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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Promotion Dress

Asymmetrical Neckline Dress: J.Crew Promotion Dress Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I still mourn the death of J.Crew's origami dress, which rode high for years — but it looks like they have a new bestseller in town with an asymmetrical neckline: the Promotion Dress. I love it most in olive, navy, or black, but I always think you can see it best on the model, so here it is in red. It's $148 new, but use code SHOPEXTRA to get 30% off. J.Crew Promotion Dress Here's a lower-priced option and a plus-size alternative. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.  (L-4)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

319 Comments

  1. My husband and I decided we want to become more diligent about making a simple, healthy dinner every night. We plan to stick to the protein + veggie plan and do at least one night a week of fish (which neither of us know how to prepare). Anyone have any simple fish “recipes” or good ideas for veggie sides?

    1. Salmon has a lot more flavor than other fish, so if you like it, it’s a really good choice because you don’t have to add sauces or toppings to make it tasty. Plain grilled or baked salmon with a side of roasted veggies (we especially like butternut squash, cauliflower and asparagus) is a regular weeknight meal in our house. If I’m feeling more decadent, I like to mix melted butter with breadcrumbs and press it onto the top of the salmon before baking.

      1. Yay Kat! I love the Origami dress and have one already! You and I have VERY similar taste’s! I recomend it to the entire hive, but warn peeople that the sizes are NOT forgiveing. I have a size 2, and it is TIGHT on me. Dad says it is b/c of my tuchus, but other freind’s say the same thing!

        As for the OP, I second the motion for Salmon. I LOVE Salmon, but it does require us to do some work to shake and bake it properley. But I have been told to stay away from putting butter on it b/c there already is OMEGA 3 in it (which is fat), and more butter goe’s right to my butt–says dad. FOOEY b/c it taste’s better with butter!

        As far as veggies are concerned, I perfer asparagus OR brocoli or corn, tho dad says NIX to the corn b/c of you know what. Dad also says asparagus makes his pee smell funny. Does any one in the hive also have this probelem? After all, pee is NOT suposed to smell good anyway.

      2. My favorite way to jazz up a plainer fish is w/ a lemon (zest & juice), garlic & mint yogurt sauce (mix greek yogurt w/ those items to taste & let it sit for a few minutes so the flavors combine. It’s also good over veggies, too.

    2. I put a bit of olive oil, spices, and a squeeze of lemon on salmon, wrap it in tin foil, and pop it in the oven. Easy peasy.

      1. When you bake fish in foil, does it make your house smell? I usually grill to avoid this, but baking would be much easier! I learned the hard way to avoid pan searing.

    3. I need to get back into eating like this. I like to do salmon a couple of different ways. First is to do a marinade in a plastic bag with soy sauce, honey, lime juice, garlic, pepper. Let the salmon sit in that for 20 minutes or so and then cook in a skillet on the stove for about five minutes per side (depending on how thick it is.) Another way I like to cook it is to put garlic, rosemary, and lemon slices on top and then bake in the oven at 350 for about 15-20 minutes. I also like to make tilapia or you can use any other mild white fish. I like to cook that one either in the oven with lemon and garlic or with blackening spice and then pan fried. You can buy pre-made blackening spice or just google a recipe and make your own. Sometimes we make fish tacos out of this and sometimes we just eat it with veggies.

      My favorite way to do vegetables is roasted in oil with garlic, salt, and pepper. I like to do asparagus, broccoli, eggplant, cauliflower, sweet potato, mushroom. Sometimes a mix of those or just one. I also like to make mashed cauliflower with a little butter and milk. I also like the steamer bags of frozen veggies, especially the green beans or the stir fry blend.

    4. We eat fish almost every Saturday when I can pick up something fresh at the farmer’s market, and it’s almost always something quick and easy. One of my favorites is to get a large filet of cod (or scrod, or any of the other similar fish) and oven roast it. I drizzle it with olive oil and season with salt and pepper, then roast it at 400 F on a sheet pan for about 10 minutes. The edges get browned and a little crispy, the fish is nicely cooked, moist and flaky. Serve with lemon wedges. Also, the time in the oven is the perfect amount of time to cook some vegetables on the stovetop, so everything is done at the same time.

      1. Same here – Saturday is fresh fish night in our house. Oven roasted fish is my favorite. I’ll quickly sear it in a pan with a little olive oil, flip it, and let it finish cooking in a 375 degree oven for 5-8 minutes. Perfectly browned and easy to throw a sauce or something like that over it if you want. I’ll also marinade salmon in Trader Joe’s soyaki marinade, roast it the same way as above, and serve with a little jasmine rice and sauteed spinach and broccolini. That’s my go-to meal whenever we’ve been indulging and need to get back on track to regular eating.

    5. I take any kind of flaky white fish laid out in a dish and dump a can of Hatch Green Chile Enchilada Sauce or Rotel Diced Tomatos and Green Chilis over it. Pop it in the oven until done.

    6. We eat Paleo-ish at home, but I also try to minimize meat so I feel you!

      Favourites include:
      1. frozen sole or tilapia “breaded” with almond flour and spices (I do cumin, cayenne, chili pepper, smoked paprika). Dip in egg first, then breading. Then pan fry or bake with a bit of avocado oil. Serve with homemade vinegar coleslaw – I use an old boil dressing recipe but cut the sugar down to almost nothing.
      2. spaghetti squash or zoodles with jarred sauce and ground beef (or chicken)
      3. stirfry with shrimp and veggies. Don’t serve on rice if you don’t want the carbs but you can do cauliflower rice.
      4. cauliflower fried rice – food process cauli (you can do this on the weekend or buy pre-processed), cook in a pan with some oil, add carrots and peas, green onions, a couple eggs, soy or tamari and protein of choice
      5. lazy cabbage rolls/lazy egg roll in a bowl: buy a couple packages of the pre-shredded cabbage/coleslaw (its just cabbage and carrots pre-cut, no dressing or anything) every week. It is so useful. If you have ground meat (beef or pork), brown the meat in a large pan, then add seasonings and cabbage, cook til wilted. For lazy cabbage rolls, add paprika, tomato sauce, salt and pepper, bit of worchestshire if you like. For egg roll in a bowl, add ginger, garlic, tamari or soy.

    7. I would wrap a white fish filet in parchment and bake in the oven. Before you seal up the parchment paper, drizzle fish with olive oil, lemon – and you can add artichokes, capers, olives, etc. Then bake – the flavor is delicious and clean up is a breeze.

      1. Second putting the fish in parchment. We often use a combo of zucchini, yellow squash, and red bell pepper that we slice really thin on a mandoline, plus some olive oil, lemon, and thyme. Protein + veggies in one.

        I also like steaming fish. You’ll need a flat surface (we have a cheap bamboo steamer, but I think a steamer basket could also work). We place a thin fish filet with some salt on a piece of parchment and put it in the steamer. Depending on thickness, we’ll steam the fish for 5-10 minutes and then drizzle sesame oil and soy sauce on it, and top with some scallions if we have them. Sometimes we’ll use hoisin sauce. It’s super easy. We’ll often saute some greens on the side – bok choy or spinach.

      2. We love that tostada recipe, and have done it with both fresh and canned salmon. TBH, doing it with fresh salmon was a waste of time– the canned is just as good.

    9. Not what you asked, but we really love Cooksmarts for our meal planning. It feels weird to pay for recipes in 2016, but the grocery list, quality of the recipes, and cooking tips make it worth it for us. There is typically a fish dish once a week.

      1. I appreciate the tip! I was considering doing something like Blue Apron but we just don’ t have the money right now. This looks much more affordable though.

    11. I keep it simple. Frozen Costco whitefish is always in the freezer (once per week, floured lightly, pan fried 4-5 min per side) and eaten once weekly. Fresh salmon from whole foods weekly (baked/broiled or steamed in parchment paper in oven).

      Instead of a starch, I always make two vegetables. One is usually green and is steamed (spinach/chard/beet greens, green beans, peas, asparagus) and one is another color (beets, corn, squash) raw (tomatoes, salad etc…). Make sure you eat a lot of veg. Get good stuff so it tastes good.

      Rotisserie chickens are awesome, and an easy way to make two or more healthy meals.

      Scrambled eggs +/- veg/cheese. So fast.

    13. Salmon is easy. This is my favorite:

      Ingredients:
      1 lemon
      several sprigs fresh dill, plus more for garnish (I use dried dill; 1 tsp dried)
      1 tablespoon kosher salt (I usually do a little less)
      1 heaping teaspoon sugar
      pinch cayenne pepper
      4 6-ounce center cut salmon fillets with skin
      vegetable oil (I use olive oil)

      Steps:
      1. Preheat oven to 300F. Line rimmed baking sheet with foil. Zest half the lemon into a small bowl. Finely chop the dill, about 1 tablespoon in all, and add to the bowl. Stir in the salt, sugar, and cayenne pepper.
      2. Lightly brush the salmon with vegetable oil. Evenly sprinkle the spiced salt over the top (but not the sides) of the fillets and place on the baking sheet, skin side up. Roast until the bottom is glazed, the sides are opaque, and the salmon is just ooked through, about 18 minutes.

      I think these portions are for 4 filets; i usually half it for two, and cut back on the salt.

      For veggies, I use trader joe’s frozen veggie mixes, because I am lazy and hate to cook. They have some in sauces that are good.

    14. What about steamed white fish fillets, Chinese-style? Steam fish with scallions, ginger, soy sauce, sesame oil, and a dash of Chinese cooking wine. (I actually wrap this all in paper and do it in the oven.)

    16. I really like TheScramble.com
      Main recipe + side dish
      Focused on working parents, focused on healthy food, semi-processed (remember the working parents part…)

      The trick with fish is touch it as little as possible and also to almost undercook it and then it will be done.

