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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 285 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Gathered Waist Side-Tie Top

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Readers turned me on to this fun side-tie top a few days ago (I think the kelly green version was shared as a possible option for a St. Patrick's Day party), and I love it — it looks polished and professional, while still comfortable and easy to wear with different bottoms. It's $49 at Nordstrom, available in five colors (this is the only print), sizes XS-XL for regular and petite sizes. Gathered Waist Side-Tie Top This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.  

Sales of note for 9.30.24

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About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. AIMS

    Curious: is anyone deleting their FB accounts over what happened with Cambridge Analytics? If you are, are you really surprised by what happened or is this just the last straw, so to speak? I’m seeing all these stories about users deleting accounts but wondering if this really a thing.

    • Anokha

      I haven’t deleted my account (…yet), but I did go in and update my app settings (I.e., disabled all apps that I had given access to FB)

    • Anokha

      Haven’t deleted FB (yet), but did go into my privacy settings and delete all the apps that had access.

    • Anonymous

      I have never used FB for any purpose other than viewing my kid’s summer camp photos, and don’t even log in except during that one week of the year. I have always had serious privacy concerns about FB and am not at all surprised about the Cambridge Analytica incident. I am now considering deleting the account entirely just to be on the safe side.

    • Anon in NYC

      I am not / also not that surprised that this data mining occurred. I’m not the most knowledgeable tech person, but I never sign into apps with my facebook account because I knew that doing so allowed the apps to scrap your data. I rarely/never take those quizzes going around, and I never install those “frames” for your profile pic. IIRC, there was a similar issue after one of the Paris attacks where people downloaded a “frame” to add to their profile pic and then those users data was collected in some manner. Also, if you’re switching from FB to Instagram…well, FB owns Instagram.

    • Walnut

      Nope. I’m fully aware that whatever I post online is likely visible to a wide audience, regardless of privacy assurances. I’m far more at risk in the event of a gmail breach than I am for facebook, to be honest.

    • Anonymous

      I’m considering it, but mostly likely will probably do nothing. I have a friend who works as a senior in house counsel for a company that deals in all this “Big Data” and I think unless you don’t ever use any social media programs ever, you’re sort of SOL. I have learned through her that even the coupons you get from the US Postal Service when you move are tracked and they use that data to send other targeted advertisements. So, when you move and you use the coupon USPS sent you for 20% off at Lowes, then the data is that someone who lives in X zip code shops at Lowes.

      This is obviously a small piece of data, but combine it with other pieces of data, then soon there’s a pretty clear picture about you and your habits.

    • Anon

      Idk, I just figured “people/They” always had my data and were using it for Purposes already. I don’t actually expect FB to keep my stuff private – private in that I’m hidden from regular people, yes; private from “Them”? Nah. So evil mega conservatives, go ahead and draw whatever conclusions you’d like…about that really cute video I posted of my dog playing in the snow on Wednesday.

      • Anonymous

        +1

        I’m completely apathetic about it and I know that’s sad and scary and we’re living in 1984, etc, but meh.

        • Monday

          The Equifax breach really brought me to this conclusion. You can be super fastidious in every area of your life, but unless there was no credit information on you, you were subject to be a victim in that instance. It’s very difficult to function in society without having a credit profile, and you never get to choose who carries that information. It’s terrible, but since seeing that I go a little easier on myself with data management because I feel pretty fatalistic about breaches.

      • pugsnbourbon

        Same. I hope the FBI guy who watches through my webcam doesn’t judge me for all the true crime media and HGTV I consume, but what can you do.

        • Senior Attorney

          Yep. And at least the people at Amazon are getting a little old-age audio porn via the Alexa in our bedroom…

        • AIMS

          I mean not to be all tinfoil hat but you could just cover your webcam? I do :)
          (For anyone interested, they sell these small little retractable covers you just slide on and off, or you could just put a band aid/piece of tape on it).

          • Anonymous

            I don’t know if anyone else saw the news about the criminal who was watching people from their webcams for more than a decade before he was caught. It’s a worst case scenario in terms of what he was interested in seeing. I feel that people who tape over their webcams are fully vindicated.

    • SC

      I’m thinking about it. It’s more of a “last straw” kind of thing. I don’t get a lot of positives out of my FB habit anyways, and I know my time could be better spent. I’ve always known they were making money off my data, but I hadn’t given serious thought to the positive and negative implications–I figured it was more for product ads and hadn’t thought about political content.

    • anon a mouse

      It’s the primary communication method for the parents group at daycare, otherwise I would have deleted already. I deleted any third party apps and basically stopped posting about a year ago. At our next parents meeting I’m going to see if we can move to a different platform.

    • Cat

      I don’t share anything other than occasional vacation photos (after we’re home) and happy birthday wishes, but I did take the opportunity to explore all the privacy and app settings and adjust things I didn’t even know existed to be more restrictive. I guess I never really trusted Facebook to begin with so I’m not that surprised…

    • Anonymous

      Does anyone have a link that describes how to update the settings for linked apps in bulk? Ideally from the app?

    • Anonymous

      I don’t use any social media. I don’t understand why anyone would want strangers to know anything about them. If you put your data out on the internet it’s not private. There shouldn’t be an expectation of privacy.

      • parents

        +1

        I guess I’m an old, but I am so glad I never went down the social media rabbit hole.

        I would never want strangers (or even people I am not currently social with) to know information about myself. It is amazing to me that people are so willing to put info about themselves out there that will live forever…..

      • AIMS

        I don’t use it either but I get why people do even if they are more privacy minded. It’s just become the default method of communication so you can miss out on a lot of things. I don’t really feel like I’m misssing out too much because my actual friends just make the effort to get in touch with me via other means but I am probably missing out on building some new relationships with people I ‘sort of’ know (e.g., cousin in law who lives cross country or whatever that I otherwise only see every other year) or to meet new people in similar life situations (because I’m not joining, say, the local new moms group on FB).

        The thing that I really hate about this though is that your expectation of privacy isn’t some static concrete thing, it’s whatever we as a society expect it to be. So the fact that this is now just accepted makes it harder to demand anything different. I don’t mind that so much in terms of marketing but legally it bothers me.

        Anyway, interesting to read the different perspectives.

      • anon

        It’s not really for strangers, it’s for people you know. Plus, you’re typing on a blog chat space (albeit as Anonymous), so Kat can figure out your IP address and location pretty easily, so you’re not as safe as you may assume.

    • Anon

      I had an unhealthy addiction to FB anyway, so I deleted the app (but not my account – yet). However I seem to have replaced that addiction with an addiction to this site!

    • Anon

      I know Facebook will do anything they want with any information I give them. I do try to minimize the passive data collection by disabling the Facebook apps on my phone. If I need to access a Facebook message someone sent me on my phone, I’ll open it in a mobile browser that blocks advertising at the mbasic URL.

      • Anon

        Does the messenger app essentially serve the same data collection purpose as the facebook app?

        • Anon

          I can only assume; the permissions are broad, and I know how Facebook’s business model works. Even CandyCrush does some pretty hardcore data collection. I think it’s a difficult temptation to resist once the opportunity presents itself.

    • Anonymous

      I didn’t delete and probably won’t, but I did follow a set of instructions I found online for making their ad-tracking of me as useless as possible.

  2. Ellen

    Yay Kat! I love this top, and since it’s Fruegel Friday, I will get it at Nordstrom’s tomorrow when I go up to visit ROSA and the Kid’s! She is haveing me over to start prepareing stuff for the holiday–she has become a real housewife for Ed now that they are on good terms. She thinks that mabye his going to the gentelmen’s club and being caught actually HELPED their marrage. I am not sure how, but she says he now is walking around thinking of HER first, kind of the way a dog who knows it was wrong to make on the carpet does when you yell at him.

    Whatever, that is great for them. I just do NOT want my husband doeing anyting with a stripper, with or without his pant’s on, b/c I do NOT want to catch any kind of STDs he might bring home. I want us to be a serius couple, and have our Kid’s early so that I can focus on them. Of course I would be there ONLEY for my man, when he comes home from work at night, but during the day, I would be JUST like Rosa — facials, zumba, personal trainers, lunch with our freind’s, etc. I could have a great life if I could just live in Chapaqua. FOOEY! If anyone in the hive knows a man who wants a wife and kids and a house in Chapaqua, please share him with me so that we can connect! I am over 36 years old so I do NOT have alot of time to start a family. HELP!!!!!

  3. anon

    I’m looking at a leather jacket made by Muubaa. I’ve never heard of the brand before- can anyone else comment on quality?

    • Anonymous

      Never heard of that brand before, but the name just makes me think “la la la.”

    • Shopaholic

      I had one. It was good quality but honestly wasn’t super flattering on my figure (it was a bit bulky on me). If the fit is great for you, I think it’s probably great. It was a good starter jacket for me to figure out what I wanted!

  4. Newhousespendings

    Good morning! We bought a new house (not our forever home in the suburbs of an HCOL city) that has been recently reno’d but I still want to change SO many things. A couple of days back there was a discussion here where folks had mentioned how they don’t want to spend money on anything they can’t take with them. Am I being stupid to consider spending around 50k in things that are not structural, not “needed” but will bring me much happiness and can potentially be justified as increasing the home value: painting floors, adding deck, landscaping, adding windows etc. Appreciate any thoughts and experiences.

