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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Hotch Potch Ruffled Top

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This pink ruffled top from Boden by way of Nordstrom looks great for work and beyond. We've seen the almost Victorian look before with a lot of very filmy white blouses that are somewhat sheer, but I kind of like the pink better. This has a dainty, very feminine sort of look that's also kind of killer under a blazer. I'd pair this with navy or gray, and it would be great with a white blazer and gray pants, or if you wanted to add a bright yellow accent. Incidentally, note that Nordstrom has lots of Boden for women right now, which I think is fairly new — so if you haven't liked Boden's shipping, do give Nordstrom a try. The top is machine washable and comes in sizes 2–18 for $95. Hotch Potch Ruffled Top Two plus-size options are from Junarose and Elvi. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 12.13

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals on skincare including Charlotte Tilbury, Living Proof, Dyson, Shark Pro, and gift sets!
  • Ann Taylor – 50% off everything, including new arrivals (order via standard shipping for 12/23 expected delivery)
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 400+ styles starting at $19
  • J.Crew – Up to 60% off almost everything + free shipping (12/13 only)
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off everything and free shipping, no minimum
  • Macy's – $30 off every $150 beauty purchase on top brands
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
  • Talbots – 50% off entire purchase, and free shipping on $99+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

338 Comments

  1. Any advice on how Boden’s pants usually fit? There are some cute chinos on Clearance final sale that I’m eyeing, but I’m generally wary of getting pants I can’t try on in person since the cuts can be so different. I’m size 12, slightly pear shaped with thick thighs and calves.

    1. Their pants are cut for people with no hips. If that’s you, awesome. If not, avoid.

      1. I’ll offer a counter point – I have wide hips and a huge butt and I love them. I find them a little large, running closer to Old Navy sizing than say, Loft or Banana. My only complaint is that many do not have belt loops.

        I have several pairs of the Chino shorts and love them. I buy them in my dress size, not my pant size (I usually go up a size in pants because of the junk in the old trunk). They have a little stretch.

        1. I have hips but no butt, and I would say the Boden pants work well for that if you also have a small waist/hourglass shape. I agree with the commenter who said they match Old Navy sizing (like the Harper pants currently). I am smaller than a 10 in Old Navy, but not quite an 8, and I have the exact same problem with Boden. Hope they work better for you – they seem like nice quality.

    2. if you don’t mind my asking …. we have the same body shape/size! what are your fave brands? I’m always looking for new brands to expand my wardrobe…

      1. Honestly, I haven’t found a brand that works 100% of the time (and it sounds like Boden won’t be it either since I definitely have hips). I have pretty good luck with Brooks Brothers if I don’t do slim fit styles. All my other pants are a random mix of brands that I found browsing. And now I think of it, I really haven’t bought pants for a few years and I need to re-up my pant game! I’m thinking of going to try the Eileen Fisher crepe pants that everyone talks about.

      2. I may be a bit more of a pear, but I’m otherwise the same general configuration. I like Elie Tahari, Trina Turk, Brooks Brothers and NYDJ trousers.

    3. I just got some (Richmond) and they are awesome. I ordered 10L and 12L since I don’t know what my shape is anymore; I’m 5′ 9″ ~150 lbs and my hips are providing less shape than they used to since my stomach is providing more shape than it used to. The 10L fit and I am otherwise a 12 these days so I think they run a little large. They also run a little long, which is great if you, like I, constantly have your ankles exposed to the freezing cold air because it’s so hard to find long enough pants.

      It also helps that I hate belts.

  2. My former boss retired last summer. A new GC was hired and joined the office in January. We are a small legal department for a growing business and operate in a very niche area (think specialized tax arena). It has become clear to the lawyers that report to our new GC (including me), that he dramatically oversold his tax experience. It appears that he litigated a few matters that involved tax, but that’s about it.

    Our department is small and has a large amount of work. My colleagues and I are working over and above our prior hours (including when we were a lawyer down), just to keep the department from truly drowning. Our new boss has taken on two projects, one of which he farmed out to a consultant and the other of which he took three weeks to complete what my colleague could have done in two hours. He is creating work in that he wants to know everything that is going on but cannot follow the conversation (does not know basic terms and concepts), so it takes an hour and flow charts just to begin explaining.

    He is trying to reorganize our department but cannot follow the work that needs to be done. He is leaving key stake holders in the company off of communications and out of the loop because he does not understand the business. The final straw was that he asked me to do something blatantly unethical (communicate directly with a represented party on the subject matter of the representation).

    I am considering looking for another job but I work in a niche area, and I like my company. Any advice? Is this par for the course for in house?

    2. It sounds like he is desperately trying to learn the subject area. Despite the fact that he oversold his experience in the area, being a GC takes skills, experience and knowledge above and beyond subject matter expertise, which can be learned with time. I agree that two months is too soon to start looking for a job. Keep teaching him the subject area (maybe work with colleagues to put together a comprehensive overview so projects and meetings take less time), and see how he deals in the next 6 mths or so. You may also find a way to work around him, plenty of people work around bad bosses.

      However, the unethical request is another thing; that is clearly against the rules of ethics for lawyers generally and he should know better. That brings into question his judgment. Just refuse the request stating plainly that it is against the ethics for the state bar (quoting the rule if you’d like) so you can’t do it, point blank. You cannot and should not have a bar reprimand because of a command you know is wrong.

    3. You have an opportunity here to step up and be his deputy. Volunteer to help him get to know your corporate culture (who to send those emails to) and help him with terminology and subject matter. You can reframe this as an opportunity to shine.

      2. I agree with this completely. I’ve had three GCs in my three years in-house, and you should think of this as an opportunity to build a relationship with this GC. It’s better for you if he trusts you and sees you as someone that can help him. People hired him for a reason, so act like you assume he’s going to be your boss for a while.

    4. They hired him for a reason and it probably actually wasn’t his subject matter expertise. I think you need to just deal with this transition.

      1. I don’t know if anyone will read this late in the day, but +1000. I was hired to be a manager of attorneys in a field I knew zero about. My deputy attorney has been training me very patiently and I will forever be grateful to him.

  3. All, please have a look at today’s Google Doodle, themed for today. Comic shorts that will rip your heart apart and fuse the pieces at the same time with love and warmth.

    And please let us know what you think of the doodle! My favourite was the South Indian fisherwoman and her two kids, and the triptych by the Japanese artist about the passage of time. Oh, the tears!

    1. I teared up at the Indian fisherwoman one too. How much toil, sweat, and hard work she does to care for her children, and how much love she has for them.

    2. I haven’t watched all of them yet, but it made me happy and hope to watch the rest later.

  4. How important is a 30th birthday celebration? I was invited to attend an acquaintance’s birthday celebration but it’s the same night as my grandmother’s bird at dinner. So I declined my friends party and she replied saying “but I only turn 30 once, you grandma will have next year.” I’m not sure why but this struck me as rude as with all aging parents and grandparents, time is more limited. We’re not particularly close so I’m not inclined to go even if I didn’t have plans beforehand but maybe I’m just missing the importance of a 30th birthday.

    1. Since it’s an acquaintance and not a friend, I would have zero guilt about not attending.

      If it were a friend, I would think twice IF this is someone who has attended events for you in the past like bridal shower, engagement party, bach party, wedding, or baby shower. In that case, and assuming you had not attended those types of events for her, I would attend the 30th birthday party (or try to work out a solution so you could go to both events the same night).

      1. Yes this is a very good point.

        Also just generally maybe say no you can’t make it without explaining and justifying.

      2. I might have tried to balance the two events until she said something rude about your grandma having another year. Her feelings might have been hurt, but that was an unkind retort.

    2. It struck you as rude because it was 100% rude. Sure, 30 is a milestone for some people, but no one should expect you to drop existing family plans for a party, especially an acquaintance you’re not close to. It would bum me out if you were my best friend, but this person is just awful.

    3. It struck you as rude because it was 100% rude. Sure, 30 is a milestone for some people, but no one should expect you to drop existing family plans for a party, especially an acquaintance you’re not close to. It would bum me out if you were my best friend, but this person is just awful.

      1. Yeah, it’s 100% rude and she should ignore. But seriously this isn’t a millennial problem. It’s a self involved rude person problem. Let’s not hate on millennials unnecessarily. I’m 30 fwiw. I would never behave this way nor do I know anyone who would.

        1. +1000 I’m 30 and literally spent my birthday alone doing something I loved with zero regrets. A woman in her 50s just freaked out in my office because they’re going to quarterly birthday celebrations instead of individual celebrations. This is not a millennial thing.

      3. I’m always amused by “millennials ruining the world” comments. Millenials are d*mn near 40 guys.

        1. Haven’t you guys learned yet that the older generations always give the younger generation a harder time? It has been that way… always. And it’s about time to come up with a new name for the 20-somethings.

          Signed,
          Generation X-er

          and the Baby boomers etc.. said these same sort of things about us when we were young adults.

          Don’t take it personally. There is always some inexperience/self-centeredness of many young people, and judgmental/forgetting the past/conservatism of older people. In general.

          1. “Times are bad. Children do not respect their parents, and everyone is writing a book.” ~Cicero

    4. That’s rude. Is it possible you view her as an acquaintance but she views you as a close friend?

      1. No, we speak once every few months and it’s mainly in a group chat with her BF (who I went to college with, I met her later).

