Frugal Friday’s TPS Report: Brooke Bolero Neck Dress

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1. Question for those of you with the power to hire: Do you make an effort to include women on your team?

   I’m in the process of creating a team for a new business unit, and will likely be hiring 4-5 people in the next few months. Two positions are being filled by transfers, who are both men, and the good resumes I’ve seen so far have also been men. I know how much having strong female mentors has helped me in my career, and I hope to pay it forward, but I don’t have any candidates right now. There’s probably a little time, because the TO hasn’t been approved yet. In my position, would you make an effort to drum up resumes from women?

   Also, any experienced NYC healthcare analysts out there?

   1. Yes, but not to pay it forward. I’d do it because teams with people with different perspectives are stronger, smarter, better teams.

      1. Yay! Fruegel Friday! I love Fruegel Friday’s and Jone’s New York. Even this Bolero Dress I can wear b/c Frank will NOT be abel to peek at my boobies with this one. The sleeve’s are tight and the neckline is high enough that any ATTEMPT by him to ooogle me will be duly noted. FOOEY! His wife even know’s he ooogle’s at work and she does NOT care. I think she is exhusteed from him grabbeing at her boobie’s and booty all night. DOUBEL FOOEY!

         As for the OP, I agree with Wild kitten. I want diversity to, especialy b/c I did NOT hire Mason. He was a legacy carryover client’s relative (and a man). But now that I am an EQUITY Partner, I have a say also, even tho not a big say, and I say more FEMALES in law position’s, not just as assistant’s. Lynn is OK, but she is NOT an attorney at law, and she is NOT admitted in the courts of the state of New York County, or anyhere else. Her main job is to proof document’s and she also is haveing sex with Mason, but I want to hire another attorney just like me to help me handel w/c cases. My 250 cases sometime’s get me down, as I have VERY littel time for myself. Between case file’s interviewing wintnesses and running to court after fileing my breif’s, I get REALY tired at night, and have NO probelem sleeping at night. In some way’s NOT haveing a boyfreind mean’s I can sleep at night rather than haveing him squeezing me and pokeing his winkie at me at 3:00 am when I need to SLEEP, but I guess that can of course help me get to sleep better AFTERWARD’s if he is abel to know what he is doeing! YAY!!!

         So for the HIVE, the lesson I have is to get more female’s in who will NOT be catty and who will help us win our case’s! YAY!!!!!

   2. If we think the pool of applicants does not represent the qualified pool of potential candidates, we reopen the search and broaden the pool of applicants.

   3. I have the opposite problem…my team is all ladies so I’m trying to (all things 1000% equal) balance it out a bit. i have a direct team of 7, 6 female. My entire department (which I lead) is 15 women and 3 men. Was 6 men and a part-time woman three years ago, led by a man.

      FWIW the responsibilities of my depart are very gender neutral (not, for example, marketing which in my industry is stereotypically female, or development which is more male).

   4. This is something I’ve been giving a lot of thought… I work in tech and the first four people I hired onto my team were all men – those were the referrals and resumes I was getting. When I hired the fourth guy, I thought, “OK, I need to find a better way to identify candidates because obviously something is wrong with our search process.” Not to “pay it forward” but because if we’re casting our net in such a way that isn’t gathering a diverse group of candidates, then we’re probably missing out on some good talent.

      1. I appreciate all the responses. I do agree that a diverse team will bring different skills and perspectives to a team.

         My industry is interesting in terms of diversity, because there is great diversity – race, gender, country of origin, religion, class – if you look at healthcare as a whole. But when you look more closely, the top ranks are much less diverse and tend to the old-school white male model.

         I was fortunate to be hired with little relevant experience into a position which can eventually lead me into those high ranks. I’ve worked hard and proved my worth, but getting my foot in the door was a matter of someone seeing my potential. When I say “pay it forward,” I’m thinking of that, I guess. I need to find people who can do the work, but I want to put more diverse candidates on the path to the top.

         LAnon – what do you do to get a broader pool of candidates?

         1. Reach out to your networks, and ask your employees to do the same. You could post something on Linked In, your college alumni group, a local professional organization, etc.

            When we were going through a growth spurt at one company I worked at, they put in an incentive program to get referrals. Employees could turn in resumes (and cover letters where appropriate) for open positions, as well as for the general type of position we hired for (our location was all scientists with a very specific specialty). They then filled out a form checking a box as to whether they knew the person well and would vouch for them, or if they were friend of a friend, etc. Everyone who turned in a resume got entered into a raffle (and people who’s referral got hired got put into an extra special grand prize raffle).

            It got a lot of resumes turned in for qualified people without a lot of financial outlay or time sorting through the crap you get from Monster or Craigslist.

         2. Maybe start by posting a job description that is a little more broad?

            I’ve applied to jobs where the job description says “Ideally, x, y, and z, but would also consider….” For healthcare analysis, are you looking for people with healthcare experience, health law experience, general knowledge of the healthcare industry, amazing statistical skills, or something else? Would you take, say, a mathematician who happens to know a lot about health care but has no direct experience?

         3. There’s a few things that have helped a lot. I belong to a few women’s professional groups on LinkedIn, and if our company was looking for someone (in my department or in another), I would post the job listing to the group along with a note about how it would be great to get a referral from the group, so if anyone knew someone who fit the description to please pass the job along.

            I tweaked some of my job descriptions, as well. I read somewhere that men are likely to apply to a job even if they don’t meet all the requirements while women hesitate if there are some requirements they don’t meet, so I moved some things previously listed as “requirements” to “preferred but not required” (which was a more accurate description of them anyway).

            The last thing, which was weirdly specific but has found a couple great people, is reaching out to friends who had newborns or very young kids and worked in the industry. All our positions are very flexible about remote work and hours, so I tell them the role I’m looking for and ask if they know any new parents who are looking to transition to working partially remotely. They often knew families who were in the process of re-evaluating their work structure and we scooped up a couple very talented people who jumped at the remote work and flexibility.

            Whenever I’m reaching out to people, I try not to say, ‘”I’d like to hire more women,” or anything like that. So mostly I focus on reaching out to women and asking them if they know anyone, so it might wind up being a male colleague or stay-at-home dad that they refer, which is great as well. But I have gotten more female applicants and referrals since focusing on it.

         4. I work for a charitable foundation that’s done a lot of hiring lately. Our standard practice is to announce positions on mainstream sites, and to also post to community-specific email lists and websites – for instance, local and statewide organizations that serve the Native American community, the Asian community, the African American community, the Latino/a community, etc.

            We’ve found this practice significantly increases both the racial and gender diversity of our applicant pool.

      2. This. You can get the best candidates by having the broadest pool.

         I have a rep for making really great hiring decisions within my company which I am very proud of. Not coincidentally, I have probably the most diverse team in the entire company.

         I spend a lot of time reaching out to a broad pool of candidates so that I can get a really robust set of applicants.

