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Updated: Dec 21, 2020 150 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread | ·

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I have been wary of wide-leg pants in prints since I bought some blue stripey ones several years ago — I happily wore the pants to brunch and my then-2-year-old said, “Mommy, why are you wearing pajamas?”

So.

#PantsFail.

Still — I'm seeing more and more women wearing wide, flowy pants this year, and everyone else looks glamorous and chic and not at all as if they've wandered outside in their pajamas.

So I'm giving these speckled pants from Nordstrom brand BP. a try. (They also come in a bright green stripe; these mossy green linen ones are also really cute.)

I feel like for maximum cuteness I should wear them with either a bodysuit or a cropped top, but that won't be happening — I'll report back if I can make them work with a casual tee (hmmn, or perhaps a slightly fitted top like this or this).

They're $55 at Nordstrom and come in both regular and plus sizes. Tie Front Wide Leg Pants

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Comments

  1. GOT finale

    I feel like this is an Super-Bowl type event, where even if you don’t follow it, this is probably worth watching. I got in for the last series (and have enjoyed, but am clueless and less angry about things than my friends), but am such a noob that I’m not sure if you watch in groups like the Super Bowl or just sit home alone with the captions on, throwing things at the TV and posting snarky memes.

    • Abby

      I really want to throw a GOT party, but also I want to watch with just my husband, either way there will be tons of wine and whiskey. I’m so sad it’s ending (except maybe GRRM will finally write the books??), I feel like it’s the Harry Potter series of my 20s.

      • Gail the Goldfish

        If you’d like the Harry Potter series of your 30s, I was super excited by the promo before GOT last week for the BBC’s His Dark Materials trilogy series that HBO is going to air (release date TBD). His Dark Materials was technically classified as young adult, but I always thought it was deep enough to be considered an adult series, just that the protagonist happens to be a child.

        • Gail the Goldfish

          Also Amazon is doing a Wheel of Time series. Basically all my favorite fantasy series are now becoming TV shows.

          • Abby

            Wow I read that trilogy, never knew it was called His Dark Materials. I’ll have to check both of those out! The promo I saw was for Chernobyl which I think I’ll end up watching…

      • Vicky Austin

        I’m so terrified that it will really be over and we’ll have to accept whatever the ending is, after all these years of speculating and coming up with better ones on the internet!

        That said, I don’t really know anybody in real life that I want to watch with, so yes, it will just be me on my couch yelling. I also really want to find more fantasy by women to fill this new void with, so if anybody has any recs for that…

        • Abby

          Do you watch westworld? I don’t see it lasting as long as GOT, but the story is pretty interesting. I also think Mad Men would interest you even though it’s not really fantasy, (sorry if you’ve already seen it). The female characters really develop throughout the seasons and I love the fashion.

          • Vicky Austin

            I did watch the first season of Westworld (when I briefly paid for HBO to watch GOT season 7, lol), and now that I’ve briefly paid for HBO to watch GOT8, I want to watch season 2! I could get into Mad Men…

          • Abby

            I didn’t think Westworld season 2 was as good as season 1, but a lot of that was because the surprise factor wasn’t really there anymore, I expected crazy plot twists, similar to GOT. I really only started Mad Men because of Jon Hamm and the clothes, but it’s now one of my favorite shows.. lmk if you try it and like it!

        • anne-on

          Oooh I almost entirely read Scifi/fantasy by women! My recent favorite authors are Naomi Navok (spinning silver was fantastic!) and anything really by NK Jemisin. Becky Chambers space series books were all amazing, but I think her last one (a closed and common orbit) was my favorite out of the three.

          • Vicky Austin

            I just started the first N. K. Jemisin that was available at my library! So far I really like it. Thank you for the other recs!

    • Anonymous

      Idk, it’s on so late that I don’t really want to go anywhere to watch it. But I realize that I’m much more cranky about late night weeknight events than most.

    • Anon Lawyer

      I’m so mad about the last episode that I’m not even sure I want to watch. But I’ve stuck with it this long, so I know I will. I’m lame, so I will watch with my parents.

    • cat socks

      I’ll be watching it at home with my husband and sister-in-law. We’ve been watching all.of the last season together. I’m actually ready for it be over and for all the storylines to wrap up. I hoping it’s good. I can’t imagine them doing something as bad as the Dexter series finale.

  2. Burberry clone

    Any recs for a clone of the Burberry trench?

    I have an old one to replace (not Burberry either). Pear-friendly clones most welcome.

  4. Anon

    I have some wide-leg pants that look sleek and fashionable, but these look like circus pants. The patterns are weird and the proportions are just off.

  5. Anon

    Suggestions for fun tops and dresses for weekend in the late spring/summer? I’m looking for things for going to craft beer type bars, museums, etc, and maybe something a bit more dressed up too. I’m average height and very skinny with a small bust – anything too floral and flowy makes me look and feel like a little girl. I also prefer neutrals and rarely wear colors. I’m more of a t-shirt -jeans-converse-moto jacket person, but would like to upgrade from target t-shirts and add some dresses in there. I have a pair of black chunky heel sandals that I love to death in the summer (Tom’s Poppy).

    • Miss Kitty

      I had luck recently finding both nice going-out tops and V-necks (casual but feel dressier than target) at White House Black Market.

