Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Justina Woven Combo Long-Sleeve Pullover
Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Are the dramatic sleeves on this sweater from Alice + Olivia too much? Or are they just enough? I love a sweater with a little bit of flair, and this wool-blend sweater is right on the money. I would pair it with black trousers for a “column of color” effect.
If you prefer your flair at the collar, there is a similar sweater with a large bow, but in lucky sizes only.
The pictured sweater is $440 at Neiman Marcus and comes in sizes XS-XL.
Looking for something more affordable? Try this CeCe blouse that's on sale for $49.50 at Macy's (lucky sizes), or this top from Eloquii for $24 on sale (sizes 14-28).
Sales of note for 12.5
- Nordstrom – Cyber Monday Deals Extended, up to 60% off thousands of new markdowns — great deals on Natori, Vince, Theory, Boss, Cole Haan, Tory Burch, Rothy's, and Weitzman, as well as gift ideas like Barefoot Dreams and Parachute — Dyson is new to sale, 16-23% off, and 3x points on beauty purchases.
- Ann Taylor – up to 50% off everything
- Banana Republic Factory – up to 50% off everything + extra 25% off
- Design Within Reach – 25% off sitewide (including reader-favorite office chairs Herman Miller Aeron and Sayl!) (sale extended)
- Eloquii – up to 60% off select styles
- J.Crew – 1200 styles from $20
- J.Crew Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off $100+
- Macy's – Extra 30% off the best brands and 15% off beauty
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
- Steelcase – 25% off sitewide, including reader-favorite office chairs Leap and Gesture (sale extended)
- Talbots – 40% off your entire purchase and free shipping $125+
My angel tree kid request item is a sweatsuit – size 18/20 husky. I have no kids and these sizes befuddle me. Seems I can’t find 18/20 husky anywhere other than school uniforms. Where can I find this? Total budget per the org is supposed to be $50 total but I’m willing to stretch it or stalk sales. Gap and other stores cap out at 16 husky. Kohls only has PJ pants in this size.
Lands End carries XXL 18-20 in kids sizes.
+1. Check Target too. Failing that, men’s medium’s may work – check the size chart at Lands End and compare measurements. My son is this size.
PS – The Land’s End XXL Husky is definitely larger than the Target 18H. So I would err on the side of Land’s End. Sweat pants and knit tops provide more flexibility. For outerwear, the REI Men’s raincoat worked, and he has some Land’s End XXL Husky coats and an LL Bean Men’s medium.
Try Mofi Clothing, it’s designed specifically for husky boys and seems to have lots of options in the 18-20 range!
Wow, thanks for this – I have so much trouble finding clothes for my son.
JC Penny’s carries the pants. https://www.jcpenney.com/p/xersion-little-big-boys-mid-rise-cuffed-fleece-jogger-pant/ppr5008410674?pTmplType=regular&deptId=dept11100000014&catId=cat11100000028&urlState=%2Fg%2Fbaby-kids%2Fkids%2Fkids-husky%3Fgad_source%3D1%26gclid%3DCjwKCAiA3ZC6BhBaEiwAeqfvymzqDmgCK_fhZG-KfVEXF3c12cg0MvxZAs428m58ZKXC1dkzTOZFOxoCRTIQAvD_BwE%26gclsrc%3Daw.ds%26utm_adgroupid%3D156589574777%26utm_content%3Dkwd-367895074287%26utm_device%3Dc%26utm_keyword%3Dboys%2Bhusky%26utm_matchtype%3Dp%26id%3Dcat11100000028&productGridView=medium&badge=onlyatjcp%7Chuskysize
Zip top: https://www.jcpenney.com/p/xersion-little-big-boys-fleece-zipper-hoodie/ppr5008410680?pTmplType=regular&enrId=enr5008466044
Non zip hoodie top is in limited colors: https://www.jcpenney.com/p/xersion-little-big-boys-fleece-hoodie/ppr5008410997?pTmplType=regular&enrId=enr5008466044
Old navy sells husky kids sizes.
I believe that husky sizes are online only, as is the XXL size which translates to 18-20. In other words, the kids’ XXL husky is available online and should fit the request.
As a parent, I am familiar with this size. Try Old Navy, H&M, or JC Penney.
Kids sizes are honestly the worst. My kid is 5’1” and 100lbs and athletic. You would think she would be easy to fit at 11 yet the *thirty pair of jeans* we had to order to find something that fit her would say you are wrong. We tried everything from kids 12 to adult 2 regular, petite, and short.
Just chiming in to say from experience that the adult medium won’t work. It’s cut too slim. Ditto the recs for Kohl’s and Lands End. And he probably wants black would be my guess.
I mean, I’m echoing the recs for LE and Kohl’s – they’re good sources.
My best friend is the director of a migrant worker non-profit. We’re in a rural area but they have a fairly large impact in our region. Her field is advising to prep for nasty retaliation/weaponization of the IRS/DOJ/similar agencies. They are looking for a good non-profit attorney who could fight on their behalf if and when that happens. Any recommendations?
I think you might need to include what state you’re in (to narrow this to attorney’s who practice there)
This will depend strongly on what region of the country you are in. Jurisdiction matters a lot in law.
Does it seem like there is an ability to pay for this work? If I’m assuming correctly there is no budget for this, your friend’s best bet is to find a large profitable law firm that handles white collar litigation and government investigations work and is taking on new pro bono projects. Have her figure out which board member has the best connection to the firm so that the board member can approach the firm about taking on the non-profit as a new pro bono client. This may take a few attempts to find a willing law firm to partner with. Good luck!
Try contacting professional lawyers’ organizations that coordinate pro bono representation, such as the Commission on Immigration at the American Bar Association.
Your friend is the best person to find someone. That said, I was employed with a law school with a very conservative bent in 2016 but the immigration clinic went into high gear on immigration training for lawyers.
Ah, sorry for the delays! I’m a lawyer, which is why she asked me, but I specialize in a weird niche of international trade so have zero recs. She’s in the Midwest. Agricultural and construction are the big areas. I do think there’s some budget to pay but – not a ton, is my guess.
she could also reach out to local law schools. I feel like they have clinics that have a good beat on who would know good nonprofit lawyers.
I’m looking into the AmEx Platinum Card – I don’t travel as much as I’d like to for pleasure (travel a good deal for work and weddings, my BF’s family has a beach condo nearby that we use a bunch, but I made my 2025 resolution to take one fun trip for myself this year). It’s obviously expensive, but it looks like you can pretty easily recoup the fee for the card with the benefits and statement credits. I do live in a city where they have a AmEx lounge at the airport too.
Can anyone speak to the card – do you find the benefits worth it and are the statement credits / benefits easy to recoup?
do you tend to fly one airline more than others? if so, that airline’s card may be a better bet for status reasons.
I prefer the chase sapphire reserve for travel benefits.
I have the reserve but am looking to upgrade to a card with more benefits. Just looking at the Preferred benefits they don’t seem amazing?
There’s more hotel and airline options to use points on. Lounge access isn’t a thing though, which is annoying. I stick with it because I get a better return using their points for hotels and flights.
I have it and I love it. I easily recoup my fees. I travel approximately 5x a year for work, and 3x a year for family purposes. It’s also worth noting that due to my location, I almost always have a layover so the lounge access it key for me. Other than that, I do use the offers when some come up that are interesting but don’t regularly stalk them. I take advantage of every single built in offer that I can – status at hotels, the streaming credit, the airline credit, the Saks credit. It adds up quickly
Do you mind saying how you recoup the fees? Thanks!
Sure! I do think I use it more because I do frequently travel for business, as we pay for those things on our personal cards (but alas through a company-mandated application). For starters, there’s the sign on perk. That’s a big one depending on where you sign up. I use the $200 airline credit (I fly almost exclusively Delta). $15 a month Uber credit (or Uber Eats). Paid for my husband’s global entry. $100 a year at Saks. $240 digital entertainment credit (I use it to pay for my Netflix and part of Hulu). $200 off certain hotels (I used this to book a 5 star hotel for my honeymoon). Walmart+ Monthly membership that I use to get almost all my non-perishable groceries delivered. I use the CLEAR credit when the airport allows it. I’ve regularly used the Hilton Gold Status for free upgrades, breakfast, and water bottles. I also count all of the food and drink I get in airport lounges instead of paying at an airport restaurant. Finally, the offers. Ones I will use in the next month to purchase Christmas gifts: 1) $15 off $100 at Etsy, 2) spend $125 earn $25 back at Zappos, spend $50 earn $10 at Sur La Table, spend $80 or more, earn $20 back at ThredUp
I paid the hefty fees earlier this year and I am now stressing out about not having recouped the fees/ benefits. I did travel extensively this year for work and personal (about 12 trips) but couldn’t take advantage of status at hotels, the streaming credit (is this the walmart one, I guess i have it but not the time to watch anythign on it) or the airline credit. I know this seems a me problem, but would love to hear how you used these. For me the hotels just didnt align with where i was going/ needed to be for work.
From someone who doesn’t much use the travel benefits: $100 statement credit for Saks, $50 first half of year and another $50 for the second half. Internet media credit: I use mine for NYTimes online. I think it’s a potential $20 per month, but my subscription is just $18 per month so that’s what I’m getting. If you are using the full $20 per month those two are $340 per year super easy. The Uber and Uber Eats monthly credit doesn’t mean much to rural me, but others might find it useful. I got the Walmart+ credit which fully covers the monthly cost not because I have a great fondness for Walmart but mainly because I like the Paramount+ for free. And then every now and then I open the app and check out the current offers. Right now it looks like there are cash back offers for a certain spend on Lulumon, Warby Parker, Zappos, Rosetta Stone, Labcorp, Quince, Aesop, Ray Ban, Vince, Mac, Rag & Bone, to name a few. Some are fairly petty amounts but R&B is $75 and I’m probably about to use it.
is your TSA precheck up for renewal? It will cover the fee for you and spouse.
Adding in here: I have to book my work travel on my work credit card – so hotel, airline, and rental car are not things I can put on my personal card when traveling for work (but, I do get loyalty points under my name for work travel). When dining out for work travel, I can put on my personal card and get those points.
I love it and find it useful for travel. There are many lounges I get into besides the AMEX lounge. Other features I like: $200 annual airline credit for costs/fees such as snacks or checked bags; $15 monthly Uber credit; pays for Global Entry / TSA precheck and Clear; automatic Hilton Honors Gold Status gets me free breakfast and room upgrades; twice yearly Saks Fifth credit $50; credits to a good list of restaurants and shops, for example this month if I spend $75 at Harry and David’s I’ll get reimbursed $15. I check for the reimbursements and they show up without fail, I haven’t had any hassle with that.
Other than paying for precheck / clear, I don’t have the bandwidth to even keep track of perks (and I have probably checked a bag 4x in the past decade).
I just realized that AmEx Platinum gives 10x points when you use it to buy airline tickets, so that’s a big thing. Also they have a service where you can buy tickets to events like concerts and Broadway shows on their web site, which I just used to get tix that were otherwise unavailable. So although I am a Chase lover, I am beginning to be persuaded to use my husband’s AmEx more…
I’ve had chase Sapphire for a while and opened an Amex Platinum this year to take advantage of an attractive initial offer. Strongly prefer chase for the following reasons:
– most of the perks feel like clipping coupons. credits are doled out per month not aggregate so you need to stay on top of it as well as which you need to opt into vs which are automatic. for example saks, rather than $100/yr it’s $50 2x year and shipping costs $10
– the value is dubious if you wouldn’t pay for those perks anyway
– chase points go a lot further using their platform. amex costs are inflated. particularly true for the $200 hotel credit + benefits.
