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Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
I have a chronic medical condition that is mainly kept in check through medication. A few times a year though, I have these flare ups that don’t respond to treatment. This usually leaves me out of the office 2 days every two weeks. I’m not concerned with telling my manager, as he kind of already knows and is really hands off anyway, but I was recently promoted and now have two direct reports. Do I need to disclose this to them? For what it’s worth it’s chronic migraines.
Anonymous
I don’t think you have any obligation to tell them but if you have a cordial relationship mentioning that sometimes you are out for migraines and here’s what they should do when that happens would be pretty normal.
anon
I don’t think you need to disclose all the details, but I do think it’s a courtesy to your direct reports to let them know that you are handling a chronic health issue that may periodically cause you to be out of the office. This is especially true if you need their support in handling certain duties while you’re out. If they’re smart people, they’ll notice your absences and probably arrive at far worse conclusions than the truth, which is why I’d err on the side of disclosing *just enough* information. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this!
Anon
I wouldn’t. Let them assume you’re just more important than them! I think all you really need to do is tell them, the next time you’re out, how you want them to handle things when you’re out. It is not really their business why you’re out, and psychologically it can introduce an unnecessary feeling of uncertainty or insecurity when people are given a reason to worry about the people they report to.
If you have team members who are filling in for you, I think then you’d want to disclose to stave off any resentment. People are usually very understanding about migraines.
The original Scarlett
I don’t think you need to get into details, but I think you should normalize that taking time off for a personal medical condition is okay, and make it okay for your reports, too.
The original Scarlett
In other words, lead by example.
DCP
+1
Artemis
I am a manager, and this is 100% the way to go in my book. You don’t need to disclose your condition if you don’t want to, because then your team members know that they don’t have to disclose details to be taken seriously. You let them know it is OK to use their time off for whatever personal needs arise, medical or otherwise, by doing it yourself.
And I’m sad to hear you have to deal with these migraines, that sounds really tough.
Anonymous
The most dignified and professional way to handle this is to take sick leave when necessary, to make sure your team knows that you are going to be out and how to carry on in your absence, and not to overshare about the specifics of your health condition. If you simply take the time you need without any drama, you will be setting a good example for your staff.
Anon
This isn’t your question but I just wanted to drop a note in case you haven’t heard of the pretty new CGRP drugs for chronic migraine – they came out last fall I believe and are once a month autoinjectors. The studies have promising results and they have helped me a lot since I started taking one in the fall (Aimovig is the one I take but my neurologist said the different brands performed similarly in studies).
Belle Boyd
My neurologist also said these new medications work very well and she has been very pleased with the results. The only issue she noted about them is that different insurances require you to go through several other prescription protocols before they’ll cover the CGRP prescriptions. Your insurance coverage may or may not cover them until you’ve tried other treatment plans. She did say that for how well they work, and they’ve been the best treatment option that’s been made available to those of us chronic migraine sufferers, they are worth looking into, so there is hope!
S
Shop for me? I LOVE the Cornwall Dress by the Fold. But it is $$$. Help me find a dupe! https://thefoldlondon.com/product/cornwall-dress-blue-stripe/
Anon
https://www.target.com/p/women-s-plus-size-striped-short-sleeve-v-neck-wrap-midi-dress-ava-viv-153-blue-white/-/A-54220605?preselect=54092949#lnk=sametab
https://www.target.com/p/women-s-striped-sleeveless-collared-shirtdress-a-new-day-153-blue/-/A-54347810?preselect=54323639#lnk=sametab
Anonymous
Bonus points to anyone who can find a brand that dupes The Fold (even for $$$) in sizes 14-16. They are my dream wardrobe but I’m just a leeetle outside their size range.
Anon
Not an exact dupe but look at GAP’s Perfect Stripe Raglan Tie-Belt Shirtdress in Poplin or Perfect Roll-Sleeve Stripe Shirtdress (I have this and really like it for the price).
Veronica Mars
Mini review(s), reporting back– Wedding season is coming! For anyone looking for some comfy shoes, I just got the Stacie block heel from Sam Edelman in gold and it was perfect. I never wear heels but they were incredibly comfortable even after lots of dancing/standing. Also–anyone looking for some home/office decor, Anthropologie has this amazing planter–it’s called the “Grecian Pot Bust.” It’s a mid-sized planter of a Grecian goddess/sculpture’s head, with a beautiful expression on her face. Reminds me of an Athena statue you’d see in the Met.
Laura B
Ahh i love that planter!
Go for it
Ahh i love that planter!
azcpa
I found this interesting because wedding season in over in my area – its just too hot!
BabyAssociate
Wow I love that planter. Any idea if it has a drainage hole?
Veronica Mars
No drainage hole, I just checked mine.
Anon
What do people think about elite boarding schools these days, including single-sex schools (e.g. Andover, Exeter, Deerfield, Madeira)? I have been doing some reading and I’ve come away impressed with the offerings and the fact that many of these schools offer significant financial aid and have much greater racial and socioeconomic diversity than most suburban public schools. A few people in my family went to prep school, but not recently enough to comment on what they’re currently like. I like the idea of a top-quality education that doesn’t teach to the test, that has the boarding element to promote independence, and that is no longer an ultra-privileged bubble. Has anyone either attended one somewhat recently or sent their kid to one?
Anonymous
I was a day student at one for a year. It is great, but sticker is like $65K/year there and I don’t think that someone who is a lawyer (but not a making-bank lawyer) is going to ever get to the front of the line for any assistance. But they do run summer programs for older campers at my old school and I’m going to be content to send my kids there so they can have a different kind of experience that they get in their urban public school (which is very diverse — we are relatively rich in our world but would be not-rich in boarding school where families can just write that check).
OTOH, I was shocked at the drug culture in boarding schools. Not everyone partakes, but OMG my rough public school had bad kids who smoked tobacco and sometimes weed (but could rarely have the $ for it w/o dealing).
Anon
They are still an ultra privileged bubble, don’t let the marketing fool you. They do give more financial aid these days, but the median student is still incredibly privileged. Quality of education is fantastic, at the ones that I’m familiar with. However, I would not send my kids there.
Anon
+1 They are still an ultra-privilege bubble, and I would really worry that my kids would not fit in/build friendships because they don’t have the privilege and money that the vast majority of the kids have.
Anon
+1 million
Anonymous
Omg you’ve got to be kidding with this? Girl yes they are an incredibly elite rich bubble bringing in a few scholarship kids doesn’t change that. They’re a great option if you’d rather your kids not live with you, don’t mind them having easy access to drugs, are cool with them becoming friends with just the richest kids in the world, and aren’t worried about them becoming prey to sexual predators.
Anon
I went to one and would extremely side-eye any assertion that it’s “no longer an ultra-privileged bubble”.
Anon
I mean, do you call the up to 50% of kids receiving significant financial aid or the 30%+ share of students of color ultra privileged? If you do, it sounds like we have different definitions and that’s ok. However, I believe that at some of these schools, the diversity (including from international students) is a lot greater than at most suburban public schools.
Anonymous
Do you work for one? You asked what people thought. Jumping back to be defensive when we tell you makes it pretty clear you actually aren’t interested in our opinions.
Anonymous
Just because someone is a student of color doesn’t mean they don’t come from an ultra priveleged background.
anon
Yeah. I went to prep school (non-boarding). My prep school was just straight-up not very diverse, although it’s much better now. But there were two other prep schools in my town that touted their high diversity. One had a heavy focus on providing opportunity to low-income students, which lead to high racial and ethnic diversity. The other heavily served children of international business executives on assignments to the US. It all depends on what you are looking for in an economic environment, but the latter was very much a kids of multi-millionaires environment notwithstanding that many of those kids were not WASPs.
Anonymous
1-year day student here again
My school had a lot of kids of US people working for overseas companies with no local schools, so kids were paid for by the company. Definitely middle-class kids, but a good-sized chunk of them at my school, so they could hang out and vent with people about how they got to go home for spring break (not to maui or gstaad).
Big chunks of obvs scholarship kids, which had to be rough. The education was great, but I felt like they were there for window dressing. It’s not like we got poor kids from West Virginia. Just poor kids from Bed Stuy who also happened to be good at sport and/or academically gifted.
Anon
But diversity doesn’t equal not privileged, in the tradition sense of the word. You do know that minorities can be rich, even ultra-rich, right?
And I would want to know a lot more about those financial aid numbers. Is that a kid with a family income of $300k+ getting a discount? Or is it truly a kid coming from a household with a family income of $20k or $30k?
Anonymous
It’s not really “diverse” where the parents all have MDs or PhDs, even if they are not Mayflower-type white people.
Anon
It’s kind of racist to imply someone is disadvantaged just because they’re a POC. Plenty of rich people of all colors out there. Also “students of color” could include Asians, which are not an under-represented minority at top schools.
Anon
You don’t think rich POC still face racism? Yikes.
Anon
Of course they do. But their wealth still affords them a lot of financial privilege and the fact that 30% or whatever of the rich people at the school are POC doesn’t make it any friendlier or more accessible to the lower-income scholarship kids.
Anonymous
My old school’s boarding cost is 65K/year. For day, it might be $25K. If “significant” financial aid is 10-50K for boarding and up to 15K for day, it is still too pricey for most people. I’d spend the difference for daycare for babies b/c that’s not an optional expense, but you can buy hella enrichment for those sums.
And for my kids, it won’t be life-changing enough to warrant the cost. Maybe I send them for a summer program at a boarding school b/c they are pretty and often in cooler climes than I live in now, but it’s too rich for my blood, even with significant assistance.
Anon
If half the student body comes from families able to pay out the $65-70k/year in high school tuition per kid (let alone the ~4 round-trip tickets per year just to get kid to and from school even aside from any vacations, sports equipment, discretionary funds (since you weren’t allowed to have a part-time job at the one I went to), extra fees for fancy overseas study abroad programs (S*x, Dr*gs and Italy!), etc.) and a significant portion of the rest of the student body is not much far behind that, but on some scholarship aid, then yes, that’s a pretty freaking privileged fishbowl to swim in. There aren’t a lot of high schools in the country where more than half the student body comes from that kind of economic background. There just aren’t.
My family is ‘privileged’ and WASP-y by any reasonable definition (Mayflower descendent, trust fund, 4/4 grandparents went to private colleges, etc.) and yet I was one of those partial scholarship kids at my Fancy Boarding School. And a lot of the ‘scholarship’ kids were like me, in that we ticked the right boxes but just happened to be from the lower annual income branch of an otherwise very privileged family.
Anon
Right. I went to an Ivy and received a pretty hefty need-based scholarship – not 100% tuition, but over half. I had one parent who had a PhD, another parent who was a lawyer for state government, they earned low six figures combined. At my highly-ranked public high school in a wealthy suburb of a major city, my family was upper middle class – probably at least 75th percentile by income, certainly nowhere near the poverty line or qualifying for free or reduced lunch. These prep schools and elite universities give a lot of financial aid, so you can get a partial scholarship even if you’re objectively very privileged. Receiving a scholarship to Exeter or Yale is not synonymous with rising up out of poverty.
Anonymous
+1, my SIL went to one, I also disagree with that statement, although I suppose my info is now over 10 years old. But these schools are almost as old as the United States, I doubt they’re going to change that dramatically in a decade. Having a few scholarship students does not take them out of the realm of ultra-privileged bubble.
Anon
I think it’s important to go in with the right expectations. An elite private school will not get your kid into Harvard, or even Georgetown, Emory, Rice, etc. (In fact, it can be harder to get into some of those schools from a private school, because the competition is so intense.) Outstanding private school will get your child a better education than many public schools offer.