    • ATL rette

      I got a button front linen blend midi dress w/spaghetti straps and it’s been surprisingly versatile so far this summer. Can wear with flats, sneakers, sandals or wedges depending on activity and it works for most events

    • Pretty Primadonna

      I just purchased this dress from Loft. I thought it was cute and a little unique but also comfortable and can be dressed up or down. I haven’t received it yet, but I think it would suit you so long as it isn’t so big that you’re swimming in it. Link to follow.

    • pugsnbourbon

      Those are great sandals! I am on Team Jumpsuit for nearly all occasions. I am a target/old navy/TJMaxx level shopper and have been finding so many cute options at each of those places.

    • Abby

      I also have a small bust and you should try open back dresses if you feel comfortable! I love them and can get away without wearing a bra, but I love all dresses from Lulu’s..maybe too young for your tastes but all of my favorite summer dresses are from there.

    • Rainbow Hair

      LJ! LJ! LJ!

      Or if it’s too warm for that, a moto cut jacket in a different fabric. I find I can wear my waxed denim moto jacket basically all year. I have basically an opposite body from you (busty! curvy!) but I love the look of an LJ with a floaty summer dress to give it just a tiny edge.

    • cat socks

      I always find cute dresses at Nordstrom rack. I like the Old Navy jersey swing dresses too.

    • Anonymous

      Amour vert? Reformation? Very cute spaghetti strap dresses at Reformation too

    • NYNY

      Banana Republic has a column dress in solids or stripes that would probably look great on you. Sleeveless, midi-length, and could read as casual or elegant depending on what else you wear with it.

      In general, I’m a fan of knit dresses in warm weather. Feels like a tee shirt, looks like a dress.

  6. Elec Girl

    It’s finally warm here in Toronto (High teens C/Low 60s F) and I’ve pulled out my Danier leather jacket! (its a buttery soft plum colour) I’ve been wearing it in the office as a sweater and today I got a funky look from one of my male colleagues for wearing a jacket inside. Is this not a thing? (For what its worth I’m 25, new grad working as a engineering consultant, and I work exclusively with men, so they could all just be clueless about fashion. Firm is business casual)

    Alternative question, how do you fashion conscious ladies stay warm in the office in the summer when the AC is relentless? Is a wool or cashmere sweater really worth it? I’m paying off student loans like a mad woman so spending $100+ on a nice cashmere sweater seems a bit extra.. but I’ll do it to stay warm!

    • nuqotw

      My office in Maryland is relentlessly cold year round and I wear my jacket indoors from late fall – early spring months, weird looks from coworkers be damned.

      I am not what you would call fashion conscious but my strategy the rest of the year is keeping a cardigan or two in my office.

    • Anon

      1) Even though it’s low 60s, it’s spring and weird to wear a leather jacket
      2) Leather jackets have not ever been business casual, even in a pretty color.

      • Ms B

        Disagree on both counts. I have two leather/pleather jackets that are suitable for business casual wear (both soft leather with conservative cuts) and wore one of them this week with a shell and trousers when the temp topped out at 60 degrees.

        Also, I do not let the men in my office dictate what I wear. I decline to take fashion advice from people who look like they just stepped out of the Midtown Uniform Insta.

    • Anon

      I’d wear the gorgeous jacket and not assume my male colleagues had the first idea about fashion.

      For warmth, I wear a lot of pashmina type things at my desk.

    • Anonymous

      You can wear cheaper cotton or merino sweaters – look at Uniqlo or Lands end. I always have wear a blazer or cardigan at work; otherwise I would freeze.

    • Never too many shoes...

      In Toronto, even in the AC, it will be too hot for cashmere. Really.

    • Anonymous

      I do a lot of sheath dresses and blazers in the summer. Just remove blazer when going outside obv.

      If you’re in a more casual workplace, add a sweater to a short sleeved or sleeveless top – merino is great for this. Usually go for lighter colors in summer sweaters. I keep a black wool cardigan in my office year round.

      I’m team leather jackets are for outside but I know that view is far from universal.

    • tesyaa

      The issue IMO is not that it’s leather, it’s that it’s outerwear worn indoors.

      • Anon

        +1. If it’s a leather BLAZER, that’s completely OK. But even a traditional cut leather jacket would look odd indoors. If it has buttons (vs a zipper) it could maybe pass for a blazer.

    • Anon

      I have totally worn my (vegan) leather jacket as part of my day-long outfit in my business casual environment (where I usually tend to be on the dressier side but with an added twist). It’s cute! I feel great in it!

      As someone alluded to above, if every guy in my industry can wear a fleece vest all day every day even in business meetings, pretty sure I can rock my jacket and not care much about what they think. Maybe that’s not the OPs industry man-uniform though.

  7. Anonymous

    IDK if people will read the morning thread now that the weekend one is up so I’m posting here — I’m the one who posted about wanting to move to Richmond as a litigator. I’ll take any other feedback you have (on Charlotte/NC also). But to answer some questions people raised — I was an EDVa clerk, not 4th Cir. I am in touch with my judge; he’s a judge who tends to hire clerks from all over who then return after their clerkship year to NYC, DC, LA, wherever. However, over the years I’ve gotten to know 1-2 of the guys who clerked after me and they stayed in RVA and are at the larger firms there; plus I know 2 fellow alums from my NYC firm who landed in RVA (because they had spouses who were from there). So that’s obviously the initial networking group. I’m planning a trip down there to talk with my judge — and now that I think of it rather than a day trip, I may stay a day just to look around the city. I know it’s grown/changed, and even for networking purposes, I’d like to be able to say — oh I was just walking around Monument the other day or tried x restaurant or whatever.