    17. My favorites for salmon: rub a lot of dill from an herb tube (fresh herbs in a paste, like tomato paste) with lemon juice on top of the salmon, and some butter in the pan with it. I also really like a mixture of brown sugar and mustard, also rubbed on top. Both ways make a nice crust of sauce/flavor on top of the fish while its baking. I’ve come to prefer fish to chicken because its so much faster to cook!

      1. I do something fairly similar to this for salmon – so easy, and so good, but you have to be willing to eat mayo. Broil the salmon, about 4 minutes on each side, then in the last two minutes of cooking, spread mixture of light mayo (2 tbsp.) and tarragon on top of the fish. It makes a nice crust, and it looks fancier than it is. Like others have suggested, this probably also works with mustard.

    18. I like to pick up whatever whitefish is on special on the way home from work and:

      1) Sautee scallions or onions in butter, put aside
      2) Dredge fish in flour (no need for egg)
      3) Using the same pan (with a bit of scallion-y butter left), turn burner to high and cook fish for 1 min/side (time varies based on thickness).
      4) Plop scallion sauce on top. Add a little lemon juice.

      Fast and yum.

    19. We too have been trying to eat healthy lately. With a new job and general craziness it has been difficult to fit in. I have found that simple fish + veggies in foil + olive oil and seasoning (I’ve been using a lot of jerk seasoning lately) in the oven at 350 for 20-25 min has saved my sanity. Also, my husband hates salmon while I love it, so I do a chicken breast in his foil packet and salmon in mine. On the grill we do any grilled meat + grilled asparagus or zucchini or portabellas. I slather it all with the same seasonings to make my life quick and easy.

    20. We eat a lot of fish, as my husband loves it. Generally I make “packet” fish by putting the fish into a parchment or foil packet with some spices, lemon juice, etc. You can also throw veggies in with the fish too. You can bake or grill the packets.

      Our favorite marinade – http://allrecipes.com/recipe/51283/maple-salmon/

      I personally like to pan-sear the fish as I think it’s too bland otherwise but my husband has no problem eating it right from the packet.

    21. Eat salmon don’t eat tilapia.if you research tilapia it is disgusting. We call it the poop fish.

    1. Unfortunately I have an in-person “nay” to report. Those “cap sleeves” are the source of misery. The way the shoulder is cut reveals a triangle of upper-boob-fat, the “sleeve” creates an odd square shape on the arm, and the overall effect is hamhock arms. Boo.

      2. Agree with Cat. Also annoyed that it seems to be J.Crew’s lazy attempt to try to make sleeveless dresses into dresses with sleeves by slapping on a bit of cloth to the top of the shoulder seam instead of making a different pattern (e.g. smaller armholes, actual sleeves) properly suited to a sleeved dress. Not only with this dress, but that’s generally the case with all their “sleeved” dress options these days. Do they think we don’t notice?

      3. I just received this dress in black today and love it! Maybe it gives me hamhock arms … I honestly can’t tell … but I am apparently blinded by the fab neckline and the pockets, and this is going into heavy rotation.

        1. You could be the unicorn fit model… for me, (1) the armholes were far too wide when the rest of the dress fit properly, creating the odd exposure of front upper-boob skin, and (2) the tacked-on sleeve cover things just looked like censor bars for my upper arms, rather than covering most of the shoulder. Combined, total hot mess on me.

          1. I wonder if it’s partially related to the fact that I’m virtually flat chested. There simply isn’t much boob to show.

  3. PCP recommendations for NoVa?

    For the past year or so I have had some wheezing and difficulty breathing at night – thinking it may be asthma or sleep apnea, but need a good PCP to diagnose or refer to a good specialist. I feel completely drained of energy lately and at 28 years old that cannot be a good sign!

    1. I see Dr. Megha Mendriatta at Primary Care Associates on U St – I also live in NoVa but found her on ZocDoc and think it’s more than worth it.

      On the flip side, I went to Alexandria Primary Care for my first year here and hated it.

    2. I love General Internal Medicine Group in Ballston. I specifically go to Dr. Brickte DeBass or PA Lauren Naughton. I really like both of them.

    3. (I read the above too quickly and formulated the following response):

      Don’t take PCP. It will make you super strong but also completely crazy.

    4. I really like Dr Lesley Magnussen at One Medical at Farragut West- she’s a nurse practitioner with a public health background and really really lovely.

  4. Anyone have a good response for people who assume you’re married? Like contractors, car dealerships, etc. calling you “Mrs.” or asking what “you and your husband” would like to do when you’ve never mentioned a husband? When I was single, I would respond with varying levels of snark assuring people that women no longer ARE property but can in fact OWN property all on their lonesome; what a world we live in, amiright?

    But now I’m engaged and really struggling with the idea of becoming a “Mrs.” to the world. Even those pinteresty Mr. and Mrs. signs are p1ssing me off – why should I have to change from Ms. to Mrs. but he gets to stay a Mr.? If his identity doesn’t change with marriage, why must mine? I am changing my name, too, which only adds to this. I thought I was cool with the name change – my dad was abusive and my mom (inexplicably) has been waiting until I get married to change her name back. But now people ask if I’m changing my name and assume things about me or our relationship because I am. That I’m not a real feminist. That he’s a closet misogynist. I’m struggling to assert myself as still a feminist and still the same person even though I’m getting married, changing my name, and yes he does know more about construction, cars, the stock market, and sports than I do. Sorry there’s a lot to unpack here – I started with a simple question and sort of let that get out of hand, but I’d love to hear your experiences with this.

    1. Why do you have to change from Ms. to Mrs? I thought that was the whole point of Ms.

      1. +1 I’m married and fill forms in with Ms. (Though I realize that’s just one small part of the identity challenge you’re going through)

    2. maybe it depends where you live, but I’ve found it to be much less of an issue than I ever imagined. I’ve been married 10 years now, and can probably count on my fingers the number of times someone has called me Mrs. The default now seems to be just first/last names, or Ms., or else “Bobby’s mom” in the context of school/pediatrician/etc (which is annoying, but so be it).

      1. I get the OP’s confusion but +1 to your point of losing your personal identity even more when you have kids. There are so many parents whose first names I can never remember, and some are listed as “Kennedy’s Dad” or “Lucy’s Mom” in my phone. its a semantics thing at some level but also who are you aside from your marriage and your kids?? Many people don’t exhibit separate identities as individuals away from their family roles but we all do have them at some level.

    3. It doesn’t really bother me except when it happens in a professional context. I figure it’s annoying but totally innocuous. But if it’s bothering you, I think there’s nothing wrong with saying “Actually it’s Ms.” or “there is no husband, just me.” “Mrs” has NO place in the business world though, even in a more social setting. When I started my current job and got a Christmas party invitation addressed to “Mr and Mrs. [Husband’s First] [Our last]” I almost had a rage stroke. Work should be a place where I’m never “Mrs. Husband’s Name.”

      You can absolutely be a feminist and change your name, but it sounds like you’re not fully on board with the name change so I’d reassess that. Nothing wrong with keeping your name!

      1. AUGH THIS! I get so annoyed when people call me Mrs. in the workplace, or when I address people by their first name (as is common practice) and they respond to Mrs. Frozen Peach. It always feels slightly aggressive to me.

      2. Yes! We actually have a law student intern right now who is referring to everyone as “Mrs. Coworker” in emails. I think someone needs to tell him that it’s not professional, but I’ve felt weird about being the one to address it. He has done some work for me but isn’t my direct report. Should I tell my coworker who is guiding his internship that I think it’s an issue or just talk to him directly? If the latter, do you have suggestions on how to nicely bring it up? It’s his “first real job!” and he’s very earnest, so I hope it would be welcome information, but I don’t want to make him self-conscious or nonstop apologetic.

        1. I think it’s fine for you to address it. Next time he does it I would send a separate email with a subject line like ‘business correspondence’. Just point out that while it is clear that he intends to use the correct language in business correspondence, the current business practice is to address women as “Ms.” irrespective of if they are married or not.

          My dad is a lawyer and he looked at me like I was crazy when I showed him a draft cover letter using ‘Mrs’ – this was ten years ago and I was just ignorant about current business practice – I thought I was being respectful because I knew the recipient was married.

          1. Agree with this advice and that you should address it directly. And definitely disagree with Bridget’s advice, below, that you should say you use Mrs. in social situations. This is appropriate business usage, any individual’s personal/social usage is irrelevant.

          2. Jules, if he is young, he might not understand “business formal” versus “social formal.” It is entirely possible that he grew up being told to call women “Mrs.,” because that is an appropriate way to refer to your married teachers, your friends’ moms, etc.

            In an ideal world, it is irrelevant, but the kid is confusing social and professional manners.

        2. Next time he emails you as “Mrs. Name,” email back. Discuss the issue at hand.

          In the last paragraph, ask him to call you by your first name. Say that it’s a welcome relief to have interns who are too formal. Maybe mention that you’re only “Mrs. Name” in social situations, and at work, it’s First Name or Ms. Last Name.

        3. I wouldn’t go to him specifically to address that but if he’s in your office to discuss work or you’re having lunch with him, I would say, “By the way, just wanted to let you know that Ms. is the appropriate salutation to use in the workplace, not Mrs.” If it’s true you could also add “but anyway, we’re more casual here and it’s fine for you to address attorneys by their first names.”

          When I was in Big Law we had a summer who addressed me as “Mrs” in the thank you note for his interview. English wasn’t his first language and he’d never had a professional job, so I assumed this was probably just something he didn’t know (I corrected him by saying “Please call me [First Name].” But it turned out to be a larger sexism issue, beginning with trying to pay for our work lunch together because “a man should treat a woman” and culminating in asking if I got into my prestigious undergrad school because a female president had started right before I was admitted and she “wanted to make it even.” I complained to the firm. They gave him an offer anyway. I’m not at that firm anymore (and neither is he, after failing the bar twice – can you say schadenfreude?)

      3. There is a female trusts and estates partner at my firm who is very insistent that all women are to be addressed as “Mrs.” and changes all letters drafted by her assistant who had been correctly using “Ms.” I was recently switched over to that same assistant and Mrs. is such habit for her now that I have to proof every envelope before it goes out. Ugh.

