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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Just This Sway A-Line Skirt

The Personal Shopper (TPS) | ·

A woman wearing a cream colored top, navy skirt, and brown boots (upper half of body cropped out)

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

ModCloth is known for its quirkier options, but I’ve had great luck finding basics there at a good price and in a wide range of sizes. This A-line skirt is a great option if you’re looking for an alternative to the pencil and midi-length skirts that I’m seeing at most stores now.

I would wear this with a slim-fitting top to balance out the slightly more voluminous bottom.

The skirt is $59 at ModCloth and comes in sizes XXS–4X. It also comes in scarlet, black, and bubblegum pink.

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Anonymous

    If you have a terminal degree in your field, have you gone back to school/training for any other skills? If yes, what? I have a J.D. but am considering a fairly intense 16- to 20- week community college program in a technical field. I think it will enhance my legal advising to better understand how that technical field works. I’d leave with a certification that would get most people an entry level job in that field (but I’m not interested in switching careers). I find the field interesting, think it would help me appreciate the field, but it is a fairly significant financial and time investment. There is some in person time but I could schedule accordingly.

    • Anon

      If you want to do it, do it. It doesn’t matter what others think. Education is worthwhile for its own sake.

      • Anonymous

        I don’t know. Are you getting a grade? Can you take it pass fail? Are you going to need to report this course on your transcript the rest of your life if you apply for another job / judicial role? How predictable is your workload? I’m not suggesting you won’t do well, but I have a hard time fitting a workout and three meals in when my schedule gets wild. Your colleagues in law will probably not understand you doing this. I’d watch some YouTube videos before I committed. (Based on your description, I’m thinking this is welding, coding or web development, CDL course, electrician basics, vehicle repair training, etc.) Yeah I might understand the fields better by doing, but would my clients really care? No, because they already hired me. Do it for yourself if you want to do it, but expect it may be stressful and don’t expect a huge boost in business.

        • Anon

          This – I’d look into seeing what types of courses you could take for free/low cost (Coursera/low community college) before spending a significant amount of time/money on something that has neglibile ROI. Of course there is value in learning for the sake of it, but the cost of college courses is just bonkers to me.

          • Anon

            We hear every day about the people on this board with a ton of disposable income spending it on every manner of crap – fancy purses, flights, SUVs, beauty treatments, etc. I’d say classes/education is as worthwhile or more than most other things you might spend the same amount of money on and are considered normal parts of a professional’s expenses.

          • Anon

            We don’t know if the poster has tons of disposable income to spend on fancy purses, flights, SUVs, etc.

      • Anon

        But if it doesn’t matter what others think, why not just hit the library? What’s the advantage of the degree or the credential?

        • Anon

          For me, accountability. If I’m paying for it, I’m more likely to put the work in to do well & learn the material, not skip when I don’t feel like it.

      • Anon

        Strongly disagree that education is worthwhile for its own sake. Of course it’s always good to keep learning but spending a significant amount of money on a course that will qualify you for an entry level position doesn’t sound great. Formal education is an investment!

    • Anonymous

      I would look into Google’s IT Support Professional program. It’s web based so you can do it at home, and get college credit for some of it. Also, it’s not to expensive. If youre a JD, it would be difficult, at least for me, to spend 16-20 weeks away at some community college.

    • Anon

      I have a desk job. I took a completely unrelated course that some people need professionally (leave no trace certification) and it was so energizing and really fun to be back in the class again (especially since the stakes were low for me). I am actually thinking about taking some more classes like this.

    • pugsnbourbon

      Hmm – I was right there with you until I got to the financial investment. Would the amount of money you spend really make your legal advice that much better? Or position you for a better role?
      I’m taking classes right now, but they are free (I work at a college). Does your employer have any kind of tuition assistance?

    • Anon

      I audited a class at my local state U in a master’s program and found that just going and listening and talking to the other students helpful. It is related to the field I’m a lawyer for but I don’t have the technical background that my clients have. I bought the books but did not read them. I also missed a few classes due to work and it was NBD. I think that it was a win all around. Auditing maybe?

      • Anon

        Also, auditing is crazy cheap if not free. Also, at a State U, if you are a part-time non-degree-seeking student, tuition is often not crazy.

        • Coach Laura

          Agree, audit is the way to go. Make yourself accountable, not for the grade.

    • Anon

      Do it if you have the time and are genuinely interested but this ain’t gonna help your legal career one bit.

      • Anon

        Honestly, I feel like this is where lawyers stumble, in that they understand the law but not so much the business. I think it might be how you are the go-to lawyer among other lawyers in the field in that you maybe get the clients better (or get to be a lawyer to goes in-house as a cost center but then transfers to a profit center job as a promotion). And it may really expand your network. The good thing is that if you hate it or it is too much, you can opt out.

      • Anon

        IDK — I think it could be helpful. Like if I work in commercial real estate (legal), it might be good to spend time learning more about the hotel business or self-storage or malls or construction or zoning or land use from the non-legal side.

        • BeenThatGuy

          I agree. I work in IT in CRE. I’d be lost if I didn’t understand the actual business of commercial real estate. In order to support our users, I need to understand the Earnings Model, Contracts, Bids, Accounting, Leasing, Tenants, Floor Plans, etc.

    • Anonymous

      I did extension courses in a given technology from my college and it helped me with my legal career, but only because I was handling disputes about the technology.

    • Cornellian

      As a lawyer (who already has an irrelevant to my job master’s degree) I’m currently getting a two-year certification in investments. Investment folks are impressed, parts of it are substantively related to my current job, and parts of it might be related to future jobs I have. I think if you’ve only ever been at a firm, it’s an especially good idea, and I’d probably take advise from folks who have spent their lifetimes at firms with a grain of salt. Now that I’m in house I’m amazed at how little external counsel know about the substance of our business, and I don’t want to be that clueless myself.

      That said, it’s a big time commitment but only a ~4K financial one and I’m getting most of it paid for, so investing huge amounts of money might give me pause. I’m not sure how significant the investment is for you. It would be more work, but you could try auditing it first (if possible) and then take it next semester or something, so you have a realistic idea of your chances of a good grade (on your transcript forever if you change states or jobs) and whether it’s worth the money.

    • Anonymous

      As a non-lawyer in a technical field who frequently works with lawyers (think cybersecurity and privacy), I would love love love to work with someone better understanding of the technology part of it.

      Also, I echo the other poster who mentioned that taking college courses, even if they’re unrelated to your job, can be incredibly energizing. I was considering a career change a few years ago and took coursework related to that. I ended up staying in my current field, but I don’t regret for a second the time that I spent in the classroom on what turned out to be a dead end.

    • Senior Attorney

      When I was working in family law I did half of a master’s program in marriage and family therapy. I dropped out because I was doing it mostly for fun and personnel changes in the program made it significantly less fun, but it was a great experience. I did that for almost two years while working full time, so I feel like 4-5 months would be a (relative) breeze.

      • Anon

        I feel like in family law, you are basically also counseling, so it makes sense, especially when so many problems are not strictly legal and OMG boundaries and emotional management are important. After being in family law, I was relieved to go into a numbers-based field and it is stressful but I bring my work home with me much less emotionally than I did before.

        • Senior Attorney

          Yeah, I was happy to leave family law behind. My husband has been doing it for 40-plus years and he has exceptionally great boundaries. I honestly don’t know how he does it!

    • anonymouse

      I am doing this right now, but in the service of a career change. I have a humanities PhD and am doing pre-reqs for nursing school, specifically an accelerated bachelors of science of nursing. It is a complete and total break from my current field, so is not meant to enhance what I’m currently doing. My pre-reqs, one or two courses at a time in the evenings after my full-time job, have been a year in the making and will take two more semesters. I have the time and money to do it now. For the first class (general chemistry): it was a testing ground of if I was interested enough and wanted to really pursue this. I’ll be 40 when I finish the ABSN and I’m just thankful I’ve already started this process and didn’t put it off any longer.
      It is enough that you’re interested in this course to make it valuable to try and learn new things. If it makes you a better lawyer, that’s just a bonus. If you have the time and money to do it, why the h*ll not?

    • Peachy

      Lawyer w/ electrical engineering undergrad here. I would be careful to make sure that the program is actually covering material that is going to be relevant for you. You might be spending a lot of time on learning minutiae that won’t have much of a payback when you really just need a broader, big picture explanation of how things work. Asking someone who already is in that legal field who has the skills you want to acquire what you should study would probably be time well spent. My worry is that you won’t get bang for your buck in terms of time & money spent.

      The following comments assume that you are looking to get into software licensing. If they are irrelevant, then please ignore them! I’m not convinced that getting some IT training at a community college would really set you up well for handling software licenses as an attorney. Knowing how to program and knowing what matters in a software license are pretty different things. You really need a higher level of abstraction of understanding how the system / software field works for software licensing, and programming is just too specific and tedious. Plus, IT certification programs may be more geared toward specific software, like Microsoft Windows, etc.

      An in-depth PLI course on software licensing combined with a few coursera courses is probably a better strategy. Looking up definitions on Wikipedia when you don’t understand something is not bad, either!

    • Anonymous

      I have a terminal degree (master’s in journalism). I now work in digital marketing and I’m often getting new certifications. But they have meaning to my field (SEO, Google advertising, etc.) and aren’t tied to college work but the certifying body. I like the idea of learning for learning’s sake. If you can find the time and money to have this as a hobby, the only negative I can see is possibly having to report to future jobs on GPA (which if you end up not having enough time is a very real concern).

      One anecdote on the positive side: I have a former colleague who was an editor at an association for “X” professionals. I thought she was nuts for going through the certifications the association offered (she figured it would help make her a better editor the more familiar she was with the content). She devoted a lot of time–gained something like three or four certifications. She then was hired as a consultant in “X” as a result for a ton more money. She spent a little time doing that and is now back at the association in a custom-tailored job (again with a salary bump) where she creates thought leadership (so not totally out of the writing/editing realm) but also organizes and hosts discussion groups with X professionals, interviews cool and interesting leaders in the field for the association’s podcast (has won awards) and advises on education programming. Members view her as a peer. None of that would have been possible if she had just said “I’m an editor and only an editor.” Sometimes you can’t say step A will take me to step B with certainty, you just need to take step A and see what opportunities may come.

    • Anon

      First. CC programs are usually affordable so I assume the cost isn’t huge: I do recommend looking at the courses and making sure the wile program makes sense. You could probably pick and choose if you wanted.
      Second, my husband is a lawyer and is taking some masters level accounting classes (at a reasonable price) because it really helps him do his job better. He loves it and it really has helped him at work.

  2. anon

    I know there are quite a few engineers/tech-savvy folks on here. There was an article recently on how someone created an API using publicly available data to automatically track Elon Musk’s plane. As a non-engineer, something like that blows my mind and sounds like it belongs in a sci-fi movie.

    How would the engineers/data scientists on this board recommend learning more about how to create a software program to data mine publicly available info?

    Signed,
    — English major but willing to put in the hours to learn more about this!

    • Anon

      I feel like there are people on Twitter that do nothing but this. Like but for oligarch yachts. FlightRadar24 is fascinating.

    • Cb

      I took a class on Python for social scientists and people were doing really cool stuff like this. Lots of social media stuff – so gathering tweets but also using bots to retweet certain things (like tweeting pay disparities in businesses tweeting about IWD, capturing deleted tweets from politicians etc).

    • Anonymous

      welcome to what many many tech companies do. The complexity will vary based on what you are trying to analyze. Do you have something specific in mind?

      • anon

        OP here, more interested in learning the first principles and the building blocks of how to do something like this. No specific project in mind to analyze — down the line, I could see myself being interested in using something like this to track the cheapest houseware deals to keyword searching caselaw/govt enforcement actions/etc.

        • anonshmanon

          To get a feeling for programming, the free courses on codecademy are good and well designed. To get a bit more background, some history and a lot of the jargon (RAMs, CPUs, machine learning), I like Crash Course Computer Science on YouTube.

    • Anon

      Honestly, you just figure out what such a thing is called in a more general sense (flight tracker, every lot bot, etc) and google that. There are tutorials that’ll step you through it for whatever you want to build. The actual unique info you’d need to supply is small (a tail number or a link to a city’s GIS mapping, for instance).

      • Curious

        Truth. So much of programming, especially for small scale things like this, is just googling :). And even for distributed systems, where it’s very good to have a degree and understand memory management and so on, a lot of the details of execution and debugging are… Google or Stack Overflow.

    • Curious

      What city are you in? The Open Data community in Chicago really helped me start understanding how to do things like this. They are likely doing it in Python. Python is so much fun. O’Reilly has a series of books with animals on the cover that can teach you to use it. They’re great books. Or any web scraping with Python class, probably. You’ll need to set up a Python development environment (a lot of people like Anaconda I think?) and then you just play. Python is a higher level programming language, so the syntax is a lot like English. If you can handle logic, you’ll be amazed by how powerful you can get quickly. I had some basic programming classes (TrueBasic and a comp sci 101) and a summer of crying over teaching myself VBA under my belt before I taught myself Python, so the learning curve was less steep, but my experience is that most people find it fairly friendly to learn. This was a bit of a stream of consciousness — hope it helps!

