Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Jodie Knitted Colorblock Midi Dress

391 Comments

1. Ok, I get why this a thing but it is driving me bonkers. My dentist charges a $75 no show fee. That’s fine, I get it, people’s time is important.
   But…they also text 3 days out to confirm, call the day before, text the day before, and yesterday, the day before my appointment, called me 4 (!) times during the day. I was in back to back meetings, I know I have an appointment and I know there is a fee if I don’t show up. I stepped out of a meeting to answer the 4th call thinking either they had some kind if last minute schedule change they needed me to know about or, idk, my kid was there with a dental emergency or something. Nope. Just reminding me they will see me tomorrow.

   Is this normal?! Am I just being cranky? (Probably). They are otherwise a nice office!

   1. It sounds like they’ve had a serious problem with no shows and are trying to get ahead of it. It’s not really normal, but the no show situation isn’t normal lately either!

   2. When you go in, just see if there is a “contact me by text only” option. There is a robot doing all this and they can set the settings to annoy you less.

   3. My dentist does this as well. It’s a little too much some days.

      1. Just had an appointment yesterday, and holy cow, the number of text messages was insane. Plus several emails. And I get it, and I don’t blame them for sending all the reminders but it is a lot.

         1. Except that they remind you so many times and then are running terribly late themselves! That’s what really gets me.

      2. Same. I had to take my son for a cavity to be filled yesterday and I have at least 8 texts. One stated “we have not heard from you”; that sent me over the edge since I responded to every single message.

   4. I hear you and you are totally right. I manage the dental and eye appointments for the three people in my family – that means I am constantly getting reminders via text/call/email. I put it on my calendar and am a responsible adult. I also am willing to pay the fee if life happens and I don’t make it.

      What absolutely enrages me is when I show up and they are running an hour (or more!) behind. Because only their time is valuable, not mine.

   5. I get that it’s annoying. But I’m married to a dentist, and honestly, no shows are a serious problem. On bad weather days he sometimes gets 25% on the scheduled patients. And he doesn’t get paid if the patient doesn’t show up. That $75 penalty doesn’t come close to covering the costs. And a lot of dental clinics in my city are laying off dentists and staff or going bankrupt because there are too many clinics and not enough patients – with inflation, fewer people are opting for elective treatments or even necessary but expensive treatments. I realize dentists aren’t really the people we feel sorry for in general, but just to provide another perspective on this.

      1. Texting won’t fix that.

         1. Maybe not, but reminders help people actually cancel, which allows the office to book emergencies (vs a no show which is just a waste).

         2. Not texting would be worse though. Just because you are good at keeping track of canceling doesn’t magically mean everyone else is and a text will indeed help that. Dental in particular is more prone to cancellations post-Covid, and I think folks also need to recognize this new world.

            Honestly, I think OP is being cranky. This is pretty standard with a lot of my face to face medical appointments these days. Heck, even my hairstylist texts me day of. If answering the phone interrupts your work, then don’t answer the phone. Simple as that.

            It’s a far worse experience for the patient to not remember and have to pay $75 simply because they forgot to cancel. In the balance of pain, I’d rather get an extra text or call. Vet office, dentist, hair stylist–they’re all saved in my phone. I don’t pick up when they call unless it’s convenient for me.

            1. yep. married to an eye doc and people do not understand the concept that time is money unless that’s how their income works too. My own family has no-showed and been 45 minutes late for their FREEE appointments. teenagers and young adults are especially bad about this. Just confirm and save the number. For 4 times the day of maybe let your doc know its annoying and they can probably tweak it. These are also way worse with corporate owned practices.

   6. My dentist (Canada) does this and I haaaaaate it. They will also cancel appointments I have every intention of attending if I do not confirm and reconfirm and trip reconfirm an hour before hand, which is wild to me since I’ve never once missed an appointment.

   7. I understand but my sister just started a dental practice, and no shows can be devastating for her bottom line. As in, she’s struggling to remain in the black. They wouldn’t be doing it, if people weren’t so disrespectful of their time. Unfortunately you’re getting some of the fallout too.

   8. Normal, my dentist does this too. Just respond to the text and they stop. I like it, I’ve forgotten before.

      1. I’m the OP and they don’t stop when I reply! I did reply to the first one. Then I got a day before reminder and 3 live human calls before I picked up.

      2. They don’t stop. I respond yes, they text thank you, 2 hours later there’s another reminder, then one the next day and 2 the next day.

         1. You have to text “stop” – the robot doesn’t read “yes” as “stop,” only “stop.”

            1. A lot of the messages say respond yes to confirm appointment

            2. If what you are already doing is working for you, feel free to ignore my suggestion.

   9. No, the constant texts and triple reminders make me angry because it you opt out, you won’t get texts that you actually need. It is everyone, hair, nails, doctor. Push back on it! The dentist can certainly choose the reminder program.

      1. I agree to push back on it. To those who say it’s necessary because of all the no-shows, is there any data showing that SEVEN reminders, including four on the day before the appointment results in more people showing up, than, say, two reminders, thoughtfully spaced? I would find that level of managing me not only annoying but kind of insulting.

         1. Is it really that hard to ignore a text or phone call that’s logged? I truly don’t get the anger. And the time spent arguing is silly over a simple y or n response to a text. The reminders do impact no-shows and more than one reminder has been shown to have more impact. But there’s also variability relating to type of service and best frequency. Here’s a recent study showing impact on primary care: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9126539/#:~:text=More%20specifically%2C%20text%20messages%20and,shows%20for%20primary%20care%20visits.&text=There%20is%20also%20limited%20evidence,reminder%20in%20reducing%20missed%20visits.

            I once worked for an agency that helped a start-up that was focused on surgical scheduling software. You could go down a rabbit hole with how much work went into determining the right pre-visit and post-visit communication types and frequency and content (some people don’t use text, which I think a lof of us simply don’t recognize; those who speak a language other than English may find a call or phone message from an English speaker utterly worthless). Even the cadence has an impact. Some elderly folks have a lot more hoops to jump through for arranging transportation and need the time allowance to do that when they get the reminder. Some folks need the reminder as a cue to stop or start medication associated with a visit (for example, even with dental, some people with cardiac issues need to start antibiotics before the visit). And you want to talk impact–with a surgical procedure, that’s where it starts to get crazy with the amount of resources that have to be at the ready and the many team members who are managed to optimize productivity and the cost of the OR time if someone is late or doesn’t show.

            1. Yes. For someone who is already dealing with hundreds of “asks” a day of people who need or want something from me, it is that hard. I don’t mind a reminder. I don’t even mind forcing me to confirm an appointment that I made. But when I confirm, and then they send me additional reminders that are worded like we didn’t have an interaction 24 hours earlier in which I confirmed that I would be attending, it feels disrespectful of my time. And if dentists are dealing with so many no shows that they can barely stay in business, how are they always running so far behind? When all the medical personnel I interact with can manage one or two reminders/confirmation requests, and my dentist needs 5-10, I reserve the right to be annoyed and not feel the need to apologize for that to random internet dentists and loved ones of dentists.

            2. Gently, if a 1 sec text response to a bot is giving you this much anxiety and irrational anger, you should take this as a sign to reevaluate. I mean this in the nicest way, but it’s not healthy being this level of miserable and overwhelmed with a typical day. Truly take this as your sign.

            3. RR, texts from dentists are not the worst thing about your life. I can’t imagine walking around with this level of irritation. Whew!

            4. Huh? Are some of these Anons perfect people who don’t get irritated by petty things? No one said they’re going to have to be hospitalized due to stress of these events. Just that they’re annoying. Which apparently a lot of people agree with!

            5. Literally no one said it was the worst thing in my life or giving me crippling anxiety. But it’s annoying, and people are allowed to say it’s annoying.

            6. And the hypocrisy of being so incredibly patronizing about my being annoyed while simultaneously being annoyed enough at my annoyance to engage. Truly, and I mean this in the nicest way, maybe stop projecting…

            7. Nobody asked you to apologize to the loved ones of dentists or whatever. You’re put out and it’s a little sad

            8. “For someone who is already dealing with hundreds of “asks” a day of people who need or want something from me, it is that hard.”

               Hon, this is what anxiety is. You DO need to learn to chill.

   10. These systems drive me nuts, especially since these same offices will often cancel appointments because the provider wants to take the day off but never notify the patient or reschedule the appointment so you just show up on the scheduled date and they say, sorry, you don’t have an appointment and we can’t get you in for another six months.

       1. Anon wife of a dentist again. My husband recently had to cancel a few days because our kid was really sick and I also have a job and had some big important meetings to attend and it’s 2023 and men can handle sick babies too. Of course his receptionist calls all of his patients to let them know and it’s very rude not to. But just a reminder that dentists are people too and they aren’t necessarily playing golf on a whim or something when they aren’t there.

          1. The difference here is that his receptionist notified the patients and presumably they didn’t take time off of work and show up to the office to be told “oh, go away, your appointment was cancelled.” Or, even worse, “no, you never had an appointment… oh, wait, yeah, I vaguely remember that we cancelled some.”

          2. So only the dentist is allowed to be human, not the patient?

          3. Of course that’s understandable. I hope he waives the fee for parents who miss their appointments because they are in the same situation with kids…

             1. His office’s policy is to not charge the no show fee to people who call to cancel. Just people who ghost. His practice isn’t corporate owned, it’s definitely different with corporations (he’s an associate so he actually doesn’t make those decisions, but his boss is generally a good guy).

             2. Very fair policy. I’ve never been annoyed by a provider having to cancel (although I certainly would be if they didn’t bother to tell me like the previous poster).

   11. honestly, I opt out of texts for nearly all of my regular appts of any kind with the exception of my children’s pediatrician. I also have a separate email account for reminders like this that I use exclusively with these appointments, and I don’t get push notifications for that account (just check it once a day at most). I otherwise am very careful with calendaring, so there’s no need for me to be bombarded with messages like that.

   12. I have similar annoyance with reservations like to dinner. First you have to put a card on file. Then they text you “are you still coming?!?!?!!” the day before. Some restaurants call you after that! Then you get a “seating notification” in email, then a survey. ENOUGH.
       Is there really such an issue with no-call no-show for fine dining? Come on!

       1. I usually get one automated email two days out, which allows me to reschedule or cancel. If it’s that big of an issue, just implement a rule that your table goes away within 15 minutes of your scheduled arrival.

          Only issue I could see is something like NYE when there might be two seatings (5:30 and 8), fixed menu, sold out. If you don’t show, they can’t replace you.

2. Best gift ideas for admins? Yes I know cash is king, and there will be a generous cash gift card in there. But our office culture (and the three admins I buy for) appreciate the actual stuff. The typical approach is a gift basket of some sort that has gift card tucked in. Can be consumable or not. On year, it was coffee related, another year chocolate; another year pampering (fuzzy socks, nice lotion, etc). Fresh out of ideas this year. Help!

   1. Tea, fun cocktail mixes (which can usually be made as mocktails as well), snacks from around the world basket, all the pretty pens and note paper (depending on the people), a Harry and David fruit tower?

   2. I try to shop small / local for these things. We have several local businesses who will do up a nice gifty thing of local / their shelf-stable or fresh-baked consumables (not a snack board, although I would personally like that), so I throw the $ at that and help a small business out.

   3. Tea sampler? Snacks? Jam?

   4. We have a local bakery with a cult-like following. A gift box from a place like that would be a lovely addition to the cash.

   5. If you know they celebrate Christmas, I really like the idea of a nicer non-branded ornament + cash gift card.

   6. Movie night theme? Popcorn, maybe a nice popcorn bowl, movie-type candy, maybe a fuzzy blanket for TV-watching?

3. The Kate Cox abortion case in Texas is making me feel physically ill. Why do men hate women this much? There is no other word for it. You only deliberately cause suffering to those you hate. The Dems have their heads so far up their *sses that they’ll probably sleepwalk us all into a national ban and then ask for donations to fight it.

   Oh, and to all those so-called progressive men who tried to divide women by saying white women wouldn’t be affected by the bans, please banish yourselves to a deserted island immediately.

   1. Yes—I live in Texas and I’m absolutely horrified that this poor woman was denied necessary healthcare. This need to control women’s bodies is motivated by intense fear and it’s infringing on our healthcare rights!

