wasn’t too impressed, so was curious if the Nordstrom version was better.

    1. This data is years old, like from my senior year of high school in 2006…but yes I did! I was 100% clueless about makeup since my mom has never worn anything more than tinted sunscreen. I went to the nearest Nordstrom since I’d heard they had good makeup and very shyly, very awkwardly, asked one of them to show me how to do a basic, natural look. The stylist I saw was nothing but kindness and gave me exactly what I was looking for, pulling from a few different counters. To this day, I credit 3 resources for showing me how to do makeup: the Nordies stylist in 2006 for the basics, my college hallmate for lipstick, and Carmindy from What Not to Wear for everything else :)

    2. Yes! I took my makeup-averse sister this year as a belated Christmas gift–she wanted someone to go over the basics with her. I made the appointment beforehand and gave them some information about my sister and what she was looking for. We went together and it was so much fun. The stylist tailored everything to what my sister wanted and really listened to her. She put together a little face diagram at the end that listed all the products that she used (it might’ve all been Bobbi Brown, at my sister’s request), and my sister ended up buying maybe three of the products. And FYI, we just straight up asked her if she accepted tips and she (very graciously) said no.

  8. I don’t wear much makeup on the regular (undereye concealer, clear mascara, light brown eye shadow, lipgloss). I’m getting married in a few months and I know that I need to wear a bit more, but I’d really like to stick to a super natural look (ie Downton Abbey, where the sisters just look awesome, not made up). I have pale skin and light brown hair with a bit of reddish tones. Which makeup counter should I hit up to get some supplies? Bobbi Brown?

    1. What’s clear mascara? I’m intrigued.

      Laura Mercier and Bobbi Brown are both good. I think it’s still worthwhile to look into a makeup artist if it’s in the budget, particularly if pictures/video are high priority items for you. Getting a Downton Abbey look on camera will require a skilled hand and more makeup than you think in person.

      1. I mean this without snark, but it is exactly what it sounds like – mascara that is clear (like hair gel) instead of colored. It is a hint of definition but without being too much (or risk smearing/smudging/etc).

      2. Clear mascara is just what it sounds like — it’s mascara texture, but without any pigment. I was allowed to wear it in 6th grade when I was begging to be permitted to wear makeup :) but it’s also useful for taming brows / eyelashes without fuss.

      3. Oh – and I should have added, yes, I’m getting a makeup artist. But I want to acquire a few basics of my own ahead of time that I KNOW suit me and my complexion (and my tolerance for stuff on my skin) so that I can bust them out if I don’t like their stuff as much. Example: I hate, HATE shimmery eyeshadows. Matte only for me.

        1. Check out MAC. I have oddly pale skin and they’re the only ones who can match me for concealer AND foundation, and their Studio Fix powder foundation is magic in a bottle.

          They also have matte eyeshadows–I can’t stand any shimmer, and MAC is the only one I’ve found that really has matte shadows in great shades.

          But I also highly recommend Urban Decay’s primer potion–it keeps your eyeshadow (even cheapy brands) on forever. And I use their All-Nighter setting spray, and it keeps my makeup on throughout long events.

        2. Can you do a dry run with the makeup artist? When a friend got married the makeup artist came with her own products, so I don’t know that you need to buy anything yourself, other than maybe lipstick or lip gloss if you want to touch up.

          If you do go to a makeup counter and you like their results, get them to write down what they used on you and then take a picture so you can show the makeup artist what you mean by “minimal”

          1. For me, my makeup artist didn’t have foundation pale enough for me, so I was super glad I bought my own! If you have a tough to match skin tone, definitely prepare to have at least your own foundation, concealer or powder. They’ll have everything else.

    2. Oh, there’s a YouTube makeup artist – I can’t remember her name, but it’s Lisa Eldridge or something like that – she did an English Rose makeup tutorial with Laura Carmichael. You should definitely look it up!

    3. I have your coloring and this is what I did myself for my wedding: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUa37lniu-Y
      I substituted some of the items for less expensive ones. I did get this Dior shadow and it was absolutely worth it. This look is very subtle so I still wear it all in my day to day now.

  9. I need more book recommendations! This time for my nephew. He’ll be 3 soon and I want to get him a few books for his birthday. Curious George books were a big hit last time but I think he’s moved on. What are fun options for that age?

    1. Jean Coppendale Mighty Machines series: Trucks, Tractors, Firetrucks, etc.
      Richard Scarry Cars, Trucks, & Things that Go (sensing a theme?)
      Paw Patrol anything
      Goodnight Goodnight Construction Site & Steam Train, Dream Train
      Mo Willems books: Elephant & Piggie, Pigeon, and Trixie series

    2. My favorite topic… Richard Scary books are great for boys and girls, Dumpy the Dump Truck, Tonka car and truck books, Dr. Seuss books, If you give a pig a pancake series.

    3. My 4 year old still loves Curious George – heck, his older brother will read them with us too.

      Other hits: If You Give a Mouse a Cookie and the other If You Give a … books – we have a book that is 4 of the stories in 1, and came with an audiobook CD
      -Work Dogs Work
      -Little Blue Truck
      -Pete the Cat (also a good one to get the audiobook with)

      Also, Kat just did a post on favorite kid’s books on C-Moms yesterday.