    • Anon in IT

      DataCamp is good and has optional cohorts for accountability, which is where I think most of these courses fall down.

  3. Anonymous

    After reading several posts here the last few weeks, I’ve decided to search for a job. I don’t hate everything about my current role but am convinced the grass is probably greener. I haven’t looked or applied for a job in – years. Seeking an accountability system or buddy. Any tips?

    • Anon

      Sounds simple but start by making sure your LinkedIn is up to date – photo, accurate title and work history, etc. Then start posting more frequently and liking other’s posts. It’s also a great way to research companies you may be interested in – what are they posting about? Mine your network – are there contacts you have at any companies you can reach out to and see if they can point you to openings/put in a word with the hiring teams?

    • pugsnbourbon

      1. Reach out to your network
      2. Set up an alert on a relevant job board(s) so you get postings sent to you
      3. Track your applications
      4. Put together a couple templates for a cover letter that you can use for different types of roles
      5. Give yourself breaks if it gets overwhelming

      Good luck!

  4. Diana Barry

    Me again for my work event! I couldn’t stomach spending the $450 at The Fold so I got some options from Asos and liked the Closet London ribbed pencil dress in plum (will post separately). I also have some dressy-ish platform sandals that will work (regular heels blergggggg).

    Necklace recommendations? TIA!

  5. Anon

    Ugh. It turns out that I don’t have many clothes in between “real suit of wool” and things that you can’t go to a work lunch with a judge in (no joggers, drawstring pants, denim, sneakers even if spendy, rufflepuff dresses, anything with a flounce layer on the bottom, etc.). I think my style is too much Theatrical Magpie and not enough Basic Adult. What are you doing for non-suit adulting events for clothes? [If it were 20 degrees warmer, I could go bare-legged in a knee-length dress, but it feels too stylistically heavy to wear black tights on the first day of spring and I chill easily, so pants are warmer.] I need to go to more things like this but am realizing I just have a wardrobe for zoom vs in-person events where personal presentation matters (or you don’t want to be memorable in a bad way; I’d settle for “unremarkable adult” in the wardrobe department).

    • Cat

      tbh, wearing my 2019 pants with flats or block heels. Current pant trends are, in general, awful on me so I’m just coasting until I find something updated that I actually like.

    • Anonymous

      Ponte knit pants are in between jeans and suiting and can be mixed with your suiting shirts and a random jacket or swacket.

    • EB

      Do you have a nice sweater you can wear with dress pants? That’s an easy move. Today I am wearing black wool pants and a black cashmere sweater. You can add interest with jewelry and hair.

      • Anne-on

        This – the Brooks Brothers sweaters I mention go on sale a few times a year so I snag them then. I’d suggest trying them on for your size – they have an different fit – smaller and shorter (hitting at the hips) so I tend to size up.

    • Anne-on

      It’s super boring, but straight leg washable pants (the Talbots ‘Hampshire’ pants are good on my short-ish 5’4 frame) paired with the Brooks Brothers v-neck merino or silk sweaters. The sweaters are thin enough to layer under a blazer, and look nice with a scarf/necklace if I want to jazz it up. Lately I’m wearing them with loafers but flats work well too. This is also my go to outfit if I need to go straight from a plane to the office.

    • No Face

      I will continue to wear my straight leg pants with loafers, as I did before the pandemic. They are professional and will continue to be professional even as major trends change. My work tops are all pullover blouses, but I might grab some silk tees this year.

    • Anon

      I’m working in the office and have a lot of non-suit adulting events and wear a knee-length dress three to four days a week. Not the cutting edge of fashion but they’re easy, comfy, flattering (for me), and dressy enough especially with a blazer. When it’s warmer but still not warm or I just can’t handle the thought of tights any longer, I’ll wear them with tall boots.

  6. sedentary spouse?

    Any suggestions on how to get your significant other to start exercising (or any physical activity really)? My husband has been completely sedentary during the pandemic — WFH plus reliance on meal delivery means he never has a reason to leave other than weekends when we are out with our toddler, but even that is relatively minimal. I’ve tried subtle suggestions but he gets annoyed and it doesn’t have any impact. I’ve also suggested he come to the gym with me, go on walks or work out with my trainer who I see via zoom and he says that he isn’t going to do anything with me because he doesn’t want to encroach on “my time”.

    He hasn’t gained a ton of weight and my concerns aren’t around appearance but just general health — he’s mid-40s and works a stressful job (which isn’t an excuse because I am in same role and same industry), so I get nervous about heart attack risk etc and that it’s just going to get harder to be active or pick up any form of routine as he gets older. (His parents retired early so they could travel but have had to miss a lot of trips because of physical ailments of my FIL that could have been avoided through healthier habits. I thought that might have been a good nudge but my husband still thinks he’s 30 and so his father’s issues aren’t relevant…)

    • anon

      You can’t do this for him. I think you can state your concerns (not ad-nauseum, but once or twice), but this has to be up to him to fix.

    • anon

      What’s his position on a dog? The joke for years has been that the dog “walks” my dad not the other way around.

      Big picture, this is something he needs to do himself. I’d push back on having him go with you to work out. My husband refuses to run with me because he feels like he is holding me back and doesn’t think I’m happy running at his pace. Same for certain workouts where there is a fitness discrepancy. There is probably some element of macho embarrassment – e.g., we all know how guys will kill themselves at the gym to avoid admitting they need a lighter weight than a girl.

    • Cat

      This would have the complete oppos.te effect of what was intended on me- I would feel embarrassed and ugly and definitely not like spending time exercising with my more-fit spouse.

    • Anon

      Ask him to play tennis with you or something you need a partner for. Or come with you on a hike and maybe get a kelty for the toddler. Basically, he’s not coming to exercise (but he will) but coming to help you.

    • anon8

      Agree with the others that this is something he needs to do on his own. If you cook, you can try to provide healthy meals and make sure there are fruits and veggies around the house. If you have toddler, maybe you can ask him to go on family walks.

      He’s already getting annoyed at some of your suggestions so don’t push any harder. It’s not going to work.

    • Anonymous

      Can he take on getting your kid to do fun P.E.? Then he’ll be up dragging a toy around, etc.

    • Anon

      DH also tents to avoid exercise. I convinced him to sign up for a fun run with me so he has to start walking and running at least a couple days a week to be in shape enough for the run. I also encourage him to join me on evening walks and tell him it is to reduce my stress (he is much more willing to do things for me than for himself) and suggest weekend activities such as a nice hike. He is always willing to do things with me — just not on his own or of his own accord.

    • Bonnie Kate

      Completely agree with the others – don’t make this your job. And work on letting it go and not thinking about it/judging your husband for it. I get your concerns – I really, really do – but for the sake of your marriage, let this go. Whenever I try to do the things you do or have tried to push my DH into dedicated working out, it totally and completely backfires.

      That said – I do have one suggestion – we’re headed into summer, can you get excited about hiking together? DH and I started hiking together a few years ago, and now we love exploring different local trails and go on hiking vacations together. We are just day hikers – no desire to backpack/camp hike at all – but it is an awesome thing that we do together and gets us both active.

    • Anon

      I would totally let go of the concept of “exercise” and leave cardiac risk, etc. to doctors (assuming he’s getting his annuals). I’m guessing the meal delivery meals are pretty nutritious and balanced (but if they’re junk food, I would guess that’s a better place to focus re. health, since it’s hard to be less sedentary when we’re not feeling well to begin with).

      As for lifestyle, if going out with your toddler on weekends is what currently gets him out of the house, is there any opportunity to make changes to make that a weekday thing as well? I would think of this less as “a way to make him less sedentary” and more as “a way to do more of something really rewarding we already enjoy as a family.”

    • Anon

      Agree with all the others who said you can’t change him.

      That being said- was he formally into exercise and is now not making it a priority? I fall into that category. If my husband wanted me to restart it the best thing he could do would be to ask how he could support me, give me time to think about what I need and then actually do those things. (In my case he’d have to take over some of the life and child duties to give me dedicated time for a work out class).

    • Anon

      This is so hard, and I think you’re right to be concerned about longer term impacts (especially that it will be hard to reverse this habit as he ages).

      Could you reframe workouts/walks/active outdoor time as family time and come up with a different way to get “me time”? Let’s say you start getting a weekly manicure as your me tome, then you bring your husband/toddler with you on walks, playing outside and you call it family time?you could also frame it to your husband as wanting ti set a good precedent for your toddler? That as a family you all take 30 mins every day to go for a walk, have a catch, whatever it is you enjoy and it’s just what the family does?

      I know this is the unpopular opinion here, but a spouse already settling into a sedentary/unhealthy lifestyle in his 40s would be a serious concern for me.

      • Senior Attorney

        I don’t think anybody is saying it’s not a serious concern, but the reality is you can’t make your concerns his concerns. It’s the three step analysis:

        1. Price of admission to the relationship
        2. Dealbreaker
        3. Things he’s doing/not doing now, that you really hate and have told him so, but if you just explain often enough, or loudly enough, or passionately enough, he will change.

        Pro tip: There is no Number Three.

        • Anon

          This would possibly be a dealbreaker for me. It’s one thing if it doesn’t affect you, but in reality there are significant ripple effects to a completely sedentary lifestyle:
          – not having the energy/stamina to keep up with a toddler so more child care falling on the other parent’s shoulders.
          – developing health issues that could limit things you want to do – eg, limited mobility impacting ability to travel.
          – having to take care of significant health issues of spouse in older age and becoming his default caretaker.

          And so on…This is really tough, because I also agree with the sentiment that you can’t fix this for him or make him want to become more physically active (and bringing it up may likely backfire, especially given your comment that he already gets annoyed about this topic). I agree with Senior Attorney’s advice below to raise your serious concern explicitly ONCE. Also agree with incorporating movement into family time. Beyond that, if he doesn’t respond, it would be up to you to decide if this is a dealbreaker or the price of admission. You cannot fix this for him, but he should be aware that it impacts the whole family and he has your complete support if he wants to make a change.

          • Anon

            I feel like you’re not considering the chicken and egg here. What if he doesn’t have the energy/stamina to exercise on work days? (It is absolutely not the case that being more active always contributes to more as opposed to less energy!) Why guess at health issues as opposed to seeing a doctor and being evaluated? Why make up health problems that haven’t arisen yet?

            I’m not saying that people shouldn’t pursue healthy lifestyles, but the reality for many of us is that “employment” is at odds with ideal health (really, no one should be sitting all day every day, and we know that exercising before or afterwards is not enough to compensate either).

            I have some osteoporosis in my family history. I should life weights more often than I do. I am trying to imagine though how it would feel if my husband framed this as “I’m not willing to deal with it if you break a hip one day because you only lift weights on the weekend” when I haven’t even had a bad DEXA scan yet.

          • Aunt Jamesina

            What if your partner worked out before, but now doesn’t? It’s easy for it to be a dealbreaker early on, but if this changes after years in… I don’t think it’s usually this black and white.

    • Senior Attorney

      1. People are not improvement projects.
      2. I read somewhere recently that a recurring argument indicates a refusal to face reality. Similarly, if you have been throwing down All The Hints and he is not picking them up, then you are not facing reality. He doesn’t want to do this and you continuing to bug him is just going to make him feel worse.
      3. That said, have you actually had the actual conversation with him? “Husband, you have been completely sedentary since the beginning of the pandemic and it worries me because your dad has XYZ health problems and I want you to be around and able to have fun with me for a long time! I would love it if you would figure out a way to be more active and if you would do it with me, it wouldn’t be an encroachment on my time at all — I would consider it a giant blessing!” If you haven’t said this explicitly out loud, then I think you do it ONCE and see what happens.
      3a. I know I keep saying this, but my husband got me a Fitbit for Christmas and he says he’s created a monster. All I want to do is get All The Steps. If your husband is the compulsive type like me, might that work for him? (Again, you get to suggest it ONCE.)

    • Anonymous

      do you both WFH? DH and I do and we’ve started taking walks together. It’s a really nice way to connect mid-day with a side benefit of exercise. If not, perhaps you could do a walk with the toddler in a stroller after work?

      I also got a fitbit for Christmas and my 3rd grader and I like to one-up each other (she always wins).

    • Anon1

      I would have a very serious conversation with him that you’re concerned about his health and that he needs to make some progress in being less sedentary. You can be clear that you’ll support him (having healthier food in the house, exercising with him if he wants, holding down the fort on childcare while he plays tennis, whatever he needs), you don’t care what he does to move more, etc but that he needs to be better about this for his health.

      It sounds like he’s not too interested in the gym, but what does he do for fun? Maybe he can make a preexisting hobby more active? Or, could he lean into more manual housework/yard work? If you live near a town, could you walk to the restaurant instead of driving?