   2. It’s weird that you’re expressing your anger towards Dems and progressive men. They have their issues, but they are not the primary groups to blame here.

      1. Actually, I do think the Dems are a primary group to blame – hence my anger. They strung us along for years, always using the threat of Roe being overturned to drive votes and fundraising, but they never once showed the unending creativity of Republicans to accomplish a goal. The GOP had like 16 active anti-abortion strategies going at once and kept trying for 50 years. The Democrats should have taken that seriously and never did.

         1. Creativity such as…. win the 2016 election and appoint 3 SCOTUS justices? Yea that was a real doozy. Too bad no one in 2016 warned anyone that voting for Trump would mean the end of Roe!

            1. Gonna bring this up again! There were women here, in 2016, who said they were not going to vote for Hillary – that they were either not going to vote, or they were voting Green Party – because her liberal credentials weren’t quite as bona fide as they liked, and also, she’d let her husband cheat on her. When others pleadingly made the case that a Trump victory would almost certainly mean the end of Roe, we were dismissed. “There’s so much that would have to fall into place for that to happen,” was one comment I remember. Well, then it happened. So the ire here should not just be for Dems but for all the white women who voted for Trump against their own best interests, the women who didn’t vote for Hillary because they preferred to stay ideologically pure and turn their nose up at a “DINO,” and many others who enabled Trump’s rise and election. And now people are talking about repeating the EXACT SAME MISTAKE in 2024 because Biden is “too old” and “out of touch” and the economy isn’t as great as they objectively think it should be.

         2. Please share what the magical solution was to stop this? The electorate didn’t take undoing Roe seriously until it was too late. Blaming the losing side is like complaining that a mugging victim didn’t run away fast enough.

            1. No, it’s more like criticizing the losing army in a war for having a terrible strategy.

            2. It’s def not the Dems fault, but I do blame people like RBG who refused to step down when they could have. I know she’s generally idolized but the fact that she didn’t step down in 2012 (or whenever it was) when Obama inquired about it, and when he could have appointed a replacement who would have upheld Roe really left a bad taste in my mouth. And then when she was very ill before she died, she sent out that message of “I want the winner of the election to replace me…” To quote JoJo, too little, too late.

            3. Well, it sure would have helped if RBG had retired at the right time.

            4. Why doesn’t anyone ever criticize Kennedy for retiring during Trump’s presidency, and knowingly opening up a seat for Trump to fill? Hmm.

            5. I criticize Kennedy too. But the expectations of him were lower not because of his gender but because of his political orientation.

            6. i am not the OP, but I marched for the ERA when I was a student and was always extremely frustrated with the many dismissive Democrat who didn’t grasp it’s importance.

               Women will never be free and equal if we can’t control out own bodies.

               And now more will die.

               I’m a doctor.

      2. Thank you for saying this. I don’t know why people always seem to blame Democrats for Republicans’ bad behavior.

         1. It’s partially because Republicans are so obviously morally bankrupt that there’s no hope for them. I’m angry at them too but they are absolutely beyond redemption for me. They proved that before the Cox case. But maybe some righteous anger will motivate some Dems to fight like they give a crap.

            1. I mean, there have been tons of ballot measures in red states, pushed by pro-choice groups, that have succeeded and protected women. Dems won the state houses in VA, protecting abortion rights there for now, and blue governors in PA and KY will help there as well. What else are Dems supposed to be doing?

            2. Repealing the Comstock Act would be a good start. This could have happened in past decades and since it hasn’t, it’s laying the groundwork for a national ban on medication abortion.

            3. A lot of people like to call Democrats weak (or sleepwalking in this case), ostensibly for not being as ready to break norms and fight dirty. I think that is a strength though to resist those urges.

         2. Because the Dem voters don’t vote and Dem politicians are terrible.

   3. I’ve had a pit in my stomach about this since last week. I’m so glad she was able to get treatment in another state. Her bravery in bringing this legal case astounds me, and I cannot even begin to imagine the agony of having to go through this for a very much wanted pregnancy.

   4. She was the “perfect plaintiff” (white, pretty, middle class, married, already a mom and wants more kids, with a medical issue that is not her fault), so the fact that Ken Paxton is targeting even her proves that he will target every woman.

      1. I appreciate that she came forward with this for exactly this reason. In some ways, I think it helps the greater issue to have this be so blatant (since she was able to get care out of state). Let people see how “medical exceptions” play out in practice in these states because had she gotten it, I think a lot of people in these very red states, would have said, “see it’s fine, the system works as it should” (as if it’s easy to go to court to ask for permission to have basic medical care done).

         I just don’t know what the solution is if the people of these states simply don’t care even after something like this happens. Say what you will about men, but women are half the population in these places & we’re on the Tx Supreme Court. If women came out to fix this, they could fix it.

         1. Most countries ban abortion after the first trimester, even in Europe. Why don’t you think medical exceptions are the answer?

            1. Because most people who need a medical exception don’t have the resources to take their case all the way to their state’s highest court, and the luck to have the court hear their case in the short time period they need. Many fetal abnormalities are not detected until 10-12 weeks, and most people want a second opinion or more testing to confirm before making a decision to end a wanted pregnancy. And god forbid they need a few days or a week to talk to their family and cry about it, and make arrangements to take time off work and have childcare, before undergoing the procedure! If medical exceptions were granted whenever a doctor agreed it was necessary, without the doctor fearing for their license or life, then it wouldn’t be an issue. But that’s not how it works in practice.

            2. My issue isn’t medical exceptions per se, my issue is medical exceptions as applied here. Doctors in Europe aren’t worried about going to jail or losing their license for making the decision that a patient is in medical need of an abortion.

            3. Practically speaking, these are the challenges we see emerging with medical exceptions:

               – It’s not always clear in the law what constitutes a fatal prenatal diagnosis. For example, trisomy 18 is fatal in almost all cases, but not 100% of cases. 5-10% of children with trisomy 18 will survive the first year. So is that a fatal prenatal diagnosis or not?

               – Sometimes the relative risk to the mother’s health or life is a judgment call, and the laws are not always clear on how certain a risk has to be to qualify for a medical exemption. What if continuing a pregnancy has a 50% risk of causing the mother to lose the ability to bear future children? Or a 40% risk? Or a 30% risk? If a particular condition is fatal to mothers in 15% of cases, is that sufficient to qualify? What about 5% or 25%? What if doctors don’t agree on how risky a condition is, just that there is risk?

               Professional medical associations, lawmakers, and criminal justice authorities have also been generally unwilling to provide guidance, and many hospitals are justifiably unwilling to take the risk without that guidance.

            4. The Europe comparison here is not entirely appropriate. Yes, in Europe elective abortions are not allowed after the first trimester. But any medical reason, including psychological reasons, are allowed, and that is between a woman and her doctor.

            5. As a European, that’s true, but generally speaking (and just a reminder that Europe is composed of around 30 countries, all of which have different legislation on this) the “medical exception” thing is much less controlled than in the US and is up to the patient and medical provider. I have never heard of judicial oversight of it (not saying it doesn’t happen, just that it doesn’t seem to be as common). My friend (in France) unfortunately had to terminate a very wanted pregnancy at 6 months after diagnosing a condition that wasn’t immediately terminal but would have caused her baby to have a miserable short life and a slow, painful death. She was treated with compassion and immediately offered options without judgment.

            6. Other than something like placenta accreta, how can a pregnancy cause a loss of fertility? Something like an ectopic pregnancy? Missed miscarriage? But what else? I’m not understanding how that could apply here (and I disagree that it should even be a course of inquiry).

            7. because with each successive c-section the scarring puts you at greater risk for uterine rupture which is very dangerous, and I believe usually ends with a hysterectomy. Katie Cox has already had 2 c-sections. I don’t think more than 3 is recommended. So if she carried this to term, she probably shouldn’t have a 4th pregnancy, if her uterus even survives.

         2. The solution is to change the Texas statutory definition of medical necessity. It currently requires a woman to risk her life or the loss of a major bodily function before she can get treatment. Other state statutes weren’t drafted this barbarically.

            1. It would seem a pregnant woman presenting with a truly life-threatening emergency wouldn’t have time to wait for approval. An ectopic pregnancy requiring immediate surgery comes to mind. She also wouldn’t be able to travel to another state to access care.

               TX Republicans truly do not care about our lives.

            2. The solution is to not have women’s health care subject to statutes written by men.

            3. That’s not the solution, and other states’ have been drafted this way.

      2. I’m waiting for someone to target another “perfect plaintiff” for helping another woman get an abortion. I’d help my own kid without question, and I’d like to think I’d do it for a friend, but the whole thing fills me with rage.

      3. +1

   5. Is there a go-fund me or similar for her? Either to go towards her legal fees or just for her so that she can throw money at problems that might make her life better the next few weeks? I also want to show the country that we support this woman and that if there are other people in her shoes that there is support for them both from a medical perspective and then for those that feel they are able to bring court cases.

      1. She’s represented by the Center for Reproductive Rights. They’re fantastic, and if they’re gonna keep doing this, they’ll need even more donations for sure.

   6. Another thing that’s coming out with this case is that apparently a new move by the anti-abortion people is to try to cast doubt on the accuracy of prenatal testing, arguing that the tests are often wrong (no) or that the prognosis for really dire conditions isn’t as bad as doctors say.

      Just something to be aware of.

      1. This isn’t exactly something anti abortion advocates are making up out of nothing though – propublica.org (left leaning investigative journalism) has also recently published a series about the lack of regulation around some prenatal tests and the predictable over-selling their accuracy that the companies engage in

      2. They’ve been doing this for a lonnnnnnng time, but it’s definitely getting more attention now.

      3. This gets tricky because of the levels of testing. The prenatal free cell DNA test (the blood draw like the Harmony) is a screener, it’s not a definitive test. More invasive testing like an amniocentesis is needed for definitive diagnosis. There are LOTS of women where the cfDNA is “wrong”. Those cases are absolutely going to be used inappropriately as a scare tactic.

         1. Yes, and this happened to more than one friend of mine. Which is why we need easier medical exceptions if we’re going to restrict access at all (which we shouldn’t) — it takes time for the screen to come back, then do the additional testing to confirm the diagnosis, then make a decision. I know women who ended very much wanted pregnancies because of fetal abnormalities, and it was a lengthy and emotionally devastating process for each of them. None of them got an abortion based solely on the results of the screening test. I have one friend who had a positive on the screening, and inconclusive on the first follow up, and it was an agonizing few *months*.

   7. Regardless of the merits of this case, you should understand that ableism regarding late-term abortions. There is a reason that Ted Kennedy teamed up with Rick Santorum to fund education for parents who are faced with a devastating diagnosis. Collectively, we abort about 2/3ds of the kids diagnosed with Downs and half with spina bifida – the disease that Tatyana McFadden and John Mellencamp have.

      I hate ableism in all its forms. There is a huge amount of ableism in the pro-choice movement.

      1. Sure, as long as it’s education to allow women to make *choices*, not to push them to do one thing or another. I know women who knowingly had children with Down’s (and I had a friend with Down’s when I was growing up), and I also know women who terminated. Both are valid choices.

         1. Agreed. And also let’s start increasing resources for people with Downs and spina bifida and their parents/caregivers. It is incredibly hard to get needed services for people with disabilities. If you are going to take away a woman’s choice as to whether or not to have this child, you had better be ready to assist that child with basic services. The pro life movement is only pro life while they are in womb.

            1. Yes, I had an intellectually disabled relative and while people sometimes sort of care when they’re cute kids (and not always even then), they really, really do not care about disabled adults and especially elderly disabled adults. The state provides some things but it’s not enough. As parents age and even die, what do you think happens to these people? It’s group homes and nursing homes, staffed by people making minimum wage who are pressed too thin. The level of care can be appalling.

            2. “while people sometimes sort of care when they’re cute kids (and not always even then), they really, really do not care about disabled adults and especially elderly disabled adults.”

               This is 100% true. Especially if the adult with Down’s has a lower level of functioning than what people have seen on TV or in the movies. If you want the reality of the situation when it comes to raising and caring for a person with Down’s, talk to the parent of an adult with Down’s syndrome, where the child is on the lower side of functionality. It is a constant battle for resources, for care, to keep their child safe, etc. I am not the person to talk about who “deserves” to live, but I also think there is such a thing as making a compassionate choice not to bring a child into the world when every single day of that child’s life is going to be a struggle, and they may be victimized by others because they have little-to-no ability to defend themselves from predatory humans.

