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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This red dress has a bit of a ’70s vibe to it, but I like it — it's an interesting, different take on a sheath dress. Not only is it machine washable, but it's fully lined and has a concealed back zip (yay!). We're picturing it in red, but it's also available in navy, in sizes 2-18 as well as petites and talls. Josephine Ponte Dress
(Don't forget to check out our recent roundup of how to build a work wardrobe at Boden!)
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Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
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Ellen
Kat, thank’s so much for this pick! I love Boden and this is the PERFECT sheath dress for me! The manageing partner LOVES me in red, and the concealed zipper is something I really need b/c of Frank; morover, the dress has just enough play in the legs so that I am able to take larger steps w/o haveing to worry about stretching the tuchus, which is a problem for me with most pencil dresses.
I am @ work early and have been very busy trying to get a head start on my 2019 billings, b/c I hope to be able to take over for the manageing partner if he goes part-time next year. He says he cannot retire b/c of Margie and the baby, but he does expect to slow down a bit, which means he wants me to pick things up more then a bit. That means I will have more and more responsibility, so I figure to show that I can do it. Some of the work will NOT be billeable, but rather “coaching” in nature, the way he coaches me. I still have to figure a few things out about the firm, and Dad says he will cooperate by getting me (and him) a new apartement closer to work if need be. Right now, he is STILL commuting into NYC 2 days a week to teach, but I know he hates taking the LIRR, and he would prefer to have a place to sleep in the city, which would be in my new apartement. He said he may get a connected converted apartment with 2 front doors so that he could come and go w/o bargeing in on me when I have guests, but the apartements would still be connected, so I do NOT think it is really private. He says there are apartements with connected toilets (like in a hotel), but I have not seen any. I do want a terrace, and those are the kinds that he will be looking for this spring. If anyone in the hive is a realator, keep me in mind for a 3BR, 3BA, in the $3-5M range. Thanks in advance! YAY!!
Career questions
Does anyone have any recommendations about when to go in house? Big law, secondary (not NYC) market, specialized practice. I can’t tell if I’ve had a crummy start to the year and am cranky because I worked through the holidays and have had a couple things blow up and need a vacation or if it’s time to assess whether I actually want to be a partner or not in the larger scheme of things. I’ve heard after 5-6th year it’s harder to move.
thecareerfiles
There are in-house jobs at varying levels of seniority, but I think 4-6 years is the sweet spot. Regardless of seniority, it can take a LONG time to find the right opportunity (like 1+ yrs), especially if you’re in a specialty that does not lend itself to lots of in-house positions. So if you’re on the fence about partner, I would brush up your resume, start looking to your network, and put some feelers out with a recruiter or two. You don’t have to leave it you don’t want to, but if you do decide you want to leave (or get the sense from your firm that partner is not in the cards for you), you’ll be super glad you took some proactive steps ahead of time. I unfortunately know far too many biglaw lawyers who waited until their 7th-8th years to even start looking, and it was much harder for them than people who started looking even 1 year earlier.
AFT
I second this. You can still find jobs on either side of the sweet spot — and I found a job after 10+ years in law firms and a 2+ year search, so it’s possible. But the most common time for people to move seems to be around 5 years out, plus or minus. Staying longer seems to make people question (a) whether you can adapt to an in-house role where you’re not primarily with working with other lawyers; and (b) your trajectory if you haven’t made partner – or if you have made partner, why you want to move.
The original Scarlett
Exactly this.
The original Scarlett
I will add you also have the most room for growth in-house when you move in the sweet spot. When you wait, you’re senior in practice years yes, but you aren’t senior to people who are similarly experienced and have been in house longer, and you usually have to “get in line” behind them for promotions, etc. not to say it can’t be done, but you have a leg up on the internal ladder if you go earlier. Should that be important to you.
Cat
This timing point is a good one and something that many people don’t realize.
In-house
Is it easier to move to another in-house job once you’re already in-house? I’m thinking of taking a more junior position in a financial services company to get my foot in the door and to get that in-house experience and hope to get a more senior position at another company down the line if I don’t get promoted within 1-2 years.
keep it secret
Yes. I did 2 years Big Law, moved in-house for the experience, and moved to another in-house job after just 2 years. I have found that I leveled in above my years because of my in-house experience (at a major tech company as well), and the sky is the limit for my promotional future.
AFT
yes, definitely. it’s totally a “secret in-house handshake” thing – especially as you get more senior at a firm, it’s harder to get hired as a new in-house lawyer.
anon
I just made the move last year in my 9th year. I didn’t find it to be that bad, but understand that you will be more likely to get a position that is listed as one for a 4-6 year, rather than one for someone more senior. My company was happy to get the benefit of my experience for essentially the same pay as someone with less experience, but we had a talk early in the interviewing process about that. And now it’s up to me to make the most of the position, which I’ve been happy to do. BUT: I had been casually interviewing for years, and never found anything worth leaving for, so I felt pretty informed when I made the decision–starting the process earlier can never hurt.
Anokha
I moved in-house during my 5th year and I agree it was the sweet spot. Ideally, I would have liked to stay at the firm for one more year in terms of getting some additional experience — but I agree that years 4-6 are the sweet spot.
Hot Mess
Help me feel less dumb for making a $10,000 mistake: I am on the Income-based repayment plan for the Public Service Loan Forgiveness program, but a couple years ago I didn’t submit my tax return paperwork to recertify my plan. So for the past 2 years I have been making monthly payments of $900 instead of $500. My account is set up to make automatic payments so I didn’t notice that my payments were much higher than they were before. A few years ago I set up my loan account to link directly to my IRS account, so I assumed I wouldn’t have to update my info each year, but it looks like the servicer for federal student loans changed since then. None of these things are good excuses for the fact that I wasn’t watching my finances as closely as I should have been. I feel so stupid.
CountC
You’re human. Humans make mistakes. Does it sting? Absolutely. But it’s done and you can’t change it. Now you will keep better track of it and the mistake won’t repeat itself.
Does it suck? Yes. Does it do you any good to beat yourself up about it? Not at all.
Be kind to yourself and remember that humans make mistakes. You’re human.
anon
Also, literally almost everyone (my DH included) has found that somehow, their payments were wrong. At some point, this isnt about individuals and mistakes at all- it’s a huge set-up to fail from Trump and Betsy DeVos.
Idea
This and yes, going back to the previous administration(s), too, sadly. In this program, They are all about the Letter of the Law, not the spirit. It may be worth it to appeal whatever way you can. It’ll be ok.
anon from above
Well, I have actually been telling people that the last 3 administrations were responsible for leaving it unfunded. But the current is responsible for adding new requirements without making it possible to even figure out what they are.
OP, I really did intend to offer a supportive perspective, that sometimes it really isn’t your fault. Sometimes your are fighting forces beyond your control, and you didnt havr the option to suceed by followung the rules. We can fight, or we can pay off the loans abd move on, and im sure some people will choose each. But we never had the option to just “not make a mistake”.
Candidate
I swear I heard a story from NPR about this recently – I think I caught it on the Up First podcast. I can’t find it again, but I gather there were some federal-level shenanigans that made changes to the program, and due to some dogged reporting they are forgiving some loans? Maybe another ‘rette is more informed than I am.
At any rate, it may be worth a phone call to a sympathetic elected official (congressperson, senator) to see if they can help either fix the mistake or even get you some of your money back.
Anonymous
Idk your excuse sounds pretty solid to me. I’d definitely pick up the phone and see if there’s anything that can be done. I wouldn’t just eat 10k because they changed something without notifying me – at least not without a fight.
CL
Calling congress because she did overpayments? What are they going to do? Always someone else’s fault.
anonanon
Your bigger issue is that you need to be sure that you get credit for those 24 payments towards the 120. You qualify for PSLF after 120 payments on a qualifying plan.
The original Scarlett
I admit I’m not that close to the issue, but wasn’t someone saying the other day that a lot of people who thought they qualified didn’t and are now being penalized with having large balances to pay off? Might be the best mistake you could have made? (Also second, call someone/appeal, etc.)
Anon
It’s more than a lot. As of September 2018, 99% of applicants for loan forgivness have been denied. 99%. Literally any minor flaw in the application, any perceived misstep (real or not), retroactively applying new rules when people followed the previous rules, and some for no reason at all – all getting rejected.
https://www.npr.org/2018/09/21/650508381/data-shows-99-of-applicants-for-student-loan-forgiveness-denied
https://www.cnbc.com/2018/10/29/this-public-service-loan-forgiveness-remedy-isnt-reaching-many-people.html
Pep
I would strongly urge anyone contemplating this program to check that the type of loan you are repaying is one of the eligible types. I found out – after ten years of payments – that the type I have is not eligible.
Anonymous
You need to immediately figure out whether you still qualify for the forgiveness program. If you are still eligible, you also should run numbers to determine if you come out ahead by continuing in the program (don’t forget to include the tax you’ll pay for forgiveness). If you are not still eligible for the program or have lost a significant amount of time/credit, you should also look into whether you should refinance with a private lender (you’d give up certain federal loan protections, but you might be able to get a lower interest rate). Studentloanhero is a commercial site — it makes money in a few different ways, including by referring leads to private lenders that do student loan refi– but it’s also a great source of information about student loans, PILF, etc.
Anonymous
The forgiveness amount is not taxed under current rules.
Anonymous
As someone with a ton of loans and no options for forgiveness, I’m going to go out on a limb and say if you didn’t notice the extra $400 coming out of your account every month for the last few years, then maybe you didn’t really need to be on an income-based repayment program? I’m so close to the line – I would notice if an extra $50 got charged, much less $400.
Anon
+1. I paid off my student loans on a 10 year plan, and there is no way I wouldn’t have noticed 500 extra a month
anon from above
The point isn’t that someone ‘needed’ and income-based repayment, in the sense that they couldn’t make higher payments. The point is that PSLF highly incentives income-based plans, and many people have made financial plans accordingly, for a decade, from the most fundamental choice to literally go without income to serve the public interest, to (in my family’s case) things like rapidly paying down a lower-interest private loan.
And now, despite following all the rules that were available at the time–almost everyone is being denied. Yes, it is someone else’s fault.
Anonymous
What is your concern– just that you overpaid, or that you are no longer eligible for PSLF?
The overpaying sucks. I did that as well– it was much better for my family’s overall finances for DH and I to file our taxes separately, because he makes much more than I do, and my monthly loan payments were much lower figuring just my income, than we got back by filing jointly. But I didn’t realize this for a couple years, and drastically overpaid what I should have. But, I am still eligible for PSLF because I was making on time qualifying payments.
Did you miss out on being on an income-based plan, because you didn’t recertify? You can still continue to pay– your earlier payments that *were* on income-based should count towards PSLF– you can float back and forth, they don’t have to be cumulative payments. You would lose the amount you overpaid compared to an income-based plan, but you could likely still be eligible moving forward.
Anon
But now you’re that much closer to paying off your loans! And if you didn’t miss it, then it doesn’t sound like it’s a bad thing. I would DEFINITELY notice an extra $400 leaving my bank account each month. I guess I don’t understand what the issue is?
Anon
Okay, wait, now I see that it’s the forgiveness part that makes this an issue. But still, if you didn’t notice $400/month for two years, sounds like you’re not in the demographic that really needs loan forgiveness.
Anon
Does anyone else practice intuitive eating? It’s been nothing short of revolutionary to stop trying to manipulate my body size and to remove fear-bases restrictions on food. Curious if others have had good experiences, especially right now when everyone and their mother wants to tell me about their new diet plan for 2019.
Anon
I have given up on dieting. Statistically, going on a diet is a great way to GAIN a few pounds, long-term. Instead I try to frame it as adding things to my diet rather than eliminating things. So adding more whole foods and aiming for half my plate as veggies, trying more plant based meals etc. I think by intuitive eating you mean, if I want a cookie I’m going to have a cookie, I’m going to let my body tell me what it wants. And that would not entirely work for me because my body would tell me I wanted a cookie every minute of every day. But instead I try to say, ok body, if you want a cookie you can have a cookie, but maybe later, because we have all these veggies on our plate right now.
Anon
I’m intrigued by the concept but my intuition tells me to eat donuts and McDonald’s every day.
getting there
We may have the same intuition.
Anon
The longer you practice IE, the more those cravings lessen. Once you no longer restrict those foods, they lose that forbidden fruit allure. I struggled with the same thought process and have found that I do eat more treats than I used to, but it’s in no way every day, out of control, or supplanting healthier foods. I say this as someone who has struggled with lifelong binge eating because “my diet starts tomorrow.”
anon
Do it. I bet after a while you’ll be burned out and sickened by the thought of it.
Anonymous
Right. And I’ve gained 15+ lbs in the interim. Like I did over the holidays. After a certain age, that weight doesn’t just drop back off within a month or two.
Anon
+1 not to mention the other negative physical and mental health impacts it has. For me, eating junk, which I always desperately want to do, makes a huge impact on my anxiety and depression.
MNF
Or eat taco bell right before a workout class – my guaranteed way to cut that craving!
Unicorn?
I really recommend reading the book. It’s very unlikely that your intuition would tell you that for an ongoing basis once you got over the novelty of listening to your body.
anon0321
I think part of it is listening to how eating makes you feel afterwards too– I have a major sweet & salty tooth, but have noticed after many years that I will just feel like crap if I eat only tasty junk food.
Also, I try to eat one meal a day that has added veggies for variety & health– but I am ALL about not restricting and not dieting and appreciating my body as it currently is. I have struggled with my weight and eating my entire life and have generally only looked ‘healthy/thin’ when I was doing unhealthy things to get there, and when I had a daughter I decided enough was enough- I couldn’t live like that and expect my daughter to be different….so I made a conscious decision to stop.
Monday
Don’t be so sure! The book would argue that if you followed these cravings, pretty soon the mystique around them would start to resolve and your body would start asking you for different foods. If you’ve already tried this and it didn’t work, disregard. (Or, they might say, give it more time and let yourself stabilize in attitude toward food.) But personally I do find that if I follow my wants, junk does not take over my diet for any length of time.
Anonymous
I’ve heard that it works great for some people but I don’t think it could work for me. I’m short and have a sedentary job so like 1400-1500 calories is maintenance level for me. I eat pretty healthfully and I think I do a pretty good job listening to what my body wants – if I’m craving chips then I probably need some fat, salt, and crunch, like carrots and hummus with a little extra oil drizzled on top. But it’s the portion sizes that are a killer. Especially when I’m at a restaurant. ESPECIALLY when I’m drinking. The weight slowly creeps back on if I’m not on top of it.
Anon
But “working for you” doesn’t mean “leading to weight loss for you.” IE isn’t about weight loss. Once I let go of the thinner ideal I had for myself (achievable temporarily though restriction and self-hatred), I found it a lot easier to actually listen to my body and not freak out when I gain or lose a few lbs.
