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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Tie-Neck Top

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A woman wearing a white and red long sleeve tie-neck polo top and dark denim pants with red belt

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I saw this printed blouse from J.Crew “in the wild” the other day and knew I had to grab it. My friend paired it with a navy blazer, and the combination of colors looked so crisp and cheerful, but still seasonal.

These tie-neck blouses had a moment several years ago, but I’m delighted to see lots of them coming back. Four years ago, I would have purchased this as a “Zoom top,” but now that I’m back in the office most days, I’ll be happy to show it off in person. 

The top is $118-$128 at J.Crew and comes in sizes 00-24. It also comes in candy apple and black. 

Sales of note for 2/7/25:

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
  • J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+

291 Comments

  1. Thank you to everyone who posted on my sad update on Monday. I appreciate the good will of you all so much, and my heart goes out to others who have had a similar experience. Emotionally this has taken me right back to where I was earlier in the year, but with a horrible finality. My real life support system has swung into action, and I am trying to do the right things. x

        1. I love that you added this as well. Very true.
          There are certain posters who have provided regular updates (you, the woman who filed bankruptcy) whose stories I have become invested in and who I really want to see succeed in the long term, acknowledging day-to-day setbacks will always happen. Post about either or both. I think this community is behind you!

  2. If any of you is a POA holder for an older person, where they have to deal with RMDs from 401Ks, income taxes and withholdings, etc., please give me your record-keeping and organizational tips. My elder is mentally there, but wasn’t the person in the couple who managed finances and paperwork, and doesn’t live with me (but is in assisted living in my city). All mail other than social mail from friends comes to me. Elder was paper-only for financial mailings, which has been very helpful in this transition. Trying to move things to online bill pay and direct deposit (but it seems that many 401Ks roll-over RMDs but we are needing to change that to maintain liquidity, pay for assisted living, and have funds to pay taxes on the RMDs with (which is a PROCESS with all funds — the POA is never sufficient and I try to have my elder have to deal with signing, notaries, medallion guarantees only once a month because it is stressful to add outside trips and the medallion guarantee requires a trip whereas you can often get a mobile notary)).

    1. This situation sounds unnecessarily complicated to me. Needing a medallion once a month would send me. Since it sounds like your elder has significant assets, you could really benefit from hiring an accountant/wealth advisor to advise for a fee on how to simplify what all you’re dealing with. Call your local office of the aging and ask if they have a recommendation for a financial advisor.

      Or you could get just poorer relatives ;) My mom only has a modest pension and SS – plenty easy to keep her finances organized ha!

      1. Ha — not wealthy. More like lots of accounts with 20K each in them, all at various funds, why? WHY? How many 500 index funds does one need? That’s not what diversification is! My new goal: one fund family; one bank; as few accounts as I can get away with. My own house is NOT in order on this front, but a fire has been lit beneath me.

        1. This is hard. I think you should just slowly continue what you are doing. Roll things over / simplify accounts / get everything over to Fidelity for example. Fidelity also has good customer service that can often make a lot of this stuff easy and sometimes do things for you. Set as many safe things as you can on auto-pay.

          I do agree that sometimes throwing a little $ at this by having an accountant or financial planner (certified, fee-only) may help you get organized. Perhaps meet with a local elder care attorney for an hour or two and get their recommendations on folks to partner with to make your life easier. It can be very difficult to find reliable financial people who are good to assist on your own.

          But it also really, really sucks. If you are posting just to vent, like I would have done when I was doing this, vent away….. Just remember it doesn’t need to all happen in a day, or week, or month… and hopefully a year from now things will be smoother. But I strongly recommend using some of your parent’s money to hire professionals to help you. It is not worth the $ saved to make your life so miserable.

    2. I do regular bill management for elderly people, and your situation sounds needlessly complicated. I’d start to consolidate the accounts if at all possible, as suggested. You shouldn’t need notaries or medallions for what you’re trying to do. Try to find someone to help (I’m in Los Angeles).

      1. What is your job? I ask as a single middle aged woman with no kids, who is planning a retirement alone, and finding someone to help with finances when I can no longer do it myself is a big concern.

  3. I want a real leather jacket. I do not ride motorcycles. I prefer a fit that could last several years if not decades. Not a blazer fit. Prefer “cropped” compared to the longer length that seems trendy now. Any brand recommendations?

    2. I found a fitted leather jacket for $50 on Poshmark six or seven years ago that has held up beautifully, I always get compliments on, and the leather is buttery soft. It’s Michael Kors, which I normally don’t buy from, but this jacket has been perfection.

      1. I also have a michael kors leather jacket (a brand I also don’t normally buy) from nordstrom rack and I love that thing.

    3. I just saw a really nice looking one from Walter Baker at Saks Off 5th. Soft leather, seemed well made, i was tempted even though i am not a leather jacket person.

      2. Do you have an AllSaints one? I was eyeing one on Poshmark, but not sure about the sizing. Would you describe it as close fitting?

        1. I have the Allsaints Dalby. The cut is fitted and the sizing runs small. I went up a size and it is nicely fitted.

          I also have the washed leather moto jacket from Madewell, which is lighter in weight and more casual. TTS and also nicely fitted.

        2. Runs 1 to 2 sizes small depending on how want it to fit (fitted vs slightly loose) and how broad your shoulders are.

        3. I have the Allsaints Cargo.
          They run small and I sized up.

          I used the measurements given on Ebay for different sizes to choose.

        4. I co-sign AllSaints. I have the Balfern. Do size up. I’m typically a 4 or 6 in mall brand blouses, ordered a 6 and 8 to try, and kept the 8.

      3. I *LOVE* my all saints leather jacket. I had to try it on in store and size up though — I normally wear XS/0 in jackets and tops, but I got the 4 and in retrospect probably should have gotten a 6.

      4. I have two Allsaints Dalby jackets, one in black and the other in dark navy. They’re probably my favorite jackets ever. Good quality leather, not too much hardware, and just the right slightly cropped length. Perfection.

    5. Expensive, but I got an IRO leather jacket 15 years ago (with my first paycheck from my summer job…) and I have worn it so much and it still looks amazing and I get compliments on it all the time. In terms of cost per wear it has really paid off.

        1. Yes, I find that brand runs TTS. This particular jacket is cut small, cropped and narrow, which makes it perfect IMHO, but keep in mind depending on how you want it to fit.

    8. I have a leather jacket from Vince that is probably 10 years old that I still love. I am not sure what their selection is like today, but it is worth checking.

  4. What’s the healthy equivalent of a frozen pizza? Something for those nights when you’re feeling lazy and don’t feel like cooking but also don’t want to spend the money on take out.

    1. For one person or multiple? If it’s just me, I like pretty much all of the amy’s frozen bowls. For the family, I keep a bag of frozen falafel in the freezer and do those when we’re feeling lazy.

    2. Grocery store. Visit their deli to find out what take and go foods that have ready and available. I have a couple of local grocery stores that have a very good selection. If you want something for the freezer, browse the prepared foods section of a local market, local deli, or good grocery store to find out what looks good to you.

      2. hahaha I appreciate the sentiment but one can only eat so many frozen pizzas/week

    5. I buy Trader Joe’s frozen kimbap rolls. Two minutes in the microwave, dip in soy sauce. Fast, takes up less space and is cheaper than most frozen pizzas.

      1. To continue with the TJ’s recommendations , I keep these in the freezer just for this purpose: any of the Indian entrees, the Green Chile Chicken bowl, and the fried rice pack. If you like fried rice and have a favorite restaurant to get it from, buy a couple of orders and freeze it yourself in serving sizes.

    6. For me it would be veggies and hummus, or bread, cheese and a piece of fruit. Not a perfect equivalent because not as shelf stable as frozen, but zero effort.

    7. I have Amy’s frozen burritos in my freezer. Not perfect but pretty healthy, tasty and easy to reheat. I add cucumbers and carrots and call it a day.

    8. All these people saying to just eat the pizza imply that she actually wants the pizza, rather than a quick easy meal (and frozen pizza isn’t even that good). I’d rather eat a frozen meal from Trader Joe’s, like one of the Indian ones, falafel, veggie gyoza, or beefless bulgogi. I add extra veggies to some of those, or you could have a salad from a bag. Or I just have a toasted pb&j with good whole wheat bread and some fruit and even that is usually more satisfying than a crappy frozen pizza.

