Coffee Break: Intrecciato Chain-Handle Tote Bag
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Sales of note for 2/7/25:
- Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
- Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
- J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- My workload is vastly exceeding my capability — what should I do?
- Why is there generational resentment regarding housing? (See also)
- What colors should I wear with a deep green sweater dress?
- How do you celebrate milestone birthdays?
- How do you account for one-time expenses in your monthly budget?
- If I'm just starting to feel sick from the flu, do I want Tamilfu?
- when to toss old clothes of a different size
- a list of political actions to take right now
- ways to increase your intelligence
- what to wear when getting sworn in as a judge (congrats, reader!)
- how to break into teaching as a second career
I’m currently in the process of getting a mortgage. I’ve submitted my bank documentation and all that, and I’ve run into an issue with a $5,000 deposit in my bank statement from early January. It was a generous Christmas gift from my grandmother, and I used it to help buy a car. I could have used it for shoes, clothes, whatever–it was a general gift.
The loan officer wants me to fill out a gift form that expressly states the gift was to purchase this house. The problem is, it wasn’t. I didn’t even know this house existed in January. Furthermore, there is more than enough money in my accounts notwithstanding the $5,000 that has already been used anyway.
Why is this happening?
They don’t want someone artificially inflating their net worth through deposits (especially undisclosed loans) from family members. If you go on record saying it’s a ~gift~ to be used toward the house, they won’t have to worry that you’re secretly indebted more than they know.
I get that part. I submitted my grandma’s bank statement showing the $5,000 withdrawal. It was an electronic transfer so there’s no check to show. I am just uncomfortable filling out the letter that explicitly states the gift was to be used toward the purchase of this home when it wasn’t. Should I have her just write a letter saying it was a Christmas gift?
There’s no more of it to be used for the house–it all went to that car.
Well but money is fungible… if you hadn’t been gifted the $5k toward the car and you made the car purchase anyway, you’d have $5k less to put toward the house, right?
I actually wouldn’t have purchased the car. That money is what put me over the edge to make that decision. In any event, I’ve sent over my statement, her statement, her deposit slip, and she’ll write a letter saying she gave me a 5 grand Christmas gift. If they want more, I guess I’m not getting a mortgage because I can’t provide them with anything else.
I wouldn’t sign that either busybee. If I knew it wasn’t true I wouldn’t say it was, and if the loan officer insisted I’d work with a different loan officer.
Also- @Rainbow Hair. I just re-read my reply to you and it came off kind of curt–my apologies! I’m a little frustrated with the whole loan process and I didn’t take the time before posting to reread my words and make sure my frustration didn’t carry into an online post to a totally innocent stranger! So again, sorry if that seemed rude. I appreciate your explanation; I hadn’t considered that reasoning.
No offense taken, busybee!
When I did a refinance (with a company now known to have very shady practices) they were trying to get me to sign something that wasn’t correct either. They kept saying it’s just the way it’s done. However, as an attorney, I didn’t want to make any false statements on any document since that could lead to disbarment.
What I did is send the loan officer an email graphically spelling it out. I wrote, I just want to make clear, I have informed you that I am refinancing a house that I no longer live in and rent out. You had me fill out a form that says primary residence on it. You are telling me that is the only form that you use for both investment properties and primary residences. I would like you to write back confirming that so it is clear that by signing this form I am making no misrepresentations or false statements.
He forwarded it to someone more senior (possibly even legal) and then wrote me back saying who had reviewed it and that it was correct. I was then comfortable doing what they wanted me to do since I had covered my butt.
So in your case you could write that you want to confirm they want you to sign a gift for house purchase form even though the gift was for a car and not the house and that this is the way they always have it done and you are making no misrepresentation by signing it.
This.
That’s what I was concerned with too. Their form they wanted me to fill out made it sound like I had this money to use specifically for the house, and it was always intended to be that. But…it wasn’t. My lawyer spidey senses started tingling, just like yours did. It’s crazy that a financing company whose actual job is to finance properties and is therefore entwined with the legal aspects of that just has a one-size-fits-all, it-may-or-may-not-be-legally-accurate form.
It kills me that if the deposit had been made literally one day earlier, the loan officer wouldn’t have even known about it, as it would have been in the third-prior bank statement and they only required the past two.
Also I recognize that this is such a privileged problem to have and I’m really fortunate to have such a generous grandmother. Which is why I’m venting about this online and not in real life.
This is loan fraud, on the bank’s part. When they sell off these loans, the pricing for primary residences and secondary homes is different. They put your loan in a primary residence bucket, knowing full well it was not. This is just…nuts.
No advice, but commiseration. A very similar thing happened when we applied for a mortgage several years ago. My car died and it was too expensive to get it fixed, so I ended up getting a used car with a deposit from my parents. They wanted a detailed explanation and documentation of the entire transaction, including my parent’s bank statement showing the withdrawal. I hated the whole mortgage process. Good luck. Hope the rest of it goes smoothly.
This makes no sense. There is zero requirement for Grandma or you to say what the money was for. Yes, there is a requirement for the gift to be documented as a gift and not a loan so the bank can be sure you are not required to repay the money. That’s it. This is what we did – had my parents who generously gifted us some money sign a letter stating the money was indeed a gift.
