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Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Wrap Top with Collar

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Happy Friday! This wrap top looks like a great top as we head into fall — lightweight but long sleeved and super soft. I like the collar and the sliiiight puff to the sleeves, as well as the top-of-the-hip length. I'd wear it with all kinds of tailored trousers and skirts (ankle, bootcut, flared, straight, midi, flare, pencil). It's available in four colors, sizes XXS-XXL, at J.Crew, where it's marked down to $27. (Incidentally, lots of markdowns right now — some older pieces are 75% off, and they're offering 40% off the new stuff.) Pictured:  Wrap top with collar This Halogen top is a pretty good dupe in plus sizes (it also comes in regular and petite sizes), and this isn't terribly similar but I've always liked this plus-size cardigan with a drawstring detail. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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256 Comments

  1. My foster kitten peed on my new, insanely expensive (for me) duvet cover this morning. I blotted up as much as I could, doused it with Nature’s Miracle and dropped it off at the dry cleaner. It’s totally my fault for letting her on there, and I could kick myself. Reassure me that it will come back fine and not have a lingering odor or anything like that?

    1. Did you tell the dry cleaner what it was? It’s important that they know how to treat certain stains because sometimes it won’t come out (especially pee). But I’m sure it’ll be fine. Good for you for fostering. I wish more people did it. We foster dogs and it’s the best feeling to know we’re giving a living creature a chance at a better life.

    2. Did you tell the dry cleaner what it was? It’s important that they know how to treat certain stains because sometimes it won’t come out (especially pee). But I’m sure it’ll be fine. Good for you for fostering. I wish more people did it. We foster dogs and it’s the best feeling to know we’re giving a living creature a chance at a better life.

    3. A duvet cover needs to go to the dry cleaner? Make sure it didn’t soak through to the duvet – or do you mean you dropped off the duvet at the dry cleaner?

      I wish I could reassure you but… my cat once peed on a skirt, I took it to the dry cleaner, but they weren’t able to completely eliminate the smell. I’ve successfully gotten the smell out of my carpet before, though, so hopefully your duvet cover is more like my carpet than my skirt. Otherwise, I’m very sorry for your loss.

      1. I took it to a dry cleaner so it could get professionally treated and have the best chance of getting the smell out. I washed the insert and my sheets in my own washing machine this morning, but they are both more easily replaced if I have any lingering issues. – Williams Sonoma Home doesn’t sell this duvet cover anymore so didn’t want to risk it!

    4. A cat peed on my wool/cashmere coat once, and the drycleaner was able to clean it so that there was no lingering smell.

    5. You should definitely be able to get the smell out. If it doesn’t come out at the dry cleaners, you should be able to wash it in a large washer. Nature’s Miracle makes a laundry detergent for this very purpose.

      Ask me how I know (ugh)

    6. Years ago when I lived in a condo with a small balcony, my cat did the near impossible and caught a bird and then ran with it into my bedroom––leaving blood all over my jacquard cream duvet. Dry cleaner did the even more “near impossible” and gave it back to me as good as new. Fingers crossed your luck is the same!

    7. Kids’n’pets is better than Nature’s Miracle. Wet washing will work better than dry cleaning (if the dry cleaner is good, they may know this and actually launder it; many dry cleaners are honestly absurdly terrible, but the good ones are great). I was ready to trash a duvet over this once, but it’s honestly completely fine now. The duvet manufacturers often have good laundering advice as well.

      1. Oh. I just caught that it’s just a duvet cover? I really think it will be fine! I think of cat pee as easy to get out fabrics with the new enzyme cleaners.

    8. Thanks ladies! I know cat pee odor is notoriously hard to get out of fabrics, but I feel better after hearing your stories! I told them it was cat pee and asked if they’d use special chemicals for that, and they said they would, but it doesn’t say anything on the ticket indicating it gets a different kind of cleaning than a standard dry clean so I was a little worried! Maybe it’s indicated within their system!

      1. If you can still smell it, soak it in one of the enzyme cleaners. My kitty had a UTI and peed major on our bed, went through to the mattress. I poured an entire bottle of enzyme cleaner on it (gallon size) then let it dry (Yes it took like a week). You actually can’t smell anything anymore.

  2. I’m going to Savannah, GA for work and will have most of one day free. Any suggestions for what to see/where to shop and eat? I love history and architecture, so I’m planning to tour some historic houses. Open to all ideas, though.

    1. Collins Quarter has amazing food (all three meals) and is the downtown area. So, so good.

    3. Downtown is very compact and walkable. Broughton street has much of the shopping, although there are some cool boutiques and antiques stores scattered around. Jones street is a beautiful street to walk down. Read about the statues in the various squares. River street is worth a look bc it is cool to be so close to the giant cargo ships and to see the old buildings, but not notable for shopping or dining.
      For eats, Collins Quarter is good, but dinner isn’t their strong suit. The Grey, Pink House, Circa 1875, East End Provisions, Emporium, and Prohibition are worth a look. Crystal Beer Parlor is a fun casual choice as are Treylor Park and Hitch. Rocks on the Roof is a nice river view for drinks, Peregrin at Perry Lane hotel is the hot rooftop bar in the city right now.

    1. Yeah, I love the look, but it doesn’t look great on me. I’m busty, so it’s rare that the two sides sit correctly across the girls, and this style makes me look bulky around the middle. Also oddly like a crew member of the original Star Trek, but I don’t know why that happens.

    3. Oh, I love this. Wrap tops generally look great on me and I feel very polished in them with dark straight-leg or ankle pants. I’m more of a pear shape and am fairly small-chested FWIW.

    4. I’m not even busty, just short waisted and…it just doesn’t work.

      I think the heather gray + knit makes it feel really casual. A different fabric (drapey, rayon?) might have been better.

  4. Breakfast inspiration help! Must be protein/fat heavy, little to no carbs. Must freeze well (I make everything on the weekend). I’ve been making egg cup variations in muffin tins, an egg/sausage/cheese casserole, and a breakfast chili that I saw recommended here. They’re all good but I’m bored. Suggestions?

    1. I make plain yogurt with a few walnuts and cut up banana. You could axe the fruit if you wanted less carbs, but I find it’s great to add fiber and flavor the yogurt.

    2. I usually do sous vide egg bites (homemade or starbucks) or a protein shake (which is carb-y). But, please give me your breakfast chili recipe!

      2. Do you have a recipe for homemade sous vide egg bites to share? I love the starbucks ones!

    3. I like plain full fat yogurt with granola.

      I make the granola myself: 2 cups coconut flakes, 6 cups nuts (I use peanuts, pecans, and almonds, but use whatever you want), 1/3 cup vegetable oil, 1/3 cup maple syrup (or honey or sugar or whatever), salt, cinnamon, and vanilla. Bake at 300 for 10 minutes or so. I keep it in a tupperware in the cabinet, no need to refrigerate or freeze. You don’t have to sweeten it at all if you don’t want to, but I’ve tried it that way and didn’t like it.

      1. Not a commercial, I promise: I just tried a new yogurt this morning and I loved it. I am picky re: my yogurts…novel to follow.

        The one I tried and loved was YQ by Yoplai t; plain–no flavor–and a 5.3 oz container is 110 calories, 1g sugar, 17g protein, and 3g fat .

        Yogurt background: I despise most yogurt for being too sweet, too runny, too tart, or too chalky (I cannot stand greek yogurt). My ideal “yogurt” is labne, which is almost never sold in single servings or even in my grocery store.

    4. Cottage cheese fit the bill. I usually just put black pepper and cayenne on it for a kick. You could add one or more of nuts/seeds/fruit/honey.

    5. As it gets colder consider soups! There’s a great keto-friendly Zuppa Toscana look alike with Italian sausage, cauliflower and heavy cream.

    6. I like full fat yogurt, but I’m intrigued by breakfast chili! Tell me more about that!

      1. I posted a link upthread! It’s a little cumbersome to make but it freezes well.

  5. What are your favorite everyday eye shadow palettes for the office? Or if you prefer singletons, fav singleton?

    1. I got one of the Tarte Rainforest of the Sea or something like that palettes in a subscription box. It’s been really versatile and it’s now my favorite travel palette. I use the lighter colors for work/daytime and the darker colors for going out.

      1. Wet N Wild shadows are fantastic for the price. My workday staple palette is Sweet as Candy.

    3. I have a Clinique neutrals palette that is a mix of mattes and shimmers/satins. About 8 or 9 shades, I think, but it’s a slim palette. I got it a few years ago, so no idea if it’s still available, but would be worth looking into!

