ByKate Antoniades Hours Updated
Comments 345 Comments

Holiday Weekend Open Thread

A woman wearing a rust-brown sweater dress

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

Happy almost Thanksgiving!

I love sweater dresses. I live in upstate New York, so I only mean the ones that actually, you know, keep you warm, i.e., not those with no sleeves, a very low V-neck, cutouts, and so on. Specifically, I love crewneck, knee-length, belted styles, like this affordable sweater dress from Caslon.

I prefer the rust (a perfect autumn color!) to the black, though the styling certainly doesn't do it any favors in the first image — a multicolored fleecy zip jacket?! I like the chunky knit, which isn't TOO textured. The belt is removable, but since the belt loops are not, it's kind of a moot point (or a moo point if you're a Friends fan).

Yes, the dress only has 3.5 out of 5.0 stars so far, but what's bringing it down is the one-star review that laments that the dress arrived wrinkled. And anyway, it's machine washable.

This dress is $69 at Nordstrom and available in sizes XXS–XXL.

Looking for other sizes? Here's a plus-size option from Arula and a maternity sweater dress from Gap.

And now, let's look at something gorgeous — this (much pricier) sweater dress from Isabel Marant. LOOK AT IT. I've never seen a cable pattern anything like this one, and I think it's striking and beautiful. This dress is $1,650 at Nordstrom.

P.S. Stay tuned for our roundup of Black Friday sales!

Sales of note for 12.5

345 Comments

  1. I want to give a small holiday gift to my coworkers since all of us RTO a couple weeks ago and could use some cheer. I got some monogram mugs from Target. What should I put inside? I was going to put a couple packs of gourmet hot cocoa with a couple peppermint sticks, and maybe a marshmallow topper. But at least a couple of them are health conscious and probably wouldn’t consume any of that stuff. An alternative would be some individually wrapped tea bags and maybe a pack of cinnamon almonds, but there may be even fewer tea drinkers in this group.

    1. If your office is freezing, get a bulk pack of those little handwarmer packets and put a few in each mug, along with the coffee/tea/hot chocolate.

    2. Go with the hot cocoa and peppermint sticks. The health conscious people probably know someone they can pass it on to if they choose not to drink it themselves.

    3. I’d just go with tea. They might make it even if they don’t generally drink tea I would

    4. Gloves or mittens? Costco has nice ones that are not very expensive. If you want to spend even less, I’d personally welcome even the inexpensive stretchy gloves on sale at the supermarket or craft store – I can always use another pair to stash in a coat pocket or my purse.

    5. You’re not going to please everyone, but I think either of your ideas are perfect. Some tea or cocoa would be lovely, especially since it’s good to have something sweet or warm on hand when folks pop by this time of year. Chances are even if they don’t do sweets, they’ll have a kid or a niece or nephew who will appreciate it. Or some chocolate-covered espresso beans in a bag could be nice.

    6. Fun magnets or pens as a nod to the RTO? A little bottle each of hand lotion and hand sanitizer? Stickers are having a moment, maybe a couple of cheerful ones would work.

      I feel you OP, it’s hard to gift consumables these days.

    8. In that situation, I’d be happy with a box of chocolates in the break room and a social hour to enjoy it. It’s a nice thought to do something personalized but I’d feel like I have to reciprocate and also don’t really need things like mugs.

        1. +1 something nice to eat in break room is lovely. individual gifts for everyone are likely to go to waste.

          I drink cocoa and tea, but I have very specific tastes. I currently have a couple of gourmet cocoa packets and individually wrapped tea bags in my pantry that I’ll eventually toss. They’re not my taste and I’m not going to regift something that I think isn’t as tasty as my preferred options.

    10. My preference of the ideas so far would be hot cocoa, but I would be fine with basically anything consumable, including tea and lotion, and would regift it easily if I didn’t want it. I would really prefer not to receive something non-consumable like gloves. Most people in my life aren’t “stuff” people and I don’t want physical things that I won’t use and can’t get rid of. That feels so wasteful to me.

    11. Idk. This is kind of setting an expectation that everyone needs to come up with $15 worth of stuff for everyone. Can you bring in a tray of goodies for everyone to share instead?

    12. I’d like this from a colleague even though I’m a chocolate snob. It’s a nice thought and cocoa is fun for the winter. The monogram mug would become one of my office mugs. You could do a pack of nice cocoa and a 2-pack of individually wrapped tea bags. People can trade with each other or leave extras in the break room.

    14. I did a similar mug last year and put cheap face and under eye masks, a dollar tree “jade” roller, and a few individually wrapped tea bags.

    15. Ignore the haters, I’ve found colleagues who do this to be lovely and I’ve never had reciprocation pressure except that I might treat that person to coffee. Overall it leads to nice interactions and sometimes friends. I’d love whatever you choose to put in there and I can always use another office mug.

      1. Yeah, I think the reaction about being expected to reciprocate is weird. Maybe if it came from a subordinate (never gift up!) but otherwise I don’t think there would be any expectation of reciprocation. I would love to receive something like this.

        1. I’ve experienced it which is why I hesitated above. One new admin in our group brought a similar $ Xmas gift for all the other admins. One that I was friendliest with came to me worried she needed to do the same thing or cause offense.

          Doing a general ‘group offering’ just comes off as fun and generous, and doesn’t pose the same risk as a bunch of individual gifts.

          1. Huh, one person asking a question (to which the answer is clearly “of course not”) wouldn’t be a reason in my book to do something differently.

  2. it doesn’t directly go with mugs but what about a nice hand lotion? my office is so dry, i use it all winter…

    1. The Neutrogena fragrance free one is great (lots of people are allergic or don’t like fragrances).

  3. recommendations for 3-4 day warm weather vacation this winter. Just a couple, no kids. Requirements: direct flight from New York, no passport (so PR or USVI OK), less than an hour drive from airport, beach and tennis. Flexible on all inclusive or hotel with restaurants. Not type of the line luxury but decent, hard to give price without knowing what’s included but let’s same a room equivalent of a hilton or a marriot….

    1. Between PR and the USVIs, I much prefer the USVIs, but PR is probably a better fit for what you want. The beaches are kind of blah but there’s more golf and tennis than in the Virgin Islands. And the USVIs are harder to reach, especially if you want to go to an island that’s not St. Thomas. All-inclusive resorts are not big in either place.

      But I’d really urge you to consider expediting a passport (it only takes about 4-6 weeks) and going to Cancun. There are hundreds of large resorts (many of them all-inclusive) and ranging from very budget to ultra luxury within a ~30 minute drive of the airport. The beaches are beautiful, the food is incredible and I’ve found people in Mexico to be super warm and welcoming.

      1. thanks. we have passports, it was more thinking that not going through customs is quicker and easier….

        1. FWIW on all my international travel lately, going through customs has been one of the least annoying parts.

        2. Yeah customs lines are not usually too bad, especially if you’re avoiding the Christmas holiday season and spring break (mid-March to early April). Customs lines should be very manageable from mid-January to early March.

        3. It’s not warm enough for winter, but bear in mind for another time of year: leaving Bermuda you clear US customs before boarding the flight home. Quick and easy. There may be other islands where this is also the case.

          1. Bahamas too I think.

            Not Mexico, which is kind of odd since it must be one of the most frequent destinations for Americans.

      1. For a similar trip we liked the Loews in Miami Beach, though I would note it was not adults only which at times was noticeable in sections of the pool area.

        1. Similarly, we loved 1 Hotel South Beach when we visited and it does have an adults only pool I believe, but if I was going without kids I would prefer an adults only place.

      2. The standard Miami is great for adults only but it’s not beach front. Faena is also nice.

      3. My one trip to Miami was in March and unfortunately it was not warm enough to be beach weather. I was fine in a dress or tee shirt and shorts or jeans, but not bathing suit.

        1. It really depends where you’re coming from. I lived in Miami for a couple years and often swam in the ocean in January/February. It horrified the locals, who are mostly bundled up in sweaters that time of year, but if you’re from the northeast and used to swimming in the Atlantic off the coast of NY/NJ or points north in the summer, you should be fine in Miami in winter. Many resorts will have heated pools that are warmer than the ocean too.

          1. Not really. I came from NJ and it was too cold to swim on March in Miami. Maybe if you are coming from North Dakota or something. If you want above 75 degrees do not go to Miami in March.

          2. The average high in Miami in March is 77. Of course you can get the occasional cold day, but it’s above 75 consistently.

        2. I agree with this. If I’m going on a beachy getaway i don’t want it to be maybe warm enough for a swim for a few hours in the afternoon. Miami isn’t reliably warm enough for that until April.

  4. Cb’s vivid dream question this morning started me thinking (as another vivid dream victim), do others who have them also get migraines?

    1. I do. And I tend to have fewer vivid dreams right after I have a migraine, which is odd to me.

    2. I get super vivid dreams (but not negative ones) every night and 1-4 migraines a month.

    3. I have menstrual migraines, quite severe ones in my 20s and early 30s but better now that I’m older, and don’t think I have especially vivid dreams. Once in a while I have a very specific and detailed dream – most recently, a very strange one about Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Jonah Hill dating (!?!), but normally I don’t even remember my dreams. I take melatonin some nights and don’t notice any correlation between melatonin and dreaming, although I know others do.

    4. I don’t. I’m one of the commenters who has such realistic, vivid dreams that I can’t remember what was a dream and what was real life.

    6. I get migraines but basically never dream (or never have dreams that can be remembered anyway)

    8. Chronic migraines.
      I have vivid dreams (sometimes so much so that I wake up confused about what is actually real…), lucid dreams, dreams within dreams, nightmares…

    9. I get very vivid dreams now with Lexapro, but I’ve always had very active dreams, and I don’t get migraines or headaches.

  5. Not sure what put me in moderation but:

    Cb’s vivid dream question this morning started me thinking, do others who have them also get migr**n*s?

  6. Apologies for yet another NYC question! But I trust the Hive more than TripAdvisor.

    I will be in NYC for a conference November 28 – December 1st. I am staying near (although not in) the conference hotel (the Sheraton Times Square) for the nights of the conference. But I am not flying to New York from California and not staying the weekend!

    There are basically no hotels in Manhattan for less than $500/night for Friday and Saturday – which is way outside my usual budget but I know it is a busy time. Any recommendations for someplace that is relatively inexpensive (knowing that $500/night is apparently the floor) and not near Times Square? Where do you like for a weekend trip? I was thinking of staying downtown just because I have not stayed there before.

    Also, has anyone been to the Manet/Degas exhibit at the Met and (if so) thoughts on how much of an issue getting in either Friday afternoon or Saturday will be? If I need to I will buy a membership.

    Thank you in advance and Happy Thanksgiving!

    1. I enjoyed staying at the Andaz on Fifth Avenue which was really nice and centrally located next to Bryant Park. But it might be a bit above the $500/night price point. If you have Hyatt points you could check the redemption rates. One other thing to consider if you aren’t set on Manhattan is Long Island City. We found that the hotels there were significantly cheaper, and it’s a pretty easy and quick subway ride into Manhattan. You might be missing the classic NYC vibe though, if that’s what you are looking for,

      1. The Andaz is waaaay more than a bit above that price point ;)
        It’s $1,400 a night for OP’s dates.

      1. Thanks! I will try Friday afternoon and if I cannot get in I go ahead and become a member so I can get early admission on Saturday and Sunday.