    • Anonymous

      I think the key here is to be strategic, and to balance what will bring you joy and happiness while living there v what there will be a return on. You need to know your market, but painting seems an obvious yes. Deck, probably; windows, maybe. Were you represented by a realtor in the purchase? If so, they are often excellent at telling you which types of spend will give a return v which you might have to say were done not to increase the household value, but your own personal enjoyment.

      • Aggie

        This. Also research tax incentives in your area. My windows were awful, but I was not certain replacing them would increase the future market value. However, I found a tax credit for energy efficient windows to justify my cost. Years later, it has significantly reduced my electric bill…to the point that the windows have paid for themselves.

    • Scarlett

      Come sit by me. I think making your home a beautiful place you want to be in is absolutely worth it. I believe I earn money to enjoy my life and if part of that is having a nice home, spend the money on it. Also, as someone in a HCOL area, unless you’re planning to leave the area entirely, you’ll probably stay there a lot longer than you think now.

      • Sunshine

        Agreed. We moved into a new-to-us home just about a year ago and have done some decorating that isn’t absolutely necessary but it brings me such joy. We haven’t had to do anything structural, but we would if it was “worth it” to us.

      • Senior Attorney

        Amen. In an HCOL, $50K is an entirely reasonable amount for “happiness” projects.

        • Senior Attorney

          Also, most of the things you listed will definitely increase the value of your home.

    • Anonymous

      You realize yesterday’s discussion was in the context of renting, right? This is such a stupid question.

      • Not OP

        PLEASE read the thread properly, there were similar opinions from non-renters too. Also calm down and learn to be nice. Calling internet strangers stupid early in the morning is 1 less thing we can do without in this world.

      • Be Nicer

        It’s comments like this that make me wish Allison Green (ask a manager) ran the threads. Sigh.

    • Batgirl

      For me, the answer would depend on how long I think I will be there and whether it would add value to the house. But I am also probably not in your income bracket. For me, I would have to know I was staying at least 7-10 years to put $50K into a recently renovated house because it seems unlikely you’d get much back for your money. But everyone has their priorities and if it’s in your means, go for it.

      • pugsnbourbon

        +1. Also not in your income bracket but have been looking into some home projects. In terms of increasing value, updating kitchens and bathrooms are the best bet. But if other changes make you happy and you can afford them, go for it.

    • tesyaa

      Renovations get old fast (especially if there are kids there is a lot of wear and tear), so don’t count on recouping the cost, but I agree it will make your life more pleasant so go for it if you can afford it.

      • Anonymous

        But landscaping is forever.

        Planting a deciduous tree now is much less expensive than planting a 5-year old tree 5 years from now. Plus, if it is west-facing, will save you $ on summertime cooling and make your house more pleasant overall.

        • Senior Attorney

          Yes! I planted a little tree in my west-facing back yard just three-and-a-half years ago and I was so thrilled when I went back after my tenants moved out and discovered how big it had gotten!

        • Anonymous

          Just make sure you plant it with anticipation of how big it will get (roots, canopy, etc.). I’ve got a (really small/skinny) maple to remove because it’s going to be coming up between 2 powers lines AND a clothes line. Very odd placement – so I’m taking it out now vs 3 years from now.

    • Anon

      Depends on what you mean by “not our forever home.” If you’ll be there 5 years or less, then I would be a bit more choosy. If you’re talking 10 years or longer, go for it. You deserve to enjoy the space you’re in.

      I hate the HGTV mentality that people fix up a house when they’re trying to sell it. If the bathroom was so horrible, you could have redone it 5 years ago and actually enjoyed it while you were there. Or if the windows are drafty, you could have saved on heating/ cooling bills for years. (Obviously if money is a factor, this doesn’t apply. But on HGTV these people almost always have a giant budget and a house stuffed to the gills but complain about how they never used the yard because it’s all weeds, and I shake my head every time.)

      • Senior Attorney

        Right? As a buyer, I’d much rather you leave that bad bathroom alone and let me remodel it to my taste instead of fixing it up as cheaply and faddishly as possibly on your way out the door!

    • Anonymous

      Of course it’s not foolish, it’s important to make a home your own. Have realistic expectation of what kind of value the money will add. Adding windows, custom closets, deck, will add some value. Painting a floor, eh, maybe not. I think a mindset that you need to be able to take it all with you is not very realistic or practical.

    • C2

      I’m team spend the money to make yourself happy if it’s reasonable and you can afford it. How long have you lived in the home? Have you moved in yet? I’d create a list of your high priority items and start doing them seasonally. Now is the time to book a contractor for a spring deck build so you can use it all summer, and it’s time start thinking about your landscaping (curb appeal is typically worth the $).

      For interiors, I recommend living in the space for a little bit to figure out what you really must change to be happy as you establish patterns in your new space. You may want to consult an interior designer to help arrange your furniture, develop a paint color palate, select rugs and a few new furniture pieces to tie your existing items together in your new space, and help you make your new house functional in the way you want it to be.

    • Walnut

      How recently have you purchased? I try to put a minimum of 3-6 month pause on house upgrades unless they are truly essential. In my last house, galvanized pipes that were restricting the passage of hot water to my shower were replaced immediately, kitchen sink/garbage disposal/counters were replaced around the six month mark and added a deck maybe around 18 months? There are plenty of other changes we ended up not making because they didn’t end up bothering us after we lived there for awhile.

    • RatherBePainting

      Like most/many of us on the forum, work is stressful. Life is crazy. Balance is nearly impossible. It makes it SO much better to come home to a beautiful house that I love. Invest in your home if it brings you joy.

    • Anonymous

      Like others have said, it all depends on how much you value each of those items. Personally, I would pay to have the place painted because that’s important to me. And, if you have it done well, then the walls are well prepped to change the color in a room down the line (say, in a kids room). My husband values really good landscaping, but I don’t think everyone does… and landscaping can very, very quickly cost a small fortune.

      For me, a must do is the closets/storage spaces. I think the Elfa system from the container store is worth every penny (and then some). It makes each area so much more efficient and usable.

      Overall, I value a really nice, well maintained, good looking house. This objective can cost quite a bit of money, but to me it is worth it.

    • anon

      If it’ll make you happy and you can afford, I say go for it. But since you are planning on moving at some point, I’d research where you can get the most bang for your buck and go for styles that have staying power.

      I personally will probably live in my house forever so it is super important to me to pick out things I truly love vs what’s marketable when we sell. Your strategy may be different since you know you don’t want to stay there.

    • Torin

      Painting seems like a regular maintenance thing for me, so I don’t count that as spending extra money on the house. To an extent, so is landscaping. Unless you’re out there planting something exotic or ripping up your entire yard and replanting it, some degree of work and money is going to need to go into the lawn and plants.

      The deck and windows are both more major projects and not in any way routine. That said, I added a deck to my house after moving in and have sat out there for so, so many hours. I do not regret spending that money. But adding a window sounds like a _major_ project (you’d have to demo part of the exterior wall!) and I probably wouldn’t undertake something like that in a house I knew I wasn’t going to live in long-term.

      tl;dr $50k sounds like a lot to me, and I’d probably focus on a few of those projects not all of them.

    • Sarabeth

      We’re in a somewhat similar situation; we own a house that we’d *like* to be in forever, but I’m an untenured academic, so there’s a reasonable probability that we’ll have to sell and move to a new city in 4 years.

      We’re doing significant renovations, but with an eye to value. We are putting in a whole new kitchen (the current one is well beyond dated) and updating the main bath. We should get most of the money back from those projects.

      We’re also doing a few things that won’t have as good of a return if we sell, but will add lots of value in the interim. For us, this means putting a functional wood stove in where there is currently a non-functional fireplace, and insulating the sunroom so that my husband can use it as a year-round office space. We really love fires, and insulating the sunroom will save us $150/month in coworking space rent.

      Finally, we have a list of things that we’ll do only if I get tenure. This is stuff like add a driveway so we have off-street parking, add a half bath on the main floor, etc – things that would be nice in the longterm, but won’t add enough value in the short term (either resale value or quality of life improvement) to be justifiable in a four-year timeframe.

      So, I guess what I’d say to you is that you should talk to a realtor and do anything that make financial sense, then pick one or two “luxuries” that you really really want. But maybe don’t do everything on your list for a house you’re not planning on being in longterm.

      • Sarabeth

        Also, lesson for next time – if you are the type of person who wants to turn your house into your own personal vision of perfection, it might be cheaper to buy a fixer upper so that you don’t have to undo someone else’s decisions. Can’t tell how much this applies from your original descriptions, but after owning two houses, my husband and I have faced this reality about ourselves. While we SAY that we want to buy a move-in-ready house, in fact we don’t like anyone else’s taste enough to move in to a kitchen that someone else designed. Better to buy the house that needs work, and end up with the specifications that we want.

    • OP

      Thank you everyone, this is all super helpful! Yes, I’d love to stay in this house forever, but not sure if my job will allow me to. Also the reason I am questioning the deck and the landscaping (35k!!) is because we are somewhere where half the year it gets cold and snowy. i’d love to enjoy the other half outdoors though. I did save a lot on furniture and interior decoration is how I have been justifying this to myself :)

      FWIW I may not actually be in a higher income bracket than people who commented (I am usually shocked at the big numbers whenever we have salary discussions on this s1te . We are DINK with HHI of about 220/yr.

      • parents

        You are in the higher income bracket. Even more so as DINK.

        Fix the house. Enjoy.