Anonymous
I didn’t say anything about weight loss. I was talking about maintenance.
Unicorn?
I credit the book Intuitive Eating with finally helping me recover from bulimia after many years. It was literally life-changing.
Seafinch
I don’t know that I would call it that, or would have, but I was raised eating whatever I want and continue to do so. Occasionally, I have packed on up to 20 unwanted pounds but it is never food related. It is all hormonal for me. I don’t have a sweet tooth and was raised on homemade scratch cooking. This is what I still eat now. I love a hamburger as an indulgence but need a salad for my next meal if I do indulge. I eat a lot of food, a lot of vegetables, a lot of fat, and a lot of protein. I have dabbled with “dieting” in order to impact the above noted hormonal gain (fasting and Rosedale) but the results are mediocre and not worth the effort for me. If the 20 lbs comes back as cortisol/Breastfeeding etc weight again, I will just beast myself at the gym to get the shape I want.
Anon
Please not Rosedale
https://sciencebasedmedicine.org/the-rosedale-diet-here-we-go-again/
mindful eating
Never read the book, and haven’t used mindful eating much for diet-culture purposes. But I have found that paying careful attention to the food I eat and the way I feel after has allowed me to manage chronic medical conditions over the years- migraines, and interstitial cystitis, especially.
Calico
As a fellow IC sufferer, would you mind sharing how diet could help manage it? Avoiding spicy foods and coffee?
anon
Bacon and salami are the devil. I found that dairy fat helped, so I kept drinking my morning café con leche, and sometimes had ice cream when I felt crummy. Concentrated doses of aromatic herbs, like mint tea or fresh pesto, sometimes set it off, which no doctor ever mentioned…
Good luck. IC is no fun :(.
Ellen
I now drink water when I otherwise would snack on junk. It has caused me to slim down a bit in my rear end, and that is a good thing. Men still like to comment about my “rack”, but I do not care. Jennifer Lopez has a “rack” also, and it did not seem to hurt her much as she is dateing Alec Rodreguez. He is very sucesful. YAY!!!
Anon
I haven’t read the book and so can’t claim to practice it per se, but I try to listen to my body. Nothing is off the table. I mindfully dropped most added sugar after Christmas as I was feeling the holiday fluff pile on and experienced sugar cravings from all the cookies and dessert I ate in December. Now I’m back to one piece of fruit a day, usually before exercise, or the fruit paired with a little yogurt with honey if I’m doing an intense spin class. I don’t buy junk, and I meal prep, so there’s always something ready to be eaten. As a cyclist, I’ve discovered different thresholds through trail and error – my body doesn’t much care about fueling for a 15 mile ride, but I well might bonk at 40 of a 60-75 miler if I haven’t been layering in sugar and simple carbs so I have fuel to burn already in the tank.
I’ve been on the intermittent fasting train for the past several months. I’m definitely getting all the same calories I need, and I even still have 3 square meals, just within my 16:8 window. I do 11-7pm on days I workout after work, and 10-6 on days I go to a noon workout. I definitely feel more energized and alert in the mornings, and even find it easier to wake up at a consistent time.
Recently intuitive
Yes, i started recently and the mental/emotional baggage that I was able to drop was surprising.
I do like vegetables and as someone said above, i try to add to my diet in terms of water, vegetables at every meal etc. Before starting to intuitively eat, I would finish an entire box of cookies because I was “going to be better tomorrow” . Last year, I tried to start the Whole 30 but on day 2 I realized that if i tell myself I can’t have something, my mind will not stop thinking about said thing until i binge eat.
What has helped me is 1) paying attention to the reasons behind my cravings and 2) paying attention to how full i feel while I am eating. This has helped with the clear-your-plate mentality because I know I can save the food for later when I am hungry again instead of finishing it all in one sitting and feeling stuffed after. I have also noticed I crave carbs/sugar when I am tired or going through a rough time because obviously my body wants energy quick and so I give it that. To me that is a way of being gentle with my body (self-care if you may).
I don’t crave bagged chips as much as I thought I would because too salty. I also notice I start to crave vegetables if i haven’t had any in a while now so that’s been an added bonus.
I wish I could say I am great and never binge but it’s going to take practice. It’s helped to buy a smaller portion of a really good cookie knowing I can always get more next time I crave it. This helps to delay gratification (rather than a readily available box of sub-part cookies) and sometimes the craving goes away and I forget about it. If i do buy the box, it will last multiple days, even more if i keep them out of sight.
Hope that helps
Aquae Sulis
I’ve just started reading the new book ‘Just Eat It’, which builds on the concepts of the original Intuitive Eating book; it’s really interesting, and I’m definitely ready to move away from diets!
Anon
This is a really beautiful dress.
Anon
I like the shoes!
Vicky Austin
Yes! Love that color.
The original Scarlett
There’s a 20% off coupon for it – D5E3 – I liked it too ;)
Senior Attorney
Haha I love it now just as much as I loved it when I wore its twin to my bridal shower in 1984!
anon
this dress has been stalking me online! It’s so beautiful
Anonymous
I woke up and ran this morning before work in the first time in forever! It was still dark, cold and I only went out for about 20 minutes but it’s a start on getting rid of some of this holiday weight. Morning exercisers, any tips on making this more of a habit?
Anonymous
IDK re morning running in the dark when it is cold (I’d probably get hit by a car on day 1). BUT I have an aerobics step and some 7-pound weights and do squats,curls,presses and some stepping, even if just in 10 minute chunks. It’s dark early and dark late and I feel like inside I can get in even a brief bit of activity on days (most) when I don’t have the needed childcare to let me get to the gym. And the key in the morning is to have a time for it (and the only way I don’t have time is if I choose to blow through a series of snoozing the alarm or have a work emergency from overnight to get the jump on).
SO, SO waiting for older kid to turn 12 (when we can legally leave her with her younger sibling in my state). At least then, when the days are longer, I could go out for a run without needing to coordinate with my husband. Or play tennis. Or go to the gym that is 10 minutes from my house (but childwatch there only goes up to age 6).
anon.
My best tip which may sound counterintuitive is to pick one day off a week and every other day is mandatory/ non-negotiable. For me, that was Thursday mornings. I slept in an extra hour and liked having that to look forward to. (This was all before kids, none of it applies now that I have a 5 am waker in my house, but it worked for me a few years ago.)
Separately, please buy a $10 vest that has lights on it. I’ve heard so many early morning scary stories.
Abby
Agree on this – also absence makes the heart grow fonder. You’ll only be able to miss running and how nice it makes you feel if you take the break
pugsnbourbon
I don’t run outside (erg in the garage FTW) but I often walk my dog in the dark. She has a light-up collar and reflective leash; I have a headlamp, vest and blinky armband. The headlamp is obnoxious but so are drivers in my neighborhood who think stop signs are optional.
Anon
+1000 – visibility for drivers is tough in the grayish hours, even if they’re paying attention/not on their phone.
I lay out all of my clothes at night on top of my shoes, in the order of putting them on, so I can roll out of bed, get ready with zero thought, and stumble out the door. Set anything else you need right next to the pile or put it in the pocket of the jacket – keys, headphones, a kleenex, chapstick, everything.
BB
I do 10-20 minutes of cardio every morning M-F pretty much without fail. The key for me was after doing this for a few weeks, I think my body got used to having the adrenaline rush so I can’t really wake up fully without it. Sort of a negative incentive, but it works. I don’t ever skip because I’ll be lethargic at work all day.
Legally Brunette
I like this idea. It’s not a big time sink but long enough to feel like you got a good workout and sweat in.
Anon
Find a group and tell them you will be there!
Equestrian Attorney
So maybe this is a stupid question but how do you find these groups? Googling didn’t help. Is there a runners’ social media I don’t know about? I would like a group but don’t know if there are any in my area.
mascot
Talk to a local running store- they often have groups or are connected with local running clubs. Moms Run This Town has a bunch of local chapters (I think they are really open to all women, but there are a lot of moms).
+1
Local running stores will know this and there are likely running groups on Facebook for your city/area. I wake up at 4:45 to train and what gets me up and out is knowing I get to hang out with my friends/get stronger + better at what I love doing.
Community makes exercising super fun.
Anonymous
Meetup.com is a good resource.
Also the running stores in the area probably have a drop-in group.
Morning Yogi
1. Just keep doing it. You may have to force yourself in the beginning, but eventually it will become a habit and you’ll wake up ready to go. You’ll miss it if you don’t go.
2. If it helps you, commit to run with a person or group, or something that makes you accountable. For me, it was committing to an early morning yoga class and being “obligated” to show up by signing up ahead of time that helped me start the routine. Now, it’s just a normal part of my routine.
Mostly treadmill runner
If you are going to run outside, do a few warm up exercises inside so it won’t feel as bad outside. Get proper clothing for outdoor cold running.
I found running in a field of snow to be really calming and because I can’t pace myself too well if not on a treadmill, I try to sync my inhale and exhale to 3 beats/numbers/letters so you’re not getting too winded.
Anon
I’m travelling to China for a business trip. There won’t be any tourism on this trip, but it’s my first time and I don’t know what to expect. Any good travel tips for a first time business traveller?
Anonymous
Depends how much your travel is managed by the hosting office, which I’ve found to normally be pretty involved.
If you do go out on your own, have the hotel communicate to the cab driver directly where you want to go. You can also have them write down any key phrases you need if you are on your own (e.g., no pork). Also, always keep your hotel’s business card with address on you to show to can drivers.
I can’t remember how prevalent credit card acceptance was more off the beaten track, but make sure to have cash for street markets or in small towns.
anon
I was in Shanghai about a year ago, and found the opposite to be true – that is, there were places that didn’t take cash.
pugsnbourbon
I haven’t traveled to China myself but several colleagues have. From their experiences, business card etiquette is specific and important.
BB
It’s not actually all that complicated. Give out business cards when you first meet the person. Give it to them with two hands, text facing towards them. Receive their card in the same way. Leave their business card out on the table as you talk (don’t put it away in your wallet/folio).
Flats Only
And don’t fiddle with it. Very rude.
Eh
That’s… pretty complicated. I mean it’s doable. But no need for the condescension– it’s obviously a very specific set of cultural requirements. I cannot think of a single American custom that requires me to give an item with two hands while held a certain way and receive it a certain way and also DO NOT put it away until they leave. That’s complicated.
pugsnbourbon
I suppose I should have said very different from US card etiquette and an easy way to make a faux-pas without realizing it.
JB
Bring a travel converter for your electronics.
Sleep on the plane instead of watching movies.
Ask at the front desk of your hotel for their business card so you show taxi drivers where you are going.
Anon
There may be afterwork drinking parties involved. Asians are also overly polite so if you’re in a situation where the company card doesn’t pay, there will be back and forth between various individuals insisting to cover the tab. Participate in this back and forth a few times before eventually letting someone else pay.
waffles
Depends on where you go – this is especially true in the smaller cities, but I won’t travel anywhere in China without a supply of toilet paper and soap. These can be very difficult to find in some bathrooms! Also, be prepared for squat toilets. I found that carrying a ziplock bag with a few supplies makes a world of difference. You’ll be okay in major hotel chains and most places in Shanghai though.
Second the recommendation to have your hotel written in Chinese characters to show taxi drivers. Most don’t read or speak English, so this is sometimes the only way to get around. Everyone is quite helpful to visitors though, as much as they can with the language barrier.
Eager Beaver
Make sure you have cash. It’s becoming hard to find places that take credit cards even in cities because folks in China increasingly use apps on their phone to pay. Last time I was in Beijing, it was difficult to just hail a cab when out and about because people were using an uber-like app. The subway in Beijing and Shanghai are cheap and easy to use if that’s an option for you.
Anonymous
In September my experience was that many restaurants would not take cash or credit cards, only whatsapp payments. Luckily my colleague had WhatsApp (with Chinese currency). I was in Beijing, Shanghai, and Shenzhen.
Anonymous
I lived in China for 7 years… Where exactly will you be going? I better advice if you know the name of the city.
Anonymous
download the Pleco app.
Didi is a life saver.
Anon
I’ve been working on inculcating frugal values in my life and one tip I read (from frugalwoods) was to permanently eliminate expenses instead of trying to find a cheaper version of them. For example, she and her husband cut each other’s hair now instead of paying salon prices on a regular basis for the rest of their lives. In that spirit, I’ve all but eliminated lunches out at work and am working on eliminating going to the movies (I still pay for Netflix and to rent movies from Amazon or elsewhere at home). Has anyone else found good candidate expenses for permanent removal? I’m feeling inspired but I’m not sure what else I can cut! I’m already buying the bare minimum when it comes to clothes (that one has never been a temptation for me) and I don’t wear makeup.
Anon
Spouses cutting each other’s hair is a terrible idea. Of all the financial advice I’ve read, that’s probably the worst one yet.
Cb
Right? Can you imagine the marital conflict if it was crooked?
anononono
Eh, I mean it’s *not* that big a deal to cut someone’s hair. I cut my fiance’s hair now–he’s always had a family member cut it and asked me to do it. We have nice clippers and men’s hair is pretty forgiving. If you totally mess it up (which honestly is hard?), he only has to live it with it for a few weeks before it grows out and I can cut it short again. I used to cut my mom’s hair growing up, as well. Nothing fancy, but when you just need in-between trims, it’s nice to not have to go in, pay, tip, etc.
Anon
Maybe you should be more open-minded. Their frugality enables them to live the life they want with investments galore and no debt. I’d take that over a picture-perfect haircut, but to each their own.
Anon
Eh, this just strikes me as petty nonsense. I understand living with your means (pretty frugal myself on the whole), but for me this is a recipe for a miserable existence. Maybe my perception is skewed but none of the executives at work have a sh!tty haircut or cheap clothes. They project a certain image and they make more money because of it. I buy most of my clothes second hand and stretch haircuts too but at the end of the day, there is something to be said for focusing on making more money, rather than pinching pennies.
Anon
But they make a ton of money. Her husband makes high six figures and her blog and book were a moneymaker too. They have probably millions in the bank at their savings rate. They just don’t spend it on haircuts.
Anon
Yes, but their readers are not in the same boat. Look, nobody will ever convince me that cutting your spouses hair is a good idea. Never going to happen. If you want to talk about index funds, fiduciary financial advisors, eliminating credit card debt, retirement saving strategies, etc. I am here for it. If you want to talk about cutting haircuts, using 1-ply toilet paper, eliminating makeup, I’m not interested. It’s a values issue.
Anon
They did not get millions in the bank by cutting their own hair and it’s kind of misleading to tell their readers that they can achieve the same lifestyle just by having crappy haircuts.
Anonymous
Anon at 1:00, you hit the nail on the head. That is what bugs me so much about the Frugalwoods.