      I’d also suggest making more of your family time active: take your kid to the pool/park, family walks/hikes, family soccer in the backyard, etc. Just make being active/time outdoors part of what your family does. Growing up we had a family game of horse every night after dinner, had running races in the backyard, did family sit-up competitions, etc.

      If he’s sedentary and doesn’t have other hobbies/interests could he be depressed?

      Honestly this level of sedentary lifestyle, not caring about the long term health impacts, and lack of interest would be a borderline dealbreaker for me, but YMMV.

      • Cat

        you had family SIT UP competitions? Yikes. There’s a long way between “never leaves the house” and that kind of atmosphere.

        • NYCer

          Eh I think this is just different strokes for different folks. It sounds like what Anon1 is describing is just that her family focused on staying active by creating what I am guessing were good natured “competitions”. My family was similarly active growing up, and it was all done in good fun. We had running races and swimming races and random sports contests all the time (with my siblings and neighborhood kids). There was no negative atmosphere and my family was not insane as a later poster suggested. No one was forced into it, and it honestly was fun.

          Here, it does not sound like OP’s husband would be on board for this level of activity, so I don’t think it would work. Seems like an after dinner family walk may be more his speed, which is also 100% fine.

          • Anon1

            Thank you! I thought “insane” and “yikes” were pretty harsh reactions to my childhood…

            My siblings and I competed in pretty much everything -ranging from who could set the table the fastest to number of sit-ups we could do during a commercial break. It’s not like my parents were forcing this on us. We were an active family with high energy / competitive kids. Our parents never had to
            Limit our screen time because we were kids who’d rather play outside all day. I know many of my friends also had these sort of competitions and races with their families. We all played tons of organized and pickup neighborhood sports and all but 1 of us ended up playing a sport in college.

            I was just trying to show the OP examples of how a naturally active family operated; we were always doing something active together as a family.

          • Cat

            To active childhood poster – ok but like, you admit you were a naturally sporty family. Many aren’t… We’d go for casual bike rides some summer nights or maybe play some badminton in the backyard, but other nights we sat at the table and played a card game, or played Mario Kart, or watched TV and read books.

          • Anon1

            Right… and I’m therefore suggesting to the OP that maybe embracing being a sporty family would help her husband be more active. I was trying to show ways to be active as a family. Being active as a family provides a good reason for him to get off the couch (time with his kid), doing these things with a toddler is more active than sitting in the couch but doesn’t require him to become a gym rat, and sets a good example for the kid. I think it’s pretty easy to become a “sporty family” even if it’s not natural – literally takes 30 minutes and no equipment (though certainly is more fun with some equipment).

            There’s plenty of time to shoot hoops/take a walk/play freeze tag as a family and then also have time to read/play cards/watch TV.

            I think overall most people would be healthier if they saw 30 mins of some activity (not necessarily a workout) as just something they did on a regular basis.

      • Anonymous

        Your family sounds insane to me and I wouldn’t tolerate being a part of that.

        • Anon

          1) On the flip side, I’m still proud that I could do a plank longer than my brother even if he could always do more pull-ups than me. Not only did my siblings and I compete over these kinds of activities, but I know my friends and their siblings did too.

          2) Id consider it kind of rude to call someone’s family insane over a benign activity. It’s not like she said the kid who came in last didn’t get dinner or something horrible. It was probably a good natured fun “competition”

          3) I think encouraging kids to be active and have healthy lifestyles is good – for some kids a competition is a good motivator and for other kids it’s not.

      • Senior Attorney

        Haha I’m glad I’m not the only one who had that reaction. It sounds kind of horrifying to me!

      • Anon

        No one here ever competed with their siblings to see who could do more sit-ups or other athletic feat?

        • Anon Short Sibling

          Not one single time, ever. But then my brother (6’3″ and very athletic) would have blown my sister and I out of the water and my 5’10” sister was both 5 inches taller and 8 years older than me (and yes – even as an adult I am five full inches shorter than my sister.

    • Anon

      So I don’t dispute that a “healthy lifestyle” can mitigate certain health risks, but you also may need to realize some things are just going to happen no matter what you do.

  7. Anonymous

    DH and I are in our late 30s, with 3 young kids (4-9). There is a family we have become close with over the years because we have similar-aged kids. They just found out that the husband has a fairly aggressive form of cancer. They are still working through the exact diagnosis and treatment plan (or perhaps have it already but I’m not sure about it), but it certainly isn’t going to be an easy road ahead. He starts treatment next week.
    I’m looking for ways to help them/support them. Here are some additional details that might be relevant:
    – We live one town over, about a 10 minute drive. Our kids do not go to the same schools or play on the same sports teams. It would be super easy for me to help out with driving, just not a natural “oh hey I’ll do carpool both ways going forward.”
    – Their families mostly live out of state, but in the same place [they met in high school]. Husband has a half sibling who lives basically across the street from them. This is a strange relationship as they are not super close, but it’s a very easy and close support system for something like this. Family/neighbors have one, much older, kid that is not useful for babysitting.
    – She’s a mostly SAHM who worked for several years in commercial interior design/architecture (I think she may have a degree but not a license in architecture? Not sure.); she works very part time now. He has a really steady government job. At some point, this might be relevant because
    – He does not have great life insurance (STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND GET LIFE INSRUANCE) because he had a stroke in his early 30s and has basically been uninsurable since then. He does have some, but he doesn’t have the level of insurance I would want in this scenario.
    – My husband and this guy have recently been pretty good friends through a shared hobby (which I’m pretty sure they co-dragged each other into!) My friend told me about the diagnosis when our kids were playing tennis; he did not specifically tell my husband, though it is very clear that it is not a secret or anything.
    – They have not yet told the girls (6, 10)

    Thanks so much for your thoughts. I’ve never been in a situation like this personally so don’t know what to do other than I’m sure there’s something that would be useful.

    • anon

      This is heartbreaking, and I’m sorry that your friends (and you by extension) are going through this. A few random thoughts:
      – Organize a meal train. Or if that’s too much, commit to bringing over a meal every week or so.
      – Offer to babysit the kids on weekends, especially since your kids are close.

    • Curious

      As a cancer patient with a young kid, I am super touched reading this. Thank you for being there for your friend. Our needs have evolved, but I can’t drive right now, so what you mentioned with offering to drive the kids sounds like a godsend. Know he might become immunocompromised from treatment, at which point it would be so nice if you offered to mask up with a well-fitting high grade paper mask (surgical for short exposures, KN or N 95 for longer ones) when driving the kids or visiting. We also have a meal train that has now been running for 4 months. A neighbor manages it for us, but I can also respond to people when I can. It’s a huge help. We have needed food, hands on childcare, and driving the most. Childcare needs are most acute when I need to do imaging / anesthetized procedures, when I’m in the worst days of recovering from chemo, and when I’m in the hospital. Bless you for being their for your friend.

      • Curious

        Oh, and we have been extraordinarily lucky to not pay much out of pocket, but the sheer volume of bills and explanation of benefits is incredible. I have more than 59 EoB already this year. If you are detail-oriented and they trust you this way, becoming a delegate in their MyChart account and/ or insurance and checking bills, helping to manage financial counseling appointments and billing could also be a huge help. It’s been a true miracle to escape the hell of cancer debt.

        • Anonymous

          OP here. This is so right up my alley (my work is in healthcare tech relating to insurance reimbursements) but it seems like a pretty intrusive ask. If I ever hear this becoming a thing I will certainly suggest it.

          • Curious

            Yeah, it’s definitely a fine line. A friend offered to share how she organizes her medical records, and that opened the conversation. She does not have access to our records, but I do ask her about this type of thing. Her partner is in our succession line for financial power of attorney, though, so pretty close friends. They will likely also be asked to create an advanced directive of some sort of they don’t have it already and establish health care power of attorneys. So that might be a role you consider whether you’re open to playing. It’s an intense one. I’m happy to chat more if you’re brainstorming — corporetteburner@gmail.com.

          • Curious

            (obviously don’t offer to be their power of attorney, just something to know they might ask. We chose non family members because we wanted someone who could be a bit more impartial)

    • Anonymous

      Help with the kids. Full stop. I think that’s the best way to support them. Drive them, invite them over on doctor appt days, let them talk to you.

      • Anonymous

        I agree with this. One of our good friends had a serious health event recently, and was unable to do normal childcare duties, couldn’t drive, had a lot of specialist appointments, etc for several months. We extended a blanket “the kids are always welcome, just give us a call” but also specifically invited their kids over frequently because I knew they wouldn’t call as often as they needed. We did pick up a couple days a week, and drove to and from weekend playdates just to give parents some breathing space. Time and energy seemed to be the things in shortest supply. They have plenty of money and smarts to throw at the situation, but it was tough to be there for the kids as much as they needed/wanted to with so much else happening.

    • Anon

      – meal train
      – offer driving, but something specific. not like ‘oh i can drive your kids sometime,’ but i know your kid has to be at this place at this time, so i will drive them
      – depending on covid comfort level, especially since husband is now immunocompromised, host sleepovers, playdates, etc.
      – check on your friend – obviously she is going to have a lot going on, but make sure she takes care of her mental health. depending on your budget, even something silly like getting her a gift certificate for a massage, and taking her kids while she does that

    • The Lone Ranger

      Agree with organizing a meal train and taking up some of the work on that. Find out if the hospital he is being treated at charges for parking and buy them a bulk parking pass. Offer to pick up some of the driving. Offer to take their kids for short bursts of time to give the couple time alone.

        • Coach Laura

          Yes, parking. At our clinic, cancer patients get free parking but for the recent 21-day hospital stay we would have spent over $500 in parking had we not asked and found someone who gave us a pass.

      • Anon

        I cannot believe people have to pay for hospital parking. I’ve done it to visit my new nieces and nephews but only for a few hours for isolated events.

    • Betsy

      Make specific offers. They are probably too overwhelmed to think clearly right now, so asking for help is really hard. If you aren’t sure exactly what would help, come up with a few possible things and let them choose. And just keep it going – in the first couple weeks everyone they know will probably be offering help, and that may actually not be when they need it the most. They will need help through this entire crisis, and a friend who provides consistent help with something throughout is huge. Sending the very best to them.

    • Anonymous

      Meal train. Concrete help with kids (I can come get them at 2pm saturday afternoon and take them to my house until 7pm, send them home fed/have them spend the night, etc.).

      Do not offer medical advice. Do not offer nutrition advice (no matter how benign you think it is). Do not mention life insurance or death to them. Full stop.

      • Anonymous

        OP here. Your last few sentences were not even on my radar. Are these things people do?! That is bonkers crazy and 200% not my business. I only know at a high level what kind of cancer they are dealing with and only because there were appointments involved and I checked in to see how they went. She responded with “not only is it in his X but also has a lot of Y and Z involvement, so things are not looking good.”

        I literally only know about their specific insurance situation because it came up over dinner one night a few years ago. DH was complaining that his BMI made his premiums high even though he is very fit so he had to get a medical appt to override the initial determination. Friend said they maxed out whatever they could get where they don’t do medical histories and then had to go through a bunch of hoops to get insured at all because of the stroke.

        • Anonymous

          Yes, I had cancer in my 30s. Let me give you a sampling of questions/comments I received. These were not from strangers, these were from people who were close friends. Some of these extreme, but some of them are more subtle and exhausting.

          1. Every single person I told, without fail, asked me “what caused it.” And when I said they don’t know, the insisted life style factors must have caused it. Just because you want to reassure yourself that you can’t get cancer because you are “better than me” doesn’t mean you should blame me for getting cancer. Most cancers these days or genetic or environmental.

          2. 2 different people told me that it was critical that I fast for 2 days before chemo, during chemo, and 2 days after. I had to take chemo for five days continuously wearing a pump. So they were suggesting I do not consume any calories for 9 days. When I explained how my chemo was atypical they followed up by sending me multiple YouTube videos about the benefits of fasting and cancer treatment.

          3. Multiple people questioned my eating choices (e.g., “should you be eating that during cancer?”). Sorry, I had mouth sores so bad that I couldn’t eat for 5 days and now that I’m able to eat again I am absolutely starving and do in fact want to eat this hamburger.

          4. Many, many comments about how everyone they know who had cancer did radiation and they think I need to do radiation/ask my doctor about radiation. Radiation is one of the worst things you can do with my cancer, and dramatically decreases your prognosis, so no, not a helpful suggestion.

          5. Lots of opinions on exercise. I was still walking every day and exercising intermittently, and many people told me that was irresponsible and I needed to rest or the cancer would come back. Alternatively, many people thought that wasn’t enough and I should be doing intensive exercise every day.

          6. Tons of comments on my weight. I gained 30 pounds from the steroids I had to take and I got so many comments about how I didn’t lose weight during treatment, how I needed to watch what I was eating because it would be difficult to lose later, etc. Surprise! Some cancers make you gain weight, not lose weight, and it was a really fun reminder of the weight gain.