      • Porchin' It

        In my opinion, doing things to make the outdoors more enjoyable is SO worth it, even if the weather is only nice half the year. I’m in a similar climate, and last year we screened in our porch and put this gorgeous tile that looks like wood planks down, and I live out there when the weather is warm. I’m dreaming of margs on the porch right now, if only it would warm up! Instant boost in quality of life. We’re doing some fun landscaping this year, too.

    • Frugal yet understand

      I’m pretty frugal yet I only cringed when ripping out “the most expensive” granite you can buy from a kitchen to replace it with a white Silestone product. It was really dark and had a waterfall edge and I desperately wanted a light color with a knife edge. If one more person described the rarity of this granite, I may have screamed (measurer, installer, etc.) I get it. I really do.

  5. Anon

    i know that this has been asked on this site a thousand times and I tried searching the archives, but couldn’t find it. what is the site that people have recommended for finding a therapist? particularly someone who does CBT?

  6. Anon

    Any recommendations for non-leather moto jackets, preferably in beige, cream, or light peach? (I seem to think that CountC had a recommendation for one, but cannot recall the brand.)

      • Anon

        I ordered this and ended up returning it, the fit was very weird – too long sleeves, too wide around the waist. Sizing down didn’t fit around my bust or my arms. It looked and felt like it was meant to be a shrug for a much taller/ bigger person.

        I like the option below, and it’s roughly the same price. But oh the description! “…Wear it with jeans and a tee or add some edge to an ’90s inspired slip dress.” I’m dying at adding some edge to a 90s slip dress, I lived through that the first time. I’m totally imagining those awful slip dresses with tshirts underneath and two mini-buns in your hair, with some butterfly clips for that extra sass. Imagining you were Gwen Stefani and singing “Spiderwebs” while you waited for your ride to show.

        I’m old.

        • cbackson

          …so that was basically what I wore for all of high school, yes.

          Maybe add a vintage army jacket, and Steve Madden chunky heeled black Mary Janes.

        • cat socks

          I’m old too. I wore a slip dress with a shirt underneath for my high school graduation party.

          I was considering getting the Old Navy jacket, so thanks for the feedback about sizing. I’m 5’0″, so I was considering the petite size. Maybe if there’s a good deal on it.

    • Pompom

      Steinmart (of all places…) has a few cheap but decent looking Bagatelle faux suede/leather open soft moto jackets in all sorts of colors.

  7. TTC woes

    I am 33 and have been trying to get pregnant the old-fashioned way for 2+ years with no luck. H’s boys are slow swimmers, but I feel like it still should have happened by now. But I am a bit conflicted – on the one hand I want kids because I have a lot of love to give, and I want my parents to have more grandchildren. But on the other hand, pregnancy does not sound fun, and I sometimes doubt I will be able to handle all of the emotions that go along with raising a child. Anyone have advice?

    • Lana Del Raygun

      Pregnancy is not (always) fun, but you will probably be able to handle it and the attendant emotions. You’ve probably done a lot of other un-fun, emotional things in your life, right? I don’t know anyone who regrets having kids based on how bad they felt during pregnancy (including women who had HG or gestational diabetes.) If you want kids, it’ll almost certainly be worth it in the end. Remember that a lot of child-raising emotions are good and fun and joyful!

      • Anon

        I had a terrible, terribly pregnancy – 9 months of puking, 3 hospital visits, daily shots for anticoagulents, just very miserable (all while working BigLaw hours). And I love, love, love my gorgeous chubby-cheeked drooly 7 month old and can’t imagine life without her. And even with that, we are still thinking definitely 1 more, maybe a third. So, pregnancy is temporary and just a season to get through (even if, like me, you hate it).

    • Batgirl

      If any significant part of you wants to get pregnant, I’d go see a reproductive endocrinologist as soon as you can. Two years of trying is long enough to warrant a visit — there could be a very easy fix. In terms of whether you want kids or not, that’s obviously a very personal decision. It’s not for everyone — something I think I understand better now that I have a child! — but it’s also so different at every age. The pregnancy/baby phases are relatively short in the grand scheme of things so if you try to picture your life 5-10 years from now with kids around those ages and it sounds great, I would go for it, knowing that you might not love every single moment of pregnancy and baby-times (or you might, you never really know) but that in the long run it might be great for you. Good luck!

    • Anonymous

      It should have. Have you seen a reproductive endocrinologist? They’ll see you at your age after a year of trying.

    • Anonymous

      See a doctor! Also, ovulation test strips if you haven’t been using them.

    • Anonymous

      +1 to go see an RE now

      PG was a 9-month bender of awesome food and so much ice cream. It was awesome. And back when we wore suits to work, my first experience working in comfy clothes.

    • Anon

      I wonder if you’re conflicted as an unconscious means of dealing with your disappointment at not getting pregnant the “easy” way.

      I’m in my early 50s and can think of three friends off the top of my head, age range 40-55, who took an “if it happens, it happens” approach to getting pregnant, did not get pregnant, and in hindsight wish they had gone for some sort of intervention/RE type help.

      So do not be that person.

      I don’t think everyone needs to be a mom, at all, but someone who has been trying to get pregnant for two years DOES want to be a mom, and I think you need to give it everything you’ve got now, before you’re 45 and filled with regret.

      • Anon

        Agreed. It took me a long time to get pregnant and I was definitely starting to “protect” myself through saying I didn’t know if I could handle pregnancy, etc. Then it happened and (surprise) it was definitely what I wanted all along.

    • Betty

      Agree with all of the advice to go see an RE (not a regular OB). As for the not fun part/emotions part, my best analogy is to running. I am a runner; it is part of who I am and I love it. There are days where it takes every ounce of effort to put on my running shoes and actually get out on the road. It just feels so much easier to keep sitting, working, or whatever I am doing. While I am running, there are days when it hurts, runs where I just want to quit and sit on the side of the road (which I did as a kid in the middle of a race!), and where it feels like it is to just to much to ask of my body and mind. And then, there are days where it is awesome and I feel graceful and pumped and it just clicks. I am stronger and a better person because I run, and I love it and it is always worth it. Likely, on none of the days will you see me with a giant smile throwing my hands in the air a la Phoebe in friends. Parenting is a lot like that. There are days where you just want to quit, it feels like to much, and it is easier to just not engage, but parenting is worth it and I would not trade it for anything.

      • TTC woes

        Thank you to everyone who replied, this was the kick in the rear that I needed. Do you think I should get a referral for an RE from my OB, or should I find one on my own?

        • Patricia Gardiner

          It may depend on your insurance. I started out with the RE recommended by my regular doctor and wish I had done my own research first. Where do you live? You may be able to get recommendations – I highly recommend Shady Grove if you are in the DC area.

  8. Paging Commenter with Nail Trouble

    Paging the commenter from yesterday that was talking about problems with her nails – that parts of them are “lifting” and so the white parts are larger and look irregular. This started happening to me in high school and it turned out it was nail psoriasis. Only my thumbnails were affected at first, but it’s now happening to my middle and ring fingers as well, plus I have it on my big toes. It’s important to have someone look at this because one of the complications of psoriasis is psoriatic arthritis, which is common to people who have psoriasis in their nails (I have this now). I haven’t gotten on systemic medications for the psoriasis and arthritis but I will probably have to at some point. It’s also important to take good care of the nails that are affected and be careful – if they get injured, they’re more prone to coming off the nailbed entirely (that’s happened to me a couple of times) and getting fungal infections. You may just have a fungal infection in your nails but I would see a dermatologist – a good one will know right away what they’re looking at. That’s how I got diagnosed.

    • Anon

      Fellow nail pitter with moderate psoriasis here (unfortunately the worse of it is my face / elbows) and possible unconfirmed PA (we got the pregnancy-induced flare under control before I had an MRI). That combined with pregnancy and BFing makes it pretty terrible to treat. My mom has it pretty bad (been on Enbrel for 10+ years), so I can see what my future looks like.

  9. Anonymous

    Does anyone have an app they use to hold all their credit card information, that they feel is safe? I need to lighten the load I carry daily, and am giving up my purse. I carry a few retailer’s cards in case I shop online or after work – Nordstrom, etc. There must be a technology that would allow me to store that information in a way that I could safely access it if I was shopping online, or that the store could accept if I were there in person. Appreciate any ideas or suggestions from those more tech savvy than I!

    • CountC

      I don’t use it, but Google always asks me if I want it to remember my credit card information while shopping online.

      I started memorizing my credit card information in law school so I could shop online in class (yea, yea), and have both of my Amex numbers and one VISA number memorized. Not sure if that’s the route you want to go for online shopping, but it does work well for me!

      For in store, I would say Anon’s suggestion of Apple Pay, etc., is your best bet.

      • Anonymous

        LOL! I memorized a credit card number quite by accident because I used it for all of my online shopping. It came in useful the day I forgot my wallet at the grocery store and the manager let me recite the number, expiration date, and security number to pay. The person behind me in line congratulated me instead of being annoyed.

      • Anon

        Same. I usually only have one card at a time memorized but it sure comes in handy.

    • Anonymous

      For online only, you could use LastPass. I don’t know how that’d work in person, though (can stores manually input your CC info at a register?).