         I also work in a product delivery space and I think having a team that reflects the diversity of our customer base always us to create a better quality product.

   5. I have found that diverse, gender-balanced teams are better teams. I’m in a niche that is pretty much male dominated (75/25) where I’m often the only female in the room, so a balance is hard but possible. I once worked for a woman with a very strong personality who hired an all-woman team and it was a disaster, so I’d never do that either.

   6. Darn, I’m in healthcare! But not in NYC!

2. I’d like to sell some of my very lightly used work clothes. How is ThredUP? Or what similar service have people used and liked?

   1. I used ThredUP a couple of months ago and liked it. The process was easy, they did buy the items I expected them to, and I was going to donate them otherwise so the amount they paid me seemed good. The only downside was that they’ve become pretty popular so it took a few weeks for them to process my bag.

   2. I like ThredUp because it’s very easy and my alternative would be dropping clothes off at Goodwill and getting nothing. That said – I can’t figure out which clothes they pay for and which clothes they don’t, so if your clothes are worth good money and you might want to sell them on ebay if ThredUp won’t pay for them, you probably want to pay the $12 to get back the stuff they won’t buy. (I had brand new designer bags they didn’t buy, and old Target shirts that they did. Wtf?)

      1. I also found their choices about what to buy odd. But overall, I had the same experience as Wildkitten – I was just going to donate everything anyway, and this was an easy way to make a little bit of money (but not much). Last time I did it, they offered double your cash if you took it as a Sole Society credit, which was nice (I think I made $25 from my ThredUp bag, so a $50 Sole Society credit – new shoes for almost free!)

   3. I don’t know if Kat would be cool with it but could you post them here too? People could pay you via paypal.

      1. For what it’s worth, I’d rather not see this site be used as a clothes auction. Maybe a link to your ebay profile?

         1. We had a clothing swap here for a while. It was on reh@sh? I participated once – sent a dress to Inhouse Europe, which is how we got to know each other.

   4. I have used ThredUp and Twice (www dot liketwice dot com). I feel I got a bit better prices from the items I sold at Twice but that is subjective since I didn’t have the exact same items to price check at both places. The accepted brand list at ThredUp is larger but Twice pays immediately through paypal and if I recall you had to wait a bit to get your money.

   5. I was pretty disappointed with the money I got from ThredUp. $13 for brand new Paige jeans hardly makes it seem worth it.

   6. I like LikeTwice way better than ThredUp. Twice paid better and processed my items MUCH faster than Thred Up. They are equally easy.

      1. +1 for LIkeTwice. I take payment in credit, which is a win-win for me. I get rid of the clothes I don’t want and replace them with clothes I do want!

   7. I used ThredUp but was really surprised by what they bought. I think they bought more casual items from Target than nicer work dresses. I have really liked PoshMark. I have sold several things and bought way too many things from them lately.

3. Missed the book thread yesterday, but wow, I think I’d love to be in a book club with you ladies! My current book club tends to just pick bestsellers and spends an average of 25 minutes talking about how they felt about book and the rest of the two hours and thirty five minutes talking about our friend’s recent surgery, issues with subordinates at work, gossiping about friends, and exchanging recipes. I love talking about those topics, but I had a great narrative study prepared of the last book, and was really sad I didn’t get to talk about it!

   1. Could you look into an adult class or perhaps something facilitated by an academic or writer? I teach politics for adult learners and many of them joined because they wanted to have those in-depth discussions in a neutral space / with some sort of guidance.

   2. That’s funny – of the 3 or so book clubs I’ve been a part of as an adult, my favorite one was where we actually spent at least 50% of the time talking about the book and having a somewhat intellectual discussion. I miss it! Currently in a much more social/casual club that probably spends less than 20% of the meeting talking books.

   3. Have you checked out meetup dot com in your area? In my area there are many book clubs, and some of them are specifically for Classics, or literature, or different genres and are much more book discussion focused. Or look for a different book club through a local bookstore?

   4. In my experience, book groups hosted by or affiliated with book stores tend to be much more focused on discussing the books than other book groups I’ve been a part of.

4. Oh wise hive, do I have any hope of saving a merino wool sweater shrunk in the dryer by a well-meaning husband?

   1. Nope. With wool, once shrunk=always shrunk.

      1. Rats. Relatedly, is anyone here about the size of a kindergartner and interested in an electric purple 3/4 sleeve crew neck merino? :(((

         1. Do you have friends with a kindergartner? My son’s very favorite sweater is a super tightly knit wool that is incredibly warm that we got as a hand-me-down from a friend, and after accidentally shrinking one of my own sweaters to the same size I’m guessing it was once a men’s sweater.

            Alternately, are you crafty (or do you know someone that is?) that could turn it into this cute felted bag or the laptop bag at the bottom of the page? that’s on my list for one of my shrunken sweaters (without the decorative roses- I’m not that good at freeform)
            http://sweetgrace.typepad.com/the_inadvertent_farmer/2010/03/make-alpaca-wool-sweater-into-felted-handmade-bag-tutorial.html

            1. I have a super-well-dressed coworker; in a friendly moment, I mentioned I liked an argyle sweater she used to wear, and she admitted that she shrunk it and had to pass it down to her niece.

         2. LOL. You have my sympathies. My husband has done this to me at least annually since we met.

5. I’m an income partner with 2 children and a working spouse. I have been pretty successful and a lot of hard work that I’ve put in trying to do more and better work for clients is starting to pay off. All at once! On one hand, I feel like it may be 2009 again before I know it and just buckle down. But life at 125% utilization is just so awful (it would be awful if I were single/childless, but my home life needs me there too and not just to sleep).

   I am a bit in a panic that I don’t have an exit strategy (why exit? there seems to be no getting back to even 100%, let alone the 80% that I’d really like to have). Everything that could be outsourced has been outsourced (absent hiring a night nanny).

   I don’t want to get the point where I’m doing a bad job at everything and am to harried to enjoy life, but I feel that one day I will just walk away b/c there is no medium button in BigLaw — it’s either all or nothing.

   1. I feel like I could have written this — except I’m a senior associate at a long promotion track firm. Still, similar to you (I think), I feel like I’m getting to the point in my career when I thought I’d start having more control and wouldn’t be so frenzied, and it hasn’t shaped up that way…

      Any divide-and-conquer opportunities with your spouse (e.g., he makes sure he’s home after work Monday so you can work late and vice versa on Tuesday?)

      Are there activities you’re participating in that aren’t giving you much payoff and you could discontinue — like a book club you don’t enjoy and that causes stress about finishing the book?

      I know you said it has all been outsourced, but take a really close look at what other opportunities may exist. Could you drop off laundry weekly? Dry cleaning pick-up/delivery so you don’t have to do drop off/pick up? Ask nanny to do additional household chores or cleaning, or even just to work more hours if you need the help?