Also – we switched loan providers literally in the middle of buying our first house. It went super smoothly and there were no issues at all. New loan provider was recommended by our realtor and was so much better to work with.
Spinoff question. If I frequently travel on business and get reimbursements direct-deposited into my checking account, will this be a problem if I go to refinance?
You have to prove the source of them. I think I needed a letter from my employer that they were “just” reimbursements. It was ridiculous because it was two $20 checks and a $50 check. Not hundreds or thousands of dollars.
Thanks. Mine are thousands of dollars. Sounds like this will be fun.
Look up “gift letter template” online. All you need to do is document that the money is a gift and is not a loan to be repaid. If your lender pushes you, ask to speak to a supervisor.
I feel like I get one interview for every 50 jobs I apply to. Is this normal or am I a pariah? I have one year of litigation experience at a small firm, I went to a fairly well ranked (top 50) law school with an excellent reputation in my large city. My GPA is not great. I was laid off about a month ago from my firm and am becoming…terrified over my lack of job interviews/offers. I’m doing okay on money, but I feel like my career as a lawyer is fizzling out before my eyes.
Ugh, sorry you’re having trouble. Second-year associate is a little junior for a lot of roles. What types of jobs are you applying to? Have you reached out to your network? I have personally never gotten a job from cold-applying for one, although I know that’s not true for many people.
I went to engineering school so this may be different, but after we graduate and secure the first job, it’s ok to take the GPA off the resume when you apply for jobs down the line. Having a lower GPA listed might be throwing reviewers off, but you might not need it there at all. Is it more important to lawyers to have a GPA listed?
Otherwise, my condolences, job hunting is super hard but I’m sure you will find something soon. Try not to get too discouraged.
Take GPA off, have you contacted local recruiters to help you?
Looking for a job is so hard. You are definitely not the only person that has to apply to tens of jobs to get any responses, so take comfort in knowing that you’re not alone. I second the suggestion to at least try contacting a recruiter. You could also go back to your law school’s career services office and ask them if they have any leads and for a list of alumni that you could try to network with. Sometimes the state bar associations or the ABA hire attorneys so you could try looking there for an in-between job. I understand your fear that your career is fizzling out before it even got started, but careers are long and everyone’s is different. Other people find jobs and you will too. Do something nice for yourself today.
I agree with taking your GPA off your resume. You should be getting a little more traction as a junior associate – a lot of people lateral after a year in major markets. There might be something off with your cover letter or resume, so I’d suggest getting a second pair of eyes on them. I’d also consider reaching out to recruiters that do law firm placements – you might have good luck at this early stage of your career working with them.
Heading to Savannah in May for a conference week/free weekend. I love food, real history, offbeat attractions, and the outdoors. Definitely going to see the Bonaventure Cemetery. What should I see/do/eat? What neighborhood should I stay in? (I’m more for small inn/walkable airBnBs than the chain hotel.)
Thank you!
Really, anything in the historic district/Victorian district is close and walkable. There are a bunch of B&Bs and some short term vacation rentals. SCAD is here and has nice exhibits and museum. Starland District is up and coming with a few cool shops, eat at Bull Street Taco, The Vault or Foxy Loxy. Check out the Connect Savannah page for an events calendar. Bonaventure is gorgeous, ghost tours are cheesy and fun, Savannah Canoe and Kayak does top notch small paddling excursions in the area. For soul food, Sisters of the New South, for good pub food with a bunch of historical memorabilia, Crystal Beer Parlor. For higher end dining, Pink House, Vics, Cotton and Rye, The Grey. Brunch at B Matthews or Collins Quarter. Cocktails at Artillery, Prohibition, Alley Cat Lounge. If you want more specifics, send me an email at anonymascot at the mail of the g.
My 15-year old daughter is going to a big dance this weekend – kind of like prom. Her dress, like all the other girls’ dresses, is sleeveless and above the knee. What do “kids these days” wear to keep warm at something like that? I’ve suggested a wrap and been shot down. Short of hoping that your date will share his jacket with you, what do you do? Thanks!
Idk what kids these days are wearing but I’d wear a leather jacket and rock the biker chick going to prom look.
It’s heartening to see that members of this board are on Team The Answer Is Always An LJ
What is an LJ???
Oh, duh. Leather jacket. Reading comprehension fail.
Oh man, I read this and (being the old millennial that I am) interpreted LJ as “LiveJournal”.
My basic interpretation of this comment was like, “Oh yeah, the kid who wears a leather jacket over her prom dress probably has a LiveJournal, and obviously the answer is always a LiveJournal; where else would you express all your teenage angst??”
Or a denim jacket.
Do kids wear denim jackets any more?
I have a friend who is basically a professional punk rocker and she’s currently shopping for a denim jacket. So yes? or no? I’m not sure how that cuts, upon further consideration.
no, not unless they’re going for the edgy punk rocker look described above!
She’s 15, if she doesn’t want to wear anything then just let her be cold.
I remember going to my dances without a jacket because I didn’t want to cover up my special dress. I didn’t care that I was cold for the few minutes between the car and the venue.
Or, if she just wants to wear a fleece or a hoodie or something, let her wear that. I went to many a dance with a black North Face jacket over my fancy dress.
