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Updated: Oct 20, 2022 339 Comments · by

Thursday’s Workwear Report: Kelsey Ponte Knit Trousers

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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A brown pair of tailored pants, plus-size

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I usually lean toward blacks and navys for my neutral pieces, but this rich java color is making me rethink my stance. These ponte knit trousers from Liverpool would be a wonderful addition to my rotation of comfy work pants for long days at the office.

I would add a camel sweater blazer and some cute flats for a long day of document review when I need to look somewhat pulled together but want to feel like I’m in pajamas.

The pants are $98 at Nordstrom and come in sizes 14W–24W. Liverpool has a similar pair available in sizes 0–16 for the same price.

Sales of note for 9.30.24

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Anonymous

    I live somewhere sushi isn’t readily available so enjoy it when I can get it. What I’m always stumped on is, are you meant to bite it or eat each piece whole? It’s fine for the smaller pieces but the bigger ones feel too big to be a mouthful, but fall apart when you bite?

    • Ellen

      You can take it in more then one bite. If you try to put it all in your mouth at once, you will look like a blowfish with a big lump in your mouth, and obviously can’t talk and chew at the same time. Even the men would not find you to look particularly flattering with that stuffed into your mouth. FOOEY!

    • Anon

      You’re supposed to eat it in one bite, which I find very unpleasant and therefore I avoid eating sushi. My mouth isn’t that big!

      • Anon

        The little rolls maybe? Vs the bigger pricey pieces? Like I love an avocado roll, which I get isn’t very legit as sushy, or a spicy tuna roll (same).

    • Anonie

      I sometimes cut really wide pieces in half with my fork, then stack them on top of each other so I can plop them in my mouth with a smaller bite. I wouldn’t worry about it too much unless you happened to be eating sushi at a fancy event or business meeting!

    • Cat

      I love the taste of the larger, more complicated rolls, but agree with you – they’re too big for one bite! If somewhere where making a mess or eating it “wrong” is important, I order smaller rolls. If home, I have zero shame in using a steak knife to cut those puppies in half. (Why steak knife? Makes the cleanest cut IMHO)

      Also. Some sushi places will slice the roll thinner, like 8 pieces instead of 6, if you ask.

    • Anonymous

      I thought it was acceptable to eat sushi pieces (fish on rice) in separate bites. But a sushi roll should be eaten in one bite if you’re having a typical roll. A handroll can be eaten like a taco though. I think part of the thing is that those huge crazy sushi rolls are a distinctly American thing (says the white lady who has yet to go to Japan). I just avoid those huge rolls on dates; you can also ask for them to be made as a handroll instead.

    • Anonymous

      I have a small mouth and love sushi. I just eat it in two bites. If it falls apart, I make the best of it. I love it and I don’t care if I make a mess eating it.

    • Anon

      Those really giant rolls are an abomination and very American. Order the smaller stuff and eat it in one bite. I’m partial to tekka maki, kappa maki, and negihama rolls.

  2. Anon

    Do you have any 2022 recommendations for fleece-lined tights? My pre-COVID ones must have been tossed and I’ve been in Athleta fleece-lined leggings ever since. But with RTO, I’d like some vs regular tights (still have plenty). Sweater tights haven’t worked well for me.

    • Ellen

      I can’t believe this issue is coming up yet again. Didn’t we have some woman a few years ago pestering the hive for months over “fleece tights! fleece tights?” I remember that, and we put up with it for a while, then didn’t. If the OP is serius, then I recommend the Old Navy fleece tights. They’re cheap and you can throw them out at the end of the year if they pill up. Meanwhile, they are very easily removable b/c of the elastic-like belt tops, which are meant to come down quickly if you need to run into the toilet.

    • Vicky Austin

      I’d check Uniqlo – I wore their pile-lined ones a lot when I lived way up north.

    • Anon

      If you can wait a few weeks, Old Navy had all the best pairs last year. They had a thicker, polar-fleece like kind, a herribone kind, and regular fleece-lined too. But slightly later in the season!

    • Anon

      I usually buy mine from Uniqlo and Loft, but I have not checked either this year.

  3. Anon

    How are you all using tall heeled boots when you wear pants? I can figure out looks with dresses and long skirts. Other than bootcut pants, I just cannot figure this out.

    I might just rewatch The Americans to see how Elizabeth Jennings wore pants (but I think we just saw long pants with a hint of shoe or boot peeking out; pants are never tucked into boots).

    With 2 years of mainly WFH and now always rushing to get into in-office days, I do not have enough time to muddle through this each morning (and when WFH it is off of my to-do list on those days, despite an obvious need). I need some “canned” looks in mind when I head to the closet.

    • Cat

      By “tall” boots I assume you mean knee-high? Not for wearing under pants… the influencer crowd can sometimes make the “sock” style work under cropped pants, but that’s best left to the pros IMHO.

      Otherwise, you just… wear ankle or calf-height boots under your bootcut pants, and hem your pants to the desired heel height. An elongated toe looks nicest since it doesn’t get lost under the wider hem.

      • Anon

        I agree – I think tucking skinny pants in to long boots is now a very dated look. I stick to shorter boots under trousers (unless something like wellingtons for pure practicality).

      • Anon

        I mean, as someone who was a kid in the 1970s, people did wear tall boots under pants. The pants were bootcut or flare (aka bell bottoms) and most people had fewer pieces of clothing so they wore tall boots multiple ways.

    • Anon

      What about western-style boots (like cowboy-type boots and ropers)? I went on a bender at Frye. No shame.

      Also, re The Americans, I know they will never made a Netflix series about my little obscure life. But if they did, I would want Margo Martindale to play me. That woman is so amazing. Does she ever play a likeable character?

      • Anon

        I do community theatre, and I was once cast in a play in a part I wasn’t thrilled by. I looked in the script and saw that Margo Martindale had played the character in the original Broadway run. Seeing that totally changed my my mind about the part, because it meant the character was meant for an amazing actress such as Margo Martindale.

      • Anon

        If you like Margo Martindale (and who doesn’t), check out the podcast she narrates called “I Spy.” It is a series of stories by real-life spies.

      • Anon

        I first saw her on – I can’t remember the name of the show, the one with Raylen – and I was amazed with her immediately. What an actress.

    • NYNY

      Knee-high boots under wide-leg pants is a winter staple for me, especially on cold windy days. The leather on my lower legs is so much more windproof than anything else I could wear. You want pants hemmed for the heel height for this look to work. I never tuck pants into boots. Not even at the peak of the skinny jean/riding boot era – it just was never my jam.

      • Anon

        I feel like this is the right answer — with fuller legs, wear boots and socks with the boots for maximum warmth.

  4. anon

    Send wine. Both kids have Covid and have spent the morning fighting over my lap.

  5. Cb

    Hello from the UK, which has entered a state of collective meltdown. A new record for shortest time as Prime Minister, but still no general election, but NEW elections in Northern Ireland, 6 months after the last one. Fun time to be a British political scientist!

    • Anonymous

      I just heard on NPR. Wow.

      Does this mean that the pound should shoot up?

    • Ribena

      I was meant to be in a 1-2-1 but my manager sent me a message like ‘Truss is speaking at 1.30, let’s reschedule.’
      And now everyone is making lettuce jokes. Normal island.

      • Cb

        I was interviewing students for scholarships to go to the US for the term. “From one dysfunctional country to another!” The girl who began her interview with “OMG, she’s speaking in 5 minutes” actually got bonus points in the interview.

    • PolyD

      I saw a tweet that Truss lasted 4.1 Scaramuccis, to give Americans some context.

    • Anon

      i must admit my head has been in the sand a bit lately with regards to world news – can someone share the cliff notes with this American reader?

    • Monday

      I have nowhere near the depth of understanding you do, but even I know this is nuts. Like if this happened on TV, you’d think the series had jumped the shark.

      Is anyone still talking about the crisis of the monarchy, or is that just tabloid stuff by comparison?

      • Cb

        Nope, it’s all focused on the government and its incompetence and the horrific cost of living crisis which is in progress/will get worse as people’s mortgages are up. We have really short mortgage terms in the UK, we did 5 but wouldn’t have blinked at a 3 year mortgage, thank goodness we didn’t.

        • Monday

          That’s terrible. Antics like this really do make it look like regular people are just cheap little game pieces in politics. I felt that way working at a hospital during early Covid under Trump as well: it was just chillingly clear that my life meant nothing. I am never going to be able to forget that, just as apparently the UK people are going to be living with the fallout of this permanently.

          • Cb

            Yeah, it’s awful. Food bank usage is up through the roof during this government, even before the current crisis. So many people are going to be cold and hungry this winter.

        • Seventh Sister

          A friend of mine in the UK is almost at the end of her mortgage term and (quite reasonably) extremely worried. It looks like it’s going to be a flipping miserable winter for a lot of people.