      1. Oh good to know! No kids and no plans to have kids so I’m never over there.

    4. There was a thread about favorite kid books on the mom’s s i t e yesterday, fwiw.

    5. Giraffes Can’t Dance by Giles Andreae
      Goodnight, Goodnight Construction Site by Sherri Duskey Rinker
      Dragons Love Tacos by Adam Rubin
      Mr. Tiger Goes Wild by Peter Brown

    6. I’ve actually been reading chapter books like Stuart Little, Paddington and Charlotte’s Web to my 4-year-old nephew. He calls them “grown-up” books and likes that it’s different than what I read to his little brother.

    7. The mom’s site just had a post on this yesterday…. click over there and take a look at the responses for good ideas. At three, my kids could sit for longer stories, not only board books. I would get anything by Mo Willems (Elephant & Piggie are AWESOME! but so is Knuffle Bunny) or some Dr. Seuss books that are fun to read aloud.

    8. My almost 3-year old loves the Berenstain Bears (esp. the Gimmies bc of all that candy)

    9. Can I just take this opportunity to say that I hate the Skippyjon Jones books? I know they’re popular, but I don’t get it. They’re a bunch of nonsense and the main character is always misbehaving, which my 4 year-old, who is currently obsessed with one of the books that someone gave him as a gift, has definitely noticed. Ugh. I’m saving the rest of these suggestions though.

  10. Just need to vent. My dad lost his corporate job in the tech bubble burst and was trying to make a go at it as an independent consultant for a while, but after his last contract ended (years ago) he basically hasn’t had any income. My parents divorced a few years ago so he now has to pay for things that my mom was covering (housing, his car, dining, etc.) and both my parents have less in savings. He has been trying to get a business in a foreign country off the ground for a few years now (with a local partner who seems less invested than him) and has put off all other efforts to make money (even though he talks about how he needs money all the time). It has reached the point where he’s now asking my unemployed brother for money. Said brother recently relocated back to my area without a job and has been making (what I would deem) half-hearted attempts to find a well-paying job in a very crowded field where he has little to no experience. He has given no thought to what he wants out of life and thought that simply moving back would solve his problems (depression being one of them) and was telling me yesterday that he’s depressed about his current life situation because being back here is not what he thought it would be. I suggested therapy and resisted the urge to say “I told you so,” because I did, in fact, tell him that relocating without a plan did not make sense.

    GAH. I realize that they are adults and their issues are not my problems, but it is SO frustrating.

    1. I so feel you. My in-laws are driving me NUTS this week/month/year/years with their increasingly idiotic financial and life decisions. It is both sad and maddening. I have to bite my tongue to keep from yelling at them.

      1. Right here with you. My in-laws got a huge inheritance from a distant relative that didn’t have kids of her own, and they’ve blown through 75% of it, and tied up the rest in really dumb investments that barely bring in anything but will cost them to pull it out early, AND they have racked up credit card debt. Our finances are somewhat mingled (we helped them use some of the money to buy an investment rental property) so we have to hear about it all the time.

        And best of all, my MIL will almost definitely live to 95+ like her mother and aunts, and if my FIL takes after his father he will live to his mid-80s but be senile by mid-70s. I think she has a decent amount put away for retirement thanks to a generous employer with a guaranteed percent, but who knows what she’s invested it in – hopefully something conservative that is a slow and steady gainer. I don’t think he has much of anything.

    2. I totally get where you’re coming from. My dad has had his head in the sand about finances for YEARS now, and has ignored the good, consistent advice he’s been getting from all corners (financial advisor, very money-savvy friend, me…) Now he’s finally at an age where he wants to slow down and think about retiring, but is trapped until he’s able to liquidate some significant property assets associated with his business. He’s tried to make it my problem a few times; I bailed him out once last year because he was going to get foreclosed on (bearing in mind that I make 40k and he grosses over 100k) and am happy to be a sounding board and source of advice (which is pretty much “sell your stuff,” “downsize,” and “see a financial advisor”), but refuse to participate beyond that. Maybe I’m an awful person, but he’s an adult of sound mind and reasonably sound body (considering that he refuses to take care of himself and is now suffering some stress-related issues)–he made his bed, now he gets to lie in it. I feel so awful but I do not have the capacity or expertise to help him through this in a meaningful way.

    3. Repeat after me: “Not my circus, not my monkeys.”

      Also, to the extent possible, try to disengage completely from conversations about this stuff for a while. You can’t be frustrated by other people’s bad decisions when you don’t know what they are. Considering they’ve taken exactly zero of your advice over, it sounds like, a period of YEARS I think the statute of limitations has run on you serving as advice-giver, and if I were in your shoes I’d totally just punt and shut down finance-related conversations going forward.

      (CaptainAwkward[dot]com is an awesome place for scripts about this sort of thing, definitely check out her archives if you haven’t already.)

  11. Going on a cruise this weekend, need good book recommendations. Looking for fun easy beach type reads. TIA!

    1. Just read The Royal We and enjoyed it. The Aviator’s Wife, The Story of Z, The Nightengales, Circling the Son.

    2. Anything by Liane Moriarty. They’re “chick lit” (how I loathe that phrase) but actually decent quality, often with some kind of mystery thrown in. If you like comedy, try the books by Tina Fey/Amy Poehler/Mindy Kaling.