            3. Yes. My relative used to even be high functioning, but suffered brain damage as a child due to medical abuse. She also died from a condition related to neglect in a nursing home. It’s heartbreaking. Nobody cared about her dignity throughout her entire life, and to know that is what life is to be for your child? It’s tough.

            4. There’s an elderly couple in my neighborhood with an adult son with some sort of intellectual disability. I don’t know them, but he looks to be in his early 30s and his (outward) behavior is that of a 5-7 year old child, and has been about the same in the 10+ years I’ve seen them in the neighborhood. He’s always with at least one but usually both of his parents, who now look like they are in their early 70s. I worry about what will happen to him when they are no longer able to care for him. I’ve often seen them taking the bus with him, and he does not seem to be able to understand how to pay for the bus himself (something my 8 year old has been at least trying to do for years).

         2. Do you support a woman’s *choice* to terminate a baby after birth with Downs (or other disability)?

            1. No one supports this

            2. There is no such thing as termination after birth, stop trolling.

            3. I ran for local office and got accused of promoting “post-birth abortion”.

               Maybe for these GOP legislators? Maybe until, say, age 40? Snicker.

      2. Maybe try advocating for affordable health care and living situations for adults with developmental disabilities before you insist on forced birth?

         1. This, right here, is why I would 100% terminate for a serious abnormality. My family has experience in this area and it’s not all fun, smiley Special Olympics photoshoots and gainful employment and loving families. Those dream scenarios are not the reality for most of us. I can’t be the only thing standing between my kid and a terrible living situation – something could happen to me at any time.

         2. 100%. I have a friend who has a child with a developmental disability that has him functioning at about a 6-year-old level, at age 20. There is so little support for people who have a seriously disabled child. We can argue all day long about what could happen or should happen in regards to support for families. But the bottom line is, every single thing my friend has gotten for her son, she has had to fight for. She no longer works full-time because of the level of care he needs that she cannot get help with. He is going to end up in a group home if he outlives her and her husband, and that’s a terrifying thought for her because of how problematic group homes are, how little the caregivers are paid, how infrequently they are inspected, etc. It is not a selfish decision to decide not to subject another human being to the callousness and indifference of the world at large, IMO. And to decide that it’s better not to bring someone into a world that will denigrate them, abuse them, ignore them, etc. because of something they had no control over. We do not have the structures in place to support disabled children in living fulfilled, happy, SAFE lives, and so I too would terminate if I got a prenatal diagnosis of a serious abnormality.

         3. This! My sister worked as a special educator in a residential facility. I couldn’t do that job. So many teens are basically abandoned by families who simply can’t care for them.

         4. YES. I have worked with disabled children for 34 years. The supports are barely there for children and their families. What little is available for adults is appalling. The stress these families go through is hard to watch. I’d never subject a child I loved to the kind of fate I see every day.

            1. It sounds like we have to fix this either way. Any child can become disabled at any time after all.

      3. I thought for Downs it was more like 90% terminate? I just remember so much pressure to get a definitive test even though it had a miscarriage risk vs just using the blood test screener.

      4. It’s realistic for people to consider the implications for raising a disabled child. Yes, there are more resources in larger places if you have the money to afford that care. But as someone caring for a disabled relative (so someone else’s child), we also have to be honest that there may not be caregivers who will be there for maybe 20+ years of care after the actual parents die. This is going to be my responsibility into retirement (which I happily accepted) but it’s possible because I knew this would be my responsibility from a young age and chose not to have my own kids. There is no way I would have been able to afford both. Plus there aren’t always professionals available to meet the gap between someone who needs help with daily living but not nursing care. That’s why it is a personal choice with a doctor.

   8. can someone help me understand? I’m not a lawyer, and I don’t get why the ruling (that essentially said it’s up to the doctors) is preventing her from getting an abortion? (and to put this in context, I’m pro choice and found this all revolting)

      1. Your Local Epidemiologist has a good procedural summary of the case.

      2. The Texas law requires a physician to say that in their reasonable medical judgment, an abortion is necessary and falls within the exception. The Texas Supreme Court essentially said that Kate Cox’s doctor did not specifically say she had made this determination with reasonable medical judgment. They also said that it is up to doctors only, not lawyers, to make this determination. The problem is that this ignores the hugely chilling effect Paxton’s office has on this by openly saying that he would prosecute this doctor for performing the abortion. Doctors don’t want to lose their license or face criminal/civil penalties. Because you can put money on Paxton finding another doctor that is willing to say that in their reasonable medial judgment, the abortion was not necessary and in violation of the law.

         1. thank you

         2. Litigator here. I assume (but have not seen the doctor’s declaration to the court to verify) that the court is picking on what it considers poor drafting by counsel of the doctor’s declaration?

            1. I suspect no doctor’s declaration would be good enough. Have any women been able to meet the statue’s standard and obtain permission for termination?

            2. Right. Not only the words used, but it seems like an “expert” could come back and say that the medical situation wasnt actually a necessity

            3. There is no doctor that will be willing to risk these penalties to say that their patient meets the statute’s language because even if they do, Paxton will find another doctor that is willing to disagree. As long as he has a doctor that will disagree, Paxton will prosecute the doctor performing the abortion. He even said that it wouldn’t matter to him if they had a court order authorizing the abortion. It’s in his pleadings.

   9. I had a couple geriatric (fun term) pregnancies. If I lived in a state like Texas I’m not sure I’d even have been comfortable pursing a pregnancy since my options about what to do if something went wrong were so limited, and my chances of something going wrong were relatively high.

      Paxton is such a prick. During the impeachment trial he whined and whined about his rights being violated. Get some perspective, asshole.

   10. The older I get, the less I like so-called progressive men. The decades of hand-wringing over whether to support reproductive rights (e.g., the “safe, legal, and rare” nonsense), the blanket unwillingness to vote for or support a woman running for president (and other offices), the bike/transit obsessives, the silence on childcare issues or fixing the dependent care tax credit, and so on and so forth. I am tired and things need fixing and these guys just want to stand around in a pack shouting about Medicare for All.

       1. Right there with you. This bro culture on the one hand and AOC and her fellow woke extremists on the other hand are driving nice decent family men and women away from the party. When, in fact, nice decent Gen X family men and women who are struggling to raise children and care for elderly parents in an age of rising inequality have the broadest perspective on how to fix things for everyone and are the voters and leaders we need most right now.

          1. Ah yes, the “woke extremists” raising issues critical to marginalized communities that are typically ignored. Can’t have that, if it loses the “nice decent Gen X family men and women” voting bloc!

             1. Well, it’s important to focus on the perfect instead of the good, refuse to compromise on anything that matters, and most of all, speak for marginalized communities without ever once asking them what they’d like or what they need. /sarcasm

          2. Who are these nice, decent family men and women? What do they look like?

       2. Are these the same guys that insist on women breastfeeding, irrespective of its impact to her career, autonomy, mental health, and personal preference? Yeah those dudes are terrible.

          1. Yup. The same guys that will espouse The One True Way of infant feeding, say “we don’t want pain relief during childbirth,” yet are mysteriously unable to take care of their own children for more than 90 minutes or organize a birthday present.

             1. They’re busy attending Biker’s Rights rallies. Or trying out organic beard creams.

       3. The bike/transit obsessive detail made me laugh out loud. Why are these guys so similar??

   11. I think the only solution is for every woman in TX to refuse to sleep with men. That should change their thinking pretty quickly. And I am serious—no way would I put myself at risk of pregnancy if I lived in TX. If he wanted any action my husband would have to agree to move out of state because I like being alive.

       1. Yep. And life in prison for the rapists.

4. I will post on the mom’s site too, but wanted to tap people that have been teens, or have recently had them with some degree of success as well.

   I have a daughter who is 10.5 and is moving solidly into tween/teen behavior. She’s our oldest of 3 girls so we are brand new to this. She has a lot of friends with older sisters which I think has in part brought the drama on a little earlier than we thought.

   Tips, advice, resources on how to effectively navigate this highly emotional and tricky age (starting now and ending in about a decade!!).

   We are dealing with sleep issues, general nastiness/unwilling to do what her parents ask, braces, perceived (nonexistent) body issues (maybe), friend drama, general lethargy/doesn’t want to participate in stuff but can’t keep busy without a screen/ is nasty like a teen but needy like a 7 year old, making sure she doesn’t turn into a rich brat, thinking she is too smart for school, fights over screen time, lamenting that she doesn’t have a phone, not enough physical activity to make her tired, all the usual fun stuff. I would LOVE for her to get a job as a mothers helper or something but she’s not that type of kid- no interest in babysitting. Her good friends are starting to do club sports and she has no interest (she does do a lot of in town sports), so she has a lot more down time than they do, but doesn’t know what to do with herself and grumps around all the time.

   What I probably need is a support group but I’ll take your general advise, wisdom, and “what I wish my parents did differently” :).

   1. Sounds like screen time is inhibiting her creativity and sense of playfulness and ability to entertain herself. We all know how bad it is for teen girls’ mental health as well. I’d start with drastically limiting it.

      1. THE SCHOOLS REQUIRE SCREEN TIME FOR STUDENTS SO LIMITING WHAT KIDS DO IS ALMOST AS HARD AS IT IS FOR ADULTS TO MANAGE OUR OWN BEHAVIOR. MANY OF US ARE HERE ON THIS SITE WHEN WE SHOULD BE WORKING.

         1. I’m shocked at how much time my 3rd grader spends on a computer or tablet at school.

            1. Agreed. And then once they have a phone they are on a million remind channels for classes and clubs and activities. Serenity now!

         2. Wow, weird caps. It’s one thing for an adult to waste time on the Internet. It’s quite another for a 10-year-old child to be struggling to find something to do without screens.

            1. HUH? YOU WOULDN’T THINK IT WAS WEIRD IF YOU TRIED TO TELL YOUR MIDDLE SCHOOLER TO DO THEIR HOMEWORK AND ALL OF IT IS ON THE INTERNET AND YOU HAVE TO BE LITERALLY HOVERING OVER THEM TO KEEP THEM FROM GETTING BORED AND GOING TO ANOTHER WEBSITE.

         3. I kind of love that you shouted this, TBH

            Screens are everywhere now. Everywhere. You really can’t do much without a screen, at school or elsewhere. The prune-faced folks who are like “just taaaaake their phoooonnes away and that will fix the problem in a jiffy!” are A. wildly out of touch with current reality and B. desperately need to examine their own behavior. I think some people sit on here 8 or more hours a day responding to posts and comments. Work on your own screen addiction first, before you throw stones at other people.

            1. I couldn’t disagree more. “You can’t do much without a screen” is not the way I live my life. There’s a certain type of person who has a tendency to throw up their hands and get tossed around by every change of the winds instead of considering what they want their life to look like. That’s a choice, not a certainty. Family rules and policies are also a choice.

            2. Try signing a kid up for a field trip without touching a screen. Schools have outsourced all data entry to us. Also doctors offices. It’s like self-checkouts: I do the grunt work of a job someone used to have except I do it for free.

            3. “I couldn’t disagree more. “You can’t do much without a screen” is not the way I live my life. There’s a certain type of person who has a tendency to throw up their hands and get tossed around by every change of the winds instead of considering what they want their life to look like. That’s a choice, not a certainty. Family rules and policies are also a choice.”

               I bet you’re tons of fun at parties.

               Seriously, do you have any friends? Do you notice that people in your life tend to not pick up your calls from (I presume) your landline phone? When you start espousing these ironclad, inflexible beliefs about how people should live their lives, do you ever notice that people suddenly “have an appointment they forgot about” or “need to get home to feed their dog” – and you didn’t even know they had a dog? If so – there’s a message in all of that. Being insufferably preachy may be a moralistically satisfying way to live your life. But I’m betting it’s pretty lonely.

            4. Anon at 12:42 must homeschool her kids, has no TV, and buys textbooks for them. The rest of us have to deal with a million apps that public schools force on us and our children. Chromebook anyone?