          • Ribena

            I’m on a variable rate and pretty terrified. If that were the only bill going up it would be fine but everything else is too

          • Anon

            Are variable rate mortgages standard in the UK? I recently learned that the 30 year fixed rate mortgage was not ubiquitous. That sounds so stressful!

        • Anon

          Canada has short mortgage terms too and it is crazy! how can you plan when you don’t know what your mortgage will be?!

          • Anonymous

            Honestly, though, it probably helps to keep house pricing in line. Because you know every two or three years you’re gonna have to go back out and test the market to refinance it.

  6. Anja

    It’s occurred to me that, while my work is fine and I am otherwise a normal adult, most of my interests are either childish or disturbing. I’m not sure if this is a problem in need of fixing, and if yes, how.

    The “childish” stuff: various video games, all rated Teen or lower, and a variety of children’s book series. Most of them are fantasy about intelligent animals.

    The “disturbing” stuff: nonfiction true crime/disaster books (the Deer Island Tunnel accident, the Man from the Train) and the TV show Air Crash Investigation and its ilk. I also sometimes read murder mysteries, which might fall into this category.

    This leaves me with rather little to talk about. I don’t have any issues with these otherwise – I find them enjoyable, there’s groups where I can talk about them with like-minded people, and overall they make me happy. But when someone asks me “read any good books lately?” they do not want to hear about talking cats or industrial accidents.

    So, what do I do? Is there a way to expand my interests that isn’t just choking down Normal People Stuff hoping I’ll eventually learn to like it? Can I get by if I make my peace with having a reputation for being weird, or is this just too weird for office life?

    • Anonymous

      All of my (normal) friends really got into following the Murdaugh real life murders. I don’t think that is abnormal.

      I can’t get into any video games but many people do.

      Why change? Why not just read the paper (still lots of mirder if it is local vs the WSJ) so you may have some fresh other ideas for chatter? Or turn on NPR?

    • Cb

      I think that’s fine. Lots of people have “weird interests” and true crime is a whole industry. I think people are just making small talk. “Oh I’ve fallen down a rabbit hole about mysterious flight crashes…” “I had a phrase where I was obsessed with shipwrecks…”As long as you aren’t talking about your habit of dressing up as animals, I think you’re ok.

      • Anon

        Agreed. I went through a phase where I was reading a ton about WW2 and the Holocaust thanks in no small part to Erik Larsons books on the matter. People might think that was a bit weird and morbid but plenty of people get into very niche subject interests with reading.

        • anon

          By all means, please encourage other people to read by letting them know that this is something that people still do, and to let them know about these particular events in history. Have you seen the statistics about younger people who don’t know that they even took place? Or the people who didn’t read even one book last year?

          • Anon

            I had years of not reading books. But, in my defense, that was in the grad school (plenty of required reading) and working 12+ hour days when trying to work with PT school. Ugh. I had the attention span for a NY Post headline, but could not process anything with characters / plots / subplots / themes / allegories. Eventually, I came to realize that as long as I had an intense job, I could not pick up and put down and pick up again anything fiction if it was a Serious Book of Substance. But I could read nonfiction (building of the Panama Canal) because it was just more straightforward. Lots of history (and of course true crime) and biographies. Maybe I could read something else if I had a big block of time (plane travel), but since COVID I am more scrambled without the huge chunks of time when I used to travel for work (for Reasons, I don’t work on planes b/c a lot is confidential and you never know who is reading over your shoulder).

    • Ellen

      Go to the local public liberary and ask the libarian for some non-fiction recommendations. They are generally very helpful, and by learning non-fiction stuff, you will be able to contribute to adult conversations like me, rather then sitting like a lump on a log at parties. You can also get audio books and just listen on your iPhone while you do whatever it is that you do all day.

    • Ribena

      I mostly read romance which while not the same as yours isn’t necessarily something I want to talk about at work “yes Brian I just read a really hot second-chance-romance with all the tropes” so what I often do is flip the question back “oh, still making my way through X [industry adjacent non fiction], what about you?” or answer a different question entirely, based on the fact that usually the asker doesn’t care what I’ve read, they just want to make conversation and maybe figure out what makes me tick – “not much, things are so busy with life back open again – did you make it away anywhere this summer?”

    • Vicky Austin

      I don’t think murder mysteries, video games or true crime are too weird for office life. True crime is so ubiquitous these days that a little boutique in my hometown had a shirt for sale that said “Iced Coffee & Serial Killers.” Just don’t wear that to work…or anywhere.

      • Vicky Austin

        Alternate idea: “Read any good books lately?” “Ooh, yes, it was called [insert title here]. No spoilers though; it’s more fun if you go in blind. How about you?”

      • Senior Attorney

        Yes, honestly I think those are fantastic light and slightly-offbeat interests for casual conversation!

    • Anon

      Um…video games, true crime, and murder mysteries are extremely popular. There’s nothing weird about that.

    • Anon

      I think those are fine interests to talk about — just pick and choose within them. I know lots of adults who play “childish” video games or read about true crime or disasters. I would love to talk about that!

        • Cat

          oh man, same. Except I am either in one of two spells – I don’t play the Sims at all, or I want to play the Sims like 26 hours a day. There is no middle ground.

    • Anonymous

      True crime podcasts are so popular that I thought I was the weird one because I don’t like them. Same with WWII books. Everyone loves them but me.

    • Anne-on

      I don’t see this as a problem as long as you enjoy it and it makes you happy! For work small talk I think the video game stuff is fine and I’d probably frame it as ‘oh, work/life can be a lot so I really enjoy relaxing by playing low stakes video games or reading lighter fiction’ – what have you been enjoying in your downtime recently?
      I strongly dislike the culture of oversharing that some offices encourage so I tend to come to gatherings with some generic questions – people love to talk about themselves! Ask them a question, then ask follow up questions and go with it. ‘Tim, what have you been enjoying outside of the office?’ (Tim talks about a sport/book/trip/etc.). Next time you see Tim – ‘Oh hi Tim, how’s it going, gotten in any good golf games/how was your trip to Cancun/read any new historical fiction recently? my dad loves it and I could use some Xmas ideas!’.

      • Anon

        This interpretation of preferring “childish” video games is absolutely true. I know plenty of adults who mostly play that sort of game because they’re less competitive and not full of complicated combat. It’s not unusual at all, and definitely not indicative of immaturity or anything like that.

        • Anon

          Right? I like that my kids still like Minecraft b/c it’s better than first-person shooter games and IMO I like that the characters are block-ish vs ones where the women look like the models for the female figures on mudflaps.

        • Anne-on

          Exactly. The harder my work/life is the shorter/easier my fiction gets, and if stuff if really stressful I’ll just re-read something comforting with low stakes. I can only handle deep/emotionally trying books when the rest of my life is going well or when (ironically) I’m on a beach vacation.

          • Anon

            I’m with you on the beach reads. I read Madame Bovary at the beach. It’s the only time I have bandwidth for something that’s not a blog post.

        • Anonymous

          Yeah, I actually think it’s more adult to play the light, fun games than the intense combat ones.

    • Anon

      I have a kid with autism who is in regular school (high school). We have, after some epic fails (like during a job interview), how when you say something very unexpected, it can make people uncomfortable. When people are uncomfortable, their brain pivots and you lose opportunities to connect with them. That is generally not what you want. So she has to strategize to avoid a literal answer when it would backfire on the point of the conversation and think of what a true response would be that would not be uncomfortable for the hearer (context matters; obvs family/friends are different audiences than a job / interview / etc.).

      Read any good books lately?
      A1: Yes; serial killers, blood spatter, random trivia re gore, possible oversharing of things.
      A2: Yes, but now I need something new to read. Have you read anything good lately? [Or a more vanilla statement.]

    • ALT

      I don’t think any of these interests are unusual for an adult. I assume you play games like Animal Crossing? I have plenty of friends who play that game who are normal adults. I personally play The Sims (and feel silly admitting that, for your same reasons).

      I personally find people fascinating when they are passionate about their interests. Tell me about the random plane crash you just read about! Brag about your badass house in Animal Crossing! Share the weird facts from the Deer Island Tunnel!

    • Aunt Jamesina

      Being into true crime is NOT what I had in mind when you said you had a disturbing hobby, hah! I feel like I’m one of the only ones in my circle who isn’t into it rn.

      FWIW, I only really discuss my hobbies with people who are into the same hobby. Otherwise, I just mention them in passing to my family and friends.

    • Anonie

      True crime is trendy/mainstream enough these days that there are whole memes about it being a personality trait for many people. I sometimes feel out of the loop because it’s NOT a major interest of mine.

    • Formerly Lilly

      TIL that my interests might be considered childish or disturbing! I’m putting it down to a high pressure job where in my personal time I need a good dose of escapism. I think Anon at 9:40’s A2 is an excellent response if you don’t feel like disclosing your interests but want to keep the conversation going.

