Coffee Break: Berkeley Shoulder Bag
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After years and years of crossbodies, I'm liking the return to large shoulder bags — particularly this best selling bag from J.Crew.
The bag has a magnetic closure beneath the buckle, and is part of J.Crew's sustainable sourcing pledge. At 10″H by 13″W by 3.5″D (with a 12″ handle drop), it looks like a great size for carrying a paperback or iPad, makeup, keys, and maybe even an apple or protein bar.
It's $188 at J.Crew.com.
Hunting for a great professional purse? In 2024, readers are loving affordable bags from brands like Cuyana, Lo & Sons, and Madewell. Pricier bags readers love include Polène, Strathberry, DeMellier, and Mansur Gavriel, as well as more designer bags like Chloé (particularly the Marcie line) and Mulberry. (If money is no object, Loewe and Bottega Venetta are always worth a look!)
Sales of note for 2/7/25:
- Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
- Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
- J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+
**Trigger warning, infant loss**
I am 28 weeks pregnant with my first baby, and my husband’s good friend and his wife were due with their first baby in a few weeks. We learned yesterday that their baby died during labor. We are so incredibly heartbroken for them. We are sending a Doordash gift card, and have texted them to offer our condolences and to see if they need anything. I am not as close with the wife as my husband is with the husband, but I have spent a lot of time with her, especially during our pregnancies. I want to support them as much as we can, but I also want to be sensitive that it may be very difficult for them to be around us in the final months of my pregnancy or around a baby once our son is born. Can anyone offer any guidance how to handle this?
Oh, I am so, so very sorry to hear this. My guess is that there’s no perfect way to navigate this, and what you’ve already done is perfect. I think now you should give them space to grieve. If you want to leave food or things like that at their door — that is, not requiring them to face you or anyone else at all — then that’s probably okay.
Encourage your husband to be there for his friend. The natural focus is on the wife, but the husband also just lost a child and we all know that guys aren’t the best at grieving. Put a reminder for a month from now for your husband to take him to a brewery, golf, arcade, whatever their hang out is (and tell your husband that if the moment calls for getting p*ssed drunk, that’s ok). Also, don’t forget to still invite and include them in baby related stuff – let their attendance at the baby shower be their choice.
+1 to all of this.
a few months ago we had a baby who had a prenatally undetected congenital heart defect and we were in the hospital for 2 months – our baby is still here but their future is still uncertain. what we appreciated most were our friend who didn’t ask us what they could do (because we were basically out of our minds with fear, grief, and uncertainty) and just did things. friends brought over lasagnas that we scarfed down. friends sent DoorDash gift cards. friends took our dog for grooms and took out our trash. we basically didn’t always have the ability to field those questions and even answer them and really appreciated our friends who just acted.
so so so many hugs to you as well.
when dealing with other losses, it’s also helpful the people who continue to show up, not like they dropped off food once and never checked in on us again. i know people get busy with their own lives, but even a simple text is nice. OP – I encourage your DH to put the date of this in his phone, so that each year he can reach out around the anniversary
I know this doesn’t sound nice and of course you’re not doing anything wrong by existing while pregnant, but I would physically stay away for a while. I think what you’ve done so far is good and agree with others that your husband should continue to check in and offer support to his friend.
God, this so depends on the woman on the other end of the situation. I hated when my pregnant friends ghosted me because I was having recurrent losses.
+1
+1. I was so glad NOT to get ghosted after my first miscarriage when two of my best friends were pregnant.
I think this comes down to the personalities of the people involved. Grief is a spectrum, and while many people react one way, others may react another. The best advice I’ve seen for being there for people navigating grief is to match their energy: don’t expect them to perform their grief for you but make space if they want to share what they’re feeling. Don’t foist your baby upon them but make space for them to cherish her if that’s what they’re feeling. Don’t expect them to adhere to your religious or non-religious beliefs but make space for them to tell you theirs and honor those beliefs to the extent possible. Don’t expect them to believe positive aphorisms like “everything happens for a reason,” but if they have adopted that mantra, honor their right to believe it. And so on. Basically, they get to grieve how they want to, and your job is to just be a rock their waves can crash against as hard as they need to.
