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I always like these kinds of elastic hair ties — the ones that have a charm or other detail on them that really elevates them from the basic elastic hair tie.
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- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Anon
Chapter 13 here. I know I haven’t posted in a while. Part of that has been due to me avoiding this whole thing, including avoiding budgeting since I moved and got a new job earlier this year. I finally sat down today and updated my budget spreadsheet, down to the very date that bills are due/autopay comes out of my account. I feel so much better and in more control now, but still kicking myself at all the unnecessary spending I did over the last few months while not budgeting.
I also did a huge thing – I told my sister and a close friend about my bankruptcy. This is the first time I’ve told anyone in person about it other than a past therapist (went to a new one in my new state last month and didn’t mesh with her at all – still searching for a replacement who takes insurance). It feels good that I can have them for support and to keep me honest. Also grateful for the support I get here as well.
I’m gearing up to owe a lot in taxes this upcoming year because I withdrew from my 401k to move this past year. Do you all have any resources for figuring out how much I owe so I can start planning? I’ve never owed on taxes before so I’m dreading it.
Betsy
I would start saving for about 30-35% of the amount you withdrew, as just a rough estimate (assuming you had nothing withheld from the withdrawal). And good for you for getting back to careful budgeting! Moving is such a stressful time and it’s understandable to fall out of the habit while you’re getting your feet back under you. Don’t beat yourself up for a couple months, just throw yourself back into it with fresh enthusiasm.
Mantra Magic
I would agree with not beating yourself up. Being human is being a work in progress. You are clearly in a better position now and that will make it better for you to move forward in budgeting. Think of it as a learning experience and it’s hard to learn if you are beating yourself up. Also good for you for sharing your bankruptcy so you can get the social support you deserve. So proud of you!
Anonymous
I remember a post from ages ago where you wanted to move. Congrats on getting on a better track with a new job and cheaper living expenses. Slow but steady wins the race and now that you have a better launching point and a plan, there’s no stopping you from digging out and moving on. Good on you for taking these steps–you’ve done such hard things already and I know you can stick with your goals.
Anonymous
Your tax software should be able to help with estimated taxes on the withdrawal.
Anon
I am super late to reply, but if you see this I want to give you kudos for moving, telling people about your situation, getting back on track, and posting an update. I have been thinking of you and pulling for you. You’re doing great and are playing the long game just fine.
Anon
Thank you everyone for the kind, helpful replies!
anon
As a follow-up to the earlier post, what little things make you feel more youthful and carefree again? And how old are you? Early forties, and I sometimes wear obnoxiously colorful nail polish because why not? I don’t want to wear tasteful nudes for the rest of my life. I will say that going to concerts and live music makes me feel much more carefree than I do most of the time. And because I have kids, I have the joy of going to water parks. Water slides are freaking awesome.
Anon
I *love* water parks! So does my 3 year old. :)
Anon
35. Mountain biking, bodysurfing, and skiing are my faves.
Mantra Magic
I shared this morning that for me it’s going to be improv classes. I did a free improv class and it felt like being a kid again. I’ll also add that indulging my love of sparkles since that really started when I was a kid. That could be metalic pens, metalic shoes, etc. Great post — looking forward to seeing how others respond.
No Face
I love theme parks, with and without my children! Some of my best days have been running around riding roller coasters with my husband or friends without any kids!
Anon
I have a photo in my house of my mother going down a water slide on an outing with the family. She dies a few years ago, but she was 85 at the time the photo was taken. Living young! Such a wonderful role model and influence in my life.
NYNY
I’m 54, but I still love going to concerts. DH & I saw the final KISS concert at Madison Square Garden last weekend, and stood for the whole thing. True, we wore earplugs and my back was sore the next day, but still worth it!
Anonymous
dancing to modern pop music (not stuff i listened to in college)
Anon
52. Recently went to trapeze school.
anon
You are my hero.
Anonymous
Listening to current music – meaning the current top 40, not just what was top 40 back in the early 2000s in my high school and college years.
Anonymous
Joining in with what my kids are doing. Hello zip lines, they’re SO fun! Same with swings, etc. Being fit and the right weight (for me, slim) feels great too and gives me so much energy. Oh and making time to spend with friends and family who you like.
Anon
My aunt pulled me aside at a party over the weekend and said she thinks her daughter and daughter’s husband may divorce eventually. Aunt and uncle are in failing health and may pass before daughter gets divorced. She asked whether a trust would prevent son in law from receiving half of daughter’s inheritance in the event of divorce. I said I wasn’t sure and gave her the contact info for an estate attorney. I think they may create an irrevocable trust and name me as trustee. Does that mean my cousin would have to ask me for money from the trust to pay for things? Is there a better option that would achieve aunt’s goal? We are in an equitable division state ie not community property. And yes, my aunt is a lot.
anon
You did the right thing sending her to the estate attorney. In most states, inheritance is not subject to division in divorce but they will be able to explain it to your aunt better than internet strangers. The main challenge is making sure that the money stays in a separate pot from the marital assets. With that said, the attorney will also be able to walk them through different scenarios, and fundamentally whether they want the daughter to be able to pull big chunks of money out and when. Generally speaking, unless there is an estate tax reason, minors, or super irresponsible adults, it might not be worth it.
anon
Sadly, I have seen inherited monies (which should just be the daughter’s) get mixed right away with the marital assets. Pushy/controlling spouses can do this. Although I suspect laws vary from state to state…. but definitely have her get to an Estate Attorney. The cost is worth it.