    I’m actually VERY interested in Charlotte (less so in Raleigh but still ok with it) but I have ZERO contacts in Charlotte and can’t even say I’ve lived there. IDK if 10% of Charlotte folks are from NYC plays in my favor?! I talked to 1 recruiter in Charlotte who basically was like “good luck” — which I assume was because he knew I wasn’t a local + he doesn’t want to make the effort to place someone coming out of the government/without a book etc. He seemed like the type that just wants to move 4th years from Skadden to Winston.

    As for why I’d want to do this — I’m not 22, I’m closer to 42 than 22 at this point. I have done the BIG city thing — 10 years in NYC, going on 5 years in DC and TBH I didn’t/don’t love either. I am one of those rare people who likes small cities/secondary markets, suburbs, and the like. When I lived there 10 years ago I felt there was more than enough for someone like me — enough places to grab food, shop etc., and I even went to a show or two when certain comedians or artists were in town because it was SO easy. In NYC/DC (esp in DC), I’ve taken ZERO advantage of the cultural offerings and frankly I just don’t desire it. Sure RVA is a boring suburb, but that’s how I grew up and that’s what I’m ready for now. And to be even more honest, COL plays a role here. In RVA (or even Charlotte though I know it’s more expensive), I don’t have to make $$ like I do in NYC or DC to fulfill my goal of retiring early (not looking for a crazy early retirement at age 40, but I’d love to be done in my early/mid 50s and I feel like there’s much more chance of that happening if I spend the next 15 years of my life earning a lawyer salary in RVA or Charlotte than in DC or NYC). And looking into it, I just don’t feel like salaries are THAT much lower in those markets than they are in big cities — meaning the lower COL more than makes up for a slightly lower salary.

    • Anon

      If you are committed to a city, say Charlotte, are you willing to move there, live cheaply off your savings, and look for a job after you’ve moved? I you already have a local address you’ll get fewer questions about “why the move” because you already live there and the fact that you’ve already moved shows commitment to remaining there. Knowing a couple more people in Richmond v Charlotte none won’t make much of a difference tbh

    • Anon

      I strongly disagree with what was said about RVA earlier. Started in a similar city to you, also clerked (but not in RVA), work at a big firm in RVA now. Cost of living is amazing and there is a ton to do. My husband and I both are transplants here and not involved in the “old school/country club” life that people were hating on. Many of our friends are transplants too and progressive. I think its a great place to practice law. Still exciting, intense work to a point, but people are nice and generally more laid back. We love our neighborhood and plan to stay long term.

    • Anon

      I live in DC and went to Richmond for a weekend last summer and was charmed. Such great outdoors access (the river in the city, and mountains and beaches not too far away)! A free (and good!) art museum. Civil War history that wasn’t super racist! Tons of breweries and cideries! I felt like it had a lot of energy (maybe the Capital One people moving in?). I guess overall it felt like southern Columbus Ohio, which I mean as a compliment.

    • Anon

      If you’re just looking to move to a smaller city for a better quality of life, then move to one that you have friends or family in.

      Alternatively, make this a long-term project: go down over long weekends, stay in an AirBNB, scope the place out. If you’re religious, try out a few different churches and stay for coffee after. If you’re part of ACS, Federalist Society, etc., attend events there and talk to like-minded attorneys. If you’re part of any other org that has a national presence, talk to people there. Get on mailing lists. Spend vacations down there. Meet people. Get to know the area. Heck, if you’re single and looking, set up an online dating profile there, because “My boyfriend or girlfriend lives in Charlotte” is a really outstanding reason to move, and then you would have also found someone in the process.

      Then apply like crazy. You don’t need everyone to like you; you don’t need everyone to believe you’re sincere about moving. You just need one.

    • Anonymous

      CLT person here — I think that RVA would be a more natural sell for you than CLT at this point, but I’d urge you to visit CLT and Raleigh if you can swing a weekend away. And check your friends of friends — someone who would likely meet up with you on a visit and know something about the legal market / local firms (not a litigator). I almost feel that RVA might be better for litigators, but perhaps that’s b/c CLT is so financial / transactional based.

      In case it matters, RVA had a very strong downtown Jewish presence (CLT’s 3-synagogue campus is pretty far south of downtown), which I thought was cool.

      There are some really cool things about RVA (you area a lot closer to the coast than CLT is).

      • Anonymous

        Another CLT person here. Did you happen to contact the recruiters at Carolina Legal Staffing? If not, that’s who I would recommend having a conversation with. They’re a small and a local recruiting office, but definitely connected to Moore & Van Allen, which is the largest law firm in the city (largest in terms of the size of that firm’s Charlotte office; MVA is small compared to the biglaw firms in town like Mayer Brown/Winston & Strawn/Dechert and their overall firm size) and have one of the largest litigation groups here in town. Also, if you clerked in Richmond you likely encountered McGuire Woods, which has a large office here as well, so that’s a potentially an organic connection to make.