          1. Oh sorry, I typed too fast–I intended to say “all married women.” She’s still wrong, but that’s a good clarification to make.

      4. That’s one thing that always drove me crazy on The Good Wife — everyone always called her Mrs. Florrick. I never hear that in real life!

        1. That always stuck out to me in the Good Wife too- I’m in tech and not in law, and assumed it was something about law that just didnt translate into other areas of business. Glad to know that I’m not the only one who thought it was weird.

    4. I am a feminist with a capital F and seriously struggled with changing my name and going from Ms. to Mrs. My short answer? I waited a year after our marriage to change my name until I was comfortable with the change. Changing your name does not mean that you need to shed your feminist viewpoints or that you are bowing to the Man. I rage (RAGE!) if people call me Mrs. Huband’s First and Last name (looking at you alma matter and insurance company). I am the feminist I was before and always will be. But here is the flip side to this truth: You will change — both you and your future husband. You are getting married, and whether that marriage lasts or does not, it will be part of who you are. You can change and morph into a new married feminist, whether it is reflected in Mrs. or not.

    5. My parents are from a part of the south where Mrs and Miss and Ms are all pronounced Mizz. Done.

      Aren’t they all short for mistress anyway? [Mistress as in postmistress, not as in unmarried femela se*ual partner [of a man].]

      Also, I am wife #2 and I think that Mrs. Hfirstname Hlastname is hilarious. And perfect. “Whomever he is married to at the time.” I have that stationery (it rather obscures that I didn’t change my name at all, just adopted this as a sometime social alias) and would hope that wives #3-7 use it up before reordering.

      1. Yea, I was really confused when I realized Miss and Ms were somehow different, because I always pronounced them both as Mizz

        1. The sound so of Mizz grates on me. I love the concept, just not the sound. I wish Miss with the soft sssss would just be the default for all three. If we could unwind history and just have Miss (abbreviated Ms.) and Mr. with no Mrs.

          1. The way they do it, it sounds lovely.

            They could recite the phone book and it would be lovely.

    6. Just to give you some more options – You can change your name without changing your name to his name. Marriage is a really easy time to change your name, bureaucratically, if you wanted to take the opportunity to take on your mom’s maiden name or something.

      1. Not in all states. In my state, you can ONLY change your name to First Middle HusbandsLast without a court petition. Anything else (including becoming First Maiden HusbandsLast!) requires going through the normal name-change process.

      2. this is a lovely idea and would surely mean the world to your mom. I’m keeping my name when I get married, which is actually my mom’s name, by way of her dad. I’m an only child and I love the idea of carrying my mom’s name on.

    7. It doesn’t bother me, but I go by Ms.

      Also I never changed my last name after marriage.

    8. For me, the thing I always try to remember is not that feminists fought just for women to be equals at work, to keep our names, etc – but that they fought for women (and men) to have a *choice* as to whether they wanted to work or stay at home, whether to change last names rather than accept his name as a default, etc. It doesn’t make you a bad feminist to think on it and make the decision that changing your name is best for you and your future family – the bad/non feminist option is to assume all women should and will make the same choice you did.

      So when people ask about it (that really care, not just the HR person who needs to know whether to change your name on your paycheck), you can say “yes, I/we thought about hyphenating or keeping my name, but in end decided I’d go ahead and change my name, since I’m not particularly attached to Smith” or whatever.

      I think the number one thing you can do in this case is continue to model the behavior you want to see – so continue to use Ms. yourself and for other women, don’t ask about “you and your husband” if you don’t know there is one, etc.

      1. “For me, the thing I always try to remember is not that feminists fought just for women to be equals at work, to keep our names, etc – but that they fought for women (and men) to have a *choice* as to whether they wanted to work or stay at home, whether to change last names rather than accept his name as a default, etc.”
        This +100!
        I don’t think I’ll change my name but that’s my choice. Everyone should make that kind of choice based on what makes them happy. You don’t have to explain it to anyone past “it’s what I wanted to do.”

        1. +1. I’m getting married next week and am changing my name – my choice. My fiancé put zero pressure on me, and asked me several times if I was sure/told me it was entirely my choice (including when we were literally filling out our marriage license application).

          I’m the breadwinner by about a factor of 5. We both wear the pants in this relationship. We are equal partners in this new chapter of our lives. But we are Team Us, and I like the idea of the whole team having the same surname.

          And I could care less what other people decide to do (including our own future children). You do you.

      2. It’s important to note, however, that feminism is more than having choices. The choices we make are influenced by the society in which we live, and not all choices are equally feminist. The very fact that, as another poster put, being “Team Us” traditional means being “Team Husbandslastname” – rather than picking a new joint surname or being “Team Wifeslastname” – is a reflection of that fact.

        1. +100000! I only have patience for the “I want to be Team Us” line of thinking when the couple has genuinely considered ALL of the options–changing to Hislast, changing to Herlast, or changing to a whole new name–before anyone changes anything.

        2. +1 million. I’ll be much more on board with the idea that feminism means having choices when men are equally as likely as women to take their partner’s last name and any other number of “choices” that women make. Until then, I fully believe that you can be a feminist and change your name, but changing your last name to your husband’s isn’t a feminist choice in itself.

        3. Yep. all of this. Also, being “Team Us” is awesome. But we have different names. Neither of us considered changing. You don’t need one to have the other.

          1. Yup. We literally refer to ourselves as “Team Mylastname-Hislastname.” As in “Team Mylastname-Hislastname will be attending the BBQ.”

          2. Yep. I changed my name when I was first married. When I divorced, it was a fantastic feeling to regain my own name again. When I married for the second time, I kept my maiden name without hesitation, although my husband was deeply disappointed.

            I reminded him if the act of a woman changing to her husband’s name equalled Team Us, then I’d still be married to my first husband.

            Having different names is sometimes confusing to others and an annoyance to me, but I’ve never doubted my decision. And my DH, despite his personal preference, is supportive and respectful of that.

        4. I completely agree with cbackson. If everyone makes the choice to take their husbands’ last names, then keeping your maiden name starts to feel like less of a viable choice and more like a decision to swim against the tide. I took my husband’s last name when I married at 22 because I didn’t know anyone who’d kept their name and it didn’t even really occur to me that it would be a choice.

          I’m now in my 30s — divorced and remarried — and have kept my maiden name this time. It does bother me though when I see almost all of my professional friends marrying in their mid to late 30s and taking their husbands’ names both personally and professionally. I get that it’s an individual choice, but we are kidding ourselves as women to think that our individual choices don’t have societal ramifications. I like knowing that my nieces, mentees, etc. know someone who is professionally successful, has a happy marriage, and has kept her maiden name.

    9. Some of the most successful women I know changed their names. Many women who kept their last names are otherwise not exactly rocking the world. (I also know people who fit the reverse pattern, but the point is that, at least from what I’ve seen, there is very little correlation between keeping one’s name and otherwise being a feminist.)

      What other people think is their own problem, not yours.

      If you are giving up the name of a man who treated you badly and taking the name of a man who supports you, loves you, and wants the best for you, that’s a win. And there’s nothing anti-feminist about that.

      Tell anyone in work who uses “Mrs.” that you are “Ms.,” just as you were before. If they call you Mrs. His First Name, etc., call them (or their husbands) by the wives’ names.

      1. Maybe I’m reading this incorrectly, but are you saying that being a feminist mean you have to be “rocking the world”? Do you have to be “successful” to be feminist? Because I think it’s a load of bull that a woman who opts to keep her name because she’s “established” in her field is able to use that as a reason not to change (and one that is often more approved of even by more traditional people), but the assumption is that a woman with a less conventionally remarkable career should just get rid of her own last name since her past doesn’t matter in a way that’s important to our capitalist society. That’s awful. Feminism is for everyone.

        2. Yes, you are reading that incorrectly.

          I did not mention money or career for a very specific reason: there is more to life than that. We are in agreement, so lose the tone.

          The few women I had in mind when I wrote that, without getting into gross detail on the internet… we all know the difference between walking the walk and not.

      1. This. And also, could it be that you are assuming what they’re assuming? Contractors and car dealers are just trying to make a living, and just trying to be polite, and I bet they feel like they can’t win for losing when it comes to addressing their customers. Honestly just a polite correction (“It’s Ms, thanks”) should do the job. (Interns in the workplace, however, should definitely be set straight. Definitely no “Mrs.” in business.)

        I changed my name the first two times I got married, and I was always “Ms.” in business and I didn’t mind being “Mrs.” socially. This time I’m not changing my name so obviously I’m not going to be Mrs. Anybody, and honestly it makes me a little wistful sometimes that this is my favorite husband of all and I’m not going to have the same name and be “Mrs.” (but at this point I’m just done and it’s not happening).

        TL;DR you do you and it doesn’t have to be a huge deal.

        1. It goes beyond being called “Mrs.” It’s also things like, Do you have your husband’s permission to come car shopping today *wink wink*, Do you need to call your husband before you sign that contract?, When is your husband getting home so we can discuss what kind of new hot water heater you want?, or, one of my faves, when I bought a necklace at a craft show – with my own card – the vendor turns to the guy I was on a fourth or fifth date with and said something like, Your wife is so lucky that you treat her to anything she wants!

          2. Ok, at that point you just acknowledge that these people are jerks and decide if you are going to do business with them or not.

            Most of these examples are more about “permission” from your husband or that the husband has some kind of knowledge of mechanical things that you as a poor dumb woman don’t – and that’s a much bigger problem to me than the assumption that there is a husband in the first place. So you either come up with a “no, I’ve got this, thanks.” response, or you tell the person you’re interested in doing business with someone that is ready to deal with you, not your husband and you leave.

            I’ve left a car dealership where the salesman treated me like I was an idiot and took my business across town to another lot – because I don’t reward fools with big commissions.