I think the “bubble” issue depends a lot on the kid. Many of them are completely normal, well-adjusted people before and after. Many of them appreciate being in an environment wherein it’s not looked down upon to love school. Others… their families are wealthy enough to provide them with that experience, but not so wealthy that they are set for life. They are ‘all that and a bag of chips’ while in their fancy schools, but they crash and burn when they hit the real world. They struggle to figure out why the world isn’t kissing their bums for having wealthy parents, or why their lives suddenly went from privileged to normal.
Is it Friday yet?
+1 A good friend of mine went to an elite co-ed boarding school, graduated third in her class with great test scores and was a prefect (or whatever they’re called in not-Harry-Potter), and was devastated not to get into Harvard – the two spots designated for her school both went to wrestlers with lower grades. Also I visited her there a few times, everyone was on coke, and there was a definite caste system re the scholarship kids and the “townies” that didn’t board there. YMMV, of course, but from what she says about her classmates now, it sounds like a split between people who have gone on to be junior masters of the universe and people who have ODed or otherwise fallen off the grid.
Anon
Two spots sounds really low for an elite prep school. I agree that the competition to be at the top of your class is a lot tougher at a private school than a public school, but the Ivies generally take a lot more kids from Exeter than they will from a random no-name public high school, or even from an entire state. I’m from a very small (population-wise) state and Yale apparently only took one person from my state/year. I didn’t get in because the child of a major donor was in the same class year at a weak public school on the other side of the state. I was valedictorian of my top-ranked public school (which has sent plenty of successful people to Yale in the past), had tons of AP/college classes, research experience, near perfect test scores, etc. (I got into lots of other good schools and everything turned out fine. But I’m just saying the competition at your high school is not the only factor in college admissions.)
Anon
Unless you work in admissions at Yale you have no way of knowing why you didn’t get into Yale.
Getting into elite schools has always been a bit of a toss-up. I know plenty of people who got in but aren’t that impressive (and no they aren’t crazy rich and bought their way in) and plenty of people with much more impressive resumes/applications that got rejected. No one outside of the admissions office can verify why one person got in versus another.
So I agree completely with the advice to not send your kid to an elite boarding school if you’re doing so to get them into an elite college.
Anon
I realize that nobody knows for sure what was in the admissions officers’ minds, but there were publicly available statistics (or at least available to administrators at my school) that showed that only one kid from our state got in most recent years. Normally that person was the top student from my top-ranked public high school, but not always. Just pointing out that getting one or two spots from a single state may be more competitive, or at least involve way more luck, than getting one of 10 spots from an elite private school. I agree you shouldn’t go to a high school just because you think it will help you get into college.
Anonymous
Just want to add a word of caution about deciding that someone who got into an elite school wasn’t “that impressive.” You often only know what a student does at school, which is an incomplete picture. My best friend in high school was one of those students, who got into multiple elite colleges to the surprise of much of the student body. The teachers and counselors who wrote her rec letters knew about the volunteering initiative she did on her own time and how she spent her summers, and all of those extra details, but she wasn’t one to broadcast her life to fellow students beyond normal conversations among friends. The student body (and perhaps other parents) felt she wasn’t that impressive compared to other students at our high school, but they had no idea just how much she had accomplished outside of the spotlight.
Anon
To clarify, that wasn’t meant to be a dig at the people who got into these schools. Not that impressive was a poor choice of words. But these were people I knew very well/traveled in the same friend circles (but wasn’t very close to myself). They are lovely people but since I knew them fairly well I can tell you that they certainly were not doing very impressive things outside of school unless they were doing it in the middle of the night – their weeknights and weekends and summers were almost all accounted for given friend circles and activities. I didn’t bother applying to Ivies for undergrad (parents told me they wouldn’t pay and I didn’t know financial aid was a real option at the time) but had plenty of friends and social circle people who did and was very surprised by who got in and who didn’t based on things like courses taken, grades, extracurricular activities (or lack thereof) and use of free time (lots of lounging around and partying v. Working/volunteering). I suppose it’s possible that these people lied on their applications or something but that would seem super out of character so I always assumed the admissions process was a game of chance.
Anon
I’m more interested in the quality of education than the college chances. It sounds amazing to be able to take diverse classes and follow your passions to a larger degree than public schools generally permit.
Anon
Right, which is why I said you should go in with the right expectations.
I know of people who sent their kids to the above-named schools in order to launch them into Harvard… and their kids ended up at solid schools that they would have gotten into from the public school.
Some of the issue is that even “need blind” college admissions isn’t actually a thing: colleges that are need-blind use proxies for admission that reflect ability to pay (e.g., high SAT scores, elite prep schools, expensive sports, and, most important, applying binding early decision).
Kids who do not need to examine financial aid offers can apply early decision without any worries; their peers on financial aid at Andover or Exeter cannot. So all of the rich kids at those schools apply ED, take up most/all of the spaces allotted to that school, and then hang their middle-class peers out to dry. (The minority and first-gen college kids aren’t expected to apply ED, so the schools know that if they want those kids, they have to take them RD.)
anon
They provide an excellent education, but don’t kid yourself — even with students on scholarships, they are still places of incredible privilege. For the right kid, it could be an incredible experience; for others, not so much. If you’re interested, check out the prep school message boards on College Confidential.
Anonymous
Someone else touched on this above, but I wouldn’t send my kids to a super rich private school because of the party culture alone. Do you want your kid doing c*caine when they’re 15? Send them to a school like that. Or even a public school in a super rich suburb. My experience is the more money a teenager has the harder drugs they do. I’m sure the education is better but not sure that its worth the trade off.
Anon
+1. I transferred from my public school to fancy private school (I didn’t board, but others did) and was shocked by the drug culture there. Lots of rich kids with no parental supervision and plenty of disposable income for drugs. Also lots of casual s*x.
Anon
I mean, that’s more of an 80s thing. I’ve heard the drug culture is either much less significant or nonexistent at many of those schools these days, although it also depends on the place and character and all that. Some schools are much more academic.
Anonymous
I graduated hs 10 years ago and it was still very much true then, including at at wealth suburban public schools. Rich people still do that drug even if it isn’t as “trendy” (and also plenty of others).
Anon
I graduated from high school in ’05 and the prep school drug culture was still very prevalent. Possibly it has changed since I graduated, but it is absolutely not an “80s thing.” (I didn’t go to prep school, but went to an Ivy with lots of prep school kids. I knew people from a lot of different prep schools, including many with a sterling academic reputation, and all of them had way more experience with hard drugs than all the public school kids I know).
Anon
LOL
Anon
Haha. Definitely not. I didn’t go to a private high school but can tell you that in the 2000s my high school with lots of wealthy kids had a ton of drug problems. The “poor” high school a town over had some weed users but that was about it.
Anon
+1 I will never send my kids to prep school for this reason. Kids at my Midwestern public high school partied plenty but weed and alcohol were the extent of it for 98% of the kids (and there was a pretty sizable crowd of goody-two-shoes who didn’t do either). I went to Harvard and know a ton of prep school kids. Most of them did coke or pills in high school, and 100% of them saw people doing it regularly. Their description of their high school social experience is just so opposite of mine or what I’d want for my kids. 15 year olds should not have tens of thousands of dollars to throw around, because they will buy hard drugs.
Anon
“15 year olds should not have tens of thousands of dollars to throw around, because they will buy hard drugs.”
Or because they are 15 years old and it’s not an appropriate amount of money for kids who have never earned a cent in their lives.
Anon
I agree with that too, but I do think having access to large quantities of money (even if it’s just one kid who’s the daughter of a billionaire and will buy for everyone) makes kids more able and eager to experiment with hard drugs.
Anon
Both can be true!
anon
So I recognize that this is a naive question, but I’m curious how the prep school kids get away with the hard drug use. I was under the impression that they were kept super busy and were supervised pretty constantly. And the consequences for using would probably be more severe at a prep school than a local school. I realize teenagers are gonna teenage, but … wow. (I was such a goody-two-shoes in HS that I can’t quite relate.)
Anonymous
Nah they aren’t closely supervised.
Anon
Yeah I’m wondering this as well. There’s no doubt that tons of those kids are ultra-driven and college oriented and they WILL get expelled if caught using drugs (I’ve seen it happen). Even for the most privileged among them, there’s only so much you can do to gloss over an expulsion on your applications.
Anonymous
You keep kids busy by having class 6 days a week and mandating sports (it’s like a Division 3 college where everyone is a varsity athlete). Still . . . Saturday nights you can go “home” or “to a friends house” and people just take a bus to Port Authority (or go with a townie with a car) and rent a hotel room together and drink and do drugs and have s*x.
So grateful I was a townie nerd and not cool enough for that. My parents couldn’t have afforded rehab after rehab like some kids got.
Anonymous
I went to a boarding school (not one of the ones mentioned, but we competed against them in athletics). Kids are crafty – always have been, always will be. Kids bribed the janitors and maintenance crew for drugs and alcohol. Not every kid, but a noticeable amount do figure out a way to get what they’re looking for. I didn’t feel like I was in jail or anything remotely close to that, but I do think that if you’ve ever seen the show “Locked Up” where they talk about all the contraband that comes in, it’s sort of like that. People find a way. Also, a number of kids’ parents had second homes, so once you could take “weekends”, people would get a group together and go to XYZ’s parents empty house in the Adirondacks or something.
Honestly, there are several good things about these types of schools – you can get a way more individualized education and not lost in a large group of people. If you’re particularly talented in a subject, you are more likely to have a teacher who is willing to help you develop an independent study (e.g., once you’ve completed AP Calc II/Calc BC, usually there are not higher offerings). It’s an immersive experience.
More so than drugs and alcohol, I would be wary of the fact that you might have ta student who is doing a 5th year of high school (post-grad/”PG” as we called them, especially hockey players as my school was well known for boy’s hockey at the time) who can be 19 years old in close proximity with 14 year olds. My school had more than one incident of a teacher or staff member sleeping with a student than drugs or alcohol.
Anonymous
On the first one, don’t underestimate the motivation and creativity if teenagers when it comes to drugs. I went to a priv,eleged school where drugs were common (I didn’t have enough free can to make them accessible).
The schools are actually less likely to kick a kid out, given the tuition being paid. You have to really try and be really obvious (and maybe parents wealth/scholarship is a factor).
Rainbow Hair
I was at a moderately elite single-s*x prep school (no boarding element). Here’s my take on the question “How did they get away with it?” (For reference, my graduating class was ‘the good class’ and the class below us was ‘the trouble class’… like fully in AA by 18, time out of school for rehab, etc. etc. While I just have hilarious memories of my friend getting stoned outta her brain before our 8 person psychology class, and she’s sitting there giggling her face off while the teacher is like, definitely aware that she’s stoned.) Here’s what I saw: their parents were super super rich, so they could (1) afford things like taking Kid out of school to spend a month at a fancy Malibu rehab; (2) convince the school to keep Kid enrolled.
I taught very briefly at my high school when I was older and thought I wanted to be a teacher (wow I am not cut out for that), and teachers who’d taught in both the public and private systems told me that in some ways discipline was better in the public system because parents didn’t have that financial hold over the school they way the did in the private system. They also told me that the pay was better at the public schools (unions) but that the infrastructure/supplies/classes they could teach/etc. were better at the private school.
