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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Cozy Cardigan Season is fast approaching, so I’m getting myself prepared. (Doomsday preppers stock up on canned goods, fashion enthusiasts stock up on knits. We’ve all got our thing.)
This pointelle cardigan from Old Navy looks so deliciously cozy that I’m tempted to get it in every color. I like the olive green shade for the office. Pair it with browns, tans, or beiges for a perfect fall look.
The sweater is on sale for $31.49 at Old Navy and comes in sizes XS-4X, XST-XXLT, and XSP-XXLP.
Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Anonymous
Do you have a dessert you love that isn’t super sweet. Ideally store bought but homemade is fine too if simple. I’m looking for an actual dessert not just fresh fruit.
Cut back on the added sugars this spring. I’m happy to have kept it up for so long but I think my tastebuds changed or something because now any dessert tastes very very sweet, yet I do occasionally want something sweet just less so. DH says just get whatever I want and eat two bites of it and toss it but that seems like a waste. All I’ve come up with is baked apples with cinnamon without adding sugar but there must be other things. Ideas?
go for it
panna cotta. apple crisp with very little sugar added
Anonymous
The Eating Well site has some good recipes to try.
Anon
Really dark chocolate?
Anon
Really dark chocolate, especially with a hint of sea salt, melted, and drizzled over popcorn.
Anon
Fruit crumbles. I don’t add sugar to the fruit, and not that much to the topping. I usually top with plain Greek yogurt, which also cuts the sweetness. I bake a lot in part because I like to bake to my own tastes and find most store bought stuff too sweet. It helps to use whole grain flours, fruit, and nuts to add flavor without just tasting sweet. Sugar plays an important role in baking, so you can’t cut it out of a lot of things without affecting texture, but fruit based desserts are usually okay with a lot less.
Anonymous
Which ones do you make other than apple?
Anon
I usually have apples, but add in frozen blueberries or raspberries or some cranberries in the fall or just do peaches and plums in the summer.
Anon
I like a baked oatmeal with fruit and / or dark chocolate. Real Food Dieticians has good recipes.
Anon
Dried fruit?
Honestly, if it’s store bought, it will have a lot of sugar. If you make it yourself, you can reduce the sugar. Plus you won’t get all of the preservatives and stabilizers etc necessary for store shelf life.
Anon
Store bought almost always has a lot of sugar. But I love deserts and am cutting back on sugar, so I bake and cut the sugar in half. Now I’m used to it and anything I buy tastes sickening to me. If you have a good French bakery nearby, their deserts tend to be less sweet although some of them adjust to local preferences.
Clementine
Canned peaches with fresh whipped cream or creme fraiche. Fresh blueberries are also good like this.
Slightly thawed frozen dark cherries with a blob of full fat greek yogurt on top (if needed)
Any variation on a frozen fruit whizzed in the food processor with a touch of coconut milk to make a little sorbet. I like pineapple and mango together.
Good shortbread cookies.
Affogato. So a small scoop of good ice cream or gelato with a shot of (regular or decaf) espresso over it. Can sub in cold brew concentrate and it’s just as delicious.
Decaf cappuccino or a mocktail.
Anon
I think people sleep on canned peaches and pears. They are really good. I got all futzy and made poached pears a few times from fresh pears – yep, canned pears. Same taste, same texture.
I like my canned peaches with a little cottage cheese. I am also more of a savory person than a sweets person.
Anonymous
The jarred peaches and pears from Trader Joe’s are really good.
Anon
Sometimes it helps to balance out the sweet with something saltier. Think chocolate covered nuts or popcorn.
If you like backed apples you may also like poached pears. You said no fresh fruit, but a little bit of date or dried fig goes a long way in sweetness and is a nice thing to add to a cheese plate.
Anything you make yourself and can easily adjust the sweetness to taste: cheesecake, brownies, mug cakes. I usually just make the amount I want for myself, but if you’re making a batch to share, using cupcake tins can help make semisweet and fully sweetened options in the same batch.
I find that less sweet cookies don’t really work because sugar is part of the texture, but I’m not a great baker so maybe people have found ways around this that I don’t know! But with pudding, flan, mousse, sweetening to taste always seems to work just fine.
Lightly sweetened whipped cream is also a nice way to turn fruit into more of a dessert.
Anon
German cheesecake – it’s less sweet, sort of tangy.
Anonymous
I really like the Petit Pot French puddings, there’s a dark chocolate one and a pistachio one that are really good. They’re very small but give you a satisfying rich mousse taste without going overboard.
Anon
That chocolate one is my dream bite. I don’t buy it often but it’s so good!
Anonymous
I don’t enjoy very sweet desserts, so anything premade is too sweet.
Things that can be made less sweet:
Brownies – you can easily halve the sugars
No-churn ice cream or gelato – 2/3 or less sugar is fine.
Fruit served with unsweetened cream, liquid or whipped is great.
Crumble style cakes – less sugar is great, the crunch is what makes it nice.
Panna cotta with aromatics like bay leaves or basil.
Choux pastry isn’t sweet in itself, so if you make profiteroles they can be less sweet, depending on the filling.
Anon
Can you really halve the sugar in brownies without affecting texture or structure?
Anon
I don’t know that it doesn’t affect it, but it doesn’t seem to affect it negatively to my taste.
Anonymous
Yes, brownies are so compact that it doesn’t matter, they’re not supposed to be light and airy.
You can’t change the proportions for a pound cake or sponge, though.
Anonymous
Crepes can be served less sweet
Cottage cheese og quark cake
Shortbread
Anon
I like yasso Greek yogurt bars.
Anon
Poached pears come to mind. I make mine with a sliced and slightly sweetened red wine poaching liquid and serve them with hand whipped, slightly sweetened mascarpone with a spoonful of whatever liqueur seems apt or Madeira whipped into the whole tub. The pears will store nicely in the fridge for a number of days in their poaching liquid. I’ve always meant to try freezing them but haven’t done so.
Anon
Edit: Spiced not sliced.
Ses
Banana bread! I make mine entirely without sugar. I just omit it and use a couple extra bananas.
It’s sweet but not sugary, and served with whipped cream cheese (no sugar added) adds the frosting
Anon
Tiramisu isn’t particularly sweet. Olive oil cake too. You might look at Korean desserts which tend to not be overly sweet.
Anon
Mexican and Chinese bakeries also tend to be less sweet
Anon
Another approach is to eat the very sweet thing but in a small amount alongside something bitter. This is the baklava or Turkish delight + thick Turkish coffee approach.
Anonymous
Not OP, but this approach doesn’t work for me when I’m off sugar, it just enhances how sickly sweet can taste. It’s probably great if you crave sweet and want to consume less.
Anon
I like making whipped cream and adding some berries and nuts for dessert at home
Runcible Spoon
Sliced bananas, strawberries, or whole blue berries topped by plain Greek yogurt (I like the Fage brand, 2%).
Smoothie made of 1 cup skim milk, 1 banana, and 3/4 cup frozen fruit (papaya, strawberries, or blueberries work well, sometimes frozen cherries or mixed berries; you can freeze whole strawberries, hull and all, when they are about to go bad, then pop the whole thing into the blender to make the smoothie)
Commercial fruit yogurts
Toast with honey or jam
Chocolate covered peanuts
Anon
Van Leeuwen Sour Cherry ice cream!
Olivia Rodrigo
I’m about to incur some significant expenses that I can put on a credit card and pay off in full, and I want to use this opportunity to leverage travel benefits. I’ve heard good things about CapitalOne Venture and Chase Sapphire Reserve, but I’m a novice travel hacker and would love advice. I already have a Southwest Visa and could open a second one (the business version) in my spouse’s name if that’s the best bet, but I’m guessing we’d be smart to have flexibility beyond flying Southwest. We live near three major airport hubs, family of five, and have many domestic and international destinations on our bucket list! Would love your help in navigating this.
anon
I really, really like my Chase Sapphire Preferred, which is a step down from the Reserve. We’re looking to upgrade to Preferred at some point (just lazy and haven’t gotten around to it), but be aware the Reserve has a larger annual fee, though the travel benefits, if used correctly, can offset the cost of the card annually.
Anon
This is the card that I have too. I thought I was going to upgrade to the Preferred, but my friend actually works in travel benefits at Chase and we discussed my travel habits and she told me that the Reserve was, at this time, a better fit for me.
If I were to get a primo travel card, I’d get the AmEx platinum.
Anonymous
I am so confused now.
Anon
I think the 9:12 made a typo. The Reserve is more expensive than the Preferred, so she’s sticking with Preferred rather than upgrading to Reserve.
anon
Agree. I used to travel a lot for work and fun and churned alll the cards. Now that I have a kid and a job with less travel, this is the card I keep.
Senior Attorney
We have the Chase Sapphire Reserve and put all our travel and dining on it (use Citi Double Cash back for everything else), and we are making bank with the points. The fee for one main and one authorized user comes out to $625, but you get $300 travel credit back immediately so that makes it $350 net, plus they pay for Global Entry every four years and they have good travel insurance coverage. We are going to NYC in November and were able to pay for the hotel plus business class air from So Cal with points so it’s been good for us. (When you book your travel through Chase you get 1.5x the value of your points.)
cars
We do this on a SW card, and have done so to the extent that I am A list and have companion pass. So basically my husband flies for free on all of our family vacations. It has saved us a LOT of money in that respect, not to mention all of the points we get otherwise, which are usually enough to fund our Chrismas vacation travel. So I know there are fancier options out there, but SW has worked really well for us.
Anonymous
I have and LOVE my AmEx Platinum. It was especially ideal for me since I travel regularly for work and for visits to family. The hotel status, lounge access, and ancillary benefits on an airline of my choice pay for its annual fee. It may not be as worth it if you do not travel on at least a semi-regular basis though.
Anon
I don’t travel often but enjoy the perks you’ve mentioned. I justify the crazy fee by being diligent about taking advantage of offers. I use the $18/month credit on a NYTimes subscription, use the twice annual $50 Saks credit , occasional Uber or Uber eats monthly credits, and a few other random offers per year, and so far have managed to recoup all or nearly all of the fee. It can be done by someone who is not a frequent traveler, but it does take some diligence.
Anon
I’m looking into this card now and I’m intrigued! How do the points work for this one? It looks like you earn 5x points for travel and 1x for everything else, is that correct? Do you cash in the rewards points for travel only or can you use it for other things (I’ve only ever had a cashback card!)?
anon for this
They often run promos where groceries or gas get 2x or 3x points, too, I don’t follow too closely. I cash in the points fairly frequently for gift cards. The points redemption value is more favorable than Capital One, at least. AmEx also has great extended warranty coverage and additional travel insurance benefits when using the platinum card.
Anon st 11:16
The points can transfer to airlines or hotels, be redeemed for items – and it’s a lot of them and they’re stuff you might want and use, and for gift cards (Brooks Brothers! Many many others including : Banana Republic, Macys, Harry & David, Nike, Nordstrom, Nordstrom Rack, Pottery Barn, Apple, and on and on…).
If the points aspect of it is the main attraction you may want to also look at the Gold card.
Anon
We do the Chase Sapphire Reserve and charge everything to it, they have great hotel and airfare options. We take a free trip every year with points and I like the flexibility of using for both flights, hotels and cars or any of those on their own. It more than pays for itself.
Anonymous
If you have a Chase Reserve and you put everything on it – there is a better way to get even more points. Chase Reserve gives you 3x points on some things and 1x points on everything else. Years ago, Chase told me to also get a Chase Freedom and use it for everything that wasn’t eligible for 3x on my Reserve card because Freedom gives you 1.5x on all purchases. You can easily transfer your Freedom points to your Reserve card.
Anon
Oh wow, thanks!
Anon88
I’ve been doing tons of credit card points things for years. The Chase Sapphire is the best beginner one. Travel booked through their portal is at a discount, and they have a bunch of partners you can transfer points to on a one to one basis. Do not get the reserve, get the preferred. Right now they have the same sign up bonus points, but the reserve has a $500 annual fee.
No Face
I chose the Chase Sapphire Preferred as my beginner card based on reading the Points Guy. We charge everything to it and pay it off each month. I already took one free short trip and I’ve only had it for a few months.
Ranoma
also need to see what sign-on perks each offers. We did Amex Platinum for a year when we needed to re-up TSA precheck and they offered like 100K points. Cancelled after a year since we’re only flying 2-3 times a year and our local airport does not have lounges. Probably also depends on the category of these significant expenses. If its like a tax payment though, probably doesn’t matter.
Anonymous
I recommend the Chase Sapphire Reserve used in conjunction with the Chase Sapphire Freedom card. Charge all dining/travel on Reserve to get 3x points and everything else gets charged to the Freedom card for 1.5x points. There is an easy way online to transfer your Freedom points to your Reserve points. Chase travel has been so helpful over the years when I’ve had problems with travel. The Reserve might seem expensive, but the first $300 of travel each year is automatically reimbursed to your card, plus there are so many perks (free global entry every 5 years, priority pass, etc.).