    • cbackson

      So right now the readily available options are going to be different for shopping online vs. shopping in person. That’s because (stories above notwithstanding), a brick and mortar store really shouldn’t (and most now will not) let you read off a CC number – it makes the transaction cost more for them, it’s less safe for you, and the recent EMV shift means that at many stores this is either no longer technologically possible or results in the store bearing all liability if you’re actually a fraudster.

      For shopping online, you can use a variety of wallets that will store this information for you. I use Dashlane; LastPass is another one. In-store, you can use mobile wallets. Samsung Pay is the most widely accepted because it works with all point of sale terminals. Apple Pay and Android Pay require that the terminal be NFC-enabled. Typically, none of the mobile wallets will work at gas pumps, FYI.

      However, I believe that Google’s new relaunched Google Pay product will both store your CC information for online purchases (so long as you’re using Chrome) and work as a mobile wallet at brick and mortar stores. I haven’t played around with it yet, but I understand that’s the idea and that would mean you only needed one solution. Again, it would only work at terminals that are NFC-enabled.

    • Eowyn

      You could use the app oPass to store all that information if you have an. It encrypts your info and allows you to prevent it from being backed up anywhere if you so choose.

    • Cat

      I don’t use any store cards regularly enough to carry them with me. If I pop in somewhere unplanned, I’ve NEVER had an issue presenting my driver’s license as ID to charge my store card.

    • KateMiddletown

      Get a card holder case. I have one from Spigen and it’s changed my life!

  10. Big meeting

    Hi hive, please help! I have a big meeting next week and want to look kick as$ (think claire from house of cards) as I’ll be the only woman under 30 disagreeing with many experts in my field (mostly old men). The problem is I haven’t had good luck with sheaths as I am short (5 feet) and apple shaped with several extra inches on my stomach and bust, so they tend to be loose around the neckline and arm holes to not be tight elsewhere. So you can see why it is so hard for me to like Claire haha. Specific links would be really appreciated. Budget is 250 for entire outfit.

  11. Anon

    I’m in the market for what my boyfriend has deemed “loung-erie” – basically, something cute and s*xy that I can wear about the apartment for a bit before things devolve into a gardening party. Currently, I have one black romper (from Aerie of all places – I think it was a swimsuit coverup?) that fits this description – it is fun, and super s*xy on me, but not absurd to have on while doing dishes or feeding the cat.

    I want to get a few more things in this vein and I’ve really struggled with online shopping to find things in this genre. Lots of stuff is way too “bedroom” or otherwise not s*xy enough for the vibe I want. Does anyone have ideas of brands or specific products? I think rompers are my fav look, but open to ideas. Willing to spend up to $100/outfit, easy purchasing/shipping to Canada a must.

    • Anonymous

      Well…it looks like aerie has some rompers on sale for $35. Could always just get a different color.

    • Marshmallow

      This may not be s*xy enough but the Cuyana PJ sets are really cute and soft– the delicate straps on the cami and the little strap across the back add some extra oomph.

    • Anon

      Google silk camisole and shorts set. Lots of options, with and without lace, and at least the cami can double as a functional cami under regular clothing.

    • anon

      I’ve always had the best luck finding this sort of thing at Marshalls / TJ Maxx (not sure if they have those in Canada, but I’m sure they have a similar discount retailer). That way you can try a bunch of styles and see what you like without spending a ton of money. I have a Nanette Lepore kimono-style robe that I got there that is very comfy and cute.

    • Anonymous

      I like Eberjey for this kind of thing. Anthropologie sells some … I’m sure other places do as well.

  12. tippins

    Try searching for “Cosabella Romper.” Lots of options from many different retailers. Soma also has pretty things in this category, plus frequent sales.

  13. Anonymous

    How have your parents become post retirement? Especially if they’re mid-late 60s/early 70s — i.e. an age where some people still work but yours chose to retire on time or early.

    Was there for a week and left feeling – sad – for lack of better words. Sad that life consists of watching hours and hours of loud soap operas from their culture (they’ve been in America for 40+ yrs so it’s not an English issue) and bickering with each other A LOT and gossiping about the relatives (who live across the country). They make pathetic statements like – I have nothing in my life but TV. Yet it’s their choice to not make friends in 40 yrs in the same town, not have hobbies like golf. They aren’t wealthy so they can’t be vacationing 4x/yr even if they wanted, yet nothing prevents them from spending a few bucks at a golf course, local town event etc. I know they want what their siblings have – both kids living close + grandkids. My sister and I are 2-3 hrs away and we don’t know if we’ll marry or have kids (not super likely given our ages). I feel bad about that but part of me is like – wait I’m not just going to randomly have a kid for your entertainment.

    Is this just how it is? Should I say/do something or let it be?

    • Anonymous

      They’re adults, they can make their own choices, and you can’t live your life according to what they want. So, it may sound harsh but you need to stay out of it.

      My mother sounds similar to your parents – no friends, very few hobbies, watches a lot of TV – and being at their house makes me sad and uncomfortable so I limit my time there.

      • Anonymous

        Not harsh. I’m looking for a sanity check and for others’ family experiences. I’ve been back for 2 days max so I always wrote off the behavior. But with 5 days there it was like – wow this is how it is all the time??

        • Anonymous

          I am similarly disappointed in my mother’s lifestyle choices. Before she retired, she was active and adventurous and would drive and hike all over the place by herself. Then she retired and moved in to take care of my “disabled” sister’s kids. Now she won’t drive anywhere that’s outside of her daily routine and even refused to join us on vacation because she didn’t want to have to navigate the airport by herself (we would have paid for everything and would even have met her at ATL–she just needed to get herself on the plane at her home airport). She is only 67.

          It makes me sad, but there’s not much I can do about it. She is an adult and has made her own choices.

          • Anonymous

            Something that’s interesting to me is that it’s not just older parents who become like this. I have a friend who is late 30’s, married with 2 kids, who used to travel a lot (studied abroad, has been all over Western Europe, parts of Asia and South America), but since having kids has mostly done only domestic travel. That’s totally fine – choices, stage of life, finances, etc. But she recently confessed to me that she wants to go on more international trips but is actually now a little scared to travel internationally. She thinks part of it is just being out of the routine of doing this – she hasn’t done so in years – but also part of it is the area where she now lives. People in her area tend to be more skeptical of international travel and she has found herself absorbing some of those views, even while not fully adopting them herself.

          • Anonymous

            Maybe it’s just the people I know but I think travel is a “use it or lose it” type thing for many. As in when they stop traveling they get REALLY anxious. A friend is like this and a 1.5 hr Amtrak trip (east coast Acela corridor which ppl take daily) stresses her out. Made the mistake once of thinking – your train is at 2, let’s get brunch that morning. She spent brunch not saying one word to me and barking at the waitress bc she had a train to catch (in 2 hrs – we were 20 min from the station). Same barking at me in the car once bc she was stressed about traffic on the way to the airport when we had 2 hrs for a flight. Suffice it to say we don’t travel together. Know another friends husband who is the same – his 1 business trip a year is torture bc of flight/hotel stress. These people are ages 35 and 40. TBH I look at them and often book a quick trip to close places like NYC to force myself to handle it.

          • parents

            Judgmental much?

            Pretty harsh.

            Travel is stressful for many (most?) people. Probably all of us have missed a train/plane at some point, and with the changes in the world and bombings and general instability that is shouted on the radios/tvs disproportionally, it is not surprising some people who have a bit more anxiety are affected.

            It is also common for some people to be less fancy free about traveling as they get older, and as they have kids. This isn’t surprising.

            Sure, some people retire and travel the world, but the vast majority of retirees do not. The vast number of retirees are not as rich, confident, healthy as those posters on this site.

            Is it really fair to put our 30-something preferences and judgment onto a 75 year old? You have no idea what you will be like when you are that age.

    • Anon

      Yep, learning to let go is the thing. They really are adults who can change things. Have you suggested, “Hey Dad, have you thought about joining the golf club?” But after tossing out that suggestion, it’s on them.

      I saw this once on Pinterest and think it applies to lots of things: “If you don’t like where you are, move. You are not a tree.”

    • Baconpancakes

      My mom is living her best life, so it’s definitely a choice they’ve made. She has a 1/4 acre garden, sells eggs, horseradish, and tomatoes to the local co-op, does historical reenacting both as a soldier’s wife and as a beardless boy sailor, runs the local sisterhood, snowshoes, rides a motorcycle with other vets, quilts, is in a walking club where they gossip viciously about their husbands, and still finds time to spend an hour a week Jewish guilting me about when I’m going to have kids.

      So, yes, the kids thing is just how it is. The boredom and TV thing is not, and can be fixed if they wanted to. You can research local walking clubs or other activities for them, and give them the information, but if they aren’t motivated to find their own entertainment, you can’t force them into it.

      • cbackson

        My mom is also living her best life, and it’s amazing because I never realized the full extent of her extroversion. She’s become an amazing painter, teaches Sunday school, swims at the YMCA daily, runs several committees at her church, makes impeccably printed signs for the various protests she participates in (nobody can perfectly letter “No Justice, No Peace” like a former kindergarten teacher), has a large circle of friends, and raises orchids. And manages to hassle me about not providing a sufficiently enriching environment for my dog, who she believes has a LOT OF POTENTIAL IF HE WOULD JUST APPLY HIMSELF, ha.

        • emeralds

          My mom is a natural introvert who also retired from a career as a teacher, and I was really, really worried that she would end up like the OP’s parents because I’d only ever seen her behavior when teaching + parenting was sucking up all of her energy. But now she has all of that mental space free, and is another one on Team Best Life: she goes to the gym, lunches with her ladies, travels, got season tickets to the symphony, joined the art museum, and takes enriching classes through a local senior’s organization.