         4. HAHAHHAHHAHHAAH. AMEN. Loved the caps. Loved the calling all of us out. Love the accuracy.

            1. Hi. I’m glad you’re back.

   2. Is she too smart for school? I remember school at that age being a rehash of stuff already covered, and it was a huge quality of life issue to spend so much time going over that stuff again… Felt a little like doing a required training module for the second or third time, but all day, every day, with no end in sight and the developmental needs and resources of a ten year old! It really sucked the life out of me and definitely interfered with my sleep. Access to better academic opportunities helped me a lot since it felt like it gave me purpose in life and something to direct my restless mental energy towards, adults I had to respect because they were so far ahead of me in something I cared about, and when I was having a bad attitude I could at least invest in my ambitions.

      I’m not sure I understand the “(nonexistent) body issues (maybe),” but when I was this age, I was also getting the first symptoms of what end up being diagnosed as PCOS, and it just kind of sucked especially when it was being normalized when it wasn’t normal at all. I understand that puberty is rough for many perfectly healthy people too though!

      1. OP here. She’s a smart kid. Too smart for school? Probably not. Her bestie is also a really bright kid which helps.

         “(nonexistent) body issues (maybe)” means “She’s extremely fit and healthy, but every once in a while she does or says something that makes me think she doesn’t like how she looks.”

         1. Is she getting the idea that girls and women “shouldn’t” like how they look? It doesn’t even have to be from you! I know several grown women who firmly believe, down to the depths of their souls, that every woman does and should hate her body. Not in the sense of “many women have body issues and that’s a tragedy;” they really think anyone who isn’t a model should be very very insecure.

            1. This is a fascinating question. Does she actually not like her body or does she think she is supposed to say that she doesn’t like her body? It was playing intense sports that changed my relationship with mine, in a good way, so I think you’re already doing everything I would think to do, OP-Mom.

   3. I don’t want to say that the answer is always Scouts, but she’s old enough in a few months to be in a girls’ BSA troop (formerly boy scouts, now there are girls’ troops and boys’ troops). Or Girl Scouts. But we were in a bad Y Guides group and then moved to an all-girl BSA troop and it has been perfect for my kids who are sporty, but not dedicate their life to travel soccer level sporty, outdoorsy (but not overly so), crafty, and into learning about different things. It has really opened up their lives in a way that nothing else really was more than babysitting them when they were that age (they are teens now). As 5th graders and early middle-schoolers, they were pitching their own tents, planning camp menus, shopping for and cooking food for a weekend, learning how to hike safely, and also learning cool and fun things indoors. Now that one is in high school, she is using some of the merit badges to explore careers (engineering, etc.) and learn about safe driving and how to take care of a car (our local schools do not do this anymore and lord knows her parents get every possible thing done at the service department). Many troops may do recruiting after xmas, but it also gets your kid involved with grownups WHO ARE NOT YOU, which is good for every parent/child dynamic. Also: they will appreciate home so much more when they have been in a tent for a week at camp or a weekend.

      1. Good recommendation. I, too, have kids who are active and involved but not at the level of their peers. (No interest in doing that, for which I am grateful.) It can be a real challenge at times. I remember this behavior peaking around 10-11. After that, my older kid got really into music, which gave him a sense of purpose that was lacking before. I’d guess that may be what’s going on with your daughter right now. She’s not a little kid anymore but also doesn’t have a ton of freedom yet (nor should she), and her friends are all busy. Validating that this is really hard on both her and the parents.

         Also, if you suspect screen time is adding to the problem, definitely address that piece. I have had to tighten limits on screen time and only allow it certain times of day; it can’t be a free for all.

      2. OP here- it’s on our radar but she’s too young. There’s an all girls boy scout troop that you can join in our town in 6th grade. DH was an eagle scout, loves camping, and cannot wait to fully support any of our girls that want to do it.

         My other two are in girl scouts and this daughter has never been interested, but girl scouts is much different.

         1. FWIW she is not too young, she can join Cub Scouts

   4. Honestly this all sounds normal. Idk why you’d need a support group but this is parenting a teen. Stop trying to draw big conclusions and just meet her where she is

      1. OMG no — this is normal pre-teen and teen behavior, but you ALSO need a support group. Why would you not need a support group? The bigger the kid, the bigger the problem and even if they are “fine”, it is rough for everyone. Especially you. Kids who have it together at school unload to the people they know will forgive them — mom (mainly) and dad. Even if support group seems a little formal / sterile / medicalizing what is normal, it’s basically shorthand for a friend you can vent to. So grateful there is one (just one though!) working mom on my street with kids a couple of years older than mine.

      2. OP here- I didn’t mean to imply that this is not normal. It totally is. It just is hard :)

         1. I’m right there with you – I’m finding my 11 year old soooooo much harder than having an infant. And yes, it’s normal, but also – it does feel very lonesome because they are at an age when you can’t just talk about their problems to just anyone because the kids deserve a little privacy too.

      3. All sounds really normal to me, too. I don’t think this is support group stuff. Instead, I’d maybe pursue seeing an individual counselor if you’re trying to learn skills for coping with the stress or improving communication. A lot of the description reads like a lot of anger from the mom over what are normal and expected behaviors–a counselor might be helpful in identifying how to manage and create boundaries and expectations in a productive way to navigate this temporary period. A bunch of other parents sharing about being in the same boat may help in the moment in not feeling alone but it isn’t going to give you strategy as effectively. (I say this as a cancer survivor who has participated in a support group–totally different purpose.)

      4. Are you the same person who is always telling others to stop overthinking? It sounds like it, and you remain incredibly unhelpful.

         OP – no one should ever use “normal” in a sentence about parenting a teenager. It is incredibly difficult and often happens at the same time as the mother is going through pretty significant life events at the same time, so give yourself some grace and a pat on the back for reaching out. Yes, you do need a support group. You also need to surround yourself with parents who are willing to be vulnerable and not competitive, so you hear the honest truth about how crazy things are in their household instead of making you think that everything is perfect where they are and you are nuts.

         My biggest regret, looking back, is that I did not insist on going to therapy with my one daughter for whom this period in life was awful – and who mainly took it out on me. Even going by myself would have helped. Those years were truly ugly, and it is only now, ten years later, that we are having the kind of open conversations about what we were both feeling and experiencing during that time frame – conversations that are helping us to a really healthy place. But don’t let others diminish how hard this is, or your natural instinct to reach out for help. Listen to your instincts.

   5. I notice that if I’ve been on my phone too much as a full grown adult that I’m less pleasant to be around (in my own skin and with others). Something else to keep her hands and mind occupied?

      Can you set aside sports? I was not a sporty kid at all (like, zero sports, ever) and had plenty to do. At that age, I took an acting class, picked up an instrument for the school band and practiced daily and had a weekly lesson, helped care for my toddler sibling (playing with, not mini-parenting), learned how to play more sophisticated board games with my dad, had routine household chores (cleaning my own room, washing and changing sheets, helping with table setting and dinner prep) and yes, had some screen time in the form of Oregon Trail II or SimCity 2000 on the family Gateway.. when it was my turn!

   6. Following because I feel like this is where my 8 year old is headed….

      1. Same (also with an 8 year old girl)

   7. It’s a phase, it’s hard, it will eventually pass. Be kind, be there for her, be a safe place and home.

   8. Check out Lisa Damour’s books.

      1. This also.

   9. Hi, I have older teenagers that have grown out of this, so I want to tell you – this too shall pass. During that phase, I felt like I was a most effective parents when I did these things:
      – Comment on how she comes across, not how she is. I found remarking, in my mildest tone of voice, “that came across as rude” and then disengaging, rather than “don’t use that tone of voice” or “you’re being rude” got the message across better.
      – When they’re being bratty, be present but disengaged. Sometimes I swear my kids were looking for a fight to let off their own steam. When I could keep my wits about me, I would recognize the signs and suddenly get very, very busy and interested in wiping down kitchen counters, organizing the fridge, folding laundry – but all still in their presence. I would try (and sometimes fail) not to walk away from them, and would try (and often fail) not to take the bait. Overall tried to send a message that your teenage temper tantrum is so boring laundry seems interesting compared to it, but I’m not abandoning you when you are having big feelings.
      – Take them seriously but don’t offer solutions. Remind them who they are and that they’re important to the family unit. Ask them what they think. “You seem more reluctant than usual to do your usual chores? Why do you think that is? We really value the ways you contribute, so if something’s off let me know and we can brainstorm around it.”
      – Under react, under react, under react. Teenagers will take their cues from you on whether or not something is an emotional disaster. Be a soft landing place but don’t try to fix everything. If a friend is ugly to her, generalize don’t personalize. Not “Jessica’s always been like that, you’d better find someone else to hang with.” Instead, “Whew, that’s hard to take from someone whose been your friend for a long time.” Try to take just slightly less interest in drama.
      – Don’t punish in the heat of the moment, but behavior should have consequences. Make the consequences as natural as possible. Make it go both ways.
      – Kelly Corrigan’s pod case has some of the best parenting episodes I’ve ever heard. Search for those and listen to them again and again.
      – Make sure you are doing everything you can to regulate your own moods. Are you getting enough sleep, exercise, good food, and friend time? It is SO HARD not to ride the roller coaster of their moods right along side them if you’re not taking care of yourself.

      1. As a parent of a 9 yo I really appreciate this comment, and am taking detailed notes. Also will add that the best thing my parents did for me was to make sure I had a few activities with pretty distinct groups of friends. I had my school friends. Then I had friends on my rec sports team (not an intense team sport). Then scouts – my troop was based at another school because that’s what was available. Then I had music lessons for a spell and art studio (sampler where you tried different fine arts for a few weeks at a time) for a bit. I especially loved the art studio, even though I am not artistic, because it was cool to see what everyone else was making and it was easy to talk to people.

         Hard agree on limiting screen time. Also, she’s probably eager for more “adult” responsibilities — can you enlist her to help with planning her summer activities, for example? Or to help plan meals and set a grocery list?

      2. This is amazing advice. Thank you for generously sharing it!

      3. Not OP but Thank you for this!

      4. OP here, this is exactly the wisdom I need. My instincts are there, but you spelling some of it out really helps. Thank you!

         “Be present but disengaged” is exactly spot on. She doesn’t want to engage with us, but she doesn’t want to be alone. I am trying too hard to engage with her and getting pushback.

         1. Lisa Damour says that teens want “houseplant” parents—a constant presence that doesn’t actively engage.

      5. I’m late to the conversation, but wanted to ditto this comment as a parent of now college students. I’ll add that you should try hard not to take the attitude stuff personally – which can be difficult in the heat of the moment! That helps so much in responding to difficult behavior calmly, without adding your own emotional response to the mix.

      6. Thank you for this advice, Savannah. I especially see how “that came across as…” could be helpful and am going to try it.

   10. I’m not entirely sure what you mean by perceived body issues, but I’ll share this experience in case it’s helpful. My oldest started talking negatively about her body at around that age and was concerned that she was too heavy because she was shaped differently than her friends. In reality, it was a combination of different body type than her friends and being ahead of them on the puberty timeline. We set up time to talk to her pediatrician without her prior to her next checkup and shared this with the doctor, with the request that she discuss weight and reassure our daughter during that checkup. Our pediatrician was very receptive and did an excellent job handling it during the checkup, and continued to touch on the topic gently over the next couple of checkups too. That went a long way to calming our daughter’s concerns – certainly it did much more than anything we said as her parents, even though we were saying the same thing!

       We also hit some serious stress/anxiety/sleep issues about that age and eventually took her to therapy for a bit to help with that. Again, having someone else tell her the same things that we were telling her helped. They don’t like to listen to parents at that stage!

       Friend drama is inevitable and has been worst with both my daughters in late elementary and early middle school. I tried to offer a friendly ear when wanted, recognize emotions and how hard they were, and occasionally gently say something like “do you think that’s how a good friend should treat you” when I thought she was somewhat receptive. Getting in the middle of it, talking to parents, or offering my opinion too strongly or directly on the behavior or situation never seemed to accomplish much. Good luck!

