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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 449 Comments · by

Holiday Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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ASICS GEL-Kayano 19™Something on your mind? Chat about it here. I've noticed a ton of people running in neon and other bright colors — shoes, accessories, the whole nine yards. I can get behind this trend — it seems joyful and happy to me, which is exactly how I want to feel when setting out for a run (or, well, at least upon my return). I like these green and pink running shoes from ASICS, available for $150 at Zappos. ASICS GEL-Kayano 19™ P.S. Happy MLK Day, everyone! If I see any sales worth reporting, I'll do a round-up, so stay tuned… :) (L-3)

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Comments

  1. Another LE review

    Saw this on the morning thread, but didn’t get a break until now…

    Size reference: 5′ 6″, 145 pounds, high-waisted, flattish chest, larger thighs. J.Crew/Halogen/Classiques Entier 8/M.

    3/4 Sleeve Knit Drapey Ponte V-Neck Dress in S. The dress hits the middle of my kneecap. No problems with the V going too low. I had to fuss with the pockets a little to get them to lie(lay?) flat. The A-line skirt is pretty full. It’s definitely a piece you can dress up or down. I love the sleeves.

    I’m kinda eh on the fabric. It’s a lovely color (pine), but the fabric doesn’t feel as expensive as I was hoping- just your average heavy-weight polyester. There’s a seam right down the middle of the dress- a little unexpected. The belt loops are cheap. I’ll play with some belts to see if it looks better than with the fabric tie it comes with. Probably a keep.

    Pattern Wool Swing Car Coat, size 6. Definitely going back. Looks nice, but the wool is stiff and itchy and the lining is plastic-y. It feels like this coat is made to take a beating and will end up softening after breaking it in for several seasons. I’ll stick with my Metro for now.

    Women’s Silk Keyhole Top (LE Canvas), size 6. So sad this has to go back. I adore the fabric and color, but whoever designed the fit should be fired. It manages to be simultaneously big and small.

    The shoulders are cut very narrow- the seams curve in and up. This makes the sleeves tighten if you reach forward and the silk has no give. The bust fit okay but the waist is cut so large that it looks like a maternity top. I tried to fix this by blousing the top, but it was too short and kept coming out of my skirt waistband. It stopped about an inch under my navel (and I am high-waisted). The whole thing made me look like a triangle. Terrible.

  2. Anon

    Help! After five years in a biglaw firm in the big city, my family returned to our rural home state last summer, and I returned to clerking for the judge that I clerked for right out of law school. I am with my judge through 2014.

    I just connected with a former clerk of the judge. The former clerk is a partner in a small/medium firm here that I may want to jump to after this stint of clerking is over. He and I are meeting next week for coffee to talk about the transition back to the legal market in our rural state. What do I wear? I know it is better to be over dressed but I don’t want to seem like an eager beaver student who thinks this is an interview when it isn’t, but I want to be respectful and professional as well. Oh, and I’m 8 weeks pregnant with my second. So I’m not showing but if I try and squeeze into most of my suits, I look like I don’t realize that I’ve eatten too many burritos. Should I just go with the one black suit that fits?

    • B'More

      How about a blazer and slacks or a skirt? Above all, go with something that fits and makes you feel comfortable, be it the black suit or another professional outfit.

    • B

      I would skip the suit. Especially since rural areas tend (I assume yours as well) to be more casual, putting on a jacket shows you are being respectful, but wearing a jacket without the full suit look makes it clear it isn’t an interview and you aren’t being over eager. You can do pants with a elastic band or belly band and then a more flowy top to cover any baby bump, and then put a jacket over the flowy top.

  3. Susie

    Palo Alto meetup on Monday? I suggested Lyfe Kitchen on Hamilton & Emerson. It’s a bit hippy-dippy but has espresso, beer/wine, vegetarian & non-vegetarian options as well as gluten-free, so should have something for everyone. Plus its counter service so people can come and go and we don’t have to deal with a group check. :)

      • Susie

        Excellent, glad to hear! It’s not really a place I’d make my husband go so I’d be happy to have someone to try it out with. ;)

    • k-padi

      I can’t make it but let me know today if you want me to send out an email blast tonight.

      I hope you have a great time!

    • zora

      Awwww, I wish I could come, but I’ll still be in DC on a business trip. Have fun!!!

  4. Shopaholic

    Ok ladies let’s talk luxe wardrobe basics. What are the luxury basics you can’t live without? Also brand suggestions?

    I’m thinking silk tank tops/tshirts for instance – I feel a silk tshirt would be much more chic under a blazer and jeans than a cotton tshirt. I’m always looking for nice silk shirts but have so much trouble finding silk shirts that are not sheer!

    I also love stretchy camis from aritzia – they’re $35-$40 each but wash and wear so well. I’ve had some for over 2 years still in great shape even though they’re worn at least once a week.

    • SFBayA

      I received a pair of Lululemon yoga pants as a gift recently. They are so expensive, I never would have bought them for myself. But wow are they nice.

      • LLBMBA

        I have a pair of yoga pants from Lululemon that I bought in 2004. They have survived training for and running 2 half-marathons and a spint triathlon, together with countless moves, flights, and lazy days on the sofa. Best $90 I ever spent.

      • Equity's Darling

        I’m a big fan of lululemon. I’m pretty sure I could outfit myself for about 2 weeks with the clothes I have from them, no repeats. In fact, I’ve been avoiding them recently because I find it so difficult to walk out without something in my hands. I want all the things in that store.

        BUT, their stuff does wear pretty well, so long as you don’t put it in the dryer or use fabric softener. I have a variety of items that I bought from them in 2004 that I still wear quite a bit.

    • Senior Attorney

      I love my vanishing-edge panties from Soma. Target has copycats but I love the real thing.

    • Greener Apple

      La Perla. Best bras I’ve ever worn. I’m not as in love with the rest of their lingerie, but the bras are my favorite.

      • Anonymous

        For me, it’s Prima Donna bras. Pricy but they last forever and so comfortable. And they come in a wide range of sizes for the well endowed.

        • AttiredAttorney

          Yes, prima donna bras are the best. After being “professionally” fitted at Intimacy and introduced to that brand, I can’t go back.

        • Senior Attorney

          Okay, I was inspired by this thread and went to a fancy bra store yesterday and got fitted. Ended up with three amazing bras, including a Prima Donna, for a boatload of money. Love, love, love!

      • phillygirlruns

        just ordered my first la perla bra from the ruelala boutique yesterday. eagerly awaiting its arrival. i will ALWAYS spend a little extra cash on lingerie, even if no one else is going to see it – it just makes me feel that much more put together.

    • a.

      Nice leather boots. I wear them all the time in the fall and winter. My Ferragamos are my favorites (though in need of some repairs right now) but I just got a pair of Wonders (a Spanish brand which don’t appear to be available in the US, but you can get them in the UK; these are mine: http://wonders.com/es/nuestra-coleccion/botas-planas/c-2007/oregon-negro/) which feel incredibly luxe and well-made, for a not-outrageous price. And then I have some short and calf-height boots. I just love boots.

      • Nonny

        I never understood the hype about Hermes scarves until my uncle took me window shopping there in November and I got to touch them and look at them close up. Now I get it, and I am currently saving up for my first one.

    • anon regular

      Eileen Fisher silk t-shirts are a luxury staple for me. Good for travel and under suits with scarves.

    • mascot

      Hanky Panky regular rise. Worth every penny, adjusts to weight fluctuations (even during pregnancy), super comfortable.

    • Nonny

      Marks & Spencer merino black tights. Nothing compares (though recently I was forced to buy a Hue pair since I haven’t been in England for a while….*weeps*).

      Also, my Brora cropped cardigans.

  5. Woods-comma-Elle

    You ladies are always so awesome on travel advice, I would love some suggestions! Post-bar trip – Vegas (two nights), Santa Barbara (one night, a Saturday), San Fran (two nights, but one day spent in Napa on a wine tour).

    I have been to all these places before, but when I was a poor and undiscerning law student. Now that I’m a proper grown up lawyer, I’m willing to spend some money for the good stuff! I will be travelling with a female friend.

    I’d love suggestions for cool restaurants, bars and particularly for Vegas/SB places to go partying and dancing as we will be there over the weekend. Of course Vegas is full of stuff, but would rather go with recommendations than a random needle-haystack approach. Also, we will be driving from SB to SF via the coast and suggestions for good lunch spots are welcome (I have been to Monterey before and it was cute!)

    Thanks!

    • SFBayA

      Goodness, three threads I’m on now. What are you looking for in SF w-c-e? I have got to have more specifics than that. For example, what do you define as “some money?” Consider stopping at Point Lobos and A~no Nuevo on the way up 1. As for food, off 1 before Monterey is Carmel-by-the-Sea. I had a really great lunch at La Bicyclette there over the holidays. A cozy cafe with great food.

    • Woods-comma-Elle

      Thanks, we would probably be looking at spending anywhere up to $250 for dinner – if it’s a good restaurant, money’s not an issue.

      • SFBayA

        We have LOTS of good restaurants. Just so I don’t overwhelm you with options, I was blown away by Atelier Crenn last year – a Michelin-starred female chef, which is sadly an unusual thing. I haven’t been to Benu yet, but chef Corey Lee was trained by Thomas Keller at The French Laundry and I have heard raves about his food. Quince is another good bet for a high end meal. The hottest restaurant in the country right now according to Bon Appetit or some other media is State Bird Provisions, but good luck getting a table. I don’t think you have anything like Atelier Crenn or Benu in London.

      • mamabear

        I have a friend who is a Chez Panisse chef and when I asked her where a visiting friend should dine in SF, she recommended Quince. My visiting friend loved it. I can’t believe I haven’t been there yet.

        Or, you could come on over to Berkeley and dine at the legendary Panisse itself.

    • Merabella

      SF: Zazie’s for brunch – seriously the best french toast I have ever eaten and make it to Bi-Rite Creamery for a cone/bowl of ice cream if you can.

      LV: Go to the Bellagio buffet for lunch. I think it is the best food selection, yummy yummy. We went to Lupo for dinner, it was very good as well.

    • Mary Ann Singleton

      Try Frances for dinner. Almost impossible to get a reservation (although check Opentable.com – sometimes you get lucky) but if you show up early (when they open) you may be able to get a bar seat. Frances is AMAZING.

    • ABC

      Vegas: Highly recommend staying at the Wynn or Encore. Brunch/breakfast at Bouchon (located in the Venetian) is delicious and should not be missed. Olives at Bellagio is good for dinner. As for bars, the chandelier bar at Cosmopolitan is one of my favorites….so gorgeous! I haven’t been to the club scene in Vegas for quite some time, but have always had a good time at XS (at Encore).

      SB: Bacara is my favorite resort in the area! The Bistro at Bacara has great breakfast and lunch, though it will be pricey.

      • Nonny

        Vegas: Agreed, you must have a drink in the Chandelier Bar at the Cosmopolitan. It will make you feel like a princess.

        Also, I had a really nice meal at Mario Batali’s bistro in St. Mark’s Square in the Venetian. Simple, very fresh, shareable food.

        Finally, do go and see Cirque de Soleil in Vegas. I suggest Ka. The scale and level of production is amazing (go to Ka even just to see the stage!) and I don’t believe shows like that make it to London all that often.

    • LadyEnginerd

      SB: drool at the courthouse. Go wine tasting in the so-called funk zone. Eat delicious food (Bouchon!). Email me for more specific ideas. quincely at rocketmail dot com

      • LadyEnginerd

        Also, you won’t go wrong eating at the Hungry Cat (it’s dinner time out here and I keep thinking of what I’d rather eat than leftovers :)

    • sdchicky619

      Vegas Recs!
      Food:
      I like Lavo at the Palazzo (Italian) and Estiatorio Milos (Greek) at the Cosmo. Brunch at the Bellagio is great. Serendipity at Caesar’s Palace is cute for lunch or a quick snack between meals.

      Clubs:
      TAO at the Venetian, Haze at Aria, and Vanity at the Hard Rock are my faves. I haven’t been, but Marquee at the Cosmo and XS at Encore are really popular.

      Other:
      Nodding my head to the Cosmo Chandelier bar suggestions. Also, I strongly recommend seeing a show. I LOVED Le Reve at the Wynn. I also enjoyed the Crazy Horse Paris show at MGM but I think it closed. Zumanity at NY, NY was insane but entertaining.

      Enjoy your trip :)

    • anonypotamus

      LV: definitely see a Cirque show. I have seen La Reve (at the Wynn) which I really enjoyed and O (at the Bellagio) most recently which was amazing! We had a pay more than we wanted for last minute tickets, but it was totally worth it. Lunch at Enoteca (Mario Batali’s place in the Venetian) or breakfast/brunch at Bouchon are always good. We’ve had two good dinners at Mesa Grill (Bobby Flay’s restaurant at Caesar’s Palace). I second (third/fourth) having a drink at the Chandelier bar at the Cosmopolitan too – its beautiful!

      SF: for the best view of the coast stop for lunch at Nepenthe in Big Sur and ask to be seated out back (if the weather is nice). You are basically atop a cliff looking out over the Pacifc (and the food is pretty good). Otherwise, I second the recommendation for La Bicyclette in Carmel – tasty food in a great setting.

      Hope you have a great trip!

  6. Iphone Celluar Carrier?

    I am sure one of the more saavy r e tt es here has already looked into this…

    My hubby and I have Blackberrys and use Sprint, and my contract is up. We don’t get the best cell service inside our home, and are considering changing carriers.

    Does anyone here have Verizon or AT & T for 2 Iphones? How much is the monthly bill?

    If I stick with Sprint, I think it will cost $140 a month (including taxes and fees) for both phones.

    Thanks in advance for your help!

    • Maddie Ross

      Verizon. Two iPhones. Unlimited everything (grandfathered in to the data) – $139.

      • Lalo

        Irrelevant for OP, but caution for everyone else: when you get a new phone on Verizon now you are no longer entitled to unlimited data unless you pay full price for the phone.

        • Mary Ann Singleton

          I was able to upgrade my phone last year and stay on the unlimited data plan (did not pay full price for the phone). I did make it very clear that I would not accept any change to my plan. Maybe they’ve changed it since then.

        • EB

          I just switched to Verizon- no unlimited data. I had unlimited talk/text/data for about 1/2 the price from Sprint, but extremely poor service. Guess I’m paying twice as much just so I can actually get service and use my phone.

        • k-padi

          Hmm, I replaced my broken phone with a verizon phone I bought on eBay for $100 three times this year (I know, I’m awful). As of last night, my online account says I still have unlimited data.

          • k-padi

            I changed phones in July and October 2012. July was a straight up replacement but October was to a much nicer phone. Both are 4G and Android. It might just be iPhones or phones Verizon subsidizes.

        • Bonnie

          We upgraded one of the phones on our Verizon plan a month ago and were grandfathered in.

          • Anon

            I did it a few days after Christmas and was told I had to pay full price or no more unlimited data. Maybe it’s limited to iPhones?

    • notowot

      I use Virgin Mobile which is pay as you go and uses the Sprint network. My monthly bill is ~$50 (and would be $100 for two phones). The downside is that you have to buy the phone without the substantial discount that comes with a 2-year contract. I think they charge $600 for an iphone so the amortization may work out, depending on how long you keep your phones.

      • notowot

        unlimited text, data (though throttled at some point) and 1200 minutes of talk a month at this price.

    • PHX

      Verizon, 2 iphones, unlimited everything $197 (I also should be grandfathered into data — am going to have to figure out why I am paying so much more than Maddie Ross.