Anonymous
Caveat that I did not myself attend boarding school, but I did go to a fancy day school and went to an Ivy where I was friends with people who had been at elite boarding schools. Of course, not all kids at the elite boarding schools do hard drugs – probably the vast majority do not — but you were asking logistical questions. Here are my thoughts:
1) No matter how busy kids are, they have some down time. At a boarding school, friends (or peers anyway) are always around and available.
2) “supervised pretty constantly” — maybe so, in theory, but the people doing the supervising are often very young and often graduates of the same/very similar institutions. A 24 year old who started working at a boarding school right out of college is not going to have any other framework for judging appropriate behavior. And the more senior teachers and administrators often themselves have spent their entire career in the same sort of environment.
3) “and the consequences…” HA! Any private school has a vested interest in keeping the paying customers happy. Most of the kids at these schools are so insulated from any real consequences it’s absurd. A local school can discipline or expel a student for using or dealing, and some will even call in the police — a private school is worried about fall out with parents. Even if the kid who is caught is not wealthy or a star athlete, administrators will be worried about creating a reputation among the parents who will be big donors. Plus, (wealthy) kids who are asked to leave private schools almost always end up landing at another private school or- gasp!- at the public school in their high net worth zip code.
4) Much of the truly hard drug use isn’t done on school grounds. The kids get together over breaks at the houses (or vacation houses) of classmates whose parents are away or who have lower standards. Yes, this could happen in any affluent school district, but the likelihood goes up when you have the combo of boarding and $$$.
Anonymous
I’m the anon above, I went to a majority minority public hs where most of my classmates were living in poverty, it has a terrible reputation in the city I grew up in – but we partied WAY less hard than the kids one district over in the suburbs. Because we didn’t have money for anything but cheap beer and bad weed! I was from the middle class/white part of the district and was definitely one of the better off kids in my class. I got a good education. I got out of the white middle class bubble I had lived in until then and learned how to interact with people living in very different circumstances from me. I’m SO glad my parents didn’t move to a “better” school district or send me to prep school. Because of that they could afford to get me through college with under 20k in loans. Public schools are just fine!!
Anon
I looked it up and in 2017, 16% of kids at Exeter reported using alcohol in the previous month (half the national average) and the proportion was roughly the same for pot use. Usage of both has declined significantly in the past ten years. This is also consistent with other studies (not boarding school focused) that show that kids are drinking, smoking, and having sex a lot less than kids even 10 years ago. I’ve heard that smartphones are to blame, although of course there is no proven causal relationship. I’m not sure it’s really evidence-based to say that prep schools are any worse than other schools when it comes to substance use and in fact, some of them appear to be better.
Anon
For me alcohol and weed aren’t the big issues. I sorta expect that. At least when I was in high school, the difference between the “rich” schools and the “poor” school was that the rich kids were doing hard drugs, abused adderall and drank more frequently. The kids at the poor schools seemed to stick to weed and cheap beer. As a parent, weed and cheap beer doesn’t scare me the way the other stuff does.
Prepped
I went to an elite boarding school as a full ride scholarship student. It was a game changer for me in many ways, but not least because I received college counseling there that directed me towards small liberal arts colleges with generous financial aid programs vs. publics or other institutions where I would have had to take out loans. I had an incredible educational experience, one that was unparalleled even with attending a great college and graduate program after. It was definitely an elite, super privileged environment, but I’m grateful for the experience every day. Long story short, having my housing, meals, and basic health and dental care provided for offered me a level of stability and comfort that allowed me to do things I would not have otherwise.
Anon
Your last sentence is a really, really good point about how those schools can benefit people from lower-income backgrounds.
Anonymous
Love the Morehouse speaker paying their loans. What an incredible moment.
Anonymous
Seriously and he’s not even a Morehouse alum (Cornell and Columbia) so it wasn’t just based on the nostalgia of his own experience or whatever. I thought it was amazing. I believe there’s 430 kids in that graduating class and he’s paying out 40 million, so on average 93k in debt per student. I saw one interview afterwards and it was a guy who had graduated with a finance degree with 200k in loans and has a job lined up in finance in Atlanta and he was saying — I had my spreadsheet all set up to calculate out my repayments and they’re going to take 25 years. Talk about opening up options for him — he is done with an obligation at 22 that would’ve taken until age 47! So he can get an MBA or buy a house or start a business or whatever.
OTOH I have a friend who constantly talks about wealth inequality who thinks this whole thing sounds shady and “unfair”? HUH?? I didn’t even get into it but in her mind I’m sure — oh it’s not fair to the current juniors or freshman. While I’m like it’s $40 million in debt gone, doesn’t matter whose it is. But she also was negative nancy about Langone setting up the tuition free NYU med for all students (whether you’re rich or not). She griped immediately — that’s SOOOO not fair, what about the people who graduated last year!? So let’s not help ANYONE because we can’t help everyone? Talk about letting the perfect be the enemy of the good.
Anon
There are two types of people in the world — people who look at their own struggles and want to prevent them from happening to other people and people who look at their own struggles and think everyone else should have to go through them, too. Your friend sounds like she’s in the latter group.
Jo March
I’ve heard that a few times before and it really resonates!
Anon
Agreed. I don’t love what it says about college cost nor am I sure it is the best use of the money (as opposed to paying off the student loans of teachers, social workers, etc.), but it is a great benefit to those kids.
Anonymous
Eh, if you’re a black billionaire I can def see building black wealth as a worthy goal. And Morehouse men have a long tradition of giving back to their communities.
Anon
+1
Anon
I get that, but … maybe it’s that part of me thinks it’s unfair. Like, a future banker in the class of 2019 gets their loans paid off, but the teacher from the class of 2018 and the social worker from the class of 2020 still have to struggle with their loans. I know that life isn’t fair, but that still sucks for the other kids.
Anon
But it’s not taking anything away from those other people who were never going to receive a gift like that anyway.
Anon
No, it doesn’t “suck” for those other kids – they are just not getting an amazing benefit. And it’s entirely possible that some of them could lean on the Class of 2019 and say something like – hey, you all got your loans paid off. Would you be willing to donate one student loan payment a year to helping out the class of 2018?
Anonymous
So let’s not help anyone because we can’t help EVERYONE?
Let’s not let the perfect be the enemy of the good . . . .
Anon
Anon at 11:36: It’s not taking anything away from those other kids, and the poster acknowledged that she thought it was a positive. But is it really that wrong to say, if someone is going to pay off $40 million of Morehouse student loan debt, what is the best method by which to do that?
Anon
I think it’s wrong to say that it sucks for those other kids. Taking a nice thing and turning it into a negative when no harm is done and a lot of good is. It doesn’t suck for me that other people have great lives, right? It reminds me of people who complain about how raising minimum wage is unfair because then the people who make a little more than minimum wage don’t also get raises so nobody should ever raise it. It seems like a negative me-first way of thinking.
Anon
+1000 there have always been conversations about lack of wealth building in the black community being a huge issue that contributes to generational poverty, and that school spits out some of top industry performers who often end up at Ivy or near Ivy grad schools, so it’s a big boon to these guys who can buy homes, start businesses, and start grad school younger without the weight of loans around their necks. Above poster is right as well that the school instills in them a kind of “brotherhood” morality so many are huge on mentorship and community service for life.
Anon
+1 the assumption that there isn’t value in the black “future banker” not having loans is silly to me. There are definitely a ton of benefits that stem from this. Basically the speaker gifted an entire graduating class with the privilege that WASPs have had for generations and that to me is incredible.
I am also not here for people who criticize people who do good/generous things as being not good enough. You’re more than welcome to use your income to pay off loans for those you deem worthy.
Anonymous
It’s a benefit to society. $40mil in debt is paid off. It doesn’t much matter WHOSE debt it is — whether it belongs to a teacher or a banker; that’s opportunity cost that is gone and money they can put back into the economy in some other way whether it’s a home purchase or whatever.
Anon
I don’t agree with this. It makes a huge difference whose debt is paid off to the impact that it has on the economy. That teacher is likely to spend that money, where as most bankers would just save more. Just look multiple studies have shown that high-income people who get tax breaks are more likely to invest the money when low-income people who get tax breaks are more likely to spend the money.
Anon
Honestly, if you’re complaining about bunch of 22-year old, often minority, often first-gen college kids not having student debt, you’ve gone wrong in life.
Anonymous
That’s their choice whether they spend it or invest it. A teacher is no more deserving than a banker. These people are 22. It’s not like they have Goldman Sachs managing director $ they are just starting out. I’d venture to guess a 22 year old IB analyst WILL spend at least some of the money — nicer apartment, furniture, car etc. It all goes back to the economy.
Anon
Agree with you, Anon @ 11:43.
Anon
But these aren’t wealthy people. They are 22 year olds. Maybe the person with the fancy job realizes in a year they don’t want to do that and want to work for a nonprofit. With their loans paid off they can actually make that choice now
Anon
You’re making a large assumption: that the kids who are now investing their money instead of paying student loans won’t donate it later. That kind of generosity is contagious, and there is a tremendous incentive to thank those who did so much for you by paying it forward.
Anon
My optimistic spin on this is that maybe a few more kids decide to become teachers rather than bankers because they don’t have the debt looking over them.
Pretty Primadonna
It is! What a wonderful graduation gift to the class of ’19.
Anon
My Morehouse grad coworker feels the same about this as I do about my pre-911 GI Bill vs Post 911 GI bill… yeah, I wish it was me, but GOOD FOR THEM! This is a really, really good thing.
Anonymous
I’m being presented with an opportunity to move departments at work. It wouldn’t be a promotion, per se, but I would be moving into a department that has more money and whose leader has a better relationship with our SVP. I would report directly to the department manager, who reports directly to the SVP, so better visibility to the top, which could make a big difference to the success of my key projects. My position and title would not change, nor would my core job duties (at least on paper). My current department has had a lot of turnover and we are getting a new manager soon (my boss is basically being pushed out and is retiring). We’re buried inside an organization that is also poorly perceived and that doesn’t get a lot of resources, and there are rumors they’re going to dismantle the whole division and reorg us, with some layoffs/incentivized separations possible. So leaving before that happens would probably be an advantage, and I feel like it’s always better to choose where you move to rather than have it done to you.
However, what’s giving me pause is that I was presented the option for this move because they are also moving one of my coworkers, who is an excellent big-picture/strategic thinker, but not good with project management and task execution. While nominally we would be equals, she is more senior with the company and I think would be perceived as the “lead” on the projects we would technically be co-owning. She admits she is not great with organization and project execution, and so I’m worried the move will mean I will get stuck with all the grunt work, and she will be the “face” of the projects and get all the facetime/exposure to senior execs while I do all the not-so-fun workhorse activities. Is this something I could negotiate up-front with my new manager – an equal distribution of tasks? They are going to hire an admin support person to support my coworker (and me, if I move) – can I ask them to upgrade that position to a project manager so I don’t get stuck doing the PM work? Or should I just stay put and see what happens with my current department? I don’t want to make a move unless it’s the right one…thanks for any input.
azcpa
I think you want to try and move prior to the reorg – then you’d be in a position where you’d have to take whatever role was available. I think you can *ask* more about the role, but I think that more than that would create friction. If you would be equals, then it is up to you to lead when appropriate to get the exposure you want. If the two of you are given a project, then you need to work together to delegate the tasks fairly between you. If you believe she’d actively be taking credit for your work, that’s a different story, but doesn’t seem to be what you are indicating.