Yeah, this. I grew up on the north shore of Chicago (i.e. you need a coat for at least half the year) and I either went without a coat, or, as I got older and wiser, just wore my everyday wool peacoat over my dress. All my friends did the same. All our moms wanted us to wear wraps or nicer jackets and we just thought that was a lame adult thing to do.
Yeah when I was 15 I was just cold.
I totally concur with the above. I grew up in Toronto and never did up my jacket in high school because it seemed uncool. Just let her choose to be cold if that is what she wants.
So I did a Nordstrom search by “sparkly” thinking maybe some cardigan or shrug options would come up.
EEK!
https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/topshop-by-tee-cake-heart-tassel-t-shirt/4918333?origin=keywordsearch&keyword=sparkly
That puts wardrobe battles into perspective. Be glad you’re only dealing with a teen who wants no sleeves!
(I’m feeling so old….)
YIKES Note that it’s 50% off right now.
OMG. So glad I have a son right now. :)
True story: I remember wearing a hand-me-down sweatshirt in grade school that had a picture of a kitten (!!) on it that said “Soft in all the right places” I still cannot believe my mother let me out of the house in that. I was, like 7!
When I was in elementary school, I had a stuffed dog purse. The dog had a bone and it said “go ahead, jump my bones.” All of the teachers thought it was hysterical and scandalous. I to this day, still don’t think it meant the sexual way of “jump my bones” that they read it as. My mom is super naive so she would not have known any naughty connection anyway.
I almost bought my pancake-loving 11-year-old a cute t-shirt that said, “Yes, but first, pancakes.” In the kids’ department. Fortunately I realized what was supposed to happen after pancakes before I clicked “Purchase.”
You go and be cold because you are 15.
My sister is about that age and mostly went without a jacket.
I doubt anyone will be cold once inside at the dance. So, is this just a question about what to wear traveling to and from the dance? There’s probably some sort of coat check place where girls can leave their outerwear once inside the dance. Maybe a knee-length wool dress coat? or a funky vintage fur or faux-fur jack from a thrift shop?
Thanks, everyone. I’m probably just projecting my 50-years-old-and-cold-everywhere-all-the-time worries onto her.
Ugh all these kids and their above the knee dresses. I’m not into it. (Signed, stepmother of a 16 and 18 y/o who dress… questionably.)
Haha, I dressed soooooooooo questionably as a teen. I think I’ve said this here before, but my personal style was best described as “vampire prostitute.” I was very goth and I was pretty sure that no one understand my pain or my epic love with my similarly goth boyfriend. There was a lot of Tori Amos and NIN happening in my bedroom.
The effect was somewhat ruined by the fact that I was also extremely cheerful, head of the prom committee, and prone to un-goth levels of school spirit. Oh, the teen years.
I love this bag, way more than the usual BV bags.
Me too. I’ve been fantasizing about getting a Bottega Veneta bag for years, and this doesn’t help my resistance!
Me too. I can’t say I like any of the lower price versions but TJ Maxx usually has woven leather bags like this that are actually pretty nice, seem well made, real leather, made in Italy and around $200-300, which isn’t cheap but way more reasonable. I’ve never managed to pull the trigger on one but have been tempted. I just can’t tell if it’s going to be the kind of thing that will bother me because it’ll feel like too much of a knock off?
Yes, but who can afford $3500 for a bag? Even with 60% reimbursed, it is STILL to much for me. If I have to spend this kind of money, I want a BIRKIN bag, like ROSA! She get’s everything from ED, and I have NO husband to give me a BIRKIN bag. If I were married, I would not have this kind of probelem. FOOEY!
Does anyone have any experience with furniture from Article? We just moved to a new house with needs for sofas/sectionals in 3 rooms- a playroom needs a sofa bed, our main living room furniture has seen much better days, and we have a formal living space as well. They have some blue velvet sofas that would be awesome in the formal, but of course that’s the last priority. They have reviews on their own page, but I can’t find much other outside info on them.
After reading here last week that people were not really impressed with their West Elm purchases (that seem already to be a bit more than I want to spend) I am wondering where else you’ve found comfy, attractive, and well made furniture. Thanks!
Macy’s in terms of quality/value. It’s not the highest quality furniture ever but it’s pretty decent and the price point is great, especially on sale.
I also have a sectional I got from Costco that I really like, but I think that was a fluke – most of their furniture doesn’t have great reviews.
I have the velvet green sofa from Article & I absolutely love it. The color is gorgeous & it’s really comfortable. I found them through a friend who has the same style in caramel leather, which is also gorgeous. I highly recommend – it’s wearing well & is a great deal for the price.
Green velvet sofas 4evah.
Mine finally came to live in my office and I’m so happy!
Oops that was me.
Oh I’m glad it lived!!
We bought the leather Timber sofa for our main living room (gets less use) and are happy with our purchase. The sofa is very comfortable and attractive. It looks well made. We’ve had it for a few months so can’t speak to longevity. But, overall – we think it was a good deal on a modern looking sofa.
I own the leather sectional version of the green couch mentioned. Only had it for 9 months so far, but it’s holding up great and gets a lot of compliments.