    4. The Urban Decay Naked Basics are all great. I’m using the Petite Heat one right now because I’m on a warm shadow kick, but the original is a more neutral choice. They’re small enough to take with you and have a great mirror.

      1. As a fan of the original, I am sorry to see the first UD Naked palette go. It took work to find a duplicate for one of the shadows UD does not sell individually.

      1. Anastasia Soft Glam is fabulous. It’s neutral-but-better and while there are some shimmery shades, nothing is too glittery for daytime. Great pigmentation, so it can go day to night, sheer to saturated, depending on what you want.

        1. Yes! I LOVE this set and use it almost every day. I’m an eye shadow addict and have lots of different ones, but the Soft Glam gets used all the time and the others are being ignored. If I had to have just one eyeshadow kit, it would be this one.

    6. I have all kinds of neutral and basic palettes but the thing I actually use reliably is Laura Mercier Eye Basics, which is technically a primer. It comes in a tube like a lip gloss and is easy to dab on with my finger when I’m in a rush. I have it in Buff, which is a nice peachy pearly shade and looks good on its own or with brown eyeliner.

      1. I like Bobbi Brown because you can get single colors. Palettes always feel like a waste of money.

    8. The Milani Everyday Eyes palette in Must Have Naturals. I use the second from the left shade all over my lid, and the fourth from the left in the crease.

    9. Elf’s matte eye shadow palette in nude mood is my everyday. its only $10. :D I also have the chocolate bar from too faced and I love it.

  6. Hello, Hive! My family is coming into town this weekend and staying with me. I don’t have a real guest room, but I have a couch and an air mattress. (Let’s not get into why they aren’t staying in a hotel. It’s A Whole Thing.) Even with these limitations, how can I make my home feel welcoming? I don’t have many overnight guests and I’m not sure how best to make people feel at home.
    If details help, the air mattress will be in my home office, which has a private full bath, and the couch is in my living room, which has a less private half-bath.

    1. -Give them clean, fluffy towels (you think this would be a no brainer, but I’ve stayed with quite a few friends where I got handed a very grimy looking towel – it may have been clean but it was certainly worn and looked gross).
      -Give them the wifi name and password
      -Have coffee available if they drink it

      Generally, if you want to be a good hostess you will be. It’s the people that don’t care at all that make bad hosts.

      1. This, plus I like to ask what they would prefer for breakfast, and buy some of that if it’s not something I have. Cereal doesn’t cost much, so even though I don’t eat it myself I’m happy to buy a box for guests if they want it.

      2. Yes, good towels are so important when you have guests! Clean, soft, fluffy, no stains or mysterious odors, your guest towels should be your best towels. And make sure they have somewhere to hang their towels when they’re done.

    2. I dunno, if you want to encourage them to stay in a hotel during future visits, I wouldn’t make it too welcoming.

      1. Unless you really don’t get along with your family, this mentality is unfathomable to me. They are family. You can manage to host them for a few days in your home, it’s not a big deal. My parents would never stay in a hotel either — they would rather sleep on the floor of my living room than do that. It’s considered the height of rudeness in many cultures to house family in a hotel.

        1. I do have to chuckle when I see these threads with people freaking out about hosting family for a few days. My family comes and stay with me…for months, literally. To the OP, everyone else’s advice is good, but bottom line, don’t try to make everything perfect and take their help if they offer.

          1. + 1 YES!

            Indian family, hosting in-laws for now 5 months plus….granted, they’re super helpful so I can’t complain.

        2. It was a bit tongue in cheek. We’re currently camped out in an air mattress on the living room (with the very annoying cat) because my parents are in our bedroom. It’s a bit awkward but definitely doable but would be harder depending on family dynamics / numbers. Parents – fine, brother and sister in law and their 4 kids, nope!

        3. “It’s considered the height of rudeness in many cultures to house family in a hotel.” Totally valid. But maybe not in OP’s, or in her family’s culture, or in her family’s norms. Shrug. We’re not all the same, all families operate differently and have different norms. I don’t love my parents any less if I’d rather have them stay in a hotel around the block from my place than camp out in my 1br apartment with my two dogs, or if they’d rather have privacy of a bathroom, bedroom, and quiet retreat space away from us. It’s fine. Good for her, not for me.

      2. I’m totally with you, Cb. I love my family, but I don’t want them staying in my space. My parents would also rather sleep on my living room floor than stay in a hotel, it drives me crazy.

        1. My parents are fine although sleeping on the air mattress is getting old – they’re with us at the moment and my mom makes breakfast and packs lunches and my dad helps me wrangle my toddler into his clothes each morning but my in-laws may be tougher – very noise sensitive, bad backs, MIL2 is incredibly grumpy in the am.

      3. I live in an area a lot of people want to visit. I don’t have space in my home for a dedicated guest room, so people tend to only stay with me for a couple of days at most, which I find perfect.

        I used to make my daughter give up her bedroom for guests but my last houseguest totally took advantage of that/us and stayed longer than she’d originally told us, so that policy has officially ended.

        Guests can sleep on the couch. My husband’s and my parents are deceased so we’re not talking about the elderly or infirm here.

    3. – Let me know they should make themselves at home and help themselves to what is in the kitchen. Point out where breakfast food is, cereal, coffee/tea in case they wake up earlier than you in the morning.

      – Give them towels and a bar of soap or liquid body soap

      – Make sure your home is clean, esp. bathroom and kitchen. Run the vacuum if you have carpet.

      Assuming you get along with your family, it’s really nice that you’re hosting them and I hope you all had a great time.

    4. If they drink coffee, set up the coffeemaker the night before so all they have to do is press “brew.” Set out mugs, spoons, and the sugar bowl, and show them where the cream is.

    5. Bathrooms: towels/washcloths/hand towels. Box of tissues in each. Extra TP under the sink (or tell them where to find it). Trash can and hand soap in each bathroom. In the full bath, shampoo, conditioner, soap/body wash, and a hair dryer if any of your guests need it. A bottle of lotion if you have one on hand. I usually also put out a travel tube of toothpaste just in case.

      Sleeping spaces: clean linens/pillows (or let them know where to find them), “bed” already made if possible – not sure if your couch is a pull out.

      Kitchen: if there’s anything you don’t want them to use, put it as out of sight as you can. Put some snacks, breakfast foods, tea, and whatever else they really like in a little basket on the counter – hopefully will prevent them from going through your kitchen. Anything they might need in the fridge – put it right in front – again to prevent rifling through your stuff. (If you can’t tell, my mother will completely rearrange everything in my kitchen if left to her own devices.)

      Let them know where to put dirty towels/linens and where to get clean ones – just in case.

    6. Here’s what I do:
      – put fresh flowers (from the grocery store) in rooms where guests are staying
      – fill a basket with toiletry/beauty samples in the guest bathrooms
      – provide a bedside lamp if possible, so guests don’t have to navigate an unfamiliar room after turning off overhead light
      – stack a few books near beds for nighttime reading. Short story anthologies are a great choice.
      – stock fridge with things I know they use, that I don’t typically have on hand (like coffee creamer)

    7. Basically I try to arrange things so no one has to ask me for anything. I make sure that there are two towels per person. I save travel sized toiletries from my travels and put them out in a little basket in the bathroom. I make sure there’s extra toilet paper in an easy to find location. I put the coffee condiments in a visible place and get the coffee pot ready to brew the night before. I keep a full pitcher of cold water in the fridge. I also make sure everyone has ready access to more blankets they can possibly need. My guest room didn’t have a ceiling fan, so I have a small table top one there too.

      1. I do the fresh fluffy towels, I buy cream for their cofee, I keep a nightlight in the kitchen and bathroom, and I give them options to be less hot OR cold at night. So a fan, a heater, an extra quilt or blanket, and a couple extra pillows of different firmness.

  7. Did you tell the dry cleaner what it was? It’s important that they know how to treat certain stains because sometimes it won’t come out (especially pee). But I’m sure it’ll be fine. Good for you for fostering. I wish more people did it. We foster dogs and it’s the best feeling to know we’re giving a living creature a chance at a better life.

  8. I’m trying to streamline my makeup routine. On my eyebrows, I use brow powder and brow gel. Is there a product that does both? It seems like Glossier’s Boy Brow might, but I don’t know if I want to pay that much and pay for shipping. Ideas?