– I have been able to use Chase lounges in my home airport so haven’t utilized this
that said, i do love my free Amex cards which I’ve had nearly 20 yrs. but for me, Chase comes out ahead on premium
I love our Platinum card. In addition to all the benefits already mentioned, I use their Concierge service almost every time I travel to book restaurants. I consistently am able to score difficult-to-get reservations (like Le Bernardin at 7pm on a Saturday night) before they even open to the public.
All the talk about screen time here made me check mine – and I’ve been spending 1 hr+ on Instagram. I had been spending 30+ minutes on Reddit and Twitter each in addition but I deleted those because I could tell that it was getting to be too much. I don’t really want to delete Instagram because the problem is Reels, not Instagram. I’m just going to go cold turkey on Reels and enforce it by turning my phone to greyscale (thanks for the rec here!), the normal screen limit, and the one with the extra code you have to put in.
I started experimenting with grayscale last week and my weekly screen time dropped 36%. I switch it to color when needed, like online shopping or when I do a Peloton class, but notice that I tend to play with it a lot more when color is on. I’m less tempted to pick it up during the workday or in the car when it’s in grayscale and when I do pick up, I’m not as enticed to keep using it. I think over time my screen time will continue dropping.
I had a good period of greyscale but the train ticket checkers HATE it, so I turned it off. It’s an easy switch so I need to do that again.
If you delete the instagram app and use instagram on your phone’s browser it’s still usable but reels basically don’t work.
Reels are crazy addictive. I can fall down a hole so easily. I deleted the entire app off my phone, and only use it on my ipad. That might be an option for you. Although truly, once you go a little while without it on your phone, you really don’t miss it. The only time I miss the app at all is when I want to post a picture of my kid.
I mean, I spend too much time watching Eddie Vedder clips for a married woman my age.
I love this pick, it reminds me of something Cher Horowitz would wear.
It gives me Wednesday Addams vibes.
+1 as soon as I saw it that was my reaction too
+2 and I love it!
Do the Girl Scout cookies contain real Girl Scouts?
When I saw it, I was hoping it was a dress. I need to replace all my sweater dresses, so I’m on the lookout.
I don’t have this sweater, but a very similar one from the same brand, and I love it. It’s really high quality. I wish I lived in a colder area of the country, if I did, I’d buy this one as well. Might wait on a sale though!
Talk to me about decorating in bathrooms, speciifcally, any framed item above a toilet. If it were real artwork (or something like a needlepoint map of the Florida Keys), is the ick factor of being in a bathroom too great? Or just treat art that’s not museum $$$ as a consumable: hang it, see it, accept that it the ick factor keeps it from being passed down. I’ve never hung art in a bathroom but it’s more b/c I’m a frequent renter who wants her security deposit back. Now, I’ve got my own place, so I can hang with abandon.
I’m usually not all Captain Germ about things, but I can wash my hands as needed. This is just going to hang and maybe gets Windex on occasion.
You can clean a framed picture as long as it is glassed in. Just don’t hang the needlepoint with the fabric out. And no one is going to want your Art when you die decades from now that isn’t a factor.
I get not passing it down, but also maybe once something is a bathroom piece you don’t move it to the kitchen (due to ick factor and people’s memories, not b/c maybe you couldn’t actually clean a piece in cased in glass).
If you want to be weirdly anxious about this go right ahead, but you can clean it and you don’t lick a picture frame so idk what the issue is.
How long, exactly, do you think bacteria live for?
Kitchen is even harder on art than bathroom; you’d definitely want it encased in the kitchen!
As for ick factor, it’s 2024 and we don’t have to go by vibes when it comes to pathogens. If someone wants to be scientifically illiterate, that’s on them.
Spouse is a germaphobe and can confirm that there is no science. Just fear.
My household is immune compromised so we take germs pretty seriously, but aside from that one time somebody brought c. diff home, the kitchen is generally the scarier room germwise!
I do not understand the home decor influencers who have tchotchkes and decor all over the kitchen. Doesn’t that stuff get dusty and nasty? Not to mention, wouldn’t it be in the way if you’re actually cooking? I cannot. I like having nice-looking kitchen things, but the point is, they get USED and aren’t sitting around just looking pretty.
Speak for yourself. I want my parents’ art. But they have good art. I would xpect to clean all pieces before they leave the house, though.
So this is interesting. My parents had a cool piece of artwork in their bathroom, but not near the toilet. I have it now and hang it not in the bathroom, and never had any ick associated with it.
I feel like I saw some mock-up of CSI bathroom and . . . . apparently everywhere is in the plume of ick. It’s not just above-the toilet but anywhere. That’s why in the 1920s they used tile all up the walls and everything — easier to use bleach on that. They were really into cleanliness, but maybe that makes sense after an influenza pandemic.
I mean its a hard surface and has been cleaned.
That’s why I keep my toothbrush inside the medicine cabinet.
Sort of a good point, but I fear closed spaces in any environment that gets wet. OTOH, I have never had a toothbrush in the medicine cabinet and feel like my plumbing has tolerated the current settings fairly well. I grew up watching Little House on the Prairie and imagine that even hand-washing is a recent non-frontier thing (OTOH, would not want to die of or have cholera or other GI illnesses).
Mooncat, you have no ick because you are normal person. So tired of people calling others nasty and ick for living life.
I love whimsical bathroom artwork. Our family bath is tiled so no artwork there, but in the downstairs loo, we’ve got a drawing of a standing otter with a bath towel draped over his shoulder. It makes me smile every time.
When I was a kid, our family bath had a painting of piglets in a bath tub. My BIL has a shower with pigs in bath tiles, and I’ve made him promise me he’ll save me one if they ever tear it out.
Another huge fan of whimsical bathroom art. Ours is typically small pieces picked up at art festivals for are couple hundred, or in one bathroom, it is a piece I bought, DH hates, and he has relegated to the guest bathroom so that he never sees it.
I hang framed art in my bathroom with zero overthinking about it.
Same. And gasp, unframed art too.
Same. It literally had never crossed my mind until this post! But I also leave my toothbrushes uncovered… I have lots of anxieties but bathroom ick isn’t one, and we keep basic standards but do not go overboard on any aspect of cleanliness in the house. My kids are missing-school-level sick only like twice a year and we never had that dreaded “catch every bug” situation on starting, so I tell myself the ick is good for us!
That’s a good point about toothbrushes. I replace quarterly but it’s more re mouth ick than bathroom ick.
I am a generally clean and tidy person, but I have accepted that it is impossible to keep a bathroom perfectly clean because it’s used all the time! I just … don’t worry about it. The toilet gets cleaned 1-2 times a week. The sink is wiped off several times a week. That has to be good enough.
Same. As long as you’re not worried about moisture damaging it over the years I don’t see a problem. It might accumulate some bacteria but I assume you don’t regularly rub your hands all over the artwork.
I have no ick factor about art hung in a bathroom…
To me, the only real question here is moisture from a shower or tub. I wouldn’t hang art I like in the bathroom where we mostly shower. But otherwise? It’s no different from having walls in the bathroom…clean it periodically and you’ll be fine.
+1. We don’t hang anything too precious in the bathroom, but otherwise no qualms.
Good point about moisture. Has anyone had anything get wrecked if it’s in a shower-only bathroom that sees regular use a couple of times a day for showers?
I live in a 1br/1ba (so bathroom gets lots of use) and have a vintage framed paper print in my bathroom. It’s been in there for probably 8 years now and zero issues. I haven’t taken it down to unframe it, but it looks fine in the glass so I’m assuming all is well. It’s 60+ year old paper too, so more fragile/delicate than the modern paper print I have in there too.
Yea, I worry more about moisture damage for bathroom art and don’t hang anything too sentimental/precious in the bathroom for that reason.
We have what is basically a poster hung in ours/the kids’ bathroom, which is the larger bathroom with the bathtub. It’s from a beach area we have always gone to as a family. It has animated sea creatures. That’s about as arty as I would get for a bathroom, and the kids liked it.
I have acrylic prints of vacation photos in my bathrooms. Super easy to wipe down.
I have in my bathroom macro photos of flowers printed on metal from Society 6. Not this one, but this general idea: https://fineartamerica.com/featured/orange-delight-lena-photo-art.html?product=metal-print
I don’t worry about ick, not particularly germphobic, but these are easy to clean.
Does anyone else have a family of origin where their parents/stepparents played extreme favorites? I was the unfavored one and I guess I’m realizing that is real, it’s not just my perception. Has anyone else dealt with this and how did you come to terms with it? Besides choosing not to prioritize people who don’t prioritize me, which I’m already doing.
It’s not quite the same, but I have a sibling who had some learning and emotional difficulties to the point where I was just kind of left to fend for myself. It’s was sort of Soviet parenting — sibling needed more, sibling got more (to a crazy degree — high teacher:child ratio private school, trips abroad, no summer job, etc. I was free range to the extreme since I was “fine” (plot twist: I was not fine). As an adult, I get choices, which I didn’t have as a kid. Sibling kind of doubled down on the neediness, almost a bit of learned helplessness I feel, so I feel bad for sibling. But I’m glad to be out of that house.
I feel I was the “needed more, got more” child in my family. The result was that I was the only one who was sent to college. I feel some of my siblings who had better health and better grades in math and better people skills and better attention spans might have made more of it if they could have gone. It is messed up and unfair.
“Needs more, gets more” makes sense as far as it impacts basic functioning. For example, a kid with dyslexia should get appropriate tutoring. But I don’t see how it’s ever appropriate to pay for one child’s college and not the others’, unless there are some children for whom college is not appropriate.
I think part of what happened is that the tutoring and even the medical needs led to more exposure to college educated adults and to the idea of college as a possibility, so I’m the one who was perceived as “wanting” to go (where that wasn’t common or an expectation in my family). But from here it looks more like investing more in one kid led to investing more in the same kid.
I was the disfavored child. Besides going no-contact with the offending parent and largely ignoring the favored sibling, I focus on moving forward with the adult life I want. I also chose to have an only child.
Yup, to the point that the inheritance is even set up to favor golden child’s siblings over mine – that one stings even more. The best solution I’ve found is to remind myself that I don’t want to be the adult dependent on parental support and that I’m proud of the life I’ve built. Do I say this through gritted teeth sometimes? Yep.
I’d also advise you to do some solo work on setting your own boundaries and limits with the favored family member – my parents tried to get me to agree to ‘support’ my sibling (on top of the already mentioned unequal split of the estate) and I shut that down hard and fast.
My sibling may think I’m the favorite because I had an easy time at school and had a lot of recitals and awards ceremonies that my parents went to. Otherwise, they didn’t do anything other than be in a carpool to symphony practice in middle school. I worked for spending $ starting in middle school, never had a car, and had to come home to crappy summer jobs in college.