Anon
If you can be loyal to one airline, an airline credit card is the best way to rack up status, which has a lot of perks. I have American Platinum Pro status and I get upgraded to first class on ~50% of my domestic flights, have seats with extra leg room when I’m in economy, get multiple free checked bags when needed and have access to premium lounges whenever I’m flying internationally (including Canada/Mexico) even if I’m in economy. It’s very worth it to me. I also accumulate a lot of miles. Every couple of years I get enough miles for a business class ticket to Europe or Asia.
Anonamoose
I’m moving into my first house solo and have a myriad of adulting questions I don’t know where to find the answer to. Today’s topic is ceiling fans. I got three of the same fan installed in different rooms. One is perfectly quiet, the other two hum. Handyman installing them said this is a motor issue and to get the others quiet I’d need to return them and get different motors. The internet suggests that lubrication of the motor may work (no clue how to do this) or some fans just simply aren’t truly quiet. Does anyone have ideas? The thought of uninstalling two of the three fans is unappealing but I would like a quieter fan (particularly in my bedroom). TIA!
Anon
Could you swap the quiet fan into your bedroom? If the hum is minor enough that it isn’t an issue in the other rooms that is what I would do.
I would not play roulette with returning the louder fans for unless you replace them with versions specifically marketed as being very quiet. Even if a motor is quiet upon install, if the rest of the ones from that brand and model are loud, I would assume the quiet one is going to get noisier with age.
There may be ceiling fans with serviceable motors (and I am all for fixing and maintaining things myself – I do pull down my bathroom exhaust fan twice per year to take care of it), but that does not seem like a routine thing I would want to do. Ceiling fans should be set & forget equipment.
Anon
I know this is not what you asked, but in the meantime, what about using a white noise machine in the bedroom? We have Hepa air filters running in our bedrooms which serve this purpose. You can buy them on Amazon.
Anonymous
when we moved into our new house and needed ceiling fans i bought the cheapest ones i could find because i didn’t care and hoped we’d figure it out as the designs for the rooms evolved. did you maybe make a similar tradeoff? unless you spent over $150 on the fan (or you have a double height ceiling or something) i’d just get a new fan entirely and call it a day. i always think the minka aire ones look really sleek.
you might also want to try switching the direction of the fan to see if there’s possible something in the way? you should switch ceiling fan directions at the end of the season anyway.
https://www.hunterfan.com/blogs/hunter-blog/ceiling-fan-direction-for-summer-and-winter?srsltid=AfmBOooNlAbA9lWxfgUlaUwhrkp3mBIyBLgXuHWczFuyVoRF3I-9tmcq
Anonymous
Have you tried contacting the manufacturer? Sometimes they actually have ok tech support. If the fan is cheap, that’s one thing. If you went with an expensive model, I’d expect better performance.
Sam
Three weeks ago, I unexpectedly received a package at work. Return address was from a client. I opened it, and didn’t know what it was. I googled and it turns out the item has five figure value if it is still in the original packaging… and about $1k if it is out of the packaging. I do not collect anything and was unaware of the item’s value. I opened the packaging because I genuinely did not know what was inside/understand. I have a meeting with him/the entity in a week. I feel like I need to say thank you but also would normally not accept a five-figure gift. Such a gift is not against policy at my business (I’m high up enough and it does happen in my industry) but I have never accepted anything over $2k. What do I do? Do I return it to him and sheepishly admit I didn’t know? Do I keep it and just tell him thank you?
AnonAnon
I’d keep it since it’s not against policy and say thank you and not mention you took it out of the packaging.
ALT
No advice here but I’m dying to know what this is…
IMO, sending someone a gift that expensive without their knowledge is odd, especially if it’s something that you have to open the packaging to see what it is. My nosy self would have had the packaging open immediately so you’re not at fault here! I’d say thank you and move on.
NYNY
I’m guessing it was something purely collectable, like a blind box figure. Just say thank you to the client. Those things are only worth what someone will pay for them at the moment you want to sell, which could be nothing. Hopefully it’s cute and you like it!
Anon
I’d just say thank you and that it was a kind gesture/nice of him to think of you and move on.
I did not grow up well off and had many moments of not ‘getting’ the value of certain brands in a work setting. I was working in Big Finance when I got engaged/married and one of my sell-side clients gave me some Simon Pearce serverware. They were very nice items and I thanked them appropriately, but I had no clue that this was a ~$1k gift until friends commented on them in a ‘we’re impressed by your fancy wedding stuff’ kind of way at a dinner party.
Anon
Thoughts on banning smartphones in schools? Our district is one of many doing it and there is also a push for a state law that will probably pass. Have to say I’m in strong favor – the reports from teachers about how incredibly distracted and rude students are with their phones are pretty compelling. Anyone been through this already with their kid and seen effects, either way?
Anonymous
My daughter just graduated from high school. I am in favor of banning the usage of phones in class, but I think students should be allowed to keep their phones with them on silent mode in case of emergency. Banning phone usage would force teachers to actually teach instead of having the kids play on educational apps during class, which was a huge problem in middle school. My daughter is worried about school sh00tings and is uncomfortable being without her phone in school.
Anon
Same. My kid’s school had a shooting down the street (neighborhood drug dealers) and went on lockdown and I was grateful she could text me during that.
PolyD
I’m very naive about this, but would it work to just have the teachers collect all the phones in a box at the beginning of class? That way phones would not be in students hands, but would be accessible if needed.
I’m so sorry that kids have to think about what to do if a shooting happens. So terrible.
Anon
This is basically what my kid’s school did. Phones on silent and placed either on the teacher’s desk or on the students’ desks in plain sight. It seemed to work just fine to prevent normal classroom disruption and also kept the phones close by for tornado alarm use (thankfully, all of our school disasters were weather-related).
Anonymous
This would take a lot of time and would not make the phones immediately accessible in an emergency.
Anon
Pushing back on this. I don’t think it’d a) take a lot of time or b) impact an emergency too much.
My kids’ school has a container for phones in each classroom. As kids come in, they put their phone in their slot. That’s how teachers take attendance – no phone turned in, no credit for being there that day. Kids pass it on the way to their desk, so it doesn’t take time.
In an emergency, it takes maybe an extra minute to get your phone? It’s placed near the designated shelter in place part of the room (the corner away from doors and windows) so that’s where the class would be gathering if something happened anyways.
Anonymous
Is it is it really the case that 100% of students have phones now?
Anon
In high school, yes, nearly 100% of kids have phones these days. 20+ years ago pre-smartphone, I got a cell phone as a teen when I started driving.
Anon
This is where I stand. There was a fatal school schooling in my area and the cops found the shooter because students were on their cell phones saying where he was. The kids could also tell their parents that they were alive.
Anon
I hate that we even have to think about this issue in the United States, but when I step back, I realize that school shootings are still incredibly rare overall and that I don’t want my kids to be so negatively affected by smart phones every single day for years just for the very small chance that there could be an emergency where they might want their phone and could use it safely without endangering themselves.
Anonymous
It’s not just about school shootings. In our area there are a fair number of tornado warnings, and the school is very bad at communicating pickup instructions after them. It has been absolutely essential to be able to communicate directly with our child in these situations, especially when she was in middle school and aftercare pickup was involved.
Anonymous
That seems like a huge risk for the school, though. Even if it’s disorganized, don’t they have a way to ensure that kids are safely to parents in the event of Weather emergency? They probably don’t want you going rogue
Anon
For every school shooting, there are # many attempted but averted school shootings. What number is #? I don’t know, but I know it doesn’t always even make it into headlines.
Anon
There’s just no way kids are actually going to not use them, though.
Seventh Sister
My kids are in middle and high school and I agree – silent mode is fine and banning usage is OK by me. But in the event of a lockdown, I want them to be able to get in touch with me. With all due respect to the school’s administration, I strongly suspect they would keep all of the kids on campus indefinitely, even if it was much safer to evacuate parts of the school. Live suspended honor student who left without permission > not-alive rule-follower.
anon
First year here with a no-phone law, and so far, it’s a huge improvement over the former patchwork of unenforceable policies. Exceptions for health-related device use can and should be included in any law/policy.
Cb
It’s also a discussion in the UK and yes, please. I teach university and am shocked the number of students just totally addled by their phones, who have an airbud in watching tiktok during lectures, etc. It’s really demoralising as their teacher. A break in class used to be noisy, people chatting, asking questions, and now it’s just the sound of silence.
Anon
So, the only concern I have is if there’s a disaster of any sort (yes, unfortunately school shooting is the most common…but also a natural disaster like a tornado) I’d want my kids to be able to have access to their phones.
But, I think phones have no place in schools EXCEPT for that. They shouldn’t have them in class, or in the hallways, or in the cafeteria.
I think the best solution is to allow a kid to keep it on their person or in their book bag, but it has to be turned off. If it’s seen or makes a noise during the day, it’s an instant detention and the phone is confiscated. If there’s a family emergency then the message can come through the office, but kids have their phones (and can turn them on and use them) after school to coordinate pick ups or to get non-urgent messages from home.
With most schools being 1:1 with computers now, its not like kids are distraction or social media free during the day, but at least its not phones.
Clara
I agree with this. I remember it being like this in the early days of cell phones – if you had it with you fine, but it better not go off in class and the teacher better not see it. If the teacher doesn’t hear/see it, how would they even know you had it?
Anon
The problem with still allowing the kids to have phones on them is that the teacher wastes classroom time trying to police phone use instead of actually teaching. It’s an unfair burden on teachers.
Anon
How much time does it take away from teaching to just send a kid to the office if you see their cell phone being used?
Anonymous
Teachers in our district can no longer send kids to the office and expect to have consequences imposed. They get sent back to class immediately, sometimes with a fidget toy as a reward for their bad behavior.
Anon
I’ve read a lot of reports that those policies just don’t work. It’s partially that schools seem kind of afraid to discipline kids because the parents will push back. It’s incredibly rare to get a detention or God forbid the suspension for something like breaking a phone ban.
Anon
So, my kids are at a private school and I realize that discipline is different at private vs public schools. But, school policy is school policy? If a parent pushes back, too bad? Kid broke the rule, kid has detention.
Anonymous
Theoretically yes but parenting is different now compared to 20-30 years ago esp in the upper middle class where most of this board resides. Parents are way more involved at school, much quicker to push back at school admin even when their kid is in the wrong, and they don’t let go. They couch it as loving and advocating for their kid. But when kids see this, at some level they realize they can do what they want and mom and dad will side with them and scream at the school relentlessly so schools let go because they can’t be doing this for 500 kids per grade.
When I was growing up it was – think hard about getting in trouble at school because you will be in even more trouble at home for breaking school rules and getting detention. No matter what the rule was however dumb my parents and almost every one of my classmates parents was going to side with the school.
Anon
This is so wild to me. Because, yes, when I was a kid if you got in trouble at school you always got in more trouble at home! And, I do the same thing with my kids!
I’ve actually become stricter about this, at first my approach was if it was detention for something small I would figure that detention was punishment enough. But, now I figure even the small stuff (like talking in class) is still disrespectful, so there is a mild consequence at home.
Of course, if they ever get in trouble for something big or bad, the hammer is coming down at home.
Anonymous
Yes, teachers in our public schools have a terrible time enforcing classroom discipline because admin is afraid of parent complaints and refuses to back them up. I think there is also a lot of misinterpretation of disability law behind it. One-third of students in our district have a 504 or IEP and admin is wary of having any behavioral expectations of these kids, although it does allow teachers to bully well-behaved girls with 504s.
Clara
Yeah that’s what it looks like from all the comments. Combination of teachers not being able to enforce cell phone policies as strictly as ours were + the time it takes.
I think cell phones in classrooms are an absolute disservice to kids learning.
Seventh Sister
At my kids’ public schools, there is very little incentive to formally punish students because you have to list and report the discipline for statistical purposes. The schools get “in trouble” with the state if the discipline statistics aren’t a perfect mirror-image of the school’s demographics.
Anon
It seems surprising to me that there’s not an app (that kids could be required to download if they’ve got the phone at the school) that shuts it down during school hours with the exception of, say, emergency calls and texts to certain approved numbers. I guess I don’t know anything about this stuff, but I can’t believe that would be a difficult app to create.
I was in high school when beepers were popular, and basic cell phones were just barely starting to be acquired by the masses. Because beepers were somehow associated with drugs and gangs, they, along with cell phones, were ruled zero tolerance, instant expulsion anywhere on the property when I was in 11th or 12th grade. Eventually, after some push back, there was an agreement that said kids could have phones only (must have outgoing call capacity), only in their cars, but the instant expulsion still applied if they ever left the vehicle. I don’t know that that was ever actually enforced, but man, is it crazy to think about it.
Anon
Would be great to move on from chromebooks in class too. Or at least wait to employ chromebooks until after the kids are old enough to learn how to type properly.