          It’s absolutely a choice. But there’s nothing that anyone can do to make their parents get more involved.

        • Senior Attorney

          HAHA tell her you will send the dog to her for two weeks in the summer.

          One of my friends is exactly like your mom and she babysits her granddog for days at a time, and send him home much more well-behaved than when he arrived!

          • cbackson

            Ha, she is actually about to keep him for 10 days while I’m in Belgium.

            For Christmas, I got her and my dad a book on agility training and some basic agility toys and I am expecting GREAT THINGS when I return from my trip!

        • doglovah

          I kind of love your mother: puppy could definitely be placing at Westminster if he would just get serious about the pageant circuit and quit wasting time chasing squirrels.

      • Marshmallow

        Cracking up at the “living her best life” comments. My dad is not yet retired but is leaning out from work and definitely Living His Best Life– he moved closer to the beach so can surf almost every morning, follows his favorite bands up and down the East Coast, is really into elaborately smoking meats, got a dog, and travels a few times a year. I can’t wait to see what he does with his actual retirement. Meanwhile my mom (also not retired and won’t be anytime soon) is a lot more like OP’s parents– complains to me she has no friends, lives far away from her kids, etc. You can’t change them.

      • Anon

        My dad golfs every day and spends many months at a second home. Mom occasionally joins him at said second home and has started her own floral business after doing the flowers for my wedding (former med tech and then SAHM – no floral training at all). What drives me crazy is the news constantly on in the background and the “group think” when they hang out with all their similarly-leaning friends, but other than that, both seem to be enjoying retirement immensely.

        • Anonymous

          Omg, what is with the news on constantly?! My mother says the news makes her depressed but CNN is on 24/7. It drives me nuts.

    • Betty

      They are adults and making their own choices.

      As a counter-reference that shows this picture is not what retirement requires: My mom is single and has been since I was a kid. She fully retired about five years ago. Her days are full and she loves her life. She has a group of friends at the gym that she made after she retired. She does yoga, zumba and bikes. She joined a book club and hosts it at her house every couple months. She joined Rotary, and, despite initial protestations, she will be president of Rotary and is intentionally make the leadership all female for one year. She got a dog and has playdates with her pup’s best friend. She loves her solo time and reads voraciously, gardens (not in the sense of this s!te — to my knowledge), and watches HGTV. She watches my kids every Friday afternoon, and she and I grab coffee a couple of times per month. She does travel, but I think her life would be just as full if she did not. None of her activities or decisions were my or my sibling’s idea.

      All of this to say: her life is what she makes of it. It is awesome to see her living so fully, but it was her conscious decision to fill her life with what she loves.

      • Elegant Giraffe

        Thank you for sharing this. My mom has been single since I was a child and I get a lot of junk about – she divorced and stayed single so that she could provide me with a safe environment and devote all her time to me. Which, ok but I didn’t ask you to stay single. And now I get junk about – I’m single and don’t have anybody else, so I need you to meet me for dinner/help me buy plane tickets/go to my dr appt with me. It’s nice to have a reminder that she could be making different choices.

      • Senior Attorney

        Woo hoo! Rotary female presidents for the win!!

        Tell your mom to email me at seniorattorney1 at gmail and we can talk about our plans for the year!

    • Anon

      I am so sorry your parents are unhappy. Mine have had the opposite experience, but I think that a lot of it is because they moved away from where they lived pre-retirement. My mom never worked outside the home, but Dad retired at 60. They sold the house I grew up in and bought a nice property in a much smaller town, where they are much more active in the community. The change of scenery has improved both their marriage and their quality of life. My dad was miserable at his job and all their parent friends had pretty much either retired and moved away or moved away for a career change.

      If there is any way they could make a lifestyle change, I might suggest it to them if I was in your position. Otherwise, I think you just have to accept it.

    • parents

      I’m sorry this is so hard to see.

      You can’t change them, and it is common for some folks as they get older to regress in this way. Honestly, sometimes it is a sign of depression which is crazy common in the elderly and is poorly treated. Irritability, lack of motivation/interest etc… depression. Especially in men.

      However, it sounds like they were never social, and never made close friends outside the home. This is more common than you might think, and unfortunately would not suddenly change when you get older. If they didn’t make friends then, they probably wont now.

      If I were you, when visiting I would try to plan an outing or two with them. Go play golf with them, if you think they like that. Outing for lunch. A play/movie/concert/walk in the park/anything…. Never know. It might spark an interest.

      For older insular couples like this, introducing a pet/dog can sometimes do wonders.

    • Anonymous

      No answers but lots of empathy. I gave up on mentionning or emailing suggestions for different activities when they didn’t express any interest in them. I don’t understand it. I would go stir crazy at home all day. I can’t wait to be retired to take ballet lessons, improve my yoga practice, volunteer with ESL kids and attend the weekly coffee talk lecture at our state history museum.

    • Torin

      My parents are divorced and in their mid-sixties. My dad is a world traveler, my mom barely leaves her house. They have similar financial means and levels of physical health (both reasonably healthy for their ages but not extremely so). They’ve each chosen their lot.

    • SC

      I’m sorry your parents seem unhappy. To echo the comments above, you can’t change them. They’re adults making their own choices.

      But, to answer your question, it’s not always that way. My parents are in their mid-60s and retired and have full, active lives. They’re constantly busy and continue to expand their social circle. They also have old friends and family members their age visit pretty often. They’re busy probably 50-60% of the time I call. They travel frequently. Some are “big” international trips, but some are road trips in their hybrid to visit friends or family members, including us. When they are home, my dad exercises, reads, writes in a daily journal, and keeps up with what used to be his side gig. My mom keeps up with friends and makes plans and cooks and still participates in some of the professional associations. She maintains her professional license and insurance and sometimes does part-time contract work.

    • Anonymous

      Just want to tell you, you’re not alone. My parents don’t live far from me but visiting them makes me sad. They were both high achieving, high energy people and their lives seem “small” now. Which would be okay if they were happy, but they don’t seem happy. I’ve made all kinds of suggestions about joining groups, volunteering, etc. but they don’t take them. Their lives are mostly about watching TV, complaining about the neighbors and bickering with each other. It doesn’t make full retirement seem attractive.

      • Anonymous

        Op here – omg I totally agree. I hate my current job and though mid 30s, I toy with the idea of early retirement. Then I look at them – and I’m single – and realize I’d be home alone all day with my tv if I did it like them, no one to even fight with. TBH it’s making me toy with the idea of starting a business whether now or 10 yrs from now. It’ll “guarantee” that I have some place to “work” to some extent forever (bc I totally fear losing a job at 50 and never finding another).

      • Moonstone

        Yes, to the “small” comment. My parents are much older (very late 80s) and I see them every week, but now I have to come prepared with a list of things to talk about because there’s no spontaneous back-and-forth anymore.

    • Alanna of Trebond

      What is wrong with staying home and watching TV all day? That sounds awesome.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I once had a client that testified in his deposition that he did absolutely nothing in his retirement and couldn’t be happier. It is what he looked forward to his whole life and it is absolutely amazing. He knows his kids worry about him “doing nothing” but sitting at home, watching tv, reading books, staring out the window and eating all the food he wants when he wants is his idea of a great retirement. I try to keep that in mind when I think that my dad should be doing more things. He spent his whole life doing things. He deserves a break now.

      • Anonymous

        Agree with this IF the person seems happy. Some people really want to read books and look at the lawn. But if people are saying things like — I have nothing in my life but TV — I’m sorry but they’re not happy and as adults they’ve made a choice to watch TV 4 hrs a day.

    • Anonymous

      This is interesting. I am older than your parents. I had dreamed of traveling, fairly run-of-the-mill style, when I eventually retired; and then began a new travel-limiting project when my spouse died. The project will, I hope, be finished later this year, and then a-traveling I will go.

      But, and this is why I found it interesting, a couple of years ago I found myself sub-consciously limiting the types of driving I was willing to do, for reasons of just general anxiety. I had to make a conscious decision / effort to deal with this; and I am much happier and more relaxed about the driving decisions I now make.

      Perhaps an approach like this would help.

    • retirement looks fun

      My parents retired relatively young (late 50s, early 60s). They seem to be loving retirement. My dad in particular seems so much happier than when he was working. They spend more time with their siblings. They spent more time with their parents, before their parents passed away. My dad golfs almost daily (or at least goes to the driving range). My mom takes Zumba and dance classes, and goes to the gym, and walks 1-2 miles per day with a neighbor. They socialize with their friends, lunch or dinner or day trips. They’re active in their church. They volunteer with local organizations. They garden and do small renovation projects in their house. They seem to have grown closer to long-time friends who are also retired and have more time available. They visit me more (I live several hours away). They travel more in general, and take longer trips (not flying though, and they do get nervous about travelling, but they do it anyway). They help my brother (who lives nearby) care for his pets and his house. They read more and still watch tv in the evenings like they used to when they were working. They make retirement look fun and like something to look forward to. They’re both in their late 60s now, still healthy (mostly), and they’ve been retired for almost 10 years.

    • Anon

      The soap operas from their home culture does make me wonder if they’re a little homesick or nostalgic now that they’ve hit this phase of life. I think I would be, even after 40 years of adult life elsewhere.