        • Anonymous

          Thanks! Will note that name. No that’s not who I contacted — it was an independent recruiter used by someone I knew many years ago (though that someone had a deep connection to the city; raised in the south his whole life; went to law school at Vandy so his profile was just different from mine and I got the sense that’s the profile this recruiter wanted to deal with not a true transplant).

      • Ellen

        I can only live in NYC or DC, as these are the centers of my universe. Plus, I would need to take the DC bar as my scores were to low to wave in, so it’s NYC for me, especially as a litegator who wants to remain cutting edge! Yay ?

    • Anonymous

      If you are a grown-up who enjoys the arts and wants a stress-free lifestyle, RVA is perfect for you. We lived in NYC, LA, and Boston before RVA, and never took as much advantage of the cultural opportunities there because everything was so expensive and such a hassle. Over the past decade the arts and culture scene has really improved. The symphony got a new conductor and is so much better. The ballet company is fantastic (although in the past few years they’ve tended to recycle the same three ballets made by their lousy in-house choreographers instead of performing more interesting works in their repertoire by other choreographers). The VMFA was renovated several years ago and has a nice collection. The touring company of Hamilton is coming next year. A lot of big acts will even play Richmond on Fridays instead of Tuesdays now. If you liked RVA a decade ago, you will absolutely love it now. Yes, the politics and the prevalence of SAHMs in the county where we live (for public school reasons) make me crazy, but the daily grind and ridiculous expense of living in a big city made me even more crazy.

      Single, educated but non-hipster 20-somethings will still hate it here because the dating pool in that demographic is terrible, but that’s okay.

      • Anonymous

        As much as a CCV hater as I am, I agree with this. My college and law school friends who are from VA but not from RIchmond have been happy there (some are in RVA proper, one is in Goochland, others are in Chesterfield-Midlothian-Henrico). I think the city punches above its weight class for work sophistication (esp. in legal but most of my friends there aren’t lawyers and didn’t go there necessarily as their first city (but often they were in NY-DC as 20-somethings but Suffolk-Roanoke-Harrisonburg were too small to go back to). I had an awesome time when I had a BF who lived in the Fan and was there nearly every weekend.

      • emeralds

        Yes, will co-sign this. Missed the convo earlier and can’t speak to the legal market, but RVA is really great! I’ve been here four years, and it sounds like it’s a perfect fit for the lifestyle you’re looking for.

    • Carolina Girl

      Can’t speak to the legal landscape, but I’ve lived in both Charlotte and Raleigh. Charlotte is much less diverse and much more of a corporate rat race with highly defined (and expensive) good neighborhood and school areas. Raleigh-Durham is much more culturally and socioeconomically varied with many great pockets/neighborhoods with good schools to find your niche in. If you’re very outdoorsy, Raleigh has many more parks and greenways, but Charlotte has established events (like NFL/NBA/minor league baseball) if that’s of interest.

  8. Anonymous

    This might be a better question for the mom board, but I never read there and I’ve gotten great advice here in the past. I’m looking for some books, tv shows, movies for my elementary schooler that feature one-parent households that are not the stereotypical financially-struggling single moms or single parents trying to find love. Any recommendations would be greatly appreciated.

      • Anonymous

        And also Fuller House — now on Netflix. The oldest daughter is widowed raising 3 (I think?) kids — and just like the old school version, her sister and BFF have moved in to help raise the kids though I think one/both of them brought their own kids too.

    • Anon

      Gilmore Girls! The mom has her financial struggles and dates a few guys across the course of the series, but the focus of the show is the mother-daughter (+grandmother) relationship.

    • Anonymous

      The Thing About Jellyfish is an amazing book that features a divorced mom and dad who have a decent co-parenting relationship and both care about their child. The primary conflict in the story has nothing to do with the parents’ divorce. The subject matter is probably not accessible to kids younger than third or fourth grade, though.

    • no

      Who’s the boss?
      The Nanny (from the dad’s point of view anyway)
      Are we allowing the parents to date at all here? Kate & Allie
      The Hogan Family
      Murphy Brown

    • Anonymous

      Your child may not be old enough but 90210 — the original from the 90s. Weren’t all those really wealthy kids the kids of single parents? Except the Walshes which were the picture perfect American family — though also weren’t nearly as wealthy as all of their friends.

      • Anon

        I never understood how that show was supposed to be about good lessons. There was an episode where an awkward kid was socially excluded, then he killed himself, and then the stars of the show felt bad, but then they talked it over and decided it was ok because they were just being honest when they didn’t want to hang out with him. So i guess the lesson was what a d1ck he was for killing himself and inconveniencing them by making them feel bad momentarily.

        • Anonymous

          Ok it’s TV, I watch for entertainment without over analyzing every lesson taught by every character. I bet you’re one of those who can’t watch old shows because the diversity representation isn’t right, right? I liked it esp when I was younger — the glitz of Beverly Hills was cool to me, still is.

          • Anonymous

            The only cool one on the original show was Dylan, who had a cool car and lived on his own. But he lived on his own b/c his dad was in prison and his mother was dead. And he had some substance-use demons. So, maybe not that cool?

            I was a camp counselor one summer when it was big and broke the hearts of my tween campers when I told them that the actor were all grownups, some even in their 30s (no! not that!).