    • PolyD

      I do not like murder or true crime stories, but I love Mario Kart! And also Overcooked, although mostly because of how much my boyfriend and I suck at it, we burn down the kitchen every time we play.

      I completely agree that Jenny Colgan books are mind candy, but I love them and I turned quite a few friends on to them during the depths of the pandemic.

      I don’t think I’d look down on any interest someone expressed to me. I mean, I don’t understand why people get so obsessed with sports, but I do enjoy watching my dad and sister watch the Bears games, and discuss the moves as if they were generals describing troop movements.

    • Anon

      I think true crime is pretty mainstream, but I’d be a little careful about the way you talk about your enthusiasm for it in a work context. I’ve had a few people in my life who had family members killed in newsworthy circumstances and it’s pretty scarring. I suspect that people like that would react pretty negatively to someone gleefully discussing their latest true crime obsession at work. I suspect those kind of experiences are more common than you might guess- most of those people didn’t initially tell me about it, I found out from someone else or, in one case, while watching an episode of a late night tv show about the unsolved murder of what turned out to be a friend’s mother.

      • Anon

        Yes… I understand some of the reasons why true crime is popular (including as a coping mechanism), but I think it’s still best to be old fashioned about what’s “in poor taste” in contexts like the office.

        Way too many people I know have had their lives derailed by the murder of a loved one for this to be a comfortable water cooler topic for me.

        • Anon

          This is why I can never watch or listen to anything true crime related. I just feel too badly for the victims and their loved ones.

      • Anon

        I agree with this! I don’t see a problem with talking about a historical event (even horrific ones) or even crimes as long as you’re respectful. I wouldn’t go further than surface level of anything disturbing with coworkers or strangers unless you know they’re into it.

        My mother was murdered, and it remains unsolved. I actually enjoy some true crime that is handled more respectfully, but the podcasts or conversations where people gleefully recount details or (even worse) glorify the killer really turn my stomach. I don’t have an issue with these things being interests and with people talking about whatever they want, it’s just not something I like to hear.

        • Anon

          Also, as far as fictional murder mysteries go, chat away! That’s a hugely popular genre for a reason. I don’t consider this to be weird or off putting at all.

      • Anonymous

        I once randomly ended up working with a lawyer who had been involved in a case that was the subject of a very popular podcast, so I cosign this. How awkward would it be to be making conversation about a podcast and then have your new acquaintance say “uh, yeah, I was actually his lawyer”? It’s a small world.

    • pugsnbourbon

      Um, I also read books about disasters. And watch TV shows like What Went Wrong. I did an internship on emergency management/response back in college, which I think is where it started. It’s a little weird, sure, but I don’t think I’m a ghoul. It’s the stories about normal people in extreme situations that draw me in.
      Anyway, if you told me you were reading a book a disaster I’d ask for the title and give you a couple suggestions of my own.

      • Liza

        I mean, I’m here for it esp with your credentials… what are your disaster book recommendations?

        Into Thin Air is one of my favorite books ever, and hugely popular. I feel like that’s a disaster book, right?

        • pugsnbourbon

          A Paradise Built in Hell – essays/longform pieces about communities that arise during disasters
          The Great Mortality – deals with the Black Death and puts the human experience at the fore
          Leningrad by Anna Reid
          Deep Survival
          I read a book about the 1918 flu pandemic that was okay, but I’m blanking on the title

          • anon

            If it was “Flu” by Gina Kolata? I LOVED that, and have given it as a gift a few times. I’m a huge fan of that one (obviously, ha). There is also “The Great Influenza.”

            There are also some good, very sympathetic ones about Typhoid Mary.

        • Senior Attorney

          OMG Into Thin Air is one of the most horrifying books I’ve ever read. Those poor misguided people!

          I don’t know any specific book about it, but I just learned about the Halifax Explosion of 1917 and that was an amazing story.

        • Anonymous

          Emergency manager here: The Great Deluge is a great disaster book. I also like Fire, which is about risky jobs.

        • Anonymous

          I’m into disaster history. The way we change the world is to not repeat its mistakes. You may like Admiral Cloudberg’s airplane write-ups on Reddit and Year of Wonders on the plague (a fictional take on the plague). Also the CatastrophicFailure reddit.

    • anon

      I raise your weird stuff with “I watch kids films/series with my morning coffee or while doing make-up”. And I love a good murder. Murder series or a book. You’re fine. It means you have an open mind, are curious, have empathy and you like a good, simple story. You could be an asset in a company which targets kids or in content creation companies.
      I understand your concern about having relatable content to discuss with less quirky adults. A good murder mystery book could work, it’s a popular genre. Travel is also a safe topic and you might know some interesting stories [from murder cases]. But I believe everyone has some weird hobby, so I wouldn’t be too concerned.
      I am the favorite auntie for my friends kids simply because I can quote from Harry Potter or Carmen San Diego. I have zero shame to admit my love for murder stories or kids programming.

      • pugsnbourbon

        Dude, my 68-yr-old dad LOVES Bluey. I watched a couple episodes with him and my nephew and he kept pointing out all the little lessons they were working in. “See that, Pugs? They were teaching about teamwork. This is a great show.”

        • Seventh Sister

          When my kids were tiny, we all watched The Backyardigans and I think my spouse and I liked it even more than the kids liked it.

          Related: When I was right out of school and at my first job, I had terribly long hours and got obsessed with a British series about a hippie-ish boarding school (it was called something like 24-7?). It was on a random cable channel and pretty clearly directed at elementary to junior high-aged kids. I felt embarrassed about watching it so I never talked about it, but honestly, it was the perfect way to unwind / work through my fairly unhappy high school experience.

          • Anon

            When my kids were little, I had kind of a crush on Captain Feathersword from The Wiggles.

          • Katie

            I remember 24-7! I watched it on Noggin I think, because I was watching Degrassi the Next Gen there already. I was a junior associate at a firm and needed something relaxing to watch. Got two of my other lawyer friends into Degrassi, so much so that we still have a line or two that we quote at each other.

        • Anon

          So cute. My 21 year old daughter is a college student and part time nanny, and is always sending me screen shots of “my” character on Bluey. There’s one she swears is based on me.

    • Liza

      I think it’s perfectly fine to talk about true crime and murder mystery books at the office, if you’re in a conversation about books. Or, honestly, a great way to handle questions like this that you don’t want to answer is to turn the question back on the person who asked, since presumably it’s a topic they find interesting. “Hmmm, nothing is really coming to mind as something I’ve loved – what about you, what have you been into reading lately?”

    • Anonymous

      Oh what video games are you playing? I have a Nintendo Switch Lite and would love some recommendations!

    • Anon

      I think most gamers find their like-minded gaming friends online. Source: my college aged son is a major gamer

      If you have interests that are widely considered child-like, that’s one thing and I don’t think a big deal. If you’re going out in the world as a 25 year old dressing and trying to talk like an 11 year old that’s another thing. I’d work on trying to keep it to the former.

  7. Anonymous

    I feel stuck in my job. I’m in-house counsel with about 12 years of experience. I started out as a litigator but spent the last 8 years in-house in an extremely specialized area. I hate my job and can’t imagine doing it for the rest of my career, but it feels like my work is so niche and specialized that I’m not really qualified to do anything else and there aren’t that many companies who actually need someone with my particular highly specialized niche. I’m sure I’m capable of doing other things (could pivot to employment or something) but it’s not where all my years of experience have been. I’m really not sure what to do. Would a career counselor be able to help me think through other options that could be a good fit? Any recommendations for one?

    • Anon

      Any chance you can move towards some compliance tasks/projects (or more general compliance if you’re in a specific role).
      If you want to go into employment, can you partner with HR or change management on employment related tasks? I’m an in-house employment lawyer and while it can be picked up midcareer, most of the folks I know in roles like mine started doing employment at a firm and then moved inhouse to do the same, so you’d probably be best to look at a litigation + employment or litigation + compliance + litigation role.

      • anon

        Agree with this. That said, you will almost certainly make less money and will eventually be maxed out, most likely.

    • Liza

      Is there an opportunity to transfer to another practice area within your company that could be more applicable elsewhere? I feel like a company would be more willing to cross-train and take a chance on an internal hire, and then you could build a couple years’ experience to talk about to interview for roles outside your company.

      • Anonymous

        OP here. I’ve been trying to move to a different practice area for the last several years and while they offer lip service to how flexible they want to be as a department, the reality is I’ve been at trying to move or pick up different work for years now including working connections behind the scenes and very candid conversations with my boss’s boss and they’re just not going to let me move. I think they benefit too much from me performing this super niche role and also keeping my underperforming boss afloat to let me move.

        • Lizard

          I gotcha. I think trying to move in house at a huge company, like Fortune 100, might be your best bet. Broader teams can better absorb a need for substantive training to get the benefit of a smart hardworking lawyer.