   11. Parent of a nearly-13-YO girl here. You’ve gotten a lot of really good advice so far, and i am definitely taking notes myself, but the one thing that nobody else has mentioned is to find a safe way for her to share with you. You want her to talk to you!
       We tend to do it in the car driving home from sports practices, bc that’s when DD is most communicative, i think it’s an endorphin thing? I try not to judge, but empathize t I ask questions. If she’s really struggling with something – and we have had a few friendships blow up- i might share a story from my own tweenhood whether it’s “We all go through this” or “here’s what worked for me” or even “here’s what NOT to do!”
       I have figured out a few things that were bothering DD and/or stressing her out that we might not have otherwise been aware of.
       YMMV time wise but try while cooking, late night snack, afternoon walk, etc.

       1. Oh, +1 million to talking stuff through when you have no possibility or expectation of significant eye contact or it feeling like a “serious talk.” Driving or going for a walk with my mom is always when we had the least stressful conversations.

          Husband and I even today get our best “let’s talk this out and make a decision” conversations done while walking or biking.

       2. I’ve found that writing notes back and forth with my 8-yr-old is great for this, too. She has various journals for notes, doodling, etc. So sometimes she’ll ask me if we can write notes, and she’ll hand me the journal with a page marked where she’s written a question or hard feeling or drawing of what’s going on. I write back with some reflection on what she’s written, and I try to end with an open-ended question so that she has a prompt to write back.

          This seems to work well because it lets us “talk” about hard stuff without being put on the spot.

   12. What I wish my parents had done was tell me that they know I’m starting to go through a lot of changes in life (puberty/body changes, hormone changes, friend changes, activity changes, etc.) and they knew that and understood that I would sometimes feel completely irrational/not myself/upset/whatever and that they were here to listen and offer advice if desired. And said that repeatedly and actually meant it at least some of the time. You are within a few years of her entering a time when she’s going to be presented with some risky choices and you need to be someone she can trust 100% to go to when she’s faced with them. And to know that you’ll support her if she’s ever in a sticky situation and needs help (whereas I knew I would just get yelled and yelled and yelled and yelled at for doing anything out of line whether it was my choice/fault or not and can you tell I still have some resentment here? Don’t make your kid resent you. I think you are asking this question in part to avoid that). What you should not do (which was done to me and my brother does to his similar-aged girl) is yell at them for being moody. Another poster said it well that you need to learn how to frame your criticism to help guide her toward better choices. And as others have said, she may need/want different activities if she’s not super into sports (theater, music, dance, art, knitting, scouts, even teaching little kids her sport if she does still enjoy it). Maybe you can brainstorm other ways for her to earn pocket money if she doesn’t want to babysit/mother’s helper (shovel some sidewalks when it snows, participate in a bake sale, etc.) or do some volunteering with her like at a local food pantry. Limit her screen time but maybe get her a kindle and kindle unlimited so she can read as much as she wants.

   13. Read every book by Lisa Damour. Start with “untangled.”

   14. Any chance of getting her interested in those sports? Club sports made all the difference for my daughter.

       Keep an eye on the friend dramas. My daughter ended up being in the middle of a mean girls situation around then. It had long lasting consequences. I would advise not doing the club sport with the same friends if you suspect there’s some toxicity in the friend group. For my daughter, choosing the sport independently of the friend group was the right move.

       1. Club sports are not for everyone, nor every family. I would never recommend that unless a kid is really, really into a particular sport.

       2. OP here. She’s a sporty kid that is destined for intramurals. Which is fine by me and our family. Maybe that will change if she finds a sport that is her One True Passion* but right now, she likes the exercise and being outside and seeing her friends. Club near us is too much- 3-4 practices/week, plus games and tournaments, year round. Her two good friends do club lacrosse; one does club field hockey and a few do club soccer. She has played all those sports and still plays town lacrosse, volleyball, softball and basketball (not all at the same time) and summer tennis league.

          Even though her very good friends do club, she’s like nah, I don’t like it enough. Which I totally get!

          *Okay technically she’s obsessed with skiing, but we can’t be a ski team family (and she doesn’t want to race anyway). We ski as much as possible as a family and with friends though!

   15. Eventually, what she “wants” is going to be secondary to what the house rules are, and those house rules involve less screen time. A lot of parents have rules like “you must do at least one activity,” which could be a sport, learning an instrument, science club, whatever. Let her pick the sport but know that sitting around on her butt isn’t an option.

       1. OP here, she probably has like an hour of screen time per day? More if there’s a sports game on that she wants to watch (she’s a big NBA fan and will often watch with me or DH as bonding time). She’s got things to do/activities (right now it’s town basketball 2x/week, a pottery class 1x/week, a weekly softball batting clinic, and a weekly after school math club, plus we ski most weekends), just not *as many activities* as some of her friends. She’s off the bus and home by 3pm and doesn’t go to bed until 9/9:30 so that’s a lot of time to kill. Her elem school does not have homework. She reads a lot.

          1. the tough love I got from my mom when being a bored whiny brat was “you can either find something to do or I’ll find something for you to do” and that was sufficient motivation for me to go use my imagination, lol!

             1. This right here. :) I became a voracious reader because books >>>> random chores.

   16. solidarity. I have a 10.75 year old who is great out of the house but throws temper tantrums like a toddler with us at home and/or will burst into tears if any of us looks at her sideways. I know it’s largely biological but MAN IT IS TOUGH.
       following for ideas.

   17. Every child is so different but based on my experience with my now 23-year-old and watching my sister go through it with her now 16-year-old (and feedback from the 16-year-old about what she thinks her mother should do differently with her younger sister):

       (1) Limit screen time. I did not allow screens in bedrooms until my daughter was in high school and she knew that was a privilege that could be lost. No screens at the table. No looking at your phone while an adult is talking to you unless it is a quick question. (She learned pretty quickly that if I said her name and stopped I was waiting for her to put her phone down.) According to my niece, being able to tell her friends that she did not have access to her phone was key to avoiding drama and this was her #1 suggestion for her younger sister. Tell her to tell her friends you will read her messages – even if you don’t. It cuts way down on problematic texting if she can just say “Dude remember my mom reads my texts”.)
       (2) Limit access. School devices should already be set to block certain websites (in my niece and 14-year-old nephew’s case they cannot access Instagram, TikTok, etc. on their school devices). Block them on your kid’s devices as well until they are 16-ish. (This was my niece’s #2 suggestion.)
       (3) Do not raise your voice. Refuse to escalate. Stay calm in the moment (and believe me, I know that is easier said than done). Handle disciplinary issues in private.
       (4) The flip side (and I did this and my sister did not and you can tell), I refused to tolerate active disrespect. No backtalk, no eye-rolling, no ignoring me when I am talking. We had a list of reasonable chores and there were consequences to not doing them. I explained the reasons for my rules; I was willing to discuss rules; I did not have a lot of rules. But I expected my rules to be followed. And if they were not I did not yell and I did not argue. I confiscated her phone and made her do her schoolwork at the dining table where I could see her.
       (5) Follow the rules yourself! If you say no phones at the table, don’t have your phone at the table unless it is an emergency (and then explain). If you don’t want your kid on social media or texting all the d*mm time, get off your phone. If you want your kid to speak politely to you, speak politely to them. Model what you want to see.
       (6) This was my rule (my sister’s kids are all super athletic so she did not need this one), my daughter had to do one non-school activity at a time. It could be sports (only when she was young; my kid was not athletic). It could be scouts, art, music, or theater (which turned out to be her high school hobby). But she had to do something that required her to get out of the house and interact with other people.

       This age is really hard. It helps to just acknowledge that for yourself and them. Your kid is going through so many physical and emotional changes and nothing can make that easy. It will get better. Know that and tell her that. I found just talking to my daughter about it helped. Explain what you are trying to accomplish and ask for her suggestions for how to get there. Start giving her more agency (this was the age when I started asking before I posted her photo or information on FB).

       This too shall pass!

   18. Second the Lisa Damour books, but another one I found very practical and helpful (and honestly spoke to me more as a grumpy old GenX) is called, “Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall.” It explains why tweens and young teens are kind of a-holes, and gives a lot of practical strategies about dealing with their moods and their attitudes about various things. My eldest is now 15, and while she definitely has her moments, she can also be completely lovely and helpful in a way that she just wasn’t as a tween/younger teen. It gets better, I promise!

5. I have a new teen driver and now the sun seems to be in our eyes any time we go to practice driving. She isn’t usually a sunglasses wearer, so we don’t have a pair. I need something for serious sun protection — a new driver dealing with sun isn’t something I want to fool around with a $10 pair from the drugstore. Recommendations? [I know the answer is to get her what I have, but I have such dark brown eyes that the sun doesn’t bother me, I have some progressive readers that work well enough (but aren’t what she needs), and I’m good at using my left hand for spot protection / screening, which is something I wouldn’t trust her to do well when driving is so new.]

   1. I live in Texas and the sun is no joke here—especially late afternoon driving. Sunglasses are a must. I recommend looking into polarized lenses. They have the best clarity for driving and come in all different price points. Big box stores have optical shops and you can find a nice pair of non-RX sunglasses there. Good luck to your new driver!

   2. Not what you are looking for, but are the windows of your car tinted at all? My eyes are very sensitive to the sun, and I wear sunglasses to drive year-around. When I got a new car without tinting, though, even sunglasses were not enough. The tinting on the side windows with a dark strip across the top of the windshield was about $300 at an after-market place next to the car wash. Worth every penny.

      1. Check your state for rules about tint. Some states are much more strict about the level/degree of tinting that is legal.

   3. Go to Costco and get a couple pairs of Kirkland brand.

   4. Goodr sunglasses are polarized and $25.

      1. 2nd the recommendation for Goodr.

         1. Was going to say the same thing!

      2. Goodr sunglasses are great. I also like Knockarounds.

   5. Ironically I wear sunglasses more in the winter than summer for this reason – that low angle means the glare is extra bad. I’ll 3rd the rec for Goodr but if she’s the type to want a name brand or less athletic styling, Ray-Bay’s polarized aviators have been my ride-or-die for a long time now, and have held up well.

      1. Usually I have a short 2-mile commute that is roughly N-S, but there are a few E-W streets and something this time of year means that at my driving time, the afternoon sun is RIGHT IN MY EYES on a westbound street. In another month it will be better but OMG I had to drive east in the morning after an appointment and it was horrible then also. I sort of forgot how I once vowed never to live to the west of where I worked (then COVID happened and I never went anywhere) and now I’m remembering why.

   6. Between DH and I, we have quite a variety of very nice sunglasses.

      For expensive really nice polarized sunglasses, Smith Optics ChromaPop polarized sunglasses made me a believer in polarized sunglasses. I didn’t think it was that big of deal until I tried on DH’s pair and holy cow – amazing difference.

      However, I think goodr polarized sunglasses are pretty great too, and they’re a fraction of the cost of expensive sunglasses. I switch back and forth between my $200 pairs and my goodr $20 pairs, and the goodr ones hold their own quite well. Plus way more fun for a teen, and if teen loses them you’re not going to be mad about $20 sunglasses.

      1. +1 for Smith ChromaPop. I have the sunglasses and the ski goggles.

         For a cheaper option, go to REI. They carry a variety of affordable brands including Goodr, Knockaround, Tifosi, and Suncloud. She will have a better chance of finding something she likes than she would looking at just one brand.

         I recommend against Costa and Maui Jim non-prescription sunglasses. I have a pair of each and the lenses on both seem oddly warped so they distort my vision when worn with contacts. I don’t have the same issue with my Smiths.

   7. Goodr glasses are so, so good for the price.

   8. I have bought many pairs of Sojos sunglasses on Amazon—they’re good quality, on trend styling, and inexpensive. Plus they’re polarized!

   9. I love ray bans aviators, they’re light and classic., and Amazon sells them. I’m also marveling at how you can just not have sunglasses! I live in CA and wear them year round. Cannot imagine this.

      1. I’m a year round sunglass wearer and a native Californian. If I’m outside during daylight hours, I’m wearing sunglasses.

         A friend recently told me his mom wears sunglasses when driving at night because of how bright headlights are now. I’m starting to think that’s a good idea.