      1. +1 – the pizza seemed like just an example of an easy convenience food dinner, not something to be substituted for

      2. Thank you, yes! I don’t actually like pizza that much. TJs is a good place to start.

    9. I keep Trader Joe’s frozen meals on hand. Also cauliflower crust frozen pizza is actually delicious, especially the garlic chicken variety.

    10. Personally, I like TJ frozen veggie dumplings for this. Or some kind soup. You can cook the dumplings in broth and combine the two (just pick smaller dumplings), or, if you want the pizza-like flavor profile, get tomato soup.
      Plenty of good frozen and shelf stable versions.

      You can also do a healthier pizza. I generally keep a can of Rao’s pizza sauce and some mozzarella on hand at all times and use it to top everything from frozen cauliflower pizza crust to whole wheat naan or English muffins, as needed, to improvise my own bobolli pizza experience (familiar to 90s children everywhere, or at least everywhere on the the East coast).

    11. I keep a few Amy’s frozen bowls stocked in our freezer for this purpose. Kashi and Trader Joes also have good freezer meal offerings. If I’m willing to put in more effort, I have also topped a frozen pizza with seeds and chopped veggies and added frozen veggies to boxed pasta meals.

    12. I usually make the NYT dumpling salad with frozen dumplings and subbing in whatever veggies I have on hand; fried rice (cook rice in ricer cooker / steam bag of mixed veggies / fry in butter with egg for a minute or two);scrambled eggs with whatever veggies I have and toast. I also try to freeze a portion of leftovers once a week so I have a selection for a quick meal (involves cooking a larger portion on the nights you do cook).

    13. Oatmeal and eggs. Grilled cheese. Trader Joe’s or Whole Foods stir fried riced cauliflower + add scrambled egg to it.

      1. Yep, breakfast foods are my go-to when I need an easy meal that isn’t junk food. That, or an apple with PB and some cheese.

    14. Trader Joe’s gyoza.

      Or, last week I heated up some TJ’s vegetable fried rice and added an egg and soy sauce. It took very little effort and was quite delicious.

    15. Caprese salad – 1 min prep
      The baked feta cheese and tomato pasta thing – 2 min prep
      Microwave baked potato with a can of tuna 1 min prep
      Bowl of cottage cheese and olives – 1 min prep

    16. Trader Joe’s frozen meal + bagged salad. I like the macaroni and cheese, but that may not meet your definition of healthy. If you want something less processed than a frozen meal, the TJ’s spatchcocked chicken is incredible. All you have to do is open the package, put the chicken in a pan, and stick the pan in the oven.

      1. I like boxed Mac and cheese to which I add frozen peas, broccoli or cauliflower. If you cut broccoli or cauliflower into mini florets, you can cook it in the same pot with the noodles. If you are willing to do slightly more effort, fry up a bit of onion while the noodles cook.

    17. In the winter I like a filling soup, crackers and cheese. Amy’s soups and chilies are my go-to. I also like TJ gyoza and Tasty Bites easy Indian dishes.

    18. I get the chicken tikka masala burritos from the frozen food aisle and pair it with the fage 5% plain Greek yogurt. It’s about 30 grams of protein and does the trick.

        1. Sukhi’s Street Wraps. I get them at Wegmans, where they aren’t always placed with the burritos (sometimes they are in an entirely different part of the frozen food aisle.)

      2. I do this Greek whole milk yogurt side with lots of my Indian style food. It’s such a good combo. I almost never bother to actually make it into an official Raita, and just eat it as plain yogurt. Some sliced mini cucumbers on the side gives me a veggie and they pair well with the yogurt.

      1. +1

        I like the Barilla protein pasta. The other night, we had it with good jarred pasta sauce, steamed broccoli and chopped artichoke hearts; it was fast, just a few minutes to heat it all up after the pasta cooked. Also good for a leftovers lunch.

        1. Also, a super-fast meal is canned beans over rice. I get seasoned black beans from Kroger’s organic line; TJ’s also has Cuban black beans. Put them on rice from a pouch or the freezer and it’s ready in three minutes. You can top the dish with tomatoes, avocado, salsa, whatever you like. (The same also works great on top of roasted potatoes or air-fryer tater tots.)

    20. This always happens to me. I keep burritos and yogurt on hand as I mentioned in another comment. But! A favorite thing to do on nights I like to cook is to do a chili mac w double the meat and cheese and live off of that for a few days. Then I’ll repeat the next week w a tuna salad pasta or something. I just give into the same meal for days in a row. I like frozen pizza too, and will sometimes doctor it up with extra cheese and pepperoni, drizzled with a nicer olive oil for some extra healthy fats.

    21. Trader joes premade salads, topped with either canned seafood (tuna, oysters, trout) or precooked sous vide meats (chicken, turkey). Super easy and feels healthy.

      1. just in case anyone missed the recall news, several of the TJs premade salads are on a listeria recall list. (They should be fine going forward, but check if you have any in your fridge)

        3. I’ve never trusted the bagged vegetables, lettuce and fruit because of listeria. I always used to be worried sick about my grandma because she insisted on pre-cut cantaloupe even when it was a period of time when there were lots of recalls. I’ve been side-eying listeria prone foods for a long long time.

          I’ve accepted that no food is 100% safe, but ick. It’s always something.

          1. It’s a lot easier to deregulate than re-regulate and in the USA, enforcement is lax right now.

    22. Some sort of a cheese platter–cheese, crackers, fancy nuts, dried apricots, grapes, maybe some veggies and dip.

    23. Frozen Indian meals hit the spot for me. They have interesting spices and make my palate feel both satiated and refreshed. Saffron Road, Sukhi’s, and Deep Indian Kitchen are reliable grocery store brands. Butter chicken with rice is always great, but I like to use Indian food as a delicious way to eat more vegetarian meals, so chana masala and something like mattar paneer (Amy’s makes one) are reliable options for that.

      1. If I am looking for something really quick, I get a good baguette and have it with cheese and some veggies. Or I make eggs with shredded cheese and a ton of frozen spinach, and a piece of toast.

    24. Maybe a homemade “protein box” or nibble tray (aka “girl dinner”)–some deli meats or cured meats, some cheese cubes, some hummus, some raw veg, maybe some jams, and a few slices of bread. It’s not *the* single healthiest thing in the world but it’s easy and visually appealing. Also maybe the less-calorific sushi rolls might be a good “one and done” meal.

    25. Mine is premade bagged ceasar salad with frozen grilled chicken, add an avocado. I forget which brand of frozen chicken i buy, but it’s one of the diced grilled chickens and surprisingly good.

    26. I work and go to grad school. I live off of meals like this!

      I like Red’s burritos from Costco because they’re flash frozen without preservatives. I also like Amy’s burritos.

      I love oatmeal with collage powder and frozen fruit. Or, a smoothie (frozen fruit and veg, milk, protein powder, chia seeds).

      Sandwiches or bagged salads. Pasta with fridge shrimp and veggies.

      Soups or casseroles that I make and freeze.

      A variety of healthier frozen meals. Like, things that include veggies. Or things with less preservatives.

    27. Breakfast for dinner! You can keep some hard boiled eggs in the fridge, or quickly cook scrambled eggs with a small amount of feta crumbled in (plus some dill, if available). Or cornflakes with milk and sliced bananas. Or a fruit smoothie with milk. Or plain greek yogurt with sliced strawberries, sliced bananas, blueberries or blackberries. Or toast with some shredded cheese on top and then re-toasted in the toaster oven to melt and brown the cheese. Add sliced tomatoes or a handful of grape tomatoes and a piece of fruit, et voila! Fast dinner! Enjoy!

  5. Seeking tips please:

    Going to Portugal in November. 4 days in Porto, 3 days in Lisbon. So far in Porto ideas are hiking, the tile museum, sunset cruise. All recommendations welcome.

    1. In Porto you must take a day trip to the Douro Valley and visit some wineries. It’s worth it for the views alone. If you’re into fine dining, DOC (chef rui Paula) is worth a visit. You can also go on a port wine tour in Porto.

      1. There are also some very quaint walled villages (eg Obidos) between Porto and Lisbon that are good for a day trip.

      1. Learn from my mistake! If you’re going to Sintra, pre-book your entrance so you aren’t stuck waiting in queues. They limit capacity and we had to wait four (!) hours for our entrance time.

        1. Preach! And I suggest getting the earliest timeslot you can because they get way backed up. We ended up waiting 90 min after our time slot mid-day.

