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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 202 Comments · by

Wednesday’s TPS Report: ‘Kate’ Striped Silk Crepe de Chine Shirt

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Iris and Ink Kate striped silk crepe de chine shirt | CorporetteOur daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. The Outnet has a ton of great stuff right now, even if most of it is lucky sizes and out of season. BUT: I like this chic silk blouse from Iris & Ink — the blue stripes seem interesting and summery, and the drape/weight of the silk looks perfect. The blouse is $150 at The Outnet. Iris and Ink ‘Kate' Striped Silk Crepe de Chine Shirt Two lower-priced options are here and here, and a plus-size alternative. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. PSSST: Shoe company M.Gemi is supposed to be having a private sale that starts today — steep discounts on their already affordable luxury shoes. (Seriously, the loafers they were kind enough to send me had some of the softest leather I've ever touched!)  It doesn't look like anything is up yet, but I'm going to keep checking this link. (L-5)

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Comments

  1. anonymous

    I’m mostly make-up illiterate, and I’m wondering which items are worth splurging on and what I should buy at the drugstore? What about eyeshadow in particular?

    • KT

      For eyeshadow, it depends on your coloring and what shades you like. For me, the Urban Decay original Basics palette is well worth the money. For “fun” colors or more bold shades–purple makes my green eyes pop–I use CoverGirl or Maybelline eyeshadows.

      I will say splurge on a good eyeshadow primer–it makes even cheap eyeshadow last all day. I love the Urban Decay Primer Potion–the little bottle costs about $15 and lasts me 4 or 5 months.

      I swear by higher-end foundation, but use drugstore blush, eyeliner, and lipsticks.

      • Asideralis

        +1 For Urban Decay. It’s my fave for eyes and some lips.

        MAC has great lipsticks as well.

        If you like to use foundation, the Dior AirFlash Spray foundation is AMAZING. I bought it at GossMakeupArtist’s suggestion on youtube. It’s amazing for a perfect skin day.

        • Anonymous

          Alternatively, the Milani eyeshadow primer is supposed to be about the same as Urban Decay’s, at about $6 from the drugstore. I use it and love it. With that, the eyeshadow choice almost doesn’t matter, but I do really like the Wet n’ Wild palettes. They too are amazing for the pricing ($4?).

      • Anon

        Maybelline has a great purple eyeshadow as part of their Color Tattoo line. I am a bit of a make-up snob, but I highly recommend those eyeshadows!

    • Anonymous

      Eyeshadow is a decorative item. My rule of thumb is that if it is improving my look or enhancing nature (foundation, concealer, mascara, sunscreen) I buy the best I can find. If it’s just adding color (eyeshadow, blush, lipstick) I either stick with the drug store or treat it like a one off luxury purchase.

      • Anonymous

        +1
        Although I go with drugstore mascara since you’re supposed to replace it every 3 months.

        • LilyS

          I’m usually a drugstore mascara girl (I’m loving the Rimmel Wonderfull one with Argan in it – and the waterproof variant actually is waterproof) except I just had a sample of the Clinique high impact mascara in a sample product box and I’m really loving it. Also the Too Faced Better Than S x mascara, despite its ridiculous name, is worth a try.

      • PolyD

        I tend to agree, but relevant to the eyeshadow discussion, I tried Smashbox and it was a life-changer. I never really used “good” eyeshadow before, but this stuff goes on and blends so nicely, much better than even the Clinique freebies I used to use. One of their 3-color palettes is about $28 (and they have a Friends and Family 25% off thing in the summer, it happened a little while ago) and the palette easily lasts a year with near daily use. So, I would consider splurging on good eyeshadow in everyday colors.

        For the “fun” stuff – greens, blues, etc. – I agree that the cheaper stuff is probably a good idea.

    • Sparrow

      I think having a good eyeshadow primer is a must. My current drugstore favorite is Milani Eyeshadow Primer. Another option is Too Faced eyeshadow primer. I find if I use a primer, I get good results with both drugstore and higher end brands. I like Too Faced and Urban Decay shadows and palettes. For drugstore, I like NYX. I even have a couple of individual colors from Wet ‘n’ Wild that work great.

      I generally spend more on foundation because it is sometimes difficult to find a color match in drugstore brands. My favorite is Makeup Forever HD foundation or Makeup Forever MAT Velvet. However, I have also had good luck with the L’Oreal True Match collection. If you’re not into full foundation BB and CC creams are another option.

      I buy drugstore mascara – L’Oreal Voluminous. I prefer neutral lips so I don’t spend much on glosses. I have some from Neutrogena that I like.

      For makeup brushes, I like Sonia Kaushik and EcoTools.

        • PolyD

          +2. Also helps eyeliner stay on, if you use it.

          I use Nars eyepaint (comes in a little pot) and it’s really good. The little pot has lasted me over a year.

      • Anonymous

        FWIW, I use the e.l.f. eyeshadow primer stick and I think it works just as well as the Lorac primer I also have.

    • lawsuited

      Drugstore eye shadows tend to have a lot more fillers (cheap) than pigment (expensive) which makes them chalky and leaves little colour payoff, so I definitely recommend splurging on eye shadow (an Urban Decay Naked palette or a NARS eye shadow duo would be a good place to start. MAC eye shadows are actually not my favourite because I don’t find them easy to blend, but you have the benefit of making your own palette which is sensible if you want to keep a small makeup collection). I also prefer high-end blush for the same reason. I am a blush fanatic, so can’t even go into all my favourite brands, but my absolute favourite blush is a Cargo blush in Los Cabos.

      For foundation, concealer, mascara, eyeliner and brow products I have a good mix of high-end and drugstore products, so I believe you can find great products in the drugstore with some trial and error.

      For lip products, I am definitely a drugstore fan. I’ve just not noticed significantly better formulas or colour selection in high-end lip products.

    • WJM-TV

      For eyeshadows, I use a mix of drugstore/higher-end. I’d suggest getting an Urban Decay or Lorac palette and then supplementing with drugstore — I like the Loreal Infallibles and the Physician’s Formula matte quads.

      Foundation, it depends. I’ve learned that drugstore doesn’t go pale enough for me, so to get a match I’ve turned to Lancome. For highlighter, I like Becca.

      Lipstick is a drugstore item for me, mostly. I like the Revlon regular line and the Maybelline creamy mattes. For blush, I’ve learned that MAC or Sephora is the place to go for that. Drugstore blush doesn’t last all day for me.

      Mascara, eyeliner (though I usually use shadow), lip liner is all drugstore. Brow products is more about finding your shade — I’ve liked both drugstore and higher end options.

    • Anonymous

      I recommend good make-up brushes. You don’t have to break the bank. The Sonia Kashuk ones are very nice for the price. They make the application so much better.

    • Anon

      Check out blogger Beauty Broadcast who’s EmilyNoel83 on YouTube. She’s a former news anchor, so all her videos are very professional. If you go through her archives, she has lots of tutorials about how to apply makeup and does lots of product reviews, both drugstore and high-end. Because of her, I’m a big fan of super cheap Wet n Wild eyeshadow and e.l.f. shadows, both of which I prefer to some pricey shadows I’ve purchased at Sephora. She also does annual “Emily Awards” where she names her favorite products in every category and she’s never steered me wrong there, either.

      https://www.youtube.com/user/emilynoel83/playlists

    • Anonymous

      I’ve read that all eye, brow and lip pencils are made at the same 2-3 factories in Europe no matter what the brand. The source is the website “beauty and the bullsh!t”, and there were a couple of similar revelations about other types of makeup and skincare products.
      Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with the site.
      I do use GWP eye shadows almost exclusively, and about half of my lipsticks are also freebies.

  3. Go away hair

    Reposting just in case yesterday’s comment was too far down, but any one have any recs for laser hair removal or electrolysis in the DMV area?

    Thanks!

    • L

      My derm’s office does it. Todd Perkins over near Farragut West. No complaints!

    • another anon

      I’ve been happy with Georgetown Rejuvenation (which is confusingly in Clarendon).

  4. Jennifer

    Does anyone else have Mirena? I had one put in a few days ago and have been getting headaches ever since, and want to know if this is a normal thing that goes away. The cramps and bleeding have already stopped, for what it’s worth.
    I’m willing to wait it out a few more weeks, a) because it’s only been a few days, and b) because I just moved, so there is still a lot of stress and upheaval in my life that could be causing the headaches too.

    • Bethany

      I had Mirena for five years… I don’t remember getting headaches when it was put in. LOVED IT.

    • BeenThatGuy

      Wait it out a little while longer. If you were on The Pill before Mirena, the headaches could be from coming off that hormone.

      I had Mirena for about a year before I put together that my MASSIVE mood swings and hormonal acne were causing it. It’s taken me 6 months to clear my acne and 6 months of therapy to save my relationship lol! This might not happen to you, but if you start to see symptoms, ditch the Mirena.

      • anon

        I’m going to piggyback. I know some spotting is normal, but I’ve had my Mirena in for two months now and am still spotting every day. It’s gotten lighter, but still a problem. Is that normal? How long should I let it go on with the hope that it will eventually stop?

