Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Megan Dress

252 Comments

1. Hmm, something seems off about this dress – I think maybe it needs a belt?

   I have a suggestion for this site. I think it would be really cool if it featured interviews or a “day in the life” series with professional, hardworking women. The interviews that you see in Fortune or wherever else tend to be for the really well-known superstars (Marissa Mayer, Oprah, whomever), but it would be so awesome to get a peek into the life of a partner at a law firm, a surgeon, a director in business, etc. – basically any “ordinary” professional women. It would be interesting and fun to see how they manage their days, what their goals are, how they dress for the job, how they balance family life, etc. I appreciate this site and this great community of women, but I don’t think anyone would miss cutting out some of the fashion finds posts (Suit of the Week, etc.) in favor of something a bit more substantive (like some of the other great topic posts about finances, family, grad school, etc). Just a thought!

   1. Man, no belt! I’m a pear with a tummy and I need least the illusion of a sleek vertical column. A belt = hot mess.

      It could stand to have added: some sort of non-delicate necklace or a non-solid scarf. Also a jacket or topper. My office A/C is on and it is maybe 68 inside (but it is in the 80s outside, so I’m huddling in a fleece now).

      And yes. IRL stories are good. My firm does them to spotlight working women. They are all very polished. I would prefer something a bit more candid (if I didn’t have a great nanny and local young retired grandparents, I’d be even more of a hot mess and I haven’t excercised to the point of sweating in 6 years and my mamogram is a year overdue and OMG my period is late).

      1. I think the problem with IRL stories is that it’s hard too find people willing to actually be candid this way. Maybe I’m just thinking from my own perspective but I wouldn’t feel comfortable disclosing everything that it takes to make my life look manageable on a public website for all the people I work with to see. I think unless you’re someone writing about work life balance or whatnot, being anything but polished would come with too much risk. Obviously there are exceptions, and there’s probably more give if you’re at a later point of your career and can say “this is what I dealt with…,” but then that becomes a different type of feature. I just feel like part of why this community works is the fact that you can be honest in your anonymity.

         I do enjoy the WSJ’s feature on what people wear at company X (although it’s always Prada shoes, Hermes belt, vintage necklace and a shirt by H&M) and maybe Kat could do something similar by featuring a real working woman’s weekly wardrobe or something along those lines. But even with that, I feel like lots of people, myself included, would never want to be openly associated with something like that for worry of not being taken seriously at work if they’re being showcased on a fashion blog.

         1. It could be anon though. It could just be A Day in the Life of a Litigation Partner at an AmLaw 100 Firm with 3 Kids…I don’t know why people’s names would have to be attached.

            1. Agreed — as long as Kat has done some vetting (even a completely fictionalized composite person), it would be an interesting read.

               I would expect the Prada / Hermes person to look awesome (but have seen it be a hot mess, too). But let me know what I can do with mall shops / mail order / etsy and consignment splurges.

            2. Agree. Some sites do this. Vault at one point had a day in the life feature where they had, for example, a mid-level corporate associate, a junior litigation associate, etc. There’s also a finance site, I forget the name, that has this for positions at i-banks, hedge funds, etc. When I talk to students through my schools’ alumni programs they’re always really interested in what my days look like. I find it fascinating to see what, for example, it’s like to be a software designer, or an ER doctor, or whatever else the women on this site do.

            3. Agree, too. I’m sure close friends could guess my identity based on an anonymous description, but they probably already know my dirt anyway. I wouldn’t be worried at all about being positively identifiable to a coworker or acquaintance. They might suspect, but there must be dozens of women with kids about the age of mine doing a job similar to mine in a city similar to mine, so plausible deniability would win out. The profiles certainly could have details obscured and still be really interesting and valuable.

               I’d love to read profiles like this!

            4. Irrelevant details could be changed too… a 9 year-old daughter could easily become a 9 year-old son without affecting the substance of the Day in the Life story.

      2. A long necklace would look great with this dress.

   2. What a fantastic suggestion! I’d love to read something like this. Ideally the emphasis would be on a “real” and “everyday” tone so that we see a real cross-section of professional women and get a glimpse of what their lifestyle is actually like.

   3. I would totally volunteer to do this. I wish things like this had existed when I was in college or law school. In fact I still wish things like this existed. I’m thinking it may be time for a change of career and leaving law entirely but I have no idea what else I would like to do. Higher ed administration has always sort of appealed, but I don’t know why, and I don’t actually know what those people do on a day-to-day basis.

      1. Same. Although I am not sure people would care to read about how I manage my life as a single, childless person!!

         1. Honestly, I would!

         2. Of course I would! What makes this kind of profile interesting (like the Sunday Routine section of NYTimes) is seeing how all kinds of different people live their lives.

         3. HA! Thanks all. :) I do a lot of (what I think are interesting) things. I also love learning about people – their stories, their interests – which makes something like this appealing to me on many levels!

         4. Life in the day of a single/married with debilitating illnesses but rocking it at work? I would love to read about that.

      2. This is such a fantastic idea! I would be so interested to read those posts and would be happy to contribute in an anonymized way!

   4. I would love that!! What a great idea!

      And I’d be totally ok with having details obscured, e.g., “‘Anna’, who works for an AmLaw 100 firm, is a 5th year associate in a financially-oriented practice group.” I don’t need to know those details to get an insight into her life.

      1. Great idea! I would love to read this!

      2. I would love to read profiles like this too — and would be in one as well.

   5. Eh, this site is like playboy – I don’t come here for the articles.

2. Any advice for moving to a completely different state? My husband and I are seriously talking and beginning to plan on leaving our jobs and moving. We have really good jobs at his dad’s family business, but we’re just not happy. It was fun when it was just my FIL, DH, and me and we were building the business, but it’s just not as fun anymore now that it’s established. It’s making tons of money and we can see the pathway of how we would build it over the next 20 years. But it’s not exciting and we get really stressed at least several times a week. We just got back from a vacation, and on the first day we already hated it again. I literally had been back in the office for less than five minutes yesterday and was ready to quit. My husband, whose the VP of the company, is especially burnt out. We can’t imagine doing this for the rest of our lives anymore.

   But at the same time we’ve spent a good chunk of time building up all of our relationships and standing in our industry and community. I’m really involved in the state industry associations (even just won an award for one of them), I’m on our city board, I’m in a leadership position in the community service club. If we leave, it seems like we just throw all of that away.

   We’re young (DH = 30, I’m 28), don’t have or want kids, and we have two dogs. Our debts: We own a house that is about 1/2 paid off, some land that has a mortgage of around ~20k, and a boat loan of ~20k. I think the house could probably sell in 3-4 months, but the land we’re definitely stuck with for a while.

   We want to move to Colorado, and are really attracted to Pueblo where it’s way warmer and sunnier than it is here (Wisconsin).

   My husband broke down and told his dad yesterday that he wanted to leave, which was a big scary step and now it just got a lot more real. I was excited and researching jobs and rentals all last night until I was getting ready for bed, when I started freaking out. I live 30 min from my parents, 15 min from my inlaws. I went to school in state. It feels so overwhelming and like we could be making a giant mistake. But at the same time, it feels like it maybe could be really awesome too.

   I don’t know what i’m looking for, reassurance, advice, maybe just to write and unload my brain..I feel like I’m vacillating between scared and excited, in control and out of control, by the minute.

   1. Could you look for new jobs without leaving? It sounds from your post like what you really hate are your jobs and not your locale. There are a ton of advantages to being close to family, even if you don’t want kids. Especially as they age, being close or able to get there quickly can be really important. If you’re set on moving out of state, I’d think seriously about focusing on cities from which you can fly non-stop to your parents/in-laws’ city.

      1. Actually we really don’t like the climate here. Like my husband really hates the winter. I tolerate it, but don’t love it. We’ve been sticking it out because we like being close to family, but there is really nothing about this area that we actually like. It always feels (and we’ve talked about to each other) that this is where we live because we grew up here, not because we picked it.

         Good advice about looking into where the closest flights are – I hadn’t thought about that. And thinking about our parents as they age is another thought, too, although we both have siblings who seem to be in the area and neither set of parents has retired or are in bad health.

         1. Colorado definitely has a real winter. I’m sure it’s not as bad as Wisconsin and Pueblo may be significantly warmer than Denver, but friends in Denver were whining about a huge snowfall a week ago while we were enjoying sunshine and temps in the 70s in my part of the Midwest.

            1. That’s part of the reason that we’re avoiding Denver. I actually think I’d really like Denver as a city/area to live, and there are definitely more job opportunities there. But snow….ugh. From what I understand Pueblo is much more temperate – still has seasons, but warmer overall, less snow, and 73% of days are sunny. I do like seasons, I just would like to avoid 5-6 months of cold/snow/winter.

            2. I live in Denver. Pueblo is one of the least desirable places in Colorado to live. Check out the crime rate compared to Denver and other areas in Colorado. What makes you want to live in Pueblo?

            3. We have 300 days of sunshine a year in Denver. The weather is spectacular in my opinion. We got 1.5 feet of snow last weekend and it was 75 degree on Thursday and all the snow was melted. Spring in Denver is crazy but I love it.

            4. Anon 11:52 – I saw the crime states about Pueblo last night, but also read that it really all comes from one part of town (the east side). We live in a rural, very drivable area right now. I like not having to deal with a lot of traffic. How is Denver traffic?

               Anon 11:58 – Good to know about Denver sunshine! I think Denver is definitely not off the table.

            5. Honestly, I used to live in Denver (for a short time) and thought the traffic was fine. Yes, the major interstates back up during rush hour, like they do in pretty much every city everywhere. Is it as bad as traffic in major east coast cities? Not even close. Seriously, you can DRIVE into the city to go out to dinner and find ample street parking in all the desirable locations, which I would never attempt where I live now. I took the light rail in Denver once and there was no point with it so easy to drive all over the city. If you live near your office, I don’t think it is a big deal.

               Also, to reassure you, Denver is usually pretty warm and sunny in the winter – but it does snow!

               If you really want to move to Pueblo, Colorado Springs has a closer airport (~40 mins) that is small but not miniscule. I would advise spending some time in Pueblo before deciding to move there. As the other commenters said, there’s not much of a draw there.

            6. Laura, Denver traffic is terrible….but it’s only as terrible as you make it. I live in a suburb of Denver and I don’t deal with traffic because I’ve built my life that way. I live 5 minutes from work. My gym, grocery store and anything else I need is within a 10 minute radius. I don’t drive downtown during rush hour, it’s not worth my time. People complain about the traffic in Denver but they are the ones that put themselves in the position of having to deal with it. I have a friend that lives in Golden (west of Denver near the foothills, it’s beautiful). They spent $600k building their dream house. It’s a beautiful house….but it takes them an hour each way to get to work in traffic each day. Is that worth it??? Not for me. It’s a case of work where you live. Have you been to the Denver area? If not, you should visit. I absolutely love it here.

               To be honest I’ve never spent any time in Pueblo, only driven through. It’s known as a gross town around Denver with high crime. Definitely check it out for yourself. I don’t know what drives the economy there…I think there were many O&G operation there but those are down the tubes now.

      2. +1 Availability of non-stop flights matters so much. Elderly parents will be able to visit much for easily as well. Even a three hour direct flight makes a long weekend at home doable. But a 5 hour trip (two hour flight, hour layover, 2 hour flight) makes it so much less likely you will visit.