    • Parker - Boardroom Belles

      If you have an unlocked I-Phone, I highly recommend checking out the prepaid plans. T-Mobile for example has a $ 30 plan w 100 minutes, unlimited text and a HUGE (5Gb or smth like that) data allowance. They also have $40, $ 50 etc. plans that have the beforementioned features in different quantity combinations (more minutes, fewer texts etc.).

    • Merabella

      I don’t have an iphone, but we have 2 smart phones with data plans and unlimited texting for about $145.

    • L

      Iphone and Android on Verizon – I believe we’re at $140 with the shared plan. We have low data because we’re almost always connected to wireless. Unlimited talk and text.

    • O.

      2 iphones on AT&T, 500 minutes, one grandfathered unlimited data plan, one $15/month data plan: around $95-$100/month.

    • meme

      2 iPhones on AT&T, 700 minutes plus with unlimited night, weekend and cell-to-cell calls, unlimited texting, the big data plan on both phones (4G per month? – we never come close to approaching it on either plan), $150 with all taxes and other miscellaneous charges they don’t mention when you sign up.

    • SoCalAtty

      2 iPhones, ATT, unlimited data + text with about 2200 minutes (husband uses his for business a lot), plus my brother’s regular phone is $243 / month.

    • Nutshell

      Sprint offers a booster (not the actual name, but it boosts the cell signal for only phones on your account) for $3/month if you have bad cell service in your home/office/etc. If you talk to your rep, they might be able to offer help with that. (You can also buy them, but they cost thousands, so $3/month is better!) We have the unlimited plan and it still ends up cheaper than alternatives for us.

    • Leigh

      This thread is making me a little ill at the amount we spend on cell phones per month. I think it’s something like $300, because we pay for my in-laws cell phone bill (DH’s parents and sister). That’s a lot we could be saving if it was just he and I! (We have 3 Androids with unlimited data and text, and 2 phones with text/calling plans only.) DH thinks their lines only cost us about $10/line/month. I was pretty sure he was wrong before, but now I know!

    • AttiredAttorney

      Two iphones, AT&T, unlimited everything (grandfathered in with the data), plus Apple care and insurance for $160/month.

    • B

      Hmm, I’m starting to wonder if we’re getting screwed. We’ve been on AT&T since 2003 (Cingular). We have two iphones, grandfathered unlimited data, 700 minutes, unlimited cell-to-cell, unlimited text, free nights and weekends for $181 per month (including all taxes). Our data is $30 each per month and the texting is $15 each per month. I’m wondering which piece others with comparable plans are paying less for.

  7. a.

    Running shoes? Really? Because the right way to pick running shoes is to grab the ones with the prettiest color scheme.

    Not.

    In other news, I think I might swap out jeggings for all of my real jeans. Will this cause me to lose my [this website] club card?

    • Maddie Ross

      I had this same thought. Those shoes are lovely — assuming you already know the Asics Gel Kayano works for you and your stride. Would I like fancy neon running shoes? Sure. But I’ve been fitted by pros to wear boring old Mizunos and I would rather not tear up my knees any worse than they are already.

      • a.

        Word. I do actually wear Asics, but ones that only come in boring colors. I wish they’d make my model in this type of color scheme, but ummmmmm, I’d rather have boring shoes than wreck myself in ones that don’t work for my feet.

      • CKB

        Me too. My running shoes are the ones that work best for me. Two pairs ago were a color scheme that I really hated (Nike Moto black & hot pink – totally not me & distracting for the first couple of months because I’d get a flash of pink out of the corner of my yey), but because the shoes were right for me I wore them.

      • rosie

        I actually saw a delightfully flashy pair of Mizunos at DSW last weekend. Cannot remember what model.

    • Happy Anon

      I will not judge you for the jeggings, but may I suggest Jag Jeans instead? The best of both worlds. My friends and I joke that they are maternity jeans for the non-pregnant. The waistband is a wide, stretchy, flat-lying band (instead of having a narrow band and a zipper with button). They are super comfy! I never have to worry about them sagging or what I’m showing when I bend over. I think the brand also has traditional jeans, too, but I just love these stretchy ones. If you order them without trying on first, make sure to size down. I’m a size 6, but I have a size 4 in these jeans.

      • NOLA

        Just be aware that Jag Jeans don’t work for people who are narrow in the hips. I ended up sending them back because they gapped oddly at the top of my thighs where there was extra fabric. For my shape, I prefer the INC skinny jeans in dark wash. They are stretchy and comfortable and look great. My favorite jeggings are, unfortunately, no longer available. A model from Hue that are lightweight and look better than their others. The bootcut look like jeans, not leggings. Of course, a. is not in the US.

      • a.

        Interesting. What would you say is the difference between those jeans and your standard jegging? I just bought my first pair of jeggings last week (also the first and only pair I’ve tried on, so I’m no expert), and I honestly see minimal differences (waistband aside) between them and the skinny jeans I would otherwise be wearing.

        • NOLA

          The Jag Jeans are heavier denim, like regular jeans. And you can buy them in bootcut or straight leg, so you don’t have the issue of tapering to the ankle (which works well with boots, but may not be a good look otherwise). The INC jeans have an actual button and zip fly and are straight leg. I like that look better than leggings on me (for some outfits and with some boots) because I have muscular legs.

          • a.

            I see, thanks. I only ever wear stupidly skinny jeans anyway so I guess that’s why I didn’t see too much of a difference :)

          • Happy Anon

            I may be wrong, but I think Jag also has a skinny jean style in the same waistband I described. The skinnies didn’t come in long, so they wouldn’t work for me, but I think they would be more along the lines of a heavier-weight jegging.

      • Bunkster

        I really like yoga jeans. They’re built like yoga pants so they make your butt look amazing, but they still have the button and zip front.

    • Paralegal

      I’m in love with my Uniqlo Easy Knit Leggings Pants. $20 a pair, tons of colors, and much more solid than most leggings I have seen.

      I had to sleep in them last week (stranded at SO’s parents house so sleeping pantless was a no-go), and I was very comfortable!

    • MB

      Exactly. Find a shoe that works and then hope it’s not hideous. And if it is hideous, but it works, wear it anyway. Just run fast enough that it doesn’t matter ;). Never pick running shoes based on how they look, though.

      • Saacnmama to K in transition

        I’m not convinced that picking a running shoe based on looks is any worse than picking shoes to walk in all day based on looks. The kind of high high heels some people talk about on here can do real damage to your back, no matter how “cute” they look.

        • NOLA

          Actually, I’ve heard that the torque on your knees in heels is quite similar to what you get from running shoes. I wear heels almost every day and have no back problems (in my late 40s).

    • Ellen

      I do love the COLOR’s!!!! Yay! My Nike’s have either DOG poop or HORSE poop in the tread’s and I have NOT been abel to get them out, even with a MECKANICAL PENCIL. And its smells! FOOEY! There should be a LAW that make’s it CRIMINAL to leave a dog’s (or horse) POOP on the sidewalk or the STREET. I do NOT know where I steped in it, but it is alot of it in my LEFT shoe, and it smells BAD.

      The manageing partner thought it was ME until I told him it was my SHOE and that it was probabely DOG poop from 3rd Avenue somewhere. FOOEY!

      The manageing partner told me to leave the shoe’s in the supplie’s closet. Jim kept lookeing at the shoe like it was goeing to move or something. FOOEY! I am goeing to the dry cleaner’s tonite and ask them what they can do. I am sure I am NOT the first person that has expensive shoe’s that are CAKED with poop that need to be CLEANED! DOUBEL FOOEY!!

      I am meeting Myrna for dinner tonite. We are eating Italian. Yay! Lot’s of Red Sauce for me with a VEAL PARMAGAN! YAY!!!!!!

      • Vinnie

        Ellen, I’d clean your Nike’s for you if you’d go out with me. I am an eligible bachelor, with a job and like to treat women right. I do not demand sex on the first 2 dates, and will pay for dinner and a movie. I am considered handsome, am 6 foot 1 and weigh 190 pounds. If you or Myrna want to double date, I can bring a friend for Myrna. If you turn out to be as good as I think, I’ll buy you a new pair and we can go running together, as I live in Murray Hill.

        • Anon

          Yay Vinnie! I bet you’re every bit as real as Ellen is. I can’t wait for you two to get together!

    • Alleyne

      My running clothes (and shoes) used to be entirely don’t-notice-me blacks and grays, but then I started shopping discount sites and picked up some bright blue/orange running shoes that clash with everything and are a perfect fit. I definitely would not have chosen them for their bright color scheme, but now that I’ve got them, I just go with it. Especially in the winter: I wear BRIGHT neon jackets (to be seen in the dark), strap on a spibelt (to hold supplies so my hands are free for my dog’s leash), put a beanie on under my white reflective baseball cap (warmth + eye protection!), pull on those blue/orange shoes, and hope that no one openly laughs at my on my run. Maybe folks just think I’m “joyful and happy”… I hope so!

  8. NOLA

    Interesting that Kat posted running shoes today. I think these, or something similar, popped up for me in a 6 PM ad. I always have two pairs – one for my treadmill and one for the gym, because the treadmill repair people told me never to wear shoes on the treadmill that I wear outdoors because rocks and dirt can ruin the treadmill. I have gym shoes I like but my treadmill shoes are getting shabby. Waiting for the new DSW to open here. Where do you all buy your exercise shoes? I feel like I need to try them on so I’m hesitant to go online.

    • Plan B

      I get mine at my local running store. Although I’ve been wearing the same model for a couple of replacement cycles, I like that they know me and my running style and if I ask, make recommendations on other shoes that I might like as well.

      • SunnyD

        +1. I also like it that they will take the shoes back if they don’t work (assuming you haven’t put a ton of miles on them and then start complaining). I think local running store is the best option for buying shoes if you don’t already know which model works for you.

      • CKB

        +2 except my local running store won’t take the shoes back if they’ve been worn outside. Since I always run outside I’m thankful my feet aren’t too fussy.

    • Greener Apple

      I usually stick with a brand for awhile, so that I always have shoes in rotation (right now, Brooks, which I get from Zappos). But because shoe manufacturers change the details so much, I just go to a running store every so often to get fit for new ones.

      • NOLA

        Yeah, I think my last two pairs have been Rykas and I’ve just been replacing them. I just hate to pay full price so I’ve gotten them at Off Broadway (while visiting family) or DSW.

      • qwerty

        i had never heard of rykas but just bought an amazing pair from dsw’s clearance section for about $30. my favorite part is that they are a slip on running shoe (no laces!) so they are PERFECT for to/from yoga and feel great. they were marked down from over a $100, awesome purchase.

    • a.

      I always go to a local running store. They’re not all created equal, but I like that the salespeople are more likely to know their stuff than someone at a big chain; and I enjoy supporting my local running community (which I know isn’t valid for everyone, but running is one of my Things). Fun fact about me: since I started running in ninth grade, I have gotten every single pair of my running shoes from the same store. If I had to go somewhere else I think I might have a meltdown.

      • a.

        Oh, and I’ve also never heard that you’re supposed to have special shoes for the treadmill! Interesting.

        • NOLA

          Yeah, it wasn’t so much special shoes as separate shoes. Mainly shoes that you never wear outside. The technician was telling me ways to prolong the life of my treadmill, which I use a lot.

    • Bonnie

      I got my last pair off Amazon. They have free shipping and free returns on shoes. I used to buy them at a running store but don’t pay the marked up price now since I know what type of shoe I need.

  9. Susie

    Re: Running shoes – I run about 40 mpw, and my favorites are the cheapo Champion brand ones from Payless. No matter how much I spend, they last about the same time, the difference being the Champion is still comfortable when the sole wears away while others rub the back (New Balance, I’m looking at you especially!). I have wide-ish feet and the Champions feel the best and are nice and light. I do not like brightly colored shoes. I managed to lose my running shoes (somehow I left them at the gym, which is odd considering I usually wear them out) so I’ve resorted to using my old worn out ones – no rubber left on the back heel just foam! I went to Sports Authority and Big 5 and some dept stores but nothing felt right so guess I have to add a trip to Payless into my weekend plans.

    • MB

      Running 40 mpw in worn out shoes seems like a recipe for disaster. Get thee some new running shoes! I generally put 400 – 600 miles on a pair before they are retired to walking the dog / playing softball shoes.

      This raises a question: I usually donate old running shoes to goodwill (old pair becomes new softball shoes and old softball shoes get donated; I only keep two pairs around at once). They are generally in okay condition, but they do have 400+ miles on them. Should I not do this? I mean, I would advise against wearing an old shoe for running, but then, here I am donating them for someone to wear. Do enough people buy/need running shoes for non running purposes to make donating them okay?

      • BMBG

        I take them to the local running store, where they have a bin for recycling old shoes. That way I don’t feel bad, but don’t subject anyone to my old, worn-out (even though they don’t look it) shoes.

      • Susie

        I may pay for this when I’m older, but I put a lot more miles on my shoes. I would say I replace them about every 10 months. But trail miles count for less right? ;) My system is, when I get new running shoes I demote my old ones to occasional casual wear shoes, and toss the older-old ones.

      • Mpls

        Hmm – it sounds like she does get new shoes when the old ones wear out. It’s just expensive ones aren’t any better for her than the cheap ones, so she sticks with the lower replacement costs.

        • MB

          Hmm – resorting to “using my old worn out ones – no rubber left on the back heel just foam” seems like she’s wearing worn out shoes (inexpensive ones or not). 40 mpw isn’t super high mileage, but its decent and wearing shoes that are worn down to foam seems like a bad idea. I didn’t say anything about wearing less expensive shoes. If they work for her, go for it. I love when I can find my preferred running shoe at the outlets.

          • Susie

            I’m temporarily using the old worn ones because I managed to lose my good ones. (I still can’t quite figure out how.) I have gone to several stores to get new shoes but none felt comfortable which is why I’ve just resorted to using my old ones, again temporarily. But yes it is definitely on my weekend agenda to find and buy new shoes. I will go to Payless first to see if they have the ones I’ve been using but if not I will widen the net. I think my last non-Payless ones were from Kohls. I’ve been running long distance for about 15 years.

      • ChristinaMD

        I would imagine by goodwill they are possibly being resold to someone who may think they can run in your old shoes. I know Nike and often local running stores will collect *used old* running shoes to either recycle for new shoes/plastic products or a variety of other uses, but I would be hesitant to donate my old running shoes where the intention is to resell.

    • Anon

      Wow! I consider myself an avid runner and when I’m not training for a marathon or 1/2 marathon, I run about 20-25 miles a week. If I don’t replace my shoes every 300-500 miles my legs just feel dead. I’ve run in Kayanos since 2008 and love them.

  10. hiding

    For the non-law types on here, are there specific websites you turn to specifically to look for jobs? In the aftermath of no longer being employed I am hardcore job searching. But I’m finding that all the places I was looking over the summer don’t have a lot happening on them right now. I tried my network such as it is but I’m 22 and so are most of my friends/contacts, we’ve been out of college for less than a year and most of them have been working for even less time than I had been.
    Are sites like monster worthwhile or am I better going through the specific websites of every location I can think of that might be hiring?
    Thanks!

    • De

      I think indeed.com is pretty good, simplyhired.com as well. Can you reach out to your college’s career services office?

      • Coalea

        I have found both indeed and simplyhired to be helpful, but the two sites are very duplicative of each other.

    • Bunkster

      I’ve gotten every job I ever had off Monster. Careerbuilder is also okay, depending on your field.

      But it is worthwhile to look at the websites of companies you think you’d be interested in. If nothing else, it’s something to do every morning.

      • Bunkster

        Forgot to add… the last time I was laid off I got hold of boston.com’s Best Companies to Work For list and checked the websites for every single one.