Sunshine
It sounds like the pros of the move outweigh the cons. You can’t negotiate the details up-front; as a hiring manager, I would find that to be quite a concern. You can take the role and demonstrate your ability to get stuff done. Hopefully your co-worker and manager will be the type who will give you credit and face time to demonstrate your talents. It’s actually a very good sign that you are being sought out for this other department.
It sounds like your current role isn’t much of an option, so if you don’t want to take this new role, consider what another move might be. Would you leave the company? Seek out some other internal role?
Alaska Cruise
Seeking your wisdom: our family is taking a Princess cruise to Alaska next month (7 days leaving and returning to Seattle). I have school-age kids (and we’re also traveling with my parents and extended family). What do I need to know about excursions, what to pack, etc.? We have done cruises once before with everyone. Looking for specific recs about Alaska weather, activities, etc. Thanks!
Anonymous
Alaska weather in the summer can vary A LOT. We did a one week Alaska cruise in July a few years ago (also on Princess). Within that week, some days were pouring rain and 50 degrees, other days were sunny and close to 80 degrees. I’d definitely bring a rain jacket and a hat and gloves, as well as lighter layers to wear if the weather is nice. Wear does your cruise stop? In Juneau, Mendenhall Glacier is a really popular attraction – our ship docked in Juneau at something like 6:30 am and we took a cab out there to be at the crowds (the bus doesn’t start running until 9 am or something like that). We really enjoyed that. I found Skagway super touristy and didn’t particularly enjoy our excursion to the Yukon border, mostly because the weather was crap. Ketchikan was fun to walk around in, but our day there was the aforementioned 80 degree day so we got back on the ship early and went swimming. Enjoy! The scenery when you cruise through the glacier areas is spectacular, and we were impressed with Princess.
Anon
Bring more warm clothing than you think you need for a summer trip. I knew it was going to be cooler, but did not bring enough true warm clothing. I ended up buying a sweatshirt and pair of gloves, and would wear two sweatshirts at a time. If I had to do it again, I would pack a sweatshirt, a warm fleece, and a raincoat and gloves and a hat.
Anon
Welcome! I live in Juneau and would greatly appreciate if you spent your money and booked your excursions when you actually get here so we can benefit from sales tax :) Mostly kidding; I hope you have a great time! I’d say look at the forecast as close as you can to when you leave, because it could be either 40 degrees and pouring rain (it is a rain forest after all) or 75 degrees and sunny or anywhere in between. In Juneau, I’d recommend eating at the Deckhand Dave’s food truck that is at the corner of Franklin St. & Front Street and getting ice cream from Coppa (there’s a food cart location; no need to walk to their main location.)
christineispink
I did a family cruise on Holland America last year (dad 64, mom 60, husband 35, me 34, sister 30). We saw Princess ships in all the ports. For Juneau, our whale watching excursion with harv’s and marv’s (chose b/c great reviews and smaller boat and we booked a “small” tour for 6 ppl for half the price of a private tour) got canceled due to large waves so we last-minute rented a car in Juneau (I booked it from the cruise ship as we were waiting to debark) and drove down to mendenhall glacier and walked around for about an hour. Ate at Tracy’s crab shack then drove to Douglas Island and did a beautiful hike (Rainforest Trail 45 min easy) I had researched prior to our cruise (always have a plan B!). We saw some whales far off in the distance during the hike so that was amazing. For our group of 5 the rental car and 2 Uber rides (for me and husband to pick up/drop off the rental) were cheaper than 5 roundtrip shuttle bus tickets to mendenhall.
Not sure of your itinerary but our next stop was Skagway: We booked a morning helicopter ride (Temsco) to glaciers in Skagway followed by an afternoon hike and raft float (Chilkoot Hike and Glacial River Float). The hike and float were amazing and pretty unique – the group is small so not many other ppl did it (our group was my family of 5 and another family of 4 from the princess cruise). For our group we knew we’d be back in Alaska and I figured I’d save the railroad trip for when my parents are older/less mobile and/or we have some toddlers in tow.
In Ketchikan, we did snorkeling (Snorkel Alaska) in the morning (very fun but we had a strong current and it tired me out – my mom had a bit of a panic when she first got in the water and sat out the rest of the time) and then the all you can eat crab feast. We had also strongly considered the nature walk and crab feast but decided to snorkel while my parents were able to (my mom had previously said she wanted to but her opinion was based on warm water snorkeling in the Caribbean). If I’d gone with my much older in laws would definitely have done the nature walk. We didn’t feel like we had enough time at the crab feast and they started slowing down how often they brought the crabs out towards the end but it was very delicious. The timing was a precise a tourist-churning machine they have perfected.
Summer
I LOVE summer but for the last few years, the season hasn’t lived up to my expectations for it. I think I’m not enjoying it as much as I expect to because I don’t have as many people to enjoy it with. I’m single while most of my friends aren’t and that’s casting a sad shadow on things right now, so I know that’s part of the problem. Nonetheless, I really want to make the most of this summer. Anyone have suggestions on how to get the most out of summer this year? Fun summer plans you want to share? Ideas for things I can do alone or ideas for fun parties to host?
Anonymous
Yes I am also single and I always write a list! Summer is actually not that long in the end. This year I want to go to the beach, tubing, have multiple lazy days by the pool, drink rosé outside in at least 5 diff restaurants, and have an oyster feast. That way I’m forced to focus and think about who I’d like to do those things with and plan in advance. My non single friends are still down to hang but need more advance notice.
Rainbow Hair
There’s some thing about how goals are supposed to be Specific Measurable Asomething Rsomething and Time-bound, and I love how specific your rose goal is!
Cb
I think you need a summer fun list, look up events exhibitions, and concerts you’d like to see.
Anon
Yes, make a list! It really helps. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that you kind of have to plan your own fun. We think fun just happens, but often it takes work, whether that’s rounding up a group to go to a concert, inviting people to the beach, or planning a picnic.
anon
OK, the idea of a summer bucket list is totally hokey, BUT IT WORKS. I realized a couple of years ago that I was letting the summer slip by. Last year I created a list of activities and chose a few each week. I divided my list into categories: recreation, date nights, friend outings, fun stuff to do with the kids, day trips. Having that structure helped a lot, and helped me plan ahead for dates and friend outings. I don’t think this is a single-person thing, honestly — everyone’s lives are busy and spontaneity is hard to come by. If you want to have fun, you have to plan to have fun!
Anonymous
I remember a couple years ago, a fall bucket list was going around Pinterest with things like go to a bonfire, drink apple cider, etc. I did many things from it and had so much fun! Sometimes you do have to plan fun!
Just from poking around, this list seems like a pretty good one for summer. https://www.pinterest.com/pin/ASyUpCrTrWU9WG1-lCNq5LrAQcxxfTsfybrqQn8qWwKcBzz3EaZMfDw/
Anon
I’m in MSP so I try to spend time on the lakes! If there’s a body of water near you, you may be able to find season passes for a kayak or paddle board rental place. I love the list everyone else is suggesting – get the summer bucket list issue of your local magazine and scope out events now. It’s a great season for hiking and exploring state parks. A common goal is always fun to work towards with a group – several of us trained for a women-only sprint triathlon a few years ago.
Ribena
Ooh, I need to make a summer bucket list too. I hosted a Eurovision party at the weekend so that’s one thing ticked off.
Davis
Fun! I’ve been making a seasonal list of fun things I’d like to try for a year or so. Some ideas aren’t summer exclusive (e.g. cooking class, museum, winery, star viewing program with state park), but they feel more pleasant to me in summer weather. My winter list always has ice skating (outside) so that’s obviously seasonal.
SSJD
Seeking your wisdom: our family is taking a Princess cruise to Alaska next month (7 days leaving and returning to Seattle). I have school-age kids (and we’re also traveling with my parents and extended family). What do I need to know about excursions, what to pack, etc.? We have done cruises once before with everyone. Looking for specific recs about Alaska weather, activities, etc. Thanks!
Anon
My husband and I have been invited to iftar tomorrow with a family from Bangladesh. Can anyone advise on appropriate behaviors for us as visitors to their home? And any recommendations for a hostess gift?
Anonymous
Just behave as you would normally! Iftar is just a festive meal. I’d bring flowers in a cheerful color.
Anonymous
Behave normally. It’s literally just a meal. People do it one of two ways — some people do iftar as heavy appetizers (think samosas, kabobs, chickpeas etc.); it’s MORE than enough to make a meal. Some people do a very quick iftar (like dates and maybe fruit salad or cookies) and then 15 min later roll right into dinner and then that is a much more usual Asian/Indian/whatever dinner. Since it’s an iftar party, I’d expect the former. Some people do a quick prayer before iftar — just a few lines that they read before breaking the fast; but some people don’t do it/just read it to themselves in their head/step aside for a few seconds before the time to break fast and read it off to the side. Nothing for you to do there, if they read it aloud or it’s obvious they are reading a prayer book at the table, just be respectful and quiet — but it’ll take like 1 min.
You can bring anything you want as a hostess gift — flowers are easy. Food is ok too but obviously I’d stay away from meats just in case they are halal (some families are; some aren’t; some aren’t but they are during Ramadan). Honestly if you want to do food do something festive that can be put out right then — like a cookie tray; chocolates etc. If you can find cookies with dates in them that’d be considered thoughtful (though don’t knock yourself out – there will be dates in abundance plus we all like chocolate cookies and the like as well :) Or more usual for the home hostess gifts are fine to — a plant; candles; a nice olive oil.
Anonymous
Thanks, all!
Anon
Seeking to understand how you would have reacted – I went to a walk-in medical clinic this morning and while I was explaining my symptoms the doctor said it may be allergies. When I said this is not allergies based on the severity and that I had lived in this area for over a decade and never experienced this before, he said “Yes, Dear” to me. Would you feel upset/dismissed?
My husband doesn’t quite get why I’m upset (I’m sure some of this is due to lack of sleep and frustration that I’m still sick a week after first starting to feel gross). Thank you to the hive for your wisdom.
Houda
I get “yes luv” from people in the North of England. I stopped reacting after the first 2 months.
Anonymous
Yes well that’s entirely cultural.
Anon
OP here – I guess it was just that he wouldn’t talk to a man like this, so why did he feel like it was appropriate to speak to me this way? I also don’t mind (hun, sweetheart, dear, etc) if it’s well-intended but this was said in a dismissive manner when I said that it wasn’t seasonal allergies.
Ellen
Yes, we tend to be marginalized by doctors, even the guy I dated thought I was just eye-candy, even tho I am a JD and a member of the NY Bar, both duly admitted and in good standeing. Why men think they are smarter then me I will NEVER know. FOOEY!
Anonymous
So two things. A- it could def be allergies. B- excuse me, my name is Ms. Stevens, thanks.
Anon
+1. I’d be annoyed about the “yes, dear” but the immune response that causes allergies gets worse every time you’re exposed to the allergen, so they do take time to build up and it’s very possible to experience them for the first time after living in one place for 10 years. My allergist said this is an abnormally bad allergy season, and I and lots of other people I know are suffering a lot right now.
anon
I cannot stand when people call me dear or sweetie, unless it is my parents. I haven’t been confrontational enough to say anything in the moment, but I would be upset just like you are. But don’t too stew long. It’s not worth it.
Oh and at a restaurant last night I heard a male server say to a (similarly young aged) female server “Will you please be a doll and hand me that?” I really wanted her to punch him in the face.
Lyssa
Just for the record, restaurant culture, at least in my area, is really strong on endearments between the staff. It’s really normal and she was probably saying things like that right back – you just fall into the habit. He wasn’t doing anything wrong.