      All that being said, I feel like I’m in a very similar point to where you are: BigLaw wants more of my life than I’m willing to give. Hoping someone has good suggestions for both of us!

      1. Given the topic, I’d recommend checking out an article in today’s NYT called “A Woman-Led Law Firm That Lets Partners be Parents.”

         1. YES! Just came here to recommend this as well.

   2. As a partner, you have to find a way to delegate. Train competent people that you can rely on to help you do your job well. It’s so hard, but you’ve worked hard to reach a point where you can shape your role and schedule. Hire or recruit the help you need.

      1. +1 to this. Staff your cases with competent senior and mid-level associates and then trust them to do things. This will only help if you don’t micromanage.

         Also, look at other partners who seem to have a good work/life balance. What are they doing differently? If the issue is simply that they’re more senior to you and have already put in their dues, then that doesn’t really help. But maybe they’re focusing their efforts on networking/client development and positioning themselves as an expert.

         At my firm there seem to be the partners who are in the daily grind of things and those who are more hands off. I think this can be driven by more senior partners. If you’re working with a senior partner who is a micromanager, chances are that your life will be crazy for a while.

   3. I am not quite as senior as you, but this my biglaw nightmare, and why I have put off having kids.

      One thing I think you need to truly ask yourself is whether you are saying No enough. It was only at my very most recent biglaw firm that a manager took me aside and told me that I was trying to do everything (and scrambling a bit) instead of saying No more often. If you have partners that are dumping on you, or clients that need a lot more of your time than you realistically have, I would consider sitting down with a staffer, or your group of partners (or however it works) and just crying uncle. Give away specific cases or deals. Ask to have a really competent senior associate handle the day-to-day on a few things. I know that you worked really hard for these relationships, but if it’s truly unsustainable, this is the only way you are going to get it back to sustainable, truly.

      I know that saying No is not an option many places, but don’t leave before you’ve tried something like this. There has to be another way. And if it’s unprecedented, start the precedent to pave the way for working mothers coming after you. Truly. I wish you luck and am sending you a, “It’s gonna be OK, girl!” hug.

   4. Just saw this article in NYT today, and it’s right on point:

      http://nyti.ms/1bkHM5F

   5. Where are your associates? I’m in basically the same position (income partner, 3 kids, working husband), and I’ve had to learn to delegate. More than I thought I could, with less oversight than I thought I’d have to provide. I also sometimes delegate to other partners who are looking for hours.

      1. I think we fired them in the recession or didn’t hire enough people or were so stingy that we thought that having a partner full-busy was OK but that having a partner 75% busy and an associate 75% busy was horrible and we had no budget for that.

         So there is not enough generational continuity as there ought to be. Recessions have a long tail. I have an associate who is great, but training and overseeing that is another job (and the only thing worse is not to have it at all). What I really need is for that associate to have come on board 5 years ago.

         1. Okay, I saw this after I posted below, so you do have an associate who is great. He/she is probably capable of doing more. If the associate is at full capacity, why not try and hire another associate, perhaps a lateral, if you don’t see things slowing down anytime? I had a fantastic opportunity to move up from midlaw to biglaw and the very situation you mentioned gave me this opportunity to join my firm, which I love (I was at biglaw earlier in my career, but an in-house opportunity led me astray and had to work my way back). There are great candidates out there who actually want to work more.

   6. Same position as you. I am learning to delegate more to associates, paralegals, and legal assistants. And also trying to figure out how I will cut-back between major projects. Can you hand work to others?

6. TJ Poll: What extracurricular activities do you do and how much time do you devote to them per week?

   This is somewhat embarrassing, but I found myself extremely jealous of a childhood family friend recently. She’s a pediatrician, competed in her first marathon in March and just competed in a local Dancing with the Stars dance competition for charity. And she has two children (4 and 6, I think). How does she fit all of this in? I am proud of myself if I manage to just workout 30 minutes a day. I have no hobbies, extracurriculars, or activities outside of time with my toddler and DH. I love my time with them, but seeing what all this person does made me feel like I’m failing at life. I bought a groupon for weekly dance classes, but I find myself struggling to stay awake long enough to make it to the 8:30 p.m. class lol.

   1. Ugh, 8:30 class, that’s the problem! If I go home, I’m not coming back out again.

      I don’t have loads of hobbies – I make it to yoga once or twice a week and that’s about it. I feel bad so I’ve made a plan to do a coastal trail walk (in sections) over the summer but beyond that, I can barely manage my current load and that’s with no kids and a demanding but very flexible schedule.

   2. Could you find workout classes (assuming that’s what you want to do) at places that offer childcare or let your husband watch the kid for an hour or two after work/weekends, a few days a week, so you can have your leisure time? Though honestly if you truly want to spend all of your time with your family, doing so isn’t failing at life.

      I spend a great deal of time on my hobbies, but I’m a childless, single woman who works 40 hours a week, so there’s no use in comparing.

   3. By extracurriculars, you mean “manage to do the laundry and put out the garbage”? Because I feel like if I can devote enough time to get those things done in a week, it’s a victory.

   4. I have seen a lot of pediatrician friends / neighbors successfully go and stay PT. Maybe it’s a field with enough shortages that they are happy to get PT people? It seems limited to pediatrics though — I don’t know any PT doctors in other specialties (and many who are significantly overworked). I did see one who quit entirely, unlike law where we have a lot of people just exiting the field completely.

   5. I have come to accept that some people are just superstars with their time (or they don’t need to sleep). I always worry that I don’t have many hobbies now, but I can’t seem to find the time to devote to them. I play on one recreational sports team a week and I have a dog (a hobby in my opinion!). I’m also terrible with working out, but do yoga a few times a week. I have been looking for a charity board to join – hoping to find the right organization soon. I know people at work who run marathons and are on tons of board and they are billing like crazy and I just don’t know how they do it. I NEED nights where I am just at home, doing nothing. I can’t be out all the time.

   6. Umm does running on the treadmill for 45 minutes and drinking wine with my friends count as extra-curricular activities? Otherwise, I’m out. Honestly, after a 10-12 hour day, if I can manage to eat something relatively healthy and stay awake until 10 or 11pm, it’s a miracle. And I have no kids.

      I usually see friends 1 or 2 evenings a week, spend one weekday evening with my boyfriend and try to go to the gym 1-2 times during the week. Anything else just doesn’t happen.

   7. Haha when I first started reading this I also thought “my hobbies are that I workout 6 days a week and take care of my dogs.” And I don’t even have kids. Does that not count? Really the only thing I would add is that I volunteer with the local humane society (about 10 hours a month) and another 5ish hours a month with a dog rescue.

   8. Don’t compare yourself to other people. I considered writing this whole comment in ELLEN caps. But I’ll just repeat, don’t compare yourself to other people.