Anon
Yes. If you don’t teach them to type, don’t put them in computers.
Anon
My “get off my lawn” complaint: we stuff classrooms full of technology (smart boards, ChromeBooks, all that), and then get mad at students for using other technology (smart phones) in class.
Anon
Surely there’s a difference, though. Using one piece of technology while teaching a lesson is totally different from texting your friends and not paying attention. If I am in a meeting with laptops to type notes, I still think it’s rude for others to scroll Instagram during the meeting.
Anon
You’re an adult and understand the distinction. Try explaining that to sixth graders.
Anon
So long as tech enthusiasts are allowed to disrupt classrooms, I wish someone would fund a “paper and pencils” classroom for a year and see how that goes!
My state has a lot of issues with micromanaging educators; I remember one teacher lamenting to me how few of their middle school students could really read, but dropping everything to prioritize literacy would cut into required computer use time that came with special funding.
Anon
Not k12, but one of the best classes I ever took was Calc 2, in 2019, taught by an early-20s grad student using nothing but a blackboard and actual chalk. I hope that guy got picked up to teach somewhere after he finished his degree. He was awesome.
Anon
I think kids will be in for a rude awakening in college. I graduated in 2016 and I had several professors who didn’t allow any laptop or phone use in class – they’d kick you out of class or dock your grade if they saw it. Professors with tenure DGAF if you think it’s unfair.
Anon
My college calculus courses didn’t allow us to use calculators on most parts of the exams.
Cora
My grad school programming classes had pencil and paper coding exams. Other people I’ve told have said it sounds so archaic but I have to say it was completely effective. Sometimes you just need to know your stuff.
Anonymous
That’s actually kind of brilliant. Like a quiet car on the train. I would totally sign my kids up for that.
Anon
Yeah, our school does 1:1 but not until middle school. They get computer class and typing class in lower school.
The school does PCs, not chromebooks. I know its becoming an issue as Gen Z enters the workforce that they don’t know how to use systems that are commonly used in the workplace. For example, they use Google Docs with the Chromebooks and thus don’t know how to use Microsoft applications or how to manage files saved on a G drive rather than the cloud. Or they can use Prezi (or whatever has I’m sure replaced Prezi) but they can’t make PowerPoint slides.
anonshmanon
how would they learn to type if not on computers?
Anon
I learned to type without having a computer in class every single day. It’s called typing class and you send the kids down to a computer lab or you would dedicate an hour a week to it.
Anon
When I was in lower school (mid 00s), we would go to the computer lab for 15 mins a day, every day, for a typing class.
Anonymous
So I have a baby and haven’t been in a middle or high school since I went, can someone clarify – are kids now allowed to have phones in class and have them out? Like while the teacher is talking, if it’s boring you can be texting your friend in English class? How can any work be getting done – like is it just up to the student to be conscientious or not? Somehow my image was that kids were now on their phones between classes and at lunch but not in class from k-12 or else they’d have teachers yelling at them. College is a different ballgame bc you can simply choose not to go to class if you want so of course you can sit on a phone in lecture too.
Anon
Yes, and even in cases where it’s not specifically allowed it is ever present. Phones are incredibly addictive and teachers report that students are literally not listening to lectures at all. Apparently there is a lot of evidence that “you can have them but not use them in class” policies just don’t work.
Anon
Correct, partially, however in my district, it’s not so much the students texting each other. The biggest offenders are their parents. It’s mind boggling how much time parents (who are presumably at work) spend texting their kids.
Anonymous
That’s so odd to this 80s-90s kid. Wasn’t one of the benefits of school that you were with your friends for 6-8 hours and away from your parents? Even if you had a close family, didn’t most people like being away from parental reminders and nagging and having their own life at school complete with their own friends and inside jokes? I feel like my parents’ involvement in school as I got older was basically report card day or a game or play I asked them to attend.
Anon
It’s so different now. Helicopter parenting is real. Parents are hyper involved in their kids. Just look at this board!
anon a mouse
Hugely in favor of it. I like the approach where kids can put their phones in pouches and keep them with them in case of emergency, but the use is absolutely not allowed in class. The research on this is overwhelming and kids who have experienced phone-free learning are full of praise for it.
emeralds
No kids but I work in higher education and my husband teaches high school. Ban ’em.
Anon
Parents are our own worst enemies here. I am definitely in favor of it, but to deal with the parental uproar, I’d be okay with schools allowing dumb phones.
While shootings are terrifying, I don’t think the small risk of them (and other true emergencies) occurring is worth ignoring the huge, real risks of kids being on smartphones at school every day. Plus, in an emergency, your kid needs to be paying attention to directions, not texting (and spreading misinformation, thereby whipping up a frenzied pack of parents wondering why the school is not communicating every detail in real time.)
Anon
Agree with your last paragraph 100%!
Anon
Same. The smartphones are a bigger risk to wellbeing now – although in the rare event of a school shooting, of course the consequence could be higher.
emeralds
+1.
anonn
Agree, also who keeps mentioning Tornados?! I’ve lived in Tornado alley for 40+ years, most are in the evening/night and there are sirens, and what is texting your mom at work going to do about it? the cost benefit analysis is lacking. we had a local school implement the yonder bags from start to end of school, no phones at lunch either , each classroom has a cell phone for emergencies. It sounds idyllic honestly.
Anonymous
The issue isn’t actual tornadoes. It’s tornado warnings where they end up keeping the kids sheltered in place for two hours past dismissal time and then no one knows what’s happening with buses, pickup, and aftercare. Maybe in tornado alley they have a better routine, but in the SEUS where we live it only happens every few years so it’s a total charlie foxtrot when it does happen.
Anon
So… you deal.
Chaos daily in the classroom and poor student mental health is more important.
Anonymous
Parent of two Gen Alphas here. Agree with your last paragraph.
Anon
It’s me. I’m the problem. I rarely text my daughter during the day, but I like knowing that I can. Every school shooting (I can’t believe I just typed “every” in relation to “school shooting” makes me more anxious about her not having her phone.
Anon
I don’t judge you at all for this, but I’m also curious what the goal is for communication in an emergency. Is it to say I love you? Are you hoping to provide her with instruction that could be helpful for getting out of the situation (or to get information from her for law enforcement)? This is such a common fear and if we knew more about why exactly parents want to maintain that communication, knowing the risks (like distracting kids from teacher’s instruction), we might be able to make better policies.
Anon
This, would love to hear a parent’s perspective.
Anon
Your question is logical. My answer isn’t. I guess I need to be able to tell her I love her and God loves her and to try to give her comfort if the worst happens.
Anon
Yes, these are natural impulses.
SC
I would want to be able to text my child and tell him I love him, tell him to stay calm, to follow the teacher’s directions. I’d also want to know as soon as possible that he was safe.
I don’t feel like school shootings are that rare. A good friend’s family member died at Newton, another friend’s daughter attends Covenant Presbyterian in Nashville, and I have friends in the Parkland school district, though their kids weren’t in high school yet. So yeah, I worry about my kid dying at school, and I worry about my kid feeling alone and scared during a school shooting.
All that said, given what we’ve learned about smart phones, I recognize that the harms may outweigh the benefits. And different policies may work better for different schools–middle vs high school, private vs public, etc.
PLB
Me as well. Plus I coparent so my kid has her phone at school on days she’s going over to her dad’s.
Anon
I’m in favor of banning them in adult spaces, too, so yes, ban them in schools.
Anon
I think they should be banned – classrooms have phones in case of emergency. I truly think it’s more damaging to allow phone access during the school day than it is to not immediately have them in hand in case of emergency. I say this as a parent. I wish they’d eliminate chromebooks, too.
Anon
My kids’ school has the rule that phones are not to be used at all during the day, if a kid needs to be in touch with a parent for some reason, they can go to the office and call (not text) a parent from there during lunch or after school, or with specific permission during other times.
One time I got a text from my son not during one of those times and it wasn’t a time sensitive text. He lost bringing his phone to school privileges for a week because if he couldn’t follow the school rules on phones, then he cannot have his phone at school.
Anon
So one time I texted my kid during the school day to tell them that the pickup plan had changed and they were going to carpool home with a friend. The only time I ever text them during the school day (absent family emergency, which luckily we haven’t had) is for a last-minute logistics change – my husband has a really unpredictable job so sometimes this happens.
The school’s rule is that phones are supposed to be in their locker, turned off during the school day. If you’re seen with your phone, it’s an automatic detention. We explicitly told our kids when they got phones, that they are to follow these rules (which, I do feel like I should not have to tell my kids that they need to follow school rules, but we made it clear). We did a “cell phone contract” with them, and a line in it is following the school’s rules about phones (and camp or any other activity’s rules).
Anyway, I texted my kid, it was in his pocket, it beeped and he got in trouble at school. He came home upset that I “got him in trouble”. I was very clear that I did nothing, he got himself in trouble because he wasn’t following the rules about phone use.
Anon
Doesn’t this indicate a child is not mature enough to have a phone at school, or is overly attached in an unhealthy way, if they can’t follow the rules and instead keep it with them, not silent?
I’m not calling out your son — I think ALL kids could fit in this category. And that is why adults need to be the grown ups and remove the temptation completely. You can message the teacher or call the office if a plan changes; in elementary you have to notify the teacher if the dismissal plan is different, anyway.
Anon
Honestly it just sounds a bit absent minded to me. It sounds like he’s following the rules 99% of the time!
Anon
Yeah, I think he either forgot to put it in his locker or he was trying to push a boundary (as kids do with everything – and I’d rather him push this boundary than a more serious one!). I probably have to text him 2-3x a month with a schedule change and this was the only time it went off in class, so safe to say he’s usually following the rules.
The office doesn’t want to be the message center for 300 kids. They’ve said that office messages are for urgent things, not logistical things.
Seventh Sister
While I am probably more cynical than even the average GenX parent, I do think the pouch companies are a bit of a money grab. And part of me wonders whether the cell-phone bans are an easy way to abdicate responsibility for reining in bullying. If the kids only bully each other outside of school, how can the school be liable?
Anon
… do schools no longer discipline kids for out of school conduct? We had several kids get suspended or expelled for things that happened out of school (bullying, inappropriate social media posts, alcohol use).
Anonymous
They no longer discipline students for anything.
Seventh Sister
I don’t know what public schools do – my kids’ only experience with bullying was for something that happened at the school so it was obviously their jurisdiction.
AnonAnon
How scrupulous are you about sun protection? I’m seeing peers wearing full-length sun tops and leggings/gloves/neck covering when they’re outside or at at the beach. I’m 40 and Italian-American and olive skin; some melismas and freckles showing up on my face and body which I don’t love, but I wear SPF 50 and a hat when outside etc. I just love a dress of tank top and shorts in the summer and feel like the balance of being slightly wrinklier and spottier is worth it to me but wonder if I’ll regret it down the line. No skin cancer history.
Anon
Very religious, but I’m pale and have a family history of skin cancer so I’m not just doing it for cosmetic reasons.
Anon
Same here.
Anonymous
Hat and sunscreen. My Italian mom looks like leather and I don’t want that.
Anon
Even with a large family history of skin cancer*, I am more like you. I tan well and frankly like how I look tan. I also, like you, enjoy wearing tank tops and shorts and what not.
I wear SPF every day on my hands, neck, and face. It depends what I’m doing if a) wear full body sunscreen and b) reapply (sitting on the beach, I wear it all over and reapply every few hours. Commuting to work and running errands what not, I don’t). If I’m going for a quick outing (like an hour long run) or something later in the day (late afternoon BBQ), I don’t wear full body sunscreen. I wear hats if I’m on the beach or going for a run in the sun or something, but not in normal life being outdoors. When I’m on the beach, I usually spend part of my time either under a pier in the shade or wearing an SPF long sleeve shirt.
*My mom, aunts, uncles, and grandfather had lots of benign squamous growths removed. My dad had a lot of those, and eventually got stage 1 melanoma, which he beat easily. In talking with my dermatologist, it’s from their years and years of unprotected time in the sun. FWIW, they all grew up in beach towns and spent all day every day of their youth on the beach, lifeguarding, surfing, and sailing without sunscreen. My dad was a landscaper and works entirely outside and only started wearing sunscreen in the last part of his career.
Basically, my derm told me I’m fine living the way I am. There’s no need to change my habits, cover up more, or spend less time outside as long as I”m wearing SPF and not doing anything crazy.
Anon
I use the same approach. SPF 50 on my face and neck every morning 365 days a year. I apply it to my body if I know I’ll be outside for a while during summer. I always wear sunglasses before sundown, even on cloudy days. At the beach I stick to the shade. But I wear sleeveless tops and swimsuits. I’m not wearing long shirts and pants in nice weather. This is 95% anti aging and 5% skin cancer avoidance.
Anon
Oh yeah on the sunglasses. I’m a Californian and I feel like it’s normal here to wear sunglasses outside year round. I certainly do.