    • hiding

      Thanks!
      I will check out the ones mentioned here. My career services is an absolute joke. The help I get as an alum might actually be worse than what I got as a student which I didn’t think possible. (Highlight of their use when I was in school was when they told me I was lying on my resume since there was no way a student had done some of the things I had done)

      • Research, Not Law

        My experience with career services was the same.

        I recommend checking the websites for employers where you’d like to work. I’ve found that many employers in my field don’t seem very clued in on how to advertise their openings. If they don’t have current openings, try to set up an informational interview.

      • Legally Red

        Would they at least be able to put you in touch with alumni in the field you’re interested in? Not to ask them for a job outright, of course, but so you can ask them for career advice?

      • Lady Harriet

        Have you tried talking to any of your old professors? I’m around your age, and when one of my professors from college found out I was working retail a year after graduation, she offered me a job as a research assistant. Obviously, the chances that you’ll be working for them are low, but if you have a good relationship with some of your old professors they may be able to help. They generally have much better connections, both in their field of study and elsewhere, than the average recent graduate does.

        For what it’s worth, I’ve never had any luck applying for jobs online, although I’ve always been looking in a different state from where I lived at the time, which never helps. Other than my retail job post-college and one very low-level student worker job in school, every job I’ve ever had (since age 10!) has come from connections. I hate that fact, since it means getting hired has much more to do with whom you know than your actual capabilities, but it’s been my experience.

        Indeed has been helpful at finding job listings in the first place, but the most I’ve ever gotten out of it was a couple of phone & Skype interviews with one place that didn’t hire me. I’ve tried Monster as well, but had less success finding appropriate jobs to apply for.

    • NDR

      I like to look at the jobs on LinkedIn, if you’re on there. Also check on there for people in your network that might be tied to jobs you are interested in.

      Depending on what your field is, Idealist (non-profit jobs across a ton of disciplines/organizations), Higher Ed Jobs (all obviously at post secondary institutions but many different actual jobs), Opportunity Knocks (like Idealist).

      Also, a lot of professional organizations post job listings on their sites, so if you are looking in a specific industry, check out related professional groups.

    • Mpls

      Are you signed up for a (or multiple) temp agency? Sometimes a lot of the entry level jobs are staffed through a temp agency so the company has a chance to test run the employee before bringing them on as a full-time employee and having to do the whole benefits package. That’s how I got my first job out of college. Make sure to ask if its a temp to hire position, or how temporary it is.

      • anon

        Great point. I have two friends who have landed great jobs that started as temp positions through a temp org. It’s worth looking into for sure!

    • Alana

      Have you joined any professional groups? Groups for professional women? Groups for people in your industry? They often have member-only job postings. In addition to looking at their postings, volunteering for upcoming events with a professional organization is another way to network and save money if the event has a fee.

      If there are any upcoming conferences relevant to your profession, you can offer to volunteer in exchagange for the fee. Depending on your finances, you can also ask the conference holder for a discount, or be gutsy and crash it.

      Oops! Seconding NDR

      • Nutshell

        A group I’d suggest on LinkedIn is Networking After Dark. They post some job positions I haven’t found elsewhere. Plus, depending on your city, they have monthly or bimonthly professional networking events (with people’s nametag color indicating industry).

        I generally think that the best postings are through LinkedIn groups. Also, though I’m sure you know this, networking – not just asking if people’s companies are hiring, but ask people to keep an eye out for potential jobs for you.

        Since you are 22, informational interviews are also big for networking. If you have a good meeting with one person (who also probably will have ideas of where to look for jobs for your industry), you can ask them for references of who else to meet with, and branch out more and more. Someone along this line probably will have heard of a job.

        Best of luck!

    • hiding

      Thank you for these tips. I am on linkedin so I will check there, there is only one professional organization where I live and I lost my membership with my job. (It was through the job) Part of this stems from the fact that where I live has a population of slightly less than 10,000 (including all sorts of people who don’t work, are children etc.) No temp agencies etc out here and I am trying to put off moving until I have some idea of where I am going.

    • Miss A

      are you in NYC? interested in legal admin work? I know someone who places paralegals/legal admin/ etc… if you are interested in getting her contact info.

  11. LF

    I have a free afternoon in Montreal this weekend! Does anyone have any suggestions for what to do? I’m car-less, staying downtown.

    • Jo March

      You do no need a car! Pick a neighbourhood: I’d either do Old Montreal (which is pretty touristy), or St. Denis/The Plateau, where you can stare at all the beautiful and stylish locals. Plus check out all the boutiques and cafes and wonderful things.

    • Equity's Darling

      I’ve posted tons of tips for Montreal on here before… you can do a site search, which may help you out.

      I’d probably have lunch at Santropol or Schwartzes, then walk up the mountain and skate on the rink? Or wander around Old Montreal… Or, walk up St. Laurent or St. Denis and take in all the boutiques/shopping? There’s tons to do, you definitely don’t need a car, their metro system is decent.

  12. mascot

    Research/Organization TJ: I’m a regulatory attorney and get a lot of good information from articles, presentations, e-blasts and other similar sources. I have a few bucket files in my office where I can drop materials that I find useful, but that seems low-tech and hard to organize. I think converting everything to a searchable electronic format might be more useful. Anyone have a system that they like?

    • anon

      A friend of mine uses Evernote for this. I haven’t gotten there yet but it seems like a good idea.

      • Leslie Knope

        I use Evernote for tons of things, including what you’re describing. It’s especially helpful because you can tag the various entries in addition to putting them in folders, and it’s really easy to mark where the materials came from.

  14. Maggie

    Boardroom Belles (boardrombelles.com) is giving away a Lela Rose top that Caphillstyle (caphillstyle.com) styled for the office in her Two Ways Post just over a week ago. I thought this might be of interest to some of the ladies over here.

  15. Sutemi

    Repost from the end of the morning thread:
    I like the look of button up shirts but find them difficult to wear. I have wide, athletic shoulders and biceps and a narrow waist so I end up buying large and taking in the waist darts, but the shoulders still often strain uncomfortably when I bend to pick things up. Knit shirts and/or dolman sleeves that can move a bit across the shoulders when I twist and bend feel much more comfortable.
    My button up shirts are all woven no-iron cotton. I was wondering if a silkier or satiny button up shirt might fit more comfortably across wide shoulders? I’m not worried about bust gapping (not much of it). Does anyone have a good recommendation?

    • long time lurker

      This may sound weird but have you tried slim cut men’s shirts? I have a couple from gap in a small and they fit nicely.

    • Anon

      I have the same problem. Try to buy shirts made of stretchy material and buy them even larger than you are now, since they’re still too small in the shoulder. You can also sometimes find button-up shirts in tall sizes, which will be cut to have wider shoulders and arms. My best-fitting button-ups are all from Tommy Hilfiger from years ago or the Gap (tall). Stores that tend to be more junior-y like Express also usually cut narrower in the waist, so you can size up for shoulders and not look like you’re wearing a balloon.

      I don’t like silk and satin shirts because the material doesn’t stretch at all.

      • No Problem

        I was actually going to suggest the tailored fit at Brooks Brothers. I discovered that with my wide shoulders and relatively narrow waist, the fitted cut just didn’t have enough room in the shoulders and upper arms. I sized up one size in the tailored fit (from a 2 to a 4), so the shoulders were wider but the waist is narrower than the waist was in the size 4 in the fitted because of the cut. And most of their shirts have a bit of stretch to them. Good luck!

  16. Regular Anon

    Just wanting some sympathy for a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. I’m 8 weeks pregnant (with my second) and so tired and worn out. Nanny has strep throat so I had to scramble to find child care for work today. Just had a work emergency pop up that has completely derailed my day. And…I just started spotting. This isn’t a situation where I can leave work…I have to wait until the emergency is straightened out before I can even take a breathe, much less leave.

    • InfoGeek

      {{{Hugs}}} and sympathy.
      Lots of chocolate and your beverage of choice.
      I hope the emergency gets resolved quickly, the spotting is nothing, and that everyone gets/stays well.

    • Fiona

      Oh no, that is too much for one person in one day! I hope the spotting turns out to be nothing — perhaps it’s just a side effect of all the other stress of the day. I can’t imagine having to deal with everything else and worry about whether the baby is ok. Good luck and hang in there — hopefully the emergency will be fixed soon so you can get out of there for the weekend.

    • Research, Not Law

      ((HUGS))

      I hope husband can take over this weekend and give you relief!

    • Susedna

      *hugs*

      *tea & sympathy* Here’s hoping the emergency gets cleared up really fast. And, here’s hoping the spotting is nothing meaningful at all and that your pregnancy continues, without any problems. Be well, my dear. Hang in there!!

    • Anon

      Hang in there! The spotting could be nothing – I had it around the same time, as did a few of my friends. Terrifying, but it really was nothing. My OB said that with the placenta attaching and everything else that’s happening there’s bound to be some blood sometimes. I hope that’s the case for you too!

    • Anon now

      I totally spotted in my first trimester — it was just the way I was built.

  17. anon

    My husband wants to write and publish a novel. It’s one of these bucket list type things that he just wants to accomplish for the sake of being able to say that he’s done it. He’s gone so far as to contact some sort of publisher (who calls our home on a regular basis to ask how the book is coming along). The problem is he has not even started the novel yet. He has a demanding job, a long commute and we have 2 young children – so no spare time. I have no idea when he would write this novel. The other problem is that he showed me some writing samples many years ago, when we first started dating, and in my humble opinion writing is not one of his skills AT ALL. I’m having trouble being supportive here.

    As background iinformation, one of the other things on his bucket list was to learn how to fly, which he did (at considerable expense and time investment) before we met. He never intended to use his pilot’s license – he just wanted to prove to himself that he could accomplish that dream. He never kept up with it – apparently you have to have a certain number of flying hours per year – and does not have a valid pilot’s license anymore.

    I just don’t understand it. I have some bucket list type dreams too, but they are travel-related or other experiences that I would really enjoy. I have trouble understanding and supporting pursuit of something for no other reason than to say “I did it”. I feel really guilty about not being more supportive to him, but I just don’t get his motivation, and I think writing a novel is really unrealistic at this point. However, I know other people have similar dreams – to cross something off a lifetime to-do list with a feeling of accomplishment. Please help me see the light here!

    • anon

      May I ask why this is coming up for you now? Is the publisher calling getting to be annoying? Has he asked you to care for the children more so that he can devote time to it? Does he want to quit his job to write?

      I was a fat, unathletic kid growing up. I trained for and ran a marathon in 5 hours pretty much just to prove to myself that I could do it. So I get where he’s coming from, to some extent.

      • anon

        Original anon here. I bring it up because my husband has been talking about it more and more over the last few months. I would like to be more encouraging of his dream, but to be perfectly honest I find it a bit ridiculous and unrealistic. I’m ashamed to say that. I just don’t “get” why he wants to do this, and I thought maybe someone here might be able to help me understand a little better.

        • No Problem

          Get him to sign up for a fiction writing class at a local college. I know you said he has a demanding job, etc., etc., but if he’s been talking about it for this long and really wants to do it now, this seems like the logical next step. It could improve his writing and make him focus on formulating the story he wants to tell.

        • AG

          It is ridiculous and unrealistic. But you’re his wife, so you need to let him pursue this harmless goal. If he needs encouragement from you, encourage him. You don’t have to be the person who tells him this dream is worthless. If his writing is as bad as you say it is, don’t worry, the rest of the world will let him know.

          • huh?

            I don’t think it’s ridiculous or unrealistic. I’m impressed that the OP’s husband has goals and takes affirmative steps to reach them. That’s an admirable quality in a partner.

    • Research, Not Law

      You say you have bucket list items, too, but that they are “experiences that you would really enjoy.” Well, these are experiences that he would really enjoy. It’s the same thing.

      Like anon, I’m wondering why this is coming up. It sounds like the pilot’s license was before you met (so it didn’t affect you) and that the novel writing can wait until retirement or some other easier, later date. So… what does it matter? It also sounds like he wants to write a novel, not publish a novel, so it doesn’t matter if the writing is perfect.

      It doesn’t sound like he is needlessly burdening you or your family with his wishes. Sometimes marriage means supporting the one you love, even in their follies.

      • anon

        No, it seems to me that what matters to him (on this and other bucket list items) is just to say to himself “I did it”, rather than enjoying the experience itself. And this is what I don’t understand.

        He wants to write and publish this novel now, not when he retires. He does not have a story or plot in mind. I think the story itself is almost irrelevant to him – what matters to him is accomplishing the dream of getting a novel published.

        He is not burdening me in any way. I truly want to be more supportive, but am having trouble being enthusiastic about this because I don’t understand the motivation. I think it hurts him a little.

        • Research, Not Law

          What I meant was that he enjoys completing the goal as much as you enjoy your experience. It’s the experience of forever saying that he did it that he enjoys. It’s the joy that comes after that he’s searching for.

          If he wants to do it now, I’d act as a sounding board for plot lines and characters. Occasionally throw out a “hey, maybe that could happen in your novel” when something interesting happens. I also like the rec for NaNoWriMo. I know our area community college has a book writing class in their community catalog, which could define the time he spends, improve his writing, and provide the structure to get him going.

          I also think it’s fair to tell him that the dream needs to wait for a better time or set time boundries if he’s really wanting to go now and it will affect you. I have two small children, too, so I get it. My husband and I approach our goals as a team effort for now.

        • anon2

          Why is this a big deal? Are you embarrassed that he’s even trying when he’s not very talented? Let him do his thing. Stop worrying about it.

    • e_pontellier

      This would drive me crazy, but as others have said, it doesn’t seem to be impacting your life (other than the phone calls), so why is it coming up? If the phone calls are annoying, tell them to stop calling (or give them a “new” number or give them hubby’s cell number). If your husband is neglecting any of his household/marital/parental responsibilities, that’s a problem regardless of his dreams to write a novel. If this is something he really wants to do, all you can do is be completely supportive. If he actually writes a novel and then the publisher rejects it, he’s probably going to be crushed, and will need you to support him. (Also, I’ve found that being supportive of my DH’s pipe dreams can cause them to fizzle out on their own, because he sees that I have confidence he can do it, and then doesn’t need to actually follow through to “prove” it anymore.)

      • e_pontellier

        I see you responded as to why it’s coming up now. I don’t think it’s fair to understand why he wants to do it. My DH wants to train for an ironman. I have absolutely no idea why and when he was training for a marathon, it was a burden on our marriage. I’m only upset about his dream to the extent it will burden our marriage, and it sounds like you can (should?) talk with your DH about how he wants to plan this, so that you can be supportive but not feel used. A novel is a huge undertaking – while you might be able to take care of all your home demands for a weekend, you want to make sure you have a sustainable plan so that you don’t grow resentful of his dream. Is there something you want to do for an hour or two a day in return for him getting an hour or two a day to write his novel?

        • Anne Shirley

          @e- no idea why he wants to do an ironman? I have an idea. Remember how he used training for a marathon to check out on you and your marriage? Yeah. That.

          • a.

            Okay, I don’t want to start a snipe-fest or be obnoxious, and this is not the result of this one comment…but I’ve noticed that since e_pontellier posted about her problems with her husband, it’s as if every comment she makes that mentions him leads to people piling on with criticisms of him, which to me at least implies a judgment of her decision to try and make her marriage work. And I really don’t think that’s necessary. If she wants to talk about her relationship, she’ll post and say she wants to. But I think until that point, we should respect her decision to live her life the way she believes is best.

          • hellskitchen

            Seconded the poster above. There’s no need to dig up old threads and hassle e_p about her marriage every time she mentions her husband.