Sibling had her share of awards ceremonies but also never had to work and got a car and was sent on all sorts of study abroad or summer programs and never had to come home in the summer. Got married and then needed some antique family furniture and periodic handouts that continue decades later. I still didn’t have a matching set of towels then.
To a point, I get treating different kids differently, but we aren’t even 3 years apart, so it’s not like my parents fell into money or anything.
This was my dynamic too. Worked plenty of crappy jobs, paid for my own car (and insurance as a super young driver), cut off completely by parents around 22. Sibling took a lot of time to “find herself” and is in her late thirties, still on the parents’ cell phone plan. Always hated hearing, well you could take care of yourself so we didn’t need to support you as much as your sister. How did I come to terms with it? Still working on it but distance and chosen family are wonderful.
Oh my god every time I hear that I ‘didnt need’ help I want to launch my mother out the window. I did need help, but I knew I would never get it so I figured it out myself. Having zero safety net is a hell of a motivator.
“Need” is often subjective and not the only consideration.
me too.
You’re right, it wasn’t about need it was about my lack of pen1s
That was me.
I worked through the whole range of emotions: anger, hurt, more hurt, a lot of “I could never do that to my daughter and I don’t understand why they think so little of me to do it to me,” all of that.
After that subsided, I began to accept the idea that it is wholly a reflection of what bad people they are. That didn’t occur in a vacuum; it runs alongside a LOT of other dysfunctional and domineering traits.
The reasons for me being the black sheep? It says a lot about the personality traits they value. Two preferred siblings are backstabbing, cruel, and basically soulless. One other crapped-on sibling is a smart man, a hard worker, genuinely kind, lacks a mean bone in his body. Maybe what resonates with our parents/stepparents’ souls is actually the meanness?
I moved far away and became hyper independent. It’s certainly not healthy but I rely only on myself.
This doesn’t answer your question and I apologize if it’s a hijack in any way…but I have a response both as a parent and a child.
As a parent, I have a kid that is the hardest kid to raise. She’s neurodivergent in a way that makes her just not…outwardly warm or kind or nice. We love her, but she is often the one the entire family has to accommodate. We work hard not to play favorites and we talk openly about different people needing different things because I really don’t want any of my kids looking back and feeling they were “the favorite” (or the not-favorite). I have a lot more in common with my other kids than with this kiddo but we talk openly about it and try to find common interests.
As the child, my parents were pretty equal. As we got to the teen years my siblings were complete messes and failures to launch. Honestly, at 40 one still is. My parents coddle her in a way that made me take some big steps back from them in terms of our relationship.
I have a ND kid also. My goal is for kid to be able to work and be self-supporting, and I think it’s reasonable as a goal. It may feel that the funds used to pursue these goals feel unfair to the other kid/s, but they are benefitted if they don’t have an adult sibling they need to care for or financially support after I’m gone. They are all old enough and aware enough that they know “today we are doing this thing for [you, Tina, Catlin, Wilm] and another day it may be someone else’s turn or event.” They’ve all had their struggles, but launching a bright ND kiddo is something where you are building the plane as you fly it.
But isn’t that “needs more got more”? I guess it depends on if the other sibling still feels supported or not
I think it’s a hard needle to thread on this. Yes, needs more gets more. But the other kids can’t feel like they were ignored or didn’t matter or “needs more got all.”
I have a sibling who can suck all of the oxygen out of a room and don’t want having one kids with different needs make the others feel like their needs don’t also matter. Each of them has had a turn with something happening in their lives that took precedence for family resource planning ($, rides, travel, parental time off work for medical issues, etc.). But one is permanent whereas the others have not been.
I think it’s a hard needle to thread on this. Yes, needs more gets more. But the other kids can’t feel like they were ignored or didn’t matter or “needs more got all.”
I have a sibling who can suck all of the oxygen out of a room and don’t want having one kids with different needs make the others feel like their needs don’t also matter. Each of them has had a turn with something happening in their lives that took precedence for family resource planning ($, rides, travel, parental time off work for medical issues, etc.). But one is permanent whereas the others have not been.
In this type of situation I think it’s vital for the parents to spend time with just the non-ND kids so that every event or outing doesn’t have to revolve around accommodating the ND one.
I’m the favored child. The result is that essentially every burden of parental aging has been and is on me, for three of my four parents. My siblings get to visit for short times on their own schedule and have purely social interactions that are probably a bit of a struggle on both sides, and my bio sister gets to just opt out of any consistent communication with one bio parent and all communication with the other “for her mental health” and because her part-time job working retail is just too overwhelming for her to find the time. I go when there is a crisis, or when there is a project, or when there is a holiday, and I handle all the paperwork and legal and medical and logistics they can’t do themselves.
Yes that’s how it works, if parents want to neglect some of their kids those kids can go low/no contact. Parents aren’t entitled to their children’s labor.
I see I triggered something for you, and maybe your situation was bad. But my sister wasn’t neglected, or at least she was only neglected by the same parent who neglected me, but she was mostly in college by that point. She frustrates the heck out of them and so they do not really enjoy each other’s company. She was and always will be treated the same financially, in fact better now bc she has expenses of visiting covered if she ever does. And she was the needier so got more attention kid. She gives almost nothing in return, including even symbolic gifts or a card or a call or even a timely returned text message about something like “Where should I direct your annual gift?” and “Did you receive the $15,000 I sent?”
I’m not the Anon above; I’m just going to say that if you’re the favoured child, there are long term emotional repercussions that aren’t fixed by your parents throwing a plane ticket or cash her way.
I understand that, but it isn’t a free pass to be ungrateful and rude and unhelpful and selfish. I mean, she can be and is all of those things, but she doesn’t get to escape my frustration for that just because she is emotionally fragile.
So were you the favorite child or not? Were you treated differently growing up? You say she wasn’t neglected, but you don’t say whether you treated the same.
Parents can be crappy to all their children, and then it’s their children’s decision whether to forgive them and take care of them in old age. Just because you decided to do that, doesn’t mean that your sister has an obligation to take care of her parents, especially if they treated her poorly as a child
I wasn’t favored in the sense of getting more resources and attention. My parents clearly like me better, and I had more outward markers of “success”, so there were more accolades and celebrations for me. There were and are a lot more negative interactions for her than for me. So my parents would much prefer my company and they also know (and she acknowledges) that smy sister is unreliable. So the end result is more burden on me.
You seem to have inherited your parents’ lack of empathy for your sister.
OMG do you hear yourself? No wonder your sister has distanced herself.
To be clear, my sister has not distanced herself from me. She likes me. She wants to spend time with me. I am nice to her and I do recognize that she has difficult relationships with our parents (as I have articulated here). That does not mean I don’t also feel the reality that it means all of the child-parent relationship burden is on me. That is both a decision my parents have made and a decision she has made. And yes, I have chosen to take up the slack instead of also leaving 80+ year olds to solely fend for themselves. She does not want our parents left unattended, she just can’t bring herself to participate because everything is all too overwhelming (which is pretty much the basis for the friction in the first place). I think the disfavored children could also use a little empathy and see that your feelings and decisions to “distance” (i.e., abandon/abdicate) have real consequences for people who did not create the situation and there is a level of selfishness here, the consequences of which you are willing to cast onto others. If you assume the rest of us don’t have any negative feelings about childhood and parental relationships, you are really self-focused. Some of us are just sucking it up so everyone gets some care.
Stop blaming your sister for her boundaries in the face of your parents’ bad decisions.
Not my family of origin. My sisters and I are all convinced we were my mother’s favorite.
But my in laws. My dh is by far the favorite (and eldest), and the unfairness of it all is crazy. There are also favorite grandchildren and it’s really insane. I’ve managed to establish pretty good relationships with my dh’s siblings and their spouses, but there is a lot of unexplored and unsettled trauma there. It’s taken a lot of work and a lot of years. My dh feels bad and he deeply regrets that he will never be as close to his siblings as he would like to be. (Mind you, dh is 70 and his siblings are in their 60s and late 50s — this isn’t young adults being launched into the world and working things out).
Yeah…. childhood scars are long lasting.
My father favored me, my mother favored the youngest, which explains a lot about the middle child and who she still is today.
My aunt was 1000% my grandfather’s favorite, so my dad was my grandmother’s favorite. It was a family of two, so things probably would have been fine with that dynamic, EXCEPT that my grandmother died when the kids were in their early 20s and my grandfather died when they were in their late 50s/early 60s, so there was a long, long time of my aunt enjoying favorite child status while my dad did not.
I don’t think my parents have a favorite, but I was definitely easier (eldest daughter…) as my brother struggled a lot in school with his learning differences and thus got a lot of attention. I have the same learning differences but hid it better / was more successful academically despite them and there was definitely resentment on my end about how much focus he got (not that this was focus he wanted – he was very much under the microscope). I needed a lot of help too, but being the eldest daughter no one knew.
My younger sister always got extra resources to help her “catch up” to me. Why did she need to catch up? Simply because she was younger. My father, who had been the youngest of five, couldn’t stand watching his little darling having to wait a few years to be able to do the same things his horrible older child could do. The worst was when they got her private music lessons so she could “catch up” to me but wouldn’t let me have them, when I was the one who needed and deserved them because I was actually quite talented and motivated and needed private lessons to be able to advance.
I feel like I’d give to both or none but not to one if there was interest on the part of both kids.
I don’t think the younger one should get the same thing as the older one, or more than the older one, at the same time. Give both kids piano lessons starting at age 9. Don’t start older one at age 9 and younger at age 6.
I think resentment can build regardless. My older child complains nonstop about the fact that it isn’t fair that we make her do things her brother doesn’t have to do and resents the hell out of him for not having the same level “homework” or extracurriculars. We do our best to explain why they have different expectations (for example, she is supposed to read at least twice as much as him after school but that’s literally her min from school and his absolute max), but it doesn’t matter to her – it’s that we “treat him better.” I truly hope that she doesn’t grow up with these kinds of grievances but sometimes even when you work to avoid them, I think they are at least a little inevitable.
But you give her more privileges, too, correct? The problem is when the older child has more responsibility but doesn’t get concomitant privileges.
@12:25 – yes but she doesn’t appreciate them as such. She’s a great kid but definitely my more difficult child.
I would give both kids basic music lessons starting at an identical age, not at the same time. Then I would give the talented one appropriate opportunities such as youth orchestra, camps, better teachers, etc. that wouldn’t even be options for the less talented one.
That’s also pretty bad. Assuming you can afford it, whoever wants those opportunities and can get in should be offered them. Try out and make the Orchestra, then I will make sure you can get to the practices
Exactly–whoever gets in gets to take advantage of the special opportunity. I’m not going to keep the talented one from participating in youth orchestra or a camp because it’s “not fair” that the less talented one doesn’t get in (which is what my parents did).
My parents didn’t really have favorites, but I was my maternal grandmother’s favorite by a lot. I wish my mom had stepped in more to protect my sister. It wasn’t like I inherited Blackacre or something, but my maternal grandmother was very harsh with my sister and that wasn’t OK.
I thought I was my paternal grandfather’s favorite until we had a joint vacation with my cousins. Turns out the only boy of the generation was the actual favorite. I really resented that because my boy cousin was a total PITA to the rest of the cousins and he already had his mom stepping in every five seconds to defend her little angel. Blech.