    3. Hold on to your hats, this list is about to get long:

      The Nest by Cynthia D’Aprix Sweeney
      Where’d You Go, Bernadette? by Maria Semple
      Any of Jen Lancaster’s memoirs (but most especially Bitter is the New Black, Bright Lights, Big Ass, and Such a Pretty Fat)
      Spin by Catherine McKenzie
      Arranged by Catherine McKenzie
      The Darlings by Christina Alger
      Maine by J. Courtney Sullivan
      Riding Lessons and Flying Changes by Sara Gruen (decently fun, but especially fun if you’re at all into horses)
      Spooky Little Girl by Laurie Notaro
      Any of Allison Winn Scotch’s books
      Any of Stacey Ballis’ books
      Any of Plum Sykes’ books
      Any of Whitney Gaskell’s books (but especially Mommy Tracked if you’re a working mom, and especially Testing Kate if you went to law school)
      Any of Marion Keyes’ books

    4. I was on vacation last week and got in a lot of reading time due to getting sunburned on the first day. I read:

      The new Mindy Kaling book (had already read the first one) – yes that was me laughing in the cabana all by myself

      The girl on the train – Paula Hawkins

      This one is mine – Maria Semple

      The Nightingale – Kristin Hannah

      So basically one book per day. I don’t think any of them are great literature but they went very well with Mai Tais. :)

      Have fun.

  12. I think I need a new look, guys. I think of myself as someone who’s into clothes and styling, but I’m still stumped!

    I’m 34, petite, and have a large chest and booty with a small waist. My legs are also thick/muscular. My job is fairly loose on the dress requirements, and my priority is to look trustworthy and approachable to young people.

    My casual uniform for years has been high-waisted skinny jeans with a looser shirt. My work silhouette is usually similar, adapted for work or with a pencil skirt. Lately, though, I’ve been craving comfort and feeling less and less tolerant of any kind of constriction or limits to my movement. Baggy clothes tend to be awful on me due to my curves and shortness. Boyfriend jeans look wrong because they tend to still cling to my legs. I can’t just wear leggings everywhere. Any ideas? Others with a similar body type who’ve solved these dilemmas?

    (This is a re-post as I was too late to the morning thread.)

    1. I’m similar in every regard, except for the young people. I have to look trustworthy and approachable to adults.

      When I want a pajama day at work, I wear leggings and a loose (but substantial) knit dress. Eileen Fisher-esque. It is not the most flattering look, but I have a few pieces that work well enough for me and I go with it.

      My other standby is black knit pants that pass convincingly as trousers (for a casual work environment). Mine are from Lands End. Beta brand are popular.

    2. This is part of the reason I don’t wear pants to work anymore. I just sort of woke up one day and felt super annoyed by anything around my thighs, knees, or ankles. The only “jeans” I have are basically jeggings.

      I know we’ve had some Lands’ End hate here recently, but their ponte dresses work really well for me. I’ve had good luck with Target’s ponte dresses too.

    3. What about stretchy jeans/jeggings? I have a pair of high-waisted Maria JBrand skinny jeans that are stretchier and SO comfy

    4. We sound similarly shaped–I consider the ponte trousers by NYDJ as my “work pajamas.” Super soft and stretchy without being too tight. They’re expensive full price, but are often marked down to $60-ish at Nordstrom. I’ve also scored a pair or two off ebay.

    5. You need to wear knit dresses that have a defined waist. Not too much fullness in the skirt but doesn’t have to be pencil either – a moderate a-line is perfect. Buy to fit your hips or bust (whichever is larger relative to the size charts) and have them hemmed to knee length and have the waist nipped in as necessary.

      I can see how baggy shapes would do nothing for you, given your description of your shape. Use Bernadette on Big Bang Theory as your style model.

    6. I have basically exactly the body type you described, and I have an entire closet full of ponte sheath dresses because they feel like pajamas but make me look super put together. I have this dress in almost all of the colors because it just works perfectly (and FWIW, I’m petite but find the regular sizes are also fine).

      http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/ellen-tracy-seamed-pontesheath-dress-regular-petite/4104667?cm_mmc=Google_Product_Ads_pla_online-_-datafeed-_-women%3Adresses%3Adress-_-1173577&amp%3Bcountry=US&amp%3Bcurrency=USD&mr%3AreferralID=917d6eff-fd26-11e5-9ece-0050569451e5&gclid=Cj0KEQjwipi4BRD7t6zGl6m75IgBEiQAn7CfF3irGWTIL-rFBcAtEF-BezldNtL2MdauvtzHg4Iyep8aAvt08P8HAQ

  13. I’m getting my first crown (dental) tomorrow. Will it hurt? Will I be in pain after?
    I HATE the dentist (not the person but the procedures, etc). I’ve had serious dental anxiety for years and now I have to actually get some of this work done before I end up toothless. Cute look on an animated dragon, not so much for a single 35 yr old. Ease my worries….

    1. I (unfortunately) am the queen of crowns. I have had 3 crowns put in. I found it shockingly simple and painless, and I have a deep terror/hatred of the dentist.

      For me, they did the shot in the area where I was getting the crown–that hurt like a pinch, but not really PAINFUL, just uncomfortable. It did jerk my tear reflex, which was annoying, but it wasn’t really pain.

      After a few minutes, I could feel my whole mouth was numb–they got to work and I felt nothing at all. They gave me a break while my crown was being polished and I went to the rest room and I was shocked to see my stub of a tooth (they grind down the sides for the crown to go over. It hadn’t occurred to me that’s what it would look like, but it was a surprise.

      Then I had the tooth put on and sealed and done! Start to finish it was about 30-45 minutes. They gave me painkillers for afterwards, but I didn’t need them, I just used aspirin. For the first day or so, I felt just a bit sore, like how you feel after working out too hard, but not in pain. I ate mostly soft foods for the first few days and was fine.