    3. Hotel 50 Bowery is a good location. Otherwise I would just roll the dice and see what’s available on hotel tonight the day of

    4. In Times Square, I like the Westin (which often has slightly more reasonable rates) and the Intercontinental. They’re both on 8th and 43/44th.

      Downtown, I like the Smyth in Tribeca. Great subway access, fun neighborhood, very close to Taylor Swift’s apartment.

    5. I have stayed in Jersey City and taken the PATH into the city and it’s worked out fine. Hotels MUCH less expensive plus they have amazing views of the NYC skyline.

      2. Same, just near MetLife. Doesn’t hurt that the rooms are often a bit larger than their Manhattan counterparts and the hotels often have pools.

    6. My in-laws live in NYC and we visit frequently. Our favorite place to stay is the Courtyard by Marriott Midtown East at 53rd & 3rd. It’s not fancy but is typically affordable (by NYC standards, still ~$300/night) and very clean and comfortable, and I think it’s pretty well-located for typical NYC tourist activities but away from the chaos of Times Sq.

      Some friends just went to NYC (from the Midwest) specifically for the Manet & Degas exhibit and loved it. They didn’t act like it was difficult to get tickets, and they went on a weekend.

      1. This weekend is not a normal weekend though – if you check hotel rates, it seems to be absolute peak. I would not be surprised if the Met was totally jammed. This would be a good time to explore more off the beaten path NYC museums, of which there are many.

        1. Yeah, I see that our normal $300 hotel is $700 for those nights! What the heck is going on that weekend? I know the holiday season in NYC is always popular, but I’ve been before on a December weekend and not paid anywhere near that much.

    7. Not a hotel, but stayed in Sonder Battery Park serviced apartment recently for a work trip and it was pretty good (and below your price point).

    8. So the Sheraton Times Square isn’t actually in Times Square. It’s on 7th Avenue and 52nd street, which is basically the middle of midtown Manhattan. It’s a walkable distance to a lot of things – Broadway, Central Park, Rock Center – and also has super easy subway access. If you can extend the conference rate, it may be worth it to stay put. I’ve had family stay there, and it’s a nice hotel.

      The Met has extended hours on Fridays, and the Manet/Degas exhibit is one of their “virtual queue” shows. You scan a QR code to join the queue when you arrive at the museum, and it will give you a time slot to go into the exhibit. The system works well in limiting the physical line and the number of people in the exhibit hall. Do buy your Met ticket online prior to going so you may skip the line in the lobby.

      1. +1 re the Sheraton Times Square. Although I don’t know anyone who has stayed there, I think of it much more as a standard midtown hotel than as a Times Square hotel.

    9. I’ve stayed at that Sheraton. It’s not really in Times Square. It was unremarkable to me because I honestly don’t remember my room. But I do a lot of business travel.

      My favorite NYC hotel pre-pandemic was the Lexington midtown. But they were renovating it so I’m not sure what it’s like now, and my more recent visits were for meetings too far from it to book it.

      Worst case try the Club Quarters.

      1. I just checked the Lexington and they have Friday and Saturday nights at a prepaid rate of $566. It’s definitely close enough to go see the tree at Rockefeller center, the lights at Saks, etc.

      2. I stayed there this fall, and my room was having a very bad week (multiple lockouts, plumbing emergency, arrived to wet towels in room, etc). The hotel is…perfectly adequate. Unremarkable is a good descriptor.

  7. Will probably try this again next week but..

    It’s been a rough year and I’m celebrating making it ! Help me pick a color of the D&G Dauphine bag?

      1. if the purpose is a real celebration, don’t go basic (Black or brown!) what color are you most likely to wear? I also have recently gotten into the winter white (actually was debating ordering a quince one)… congratulations! enjoy it!

      2. Congratulations! I’d go with the bordeaux if you want a something versatile and don’t mind a wintery tone. Personally the green would be my top choice – enjoy!

        1. +1 but frankly they’re all pretty great, get what speaks to you. I will say I’ve had the hardest time with red bags, the shade is often off from what I’m wearing and I find it the hardest color to wear in an accessory. My style is pretty colorful and not neutral though.

    2. So pretty! I’m apparently a really bad influence. Because I’m now thinking I need a fuchsia bag like the Sicily in large and I think that color wasn’t even in the mix initially! LOL

  8. so there seems to be a trend to wear white/ beige jeans and sandy/taupey boots this winter. Would you wear them together? like a light pant in a similar shade as the shoe? i bought a pair of both and not sure how i feel about them together.

    1. I like the look. Give it a go!

      Depends how muddy it is where you live and how exuberant your pet is though, I’d definitely have paw prints added to the look fairly quickly.

    2. Yes, I’d definitely wear them together! My hair is light as well, so the white/beige/sandy/taupey color scheme looks really congruent on me. For that same reason, I often wear taupe boots with dark pants. If I had black hair or high-contrast coloring, I might try on darker boots with the lighter pants to see how I liked the look.

      Either way works — it’s just if you want to tie your whole look together with a boot color that contrasts with the pants, or if you want to lengthen your leg line with a boot color that blends with the pants.

    3. I’d totally wear this look if I lived in LA or somewhere else with a dry climate!

    4. Works until there is snow. I’m in Chicago and this would work now but would probably look kind of weird in another 4 weeks or so.

    5. Yes! The “rich lady beige” aesthetic is absolutely my jam—white/cream pants in the winter seem so very luxe to me. I’m picturing a lighter sand/taupe suede Chelsea boot, a cropped wide or straight leg white or cream pair of jeans and a chunky turtleneck sweater in either cream or that specific beige/taupe “mink” color. Very Nancy Meyers.

  9. My work is very project based, and then separately we have line managers who just handle our career/reviews/checking our overall metrics, but none of the actual project stuff. I hate my manager—we’ve never been super compatible but lately she gets on my last nerve, after a few unfortunate incidents. I want a new manager—company is v large and there are many people who do what she does and it wouldn’t be any different to swap me and another person (and they’ve changed managers on me many times due to rebalancing workloads and such). But I know if I go to her boss, she’ll want to “work on communication” and encourage us to be adaptable in our style blah blah blah. I’m over it at this point—she’s been my manager for maybe a year and a half of my 7 years in this position and every time I talk to her I end up fighting the urge to just quit the job entirely. (Yes I’m also a bit burnt out). Any suggestions other than saying “give me a new boss or I quit”? It may come to that but….

    1. Identify a manager in the company you want to work with and give a reason for wanting to change to their team: for example they have skills you want to learn etc.

      Fight the urge for a little while longer but definitely take action! Good luck!

      2. This was my immediate thought too. Way more professional and will actually benefit you beyond just getting out of your current situation.

    2. The odds that your manager will be seen as the problem and not you are basically zero. Your options are find another job at your company or elsewhere, or learn to live with her.

  10. I’m north of 50 and feel like some of my closet staples may read too young (or my feet are older and more cranky than the last time I shopped for boots). What is cool and comfy in boots in 2023? I need some ideas and some direction prior to hitting a store to try some on. Thanks!

      1. Blundstones are great but they are not that warm for winter and they are awful on ice.

        1. Cool and comfy boots to wear around are not the same as wear during snow and ice boots for many people.

        2. I will provide a counter point; I wear regular Blundstones all winter in Ottawa, Canada where we have six foot high snow banks all winter (and did in Edmonton, too). There are certainly times I break something else out but it’s rare and I wear the Blundstones probably 90% of the time. They are great for most errands.

          1. I live in the same province as you…I’m curious if you walk a lot? I do and could never get away with Blundstones all winter…My city just does not keep the sidewalks clear enough for that.

          2. Don’t you live in suburbia? Blundstones are definitely not appropriate for trekking around central neighborhoods, thats a great way to get snowy ankles and numb toes.

          3. I’m in Montreal and also like my Blundstones! I have some serious snow boots (Sorels and Cougar) too for walking in the woods or serious snowstorms, but use the Blundstones a lot for city errands, even in the winter. They aren’t super warm but I wear thick wool socks and it’s fine

          4. I commute, usually via public transit, to down town and walk more than most people. Every winter has been different for years at this point due to COVID and pregnancy but I have worn them consistently downtown and in the suburbs all week and and all weekend. No snowy ankles, no cold toes.If I WFH or are on mat leave like now, I do all errands during the week and school runs on foot (I don’t have a car at all during M-F). like Emma below, it’s fine. I will say our sidewalks are usually well clears except my actual street which is way down a priority list due to not being on the bus line. Montreal sidewalks are worse (lot denser, less place for snow!) but I still wear my boots there!

      2. Blundstones are so ugly, and I feel like the flat Chelsea boot trend is out right now as we move away from skinny jeans. They’re serviceable but certainly not cool and comfy.

        I’d suggest looking at Madewell or J.Crew, I feel like those are good for early-30s fashion.

        1. I have always thought Blundstones were frumpy, and I agree that flat Chelsea boots are on their way out. They peaked in 2019. Right now I would go for a slightly taller and chunkier pull-on lug-sole boot, but I think those will not be super stylish for more than the next one or two winters. It’s hard to tell what’s coming next.

    2. Check out the Penelope Chilvers Incredible boots. I love her whole line of boots, but that style in particular is very warm, works well in wet weather, and au courant without being too trendy.

    3. I like Naturalizer because the footbeds are easy to swap out. Most days the footbeds that come in them are more than enough. But if I have a long walking day–like a day of touring a city or the like–I’ll slip in an athletic shoe footbed or a vionic orthotic. I own several Chelsea styles. The heels are nice–not too wood/hard and not too cushy because that loses spring after awhile. A lace-up styles is the best since you can choose the level of ankle compression.

    4. I’ve said it before and will again, Freda Salvador makes the best boots, they’re cooler than they are trendier so they last for multiple seasons.

  11. Are any of you wearing the booties that you wore with skinnies with boot-cut jeans? Or is it just all Chelsea boots now? What about heeled wedges and flatform booties?

    1. Nope. The skinnies are packed away (because I bought all new Mother Dazzlers in 2019 and can’t bear to get rid of them in case skinnies come back) and the little short booties that went with them got donated. I am wearing boots with a tall, narrow shaft that fits under straight-leg or flare jeans.

    2. No, other than my low wedge “cute snow boots” which are slim enough profile to fit under a bootcut. The others are the wrong shape. I grabbed a pair of super slim shaft booties on sale last year (mid calf height, the leather is almost like a glove for the ankle) and they look modern under cropped styles.

  12. I know this is a season and a thread to be thankful but I need to vent somewhere anonymous for a minute: I’m so angry at the destructive, bizarre behavior of a relative with dementia. She absolutely can’t help it and I understand that but it is driving me beyond crazy. It’s tragic and not her fault and also absolutely infuriating. Please send wine.

    1. I have 2 autistic young adult kids who I will be taking care of for most of the rest of my life. They both have severe, but very different behaviors. It is allowed to be angry. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

      1. Hugs to you – my autistic son is on that path.

        Yes, anger and frustration is allowed! But: sometimes not near the person. I find my son at least will match the lowest/most negative energy in the room.