Anyone had success with couples therapy? A friend said that couples therapy actually exacerbated their marital problems and led them to divorce. DH and I don’t communicate, and he doesn’t understand how unhappy I have been. But we are both introverts, so being open with a therapist will be difficult. Also I have looked at therapy for myself before but never found a therapist that I “clicked” with.
A good friend’s marriage was on the brink — there was cheating and they separated and it was all around bad. A year later, after weekly couples’ therapy, their marriage has never been stronger. My friend said that it was hard and painful and involved a lot of uncomfortable conversations, but that it was totally worth it.
I went to a marriage therapist with my ex husband and obviously we got divorced (obviously because I said ex). Going to the therapist crystallized a decision we’d been hesitant to make.
That’s an interesting interpretation on your friend’s part. Unless they had a truly bizarre and unethical therapist who somehow added more problems to their marriage, I’m guessing that therapy “exposed” rather than “exacerbated” problems.
Therapy will not save every marriage – it will help you each to more fully understand all the issues and make a more informed decision about how you want the relationship to move forward – even if that turns out to be ending the relationship.
I am convinced it is absolutely possible for therapy to exacerbate issues. There are a lot of terrible therapists out there. Individual counseling with a therapist who legitimated and encouraged an obsession that was actually a symptom of a serious mental illness definitely exacerbated the problem for a family member of mine. The same type of thing could easily happen with couples counseling.
Yeah, I mean, it shouldn’t happen, but it can. There are many therapists in the world, and they’re not all good. During the course of my life, I’ve seen a lot of mental health professionals. Most were great, but I had one (for example) that just piled on the medication (I went from one antidepressant that I felt was working fine to three medications based on one visit with him, and even though one medication made me so sick I was vomiting every morning, he wouldn’t prescribe a different one) AND that threatened to tell my parents that I was still engaging in eating-disordered behavior even though I was not a minor (i.e., it wasn’t legal for him to do so). I didn’t trust him at all, and he was, at best, unhelpful and at worst, increased my problems because I wasn’t receiving effective treatment during a difficult part of my life.
It depends on your definition of success. I don’t have any personal experience, but if your goal is to stay married at all costs, I don’t think couples therapy is for you. If your goal is to figure out how you can both be happy and whether that includes both being happy AND married, I think it’s worth it.
Disagree. If your goal is to stay married at all costs then you should select a therapist with that in mind and make it very clear going in. My mother’s generation and earlier always went to their priest for marriage advice before therapy was a thing. They still went to someone for help, they just went in knowing that divorce would never be on the table.
Hah. I guess you could say it gave us a common enemy? And it was an opportunity to demonstrate to each other that we were willing to work on our issues. Giving couples therapy a try was a catalyst for change, and I don’t regret it. I wish it had been better though, and I definitely felt that the therapist was being pushy and weird about keeping divorce on the table when that wasn’t what either of us wanted.
We are going through it now and it gives us objective frameworks through which we can articulate our thoughts and feelings and needs to each other. Without it, we would be continuing the infinity loop of nonproductive communication patterns and one person pushing difficult issues & other person shutting down uncomfortable discussions.
I agree with the other poster…it exposes, rather than exacerbates, relationship issues and gives you a forum to decide if you want to work on them together or not.
+1 to this. My husband and I are currently in therapy and the wording about “infinity loop of nonproductive communication patterns” hits the nail on the head.
At times, for me, therapy has been embarrassing and uncomfortable because I’m talking about things I don’t really want to talk about. But it has been very good overall.
If you’re truly trying to avoid divorce but also want couples therapy, be clear that that is your goal when you meet with the therapists. You might want to expand your search terms to “marriage counseling”, and if you’re religious, try pastoral counseling. (Caveat that this can come with a whole host of other limitations/beliefs you may not like.)
I wouldn’t worry about the introvert issue. A good therapist will be able to work around that.
Yes, being an introvert doesn’t mean you have a hard time opening up to, communicating with, or being vulnerable with people. It means you need alone time to recharge, as opposed to extroverts, who primarily derive energy from interacting with others. I, personally, think the dichotomy is sort of stupid, but the internet loves it right now. I, FWIW, am a very outgoing extrovert who has a very hard time opening up to/ sharing meaningful things with people, even a therapist, if its not the right one. Talking a lot =/= opening up.
+a lot, and the same.
we went to couples therapy and found it very helpful. agree that at least for us it did not exacerbate problems, but more like it brought certain issues to light. i would go again in a heart beat
We just got through 10 sessions of therapy and I feel like it really helped. We weren’t having trouble communicating; we were having problems with one specific issue that the therapist helped us talk through. It turns out the issue was related to stuff that happened to each of us in childhood that we hadn’t ever explored. We explored it, we came to an agreement about how to handle it, and I’m hopeful we know how to deal with the issue if it re-emerges in the future. I feel like we learned a lot about each other in therapy that we might not have explored otherwise. So, I think, go for it – try at least three sessions, it took three sessions for us to figure out it was helping – and see what happens.
Couples therapy saved my marraige.
Well, I went with an ex and it helped us realize the relationship wasn’t meant to be and we ended things. I consider that a success, personally, because I’m so much happier now than I ever was then.