      If you’re terrified, also ask your doctor about medications. Some will prescribe you an anti-anxiety medication (For my first one, they gave me Xanax because I was near tears I was so scared). Some people who truly are terrified can also be put under so they sleep through it.

      1. My tooth is killing me today and I’m wondering if it’s one of the OTHER teeth that needs a crown also. UGH.

        They are going to use gas on me because I don’t have anyone to drive me… ugh.

        1. Don’t panic–that’s called referred pain (it’s a real thing, Google it!). It can start to feel like teeth all over are aching because of that one rotting tooth. I was CONVINCED I needed 6 crowns and I think went a dozen times to get checked to make sure (I wish I was kidding). It really was just the one tooth, and my other teeth were just hurting because that one was so bad.

          I was able to drive home myself without any issue, but they only used a numbing agent. Are you getting a root canal and crown, or is this the second step (just the crown)?

          1. Ummm… I forget…. they gave me a “fix my mouth plan” like 6 months ago and I did all of zero things…. because…. ugh…. *sigh* *facepalm*

            I know I need 4 total but I called yesterday because this one was hurting and they could fit me in tomorrow for the one. I think I need to make some follow up appts for the other teeth while I’m still on the laughing gas tomorrow.

          2. Right, so root canal, temporary crown, and then real crown. Can be a 3 visit ordeal.

          3. Don’t beat yourself up. It happens. I was terrified of the dentist and avoided it for years because I was so scared…and ended up needing 3 root canals and crowns. You’ll feel so much better when it’s over! I was amazed after it was done what a big impact having my teeth fixed had on my overall health.

            I always felt like I had a sinus headache or infection, and it was just the pain of a rotting tooth causing it.

            Now I’m a good little patient and have an electric toothbrush, brush religiously, and rinse with ACT constantly. Still working on my eating and drinking habits!

          4. And like Godzilla said (that’s just fun to type, like quoting a nuclear monster), you likely will need multiple visits for each tooth (unless they do them all at once). Root canal with a temporary crown (mine did that in one visit), then go back in 2 weeks when the inflammation goes down for the crown.

    2. No, it will not hurt. You may feel sore after but I honestly don’t remember. The crown will feel different from your other teeth, which is bizarre. But you’ll get used to it!

      1. It does feel weird. If it feels TOO weird, speak up! Mine had a speck of concrete (or whatever the seal is called) on the back that my tongue kept going to and made me uncomfortable. I dropped in unannounced and they buffed it right down in 10 seconds at no charge.

        1. +1. I don’t have any apprehensions about dental work, and have had a lot of it, and a good dentist will ALWAYS work with you to make sure you are happy. I had to have 2 fillings and a crown about a month ago, and one of the fillings just felt…off. Went in this morning, chatted to him about it, about 30 seconds of polishing and an x-ray to check that nothing was wrong (it wasn’t), and it felt totally normal again.

      2. Well….the crown itself (temp or final) didn’t hurt for me. The root canal, where they cleaned out the old nerve tissue before adding the crown didn’t hurt during the procedure, though I think there was some pressure/sensation, but the dentist did not adequately prepare me for the pain after the Novocaine injection wore off. He mentioned it would hurt, and to take ibuprofen, but didn’t say how much (I would have started with 800 mg of Advil before the novocaine completely wore off. That part (the inflamed tissue) hurt like the dickens.

        But…I also had live nerve tissue – my crown was for a broken tooth (part of it had chipped off). If that’s not your situation, then you’re probably fine.

    3. Does your dentist offer nitrous oxide? I’m the worst dentophobe in the world and nitrous oxide was my friend when I got some crowns replaced. And you can even drive yourself home afterward!

      1. Sunflower, that was one of the reasons I even went to this office. We are going to use the nitrous and they’ve just called in tylenol 3 for my pain. I’m scheduled for 1 pm tomorrow but they’ll call if anything earlier opens. They are LOVELY at this office. Makes it much easier.

        1. I hope it goes well for you – let us know. You shouldn’t have too much pain if things go normally unlike a root canal of which I’ve had several. One was particularly miserable, the others not so much.

          1. If y’all are luck my goofy medicated self will be posting tomorrow afternoon. haha. Thank you for the messages!

    4. It doesn’t really hurt but the dentist has his or her hands in your mouth for a long time.

  14. I may out myself for this, but I could use some perspectives. I am a junior associate in a midsized firm (200 attorneys) in a somewhat large city. My practice is pretty specific-the skills are translatable to other areas but I’m definitely an XYZ attorney, rather than a general litigation or corporate associate. I graduated several years ago into a noxious job market, and could not find a job in my field (which I love). Most of the work in my field happens in private practice, specifically large law firms. There’s government and some not profit work too, as well as in house. I joined my current firm to work in my practice area less than 1 year ago after practicing for a few years at a smaller firm doing work outside my practice area. Well, turns out that my section has an extremely toxic partner. In addition, the work is somewhat slow (ie, several partners who bring in no business), and I really only feel like I have one partner in my corner (the rest are crazy or like me but are checked out), which makes me concerned about my long term prospects here.

    People keep contacting me about openings in biglaw. I’ve never wanted to work in biglaw. I pretty much do a 9-6:30 or 7 here and sometimes work on weekends or nights when we’re real busy, but on the whole, it’s sane. I’m a hard worker and I can grind out 2000 hours a year, and that won’t kill me, but I’m more concerned about things like working every weekend, working multiple late nights/ week, getting calls from partners at all hours….things like that. I guess I’m just terrified of the prospect at working in biglaw (like, knots in my stomach), but am also afraid that it will be a necessary career move. I’m also concerned about being at 3 firms in 4 years, and starting over again after what I’ve gone through here seems exhausting.