      1. Yes, don’t compare. Chances are her life is not as perfect as she posts on Facebook. Maybe she is one of those super organized people who doesn’t need a lot of sleep. But maybe she’s doing all these extracurriculars at the expense of her job (maybe the practice doesn’t have so many patients right now?), her marriage (maybe it isn’t so great right now?) her kids (maybe she’s jealous that they seem to like daddy or the nanny better?) or who knows what else is going on behind the scenes.

         I’m not saying this as a way to cut your friend down – maybe she really is superwoman. But maybe she also sees you posting things like about how you are having a lazy day at home with your husband and daughter and is jealous the fact that you allow yourself some downtime, or some other aspect of your life that you aren’t even considering

         1. +1 for Meg Murray’s response. I had a boss like this once and her marriage was a sham and her kids (now that they’re grown) hate her. But she throws awesome gourmet dinner parties and runs several marathons a year, winning in her age group, natch.

      2. +1. Someone here once said “comparison is the thief of joy,” and it’s stuck with me. Who cares what she’s doing with her time? You do you. The most important thing in life is finding your own happiness and contributing to the happiness of those around you. Is it making you unhappy that you don’t do more with your time? No? Then you’re fine. :)

      3. I’ve realized there’s a difference between coveting other people’s lives and admiring other people’s qualities. So I think you can admire the marathon-ing pediatrician and see if you can learn from her strategies and if they would work for you, in your own life, or not.

   9. I don’t do it now because I’m in grad school, along with working full time still, but I do community theatre with a few companies. It keeps me involved with what my major was and it’s a good time and offers the chance to meet new people.

   10. Sounds like you might get a lot out of reading Overwhelmed by Brigid Schulte. Highly, highly recommended.

   11. Does mental health therapy count as extra-curricular activity?

       On a more serious note, in college I could not do everything I wanted, because I did have a health issue and needed to go to PT rehab 1-2x/week for a semester or 2. I literally counted that as an extra-curricular activity, when people were super competitive about all the activities they led, or parties they were at, or difficult classes, I gave myself a break, and counted PT as 1-1.5 activities, and I think it all came out even in the end :)

   12. I don’t have any hobbies. I have three kids, a husband (who works odd hours), and work full-time. I consider it a win if I take my kids to the park in the evening and actually make dinner. Right now, my kids take up all my time outside of work and sleep and that is ok with me.

   13. First of all, I think that a 4 and 6 year old are different than having a toddler. They can walk without toddling, for example. And some people have the ability to relingquish control over their home life more than others. Right now, I have an almost 1-year old and he needs me home in the evenings (he’s nursing) but when he’s bigger, dad could be the at home person once a week after work or so, and on the weekends, which will free up time for me. Unless/until we have a second. But really – I think the first few years are the most challenging/time consuming in parenthood, and your friend is mostly past that.

   14. I agree with others who have said not to compare yourself to others. You don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes or what true compromises she is making to get everything done. Or if she is just one of those people who manages to do it all (they don’t really exist, something is giving).

       Since I am single, do not have children or a job that requires more than 45 hrs a week, and I have a work schedule where I can come in early and leave early, I am able to do a lot more than people with different circumstances. I still have to compromise and I also get overwhelmed and need to just stop and incorporate down time. Need to get in my training run, play ultimate frisbee/flag football, go to the gym, or go to the barn? No hanging out with friends after work, lazing around the apt, cleaning the apt, doing laundry, doing my nails, cooking, etc. It’s still a compromise even though I don’t have children, an SO, or job that demands my time outside of normal business hours.

   15. Sounds like you’re being too hard on yourself! You have a young child — of course you’re tired. Once your child gets a bit older, you’ll have more time and energy to devote to hobbies. But there’s nothing wrong with where you are now. Since your friend’s kids are older, it makes sense that she has more time to devote to her interests. The toddler years are some of the most challenging and time-consuming of parenting.

       Like Anon above, I am childless and single with a pretty steady 40-hour a week job, so I spend a lot of time on hobbies. I’m on a board, in a book club, try to work out 4-5 days a week, and like to write and read. There’s no question that some or all of this would have to go if I were married and had children.

   16. I run in the mornings, take dance classes 1-2 nights a week (latin specifically), attend dog training classes once a week, and try to fit in 2 networking events per month.

       But, I’m in a DINK relationship, I’m fairly young, and I don’t sleep a lot. And I tend to feel like I have no time for myself.

       I agree with the others that you’re probably being too hard on yourself. It’s totally fine to reign it in for a few years when you have a young kid!

   17. I am a lawyer employed full-time whose current hobbies include: yoga class 2-5x/week, dance class a few times per month, 3 monthly book groups, and involvement in 2-3 community theater productions per year, plus some volunteer work in an organization related to my practice area. I also travel frequently, often to visit family. I read a lot in addition to what I read for book groups. I also play piano, but I haven’t spent much time with that lately. In the past I’ve tried learning guitar, studying a foreign language, and I had a blog for about a year and a half. Some of my hobbies are very obvious on my Facebook page.

       What you don’t necessarily see on my Facebook page:

       I am a lawyer who works 35-40 hours/week. Never more than 40. In the past, I worked part-time for a few years. I frequently didn’t volunteer information about my part-time status in social situations because I often received odd responses. Whether the responses were due to envy/jealousy, judgment, pity, or surprise/confusion at encountering something outside the norm, I don’t know, but I didn’t like it so I stopped volunteering the info. However, that means I had a lot more free time than a casual observer would realize.

       My SO works a lot more than I do. I’m satisfied with the amount of time we spent together, but in a perfect world, we’d spend more time together. Seeing him less often than I find ideal gives me more free time to pursue activities on my own.

       I live far away from my family. I have no local family, so other than trips to visit them a few times a year, none of my spare time is spent with family. That makes me sad, but I like the city I live in and I don’t want to return to the economically depressed isolated rural area where the bulk of my family still lives. Never spending any time with family (unless I’m travelling to visit them) gives me more time to dedicate to hobbies.

       I have no children. This is by choice, but sometimes I feel a bit left out or left behind that my friends are moving into a life stage that I won’t be sharing with them. Obviously, I have a lot more time to myself than the typical parent does.

       I’m satisfied with my life as-is, and I am comfortable with my efforts to address areas that I’m less than satisfied with, so I’m not saying any of this to complain about my life, but just to offer a different perspective from someone who is involved with a lot of hobbies.

7. I have a question for the hive regarding how to manage disagreement over family size. I will post in the mom site, but want to get opinions from those who forewent kids as well. My husband and I have a 2 year old daughter and both manage demanding careers. I am approaching my late 30’s and want a second child-soon. My husband is adamant that he does not want more children and becomes incredibly anxious and distraught at the prospect. We will likely need to renovate or buy a bigger house if we do have another. He refuses to consider couples counseling and we are at a standoff. I may be able to convince him, but worry about our marriage. I am certain 2 children would be manageable (eventually) and I am willing to shoulder the bulk of the work. I feel that I would deeply regret stopping at one. Advice? How have you managed the decision over how many children to have? Thank you!!!