Went for 10 years before getting a divorce. In my case it didnt work because I was doing all the family work and making all the money, and he was an addict (and, I later learned, cheating on me) so no amount of talking could fix that. But when I finally did divorce it made me feel a lot better about it (I certainly tried).
Anyone know Miami? Family trip with various age groups. Older members of the group want a walkable area but I know they are already nervous re “safety.” I’m thinking something like Coral Gables near Miracle Mile may fit the bill – walk to Starbucks/dinner; looks kind of upscale(correct me if I’m wrong)? Any places like that near/on the water? How’s Coconut Grove? How about Miami Beach itself – is that going to be too loud and artsy for folks who like clean and upscale? We’ll be out and about around town but I know if we end up staying someplace with a tattoo parlor across the street, some folks will go on about how it isn’t safe, won’t want to go walk around etc. thoughts?
Miracle Mile in Coral Gables would certainly work. Coconut Grove if you’re staying right near the main area (intersection of Grand Ave and Main Hwy) is one of my favorite areas of Miami for walkability and diversity of shops/restaurants. That said, if you stray too far away from that central area you get into the less desirable areas of Coconut Grove. However, if you’re looking for a nice area for them to take a short walk out of their hotel to a coffee shop or restaurant, it would fit the bill. Depending on when you’re going, I might stay away from a hotel on South Beach. It can be a mixed bag of young partying tourists. If your group is sensitive to safety and overly critical, I probably wouldn’t recommend downtown or Brickell. Although I think they are beautiful areas with great views of the water, the perception is that they are not as safe.
I have a team member T (reports to me) who has had the following issues:
– He did not turn up for team meetings twice in a row, even though I had specified we would all go around the room and talk about projects. When directly asked one of the times, he muttered something about having gotten a call from his bank about a fraudulent charge. Another time, I didn’t ask but just told him he needs to make it. These meetings are scheduled in advance.
– He blows hot and cold. At times he is friendly, jovial and joking. At other times, sullen. When I ask a work related question, he responds monosyllabically. This doesn’t seem correlated to anything I said. Another team member has remarked casually about “being afraid to ask T when he’s in one of his moods” – I know she’s not really afraid, but just gives him a wide berth. No outbursts, just sullenness. The sullen phases could last a few days. Another example was he shared that he was taking time off to go to X city, and asked for recommendations, but in a follow up conversation when I asked if he’s all set for his trip to X city, he was sullen and mumbled something about not going. It’s hard to know what to expect.
– He gets overwhelmed with tasks and has dropped the ball a couple times. I’ve asked to get warning when he isn’t getting to projects, and to get bad news early. Part of this is being bad at time management, and doing things in a long winded way, asking others outside the team their opinions about how to approach things etc.
– Isn’t assertive with other teams. For example, if we were a tax department and he had to figure out timing of a tax payment, he would go and ask an accounting team what would be the best time to record the journal entry on the tax payment. I have emphasized that some things are decisions by the Tax team, and we shouldn’t be ruled by when Accounting team wants to record the payment, that’s letting the tail wag the dog. They have to record it once we’ve paid it. We have to figure out when to pay by reading the docs, or ask me if it isn’t clear.
– Is overly collaborative in this way e.g. asks team A and team B and if they give different preferences (dont pay now, or pay in this currency preferably) it will put him into paralysis situations.
– Asks for new responsibilities, but then drops the ball on current responsibilities, or new ones – basically is afraid to go outside his comfort zone and often that ends in asking people or paralysis.
Some of this was corrected when we sat down and talked about how to address, he came up with a plan to send me a list of his tasks and update that every week etc. But he still needs a lot of handholding and I don’t trust him not to let things slip again.
I think I’ve answered my own question – he needs more micromanagement, so if I don’t have the time I need to layer someone else in my team above him. This is complicated by the fact I have a great intern who would be an excellent replacement for T, but it doesn’t seem fair to replace him without egregious wrongs. If he’s going through an issue I’d like to support him, but I dont have any insight.
Do not micromanage! That is counterproductive for him and makes you look bad.
Schedule an advance meeting with him. Make him aware of all of these problems in advance, via email if you have not already done so. At that meeting, walk though the problems and explain your standards. Do not justify them, just explain.
Give him time (say, three months) to work on it. Check in at regular intervals.
Loop in HR before doing the above.
I think “I have to micromanage this person more” is rarely a good solution. It sounds like y’all have met and discussed how to address some issues, but you don’t say how long ago that was. Have you given him 3 to 6 months to improve? If not, I’m not sure you’ve given him a chance to improve yet.
I’m going to be the voice of dissent here and say that you DO need to micromanage him more. Micromanaging as a word gets such a bad rep, but some people actually respond very well to it. I’m not totally sure if that’s your situation, but I have found that with people who are basically seem to not understand what their job is (or how to be a professional, which sounds a bit like your situation), it can be very helpful to show them how you manage yourself in your job.
One other thought for you: Have you directly said all of the above to him? “T, it is unacceptable that you do not show up to meetings. You 100% need to be at every meeting.” “T, I find that you are usually friendly but sometimes the complete opposite. What is going on?”