    1. Benefit’s Gimme Brow is like a tinted brow gel. If you want more coverage, you’re looking for a pomade. Both Benefit and Anastasia have good products.

    2. Benefit makes a tinted brow gel called gimmie brow that is my go to for days that I am going for 2 minutes and out the door. If you have an Ulta or Sephora nearby you can check out shades. I think NYX makes a similar product on the drugstore side, but I’ve stuck with the tried and true.

    3. I like Maybelline’s brow precise fiber volumizing eyebrow gel. It has some fibers to fill in, but it doesn’t create caterpillar brows. For me it’s my brows better, in one swipe. I will note that it can go on too thick, but another once over with the paddle and its fine — kind of like mascara.

    4. I use the Benefit Gimme Brow and it seems pretty similar to Boy Brow (I have never used Boy Brow). You could get it at Ulta/Sephora and see what you think.

    5. I used to use brow pencil, but switched to brow mascara because it lasts longer without adding any steps to application. I’ve used both Boy Brow and the Nyx brow mascara, and other than the fact that they’re a different color can’t tell any difference in quality between the two.

    6. Do you get your eyebrows waxed? If so, you could ask them about getting your brows dyed. I’ve done it before … very gentle, very natural looking – it’s the same effect I’d get using Boy Brow, but better. If you are doing a lot of filling in/drawing with the brow pencil, you may still want to keep that step, but if you’re just trying to darken/emphasize what’s already there, it may be a good option.

    7. boy brow won’t give you coverage if you’re sparse. it also smudges if you’re sweaty.

    8. I have tried both the NYX tinted brow mascara and the Maybelline brow precise fiber volumizer.

      The maybelline one has fibers in it and will do more to fill in sparseness. I really dislike the weird plastic applicator though. Definitely wipe off excess with a tissue before attempting to brow.

      the NYX one is just a tinted gel and I prefer it. Has a standard spoolie applicator, it doesn’t smudge when I get sweaty, and it’s a very subtle improvement over nature, which is my preferred result from makeup.

  9. Looking for help in assertiveness and setting boundaries- at work and personal relationships. Books, websites, YouTube all welcome! I’ve realized that my personality type is such that I feel blessed and fortunate to have so much, and I bend over backward to accommodate others that I feel I should share with(in terms of my time, money, priorities etc). But while natural generosity is nice it can go too far into being taken advantage of, and walked all over. I need some help finding the line- and with some established relationships that I want to continue (yes, DH) , I need help pushing that line back!

    1. Oh, and this does go way beyond DH. My work structure is changing and I’ll be reporting to a guy who is a known bully, and I need to Woman-up. I’m weirdly looking forward to it as a life learning experience. It’s been a good/bad character trait my whole life and I need to tweak it.

    2. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I think the best thing women can do for themselves is to have women friends who also stand up for themselves. We all grew up in this patriarchal society that has taught us to not rock the boat. We’ve all internalized biases against assertive women… some more than others. If all of your friends are telling you, no you should never have any boundaries because you should be a martyr for literally everything in your life, then no book or podcast or therapist is going to convince you otherwise. Surround yourself with other strong, assertive, independent women and you will find it much easier to set appropriate boundaries.

    3. I like reading Carolyn Hax (advice columnist) for assertiveness with compassion (for both yourself and the person you are talking to) and also Ask a Manager (podcast and blog) for scripts for the workplace. Not neccessarily a “How to” on assertiveness, but useful because I often see myself I. The situations their readers write to them about.

    4. The advice website Captain Awkward is a great resource for this. Setting boundaries is a huge focus of hers.

  10. Loft has lots of wrap tops in their new plus size line. I bought two and remembered why I like wrap tops.

  11. I have seen a few mentions on here recently of kindergartners (or even preschoolers) getting homework. Is that a thing now? Is that public school or private? I’m on the fence about having kids, but if I do have them, I really want them to have proper childhoods. In Europe, many countries don’t do homework until third grade or later, which I fully support and would want for my own kids. I don’t really have the money for private school, but is this homework thing becoming the norm in public schools in the U.S.? Can parents opt out?

    1. My kiddo is little so we haven’t faced the homework problem yet (and we’re in the UK where homework in early years is less of a thing) but I think you can opt out. I listened to a podcast and the host discussed her family’s approach to homework.

      1. There was a thread about this on the moms page a few days ago. Yes, many schools do give homework at this young age but evidently you can opt out and just say no.

          1. Of course you can. They’re not going to fail your elementary school aged child for not completing their homework.

          3. And even if they do not fail them, many of the teachers will publicly shame them for not bringing in their homework. Being moved from the green smiley face to the yellow straight face (or even worse the red frown face) is a big deal when you are five.

            That is particularly frustrating when the “homework” entails getting a parent’s signature on something. Because signing your 1st graders’s spelling test (on which she got a perfect score) is really something I want to deal with when I am coming him for dinner/bedtime and then working until midnight!

          4. Actually public schools absolutely will fail a Kindergartner for not completing homework and make them do the grade over. If a school will arrest a parent for a child missing too much school they will fail a Kindergartener.

    2. I don’t get this. I feel like wanting kids to not have homework is like asking for underachievers. i had homework in kindergarten, and I would want that for my children. I’ve heard of enough schools that are not enthusiastic about homework for young kids, so I’m sure you can find one. I doubt you can opt out if your kids are in a school that does it though

      1. You definitely can opt out, but I think it’s really sad that parents do. I agree with you that it’s sending a message to kids that fun is more important than school, and I wouldn’t want to tell my kid it’s ok to goof off and ignore homework. Not because homework in K is actually important, but homework in middle school and highschool is and you don’t want to set a bad precedent.

        1. Homework that’s not important will never become important. My parents always supported us in opting out of poorly designed busywork assignments so we could focus on energies on what would actually matter either to learning or to college admissions, scholarships, and other targeted goals. You just have to be careful, since skipping enough homework can lead to skipping grades and graduating early–school wastes a lot of time in general.

      2. But there is no evidence homework at such young ages helps children, while there is plenty of evidence that focusing on age-appropriate play and socialization in the younger grades does. That’s what the focus should be if you care about future achievement.

        1. LOL yes. It’s not that kindergartners need to do homework or they’ll be behind other kids, but if you tell your kids “you don’t have to do assigned homework” why would they want to do it once they’re in high school? If you tell your children that homework isn’t important and they don’t have to do it, you’re absolutely asking for kids that don’t value school and will blow it off for sports or friends or whatever else they want to do at the moment.

          1. because in high school they are 15 not 5.

            We don’t treat little kids like high schoolers in other areas and we should stop doing it for homework. It’s the opposite of helpful to their education if they learn to hate/resent school early on.

            No wonder we have an obesity epidemic if people think homework for little kids is more important than an hour of phyiscal activity outside.

          2. I assume you’re the Anon at 10:09 and you don’t have children. If I’m correct, you have no idea what you’re talking about.

          3. Homework and free play or physical activity aren’t mutually exclusive. I want my kindergartner to do 15 minutes of homework and then have free play. That’s not going to make her obese or thwart creativity.

          4. I’m the anon at 10:25. I’m not the person who posted at 10:09. And yes I have two children in elementary school who do their assigned homework. School is very important to our family and we take it seriously. They have to do homework before playing with friends (but they generally have plenty of time for that too). We also don’t pull our children out of school for vacation, which I realize lots of people do.

          5. Yeah, my mom exercised her best judgment on homework and travel. We did take vacation during the school year. School was very important to us as well – and she raised 4 extremely successful children. I’m so glad she taught me how to think critically about what’s important and not just follow instructions blindly.

          6. “Doing what you’re told because you were told and for no other reason” feels like 60s parenting to me. Is that really where we are now?

      4. There’s literally no research based evidence that demonstrates that homework makes a difference before grade 6. Only reading to/with a child for a few minutes each night has been shown to make any difference in student achievement.

        The best rated school systems in the world, e.g. Finland, do not being formal schooling until age 6 and do not teach reading until age 7.

        1. I don’t think Finland is doing anything wrong and if a teacher didn’t assign homework I wouldn’t make up fake homework for my child to do. But I believe in teaching children that doing assigned school work is important, and teachers should be obeyed (except in extreme circumstances). I would never dream of telling my child “Ms. X assigned homework, but whatever, you don’t have to do it, go play outside.” To me, that’s teaching a child a very bad value that school is not important and what their teacher says doesn’t have to be followed. And yes, I think that a value instilled at age 5 can still be an issue at age 15.