    I know that no one can tell me what work life balance at any anonymous firm will be like, but if anyone has any helpful advice, or has made this decision before, or can suggest things to consider, I’d appreciate it.

    1. Talk honestly with some of the people you would be working with if you moved to XYZ Biglaw LLP and be upfront about your concerns about time. There are biglaw jobs where you can have that kind of lifestyle, but it varies ENORMOUSLY by practice area and group. My question would be: are you able to do 9-6:30 because of the work you do and client expectations or just because the work is slow? If the latter, then you may be out of luck, but I do know people in biglaw who have that kind of pattern (work hard 9-10 hours in a row and then go home).

      Basically, don’t let irrational fear keep you from exploring the rational concerns of a job switch?

    2. Sounds exactly like my predicament last year, and I made the move to biglaw from midlaw. I had worked some crazy hours in midlaw and had some toxic partners that I worked with at my midlaw firm. I ended up leaving because work in my practice niche was dwindling.

      I am not sure I will say that I regret my move, because I am getting great experience here and making 2x as much, but life really does suck most of the time as far as “work life balance.” I’ve lucked out and had some weekends off and weeknights off, but for instance this week there is no big deal happening, yet I am so busy that I am working until midnight and waking up at 5am to finish working. Rinse repeat. There are also some super strong personalities in biglaw, so there will definitely be plenty of toxic partners. YMMV

    3. I think it depends a lot on practice area/group. If you are a specialist, which it sounds like you are, you probably will be at the beck and call of corporate people all weekend. Which sucks, but the hours certainly aren’t as bad as corporate are. With litigation, it’s more predictable (or can be).

      I am on call all weekend and work a ridiculous number of Friday and Saturday nights. On the other hand, I go home at 5:30 to see my daughter and do bedtime, so I have carved out some boundaries. Do I find this sustainable? No, not really. I miss not checking my email for four hours at a time. Basically, I think your fears are justified, but not all big law is necessarily created equal (a lot of it is though).

    4. It entirely depends on practice group. My biglaw hours were 9-7 on a normal day with a 12 hour day maybe once a week. I worked about 1 weekend a year. And I billed about 2000 hours a year. This was absolutely a feature of my type of practice group, and I worked with a few partners who were very good about not having me stay late for no reason.

  15. Have any of you lawyers left the industry for something not law related? Alternatively, is anyone here a private banker and can comment?

    I am considering a move from law into private banking. I have done my homework and met with several people who hire for these positions and actually have these positions and it seems like it would be a great fit for me. Many are lawyers and many who are not view having a law background as a definite plus. We have no loans or major debt other than a manageable mortgage, so I am really looking for something that I will be happy and fulfilled in. Biglaw is not that, and I don’t think litigation is that either, even in a smaller setting.

    I am not sure what I am asking for here – I guess I am just realizing that I’ve had a very closed mindset of what I could do with a law degree for a long time. Part of me feels “whoa, I would be leaving the law!” and the other part of me thinks “great!!!” and even if I hated it and stuck it out for a year or two, I could keep up my license and go back to law but working for a financial institution or accounting firm, now with more financial background than I have now, so it would still keep my options open if I made a big mistake.

    Anyone have any thoughts? Either from someone who left the law and never looked back? Or someone in private banking? Would appreciate hearing from you all!

    Thank you!

    1. I wasn’t in law long (but went to law school), and ended up in the reg affairs/FDA world. I love it (so far, about 2 years in). It’s more regular hours, no billable hours and I get to think about legal things, science/tech things, and business things – which pushes a lot of the fulfillment-on-the-job buttons for me.

    2. I have a friend who is doing just what you’ve described. She works with HNW individuals and family and consults on tax and trust matters as well. She’s seems happy with the most part and her firm pays for her law society fees

      1. I have a colleague, who is a lawyer, that does estate and tax worth for our HNW clients. It was a newer role, so she’s had to get her salary bumped up a couple of times once she has shown them what she is actually doing and how much value she has brought to the group.
        Think she is pretty happy with her current workload and remuneration.

  16. Salary negotiation advice needed. I am a finalist for a govt position and thanks to public data, I know what everyone in the department makes. They have stated that the position pays X, and I see from the public data that a couple people with the job title make X, a couple make X+5k, and a couple make X+10k. I have the same years of experience as a person at X and a person at X+5. If offered the position should I:

    — ask for X+10 and hope they’ll counter at X+5?
    — tell them I’ve seen the data and know my experience is that of people who make X+5, and ask for that?

    Other strategies?

    1. Is this federal government or smaller/state?

      I had a state agency I countered at and they came up a little (like, 3%). I just got a federal offer and my option was basically, Grade X, Step 1, take it or leave it. To be fair, Step 1 is about 10% more than my salary with bonus now, so I was happy. I think it was easier for them to offer me that than, Grade (X-1), Step 4 or whatever to give me the same salary.

      1. It’s state government. I haven’t seen an official range and don’t know if they’re offering me a certain grade/step or low-balling me for an unstated range. I agree with Godzilla that raises are tough to get, so it seems even more critical to start at a higher number so that annual increases are in step. Just not sure how to approach it!

  17. Shop for/with me – younger brother graduating college, looking for a flattering dress that will look nice in family photographs, probably with short/cap sleeves, leaning towards fit and flare with a defined waist but will consider a sheath. I don’t mind showing my legs if it is a little shorter.

