Coffee Break: Ruby Flat

Sam Edelman ruby flatOoh: I’m always excited to see a sleek but comfortable flat, and this keyhole flat from Sam Edelman looks fabulous — and it’s on sale. Of course the sapphire blue caught my eye, but it comes in a zillion colors at Amazon (with some lucky sizes as low as $44!), Zappos, and Nordstrom. The pictured sapphire blue one is on sale — it was $76, but is now marked to $65, and is available in blue, pink, black, and oatmeal. Sam Edelman Ruby Flat

Psst: Note that the brand’s Felicia flat is in our Workwear Hall of Fame — and it still comes in a million colors.

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  1. Personal grooming question- do you remove your arm hair? If yes- shave? Wax? I’ve been feeling self-conscious about mine recently.

    • Anonymous :

      I don’t, but I do remove leg hair.

    • Forearms? No. But my hair is not too thick or dark. I do see women with thicker/darker forearm hair and I don’t think it’s unattractive, but it seems like a personal question.

    • I shaved mine for a while, then let it grow back for a few years, then just started shaving it again a few weeks ago cause the look of it started bugging me. It’s finer and lighter than my leg hair and super easy to shave (the skin is less sensitive than my legs and it takes all of literally 30 sec in the shower), so there really isn’t any downside for me shaving it off.

    • Anonymous :

      You just prompted me to take a look at mine. For years I had hardly any hair, and what hair I did have was very fine and almost invisible. I swear it’s getting darker – is that part of aging??!!

    • Anonymous :

      I was a wookie!

      I did a small laser package and it seems to have made it manageable (not gone, but I don’t look like a man anymore). In NYC, I didn’t stand out as much — generally colder (so sleeves) and more people were dark-haired.

      Now in the SEUS, my arms are slowing a lot more and everyone here is blonde. It’s nice not sticking out in a bad way.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

      Yup, shave.

      • +1 in the summer. I hate shaving my legs, so annoying. I neglect my legs on the regular. Don’t care if others think it’s gross.

    • Not that Anne, the other Anne :

      Nope. I have an abundance of fine, light arm hair and always have. Kids used to tease me about it, but I don’t even notice it now.

    • Linda from HR :

      I shaved mine once in high school, never again. It felt super weird having bald arms! I know some people do it, but it’s not for me. I did bleach them for a while, but at some point years ago I just stopped doing that. Didn’t hate it, but I just didn’t feel like it was necessary.

    • I bleach them probably once a winter. They naturally get blonde in the summer. I don’t worry too much about it, but I do know people who wax, shave, laser their arm hair. I don’t like the stubbly feel of it when I hug them, though, but they aren’t my arms, so do whatever you want.

    • Anonymous :

      I used to bleach them about once a month or two. Very easy!

      • Anonymous :

        This. Bleach. I don’t have a lot, but when it seems visible, I grab the Jolen. Easy, cheap, and no stubble. If it were thick, I might not like the result as much.

    • Can I pile onto your question.
      Cheek hair or sideburns! I have them and I am sadly black haired so they are very obvious.

      • Nape of neck hair! What to do?! I never know what to do there. If I’m up in a ponytail, there lots of curly-cues that stand out while I have otherwise stick straight hair.

        • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

          I home wax my cheeks/upper lip/chin, and shave the back of my neck. I have short hair though.

      • crymeariver :

        Those amazing little face razors…. Tinkle? I always forget the exact name. Amazon. Learned about them on this site.

        I use them on my face for upper lip/chin/cheeks/side burns/neck etc… Takes 1-2 minutes. “Dermaplaning” So so so so so wonderful.

        Never wax/bleach again.

        I do touch ups every week or two. So fast.

        Make sure you watch a video though. Do it correctly.

    • No. My arms look perfectly normal to me with hair on them.

      • Anonymous :

        This! Bald arms (or worse, arm stubble) looks so weird to me. They’re not legs or armpits – most women have hair on their forearms.

        • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

          For those of with thick dark hair and relatively pale skin, it can look pretty bad…

          • Anonymous :

            Meh, I have thick dark hair and extremely pale skin. I think I look fine. I don’t mean that in an arrogant way, there are definitely things I’d change about my appearance. But not my arm hair.