         This goes double for anywhere with lots of snow because snow makes flights connections that much more precarious.

         1. If you stick close enough to Denver, you can get pretty much anywhere directly since it’s a major hub and a primary United hub. The airport is fantastic in snow too- we’ve taken off in storms I thought would ground plans for sure!

            1. Yeah but Pueblo is two hours from Denver. Adding a two hour drive onto a direct flight sort of eliminates the benefits of a direct flight (I say this as someone who lives 2 hours from ORD, so I’m in a similar situation – I can go anywhere non-stop, but when you add the drive in it’s not a short trip).

            2. Yep, Pueblo is two hours from Denver, and the closest major airport to our hometown is three hours. So it’d be five hours of drive time even without the flight/airport time. Not great, and something I hadn’t considered. We have a couple smaller regional airports around; I’m going to check out if any of them do direct flights.

            3. Pueblo is much closer to Colorado Springs which has a decent size airport. Check the carriers and routes to see if there’s service to your hometown.

               That said, you need to spend time in Pueblo before you move there. Everything that’s been mentioned about Pueblo is true. I live in Denver and love it here, but hubs and I daydream about Santa Fe….even Albuquerque would be a million times preferable (to me) than Pueblo.

   2. Do it. Nothing says you have to stay. But what you have now isn’t making you happy. If you were planning on kids my answer would be different, but if you don’t need grandparents nearby and if you’re a short flight away (I live an hour flight from my parents and just me flying to see them is cheap and easy — bringing my traveling circus with me…is not) then that’s less of a concern. Why not start job-hunting? If one of you gets a job that you can both live on, rent a place and go! If no jobs pan out, or if you get there and are miserable in a year or two, move back. Your connections will still be there.

      1. Thank you for saying this. The braver part of me keeps telling myself this, so its reassuring to see someone else say the same thing!

         1. Yes, do it! I haven’t lived within 15 minutes of my parents since I graduated high school, and pre-kids, and I moved to different states several times. There’s nothing more exciting (and scary, yes) than starting over somewhere totally new, and if you even *think* you might like it, you owe it to yourself to try once. The world is small, and if you and your parents and in-laws are financially secure, you will still see each other as much as you want to. I agree with the suggestion to try to stick close to a major airport, though, for convenience. You’re in a unique situation with the family business waiting for you back in your home base, so you can try something different with a ready fall-back plan if it doesn’t work out for whatever reason. Look for jobs, and if one of you finds something promising, just go for it.

   3. It sounds like you’re financially secure, so does the idea of buying a vacation property in Colorado appeal to you? Where you could begin to build ties in a community and really get a sense of what life would be like there before walking away from everything?

      Would simply more time off help?

      Are there aspects of this job that could be done remotely from your new Colorado vacation home?

      More than once in life, I’ve had a “I want to chuck it all and start over feeling,” but if I dig deeper into what I’m feeling, it’s often about something else. What about talking with a career coach? It sounds like you aren’t quite sure what else you want to do, so maybe having an outsider ask some questions could help.

      All that said, maybe I’m projecting, but I sense a feeling of suffocation with having the rest of your life all planned out. I get that, too.

      1. Interesting questions. I know people do it, but vacation property seems like a headache to me. Owning something to only enjoy it 1-2 weeks a year isn’t appealing to me, and our jobs wouldn’t allow us to do more than 2 weeks away at a time.

         Which leads to time off. We just took 6 days off (so 10 day vacation with weekends), felt great, and then got back and were immediately overwhelmed again. DH takes a lot of time off for his hobbies (split up between long weeks, probably around 5 weeks a year total) but still ends up in the same spot.

         As for working remotely, probably not. For DH, definitely not, since he is a master electrician/technician. I do sales/project management. All of it involves being on site a lot. We will probably help

         My husband wants to go into a new industry, where he’ll probably take at least a 50-60% pay cut to get started. But I really believe that it’s what he wants/needs to do, will make him happier, and that he’ll succeed in it. I can imagine starting a business with him doing it one day. But in the meantime I need my own career. Career coach is an idea for me, because I really don’t know exactly what I want to do. A yoga teacher sounds pretty great, but also doesn’t sound like a real job that can sustain both of us. I have some industry contacts that have contacts in Colorado, but I don’t really know if I want to stay in our industry. I didn’t think I wanted to do sales anymore, until I found a sales/event planning job last night that I think could be kind of great. I think I don’t want to do outside sales/cold calling anymore. Thinking about this is helping, so maybe a career coach is a really good idea…

         1. He takes FIVE WEEKS off a year for a hobby?!? That’s amazing and I think you are undervaluing that time. I’d stick with good job and family but rearrange. It’s a family business, family knows you aren’t happy, so why not propose that you take 2 weeks off a quarter to go to your vacation house? Worth a shot before you quit entirely.

            1. Yeah, the five weeks for the hobby (competitive bass fishing and some hunting, but mostly fishing) would go away, but he seems on board with taking a break from that. He even is tossing around selling the boat (since it might end up in storage anyway), although I’m not 100% sure that’s a great idea.

               Interesting idea to take 2 weeks off a quarter; had not considered this. Not sure what that would do for overall moral or what FIL would think about this. Maybe I’m looking at this too black and white, but it really feels like we should be all in for building the business and be here, or be doing something else. I do think that our unhappiness is demotivating, and that we can’t take care of our customers as we should when we are unhappy with the job. And then the business doesn’t grow. The last thing we want to do is to slow down the business, and since we’re the primary faces for customers and vendors, it worries us that we will.

            2. I think it’s worth exploring. Being all in doesn’t have to mean being there all the time. It can mean figuring out a way to be able to have boundaries and keep your enthusiasm.

         2. Wanting to chuck it all and be a yoga teacher is probably the dream of well over half of the women on this blog. And there are a few out there who can do it. But I feel like this is a not a realistic or sustainable goal. Esp. if your husband is simultaneously chucking it all to start something new. This only works if the sale of your interests in your current business make you independently wealthy. Sorry, but it’s true.

            1. +1

            2. My dream is to be Patsy to someone’s Edina.

            3. Oh, I totally agree. Yoga teacher is not a real possibility – I was being sarcastic/wishful with that line. My actually real dream if-I-win-the-lottery (that I don’t play) is to own a bookstore with a smoothie bar connected to it, and a yoga studio on the second floor. And to film skydives every weekend. Total pipe dream, not super useful to think about in this case.

   4. Not saying you should or shouldn’t do it, but I would just comment that a lot of jobs aren’t “fun” or “exciting” and may cause you to “get stressed several times a week.” Maybe your dream is to move to Pueblo and work for someone else as a outdoor guide or something, which I suppose would hit all of those requirements, but most other jobs, esp. those that pay well, will likely cause you all the problems you’re running from.

      1. That’s part of my husbands worry – he’s concerned that he’ll just end up unhappy in a different job in a few years. And I get that professional jobs with high paying salaries are going to have stress/responsibility. But we were happy and excited about our jobs (especially the building a business part) five years ago, and found them really fulfilling. I’ve got to believe that we can have that again, but I don’t see it happening with these jobs. And if we’re leaving the family business, I think we’d really kick ourselves in a year or two if we didn’t move somewhere more temperate at the same time.

         1. If what you love is building a business, then definitely the idea of selling your interest and building another business is worthwhile to consider. I’d think long and hard about the idea of doing it in a new area with which you are not familiar though first.

            1. Why not build a branch of the business in Pueblo? You both have the skills to do that and if you get it to the point where you could walk away again, you could move to another new place.

            2. Syndey Bristow – we’ve thought about doing that, and we definitely could do this. We’re confident that we could expand our rep agreements and use a lot of our contacts that we’ve developed, and it might be fun to do it in a same area. But we’d still be working with the same type of customers, which is a big drag on my husband. And we’d still be under the umbrella of the family business, which TBH doesn’t feel like ours 100% (obviously, because it’s not…). And we do have an itch for creating something that is solely ours. It would also be nice to have real/normal relationships with my inlaws, who we are very close to, and take out the employer/partner/employee aspect. That’s not a huge driving factor, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a challenge at times.

            3. What about a similar business? I used to work in a related field. If your current business focuses on commercial work, what about building a new one focused on residential, or vice versa. In my experience there was some overlap of customer types but not totally. Likewise, especially if you switched to commercial, it could be beneficial to live in or close to a bigger city like Denver.

               You could do this outside of the family business. I totally get that desire.

   5. I couldn’t take Pennsylvania any more (winter makes me cry), so my husband and I moved to Florida. our families were furious, but we had to do what worked for us.

      I’m a billion times happier here! It’s easier to de-stress after work when it’s warm and there’s palm trees

   6. I’ve read the comments and I wasn’t going to say anything, but I came back because it was bugging me. I’m a big promoter of you-do-you, so if at the end of the day you decide to leave the business, that’s what you need to do – but I want to put a few things out there to you.

      I, too, own a business with my family. I’ve gone through periods where I was loving what I was doing and some where I hated going to work every day, and it hasn’t necessarily been a linear path from love to hate and back again. My family works incredibly well together (most of the time) because over time we’ve been able to recognize our flaws and figure out how we need to interact to survive being around each other all the time. We’ve had to institute some rules – no talking business outside of the business or maybe at the bar, if we go for a drink specifically to discuss something. But at my parent’s home, at holidays, on the weekend – nope, we act and behave like a family and not like business partners. That wasn’t something that was natural. We had to talk about it and really work at it until it became second nature.

      I would really recommend two taking time to re-evaluate both of your roles within the company, with each other, with your father-in-law, with your board. Is there a job there you would rather be doing? I’m guessing your FIL isn’t aware of the level of unhappiness, and he would probably want the opportunity to work things out so you stay AND are happy. I’ve found that as my family has evolved into our business, we have all kept things on our plates for far too long. If you don’t make a point to come together and completely re-evaluate, re-organize and re-delegate, you’re going to get stuck with all of the junk that stresses you and zaps your creativity. Second: what is your FIL’s current succession plan, and how would your leaving change things? Succession planning convos are some of the hardest conversations to have, but they’re also the most important for your family to build understanding so you can move forward.

      Lastly, and trust me on this one, go get yourselves a therapist. I got this advice from a friend several years ago as I went into the family biz, thought it was looney for a couple years, and then he reminded me of it and it’s changed everything. Do it whether you stay with the family business or go. If you and your husband are going to be working together, you need a third party you can talk privately with to completely lay it all out there to, who can help you think through feelings and situations you’re going to encounter. I’d be willing to bet some of your unhappiness comes from things you’ve just felt like you can’t say to family (this was my problem for a while). I’m so much happier and never feel the urge to dump work problems all over friends/bf. Say it to someone else who can work you through it and is going – and who, in fact, you pay – to keep it all completely confidential.

      1. I just came back to catch up on the comments and THANK YOU for your comment. There are so few people who really get what working in a family business means, so I really appreciate that there is someone out there who does get it. I identify so much with a lot of what you said. A lot of the things you’ve said are really tried and true principles that have worked for us for so long (no work talk at homes/holidays/weekends, reorganizing, even therapy). We’re double-downed on these kind of rules as it’s crept back in a few different times, but I think we’re both just tired of it. It’s not just working with family that is the problem; its working with family, the constant customer service/being on-call, the climate, actual non-interest in the actual industry/projects, and an itch for something different than what we’ve always done that is driving this.