        • BeenThatGuy

          I spotted for at least a month. But eventually it stopped. Then when I had my period, it was nothing more than spotting. Give it another month and if it doesn’t stop, call your doctor.

        • gingersnap

          I’ve had my Mirena for 5 months now, and I think 3-6 months of spotting is normal? Mine was down to just a couple times a month after 3 months, and I haven’t had any spotting (or a period) the past couple of months.

    • mascot

      I felt a little off for a few days after it was put in, although I don’t remember headaches specifically. It could be related or not. I’d give it a a couple of cycles to regulate. Do you have to go back in a few weeks for a follow-up? You might want to mention the headaches then if they are still happening.

    • B

      FWIW, I don’t have Mirena but I get headaches every time I go on a new BC. I get them on and off for the first 2 months and then never again. The Excedrin with caffeine is the most effective treatment

    • Anonymous

      I hated Mirena. I got it 6 weeks after my second baby was born. I hated it, but not because I got headaches.

      • (was) due in june

        Ok so why did you hate it? I’m 2 months postpartum and scheduled to get mirena this friday.

    • Senior Attorney

      I had the Mirena and the first month was hell, but then it was the best thing ever. I’d suggest giving it a little more time.

      • Labellion

        Same here – best thing ever. I was on bc pills for over 10 years and just had the mirena put in about 6 months ago. Insertion was incredibly painful but worth it. I had a lot of spotting and cramps the first few months but for the last month or so things have gotten much better and I feel fine. I get stress headaches already, too, but I don’t feel they are related to the iud. I think it just takes a few months for your body to adjust. I haven’t had children, so my experience could be different from others. I was very worried about my skin beforehand but have had no problems.

    • Jennifer

      Thanks all!
      It’s so hard to tell what is within the realm of normal for these things, if most other people took a little while to adjust then I feel more confident about waiting it out.

      • Anon

        Coffee! Randomly, that is what my OB told me would help. He called it ‘trial by Starbucks.’ Remarkably it worked. I think it is along the lines of the Excedrin with Caffeine statement from earlier.

        But yeah, love the Mirena now after 3 years of it in. First few months were not so great, spotty periods for the first three-ish. And I do have to work to control some acne, but the rest are far above and beyond other BCs from my past.

    • Asideralis

      I have had the Mirena for just under 2 years now, and have had very few side effects. From what I recall, the initial month or two was a bit off-putting, but now I love it. I have had 1 period in the past 1.7 years and it a life changer!

      I hope it works out for you!

      • Cimorene

        Same here, except I didn’t even have the initial month or two of being off-put. Insertion was not that painful — no more painful than a pap smear — and I experienced no mood swings, headaches, etc. I think I had spotting at the time of my usual period for the first 2-3 months, but now have not had a period in almost four years. Very, very happy with this choice.

    • BCG

      I’ve had the Mirena for over 4 years – no problems. Give it a bit to settle out. I LOVE it – I haven’t had more than light spotting for a period in the entire time.

  5. Anonymous

    DH is an associate at a small law firm. One of the partners is hosting the annual firm party at his home this weekend. Should we bring a host gift? Wine or olive oils or something? The party is fully catered and all staff and attorneys are invited.

    • kc esq

      I say bring flowers or a small potted plant to demonstrate your appreciation for their hospitality.

      • CountC

        This. A partner at the firm I worked at had the attorneys over for a catered dinner at his and his partner’s house every summer. It was lovely, and fancy, and fun, but it would have been awkward to bring a gift IMO. He did not seem to harbor a grudge against anyone for not bringing something!

      • AnonInfinity

        Agreed. The partners at my firm rotate each year throwing a Christmas party, and I’ve never seen anyone bring a gift to that.

      • TO Lawyer

        +1 one of the partners at my office does this every year and it’s just a nice firm party. Plus, I’m quite sure it’s a business expense not a personal one.

        My boss has invited me over for dinner before and then I usually bring a bottle of wine because it’s not a firm event.

      • anon-oh-no

        I don’t know … I’d never show up at someones hose for a dinner or party without a hostess gift. It doesn’t have to be expensive. The bottle of wine or olive oil is nice. so are flowers. all can cost less than $20.

        The fact that its a business expense shouldn’t factor into your decision. They are opening up their house to you.

        • MJ

          Cosign. I’ve gotten really nice feedback for bringing a small gift. I also would NEVER go to someone’s home (whether the firm paid for the party or not) without a present. It just is classy and a nice gesture to recognize that you are glad they opened their home. It goes over well with the wife, too, if the husband is the work contact.

          • Mermaid

            I totally disagree.
            Several of my work colleagues (at my level or higher) have made comments about how it bothers them when someone more junior shows up at a work party at their home with a gift. We all know its well intentioned, but its weird, and its only ever the newest/most junior people who do this.
            At the last summer BBQ I was at we could see someone walking down the drive with a bottle of wine and the host groaned.. “I hate when they do that. How do I get them to believe I don’t want them to bring anything?”
            Of course he was very gracious and appreciative when he accepted it- you can’t be any other way.

    • Anonymous

      Personally, I wouldn’t. It’s not a personal party to which some work folk are invited, it’s a business function using partner’s house as a venue. If I were feeling particularly paranoid, I would wrap a small box of nice chocolates and stick them in my purse; if I saw any hostess gifts I’d add mine, and if not I would eat them!

    • Scarlett

      Absolutely. You’re a guest in someone else’s home. Even if it’s work related, it’s still polite. No one will judge you negatively for brining a hostess gift but they may if you don’t.

      • Mermaid

        I would judge someone as naïve and out of touch in my industry. It’s not a risk-free option!

    • Anonymous

      No. I’m in biglaw, but we have events at partner’s house a few times a year. It would look really out of touch to bring a gift – worse than offering to pay at a summer or recruiting lunch.

    • Senior Attorney

      Don’t bring flowers, because the host/hostess will have to stop what they’re doing to deal with them. I feel like you can’t go wrong bringing a nice bottle of wine.

      • anonymama

        LOL, we have people over all the time and because of kind people like you we have ended up with a shelf full of wine that we don’t know what to do with. We occasionally drink wine, but more often beer, and if everyone who comes over brings a bottle of wine, and we only drink one or two of them, then it feels like our wine bottles magically procreate and no matter how much we drink we will never get to the bottom of them!

        • Senior Attorney

          LOL just take them to other people’s dinner parties!

          I would sure love to have magically procreating wine…

      • Cimorene

        I disagree with bringing wine. Many of the partners at my firm are very picky about wine, and they have very expensive taste. To give them a bottle of wine without knowing what they drink or what they like, plus trying to buy wine at a price point that the host would like…..no. Olive oil is a better idea. Better still is just going to the party – I’ve never seen anyone bring a hostess gift to one of these at my firm.

    • Cat

      I’m in Biglaw, but for events hosted at partners’ homes, no one brings gifts – it’s a firm-sponsored event, not personal hospitality. I always make sure to thank the partner and wife (because, let’s face it, it’s always a male partner with a SAH wife who hosts these things) for opening up their home, but an actual gift would be awkward.

      • Anonymous

        +1. It might be different given that the OP is in a small law firm, but even then I wouldn’t do it. One time a partner invited me for a small get-together at his house, where he and his wife cooked an enormous feast and opened several bottles of expensive wine. I sent him and his wife a thank you note after, and only because the two spent so much of their own time preparing something nice and the circumstances made it more personal.

      • Anonymous

        I’m at a small firm where partners do the rotating holiday party like AnonInfinity mentions, and it would definitely be weird to bring a gift. It’s gifting up to people who got catering and a firm-expensed cleaning service and make 10x what I do.

        • padi

          This. I was invited to a house party like this after accepting the job offer but before starting. I brought a bottle of wine. The partner accepted it graciously but I got some mild teasing from the other associates on my first day for being so polite.

          • Anonymous

            I’m trying to imagine how the associates found out you brought a bottle of wine. .. seems uber-snobby/déclassé for the partner to mention it or the associates to ask. Anyone who criticizes you for being so polite is not someone I’d want to work with.

  6. Anon

    If you could retire tomorrow, what would you do with your time? How would you stave off boredom, aside from volunteering?

    • Anonymous

      Are we assuming I’ve prepared for retirement and have paid off my student loans, mortgage, and can replace 75% of my income?

      I’m never bored. I walk every morning for an hour, I read and go to the library, I swim, I cook delicious things, and I travel a lot.

      • Anonymous

        I do all the things Anonymous does except swimming, and I would do more of them if I could retire. I also would do a better job at the community groups I’m involved with because I could devote more time to them, I would go to Mass more frequently, and I would spend time on creative activities I enjoy but can only spend a little time on because of having to work. In my case these activities are woodworking and dry stone wall building, but I have a retired friend who loves painting and has really improved since she’s been able to spend time on it.

        I would also increase my volunteering for the local legal aid in my city, and I would like to write and article or some articles about an area of law that is tangentially related to my practice now, but that I don’t get to do as much with as I would like. I also hope I would be able to see friends and family more, even though I do a lot of this already. Ah, retirement would be so great! Too bad I’m not even close.