          1. We have “opted out” of some kindergarten homework but we discussed with the teacher first, who was totally supportive. In our case, she explained to us that she saw those materials as optional and primarily to help parents who might not do the same sort of enrichment activities that we do regularly with our child, like reading together every day and at bedtime, talking about numbers, simple math, and the scientific methods in everyday situations, etc. Of course, this might not have been the case – I can’t say how we would have reacted if we felt the teacher unreasonably insisted on something onerous, but I generally assume teachers have good reasons for doing the things that they do.

            Anyway, I post only to say that the first step if you’re concerned about school or homework is to actually talk to the teacher about it. We do consider our child’s education to be a collaborative effort, we absolutely respect her teacher and teach our daughter that school is important, and no, we did not color in every single day on the homework calendar in kindergarten.

          2. At my kid’s school they explicitly told us, there’s no evidence homework helps improve skills, it’s not the parent’s responsibility, it should be the kid’s. I liked the routine of sitting down with it every evening (starting in 1st grade) but absolutely thought sometimes other things were more important. A 5 year old who’s been in school for 6 hours just really needs downtime, and sleep, in order to actually be functioning and learning the next day. But signing the test is not about the kid, it’s about keeping parents involved in how their kids are doing… the kid absolutely should not be punished for not having it, but parents should also be trying to check the kid’s backpack every night just to keep an eye on things.

        2. Exactly. I find this thread so nuts. No, elementary school homework is not necessary for future success. I went to an alternative elementary school in the U.S. that believed in a more European, play-based model, and I had no homework or tests of any kind (except required state-wide ones) until I went to middle school. Still killed the SATs, graduated at the top of my high school class, and went to HYP undergrad followed by a top law school, fed clerkship, and V5 firm. I achieved these things in part because I went to an elementary school that fostered (instead of trampling!) a lifelong love of learning. I realize that I was insanely lucky that my parents had that option (in a public school in the U.S., no less!!) and I feel so bad for those who don’t. Little kids don’t need homework!!!!

          1. OP here – that’s how I feel exactly. I want to foster a love of learning and have time for family, play, and other things, but I just don’t see any evidence suggesting that worksheets below the age of 7 help with that. I’m not worried my kid will grow up to be some lazy slacker, but I am worried he or she could end up with behavioral challenges or an ADHD diagnosis.

          2. People aren’t saying young kids “need homework” – they’re saying kids need to do work assigned to them by a teacher. Those two statements are very different. I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with play-based schools that don’t assign homework and would even consider sending my child to one if it were an option, but if homework is assigned, I don’t want to tell my child not to do it. Do you see the difference?

          3. I teach, and I find it more frustrating to work with students who have been taught to be obedient and “respectful” than with students who treat me politely but who critically engage in what I’m teaching. The obedient students always do their homework, but they sometimes make odd mistakes because they do it by rote. They are never the ones who notice if the assignment sheet or text has an error–or if something I’m teaching contradicts something else they already think. I imagine when they enter the workplace they will continue to follow instructions well–and drive their supervisors crazy for needing so much instruction and not applying a little common sense.

          4. WTF, OP. Homework in kindergarten has absolutely NO bearing on whether or not a child will have ADHD. It’s an actual chemical imbalance, and it’s insulting to suggest that it has anything to do with the development of a work ethic.

          5. Anon who thinks opting out of homework leads to ADHD … what the everloving eff are you talking about? Are you one of those obnoxious people who thinks ADHD isn’t a real thing or evidence of “bad parenting”?

          6. OP – I don’t believe ADHD is a sham diagnosis. My spouse has ADHD, as do a few of my friends. I do, however, trust the evidence that says that ADHD may be overdiagnosed in young children and that lack of free play can contribute to behavioral problems. I should have been more clear in my original post.

        3. THANK YOU – I hate the insinuation that if you don’t force kindergartners to every little piece of homework, then they (and you) don’t take school seriously.

          Do you know what has been the single most important thing for my career? Recognizing the work that matters and focusing on that, and ignoring the make work.

          People will impose all sorts of nonsense expectations on you that don’t help you or the cause in any way. I want my kids to understand that.

      5. That is ridiculous. Read the research. Homework does more harm than good. Teachers over assign homework because parents like you expect it / use it as a sign that the school is being appropriately tough on their kids, but the evidence does not support it.

        1. Yes, but if the homework consists of getting the parents to sign a completed spelling test, this is different. This is a teacher trying to ensure that all the kids have parents who are involved in their child’s education. This is something that takes two minutes. Some parents will naturally talk to their kids about school, but others never check in – by telling a kid their homework is getting a signature this pretty much guarantees that the parents will be aware of how their child is learning.

      6. a) homework takes like 30 minutes in 2nd grade and b) I consider it more a lesson in work ethic and “how to study” than whatever spelling words they’ve got.

        1. I only have an hour with my kid in the evenings and I’m not spending half of it making him trace the letters on a sheet. He’s five. He does not need a lesson in “how to study.” He needs to play and spend time with his family.

          I do not tell him “Teacher assigned homework but whateves, just ignore her!” I have a conversation with his teacher at the beginning of the year that we have limited family time together and want to spend that time with each other and not on homework. When I have that conversation, I bring with me two studies that support my view that homework before Grade 6 is not beneficial. I have done this for two kids now and have had no problems.

        2. except that the research indicates you are wasting your time and it doesn’t matter. There is no research showing a positive effect of homework before grade 6.

      7. FWIW, I never had any homework until middle school (7th grade) because I went to a Montessori school and homework was not a thing. I turned out just fine (went to Stanford) and had no problem adjusting to homework in middle and high school.

    3. In my experience kindergarten homework is a worksheet a week. I considered it a chance to get in the habit of doing homework and a way for me to stay in tune with what he was learning in school. If you really object to it, I don’t think they’d fail a child for not doing homework at that age, but kids can totally have a proper childhood even if they have to do kindergarten worksheets.

      1. THIS (re the habit of doing homework)! I also think a lot of kids are starting kindergarten later for the reasons you — my kid is one of the youngest (September birthday) and he has kids a full 18 months older than him in his class.

    4. Our public school gives ten minutes of homework per grade (so 10 minutes in 1st grade, 30 minutes in 3rd grade etc). I think in kindergarten they’re supposed to have ~30 minutes/week, plus time spent reading with parents. It seems totally reasonable to me. Maybe I’m a tiger mom, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a 5 or 6 year old having to sit down and concentrate on school work for 5-10 minutes every evening. Hours and hours would obviously be inappropriate but I don’t think 15 or even 30 minutes in any way interferes with having a “proper childhood.”

      Frankly, I think all the organized sports and activities that kids do today are a way bigger impediment to the relaxed, run-around-the-neighborhood-with-your-friends childhood that I had, because these are a MUCH bigger time commitment than the little bit of homework they get assigned in lower elementary. I know 5 year olds that spend upwards of 10 hours/week at sports practice.

    5. I wouldn’t let this factor into a decision to have kids. By the time your kids are old enough to be in kindergarten the system could be totally different

      1. This. Kindergarten homework is not a reason to have or not to have children.

        And yes, kindergarten homework is a thing, but it varies from school to school and from teacher to teacher. The current “teach to the test” and “drill and kill” mentality encourages a lot of busywork in the early grades in many schools, but who knows what it will be like 5+ years from now or in your local school.

      2. Yeah this is… a really odd thing to think about in deciding whether to have kids. Like if you’re thinking about it in this much detail then it probably means you kinda want them, no?

        1. OP here. I read a blog post about a mom battling her crying five year old to do worksheets and it just sounded terrible. There is already so much work involved in being a parent and that sounded like a terrible unnecessary battle. I’m probably overthinking it, but I want to really make a reasoned decision about whether I want kids and whether I could hang with social and school expectations.

          1. School expectations vary significantly and even within schools it varies by teacher. This should not be a factor in determining if you have kids or not.

            Social expectations similarly vary significantly. Pretty much no matter what choices you make as a mother, someone will judge you for it. Not caring and finding a supportive community (c-moms is good) helps a lot.

          2. I will let you in on a secret: parenting really is terrible much of the time. You do not become a parent because it is fun. Even if your kindergartener has zero homework, there will be battles about something at some point. Putting on shoes, washing hair, going to bed, staying in bed … And it doesn’t end when they get older, the subject matter of the battles just changes. I have a wonderful, happy, loving child with no behavioral or developmental issues, and parenting is still a challenge. Daily life as a parent is an exhausting slog, and there’s just no way around it. You do it because the benefits make the challenges worthwhile.