Anon
If they have the ability, why not? I’m perpetually impressed by one guy in my office who does his own hair (seriously – clippers in one hand, mirror in the other) and it looks good. He does his gf’s and his extended family’s as well.
emeralds
My fiance does his own hair and you’d never know–it looks good. He’ll get it clipped professionally a couple of times a year, so I don’t know if it would fit the OP’s threshold for total elimination, but he saves a good chunk of money since he likes getting it cut every month. (He also cuts some friends’ kids’ hair in exchange for beer, which probably cancels out the three haircuts he pays for.)
For the OP, when I need to be extra-frugal I focus on: not buying books (libraries…still a thing); meeting friends for free/low-cost activities instead of something like a dinner out (take the dogs for a walk in the park, come over to watch a Redbox movie, go to a yoga class I’d be going to anyway, etc.); minimize meat consumption (I do this anyway, but I’ll be stricter if I need to get the grocery bill down); and not buying alcohol to consume at home.
getting there
If you go down the rabbit hole of frugality, this will not be the worst advice you will find.
Did you know if you buy 2-ply toilet tissue but unspool it, you can have 2 rolls of 1-ply tissue?
On a more serious note, I have cut out almost all magazine and newspaper subscriptions and tried to cut down on impulse purchases of the same.
anon0321
NO just no- I actually bring my own tp to my inlaws because theirs is so terrible. Some things are just not worth compromising on! I personally am not a fan of major frugality. I work hard and enjoy spending that money at times on a starbucks drink if that’s what will get me through the day. However- I am a fan of auto-saving & to make sure I don’t fall victim to lifestyle creep, any yearly raises I get automatically go into savings/investments, so while my savings goes up, my lifestyle stays similar to the way I like it.
Anon
Hey, some of us who use terrible toilet paper do so because we don’t have public sewer access and don’t want to wreck our septic systems. It’s not a choice. :(
Anon
I grew up in 10:08 Anon’s situation and still stick with my Scott Tissue because I despise changing rolls so often!
Anon
Try being married to a recent immigrant who insists on thin toilet paper because “it doesn’t clog the pipes”. It’s a constant battle in my home. You’ve been here 10 years the pipes are fine!!!
anon0321
Lol, I get if there is a specific reason (I am careful not to overuse my garbage disposal for a similar reason and would never use wet wipes either), but you know your house…. and if there’s no problem with plumbing, good tp is just so much nicer!
restaurants
And the restaurants with tiny garbage cans in each bathroom stall to place your used toilet paper. In the middle of a large US city. Where pipes are totally capable of handling toilet paper. Because that is what the owners grew up doing somewhere that plumbing wasn’t as reliable.
Anonymous
The tiny garbage cans are for feminine products, not toilet paper.
Anonymous
I don’t think that’s what the tiny bathroom stall garbage cans are for though?
restaurant
I’m not talking about the tiny garbage cans in almost every bathroom that are for used feminine products. I’m talking about the uncovered small plastic garbage cans like you would purchase in a Target or CVS that have used toilet paper in them. Some places even have signs in the stalls asking you to put your paper in the can instead of flushing it. That is standard practice in some countries with weak sewer systems; I encounter this every time I visit Mexico. When people move to the US they bring the practice with them, even though the sewers here are perfectly capable of handling toilet paper. I see it most commonly in tiny Korean and Mexican restaurants.
anon
This reminds me of my parents’ friends who subscribed to a magazine with frugality tips. I always laughed at what an unnecessary expense it seemed. Back in the ’90s, the wife used to come over and request Kraft mac and cheese if my mom was making lunch. They would only buy the 10 cent cheaper version at home and she loved the Kraft (but couldn’t bring herself to spend the extra 10 cents!)
lsw
I am sorry, but I literally laughed out loud at this one. No amount of early retirement is worth me walking around with beat-looking hair for the rest of my life. This sounds like a clickhole headline.
Anonymous
You do you. I’ve been cutting my hair for years, before reading it on frugalwoods. It’s not even about the money, but the hassle of another appointment, and too many times when I’ve paid someone to do it but wasn’t happy with the results. I guess I have an easier time with my hair texture than others though. And I go for very simple cuts, whether I or someone else cuts my hair. How my hair looks (beyond clean and neat) is just not such an important part of my life.
lsw
I have super hard to handle hair and it took years to find someone who could cut it where it looks good. Totally non-negotiable for me! I don’t wear much makeup and I find that having my hair look reasonable with little to no styling time is worth $$ for me as far as looking professional and put together.
I still find this to be an off the wall suggestion that really amused me. If someone has straight hair and a simple haircut, go for it!
pixie cut
My mom and grandma used to cut my hair when I was growing up, so I’m pretty comfortable with this. I wouldn’t have my husband do my pixie cut where styling matters, but when my hair was below my shoulders, I would often trim it myself. My long hair usually goes into a braid or bun or a simple updo, so the exact cut doesn’t matter too much, and it’s hard to mess up a simple trim on straight hair with no layering.
Anonymous
For most people, yeah. I would definately trust my DH to do my hair if he did a training class or watched a lot of YouTube first. He’s super good at that sort of thing.
I would be terrible at cutting his hair. Oh my god, so bad. I couldn’t even keep my toddler’s hair kind of even!!
Anonymous
I used to cut my kids’ hair when they were under 2 — my boys both looked like Mia Farrow for weeks. Guy hair is surprisingly hard to get right.
Seventh Sister
The one and only time I cut my daughter’s bangs, she looked like one of the kids in a Dorothea Lange WPA photo. Her hair is very straight and the result was…not cute.
I’m definitely frugal about some things, but I have some very, very frugal people in my life that just irritate the sh*t out of me. And I don’t think all of their activities really save them money. For instance, I have an aunt who will wring every last coupon out of any situation, but she was so lax about keeping track of her IRA that it was sent back to the state and redistributed to her.
Anon
I think this is fully dependent on the styles they choose and their relative skill. I mean if the Husband is going bald and keeps a low buzz cut and the wife has standard one length mid back hair, it’s just not that hard to cut hair. And Youtube is a godsend for stuff like this. I wouldn’t put too much judgment on cutting one another’s hair – not everyone maintains color and complicated cuts. Going to the hair dresser is a luxury that is only standard for people at certain income levels.
Anon
Frugalwoods always strikes me as slightly insane.
Anonymous
Don’t they actually make a ton of money from the blog, too?
anonshmanon
They don’t do sponsored posts in any regularity (they may have done a handful), and there are no ads, so how would they make tons of money? It’s a successful brand that has led to a book deal, but other than that?
Aunt Jamesina
The husband still works and makes nearly $300k. I like some of their ideas, but others feel overly restrictive (meal prepping the exact same rice and beans dish for every work day for years!). But the biggest thing that has enabled them to “retire” (husband still works full time and the wife does freelance writing and blogging) is the fact that they both made high salaries.
Anon
No, the biggest thing that enabled them to retire is that they saved most of their earnings (which were higher for the husband – I don’t believe Ms. Frugalwoods ever made more than like, $80K). There are millions of people with way higher salaries who are nowhere close to retirement. Sure, it definitely enables more saving when you have a high salary, but if that were all it took, then way more people would retire early.
anonshmanon
another factor (which must be true for most personal finance blogs that are currently popular right now) is that they started saving aggressively and investing towards the end of the recession, so they bought when stock prices were down and benefited from the full upswing of the market (prices climbed back to what they were before within ~5 years). It’s great that they were at the right place at the right time, but that kind of growth can’t easily be replicated while buying the low-risk index funds that they tout.
Anon
Haha yeah, totally. I don’t find them insane in the same offputting way I do Mr. Money Mustache, but totally out there and definitely not sustainable or attainable for most people. But, OP, you do you!
getting there
Re: “salon prices” – my husband gets his hair cut at Great Clips every 2 months, at about $15+tip.
I get my hair cut less frequently, about 4 times/year, at about $50-60+tip. My salon has stylists available going down to about $35/cut. I’ve gone to stylist schools that take WAY longer but it was $20-25 for a good cut by a student with supervision.
My point is – there is a lot of gray area between “salon prices” and cutting hair in a bathtub. But, you do you!
C
For me, frugal values means thinking carefully about how I spend my money rather than cutting out areas of spending entirely. I won’t cut out going to the salon, but I will choose a more low-maintenance hairstyle so I don’t have to go every month. I don’t buy processed foods anymore and instead put my money towards fresh fruit and vegetables even when they’re more expensive. I don’t buy the trendiest, flashiest things when I need something, whether it’s shoes or home decor. My choices tend to be sensible and somewhat boring but they’ll last me longer and save me money. Being frugal doesn’t necessarily mean “I don’t spend money at all ever.” It means being judicious with your spending and thinking through your purchases. To me, the frugalwoods approach seems too extreme and likely to easily fail- kind of like crash-dieting.
Anon
But that’s exactly what Frugalwoods says too – they spend money on what matters to them, which in their case was a homestead in Vermont. They just decided that coffee, haircuts, new clothes (rather than used), and so on didn’t make the cut. They do spend far less than most people, but they argue pretty convincingly that they are in no way deprived. Some of her blog posts really resonated with me because I have long thought that treating myself to certain things, like dinners out or new clothes, was what I wanted or what I should do once I started earning more, but once I challenged those assumptions, I found that I really prefer to save my money for my hobbies and travel. It’s all about challenging your habits and norms you’ve accepted or developed without even really thinking about it.
Anonymous
+1. I’m not going to stop buying clothes forever and wear whatever hand-me-downs I get. But I like reading frugalwoods for out-of-the-box ideas and general motivation.
emeralds
Totally agree, Anon at 10:02. I try to think of frugality not in terms of deprivation, but in terms of giving me the flexibility and freedom to make sure I have financial resources available for the things I really value.
anonshmanon
lol, that could have been a direct frugalwoods quote. You’ve been brainwashed, emeralds!
emeralds
Yeah, well, I somehow have an enjoyable life on a five-figure HHI and an individual salary that people on this s*te have told me “you can’t survive on,” so I guess the brainwashing is working :)
Anonymous
If you are already rich like the Frugalwoods, it’s pretty easy to feel smug satisfaction instead of deprivation when you choose not to spend on a particular item. It’s a little different when you earn a more average salary and make a zillion choices per day to spend less so there is no enjoyment left in your life, and even after all those choices the savings accumulate so slowly and get wiped out so easily.
Anon
AMEN to this!! This is the whole point. There are these people out there peddling this lifestyle that is actually quite unattainable for most people.
Anon
How do you think they became rich? It wasn’t by spending every cent of their take-home pay on frivolous extras, that’s for sure. They didn’t start out with those high salaries. The blog and book do strongly acknowledge the role of privilege in their lives, but they didn’t start with trust funds or anything that really makes the frugal message disingenuous.
Anonymous
They became rich by earning high salaries. They became somewhat richer by being smug paragons of frugal virtue and blogging about it.
Anon
LOL Anon @ 1:11, NOBODY becomes rich by forgoing good haircuts. That’s just now how it works. They became rich by working at jobs that had good salaries and by no small amount of luck with timing, etc. This kind of message, that you can accumulate wealth if you only just deprive yourself, is BS.
Anon
I actually kind of like the Frugalwoods blog and find it inspiring for when I feel my bad financial habits start to creep back, but holy crap is her style awful. Her freecycled clothes look awful. And I totally get that she doesn’t care! But I do care about what I wear, so I’m never going to completely stop buying new clothes.
Anon
I use a menstrual cup, haven’t bought tampons in 10 years.
Anon
OP here – forgot to add that to my list! I’ve had mine for 10 years too.
CPA Lady
1. I would NEVAR let my husband touch my hair with scissors.
2. To answer your actual question, I’ve been working on being more eco friendly, and have bought the following multi use items to replace disposable items that I have to buy over and over again:
– reusable straws
– a package of washcloths that I specifically use to clean with instead of paper towels (they don’t look like any of my other washcloths so they don’t get accidentally used on my face)
– a 50 pack of white double layer flannel reusable baby wipes that we use instead of kleenex (bought off of Etsy from CreeksideKid)
– reusable fabric snack bags that can go in the washing machine
– fabric facial rounds and large bottles of micellar water instead of disposable face wipes
I also have reusable silicone ziplock bags that can go in the dishwasher on my wish list, but I haven’t gotten them yet.
CountC
Does your micellar water come in plastic or glass? I am looking for a glass one, but am striking out. I do all of the same things you do :) I got silicone ziplock bags for Christmas.
CPA Lady
Plastic. Unfortunately.
CPA Lady
What silicone bags did you get, and do you like them?
Anonymous
We have some from Blue Avocado / re-Zip that are OK for kids’ lunches. I was looking for something for pickles and olives and other “wet” things; if you’re just looking for bags for crackers/baby carrots/tomatoes the Bumkins ones are fine.
CountC
I do like them, although the slider is a bit sticky at first. I don’t recall the brand off the top of my head, but will check and report back!
CountC
I have the Conscious Kitchen ones. https://www.amazon.com/Conscious-Kitchenware-Friendly-Reusable-Silicone/dp/B07D8TXWHB/ref=asc_df_B07D8TXWHB/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=309802460543&hvpos=1o3&hvnetw=g&hvrand=8296409382522559824&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9006656&hvtargid=pla-597617326314&psc=1
Anonymous
PSA from a chemist: this new-fangled term micellar water – is just soap water and a ripoff.
CountC
I know, but it works great on my eye makeup and a large $5 bottle lasts me 6+ months.
Anon
It’s not a ripoff that it gets my makeup off much better than anything else!
tesyaa
This sounds like a dreary existence. Drugstore makeup is cheap but it can really lighten your mood. I assume that couple is spending very little on haircuts if they can be satisfied with the amateur approach. The idea of eliminating vs. reducing (small) expenses sounds like a gimmick.
OTOH, eliminating/reducing larger expenses like a car + auto insurance if you rarely drive is a good way to actually be frugal. For that matter, so does shopping your car and home insurance if you haven’t done that for a while. And so on. Think about what you need vs. what you are currently paying for and haven’t reevaluated for a while.
Vicky Austin
I have to agree. The little things do add up, but so do the big things! Grocery expenses are probably the most malleable of the big expenses; if you haven’t taken a good hard look there you might find lots of wiggle room.
The original Scarlett
+1 – sorry this is the comment I was adding to below
Anonymous
If you have foresight on which movies you like or want to watch, you can get DVDs out of your local library instead. I can often add myself to the waiting list as soon as I see the trailer, which is nice.
Anon
Some libraries also have lots of things you can check out – software, video games, kids’ toys, sports equipment. In my state I can get cards at neighboring county libraries and I’ve used them to check out museum passes and even portable wifi hotspot devices to take on vacation.
trefoil
My local library loans instruments and art. Streaming services through the library, like Overdrive and Cloudlibrary are great for ebooks and audiobooks, and Hoopla has movies and music as well as audiobooks.
anonanon
You can cut out shampoo if you go the no-poo route and just co-wash with conditioner.
