ByElizabeth Hours Updated
Comments 387 Comments

Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Jail Pleated Pinstriped Wide-Leg Pants

A woman wearing an off-white blouse and brown pinstripe pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I usually think of Loro Piana for their gorgeous knits, but these pants are really something else. With a 100% silk lining, I know they’re going to be the most luxurious thing I’ve ever worn to the office.

Wide-leg pants tend to swallow my whole body unless I pair them with a slim top, so I’d skip this fall’s chunky knits and pair them with a silk blouse like the one pictured here.

The pants are $1,850 at NET-A-PORTER and come in Italian sizes 36–48.

A more affordable option (with a wider size range) comes from Madewell; it's on sale for $89.99 and available in sizes 00–16.

Sales of note for 12.3.24 (lots of Cyber Monday deals extended, usually until 12/3 at midnight)

387 Comments

  1. Help me understand the Wall Street Journal readership. I thought it was older, educated, white, traditionally-conservative men (along the lines of Reagan or Romney). The kind of men who would vote to restrict both abortions and vaccine mandates, but who knew the facts and ensured that they and their families were vaccinated and that their wives could access abortions. But the comments sections are full of people commenting, e.g., that vaccines include microchips and other easily disproved nonsense that an educated person would not believe. You have to be a subscriber to comment, so has the readership of the WSJ changed that much? Am I out of date in my understanding of its readership?

    1. I feel like the comments section of any newspaper is where the crazies come out to play.

      1. Agreed. The NYT comments section is also painful, just on the other end of the political spectrum.

        WSJ remains daily reading for every senior business leader I know.

        1. The NYT commenters remind me of my local FB group’s commenters – hyper liberals with nothing but time and condescension for anyone who can’t bike everywhere and doesn’t care about composting.

      3. Yeah no one says “This is a nuanced issue, I’m not sure what the answer is, so I’m going to write a letter to the editor to express these feelings!”

    2. 2 hypotheses:
      1. The digital-only membership is quite affordable so it no longer has the gatekeeping function that the physical paper had? And maybe membership is bundled with something else?
      2. Radicalisation of once level-headed, ordinary conservative men. Feeling threatened by social change, socially isolated by the pandemic, etc.

    3. There’s educated, and then there’s educated. You might be surprised at how many people with college degrees from pretty good universities believe a lot of that nonsense. Heck the divide between college-educated nurses and doctors on vaccines (doctors being nearly universally in favor of vaccines and nurses… really not) is pretty scary. In many schools, even good ones, the business school is just a place for kids of rich parents to party and make connections for a few years. Not surprising a lot of them end up down the youtube conspiracy rabbit hole. Lastly, the radicalization starts young, on Twitch and other gaming platforms. It’s no different than the way would-be terrorists are radicalized. Kids with means are prime targets for radicalization.

    4. I read it, among other news sources. But I never read comments anywhere other than here…

      1. Same here. I work in finance and can’t imagine not reading it. The opinion section and editorial board is not typically aligned with my politics, but the rest is solid. I don’t work with anyone who also doesn’t routinely read it. Commenters, no idea, I don’t read them.

      2. Comments here generally aren’t off the wall but they’re a thousand times more hostile than at, say, Cup of Jo. Comment sections bring out all kinds.

          1. It’s never been a fashion or clothing blog. If it was it would have closed a long time ago.

          2. It is absolutely a clothing and style blog. Are you the person who comments “it’s just clothes” every day? If so, you’re part of the problem.

        2. I don’t think Cup of Jo is an apples to apples comparison. People who comment there are mostly responding to the substance of the post itself. There isn’t anywhere near the same level of commenter-to-commenter discussion there is here, which is usually what causes people to be snarky.

          1. That may be true, but I just use it as an example because it’s a blog for women by women and I doubt there are many men there. That makes it different from discussion boards on Reddit, etc.

    5. I subscribe on paper (and have free digital subscription through work, but I hate reading online). Cannot imagine ever commenting (and from paper, would never know what that even sounds like, thank g-d). Do you have to use your real name? If people are using a handle, no doubt it is skews towards people who don’t have to worry about losing a job, etc. What is the saying: if you stay silent, they may wonder if you’re an idiot but open your mouth or type in a comment and they know conclusively? Something like that is evergreen in its truth.

    6. I don’t know the answer to your question on the readership, but the comment section of ANY news publication is full crazies.

      I subscribe to the Boston globe and the comments are about 90% troll-level.

      1. Yeah the comments on Medscape are no better than this. I think there are crackpots who do nothing else all day but leave comments on any headline that overlaps with their conspiracies.

      2. The Boston Globe comments make me want to move out of Boston. I can’t even read them anymore!

    7. I don’t think the readership has changed, but the relationship of older, educated, white people to conspiracies and extremism has — I say this as I witness my very well educated parents get sucked into extremist claims. Part of it is that they sit on the Internet but have no critical distance from it because they didn’t grow up with it so they treat it like legit journalism. It’s really difficult to watch.

      1. My DH recently took his father step by step through here is how easy it is to get a YouTube account, here is what a camera and green screen cost on Amazon and so on, to convince him to not take everything from a professionally looking YouTube ‘news channel’ seriously. I think this was eye opening to the old man.

      2. Yeah, sadly my parents have shown signs of this too (educated, formerly center-right but have gotten a little more prone to conspiracy theories since retiring and spending a lot of time on the internet). They have a WSJ subscription. But I also think the crazies come out in most comment sections.

      3. I don’t think it’s just an issue of not growing up with it sadly. Look at some of the extremism among young white males. The lack of understanding around legit media and echo chambers is a threat to all made worse by the continued attacks on “mainstream media” and lack of guardrails on hate speech on social.

    8. The WSJ comments have been like this for decades (I was in PR, did lots of news perusing and comments sections are the train wreck I can’t look away from). You’ll notice a lot of the same commenters popping up all the time…keyboard warriors with nothing better to do. I think there’s always been a sense that it skews conservative because of the Op-Ed page, so those sorts of people flock there online.

      Most people who read newspapers don’t take the time to comment. I’d guess the readership is everyone in finance, business leadership, PR/marketing, and adjacent fields, as well as a healthy chunk of spouses.

    9. Are the “educated, traditionally-conservative men (along the lines of Reagan or Romney)…who knew the facts” in the room with us now?

      Part of the disconnect you’re seeing is that this person doesn’t really exist anymore. Romney is loathed on the right.

      1. No, there are still a ton of men who fall into this camp – but they’re grouped at the higher end of the income spectrum. My husband (law firm partner in SEUS), most of the men I work with (I’m a c-suite executive in financial services), and the men in our social circle all fall into this camp.

        What has vanished is the moderate conservative working/middle class white man, IMO. That’s my background (I married into a significantly wealthier demographic), and my relatives (male and female both) have shifted into the more MAGA end of the spectrum over the last 6 years. There aren’t any Romney types left there now. (But they’re also not educated being high school, generally, so maybe they’re not who the OP was thinking of anyway.)

        2. I feel like we were conservative Dems but stopped showing up b/c there was no one to show up for. Right is too far right; left is too far left.

        3. OP here. Agree that there are many of these men still around. And if what I read is accurate, 94% of Rs voted for Trump, so most of these men did, too.

      2. Romney was loathed on the Left when he ran for President. I seem to recall people saying he wanted to kill grandmothers and had “binders full of women.”

        1. No idea what the killing grandmothers comment is about, but “binders full of women” is a direct quote from Romney himself.

          1. His point was obvious, Cerulean. The entire discussion was about how he worked hard to identify, elevate, and promote talented women in his administration. He obviously meant “binders full of women’s resumes,” yet you and your ilk pretend that he meant, I don’t know what. It’s not even physically possible to put women in those types of office binders, yet you all yelled and hollered and screamed until the women’s movement was sent back twenty years.

          2. The way you phrased it, it implied that people were putting those words in his mouth. I made no comment about what he meant by it. I found (and still find ) Romney to be a person who has his heart in the right place, but with quite different views about the world than mine.

            Your comment feels quite aggressive as a response to what I said.

    10. I think you would be surprised by the people who are vaccine skeptical now. We have a family friend who literally holds multiple important scientific patents and has a PhD who wouldn’t take the vaccine. He has complicated reasons for it but to just say that unvaccinated = uneducated or misinformed is oversimplifying it. He also loves to stir the pot on the internet. Go figure.

      Also agree with the general thesis that people who comment on these things tend to be a self selecting group. I mean the NYT cooking comments section alone is enough to want to make you just want to give up, never mind anything remotely controversial or political.

      1. “I replaced every single ingredient of this recipe and it turned out terrible! One star.”

        1. I’ve been a vegetarian for a quarter-century, and fully understand that (1) more recipes that are or can be made vegetarian are good, and (2) plenty of recipes just can’t be flexed to be veggie or to meet other dietary needs.

          Doesn’t stop people from asking how to make a gluten-free vegan version of linguine and clam sauce, like it’s the job of the NYT Cooking section to cater to their very specific dietary needs.

      2. I went on a date with a HYP postdoc working in STEM (computer science adjacent field) during the height of covid. He rambled about how the university was stifling his freedom with a campus mask mandate, and he claimed he had “read the scientific data” and knew covid wasn’t all that bad. He also told me how he loves Joe Rogan. Needless to say, it was a one and done date.

        1. Omg I would think you went on a date with my husband’s former postdoc except we’re not at HYP. Loves Joe Rogan and is now falling down the anti-vaccine rabbit hole in general, not just with respect to Covid, and supports RFK for president. I don’t understand how such an objectively smart person can be so blind to facts on this issue.

          2. Lefty D but with some views that are very popular among Trump supporters. The political spectrum is kind of a circle.

          3. Ahhh there’s more than 1 of them out there. Not surprised. If Dr. Anti-Mask were alone in his viewpoints, he wouldn’t have felt the need to aggressively explain them to me on a first date. I’m sure he has other postdocs and academics that agree with him.

      3. My biostatistician father worked with the clinical trial manager for one of the vaccines, but was still hesitant about getting vaccinated. Conservative brain rot is real.

    11. I’m an avid WSJ reader and actively think the quality of its news reporting and the accuracy of its writing is by far the best mainstream US newspaper today. I’m also young, female, and very progressive. I skip the op-eds, to which my original statements do not apply. The number of times the NYT has glaring typos/grammatical errors, misleading titles, or just generally jumps straight from correlation to causation in their reporting makes me wonder how little respect they have for their readers intelligence… the WSJ actually feels like it cares about journalistic integrity. All that to say – yes, the commenters on the WSJ are crazy. They are also crazy on the NYT and WaPo and lots of other online media too. It’s a different pool of people than the aggregate readership! The NYT even did an article a few years ago where they interviewed some of their most prolific commenters. They were not representative at all.

      1. Yes, I agree with this. I read the WSJ, NYT, Washington Post, and our local paper (Colorado Sun is a non-profit and is quite good). I read most though not all of each paper, except for sports. I don’t agree with a lot of WSJ editorials, but I have learned things.

        For the most part, commenters are people with an axe to grind, and are really there just for the satisfaction of repeating their own opinion.

      2. I’ve been listening to the WSJ podcasts and find them so helpful and intelligent, even (especially?) on complex issues. And I’m a middle-aged woman with kids who lives in a big city and is basically the living nightmare of MAGA guys.

        The NYT journalists don’t seem to understand correlation v. causation AT ALL, and their coverage of domestic issues outside of NYC is pretty clueless / condescending (e.g., you can play bingo with any piece on LA – https://la.curbed.com/2015/2/19/9991026/new-york-times-los-angeles-bingo ).

  2. I’m going on a big trip (with family) to South Africa this December. Two questions: first, I have a day in Cape Town. Any suggestions for places to go and things to do? Second, any packing advice would be wonderful. It’s two weeks, mostly a safari in the Kalahari. Thank you!

    2. Your safari company should provide you guidance on packing. I understand there are usually weight restrictions on your luggage, so you can’t bring a ton of stuff, but there is laundry service daily. Wear light colors – dark colors attract insects.

      1. +1 on weight restrictions. Usually they are very low. Some Safari companies require no black, natural colors only, etc. Also consider what you will wear while on actual Safari (in the truck) vs the downtime you will have at camp.