   1. This is a hard one. Given his response, I think you really need to listen to him. Given your age, he really needs to listen to you. How have you discussed in the past? Has it been at random times or was it a serious, face to face with no one else around and nothing else going on? It may take a formal sit down for you two to reach agreement. Honestly, there’s no way anyone else, even a therapist, can make this decision for your family.

      On this note, for the first time ever, DH weighed in on a serious life decision last night to say he does not want a second. I was surprised. I’m only 33, but had infertility throughout my 20’s, so his firm decision was a bit jarring. I’m on the fence, though. If I were set on a second, I think this would be a much more difficult situation.

      Good luck to you both.

   2. Did you discuss how many kids you wanted before marriage? If so, I think it would be a bit unfair if one of you changed it up at this point. It’s fine to change your mind, but it is understandable why the other spouse would have an issue with it if you both went into the marriage with that understanding. My husband and I both went in knowing we wanted two kids. We have also discussed what we are and aren’t willing to try in the event we have difficulty having kids. Obviously we both realize we may change our minds when the time comes, but I feel like we have a good history of communication on the topic so that we could work through any issues that come up.

   3. No. No nono you cannot agree to shoulder most of the work. Simply an unacceptable way to treat a child. And no, you don’t need a bigger house. Guarantee. Maybe examine why you’re thinking of things that way before you bring it up again.

      1. +100

      2. +100. It’s really important to try to come to an understanding of where you both are coming from. Why do you feel the need to have a bigger house?

         I honestly think you need to see a couples counselor. They’re useful at all stages of a relationship, but this is a particularly important discussion to have aid in.

   4. Would he be open to a couples retreat or something similar? Less of a “therapist weighing in directly” and more of an “opportunity and facilitation to discuss important topics one-on-one in a less charged environment” thing. My husband and I did our premarital counseling this way, and it way by far the best discussion we’ve has about some really big things that had previously been highly contentious/emotional.

   5. I feel like there’s been articles on how having another child when your spouse doesn’t want one (and the one who does shouldering the work) has led to marriages falling apart. Or at least a 10 year rough patch. Please consider that when you try for one, you could get 2 and end up with a family of 5 instead of 4. Or even a special needs child (you ARE in your late 30s). How much harder would things be then? That being said, it would really really suck to disagree on this. While it’s no consolation, if you decide not to have another one, maybe you could take that time and pursue fulfilling activities that benefit children through volunteer work.

      1. Are there articles going the other way: how not having a another child when your spouse wants one can lead to your marriage breaking up (or just titled: unilateralism = bad for marriages)?

         And for special needs, that is so much broader than just the down syndrome risk that goes up in your late 30s. The bulk of DS babies are born to younger women because younger women have more babies (so smaller rate, but more babies). Yeesh.

         Also: special needs come witn being a person. That husband of yours could get into a car wreck that leaves him needing care. Or you. Or your existing child. Or a parent. It’s not like you’ve dodged a bullet on this by stopping now, it’s that the bullet hasn’t hit anyone close to you yet.

         1. What you say about special needs is true, and any person who decides to become a parent has to know, at some level, that they are making a commitment to parent a child with needs other than standard (whatever THAT means).

            However, I’m not sure about the logic of breaking up a marriage because an otherwise fine spouse doesn’t want another child. She wants another child so badly that… what? In her late 30s, she’s going to divorce her (presumably satisfactory) husband, subject her current child to the vagaries of divorce, meet someone else in the next year or two, marry and have another child before it’s too late?

            Or, even if she’s not going to be able to remarry and have another, she’s going to see his refusal (which might be based on real concerns from his own POV) as such a character flaw that she’s going to go it alone as a single mother?

            We can’t always have everything we want. We have a right to pursue what we want, but sometimes, the alternatives just don’t make sense.

            1. I wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss the potential damage to a marriage when one spouse wants another child and one doesn’t. Anecdotally, my otherwise very happy 13-year marriage is under unprecedented strain because of this issue. Whether to have children at all (or additional children) is very personal and can tap into long-held, passionately-held visions of what a person wants out of life. Because a woman with children doesn’t divorce her husband over this issue does NOT mean that it is less destructive to their union. Or that the person who wants the additional family member is necessarily the unreasonable one, and the one who should compromise.

            2. You stated that well and made me rethink the issue, so… good comment.

         2. For what it’s worth, Anon @ 11:24, it doesn’t matter that the bulk of DS children are born to younger women – it only matters that her risk of having a DS child as a 35+ person is X%. It doesn’t matter how many DS babies are born to women in their 20s. In this case, her high risk is nothing to ignore.

   6. Have you talked with him about why he becomes anxious and distraught at the idea, and why you want a second? If your conversations have just been the two of you each reiterating his/her opinion, maybe a deeper conversation, or series of conversations, about what you want your lives to look like (not just within the next couple of years, but over the next thirty and beyond), is in order.

      And I agree with the poster above that I highly doubt you need a bigger house or a remodel. There is nothing wrong with kids sharing a bedroom, even a small one.

   7. Any chance it’s the renovation or purchase of a bigger house (with resulting move) that’s putting him off?

      If so, you might want to consider whether you could make it work in your current space. Kids can share rooms.

      I knew a family with 4 kids and only 2 kids bedrooms. The youngest was a girl (all the others were boys) and she shared a room with a brother for years (for sure until she was in middle school). I know there was a big discussion when the oldest went to college if the next oldest got a room to himself or whether there would be a boys’ room and girls’ room.

      It seems like now we frequently don’t ask kids to share bedrooms until college (except maybe at overnight summer camps).

      1. I shared a room with my 3 sisters when I was growing up. I think it gave me a leg up at college and beyond because I was so used to the concept of roommates.

      2. My children share a room (same gender) even though we could give them their own rooms. It is just easier getting them up and out and doing bedtime if they are in the same room. Plus, they share things. This has been the case since the younger one was 6 or so months old (before that, she was in with us in a minicrib). Maybe we’ll let them split up (if one wants it badly) once they get to middle school or so, but for now it is very workable, even preferable.

         1. +1 I shared a room with my sister growing up even though technically we didn’t have to (we had a seperate room we used for a guest bedroom) and I loved it.

            I think that’s why my sister and I are so close.

      3. I also shared a room with brothers at various points growing up. I am the oldest and ended up getting my own room on the basis of gender/puberty, and then 2 of the brothers had to share.

         My parents were from large families, where having your own room just wasn’t an option. I know my mom shared a room with 3 sisters for a number of years – the boys had a room in the basement, if I recall.

   8. My mother was an only child. When my first was born (less than a week old), she told me that I HAD to have at least one more. She grew up very close to some cousins who were also onlies and lived near her, but she really felt like an only child when she had to take care of her parents. I had never really thought that far ahead before.