    2. I’m so sorry. She’s lucky she has you trying to look out for her. Many hugs.

    3. Been there. Done that. It’s awful. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s okay to feel your anger. With my parent it was the dementia, but it also seemed like it was the worst part of them that had pushed to the surface when the filters were gone. Honor your feelings in private and then just plaster a smile on your face and go fake it in public.

    4. This s*cks, no question. Anonymous venting on the internet is the way to go. Anger is so, so normal. Lots of hugs, and yes, have some wine.

    5. Thanks everyone. It helps to hear (for once) acknowledgment that it’s hard on caregivers rather than “it’s harder for her” or “you just need to be patient.” I find that there is acknowledgment of caregivers in the abstract (“burnout is a problem for many families” and the like), but when you just need to vent about something specific that someone with dementia is doing that is really challenging, people get uncomfortable.

    7. My mother’s personality changed 180 with dementia. She clearly had no idea she was driving us all insane. I don’t have anything particularly constructive to say, just, it’s the illness. Much sympathy from this internet stranger.

    9. I know you didn’t ask for advice and please ignore if not at all helpful. But do you follow anyone on instagram that is a dementia caregiver? (Can probably find some just search “dementia.”) I only mention because I have cancer and no one else seems to really “get” the day-to-day highs and lows around me because they’re not in similar boats. I’ve gotten a huge amount of comfort from seeing people with my same cancer (or same cancer but different stage) that I can identify with on social. Some who even have it much harder than me have become a huge source of strength when I feel like I just can’t take another day of trying to smile through this currently upside-down world. It seems like the only “safe” place to see others gripe and not play happy cancer patient sometimes. Anyway, I only mention because your reference to abstract vs. specific daily really resonated with me. I feel like a lot of my days are hiding what I really want to be saying but can’t on how angry and sometimes jealous I get. Anyway, this has been a good outlet, even if I’m just safely lurking on a bad day. Again, my apologies if not at all useful. You are doing really hard work and just know it’s normal to recognize it sucks, even if that’s not what “polite society” wants you to say or feel.

    10. Anonymous vent fully justified.
      My FIL w/ dementia ate my 4 year olds slice of birthday cake on her birthday last weekend. Such a small and trivial thing has really blown me away. Trying to explain and help soothe her from that type of thing made me super frustrated. His normal self would never have done something so strange. I bowed out of going to Thanksgiving dinner today to avoid him. Which is sad, but the truth.

  13. Help me figure out next steps here… almost every time we visit my in-laws I get sick and vomit, usually late at night. I just suddenly get acid reflux and then run to the bathroom. But I can’t figure it out. The tap water in the airbnb where we stay is safe I think. My in-laws have cats but I wasn’t near their food or mouths tonight. The only things I ate at my in-laws tonight were Triscuits, prepackaged cookies, 2 glasses of wine and 1 of tea. (We had lunch out around 2, at a new place.) I’m not very nervous or thinking about anything when it happens (tonight, reading happily), but every trip I puke at least once. Maybe the wine glass? Something cat-related?

    1. Do you regularly drink 2 glasses of wine at home? Alcohol is a huge acid reflux trigger, so if this level of drinking is rare for you that’s probably it. It could also be the sleeping arrangements, like your bed at home is slightly more elevated (which can help a lot). I can’t imagine it has anything to do with the cats…
      Regardless, if it’s really just acid reflux and not an actual stomach bug or food poisoning, it will be easily solved by taking a Pepcid AC before bed. I get occasional severe reflex and that works wonders.

    2. Did you drive? Do you get motion sick? Even if I don’t V in the car, I can remain green all day and then I get horizontal on a full stomach . . .

    3. I think we need a little more info. Do you get sick regularly? I would say I feel the need to throw up once a year or less on average. Could it be two glasses of wine without dinner making you sick? Failing all else, it might just be a subconscious stress thing where something happened once on a trip and your body is now primed to feel stressed, even if you dont feel mentally stressed?

    4. Allergic to the cats? Idk what their food or mouths has to do with it- you can be allergic to the dander.

      Do you throw up once a trip or every night? How do your eating habits change when visiting? 2 glasses of wine and triscuits isn’t enough to make me queasy but if you don’t normally drink with such little food maybe that is doing it?

    6. Do you get sick on other trips? Do you always stay at the same AirBnB when you visit your in laws? Is there maybe some air freshener or perfume in soap or laundry detergent or something that is irritating your system? What does your spouse think about this? Have you mentioned it to your in-laws? If they are remotely decent people they do what they can to help you solve this.

    7. Agree re: more info. Other questions: do you get allergic reactions to other cats? Do you ever throw up from drinking a reasonable amount of wine? Does this sort of thing ever happen to you anywhere else? How many times has this happened and is it recent (i.e., did you go there for years before with no issues and this last year it started)? I think you have to figure out what is happening at your in-laws that is not happening elsewhere.

    8. More details… this is the 4th or 5th time I’ve thrown up here, but only once each trip. (?!?) We almost always stay at same airbnb and my husband has gotten sick at least 2x too. One kid stays with the in-laws and one stays with us, they’ve both gotten sick also but I thought it was because my in-laws didn’t think they needed to refrigerate a huge 2-gallon thing of cranberry juice both kids were guzzling (in summer).

      My husband and I in the past have been pretty heavy drinkers – we’ve cut way back but 2 glasses is still not unusual for us. But maybe there is more snacking when we’re at our house versus theirs.

      Cats… could this be an allergic reaction? Off to google that. I’m not around many cats at all and my MIL has like 6 indoors cats (2 live upstairs where I was yesterday) and more outdoor cats.

      Our big drive was Sunday, with a smaller drive M. Spent 2 hours at my in-laws M night and maybe 4 hours yesterday, Tuesday.

      1. that quantity of cats…. omg. Maybe there’s urine that’s been superficially cleaned but not deep cleaned and still off-gassing?

      2. That’s a lot of cats, but it still seems pretty unlikely that they’d cause vomiting and no other symptoms, especially since it doesn’t sound like you’re spending much time there and the vomiting is happening later. If it’s a cat allergy, you’d probably at least feel something while at their house. If it’s only happening at night, I think it’s food or drink (water?) or something at the Airbnb.

      3. You made it sound like a “you” thing but this additional info makes it sound quite different (for reference, I’m 50 years old and have thrown up maybe twice since leaving college. I’ve been married 18 years and don’t recall my husband ever throwing up). That everyone in your family has vomited makes me wonder if you are getting food poisoning with something you are eating on the way there or once you arrive. Maybe rewash the dishes and glasses at the place where you are staying–maybe they aren’t getting rinsed in the dishwasher enough and soap is being left behind? Make sure all fruits or vegetables are washed well and that all food is being cooked or maintained at the right temperature. Food poisoning isn’t always like an instant thing–it can be something that crops up like 24 hours later. Try to think about what you guys have been eating in common.

        I don’t think the cats would be an issue in any way, especially since it’s all of you. So doesn’t sound like something like an allergy (which would usually be respiratory) or frankly even reflux.

      4. This makes me wonder if there are other things your in-laws don’t think they need to refrigerate!!

      5. I have a few environmental allergies and my most common symptom in the last several years is vomiting. It took a while to figure that out. I’m not sure the timing of you getting sick, but I have post nasal drip while I sleep and by the early morning, I suddenly feel nauseous and then vomit. Maybe try taking antihistamines during your visits?

      6. Your in-laws are giving you food poisoning. Eat only packaged foods and cut down on the tea and wine just in case. It’s the most logical answer. Buy bottled water too.

        2. People don’t normally vomit just once when they have food poisoning though. It doesn’t last terribly long (12-24 hours is common) but there’s usually quite a bit of vomiting in that time period. This doesn’t sound at all like food poisoning to me.

          1. This is an Occam’s Razor situation. Look for the most obvious answer given the information you have. All of the family members have vomited at various times while visiting. Grandma and Grandpa keep a 2 gallon opened jug of cranberry juice on the counter. It’s not the cranberry juice. It’s their approach to food safety. Don’t eat food or drink liquids that aren’t handled correctly <- this is life advice, not just for Grandma and Grandpa's house.

          2. I doubt it’s possible to generalize this broadly about food poisoning when it can involve so many different pathogens and toxins at so many different concentrations?

          3. Right. It depends on the pathogen. It depends on the dose. It depends on the patient. There are a million perumations. There is no one way to experience food poisoning.

      7. It is almost certainly not the cats. Are your in-laws throwing up frequently? Was your husband frequently throwing up as a kid? It appears there is a food safety problem somewhere. If you can throw some money at the problem, leave the airbnb and go to a hotel to see whether you and your family stop throwing up. If you don’t, I’m sorry to say there is a food safety problem your in-laws.

      8. I am highly allergic to cats- being in a room where cats had been will cause me to feel ill similar to you. The cats don’t have to be in the same room at the same time that I am there- just some history of having been there will do it for me. So it could be the cats, especially since there are so many ! Also I wonder about the air quality in their home. If they have forced hot air heating and central air and they have not changed the filters in a while, you are breathing in all the dander and other stuff that is air borne. It’s just being thrown into the air if your filter is bad. That could explain why your kids also got sick. You might want to ask your hosts about that.

        1. I didn’t know allergies could cause puking! Learn something new every day.

          But given that each person only seems to puke once per trip, and not multiple times, I’m not sure I buy the cats as a cause. Because if you’re exposed to the same thing for multiple days, wouldn’t you keep reacting to it?

          My money is on either 1) poorly washed dishes at the airbnb leaving soap residue, per the commenter above, 2) something in the water, or 3) some kind of foodborne illness. Again, hard to tell what the foodborne thing could be since it sounds like you ate packaged food and not everyone got sick.

    9. As I’ve gotten older (and by old I mean 40, lol) I have somehow developed gastritis. Not eating dinner and eating processed snacks plus 2 glasses of wine would destroy my stomach. I can usually drink wine but some wines, particularly more acidic wine, cause major issues.

      1. This. Wine, tea, and minimal food before bed certainly seems like it could be enough to trigger a sensitive trigger.

      2. Maybe this is me? Hmn. Need to google gastritis. it seems like it happens so reliably here on our infrequent visits, but then my MIL never feels the need to feed us so this is a common occurrence (drinking and small bites).

        The other thing I was thinking is maybe I’m touching something cat-related (or cat-cleaning related) and not washing my hands regularly enough if I’m eating small bites here and there. My MIL also never has enough seating for us (there are 3 2-person tables in the upstairs level but she never pushes them together for us and half of them are covered with books or cats) so I’m usually seated at a couch, so maybe touching cat fur or cat pee or something else if I put my hands on the cushion and then use that hand to eat.

        Yesterday in particular my husband and I ate everything the same – we split our lunch! – but he had a bunch more triscuits than me (like a box) and then 2 glasses of whiskey when we got back to the airbnb.