    3. Just a reminder that if you are doing laundry or having your laundry sent out that it will all need to be ironed if air dried (most places will air dry). This is due to a fly landing on your laundry while it dries and laying its eggs on it. Ironing kills these eggs so the larva does not burrow into your skin. I say this because sometimes people bring “Quick dry” clothes that aren’t able to be ironed and it gets complicated.

    4. In cape town: District six museum. Look up its history. I have been to museums all over the world but this on stays with me .
      The botanical garden.
      the Table mountain

      I want to go back!!!

    5. Along with checking advice on colours, bring layers. I spent several weeks in South Africa in November years ago, and our safari rides in the morning were freezing!

  3. I forgot to note earlier that I have a pair of these Net-A-Porter slacks! They are fantastic b/c they do not wrinkle very easily like others do. Of course, they are not inexpensive, so be forewarned! The manageing partner’s brother stared at my tuchus last when I wore these @ work!

  4. Ugh — I tried on my closet over the weekend and it’s not pretty. I am really struggling to find things that are flattering to my shape now that it’s hit the perimenopause spread / belly expansion. Particularly with dresses, which were how I used to get through the winter. I bought several items for RTO that bunch around my natural waist, which is pretty high (or my torso is short). I’m still flat-chested, but my bottom size is now 2 sizes greater than my top. It’s a sad, deflated look on top to get stuff to fit on the bottom. I’m still in standard sizes, but it’s like a 6 top on 10/12 pants, but I often need to go bigger on the jackets and tops now b/c they are cut longer (and then they look too blocky b/c I can’t fill out the darts) so they don’t pull on my hips. Crop tops are out of the question for work.

    I need an Insta account to follow of someone who is not super-thin and is 40s/50s or older and who dresses her shape well (and hopefully shares where she shops). The tailors think it isn’t possible to really modify garments so much, so I need to find a place that works for 2023 me. Chicos?

    1. Maybe Wardrobe Oxygen? She has Instagram but also a regular blog where she goes into more detail about fit and styling.

    2. JoLynne Shane is in her early 50s, has recently gone up a pant size or two, and does a good job of analyzing what works and doesn’t work on her shape and why. She is also relatively stylish, although I think some of her pants lengths have been sort of frumpy lately.

    3. Don’t give up on tailoring. That is the absolute secret. You might need to adjust what you buy in the first place, but it’s worth looking around to find a good tailor.

    4. I couldn’t zip a moto jacket today, but could if I bunched the bottom up to my waist, which looked just so bad. I guess I could wear it undone, but not ideal now that it is cold. I could go from a M to a large (but I already own this and am trying to save $), but for bra sizes, I’m still in a 32B, so just feeling lost in my clothes right now. :(

    6. I find and go up in size I need to double down on my dressing to balance my body shape. It sounds like you would do better focusing on building some volume on your upper half. (So sleeve and shoulder and neck details plus lighter colors up top) and since you have a waist, leaning into things that emphasize it. I’m not sure how tall you are but I’d consider petite sizes in tops if you have a short torso and high waist. Tie waisted dresses sound made for you. Ruffles might not be your style but a little puff in the sleeve is still popular and will look great on you. Curvy for bottoms are also your friend. Good luck. No shade on chicos because they have some cute stuff but I’m your size and just not ready for older lady clothes yet.

    7. Wardrobe Oxygen and JoLynne Shane are decent sources. I hear you on the perimenopause body changes. Nothing really prepared me for this. I’ve never been tiny and was used to having wide hips, but I’ve always had a flat belly. Well, not anymore. Everything is redistributing and is just … rounder. And just maintaining my weight is difficult, let alone losing it.

      1. I hear you — I have gained less than 10 pounds since high school, but on a short late 40s body that doesn’t get enough exercise. It’s about 3 sizes different than I was pre-pandemic. I don’t even want to lose weight but I think absent lifting a lot, the shape is unlikely to shift back towards what it used to be. And I wouldn’t mind being larger, but I feel like my lower body is puffed out in a way that makes dressing it very hard. The OB swears it’s not fibroids, but it’s that sort of look. Very belly-forward.

    8. I follow them on tiktok but they’re probably on insta also: laureladeville (i think she’s size 12/14 and around 45) and baaah there’s another one who went slightly viral for a poor choice in wedding guest attire, namely a totally see-through skirt, but otherwise has generally good choices and sounds like exactly your body type. i’ll keep trying to look for her.

    9. As a pear shape this has been my entire life.
      A good tailor can modify a lot, but there are limits unless you want to pay to have the garment completely remade.
      For me, I get bottoms to fit my hips and then get the waist adjusted as needed, for jackets and blazers I stay away from anything that needs to go over my hips too much, and stick to ones that end right before the widest part.
      You do absolutely need a tailor as a pear, though, so do not give that up.

    10. Maybe right now is not the time to wear dresses, but to look for two pieced dresses, or pants with tops. Pants and tunics might work…v necks are slimming…maybe wrap tops. A tailor, especially for the tops, should be your new best friend.

    11. I don’t have advice but I sympathise. I turned 45 and a belly appeared. My dresses look awful and my jeans and trousers don’t fit. I sit down all day so I don’t want something digging into my waist.
      There needs to be a menopause range that has a smaller difference between hips and waist, or should I be wearing men’s jeans and pants now?
      Meanwhile I’m wearing elasticised waists all the time.

      I’m about the same size as you so thank you for asking this question.

      1. OP, I am a very similar size/shape as you.

        Many dresses are not your friend, as you are more extreme pear shaped like me.
        Pants are not your friend, as even if you tailor everything to perfection, the bloat/stomach (which can change from day to day, hour to hour as you go through perimenopause) makes tailoring and perfect drape impossible.

        So what do you do?

        Lots of stretch/elastic waists, if you must wear pants. Or skirts w/forgiving waists
        Curvy cuts of course.
        Avoid all front pockets, front zippers on pants. Things bunch/don’t lay well.
        Nicer fabrics with weight/drape help.
        More A-line or longer dresses can work, with flow/drape.
        Shift dresses can be really flattering, especially if you have great legs, great shoes.
        Always pick good fabrics, flattering colors. Make sure it fits and moves well.
        Try to avoid too girly “fit and flare” dresses, unless that is your look.
        No fitted sheaths. Old look. Not flattering for our shape.
        Define the waist – a wrap coat is nice, beautiful thick wrap sweater, good belt.
        Define waist by watching carefully where your 3rd piece/topper ends helps.
        Also pay attention to where your sleeve length ends. The eye is drawn to it.
        Empire waists sometimes work. Sometimes drop waists work…

        And Eileen Fisher is popular for a reason. Maybe someday…

        1. This is such good advice, thank you! I’m not the OP, but am the above commenter.

          I have noticed that a drop waist dress is a beautiful fabric worked well on me – so surprising!

  5. Please pray for me/send good vibes for an interview I have in 15 minutes. I actually have two interviews today with the federal government and I am NERVOUS, y’all! This is a dream job so please send good vibes my way that all goes well. I’ll also say that one of the interviewers was recently in a WSJ article detailing how he was punished at another agency over 10 years ago for making sexist comments. I’m trying not to have that color my thinking about THIS agency because they have a great reputation otherwise. But it’s adding to the nerves (I’m worried I won’t like him and it will get in the way of me wanting the job even though I’ve dreamed about this for years). I just need to calm down all around.

    1. There is no such thing as a dream job. Listen to your own instincts so you aren’t posting here in a year lamenting the mistake you made. Have an open mind but don’t be blind in the process.

      1. It’s quite possible that the offender is on the hiring panel but wouldn’t be OP’s manager (or even work with her). She should definitely try to suss out the team’s dynamic, but one bad apple isn’t necessarily enough to turn down a job (though, it certainly can be and your advice to follow your gut is good).

        1. Totally agree but it’s worth avoiding the “dream job” trap, so many people ignore big red flags because “dream job.” And IME, it’s rare to have someone on an interview panel who won’t interact with a position somewhat regularly.

        2. I think the point is that regardless of how closely that particular guy is involved, you shouldn’t put a job on a pedestal as a “dream job.” And I agree.

    3. Good luck!!

      As I’m sure you know, the federal hiring process is a grind so even getting an interview (let alone two!) is an accomplishment. Also – if it takes forever to hear back don’t fret; I’m in the process of receiving a final job offer and it’s been a nearly 6 month process to get here.

    4. Ha, I know exactly which article you’re talking about. If the guy is under age 40 now (aka was under age 30 at the time of the comments) I’d be cautiously optimistic that he learned his lesson about what he can say in the workplace and isn’t currently making s3xist remarks. If he’s older than that, all bets are off: he spent long enough in an environment where his behavior was acceptable that he’s unlikely to change his stripes. I’d want to ask the HR rep you’re dealing with how they treat and investigate claims similar to those made in the article, including how they prevent retaliation.

    5. OP here – it went well and I learned I wouldn’t be reporting to that guy! In fact, he wasn’t even there. It was two women who interviewed me and I would be reporting to one of them.

  6. IT’S HAPPENING. I posted a while ago basically asking for moral support in hiring contractors to come in and finish a big Reno project that had taken my meticulous husband more than 18 months to get to this point. We had a great discussion in the comments because truly – husband is an engineer, a perfectionist, has the skills to do this and over the years has saved us a lot of money but has been spending his time on kids + work rather than renovations.

    It was a weight lifted off his shoulders in the end. Our (experienced, trusted) contractors showed up at 7AM and will be done within 3 weeks. With EVERYTHING. They also commented on how well done everything up to that point was – everything labeled, installed with absolute attention to detail. I passed this along to husband (who is out of town on a work project which – conveniently – is going to end up basically paying for this – and he was delighted.

    So. If anyone else has been in this position, CALL THE CONTRACTOR. Your partner might be secretly relieved.

    2. I remember this because I am also married to a perfectionist engineer husband who has 5725294 half done projects. I am so, so happy for you!

      And you have found the key which is a contractor your husband trusts. I finally found one. He’s expensive and I do not care. If Mike says he needs to do something, or it will cost more, or there’s a cheap way and the right way and he recommends the right way… husband agrees and trusts him completely.

      1. Hah! It’s a stereotype for a reason. One of husband’s big concerns has always been that we live in this cool old house with tons of character which has been well maintained. It’s much easier for people to basically replace the old stuff with pre-cut or pre-fab pieces, but then you lose the detail. Husband has done amazing labor of love things which he’s gotten great joy from (and they’ve saved us a ton of money…)

        Our guy is Joe. If Joe says that it should be done a certain way, husband trusts Joe.

    3. I mean, start with the contractor in the first place. You spent years living in a situation that could have been remedied in months.

      2. Not helpful. The OP said that they have saved a lot of money over the years by doing things themselves. Sweat equity is a thing.

      3. How would she do that? Have you invented a time machine? Would love to get in on this.

      4. You are clearly not married to this man. That is not how these projects work.

        I wish it were ;)

    4. This is fabulous! My engineer husband is also a Virgo, and it is a lot. I think I need to pay someone to recover our dining chairs as he is completely over sewing now and has moved on to an obsession with electrical work and smart devices. Our apartment has never been more illuminated, but our chairs are shredded.

  7. Our house has two fireplaces. Im considering converting them from wood burning to gas. We’ve lived in the house almost 8 years and have never used either fireplace. We’ve energy proofed them but they are still drafty. The one in our drafty living room one I could see us using. The other is in our den, which is always toasty warm, and we have a tv mounted above it. I double we would use it but it seems silly not to convert both, esp when that one is directly above the gas line anyway.

    Thoughts? Do we just leave them decorative? Would we get use out of a gas fireplace? To convert both in our area (MA) is probably going to be ~$10k.

    1. I’m coincidentally in MA, and we have a gas fireplace that we love and use frequently. It heats up about half of our smaller condo. We also love the vibes!

    2. I converted ours to gas and absolutely love it. It’s a nice override if the power goes out, cozy and warm in the winter and atmospheric. You won’t regret it. And do both of them.

      1. +1 this. I’ll add that I live in a somewhat drafty 100 (plus) year old home. The gas fireplace has been a life saver helping the house stay warm during the winter stretches that the temps are in the low teen’s (North Jersey).

    3. I would convert the one in the colder room but not the one in the warm den. We have a gas fireplace in a warm room that we can never use because it puts out too much heat.