          • Anonymous

            Disagree. e_p posted here seeking solace and advice, and really emotionally engaged a lot of folks here. Having the compassion and empathy to reply means you’re going to get somewhat invested. So yeah, it’s kind of infuriating to see that she just took him back and expects that all the terrible things he did to her will just be forgotten.

          • LadyEnginerd

            I have hesitated to reply to this, but I think something important needs to be said. I think that Anne Shirley’s tone was counterproductive and unnecessarily aggressive and snarky. I’m also not angry at e_p, as she is under no obligation to take our advice. I truly don’t mean to pile on or hassle her.

            That being said, I think that it is absolutely valid to (respectfully!) bring up that her husband wanting to train for an ironman after the extreme amount of strain that the marathon training put on the relationship raises red flags for me and is indicative that he isn’t willing to bend on the “commitments that cause him to check out” front. I think it’s important as e’s internet sounding board to respectfully point out when something is over the line from where we sit, because it seems that “the line” separating acceptable, respectful, and healthy relationship behavior and unacceptable behavior has been blurred and is frequently crossed in this relationship.

            When I was in an emotionally abusive relationship (not ex-fiance, fwiw), it was immensely helpful when my friends and family pointed out to me when his actions were huge red flags and disrespectful. Those who loved me validated my right not to be treated poorly when I brought up things that concerned me. While it took months to get to the point of leaving, every validation of my feeling things were “off” helped me build up the courage to leave and face the consequences I knew he would make me suffer on account of leaving (which, btw, sucked). I can only hope to serve the same role for e_p if she’s in a similar boat. So, with a large internet hug, please add the ironman to the long list of Things That Concern Auntie LadyE. Stay safe, e_p.

      • cbackson

        Hey, I am in NYC for a flying visit next week – I know you shared your email before when I mentioned that, but I can’t find it! If you’re still interested in grabbing drinks or coffee, mind reposting it? Or you can email me at my name at the mail of Google.

    • InfoGeek

      Maybe have him focus on NaNoWriMo? That’s National Novel Writing Month and occurs in November every year. The idea is to write at least 50,000 words of your novel in November. There’s lots of support online and in-person groups, too, depending on where you live. There are worksheets to complete ahead of time about characters and plot so that you have some ideas before you start, but they’re totally not mandatory.

      I’m just thinking that if he wants to write a novel, then maybe as a family you could find the time if it only lasts 30 days…..

      • The Slapdash Sewist

        I was going to recommend NaNoWriMo as well. It’s not until November, but he can spend the time between now and then coming up with a plot, timeline, characters, etc. I’ve done it twice and it is really awesome–the message boards are active and supportive and the local group in DC is as well. It will be a month of him cramming words into every spare minute, and that month won’t be fun for you, but having a deadline sounds like a good thing for him.

        As for the publisher–without a plot outline or a previous novel, I am guessing this is a vanity press? Seriously, he’s not getting calls from “a publisher,” he’s getting telemarketing sales calls from someone who wants his money and will gladly publish an entire book of lorem ipsum as long as you pay. You need to get them to stop calling you. When he has an actual book, he can decide whether he wants to pay to see it in print, and at that point he should shop around to see who has the best deal.

        • magpie

          Thirding NaNoWriMo. And I know you said he’s busy, but try getting him into one of those “I’m writing a novel” support groups/workshops (they’re especially plentiful around NaNoWriMo time, I believe the website may even have some listings)… It’ll be good for him to air his work, get some honest feedback from disinterested people (whose constructive criticism he may find easier to accept than if it had come from you…) If he’s a truly uninspired writer, maybe he’ll see from the workshop and high-discipline experience that it’s not for him. If it turns out that he gets a lot out of it and other people are enjoying what he writes, then he’ll have an outlet and so be that much less likely to clutter up your together-time with such conversations. :)

          Speaking as a twenty-something baby attorney with six unfinished novels behind me, I can assure you that while the urge is different for every person, often it comes from both a very generous–giving of yourself, your own story, your ‘human essence,’ however blargh that sounds–and a very selfish (slouching toward immortality) place. He should differentiate between the two. The former gives passion and urgency to writing; the latter drains it and makes the writer an ornery, frustrated, defensive, and generally unpleasant person to be around. If he’s writing for the latter reason, hopefully NaNoWriMo will help him be more realistic and honest about his reasons and goals (and their costs). If it’s the former, it should help him realize that there’s a) no rush, and b) no compulsion to “publish” per se. Maybe he can blog, serialize, publish online–there’s really a million options.

          I suspect that, at core, he wants to write and publish because he wants to “be someone.” If that’s the case, try to sympathize with it (even if it’s annoying as heck), because Ii promise you there’s nothing so gnawing as the sense that despite everything you’ve done and accomplished, you’re still somehow an incomplete person. If you can, talk it through with him and try to help him see it differently.

          Bucket lists are fantastic things, after a fashion…but when you get more focused on crossing items off the list than on the actual life experience they’re supposed to be a part of, that’s pretty sad. Recall that Last Holiday movie with Queen Latifah (don’t laugh, it’s got a sweet soul): the point is that life goes on; a bucket list is only to help you figure out why it’s worth living.

          • FP Angie

            I love that Queen Latifah movie. On my bucket list is staying at that hotel!

          • Silvercurls

            Welcome to the club of People Who Submit Very Long Posts to This Blog. (“Treatise” may be more apt in my case. Scroll down. Ahem.) Not saying whether this is good or bad, just saying (and in my own case just saying and saying and saying…) Won’t rename myself Silvercurls At Length because long ago I realized that having only _short_ hair is, in my case, a good decision.

          • NancyD

            Fourth vote for NaNoWriMo. I’ve tried it three times and completed a novel two of those. Honestly, it’s totally doable even with a “real” life! Going into November, DH knows I will be very distracted and our time together very limited, but since it’s just for one month and it is so energizing for me, he is totally supportive. I suggest Chris Baty’s book, No Plot No Problem, as a good guide to the process.

      • Senior Attorney

        Yes, this. He’ll have until November 1 to gear up, and perhaps you and he can negotiate between now and then to give him some space and time to make it happen during the month.

        And I LOVED that Queen Latifah movie!!

    • Greener Apple

      I use random big projects to keep myself focused. I just read something about procrastination working just fine as a strategy, so long as you are always doing something. I wish I could find the article. It made sense to me–sometimes scheduling and procrastinating on large-scale non-work projects is a pretty motivating way to get myself to do necessary work that I can’t quite focus on completing, giving me something else to think about and manage. Not sure if that’s in any way true in this case–it’s just what I thought of when I read your question!

    • Anon

      Introduce him to fanfiction.net. Maybe he can write the next 50 Shades of Grey. :P

    • DealCube

      Why do you need to understand the motivation to be supportive? As long as this is a goal that is not going to have a major impact on his ability to contribute to your family, I would think that the fact that it makes him feel good is more than enough reason to be supportive. It sounds like crossing off bucket list items gives your DH a sense if satisfaction from his “me” time. He could sit around watching sports or engaging in some other hobby, but instead he picks a bucket list item. He gets both wind down time and a sense of accomplishment. Sounds like something quite worthy of support.

      • ch

        I feel like the OP is acting like a helicopter mom to her own husband. You don’t have to tell him how to accomplish his goal. You don’t have to even be involved with this unless he asks you to. Who cares if he’s successful or not? Lots of people have lofty goals that may or may not pan out. Stop hovering.

        • Blue

          Also, as someone who works in publishing, I think it seems completely unrealistic that he has a publisher calling his home regularly if he doesn’t really have a working manuscript yet. Unless he is a previously published novelist, most publishers won’t set up a contract with him until the novel is done and has been represented by a literary agent. I wonder if this is some kind of self-publishing company. Definitely a red flag.

    • Coach Laura

      Anon – hubby wants to write novel – I want to write a novel but haven’t had time either but my kids are grown, so I have no excuse.

      I have a couple thoughts. One, your hubby may feel that he’s spinning his wheels in life, tied down by kids, a mortgage, the hamster wheel of life. Having that dream out there may help him feel that his life has meaning or that he matters or that he has a life outside of the shared family life – which can be chaotic with young kids. One thing I’ve learned (the hard way maybe) is that partners sometimes have different needs for downtime during the prime child-raising years. Even though you think it’s a pipe dream and will never work, I suggest you “allow” him that as a gift. If it’s that he’s not focusing on the family (or leaving you holding the bag) you may need to negotiate tradeoffs but freezing him out might hurt your relationship.

      Second, the ideas of NaNoWriMo and/or a writing class are good ones. My suggestion would be that he use his commute time. If he drives, he could use and bluetooth and record his thoughts. If he takes a train or bus, he could write long-hand notes or get a small netbook. (I just bought one for that purpose.) Or he could get up a half-hour early and write before the rest of the family wakes up. He could also get to work early and write before it gets busy at work.

      Walter Mosley wrote a good but short book “This Year you Write your Novel” and he suggests writing in the same place at the same time each day and specifically recommends first thing in the morning. Perhaps you could give your hubby this book as a gift. Best wishes.

      • anon

        Original poster here. I just want to thank all of you who have provided such thoughtful comments on my post. Writing here, and reading your comments and questions, has really helped me clarify what my reservations are about my husband’s plans to write a novel. I think magpie really the nail on the head. I guess it just seems all a bit boastful to me – to write a novel not for the sake of the story that you want to tell, but more for the opportunity to tell eveyone that you are a published author. For example, he goes around telling random people (like teachers at parent-teacher conferences) that he is a pilot. I find that really distatesful and I feel that a large part of his motivation here is to be able to rattle off his list of accomplishments to show that he is “someone” as magpie describes. But I do want to supportive and encouraging of his dream nonetheless.

        To answer a couple of the questions:
        – I have never discouraged him from writing a novel. In fact, I have tired to encourage him by for example pointing out books on creative writing at the bookstore (he’s never been interested). I don’t see that I’m hovering or embarassed about his writing. The problem, from my perspective, is that he can sense that I am not super-enthusiatic about this project and I think it hurts him.
        – He is clearly thinking that this would be a self-published novel.

        I’ve taken notes on all your suggestions – the book, the idea of a writing class or support group, and especially NaNoWriMo. So next time he brings it up I can be supportive by offering concrete suggesitons if he is indeed serious about this novel.

        • Anonymous

          “For example, he goes around telling random people (like teachers at parent-teacher conferences) that he is a pilot. I find that really distatesful and I feel that a large part of his motivation here is to be able to rattle off his list of accomplishments to show that he is “someone” as magpie describes.”
          You sound like you don’t even like him. Do you hold everyone you know to such a high standard, or just your husband? You’ve got him under this magnifying glass, and you sound totally uncharitable about how you view him — like, you’re willfully seeing him in the worst light possible.

          • a.

            Well, everyone has things that bug them about people, even people that they care deeply about. For example, my best friend, quasi-sister, ride-or-die homegirl, can be a giant flake. My former Gentleman Caller would sometimes say the most arrogant things imaginable (which was unrelated to our breakup). My mom always has to be the victim. Just some examples. So I don’t think it’s unusual for the OP to be annoyed by this one quirk of her husband’s, and I think she sounds willing to chalk it up to the Dan Savage “price of admission” idea.

        • Research, Not Law

          Telling people that he’s a pilot when he doesn’t maintain a license would annoy me, too. Learning to fly is not the same thing as being a pilot. My ex used to rush through things the easiest way possible just so that he could add it to his “why I’m better than other people” list. He had no passion for it; he just knew other people would look highly upon it. Drove me nuts

          No further advice. I just wanted to let you know that I can relate since I may have come down a bit hard on you originally.

  18. AnnonFoo

    Do you have any recommendation for good shoes to use for gym classes, especially good for jumping and lots of lateral movement? I have a pair of cross trainer that needs to be replaced, I almost skid the other day and now scared I would roll my ankles. Won’t hurt if they come in cool colors like this one, but stability is most important.
    TIA.

    • mascot

      I have a pair of New Balance 505 for the gym. They seem to have decent lateral support and the ankle area is more bulked up than my running shoes. I got them at RackRoom or some equivalent store so they may have a new model number. Not exciting colors though, silver/pink/white.

    • Statutesq

      I have Nike Free’s that I use exclusively in the gym for these types of work-outs. I have a lot more control when doing agility type movements than I would in traditional tennis shoes. They take a little getting used to, but I think they are great for agility, balance, lateral, jumping, sprinting type activities. And they come in fun neon colors.

  19. c.t.

    Hi everyone, I’m a first time poster here. I am in the process of hiring a housekeeping service to clean my house every two weeks or so. I’ve never used such a service before and am, frankly, a bit wary about finding the right company, not getting ripped off, etc. Has anyone used a service that they would recommend? I live in Los Angeles. Thanks!

    • KA

      I would actually suggest hiring a person and not a service. (In other words, talk to your friends and get a reference.). Barbara Ehrenreich’s description of working for a cleaning service in *Nickel and Dimed* was persuasive for me. Good luck!

      • SpaceMountain

        I hire a service so I don’t have to worry about the household employee tax. It was way too much trouble to figure out when we had a nanny, and I don’t want to go there again.

        • NancyD

          Totally agree. The company manages the employment end. I leave cash tips occasionally and at Christmas time.

  20. I am a banana.

    Following up on the threads a few weeks ago discussing comfortable commuting flats:

    I just bought the Puma Zandy and they feel like a hug on my feet. I got them in the Silver Birch color from the site that starts with Z and ends with appos. They are a little sporty but not too much, and they look really cute with skinny jeans. Just thought I’d share – I do a ton of walking in SF and I’m really, really happy with my purchase.

    (I wear size 11, wider foot, narrow ankle. They could do with an arch insert if I’m going to walk more than a mile. No break in required.)

      • I am a banana.

        We should start a club!

        For the club, other size 11 shoes I’ve found that are cute and comfortable: Nine West “Ambitious” pump (I know NW gets a bad rap but I seriously love those pumps, I have them in two colors and walked two miles in them once); BP Runway boots; and the Naturalizer wedge that Kat featured here a year or so ago (I have not found anything cute by them before or since but that particular shoe is amazeballs).

        • anon

          Thanks so much for these suggestions. What’s the calf circumference like on the BP runway boots? Would they work on slightly wide calves?

          • I am a banana.

            I have athletic/slightly wide calves and they work for me. They were a little bit tight to zip up the first time over skinnies but I haven’t had an issue since.

        • AttiredAttorney

          Another size 11 wearer here , and I also own two pairs of the Nine West Ambitious! I’m also a fan of the Bandolino Zadina -a great low heeled, pointy toe shoe that I always wear when I know I’m going to be walking.

        • anon

          My sympathies. I’m a size 11 narrow, with a very narrow heel and wider forefoot. Slim pickings. I generally wear mary jane’s – the only style of shoes that I don’t walk out of!

        • MJ

          Holla! I’m 11.5 too! Often 12. You know what they say about people who have big feet?

          • Mpls

            They have a hard time finding shoes? My grandma has been known to say “You don’t need a big foundation for an outhouse”….which somehow relates to big feet and is a compliment, I guess.

    • L

      I had a pair of these until I wore them to death. Super comfy! In a pinch I’ve used them even to work out when I forgot my sneakers. I need to get another pair, but currently am on a shopping ban. :(

  21. anon

    Given all of the recent talk about Catfishing.. Am I the only one that is convinced e_pontellier is scamming all of us? All of the talk about her crazy husband, therapy, then no therapy, then she’s moving out, and then suddenly she’s contemplating a baby? I’m suspicious. Let’s discuss.

    • NOLA

      Seriously? Let’s not. Calling someone out personally is just not necessary.

    • A different anon

      Let’s not discuss. If you think she (or anyone else) is “scamming us,” then you don’t have to read or respond to her posts.