          • Curious

            With you on the mouth sores and steroids, anonymous. I dropped all my baby weight (a surprise to me) just to gain it back in prednisone lumps! Sorry you got such intrusive comments.

          • Anonymous

            This is the truest statement ever: “Just because you want to reassure yourself that you can’t get cancer because you are “better than me” doesn’t mean you should blame me for getting cancer. Most cancers these days or genetic or environmental.”

      • Anon

        Weird that you’d just assume the OP would mention death, medical/nutrition advice, insurance issues, etc.

        • Curious

          You’d be surprised what people do. I’ve been told both the COVID vaccine and not being vegan caused my cancer and that making quinine would do more than chemo to cure it. This by people I love.

        • Anonymous

          OMG. . SO MUCH ADVICE. I’m the earlier “help the kids” poster. I have a spouse with a devastating and fatal illness. People want so badly to help fix him. It is so common.

          • Anon

            I’m sorry you’re going through this and getting the “fix it advice” instead of support from some quarters. It is so common, it’s true.

        • Anonymous

          Sadly, yes, you’d be surprised. I’ve been told sugar caused my cancer, BC pills, stress, not eating enough kale, eating dairy, drinking coffee… the list could go on and on. And I’ve been sent books about how to look pretty hairless and how to write notes to your children for after you’re gone. I know people mean well, but they have zero tact around cancer patients (and zero idea what someone is going through). I’m not assuming OP would do anything of those things – just putting a note out there.

    • Anonymous

      OP here. Thanks for the suggestions so far. I think I’m going to send them a gift card for meals this week. I’m like, the LAST person that you want making your meals (this is actually my friend’s forte! She’s an excellent hostess and entertainer). There’s a local place that does homemade meal delivery that friends rave about, so I’m going to go with that at first.

      Is this the sort of thing where I should send it ASAP or wait until they are knee deep in treatments when it will be even worse?

      • Curious

        Gift cards are great because they can save them if they’re good this week. No need to hesitate. It’s just also nice if you can come back in 4 months and see if they need it again.

        Apparently I have opinions on this :)

      • Anon

        Send it now, they can use it whenever if it’s a gift card.
        I’d echo the advice for concrete help with the kids that you initiate, like: We can do a play date with Kids, here are two options on dates/times which is best? Okay I’ll pick them up then and bring them home by X time.
        And weeknights can be tough but if you can swing by to take the kids to the playground or bring over dinner and do a picnic together so they can get some rest that would surely be appreciated

    • Anonymous

      If you are a close friend, could you coordinate contributions from others so that the family doesn’t have to interact directly with all the helpers or plan anything? Like a meal train but broader. Brainstorm with the family to determine exactly what help they need and when, from meals to lawnmowing to rides for kids. Then recruit your helpers and assign them tasks and times. You will find that there are plenty of people, some of whom may not even know the couple that well, who are eager to help but don’t want to intrude. If you can tell them just to show up with a lawnmower at 10:00 on Saturday or to drop dinner on the doorstep at 6:00 on Tuesday or to give a kid a ride home from soccer practice when they’re already there to pick up their own kid, people will be glad to oblige.

      • The Lone Ranger

        I think one of the meal train type websites/apps also has a way of adding tasks in addition to meals. I vaguely remember my neighbors having this when the dh died suddenly and the wife was left widowed with 4 kids under 4. It allowed them to put things like “car pool Johnny to Little League” or “mow the lawn” that people could sign up for in addition to providing dinner. If I remember which one it was I’ll come back and post.

        • The Lone Ranger

          Another thing that is helpful, if they have family come in from out of town to stay, drop off a bag of paper good (TP, paper towels, napkins, paper plates, disposable cups, etc), coffee (and filters), and some quick grab and go breakfast items. Someone did that for my mom when my dad passed away, and all of us kids and significant others were descending on her house, yeah, we could have handled it, but it was so nice not to have to.

    • Belle Boyd

      There is a website — and I wish I could remember what it was, but I am drawing a blank right now — to use to organize meal trains. My cousin had cancer and we used it to organize a meal train for her and her family. It helps to ensure that people aren’t swamping the family with meals on one day and nothing the rest of the week. It can be set up with the family’s preferences, any food allergies or dislikes, or any notations — for example, when my cousin was going to be in the hospital for her liver resection and her kids were staying with friends, we noted that so nobody made meals those days.

      Gift cards were also good — not just for restaurants, but for local gas stations because they had to travel to a hospital over an hour away for treatments. Also, things like movie rentals and gift baskets with games for game nights were a hit because when my cousin was undergoing chemo and her immune system was compromised, they stayed in a lot to avoid bringing home germs (this was years before Covid, too.)

      Offer to take the kids, drive, even give a hand in cleaning the house. When their life seems like nothing but endless doctor appointments and treatments, the mundane, everyday life things feel overwhelming. I would go to visit my cousin and do her laundry because she couldn’t navigate the stairs to her basement and her son had a broken leg (to add insult to injury!) Little things are often the biggest helps!

      • Curious

        Yes, changing diapers and making bag salad are two of the simple things that sometimes feel impossible right now. The website is MealTrain.com!

  8. Anonymous

    A few weeks back a recruiter reached out to me on LinkedIn about an in-house role. I’m a senior associate in biglaw and have been (fairly casually) looking to move in-house. I usually ignore cold calls/emails/messages from recruiters, but the role seemed interesting so I responded. We had two calls about the position and what the company is looking for/my credentials, the recruiter reviewed and provided feedback on my resume, and she submitted my resume. Then…crickets. I followed up after hearing nothing after five days, and still…crickets. It’s a been a further week and the recruiter is still MIA. Obviously the company was not interested, which is fine, but it feels wildly unprofessional for the recruiter to ghost me like this. She could at least respond to my email to tell me that the company did not want to move forward? I’ve never worked with a recruiter before. Is this normal?

    • anonshmanon

      I think you can’t expect a company to make decisions in such a short time frame. Five days was way too early to check in.

      • EB

        I think this is right, but that doesn’t excuse the recruiter’s behavior. She could have responded with this information, or anything else relevant, to set better expectations going forward.

    • Cat

      I def would not assume the company isn’t interested. It’s nearing quarter end which means frantic salespeople trying to close deals, etc — while I think it would be nice for the recruiter to reply rather than not, a week and a half is nothing to dismiss as “they rejected me.”

    • anon

      I think your expectations are a little high here. Five days is a very short period of time in corporate hiring, generally. I mean you can pack your bags and go home, but I think you need to reset your expectations.

      • Anon

        This. Companies are generally glacial b/c they are hoping to pick very long-term. Firms where they just churn through people tend to be much quicker.

    • Anon

      I see you’ve never worked with recruiters before!

      Is the recruiter an employee of the company or freelance or with a firm? Is this a retained search or can anyone take a crack at it?

      Here’s how some recruiters operate. They cold call a bunch of people at your level and chat with them. They find someone who’s been looking around and ask where that person has already interviewed so they can “cross that off the list” but in fact what has just happened is that they have a lead on a job opening at the company just named. Now they start recruiting for a position at that company, and they find people who are willing to share a resume that they can send to that company in hopes of a commission.

      From a company perspective (I had to hire 20+ people not too long ago) any posting gets 100s of unsolicited resumes and applications. Recruiters find these things one way or another and flood the market because of course they want that commission. Say David hears about the posting from a friend and applies directly. But some recruiter talked to David three months ago and David sent a resume. The recruiter found out about our job opening and sent over 20 resumes that maybe kind of sort of match the job description, and their stack of resumes got there before David applied on his own. We now have to pay the recruiter a percentage for bringing David to us if we decide to hire David, even though the recruiter didn’t actually find David for us.

      Not saying your recruiter was as bad as this, but many are, so it may not be as special as you think when a recruiter gets you to provide your resume.

      I always ask if it’s a retained search or whether the recruiter is an employee of the hiring company. Even then, it’s a numbers game and the recruiter is expected to bring in a lot of applicants/resumes to show they’re doing their job and are well connected.

      • Anon

        What you described is very unprofessional – a reputable recruiter won’t send your resume anywhere without your explicit OK. Not saying it doesn’t happen, just that it’s a breach of professional practice on their part.

    • Belle Boyd

      I had a recruiter (from a staffing agency) email me about a position I was VERY interested in and ask when she could call me. It took her two weeks to call and she left a message. When I tried to call her back, her voice mailbox was full. I emailed her back to let her know I had tried to return her call but wasn’t able to leave her a message. I have yet to hear back from her. I think it’s ridiculously unprofessional and if she ever has the nerve to contact me again, I’m going to have a hard time not letting her know it.

      Some people just don’t get it.

    • Katrinka

      You haven’t been “ghosted” after 2 weeks, sheesh. Normal people in the real world do not have the SLA that BigLaw associates have (i.e., less than 24 hours). My husband and I are both attorneys with big jobs and have to gently remind each other of this occasionally – no the realtor/property manager/kid’s teacher/Cub Scout Master is not going to get back to us as quickly as we would get back to a client. That’s not a reasonable expectation, and it doesn’t mean they’re in the wrong or slighting us. We come from a world of insane accountability and responsiveness, which is why we get paid $$$.

      The recruiter may, very reasonably, not want to get back to you until she has actual information to convey, i.e. has heard back from the company. Company recruiting departments are getting killed right now because places are hiring like crazy and there’s a labor shortage. Ergo, it’s going to take them awhile to get to you. So just chill. You’ll hear when you hear, or if you don’t, you don’t.

  9. Anonymous

    Posting here vs the mom’s site because I feel like this is a question for Science People not only Mom People.

    My kindergartener wants to do the science fair this year. Normally it’s kids from the older grades that do it, but she’s determined. Any ideas for a science project she can do in under 14 days (so no plant growing) that won’t drive me bonkers to supervise? “Collections” are allowed but that seems like a bit of a cop-out unless we can come up with something really interesting.

    My older ones are doing crash tests and desalinating gummy bears :)

    • Anonymous

      When my first grader did this, he built a catapult from a kit and then used it to throw little toys – he looked at how mass impacts distance.

    • Anon

      The penny-in-a-tulip-vase test could be fun for that age. Put pennies from different time periods in the vases, like the oldest one you can find, the newest one you can find, one from their birth year, and one with no penny. Keep track of which tulips stand up and which ones droop.

    • SSJD

      Set up a hotwheels track and drop different cars on it to see how far they travel beyond the end of the track.

      Cut up apple slices and observe how they look at 15 minutes, 1 hour, 4 hours, 24 hours. Treat some with lemon juice, saltwater, etc.

      Take hot water and put it on the counter, in the fridge, in the oven, and measure how the temperature changes over time.

      Measure how long it takes for ice cubes to freeze using water, juice, saltwater, etc.

    • Anonymous

      Comparing how good people are at identifying gummy bear (or jello or other candy) flavors with and without their eyes open? Presume she can use her family as test subjects. Truthfully, I think she’ll be shocked at how hard it is when you can’t see the color.

      • Anonymous

        I would do jelly beans or lifesavers or starburst. Gummy bear flavors aren’t that distinguishable even when you can see them.

    • Anonymous

      Sprouts or pea shoots can be grown in that time.

      Something to do with pH? Making green blueberry muffins? Measuring the acidity of different fruits or vegetables?

      Making yogurt or cheese?

      Documenting how much beetroot to eat to get pink pee?

    • Anonymous

      I had a neighbor’s kid visit who was doing color blindness in dogs where you hide a treat under the same color cup each time.

    • Anon

      Floating Fruit Boats!

      Do fruits float? Get toothpicks and have her cut out triangle “sails” to attach to fruit. She can cut out / draw pictures of the fruits in a “table” with F or S (float or sink).

      citrus with peel may float, but citrus without will not. Apples should float, but will bananas?

    • Katrinka

      My 1st grader did “which things are magnetic” last year and it worked great! I just bought a big showy magnet from Amazon for $5. Then she gathered 10 things from around the house and made a “hypothesis” of whether those objects would be magnetic or not. Then did her “experiment” seeing what stuck to the magnet or didn’t, then reported her results and conclusion. Easy-peasy!

  10. anon

    Does anyone have any experience in selling off pieces of a collection? In this case it’s not art, it’s NASCAR (unsigned) cars and other collectables. I think individual listing on Ebay is the way to go, but thought I’d ask here before spending the time to research and list the items. I’m trying to help my Aunt get items she truly no longer wants out of the house (I’ve taken to heart the posts about estate cleanout here). She’s not concerned about getting top dollar, but would like to see some money back from this stuff.
    In this case, it’s the beloved collectables of my Uncle, who died some time ago. Aunt is the world’s cleanest and most organized woman, as well as a dedicated keeper of all the things, so the metal cars, Christmas ornaments, tankards and other novelty (is it novelty?) stuff is in great condition and most things have the original boxes.
    I’m in TX so NASCAR is a thing here – I don’t have interest in NASCAR and as such have no information on potential buyers for this market. Again, stuff isn’t signed and that probably makes a difference.