      1. If you’re thinking long-term for resale value, I’d actually leave one of them unchanged. Some people love wood fires and would be disappointed to only have the option for gas. Others are concerned about having or using gas in the home (much like the concern over gas stoves) and so two gas fireplaces could be a deterrent.

        I’d convert one and leave one as is, that way you get the best of both worlds.

        1. I think it’s much more likely a potential buyer will wonder why the hell they didn’t convert both.

    4. We have a gas fireplace in our living room that we never turn on. The room is too open for the fireplace to actually heat it well and where I live, gas is really expensive.

    5. We had a gas fireplace in our old house and used it maybe twice in the five years we lived there. We just didn’t spend a lot of time sitting around in our living room, and like the poster above, it was a big open space where you couldn’t really feel any heat from it. I definitely wouldn’t have spent even a penny to install it if it hadn’t been there when we moved in.

    6. If you think you’d use them, then sure, it’s worth it. I added wood burning inserts with blowers to mine, which is a little different, but made a huge difference with ease of use. Gas inserts would be even easier. I like them because they will actually heat my house if there is a power outage. If you only want to stop the drafts, have you tried stuffing insulation up the chimney? We have one stuff to stop the drafts. They also sell chimney balloons for this purpose.

    7. i would not convert both. my parents have two fireplaces – 1 of each. it is nice to have both bc on Thanksgiving the gas one wasn’t working so we used the wood burning one and also made smores. with power outages if gas one doesnt work, good to have the wood one

    8. I wouldn’t change either and instead look at other forms of heating like a heat pump, and using the wood heaters as decorative extra heating.

      Look into how bad the air quality is for gas heating and where gas prices are heading.

      I would not buy a house with gas heating. I changed it at my place and my health surprisingly improved.

  8. Help me hive. I am in my late 30s but look (and feel) much younger. And not just younger but…immature, if that makes sense. I was in an airport over Thanksgiving and I saw this woman on my flight who was so impeccably dressed and I felt like such a schlub in comparison in my joggers and sneakers and messy bun. I want to be more chic and pulled-together but it feels so daunting. For one thing I’m a size 18 and I feel that invariably I look rotund and frumpy no matter what I wear because of my size. For another thing, I’m the type of person who can’t wear white because I spill and I’m constantly dropping things. But I really want to change and have people take me seriously. I try to wear nice clothes and makeup every day to work, I take care of my skin, but I still feel like a kid in comparison to my peers. What are your tips for being more pulled-together?

    1. I’m also plus size, and the tailor is your friend. That goes for any size. I feel so much more pulled together when my clothes fit well, ex. shortening my sleeves makes a huge difference.

      I also spill…so I had to get over myself and either use a napkin like a bib, or I don’t wear white.

      I’m the joggers and sneakers plane traveler, so no tips there. I want to be as comfortable as possible. I’ve done the fly in and out same day for work, in a suit, and it’s exhausting. So if I’m traveling for fun, I definitely will be in leggings, sneakers, and layers on top.

      1. Thank you. I do hem my pants because I’m short, but I should look at tailoring my clothes.

        It’s not that I want to be dressed up for a flight necessarily, I agree that being comfortable is important, I just wish I was the type of person who always looks effortlessly stylish.

        1. The people I think look effortlessly stylish are honestly making a big effort. They take care of their skin, they do a lovely “no makeup look” make up every day, they get their hair cut and colored regularly and take the time to actually style it. I’ve always been a no make up wet bun girl but I’m 40 now, so I’ve started doing a 5 minute face look with Merit daily and I blowdry way more often and it’s just a big upgrade.

          1. I think sucking it up and actually styling my hair every day is something I need to start doing. I have curly hair so I usually air dry and then throw it up in a bun because blow drying it straight takes so long.

          2. Yeah I don’t think it needs to be blow dried straight. Just, a deliberate style.

          3. OP— I’m also a curly girl who can’t deal with drying my hair straight. One big thing you could do is embrace the curls or at least learn how to work with them. There are all kinds of products that will cut down or eliminate frizz and define your curls. I am usually a t-shirt and jeans person, but I get compliments on my hair almost daily now. I’ve gone all in and gotten a curly cut that would look weird straightened.

        2. I think jewelry and accessories makes a huge difference here. If I’m wearing a simple t-shirt and jeans I feel schlubby. But I put on a real watch, nice pearl earrings, a chain necklace, a belt, clean shoes (even if they are just birks, uggs, leather slip-ons or sneakers), dark socks, a metal hairpin instead of a plain elastic or plastic clip… it makes all the difference. Those little details do really matter for me, but I’m still comfy in a t-shirt and jeans. I also rarely have a proper purse as I use a backpack for the stack of work files that see to follow me everywhere – but the backpack is clean, plain, and I might throw a pretty scarf or charm on it that matches my outfit. I also think that things like posture and demeanour help. I notice that “effortless” people don’t rush in the same panicked way that I seem too… So I am working on taking an extra 30 seconds to breathe, zip up my bag, actually put on my coat, check my directions etc before I actually start moving, instead of leaving a room in a hassled rush.

    2. My main tip is counterintuitive–don’t wear baggy clothes! A well-tailored silhouette usually looks much more put-together on a person of any size. The exception is a balanced outfit that consists of a fitted top and intentionally loose pants, or fitted pants and an intentionally boxy or slouchy top.

      1. Agree. I’m a size 12/14. Regardless of where the styles are trending, baggy clothes do me zero favors. I can play with proportions if I want to, but I can’t deny that I look 100 percent better when I’m wearing clothes that skim my body rather than anything loose and baggy.

    3. Start with a sleek bun, different athleisure bottoms that aren’t joggers, put on some lipstick and get a pair of real earrings to pair with the look (I favor diamond studs). Add a leather tote (even Cuyana is great) and you’ll have upped your look at low effort.

    4. Third pieces help a ton. Even joggers and a tshirt look more elevated with a cardigan added.

    5. I know what you mean. You know the mom in Home Alone and how she was dressed? She’s supposed to be like 35. I’m 35 and let’s just say…not like that.

      But play to who you are. If you’re someone who travels in leggings and a sweatshirt, you’re not going to become someone who travels in a tailored pantsuit. Find ways to upgrade your basics and it will make a lot of difference. Wash your sneakers in the washing machine, wear cute athleisure sweaters, and don’t worry about your hair too much.

      1. This is where I land (I’m 37).
        As for hair – maybe an updated cut/color? Something that works with your texture and looks good without too much effort.
        Also lipstick.

      2. Yes! The mom in Home Alone is a great example of the kind of woman I want to be but I am not, lol.

      3. What? 35? I assumed 43, based on clothes and hair (and five kids!) in Home alone.

        Not because of the actress, she looks great, but there is nothing about the style that says 35.

    6. Someone above mentioned it already, but the “third piece” is huge here. A belt, a scarf, interesting earrings, etc. can all take a look into “intentional” and “pulled together,” even if you were pulled to wear your comfies that day. Also, I think a lot of us have a tendency towards basics–I know I do–and a statement blouse/shirt/sweater/etc. or actually wearing the nice stuff rather than the comfies can help in this regard.

      1. I love a scarf because it doesnt actually detract from the comfy, but looks intentional. And tends to look intentional in a not trendy way I think.

    7. I just want to say that nothing about being a size 18 = frumpy!

      And to answer your question, things that help me feel pulled together and still comfy:
      – Every day jewelry. Over time I’ve been building a collection of simple, pretty solid gold pieces that I can wear 24/7. Etsy, Catbird, and Mejuri are great for this
      – Investing in athleisure. I WFH so I get a lot of mileage out of bootcut yoga pants and coordinating cozy sweaters. I like Beyond Yoga and Abercrombie
      – Cute sneaks! There are tons of fashion-y sneakers these days. New Balance 327s are my favorite
      – Easy hair care. This will really depend on your hair but if I use Verb Ghost Oil and blow dry my hair I feel polished. And a claw clip goes a long way

    8. I was flying a few months ago and saw a great travel inspo outfit: trendy sneakers, black leggings, white t, and a fashionable casual blazer, basic jewelry and makeup, and hair in a claw clip (so easy but so on-trend!).

      I, annoyingly, find that I feel so much more put together when I style my hair. My hair is wavy, and I still only take 5-10 minutes to do my hair (on days I do my hair, which is less than half of the time); if I shower in the morning I use a Revlon one-step stylizer and if I showered at night I use a straightening brush or a normal straightener.

      I pretty much have a jewelry “uniform” that also helps me feel put together. I have a permanent Catbird bracelet, a gold chain necklace that I don’t take off, and a pair of hinge hoop huggies that I also don’t take off. I can change out my jewelry if I want to (except the bracelet), but I also know I always have on-trend jewelry I like on if I am in a rush and don’t have time to change it out.

      1. I posted above put my jewelry look is very similar! I also have a permanent Catbird bracelet and love it so much :)

    9. I think perfectly styled hair can actually look overdone or frumpy in some situations, such as on an airplane. I have a pixie that absolutely must be styled every day and I sometimes wish I could do the messy bun thing. I’d focus on upgrading your athleisure.

      Another factor to consider is the physical feel of your hair. When I had longer hair, I just felt gross if I air-dried it even if it looked nice. I had to blow-dry it in order to feel clean and neat.

    10. You’ve received some excellent advice already, but I’ll also add: figure out what colors look good on you. You don’t need to dress in white/beige to look pulled together. In fact, if those colors wash you out (as they do me!) you’ll look way worse!! This also applies to makeup– If you don’t already know, figure out whether you’re warm or cool or neutral and wear the right makeup for your coloring. I see so many women who wear makeup too cool for their coloring and it’s nowhere near as flattering as it could be.

      1. Yes! I would love to be the person in beige and white, but they truly suck all the color out of my face. I am at my best in midtone shades that are on the cooler side. It is worth taking some time to figure out your best colors and just sticking with them.

    11. I’m a size 16 and feeling sharp and pulled together can be challenging at times, because generally business formal clothing lines are based on military or menswear, and that’s not a comfortable or flattering look for most curvy gals. So it’s not you, it’s the clothes! However… I’ve learned that I feel and look best in items that flow or move with me and my curves–jersey, wool knit, cashmere knit, silk, woven wide legged pants, etc., rather than stiff items that feel like they’re fighting me and feel costume-y and matronly. Fabrics to look for are ponte, jersey, wool knits, cashmere/angora/mohair knits, silk, rayon, Tencel, Viscose, Bamboo, linen/linen blend. As a woman of size, natural textiles often drape and wear better than less expensive or outright cheap options, FYI. So you might have to resign yourself to laying out some coin for your clothes. Vince and Eileen Fisher are two brands that go up to a 2X and have beautiful materials and fabrications. Check the second-hand market for those, they are often sold for pennies on the dollar.
      I also developed a handful of “formulas”–this is a great idea regardless of size/age. Formulas help you find multiple versions of something to build that outfit over and over.
      An example would be a cropped ponte pant + a natural-waist shell with a draped neckline, skimmer flats, and a cropped, boxy topper. Another option: a full length wide legged pant + a slim merino v-neck sweater over a cami or tank (which doesn’t show) + a statement necklace and slim profile loafers. A third option is a tunic button down over a cropped narrow pant + a slim profile shoe (sneaker, loafer, flat) and a statement bracelet or ring–bring the focus to the hands/arms and away from the mid-section.
      You don’t have to wear white to be pulled together! A white button front blouse typically looks best on a very particular kind of woman (wiry sporty preppy White House Advisor type) and honestly, it’s not worth the hassle and struggle to find one that’s opaque and fits across the bodice for the low return looks-wise.
      Notes on spilling/stains on clothes:
      Wear dark colors, prints, patterns and textures–these hide life’s little mishaps better and you can still look chic and professional in a pair of navy wide legged pants, a maroon and navy tweed short sleeved top, and a patterned silk scarf at the neck.
      The single best advice I ever got: bring yourself to the food, don’t bring the food to you. Meaning lean closer to the soup, plate, etc. Don’t bring a loaded fork teetering with gooey pasta up a slope to your lips, bring your lips much closer to the plate!
      Cup a hand under finger-foods when you’re eating them.
      Scotch-guard your clothes–you can spray the clothing (spot check first) and protect it from many stains
      Carry a Tide Pen in your purse and at your desk–these things are lifesavers! I’ve used them many times when I get coffee drips or whatever.