  14. Waiting on offer

    I posted previously about a former boss who reached out to me about an open position at his current gig (he isn’t the boss there, not in charge of hiring, but would train me). He provided me with a stellar recommendation and I’ve gone in for two interviews. It’s a small-ish office so they’d like me to come back a third time and meet with everyone to make sure the fit is right (although no one seems concerned about that). I don’t have an official offer, but it certainly seems like we’re headed in that direction. Here’s the thing. I really like my current job and I wasn’t looking for a new one until my old boss reached out to me. I like my colleagues, my work, my clients, etc. Sure, my job isn’t perfect, but I have a good thing going here. The new job would mean more $$, although I work in government so not a ton, more responsibility, and a new, but related work. There also seems to be a more clear career path in the new job. Of course there is a risk that I won’t like it and I’m feeling crazy for even considering leaving a good situation. I’m still in my first “real” job and have been here for seven years so this whole changing jobs things is freaking me out. Any advice for how to figure out if leaving your current job is really the right move? A pro/con list is honestly the only thing I can think of doing.

    • AnonDC

      Flip a coin. Sit with that result. Are you relieved? Disappointed?

      From my perspective, if you’ve spent seven years at a job and the new position has a clearer career path (and gov promotions in so many agencies are currently so FUBAR), this is probably a leap you should make, unless you get a more-than-just-anxiety-rooted bad feeling about the office culture. But, it sounds like they’re taking their time and really ensuring that all aspects are a good fit, so it doesn’t seem like you’re going to forced to rush or leap blindly.

      • Waiting on offer

        Thanks for that recommendation. I will definitely give this a try. I work for a state agency and it’s switching to another agency. My husband does the same type of work and his philosophy has always been the only way to truly advance in government is to move around…which is why he makes $30,000 more than me with only a few more years of experience.

    • Ms B

      Keep in mind that the issue here is not just changing from one job to another, but progressing your career path.

      If you currently are in your first job (and I am not clear if you mean employer or position here; seven years at one employer with promotions is one situation while seven years at one employer in the same position is a whole other situation) and have been there seven years, you may be limiting your options 20 years down the road by not making a move now. We no longer live in a world where most people work only one place for their entire carer and lack of mobility often is viewed as a negative when you DO have to transition.

      • Waiting on offer

        Thank you for your thoughtful comments. To clarify, I have received several promotions with my current employer. The potential career path is really a huge draw of this new position. I have a lot of years left in my career and I agree that we no longer live in a world where most people work at one place their whole career.

  15. Professional Writing

    Good morning! Does anyone have any recommendations for resources to help people improve their professional communications? Over the years I’ve had employees that weren’t so great at sending out grammatically correct e-mails, speaking with senior leadership, etc. and I know it impacted their ability to move up in their career. I usually work with them one on one when I can, but I’d like to be able to recommend a book, online course, or something else as well. Any ideas?

    • Team Leader

      Following because I have similar needs on my direct reports and my only suggestion so far has been Toastmasters.

      • Professional Writing

        Ooh, for some reason I hadn’t even thought of Toastmasters, although I used to work somewhere that really pushed it. The particularly candidate I have in mind is very outgoing and extroverted so I think they would actually like Toastmasters a lot.

      • Professional Writing

        Thank you! I just ordered this – I figure I’ll read it and then I can offer it to folks under the guise of passing it down.

    • Anon

      There’s a course on Lynda I’ve recommended to my DRs – search “Communication Foundations.” They also have a course on executive presence which I’ve had some of them take as well. Ongoing I find Harvard Business Review often has good articles – you could encourage them to sign up for the newsletter, particularly for the “managing yourself” topic.

  16. Bulging discs

    Has anyone here successfully recovered from bulging/herniated discs? I have two (L4-L5) as the result of an injury and while a lot of for-profit spinal surgery websites seem to claim that recovery takes place in six weeks, it’s been months with no improvement. I’ve done PT sessions, am doing the PT exercises at home, I’ve seen a chiropractor, I’ve drastically changed my physical activities, and it’s still quite painful and easy to trigger to extreme pain. I’m worried this is going to be a lifelong problem and would appreciate any tips for approaching this.

    • Elegant Giraffe

      Have you seen a neurologist and an orthopedic surgeon (who specializes in the spine)? There are many courses – steroid injections, more PT, perhaps surgery. The best thing you can do (at least in my case – same two herniated discs plus one more) is walk, walk, walk. In my situation, I had to go straight to surgery. That was about a decade ago. I am so grateful for the surgery, but it wasn’t a fix all solution. I am constantly mindful of my back, my posture, what exercises I can and cannot do. And again, the best thing for me is walking. I once had a nurse tell me that for the rest of my life, I shouldn’t sit for longer than 30 consecutive minutes. While I’m not quite as strict about that as I once was, her advice was spot on.

    • Anon

      Yes. I had a HORRIBLE experience with this as a young adult. I could barely move for a month. The recovery was very slow, first walking but could not do stairs or lift anything. Very grateful for elevators. It took 5 months to get back to full mobility. What worked for me was serious painkillers and muscle relaxants for the first two months. Gingerly walking as much as I could and trying to bend, move, as gently as possible. Eating lots of omega3s and getting a lot of sleep. PT will help (I didn’t have any, no insurance at the time). Stay positive, it will get better, and you DEFINITELY don’t want to consider a risky surgery at this stage. My doctor told me 6 months with no improvement and we would meet again. Now I regularly run 4 miles daily, lift weights, lug furniture, do yoga, etc. Occasionally if I step hard off a curb I feel a sciatic pain but that’s it.

      • Anon

        Just one more thing on the note of surgery. I was told the risk of paralysis, whether partial or complete, was quite high. Maybe technology has changed since then but my understanding from my doctor was that surgery was basically the very last resort option.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I have had low back disc issues (don’t know what numbers) and currently am dealing with a neck one. The low back one I needed to get a standing desk so I wasn’t sitting all day. I had to take at least a 20 minute walk mid work day for awhile. Yoga, though painful at first, really improved things. I also treated with a chiro that specializes in active release technique and had a bunch of home exercises that helped.

      I also learned that muscle relaxers didn’t actually help me much, they just made me temporarily not care about the situation.

    • doglovah

      I had this 15 months ago and ended up seeing an orthopedist. I remember feeling absolute despair before I saw the orthopedist – feeling like I would be in chronic pain for the rest of my life. Fortunately, this was absolutely not the case. The ortho put me on much more serious pain relievers than my GP had done, and ultimately prescribed a steroid shot, which was what really did the trick. The steroid shot and surgery have roughly equal success rates so it’s often advised to try the steroid shot first since it’s much less invasive.

      I strongly recommend seeing an ortho in case the disk problem is a result of something more profound that needs to be managed. My ortho discovered (via MRI) what the underlying issue was – a slightly twisty spine which had lead to some spinal degeneration. He made a few long-term medical recommendations – for example, I now do ~10 minutes of core strengthening exercises every evening in an effort to prevent a re-occurance. I’m absolutely scared straight into doing this by looking around at my family and seeing all the folks in their 70s with limited mobility.

      My orthopedist was Michael F. Schafer of Northwestern if you’re in Chicagoland.

    • Bulging discs

      Thanks to everyone who responded. I did get referred to an orthopedic surgeon and he said I am not a candidate for surgery because I’m young and somewhat athletic (in sports that all jar the spine, sadly) and that it would make my discs too vulnerable to re-injury. He said it could take 1-2 years just to get to a place where it’s not painful every day and that I should do Pilates and yoga to strengthen my core. I’m just worried that I won’t be able to get back to the sports I want to do – right when I’m at the point in my life when I have a bit more time and money to do them.

      • doglovah

        Did he do an MRI? Honestly, I would try to get a second opinion. I’m all in favor of hands-off medicine but this sounds like too much.

        • Bulging discs

          Yes, my PCP had ordered the MRI and the ortho reviewed it. He did say I could try one of his “pain management” colleagues to see about some kind of injection (I assume steroid injection?), but he made it sound like exercise should be my first line of treatment.

          • doglovah

            It’s sounds like you’ve been doing PT for a while without success, which is where I was too. The steroid injection does more than relieve pain, it reduces the swelling and inflammation and gives things a chance to heal. I can only speak from my own experience but it’s what finally helped me.

        • Elegant Giraffe

          Yeah I would try for a second opinion too. I had a relatively severe case and even in that situation I was not told I should tolerate pain for 1- 2 years. It’s great that you’ve already had the MRI done. Perhaps you can have that sent over to a second office. That would save you some time.

  17. Baconpancakes

    Happy Friday! I woke up super grumpy but with two cups of coffee in me I am ready for the weekend!

    Except I’m working tomorrow morning. Sigh.

    But what are everyone’s awesome weekend plans?

    • Anonymous

      Meeting my new baby great-nephew who should be born any minute now! (I am totally not old enough to be a great-aunt.) Also assuaging my daughter’s disappointment that she did not end up getting to dog-sit while the baby was being born.

    • Cb

      My dad’s birthday is this weekend and my mom is here visiting – we’re all celebrating on Saturday. Mom heads home on Sunday (they normally live together but dad is playing nanny for 6 months). We’re also moving rooms – leaving baby where he is and moving into the spare room so fingers crossed that goes well.