    5. I never type this- but LOL WHAT?

      I mean, if you’re not super close to grandma, and she’s healthy, and this is your BFF’s grand bash that she’s planned for months, I’m sure grandma would be fine with a brunch the same day or the next. My grandma gets a card and a phone call (we live a ways away and her birthday is near Easter when we do see her) and she’s 90.

      My best friend gets a call, maybe flowers or a card on a milestone bday. If friends throw bday parties and I’m around, I go and celebrate! But it’s not a wedding or shower.

      1. I actually think a 30th Birthday is as important as a shower. And still you can just RSVP no because you are washing you hair.

        1. Really?

          In that case, I still think that Gran can call that bet and raise it since she’s likely a *multiple* of 60 (and that is your preference and you don’t need to explain in any event (nor should you)).

          FWIW, not all Grans get a next year.

          1. Yes really. And just like it’s completely fine to miss a 30th Birthday because of your grandmother or because you don’t want to, it’s completely fine to miss a shower because of your grandmother or because you don’t want to.

        2. What? How old are you?

          Unless you are still a child….get over it.

          If 30 is a big deal, what is 40? 50? Are you SERIOUS?!?!

          1. Yes I am. I seriously think a 30th Birthday is as important as a shower. And I think it’s totally fine to rsvp no to either one for any reason you want. Your anger is way out of proportion to what I’m saying.

          2. I think the point is a wedding/baby shower isn’t really that important and neither is a 30th birthday party. So they are on par with each other, in that neither are super important to attend.

          3. I disagree with a 30th birthday being as important as a shower. Most women (ideally) only have one wedding shower in their life – if at all – and one baby shower (unless you are a gift grabber….) – if at all. There are lots and lots of “milestone” birthdays. And every human being has a birthday every year and milestone birthdays…. all the frigging time.

            I’m all for any excuse for a party. But come on kids…..

            Signed,
            A single childless woman who has flown to all of your weddings and gotten you wedding gifts and gifts for bridal showers, engagement parties, bridesmaids dresses, baby showers, baby and young children birthdays and now grown adult women want to guilt me into the importance of a 30th birthday party?

            Sad…

            And I hope you threw your single childless woman friend a HUGE bash on her 30th and gave her a present with as much value as what she spent on your weddings/showers/baby parties/birthdays for you!

          4. Uhhhh the opposite? I think a 30th Birthday is as important as a shower in part because not everyone gets a shower? And that if someone has shown up for you for lots of things you should try to make her birthday if you can?

    6. Nope. Birthdays are only important to most people before 21 and after 75. People will make an effort to show up to those – particularly milestones (1,10, 16, 18, 80, etc) – and sometimes a 40th bday for the whole “you’re middle aged and OLD” theme. Any others are only important to the birthday person and their mother.

      But I am An Old and am way over all this “it’s my birthday month!” from people who are in their 20s and 30s, and just want to shout for them to grow up and get off my lawn. YMMV.

      1. A 30th Birthday is a milestone and lots of people care about it. This girl was rude but it’s not weird or abnormal for a 30th to be a big deal.

        1. I totally agree (and I am an old).

          30 was a big deal to me and I threw myself a huge party…but I would not have guilted an acquaintance about it.

          1. My 30th birthday was a big nothing. My 40th birthday was an awesome catered karaoke party. The only real birthday part I’ve ever had an it was totally worth it. For 50, I went to Austria and Germany with a friend. No party.

          3. 30th birthdays are a Millenial thing. I’m gen x. I don’t recall a single 30th birthday bash. Lots of 40th though.

          4. Solid Xer, old, threw myself a 30th and 40th (mostly because I was single both times and wanted to celebrate something other than a wedding it baby), my crew likes parties so I was hardly the only one, but I’d never guilt someone into going or not going to my parties. That’s nuts. If OP had the convo over text, I might assume good intentions and a bad joke.

          5. 30th birthday parties are not a millenial thing. I am a millenial, and I remember my parents’ 30th birthday parties, as well as those of their friends. I think 30th bdays are a big deal because by 30, many people have settled down and have their ducks in a row, so they are celebrating with their village.

            If anything, millenials are less likely to be in a position to celebrate their 30th birthday with people who will still be in their lives by the time 40 or 50 roles along.

        2. Disagree. I know no one that had a big deal done for their 30th. It’s weird to have a party big enough to invite acquiantances for your 30th.

          1. No it isn’t. Maybe your friends just aren’t fun or something but tons of people have 30th birthday parties.

          2. Don’t you like to have fun and celebrate with your friends? I get equally excited about my friends’ birthdays as I do for mine. I went to Disney World for my 30th and it was amazing. Haters gonna hate.

          3. If you never invite acquaintances to things then how do they become friends? I’ve had plenty of parties at my house that I invite acquaintances to; sometimes the parties are for a reason and sometimes it’s just because it’s Friday. So, what, I can invite everyone under the sun to my just-because-it’s-Friday parties but not to my birthday? That seems so strange and backwards.

          4. Ditto! I always invite acquaintances to parties! That’s how you make them friends!

          5. There’s a difference between getting together for a dinner party or a dinner out with 8-10ish close friends. Hosting at adult birthday part at age 30 is a little too VPR.

          8. VPR = Vanderpump Rules – as in you have nothing going on in your life so you throw yourself a party to create a story line.

          10. I threw myself a party for my last birthday because I realized that at my birthday dinner the previous year, I only got to really talk to the people sitting right next to and across from me and barely got to talk to the other half of the table all night. Throwing a party allowed me to be able to hang out with everyone, allowed people who had a conflict earlier in the evening to be able to show up after, plus I have a fair amount of friends with pretty limited budgets so this way they could come hang out with everyone without having to spend money on a nice dinner. Plus I love entertaining and hosting parties. It wasn’t about “I’m so important, look at me, it’s my non-milestone 30-something birthday”, it was about celebrating in the way that I could spend the most quality time with my guests and take into account what I liked as well as be sensitive to their life circumstances (which is why I wouldn’t have thought anything of it if a friend went to her grandma’s birthday instead!). I also specified no gifts and specified two charities people could contribute to if they wanted to “get” me something. Very VPR of me, I suppose.

    7. Birthday parties for adults are just for fun. They are not important unless the birthday person is old (so grandma’s celebration is important) or the birthday party also functions as a family reunion (which grandma’s dinner probably also does).

      Your friend is rude and self-centered. Not just because grandma’s party trumps hers, but also because she’s asking you to cancel existing plans.

      1. I’d also add that if someone had a life-threatening illness, or has a terminal one, it’s reasonable to place a lot of importance on birthdays because they honestly weren’t sure they’d make it to that age.

    8. As someone who doesn’t even bother taking the day off on my birthday, but who *is* close to my family:
      1. That is very rude, especially from someone you’re not even that close to.
      2. Aging grandparents literally may not have next year, and every year past, say, 80 is something to be celebrated and honored. I know it meant so much to my grandfather when my sister could make it back home – from the country she was working in at the time – to celebrate his 96th. He passed away 3 months later.
      3. If and only if this friend has attended similar milestone events of yours, figure out some sort of compromise. Send champagne! Take her out for a drink. Maybe your family goes to bed at 10, meet the friend group at the after party at 11.

      1. This. Every year past 80 is way more important than 30.

        Adults who do big birthday parties for themselves at 25/30/35/40 are generally self centered – or maybe I’m just biased by my MIL who insists we do a family vacation for her birthday every five years. Adult birthday parties big enough where acquiantances are invited are maybe for 50th, 65th, and 80th/90th+

        1. I think you are biased and also rude and unfun. There is nothing wrong with throwing a 30th Birthday party. It’s common.

          1. Right – there’s nothing wrong with having a birthday party as an adult. The wrong part is insisting people show up because it’s more important than the other things going on in their life. You invite who ever you want, but you take declines gracefully. Because not everyone else views it with the same importance you do as the birthday person.

        2. I disagree- I don’t have an issue at all with people that throw themselves parties. I just take issue with making it An Event I Will Be Upset That You Miss (even with good reason). But I see a 30th as equally party worthy as 32, 37, etc.

          2. +1000. I have no issue with an adult throwing a birthday party. I threw a party for DH’s 30th birthday. It was just a house party with about 30 people, who included friends and family and acquaintances who became better friends later because we invited them to stuff. We grilled burgers and provided beer and wine and a couple of pitchers of cocktails.

            I do have an issue with trying to make someone feel guilty about not attending a birthday party, no matter what age. “I have a conflict” is a good enough explanation, whether it’s a 3-year-old or 30-year-old or 90-year-old.

            I also don’t like adults inviting people out for their own birthdays and then asking other people to split the tab and pay for them. If you throw a party, you host, which means you pay.

      2. Do people take the day off for their birthday? I feel a little sheepish even telling the partners I’m going to be out of pocket for a few hours on a Friday night for dinner… and no I can’t just cancel or show up late because everyone is there for me because it’s my bday.

        1. My birthday is always over a holiday weekend so I tend to take the Friday off to make it a 4 day weekend. I love it! But I’m not an important fancy lawyer.

          1. I do the same. It just happens to be six months opposite our summer vacation so we take a long weekend with my birthday as the excuse but mainly because we need a weekend away.

        2. It was a big deal to the hiring people when I went to work at Jamesway (sort of a Wal*mart but not as nice). I was in college and my birthday was during the school year and it seemed to matter a lot to the career people that they could have their birthday off.

          If I said that at BigLaw, I’d get laughed out of the partnership. This year, I think I worked and ordered in from my favorite place since I was there late. I celebrate on the weekends anyway.