    • moss

      I’m trying to master watercolor painting, which will take a lifetime.
      We must not be too ambitious. We cannot aspire to masterpieces. We may content ourselves with a joy ride in a paint box. And, for this, Audacity is the only ticket. -Winston Churchill

    • Gail the Goldfish

      Reading, horseback riding, swimming, and traveling. All of which I do now and would love to do more of, if only I had the time. Oh, and I’d try to learn another language.

    • Wildkitten

      I would read books and drink rosé at Parisian sidewalk cafes with puppies and Bonnie.

    • August

      If I can retire tomorrow, I will enroll in a PhD program. It is my dream to get a PhD.

    • Senior Attorney

      I would travel all over with my gentleman friend and drink a lot of wine at a lot of cafes.

      Spend a lot of time at the gym.

      Maybe take some classes.

      Cooking, reading. And I’d have a lot of parties.

    • KinCA

      Oh, gosh – I think I’d love this! Read, travel, learn a foreign language, volunteer with a local charity, work out more, bake and cook more. I’d also prioritize visiting far-flung friends that I don’t get to see very often, now that we’re all geographically spread out.

    • SoCalAtty

      Assuming that I’ve paid off all debt and have my retirement all squared away…horses! All day. I’m hoping to have enough rental income to supplement my retirement to pay for the horse habit.

      Also lots of backpacking.

    • Little Red

      Travel mostly. Go back to school as well to study what I’m passionate about as opposed to what will help me get a good paying job. Read a lot more.

    • Anonymous

      A friend of mine recently retired and she’s way busier than she expected. She’s taking voice lessons, practicing, singing in a choral group or two, shopping with her DIL, playing with the grandkids, doing some admin work for her condo association, attending cultural events, knitting, and probably more than I’m forgetting. My aunt is retired and she is teaching machine quilting and working part-time at a quilt shop. She travels to shows and she loves it.

      I would probably travel, read, cook, volunteer, knit, hang out at the local yarn store.

  7. DisenchantedinDC

    I’m kind of losing it today.

    Over the last three years, I lost 60# mostly on the paleo diet. Last summer it stalled out and I’ve been slowly creeping up since then. Now it’s up to a 25# regain. I joined weight watchers and have been following the program but I’m still gaining weight. I’ve had blood tests done but no real answers. I have to go for a follow-up on one thing but I’m pessimistic that’s it. I’m terrified of regaining all the weight and ending up back where I was. My pants are too tight and my athletic performance is down.

    I’m otherwise active/healthy – lift weights and run 5 days a week. I jockey a desk 8.5 hours a day which doesn’t help. I’m having a hard time even holding it together at work because I’m worrying.

    On this note… any recommendations for an endocrinologist or osteopath in DC? I think I might need a specialist.

    • Anonymous

      So you’re still down 35 lbs. which is absolutely incredible. Hardly anyone is able to lose a significant amount of weight AND keep it off. Certainly see any doctor you want, but in all likelihood this isn’t a sign of anything medically wrong with you. You’re eating more and taking it easier on yourself in workouts probably with even noticing it.

      And if there is a medical cause, you’ve 100% got this. You’ve done it before and you can handle it again.

    • Anonymous

      Honestly, stress /lack of sleep may be a big factor. Part of the year my job is insanely stressful, and this year I counted calories strictly (I weighed all my food), and was regimented in working out, and I still gained 10 lbs.

      As soon as the stress stopped and I started sleeping more than 4 hours a night, I lost all of it, plus 5. Stress is a killer for me.

    • Asideralis

      Have you looked into calorie counting with an app like myfitnesspal? Unfortunately, the only way to be sure of keeping weight off (for 98% of people) is to restrict your diet.

      It’s really easy to get lax in what you eat, trust me. Portions slip, a little nibble here and there.. etc.

    • roses

      A big part of why a lot of people lose on paleo is because it is so low-carb. It sends your body into a ketosis state. If you’ve re-integrated carbs into your diet, it’s not going to be as easy to maintain/lose. Not saying that this is a bad thing – I’m of the opinion that paleo is way too restrictive and that moderate carb intake is good for optimal athletic performance – but your intake needs with carbs needs to be re-calibrated to achieve the same results.

      • Anonymous

        Yep- I found that when I stopped being low-carb, I still had to cut out grains in order to maintain weight loss. I can have lots of fruit, sweet potatoes, etc, but grains generally (rice less so), means weight gain.

      • DisenchantedinDC

        I have PCOS/insulin resistance too, which doesn’t help. I felt the best eating pretty low-carb (all my carbs coming from veggies, sweet potatoes and a limited amount of berries) and was actually able to cut back on my blood sugar medication with this, too.

        • Clementine

          Okay, PCOS and insulin resistance could explain every single part of this. I would look for an endocrinologist/possibly specialty GYN (?) who has a specific expertise in PCOS. It’s really not well understood by many doctors.

          • DisenchantedinDC

            I just felt like I had it under control for so long. And now suddenly… it’s not, whether it’s the PCOS or who knows what, so I have basically analysis paralysis on next steps.

      • latina

        Good point – South Beach diet phase 2 has a good approach to reintroducing carbs. Even if you don’t follow the SB diet reading about phase 2 may give you good ideas.

    • latina

      First congrats on losing that 60 lbs! Look at the bright side .. with the 25 lb regain you have still lost 35 lbs! For me keeping the weight off is harder than losing it is.

      Weight watchers made me gain weight too. I wasn’t overweight but looking to shed a few lbs. I like fruits and veggies and they were unlimited. I’m sure I was overeating even though I was within my daily points. Technically you can eat pizza and drink beer everyday and still be within your points. That was my downfall :) Are you still doing paleo? If not I’d say go back to it b/c it is what worked for you in the past. Instead of running maybe switch up your cardio. Spinning is awesome and a great way for runners to cross train. Check all medications that you take for possible side effects. There are other factors in life that can make you gain.. stress, lack of sleep, change in daily schedule, etc.

      • Anonymous

        You have to be smart on weight watchers! There are many choices within a category, but if you want to lose weight or you reach a plateau, pick the lower calorie ones. But don’t cut out the fats that you’re allowed, they make you feel satisfied and make the vitamins in the veggies work. I’ve done ww on my own, but it’s tips like this that make going to the meetings worthwhile.

    • BeenThatGuy

      I feel your pain and anxiety over this. I maintained a 100 pound weight loss for 2 years. Then I put back on 10 in a year. Then 15 the next. I think it’s normal to yo-yo after a large loss. Please be easy on yourself. Gaining 25# doesn’t make you a failure. Life gets in a way. But you have complete control over this. Stop the cycle of the yo-yo (advice to myself also).

      I eat Paleo and would suggest you try the Whole30. It’s very similar but shocks your body out of those Paleo sweets we sometimes rely on.

      In the meantime, get plenty of sleep, drink TONS of water and work on being positive. Good luck!

      • DisenchantedinDC

        Yep, have done several Whole30s in the past… have been talking about doing one with friends next month, but maybe I need that right now. I made myself a healthy breakfast (2 eggs in olive oil, 1/2 an avocado, 2 slices prosciutto, and some leftover steamed veggies) with some coffee with cashew milk and told myself take it just one meal at a time.

        • PolyD

          I am sorry for your weight struggles (but damn, losing 100 lbs and keeping more than half of it off?? Go you!), but that breakfast sounds delicious.

        • Anonymous

          So, to me that’s a massive amount of calories for breakfast for someone who is trying to lose weight. Eggs, and oil, and avocado, and prosciutto?!? Sure, healthy, but that’s a lot of fat and calories. If your priority is losing weight it might be time to reevaluate some of those choices. For me, foods that I think are nourishing and healthful are not necessarily also going to help me lose weight. A fat source in breakfast? Absolutely. Three different fats? Not gonna cut it.

          • tesyaa

            I think it depends on your eating habits. My breakfast every day is a coffee yogurt and a diet Coke, so 140 calories. However, I eat a lot more at lunch, afternoon snacks, and dinner. Some people eat a big breakfast and that’s like their main meal of the day.

          • DisenchantedinDC

            I logged it in MFP just for shits and giggles, and it came out to 380 calories, which I don’t think is ridiculous? Even on a 1300 calorie diet I think that would be reasonable? (for reference, I used half a tablespoon of oil (measured out), 1/2 a smallish avocado, and 2 slices of prosciutto)

          • anonymama

            Calm yourself, the OP lost 60 pounds eating like this, so maybe she knows what she’s doing?

        • BeenThatGuy

          Looks like the perfect breakfast to me. You know what you’re doing. If you want to cut something out and see how you feel, cut out the prosciutto. You have enough protein and fat from the other foods. One meal at a time. You got it.

          Can I ask how much water you drink? I’ve been bashed for this here, but I drink a gallon a day. For my fitness level and weight, it’s what works for me. If you are only drinking 64 oz, add more and see how you feel.