    3. honestly the world of wine museum in porto was a surprise hit with our group that ranged from somm level knowledge to I like reds. A great choice if you have a cruddy day. I was in Portugal (Lisbon, Sintra, an overnight stop in Costa Nova, then Porto) two years ago for 10 days and am itching to go back! Also there are several excellent bookstores in Porto worth visiting. Both Lisbon and Porto were honestly nice to just walk around.

      In Lisbon, had an amazing dinner at Prado and highly recommend having a drink at Pavilhao Chines just to take in all the collections there. Porto we had a great meal at elemento but did a lot more wandering and finding things there.

    5. So much to do! Around Lisbon, we loved our day trip to Sintra, especially the Moorish Castle. Tile museum is a must.

      Closer to Porto, echoing the Douro Valley winery suggestion. Best wine I’ve ever had for 3€. Had a great walking tour of the old city. Also did a day trip by train to Guimarães which felt very bucolic but also like a real place with a cable car up the mountain.

  6. Can anyone talk about Sézane shoes? Any sizing tips or anything like do they run narrow like European brands often do? Some of the “babies” styles are calling to me.

    1. I’ve heard mixed reports on shoe quality, mostly on the Sezane Reddit page. I ended up buying the Kina style from Carel instead and looooove them. I’m usually a size 8 or 8.5 and the front of my foot is wide, I went with a size 39 and they feel great.

    2. I have average width, size 7.5 feet and I’ve never been able to get Sezane shoes to fit. They seem too wide with short toe boxes. It’s the only brand that I’ve ever had an issue with. So weird.

  7. Talk to me about meditation for beginners. How do you start? I’ve read about the benefits for the brain and would love to give it a try. Any favorite apps or websites? How did you get into it and make it a regular habit? A meditation retreat is likely not possible for me right now, so need some DIY options.

    1. Calm app. Start with the daily calm 10 minute meditations. Know that there is no perfect meditation and you will have thoughts that come and that’s okay! You can learn to recognize them and basically say, not right now, and refocus on the meditation. They also have guided meditations if you want someone to talk you through it vs sit in mostly silence.

      You can also check out Dan Harris’s 10% Happier Podcast. I think he just stopped recording but there should be a back catalog.

      1. To make it a regular habit, I do it when I sit down at my desk before I actually log in to my computer. But also don’t get frustrated if you aren’t consistent. That’s okay too! We are all human and again, there is no perfect meditation.

      2. I also like the Calm app (which I get free through my insurance, Kaiser, and I know a lot of companies offer free memberships as well).

        I am NOT very woo-friendly but really like the 30 day mindfulness for beginners course in calm, which is voiced by Jeff Warren, who is also by far my favorite Calm app host (after you do the beginner course he also releases a new meditation daily).

    2. I have been listening to the Mindfulness for Beginners podcast and really like it. He does an instructional session at the start of each episode, then a guided meditation to close it out.

    3. There are plenty of apps that offer guided meditations. Also check out meditation podcasts.

      I find the guided ones to be more effective (for me) than just freewheeling it.

      1. +1 for Headspace if you really want to do meditation.

        I tried meditation and found that it wasn’t for me. No matter how much I practiced, it was boring and difficult and felt like a silly waste of time. I find yoga and adult ballet class to be much more effective ways for me to practice mindfulness. It’s much easier and more comfortable for me to focus exclusively on tiny details of movement and body placement than to just sit there trying not to think. I come out of class calm and refreshed, whereas I finish up a mediation session stressed and annoyed.

        1. Yoga is great for mindfulness for me, too. And I find it way easier to stick with than meditation.

    5. With the caveat that I am not a regular meditator, I’ve taken a few meditation classes (10 minutes) on the Peloton app and they’ve been helpful

    6. Whatever you use to start, don’t start with 10 minute mediations etc… Start with 30 seconds. Or 1 minute … tops. Just learning to stop, close your eyes, take some deep breaths, slow down is a lot. Love the idea of trying the Apps. The free UCLA Mindful App is a nice place to start. Start with their shortest guided meditations.

      Good for you!

  8. I have a follow up interview/conversation today for what I think will be an incredible move for my career and it would also rescue me from an environment I need out of. The new company has essentially told me they want to hire me and they’re willing to modify an existing open req to a mutual landing place that is a better fit for my skill set and background. Today’s call is about this new potential role. I’m a little overwhelmed by being in such a position but am really optimistic. The current req is at the level of seniority and comp that I’m after, so I’m praying this new job will be at least at that level. Please send all the good vibes and/or any tips for how to handle this kind of “interview” and conversation because this is wildly new territory for me, especially as I’ve been at my current company for 15+ years. The recruiter involved has promised she won’t let me lose the job because I’m asking for too much, so that makes me feel a little better. But I’m still so flipping’ nervous.

    1. lots of good vibes your way. Don’t forget to be yourself – they clearly like you, so be very clear on what you’re after, and don’t be scared of asking for it!

    2. One tip that has been helpful for me in focusing in on my value prop is making a 30/60/90 plan (even if it’s really vague) and having that on-hand to speak to.
      Also don’t let rose colored glasses blind you to red flags! I’ve had jobs where I *had* to get out and overlooked subtle red flags and found myself in a worse pickle.
      When it comes to modifying the job req, see if you can talk not just to leadership but the team for which this job req “works” and make sure you won’t be stepping into a lot of anger and resentment that key duties were taken away or changed “for you” and you won’t be coming in on a difficult situation because the team was promised Role 1 and you’re Role 2. I’d also look out for people who would have been stepping up in to that role if it weren’t for you, just to be sure to connect with them and show value right away and ensure that person is an ally.

  9. I’m in my mid-40s and feel like I’ve hit my ceiling, career-wise. I’m in management, but anything higher-level is not what I want for my life, in terms of balance and expectations. I also don’t think that I have the right personality to handle an executive-level role. It would eat me alive, I believe.

    However, I still have a lot of working years left. How do I figure out what’s next and continue to grow and not languish? I don’t think my job needs to fulfill all of my aspirations, but I spend too much time at work to feel like I’m standing still.

    1. Have you considered growing in ways that are career adjacent but not career centered? Thinking things like joining a relevant non-profit board, doing pro bono if you’re an attorney, etc., getting involved with a mentorship program either at work or outside it.

      1. I have. The challenge is that I genuinely don’t have a lot of time outside of work hours to give. That will change in the next 5 years or so, but that time is not now. I’m doing some volunteer work for our church and even that minimal effort feels like another obligation.

    2. Some books that may be helpful (the last one I discovered on this site):
      The Search by Bruce Feiler (His book Life is in the Transitions is also good)
      Finding Your Own North Star by Martha Beck
      Working Identity (2023 updated version) by Hermina Ibarra

      1. Yes to the Feiler and Ibarra books! I posted a while ago on here about how those two books helped me SO MUCH when I was feeling similarly (mid-40s, having a “what am I doing with my life/career” moment). I think I got the ideas from here originally, so thanks!

    4. It’s good that you recognized this about yourself! do you love your current job? If you don’t want to stay there forever, I’d explore lateral roles in a different company or industry. or even roles that use a similar basic skill set, but are not directly analogous.

    5. Do you find fulfillment in developing your staff? I used to work in a large organization with a lot of longtime managers and directors, and it became clear over time that staff on certain teams advanced, while those on other teams languished. If you are interested in staying where you are, being or becoming the manager whose team is given mentorship and opportunity to grow is a good way to stay where you are while still challenging yourself and expanding your reach.

  10. Friendship advice!

    I had a very dear friend for well over a decade, but the relationship has felt different over the past few years, especially after she got married. (Note that I am
    also married and have consistently made time for our friendship.)

    We been been long-distance friends for many years and used to have 3-hour phone conversations once a month or more, but that gradually changed. I sometimes wonder if her husband played a role—though I’m just speculating. He would frequently interrupt our calls right at the 2-hour mark with a “joke” about how I needed to let his wife go, which felt abrupt and made me feel awkward or like a guest who overstayed their welcome. My friend seems happy in their marriage, and there’s no other signs of control. Note that the husband was extremely nice the one time I met him in person.

    There have also been significant financial differences between us for years now, which might have influenced the dynamic. When I got married and had an admittedly fairly extravagant event, my friend traveled to attend and was a bridesmaid, but when they had a small, locals-only wedding, I wasn’t invited. While I understand it was a tiny event, it hurt not to be included and I would have very happily traveled out of state for it.