This is really kind and wise, anon at 3:46. When I had a different kind of loss, I was pretty stoic because I had to be under the circumstances. It was very unhelpful when people who weren’t as close to the deceased (and had zero responsibilities for care before the death and sorting everything after) had big performative grief on social media or around me directly. Like, if they felt that way, fine. But they should have let it out in private, not on the internet and not around me.
Oh gosh, something very similar happened to me when I was 8 months pregnant – a friend 6 weeks ahead of me lost her baby. I still think about that child all the time, and grieve on behalf of my friend and her family. I agree with the suggestions to reach out, but also just drop food off or have your husband spend time with his friend in a way that feels organic, like an activity.
I also encourage sending notes in the coming years around this time, that you remember the baby. I am so sorry you are navigating this. (Make sure you are checking in on your own mental health too – mine took a dive after my friend lost her baby.)
+1 to remembering them and this baby in future years. I lost twins during the second trimester, and I appreciate every text and card I get around their birthday. Every year fewer and fewer people acknowledge it, so I appreciate more the people that do.
Thank you. I like the idea of sending notes each year. And I’m so sorry you went through this as well. It’s so horrible to see someone close to us go through the worst case scenario.
Thank you so much, everyone. All of your thoughts and comments are so helpful.
I was an almost daily user of Mint for over a decade, and loved being able to track my spending, investments and net work. I migrated everything to Credit Karma when Mint shut down, but Credit Karma is worthless. I also migrated my Mint data to Monarch Money as that one seemed to be recommended on message boards as an alternative, but I’m finding it so glitchy and not at all user friendly (right now it’s telling me I have a net worth of $6M (!), and I can’t find a way to fix it). And after this year’s discount it will cost $100 per year. Has anyone found a better alternative that is more similar to what Mint used to offer? Doesn’t have to be a free service.
i switched to Simplifi and like it — this discussion is also happening over at the moms site today i think
Also like Simplifi!
Same. I never used Mint but have found Simplify incredibly easy to use, and it’s cheap.
Continuing the cleaning theme but more specific – how do you all keep the clutter at bay? I grew up in an immaculate home, but TBH my mom made it her whole life outside of work and I can’t do that. I’ve been in homes where no one worries about clutter – meaning every counter or table space has stuff on it. My own home is in between but I’d like it to be better, only because I feel like if the counters, tables etc are free of stuff, then they get dusted more. But then in a small home with minimal storage space, it feel like do you just not buy things and become minimalist?
My home was clean, and then I had kids. And now we’re more in the every usable space has clutter on it variety. I have honestly given up a bit, am embracing this phase of life, and will gain some sanity back in 8 years when everyone is gone. Yes, I could build more cabinets or purge, but this is just the moment we’re in. And an immaculate home is not my current goal.
Same, but 12 years for me haha
I feel like I need to walk the line as a parent. Like OP I grew up in an immaculate home, no clutter anywhere. I also remember a lot of screaming at the kids because they put their jacket in the wrong place or did not take the laundry basket upstairs immediately or whatever. I’d like my home to be nicer but I also want my kids to be kids and not remember mom and dad as being non stop stressed about the house.
+1. I also want my kid to grow up thinking of weekends as the time for fun and family time, not cleaning time.
I kind of regret not enforcing neatness and cleanliness enough as a parent. My daughter kept her room and playroom tidy and cleaned her own bathroom up until she got to high school, and then suddenly she was “too busy” and “too overwhelmed” and the entire house turned into a pile of her junk. She allegedly cleaned out her closet and drawers before leaving for college. She asked me to find some things in her room and ship them to her, and when I opened the closet her storage tubs were obviously full of useless junk like old reusable shopping bags and cables for gadgets she no longer owns. Sigh. I don’t want to see what her dorm room looks like on family weekend. My husband’s mother was a legit hoarder and I sure hope she didn’t inherit that gene.
You don’t have to become minimalist, but you DO have to right-size the number of items in your home to the amount of space you have. That’s just sheer logic.