Anonymous
Not if you have really oily hair :(
OTOH, spouse is bald, so our average hair expenses are pretty low :)
Anonymous
I (try to…) bring my coffee from home instead of buying it. I’ve never really been tempted by the fancy Starbucks drinks (which is good because I can’t absorb the calories anyway).
I don’t drink alcohol at home during the week. My one glass of wine a day habit equates to one bottle a week for the weekdays, plus whatever I drink on the weekends. I’ve toyed with the idea of not keeping alcohol in the house at all but that’s been… less successful.
I’m working on eliminating takeout/delivery. If I want restaurant food then I should just go to the restaurant and enjoy the ambiance. If I’m going to eat at home then I should pop something out of the freezer or cook something quick.
I stopped an expensive workout class/subscription and picked up running instead. I liked the class but the pressure of getting there on time super early in the morning, getting ready at the gym, and then rushing to work, was really draining. Evenings aren’t an option for me (biglaw). Although I like running less than I liked the class, it makes for a much better overall morning experience – and one that I actually stick to even when I’m tired.
Equestrian Attorney
This sounds a lot like what I do. Almost no work lunch/coffee purchases. Very little takeout, although we do enjoy the occasional restaurant date. No drinking except on weekends (or special occasions). I quit the gym because I wasn’t going enough, and do a combination of running, exercise at home and pay-as-you go classes (normally twice a week) so it’s not a fixed expense I’m stuck with.
But I get my hair cut by a professional. I like some of the Frugalwoods’ values but that particular choice would not work for me. I also think while frugality is interesting, they both had well-paying jobs and he kept his remotely after they moved, which probably has a bigger effect on their lifestyle than not buying makeup or whatever.
Anonymous
Reuseable containers
Minimize your makeup/skincare routine. A lot of that is unnecessarily expensive. I do a BBcream, blush, mascara and eyeliner. A couple eyeshadows for when I go out and a concealer from when I’m tired. Same for skincare – you probably don’t need a seven step regime – decent daytime moisturizer with sunscreen, consistently remove make up and apply decent night cream is enough for most people.
Travel – we stay in AirBnBs or condos. Use kitchen for breakfast and eat out 2-3 times a day instead of every single meal and snack.
FP
Not what you asked but I let my husband cut my hair on our honeymoon! I had grown out my hair super long for the wedding and then forgot to pack my blow dryer and straightener and my hair was driving me completely insane. We went to the resort salon and it looked like a great way to waste $100 on a terrible haircut, so instead we bought some scissors at the drugstore and I asked my husband to chop it but keep it the same length. He actually did a great job! But yeah that was the only time I’d attempt a husband haircut.
Anonymous
Is your hair curly? I have straight hair that is a challenge for pros to get both straight and level. I feel that curly hair is more forgiving.
FP
It is! Definitely more forgiving. I still got it “fixed” when we got home but overall it was not the worst haircut I’ve ever had.
Seafinch
I don’t buy non-seasonal food. I.e. I essentially only buy the cheapest things in the grocery store and whatever is on special, or otherwise not inflated by being out of season. So in the post- Xmas season, we have had beef a half dozen times whereas we didn’t have it all for months before Xmas. No strawberries now. Limited salads but lots of coleslaw. Lots of winter veg and frozen peas.
Menstrual cups;
I stopped dying my hair, and I am letting my hair grow for mat leave (one year long);
We bake our own bread and make our yoghurt (both taste MUCH better);
I cloth diaper and use dollar store wash cloths as wipes;
We renegotiate insurance every year;
I just cancelled our premium internet and cut the price in half with a discount provider; and
I refuse to buy a second car (which means kids only do activities in walking distance we bike to work most of the year).
Anon
I live in a not-desirable neighborhood where I can walk to places. The schools are horrible and there are a lot of places I’d like to walk (or even drive) to that just don’t exist here, but it saves a ton of money.
The original Scarlett
Sorry, no help here, I just don’t aspire to be frugal at all. The approach is just joy sucking out of life. I also agree with the comment that being smart about bigger purchases is a much easier thing to do with a high impact.
Anon
Different strokes for different folks. For me, financial insecurity and the associated stress is far more joy-sucking than not having cable or all the other myriad ways that I & other commenters economize.
The original Scarlett
Oh I totally get that. I’d just caution to be careful not to veer into the penny-wise but pound foolish territory, and make decisions based on facts not fear. What that looks like will definitely vary based on your income, and individual circumstances.
Anon
If you read Frugalwoods, you’ll find that their approach decreases fear. So many people live in fear of the next paycheck being delayed or the next government shutdown happening or the next electric bill, even when they make healthy salaries and spend money. Where’s the joy in that? I read Frugalwoods too and have seen a LOT of joy and peace shining through in their lifestyle and values. Not saying that some people don’t take it too far into miserly territory, but there’s a huge difference between being frugal and being a miser.
Anon
I don’t understand the defensiveness here. Lots of people are saying this lifestyle isn’t for them, but nobody is saying the Frugalwoods are bad.
anonshmanon
@Anon at 12:35 I think the defensiveness is about the several comments that reject the concept of frugality as dreary existence/sucking joy out of life etc. Just pointing out that there is another way to look at it (which is, coincidentally, an oft repeated theme in frugalwoods posts).
Anon
Anon at 12:35, I agree completely with anon at 12:43. It’s not about FW – it’s about portraying frugality as universally terrible/joyless/obsessive when many of us find it to be far more freeing than consuming and spending.
Anon
Literally nobody here is doing that, but okay.
Never too many shoes...
So much this. We have one car and bought an old house in a good neighbourhood on the subway line that we have remodelled over the years. Even factoring the reno costs, the house is worth more than double the amount and is almost paid off. Beyond that, I did not go to school for a million years and work as hard as I do to have my husband cut my hair or anything else. Hard pass on frugality.
Anonymous
Agreed. I also think a lot of people are ignoring the amount of energy it takes to make a zillion small frugal choices (as someone above mentioned). this is mental energy and headspace that could be put toward something else. Like, if you are spending all of your time clipping coupons or watching YouTube videos on how to cut your husbands hair, and washing plastic bags so you can reuse them and storing your used teabags so those too can be re-used, are you really putting the right amount of energy to being the best that you can be at work or with your family? Every person only has so much mental energy that they can allocate to little annoying chores–and these ultra-frugal choices simply create more little annoying chores. You might be better served by trying to reduce the mental energy that you put toward little annoying chores and focus more of that “extra” energy on additional work related activities, or helping to support your family, or other ways of growing yourself as a person that might ultimately help you to become someone who is up for promotion or who can make more money at work. Even taking out the “happiness factor,” it might just be more financially responsible to grow yourself rather than waste time on all of these little annoying chores.
Anon
I can see how that could be true to some extent, but isn’t permanently reducing an expense from your life REDUCING the mental fatigue? To go back to the haircut example, to get your hair cut at a salon, you have to make an appointment, travel to the salon at the right time (taking into account traffic, parking, etc.), plan ahead to get cash for the tip, take up a few hours (maybe less), budget and pay for the cut, and so on. To cut your hair at home, you watch a few YouTube videos once and then spend 10-20 minutes in the comfort of your home getting it done on your own timetable. To me, that choice is clear, but I can see how it would be tiring at the start-up to figure out which frugal choices you want to make and how.
KonMari Addict
I’ve stopped all eating out except if I am doing it in a social context – lunch with a colleague, drinks with a friend, etc. So no more grabbing a cup of coffee on the way to work every day, buying lunch daily, ordering takeout because I’m tired. It took me a while to make this a habit but now it’s sticking. And I’ve figured out how to make better coffee and lunches than what I was having before, and stocked my freezer with freezer friendly leftovers that make a great last minute dinner when I’m tired. I occasionally buy a coffee or food out just for myself but it’s an actual treat, not a default out of habit or boredom. This has saved me hundreds of dollars a month, is better for the environment (less trash and food waste), is healthier, and usually much tastier.
Anon
I love adding up all the ways frugality is a great choice, too – to use an example from my life, biking to work saves a ton of money, is better for the environment, is healthier for me, is fun/freeing, reduces congestion, and reduces stress related to traffic and the packed subway. I think finding all the benefits (rather than highlighting what you might be missing out on) is one way to make frugality stick.
Cb
Oh I think that social context is a great way of thinking about it. Is this part of a pleasant social experience or am I eating my feelings?
anon
I use the library all the time. I download onto my Kindle, check books out for me and my kid, and rent DVDs. (I’ll still buy a kid’s movie every now and then, but only after we’ve checked it out from the library 2-3 times and my kid still likes it.)
We cut cable and just use a combination of our HD antenna, Netflix, Amazon Prime and YouTube (and my husband watches Twitch). We’ll probably cut Netflix soon because we watch fewer than 10 hours per month. We also switched internet providers when our area finally got some decent competition last fall.
Both of our cars are paid off.
I have a VERY short commute. I’ve never been good about bringing my lunch to work, but I go home for lunch frequently now. (I also run a lot of errands at lunch time.)
I go through our credit card statement every 6 months or so and cancel any subscriptions we’re not using. If we purchase a recurring subscription, I put a calendar reminder on my phone to consider canceling before the charge goes through.
This doesn’t eliminate any specific category of expenses, but it eliminates expenses over time. We try very hard to take care of our things and take care of our home. We put things away so they don’t get broken, maintain, and repair when possible. We’ve also taken a few pieces of furniture from family and repaired and refinished it.
Not eliminating expenses, but I buy a lot second-hand.
This one is controversial and not for everyone, but we will probably not get another pet for a long while. Of course, we will take care of our current pet as well as we can through the end of his life. But pets are expensive and can knock down your emergency savings SO fast.
anon
+1 that pets are a huge expense you can opt into or out of completely. However, I will forever hate on anyone who neglects care for pets they have. And personally, I wouldn’t forgo my pets for financial reasons any more than I would make family planning choices for financial reasons.
anon@11:30
Well… finances have played a huge role in my family planning. My first pregnancy resulted in bed rest, which nearly destroyed my career. My new job doesn’t offer paid maternity leave, and I can’t afford unpaid leave, which I would need especially if placed on bed rest again. Also, our kid has some special needs that we spend thousands of dollars per year to address, and we don’t have the resources (money, time, emotional energy) for a second child, even if we got through a pregnancy. I suppose that if I desperately wanted a second child, I’d figure it out, but finances are a major factor in keeping me on the “one and done” side.
I got two cats at a time in my life when I needed them, and I’m very grateful for them. We lost one to cancer a couple of years ago. The second is a very sweet, loving cat who is a member of the family and who we will (of course) take care of. I’m just not adding another pet until we are in a very good place financially.
Never too many shoes...
You lost me there, friend. How can you ignore finances in family planning???
anon
I mean that except in the direst of circumstances, we arrange our finances to fit our families. Somehow, even if it’s far from how we’d like it to be. The way I was raised and the way anon @ 11:30 has sacrificed form her child are the kind of thing I’m talking about.
Miss
I think frugality gets a bad rap because it’s associated with deprivation. But Frugalwoods is much more focused on mindful spending. They changed their lifestyle to support what they really wanted—a homestead in the country rather than jobs in the city.
If you like Marie Kondo, it’s kind of like using her approach to expenses. I cut cable because I didn’t actually get enjoyment out of flipping through the channels and I don’t care about seeing shows when they air. I lower my thermostat because I’m either moving around enough to stay warm or cuddled under a blanket. I only eat out occasionally and with friends or coworkers because the lunch I bring from home is just as good as the quick sandwich I grab. I stopped buying random nail polish and makeup pick-me-ups because it just became clutter and it makes me happier to take a walk with my dog or read a book. The biggest thing I do that saves money is taking care of what I have rather than treating items as disposable. But overall, I think frugality is about making conscious decisions about what you want to spend money on and planning ahead so that you can avoid wasting money as much as possible.
Anonymous
Shop mindfully – always go shopping with a list and never buy anything without thinking it over for a couple days unless it’s a true necessity (food or medicine).
This is a leftover habit from my early 20s, when I was making $30k, living/working in DC and barely able to have $20 leftover in a month after rent, food, transport, and paying back loans.
Morning Yogi
I made my hobbies pay me instead of the other way around. I took a yoga teacher training a few years ago, so now I earn a small stream of money teaching classes at a few studios. The initial outlay of time and expense was large, which I was privileged enough to be able to afford, but I earned it back within 18 months. Now that I’m more experienced and teach more classes, I earn a few thousand each year from yoga and I get unlimited free classes at all the places I teach. Frugality wasn’t the main motivator to sign up for teacher training – I wanted to teach and I really enjoy it – but it was definitely one of the contributing factors.
Wow
– No buying books, get everything from the library
– If you want something online that it not a necessity (piece of clothing, shoes, etc.), put it in your cart for 2 days and then see if you really want it
– No eating out at lunch unless you’re meeting a friend to socialize
– Cook most meals at home
– No Starbucks. Make your coffee/tea at home.
Once I stopped eating out as much I started to save so much money. I also am a much better cook now and eat a lot more healthfully.
Anonymous
Has anyone who has trouble falling asleep due to anxiety/racing thoughts found weighted blankets helpful? Curious if it’s just hype.
And how important is the 10% of bodyweight thing? I don’t know the weight of the person I would be buying for (though he is 6 feet tall, fit but quite thin, if anyone wants to hazard a guess…)
mascot
I generally don’t have trouble falling asleep, but I do have a tendency to wake up at 3am and not be able to get back to sleep for 45 minutes. Alcohol makes it worse, FWIW. I have found that a weighted blanket helps with these middle of the night wakings. If I do wake up, I go back to sleep much faster. So for me, it’s not all hype.
10% of the body weight is the recommended number. Some people like heavier. Mine works out to about 9% of my bodyweight and seems to do the trick. I got mine from Costco and I like it because it has a removable cover that can be machine washed.
Miss
I got the Costco one too and love it. I do find it calming and it has helped me fall asleep faster and stay asleep longer. It’s pretty hot though so I’m not sure how well it will work in the summer.
Anonymous
I have a terrible time falling asleep and tried a weighted blanket over the holidays. It may have been too heavy and I’m also a bit claustrophobic, so it didn’t help. My husband mentioned it felt like one of those x-ray shields they se at the dentists office and I couldn’t get it out of my head. It sort of freaked me out. I may try again with a lighter blanket because I’m desperate for anything that will help me sleep.
Em
Yes, 100%. I would say it cut my time falling asleep at least in half, maybe more. I was concerned I would hate it because I am claustrophobic, but I love it.
SuziStockbroker
I have used a 15 lb weighted blanket for about 13 months. I love it, and it definitely helps me fall asleep, get back to sleep if I wake, and feel more refreshed in the AM.