          It’s like if I did real estate closings and my birthday was on the 30th, I’d expect to be working if my birthday was during the workweek.

          1. LOL @ laughed out of partnership. Accurate. It always makes me laugh when people ask if I’m going to take my birthday off. No…. because then I’ll just have double the work the next day? I’m an attorney- it’s not like shift work where you only have to do it if you’re there….

            Honestly how much fun would it even be to lounge around at home, spa day, whatever, constantly checking emails and dealing with stuff that comes up?

        3. I typically take the day off for my birthday (or the Friday prior, if on a weekend). But, I work for state government and we have an annual Personal Day to use as we please, along with a fairly flexible leave policy. Thank God.

        4. I never work on my birthday. I have the vacation/leave, so why not use it then. Plus I want one day a year when I don’t have to be nice to people I don’t like and go through metal detectors. Having said that, I just take the day off without telling other people why.

        5. Both DH and I have a paid day of birthday leave, which is use-it-or-lose-it within a week or so on either side of your birthday. Different local governments. It’s a nice perk, but I think most people use it to arrange a long weekend, rather than on their actual birthday.

          1. You are lucky b/c you can take off and do stuff together on your birthday’s! YAY for Government, and YAY for being MARRIED!

            I would do this and work for government If I could. I had a shot at a government job, but they did NOT make me an offer, because the head lawyer in the DC office wanted to date me but I did NOT think it would work b/c how could you work with someone who let you see them w/o your clotheing on at night? He took it VERY personally and then did NOT even give me a job offer! FOOEY on him!

        6. I do, and my mom does, which inspired me to do the same. But I have a job that I can take time away from without causing a huge inconvenience for everyone, so that helps. My time off is my benefit to use in whatever way I want.

        7. I never have. I’m a lawyer. I just celebrate on the weekend. I only want my husband to make a big deal out of my birthday, and we usually just go out to dinner.

          My son’s birthday is one day after mine. This year his birthday party will be on my birthday because that’s when the venue was available. For my birthday, DH and I will probably just go out to dinner that night.

    9. Could she have been kidding? I might say something along these lines sarcastically, in a, obvi your grandma is more important than my 30th kinda way but lol what if I actually got pissed bc I was a self important d@$che, wouldn’t that be hilarious?

    10. I think anyone who replies like that just confirmed you made the right decision. I do think sometimes people attach importance to certain milestones that we may not realize. I had a close friend get mad at me for missing her son’s third bday because I was away when I also missed the first and second because I was not invited to do anything, but the 3rd was more culturally significant and she was going through a lot at that point generally. She was a good friend and we got past it. If your friend is meant to be in your life, you will too.

    11. It is rude her to follow up in any way other than “Sorry we’ll miss you, see you next time” to your polite decline of her invitation. You are allowed to say no. Doesn’t matter if it’s your BFF or the lady three offices down who you’ve talked to once.

      1. This. It is extremely rude to push back when someone declines an invitation. No matter who you are or what the relationship is or what the event is. It’s not about whether birthdays are important or not, it’s that people have the right to decide not to attend your event and you cannot challenge that.

        Sure, for a close friend and an important event, I would offer an explanation of why I couldn’t attend – but no matter what that explanation is, the friend should never say anything other than, “Oh, we’ll miss you! Have fun!”

        2. Yes. Let’s not generalize generationally. If someone doesn’t want to go to your party, why the f would you want them there??

          1. Right! Focus on the awesome people who do want to be there, and are making your party a priority! Being so hung up on those who aren’t coming that you forget to appreciate those who are, can make your attendees feel pretty crummy.

      2. Absolutely this, I was about to say the same thing! It’s super rude and self-centered to act like your event is more important, or get all huffy and put off when someone says they can’t go because they’ve already committed to going somewhere else.

        I like birthdays, I like celebrating my birthday and other people’s birthdays! It’s fun! There’s cake, good food, and lots of cool people! But you don’t act like your birthday celebration needs to be everyone’s top priority, regardless of how old you’re turning.

      3. Every time the question of whether to go to a wedding comes up around here, someone says, “An invitation is not a summons.” That’s 100% true, and nobody is disputing whether a wedding is important.

    12. “but I only turn 30 once, you grandma will have next year.”

      Will Grandma have next year? I lost two grandparents in the past year, some maybe this rubs me the wrong way, but there isn’t always “next year” for grandparents.

      2. I agree. And even if Grandma is healthy today, that doesn’t mean she will still be here next year. Health can change fast, especially when we get to a certain age.

    13. I spent my 30th on my own, due to a work trip – it didn’t seem like that big of a deal to me! I sadly don’t have my grandmothers any more, and would definitely have prioritised them.

    14. I think it’s less about why she asked–it could have been a birthday, a shower, a play she’s in, whatever–and more about her reaction. Her reaction was rude and uncalled for. Full stop. Does not matter what the ask was for.

      It’s hard to separate the two, I think, and yes they may be linked (esp. with ref to your last line about the importance), but let’s not turn it into a referendum on adult birthday parties. That seems just as asinine.

      Go have fun with Grandma, ignore your friend for a minute. She’s probably embarrassed, and she’ll get over it. And if she doesn’t? Well, that tells you a lot.

      1. “but let’s not turn it into a referendum on adult birthday parties”

        I agree! Celebrating your birthday is fun, I’d never try to take that away from someone. But I think a lot of people here are turned off from it because they’ve had at least one adult friend or family member take things too far, and expected to be queen of the world and threw a fit when it didn’t happen.

        2. Sure, I’m with you and them on that point, for sure. But it’s not about adult birthday parties, it’s about people being entitled brats and reacting poorly when they don’t get their way. I think we’ve all gotten this bit from brides, bridesmaids, mothers of brides (showers, bach parties, weddings), expectant parents/grandparents (showers, gender reveals, 1st birthdays, Communions), co-workers (mlm parties, out of work social events), etc.

          1. True, but I wonder if some people are more tolerant of it when it comes from brides (more tolerant, not completely tolerant, just more) or expectant mothers, because getting married or having a child is, to some, a bigger deal than “just” having a birthday. And I think some people also hate things like weddings and showers because of the self-centered brides and expectant mothers they’ve dealt with. Or they just scoff at any occasion where a woman wants to be celebrated, especially if gifts are traditionally involved, because how dare she?

            Sorry, that was unfair I guess, but I’m tired of all the snark women get for doing totally normal things. I’m tired of baby snark, shower snark, wedding snark, birthday snark, maybe sometimes it’s deserved but I’d say most of the time it’s completely unnecessary and reeks of bitterness.

    15. Adults who make a huge deal out of their birthdays are odd to me. I get having a party, but guilting someone because they can’t attend? That’s on par with with the people who talk about “birthday months,” tell anyone in earshot that it’s their birthday (including cashiers and clients and the like), and refuse to do their usual chores and responsibilities on the actual day.

      I have never passed on the opportunity to celebrate a holiday or occasion with elderly relatives and I absolutely don’t regret it. There have now been three instances where if I hadn’t gone to see them on that day, I wouldn’t have seen them again before they died. Go with your grandma instead of your acquaintance.

      1. Sometimes I have a party for my birthday and sometimes I don’t. Parties are fun, but sometimes I can’t be bothered.

        I do not get the “birthday month” thing though. Like when did that become a thing? I feel like I only started hearing the term recently.

      2. Birthday months do have value in that some places offer discounts then. But telling everyone about it is a bit much.

    16. Thank you for all the replies! I feel much better about my decision. To clarify, I’m not close with this person although she attended my wedding as a +1 (I went to college with her BF) three years ago. I have not seen her in person since then and we only speak to each other in a group chat.

      1. Oh my goodness. Well honestly I’m surprised you would have even considered going. I don’t think I would bother going to a 30th b-day and buying a gift for someone I haven’t felt a need to see for 3 years even though we lived in the same city. That sounds like a gift grab on her part.

        1. Who said anything about gifts? I go to lots of adult bday parties and no one ever brings a gift. Let’s not call people gift grabby just for extending an invitation.

    17. There’s no stated “this level of importance” to birthdays, but your friend is telling you she thinks it’s important. Assuming you meant your grandmother’s birthday? I think you have the right here to attend whichever event you want, and unfortunately you have to deal with the consequences of missing either one. (Sometimes I think about which consequences I’d want to face less – would my grandmother be more upset or my friend, and which relationship will fray over it, and do I want to be friends with someone who gets super mad about me missing a birthday party that I don’t want to attend.)

    18. Haha, I spent my 30th birthday working (and was perfectly fine with it). I would give anything to spend more time with my grandmother, who has passed away.

  5. Happy International Women’s Day!! When I think of all the injustices that women face globally just for being female, I want to hide under a pillow, but there are countless women out there who are truly striving to make the world a better place against all the odds. They deserve our attention and recognition today.

  6. How meticulously did you plan your lives out?? Growing up I always assumed I would “have things figured out”career-wise and start a family at 30 (arbitrary, I know) but now that looks more like 35+ due to a slight career change/desire to go back to school in a couple of years (I’m 28 now). Did you guys feel like you needed to have things “figured out” before starting a family in terms of a age, salary, savings, career milestones? Or did you just go for it?

    1. Lol you’re not grown up until you realize that life doesn’t work like this and you can’t plan it all out.

      1. +1

        I laughed too when I read your post and thought… “she’s so young!”