Anon
This is an estate attorney issue.
Anonymous
for people who have IBS or other stomach issues — have you always had it? did you get it kind of suddenly? trying to figure out what this thing is that i’ve been fighting for a while. i’m not dehydrated but if i eat more than very basic foods I get horrible acid reflux.
Anon
Advice needed. DH wants to buy an expensive trip for his parents for a milestone anniversary. His parents are nice people, but I can’t help but feel resentful that he would spend that much on a gift (about 10k). He can afford it in the sense that it won’t mean we default on our bills or anything like that, but it’s still a lot for us. We have a mortgage, a child, student loans, and savings to build up. I can’t help but feel like that money would be better spent elsewhere. But I don’t want to be bitter because it’s nice that he wants to do something nice for his parents, who cannot afford that kind of trip on their own. How do other couples handle this?
Anon
Sorry I didn’t mean for this to go here! Reposting below.
NY CPA
I got IBS very suddenly. It came on following a terrible bout of food poisoning or other gastroenteritis. It’s like I never fully “recovered” and am sick every day.
Anonymous
I haven’t always had IBS but I think it manifests as more diarrhea/constipation/gas than reflux normally. Have you tried taking a 14 day course of Prilosec? That can kind of reset things. I would do that and also make an appointment to see a gastroenterologist if a GP/internist hasn’t been helpful.
ouch
Why mess around?
Make an appointment with a gastroenterologist who is focused on the esophagus and stomach. If you have an HMO plan that requires you to see a PCP first, make an appointment now with your PCP at least.
Any sudden change should be investigated. With a doctor. Yes, a lot of people start developing some food intolerance with age, or reflux with age/pregnancy/weight changes, but not usually all at once. It’s usually gradual, and with the usual food triggers. Sometimes if you have an infection things change suddenly. Or maybe something else is going on and you need a test or two.
Acid reflux uncorrected causes corrosion of the esophagus lining over time and puts you at risk for cancer. And it can also reflux into your lungs over time and cause lung complications. It is common, but it needs to be addressed.
Meanwhile, start writing down then you get the symptoms. What foods seem to be triggers. Sure try taking a TUMS and see if it makes you feel better, and keep track of how many you take. Sure, you can buy an over the counter acid reducer (start with an H2 blocker) and see if it helps, record exactly when you start in your calendar and any effect it has. Don’t eat for 3 hours before bed, sleep on a wedge pillow so you don’t reflux at night, don’t bend over/exercise right after eating for 1-2 hours etc…
But you need to see a doctor. You might have something that can be fixed, or find out you have a new food allergy/intolerance/celiac/whatever…. Don’t let your doctors dismiss you for real complaints.
Anon
+1
My experience was that my doctor couldn’t distinguish low acid from high acid reflux without testing, let along the underlying issue causing it. I don’t see how I could have figured this all out on my own.
Peloton
Someone else will ask, so I might as well: I assume you’ve ruled out pregnancy and have not made any medication changes recently, correct?
If so, I would reach out to your physician. I have IBS and have since I was a kid. But I also have a hiatal hernia, and what you’re describing sounds to me like a potential hiatal hernia issue.
Google will make this sound scary. It isn’t. But the approach to a structural issue like a hiatal hernia is different than the approach to a digestive issueIBS, and you really do need a work up to determine which treatment path will help you.
Anon
So I had always had what my mother called “nervous stomach” and I would get nauseated, or have diarrhea, more frequently than most people. However, I had a bout of food poisoning in 2012 that really made things exponentially worse, and that’s not an uncommon story with a lot of IBS sufferers. Many of us cruise along for years and then we get sick (like a viral gastroenteritis) and it changes everything.
The key with IBS, I was told, is that it does predominantly involve the bowel, not the stomach. People with IBS will have stomach/upper abdominal pain, but the main symptom is related to very frequent stools, loose stools, or excessive constipation (it can also be a mixture of both). Lower abdominal pain is common in every type, and in general, the pain is resolved by pooping – if you are having pain, and pooping doesn’t relieve it, it’s a good idea for your doctor to check for other things. If your stool consistency (meaning whether it’s hard or soft) and frequency (how often you poop) have not changed, I don’t know if I’d go to IBS as the most likely issue.