         Succession planning – it definitely was the plan to have DH take over, although he has a sibling who isn’t working here full time, but her husband is, that complicates the picture. If we stayed, I would think that my FIL would retire in about 10 years and DH and I would take over running it, with DH as president. And then we’d have about 15 years left before we could retire early, which we’re on track to do. The early retirement thing really sucks to give up. But honestly, the thought of doing this here for 25 more years, even though I’m young and will obviously have to work that long (probably longer) anywhere, is really really depressing. Do I really want to waste 25% of my life in a job/place that I really dislike? I just don’t think it’s worth it.

         1. I don’t know if you’re still reading, but it sounds to me like you actually have a really great thing going. I would try to make it work in the ways that this poster suggests. It’s my personal opinion that you will regret giving this – and all of the associated benefits – up.

3. I’ve had the Mirena IUD for 8 months. Spotted/cramped almost every day for 4 months, then has been much less of that until this month, when the cramping has started again almost every day. Not so bad that I can’t function, but stressful, and I’m wondering if others have had this situation? If I should wait it out or just write it off as a failed experiment? And I thought the IUD was such a smart decision…

   1. It seems like every woman I know has reacted differently to IUDs (sort of like most BC I guess!). I feel like I kept my Mirena too long because I was afraid to switch to Paragard even though I was having a tough time with Mirena. But I switched to Paragard and loved it instantly. So before you totally give up the IUD experiment, I recommend trying Paragard. And my insurance covered the switch so that was awesome.

      1. Huh. Paragard was my original first choice but I went with Mirena because it was supposed to make your periods better instead of worse. I didn’t have bad periods before, though.

         When you say you were having a tough time with Mirena, did you mean you were also spotting and/or cramping, or something else?

         1. I had cramping off and on (extreme in the first few months) and spotting still a year later. I also had other side effects, like a decreased s3x drive, which was (obviously) a super bummer. It was also an extremely painful insertion.

            I was afraid of Paragard for the heavy period issue as well, and I have had bad ones in the past. But honestly from insertion – which was almost painless and over in a second – I had cramps for like a day or two and then was pretty much good from then on. I did have real periods, unlike Mirena, but it was worth it for a) no or extremely limited spotting and b) zero other side effects. I did not experience cramping at all, which was awesome.

            I know it varies from person to person, but I honestly wish I had begged off Mirena months sooner. Extra bonus – when we decided to try to get pregnant, that can happen instantly with taking out the Paragard since there were no hormones.

            1. Sounds a lot like me, though luckily my s3x drive seems unaffected. And the Mirena insertion was super easy for me–the months of cramping/bleeding have been the real problem. Thanks, you’ve given me something to think about and I’ll at least ask my doctor about it when I see her. Also I’m glad I’m not the only one who has experienced something like this, which always makes me feel paranoid.

            2. I totally get it – googling anything about people’s experiences with IUD is an exercise in self-terrorization.

   2. Wow, that’s too bad! I’ve had it for 2 years and have had minimal spotting — and no per1ods! — after the first 2 weeks. Have you talked to your doctor?

      1. Not for a while (I had a few decent months and stopped bothering her at that point)…but probably should. She is really pro-IUD.

   3. I had the same issue (I also started losing my hair) and had the Mirena removed. I had previously expelled a Paragard, but I would actually do Paragard again (a prior expulsion doesn’t increase your risk of a subsequent one, apparently), because the convenience was great and it was non-hormonal.

      1. Actually it’s comforting to know I’m not alone in this. Also, hmmmmmmm, my hair is thinner also, but I know it started a couple years before I got the IUD. Possible that it’s gotten worse, but I don’t think I have enough info to truly know.

         Hmm, another vote for the Paragard over the Mirena. Maybe I should consider switching…

         1. My experience with Mirena was FAR, FAR (like 1 million times) better than with Paraguard. I had each for approximately five years. I would never get Paraguard again. I had terrible cramps and a very heavy period every month whereas with Mirena my period stopped almost completely. I would have light spotting every now and then but no cramps. So maybe if Mirena didn’t work for you, then Paraguard will? I’m not sure if that’s how it works, but might be worth at least exploring with your doctor.

   4. I just had my Mirena taken out because it was in the wrong place! I would see your doctor and make sure that is not the case. I had a Mirena for about 2 years after my 1st was born and had no problems, didn’t get my period for forever, and then they were only light. Then after my 2nd I decided to go for it again. My periods started getting closer and closer together until they started coming all the time. It’s been out for 3 weeks and I appear to be finally returning to normal. But then again, as I mentioned, my hormones were all over the place because the Mirena was not actually in the right spot. Ugh, I never want to go through that again.

      1. Ahhhh…something like this is my fear. Glad you got it resolved, and I should go to the doctor to rule out similar things.

         1. Yes, they’ll just have to do an ultra sound to confirm that it is in the right position. Get it checked out. I wish I had gone to the doctor sooner!

   5. I have expelled two paraguards, and I had really bad experiences with the one that stayed in long enough to have any experience with it at all (the other was out within a week). Terrible periods, deathly cramps, bleeding for 4 months straight. I stuck it out for a long time because I was wedded to this “it’s the way smart ladies are doing BC now!” thing, and how everyone on the internet seemed to say it was so great. I went in for an ultrasound (t-v ultrasound, YUCK) to see if it had punctured my uterus. It had not, but it was on its way to being expelled. My body just DOES not like them. A friend had similar issues with a minera — never not bleeding. She had hers out too.

      Long story short — bodies are different, and just because it’s a good idea doesn’t mean it will work for you. Unfortunately.

      1. Yes, what I’m taking from this thread is that you can never really be certain how you’ll respond to an IUD like this until you try it (as scary as that is) because there’s simply no way to know if your body will react in the same way as you’ve read about on the internet.

4. Do other people have clean hardwood floors? My whole house has wood floors (old, lovely 19th century parquet), and they are just perpetually filthy. My bare feet are always black with dust. We have three dogs, which is obviously a huge contributor to the dirt, and live in Brooklyn so there is an onslaught of city dust. My husband is also an always-wearer of shoes. He does not take them off, ever.

   I sweep regularly. I use my Dyson on the floors once a week. I’ve used a microfiber mop but feel like it just smushed the dust around. So about 3x/week I use the swiffer wet pads. I have to go over the same area 2-3 times, with both sides of the mop pads, before they are not completely black. They never get completely dirt-free. How does so much dirt accumulate over a day or two? I am so tired of black grimey feet, especially now that it’s spring and I really prefer to go barefoot. How do I fix this?

   1. Your husband needs to start taking his shoes off. You could clean every day and still make no difference if he wears in his gross city shoes.

      1. My husband hates taking shoes off, but he has “apartment shoes” and “street shoes.” It keeps our 90-year-old wood floors much cleaner.

         1. This. I have all hardwood and tile and I have slippers that never leave the house and that I put on immediately upon walking into the house. I have cats and a dog and I go to the barn three times a week, but because I switch shoes right at the door, my floors don’t get that dirty.

      2. + 1 — even just to avoid tracking in pesticides (rat poison, roach spray) and exposing your dogs to them.

         1. Eh, I’m team No Shoes in the House and pretty wary of pesticides in general, but unless you’ve trained your dog to use pee pads indoors, it gets exposed to all that stuff when it goes on walks. Lawns are where the pesticides are, and your dog is spending way more time on lawns than you are, presumably.

            1. Not in NYC

   2. We have a dog too so our floors are always dusty and have some dog hair on them despite the fact that I vacuum regularly, but we don’t have the black grime. I think that’s due to wearing shoes in the house. Make your husband take his shoes off.

   3. First step: DH stops wearing shoes in the house

   4. I have a steam mop that works well on my hardwood floors (and ceramic tile in the bathroom). You can use it with a wee bit of Murphy’s oil soap too, but most of the time I just use it plain. I don’t know if the Swiffer wet mop heats up or not, but the combo of steam and water seems to work really well on my floors.

   5. I have no idea, but I really think so much of it is the city! My boyfriend lives in a brand new building in Queens – he’s the first person in his unit – and when I wipe down the counters (I’m only there on weekends, so this is maybe a weekly event ;) ), the paper towel is covered in black grit. It really alarmed us both the first time we saw it (neither of us is from the city), but we’ve sort of accepted it as a part of city life.

   6. Fellow NYC dweller here. My floors are swiffered (dry and wet) a few times a week and also vacuumed at least once a week but I also like fresh air and cross ventilation so I’ve come to terms with the fact that black city dust is just going to be coming in. However, I don’t allow shoes to be worn inside the house.

      Also, the “grimey” feet might come from walking in the city in sandals (at least that’s where mine come from).

      1. If you keep your windows open at all, that black city dust will come in.

         And my husband hates taking his shoes off, but I either make him or have him change into “house shoes” because eww, city sidewalk stuff on my floors at home = gross.

   7. Would your husband be up for having indoor shoes he puts on when he gets home instead of tracking in city dirt? They could be either slippers or real shoes that just never go outside. (I think it’s unreasonable to insist he stop wearing shoes if that’s his thing.)

   8. We have hardwood throughout and do not have this problem at all. Dogs and outdoor shoes inside are the biggest problems. If you want to get rid of it:

      1. refinish floors
      2. vacuum everyday in main areas (or get a roomba)
      3. mop after vacuuming every third day
      4. no shoes in house – parquet is particularly bad for grabbing dirt from shoes because so many grooves in the floor (especially older floor)

      You can skip step 1 but it will really help if you can do it. Don’t bother refinishing if shoes will continue inside – buy yourself slippers and accept no bare feet. If Fiance has an issue with step 4 then can he have shoes that are just for inside that he switches to when he comes home?

   9. No shoes. Simple. Not hard once you get used to it. Otherwise, they need almost daily washing to maintain!

      This is tough, but ….. you should consider keeping your windows closed. With some types of city living, this may be needed if you live on a busy street with a lot of traffic, which often causes more dust in the air.

      Air purifiers. And vacuume them regularly and change the filters as recommended.

      Dyson for the edges/dust bunnies occasionally.

      Dry swifter/dust mop every week or two. Honestly, I leave mine out so I can do a quick touch up often.

      Don’t use wet swifter on wood. Murphy’s oil soap.

      Pay for a professional to clean, every 2 weeks.

      My parents live in a 100 year old house. For 40 years… No shoes. The floors are as gorgeous today, even nicer than they were 40 years ago, when my father refinished them himself. Our socks have been buffing them for 40 years.

      Wear socks.

   10. We have wooden floors and they’re clean. But we we Asian and don’t wear shoes at home. I find that gross, both from a cleanliness and cultural angle.

       Could your Husband change into flip flops/ bedroom slippers at home?