            That said, daily homework battles in kindergarten signal a problem. The parent should be meeting with the teacher.

          3. So, if a mom is battling a five year old to do worksheets, something is definitely not right. If I were battling a 5-year-old over homework everyday, I’d reach out to the teacher and try to work together toward a solution. I wouldn’t tell my kid, “Nope, ignore what the teacher says, you don’t have to do your homework,” but I would hope to reach some resolution with the teacher.

          4. Right, Anon 10:55. If you’re not battling your kid about homework, you’ll be battling her about whether she can wear her rainboots to school when it’s 95 degrees out, or because you told her not to run around the house holding a mirror, or whatever.

            My kid’s school (preschool) gives “Car Talk” assignments, like, “look for the number 3 on the drive home” or “talk about which animals fly and which animals swim” and I love them because they give us something to do on the ride home, BUT Kiddo has too much of me in her, and she’ll get really upset if she forgets to do them, and wail about her “signment” and … sigh… I know I’m going to have to help her through that as she gets older and school gets more real.

          5. Do you have children? We battled with our 5 year old to do worksheets but if you had told me in advance I would not have believed it. Our first grader was taking timed tests on math facts, which was fun, too.

            From my perspective, the expectations of schools have changed tremendously since I was there. I’m 48, grew up in what was considered to be a terrific suburban public school, took AP Classes and still had time for a part-time job and social life while enjoying a reasonable weekday bedtime. My high school student has an oppressive amount of work to do. I honestly think the workload of college could possibly be a relief. It will be interesting.

      3. Actually you should. A big part of why I didn’t have kids is I don’t like the way they’re raised today and the climate of parenting. You can say you can opt out but that’s not realistic. This is just one of many data points of modern parenting.

    6. I have a love/hate relationship with my kid’s homework in 2nd grade. In the grand scheme of things, it’s not that much. Read for 20 minutes a book of your choice, do one page of math homework that takes maybe 5 minutes, study some spelling words. I really can’t argue with encouraging a child to read and helping them read better by knowing how to spell. And they teach math differently these days so seeing the worksheets helps the parents be more familiar with the concepts. We get parent guides for each math unit as well. What I hate is that an 8 year old can stretch out this homework thing for an hour if they are in a mood, but that’s just how they can be about everything. Homework in K was optional and first grade was fairly light as well, although they did want them to develop the routine. As reference, my kid is in an academically competitive private school that emphasizes both hands-on experiential learning as well as more traditional strategies along with plenty of time for arts and movement and free play. Most of the kids also have time for activities after school and on the weekends such as sports, scouts, art, etc. I don’t see homework as being a bar to a balanced childhood.

    7. Suburban midwest public school system: Kindergarten homework was “read 15 minutes a day” (which we’ve always done anyway), and a weekly book response where the kid has to respond to prompt with a picture or writing – the prompt increases in difficulty over time, so started with “draw your favorite scene from the book” -> years later “is the book fiction or nonfiction? How did you reach that conclusion?”
      1st grade: read 15 mins + a (5-10 min) worksheet 3 times a week + weekly book response
      2nd grade: read 15 mins + 2 worksheets 3-4 days per week (each takes maybe 5 minutes to do) + weekly book response.
      We haven’t opted out of it, and my kid happily does his homework without prompting (often on the bus home to maximize playing time). My younger kid’s daycare did give worksheets to 3-4 year olds, which we were just slackers about doing and didn’t really get any grief about (so let’s call that “lazy opt-out”).
      agree with others – this isn’t a “don’t have kids over” issue. if you have kids, at some point they will have homework. It will most likely be relatively developmentally appropriate, and you’ll also have an opportunity to decide how much you want to push it or push back at the school if it’s too much.

    8. I have a first grader, and she had homework last year and has it this year. But, it’s minimal and she gets plenty of time to complete it. Last year she had a couple worksheets to do each week, which were handed out on Wednesdays and due the following Wednesday. That was nice because she had time over the weekend to work on it. This year, it’s usually a half page worksheet of math and a half page worksheet of reading/English concepts and then she has a workbook in which she has to draw a picture and write 3 sentences about the picture. And homework is handed out on Mondays and due on Thursday.

    9. My 6 year old goes to public school in a DC suburb. Last year in kindergarten she had 20 mins of reading, a discussion question, and language homework (she is in a language immersion program.) The rare nights we did it all, it took about an hour, not including the 15-20 mins of crying and tantrums. Once in a while she would have special projects. At some point in the year, I realized that no one was checking her homework and just tried to at least do the reading and language stuff. Also- our school district doesn’t give out real grades at that age; it is all “demonstrating” or “in progress” on the report card. So my motivation to have us all suffer through the homework was pretty low- though coming from a family where good grades were paramount, I did feel a little guilty.
      Having said that, though, I think it all depends on the school. My daughter is in a new school now for first grade, and they haven’t had homework yet. My friend says her kids’ school told them explicitly that there would be no homework in first grade.
      Also- I agree with 10:15- this is not a reason not to have kids.

      1. See, this is what sounds terrible. Let’s say everyone in the family gets home from work and daycare by 6 pm (a wildly optimistic guess in my area) and your kid goes to bed at 8. You have exactly two hours to cook, eat dinner together, have bathtime, and read before bed – not including any outdoor playtime, other chores, or anything else. How is it even possible to fit in an hour of forcing a young child to suffer through worksheets? They’re throwing tantrums for a reason. I’m glad your daughter is in a new school.

        1. With the caveat that I did not have homework in kindergarten, when I was growing up, my after care programs had a designated study time and had teachers available to help us with homework. So by the time I got picked up at 5:30, I was done with homework.

          In college I was an after-school nanny for a 1st grader and 4th grader. Both had some homework and reading time. The kids got off the bus, had a snack, and did their homework before play time or screen time, and well before their parents got home.

          So even if there is daily homework, there are often childcare options to get it done before everyone is exhausted and rushing to eat dinner and get ready for bed. You are correct that starting homework after a long day of school plus daycare between 6 pm and 8 pm seems like a recipe for disaster. If that was my only option, I’d try to work with the teacher on something like having weekly homework assignments so my kid could do it on the weekends.

          1. SC, re your first paragraph, I’d say that depends a lotttttttt on the aftercare program and the teachers. My son has come home from aftercare with “finished” homework, but when I look at it, he didn’t actually finish it and/or he did some problems incorrectly. The aftercare teachers aren’t academic teachers, so they aren’t really focused on what he’s doing with his homework, just that he has pencil to paper. We finally said, don’t worry about doing homework at aftercare, have fun and get some energy out, and we’ll tackle homework at home. For various reasons we don’t have a time crunch in the evenings, so it works out. But I shudder to think how it would be if we were on a really compressed schedule.

    10. I would not base my decision about whether to have kids on kindergarten/first grade homework. We’re talkign about reading for fifteen minutes and a brief math worksheet that takes the average kid about 5-10 minutes.
      In my experience, if your kid is average or above, k and 1st grade homework is about ten minutes a day 3 or 4 days a week. K has always been optional for us. But, it is helpful to reinforce stuff at home and to get a gauge on how they are doing with early reading/math skills. I have never found it to interfere with sports or outdoor playing. My first grade son would play outside and ride his bike all day, but he spends twenty minutes or so doing homework and reading. He is “behind” his peers with reading so much as I’d love him to do nothing but play, his academic success is also important to me.

    11. So overall, I didn’t want to tell me kids they didn’t have to do the work, but daily homework in grade school has been a pain point for my family. For homework for kids in K to be “good,” a parent or much older sibling really needs to oversee it. I was OK with it not being “good.” But kids, especially those in K, have trouble comprehending written instructions because they are just learning how to read, and my kids would cry out of frustration. It was very difficult for my husband or I to consistently work with them on a daily basis (and my kids have homework on a daily basis) due to work schedules (I am biglaw, my husband is in banking).

      When my twins were in K, I felt very fortunate that my oldest was 15 and he would gladly help them. But this was also a pain point, because he was in honors classes and varsity sports, and worked a part time job, so sometimes he would put off doing his homework until late night so he could go to practice or work, and then help them before they went to sleep. I considered hiring a tutor to relieve the time pressures, but that seemed totally insane to hire a tutor for kindergarteners. Now that they are better at reading, they can usually manage on their own with a spot check by one of us, or one of us being available to answer questions if they come up.
      The system dosn’t seem to be designed for two working parents.