    • Equity's Darling

      Weekend thread always has someone that makes me think “….and this is why we can’t have nice things”. Boo.

    • Herbie

      Okay, don’t everybody jump all over me for saying this… but I’ve harbored suspicions for awhile that Ellen isn’t real.

      • original poster

        I don’t understand why everyone blames the weekend thread and/or posters as though they’re somehow “different” from regular posters. I am a regular reader and it just seems silly that people have spent quite a bit of time responding to what appear to be fake threads.

        • HIVE

          YOU CANNOT QUESTION THE HIVE. ONLY THE HIVE CAN QUESTION THE HIVE. YOU ARE NOT IN THE HIVE, UNLESS YOU ARE ONE OF THE HIVE. EVERYONE ELSE IS MEAN GIRL. UNLESS ITS THE HIVE. HIVE IS ONLY TOUGH LOVING TO OTHERS. OTHERS ARE MEAN GIRL TO HIVE.

        • Alex

          YOU CANNOT QUESTION THE HIVE. ONLY THE HIVE CAN QUESTION THE HIVE. YOU ARE NOT IN THE HIVE, UNLESS YOU ARE ONE OF THE HIVE. EVERYONE ELSE IS MEAN GIRL. UNLESS ITS THE HIVE. HIVE IS ONLY TOUGH LOVING TO OTHERS. OTHERS ARE MEAN GIRL TO HIVE.

      • SFBayA

        HiveFive, Herbie. And spot on. If you don’t think a given poster is real, just as if you’re not interested in a particular threadjack, keep scrolling. I scroll past Ellen’s comments. I also scroll past some other topics not interesting to me from ladies I believe are real. There’s no reason to be rude or accusatory. If you don’t like something or someone, vote with your scroll wheel.

        And what does it matter if they are real or not? If you accuse, either they are real, and you’ve really hurt a real person’s feelings, or they are not real. If not real, either the “fake” person is going to deny it, or the fake person is/isn’t going to stick around. It’s not like being accused of being fake gets someone banned (shades of SOPA/PIPA), so I don’t see the point of making accusations. The risk/reward ratio tips in favor of risk.

        And me, too, Equity’s Darling. This is why we can’t have nice things.

        • cc

          Well I can see value when people are actually being scammed in stating that the person is fake. Ie if people are donating money or something. There are tons of news stories like this, where donations are made for a member of an online community, and its not true or the scenerio/cancer is not real.

          • SFBayA

            Good point, cc. That would definitely be a reason to call people out as fake. But I don’t think donations have been suggested here, other than one in-person meetup which was handled by the ladies who went. We seem to all be appropriately very cautious about sharing personal information.

      • Two Cents

        Yes, I have harbored similar suspicions. :) :)

        On a more serious note, I too don’t like these personal attacks. If you don’t like someone’s post, please skip it.

      • little advice

        so, what if Ellen IS REAL? and is secretly super sad that we all think she’s a troll? oh, the mind games…

        • meme

          I am worried that Ellen has a degenerative disease. Because her spelling and grammar abilities have seriously deteriorated since she first began posting.

      • JadeMoon

        Of course she’s not. She or he is at times kinda witty, but is now mostly tedious. My fantasy is that ELLEN is a junior boy in prep school in nyc. I just skip Ellen when I’m not in the mood for hyperbole.
        .

        • Saacnmama to K in transition

          I’ve always assumed ELLEN was some kind of spoof, maybe an inside joke that looked odd to me because ingot in on it too late. Lately there have been a couple of ELLEN posts that contribute to the discussion, if you weed through all the standard characters in her stuff. A pleasent little surprise.

      • Vinnie

        Ellen is every man’s fantasy girl. She has a job, is evidently very good looking and is not too much of a feminista. The fact she cannot spell very well should not be a turn-off, because most guys like to be in the driver’s seat and she is not going to challenge them intellectually (at least I would hope not). As long as she brings home a good paycheck and is good in bed, what guy wouldn’t want that? That’s what I want, and a lot of my friends too who have been following her.

    • not my usual name

      I have thought it because I don’t want her situation to be true, but people have actually met her in real life. But I did feel, I don’t know if hurt was the right word but I spent a lot of time crafting my responses to her problems and felt emotionally invested. To hear she was thinking about babies with “DH” honestly left me feeling reeling. But that says more about me getting too caught up in internet friends I think. Her life though not mine. In general I think we should stay away from these types of call out type things.

      • A different anon

        My take:

        Whether an internet posters or a real life friend, sometimes someone will pose a question, you will craft a heartfelt response and hope that the person who asked will take your response to heart when making a decision. And sometimes, they do. And sometimes, it goes in one ear and out the other. And then you get to decide whether or not it is worth it to you to answer another question from them, should one arise, often the same/a similar question, or to simply decline to perpetuate the cycle.

        But it is your choice, for YOU. There is nothing that “we” need to do. Every woman (or man – if there are any of them on here!) can decide what, and to whom, to respond to.

        • Fiona

          Also, I think one of the reasons to post comments and feedback here is not just to help the person who posted, but also to help anyone else who might be reading and going through something similar. One thing that’s so valuable about this community is that our problems are often more universal than we might have thought, whether that is an immature husband who pouts about the New York Marathon, bad performance reviews, weekends ruined by insensitive employers, student loans, bad boyfriends, bad dates, infertility… you name it. In any of these cases only the OP can decide what’s best for the OP, but in the meantime, I’m sure a lot of other people benefit from the questions and the answers.

          • a.

            + a million.

            Also, I hadn’t read this thread when I posted above. But really, ladies, let’s please be nice to each other, and understand that we do not get to dictate someone else’s decisions, no matter how long we spend writing a heartfelt post with advice for her.

      • Saacnmama

        Posting on a “this can’t be happening” topic is one way to get support from a community without going through the embarrassment of telling people in real life, where it has real repercussions for a long time. Let’s be that supportive community that doesn’t dangle in people’s faces the struggles they’ve dealt with in the past, so we can trust one another with the tough stuff.

      • Anonymous

        Honestly? I think she’s an idiot, and I hope she doesn’t come back. I didn’t know that she was contemplating a baby with her and now I’m reeling too. That’s just enraging, and she’s frankly a fool.

        • De

          This is exactly the opposite of what this site is about.

          e_pont is always kind to people who post on here, she absolutely deserves the same, no matter what is going on for her IRL.

        • Saacnmama

          Kat, even though this person is posting as anon, I hope you can identify her by the computer she’s using and remove her from the community you’ve brought together, &/or that you address the attacks on K and e directly.

      • original poster

        I don’t understand how I am “attacking” anyone. I questioned whether someone is a real person posting their real problems, as opposed to creating a fictitious identity. I didn’t accuse anyone of being a sexual predator or a murderer, for God’s sake.

        And I’m not saying we should dictate her decisions. I’m simply asking whether there is a concern or view among other readers that some of the “regular” posters, most notably e_pont, are real. Really, let’s calm down on the mean girl accusations.

        • rosie

          I think that accusing someone of being fake and making up the substance of their posts is an attack. Wanting to discuss particular posters and whether or not they are making up stories sounds pretty mean girl to me.

      • LadyEnginerd

        This. What convinces me e_pont is real is that she seems to be taking two steps forward and one step back and seems deeply conflicted. I don’t mean this judgmentally – just that this is a normal and natural way to be when something leaves us questioning who we are.

      • meme

        Are y’all sure e_pont’s husband is abusive? I don’t claim to have read every single thread ever written on the topic, but from what I’ve read I just thought he sounded like a class A immature jerk, not abusive. Did I miss something (seriously asking)? I’m not a professional in this field and have no personal experience with this particular type of jerky behavior, so it’s also possible I’ve read all the same threads as everyone else and just didn’t pick up on the abuse.

    • Different Anon

      I thought it was elaborate trolling, then thought it might be real because people have met her, but when the babies reference came up, I thought it must be trolling again.

      If it’s real, it breaks my heart (especially the reference to babies, which literally makes me want to cry for those children). If it’s not, it’s extremely well-done trolling. Either way, I worry about the person behind the user name. I have said before that the user name is clearly a cry for help (Edna Pontellier is the name of the woman with marital problems in the classic “The Awakening,” and ends up killing herself at the end of the book.)

    • TCFKAG

      Not only is e.pont real – she has been met by several posters on this site in person and e-mailed with many more. But more specifically, she is experiencing a marraige that is honestly not at all unusual. Anyone who has worked with with women in emotional or physically abusive relationships would recognize e.pont’s marriage. She and I have e-mailed about it.

      Just because YOU do not understand what she’s going through doesn’t mean what she’s going through isn’t reality. The truth is that the cycle of abuse can be incredibly difficult for people who have never experienced it to understand. But one thing that this website can give you is a window into the REALITIES of other people’s lives, not filtered through the lies and half-truths we tell our friends. There is real brutal emotional honesty shared here. If you can’t handle that, skip the posts.

      But in short, she is real. And so are many of the posters people have said “can’t have real problems” – because people in this world have MUCH MORE SERIOUS problems than you do – and just because you don’t understand how they react to them doesn’t make it invalid. Don’t call trolling just because they don’t react how you would.

      • Ru

        As someone who has personally met e.pont, let me just tell you that she is every bit the way a Corporette appears to be. Lovely, confident, strong and kind. I am actually really happy to have met her and consider her a dear friend. LAY OFF HER. Your speculation as to whether she or anyone else is real completely dehumanizes her and diminishes her struggles. Grow up.

        • NOLA

          Ru, you have hit the nail on the head here. The posts about two posters here in the past couple of days have been truly hurtful to the very real people who they refer to. Do people here think that they won’t see these postings and be hurt? Would you treat people in your real life like this? I don’t get the whole “regular posters getting territorial” thing. Honestly, I just feel so badly that anonymous people are willing to say horrible hurtful things to someone just because they have an opinion. Tough love? The posters in question don’t know or love this person and they feel obligated to slap them down. And, as for people not being “willing” to accept advice, because we don’t know each other IRL, we don’t know all of the nuances in a relationship. I don’t get why people assume that the advice they have given is just perfect for the person who asked. We take what we can over time and absorb it all and make our own decisions as smart, confident women. This can be a wonderful, supportive community but not if we start treating people in ways that would be completely unacceptable IRL. I have gotten attacked for defending people but my point is that I just don’t treat people that way!

          • cynthia

            1. I don’t understand when people get all bent out of shape about “anons” Anons are real people. they read everyday, post under different names, contribute, and listen to people’s stories. They go anon because they know that people flip out if you try to point something out that isn’t a *hug*

            2. I would absolutely say these things to my friends in real life. Are you saying that if you listened to someone, a friend you cared about, talk about her abusive husband, gave advice, listened, gave sympathy, and then she was like me and the dear are thinking about ttc, you would just be like lovely! No, I would say wow, e. I am very surprised to hear that. I can’t say I think its a good idea. The difference is because its online, we don’t even know if it is real. And in this situation, there is one perfect piece of advice. Dont stay with your abuser, and dont have babies with him. There really is not much nuance there.

            All that said, I don’t like these call out threads, but I don’t think they are mean girl or a personal attack. Obviously, more than one person has felt that way about the people mentioned. I know e has been met personally so she is real, but I don’t think it is a personal attack to ask the question. On a site where there are people getting very emotionally invested, I think there can even be value in it. I think this discussion would have gone very differently if people had just responded “Yes, I have personally met her” instead of the “HOW COULD YOU”

          • anon

            cynthia, that you would harsh on your friends IRL like that is offputting even if you don’t go anon.

            it makes me glad i’m not your friend.

        • Anonymous

          Oh, dry up, Ru. You’re the most territorial of this site of all. Lay off her? How dare you? People here invested time in her problems, and are struggling to understand how she’s contemplating having a freaking baby with the man. It’s galling.

          • anon

            Oh, so just because people invested in e_pont, she has to do exactly what you tell her?

            wow, you are a controlling b. and territorial to boot.

          • @anon

            “It makes me glad I’m not your friend.”
            That’s very helpful, anon. You’ve contributed a lot to this discussion. Anon is glad that she is not cynthia’s friend, everyone. This has cleared everything up.

          • @anon

            Cynthia said that she would say this: “I would say wow, e. I am very surprised to hear that. I can’t say I think its a good idea.”
            Harsh! I can see, anon, why you would not want to be Cynthia’s friend, hearing attacks like this. I can see why you felt the need to voice that you are glad that you’re not her friend.

      • Silvercurls

        To everyone who has posted in support of e.pont, thank you!
        To e.pont: please know that people here (ones you’ve met IRL or via email, and ones you don’t know at all) are really, truly wishing you well in finding a way to shape your life in a way that really, truly makes you happy to be _you_–with or without anyone else who is, or is not, part of your life right now. We want you to feel able to shape your life as you freely and comfortably choose.

        Special commendations to:
        – Fiona, for making the point that a lot of readers here gain wisdom from reading threads even if they don’t directly reflect events in our own lives (count me among the learners)
        – k-padi, for suggesting googling “cycle of abuse”
        – TCFKAG, for being especially eloquent in attesting to e.pont’s real existence IRL (in real life); for clearly explaining that even if a problem seems unreal and/or incomprehensible to an onlooker it is still _very real_ to the person experiencing it; and for stating so clearly that “real brutal emotional honesty” is part of so many posts on this blog

        to Different Anon: I finally see what you mean about the user name being “clearly a cry for help.” (I read “The Awakening” many years ago, in my pre-depression days when I had no idea about, well, many things in life.) Yes, it’s scary to realize that someone is feeling so closed in or so surrounded by unappealing choices, like that particular unhappily married late 19th century literary character (living in a time when it could be impossible for a woman to support herself financially, etc etc). BUT unlike the character, e.pont is still out there, still working to resolve her situation, and still reaching out to the people on this blog (and others, I hope) either in this space or elsewhere.

        Life can be hard and situations don’t have to be ranked on a scale from “seriously bad” to “annoying but basically frivolous” before a suffering person can feel legitimately distressed. We all do the best we can with whatever internal and external resources we have at the time.

        Okay, my philosophy lecture is over. Everyone take care and have a good weekend.

        • Anonymous

          I do NOT KNOW her but I agree. Not every body lives a charmed life on Park avenue. We have ISSUES to work on and we ask THE HIVE to advice.

          I hope to be MARRIED with child, so I ask the HIVE for help with my diet and professional questions, and KAT has been my role model even tho I went to GW and she GEORGE TOWN law.

          Mabye some day we can play it forward with your daughters as we will be seasoned hive peeople by then. Yay!

      • reg anon

        +1000. Although I am a regular poster, I have never posted about my marriage… but whenever e_pont posted I identified with some aspects of her relationship… my DH and I have had some intense high-low cycles in our marriage the past 2 years because of work and other family stuff. There are times I want out but there are also times that I absolutely love my DH and our marriage. And we are currently expecting our first child. Point is, our marriage is equal parts good and bad but if an outsider only knew about the low points, they might wonder why I am with him. None of us know exactly what’s going on with e_pont’s relationship so it’s really wrong for someone to feel “let down” by her choices or question whether she’s a real person.

      • anon

        I have a real problem with saying that abusive marriages are not unusual. Also, there is a huge difference between problems, like death illness, etc, and self imposed problems. She goes on here, writes about how abusive he is, and then two seconds letter is talking about children and calling him dear. I totally get the cycle of abuse, but at somepoint you have to take responsibility for those choices that you are making, abused or no.

        • TCFKAG

          I don’t think I said that abusive marriages are always healthy or safe or any of many adjectives that you might demand be applied to a “normal” marriage. But I said they aren’t unusual – because they aren’t. But they are frequently hidden behind closed doors.