Adding to this, you need to have little enough stuff in your cupboards and closets that it’s easy to take things out and put them away. If you have to move the blender aside to put away the rice cooker, the rice cooker will sit out a lot longer.
This is the key. If things don’t have an easy place, they don’t get put away.
To the second question: Yes.
To the first:
1) buy less stuff
2) to the extent socially appropriate, ask others not to buy you stuff (my friends and I don’t exchange birthday presents; we request no gifts for kid birthday parties, etc)
3) if you have kids, teach them that stuff can be annoying and make it their responsibility to manage their stuff (give them dedicated space for their art/previous year’s school work and toys, it’s their job to make what they want to keep fit in the dedicated space). this is a ton of work when they’re in preschool/kinder, but really pays off when they get good at managing their own stuff and makes them quite willing to part with stuff they don’t use)
4) get rid of stuff. this can be hard. I like to think something like. “This served me well and if I get rid of it now, it can serve someone else well too” or “it’ll make it easier to access my other things if I have fewer things.”
#2 – Exactly. And vigorously defend this boundary. It is disrespectful to ignore your wishes and you need to remind them early and often that their physical gifts are a burden not a kindness no matter what they think their intention is.
I am a proponent of #2, but ‘polite’ society definitely thinks we’re the rude ones for not accepting gifts. Gifts are a burden though because now I have moral responsibility for this object I never wanted and I have to find a home for it because I can’t in good conscience throw it out and be wasteful. So I have to do the whole buy nothing FB group thing.
Declutter your existing items. Do one space at a time so it’s not overwhelming.
Next, try to find homes for your existing stuff. Baskets or trays are a good place to start.
Make systems that work for you for storing stuff. Caroline Winkler on YouTube has a great video about home organization and I think she refers to them as drop zones.
What kind of clutter? We are super challenged with paper clutter and the best thing to do is just be ruthless about tossing it. I try to only touch things once: Pay the bill, toss it. Junk mail directly into the trash. Everything else has a home and goes into its home.
When I find I’m running of storage space for things like kitchenware or spices or whatever, I get rid of the things I’m not using to make room for the things I am.
Also, for things that need to be out on the surfaces, it really helps to corral them in boxes or bowls or trays. FIve things on a table top is… five things. But five things on a tray is, visually, just one thing. That has really helped me.
Are you a Caroline Winkler fan too?!?
Now that you mention it, I did learn the tray trick from Carolyn Winkler! Love her!
A big +1 for bowls/trays. My husband and kids have ADHD and out of sight is out of mind so I can’t just put stuff in cabinets or they’ll never find it/put it back. Somehow having a bowl for charging cables/keys/shelf for ipad/headphones etc. corrals it enough for my taste but still makes it an easy enough system for them to use. THat being said I go through the bowls on a regular basis so that they don’t become random junk catch-alls. Thank goodness tidying is soothing for me.
I was perpetually a “where did I leave my keys” person until I bought a decorative plate and decided all keys would live there. It immediately solved the issue. And now it is home for a few other items like ear buds that could easily be laid down in a random spot and then be hard to find.
One thing that’s helped me enormously is not bringing home anything given to me if I’m not going to use it. Conference swag gets left at the conference hotel, or I just take the one extra charger or notebook I want and leave the rest. If your wedding favor or guest seminar favor is a book – sorry not taking it, I know I don’t read so there’s no use wasting it on me. Law firm alumni reception gift is some pricey water bottle or duffel bag branded with the logo of the firm I worked at a decade ago so I know I’ll never carry it, pass. Obviously harder to make kids pass up junky birthday party favors because they feel they need that plastic ring or whatever, but DH and I are ruthless about this ourselves.
It sounds so simple, but realizing I don’t have to keep swag and other items like that has been so freeing for me.
At the last conference I went to, they handed me a cheap logo-ed backpack that contained my conference lanyard, the conference agenda, and a bunch of freebies from various vendors. I grabbed the lanyard and agenda, and asked the nice lady at registration whether they could use the rest, including the backpack. She seemed really happy to have an extra.
I’m like that too. And I have no shame in tossing anything I don’t use.
Yup.