The recommendation I read was 10% of your body weight plus 1-3 lbs.
Both my teenagers also sleep with one (I got a 17 lb blanket for my teen boy as he was growing so fast). My littlest one likes to steal his sister’s 15 lbs blanket.
Blindish date
Please be kind. Due to complicated life circumstances (on the spectrum but highly functioning, carer for terminally ill parent, being the breadwinner for my sibling etc.), I have never been in a relationship. I am 33, never been kissed.
My parent has passed away, I have gone through therapy, I have better self-esteem and am ready for a relationship.
After careful consideration, I have signed up for an “elite” matchmaking service. I am successful professionally, physically fit, and attractive by generic standards.
Now, I expect the agency to dive into my profile and eventually set up a couple encounters.
What does one wear to a first “date” when you are more mature? I cannot believe some of the advice on cosmo.
I am thinking sleeved, high neckline, black silk dress (hits a couple inches above the knee), black sheer tights with black velour dots, and flat derbies as I have orthopedic issues. To add color, I would wear a mustard coat, a rich lip color, and red nails. I have dark skin.
Is this outfit OK or does it scream black widow? I am assuming the date is either brunch or dinner.
How would you navigate the questions about my past and that I never had a boyfriend? I am not keen on unpacking my parent’s disease and sibling’s mental health issues until I am comfortable in a budding relationship.
Anon
It sounds kind of formal for a first date, though it does sound pretty. Do you have a more casual non-black dress?
So sorry for all you’ve been through. I can’t imagine why anyone would be unkind!
Vicky Austin
Agree that it sounds formal. You can also take down the formality by splitting it into two pieces: nice shirt and nice pants or skirt will still be pretty, if you have some that you like. I could see a black skirt and a top that is close in color to your nails being very stylish and still a touch more casual.
Re questions about your past, I think some people think it’s (silly? bad luck? rude?) to bring up things like exes and past relationships on a first date, so I don’t think you have too much danger of being interrogated about it. You can turn it into an opportunity to flirt if you are pressed for information: “Oh, I think that’s a third/fourth/fifth date question…” *smile*
Anon
First dates are usually pretty casual – your outfit sounds lovely but way overdressed, depending on the venue. I’m not sure how it works in an “elite matchmaking service” but first dates in my experience typically involve meeting for coffee or a drink – just a short meeting to see if you like each other’s company rather than committing to a whole meal. You will probably go on a lot of bad dates (totally normal) and trust me, you don’t want to be stuck sitting through three courses with someone you can’t stand.
Anonymous
Good luck! That outfit sounds a bit fancy IMO. Like most guys wear jeans 99% of the time and maybe khakis if they are fancy. But it does sound very pretty. And it is maybe OK to be pretty on a first date you are excited about.
For a serious relationship, is there a reason that you have to be in charge of Sibling? [My husband has a failure-to-launch sibling that I would have put my foot down over supporting, but I have a cousin who has brain damage from birth and will never live independently and his sisters will have him as their responsibility after their parents are gone.] That, more than your personal situation, may be more of an issue with a significant other.
FWIW, many of my male family members are engineers and science types who are most definitely on the spectrum and they are lovely steady partners (all are married). I am sure that there is truly a lid for every pot.
OP
Software engineer here! Glad to hear things have worked out for your friends.
I guess “failure to launch” is the best description for my sibling. My parents were in a messed up relationship but it got worse as one was dying. Sibling never forgave living parent. She also always thought that every job that is not in bulge bracket something was beneath her. So she stayed jobless (now 6 years out of grad school).
I have been an enabler because I thought this was one more thing I could mute by throwing money at it while I was handling my parent turning into a hurtful person because of illness.
So far in therapy, we got over the grief and some other topics like me being worthy of love etc., but I think being a crutch for sibling will come next. I hope to have partially or fully dealt with it as I also flourish into a relationship.
Anon
Good point about supporting the sibling. That would be way more of an issue to me than someone’s lack of experience.
Idea
It sounds great! It sounds like you’re thinking “job interview” and I just want to ask – are YOU interviewing him for the position, too? I hope so!
OP
I wrote a detailed description of what I want a relationship to be, what I think makes a good partner, and things that turn me off. It was pretty straightforward as I had just to go back to some therapy notes I took over many sessions. I’ve got this, and have no problem cutting things short.
Anonymous
I agree, too formal — switch to jeans and a black top and you’re better.
anon
I’m so sorry for all you have been through, but it sounds as if you’ve accomplished a lot for yourself personally. I’d also hardly call 33 “mature” – you are still very young. I agree with the others that an outfit like that may be a bit too formal. I would suggest a silky blouse and jeans, maybe some black boots. Something simple but slightly more formal than a t-shirt and jeans.
As for any questions about past relationships, I don’t see that topic necessarily coming up on a first date. If it comes up, subject to your comfort level, I would say something like “my parent was terminally ill for a long period of time, and I wanted to be there to care for her/him. I’ve also tried to stay focused on my career when I wasn’t with my mom/dad.” Most people would not pry too much about your parent’s illness at that stage – I know when I dated something whose mother had passed away young, I never asked him how, and just let him slowly open up. We talked a lot about adjacent topics to it (his closeness to his mother’s side of family, his identity with the country she was from, some of his memories as a kid, etc.), but it took months before he really talked openly about her death.
I think anyone who hears that you cared for your parent will be very understanding that you didn’t have much time for your personal life at that time, and admire you for taking care of your parent.
As for your sibling’s mental illness, I see less of a need to mention this any time soon. That is your sibling’s personal life, and I wouldn’t share that information about my sibling to anyone but a close friend/romantic partner. Until you are involved with someone a bit closer, or need to address it in a situation, this is just being respectful of your sibling.
I wish you good luck with all your dates!
OP
Thanks all, I will go instead for jeans, a flowy top and booties
I’ll update in few weeks if I had any dates
Anonymous
I’ve had a guy tell me to not wear jeans on a first date. Would opt for casual skirt or nicer pants. But… I greatly love jeans and hate his advice.
Anon
What?? This seems silly, but may be location-dependent. I almost always wear jeans on the first date, unless it’s July/August/September, because then I’m more comfortable in a sundress.
Anon
I would tell that guy where he could shove it.
Eh
Yeah that’s straight up sexist. He said don’t wear jeans because he wants you to wear a skirt because patriarchy. NOPE
Is it Friday yet?
+1
Anon
My only advice is to remember that the clothes men like aren’t necessarily the clothes women think are fashionable. If you know that and still rock the clothes you love, power to you.
Anonymous
Congrats on beginning this stage of your life! Fingers crossed that you find the right person for you.
Flat derbies with dark denim or black skinny jeans plus a cute sweater or blouse is perfect for a coffee or lunch date. Weekend brunch/lunch dates are a great option because you can ‘have plans’ and leave right after lunch if it’s not going well. Or suggest continuing the date with a walk or visit to a nearby museum/gallery/bookstore if it is going well.
Don’t feel obligated to share too much personal info with a new person on a first date. Just enjoy getting to know them and chat a bit about your work or interests/hobbies.
anon a mouse
Yes this! Don’t think of it as a date. Think of it as meeting a new friend. Just get to know the person. Don’t evaluate them for potential life partner. Just get to know them and try to figure out if you enjoy their company enough to do it again.
And don’t overweight profiles. Use them as a jumping off point, but be open to being surprised — by chemistry, or humor, or common bonds that you didn’t expect. You’ve had a lot of long hard years – have fun!
Anon
I just want to jump in to say that you’re not “mature” (Senior Attorney is mature, you’re still young!) and plenty of people don’t have tons of dating experience. I don’t think you should feel like you need to bring up that you’ve never dated before and I doubt anyone would ask on a first date, if that makes you feel better. Most people do not have exciting dating lives so yours won’t be shocking. :) If it does come up, just say that you haven’t dated much because you’ve been busy with work and family stuff and the right person hadn’t come along yet.
NOLA
Yep, I was thinking the same thing. 33 is not “mature” at all (other than in the grown adult sense). I am 54 and, due to jumping from relationship to relationship throughout my adult life (3 long-term relationships, including one 9 year marriage), I’ve never actually gone out on a date like she’s describing. I’m terrified of the whole idea! So not having dated much is totally normal. I would say to dress more casually. As they say, there’s a lid for every pot. But OP, you’re definitely thinking of yourself as much older than you are.
Senior Attorney
HAHA exactly!
lsw
Good luck and congrats on doing this for you! Also, you didn’t ask (so feel free to ignore this), but you are not alone. Your post and story is so eerily similar to my dearest friend that I did a double-take and wondered if she started posting here.
BonChance
I wish you all the luck in the world! Just FYI, I have a friend who signed up for an elite matchmaking service and was matched with much older men. This may have been a fluke of her city and the service she chose. I just want to say that if these dates don’t feel like they’re leading to anything don’t get discouraged – consider a different service, etc. I’ll also say that for me, match was really useful. I went on a lot of bad dates but I got a lot of practice dating, which we all need.
Anon
Lots of good advice here but I wanted to also remind you to relax and have fun too. You seem very focused on the “hunt” aspect, but a relationship is about having fun too! Relax and be yourself on the date! In my experience, first date questions are pretty surface-level and really more about seeing if there’s a connection, rather than getting into the tough stuff. And honestly if a guy asked me super deep questions about my family or whatever on a first date, I’d find that strange.
Also it may take a few (or more) guys to find a relationship. Don’t settle just because you’re ready to be in a relationship, wait for the guy who is right for you.
Anon
Good luck! You sound like a great catch and I hope you meet some great men. I’m writing with encouragement. I also used a matchmaking service when I started dating in midlife after a divorce years ago. It was before online dating became so prevalent. I met several wonderful men–attractive, employed, responsible, kind– through this service and ended up in a long term relationship with one (now 12 years and going strong). You could also ask the service for suggestions on dress, etc. This is a good move for you.
Anon
A lot of men who are really, really great guys don’t have a lot of experience, either. For many people in their 20s, experience is about confidence and extroversion. The quiet nerds shine in their 30s.
I am my husband’s second serious relationship. We met in our mid-thirties. His lack of saying experience is hardly an issue… I’m just beyond happy to have found him.
NYCer
With a caveat that I haven’t been on a first date in years…. Most of my first dates were post-work, so 9 times out of 10, I would wear work clothes to the first date. Generally, I would try to wear one of my cuter dresses if I had a date, but it was still a work dress. This is generally true of most of my friends as well (again, this was several years ago as we are mostly married or coupled off now).
AnonForThis
Want to chime in to say, you are awesome! A great daughter and a caring sibling, as well as a committed professional! Kudos to you for taking the plunge into dating and prioritizing your needs now! Enjoy your date and please tell us about it later.
Signed, only ever dated one person and no intimacy experience until 25, now a happy suburban mom of 40
NYC recs?
Love this dress.
Heading into NYC today for work and my meeting is not until late afternoon so I have a few hours to kill. I’ll be in the Penn Station area. Any recs for a great healthy lunch nearby? Also would love to replace the worn out grey flats I’m wearing but don’t think I can handle a Macy’s. Is there a store with great, comfortable, stylish flats/loafers/oxfords for women in the general area? Willing to spend up to 200. Thanks!
Anonymous
Go to K-town — you can get lots of yummy stuff that can work with a variety of diets. Kimchi stew and dumplings aren’t too high calorie… bbq beef is great for high protein… Bibimbap is healthy but probably too much rice for most diets.
NOLA
I would go to Macy’s anyway. There’s a whole floor of shoes and it’s beautifully laid out (unless that changed recently). On a weekday afternoon, it shouldn’t be horrible.
NYC Anon
Might be too late – but Friedman’s (31 street) is very good, but more casual. Stella 34 Trattoria (restaurant on 6th floor of Macy’s) is also semi-decent. There’s also a DSW near Penn Station.
KonMari Addict
I love this dress but wish it came in black! I find navy to be really hard to pair and red is really too much for me.
CountC
I am the opposite, I think navy is so much easier to pair!
KonMari Addict
What neutrals do you pair it with? I don’t really wear colors, so this may be a me problem….
CountC
Tan, grey, cream, burgundy, camel – honestly, I am trying to think of a neutral that navy doesn’t go with. I find that black pairs worse with neutrals, but perhaps that’s due to my coloring? I only pair black with grey or patterns with black in them.
anon a mouse
Cognac. Gray. Burgundy. This navy dress would look fantastic with turquoise or spring green shoes when the weather warms up.
The original Scarlett
Same here, but I also pair navy and black together all the time.
Anon
I’d like to encourage the red! It’s really not as bold as it can seem and I think it looks soooo good. But also, if you’re truly a KonMari addict, maybe you shouldn’t be buying a new dress just because it’s featured here anyway ;)
KonMari Addict
I’d like to encourage the red! It’s really not as bold as it can seem and I think it looks soooo good. But also, if you’re truly a KonMari addict, maybe you shouldn’t be buying a new dress just because it’s featured here anyway ;)
AnotherAnon
Just a slight rant this morning. The last place I worked implemented Kanban; no one on my team used it. Due to the nature of our project it took more time to put tasks into kanban than to simply complete them. The place I work now announced yesterday that they’re implementing something similar – just a mini project tracking system. I haven’t said anything because I’m new and trying to be open minded but none of my very busy group is going to use this. I sort of feel like since I’m the least technical on the team I should do more documentation type work, but I also just…don’t want to? I’m already the only woman on the team – I’m hesitant to paint myself as the admin.
anon a mouse
Don’t do their work for them. Get clarity from your boss as to what everyone’s input/admin responsibilities are and do yours ONLY. Especially since this is a new process — if people start out relying on you, you will never not do it.
anon
Yeah, I wouldn’t raise my hand to maintain the system, either. IME, these things are successful ONLY if everyone is on board and doing the work to maintain their tickets, enter items, etc.
FWIW, I lead a team that uses Trello. It has evolved from entering every item to just using it to get an overall sense of the big picture — who is assigned to which project, what’s the general status of that project, where are we spending the most time. We don’t enter every sub-item — that just becomes onerous to maintain.
Anon
Don’t do documentation if no one else is. It’s a thankless task. Although, if you do want to do it, you can use it as an excuse to work with other people on the team to understand how different parts of your system work if you need the technical advisory and want to get plugged in with people.
anon
I feel like the seasonal slump is hitting me hard right now. My mood has been just terrible for the past couple of weeks. I’m trying to embrace the coziness of winter, exercise often, and get outdoors even on crummy days. Alas, I’m still a total grouch. I want to sleep all day and eat cake all evening. The other night I fell asleep on the couch at 8:45 p.m. for no good reason whatsoever; I’m just exhausted.
Help me snap out of this! You’d think as a hardened Midwesterner, I’d be doing better with this.