          And when you talk about personal responsibility. The truth is that leaving an abusive relationship is.not.easy. People who have never been in one and have not been exposed to many do not understand the difficult and complicated emotional, financial, and safety considerations that can go into leaving that sort of relationship. So before you preach about personal responsibility – try to have some empathy. And understand that leaving is not as easy as walking out the door.

          • Anonymous

            All the more reason not to have a child, who will either be the next victim or have to witness this. It is one thing to say it is not easy to leave. It is another to not vocally, consistently, and unequivocally say that bringing a child in to an environment that has a history of abuse is a terrible idea. An parent’s first priority needs to be the emotional and physical safety of their child. Someone who is an abusive relationship cannot fulfill that duty. For people who have children and then find themselves in an abusive relationship, things can be more complicated, but there isn’t the same gray area when conception is still a choice.

          • TCFKAG

            Anonymous – I don’t think anyone in this thread so far has said “YAY – we think e.pont should have all.the.babies!!!!” What we HAVE said is that singling her out – saying you think she’s a troll – and then continuing to repeat all the ways you think she’s making poor choices…in a thread she hasn’t even participated in is a bit unnecessary.

            That’s it. I’m a bit unclear on how this is difficult to understand.

          • anon

            They are not frequent! Jesus christ this is the kind of thinking that makes abused women stay. well everybody goes through this stufff, it could be even worse for some people. They are unusual. Most men are not abusive. Most relationships are not abusive! Jesus this thread is so depressing.

    • Saacnmama

      Agree with others that this is a mean post.

      Has it occurred to you that his is the way marriages work? If you’re married, that’s who you have kids with.

      • Anonymous

        Both marriage and having children are choices in today’s world. It’s one thing to lock yourself into a bad choice. It’s another to willfully bring another human being into the mess. If you wouldn’t want your son or daughter to be in the marriage you have when they grow up (when they would at least have the ability to leave), then why would you choose to bring them in as passive observers and potential victims?

        • Silvercurls

          Disclaimers: 1) I have no expertise on abusive marriages (as a spouse, bystander, scholar, therapist, or shelter professional); 2) This is a general comment, not directed at e.pont or any other individual.

          Comment: Perhaps part of the dynamic of an abusive relationship is that the participants are not able to make the same sorts of decisions re having children that they might be able to make if they were in a different (less abusive) relationship.

          Also, even in 2013, not all people (or women) feel equally empowered to identify or act upon their childbearing preferences–whether or not they are in a relationship involving unequal power between the spouses. I suspect that most of the women who read this blog _do_ feel empowered in this area–but people can have all sorts of influences and circumstances (family patterns, religious beliefs) in their lives. Educated, opinionated, strong-minded, assertive, questioning, and accomplished women can also be quite Traditional–by default or by choice–in some of their life choices or opinions.

      • Anon

        “Has it occurred to you that his is the way marriages work? If you’re married, that’s who you have kids with.” – There are no kids yet, so it is not unreasonable to question this decision. At this point, I think I should just skip over Saacnmama’s comments.

        • At 9:15 am anon

          Hear, hear. I disagree with Saacnmama on this general e_p subject too but I for one will certainly not ever be skipping over her posts. I appreciate her perspective, and she’s helped me with good advice on here more than once.

    • MaggieLizer

      Nothing to add that hasn’t been said already in support of e_pont, but I just wanted to leave an internet hug here for her. *Hug*

  22. skincare PSA

    The Clarisonic Mia 2 is $69 plus shipping at sharing spree today (link not posted to avoid moderation).

  23. anonypotamus

    Just wanted to post back with a review of the Donna Morgan Ruched Waist Ponte Sheath Dress from Nordstrom that Herbie linked to a few weeks ago. Just got mine in the mail.

    FWIW I am 5’9″ and 6-8 depending, large of chest and rear, smallish of waist. This dress was a lovely heavy ponte with a nice stretch but provided some shape. Unfortunately, it is going back. :( I was hoping for a dress to wear to work, and this hit me mid-thigh (like, questionable even to wear to wear out without tights, unless I was contemplating a Serena van der Woodsen look). The color was gorgeous. I ordered a 6 which was fairly fitted, but would have been appropriate under a blazer had it been a longer length.

    The price was awesome (I think around $75ish if I recall correctly). Someone else (shorter) please buy it so I can live vicariously through you :)

    • Herbie

      *shakes fist at Nordstrom* I also will not be wearing that dress, though I adored the color. I ordered a smaller size and a larger size. Nordstrom cancelled my order for the smaller size; larger size was too large.

  24. Anon

    Hi, all:

    I am a 1L (T30 school with great alumni network and presence) and just got my grades today. I was excited when I found out my grades, but then I looked at my GPA (less exciting since LRW is high but is weighed much less). The school did not release any sort of reference for the grades (what the professors curved on (they have a pretty wide range to pick from), percentiles, or average section GPA), and they do not calculate (or at least release) percentiles until the end of the year. From looking at the ranges for curves, the grades seem decent. However, looking at last year’s 1L sections’ percentile cutoffs makes me less confident. (The problem with these is that the professors for the sections are different, so they might be different curves. Also, this is a comparison of full year versus one semester, though I don’t think that will change much unless some second semester professors use higher curves or something.) From that, it looks like I missed top third (from rough calculations, am in top half).

    I guess this is a bit of frustration that even with my grades, I don’t really know how I did (and sharing with somebody), but I’m also wondering thoughts any attorneys have on this with summer employment and spring semester.

    • Rala

      Just to be completely honest, you probably will not be able to find summer employment through OCI (unless your school has small and medium firms represented as well as the traditional Biglaw firms). BUT this is in no way a barrier to you getting a job. Start reaching out now to alums, via your career services office if you need help finding them, in your desired practice area. If you don’t know what you want to do, try and arrange some informational interviews. The more people you meet, the better your chances of landing a job.

      • Anon 1L (Original)

        Thank you. I’ve been trying to do this but definitely will increase what I’m doing. I also have reason to believe the average in my section is lower than in the past, but I don’t want to count on that, obviously! (It may just be wishful thinking, especially considering the law school rumor mill…) Unfortunately, there is no way to know until the end of the year I figure the best I can do is work hard (making some adjustments) and keep pushing myself to do my absolute top performance.

        Also, thank you for your honesty. That’s exactly why I posted here – I appreciate people trying to make me feel better, which does have its place, but I really need the truth/others’ opinions. That’s one of the things I love about this community.

    • big dipper

      It’s possible you go to my law school based on your date of post/abbreviation/school description. I’m a 3L and (if you do go to my school) would be happy to chat with you about grades, etc. I was super confused and stressed about figuring out how I was doing during 1L, so I feel your pain. Anyways, my email is bigdippersays at gmail dot com if you’re interested.

  25. lateral law firm interviews

    For those of you who have gone through it, I would like to know what the lateral interview and hiring process is like in BigLaw. Similar to call-backs for summer associate positions? Also, it seems to me that questions on subjects like consideration for promotion to partner, start date, compensation, etc. should be saved for after (if!) a formal offer is made – does the Hive agree?

    • Legally Brunette

      Yes, pretty much like call backs for summers, obviously with more emphasis on post-law school experience and at times, experience in that particular practice area. I met with 5-6 attorneys over the course of 3-4 hours, and then an offer was given a week later. I’m pretty sure there was only one round of interviews. Re: your questions, I think the promotion trajectory and questions about how soon they are looking to hire are perfectly valid. I would not ask about compensation, mostly because all of that is usually public information and you can find out yourself without having to ask the firm. Check Above the Law.

    • cbackson

      Depends on how far you are into it. If you’re a senior-level associate, I think that it’s appropriate (indeed, encouraged) to show interest in the path to partnership. I wouldn’t ask about comp. I would ask about start date if you know you would have some limitations on when you could start (I moved for my job, and had to finish a stint as an adjunct before I could leave).

    • LH

      I was technically hired as a lateral, although I was a pretty recent grad and unemployed at the time, so the process may have been a bit different. I had one day of interviews at the firm where I met about 8 people (some in person, some via video). This was only 4-5 hours but was absolutely grueling and was much more exhausting than I remember OCI callbacks being. Then I got a call from my recruiter that they liked me but weren’t sure and wanted me to meet some more people. I went to a different office (that was driving distance) and interviewed with another 2 or 3 people. This was shorter, probably just an hour or two. Then I got the offer. I would say the questions I was asked were pretty similar to what I was asked during law school interviewing. Mostly softball questions about my background, experience, interests, etc, with the occasional person that liked weirder questions.

      I would not ask about compensation until you have an offer. I think its fine to ask about how you get promoted to partner, even if you’re not especially senior. I also think its ok to ask about start date but I would make clear you’re flexible unless you’re really, really not. If you just have a strong preference for a particular date you can let them know about that after the offer.

      For what its worth, I’m now on the other side and have interviewed several laterals. The biggest question from candidates that really puts me off, other than compensation, is asking about hours and work life balance. We work very hard on my team and I don’t want to hire someone who isn’t going to work hard or who is going to complain about it. I’m a little more forgiving of law students who ask about this because they’re just starting out and may be trying to figure out what they’re getting into/whether they want to get into it at all. But as a lateral associate, you should display nothing but enthusiasm for the job and eagerness to work very hard.

      • Boston 1L

        This is interesting to me as a law student, because most people have encouraged us to ask about work-life balance and hours (not as in how many hours will I specifically work, but to get an idea of if it is a mutual fit).

        • Anonymous

          Who has encouraged that? Unless you have a resume where you expect to have multiple offers (rare in this economy), these types of questions should not be asked until after you have an offer. Firms definitely know its a buyers market.

        • GirlMeetsWorld

          Agreed, don’t ask about work-life balance outright. The better way to get at that question is indirect–ie, what is your typical week like? Typical day? What happens when you’re workload is light? How do you get more work? Do people work from home on the weekends, bad weather etc. Also, given that it is very much a buyer’s market, as a new associate, you should be prepared to have little work-life balance. Not only are your first years critical in terms of learning and soaking up the art of lawyering, but more importantly, firms are laying off people because there isn’t enough work to go around. You want to be as busy as possible and this is the time in your life that you’re likely to be most willing to drop everything for work.

        • LH

          Yup, I agree that the only problem you should be concerned about (in the eyes of the firm) is not having enough work rather than having too much work. If you ask me about how many hours a week I work, whether I ever get to take vacation, how much I have to work on vacation, how frequently I work on weekends, etc, that comes across as you being concerned with the posisiblity of having to work too much. Of course you will want to take vacations and have some weekends off so you will be able to see friends and family. But at the interviewing stage the firm has all the power, so why give them any reason not to hire you when there are many other probably equally qualified people who express a desire to work as much as possible? And believe me, in this economy it is deluisonal to think you are so well-qualified that you are “special.” I have yet to see any candidate who is so outstanding that I really think they are irreplaceable. At this stage, you need the firm much less than they need you.

          Also, while there is certainly variation in work-life balance across firms (and probably even more so) across practice groups and partners, the bottom line is Biglaw is not, and never will be, a 9 to 5 job. You will be expected to generally be accessible all the time except when sleeping, and work many nights and weekends, often canceling other plans to do so. If this doesn’t sound like the kind of life you want, you don’t belong in Biglaw and the sooner you figure that out the better. No matter what you are told in the interview, this is the truth about virtually all Biglaw jobs.

          I will caveat this by saying that I personally would not ding someone for asking about working from home some time if they had special circumstances (e.g. a long commute, a young child, an elderly parent). I don’t see this as a desire to work less but just a desire to work from a different place. However, I am a young female and I can assure you there are many older men I work with who are obsessed with face time and absolutely see working from home as working less and would ding someone for asking about it. So I would save ANY question about work-life balance for after the offer. At that point you have considerably more power.

        • Boston 1L

          I do think it makes sense (not to bring up) – as all of you have said, the firms have the power. I’m not sure why people encourage it other than it is possibly outdated advice (though I think it would be an odd question in most interviews for BigLaw). Honestly, I don’t think I’d ask it in an interview anyways, because there is limited time and more important things to discuss.

          Would you think a question about a typical week is appropriate? I think that that tells you more about the type of work they do (and who with), which is why I would ask. I wouldn’t want someone to think I was concerned about having time off or something, though!

          Thanks for your thoughts on this.

          *Sorry to have led to a tangent on the lateral thread. I promise I did not intend to do so!

          • Laura Holt

            Yes, a question about a typical week (without asking specifically about hours) is fine (and common), but the answer is that there is no typical week :)

          • Senior Attorney

            Way back when I was interviewing, about a hundred years ago, I’d ask associates what they were doing THIS week, rather than ask about the nonexistent “typical” week.

        • Chi Squared

          I’m a senior associate at a large law firm. If a potential summer asked about work life balance, I would think they are very naive. There is no such thing as a “lifestyle” large law firm.

          • anon

            I’m a 2L, and I just have to say, our career services tells you to ask this as well. (work/life balance questions)
            I’m old enough to know better (non traditional student); but it sounds like there are many career services offices giving similar advice.

            It’s really unfortunate that so many career services offices at law schools seem to be staffed by people who have no idea what the heck they are talking about.

        • cbackson

          Ooooh, I would not do that. At least not in a biglaw interview. You want to convey eagerness to work and work hard, and that’s not a way to do it.

  26. Too Sweet For My Own Good

    I’m 12 wks pregnant and was just diagnosed with potential gestational diabetes. (In other words, I have to take a follow-up test to get an actual yes or no, but either way, my blood sugar numbers don’t look good.) Does anyone have experience with gestational diabetes or type 2 diabetes? I have a baby at home, work full time, travel extensively for work, and the thought of adding a blood sugar monitor, diet-tracking, and more exercise to my life just feels absolutely impossible. But of course, I want to do whatever I can to keep the baby healthy and safe. Any words of encouragement or support? Or should I just quit my job so I can monitor my diet and exercise levels full time? (That was a joke. I can’t quit my job or we would be homeless.)

    • Legally Brunette

      Hey there,

      Congrats on your pregnancy! My understanding is that GD is extremely common and can be controlled pretty easily. My SIL had it and it was a blessing in disguise. She ended up losing 20 pounds, felt way healthier and better about herself, and learned a lot about the importance of a proper diet and nutrition (not saying that this is your situation, but I know for some GD is a good wake up call).

      With that said, I know that she kept a very very regimented diet and tracked everything she ate in an app. She also checked her sugar regularly. Her exercise consisted of 20 minute walks every day, nothing more than that. She did all of this while working a pretty demanding job, and I don’t think that the GD got in the way of her lifestyle that much (aside from craving some foods). Her daughter is now 1 and she does not have diabetes. I know that you were joking about the quitting your job bit, but I really think that handling your GD is totally doable and will probably become second nature as you progress in your pregnancy.

      As it turns out, her husband ended up exercising more and eating better as a result of her GD, and now both of them are healthier than ever.

    • Anon

      I had it with my last baby. It was a pain at first, but after about a week I got used to the blood sugar monitoring. I would test quickly at my desk or in my car or wherever I happened to be. It was not a huge deal. I did have to change up my diet, particularly as the pregnancy progressed. It got harder to control the further along I got. I also made sure to get in at least a 15 minute walk in the evenings, usually on the treadmill since it was winter.

      I typically ate omlettes for breakfast, big salads with some type of protein and a low-sugar dressing (usually just oil and vinegar) for lunch, and some type of protein (chicken, limited fish, etc) and veggie for dinner. I had to stop having potatoes, pasta, rice, or bread with every dinner. It was ok sometimes, but not every night. My dietician encouraged a small bowl of ice cream for dessert every night (something about it has a good mix of carbs/fat/protein).