I agree that the “yes dear” described above sounds really condescending.
Inspired By Hermione
I’d be irate. It’s dismissive and condescending. As a woman, our symptoms, pain, and lived experiences are regularly dismissed and discredited by healthcare professionals and this is an explicit manifestation of that. I’d make a complaint to his organization.
nona
1. You can develop allergies to places/things even if you didn’t previously have issues. Bodies are weird.
2. You sound like you were pretty dismissive of the doctor. And with the potential to be one of those patients that won’t do the work to rule things out with data because they just…know better. Yes, you do have to advocate for yourself within the medical system, but…get some data to rule out the obvious things?
3. Why not just get allergy tested (which would have been the next step, right?). Then the doctor has actual data to go off of in terms of helping you determine next steps. Or if you had told the doctor “yes, I’ve tried anti-histamines and they didn’t seem to do anything. What else should I be trying for allergies?”
OP
OP – a few things:
1) I appreciate the feedback that I may have been too dismissive of the doctor and I will keep this in mind moving forward. Thank you for helping me to be better.
2) Agreed that you can develop allergies at any time, and that allergies can definitely be awful so I apologize if that’s how I made it seem.
3) Thanks to those who validated my frustration. I think I’m ultra sensitive because I’ve had a bad year health wise and rarely go to doctors (traumatic child birth, ppd, etc.). When I have though, they haven’t listened. I’m sure this means I need to find new doctors, but truth be told, I’ve resorted to just powering through on my own.
Anonymous
I think it’s a matter of tone. If “dear” is essentially a verbal eye roll, then yes, it’s super rude. Your description makes it sound that way so of course you’re upset.
OTOH, I don’t get (as) offended when (certain) older men call me dear because I’ve heard them use similar, arguably worse, terms with men my age (“kid” or “boy”). Like dude, he’s 35-40, he’s been practicing law for 10-15 years, are you going to stop calling him your “very young colleague” ever? I guess I’d use that analogy to explain it to DH, though it doesn’t really capture the misogyny involved in “dear” particularly when coming from a medical professional.
Anon
This was my thinking. It all depends on tone and how he treated you otherwise. If you think you aren’t getting good care, get in to see your regular doc.
Senior Attorney
OMG I feel your pain. Years ago I was in marital therapy with my former husband and the therapist actually said “Whatever, Sweetheart” to me. I walked out and never went back.
Anon
Yeah, I would 100% be pissed.
Anonymous
I met a guy, could turn into a good friend and has romantic potential also. He’s very smart and knows a lot about many different subjects, which I like because I’m the same way. We’re both used to being right all the time, which is leading to occasional arguments. It usually starts when he says X, I know X isn’t true and say so, he says yes it is, I pull up a source that shows I’m right, he says that’s not exactly what he’s talking about…not the greatest conversation ever and neither of us is convinced most of the time.
I asked him if he thought there was a better way, and he said I should pick my battles more. He also says he feels like I don’t always take in his reasoning, and he has a less dominating personality than me and it’s exhausting to argue. On my side, I have a hard time letting go when I know I’m right and the other person doesn’t agree (the arguments seem pretty black and white to me, like whether something is grammatically correct, not like “is the death penalty wrong”…though he sometimes thinks there’s more grey area). If he weren’t so insistent that he was right I could let it go more easily. But I feel like he digs in so I dig in. And yes he has a gentler personality than I do and dislikes arguing more, but he never says “well, maybe you’re right” and tacitly agrees to drop it. None of the things we are arguing about are important, really. I just hate being told incorrectly that I’m wrong.
I guess I’m hoping for some tips on how to let go of being right in these situations…if that’s even the right thing to do. I know the answer might just be we aren’t compatible, but I don’t want to default to that answer, because I like him and have learned a lot from him even while getting frustrated at times. For what it’s worth I don’t get into this dynamic with other people much, including with other people who are smart and know a lot.
cbackson
I think you need to investigate why being right is so important to you and how, specifically, you are reacting in these situations. What are you feeling when he asserts X? When you think about letting it go, what does that feel like to you? Does it make you scary? Panicky?
There’s something going on for you emotionally about this, and I think you need to understand it, both if you want this relationship to happen and also if you don’t want to be stuck being That Person Who Must Have The Last Word all your life. The fact that you don’t get into this dynamic with other people is interesting, and you should think about what those exchanges are like and why they’re different. Is it possible that other people find this as annoying as he does, but they’re letting it go? (In which case, that’s not good for your other relationships.) Or are you better at letting things go with other people? (In which case, you need to figure out what’s different here – are you trying to assert dominance? Demonstrate your intelligence?)
Anonymous
As I am often telling my 6 year old, no one likes a know-it-all . . . I would work on why you feel the need to correct someone ad nauseum. In the immortal words of Elsa, let it go
JB
I’m going to just respond your last question on how to let go of being right. I look at this in two ways:
1) this is a relationship I care about while the topic/ argument is not something important to me. If it is important, say women’s rights, then we have a different. If the question is the circumference of the earth, what does it really matter. Remind yourself that the relationship is more important than being right and get used to agreeing to disagree or just shrug off the whole point.
2) enjoy feeling silently superior in your knowledge of correctness
Anonymous
You aren’t compatible.
Senior Attorney
This.
I completely agree that nobody likes a know-it-all, and that you should consider learning how to agree to disagree. BUT the whole thing about him critiquing your interactions with him… that seems like a red flag to me.
Anon
Absolutely this. I do think he sounds like he has a very fragile ego, but we can sit here and critique him all day, it’s not going to change the fact that this doesn’t sound like friendship material, let alone relationship material.
Anon
Honestly it sounds like fragile masculinity. This guy doesn’t like being shown that he is incorrect and makes it your problem… so you’re wrong for being right. I would not date this guy.
Anonymous
Yeah exactly. You aren’t the problem. Don’t make yourself less to make him feel bigger.
cbackson
I don’t know, y’all, I’ve had friends who behaved in exactly the way the OP described (like, “I need to pull out my phone during brunch so that you know that I am 100% correct about what country has the third-largest landmass in the world”) and I found it super annoying to deal with, gender aside.
Eh
Yes that’s annoying. BUT, the other person has to then accept that they were incorrect. They are incorrect, AND the phone-puller is annoying. Both are true. But when the phone-puller literally proves the other person incorrect, AND THEN the other person hedges their wrongness by saying “well I only meant on Thursdays” or “I only meant beluga whales, not all whales,” they have their own separate problem of being unable to admit when they were wrong. Both of these things are bad.
Anonymous
I think it matters whether the phone comes into play because you’re trying to prove the other person wrong, or if you’re trying to defend your position. From OP’s description, she’s telling the guy he’s wrong, and he comes back with, nuh uh you’re wrong! without offering any support. I can understand wanting to defend yourself when someone goes on the offensive like that. Pulling out the phone maybe isn’t the best move, but it’s not like she’s just waiting for the chance to tell someone how wrong they are – like the impression you get from some of those friends at brunch.
Monday
I agree. It might make sense for somebody to just drop the subject, but why would that necessarily be you? Especially if you have an objective source indicating that you’re right? Part of being an “intellectual” and debating for fun is that you can’t expect people to coddle your feelings when you’re wrong.
Rainbow Hair
This guy does sound like a turd. (TBH, I got over the “i’m intellectual! debating is fun!” thing in my early 20s because it stopped being fun, so the whoooole thing sounds unappealing to me, but) it definitely sounds like he wants to ‘splain things at you, and then if you call him out on being wrong, he’s a baby about it? That sounds exhausting.
How do you react when you’re wrong? Would you be OK with it if he acted the same way?
Anon
Agreed. I think it can be annoying that someone always has to correct everything I say, when also knowing that I do this too much. But if I’m wrong on a fact and they show me that with a trustable website, I’m going to believe them. I would never be able to date someone who can not admit that they were wrong on anything.
anon
This sounds like an exhausting dynamic for a romantic relationship, TBH. If I were you, I’d look closer into *why* you feel like you always need to be right and/or have the last word. I say this as someone who has struggled with this same issue. It may run deeper than your stellar ability to absorb objective facts. I don’t think I realized this about myself until I had a kid who always needs to have the last word — it is so very tiring. When he gets in that mode, I shut it down hard — but that means *I* can’t keep engaging either. Is it possible that others in your life are doing this to you, for the sake of keeping the peace?
Anon
In today’s Things That Will Never Happen,
Try to imagine a man doing a deep self-reflection about why he feels so strongly that he’s right when he’s actually right.
Anon
+1 – you can have intellectual debates when things are not objective (i.e. what’s the best economic policy? is Thai food better than Indian food?) but somethings aren’t up for a debate (i.e. Moonlight won the best picture Oscar and just because there was some confusion when the award was announced doesn’t change that). If you’re being insistent on being right for the second type of issue, that’s normal.
Anon
My husband would. My most recent ex-boyfriend does that all the time.
Katie
I agree. I have a friend who is like this, and while she is indeed very smart and knowledgeable, it’s exhausting to spend much time with her because she always must be the authority with the last word. Please do some work to explore *why* you are like this and if it’s something you are able to walk back at all – if not for the sake of this relationship, for that of the others in your life who may simply not be bold enough to call you on this.
Anon
There are some people who have an emotional need to be right because they want to dominate the other person.
There are some genuinely good people who “need” to be right, even when it seems like they are wrong, because they are not trained in debate (and therefore get tripped up in the nuances but can’t explain why), or they have always seen things happen in a certain way.
For example, someone who is ‘wrong’ about grammar may have always heard “If I was an octopus,” not the subjunctive “If I were an octopus.” You soften this by respecting their perception and saying, “This is a situation wherein the majority of the people use the wrong verb tense, but the technically correct verb tense is the one used less frequently.” Then go on to explain. Your goal is to explain the technical issue and the emotion behind it.
If it’s a situation wherein they lack the dexterity in debate, you don’t debate. You ask lots of questions and wait very patiently for the answers. Your goal is to draw out a nuanced version of what he is saying, so that you fully understand his own position. (Pretend that you are his lawyer and he is your client, and you need to articulate his position in a brief to the court.) Once that happens, you will find you disagree less than you think you do.
Final thought: there are large regional variations in the meaning of words. People in some parts of America can be a lot more literal than in others, and it makes it hard for the literal people to ‘turn it off’ when speaking to others.
Anonymous
And if it is like the octopus example, correcting someone is rude. Just move on.
Anon
Can I correct you on the difference between verb tense and verb mood?
“If I was” (where “if I were” is prescribed) is actually also often a regionalism.
Anon
Awww.
Anon
“Can I correct you on the difference between verb tense and verb mood?”
I don’t know – can you?
Anon
The difference between indicative and subjunctive is a difference between of mood, not of tense.
I was taught that parts of the midwest don’t distinguish.
Anon
You are missing the point: you “can” tell me the difference, but “can” is not the correct word to use there.
Larger point: don’t get up in people’s faces about grammar unless you want it doled out back to you.
AnonInfinity
Anon at 2:40 — Words change meaning over time. The second definition of “can” according to Merriam Webster is “have permission to– used interchangeably with may[.]” Not to get too pedantic in this debate about being pedantic. But, you know, pots and kettles and whatnot.
Anonymous
Wait, I must know–is it actually correct to say “If I were an octopus?” Because I feel like I have been corrected so many times to “If I was an octopus!”
Anon
Grammarist explains the “was” and “were” distinctions quite well. If you google “was vs were subjective” (no quotes), it will come up in the search.