Sudden severe reflux is worth getting checked out by your doctor. Someone else suggested a 14-day trial of something like Prilosec, which is a good idea. But severe sudden-onset reflux can be a concerning symptom, and so if you are also having upper gastric pain or strangely colored stools (very dark/black or very pale), please go see a doctor ASAP.
Anon
I was told that IBS is often a bit of a wastebin diagnosis when a doctor doesn’t have access to the level of testing that could determine what is really going on. So far that has been true for most people I know who ended up seeing research university specialists and getting more testing done.
NY CPA
Unfortunately, it’s also a wastebin diagnosis for many people even when you go to multiple top hospitals where they do tons of diagnostic testing and can’t figure out the underlying reason for your issues :(
anon for this
Hi, friendly internet stranger here to encourage you to go see a gastroenterologist. It could be a number of things, and if you’ve been fighting it for a while it’s worth figuring out what’s going on. I finally went after several years of really terrible reflux. Turns out I had a minor issue in my esophagus but because I always had reflux, the acid prevented healing. I took medicine for a few months to keep my stomach acid down, everything healed, and now I can enjoy tomatoes again. I wish I’d gone much sooner.
Anonymous
OP here – thank you guys! i made a gastro appointment for next week. i’m also the one who was around all my MIL’s cats a few weeks ago so i guess i should rule out something from that also.
Anon
I have chronic gastritis that popped up suddenly and seemingly out of nowhere.
Anon
Mine came on in my forties but it is important that you see a gastroenterologist to first rule out other issues. It’s my understanding that ibs is a given diagnosis only when others are ruled out. Also, the data suggests it is highly responsive to meditation and relaxation techniques (brain and gut are deeply connected) and I have found that to be true for me. Good luck
AnonBride
A niche ask, but does anyone have a wedding photographer recommendations in France/South of France/SW of France? We are having a small chateau wedding and while we have what I feel and researched to be a fair budget for photography, rates I’m seeing from ‘destination’ photographers are $$$ so hoping to find someone who’s closer to being local. Thanks!
Anonymous
I recommend looking on Instagram using hashtags. That’s how I’ve found my last two excellent photographers. # city photographer (no spaces when searching)
Cerulean
Try searching photographe mariage plus the name of the nearest city to find results in French. I bet that will give you more results. I’m guessing that searching in English is likely to mostly get you the tourist-oriented photographers.
Anonymous
Also change your language in Google to french when you do your search
Sasha
A friend of a friend got married in southern France last summer and had some really lovely photos. Her photographer was @ mathieu.blin . No idea on his price point, but he’s based out of Aix-en-Provence
Anon
What’s your budget?
AnonBride
OP – Maybe too late to see your reply but I’d like to keep it under $10K if possible.
Anon
Advice needed. DH wants to buy an expensive trip for his parents for a milestone anniversary. His parents are nice people, but I can’t help but feel resentful that he would spend that much on a gift (about 10k). He can afford it in the sense that it won’t mean we default on our bills or anything like that, but it’s still a lot for us. We have a mortgage, a child, student loans, and savings to build up. I can’t help but feel like that money would be better spent elsewhere. But I don’t want to be bitter because it’s nice that he wants to do something nice for his parents, who cannot afford that kind of trip on their own. How do other couples handle this?
Anon
Do **not** do that when you have unsecured loans, here, student loans. It’s one thing to buy them a new roof; a $10k trip is a luxury item and you shouldn’t be buying luxury items for other people when you have unsecured debt.
Flame away.
Anon
No flame. Solidarity. You are 100% correct.
anon
I think bitter might be perfectly normal and you need to have a chat with your husband about your financial obligations, priorities, and planning for various unfortunate situations.
Do you have a year or two of expenses saved in case something terrible happens or the house needs unexpected expensive repairs? Is your retirement savings on track? Is your child’s college savings on track?
If the answers to any of these are no, I don’t think your family can actually afford this gift. It’s super lovely to want to give one’s parents a special, luxurious gift. I’d love to give lavish gifts to people who have done a lot for me too! But, I don’t think it’s fair to prioritize a gift for someone else over your own family’s financial security and your child’s future (including not having to bail you out in your old age because you spent money on big gifts instead of saving).
Anon
you said “He” can afford it. do you keep separate finances? absolutely no judgment if you do, but that impacts my answer. i personally would not be comfortable with this if you are still paying back your own student loans,
OP Anon
So, we have semi-joint finances: we each get paid into our own bank accounts, then transfer a portion of our incomes into our joint account for joint expenses. We have a rule that we don’t spend more than 1k on personal things without talking to the other. He did respect that, and I’ve told him I need to think about it. The student debt is all his. Mortgage is joint, as are childcare and all child-related expenses. This would also be coming out of his personal portion, not our joint account. He has the higher income but also higher debt (fancy degree, whereas I started working earlier at a lower income but my student debt is paid off). It’s a tricky balance for sure – yes it’s his money, but I would honestly never spend that much on something that wasn’t for our (nuclear) family as a whole, or like a car or roof repair or other necessity. And it means money he won’t be putting to his debt or savings.