    Then, my immediate family member was diagnosed with a very serious health issue similar to one that my friend’s immediate family member died from years before she and I met. My friend found it understandably traumatic and suggested it was painful to discuss, so she seemed to pulled away during that time. I know it’s likely harder for her, given that my loved one is still alive, but I have been struggling with my loved one’s illness and treatment, getting them to appointments, facing the fact that things aren’t looking great, trying to soak up time with them, etc. I have also faced some other heavy life challenges in recent years, but my friend has been fairly slow to offer support and rarely reached out first. She even would go a month or more without replying to texts if they involved a mention of my ill loved one.

    After months of minimal contact because I was extremely hurt and quit reaching out, she sent a casual holiday message about a year ago. I responded by saying (gently and without much detail) that I had been unsure about where we stood because I was the only one making an effort and she immediately sent a very sincere apology. Since then, for almost a full year, she has made a seemingly very genuine and consistent effort to reconnect.

    That said, the friendship still feels different and awkward to me. We saw each other in person recently when I was in her state for an unrelated event, and she made a big show of wanting to see me but was very last-minute about making plans actual plans and then kept emphasizing how she’d have to keep our meetup short because she gets tired easily. We met for about an hour and a half and it was totally fine but, frankly, I am not sure I really want to be friends anymore. She has continued to text me and ask to schedule catchup calls. Recently, I have been pushing them off because I am genuinely very busy and just feeling conflicted.

    Am I being fair? Is it okay to let the friendship go, even though she’s trying now? This was a friendship I valued so much for years that I don’t want to be rash in letting in go and I also don’t want to be petty…but I just don’t feel comfortable being vulnerable with her in the same way. I also have a full schedule with work, the mentioned ill loved one, and other friendships I frankly prefer to invest in. At the same time, it feels disloyal to her somehow. Despite the ways she has let me down in the past couple years, she is genuinely a very good person and I keep feeling guilty because she lost her family member while I still have mine.

    1. It sounds like you’re expecting a level of emotional support that your friend is not able to give, and hasn’t been able to give for some time. I’m not trying to be critical, but it does sound like a mismatch. What do you guys like to do together, besides talk?

      You don’t need to feel guilty for your family member still being alive, but I think it’s perfectly reasonable that your friend can’t engage on this particular subject.

      1. We are long-distance friends! So not able to hang out in person. Just talk on the phone. I have a wide circle of local friends and a very sweet husband and making for this friendship feels forced at this point.

      3. Yeah, I agree. I have a big circle of friends and a couple of particularly close longtime friends, but I have no three hour phone call friends. That is asking a lot of a person, plus our communication styles have changed over the decades since more people text now.

        If you don’t want be friends with her anymore, OP, that’s fine, but friendships change and you don’t have to cut somebody off just because they don’t want to have three hour phone calls with you anymore. You can be a different kind of friend, and I think your friend is showing you by example what kind of friend she wants to be now.

    2. If you like her, make the effort. Life happens to all of us and I don’t understand these deep needs for specific responses to text and time. Two hour phone conversations are A LOT, she might have asked her husband to help her get off the phone. Anyway, if you like her stay in touch. If she’s someone you dislike, let it go. Sounds like you like her and expect boyfriend levels of time from friends and that’s unreasonable.

      1. My other long distance friends (I have a lot from college) and I do have long phone conversations regularly so this is more “normal” for me. However, I agree that I don’t want to hold someone to standard of friendship they can’t sustain. Just not sure what to do because she has asked twice in recent months when I can catch up on the phone and I just don’t really want to anymore.

      2. Yeah, the super long phone calls struck me as overkill too. If you’re just long distance friends, keep up casually texting.

          1. Talk less? Like keep it to an hour and then have a “lunch date” you need to get ready for.

          3. I have 4 or 5 long distance friends from college who I have these long phone calls with! Just to clarify. When my local friends and I get together, we talk over dinner for hours often. But appreciate the perspectives for sure!!

          4. Yeah, I schedule half hour catch-up calls with my long-distance friends from college about twice a year. I can’t imagine spending two hours on the phone with four or five people regularly. This seems like a case where your expectations might be off market, as we say

          5. Talk for 30 min then say you have to go. I am also a phone talker with my long distance friends, but I never stay on for 2 hours…

          6. Agree with others – you must talk less. You are getting hints that this is too much. She is setting time limits for your visits together because she is getting “exhausted” by them. Her husband is trying to rescue her. You are missing the signs.

            And relationships change with time.

            It is not common to have 2hr+ phone conversation with lots of close friends. It just isn’t. I only have one friend who is like this, and she has an untreated anxiety disorder and was using all of us as therapists. She was completely oblivious to what she was doing. It is the only time in my young life where I practically ghosted a friendship, as I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. It was completely exhausting and stressful.

      3. I’m 99% sure she was making some sort of hand signal to her husband like “help! get me off this call!” before he stepped in! I would have done that at the 30 minute mark, personally.

        3. Again, this was a friendship of close to 15 years that far preceded her husband. Why would she never say, I have to get off the phone? She kept asking questions/telling me more…I have a large circle and work in a field requires whipsharp communication skills. I am not one who is completely devoid of the ability to read the room. She was always talking enthusiastically and asking questions until her husband walked in. When I am on a phone call, I frequently pause and leave time for silence to make sure both parties get equal time to talk.

          1. Because it is hard to say this. Because you may be missing the normal social cues (and awareness of the clock) that allow us to not be so blunt.

            What do you want us to say?

          2. I have literally never found it hard to say to someone, “Loved chatting but I better get off the phone now.”

            Again, I have multiple friends who enthusiastically text saying we need a phone date to catch up and they can’t wait so I guess you’ll have to take my word that I am not a total doofus :)

            And I am extremely pro-therapy and will mention heavy life events but do not ask for advice and am always sure to allot plenty of time for friends to share their “stuff.” Also, I have plenty of fun things going on in my life, too…I’ll not walking around in tears. My mental health is medicated and in excellent control!

          3. Agree with @12:15. Both that it can be hard to say, and that you’re probably missing the cues.

    3. I would probably reflect on the level of friendship that feels sustainable for you right now. You used to be super close, but life comes in phases. There are many levels between super close and fading the friendship, and it’s ok for the friendship to evolve with time. Your post alludes to both guilt and blame, but I think both of these feelings are doing you a disservice. You can’t control how you feel of course, but I would try not to let them lead the decision I make going forward.

    4. “and she made a big show of wanting to see me but was very last-minute about making plans actual plans and then kept emphasizing how she’d have to keep our meetup short because she gets tired easily. ”

      “I tire easily” are the words I use with some not super close friends now that I have been dx’d with LC. I don’t want to go into my illness and issues with everybody and their brother, especially those who have minimized Covid precautions in the past. This line stood out to me, because of that. It’s not that I don’t love my friends, and I would like to spend time with them, but the exhaustion is pretty overwhelming. And everyone is allowed to feel their feels around issues related to the pandemic, so it doesn’t really matter to me how they feel about it, but I just don’t have the time or energy to devote to it, I’d rather catch up on their kids, their parents, their lives and their jobs.

      1. I wondered about that, too. Ironically, I have been an open book with her about health issues I’ve been having so I wouldn’t think she would need to keep hers private but that could be the case.

        1. But she’s not you! She might not want to be an open book for reasons that don’t have anything to do with you.

          1. That’s fair! But a lot of my conversations will tangentially be related to mine because they affect some huge life issues (fertility issues, miscarriage) and I don’t know that I want to open up to her about my issues then. My husband and I are trying to figure out some huge things like how to build our family and I want to invest in friendships where I can be more open and candid.

          2. Which is fine. When she reaches out just say sorry can’t a lot going on at the moment

          3. You’re really expecting a lot of this one person. And the way you talk about “investing” or not depending on what you get from another person is quite weird to me.

    5. What does it mean that she has to keep the meetup short because she gets tired very easily? Is she struggling with some health issues?

      Not all friendships are forever. You can look at her as someone who was a close friend at a different time of your life and no longer is. There’s many people I used to be close to and have grown away from — I think of them fondly and wish them the best, but don’t feel the need for them to be a part of my life anymore.

      1. Makes perfect sense, but how do I politely fade away when she has been reaching out regularly asking to catch up?

        1. It’s perfectly fine not to have the call if you don’t want to. But she’s reaching out because you told her you wanted her to. She’s making good on her promise.

          It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You seem very rigid about this. Like if she’s not your three hour phone call friend, shes not your friend.