      2. That is such a nice and helpful comment.
        I am not the OP, and I don’t need this particular kind of advise, but I just got to say thank you for taking the time to share some really thoughtful tips.

    12. I just discovered @emilyjanejohnston on Insta and she is tall and size 18 and just owns it and looks great. I also like @the.courtneyspencer on Insta, who is another fashion influencer about your size.

    13. Reply in mod, but I just saw you said you’re short, so check out mimipluswill on Instagram, as well!

    14. Getting my hair colored, having my nails done (I don’t do this all the time but it makes such a difference in how put together I feel), whitening my teeth using Crest white strips.

  9. I need some color inspo. What colour are your shower walls?

    We are having to replace our weird closet shower because it’s falling through the floor… obviously, this wasn’t a planned reno/budgeted for, so we’re going with wet walls rather than tile but I’ve looked at approximately 1,000 examples and can’t figure out what I want? If I could narrow it down to color, that might help?

    No natural light, and we’re the only ones who ever use it, so could go fun/bright? Terrazo maybe?

    1. Okay, I’m going to say that for walls you want to go white and then add really fun accessories. I live in an older house and the style of the time the house was built was black and white bathrooms because it looked ‘hygienic’ and honestly? Still love that vibe. So I would personally go white to maximize light and put in a black and white inlaid design… then I would totally add retro mint green and pink towels/bath accessories to give it pizazz.

      1. Hmm, my instinct is always colour but perhaps you’re right. I would really like black fixtures but we looked yesterday and sadly the budget doesn’t stretch to it (why is it double between chrome and black???).
        I need to remind myself I typically shower in the dark (night time showerer, hate bright lights so just light a candle) so odds are, I’m not going to notice whatever I choose after the first week!

        1. Girl you have the oddest shower habits on here. Candlelight only?!? What??

          Go for a nice normal white.

          1. Nah man a candle shower is pretty nice. I don’t do it all the time but every now and then it’s soothing.

      2. Agree. My shower walls are light gray and we have a lot of fun accessories and color in our bathroom, but when I visited the house I appreciated the neutral backdrop. Just promise you won’t do shiny black – my previous condo had that and it was such a hassle to keep clean and I hated it.

      3. +1 to neutral walls and fun accessories. Our shower and countertops are white marble, cabinets are painted black and then we have fun Missoni towels hung in a pretty prominent way.

      4. I think this is personal preference. My favorite thing about owning our house is being able to have non-white walls. and four years in, colorful wall, still bring me joy.

        Personally, I would go with an aqua. I love the color and think it’s great for a bathroom because it reminds me of running water.

    2. Why wouldn’t you tile? That’s a mold problem waiting to happen. White subway tiles are your friend, they’re inexpensive (basically the same price as paint) and will look 1,000 times better plus are the right material for a shower.

      2. I assume she means they are using an inexpensive molded plastic or fiberglass shower, which is a thousand times easier to keep clean than tile with grout.

      3. Yes, subway tile is classic for a reason (my 100 year old house has the original subway tile in it). I’m very against drywall or plaster in a shower because it’s asking for mold.

      4. Not OP, but cleaning shower grout is the pits. I’d much rather a solid surface/bath fitter type thing.

    3. I love terrazzo but it’s going to look dated very soon. I’d go with white or some gray/taupe/stone color. It goes with everything and won’t go out of style. You can get fun towels/accessories to make it more interesting and then switch those out whenever you feel like it.

    4. I just redid my bathroom and really wanted to avoid white walls, as fully white bathrooms always feel too cold to me (not helped by it being the coldest room in our house). We ended up going with turquoise tiles in the shower, a mid-grey on the walls, and then the floors, countertop, and trim are whites (with grey/blue tones in the stone). That said, it’s a room that gets a lot of natural light, but even at night it doesn’t feel dark, just warm.

    5. Go with a nice, bright, clean white shower. If you want color, paint the bathroom walls.

    6. We have inexpensive long white tiles but had them installed stacked instead of running bond (see https://www.cletile.com/blogs/cle-notes/whiteworks-installation-explorations-as-a-design-element but DO NOT look at their tiles – too expensive) to make it more modern/interesting. Outside of the shower, the tile comes halfway up the wall, and we wallpapered in a bold pattern above that. I feel like that was a good compromise for adding drama on a tight budget and something that is easy to change to something bland if that is necessary to sell it later. One tip – Amazon has a lot of good open box deals on plumbing fixtures.

    7. We just redid our primary bath and didn’t want to go all white in the room, so we went with a light sage green subway tile with large grey hexagon floor tiles. Still fairly neutral but with a twist.

  10. Rant – we had water damage to our ground floor in April due to an ice storm. The issue itself was solved by an emergency plumber I called (and paid for). But there is damage to our walls and floor, which our insurance company is supposed to fix. The insurance-mandated contractor told us it would be done in August. The date keeps getting pushed back now it’s sometime in January. I’ve expressed my frustration to the insurance company and they always kind of shrug and say the quote needed to be updated and re-submitted, the designer is working on the kitchen, etc.
    Honestly I just wanted someone to fix the whole in my wall, replace the kitchen cabinet that was damaged, and maybe fix a bit of our floor. Now it’s ballooned into a mega project where we are getting a whole new kitchen, new hardwood floors, etc. We could afford to pay a guy to fix the hole in the wall, but we can’t afford all this work out of pocket. We might need to sell in the next year so it’s not a bad thing to get this done I guess, but I’m sick of living with holes in my wall and I’m worried about mold.
    Is there anything I can do here? My husband wants to sue the insurance, but honestly that seems like a massive hassle we won’t gain much from (and I’m a lawyer, albeit not an insurance litigator).

    1. It’s hard to offer much in the way of advice without knowing which state you’re in and what your policy says. And that could get pretty lengthy for a comment thread.

      That said, letters to your insurer that quote policy language and remind them of their duties of good faith and fair dealing (which still applies in a first party context) would be worth your while. Your concerns about mold developing while this project drags on are especially worth memorializing in communications with the insurer because your policy probably has an exclusion for mold, but that should not fall on your shoulders if the mold is caused because the insurer is being dilatory.

    2. Can you not just take a cash payment for the damage and apply it to your renovation? You’ll probably get less from insurance but it will be over in your timeline. That’s what we did when our house flooded.

  11. Is it too early to start sending holiday cards today, or should I wait til December 1?

    1. Nope, it will take a few days to arrive and the holiday season started last Friday.

      1. Yes, the holiday season is officially in full swing even though I refuse to put up decorations until December begins. Bah humbug.

        Signed, I have already performed in two holiday pops concerts whyyyyyyy

    2. Send them! I’ve already gotten three. I love all the cards I receive, but I feel like I can appreciate the early ones better…at the end they all come in a rush and may not even get put up on the wall

    3. If you have the energy and inclination now, do it! Because for me at least, waiting until Dec 1 could mean waiting until Feb 1.

    6. My 2 cents: any time between Thanksgiving and MLK Day works (the same time period I refuse to visit any mall).

  12. We installed a bluestone patio over the summer. Because of the way it was installed, the entire thing would turn into a pond when it rained, even the 2/3 of it that was covered by a roof. We asked that the mason fix it so the water wouldn’t all pool together. They fixed it so now the covered part stays dry when it rains and the other part is mostly fine but has one big puddle (about 10-15% of the patio). Is that to be expected, or are they typically banked so all the water runs off? I’m ok with it as is, although it does mean we’ll have to clean off puddles in spring/summer to avoid moss growing on it, so if its unusual to have big puddles, I’d like to know so we can have it corrected.

    1. Not an expert but I thought the water is supposed to be able to drain in between the polymeric sand in the cracks. Sounds like part of the patio might be sinking and that’s why it’s puddling. They can pull that part up, and add more sand, and/or small stones, under for drainage.

    2. They’re typically banked to allow runoff. Did your mason explain why the problem existed in the first place? Did they explain when they fixed it if there was some issue with your lot that made it impossible to fully drain?

    3. It should have been banked so that the water runs off. It is pretty common practice to have all landscaping and hardscapes slope away from the house so that water doesn’t run into the house.

    4. Get it fixed so you don’t have a standing puddle.

      Not only is it an inconvenience and an eyesore, stagnant standing water is a haven for mosquitos. Additionally, if you are in a place that sees cold weather, the expansion caused by frozen water will wreak havoc on stone and concrete and ultimately shorten their lifespan.

    5. It should be graded to avoid puddles and under the stone there should be sand and pebbles arranged for proper drainage. It sounds like the contractor did something wrong here

    6. That’s a bad install job. Our bluestone patio is graded so it does not pool in rain.

  13. I’m trying to decide whether to take a job offer and am torn. Help? Currently I’m a salaried partner at a large law firm. Pros of current job: incredibly flexible about when/where work, generally like the people I work with, $$$. Cons: it’s a law firm, so what you would expect-billing time, business development, hours (though my firm is not as insane as biglaw–I generally bill ~1850-1900, plus another 300ish nonbillable). I am also pretty specialized and feel like my skills have stagnated; I do litigation, but more “behind the scenes” that in court or depos etc. Job offer is for a federal job. Pros: more courtroom time, hopefully better hours (though it’s still litigation, so who knows). Cons: It would be a significant paycut (like half of what I’m making now), in-office all the time, and I’m concerned about less flexibility and the general unknowns of the position (it’s for a position in a new satellite office, so didn’t get a chance to talk to people I’d be working closest with, as they aren’t in place yet, and I have some concerns about the position long-term as they are hiring for specific litigation, even though it is a permanent position). The money is enough, but I probably not enough that I’d be able to retire too early, which is something I would like to do (because my dream job is… retired. I have hobbies I’d much rather be doing than working). Thoughts? Would especially like to hear from some fed employees about the flexibility question–do people have any or is it very much a “if you need to take 2 hours to run an errand in the middle of the day, use your PTO” (or is this supervisor-dependent).

    1. I am a litigator and I think you can do better than this job and it isn’t worth the downsides. My friends who are Feds have huge variability in daily flexibility, so if that matters to you it’s something you’ll need to ask about to know for sure. If you are a law firm partner there will be other opportunities that come up and between the pay cut and uncertainty it’s not clear that this is going to be a good job for you so I wouldn’t feel like this is a must-do.

    2. With the caveat that I know some federal attorney jobs are different, as an average GS employee there’s generally a lot of flexibility. Of course, most things are department, team, and manager dependent.

      The federal government offers a variety of scheduling options, and the maxi-flex is very popular because it offers a lot of flexibility (work 80 hours every pay period, but it’s mostly up to you and your supervisor how you manage to do so). For example, I have a colleague who works 9AM – 3PM and then 8PM – 10 PM. She drops her kids off at school, works, logs off at 3PM to pick them up and then logs back on after their bedtime. Other people work a 4-10 schedule with every Friday off or a 9-80 schedule with every other Friday off.

      Vacation is pretty generous, especially after the first 3 years, and can be rolled over for up to 240 hours. Sick leave is separate from vacation (which I love), is generous, and never expires. Most federal employees are eligible for over time and/or comp time (and depending on schedule, credit hours too).

      You mention early retirement, I don’t know how early you are hoping to retire but the federal government’s retirement system is pretty great. You get a pension (FERS), your TSP (the 401k equivalent), and social security. Additionally, if you’ve been on federal health insurance for at least 5 years prior to retirement you’re eligible to keep your insurance after you retire. This helps if you retire before you’re eligible for Medicare (or have dependents who will rely on your employer health insurance and aren’t eligible for Medicare after you retire). For example, my uncle retired from the federal government at 65 but my aunt was a SAHM and never reentered the work force. She’s only 62 but had no health insurance option of her own, so he was able to keep his health insurance from the feds and keep her on it. Also, their youngest daughter is 23 and in grad school full time, so she was able to stay on his coverage as well.

      Finally, I am not a lawyer so I don’t know what the impact of the current / impending economy may be on your practice, but one thing I value a lot about federal employment is the stability. I am leaving tech for the federal government, and it’s such a relief to transition to such a stable industry.

    3. Can you share some thoughts on your overall career goals? If I were you, I’d stay where I am because your current job sounds awesome to me, based on my current situation and goals. But if you WANT more courtroom time, it might be worth it to leave. I know lots of attorneys who left firms for public service because they want to be in the courtroom and it did nothing but good things for their careers ultimately, in spite of an initial pay cut.