Anonymous
Your whole system is stupid. Honestly. It makes no sense it isn’t serving you well.
Anon
If I were in your shoes I would let him do it. I think I would have a similar hesitancy, but I also think I wouldn’t want to cause resentment by telling him no. I’m sure he had to save up a while to have $10k to spend out of his personal money and I don’t know that I’d be able to tell my spouse no for something they wanted so much, given that it doesn’t seem like it’s going to cause any immediate problems. There is probably some risk involved, but your only objection seems to be that it’s not something you would do (and maybe a little jealousy)?
Anonymous
Her objection is that he has outstanding student loans and a child to educate but he wants to pay for his parents – who didn’t pay for his school thus the loans – to go on a luxury vacation. Not to mention, if his parents could never hope to pay for a vacation like this, OP and her husband may have to support them as they age.
Senior Attorney
This is the exact reason I am not a huge fan of married people having separate money — because it allows/encourages behavior like this. BUT that is the system you two have chosen, and given the rules you have agreed to, I don’t think you have a ton of standing to second-guess his decision about what to do with the money he, and he alone, is in charge of.
Anonymous
I don’t understand how you can have a shared household without shared finances. He took out student loans to become a lawyer or a doctor and make big bucks. You did not incur massive debt but make less money. You contribute equally or proportionately to household expenses. Since he has the “big” job, you are eventually going to get saddled with a much larger share of the household labor, both visible and invisible. Meanwhile, he gets to keep a ton of the extra money that he earns to spend on himself and his parents however he pleases, but he is only able to earn that money because you are subsidizing him with free household labor. That’s not a true partnership.
Anon
There’s a lot of options for “something nice” that are not $10k trips.
Anon
Seriously!! I’m pretty affluent but a $10k trip for two is a huge splurge for us and we’ve only done it once. There are lots of very nice gifts that cost much less.
Anon
Are you also going on said trip? I’d be a lot less salty about this if it was a trip that I was also going to get to partake in. Or are any of your husband’s siblings going to contribute? I’ve paid for my parents to take trips, but my sibling also contributed toward my parents’ share, and we all went together. Also, those trips were more in the range of $5k-$6k for three families together, so maximum $2k for my parents’ share. If it were me, I’d be gently talking my husband down from this expense.
Anon
This. Only exception is if there is some extenuating health issue making this a last chance trip. Then, I could get behind the gift.
Peloton
I would be resentful of him offering and judgmental of his parents if they accepted. My mother would commit an act of bodily harm against me if I tried to give her a luxury vacation while I have higher and better uses for the money (And you do—a child! Student loans!).
anon
This is an excellent point and agree. I think my parents would probably seek to have me medically evaluated if I came to them with this kind of proposal.
Anon
Same… but family culture varies a lot on this point. A good friend is Chinese American and regularly buys her mom Chanel handbags that cost $5k+. It is expected in her culture for kids to give back to their parents this way as a thank you for the hard work of raising them. My mom would be horrified if I bought her a Chanel bag. She appreciates kind words, seeing family photos and the occasional delivery of flowers and See’s candy.
anon
+2, my mom would never accept this kind of trip from me unless we were legit billionaires.
Anon
I would suggest a budget of $5k (or maybe $7k). It’s a nice thing to do and there will always be bills to pay and savings to build – you can’t put life on hold for that. Obviously it’s a different story if you’re one missed paycheck away from losing your home, but it doesn’t seem like that’s the case.
Anonymous
My siblings and I wanted to give my parents a trip to Europe, but none of us could afford it in one blow. We basically started a vacation fund for them and for several years, we used gift opportunities (birthdays, Christmas) to donate to the vacation fund. Might that be a decent compromise for your family?
anon
This is a great idea!
Anon
I think this is a great idea for younger, healthier parents, but waiting and waiting carries risks and allows parents more time to develop comorbidities. They’re not getting any younger.
Anon
So this would be a no for me. Even if it is “his” money he’s using. He should pay off his student loans and get the joint savings to where it needs to be before even considering something like this. And it is a joint decision, because the two of you are married and have a child together. My husband and I have semi-separate finances but a five-figure expenditure absolutely affects the health and well-being of the entire family, and must be agreed to by both parties. And I will also say, it’s different to me to do a five-figure expenditure for a vacation, vs. a necessity for them. We helped my MIL buy a car – gave her $7500 (and it was a gift, not a loan) so she could get something decent and not be driving around in a $5k car that was going to break down all the time. I had no issue with that – she needed a car, and I wanted her to have a safe, reliable car. If the ask had been “I want to give her $7500 for a vacation” that would have been a flat no, because we need to be financially responsible and keep money in reserve for things like – a new car is needed, help with medical bills, etc. What if your husband gifts this vacation to his parents and then you – or they – have a major emergency? You’ll really wish you had that money.