          • DisenchantedinDC

            I have a 32 oz hydroflask that lives at my desk. I usually have a two refills in the morning and another 2-3 in the afternoon, sometimes with a Nuun tablet if it’s as hot as it’s been. I feel like it’s appropriate for somebody who works out outside/in a non-air conditioned gym. My doctor thought it sounded high and I think recommended a test based on my water consumption.

          • Anonymous

            That’s 20-24 glasses of water a day, when most recommendations say 8. I’m glad your doctor is following up on this and I wish you luck.

          • Anonymous

            Wow… that’s a lot of water. Be really careful… You can really cause problems with your salt balance with this.

          • Anonymous

            I live in a very hot, humid climate and run outdoors for 1-3 hours at a time in the morning when it’s most humid, and have a very high natural sweat rate, so I have to drink Pedialyte to avoid being in the worst color zone of the urine chart. If I drink just plain water, I feel sluggish and lightheaded. You mention that your athletic performance is down, so I’m just wondering if this is what’s happening to you too–if you’re drinking as much pure water as you counted off (even with the occasional Nuun tab), you might actually be doing counterproductive overwatering. Definitely see what your doctor says, but my thought until then would be to try less plain water and more water with Nuun or pedialyte. Good luck finding out the issue, and I hope you’re back on your game in no time.

          • Anonymous

            Pedialyte anon here (ha, I don’t work for them, and I buy the generic, so this isn’t a shill–there are just two Anons at the same time!)–

            I can’t edit but I’ll add that I also take salt capsules hourly during my runs. I sweat a lot. My friends marvel at it.

    • Ellen

      Yay! I love this silk blouse, Kat! This is a great pick.

      More importantly, for the OP, do NOT sweat this detail. You get kudo’s for loosing so many pound’s in the first place! Do NOT forget that or knock youself for putting a few back on. This happens to all of us, and I know it is frustreating, but do NOT fret. You will persevere and be where you want to be. But pleaassse! Do NOT let society dicatate what you should and should not be.

      I have been doeing this for year’s and finaly said FOOEY on peeople for telling me what I should and should NOT look like. Our bodie’s are OURS and not for other’s to critiseze. So many men have given me counseling session’s on my body and my tuchus and I now tell them it is MY body and MY tuchus and it is up to ME if I let them access either one now. FOOEY on men that want to control me. If that is what going on, you tell them to stick a rubber hose up their OWN tuchus to loose weight!

      BTW, the podiatrist we visited yesterday was about 80 year’s old. I did NOT think he would be an eligibel candidate to MARRY me, so I did NOT persue it. The old guy was NICE, however. That is what I want in a man — CIVILITY and a bank account, and mabye 40 year’s younger! Life can be very tryeing for us city girl’s! But we persevere! YAY!!!!!!

    • Anon 2

      Have you tried myfitnesspal? I would recommend it. I think it’s good about keeping you in check. While you may have a medical condition, most people who regain slowly start eating more calories than their bodies need. I’m big on weighing my food every now and again as well. It always surprises me that what I thought was 4 or 5 oz’s is really like 7 or 8, and over time those extra calories add up.

      • DisenchantedinDC

        I have tried MFP and the WW app. I have a food scale; I should start using it again.

        • Liz

          Logging your food and water in myfitness pal will also be helpful if your doctor asks for more detailed information, or if she recommends a nutritionist. I also keep track of other things (supplements like fish oil or vitamins, heart palpitations, headaches, tiredness, abnormal length of recovery from a workout) in the notes area at the recommendation of my nutritionist who reviews my logs periodically.

    • LAnon

      Have you considered non-physical causes? I lost about 40 lbs after leaving a job that made me miserable but then gained almost 25 of it back. I had pretty much resigned myself to that when I started therapy. After a few months seeing a therapist (for issues related to managing stress and anxiety), I suddenly realized all my clothes were too big! I hadn’t been trying to lose weight but dealing with some emotional issues and learning better management techniques had resulted in less emotional eating, more energy and motivation to exercise, better sleep, etc… just something to think about.

    • Ginjury

      Stop the Weight Watchers now! I know that’s harsh, but it’s just going to screw up your relationship with food even more. I joined WW when I had about 10-15lbs I wanted to lose. I lost the weight, but it’s an unsustainable lifestyle and, in the two years after that, have gained back double the weight I lost. If this is a medical issue, WW isn’t going to help. Just try to be more mindful of what you’re eating and why you’re eating it and work a little more activity into your day. The book Intuitive Eating can be helpful with this.

      Are you having a hard time keeping it together because you’re worrying about health concerns or gaining weight? It sounds like you’re tying a lot of your self worth to your weight. What’s the worst that can happen if you do gain more weight? I’m sure you’ll still be an incredible person.

      • DisenchantedinDC

        Ugh, a month in, I was kind of getting this feeling that it was not encouraging the healthful/nutrient-dense foods I know I need.

        Having been obese, I just don’t want to go back there. I like running and being competitive and my exercise just feels bad lately. Yeah I’d still kill it at work and my friends would still love me but I already just physically feel worse. Part of it is my physical looks but a lot of it is how I feel.

        • sweetknee

          I know how you feel. I had the lap band surgery and lost 120 pounds. Unfortunately, the lap band had to come out ( long story) last December, and I have regained about 15 pounds. I am working on getting it off, but it’s hard.

          What seemed to help me was hiring a personal trainer for 12 weeks, twice a week. He has really been able to help me bust through exercise boredom. I also learned that I was way underestimating the amount of weight I could lift. I still exercise two or three more times per week on my own, but those days are more effective with the tweaks he has shown me.

          Good luck. Don’t beat yourself up too much.

        • Ginjury

          That’s fair. Why do your exercises feel bad now? Do you not have enough energy? I noticed you didn’t have any starches in your breakfast so maybe throwing in a sweet potato would help. I know women generally need more starches when eating paleo. What is your diet like now? I feel like WW is the antithesis of paelo/whole30 so I wonder how you’re managing that change.

  8. Anonymous

    I have something to confess: I am one of the disheveled women, with a hair (or two dozen hairs) out of place, a wrinkle in my dress from my commute, and a scuff on my shoe from tripping while getting on the elevator, carrying a dozen folders on my way to a meeting.

    How do some women just always look so polished?! I am always so impressed by them!

    I would love to know how to pull off the look just for big meetings, even if I can’t do it every day.

    • Anonymous

      Planning. For big days I wake up early so that I can blow dry carefully and do my makeup slowly. I plan my outfit the night before. I keep my shoes at my desk to avoid too much wear and take them to be polished. If I have a lot of materials I need to bring I organize them and put them in a red weld. I leave tons of time to get important places on time so I’m not running or sweaty and frazzled.

      I’m on the lazier/sloppier end of the spectrum for sure, so for me looking polished is about giving myself enough time to really focus on the details.

      • anon-oh-no

        this. I always put my outfits out the night before (and have since I was a kid). I have a variety of bags I can use and I pick a size appropriate one for my needs for the day — you could just have your regular one and a bigger one, to use the bigger one when you have a bunch of folders. Or as anon above says, put folders neatly in a redweld.

        find a hairstyle that works on days when you need to have your hair in place — maybe its pulling it back into a neat ponytail or bun and using some hairspray.

        And then find a few outfits that work for you that are your “go to” outfits. They need to be something that fits well, is not too fussy, wont be a wrinkled mess, stays tucked etc. For me, its a dress and a blazer or a dress suit.

      • APP123

        +1. Looking effortlessly pulled together is not effortless at all. Over the past year, I have spent a huge amount of time organizing my clothes, building a professional wardrobe, planning outfits, and taking care of personal maintenance (finding haircut that works and I can style, figuring out how to do my own manicure, etc. etc. etc.).

        For a long time, I resisted these things, thinking that it either (a) should be effortless, or (b) meant I was shallow. But here’s the thing, I feel WAY better about myself, and that confidence makes a difference in how I act and feel at work. People treat me better, too. Plus, now that I have a routine and actually like all of the clothes in my closet (and they all fit!), it really doesn’t take as much time as it used to.

    • I hear you....

      I have tried for years to pull things together, and can’t pull off a polished look either. And I spend so much time running around in the hospital I am a mess by noon even if I started out decent.

      The only time I ever felt polished was on the last day of my Residency (graduation dinner). I paid for someone to blow out my hair, then went to a department store where someone did my make-up, had a pedicure/manicure, and had been on vacation the week before so I had slept, had shaved (!) and even did a little muscle toning so that my expensive sleeveless dress looked a little better.

      I was exhausted just by the prep time and products involved. Several people complimented how I good I looked (all men)….. “you clean up well!”…… And then I just felt depressed because I couldn’t even maintain for more than 2 hours. And it only heightened my insecurity about how I looked the other days of my life.

      I realize that I will never look like the women who were just blessed with more good genes than I was.

      I’m trying now to be more careful about getting clothes tailored, and buying more durable quality in fabrics that hang better on me, but it takes time and is expensive for me. Nothing fits me off the rack. Often I give up because I just don’t have the time for careful shopping. Add the usual weight/fluid retention fluctuations which alternate my bottom body half regularly among 2-3 sizes that complicates my clothing/alterations as well.

      I’m in my 40’s.