  8. Anonymous

    I had my first colonoscopy yesterday and it went fine except I am still super nauseous from the prep. (I will literally hurl if I so much as look at a bottle of lemon Gatorade.) I’ve od’d on clear liquids. What kinds of foods are good for nausea?

    • Anon

      Ginger is supposed to calm the stomach. Ginger snaps? Also, Honey Nut Cheerios (shout-out to Omar Little).

    • Anon

      I also had nausea for several days after mine and struggle with motion sickness and nausea a lot in general. Pretzels, saltines, ginger snaps (other forms of ginger just make it worse), and cereal are all good. I also find sour things helpful (lemon candy, sour gummi worms). Once my stomach settles a little more but the nausea lingers, I also like things like salt and vinegar chips or french fries.

    • Anne-on

      Salty, sour, or tart foods are generally my go to. I would sip coke or gingerale, or well-sugared milky tea (this was always my go to ‘sick’ drink as a kid) to ensure you’re hydrated. For foods, lemon sorbet, thin potato chips (Lays or Utz), extra dark pretzels, ice cold apple slices (cold food is somehow more palatable when I’m nauseated?), tortilla chips, or wheat thins would be my suggestion. Simple carb-y things too – french fries, toast with cinnamon sugar or salted butter, plain bagels, etc. Anything you ate as a kid with a tummy ache basically ;)

      • Vicky Austin

        Plain, salty-but-not-too-salty carbs are the best for this middling phase of upset tummy.

    • Cat

      Real Coke, potatoes (something about the potassium? Like McD’s fries are a hangover cure for a real reason).

      • pugsnbourbon

        +1. When I’m recovering from a stomach thing all I want is plain McD’s cheeseburger and fries.

        • Anne-on

          +2. That was literally the meal I requested my husband bring me after I had my son and was still mildly nauseated from the pain meds from my c-section. Along with a BIG fountain coke with crushed ice. Heaven.

          • Anon

            Including a migraine that is still in the aura phase. Sometimes. Gotta get there quickly.

            My mom said a full sugar coke is the cure for anything. I added the fries along the way.

      • Anon

        Wow, that is exactly my hangover cure (regular fountain coke + a fried/fast food potato option).

    • PolyD

      Chicken ramen, like the really cheap salty kind? Toast? Potatoes mashed with some margarine (I usually avoid dairy when feeling barfy) and salt?

      As I recover from nausea, I find scrambled eggs on toast to be very soothing.

    • Senior Attorney

      My husband has been on a clear liquids diet for a couple of days and he is loving chicken bone broth with ginger and turmeric. There are several brands at the supermarket.

      • Senior Attorney

        You can add some noodles or rice if you need a little more substance.

    • Anon

      My husband always wants pancakes after coming out of anesthesia. How does that sound to you?

  9. Anon

    Any recommendations for a car service in NYC? I need a driver who can take us to various meetings in the suburbs for 2 days.

    • Anon8

      My company uses Red Oak transportation to shuttle people between airports, the city and Westchester. Recommend!

    • Anon

      Though based in Connecticut, Rudy’s travels throughout the tri-state area. Have used them many, many times, highly professional, skilled drivers, clean late-model vehicles, and reliable. They’re spendy, but worth it IMHO.

  10. Japan Recommendations?

    Going to Japan in Jan and would love to hear your recommendations! Mostly staying in Tokyo, but likely have time for one other city. Love food, art, history, and don’t mind lots of walking. Thanks in advance!

    • Anon

      If you love history…I am going to give a really odd recommendation but I visited the Yasukuni shrine and “recommend” it. I’m Korean and obviously understand the controversy behind it, but went because I think it’s important to face the uglier parts of society and actually see it for myself without partaking in it. It is truly a beautiful place (sadly in January all the yellow leaves of the ginkgo trees will be long gone…) but marred by the fact that it memorializes war criminals.

      • OP

        Thank you for the thoughtful response. I was not aware of the history and appreciate you sharing.

    • startup lawyer

      In Tokyo, if you’re into Sushi, i recommend Sushi Yasuda. He had a omakase place in NYC for awhile and moved back to Japan and is probably the only chef around who can speak English so it was more interactive and fun than other options and the sushi is also very good.

      Menya Kaijin for fish ramen. It is really tasty. I know it sounds weird but even my husband who doesn’t eat fish said it was probably his top ramen from our trip. Afuri is also pretty good.
      I also second Kyoto and stopping by the Yamasaki whiskey distillery for a tour and tasting if you’re into that.

      • OP

        I’m a huge whiskey fan (and travelling with fellow fans) and completely blanked on doing a distillery tour. Great recommendation!

        And now hoping I can get a Sushi Yasuda reservation….

    • Anon.

      Odaiba island in Tokyo was interesting for an architecture walk, and it has a beach that gives you a completely different view of the city.

      I highly recommend a day-trip to Kamakura, hike through the hills to dozens of shrines and temples.

      And if you’re up for it, you can visit an onsen (traditional bath, no clothes allowed, but separated by gender). The one I was going to recommend unfortunately closed, but Timeout Tokyo website should have some pointers.

      I loved exploring stores like Muji and UNIQLO, and ITOYA for all things stationary. I could spend a whole day there honestly.

    • Senior Attorney

      I have used Tours By Locals dot com in Japan and been super happy with their guides. And private guides are fabulously helpful in Japan because so few people speak English.

      • Hazel

        Senior Attorney, I think one of your posts years ago actually inspired me to use Tours By Locals when I went to Kyoto in late 2017 — and it was one of the best choices we made. We did a half-day “temple gardens” tour and got to see many small neighborhood Buddhist temples and Shinto shrines that we wouldn’t otherwise have been able to access (or known to visit). Our guide even arranged for the priest’s wife to serve us matcha and a seasonal sweet while we looked at the private tea garden in one shrine. He taught us how to use the bus system and took us to lunch at a favorite neighborhood restaurant serving old-fashioned Kyoto home cooking (of course we covered his lunch too, along with taxi fares between the sites — but he did all the work flagging down taxis and talking with the restaurateurs). It was seriously an amazing experience and we talk about it years later. Some of the best photos of the trip too!

      • OP

        SA – this was one of the first links I put in the planning spreadsheet (I think I saw you recommend it on an earlier trip thread this year). Will report back on how the experience is!

    • Anon

      I went more than 10 years ago now so don’t have specific recommendations, but definitely try a conveyer belt sushi restaurant — there was one in the train station in Tokyo that was amazing.

      I love reading fiction by authors from the country I’m visiting before and during the trip. Some of my recent favorite Japanese authors are Yu Miri (Tokyo Ueno Station is a must read), Junichiro Tanizaki (the Makioka Sisters is a nice long read for a long plane ride), Mieko Kawakami (everything by her is amazing), Kikuro Tsumura (There’s No Such Thing as an Easy Job is a nice look at contemporary life), Yuko Tsushima (esp Territory of Light), Sayaka Murata (so weird, so amazing).

      • OP

        Great idea! I actually read There’s No Such Thing as an Easy Job earlier this year and found it very engaging. Will check out the rest of this list.

  11. Anonymous

    Tips for puffy under eyes with dark circles and bags? I woke up this morning (after 8.5 hours of sleep!) with circles so dark it looked like I’d been punched and eyes so puffy it looked like I’d been crying.

    • Anne-on

      For situations like that the under eye gel patches (cold, stored in the fridge) are wonderful. I use them on bad allergy days where I look like I’ve been crying for hours based on how puffy/red my eyes are. “Dieux” makes reusable ones, and if you just want to try them first the Mizon gold snail ones on Amazon are good!

    • pugsnbourbon

      Any chance your allergies could be acting up? Maybe a benadryl would help (unless it knocks you out)

    • Sasha

      Maybe not what you’re looking for but I have very bad dark circles and undereye filler did wonders.

  12. Anonymous

    Any tips for layoff survivors? My office just did our first in the decade I’ve been here. There’s a huge shakeup at my big national company and I can see that they’re switching from a “spend your whole career here” to a “grind you hard, spit you out” kind of culture, which is mostly how work works in America, I know. I’m getting assigned work that my canned colleagues were assigned totally last minute and I had zero motivation.

    I’ve been job searching for a year but basically I’m paid way too much for what I do compared to the rest of the industry and it seems crazy to do more work for less money. It may not be sustainable long term, but I have young kids and it works for my family for now.

    Why on earth is the threat of losing this job not motivating me at all?

    • Anonymous

      “Why on earth is the threat of losing this job not motivating me at all?”
      Because you’re sad at losing your colleagues, you’re shaken by the change in your work atmosphere, you’re probably angry at some things about how it was done. You’re grieving, you’re in a transition where everything around you is up in the air, what used to be solid is now in limbo. All of that takes time to process. A new normal will emerge, but probably not as quickly as you’d like.