            The trickier place is when you aren’t in a position of power, like at work – and even then, all you can do is make a straightforward remark like “actually, I handle most of the home remodeling myself” and then mentally write the person off as having a sexist attitude.

          3. Heh, I once laughed and closed the door in the face of a Comcast rep who asked to speak to my husband after I said there was no way we would be signing back up for a cable package with them.

    11. I love all these responses that say, in effect “You do you but. . . [load of judgmental commentary regarding whether or not your choice is feminist enough and/or worthy of my respect.”

      1. Maybe it’s less a You Do You situation than a You Do You situation.

        A fine line maybe, but a fine line nonetheless.

    12. I can relate to your concerns. I have been married 15 years and changed my name when we got married (we were quite young). I wonder now if I would have done so if I had already gotten my graduate degree, built a reputation and a network, etc. But, I think I would have, because I like that we all have the same name in our household (not judging anyone else’s choices, just telling you about mine).

      All that said, I am a feminist (and so is my husband). I am a working mom. I was the primary breadwinner for most of the first 15 years of our marriage. We split the chores and housework and parenting. (I don’t want to say we split it “evenly”. Nothing is ever “even” and it’s never constant. It changes all the time to adjust to reality.) We are very much partners and equals. My husband and I both believe strongly that women can do what men can do and that my role outside the house is as important as his (but maybe not at the same time–we take turns and switch the priority every few years).

      In my mind, changing my name is just not where I have chosen to hang my feminist hat (a friend used that phrase years ago and it really stayed with me). I can change my name and be a feminist. One could be a stay at home mom and be a feminist. Feminism to me is about women having choices. You can choose what you want, but it’s your choice (not dictated to you by a male-controlled establishment). It’s okay to choose traditional things (like changing your last name or staying home with lots of kids) or to embrace working outside the home. You can get married, or not. Have children, or not. Have a career, or not. Have a husband who stays home while you work, or not. It’s about YOU choosing because it is YOUR life.

      As for your question about outside contractors. I have had this happen a lot, actually (especially since leaving the East Coast for the Midwest where everyone uses “Mrs. Soandso”. I sometimes ignore it. I sometimes say, “my husband is not involved, just me to deal with” in a nice tone. I had one vendor actually tell me that he would not come to the house to give me an estimate on a project unless my husband was present also. I told him I would not use him for that reason. Most of the time, it’s not an issue. If the “Mrs.” bothers you, you can say, “call me Jane”, but I think you will get used to it.

      1. In some states the reason the contractor will not give you the estimate is because if you sign it (accepting the offer and making it a contract) but your husband does not, and the contractor does the work, he can’t enforce a lien on your (homestead) property if you fail to pay. Not saying that was why the contractor refused to provide the estimate, but it could have been the reason.

    13. On the flip side to all this, my SO is always annoyed when people assume that my last name is his last name. We normally get a good laugh when everything is addressed as Mr. and Mrs. my name at events. So, there is hope for the world.

  5. Because there was some talk about the sentencing letters on behalf of Brock Turner, I thought you might be curious to see this letter from his childhood friend Leslie Rasmussen, which I thought was way more repugnant than his father’s letter (plus I sort of understand how a parent would say/do anything they think would help their kid avoid jail while a friend should be able to be a little more objective). Basically she says campus “rape” is really just political correctness and alcohol, “real” rape is when a woman gets kidnapped and raped while walking to her car alone at night, and he can’t have hurt anyone because he smiles a lot.
    http://nymag.com/thecut/2016/06/brock-turners-friend-pens-letter-of-support.html
    Apparently she’s in a band and a bunch of venues have cancelled their gigs as a result of this letter going public, to which I say GOOD!

    1. For all I know, she knows only what he / his family told her. I would put money on her not having access to the full facts until it was too late to retract. I could be wrong, but it highlights why you should be cautious when taking one person’s side of a story.

      It would have been one thing to have said “he was a good kid.” But to give an opinion on an event without facts about it is so unwise.

      1. +1
        I have a friend accused of a horrible crime. I was thinking about writing a character witness but his wife that I am also friends with (probably his-soon-to-be-ex) did not push the issue. I only know him how I know him. I would defend him if asked or needed to. But, I willingly chose not to have access to have all the facts so that I can believe in him how-he-was, not how-he-did-this (he has pled guilty).

    2. I thought it was repugnant but I have more sympathy for a 20 year old girl than for an adult man. I think one of the things that is really compelling about this case is that he was raping an unconscious woman behind a dumpster, so there’s not the he-said she-said that happens when you rape someone in a dorm room. So I thought it was odd that she was saying that it wasn’t rape because he didn’t jump out of the bushes, when I think one of the reasons the sentencing is so offensive is that he *was* a stranger who attacked a woman in public. I also think her attitude that rape is only rape if it’s done jumping out of a bush is an easily teachable moment. The dad is beyond teaching at this point IMHO.

          4. Oh man. This article is everything. “Fisher Price-meets-Trump University-level lesson plan for recognizing White privilege and rape culture.”

      2. Echoing everyone here. Just a few additional resources if you’re interested in learning more about this issue in-depth.

        David Lisak’s work on campus rape is fascinating. He explodes, with seriously vetted research, the idea that most campus rapes are due to two people having a misunderstanding while drunk. Campus rape stats are caused by a few guys who do this all the time, systematically, it’s their MO, frequently with “social support” from their friends or frat brothers. Highly recommended, if very disturbing.

        The website “I believe you, It’s not your fault” is incredible.

        And finally, every year I read the riot act to the kids I know going off to college (and my facebook friends). If you are raped, or one of your friends or hallmates is raped, DO NOT CALL CAMPUS SECURITY. YOUR FIRST CALL IS TO THE REAL POLICE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS GET A RAPE KIT. DO NOT TRUST YOUR SCHOOL TO HANDLE THIS FOR YOU. Sad that I do this every year, but I did a law school clinical on Title IX and campus rape, and this is the best advice for anyone. I hope things have changed by the time my daughter is old enough to get the speech.

      3. TBH this is the kind of a reaction that makes me feel very worried for the woman in question because I have seen it before. And often it is because if THIS thing is rape, then THAT thing that happened to them was too so the denial and repression of trauma becomes harder or impossible. I should know, I’ve been there. “If this is rape, then I, too, was raped. But if it is not rape then…. “

    3. I feel sorry for the person who wrote that letter. She is operating under the mistaken assumption that rapists are some easily identifiable subspecies of humans. That rapists aren’t charismatic, they don’t light up the room with their smile, they don’t have healthy romantic relationships. That if she saw a rapist, she would know it. She knows Brock, she thinks he’s a great guy, so he must not be a rapist.

      To admit that you are unable to tell the difference between friend or foe is to acknowledge just how unsafe the world is; that even men you think you know very well could try to hurt you. No one wants to admit that to herself. It’s easier to pretend that the world is a safe place because you could see danger a mile away.

      1. “She knows Brock, she thinks he’s a great guy, so he must not be a rapist.”

        Amen to that. The most surprising people can be rapists. One of my best friends in college was raped by a guy when she was blackout drunk. He was a mild-mannered, friendly, liberal, popular hippie-ish guy who played the guitar and was super involved in church stuff. That year was the worst year of her life because she was painted as the crazy one by men and women alike. Because there was “no way” a “nice guy” like that could do that. It was disgusting. That was 10 years ago and I still boil with rage when I think about it.

      2. Your second paragraph is so true and so terrifying. It’s hard to accept as a woman that you can be hurt by almost anyone you see.

        This also makes me realize that I should probably reduce my alcohol intake – stumbling home after a few drinks with the girls puts me in a more precarious position for sure.

        1. Second paragraph is on point.

          And Shopaholic, clearly you should reduce your alcohol intake if that’s something that you feel like you should do for your health, your safety, etc. You have every right in the world to do so and I’m not aiming this comment at you as a critique. But one of the things that this case is making me feel in a visceral way, is how the “drink less, dress more conservatively, use the buddy system,” school of rape prevention does not actually work to prevent rape. It prevents a particular woman from becoming the low-hanging fruit, as it were, but operates on the baseline assumption that someone is still going to get raped–so try and make sure it’s not you. Why the F**K do we as a society take that as our de-facto prevention plan? Why do we not actually address the real causes of rape, which are in 100% of cases, rapists? How can we as a society better educate our sons, brothers, and male friends, so that they understand their role in preventing rape? Which is to 1) not rape, and 2) use their privileged position as men to help other men understand consent and women’s bodily autonomy.

          1. oh emeralds – you are 100% right. We need to address the real causes of rape. All I was saying is that while we live in this messed up society, I need to take more steps to protect myself because no one else is going to do that.

            I made the mistake of reading the letter from the victim in my office and I was so incensed and in tears at how society treats women, especially when they’re the victims of horrific crimes.

          2. One of my primary goals in parenting is making sure my son never ends up like this POS.

          3. Oh for sure. I work in university administration and my graduate degree is in higher ed admin (tracked for student affairs); my secondary focus area in grad school was on women’s issues, and I may get to a rage-point where I quit my current gig to switch over to working in a university women’s center. All of which is to say, I have an academic background in this stuff–I’m not just pulling listicles off the internet. There is an unambiguous statistical link in multiple reputable studies between higher alcohol use and being sexually assaulted. So at the surface level, reducing alcohol consumption will reduce your risk of being assaulted–that’s a fact-based decision that I would never blame any woman for making, and actively encourage my students to pursue.

            But the thing is (and I’m sure you’re aware of this so this is really more of a PSA for anyone who is not as well versed), alcohol consumption still is not the cause of rape, no matter how much it statistically correlates. Predatory people (who are in almost all cases men) use alcohol as a tool to facilitate sexual assault. Until that gets addressed, rape is going nowhere.

          4. I think that people incorrectly conflate advice to reduce drinking to reduce your personal risk of assault with the proposition that a woman who is drunk is responsible for the fact that a man assaulted her.

            It’s a nuanced concept which lots of people simply don’t grasp or haven’t tried to (like I said earlier, people who are taught that women are asking for it will approach issues in ways that reflect that).