        1. Except that would mean your husband and kids also have gastritis because they’ve puked? That doesn’t make sense. Even the cat thing seems like a stretch unless it’s an issue of post-nasal drip from an allergy like noted above–but again, that would mean all of you would have the same issue, and that seems really unlikely. I would look at earlier meals before the Triscuits since food poisoning can be delayed (I once got it from mayo on a sandwich at a restaurant where lunch was mid-day Sunday, but vomiting wasn’t until Monday evening–I only figured out it was the mayo because someone else was ill and they had coleslaw and were much sicker than me). Any foods that are particularly likely to be culprits like meats, unwashed lettuce, egg-based dressing, etc.? Personally, I wouldn’t be eating anything prepped there or stored there in the meantime.

      3. Yeah I have chronic gastritis and throw up somewhat frequently; but also, I feel like utter sh!t most of the time. But, I have to be very careful about what I eat and when I eat it and in general travel throws my GI system off

    10. Tap water that I’m not used to can make me sick even if it’s safe. If you haven’t tried bringing your own water, that is where I would start.

      1. This. I would get an upset stomach every time I visited my brother. I was there for an extended visit this summer and only drank bottled water, and had no issue. I drink a lot of water so I think it was the tap water, even their filtered tap water.

      2. There is something different about the water here – hard water, or mineral water, or something. I realized this trip I’ve brought huge cases of seltzer maybe for that reason…yesterday i don’t think i drank any water at their house or ours.

        1. You drank tea that was made with water unless it was bottled tea. Still seems weird all of you would get sick though.

    11. Oh my goodness.
      I am a doctor, and my first impulse is do not eat anything at this place. Wash your hands well, don’t touch your face, don’t sit on anything fabric that can’t be cleaned easily, wash hands/clothes immediately after leaving.

      Do you own experiment.
      Visit their home and do not eat one thing. Do you still get sick?
      If you still get sick, think about cat allergies, but there are many other possibilities/allergies in any home.

      This is extremely abnormal for all of your family to get sick while visiting your in-laws.
      This is not a “you” problem.

      You can also go to your doctor and ask for allergy testing – a simple blood test – which can reveal if you have a cat allergy etc… For Xmas, buy your relatives air cleaners (multiple….) from Costco and buy them new air filters every Xmas and help set them up.

      And see them as much as possible outside of their home.

      And it is sad to say my first impulse was my goodness…. Munchausen’s …. what is this MIL putting in her family’s food, if everyone is getting sick but not her….. and her husband.

      Perhaps I listen to too many podcasts, but as I said…. I am a doctor….

      1. Yeah I am a little concerned by how unconcerned OP seems to be about this!

        I need to underscore that this is so bizarre and frankly concerning and I personally would not be spending time at this place or allowing my child to do so. Like, this is really really weird.

    12. Huh: I just remembered I had a slight headache yesterday so I took a NSAID around 3:30… apparently that can inflame the stomach.

    14. just to clarify – we all don’t get sick all the time or even at the same times. i think the kids have only been sick once in 10+ trips, and for my husband and me there is usually a significant amount of acid reflux/drink/heavy food choices that aren’t good. i puked on night 2 here but have been fine since then without even any stomach distress.

      the cats are another issue, and why i refused to go to their place the entire time i was pregnant with my second. one cat does live in the cabinet because the other cats bully her; she’s taken over the floor/bottom shelf of a cabinet that connects with other cabinets; directly above her bed are pots and pans. the cats are on the counters and tables all the time, constantly being shooed down.

      for family political reasons we definitely still have to come here for at least 2 weeks every year… trying to talk my husband into our cooking the thanksgiving dinner at our AirBnB because we’re just reheating restaurant takeout and we have more fridge space to do it. i do think i’m going to be wary of anything reheated or not immediately out of the oven at their house, though — especially after (on W) my MIL tried to offer me “taco meat” my 12 year old had made for lunch that had been sitting in the pot on the stove for 4 hours, cold.

      (my inlaws also don’t eat a lot of meat or cheese so a lot of their inattention to this stuff doesn’t affect them! my FIL had colon cancer 10 years ago (and colostomy bag at the tiem) and still has distress sometimes, i wonder if this is why.)

  14. I need help. I just found out that an elderly relative owes the IRS for back taxes. Specifically, he filed extensions in 2015-2018 but didn’t pay taxes owing or file complete returns. He is worried about garnishments or them taking funds from his checking accounts. He has the ability to pay but he feels hopeless. What should he do? Call IRS and make payments? Get a CPA or attorney to call the IRS? Is there something he can order to find out what is owed? I think he doesn’t have full records for those years – W-2s, statements etc. I’m kinda lost maybe very lost, so help would be nice thank you.

    1. I would find a CPA. My broad understanding is that the IRS is more forgiving when it has some indications that (1) the tax payer is acting in good faith (remorseful/overwhelmed is okay; spontaneous immigration to the Cayman Islands is not) and (2) taking it seriously (CPA involvement not necessary, but helpful). Since he has the money to pay he presumably has the money to pay a CPA to help work everything out.

      I base some of this on my own recent experience. We had a relatively minor problem with the IRS that I tried to solve myself but instead I wound up crying in my office when the IRS automated helpline hung up on me. Our CPA did what appeared to be magic and they sent a new letter saying everything was okay.

    2. A family member with a disability faced this when he didn’t pay on all self-employment. He owed the state and feds. A CPA helped unwind it, and sadly another family member bailed him out having to pay what was owed. Even though he’s now on disability, without financial means to pay, the debt remained.

    3. I have one of these in my family too – add to that he was self employed for the periods of non filing. Find a CPA willing to go do the back filings, then have them help them set up a payment plan with the IRS that he can actually reasonably pay. In general, agree with all the below, in general the IRS is pretty reasonable if you are trying to rectify the situation. And oftentimes CPAs will have some connections to work with agents who are more reasonable than not.

      1. +1 to all this. My second husband didn’t file for decades and honestly the IRS was just happy to have him come in from the cold, as it were. You might want to find an “enrolled agent,” which is somebody whok may or may not be a CPA but who specializes in working with the IRS (and is often a former IRS employee). The worst part is just taking a deep breath and making the first call.

    4. Please have him consult with a CPA or tax attorney before he goes to the IRS. There is a good chance those tax years are closed, meaning it is too late for the IRS to go after him for the amounts due. Unless there is tax fraud (which this probably is not), tax returns close 3 years after the return is due. The 2018 return, for instance, was due in October, 2019, and would close in October, 2022. If he reaches out to the IRS and voluntarily tries to pay, they may not tell him they’re closed and just happily take his money. If the IRS has not come after him already, the tax years are almost certainly closed, and he would be in the clear.

      1. This is only true if you have filed a return. Since it sounds like the relative never filed tax returns for the relevant year, the three-year period has not started.

  15. I think I want to leave my husband. We’ve been together 17 years and are high school sweethearts (33 now), own a home and don’t have kids. I am frankly terrified–I literally can’t picture my life without him. I like to spend time with him, and we have a lot of the same hobbies, yet at the same time we are not very compatible and I’m not attracted to him anymore. We don’t want the same things. It feels like this relationship has run its course years ago. In early 2020 I almost left–we had agreed to separate, then the pandemic happened and I stayed and I thought I was happy enough but…here we are again.

    I know it’ll break his heart to open this conversation again, and I know that I have to leave for real this time if I do tell him. I know that in the short term it’s going to be terrible, and that’s part of what’s keeping me here. I’d rather have a mediocre life forever than go through a period of discomfort to feel better on the other side apparently. I just second guess myself constantly if this is the right decision or not, even though in my heart I know it’s what’s best.

    Reading through what I’ve written it seems so silly and melodramatic, but I’ve never had a real breakup! I need a pep talk or advice on where to even start. Help?

      1. Thanks– since this one is labeled holiday weekend, I didn’t think there’d be regular posts today. If it’s quiet today I might repost on Monday.

    2. I have 2 ideas…take what you like and leave the rest.

      1) therapy for you to unpack this and help with framing a conversation later should you elect to leave
      2)write a list of pros and cons about the relationship following the below script
      (while writing consider what you can live with forever, and what you cannot)
      1- what do you bring to the relationship (ie; kindness, athletic, free of debt, etc)
      2-what you would prefer not to bring (ie; sloppiness, harshness, etc)
      3- what you want in the relationship (ie; good at adulting-self supporting on all levels), companion for travel, good intimate activities, etc)
      4- what you do not want (ie; a sports junkie, a partner not able to perform house tasks, selfish, etc)

      keep us posted :))

    3. In the words of Ariana Grande, ‘thank u, next’. That’s your motto.

      17 years is a long time but you have likely another 40 years ahead of you. If you don’t seem him as your partner for a journey twice as long as the one so far, it’s time to leave. As someone who is ten years older and stuck in a mediocre at best marriage with 3 kids, leaving is the right choice.

      Make a list of the things you want to do after you break up – start a new hobby or travel to a new place. Reach out to your girlfriends and family.

      Accept the first 4-6 months will be a huge adjustment and then there will be a new normal. This time next year you will be in a whole new place in life. Don’t let fear of the thing stop you from doing the thing that you know is right for you.

      1. God, I should probably get “Don’t let the fear of the thing stop you from doing the thing you know is right for you” tattooed on the inside of my eyelids.

    4. I divorced my husband of about 10 years, no kids, at 32, and it was overdue. Not quite as long of a tenure as you, but he was basically my only relationship besides my high school boyfriend so it also felt weird to break up. I was worried about what our friends would think…we were part of a long established friend group. I felt embarrassed to even consider divorce, especially as a child of divorce. I was convinced I would “do better”.

      I started individual therapy, which really helped me articulate what I want and what that looks like. A lot of what you wrote resonated with me. I suggest unpacking that in therapy.

      I’m now remarried at 39, and I am so grateful I gave myself a second change. You got this! Sounds cheesy, but you deserve to live a life that you love.

      1. Edit- the relationship was 10 years, not the marriage. We were married for about 5.

    5. I think if you were there in 2020, you’re definitely there now. Meeting at 16 is very young and most of us aren’t right for our high school boyfriends past a certain point. I’m sure he’s comfortable but you said it best, don’t settle for a mediocre life. 33 is prime dating age, especially if you want kids. In your shoes, I’d get the divorce done quickly and similarly quickly move on with my life. You’ve got a lot of living left to do.

      1. Exactly this. You are prime dating age and can find someone else. The uncertainty of the dating world might be holding you back… but it will be easier to find someone at 33 or 34 than at 50.

        You’re in the relationship because of inertia (and IMHO, most high school relationships should end before sophomore year of college rolls around). That is a terrible reason to stay!

    6. Hugs. I married, then divorced my college boyfriend (met at 19, divorced a few days before I turned 30). It was really hard imagining a life without him, but it’s 100% the best thing I ever did. It was really hard for a bit but I’m a million times happier. I also thought I would resign myself to a mediocre life, and then a crisis precipitated the split and I’m so happy I didn’t. I’m remarried and have a child, but even when I was alone, I was so much happier. Resigning yourself to a mediocre life is no way to live.

    7. I’ve never posted anything about relationships before because things can sometimes get contentious in the comments, but I am so touched by everyone’s kind and supportive words I’m tearing up. You’re all affirming what I think I already knew, that it’ll be worth the pain of leaving. I so appreciate your encouragement, and this corner of the internet.