    True size 14, but I’ve lose about 20# this year so may lose another 10 or so before this event.

    I look best in reds, but open to a fun pattern or something that will photograph well. I’ve been looking at Adrianna Papell but haven’t found anything I love. Prefer <$75.

    1. Check out Kiyonna. I love their various dresses (especially wraps)–they’re insanely flattering and can adjust up or down when you’re losing weight.

    2. Look at the ottoman ribbed dresses on the Nordstrom website – they have some seamed sheath dresses with sleeves that are really cute, including one in a bright red. I think the brand is Halogen. Price is $99 or so.

    3. I had a similar spec when searching for my dress for graduation this summer and have ordered the Maggie Ottoman Dress from Boden – it should arrive today so I’ll let you know how it is.

  18. If you share finances with someone, and that person were hit by a bus today would you be able to manage your finances on your own on a basic level? Do you know what bills you normally have and how they are paid? Do you know who does your taxes, if you get them done by a professional? Do you know what bank accounts and investment accounts you and your partner own?

    If not, go home tonight and figure it out.

    A good friend of mine lost her husband suddenly two months ago and is panicking because he handled the money and she doesn’t even know who has been doing their taxes for the last fiver or six years and doesn’t know what accounts they have. It is a disaster in an already horrible situation.

    Sometimes I wish I could start a financial education service to help people in situations like this.

    1. Amen. A million times. My mom manages the money, from taxes to day to day bills and my dad never handles anything.

      She got really sick and was in critical condition in the hospital for several weeks. It was awful and traumatic, but bills still needed to be paid.

      I never realized how BAD it really was until then. I remember my dad looking at a bill looking bewildered/scared/lost/embarrassed, because he didn’t know what to do. He had never written a check before, didn’t know what bank they used, let alone what retirement funds they had or life insurance. Thankfully, my mom is super organized so I was able to go through it and pay the bills and keep everything afloat, but if I hadn’t been there, my dad would have been utterly helpless.

      And I’ve known too many where the partners DID die and people didn’t know how to access life insurance policies or 401ks (or that they even existed).

      My experience made me a bit obsessive. I keep a “financial management” binder with every bank account, credit card, 401K, IRA, car titles, bill due dates, insurance policy and bond listed with instructions on how to access, so that if I’m dead, my husband can figure it out or, if we’re both dead, our next of kin can access it.

      1. Oh, and as unsexy as it sounds…schedule a money date night every month or every quarter, whatever works for you. Review savings and retirement accounts, go over services and bills, talk about goals, etc. It can work wonders in keeping you on the same page and informed if god forbid, something were to happen.

        1. +1!

          Highly recommend this! I do a quick review mid-month alone, and we do a bigger review together at the end of the month.

    2. I manage our bills and investments and I have a “If I Should Die” binder. It has the most recent (OK, hopefully less than 6 months old) statement for each of our accounts, including checking, savings, retirement, life insurance, college savings and the like. I don’t worry about someone paying the bills-they will always find you, but I do want my husband to know what assets and life insurance we have!

    3. This happened to a friend of mine too. He died suddenly and she had no clue about their finances. Turns out he didn’t have life insurance but he did have a secret account that had a sizable amount of money.

        1. Not sure exactly. Her parents tore the house apart looking for documents because she had absolutely no clue where anything was and he didn’t organize his/their files at all. I assume that’s how they found it. But they might’ve discovered it when they were talking with the bank.

  19. I asked this late on the morning thread (and asking it late here too) but reposting in hopes of more responses…

    Do you ladies have any recommendations for a dermatologist in the South Bay or close to SOMA in SF? Hoping to find someone either close to home or close to work.

    Thanks!

  20. I’d love to hear from any of you who have experience with weight loss surgery. My sister just decided to have it done, and I’m kind of reeling, on many fronts, not least of which is because I’m about the same size as her and if she’s getting it done, what does that say about me? Especially because while I’m fat, I also feel really healthy and good about myself and confident? And how will this affect our relationship (and shared commiseration about weight loss, diet, clothes, exercise, etc.?) And why does she get to take the easy way out? I adore her at whatever size she’s at, but to be brutally honest, it will be hard to watch her lose 75 pounds when I’m working my butt off to lose 10.

    I am trying really hard to be supportive and not let any of my own emotional baggage get in the way of supporting her choices. Any thoughts/advice/reading suggestions/empathy from those of you with personal experience here?

    1. I don’t have a ton of advice with respect to your relationship with your sister… but my mom had weight loss surgery. On the plus side, she has way more energy and zest for life than she did at her heaviest. I worry about her less. She seems to be more engaged and active most of the time. I can barely keep up with her! But on the down side… she was overweight because she is/was an emotional eater. Weight loss surgery did not change that. It didn’t change the life circumstances that got her to that point. And those circumstances haven’t changed at all. But now she is physically limited in how much she can eat. So she eats fairly small quantities of really terrible food (like a couple bites of a pancake with 1/4 cup of syrup). She also can’t go out to eat with us at restaurants without having to use the restroom to purge some of her meal (because restaurant food is typically too rich to keep down). She also didn’t develop coping mechanisms for the life stuff that got her there and she struggles with realizing that weight loss surgery was never intended to fix all of life’s problems. And there’s been some disappointment and minor depression working through that.
      It’s mostly been a very positive thing for her- and I love seeing how her weight loss has impacted the way she interacts with her grandkids- but it wasn’t a fix-all and I wish she’d been more prepared for that reality.