      • Me too. I have very light BLOND hair and it would be wierd for me to shave my arms. I do my armpit’s, b/c of hygenic reasons, and I do sweat more then Rosa. I do NOT like for my white silk blouses to get stained with sweat so I am VERY carful about shaveing and powdering my armpit’s. I trust the rest of the hive acts similarly, except if we are wearing sleveless tops.

        B/c of Frank, tho, I rareley wear sleveless tops b/c he LOVES to peer in to see if he can see anything (like my boobies). It does not even matter that I am wearing a bra. He still LOVES to stare under my arms and to see what is goeing on in there. FOOEY on HIM!!!!!

    • Anonymous :

      Nope. I have very dark, coarse hair and my leg hair is super visible if I don’t shave (I do). I feel like my arm hair is significantly finer and lighter than my leg hair (bleached by the sun maybe?) and society doesn’t expect women to have completely bald arms, so I don’t do anything about it.

    • I don’t but I have a friend who doesn’t. She was a competitive swimmer back in the day and got used to being pretty hairless, so she just kept it up.

    • Definitely not – I always do a double take when I see a woman without arm hair. Is this becoming a thing?

      • Anonymous :

        I have no idea if it’s becoming a thing, but I really like how my arms look without the hair. I have toned arms and I think it makes them look even more sleek, if that makes sense. To each their own!

  2. Have any of you seen it?

    There is a chance that I may be able to catch it, either in my city or when I am in NYC (if the planets align; not sure if these are hard to get or impossible to get).

    [I know this is about two years late to the party, but I was never the cool kid.]

    • Anonymous :

      It’s so freaking good. I saw t when it first came out so I don’t know how hard the tickets are to get now but it is so so worth it.

      • They’re super hard to get in NYC. A new batch came out this morning and I gave up after every single show time I clicked on was sold out. Granted, this partly a website flaw: you can only click on desired dates, no “just give me the next available.” Most tickets available now, if available at all, are 6-12 months out. That said, if you can go see it, by all means go!

    • Go! It’s really fun. I finally went (in Chicago) this July (bought tickets in Nov). And I totally want to go again. My opinion is that it’s probably easier to get tickets in Chicago or one of the other standing productions (San Francisco?), since the NYC theater is smaller and just doesn’t have as many seats to sell.

      Agree you are probably buying 6-12 months out, unless you are willing to above sticker for resale.

      If you want a similar flavor for the interim, find a production of In the Heights (Lin-Manual MIranda’s first Tony award winning show). The music has a similar feel, though it is not sung-thru. St. Paul’s (MN) Ordway theater is putting up a production the last 2 weeks of Sept this year if you are interested :) It’s a really nice time to visit!

      That said – the touring productions are starting, and while it may be hard to get tickets the first time it comes through your town, chances are it will come back again, usually for a longer run (based on my experience with Wicked and it’s popularity). But that’s 3-5 years out.

    • Le sigh.

      It is getting like Les Mis was with me: almost able to sing all of the parts to all of the songs. If they ever do a sing-along, like they do for Sound of Music, I am so there.

      • Hamiltunes. Google it for a city near you; now that LMM allowed authorized karaoke tracks to drop, it should be pretty easy to find (or organize!).

    • Anonymous :

      They are having a showing in Houston, but the tickets started off outrageously priced (around $400), even though there were tons available, I just closed the link.

    • I saw it in NYC two summers ago before the major major hype began. It was great! Definitely go if you get the chance, and agree with other posters that it is probably easier and cheaper to get tickets outside of NYC.

  3. Help me shop! I’m in desperate need of a wardrobe update. My little black dresses are all either too small or sad and dated. Help me find something that looks modern and sexy and not skin tight.

    • Size? Budget?

    • JuniorMinion :

      I’m a big fan of Calvin Klein’s black dresses – Macy’s has a bunch and they are a bit structured and have a bunch of different cuts

      I also like the ralph lauren jersey draped dresses as I am busty and muscular so the jersey helps with fit – its double layered and thicker than other manufacturers so it doesn’t show lumps etc.

    • Senior Attorney :

      This isn’t all that sexy but it’s great for office-to-dinner or whatever: I really like the neckline. (And I feel like it’s a little big on the model – it’s more fitted on me.)

      Tahari has a lot of nice LBD’s at Nordstrom.

    • Anonymous :

      Try Black Halo or Reiss

    • anon a mouse :

      Someone posted a Ted Baker dress last week that was terrific. It wasn’t black, but I keep thinking about it and other Ted Baker dresses are super cute.