   11. I just found and used the Rejuvenate Floor restorer on our old wood floors (and the cabinet one on our cabinets) and I am very happy with the result. They are very shiny and that makes me think that when I clean I will get up more of the dirt? I also sweep and vacuum them every to every other day and weekly use the Hoover Floor Mate. Here’s the link to the restorer http://www.amazon.com/dp/B001L0EP4K/ref=ice_ac_a_t_dpn?ie=UTF8&qid=1461683902&sr=8-1-ac&keywords=rejuvenate+floor+restorer

   12. It could be that your floors need refinishing. If the finish is worn off, dirt gets embedded in the wood grain and cracks and it is hard to keep them clean. Sanding and sealing the wood surface with a fresh coat of poly will make a smooth surface that is easier to clean.

   13. Don’t use the Swiffer wet pads. Real hardwood shouldn’t get that wet. Get a true wood cleaner. I spray mine and use a large, flat mop with removeable pads.

   14. Roomba?

       1. Roomba.

       2. There’s a Roomba specifically for hardwood flooring now – the Braava. Bonus – it’s cheaper.

5. I work in a think tank and our group has someone who’s a research assistant/admin assistant/jr wonk (he does some substantive writing, but often under our names instead of under his own, so not really a policy analyst yet). Do we get him something for Administrative Professionals Day? I’m leaning toward no. (I hate this holiday. It’s so unclear who’s included and people are just as likely to be offended by being included as by being excluded.)

   1. I would say no. It’s really aimed at secretaries (at Big Law firms, paralegals are not normally included) and it doesn’t sound like he’s a secretary. I hate this day too.

      1. I used to be in a big firm and some attorneys gave paralegals on their teams gifts and some didn’t. I didn’t. And on my team one paralegal was p*ssed, and one wasn’t. On my friend’s team, she gave them all gifts and two were happy and one was angry. The happy ones told my paralegals and that resulted in the one unhappy one on my team. You cannot win with this holiday.

   2. A strong no vote here. He sees himself as a junior wonk, not your admin. Highlighting the admin part of his role will crush his pride. (It would mine! I’ve been in policy.) Worst possible outcome: he’ll think you don’t value his policy contributions and that he can’t get promoted there and will start looking for another position.

      1. +100 ALL OF THIS.

         As a former junior wonk who was given a gift on admin day, DO NOT DO IT. Really – giant slap in the face, regardless of now “nice” the gesture is intended to be. I was out of that job as fast as I could be.

         Thank him with positive reviews or financial rewards when appropriate and in the normal course of business,

   3. I think a good way of defining it is, can the person be promoted into a clearly non-admin role without additional education? It sounds like the answer is yes for this guy, so I wouldn’t define him as an admin. A true admin would normally need additional education or certification (e.g., a legal secretary would need a paralegal certificate) to transition to a non-admin job.

      1. No because he’d need an advanced degree to be promoted, not just the BS he has. As I said, I’m leaning toward “no.” The only reason I was unsure is that his title is “research and administrative assistant.”

   4. Would a giant breakfast of some kind for the office work? Just a general “thank you ALL for all you do” rather than YOU, jr wonk, are an admin.

   5. Maybe take him out for a mentoring lunch? Ask him about plans, what he wants from the position, future education, how you can help. Treat him like the upwardly mobile, driven person he is, but pay for lunch on admin day.

6. So I haven’t been able to make it to the gym in a few weeks but my calves are really tight and get sore at the end of the day. Also my ankle for some reason has been really sore on and off for the last couple months and starts to act up after a long day walking around for instance.

   Is this something that I could go see an RMT for? Or do I need PT?

   I really want to avoid seeing a doctor or PT if I don’t have to.

   Thanks all!

   1. Just stretch for a couple minutes in the morning, and then after work. Look up calf stretch online, or gastrocnemius stretch. Even just 2 minutes is helpful.

      Make sure you are wearing good shoes, in case this is stressing the situation. If you wear heels all the time, this can shorten/tighten the Achille’s tendon, and then this stretching is more important. Or you might find that walking in flats hurts, because your feet/heels are more comfortable in heels due to the shortening of the tendon.

      Hope that makes sense,

   2. What kind of shoes are you wearing? I’ve had similar problems when wearing flats that had become stretched out. I realized I was flexing my toes to keep them from slipping. Sore calves and an occasionally swollen ankle were the result. New shoes fixed the problem every time.

7. TJ: Can I get some advice, ladies? I’m in my early 30s and recently brought home someone for my family to meet. My interactions with my family have always been a little strained because I’m much better educated than anyone else in the family. (A PhD in a family of BAs). They’re both proud of me and really prone to infantilizing me as a way of coping with their discomfort. This problem is compounded by the fact that I’m the youngest child and daughter. My parents have been trying really hard to welcome my partner and treat him as an adult. Which is great! Except my dad does so by subtly treating me as less competent and more childish. It’s like he’s trying to create a bond with my bf by saying, “we’re all rational men here, unlike these silly women.” My boyfriend, to his credit, recognizes and doesn’t engage with this behavior. I understand why it’s happening. He’s uncomfortable with me having a partner; he’s uncomfortable with my education level; and he’s uncomfortable with my boyfriend’s educational level (also PhD) and wants to create a common bond. It’s just irritating me.

   Any advice on how to address this tactfully? We’re not big into talking about feelings, so I’m not sure how to address this in a way that won’t immediately be taken to reinforce the narrative of “men = rational, women = emotional.” Thanks!

   1. I’m not sure if there’s a tactful way to address this. Your Dad is clearly trying and I think he will likely be offended if you say something. The best way to stop it is to provide something else for them to bond over, especially one where your Dad feels comfortable and confident. It could be a hobby/discussion topic/car repair/navigating office politics – whatever.

      What interests does your Dad have? With my Dad, he loves it if DH asks him for advice about home repair/reno projects. Even if DH does something different/doesn’t take on the project it gives them something to talk about.

   2. Erm how do you know this is because of your education? This sounds like maybe your parents just don’t see you as an adult woman..

      1. That was my reaction too. My parents treat me this way and we all have advanced degrees. And honestly you sound a little snobby when you say you’re “much better educated” than them. BA/PhD isn’t THAT different. It’s not like you’re a PhD in a family of people who never went to college. I think the difference between college/no college is much greater than between college/advanced degree.

      2. Well, that’s part of it, too. But there’s a substantial difference in how they treat me and my other siblings, and it comes out really strongly whenever my work as an academic comes up. For example, I’ll tell them I’m going to a conference for work and they’ll start baby talking about what a big girl I am, but they’d never do that for my sisters. There’s a pretty long history of them at once validating and trivializing my academic pursuits. You’re going to have to trust me I’m not making up that dynamic. Bf noted it too.

         1. You’re the baby of the family though (and your dad’s “little girl”) – I think that has way more to do with the way they treat you than what degrees you have.

            I too bristled at the PhD vs. BA comparison. It was offputting.

            1. Sorry! I meant it as a way of giving background, not as a value judgment. It’s not just a question of “baby girl growing up” – it’s also a set of worries on their part about losing me to a different class and lifestyle, which I think makes it more understandable and more difficult to address. This is his way of trying to navigate that minefield.

            2. So, I think I figured out possibly part of why people are responding this way to your question. In your question you say your family doesn’t really talk about feelings. But here you’re saying that they’re worried about you having a different class and lifestyle. Have they told you that or do you think that’s what it is? It seems a little like you’re assigning their feelings to them.

            3. Yeah, I did some real eyebrow raising at that too.

               Particularly because “well educated” can be objective. I know plenty of PhDs who are actually really ignorant of the world, and people who didn’t go to college who are way more well-read and aware of what’s going on.

            4. Based on your other comments about shift in social class, my guess is that they sense your attitude/view about it and are reacting to that. I have friends who have PhDs who never talk about it in a way that gives off the vibe that they believe they are much more intellectual than people without PhDs (because it’s not necessarily true). Those are the PhDs I enjoy spending time with.

         2. Again, my guess is that you will feel a lot better about how they treat you if you stop viewing it as them being intimidated by you. They really aren’t – I promise! The education level comparison is a red herring. You are, and always will be, their child. It sounds like they are proud of you, and are a little silly. I get it! I know you want them to see your education/achievements and automatically see you’ve made it as an adult, but they will always view you as their last child. And, most importantly, you will never change their behavior, only yours. So change how you react to it – if they baby talk you about your conference, respond in the same voice “Hell yeah, I totally crushed it!”

      3. Agreed. This doesn’t sound remotely related to your education to me. Yikes! You sound really condescending :(

         1. +1 And sadly, like all my friends with PhD’s

         2. Well, it could be. I’m also a PhD, and I know this an issue with my mom because she makes snide/passive aggressive comments about it all the time and otherwise pokes fun at me in a not very joking way about it. Don’t know what exactly is going on here, but OP probably has some reason to assess this.

   3. “My interactions with my family have always been a little strained because I’m much better educated than anyone else in the family. (A PhD in a family of BAs).”

      Somehow I doubt it’s simply the different levels of education. I’m also not really sure that a PhD v. a BA necessarily constitutes “much better educated.” You obtained more education, sure, but a college education and a PhD are not so wildly different that it should strain family interactions…. I don’t even see how this is possible. It’s not like your family has never been exposed to institutions of higher learning and all of the social, cultural, and intellectual experiences that attend that. Do you really think that your family feels so stupid and uncomfortable around you simply because you pursued a PhD and they “just” got BAs that they let it color all of their interactions with you?

      1. Sorry, I should clarify. It’s not the degree that I think is the source of difference. It’s that in getting the degree I have moved into a different social circle. So we come from a lower middle class background where a degree is a degree. Its value is solely in getting you out of a working class job. I landed in a circle where the prestige of degrees matters. I’ve been given opportunities they haven’t because I’ve gone to institutions with more money. For example, I’ve travelled more, learned languages, lived abroad, etc. My parents are obviously proud that I’ve been able to have those experiences on various scholarships, but they create a rift. My education is tied to a shift in class, and that’s part of why it makes them uncomfortable. I think that the shift from lower middle class to middle class can be just as traumatizing for everyone involved as working class to middle class, in some ways.

         1. This social-circle distinction makes a bit more sense than the BA/PhD comparison. But I still think your comments show that the education hang-up is at least partly yours, and this is why you’re getting pushback. (And you should recognize that having a PhD has very little to do with the distinctions you’re describing here, like being well-traveled and speaking multiple languages–you’re conflating “having a PhD” with “being sophisticated”). You just sound condescending towards your family–that’s not to say that it isn’t in response to them condescending to you first, but something’s gotta give in these situations. Examine your own attitude and try to put your own dukes down. Make an effort to talk about things that everyone can engage with (surely not hard in a family of college-educated people). Don’t make a big point of highlighting what you see as your differences. I am willing to bet it will make a world of difference.

            Also, as a youngest child of two PhD-holding parents, let me just say: a) almost every adult starting out thinks their parents are less sophisticated than them, and they’re very often wrong and b) parents with PhDs also condescend to and baby their kids.

         2. For me, this followup cinches that your attitude is likely the problem, not your PhD. Neither of my parents went to college, but made a good living and were able to retire before 60. I’m an attorney, and my two siblings have a master’s and a PhD. I can’t imagine thinking we’re in a “better/higher” class than my parents. Zero effect on our relationships.

            1. +1 to ezt and HSAL. PhD does not equal “worldly and sophisticated.” These replies make it pretty clear that the problem is your attitude.

            2. Agreed.

               I mean, your parents likely worked very hard for you to have the opportunity to get advanced degrees, so maybe instead of condescension, approach them with a tone of gratitude?