            You are absolutely right that drinking less may make an individual woman less of a low-hanging fruit, because drinking makes her an easier target. That does not mean that the man who raped her is any less at fault for his action or that she is at fault for his action.

            We don’t punish murderers differently based on how much effort it took the killer.

          5. Emeralds, that summed up my thoughts so well. One of the most poignant statements in the victims statement was when she wished she hadn’t drank that much but that it might have meant her rape didn’t happen but then it probably would have been someone else.

            The entire thing has been so rage inducing for me. Every so often a case comes up that captures the nation’s attention, there seems to be the start of a real movement to change rape culture but then our interest goes elsewhere and we go through it all again. I hope we can make some progress this time.

            BTW, I recommend the book Asking for It by Kate Harding. It will make you mad reading it, but it’s a great book on rape culture.

          6. The girl’s letter did a fantastic job of addressing this point, I thought. She said she shouldn’t have had so much to drink, but it’s a “mistake” that basically everyone has made, and it’s not criminal. Sexual assault is.

          7. I have to agree with anon at 11:15. No one deserves to be the victim of any crime because of what they wore, how much they drank, etc. The fault lies entirely with the criminals. But I tell my kids to look both ways before entering a crosswalk, because even if you have the right-of-way, if a car blows through the stop sign and runs you down you will still be injured or killed even though it’s 100% their fault.

    4. “But where do we draw the line and stop worrying about being politically correct every second of the day and see that rape on campuses isn’t always because people are rapists.” GIRL BYE. Let’s correctly identify the reason there is rape on campuses: BECAUSE OF RAPISTS. Not short skirts, not alcohol, not hookup culture. RAPISTS.

      I’d heard this statement is bad but I hadn’t read it in full yet. CAN. NOT.

    5. Her narrative is unintelligible garbage. The fact that she feels so entitled to state what happened, and opine on it, is galling.

      The most appalling aspect of her letter is the utter denial about what rape is/isn’t. This denial is exactly why people say that, instead of “teaching” women how not to get raped, we need to teach men not to rape. This framing is often rejected out of hand by men who say “hey now! Most men are good and would never rape anyone! They don’t need to be taught not to rape!” or “you’ll never teach a rapist not to rape.”

      Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

      Leslie’s letter, and the father’s attitude, demonstrate that people do not (or do not want to) understand what rape is and what actions constitute rape. They do not acknowledge that rape is not only a stranger in the bushes, or child molestation, but rather can come in packages like Brock. No man is born a rapist. Barring those with an obviously sociopathic will to harm, boys learn at some point that it is ok, or acceptable, or that they will not get caught when they have s3x with women who can’t consent or don’t consent. When men grow up in an environment where ideas like “boys will be boys” and “she was asking for it” and “no means yes” proliferate, they do not learn and internalize the idea of consent. They do not learn that they are not entitled to touch a woman’s body. They do not learn that they, and they alone, are responsible for their actions.

      Leslie obviously missed the memo, too, and she’s not the only young girl who has. Women who grow up hearing these messages and who accept them as true are vulnerable to many types of suffering.

      1. YES. I will never forget the night I went to my college’s Take Back the Night event, where survivors of sexual assault had the opportunity to anonymously share their stories with the audience. It was so clear that these people, all of whom were women except for one man, were absolutely wrecked by their experiences–they cried, their voices shook, they had to walk away from the mic to collect themselves. They described depression, suicide attempts, almost failing out of school. Only one of them had what f**king Leslie Rasmussen, Brock Allen Turner, and his troglodytic father would have thought was a “real rape.”

        Probably 20 people spoke. So what? 18 women and one man what, hallucinated? Made it up for attention? Spoiler alert: NO.

        1. The attention the accusing victims get is so negative, so personal, so accusatory of THEM and their actions, clothes, background, descisions… why would anybody seek that out, ever?

          1. Seriously. It’s like people who think that being gay is a “choice”. Oh, really? Who would choose to be gay in a society that treats gay people like second class citizens?

          2. Here’s my confession. Part of my job involves helping victims that come forward. I have resolved that if I am ever sexually assaulted and have the choice, I will not report and will not prosecute. The cost to the victim is too huge. And I work in a “protect society” role.

          3. I didn’t report because I knew exactly what about me would be brought up if I did, I knew it was my word against someone more powerful than me and who had more money than me, I didn’t think anyone would believe me, and I believed that people would make it out to be my fault because I was drinking.

      2. It also propagates the idea that you’ll only be raped if you do something to put yourself in danger (“good girls don’t get raped”) which is another aspect of the whole rape culture and victim blaming thing.

        1. Right, exactly. The burden of men’s poor behavior is placed squarely on women’s shoulders.

          Basic principle of law: You place responsibility for an action with the party who has the ability and the right to control the action. Victim blaming in this way assumes that women can, and must, control men’s actions. We all know that’s crap.

          Tell you what. If I’m forced to take responsibility for the man’s actions, then I demand the right and ability to control them.

      3. +100 So much your first sentence of the second paragraph.

        A girl was raped in the first two months of freshman year by an acquaintance. Mutual acquaintances (all female) verbally/mentally/emotionally attacked the victim, telling her it happens to everyone, how can you call it rape, he’s such a good guy, though, etc etc. WHO TAUGHT THEM THIS?!

        1. Guy in my friend group raped girl in my friend group. Girl never officially reported and told the rest of the friend group years later when she wanted to request rapist no longer be invited to social functions she would be at. There was so much “but who do we believe?” in the group. Why should we take her word over his? She didn’t report it! Why did she wait so long to tell us. All I could think was how freaking hard it must have been to finally tell us. The people I (and her) still talk to ghosted him because we didn’t want him to find out that she had told us. We were worried he’d confront her. I’m sure he’s figured it out now. The worst part. Last I checked he was employed in a position of power that requires a background check.

          1. It never ceases to amaze me what mental gymnastics people go through to keep their social group in tact to the benefit of “good guys”. Guy assaults girl, girl doesn’t want to be around him anymore. “Well we don’t want to take sides, so being neutral means we’ll keep hanging out as a group and everyone is welcome to join.” That’s not neutral. You ARE picking a side. His. By not excluding him, you’re excluding her. Don’t pretend that refusing to stand up to him is avoiding conflict.

            Closing rank around a “good guy” is more important than protecting his victims from any kind of bad behavior he might exhibit – whether it’s verbal, physical, or sexual.

          2. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

            “That’s not neutral. You ARE picking a side. His. By not excluding him, you’re excluding her.”

            So.much.this.

    6. There have been some times in which a woman has said something was rape that was not, and there are some real problems with the way rape statistics are reported.

      This is NOT one of those times or related to that issue. “Unconscious behind a Dumpster” is rape, not “campus promiscuity,”l per Brock’s father, or some problem with people not communicating well.

      1. You have *got* to be a troll. Any time there’s racism or s3xism to defend, bridget is there!

        “There have been some times in which a woman has said something was rape that was not, and there are some real problems with the way rape statistics are reported.”

        How the F*** is this relevant to anything I said? Why are you trying to derail the conversation and attempt to cast doubt on women’s experiences?

      2. That’s true with every crime. There are some fires that were really arsons for insurance money. There are some men who say they got mugged because they left their wallet at a strip club. There are some some people who say they were hit by a car but really they crashed their own car. But there is no other crime where that is brought up so so so consistently. When my credit card got stolen no one asked if I was drunk shopping or if I was sure I didn’t order those things and get embarrassed later. Everyone just believes me because why would j make that up? in any crime there is a small small percentage of victims that are lying. With rape the victim has to be perfect and even then there is still this- still people defending this guy in the comments section of news articles even after he was found guilty on 3 counts.

          1. To follow through on my analogy it’s what makes these discussions so crazy. No one asks me “are you sure you didn’t do some online shopping while you were buzzed” because they know that I know the difference. Yes I have had my inhibitions lowered and ordered a dress with side cutouts that I know isn’t going to work for me. But you know I clearly know the differnece between that and having my card stolen so no one questions me like that. Rape is so different- we treat women like they don’t even know the difference between sex and rape which says so much about how we expect them to view and participate in sex.

          2. +1
            This “says so much about how we expect women to view and participate in sex.”

      3. There have been some times when people claim something was stolen only to have lied to collect insurance money. We don’t ask theft victims if they’re sure they didn’t want to get rid of it.

        Rape is not falsely accused any more than other crimes! Every time a rape accusation is made, people start to speculate and bring up that false claims happen. This Has To Stop.

        1. My understanding is that it is actually among the highest – the 2% statistic being deeply flawed, and most estimates are about 8%. That is one in twelve.

          (On th flip side, many women do not report, which is a huge problem.)

          1. Would love to see some citations for this. I’ve read a lot on this (like, peer-reviewed studies for my graduate degree) and I’ve never seen “most estimates” around 8%. In fact, a lot of the studies returning 8%+ rates have been challenged on serious methodological grounds.

  6. I had an interview with a recruitment consultant last week which seemed to go well. We chatted about my cv and experience but I was thrown at the end when he said I seemed too quiet for the type of work I do. I’m quite reserved personality wise, but open up once I get to know people.

    I work with a LOT of “big personalities” but that’s just not me. I get my work done by building relationships with people, not just shouting the loudest. It’s always worked for me and I’ve become the go-to person when people need help (so it doesn’t seem a problem here).

    Does anyone have any tips for coming across as more confident/assured in interviews (assured no real life)?

    I get so nervous in interviews, which doesn’t help.

    1. It might help to disconnect the concepts of being reserved and being confident in your mind. They have nothing to do with each other. A quiet, calm, assured way of speaking is more likely to come across as real confidence than a loud, aggressive style.