Anonymous
You basically just described my Monday. Usually I love winter but this year I am so over it.
Anon
I’m struggling with this too. Compounded by my unhappiness at work. As soon as the holidays were over, I felt really miserable.
New Englander
Smartwool socks.
anon a mouse
How are your vitamin levels? I added Vitamin D a couple weeks ago and can really tell a difference in my pep. Are you drinking enough water?
It could be that you are just going through a little slog, in which case…. is there anything wrong with going to bed early a few nights in a row? (No, there is not.)
Anon
This Minnesotan is feeling this so much – I’m making myself go to the gym to walk at minimum a mile on the track daily on days I don’t go to a class. Sometimes I go again in the evening if I do a class at noon. I keep repeating to myself that the daylight hours are, in fact, getting longer.
The source of my malaise is that I don’t have a warm trip to look forward to this year. We switched our usual winter trip to an Easter trip and given a mid-winter wedding and a President’s weekend family event, so I will probably not see a beach until memorial day weekend.
Anon
I’ve been putting some serious work with my therapist on my SAD this winter. Exercise is the biggest help, but soo difficult for me to maintain. She says to really get a benefit, one needs 45 mins at least 4 times per week. This is more for anxiety, but she’s also recommended eliminating or reducing caffeine, alcohol, tobacco, and sugar. I take vitamin D supplements in the winter and I’ve also recently started taking fish oil supplements because I’ve read that can help with dysthymia.
Warmer clothes for skiing
I went skiing in my family recently and while I loved it, my feet and hands were freezing. This is in DC/MD/VA, so not super cold but cold enough. Would love recommendations on very warm socks and how to keep hands warm (I wore fleece lined gloves and Columbia mittens over it and my fingers were still ice after an hour). I also have poor circulation generally, so my extremities may be colder than normal.
Also, for my kids, should I buy the Uniqlo heat teach shirts and leggings? And if so, should I get the regular version or the extra warm? Other ideas to keep the kids warm?
Anonymous
I found regular heat-tech flimsy (in NC) and only rely on the heavy weight heat-tech when I need warmth.
Z
I just bought heattech warm leggings and I love them! It’s amazing how much warmer they are than regular leggings, especially considering how thin they are. I made the mistake of wearing them to an (indoor) exercise class, and I got overheated fast, but I think they’d be good for outdoor sports like hiking and skiing.
BB
You can actually get mittens with mini pockets in them to insert hand warming packets (one-use things that work for a couple of hours). Second the heattech leggings, but you can also wear 2 layers of them. Thick real wool socks are a must, and again, you can do a thin wool sock and a thicker sock over it. Also make sure you have fleece/faux faur lined shoes or boots.
(My experience is from a week vacation in Canada where it was -30F and -45F with windchill.)
Anon
Darn Tough socks are great. As for the HeatTech, I would buy something else. I don’t think it’s that nice. Maybe Under Armour cold gear?
Is it Friday yet?
+1 to both the Darn Tough and cold gear. Smartwool is also great, for socks, neckwarmers, and long underwear.
Annie
Skier living in Aspen – I love Darn tough socks and insulated leather gloves. If you have poor circulation mittens are actually warmer than gloves. Links to what I wear:
https://www.amazon.com/Darn-Tough-Yeti-Cushion-Sock/dp/B00LTY074K (The Yeti makes me so happy)
https://flylowgear.com/collections/womens-gloves/products/ridge-glove#
haven’t tried, but this is the mitten version of my gloves: https://flylowgear.com/collections/womens-gloves/products/oven-mitt-1#
long underwear:
bottoms – I like Montbell
lighter: https://www.montbell.us/products/disp.php?cat_id=25055&p_id=2307494&gen_cd=2
heavier: https://www.montbell.us/products/disp.php?cat_id=25056&p_id=2307500&gen_cd=2 or https://www.montbell.us/products/disp.php?cat_id=25057&p_id=2307474&gen_cd=2
tops – I like patagonia
https://www.patagonia.com/product/womens-capilene-midweight-crew/44436.html?dwvar_44436_color=RSDC&cgid=womens-baselayers-midweight#start=1
If price is a concern, it’s always worth checking out Sierra Trading Post.
Is it Friday yet?
If your hands get cold, you don’t want a glove layer, you want straight mittens all the way. I’m a big skier, and love love love my Hestras – I have a pair of Helis in both glove and mitten form, and also a pair of liners. Definitely spendy, but SO WARM (and have removable fleece liners you can pull out if you’re too warm – and you can throw them in the washing machine). If it’s super cold (for me, this under about 10F), I add a pair of hand warmers. Also, make sure your core is warm enough, because your body pulls from your extremities if it isn’t.
Anonymous
Depending on your kids, Uniqlo might be fine. We’re serious skiers, but my daughter wears the C9 base layers from Target (she just grows so fast!). I personally prefer a wool base layer. Patagonia has awesome ones. I would avoid fleece as your glove liner. Go for a liner that is a tech material and thinner, then get mittens (not gloves) that are warm. I have some big down gloves from REI that are just awesome (they look like pillows, but are specifically meant for skiing). Darn Tough socks are great, as are SmartWool. Only wear one pair – resist the urge to layer, which I think makes you colder. Make sure your boots are roomy enough and if renting, make sure your boots are really really dry.
Vicky Austin
I agree that layering socks makes you colder – I think it cuts off your circulation a little bit, and OP mentions she struggles with that already. Better to have one layer you really trust.
Anon
I just overheard my boss, who just started in October, telling someone that he’s leaving the company. JFC.
Anon
Well, it happens. Doesn’t seem JFC-worthy to me.
Original Moonstone
EEEK!
Credit cards?
Anyone willing to share what their credit card situation looks like?
I was going through my wallet and realized I have way too many cards and I was wondering what other folks do, and if they have a credit card they love. I have:
2 debit cards (one for each institution where I bank)
1 credit card for business expenses (no benefits- I’m a freelancer and it was the first card I ever got, through my Union)
1 credit card I share with my husband that gets us Mariott points
1 credit card I share with my husband that we use for Internet purchases that get airline miles.
I seriously don’t need to have so many cards in my wallet, I feel. We need to replace this last card because it the account keeps getting stolen/ frozen/ etc. and customer service is abysmal. What card do people feel give them the best perks? We pay off our balance every month and use our cards for everything (every day expenses as well as daycare, bills, etc.) because we like accruing the points.
Anonymous
I think you’re fine. We have basically the same system minus the business card but our employment situations mean we don’t need one. I’d definitely have a separate business card if necessary.
Cat
1 debit card.
2 credit cards. One is a backup account in case there is a problem with the primary card. We use it just enough to keep the account open.
FSA card.
anon
1 main credit card
1 main debit card
1 Target debit card
2 HSA account credit cards from HSAs opened at two different jobs
Husband also has a credit card with a lower limit that he uses as his main card, though he also has a copy of my main credit card that he can also use, but rarely does.
Anon
I just discovered you can roll HSA plans over to consolidate your 2 into 1!
Anon
That seems on the low side to me. I have:
1 card shared with my husband that we use for most things (Chase Amazon VISA)
1 card shared with my husband that we use for international travel because it has no foreign transaction fees (CapitalOne Venture)
1 Target card that I use at Target only (5% back)
1 HSA credit card for medical expenses
1 work credit card for work expenses (employer requires I put work expenses on this card)
1 debit card from my bank account (I never use it except in emergencies)
I don’t really think any of them are unnecessary. I’m considering opening an airline credit card because we fly one airline a ton and I think it might be worth it.
The original Scarlett
We just do 2 – a Chase Reserve for everything and amEx as a backup. This way points build up fast – we typically get at least one free trip a year via Chase.
Anon
Just an FYI – it’s better to use a Chase Reserve on dining and travel only to get triple points, but use it in conjunction with a Chase Unlimited (free) for 1.5 points on everything else. You only get 1 point on other purchases with Chase Reserve. You can very easily transfer the points from Unlimited to Reserve. You’ll earn more points!
The original Scarlett
Ohh thank you!! Didn’t realize that!!
cbackson
1 debit card, which I never use (I don’t purchase on debit and rarely use cash).
1 business credit card
1 high-rewards Amex for the airline I primarily fly (mostly critical for the ability to earn status more quickly and have lounge access, which are business travel lifesavers)
1 high-reward non-Amex credit card (because I needed a Visa and wanted the points for my discretionary travel…considering dropping to the lower annual fee product within the same product family)
Amazon store card (not in wallet, obviously)
HSA card (which I don’t use, because I try to pay medical costs out of current funds and let the HSA money grow)
I also have some cards I don’t use anymore that I keep in a drawer – like a Cap 1 Visa and a Nordstrom card. I’m just letting those sit until they’re eventually deemed inactive and closed.
CountC
– 2 debit cards (one for each checking account)
– 2 Amex cards (one for travel rewards and one for cash back)
– Nordstrom card that I never use but keep open for credit score purposes
– 1 bank credit card (to use when Amex is not accepted – look at you small animal vet)
– FSA card
Probably something in a drawer like cbackson too – maybe BOA, WF? I don’t use it and I let it go until it expires/goes inactive.
I almost never use cash and I charge everything for cash back and rewards.
Anonymous
I have a bunch of these cards but never use them and don’t carry them. In my wallet I have the debit card for my main bank and my main credit card (amazon). I also have a JetBlue card which DH and I only use for work travel, so that sits in my home office unless I’m traveling. I have an old credit card from ~2001 that I never closed. That card is in my home office. I also have an HSA card, debit cards for my other 2 bank accounts, and a Nordstrom charge- those all sit in the drawer unless being used.
Anonymous
2 debit cards (one for joint checking account, one for my personal checking account). DH and I have mostly separate finances so he also has 2 debit cards and 2 personal credit cards.
1 HSA card (but like another poster, I try to pay out of pocket for any medical costs so the HSA grows)
1 joint credit card
1 personal credit card that earns the same awards as the joint credit card so we can combine them (I’ve had this card the longest, so not closing it since it helps with credit history)
1 personal airlines card that I rarely use – I consider this my backup card
Anon
I have two. Capital one and Discover. I love the benefits for purchases on Amazon with my discover card. I regularly get $5 off my orders due to the cash back bonus. I have a bank card also.
Anonymous
1 debit card associated with checking account
1 MasterCard credit card associated with checking account
1 Amazon Visa credit card, leftover from my student days but I like the rewards/points
1 United Airlines credit card mostly because my family likes to fly United for intl travel and the lounge passes more than pay off for the annual fee for this.
1 Target credit card because I go to Target so often why not
givemyregards
Echoing others saying that that doesn’t seem too crazy to me. I have:
1 – debit card
1 – chase freedom unlimited that’s a joint card with my SO
1 – chase sapphire for travel expenses/personal expenses that don’t go on the joint card
1 – chase freedom that was my first credit card that I keep open for credit score purposes/emergencies. I occasionally use this when I remember what the 5% category.
1 – one store card that I keep open to use occasionally and for my credit score.
I don’t carry the store card with me all the time, but I do carry the other four and it seems to work for me? I like all the chase cards – alone they’re not particularly amazing, but in combination I rack up a lot of points.
I need a new name
I’ve got more than the average person, probably, as I’ve gotten a bit into credit card churning in the last 18 months. I will say that I don’t literally carry all my cards in my wallet – I just keep my current/daily drivers in my wallet. I’ve got a card wallet at home where I keep all the rest and all those discount/membership cards.
Right now, I’ve got:
one debit card for Fidelity checking (reimburses all ATM fees, I use their money market acct for my emergency fund, recommend)
one debit card for Finn (it’s an app-only account through Chase, got it because of the initial opening bonus and quite like it)
Fidelity Visa (2% cash back on everything)
Hilton Amex (I got this in late ’18 for the opening bonus, 75K Hilton points I think, and am now using it for groceries and gas, where it earns good rates; it’s the no-AF one so I’ll likely keep it)
Uber Visa (got for the opening cash bonus, earns 4% cash back on online purchases and 3% on restaurants, I believe, plus it has $600 cell phone replacement coverage if you pay your phone bill with it)
Above are what I carry in my wallet right now; others are:
Amex Blue Cash Plus (got for the opening bonus last year, earns 6% cash back on groceries and 3% on gas but has a $95 AF, I’ll probably downgrade it to the no-AF Blue Cash Everyday when the fee comes due, because my local grocery doesn’t code correctly for some reason)
Target Red Card, the store card not the Visa, 5% off on everything at Target and free shipping online
Banana Republic card, again the store card not the visa, earns points at BR/Gap/ON
IHG Mastercard, I got this one for the 100K points opening offer and the TSA precheck reimbursement; there’s a free anniversary night each year but there is an annual fee
Ann Taylor Mastercard, I’ve had this one for years; in fact, it might be my oldest card now. Earns points at AT/Loft but mainly I keep it because they send good 0% balance transfer offers out all the time
Nordstrom Visa, again quite old, earns you extra rewards at Nordstrom (I used to know what they are off the top of my head, but they’ve changed to the Nordy Club whatever and everything’s ever so slightly different)
Discover It, got for the first year cash back doubling, now I usually just use it for whatever is the 5% cb category of the quarter
Chase Amazon Visa, this was dumb to get since a few months after I did I canceled Prime, but I’ve got it now so I still use it at Amazon (3% back without Prime, I think)
Obviously nobody needs this many cards; I think a good basic setup is the Fidelity Visa or the Citi Double Cash, both 2% cash back, or the Chase Freedom Unlimited, 1.5% cb plus the Freedom, 5% cb on quarterly categories. If you travel a lot, look into a card(s) that have primary rental car insurance and/or from the airline or hotel chain you usually use, plus precheck/global entry if you want it, and one with no foreign transaction fees if you’re out of the country a lot.
Live-in MIL Transportation
My MIL recently moved in. She had a health issue last year that required around the clock care, which got the ball rolling on her moving is with us. MIL is 100% healthy again, but it revealed how precarious her situation is. Her finances aren’t great. Lots of consumer debt (which she’s working toward paying off), limited income, no savings, etc.
My immediate question relates to transportation – MIL sold her car last summer to help pay off debt. While she was at home, she would get rides from friends. She moved cross-country to live with us, and has no one other than my husband and I to get her around, and we both work full time. Transportation would go a long way to helping her develop a new social circle. (I am very sympathetic to the fact that she had to uproot her life and move somewhere without her social circle which is another issue I could use help addressing). We live in a town with no public transit. At any given time there are 3-5 Uber/Lyft drivers available, and I’m not sure she would trust that mode of transit.
Ok, all that to say – we have the means to get her a car and maybe to pay for her insurance if we forgo some other planned (but ultimately unnecessary) expenses and dip into savings. The other option is to add her to our insurance and let her use one of our two cars (my husband and I can often share one car). The second option doesn’t result in any upfront expense, but I am nervous about liability and increased premiums if MIL causes an accident. MIL is not the most attentive driver and has a track record of mysterious dents in her car.