  4. Anonymous :

    A friend is switching financial institutions and asked me a tax question I’m unsure of. Background: Many financial institutions provide tax info in Jan-April for people with investments/interest/etc in the previous year. My understanding is that it’s easier to do taxes when this info is provided.

    Let’s say someone uses Company A from Jan-July and switches to Company B in Aug. When company B provides tax forms after the year ends, will it only be for months Aug-Dec?

    • Yes, your friend will get forms from both Company A and Company B, each covering only the portion for which they held her funds. Company B doesn’t know what her money was doing before August.

      • Anonymous :

        Thanks. Will Company A provide forms if the account is closed, or should she keep a few dollars in it to get the forms?

        • Company A will provide the documents in January when all companies send out their tax documents, regardless of an account’s status.

        • They are legally required to provide the necessary reporting, so no reason to keep the account open for that purpose.

        • I have switched like this. Company A should send you the forms even without any money in there (or at least that’s what happened for me). I don’t think it’s a matter of courtesy; I think it’s a matter of accounting for them.

  5. Anonymous :

    Rosetta Stone thoughts? My nanny speaks only Spanish to my young children so I would like to learn alongside them. Would it work for that purpose? What version have you used?

    • Flats Only :

      I looked at Rosetta Stone, but eventually went with the Great Courses Spanish course on DVD. I already spoke some very rusty Spanish, and Great Courses was able to brush it up in no-time. It’s a fairly academic program, but it approaches the language intuitively, and is geared to a complete beginner. Plus if the professor goes too fast you can always pause, rewind, re-watch a lesson. I think it’s 30 classes on DVD – each between 35 and 45 minutes. You can download them to iphone/ipad too. There is also a workbook.

    • I’m doing Duo Lingo (free app, or ad free for $9.99 a month) – very user friendly, you set a goal every day to do a certain amount of practice, and it’s mostly quizzes/games. very engaging and I’ve kept up a streak of daily practice for nearly two months now.

      • Aquae Sulis :

        +1 I’m really enjoying Duolingo! I’m working on Spanish, French and Irish. They also have a flash cards app, which I’m trying out as well.

  6. So I was having lunch with a friend last week and a few of her friends met up with us. One of them had just quit her job with nothing lined up shortly after getting engaged (to significantly older, well-off guy). Another moved to a much smaller city with fewer job opportunities so her husband could take a job there. As a result, her career options are significantly diminished.

    I started to notice that in this group, while I’m sure they would NEVER say this or even think this, they all somehow end up with really high earning men who support a certain lifestyle, part of which usually involves a major step back in the woman’s career and / or the woman stops working completely. I can’t figure it out. Do they look for men who have high earning potential and also find them interesting and sexy and kind? Or does it just happen to be a coincidence? In my more immediate circles, both husband and wife work and the partnership seems much more equal. The aforementioned group is definitely more traditional, but I’m really noticing it now that they’re pairing off and lifestyles are changing drastically.

    Don’t even really know what I’m asking here. Just curious if you’ve observed the same and if you think it happens subconsciously or if these men and women are very consciously choosing someone who would fit this kind of plan.

    • I’m not sure what you’re asking here. I mean, when I was dating I wanted (and got) a guy who, for lack of a better phrase, had his sh* together. Since there is no filter on match for that I searched for men with an income above $50k. (I was in my mid-30s. I understand that no filter is perfect.) I suppose I could have put a higher income as a filter. Are you asking if people do that?

    • Rainbow Hair :

      I suspect that it’s just a baseline requirement for some people. “I won’t date anyone who isn’t/doesn’t ____.” I have values qualms or something when people fill that blank in with “$$$” but I don’t think that it means that the women are dating someone *for* his money. Instead I think it’s that they narrow their pool to men with money (or “ambitious careers” or “a similar background to me” or “owns a house” or “advanced degrees as long as you aren’t working in academia” or whatever) and then find men they love and respect within that smaller pool. Or at least that’s what I hope it is, for the people I know who roll that way.

      • Senior Attorney :

        I had a list of things I was looking for in a partner, and one of those things was “reasonably financially appropriate,” by which I meant, I guess, “a financial peer or close to it, at least.” I think Lovely Husband was also looking for more of a financial peer after encountering a woman or two who were looking for a sugar daddy. And yeah, we find each other attractive and sexy and kind as all get-out.