      1. honestly? I don’t know and am not sure I really have any overarching career goals. Which is part of the problem, probably, but I’m one of those “there is no such thing as a dream job” people (and I graduated in the recession and have been very much “oh thank god I just have a job” without ever really having the chance to be picky about what I took before, so this is a new experience). I think I’d like more courtroom time, but it’s not like a “my life will be unfulfilled if I never first chair a trial” type thing. I’d like a better work-life balance, but based on what I’ve learned through the interview process, I have some skepticism it will be a whole lot better (it might be. it might not. some of it just depends on how the litigation unfolds). Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like?

    4. I am a federal attorney, formerly an AUSA and now managing litigation at another agency. I have tons of flexibility because my position is remote. Before at DOJ, they kept much closer tabs on me. I have so much vacation time I don’t know what to do with it so I am randomly off today to avoid losing it at the end of the year. I will likely max out my salary next year due to the cap on GS employees, but I am making almost double what my state employee husband makes. The downside is that the job isn’t very challenging and I get through my work so fast that I often have little to do. There is also a ton of bureaucracy and IT support is lacking.

      You applied to this job for a reason, so think hard about what you want and how to get it. It sounds like you wanted to trade flexibility/work life balance for $$$ at the firm, and this position is likely a good means to that end. Good luck with your decision!

    5. Hard pass. Litigation is still litigation and more courtroom time is more hours outside your control.

    7. I would consider the possibility of a change to a Trump II administration as part of your considerations. I have a friend who is a career litigator for DOJ, and Trump I was very difficult for her. Another question worth considering if the value of the benefit package. I work in government (not fed) and the cost of the benefit package is about 40% of salary. I will also have retiree health benefits to supplement Medicare. Those things add up and may make the salary cut less onerous than it appears.

    8. This is going to be so agency-specific. No longer a fed but when I was, there was minimal flexibility. There was no variation for a flex schedule or anything other than your assigned tour (8am to 5pm). You definitely had to take PTO for the midday 2 hour errands. Things loosened up during the height of the pandemic but have returned to pre-pandemic levels of inflexibility. But I have friends at other agencies who report differently.

    9. This is purely a financial perspective: if you are going to leave private practice to work for the government and a government salary, seriously consider how much money you need/want to have invested in your retirement bucket earning returns after you leave private practice and live off your government salary without being able to save as much anymore. I left private practice at 39 and wish I had waited until I had a little bit more to invest while I lived off my government salary. Now late 50s.

  14. I enjoy getting massages but am always disappointed afterwards by how quickly the benefits dissipate (a few hours later). Is there a style of massage that is more long lasting?

    1. When I had a lower back injury I had massages from RMTs that were more medicinal, like physical therapy, instead of relaxing. And they hurt!! But were very helpful. I went to a physical therapy/sports medicine clinic instead of a spa.

    2. “Deep tissue” was more impactful for me than “Swedish.” And even further on the spectrum, “Rolfing” (also called “structural integration”), done in a series of 10 sessions, felt like it lasted me years. Intense but effective.

    3. just a plug for restorative yoga! if you have a lot of aches and pains doing the work with restorative yoga really makes a huge difference for me. i like the app downdog (now “Yoga”) because you can choose time and a “booster” like neck stretches or hip openers, but i think you can find routines anywhere.

      1. Yes! I would also recommend getting the massage-like benefits from yoga. Helps me a lot.

    5. Depending on what you mean by “benefits”- on the days that I have a massage scheduled, I tried to make the most of that relaxed vibe. I will leave work early, enjoy a healthy lunch or have a decent dinner waiting for me, and plan on staying chill the rest of the day. Even the next day or two if I find myself stressing out, I tell myself “hey I just had a massage, so I’m not as stressed out as I usually am”

  15. My HS senior daughter is applying to one of the in state colleges. They offer a full scholarship with a specific “unweighted” HS GPA. Unweighted meaning it does not include the AP and Honors classes she took. Without those classes she has a lower GPA so does not qualify for the scholarship, but with those classes she has the GPA required to get the full scholarship.

    We did not know it did not include those classes and now I am so mad because she put in the work in those harder classes but will not get credit for it towards this scholarship so now it is going to cost me so much more money!

    Is this common? Would it be worth it to discuss with the FA/Scholarship office (I suspect not)?

    1. It’s definitely worth a call to the financial aid office. They may offer other similar scholarships based on ACT/SAT scores, honors programs, etc.

      1. Counterpoint: consider calling the admissions office, not the financial aid office. The admissions office has goals for admits and for yield (how many admitted applicants register and attend). They may have more discretionary authority to help your student.

    2. That’s not what unweighted means. You don’t pull out her good grades in hard classes entirely, you just factor in an A at 4.0 not 4.64 or whatever your school weights it at. Her school guidance counselor should be able to give her an unweighted GPA that includes all her classes.

      3. Sounds like she took AP classes but got lower grades in them to me, so her unweighted gpa isn’t that good.

        1. Right I think mom is saying daughter took harder AP Calculus, for instance, and got a B, which is 4 points on a 5 point scale, but she could have just taken easier regular Calculus and have attained an A, or 4 points on a 4 point scale.

          In a weighted scheme, these grades are the same, both 4 points.

          In an unweighted scheme, the B in AP Calc counts as 3 points.

    3. Point of clarification – did you not include those classes at all, or did you include them without the extra weight that is added to the grade because of its AP status?

    4. When you say the unweighted gpa doesn’t include the honors/ap classes, does it not include them at all, or does it just not calculate them at a higher level (like treating an A in AP English as a “5”, while an A in regular English is a “4”).

      The first would be unusual, and might be worth having your daughter check that she’s understood correctly; the second is very normal (typical definition of an unweighted gpa), and yes, a lot of schools use unweighted gpas for both scholarships and admissions

      1. I think the problem is that getting a B in an AP class is about the same amount of work as getting an A in a regular class, but it gets counted as a B (3 points) in an unweighted GPA.

        1. It depends. There’s often more generous grading in AP and honors classes (i.e., teachers give a larger percentage of As and a smaller percentage of Cs, Ds and Fs). I don’t think this is necessarily unfair, since the, say, 25th percentile kid in an AP class would likely be more like the 80th or 90th percentile kid in a regular class, but it means a B in an honors class shouldn’t always be interpreted as an A in a regular class.

    5. Can you talk to any adults at your kid’s school for their experiences with weighted GPAs and this school? I feel like the folklore is where it’s at (sadly) for specific states, state schools, and state programs.

      Like I live in State A and it’s widely known that a) it’s hard to get into State A flagship U from our high school in our city but B) it’s easy to get into State B (neighboring state)’s flagship U and they give decent merit aid that brings OOS tuition down to in-state tuition. So even though my oldest kid is only in 9th grade, that kid and a younger sibling already have a ton of feeling like State B State U is their school. Crazy, but I bet there are little secrets like that out there and it’s not too late to find the happy surprises and not the unhappy ones. Also, talk to your neighbors with slightly older kids and also teachers — someone has dealt with this before.

      1. I second the suggestion to look at out-of-state public schools, especially those that have honors programs and are trying to boost their rankings by enrolling out-of-state students with high GPAs and test scores. I was surprised to learn that the somewhat lower-ranked public schools will give in-state tuition rates and substantial scholarships to out-of-state students.

        If you are in one of the states with very highly ranked public schools (VA, CA, etc.) I wouldn’t assume that those options will be the easiest to get into or the most affordable. Many of these schools are chasing out-of-state tuition dollars.

        1. Not sure how the states with comparably ranked public universities handle it, but Virginia caps the percentage of out-of-state students UVA can accept. It’s easier to get in as an in-state student.

          And plus one more to everyone saying the OP should check on what unweighted GPA means in this instance.

    6. Definitely discuss it if you’re not sure you’re calculating it correctly. Or apply for the scholarship and let them calculate it for you and let you know the results.

    7. If she hadn’t taken weighted courses, would she even be admitted to the school? Most colleges want to see that the student took the most difficult courses available.

      1. Maybe for a few top tier public schools, but most state schools do not expect anywhere near all their admits to have “the most difficult courses available.” I work at a top 20 public university, and the average admitted student does not have many honors & AP classes. If you have good grades in a bunch of AP classes, you’re looking at significant merit scholarship & honors college admission.

        1. The original post sounds like OP’s daughter is looking at one of those top schools.

          1. Hmm, I didn’t get that impression. She just said “one of the in-state colleges,” which could be anything really.

          2. Also the statement I was replying to was “most colleges want to see that the student took the most difficult courses avialable” which is factually false, regardless of the specifics of OP’s situation. That is a statement about what is expected at very elite top tier schools, not “most” schools.

      2. This. At my kid’s school, there is an IB track that everyone does for 9th and 10th and those classes get a weight for difficulty (whereas gym and art do not unless IB art history). Then in 11th/12th, kids can opt out of IB and take a mix of AP, co-enrollment in community college (but those classes only seem to get credit for in-state State Us and then only for general ed requirements), or job-prep type classes and electives. Kids who want to go to “good” schools take IB or co-enrollment classes or AP classes, but the rub is that every IB-flagged class is weighted vs only specific AP or co-enrollment classes. The co-enrollment classes are often easy A virtual classes and IB is known for a ton of mandatory busy work that parents often do for their kid. So the co-enrollment classes are the most popular. But kids who want to go out of state or to private colleges know that they should take AP classes or IB. Don’t hate the player; hate the game.

        1. The parents doing “mandatory busy work” for their kids? In that instance, I think it is fine to hate the player AND the game.

    8. There are facebook pages for most state colleges where this questions will be answered in a nanosecond.

    9. God no to your last question. Do not be that parent. And bio any other impulses you have like that in the bus right now.

      1. Calling the financial aid office to clarify something like this isn’t being “that parent.” It’s fine. And I’m a professor who has a lot of crazy helicopter parent stories.

    10. I think it’s worth contacting someone, especially since there may be other scholarships she is eligible for since she took harder classes. Colleges want in-state students with good stats, so there may be other options for her to get a full scholarship.

  16. PSA for anyone who has been wanting the KAAI Pyramid tote: the brand is running a 20% off event, which pretty much never happens.

  17. Recommendations for low heels for the office for bunions. I’ve been wearing flats for WFH, now back in the office 3 days/week. One foot has a bunion. I’ve got narrowish heels, so wide shoes will just make my feet slide forward. I prefer almond toes over pointy. 1.5 inch would be perfect. Any thoughts on Everlane day heel? Need something where the vamp isn’t too constricting on the bunion foot.

    1. Everlane Day heel is not for bunions or any type of wide toe box–they run a full size small and they’re narrow and rigid, FYI.

    2. The Chloe Lauren shoes have a low vamp and are super soft, if you want to stalk a pair on sale.

    3. The Everlane day heel was such a disappointment. Adorable shoe. Hurt like heck, even when I went up a full size. I have a narrow heel and a wider toe box. Such a fun combination!

    4. Vivaia is made for bunions I think
      I’ve always liked Beautifeel and other shoes like that you can get at the Walking Company store. What city are you in? TipTop shoes in NYC is great.

    5. I’m in a similar boat: narrow heels that often lift out of shoes and a bunion on my left foot.

      Despite the pointy toe, I’ve always had good luck with Sam Edelman. The leather eventually stretches so that it’s not painful on my bunion and no heel flopping. They have a kitten heel (the Franci with a 1.4” heel) that’s currently on sale.

  18. Any recommendations for a home printer? Budget is ideally under $300. I want something that could print a 30 page document if needed, but I’ll primarily be printing smaller jobs while WFH.

      1. +1. I asked the same thing here a while back, got a Brother (the cheapest one) on the hive’s advice and am very pleased with it.

      2. Yes! The only home printer that hasn’t been a royal PITA is a Brother laser printer. I also love that I can print things off of my phone from it via Bluetooth.

      3. +2, my old job paid for a printer for WFH and this is the one I picked. Four years later and still going strong (and not expensive either, definitely under $300).

    2. I bought the wirecutter Brother laser jet. Black and white only, but I’m only ever printing documents so it doesn’t matter. Cheap, fast, ink lasts forever.