My opthamologist says she can see evidence in my eyeballs that I grew up somewhere sunny, and I did, running around in the California sun with no sunglasses. It wouldn’t have occurred to me! But since I was 20 something I’ve been a dedicated sunglasses wearer.
Anon
I live in sun shirts in the summer and it’s not even to protect against wrinkles, but because I absolutely hate the feel of my skin getting so hot (we call it “sun tired”). These shirts have totally taken that away for me.
Anon
Omg same.
Anon
What sun shirts do you wear?
Anon
The Patagonia capilene cool hoodies are my favorite. I have them in all colors and wear them for everything. My husband likes the REI Sahara ones.
Anonymous
I wear a long-sleeved rashguard or UPF top when I am out in the sun for a couple of hours or more. Sunscreen doesn’t do it for me, especially if I am sweating or in the water.
Anon
Rashguards are a godsend for full beach days, especially at water parks. I used to burn despite my best efforts!
Anon
I have super sensitive skin that reacts badly to both sun and sunscreen, so I try pretty hard to just avoid the sun as much as possible during peak hours and stay fairly covered up (hat, long sleeves, pants if reasonable). It’s not about wrinkles, but the immediate threat of my skin getting itchy, blotchy and flaky (I have seborrheic dermatitis that’s mostly under control otherwise) and occasional sun allergy (polymorphous light eruption). Skin cancer is also a concern as I’m very fair skinned and the parent with similar skin has had several minor skin cancers removed. I don’t wear sunscreen daily, though, as it can bother my skin and I WFH so I’m just not outside much, and not at all in the middle of the day. I do wear it when actually spending time outside (usually early in the morning).
Anon
Does your skin react to both so-called chemical sunscreen and also so-called physical sunblock? Sometimes the issue is sunscreen specific, or sometimes it’s an inactive ingredient issue (like a sensitivity to an emollient commonly used in lotions).
Anon
Chemical sunscreens are definitely more of a problem, but it doesn’t seem to be totally consistent and I also find many physical sunblocks to be unpleasant to wear unless I really need them. I also react badly to most makeup and other skincare products, so it’s definitely not just a sunscreen issue, I just have really sensitive skin that does best when I avoid anything but vanicream moisturizer (and meds for the seb derm) so it’s easier to stay covered up and avoid the sun than to rely on sunscreen. I dislike being in the sun and heat anyway, so I don’t feel like I’m missing out.
Anon
Different sensitive skinned poster, I’ve all but given up on mineral sunscreens. I have a whole spreadsheet listing the ones I’ve had itchy, splotchy, hivey reactions to.
I do much better with Asian sunscreens – not Asian brands manufactured for the US with FDA approved filters, which even the FDA admits are far behind.
Nothing I pick up at CVS is going to work for my skin. So I order from yes style and stock up. My current favorite is Biore Watery, and not the version you can get on Amazon. You have to get the one with Japanese labeling.
Anon
I’m extremely fair and burn even when wearing sunscreen, so I have to be careful.
Brontosaurus
Same, but I love wearing tank tops and shorts. I wear sunscreen daily, limit the amount of time I’m in the sun and when it’s unavoidable, wear a long-sleeve sun shirt.
Anon
If you are in USA, you may be one of the people being let down by the FDA currently (other countries have much better sun protection products that can’t be sold here partly because the FDA requires animal testing that is banned elsewhere).
Anon
I am vain enough to not want to be wrinkled as I age, but also to realize I look SO MUCH better tan (and natural tan – self tanner doesn’t do it for me), which means I”m constantly at odds with current vanity vs future vanity. I wear 30 SPF in a moisturizer on my face, neck, chest, and hands every day. I wear 30 SPF (typical sunscreen) if I’m going to be out in the sun for a few hours. I don’t like to get too hot, so on the beach I always spend time under the umbrella.
There’s a lot of mild basil cell and squamous cell skin cancer in my family; it’s annoying to deal with but it doesn’t worry anyone. My mom did have stage 0 melanoma, but it was contained so it was surgically removed (outpatient procedure, she went into work the next day) so even that wasn’t scary.
Anon
While I think the era of my youth was far too cavalier about sun protection, I frankly think the pendulum has swung way too far in the other direction. I wear sunscreen and occasionally hats or SPF clothing, and I occasionally seek out the shade instead of the sun but I think people go way overboard.
Anon
Question – how are people wearing sunscreen on their hands? I wash my hands all the time or I’m in the water and I don’t see how it stays on ever.
Anon
I have this question too! To be honest, I wash it off right away because I hate the feeling of it being on my fingers and palms after rubbing it into my face and there’s no real way to do that without also washing it off the backs of my hands. I have short arms, so I usually wear long sleeved sun shirts that are long enough to pull over my hands and protect them that way, but not always.
Anon
I put it on the backs of my hands every day & just wash my palms after.
Pep
I use a Clinique hand lotion with SPF after hand washing.
Anonymous
i finally caved and bought driving gloves – i work from home so that’s the main time i’m out is taking my kid to his school 30 minutes away. it’s super super dorky but i don’t care.
i have these.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07PXB7858/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Anon
I wear fingerless UPF gloves when I remember to on long drives. Mine go all the way to the elbow. My Asian bestie called me a “crazy old Asian lady” which makes me laugh every time I wear them. (I’m mostly white)
Anon
My Chinese friend showed me these “facekinis” you can get for swimming that have holes for your eyes and mouth but cover everything else. It’s so weird looking but honestly debating getting one for my next Caribbean vacation. Sunscreen is fine even for my ultra pale skin in my Midwest home, but I burn when I go to the tropics, no matter how much SPF 100 I apply. And it’s not practical to wear a hat when swimming or snorkeling.
Anon
Me too! I’ve got a couple different pairs around and wear them biking and driving and hiking. My faves are some super-lightweight ones by Outdoor Research that I got at REI.
cars
I am inside all day except while I am driving to/from work, or perhaps walking to get lunch downtown once or twice a week, and the only sun protection I wear during the week is the small amount that is already inside my makeup. I don’t put anything on if I am going to a kids sports game in the evening because I assume the sun isn’t strong enough to impact me by 5PM. On the weekends, I wear sunscreen on my face probably about 50% of the time, and try to wear a hat more often than not. My outside activities are primarily kids soccer games etc., so a good amount of sun. I know I should probably be better about it, and I had a period of time where I was religious about hats because I had a little spot removed from my forehead, but I have gotten a bit more lax about it. My mom is terrible about sun protection and she looks much older than she is, but she is outdoors all day long. I think my general thinking is that I am not in the sun enough for a real negative impact.
Anon
I feel like I take a reasonable stance: daily SPF on my face, incidental sun exposure from wearing a sundress is fine (and even healthy! You need vitamin D!), but wear a rash guard and serious sunscreen for extended outdoor activities.
Anon
In my day to day life, my face moisturizer has SPF in it. I think some sun exposure is healthy, so I walk 15 mins each way to work and usually take my lunch outside and frequently wear dresses or sleeveless tops and that’s good because I need my vitamin D!
On the beach or at the pool I wear SPF and usually but not always a hat. I don’t wear rash guards – I hate the feeling of them and as stated above, some sun exposure is good for you.
Anon
There’s a lot of information out there that using sunscreen doesn’t actually prevent skin cancer. Personally, I wear it only when I’m going to be out in the sun, like at the beach or a pool. And even there, I choose the shade and don’t lay out and never have. I do not wear in my day to day life at all and never have. No wrinkles either for this 50+ gal of the sun sort you’re thinking about, Botox and shade work wonders.
Anon
Where are you seeing information that sunscreen doesn’t prevent skin cancer?
Anon
People are saying!
Anon
There have always been some concerns that sunscreen may not work as well as sunblock or as sun protective clothing, leading to a false sense of reassurance and increased risk. Most modern sunscreens are broad spectrum now, so false reassurance over formulation is less of a concern, but if someone is clearly getting bad reactions to the combination of sunscreen and sun they’re advised to switch to sunblock. Epidemiologically, skin cancer rates have not decreased (they’ve increased), though the reasons why are not clear. It could be that people aren’t relying as much on sun protective clothing that worked better, or it’s just some confounder not related to people’s sun precautions at all.
Anon
Fringe ‘natural’ influencers.
Anon
https://undark.org/2019/06/12/science-sunscreen-public-trust-cancer/
Anon
Just so you know, that is complete bullshit. SPF when used properly is highly effective at preventing skin cancer. That’s why educated people like dermatologists (not influencers) are always pushing it.
Anon
This is definitely true all else being equal! It can also be true that it’s not necessarily enough for some people at elevated risk.
Anon
I think I’m that crazy person but I definitely have pale friends who go even further than I do. I’m Irish and a natural redhead (think Julianne Moore) so I burn/peel/freckle like crazy if I don’t cover up. For me this means sunblock every AM on my face/neck, sun shirts plus SPF if I’ll be out all day/at the beach, and hats to cover my face/eyes/ears.
My mom is Italian and worships the sun and now looks like a stereotypical brown and wrinkly old lady at 73. Her sisters are nurses and covered up/use SPF and though they are 2 and 4 years apart they look decades younger than her. That was enough to convince me to carry on with SPF!
Anon
You’re right to do this. Redheads have a much higher chance of developing a melanoma!
Anonymous
Not at all. I almost never wear any form of protection, though I do spend most of my time inside. At 50, I do regret not making a habit of putting sunscreen on my hands, though, esp when driving here in the SEUS. It is the one place I can see some sun damage.
Anonymous
Someone once told me that her “vice” was the sun and I feel the same way. I stopped tanning in my mid 20s when the perils of sun exposure became more apparent but truly my great pleasure in life is swimming in the ocean and baking in the sun afterwards.
That being said, I take a moderate approach. I wear a hat and sunscreen on all exposed skin when I leave the house (including in winter, early mornings, etc). If I’m going to be out in the sun during mid day when sun is strong I bring a light linen long sleeve layer to put on. But I otherwise wear shorts, tanks, dressed, long sleeve tees. I will sit in the sun for a bit at the beach, etc.
I had cancer (not melanoma) in my early 30s and honestly…life is too short for me to not sit in the sun for a bit at the beach occasionally. The biggest cancer risk I ever took was taking chemo – nothing will ever compare. Obviously it was life saving, but chemo isn’t really designed for young patients and the chemo I took typically causes another form of cancer 15-25 years down the line.
Anon
I have a friend who felt/feels the same way about the sun but now that she’s in her 50s she covers up her chest because it’s very wrinkly and damaged. She’s pretty bummed about it to be honest.
Anon
Very, and it’s based on vanity. I don’t want wrinkles.
Anon
I think it’s hilarious that so many people here say things like “people take it too far.” It just sounds so defensive. Why do you care how much sun protection other people choose? It doesn’t affect you at all.
Anon
Sort of like vegans, some but not at all all of them are overt with their side eye at people who are not doing the same.
Signed,
non-proselytizing vegan who likes a bit of sun
Anon
Yeah – there are definitely people who virtue signal their excellent sun protection, and I don’t care for that. I wear SPF but that’s about it, I love the sun.
Anonymous
so i am very religious, including at the beach — full length rash guard, always a hat, always sunscreen, etc.
that said, i’m also overweight and usually wrangling small kids — if i loved my body in bikini or sexy swimsuits i might just go without if my husband and i were going away. but for the most part our vacations are more about practicality and i’d rather look like a dork in front of strangers than i would deal with reapplying sunscreen at the proscribed times.
Anon
I don’t really hang out on beaches. That’s how I practice my sun scrupulousness. If I’m somewhere sunny for an extended period of time I tend to wear a hat and maybe a UPF shirt. I don’t really wear shorts (that has more to do with how I feel about my thighs than the sun.)
In terms of applying SPF, I am way, way better about it since switching to Asian sunscreens, because they’re just so much nicer to wear. I apply a full three fingers to face and neck every morning over my skincare serums. An additional glob for my upper chest and backs of hands. I tend to reapply if I’m going for a walk after work. If I’m wearing any makeup I just pat it on over that and it works fine.
I also tend to wear a cap while walking. I know it’s not 100% but it helps.
This summer I have not accidentally burned anywhere – even my nose, not once. Which is kind of a first for me. Sunscreen works, it turns out!
Anonymous
I was glad to scroll down and see some people not so totally overboard with sunscreen. As a person with perpetual deficit of vitamin D I believe that being in the sun for a bit (not in the middle of the summer not in the middle do the day) is beneficial for me without any sunscreen as vitamin D is absorbed through the skin. I try to be reasonable about sun exposure and sunscreen and shade.
Anon
I guess I am one of the outliers here…. I rarely wear sunscreen or take other precautions in daily life other than wearing a hat when I am out with my kids on the weekend. If I am at the beach or a pool or otherwise know I will be outside all day (like at Disneyland with the kids), I will put sunscreen on my arms and chest and shoulders, but otherwise I never do. I sit under an umbrella at the beach, so I am never actively laying out or tanning.