            Plus, as a grownup, I don’t see how the Walsh’s could move into a SF house in BH when he was an accountant in Wisconsin or where ever they were from, she didn’t work, and neither seemed to have any family $. And from the office he had when Dylan came to see him, it didn’t seem like he was a baller at one of the Big6 (or whatever it was back then).

            Basically: TV shows lie.

          • Anonymous

            He was a partner at that accounting firm and at some point was heading up the office; he was one of the executives because at one time he was told he was moving back to Minnesota to head up that office but they ended up declining because they didn’t want to uproot their life in BH. So he wasn’t just some accountant doing your taxes. And while their house was nice, it was downright modest compared to Donna (dad was a cardiologist to the rich and famous); Steve and Kelly (former actress moms).

        • Anon

          I see your point, but I’m also not sure what lesson you’d like to see instead.

        • PolyD

          Scott Scanlon accidentally killed himself because he was playing with a gun, having just gotten one on a family vacation to Oklahoma. He didn’t kill himself because he was socially awkward.

          Please, let’s be accurate about the greatness that was the original BH 90210!

          • Anon

            I was a high school teacher when this episode aired and it was a very big deal. We all had to talk about it in class.

    • Vicky Austin

      I feel like there might be an American Girl character or two who have single parents? Not sure, and don’t know what the conflicts in those stories do center around, but you might try there.

    • Anon

      Of course you should find a show or two about happy single parenting, but I wouldn’t go overboard searching for a bunch of things along that theme. Don’t many/most kids books barely feature the parents at all? I mean they are generally about kids going on adventures. As your child gets older he could read His Dark Materials (Lyra does not have a parent but is raised by an uncle), the kids in the Series of Unfortunate Events and Harry Potter are not raised by their parents, etc.

  9. Anon

    Thanks for the mother-daughter trip suggestions this morning. I booked a flight to Albuquerque and a rental car, and we will be staying at La Fonda on the Plaza in Santa Fe! Very excited.

    Re:shopping since someone mentioned it, my daughter loves to poke around in unique stores, not so much mall stores, so it sounds perfect for that.

    • thehungryaccountant

      Sounds like a wonderful time! Your post had me reminiscing about similar trips with my mom <3

    • Rainbow Hair

      I took my baby (she was three at the time) to Santa Fe for a girls weekend and have the sweetest memories of it. She can’t wait to go back, and it’s lovely to feel like it’s our special place. Hope you have the BEST time.

    • Anonymous

      I know I recommend this all the time haha, but if you like hiking consider driving about 30 minutes south to Tent Rocks. It is amazing! Take water if you go and consider going as early as it opens, since it is already warm here.

    • NYNY

      You’ll have so much fun! Tons of little shops around the Plaza mixed in with galleries to explore. Don’t miss Doodlets and Sign of the Pampered Maiden on Water Street.

      There are more museums than you can probably manage in a short trip, but I want to plug two: the Georgia O’Keefe museum is an amazing experience and takes only an hour or two, and the Museum of International Folk Art is worth the whole trip.

  10. Soho stores?

    I’m going to be going shopping in the soho area in Manhattan this weekend. I’m planning on going to cuyana, everlane, reformation. Any other similar stores that are nearby that I should keep an eye out for? Not really interested in fast fashion or mall stores. Thanks!

    • anne-on

      Mgemi and Glossier ? Not soho but I’d visit MM LaFleur in person if you’re at all interested in their clothes for sizing information alone.

  11. Mortgage Preapproval?

    Ok My husband and I are first time home buyers. A few days ago we submitted for preapproval for a mortgage. We applied with three lenders. We’re still waiting to hear back since it has been a few days. All have required a lot of paperwork as we expected which is of course fine. Two have been easy to work with – just submit the stuff, minimal follow-up before submission to underwriters to clarify minor points. Great.

    The other is being a royal pain – they required way more paperwork, but I am OK with doing paperwork. The problem really arise when dealing with the loan officer. First the loan officer told me it was impossible (his word) to include my husband on the loan (not even raised as an issue with the other lenders), and when I pressed him on this over the course of multiple days, it was revealed that this was just a judgment call he made – but he didn’t present it to me that way so I feel deceived. I was initially bullied into just having me on the loan. I then get a series of inane requests, including, my favorite, wanting a letter from my husband (not on the loan app) verifying that I have access to a checking account in MY name. I don’t know whether to be insulted or whether these people are morons. At least a dozen emails over the course of a week, and more calls than that. On the last call out of frustration I ask why the underwriters need all this, and I learn these requests are not coming from the underwriters and are things the loan officer is asking me for. I have since convinced the loan officer to resubmit the application with us as co-borrowers in hopes of ending the insanity of trying to act like my husband and I are not financially joined, and am waiting to see what happens.

    Was I just lucky with the other two lenders so far? Should I ask to have another loan officer with the third lender or just dump them and move on with my life? Do I even need to be applying with three lenders?

    • Anon

      I’ve only ever applied for preapproval with one lender at a time. Unless you have some reason to believe that approval will be difficult for you, I don’t think you need three lenders. And you certainly don’t want to get a mortgage with a lender that’s difficult to work with.

    • Anonymous

      Move on. Really. Life’s too short and getting a mortgage is too frustrating anyways.