        Enjoy. And try to relax a little and make sure you are not letting life pass you by.

      3. JFC stop telling people they’re too young or not grown up. I get your sentiment about not being able to plan your life, but don’t tell people they’re *so young lol.* It’s rude and ageist. And yes, I’m in a huff because of the above thread.

    2. Here’s what you will quickly discover in the next few years: life never goes as planned. (If you’re religious, this sums it up nicely: “If you want to give God a chuckle, make a plan.”) Things don’t happen in order.

      I graduated from college dreaming of X career – got into it and decided I didn’t like it, so I went back to school and only last year, at 35, ended up in the “dream job” that’s been perfect for me all along.

      I got married at 24…and got divorced at 31. I’m getting married for the second time next month.

      We grow up with this idea that life needs to be this linear sequence that you see in books and movies. It just doesn’t happen that way. It doesn’t mean it’s not wonderful and exciting and bittersweet – it’s just not linear.

    3. I went back to school at 27, had a baby at 30, and graduated at 32. I had a classmate who was a couple of years older and had her second kid during the program. You do not have to wait until your career is established to start a family. You just have to be super motivated and have a lot of endurance to have kids while in grad school.

      1. Yes, I had my baby in law school and it was one of the few really good decisions I made when I was young.

        1. Me, too. Had my only child (planned) smack in the middle of my graduate program. Was one of the smartest thing I did. Lots of flexibility and while poor, didn’t really matter as DH and I were both students and were able to juggle to avoid childcare expenses for most of the first year.

    4. You can’t really plan your life like that. If you want to go back to school, why wait? If you want to start a family, your spouse could weigh in on the timing, but if you haven’t found a spouse yet, then it’s something you can’t plan. Do the things you want to do now, you’re in the prime of your life and you don’t want it to pass you by.

    5. Almost none of my original life plans, such as they were, have come to pass. I think the better you can roll with the unexpected, the more resilient an adult you will be. You also really can’t know in advance how your priorities and goals will change. For example, a lot of people are total workhorses in their twenties, and assume they’ll feel that way forever, but then want to slow down as they get older–kids or no kids.

      If I could re-set my life “plan” from about college age, it would be: financial stability, rewarding work, people I can count on, living somewhere I like. “Figured out” is a highly relative state, and things need to be re-figured out frequently, even in the best of circumstances.

    6. I have never, ever tried to – or felt that I needed to – “figure things out” about my life. I’ve never even really ever had concrete long-term goals. In the years leading up to making partner, that was a goal, but honestly, it wasn’t something I focused on until I was about a 5th year associate, so it was a relevant goal for about 2 years and that was it.

      I think maybe the best way to put it is that I tend to live my life according to principles, rather than plans – to love God, to love other people, to do good for my community, and to try to embrace everything that comes to me with joy and enthusiasm (I’m sort of a golden retriever of a human being in that respect). I live by serendipity, I guess.

    7. I had vague goals, but nothing as concrete as my college roommate who wanted to have her kids precisely at age 30 and 32 after her residency and fellowship (and IIRC she only got married at 34).

      BUT things have played out life-wise (so far) pretty well, I got married mid-late 20s like I wanted, had 3 kids like I wanted. Career-wise not so much, but that was also because I didn’t have a career goal – I was in biglaw but always knew I didn’t want to be a partner, and now I’m just kind of trucking along with no real goal in mind. Hmm.

    8. You seem to be thinking of this too linearly. You can do more than one thing at a time. I would not put off “starting your life” until after graduate school. Your life is what you’re living right now.

    9. What’s funny is that my life path – when viewed from the outside – looks super linear and planned: graduated college then law school; must future H in school; got a sweet federal clerkship; got married after clerkship; started big firm job; had kid 1 at 32; made partner; had kid 2 at 35. Bought a house, then upgraded house during this. But the funny thing about this is that it was exactly NOT what I planned. I wanted to be single, move to the big city, get a second graduate degree, and never thought I’d have kids. Oh the irony.

      1. +1 for this. I thought I’d be single and have this great career and live this fabulous, exciting city life for my entire 20’s before “settling down”. Turns out I met my husband when I was 23, got married at 27, and just had my first baby at 30. The only part that worked out was the career part, and that was also a happy accident.

        1. Are you me? Had a list of big cities I wanted to try living in. Life events on identical timeline you mentionned. And landed in my dream job purely by good luck when they restarting hiring exactly when I was looking. Happy where I am but never thought my life would look like this.

    10. Thanks for your comments guys! Being relatively ambitious and overanalytical about my future is a relatively recent trait of mine that I developed over the past year or so. So I think in my mind I’m steps behind my super ambitious/life planning peers so I overanalyze problems that aren’t really there. And in retrospect, the best things that have happened in my life have come after letting go (e.g. meeting my SO, finding out what I’m passionate about, etc). Thanks for sharing your perspectives! :)

    11. I’ve spent most of my life just sticking my sail up and seeing which way the wind blows me. It’s worked out pretty well, but I think I’ve been lucky.

    12. No plan, but I do think having a life philosophy is important. Mine has always been family and friends first, career second, life takes priority over work. This doesn’t mean I haven’t cared about work, and I’ve done all the career things just fine, but it keeps me from making decisions I’d later regret. I go on the vacations, I show up for things, I have deep and meaningful relationships. Everything else falls into place.

    13. To be honest, if this is where you are in life, it suggests that you have not yet dealt with major curveballs. My advice would be to work on your resiliency skills for when the inevitable happens.

  7. Our last set of drinking glasses were destroyed by our hard water in our dish washer. I bought a new set and want to avoid it happening again. What is the easiest way to do this (besides getting a water softener, which I’m not interested in doing)?

    2. What happened to them? Hard water would result in spotty glasses, but it shouldn’t ruin them.

    3. Hand wash them? Hand dry them immediately after? There’s not a life hack for everything…

      2. Maybe you just think of drinking glasses as a consumable and replace them when they get too cloudy for your liking.

        But I like Finish detergent pods. They keep our glassware sparkling.

      3. Have you tried switching dishwashing detergent? We had the same problem until we switched to finish gelpacks.

      4. I scrub my drinking glasses maybe 1/yr with BonAmi powder. They sparkle after that!

  8. Help me make a decision:

    My best friend is going on a one-week trip to Italy that leaves this weekend. She planned it to take her mother as a gift, it’s completely paid for. Her mother had some health issues flair up and cannot go. She can take somebody else for modest change fees (~$100, checked with the airline) and asked me if I can go.

    The problem is I am lead on an event next week at work that is part of my promotion package (government). I have already done a ton of work going up to this event and all those products/work will still be utilized. My office is only one piece of this event and it is being primarily run out of another office, but we are not a negligible piece. If I go on the trip, I will miss this event.

    I had casually mentioned it to my supervisor (we have a good relationship, and my best friend works in the same field so they have met, etc.) and she said she thinks I should go on the trip if it comes down to it. I work in government and the promotion is available in my billet, but I am not on a hard timeline on when I would get it — it’s not like I was supposed to get it in 3 months and if I don’t do this event it would be 6. The rough timeline was for her to submit the paperwork in April after this event. I have a couple other items I’ve done recently I would point to to add to my promotion package as well, but this was an event she had specifically identified as good for me to be point on. I’m identified as a top performer in my department and got high ratings at my last review and no negative feedback.

    My SO told me I should level with my boss and ask her what the implications will be if I go. Obviously the safe choice is to not bring it up again and not to go, and I’m worried about the optics in addition to actually missing the event. But on the other hand, this is an incredible opportunity to travel with my best friend, who is extremely bummed her mom can no longer go, to a place I have never been at very little cost.

    What would you do?

      1. +1

        And even if you did go, it shouldn’t be no cost for you. Don’t use your friend because her Mom is sick.

        1. Yes exactly. I read this post feeling shocked that OP thought she was going on this trip basically for free. That’s not how you treat friends. Pay your own way. If BFF refuses to take the money then OP should pay for every single meal, event, museum, coffee, etc. they have while there.

          So, OP, given that you will be paying your half one way or the other, how does that affect your feelings about whether to go? I think you’ll get a lot of comments here telling you not to sacrifice work for this opportunity. I’m less than certain about that. This is one of those moments that you have to decide whether you live to work or work to live. This trip will have (likely) short-term career consequences. You may not get the promotion this year. But you might not get the promotion this year anyway. How would you feel if you didn’t go on the trip and didn’t get the promotion? How would you feel if you went on the trip and didn’t get the promotion specifically because you chose the trip over work? No one can tell you how to feel about these things. But definitely take the “free trip” aspect out of the equation.

          1. That’s what she was offered. I’d do the same. If I paid for a trip for my mom and she couldn’t go I’d absolutely love to take My BFF for free just so I’d havd a buddy.

          2. It’s probably a sunk cost. Like when you give away tickets that you can’t use.

          3. Ouch, I’m hurt by the idea I would be taking advantage of my friend — the trip is a sunk cost for her. She has 100% prepaid for everything she planned, and the vast vast majority of it is nonrefundable. She invited me because she’d rather have a companion than travel alone.

            Of course I would try to cover everything she would let me. This is one of my best friends in the world — she didn’t invite me to try and recoupe her lost $$, she knows my financial state versus hers and we are at an arrangement that is fair. And I firmly believe friendships are not tit for tat but lest anybody think I’m taking advantage I’ve done things for her too, like bought her flight to visit her mom for Christmas the year she was unemployed, etc. Maybe I should have framed it as, “I have the opportunity to take a trip at a cost that fits well within budget.” because that is really what it is.