Eertmeert
I agree with a lot of what Anon 11:07 said.
“There are some genuinely good people who “need” to be right, even when it seems like they are wrong, because they are not trained in debate (and therefore get tripped up in the nuances but can’t explain why), or they have always seen things happen in a certain way.”
My mom likes proving me wrong – even when she has no idea what she is talking about. She will nitpick here and there and the whole point is for her to have the upper hand. She is a super sweet lady in lots of other areas, and she thinks she is having a cool intellectual discussion, but it’s not a fun time for me. She is also very literal and hates arguments and confrontation.
So when I read OP “I pull up a source that shows I’m right, he says that’s not exactly what he’s talking about…” I got flashbacks to conversations with my mom. She is busy listening for the things she can get her hooks into and misses my bigger point. I do a lot of “that’s not what I am saying, what I am saying is blah-de-blah.”
Anon
Exactly!
As an attorney, I can tell someone that their objection is not material, or that fixing the defect in my language does not change the validity of my point. People who are not so trained get all tangled up and frustrated.
Incidentally, I had to train myself out of this — I finally learned that if I have to have perfect language to make a point, then the person isn’t interested in actual debate. They are interested in Being Right.
Anonymous
I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong, this guy sounds intolerable. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt that you’re correcting only objective facts that he’s clearly wrong about – like the sky is blue type facts* – not random things ad nauseam like someone else said. I would stop taking your phone out to show him he’s wrong, though. I’ve been on the receiving end of that (and I was NOT wrong btw) and it’s a really sh*tty feeling. In fact I think people dig in their heels even more when they’re confronted with evidence that shows them they’re wrong. You’re not proving your point, you’re just arguing about Exhibit A now too.
In any event, reciprocal heel-digging is not a good dynamic for a romantic relationship. If you know that you trigger that in each other, then don’t get involved. Also, if he’s arguing with you like this about something stupid then he’ll do this about something important. Can you imagine having a discussion like this about an emotionally charged issue, like how to care for ageing parents, or where to live, or whether to have children?
*Most people don’t correct things like this. I suppose they think it’s a matter of social grace. I disagree. It is not gracious to let someone run around looking dumb when you could politely let them know that they are mistaken. If they don’t want to accept your help then that’s on them, but I get really frustrated when I’m mistaken about something and I don’t get corrected until my third or fourth conversation about the same thing! Just tell me I’m wrong! Save me from embarrassing myself!
Senior Attorney
In any event, reciprocal heel-digging is not a good dynamic for a romantic relationship. If you know that you trigger that in each other, then don’t get involved. Also, if he’s arguing with you like this about something stupid then he’ll do this about something important. Can you imagine having a discussion like this about an emotionally charged issue, like how to care for ageing parents, or where to live, or whether to have children?
Just repeating this for emphasis.
Anon
Agreed, and it sounds like an exhausting dynamic for a friendship, let alone a romantic relationship.
Z
I work for a very big company having very publicly known restructuring/layoffs. Layoffs for supervisor level and below start tomorrow and will be complete by Friday. How can I keep myself sane over the next few days? This is my first job out of college and I haven’t experienced restructuring before. I know that there’s nothing I can do about it, but how do I carry on doing my work with all this uncertainty?
The original Scarlett
Personally, I’d be taking the time to have coffee and connect with as many people as possible now, and I’d spend time on my resume. I mean, get some work done but prepare to move. Even if you make it through the lay-off, you probably won’t want to stay there.
Ribena
I was in a similar boat in November and spent some time making a list of people to contact if I had bad news; people I’d worked with who had moved to other organisations or clients who had given me great feedback. It made me feel like I’d prepared as much as I could so I felt a lot calmer.
Anon
Companies reorg *all the time* when leadership changes. At your level, I wouldn’t really worry. You’re cheap labor at this point and laying you off isn’t going to help the bottom line. By the time you should worry, you’ll know.
Anon
I’m guessing the poster may work for Ford which is laying off 7k white collar workers. I wouldn’t be so dismissive of her concerns, as no one is safe in those situations.
OP- advice above about preparing for the worst now by updating your resume, making a list of people to network with, browsing job postings, etc is very practical.
Anon
Can someone link to last week’s post on adoption as a first choice? Thank you!
Pink
Not sure if this will work but – https://corporette.com/the-best-vegan-shoes-for-work/#comment-3914111
Anonymous
Thank you!
Anon
And this one:
https://corporette.com/weekend-open-thread-444/#comment-3915082
Anon
Is it normal to feel vaguely annoyed by men you’re dating in the early stages? This keeps happening to me and I don’t know if it’s normal or means the guy just isn’t right for me.
Anonymous
I think it’s worth considering a bit more. I often feel this, but if I’m honest with myself it’s just a defense mechanism so I don’t risk being vulnerable and getting hurt. Being able to identify that makes it easier to tell when actuallly oops I’m dating a man child.
January
+1
Anonymous
Not the right guy. When you meet the right guy, he’s not annoying.
Anon
+1
Anonymous
For me it’s meant it wasn’t right. If you’re head over heels, you don’t look for things to criticize.
How Long
This is very normal and I think just means this person isn’t right. My friends made fun of me a lot because I’d be vaguely annoyed about every guy. Then I met my current boyfriend, and I didn’t get annoyed, even when he was doing the same things as the previous men.
I will say that when I am getting more angry than annoyed, I take that to mean that I need a dating sabbatical. But just low level annoyance seems normal to me.
Anonymous
How early do you mean? I find dating apps pretty annoying in general. The fact that I find someone mildly annoying on the app is probably more a reflection of my feelings toward the app than him. If you’re annoyed after you meet then he’s probably not right for you.
anon
Maybe it depends on you? I was annoyed by DH’s habits all the time when we were dating and I still am. But I keep him around because he’s one of the most patient, forgiving men I’ve ever met. And it’s a good thing he is, because I’m a snappish and intolerant housemate (although I do have other good qualities, apparently).
Sir Madam
Would you still write “Dear Sir/Madam” as the greeting on cover letters these days when you don’t know the Hiring Manager name? What about for more new age tech companies? I’m writing a letter for the first time in a while, and it feels a bit forced to have “Sir/Madam” but I’m not sure what else to use?
Z
I use “To whom it may concern”
Anon
To whom it may concern?
Anonymous
No, I just write “Hello,”.
Mpls
+1 or Greetings.
I’ve also heard “Dear Hiring Manager” as a suggestion.
The original Scarlett
With LinkedIn it should be pretty easy to figure out a name or a good guess; also, tadsing I to the recruiter.
Anonymous
Oh typos, I was trying to say address it to the recruiter as an alternative
Mpls
I don’t think this is universally true. I think of my large organization and…if you can’t see the org structure, you have no way of knowing who the hiring manager actually is.
If the company expected you to address the letter to the Hiring Manager, that would be providing it in the posting.
The original Scarlett
Even if you get it wrong, I like to see the effort of an educated guess. It tells me you are actually writing about the job I have posted and not just applying to anything. To that end, head of the general area, any internal recruiter or head of recruiting are all better than sir/madam, to whom it may concern, no one, etc.
Mpls
Okay – it’s a personal preference for you. I still don’t think it’s good universal advice.
Anon
I don’t, I think it can come off as creepy/misguided.
Sir/Madam
I think I’m going to go with “Dear [Company name] team.” I’m a hiring manager myself and wouldn’t mind seeing that. I guess I also wouldn’t mind seeing Sir/Madam or To whom it may concern, but then I’m also not one of the “cool” kids in a hip company :P
Ribena
If it’s an email I use Good Morning/ Afternoon. Formal but not stuffy.
Anon
“Dear hiring manager”
Miss Kitty
I came across this article this weekend. While it was written in September 2018, it certainly feels relevant given the tumultuous headlines about abortion in recent weeks. I thought you would all find it interesting.
https://medium.com/s/can-we-talk/men-cause-100-of-unwanted-pregnancies-eb0e8288a7e5?fbclid=IwAR39dLszysy87BLHtVJyMH_5uE_ElSEUa61MD7MOHyNV0-BqE-s5QwixtBQ
Anon
I posted that here when it came out and I’m glad to see it’s still making the rounds. It’s so very, very true.
Anon
No spoilers, but last night’s game of thrones was amazing. I slept soundly from the first 10 minutes all the way until the end. My husband the GOT fan says I made the right choice.
anon
LOL! I am so glad this stupid show is over. I don’t watch it, have zero interest in watching it, and it’s all my friends and DH have wanted to discuss for weeks.
Anon
Same!
Anon
Me too!
I just don’t get all the love and media coverage of GOT. But if you want to talk about the last episode of the Big Bang Theory, I’m all in.
Anon
I was really disappointed in it. I won’t say anything spoiler-y here, but this piece basically sums up how I feel about a major plot point (article has spoilers): https://www.vulture.com/2019/05/the-big-bang-theory-finale-penny-pregnancy.html
Anon
I didn’t like that aspect either, but I did think it had some character growth that was pretty great to watch
FFS
Just a PSA on spoilers, make sure your links don’t themselves contain a spoiler.
anonymous
I’m the opposite. Don’t like Big Bang Theory, but love Game of Thrones.
Anon
Ooops, sorry!
anonymous
I liked the final episode. And I like the series as a whole, there were some things I didn’t like, but overall I think it is a great television show. I’m glad the series is over because I’m sick of hearing people complain about it. If you think the show sucks then come up with some ideas on how to fix it. I think they wrapped up all the story lines in a good way and it was time for the series to end.
Anon
Um, like most critics, I have lots of ideas about how to fix it, thanks! They all involve not squeezing 16 episodes worth of plot into 6 episodes.
Vicky Austin
+1
Anonymous
I haven’t watched the GOT finale yet, but I love Leslie Jones on twitter live-tweeting GOT and will miss that tremendously.
Perry
Happy Monday! Looking for some wisdom from the hive: I’m visiting a pregnant friend next month, who will be 8 months pregnant and is dealing with gestational diabetes. I really want to bring something nice for *her* but am completely at a loss. I know a massage is likely a go-to suggestion but I’m looking for something under $100. Any ideas from ladies who have been through it?
Anonymous
Earrings? Scarf? Something pretty that is guaranteed to fit and has nothing to do with the baby. If she doesn’t have access to a nice pool you could also consider a day pass to a hotel that has a really nice one.
312
Gift card for a pedicure … probably hard to reach her feet at 8 months …..
Anon
I would have LOVED an Amazon gift card that the giver said was to be used for Kindle books. I burned through books when I was nursing and kept downloading new ones! Also a gift card for a pedicure – since she has likely not been able to deal with her toes in a while. One of my favorite gifts (post-delivery) was a gift basket of lots of things I hadn’t been able to eat/drink while pregnant (soft cheese, deli meat, vodka, bottle of wine, coffee beans, gift card for sushi place that does takeout)
Anon
+1 to pedicure or gift basket of food for post-delivery.
anon.
My go-to in this situation (and one I loved myself) was a gift set of fancy body stuff (foot lotions!) from Sephora and maybe an assortment of face masks. Give with a gift receipt in case she hates the particular scent or whatever.
Anonymous
I would not give anything scented to a pregnant woman!
Anon
Pedicure gift certificate. 8 months is exactly when I stopped being able to reach my toes. I did not get a pedicure, so I delivered my kid with toe claws. Oh yeah.
Vj
Combination pedicure and diabetes is a big NO NO. Don’t give that!