There is a difference between micromanaging and scaffolding. We have an employee who just could not perform an essential job function in an efficient and effective way (well, at all, really) because he was not taking a logical, systematic approach to what is a very complex and structured task. I started meeting with him on a daily basis to review his work and his plan for next steps. Once he started to get the hang of it we cut back the meetings to once a week, and now he is doing the work without much supervision at all. He just needed to learn how to conceptualize the task and break it down into the steps necessary to achieve the end result. Once he started to learn, I pulled back on the support. That’s scaffolding. Micromanaging is just substituting your own executive functioning for the employee’s.
I think this is just an issue of semantics. What you describe as scaffolding is exactly how I would describe good micromanaging. You lay out in detail the next steps for the employee and keep checking in at frequent intervals until they prove they can function on their own.
I would say that bad micromanaging can actually occur when you “scaffold” for someone who doesn’t need it, which makes a high performer feel like you aren’t giving them space to do what they do.
By chance does someone has a recommendation for a personal trainer in Alexandria, Virginia? Thank you!
Following! (But also, if you’re looking for a gym buddy in the next few weeks, hit me up!)
Deonte Mason and Arien Heggs, both at Xsport in Arlington/Alexandria.
If you’re more towards DC, Raul Carrion.
All extremely friendly and encouraging in addition to talented and professional guys who are friends as well as colleagues.
I do! Agnese Bekere
I have a family member that is having a new insomnia issue. He is falling asleep fine, but when he wakes up in the night, he worries that he wont fall back asleep and the worrying anxiety is keeping him up more. We have appointments with his doctors coming up, and are working on more exercise during the day, and are looking for simple behavioral things that you do at night… in the moment… when you can’t sleep. It’s mind over body that we need here…
He also has an Alexa Dot, if you have suggestions there.
He tries getting up and reading a little, but sometimes that wakes him up too much. We are trying putting radio on (music) or ocean wave sounds (which helped initially but not anymore). He is not very interested in mindfulness/breathing things in general, but is willing to try. If there is a specific Alexa Dot one that you have used that works, let me know which one. A couple of the ones I found are so new-agey he can’t bear to listen to them. He can’t access his phone easily at night but the Alexa voice commands work well for him.
Thank you.
1) The act of writing down your worries in the middle of the night gets them out of your head and you can deal with them in the morning. This works for me with work stress and to-do lists.
2) Not sure how old this family member is, but too much booze too close to bed wakes me up at 3am every time. As I have gotten older, too much booze may be even a glass of wine at 9pm
3) Exercise decreases my insomnia. Bonus points if I can get fresh air and sunlight when I do it, but really any exercise helps.
4) Sometimes a small snack before bed, say a spoonful of peanut butter, helps me sleep better.
What about the podcast, “Sleep with Me”? Per its description, it “features long-winded stories intended to put insomniacs to sleep.”
I can vouch for it’s effectiveness but my husband hates it.
I was recently listening to a Fresh Air podcast about sleep, can’t remember which one but it was in the last 2 or 3 months, and the person being interviewed had this advice about waking up in the middle of the night: sleep is about habits and associations. If you wake up in the middle of the night and toss and turn for hours, you will start associating your bed with not sleeping rather than sleeping, and your sleep will deteriorate because of the association. So, if you wake up in the middle of the night and have trouble falling back asleep, get up. He suggested reading a book in another room, or doing some other task that’s not super active. In another little while, you’ll feel tired again, and you can go back to bed and should have an easier time falling asleep. I was having trouble with that exact thing at the time I heard that advice, implemented it, and it worked for me.
I find it helpful to remember that the act of lying down and resting is almost as good as actually being asleep. I don’t have to sleep, I just have to rest. That helps me let go of the I can’t sleep anxiety.
For mindfulness meditation, look at John Kabat-Zinn – he’s very science based. His take on insomnia in Full Catastrophe Living is also interesting, IIRC – I think it is a sort of radical acceptance thing.
Thanks to all of you for your wonderful suggestions. Much appreciated.
Trazadone. Life Changing.
Someone in my family had an out-of-wedlock child with a girl from a disadvantaged background. Her sister (who is involved with the brother of a childhood friend of mine) posted an overhead picture on FB of her young teen daughter on the toilet with toilet paper in hand and her underwear down. Nothing was showing, but I thought it was inappropriate and reported it to FB and mentioned it to others in my family. FB said the photo was within their guidelines. In any case, the grandmother and uncle of this child commented that they thought it was very funny, along with many others. Am I uptight in thinking that this is inappropriate?
Unfollow and move on
You seem to want to call the girl’s mom out on being poor trash vs concern for the teen daughter.
Ugh that you had to mention “out-of-wedlock child with a girl from a disadvantaged background”
So many irrelevant details. Why does “out-of-wedlock child with a girl from a disadvantaged background” matter? Why does “her sister (who is involved with the brother of a childhood friend of mine)” matter? It seems as if you dislike these people for reasons that have nothing to do with the picture. As for the picture, I agree that it’s in poor taste, but it’s not your place to say anything. Stop mentioning it to your family members and move on.
Uh wow. So your actual question doesn’t make you sound uptight, but the way you frame it sure does. You could’ve said, ‘Someone I know posted a pic – description – that I think is inappropriate but other people seem to think its not. Thoughts?’ And we all would’ve said ew gross why would someone post that. Instead, you spend half your post distancing yourself from these people and telling us how trashy you think they are. Maybe focus less on whether you’re being judgy about this particular post and more on being less judgy overall.