I probably seem excessively parsimonious here, but to me, there may be a time in your lives when you could do something like gift in-laws a $10k vacation. But it’s not now. Not with outstanding debt and savings not being where it should be. He has to put his own family – you and your child/children – first. If there’s excess after the primary needs are covered, sure – gift away. But it doesn’t sound like you guys are there and you absolutely do get a say in this, as his partner.
Anon
Agree with this. I would be very skeptical of this as well. Different story if it was for a car or something they really needed. He can give them a nice vacation for much less, and use the rest to pay off his student loans or use for your immediate family.
Anon
I loaned my mother mid-four figures to buy a car. Her previous vehicle was 20 years old and the transmission was days away from dying. The loan meant she could get something more reliable and not be in the awful doom loop of perpetually spending money on expensive repairs for a terrible vehicle. So it impacts our family finances while we wait for her to repay me, but it’s not a luxury.
Different View
If it’s coming from his “fun” money and that fun money would otherwise be sitting in that account (ie not going to the mortgage, loans, etc.), then I’d say get on board. These are his parents. He may not have the chance to do this for them again. This board tends to skew very nuclear family centric, but it is ok to devote resources to your family of origin. I spend a lot on my family because they matter and it sounds like it matters to your husband. He’s lucky to have parents that he cares this much for and wants to treat. You sound envious and miserly,
Anonymous
If he still has student loans then he shouldn’t have $10k in fun money just sitting around. Also, his $10k gift costs the family more than $10k; if he put that money toward loans now then he would avoid the compound interest at 6+% that he is otherwise going to incur.
Anonymous
Honestly I think you guys need to sit down and have a serious powwow about how he’s using his money. if he has $10K in fun money then how much extra is he putting toward his student loans? if he is, say, just paying the minimum on the loans, not maxxing out his 401k, or you guys are not maxxing out the 529, this is all really good information to know asap.
also – if he’s making more please tell me you both aren’t putting the same amount into your joint account. it should be the same percentage of your takehome, not the same amount.
Anon
If he’s about to burn 10k on an extravagant gift for someone outside the nuclear family but he still has loans then the cash should not be sitting in his fun account. He should use that money to pay down his loans. I’m surprised OP hasn’t pushed for this before he brought up the trip.
No Face
You should have an open conversation about it. This is a lovely idea, but you can’t afford it.
A smaller trip, an overnight night stay at a nearby luxurious hotel, a fancy dinner, etc can be nice.
I also like the idea of a family trip and you cover their cost, if that makes sense for your family.
Anonymous
This is what I was thinking – instead of this $10k trip, perhaps splurge on a weekend spa hotel getaway within driving distance from their home (e.g., Blackberry Farm in TN, Spa at Woodloch in PA, the Greenbriar, whatever is nearby). A limo or UberBlack ride to and from could be included to add to the “getaway” feeling. Something in the $2k range. Drop the remaining $8k on the loans, save the interest savings to be realized. Then this bigger trip could be a savings goal for 5 or 10 years from now when perhaps it doesn’t feel like such a questionable financial decision.
Anon
The problem with having quasi-separate finances is that it leads to exactly this kind of issue. Personally having made that agreement, I would resent the heck out of my spouse telling me what I could (and could not) do with “my” money. As long as OP’s spouse is paying his agreed-upon share of joint expenses, including college savings, I would not stop him from making a gift to his parents. The resentment would not be worth it and I would not want to set the precedent for second-guessing of my own spending.
Anon
This is one of those posts where I wish the people offering advice would say whether (and how long) they have been married!
anon
Totally!
I’m single and find this discussion fascinating, but I don’t feel I have the right to say anything.
Anon
20 years together, still have separate finances. Would probably do something like this, but then (i) any debt is at super low interest rates and (ii) we would discuss it and the cost would be mostly dictated by cost of 1st class tickets for them.
Anon
I’ve been married 18 years and would not be comfortable with this gift, and it sounds like we’re better off financially than OP. But I’m also not wild about separate finances in general, and in particular would be uncomfortable with either spouse having $10k of “fun money” when there’s still student loan debt and a young child.
Anonymous
Hmm. I would reflect on DH’a relationship with his parents, your overall forward looking earnings, etc.
In your mind, do DH’s parents “deserve” it? Meaning, are they awesome parents who really can’t afford this trip that would be the trip of a lifetime? Or is it like, a trip DH would like to see them take?
For example, DH and I have been kicking around sending my mom on a trip to Poland, where her great grandparents are from. She can’t afford it and never will, but would love it.
We have better things to spend out money on but honestly, we always will.