            The promotion question is true, especially in today’s environment – there could be some kind of freeze tomorrow that prevents me from getting the raise anyway. It’s a tough question and I love my job passionately and devote myself to it because I truly believe in what I do, but at some point I have to define the line between work and life.

          4. I wouldn’t expect a friend to pay half of the costs for a trip I planned with someone else.

          5. I think I agree with you.

            But I was just surprised the OP – who clearly has a good job – was thinking it was kinda a free ride for her. I would have done what another poster suggested – paid for all the meals/other tickets etc… So it surprised me she didn’t at least make some sort of hint that she would demonstrate her gratitude.

            But that’s me. I would still do that for a best friend too.

    2. The trip sounds amazing and your boss said she thinks you should go. I would agree with your SO and ask your boss what the implications would be for your promotion. It sounds like you have lots of other good things going for you and it missing this event won’t be a deal breaker for the promotion, so I say go on the trip.

      1. +1 – since you have a good relationship with your boss, just ask her to level with you if it will impact your promotion. Life is short, always try to go on the trips.

        1. +1 to Life is short, always try to go on the trips.

          You will regret it if you don’t.

    3. I would go on the trip. It doesn’t even sound like the promotion really hinges on this event and you have already done a lot of the work. As long as you have everything ready and it goes off without a hitch, just go.

    4. I would go on the trip, after confirming with your boss again. Once in a lifetime experience.

      1. This. I work to live, not live to work. If you can go to Italy with a friend for a week, GO!!!!!

    5. it sounds like a great opportunity but at the wrong time. If you have to ask if it may impact your promotion it’s probably a safe bet not to go. Your boss might say that it is fine now, but situations change esp. after the fact. I am thinking what if the event goes turns out terribly ? it may will shine a brighter list on your absence from the event.

    6. Your supervisor is the one you should listen to. She knows more about your promotion than anyone and she advised you to go.

      When you are 80 years old, you will think about that trip to Rome, not that your promotion was possibly delayed 3-6 months because of it. And you will not think “remember that time i didn’t go to Rome and got promoted 3-6 months earlier?”

    7. In your shoes, I would 100% go. Your presence would mean she’s not alone. Plus your boss said you can go! Stop overthinking it – you’re a top performer and your promotion will come. It doesn’t sound like this presentation will make or break it.

  10. Help! I just got invisalign and the first few days of a new tray are SO painful. Can’t sleep, hard to focus kind of painful.

    What’s the best route to get a prescription for prescription-strength pain medication to use for those first few days after each new tray? My understanding is that orthos don’t often prescribe. Is this a PCP issue?

      1. +1. All they’d likely prescribe is 800 mg of ibuprofen/Motrin, so you could always DIY that…

      2. OTC pain meds should help here, but you may need a higher dose. Not a doctor, but I’ve been told by doctors that a 600-800mg dose is acceptable for briefly treating acute pain.

        1. I mean, I do that (800 mg ibuprofen) for cramps all the time. For a day, maybe two.

    2. Are you taking ibuprofen? Talk to your doctor, but you can take more than what the OTC bottle says. Usually 3-4 pills instead of 2.

    3. I’d just alternate with advil/aleve. That’s probably all your GP will give you anyway, just in larger doses (800 mg ibuprofen which is 4 advil, etc.) — I had orthodontic work and never used anything stronger than that. I don’t know that my GP would treat for this because they are not the treating physician, though YMMV.

      Make sure to stick with soft foods, etc. to not further irritate the issue.

      1. Be careful if you’re taking both Advil and Tylenol! They both have daily limits bc they each can damage your liver if you take too much. Reaching the daily limit with both is the equivalent of double the daily limit with respect to your liver function. I speak not as a health care provider, but as a layperson person with education in pharmaceutical sciences.

        1. This is not quite accurate – Advil and Aleve would have the issue you describe, Tylenol and Advil do not. Google ‘taking acetaminophen and ibuprofen together’ for details.

    5. I did Invisaglin and I’m a big baby, but Advil was all I needed. If you really need stronger pain meds for this something else could be wrong. Could they have given you the wrong set of trays? That happened to me once and the pain was unbearable.

    6. They make a new medication called Duexis, which is literally just 800mg with a stomach coater so you can take it up to 3x a day. Sounds like this might be a good solution. Don’t mix Tylenol and Advil. You can take 800 mg of Advil for short periods, but longer period will give you a stomach ulcer.

      1. This isn’t appropriate medical advice for several reasons (signed a medical professional who does not give medical advice on the internet)

    7. What have you been taking? How much and how frequently?

      For a couple days take the over the counter pain meds, as directed by your doctor around the clock. If you want until the pain is bad and THEN take them, they don’t work as well.

      You don’t need prescription pain meds for this and would likely have more side effects (eg. groggy the next morning, constipated etc…).

    8. I’m using this thing called an Acceledent – it’s basically a vibrating mouthguard. It supposedly speeds up the alignment process but it also really helps with the discomfort of the aligners.

    9. I’ve found that it can sometimes be worth consulting a pharmacist with questions like this. For all I know a topical teething ointment would help, but a pharmacist might know.

    10. I don’t know if it would help with invisalign, as I had traditional braces, but I found that clamping my mouth shut and holding a bite (I actually had a guard to use to do this) helped with the pain as well. Obviously not a cure all, but might help get you over the hump while working.

  11. I missed the ergonomic office productsmpost earlier this week.

    Does anyone have a keyboard for an iPad that they really recommend? Bluetooth or usb wired doesn’t really matter, as long as the connection doesn’t break off.

  12. Brag Alert (and not the humble kind)!

    I’m paying off my school loans this week. Not telling anyone but my folks in real life but it’s such a weight off my shoulders.

    5. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! I’m paying mine off when I get paid on the 15th, and the wait is killing me because I want them to be gone RIGHT NOW.

    13. I did too (after 25 years- no lie)! I had a bonfire of all my documents. Felt so good.

  13. We are traveling in Germany this summer with our 4 children. When staying in hotels we usually we get 2 rooms (preferably connecting rooms) and divide the 6 of us between the two rooms. We found that hotels in Berlin will not allow us to have more than 1 child in each room. Is this a standard practice in Europe? Why? Any tips on how to deal with this (besides the obvious but undesirable suggestion of getting more rooms)?

    1. SRSLY? Do they want to take on liability for unaccompanied minors? Or find you a nanny for overnights?

    2. Smaller hotels may have an apartment option that might work – some smaller hotels have 2-3 apartments in addition to 10-20 rooms. German hotels are generally smaller rooms that N.A. and family connecting rooms are rare. We generally stay at AirBnBs fior this reason (family of 5). You can also use google translate and check traum-ferien wohnungen . de for great options as well. Ferienhaus is vacation house and Ferienwohnung is vacation apartment.

      If you want to stick with hotels, you’ll have better luck with N.A. branded products like Marriotts but there’s a lot of digging as availability of connecting rooms can vary significantly.

      1. I also recommend kinder hotels dot com. They have great options for child friendly accommodation although many are outside bigger cities.

    3. In my experience this is standard in Europe – I believe because of fire code, and I don’t think they’ll be willing to negotiate you on this. AirBnB/VRBO/Homeaway sound like they would be a much better option (and you’d have a kitchen and more space anyway).

    4. I’ve heard this from American friends who are living in Europe, though I have no personal experience with it. My friends pretty much never stay in hotels, they use AirBNB.

    5. Are you calling these hotels directly? Many won’t let you add more than one child to your room for free but will let you book a separate room for kids.

    6. This is unrelated but I heard that Germany is very anti-air conditioning and that their summers are miserable because of it so just keep that in mind when researching places to stay.

      1. It’s not so much that they are anti-air conditioning but, as in most of Europe, there is a wider range of temperature tolerance. So they don’t tend to heat their home until the house is below 66 degrees and they don’t tend to cool until the temperature is above 75/76. Houses/buildings are generally better built so that actual air conditioning isn’t need if shutters are closed at the right time of the day. Many houses and buildings are built from concrete instead of wood/drywall/steel as well.

        They are also way more energy efficient. So don’t be surprised if your rental car shuts off at a stop light or anytime you stop. It will restart when you press the gas pedal. It’s an environmental feature to prevent idling .

      2. That is a good thing to bring up, I went to London and Paris in June and of course the experienced the biggest heatwave since the 70’s, and it was tough to sleep without it!

    7. We had the same experience in London, and were also surprised to learn that an international chain (Hyatt) did not offer two-bed rooms.

      So we reserved two one-bed rooms and put the two kids in one and us in the other, even though the reservation said that one adult would be in each room with one kid.

      Our kids were a young teen and a tween at the time.

    8. Wow! Germans are super weird about “large” families, but that’s a whole nother level.

    10. I took all three of my kids to Berlin twice last year and had no problems at all combining them in rooms, usually officially two in one room and me and the baby in another. We also did Hamburg, some rural cities/towns, Switzerland, Seville, London, Cornwall, Copenhagen, Munich. In two years of constant travel we never encountered this issue. We couldn’t always get connecting doors but the rooms were never an issue. Are you sure you’ve got the right end of the stick? The last time we stayed at the Maritim Hotel Berlin. It had lovely rooms and is very well located for kids within walking distance to the Zoo/Aquarium, the large city park called Tiergarten, and the small Legoland and all the cool sights at Potsdamer Platz. it is also across the street from the Monument to the Resistance and is the location where Stauffenberg was killed. We walked with a stroller from there to the Reichstag (you have to prebook for security reasons but it is easy), which the kids loved, and did the epic boulevard walk down to the Brandenburger Tor, the Holocaust Memorial, and the on to Unter de Linden to see the large Frederick the Great monument because my husband’s GGGgrandfather is on it and my husband and son have the same name. Great walkable city. Museum Island is also fabulous and across from Frederick is my favourite monument, the Book Burning Memorial on Bebelplatz.