      It might be tight in the house, but families have lived on top of each other for generations. But the bond between siblings is not something that can be replicated anywhere else. I may not always feel extremely close to my siblings, but they are the only ones who really could help when my mom passed and we had to help my dad move.

      So don’t forget to look at the long haul and don’t put all of the focus on what life will be like in the short term.

      1. Don’t assume having siblings when dealing with elder parents is always the best option. If you aren’t on the same page, it might be better to handle it alone. Ask me how I know this.

         1. +1 to this. Also, don’t forget that only children also get married/have relationships and aren’t going to be “all alone” to deal with family issues just because they don’t have siblings. FWIW, I’ve seen a lot of friends marriages really strain when they went from 1 kid to 2 – I think it’s a much bigger adjustment than people realize. I also know a lot of really happy only kids.

         2. Yup. And I have a brother with various issues that mean I will probably need to step in down the line (when my parents are too old/ pass on) to help with financially and emotionally- so this could actually have the opposite effect! Children are no guarantee of care in old age. If that is a concern, you’re far better off investing the money you would’ve spent on a kid in your retirement fund.

         3. +1. I also know 2 people that will be caregivers to a special needs brother when the parents get too old.

      2. You can’t assume that siblings will be useful when it comes to caring for aging parents. My brother is worse than useless in this regard. It would be easier if I was an only child. You also can’t assume that siblings will be each other’s companions in childhood.

         1. +1,000

      3. My mother is from a family of five, 3 girls 2 boys. Out of all 5 children the bulk of elder care fell on 1 family, with the sister in law doing the majority of the care. The other children either couldn’t or wouldn’t pitch in due to time/location/money issues. Multiple children is no guarantee of ‘help’ with elder care issues.

   9. Anecdata here but I watched my uncle totally check out on my youngest cousin in a situation like this. Said cousin is currently in his early 20s, has started and stopped college a few times, occasionally gets very religious, and is living at home with no exact plan for what to do next (which is ruining my aunt and uncle’s plans to downsize). I can’t help but wonder if his floundering is just him or if it’s the result of having a dad who checked out on him while living in the same house. It’s not fair that your husband gets to decide this without agreeing to counseling or anything, but it’s also not really fair to bring a child into this world who may feel unwanted by its father.

      1. + 1

   10. I’m not sure if you’re still reading, but I found this to be a very powerful piece on the subject:

       http://www.salon.com/2015/04/01/i_called_him_pathetic_he_accused_me_of_ruining_his_life_what_children_did_to_our_marriage/

       1. Wow. Thank you all so much for your insights and experiences. I think sharing rooms really would be an option and will try to press him for couples counseling. That salon article is powerful. Thank you.

          What a huge, unalterable decision this is and I truly feel like we’re on the precipice without much time. My gut tells me to push for one more, my head tells me to be content with my healthy daughter and happy husband as we are…..The challenge for me would be to come to terms with that ghost ship of the life I would be forgoing that dear sugar wrote so eloquently about. Has anyone ever regretted stopping at one child? How to deal with that decision and let go of the “what if”? Or press for what my heart/gut believe is the best?

8. Sorry for the TJ, but I can’t hold this in anymore. I may or may not have found my engagement ring a couple of weeks ago (I snooped.) I am SO excited! I know the proposal will be happening soon, but I’m just wondering how long you ladies had to wait from “he has the ring” to “proposal?”

   1. Don’t snoop!

      But to answer your question, my fiancé asked me for ring ideas about a year before he proposed. I was pretty sure that he asked my dad 6 months before he proposed. I’m not sure when he actually got the ring though. We talked seriously about marriage from fairly early on in our relationship so I knew it was going to happen, just didn’t know when. As for this week’s discussions, it was definitely a mutual decision and the only thing that was a surprise was when and how he did it. I was excited but tried not to be impatient. Every time we did something out of the ordinary, I though he might do it. I really tried not to think that, but it was difficult. Ultimately he did wind up surprising me and I’m so glad he proposed when he did because he did it while we were on vacation with my family since he knew I’d love to celebrate with them as soon as it happened.

   2. We went ring shopping and I (seriously, accidentally) saw an email 2 weeks later. He proposed about 2 weeks after that! Don’t try to predict when it will happen though because that’s no fun. I actually convinced myself the day he proposed that he was NOT proposing that day so I wouldn’t be disappointed, so then I was surprised when he did. Although about 2 minutes before he did it I could tell it was coming (location, etc…).

   3. My husband carried the ring around for 8 months. Yes, really. He carried it everywhere.

   4. Cautionary tale with happy ending:

      I snooped and found the receipt for a ring deposit. I kept snooping and found a return receipt for about 2 weeks later. We had had a big fight that weekend.

      Weeks, and months, passed and no proposal. I was a total wreck.

      Turns out, months later, DH proposed. I eventually found out that he was shopping for a ring, put a deposit down, found a nicer gem, returned the first one, had my ring custom made, and then basically sat around trying to figure out how to propose for a month or so.

   5. I wouldn’t try to guess or even proceed with the idea that he will propose imminently. I know men who bought engagement rings for women and didn’t propose for 6-18 months later. O_O

   6. My fiance and I spoke about getting married very early on and we both knew it was happening eventually, but, realistically, I’d say I was “waiting” for a proposal for about a year to 18 months after seriously discussing engagement rings. He apparently had the ring for about 4 months before proposing and was waiting for a pre-planned trip. It drove me nuts to know it was coming but not know when, so I understand where you’re coming from. That being said, the proposal he planned was perfect and yours will be too.

      Don’t ruin this for yourself!! …and Congrats!!

   7. Mine only actually had it in his possession for a week or two before he proposed. Ordered it custom a few months before. Don’t snoop or get yourself hyped on a timeline. I know plenty of people who have returned rings, took the time to reset or upgrade rings, or held on to it a year plus while they waited.

   8. Ha, my husband and I had a MAJOR fight about 3 months after he had (unknown to me) bought my engagement ring. We had talked rings, agreed on a time frame, he got a big bonus, teased that he bought me something special and shiny and I came home to…a new ipod. Yeah. We wound up getting engaged on a special trip about a month after the fight but he’d had the ring for about 4 months at that point.

      1. Oh that’s the worst. My parents had been dating for 5 years, and my dad took my mum out on a fancy vacation. They were at a high-rolling restaurant with a wandering violinist, and he didn’t propose because he didn’t want her to expect him to do so. My mum was FUMING at this point. She was broken-hearted, and planning on breaking up with him once they got home.

         He ended up proposing at a really hole-in-the-wall diner. She almost said no because she was so angry.

9. No kids here – my spouse has a disabling chronic progressive illness – but I’d note that agreeing to shoulder the bulk of the work made for a number of tough years and a lot of resentment toward her husband when my SIL tried it.