               And as many people today rack up hundreds of thousands of debt pursuing degrees and can’t get a job, I wouldn’t say it makes you any smarter.

               i.e. my parents who were born broke didn’t go to college, but are extremely intelligent and absurdly successful and retired at 40.

      2. What? A PhD vs BA DOES constitute much better educated.

         1. Not really, especially if you’re talking about different generations. An advanced degree today is almost as prevalent as a college degree was in her parents’ generation and a college degree back then allowed access to certain jobs that today require an advanced degree.

            1. + 1 000 000

               OP clearly doesn’t realize that a B.A. today is like a high school diploma for her parents generation.

               Living abroad is also significantly more common than it was years ago due to increased air travel and ease of movement between countries.

            2. Yes really. <1.3% of Americans have a PhD.

            3. So it’s rare. That doesn’t mean people with PhDs are much better educated. Also, to the extent education is linked to the kind of sophistication and upper class culture that the OP seems to think it is, the broad liberal arts education that most people get through an undergrad degree is much more relevant than a PhD. A PhD is highly specialized training in a very narrow subfield. It obviously requires intelligence and dedication, but it doesn’t make you any more likely to be well-read or well-traveled or fluent in foreign languages than someone who “just” has a BA/BS.

            4. Lord, people, more education =/= better education, as a rule. That’s all anyone is trying to say.

               The fact that only 1.3 people in America have a PhD literally only means that.

               Any PhD logicians here? ANYONE?

            5. Are you completely out of your mind? Of course more education means better education holding all other factors constant.

            6. I completely disagree with you. More simply doesn’t equal better! I’m sorry but it just doesn’t. Have you never heard “quality over quantity”?!?!?!

            7. Have you ever heard of ceteris paribus? Clearly not.

         2. I think it is not that different in a non-resume way.

            Although my husband and his sibs went to Party U on the 6-year plan and one sib never finished even that. I have a BA from a different sort of school that I finished in 4 years with a lot of resume-things in my college experience (along with the beer). I am sick, sick of the Smarty Pants comments from the in-laws. We just worked differently for different things when we were very young. It doesn’t have to become a Thing.

            I used to work for an old-school chainsmoking newspaper guy who knew every last thing because he read all the time and was old enough to have been drafted and had seen a lot of the world. Educated? Very. Degree? No.

         3. Um, not necessarily? Because you say so? Did your PhD teach you this nuanced thinking? I agree that a PhD is clearly MORE education, and it’s fair to say that in a lot if not most circumstances a PhD holder is “much better educated” than someone with “just” a BA. but I certainly don’t think that it *necessarily* means that you are “much better educated” than someone with a BA, which is what I said, and what you chose to ignore. For example, is someone with a PhD in ancient Latin american arts “much better educated” than someone with an economics degree from a rigorous undergrad? And what is “much” better educated? At some point, the difference is less significant in the ways I pointed out, which are clearly the root of the issue with OP.* I’m just suggesting people think about what it means to be “better educated” than someone else simply because you have more letters after your name.

            *Based on her follow up posts, it seems like it’s not the education level itself but class/sophistication issues.

            OP- I suggest that you consider that your parents are not “traumatized” by your shift in “class,” but rather, that they probably just have a harder time relating to your experiences because they haven’t shared them. So they default to the fundamental thing you do share- you’re their daughter.

            If it makes you feel better, I make more money now than my Ivy-league educated, masters-degree holding father does at the peak of his career three years into mine as a corporate lawyer. I have shifted classes, so to say, and spent more money at this age than he ever could have. The amount of money I make has zero effect whatsoever on our relationship, except that he’s so proud of me and doesn’t send me birthday checks anymore. He still likes to joke that I am 7 years old and eventually I am going to step on a “go back to start” space and go back to elementary school. He enjoys loudly calling me by childhood nicknames. It’s silly, it’s embarrassing when he says it in front of others, but it’s also sort of endearing. Your parents are not uniquely trying to torment you this way.

   4. I also have a challenging relationship with my mother re: significant others. I’m mid-30s and divorced, and when I spent a week working remotely and staying with my long-distance boyfriend, she referenced us “playing house” and how “cute” it was that I was “acting domestic.” Cooking dinner when you’re the partner working from home all day isn’t “acting domestic;” it’s how adult couples live! Agh.

      My approach, rightly or wrongly, has simply been to give her less information. I will never have one of those “my mother is my best friend” relationships. I’m an adult, and my boundary is that I dislike my mother’s commentary on my relationship, so I simply don’t give her an opportunity to comment.

      If exclusion isn’t a path you want to take, I think you simply accept this as the way he is. He’s trying, in his way, to make friends with your boyfriend. Be glad of that! My mother will always make cringe-worthy comments. I’ve told my boyfriend this, he understands, and he benignly redirects. Trying to impose your views of correctness (“women are equal”) on another person is unlikely to succeed, especially because this particular argument, like it or not, has classist undertones that could stoke resentment.

   5. Honestly, I think your assumption that your education level is intimidating is both off-putting and condescending, and is probably contributing to how you are being perceived by them. I remember feeling like this with my parents when I was a very new young adult, and living in a city for the first time. I felt like my Midwestern parents couldn’t possibly understand how city-wise and cosmopolitan I was, and constantly tried to show off my clearly superior knowledge of life. I used to be frustrated that they weren’t awed by my amazing cosmopolitan ways, and assumed they just didn’t see me as an adult.

      Needless to say, when I stopped trying to prove myself to them, and stopped trying to show off for them, our interactions became far less loaded. Yes, they will always see you as their child, but I sincerely doubt you are intimidating to them. My guess is that you are trying very hard to show how “adult” you are, and it’s potentially making you seem more immature? Or, the real issue is that they are not treating you with the superiority you think you deserve b/c you are a PhD and an independent woman. Just a guess.

      1. +100

         I don’t know if it was just how you posted it, but I read your post as quite condescending towards your family, and maybe a little too proud of yourself. I completely agree with above, that your levels of education aren’t that different. Keep in mind that today, advanced degrees seem to have replaced BAs as the “new normal” among certain classes. You can’t assume that having a PhD means you’re smarter than the rest of your family.

         I don’t know what your family is like. But from your post, I’d have to guess that you’re at least half of the problem.

      2. This a billion times.

         I have a Master’s degree. My parents didn’t go to college. I’m not more worldly or sophisticated than them. They killed themselves to give me the opportunity, so I just have a lot of gratitude towards them.

         Besides, they’re both freakish smart. I have my talents, but my mom can run circles around me.

      3. Surely many of you ladies have read Ender’s Game and the other books in the series… this all just reminds me of when Peter and Valentine are writing their political theses and assume their parents have no clue how brilliant and influential their offspring are, and the parents are cackling to themselves in their bedroom, “Ha, where do they think they get their intelligence from?!”

         You are your parents’ child. 9 times out of 10, you are successful or not BECAUSE of them both in nature and nurture, not in spite of them. Don’t put yourself on a pedestal!

   6. I get this because I experience it and my husband experiences it. It’s almost like there are specific roles for each person within each family and, no mater how old we get and what else happens, everyone is relegated to their assigned roles whenever the entire family is together. So, you’re the baby of the family, and everyone is still acting like that when you all get back together. Think really hard about previous interactions with your dad — does he treat you this way outside the presences of your new SO? Even if it’s not quite as bad?

      I also kind of understand your statements about being in a different socioeconomic class from your family, but just want to gently encourage you to think about how you’re treating the interactions as well. It doesn’t have to be A Big Deal. Sometimes it is for one side or the other and I trust that it is weird for your parents, but also just think about whether you’re making it weird too. For example, are you talking a lot about your recent international trip? Are you talking about how stupid or silly other people are? Etc.

   7. OP, do me a favor and read the short story “Everyday Use”. It’s a story by Alice Walker that I think you can connect with. It explores the worldly, advanced degree woman and her boyfriend and the conflict with her mother and uneducated sister.

      It’s powerful and gives some pretty amazing perspective.

      1. Ooooh, good suggestion. I love this story. I remember reading it and recognizing the dynamic between one of my grandmothers and two aunts, and it was just so poignant. Still sticks with me more than a decade later.

      2. Wow! That’s a powerful story. Thanks for the recommendation.

8. I’m made an offer for a house yesterday, and I’m all jittery waiting for a response. How do I calm myself down!? Planning my future living room at West Elm online isn’t really helping

   1. I’m closing on a house this week and I am similarly jittery! I’ll keep my fingers crossed that they accept your offer! I’m really enjoying the nervous/excited energy and embracing it! It’s a nice change from the boredom and monotony that typically fills my work weeks (she said, not meaning to sound like a debbie downer…)

   2. I remember this feeling!! Good luck! Signing the papers will feel amazing and so will opening the house up with your own key for the first time. Take tons of pictures that first day!

   3. Want to plan my living room instead? I bought a house last year and both the dining and living rooms are still totally empty. The dining room has peeling wallpaper from the 70s. And I can’t bring myself to care/find time.

      1. Please design my house too. My house has big furniture like couches, tables and chairs, but no end tables, lamps or stuff on the walls. It looks weird but I have no time.

         1. Oh man, you guys do not ask us to do this. Because I will do this. I designed my friend’s apartment, and am currently designing her new house. It’s been one of my hobbies since I was 13.

            1. HA. My house is a blank slate. For real. Have at it.

               Anecdote: I spent 30 minutes deciding between four virtually identical slate-toned 12 x 24 tiles for my basement floor the other night. I suffer from mega analysis paralysis, and designing our small reno project keeps me up at night.

            2. I would love it if you would do this! I just need a living room chair and some throw pillows :-)

            3. I will pay for your services! I am considering hiring an interior designer because it isn’t really acceptable toncontinentonlive like this but I just.dont.care. About the details so we have done nothing.

9. Why isn’t the victim in the Dennis Hastert abuse case also guilty of extortion? What am I missing?

   1. For what? Didn’t he settle a valid civil claim and is now suing because Hastert didn’t pay? (I haven’t been following closely but I thought that was what happened.)

      1. He accepted 1.7 million dollars, and is now suing Hastert for 1.8 million more. Payoffs to keep quiet about the abuse.

         There hasn’t been a civil claim for this. Maybe you thinking of the Cosby case?

         1. He’s suing him for breach of contract, saying that he and Hastert had an agreement that Hastert would pay him $3.5 million in exchange for not disclosing the abuse. Even if he didn’t file suit, he could have sued Hastert for abuse. People can settle claims before a lawsuit is filed. People can agree to nondisclosures. I haven’t seen anything that amounts to extortion.

   2. Idk but I can’t stand how the Catholic Church is taking an active role in the position against extending the statute of limitations. It’s disgusting. It might be my breaking point….

10. I love, love, love this dress and especially the color.

11. Hi All – I need to rant/gather advice.

    An office I work with on a daily basis hired back an employee who left a few months ago to a higher position than the one the person originally left. Needless to say, this person is extremely difficult to work with, obstructionist, verbally abusive occasionally, and totally unqualified for the new position. I am internally angry/dreading this and need to keep myself in check.

    Have any of you been in this position before? Words of advice? I have never felt so strongly about a person …ever. I am a calm, understanding person by nature, but this one is eating me up inside!