Any thoughts on questions I should ask? Things to consider? Thank you to the group.
P.S. Please forgive any insensitive sentiments in this. I was really unprepared for having an older parent move in, and I’m still playing catch up with trying to find good resources for having tough conversations about co-habitating, money, etc, as well as sorting out the emotions around having a new roommate indefinitely.
anon a mouse
I would give Uber/Lyft a good try with her before ruling it out. Take several rides with her, show her how to use the app, how to verify that it’s the right car, etc. Maybe you could all go to dinner one night in a Lyft? That would give her a lot more freedom at a lower cost than actual car ownership.
If that doesn’t work, I’d buy a cheap beater car for her, and insure it only for liability. If she has a history of dings and dents, do you really want her driving and parking your car? It also might go more towards augmenting her sense of freedom, since she wouldn’t feel like she has to ask or coordinate with you when she wants to go somewhere.
Anonymous
I like this advice to try to ease her into Uber/Lyft first.
And FWIW, I didn’t pick up insensitivity from your post. It sounds like an incredibly difficult situation, one that I’d really be personally struggling with. As in, I’d be angry and sad and also understanding and wanting to help, all at the same time. Good for you for taking this on and working to make the best of it.
Anon
I second the idea of a beater car with her own insurance. Uber/Lyft in the meantime.
Find a friend who knows cars to help you look for one. Alternatively, put out a call to your networks for anyone looking to sell an old but reliable vehicle.
anon
I would highly recommend looking into options from the local senior center. Many run outings and buses, or will even pick up people from their homes. This could also be an option for allowing her to get to medical appointments independently.
Pompom
My uncle drove a hired towncar in the Boston metrowest burbs for many years (this was before uber/lyft existed). The majority of his clients/fares were people in your MIL’s situation. Consider finding a similar set up with a local independently owned cab company. She can build a relationship and trust, and get where she needs to go without implicating your insurance.
Anonymous
Does your town have a senior center? You may want to connect with them and see what transport options are around. I live in an area with no public transportation, but our senior center has several awesome programs, including community volunteers that do driving, shuttles, etc. our senior center also has educational stuff re: rideshaeing. It could also be a place to meet new people.
I think insurance premium impact will vary by state. Where I am, if MIL got into an accident it would jack up *her* premium, which, of you then took her off the account, would bring yours back to normal. The claim history and license points follow the driver here.
I’d recommend exploring transport/rideshare, then look at putting her on your car’s UNLESS you have Really nice cars- or frankly impractical ones. My mom (and frankly, me too…) has trouble driving my husband’s Bmw because it’s low to the ground and really sporty. My SUV is really high and hard for my elderly grandmother to get into.
AZCPA
Are there any special public benefits in your town that she could apply for? In my area, there’s a van transportation option for folks who can’t drive (if you are concerned about the safety of her driving, this might be somewhere you can get a doctor to weigh in). It is run by our city; while our bus system is terrible, the van system is regarded as pretty great. My boyfriend used to work at a center for the blind, and that’s the primary transportation for most of the folks there – you just call a day ahead to get a ride anywhere in town (and they take non-service pets even).
Anon
I’d try to teach her to use Uber/Lyft or go with a car service (you could even ask Uber/Lyft drivers if they know of anyone locally who provides that kind of service).
It’s often really hard to get senior citizens to stop driving before they’re very, very unsafe. In my area, we had a case of a senior citizen accidentally hitting a couple of children on the sidewalk in the small downtown area (I think accidentally going forward instead of reverse or gas instead of breaks). If she’s already not a good driver, you may not want the moral responsibility of helping her drive more at this point.
Anonymous
I’m a senior associate in biglaw and I’ve started to build my own client base. When I was a very junior associate, I really struggled with billing the actual number of hours I worked because I felt like the project should’ve taken less time, maybe it’s not worth that much money, etc. I thought I’d gotten over that. But now that I’m billing my own clients and reviewing my own bills and being asked to write down my own time, that sense of not being worthy is starting to creep back in. Especially when the clients push back on some of the charges. Generally it’s things like, this insurance company does not allow block billing please split up each task in a different entry. But sometimes it’s, why did it take you 6 phone calls to the court/opposing counsel to get that hearing date? Or worse, why did it take you 10 hours to write that brief? Having to justify my time is really taking a toll on me.
I know I work efficiently and I deserve to bill my time. Also, I’m up for partner this year so I really need “credit” for the hours I’m actually working. Has anyone else dealt with this?
Anonymous
Are you in charge of your bills or is another partner? Don’t cut your own time either way. If you think something took too long, you can tell the partner in a CYA email (though don’t do this every day/month – I mean on the rare occasion). Insurance companies have specifically auditors in place to cut time. That’s what they do. Do not be offended when they do that. Bill the time that is spent and if anything, figure out a better way to describe what you are doing so it’s clear that it’s adding value to the client and the file.
Unfortunately, justifying your time is just part of private practice, I think.
OP
Thanks. Just for clarity, I’m in charge of my bills. These are my clients that I’m originating.
mascot
This has been one of the hardest parts for me as well. One of the things that seems to help is to be very clear with your clients when they are pursuing a difficult or expensive path. If they want to go down it, then you told them. Also, putting specific details and longer descriptions into your billing entries seems to help so they can see the work. For a large bill and depending on the client, we can do some courtesy discounting, which we clearly label as such (instead of writing off time on individual days which doesn’t get reflected on a final bill since they only see the finalized entry). Even if not a lot of money, seeing that reduction may make a difference. T
Anon for this
Welcome to billing! It helps to always have an initial approved budget that is very generous. Put in there that it might be too high, but you are anticipating various contingencies. Revisit periodically and always leave wiggle room. Whenever a client complaints about a bill, reference the budget and indicate that you are still well within it and do they want to revisit the approved budget because you are happy to discuss if they want to take a less proactive approach.
Follow insurance guidelines (e.g. no block billing) – and bill everything you can. They are going to chip away at you, so bill everything that is allowable. (Although don’t be ridiculous; it you received 10 sets of identical discovery don’t bill .10 for each set.) If you are billing multiple pieces of mail under a .10, say so. It helps later to be able to point out that you COULD have billed a .10 for every single document that crossed your desk but you were trying to be efficient and save them some money.
For “why did it take ten calls”, the response is that it is unfortunate, but the court required us to coordinate with opposing counsel and that is how many calls it took. If the motion took a deserved 10 hours, then that is how long it took because the factual/legal arguments were more complicated than appeared at first blush (and hopefully you budgeted for it). Stand your ground on that because this is VERY VERY OFTEN a tactic by clients/insurance carriers to get their bills reduced. If your relationship is worth taking a hit on the billed amount, agree to write off a certain amount but never admit that you billed too much time for a task (assuming that there was not an entry error; those should be fessed up to promptly).
Good luck. This is the single most frustrating thing about private practice.
Memory items
I knit and am in a group of crafters (quilters, knitters, crochet people) who make items for area hospitals, primarily NICUs. Items are mainly hats, blankets, and bereavement pouches for very tiny babies who do not survive and for stillborn children.
A PICU has asked for us to also make memory items for larger children who do not survive. I can think of knitting larger blankets and maybe the quilters can manage larger items (it seems like there are some quilts where nurses / parents can add some DIY squares with fabric markers).
I know there are a lot of crafters here. Any ideas? All I can think of is “larger items” and that this is so, so sad.
anon a mouse
A friend who had a stillbirth got something (stuffed animal? pillow?) that weighed the same as her son at birth. You’d have to make them after the fact, of course, but she said it helped when she could feel him in her arms again.
It’s so unbelievably sad to me – thank you for thinking about this.
Anon
Yes, it’s a pretty common thing to honor a child who died, at birth or otherwise. Molly Bears. Lindsay from Pinch of Yum posted about it after she lost her son.
Anonymous
I used to be a PICU nurse. Volunteers made us quilts that we used and re-used all the time, but when a patient was passing away, we would get out an unused, special blanket and use it to wrap or cover the child while the family said goodbye. The family would then get to take the blanket with them. I think blankets are perfect.
K
I just want to say that I think its wonderful that you’re doing this.
Anon
I am getting married in July, and we are eloping abroad. We’re going to end up going to the courthouse in DC the week before for a civil service since we won’t have an officiant when we elope. I’m trying to find a dress to wear to the civil service and am really struggling. I’m looking for a simple white dress that is knee length or midi length. The black halo gretchen dress in white would be ideal, but I haven’t had any luck finding it in white. (And I can’t buy it in another color and bleach it white, right? Thats how much I love it). Does anyone have ideas for where to look or particular dresses that would work? I’m surprised by how few options there are. I am a size 00/0 and am totally open to something second-hand.
Anonymous
Check out Badgely Mischka (like google b-m white dress). They do a lot of shorter dresses in white (and stuff marketed for weddings). I got married in a white knee length sheath of theirs and love it. Not fringey, but this silhouette. Lots of their stuff on rent the runway.
https://www.bergdorfgoodman.com/Badgley-Mischka-Collection-Tiered-Fringe-Cocktail-Flapper-Dress/prod144681535/p.prod?ecid=BGCS__GooglePLA&utm_source=google_shopping&adpos=1o1&scid=scplpsku114429793&sc_intid=sku114429793&gclid=CjwKCAiAyfvhBRBsEiwAe2t_iyb8x5jNuI9MRM_P9lbfFBzxNRUMrfZnqXusAEoh2sSbxr-4cqkq6BoCy3sQAvD_BwE
Katie
I almost went with a Dress The Population c-tail dress for my own tiny wedding. Nordstrom carries a lot from that brand and I thought the quality was very nice.
Anonymous
This is a stupid question probably but how do you elope without an officiant? Is the elopement part the honeymoon and you get married first in DC? Or is it just the two of you saying vows to each other in Europe?
For dress options – what about the nicole Miller Beckett dress in white (available in 0 on a m a zon)
Look at David’s bridal too they sometimes have simple knee length ones
Anon
I was soooo thinking this too lol. It’s not an elopement if it’s just bride and groom saying vows to each other alone.
cbackson
Why not? Lots of people have ceremonial weddings that don’t have legal weight; if you’re doing that, why does it matter if a third party emcees it?
Murried
in Washington, DC yes it is.
rules in different places differ.
In DC you can “marry yourselves” or as the clerk said to us:
“go anywhere legal in DC you feel like, and do whatever you want to feel married. then sign and return the license to us”
Anon
It is if the couple says it is. Not your wedding, not your place to decide what counts as their elopement or not.
Anon
It’s essentially the two of us saying vows to each other on a pretty cliff. That’s what we’re considering to be our “ceremony.”
BB
I did this and it was fantastic! And we absolutely consider this our wedding anniversary, even though it was 4-5 days after the legal paper signing. Congrats and have fun!
Anon
You might have more luck once spring/summer clothes come out. I’ve definitely seen that kind of dress before, at department stores and places like Reiss.
JazzyRose
You won’t be able to bleach it. Have you tried taking the dress to seamstress and having something custom made? I admittedly haven’t tried this myself, but since the dress is $200 originally, I figured you might be able to afford it.
Anonymous
I got married in the ‘Grace’, but there are lots of simple options for an elopement or tiny wedding as we had
https://www.etsy.com/shop/jekyllundkleid/items?section_id=20676239
Annie
Outnet? You can sort by color. I like this one: https://www.theoutnet.com/en-us/shop/product/mini-dress_cod10375442619404241.html#dept=AM_Dresses_CLOTHING
Falstaff
Congratulations! I got married at the DC Courthouse in a knee-length white dress that I found at Nordstrom in Tyson’s Corner with the assistance of a personal shopper. The dress and the wedding were both lovely.
Anon
I’d try looking at knee-length bridesmaid dresses. Hit a few of your local bridal stores and see. Or try usual suspects like Asos, Nordstrom. Might be a good time to work with a personal shopper.
anon a mouse
That’s a beautiful dress (don’t bleach it!).
Have you considered the Black Halo Jackie O? Similar neckline but has a belt.
What’s in a name
my MIL absolutely lost it over the holidays and we have another big joint family thing coming up in a few weeks for the baptism of my son. Is she nuts or am I out of line?
I have a big family and grew up with 15 cousins all in the same small CT town. Both sets of grandparents are here, parents and all their siblings returned to the town they grew up in, and my generation is pretty much following. We always called my maternal grandmother Grammy. My oldest child is 2 and this Christmas was the first time he was really verbal and was calling my grandma Grammy and was ALSO calling my MIL Grammy. MIL decided this was going to be her “name” knowing it’s what we call my grandma. I didn’t think it was a big deal – they’re rarely together and Grammy seems like a pretty universal name for a grandmother.
But then at Christmas MIL said that son should be calling my Grammy something else, it’s her name and it’s confusing and my Grammy is the great grandma not the Grammy. Which is already weird, but is compounded by the fact that there are like 20 people in my generation who have been calling my grandmother Grammy for 30 years and we’re not changing that now.
Am I ok telling her to either get over it or pick a different name? Literally did not realize it was possible to manufacture drama out of this.
Anon
Tell her to get over it. I called both grandmothers Grammy. If I had to distinguish which one I was talking about, it was Grammy D and Grammy J (the D and the J were the first initial of their last names). It was not confusing.
Equestrian Attorney
I don’t think you can tell her to pick a different name, but she also cannot ask your Grammy to change names, that’s absurd. Calmly but firmly explain that Grammy has always been Grammy and will remain Grammy, and if she’s worried about confusion, your kids can start calling her Grammy A.
Vicky Austin
+1. Or you could slowly guide your son to using “Grammy Sue” and “Grammy Jane.” I referred to my grandmothers this way (of course, this was before grandparents-to-be picked their own cute nicknames, which is not totally new but I feel like it definitely has become A Thing). My mom’s grandma was still alive when I was very small, and mom had always called her “Nana,” so I wound up calling her “Grandma Nana,” which in retrospect is kind of funny.
Anonymous
We have a Grandma Nana, too!
I would not indulge her one bit on this though.
Anonymous
She needs to get over it. In my family, every female grandparent is called Nana. There are a couple of grandmothers in there and a great grandmother. My mother and her sister are both Nana by actual grandchildren and their cousins. “My nana” makes it more specific (the other person is “Your Nana” when confusing b/w cousins). OMG she need to stop.
Anonymous
She’s crazy. I had a Nanny X and Nanny Y. Nanny Y actually preferred Nana so we switched to that and she was alive when my kids were born and they called her Nana too. My DH is German and both grandmothers were Oma. Numerous friends use ‘Grandma’ for both grand mothers.
Try “We don’t have an issue with child using Grammy for both. Grammy X has been Grammy X since long before child was born. If you’d prefer to chose a different name, we’re fine with that.”