    • Anonymous

      Not sure if this helps with stress relief, but keep in mind that you can lower your salary temporarily if you really, really had to. I did that when COVID created a sudden layoff situation from my events-based parent company. I am in a super niche field, so I’ve spent a year at a lower paying job (with a great title) now while being super picky about my next leap. I’m in late stages with two companies at the moment where my salary will go back to what it was and then some and the title will be a huge step up from where I was at previous job–probably couldn’t have gotten interviews without this middle step. Sometimes you just do what you have to do to ensure any employment in order to give yourself a longer runway. So even if you’re not seeing the right fit now, it doesn’t mean it will always be that way or that there is any reason to panic. You’ll just flex for a moment if you really have to (hopefully you won’t).

    • Anon

      Because whether you get laid off or not is probably not in your hands. If corporate has decided to lay you off 6 months or a year from now, there’s nothing you can do performance-wise to change their minds. How is the severance? If it’s good, I suggest you don’t voluntarily.

    • Anon

      I worked for a company that had several rounds of layoffs. I found another job after I had to lay off 20% of my own staff, none of whom deserved it.

      Then I got laid off from the next company! Haha. But even though I’d always been terrified of being laid off, it was really one of the best things that has ever happened to me. It gave me a little time to think about my next step and I am really happily now working for myself, and it’s going well. Thank you lay-off gods.

  13. Tina

    Wasn’t there a post yesterday about how long to give a new job when you’re not sure if its a good fit? I guess the answer is 44 days . . .

  14. Girl's Trip

    I’m looking for suggestions for a long weekend beach vacation with a few friends in January. We’re looking to stay under $1500 for flight and hotel, and some of us would prefer an all-inclusive to reduce the need for planning (I’m on the fence, but could be convinced). We’re all coming from Boston and would like somewhere easy to get to. Are there any locations or resorts you all have stayed at recently that you’d recommend? Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      If you go onto JetBlue, search in the vacations tab for Punta Cana. There are options under 1500

      • FP

        The JW Marriott is a great value and has a semi-inclusive option, which I think fits well for something like this.

    • Cat

      I’d start by pricing flights – Google Flights’ map feature is a good way to get a sense of the price for different islands or different weekends (like, MLK Jr. Day may throw things a bit more expensive that weekend). Off the top of my head, Jamaica, Cancun, the DR, Aruba are known for AI options at varying price points.

    • Clara

      Miami or Cancun. Went on a bachelorette trip outside of Cancun, stayed in a beautiful airbnb mansion with a private beach, less than $1k per person. It wasn’t all inclusive, but we had a “groundskeeper” and a cook + bartender who were there all day one of the days

      • Anon

        I don’t think there are all-inclusive resorts in Miami. There’s a Club Med somewhere in Florida but pretty sure it’s not Miami.

  15. Anon

    My Chapter 13 trustee meeting is this morning. It will be over the phone and other people who have filed will also be on the line. The trustee will decide whether my payment stays as proposed or goes up (I really hope not). I’m extremely nervous (thanks social anxiety) and sick to my stomach and just want it to be over with so I can move on. My lawyer says this should be the only meeting I have to attend. Please send me good thoughts this morning.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      Thinking of you. I bet it will be a huge relief when your meeting is over. You’re taking such a brave step!

    • Anon

      Good thoughts. In a few hours you will know for sure and you will start moving forward!

    • anon

      Good luck! You’re doing all the right steps and once it’s over, it will be glorious!

      • Anon

        Reporting back! Thank you everyone for the well wishes. It wasn’t as bad as I was expecting even though I was SWEATING and even my hands were shaking before my turn to speak, as well as during my turn. I had nothing to hide, I was just so nervous. My stomach is still upset, but it’s all over now. The trustee’s attorney did ask for additional (most recent) payslips, so I don’t know yet whether my proposed monthly payment will stick or if they will try to increase it. Very much hoping that it sticks.

        I will say that I was surprised by the number of people who answered “Yes” to the question about whether they have filed bankruptcy before. Out of the 8 people who went before me, 7 answered “Yes” to this question. I do NOT want that to be me in the future! You all have been so supportive – I do plan to stay accountable and keep in touch with the hive. Thank you, all.

        • Senior Attorney

          Congratulations for getting through it with grace! Fingers crossed on the payment amount!!

        • Vicky Austin

          See, there you go – you’re doing just fine! You will get through this! Way to go. Now take care of yourself for the rest of the day!

  16. Smelly Cat

    I started a new job a few months ago. One of my colleagues, who I have become friendly with, often has horrible body odour. I can’t be the only person who’s noticed it because it lingers in any room she’s in. I feel so horribly awkward about saying something though. She is often not very well put-together or well-groomed too so maybe she just doesn’t pay that much attention to hygiene. Should I maybe mention something to our boss? There’s no HR department.

    • Anon

      Oof that’s tough. I’m certain AAM has covered this topic, you might find something useful there.

    • Anonymous

      That’s so tough. I once had a kind, stylish, intentional boss who had the worst smell about her because I don’t think she drycleaned her suits often enough or didn’t admit defeat when the smell wouldn’t go. I would not talk to HR for your colleague – maybe try to strike up a conversation on needing a new deodorant?

    • anon

      Personally, I think no good comes from this and would not do it.

      Then again, the culture in my area is very non confrontational (which I don’t necessarily agree with, but I operate within it.) I have a real life friend who reeks and literally none of us ever say anything because it just isn’t done…and that’s without the layers of complications that come from it being a work environment!

      • Anon

        I would be so hurt if I found out this was happening and my friends were not saying anything. If your friends won’t tell in (in a nice way, of course), who will?

        • pugsnbourbon

          Agree, tell your friend! You get nose-blind to stuff so quickly.
          I’ve had to do this in a work context (natural deodorant wasn’t cutting it) and I blamed it on the person’s washing machine. We wore uniforms so I gave her a spare shirt and said something like, “you know how sometimes you get that weird musty smell in random laundry load? I think that might have happened to you, here’s a fresh shirt for the day!” Still awkward but hopefully not actively hurtful.

    • Anon

      Does she have health issues? (I ask because when a horrible odor is from internal stuff going wrong, it can’t really be improved by washing up. And people with fatiguing medical conditions may also not put a lot of effort into blow drying their hair, make-up, or fashion even when they’re physically clean, so it can look like a hygiene issue when it’s not.)

      • OP

        That’s a good point. As far as I know she doesn’t have any physical or mental health issues, and I’ve gotten to know her quite well but of course I don’t know everything about her, so that’s a possibility. My impression is that she’s young and doesn’t know how to “adult” very well yet; her clothes and hair are often sloppy, like she doesn’t understand professional norms. So part of me is sympathetic, but the other part of me thinks that someone in their early 20s should know how to shower every day!

        • Anonymous

          Sounds like one of those young urbanites who has bought into the trend of never washing their hair or clothes. If her hair looks and smells like dry shampoo, that’s your answer.

    • Anon

      I have encountered this as well and I didn’t say anything at the time because the people in question (yes, plural) were of a different culture than me and I didn’t want to offend. Is that a factor here?

      • OP

        I know exactly what you’re talking about and no, that’s not a factor with my colleague.

    • anon

      There is so little to win and so much to lose…. even I wouldn’t say anything. But my sense of smell was wiped out by years of using nasal corticoids, so easier done for me than others.

    • Anonymous

      Ughhhh so hard. I recently found myself being the stinky colleague. I knew it, was mortified, and had no idea how to fix it. I was obsessive about every attempt to mask it but it was there, for sure.

      Three doc visits later and I had it fixed overnight.

      I WFH when possible, Sat away from everyone, and put a blanket in my lap to hopefully mask the smell. I guess I would have said “it’s a health thing I’m working obsessively to figure out, I’m really sorry.” If anyone had said anything, but mercifully, they did not. I told a close colleague after it was resolved and she (I assume politely) said she never noticed.

    • DLC

      As someone who was the stinky colleague my first job out of college, I have such mixed feelings about this.
      When my boss sat my down and said something along the lines of, “I know it’s hard to keep your body fresh in the dog days of summer but I wanted to let you know that people have commented to me about it.” I was mooooortified. But then my boss made a point that my colleagues said something to her because they genuinely liked me and she wanted me to know that they weren’t laughing at me behind my back.
      It turns out I was having a bad reaction to (TMI here maybe) latex condoms and I was having really bad discharge and just was in denial about how bad it was. The talk was what I needed to get myself treated. Looking back I realize what a difficult conversation it must have been for my boss, but looking back, I’m glad she said something.
      On the one hand, I do think the culture in America is pretty intolerant of different natural body odors, but on the other hand, sometimes body odor can be indicative of larger issues.