      • OP

        I’m in my 20s, so I was hoping to learn the secret! Maybe I should just accept that I am not those women, and just do my best.

    • anon

      leave your work shoes at work. Get a (cute and) comfortable pair of commuting shoes- not sneakers. This will allow you to run/walk quickly if you need to and will save your shoes.

      keep a beauty/hygiene kit at work. I keep hair spray, an extra curling iron, makeup, band aids, tampons etc, deodorant and a bunch of other things in my drawers at work. you could consider keeping that anti-wrinkle spray at work but I don’t have any experience using it. You can also keep a spare outfit at work in case you are truly rumpled and have a meeting or something.

      as the previous commenter said, it’s about planning and leaving extra time.

    • KT

      Not to be that person, but check out the blog linked in my name–I have a list of office emergency supplies I keep on hand. I’m one of those women who tricks people into thinking I’m polished (when I’m actually a hot mess and a klutz), and it’s thanks to emergency kit and some planning

    • KT

      Also, knowing your life is pivotasl. Crisp button downs are great, but I know if I wear them, I’ll spill something on them, they’ll look like a wrinkled mess, etc, so I stick to jersey and ponte dresses, wrinkle-free blazers, etc all in darker jewel tones and neutrals to hide the fact that I can’t eat without spilling stuff on myself.

      And I mastered the art of the updo. I can’t bother blowing out my hair every day, but I can manage a chignon or french twist in under 5 minutes, which makes me look more pulled together than I am!

      • bridget

        Chignon and French twist suggestions? I would love to do this, but just end up throwing my hair into a bun. Do you need special clips? Any good YouTube videos?

        • KT

          Chignons are SUPER easy. If you can do a ponytail, you can do a chignon. I just use a plain old goodie hair elastic and bobby pins. Most of the tutorials do a lot of teasing, but I skip that step.

          For a chignon:
          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iiFuJsWnIAM

          French twists are tricky–I do a cheater version-I pull my hair into a side pony but don’t pull the tail all the way through the elastic. Then I just roll that curled lump under until it resembles a snug french twist, then I bobby pin like crazy. It’s like a sideways Gibson tuck (SUPER EASY) that looks more complicated/elegant than it should.

          Gibson Tuck:
          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebg9OX9Il-I

          I also love Lilith Moon’s tutorials on YouTube–she has some super complicated styles, but also very simple pretty ones I can do in 2 minutes.

        • Anon

          I told my DH this morning that hair tutorials are the single best use for the Internet. My favorite is pony tail, pull the tail up through your hair and over the hair tie, then pin. Use at least one extra-strong bobby and a few others. I have never been able to do updos and this actually works. If this makes no sense, which it may not, check out tutorials. I saw links to the tutorials I use at caphillstyle.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      I think it’s a simplicity thing, at least for me – I used to consistently be the disheveled person, but I’ve found that since I started pursuing a more minimalist approach to my life, I started getting more of the “you always look so put-together” comments even though I’m not really trying to look polished, and I think it’s because I’ve pared down my look so much. I created a capsule wardrobe for work that’s basically all simple, well-constructed solids that I can mix and match, and invested in a few pairs of higher quality neutral work shoes that I rotate through. I also simplified my make-up routine and wear the same neutral palette basically every day, and I got a super-short pixie cut (think Claire Underwood from House of Cards, only dark) that looks “right” even on days when I haven’t brushed it.

      Basically, instead of putting myself in a position where I can only look “done” with serious effort, I’ve chosen clothes/makeup/hair that look “done” with exactly the amount of effort I am willing to put in.

      • mascot

        I agree with your last paragraph. You really have to know what works for you and just go with it. I wash/dry my hair and do a full face of makeup daily. This works because I have a good hairstyle that works for my hair (with regularly scheduled cuts/color) and cosmetic routine that works for my face. I’m going for classic/timeless, not trendy. My approach to accessories/jewelry is similar. Good quality pieces that I love and wear often. For me, those tactics help me feel polished.

      • ss

        Kitten Heels’ last paragraph is exactly right.

        This is what I do, and same goes for virtually all of my friends who combine demanding professional lives with an interest in looking good. I travel a lot for work and taking extra time to plan outfits, blow dry etc etc simply does not feature as a priority. I’ve learnt to stick to a low-fuss grooming routine and my professional wardrobe consists pretty much of a handful of templates which I know work for me and which my tailor re-makes with minor variations. And ironically, I’m admired for being impeccably turned out all the time.

      • CountC

        Fourthing the last paragraph.

        I look and feel put together 90% of the time, but it doesn’t require all that much planning now that I have found what works and pared down my routine. My hair gets pulled back into a low bun every day. I blow dry the front bits so I don’t have wet hair when I get to work. This takes me 5 minutes. In the summer the only makeup I wear is a quick swipe of a highlighting eye shadow, bronzer, blush, and mascara. I wear clothes that fit and I have minimal classic jewelry that I rotate through. It’s one of two watches, one of four sets of basic earrings (fake diamond studs, white pearls, black pearls, quartz studs), two of four rings, and boom, I’m done. I have about 10 outfits that I rotate through, many of which are a sheath dress and a cardigan. It’s easy, requires me only to steam the cardigan in the morning (or night if I feel like it). I am klutzy as hell, so I wear dark colors mostly, and I carry a Tide pen just in case. I have a few purses that I rotate through every couple of months. I have 8 pairs of the same flats in different colors. I almost never deviate from wearing a pair of those flats. When they get scuffed, I polish them or nail polish them (patent). I don’t try to be flashy or uber trendy or anything like that.

    • Tetra

      I was only ever able to pull off a polished work look every day when I lived two blocks from work. I need time to shower, blow dry and flat iron my hair, put on make up, select an outfit that isn’t wrinkled (and get things drycleaned and tailored, which I could conveniently do in my office building at that time). Unfortunately it just takes a lot of time.

    • Anita

      As others have said, it generally takes time and advance planning. But here’s a secret: those women you see that seem so streamlined and polished? Most of them think their hair’s a mess or their shoes don’t go with their outfit or something along those lines. Someone once asked me how I managed to be so put-together on a day when I felt kind of rumpled. We are our own worst critics!

    • Sally

      I think I trick people into thinking I’m polished most of the time. Tricks: Tailored clothes that fit well and not too many of them. Shoes stay at work. My hair is washed twice a week, so I rotate through a set of hair styles that look good at each level of clean. I wear jewelry daily – nothing fancy, but earring, watch, ring. Polishes the outfit off. Minimal five minute makeup – but I really, really focus on skin care, so I don’t need too much. Also, stylish, professional glasses – helps me look older and serious.

    • WJM-TV

      I’m 29, and have found I am just not one of those women. I give it my best and let it go.

    • KinCA

      Honestly, finding the right hair products has helped me a ton with this (it doesn’t matter if you spend 30 minutes blowing out your hair if it frizzes up the moment you step outside). I swear by Living Proof’s Prime and Perfect Hair Day styling products, along with some Fekkai Glossing Creme. I also never leave the house without a bit of hairspray for my bangs and roots for a little hold to keep those stray hairs in place.

      After some trial and error, I tend stay away from clothes that wrinkle easy (my test while shopping: crumble up a bit of fabric in your hand, let it go, and then see how wrinkly it stays). I also look for bras that lay smoothly under my clothes (seeing the line of my bra cup through my outfit is a total pet peeve of mine). When possible, I try to add a “third piece” to my outfit (be it a sweater, blazer, scarf, etc), even if I just hang it over the back of my office door once I arrive. I find that that extra touch helps an outfit look more pulled together and intentional.

      But really, it just comes down to making time for it. I feel good while I wear makeup, my hair is properly styled, and I’m wearing an outfit I like, so I make sure to leave time for those things in the morning (anywhere from 45-60 minutes, depending on if I have to wash my hair or not). Going into the office sans makeup or without at least a quick 5-minute curling iron touch up isn’t an option.

    • Anon

      Ok, so I’m one of those uber-polished women. To be fair, it’s just who I am. I grew up wearing starched Sunday dresses every day of the week. I didn’t like play clothes because I didn’t like how they made me feel…when I was 6! So let me see if I can list some tips that would translate…

      1) I wear a dress nearly every day of the year. People always say, “wow, you look so put together!” but it’s the easiest thing in the world because I put on one item and earrings and walk out the door. Dresses are so much simpler than separates. With separates, you have to have 3 or 4 pieces all cleaned and pressed and coordinated. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

      2) Shop WELL. Buy only items that a) make you feel amazing and b) flatter your figure. If you don’t love it, don’t buy it. Only buy quality items. Quality doesn’t have to mean expensive. My secret wrap dress that I get a million compliments on every time is $20 at Old Navy. (I dry clean it to help it last because it’s Old Navy after all.) But quality does mean sewn correctly, with seams that lay well, with pattern that’s matched appropriately, that drapes well, with fabric that won’t wear out after 5 washes.

      3) NEVER leave the house without your clothes being pressed. I feel like a crazy person for how worked up this gets me, but it’s details like this that make such a difference in your overall appearance.