Yeah this.
+1 Seriously, come on.
Sounds like you’re following this person so you can have someone to disapprove of. Unfollow and stop it.
+1
I said “out-of-wedlock” child, because what I really meant is this girl tricked my dumb family member by getting pregnant and he doesn’t like her or want to marry her. I only went to her sister’s page, because her bf’s family kept talking about/reaching out and I was curious as to who she was. She trapped my old friend’s brother with a pregnancy as well and I don’t think her family approves of this sister, either.
I am genuinely concerned about a 13 year old having her photo on the internet like this, especially when her mom and all of the mom’s friends are younger (early 30s…even the stepbf/dad is 40s) and would be interested in seeing a pic of a young Latina type girl like this. I am also concerned about this baby that I’m related to possibly being sexually abused in the future if this is the type of culture that the mother’s family is from.
Even the grandmother seems to have 50 kids from 15 to 40 from who knows how many men. She was also recently arrested for shoplifting and is an alcoholic.
This response makes you seem way worse. Suggest that you spend less time worrying about this family and more time trying to be less awful.
P.S. – there’s no such thing as ‘tricking’ a man into a pregnancy. He doesn’t want to have a baby with someone then he needs to wear protection everytime or abstain. It’s on him.
Oh yeah, I’m the “awful” one. Watch this…the sister’s family is also very racist. Like hood wearing racist. How do you feel about them now? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
PS-I damn well know that. But seems like too many men in this world don’t get it and listen to women when they say they are taking care of things.
Just because they are racist doesn’t make you less awful.
PS – you apparently don’t know it ‘damn well’ if you are blaming these women. Wrap it up or abstain. Period.
“young Latina type girl like this” Please! You can’t trick a many into pregnancy. Reconsider your perspective, you are showing yourself to be a ridiculous human being.
Well, we all know those girls are more appealing to men. Ask your brother/bf/husband if you don’t believe me. It’s like like the little chunky dorky white girl with braces many of us were.
I sense many of you are salty about my comments because you come from a similar background and are looking for so called “dog whistles”. No judgement to you and your mom, I’m just seriously concerned about the potential for abuse here. Apparently 1 in 5 children are sexually abused from what I heard on the radio today so…
“we all know those girls are more appealing to men”
literally what
Protip: men are individuals who have varying preferences
Another protip: you don’t have to be from a “similar background” to find your way of talking about these people disgusting, and you don’t have to be a dog or do much looking to hear these whistles, which are loud and clear.
This. Is. Not. Your. Business.
I’m talking about white people and you are black (obv) and you still think I’m being racist. Goes to show how out of it people are today.
Can’t talk about out of wedlock children without being racist because I guess some have that market cornered.
This is not the kind of post you make or reply you give if you’re truly concerned about this child.
“this girl tricked my dumb family member by getting pregnant and he doesn’t like her or want to marry her.”
Then he shouldn’t have banged her, and especially shouldn’t have done so without a c*ndom.
Hey, in my book it’s OK to not like people for doing absolutely nothing to further their and their offspring’s futures and living generally useless self-destructive lives (like the people you describe above). And yet, there’s nothing you can do about it or we would live in a better world where people wouldn’t procreate thoughtlessly and take suggestive photos of their teenage daughters. Scoff and move on. You can reach out to the kid when she’s 18 and try to be her sensible aunt.
and BV in general gives me flashbacks to my huaraches phase where I also seemed to thing that shopping at Pier One made me all sorts of exotic.
It was junior high though. Please forgive me.
And I saw recently that huaraches are back.
Long shot: can anyone in the DMV area recommend a good flea market? I’m looking for an inexpensive piece of furniture to paint and distress and use for storage. I desperately miss the sprawling, affordable flea markets I grew up with (in an area where real estate is significantly cheaper than around here ;) ).
MV Big Flea is a fundraiser for an elementary school in Del Ray. There’s a big sale in April and some weekend hours are their staging warehouse before (which is close to the Target at Potomac Yards). Details on their facebook page – MV Big Flea.
Have you been to Community Forklift?
Not a flea market, but the Delaware Furniture Exchange in Newark DE might have what you’re looking for. It’s a huge warehouse with pieces of various ages and quality. I got a nice china cabinet from there for something like $150. This was maybe 10 years ago though.
Second Chance in Baltimore might have something. http://www.secondchanceinc.org/
Not sure how inexpensive you’re looking for, but I’ve had good luck shopping at Nadeau Alexandria, and those pieces may come painted and pre-distressed looking.
There have been multiple posts lately where the advice is: just where a leather (maybe moto) jacket! And, I love this idea.
Question–where in the world would you find a good quality, but not insanely expensive, leather moto jacket? Anyone up for some vicarious shopping this afternoon? Budget $200 or less…
Nordstrom Rack! Usually has 400+ jackets for 50% off and more
Like these:
https://www.nordstromrack.com/shop/product/2333607/blanknyc-denim-studded-leather-jacket?color=BLACK%20SMOKE
https://www.nordstromrack.com/shop/product/2206465/doma-belted-leather-moto-jacket?color=BLACK
https://www.nordstromrack.com/shop/product/1775437/muubaa-cowl-neck-zip-jacket?color=BLACK
Regular Nordstrom also has a ton of options. The BLANKNYC one I got was less than $100, real suede. I know it’s insane the number of options at Nordstrom but just sort by price to limit the pool!