      Thankfully, the Gestational Diabetes reversed itself immediatley after delivery. I had to make sure so I ate a donut, drank a regular soda, and had a carb heavy (pasta) lunch the next day and then tested my blood sugar and it was back to normal. This was 2 years ago and everything has been fine since then. I did take it as a sign to clean up my eats in general and get more exercise and have lost about 40 pounds.

    • DJ Diabeat-it

      I’m sorry to hear that, Too Sweet – but please please don’t feel discouraged. This is something you can handle, just like everything else you’ve listed that you already do. I have Type 1 diabetes and have worked in BigLaw for over three years. I don’t know how my condition compares to gestational diabetes or Type 2, but I’m pretty confident it’s not any easier. I won’t lie and say it’s a picnic, but it can be done!

      I’ve had years to adapt to these responsibilities, and I’m sure the initial adjustment will be hard. Here are a few tips and tricks I’ve picked up along the way:

      – Try not to think of it as a burden! Sure, I have days where I just wish I could crawl into bed without having to check my blood sugar. But I think of it as something like contact lenses or teeth brushing. It’s just something I have to do for my health. I also try to think of how taking care of my diabetes makes me generally healthy – I think I tend to eat better and be more mindful of my health than most of my peers.

      – Buy multiples. I keep a blood sugar monitor at work, at home, and in my car so I’m never stranded. (Your insurance should cover these, in full or a big portion of the cost.) I also keep protein-heavy or complex carb snacks everywhere, too – my desk, my nightstand, my kitchen (duh), my purse.

      I think staying positive (and organized) is the most important part. And don’t be afraid to ask family and friends for help or to accommodate your new needs.

      PS I’ve always been curious – any others on here with diabetes? I’d love to be in contact with other professional women out there who’ve found a way to live happy and productive lives while dealing with a chronic illness.

      PPS Thank you to the New Girl for this awesome DJ name.

    • Too Sweet For My Own Good

      Thanks so much to all three of you. This is really encouraging. I’m still kind of reeling from this, but I’m so glad to know that it Can Be Done (and that some people even manage to make positive life changes as a result.)

      • Anon

        I was reeling too. I cried in my office at work after the nurse called to tell me I had failed the 3 hour test. It was an adjustment, but everything worked out. Give yourself time to get used to the news–if you to end up failing the 3 hour test–with my first two babies I failed the first test, but passed the 3 hour one. Good Luck either way. Everything will be ok.

        I was also very worried about not having the birth that I wanted–unmedicated, water birth with my midwife at a birthing center attached to a hospital. But I was able to have that birth (went into labor on my own at 38 weeks) and baby only weighed 6.5 pounds.

        • Too Sweet For My Own Good

          I was just glad that I didn’t cry in the OB’s office. (I was definitely At Risk.) I’m so glad that you had the birth you wanted. I’m not even that picky about birthing, but I would be so sad if I lost my shot at a vaginal birth because of this issue.

          I feel like one result of even this preliminary diagnosis is that I have no idea what to eat. I have pretty lousy morning sickness and the idea of vegetables is pretty repugnant right now, though I try. Carbs are my best friend to counter nausea. I just feel like I’ve lost all of my tools for how to handle pregnancy.

          • Low Carber

            Do not despair! Just head to a health food store or grocery store that carries a section for diabetics. There are all kinds of low carb foods available — pastas, breads, even chocolates (but beware, these may cause GI distress). Be sure to test your blood sugar after eating because they don’t work for everyone; some people get a spike anyway. See, e.g., http://www.dietdoctor.com/low-carb-bread-another-fairy-tale-bites-the-dust.

            I recommend making your own low-carb bread. (I know, who has time? But needs must when the devil drives. When I was pregnant with GD, I craved toasted bread with butter.) I still make a sort of pancake-style low carb bread that I got from Sugar Free Sheila’s website. Instead of flour you use ground flaxseed, hulled hempseed and/or psyllium husk. If you Google, you will find lots of recipes for low carb versions of comfort foods. I found some great recipes on message boards and blogs about low-carb dieting. This is totally doable, I promise you.

            After pregnancy, I stuck with the low-carb-high-protein diet and lost 50 pounds in less than a year without increasing my regular exercise. No joke. Only diet that has ever worked for me.

    • OCAssociate

      Keep in mind, something like 1/3 to 2/3 of the initial positives for GD are false because they set the bar so high for the initial screening. Good luck on the second screen!

      I had GD with my first pregnancy. (Got the diagnosis right before the holidays and cried because I couldn’t have pie and mashed potatoes.) Turned out it was very manageable – lots of snacks instead of big meals, lots of protein and veggies. My hospital gave me a personalized diet plan, and had a few classes on how to manage everything. I’d be glad to share details if you’re ultimately diagnosed with GD.

      As far as exercise, a 10-20 minute walk right after eating made a huge difference and kept my numbers low. (I typically did a quick trip up and down our 5 flights of stairs after lunch.)

      Once I had my numbers under control, I only had to test every other day.

      Also, it worked out in my favor because I didn’t gain a single pound in my last 2 months of pregnancy.

    • In House Lobbyist

      Don’t worry too much until you take the second test. I failed the first one but my follow up test was normal. God luck!

  27. skin tags

    I have a skin tag on my eyelid and another one near the outer corner of the other eye. My dermatologist won’t zap these because of their locations. They drive me nuts. Is there anyone who can remove these – specialized eye doctor or dermatologist? I keep hoping they’ll fall off but it’s been several years and they are not budging.

    • SoCalAtty

      I get those, but they are pretty small and my derm has always cut them off with surgical scissors. He (or she) won’t do that?

    • Texas Lawyer

      Try searching for a doctor who is board-certified in both opthalmology and plastic surgery. I had a great experience with one in Houston.

      • skin tags

        Thanks! My dermatologist has zapped a couple on my neck, and then they scab and fall off. She won’t touch these. Thanks for the suggestion of looking for someone who is both an opthamologist and plastic surgeon – I imagine such a double speciality must be rare (?), but I will try to find someone like that around here.

        • MJ

          Less rare than you think because so many people get their eyes done….many plastic surgeons do eye work only, even if not ophthamologists.

  28. SoCalAtty

    Since I’ve been a little ramble – y lately, I’m going to condense all that into a question that maybe the hive can help me with. In a toxic environment, where giving 2 week notice is going to be met with some kind of demeaning and likely psychologically damaging conversation, would you just compose a nice note and give written notice via email? (Big thanks to the comments on the earlier thread, I am leaning toward email, but I just wanted to throw it out there again)

    FWIW, the owners of this particular firm are not in any kind of position to blacklist me, ever. In fact, I owe some opposing counsel lunch after I leave (attorneys I already had good relationships with prior to this firm) after the kind of gamesmanship that has gone on with my name on it in some of these cases.

    • Anne Shirley

      I would (and have) still given notice in person. It sucked, but in retrospect I’m glad I did. Felt like a final scenic standing up for myself to a bully. I don’t think it’s a crisis if you don’t, but realize if they’re crazy, they’ll be bursting into your office to “discuss” at some point anyway. Strategically, you want the benefit of surprise.

      • anon

        I agree with this because they are going to talk to you about it eventually. Might as well give notice in person

    • anon

      I wouldn’t give notice by email. If you’re on your way out anyway, just finish up your stint with this firm looking its owners right in the eye. I have to say that even years later, in my petty moments, I look back proudly on my parting words with the head of the firm that quiet fired me in a really shady way. I’m proud because I really held it together and took the high road. And others noticed and word got around. The impression was that if I could behave with dignity in that low moment, that is my true character.

      If giving your notice face to face causes an abusive reaction, then you can leave the room and follow up with an email to memorialize your giving notice. Be prepared to say something neutral like, “I am doing what I think is best for my career. If you don’t want to discuss the productive details of my transition now, then that’s all I had to say.” And then you can leave.

      • A diff anon

        Also fired, and while I mostly handled it with dignity, I wish I had said more. I am not saying you should be nasty but be professional. I agree with the other posters.. This could be cathartic for you.

    • AXK

      Put on your big girl pants and give notice in person. It’s the professional thing to do, regardless of how you’ve been treated.

    • meme

      You know, I just can’t imagine that breaking the news via email is going to make any long-term difference in your life. If it makes things easier on you now, go ahead and do it that way. I don’t see it as that big of a deal. It’s not so awful as forgetting to send a thank you note after an interview (1st degree felony) or *gasp* wearing a pant suit to an interview. ;)

      Signed, Girl Who Always Wore Pantsuits to Interviews and Didn’t End Up Dying Homeless and Alone (so far)

      • SoCalAtty

        meme: thank you, I really appreciate that. As someone who always wears pantsuits to interviews (I guess that gets a *gasp* !) I really appreciate it!

        I’ve done a little informal poll all weekend, and I’ve spoken with (so far) a city clerk, a head librarian, 2 HR people, 3 other attorneys at about my level of seniority, and my husband. Clerk, librarian, and husband vote “in person.” When I asked why, the reasons were “closure,” “revenge (husband),” “catharsis,” and all manner of emotional-backed reasoning. The 2 HR people both said email if you don’t want to deal with it. The 3 other attorneys saw email as the form of emotional closure, because I can tie it all up in a neat bow and say exactly what I want to say (professionally).

        Like I said before, there is no industry clout here (possibly the opposite) and, even when they are 2 doors down from me, I get crazy emails that should be done in person from them, all the time. I think, in this really narrow circumstance, either might just be ok.

        This is a firm I would never come back to. I would rather do doc review. I don’t think it much matters, but I think I’m going to give my notice to the not-scary partner in person, then email to both (because the other one is only in the office from like 11-3 so a “this just happened, wanted to tell you asap” email makes sense.)

  29. KP

    I’ve been asked by a partner at my firm to do some research on what it would take to put a daycare in our building, including the regulatory regime, business considerations, etc. He is going to take my work and present it to the rest of the partners. He has already run the idea by some of them, who have not been a fan of the idea (men and women alike) because of unique concerns about our building space being unsuitable, location, would many people avail of it, is it a smart business for a law firm to branch into, etc. I told him I echoed those concerns and didn’t think it was a good idea myself, but he told me to do the research anyway and come up with solutions for the roadblocks others have put forward.

    I’m nearing 30 and am in a committed relationship. I would be the exact person you’d think would want to avail of this daycare – except I have absolutely no desire to have kids. At all. Right now all I care about is my career and advancing it. I’ve already had some trouble at my firm where I have perceived female associates being treated differently than male, eg distribution of more desirable work to men, assuming women won’t be at the firm as long so not investing in our futures the same way, funneling women into practice groups that are less competitive and ultimately setting us up with a career path not geared toward partnership.

    Ultimately I could care less whether we get the daycare. It’d be great for some. My concern is this. When this partner bring my research to the whole partnership, I’m worried they are going to start thinking “of course she’s working on this project, she’s probably going to have kids soon and wants this daycare for herself”. I feel that the situation at the firm is already a barrier to overcome and this added perception wouldn’t help.

    Any tips or suggestions on what to do here? Am I being too sensitive? Should I ask not to have my name associated with the project?

    Thanks for listening

    • kc esq

      I think you could ask him not to put your name on the project. I think your reasons are sound, plus there’s no reason you should be pressured into apparently supporting something you don’t really support just because one partner does. But you don’t want to make more waves by distancing yourself from the project than you would by just being on it. I might say something to the partner like, “I appreciated the opportunity to work with you on it, but because it’s a partner decision, I would feel more comfortable if I weren’t publicly aligned with one side or the other by having my name on any of the associated research.” And if you can do so, check with his assistant to make sure your name stays off the materials.

    • anon

      Totally fine to leave your name off, I think. But you also may want to simply handle this like a normal research project. In other words, do your best for your client (i.e., the partner) and write a great memo. Don’t let yourself get involved in the politics of it – just do your best work. I honestly think that your best work will reflect better on you than any “advocacy” for this project would reflect poorly on you.

      • GirlMeetsWorld

        Unless you request anonymity, just leaving your name off of the memo might not be enough because the presenting partner could nonetheless credit you with the work. I also agree that you should treat this like any other assignment and do the best work that you can, especially if you treat this like any other business proposal that you might investigate. An objective evaluation of the daycare will speak to your skills as a business-savvy lawyer, not as a woman seeking a solution to a personal problem. One other thought — diffuse the credit by doing this project as a team with other people, including guys?

    • Margaret

      In situations where I was asked to research a topic that I felt was bad strategically, etc., I would always include a sentence in the introduction and again in the conclusion along the lines of “This memo addresses only [x legal issue] and does not consider or take a stance on strategic considerations, such as ____, which should be carefully considered.” I would do something like this in your case. It allows you to be consummately professional in completing the work you were asked to do, while making it very clear that you are not aligning yourself with a business decision one way or the other. Doesn’t depend on the partner to make the point for you, or on the potential that you will be seen as too stridently anti-family, which I can actually see backfiring on you.

  30. Anne Shirley

    On a lighter note, what’s everyone excited to wear this weekend? I’m looking forward to a magenta leopard print dress and pajamas :)

    • anonypotamus

      I wish I had a magenta leopard print dress!!! I’m excited to wear workout clothes (can finally exercise after being sick) and a sequined skirt with boots and a slouchy sweater for date night :)

    • Bunkster

      Got a loser-ish gift from jjill that I returned and have since bought all sorts of smaller items on their sale rack. Yesterday I received an item I ordered online. It’s actually awesome. It’s a soft brown wool jersey skirt with subtle copper sparkles. It’s so comfortable. I’m going to wear yoga pants all weekend, but I’m planning to wear this skirt with tights out for drinks with my best friend.

    • a.

      That dress sounds amazing! I love leopard. Sadly, I am probably not wearing anything nearly as awesome. The Great Flood has come upon my city, so I practically need a paddleboat to walk the pup…not really inspired to wear anything more than my beloved jeggings, big sweaters, and scarfs.

  31. AttiredAttorney

    Accutane/Isotretinoin update: A while back, I asked for advice/feedback from those who have used Isotretinoin to treat acne. Now, about a month into my treatment, I am in the “why did I never do this sooner” camp. Drinking tons of water and sticking with a very low dosage have kept the side effects to a minimum. Since reading old posters comments on this, just wanted to throw my two cents in for anyone else facing the same decision.

  32. Anya

    How do you decide what’s “good enough,” job-wise? I’ve been thinking on seeking some new opportunities in a different, but related, career field, but after reading the Ask a Manager post on “dream jobs,” I’m wondering if that’s a poor choice. I like my current position well enough, and I have fabulous co-workers; at the same time, I really cannot see myself doing this time of work for a long time (I’ve been at my current job for two years). Any advice on knowing when it’s worth leaving good things in search of something better?

    • Work-Life Balance

      I think it all comes down to your tolerance for risk, which is directly related to how many times you have fallen down before. I attribute my successes to my willingness to take giant leaps of faith, but I have also had my share of epic fails. I’m talking embarrassing, awful experiences. Can you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start over with minimal self-pity? Then I say go for your dream job or business opportunity!

      That said, “fabulous co-workers” are greatly underrated. One of the best jobs I ever had wasn’t terribly lucrative and definitely did not fulfill my need to “make a difference.” But the people I worked with made it a joy to come to the office everyday. I still miss those folks.

    • viv

      That’s a great question. Changing jobs can be a great move. You can increase your pay, widen your experience, and grow your network of connections. It keeps life exciting. It’s also stressful though. I changed jobs in the last year, and I definitely missed my old company at times, and having that sense of knowing my place and understanding expectations and being able to rely on the reputation I earned by having a solid track record. At my new job, I feel like I’m at the bottom again in some ways just because I’m so new and no one knows me yet. But that will change with time. Do what’s right for you. I think you learn through experience, and it takes a while to find your sweet spot. That said, if you like your co-workers, that’s a pretty big deal. If you can, only change jobs when you find an opportunity that seems like a legit step up.