          You can talk to her monthly instead of weekly. You can talk to her for 30 minutes rather than 3 hours.

          When you say you have several friends you have multi-hours-long conversations with on a regular basis, I wonder if you have time to do anything else! When do you go to Target?

          I think therapy is what you need. You have a lot of emotional things going on right now, some of which your friend doesn’t want to talk to you about because they’re too tender for her, and that’s when most of us engage a professional who is paid to listen to us. Don’t put your friends in the role of therapist.

          1. I was never asking my friend for therapy or advice, just mentioning life situations. I am very pro-therapy, have been in therapy in past life situation, have a supportive husband and a large circle of friends, etc. I was never asking this friend for advice. Just mentioning life events, as she mentioned hers.

          2. As I mentioned elsewhere, I typically devote 2 times a week to spending with friends from a wide variety of social circles. So dinner 1 time with friend A, and a phone call with friend B, etc. I have 5 nights a week to go to Target or anything else! And I have a lot of friends, so this is dispersed between many people.

            Anyway, I feel myself getting defensive now so I’ll stop clarifying. I do appreciate the input and perspectives. I’ve gotten some good advice here :)

          3. LOL, if you’re spending three hours on the phone with somebody trying to talk about your infertility, you are absolutely using that person as a therapist. Go pay somebody for that.

          4. Commenter at 12:37…I will spend 5-10 minutes mentioning infertility and spend the rest of the time talking about travel, politics, work, funny news stories, asking about their family, work, etc.

            It would be totally draining and inappropriate to ask a friend listen to me talk about infertility for 3 hours…

      2. I think this is her saying “I don’t have three hours for you, like our phone calls…”. This is her saying whatever the current arrangement is is too much. I think OP is missing some big cues.

    6. Life is long; I would hesitate to totally let go of a friendship that may rekindle at the right time later on.

      I wonder what she meant about getting tired easily. If she’s struggling to invest time and effort, and you have other friendships you prefer to invest in, maybe catching up less often and for less time makes a lot of sense for both of you?

      1. That absolutely makes sense, but how do I politely fade away when she has been reaching out regularly asking to catch up?

          1. She just actually didn’t respond for a month or two in several instances. I have always hated ghosting people and it feels wrong to me, but maybe that’s what I need to do.

          2. Why would you ghost her?? She wants to be friends. It’s ok not to have 3 hour long phone conversations. You can still be friends without that intense time commitment.

        2. I think when you pointed out to her that you were the only one making an effort, she took this as a request to do what she’s doing now. I guess it kind of sounds like you need to talk, since it’s possible that both of you want or need the same thing right now (to be on the back burner for this phase of life because of a lot of emotions about what you’ve both been through)?

          1. Or maybe you don’t want to have it all out, talk, cry, and go forward from there, but I think some of the awkwardness right now is because she thinks you asked her to reach out more but it’s not what you really wanted after all.

          2. Right. It seems mean to cut someone out after you specifically called her out for not making an effort, and then she changed her behavior to do what she thought you wanted.

        3. Why do you need to politely fade away? Friendships don’t need to be all or nothing. Let your friendships naturally evolve. Life is long – you can never have too many friends. I frankly see no point to hours long monthly conversations with college friends. But I would continue this friendship in this phase of life with an occasional 30 minute call, some funny texts in between, and meets ups if we’re ever in the same city. From your post, she hasn’t done anything egregious to where she needs to be cut out of your life in some dramatic fashion.

          1. Yes, this sounds like a reasonable plan. I don’t know why OP would want to ghost her friend who is genuinely making effort.

          2. Yes, I feel like a lot of questions on this board see friendship as ALL or NOTHING. There is lots of room for the in between, especially over the years. I have a friend that I ate lunch every work day for 25 years, we both left that work place and are now casual text/occaisional phone call friends, but it’s not like we broke up. I have friends I met thru my kid’s sport that I was super tight with for years while we car pooled and chatted on the sidelines and ate dinners together and shared hotel rooms during travel sports, etc, that I’m happy to see in the coffee shop now, but go for months without seeing. Someone I knew very casually for years has become a daily contact because it turns out we have a shared hobby now, but that may fade away in time as well. There’s no drama or ghosting, just a gentle fade to less while other friendships intensify to fill the void.

          3. To the person asking why I would consider ghosting…I think because she ghosted me for 2 months or more at least 2 times before she began reaching out again after I mentioned I was hurt. It seems I am nursing a bit of a grudge, which is immature in retrospect considering she has made such an effort for over a year. Glad to think through this with neutral parties. Good to confront one’s own blind spots.

          4. I think a lot of the friendship black-and-white people are still very young and are not managing the transition to adult friendships and relationships as well as they could

        4. Look, you keep asking how to tone down this friendship. Just do it! Respond to her next entreaty by scheduling a call (that will last much less than three hours), have the call, and then don’t re-engage for another month or so, and then perhaps YOU reach out the next time and you schedule a call (that lasts way less than three hours) and then have the call, etc. I’m not sure why you keep asking how to manage this friendship. Perhaps you need to consider what your goal is, then take steps to achieve it. I hope this helps!

        5. How would you feel about setting a 30-minute catch up call and asking her these questions?

          Truthfully, I can’t imagine spending 2-3 hours on a phone call with a friend. That would be distinctly unfun for me, and super stressful. But YMMV.

          People change, friendships morph, and they’re not set in stone and all or nothing–what worked for your friend for 15 years is obviously not working for her now. So find out what she wants it to be moving forward, and YOU change your expectations to fit her needs, or dump her.

          We can’t know either of your feelings, so you’ve got to ask her.

    7. Yes it’s ok. I personally try and prioritize local friends. Long distance friends are nice, but they’re texting from time to time nice not hours long catch ups.

    8. I can’t imagine being able to spend three hours on the phone with anyone, no matter how much I loved them. If they didn’t take hints that I needed to wrap things up, I can see getting my husband to make excuses, though that does feel a little cowardly.

      I also have a chronic illness that causes fatigue and pain, so I’m sympathetic to someone trying to manage expectations about what they can handle. It can be tricky to explain to people, especially when you might not have a diagnosis yet, or don’t want to go into all the details, or don’t even really understand yourself what’s going on, just that you can’t do things the way you used to be able to do.

      If you like this friend, I don’t really understand the need to cut people off just because they’re going through different stages of life where they’re not able to give as much. Most adult, long distance friendships aren’t going to involve regular three hour phone calls, but can still have some level of regular contact and investment that feels right to you. You can pull back some without ending the friendship completely. I feel like it only gets harder to make good friends as you get older, and you can never replace people who have known you for a long time, so it makes no sense to cut off people you actually like.

      1. I also have a chronic illness so I do understand. And then 3+ hour conversations lasted for over a decade, just for context. I also have 4 or 5 long distance friends from college who I have these kind of long calls with so it never struck me as a weird time commitment, but I am more extroverted so I could certainly weigh on someone more introverted like my friend. Thanks for sharing your perspective!

        2. It sounds like you have a super-high capacity for conversation, and that to you friendship involves long-term, high-level loyalty, connection, vulnerable sharing, and emotional support. There’s nothing wrong with any of that, but there are different categories of friendship, and different people have different understandings. She may no longer be a “deep and vulnerable emotional support” friend, and that’s OK. You can still be friends. You don’t have to vulnerably share all your health issues and struggles and questions. You can still be friends.

          1. Good points! I have always been good at compartmentalizing friends and not expecting too much out of more casual friends, but you’re right that I struggle when a friend who was once part of my closest circle no longer belongs there. I would never expect so much of a friend who wasn’t ever in that closest circle, but I need to have more grace when someone leaves it. Thank you! Good point.

          2. Maintaining a friendship doesn’t need to involve long phone conversations. You can still be friends without that.

          3. Yes, things have obviously changed recently, regardless of how things used to be. Just accept that instead of brooding about why things have changed, and see if you would like to continue the friendship but on a different track, that is, staying friendly, but not so intensely. (For example, shorter calls.). How to do this? Just plunge in and do it. No need for any explanations, just carry on. Good luck!

        3. When I catch up with long distance friends it’s usually a 30 minute phone call every few weeks. It’s something I can do while I’m on a walk or a longer drive so it doesn’t take time out of my day. 3 hours is the better part of an afternoon, that’s way too long in my book.