Anonymous
The cleaning and decluttering questions were helpful yesterday so here’s another – how do you get rid of old laptops? Turns out I have every old laptop I’ve ever owned since business school and I want them gone. They don’t work, some don’t have working power cords to even turn them on. When I get a new one, I immediately transfer the data I need so it isn’t about that. But obviously they still have identity information on them like TurboTax and other paper work. IDK that I necessarily deleted all such information. Do I need to somehow get rid of that which would be a challenge if I can’t turn them on? And then what do I do w them? General garbage like an apartment trash chute?
Anonymous
Not general garbage! Often cities and towns run electronic recycling days- your work might have them too. I would start with searching for those.
Anonymous
I took an old one to Best Buy, which had turn-in program. I don’t know if they still do. The young guys at the tech counter were agog at seeing one of the very earliest Apple laptops. I felt ancient to realize they were barely born when I bought the thing.
Anon
Every city I’ve lived in has an electronic waste recycling center, usually free, sometimes only open on certain days, just google it. Ideally you’d have deleted all of your info first, but if you can’t turn them on any more, you can just pop out the hard drive and bash it with a hammer. Or just drop it off and decide the risk is low and your info has already been stolen anyway.
Anon
You could also ask on your neighborhood listserv or FB group if there is someone who refurbishes them and gives them good future homes. We have a guy locally who gives them to a local intercity school system for students to use at home.
Anon
For really old laptops, in the past I would drill a hole in the hard drive and then bring it to Staples. I usually only did this with PC’s that had personal information but I couldn’t turn on anymore. They’ll recycle it for a small fee. I know our town also has e-waste days, but the hours are usually really inconvenient.
Anon
When you get a new laptop, you should wipe the old one.
Anonymous
please don’t put them in the trash chute!
i take this stuff to the electronic recycling days at the city town — some of the materials in the laptops aren’t safe to throw away in general and others can be extracted/processed to be used again. (and depending on the age i thought there may be harder-to-find resources in older models.)
Cora
Any suggestions for WFH “day dresses” that I can buy on Amazon and that are soft / comfortable? Things I can wear at home and be comfy but also can step out of the house in and look decent. I find that being decently dressed makes me more inclined to leave the house too.
Anonymous
Z Supply Reverie dress
Anonymous
what shoes do you wear with that dress? thx
Anonymous
Big buckle Birks
Anon
I wear T shirt dresses for this. I’m sure Amazon has plenty, but I’ve loved the ones I have from Old Navy and Gap.
Anon
Also a fan of various Old Navy jersey dresses for this. No experience with Amazon versions, but I’m sure they have similar options if that is the preferred vendor.
Anonymous
I like Pact for this
Anonymous
I have bought a lot from Mango, though my favorite was from Zara..
Anonymous
I find these at H&M
anon
Second H&M for cozy day dresses.
Anon
Beyond Yoga has some nice soft casual dresses.
Anonymous
i always look for pockets in dresses because i hate shoving my phone into my bra and lose it otherwise. i just got a cute one from gap’s crinkle line that i like.
Anon
Advice on driving from Stroudsburg PA to Charlotte with an elderly parent? And avoiding cities? I’m thinking 78 to 15 to 270 around the DC Beltway to 66 and then down 29 to Greensboro to 85 to Charlotte. Parent wants to drive over two days and I can’t figure out a likely stopping point that isn’t somewhere in DC. 10 years ago I used to go from Dulles to Stroudsburg regularly but haven’t driving around that area since and IDK how best to do all this now.
Anon
I would go to Harrisburg, 81 all the way down, and then take 40. Stop in Harrisonburg or Lexington VA.
Anon
I’ve done variants of that drive a LOT (went to W&L), and it’s a very easy drive: not a lot of traffic, relatively high speed limits, scenic, and doesn’t have bad mountains or hairpin turns.
Personally, I don’t like 29; I’ve done too many white-knuckle drives on it.
The biggest city to avoid is DC, so I’m not sure why you would hit that and then go out of your way to avoid Richmond. It seems like you’re doing that drive the worst way possible: avoiding the easy highways in Virginia and hitting the worst in DC.
Anonymous
Also a W&L alum (hi!) and have done this drive a ton. 81 to 77 in Wytheville, VA. 77 takes you right in to Charlotte. 81 is truck-y but an easier drive than 95 to 85.
Anon
Hi, fellow General!
emeralds
+1. Avoid DC like the plague and 270 is absolutely godawful when it backs up. There are plenty of nice towns on 81 that would be good stopping points, depending on how far you want to go–Winchester, Harrisonburg, or Staunton would be my picks.
BeenThatGuy
100% 81 as far as you can take it. I just did the same drive from North Jersey all the way down to Asheville.
anon a mouse
I would avoid the Beltway if you can – can you just stay on 81 until you get to NC and then take 77? There are hotels in Harrisionburg and Staunton VA that could work for you, and 81 is fairly pleasant (though there is a lot of truck traffic). I would avoid 29 between DC and Charlottesville, it’s a lot of traffic and traffic lights. But if you want to arrive in Charlotte via 29/85, you could cut east from 81 at Staunton/Charlottesville and pick it up there.
Anon
OP here — thanks for all of this. Relative seems nervous about how remote 81 can be and being so hilly as to have runaway truck ramps. Also, there is a feeling that 29 has easy bathroom stopping with a moments notice and if 81 backs up with a wreck you may be trapped in a car with no place to go to the bathroom if urgently needed. I see how it can be better and maybe I used to avoid it in the winter for weather reasons??? It may be the best way to avoid DC and Leslxington is pretty.
Anon
If you’re basically parked on a highway in DC, you can’t get to a bathroom, either.
emeralds
Parts of 29 can be pretty danged remote, especially once you get south of Lynchburg, VA. I would under no circumstances assume that you can stop at a moment’s notice for a bathroom break, unless you mean the woods. It is also hilly/mountainous and winding at points.
81 is a heavily traveled truck route so there is well developed infrastructure up and down the interstate. I’ve taken it as far south as Bristol and it’s really fine. (64 once it splits into West Virginia…perhaps another story with the runaway truck ramps.) Look, I used to go from east/central VA to central PA on a very regular basis and a non-zero part of the time, we would end up diverting off 95 to 81 to avoid DC because it got so backed up. The 95/Beltway/270 route should have been 2 hours and 50 minutes driveway to driveway. The longest it ever took us was six and a half hours. Please don’t put yourself through this. The DC traffic is so much worse than it used to be 10 years ago.
Anon
I should add: if there is a wreck on 81, you can usually take 11, which parallels 81 for most of the drive. Even back in the aughts, signs on the highway would tell you to detour.
Runcible Spoon
Take 81 to 77. Stop overnight in Harrisonburg, if you want to stop halfway (about 4.5 hours each leg). Stop overnight in Roanoke (and stay at the Hotel Roanoke) if you wannt to stop 2/3 of the way there (about 6.5 hours first day, and 2.5 hours second day), and have an easy second day drive into Charlotte. Enjoy the drive!
Runcible Spoon
Also, if you can drive down and up 81 on a Sunday, there are fewer trucks on the road. And leave as early as humanly possible.
interview help
I have a job interview today for a 100% remote position. It’s the first interview with the firm and it’s with the CEO directly. It’s a medium sized private (non law) firm. I got the job lead through a good friend. The CEO’s comment to her was “For the right person we’ll do anything, including permit 100% remote work” which is not the norm – norm is hybrid. They have an HR function but I’m interviewing for a pretty significant role in the company so it isn’t a job that was posted publicly, and my network led me to this point. While I do have a copy of the job description, I haven’t had any prelim calls with HR to talk about comp, the 100% remote set up or anything else benefit related.
I’m not sure whether some of these “HR topics” will come up with the CEO, but I want to be prepared. How do I answer “what are your comp expectations?” or any other inquiries about remote work arrangements? I do know a rough range (a $100k wide band) for comp so while it’s in the range I’m hoping for, obviously it’s still quite vague what they’re looking for.
Clementine
The script I would personally use if asked would be, ‘I think it does depend on the total compensation packages; however, from my research it looks like there’s a pretty broad range in salary – $X to $Y. Based on my experience and the position here, I would be looking for something in the middle/at the top/at the bottom (?) of that range.’
NaoNao
I would wait until the “do you have any questions” phase if you advance to the next round, almost all interviewers ask, and you can simply say “yes, I’ve got some logistical or practical stuff I’d like to go over…” and then ask away!
Anon
Not with the CEO. They don’t know any of that. This conversation will be all about the role. Prepare for that and when the time comes, discuss comp with whoever makes the offer to you.
Anon
+1 not with the CEO
OP
Just had the call. IT was all just get to know you stuff. He did ask if I was willing to relocate (he knew the answer was no) so I said no, and he said that was a-ok. There are actually a handful of employees that are remote, which I didn’t realize, so it went great. Thanks for the guidance!
ALT
After having chronically low vitamin D levels (it was barely in the double digits), I am now more balanced about SPF and sun protection. I do full body sunscreen and reapply at the pool or beach, wear a hat, and wear a daily SPF 30 on my face, but I’ve stopped going overboard. If I’m taking a walk after work, I won’t apply sunscreen to my face or body but I’ll wear a hat, more for shading my view. If I’m eating lunch outside, I’ll sit in a shady spot but I won’t actively hide from the sun.
My family has a history of skin cancer and we’re all the color of milk, but I hate feeling like sun protection is ruling my life. I’m okay with a few freckles or age spots in exchange.
Anonymous
Posted something very very similar in the topic above! I have a similar approach since I live relatively north it’s actually lack of sun that affects me more
Runcible Spoon
You can also take a Vitamin D supplement to boost your numbers.
Anon
+1
Not sure why the OP isn’t doing this? She must not have very many real medical problems. Lucky!
Most of us are Vitamin D deficient.
Anon
Fluffy Friday: who’s your fictional character crush?
I am a decade late to the British series Grantchester, but oh my word, Sidney Chambers 🔥 Good boy with an edge and so handsome? Yes please.
Who’s yours? Mr. Darcy? Heathcliff? Michael Weston? Will Gardner? Do tell!
Anon
Seeley Booth from Bones
Anon
James Hathaway on Lewis.
anon
Oh yes!
BeenThatGuy
Edward Cullen. Go ahead and hate on me but I stand by it.
Anon
It’s OG James Bond, so people will hate on me more. Not good for me and no redeeming features but the heart wants what the heart wants.
Anon
Spock puts me in good company with both of you.
Anonymous
The tenth Doctor.
DrAnon
the eighth Doctor… I’m not proud of myself
Senior Attorney
Ten will always be my Doctor! <3 <3
Carrots
Gilbert Blythe from Anne of Green Gables since I was like 10 haha
Anon
Beast from the 90s cartoon version
Derek Morgan from Criminal Minds
Will Hunting
Anon
James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser.
SC
+1
Anon
+1. That’s who I immediately thought of
Maudie Atkinson
Matt Saracen and Carmy Berzatto.
Anon
Riggins!
anon
Elliot Stabler from CSI
Anon
Surely you mean Law & Order??
Anonymous
Malcom Reynolds. Han Solo. Jason Bourne, movie version.
Anon
Definitely Will Gardner, Quinn in the early seasons of Homeland. Jamie Lannister (other than the weird twincest thing).
Seventh Sister
Gale in the Hunger Games, Henry Winter in The Secret History (I know I know he’s a villain), Robin Hood.
Anona
Do you mean the cartoon Robin Hood? A while back a disturbingly high number of us admitted our first crush was the Disney Robin Hood fox.
Seventh Sister
Book Robin Hood, Robin Hood in this weird British series that was on PBS (Michael Praed and Jason Connery), Errol Flynn Robin Hood, Disney Robin Hood. NOT Kevin Costner, but Patrick Bergin is acceptable to me.
Anon
I was here thinking I had no crushes, but if we can go back to Errol Flynn, I guess I can name Christopher Reeve and Gregory Peck!
Anonymous
mulder in my teens (xfiles)
spike in my 20s (buffy)
luke in my 30s (gilmore girls)
i’m in my 40s now… not sure i have one on tv.
(mr. darcy always, though)
Anon
Special Agent Dale Cooper 4eva
Anonymous
Longmire from the Netflix series. Rayland Givens from Justified.
Anon
Oh no, he’s mine. You can’t have him.
Anon
I must be getting old because I can’t think of one. I think Jackson Brodie (Kate Atkinson’s private detective guy) was supposed to be a hunk but he didn’t do it for me. Then I watched the BBC series and didn’t like the actor either.
Mr. Darcy as played by Colin Firth did it for me for a long, long time.
Anonymous
Me too!
Anon
Rhett Butler. Ruthlessly pragmatic, smart, tough, pursues the woman he wants and protects her.