      Btw, I’ve bought half a dozen houses and normally preapproval is fairly simple…more akin to applying for a credit card where you just state your info and they assume that you’re an adult and can provide all the docs to back it up later.

    • Anon

      Unless the PITA loan officer is offering substantially better terms or something you can’t live without, just go with the other two. There’s no need to have three pre-approvals. Besides, a pre-approval shouldn’t need much of anything unless you’re trying to put together some sort of unorthodox financing. If you’re looking at a 30 year loan with 20% down, it shouldn’t be a big deal beyond gathering the necessary paperwork.

    • Anonymous

      I could be wrong, but aren’t you actually hurting your credit by applying with multiple lenders at one time?

      • SC

        Most lenders will treat multiple hard inquiries about a mortgage within a short period of time as one hard inquiry. Even if a lender counts rate shopping against you, a single inquiry doesn’t lower your score by much, and not shopping rates will probably cost you a lot more than a few points off your credit score.

    • Anon

      1) you need a mortgage broker
      2) you need to dump that one lender – they don’t deserve your business

    • SC

      You don’t need to apply for pre-approval with three lenders, but you can get a general idea of rates if you know your budget and plan on getting a straightforward mortgage. Once you make an offer, shop rates with a few lenders.

      Ask your real estate agent, but our agent told us that, in our area, offers are more likely to be accepted if the pre-approval letter is from a local bank with a good reputation for getting to closing. You can switch lenders later, and sellers may grumble but can’t stop you. (FWIW, we used a local lender, who was fantastic and efficient and matched the rate of a national lender.)

    • Anon

      I think you do need to shop around, but I don’t know about getting pre-approval. I would definitely dump the company with the awful loan officer.

    • Mortgage Preapproval?

      Thanks for the comments. Likely going to dump the third bank, which is ironically the bank where both my husband and I have all of our checking/savings/investments, and have for decades. It makes me want to dump them completely for everything.

      And yeah, doing a totally normal loan albeit jumbo. 15-year fixed with 25-30% down, debt-to-income ratio is 20%. Both have excellent credit 800+. So no reason to doubt pre-approval, but our real estate agent emphasized how important it is in our market to have a fully underwritten pre-approval that is really only contingent on the appraisal, etc. Was just trying to front-end load the applications to prevent any issues later. I understand applying with more than one lender within a certain period still only “counts” as one hard credit check.

      • AlexisFaye

        You should definitely shop with multiple folks. If you have not already, look at a credit union (I use Navy Federal). Also, I have gotten good rates from goodmortgage.com (I just closed and got 3.5 without buying down–I negotiated for a lender credit and got it down from 3.625). Ask for a lender credit!

        Don’t go with someone who is making your life miserable, but if you bank there I would ask to work with a different loan officer from that bank. He’s crazy.. And ask for a good faith estimate from all before you pick one.

    • Anonymous

      We dealt with a lender like this when we first started house shopping last year. Tons of paperwork, stupid questions, did not appear to be paying attention, told us things that weren’t true, etc. Our household income is $205k and we had $70,000 in cash to put down on a house. We wanted a pre-approval for a $350k house. The loan officer acted like I had insulted her mother when I said we wanted the pre-approval for that amount and refused to pre-approve us for any more than $325k. She continually brought up minor aspects of our financial history or work history that were “problems” for her (but as it turned out, not even blips on the radar for other lenders) and made it a point to tell us SEVERAL times that HER bank only works with the VERY BEST borrowers. Our credit scores were 800 and 785, by the way.
      Then we wised up and went to a mortgage broker. Filled out an online application and submitted paystubs. Boom, in 20 minutes got approved for $400k (we didn’t end up spending that much). No hassle. No lies. No big deal. It was a completely smooth process, we got a good mortgage with a reputable bank, we closed on time and our very savvy broker helped us lock in a great interest rate at the exact right time when rates were lowest. P.S., the bank pays the mortgage broker, not you.
      Home buying is too stressful and life is too short to put up with BS from lenders. If you have jobs (or verifiable sel-employment income), decent credit and money to put down, getting you a better-than-acceptable mortgage is not going to be a difficult process for a good lender or qualified broker. I would send an email, thank the third lender for his time, say you found another lender who better meets your needs. Then block his email address and phone number and don’t worry about him again.

      • Anonymous

        I am sorry you put up with this, but thanks for sharing. Seems like you were working with our loan officer’s twin sister. Ugh.

        After I posted, they sent us “disclosures” to “e-sign,” which included a loan application form. It was riddled with errors, big errors. Like missing >100k in assets and had debt on it we don’t have and even had wrong income information! Even after incessant phone calls and us provided them with dozens of documents etc.

  12. thehungryaccountant

    Looking for pen/writing utensil suggestions!
    I currently use Pilot’s G2 07mm in black, I think they came in a Costco pack. I like the feel of the ink, but I tend to run through them pretty quickly; I’d like to switch over to a pen that I can hang onto and refill the ink when it runs out.

    Are there any pens that you genuinely love?

    • Anonymous

      Someone here recommended the Kaweco Sport fountain pen a couple of weeks ago. I bought one and do genuinely love it.

    • Anon

      You can get refills for the G2s- they are my favorite pen and I order the refills on Amazon, which is the only place I find my favorite size and colour (the .3mm in green.). It is almost as expensive as just buying the pens, though.