        4. That is a a LOT of time just for perspective. Like I have sh!t to do on the weekends – aside from regular life maintenance like projects around the house and errands, I want to chill with family. When I catch up with long distance friends it’s more typically short text exchanges from time to time, occasional half hour to an hour calls, and spending longer if we’re in the same city.

          In this case, it seems like she’s doing what you asked (initiating, making more effort) but you regret you said anything. I’d just quietly, without making a statement about it, have shorter calls but not ghost the friendship.

          1. That is a fair perspective! I have a full and busy life and a wonderful husband (no kids yet, aforementioned health issues) but set aside 2 nights a week typically to spend time with friends. I consider a dinner out with local friends or a phone call with long distance friends one of “2 per week.”

            Anyway, the perspective shift is helpful! Thank you.

          2. Same. I cannot get over the two hour plus calls on a regular basis. At that point just plan a girls weekend because you’re really talking about taking up an entire day. I have a ton of lifelong friends both local and long distance. What works for those friends is regular texting, phone calls while doing other things like commuting or walking the dog that are SHORT, like 15 minute check ins, and intentional planning to see each other in the case of long distance friends. All of that doesn’t happen all the time either, besides some active text chains.

      2. +1 million to all of this. Life is long, friendships change over time, you don’t need to actively ghost or end things, just let them change naturally.

    9. I have also had that awkward conversation/confrontation with a friend who hurt me in a different way – she lied and took advantage of my kindness – and the friendship has not been the same ever since.

      Unfortunately, once you call someone out, they are always going to feel weird around you, even if you were right. Which I was, and my friend admitted i was. But being right and making the other person acknowledge they were wrong doesn’t mean things are going to go back to the way they were before.

      In my case, my friend felt bad, and feels bad about it still, and now it’s awkward. But the alternative to my saying out loud “what you did hurt my feelings and I feel taken advantage of” was for me to keep swallowing it and sweeping it under the rug, and that became untenable to me after a while.

      So what is friendship? Is it the fun times you have with someone, or should I have just kept on keeping it superficial knowing someone is not as loyal to you as you are to them? You can have that friendship – I think we all have friendships like that – but you have to put it where it belongs. It is not going to be your closest friendship anymore, if it ever really was.

      1. Thank you for sharing your story! I’m sorry for how things changed with your friendship, too.

    10. YTA here. She is doing exactly what you asked and it still isn’t enough? And you expect her to provide a ton of emotional support through long conversations but you aren’t willing to support her or respect her time constraints?

      1. I appreciate everyone’s input but, just to clarity, these long conversations were not devoted to my personal problems. For over a decade and for far longer than my loved one’s diagnosis, we spent hours on the phone chatting about life and everything from the funny to the serious. I was never mad she didn’t want to talk about my loved ones health issues, just that she would go 2 months without responding to my text multiple times after years of friendship. Most of our calls were spent talking about fun things! I never gave her details of my loved one’s health issues, just vague overviews.

        Anyway, appreciative of everyone who weighed in without calling me an AH :)

        1. And she never told me she had time constraints regarding calls…her husband just started walking in and interrupting. Perhaps at her request, but I have no idea!

          1. She has boundaries. She’s expressed them to you. She doesn’t want to be your support person specifically regarding your ill loved one. Believe her.

    11. It sounds like you’re a well-loved friend, but you don’t read the room particularly well. She has clearly signaled that you are exhausting her if she’s attempted to to manage your expectations about time in several different ways. You may have other long distance friends who put up with 3hr phone calls, but you may also be “that one friend who calls for 3hrs and we put up with it until circumstances change.” I have one of those friends and she is an outlier, not the norm.
      She still wants to be your friend. She took a break, she still values you, and she wants to re-establish communication with more reasonable expectations.

      1. Then why did she never say, I need to get off the phone? I would have happily let her go much earlier…she kept talking!

        2. Not the original commenter but my thought in reading this whole thread was exactly this one, OP, you’re failing to read the room. You are going all in on tons and tons of contact, which is overwhelming your friend and she is trying to politely dial it back with signals. Pick up on those. Your friendship isn’t over it just needs to adjust. And my goodness, a two month lack of contact isn’t “ghosting” it’s “busy.”

        3. That is irrelevant now. And she’s likely taking the heat from you because she’s the first to need the accommodation to your friendship rhythm. Other friends will follow.

        4. I have a few friends who enjoy the hours-long catch up call. You ask why she doesn’t say she needed to get off the phone. For me, sometimes I am enjoying the conversation in the moment, then I get off the phone and realize I’m exhausted and not in a good way. I value my friends, and I feel like this is a “price of admission” for them, so I will do it! Sometimes it’s more exhausting and sometimes less.

          Also, if it’s the evening, some people feel uncomfortable saying they need to go when the other person “knows” they don’t have anything to do other than watch tv and get ready for bed. Not necessarily because the other person is mean or rude about it, but maybe they’ve had people in the past who will question or push boundaries! So that part might have nothing to do with your past reactions, but other people’s.

          3. +1 on the last paragraph. Tech works against us in this way. It used to be possible to say ‘I need to go do the dishes or fold the laundry or make my lunch for tomorrow’ because it was a corded handheld phone. With airbuds, there’s basically very little other than bathing that you can’t do on a call.

    12. I don’t know you, and I am exhausted…. and a bit frustrated… just reading your repetitive comments and rebuttals on this thread.

      Perhaps a little more introspection is needed. Carefully re-read the recommendations on this thread. If you don’t see it, then a therapist could be helpful.

      1. I was very receptive to the first 10 or more comments and just adding color when people started making assumptions about my mental health etc. I am very pro-therapy and do not treat my friends like therapists. I also put a lot of effort into being a good friend. Anyway, a pile-on is always a possibility with an online forum and I do appreciate with the majority who gave helpful insights and perspectives. I will give this friend more grace.

        1. It’s not a pile on at all. Therapy is an extremely reasonable suggestion for someone processing infertility and the illness of a loved one.

          1. Note taken. I have been in therapy many times in my life and my mental health is successfully medicated. Appreciate it and will consider therapy again as needed. Pile-on was probably the wrong word and I thank the many people who gave helpful perspectives.

        2. Judging from nothing but your replies here, you’re VERY quick to try to keep a conversation going, debate things, look at them from different angles, and that particular conversational style can get to be a lot, particularly as we all get older and have competing priorities for our time.

          I would suggest you reflect a little bit on whether you’re hard to back away from incrementally, hence the 2-month cold turkey gap.

          1. Haha I tend to pride myself on being open-minded and thoughtful about things…I also like to use my time well and was hoping to engage here, give it my full attention, and then head back to my workday :) I also wanted to remain polite throughout. But point taken!

        3. For what it’s worth, it can sometimes seem like a pile-on here because the responses may sit in the queue for a while then show up all at once. So posters don’t realize their response is repetitive or already been said.

          1. That’s kind! Thanks. I post here
            only once or twice a year with occasional comments in between, so I had forgotten :)

    13. I had a friend who also wanted to talk 2-3 hours. It’s really hard to say, “Hey, I just don’t want to talk that long!” She wasn’t receptive to that, and I was not emotionally mature enough to manage the situation. This was 20 years ago. I keep in touch very superficially on social media, but I still avoid her phone calls.

      1. Yes I thought she didn’t want to talk so stopped asking to schedule calls but she has continued to do so over the past year! Thus my confusion :) Anyway, I’ve gotten good advice and have a handle on how to move forward. I’ll just keep calls shorter!

        1. She continued to do so because you told her she was a bad friend for not reaching out more so now she is trying to reach out in a way that you like.

          2. Please do some self reflection! Everyone is saying you don’t need to say anything to her. Look how well it worked for you this time… Just have shorter calls engage a little less. If you need some time away, take it, if she needs some time away, she’ll take it. There doesn’t need to be some grand proclamation about this.

          3. Maybe start by saying “I have an hour free on Saturday for a phone call” and just start setting a new standard by hanging up after your time limit.

          4. To your question “If that’s the case, how do I nicely tell her she is off the hook?”

            The best way to tell her, is to intentionally have shorter phone calls, and don’t leave it to her (or her husband) to end the calls. Plan to have a 20-25 minute conversation, and then stop at that point. Even if you are having a nice conversation. Even if it feels like old times. This is a reset. :)

            Two ways for you to help yourself not get drawn in:
            1) set an alarm. At that point, let her know, warmly, that it was great to catch up and then end the conversation.
            2) talk while you are walking from A to B, any sort of distance around a mile. “I’d love to catch up while I walk to the XYZ” When you’ve walked your mile, let her know, warmly, that it was great to catch up and then end the conversation.