You’re being generous by not insisting on another name.
anon
You already know this, but your MIL is incredibly petty. Jeez, Grammy is not a unique moniker.
Anonymous
What does your spouse say about this? This is really their battle to fight. If spouse is all, well why can’t you just call your Grammy something else, then that’s a spouse problem not a MIL problem.
Anonymous
+1000000000
I agree with all the responses, but this woman is batshit and your husband needs to deal with her. don’t allow this to be your issue, cause it aint. It’s crazy MIL’s.
Anonymous
Agree with everyone else that this is a her issue, not a you issue. But also that it should be spouse that has the conversation.
Anon
Tell her that your son calls your grandmother “Mommy’s (or whatever he calls you) Grammy.” If he says, “Grammy” in front of MIL in reference to the other Grammy, you can say, “Oh, he meant to say “My Grammy.”
Can you even believe the ridiculousness? I promise you it exists in every family. Exhausting!
Anonymous
As an aside, my mother, whose name is Samantha and has insisted her entire live that she be callled such, declared not only would she be called Grammy, but “Grammy Sammy.” WTF. My kids (6,3) are the only grandkids but they clearly inherited my obnoxious gene: they know it gets her goat so they cherubically call her “Grandma” or even better “Grandmother/ Grandmother Samantha” and she goes into a bit of a tizzy. They say sweetly, “but it’s your name! And you are my grandmother!” It’s times like these I could not live them more ;).
CountC
Agree with others. She is being ridiculous. I had a Purple Grandma and a Pink Grandma. She can be Grammy A as already mentioned.
Vicky Austin
Aw, Purple Grandma and Pink Grandma is cute.
CountC
Purple Grandma’s favorite color was purple, as you might have suspected. PG was overseas all of my life and I saw her once when I was really young. I suppose she was wearing pink that day!
HSAL
That’s nonsense. I haaaaate grandparents trying to pick/claim a cutesy name, so I wouldn’t even give her the option of picking another name. She can be Grammy or Grandma. We use Grandma and Grandpa for both sets. If the kids come up with something else naturally, they can go to town on it.
I also had a Grammy who died a few years ago. My aunt’s grandchildren now call HER Grammy and it makes me smile.
Anonymous
I am of the opposite mind: let the grandparents pick their own names within reason (and of course without dictating what anyone else is called), but never let the kids come up with the names. This is because I have a set of nieces and nephews who named their grandparents “Gee-Paw,” “Gee-Maw,” and “Mee-maw-maw.”
Anon for Now
Eh, my kids named their grandparents Ga Ga and Bampa (one set is “City Name” Bampa and the other is “Airplane” Bampa). All four grandparents love it.
rosie
I don’t think it’s any of her business what your kid calls your grandma. I would not bring it up, and shut down discussion if she brings it up (make sure your spouse is on board & will take over shutting down the discussion as needed).
Anon
Your MIL 100% needs to get over herself.
The Skirt
Is anyone still wearing The Skirt? [The paneled pencil skirt from Nordstrom that was raved about here for years.] I have two and used to wear at least weekly. Now, I think it has been about a year since either left my closet.
Anon
Same issue here. It feels dated to me. It held up ok, but there’s some pilling and it just looks tired now for some reason. Maybe the silhouette? I used to wear it religiously with a Tippi sweater/button-up and statement necklace (hello 2013).
Anon
I think skirts in general have gone out of style. Pants or dresses are more popular.
Bette
Uh, no. Skirts do not go out of style.
Anonymous
I think Anon is actually right here. I have way more work dresses right now than at any point in my working past (nearly 20 years of office work) and pants are having a bit of a moment in that there are more styles than there used to be that are office appropriate in most situations (traditional trousers, ankle pants of all variety, flares are coming back, etc.). I still have and wear skirts – particularly skirt suits for court – but I reach for them much less than I did 5 years ago when I wore a skirt every day.
Anon
Wow, thanks for being our one true arbiter of what’s dated or not!
Anon
Hahaha, no, absolutely not.
NOLA
I can now fit into my gazillion ponte pencil skirts, but I’m not wearing them at all.
Anonymous
I still wear my navy one occasionally. I haven’t worn the other colors in a while.
Anonymous
I am today, so I suppose I am outdated.
tesyaa
I still like wearing mine. If anyone feels theirs are dated and they’re size 6P, send them to me and I will pay shipping ; )
Anon
I don’t have The Skirt but I will always wear skirts over pants, because I’m a dress girl, and skirts over dresses because I’m tall and dresses are never long enough.
Anonymous
Try making it more edgy, with a slouchy sweater and booties.
Cover Letters
When applying to jobs that require “cover letter, resume, writing sample” (attorney positions), does anyone else forego the cover letter and just draft an email saying something along the lines of “Dear XX, attached please find my resume and writing sample. I can be reached at XX. Sincerely, Jane Doe”? I am consistently working 70 hours+/week, I don’t have time (or want) to draft a cover letter. Also, hiring seems to be gangbusters in my city so, if they exclude me for this reason, okay?
Annie
No you cannot do this.
anon
No you cannot do this.
NOLA
I don’t consider that a cover letter, so I would probably write you back, if you were otherwise qualified, and ask you to provide an actual cover letter, before I could consider you for the job. Most places wouldn’t even go that far. We’re asking you, in a cover letter, to describe how your qualifications fit what we’re looking for, in more detail that we could elucidate from your resume.
Anonymous
If you submitted a resume without a cover letter, I would not interview you unless someone in my professional network reached out to me with a glowing recommendation. Even then, the lack of a cover letter would be an enormous hurdle for you to overcome in the interview, and you would not be likely to get a job offer. I can’t hire someone who is too lazy or self-important to write a cover letter.
Anonymous
Sure you CAN do it. But why bother applying to the job if you’re not going to follow their criteria? I’d at least put together a sort of generic cover letter that’s tailored to the type of job you’re looking for – i.e., one for firms, one for gov’t, one for in house.
pugsnbourbon
+1. This is what I do. I highlight different accomplishments depending on the field/job type.
Equestrian Attorney
When I changed jobs (and was similarly busy in big law) I drafted a generic template cover letter (“I have been working in XYZ department for X years and am qualified as an attorney b/c reasons/am looking for further experience in Blablabla”) and would then spend five minutes throwing in something vaguely personalized about each company at the end. My cover letter was well drafted and typo-free, and it only took me a Sunday afternoon and then 5-10 minutes for each job. This strategy seems to have worked well enough – I got a lot of interviews.
I agree that cover letters are kind of silly in general, but if they ask for it, you are better off providing something, even if it’s not the Best Letter in the World.
Anon
Nope. If they ask for a cover letter, you need to send a cover letter.
Anon
You have to do it. Sucks but just do it.
Signed–someone who’s least favorite tasks in the world are writing cover letters and moving.
Ariadne
I have a small handfull (4-6) skirts, and tops that are very unique and ‘artsy’ that I have worn on and off for over ten years— think unique pale grey skirt with shimmery fabric mixed with mat fabric in a geometric pattern, or a large abstract dot skirt, etc… I don’t wear these items as often as when I first purchased them, but I do reach for them maybe three or four times a year.
I’m wondering if colleagues recognize these items as I’ve worked at the same place for over ten years. I’m probably overthinking this, but I still like the items, and I do,think more arty and eclectic items that were never really on trend to begin with have longevity. I wonder if it reads not current, or stuck in a time warp.
IHHtown
Real life is not a TV show – people understand the concept of a limited wardrobe and repeat outfits so I’m not really sure why you’re concerned your colleagues will recognize a particular garment.
Will they notice your funky sequined skirt? Yes.
Will they notice a normal skirt in a funky pattern? Maybe but probably not.
Will they think or even notice if you’re off trend for wearing a skirt longer than a few years? Again, probably not – ime single small pieces like skirts don’t look “time warp” dated unless they were super trendy in an unusual way to begin with and its been many many years, like early 2000s many years.
Will they care about what you’re wearing if it’s work appropriate? Not at all.
Ariadne
Thank you for this reality check! I do get attached to items, and when I purchase new items, I always gravitate towards more unique details, though generally I like classic shapes with those said unique details. I buy new items frequently, but like to try out how unique pieces can change when paired with new things.
Two colleagues are total ‘outfit trackers’ and I can see them doing the mental math on some items:)
Anonymous
Yes, I am the coworker who notices. I remember. So what? I’m usually remembering because I like certain items, or because they are so tied to a certain person in my mind: Oh, there’s Suzy’s ____ again.
Don’t let the fact that I notice keep you from wearing what you want. And don’t let the thought that I notice make you think I’m judging. I’m not. I’m just noticing. And if I’m judging . . . isn’t that my problem, and not yours?
Ariadne
I like that you notice too:)I’m just wondering if there is a fine line between being out of touch vs creative. I notice what others wear too, and I’m not judging…I think, wow, josie’s Wearing her fox pendant necklace again, which I like. I have a very visual memory too…and a photographic memory of how everything is arranged in my drawers, closet, and shelves, as well as almost any closet I see …maybe that plays a role in how I removed others’ outfits as well as my own.
Anon
Hahaha no, nobody is paying that close attention to you, I promise.
Anonymous
+1. One coworker notices every detail. The rest aren’t wired like that.
Duckles
I’ve been interviewing with Company A since September and they finally made me an offer last week, which I accepted this morning. In October I had applied to Dream Job and heard nothing for about six weeks until I had a phone interview the first week of December. I pinged them in early January and they said they were still searching.
OF COURSE, less than an hour after I sent my signed offer letter in for Company A I get an interview request from Dream Job. Why does this always happen.
anon
I can relate! Will you take the interview? I just verbally accepted a job offer from Company A that I applied to in the summer after months long interview process and the next day got an interview request with Company B for a position that pays 30% more.
Duckles
I’m not, both because I’m ready to leave my current job and don’t want to turn down a good offer for a chance at another, and because I mentally convinced myself that Company A IS what I want to do now when I hadn’t heard from Dream Job. But still. All I can say is I’m trying to make the best decision I can and hope I’m glad I did in a year ??
If you think you’ll have an offer from the second company before you have to decide on the first that changes things for sure.
Secretary Wedding Gift
I hope I’m not too late for the morning thread; if so I will re-post in the afternoon. My secretary is getting married this weekend. Our firm is having a small shower for her tomorrow. I was already planning on getting her something, but am having trouble thinking of what to get. She is older and has been married before, so probably does not need any typical “start up a household” type of gift. She is having a small wedding family only and has no registry. For Christmas I did give her a cash equivalent (nice gift card) and a nice bottle of wine. Since I just gave her that I was trying to do something different as the wedding gift. Any ideas? Any help appreciated.
Anonymous
In her shoes I would love a gift card sufficient to cover dinner at a spendy restaurant. But it’s hard to beat what you’ve done already. Maybe swap in champagne for the wine?
Anonymous
Gift card to a lovely restaurant in town for a nice dinner?
Anonymous
cash, champagne, card with personal message, saying you appreciate her and wish her all the happiness in the world.
When is it time to move on?
For those of you who have been married for a “long” time, how do you know it’s really time to get a divorce and move on? Especially when you have children with your spouse?
I married young and the marriage has been a struggle for almost 20 years. DH means well but he has a terrible temper and had some minor instances of physical violence towards me early in the marriage. He got counseling and the worst of the behavior stopped, so I felt obligated to given him another chance.
It’s never been that bad again but DH still has a terrible temper and will yell and swear when he’s upset. He is not self-aware and has no interest in changing except for when I tell him he must change or I’ll leave – this produces some minor improvement but eventually the bad behavior returns.
He is possibly on the autism spectrum because he has very poor social interaction skills generally. He has no friends and doesn’t really like his family or his coworkers. I do believe he genuinely loves and cares about me and our children.
It’s hard for me to know how I feel because I have spent more time with him than without him at this point in my life. I can’t say that the marriage has brought me any joy or support. But if DH is committed to entering therapy and trying to change, do I owe him (and our children) another chance?
anon
If he wanted to change, he would have done so sometime in the last TWENTY YEARS.
You have given him more than enough time.
Anonymous
I’m sorry you’re going through this. No you don’t owe him another chance. You already know what will happen. Things will improve for a while and then he’ll slide back into the same bad habits once he’s comfortable. He has already shown you he’s not interested in making lasting changes. You should not have to threaten to leave someone to get them to stop screaming and cursing with you. They should just… not scream and curse at you. Also please read about emotional abuse. Just because he’s not hitting you (anymore) doesn’t mean he’s not abusive. Sending good thoughts your way.
Anon
If he loved you, he wouldn’t abuse you. He would scream at you. He would be willing to change.
Anonymous
You mention children…I grew up in a home where my father was like this. Some of my earliest memories are of him cursing and his awful temper. I often wish that my mother had left him. Please consider your children in this decision, too.
Mrs. Jones
Short answer: no. 20 years gave him plenty of chances.
Falstaff
The only reason I would ever consider staying with someone who treated me this way is if being married allowed me to protect my children from his temper/violence.
Cover Letters
Regardless of what you choose, *hugs* from an internet stranger.
When is it time to move on?
Thanks :) FWIW I too hate cover letters.
When is it time to move on?
Thanks, hive. It’s a hard choice and I question my own judgement.
Anon
You owe him nothing. He owes you nothing. You should be able to joyously say you choose this person every day of your relationship. You should be able to say that even on the bad days. You don’t feel that way. You’re done.
Now the question is, do you owe your children an intact marriage to their father? Ask yourself if you owe your children the example of a woman being screamed at and cursed at by a man she doesn’t love and staying around for more. Is this the example you think is a good model for your kids?
I don’t think so.
When is it time to move on?
Thanks for this perspective. My top reason for leaving, despite how difficult it is, is that I don’t want to give my children this awful example.
Parfait
Check out the book “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay.” It provides a helpful framework for thinking through this problem.
When is it time to move on?
Thanks :)
Anonymous
Yes this book is excellent for this
Anonymous
The book, Should I Stay or Should I Go, is excellent too. A lot of good points and thoughtful questions to ask yourself and help you work through a decision and move forward. My therapist also suggested imaging what I wanted for myself- my ideal life- in 2 years, 5 years..and asked me to consider if I could achieve those goals with my spouse. But the book is really good.
Senior Attorney
Oh my gosh. I’m very late to this thread but I have been where you are and in addition to all the wisdom you’ve gotten already, I’m here to tell you that life on the other side is SO MUCH BETTER. It’s just amazing to live without what my therapist called “the terrorist in the house.”
When is it time to move on?
That’s so good to hear. It’s hard to imagine life being so different and I don’t know what to expect.
Anonymous
My husband is EXACTLY the same way including the temper, no friends, odd social interactions etc. I have been with him 19 years and likely won’t leave until my kids are out of the house in a few years….I can’t really explain my rationale