I simply don’t buy. When I was in my 20s I spent a LOT on just buying any little thing I wanted. It was fascinating to me to have my own professional salary and not have to ask my parents for money. And yet over the years there were all kinds of candles bought that were never lit, books that were never even opened once I got them home, CDs I may have listened to one time – pre streaming, and just random knick knacks. Part of it is just being older and that fascination of buying and spending my money is gone but it totally reduces the clutter if you don’t buy. Now I feel like I’d rather have one beautiful vase as decoration or art on the walls, rather than things sitting on my tables. And for utilitarian things, if I am buying a new toaster oven, it’s because I need a new toaster oven which means the old one is tossed immediately – not left in the garage stored just in case I don’t like the new one.
This resonates a lot… when I was in college I decided to try to get a shot glass from every NHL team, and after I cursed myself with about 20 I have hauled them from apartment to apartment for nearly 2 decades now. It has also taken me some introspection and self-control to stop buying mugs from Home Goods and decorative knicknacks that just clutter and have to get moved all the time.
You are allowed to put the shot glasses in the glass recycling bin. Boom, gone, space opened up!
…or give them away? A lot of glass in the recycling bin is not recycled.
Someone on here once said “clutter is just stuff that doesn’t have a home” and it has really stuck with me. I think about whether I want to create a home for things, or just not have them at all. I regularly purge a lot of stuff. I don’t like moving clutter to dust and then just putting the clutter back (books are an exception for me!) so I tend to look at the clutter and either find it a permanent home, or give it away.
I grew up in an apartment that was comfortably full but not overly cluttered. My parents were pretty ruthless about getting rid of stuff and making us get rid of stuff. At the end of each school year we had to go through all of our saved art etc. and get it down to one small folder. Old clothes were gone as soon as they didn’t fit. If I put up a new poster on the wall as a teen the old one was recycled immediately. It worked well.
I joke that my love language is decluttering. My husband proactively got a dumpster and initiated a spring cleaning this year and I was legitimately SO proud and excited.
I am working on fixing this issue. My main problem was that I am surrounded by gift givers who refused to just stop, and I felt the need to keep the stuff they bought. I left that go and got rid of tons of stuff.
I occasionally pick a room and spend hours chucking things. Slowly, my home is improving.
My mom was the same way. My mother is 100% anti-clutter to an extremely annoying degree (like, she didn’t save anything from our childhoods because it’s “clutter”). I think I am a happy medium. I am very tidy, and a BIG believer in “a place for everything and everything in its place.”
Look up Dana K White.
Youtube, podcast or blog, or one of her published books. Decluttering at the speed of life is fab, and the best for your situation.
Second rec: the keeping house while drowning book. It’s geared for non neurotypical, depressed or ADD people, but the value is amazing for anyone who’s struggling.
My husband and I downsized when our son graduated from high school. Now we both work from home. Last summer, my son came home while looking for his first professional job and his BFF is staying with us as he just got out of the army. Daily, I remind myself that the clutter is temporary.
My husband and I were empty nesters for a hot second, then we were introduced to a dog who needed a home, and then my oldest graduated from college and moved back home along with her now finance, then we got our dog a dog, and now my son has been home for the summer. Clutter? Yes, we have it.
Hide it, basically. Get matching containers and try to find double-use furniture that acts as storage (footstools, ottomans, even beds!), use vertical space wisely, use trays to corral small groupings of objects, eliminate as much paper mail as you can and go digital, also I’d consider getting rid of flat/horizontal spaces or objects if you can or if they’re not a “must”–they tend to be clutter catchers. So occasional tables, consoles, entertainment centers, shelving units, etc.
has anyone tried to get tirzepatide from lillydirect.com? they just announced they’re selling vials — not sure how long it takes.
No but I have a doctor visit in a couple weeks and am hoping to try, so also curious!!
2 more cleaning questions – how does the answer to the clutter Q above change if you have an open floor plan house?
Also – does your cleaning service dust? Do you have to move everything for them or just trust they’ll dust around stuff?