    1. ARGH – experiencing this too, though I don’t have to work with the person on a daily basis. The cool thing is that she’s trying to rekindle relationships with people in her old portfolio who are now in mine. Sorry I don’t have advice, just commiseration!

    2. What is your relationship to the other office? If they are your company’s vendor, you should be able to exclude this person from working on your account. If you are the vendor, you’re out of luck.

       1. This is in federal government, so not a vendor/private company. I think I can work around the person for hte most part, but not entirely. It’s just ….. UGH!!

12. I have just learned I am scheduled for warehouse visits tomorrow and every week till summer.
    For tomorrow, it is already too late as I only packed pencil skirts.
    But for next weeks, what could I possible wear to not look glaringly out of place (the stereotype of the auditor/consultant going to a plant).
    I still want to look professional as I am meeting various representatives of the management team before and after each visit.
    I am petite 4P pear shaped (hence my preference for skirts). Also, I am the only woman and the youngest but happen to be the second most expert on the topic so want to project gravitas. Any ideas?

    1. I have a current obsession with the Cole Haan Zerogrand Wingtips. I would wear them with ankle pants, a soft (silk or poly) collared button down, and a blazer.

    2. I think you are fine in skirts – the main thing here is I think you want to be warm enough and wearing sensible shoes. Loafers would be a good idea.

    3. I agree that pants and fully-covered shoes like oxfords are best. I’m assuming that workers at the plant are required to wear long pants and steel-toed shoes, so you’ll look out of touch if you’re wearing a skirt and ballet flats (or similar).

13. I have the exact dress in many colors from Tahari by ASL and they were around $100 each

    1. If you mean the Tahari dress that was linked to as the lower-priced option, that is not the exact same dress – it’s about four inches shorter!

       1. +1 – The tahari one is wayyyyy too short for me. and it has an exposed contrasting zipper which I’m not a fan of.

       2. ah yes forgot to say that I am petite. Sorry about this.

14. The photoshopping on the plus size dress is awful! It’s given the model this weird shelf hip.

15. Over the winter, my husband was gone for an extended period of time. I was alone with our young kids, and really struggled to keep my anxiety in check. After one particularly rough patch, I called my doctor looking for help. I spoke with her nurse first, and was extremely emotional. THe nurse was very sympathetic, and promised the doctor would call back quickly. The doctor called me back within a day, and I again got very emotional on the phone with her – explained that I was home alone with my kids, was really struggling with anxiety, and needed some help. I asked if she could prescribe something in the short term that would help me until he came back. Her response was totally stoic. She said no. She didn’t feel comfortable writing me a prescription. I told her I was really struggling, and she responded that I needed to learn some coping mechanisms that were not medicinal. I asked her if she had a therapist she could recommend, or someone else I could talk to or get an appointment with in the short term. She said no. She told me to check on my insurance website for names. I pressed her, and she said she keeps a list of therapists, but doesn’t endorse them. She said she’d mail it to me (but never did). She basically said, you are in charge of your kids right now – get it together.

    At the time, it was just an awful response. I still choke up writing about it. It took a lot of guts to make the call in the first place, and I felt so shamed/blown off. If it matters, I have never been on any sort of prescription meds for anxiety/depression. After, I did call my OB, and got like two sentences out before she said – happens to a lot of people, and she called in a low grade anti-depressant. She said, pick it up if you feel like you need it, if not just know its’s there. I never picked it up, but did feel a lot better knowing it was there.

    Here’s my question – I switched primary care doctors to another doctor in her practice, but can/does one provide feedback? Does this situation warrant a review somehow? I want her to know that I reached out in what felt like crisis mode – as we constantly tell each other to do, and she basically blew me off. Even if she didn’t want to prescribe me something on the fly – she gave me no help/other options. Thoughts?

    1. I don’t think she was wrong not to prescribe you with antidepressants. Drugs are too often overprescribed, and she recognized that this wasn’t necessarily the right course for you. That being said, I believe there are websites (Similar to “ratemyprofessor”) where you can provide feedback. Perhaps she should be more willing to refer patients to other sources of help and this should be brought to her attention. But saying, “my doctor wouldn’t give me a prescription when I called her crying” sounds more like drug seeking behavior than a request for medical treatment – honestly, no offence intended.

       1. Anon, you are somewhat missing the point. It wasn’t just that the doctor refused medication – which I think the OP understood – but also refused therapy or any kind of help whatsoever. This is simply not, in my view, an acceptable response to someone who’s reaching out in mental health crisis.

          1. It doesn’t sounds like she refused to recommend therapy, she just did not recommend a particular therapist and pointed her to where she felt the best place to find one was – the insurance website. I get that people respond to different things and bedside manner is important – it sounds like the doctor did her job, but she just wasn’t the right doctor for the OP. A lot of doctors are not good at helping outside their area, unfortunately. You would think doctors would be better about things like mental health, diet, etc but sadly it isn’t the case for many.

             1. MD here.

                OP, I am very sorry to hear about your experience…. which made me cringe. And then it made me angry.

                The doc did a poor job. They should have referred her to a psychiatrist or therapist, and followed up if they promised to send a referral list. At a minimum, an appointment should have been scheduled with her doctor so that the OP could have a little time to talk through the issues, and so the doctor would have time to look into referrals.

                One of the main jobs of a primary care doctor is to know when and where to send their patients to get specialized care when needed. Behavioral health care is so common these days that it is inexcusable for a doctor to not be able to refer their patients to a single psychiatrist or therapist.

                A few minutes on the phone is not appropriate. Especially for a mother, taking care of young children alone.

                A good primary care doctor should be able to counsel on medications as well as non-pharmacologic approaches to dealing with anxiety. But this doesn’t happen in a 10 minute phone call. She should have come in for an appointment and follow-up appointments to talk about stress reduction techniques, mindfulness, exercise, sleep/caffeine etc… It’s not rocket science and it is INCREDIBLY helpful. But it takes time and follow-up. Or… a referral to the appropriate specialist who can do it.

                The insurance website is not a good place to look for a therapist. It is much better to get a referral from a doctor or friend your trust, then check the website to see if they are within network.

                That being said, it is so so difficult in many cities to find a good therapist. And as health insurance plans are closing their networks more and more, it is getting worse.

             2. SF MD – your response is incredibly validating. I again choked up reading it (and, you wouldn’t know it from these posts, but I am not a crier/not overly emotional). From a random online person, I really appreciate it. I think that’s exactly what I was looking for. Reaching out was hard, but the right thing – and her response basically made a really tough situation worse.

    2. I’m a big fan of MD reviews esp. on sites like ZocDoc if it’s used in your area (there are others too). I know for me and my crowd (mid 30s), we pretty much solely choose docs based on reviews, so a blunt review stating that you called for help and were told NO meds AND NO therapy recommendations and were basically told to get it together and figure it out – would definitely make an impression, esp. with lowest possible star ratings. You can do this anonymously BTW.

       I know some people would rather go to the practice itself and complain, but honestly I don’t see what that gets you. This MD is who she is and she’s not going to change. So if you call/go see that practice, you’ll get a practice manager that’ll either nod along to your complaints and half heartedly say sorry or will defend her MD’s medical decision and make you feel like you’re the crazy one pushing for meds (which you aren’t). I think public reviews matter more bc it hits them financially as people read them and often chose to go elsewhere.

       1. +1 to a p ublic review on ZocDoc or Yelp and not a direct complaint to the practice. I also think it isn’t unreasonable for her to be unwilling to prescribe meds over the phone but she sounds rude and she should have referred you to a therapist. And telling you you need coping mechanisms that are not medicinal is pretty terrible. Sounds like she has a really awful bedside manner. Glad you’ve found someone better!

    3. I would just leave a review for the doctor on one of the sites like Zoc Doc or whatever. She did encourage you to see what therapists your insurance suggests and not prescribing something in that situation makes sense to me (about all she could prescribe that’s short acting is valium and not a great idea to try that for the first time when you have sole responsibility for young children). Surprised that the OB prescribed an anti-depressant as those usually take 6-8 weeks to work and it sounds like you needed help sooner than that.

    4. I don’t know but that’s definitely something I’d want to provide feedback about.

       Sadly I’m discovering this is common. My sister works for a healthcare company and is in crisis from an event that happened last week. She reached out to the benefits people to find out how she could see a psychiatrist or psychologist. They told her there’s a waiting list to get in but they could provide her a list of out of network people but she’s need a referral from here PCP. So she calls her PCP, breaks down on the phone with the triage nurse who told her to try and focus on other things and she could come see the doctor 1.5 weeks later but no guarantees he would refer her to a therapist. How could health care people be so flippant about mental health? You shouldn’t have to jump through hoops to see someone. Her situation is a crisis and almost any external advisor would recognize that. But no attempt to get her in sooner and no compassion. I’d like to give feedback to that office myself!

    5. I feel like most commenters are focusing on whether she gave you antidepressants or not and their effectiveness or lack thereof and I don’t think that’s your issue. Do you feel betrayed/embarrassed/shamed for having those feelings and asking for help from someone who should have helped? Those feelings are perfectly natural – it sounds like you were having a legitimately very trying time and reaching out for help in the best way possible.

       When I was younger, I was going through a very difficult time during law school. I made an appointment with a therapist at the campus mental health centre and after crying and carrying on for an hour, he looked at me like I was an idiot, told me to suck it up and said that the centre existed for people with real problems, not people like me and that I shouldn’t waste their time again. This was more than 5 years ago but the feeling of rage, shame and hurt I get when I think of it is still strong.

       I don’t know what you should do in your situation but I want to let you know that you did the right thing and you have every right to continue to feel angry about the way that doctor treated you.

       1. I completely agree.

    6. I work in healthcare finance now, but used to work in medical practice operations. If I were the practice administrator, I would want to know about the physician’s behavior. It’s not that she wouldn’t prescribe you something, it’s that she didn’t treat your very real crisis with the seriousness that you deserve. “Get it together” is not medical advice. You should find out who the practice administrator is and send a letter/email using the language you used here.

       On the other hand, I think rate my doctor websites are garbage. There’s no control over who posts, so often it’s only really unhappy people taking the time to vent. If the sample were not self-selected, I would give them more credence.

       1. Have you looked at them lately esp. in NYC? ZocDoc is not just for the disgruntled — though certain ones are. There are such high numbers of people posting that you can get a good sense who is a generally unhappy person and who is posting real feedback — and with a large sample, the ratings work out as they should. Plus I DON’T find that most of the reviews are negative.

          1. I just looked up my pcp and his practice, and found a broad mix of ratings, but also incorrect information about which hospital he is affiliated with. I know, that’s a sample of one, so not an accurate accounting, but it didn’t convince me.

             Still, my greater point to the OP is talk to the practice administrator about your experience. Mental health is health, and a pcp should be more adept at addressing it.

    7. Thanks all for your thoughts and feedback. I think most of you got it right – I didn’t necessarily expect her to call in a prescription, but needed some help, and she provided no real options. The common advice is to start with a call to your doctor when you need help, and go from there.