            You need to be the one to end the conversation and hang up. Let her know by your actions that you value shorter interactions, too.

    14. I am an introvert so I can only devote so much energy to my job and friends/family in any given day. That varies by circumstance based on what is happening, not the person necessarily. When I hit a wall, I hit a wall. That may be what is happening here. I’m sure there have been times when I could have communicated that better, but it’s just not always something we have the tools to articulate.

      That being said, what may help in this situation is to say, let’s just schedule a monthly happy hour or coffee chat (1 hour or 30 minutes max). It doesn’t have to be a formal affair but that sets some boundaries. You have to be willing to accept those boundaries though. I will say, I hardly ever talk to my friends routinely but we show up in the big life moments. Sometimes that’s what matters most.

  11. I want to make some kicka$$ holiday cookies/treats this year. What are your favorites? I specifically am looking for delicious vs pretty (though pretty is a bonus).

    3. Gingersnaps and Snickerdoodles. Also the peanut butter cookies with Hershey kisses in the middle, which I love but never make for myself. Buckeyes (peanut butter balls dipped in chocolate), and peppermint bark. My mom has an amazing cashew cookie recipe that I’ve just remembered I need to ask for.

    4. NYT’s recipe for Mexican hot chocolate cookies is outstanding. You can adjust the amount of cayenne pepper to make them more warm than spicy.

    5. Smitten Kitchen’s “thick, chewy oatmeal raisin cookies” and “brownie roll-out cookies”
      “Thick and chewy chai oatmeal cookies” from Plays Well With Butter
      Peanut butter blossoms
      I also like a good peppermint-flavored shortbread type of cookie

    6. I host a cookie bake every year, so lots of experience with which cookies people like.

      Blossom cookies (soft peanut butter cookies with a Hershey’s kiss or mini Reese’s peanut butter cup added when the cookie is just baked and still hot) are always, always the first to get eaten.

      https://sallysbakingaddiction.com/classic-peanut-butter-blossoms/

      The second most popular are decorated, rolled, cut out sugar cookies. Some people prefer the ones that are dipped in milk chocolate or white chocolate – I personally like them half dipped – make sure you buy the melting chocolate specifically meant for this. (They’re called “melts”).

      My absolute favorite is a sugar cookie cut into a shape and absolutely covered with sugar sprinkles – you probably see lots of pumpkin or leaf shaped ones at coffee shops this time of year. The key is to get good sprinkles and don’t skimp. This is a good project for involving kids if you have kids around.

      Use the best butter in your sugar cookie dough and make sure you let it rest and don’t overwork it. They’re called sugar cookies but really they’re butter cookies, and the butter makes all the difference.

      If you go all out with rolled cutout cookies, you can get into hard icing and piping. It’s not hard to make, but you need the right cookie decorating equipment, and practice makes perfect.

    7. If you are up for it, everyone I have ever served this cookie to agrees it is the best cookie they’ve ever had. It is not for the faint-hearted; start a day or two in advance. They keep very well, and happen to be gluten free. You need pasteurized eggs, which can be hard to find but are super easy to make if you have or can borrow a sous vide tool for a couple of days.

      https://www.startribune.com/swedish-almond-chocolate-macaroons/134629998

    8. Pumpkin snickerdoodles or double chocolate peppermint cookies (but leave off the hard candy toppings, they’re better without the crunch).

    11. Plainchicken.com has a recipe for peanut butter frito cookies that is stealthily addictive.
      I made a cranberry cake yesterday from “Bare feet in the kitchen,” and it was such a huge hit. I thought no one was going to like it, and everyone did. Bonus is that it looks quite festive cut into squares on a fancy plate.
      And I plug this a lot, but brownie sundaes made with Jeni’s white chocolate peppermint ice cream, a seasonal flavor that, I think, is being released today are just amazing. Brownie + a scoop of WCPIC + drizzle of chocolate sauce.

  12. I’m unsure if I’m looking for advice or just to vent. I just know that I’m sad about this development. DH and I are in our late 30s and have been together for 15 years. Over the past few years, his media literacy and critical thinking skills have dropped off significantly. There have been numerous instances in which he’s told me about something, I question him because it seems suspect, and it will turn out that he heard misinformation and accepted it as truth without a second thought. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that his efforts to follow the news are now limited to skimming headlines and tweets. He’s also fallen for a couple of financial scams that should were so obvious that I was in disbelief when he told me what happened.

    We’ve talked about specific instances when they arise. After he lost money on the second scam, he vowed to run things by me and he has kept his word. But it’s one thing to have this dynamic with an elderly relative. It’s uncomfortable having it with my prime-age husband. He’s far less concerned about being uninformed and misinformed. I think he doesn’t care to put forth the time and thought to keep up with the times, and that wasn’t apparent before because he was coasting off youth and schooling. I don’t know how to have a broader conversation about that without being preachy. But I’m very worried what he will be like in his 50s, 60s, and beyond if he’s already like this now.

    1. This seems distressing! Do you think he was always like this, but it just wasn’t as obvious when he was younger? Or has something genuinely changed?

      I can’t imagine going from being a savvy, questioning person to a disinterested, gullible one. If this is what has happened, is there something broader going on? (low energy, lack of motivation, mental health, depression, burnout, health issues, etc.)

      1. +1. This would worry me, too, OP. Especially that he doesn’t seem to particularly care.

      2. He used to pride himself on being savvy and well-informed. My theory is that it took little effort for him to be that way because the world was as he knew it in his formative years and he could coast off of what he learned in school. Now, being savvy and well-informed takes more effort, and he’s unwilling to put forth the effort.

        I’ve also wondered if there are cognitive or mental health issues in play. But I don’t think that there are because he’s sharp as a tack in other areas of his life. I see him in hearings and depositions, and he doesn’t miss a beat. He also can always tell you what’s going on with his favorite sports teams.

        1. That’s reassuring that he’s still sharp in other areas of his life.

          I think that men are much, much more suspectable to tunnel vision or investing entirely in a few areas of expertise (often a career and a hobby), and their minds can get very inflexible. I don’t know if that’s because they’re not socialized to feel responsible for the minutia of home management and maintaining society connections, or because they don’t get the “pay attention to everything” multitasking hormones that women apparently get? But women seem to lose themselves less to their careers at least in our culture.

          I wonder if he could use some good podcasts or something low effort but more engaging than scrolling?

          1. Thank you for your thoughtful response. Now that you mention it, he is invested in the things he cares about (work, hobby, and family) and just going through the motions in other areas of life. I think this is a more far-reaching issue than I originally perceived.

          2. Is it possible that he’s burnt out? When I require intense mental focus for work over long periods, I lose critical thinking and executive functioning capacity in other parts of my life. I just run out of energy! I find keeping up with the news to be overwhelming because even my trusted sources (like the NYTimes) often require me to be a more critical thinker than I have capacity for. I get exhausted by the volume of information and the increasingly click-bait headlines that blur the lines between news and junk. If the news looks like junk, it’s no wonder the junk looks like news.

            One other possibility is over confidence. I’ve seen middle-aged men ascend in their careers, gain confidence about their mental prowess, and feel knowledgeable about things they ought to be skeptical about.

        2. I saw this with my husband too, though it was evident in his 40s, not 30s. He seemed to stop trying to use any new technology at all, to the point of asking me how to use the printer (!) and how to text.(He still can’t scan a document- sigh). He does keep up with things that interest him (sports, etc) and looks at various sources for news. I think he just avoids having to ‘figure out’ technology because it’s overwhelming to him. I have friends who have similar experience with their husbands. If there are no other signs of cognitive decline I would not worry about it. I view it as part of his personality.

          1. This would drive me crazy. Weaponized incompetence!! He’s perfectly capable of learning how to scan a document.

          2. Thank you. My husband is also resistant to new technology unless it directly benefits him (e.g., setting up surround sound in our den). Thankfully, the consequences of his resistance have only affected him so far, so I’m able to refuse to accommodate him and let societal pressure and inconvenience force him to change.

    2. That would concern me too. What’s going on there? Do you talk about things like current events and the news? I have a hard time imagining this as my husband and I share a lot of news, articles, podcasts and regularly talk about all of it. If that’s something that would work for your relationship, it’s worth a try. Otherwise I might consider cutting my losses.