I’ve lived in new houses with open plans and now live in a hundred year old house with individual rooms. Current home is much harder as there’s a lot less storage space- fewer closets and they’re all tiny. We’ve had to invest in a lot of furniture with storage. Your situation should be easy, but if for some reason you don’t have the closet space that usually goes along with a newer house, I’d also suggest shelves, sideboards, tables with shelves, etc. and lots of bins.
If your stuff is put away then the cleaning service should not need to move anything to dust. Lamps, decorative objects, electronics, appliances, etc. that live permanently on surfaces should be dusted along with the surfaces.
We have an open floor plan and the main consequence is that we have fewer walls against which to place bookcases, cabinets, and other storage furniture, which means that we can have less stuff because there’s no place to put it.
The cleaning service moves the things and puts them back when they dust.
For open floor plan, I’ve solved it by assigning a giant drawer in the kitchen to my kids’ random stuff that would otherwise sit on the counter – ipads, note pads, books, headphones, etc. We have cabinets in the living room and our side/end/coffee tables all have drawers where we can stash things. I also keep a basket in the living room of stuff that needs to go upstairs so it doesn’t just sit around until someone wants to take it up.
I do this too, and fantasize that one day my kids/husband will actually TAKE the basket upstairs on their own without being told. Sigh.
My family did this to – I was constantly being told ‘if you’re going upstairs take this with you’, or ‘this doesn’t live in the kitchen/bedroom/basement put it away before you forget or do something else’.
I have two sets of stairs in my house and now have a basket at the top AND bottom of each set. And same, my whole childhood was don’t go up or down stairs without taking something with you!
In our house things that need to go upstairs are put on the staircase (towards the side so no one trips on them).
I have a lot of storage furniture. Bookshelves, toy chests, storage ottoman, TV credenza which corral the big things. I also invested in nice looking file boxes (the ‘Bigso Box of Sweden’ firm) so that I can store necessary school papers/mail/receipts without it becoming a mess. I am also merciless about sorting and putting stuff away ASAP. I have kids and we do a sweep of outgrown toys/clothing/art/books at least 2-3 times a year to stay on top of it.
For the stuff that just needs a spot to live (car keys, chargers, etc.) – I both have a junk drawer in the kitchen and bowls/trays for each family member.
My cleaning services traditionally have moved things and sort of put them back, but not always in the same place. I have “cleaned for the cleaners,” by piling up papers into neat piles, and on some occasions dumping stuff into an empty file cabinet drawer that is kept empty for precisely this purpose (and to tidy up for company).
Any recommendations of things to see and do in Portugal? I’ll be in Lisbon for a wedding next January, and I am planning on staying a week to sight see. Tentatively planning to visit Lisbon and Sintra and maybe Porto. If it helps, my partner and I are into museums, history, pretty architecture, and nature. TIA!
Not sure if you will see this, but I really enjoyed the tile museum in Lisbon
Im an Old and so resistant to shoulder bags. My alignment or ergonomics or whatever are screwed up enough as it is.
I hate the crossbodies because they make whatever I am wearing look bad. Getting new shoulder bags as I can afford . . .
My solution is to combine the two evils and use a work backpack.
DC readers, can anyone tell me what is going on in town Oct 22-25? I’m working on booking a hotel for a (small) conference, and so many of my usual hotels near the White House are booked up or ridiculously expensive ($1k +) that week. Just googling what is going on in DC that week didn’t yield any results that would entirely explain it. Is there some big event?
World Bank fall meetings!
Ah, thank you! Yes all the hotels I usually stay at are very close to the World Bank.
Australian Reader here. I’m sick of my credit cards being hacked ( sorry often by scammers in the USA!) . My US Bank is now suggesting use of a Password Vault app for its users. It really isn’t a thing here- any suggestions for a suitable simple vault app that is easy to use across desktop, laptop ( not Axxle) and Phone ( Axxle)- with emphasis on simple ?
Keeper?
1Password!
I use Bitwarden & it’s great. I had to watch several YouTube videos several times (sad but true) to figure it out but it was well worth it. I don’t know how I managed without it. It took me several weeks total to figure it out and set it up and I’m happy I did.
1Password