    • Pants

      We just had a similar situation. My Dad has kept every old computer we / the kids have used for the past 40 years. You can imagine his basement. My brother just searched on Facebook and there were MULTIPLE old computer clubs in my Dad’s area. He joined the clubs and posted pix of one of my Dad’s old computers and these adorable quirky grandpas snapped it right up for a decent price. My Dad would have been happy to give it to them and was tickled someone would really enjoy it. And since they were local, no shipping was involved. They buyer picked it up.

      I’m sure there as NASCAR clubs / something similar.

    • Anon 2.0

      FB Marketplace. These kinds of items that were designed as “collectibles” don’t have much value and shipping will be a pain.

    • Cat

      I would try to unload this stuff as “lots” rather than individually – maybe get a sense of the going price by starting an eBay listing? (They do provide suggestions based on similar recent sales.)

    • Anon

      I’m not at all familiar with NASCAR stuff but listing this individually on eBay would be a nightmare. There are people who do that for a living, so if you go that route I would use one of them so you have great photos, keywords, etc.

      For something like this though I would be inclined to consign to an auction house or online site like Everything But The House. While obviously you pay a not small consignment fee, they do the keg work and marketing and try to optimize the selling price because the more it sells for the more they earn.

    • Flats Only

      It might be extra effort, but I wonder if a table at a car show or swap meet would result in a quick clean out. The last large local car show I went to (a fews years ago now) had lots of vendor tables, and there seemed to be several of people re-selling this type of thing. I’m sure it costs a little bit to have the table, and you might not break even, but I bet selling the things in person to appreciative and interested people would be a lot of fun.

  11. Curious

    I have the silliest hangup about planting flowers in our yard. About 6 inches down, the prior owners put down a weed blocking fabric. I keep wanting to dig in some annuals but then thinking maybe I’ll ruin the fabric and then the weeds will run out of control. Does anyone know if my fears are founded and, if so, whether there is a way to get some floral color without inviting morning glory and blackberry doom?

    • Anon

      6 inches of dirt is more than enough for weeds to get established, so I’m surprised you’re not already dealing with them.

      • Anon

        Yup. We got fed up and ripped the fabric out because of this. Once there are a few layers of mulch, you’re back to weeds, plus the problem of everything you plant being weak due to shallow roots because it can’t penetrate the fabric.

        Get rid of that cr4p while you can. Planting through it starts to break it down, and soon you’ll be finding bits scattered around your propety, where they’ll start to clog your lawn mower blade and your weed whacker. That stuff is the devil.

        • anon

          Yup, I freaking hate landscape fabric. It does its job for such a short period of time, and then it’s just a mess. Mulch for weed control. It’s not failproof, but easier to manage than bare dirt.

    • Anonymous

      Put the annuals in and put down mulch around them for weed control. And agree that if the fabric is 6 inches down, it’s not doing anything for weeds anyway. They’ve got shallow roots. I’ve got weeds that grow on top of my weed fabric just on the tiny layer of compost from decomposed pinestraw:-/

    • Curious

      Wow, I had no idea. Yeah, we’re at least 3 layers of mulch in over the fabric. I guess we will tear it out opportunistically and lean in on the mulch.

  12. Anonymous

    I decided a while ago that I need to lean out at work but I just…can’t. My job has become increasingly stressful in that I’m constantly being subjected to evaluations, surprise observations at hearings and monthly file reviews that are “graded” like law school exams. I’ve been at this job for more than a decade and on the one hand I’m well regarded and know I should’t care, but on the other I’m embarrassed at the thought of getting bad “grades.” It’s triggered a lot of bad law school habits and I know it’s not healthy. I want to get out but a job search seems impossible because of how hard I’m working to do well here. I don’t consider myself an overachiever but I just fee really awful with the constant judging and I think I’d feel worse if I didn’t try so hard. Meanwhile, it’s taking a toll on my family life because I have young kids my partner is making sacrifices at a much more lucrative gig that doesn’t make him miserable so that I can prepare like it’s law school all the time. Therapy hasn’t been very successful in letting me relax about it.

    • Anonymous

      Sorry I guess that was just a rant but I’m open to any advice on this. Thanks for reading.

    • Anon

      Mental reframe: you aren’t going to succeed at your current role because you are being set up to fail. Lean out and OWN IT. Spend that time job searching. Have a hard stop if you can. This isn’t law school where there is some expectation that the grading will be fair, reasonable, or objective.

      Your job is now job searching.

    • Anonymous

      A job change sounds like what you need. I know you say you don’t have time to keep up with work and also job search, and I believe you. I was in the same situation and I quit my job without having anything lined up. I then treated a job search like a full time job and landed the second job I applied to. If you have a really strong resume, I personally do not agree with the general wisdom that you absolutely can’t quit with nothing lined up, especially in today’s market. That being said, I was willing to take the risk of not finding something for a while because I really needed out of my job for my mental health.

    • anon

      You need a new job. And I know that’s so much easier said than done, but this job is going to wreck your mental health.

    • Anon

      I recently heard Brene Brown say something along the lines of she was telling her therapist that she needed some coping mechanisms to help her through a rough time because she felt like she was exposed in a briar patch. And her therapist said, “why don’t you get out of the briar patch?” What your company is doing sounds insane and unreasonable. You have to get out of the briar patch; no amount of therapy is going to change that. I know job searching is very time consuming, so maybe as a starter reach out to your network and reputable recruiters in your area. I have used a recruiter and they have a list serve of people they’ve placed previously and are always sending out emails about opportunities, so if you know anyone in your network who has used a recruiter, they can probably refer you. A good recruiter will do the heavy lifting for you. Also, I’m sorry you’re going through this, this sounds like a pretty bad environment, and I wish you the best in getting out.

    • Anon

      This sounds genuinely terrible and I think anyone would be stressed by this. Do you have a new boss or why has this scrutiny ramped up? I think I would start with reminding myself external factors outside of my control are at play here to take some of the internal pressure off.

      Do you see this ebbing at any point soon? If not I would seriously start looking, even though that sounds daunting. This would be unsustainable long term and is clearly affecting you negatively. Do you have any pto you can use, even a couple of days to relax and recharge?

    • TCF

      This sounds awful. Any idea why all this has started? Coming from a law firm background, my layoff radar goes up. Seems like they’re looking for a reason (or “reason”) to cut people.

      In terms of stepping back, I would make a list of all of my ongoing projects and deadlines and then prioritize. The stuff with hard deadlines must get done. But there’s always stuff on my list that I want to do or would do in a perfect world. Those items can wait while you focus on relaxing and/or job hunting.

      Can you game-ify the evaluations to disengage emotionally? E.g., ahead of time, chat with your partner about silly critiques that might come up and then debrief afterward. Or think up a fun reward to treat yourself after making it through the evaluation or other stressful event.

      Finally, today, block out time in your calendar for job hunting activities: review/edit your resume, look at job postings, apply to jobs, prepare for interviews, reach out to your network for informational interviews, etc. Protect that time as you would regular work. Start small if you feel too busy – 30 minutes a couple of times a week.

    • Anon

      I don’t know where you work, but you need to get out. The kind of management you describe is not good for your mental health. It might not bother some people, but it bothers you (and would make me rage). I also don’t know how much you earn, but I work for state government as an attorney, and we have so, so many openings right now. The pay is mediocre, the benefits are great, and the lifestyle is good. Attorneys are treated with respect and given a great deal of autonomy. Consider a change.

      • Anonymous

        Thanks for this-thanks to everyone really. I would absolutely consider state government. I work at a large company that in theory has or had a similar moderate pay/good hours/good environment trade off. The new ceo is a hedge fund guy and I sense he’s moving away from the “spend your whole career here” model to get more work out of people even if they leave pretty quickly. I think the pandemic also made our immediate boss’ jobs kind of unnecessary (they were supposed to be the people in the office while we were in court) except for how they manage and rate us so that’s really all they do all day now. I like my immediate supervisor and I feel she protects me (and I’m doing well grades-wise) but this whole thing is a hamster wheel that I need to step off of.

    • Anon

      Gently, it’s time for you to move on. Your employers aren’t doing this for no reason. They likely want you out and this is the not-so-subtle way of making that happen. Many employers won’t directly say “we feel like you’ve come to the end of the road with us,” they’ll just use tools like surprise evaluations, tests, bad performance reviews, etc. to make their point. It may not have anything to do with you or your skills or how hard you work – you may just have reached a salary threshold where they feel they can get someone newer for less money and this is how they’re going to effect that. You’re on a hamster wheel and you can’t make them stop spinning it; you can only make it stop by stopping it yourself. Lean back and start job-searching and let the chips fall. If they fire you, they fire you; you’ve been in the job for ten years so even if you ended up with a gap in employment it’s not a big deal. Do what you need to do to make your family life work and maintain sanity for yourself. Your job is not going to be there to take care of you if you get sick or have a crisis and need support.

    • Trish

      I had a job that consumed all my time so I quit with nothing to go to. I was prepared to wait tables until I got another law job if necessary. It was not necessary.

  13. Anon

    I think I have a small binge eating problem. Is started during the pandemic when all my usual stress coping mechanisms were no longer available, but it’s continued and I don’t know how to stop. I live alone and it’s always in the evenings—I think, it’s not worth cooking for just one so I’ll just snack… then I eat a bag of chips or a pint of ice cream and graze my way around the kitchen standing up with no real end point until I’m so full it hurts.

    It always starts because life just feels out of control, chaotic, scary, and lonely, and I know I’m doing it because food provides a temporary comfort. But of course in the long run it’s only making everything worse.

    I am extremely active and have remained that way, but it’s getting harder to do my workouts as I’m gaining weight from these binges.

    I don’t know what to do. How do I get help? How do I stop this? I’m so embarrassed, sad, and lonely.

    • Anon

      I refuse to keep my binge foods in the house. It’s much easier to be strong at the grocery store once, than to resist something in the house every day.

      • London (formerly NY) CPA

        +1 to not keeping foods that I’m tempted to binge on in the house. If I have to go out to buy it, I’m much less likely to binge on it due to sheer laziness.
        Also, make sure you’re eating proper meals. You say you think “its not worth cooking for one”, and that sounds like the impetous that starts the binging cycle. You likely aren’t getting a proper dinner with balanced nutrition and especially protein to fill you up. I hate the idea of cooking for one as well because I hate waste or eating the same thing night after night, so I buy meal kits (I’ve used Blue Apron and Hello Fresh in the US, Midful Chef in the UK, recommend all three), which usually come for 2 people and I immediately portion out half into a tupperware for the next night. I also have some healthy frozen meals (but like good portion size ones, not Lean Cuisines which never fill me up) that I keep on hand in case I get home and really can’t be bothered to cook.
        And in addition to those 2 tips, I would think therapy could really help with this. I’ve got other issues I’ve used therapy to deal with, but CBT helps a lot, especially on behaviors and thought patterns that you know are irrational but you feel like you just cant control.

    • Davis

      So many hugs to you! That sounds really hard. I don’t have experience with this group, but if you’re in the US, try calling or texting the Eating Disorders helpline: (800) 931-2237.

    • Anonymous

      Don’t know exactly, but in the same boat. For me, it’s related to my anxiety (which is largely about a situation I’m in that is out of my control and ongoing – it’s a compulsive self-soothing and avoidance behavior. Happens at night when I’m too tired to use CBT tools. I’m upping my anxiety meds to see if it helps.

    • EB

      I’m so sorry, this sounds so hard. I went through a similar thing when I was in law school – I would buy enough food for three at the grocery store and eat so much of it, it hurt. I wish I had more advice for you, but I kind of just grew out of it. I think it might have coincided with a decision to start training for a marathon, but don’t remember entirely. Sounds like you already exercise a lot, but maybe some kind of hobby or distraction that keeps you out of the kitchen would help? And professional help, if you want it. I mostly just wanted to let you know others have been there.

    • Pants

      Don’t be embarrassed. The same exact thing is happening to me. I have also gained weight as a result, and can’t fit in to any of my pants. Also upsetting to me is I admitted my behavior to my new doctor (!) and tried to ask for help with my anxiety and she just ignored me completely. She actually laughed a little… Ouch.

      What helps for me is I do my shopping once a week with a list, and I cut down the junk…I just can’t have it in the house at all. And I meal plan. Meaning…. on the weekend I decide….Monday is a piece of frozen fish, Tues is quesadillas, Wed is Costco delivery with a rotisserie chicken etc…. I’m talking about dinner meals. Breakfasts/lunches are always the same so I am less bing-y then. Since I have the food at hand and need to cook it or it will be wasted. All dinners are super easy and take less then 30 minutes. Ideally, I would also do a workout in the evening, but I think cutting off my foot would be easier so…

      And I do buy smaller containers of bad food. But if I eat it all in one night, that’s it for the week!