    2. Me! Me!

      I had a vertical sleeve gastrectomy six years ago (wow! my surgiversary came and went last month and I didn’t even think about it!) and I have never looked back! I wasn’t all that big in the scheme of weight-loss-surgery things, but I had yo-yo dieted my whole life and it has been a total game-changer for me. I would do it again in a red-hot second.

      Your sister gets to take the easy way out because it’s available to her and why on earth shouldn’t she? I always say “high five for the easy way!” There is no moral high ground here. My feeling is that this is a tool that’s available and I happily took advantage of it in the same way that I use a washing machine rather than hauling my clothes down to the river and washing them by pounding them on the rocks.

      Also, I would say that for me, at least, it was less “the easy way out” than “the only way out.” I could not maintain significant weight loss to save my life, over a period of 40-plus years. The surgery leveled the playing field and gave me a fighting chance. I feel far, far more “normal” now than I ever did pre-surgery, but I also am careful about what I eat and I’m at the gym most days. It is absolutely possible to eat around any weight loss surgery and gain all the weight back.

      I always say that losing the weight was so odd because on the one hand, everything is different now that I am smaller and more conventionally acceptable-looking. And on the other hand, to the exact same extent, everything is exactly the same. I am still me and I still have each and every hangup that I ever had. Both of those things, existing together 100%, side by side. It’s crazy.

      And finally, it doesn’t say anything about you. This is her, and her body, and her journey. I’m sure it will be hard for you but please try to keep in mind that she’s not doing it because of anything about you. And she will really appreciate your support as she goes through this process.

      1. Thanks so much for this. Did you find that the surgery had any impact on your metabolism? For example, if you had the surgery, lost weight, and regained some, did the surgery make it even harder to lose the regained weight? Just trying to understand the consequences of this.

        1. My surgery involved having most of my stomach removed so it is very small. That’s all. So I can’t eat much. I only had about 50 pounds to lose and it took me a full year. It was hard, hard, hard. I have regained a little and it’s been hard, hard, hard to lose it but generally six years out I’m about 10 pounds up from my lowest (probably too low and only for a minute) post-surgery weight, maybe 5 pounds below my highest post-surgery weight, and about 3-4 pounds above my original goal weight. I’m happy with my size (still fit comfortably into all my pretty clothes) although I’d like to lose those 3-4 pounds. Is it harder to lose than before surgery? No, because I don’t have all the mental craziness and food obsession I used to have. Is it harder than immediately post-surgery? Yes.

          As for my metabolism, all I have to say is “what metabolism?” I’m in my late 50s and post menopausal and only 5’2″. I have pretty much every single thing lined up against me but I still made a success of it.

          Also, with all love and respect, I urge you to give your sister credit for making an informed decision and having a good understanding of the consequences. I think it’s great that you want to understand for your own benefit, but please don’t second-guess her decision. I guarantee you that every question you can think of, she’s thought of too and has gotten answers that satisfy her. So please don’t bug her about what-ifs.

          Almost everybody in my life (those I told, anyway — I kept it a secret at work for a very long time) thought I was crazy for having the surgery (“Oh, you’re not that big!”), and honestly I found that breathtakingly disrespectful. Everyone has since come around because obviously I’ve had a spectacularly good outcome, but really. This is not something that anybody does lightly and the Monday morning quarterbacks just make it harder. Not that you are doing or would do that. Just a heads-up because sometimes people speak before they think.

          1. I mean, maybe people thought you were crazy because weight loss surgery is basically medically-induced bulimia and doing that when there’s no medical reason for it *is* crazy. You’re not only choosing to undergo risky surgery for cosmetic reasons, you’re actually doing physical harm to your body for the sake of improving your appearance and not your physical health.

          2. I disagree. Most cosmetic surgeries have no medical benefits. People who get boob or nose jobs are undertaking surgery (which always carries risk) for the sole reason of looking better. Carrying extra weight can have health consequences. Isn’t weight loss surgery covered by insurance in some cases?

            I’m with SA, if someone has decided to get the surgery, she’s certainly gone over the details with her doctor and decided the benefits outweigh the risks. If you think it’s too risky and you’d never do it, then don’t. I don’t see the need to judge others for deciding what’s best for them.

          3. I’m not going to second-guess her (as I said below, just trying to understand here so I can support her in person). One last question, if you have time for it: I am curious about how the surgery changed what you called your “mental craziness and food obsession.” Any thoughts on how that happened? I guess I feel like some of my weight is because I’m hungry all the time, but some of it is because when I’m bored or sad, I want a “treat” to make my day more fun. I’m trying to understand how surgery curbs the second kind of eating.

            Thanks again for sharing here. I really do appreciate this dialogue. (And I’m not the “bulimia” commenter at 7:03, either.)

          4. I don’t know where you’re getting the “bulimia” thing. I just eat less. No vomiting involved.

          5. OP, I’m late seeing your 7:38 post so I hope you see this, but my surgery removed the part of my stomach that produced ghrelin, the “hunger hormone.” Before I was always thinking about food and the cookies were always calling to me, you know. And now I can keep a bag of candy or a box of cookies in the house for weeks and it barely whispers. It’s like a miracle.

            Oh, and I can’t believe I forgot this. The very, very best resource I found on the internet is http://www.obesityhelp.com. They have forums and resources for each kind of surgery and it’s a gold mine of information.

    3. It says that you need to consider why you are so judgmental of her efforts not to be obese. It says you two need to find things to talk about other than weight. Weight loss surgery isn’t easy!! Nothing about your post reads as you feeling good about yourself.