    • Anon

      Shopping for a behemoth television my DH wants wall-mounted in our bedroom after the 65 inch one he bought unbeknownst to me to replace our on the fritz 42 incher didn’t fit in the dresser alcove, didn’t turn on, and was scratched. To be clear, I signed off on replacing the existing one, but didn’t think I needed to put parameters on it. Samsung was good about the return though. For someone who in an ideal world would have no TV in the bedroom, bleh. But he is a SAHD, claims he never gets anything he wants in the house (probably true, but because his wants are ridiculous IMO – we don’t need motorized blinds, a hot tub, etc. in our not that fancy house) and he sold me a sob story about how some of his happiest memories as a child were curling up in bed with his parents to watch Saturday morning cartoons. He doesn’t ask for much (aor maybe I am a sucker). I might trade being a second-class citizen in my own bedroom to a television bigger than me for the ability to bring my work laptop to bed with me (currently banned – so I work in the guest bedroom late at night). Not excited.

      • emeralds

        My SO claims that he “could not survive” with less than his current 65 inch TV. I judge him SO HARD every time he says it. At least we agree about the bedroom being a no-TV zone.

        To answer the OP, I’m going to a bachelor e t t e party this weekend. Should be fun! (Not sarcastic.)

      • Anonymous

        I’m team tv in the bedroom. DH is not so we just have one 36 inch in the living room. Totally get wanting a tv in the bedroom but 65 inches is crazy big for a bedroom tv, that I don’t get.

        Letting the kids watch cartoons in the ‘big bed’ on my ipad while I sleep for an extra hour is the best thing about my Saturday morning. Sleep + kid snuggles = heaven.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        My husband upgraded to a 4k in the basement and I ended up loving it so much we moved it upstairs and got an even bigger 4k for the basement. I am not usually a tv person and we have no tv in the bedroom. The picture was so incredible though it is worth the extra money for the 4k technology. If you play any video games with elaborate scenery (like Skyrim) it’s totally worth it.

      • Anonymous

        Ugh, I feel you. We bought a 55 inch tv for the living room and moved the old 46 inch tv into our bedroom (replacing a perfectly fine 32 inch). It is insanely large and overbearing in our bedroom. We tend to fall asleep with the tv on and it’s SO BRIGHT. It’s currently sitting on a dresser and I’m trying to convince my husband to mount it because I feel like it might be less intrusive that way. You have my sympathies.

        • parents

          Ugh this is terrible for your sleep hygiene. As you get older, your sleep needs/issues will change and this will likely become a problem. Just FYI.

      • Anonymous

        No human-size TV can ever replace my dinky 12 inch brick of a TV I had in my college dorm. That magic machine (I was not allowed TV in high school, cf. strict Asian parents) saved my sanity; having HGTV in the background whilst writing 40-pagers was great for refreshing the creative and manic juices.

        It was bequeathed to me in my junior year by a graduating senior, I returned the favor in kind to another junior, and her delight with the TV’s offerings mirrored my history.

      • Anon

        Doing an exam Saturday morning, followed by day drinking and exploring a new part of (fairly new) city with DH on Saturday.

        Cleaning out and finally organizing our bedroom closet followed by a skating party for a friend’s birthday on Sunday

      • Anon

        We have a projector in the bedroom (since there is nowhere else in our small apartment that has a large enough blank wall) and it’s been great. We only use it when we specifically want to watch a movie so there’s no threat of non-stop lifesize CNN (my worst nightmare).

    • Anon

      NOT moving! We’ve been slowly moving everything from my condo into my fiance’s house for the last month of weekends and are thrilled to be done! I’m heading out with my mom to search for a sideboard – somehow, despite his house being three times the size of mine, it has significantly less storage, and we can’t unpack until we find a piece of furniture to put everything into.

    • Anonymous

      Rock climbing in Red Rocks outside Vegas! So excited! I’m usually stuck climbing on crappy limestone, and I am very, very stoked for the glorious, glorious sandstone.

        • Anonymous

          Haha, we’re doing none of the Vegas things. I actually don’t enjoy Vegas itself at all, other than the fact that it draws so many tourists that both getting and staying there for a rock climbing trip are super cheap.

    • cbackson

      Packing for my trip to Belgium that starts next week and getting my house ready to be empty for 10 days! And riding my bike. I’m training for a 200-mile race in June and so the answer to “what are you doing?” is basically always, “riding my bike,” TBH.

      • cbackson

        Oh, and I might go to see Black Panther by myself in the middle of the afternoon, because everyone I know has already seen it or doesn’t like superhero movies .

    • Senior Attorney

      I plan to become an empty nester (again!) tomorrow!

      My son graduated with his master’s degree back in early September, and for a variety of reasons he’s been living with Lovely Husband and me ever since. He starts his new job on Monday and is moving into his new apartment (two hours away) tomorrow! Woo hoo!!

      I’ve been telling him, “how can I miss you if you won’t go away?” Am very much looking forward to missing him!

      And on Sunday we are demo-ing the bathroom he’s been using in preparation for remodeling it!

    • Linda from HR

      First round of the NCAA hockey tournament! Going to the games down in Worcester, GO NU!

      (still slightly mad about Hockey East BTW)

      Also DJing tonight, and again on Monday.

    • tesyaa

      Preparing for Passover – shopping and cleaning. The fun part (cooking) probably won’t start until Wednesday.

    • Meg March

      Going to the wedding of good friends! It’s on Sunday evening, for religious reasons, and even though I’m kinda grumpy about that and having to fly on Monday morning, it’s the city I left about a year ago and I’m excited to get back and spend time with old friends in old hangouts.

    • BelleRose

      First camping trip of the season! It will be very cold and wet, but looking forward to tent and fire and Dutch oven meals… Also looking forward to having my BF to myself; recently been losing him to the “other woman” (the PhD thesis :P)

    • Weekend!

      Curling tonight (last week of the season), 90 minute massage tomorrow, maybe drafting a motion to compel on Sunday if opposing counsel doesn’t put an end to her non-responsiveness. Shall turn off work email on my phone tonight when I leave, as said opposing counsel is in California and (coincidentally, I’m sure) manages to send a rude email around 7:30 pm every Friday. I’ll read it on Saturday.

    • Anonymous

      Going on a pilates and dinner date with an old friend who’s in town for work, walking a 5k with my sisters, going to brunch at a friend’s house, and doing a bunch of organizing. I’m very excited for a low-key weekend after lots of travel and running around lately.

    • Anonymous

      I’m going to the March for Our Lives in DC tomorrow, though it’s sounding like it will be more of a rally than a march. I still can’t figure out what to put on my sign, though!

    • Anon

      I’m running a 10K tomorrow! For some reason it’s making me nervous even though I’ve run two half marathons and am running another in about 4 weeks. I ran 11 miles last Sunday but the 10K is freaking me out. I think it’s because I’ve never raced that distance before. Then having friends over to play Cards Against Humanity – I’m doing a nacho bar and a cookie butter bar – and Sunday, to quote Kate Middletown … GTL (gym target laundry).

  18. NOLA - Car?

    Hi Hive! I will be in New Orleans for 4 days next week, before making the drive to Atlanta to visit family for Easter. Will be with my husband, my 4-year-old and 11-month old. Do you think I need a car for this part of the trip, or should I start the car rental halfway through or only when we start the drive to Atlanta? If it were just my husband and I, we would definitely ditch the car, but am slightly worried about being car-less with the kids.
    Also, any recs on where to stay/ eat would be much appreciated!

    • Anonymous

      I never rent a car in New Orleans. I like staying at the Hilton New Orleans Riverside. It is nothing special, just an ordinary Hilton, but it’s usually pretty cheap and the location is walkable to the French Quarter and the warehouse/restaurant district, and an easy kid-friendly streetcar ride to the Garden District.

      • Anonymous

        Also–Meril is delicious and kid-friendly. We were not terribly impressed with the aquarium. We loved the WWII museum; a 4-year-old might or might not enjoy it depending upon temperament.

    • Anon

      I would say whether or not you need a car depends on what you’re planning to do while here. If you’re planning to stay between the French Quarter and Uptown, you’re probably fine. If you want to venture out further, such as going on a swamp tour, you might want a car. (Though I know there are tour companies that could probably take you.)

      I would suggest staying closer to the streetcar line if you are going to skip the car. One of the places along Carondolet, St. Charles Ave. or Canal Street would be perfect for that. The Hyatt in the French Quarter is near the Uptown and the Canal St. streetcar lines and is right on the edge of the French Quarter and the business district. You could also do the Drury Inn and Suites on Carondolet as they have big rooms and are reasonably priced.

      +1 to Meril, it is delicious. Would also recommend Willa Jean, Bayona (not sure if this is considered kid friendly), Eat, and Cafe du Monde (of course).

        • Lilly

          Do you get the souffléd potatoes with bernaise sauce? If you haven’t, you should!

    • Anon

      DH and I recently went to NOLA for a long weekend, and rented a car just for a day to go out to some of the plantations. You can go though tour companies with buses to get there instead, but we wanted to have the flexibility to manage our own time and are not a fan of tour groups. It was a fun day, but unless you want to do something like that on your own, we didn’t need a car for anything else.

      We went to Muriel’s for a jazz brunch based on recommendations from this site (thanks again, all!). After brunch, we sat on the upstairs balcony for a while with drinks overlooking the square, and it was lovely. There were also a good number of kids there. We also really enjoyed a lunch at Shaya, an Israeli restaurant (the hummus with lamb was fantastic). And, of course, Café du Monde.