      1. FWIW, I dated my high school boyfriend for 6 years and we just didn’t get married. It was hard to end it, I felt all the things you’re feeling. But sitting here at 49 with my spouse and family who are everything I ever wanted makes me so grateful I didn’t settle then for a mediocre life, I just can’t imagine how miserable I’d be. It will be hard for a bit, but you’ll get through it. It may even be easier if you’ve already had this conversation a little bit in 2020, it probably hasn’t left either of your minds. Sending love and strength.

    8. I just want to add to the chorus of support. You are so young and you have your whole life ahead of you!! Good grief — when I was your age I was thinking about leaving my first husband (which I did and it was the right thing) and hadn’t even met my second husband and gone through the breakup with him at FIFTY FIVE, which was also the absolute right thing to do, which led to me meeting my wonderful current husband in my late 50s. I’d suggest you skip the terrible second husband, if at all possible, but anyway you are completely doing the right thing and here’s my advice:

      1. Get your ducks in a row and have a plan before you tell your husband. That way you can say “Sweetheart, this is not working for me any more and I have rented an apartment and I am moving out on X date certain.”
      2. As part of that plan, consult a lawyer, find out what your rights are, and make sure you have a bank account in your own name with enough money to get yourself set up in your new digs. When I ran away from home 10 years ago, I took exactly half of the cash on hand, and in retrospect I wish I’d taken more because I needed it more (I was leaving, he was staying, so I had more expenses) and let it come out in the divorce-settlement wash.
      3. Individual therapy for you, to get through this and also to make sure you are in a good place for relationships going forward.
      4. Repeat after me: The only way out is through. This time next year things will be MUCH better.
      5. You know how you kinda wish you’d stuck to your guns and left before the pandemic? And how if you had, you’d be well into your new life by now? Remember that feeling every time you are tempted to lose your nerve this time. (I went though it three times before I made it stick. Don’t be me.)
      6. In the immortal words of E!!en: Just say “fooey!” and move on!

      2. Thank you. Good advice to get the apartment and money lined up before telling him.

    9. When I wasn’t sure whether I should leave my husband, who had been my college boyfriend, I went to a therapist and asked how people knew when it was time to break up. She said most people wait too long, until they’re completely miserable and it becomes obvious. She advised me not to wait that long.

      I looked ahead and didn’t see happiness. I saw misery. He didn’t want to break up, but he also just didn’t seem to like me very much anymore. I won’t get into all the problems in our marriage, but I will just tell you the freedom of the moment I was separated is something I will never forget. I felt like I could breathe again, and I hadn’t realized the marriage was suffocating me while I was in it.

      You’re going to have to go through some hard stuff but you will be so much better a year after you leave. Why keep putting it off?

      1. I felt “like I could breath again” after one mediocre relationship ended. Those were actually my exact words at the time. I hadn’t realized how stifled I was until it was over.

    10. I lost years of my twenties to a mediocre relationship because I was afraid of hurting his feelings and felt like I owed it to him to stay (college boyfriend, married at 23). The year I left was hard, no question.

      But you know what? I’m happily remarried (12 years now!) to an amazing partner and we have two kids. The ex also remarried, has four (!) kids now, and he’s living his best life in a part of the country I wouldn’t have moved to with him. So, better things are likely in your husband’s future too – he deserves to be with someone who wants to be with him, and you deserve to not be miserable out of obligation and guilt.

      Best of luck to you.

    11. Lots of good advice. I especially like Senior Attorney’ “I’d suggest you skip the terrible second husband”. Haha Some of the other advice and comments are familiar to me. When I I told my husband, I was leaving, I had already rented an apartment. That made it seem real to him and otherwise he may have dismissed it, or tried to talk me out of it. Also familiar was the comment from another poster that “he doesn’t want to break up but doesn’t seem to like me very much anymore.”

    12. I also recommend therapy so you can determine whether your unhappiness is a “him” issue vs. a “you” issue. I know several people who left their spouses/significant other because they were unhappy only to realize later that the other person was not the cause of their unhappiness.

      And if you decide that it is a “him” issue – follow Senior Attorney’s excellent advice and get out. Life is too short to allow someone else to make you miserable. It will be hard in the short term but you deserve better.

    13. Just chiming in as another person who married and divorced my high school sweetheart – we were together around 10-11 years, married about half of that. Nothing was horribly wrong, but nothing was right either, and doing that forever seemed impossible. I’m now 8 years on and it was definitely the right move, not a single regret. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t really hard though, and I felt so much shame and guilt when I asked for the divorce.

      I think one thing you should be clear on in advance is whether this is something you want to work on with him – I was open to working on things with my ex, and he refused therapy. When that happened, I proceeded with the divorce. I also made a lot of other life changes post-separation, thing which have made me a much happier person within and outside of my relationships. Would your current partner support you in that?

      I don’t mean to suggest you should stay when you want to go, but at least for me, these were the sorts of doubts I had during my grieving/healing process – did I do enough before calling it quits?

    14. I am currently married to my high school sweetheart after 17 years together. In response to posts like this, I have had the occasional musings about whether I am just settling for the easy choice. I have realized that I never dream of a life without him and I look forward to our future together. I am happy and I can’t see how I would be happier without him. If you don’t feel that way, you deserve more. It’s time to go. Let both of you reach for better.

  16. How much is in in your HOA reserves? I’m in a small building >10 units. We have like $2K. We are potentially facing a special assessment to paint or side the exterior, and I’m reading online that banks like to see 10% of the total value in reserves to write a loan. Thoughts, experiences?

    1. $2k is….. bad.
      Your situation is very common.
      In general, many condo associations are poorly run as people don’t want to do it, but of course it is incredibly important as your home is your most valuable asset.
      One reason I hesitated on buying my condo I was renting (in a great building with excellent reserves) was that there were still many problems with absent “landlords” renting out units without permission, people not paying their assessments and the condo association having to sue them, and so many issues…..
      I have a friend trying to move out of their condo Building ASAP as they have some crazy high special assessments looming.

    2. 2k is barely going to fix anything. Do you pay dues? How financially solvent are the other owners? Are you mostly owner occupied? Are you 10 units or 2? This is a classic “it depends” scenario, but I’d be very uncomfortable with such low reserves with more than one other solvent owner. Generally you’re going to want to repair things without a bank loan. You could go special assessment every time something needs doing, but that’s a nightmare because rarely does everyone agree on what “needs” to be done. Especially if you’re not mostly owner occupied.

      1. PS – when I was the HOA president of a 12 unit condo building in San Francisco, we kept 200k in reserves. VVHCOL area, dues were based on square footage and significant. Things break and need fixing, but it depends on the kind of building you have and where you are.

        1. We are in a 120 year old Victorian converted into condos in Boston (the typical triple decker + an attic unit to make 7 total), which keeps ranking in the top 3 w/ SF for highest cost of living. It’s the only house on the block that hasn’t had vinyl siding put on. There’s peeling paint and dry rot on some of the shingles and soffits, which was my biggest concern when I bought. The seller actually made a concession to allocate $5K toward any special assessment in the first year. Now, I see why she did that. She knew the HOA was largely inactive, and that concession was basically worthless.

          2. I’m in a condo-ized 6 unit 140 year old building in the Twin Cities that had our roof replaced this year due to storm damage. Thankful for good insurance coverage or else we would have been on the hook for more than $100K. It’s unlikely that your HOA will have anything like that in reserve, but you surely need to significantly beef up contributions to be prepared for even normal maintenance, let alone any unusual expenses.

      2. PPS – paint and siding is relatively inexpensive, you could start with a quote before getting too worried and using this incident as a reason to raise your dues and build reserves.

    3. 50 unit midrise building that is about 80 years old in VHCOL area: reserves are around 80-90k, which is low given our tight budget and high maintenance needs, including and especially four original elevators that seem to need attention every few weeks.

      People in our building who get mortgages to purchase find that the banks increase the quoted interest rate slightly upon learning of our reserves. Not too terrible though – I bought in February of 2019 and rate was bumped from 1.8% to 2.0%. Given that your reserves are not what banks like to see it seems likely that your HOA could get a loan but the rate will be somewhat higher due to low reserves.

      With that said, 2K seems incredibly low for reserves to the point of irresponsible budgeting. You might want to lobby your board about working to increase the reserve.

    4. Go read about the Miami condo building that collapsed – they knew big repairs were needed but had no reserves. A good cautionary tale to discuss at your next HOA

    5. We are 7 units, only 3 owner occupied. When I bought, I was told it was 6/7 but actually was 5/7 owner occupied.

      We have 1 trustee…we haven’t had an annual meeting since mid-2021 before I moved in. At that annual meeting, we elected 3 trustees: 1 moved and sold me her unit, 2 resigned via email because they’re planning to move and sell. That leaves #3, an absentee landlord. She has offered to vote me onto the board because I live here and care about things, but she wouldn’t set a meeting and now has stopped responding to email or texts.

      I reviewed the bylaws. Board quorum is needed to advance anything. We’re also supposed to hold our annual meeting on a specific day in January, so I’m considering mailing a certified letter to all owners saying the meeting is happening and hope that provides the impetus for the sole trustee to show up and vote me on. But I’m also going to verify we have director’s insurance before joining. We do have a management company that’s “financials only”, essentially processing our HOA fees. I’m going to ask them.

      We do pay dues, pretty modest under $300 (in Boston, that’s not a lot), and it’s just barely enough to pay common expenses.

      I’m pretty concerned. This is our first time in a HOA. My husband wants to sell, but we only bought less than 2 years ago. Selling would likely put us at a loss and we’d lose our 5% interest rate.

      1. I posted above, former HOA president, and I’d sell. I’m generally not a fan of selling and have been in the place I bought after I sold my condo for 15 years now. Your HOA is a mess and a ticking financial time bomb. In your shoes, I’d get the side painted and /or sided, and put it on the market. The loss now will likely be less than the loss over time from a building like that. Not being owner occupied is a disaster waiting to happen. Get out while it’s still in decent shape. I’m team never again for a HOA condo (which is entirely different from a neighborhood HOA that has things like a community pool, painting standards, trash, etc.)

        1. I appreciate you weighing in! I’m going to get quotes on the cost for the painting/siding and dry rot.

          1. What do you want is actually a reserve study. That will tell you what you were so should be, and in many states, it’s a requirement by law that you do when every 3 to 5 years. That’s the first step you should take. If your state is one of the ones that requires an If your state is one of the ones that requires it, you could send a sharply worded letter to the current board asking for a copy and you’ll probably at least get responses about how you can become active then on the board.

      2. Just to point out, if you have other reasons for staying, then stay, but this logic “This is our first time in a HOA. My husband wants to sell, but we only bought less than 2 years ago. Selling would likely put us at a loss and we’d lose our 5% interest rate” is classic Sunk Cost Fallacy. Don’t fall for that trap. You don’t keep throwing good money after bad just because you’ve already lost money.

    6. 15 units and we keep about $20k. Anything like paint and siding is done via special assessment.

    7. We own a second home in a 9 unit condo on Cape Cod. we keep our reserves at about $15 k. We frequently do special assessments, as often those can be categorized as improvements rather than maintenance. People are “trained” to know those are coming.