         1. I have some yellow tinted glasses specially for this. They are helpful.

            1. For the headlight issue? Yellow tinted glasses help? That would be nice!!

            2. That’s brilliant. The new headlights are legitimately painful for me

         2. I. HATE. LED. Headlights.
            Signed, your friend with astigmatism

            1. AGREED! I really try not to drive much at night now because of this, and I’m 38.

   10. Target sells good polarized sunglasses for not very much. These are the ones I’ve been wearing since they were still “Champions C9”.
       https://www.target.com/p/men-39-s-rubberized-wrap-sport-sunglasses-with-polarized-lenses-all-in-motion-8482-green/-/A-81257709

   11. Also recommend a brimmed hat/baseball cap. If the sun is below my car’s visor sometimes a hat can still help keep the beams from shining directly at you and the shorter you are the more likely the car visor won’t cut it.

   12. Make sure the windshield is clean, too, to reduce glare.

6. For those who have contacts: have you noticed any issues with using tubing mascara? I got a free sample of Tarte tubing mascara that I’ve been using for about a month and just connected the dots with some weird issues I’m having with my contacts. Drier eyes, contacts feeling like something is coating them, weird halos at times. Obviously I’m going to stop using this mascara. Or maybe I need bifocals, lol.

   1. stop with the mascara but also – go to the eye dr? those appointments are so quick and with things like discomfort and halos I wouldn’t want to wait around for a few weeks to see if it was just the mascara…

      1. +1. Sudden vision changes aren’t cause for panic, but they’re something to get checked out.

   2. Another possibility is a quality control issue with the contact lenses, if the issues coincided with a new pair or a new box. I thought there was something wrong with my prescription and figured out that it was a string of defective lenses. My optometrist said this is pretty common.

   3. Hmm, that’s interesting as I am a life-long (like since age 10) contact-wearer and I love and now only use tubing mascara. I think it’s so much easier on my eyes.

7. The Crown Princess of Sweden wore a prior-season Aldo clutch to a Nobel prize event — retail price was about $65. I don’t know this person, but I applaud this choice.

   1. Nice!

   2. Prior-season? *Gasp*! Clearly Her Royal Highness doesn’t read here…

   3. She also wore an H&M dress to her brother’s wedding. It seems like she’s fronting the conscious collection, which makes sense since H&M is a Swedish brand.

8. How would you respond to an email from a male attorney in your department (in-house legal) that essentially says “Hey, one of so and so’s previous responsibilities was getting gifts for our admins. Unless you tell me you were already planning to do this, I will take care of it this year. Just let me know. Otherwise, I will send an email this afternoon.” Should I just say thanks for doing this? Something more? I think he wants me to do it so I don’t want to open that door..

   1. I take that stuff at face value. “Please go for it! Thanks!”

      1. +1

   2. I’d say thanks for doing this! Don’t pick this up as your task unless you enjoy it and want to do it until the end of time.

   3. I read that and think that you have a male attorney who is willing to do female-coded work. Thank him.

   4. Great, thanks for taking care of it!

      I agree that this feels like a passive aggressive email trying to get you to do it, but it’s super obnoxious and unless there’s some reason you feel like you need to go along with it, I wouldn’t. If it’s actually your responsibility, he should just say that, not say he’ll do and then expect you to contradict him. If you want to be nice, you can say you’ll do it next year (making clear that it’s a rotation, not a permanent expectation), but I might hold off on that and only mention it later.

      1. I don’t really get how this can be read as a passive aggressive angling for the op to do it. This reads as the perfectly polite offer to take this on, with the ‘unless you are already doing it’ thrown in so as not to step on any toes.

         1. It’s the part about how it was previously so and so’s job to do it and though we never mentioned it before you might magically know that you’re supposed to do it. But since you’re not magic, I guess I can do it this year unless you tell me not to just feels obnoxious. I’m reading this as coming from people who all have the same job, so there’s no reason it should be her responsibility and not a shared one, though obviously she knows her workplace better than I do… if the tradition is that the junior person always does it, that would be different. But I certainly wouldn’t make a big deal about either way! Definitely take his offer at face value.

            1. Wow, way to assume the worst in people.

            2. but it doesn’t say or even imply that she’s supposed to know to do it.
               Genuinely, what if this was a well intentioned male colleague who is perfectly willing to take this on – what would be the phrasing for him to tell you “hey, one of us needs to do this, I’m happy to to it” without you second guessing what he reallllllly meant?

            3. Exactly what you saiid, none of this beating around the bush of maybe you were going to do it because the person you replaced used to do it. But I agree, she shouldn’t get worked up about this! I was just trying to validate her feeling that he was being kind of annoying and trying to get her to do, but also telling her not to worry about it and just let him do it, not overthink it!

            4. I’m reading this as “so and so who left the company” used to do this. Not “so and so whose role you’ve filled used to do this.” In any event I’d write “thanks joes! I appreciate you handling!”

      2. Do not “be nice” and say that you will do it next year. Explicitly offer a rotation instead.

   5. I would just reply with something like, “hey X, sounds great, thanks so much for taking the lead on this!” and let him do it. I wouldn’t read into his email that he wants you to do it, just that he doesn’t want to duplicate work if you are already doing it.

      1. +1 agree. Sounds like normal coordinating.

   6. You say thanks, appreciate it, wasn’t planning to, could trade years, etc. I don’t see what his being a man has to do with this, sounds like normal team collaboration.

   7. Thanks for letting me know. I’d really appreciate you handling it.

      1. Not this. “I’d really appreciate you handling it” is technically neutral but also can be read with a negative tone, like you’re a superior giving an order. I’d be annoyed if someone responded to me taking on extra work that I already was going to do with that sort of response. Stick with the language others said.

   8. “sounds good, let me know what i owe you”

   9. “Awesome, thanks!”

   10. This sounds to me like he is stepping up to the plate but doesn’t want to step on your toes OR create the impression that he’s taking on this task in perpetuity. I’d just respond “sounds great—thanks!”

9. Does anyone know any summer programs for high school kids that would actually teach them how to write a research paper or a good expository essay? Our school is too big to do that for kids, even likely college-bound ones, and my parent friends of older kids are lamenting that as an unexpected downside of being in a large urban school system. They can teach your kid things that can be auto-graded by a bot, but don’t have the bandwidth to spend an lot of individual time and attention on things like this. I get that private schools do this, but we can’t really switch at this point (the non-religious ones where we live have alumni with kids who are stuck on waitlists, so there is no hope for us). Is this what teen summer programs at colleges and boarding schools do? And are any of them actually good? One kid already goes to a summer music camp at a college and really enjoyed expanding her horizons.

   1. I am so sorry to hear this is not being taught in schools. I disagree that a school can be “too big” to teach research and writing, but I am sure that is a line they give and parents feel they have to swallow. No kids, so no advice on programs, just sympathy. This is the one thing that made my undergrad and grad school years successful. Good on you for seeking out this enrichment and again, sympathies that the system is failing your child so severely.

      1. Agree with this. Size of school has nothing to do with it. It’s either part of the curriculum or it’s not. It was part of my English curriculum throughout high school (the good old 5 paragraph essay and persuasive essay in 9th-11th grades and then the research paper in 12th grade English/AP English (all 12th graders did a research paper)). I also don’t have kids or know of a specific program, but maybe you can talk to a high school English teacher or even professor at a local college about doing a summer independent study/tutoring sessions (paying the instructor, of course).

      2. Yeah I don’t know what the size of the school has to do with it — the teachers have about the same number of students each regardless of the size of the school. I’m sorry to hear that this isn’t being taught, but we covered this starting in middle school in my large public schools in NYC, so I don’t think size and public is the issue.

         1. For real – 5 paragraph essays started in 4th or 5th grade for my kids (admittedly basic ones, but still). Full on research papers started in 6th (once again basic, but 5-8 pages). By the time they were in 9th grade they could write research papers and all sorts of essays in their sleep. Of course, expectations, paper lengths, and standards (grammar, style, research) were raised over time but they had had the foundation in these sorts of papers for years.

            1. This is about the progression I had in my public suburban schools, and by my senior year those of us in AP classes wrote at least 6 papers (4 quarterly critical analysis papers in AP English alone) of no less than 20 pages, plus a series of shorter papers, and got individualized, detailed feedback on each one. I know those teachers were spectacular and dedicated, but the contrast to it not being taught at all is stark and disappointing. Colleges are not supposed to be remedial, though I understand many of them are now.

      3. My daughter is a high school senior. Only IB and AP courses at her high school teach writing, and the kids start out so far behind that the teachers really don’t have a chance to get them writing at a college level within two years. Her sophomore honors English class wrote a single essay, which was the state writing assessment.

         When I was in junior high I learned to write at CTY. My daughter took one of their on-line writing courses and the quality has really declined. I would look at private school summer programs or actual college freshman comp courses, not the programs directed at high school students that are housed on college campuses.

   2. My large urban public high school did this. I took a two week class before 9th grade taught by one of the English teachers. It was excellent (and cheap). There are lots of summer writing classes out there and I’m sure they vary in quality, so you’re going to want to get feedback on local options.

   3. Good for you for looking into this – it’s honestly tragic that schools aren’t teaching this. I’m in a writing and research heavy (non-law) profession and it’s honestly embarrassing how many coworkers can’t write well. I also adjunct an undergraduate class in my field (so not English or composition!) on the side and all I can say is WOW. These schools are doing SUCH a disservice to students at all levels. Kids who are college bound will flounder in college without this kind of academic background, but good communication skills are paramount for students who are not college-bound either. Don’t get me started on schools not teaching critical thinking, extrapolation, or analysis…

      Does the school itself / the school district / the public library system have a writing center? They may have summer camps or school year bootcamps that teach this, or the ability for your child to meet one on one with a writing tutor.

   4. I’m a college professor at an elite SLAC and teach a lot of first years…in case it’s helpful data, most students come in without this skill and have to learn it in college (with mixed results!). It’s not something professors can assume students already know, unfortunately! (Not necessarily great for your kid, but maybe reassuring to know it’s widespread? I also see this across a range of kind of schools).

   5. Please let me know if you find a solution to this! I’m only in my early 30s, but the interns I manage who are all coming from masters programs, can not write. I spend so much of my time editing when I shouldn’t have to. I admittedly had an old school English teacher in 9th grade so maybe she was the key and I never realized.

      1. Agreed on the old school English teachers! My 7th grade English teacher made us turn in a writing assignment every single week. The types of assignments varied, but at least half were ~ 5 page essays. He was a stickler about everything (sentence and paragraph structure, vocabulary, deadlines, behavior in class) but was especially strict on grammar.

         To this day I owe my writing skills to this teacher.

         I have a master’s degree in a social science and worked as an intelligence analyst for years and now am a technical writer – I have spent countless hours writing and editing throughout my career and nothing was as helpful to me as this teacher.

      2. How did they get through a master’s program (where presumably they had to write a thesis?) without being able to write?

   6. Well, this explains why our young new hires can barely string two sentences together, much less write a brief. This needs to change. Following…

   7. The New York Times runs a summer intern program for high school students. I think learning the basics of investigative journalism could help with this. Our local public university also runs an eight week summer writing course for high school students.

10. Anyone have ideas for fun new year goal or vision setting activities you cab do with friends other than a vision board party?

    1. If it’s your thing, yoga studios often have New Year events that are intention/vision setting.

    2. I enjoy the YearCompass and while I’ve only done it alone, I think it would translate well into a group setting if you limit the share-time. https://yearcompass.com/

11. My parents are at a stage in life where they don’t need or want a lot of physical STUFF. For Christmas, I was thinking of getting my dad a gift subscription to a newspaper or magazine. He already has a digital subscription for the largest local paper. He’s politically moderate and likes to be informed, but is not a nerdy wonk of any kind. He lives in the rural Midwest. I think something like the New York Times might be off-putting. Any ideas? Maybe a local NPR membership?

    1. NYT subscription comes with other things he might like – games, cooking, Wirecutter (dads love Wirecutter).

       1. For clarity – it only comes with those things if you specifically pay for them. The basic NYT subscription does not include games, cooking, or sports coverage. Not sure about Wirecutter.

          1. Flip side of this- you can pay for just a NYT Games subscription!

             1. This is what I bought my Dad this year and it came with a bonus of the entire NYT. I wish I had it but it won’t let me upgrade.

          2. Yes it does. My All Access subscription includes Cooking, Games and Wirecutter. I use them all regularly. Make sure you get All Access.

             1. https://www.nytimes.com/subscription/all-access

                “ All Access includes news, plus Games, Cooking, Audio, Wirecutter and The Athletic.”