  17. Anon

    Any brilliant strategies for finding fully remote jobs? My remote-on-paper job is starting to expect me in the office on short notice frequently. Being able to work from a scenic location or a family member’s house occasionally was one of the few things I liked about this job, so with this perk going away I need to really ramp up my job search. But there are very limited options locally, and I’m unable to relocate for family reasons, so if I’m going to get a new job I really need it to be fully remote. My general field is writing and editing, which is typically remote-friendly, but I’m in sort of a niche specialty that is primarily found at universities and research medical centers. There’s really no reason my work can’t be done from home, but I’m having a hard time finding fully remote jobs at these institutions. Everything seems to be hybrid at best – and by hybrid I mean at least one day a week in the office, not travel to HQ once a quarter (which would be fine, even if it’s at my own expense). Any suggestions?

    • Vicky Austin

      Tongue-in-cheek: be me, who doesn’t want to work fully remote ever again. The fully remote jobs will come to you, apparently.

      Actual advice: can you work with a recruiter? If you’re in a niche specialty, can you apply for open positions regardless of their remote/hybrid requirements and negotiate to your liking, citing your family obligations?

      • OP

        Ha! Thank you :) I have applied to a few positions that were a good fit except for the hybrid work arrangement, and I got a couple bites but as soon as I said I couldn’t relocate to that area it went nowhere, unfortunately. I’m not sure how to go about finding a recruiter – if anyone knows how to do that in the writing/editing field or in the broader communications/marketing space, I’m all ears.

        • Marketing Jobs

          There’s a company called We Are Rosie that places marketing professionals on assignments with companies. Nearly all of these assignments are fully remote. They also have their own core team that is remote, if you’re looking for something permanent rather than contract. I’m not affiliated with the company, but I have a friend who works on their core team and loves it.

    • NYNY

      I work for an academic medical center, and can tell you that it is hard to get approval for fully remote positions, because HR doesn’t want to open up to dealing with employment regulations and taxes outside of the region our employees traditionally live in. If you’re able to flip your skillset to industry or tech, you’ll have more luck. If not, use your network to feel out how hybrid a role really is.

      • anon

        +1. It gets messy quickly, especially if the institution receives state funding. Then people get veeerrry weird about money crossing state lines.

        • Anon

          I don’t see what is weird about a public institution trying to avoid antagonizing those whole dole out funds. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you and all that.

      • OP

        I’m officially a fully remote employee, and the org (a public university, fwiw) is overall remote friendly, but unfortunately I have a grandboss and great-grandboss who are really hot to have everyone butt in seat. People who got permission to move away during the pandemic obviously don’t have to come in, but since I’m local I’m expected to. My boss is sympathetic, and doesn’t want to be in person either, but he doesn’t really have any suggestions about what to do other than show up when they demand we show up. :/

        • Oh so anon

          I would just… not come in. Come up with a pat statement along the lines of “I am a fully remote employee. Please give me at least 48 hours notice before any mandatory in-person meetings.” And repeat. Commiseration, I have been there.

  18. Vicky Austin

    Can we have a favorite fall recipes thread? Baking, savory, dinnertime, breakfast, I don’t care. I want to be The Most Fall and hear about your favorites.

    I’ll start:
    -Chicken wild rice soup
    -Carrot soup
    -Chicken pot pie
    -Smitten Kitchen pumpkin bread
    -my MIL’s pumpkin cookies
    -Spicy kielbasa and tortellini soup
    -S’mores cups
    -Swedish meatballs
    -Cinnamon rolls

      • pugsnbourbon

        Ohh, it’s going to be rainy on Sunday and I think I’ll make this.
        Our wedding cake’s top layer was bourbon chocolate – so good!

        • Anon

          Ohh, it’s going to be rainy on Sunday and I think I’ll make this.
          Our wedding cake’s top layer was bourbon chocolate – so good!

    • H13

      – Spaghetti squash with TJ’s autumn harvest sauce and umami seasoning
      – Mostly apple apple cake from Snacking Cake cookbook
      – Honey oat bread from Bread, Toast, Crumbs cookbook
      – My best friend’s mom’s chili recipe which I need to dig out ASAP
      – Martha Stewart’s turkey meatloaf

    • Deedee

      I love Smitten’s pumpkin pasta bake! Also excited for baked/stuffed spaghetti squash.

    • Josie P

      Smitten Kitchen apple cheddar scones. The BEST!

      Pork and apple pie with cheddar crust – I think from Epicurious?

      Ginger spice cookies ditto

    • ALT

      I made vegetable soup and cheddar cornbread the other night and it was sooooo cozy and FALL. I never eat cornbread except in the fall :)

      Other fall recipes:
      Paula Deen’s pumpkin cake with a cinnamon cream cheese icing
      Apple cinnamon baked oatmeal
      Smitten Kitchen’s apple cider caramels
      Baked pastas with alllll the cheese
      Stuffing

      • Vicky Austin

        Ooh, you’ve just reminded me I really want to make SK’s baked pasta with five cheeses again.

    • Anon

      Pot roast! Roast chicken.

      Any pot of beans, like blackeyed peas or split pea soup. With cornbread or cowboy bread.

      Tomato vegetable soup.

      Apple pie (we have a tree) and apple butter.

    • Anonymous

      All the pumpkin muffins. TJ’s butternut squash ravioli. Tortellini and broccoli soup.

  19. Anon8

    Does anyone have a favorite creepy, spooky or foreboding longform articles?
    I can’t get enough of that Jon Krakauer, impending-doom vibe that some old-school magazine pieces have.
    My favorites (links below):

    They Came in Through the Bathroom Mirror, Chicago Reader. Horrifying and tragic–I think of this one often, ages after I originally read it.
    Has an Old Soviet Mystery At Last Been Solved?, The New Yorker. Fascinating solution to the infamous Dyatlov Pass incident.
    Raising the D-ead, Outside Magazine. A story about cave-diving– enough said.
    The Yosemite Horror, Outside Magazine.

  20. Anon

    Just moved to a new rental and have a new washer and dryer. Washed my favorite yoga pants, which are black, and they came out full of fuzz. I washed the same as always, dried the same as always. Yet this time, many many pages with a lint roller didn’t remove all the fuzz. I rewashed and dried but no better. I even tried with a dryer sheet (a rarity for me) in case that helped. My microfiber hair towel also comes out with fuzz like this (they were washed separately but I noticed this in another load).

    How do I fix this? I typically wash all on cold, perm press, and dry on low or medium. This never happened in many other homes so maybe it’s this particular washer? It’s a super basic model of both but the dryer is brand new (was replaced when I moved in).

    I don’t want to give up these yoga pants as they’re my fav, but they’re the only ones this happens to even though I can tell no difference between them and others!

    • Nom

      Vacuum out the dryer hose, it is probably super clogged. Or if your landlord is good about maintenance, request that they have the vent fully cleaned out where it goes out of the building — if they’re not periodically cleaned, it can become a fire risk.

      Also, not sure if this is helpful for your circumstances, but I recommend air drying yoga pants & leggings. Anything with spandex/Lycra/elastane is super heat sensitive, so the dryer will degrade the material over time, even using the lowest heat setting. Since the affected pair are your favorite ones, I’m guessing they have been laundered the most often. If the material is starting to break down then it is more likely to attract lint & fuzz, because the degraded fibers act like microscopic Velcro.

  21. Anonymous

    Have we talked about Liz Truss yet? I don’t know much about the situation. Was any part of it misogyny or was she just that bad?

      • Anon

        I’m an American in politics, so I’ve loosely followed from the beginning. I was so surprised she was chosen to begin with – she was relatively inexperienced IIRC. And then tax cuts? Girl, no, literally any study of economic policy will tell you that when economic indicators are flashing red like the British economy was/is (they’ve been in worse shape than we are here), you need direct investment and hands-on involvement, not months-to-see-results tax cuts.

    • Monday

      I watched the video of her resignation speech. It’s so weird. It’s like she was touting her achievements and presenting a polished front, with the minor sidenote that she can’t do her job and will stand by until someone else is ready to take over.

    • Anon

      Brit here. I don’t think it was misogyny. The conservatives have now had three female PMs and both Thatcher and May, whilst I don’t agree with them politically, were broadly competent and well regarded. Truss has just been a debacle from start to finish.

    • Anonymous

      Women PMs and leaders of major political parties seem to resign for a lot of stuff that male politicians would just tough out. Happens all the time at the provincial level in Canada to female premiers. The standards for female politicians are just different. It annoys me. Boris would never have resigned over this. Make a speech about how it has been an adjustment period, reviewing policies based on feedback, and move on and call an election in the near term.

      Not saying her recent budget wasn’t trash but I’m so tired of seeing female premiers resign for much more minor stuff than their male colleagues.

  23. Anonymous

    I have a colleague who is dealing with end of life decisions for a parent (and is out of the office). I have known this colleague for many years, like them a lot, and work very closely with them daily, although we are not friends outside of work and they are someone who is pretty difficult to get to know on a personal level. I don’t have their address and can’t get it other than by texting them. Other than covering for them while they’re out, other ideas of what I can do? Hard to send food (usual plan) without address plus I’m sure they’re not home much right now. I don’t know that I could help dog walk, my other idea, because they live almost an hour away.