Anon
I don’t think it’s about whether or not the in-laws “deserve” it. Even if they’re wonderful people, a $10k trip for two people is a huge luxury for most Americans (I love to travel and we’ve taken many lovely vacations on half that budget) and in my mind it’s irresponsible to send so much on a gift unless retirement savings, college savings, and emergency funds are all on track. And even then, I can understand being resentful if this is the kind of thing they can afford only once in a blue moon and he’s choosing to give it to his parents over his own family.
Philly anon
We paid to send my in-laws to Italy for their 40th anniversary almost 10 years ago. FWIW, we had just finished paying off our student loans but we were still living in an apartment and saving for a downpayment. We didn’t have kids yet but knew they were in our future. I don’t regret it at all. They never would have been able to afford a trip like that on their own. My MIL had never even been out of the country before. It meant so much to my husband (and to me) to be able to give them that experience.
In the years since, we’ve bought a house, had two kids, and saved a lot. We still need to work and save for college and retirement, but we’ve also paid to bring my mom to Disney with us twice. We work hard and we’ve been lucky and we are so much more financially secure than our parents ever were. We want them to have fun experiences too.
Anon
Wow that’s crazy to me. My husband and I have no debt (not even mortgage), seven figure retirement savings, healthy college savings for our kids, and we occasionally (every few years) spend five figures on a big family vacation, but I would still not want to give someone a $10k gift! I’m very close to my parents and get along well with my in-laws but this is just so out of proportion with the sort of gifts I’m used to giving people. To me a big gift for a very close loved one is like $500, not $10k!
I agree with a couple of the other comments that some good compromises might be going in with siblings on a bigger trip, or sending them for something like as spa weekend or Michelin-starred meal that’s a luxury they wouldn’t buy for themselves but is more affordable. I know some cultures have much more of a culture of “gifting up” than mine does (in my family, my parents still treat us to luxury vacations and would refuse any attempt by us to treat them to something that cost $10k) but I still think it’s very reasonable to not want your spouse giving his parents $10k gifts when you have student loan debt and a young child.
AIMS
I can see both sides of this issue but I think that it’s kind of a crucial distinction that your parents are treating you to luxury vacations whereas OP’s in laws could never afford a trip like this on their own – meaning they’re not going on a vacation like this and they’re in no position to treat their son and/or his family to anything along these lines. Different families have different dynamics. Mr. AIMS’s parents are still offended we picked up the tab for a big milestone bday dinner 3 years ago but that doesn’t mean all parents operate the same way.
I think it’s a lot of unknowns here – how large are his student loans, at what interest rate, what are the other savings, etc. – but I have just watched a lot of my friends suddenly lose parents and I would not want to be in a position where I said no to something like this and one of the parents passed or had some big health issue come up. Life is short. If you can afford it, it’s not the worst way to spend your money.
Also, for some reason I have decided that he wants to send them on a Viking River Cruise but agree that if there is a way to make this more affordable that may be a compromise worth exploring.
Anon at 6:50
I know we’re fortunate that my parents have plenty of money, but my in-laws are nowhere near that well-off and have never treated us (or themselves) to a luxury trip, and I still wouldn’t be comfortable spending this much on a gift for them. We went on vacation with them for their 50th anniversary, and we treated them and my husband’s siblings to a nice dinner that cost a little over $500 for the group of six. That was fine and perfectly affordable for us, but is still probably the most expensive gift I’ve ever given anyone! $10k is just a wild amount of money to me to spend on a gift for someone unless you have way, way more money than we do, and we’re pretty affluent. That’s a year of in-state tuition at some public universities!
I agree that making memories with family members is important and I’ve had a bunch of friends lose parents in the last few years too, but there are so many ways to have nice experiences that don’t cost anywhere near $10k and it doesn’t sound to me like OP can really afford that much, at least in the sense that it won’t interfere with savings goals. “Afford” is about more than whether you’re going to go into credit card debt over it (imo, anyway).
Anon
The man has a wife, a child, a mortgage, and loans. He cannot afford this. I would dump the whole man and seek child support.
Anonymous
This kind of sounds like a “show my parents what a big shot I am” kind of trip. Is he recently out of school, maybe, and recently working a crazy job like big law or mbb? (And maybe his loans are so huge that $10k won’t make a dent?)
If so I think your approach needs to assure him he can still be a big shot without spending $10k on a trip… but you also need to assess as a couple how long the money will be rolling in – if he gets laid off in 2 years will he regret this huge gift?
Just guesses…
Anonymous
Ding ding ding. And if he feels the need to show off what a big shot he is, that is a serious red flag about bigger issues than a fancy gift to his parents.
Anon
I’m super curious what the trip is. 10k is a lot.
Anon
It’s pretty easy to get there these days – a luxury cruise line or high end resort will do it. It could also be more modest accommodations with first or business class plane tickets. International business tickets are actually pretty hard to obtain on that budget. We got our most recent business class tickets on points but the cash price would have been nearly $15k per person.