      4) Hair product is your friend. It takes me 35 minutes to blow out my naturally poufy/wavy/curly-if-coaxed hair, but I do it because I feel and look confident when it’s done. (FWIW, I only wash my hair twice a week. Dry shampoo FTW.) Go to a stylist and really learn how to do your hair. There are products out there that can give any woman great hair. Again, product doesn’t have to be expensive.

      5) If makeup is your thing, learn how to do it properly. Poorly done makeup is worse than no makeup at all. If you want to go to a counter and have someone teach you, approach an artist whose own makeup you like.

      7) My overall guiding principle is, “Does this look elegant and put-together?” You’ll never go wrong with that in mind :)

  9. mer

    Any recommendations for a great toiletry case? I’ve been trying to streamline what I bring on trips and I have a 2 week European vacation coming up, so I’d like to get something that fits everything I need, but isn’t very bulky. I have the LLBean case that lots of people like, but I find it a little huge and it only hangs, so if there’s nowhere to put the hook, it’s a real pain to deal with. I’d really appreciate any recommendations!

  10. Long distance

    Sigh…we just purchased my fiancé his one-way plane ticket to the city where he will be living for the next year. I will stay in our home, a 3 hour flight away. We’re both committed to this decision, and I know it will go by quickly, but…man I’m going to miss him!

    Please tell me all of your best long distance tips and advice! We’ve done this same distance before but for 3 months only.

    • Anonymous

      Talk often, even if you have nothing exciting to say and you’re really busy. And figure out how to talk dirty- whether you’re sexting, skypeing, using an internet controlled vibe, or just chastely acknowledging that you miss intimacy, don’t let it be something you just ignore until you’re together again.

    • Clementine

      Long distance is a beast. It’s good because you both get to focus on yourselves and you end up having lots of long, meaningful conversations because that’s basically what you can do! Long distance has helped me be more confident in both who I am as a person and how strong my marriage is.

      If your partner will have access to phone/text/Skype, those are AMAZING tools. If you can get on a schedule to visit, that is also something that will help the time go by. Other things that I’ve done are: working towards a goal- for me, I like to sign up for distance races with a training plan that I have to follow, making standing plans with friends (Friday night yoga class with my BFF every week!), and prioritizing communication with my partner.

      Let me know if you ever need a pep talk! Signed, someone who spends 6 months out of the year with her partner on another continent for work with no access to phone, no Skype, and 90’s dial-up speed internet for communication.

    • layered bob

      I have been long-distance with my fiancé/husband three times for periods of 3-9 months.

      – One of our favorite things to do is put on the same TV show (Mad Men) at the same time and watch it “together” while on the phone with each other.
      – We also text/send photos of random things (“look at this gross dish I left in the sink”) frequently so it seems like we still understand each others’ day-to-day life.
      – And we accept that it is not always a good time to call – I call him almost every day on my way home from work and it works for him to answer/chat probably 25% of the time – and we both know that is fine.

      • Senior Attorney

        My former husband traveled more than half the time, and these are all great tips, especially watching TV together on the phone.

    • roses

      I was long distance for a year during my engagement, too. It was hard, but we got through it by talking on the phone or Skype every day and visiting each other once a month. Like Clementine said, it’s also important to spend time with friends so you’re not moping around when you’d otherwise be hanging out with your SO. You can do it.

    • Anonymous

      We were cross-country long distance for 3 years total (not all at once). Visit as often as you can afford to and get the next visit booked before the current one ends so you always have a countdown. Maintain your own social life so you aren’t always waiting by the phone for him to call. If you have a demanding job, think of this as a great time to really lean in. Good luck!

    • APP123

      I feel you! My husband and I are smack in the middle of a 2-year long distance stint (we are a plane ride away right now, both in smaller cities so we have to connect…ugh). Although I miss him like crazy and can’t wait to be back together again, long distance has not been as terrible as I thought. In some ways, it has been great because it has allowed both of us to focus on our professional goals and it has also made me much more appreciative of him (no nit-picking over stupid things).

      I agree that you need to talk often, although I would say that you need to find the amount that is right for you both. Neither of us are big phone talkers, so although we talk every day, sometimes it’s just for 10 minutes. We do text, email, and gchat all the time though, so we’re in pretty constant communication in one form or another.

      I also think it’s crucial to have hobbies, friends, etc. in your city so that you’re not just sitting at home all the time. I’ve taken up fitness classes and joined a book club, and my husband started doing crossfit – it helps a lot to have social interaction.

      We also always plan our next visit before our current visit is over (or even farther in advance), which helps a lot. We are also fortunate that there is a clear end date for us, which makes it so much easier.

    • lawsuited

      I don’t have any “tips” per se, but I will say that the year DH and I spent apart (our second year of marriage) really strengthened our relationship. We did as well as we reasonably could for the time we were apart, but it was the year after when we lived together again that was the difference maker. We were so grateful to have the other close that we stopped sweating the small stuff and enjoyed time together. That feeling has continued in our marriage, and we’ll be celebrating 10 years in the fall. We don’t fight, laugh a lot, and are happiest when we are quietly holding hands.

    • LondonLeisureYear

      I honestly think couples who can be independent and comfortable apart have better relationships. My fiance and I were long distance for 4 years. Not fun at all – but we learned how to be separate independent interesting people. Now when he goes out of work for business I don’t fall apart like some of my friends do when their husbands travel. Use the time to focus on you and do what you really love! Think how interesting the time will be when you actually are together for a dinner out – you will have so much to talk about. We didn’t talk on the phone that much because we are not phone people, and if one of the parties is distracted (we were a few hours time difference apart so it was hard to find time when one or the other wasn’t busy) then you end up getting grouchy on the phone. We would text all the time. Take pictures of things that you are seeing so that person feels included. One important thing I think is that long distance has to have an end date (which it sounds like yours does) that way you can plan for the future together and have a common goal.

    • Sarabeth

      I was long distance with my now-husband for the better part of 4 years. It was tough, but it made our relationship incredibly strong. We really had to figure out how to communicate. And now, when I’m grumpy with my husband, I look back on those days and think about how wonderful it is to be living in the same house with him ALL THE TIME. Because it really is wonderful, and I am much more grateful for it after having lived apart for so long.

      • Sarabeth

        Also – our key strategies were 1) Skype every day, 2) watch a TV show ‘together’ (we’d call each other and then cue up the episode to start simultaneously on our computers), and 3) never say goodbye without setting a date to see each other next.

  11. Weekend Woes

    I need a bit of perspective about an issue with my husband regarding what our weekends look like.

    Before we had a kid and when we were both in BigLaw, on a typical weekend day, we’d sleep in, get some brunch and then spend a good portion of the day lazing around watching TV while catching up on work (I’m guessing most of you in BigLaw know what I mean — we’d sit with our laptops “working” for 5 hours but really only get 2 hours done). We’d then usually go out to dinner with friends or do something social in the evening.

    Fast forward a few years — We have a toddler and I am no longer in BigLaw so thankfully, I no longer have much weekend work. Going out in the evening is rare (sitters are expensive and we don’t like to be away from our kid too much because we both work full-time). We usually have a kid-related activity on Saturday morning (swim class, etc.), but are really running into some issues over what to do with the rest of our days. I think my husband would be completely content to spend the rest of the day and evening and all of Sunday around the house, watching TV, playing with our daughter and “working”. I am no longer content with this. I want to go be doing things — the pool, the park, taking walks, etc. And my toddler agrees — she is generally a pretty content kid and doesn’t mind playing around the house, she LOVES going outside and doing activities. My husband will join us for these things, but it is clear that he’d much rather just stay home. He’ll do social activities with our friends if they initiate, but never wants to invite people over (“too much work to host”) or take the lead in planning (which I think is completely rude, but that is another issue).

    I guess I am just frustrated by two things — First, now that we have a kid, I don’t think he should be spending 5 hours a day “working” while watching TV (especially since at least half the time I come in, he is actually on Facebook or ESPN). I completely get that weekend work is part of BigLaw, but it kills me when he spends all Sunday “working” while I care for our daughter and then tells me Sunday evening that he wasn’t very productive. I will support him if he needs to work, but I want him to actually focus and work.

    Second, I am just concerned by his resistance to doing things like swim classes, the park, etc. I really think he views these as a chore and resents that they take away from his TV time. But to me, part of the sacrifice of having kids is giving up things like hours of TV time. We had a kid for a reason — I want to be doing things with her and letting her experience things. I resent that he resents doing these things and honestly, I can’t help but feel like he is just lazy. And frankly, I am just bored on the weekends. I know I could do things alone with our daughter and I do, but I feel bad that we aren’t spending time as a family, especially because we have so little time together during the week.

    Over the past few months, this has really started to bug me more and more. To make matters worse, my husband wants to have a second child — but when I try to think about that, I immediately think about how it would mean me having to take two kids to the park along instead of one and being even more resentful whikle he “works.” Any thoughts? Am I being unrealistic with my expectations?