      • Inspired by Hermione

        If you’re still looking, JetPens has 2 packs of green .38mm for just over $2.

    • Anon

      My Mont Blanc ball point pen. I get the blue ink medium cartridges for it. I’ve had it for years and years and love how it writes. I got mine for under $100, but that was over 25 years ago. I don’t know the current price. I think they are pretty expensive now.

    • Sr. Software Zookeeper

      Take a Pilot G2. Take the mont blanc refills. Cut a tiny bit off the top of the mont blanc. Put it in the G2.
      Magic.
      I wrote out wedding invitations yesterday with mine and loved every minute of it.

  13. Ms B

    Headed to New York City for a long weekend in a couple weeks and struggling with daytime shoe choices. It looks like temps will be topping out in the low 70s during the day while we are there with some chance of rain. Planned daytime activities include checking out Hudson Yards, a Broadway matinee, MOMA or the Met Breuer, quality time at Bloomingdales and The Strand, and general strolling. We have a fancy lunch one day, but other than that, I am planning to wear either distressed jeans or jersey dresses during the day.

    Thoughts on options? I am not opposed to shopping, but my time is limited, so I have to know what I am shopping for. My closet already holds old school K-Swiss (Chucks hurt my feet and Adidas Superstars do not fit right), Allbirds, Mephisto Helens, some Teva wedge sandals, an assortment of AGLs and some black booties (although those strike me as too wintry for late May).

    Thanks for the help!

    • Anon

      K Swiss sneakers all the way! They’d prob. work at a fancy lunch too, depending on where you go.

    • Anon

      I’m all about comfort in NYC so I can walk everywhere. I would pack nice shoes for the lunch and sneakers for everything else.

  15. Anon

    No question here, just a vent into the anonymous internet universe. My relationship with my parents has really deteriorated in the last year. I don’t think it was ever that great to begin with, but an event happened that really brought our relationship into focus. I’m visiting their house for the weekend and it just is so hard. I’ll never get them to understand my point of view; they’ll never think they’ve done anything wrong. I got in a huge fight with my mom this morning and I’m sure she has some valid points but it’s so hard to talk about or accept when they never take anything I say seriously. I’m single and just really feeling like I’m totally alone with nobody on my side or on my team in life. It really sucks.

    • thehungryaccountant

      If you can, hide out in the bathroom or go for a walk alone. Give yourself time to breathe/decompress when you can. Families can be tough, hugs from another stranger!

    • Anon

      Hug.

      My relationship with my family turned horrific over the last year. It had its normal issues prior to that (well, some abnormal ones that were swept under the carpet because I was willing to let them be swept under the carpet), but it’s really hard to process how awful it is, and how a destroyed family relationship makes everything in life seem so conditional and temporary.

      Call your friends – trust me, they will be there for you. They are your team.

      Then let me know if you are near Cinci and I’ll buy you a drink.

      • anon for this

        I’m within 2 hrs from you and down to get a drink (I also have a horrific parental experience but am not the OP). Reach out if you’d like! IAmAnEpicWarrior at the mail of g.

        OP, I get it, I’m with you, please reach out too if you want some to vent to or commiserate with!

    • Mpls

      Can you…not go?Or not stay at their house? (maybe more appropriate for future visit considerations)

      Or plan things that get you out of the house for parts for the weekend?

      • Anon

        The good thing is that my oldest, closest friends are in my hometown and I will spend most of the weekend with them. Thanks everybody for the Internet hugs and commiseration; it really does help me feel better.

  16. Pink

    To the poster a couple days ago who asked about adopting as a first choice: we did. It has been one of the best and most challenging experiences of my life (we fostered to adopt). I thought we would adopt and then have bio kids, but I’m sort of waffling on having bio kids at all now. My most important takeaways so far (kiddo is two): 1) get TBRI training. Any good adoption agency can help with this. 2) Let go of expectations: it’s ok to have mac n cheese for dinner and go to bed without doing dishes, it’s ok to send your kid to day care in a sleep n play until they’re walking. Your kid might not walk at eight months/talk at one year/play sports/get good grades like everyone else’s instagram children. You won’t care. They are your kids and you will love them so much it hurts. 3) You have to truly not give one single eff what other people think, especially your family. This is all assuming you don’t foster, which is a whole other challenge.

    • Anonymous

      I didn’t see that post but wish I had! Was it here or on the Mom’s site? Do you remember what day? Our first foster parenting info session is next week. (We’re foster-to-adopt.)

  17. Tipping

    Do you tip for @ma@zon now and/or car ride apps? While I absolutely tip for pizza, haircuts, cabs, etc., I’m not sure how it works when it’s a service I already pay a prime membership fee for or for a service that didn’t originally have a tip option. If you do tip, how much?

    • Miss Kitty

      I wonder the same about Uber. It was unheard of when it first started and now it almost seems expected. I’ve started tipping for long drives and when I’m helped with luggage at the airport but I don’t when it’s a quick ride. Not sure if I’m doing it wrong.

      • Senior Attorney

        You’re doing it wrong. They eliminated the “no tipping” practice in July 2017.

        • anon for this

          But is that because they want more money or is that because they dropped the pay rate for drivers and the customers are supposed to make up the difference?