      One of these years I’ll get help with my anxiety…… It used to cause me weight loss (I would forget to eat) but now binging is so much nicer!

      Hang in there. You aren’t alone.

    • Anon

      Do talk to your doctor. When this was me, I honestly thought it was 100% psychological and could explain why I thought so, but when I was actually tested, it turned out that my blood sugar was wildly unstable, and this was contributing a lot to the feelings I was having as well as to the binging. And if it is 100% psychological, a doctor should still be able to connect you with support.

    • BeenThatGuy

      Hugs. Long time binge eating/restrictive eating sufferer here. If you are looking for a resource, I’d highly recommend the book “When you eat at the fridge, pull up a chair” by Geneen Roth. She has a bunch of great books on this topic.

    • PolyD

      I’m sorry about the eating issues but I want to say – it is absolutely worth cooking for just one! I’ve eaten dinner alone most of my life and I am worth cooking for! Plus I get to eat what I want :)

      That said, it doesn’t need to be a 3-course meal. Some pasta with frozen broccoli thawed in the microwave and then sautéed in olive oil and garlic and a bit of hot red pepper flakes, then sprinkled with fresh grated Parmesan, that’s a meal. A grilled cheese sandwich with some pickles and fruit, that’s a meal. A quesadilla kind of thing – canned black beans, salsa, cheese, and some avocado in a tortilla, then heated in a pan to melt the cheese and slightly crisp the outside – that’s a meal. In the summer, some mozzarella, tomatoes, and basil, maybe with a piece of good bread – that’s a meal.

      You are worth more than mindlessly eating chips. Just don’t get hung up on a meal must be a main course and salad and sides.

    • Anon

      I have a habit of this too: I go to work, I go to the gym, I go to happy hour and then I come home and am too tired/it’s too late to cook so I eat popcorn/ice cream for dinner.

      My nutritionist has me playing “dinner defense” aka having easy and healthy meals ready to go so I don’t have to think about dinner.

      I’m also an emotional/coping eater but sadly have not found a solution to that

    • Anon

      IMO “cooking” is over-rated. There is nothing wrong with a cold meal; food doesn’t have to be a hot protein and two hot sides to be nutritious. My dinners are often a big salad with a flavored tuna pouch or cold cuts on top, or charcuterie (sliced raw veg, goat cheese, unsalted nuts).

    • Anone

      I will do this if I haven’t eaten much of a real dinner. If you don’t want to or like to cook, I highly recommend the premade meals you can buy at the grocery store. I’ve bought some really good stuff from Costco, like garlic chicken with sauce (just add rice or zoodles), chicken tikka masala, lamb shanks, etc. You just microwave them. Once you’ve eaten a real dinner, then remove yourself from the kitchen. Taking a walk after dinner helps. Good luck.

      • Anon

        I did Green Chef for a while (using a “new subscriber” promotion) and it helped me get me back into the habit of low-effort balanced meals that didn’t leave me hungry before bed. This sounds like the same idea, but even easier.

      • Anonymous

        Yeah, to me this just sounds like being hungry and exhausted. Of course you’re going to eat a bag of chips or a pint of ice cream if your blood sugar is low and you’re facing the prospect of cooking dinner. Having healthy, appealing meals on hand that require little to no work is the answer.

    • Anonymous

      I am/was a compulsive eater, bordering on binge eating disorder, and found a 12 step program – overeaters anonymous – helpful for a period of time. I’m not active in it now, and my eating isn’t perfect, but it was useful to me. A lot of people who participated in the meetings I attended had bulimia or another eating disorder, but there was a wide range. As with any 12 step group, if you try a meeting and don’t like it, try another one – different meetings have different vibes. I’m still basically an atheist – I became willing to believe there COULD maybe be a higher power or something rather than, you know, becoming born again or something.

      Smaller steps are kind of obvious – don’t keep trigger foods in the house (easier if you live alone), don’t let yourself get too hungry, and generally watch out for HALT – hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. And hugs – you are not alone! Eating issues are so tough because you really can’t just quit altogether.

    • NIna

      You should figure out how to have real meals prepared for dinner. At least not starting with chips while you’re hungry after work will help. I ultimately just don’t keep the binge foods in the house. I do keep fruits, and binging on fruits isnt great for my digestive conditioner either, but its better than the chips.
      You also should think of other things that give you the comfort you get from food. I totally get it – getting a coffee and pastry between work and home was a big source of comfort for me but also led to weight gain. Honestly, I replaced it by buying nail polish or lipstick from the drugstore instead. But the more productive thing is you should find another activity – reading a book. puzzles, knitting, etc – that soothe you as well.

    • You are worthy

      I am not sure if this would help, but can you try a self love approach? Give yourself permission to eat chips and ice cream for dinner but serve them in your fancy china bowls, light some candles, play some good music, have a seat at the table, napkin on lap, and savor every bite? Focus on the crunch and salt of each chip, the smooth sweet cold feel of the ice cream. And bring yourself back to those sensations when you feel your mind drifting away. See what happens. Maybe the intentionality will cause you to notice whether these foods are satisfying (or when they stop giving you satisfaction) or whether you want to include other foods in the mix. Just a thought, may be worth a try.

      • Anon

        late posting but sending hugs and kind thoughts.

        you are worth making dinner as someone above wrote.

        you need a new new dr, that one is not right if they can’t handle their ignorance and anxiety to address.

        meal prepping sounds boring to me but an afternoon trying a few recipes then packaging leftovers doesn’t… if that doesn’t appeal try a meal delivery service.

        wishing you well.

  14. Anonymous

    Quick! I need a 15 yr old boy birthday gift-card idea. Into video games but not Gamestop. Not into sports. Thinking $40. Must have an e-card option

  15. Anon

    I’m struggling to handle the mental load of a lot going on; not multitasking per se, but just the fact that things exist that I will have to take care of. Keeping immaculate to-do lists and a detailed shared calendar isn’t helping, I feel like my mental real estate is shrinking and my ability to juggle busy-ness as a concept is going away. It’s like that joke “Things will calm down next week, I’ve been telling myself for 250 weeks.”

    I maintain a healthy lifestyle (Mediterranean DASH diet, good balance of low-impact cardio and weights, no alcohol, plenty of sleep) and my health issues (low thyroid and dysmenorrhea) are fully under control with meds and semi-annual bloodwork. My personal life is not particularly stressful: childfree marriage, in-laws are deceased, parents are elderly but in relatively good health.

    I used to be a real dynamo of “getting isht done” and I miss it. Any ideas for how to get this back?

    • anon

      I don’t know what the answer is, but I’m right there with you. Despite being hella organized, I never feel like I’m fully on top of all the things.

    • anon

      Probably not the answer you are looking for but I have accepted and embraced that some $hit doesn’t get done and that’s perfectly fine. It really is.

    • Anon

      Take a day off and completely disconnect and recharge. Or maybe a 3 day weekend. Then get back into the saddle. I’ve found from personal experience that I feel energized and ready to get back to slashing things from my to-do lists!

  16. Furniture

    DH and I are buying a much larger house than we’ve had before and I need some suggestions for relatively inexpensive furniture and carpets. We want to make this feel like a home for the next 5 years and then plan to do a large renovation, so I want to be somewhat budget conscious since these aren’t “forever” room configurations. We’ve got lots of hand me down sisal and oriental carpets and nice mahogany dining table/buffet etc and I’m looking to mix and match with younger fresher pieces so it doesn’t look like I stole all my grandmothers furniture.

    Is this a job for Wayfair? Society Social? What other companies should I check out?

      • Anonymous

        This is a tangent but do people consider Room & Board budget furniture? It’s definitely the highest end furniture I own!

        As to OP– I have had luck with Wayfair. They have a pretty large range of prices/quality these days. I was wanting somewhere in the mid- to budget range but not terrible quality and I’ve gotten a couple of pieces from there that have held up well.

        • AIMS

          Room & Board is not budget furniture.

          OP – I agree with the suggestion to look for used items, I think you’ll get better pieces for less money this way. If you need a bed frame, IKEA has a nice white metal one (Leirvik). My mom has it in her guest room and it’s very neutral and goes with a variety of styles.

          It would add World Market to your list of retailers. Nice chairs and coffee tables that would mix well with older furniture.

        • Anon

          Sorry, I know people who think it’s normal to spend 5K on a couch so from their perspective, Room and Board is budget furniture. All my stuff was cheaper!

    • SSJD

      Buy used furniture. Depending on where you are, there might be great local stores or use craigs1ist or F@cebook Marketplace.

      • London (formerly NY) CPA

        Also check out local estate sales and auction houses. I’ve gotten some great bargains there. You have to wade through a lot of stuff that may not be your style but sometimes you can get real gems, including more modern pieces.

      • Anonnymouse

        This would be be rec – Fb Marketplace is great for this. Also, Ikea really isn’t bad for this use if you don’t mind assembling!

    • Formerly Lilly

      In my city middle of the road antique malls tend to have a lot of furniture that is not really antique but not new either, and it’s at great prices. I got a pair of large bamboo and glass end tables that are high quality and, at least to me, very attractive, for $159 for the pair. What I’m seeing is Henredon and comparable quality furniture from the 80’s and 90’s at fire sale prices. YMMV, but it’s probably worth a stroll through the nearest antique mall, if you are in the market for classic pieces or don’t mind an eclectic look in your rooms.

    • Anon

      I agree with a prior poster to buy used furniture. Id buy new for upholstered and used for everything else. Fb marketplace is the best in my area, but also keep an eye on CL. And go slowly to find the best things that really speak to you. A house with some space is nice to live in as you curate your furniture.

    • Bonnie Kate

      Wayfair and Overstock can be good. For inexpensive rugs, I like Rugs USA – they’re always running major promos, especially around holidays.

      I like a lot of Ikea’s higher priced options. I think Ikea pieces mixed in with heirloom pieces, so you don’t have a whole Ikea showroom, can be very nice.

      I’d also watch for sales at West Elm, CB2 and Urban Outfitters.

      I agree that the best inexpensive quality options will be from Facebook Marketplace and the like, but it won’t be fast. Especially since you want younger fresher pieces.

    • Senior Attorney

      Agree that used is the best and cheapest, but if you don’t have the time or patience, I have had good luck with:

      Apt2b dot com
      Interior Define
      Wayfair
      West Elm

    • Anon

      It may be worthwhile to use one of those virtual interior design services to give you options to mix/match with your existing décor. That way when you have a plan when you are bargain shopping for used/affordable options. I too love thrifted furniture – but you need to learn to be very discerning when picking up pieces.

      I’ve not used them, but you may have the option of sending photos of your room laid out with your existing pieces and get advice on what you need to fill in the gaps and keep it cohesive.

  17. Anonymous

    Runners — what do you wear to run outside when it rains. Currently I just accept that getting soaked is inevitable, but I keep thinking there must be a better, drier way. Any suggestions much appreciated!

    • Anon

      I have an LL bean rain coat with a removable fleece liner and hood I can wear on runs plus a baseball hat. However there are days when it’s just raining too much to enjoy a run.

    • anon

      I have a Mizuno running jacket that’s pretty effective at keeping me from getting soaked. But I also accept that running in the rain is just going to be uncomfortable.

    • EB

      A raincoat specifically made for running, which will have ventilation, etc. And a hat with a brim to keep the rain out of your eyes! You can’t keep your feet dry.

    • anon in brooklyn

      I don’t really mind getting wet—I’d be sweaty anyway, and it feels much worse to be sweaty under a waterproof jacket than just rained on. For me, the important thing is a baseball cap to keep the water out of me eyes.

      • Ribena

        Me too. I also try and do a shorter faster run in the rain (it kind of makes me feel like Lara Croft???) rather than a slower longer run

    • MagicUnicorn

      Following with interest.

      Wool socks keep my toes feeling dry longer than non-wool socks do. I see other runners wearing neon colored, ultra-thin, almost transparent jackets in the rain but have not figured out where they come from yet.

    • Anon

      I’m in Florida. I just get wet. It’ll either be sweat or rain, so all of my clothes drain to damp quickly. Stay away from heavy fabrics, cotton, or anything else that gets soggy.
      My most common summer running outfit is an old, very thin Smartwool tank, sports bra from Target, tri shorts and very thin sock like Balega hidden dry. I’m not much to look at, but I’m as comfortable as one can be.

    • Anonymous

      It depends how cold it is, but a water resistant vest is a nice compromise for in-between weather. I can rarely tolerate a rainproof running jacket unless it is cold enough for snow.

    • NYCer

      I don’t really enjoy running in the rain (and usually just do another form of exercise that day!), but my biggest piece of advice is to wear a hat with a brim. If it is cold, I wear a headband over my ears and put a baseball cap over it.

    • Anonymous

      We did a fun run in the rain and wore umbrella hats. We looked super silly but was so nice to have a dry head, face, and upper body. I now wear it whenever I run in the rain… Got a 10 pack super cheap at Amazon.