I bet I have that same jacket. With, like, a belt at the waist?
No belt! For some reason I really hate the belt so one reason this jacket was perfect for me is because it had all the moto trappings minus the belt. I think because I’m petite the belt overwhelms me. Kind of like how today’s pick would be bad for me because the low part of the high-low blazer would cover my butt and look like a tail. :/
Haha I get it!
Unsolicited advice (also yes yes yes get an LJ!)… you might want to get a fake LJ or other-material moto type jacket that’s cheaper than the real deal if you’re not sure what cut etc. you’re after. I don’t want you to be out $200 and have a jacket you only sort of love.
Also also, I live somewhere that’s often too warm for a real LJ, but I get yearround wear out of my waxed denim moto jacket — mine is like this but 6 years old and from H&M: https://www.nordstromrack.com/shop/product/2297458/eileen-fisher-waxed-moto-jacket?color=BLACK
Aaand for those of you following along at home, I just bought myself that jacket! [money flying away emoji]
This is such a great response. [crying laughing emoji]
This jacket IS tempting, especially for short waisted me . . .
Anyone have reqs for an LJ that’s NOT a moto? Motos just aren’t flattering on me, but I still want a cool jacket!
Oops, should be “recs”, not “reqs”. Too much typing about “requisitions,” lol
What’s your build like? What shapes are you trying to avoid?
I like the angled zip/lower neck on a moto jacket because my b0obs are huge. But I think that jackets with a straight up and down zip can be super cool (just not on me)! Hmm lemme find some links.
So pretty
https://www.nordstromrack.com/shop/product/1957404/cole-haan-leather-moto-jacket?color=BLACK
There must be something wrong with me because I think this is pretty cute: https://www.nordstromrack.com/shop/product/2158285/blanc-noir-vintage-faux-suede-velvet-reversible-bomber-jacket?color=GREY%2FGREY
Ooooh, thank you! That’s more what I’m looking for :) Moto jackets always make me look boxy. I have a larger bust and hips and a thinner waist, but if the jacket is unzipped, it just hangs straight from bust to hips and adds about another 20-30 lbs. It would be nice to have something that had shape even when unzipped.
I have a black leather blazer that I get a ton of use out of. Alas I got it at a thrift store 10 years ago so can’t give you a link, but it’s another shape to search on.
I currently work at a small litigation firm (about 20 attorneys) and am about a 3rd to 4th year associate. I generally enjoy the litigation work I do (mostly personal injury and employment) and get along well with my boss.
I’ve recently started thinking about trying to move to a bigger firm for several reasons. In part, I want to switch practice areas. I represent a lot of police officers and while the majority of my practice is great, I do not really enjoy representing officers and do not see that as a great niche area for me long term. In part, I’m attracted to the resources of a bigger firm. My firm does not have case management software. We also do not really have formal benefits or paid leave. (A bigger firm would also pay much more.) I also want somewhere with more of a “culture.” I still haven’t spoken to several of the people in my firm more than once even though I’ve been here almost three years.
I am also planning on TTC in about two years. I feel like if I move, it needs to be now. While I think my current boss would be helpful in terms of allowing me flexibility in having a child, since my firm doesn’t have any sort of formal sick leave or maternity leave policy other than STD, it would still be difficult.
DH thinks I should stay at my current job and has kind of taken a “if it’s not broken don’t fix it” approach. I am also concerned I’m looking to leave for the wrong reasons. I graduated in the recession and have always felt like I could have ended up at a more “prestigious” firm in a better market and feel like I should take the opportunity for something more “prestigious” if I can get it. I’m concerned that I’m more moving for the sake of moving than anything else… though part of this is that my current job has just never really felt like a “forever” job to me. I am also concerned that I would leave and “fail” at a job at a bigger firm. I could likely make partner fairly easily at my firm. My partner has already started having me run my own cases, etc., whereas I know that would not be the case at a bigger firm. Thoughts?
Honestly, you’ve laid out a lot of good reasons to move and not a lot of good reasons to stay – you don’t like the practice and don’t see it changing, you’re under-resourced, the office culture isn’t what you’re looking for, and the benefits aren’t good. That doesn’t sound like moving for the sake of moving to me.
Thanks! Since I’m still pretty early in my career, the majority of my friends have only changed jobs when something was terrible, so my wanting to leave just because I feel “meh” about my firm and I think I can find something better sounds weird to them. And then everyone I talk to that is significantly older (parents, etc.) essentially think that I should stay put and be having babies. (I’m in a mid-size city in the South.) So I haven’t exactly had a great sounding board for this!
Agree with cbackson. Make the move! There sounds like lots of things that are broken – and those fixes are the norm at a lot of firms so go work for one of them!
You are in the prime window of marketability. At a minimum, see what’s out there and if you decide to stay, at least you will be making that decision based upon due diligence.