      1. I just checked to see the other place we stayed and it was The Berlin Marriott Hotel on Inge-Beisheim-Platz 1. It was also great and had adjoining rooms. Excellent location as well, right off Potsdamer Platz.

  14. Help. I had a weird fantasy dream about this partner I work for and now we’re working all day together in a very small room. I really like this guy (in a normal way), and while I find him attractive it’s not that kind of thing. I just feel weird now. help!

    1. I’m not big on ‘dream symbolism’, but I once read that s*x dreams represent a desire to get closer to a person, NOT a desire to actually have s*x with them. In my experience I’ve found this to be true. You’re probably a bit anxious about making a good impression, building your working relationship, etc, and this is how it manifests in your dream life. Don’t read into it any further than that!

    2. I’m embarrassed by my subconscious mind because it does that to me ALL THE TIME, even with women, and I am super straight – in fact, in the dreams about women I am usually trying to get away. Um… not so with the menfolk… I’m usually all over them in my dreams, and then in real life I have to work with them the next day. It’s so awkward.

      But of course no one can read your mind. Just try to act normal. You know this, I’m just chiming in to empathize. The awkwardness will go away after not too long…. until you have another dream anyway.

    4. Commenting too late for you to see this I’m sure but I have had this reoccurring dream my entire career!

  15. Someone I know made a career switch recently, and I’m looking at doing something similar. I’d be interested to hear how they approached the process. Complication is that we briefly dated years ago. We weren’t exclusive and have texted a few times to catch up over the years. Is is appropriate to ask? (We would not become colleagues if my switch works out, so no worries there. I’m looking at a different company and city.)

    1. I think it’s fine to ask, once, and if they don’t respond never ask again, unless you dumped them.

    2. If you’re basically on good terms with this person, I don’t see the problem. Especially if you would not be asking for help getting your next position.

  16. Finally selling my car and adopting the car-free lifestyle in DC. Has anyone sold a car in DC? It seems dealerships won’t buy cars unless you’re swapping for one of theirs. I know Carmax is probably my best bet, but poking around online keeps pulling up “We Buy Any Car” which has pretty good yelp reviews. Has anyone used them? I’ve never done this so I don’t have enough context to know whether that company is shady.

      1. Yes, but you can get sketchy people and have to deal with how to make sure you get paid and get off the title. Get and make a copy of their license before you do a test drive with them (just like dealerships do).

        For my safety/security/sanctity of free time, I’d go to CarMax in a heartbeat. The only downside is the drive out (I’m thinking of the Dulles one) and how to get back.

        FWIW, I always kept a beater car in DC b/c I’d periodically need to go out to groceries / Costco (for parties) or an airport run / day trip. And it was nice to just have something available that I didn’t worry about having it dinged up a big for being parked in garages by attendants or left on the street.

        1. Not interested in playing the craigslist game just because of the crazy run-arounds I had trying to sell furniture on there. Tried to sell a TV and a guy was adamant that we would need to watch a movie together first (the entire movie) to make sure it was working properly. People are weird!!

          Totally agree that having a beater car is nice, I think I’m just paying too much to park it monthly and with insurance to where renting a zip car for an afternoon is going to be cheaper. Plus, it keeps getting broken into in my garage, so it’s more of a hassle than it’s worth at this point.

          1. Fair enough. I sold a car on there without any difficulty. I used a one page bill of sale and he gave me cash. I felt weird carrying that much cash around until I deposited it, but other than that it was relatively painless. But I have also had bad experiences selling other things, so I get not wanting to deal with it.

        2. When I bought a car while I lived in DC, they picked me up from the closest metro stop. Maybe CarMax would do the reverse?

    2. I sold to Carmax and was happy with how simple their process was. Also, welcome to the car-free club! It’s great :)

      1. Yeah you may not get tiptop dollar but I was pleasantly surprised with what I got when I sold my car to Carmax, and it was super painless.

    3. So many questions:

      What year, make, model? Approximate mileage?

      What is the KBB value for trade in v. private party sale?

      Are you in DC itself or the suburbs? That affects lemon laws and other laws regarding used car sales.

      Does it have any mechanical defects?

      If it is well maintained, would you consider putting something up on FB to see if a friend of friend of friend wants it?

      Are there enthusiast clubs for the car that have buy / sell webpages?

      1. +1 to the last point. If you have a particular vehicle, you may do better settling in a private sale – for instance, an old Jeep Cherokee or Wrangler or an older European luxury car. If you have an Camry or something this is less likely to be true.

    4. We Buy Any Car used to have great TV ads where a guy just shouted WE BUY ANY CAR over and over again. Now I’m going to have that in my head all afternoon!

  17. My partner and I are in the process of figuring out an engagement ring, and I have absolutely no idea where to start. Hoping you all could share some wisdom.
    I have been offered an antique family ring that has several lovely diamonds in it, but it’s an oversized piece that’s not meant to be worn every day (over an inch in length!) We were thinking of using one or more of those stones in a different setting, but I have no idea how to do that.
    Do I just take the old ring to a jeweler and ask what they can do with it? Should I pick a setting I like then have those stones used instead of purchasing new ones? How do I know what settings those stones could fit in? Help!
    Also, we’re trying to be extremely cost-conscious and would like to spend under a thousand dollars here–is that even possible?
    Any guidance or suggestions of helpful resources would be tremendously useful. My google research so far has just made me feel overwhelmed and like I should give up on the whole dang thing (a feeling I imagine I will get used to while wedding planning!)

    1. I would go look at some rings and figure out what type of setting you like, then take a the ring in and ask the jeweler what they can do with the diamonds you have to get a setting close to what you like. I think since you already have the diamonds, you can probably do it for under a thousand if you’re willing to do gold instead of platinum, unless you like blingy settings with lots of smaller diamonds. I have found the smaller jewelry stores tend to have better prices than larger chains, but that may vary depending on where you live.

    2. I was in your shoes, same budget and everything! I wound up getting a beautiful emerald and diamond ring from Macy’s, of all places, after spending months looking in antique shops. It was just under $1k.

      Anyway, go to a bunch of different stores and try on rings just to get an idea of what you like. Trying them on is very different than seeing a picture online. At the same time, research jewelers and local artisans who make things from scratch, get good reviews, and seem to match your aesthetic (which you’ll start to develop as you try things on). Then take the antique ring to them and discuss what can be done and how much it will cost. That’s how I would go about it, anyway. If you’re in the NY area, then I highly recommend the Brooklyn shop Facets for this.

    3. Jared has a lot of settings and tells you which stones (cut and carat size) fit in each one. You can probably have a jeweler tell you what each stone is and whether you can have them put into one of their settings.

    4. There will be a jeweler around you that does this. Look for a “full bench” jeweler that advertises their expertise in engagement rings – this is the bread and butter of bench jewelers. It would be best if you go in and see that their aesthetic works with yours. Have fun!

      1. Excellent, thank you. Helpful terminology to know. And appreciate the reminder that this should be fun, not a stressor :)

    5. Definitely go into a shop and try things on, rather than just looking online. I love my ring and I would never have chosen it from a picture in a million years because I’d have thought it was too big for my hand.

      1. Thanks, that’s good to know. I think part of why I’m dreading this is that looking online I don’t like the look of anything. Glad to hear I will have a different experience in person.

    6. SO and I just bought one this month. I had no idea what I was doing so I did what I always do in that situation: read a ton of google reviews. I found a small jewelry store near me with uniformly excellent reviews, and they had something beautiful and unique and perfect for me.

      That said, I also went to like 10 other stores, and found out that most of the rings you see in the case are sold as a setting only, and have CZ in them for display. They expect you to buy the center stones separately. So, if you already have them, you should be able to simply find a setting you like that’s designed for stones of a similar size and insert the stones from the ring you have. 10k white gold settings can easily be found for under $1k.

    7. This is just the sort of project that the delightful posters at Pricescope would like to help you with. Figure out what you like by going to several places, post on Pricescope and let them recommend vendors that will help you get exactly what you want.

  18. Here’s a light question.

    If you and a colleague have to go from Place A to Place B for the same meeting in Place B, do you coordinate to be on the same flights?

    Everyone in my office seems to think it’s a good idea to be on the same airplanes. I hate that! I often luck into arriving around the same time as colleagues, so we can share transportation to the hotel in Place B, but I enjoy the chance to not be *on* while I’m flying. (It helps that I try to be loyal to AA and everyone else her flies United.)

    But I’d like to hear the other side — why do you think my colleagues prefer to coordinate?

    1. Yeah usually. That way we aren’t traveling alone and will be delayed together and also I like them.

      1. Ha, I like my colleagues, but I can’t imagine the kind of liking someone where I want to sit next to them on a plane for hours and hours.

        I like my husband a lot, but if there were a way for us to fly separately… (don’t tell him I said that!)