  18. Anon

    Can anyone recommend a good food or flower delivery for the Seattle area for my best friend’s birthday? Last time I sent a fruit bouquet and that went over well. She is turning 50 and eats and enjoys everything. I would prefer to gift some kind of consumable.

  19. anon

    Help. I have developed a very bad procrastination habit that is the result of anxiety. I have a lot of shame about it, and I’m not very effective right now. Any ideas on how to kick it?

    • Anon

      For me this was ADHD (apparently I could only focus once I was in a blind panic over a deadline…)

      • Anonymous

        This is me. What steps did you go through to treat it? I have a fear that a doctor will think I just want adderall to do more work or something. I know that’s not rational, but I haven’t been able to see a doctor for 15 years because of it!

        • Anon

          A doctor can just refer you out! Most primary care doctors near me are unwilling to deal w/any kind of controlled substances and might be uncomfortable assessing too, but they’re happy refer to psychiatry for meds management or neuropsychology for assessment.

    • Anonymous

      I do long lists of everything I need to get done, and that generates enough terror to get me going.

    • Anon

      When my procrastination gets really bad like this it is usually a symptom of depression. CBT and Wellbutrin worked wonders for me.

  21. Favorite muffin recipes?

    What are your favorite muffin recipes? No nuts or optional nuts, please! Bonus points if it involves sourdough discard.
    I’ve lately discovered that I really like having muffins around- muffins are so handy to have as a snack or breakfast for the kids (and me!) and pretty quick and easy to make. We usually do banana or pumpkin, but want to explore other options.

    • Anon

      I also love having muffins around- there are just two of us so I like things that freeze well and are reasonably healthy. Because I want mine to be fairly healthy, I mostly use white whole wheat flour, not too much sugar, and recipes with fruit and nuts, rather than ones that taste like cupcakes. For muffins in that category, I like the superhero muffins (google them), which use almond flour, so definitely not okay if you have a nut allergy, but would work if you just have someone who doesn’t like the texture. Other ones I like come from cookbooks- vegan chocolate banana from Pastry Love, a sour cream blueberry muffin from the King Arthur Whole Grain book (I think it’s called their basic muffin recipe), and corn muffins from a Dorie Greenspan cookbook (I use white whole wheat flour in all of these, and oat milk and oil because I don’t usually have cow milk or butter in the house, but do use eggs and sour cream in that recipe)

    • PolyD

      I like these a lot: https://www.food.com/recipe/cheddar-corn-muffins-250308

      I started keeping evaporated milk around for baking during the pandemic. I mostly drink skim milk, but the evaporated milk is nice for baking. For these muffins, I poured about half to a third of the amount of milk in the recipe into a measuring cup, then I added some Greek yogurt and stirred it up to get to the right volume. I like adding yogurt to muffins, it makes them fluffier.

      • OP

        Oh this is super helpful. The Husband keeps coming home with evaporated milk instead of condensed (for key lime pie) so I have a few cans to use up!

        • PolyD

          Use it in frittatas, too. Works really well.

          I have read that you are supposed to dilute the evaporated milk 1:1 with water to use it in baking. I usually do, but I don’t for frittatas and I didn’t when I diluted it with yogurt for the muffins.

    • Sybil

      I’ve been getting into muffins lately and have really liked the ones from yummytoddlerfood on Instagram. Literally just made her strawberry muffins an hour ago. The lemon blueberry are also good, and I like her pizza muffins for an easy lunch. But I’ve also been perfectly happy with muffins from a package – Krusteaz or Betty Crocker are great and quick and easy, which helps if you’re making them frequently.

    • Anon

      I do zucchini bread or carrot cake as muffins, just using the same recipe as the single loaf pan uses. They’re easier than cutting a slice for breakfast.

    • Ribena

      I know I recommend Midnight Chicken by Ella Risbridger all the time but there is a gorgeous berry muffin recipe in there (which I now really want to make again…!)

  22. Anonymous

    Seeing all the recent discussion on the importance of networking over and above other application channels, I wanted to ask this of the hive.
    If I were interested in your company and team and reached out to you on LinkedIn, do you always prefer to chat with me over the phone? I’m hearing and speech impaired (I’m verbal but have the inherent deaf accent) and when I suggest alternate channels to the phone call (such as a text/email chat or a Google Meet with live transcription) I’m always, always ghosted. What am I doing wrong – should I be suggesting more options to consider your comfort and convenience (which I know is critical and I’m not judging at all)? I have the same issue with headhunters but have understood it is because of their business model and need to procure the most saleable and unproblematic candidates.

    Pre-pandemic I would always offer to travel to their city and meet up for a coffee chat (which wasn’t taken up due to their full schedules). Currently, with dispersion of workers, that option is also out of the window.

    I’d love to hear what I should do to capture and sustain your time and attention. Thanks for reading!

    • Anonymous

      I’m simply not willing to put my career related thoughts about my team, firm, or career path in writing, at all. Too risky that it would get out, way more work for me to craft than a 15 minute phone call.

      • Anon

        Yes, this is the make-or-break factor for me as well. I don’t want what I say on record.

      • Anonymous

        OP here. This makes sense and is a valid concern. What do you feel about a Google Meet/Hangout? The subtitles are not stored or recorded.

    • anon

      I get so many inbounds on LinkedIn that I don’t generally respond unless there’s some compelling reason to, which is sub 10% of the outreach I receive. I get so many people looking to learn about my team and role or career path, it’s just too much to respond to these types of inbounds.

    • Anonymous

      I know you might not want to disclose your disability but if someone made that suggestion to me I would say no, if they made the suggestion including the detail that it was for accessibility reasons I’d say yes.

    • Davis

      I agree that I would prefer non-written communication. I almost always offer a 15-minute Zoom. If I get the sense that someone is flakey or trying to sell me something I request they send a few bullet points / questions they’d like to talk about. That weeds out the difficult folks, in my experience.

      If someone suggests a phone call, I think I would be reasonable to request a Zoom and note that it’s easier for you, even if you don’t feel comfortable completely explaining your disability.

    • Katrinka

      Unless we already know each other, a cold message on LinkedIn is not what I would consider “networking.” But if I were willing to consider talking to a stranger, yes, a person suggesting written communication instead of a phone call would raise red flags unless explained.

  23. Meal Prep Help

    Does anyone have good crock pot recipes they like to cook on the weekends for healthy meal prepping lunches during the week (or good non-crock pot ideas for healthy lunches)? BF and I have been trying to find ways to meal prep our lunches for the week with minimal effort, hence the crock pot, but haven’t had a lot of luck finding a lot of good/healthy recipes. Bonus points if the dish can be varied throughout the week (thrown over salad or rice, etc.).

    • Anonymous Grouch

      Not a recipe, but if you want good meal prep chicken from the crock pot buy boneless skinless chicken thighs. They cook up beautifully in six hours on low with any combo of seasonings, and don’t get dried out. They are also fairly cheap. A 4lb package ($13 where I live) yields 3 meals worth for DH and I.

  24. Newbie Bike Commuter

    Hey y’all – I am really excited to start bike commuting to work. It’s only about a 3-ish mile ride and I’m enjoying it so far (the whole 3 days I’ve done it!). For those who bike to work, what kind of bag to you use to tote your laptop, work stuff, lunch, and (sometimes) a change of clothes – plus a lock and whatever other bike accessories I’m still learning that I should have? I can sometimes wear more casual clothes to the office, but occasionally need wear the fancy clothes for client meetings, hearings, mediations, etc.
    If you use a rear pannier, what kind do you recommend?
    TIA!

    • ANON

      Panniers are kind of annoying. I’d prefer to just put a front basket with an elastic net so you put the bag in there and hold it down with the net. it does limit how much you can bring though. alternatively just wear a backpack

      • Anon

        It does really depend on your bike. A rack and panniers, while technically possible on my road bike, would be miserable. If I ride it to work, I use a backpack.
        My daily driver was built to haul loads and as long as I bag my own groceries so as to not end up with 40 pounds of canned goods in one pannier and potato chips in the other, it rides beautifully fully loaded.
        Pannier pro tip – you can clip them to the side of your shopping cart and load them up as you shop – keeps me from buying more than I can fit.
        The main thing I need to watch out for with panniers is that I *can* carry a lot more junk than I usually need, and while I’m no weight weenie, hauling around a bunch of extra stuff is just more work for no reason.

    • Anon

      Welcome to the dark side! The world is so much different outside of a car – I wish more people would try it.
      I spent the money and bought Ortlieb Panniers (City Roller, which is sort of their budget entry, though still $$ and good quality). If I have to schlep my laptop, I put it, in its backpack in one pannier and the rest of my crap in another. Ortlieb does make what they call a “commuter insert” that slides in and has a laptop sleeve, and dividers to keep office type stuff organized, but I haven’t taken that plunge.
      Most of the time, I just bring one bag, though, and keep my clothes, lunch, lock, etc in there. It’s plenty of room. I do keep a couple of pairs of shoes that go with everything in the office, so that cuts down on one thing to carry. If you have a spare “fancy” outfit, I’d keep it at the office just to remove that worry. One of these days I’m going to get to work and not have pants or only one shoe or some such thing. I’ve been commuting by bike for years, but mistakes are bound to happens sooner or later.
      I usually kit up for my ride in, since it’s a little longer, and for me, bike clothes/shoes are more comfortable, but there’s no wrong way to do it.
      As far as stuff to have, a helmet and get a usb-chargeable blinky light are essentials if you don’t already have them. In my city, motorists don’t give a damn, so being visible and taking the lane where no bike infra exists is necessary to not get hurt. Fenders make the ride so much more pleasant in wet conditions and are well worth the couple of bucks.
      Congrats and welcome!

    • Anan

      I just use my college L.L. Bean backpack. I had panniers, but didn’t love them- for me the backpack is a better way to carry the weight.

    • Ribena

      I use the Basil Milk Bottle baskets on my rear luggage rack and then pop my usual bag(s) in there. Very low tech!

  25. Jeans Hunt

    Really hoping for some help . . .
    Husband is 6 feet tall, 275 pounds. (Not a small guy.) Needs new jeans for the off days of a 4 week work trip to Europe. (He’ll wear suits during the day — another problem. . . .) He’ll be with colleagues as they tour around, so can’t wear the faded, ratty ones he’s worn for the last 2 years on Zoom.
    Any hints for brand/cut/color that are in now? Google is showing me $300 pairs of jeans and really anything over $150 is not possible. On the other hand, searches for jeans for heavy guys results in suggestions of Wranglers from Wal-Mart, which won’t help him feel confident.
    Any hints appreciated.

    • Flats Only

      I think your local “big and tall” store is your friend here. They should have the suits and some casual pants or nice jeans that fit.

    • Cat

      I don’t know what waist size that tr.nslates into, but AG jeans are sometimes on sale at that price point, and are a great balance of modern but not too skinny.

    • Anon

      Nordstrom sells Mavi and AG which cost less than $150. At least in women’s jeans, Mavi has some “flex” denim that’s ridiculously comfortable. AG I think of as classic. But honestly I don’t think there’s ever anything wrong with wearing whatever the current cut of Levi’s is either.

    • pugsnbourbon

      Macy’s has men’s extended sizes. I just checked their website and they’ve got Levis, Ralph Lauren and Tommy Hilfiger.

    • NYNY

      Bonobos has a wide range of sizes, and you can filter on size to see what’s available.

      • Anonymous

        Really? Bonobos seems to favor really slim cuts which only look good on little wiry men.

  26. Anotheranon

    Anyone have a script I can use to ask my very Republican senators to support Judge KBJ?

    • Anon

      It really doesn’t matter what you say. You could give an impassioned 20 minute defense of the Judge and the staffer will just record your preference for how their boss should vote. So just call and say “I want you to vote Yes on KBJ.”

    • Anon

      i dont really understand all of this questioning nonsense. don’t the senators have something more important to talk about? i feel like this questioning is a prime example of inefficient government

      • Anonymous

        Questioning the judge is important. It is part of their job. However, some of the questions are stupid and a waste of time.

  27. Annony

    I’d order a few different styles from Levis and see what works … straight, maybe slim, in a dark wash or even black. Have him try them on, consider tailoring if needed.

  28. Clara

    Anyone feel like the advice on here is sometimes judgmental/mean? I feel like it’s often some variation of “You are ___ as a person” based on one comment or “Your boyfriend is incompetent/thoughtless/terrible – dump him!” based on one indiscretion. Not sure if it’s just the consequence of anonymously asking questions or if it’s something particular to this group.

    • Anonymous

      I would say it’s more so honest? For example IRL I’d never tell a friend she was being a pick-me, I’d just distance the relationship until the bad boyfriend was gone. Sure it’s ‘nice’ but it certainly isn’t effective. Real life doesn’t facilitate honesty.