      Have fun!

      • SC

        I often recommend specific plantation tours, but I would not do them with a young child. I think 8 is a more appropriate age to start, and even then, it would depend on the kid’s temperament, especially because I refuse to go on the ones that don’t discuss slavery in an honest way.

    • SC

      I live in New Orleans. With an 11-month-old and 4-year-old, I’d rent a car. My favorite kid-friendly activities are spread out and not necessarily downtown. With our kid, we love the zoo and City Park. You could easily spend an entire day just at City Park. The aquarium and Children’s Museum are good for a rainy day, but they’re not the best ever. My almost-3-year-old is all about cars, trains, boats and other forms of transportation, so he’d enjoy just riding the streetcar (St. Charles is beautiful too) and also taking the ferry over to Algiers Point. We have friends who love Tavolino Pizza in Algiers, so you could make that your “destination” and let the 4-year-old run off steam at Confetti Park afterwards.

      As for where to stay, I’d actually suggest the Hampton Inn in the Garden District on St. Charles Ave. There’s free breakfast, free wifi, and a small pool. From there, you can take the street car downtown or uptown and if you rent a car, you’re relatively close to pretty much everything. If you do rent a car, I believe parking is free, or at least much cheaper than downtown.

      If you do stay at the Hampton Inn or another hotel uptown, for family-friendly restaurants nearby, I’d suggest The Rum House, Atchafalaya (especially brunch), Dat Dog, and Pizza Domenica. For more upscale food, you’d be near La Petite Grocery and Shaya, but I wouldn’t consider either family friendly–maybe for lunch?

      • SC

        Oh, we’ve been going to the Louisiana Nature Center recently too. There is an education center, a planetarium, and some trails, including a loop on a boardwalk (so stroller-accessible the whole way). You’d have to drive to get there, but it’s only about 10-15 minutes from downtown.

        If you were feeling more adventurous, you could drive down to Jean Lafitte National Park in Marrero (aka the Barataria Preserve). My understanding is they also have some boardwalk trails. We actually haven’t been yet.

        • Anon

          The drive to Jean Lafitte is very tame! It’s driving through suburbs. If you go down that way, definitely do a swamp tour and eat at Restaurant des Families.

  19. issues with continuous BCP

    I take birth control pills continuously (skip the placebo week and start a new pack) due to terrible migraines I used to get with every period. However, over the past 1-2 weeks I’ve been spotting a lot. Would it help to give myself a period by taking a week off again, to like, get all of the menses out? Or is that not how it works at all and I should just keep going as-is and deal with the spotting? I’ve been taking the continuous pill for almost a year and spotting hasn’t been much of an issue until now. No chance of pregnancy.

      • Lana Del Raygun

        In general, if you’re having new side effects from a medication you’re taking, you should start by calling the person who prescribed it to you. That’s part of their job! :)

    • Anon

      I believe if you see spotting you are supposed to stop your bc and have your period. Also when on continuous bc you should stop it to have your period once a year anyway, to make sure things are functioning normally. I am not a doc, though, so definitely confirm with your doc.

      • cbackson

        You actually don’t need to stop it once a year to see if things are functioning normally, because if you’re taking the pill, by definition, things *aren’t* functioning normally, if by “normally”, we mean “the menstrual cycle is happening the same way it would without pills” (i.e., the “period” isn’t a real period). All of the spacing that’s associated with extended-cycle hormonal contraception is really just guesswork by doctors (and a lot of it assumes that women feel better if they have a “period” with some frequency…that’s actually the only reason the standard pill cycle includes a “period” week – they thought it would make women more comfortable that it was working).

        • cbackson

          I should add that there is SO much misinformation out there about all of this that it’s super-frustrating. It shouldn’t be as hard as it is for women to get good information about how the pill works.

        • Anonymous

          This!

          Highlighting cbackson’s words that this is not a real period, but rather a “placebo” period introduced by pharma companies and medicos to give women the sense and reassurance of having a period monthly. There is no need to have periods if on the pill, and there should be NO shame on not having periods.

          You may have to consult multiple doctors to get real opinions on continuous BC, I know I took several tries over four-five years before I finally chanced on a ob-gyn who was a competitive cyclist and understood my desire not to have periods, ever, and was ok with me going without a period for as long as I wanted.

    • cbackson

      So one of the things that happens when you take the pill is actually that you’re not building up uterine lining in the same way that you are without hormones – that’s why your “periods” (which aren’t actually periods – they’re just bleeding from withdrawal of the suppressive hormones) are generally lighter when you’re on the pill than when you’re not. So you’re not likely spotting because you have too much uterine lining built up or anything like that (that can happen when you first start taking the pill, but it’s not likely when you’ve been on it for a long time, whether you’re stacking or not).

      Do you take a pill where the dose is the same every day or one where it varies over the course of the month (you can tell by seeing if the pills are different colors)? It’s harder to stack the packs if the dose varies over the course of the month, and breakthrough bleeding is more likely.

      It is likely worth a doctor visit given how long it’s been going on, because there are some other things that can cause breakthrough bleeding (including some medication interactions).

      • OP

        Thanks for this informative response. I take the kind of pills that are the same throughout the month. Sounds like I don’t need to instigate a “period” but I should check with my doctor if I can get hold of her somehow.

        • cbackson

          Yeah, you might want to – I don’t remember all the things that can cause it (and it might by NBD at all), but I think that yeast infections, for example, sometimes cause spotting. If it hasn’t been an issue in the past, worth checking out this one time.

      • Anonymous

        I took BC pills continuously for about 11 years (ortho tricyclin with a “period” one week a month), and I stopped taking them 4 months ago. My periods haven’t really come back. I have a very light period for about 2 days, same as while on BC pills. Should I be expecting something more?

        • cbackson

          I think this can really vary by person, but it took more than 6 months for my periods to come back to a more “normal” length. Also, IDK how old you were when you started the pill, but a lot of women have much heavier periods in the first years after menarche, so this could just be what normal adult periods look like for you.

    • Anon

      We’re in the same place. I also take the pill continuously and sometimes get spotting after 5-6 months. Usually I end up taking the period-week pills and having a very light period. I’m on the 90-day packs, so the placebos actually aren’t placebos and they have a very small dose of hormones. Right now, I have spotting and have for the past 1-2 weeks. I’m dealing with it for now but if it continues through this weekend I’ll probably go to the placebo pills next week.

    • KTA

      I take mine continuously, and even if other commenters are like “THATS NOT HOW IT WORKS”…. this works for me. I inevitably start spotting around month 4 of no period, give myself a period, and then I’m fine another 4 months. But my doc does know this.

  20. Greece

    Hive, I’m looking for recommendations on Greece. I’ll be in Rhodes in May for an event, and I’d like to go to some of the other Islands (maybe 1 or 2?) afterward. I’ve been to Athens before. I’m interested in natural beauty and relaxing on the beach so less developed/crowded but still with restaurant/bar infrastructure would be great. I’ve never been outside of Athens and would appreciate any advice – on which Islands are good to go to (Paros?Mykonos? Zakynthos?) and what might be some good spots to see. I’ve love to find a hotel/air b&b with a view.

    • Anonymous

      Naxos is fabulous. It’s a bigger more populated island populated with Greek people not just tourists. Fantastic food, incredible beaches, will be cheap in May but definitely open. Rent a car and drive to villages (safe and easy) and deserted beaches. Stay at Galaxy Hotel Naxos, go to scirocco for dinner, enjoy.

    • Senior Attorney

      I was in Crete last summer and it was divine. The best beach day of my life was one afternoon at Plakias.

  21. Sunshine

    Someone had mentioned great success with Nordstrom’s Trunk Club service. I’ve tried it several times and haven’t been terribly successful. Any tips/tricks? I have a Pinterest board, I’ve been honest with my sizes and style preferences, and I’ve even changed stylists. Hoping for some tips so that I can get some new clothes I’ll love. TIA!

    • Anonymous

      Idk, I hated Trunk Club. I already shop at Nordstrom so I didn’t feel like they were showing me anything new. They actually tried to send me a couple of things that I already own. I wish they would link up with my existing account so they can see what I’ve bought, what I’ve kept, and what I’ve returned. It was frustrating to think the company has all this stuff at their fingertips but don’t use it. My stylist was also terrible and completely ignored my requests.

    • CHS

      Can you visit a location in person? For me that was the kicker. Not that it necessarily changed what I was given to try, but the overall experience was really pleasant – drink at the bar while I waited to meet the stylist, then brought to a lovely private changing area to run through the rack and talk through choices, meet with the tailor, get outfit suggestions, etc. I was also talked into a few things that I thought were ridiculous when I first tried them on, but after bringing them home and wearing them a few times have completely fallen in love with. So in-person experience for the win.

      • Sunshine

        Thanks for this. I’ve been looking for a reason to go back to Chicago, and….this is it!

    • Senior Attorney

      I’m starting to think Trunk Club is great for men and not great at all for women.

      • Sunshine

        I’m starting to think Trunk Club is great for men and not great at all for women.

  22. Proper maintenance of your expensive shoes

    I just got a pair of LK Bennet flats on sale. I love them! What are some good shoe maintenance tips ?

    I have already managed to scuff the bottom of the toe leather somehow? Also these are leather-soled shoes which I can’t imagine will be durable- should I get these resoled or keep them?

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