      1. I see this sometimes with my husband. I think it’s a symptom of phone use, the volume of information thrown at people via social media, etc. He’ll just read the headline briefly or something pops up on facebook and he either reads something wrong or somehow gets the wrong end of the stick? But he’s just being a dope, not investing any money, so I just roll my eyes, ask for sources, etc.

        1. Yeah, some people are just not critical thinkers. And it’s very easy these days with social media overload.

        2. I see this too – we don’t watch the news at home (we used to at least watch Today, but now with a kid, our TV is off int he morning). I get my news through a podcast, scanning the NYtimes, etc. I’ll read articles that grab my interest. My husband does not. He will see something on social media – shared by his buddies who have similar media habits – and take it at face value. Again, this isn’t causing financial strain or anything like that. Mostly annoyance on my end.

      2. This is a husband, not a casual friend. There isn’t a “cutting your losses” scenario here.

        1. Umm if my husband was falling for financial scams and losing our money regularly, would seriously consider divorce.

          1. I guess I left that part out of my marriage vows (“unless he gets financially scammed, of course!”). In this scenario, it sounds like he’s gainfully employed and that he’s stopped making financial decisions on his own already.

      3. It’s weird. We will be in the midst of a conversation about a current event or policy issue, and he will seem on top of it. But then he’ll reference something outlandish, so I’ll ask clarifying questions. After a few questions, it will become clear that the entire basis for what he said was an ai-generated image, a tweet that he didn’t realize was from a satirical or heavily biased account, or a headline that was either misleading or he totally misread. When I point out to him that he was misled, his reaction is “eh, it happens.”

    3. Has he been worked up medically in connection to this change? It sounds like you are framing this as a motivation and effort issue (he’s not concerned about being misinformed; he’s just skimming headlines and tweets, etc.). But you also describe a significant drop off in just a few years. (And I’m not sure how many years, but the past few years have been medically significant for an awful lot of people.)

    4. Is it possible that there’s something medical going on, or do you think that he was always like this and masking before? I’m just asking because my husband and I are in the same age range, and I feel like we’re both more skeptical now than we were when we met 10+ years ago – I know that people do become more susceptible as they age, but I feel like in my own life I’m not seeing it yet.

      1. This. I’m curious about the scams. Was it as obvious as the Nigerian Prince scams? Or something more along the lines of phishing/smishing?

        1. I’m curious too. A lot of busy, successful people are not particularly online, and may not have kept up with recent changes to popular social media sites even if they’ve been using them (x.com is not the same place that Twitter was; LLM bots and content is absolutely everywhere, etc.).

      2. As someone who works in tech – online scams are REALLY sophisticated these days thanks to AI. It’s not necessarily a sign of failing health if someone falls for a scam.

        1. Please offer to do a guest post for all of us on the latest, most sophisticated scams! Seriously.

          1. +1. I’d be interested if SOMEONE would do this. I do my yearly phishing training and see examples of attempts that our IT puts out, and am familiar with the Facebook/Google “Is this you in these photos?” DMs, but would like to see more of what to look out for.

          2. Check the Shell Game podcast for a fascinating look into AI voice clones. The possibilities for mischief are almost endless.

          3. Scammers using AI to simulate video calls where a high level exec, often CEO, asks the CFO to wire a large sum of money for whatever reason. They use publicly available video of the exec and AI to change it to make it look like the CEO is talking to the target. It’s wild.

    6. does he have friends or colleagues who also believe misinformation? if he’s surrounded by those people (and trusts them) it can be a problem. do you have savvy, well-informed friends that you and he can go out with more often?

  13. Do you think it’s ever worth it to try to talk to a boss about their micromanaging? I really like my job, my company and the culture – but I feel like I have so little autonomy that it’s seriously impacting my happiness. My manager wants to review EVERYTHING I do or produce, and she only ever makes minor changes that have little to no impact. Even things like emails she wants to review first. And the thing is, if I was making egregious errors I would understand it – but I’m not. I have excellent performance reviews. But now I have anxiety over sending emails because I know she’s going to nitpick them. I have no ownership over anything. But I don’t know if it’s worth it to try to talk to her, or if I should just look for a new job.

    1. Hi boss, I’d like a little more ownership over things like routine emails. I’ve been doing this job for x years and have excellent performance reviews. I’d like to have a little more autonomy. Can we talk about which things I can do without running them by you? (I call this my “authority” but that may be a term specific to my field”)

      1. +1 IME, people like this won’t change.

        How long have you worked for her? if it’s only a short period of time, you could try asking what steps you need to take in your development for her to feel comfortable with you having a bit more ownership and autonomy, and create a plan to get there. It’s key to frame it as a goal for your professional development, and not a critique of her management style (even though it sounds like that’s the real issue).

    3. There have been semi-regular posts here about this issue with a female boss, including citing that she wants to see all the emails. Is that you? And if so, have any of the past suggestions been helpful?

      If it is you, it sounds like nothing is changing, and you’re still frustrated. What have you already tried? Have you asked for more leeway in specific areas? Do you have a HR department? Coworkers who experience the same dynamic? A 360 review process of any kind?

    4. Ask a manager is often nuts, but I like her phrase “your boss s*cks and isn’t going to change”. I would look for a new job – I have worked under micromanagers and it is EXHAUSTING.

  14. Extremely personal question.

    What intimate lubricant do you use? I haven’t like glide brand in the past, found it sticky and messy. I would like something that is more along the lines of hyaluronic acid/skincare – something more therapeutic and that doesn’t feel weird past my next shower. Looking for brands here! Thanks in advance.

    1. When I was active (in the process of a divorce right now), we used coconut oil. It is not friendly with many barrier methods, so it might not be the right one for you. However, it works very well, is extremely affordable, and I’m a crunchy person who tries to avoid a lot of artificial chemicals.

      1. + 1 Sliquid — it’s vegan, water-based, fragrence free, hypo-allergenic, non staining, created by women.

    4. Never used it, but a few influencers I follow in Insta swear by the Necessaire one.

      3. Let’s just say we set up a subscription after 1 use. Co sign this review.

    5. Foria, it’s CBD infused and it’s amazing. I highly recommend it. A single 6oz or so bottle has lasted like a year+, you only need a half-dropper per gardening session. It’s especially good for peri or menopausal women who have just recently started experiencing discomfort or dryness.

    6. oh hey I’ve just been on this search myself (for gardening purposes). water based is usually the sticky kind, I’ve found I like silicone a lot better.

      Uberlube is the best of the best IMO. It’s super pricey but also my skin feels soft and moisturized for hours after. If you’re using it for gardening purposes the pump dispenser can be kind of a pain though, because it has to be totally upright.

      Other ones that are also very high quality and are roughly the same to one another in my experience are ID Millennium, Wet Platinum and pjur Original. These are all much more affordable than Uberlube but are slightly less silky and lux feeling.

      1. Pjur original is the BEST! We’ve been using it for years and DH and I both love it for gardening and sometimes back massages.

    7. I live and breathe by Slippery Stuff. It lasts. Leaves no residue. Not sticky. No smell. No stains. No taste.

    8. I use both uberlube and Maude shine. Both are silicon based. Only con is that if you get it on the floor if will be slippery until you clean it with soap!

  15. recs for stretchy jeans (or similar, not sweats or leggins) to fly in? thanks! seeing these halara on insta? anyone have them?

    1. Have never heard of Halara. I have cropped flares from J Crew Factory that are nicely stretchy and comfy. I fly in Athleta Brooklyns in warmer weather and bought a pair of lined Brooklyns on sale after last winter to wear once it is cold, but have worn these jeans on a long car trip and they were comfy to sit on for 6+ hours of driving and do a lot of luggage lugging.

      1. I exclusively fly in the Athleta Endless pants and cannot recommend them enough. I do overnight flights, and they’re comfortable to sleep in, polished enough to wear around coworkers, and have zippered pockets.

    2. I’ve had luck in the past with Levi’s pull-on jeans. Buy on Amazon. Also Old Navy jeggings.

    3. I have some jeans from Mother – the midrise ankle dazzler – that I find comfortable enough to fly in. Note that if you are tall, the end up being shorter than ankle length, but I still find them cute.

    4. I like Kut from the Kloth boyfriend jeans for travel. Stretchy enough for comfort, not so stretchy that they bag out after sitting for 11 hours.

    5. I have found one pair of pants from Halara that I like – but not jeans. I tried a couple of pairs of stretchy jeans from them and found them to be of really low quality and not great.

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