    • Anonymous

      “Hey, I’m not sure if you realize this, but you spend large chunks of every weekend half heatedly ‘working’ while you’re really just watching TV. This leaves me to take care of our kid by myself, instead of spending time doing things together as a family. It’s also sad for me, because I want to be spending time with you doing enjoyable things and lately I’m lonely and bored with our routine. It’s upsetting me to the point that I don’t want to have a second child because I’m worried that I will be the only one taking them to the park etc. can we talk about this? With a therapist to help us find a routine that works for us?”

      Leave out how you think he’s lazy and loves TV. You used to as well when you were working his job. Checking out of life is a way to cope with stress.

      • Weekend Woes

        Anonymous, you are absolutely right. I do acknowledge that his weekend preferences are his way of dealing with stress. And I know that I used to do something similar. But, I think it was different before we had kids and to me, part of the sacrifice of having kids is that you don’t get much time to relax. I rarely ever remember my parents watching TV or relaxing when we were growing up other than in the evenings.

        Part of my frustration is that he wants desperately to find a new job (in house) and I want him to too! However, despite saying he is looking for a new job for 2 years, he doesn’t appear to have actually done any looking. So, we are in a situation that he doesn’t want to be in, yet he isn’t doing anything to change.

    • JJ

      So, my DH and I have two kids (3 and 2 years old). I’m former Biglaw, now in-house. He’s former consulting company, now in-house. Same set up as DINKs. Weekends were sleeping in, working without purpose but just to stay ahead, and relaxing.

      Weekends are exhausting now. We have swim lessons on Saturdays for both kids. Saturdays are also weekly grocery store runs, dry-cleaners, and random errand days, as well. Sundays are a little slower, but that’s laundry day and we generally plan to be around the house all day to swap loads, fold, put away, etc.

      I’ve learned that my “relaxing” style and my husband’s style are very different. My husband sounds like yours: he’s content to just sit on the couch and watch TV. He’s a serious introvert and uses that time to recharge. I’m much more “task” oriented and spending time at home and not going somewhere or running errands feels like wasted time.

      We’ve eventually learned that we both needed to compromise. My husband will spend time going to parks, swim lessons, museums, etc. with us on most weekends. And every few weekends, I make sure we don’t have anything planned and let him spend time doing his type of relaxing. So when he gets whiny about all the running around, I can tell him “In X amount of weeks/days, you can just sit at home and we’ll relax.” It’s like penciling in a vacation for him to look forward to, as well.

    • NYNY

      Can you have a non-confrontational conversation with your husband about this? It sounds like those 5 hours of laptop/tv time may be the only “me” time he gets, and he’s understandably loathe to give it up. If you acknowledge that, maybe you can work together to find a way to satisfy everyone. Say, he spends a few hours by himself on Saturday morning while you and the kid do swim class, but in the afternoon, you all do something together?

      • Anonymous

        Thanks NYNY and JJ.

        JJ, it sounds like you and I are very similar.

        NYNY, I do think he views the time as “me” time and to some extent I get that — but honestly, I don’t get five hours of me time a weekend and I’m guessing most working mothers are in the same boat. But, I also acknowledge that he truly needs it more than I do — just based on our personalities.

        I do think we need to have a talk — we’ve discussed before but not much has changed. Maybe we need one more go around. I like the idea of giving him a set period of time for me time and then agreeing that if he needs to work other times, that is fine, but he needs to be working with the TV off and not playing online.

        • Senior Attorney

          It’s not clear to me that one adult gets to “give” another adult a set period of “me time.” I don’t know that your expectations are unrealistic, but I do think you have the idea that you are right and he is wrong, and that is unlikely to lead to productive conversations.

          I second the idea of getting a therapist involved to help you hash out a routine that works for both of you.

          • Sarabeth

            With a young kid in the picture, though, it really does work that way. While my daughter is awake, any “me” time that I get is because my husband is watching her. So he is very literally making it possible, which means we need to jointly agree on it. I certainly take my husband’s requests for solo-time seriously, and he does the same for mine, because we are in a partnership and respect each others’ needs and desires. But it’s not something either of us gets to unilaterally decide.

        • JJ

          I think a true talk about this is a good step.

          I’ll just add that I need more “me time” than my husband does. I get up at 4:15 to go to the gym and work out before work because that’s when I have time that is only to myself. My husband stays up a lot later than me most nights (see: crazy early wake-up), but I know he’s also working some while he relaxes. We’ve learned that you absolutely cannot keep “score” of exactly how much time each person gets to himself/herself (or what chores or done, or who changes more diapers, etc.). As long as we can make it work for us, it works. Flexibility is key.

    • espresso bean

      Here are my thoughts (caveat: I am neither married nor a parent):

      It sounds to me like you both have good intentions, but you haven’t really had some important conversations about what a satisfying, mutually fulfilling parenting and family life should look like. I totally sympathize with you and imagine I would be the same way — wanting to do activities and experience life to the fullest with my daughter.

      Have you talked to your husband about this? Like really sat down and talked to him and told him, “This is really bothering me because X, Y and Z, and it’s serious enough that it’s making me hesitant to have a second child.” That should get his attention. You may be hoping he sees this on his own, but he clearly hasn’t, so a conversation needs to happen.

      I have friends and coworkers who have complained to me about similar situations. It does seem like in these cases, the more involved parent ends up doing more to overcompensate for the less involved parent. It reminds me of being in college and living with a less clean roommate. You want the other person to step up and do their share, but they’re content living in a messier situation than you are… so you either do double the cleaning work so the place is up to your standards, or you lower your standards. Neither is ideal.

      Anyway, I’m not sure if this is that helpful. Interested to see what others say. Good luck!

    • LondonLeisureYear

      I don’t have kids but one thing that might help you is on Wednesday night my partner and I plan out our weekend. If either of us thinks we will need down time – thats fine, but we pencil it in and it has to be tech free down time. No computer/no TV. So reading, naps, practicing ukulele, playing a board game, walks etc He does play video games as long as he is playing with a friend (sometimes remotely but its a way he stays in touch with his friends in the USA) We communicate if we want to spend that time apart or together (because sometimes you need a break from your partner!). We pencil in actual To Do list items that we want to get done such as errands or housework or haircuts (that might include office work too) and then fun rewards.

      We have had lots of conversations about what recharges us. So for example, I love cooking so that might be a way I spend an afternoon recharging, but he might need a few hours to just do crossword puzzles. Often I think people take “down time” on computers and TV but its actually not helping them reset for the week. We also recognize that I am much more of an extrovert than my partner. So if we host a social function one day, then the next day I need to give him space to just be an introvert so he is ready for the work week. We are also really good about keeping our weekly sleep schedule because thats healthier than staying up late and sleeping in….as boring as that is.

      For example the upcoming weekend looks like:
      Friday:
      Complete recharge night. No technology. So we are opening a bottle of wine and ordering delivery. He wants to practice guitar and I want to read my newest book.

      Saturday:
      Services in the AM
      Afternoon: A ton of Errands
      Evening: Comedy show with friends

      Sunday:
      Hike in the AM followed by a typical British Sunday Roast.
      Late Afternoon/Evening: spent getting ready for the upcoming week (doing personal to dos such as wedding prep ughs)
      Evening reward for wrapping up to dos: Watching an episode of Catastrophe!

      Many of my friends who are parents often do kid exchanges. For example every 3rd Saturday you take the kids for 4 hours for a play date (like 9 am – 1 pm) so the other 2 families can get work done or not haha. That way when your daughter is home you are able to really concentrate on her.

      • Weekend Woes

        Thanks everyone. This feedback is really helpful. You’ve all given me some good things to think about in terms of how he might be feeling and how I can best frame a discussion.

        JJ, one of the hardest things for me to learn is that we can’t keep score. I know it is true, but I really struggle to implement it in my day to day life. Thanks for the reminder.

        • Away Game

          Really late to the party here, but I get where both of you are coming from. I truly adore my 3 kids, but did not much “like” the toddler stage. I did not think going to the park with a toddler was fun. I did not much like sitting on the floor playing with play-doh. I didn’t like a lot of things we were “supposed” to do with our kids. I did some of it anyway, of course, because toddlers need parks and walks and pools (pools I liked) and playgrounds. But based on your letter, you also really like those things and want to do them. You (I think) aren’t just doing them because you think you “should.” It’s totally fine that your DH doesn’t actively enjoy doing those things with his child. It is entirely possible that in five years he’ll be the one doing the kitchen science experiments or teacher her hockey. Sure, he should do them sometimes, and – as previous posters note – have some of his own time where he doesn’t have to do them. If you want “me time” (which you say you don’t have either, but don’t actually say you want/need “me time,” ) then make that deal – he gets some time to himself and then so do you. But it’s not really fair to say he shouldn’t want “me time” and he should want to go to the park, when you may well consider the park fun and don’t need your own time. Yes, he can’t dump all the family stuff on you, but it’s not fair to expect him to like things that you do, even when that involves an adorable, adored child that you both agreed to have and who needs both parents active.