       2. Wirecutter also comes in its own subscription if OP thinks NYT isn’t up her dad’s alley. OP, what about a digital sub to WSJ? That’s what I got my dad one year and he’s liked it enough to tell me to sign him up for another year.

       3. Consumer Reports

    2. Wall Street Journal?

       1. +1. I would do WSJ.

       2. No, the WSJ is worse for moderates than the NYT. The editorial page is full-on MAGA.

          1. No, the WSJ is worse for moderates than the NYT. The editorial page is full-on MAGA.

    3. The Week?

       1. My Dad loves the week!

    4. Not what you asked, but a gift membership to a museum or zoo?

    5. Is he into sports? If so, consider a subscription to The Athletic.

       1. Hadn’t thought about that one, but that’s a good idea. He used to really like Sports Illustrated but he gave up the subscription about 5 years ago.

          1. The Athletic is great. I barely watch sports but really enjoy its articles and analysis.

    6. Would Atlantic Monthly interest him? I feel like it is informative without being dry.

       1. I think the Economist (I only have online, so not sure about the print version) is also informative and unbiased without being wonky.

          1. Somebody gave us a print subscription to The Economist and it’s pretty good.

       2. 100% The Atlantic. It’s one of my moderate dad’s favorite subscriptions and I enjoy it too.

    7. Other non-news options:

       Outside
       Reader’s Digest
       Bon Appetit/Cooks Illustrated

       1. He is a big fan of Reader’s Digest!

          1. In that case, I think the recommendation for The Week is spot on.

             1. Concur. There’s a similar vibe.

    8. My parents have been getting Discover and Smithsonian magazines for years.

    9. My midwest history buff dad likes National Geographic History. Not very political but lots of interesting things.

12. I want to learn how to sew! Where to start? Ideally I’d go to an in-person class at a learning annex or community center, but that will be tough in this season of life.

    I learned a bit when I was younger (just needle/thread, no machine), but I think I need a complete refresh. My goal is to be able to make small fixes in clothes in the short term (buttons, tears, etc.), and in the long term – maybe some embroidery projects, which I know will take a long time to work up to.

    1. JoAnn’s and the like offer classes without too much commitment – check out fabric stores near you!

       1. Joann is circling the bankruptcy drain, I wouldn’t count on them for much. I’d look for small local fabric stores first.

       2. closet core patterns has a good online course for beginners. that’s how I taught myself.

    2. Look around youtube — I’ve been learning crochet with a combo of youtube and library books. I’ve done sewing and embroidery my whole life and what you are aiming for is not hard, you just need some basic instruction and practice. Also look for reddit communities for what you want to do — there are often posts that will lead you to other resources or will inspire you to research something.

    3. If you’re not able to do an in-person class, it might be worth seeing if your library has free CreativeBug subscriptions. They have videos for all sorts of crafty things, including sewing.

    4. Where are you located? Are there any fabric stores near you? I’d start there and ask what classes they offer.

    5. If you have a sewing machine, I recommend finding an online class that teaches you how to make a tote bag. I did a class through craftsy on how to make an easy dress which was fine but I wouldn’t recommend starting with a garment. Other beginner friendly projects are zipper pouches. That will teach you some of the basics and for mending/repair it’ll really just be knowing how to use some of the stitches on your machine.

       If you don’t have a machine, I’d just Google projects one by one (eg “how to replace button”).

       I know nothing about machine embroidery, if that is what you are referring to, but if you wanted to learn hand embroidery there are kits on Etsy that will get you started with everything you need!

    6. Definitely check out your local sewing store for classes.

       For a sewing machine, don’t feel you have to buy brand new. Check out FB marketplace – many people are getting rid of seldom used machines for free or low cost. I’ve bought several for under $100, including a fun vintage Bernina that I could never afford brand new. You may need to pay for a tune up if the person never cleaned or oiled it, but that’s low cost (ask the sewing store). Have fun!!

13. My dad is 75 and has always been in really good shape and health. About a year ago, he had an arrhythmia and got a pacemaker put in. Since then, he’s really slowed down and has trouble walking for more than a few minutes at a time. He told me that his doctors say his heart is working well and he just needs to keep working on his stamina, but it is really affecting his quality of life. Before the pacemaker, he was walking 3-5 miles a day and loved to travel to new places, but now he’s hesitant to go anywhere. I’m not local, but I will be visiting for the holidays. Is there anything I can do to help — talk to his doctors, convince him to push for physical therapy, something else?

    1. I’m surprised his doc didn’t prescribe cardiac rehab. That would be a good place to start, I think.

       1. Agreed – my stepdad also found the community of going to cardiac rehab helpful! Yes, he’s more fit, but he also got to meet new people, which wasn’t happening otherwise

    2. Two thoughts:

       1) My mom’s 78 and in very good health, but sadly I am very involved in her routine visits (prescriptions up-to-date, etc) and Medicare annual enrollment, just because our medical system is so complicated and doctors only spend 4 seconds with you, etc, etc. If I can’t go to doctor’s appts with her, I’m on the phone.

       2) This is wild to say when you think about it, but a pacemaker is such a “minor” procedure in 2023 that that’s probably not what’s the problem here. I remember being alarmed and angry when my grandfather (who raised me as a daughter) had seemed fine until he got a pacemaker, after which he started slowing down. Unfortunately, though it seemed like a causation issue to me, because I wasn’t there everyday, I wasn’t seeing very real aging issues.

       So I would definitely encourage your dad to get an appt and for you to be on the phone and to be prepared with a very specific list of symptoms. “He needs a break after walking across the house to the kitchen now. He was running 5Ks this time last year. There’s something else wrong here.”

       1. Agree that it seems like something else is causing this. I have a few relatives who have had pretty major heart issues (triple bypass or open heart surgery as well as those who have recently gotten pacemakers – not all the same relative!) who haven’t had these issues.

       2. Though also be prepared for a cardiologist to say – heart is fine, IDK what to tell you, talk to a PCP. Not saying all cardiologists are like this but many are esp with older people – they don’t even want to open the door to looking into anything they perceive as non cardiac. I hope this isn’t the case for you but it’s happened in my family – things are dismissed as aging, PCPs don’t know either – but then I guess that’s how aging using to be, a random slow down.

    3. is he on more medication? Maybe something needs to change. My dad had a triple bypass. Due to a slow recovery, the doctors ultimately switched up his medications. He was on less medication and felt better.

       1. This is a great point. Especially if he is on a beta-blocker (a medication that ends with -olol, like metoprolol) or some calcium-channel blockers can make people feel “slow” and out of shape. If he’s on one of those medications, see if they can lower the dose or even stop the medication to see how he feels without it.

          (I say this as a palliative care doctor who sometimes saw elderly frail patients suddenly feel much stronger and energetic after we stopped “nonessential” meds)

    4. Do you know what kind of arrhythmia he had? I’m wondering if his pacer settings need to be adjusted. That might be something to ask his cardiologist. Another strategy to try with the cardiologist is to build a relationship with the nurse(s) in the office. They can often serve as backstage advocates for patients and nudge the doctor to look more closely.

       1. +1 – my Dad just got a pacemaker put in but he also needs a cardiac ablation to deal with a different issue. It was explained to me that one primarily keeps the heart from beating too slow, and the other keeps it from beating too fast.

          In general I think the answer is to try to get more involved in his medical care and push for more testing. At 75 I think some doctors can be too quick to chalk things up to normal aging, but a sudden change like this merits investigation. And it is very possible your father is not being 100% honest with the doctor or with you. My Dad tends to downplay his problems, makes confusing “jokes,” and then only remembers some of what the doctor says (e.g. what he wants to hear). If you can join an appointment by FaceTime and/or get access to his MyChart you might be able to start coordinating with the doctor more closely. And if you don’t like what you find, see if he can get a second opinion.

14. Is there a way to get access to just the most basic TV channels (ABC, NBC, FOX, CBS) without paying an arm and a leg?

    I’d prefer to not to an antenna (low level apartment surrounded by higher buildings) but I don’t want to pay $80 for the most basic cable service in my area given that I’ll only watch a fraction of the channels offered. I would be okay with a streaming option or a creative solution – whatever!

    Also – Fios isn’t available in my area and Xfinity is very expensive for internet. Dos anyone do Verizon 5G for their home internet?

    FWIW, I’m in Philly and I don’t use Verizon on TMobile or any other major carrier for my cell phone.

    1. I use Verizon 5G for internet and LOVE it. We got rid of Comcast because it kept getting more expensive, the service was out regularly, and you know or can imagine what it’s like to deal with their CS. Verizon is so simple: pick up the box at a Verizon store, plug it in, boom. Pro tip: if you give your Verizon network the same name and password as your existing wifi network, you don’t have to change your devices over. We moved with our Verizon service and just plugged it in at the new house and immediately had internet. We would have been out for weeks with Comcast.

    2. Do you want the national versions of those channels, or the locals?

       For nationals – you can subscribe to their individual streaming services

       In a few cities, Sling offers packages with a few locals for ~$40/month

       But try an antenna if you haven’t! They’ve gotten a lot better recently. If dvr is important to you, look at Tablo or Amazon Fire Recast

    3. We use Hulu live, which includes basic TV channels.

    4. I’d start with an antenna. You might not get everything (I only get ABC and PBS), but they’re cheap and easy to try. Alternatively, depending on what you want to watch, you could just sign up for the streaming service associated with those channels. I have the 99 cent Black Friday Hulu deal, and it has all the ABC stuff and I also have two month promo for Paramount with all the CBS stuff for a couple bucks a month. Peacock has NBC. Those definitely include some live streaming, though maybe not all the time? It’s way cheaper than basic cable or Hulu Live. I basically just rotate through whatever streaming services are offering deals or the most interesting stuff to watch since I can only watch enough tv to justify one or two at a time besides Amazon and Netflix.

       1. Yeah I basically want it to watch Philly sports so I’d want live options for those channels

          1. We do YouTube TV, which is annoyingly up to almost $80 a month but still better than dealing with our local overlord ;)

       2. +1 – try an amplified antenna – you can always return it if it doesn’t work.

15. Oh. Oh my. I just heard, “We have to diligence them for conflicts,” for the first time. Diligence! As a verb! Oh no. No. Yikes, that’s awful on the ears!

    1. Gift as a verb is what rankles me.

       1. I cannot stand “gift” as a verb!! What happened to “give” instead ?!

          On the other hand, I remember being a college athlete and we all used “medaled” as a term as in “I medaled at that regatta” and older folks would complain about our use of medal as a verb.

          1. Gift as a verb is my number one grammar pet peeve, followed closely by social media chefs (but anyone!) who use “addicting” rather than addictive.

             1. Addicting ENRAGES me.

       2. +1 same! Give is the same number of letters! Why can’t folks just use give?

          1. Probably because you give an object, so the grammatically correct sentence is “Subordinates should not give gifts to their bosses.” People shorten “give gifts” or “give presents” to “gift.”

       3. Ahhh same!! There is already a word for this. I’m so glad there are others who feel this way and I’m not alone :)

       4. Just as a small counterpoint, I think gift is more specific than give. Give can be used in many contexts, including when giving a gift. Yes, you can figure it out from context, but I like the specificity of gift, personally.

          1. You mean donate, not gift.

       5. +1000

    2. i say it as a verb all the time. guess it’s a good thing we don’t work together.

    3. Corporate speak makes me want to staple things to my head.

       1. amen

       2. Its a very “Corporate Erin” thing to say.

          1. I love the deck she posted today!

       3. I’m in a small company and corporate speak is limited, but we have a partner that is very, very large. They will send out emails about the partnership program and they are so full of corporate speak I have to re-read multiple times to figure out if there is action required, and then I have to try and decipher what the action is and which of the multiple systems they have I need to go to do it. It’s mind-blowing how complicated they make it.

    4. Ew. That’s horrible.

    5. What? I’m in M&A and use diligence as a verb all the time. I know it’s not proper but everyone knows what I mean.

       1. +1 I’m in M&A and honestly it’s never occurred to me this would bother anyone. I don’t like “gift” as a verb either but “we need to diligence this entity” is just so, so, common in my world.

          1. I’m sorry. That is terrible.

          2. I’ve never heard diligence as a verb (not in M&A). When you use it, what do you mean? Is it like a way of saying “investigate this closely,” or is it a specific action/set of tasks?
             Not judging just honestly curious.