Anon
Huh?? I had gestational diabetes with two pregnancies and I never had any restrictions against getting pedicures. Got one at the end of pregnancy both times and it was great.
Bette
My go to in this situation is ubereats/postmates/etc.
anon a mouse
I would give a pedicure plus a $50 ubereats GC so that she can order whatever she has missed most and have it delivered to the hospital bed. She’s on a restricted diet now, and I guarantee is already thinking about when she can have regular eating back. (or was that just me?)
Anon
What about getting a mani pedi with her and of course covering the cost? That way she can relax, not worry about driving there, and catch up with you.
Anon
Has anyone watched Killing Eve and A Discovery of Witch’s? Curious to hear your thoughts on those two shows.
Anonymous
Love A Discovery of Witches. I really enjoyed the books and the show is a great adaptation. Beautifully filmed, stunning locations, hot men.
emeralds
Just finished Killing Eve a few weeks ago! I looooved it.
And I’m really excited to watch A Discovery of Witches–I enjoyed the books a lot. I’m glad that early reviews from people I know have been mostly positive.
Anon
I watched the first season of Killing Eve and thought it was okay, but I wasn’t blown away. Not going to bother watching the second.
Anonymous
This is me, too. Did not agree with all the hype over Killing Eve.
Anon
I LOVED the first season of Killing Eve. Haven’t been able to watch the second season yet, but it is certainly high on my list.
Anon
Any tips for keeping a French braid tightly braided through your the day? I have thick and silky black hair. Though I know how to do a French braid, it always looks great for the first hour or so but then loosens up and fall apart by the afternoon. Hair spray does not seem to work. But when I do normal braids, they stay tight throughout the day.
Anonymous
Are you spraying before or after you braid? Getting your hair touched up before you braid will help. I use a beach waves salt spray to do it.
cat socks
Try braiding your hair when it’s dirty or try some dry shampoo or texture spray to make your hair more gritty than silky.
Anon
Texture spray is what you need. Dry shampoo can work but some doesn’t actually add the texture or hold that you’re looking for.
Anon
Take smaller pieces of hair when you weave them in, too big and it’ll be too loose. French fishtail braids also stay very well because the weave is even smaller.
lydia
try an inside-out french braid (it might be called a dutch braid?you braid under instead of over). Also, use dry shampoo or texturizing powder (I like Bumble and Bumble’s Pret-a-Powder) to give your hair some grip.
Anonymous
For me, dirty hair stays so much better than clean hair.
anon
Lean back further–so that the hair is falling straight down when you braid it.
Lily
Do you have a recommendation for a certified financial planner in the Portland Oregon area? I am seriously considering retirement by age 50-55 and want to assess if that’s a possibility and how I can get there. I am 35 years old now.
Anon
Just want to give a shout-out to Long Shot, which I saw in theaters this weekend. Seth Rogen plays the same character he always does, so there’s quite a bit of gross-out humor, but it is really hilarious and sweet and ultimately, a very feminist movie. It’s one of the best rom-coms I’ve seen in years, if not decades. It’s not doing well because it’s up against Avengers, and I wish more people would see it to tell movie studios we like rom-coms with strong female leads.
Original Moonstone
Thanks for the recommendation. I may go after work one night this week.
Katie
Thanks for this – I’ve been meaning to check it out. Will be sure to do so now.
LaLaLondon
I definitely had issues with it, but was overall so charmed by their chemistry, and came out so mad that it’s already down to like one screening a day.
Senior Attorney
Thanks for this! Believe it or not my husband is a big lover of rom-coms, so we will have to check it out!
Anonymous
I have it on good authority that Seth Rogen is about to come out with a film in which he plays someone else. And I am told he’s also very very good in it.
azcpa
I loved everything about this movie until the last five minutes. I was incredibly disappointed that a charming, funny movie with characters who had great chemistry and messy lives had to be tied up in the tidy bow they chose.
Anon
Eh, it’s a light-heartened romantic comedy, and people love a happy ending. I don’t want to be too spoilery, but the tidy bow did not involve major career sacrifices or personality changes on the part of Charlize’s character, which is often the case in these ‘high-powered woman falls for sloppy guy’ movies, and I really appreciated that.
azcpa
See, I disagree since I think she absolutely lost key personality pieces right at the end; even her clothing changed. Over coffee after it, my co-ed group came up with five different possible endings for it, all of which were “happy endings” and would have been more true to both characters’ story arcs.
Anon
I’m curious to hear your alternate endings! I talked to one friend about it and she would have liked a Roman Holiday-style ending but I don’t really consider that a happy ending, although I do love that movie.
AnonZ
Low stakes Monday morning question…
Is there any way to look professional in pigtails? My go-to weekend hairstyle is pigtails fastened right behind my ears so the “tails” come forward over my shoulders. I think it’s more flattering to my face than a ponytail but still keeps the hair more contained than wearing it down.
I’m wondering if I could figure out a more polished version to wear to work… but am I fighting a losing battle in that no one would take me seriously even with nicely styled pigtails?
Anonymous
No. You cannot wear pigtails to work.
Anon
Yeah, sorry, but I don’t see that working out (and I deviate from professional norms WAY more than is socially acceptable sometimes).
Anonymous
That depends. Do you work at a music festival or a yoga studio?
Senior Attorney
Haha good one!
Anonymous
So you want to look like a preschooler? Cue the next post — no one takes me seriously and they call me dear, I have no idea why.
Miss Kitty
I wouldn’t wear them to work because I would look ridiculous but google “Victoria justice low pigtails.” I like that look.
Anonymous
Yeah, no. There is absolutely no way.
Anon
Nope :/ Try fluffing your ponytail up so that you can get some of the same shape. With a bit of experimentation I bet you can get to something close.
Redux
I sometimes put my hair in multiple low buns across the nape of my neck. I don’t think of it as pigtails, but it operates the same while definitely being an “updo.” Link to follow.
Redux
http://www.freckled-fox.com/2012/04/hair-tutorial-braided-bun.html
Diana Barry
Definitely not. You could do a side ponytail (low!) and drape the pony over one shoulder but not pigtails.
anon
Noooo, you cannot do this. You could maybe — maybe! — do a side pony for work, but even that could read too young/girlish.
Go for it
No. No. There are other options. Look on Pinterest.
Ginjury
Agree with others that regular pigtails as you describe them would not really work in an office environment because they just read very young. What about a side pony or wearing your hair down and using bobby pins to pin each side of your hair back to just behind your ears so it’s a similar visual effect?
Rainbow Hair
If you like the balanced-on-each-side-of-your-face thing, what about parting in the middle and doing that thing where you grab the hair above your ear, twist once, and pin?
Rainbow Hair
This, ish? https://stylecaster.com/beauty/1-3-ways-twisted-style-straight-hair/
Jules
Someone recently joined a women’s group I’m in, a woman of about 50, and I was surprised when I learned her job – she runs a physics lab at an Air Force base – in no small part because she wears braided pigtails all the time. It is just not an adult presentation (also, if a bit irrelevant, the look is spectacularly unflattering on her, which I’m sure is not the case for you).
I wore pigtails for a Wednesday Addams costume at Halloween – with a tall slender friend who was Morticia – and they were kind of cute, but I cannot imagine wearing them to my law office. So I’m with all other naysayers on this one.
STEM girl's mom
How does a high school student go about get experience working in a research lab and/or access to a lab and an advisor for a science fair project? Since our daughter declared at age six that she wanted to be a scientist, we’ve sent her to every science enrichment program and summer camp we could find, but her first-choice college seems to be expecting peer-reviewed publications and I have no idea how a high school student is supposed to conduct original scientific research. As a social scientist, I didn’t start writing for publication until grad school.
Anon
There are summer camps that give kids hands-on research experience. MIT’s RSI is the one I’m most familiar with, but I know other elite universities have them too. Otherwise, do you have a local university? Can she take any university classes? If she takes a university class in her field of interest and does well, that faculty member should be an entree to research. Even if they’re not able to hire her, they can can connect her to someone who can. I wouldn’t expect to be hired for someone’s research lab until junior year at the earliest, since most professors will want you to have AP/college level work in the relevant field.
Anon
Maybe I’m missing something, but I’d try to figure out what her first choice is actually expecting, and then how to get that for your daughter. I wrote an undergrad thesis as part of my major-specific honors program at a (very large) state university and even that feels a bit like a practice round in hindsight. No one really cared what I was writing about so I can’t imagine anyone getting peer reviewed in HS. I’m open to correction, though, college admissions has really gotten out of hand!
Anon
I think “expects” is a bit strong, but doing scientific research in high school is definitely a very good way to increase your chances of admission to schools like MIT, Caltech and the Ivies. The reality is these schools have way more valedictorians with perfect test scores and tons of AP classes than they can possibly accept – some will get in, but most won’t. Original research definitely helps distinguish you from the pack. Publications seem very unrealistic to me though, because in most fields there’s a 1-2 year lag time to getting a paper written and accepted, and you apply in the fall of your senior year, so you’d have to be doing this research as a freshman to have a paper accepted.
Anon
Thanks–distinguishing original research from publication makes it make more sense. The former seems like a good use of time, the latter seems like an unreasonable expectation for a high schooler.
Go for it
Some schools do this. My oldest did it for a STEM project. Email department chairs locally and inquire for assistance. Colleges are out on summer break now; however, often staff still checks email. Best of luck!
Anon
I have a degree in engineering from an elite university and have some opinions about this.
No high schooler is performing original research. It is either research that has been performed in ten million previous science fairs, or is 100% at the direction of the person running the lab or the project. They lack the scientific training. You aren’t “performing original research;” you’re getting some basic lab experience to decide whether or not it’s a good fit.
If she wants to be a R&D scientist, she’s going to need a PhD. While going to CalTech will open doors for her forever, it’s not as important as you would think.
Anon
I agree 100% with your last paragraph, but you can perform original research at the direction of the PI. A high school student working in a lab on an original research project is doing original research, it doesn’t mean the high schooler is coming up with the big ideas. Everybody assumes the lab PI is the one who is driving the direction of the research, and the high schooler/undergrad/even grad student in the lab is largely following directions.
And there are actually some high schoolers who do original research in the sense you mean. There are prodigies who have completed grad level-course work by the age of 16 and can make independent contributions at that point. I know someone who made a significant contribution to mathematics and was the sole author on a paper in the best journal in the field while in high school. It is exceedingly rare (like, so rare it was national news) and is by no means required even for admission to places like Caltech, but it is does happen.
Anon
Math is actually different, though, because (in most branches) you don’t need $$$ for equipment and materials to figure out if your big idea pans out. A high-school prodigy in biology might have an idea that ends up being a significant contribution, but she’s probably not going to be able to prove it without going through a PI to get grants, etc. And even if a PI takes up the idea and works with her to do the requisite experiments, it’s going to take years to get through the grantwriting/experiment/publication cycle. So even for the brightest students, “original research” almost certainly means, in practice, doing lab tech work in a research lab that is devoted to chasing up someone else’s big ideas. Which is fine, and will still be impressive on a college application!
Anon
We are in agreement.