        I have no values qualms about any of that, thank you very much. We’re getting on in years and have no interest in being poor in our old age.

        • Rainbow Hair :

          My qualms are mostly that something like that was implicitly on my list when I was newly single and met my now-husband, who worked at a grocery store. He’s responsible and motivated and a hard worker (and attractive and all that, of course) and it makes me mad/sad/ashamed/??? that I initially thought there was no way I could get serious with him because I was [blah blah $$$ blah blah] and he wasn’t and never would be. (I’m mad/sad/ashamed right now typing that, because I am crazy about him, and just think of what I would’ve missed out on if I listened to my fancy friends’ input!) Things didn’t change because he went on to earn more money — things changed because I realized that money/earning potential, in the abstract, wasn’t a thing I needed to look for in a partner.

          • Senior Attorney :

            Well there you have it, then! Turned out it wasn’t your requirement! And honestly I think we can have all the requirements we want and if somebody is really The One then the requirements can fly out the window. All that matters is that you two make the whole package work!

            I think you should give yourself a break. No need to be mad/sad/ashamed. Be glad/happy/proud that you recognized your The One and went for it!

    • Flats Only :

      Given the number of folks who post about wishing they could step back/down/away from career stress, changing jobs to one where you just have to keep a guy happy while he supports you does not sound like a bad plan.

    • Anonymous :

      For the girl who’s quit working because she’s engaged to a rich guy – I hope her relationship works out, because I’ve seen the aftermath when a lady-who-lunches gets dropped like a bad habit in her 40s, after not working for 20 years. Not pretty.

      Also, a couple of the girls I knew from high school and college who married much older guys are now having to cope with eldercare and geriatric health problems as a result of their husbands now being in their 60s when the women are still in their 40s. The age difference wasn’t a big deal at 25 and 40, but now at 45 and 60, it’s different.

      Life’s full of choices and to each their own, but I was raised with a strong ethos of “a man is not a plan” and I feel like following that has worked out for me.

  7. A coworker of mine has lost a lot of weight recently, and I keep getting trapped in conversations about weight loss, diets (most of which are crazy fad diets), the crazy binges after the diet ends, etc.

    I find these conversations somewhat triggering, how do I get out of these comments or redirect the conversation?

    • Anonymous :

      I hate those people. I would redirect the conversation to how much I love donuts and isn’t eating ice cream great.

    • My coworker is on keto, and while it’s not triggering, I find the constant convo around keto extremely annoying.

      I don’t think you can easily stop the talk though; can you get busy with work and maybe direct them to chat in a different location?

    • Anonymous :

      “I’m happy for you, but prefer to not engage in these conversations.”

    • Anonymous :

      It’s like a new twist on the “What does a cross-fit vegan tell you about first?” joke…

      • Anonymous :

        Oh, boy. A CrossFit Vegan doing Whole30! I actually have no objection to anyone doing any of those things (and have done Whole30 myself) but – there’s a lady in my office doing Whole30 right now and she cannot.shut.up about it.

    • Anonymous :

      “that’s great. Not my thing/area of interest really.” Keep saying it while looking as uninterested as possible and asking no questions. She may get the hint that you’re not the one to talk to bc you won’t congratulate her, commiserate etc. and she’ll move onto someone who will. Once in a while I’ve said “yeah I’m trying to gain weight so not sure what to tell you.” Not sure if it’s rude but for the person who was harping on it — subtly would have zero effect.

    • Personally, I tend to say, “I’m recovered from an eating disorder and I really prefer not to talk about diets,” but I have a high degree of comfort with being open about my past. I’ve also just said, under circumstances where I didn’t want to go that far, “I’m not a fan of diets so I’m going to peace out of this conversation.” That actually tends to shut people down; if they press, I’ll just say that I don’t think dieting is a great way to view a relationship to food, and give the conversation a hard redirect.

      • For extra confrontation avoidance with people who just can’t take a hint, I’ve said: “all this talk of food just makes me want a bacon cheeseburger, can we talk about something else?” I find that it appeals to their inner obsession with food without making them feel defensive.

        Although the older I get the less I give a F about being offensive or making someone who should know better feel uncomfortable.