Time with Mom
I will be spending a week at home for the holidays. My mom has had some health challenges over the last year and my brother shared with me that she does not go out as much anymore because she struggles to walk. I am sure she is pretty sad about this because she used to be very active and she has sounded down during our last few calls. Since we will not be able to do the more active things we used to do together, I would like to think of other ways to spend quality time together during the visit.
Any ideas for things we can do around the house or activities outside the house that do not require a lot of walking? We have already organized all of her clothes/shoes and family photos. We will bake together which I am looking forward to but beyond watching TV (which she only watches for an hour or so a day), I am at a loss for ideas because we have never had the same hobbies. She likes crafts but I am not a particularly crafty person. So, any craft project ideas are welcome.
Anonymous
I love a good paint by number or a puzzle. Super easy, require no craftiness, and satisfying.
Anonymous
Puzzles? Personally I’m a fan of crafty projects that will actually be used vs ‘cute’ ones. For me that means I like to sew tote bags and zippered pouches.
Mantra Magic
What about a jig saw puzzle? Those are fun to work on jointly. Or a paint-by-numbers kit for each of you to work on together? Read the same book to discuss? Drive around and look at Christmas lights? Go to a movie or two?
Anon
Drive around to look at the holiday light displays. Play some board games, cards, dice, and put together puzzles. Make hot chocolate and flip through those family photo albums to reminisce together. Either DIY a spa day at home or visit an actual spa.
Senior Attorney
Board games! Card games! Especially games you may have played when you were growning up. Also maybe a giant jigsaw puzzle you can work on together? There are some nice holiday-themed ones. We did this one last year and really enjoyed it: https://www.amazon.com/White-Mountain-Puzzles-Christmas-Stamps/dp/B01MRXGT60/
Also is there any chance of convincing her to rent a wheelchair so you can get out of the house more easily?
anon
Or, if she won’t agree to renting a wheel chair, then consider going to places with rentals available (e.g., botanical gardens, museums, etc.). What worked for my family member was telling her that she could push it and sit in when she wanted. After about 15 minutes, she let me just push her as she got a good laugh out of me pushing her up a hill, muttering something about pay back.
I’d also spend the week getting to know her mobility restrictions better. Does she need a walker, oxygen, more stamina? There are lots of solvable problems here to get her out more. I’d also approach the conversation of a wheel chair in case she need to go somewhere and is too tired or just to go different place.
brokentoe
You might also think about what’s called a “transport chair.” It’s kind of a lightweight and collapsible wheelchair. Great for outings or medical appointments, you can get them for less than a couple hundred dollars online or even at Walgreens.
Anonymous
+1 does she have a walker already? if she doesn’t have that she should get one. you guys may also be able to go out and do things; she may feel more confident in leaving the house if she knows you’re there (and it might be good for her to do to build up her muscles.)
Anon
If she likes baking, could you find a cake decorating class? I’ve done a few with my mom.
anon
For crafty ideas, what about making some cards. You can do some thank you cards in prep for sending out after holidays or happy new year cards. You can find lots of youtube tutorials using limited supplies (don’t go for crazy ones with all sorts of equipment). I like water color painting, so have a basic set of paints and brushes and you can buy water color specific cards. I’ve also done sketching, or even creating shapes and patterns with glue and colored papers. Not sure if they would deliver in time, but you can find some embroidery kits on etsy that have all the supplies needed. May be fun to make some christmas ornaments.
For cooking and baking, be prepared she may need to sit more.. So maybe have a decorating station sitting at kitchen table, instead of standing. If you both love to bake, another craft/activity could be compiling some recipes into a cookbook, making pretty recipe cards.
If your mom is open to it, you can get a wheel chair or “transporter” for fairly inexpensive and that can get her out to some activities. My mom recently passed away, and had health issues before that. Being able to get her out of the house in a comfortable way was a blessing for both of us. Another activity we did was one of those journals/books to document her life story.
NY CPA
Things I used to like to do with my grandma who was mobility challenged were going to the movies, going to restaurants, and playing Scrabble. For crafting, I just started needlepointing and it’s fun and I find the basic stuff very straightforward–maybe buy two kits and learn together if she doesn’t already know how?
OP
Thank you, all. These are great ideas! I do not think I can convince her to try a wheelchair or a walker right now but my brother said she mentioned getting a cane “eventually.” So, at least I know she is open to the conversation about a walking aid and I will talk to her about it more during my visit.
Anonymous
Some suggestions that worked when my mom reached that stage but absolutely would not use a walker — trekking poles and going to an antique store for a vintage walking stick. These were usable for several years until a walker/scooter were truly needed.
anon
I know this is not what you asked, but while you are at home, do a good safety check for your Mom.
Loose carpets/carpet edges should be removed or taped down.
Does she need new “towel bars” (ie. grab bars) placed in her shower, by her toilet?
Or a higher accessible toilet?
Are any stairways unsafe and need better railings (especially if she is in a house… how is the access to the basement)?