    8. Slightly different – we are a 12-unit townhouse complex. We have about $75K in reserve and we have $220K in a flex investment type account that gets the best interest rate available. We are saving for roof replacement and we have to contend with foundation issues, so the goal is always to build up the reserve as much as possible.

  17. Can someone please help me find a basic black belt to wear with jeans with sliver hardware? Specific links appreciated. Price point is preferably Target/Old Navy, but can be flexible.

    1. I buy cheap belts at TJ Maxx/Burlington. Currently I’m using a medium width Michael Kors. It isn’t too skinny or thick, and it sits really well in my jeans, not cutting into me when I sit down. I got it at TJ Maxx.

    2. Madewell has a few, and 40% off today.

      https://www.madewell.com/madewell-medium-perfect-leather-belt-B3052.html?dwvar_B3052_color=EB3864&cgid=accessories-belts#srcCode=Paid_Search%7CSearch_Brand%7CGoogle%7CPMG%5EG%5EMW_BR_US_EN_X_Accessories_Exact_X%5E&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_content=brand_search&utm_campaign=MW_BR_US_EN_X_Accessories_Exact_X&utm_term=&NoPopUp=True&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiA6vaqBhCbARIsACF9M6kSUnIfIs-ATjhPnACZ3W4qOPTEjqTlcd3v2O3Bkpbf55VGks8JjDsaAl3REALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds&start=11

      1. https://www.madewell.com/the-essential-wide-leather-belt-NN919.html?dwvar_NN919_color=BK5229&cgid=accessories-belts#srcCode=Paid_Search%7CSearch_Brand%7CGoogle%7CPMG%5EG%5EMW_BR_US_EN_X_Accessories_Exact_X%5E&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_content=brand_search&utm_campaign=MW_BR_US_EN_X_Accessories_Exact_X&utm_term=&NoPopUp=True&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiA6vaqBhCbARIsACF9M6kSUnIfIs-ATjhPnACZ3W4qOPTEjqTlcd3v2O3Bkpbf55VGks8JjDsaAl3REALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds&start=5

    3. I would try to up your price point a bit, as there will be excellent sales this week. You can buy a much better quality belt that will last.

      Look at Talbots, Banana Republic.

    4. On a tight budget, belts are pretty easy to buy used as the sizing is hard to mess up if the used site lists the length. I’d check on Thredup, which has a free shipping deal going on, and look for 100% leather, which will be more durable.

    5. Have you tried second hand stores?
      I easily find good leather belts in excellent condition in second hand stores. I recently bought a top grain leather belt for less than $10.
      Also, basic black belts with silver hardware are unisex, so try checking the men’s department too.

    7. I have the madewell classic leather belt and it is the best belt ever. So comfortable and really high quality. I’d get one on black friday sale

  18. I have to go today for an ultrasound follow up for a finding on my mammogram. I had to do the same on the other side 6 years ago and it was the catalyst for a full life breakdown that lead to me leaving a toxic job, breaking up a bad relationship and moving. I’m in the midst of other major life shifts now, although am generally in a much better place, and the timing of this is messing with my head something fierce today. I both know this is normal, and I keep being told I am too young for this to really be anything (early 40s) but also have had a friend battle breast cancer in her 30s so feel like its annoying to be told that. Anyway, I have not looped in friends (but one) and family yet, and needed to get this out somewhere.

    As we discuss things we are thankful for, I have been a lurker and occasional commenter here for close to 15 years, y’all have helped me through so much, I can’t imagine not having this board to help me through the journey of learning how to be an adult professional with a career, as I came from a blue collar no college small town background. Thanks to you all for being my anonymous ghost mentors through my life so far!

    1. I’m rooting for you. No one is “too young” to get sick – it’s just that the young rarely get devastatingly sick. I hope you’re okay and I hope that everything in your life works out.

    2. I hear you, and will share some of your worry/stress with you.
      Keep us posted.

      And good for you for realizing that when it comes down to it, your health/life is the most important thing. So I hope your life reassessment 6 years ago has led you to a much better place. Well done.

      Fortunately, it is true that with improved sensitivity of mammograms, more careful follow-up and the fact that so many of us women have dense/fibrocystic breasts…. many many of us are finding things that require follow-up ultrasounds and MRIs and biopsies. And the vast majority of those “things” are not cancer…. not anything…. just cysts or connective tissue or calcium blobs or air or whatever…. So with better technology, we get a lot more stress for women.

      I just had a breast biopsy last month, and the stress was rough. It worked out ok, as I “knew” deep down it would, but I know many more breast biopsies are in my future. So this year I really worked out with my doctors what the best screening path is for me. Now I get a mammogram and an MRI every year because I have a higher risk for breast cancer (bad genetics), but even before that I was getting a mammogram and ultrasound every year because of my dense fibrocystic breasts. I also try to schedule it so I see my PCP every year, and then my GYN 6 months after PCP, and have each of them do a breast exam, and then I stagger my imaging tests in between those exams, so the girls get a check in every 3 months. That is overkill for most people (!) but for me it works with my risk levels. Each of us should figure out what is best for us. And no one will worry about this as much as we do…. not our doctors…. that’s for sure.

      And at some point, I may get cancer. But the good thing is that by doing my screening the way I am, I will catch it early, and then I will cure it. THAT is why we are doing screening…. to cure cancer. It can be done.

      And I will encourage you to reach out to a friend and a family member that you trust, that can just let you vent/worry. I HATE it when people tell me that I shouldn’t worry about it and are dismissive…. just avoid those people if you can. I even tell my friend/family member that I just need to vent, and ask if they can just help support me while I get through this. Usually you can find a person to help.

      Good luck.

      Well done.

      You will be ok.

    3. Hang in there. Not sure if this helps to hear, but I’m 49 and have had to have follow-up ultrasounds at least five times and two even resulted in biopsies that were normal. It may feel overwhelming, but it’s honestly pretty common–especially if you have dense breast tissue like me. I honestly was surprised not to have to do a follow up when my last results came in.

      Here’s hoping you get your results back quickly. In the meantime, try to focus on all the good things of where you are now and remember that you have a lot of choices in your life regardless of what is happening externally. You’ve linked the past experience with life change–but truly, a lot of those changes were probably the result of unmet needs and were well in the making a long time before that. You’re in more control than you realize regardless of what life is or isn’t throwing at you.

    4. It’s okay to be concerned. All you can do at this point is take one step at a time. At each stage, remember that even if the news is “bad” it is good that you know and are dealing with it. You are doing what is best for future you by getting the ultrasound and getting more information. I am hoping for the best for you, but if the results are scary, we are here for you for that too.

    5. It’s normal to be scared but I had to get an ultrasound for a lump and it turned out be nothing. I have a dozen friends with similar stories. Odds are very good this is not a big deal.

    6. My breasts are so popular with my local mammogram center that they get called back regularly, and this has been going on since 2001! They have never, not even once, found anything that required further treatment. This is just an anecdote for you, so you know that these places err on the side of caution.

    7. Adding to the chorus of women who get continually called back after mammograms. Apparently I have dense breast tissue and “active” breasts (I.e., lots of cysts, I guess). I’m only 43 with no other risk factors, started getting mammograms at 40 and have never had a normal screening and at this point have had 7 mammograms plus ultrasounds plus a biopsy and another biopsy scheduled for next week. It is incredibly stressful getting called back each time, and the biopsy I had was really unpleasant and stress inducing, but I tell myself that it’s likely nothing as doctors follow up on anything even the slightest bit suspicious (I was told anything from 2 – 99% suspicion will be recommended for biopsy so that is a huge range) because they don’t want to miss anything that could be cancer. It is time consuming (I’ve wasted a ton of my precious PTO – single bucket as discussed in one of the recent threads so no sick time) and mentally taxing. hopefully it is nothing, or if it is anything you’ve identified it super early. Thinking about you and sending you good vibes for good results.

      1. +1. This is how I think about it too, coming from a similar experience. If there is something, I am grateful to have it caught as early as possible. Thinking good thoughts for you, OP. Keep us posted.

    8. OP: thanks to all, this did help. Ultrasound was decided to be “probably benign”, so I get to go back and check it all again in 6 months instead of a year, but yes on being vigilant so that if it is something we catch it as early as possible.

  19. I may try again next week for more responses…

    But a 529 vs UGMA question: considering the new rule allowing 529 fund transfer into a Roth IRA is capped at $35K max… what is the maximum you would contribute into a 529 before switching contributions to a UGMA?

    Would either be better in terms of FAFSA or financial aid application?

    Kids are preschool and kindergarten; grandparents will be generously contributing the max gift limit for each kid each year. So likely healthy six-figures by the time of college.

    1. We have an UTMA and a 529 for each kid. I m keeping a close watch on the UTMA – my understanding is that money IS considered for financial aid and at like 5x the rate parental assets are considered, and pretty early on (like freshman or sophomore year).

      I don’t regret the 529s – my 12 yo has about $180k in 2 529s and it won’t nearly be enough if he goes to a private college, grad school, or a private high school. You can use the $ on lots of things including camps, housing, books. And change beneficiary to a grandchild or the other kid or maybe even a spouse. I’d go 529 all the way.

      (Same kid has maybe $14k in UTMA in index funds from some generous bday/xmas gifts over the years. I’m hoping we can use it for summer camps or a car before the deadline, but I may just close it and move it to my accounts at that point to hold for him.)

    2. No specific advice for you, but I put money into 529s for two kids on the assumption that I would not get any aid and would be paying full freight for four years. I was pleasantly surprised that both kids got merit scholarships that lowered the bills. Now, we have waaay more than $35k in each 529 and we are done paying tuition. We will be doing the Roth transfers and we can use $10k each to pay off loans (we made each kid take some nominal loans to have skin in the game). I don’t regret over-saving. It’s way better than being underfunded. OTOH I am trying to figure out how to gift some of the excess to the next generation (my niece’s child and anyone who may come later). Neither of my kids have plans for grad school as of now. It is a good problem to have and just highlights that no matter what you decide, you won’t know until after they graduate whether it was the right or wrong decision.

    3. Check your state’s laws re: UTMA. In some states, the accounts automatically become the property of the minor once he or she turns a certain age (18 or 21 depending on the jurisdiction). I would not want an 18 year old to have full control over a healthy six figure account. 21 is better, but I personally would think long and hard about that as well.

      1. I answered above, but this gave us serious pause also – it’s why I hoped we could use it on something for the kid before he was in full control like car, summer camp, summer abroad, etc.

        ALSO – look into “dynasty 529 plans.” there have been a lot of stories about how rich people are amassing millions in these plans to pay for all future generational education expenses.

      2. Lol my father in 1988 when I was over 21 thinking it was still his. He ended up “gifting” me the remaining balance and I was too much of a good girl to explain why it was, like, mine anyway.

    4. My understanding is that most colleges assume that the parents will ~5% of assets per year that a child is in college, but assume that kids will contribute about 35% of their assets. (This works out to about 19% of parental assets and about 82% of children’s assets.) The assumption is that however parents have arranged their college savings, a small amount of their assets will be tapped each year. However, almost all of the kid’s summer job money is fair game. So if you put your college savings in the kids’ names, the universities will still want you, as the parent, to pay up.