    • Anon

      I mean, the whole point of asking for advice is that you want people to be judgmental. If someone asks for advice, you can only go based on what they’ve said and assume that it’s representative of the relationship, or in other cases, that the relationship is generally good but there’s one thing that really bugs them and they want to know how to deal with that. I think we all understand that life is complicated and everyone has different preferences. If you don’t want feedback on something, don’t ask or give the relevant context. That said, there are sometimes a few people that are snippy and mean in a nonconstructive way, but for the most part I think people are trying to help, and that often means offering judgment- this is a board with a lot of lawyers after all!

      • Anon

        This is a great point! I’ve asked for some advice here and I think the bulk of the feedback has been incredibly helpful/supportive/kind. But then some of the snarky/mean comments can sort of color the whole thing. I feel like the productive judgment is so helpful though and it’s really thoughtful a lot of the time.

    • AIMS

      I think for the most part this group is very kind and supportive. But there is sometimes a tendency to default to 1) you need therapy, 2) you should leave him, and/or 3) you should dump this friend/bf/husband/family member and maybe also get therapy if you don’t want to.

      • Anonymous

        As someone who has received basically all this advice form the site while reading over lasr decade plus, I am forever grateful for the time and emotion it (you all) saved me.

    • Anonymous

      I find people here assign negative traits to people that aren’t part of the original post. Like someone asks for advice about how to move on from a bad relationship and the advice is “I can’t believe you want to get back together with this awful man. You have no self worth at all.” It is frustrating so I don’t ask for certain kinds of advice here unless I am feeling like I want someone to gut punch me that day.

      • Anonymous

        Agreed! My favorite feedback when I asked for advice was being told to go “jump in a lake”!

    • Anon

      There are some jerks, but more often than not, I see blunt, very frank advice that is often, I think, necessary so that the people asking the question hopefully realizes that what they’re experiencing IS NOT NORMAL. It’s so easy to get your norms skewed in work or personal matters when your immersed in something really toxic.
      I could be wrong, but this is why I assume good intentions when I see some very, very frank answers.
      The true jerks, though? They can go jump in a lake :-)

      • Anon

        This exactly. A few years ago, I posted for advice on how my family of origin behaved immediately after I got engaged. At the time, I thought that it was what normal people did but I just needed to do a course correction. Commenters said that it was not a reasonable way to behave towards me and asked me to think about if I really wanted these people at my wedding or in my life at all.

        Sounds harsh? They were so right. It was not a one-off thing or a misunderstanding; it was part of a cesspool of dysfunction, control, and mind games. Healing is a long, slow journey, but I am forever grateful to the women who said it wasn’t normal.

      • Senior Attorney

        Yes, it was the posters here who finally made me see that my previous marriage, and the way my former husband treated me, was NOT NORMAL. I still remember the time I posted about it anonymously and everybody was all “DTMFA” and I was all “wow….” It took a while longer, but that was the turning point.

    • Anon

      Depending on the day I think comments can be nicer or meaner – I’ve definitely gotten both, and I think that’s just the nature of anonymous forums. However, one of the things I have noticed here is that even the most benign comments can get some really oddly aggressive responses, which always puzzles me.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve gotten super hurtful and snarky responses to my posts. I just dont ask for advice on personal things anymore.

      • Anon

        Same! I posted asking for advice and people, read all kinds of things into my question that were not there, not true, and quite unkind.

        Also if someone asks about advice for a trip to France, then I really wish people would answer that question and not tell them France is overpriced and French people are evil and that they cannot believe you are so stupid that you want to go to France.

        It’s not all or even the majority but it does seem more common.

  29. Anon

    Low stakes Q: what is your preferred nail shape? Mine is short squoval bc I think that looks the most natural, but I think that’s pretty dated now?

    • Cat

      maybe not the most “trendy” but squoval is how my nails naturally grow and mirrors the shape of my cuticles. it’s most flattering on my hand so I keep it.

      • anon

        Same. I have no interest in trying to fight my natural nail shape. I also wear my nails very short, so it’s not like I have a ton of space to play with.

    • Anonymous

      That is also my preferred shape. I really hate the pointy long oval I see a lot now. It looks so unnatural and obnoxious to my eye. I know it’s wrong, but it makes me think “not classy” when I would probably have the opposite reaction to everything else about that person’s appearance otherwise.

    • Anon

      I just round the edges enough that they won’t catch on things, because hang nails are the actual worst, and I have weak nails so I don’t want them long enough to bend back and break either. Squoval is practical to me, and I like to think it’s also flattering enough?

  30. Seventh Sister

    My kids’ high school just decided to eliminate accelerated/honors English classes for freshmen and sophomore students (9th and 10th grade). Now everyone takes the same English class until junior year, where they have a choice of non-AP English or AP English Lit.

    Has anyone been through this particular scenario with their own kids?

    My kid is a strong student with strong writing skills. I’m not really worried about my kid being “prepared” to take AP English, nor am I worried about college admissions (because it’s such a cr*pshoot). But I do wonder whether the new English class will be useful, or whether I should look into having the kid take an English class online or at the local junior college.

    • AIMS

      I think the class matters less than the teacher. I took AP English and got nothing out of it because my teacher was kind of blah and I hated almost all the books we read. I also don’t think it was more challenging, just slightly formulaic in how we were supposed to “read” literature or write our essays (for example, we could not use any form of is/was when writing). On the other hand, I had an amazing teacher for an elective writing workshop class and her lessons have stayed with me this whole time and she really made me love writing. I wouldn’t focus on the AP of it all.

      • Anon

        Except at in the rat race where admissions people have like 5 minutes to read your application, they will just not see any honors classes while kids in other systems have many (or kids at this school took honors last year, I guess this kid is lazy / unmotivated / not that sharp). I’d love to not care and value learning for learning’s sake, but I’m not going to kid myself.

        • Seventh Sister

          Yeah, they claim that college admissions counselors understand that what the high school offers, but I’m skeptical about that “fact” given the various admissions scandals of the past few years (not just the bribery ones but that charter school in MS? that faked pretty much all of the kids’ academic records). While I’d like to believe that if College X won’t take my kid over this then College X doesn’t deserve my kid, I still think this all sucks.

      • Anon

        In our city, kids have largely gone to community college for these credits after our HS did away with honors. IMO it would be better to have a class of all striving HS kids vs putting this on our stretched community college.

    • Anon

      Our county schools play with this from time to time (currently playing with it for 2022-2023 school year). There is a lot of blow-back from parents each time. The school counters with “we will individualize instruction,” which I feel doesn’t pass the laugh test when there are generally 25+ kids per class. I think that the parents are right — their kids will compete for slots at colleges against private school kids in our city for whom all of them are above-average and courses are titled “College English” even if it isn’t the “Honors English” class, so the system is being gamed already. For public school kids not to be able to show they took harder Honors classes, especially in a test-optional world, puts them at a disadvantage. IDK why schools would do that to kids and families that they claim they want to keep in the public system (vs lose them and their $ to charter or private schools or moving across the county line).

      • Seventh Sister

        Honestly, I don’t really think our local public school district actually wants to keep college-focused kids in the district. They just want docile students and parents who are happy not to be in The Big Bad Urban School District so they don’t make waves. There is an upcoming school board race and I think it’s going to be a big shock to the current state of affairs.

        • Anon

          I agree. We are in a city/county combined district and private schools opened last year whereas private ones did not. Private waitlists are years long, so the hue and cry is from motivated outraged parents who are trapped in the public system who just want their kids to be taught. “College and career ready” is the rallying cry of the district and now that test scores are out, it looks like the district is failing all kids, particularly the ones who have no other option but public school. They can’t dumb it down fast enough.

      • Anonymous

        In my school district at least, they claimed the change was for equity reasons, the honours/regular classes tended to be split along demographic lines. It just makes it worse IMO.

    • Anonymous

      A version of this happened to my daughter. There used to be three tracks of courses for freshmen and sophomores: standard, advanced, and pre-IB. “Advanced” is weighted like an honors course but in substance is really less rigorous than a standard, non-honors college prep course from back when I was in high school. Pre-IB was weighted identically but was taught more like an honors course. For my daughter’s freshman year, the district decided to eliminate all pre-IB courses and throw the IB freshmen and sophomores into the advanced courses. My daughter is now in tenth grade. The only essays she’s written in high school were for her AP psychology course. In English class, they sit and read books of their own choosing. They do not discuss or write about them. I don’t know how they expect any of these kids to be able to write when they get to AP and IB courses next year.

      That said, I’d be cautious about substituting outside courses. My daughter took an on-line writing course through CTY. It was okay, but not nearly as good as the in-person CTY courses. I tried taking a community college English course when I was in high school and found it less rigorous than a high school course.

      If you are really concerned, I’d start looking at other high school options. Eliminating honors English is a sign that the school is anti-gifted and is probably considering eliminating other advanced options as well. A year after our district dropped the pre-IB courses it tried to eliminate the entire IB program. Fortunately, there was such an outcry from parents and students that they shelved that plan for now. My daughter is signed up for a full slate of IB classes as a junior next year, and I’m crossing my fingers that they keep the program until she graduates.

      • Seventh Sister

        This is super helpful, thank you! I’m moderately concerned, so I will keep my eyes peeled.

    • Anon

      I actually went to a school that, aside from APs junior year, didn’t track most subjects. It was a small independent school and honestly we had such excellent teachers and high expectations that it was not a problem for me (a straight A student) or my sister (a straight C student). As long as your kids have good teachers, they’ll be appropriately challenged

      • Anon

        I wouldn’t ever assume that from a school that reduced its offerings and just informed parents of the change. A discussed change might be different, but IMO school systems are under a lot of pressure to raise the floor and they often do this at the expense of the kids who are doing well (but should be challenged to do their best). It sounds like the OP on this is not from a small independent school like yours.

      • Seventh Sister

        It’s a general, have-to-take everyone in the district kind of public school. The teachers have generally been really good so far, but the older my kids get, the more they kind of skate because the teachers are really working on making sure everyone is at grade level. It’s not the end of the world for me (or my kids), but I cannot figure out how (or why) a teacher is providing differentiated instruction to a kid who needs to work on comma placement v. a kid who is struggling to read a paragraph at grade leve.

    • Anon

      My kids’ school district believed in differentiated education within the classroom so they both did regular English classes. The differentiation happened when kids took AP classes after the standard classes. The idea is that the kids are choosing a more challenging class, but the school district is not doing it for them.

      My kids are fine. Both in college, thriving.

      • Seventh Sister

        In our district, all of the accelerated and AP classes are open enrollment and have been for years. My prediction is that there will be zero demographic change to the AP classes when they eliminate accelerated classes. Hopefully my kids will be out of the high school before they eliminate the AP classes.

        • Anonymous

          I responded above about our district dropping pre-IB courses. IB, AP, and advanced courses are open to all students in our district as well. When all students are allowed to choose their own level, the idea that tracking is “the school district doing it for them” is moot. What it really comes down to is that our district prioritizes the needs of the median child and below. They have a variety of wonderful special education programs to meet different needs. Lots of career and technical education. But gifted and advanced kids don’t get their needs met because they are assumed to have an unfair advantage already. There is zero differentiation until high school. The elementary school “gifted” program is a push-in, not a pull-out, because they wouldn’t want kids identified as gifted to get anything special. The result is that gifted, and even just bright, kids are bored and disengaged and are at a huge disadvantage when it comes to college admissions.

          • Anon

            The truth is, in the real world your kids are not going to be special, nor are mine. I appreciate a school district who prepares my kids for the real world.

            And as someone who has managed many, many entry level hires who had spent their lives being told they were special, I think reality is a better approach. Even if your kid ends up being the smartest person in their job, they’re still going to have to know how to work with average coworkers. Life skills are just as important as “book learning.”

          • Anonymous

            The issue is that being in dumbed-down courses does not prepare smart kids for the real world. It puts them at a disadvantage because they don’t learn how to learn. Then when they get to college they flounder.

          • Anonymous

            The life skill my kid is learning is to do all the work for everyone else. Yeah, I guess that’s pretty realistic, because that’s what happens in my job.

          • Anon

            What kind of school teaches “life skills”? The point of appropriate education isn’t to make kids feel special but not to waste their short time on earth.

    • Anon

      I think this is probably an unpopular opinion, but IMO learning to analyze literature is useless unless you plan to be an English major in college, and writing skill is mostly innate and to the extent it’s taught, it can be taught in subjects that aren’t English. I think the best thing you can do to become a better writer is read a ton.

      I was an honors/AP/college class track kid but I never took any honors English because it conflicted with the advanced STEM classes I was taking. I’m not even sure my mediocre public high school had an AP English class but if they did I didn’t take it. I got As but was not a superstar at standard high school English classes, which focused more on analyzing literature than writing. I have good innate writing ability and read vociferously, so I didn’t need a class to learn how to write. I went to an elite private college and did very well in humanities classes that required lots of essay writing. I now write for a living and read a 100+ books a year for fun.

      • Anon

        *voraciously, I mean. Not doing a good job proving my point that I know how to write …

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