Yes – although honestly, I have much less angst about it than many people here seem to feel. My sister was the pretty, social, cheerleader type and she and my mom are two peas in a pod. I was quiet and spent my time with my nose in a book. In retrospect this was probably in part to take myself out of competition with her. I do not doubt I was loved, if not understood. I also do not doubt that if you gave my parents truth serum and forced them to pick between us, they would not pick me. Her achievements and interests aligned with theirs and mine did not. But I love my sister. I certainly do not blame her, and I do not even really blame my parents.
It is hard to know how this would have played out as adults. My sister has a child with disabilities so severe that she will never live independently or be self-supporting and my parents’ emotional and financial resources are dedicated to helping with her. All I can do is look at my own healthy child and be thankful I do not need them as much as my sister does. Life is not fair and I am not inclined to spend my emotional energy on resenting that fact.
I think I would have a much different relationship with my golden child sibling if real life had knocked them down like your sister. Instead my brother got a free house (without any kids, which tbh is shocking I expected and ooopsie from him)
I realize you probably did not mean it this way, but my sister did not do anything wrong in being the “golden child” and did not need for life to knock her down. And my relationship with her was good, if not super close, and I was free of resentment before she went through the unimaginable tragedy of having her newborn daughter suffer a hemorrhagic stroke.
My sister and my parents are very similar. She was easier to parent than I was. If my parents had been a couple of ivory tower academics, I would probably have been the favored child. But she is who she is; I am who I am; and my parents are who they are. I could spend my life stewing in resentment, but that way lies misery.
I mention her daughter only because there are definitely circumstances where one child’s needs are enough greater that it is completely rational for the parents to give that child more. Is it “fair” than my parents will leave their estate in a trust for my niece? No. But it is not fair that she is blind, will never walk without assistance or graduate from high school either. Life is not fair, relationships do not balance perfectly, and sometimes people are imperfect.
Yes both as a child and as a parent.
It’s hard. As an adult what helped me was to write down the things in my control. I have it in my phone and will look at it if I’m having a hard time.
I used therapy to try and address the low confidence and it didn’t really work well. What helped me was challenging myself fitness wise and academically. Telling myself that I’m beautiful and being told I’m amazing felt hollow. It works for some, it just didn’t work for me.
I have a hard time with rejection. It makes me feel insecure. I always go back Jocko Willink with his ‘Good’ talk. It works for me. He is a bit much but he is very right about rejection being a good thing.
Any tips for morning anxiety? I don’t feel anxious during the day, but I keep waking up an hour or an hour and a half before my alarm goes off suddenly out of really stressful dreams and then I have trouble settling my mind down again.
Have you tried morning meditation?
I had this in grad school. Some of the therapists suggestion were: have a calming nightly routine possibly including journaling or something to get the anxieties out. Also start your morning with a good routine (this really worked) including some time to yourself before diving into work. Having your favorite coffee or tea, take some time to do something you like.It somehow helped to know I was waking up to do something I liked, not immediately getting to work.
What and when are you eating before bed?
Exercise is the only thing that works for me.
one of the best stress/anxiety relievers…
Don’t know if this applies to you, but for me, exactly what you describe was my main perimenopause symptom. Breathing exercises helped me get back to sleep.
I live in NYC burbs and taking my kids to see tbe rockettes this long weekend. Any recs on what to do with a 6 and 11 year old? Some of their favorites in NYC have been sloomo, ice cream museum, all the toy stores. And also any good lunch places?
I always liked going to Juniors for lunch when my parents would take me to Times Square/Broadway shows (also from the NYC suburbs :)).
Bryant Park (right near Radio City) has a giant outdoor market, skate ring and merry go round. My kids are fans and insist on visiting when we are near. There is an FAO Schwartz and Lego store nearby too. Holiday windows are up already too.
Or head downtown a bit to the Harry Potter store (23rd street). My kids love it (and always want to get the butter beer ice cream). There is another Lego Store there as well.
For lunch – depends on where you’re coming from. The original Burger Joint is still fun and my kids love it when we’re in the area, and it’s close enough to Radio City. Same with PJ Clarke’s – there’s one on the east side in the 50s and one by Lincoln Center, both reasonably close depending on which way you want to go.
You can also just grab something from one of the vendors in Bryant Park – tons of options.
Another NYC local, and I agree with these recs.
My 8 and 11yo kids love Schnippers.
I’m a fed and so afraid of the next administration. I don’t think my job will get cut, but I’m afraid of the planned cuts and how they will affect the DC area. I’m also super not looking forward to RTO. Just ughhh.
Also a fed, in an extremely rural area that’s already under-resourced. I guess the folks we serve will get what they voted for, but so will those who didn’t. Likewise with my coworkers, who wholeheartedly are in favor of whatever Elon/Vivek/DOGE spit out on the daily. Despite being federal employees just like me.
I picked up my life and moved cross country for this job and take threats to my livelihood seriously. I am worried.
I’m a fed, and worried about those things too. I am doubtful of their ability to actually terminate existing employees but expect that we will effectively have a hiring freeze. Heck, we have unofficially had one this last year because of budget constraints. And so as people retire or quit, no one new is going to be hired.
How were your departments affected when Trump was in office before?
If Trump follows through on what he had said (which is a very big if), he plans to treat federal workers very differently then he did in his first term. He also had guardrails that are no longer there – the moderate republicans in the Senate have basically all quit because they wouldn’t be reelected or lost primaries
This is gory (to me), but has anyone had surgery to strip their sinus mucosa? I’ve had sinus surgery, a revision, a stent, and more surgery (and various vacuuming procedures in between), and maybe another septoplasty (losing track). I was good for a few years until a couple of months ago, where one side just went to hell. Apparently the mcosa on that side is grossly infected (I saw the CT scan) and the doctor wants to strip it out and let it regrow as new healthy tissue.
Has anyone had it? What is what even like and how back is the healing? And how much time off from work do you really need?
Thank you!
Do the men in your life read for pleasure?
My husband, brother, and BILs do, and my dad did (RIP), but looking around at our friends, I’m realizing that our female friends almost all read quite a lot, while very few of our male friends do. Wondering if this is a quirk of our circles or fairly common.
Yes, but they’re much more likely to read news papers and magazines and non fiction than my girlfriends who are all fiction addicts.
My husband is a much bigger reader than I am. He also has a long train commute and in my experience it’s pretty common among railroad commuter.
Yes, they do. Though my DH wasn’t a big book reader until the past couple of years. He has always read articles and kept up with the news, however.
Yes, my brother, father and husband all read, although my husband is exclusively audio books. Unlike the women in our family though, there’s no gifting of books and very little discussion about what they’re reading. I just know that they do!
The men I know tend to read much more non-fiction than the women I know. But I only know one or two men who don’t read for pleasure.
My husband reads, but not as much as I do. I gift him a book for every gifting holiday (Christmas, father’s day, birthday) and he’ll read those and he may pick up 1-2 others during the year.
My dad reads.
My BIL and FIL do NOT. My FIL often talks about how he hated being given books as a kid at Christmas.
Nearly of the men whom I actually like happen to be readers.
Yes. My son is not currently in a reading phase as a college senior who also works a pretty rigorous job, but he was a voracious reader when he was younger and I am sure he will get back to it.
My husband wasn’t a reader as a younger man but it making his way diligently through a 100 books you should read before you die. We’ve had some good discussions. He read Cannery Row recently, which is one of my all time favorites and then we went down to Monterey and just enjoyed being there.
Yes, although husband is dyslexic so reading is a challenge. To this day, he still gets a personal pan pizza from pizza hut when he finishes a book.
I love that.
This is awesome.
I’d say my male friends read less than my female friends. Quite a few learning differences, including dyslexia, run through my family so it’s pretty much those who can read easily read for fun and those who can’t don’t – so my dad and I read a bunch and my mom and brother don’t and that pattern seems to extend across my extended family.
Many of my female friends consider reading a hobby and do it nearly daily – some read like 100 books a year and some read like 20 but we’re all what I’d consider avid readers. I have one male friend who I know doesn’t read, a few male friends whose reading habits I don’t know, and a few male friends who read enough to chat about the books they’re reading (and one is in a book club) but I don’t know if that’s 5 books a year or 20 or 100.
I would say that my male friends are, with a few exceptions, more up on the news (both traditional news, and of course sports news) than my female friends – whether they’re getting that through reading or podcasts I don’t know. I pretty much only have one female friend who I can have in-depth current events discussions with, most of my female friends follow the news more surface level.
One thing that I think is cool among my friends is that many of us have in depth interests and hobbies we spend a good amount of time on, and that is across both genders. And, many of us have these hobbies / interests that aren’t what you’d expect – for example, one of my friends is definitely broey but last time I saw him he was telling me about his garden – totally unexpected!
My father and step father read mostly thrillers and mysteries. Step has a stack of 4 or 5 next to his chair that refreshes every few weeks. my father is a 1 library book at a time person. My brother does mostly audio books.
I read mostly fanfiction at this point, the equivalent of 1-2 novels a week. And a physical book maybe once a month.
Although I’m a reader, I think there’s too much focus on “being a reader = good, not being a reader = bad”. Reading shows intellectual curiosity and being open to learning things and an interest in not being ignorant, but there are several ways to get information and it doesn’t have to come from reading.
Most men I know don’t read novels, but will read the news or magazines or listen to audiobooks or listen to podcasts about their interests.
+1 – I think a lot of readers see reading as a virtuous hobby and look down on non-readers. I read a good bit (usually two books a month or so), but I feel as long as people aren’t willfully ignorant and have some intellectual curiosity and don’t stay in their echo chamber does it really matter how they get information and get exposed to different viewpoints (as long as its not disinformation!)?
This.
I feel the opposite! I love to read but whenever I mention something I’ve read (and I swear, it is just casual/passing mention relevant to the current topic!!!) someone inevitably chimes in with, “Oh my god. How do you have time to read? I would love to have that much free time.” It always feels super judge-y.
I feel like people think the “readers” are reading intellectual or informative books, but lets be real – there are a lot more people reading smut than there are reading War and Peace
Reading smut is still more intellectual than scrolling Instagram or YouTube.
I don’t agree, but I’m open to have my mind changed. Once we’re adults and all good readers, I don’t think reading is by default better (of course, this is different for kids learning to read who need practice). But, if you’re reading A Court of Thorns and Roses or you’re watching a YouTube how to video or documentary type video or are on a recipe Instagram – I don’t think that reading is “better” or “more intellectual”.
If you’re reading smut or are on YouTube watching silly videos, sure reading is probably “better”, but I know too many people who will say reading smut > informative YouTube and I don’t agree with that.
Reading builds attention span. Scrolling/watching short clips on any topic fragments it. Reading a whole book builds stamina; watching YouTube reinforces the idea that when you are bored you can just go to the next thing.
I only ever read a chapter at a time, so it obviously depends on how you read and how you watch YouTube (plenty of folks will watch a 30-60 min episode on something).
Reading is not a virtue.
As a, I guess you’d call me a capital-a Reader, I don’t think that at all. I mean, you are possibly very right, but when I think of a “reader,” when I’m talking to someone about books (often), that’s not who I’m thinking of.