    • Carrots

      Could you do a gift card to uber eats/door dash/the like? I did this for a friend when she was home, supporting parents during a hard surgery so they didn’t have to worry about cooking one night, but I didn’t know what kind of restaurants were in the area for ordering.

    • Senior Attorney

      I agree, that sounds good.

      And when the parent passes, definitely a condolence card and attend the funeral if you can. I think it’s okay to ask about funeral arrangements when the time comes — if it’s private they’ll tell you. I appreciated everyone who showed up for my mom’s service even if most of them never met her.

  24. Anonymous

    Weird question, but I have spent 30 minutes looking at wedding dresses at BHLDN for no reason whatsoever. Are saggy boobs a thing now? I’m happy we’ve moved away from fake round-and-high boobs as a standard, but is the assumption in real life that you’ll wear boob tape or something to push them up and together?

    • Anonymous

      I don’t know, but it really annoys me that 90% of day dresses now seem to be designed to be impossible to wear with any type of bra, even strapless. Even as a member of the IBTC, I don’t want everything showing through my dress, thank you very much.

    • Anon

      So my wedding dress was BHLDN (6 years ago), and while I haven’t looked at their site lately, one of the reasons I choose them was b/c the dresses are generally designed for small b**bs. Mine aren’t saggy but they’re barely an A, and I’ve never pushed them up and together in my life. Mother Nature didn’t make a mistake.

    • For harambe

      The girlies aren’t wearing bras anymore! I’ve had this conversation with my friends several times (as I can’t give up a bra in public and I feel weird about it). In my NE area from Gen Z-ers to Millennials, I see so many bewbs and nipps out. Fashun. I went to Disney this summer and was wilded by how many nips I saw.

  25. Anon

    Is it annoying or helpful to notify a company that they appear to be violating a law? I just canceled a subscription because they doubled the price, but mostly because I was annoyed that they automatically renewed it without even notifying me (in all previous years, they emailed a week before charging my credit card, giving me a chance to cancel). I’ve realized this appears to be in violation of a new California law that requires notification before autorenewing annual subscriptions; I am a CA resident. Should I tell them, or is that just being obnoxious, given that I already got my money back? Note that I’m not a lawyer, and it’s always possible I’m misinterpreting things, but it seems pretty clear from what I read online.

    • Cat

      eh, I wouldn’t, I have enough to do without serving as free counsel to corporations.

        • Anon

          If you want to do something, this one – contact the government office responsible for enforcement.

    • Super Anon

      Honestly I am a GC at a mid-sized company and while I am on top of that law, we do business all over the country and I might well miss one in a different state. Personally, I would appreciate an email just saying FYI, you appear to be in violation of California law regarding auto-renewals.

      Or you could do nothing. Honestly I think suing or a referral to the AG despite the fact that they acted in good faith and gave you your money back is a bit much.

      • Anon

        Sure, but I don’t think you’re just going to be able to look up the email address of the GC. I think if you sent this email to a generic customer service email, nothing would happen.

      • Anon

        To be clear, I have no intention of suing or reporting them. I’m a long time customer, I like the company and would have much preferred to continue subscribing to this company’s products, I just didn’t want to support that kind of dishonest subscription practice. The reason I’d tell them is because I want them to change, and it certainly appears that they’re leaving themselves open to future liability. If I were in that situation, I’d want to know! But I agree that the random customer service person I could contact is probably just going to think I’m being annoying and not care, so I’ll probably not bother.

    • anon

      I don’t intentionally drop them as friends but at this point I don’t do things that I really don’t want to do (winter outdoor dining, isolating before a hangout, going to a restaurant that’s a huge pain to get to just because they accept patio reservations, etc). I make plans, invite the cautious people and am 100% transparent about the lack of precautions, then let them decide whether to join. My social circle is open about illness and covid exposure so there is some “Hey I was exposed to covid this week, do you guys want me to take a rapid test before our plans on Saturday” negotiation. Most of my friends that were cautious in the past have loosened up. I only have one perfectly healthy friend that’s still extremely anxious (I’ve posted about her before and the consensus was she’s living on a different planet) so we rarely see her anymore. But the rest of us aren’t willing to jump through hoops so it is what it is.

  26. Anonymous

    Would you or have you dropped friends for being too covid cautious? I mean now not a few years ago. Someone raised it yesterday and I’m curious as to whether you just won’t meet with friends anymore if they start talking about staying outdoors or testing or whatever.

    • Anonymous

      We definitely got dropped by one couple we’d been friendly with for being too COVID cautious. That was back before universal access to vaccines, though, and they are kind of awful people with whom we would have done a slow fade anyway.

    • Anon

      I wouldn’t, though I’d probably internally roll my eyes a bit at being asked to test before entering a door with the test that the person brought (rather than a friend trusting me to test beforehand that morning if asked to do so and honestly reporting the result).

      I am mostly back to life as normal, except that I don’t go to really crowded events, especially not without a mask (indoors or outdoors). But I consider my friends to be people I value, and if they’re in a spot where they prefer outdoor dining or going on walks instead of going to plays or making sure gatherings are kept small, I’m totally fine with that and respect their needs and decisions.

    • No Face

      Nope. I am happy to meet people where they are. I am happy to go for a hike or walk whenever, but I am done sitting outside in the cold or rain though.

      • Anon

        + 1. I would happily go on a hike, walk, ice skating, or some other activity where we are moving with a friends. But don’t ask me to eat outside in cold weather, especially when you don’t give me any notice until I’m at the restaurant.

      • Anon

        This. I was super cautious before I got covid this summer because I have several very very high risk family members. I would respect other peoples comfort level and specific health concerns. However, if we are doing outdoor dining there better be a space heater involved. I did love going to places that had their own little individual huts outside.

    • anon

      Staying outdoors is something I can easily accommodate, like wearing a mask. So I will. Getting tested (I assume non-home kit?) is a bigger ask, so I won’t (unless they’re immunocompromised at which point it’s better to not see them for their own safety anyway). I don’t think of it as dropping them, we’re just not meeting until they’re comfortable with meeting.

    • Anon

      Many of my friends are still more cautious than I am, but they have young children. I would never drop a friend over COVID, but I would probably spend more time with friends who want to do the same kinds of things I do. Agreed that I’m done sitting outside in the cold.

    • Cat

      Drop them? No. But trying to coax a group of friends to do a big Zoom or whatever isn’t going to happen any more, so the Covid cautious person will probably need to make more effort seeing people 1-1 or however they are comfortable.

    • anonshmanon

      I wouldn’t balk at requests to meet outdoors or to test beforehand. I am worried that people are reluctant to make those requests and let the friendship fade instead, and I won’t know their real concern.

      • Anonnn

        I’m the high risk person doing this although I know I really shouldn’t (I’m reluctant to ask for precautions even when they’re on doctor’s orders, and I’m so sick of masking indoors that I feel everyone must be — I’m one-way masking for once-in-a-lifetime gatherings currently, though I know it’s a risk).

        It just feels like a lot to ask after all this time, and when there’s very little in the way of public health measures that benefit everyone in place at the moment.

        I think it doesn’t help that my medical issues are a PITA at baseline (e.g., very annoying dietary restrictions).

      • Anonymous

        If I never eat a cold dinner in a tent in a parking lot again it’ll be too soon. I’m not dropping anyone but outdoor dining in the winter is just not worth it to me and I’m going to decline that invite.

    • Anon

      I’m the cautious person (we’re doing everything we want to do, but still wearing masks and avoiding indoor environments where we’d have to take our masks off for a long period of time, i.e., restaurants). No one has dropped me or been weird about it. I wouldn’t expect someone to be outside when the weather is gross, and I don’t expect other people to wear masks just because I wear one. We don’t ask people for any testing unless my elderly parents are involved, but I’d be happy to test if someone else wanted me to. I do agree that trying to do big things on Zoom in 2022 is weird. You either go in person or don’t go, at this point.

      • The Lone Ranger

        This is about where I am, I’m high risk, but basically do everything except indoor dining or going to places that are super crowded. I don’t eat outside in the cold, so won’t ask my friends to either. I mask, but don’t care if others do or don’t, but I don’t want them mocking me or cajoling me to remove mine (happens pretty frequently). I don’t ask people to test, but have had people offer to do so, which is nice but not necessary.

    • Anonymous

      I wouldn’t drop them but I’m also not willing to be outside in the cold. Now sure! January? I’ve done my time eating outside in the snow, I’m no longer open to it. I spend all day on zoom. If a friend were truly high risk sure I’d try. If they’re just anxious, see you in spring then.

    • Anonymous

      In a situation where someone is not high risk but extremely cautious: I’m less keen to do things outside when it’s really cold but would be fine masking up. I would test but would be slightly annoyed.