       As I read the responses/ideas, I realize that what I actually want to do is direct my response to her. She’s been my PCP for years, so she knows I’m not a druggie looking to fill a habit (half joking response to the first poster above :) I have no desire to respond in anger or lash out at her, but want to tell her, “hey, this could have been a lot worse, and I really would have appreciated SOME sort of lifeline – another number to call, the name of a therapist who would at least take a call from me, etc.” It’s more of a pay it forward – I was fine, but what if the next person who calls isn’t? It’s a big practice – I’d like to suggest that they put together a few resources to provide to someone who calls needing help. It’s hard to make a call for help, and if someone gets stonewalled, I imagine it would be even harder to reach out again.

       anyway, not sure if that would be received well, or she’d get too defensive to listen – and I don’t even know how I’d communicate it to her. However, it’s been on my mind for a while, so clearly I still feel strongly about it.

       1. I’d write her exactly what you wrote in this reply. It’s reasonable and straightforward. Making the first call for help is hard and they did not appropriately acknowledge or support that.

       2. I once had a situation that was horribly upsetting with one of my mother’s doctors. This was a doctor my mother had for 20 years. My mother is a sweet, kind woman, who always did what the doctor told her to do. What he did was quite cruel, and careless…. which made me think of your experience.

          I wrote him a detailed letter. It was very cathartic for me. Doctors do not receive many letters like that, I have been told. I never spoke to him after sending the letter, and that was fine with me.

          And I guarantee you… he will think twice if he is ever in the same situation again.

          I also agree that you should mention this to the director/administrator of the clinic, or any patient advocate services if it is affiliated with a hospital. They will be required to follow-up on this. It is very easy to put together a few resources. Websites alone can be a great help.

    8. Just wanted to chime in and offer support. When I was a new mom, I made a call JUST like this to my OB’s office because of PPD. My nurse-midwife called me back ASAP and stayed on the phone with me for over an hour, and called my spouse and talked to him too, to make sure he knew what to do. She also called in a very limited scrip (2-3 pills, I think) for anti-anxiety meds, and made sure that I made a follow-up appointment.

       I don’t know what I would have done if I’d gotten the response you did. Primary care docs have a different expectation for bedside manner and supporting general health questions. No additional advice, other than that you are completely justified to be upset about this, and I’m so sorry this happened to you

    9. just wanted to say the treatment you rcvd was completely unacceptable, and I would absolutely change drs. Who is she, Tom Cruise? Values obviously sound off. If she brushed off your concerns like that, sadly she probably won’t care if/why you leave, and neither will her office staff. Fwiw, my husband experiences bouts of depression a few times a year and had this exact conversation with his primary a couple weeks ago. His experience couldn’t be more different….they had him come in immediately, wrote him a 90 day rx for meds, had an on site counselor arranged to speak with him (I believe to determine if he was at risk of harming himself or others) and gave a long list of area therapists and psychiatrists accepted by our insurance (in case he wanted to continue meds or not). Brushing off a rational adult mature enough to self Id their own mental health concerns like that, is ridiculous.

16. I’m so bummed, I got a traffic ticket in the mail from a video camera. Turning right on red without coming to a full and complete stop. There is video which shows pretty clearly I am at fault so I don’t think I can do anything other than suck it up and pay the $490. :(

    1. Ok this EXACT thing happened to me. I ended up doing a “pre trial negotiation” meeting and paid slightly less, but there is pretty much nothing you can do. Commiseration.

    2. $490! Holy crap. I got a similar ticket in Denver and it was $89. Before you pay it, make sure it’s enforceable. I learned after paying mine that the camera tickets in Denver are not enforceable because Denver law requires that you be served a ticket in person (so they’d have to come to your door and they aren’t going to spend the time to do that).

    3. If you’re in So Cal, email me at seniorattorney1 at gmail. I might have a suggestion or two.

    4. Exact same thing here. Many years ago. There was a class action suit against Jefferson Parish and I recently got a check for about a third of my money back. Ugh.

17. Can anybody recommend a line of bridesmaid dresses that (i) is available online, (ii) carries the same dress in a WIDE variety of sizes (2-2X), (iii) is moderately priced ($150-$250)? It’s like looking for a unicorn! Please and thank you!

    1. david’s bridal. Not the most lux out there but they really do have tones of shapes/sizes and you can order online.

       1. +1 to Davids. This is why they exist. FWIW, while I’ve had some horrific dresses, there are also very cute and elegant options as well.

          You may have some luck at non-wedding-specific stores, like Nordstroms or Talbots.

       2. +1 to David’s bridal. I used David’s for those exact reasons – I needed to find a dress with a wide range of sizes, and about half my bridesmaids were students and couldn’t afford a $200+ dress.

       3. +1

    2. Look at weddingtonway.com.
       I got a bridesmaid dress from them last summer and paid something like $175. I’m a size 2x but they carry dresses in all sizes. Also a lot of the brands are available in stores so I went in to a local shop to look at them and pick one and be sized. It ended up working out perfectly.

       1. +1 on the rec for weddingtonway.com

    3. Azazie is good and on the cheaper side, which I definitely appreciate as a bridesmaid.

    4. Perhaps take a quick look at ASOS or ModCloth?

    5. I went with Donna Morgan dresses from Nordstrom. They’re out of your price range, I think, but Nordstrom has a whole bunch of choices, many of which come in a wide range of sizes, and does free shipping/returns, which I really appreciated for my far flung bridesmaids.

       1. Nordstrom doesn’t sell Donna Morgan dresses in plus sizes. The biggest size is a misses 18 which fits more like a misses 16.

    6. Your best bets for plus size bridesmaids dresses are David’s Bridal and Dessy Group. You could also consider a convertible dress like Henkaa, which is cheaper and has more plus size options than Two Birds.

18. Good morning, Corporettes!

    I need your advice because I think I know the answer, but am interested in exploring other opinions. Since the beginning of the year, I have made cleaning up mu finances a priority. I have downsized (and down-expensed) my apartment to one about 25% less per month, my car (~$150/month payment at 0.9% APR, own and plan to drive for 5-10 years, down from a leased vehicle costing *much* more per month, wardrobe and entertainment. I have budgeted every dollar and track (nearly daily) everything in, everything out.

    With the “found” money saved above, I paid off student loans, started a baby emergency fund (not where it needs to be yet, but the barest of bare starts in warding off disaster), and then ramped up my retirement contributions–WAY up: I am on track to max out my 401k for the first time ever, have a Roth IRA and another post-tax IRA tied to my checking account, so I can contribute extra funds as I wish (e.g. a cash birthday gift). I am already blown away by the time-value of money and have major, major regrets for not making this more of a priority sooner. It is a stretch for me to make everything work, but I feel like I am in a much better place even since the beginning of the year, and more importantly, that this is something that will be sustainable for me long-term.

    And now the ugly: I have just shy of $8,000 in credit card debt at 12.1% APR. The circumstances of it are immaterial but suffice to say that it represents a mistake and, importantly, a learning opportunity that has not been taken lightly. I have had good intentions of going after this debt aggressively, but am finding that with the new budget work I have done, am not finding as much as I had hoped I could to keep knocking out major payments. ($100 here, $100 there, ain’t doing much at that APR.)

    I met with a financial representative regarding a state deferred compensation program I contributed to with a prior employer (not available in my current job). As of market close yesterday, there is $11,857 in this account, and there is a 0.45% maintenance fee assessed on the account balance annually. It is performing ok, but as I am no longer contributing every pay period, it is also not growing much. It is all my money (no vesting) and not tied to any time-based anything. I would be able to access this immediately, the obvious downside being having to pay the taxes to take the distribution.

    I am in a period of some career instability and transition, uncertain yet whether I will be moving into a new role with my current organization, possibly another role with the organization where the deferred compensation program is available, or relocating out of state–I do know that I will be making a move, but too soon to know precisely where to.

    The question: am I crazy for considering the opportunity to cash out the deferred compensation (which would allow me to wipe out the CC debt and likely also add to a liquid emergency fund)? I know it would probably make more sense to suspend those 401k contributions and throw that at the debt (about $1,400/month), but I have to say there is appeal in wiping the CC slate clean and decisively now.

    Other stats: 32, in a relationship but not marrying anytime soon, moderately high cost of living area, earning $84k now and hoping to edge into $100k territory in my next position.

    Thanks!

    1. You’ll pay an early withdrawal penalty of 10% plus federal tax (we’ll say 17% at your earning level) plus state tax (assume 5%). Does it make sense to pay 32% in taxes to pay off your credit card? Nope. You should be throwing any extra money at that credit card. Bring your 401k contribution down to the employer match level and then throw the difference at the card.

       Do you have good credit? If so, just open up a 0% credit card and transfer the balance. There will probably be a fee but it won’t be too much.

       Also, you said you have a Roth IRA and a regular IRA account – note that you can only contribute up to the IRA max with both accounts combined, not separately.

       Also, post this same thing in the forums on Mr. Money Mustache and those people will whip you right into shape.

       1. I didn’t see that this was a retirement account with an early withdrawl penalty? Also, if she’s paying federal taxes, then she’s paying federal taxes. Unless she plans to hold off until she’s making LESS money to liquidate the account, which could be decades.

          1. To clarify Jen, I was referring to the IRS 10% early withdrawal penalty. It’s not imposed by the plan, it’s imposed by the IRS.

       2. It was an assumption. Most deferred compensation programs are going to trigger an early withdrawal penalty. Maybe she can clarify what type of plan it is???

          As a general rule, you should NEVER take money out of a retirement account unless you’re in dire straights. Retirement accounts are protected in bankruptcy so you should never drain a retirement account to pay off a credit card. (not that I think she’s headed toward bankruptcy).

    2. Is the deferred comp all-or-nothing (ie you must liquidate and pay taxes on 100% or leave it be)? Can you roll any of it into your various IRAs to avoid taxes and then take you IRA earmarked $ and throw it at the debt? If you take another role with a deferred comp option, does your liquidation of this account prevent you from taking advantage? if not, I’m not sure why that’s even a factor to consider.

       I am not a financial expert by any means, but I can tell you that if you are looking at a higher salary any time soon, and in the long run, that tax burden ain’t gonna get better. I had major heartburn about contributing to a Roth (post tax) IRA when DH and I had an AGI of 140k because OH THE TAXES. Well, he convinced me and here we are 3 years later with an AGI of 300k+. It will be so long before we are in a sub 100k tax bracket (if ever) due to our investments and other planned retirement income that we really did pay the taxes at the best time. My example is retirement, but you get the point- unless you think you want to hold onto that 11k until you are retired and making <80kyear, there really is no time like now.

       If I were in your shoes, I'd cash it out, put 50% in the bank for the next 12 months (use it to pay estimated taxes/the tax bill next year), and the other 50% to your debt.

    3. Given that you have other retirement savings, it’s not insane to do this in my opinion. The mental benefits of having CC debt gone are immeasurable.

       1. I don’t think it’s insane either but I’d figure out the exact tax/penalty implications to make sure it’s worth it. Also – and apologies if this comes off as harsh – but I don’t understand why you would prioritize maxing out retirement and paying off student loans that presumably had lower rates, are considered “good debt” and from the sound of it didn’t need to be paid off now, over paying off your CC debt. Maybe I’m missing something but this sounds like you’re still having some issues with managing your money. If your credit is good enough, get a zero interest or close to CC and transfer your balance and then throw all your extra money at the balance, including by lowering your 401K contributions.