    • AR

      Wow, I feel like I just read my life story. For me it was also frustrating because the children go to daycare/school and so they are not used to doing nothing on the weekend and they don’t want to. So, compromise. A few things we did are:
      -If there is a large/important sporting event then I am given advance notice and he watches it. Caveat, it can only be one important sporting event a day during child awake hours
      -Chores like grocery shopping/target etc, I get to go alone and he watches the children
      -We are committed to taking the children out once every day over the weekend. So we usually go do something (park, barnes and noble, etc) and then go out to lunch.
      -In the afternoon the kids play with toys or do whatever they want around the house or outside. Remember, they don’t always have to be doing something organized (supposedly it increases the imagination).
      -Each of us gets one sleep in day. I sleep in on Sunday while he wakes up with the kids. And I am not allowed to care what they eat for breakfast.
      -Computer/iphone/ipad time for each of us is reserved for when the kids get to watch their TV show/movie before bed on weekends

    • Anon

      One thing that has helped us is that my husband will fold laundry while watching TV. This usually happens on Sunday evening and he watches football. I don’t mind it because the laundry gets folded and put away and he gets to watch the game.

      I would definitely have another talk with your husband. It kind of sounds like he could be depressed–the wanting a new job but not doing anything about it, checking out by watching TV all weekend, etc. Maybe a visit to the dr and/or therapy should be considered as well.

  12. Argument Styles

    TJ: any tips for learning how to more productively “argue” with your SO?

    I am getting frustrated with my husband’s argument technique. For example, our most recent squabble has to do with us being on different schedules–he is more of a night owl, whereas I legitimately need 8 hours of sleep to function (which I never get, but I try) and I generally wake up at 5:30 so I can get a workout in before work. So ideally, I’d like to be asleep by 10, but more realistically, 10:30. The last three nights, SO has slept on the couch for various reasons–not sleepy yet, too hot in our room, too light etc. He says he does so so that I can get the sleep I need. I appreciate that he’s willing to go out to the couch so that I don’t stay up listening to him tossing and turning, which I told him, but I also said that it would make me sad if him sleeping on the couch became a habit. Instead of working together to come to a conclusion, he goes into “debate mode” where he’s focused on proving his point. He misconstrues what I say, gets worked up instead of just having a conversation, and usually ends up storming out of the room, or in this morning’s case, the vehicle. I am frustrated because I would just prefer to have a more even-keeled conversation, instead of letting it devolve into a full-blown argument. Has anyone had experience with this? Also any tips on reconciling different sleep schedules would be greatly appreciated!

    • Anonymous

      I break up with jerks who throw temper tantrums personally.

      But you married him. Why are you making this a fight? You insist on 8 hours of sleep. You have chosen to get up at 5:30 in the morning. He’s altering his habits to make that work for you, and it’s still not good enough and you want to discuss. Maybe he’s just frustrated with that? Especially if you have a pattern of wanting lots of conversations and feelings and cooperation about stuff he thinks is minor.

      • Wildkitten

        Yeah I don’t like his tantrum but I don’t see what your alternative solution would be?

        • Anonymous

          Letting it go. Why are you even discussing this? You’re doing what you need, he’s doing what he needs, it’s been three days, and you want to have a talk about omg what if this goes on forever?

          • Wildkitten

            Sorry – I don’t know what OPs alternative solution is. I agree that letting it go is a good solution.

    • BeenThatGuy

      A great way to have more productive argument is by allowing the other person to completely state their case. When they are done, you say “what I HEARD you say is ‘xyz'”. Often, what we hear is not what was actually said. We twist things based on past experience, sensitivities and general lack of ability to communicate. Give it a try and good luck!

    • Anon

      My tip on reconciling different sleep schedules is that we don’t :)

      I am early-to-bed, early-to-rise. He is a night owl. To add to the mix, I grew up without a TV in my bedroom and fall asleep best when it is dark and quiet. He grew up with a TV in his bedroom and likes to fall asleep watching something mindless.

      Most nights, I head to bed alone around 1030-11ish, read for a bit, and fall asleep. He’s awake until at least 1-2am in the living room, where he may or may not fall asleep on the couch. If he does, then sometimes he’ll join me in bed in the middle of the night, and sometimes he’s still fast asleep on the couch when I wake up at 530-6am. Sometimes, he’ll ask to come to bed with me at 1030-11pm and request that we watch something together on the iPad. Sure, it takes me longer to get to sleep that way, but it’s time spent together so it is worth it.

      Neither of us is upset about the fact that our sleep schedules don’t line up. We both get the sleep we require. Our s*xy time is not impacted by our not going to bed and getting up at the same times. I don’t feel rejected when he spends an entire night on the couch because it isn’t about me.

      • Diana Barry

        +1000. We used to fight about his sleep schedule, mostly when I was getting up at 5 to exercise. He often goes to bed at 5!

        I eventually accepted that his circadian rhythms WILL NOT CHANGE and trying to change them was counterproductive. Now he tucks me in every night at 10 and goes downstairs to work most of the night. It doesn’t bother me at all that he is not in the bed with me exactly when I go to bed every night. It is SO MUCH BETTER since we stopped arguing about it! :)

      • Joan Holloway

        I just finished a book on conversational styles by the linguist Deborah Tannen called “That’s Not What I Meant”. It was excellent. My husband read it and liked it as well. Next we’re going to read her book specifically geared to couples: “You Just Don’t Understand”. It’s really helping me figure out ways to compromise in how I communicate with my husband . . . and how to help him communicate with me. Her main point is that we often do more of the same even though it never worked the first time, so we need to figure out how to change our methods.

    • LondonLeisureYear

      We have different sleep schedules. I go to bed early. He goes to bed late. We both try to be as quiet as possible entering the bedroom or waking up to not disturb others sleep. I have a closet in the guest room so I don’t wake him in the AM when I am figuring out clothes. As long as everyone is rested I don’t have complaints. In a perfect world we would have aligned sleep schedules but thats not our world. My body just does better if I wake up at 5/5:30 and his does better if he is working 1-2 am. I need need need my sleep so I do everything to protect it. Personally I think its going to be awesome when we have kids. He can take the late night shifts, I can take the early morning and everyone is happy!

      As for the argument thing – We have weekly “meetings” where we go over combined to do lists, sync calendars, schedule future dates, and talk about anything that needs to get talked about such as hmm the house is getting messy how can we fix this. We tend to do this at a coffee shop where nothing can get too heated. We also pick times to do these meetings when everyone is well fed and rested haha.

    • Sparrow

      I can relate to your situation because my husband has a similiar arguing style and it is incredibly frustrating. If there is an issue where we have differing opinions, I prefer to have a calm, reasonable discussion about it so we can come to a compromise. If at all possible, I would suggest marriage counseling so you two can work through this issue.

      There are are going to be other issues that come up in your marriage and you both need to be able to communicate effectively. And if you have kids, that will bring in even more complexity and issues where you need to work together.

    • layered bob

      I know “therapy!” is a trite answer, but I think learning how to fight well is one of the best things to learn in therapy.

      My husband learned how to actually have a discussion and I learned how to not make everything into a giant issue, in the “safe space” of a therapist’s office with a neutral third party so we could both see how bonkers we were handling minor things. Best co-pays we ever spent.

      • Senior Attorney

        I agree with this. It sounds like both of you could use some pointers on how to communicate effectively.

    • L

      I tend to be the one to leave the room (though I’m working on it!). As I explained to my DH, sometimes me leaving is so I don’t say something awful in the heat of the moment. That’s how my parents fought and by physically removing myself from the situation, it gives me a chance to cool down and then come back and not “debate” but talk. It’s taken some practice, but now I can say, I need to put this discussion on hold for a few minutes and then we can come back to it. In exchange for that, I also can’t do that every single time. Point is, discuss what’s happening and how it makes both of you feel in a quiet moment and it may shed some light on things.

    • Marise

      How about “I miss your sexy body when you don’t sleep next to me. How can we make this work?”

  13. Anonymous

    I’m coming up to the last day of my summer long internship at a consulting firm. My immediate team is three women. Would it be appropriate to bring in cookies or thank you notes on the last day?

    • Anonymous

      I’m at a consulting firm and have interns, would not recommend doing so. Bringing in morning bagels and coffee, maybe.

      I would recommend a thank you note with details about what you learned and how you feel that you developed during the internship.

      • Anonymous

        Okay, so maybe coffee? Bagels wouldn’t work because of complicated diets. but the team does eat chocolates.

        • MsSnark

          Hmm, if bagels won’t work because of complicated diets, then how about coconut flour muffins? Because cavemen totally noshed on those…

          Sorry. I get that some people have legitimate food allergies (gluten, dairy, the sky is the limit), and other people simply don’t like certain foods. But I’m really, really tired of paleo.

    • Wildkitten

      Thank you notes. They might even bring YOU bagels. That’s what we do at my office.

    • LilyS

      On the last day of my internship last summer I brought in a card for my line manager and a selection box of chocolates for my immediate team (I’d seen that people also did this when they went on holiday – a very food-shary office!) – I’d already brought cookies as part of the corporate charity fundraiser a few weeks before. My manager gave me a card signed from her and the team and chocolates for me, and the two guys I worked with most closely gave me a baking book signed from them. I honestly wasn’t expecting any of that (although the best bit was being told I was being offered a job!) and I was glad I’d reciprocated.

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