      I have an aunt who I’m very close with who is very high risk (undergoing chemo, is a transplant patient so very immunocompromised ) and I am note than willing to take any and every precaution before seeing her or her immediate family.

      • Anon

        But you don’t necessarily know all their health risks and it’s annoying that you think you need to know that before respecting someone’s concerns. You have no right to that knowledge.

        • Anonymous

          Please note that I said even if someone wasn’t high risk, I’d follow their requests I’d just be annoyed. And, obviously I’d be silently annoyed. I wouldn’t say anything.

          Also: the only people I socialize with are my friends and family. Unlike most friend groups here, m friends and I share our concerns and issues with each other so I know if my friends are high risk. And I know people will say ghat I think I know but people might be withholding, but they’re not. We’re a very open group.

          I do sometimes see friends of friends, but only in larger gatherings so I feel confident that if a friend of a friend had a concern then they would not come anyways.

          Even my most overly cautious friends have pretty much given up on Covid precautions. We all work jobs that require us to be in person at least a few days a week and we are all willingly socializing indoors again

    • Anonymous

      I’ve absolutely been dropped by friends who roll their eyes at me when they think I’m being overly cautious for not wanting to eat indoors.

      • Anonymous

        I wouldn’t drop you, but in October 2022 not eating indoors is weirdly cautious.

        Honest question: what do you do about eating at work?

        • Anon

          Not that anon, but another person not doing indoor dining. I WFH, but lots of people have private offices or are able to go to a more private area of their workspace to eat. There are parts of the country where it’s possible to eat outdoors nearly year-round. There’s also an element of relative risk. You’re already exposed to your co-workers for 8+ hours a day (and I know lots of people who got Covid from a co-worker while wearing a KN95 themselves), so the added risk of removing your mask for a quick desk lunch isn’t much. Going into a restaurant with a bunch of people you wouldn’t otherwise have contact with adds significant additional risk.

    • Anon

      My family is moderately covid cautious and more cautious than most of our friends. I would never actively drop someone, but recognize that people who are still very cautious (e.g., not wanting to meet up for outside meals after vaccinations etc.) may end up losing out on relationships. My kid has one friend whose family is exceptionally covid cautious (after being fully vaxxed and getting COVID a few months ago) – kid has maintained relationship because they are in school together, but if they were not and could not see each other for a long period of time, i could see how the relationship would fade out.

    • Anon

      no. i wouldnt drop a friend. maybe the friend has a health issue or they spend a lot of time with someone who does and they don’t want to share/aren’t ready. as someone else said, will i dine outdoors in january in super cold weather, probably not. but will i happily take a covid test so that instead we can order takeout and eat in that person’s apartment – sure. a friend recently attended a wedding where all attendees were asked to test that morning and they said another couple there literally spent the entire wedding complaining about having to take an at home covid test. is taking a covid test fun? most certainly not. is it this huge big deal inconvenience that is worth complaining about for hours on end, also no. i try to treat others how i’d like to be treated, so if for whatever reason i had/have a friend who wasn’t ready for indoor dining and i value their friendship i’d try to find an alternative

    • Zennia

      Won’t drop but there are limitations — if you won’t do indoor playdates (for our kids) than I’ll reach out to other moms who will. I’ll happily meet you at park if you suggest but if I’m going to take the energy to plan a playdate ideally I want my kids entertained while I take care of other stuff.

    • Anonymous

      I mean I wouldn’t drop someone over this, but there are some things I’m not willing to do anymore (dining outdoors in winter, for example). If someone was really concerned, I’d easily mask up or be willing to test (but would be annoyed). I’d swap meeting indoors for a normal outdoor activity (park picnic or a walk), but hate when people try to turn normal indoor activities into outdoor ones.

      I also probably would not initiate plans with a very cautious person, unless I had already wanted to do something at their comfort level like take a walk or eat outdoors. If they invite me to something reasonable, I’d join even if it wasn’t something I’d choose to do.

      I have a very high risk relative so I follow their lead on precautions. Aside from seeing them, I take virtually no precautions anymore though aside from obviously testing/isolating if I have symptoms. But, I go to work, go to bars/weddings/parties/concerts, take public transportation, run in person errands, etc without masking, testing, or moving plans to be outdoors.

    • Anonymous

      Have not and would not. I assume that if they are being more cautious that they have a good reason. They don’t owe me an explanation.

      I’m certainly not sharing my Dad’s lung cancer diagnosis with parents from my kids classes. My dad is a super private person about his health issues due to some childhood trauma. We don’t live in a big city and I know that he knows at least a few of those kids’ grandparents socially.

      I would however drop friends if I found out that they were being awful to people who had to be cautious.

    • Anonymous

      I am likely going to come off as a jerk here – I haven’t dropped friends, but I have voiced my frustrations when friends who are NOT high risk, but are being extremely cautious, change plans to accommodate them. For example, last year I had a girls trip planned with three friends. We were going to go to a luxury spa hotel. I had a credit for the hotel and had managed to book us two across the hall suites and a great rate that everyone agreed on. The entire trip, that we all sat on a zoom call to plan and agreed to, was to go to this specific hotel, stay at the hotel, and go to the spa at the hotel. It was also winter, so potentially some fireside sitting. I was so, so excited to go on a luxury girls trip. Then, two of the girls decided that this hotel was “too risky” and changed the whole trip to a crappy beach house rental (that actually cost us more $$$ because it was last minute) with no spa two weeks before we were supposed to go. And it was still winter. I was very, very annoyed. I went on the trip and enjoyed seeing my friends, and the one girl who still wanted to go to the spa hotel asked if I’d still come to the beach and it meant a lot to her if I went. If the plan had been a winter beach house the whole time, that would have been one thing. But it was changed from 5 star getaway to air b and b (I hate air b and b) and that’s what annoyed me. There have been other examples to where people agree to participate in an event that is clearly indoors and clearly there are going to be multiple people there. Then, last minute, they decide they won’t do that and change it to something outdoors with no people around. Ultimately, my issues is with expectations management. Don’t agree to do the non COVID cautious activity if you’re just going to back out and demand it be changed to a super COVID cautious activity.

      • Anon

        Yeah I’m super Covid cautious but this isn’t about Covid caution. It’s just flakiness. Sorry that happened to you.

  27. Anonymous

    Are Salt guitar-style bag straps passé? They were never fashionable in my SEUS city to begin with. I’m starting to see imitations by bag manufacturers and I think they’re kind of cute and am considering buying the real thing. But is this a case of it was fashionable in Brooklyn three or four years ago and is now trickling down to the masses so it’s really over? Is it even worse if I admit that I plan to wear No. 6 clogs with it? Or is this look still current?

    • Anne-on

      To clarify, the Salt straps are a knock off of the Hermes Evelyne bag/straps. I adore my Evelyne (and don’t give a darn if it’s passe, the bag is super handy and holds a ton). I would say the super colorful straps are a little ‘out’ but cross body straps for bags in general are super practical and very much still a thing.

  28. Cat

    PSA for anyone who’s beyond sick of political campaign texts – if you’re not already filtering texts by unknown vs known senders, start there, and then I learned today you can go into Notification Settings – Messages – Custom to turn off all notifications for unknown senders.

    • Anonymous

      As a fellow Philadelphian, my coworkers and I were just complaining about the texts before a meeting this morning.

    • Anonymous

      Am I the only one who gets texts from random candidates for House seats on states I have never even visited? It is one thing to get them for candidates I can vote for, another to get someone in Alaska asking me for $$.

      • Anon

        I do! I blame it on being generous with non-home races and PACs… I just tune out and filter texts/emails liberally (haha).

    • Anon

      I love that I, a Virginia Democrat, am somehow on the text list for Georgia Republicans. It doesn’t matter how many times I opt out, they still keep coming, just from a different candidate (old paid lists, I figure).

      • pugsnbourbon

        I still have my VA phone number from when we lived there ages ago and still get texts and calls. A couple years ago I got a call from “Young Republicans of Virginia” and the kid’s name was, I swear to god, Jeff Davis.

    • Anonymous

      When I checked I noticed I am also receiving messages from email addresses, including the junk one on my ActBlue account. So that might explain it also. I unchecked everything except my cell phone number to receive messages.

    • Anonymous

      I absolutely hate that signing up to volunteer on a local campaign means I am signing up to be constantly called, texted, and emailed asking for money from tons of campaigns for years to come. I really just want to volunteer!

    • Anon

      Many years ago, my ex husband made a donation to the Sierra Club in honor of someone who died and used his name and for reasons I don’t remember, me email address. I still to this day — more than a decade later – get numerous daily political emails addressed to [ex husband’s first name] at my email. I’ve managed to route them all into spam but I’m annoyed and offended. I tried hitting unsubscribe on them for several weeks with no results.

    • Anon

      I have been finding that replying, once, with the word STOP has worked.

      Not true for email, unfortunately.

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