  33. Cb

    Ack, can I curl up in the corner now? My date night consisted of cocktails, snowball fights, handholding, and cooking, and then the world’s most awkward goodbye. You like him, he likes you, just freaking hold still and let him plant one on you!

    Reassurances that me freaking out is normal and he doesn’t think I’m the world’s prissiest person?

    • anon

      Don’t worry about it! First, it sounds like a great date overall, so the end won’t negate the rest. Second, freaking out is entirely normal – people overthink and obsess over details. Third, if the rest of the date went that well, and he is a good guy, it’ll probably be fine.

      However, I’d think about whether there was a reason that you didn’t let him kiss you (which is what it sounds like to me, so apologies if my interpretation is incorrect).

    • LadyEnginerd

      Alternatively, he’s kicking himself for not planting one on you if it was just harmlessly awkward. I agree with anon, though.. if there is a reason or gut feeling (“freak out”) that led to you not letting him kiss you, honor that feeling. There might be something “off” that only bubbled up when push came to shove/smooch.

      Can you chalk the awkwardness up to to a cultural mismatch? It amazes me just how easy it is to cross signals with people from different regions with the US, let alone abroad. If you go out with him again, and kissing him seems natural, it will be a cute story. If the awkwardness deterred him from wanting to go out with you again, or if you find that you are indeed avoiding kissing him, then FOOEY on him, you don’t want that anyway!

      • Cb

        We chatted and all is cool, we’re having a re-do next week. I think him being British + me being shy was just a recipe for awkward.

    • NYNY

      If it’s any help, my first date with my now-DH ended with an uber-awkward goodbye where he planted a hand on each of my shoulders, looked me in the eye, and said, “Well, goodbye.”

      It gets better.

        • NYNY

          He’s a little spectrum-y, and has some touch issues, so I think he was trying to head off more contact than he could handle. But it came off as “we shall never speak of this again.” Good thing he called me the next day!

    • TCFKAG

      My first date with my now husband ended with an exchanging of phone numbers and then sort of an awkward hug, kiss on the cheek, weirdness that was frankly just a bit embarrassing (at least to me….we’ve never actually discussed it.) The next date we were definitely more comfy with physical displays of affection – we’ll leave it there. And now we’re married.

      I really don’t think it means too much. Sometimes these things are just Awkward (with a super capital a.)

    • SH

      My SO and I didn’t have our first kiss until date # 5. Plenty of chemistry throughout, just never really happened. On date # 2, he tried to kiss me but the metro doors chimed right then and I ran onto the train instead of into his face without realizing what I had done until the next station. Instead of thinking, “She ran away!” he thought, “I MUST see this girl again!” so my inadvertent creation of dramatic suspense worked out in the end.

      • Cb

        Ha! Thanks for the stories everyone, I keep telling myself this can be a cute story. I’m in the middle of a deadline and he’s stopping by with snacks tonight so I think he still likes me?!

        • LadyEnginerd

          Clearly whether he still likes you is dependent on the type of snacks he brings… ;)

  34. anon

    Does anyone else here sometimes feel a bit guilty for spending “too much” time thinking about appearances? I do spend a fair but reasonable amount of time trying to be presentable, both at work and when I go out (and, to a lesser degree, even when I go to the gym). I also spend a fair but reasonable amount of money on things like clothes, shoes, make up, getting my hair done, and so on. Based on the discussion the other day, the money is probably less than most. But, there is also the time factor. Not excessive, but certainly, it is there. For the most part, this makes me feel like I am putting my best foot forward in life. However, sometimes, I feel guilty for not being more naturally presentable or that a smart person shouldn’t be spending time thinking about something so frivolous. So, for example, if I really wanted to be successful, wouldn’t I just wake up and go to work, without wasting time putting on make up or trying to pick out an outfit? I am wondering if this comes up for anyone else, and how you reconcile it?

    • pecan

      I definitely feel the same way. Especially that I should be naturally more presentable, I really really wish I had been gifted with that trait.

      Unfortunately, looks and presentation are part of actually being successful, it’s not just being at work and producing good product, it’s all the other little things that add up, so it’s not a waste of time to look like I put in effort. Or so I tell myself?

    • anon

      On the other side of things, I often feel that I don’t put enough into these things. I care about how I look, but I care about other things more (not that you don’t, you probably just manage time better – and know what to do, which is where I’m often at a loss). I try sometimes to put more effort in, but when I see others putting in hours a day, it gets discouraging for me. I feel like I need to put more effort in because it is a big part of being successful (unfortunately or fortunately, depending on your point of view). I don’t think it’s a waste of time if you can find the happy medium between doing nothing/very little and spending hours getting every detail perfect, because, as pecan said, it is a big part of being successful and being considered highly by others. I just wish I could motivate myself to do a little more daily. (I basically throw on basic cover up makeup and lip gloss and throw my hair back.)

    • MJ

      Being on a team in college taught me that some ladies can use generic shampoo, any moisturizer and just roll out of the locker room looking like dynamite, and others have to have their products, blow dry, etc. it isnt really fair, but…sometimes looking pulled together just comes more naturally to some than to others. So as long as you are at a level of maintanence ( e.g. time spent getting ready) and final appearance that works for you, I wouldn’t worry about it. As a curly-haird, acne-prone gal who needs a little extra time to not come out looking like a pimply frizz ball, I wish that I were more “wash n wear”, but alas, that’s not how it’s meant to be….

      Alternately, if you spend a lot of time thinking about clothes and what to wear, well, that’s how some people express their creativity. For instance, I am sure Kat spends a lot of time on that sort of stuff, and, well, she’s so good at it that she made it her job!

  35. anon OP

    pecan, thanks for letting me know that you feel the same way. Especially about not being gifted with the naturally put together look. Glad I am not the only one! Wouldn’t it be nice to be one of those blessed girls who needs no make up at all? I think, on an intellectual level, I am not totally comfortable with the idea that appearance does matter as much as it does, at work and in life. But, practically, I have figured out how (which make up, clothes, whatever, works for me), so I do put time into those things. Anon, thanks for your perspective as well. Hearing you acknowledge the other side validates for me that it is really a big part of being successful at work, if you believe it to be so valuable that you might want to try to experiment more. So, I guess I am doing a valuable things for future success at work, and ishould remind myself of that the next time I start to feel guilty about all of this?

  36. Financial Advisor?

    Does anyone know of a financial advisor, either in the Atlanta area or online, who is willing to deal with low-net-worth clients? My husband and I are planning to buy a house in the next couple years. We have a decent down payment fund and good credit, but we also have student loan and other debt. Basically, we want to have someone look at our finances and tell us whether to pay down debt aggressively, hoard cash, etc.

    Face-to-face would be best for my husband, who is old-fashioned about money issues, but I’d be willing to Skype or email with someone if we can’t find anyone in the Atlanta area. Thanks!

    • harriet the spy

      If someone has a recommendation for this exact person, but in the SF Bay Area, I would also love to get a name.

    • mascot

      Bobby Doerr with Stifel Nicolaus in LaGrange has handled a family member’s money very well. I believe he will makes trips up to Atlanta to visit clients and LaGrange isn’t terribly far.

  37. Monday

    Word of warning to anyone who owns the J. Crew Blythe blouse–do not hand wash it! I did so last night, gentle as can be, and then dried it on the rack, and it is now significantly smaller. The tag does say “dry clean only” but I thought if I was careful, anything 100% silk would be fine. DOUBEL FOOEY because full-price those shirts are about $110.

    At the same time, I hand washed 2 other silk shirts that said just “dry clean” and “dry clean for best results,” respectively, and they are both unharmed. Lesson learned.

    • mamabear

      Monday, 100% silk shouldn’t shrink or at least not significantly. If you iron it (carefully) I’ll bet you get most of the size back. It’s probably just squishing in on itself, for lack of a better description.

      • Monday

        That would be great, and I’ll need to iron it anyway, but I’m fearful. It seems to have lost only length, and not width, which is consistent with real shrinkage. But I hope you’re right! Thanks, mamabear.

        • Monday

          OK, out of suspense I just ironed. No change at all, so my warning stands, unfortunately.

          • AIMS

            That’s very disappointing. I recently ruined a silk skirt that way. But in an effort to make lemonade – I’ve been wearing silk tops under sheath dresses lately and really like the look. Unlike a dress with an oxford shirt, which has a tendency to look a little school girl-ish, it looks really elegant and is a great way to solve the sleeves dilemma in winter. Since yours only shrunk in length, perhaps you can still repurpose it this way?

          • Monday

            Thanks AIMS, that is the plan. I thought about giving up on it completely at first, but then realized it can still go under sweaters. Unfortunately even the sleeves are so shortened now that I probably wouldn’t wear it with a sheath dress, much as I like that combo too. The arms fit very tightly and the underarm fabric is strained :( If I had gotten regulars instead of petites, it would now be a perfect fit! But alas.

    • little advice

      yes, that happened to my j.crew blythe blouse too when i handwashed it. very disappointing.

  38. Law School?

    reposting from earlier..

    This question is not meant as a snark – I am genuinly interested in the answer.

    On an earlier thread someone posted about submitting applications to law school. What is the motivation to do that given you have heard about the skyrocketing tuition and the scarcity of jobs that will service the debt?

    I guess I am wondering because law school was a dream of mine for a long time but I no longer see it as a realistic option. And I am disappoint about that.

    • Boston 1L

      As someone currently in law school, I would say that I went because I was able to get a good scholarship from a good school; I know what I want to do and that is a specific area of law; I have connections and secure fallback options (which would utilize my JD); and further reasons I don’t want to explain here.

      I’m personally typically very debt and risk averse, but I do not think that this is as risky of a life choice the way I’m doing it as it could be. I didn’t take the full scholarships I was offered in order to go to a better school, but I am still on a significant scholarship. Someone going to a low-ranked school for full price that does not have good employment stats/prospects (which is more important than ranking for this)? I don’t think that is good in that situation. There are some in my class whose situations probably do not make law school a good choice (such as those with no idea what they actually want to do, extending their time in school, or careers that don’t really require a JD – but I’m sure these people have their own reasons and, if not, it’s their own decision). But I believe there are situations where it is still a good decision and investment.

      Also, in certain areas, I understand that the legal industry has started to (very slowly) bounce back. It will probably never be what it was before 08 (or at least not for a very, very long time), but it isn’t the horror show everywhere that it was for those being deferred and such.

    • Alanna of Trebond

      So when I applied to law school in 2008 (late)–I knew the economy was going downhill but I did literally no research about job prospects, the legal market. But I had a marketable undergrad degree and I knew I wanted to be an attorney–I wasn’t someone who just wanted to go to law school because I didn’t know what to do. Somewhat like Boston 1L, I actually declined a full scholarship to a well-ranked school (Top 10) to attend a better school–so I was very lucky that I graduated at more or less the top of my class–I would have very few options otherwise at my level of debt.

      I could have made more money at a number of other jobs open to me (e.g. finance), but I was really interested in the law and I had to go to law school to get there. I also believed (and still believe) that the hours in law are better than in finance.

      So if you really know that law is for you and you know what you would do with it, and you can get into a good school, I would still say go for it.

    • Law School?

      Thank you both for your responses! I didn’t think it was possible to get scholarships at highly ranked programs. May I ask what kind of scholarships you have? Were they given by the school? Are they based on LSAT?

      Thanks again – you are giving me some hope!

      • SH

        Not one of the above, but my law school scholarships were mostly based on my LSAT and UGPA, but another factor was how I “continually challenged myself” or something like that. The letters talked about my taking initiative to do additional study abroad programs, moving to France for a year to teach English, starting clubs, running fundraisers, etc. My scholarships ranged from almost full-ride to 1/3 tuition to nothing, and were given by the school.

        In my experience, law school scholarships are very subjective, so if you have anything that makes you stand out, include it. My UGPA and LSAT were in the middle-range of all the schools I applied to, and there were people I went to school with (where I received a scholarship) with higher stats who didn’t receive any money.

        That said, law school is like Godzilla on your hopes and dreams. With love, it will be easier if you start tempering your hopes now – don’t give it a chance to bring you down. :-)

    • LH

      It can still be a realistic option if it is really your dream. I think the reason you may have seen so many people here advising against law school is because there are so many people who go to law school because: 1) they have undergrad degrees in the humanities and social sciences and don’t know what else to do, 2) they think it is an easy way to get rich or 3) they like the idea of being a lawyer but have no idea what the practice of law is actually like. These are bad reasons to go to law school, and #2 is certainly no longer true. The fact that you really want to be a lawyer, even after researching the job and understanding as best you can what it entails, and you can’t imagine doing anything else with your life, is a good reason to go to law school.

      Here is some advice about how to make the debt more manageable/how to make sure this is really the right decision:
      1) There are a public law schools, including some very good ones (e.g. Michigan). The in-state tuition is not cheap but it is a lot cheaper than private law school tuition. If you are a resident in a state with a public law school or can establish residency in one of those states that may be your best bet.
      2) Many schools also give merit-based aid. If you are a strong candidate you may be able to get a significant portion of your tuition paid at a school one tier down. For example, if you can get into a top 10 school, you may be able to get a big scholarship at a school ranked in the 30s. One caveat about this – be careful and make sure you know the conditions for keeping the scholarship. I’ve heard of schools giving scholarships to say, half the entering students, but then you have to be in the top 1/4 of your class to keep the scholarship, i.e about half the students will lose the scholarship after the first year. Be careful of this kind of bait & switch and make sure the conditions for keeping the scholarship are reasonable given the number of scholarships awarded.
      3) Go to a school where you want to practice as your best bet for jobs will be in that area. The area where you want to practice can change, but don’t go to school in a place you wouldn’t be happy practicing. Especially for non-T14 schools, their strongest alumni/job networks are local, so don’t go to Northeastern if you are set on spending the rest of your life in California.
      4) Make sure you want to actually practice law. With law school costing what it does, its pretty bad if you graduate only to realize you don’t actually want to practice law. Working in a law office, even as an intern or legal assistant, will give you some idea of what the practice of law is like.

      • anon for identifying info

        All good points, but a little clarification on #1: My public T10 law school (where I was in-state all three years) targeted its tuition at 90% of the price of a peer private school’s cost, and my understanding (per our dean’s presentations explaining why tuition was skyrocketing) is that this is the tuition at all T10 public schools. So cheaper, but not a bargain by any stretch of the imagination. Even a public school law degree will end up costing over $200k after taking into account living expenses.

  39. Niktaw

    I accidentally burned a spot, about quarter-size, on my upper arm (with a pan – I am sooo coordinated!) and did not have the time to apply ice or oil right away. It’s only 1st degree if that, so I will not go to a Dr. with this; however, it is ugly and I would like to make it heal faster.
    Does anyone have any tips? I could not really find anything on the internet beyond shea butter.

    • (former) Clueless Summer

      Vitamin E oil. It’s easy enough now that it’s winter but don’t let it get sunlight on it – the new skin will tan more than the old and you’ll have a noticeable mark.

  40. Ellen

    Myrna just left. We walked all OVER the city to help me loose weight. She hoped me get the dog poop off my Nikes. You must put the bottom in water to soak then walk to bloomingdales and drag your foot in the carpeting section. She says their used to it and they sell those carpets cheeaply b/c so many peeople come to clean their shoes. I would not buy those rugs. FOOEY!

    It did work so we went up to 40 carrots and both ate frozen yogurt. Yay!

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