    4. I have a Cannon all-in-one and like it even more than the Brother it replaced. It has been in commission since pre-Covid times and survived a PhD dissertation. It is in your price range and the ability to copy and scan things is fantastic.

  19. Someone please remind me that is is normal to gain 3-5 lbs when you start your period and it is not from having too much pie over thanksgiving. Ughh.

    1. Nope nope nope! None of us are devoting any attention to 3-5 pounds. You don’t need to think about it, please don’t let’s start posting about it, life is too short for this nonsense.

      1. Agree. Rather than collapsing the thread this time, I want to add my voice to the chorus (that has only recently begun to grow) saying that you can choose not to worry about this and to focus on other things this holiday season. I wish trusted women in my life had said that to me when I was younger.

      1. Same…
        When this happens to me, it’s usually a combination of hormones + lots of extra salt lately. I try to go back to eating normally (read: lots of homecooked meals with vegetables).

    3. Totally normal. Take a deep breath, it’s only temporary. Drink lots of water, eat right, exercise as you normally do and get some sleep. Put the scale away for a week (or forever). You’ll be fine.

    4. Totally normal! I sometimes know my period is coming when my skirts and pants no longer fit properly in the waist.

    5. Yes, it’s normal to gain when you start your period *and* it is also normal to gain when you eat too much pie. Stop thinking about it and live your life.

  20. Tell me if this idea makes sense: I’ve been wanting to get a full slip for some time, and I’m thinking about getting the Quince silk slip dress to wear as a slip. Am I nuts? Washable silk seems nicer than nylon, and you can’t beat the price, especially today. What am I not thinking of?

    1. so weird becaues i didn’t see this and just below recommended the slip dress. i think that’s a great idea if you have use for a full length slip.

    2. I think fit would be an issue, a slip is a lot clingier than a dress and is designed to go under things.

    3. I think the reason lingerie slips are nylon or poly is durability. A slip is something you wear to provide “slip” between yourself and the garment but also to absorb sweat or odor during the day and keep your primary garment fresh. You’ll likely wash it every time you wear it, meaning it will have to stand up to much more of a beating than an occasion item. A silk slip is often not slippery enough to prevent static cling or provide the floating layer between clothing and body that a lingerie slip does, and it doesn’t have the structure–although modern slips are often very simple, more like a chemise than a slip so this may not apply.

      1. On this note, has anyone seen a store with normal, non-shape wear slips? I haven’t been able to find them in ages.

        2. How do you wear a loose slip under a dress without having it bunch or twist, or having it make you look bigger around the middle (because most I have seen in old ads and such are not really fitted at the waist)? I would think shapewear is superior in giving people – you know – an actual shape, instead of just smothering people in layers of loose synthetic fabrics. I vaguely remember my mom and grandmothers wearing slips on formal occasions, and they didn’t seem to enjoy the experience.

          1. I just wear it? I’ve never had a problem with wearing a slip that fits properly, skimming the body. If it’s too tight, I imagine it would ride up.

            Slips are great to prevent my dress from sticking to my tights. Also, they help me feel warmer.

          2. A properly fitting slip won’t ride or twist or make you look bigger in the middle. A properly fitting slip isn’t a loose layer, that’s a crinoline.
            I find wearing a slip makes the dress lay better and not stick to hose or underwear.

          3. Women wore girdles for giving shape, and slips to prevent dresses from being see-through and from clinging. Two different purposes.

        3. The only places I have seen old-school slips in a very long time are second hand stores. I miss when department stores had foundations departments. I recently went to a place asking about slips and the girls has no understamding of what a slip even was, lol.

        5. I like Simons. Their Miiyu line is lots of foundational garments and the nylon slips have lasted me weekly wearing and washing for a few years now. I didn’t like the “seamless” ones as much – the glue wore down for me.

    4. Static? I love silk but can only imagine the bunched up, clingy nightmare that would come out of trying to layer silk between a dress and tights in the winter.

    5. I think the straps should be adjustable on a slip, but if you like the silk slip dress go for it. When I first started dressing professionally, I bought a lot of my underpinnings at vintage and secondhand stores. Then (the late 80s) they had lots of things from the 1940s and earlier, so many of the slips I bought were woven bias-cut silk or rayon. Gorgeous. And they worked just fine!

    6. Silk is likely to cause static electricity. Which is not optimal as an underlayer.

  21. Virtual shopping request: looking for an outfit for “cocktail party” with friends. We are all parents of 2 or more kids, so it doesn’t have to be strictly cocktail, but would like something that looks sparkly/like I tried. I was thinking the Target satin pants with a great sweater, but it feels meh and I cannot find the sweater that makes it feel right. Size 16, busty and lumpy, prefer open neckline (scoop, v-neck). Would like to keep in under $200 if possible. TIA!

    1. I do not need such an outfit but if i did i would recommend a quince silk slip dress (you are going to cover the top, i promise) with a coordinating sweater. Comes in under $200 and goes to XL which i think it about a 16? i was debating ordering the navy but the burgundy might be more festive

      https://www.quince.com/women/silk-slip-dress?color=wine-tasting&gender=women&tracker=collection_page__women%2Fdresses__Midi%20Dresses__2
      and
      https://www.quince.com/women/cashmere/cashmere-crewneck-sweater?color=burgundy&gender=women&tracker=collection_page__women%2Fsweaters-%26-jackets%2Fcashmere-sweaters__Cashmere%20Sweaters__2

      1. On the flip side, I’ve used owning the fun clothes as an excuse to have more of these types of parties!

    3. I like satin pants & would pair with a black or (same color as pants) simple long sleeve T and sparkly necklace.
      A red lip is a highlighter to take the focus away from your busty self too.

      1. Satin is an unforgiving fabric. I’d feel better if I were in a satin top vs pants, so maybe fancy top and black pants (even black satin, will be more likely to look better than a lighter color like silver or gold).

    4. There are so many great sequin pants, skirts, dresses, tops, and blazers now. I’d probably do the sequin pants with a fun top (satin perhaps?) and fun shoes.

      I’d stay away from sweaters for this party.

    5. I have an outfit formula for parties like this. A tank top with some sequins, worn with a plain color open cardigan and dark wash jeans or wide leg pants depending on the formality of the event. It always works. I also have a couple of velvet tops I can switch in if we are not quite at sequin level, like if it’s an afternoon party.

      I have this look in dark almost navy blue (velvet top), burgundy (scattered sequins), and black (more sequins). I get a lot of use out of them this time of year.

  22. House buying help please…..

    house 1, needs alot of $$$ work roughly $200K~love love love the area.. . sales price per sq foot $400ish, small
    house 800 sq ft , big yard, no garage, 30 min commute to work, rural area

    house 2, needs a kitchen reno $45K, meh on the area. sales price per sq foot $275ish, medium house 1500 sq ft,
    great bones, very well maintained, no yard, but garage, suburban area
    50 min commute to work

    my instinct is to buy the area & fix the house, partner is mixed on the price per sq foot given the added cost of reno
    this would be my 4th house purchase in my lifetime, his 3rd. Its going to be our last house purchase.
    I am having trouble just being straight up with him, and saying yes, this is where I want to live, the $ will work out in the end (we have the $ for reno) and we will love it when it is fully done….
    help!

    1. I mean, a tiny house on a big lot is going to have an inflated price per sqft, so that’s not a wise stat to focus on in my opinion. More relevant: (1) is the price for the home an appropriate market price for the area, since a large portion of cost for desirable areas is lot value and (2) can you afford the home?

      Cutting 40 min/day (over 3 hours a week!) off your commute to me is a no-brainer.

    2. House 1 is the no brainer. You used the word love 3 times! If it’s truly your last house, don’t buy in a place you don’t “love love love”.

    3. I’d go with 1 or keep looking in the area you love. 800 sq feet is very small, I’d struggle in that space with my husband. If you can add on, maybe it’s okay. 2 doesn’t sound good at all.

    4. Idk why you’d be thinking in terms of price per foot. It’s not really relevant to the decision

      1. I agree. it’s also not a very meaningful metric unless the houses and area are quite similar.

    5. Let’s run the actual numbers: House 1 is $320,000 plus $200k of renovations, or $520k.

      House 2 is $412,500 plus $45k renovation, so about $460k. Larger home, definitely a bonus, but no yard and a garage (sounds like a townhouse with an attached garage).

      My questions:
      1. Can you both comfortably live in 800 sq ft?
      2. Will the House 1 renovation give you more space? Does it have a lot of storage (maybe a basement)?
      3. What is the commute for your partner in both locations?
      4. Which will hold its value better? If House 1 is in a nice town that is closer to a city despite being “rural,” like Weston MA, it will hold its value. It might not if its further away from work for most people.

    6. Location, location, location! Especially since the house in the area you love is ALSO the house with a much shorter commute.

    10. If this is your forever house I wouldn’t settle for 800 square feet and no garage. Ymmv of course but I’d keep looking.

      1. +1 same. My condo is 750 sq ft, and it’s tight. I can’t imagine living there forever.

      2. Yeah, I don’t need a ton of space but I definitely need more than 800 square feet if I’m living with another person. Maybe that’s why OP’s partner is balking? I would definitely balk at living in an 800 SF house with my husband, no matter how much I love him, and how enthusiastic he was about the home’s other features. I need elbow room and not to feel like I’m living on top of someone all the time.

  23. I’d like to replace all of the pillows in my house at the same time. We have maybe 10, including several for guests, but nothing is less than 12 years old. Pillows are not cheap and there’s a huge range of options. Does anyone have any recommendations on middle of the road pillows they like? What do I do with the old pillows? Throw one away with each trash load?

    1. In my area, no thrift stores will take pillows, so I had to throw my old ones away. I’m not sure if animal shelters might?

      I got someone a pillow for Christmas a few years ago (he asked for one!) and found that Target had a lot of reasonably priced options that were also comfortable.

    2. Take old pillows to your local animal shelter. Most shelters accept old pillows, blankets, and sheets to use for animal bedding.

    3. I have been happy with the down alternative gusseted pillows from Garnet Hill. Wait for a 25% off promo if they don’t have one running currently.

    4. I love my firm down pillows and they were quite pricey. I recently bought one of those shredded foam ones from the supermarket bedding aisle for a spare bed and was surprised how comfortable it was. No idea if it will hold up through years of use like my down ones, but it seemed much more robust than the cheap fiberfill one it replaced.

    5. If you like feather and down pillows, I recommend looking at IKEA and going with their mid or top-tier option, not the entry level version. I like the feather core surrounded by down as all down are too squishy for me (side sleeper). YMMV.

      1. We’ve been happy with the comfort and longevity of our IKEA pillows too. But agree, buy the more expensive ones.

    6. we use old pillows for the shams that match the duvet or whatever on beds
      when i buy new ones i try to put the date purchased on the tag
      i’d do Costco pillows for the win – i like their cooling pillows in particular.

    7. I recently got some Buffy Cloud pillows in their medium firm option, which I like, but would probably get firm next time. On sale today for under $30 per if you buy 4 or more at a time. They’re soft, cool, and fluffy, but I’d prefer a little more support for side sleeping.

  24. Ugh, I am majorly post-holiday grumpy today. What are y’all doing to cheer yourselves up (other than shopping sales, because I’ve already spent enough money lol)?

    I have a Pilates class booked this evening, I’m wearing my coziest sweater, and I’m diving into old Crime Junkie podcast episodes while I work.

    1. That all sounds lovely! I booked a yoga class tonight and am currently wrapped in a blanket sipping tea and burning a favorite candle while I work. It takes a while to get back into work mode after a break!

    2. Working from home in a fleece lined hoodie, still wearing slippers (no zooms today, not that they could see my feet.) On my third cup of excellent loose leaf Earl Grey tea, trying not to eat cookies from the cookie making party I hosted yesterday, though I admit I had one for breakfast.

      For anyone interested in sales – avert your eyes, OP – Flax is having a barn sale online today. I bought a table runner, a robe, and some linen totes/shopping bags in pretty colors to give as gifts.

  25. I’m intrigued by comments on the post above claiming there is no such thing as a dream job. Do most of you really think that? I’m in medicine and for me, my current job is truly my dream job.

    1. I would agree with that. My dream job would be not have a job because I’m independently wealthy.

      2. What would you do with your time if you were independantly wealthy? To me, a dream job is one where I am intellectually stimulated, autonomous, get to help people in a meaningful way, have support systems in place, have a combination of in office and out of office days, and interesting co-workers. As a defense attorney, I have had some of these things in several jobs along with a side of toxic office politics.