Series like Fourth Wing and ACOTAR are wildly, wildly popular. I bet you know more people who are reading them than you think
My husband hasn’t read a novel in years, but he spends so much time on Wikipedia and watching documentaries and educational YouTube. I do worry that the algorithmic content bakes in biases worse than books, but I didn’t have data to support that conjecture.
OP here. I wasn’t implying this at all. Asking because my spouse was brainstorming ways to make new guy friends, but when I suggested a book club, we realized that we don’t know many guys who read recreationally. Not a judgment on other hobbies in the slightest.
I’m going to be the voice of descent, I don’t know any men who read especially amongst the high achieving finance/law/consulting bros.
Same.
I work surrounded by these bros and the ones in my circle universally read. All genres, fiction and non, but they are all readers.
Same here.
I have to brag on my future son in law a little. He was never a reader. Since he came into our lives, he first got into manga, and more recently has gotten into science fiction.
Last year I asked this place for book ideas for him for Christmas and at y’all’s recommendation, I got him Project Hail Mary, which he LOVED.
More recently, I took him to the local library here and helped him get his first grown up library card, gifted him a Kindle for his birthday, and now he’s all set up with Libby and is going HAM on the Isaac Asimov back catalog. It has been so so fun having a budding enthusiastic reader in my life. Books are what we have in common now (aside from my daughter, of course!) and he keeps me updated about what he’s reading and what he likes about it. Highly recommend!
My dad used to read for pleasure but not so much anymore. DH reads fiction voraciously. His father (RIP) read fiction, non-fiction and news, and he did the daily crossword puzzle in ink.
One of our neighbors reads a lot of speculative fiction but recently got his first Western novel published. He can’t read in the genre he writes in so he avoids borrowing plot elements.
Yes, my husband was an English major and reads more than I do for fun.
My father is a big reader. I have a kid (girl!) who Does Not Like To Read. I feel like I have failed. I would read a cereal box (and have! all of them!).
My dad reads on the beach in the summer (fiction) and maybe one book over the course of the rest of the year but reads the news every day.
My brother was never a reader until recently, but he finally found a book he could get into and now reads a handful of books a year. He listens to a lot of podcasts on a variety of topic.
I would say that they are both so knowledgeable about a wide variety of topics. We play a lot of trivial pursuit as a family, and they both seem to know everything and handidly win. I then go and play trivial pursuit with my well educated, intellectually curious friends and I beat them easily.
My uncles are the stereotypical older man who read a lot of WWII non-fiction and read the newspaper (hardcopy) every day.
To contrast, I read about 20-30 books a year – probably 2/3 fiction (thrillers and “better” chick lit – nothing high brow but also not Colleen Hoover, Elin Hilderbrand or Emily Henry – think more Kristin Hannah, Kate Quinn, Ruth Ware) and 1/3 non-fiction, purely on topics that interest me and I read the news / listen to current event podcasts for probably 30-45 mins a day. My mom does not read at all, but watches the local news every day. My aunts like the Elin Hilderbrands and Kristin Hannahs and Mary Higgins Clarks.
My girlfriends all read a good bit – all the popular books / authors (so all of the ones mentioned above, Carly Fortune, Sally Hepworth, etc) – basically if it’s from the Book of the Month Club or Reese Witherspoon or Jenna Bush Hager’s book club, my friends are reading it. Most female friends don’t read non fiction.
My male friends read, but probably less than my female friends. More likely to read nonfiction or very popular sci fi stuff (Dune). Seem to follow the news, sports, and stuff related to their hobbies more – whether that’s via articles, podcasts, youtube, etc. Hobbies are all over the place for my male and female friends, but it definitely seems like the guys consume more media related to their hobbies. Many of my female friends follow the news, but not in depth – mostly via the Skimm or something like that and then if they’re article or podcast people its more what I’d call “trendy women focused” so things like the Everygirl website or the U Up podcast rather than news or hobby ones – female friends seem to mostly get hobby info via Instagram.
my father has always read for pleasure and listens to a lot of audiobooks and podcasts on very thinky subjects like genetics. i think it’s less common among men in their 30s/40s though, just because they don’t have the time. my husband doesn’t read very much.
My stepdad read all the paperback fiction, mostly detective stories. My husband will read parts of whatever nonfiction book he just purchased. My son excelled in science during school but never wanted to read fiction. I was so disappointed that our Florida schools don’t bother assigning whole novels anymore. I think he was asked to read maybe 4 books during his middle and high school years. I used to read voraciously but stopped after law school. It is a weird guilt that if I am reading, it should be transcripts or case law. But I can waste time on social media. Go figure.
…wait schools don’t assign kids full books anymore?! In what world!!!
In our Virginia school district, students do read full books but the entire class is not allowed to read and discuss the same book except in AP and IB courses. Teachers have to let kids pick their own books and there’s no group discussion.
WTF? I thought VA had good schools.
What do they spend class time in English class doing if not discussing books?
They sit and read.
Maybe Northern Virginia has good schools, but in the red parts of the state Moms for Liberty etc. have captured the school boards and demanded the dumbing-down of the curriculum.
They discuss the boring exerpts and write five paragraph essays in class.
Many schools do not; apparently it’s a test prep thing? Since students are tested on short passages, all they need to be able to read to take tests are short passages. Some teachers are frustrated by this; others defend it as a concession to changing times (why should their students be able to read long form texts when video is readily available, etc.).
I am a strong proponent of a liberal arts education and the idea that the purpose of education is twofold: to prepare for the future (college, careers, tech school, whatever it may be) AND to create a knowledgeable, well-rounded populace. How can you do the second part without reading full books? Literature is such an excellent companion to history, as it provides context to what’s being learned in social studies classes (I’m a proponent of English and social studies teachers coordinating on this). Books provide such an immersive look into a viewpoint, point in time, or other context that paragraphs and passages do not.
It’s very hard to write well without reading a variety of formats. English classes should teach fiction and non-fiction, prose and poetry, short stories and novels in a variety of styles.
While I think, in general, schools do a poor job of choosing books that students like and will encourage a love of reading, there’s always a book or two a year that the kids like. Very few kids will choose reading over other leisure activities, so books being read for class exposes them to a variety of authors and titles and genres, you never know what will inspire them to keep reading.
Finally, even if school is entirely job prep, many, many jobs (at all levels! and all collars!) require being able to read, analyze, synthesize, and understand longer passages.
My kid (7th grade) has a writing assignment due every week in English class. Length varies, and occasionally they’ll work on the same assignment a few weeks in a row, but usually its a new assignment each week. It’s assigned on Monday, due on Friday, and on the kids to manage their time around it. Usually 3-5ish pages. It’s always a different style – responding to some prompt, a short story, a set of poems, nonfiction, essay, fictional short story, practice using some literary device they’re studying, etc. Kids get extra credit if they read a portion of their work aloud – so they get practice public speaking and being up in front of a crowd.
They read I think roughly one book a month, but also do units on short stories and poetry (they have an anthology of each that they’ll go back and forth between novels and the anthologies). Books are a mix of the English class classics and things that align with what they’re learning in social studies.
There’s also grammar units throughout (there’s a textbook! and graded exercises!), each trimester they do a book report (book is read on their own time in addition to homework). Book report is verbal and written – so another writing assignment and a class presentation. Finally, they do weekly Wordly Wise.
I work in Comms and strongly, strongly believe the best way to become a good writer (and public speaker) is by DOING IT so I am thrilled that they’re getting lots of practice.
No. They assign excerpts from books, and “informational” text. My son was in honors classes and still was not expected to read. They want them to be able to read short passages and bubble in answers on the state test. It is all test prep and rich discussions about Hamlet don’t help them learn to take the test. I really hoped that a teacher would spark his interest but it never happened. This is the common core way. (I am a progressive who sees common core as doing the bidding of corporations. Another story entirely and I refer you to United Opt Out if you want to know more. I am not asking for your opinion or argument on Common core). Because my son excelled in science, we did not put him in AP English Literature for his senior year as we expected it to be overwhelming. The teacher told me he was surprised since I apparently had such an interest in the classics. Um, no sir. I have a basic interest in seeing high school kids read great literature (classics included). I asked why high school students had to take a COLLEGE CLASS in order to get a basic education in English Lit? Never got an answer. While I am on my rant, I went to the battle of the bands, an annual central Florida showcase of HBCU marching bands. The Georgia schools blew all the Florida bands away in terms of music, marching, and costumes. Florida is the pit of the country. So, of course, Trump is picking our politicians for his cabinet. *end rant*
as a former marching band nerd, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate “AND THEIR MARCHING BANDS ARE SUB-PAR!” as the last straw for Florida. 🤣
+1 to 2:21. And anecdotally I have observed a correlation between the quality of arts programs and the quality of academic programs in public schools.
lol, you made me laugh at myself, Anon at 2:21. I am an extreme marching band nerd and a true believer in the arts as the best way to reduce crime and violence. Band was my solace when I was in high school.
My husband doesn’t read often, but he’s one of those people who will get hooked on a series occasionally and stick with it all the way through. He listens to audiobooks on his commute. Dad and FIL read a lot of investing stuff and right wing conspiracy theories. Brother…likes high fantasy but I don’t think he reads for pleasure much anymore. I have one friend/former coworker who reads a ton of interesting nonfiction, it is one of the main reasons I enjoy his company.
The rest…not so much. I never thought about it before, but the women in my life are much, much bigger readers than the men. Many men I work with are vocal that they Do Not Read, like it’s something to be proud of (which, IMO, it is not)
About half and half. My dad and brother have always been readers–Dad like stuff like John Grisham, brother likes historical nonfiction. My husband reads some, but not as much, mostly sci-fi or nonfiction. My males friends are a mixed batch-some do, some don’t. The ones that don’t are pretty into video games instead.
My husband fluctuates between reading non-fiction in the Secret History of Whatever genre and manga or comic books. He has read a lot of classic lit as an adult, but doesn’t actively read it these days.
I’m a big reader and met him when he read more widely and that was one of the things I loved about him. It sucks that there’s not much intersect in what we are reading anymore.
A friend’s husband is a writer and also a voracious reader, but the rest of the husbands in my circle don’t seem to read (and the wives read very little if at all).
I have a male coworker who is always reading classic or obscure lit by dead white men, usually in a very aged paperback or a hardcover Collected Works of edition that he carries around with him. It’s kind of pretentious but I like seeing what he reads.
My father (long since dead) liked buying books, as long as they were $1 or less each. There were no other selection criteria and I don’t think he ever read any them. The house was covered in floor to ceiling bookshelves with books, the majority of which were of no interest to anyone. It took me a decade after his death to come to terms with owning more than 2ish books that I haven’t read — it still makes me feel slightly antsy.
Pretty much all of the men I know read books, and I would say that on average in addition to reading books they also read more news/articles as noted below. My husband does (SciFi only), his friends from college do (they have a pretty intense book club that meets over Zoom every 2 weeks), my boss does (heavy on the literary side), my brother does (business books/biographies primarily), my dad reads a suspense book for 15 minutes a day, my male best friend from law school reads biographies, etc.
My dad reads a good bit, usually hefty classics and non-fiction tomes. My husband reads a lot of articles everyday but listens to fantasy, including romantasy, while he works on home renovation projects.