  8. In need of art :

    I’m trying to find a big piece to put over my leather chesterfield sofa and struggling to find something that I like. I’d like a large painting, and I tend toward abstract, colorful paintings. The rest of my place though is in a style that I would describe as vintage flea market (lots of brass, leather, and wood). Any ideas where I could be looking online? I don’t like a lot of the typical things I’m seeing on Pinterest (i.e., phrases, animal heads, mid-century modern art).

    • I like to browse through They have a TON of stuff and it can be overwhelming, but most of the art in my apartment came from there.

    • anon a mouse :

      Honestly? You might have good luck trolling craigslist in your area, if someone is trying to sell something.

      Fab has some stretched canvas pieces that might be up your alley. Society 6 might too.

    • heatherskib :

      Etsy or Novica.

    • Anonymous :

      You can filter on etsy to find paintings

    • Why not do it yourself, Rothko style, and then spend money on a nice frame to tie it all together with your other stuff?

    • I bought something by a local artist. His paintings are pretty big and he paints on wood. I have one of his tree paintings above my sofa (red trees) and one of his abstracts in my office.

      Here’s his website, if you’re interested

    • Anonymous :

      These can be fug but you might find something that fits your taste: cat2:walldecorwindowtreatments_walldecor cat1:walldecorwindowtreatments pagetype:products

      +1 on Society6, too – it was a PITA to hang it nicely but we love our tapestry.

    • I am a big fan of supporting local artists when you can (they can be quite affordable, especially if you’re not in one of the big metro areas). Are there street/flea markets or other similar events in your area? It also is great because you’ll get a unique piece and the story behind it.

      • Rainbow Hair :

        This this this! There are real live artists in your neighborhood and if you can buy from them you get to help them continue to be artists!

        Here are some places the young/up-and-coming artists I know show or have shown: cool hair salons, coffee shops, performance venues, restaurants, bookstores, breweries, farmers markets, etc. You can also scope out if anywhere nearby has one of those Art Walk things where studios etc. are open to the public. When you see something that catches you at a place like that, ask if it’s for sale, or google the artist to get in touch. Heck, maybe you can commission something!

      • This! Check out local gallery walks!

  9. Trying this again.... :

    Needing destination recommendations for a 4 day trip!

    -Budget: Not specified
    -Looking for either sunny or not
    -Nothing in NYC/CA/FL/TX/SC or NC/NV/ATL
    -Looking for something unique/fun
    -LOVE to eat (biggest requirement is good food)
    -Open to other things that are not Shopping or Hiking (or Skiing)
    -I live by a beach, in sunny weather, by a vineyard – which is why all those are out!

    • Sounds like New Orleans is your winner.

      • Senior Attorney :


      • Trying this again.... :

        OoOoO never considered this one! Any specific recs on where to stay and what to see please?

        • Stay in the French Quarter but not on Bourbon St. See everything you can! I loved wondering around the garden district and going to the cemetery.

        • Staying in the French Quarter is important to the experience and AIMS is right about Bourbon Street, which you can avoid. Each of the hotels I’ve stayed at have been fine and I’m a hospitality professional so I don’t really think you can go wrong. Unless you’re looking for something very particular or boutique in nature, then go with whatever type of star level FQ place you prefer. All of the food up and down the price spectrum is a blast, but I do regret not experiencing the bananas foster at Brennan’s.

        • I’ve stayed 3 times in the Sheraton on Canal St. Check the various hotel discount websites – you can generally get a pretty good deal and it’s very walkable.

          Obv, do the French Quarter and go to jazz on Frenchmen St. (I like the Spotted Cat for jazz, The Gumbo Shop for gumbo, Aunt Sally’s for pralines, and the Napoleon House for a Pimm’s Cup (I may or may not drink 4 in a sitting…)) After you’ve done that, rent a car (uber’s not reliable that far out) and go visit the plantations. I personally think Oak Alley is overrated if you’re an old house lover – nothing is original inside and the teenage tour guides only know their 15 minute script, so save your money, take a picture of the outside from the road, and head instead to Laura and St. Joseph plantations right in the area that are so much more enriching. You could also check out Houmas in a different area.

          You could also take a kayaking tour of the bayous, but I’m not sure if ecotourism is your thing.

        • Senior Attorney :

          And definitely do a carriage tour of the cemetery. SO cool and SO not what I expected!

    • Nashville! :

      The food is fantastic, the people are great, and did I mention the food scene is fantastic?