  12. I want to buy some nice flannel sheets. Does anyone have recommendations for where to look?

  13. I recently came into possession of some old Waterford crystal that had been sitting in a cardboard box in a dusty attic. There is evidence of rat droppings in the box. Can I use the dishwasher to clean the crystal? I know you’re not supposed to in typical circumstances, but I’d like an effective and safe way to sanitize the pieces.

    3. I’d look at soaking in a 1:10 solution of bleach- google and check this is ok, but I think the abrasiveness of dishwater soap and heat of the dishwasher would be really bad. 1:10 bleach kills just about anything.

    4. I would hose down outside to start with to get any actual droppings off, then just handwash with very hot water with a dollop of bleach, then wash again with regular dishsoap, then dishwasher alone/top rack. My dishwasher does not seem to do a good job of getting old dusty film off, though, so in my mind a good handwashing would be more likely to result in a clean dish than the dishwasher would.

    5. Unless your dishwasher is a Miele, sanitize with diluted bleach mixture, then hand wash with soft implement (I like the foam stem washer that you sometimes find in stores with a skinny flute washer and a long decanter cleaner) using Restaurant Crystal Clean or Stem Shine. Hand dry with smooth microfiber drying cloth or floursack.

    6. I have two friends who started putting their Waterford Crystal goblets in the dishwasher over twenty years ago. No problems so far. I would probably stop the dishwasher on the super hot extended drying cycle and let them drip dry.

    7. I would certainly use properly diluted bleach in this instance. Make sure your bleach is actually sanitizing bleach. A lot of the scented and splashless don’t actually sanitize.) Rat droppings are nothing to scoff at.

  14. Looks like our toddler in chief just couldn’t hold back on what he really thinks about Blasey Ford’s accusations. In the interest of making my rage at his misogny productive, I’m going to call my senators today and I urge all of you to do the same. There is no reason Kavanaugh needs to be confirmed on this faux-urgent schedule.

      1. You appear to be confused.

        This is not a criminal court proceeding. We are not in court.

        Don’t worry, your precious conservative judge will probably be confirmed. No need to drag down women everywhere just for the sake of it.

        1. +1 I keep hearing phrases like “due process” “reasonable doubt” etc. We are not talking about throwing this man in jail. We are talking about whether we as a country want to give him one of the highest, most important jobs in the land. For life. I think the bar for employment ought to be pretty high.

          1. Right?

            Like OMFG – can we please get a Supreme Court nominee who hasn’t assaulted someone? Is that too much to ask? and a President that doesn’t harass/assault people? What is going on that having highly qualified individuals in these positions is now a pipe dream?

          2. Yes, there are standards higher than “can’t be imprisoned over this at this time.” For heaven’s sake.

          3. I know. Then there are the people who say “but bad behavior in high school shouldn’t affect you later.” Um, no, if you try to rape someone in high school, it very much should affect the entire course of your life. Let’s not pretend Kavanaugh is suffering some great injustice here.

            I find that the people who make a game of doubting the woman always want men to get off consequence-free for committing crimes that will affect his life, but when it comes to something like unplanned pregnancy that will forever affect the woman’s life, it’s always “she should have known the consequences!” SO. MUCH. MISOGYNY.

    2. I mean he’s right. She’s had 36 years and now it’s suddenly such a huge issue for her?! Give me a break. She didn’t think about it for a second until he was announced as the nominee. And as for the poor her – she and her kids have had to relocate etc — uh what did you think was going to happen?? You weren’t forced to speak, you chose to so now enjoy paying for private security and moving.

      1. If you’re going to constantly troll these threads, can you at least get creative about it? What’s next, “she asked for it?” You are so tiresome and you can’t even be bothered to become amusing, so knock it off.

        1. I’m not the same person as the first responder so get it thru your head – more than 1 of us feels this way. Shocking I know. There are likely thousands of people who agree with us. It isn’t your way or the highway.

          1. Yeah, sure you’re not. We get it. You like to victim blame.

            Just think about this for a hot second:

            You/people like you: “I hope she enjoys being persecuted, she brought this upon herself by accusing him.”

            Also you/people like you: “Why didn’t she say something! I can’t understand why a woman wouldn’t make an accusation if it didn’t happen.”

          2. You definitely are the same person. At least mix up your writing style from time to time if you want your double posts to be more believable.

      3. So do you not believe all the men who’ve come foreward saying priests abused them 30 years ago? Or is it just that you dont believe women?

      4. So very Anon for this but… when I was in university, I got assaulted at a party. Forced into a bathroom stall and held against the door. I was able to get away before anything actually happened but it’s something that is a part of my life/history. I don’t talk about it but I’ve been feeling pretty upset the last few weeks hearing about the allegations against Kavanaugh. Not to mention that the guy is peripherally back in my life because he now works for my dad so I get to hear how great of a guy is he on a semi-regular basis.

        No one knows, I don’t talk about it anymore. I told some friends at the time but definitely don’t talk about it all the time. That said, if I knew that the guy was about to get confirmed for one of the most important positions in the country based on his character, I would want to say something.

        Real talk – I probably wouldn’t because I’m not brave enough or strong enough to put up with what Ford is getting on a daily basis but I understand exactly why she came forward now.

        1. I’m so sorry you went through this. If you ever do want to speak up, so many of us will support you. You are brave and strong no matter what though – you have to be to be a woman in this world.

        2. Not my business–but this seems like the sort of thing you would discuss with your dad and he would fire the effing sh!t out of him, hopefully while brandishing a weapon…

          I know life is more complicated than that but dam

          1. Yeah. I feel like you don’t even have to tell your dad the details – I know I could tell my dad “this guy did something really bad to me in high school’ and my dad would trust me that it was serious and not continue the relationship.

        3. As a young teen, I was abused/assaulted by a friend of my older brother. He was still a teen himself when it happened. I ended up telling my mother, who didn’t believe me and accused me of being dramatic (which ruined our relationship and left me with lifelong issues with trust).

          My abuser is still part of my brother’s circle of friends. I haven’t said anything over the years, because I have decided to practice forgiveness and empathy (he had a lot of problems at home), and hope that he has changed. It never seemed worth ruining his life over something that happened 25 years ago. I do cringe whenever I hear his name (luckily, I haven’t had to see him in person since my brother’s wedding 15 years ago).

          But if he were running for public office or being considered for a lifelong appointment where he could make decisions or cast votes that affected women’s autonomy over their bodies? You bet I would bring it up.

      5. He’s not right. First of all, there are many very good reasons that women don’t report things or file criminal charges. You are literally accepting the premise that because it wasn’t reported it isn’t true– i.e., that every assault is reported. You understand how stupid that sounds, right? You can’t really be that stupid, are you? It defies reality.

        “She’s had 36 years and now it’s suddenly such a huge issue for her?! Give me a break.”

        Well, you simpleton, it’s an issue because he wasn’t up for a Supreme Court spot until 36 years later.

        “She didn’t think about it for a second until he was announced as the nominee.”

        And you know this how, oh most omnipotent tr0ll?? You are also aware there are records of her discussing it with her therapist?

        “You weren’t forced to speak, you chose to so now enjoy paying for private security and moving.”

        Oh okay so you believe that it’s acceptable to bully and intimidate people into silence. Do you also just blame women when men r@pe them? Class act, you.

        Go away tr0lls. Kat, why do you allow this?

      6. It took her 36 years* to gather the courage to face this kind of reaction from people.

        *Actually, if you’ve been paying attention to the news, it didn’t take her this long to say something.

  15. Woke up to find that my AirBnB reservation for my London trip was cancelled. Thinking of doing a hotel instead. Anyone have any good recommendations? Thinking $250 or so a night. TIA!

    1. We paid about that for the Ampersand right across from the South Kensington tube stop recently, and really liked it.

    2. We had a similar situation arise just before leaving for London and stayed at a branch of the Citadines chain because we really wanted a kitchen (traveling with a toddler). It worked out great. The one we stayed in was near the British museum. Should be in your price range.

      2. +1 I think this is the citadine holborn, which was a great location and also close to the national gallery.

    3. We stayed at the Dukes per a recommendation from here and loved it. Great Mayfair location, the bar is to die for, walking distance to pretty much everything. Oh, and the martini bar!!!!

      1. Whoops, just re-read and saw you were looking for a hotel. We ALSO got cancelled on in London, and leveraged the Airbnb credit into this property. Because the units are run by a central management group, we didn’t have the same apprehension about a possible last minute scramble.