Anon
Ben Wyatt in Parks and Rec
Anon
Showing my age here, but Remington Steele.
anon
The Witcher
Anon
Mr Darcy
Anon
Question about aging parent – we are not yet in the sad position described by a poster yesterday, but my mom seems to be losing her filter. It’s beyond “I’m old, and I don’t care what anyone thinks.” It’s a departure from the way she has always communicated. She’s always been “very demure, very mindful.” She’s chosen her words carefully.
Lately, she has been making bizarre comments on physical appearance. Her comments aren’t overtly mean but they’re things I’d put in the category of things we don’t say out loud, like “Wow, that sure is a big tattoo.” This is happening frequently. Then, yesterday, she sent a text to a relative who offended her. The text was wayyyyyy over the top for a really minor offense. I told her I thought it was over the top and she doubled down. It’s just not like her.
How do you begin a conversation? “Mom, I think you’re losing it?” Should I marshal my siblings and insist she she a neurologist because we are worried about her cognition?
Anonymous
Has she had a major change in her life or a grief experience? I only ask bc my MIL is the same way and it doesn’t appear to be cognitive – it’s just like she has dropped all niceties following the loss of my FIL. She has no more Fs to give and says what she thinks. She’s a little better in front of my kids (which is one way I know it’s not cognition; she knows what she’s doing), but it’s out of control around adults.
Of Counsel
For your own sake, please let go of the thought that you and your siblings can “insist” that your mother do anything – up to and including seeing a doctor. Until and unless she is deemed incompetent by a court, she is an adult who gets to make her own decisions. You can your siblings can (and perhaps should) suggest that she should talk to her doctor; you can call her doctor and raise concerns, although with the understanding that the information will only flow one way. But you do not get to dictate your mother’s medical care any more than she could make you go to the doctor or dentist in your 20s.
And I know (believe me I really, really know) how hard that is, but beating your head against a wall only hurts your head.
BeenThatGuy
This is a really solid advice. This summer, I went through moving my mother into Assisted Living after the state intervened and deemed her unfit to live on her own due to the deplorable conditions of her home (discovered by EMS after a health struggle). Since then, my mother’s personality has done a 180. She’s now cruel and angry. We know the best way to react is with compassion and empathy but it’s not always possible when the hate is spewed in your direction. I know she’s in a safe place now and will be cared for. I’ve done what I could.
Anon
Amen.
Anon
My grandma went through this personality shift in her 60s. It wasn’t cognitive decline. She actually never experienced any cognitive decline and was sharp for decades afterward! I think it was more running out of fs to give and probably pain since a lot of people’s personalities change when they’re in pain and she had pretty severe RA.
Anon
Yep.
Anon
She may just be all out of Fs. It’s exhausting to be very demure and very mindful.
Anon
My mother became inappropriately outspoken and at time downright hateful in the earliest years of dementia when she had realized what was happening but she was still able to hide it, even from close relatives. Her lashing out was so nasty that my father nearly divorced her. Unfortunately she had always had a temper and was little more outspoken than society deemed acceptable, so we all thought it was just her having no f’s to give and being even more her.
Anon
No, of course you don’t say “you’re losing it” or anything close. Try calling her PCP and asking if he/she can call your mom for a “wellness exam” that can include some basic cognitive testing.
I understand all too well the desire to minimize what’s happening – she’s just out of Fs to give, she’s just upset about ___, etc. In my experience, personality and cognitive changes are much more serious most of the time.
Anon
My mom is gone now, but her lips did get looser as she got older. She was never diagnosed with dementia but she definitely didn’t care as much about what people thought of her, and she didn’t “watch her mouth” as much. She battled ber own weight for most of her life and became a skinny old lady who thought she was fat, so a lot of internalized fat phobia.
I was standing with her at a store counter, she was leaning on her walker, two teenagers walked by us, and she stage-whispered to me “fat.” They were, I guess, but I have eyes, mom. I can see that without you telling me!
It wasn’t dementia in her case. She just did not GAF. And she had kept it buttoned up for a lifetime so I guess she was letting it fly.
Anon
You don’t really give enough info, but nothing you are saying sounds at all like an older person who is “losing it”. How old is she? Has she had any major life changes/health issues/losses lately?
Sometimes people just become more of who they truly are as they age.
Sometimes women finally feel free to say what they have been holding in for years as they age. Can be nice!
Depression is more common than you think late in life, and can come out in this way.
Sometimes it can be very
But I mean… is she getting lost when she is driving the car? Is she talking to her dead mother that she sees in the corner? Is she wandering the streets at night confused? Is she forgetting that she saw you yesterday? Then please…. never EVER say to anyone “I think you’re losing it”. And if you say that to someone who has lost it, that will fail miserably.
Sure disinhibition can be a red flag for some less common types of dementia, but there’s a lot more to think about too.
Just talk to her. How are things going? What’s on your mind these days? Are you ok? And really listen. Is she sleeping, eating normally… seeing friends… feel like she has purpose and value. Start there.
Anon
Based on the smartphones in class conversation above, do you think millennial parents will be less helicopter-y? It seems like a lot of people, both in that conversation, elsewhere online, and in real life, roll their eyes and can’t believe how helicopter parents act and think it’s for the worse. I’m wondering if these reactions will transfer over to how we actually raise kids.
Anon
They seem to be helicopter-y in a different way. For example, there’s a pushback occurring against heavily supervised play in favor of “independent play” – but then millennial parents are going ALL in to plan and schedule and research independent play! It’s not actually a throwback to the truly independent play of 50 years ago when parents didn’t know where their kids were or what they were doing.
Anon
Lol yes, exactly.
Anonymous
This exactly. My millennial relatives are rigid fanatics about baby-led weaning, no refined sugar, no scheduled activities, “encouraging” creative building with Legos, etc. They think everything they do is very child-led and natural but in fact it’s not. They are also very self-centered and entitled and make a lot of demands for help from their parents and us Gen Xers to help them out in ways we would never have dreamed of asking. Like at family events they are “off duty” and refuse to supervise their own kids, so my husband and I or our teenager or their parents have to keep them from choking or drowning. Or we get last-minute demands for hours of babysitting or days of petsitting in situations where we would have hired a sitter or sent the pet to the kennel. They claim to be all about “boundaries” but don’t want anyone else to have boundaries.
Anon
I’ve definitely noticed a certain degree of entitlement to free childcare from millennial relatives. It’s not done in the way of “I want my son to really know his grandpa,” but “I can’t believe grandpa won’t spend three weeks living in our basement while school is on winter break and I don’t want to pay for temporary care.” There’s also a LOT of “grandpa isn’t going to follow my instructions perfectly, he’s such a jerk” going on with a certain family
member…
Clementine
I think millennial parents will likely have more emotionally healthy kids who are comfortable setting boundaries. I think people will not like that these kids are not people pleasers.
I also think that as a millennial, somehow we are always ‘doing it wrong’. We were told to go to college – we did, now we get told what fools we were if we took out student loans. Same with ‘work hard’ – now so many of us are burnt out it’s literally a punchline. “don’t have kids you can’t afford” so… millennials had way fewer kids! And that was wrong. So if we let our kids walk to the bus alone, we’re neglectful but if we walk with them we’re helicopter parents. Truly I’ve just accepted to do the best I can and somebody will have an issue with it.
Anonymous
I am very skeptical of people who talk in terms of “boundaries.” These people are usually trying to affirmatively dictate how others act towards them, when boundaries are really about the opposite–how you react to others and what behavior you will accept from them. The “boundaries” people also get very put out when others try to enforce their own boundaries. I posted about my millennial relatives’ parenting above. Their “boundaries” are things like “I won’t help anyone else but I will demand lots of help from others,” “I will tell my MIL up front that she is not allowed to talk about XYZ topics” [real boundary-setting would be to shut down unacceptable talk or walk away when it actually happens], “I will demand that my mom supervise my child on the slide because family time is my off-duty time, and then I will scream at her because she allowed my child to climb the ladder himself while she watched,” “I won’t let any other parent correct my child for stealing their child’s toys,” etc.
Clementine
Nah, my boundaries I’m talking are more like, ‘Sorry. I’m not available to drive 7 extra hours round trip on Thanksgiving to attempt to make everybody happy.’
SC
I deeply feel your comment about we’re somehow always doing it wrong. I may want to foster independence in my 9 year old, but if I let my kid wander 15 feet away from me, I see panic on strangers’ faces and have to say, “He’s mine, it’s OK.” When he was 2, he fell off a play structure at a public playground, and people looked absolutely horrified that my friend and I were sitting off to the side and not there to catch him. Until he was 6 or 7, I felt like I couldn’t leave my kid alone in the car long enough to return the grocery cart because some stranger might call the police without even looking for mom or waiting 30 seconds.
Meanwhile, my parents started leaving me home alone when I was 8, for like an hour while my mom went to the grocery store. If she had a bunch of errands to run, I’d have to go with her, but I was allowed to stay in the car while she ran inside to the bank or dry cleaner or whatever short errand. On weekends, I rode my bike all over the neighborhood with my friends, and my parents didn’t really know where I was and would have to drive the neighborhood if they needed to find me.
It feels like now, it’s hard to do anything that builds independence while they’re young. And that seems to make kids more anxious.
Clementine
(Yup. Can’t win.)
Anonymous
There is a huge difference between “not a people-pleaser” and “self-centered entitled brat.” What people don’t like is the second, not the first.
Clementine
My thought here was specifically about work. I will work on days off, do slide decks at 2AM, answer calls on vacation… my younger staff doesn’t.
Anon
Take a note from your younger staff ASAP!
Anon
My millennial friends who have kids are MAJOR helicopter moms. Kids are super scheduled, tons of camps and activities, etc.
Anonymous
I don’t think of scheduling lots of kids activities as helicopter parenting, though. HC parenting is about fighting your kids’ battles for them, overly supervising, and trying to make their lives easier. Kids do need parents to sign them up for activities, they can’t do it themselves. I agree over scheduled kids can be a problem, but it’s a distinct one.
Anon
Yes, over scheduling is a separate issue than helicoptering. I’m against both, but HC parenting is definitely worse.
Anon
I see it as part of the overly supervising issue and also being hyper vigilant to making sure their kids succeed – start them in Chinese/piano/robotics/etc at 3 years old and never ever give them downtime.
PLB
I agree with this. Over scheduling can often be part and parcel of parents that have a plan for the kids’ lives with the right activities, right friends, right community, etc.
Anon
Yeah, I see it as related too. You can helicopter without overscheduling and overschedule without helicoptering, but there’s definitely overlap for a certain upper middle class parent that wants their kid in all the “right” activities from a very young age.
Anon
I think millennial parents will do just as good a job screwing up their kids (according to those kids) as every other generation of parents, will feel just as guilty over whether they are doing it right (and perhaps more so thanks to social media), and that the media will continue to take a relatively small number of outliers and make it sound like it represents an entire generation.
I do think they are starting to realize the damage done to children from early and pervasive social media and cell phone use so hopefully that is not a mistake that will continue – although that is not demonstrated by the kids I am surrounded with.
Anon
I’m hoping for improvements on the social media and smart phone use as well. There are lots of other mistakes to make, but the evidence is overwhelming on how bad they are for kids and it’s something within our control to change. I guess it goes for screen time in general.
Anon
My thing is that I’m super against smart phones and social media and video games but I also think its bad to be anti-screen time or to put too strict of limits on screen time. My thing is I’m okay with “full length” shows, movies, and watching sports but I’m against video clips (whether that’s TikTok or YouTube or something else), video games or games on the phone, and social media. I want my kids to have phones, because I think its healthy for them to be able to connect with friends when they’re not together, but I don’t want phones to replace in person get togethers. I’m also afraid of how phone use can be used for bad – bullying or talking to strangers – and thus that’s something I monitor while I still think its an important outlet for kids to have PRIVATE conversations with their friends so I will not read my kids’ texts.
Cb
I feel similarly on screens. I think there is a substantive difference between watching a movie on a TV screen, chosen at that moment, than something churned out on autoplay. We have a movie or a few episodes of something on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday afternoons if there’s nothing better going on, and that feels totally fine to me.
Anon
I’m against personal tablets for kids, especially preschool age. More ok with family movie night.
Anon
I’m on the younger end of millennial, so none of my friends have kids yet (and probably won’t for 3-5 years). We all talk a big game about kids either being too addicted to devices OR never ever being allowed to watch TV, our nieces and nephews who are never told no and have no rules, and parents we know who act like giving your kid the occasional Coke (the soda) is akin to giving them coke (the drug).
It’ll be interesting to see what we hold to when we do have kids, but I thinkkkk we’ll be stricter in some ways (like telling our kids no) but more relaxed in other ways (“normal” amounts of TV and sugar is fine).