      • Trying this again.... :

        I ALWAYS meant to go to Nashville when I lived adjacently. Any specific recs of places to see/what to do and eat that I can check out? Food is #1 LOL

        • Off the top of my head for restaurants (I live here): Husk, Rolf and Daughters, Butcher and Bee, Josephine, Tansuo, Henrietta Red, Nicky’s Coal Fired, 404 Kitchen, Prima, etch, Monell’s, lots of bbq places if you are into it. Things to do: Cheekwood Botanical Gardens, go tour the country bars on Broadway, see the Parthenon, hike through the Warner Parks, walk around 12 South shops. Places to stay: the 404, there’s a new Omni and a new Westin that have recently opened up, and the Hermitage Hotel if you like historical stuff. Plus about a zillion airbnbs.

        • Nashvillian :

          How long ago did you live adjacently? I say this, as it may not have mattered if you visited even 5 years ago – the scene is totally different now. Classics would be Loveless Café, which is outside of town, or visiting the Oak Bar at the Hermitage Hotel (and check out the men’s bathroom). We have awesome new restaurants I swear opening nightly. My favs are City House (which is an old classic by new Nashville terms), Adeles, Marsh House, and Etch. We have a new Westin with a cool rooftop bar. And a new 21C museum hotel. Go see the Country Music Hall of Fame. It really is worth it. Get a drink and hear music at Robert’s Western World and Acme. Avoid most of the places in Broadway in between those two.

    • Anonymous :


      • Trying this again.... :

        Any recs I can check out there that you love? I’ve been there too but for business.

        • Chicago for sure :

          Chicago consistently has the country’s and world’s best restaurants, so I don’t know how you could go wrong. Do you like pizza (no, not deep dish! Try Spacca Napoli or Forno Rosso), do you like Mexican (Big Star for tacos, any Rick Bayless restaurant, the entire neighborhood of Pilsen, Irazu for Costa Rican), do you like meat (any of our steakhouses, BBQ places, Publican, any of Stephanie Izard’s restaurants), do you like burgers (then obviously, Au Cheval), do you like ethnic (Greektown, Chinese and sushi restaurants, Parachute for new Korean, etc.) do you like Michelin stars (

          Do you like fun, quirky things? We have tiki bars, German bars, grilled cheese food trucks, speakeasies, curling and bocce bars, arcade bars, board game bars, old school game room bars, breweries, old school diners, jazz bars, blues bars, dueling piano bars, I could go on.

          If good food is your top priority, Chicago is your city hands-down. As for what to do, explore what makes Chicago an incredible city – the neighborhoods! You will probably encounter a street festival or a specialty foods festival or visit some little neighborhood only to discover a Michelin star restaurant at the end of the street. The public art is amazing -the bean, the architecture, the murals tucked away in an alley… The museums are world class and so accessible. Walk along the lake and the river. Go to a sports game – even if you aren’t into baseball, Wrigley (and same goes for Fenway) is worth seeing.

    • Uh…When would you leave? You could come to Minnesota (St. Paul/Mpls) for the State Fair, which is starting the end of this week (10 days, ending Labor Day). Lots of people watching, various foods on a stick (there’s always a guide to what’s new and weird – some good, some not), and then you can wander down to the barns and look at the prize winning hogs, horses, bunnies, etc.

      Plus there are enough foodie restaurants and craft breweries to keep you full and inebriated for 4 days. Museums, plays, parks – 2 hr drive to Lake Superior (very picturesque, you don’t need to hike tho you can if you want).

      • Trying this again.... :

        Labor day weekend! Short notice but Vegas was the plan until I was like… ugh I’ve been twice already and don’t want to AGAINNNN.

        • Then you’ll be able to make it :) Seriously though, it’s an experience – 2nd largest State Fair (after Texas), dedicated fairgrounds on the St.Paul campus of the University of Minnesota, so it’s right in the middle of the Mpls/St. Paul metro area.

          Here’s the list of new foods – :)

      • And, as a Chicagoan, if you go to MSP you must try Pizzeria Lola. On par with Spacca Nappoli (mentioned above).

    • New York City baby!