Does she need motion detection outdoor lights for getting in/out of the house safely?
Does she have a safety system at home if she falls and can’t get up (cell phone on her person at all times, or Alexa device etc.. she can call out to)?
Does she need help setting up online ordering for Amazon/Walmart/Costco/local grocery stores so she can get things she needs more easily?
Is she getting physical therapy to help get her moving better, on a home exercise program and using the best assistance devices? And maybe an occupational therapist coming to the house?
Is there a Senior services program in her town / Department of Aging resource that you can get her hooked into? Maybe there are subsidized ride services, other home help programs she needs to know about?
Do you have siblings and will they be there?
This is the time when you all get together (the kids) and talk about how you see the future for Mom unfolding and what each of you think / can offer to do to assist?
Things to think about doing…
Taking her out to a play or concert or movie, as these things are harder to do without someone to help.
Puzzles.
Your own home movie festival. All British mysteries. Old Hitchcock movies.
Or watch the Sopranos, one episode a night etc…
Learn how to knit with her. Very peaceful and good for stress.
Organize the kitchen. Throw out old expired things.
Order her all new fresh spices for Xmas!
You are a good daughter.
Anon
I think it depends on what kind of climate your mom lives in, but I would be curious if you can help her find ways to feel active that don’t involve a lot of walking – being outside, moving, driving around, etc. Mobility aids might also reopen activities that are difficult now. I’m also an active person and would be really disappointed for the substitute to be puzzles. Also, is your mom getting PT? It is unclear if this is a short term recovery issue or more of a long term thing, if long term it is in your moms interest to be as mobile as she can as she ages and PT might help with that.
Paxlovid Mouth
I am finding the metallic taste of Paxlovid unbearable. I might be more sensitive because I always brush after eating so generally don’t like lingering tastes. Drinking lots of water, taking the medication with flavored drinks, and brushing. Is there anything else I haven’t thought of?
Anon
No, it was just awful but it really really helped, and I got better fast and with no known lingering effects.
Anon
It sucked, but knocked the COVID out so quickly!
I found that eating first helped in that the crap taste didn’t mix with whatever I was eating.
I also took solace in the fact that the crap taste dissipated after about 2 hours and told myself over and over again that it was only temporary.
Anon
I don’t know if it bothers everyone the same way. For me, the aftertaste was so terrible that I was completely miserable until I finished my course of the medication.
Jules
The Paxlovid taste was one of the worst symptoms of COVID for me – like, I could not sleep because it was so awful. (A friend who lost her sense of taste with COVID could still taste the Paxlovid, she was even more miserable.)
I just sucked on sugar-free lozenges (Ricola) around the clock, including tucking one into my cheek when I went to sleep
Mantra Magic
I found that continuously drinking something or sucking on candy helped. I got some ginger candy and that seemed to work the best for me. It’s not fun at all but the good news is that metallic taste goes away pretty quickly after you stop. Hang in there.
KS IT Chick
A half teaspoon of balsamic vinegar swished around the mouth and then swallowed. It seems to short circuit the metallic reaction for a little while, at least. I have had the same reaction to some antibiotics, so I wasn’t completely surprised.
Anon
Getting this off my chest…. Asked DH to pls take care of gifts for a couple of children on his side of the family for a cousins gift exchange that our kids are part of. His solution? Ask his mother to find out from the parents (his first cousins) what he should buy. This is neither adulting nor taking care of the problem. It’s merely making a different woman in his life be his admin assistant.
*Sigh*
Cat
lol I get the frustration, though the grandparents are often the ‘list keepers’ in my experience. Like the parents share a wish list for their kids with grandparents and then everyone can use that list so there aren’t duplicates and no one has to ask everyone what they already bought vs. consulting the central one!
Anon
Yeah, grandparents are def the list keepers in my family. I would ask them in similar circumstances.
Anonymous
Not your problem. He took care of it
Senior Attorney
Yeah, I get your irritation but at least it’s off your plate.
Anonymous
I don’t. His way means he saves time and gets the right gift, I’d call that smart.
Anonymous
So, as a woman, if I were in your husband’s place, I would have done exactly the same thing. It *is* both ‘adulting’ and taking care of the problem…
Anon
+1 it’s just not the way OP wanted it, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t solving the problem!
Anonymous
Yeah, especially since so many moms post here complaining about the gifts their parents and siblings give their kids! You don’t give a gift to a kid without consulting the mom unless you want to risk making her angry.
Anonymous
Let it go. My husband is charge of all gifting for his family. He does not do it how I would do it but I have ceded all control to him.
Anon
How would you know what to buy for this kid?
Anon
Yeah I don’t really see this as a gendered thing. My SIL always asks my MIL what to get our kids, which is fine with me because MIL has better taste in gifts than SIL.
Anon
Ummmm, that is exactly what I would do? Not seeing the issue