             1. She means “diligence” as in “conduct due diligence” review to identify flaws and vulnerabilities. The verb conduct gets dropped by a lot of people

             2. Yes, it means investigate closely. I’m somebody else who uses it as a verb.

             3. I do legal M&A, we have a pretty standard “due diligence” list of items than we go through prior to any acquisition. If someone tells me to diligence an entity, I prepare the standard request list and send it out, then set up a virtual data room for the relevant documents to be uploaded and organize with my team for them to review. So it’s a pretty specific process that wouldn’t require any further explanation.

          3. To be fair, some people here seem pretty sheltered from real life

          4. Yeah, I think we’re trying to avoid having to say “do due diligence” because that sounds sillier than “diligence” as a verb.

    6. Bingeing needs an “e” or else it is pronounced like bing cherries. This is the hill I will die on!

       1. We do this with other words, though. Infringing comes to mind.

          1. I never thought of that… now I’ll forever pronounce it “infring-ing” in my head! ;)

          2. ridging, hedging, ranging, verging.
             it’s actually pretty common

    7. As a corporate lawyer–I hear “diligence” as a verb all the time. It’s the act of doing due diligence, which is a bit of a tongue-twister, so “diligence” is just easier.

16. Hi – Because of well, life, I need to buy a rug for our home office/all purpose room including sometimes kid playing today and have no time to search. Any links to rugs I can order that you like approximately 60×80 inches but that’s flexible. Budget around $350 but that’s flexible too. TIA!!!

    1. What style do you like? Any color preference?

    2. Here are three from Ruggable that are reasonably neutral and within budget:
       https://ruggable.com/products/rayne-soft-navy-rug?size=5×7&system=rug-sys
       https://ruggable.com/products/gradasi-grey-rug?size=5×7&system=rug-sys
       https://ruggable.com/products/alina-grey-rug?size=5×7&system=rug-sys

    3. Wayfair is good for this. You can limit your search by color, fabric content, min/max size, solid color vs. type of pattern (floral, stripes, etc.), and price. Should get you pretty quickly to what you want.

17. the other week i asked a question about when to bake cookies for a party I was hosting and many people said I needed to bake them the morning of. i ended up baking some thursday night, some friday night and some saturday morning for a saturday party. i had two friends who are not shy about sharing their opinions do a taste test and i told them i had tried out 3 different sugar cookie recipes – one liked the one baked Thursday the most, Friday the second and Saturday the third, and the other liked the one baked Thursday the most, Saturday the second and Friday the third….at least in this crowd cookies baked Thursday for a Saturday party were ok

    1. I love this update!! I was so confounded by all the people acting like you’d be feeding them stale poison by baking a couple of days ahead since restaurants and bakeries do this all the time.

       1. This place can get real weird when it comes to food.

          1. You said it. I hope the people here who are so picky about food never eat out, because having worked fast food and waited tables – lots of stuff gets pre-made; lots of stuff gets held on the line until it’s needed. Like – tell me you never had to work a foodservice job without telling me, lol

       2. Me too! Bakeries sell day old bread since it goes stale, but nobody sells day old cookies, right?

       3. That thread was bonkers.

    2. That thread was so confusing to me. My family freezes leftover cookies from Thanksgiving and the December holiday parties and serves them at Christmas and it all tastes fine.

    3. I appreciate your update!

       I didn’t see that thread until a few days after, but truly bonkers. most cookies last fine for week(s!) (GASP!) if stored properly, they are one of the last things I’d worry about making in advance!

    4. Great update! Love the mini taste-off!

       It’s interesting that they both could differentiate, even though they had different tastes. I would guess they were all tasty but had different levels of crumb vs. snap? My favorite cookies are butter shortbread, and they are different on day one and three (and seven and ten), but mostly in terms of varying firmness and snap, not in deliciousness.

18. Shark or Dyson airwrap? I have medium length thin sometimes wavy hair and not enough time.

    1. I have both and prefer the Shark. And it’s cheaper!

       1. I have the Dyson and am happy with it but if I had this feedback prior, I’d have gone Shark! (The problem with being a satisfizer lol)

19. Mostly WFH. Invited to vendor dinner for holiday. Invitation included two uber vouchers. Is it bad form to take an uber from suburbs to midtown? it might not save me time but would be more pleasant…

    1. That’s what it’s there for! I’d totally use it!

       1. +1!

    2. Why would it be bad form if they literally gave you the vouchers?

       1. +1

    3. Do you really think the hosts are going to look at each guest’s Uber vouchers to judge them?

    4. Use them. There is no bad form here. Presumably that’s why they gave them to you.

    5. I love that they provided vouchers. Even if you don’t drink it saves you hunting for parking!

    6. definitely use them! FYI, you can set a redemption $ limit/mile range when sending corporate uber vouchers so they’re either not worried about it or you’ll see that limit when you view the details. if they only wanted to give you $20 worth of uber, they easily could have

20. I’m meeting a retiring colleague/mentor tomorrow morning for coffee, specifically to get her advice on supervising at our organization as I’ll soon be taking on my first direct report. I’m finding myself nervous and worried that the conversation won’t flow. Thinking of writing down some things to ask her. I’m curious if anyone has any suggestions about what to discuss. Or general questions to ask a retiring colleague that might help me figure out my own career. Thank you!

    1. are you generally a person who gets nervous about these sorts of things or is there something specific about this colleague? I generally feel like I can always make it through an hour but I’m a chatter box…. what is the reason behind the coffee date? did you suggest it or did she? was it framed as to discuss supervising a direct report or are you thinking that’s what you want to talk about? Generally, most people are flattered to be asked for advice– i think it’s fine to have a few questions in mind but don’t get too stuck on it, most conversations flow…

21. Anyone have the Shark Smoothstyle? I thought about getting the flexstyle but really only see myself using the dryer and the round brush attachment. I also am intrigued that it says it can be used to smooth and straighten dry hair too. This is $200 cheaper than the FlexStyle which is appealing.

    I have chest length wavy hair that’s very thin but I have a lot of it so my hair overall is thick.

    1. The Revlon brush is the same idea for much cheaper and I love mine.

       1. I started with the Revlon and upgraded because of how much I used/loved mine. I highly recommend starting with the one-step to see if you like it and use it.

       2. OP here – I have the Revlon and love it but it gets so hot it’s been damaging my hair.

    2. No experience with the SmoothStyle, but it sounds like it is the Revlon one-step, and Drybar has a upscale version called the “double shot.” I have the FlexStyle for curling, and if I want to just use the smooth/straighten dry/brush the DoubleShot is better at it than the FlexStyle is. The benefit of the Shark is that it uses it’s vacuum brain to suck my hair into the curling function, I’m not sure if Shark is better at just drying and smoothing than the traditional hair brands are.

       1. *its. Jesus. I had flashbacks of that troll who used to post here with all the wrong punctuation.

22. I’m freaking out about my review tomorrow, and not really rationally. This is a job I’ve been in <1 year, and while I don't think my review will be stellar, I think it'll be solid. My boss is usually pretty direct to give feedback and she hasn't said anything overly negative. I think this is trauma from previous jobs where I was blindsided at reviews. I know management at this company is much more rational. They have let a couple people go this year but one of those people was straight up doing another job at the same time and the other was basically MIA. I also do know they talked to both of them before the conversation where they fired them.

    As I write this out I am calming myself down tbh. I'm not going to get fired, thats not an uncommon feeling but not realistic. I honestly think a big part of this is that I've never really been given negative feedback and then a chance to improve – it was either got negative feedback but was planning to go to grad school anyways bc the job was a bad fit, or the job that blindsided me. This boss tells me when there is a problem (and so far there have not been minor ones). She isn't hesitant to mention criticism. I haven't gotten formal feedback yet so thats probably also part of it.

    1. My doc gave me betablockers for my last review when I felt this way.

    2. I’m glad that writing this out has made you calm down about it :)

       As someone who has been blindsided by some critical feedback in prior performance reviews I will say a couple things:
       1. You say that your boss is pretty good about giving you feedback along the way. That’s great! If you do get any critical feedback in your review that you weren’t expecting/haven’t heard already, it’s fair to say something along the lines of “you’re usually so good about giving me feedback along the way so that I have an opportunity to course-correct. Can you give me some insight into why that didn’t happen here?” Listen to what she says. Maybe it’s feedback from another colleague that she didn’t really think was warranted, but was required to include it. Maybe she thinks it’s really minor. Maybe it was a mistake not to tell you before, or it just didn’t happen for some weird reason (she was slammed with other stuff and let it slide, you were on vacation and the timing was wrong by the time you got back, she had already given you some other critical feedback recently and didn’t want to say something critical again in a short period of time, etc.).
       2. Nobody, and I mean nobody, looks at performance reviews once they’ve been completed, unless they are exceptionally bad/leading to a termination (and I think you would know already if yours is about to be like that). Whatever is there is there, and no one else is going to look at it again. Nobody cares. Nobody has time to care. Take any feedback under advisement if you think it’s warranted, and otherwise just move on.
       3. After the review happens, take some time to reevaluate your expectations. You say you don’t think it will be stellar but will be solid. Was that an accurate assessment? Was it better than you expected? Worse? Were some critical things you expected to be in there…not in there after all? Once you’ve done an internal reevaluation, it’s also important to see what your boss thinks. Does she think your “solid but not stellar” assessment was correct? What would she need to see from you to make the next one stellar, if you want it to be stellar?
       4. Remember that it’s not personal. Even if your boss is very friendly and you get along great, a review is never personal. Most bosses would probably never do them if not required by corporate. If you’re taking it personally, like this is a hit against your character, you need to look into some resources to separate your personal sense of self from your professional sense of self (probably some therapy). I definitely used to conflate the two, and after more than a decade of corporate life, I just…don’t care any more what people really think of me at work. I do my work, and do the best that I can, and I’m friendly to others and cooperative. If that isn’t good enough for a colleague, that’s a them problem and doesn’t reflect poorly on me as a human being. I do not derive my personal identity, purpose, or value from work. Do you?

       1. This is all wonderful advice.

          Like the OP, I was in a toxic work environment wherein I got blindsided in a review (even the review was a surprise, scheduled off-cycle a half hour before it started). As someone who doesn’t take stuff personally, it became very difficult: my manager bent over backwards to make everything personal.

          What helped? Just gritting my teeth through reviews afterward and knowing that the shock of fear will eventually abate.

          1. Ugh, that sucks. But hopefully you saw it as a them problem, and not a you problem, and got yourself out of there as soon as you could.

       2. This is very helpful and makes complete sense. I don’t take them personally, and I get that they’re required by corporate etc. This is totally happening because our HR director is after everyone to do reviews (which is good! thats part of his job!).

          The wording in 1 is interesting to hear. I feel like I didn’t know you could say something like that. I think that if there is feedback that she hasnt given me “fell through the cracks” is really the most likely reason – different timezones, lots going on etc.

          1. An annual review should never be a one way delivery. It should be a conversation. If there’s feedback you don’t understand, ask for clarification. If you don’t think something is fair, say why and ask if your manager accepts or rejects your premise. If you want to receive feedback in a more timely manner, ask for that. I have done all of these, with varying responses. I got feedback I didn’t understand (it was strange wording and didn’t provide an alternative I should be doing instead) and asked for clarification; my manager wasn’t able to provide any because the feedback came from someone else and he didn’t understand it either. I asked him to please seek clarification from contributors in the future if there’s anything he doesn’t understand or that isn’t actionable, because I can’t improve on something neither of us understands. I’ve said before that I didn’t think some feedback was fair because I wasn’t responsible for someone else doing or not doing something; this was largely rejected by my manager because I should have been more diligent about following up with the other person. I see her point and don’t fully agree in that particular circumstance, but I’m nonetheless glad to have raised the issue. I’ve asked a manager to give me more real-time feedback and he started doing it!

             There’s no point in a review if it isn’t helpful to you or you don’t understand how to change your actions in response to what you’re hearing. If all you hear is “don’t do X” but are never offered “do Y instead,” ASK what Y you should be doing.

          2. Absolutely! It is meant to be a conversation and calmly pushing back on any negative surprise with this very reasonable question is 100% the right way to handle it, and shows that you want to take constructive criticism in the spirit intended – improving your work.

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