    4. No, no, no. Don’t do it. You will lose a third to half of the money in the retirement account to taxes and penalties, you will lose the growth you would get from that money over the years until retirement, and you will be reinforcing the instant-gratification impulse that may or may not have led to incurring the credit card debt in the first place.

       I like the idea of doing a balance transfer to a lower rate. If you have good credit you should be able to do that with no problem. There are a lot of zero-percent-with-3%-fee offers out there. Go to http://www.bankrate.com and take a look.

    5. You all need a serious reality check if you’re telling someone that they should cash out a retirement account to pay off a credit card due to the mental benefits.

       1. Agreed. Just no, no, don’t do this.

          You got in this debt for a reason. Paying it off (and losing a chunk of your retirement in the process) is a quick-fix with no long-term solution. Focus on the root causes of debt and changing your habits so it’s sustainable

    6. I’m a Dave Ramsey fan and you should look at his baby steps. He plan would have you stop retirement until you are out of debt and have 3-6 months in emergency fund. And never cash out retirement account unless you are trying to prevent bankruptcy or something. You are just giving money to the IRS. $8000 is totally doable with the progress you are making. Good luck!

    7. Thanks everyone! OP here. Surprisingly, it is exempt from an early withdrawal penalty. Excellent points to consider all around; I appreciate everyone’s time.

       1. Just another person piping up to say DON’T CASH IN THE RETIREMENT PLAN. You are not just sacrificing the balance, you are sacrificing all the gains over time if you leave the money untouched.

          You have been doing a great, great job paying down your loans. Definitely try to transfer the remaining credit card balance to a new credit card with 0%, and keep your totally awesome frugal living going. It is really worth it.

          But don’t cash in your retirement!!!!

19. Ok, I THINK this is totally awkward but here me out:

    I recently decided to join up with a former colleague (who at one point long ago was my boss, but since then i’ve been both her peer and taken over her role when she left) in a consulting practice. We live 2 states apart and do our work remotely. We have one client that is in my city, so she’s twice now gotten up at 4am to make the drive to the 9am meeting. I live right outside the city and it takes me 20 minutes to get to these meetings. We have a 5BR house and one of those BRs has it’s own bathroom and is our guest room. I have a dog and a toddler roaming the house as well, but 3 of our 5 BRs are not used for sleeping (office, guest suite, other guest room/backup office/future second kid’s room).

    It’s totally weird for me to invite her to spend the night before the meeting at my place…right? I’ve never asked her why she doesn’t get a hotel (and charge it to the business), but I know her well enough to know that she doesn’t want to spend the money when she “only” has to get up at 4am and a hotel would be $300. I was thinking I could bring it up totally casually, “hey, if you ever don’t want to hit the road at 4am, you’re welcome to stay in our guest suite.” if it were a guest HOUSE (ie detached), i would have already made the offer.

    Do I just let this go? I’ve worked with her/known her for years, would invite her over for dinner if she lived nearer to me, and it wouldn’t, like, wreck our relationship. But I can’t tell if this is out of touch?

    1. ugh, hear me out :)

    2. I don’t think it’s weird to offer. Also not weird if she continues the 4am routine. I have three kids and would totally get up at 4am vs having to deal with packing and staying away overnight and having kids upset that I’m leaving and having to unpack the next evening.

    3. I think it’s totally normal to invite her to stay with you. Might be a bit weird to offer her space on a futon in a one bedroom apartment, but if she would have her own bedroom I don’t see why it’s weird at all. My husband is in academia and frequently stays with colleagues or invites them to stay with us to avoid using their limited grant money on expensive hotels.

    4. I think it’s perfectly fine and normal to invite her to stay. And then she can accept or not and either way it will be fine.

    5. Is this a small business? Are you both owners in this business? If so, can you say something along the lines that you think hotels are reasonable business expenses?

    6. Sounds totally normal and nice to me.

20. Anyone have any insight into whether the FLSA increased salary minimum to be exempt is actually going to go through? I’m considering taking a job in a LCOL area that’s just under the proposed $50K threshold. It’s currently exempt but if the changes go through it would become non-exempt, which is not desirable for a variety of reasons. Any thoughts about the likelihood of those changes going through?

    1. It is going to go through. Commentators expect the rule to be published in the next 30-60 days, with a compliance deadline 60 days out. There is an outside chance that the implementation of it could be staggered over several years. If you are just under the $50k anticipated threshold, there is a good likelihood that the company will bump your salary up so you can remain salaried.

       1. Thanks, good to know. They’ve been pretty clear it would switch to non-exempt if/when the changes go through.

          1. Why is non-exempt bad? Overtime!

             1. Unfortunately, at this place, non-exempt employees get way less in the way of benefits (including less than half the vacation time) and that’s important to me.

21. What is your opinion on Americorps experience? My son has been accepted for a year between undergrad and grad school. Is it seen as positive experience on a resume or does it signify a place to hide out from a real world job/responsibilities for another year. Would it sway your hiring decision either way if all other factors were equal? Thanks.

    1. Absolutely will be a positive on a resume. It’s a highly recognized and reputable service organizations. When I was in big corporate, it was a big selling feature

       I cant speak to being an Americorps myself, but I work with an organization that funds Americorps and places them in schools. I meet with them regularly, as well as the kids they help. I cannot tell you how much of a difference these people make in kid’s lives.

       Just one example:

       Jane (obviously not her real name) was born in Haiti (but American-born mother) and was raped and abused by her father and uncle repeatedly. She scrounged for coins in the streets from the time she was 9. When she was 15, she had enough for a plane ticket. She ran away and bought a ticket for Orlando, because it was the only destination she knew how to pronounce.

       She came to the US completely on her own, knowing only the most basic of English. She somehow figured out how to get her paperwork in order, paid as little as she could to sleep in a dank basement, and got herself enrolled in school in one of the worst neighborhoods imaginable. She worked really, really hard but was so far behind the other students.

       She was connected by the guidance counselor to an Americorps member named Tina. Tina tutored her, mentored her. When she realized that Jane was struggling in class because she was so hungry she couldn’t focus, she researched food banks and gave her her own lunch. Tina worked each and every day with her. Slowly, Jane’s grades began to go up and Jane caught up to her classmates.

       Jane graduated high school last year in May. She started college in the fall, studying to be a social worker. She got a 3.4 GPA. She still talks to Tina, and when she was accepted to college, sent Tina a dozen roses.

       Jane came to give a talk on what she went through, and she said without Tina, she likely would have dropped out and done god knows what to get bey. Tina and Americorps changed her life.

       (When I met Jane, it was a kick in my stomach. She was amazing and her story really stuck with me)

    2. My kid is also considering AmeriCorps before med school as a gap year. Interested to hear opinions.

    3. I did it. My next job (full paying) was with a nonprofit advocating on the same issues, so there was certainly no negative scrutiny. It helped my law school applications the following year in several respects, including the fact that my specific program exposed me to a federal agency. (E.g., the dean of UVA Law expressed in an informal interview that he was particularly taken with the experience I was getting.) In the decades since, I’ve never had anything but positive reactions to my AmeriCorps experience. I certainly don’t see why there would be any for your son if this is a gap year between college and grad school. Most importantly, I learned an awful lot about real people and real life during that year, living independently on a very low salary/stipend and working with people with even less. That experience is invaluable to me as I go through life now and I wouldn’t trade it. I don’t know what your son is looking at doing for AmeriCorps, but it should not be anything less than a full-time, real job with real responsibilities. Mine was. All of the other programs I’m aware of are. It should be treated as such by him and by you, too. This is an opportunity for your son to grow and mature before moving on to grad school.

    4. I did AmeriCorps. Loved it! A great experience. Nothing but positive comments when mentioned in interviews (but possibly only mentioned by those interviewers with a predisposed positive perspective?) As an interviewer, I would view it positively. Not only because I know the program, but because I would consider it real work/ real world experience. I feel like interviewee under 30 has gone straight through college and law school. Any applicant with actual work experience (and not just internships) gets noticed.

       More importantly, I think it’s a great experience that can enrich your child’s life and give him a greater appreciation of college. In my program I gained real life skills that I didn’t pick up in college – public speaking, how to run a meeting, organization, and time management. I also worked with folks from diverse backgrounds, not only racial diversity but also economic diversity. I went to a diverse high school – but in AmeriCorps I worked day in and day out with some great folks who where not only the first in their families to contemplate going to college, but the first in their families to graduate high school.

22. Tell me if I’m being unreasonable –

    We have 13.5 month old twins. One set of in-laws is 4 hours away and the other is 7 hours away. We don’t get much alone time unless we arrange a babysitter in advance and to be honest that doesn’t happen very often. My in-laws try and visit quarterly. My FIL and MIL are coming in May for 5 days and are encouraging us to take a weekend getaway. I am all about it! I asked my husband if he was up for going somewhere for one or two nights and he said he’s not ready to leave the babies overnight yet and that he’ll miss them too much. It’s not that he’s worried about his parent’s ability to care for the babies – both his parents are great with them and his father is a family practice doctor. They offered a similar arrangement last fall when they were around 9 months old and my husband wasn’t ready but I was much more sympathetic. We’ve been arguing a lot and I feel like this is just stressing our relationship more. I think it would be good to have a weekend away together to de-stress and just be together. Thoughts? Has anyone else faced this?

    1. I’m a mom of twins too. Definitely go. Do not go in 6 months or the next time they visit go now. Parenting multiples is really hard on a marriage – the divorce rate is actually higher when you control for other factors.

       Explain that he will miss them but it is only one night and they benefit from happily married parents.

       If he will absolutely not agree to an overnight – at a minimum go out to dinner twice and brunch/lunch twice while they are there. Basically leave the house just the two of you every nap time – even if that’s all you can get him to do. Try to do activities that you did early on in your marriage/relationship – revisit an old favorite restaurant instead of trying the new place in town. Rebuild your identity as a couple not just co-parents. (not sure if I’m writing this to you or myself at this point!)

    2. Another tact: this is a great opportunity for the kids to develop a relationship with their loving grandparents. Will someone please think of the benefit for the children? :) I think that helps with the guilt feeling for parents. We’ve being leaving our son with grandparents for overnights since he was a month old so we didn’t have time to get all wrapped around the axle on this. Both DH and I adored getting to spend weekends/long periods of time with extended family and I think part of that comfort was that we started doing that really early in our lives.

       1. +1 We left our twins overnight with my parents when they were 16 months and it was AMAZING.

    3. You should go. It is important for kids to forge their own relationships with family (assuming everyone is loving and responsible – which is the case here). Even though they are young, it really does start now. This is a good “angle” for the husband, but I sincerely believe in this.

       Also, you need some time away. My most horrendous, difficult marital fights happened because we were tired and stressed from kids. You need some time away to be adults and reconnect. You will be better spouses and parents. That whole “you can’t pour from an empty cup” thing is true.

    4. Idk, it sounds like he doesn’t want to go and is using this as a convenient excuse. This would definitely give me some food for thought.

    5. Go. My husband and I have been away together overnight only a few times since my oldest kid was born. It is such.a.luxury and so important for your marriage. He is much more of an “I’ll miss the kids” type when he’s away than I am, but he’s always happy once we’re gone. It’s an important hurdle to get over and 13 months is definitely NOT too early! Don’t let your husband talk you into passing up this great offer from his parents.

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