        1. I’ve coordinated so i’m on the same flight, but not to the point that I’m sitting next to them. I guess they’d see you before/after the flight, but you aren’t stuck with them for the duration.

        2. But you don’t have to sit next to them? I don’t think I’ve ever done that when I’ve been on the same flights as coworkers.

        3. I’ve coordinated to be on the same flights but not sitting next to each other. Usually the person I’ve traveled with is senior to me and has more miles/better status, so they want the option to take an upgrade.

    3. I don’t mind being on the same flight, but I usually try NOT to sit together. I decompress during the flight, or work on other things, or catch up on sleep. I don’t want to rehearse whatever for the meeting or have them watching me build a powerpoint or something.

      I’ve found that it’s a function of how often your team flies. If you travel for work all the time, you usually coordinate your own flights. If this is a once-a-year trip, then usually the team wants to travel together and share transportation and such.

      There’s also a function of the meeting itself – if there’s one central person to the meeting, most people will try to travel with them so you’re delayed together. The worst scenario is to be a junior person who can’t give the speech, but you’re already there and the senior person won’t make it.

      1. OK, this makes sense to me. I travel the least in my department, so it’s funny that people seem more eager to coordinate than I am, though I suspect it’s one particular dude (who is semi-retired, so for him this is maybe ‘fun’?) who pushes for it. I almost never travel to the same things as him.

        Yes, I definitely don’t want to sit next to a colleague on a flight. A few weeks ago schedules got shuffled and I emailed our travel department like “change of plans, I need to be on a flight like Boss’s, same locations and approximately the same times.” And she ended up having me sitting RIGHT next to him, too :-/ So much for watching The Secretary!*

        *That’s a weird choice for streaming on an airplane, right? I was surprised to see it on the list of movies.

        1. Watching The Secretary next to your boss on an airplane sounds like the plot of The Secretary: Part 2.

          So yes weird choice but now I want to watch it!!

    4. No, you don’t need to coordinate. I mean, if the flight times work for you and the cost is considerably less, I’d consider it. But I’m a big believer in booking business trips that work for both your personal schedule and the client/or meeting schedule. If that means I’m on a different flight than everyone else, so be it. We’re all grownups and can get ourselves to where we need to be on time.

      If you need to rent a car, then maybe it makes sense to try to arrive at about the same time. But that does not mean you need to be on the same flight. Even if you are on the same flight, you ABSOLUTELY don’t need to sit together. That’s happened to me inadvertently a couple of times, on flights to/from Europe or Asia. A coworker had the seat next to me. It was as awful as you might imagine. If I’m gonna be stuck in a tiny seat in a metal tube for 14 hours, I prefer to be in the company of strangers.

    5. We will typically be on the same flight, but don’t sit together. Our administrator makes travel arrangements for us though and usually books the same flight for everyone.

      1. Same — I travel frequently for work, and we always try to coordinate same flights (but do not sit next to one another!)

    7. I would make an effort not to coordinate. I prefer to handle all my own travel, arrive at the airport when I want, get the food I want to eat, and not have to make small talk either in the lobby or on the flight. I would make an exception for challenging international travel where we have to work together to figure out confusing logistics.

      1. Ah, this is how I feel. What if I want to get fries and then sit at the airport bar? What if I want to kill my layover shopping at MAC? What if I want to sleep without worrying about drooling?!

        1. Exactly – it’s one thing to travel with a best friend who knows you, but traveling with a coworker just forces you to be “on” and not follow your own tried and true travel routines. The thought of making small talk through flight delays and the flight itself is reason enough to go your own way.

      2. + 1 to all of this. This comes up a lot at my office (travel to similar places from same city, etc) and no one ever coordinates. If we discover we’re on the same flight, we may try to meet up at the end to share a cab, but that’s it. And I hate it when I end up running into a coworker at the airport. I have my travel routines and like to be alone on flights and at the airport.

    8. If you’re both senior people in core roles, you might deliberately NOT want to coordinate, as a risk management strategy – what if (heaven forbid) the plane goes down?
      On the flip side, maybe your colleagues want to coordinate so they can use a bit of the flight time or waiting-around-in-airports time to work together, thus minimizing the travel slack where it doesn’t feel like you’re getting very much done with the day.

    9. No separate planes all the way! I had a colleague squeeze into the previously empty middle seat next to me for a five hour flight and it was miserable. My substantial butt and thigh were up against him for the entire flight. I felt so embarrassed.

    10. Typically together on the same plane, but on-purpose not seated together unless specifically requested (like we need to go over the meeting materials together while en route.)

    11. I kind of hate traveling with colleagues – or worse, I once ended up sitting next to a client on a plane, a nice guy but who would.not.shut.up.

      I think separate flights are fine. The only reason to be on the same plane is if you need to be together for ground travel such as a rental car; that way, you don’t have the problem of one party or the other having to wait for a second plane to arrive. (I once had to sit for five hours in the Dublin airport when a big airline mess resulted in me being on a separate flight then my ex and DS and they got delayed in Frankfort. Well, at least they had good beer at that airport.) But if you’re on the same flight, definitely sit apart.

    12. Consultant and travel frequently for work. If the team is going straight to the client site for meetings, etc. we do coordinate so we all arrive together. If we are arriving the night before we will still coordinate if we are sharing a rental car and it’s a decent distance from the airport to the hotel. Also coordinating is easier for us because either everyone arrives or no one does. Absolutely no one wants to sit next to anyone else and we will often compare seats to make sure that doesn’t happen. We often use the time in the airport on the way there to prep for the trip.

    13. Huh, I will coordinate but only with coworkers I really enjoy spending time with (and there’s quite a few I’m social with outside of work). Just did a trip sitting next to one and we talked the whole flight. It was fun. But I wouldn’t feel the same about everyone.

  19. Another slap on the back news flash that we don’t tell people IRL.

    We used most of the FEMA checks from hurricane damage and losses to pay off our mortgage. We never intended to retire in this house and now it’s worth nothing so what we thought would be a property on which we could make profit and use the income for part of a retirement move … is just dead wrong. It’s shelter to us now and there’s no place to rent or buy locally that would be at the same monthly rate. So we own this “thing” for what it’s worth.

    Not replacing most property losses. Doing minimal repairs just to keep it semi practical. We’ve been camping in it (sans dishwasher and most rooms) for six months now. It’s the new normal.

    Except we own it. Hurrah for us?

    1. I don’t understand how it’s worth nothing but rent nearby is more than the monthly rate. What monthly rate? Your old mortgage? I’ve got to assume the land is worth something – memories are short and people like proximity to water. I would assume in a couple years you’ll be able to sell to someone who wants a tear-down so they can build a new “hurricane-proof” home. They’ll assure themselves that the NEW building guidelines are way better so they’ll NEVER have the same kind of flooding and loss you had.

      Real estate in FL keeps going up, despite yearly hurricanes. Wherever you are is likely a similar story.

      1. And I should have said, none of that negates what sounds like an awful situation. I’m sorry you’re going through that and have to adjust to this new normal.

        1. Thank you Anon. Yes, that’s happening; people are buying at half cents on the dollar (or far less) to knock down existing houses and build elevated mansions. It’s now only the property which has any value. The area will change. We will eventually just sell when we are ready to retire elsewhere. Hard to see that all our hard work (restoring the old house we initially bought) demolished by someone. It will have served us well… I keep saying that. Rent nearby (as in 25 mile radius) outpaces our old mortgage payments; we are talking about renting in a area which was not destroyed by the storm… because of that and that all of those areas don’t have original, small, single story homes, we cannot afford to do so. So we stay put. Thanks.

    2. I am confused. Was it flood insurance or FEMA money. I though the FEMA checks were loans.

      1. FEMA gives out money that is not loans in some instances. My parents, who do not live near water, experienced flooding several years back. FEMA paid their clean out costs.

    3. Its OK. Things will get back to normal eventually. You won’t be living in a construction zone forever, and now that you’ve paid off the house you can start saving aggressively to make a down payment on a less flood-prone area. If this is your first flood, someone WILL buy it, and the value will recover over time. If you live in an area that has flooded more than once, just remember this too will pass. If you are in Houston, I highly recommend finding a Harvey support group. There are still a bunch that meet weekly, and there is a wide variety from the Montrose Center to the Jewish Family Services. Not only can you meet people going through similar issues, but there are a lot of financial resources available. It helps to know that you aren’t alone!

    4. I’m curious about this choice because I also live in a hurricane prone area and could suffer from the same. Did you make this choice because your old house would have sold for tear down value only?

      I guess I’m confused about why you didn’t fix it up to its original livable state to sell it in the future and pay off your mortgage with the proceeds of that. Paying off the mortgage and not being able to appropriately live in the house, no offense, seems like a terrible choice if you could have paid off the mortgage with a future sale and lived in a fixed up house.

      1. I am sorry you are in this situation – it sounds so awful. I’m also confused, though. If you paid off your mortgage, your living expenses should be really low. Couldn’t you spend some of the money you would have needed for a monthly mortgage payment on minimal repairs that would at least make the house livable?

        1. +1

          Agree.

          And you must be fairly young.

          I also never look at a house as an investment, as they advise for financial planning. Imagine if you had been renting all this time? The FEMA $$ must have been a lot for you to be able to pay so much down. I suspect financially you wont be that bad off in the long run, yes? You will be saving all of your mortgage payments monthly… go toward retirement savings or saving for your next downpayment.

          It will work out.

          Still sucks though.