  7. I just have to vent about TripAdvisor. I’m having the hardest time getting a critical review published there. I had a horrible stay at a hotel that has great ratings on TA and I wrote up a very harsh, but totally accurate review. It was in “pending” purgatory for weeks and I contacted TA about it multiple times and they finally rejected it, citing vulgar language. It had the phrase “BS” in it, which is hardly vulgar, but ok. I revised the review to remove the phrase “BS” and re-submitted the review. It’s been pending now for several days and I’ve tried contacting them and haven’t heard anything. I hate this advance screening of reviews, and I suspect the reason the hotel has such good ratings is that they’re somehow sponsoring TA and TA is making it tough to get negative reviews of the hotel published. I have a lot of friends who have had similar problems with censorship on TA. I really wish someone would build a TA alternative (besides Yelp, which has a very limited international presence), because I think that website is just so terrible and there could really be a market for a competitor (and not just because of the censorship – I think their interface is so terrible. They didn’t even have a function to search reviews until, like, last year!!).

    1. Thanks for posting this. I use TA a lot but never both to write reviews so I had no idea this was an issue.

      1. No, reviews on Yelp are published immediately, they don’t need to be “approved” the way TA reviews do. Some reviews later go into a “filtered” section where I believe they don’t count towards the star average of the business. They’re there on the site (unlike TA “pending” reviews), but they’re certainly harder for people to see. But this filtration is based on the reviewer, not the content of the review. They claim they have a fancy algorithm, but it’s essentially “how many reviews have you written.” If you’ve written one or two reviews, they will likely be filtered (regardless of whether they’re 1, 3 or 5-star reviews). If you write a few more reviews, all your reviews will come out of the “filtered” section. It’s designed to weed out fake reviews (e.g. a business hires a bunch of people to write 5-star reviews and all of these people have only reviewed that one business), not to censor negative reviews. I’m a regular Yelp reviewer and have never had problems with any negative review not showing up.

        1. Ah. I guess I don’t post on Yelp enough for them to display my reviews. I’ve found some shady practices on their site either way, like not displaying the reviews of folks who live in my apartment building, but displaying the reviews that are written by the management company. I guess no site is perfect.

        3. Yelp is pretty notorious for being the review “mafia” and harassing businesses to buy ads on the site or have all their positive reviews filtered out. Yelp also filters out bad reviews for companies that buy ads. So I agree that there should be a better alternative, but that alternative also needs to be an alternative to Yelp. Yelp expanding internationally would not help.

    3. I’m a reviewer on TA and haven’t had this experience, but also haven’t submitted a scathing review since TA started offering reservation services. I have one bad experience that I still need to write up, so I’ll report back if TA drags their feet on that one.

    4. I don’t have personal experience with having a review rejected, but I’ve long suspected that something like this is going on, because I’ve noticed that for any given business the TripAdvisor rating is typically one half to a whole star higher than the Yelp rating for the same business. I suppose there could be other explanations for this, but one obvious one is that Trip Advisor weeds out bad reviews in a way Yelp doesn’t. Because it’s higher across the board, I doubt the business has a sponsorship or anything. I suspect Trip Advisor just likes being a place where the vast majority of businesses have great reviews. I agree with Wild Kitten that Yelp isn’t perfect – they’ve had some big scandals and lawsuits about adjusting reviews for businesses that pay for ads – but they certainly have lower average ratings than Trip Advisor. I adjust for this when planning travel, and generally look for businesses that have a 4.5 or higher rating on Trip Advisor while 4 stars or higher is my standard for Yelp.

    5. I like Booking.com, and have generally found their hotel reviews to be pretty accurate. Also, you can only leave a review if you’ve booked your reservation through them, and you can only submit a review within a certain period (I think 2 weeks) following your stay. I find their rates to be generally the same as Hotels.com and other sites, and I almost exclusively book through them.

  8. Cubicle Question: I am fortunate to have a real office with a door that closes. Right outside my office is a field of cubicles where some members of my team sit. The two that sit directly outside my door like to talk over their cubicle wall to each other. I am supposed to keep my door open and even closing it part-way allows their discussions to filter into my office. I am relatively new and don’t want to make a bad impression. Thoughts?

    2. Is it mostly work conversations, or general chatter? I don’t think it would be too off-putting to say “Hey guys, I don’t know if you realized it, but your voices carry pretty far in here, and it’s kind of distracting. Would you mind keeping it down a little or talking together in one cube instead of over the cube walls? Thanks.”

      But otherwise, I still wind up with one headphone in, or soft classical music playing on my computer speakers, and it’s understood in my office’s “open door” culture that shutting the door is ok when you need true quiet, like phone calls.

      1. Don’t say that. They are acutely aware that you, their team member, has a door on her office, and they do not. Shut your door nicely when it’s bothering you and leave it open when it won’t.

        1. Yea, that isn’t going to come across well. Shut your door and put a note on it that says “feel free to come in” or something else to let people know your door is “open” even if it is closed.

        2. I don’t think she can shut the door–she’s expected to keep it open. Rely on your headphones for now. There will be a time/place to bring this up, but it’s just not now.

  9. I don’t think she can shut the door–she’s expected to keep it open. Rely on your headphones for now. There will be a time/place to bring this up, but it’s just not now.

    1. We recently used Beltway Movers for our few miles away job in DC and they were fantastic! I’m not sure what you mean by full pack, but they dissassembled beds, wrapped big furniture very carefully, moved all of our boxes from both our condo and a storage unit, and then moved everything in and reassembled beds. All in just a few hours. I was very impressed and highly recommend them!

    2. I haven’t heard of them. We used Joe Brown movers for a local move a few years ago and had a good experience. Also used JK Moving for a longer move across states last year and loved them. When I was soliciting feedback last year before our big move, I got a bunch of positive recommendations for Gentle Giant, McKendree, Bookstore Movers, and Town & Country. Good luck!

    3. I used Anytime Movers a couple weeks ago for a pack and move to a new place a mile away. Cannot recommend them enough. I ended up having a situation that was complete pain in the a$$, with the new condo building cutting off my move at 5 pm when I still had a few pieces of furniture left. My moving team called the head of Anytime Movers, put me on the phone with him, and he offered to just keep my furniture in the truck overnight and then send a couple guys back the next morning to finish the move, all at no extra charge. Really just amazing customer service in the middle of what was a very very stressful situation.

    4. I know this is late, but I hope you see it! I used Metropolitan Moving & Storage back in 2013 to move from Maryland to NYC and they were fantastic. They did a full pack for us, and a simple unload (i.e., they did not unpack our boxes, but put boxes where we wanted and reassembled necessary furniture like the bed). They were on time, professional, and easy to work with.

      1. Yayyyy! Thank you so much for responding. Exactly what I needed to hear. :)

  10. So on my yahoo news page there is a story on how people are furious over Hillary Clinton’s $12000 Armani coat that she wore while giving a speech on equality. What makes me see red is nowhere is anyone posting or writing articles about Trump’s gold-plated toilets.

    I can’t stand this election.

    1. It’s not really a double standard.

      H has claimed recently that she was dead broke when she left the WH and claims to stand for me, the little working woman. At least FLOTUS and I shop at some of the same stores. I don’t think that H and I overlap at all!

      I really, really like that FLOTUS dresses like an actual woman. I wouldn’t even know where to buy that Armani coat!

      For The Donald, he has never claimed to be anything but a big spender. So while he is many things, and the press is many things, I don’t think it’s being unfair to H here. AND I think the press could be harsher, way harsher: for all this $, she would probably look better had she just shopped at Chicos (that that I would totally repsect her for).

      1. because “actual women” don’t know where to buy Armani? *eyeroll* – you might want to avoid the Monday suggestions on this website.

        1. That was such a loaded sentence. I read it as implying that FLOTUS dresses more like a woman should dress, i.e. more femininely. (For the record my personal style is closer to FLOTUS’s than Secretary Clinton’s but I think “actual women” can wear whatever they want!)

          1. No — it’s like FLOTUS wears dresses from mall stores. You can look fantastic dressing from mall stores. You don’t need a comma in a price tag to look appropriate.

      3. Oh, please. If she put on the jacket for a speech to Goldman Sachs and took it off for a speech about inequality, then she’d be railed against, too, for being inauthentic.
        You don’t need to be poor to talk about income inequality.
        And Chico’s sucks. And FLOTUS Obama looks good right now because that’s her job — she doesn’t develop policy, hasn’t served in the Senate, or traveled as Secretary of State, or hit the campaign trail in awhile. Go ahead, compare. You’re not doing Dems or feminism or poor people any favors.

        1. I think that when FLOTUS worked at Sidley she dressed well. She’s smart and self-made and I love that she shops from stores I shop at (maybe she waits for the discount code, maybe she doesn’t). But I do love that she will wear JCrew and DVF.

          She is still a BigLaw attorney to me.

        2. Exactly. The Roosevelts were an incredibly wealthy family and yet FDR was an incredible advocate for the poor. I doubt that anyone cared what he wore. Let’s focus on the policies/strengths and weaknesses of their ideas rather than what they are wearing.

      4. I don’t think Chiccos has personal shoppers who will pick out appropriate, well-fitted clothes (made out of nice materials that won’t wrinkle over a 16 hour day) for you and get them tailored and sent to you while you are traveling between meetings with world leaders or dashing in between campaign speeches. This sartorial scrutiny was gross when it was Sarah Palin and is gross now. The fact is, men can wear variations of the same nondescript suits every day and no one can tell the difference, and no one really cares, and women just can’t get away with wearing the same thing every day. Hillary gets probably as close as you can.

    2. But Trump isn’t sitting on the gold toilet while crowing about equality. Granted, he seems unconcerned with equality at all, which is a much bigger problem. But wearing a $12,000 coat while talking about equality is textbook hypocritical. Viewed as an independent occurrence, it really is ridiculous for anyone to wear a $12,000 coat while talking about equality. In the bigger picture, it’s ridiculous for anyone to wear a $12,000 coat at any time, but it’s not always hypocritical– it’s hypocritical when you’ve made the poor a banner issue for your campaign.

        1. I’m a republican, actually. You seem a little angry. Most posts on this forum attempt a modicum of politeness in discourse, even among those who disagree. You may want to find somewhere else to spew.