        1. I love volunteering in elementary schools, children’s hospitals and animal shelters. I do some now but would love to do a lot more. If I didn’t work, I’d probably volunteer 20-25 hours per week cumulatively (my kids are in school 30 hours) and then the rest of the time be at home with my family.

      1. +1. The older I get, the more I realize the dream is really having time to do the things I want to do, and be with the people I love as much as I want to be with them. My dreams do not include having a day job with a set, limited amount of PTO every year.

      2. I am wondering about the age and other demographics of those who would prefer not a work and who don’t get any satisfaction from work. Many women had all of their needs met in the past but still yearned for the right to go out of home and do some type of work for pay. I only know a handfull of SAHMs who seem truly fullfulled in caring for their family and in their chosen community involvement.

        1. I think “independently wealthy” is the key factor here. Many, if not most, SAHMs have some degree of financial anxiety. Even if the husband is mega wealthy, knowing that you’d be destitute if your husband left you can’t be easy.
          I absolutely get my life fulfillment from family, friends and volunteer work. My kids are in early elementary school and it’s actually shocked me how much I love volunteering in their schools, doing the PTA thing, leading their Scout troop, being the room mom, etc. All of it is way more fun and interesting to me than my day job. I haven’t and won’t quit because I don’t want to be financially dependent on my husband, but if I had independent wealth I would quit in a heartbeat and I’m sure I’d be much happier.
          (I also think ages of kids matter – I wouldn’t have wanted to stay home with little kids. That’s a hard job, much harder than most office jobs! But being a SAHM to kids who are in school for ~6 hours a day is very different.)

        2. Life is not static. Maybe it was fulfilling and enough to stay at home with toddlers who needed a lot from you, but 10 years later, things have changed. The kids are teens now, they know where the fridge is and they are keen to explore their personality independently from mom. That is a completely different landscape for a stay at home mom. And even if it weren’t, does she get to say ‘I’ve done this for 10 years, I am ready for a change’? I think we can give people leeway to change and evolve their preferences, and that includes SAHMs. Obviously returning to the workforce after several years is professionally challenging for business reasons, but I feel like it’s almost as often made into a moral gotcha.

          1. Agreed. There’s nothing wrong with doing different things in different stages of life.

    3. I think it depends on what you’re passionate about. I know a commercial airline pilot who is truly in his dream job because he’s obsessed with flying. If you’re passionate about medicine, then a dream job exists for you.

      I’m a writer, and there’s no way for me to just ~get a job~ as a novelist. Something like one half of one percent of novelists are actually making a living at it without a day job. So instead I have to have a normal office job, and there’s no office job I can imagine that would be a dream job.

    4. I agree that there’s no such thing. There are jobs that better fit my preferences than others – management style, work life balance, pay, etc – but ‘dream job’ implies some amount of passion that I just don’t rely on work to fulfill.

    5. I have unrealistic dream jobs and realistic dream jobs.

      Unrealistically, I’d either be independently wealthy and not work or I’d be a writer for Nat Geo.

      Realistically, I’ve had some jobs that come pretty dang close to dream jobs. To me, a dream job has good work-life balance (enough PTO, ability to take PTO, no expectation to work (or even look at my phone) after hours or on weekends, not stressful), fair compensation (pay, PTO, and benefits), have good coworkers and management, a good commute, reasonable expectations, and interesting / meaningful work.

      I just accepted a job that is in my niche area, pays better than I ever thought possible, with good PTO and benefits, and a 12 minute walk to work. I obviously don’t know if the day to day in this position or if management and coworkers will be the right fit for me yet, but a friend works there and we had a very frank conversation and the environment sounded supportive and positive. It’s a federal job, so in the event I have to work more than 40 hours a week, I would be compensated for that.

      Since I (unfortunately) have to work for a living, this seems like a decent tradeoff.

    6. I’m a lawyer. I applied for this job and it felt like a dream job. I made it to the final round and prayed daily for my dream job. I got it! And it is a dream. Great comp great benefits real vacation high quality cutting edge work fantastic colleagues. I just don’t usually brag about it to people saying there is no such thing as a dream job because I don’t really care to convince them and I feel bad they haven’t found one.

    7. I think there is such a thing as a dream job but it’s never going to be perfect. I was trained as a musician and a symphony orchestra position is very much a “dream” job in my world, even though everyone knows those come with significant downsides. It’s a dream job because there is no thrill that compares with live performance and it is great to have a steady paycheck and not to be constantly auditioning or hustling for gigs, even if there are contract squabbles and conductor egos and low pay and side gigs to contend with. Actually, I would argue that most “dream jobs” with exciting or satisfying work will have a higher-than-average annoyance quotient because that just comes with the territory.

    8. I don’t think there is a such thing as a dream job. I like my job a lot (appellate public defender) but there are always tradeoffs.

    9. I agree with it. I don’t think any job could bring me the fulfillment that family, friends and hobbies do, so I just want a job that pays me enough and won’t make me work too hard.

    10. I don’t think a dream job means that one is 100% happy with it. I think it means that the pain points do not outweigh the satisfaction that one finds in the job. I love my job, cannot imagine being as happy doing anything else, but there are definitely days when I want to stab my eye out with a fork. I have friends who definitely would let those pain points outweigh the good parts. I think it’s a matter of perspective.

    11. I don’t agree. I definitely have a vision of what my dream job would be and it’s informed by people I know who have it and the experiences they’ve shared with me.

    12. I had my dream job. I loved it and my coworkers and was making a real difference in my community daily. I left because the pay was far too low. Nice to do my dream but even nicer to be able to pay my bills.

    13. So while I would prefer very early retirement (I’m not even 30 yet), I really love my job. My eyes really do light up when I get to talk about it, I spend time reading about related topics at night, my friends and I in the industry enjoy meeting up and talking about current events, trends, and news related to our industry. We’re in a helping industry that’s hard to get in, so I think the people who are not passionate about it wash out. The work is exciting, interesting, and impactful. I know that the work I do helps people who need it. I enjoy probably 85% of my day to day work (even “dream jobs” have annoying admin tasks) and I can get through the other 15% of dull work because I can frame it as helping the greater good.

      That being said – 95% of the time I work 40 hours a week and no more. The other 5% is unavoidable in my line of work, but because I’ve always worked for the government I’ve been compensated (via OT or comp time) whenever I go over 40 hours a week. Also, the “other duties as assigned” that make me work over 40 hours a week are exciting, meaningful tasks so I don’t mind it too much.

      As a federal employee, I feel fairly compensated. I did a very quick 18 month stint in the private sector (and absolutely hated it), but when I came back to government I got a 20% raise. However, when I worked in local government I felt underpaid and overworked and that really impacted my job satisfaction. I also have good benefits (pension, 5% match on my retirement savings, comprehensive healthcare, discounts on the gym and travel, and excellent time off).

      I worked in the private sector once and hated it. Even though the work was fine and the management was mostly fine, I really struggled with my motivation and my “why”. Everyone is wired differently, but for me I learned I need to be in a public service role.

      Of course, the biggest factor in enjoying your job is your relationship with your supervisor and colleagues. I’ve had awesome jobs with a crappy boss, and overtime the frustration with the crappy boss had a bigger impact on me than the satisfaction from a fun job. The hard part is, of course, that we can’t control when good bosses leave or who they are replaced by…

      I have a large circle of family and friends and a very active social life and hobbies that I enjoy. I will always prefer time not working spent with family, friends, or doing activities I enjoy more than I will enjoy work. However, 40 hours a week is a large chunk of my waking hours and so its important for me to be doing something both enjoyable and meaningful during that time. I tried both the higher paying job that will allow me money to pursue my passions and the laid back 37.5 hour a week job that will allow me the time to pursue my passions, but with both situations I found that I need to be passionate about my job AND what I’m doing outside of work. I do not do well when I don’t feel good about the way I’m spending 8 hours a day M-F.

    14. Any job that isn’t self-employment can and will fire you, with no notice, if that’s what is best for the company. I could be a top performer, and all it takes is a merger or management change to be out the door. That’s why I can’t see a job as truly a dream job.

      1. Yep. You’re never indispensable to an employer, so it’s hard for me to feel that much loyalty to them.

  26. does anyone have containers they like to store cereal? ideally ones that are easy for kids to use/wont spill everywhere the second they are opened

    2. I use the cereal box plus a bag clip so they don’t get stale. The solution for kids not spilling everywhere is for you to do it for them. Source: my 16yo still spills cereal

    3. I just use binder clips on the plastic bag in the box. I cut off like a third of the plastic so the opening isn’t the entire width.

      1. This is how we used cereal growing up and I don’t recall regular spills by children or adults.

    4. A sibling has some tupperware brand containers with flip lids that they like, but the kids still spill. For me, I didn’t want the effort of moving the cereal to the container and then washing and storing the container between uses so I just had my kids clean up whatever they spilled until they got better at not spilling.

    5. I like the pop top containers from OXO. You could put a small scoop for dishing out cereal.

    6. we have the OXO ones with the flip tops and my 6 and 11 year old deal with them fine. The 4 year old not so much.
      A friend of our has the counter top kinds with the knobs that dispense. I don’t know how practical it is to give up that much counter space, but they sure do look cool and by all accounts his kids find them very easy to use.

  27. Honest question: How do you care less about your job? I care deeply about doing a good job, no matter what, and I know that my standards lead to a ton of work-related anxiety. I have plenty of hobbies and interests outside of work, so I don’t think it’s an issue of being too singularly focused. I always feel like I have to prove myself and my worth to the organization, and it’s exhausting. I do like what I do, but sometimes I want to bail because I can’t seem to relax.

    1. Right there with you. When I take extended time away, I feel like I can feel myself coming back to life and I get reacquainted with who I am outside of work. But once I’m in a stressful space with team dynamics, office politics, and lots of competing requests for my time, I can’t NOT be stressed. I have a good job and I don’t work crazy hours or anything. The problem is me (insert Taylor Swift voice)

      I try to take a five minute break every hour to completely disconnect and either meditate, read, go for a walk, or throw in a load of laundry when WFH, and all that helps a bit.

    2. Honestly, I think it’s hard to ” let go” when work is something we spend so much time and energy on! I know there are a lot of comments here about “it’s just a job, do what you have to do to get paid and then enjoy other parts of your life”, but I can’t apply that mindset to something I spend 40+ hours a week doing!

      You mention feeling the need to prove yourself and your work to the organization – do you work somewhere with frequent layoffs or in a place where those who aren’t top performers are laid off or ineligible for promotion? Could you find a position that allows you to coast a bit more so you’re neither gunning for promotion nor afraid of being laid off for coasting?

    3. Honestly, one way to do it is to imagine, see firsthand, or experience yourself the consequences of caring less. Do you have coworkers (or friends) who get by on less than high standards? Are they still employed and making a decent living? Maybe their boss think they’re a slacker, but they don’t actually care what their boss thinks because their opinion means nothing outside of the context of work? What about the work itself…if it’s not done 100% perfectly 100% on time, does it actually matter? In some lines of work it absolutely does matter, but in a lot of lines of work it doesn’t. I guess what I’m saying is that if the work you’re doing isn’t saving lives or otherwise meaningfully impactful to individuals, and the quality of the work could be 10+% less great without substantially impacting your job stability, it’s easier to find a way to care less. If you don’t care about the attaboys or the exceptional performance reviews, it’s easier to care less about the work itself. I personally cared a lot about the attaboys and performance reviews and getting the next promotion but found that they didn’t correspond to me being happy with my pay, which at the end was really what I cared about. I also reached a point where I was no longer interested in climbing the ladder because I didn’t like the responsibilities of the higher-up roles, so I dialed it back on the effort I spent in trying to take on more in my existing role to show I was ready for the next one.

    4. I was listening to a podcast recently that said if you’ve always been an overachiever, it’s totally fine to turn in B+ work. The difference between B+ and A+ is not really impactful for most things, and the energy spent to get to A+ won’t be worth it. It’s been extremely helpful for me to reframe – I’m still doing good work, just not my *best* work on every single thing and that’s okay. I still meet all my goals and have strong performance evaluations – I’m just not compromising sleep or hobbies or health.