          Are you planning to move soon? How has the situation affected your job stability?

          1. We are looking at retirement in a decade or less…so that’s the sadness about losing value of the house. We don’t want to throw a lot of money in a house we will have to sell at a low, lot value price. It will always be in an area where it is seen as a tear-down. No one would buy a one story house again. They may not be permitted to do so either. Bad enough we won’t recover what we had put into the house. We will fix it up minimally and cheaply. But it won’t be the same as it was – a very lovely, refined, redone old house. And things cannot be stored “low” now because of future damage possibilities…

            Because we are looking at retirement, all the cash we had spent on monthly payments is now adding to our retirement funds. So we are in a time-limited sort of limbo…

            It will work out. Just an odd milestone to achieve and have very little to show for it. Thanks for all the encouragement.

    5. OP, I’m sorry for your experience. I live in New Orleans. If it’s any consolation, 10 years after Hurricane Katrina, the lot prices in some areas that were devastated by the storm seem as high as they would have been anyways. Some neighborhoods that were under water have come back like nothing ever happened and are the most popular places to live. People haven’t forgotten, but they’ve gone back to buying homes like it won’t happen again. So, OP, there’s a good chance your home will return to its previous value by the time you’re ready to retire.

  20. Any suggestions for a cocktail style dress for a gala? Some post-pregnancy weight around the middle, so preferably nothing too fitted. Maybe something to highlight long legs? Hopefully less than $200

    1. Doesn’t gala usually mean long dresses…?

      I have never been to a gala, so I could be dead wrong.

    2. I actually think yesterday’s shift dress with pleated hem hits all your notes. Forgiving around the middle, highlights long legs. I’d wear it with all the jewelry for the gala – well not ALL -pick either a long significant necklace OR major dangly earrings but not both. I’d personally lean toward a long necklace with a neckline like that. But big rhinestone earrings and a breezy silk wrap would also be a great look.

    3. I found a few selections for a similar search recently in Karl Lagerfeld dresses at Lord and Taylor.

    4. Go for a ruffle or some interest in the center of your body to make you long and lean, or some neckline detail to draw the eye up.

    5. Adrianna Papell Women’s 3/4 Sleeve Lace Dress – available on Amazon in lots of colors. Very similar to the DVF Zarita dress. I just ordered for a wedding (similar body type) and I’m very pleased. The reviews recommend sizing up and I agree.

  21. My coworker has a super annoying habit of sending emails that would be a two second conversation when we are both sitting in our offices (next to each other!) with the doors open. (AND he puts his initials in subject lines, which, what even is that) The most recent one asked me to “give him an update” on something that is HIS PROJECT. He is not my boss and he is junior to me. This might be petty but I just deleted it. If you need to know, take 15 steps and ask me in person.

    1. Interesting, because I would find it really annoying if someone consistently came over to my office to ask me questions when an email would have sufficed. I find it presumptuous to interrupt someone at their desk or by phone on a repeated basis.

      1. Yeah I’ve been in situations where supervisors had different preferences – one preferred emails so she could have a visual record and manage her time; my current supervisor much prefers face-to-face conversations. With current boss, I try my best to “batch” my questions so I don’t wear out the path to her office door.

      2. Yes, as long as he isn’t expecting an immediate reply to the email (like sending another email like “Did you get my email”) this seems better than popping in because you can answer him on your timetable. What kind of update is he looking for from you on his own project?

    2. I think the most important thing is that he’s trying to manage you and he’s junior to you. I’d shut that down in a New York minute.

      1. Yeah, that’s definitely the thing that bothers me the most.

        Good perspective about the presumption of interrupting someone; I should have thought of that and will attempt to be more patient.

    3. I have someone on my team that puts their initials in the subject line. It is bizarre. I’m actually kind of relieved to hear there is someone else who does this.

    4. I would so prefer that. I have a large male colleague who has taken to grabbing the back of my chair to get my attention (back-facing-cube-entrance is the only monitor alignment possible). He’ll do it repeatedly within a 10-20 minute time period as he has new, related thoughts on whatever subject he first raised. I literally scooted my chair sideays out of his grip to back away today :facepalm::

  22. What’s a reasonable way to insert this into a work wardrobe? Typically I wear a jacket over a dress … but I’m so drawn to all the florals and embroidery everywhere this spring. I got the hotpotch shirt dress from Boden. It was lovely fabric but overwhelmed me… usually their patterned dresses I can “tone down” by covering with a blazer. If you are tall and have a straight, non-chesty figure it would be lovely. They are serious about it being a midi length. I’d have to have the entire red flounce section at the bottom removed and even then, it would be overwhelming.

    I am stepping out of the 50s in age, so I’m clearly not wanting to try to appear “younger” in any way. I did wear cotton tops with embroidery in the old days or embroidered dresses or jackets … but now? How to do this?

    TIA

    1. That’s pretty tough. Maybe you can just incorporate your love of embroidery and prints into blouses and scarves rather than entire dresses? A boldly printed dress, especially in a floral, just kind of reads weekend/wedding/Church.

      2. Yes, as I’ve gotten older I’ve migrated to a monotone neutral outfit with a patterned scarf or colorful blazer. It’s harder for me to pull off a full-body pattern or even full-body fun color. The scarves need to be smaller now too, much more flight attendant than blogger.

  23. I suspect the poster on the 30th birthday party thread above who is calling everyone names like nasty and unfun threw herself a giant 30th birthday party and had a tantrum over every invitee who declined to attend.

    4. I . . . don’t think so? That seems like an awfully unkind assumption to make and there’s no reason for it.

      Look, I’ll admit it’s not great to throw the word nasty around, but when someone’s going around saying that adults who have birthday parties are childish and princessy, yeah, I think that’s kind of nasty. Don’t rain on someone’s parade like that, let people have fun and enjoy things.

      But you can be an adult who has birthday parties without throwing a tantrum when someone doesn’t want to go. It’s not this black and white thing where you’re either over birthdays and you think celebrating them is stupid, or you’re a self-centered princess who insists on being worshipped by all once a year. There’s a lot of reasonable, normal middle ground here.

      1. Literally no one said it was ‘childish and princessy’ but there was one poster who clearly went for the name calling type responses. Just because a few posters don’t like adult birthday parties doesn’t mean they are ‘nasty and unfun’ or whatever was said.

        1. “Nasty and unfun” was in response to the prior poster saying throwing yourself a birthday party as an adult was behavior suited to the stars of Vanderpump Rules. I thought it was overly harsh to name-call but she wasn’t coming out of left field with the anger and that VPR comment needed to be called out, albeit in a nicer way. She didn’t literally say childish and princessy, but that’s a reasonable interpretation of what someone means by saying that it’s something a character on a Bravo reality TV show would do to “create a storyline for themselves.”

          Agree 100% on the middle ground and the “let people enjoy things.”

  24. For those who went to grad school mid-career, did you stay at your job and go part time or quit and go full time? Think MA or MS degree, not law or MBA. Are you glad that you did it the way that you did? Did you wish you did anything differently? I believe I need a graduate degree to achieve what the career that I want but there are no programs in my area and I’ve been having a very hard time finding a position in the area I would move to for a graduate program (DC). I’m 25 and I’ve been at my company for 3 years. The idea of quitting my full time position to move and go to school is daunting but I’m not making any real career progression where I am.

    1. I’d say go full time. You’ll get done faster, it will be easier when you’re just focused on school, and depending on what kind of program you’re in, you’ll probably be able to get internships that might turn into a full time job when you’re done.

    2. Are there online options for the grad program? I am seeing them now even for Engineering programs, as long as the degree is based on course work and doesn’t require a thesis/research. Otherwise I would try to be very realistic with yourself about the opportunity for fellowships or scholarships if you did go to school full time and living without the salary you have become accustomed to.

    3. Worked full-time, grad school part-time. It was the only way that I could pay for school without massive loans. Plus, I liked my job and they were pretty accommodating of days I needed to leave early for classes.

      You’re early enough in your career that you should be able to easily find a new job in DC — there is a ton of turnover in the 3-5 years experience bracket. I have several friends who stretched out their grad school by a year or two, as well. If you have a full-time job, you may be able to work 1-2 classes a semester into your schedule if you are willing to prolong your overall time in school.

    4. I did it while working full time. Company paid. It is the norm in my field for an employer to pay for your MS and most do it while working. If I had gone to school full time, I would no go anywhere where I wasn’t paid a salary. Obviously depends on your area of interest and how it relates to your current job.

    5. I am about to start a grad program. My plan is to work full-time for the first two semesters and take classes part-time. Presumably those classes will be a bit easier. After two semesters, I am planning to quit my job and finish the rest of my degree as quickly as possible.

  25. GHD Platinum irons are on sale on the website…the crazy patterned ones are 40% off. Wondering if I should buy one of those for my medium thickness curly hair or just get the GHD Gold during another sale…because it is a 2″ iron. I’ve never had a straightening iron before because I don’t really like the look, but I thought I’d give it a try. Thinking the 2″ iron that is not on sale would give me more lift and bend and go faster…but the Platinum says it is better for shine…and may curl easier. I have tried the Amika straightening brush and I think it made my ends look nasty so I returned it. Having that and a straightener seems excessive…but maybe that would give me a better look? Yes, I do have the Revlon Volumizer dryer. What iron should I buy? Should I just get the T3 convertible iron set for curling? Would they be better than the Remington and Sultra ones I have and don’t use? Very confused and have some money to burn…

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