Most of my other male friends and relatives read fewer books and more articles, and those who read books also read a lot more self-help focused on business, biography, pop science, fiction that’s very literary, and science fiction. The women are more likely to read books than long articles, more likely to read any fiction except science fiction, and are more likely to read memoir and self-help focused on personal improvement.
is this the dumbest branding ever? The Fold is calling their Belleville top “workout performance tops” – https://thefoldlondon.com/product/workout-performance-belleville-top-toffee-stretch-twill/?glCountry=US&setCurrencyId=2&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAiA3ZC6BhBaEiwAeqfvysIK4SKq134RDHqhLotQDmgf58pOIiqE4ejEfzeR94b7JVI6HPijIBoC-_8QAvD_BwE
I’m trying to imagine the looks I would get at my gym if I was wearing that with leggings and sneakers on the treadmill at 5 AM.
You would definitely have to pair it with the matching trousers.
I think it’s for MI-5 / “Spooks” costume directors. Can your spies sprint all-out in office gear? Yes, if they wear this.
I take this to mean the material, rather than the purpose of the top? Athletic material non-athletic clothing has been around for several years by now.
i think they mean it because you can wear it “to work or out so it’s a high performing top!” but … yeah.
They don’t advertise it that way, and I agree it’s an odd name considering the growing overlap between athleisure and professional wear.
“Our workout collection is crafted from four-way stretch Italian twill, so it’s supremely comfortable but seriously smart. Wear it to work, dinner and everything in between.”
D’oh sorry, I see you wrote “work or out” and not “work or workout” as my brain read your comment. So, I 100% agree with you, 11:13!
A separate acetate + polyester lining doesn’t sound particularly wicking or sweat friendly to me, though I’ve never worn this top.
I see the similarity between that and a lot of what Athleta offers, to be honest.
Athleta calls it wear-to-work, though. Not athletic wear.
But Athleta is a sports clothing company so they need to distinguish it in that way.
I have that top and it’s beautiful in person. It definitely reads more blazer/v structured top than the picture suggests. I love that the material is stretchy but thick enough that it doesn’t look stretchy: it doesn’t pull, the material doesn’t thin out where it’s stretched, it’s forgiving of lumps and bumps. I’m short and busty and high waisted and this is top is perfection for me. I wish they’d show it on women shaped like me and not tall thin women that this shaped garment doesn’t really flatter. I’m so glad you posted this because I definitely want to snag another while they’re on sale!
To respond to another commenter, in person it looks NOTHING like the Athleta “wear to work” pieces that look fine-ish as pictured online but in person you can immediately tell they’re athleisure material from across the room.
Ugh. I got my dad a new non-apple non-chromebook computer. It wants to save everything to the cloud. He wants to save local. We got the MS Office suite on it but how the hell do we save local. “Save as” is not a thing on it. There is plenty of memory.
can you change the default settings within each browser? for some reason i find it easier to “pin” folders than the desktop in general. i HATE that mine keeps trying to save crap to OneDrive. You could also put a shortcut to the desktop into OneDrive.
Non-Apple non-Chromebook = Windows? If so, it sounds like your dad is encountering the evolving form of the Microsoft monopoly… Where you have to keep paying them a monthly fee in perpetuity to access your own stuff!
So far, I’ve been able to stay away from their cloud by installing older versions of MS Office, so I haven’t seen the latest version of Office. If they really messed with *local* Office (vs Microsoft 365) to the degree that it no longer allows local saving, then they closed that loop. I was going to say “they’re winning,” but honestly I would force myself to switch to 100% Google Drive before I went with whatever new horrory Microsoft has come up with. Ugggghhh!
I can’t imagine most companies would be ok with their employees saving documents to Microsoft’s cloud. So there must be another way, at least for the corporate version.
I have a Lenovo, and I think I know what you mean. Is this OneDrive? My computer was set up like — to trap you to start paying for extra monthly charges for more storage. It is such a scam. And for privacy reasons alone I only want my stuff on my computer (I back-up externally) and so I was really upset that this was happening without my knowledge.
Honestly, I haven’t transitioned to my new Lenovo partially for this reason! I have been meaning to read online how to evade/remove the program that does this.
Start poking around on Reddit or on the Microsoft websites.
https://support.microsoft.com/en-us/office/turn-off-disable-or-uninstall-onedrive-f32a17ce-3336-40fe-9c38-6efb09f944b0
Does anyone have an espresso pod machine that’s cheaper than a Nespresso that they like? Long story short – not interested in non-pods right now (I have an Aeropress which I like, but not for this) and it’s a short term need / experiment on changing my coffee habits for health reasons so I don’t want to drop the money on a Nespresso if this doesn’t last.
No reccs, as we have a non-pod espresso machine, but I wonder if you could find a Neighbot on a local buy nothing page who has one collecting dust who would be willing to part with theirs short-term.
I love my Nespresso. If this is just about the cost, would it make sense to get a used one on FB marketplace? (Obviously clean it thoroughly and such.) It’s the OG for a reason and anything else might just not be nearly as good.
I’m certainly not opposed to that, but I do wonder – how is the quality that much better? How much does quality matter in something like this? I don’t know much about pod espresso, but Keurig coffee is generally considered to be worse than regular coffee (and I agree), but I haven’t noticed a difference between a Keuring machine and a knockoff vision – its that the pods / method of brewing isn’t as good. I assume it’d be the same with espresso? I see the benefits to a pricey, really nice espresso machine for regular espresso but I don’t know enough to know if there’s a benefit for Nespresso vs another type?
The quality of nespresso is a million times better than any other version of pod coffee. It’s fantastic and worth every penny. And it’s not much more, if even more.
More dumb questions, but it seems like you can use Nespresso pods in non-Nespresso machines – is that still worth the Nespresso machine?
Yeah there are non-nespresso makers, we have one, and it’s great. Just make sure it’s actually for nespresso, obviously!
Strongly agree.
Nespresso brews under rather pressure, similar to a “real” espresso machine. It allows for a different extraction and creates that beautiful crema.
It really is just better than other espresso machines.
I highly doubt that its decent competitors don’t do this too…
Anon at 12:07, since you know so much about pod espresso machines and we are all wrong, why are you asking here?
That should be to Anon at 12:10, sorry.
Voice of dissent – it’s better than Keurig, but it’s not better than real espresso or even a good French press cup. I have one at work for when I’m stuck at my desk but whether it’s for you, really depends on your alternatives.
That’s where ymmv, I dislike French press and real espresso immensely but love my nespresso coffee.
I think the important point, whether you prefer nespresso or espresso, is that they don’t taste the same.
Price it out. Nespresso is about the same as a keurig and is totally worth it.
I bought the cheapest nespresso machine a couple of years ago and it’s holding up well. You can probably find a black Friday deal for less than $100 right now.
Around this time of year, I have paid $99 for one of the low end Nespresso machine packages including the frother. It’s worth looking for deals.
For those who have reduced your phone usage and aren’t big TV people – what do you do when you’re just chilling? I have hobbies and a social life and I’m definitely active most of the time, but I need some “lie on the couch and chill time” which, for me, tends to be Instagram reels or Reddit. I’m not a TV or movie person, so that does nothing for me.
I definitely spend “too much” time on my phone, but is it really worse than watching TV? I figure my phone time is usually either entertaining or informative. If I’m not spending time watching reels or on Reddit, I’m probably online window shopping for something on my wish list or researching recipes – I don’t really see why Reels are worse than that?
And yet, I also feel like I spend too much time wasting time on my phone while lying on the couch. Even “easy” hobbies are sometimes too intensive or they’re not conducive to lying down (I do a lot of crafting, but need to sit up for that, I do read a good bit, but at the end of the day that feels like too much “work” for my brain).
I like to crochet while listening to music or NPR. I can do it sitting up but with my feet up.
I knit, I read, I can do both while listening to an audiobook, I’m that annoying person who likes to do yoga at the end of the day.
Honestly, I just try to balance my consuming hobbies with my generative hobbies and make sure I keep them in balance. TV or phone is almost always consumptive, and I don’t think they’re inherently a problem, but if you’re only ever making stuff for your job then you’re really missing out. But appreciating the stuff other people make is good and valid and gives us ideas.
Algorithm-fed content can also reaffirm existing biases and encourage you to spend more time on your phone than you intended to, but if you aren’t getting sucked into that phone use isn’t some sort of great evil to be avoided.
I knit to audiobooks from Libby. The best.
I read. Hardcover or Kindle (versus kindle app on my phone) so I don’t switch over to social media. And do most of the NYT puzzles daily, including the crossword, which takes a good amount of time later in the week.
I read and FaceTime friends/family!
Like I said, I love reading but it’s not a “zombie brain” activity for me – what do people do for that?
That would be the romantasy smut reading:-)
Go to sleep early. If I’m a zombie, I probably need more rest than anything else.
I read on my laptop or phone.
I posted in the reading thread above that I read mostly fanfic right now. I kind of seperate that reading screen time from other passive scrolling screentime.
podcasts, and music or the radio. Im a big advocate of what i call ‘floor time’. lay on the floor with a playlist or album or a radio and just exist. or ponder the texture of your ceilings. embrace the boredom and wandering thoughts.
Lay down and imagine something:
If I have a project for a hobby I want to work on but dont have the energy for actually doing it, I’ll work on the project in my imagination while laying down (I think I got this from Mans Search for Meaning? Where he imagines every step of building a house in exacting detail).
I dont like actually writing, but I’ll imagine stories or little scenes.
Doing 40 minutes of yoga and just not getting up after corpse pose leads to my best naps.
I read. Lately mostly the romantasy smut someone called out upthread. *Shrug*
I read for pleasure too. I fail to see why my choice of enjoyable reading material is any less worthy than mindless tv or scrolling.
I get tired of the policing of reading behavior, can you tell?
I’m totally the same way. I actually do feel like being on my phone is “worse” than watching TV, because everything is short-form and ultimately makes me feel distracted and agitated. With TV, you’re at least getting immersed in a story and focused on one thing.
I don’t really have answers, but it does help when I invest time in finding a TV show I can watch by myself and really like. Or try longer-form YouTube content! I like travel vlogs and day-in-the-life videos. Maybe it’s not actually better than scrolling, but idk it feels gentler on my brain.
I agree that I feel far more enhanced by watching something in long-form than I do scrolling and watching reels and also less agitated after. I do plenty of both, but I also think that there is something to be said for the curation of TV and movies that helps to ensure that I am watching something with a bit of value. Yes, there are trash TV and stupid movies, but since I am selecting what to watch, rather than relying on unvetted creators and an algorithm to feed me the next thing, I get something that has been handpicked from a sea of scripts, adopted by decent actors and directors, and screened by the studio before it makes it to me, and then I have screened further by crowd sourcing or critic recommendations.
If it’s not a problem for you, then it’s not a problem! No need to change just because people around you are. and you’re right: it’s all just entertainment of some kind. Personally, I find “format” of the entertainment is better or worse for me. For me, short little videos, consumed one after another, becomes deadening. The first 1 to 3 are enjoyable or refreshing, and then the activity turns into something that feels like it’s degrading me in some way (even if the content itself is fine; the format feels like it’s doing something drug-like to my brain). So for me, watching a movie or an hour-long show is definitely a better idea than a hour of scrolling comments or short videos.