    5. For me, caring less about my job happened after having a work crisis that was the result of political forces in the institution which were beyond my control. I was already burned out from doing an impossible job under difficult conditions and this forced me to downshift from a C-suite position. Now I am much happier, I don’t get stressed about work, I do a good job but leave it at the office because at the end of the day it’s just a job and I just work there. I don’t think I would have gotten to that point without the crisis. A book that might help which was recommended here is “Good Enough Job.”

    6. I stopped caring when my job started treating me like crap (undeservedly, imo). I don’t recommend that route though.

    7. I mean this is dark but I’ve been around long enough to watch colleagues leave and retire and pass away. They’re all remembered and missed as people but their work product just doesn’t really matter anymore.

      1. +1. This really hit me at a retirement party for a guy who had been at my company for 20+ years. This was the culmination of his entire career, and it included me who had known him just a few months. And it was just so clear in that moment that the organization would very quickly move on and he wouldn’t be personally remembered in any meaningful way. His job allowed him to provide for his family and hopefully brought him happiness and satisfaction, but in terms of “the company,” it was largely meaningless.

    8. Is it caring less about your job or caring less about winning approval from your employer or manager? Are you tying someone’s opinion about your job function to approval of you as a person? Because there are people who don’t value roles no matter who occupies them.

  28. I am, for whatever reason, very prone to canker sores. I have four right now, including one on my tongue that’s making it very painful to speak or eat. I get them nearly monthly.

    I do my best to prevent them (use SLS free toothpaste, take vitamin B12, try to avoid acidic foods and mouth injury) and to manage them when I have them (salt water rinse, milk of magnesia on the sores). I haven’t identified any triggers like PMS or foods that set them off. Luckily, they’re only really bad for a few days and then they’re manageable for the last few days. However, when they are bad they can be really, really bad.

    Today I’m really struggling with eating (I skipped breakfast and haven’t had lunch yet because its so painful). When you have canker sores, what do you recommend eating that doesn’t irritate them too much?

    Also, if anyone has any other tips about prevention or treatment I am all ears! I generally don’t care for the numbing gels and have not had success with the patches you put over the sores, but I would be willing to try again.

    I have also mentioned the sores to my doctor, dentist, and dietician and only the dietician seemed interested or concerned about them. I know that canker sores aren’t studied much and there’s not much medical information on them, but if anyone has recommendations or knowledge or advice I’m all ears!! I’ve been dealing with some other digestive / GI issues lately and I am always wondering if there’s any connection between the different symptoms I’m having.

    1. This sounds really miserable! For context, I never get canker sores. I don’t think this is something you should just suck up. I’m sorry your doctor and dentist didn’t take it seriously. I’ve been in your shoes, for other issues, frustrated when they blow me off.

      I would recommend getting a full exam and bloodwork done for the GI issues, which may include an endoscopy/colonoscopy (fun, I know!) The canker sores could be related, or not, but you don’t deserve to be dealing with all these things by yourself!

    2. have you tried allum? if memory serves it’s a spice you can put on canker sores that helps them heal faster (but can hurt a bit). i also have heard that licorice helps with canker sores, although i don’t know why.

      i used to get a ton of canker sores and then weirdly stopped getting them in my mid 30s – i’ve gotten only a handful in the past 10 years when i used to get a handful every quarter. i feel like there’s something contagious about them though because on the rare times i’ve gotten one someone else around me also had one. i’m trying to think about lifestyle changes since then… i do eat a ton of greek yogurt and drink a ton of water, which I maybe didn’t in younger years. maybe look into fermented stuff with active cultures?

      1. are you sure you have cankers and not herpes? maybe get tested? it’s incredibly common and if you have it you can take something daily that would limit outbreaks….

      2. Thanks – I will hit the store on my way home tonight to get some allum to try.

        I’m 30 so I’m holidng out hope that mine magically go away in a few years :)

        I’m a big water drinker and yogurt eater, but will try to be more mindful of yogurt consumption or other live cultures.

    3. I hope your doctor is checking for GI B12 malabsorption that might explain why B12 supplements aren’t working? (Testing for autoimmune atrophic gastritis, anti-parietal and anti-intrinsic factor antibodies, Celiac, IBD, etc.) For me the GI malabsorption absolutely was the issue and now I get B12 shots, but I’m probably an outlier. I’m so glad not to have to deal with these anymore though!

    4. Do you live in a rural area with well water? I am convinced (with no true evidence) that minerals/something in the water contributes. When I moved from a rural area to an area with city water the number of sores I got dropped drastically. Will the doctor prescribe “magic mouthwash’? It is a numbing mouthwash and can bring some relief. (It was my only relief when I had a canker sore get infected once and grew to the size of a dime.) Also, are there trigger foods for you? Even with city water, I have to be very mindful of any food with English walnuts personally as I’ve found them to be a trigger if I eat too many.

    5. Have you tried L-Lysine? It’s a supplement that has been used for decades for all manner of viral breakouts. Might not help; almost certainly will not hurt. But mostly, how frustrating that your HCPs are not interested in helping you connect the dots.

      1. I forgot about L-Lysine! I had tried it in the past and I don’t remember it helping too much but I will definitely try it again. As you said – it certainly won’t hurt!

        Yes – I’m very frustrated with my HCPs and am on a waiting list for a new PCP. I realize that the canker sores, periodontal disease, and gastritis could be totally independent issues, but they also may be related and would be worth looking into! I am pretty much always uncomfortable as a result of the gastritis, and my current PCP seems very, very apathetic about finding and treating the underlying cause.

    6. Thanks all! Some more info on the GI issues that I should have included on my original post!

      I had an endoscopy in September and was diagnosed with chronic gastritis and a hiatal hernia. Both my GI doctor and my PCP have been pretty unhelpful: after 3 follow ups I finally got a prescription to help manage my symptoms (it’s working a little but not totally effective). Neither seems interested in figuring out what’s causing the gastritis, which is annoying me.

      In the last 6 months I’ve been diagnosed with gastritis, hiatal hernia, and periodontal disease in my gums. This is all new, but the canker sores have been an issue my whole life.

      I was tested for celiac and h pylori and am negative for both. I’ve had a lot of bloodwork run over the past few months, but it’s all the standard metabolic panel. I haven’t had any bloodwork run to check vitamin levels or for allergies or conditions (other than celiac).

      At the dietician’s suggestion, I started on a multivitamin, fish oil, vitamin D, and vitamin B 12 supplements a few weeks ago, so maybe I’m not absorbing it or maybe it hasn’t been long enough to impact my levels yet.

      I wouldn’t be surprised if some sort of food intolerance or some other medical condition is causing both issues. I have been instructed by some that I don’t need to change my diet, and by others that I need to go on a full on anti-inflammatory diet. I haven’t been able to determine any triggers (food, stress, environmental, or others) that have impacted either my canker sores or my GI issues.

      1. Maybe it would be worth doing an elimination diet…create a menu that contains foods that are almost never allergans–like rice–and only eat that for a month. See if the canker sores stop. Might be worth a try.

      2. This sounds tough. I’m glad you’re trying to get in with a different PCP. Hopefully they are more helpful. Has your GI doc been helpful at all? I don’t know anything about gastritis, but can the hernia be contributing to it? Like if you had surgery for the hernia, could the gastritis improve?

        The only time in my life when I got canker sores was when I was working full time and also in grad school part time. It seems that stress can be a major factor in causing them, and it probably was for me. If you’re a type-A person or otherwise an overachiever like many of us, you’re likely under a lot more stress than you think you are.

        It probably can’t hurt to try an anti-inflammatory diet, though of course it’s not easy. Even if you’re able to cut out certain things like processed foods or added sugars, that could go a long way. If it’s in the budget, maybe it’s worth trying a couple of those meal delivery services for a couple weeks to see if eating “clean” makes a difference.

      3. I guess I am wondering what makes them think it’s not autoimmune gastritis? Were you negative for anti-parietal cell antibodies? Did they even check your stomach pH?

        I no longer have periodontal disease once getting all this sorted so I am almost hopeful for you that it’s something linked and treatable!

        1. This is a very helpful comment! I had never heard of autoimmune gastritis before! I don’t believe they checked for anti-parietal cell antibodies or my stomach pH!

          GI issues + periodontal disease seemed to crop up roughly the same time, and so I’ve suspected there’s a connection between the two of them, but every doctor / dentist I brought this up to dismissed it. Clearly my body is not reacting well to something!

      4. Have you ever considered if you have EDS? Canker sores, GI issues, hernias, and gum issues are all symptoms of it, though there are many types of EDS.

        1. Even for people who may have EDS, there should be a thorough workup since it’s such a risk factor for various comorbidities (just cautioning since I feel some doctors chalk everything up to EDS when there may be additional treatable conditions).

    7. I used to have very similar issues and it was horrible. I still get them but much less often now that I am post-menopausal (for me there was definitely a hormonal element). Now they are usually tied to some type of injury to my mouth. My completely non-medical advice based on my experience:

      Eat yogurt without any add-ins that need to be chewed.

      For prevention, I eat a lot of Tums to neutralize the acid in my mouth which seemed to help. Also, my dentist gave me a prescription mouthwash that helps cut down on how long they last. If I use it immediately when I feel one starting it can really prevent it from become a full-on open wound in my mouth.

      Good luck. I (literally) feel your pain.

    8. I get a lot of canker sores too. Got better by eliminating SLS, as you already have. Mine are very strongly correlated to specific foods, which I wasn’t able to identify until I was in college. In my case strawberries are the worst but sweets are also quite bad. Sweetened strawberry beverages like strawberry margaritas are the absolute worst. Good luck!

    9. Two things helped me:
      1. Continuous birth control. I used to always get them in the placebo week, now I just use the nuvaring constantly and get them much less often.
      2. Avoiding citrus, pineapple, and kiwis. Tomatoes and vinegar seem to be fine, so it’s not acid, but something more specific about those fruits that will trigger one within a day or two, but if I completely avoid them I almost never get a canker sore except one time last year when I ate a lot of chocolate (I’m not normally a big chocolate person). Your food triggers may vary, obviously.

      I find rinsing with hydrogen peroxide seems to help a bit with the pain and help them heal faster.

    10. Biotene toothpaste was a game changer for me. I felt like it didn’t hurt to brush and it seemed to actively reduce onset of more. Love that stuff. Other than that, they are horrible and for me the only way thru was thru. I seemed to get them affiliated with my menstrual cycle. With age, and perimenopause, they have stopped coming so bad.

    11. For treatment:
      I’ve had good luck placing a baby aspirin directly on top and letting it dissolve.

  29. I am very late to this party- but I need a webcam that makes me look good for video calls and haven’t used one other than the one on my computer ever. Any recs?

    1. Are you sure it’s not poor lighting? I got a cheap ring light that made me look much better. I think all the built in computer cameras are pretty decent.

    2. I got one similar to this https://www.amazon.com/Microphone-Wansview-Correction-Streaming-Conference/dp/B088D3VXC6/ref=dp_prsubs_sccl_1/139-0308303-9041751?pd_rd_w=Qr7Dy&content-id=amzn1.sym.22d70615-7a4e-4672-b6a1-6181b9d57bf2&pf_rd_p=22d70615-7a4e-4672-b6a1-6181b9d57bf2&pf_rd_r=43Y6JMSMMVK17CR49EK7&pd_rd_wg=WjLB7&pd_rd_r=95884bb4-f0b5-40aa-a95b-5525c000381b&pd_rd_i=B088D3VXC6&psc=1

      It’s much better than the built in laptop camera, at least the one in my laptop

  30. In search of trendy mid/high top sneakers that are both comfortable and I can wear to work (at a middle school, very casual) in winter. Ideally, I’d get a pair of Jordans, but all my students wear them and I don’t want to look like I’m trying to follow their style. I have Vans, but they read more summer to me.
    I wear sneakers every day and I have a good collection of regular sneakers, but really want high tops for some of my jeans. Thanks!

  31. I’m looking for a mid-thigh lightweight puffer coat that works for my pear-shaped body. Any suggestions? Thank you!

    1. Try one of the jackets from Athleta! I have one and like it quite a bit and it’s on sale today – super sale when you include Rakuten savings.

    3. Eddie Bauer. I have to open the zipper a little at the bottom, but they work for me.

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