          1. You don’t have to sell your earthly possessions and wear a hare shirt to campaign against income inequality. Also, “you seem a little angry.”

          2. There’s a spectrum between “hare shirt” and “five figure coat.” No, you don’t have to be poor to understand income inequality. But as someone commented already, not poor =\= five figure coat.

          4. Being a republican doesn’t disqualify someone from opining that a politician who wants to help the poor shouldn’t wear a coat that costs Twelve. Thousand. Dollars.

            (Also, being a republican doesn’t make someone a Trump supporter.)

      2. Pretty sure actually being poor isn’t a requirement to be opposed to inequality and it was one part of a wide ranging speech.

      3. +1 this is exactly how I feel. A woman being criticized for an not so well thought out decision is not de facto sexisim. It was a bad decision. You don’t have one other coat you could wear? Come on. I expect people who want my vote and who want to be POTUS to think a little harder than this.

        1. “I expect people who want my vote and who want to be POTUS to think a little harder than this.” About fashion? Geez. I would much rather candidates for POTUS be thinking about gun control, national security, how to stop the middle-class from disappearing, etc etc….time spent thinking about fashion is time they’re not thinking about real problems.

          1. Yeah, but it’s a choice to have the 5-figure coat. It’s not like one happens to just have them cluttering up the closet (but as one does, I guess).

            I get the Dowager Countess doing it. But she is trying to be Violet. Or Lady Sybill. Which is fine, but not in the Dowager Countess’s 5-figure coat.

          3. It’s like people who fly their private planes to climate change conferences. I respect the person flying commercial more (doubly-so if they are in coach with me).

        2. Also please stop giving so many f@cks about what Hillary wears! Not sure why female politicians get called out on their clothing choices when men can wear a $120 or $12,000 suit and no one can tell the difference. She gets shit when she dresses “poorly” she gets shit when she dresses “nicely.” She doesn’t have to don the mantle of poverty to have compassion and ENACT ACTUAL EFFECTIVE POLICIES that help alleviate poverty and income inequality.

          1. Many people would be equally incensed if they knew a man was wearing a $12,000 suit. It is the media’s fault that we never know what men are wearing, but if we did, we’d be mad. Remember when everyone got mad about John Edwards’ expensive haircuts?

          2. +1. I’m not the biggest Hillary fan in the world (because of actual policy positions) (yes I will still vote for her). But really? The biggest thing we have to talk about in the current presidential race is Hillary’s coat? Ahaha. No.

          4. I would absolutely care if a man wore a $12,000 suit, but as someone has already pointed out, the media doesn’t report that. I don’t support Hillary or Trump (or Bernie for that matter), so quite honestly, I’d like to wake up in 8 years and pretend none of this ever happened. But since we are here, and someone brought it up, I decided to give my opinion, as I have the right to do. Just as you have the right to disagree, ignore, or whatever else you would like to do.

            Carry on folks!

      4. But there is no way for her to win this battle. If she wore a $700 coat, people would be making the same arguments. Should she only be wearing thrifted clothing?

        2. Nah, I woudn’t care about a $700 coat. She’s got to spend that speech money somewhere after all.

          2. so she spent her money on that coat. Big deal. It’s her money. In contrast to a big-shot entrepreneur, her income is not reliant on exploiting low-income workers, aka wage inequality.

          3. Nah, the worst is saying all sexual assault victims must be believed while your past actions prove you mean only those sexual assault victims your husband didn’t assault . . . damn bimbos.

      5. So what price point should you wear while talking about inequality on the basis of income? A flour sack dress? Hairshirt? She didn’t take a vow of poverty and based on her tax returns she can afford the blazer.

        1. agree 100%

          It would be one thing if she explained to the audience that she was wearing a 12K coat, you know, to demonstrate what they could aspire to or something, but that is obviously not what happened. she got dressed and other people decided to dig in to see how much her coat cost. which is truly ridiculous.

    3. Every time this comes up, all I can do is flash back to Sarah Palin’s Naughty Monkey shoes.

  11. I’m visting a friend in Europe from the US soon. I would like to take a small gift for her two kids (2 and 5-6). I was thinking books, but appreciate any more creative (but still packable) ideas.

    1. How about baseball hats of your local team? Easy to pack, and “cool” because they are from the U.S. Otherwise, books in English are always appreciated by expat families (maybe not so much if the family doesn’t speak English). You could also ask your friend for any specific likes or dislikes – my daughter loves Hello Kitty at age 2 and son loves Legos at age 6, but that isn’t necessarily an across the board thing.

    2. Toy emergency vehicles from your city (or NYC). Emergency vehicles (police cars, fire trucks, ambulances) look so different in Europe, and kids seem to get a kick out of seeing that and playing with it. Look on amazon, that type of toy can range from matchbox-car size to somewhat larger and more detailed.

      1. My favourite gift* as a kid was the toy vehicles my grandfather would bring from his business trips! He worked for Volvo and then CAT tractors so he’d actually ask for the model vehicles of cars and tractors and take them home for us. We had a huge collection until recently when we gave most of them to a young collector who loves them just as much. My friends always thought they were the coolest.

        * Not counting when my great-aunt would ship me the new Harry Potter books from England before their NA release date.

    3. I still get a kick out of seeing different brands of common household products when I travel to other countries, and there are lots of options that would be “American”, relatively cheap and easy to pack together with a book. My kids inexplicably loved Bandaids at those ages. Toothpaste could be an option too. If the kids are American expats, you could ask the parents if there are any foods that they miss from home.

      1. Yes, did the parents or kids live in the US for any extended period of time, and did they have any favorite items that aren’t easy to find in Europe? When one friend was in Australia she really wanted peanut butter and Reese’s cups in her care packages, and another friend in Asia asked for Kraft Mac & Cheese. Cracker Jack, peanuts, Old Bay seasoning – anything else regional?

        Stickers are popular with pretty much all kids, so you could see if you could find some “patriotic” themed ones – they should be available now since 4th of July stuff is out in stores. Or temporary tattoos- my kids LOOOOVE those, and they would be easy to pack.

        Do you have a shared alma mater? Swag from there for the kids (t-shirts, keychains, etc) would be cute and easy to obtain.

        1. My SIL is an expat and every time we go visit we are tasked with brining goldfish crackers and Girl Scout cookies (if available). Snacks can be a totally fun gift.

    4. American candy – I always look at European candy in delight so I think the reverse would work. It’s a personal goal of mine to consume candy wherever I go.

    5. Stomp rockets. Seriously. They are small and kids LOVE them. Avail on Amazon for under $20.

  12. Can anyone recommend a good PCP in Atlanta area?

    We’d ideally like a one-stop family practice that me, my husband, and our kid (in a pinch) could go to, but an adult PCP or GP would be great as well. Bonus points if they’re good with people who are nervous/have issues about doctors.

    1. Second this question, but we’ve had good luck with 2 local health chains: Piedmont Physicians (in Brookhaven and elsewhere) and also Laureate Medical Group intown and out in the burbs near my job.

      I’m looking for someone to take main care of me after I give birth this summer… I don’t love my ob/gyne and they only seem to like 1 or 2 parts of me so I’d like a PCP that is truly primary.

      Are you frozen because of the air conditioning inside? Supposed to be a heat wave this weekend…

      1. We’re all freezing today!! And thanks, this rec can at least get us someone to see if we really need it.

        Congrats on your impending baby! Where are you delivering? I’m in the market for other working mom friends if you’re interested in meeting up.

        1. I’m a working Atlanta soon-to-be-mom as well – let me know if you guys decide to meet up or exchange information, I’d love to connect with some more Atlanta ladies (we’re recent transplants to the area).

  13. Work question. I work for a small startup that does a lot of research and publishing, and am looking for good ways to manage our burgeoning body of literature (own publications and materials that we’ve come across in literature review). Short of chucking everything in a Google Sheet…Suggestions?

      1. Mendeley is free and easy to use and well designed. It has some collaboration features, but I can’t tell you how well they work.

  14. New job asked for my ‘mother’s maiden name’ as part of security checks. I responded with my ‘mother’s surname at birth.’

    Was that the wrong time and place to be feminist?

    2. I didn’t know “maiden name” was sexist. Is it because it assumes she changed her name to a married name at some point?

    4. Your question is loaded but yes it comes off as petty. Maiden name on a security check is pretty standard usage

    5. It’s the right place for a security check — my mother is still alive, still married to my dad, and still uses her surname at birth, having never legally changed her name. Anyone could find out my deepest, darkest account numbers. Security fail.

    7. Similarly, so many forms have alphabetized checkboxes for everything except male and female.

      As someone said upthread on a different post, words do matter. I don’t know that I would have done what you did, but I understand the impulse.

    8. I particularly love this, since my name at birth is not the same as my maiden name

    1. I like Dr. Hoffman, at 12th and Chestnut. There is another dentist (I think a woman) in his office as well. The hygienists (who, face it, are the ones you see for most of the time anyway) are all great.

    2. Dentistry at 1818 Market — they’re good at keeping to their schedule, very efficient, though it may take a month or two to schedule a cleaning (it’s not an issue once you’re already a customer as you book your next 6-mo cleaning while you’re there)

  16. Has anyone transitioned from the private practice of law to working in a business development / marketing / recruiting position at a firm? I’m debating the switch and would like to hear others’ experiences. Do you miss the actual practice of law?

    1. I’ve not done it, but I know others who have (at my firm and others). I would warn you, and I mean this kindly, that the general perception among attorneys of those who make the switch is that they have flunked out of being an attorney.

      1. Yup. Definitely agree with this. That said, many of these people seem much happier than they were as attorneys. If you can deal with some snobbery, it can be a great move.