10. Does any one have a recommendation for a dermatologist who’s good for adult acne issues in Philadelphia? I have BC/BS insurance. Thanks!

    1. When I was looking for this in my city, I looked for a female dermatologist that specialized in women’s skin issues. Acne management is pretty basic, but I liked having a woman who seemed a bit more sensitive to hormonal issues and my insecurities about my skin from a lifetime of acne.

    2. Dr. Camille Introcaso at 9th and Pine.

       1. I go to her (possibly at your previous recommendation?) and really like her.

          Scheduling appointments is simple and actually honors the time of your appointment. Absolute number one pet peeve with doctors are those who keep you waiting forever to see them.

          I don’t schedule my clients like that and as a client don’t expect to be scheduled like that.

11. How can I help my SO support me in the ways that I need? I tend to be relatively negative, and my SO often counters my negativity with being overly positive, but it drives me crazy. So, if I say we’re late and going to miss the train, he’ll say “we have plenty of time!” – and we’ll end up missing it. Or if I’m upset for really dropping the ball at work, he’ll say “I’m sure you did a great job!” Once I said “oh no! I spilled tomato sauce all over my dress!” (and I had) and he actually responded with “no you didn’t!” I know he’s just trying to support me, but it has the opposite effect and feels fake.

    Lately I am under a lot of stress and struggling with diet and drinking. After I drank nearly an entire bottle of wine on a weeknight and was upset with myself the next day, he said “You didn’t even drink that much!” Objectively, I had (and he’s not a big drinker). I have tried to talk to him about this, but he says he’s just trying to be positive and supportive. I think a supportive answer would be “yeah, you did drink a lot last night – everything ok?” Do you have any advice on how to work this out?

    1. Counseling. Seriously, your SO may better understand the concern and how to be responsive if the topic is discussed with an impartial third party, particularly one with experience. It’s a communication issue on both sides (e.g. you may have to modify your own negative trending behavior as well), but IMO, a therapist will help.

       1. Agreed. This is not an unfixable issue, but a counselor can help you both better understand how to communicate well with each other (both in terms of how he expresses himself and how you hear what he says).

       2. Thirded! Counseling is very helpful to relationships at any stage.

    2. You know, I somewhat inadvertently did this to my SO last night when he was massively overreacting to something and very angry. I was trying to downplay what happened and be positive (my stupid neighborhood peacock saw its reflection in his black truck and scratched it and he went ballistic, even though it’s just the clear coat and will easily buff out, which he can do). He being really snotty about what I said and I didn’t think that was warranted (since none of it was my fault) but he thought I was just disregarding his feelings. When I explained that I was trying not to overreact to what happened because he was so upset (and I was trying to calm him down so we could go out and enjoy dinner together), he actually accepted that. Lesson learned on my part. Unfortunately, it didn’t get better after that but at least he knew I wasn’t trying to deliberately disregard his reasons for being upset.

       Since it’s your husband who needs to come to this insight, I’d say suggest what you think a more supportive answer would be. If he thinks he has to be overly positive to be supportive, explain how what you’re suggesting would be more supportive. His heart’s in the right place. He’s just not seeing that his tactics aren’t helpful.

       1. I know this is not the point of this story but … neighborhood peacock?

          1. Yeah, there are actually two in the vicinity. One in my neighborhood and one in the neighborhood above the closest larger street. It often hangs out on my porch railing in the rain. It’s quite large so it’s very disconcerting. It’s been around for a couple years and, no, the zoo doesn’t want it.

             1. and he is a little brat who refused to be seen the entire time I was visiting, but showed up right after I left for the airport. So rude!

    3. I think my marriage looks a lot like yours, only with the gender roles reversed. It was pretty fascinating to read your post so I’m going to try go give my perspective, which may be similar to your husband’s. When my husband is negative I sometimes feel like we’re being obliged to concentrate on the unpleasant things in life at the expense of our mutual enjoyment. For example, a few weeks ago we went on a bike ride on a beautiful day and a few people didn’t follow bike-path etiquette. When we stopped for a break I felt relaxed and was enjoying a beautiful day. He was focused on his annoyance at our fellow cyclists and wanted to talk about it. I think you can ask your husband not to ignore reality (eg, tomato stains) but that you should make a concurrent effort to tone down the negativity.

    4. With my husband, it’s been useful to say that while I appreciate the positivity/trying to help, I also need to feel like he’s listening to me and not dismissing my feelings. Those affirmatively stated requests (versus “please stop [whatevering]”) seem to be easier for him to implement.

    5. Have you tried telling him that you are just venting/expressing your feelings about something and that you do not need him to fix it? You should have a discussion about the fact that you are going to start doing this before you actually tell him, “I am about to vent/complain/whatever about something and I just need you to listen/acknowledge and not fix it.” I have had great success with this approach. (I learned it in therapy.) It seems to me like he is trying to “fix” the mood he anticipates you will be in or fix your negativity. If you don’t want him to do it, you have to tell him. He can’t read your mind and likely thinks he is being helpful and trying to lighten the mood.

       1. This is fascinating, and I’m really wondering if it’s the dynamic in my marriage. Thanks!

    6. What I would find most annoying and upsetting about what your husband does is not even his need to respond with positivity (though that too can be annoying), but rather his complete denial of reality. He says you didn’t spill tomato sauce on your dress when clearly you did. He says you have plenty of time to make the train, when in fact you end up missing it. He says you didn’t drink a lot when you really did (at least, by your standards; maybe his are different). He says you did fine at work when he has no basis for knowing that. There are ways he can be supportive and encouraging without completely denying reality. I’d start by addressing that. Why is he so desperate to make things ok that he will say it’s daytime when in fact it’s midnight?

12. I am all about the links today. This is of George and Amal’s new country house: http://www.lonny.com/George+Clooney+and+Amal+Alamuddin's+English+Country+House

    1. That is gorgeous. And Jonah Hill’s NYC place, which was featured next, is amazing: http://www.lonny.com/Jonah+Hill's+SoHo+Loft+is+Pretty+Much+Perfect

13. Anyone here try to fix a heel that’s falling out? The plastic part of the heel (the part that touches the ground when you walk) is sliding down on the heel constantly – I’m tempted to just glue it back on, but these are expensive shoes so I don’t want to do any damage. Then again, I don’t really want to pay a cobbler to apply superglue when I can do it myself…

    1. The tips? You can pull it out and put new ones on (I bought a bunch on Amazon, for convenience), but a cobbler shouldn’t charge too much to replace them.

    2. This fix usually costs me about $10 at the cobblers. Worth it to me on an expensive pair of shoes because I would no doubt ruin them.