I don’t address the “so rare it makes national news” situations precisely because they are so exceedingly rare. Great for you that you want to waste your time describing literal one in a million situations, but that’s not how I run my life.
anne-on
Does your local high school (or any in your town) participate in the Intel (used to be Westinghouse) science competition? This was A BIG DEAL in my public high school and we had to test into the ‘westinghouse’ scholars program and then were assigned mentors in junior year with the expectation that we spent junior year into senior year doing original work with our mentors. Our school had a LOT of semi-finalists and finalists so there was a well set up pipeline of mentors, but if any of the local schools compete I bet they have ways to link up working scientists with young scholars. FWIW, when I say A LOT of time I mean that it was expected that kids put in at least 10-15 hours/week in the lab on top of school work (including multiple APs, maintain a VERY high GPA and basically work 40-50 hours a week in the lab over the summer). Many kids (including me!) said no thanks to that expectation and basically wrote theoretical papers built on pre-existing research for the school component and skipped doing the competition itself. But if she’s into it, this competition can be life-changing, there is serious prize money and you’re basically guaranteed a spot at a university of your choosing.
https://www.intel.com/content/www/us/en/education/competitions/international-science-and-engineering-fair.html
Anonymous
Are there any small liberal arts colleges nearby? There’s a chance that a science professor might take on a high school student for a summer research project. Funding for research is very hard to come by in undergraduate institutions and so unless a college student or professor recently won a grant, often times the professors are reluctant to ask their regular research students to work for free over the summer since many need to work to earn money (my husband is a professor and this is his view at least). Since this would be a volunteer position for your daughter a professor might be more willing to let her spend some time in a lab shadowing them or one of their other research students. It’s highly unlikely she would be performing original research or substantially contributing unless she truly is a prodigy, but it can still be a valuable experience. I would suggest any inquiry come from her, not a parent. You can certainly guide the writing/proof read but a demonstration of genuine interest will be important to a professor reading the email. Take a look at the college website and see if anyone’s research area sparks your daughters interest and reach out. Good luck!
Encouragement
How do you not get deflated when a more sr. attorney/partner totally misunderstands what you said ==> explains things in an email copying several people to which you cannot respond, “Yes, that’s what I said.”
I feel so stupid, except that I guess I’m not? Ha. Certainly a take away to work on my clarity, but also, I am not wrong. Boo.
Anon.
“Great! Seems like we are on the same page.”
Engagement photos
I’m engaged (woo!) and getting engagement photos done in a few weeks. We’re based on NYC so we’ll probably take photos in the typical Central Park locations :)
Any tips for feeling natural in front of the camera?
I’m also looking for clothing advice- What type of outfits will look the best? Should I avoided patterns etc?
Thanks in advance for helping this engagement newbie!
Anon
I would ask your photographer all of these questions!
Anonymous
Thanks! I will
JS
Definitely send outfit options to your photographer! Small prints do not photograph well, pick fabrics with movement, and wear clothes you either already own or would buy for your real life.
If you want romantic pretty photos, Lulu’s makes such pretty dresses that are perfect for this. My first outfit was a Lulu’s dress with FH in a sports coat and dark jeans, and second outfit was jeans + leather jacket for me, jeans + denim jacket for FH. I loved how both outfits turned out and was glad to have the option of more formal and more relaxed photos.
Your photographer should coach you through the session, but just have fun! We watched this video and practiced all these poses half as a joke but it really helped with my nerves because I’m such a planner: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvpakdISnx4
Rainbow Hair
For feeling natural… I ended up really enjoying taking our engagement photos, because it was like 80% just giggling and being super in love. If you focus on your person instead of the photographer, it will be fine!
I wore a white dress (short, a little sporty) because I wanted to nod to it being wedding-y.
anon
How long should it realistically take to get over severe burnout at work? About a year ago, I started pulling back on how much I invested in my work, just to catch a breather and recover from several years of taking on way too much & enduring a lot of upheaval in my organization. I took a lot of vacation time. And now? My motivation is completely gone. Unless I’m on deadline, I’m doing the minimum and not much more. I know this isn’t sustainable, but it’s like my spark is gone completely. The go-getter part of my brain is just … done. I still feel tired/exhausted at work and cannot muster up much enthusiasm for anything, even the stuff that’s easy for me. My boss is not going to be a source of support in this situation, unfortunately. How do I turn this around? I’ve very much become a work-to-live person, after years of being the opposite, and I don’t think I have a healthy balance. I’ve taken it from one extreme to the other. Getting a new job may be the only answer, but at this point, I’m legitimately concerned that I’m not in a good headspace for a new challenge.
Same boat
Following for more ideas.
Try getting your joy from things outside of work or picking up one or two passion projects until you can jump ship. I find unplugging completely helps- go into nature, preferably a place without phone signals, internet, tv.
For me personally- I know applying to a different job in an adjacent practice area may be the key. Just looking at what other jobs pay, the type of work i could do and dreaming about (a likely impossible) work to life balance helps to motivate me. I interviewed a few months ago for jobs that expected even more out of me than my current job which helped put things into perspective. I will keep looking until I can find something that works for me.
Ariadne
For those of you who shop bricks and mortar, do you go shopping alone, or with friends or a spouse?
I live in a large west coast city, and often on weekends, will go for lunch and a long walk /exercise with my husband. Invariably, we walk by nearby stores and pop in for about 20 minutes or so in each, and my husband comes with me. He is patient, and super helpful if I ask about how something looks. We don’t go out planning on shopping— it’s more like we wander around, have coffee, and browse. I end up buying things this way, rather than having a marathon try on day/ shopping day. I enjoy this type of shopping, as I get to spend time together with my spouse, rather than a whole day of looking for specifics, which may yield nothing.
My sister (who lives four hours away— thus I cannot go with her much) believed I should go alone if I really want to find specific things. Her perspective has me wondering— is shopping alone better?
Anon
Why would you change what is clearly working for you? It sounds like a great way to spend time together.
Ariadne
I definitely enjoy this way of spending time. Sometimes I want to shop and explore places longer, but I avoid this to not keep spouse waiting. He doesn’t mind waiting, but I feel internal pressure to hurry, whereas if I went alone, I would likely take more time. I guess I’m wondering if more time= finding better items?
Anon
Meh, maybe? I shop exclusively alone and usually I get bored and tired before I find a great piece. Good enough is generally enough for me to be done. But, some people enjoy the hunt more than I do and you might be one of those!
Ariadne
I think you nailed it here…I get bored, tired, and anxious when I shop alone. Lately I’m struggling finding a couple of dresses (usually dresses look good on me and are easy to find), and pants (a constant struggle, which is why I gravitate towards dresses:)
Anon
+1
Anon
I think it depends on the person. If I had a spouse who was willing to wait, didn’t find it boring, and didn’t complain, I would totally take your approach. But most men would either find it boring and/or complain. It is also not a realistic approach for people with kids.
Personally, I hate shopping with friends. We are often not the similar sizes, which normally just ends up in my feeling bad about myself.
Anon
I don’t shop brick and mortar very often but when I do I’m laser focused and it is not a fun friend activity. I prefer to go alone. My friend who most likes shopping together is the opposite – she likes to go into multiple stores and look at everything in a very unfocused way because she finds it fun, but I don’t, so a better use of our friend time is to just meet for lunch in the middle of one of her shopping days. That way I can have a nice lunch with her, maybe hit one or two stores with her after lunch, and then leave when it starts to be too much.
Anonymous
If I’m on a mission (e g., Need a new pair of black pants for next week), I go alone; I hate it and wouldn’t put anyone else their that pain. A casual browse, I might, but I rarely casually browse.
Anonymous
I am looking for crowd-sourced thoughts on a dilemma:
I met a guy out one night. We hit it off. In the conversation he told me he is an artist and gave me details about where/when I could see his work. I put it in my calendar and he indicated he’d send me a formal invitation. We were just talking, but I was sincerely interested in both him and his work. We were leaving the place we met to go elsewhere together, when our evening was interrupted by an emergency that meant I could not go to the second spot. I left in a rush without exchanging numbers/contact info. He kind of called out asking how he’d find me again and I said I’d go to his upcoming show. I wish now that I had taken one minute to exchange info, but I was flustered. I dont think this was really going somewhere serious, but it was going somewhere (literally) before the interruption. It’s been weeks. But I am still interested, even if (and maybe only if) it is something casual. He told me his address in our conversation. He lives very close to me and I drive by his home regularly (but not intentionally). I am certain he is single. Would it be crazy/weird to go to his show? He may not even recognize me, though I do expect he’d recall the evening if reminded of the details.
Anonymous
It sounds like you talked to this guy for an extended period? And it was within the last month? Why wouldn’t he recognize you? Go to the show if you want to see him again!
Anonymous
Well, there was alcohol involved and I am not a stunner these days. He was initially drawn to me because of my clothing, which I feel confident I could accomplish again. He called me beautiful during the conversation, but there was a motive in that statement, so it is hard for me to measure his sincerity or have confidence that I made a lasting impression.
Anon
Girl, you need some self-confidence! He may not want to marry you, but he was clearly attracted to you. Most likely he remembers you and is hoping you’ll show up, but even if he doesn’t particularly care one or the other, it’s not weird for you to be there. You were/are genuinely interested in his art, and have a reason for showing up that has nothing to do with any potential romance.
Anonymous
Yes, you pegged it. That is really what I need to get a handle on. I haven’t been out there in a long, long time, so I lack confidence and question my own judgment now. I am not looking for or offering marriage. That’s the part that is tricky for me, though — this had a very casual vibe, so I’m sketch on whether following up is appropriate.
Anon
Go to the show! Why not? I think it’s also fine to reach out via Facebook also, which you can probably find if you know where he is showing.
Anon
Yes, go to the show! If you get to talk to him again and there’s still a spark you can tell him that you’ve been thinking about him/are interested in him and see where it goes from there! I think it’s pretty low stakes and if he shows up with a girlfriend or something it’s the kind of event where you can wander around for a bit and leave and it won’t be awkward.
Anon
Yes, definitely go to the show! If he’s obviously not interested, you can say you just came for the art, which is sort of true anyway.
Anon
Go to the show! He might be really hoping you show up! Ditto to everything 2:18 said.
UHU
Go + take a friend! It’s not weird and artists love to have people show up for their exhibits/screenings/performances etc.
Anonymous
That is great advice. Unfortunately, I don’t think I have a friend who would be an appropriate companion. I am going to go in with the “artists love to have people show up” attitude, though.
Anon
I’m only half kidding when I say to post your city and see if any of the women here would be your friend-for-a-night.
Rainbow Hair
I’d go with you!
Anonymous
Awww, thanks, Rainbow Hair. Not in your city, but you seem like you’d be a great companion for this.
Anon
Go!!! And prepare that you may not have time to talk to him because he’s shmoozing other people. If write a note beforehand that says hi, we met a few weeks ago, sorry night was cut short but would love to catch up again, here is my number— and then you can just hand it to him and walk away mysteriously!
Anonymous
I am going to take this advice, too. I can make a call on the fly as to whether to pass the note, right? I can sign that note in a way that will remind him exactly who I am.
Azera
Oh my goodness, this is like a romantic movie! You seems so mysterious after running off and now he has no idea if he’ll ever see you again! Think how excited he’ll be when you turn up up ar his show (although he may play it coool). Love the note idea too! PLEASE let us know how it goes! Good luck!
JS
The beloved Old Navy swing tshirt dress has elbow length sleeves this year and I just cannot handle the extra fabric in the heat. Has anyone seen a reasonably priced alternative with regular tshirt sleeves this year?
Mpls
Why not buy it and have the sleeves hemmed shorter? Or removed?
Ariadne
I notice gap has some of the swing dresses. Old navy has a ruffle sleeve option which may be cooler, though not sure if it’s a look you like. I’m wondering if old navy will bring in sleeveless or shorter sleeves as the weather gets warmer? I also noticed the in store selection may be different.