    4. Well, people, even siblings, can be vastly different. For instance, I’m very overweight, but I have excellent blood pressure, cholesterol, and levels.

      My brother is thin, but has horrific cholesterol and lipids and needs medication.

      Your sister at her current weight may be experiencing health issues that you are not–heart problems, diabetes, etc. People at the same weight and height can handle it in very different ways. If you exercise, eat well, are testing well and FEEL good, that’s a good indication that it’s very different than her experience.

      Weight loss surgery is no picnic, it’s no guarantee, and it has plenty of risks, so I wouldn’t think of it as the easy way out–it just might be medically necessary for her.

      1. I really appreciate all of your comments. Just as a point of clarification, though: it’s not medically necessary. According to her doctor, she is in “perfect health.” No diabetes, heart issues, joint problems, etc. She’s basically the poster girl for “health at any size.”

        1. At the risk of beating a dead horse, this is a decision she gets to make for herself for any reason she chooses. I didn’t have any health issues, either, but I had a long and sad history with my weight and it was important to me to lose it for reasons that were mine and nobody else’s. If she chooses have this surgery and her surgeon is down with it, nobody else gets to evaluate her reasons and decide if they’re good enough or legitimate enough or whatever. Her body, her choice.

          1. I agree entirely. That’s why I’m asking questions and sharing feelings here, on the anonymous internet, instead of with her. Trying to get my head on straight about all of this so I can support her.

    5. A good friend and I both started weight loss at 260 pounds. She is shorter than me, but, still. She had bypass. I did paleo.

      She had a tummy tuck last month. I am still grinding at getting the last 20 off, 4 years later. I regret not taking the surgery route because I live in constant fear of regain.

      But she has a saying. “What was done was worthwhile.” So I can’t look back now.

  21. I realize it’s a little late in the day, but I was wondering if anyone has recommendations for reproductive endocrinologists in DC? Unfortunately, it looks like I just had my second miscarriage in 5 months (going to see my OB tomorrow to confirm). But I think it’s probably time to see an RE/fertility doctor at this point. Any suggestions on specific doctors or just next steps to take — would be greatly appreciated!

    1. Preston Sachs at Columbia Fertility in Foggy Bottom. Great bedside manner, data-driven approach. Never felt like a number and he helped me get and stay pregnant. good luck!

    2. I’m so sorry for your loss.

      I think going to an RE is smart, but I would also go ahead and request that your OB get started on repeat loss panel while you’re waiting to get in to the RE. Some OBs make you wait for 3 MCs but I would push. Mine had no problem doing it for two. For an RPL panel they’ll take something like 12 or 13 vials of blood and results may take a few weeks. My RE relied on the tests run by my OB and didn’t re-run the panel. Having those results already, plus an analysis of my partners contribution, shall we say, helped my first RE appointment to be very focused and I got an action plan right away.

      Crossing my fingers for you that this is something discrete and fixable. Please be gentle to yourself in the meantime.

    3. I had 4 miscarriages and also ended up with all the healthy kids I wanted. I just wanted to throw that out there to give you some hope. I had lots of tests and they did discover a few potential issues, but nothing definitive that caused the miscarriages. With close early monitoring and some interventions that may or may not have made a difference – who knows – I ended up with several healthy pregnancies.

  22. Hoping to get some responses — I need to figure out where to stay in ATL for a wedding, so I’d fly in Friday afternoon/evening and leave Sunday afternoon. The wedding is in the burbs, and I’m told the less “suburban” places to stay are Midtown or Buckhead. In midtown I’m looking at the W or Renaissance. In Buckhead, I’m not sure but it seems like the hotels are all along one street where the Four Seasons is. Question is — is either of these areas walkable in any way? I’ll have transport to/from the wedding, but I’ll have Friday evening in town as well as Sat. evening bc it’s a daytime event but ends too late for me to get a flight home. I’d love to be someplace where I could walk a few city blocks, get a flavor of the city, grab coffee and sit etc. Is one of these areas better than the other? In Buckhead it looks like there a LOT of stores near the hotels — but on a map at least it looks like malls/strip malls — is that accurate? I’d rather get a flavor of the town, not just go to Nordstorm which I can do anywhere. Thoughts?

    1. Midtown, hands down.

      Walking around in buckhead is….. blech. Buckhead is like a long strip mall with lots of traffic. Midtown has Piedmont Park (a very ATL place to be), good restaurants (which, to be fair, buckhead has too, but you won’t find a cheesecake factory in midtown), trees, the High museum, its close to the beltline.

      1. +a million. I just spent most of my week in Buckhead for work and haaaated it.

    2. Midtown is very walkable. Buckhead is too, but almost everything there is an upscale chain you’d find in any wealthy area unless you have a car or are willing to mass transit to the non-chain places (most of them are on the west side). I’d stay in midtown and go to the High, which usually has a good traveling exhibit.

    3. The Four Seasons is in Midtown – do you mean the Ritz? That’s in Buckhead next to the Phipps Plaza mall.

      Either way, stay in Midtown. I live in Midtown and often go a full week without getting in the car. Tons of restaurants, Piedmont Park, the Beltline…no contest.

    4. Where in the burbs is the wedding? FWIW, when I am there visiting family I didn’t find either Buckhead or Midtown to be particularly walkable – giant 8 lane streets etc. My relatives live in Virginia Highlands which has a nice little street with shops etc., and they used to live near Emory which is similar (in Decatur).

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