Anonymous
Oh the smugness of people before they have kids…
Anon
Which is why we say it’ll be interesting to see what we hold on to when we do have kids. But, its very apparent to us that the kids we do know are being parented quite differently than how we were parented. There are certainly things our parents did that we don’t support and won’t do, but it does seem like respect and following rules and having boundaries has gone out the window with the kids we do know…
Anon
I think of it more as the smugness of parents for people who express preferences about having kids – as if you never had preferences yourself.
Anonymous
This didn’t come across as smug to me, a veteran parent. It comes across as pragmatic.
Anon
Oh the smugness of parents. Geez. The person you’re replying to sounds very reasonable.
Anon
Not feeling like this comment was smug.
But I was perhaps smug myself before I had my kids. I knew exactly how I was going to parent until I had actual kids. It’s humbling!
The thing I will say here is “man plans, g-d laughs”. My kids are so different from each other and how I parent each of them had to be so different. It’s nature, not nurture. They were born with their personalities.
Anon
So I have a baby, so I don’t know what its like to have a middle school student yet AND I recognize that things I thought I would do or wouldn’t do with a baby have changed since I’ve had one.
With that caveat, I cannot imagine a situation in which I would complain to school admin if my kid got a detention or something. Or complain about my kid not making the varsity team or getting into the select choir? I know there will be times I”ll want to or need to stand up and advocate for my kid, but I can’t imagine the rationale any parent would have for complaining about a detention? Honestly, even if I thought it was a little unfair I can’t see myself getting involved.
Anon
I think sometimes it’s not a little unfair; it’s wildly unfair. Think of zero tolerance policies where if the student who is being cruelly bullied stands up for themselves or even someone else in any way, even just by raising their voice, now they’re part of the problem and get the same consequences as the bully. Think of students being penalized based on attendance policies when they missed school while hospitalized. Maybe now they don’t get into the AP class even though their non-attendance scores are good enough because of all that homework they did in the hospital.
I think teachers are in a terrible position at a lot of schools these days, and I’m aghast at the way parents try to get in them in trouble for daring to apply the rules to their child. But sometimes the schools are truly ridiculous; we shouldn’t have healthcare professionals putting out PSAs about the physical harm done to kids by draconian bathroom break policies. It feels like when side escalates, the other side escalates, and reasonable people get caught in between!
Anon
Well that’s why I said a little unfair. Wildly unfair things, I would intervene on.
If it was wildly unfair, I would want to talk to the admin. I was thinking more along the lines of “I got lunch detention for being late to class, but I was late because a teacher stopped me in the hall” – yeah, not ideal and probably not deserving of a lunch detention but I’m not intervening for that. Or, I wasn’t using my phone but it made noise so I got it taken or I got detention – okay, you weren’t using it, but you are supposed to keep it in your locker and you didn’t so that’s on you – I’m not intervening.
Anything that is unfair that would hurt my kid (suspension for standing up to a bully under a zero tolerance rule or being penalized for a hospitalization or unfair bathroom use rules) is something I would totally go to bat for my kid for.
Anon
This is pretty much what my parents did when I was in school (intervened on the important stuff, not the “that’s life” stuff).
I think when rules are rigid and unfair it still undermines authority in general. I was a respectful, rule following kind of kid who thrived in strictly disciplined environments, and I think it’s healthy for kids to develop some realistic skepticism towards authorities while still complying, but it feels like there’s a lot of veering between extremes these days.
SC
My mom once intervened on something that was wildly unfair. In 4th grade, we changed classrooms/ teachers for math and ELA. One day, after class change, the snot-nosed bully who sat in the same seat raised his hand and told the teacher (who didn’t like me for some reason) that I had drawn a smiley face on the desk. The teacher came to my classroom, pulled me out, stood me up in front of her whole classroom, lectured me, and told me to go erase the smiley face. Reader, there was no smiley face. The kid made the whole thing up. The desks were ancient and full of marks, but no new ones and nothing that resembled a face. The teacher came over and looked, and just told me to go back to my class. I was embarrassed in front of the entire grade for no reason. And the bully who made up the story didn’t get punished at all.
My mom called the teacher and apparently gave her quite the talking-to. She complained to the principal. She called the bully’s parents. The bully and the teacher left me alone for the rest of the year. (Actually, I went to school with the bully for another 8 years, and he never spoke to me again.) I found out about all this in college.
SC
To be clear, the other kid had been bullying me and my friend for several years. I still remember and am insecure about some of the things he said about my appearance and my voice–all before I turned 10. And the things he said about my friend’s weight affected my relationship with food and my body for years.
If I had to guess, my mom was particularly upset that the teacher couldn’t see through this kid and at least question whether he was telling the truth.
Anon
Your Mom sounds great.
Seventh Sister
My youngest is in middle school, and I’ve intervened very, very rarely on behalf of my kids (probably less than 5 times). With my eldest, she had an issue with a dance teacher that was way, way beyond having a tough class or a single bad day so I made an appt. with the teacher to talk. Turns out it was a complete misunderstanding and it was the only time I did something like that in the 5 years she attended the pretty-serious school. My youngest was a real frequent-flier in the principal’s office in elementary school, and I generally agreed with the discipline plan or plans, but there was at least one time where I pushed back because the allegedly-by-the-book response was completely out of proportion to what happened.
What I have done way more often (and the school encourages this as well) is help my kid draft emails to sort out problems. Or role-play if they want to talk to a teacher or principal about something in particular.
Anon
The millennial parents I know encourage a fair amount of risk taking and independence in real life, but supervise their kids on the internet much more (in some cases they’ve said this is because they are horrified looking back at what and who they encountered online with zero awareness from their own parents).
Elder Millennial
As an elder millennial parent, this is exactly how I think. I think back to unsupervised AOL chatrooms at sleepovers in high school…yikes! I also want to reduce how much my kids rely on external validation, but that’s probably more of a me thing than generational. I encourage them that feelings are ok, but you are in control of your behavior. My family has a lot of mental health and substance use disorder issues, and dealing with feelings (esp negative) was not talked about in my house growing up. At the same time, I appreciate the comment above that each generation of parents has their own challenges, doubts, and mistakes made. You live and you learn. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. I need that shirt~”trying my best” lol
Anon
My thing is that I won’t fight my kids’ battles for them, but I’ll be a sounding board. So, if they’re having trouble with a friend I”m not going to call the friend’s mom or the school to complain about it (how horrifying), but I’ll talk with my kid about ways to approach the issue or give advice or just listen. But, I know moms who would intervene and call the school or something but I feel strongly that kids need to figure out how to handle these interpersonal things on their own.
Obviously, if its a real safety issue I’ll get involved and I have no tolerance for actual bullying (not being friends with everyone is not bullying, one off mean comments are not bullying, friend spats are not bullying) and have no issues reporting real bullying. But, I’m not getting involved on interpersonal matters beyond talking with my own kid.
Anon
I am a Millennial parent to a young kid and the other parents in my cohort are fairly strict about many aspects, such as screen time (only a certain number of minutes per day during certain times of the day, on certain days, etc). They also seem to closely regulate food (lunch can have one crunchy item, one sweet item, must have one fruit, one vegetable, etc). We don’t regulate these things nearly as much which makes us an outlier.
Anon
I don’t know, but with ‘gentle parenting’ and ‘snowplow’ parents, I think things are only going to be worse.
Anon
I don’t know, but with ‘gentle parenting’ and ‘snowplow’ parents, I think things are only going to be worse.
anon
I’m a millennial parent doing my best to give my kids age-appropriate independence. I think it’d be a lot easier for parents to give kids independence if there wasn’t so much judgment of parents, especially mothers.
It doesn’t take many unkind comments from a neighbor or stranger to make a parent hesitant to let their kids have independence. Like, I think it’s perfectly safe to let my kids walk a few blocks on their own to go buy ice cream in my town (a very walkable, low-crime community), but the risk calculation is different if I think someone is going to call the authorities and we’re going to be subject to involvement in the system. Doesn’t matter if I have confidence we’d be cleared in an investigation, an investigation would be majorly upsetting.
Also, if people would vote for candidates who support more pedestrian-friendly infrastructure and also personally drive more safely (not speed, look where they’re driving, stop at stop signs), that’d go a long way in helping give parents confidence to allow kids even wider range to explore.
Anon
Yep, this. I completely trust my 6 year old to walk around our safe, suburban neighborhood with friends. But I don’t trust other parents not to call CPS on them, so they don’t do it. No one wants to risk a CPS investigation.
H13
Looking for a fun, small rug to go in front of the sink. Currently on a rag rug on its last legs but have always appreciated how easy it is to wash and dry. We have a ruggable in our non-primary entry and it is fine but hasn’t wowed me and I’ve actually never washed it.
Any recs or resources to check out?
Anonymous
Etsy. I found a rag rug from a small artist there.
Anonymous
Could you share a link to their shop?
Anonymous
Sorry, order was in my old work email. You can search for handmade rag rug to filter out the more commercial vendors.
anon
I have and indoor/outdoor rug in my kitchen. I love that I can just hose it out.
Anonymous
you don’t want one of the cushy mats that are everywhere? they’re so much better for my feet.
Anon
I’m not OP but I had one of those. I found it a tripping hazard and was glad when it finally wore out and enough, which didn’t take long, to not feel bad about throwing it out. They’re really thick and easy to get your foot caught on the edge. I wouldn’t buy one again.
Anon
I’ve literally never had this problem with mine, but it does have a tapered edge.
Anon
I guess I can trip over anything because mine had a tapered edge. I did fully fall down a couple of times, and it went into the trash the second time.
Runcible Spoon
If your budget and decor permit, why not consider an antique oriental rug? They are usually bullet-proof, as they have survived this long, and can be vacuumed and cleaned professionally once a year. they are usually made out of wool, so can absorb water splashes.
Anon
Good news/bad news on a Friday; I’m really proud of myself because I advocated for a title change to better reflect my responsibilities and experience and HR FINALLY approved it and it’s official. Unfortunately they refused to give me a raise to match. So thanks I guess?
NYNY
Update your resume and linkedin with that new title and start looking. Your company has shown you how much they value you, and it isn’t enough.
OP
Yes that’s my plan.
ABanon
Congrats! Now it’s time to put that new title on your resume & see if there’s interest :)
Blundstone alternatives?
Any slip on style casual boots you like similar to Blundstone? They don’t fit me quite right – too wide. Thanks.
Anon
https://www.reddit.com/r/BlundstoneBoots/comments/1f7rozg/blundstone_boots_are_too_wide_for_my_feet_other/
anon.
That’s really funny – I don’t check Reddit. Thanks.
Anon
I had happened to be on the Blundstone subreddit anyways today, and saw this and was like oh – what are the odds someone else is asking the same question?
Anon
I love my Hush Puppies. Amelia, I think? They come in regular and wide; I have normal width feet but like the wide so I can wear cozy thick socks in winter without things being too snug. If you need something more narrow the regular width would probably be better.
Shopping help
I need some shopping help. I won an award/recognition and will have a profile published in a business magazine/online. I’m an attorney. Tall/curvy/size 14. There is a professional photo shoot and the background will be purple. I need to dress somewhat professional. What do I wear? I have a light gray and a black court suit. Both seem too harsh. I was thinking a colorful blazer (which one?) and black wide leg pants? Or something else? Dress? I also kind of like the “Waist Seam Fluid Blazer” in the dark sea color from White House Black Market. Is it too much to get the matching pants too? My budget is under $400 for all pieces. Would appreciate any specific item recommendations! Thanks.
Anonymous
congratulations! are you sure it’ll be a full body photo? if it’s possibly just face i’d consider your coloring as well as a collared blazer or blouse with a crisp collar, i always feel like that looks the most professional.
i always think navy is the most flattering.
Anonymous
What kind of purple, and what’s your coloring? What looks good on you? Is the purple warm or cool? Bright or soft? Does the purple flatter you, or do you need to add a flattering color?
I think camel and deep caramel colors will stand out with a deep and warm purple. Grass green and softer warm greens will also stand out.
OP
All it says is “dark purple.” I haven’t seen the background. I am very fair and have dark hair/blue eyes. Supposedly a true winter. I like navy and purples but feel like that would blend in. It will be full length. So maybe I should go for that green suit then?
Anonymous
If you’re a true winter, your grey suit will probably be lovely. Something ice blue, steel blue grey or even white would be great. Don’t do black or navy. With your coloring, something contrasting and light will be striking and powerful.
Runcible Spoon
You might like to heck out similar photos online (and past photos in the business magazine/online itself) to make a note of what seems to work and what doesn’t, and then apply your observations to your photo session. Others have done this before, so there’s no need to reinvent the wheel or try to create something you’ve never done before out of whole cloth without any background context. Good luck!
Runcible Spoon
*check out
Anon
I’m leaving on Monday for a month-long work trip, but unfortunately I won’t be in an extended stay. I don’t travel for work a ton, and when I do its usually just 2-3 nights at a time, so I’m brainstorming what I should pack that I wouldn’t normally pack. I’ll be driving, so don’t have to worry about airline baggage regs.