          To me, it’s one thing if it’s a server who gets paid a pittance because the tip is the real income, thus the expectation to tip (and I’d never ever not tip). It’s another if there’s just an addition of tip jars/lines for every job ever now and the goal is to make the person feel forced to tip because the option is suddenly provided. (The former is a part of the expected cost of the service, the other is an extra thing that’s nice but not one bit necessary or expected.)

  18. Anonymous

    Inspired by today’s mother-daughter trip posts: Is it fair for just one parent to take the kid on a trip? My teenager and I would love to take a mother-daughter trip, but I feel terrible suggesting to my husband that the two of us go jetting off to have fun and spend money without him. One solution would be to have both a mother-daughter trip and a father-daughter trip, but the kid is not so excited about that idea because her dad, although he is many things, is just not a great travel companion. I was going to bring her along on a business trip to a fun spot last summer, which somehow seemed more okay, but that trip got cancelled and nothing else promising is on the horizon.

    • Anonymous

      I mean it’s a know your husband scenario. In some families the husband who doesn’t like to travel wouldn’t mind at all; may be relieved to not have to go; may think it’s important for mother/daughter to spend time alone. In other families, there are husbands who don’t really want to travel BUT STILL will be offended at even the idea of you going without them — and then in those families, if keeping the peace and preventing hurt feelings matters, then either you don’t go at all or all 3 of you go even if he isn’t a great traveler; ask me how I know this . . . .

    • Anon

      Well I’m the OP on that so of course I think it’s ok. But I wouldn’t only take trips with my daughter. I’ve had work trips where I take both my kids along, and I had a short overnight trip with just my son this fall. My husband took both kids to Disneyland without me.

      I think it’s important to spend 1:1 time with kids, and also teach them that even if one kid is getting more now, they will get more later and they need to be good sports about it.

      In my particular case, it’s for my daughter’s high school graduation so everyone is fine with it.

    • SC

      I think it’s OK, especially if your husband isn’t a good travel companion because he doesn’t enjoy travel. I would encourage your husband to find some type of father-daughter activity that they’d enjoy doing together, but it could be fancy dinner and a movie or kayaking down a river or tickets to a sports event or concert.

      My only caveat is that I would prioritize, in terms of vacation time and budget, whole-family vacation or activities or traditions over a mother-daughter trip (or father-daughter activity). If there’s enough PTO and money for you to jet off and spend money and still do the things that are important as a family, I would feel zero guilt about taking a mother-daughter trip. If there’s not, then I’d consider scaling down the number of days or the cost.

      FWIW, I have very happy memories traveling with just one parent (my father). Most weren’t planned specifically as father-daughter trips, but we visited his extended family without my mom, he took me on college trips, and he helped me on one long-distance drive for a job at a summer camp. (I was 17 and could drive, but my parents weren’t comfortable yet with me driving 12+ hours by myself.)

    • Anon

      I think it depends. My husband hates travel so is obviously ok with me and DD traveling by ourselves. (Honestly as much as I adore my daughter, I’d still prefer to travel sometimes as a family and it makes me sad that we will never have family vacations/couples vacations). Growing up, both my parents loved to travel but my dad and I did father daughter trips w/o my mom because she was a SAHM and he worked and it was a rare chance for me and my dad to spend a lot of time together. We did make an effort to choose destinations that my mom wasn’t eager to visit and I’m sure as a SAHM she appreciated the break from parenting and housework.

  19. DLC

    Depending on how old, Boats for Papa is a wonderful picture book about a little boy (I think he’s actually a beaver) and his mom. It’s a lot about missing someone and trying to fill the void, and it makes me cry every time I read it. Not sure if that’s what you’re looking for, but it’s a beautiful book.

  20. TV Finale Sadness

    Does anyone else get very very emotional at the series finale of a show they either adore or have been watching for a long time? It’s rare for me, but this year, the end of Cr@zy ExGirlfriend and Big Bang Theory both really got to me. I’m talking tears during the finale, watching to watch all of the press stuff around the finale/recent interviews with the cast to not have it all be over yet, feeling generally bummed for a bit after.

    I think this has happened to me for 6ish shows in my entire 40ish years of life so far, so this isn’t an every show kind of thing, but it just feels like a loss of friends or consistency or something. Am I the only one? If not, which show(s) got to you?

    • anonymouse

      You’re not alone!
      I feel a palpable sense of loss when a TV or Book series I have loved comes to an end. Most recent books: Broken Earth Series (books), still sad there’s no more Lord of the Rings Movies (haha), Firefly…there’s others but not coming to mind right now.
      I fully expect to have withdrawal when GoT and Star Wars Canon ends.
      I love to get lost in a good story, so the ending is an event that affects me. Not sure if that’s good or bad, but it’s how I operate.

  21. Dyson air lab hair styler

    Has anyone tried the Dyson Air Lab Hair Styler? I have straight, moderately thin hair that needs washing every day and looking for a styler that’s easy to use. What did you think of it?

  22. Socks

    What fiber blend is better for keeping feet dry and not smelly?

    option 1: 78% cotton/18% polyester/2% spandex
    option 2: 98% polyester/2%spandex

    • MagicUnicorn

      Wool is way better than either of those options in both the dryness and odor-fighting factors.

      Cotton breathes and doesn’t tend to encourage odor if you wash them, but it hangs on to moisture. Polyester dries quickly but can get smelly really fast.

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