14. Practical tips for being more self-disciplined? Busy and stressed out, I have let a lot of things go – especially workouts and diet. I keep making plans to eat well, get up and go to the gym, but just keep failing when the moment arrives. For early morning workouts, I do everything the books say: get plenty of sleep, lay out clothes, etc. But I still just hit snooze when the alarm goes off. Basically, I have just gotten really lazy. How can I get myself back on track?

    1. Honestly? These may just not be reasonable expectations for you at this time. Doesn’t mean you can’t do them at a later time, but this may not be the time for them. We all spend a ton of time doing a lot of self-improvement, and run ourselves ragged.

       1. +1. If you are too busy to really do these things just accept it for the time being rather than beating yourself up about it. Self-care also means recognizing when you just need to take a break!

          For my two cents, when I’m really busy I find it easier to do one thing than all the things. So, if I want to feel healthier I will try to set aside time to prep/eat healthy meals and cut back on exercise. I will choose easier things to make for dinner that I can often make in bulk or in advance (like roasting all of my veggies for the week on Sunday). If I am stuck in the office and have to eat takeout, I’ll choose foods that will make me feel healthier rather than sluggish.

          Another thing that I do is that I give myself permission to slow down, exercise-wise. If I’m normally hitting up a bootcamp or spin class every other day, sometimes that’s just too much when I’m exhausted. So I will do some yoga, take a long walk on the weekend, or just sleep in.

    2. I find that having plans to meet a friend helps a lot with snooze, as does booking classes in advance where I’d be subject to a $20 late cancel fee if I no-show (I’m cheap!). I can go to bed at the same time the night before, and if the alarm goes off for a class, my body just knows it has to get up (like it would for a flight or important meeting), whereas on my run days when I don’t have a friend meeting me, I’m so much more likely to snooze and snooze and tell myself “poor baby, it’s okay, you’re soooo tired” (when I know that in my case, I’m just being a wimp–not trying to say anyone else who decides they need rest is not legitimately making that choice!).

       W/r/t diet, I gave up a long time ago on planning, shopping, and cooking healthy meals. I now pay a little bit more for fresh, prepared meals that I pick up once a week, but I consider it well worth it for the time savings and how much better I feel not eating junk food. They actually taste really good and are a great balance of lean protein and veggies (I used to rely way too heavily on the TJs frozen pastas, even though carbs make my stomach grind in knots and don’t fill me up, and I never made sides so didn’t get enough veggies). I also don’t really have to grocery shop other than a quick trip down the produce aisle for fruit, so I’m not tempted by the random urge to buy all the ingredients for three-layer cookie bars. The savings from that helps offset the higher cost of the meals.

    3. One thing that helps me is remembering that when you’re really busy and stressed it’s just not going to be possible to accomplish something in every area of your life every day — you’re not going to be able to get in a workout, have a productive day at work, eat healthy home-cooked food, keep up with errands/household tasks, fit in some social time, get a good night’s sleep, catch up on what’s going on in the world, etc. every single day. Especially if work is busy. Focusing on one or two things each day makes it more manageable. So maybe tomorrow’s the day that you go to the gym — and maybe you let something else go instead. If you make your goal going to the gym EVERY DAY it’s going to seem overwhelming. Maybe start with one or two days a week.

    4. Don’t try to do it all at once. Find one thing (workout once a week) and commit to doing that for a month. Then expand (workout twice a week and find one go-to healthy/easy to make meal) for the next month.

    5. If you hit snooze, move your alarm clock across the room. Or your phone across the room. Then you have to get out of bed to hit snooze or dismiss the alarm.

       Also, try sleeping with your curtains more open–the daylight will wake you up.

       1. Also consider changing your alarm tone to a song that you know gets you pumped up–that kind of random alone-at-home dance party, or awkwardly dancing in the car on the way to work song.

          I also find it helps if I tell myself what I did in college to go to early classes–“You only have to get through this hour and then you can go back to bed.” Once I was up and back from class, I was awake enough that I didn’t feel the need to go back to bed, but telling myself that just helped to get out of bed. It’s a total lie to myself now because of course I can’t go back to bed, I have to go to work, but whatever works at 5am :) Telling myself I can stop at Starbucks (and that I can’t if I don’t go to the class because there is no Starbucks on my way to the office) also helps!

          1. Telling myself I could go back to bed later if necessary was key for me to get in the habit. FWIW, while it may be a partial lie, you could commit to youself that you can lock your office door/step out to your car and nap later in the day. Or, just commit that if you’re exhausted at the end of the day, you can eat cheez-its for dinner and go immediately to bed.

    6. Work out later in the day! But really, you need to decide what you want to do more: sleeps vs work out, eat caloric things vs lose weight, etc.

       1. I agree with all the people saying “do one of the things, not all of the things.” I always fall into the mentality of trying to “fix” too many things at once, then I get overwhelmed and feel defeated and get upset with myself. I’ve been reading a lot about making small, incremental changes – slowly – and that has made me a lot better at forgiving myself. So, “work out twice this week before work,” not, “get out of bed every day at 5 a.m.” Or, “make a healthy choice/give up liquid calories this week” not “eat a salad every day and make all my own meals.” This especially helps when I feel super busy. It’s not “giving up”, but it’s not going crazy, and I don’t punish myself for not meeting unrealistic expectations.

    7. A few things have helped me. 1) Started working with a trainer. If I have an appointment with her at 7 a.m., I’m definitely getting out of bed. If I’m on my own, much less likely. Having those early morning appts has helped me realize how nice it is to have some time to do my things before work (exercise, meditate, straighten up) so I tend to get up early more frequently now, rather than laying in bed watching netflix and telling myself I’ll get up in 15 minutes. 2) On the mornings I don’t have an appointment, I try to have a list of things I wanted to do before work to motivate me to get up. I haven’t done it yet, but I am thinking about setting a calendar alert for a few minutes after my alarm to remind me of what I wanted to do that morning (exercise 30 minutes, start crock pot, put laundry away, pay bills). 3) for meals, I have a monthly wipe-off board calendar. I use it to plan dinners and to calendar all our stuff going on in the evenings. Even if I don’t stick to it, its there so I don’t get home and think, “gee what should I make for dinner?” then decide I don’t want to make any of the things I can think of and get take out. It’s sort of brainless: “Oh, the calendar says spaghetti, so I guess we’re having spaghetti.”

       I am not a disciplined person – it can be done!!!

15. I’m going to a conference on Monday and Tuesday in another city. My boyfriend is tagging along (not to the conference itself) and we are getting there tomorrow to do some sightseeing.

    I’m in-house counsel and a firm lawyer who is also attending the conference (whom I’ve met and had dinner with before) invited my boyfriend and me to dinner on Sunday, the day before the conference starts.

    What should we wear to dinner? We were planning to sightsee all weekend in jeans and sneakers. The conference itself is business casual.

    1. Business casual.

    2. You’re the client. Wear what you want.

       1. Except not sneakers! Put on grown up shoes for a dinner out.

    3. IFA?

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