    2. It’s practically the dream of most (not so good) female attys at my firm to land a recruiting/development position. They are actually hard to land bc there’s a lot of competition for a limited number of spots, and once people get in, they don’t really leave. For the people that I know who did this, no — they don’t miss the practice of law bc it wasn’t for them — many just did not want to work the hours and many just did not understand what they were doing. This allows them to be in the law firm world while working 9-5 and still say they work for Vault50 Firm. I would also caution you re perception and future options if you go down this road.

  17. Curious as to what pricier products you find are really worth the cost.

    I wear drugstore makeup and use cheap shampoo – L’oreal etc. Most of my beauty purchases are around $10. Yesterday I bought Nexus shampoo and conditioner, for around $20 each, and today my hair is softer, easier to style, etc.

    What other small upgrades (i.e. I am not going to start buying $70 mascara) do you recommend and make a real difference in your daily life?

    1. I think higher end eye makeup is worth it. I use Tarte mascara and Urban Decay liner, primer, and shadows. Every now and then I try to find a drugstore equivalent, but I’m usually disappointed and go back to products that I know work on my eyes/skin.

    2. Better hairdryer – better hair.
      I liked my T3 before I destroyed it. And I like my Rusk now.

      1. yes! absolutely worth it. I resisted for so long but now I hate drying my hair with anything else. totally worth the cost.

    3. More expensive foundation (around $40-50). Makes a huge difference in how long it stays on my face and coverage. Also, using primer (MakeupForever or Smashbox) before foundation. I still use drugstore mascara, lip products, and body lotion.

      1. For me, it’s the skin/face stuff that really matters. I pay $40 for Laura Mercier tinted moisturizer because there’s no substitute for the quality and coverage. But I do mix it with a cheaper drugstore moisturizer or Neutrogena sunscreen so that it goes on better and lasts a little longer…

    4. I love Bumble & Bumble shampoo, but I buy the liters during the Sephora sale, which drives down the price quite a bit (less than half the price of buying the 8 oz bottles!) so if you enjoy high end shampoo, watch for those deals. It takes me about 9 months to go through a liter. (I have fine, but long, hair)

      I also use high-end makeup products – I don’t wear makeup every day but did the same when I did. The products are so pigmented you use less and they last longer than drugstore, so while the initial outlay is higher, it’s kind of a wash at the end.

    5. I’m willing to splurge for shampoo and conditioner, but only because I found a brand that works significantly better than anything else I’ve tried. Number 4 (the brand name) Hydrate collection is the only one I’ve ever used that allows me to air dry my hair and have it be smooth enough for me to feel comfortable without needing to curl or straighten it. Its $60 but totally worth it for me.

    6. Most makeup. It’s easier to find matches in foundation/powder/concealer at a counter and there’s the opportunity to get samples and test drive options before buying. Eyeshadows and eyeliners tend to be more pigmented and finer-milled, and they’re often sold in single pans so you can put together a palette of colors you’ll actually use rather than buying a palette and having one or two orphan shades you never reach for. Also, the pans are usually bigger and last far longer. That said, there are nice options at all price points. I have favorite eyeshadows from Bobbi Brown ($25) as well as NYX Cosmetics ($4.50),

      Mascara is a toss up. I’ve found good options at both ends of the price spectrum, and since they need to be replaced every so often, it makes more sense to go low end.

      Go check out the reviews at beautypedia dot com. I’ve found them to be really useful.

  18. Is there something sinister going on with the way people/media refer to Hillary Clinton as “Hillary” but Donald Trump as “Trump”? It’s bugging me, but I can’t quite put my finger on whether it’s problematic or not. I know she has branded herself as “Hillary” and he has branded himself as “Trump.” I also know people generally refer to Bernie Sanders as “Bernie.” But there just seems to be something… strange about the way people refer to them as “Hillary” and “Trump.” Am I alone in this? Being too sensitive?

    1. Yeah I’ve wondered about this too. My own instinct is to say “Hillary” and “Bernie” but “Trump,” “Cruz” and “Rubio.” I identify as liberal so maybe I’m just being less formal with the friendlier candidates? (Although after the last few months, I would hardly describe Bernie as someone I have friendly feelings towards). It might also be because “Hillary” distinguishes her from Bill Clinton in a way that just saying “Clinton” does not? I think there’s probably some sexism in play though for sure.

    2. You’re not being too sensitive. Names mean a lot. Many people refer to President Obama as “Obama” instead of the formal title. Not many people refer to former Senator and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton with her title either.

      1. Fine, I get that. But I also referred to Bush by just his last name when he was president, so have a hard time believing it is a sign of respect/disrespect

    3. It bothers me in general when women are called by their first names but men are called by their last names. I make a bit of an exception for the Clintons because I grew up in the Clinton era, so “Clinton” to me = Bill. Now that Hillary has taken center stage I tend to refer to them both by their first names.

    5. I believe Hillary Clinton rebranded herself as ‘Hillary’ for her first senate campaign. It may have been a response to sexist reactions to her (it made her appear less aloof) but she bears some responsibility here.

    6. Her campaign logo and branding is a giant “H” – while I hear your concern, I don’t think it applies here. Also, Trump has a massive “Trump” brand, so I think it’s fairly natural/deliberate in this situation.

    7. I do think this happens (like with “Carly” ) but agree that she had done some branding on this to try to be “Hilary” more in day to day usage. In more formal settings or when someone like a newscaster is speaking about both they should use full names and or titles

      1. Yeah, I think Fiorina is a better example. There are a few reasons why the use of “Hillary” doesnt’ bother me: 1) there’s another Clinton in national politics, 2) she self-branded as Hillary (maybe because of #1) and 3) people seem to use Bernie when they call her Hillary and when they describe him as Senator Sanders they describe her as Secretary Clinton. But Carly Fiorina was called “Carly” in the same breath that her fellow candidates were referred to as “Mr. Trump” and “Senator Cruz.”

        1. I also think Carly Fiorina is a much better example for the same reasons. (Similar to “W” Bush).

          For the brief time she was Ted Cruz’ running mate, they were referred to as “Cruz and Carly”. Yes, it’s alliterative – but it’s also diminutive.

          1. Counterpoint: Palin has always been Palin or (Former) Governor Palin, even though she was torn apart in the media in every other way. The pattern seems irregular to me, but I definitely understand the point the OP is making.

    1. Not sure if your hair is stick-straight, but I accomplish this look with a blow dryer. I use some kind of texturizing product (loving the Thick spray by Russ). Tousle hair with hands while blow drying until mostly dry. Then I take small sections and twist them tightly, blow drying each until dry. Hold for a second or two while cooling, then move onto next piece. I don’t do too tiny of sections – maybe 6 for my whole head – and this takes as long as it does to blow dry my hair straight. Separate the waves as needed, some smoothing cream if frizzy and a little hair spray, and done. If it’s losing umph by late day, I flip my head upside down and tousle with my hands, which adds a little volume too the look.

    2. I think a wand helps – my hair is longer but I use a wand that tapers at the end to get a similar look. Also, take bigger chunks of hair than you think you should so the waves are less defined. And I always think it looks better on second day hair, too.

    3. I thought I posted already, so apologies if this comes through twice:

      I have longer hair than this, but I do the tousled wave look and I think three things help: (1) a tapered curling wand, (2) second-day hair, or texturizer, and (3) curling larger chunks of hair than I think I should.

    5. Yep, agree with these posts, but in general I’d recommend something that texturizes hair (Aveda tonic maybe) plus a tapered curling wand. Curl from halfway down the shaft to just before the ends, don’t hold the heat on for too long so you don’t get a super-defined “curl”. Spray each section but don’t brush the curls. When the whole head is done flip it over and run your hands through it a bunch to loosen/shake it up.

    6. I just brought a similar photo to my hairstylist last week! My hair is exactly that length, not as thick. She instructed/showed me:
      – Use a 1 inch curling iron
      – Section off hair into top/bottom (clip up top section)
      – Choose 1-2 inch sections, leaving the bottom inch out (so it stays straight), curl away from your face. Repeat with clipped up top section
      – Spray with texturizing hairspray (I like Kevin Murphy Doo Over, my sis likes Kenra)
      – Let the curls cool for 5-10 min, then rake fingers through your hair to blend. I actually use a brush sometimes too.

      She told me the key is to leave out the chunk at the bottom. It keeps it from looking too twee and precious.

  20. I don’t really know how to approach this- I see a lot of things that I find deeply objectionable. Pervasive racism and sexism are the most obvious to me right now. What do I do about it? I have basically no power or authority in anything myself, but is there anything I can do to make a real difference besides showing kindness to others and speaking out myself?

        1. Yes. Especially if the alternative is doing nothing. All of those are more effective than doing nothing.

          2. Well what are the other things you are considering? Probably some of them are more impact than others, but I’m not sure what the options you have are. Do you have a skill to volunteer? Do you have substantial money to donate? What leverage do you have access to?

    2. I suspect you are the poster who was distressed recently about overt racist behaviors you see in your town.

      I think it is time for you to volunteer at a local organization that is involved in social justice/education/politics etc… to help, feel more empowered.

      And take a deep breath. I’m a little… worried about you?

      2. I’m someone who has posted about overt racism before, and am not this OP. Sadly, I think there are a lot of places in the US where overt racism is rampant (and not just the places you might stereotypically imagine).

        1. I’ve lived all over the US including the deep south, and by far the place I felt was most racist was Boston. So yeah, it comes in unexpected places

    3. It is possible to care too much. I’m a sensitive person. I tend to absorb distressing things, even things that have nothing to do with me, and let them bother me for days/weeks/months. Take whatever action you feel is necessary to address what you see, but also set aside some mental time to “not care” or something to prevent compassion fatigue.

  21. This with sleeves?

    I love the look of these fancy asymmetrical necklines, but I need to cover my arms at the office, and a blazer or sweater would undermine the fun. Does anyone have favorite dresses like this one, but with sleeves?

      1. Oooh pretty (why must it be belted! and many more $ than i want to spend?!)

        For interesting neckline with sleeves, though not as design-y, I own and LOVE the Tahari Bow Neck Bi-Stretch Sheath Dress (link to follow).

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