Agree if it’s not bothering you then don’t borrow trouble.
For me, phone/tv/tablet time is pretty interchangeable. Part of what is not ideal is the physical and eye strain of screens, part of it is that things are designed to keep me hooked instead of getting off the couch and doing productive things. But whether it’s a game, Pinterest scrolling or endless Netflix, doesn’t really make a qualitative difference. I am just trying to lower the amount of overall screen time, personally.
Puzzles, diamond painting, but mostly laundry
Sorry no one replied – I also want the answer to this. I was thinking maybe magazines! I used to be really into magazines in my 20s and I think it’s a similar thing to a phone in a way. But I also think maybe it’s just practice? In my 20s I didn’t have a phone and somehow I figured out how to chill and lie on the couch.
i have attempted to embrace a steamer because i constantly see how amazing it it…. one despite leaving it open and emptying it there are still little brown fleck in it, i rinsed it out but now i’m supposed to steam all those spores into my clothes? also,not sure if i am doing something wrong but it really doesn’t do much. am i missing something?
The brown flecks are probably mineral build-up, not mold. Are you using distilled water?
I find you have to be right on top of the fabric, tug it down, and pass over it a time or two. And the experience is made infinitely better by a good quality steamer.
Lol those aren’t spores.
I agree that it’s likely minerals not mold – you need to use distilled water or descale it (the same way I have to descale my electric kettle)
My boyfriend of four years and I had a long talk about the future this weekend that culminated in him asking me what kind of ring I’d like, I’m very excited but know nothing about how to answer that and would love the hive’s advice.
Go to a jewelry store and try some on. Consider your lifestyle; I wanted a smaller, protected stone, because I am very athletic.
Very exciting! Check out R-engagementrings (replace the hyphen with a slash). People add photos of their own ring and solicit feedback on how practical or durable the design is. The “about” section on the sub has resources for jewelry lingo. Mysparkly lets you view photos of rings with filters for size, cut, and style. If you’re not familiar with lab grown diamonds do some research. They’re a great way to get a real diamond that doesn’t cost as much as a car.
Buy from a local jeweler. Go in person to see things on your hand (and paint your nails first). Chains and online stores are lower quality and more expensive. Brilliant Earth in particular is known for horrible customer service and flimsy rings.
All of this. Recommend going to a jewelry store with a large selection so you can try on a lot. You don’t necessarily need to buy from that store, but it can help you decide what style you want if you want to go the custom route (I did, highly recommend). If you are willing to say where you are, the hive might have some suggestions!
Know thyself. I know people who asked for the big flashy expensive ring because that’s what they saw on friends/family/media and have been unhappy with it, others who “didn’t want to ask too much” and got a very modest smaller ring and are disappointed in both the ring and themselves for wanting something big and flashy. Diamonds are not the only gems in the world, but be aware how durable other options are before you commit. I’m a big fan of lab created gems over mined ones because they’re affordable and I can still have reasonable assurance that slave labor was not involved.
My two cents is that it’s better to pick something smaller because expensive rings are so easily lost and big stones tend to snag on things. But if that’s what makes you happy, you can always have that big ring for special events and a more modest one for daily wear.
Browse Etsy if you want ideas of things before you go to a physical store. I actually got my ring off Etsy and have been quite happy with it.
Thanks! I am in Philadelphia
Check out Bario Neal and get something cool and custom.
Congrats! I am recently engaged and also had no idea what I liked. I HIGHLY recommend going to a store to physically try rings on – you may be surprised at how rings you liked (or didn’t like) only actually look on you! One of the most helpful stores we went to was Clean Origin – they really walked us through all the nuances and gave us a cheat sheet to take home.
Consider the jewelry you normally wear and gravitate towards. For me, I mainly wear yellow gold (due to my skin tone) and prefer less bling. Note that I do have an active lifestyle, but I just wear a silicone band during activities.
I also kept an album on my phone of friend’s rings I liked and also ones I saw online.
What’s the women’s equivalent of a nice quarter-zip pullover that men wear for business casual days?
A Jenni Kayne sweater.
If that’s the case, then men win again. (Sorry, I’m just really not into that whole vibe.)
I have a few quarter zip sweaters that I like!
I am wearing one right now. It is in absolutely my most flattering shade and so soft. I love it.
A polo sweater? Those seem to be in fashion currently and I don’t and them very easy to wear
I wear crew-neck sweaters that are soft. Both Gap and Old Navy have these right now. I wear Talbot’s 3/4 sleeve bateau-neck shirts underneath, so I look polished if I take them off, but I am so comfy. Recommend.
also, I like Audrey cashmere sweaters from Talbots and the non-wool Teddie sweaters from JCrew Factory. Simple, polished comfy.
Recommendations for nice personalized ornaments? I like Lenox ornaments, but their options for baby’s first christmas aren’t my favorite.
Do you plan to have a real tree?if yes, you can’t get anything too heavy which is basically all of Lenox. I’d start with that.
Etsy. So many beautiful options. I’ve given these as gifts and they’ve been so well received, but they might not be your style. I’m not sure if she could get you one before Christmas now, though.
https://www.etsy.com/shop/DakriSinclair
The enamel frame ornaments from Pottery Barn include one for first Christmas. It’s easy to continue with coordinating frame ornaments for future years, if you choose.
I got a cute ceramic one on etsy that I customized for our son’s first christmas. It has a cozy coupe with a tree on the roof.
I didn’t look into anything sterling or fancier if that’s what you are looking for
I like the Pottery Barn ones. They have a really great Christmas collection generally!
My mother, grandmother, and aunt have died. I am attempting Thanksgiving and an elegant tabletop this year. I have a wood dining table and wood chairs. It seats 6.
Ideally, how long is the “drop” of tablecloth fabric from the table top down the side?
Do you put place mats on top of a tablecloth? I know they can go on the table, but one relative is funny about putting anything directly on wood, so a tablecloth may help avoid comments.
A teen has discovered vivid lipstick. This is not the year to try the white hemstitched napkins, yes?
Also, in your house, do you serve yourself off of the stove and then go to the dining room to eat or put things in serving bowls, take to the dining room, and pass and eat from then? I feel like bird wrangling is better done in the kitchen and have always struggled with getting all items hot and not cooling off too soon if things are in different rooms. Also, dog can counter surf, so I tend to be in the kitchen with the food or have him leashed and at my feet if I’m sitting down to eat.
Placemats v. tablecloth is an either-or situation.
That does not need to be a hard and fast rule.
well, nothing is a hard rule of course but I agree that I would either do placemats or tableclots. If you prefer the look of anchoring a place setting on a tablecloth, there are these large decorative plates (called chargers?? maybe) that go under the dinner plate. Not my thing personally but I think that is their purpose.
I am extra when it comes to table setting. A tablecloth with a runner over it and woven rattan place mats is one of my go to’s.
My family has always treated TG as a buffet spread set up on the most accessible counter, used disposable Chinette dishes, and find whatever seat is available (be it at the dining table, on the ottoman next to the sofa, dragging the mud room bench into the living room). The dog gets put outside for an hour or two if it is not possible to corral him away from the food.
I’m so sorry for your losses.
Please make sure to keep the dog far away from any food. I remember a Thanksgiving at my Aunt’s house with her terribly untrained dog and he jumped on the counter and ate all of my Tofurkey when he was left unattended for 5 minutes.
I think chargers look nicer than placemats. If you own dark colored cloth napkins they’re more practical than white. We always have a buffet set up in the kitchen then people bring their plate back to their seat. Put your dog in a crate or gated in a separate room. That’s one less thing for you to worry about and your guests don’t want a hyper dog at the table.
May their memory be a blessing… Hopefully the hive here can provide the guidance you’re looking for. This is a good reminder for me to ask more questions of my mother, so thank you for that.
I am sorry for your losses, condolences. Get what is called a table pad, and cut it with scissors or kitchen shears to fit your table surface. Then put a tablecloth on top. That is what will protect the surface of your table. You can use a seasonally-colored tablecloth, like orange or green, and you may put place mats on top if you would like. It’s ok to buy fancy, big paper dinner napkins for this meal; Caspari brand is nice for this. If you can put the food in serving bowls and pass them around, that can work nicely, or set out a buffet of food on a sideboard, if you have room. You can also carve the turkey in the kitchen and put the slices on a serving platter to bring out to the dining room. That avoids the counter-surfing dog problem. Enjoy!
This is basically exactly everything I was going to write!
I think this depends on the logistics of your space. With 6 or fewer people, my preference would be to have everything on the dining room table if it is big enough. Turkey is carved in the kitchen and a sampling platter is brought to the table for people to choose white or dark meat off of.
But, if your table isn’t big enough to do that comfortably, just serve from the kitchen!
This is my preference and practice, as well.
We usually have 10-15 people for Thanksgiving and this is what we do:
Our table has leaves, so it can get quite big. We occasionally have to pull in another table, but that’s not common. Table is beautiful, family heirloom so we usually display it as is (natural wood + placemats for eating off of), but for holidays we use a table pad + tablecloth. We don’t do placemats with a tablecloth. We usually do a dark red cloth napkin, because a) it doesn’t stain and b) one of our table clothes is mostly cream + dark red detailing and c) we have these dark red glass goblets from my grandparents that we bring out for holidays.
We always serve at the table (so put into serving bowls then pass at the table), but everything is carved / plated / what have you in the kitchen. We try to warm serving bowls (the ones that can be!) in the oven prior to filling to keep things warm, we also use a bread warmer for the rolls. Keep things in oven / stove to warm until ready to serve.
Dog goes outside or in basement during dinner and prep, otherwise he’s a PITA. He whines, but he gets turkey for his compliance :) (not that he has a choice, I can pick him up and move him if need be).
If you have the “nice” stuff, use it for holidays! We break out all of the grandmother’s china, crystal, and silver – we very rarely have issues (breaking) but if we do – I still figure it’s better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all. And, it’s a nice way to remember those who have gone before.
We are not tablescape people – we just do the aforementioned “nice stuff”, a few lit taper candles in a seasonal color and flowers in a vase.
It depends on the style you’re going for. Buffet style from the kitchen is more informal. Serving from the table is more formal.
Cloth napkins are more formal. If there’s a concern about makeup I would opt for white because you can bleach the living daylights out of them. You’re never going to get bright pink out of a colorful napkin. Even with black, sometimes you can tell there was a lipstick stain.
I have a table pad that I bought with my table. I put a table cloth on top of it. My table is a weird size so the tablecloths have to be custom (and kind of pricey), so instead of having a bunch of different table cloths I have two and swap out the runner depending on the season. The drop of your tablecloth should be about 6 to 8” – long enough to provide cover but not so long that it’s pooling in your lap. The runner (if any) should be no longer than that, though I prefer shorter runners that end before the place setting of the people at the ends of the table.
+1 my family is more formal with holidays, so we absolutely always do a tablecloth + cloth napkins and serving ourselves at the table using the china and silver.
We also get moderately dressed – absolutely no jeans or sneakers (even trendy ones) but also now that my grandparents are gone, coat + tie is rarely seen at holidays. Slacks + nice blouse or sweater for women, chinos + button down + quarter zip or sweater for the men.