  16. Just wanted to share… I’ve been a faithful r e t t e reader for the past couple of months and I’m already indoctrinated — yesterday I correctly identified my professor’s dress as an MM LaFleur Etsuko!! (noticed and then googled it to check) Never would have known that 3 months ago!

    Love this community :)

  17. Mud room help. Due to all the sports equipment (cleats, shin guards mainly) my mud room is beginning to smell like a locker room. I’ve never really used an air freshener but I suspect I need something like that. There’s no where else for this stuff to go so that’s out. Any reccs for a product to make it smell more normal but not like a perfumey air freshener?

    1. The magic sports gear blend:
      In a Spray bottle combine 1/2 hydrogen peroxide and 1/2 wintergreen rubbing alcohol. Spray equipment lightly, then lightly spray the room. It will smell like a dentist office for a few minutes, then smells all gone!

      2. Tried this last night. The “dentist office” smell was actually quite pleasant! (And the “feet” smell was completely gone!)

        Thank you Momof2!

    2. An air filtration device with a charcoal filter. Febreze used to make a cheap plug-in one that worked great on pet and diaper odors.

    3. If you haven’t already, start by treating the gear itself. We got some anti-microbial/deodorizer spray for the sports equipment and that seems to help, as does putting everything outside in the sunshine for a while. You can use wadded up newspaper inside shoes to help them dry after wet sessions. I’ve given up hope for getting the smell out of gloves.
      We’ve used activated charcoal and the small Febreeze things and those seem to help the room smell fresher.

    4. Ugh, there is nothing worse than stale, sweaty air badly masked by an artificial scent. You need to treat the source, not add in a bunch of chemicals that are terrible for you to breathe. Try leaving cleats, etc in the sun to dry out thoroughly before storage, make sure there is air circulation, and wash the shinguards a lot more often.

  18. How doe people store their boots? Now that we are on the cusp of boot season (and now that I’m trying to be more responsible about my stuff)- I feel like I should be doing something better than tossing them in a pile in the shoe closet. I only have 3 pairs so I want to keep them easily accessible and nice.
    Also- anyone have recommendations for good, sturdy, warm boots that I can wear to walk to the metro, take my kids sledding, shovel snow, and other active outdoor things? I had been doing it in my hiking shoes, but after last January’s epic snow, I want a better option.

    1. I recently saw this on pinterest – hang your boots up with skirt hangers! I put a little scrap of fabric/felt/whatever’s lying around under the clips to prevent them from damaging my boots. I hang them on a hook in my closet wall (so they’re not rubbing against clothes) and use the stackable skirt hangers. So far so good!

    3. I put boot inserts in the shafts to help them keep their shape, then line them up in the shoe closet. I found some cheap inserts at BB&B.

    4. They’re on the floor in my closet, with cut up pool noodles in them to make them stand upright.

    6. For tall boots, I stick a thick rolled up magazine inside the shafts and put them on the floor of my closet. I have this probably unfounded theory all the perfume samples in old Vogues is keeping them fresh. For ankle boots, I just stick them on my shoe rack with all the rest of my shoes.

  19. Our dog passed way on Wednesday after a shockingly swift decline due to a brain tumor we didn’t know he had. I was in shock/denial until today, and now the grief is just all-consuming. I went to work yesterday and powered through, but am struggling so hard today. I’m grateful to have made it this long in life without experiencing a loss. I feel such guilt because I couldn’t save him, and that I failed him. I have a new empathy and understanding for others–it really is true that you never know what someone else is going through.

    1. I’m so sorry for your loss, busybee. I lost my childhood dog, a Boston Terrier, to a brain tumour. We didn’t even know he had it until he had his first seizure, and within a week his seizures were so severe and frequent that we made the hard decision to euthanize. You did not fail him – brain tumours in dogs really do hide under the radar until its (often too late).

    2. Oh, I’m so sorry! I know how hard it is to lose a dog. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts.

    3. I’m so sorry for your loss. Please don’t feel guilt. Brain tumors are awful and there’s really nothing you can do to treat him. Anything you did to prolong his life would probably have caused him pain or taken away from his quality of life.

    5. So sorry to hear that! It is very had to lose a beloved pet. As Nati says, it is often impossible to know about a brain tumor until there is nothing anyone – you or vet – can do. That isn’t failure on your part. I’m sure you gave him all the love and care you could – a very good doggy life. And while it is an awful experience, I agree with you that it can be be an opportunity to reflect on what matters in life and to approach others with empathy. And don’t let anyone make you feel bad about grieving for a pet! Do whatever you need to cope with the loss.

    6. I’m so sorry. I am not a crier, like even didn’t cry when I held my kids for the first time, but I sobbed uncontrollably for two days when my childhood dog died. There’s something about a dog’s unconditional love and acceptance that is just pure and real and too good for this world.

    7. I am so, so sorry. We lost our cat in similar circumstances almost a year ago and I still think about her and wish I had known earlier/ could have done more. It’s a reflection of how much love there was between you and your dog that you feel this way. Sending you Jedi hugs.

      1. Thank you everyone. It is helpful to hear from others who have experienced this type of loss–you all survived and I will too. Anon at 11:24 really nailed it–they are so pure and good and loving. We really don’t deserve them.
        I’m going to be donating some blankets and food and toys to the local animal shelter this weekend. Figured it would be a good way to thank the general species for being what they are.

    8. I’m so sorry. I’ve been there, and it is so very hard.

      We said goodbye to our 12 year old Golden about a year ago. He was a ball of energy and delight, an eternal puppy. One day, he started coughing up blood. Tests revealed cancer, everywhere (i mean everywhere!). No options but to keep giving him his best life for as many days as he had left. As it turned out, he only had ten. One day, he woke up, and we knew it was time to let him go – he was ready.

      It’s still hard, and I miss him all the time. But I am grateful that he really lived his fullest life, right up to the end. While it was shocking to go from healthy (outwardly) to goodbye in just 10 days, and while i’ll always wish i had more time with my best friend – i’m happy that he didn’t “get old” and unable to enjoy the things he so loves (chasing balls, playing with children, etc). He burned bright and flamed out quickly, and if i could have chosen, for HIM, it’s what i would have picked.

  20. I’m shopping for a dress for a black tie wedding in December. I think this dress would work well on my body type but am having a hard time deciding on the color. Navy (midnight) is more in my comfort zone, but for some reason doesn’t look super wintry to me. The onyx looks more season appropriate, but I’m afraid will wash me out. Thoughts? Also, what type of jewelry would I wear with this?

    https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/alfred-sung-sateen-gown/4634994?origin=wishlist

    1. I think the navy looks lush and wintery. Definitely appropriate for a December wedding, in my opinion.

      I’d wear an opera length necklace, but I’m always on the hunt for opportunities to wear sparkly long necklaces.

    2. The midnight color is lovely and definitely wintry IMO. I’d wear super-sparkly dangly earrings and no necklace with it.

    3. If you dress the navy color up with white, silver and/or cream, I can see this being very wintry. I will ALWAYS maintain that blue and white are Christmas colors. Think snow queen vibes and you will knock it out of the park.

      1. Yes I was thinking the same! Silver and sparkle sparkle sparkle!!! will look great with the navy.

    4. That’s really pretty. I think any of the colors other than the Larkspur would work well in December. Personally I would probably choose the hunter green. As for accessorizing, I would probably do a necklace to stand out against the high neck line of the dress.

      1. That’s really pretty. I think any of the colors other than the Larkspur would work well in December. Personally I would probably choose the hunter green. As for accessorizing, I would probably do a necklace to stand out against the high neck line of the dress.

    7. This dress is gorgeous! I would get the green if it suits your complexion, it stands out more than the navy.

  21. A friend from college is getting married in November. From talking with other friends who got invited, very few people were invited to the wedding ceremony (like only wedding party and probably family), but more people (including myself) got invited to the reception. Is that a common thing? The wedding is in the city we went to college and most people in our group don’t live there anymore. It just seems weird to invite people who need to travel a pretty significant distance just for a reception.

    2. I have seen this happen a lot, though not with a wedding party — people who want their ceremony to be very very small and intimate. Our ceremony was parents/grandparent/siblings/niece/nephew only. A few days later we had a big party to celebrate (with toasts and a first dance etc, so it wasn’t *just* a dance party). Some people didn’t want to come just for the party, and that’s fine too.