      Titling things in a child’s name is a terrible idea. It’s theirs, they can drop out of college and blow it on luxury goods, and the colleges will grab all of it PLUS your expected contribution.

      I seem to recall that if your child gets a scholarship, they can pull an equal amount of money out of their account penalty-free. So if you have $300,000 in the account and they get a $25,000 scholarship that renews every year, they can pull out $100k without penalty.

      1. i don’t understand your comment – are you saying 529s or UTMAs/UGMAs are bad and nothing should be titled in the child’s name? (but for 529 they’re the beneficiary?)

  20. Any recommendations for very comfortable boots to wear on a trip to Paris in a couple of weeks? I love walking everywhere when I’m on vacation so I need something that’s truly comfortable but I think I might be cold in just sneakers. I’m thinking about the Sorel out n about boots, but really open to other suggestions!

    1. I like the Sorels, but also want to plug Nisolo lug soles, which were comfortable for a similar trip right out of the box for me last winter and have held up beautifully.

    2. I love my Chelsea boots from Kuru. I waterproofed them with a spray and have no issues. I wore Kuru sneakers during several European vacations with lots of walking. Very comfy.

    3. For a winter vacation to Italy I wore Blondos. Insulated, waterproof, and very comfortable to walk in. I felt waterproof was crucial since I knew I wasn’t planning to stay inside if it was raining!

    4. I see you’ve gotten boot suggestions but I suggest not buying new shoes for a trip that involves tons of walking. Paris is beautiful. It will seem less so with two feet full of blisters.

      1. I know flats and heels are notorious for causing blisters, but I’ve actually never experienced this with boots? I don’t believe in “breaking in” shoes though.

        1. I wouldn’t risk it. The Sorels for instance don’t flex much so they rub up and down on the back of your heel as you walk, or that was my experience. You get used to it but not on vacation walking miles a day. No ma’am.

          1. I believe you, but I guess that’s part of my assessment of a shoe (if it rubs, I won’t buy it; I’m not willing to get used to it).

            New shoes may be the only option if someone doesn’t have any shoes that are appropriate for both the weather and for putting the miles in.

          2. Sometimes its not about rubbing, its about a new shoe putting pressure on a different spot in a different way than your feet are used to. I’ve had shoes that seemed amazing when I put them on and didn’t hurt until after an hour of wearing. And then after another hour (with time for feet to heal), they were perfect again and lasted me for multiple vacations and other walking.

        2. I have absolutely experienced it with boots. And if you’re doing 20K steps a day around Paris, you might even get blisters from wearing new sneakers. All shoes need breaking in before doing that significant of walking.

          OP, my advice would be to just wear sneakers. I’ve done lots of winter trips around Europe and never worn anything but sneakers. Pack some wool socks just in case, if you’re worried.

          2. It’s so funny to me to imagine Paris fully of women wearing sneakers.

            Times have changed!

      2. This! Please don’t buy new shoes for a trip to Europe. You’ll likely be walking 15-20k steps per day.

      3. Born Cove Boots. Honestly more comfortable than sneakers. The suede breaks in a bit faster than the plain leather.

    5. I walk 10km easily any day and wear Geox ankle [flat] boots every winter. They’re warm, weather-proof, comfortable, zero foot pain even after long city walks, look great with pants/jeans. Just make sure you break them in first.

  21. Does Lo & Sons offer free shipping (no minimum) for Black Friday or Cyber Monday? They are running an amazing sale now but I am wondering if I should wait a few days to see if they offer free shipping.

    1. I don’t remember ever paying shipping with Lo & Sons. Can’t hurt to wait until Friday unless you think your item will sell out.

    1. For a lot of my co-workers, the holiday weekend apparently started last Friday. I’m one of three people in the office today, trying my best to get ahead on some stuff while it’s quiet.

    4. I’m working today too, and don’t know many people with the day off (unless they used PTO). But K-12 schools are mostly out so a lot of parents are “working” from home and not getting a whole lot done.

    5. So at my office we have to come in 4 days a week but can choose any day to be our WFH day (and can change it week to week). For whatever reason, my department and my department ONLY, declared that we could not WFH today or Friday. So, I am not only working today but I am in the office for some godforaken, unknown reason.

      I also had mandatory in-person things Monday and Tuesday so I didn’t even get my WFH day this week!

      I work at a F50 company and I have literally only seen two people outside of my team in the office today.

        1. It’s absurd. My department has a lot of rules that the rest of the company doesn’t have and we’re the only team I know of to not observe summer Fridays :)

          Of course, my boss’ boss and her boss are both on PTO today and on Friday (my boss is stuck here in the office with me).

          Since my higher level leadership team isn’t in today, I took the opportunity to go wild and wear black boot cut jeans (that look like trousers) and Vejas – both of which are strictly forbidden (once again for my team and my team only), even on Fridays. Other teams here wear jeans or nice sneakers any day of the week.

          I am giving my notice on Monday and I cannot wait :)

    6. Probably! I learned years ago that thanksgiving is usually a quiet week and I always take it off. It’s nice to have a relaxing break before the holidays kick in and to get everything organized.

  23. Topic: How to ask for a raise?

    I am looking for advice on how to ask for a raise. I am underpaid (in my opinion) in relation to my education and work experiences. I work in a consulting company, a job I got after a long job search. At that time I was unemployed after 2 postdocs, I have a PhD in Chemistry. I did not have much leverage in negotiating for a better offer seeing as I had no job. The work I do now is very different from chemistry, at the time I got the offer the recruiter said that since I had no experience in the kind of consulting the company does it was the reason for the small increase in their initial offer which was quite low.

    After working here for a year I have realised that the recruiter probably did not understand my skillset so well. On occasion I have taken more of a leadership role in some projects. In brief after speaking to different people I’m the company and based on my project experiences I realised my profile is more that of a senior consultant.

    My current monthly remuneration is 25% to 30% less than the median and average salaries for where I situate myself. My annual review is due, one of the things I want to bring up is salary. I feel confident in discussing my job performance through the year. I know it can be difficult to get raise once you are working in a company. You are already there so they can easily just say no. I happened to go for happy hour with some younger colleagues yesterday. 2 of them mentioned having asked for what I estimate to be a doubling of their pay based on the figures mentioned. I don’t know if they will get it or not. Having been in academia, this is new territory for me. I am also female– I mention this because women have a harder time negotiating.

    Should I ask for the 25% to 30% or be bold and ask for an even higher number? The 25 to 30% is from the data I have. But also people tend to get less than they ask for right? In addition, what is a good response if instead a better bonus if offered. Some companies do this. With inflation over the past 2 years, a raise is important to me because it impacts my daily quality of life I.e. where I can afford to live, whether I can buy a house etc. A bonus is a one off amount so there is temporary relief but not for long.

    Thanks in advance for your reponses with regards to the raise (or promotion to a Senior Consultant There is an automatic increase with a promotion but its marginal, about 10% I think).

    1. I feel like the Ask a Manager dot com archives are a great place to get advice on this. (In addition to the very good advice you will no doubt get here.)

    2. Do you have any understanding of how your company does raises? If not, you need to talk to someone who has been there a few years to understand the process. Some companies tie it directly to the performance review and have a set process with limited wiggle room to accommodate a higher raise (e.g., if your review rates you in the top quartile, you get an extra X% compared to the middle half). Some companies do some kind of market analysis to true up salaries, and incorporate that into their annual raises. Some have no defined process and you just have to ask. So first you need to understand how they generally do that so that you don’t come across as wildly tone deaf, and then if it sounds like there is any kind of room for a market adjustment or promotion you need to open the conversation with your boss by explaining that you think your salary does not match your current responsibilities, and is not in line with the market. Ask whether you can get a new market assessment as part of your review (if this is something they do at all…again, some places don’t or don’t have the resources to do it), or simply ask for what you want based on X, Y, and Z factors as you’ve described here.

      1. OP here: What I have been able to find out is that it is tied to performance review. From conversations with people who have been in the company longer one advised to present your work through the year as best as you can. To avoid as much as possible saying things that put you down, for lack of a better word. In the context of the review they will then use negative things you say about yourself to deny promotions and raises. Beyond that I know 2 people who have left this year after having raises and promotions denied, for one they had been at the company for 3 years, working consistently on client projects. They opted to leave. Regarding a new market assessment I don’t think that’s done.

        1. Given that info, sing your own praises in your self eval, ask for a giant raise, and then be pleasantly surprised if you get more than 5%. Work on your resume, and get the heck out of there. If you can get in contact with some of those people who have left, maybe they can give advice on how to tailor your resume for any openings at their new firms and refer you. This company is not going to pay you what you should be paid. You now have a year of additional work experience under your belt…use it to find something else.

          1. +1

            Agree with this.

            I am also a science PhD.

            This job was your foot in the door. You’re going to have to move companies to get into the salary range you desire. Learn as much as you can where you are, do well and have great references to call upon when needed, and start applying widely. Consider moving cities to increase your job options. You will find a great job, as your skill set is very unique.

    3. Note that a 25-30% raise on top of what you have will not equal the 25-30% lower than market you are describing.

      1. OP here: I assume this comment means that those already earning more will also get a raise? So I will still be earning less. Incase that’s not what you meant please explain. The 25 to 30% in my post is based on the info I got for the average and median ranges of salary for those with similar background to mine.

        1. I’m not 1:28 but I think that’s about how you calculate percentages. If everyone is earning 100 and you’re, say, 25% lower than market, you earn 75. If you ask for a 25% raise, you’re at 75 * 1.25 = 93.75. You’d need a 33% raise to make 100.

    4. Sounds like you’re qualified for a higher level job than the one you have, and I think that means you should go look for a higher level job than the one you have. Your company may have interest in putting you in a higher level position, or they may just want you where they hired you.

    5. I’d reset your expectations here entirely. You made your deal when you took the job and most companies will not just give you a giant raise like you’re talking about. At best, maybe 5-8% but that’s typically for outstanding performance, not “market data.” The way to make more money is to climb up or go elsewhere and start at a higher rate. You’ll be spinning the wheels of frustration trying to up your comp in your current role,

  24. I need to spend about $500 before the end of the year and was eyeing the sales for a good deal on a shiny/interesting object. Nothing seems that great so far. Anyone found anything they love? Below are the main things I was looking for, but I really need to use (or will lose) this money… so if you found something you loved please share!! This would ideally be something for myself (not my husband, kids or others… LONG STORY..)
    1. A packable down jacket: ideally patagonia
    2. A reliable coffee/espresso machine
    3. Nice bras (34G)
    4. Good skincare (i think i have most stuff but am easily attracted to cool new things)
    I already have Lo & Sons bags…

    1. I’d get the bras, new soft PJs (I like Soma) and some really nice candles. For 34G I’d go to Bare Necessities. Do you already have a style you like?

      1. I’m a 32H/34G and my favorite bra is ridiculously expensive – the Prima Donna Seamless Satin. I’m not aware of any discounts on it but didn’t look hard. Bare Necessities has another I like on sale, Chantelle 1571. I also like Chantelle 3281.

        1. PS – In general I think sales are almost always better after Christmas, especially on stuff like clothing, so be picky.