For example, it just occurred to me: I’ll want to eat a few meals in my hotel room so I should bring silverware (since it’s not an extended stay, there won’t be any in the room). Since I’ll be doing laundry, I’m going to bring a foldable hamper so I can a) store my dirty clothes and b) transport them to the hotel laundry room. Then, I was thinking that I’ll need detergent and probably quarters for the machines.
FWIW, I’ll be in a Hampton Inn so will have a mini fridge and microwave.
Anon
I would think about it like a week at a beach house where you also have to work. So yes to slippers (if you wear them), your own pillow/sheets if you’re particular, a hamper/collapsible laundry basket, laundry pods, collapsible drying rack or hangers with clips for delicates, water bottles, small thing of dishsoap/sponge. Why not call the front desk and see if the machines use cards or quaters?
I’d probably go with disposable bamboo utensils/plates so I’m not dealing with a huge amount of washing up in a hotel bathroom sink but that’s your call. I’d also make a stop at a local Target/Walmart for shelf stable snacks and things like pre-prepped fruit/veggies.
Anon
Dishsoap, dishcloth, kitchen towel?
Anon
Oh man, a month in a hotel sounds hard. I would want my own pillow, slippers, throw blanket/robe/lounge clothes for being cozy and relaxing. My own nice toiletries, blow dryer, and a good makeup mirror with lighting. Hotel tissues are always so cheap and rough so I’d bring my own Kleenex because I’m weird like that. If you bring dishes, bring dish soap and a sponge.
anon for this
Anywhere you get food should have disposable silverware – I wouldn’t bring my own for this. If I were going for a full month I would consider bringing a throw blanket and/or my own pillow (but make sure you mark it in a way that housekeeping won’t take it). A small candle to scent the room, if you’re into that. Slippers, maybe a bathrobe.
Anon
I’m thinking more for making microwave oatmeal or having a yogurt in my hotel room, rather than ordering out. I imagine hotel breakfast will get old after a while!
Anon
This sounds silly, but in the past when I’ve had to live in a hotel for a while, I found it nice to have a vase (but a mason jar would probably work too) to keep a bouquet of grocery store flowers in the room. Made the room seem less gloomy. The one perk, is that the hotel will be doing your towels and bed linens so your overall laundry needs will go down a lot. Good luck!
Anonymous
Not silly at all. I always get flowers when I have to be in a hotel room for a long time.
go for it
your own pillow/blanket
peanut butter & jelly
any otc meds you might want- no going to find the nearest cvs or whatever
Anon
A basic first aid kit might be good, too.
shanananana
Get to your town, find the closest thrift store, buy those kind of essentials then drop them back off as a donation at the end of the month. low travel needs, low waste, win win.
Anon
Definitely do some food shopping while you’re there. The hamper sounds like a good idea. Slippers for the room, your regular slippers from home, sound like a good idea. I always wish I had a robe for after the shower in a hotel so I’d do that too.
Your own toiletries unless you really like the Hampton Inn stuff. Hotel rooms don’t always supply lotion, and when they do it’s not usually enough, so a big tub or bottle of my favorite would be a priority for dry-skinned me.
I traveled a ton for 4 years, like 75%, but didn’t usually stay over weekends. I found weekends pretty boring, so since you’ll have a car, I think I would look for local things to do to get you out of the hotel room on the weekends.
You’re not driving home on any weekends, then? Since you’re to the trip, are you really stuck there for the whole month?
Anon
Yeah – I’m anticipating needing to work some, if not all, of the weekends. And, it’s a 7 hour drive away.
Luckily I love to hike and will be in an area known for its hiking
Anon
Yeah, I flew 6 hours home most weekends but I suppose flying time is passive compared to driving. I mostly watched movies. I am not a great airplane sleeper.
Anon
Thanks! I already stocked up on snacks, with a plan to grab some perishables when I get there (fruit, yogurt, charcuterie and cheese for girl dinner).
I was gonna bring a plate, bowl, mug, and utensils.
Also, all of my toiletries (I usually pare it down when I’m only gone for a few nights), first aid kit, my pillow, and a robe.
I’ll definitely be adding a throw blanket, slippers, laundry soap, and dish cleaning supplies!
Anon
Tip from my husband who is a pillow-bringer. Put your personal pillow in a non-white pillowcase so the maids don’t think it’s theirs.
Anon
If you have coworkers you like going on the trip, maybe a deck of cards or a benign card game? You can play in the lobby as a neutral, public space.
Anon
My kindle never connects to wifi networks where you need to login or verify something on a browser (so all hotel networks), so stock up on ebooks before you go!
Anon
Can’t you use your smart phone as a hotspot?
My kindle can handle a password but not the next screen where it says “join Marriott Bonvoy” and you have to enter your room number.
Anon
Yeah, my kindle is the same way – wifi network passwords are fine but nothing beyond that
Anon
Okay, so I have a job where I am gone for 1-3 months at a time, 1-2x a year. I actually used to do this internationally, but now I usually drive which is nice, so I can pack a lot more. While I’m usually in an extended stay in a small town where I can get most of what I need easily, I also have done this in regular hotel rooms (of varying quality… I did 2 months in an Econolodge once) and have done it in really rural areas where it’s harder to get stuff.
So, not being in an extended stay, you’re right that you’re going to need kitchen stuff. I’d recommend a microwave safe plate, bowl, and a tupperwear with lid. You’ll also need utensils, and you may want a sharper knife like a paring knife too. I always travel with a water bottle and a travel mug, but for long trips I also like bringing a ceramic mug – it’s just a comfort thing for me. You may want a cup too, but I don’t usually bother.
Depending on the food options near you, you may want to bring a kitchen appliance. Eating out gets old fast, especially in areas with limited options. I know people who have brought instant pots, air fryers, blenders, or electric grills (like a George Forman) with them so they could do some cooking. Extended stays usually have ones you can borrow, but a regular hotel probably won’t. Obviously you’ll want to bring snacks, but I also recommend bringing some stuff you can turn into easy, healthyish meals even with just a microwave and a fridge. Examples could be: yogurt, oatmeal + fruit, or egg bites for breakfast, and things like frozen meals, ramen, soup, bagged salad, deli meat + bread, rotisserie chicken, a veggie tray, steam in bag veggies, bone broth, microwave pouches of lentils or dal, things like that. Microwave cooking certainly isn’t my favorite, but you can actually do a lot with just a microwave! If you Google you’ll see a lot of options.
On shorter work trips, I bring just the essentials, so I pare down my wardrobe to just things I know I will wear, I don’t bring my whole skincare routine, and I skip most entertainment since its less than a week. I wouldn’t do that for this. Sure, you could wear the same 2 pairs of work pants and 4 blouses and rotate but you may not want to for a month. I always bring things like a cozy sweatshirt in addition for hanging around the hotel, a bathing suit for the hotel pool (a more modest one, so if I run into coworkers), workout clothes, lounge clothes (not my PJs, but something I will hang out int he hotel room with or run down to the lobby or on a quick errand in) in addition to my work clothes, PJs, and non-work clothes (like jeans and a top for grabbing dinner). Also, things you probably aren’t thinking about but would be nice to have: a raincoat and umbrella, a baseball cap, more shoe options (work shoes, casual shoes, workout shoes).
For things that are cozy or feel like home: I always bring my own pillow (in a distinctive pillow case!), a throw blanket, and rubber slides (I prefer these to slippers – I can wear them outside, to the pool, in the lobby without it looking like I’m wearing slippers. I wear them with socks if I’m chilly). I like to bring my hobbies with me too – a knitting project, paint by numbers, books / a kindle, a journal, whatever it is you like. As mentioned above, I pack my whole skincare and makeup routine, but also a few facemarks, nail polish, and nail polish remover. If you’re picky about coffee or tea, bring your own. You could do a collapsable kettle + pour over or aero press.
For practical things: a first aid kit (plus ibuprofen, melatonin, allergy meds, and tums). Basic cleaning supplies (a sponge cut in half, a travel container of dish soap, a travel container of laundry detergent, a laundry bag or foldable hamper, and a stain stick). Vitamins (since my diet can get weird). I once brought a travel size humidifier with me when the air was really dry. I would spend this weekend thinking about the things you’re using at home, and think about what you’d want and then brainstorm the best ways to bring them with you.
Runcible Spoon
Great suggestions so far! May I add, consider bringing a Dash egg cooker. It’s nice to have hard boiled eggs for breakfast, snacks, or to slice into a bagged salad meal. And a couple of books — you’ll be freed up from a lot of chores, and the TV and laptop will get old. Nice opportunity to catch up on some reading. Finally, a travel neck pillow can be helpful when trying to get comfortable on hotel armchairs. And remember that you don’t need to have the chambermaid clean your room every day — it’s not like you vacuum, change sheets, and clean your bathroom at home every single day!
Anonymous
For laundry I use a big reusable shopping tote, and my own pods. I bring a travel clothes line for hand washing and hanging dry items. Extra hangers.
Kitchen: mug, spork, microwavable bowl and small plate. Paring knife and small cutting board, small grater, tupperware and ziplock bags.
I bring face cloths, nice hand soap, dish soap, a few dish towels for washing and small table cloth. Kleenex and cotton buds.
I buy a small plant, but cut flowers would be good, too.
Small bluetooth speaker, books and crafts.
Own pillow. Flip flops.
Anon
Is there a cool-season equivalent to white canvas sneakers, that is not a Chelsea boot? I work with a bunch of finance bro types in a smart casual office and want something more current for my feet this fall.
Anon
Penny loafers (or loafers in general), Smoking slippers, or slightly sleeker versions of combat boots are all popular in my office.
Anonymous
Black sneakers
Anon
+1
Anon
White leather sneakers
Shelle
The Adidas Sambas are back in style and I see a bunch of cute colors
Anon
The whole replies being replaced by the comments they’re trying to reply to thing is getting really old.
Anon
Here’s how to tag Kat – use the letters “P L I T K” but without the spaces. Your comment will go into moderation. I’ve had good success with this.
Anonymous
I’m seeking the advice of internet strangers on a job offer I am hesitating to accept. The short summary is that this job fell into my lap through network connects, I wasn’t looking but now I’m torn between staying and leaving.
I’m a private practice lawyer, 6 year associate, midsize firm and pretty average comp for my firm size, geographical location, practice area (think 150-170K). My firm allows partnership applications starting at the end of 7th year, but its not necessarily an “up-or-out” type of firm. The partner I work most closely with was an associate for more like 15 years before advancing to partner. My colleagues are excellent, the work is generally interesting and I feel well supported and respected by the firm in general.
The opportunity is in-house counsel for a large region (think like operations in 3 states). The pay would technically be a raise from my current salary, but there’s little to no bonus and only a vague profit-sharing structure. Based on my interviews, I think the work is likely to be equivalent in hours and stress. In addition, the office is a 30-40 minute commute on busy freeways and there is a travel component (think 1-2 weeks a month). I have a young child and my partner’s job is not exactly flexible. It seems like a bad idea on paper.
AND YET! I have often thought that I would make an exit from private practice around 7-8 years for in-house. The work seems really interesting and related to my current practice. There’s opportunity to grow (though it likely would involve a move). I am still uncertain if I want to become a partner.
I think there’s a chance to negotiate on comp, but I feel very torn on the decision. A certain part of me wants to be gunning for jet-setting GC, but then the other part is extremely satisfied with my current way of life. Does anyone have some clarifying experiences or advice? Should I take a shot at the unknown? Or keep going on my current comfortable path?
anon
You don’t sound excited about this job, but you sound curious about finding a new job. So, let this be the nudge you need to go find something that’s a better fit.
SC
I think 1-2 weeks of travel per month, with a young child at home and a husband with an inflexible job, is a deal-breaker unless there’s a substantial amount of money on the table. If you’re really gone 25-50% of the time, that’s a huge change for your family and will require a lot of backup care, which is always expensive and often stressful.
I agree that this should be a nudge to looking for a new job that’s a better fit.
Anonymous
There is no way I’d be up for 60-80 minutes a day on busy freeways along with being gone 1-2 weeks a month, while I have a young child.
I wouldn’t frame this as “shot at the unknown” vs. “keep going on current comfortable path.” That has a lot of disparagement for your current situation built into it. I’d frame it as “I currently have a job that works for me in so many ways. I’ve now seen a different set of job parameters that I could have. Are those parameters going to lead me into living the kind of life I want? If not, what would?”
From what you wrote, it sounds like you value:
jet-setting
interesting work
growth
good colleagues
supportive work environment
clearly identified compensation
From what you wrote, I can’t tell how strongly you value:
short commute vs. long commute
home life vs. travel life
staying in your current community vs. moving to a different city
Runcible Spoon
Make partner and then look around seriously. Your child will be older so in a different place for travel and child care considerations. And the value of being able to list the title “partner” as a credential will be valuable for the rest of your career.