    3. There are a few weddings I’ve heard of where the church/place of worship was so small that they couldn’t have everyone there for the actual ceremony, but they explained that each time.

    4. Chinese weddings that I’ve been to are like this. Very small ceremony, giant reception with All The Food (definitely don’t go crazy on the first course or two, because there will be like twelve more)

    5. I’ve been to a family wedding set up like this. Wedding was held in bride’s grandmother’s house and was small and intimate (maybe 30 people total). Brunch reception followed, then everyone re-convened for a big reception at a fancy venue that evening. Attendance at reception was closer to 100-150. Many older relatives who came to the wedding ceremony opted out of the reception since it was definitely more of a party scene, but the bride & groom still got to celebrate with both groups.
      If I were you, I wouldn’t take offense at not being invited to the wedding and would attend the reception if finances and schedule allowed.

    6. Yes I’ve attended many weddings like this. Some are because of church/ceremony location size. Some just want an intimate/family only ceremony but then a big fun party after. Some have told me they didn’t want their friends to have to sit through yet another wedding (we were in a time period of All The Weddings) but wanted them to have fun at the party if they wanted to come.

  22. Comment got eaten!
    – apples or bars that are out and for the taking
    – flowers for their room and a common room
    – consider ordering one of those folding luggage racks so for future visits they don’t have to bend over to floor to get clothes.
    – if they’ll be coming back and staying with you (and you’re ok with that) offer to let them keep deodorants or other stuff like that in your place.

  23. I don’t know if any of you Bay arenas caught KQED forum this morning. They asked people to call in about high school assault experiences and what they’d done about it. They had Peggy Orenstein and a psychologist named Lynn on.

    A man called Mike called in. He said in college he had drinks with a woman in his apartment, they were both over 21, she passed out on the bed, they started fooling around, and then she jumped up in the middle of it and ran out of his apartment. He said that when he went to school the next day he found out she had told people he had assaulted her. He went on to say he is now married and is a good guy and this is just an example of how these acccuastions can really hurt men.

    I was screaming at my radio. The host managed to interrupt him and asked him if he had obtained her consent. He said “no, but..” and the host cut him off.

    She was passed out! He said it himself.

    It was crazy. But a sobering insight into how a lot of men think about this.

    At a minimum, we need to teach our sons better.

  24. I’m having trouble being empathetic to a friend and I’d appreciate any advice. Friend has come to me for years to complain about her and her husband’s mismatched gardening needs (she has no drive). I’ve tried to explain to her that this is a huge deal that she needs to take seriously. She never has. About a year ago he insisted on therapy to save their marriage and she scoffed at the idea.

    Well now he’s leaving her for another woman. Friend is of course devastated and paints herself as the victim in this situation. Her husband definitely should’ve had the integrity to pursue divorce before another woman – and I’m so mad at him for that – but it seems like divorce is the right outcome here. I almost want to tell my friend, well what did you expect? Of course he’s going to leave you if you totally dismiss his needs. Any other friend whose husband left like this, I would be all about hating on the two of them. You want a bonfire of old pictures of him? I’ll bring the s’mores. But I’m really struggling here because I don’t think she sees that she has any responsibility in the end of her marriage. How can I be supportive for her but still be the authentic, tell it like it is friend that I’ve always been?

    1. Um, you don’t tell her “I told you so,” unless you’re ready to lose a friend. It’s not your job to make her take responsibility for whatever you think went wrong in her marriage.

    2. My husband left me for another woman last year, and I would have been devastated if one of my friends had said anything even coming close to implying that it was even partially my fault. And I say that knowing now that there are things I could have and should have done differently in the marriage. I assure you that in private, she is absolutely blaming herself and reanalyzing everything that could have possibly led to this.

      He handled this wrong, period. If he was unhappy with their intimate life, that is a legitimate reason to leave. It is 100% not defensible for him to have found another woman while still continuing the marriage. The time to leave is before you cheat/fall in love with someone else.

    3. Please don’t talk to her about this unless you can be kind. I was in a very similar situation (I was your friend) and I wouldn’t want a friend like you. She’s better off with no one than with a friend that wants to say “I told you so” and “you deserve blame for this.” Fwiw, he was probably already boinking the other woman when he insisted on therapy. That’s usually how it works.

    4. My skin crawls at the term “his needs.” Sex is a want, not a need, and even if it were a need, it involves someone else’s body. The framing of “one spouse has a duty to meet the other spouse’s needs” sort of… well, if you’re the lower-drive spouse, it’s not exactly a convincing argument.

      Moving on: talk to your friend about what she would have done differently if she knew this would be the outcome. That will help her to understand that her own actions had a role in this. Because the above paragraph aside, when your spouse drags your sorry arse into marriage counseling to save your marriage, you either fix what needs fixing or get ready to divorce.

      1. I do agree with the idea of “his needs.” But, please please do not do talk about what she would have done differently unless she brings it up. Even then, tread so lightly. I would have been so hurt if one of my friends had said that she wanted to talk about what I could have done differently. It’s been a year now, almost exactly, and I would still be hurt if one of my friends brought that topic up.

        I’ve talked to a couple of very close friends about what I could have done differently (only in the past few couple of months, in the context of figuring out what I want future relationships to look like). Every one of them has said something like, “It is 100% not your fault for his terrible actions. You’re right that you might have a more fulfilling future relationship if you XYZ.” And the XYZ is a much tamer version of what I just said to them I wanted to do differently in a future relationship.

        The fact that he cheated on her like this is NOT HER FAULT. Please don’t bring up any topic or say anything that will make her think that you feel like it is her fault. If you can’t do that, then I agree with Anonymous at 2:46 — Just don’t talk to her about this.

    5. This moment is probably not the time to be the authentic tell it like it is friend. That can come later, IF/when she reaches 20/20 hindsight and determines that she could have done xyz better. Then, you can maybe, maaayyyybe say, “yeah, that might have been a good idea. But you are working on imrpoving abc now, and you can;t change the past, so please don’t beat yourself up about it. He might have cheated no matter what you changed!”

      But today? And this week/month/year/couple years/however long? She was cheated on, lied to, and that feels devastating. Plus, now she has to go through the experience of a divorce, being single again, figuring out what her life will look like, etc. He had every opportunity to do the right thing before cheating. This is on him.

      So, be kind to her. No one can know what really goes on in a relationship from the outside – even good friends. Assume she did her best, and support her from there. She can’t take action on anything you may say, regardless, becuase the time has passed. And – anything she did may not have made a difference, anyway.

      Time to zip it. If you can’t verbally support her, you can rub her back, or give a hug, or make a cup of coffee, or bring her a funny book, or give her a place to crash, or make her brunch, or go shopping. And you can say “Ugh” and “Mmmm hmmm” and “I’m so sorry this happened” “I hate that you are going through this” “I can tell you are hurting, what can I do or say to help you feel better?” “Want a hug?” “Want to go for a walk?” “Here’s a picture of a silly kitten doing silly cuteness things” “Let’s go to the dog park and watch the dogs play” “Want to go for a drive through the country?” “This all really sucks.” “You are an awesome person who deserves better.” “I know you are going through so much right now. Can I just tell you some of the things I love most about you?” “Want to come over and watch a terrible movie about zombies?”
      etc etc etc

      1. The OP makes a lot of sense, and I agree. We all have different desire levels when it come’s to physical intimacy. Personaly, with the right guy, s-x can be great fun and even better exercise so I can loose weight while doeing the horizontal Hora. On the other hand, with the wrong guy, it is meaningless huffeing and puffeing. If the guy does not care about anyone but himself (like my Alan), s-x can be a boring and useless exercise leaving me unfulfilled, even if he is NOT sleepeing around with other women. Once a guy I am dateing starts lookeing at other women, you KNOW he is thinkeing about them without their clotheing on, and day dreaming about haveing all kinds of s-x with them, even b/f he actually does it. That is a show stopper for me. I want my man to think ONLEY of me and day dream onley of haveing s-x with me. That is onley fair b/c I do NOT day dream about any man and the s-x act, except when I am in the moment with him doeing his stuff with me. So if I am to hard on a man to bad, b/c I demand physical and emotional fidelity. That is NOT a sin. If it is, then I plead guilty. FOOEY!

    6. I wouldn’t assume you know the whole story just because she was so forthcoming about one thing. Sometimes people are comfortable complaining about one problem or one aspect of a problem when there’s a lot else going on. Maybe you would be happy with her choices if you knew everything there was to know. Maybe not. But a marriage can look really different from inside than from outside.

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