    3. I agree with Patagonia for a packable down jacket. Personally, the down sweater line is my favorite but it depends on your climate.

      For fancy skincare, I love Drunk Elephant.

    4. Worst case scenario, buy something at a store you frequent and get a gift receipt. Or can you use the money towards a gift card? I would def get myself a gift card to a spa for a massage and facial, plus to my favorite mall stores where I buy things multiple times per year. Other ideas:
      -Jewelry: earrings with small gemstones, or a pretty right hand ring
      -A new purse and wallet or work tote
      -Exercise equipment or clothing if you have a home gym or exercise a lot
      -Subscriptions to various publications or services (you could cancel them before they renew if you want)
      -Cozy bathrobe, slippers, and new PJs
      -Art, something new or finally get custom framing for something you already have
      -If you do the cooking, upgrade knives or other kitchen items
      -Premium version of something you already have, like Olaplex conditioner, those indestructible phone cases, etc.
      -Something related to your favorite sport/hobby (craft supplies, books, hiking backpack, etc.)
      -Electronics: camera or lenses, GoPro, new laptop, external monitor, etc.

    7. I’m just here browsing on the holiday weekend and dying to know the long story behind this!

  25. I live in my hometown and I should be used to old friends making flakey last minute requests to get together right? Somehow I’m not. I think in a vacuum I’d love to see these people but it’s always like a last minute thing during the already stressful holidays. I do have my own kids, job and life and it seems like everyone expects me to just be willing to host tonight because they’re visiting family in town and they gave me some vague idea they might be in town two days ago. I know I can decline but it makes me sad that these people never think of me unless they’re local and bored so it would probably end the friendship.

    1. So as the person visiting my hometown, I promise I don’t reach out unless I really want to see you. My family can be chaotic and I’m never sure if I’m actually going to be able to get together until the last minute. And I don’t need a party, I just want to see you. (And as someone who hosts a lot where I do live, my tip is just keep it simple, a glass of wine and cheese and crackers is just fine.)

    2. I understand how you feel, as a single woman who often feels like an afterthought.

      But honestly, the lives of your friends visiting from out of town are a bit hectic when they come visiting family. Most of my friends are married with kids, and trying to juggle their careers/partners/kids/ traveling and visiting both sides of the families and conflicts and stressors abound. Yes, our lives still have value and I hate when people don’t plan until the last minute and change plans and make me feel unvalued. But I do have much more flexibility when I am not traveling, and don’t see all the juggling they are trying to do, and have to be careful that I don’t come off as bitter and ungrateful. At least they are trying to see you, yes? I’ll tell you…. it stings A LOT more when you find out after the fact that your friends come to town and don’t tell you because they no longer want to see you or feel that you want to see them. That often kills a friendship….

      It is what it is. This is life. They are not doing it to you… it is how life changes as friends/families evolve and age and priorities change and must be balanced.

      And in ?10-20 years, some of these friends may reach out to you more reliably. Or not. It is up to you if you want to “end the friendship”, but I have become more understanding and less judgmental with age. Life is short. Friends are few. And true friends… even if you don’t see them for years.. decades… when you do see them, it feels right and can still be wonderful. Friendships just change with time, and will never be like what they were as children, in high school, in college… or graduate school… etc… unless you are very very lucky.

      Yes, your friends want to come to you. They are trying to escape their stressful families and would love to see you!! If you can’t open your home, just meet your friends at a local coffee house/bar/restaurant if that is easier. Or just order some pizzas and call it a day. Or just buy ice cream and eat deserts only. They are coming to see you, and don’t really care.

      And it becomes even harder to make friends as time goes on, so I am careful to nurture the few remaining friendships I have, as they continue to evolve.

    3. This kind of attitude is exactly why I’ve stopped seeing so many people that I’d actually really love to see when I go to my parents for the holidays. Life is so busy when prepping for a trip, plus I have a chronic illness and am already exhausted from travel and dealing with my family so it’s hard to know in advance whether and when I’ll have time to see many of my old friends. I feel guilty calling people up when I can’t make definite plans because I’m afraid they’ll react like OP, but I promise that when I do call people on short notice it’s not because I’m bored and I barely care about them, it’s because I had to work around things like making sure I got to see my siblings and their kids, all of whom have complicated schedules, I didn’t know whether I’d be so wiped out that I had to go to bed at 7 pm, sometimes weird work stuff comes up at the last minute, and I’m dealing with my husband who doesn’t know many of my old friends, so it’s not that fun for him to spend all of the time with people he doesn’t know and I want to make sure he has a decent time on his vacation too (he already gets lots of credit for putting up with my family). Be happy that your friends want to see you. I doubt they care about the details of the hosting part at all.

    4. A last minute request to get together is not flakey. A last minute cancellation is flakey.

      My mom is no longer with us, but when I would visit and want to do literally anything other than hang out at her house in our hometown, she would object. Then my local sister would often drop by with her carload of kids for some free, unplanned babysitting. I never knew what was coming and could never make firm plans.

      Don’t take it personally. As another poster said, going home is chaotic for a lot of people. People are not being last-minute at you. If they’re truly your friends, extend them some grace. Or blow up the friendships I guess if you need to make everything about you like this.

  26. Omg you guys a cat just came out of the kitchen cabinet. Where it lives. The cabinet houses pots and pans, plastic wraps, and all of the drawers, including silverware.

    1. DO NOT eat anything cooked there. I’m serious. Your in laws have zero concerns about food safety.

    3. Honestly, that would have me packing up my kids and going home faster than I’ve ever done anything…and would *never* visit again.

    4. Ewwww. I guess it is the cats but I don’t think it’s allergies. So, so gross. What was your husband’s reaction? What was your kids reaction?

    6. What do you mean “lives”? Like, my cats are obsessed with getting in kitchen cabinets if given the opportunity, which I try not to, but they definitely do not “live” in them? They are there for however long they can fool me for…

      1. Right? They’re cats. They’re known for quietly installing themselves in closed spaces. A cabinet is just another box if you’re a cat.

      2. So we knew a family when I was a kid who had an insane number of cats and the cats “lived” in the cabinets. The people wouldn’t discourage/discipline the cats, and never cleaned the cabinets. The cats would also climb on kitchen counters and table. So disgusting.

          1. I’m 5:14 you’re replying to…and I guess all of the cats we’ve had over the years were anomalies then…because we were able to discipline them…and to teach them to stay off counters and tables and out of cabinets.

      3. Cats are disgusting and harmful so hopefully you actually clean the cabinets and their contents before serving guests on them. Clearly the OPs in laws don’t.

    7. Yikes! I wonder if the cats carry something that you and your husband and kids are susceptible to but your in-laws are somehow immune to? It might be worth checking into with your primary care doctor. Here’s a list from the CDC of diseases that cats can transmit to humans. https://www.cdc.gov/healthypets/pets/cats.html. I think you said there are six indoor cats? That’s a lot of litter boxes in the home, and if one cat has something they probably all do, so there could be many modes of transmission if they are getting into kitchen cabinets and everywhere else.

    9. That’s gross. I’m a cat person and have never let any of them near food spaces. It’s also not humane to the cat if it’s being bullied. That cat should be re-homed for its own quality of life. But I get that might not be an option. You need to get an ammonia removal urine spray from the pet store and seriously clean. Regular cleaning products won’t do anything. Even cats that are fixed (and these might not be) spray when they feel threatened. A bullied cat in the cabinets is probably marking its territory to feel safe. Make sure there are at least 1 litter box per cat with maybe 1 or 2 more. Can the cabinet cat be relocated with its own litter box somewhere else in the house? A room that can be closed off to other cats?

      Agree fully with everyone telling you not to eat anything too until this can be rectified. You probably need to get serious air purifiers too but most likely it’s the urine. Also get all of them fixed if they have not been. Call it a holiday gift.

      1. In my experience, cats who start to spray never stop no matter how clean the area is. We rehomed a cat because of spraying that continued to happen even after using vet-recommended urine cleaner.
        I’m wondering whether OP’s husband grew up in this type of environment and maybe that’s why they continue to visit?

        1. The spaying is usually behavioral — they are feeling threatened in their environment. So no, just cleaning won’t fix that issue if the underlying problem isn’t solved. OP can buy something like the felicalm plug ins that help. And I’ve heard that you can basically get kitty pot for anxiety too. But yes, this cat (and others) may need to be rehomed. Every cat isn’t meant to be with other cats. I don’t know if OP’s husband would have that convo with the parents or not, but that’s a part of the solution for everyone, even the parents.

          1. I agree that finding the cause is essential.
            Sometimes cats just remark the areas, even when the ares are cleaned. This was our case and so we decided to rehome.

  27. Low stakes question: what is the best maxi pad? I usually wear period panties but I prefer disposable ones if I’m traveling. I prefer very thin and no wings…

    3. I hate Always and whatever plasticky material they have on them touching your skin. Too bad they seem to dominate the market. I have very heavy flow and need backup for a cup. I love the new green brands that use cotton and have the cottony material. Used to prefer Stayfree but they’ve been disappearing from store shelves.

  28. Thanks for the thread earlier this week about what folks were wearing to Thanksgiving festivities. We went to the Thanksgiving meal at a local restaurant with my parents and I wore a green sweater dress with an ivory sweater coat as outerwear, with tall brown boots and gold jewelry. Got several compliments on my outfit. I’d had no idea what to wear, as we usually have Thanksgiving at home. So thanks to everyone who posted their outfits, it was inspiring and helped me put something together I was happy with. Happy Thanksgiving!

  29. I like this dress a lot. But what would you wear one your legs? The bare leg looks is great in California but looks silly in Chicago when it’s 20 degrees outside. My go-to is tights but black and brown wouldn’t work with this and a light color doesn’t really work at all, ever. So for me, this dress just doesn’t work even though it’s really nice.

    1. No idea why you think black tights and boots wouldn’t work with it, that’s what I’d wear. Bare legs would be odd in a sweater dress.

    3. This question reminded me that I used to wear a black a-line dress with colourful tights to work circa 2006. And by colourful, I mean teal, chartreuse, or purple. I miss my 2006 DGAF attitude (not to mention my 2006 legs).

      For the record, I think black tights and brown boots would be a good look.

    5. I’d probably go with navy, but in all honesty, very few people you encounter in real life are going to care either way.

    6. I’m in Chicago, and I would wear my cashmere black wrap coat with a a large black cashmere scarf, black tights and black boots.

    7. Camel? Calzedonia has some camel thermal tights that look like they would be fun.

  30. Not sure who is reading on a Sunday but I have two interviews tomorrow with the federal government and I am NERVOUS, y’all! This is a dream job so please send good vibes my way that all goes well. I’ll also say that one of the interviewers was recently in a WSJ article detailing how he was punished at another agency over 10 years ago for making sexist comments. I’m trying not to have that color my thinking about THIS agency because they have a great reputation otherwise. But it’s adding to the nerves (I’m worried I won’t like him and it will get in the way of me wanting the job even though I’ve dreamed about this for years). I just need to calm down all around.

    1. Sending good vibes! I agree with you that this could still be your dream job despite the interviewer. I hope it all goes well!

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