For Thanksgiving we bring all the serving bowls to the table and bring the whole turkey to the table for a photo, then I nip it back into the kitchen to carve one breast and one leg while people load their plates, and the timing always works out fine.
In terms of carving, I’m a fan of cutting one whole breast off in as close to one piece as possible, then slicing it across. It’s pretty quick that way.
We don’t use a whole table tablecloth. We use a plaid table runner and linen napkins. I tried those linen blend napkins once and didn’t like them. They weren’t absorbent. So my napkins are old and 100% linen. Sage green, if that’s interesting to you! One of my daughter’s Thanksgiving day jobs since she was like 9-10 years old is ironing the runner and napkins. It’s part of watching the Macy’s parade for her. She really likes doing it. My son makes the pies.
thoughts on laura geller make up? my instagram feed is full of b level celebrities declaring it the very best for aging skin. they have a holiday gift set and debating sending it to the two friends i still get gifts for… is it hype or is it good stuff?
Go to Macy’s to try it on before you buy anything! Also take a trip to Sephora to compare with other brands you can try on. I’ve found once I actually go and try products on, what I came in wanting is never what I actually end up liking most.
oh i thought it was just available all line… great idea. thanks.
No it’s pretty bad. I got sucked in too. I don’t (think?) struggle with large pores but that foundation highlights every little line or divot. It also gets oily and wears off faster than my tinted moisturizer + setting powder even if I use a setting spray.
I wouldn’t give the foundation as a gift. It’s a very personal decision. (But, I mean, I wouldn’t send a friend a bottle of liquid Ester Lauder foundation, either.)
After trial and error, I like the LG powder foundation for the summer when it’s hot and sticky out and conventional foundation is going to run right off my sweaty face. It provides light coverage which is perfect for summer when my skin has a bit more color to it anyways.
It’s fine. I feel like it disappears on my skin and doesn’t do much. However, I do like it brushed on top of a normal foundation to give it a more glowy but not dewy look.
It’s awful, I tossed a powder foundation I got.
If you like leaving behind powder smudges on everything your face touches – your phone, your collars, your scarves, your coats, your seatbelt, anyone you hug, then this foundation is absolutely for you!
Could use a little (kind, pleasant, supportive) direction in my weight loss journey. A couple of facts: PCOS sufferer, I’m down 50 lbs and counting on GLP1s safely/with doctor (plan to be on it for life), could lose another 20-30 but so far extremely happy with progress. I have a history of some large weight losses in the past, but that coincided with being younger, having more time to devote to fitness (a lot of crossfit and half marathons in my 20s), meal planning, etc. Clearly I gained all that weight back, mostly thanks to almost a decade of fertility treatments/childbirth. I’m a newly minted 40 year old, recently done with having kids. My baby just turned 1 and feel like I finally have more time and headspace to devote to me.
So, my asks: I need to focus on increasing protein and adding strength training.
First question – how in the name of god am I supposed to get to 75g of protein daily, let alone more than that? I have a protein shake, Greek yogurt daily. I have a weird aversion to meat as part of the GLP1, which obviously doesn’t help. I don’t like cottage cheese. Eggs are fine but just fine. I’m struggling to see how to get there. I grabbed a bag of quest protein chips over the weekend hoping it was going to be a quick hit of protein but I couldn’t finish them. I found them so …grainy? Blerg. Open to all recs, snack ideas, and anything else.
Second question – against better judgment, the first 50 lb loss came with an ok (not great) amount of cardio and very little strength training. I’m an old millennial and I love nothing more than a good sweaty cardio session, but I know that’s not enough. I had an infant and it was just hard. I know I need to worry about losing muscle mass, but is it too late? Or is “the best time to start now” the approach to take? How do I even start? I’m nervous about gaining a ton of weight if I start strength training, which I know is something I need to just deal with. But open to anyone’s thoughts here. It just feels like a huge mental hurdle to begin for some reason. I have a Peloton and full set of weights at home. Maybe I need to get out of my house and back in to a fitness studio for a class to jump start?
Sorry for the seemingly stream of consciousness post here, but I just have a monster mental block on these two things.
It’s never too late. My first suggestion is to chill on all of this. Keep trying for protein but you’re doing ok. Work in some strength training as you can, it’s definitely not too late.
you are 40 years old!!! it is not too late to do anything!!! you are not going to gain a ton of weight if you start strength training…. i would recommend a class (a body conditioning class at the gym or orangetheory or something like curves if it still exists). i think it will help you get motivated to get back into it, i have done weights off and one since college but i have had a lot more positive results since joining orangetheroy, the classs just motivates me. Re protein– i would put protein in your yogurt to start, that really amps it up. I don’t know what to tell you if you don’t like meat.
Thanks. I do have a gym in town that a lot of women I know love and I’ve been eying. I think my challenge is that I used to do a 5am crossfit class 4x/weekly, plus long runs. And now I think I’ll be lucky to get one in on a Saturday morning. So, I’m in my head about how 1 isn’t enough. But, I logically know that 1 class/week is better than the zero I’ve done in my recent history.
Re: meat (and eggs), I find that I like them more when served with other stuff. So, a hardboiled egg as is? Gross to me. But soft boiled over avocado toast? Yes, I can definitely do that. Turkey? No thanks. But “leftovers” sandwich on bread for lunch and some other fixings? All day. So, again, on the topic of food I’m arguing with myself about is the protein better had with other things that might be less great (carbs, sugar) because the goal is to just get the protein? I’m not suggesting carbs and sugar are evil to be clear, but I feel like to eat the eggs, I need the carbs to make the overall meal more appetizing. I think the solution here may be counting macros, but I’ve counted ever.y.thing. a million ways to Sunday in my prior weight losses and I don’t want to have to do that if avoidable. It’s been one of the most freeing parts of this journey.
Never thought about adding protein powder to my yogurt, but I will!
One a week is better than none! But also, you can absolutely do some strength training at home, with and without equipment. I believe wholeheartedly in lifting heavy, which most people need to do in a gym, but you can do lots of bodyweight exercises at home and/or get a set of dumbbells and kettlebell and accomplish a lot at your home if you choose to Some of my best workouts were on my front porch during the gym lockdown.
I second that it’s never too late to start strength training. Preserving muscle is so, so important to staying healthy as you age, and building muscle will improve your body composition and let you eat more. A class could work, or try youtube workouts since you already have weights — there have been tons of discussions here and on Reddit with suggestions for channels.
Regarding protein: have you tried plant-based proteins like tofu, tempeh, seitan, and TVP? I am a vegan getting 90+ grams of protein daily and every lunch and dinner includes one of those. Breakfast is always oatmeal with protein powder mixed in, which is my favorite way to eat protein powder.
Definitely not too late; this is a great time to start building muscle mass! Weight bearing exercises are also great for building bones up before menopause. If you don’t want to lift the weights right now, maybe trying another approach like rubber bands would help you get past the mental block?
Can your doctor refer you to a dietician to help you work on how to achieve your protein goals happily? Is the meat aversion because you need to be on a prokinetic? Basically can you put your medical team to work for you here?
I feel like this is an opportunity to focus on your progress a little more and the end goal a little less. Did you try a new way to get your protein this week? Did you get more protein than last week? Work towards it. Every week. Get used to the new normal, then push a little further. If you get 10% more protein every week, then in 3 months you will have triple the intake you have now.
You know the answers here. Just start lifting. Putting on muscle weight from weight training is really hard… yes, you might have some water weight but it takes effort to put on even five pounds of muscle. As for protein, you will need to find some food (chicken, etc) that you can eat. Two chicken breasts get you a good way to your goal. Most “protein” processed foods are really glorified candy bars. The exception is protein or Kirklands protein bars are some of the few that actually have a lot of protein (but you need to drink what with them).
I eat mostly vegetarian, and can easily get 75g of protein by drinking it. High protein Fairlife milk with meals and when I take pills. I love milk so it is easy. The non-fat tastes great to me – Fairlife is richer.
1) It’s literally never too late.My aunt (age 72) recently starting strength training and she’s put on muscle and looks fantastic. Obviously you’ll have diminishing returns as you get older, but something is always better than nothing.
2) Work with a dietician!
3) I add collagen or protein powder to a lot of different foods: yogurt, oatmeal, chia pudding, smoothies, thicker soups (blended ones, like a butternut squash). I do the same thing with chia seeds.
4) I can’t stand eggs on their own, but I like them with things – quiche or frittata with lots of veggies or breakfast meats (you can add in cottage cheese here too for protein), breakfast sandwiches or burritos, etc. Could you approach meat and legumes or beans the same way? Not solo but mixed into things, as a topping to pasta or a salad, etc?
5) I eat a LOT of chickpea pasta.
6) Something is always better than nothing – you may not have time for a 30 min workout, but a 5 min arm circuit is better than nothing. Can you do squats while you’re blending your smoothie? A plank while you’re on the floor playing with the baby? Likewise – getting out for a run once a week is better than not running; a walking pad while watching TV is better than sitting, etc.
I’m late to this and I feel your paint on the protein situation as I also don’t really eat a lot of meat, and I like cottage cheese but not greek yogurt.
Here are my tips:
– Every night after dinner I have “protein chocolate milk” – 1 glass of Fairlife milk (13g protein) + 1 scoop vanilla protein power (20g protein) + 1 scoop of Nesquick
– I saw your note below re eggs and meat and I also don’t like them purely on their own and here are some common lunches for me:
– 2 fried parmesan eggs + half avocado + 1 slice sourdough toast or other high protein bread for toast
– 2 scrambled eggs + 1/2c black beans + 1/4c blended cottage cheese mixed in
– chicken cesar salad or wrap loaded with veggies and parmesan (highest protein cheese I think)
– NYT braised beans with shredded chicken or scrambled eggs on top on a slice of high protein toast
– greek yogurt + kashi cereal + berries
– curries with lots of veggies + chicken as the protein
– dense bean salads by Violet on Tiktok
I resonated a lot with this, down to the weight loss amounts. Just start weights. I do 30 minutes 3 days per week but I started with 2 days. Tons of stuff out there but I would just Google a beginners workout, probably a full body one. I agree taking a class might be more motivating! It’s a great time to start and you’ll be so glad you did. On protein, I confess I rely a lot on meat and I know you’re experiencing an aversion. I know it’s not great, but I rely a lot on protein shakes and shoot for at least 30 grams at every meal.
“I’m nervous about gaining a ton of weight if I start strength training, which I know is something I need to just deal with.”
When I say this, I am being lighthearted and not at all critical:
There’s a saying men have about women who worry about bulking up. “Do you have any idea how much effort in the gym it takes for me to look this average? That’s like saying ‘Don’t let me near that piano; I might accidentally start playing Mozart!'”
You’re not going to gain volume (versus weight, because muscle is more dense than fat) unless you get seriously into bodybuilding. The additional energy burned by having muscle will help you, too.
Chiming in to say you should check out the Peloton strength-training videos. I struggle to find time to go to a gym but can squeeze in a 30-minute workout at home with free weights. Some of the workouts incorporate cardio and will absolutely get you sweaty.
also i don’t know where you live or if you’re home your one year old or working or anything else but there are certainly classes intended for moms with babies as well as gyms with baby sitting.
Same! Doesn’t stop them from having (loud) “informed” opinions they argue about based on podcasts though. (rolling my eyes emoji).