    • Live to Eat :

      I have gone all over the US with the express purpose of eating and I think Nashville, New Orleans and Charleston (probably in that order) are the best cities for food in the US (although I’m admittedly biased because I LOVE Southern cuisine). Our trip to Nashville was AMAZING. We literally ate ourselves silly for four days straight and every single thing that entered our mouths was delicious. We didn’t even get to half the restaurants on our “must visit” list and I’m dying to go back. If you’re not a big fan of Southern food, note that while those three cities do have excellent restaurants that aren’t Southern or Cajun, that kind of cuisine is definitely a focus of a large percentage of the restaurants there. If you want bigger cities with more variety, NYC/Chicago/SF are tops, probably in that order. I tend to think Portland, OR and Vegas are slightly overrated as foodie destinations, although they certainly both have some excellent restaurants.

      Don’t go to a Midwestern state fair – I grew up in the Midwest and live here currently so I say this with love, but the food at those things is all about quantity, not quality. It has a certain place and I love to go as a local, but it’s not something I would fly to. It’s also not something you can go to for more than one day, so you’ll spend a day there and then be really bored for the rest of the trip. Whereas in any of the other cities mentioned, you can have excellent meals for breakfast/lunch/dinner for four days straight.

    • columbus! :

      Columbus… a huge food destination, lots of outdoor options if you want them, you can rent a car and hit nearby cities in shortish drives, lots of direct flights, etc.!

    • Memphis? Great food (hog and hominy, Andrew Michael, Iris), classic bbq (too many to name) and fried chicken (Gus’s), great blues, soul music (Stax!), Elvis, the National Civil Rights Museum, some interesting Native American mounds in Arkansas, some art stuff… just don’t come in the next 3 weeks, because it’s still ridiculously hot. lots of festivals in spring and fall. check out the “i love memphis” blog for events etc.

    • Burlington, VT

  10. Associate Review :

    It’s time for my review and I’m wondering what are some good questions for me to ask. I felt like my first review was not a big deal since I was a first year and it was not really a review, rather than a “how are you adjusting” conversation. I’d like to have actual questions this time around, but really don’t know what I should be asking.

    Any thoughts?

    • Well, how do you feel like the year has gone? I’m not sure there are generic right questions to ask – I think it all depends on how you feel about your performance.

    • Anonymous :

      I never really asked any questions unless I was surprised by something on the review or disagreed with it. If it was generally positive and all factually accurate, I simply said “Thank you.”

  11. Threadjack! I’m a disillusioned BigLaw paralegal in my mid-thirties. Anyone have ideas for exit strategies? I’m intuitive, love yoga, the mountains, and the ocean, and have never fit in at fancy law firms despite spending 10+ years working at them. Feeling lost.

    • Anonymous :

      I like pina coladas and getting lost in the rain. What worked for me was quitting and finding a better culture at a different law firm. Not all firms are soul sucking and not all jobs have to be fulfilling and “dream” jobs. I have a better quality of life and am happy, while also bringing home a paycheck. Work is work for me, and I don’t take it home anymore.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      Switch to small law in a more rural / hippy city near the ocean and mountains? By near I mean most things are an hour away/max. Portland, Maine, Burlington, VT (lake instead of ocean there), Portsmouth, NH?

    • Trying this again.... :

      I recommend first and foremost something I do often called getting quiet. Basically, I drown out other noises like say, social media etc or whatever else and I use time not spent working to think. I light a candle, with my journal and think. What do I want in a company? Everything from size of the company to my kind of preferred work. Then after honing in on what I want – I go for it. Think about what you really need and want -not what your family, society or whoever else wants. Good luck :)

    • Rainbow Hair :

      I know a paralegal who went in-house, still a paralegal, at a large company. She works in their legal department, largely, I gather, on things related to real estate acquisitions… basically using the general paralegal skills but way outside of the biglaw vibe.

    • I would look into Legal Ops Manager jobs in house. Essentially you deal with things like making sure the legal dept is staffed correctly, outside counsel bills are correct and paid on time, and help with whatever the GCs/AGCs need. These are _cush_ jobs that pay well, use your legal skills, but don’t mean you have to be doing paralegal work. Also, just because you don’t like fancy firms doesn’t mean you wouldn’t like being in-house. Just the freedom not to have to bill is incredibly refreshing.

  12. Trixie Belden :

    These were my wedding shoes! They were very comfortable and fun.

  13. Anonymous :

    Have you thought about moving in-house? Large corporations need paralegals just like law firms, but the pay will still be pretty good and you’ll have regular hours.

  14. Dry Eyelids :

    Does anyone else get really dry eyelids, and know what to do with them? I rarely wear eye makeup, but my upper eyelids are dry, rough, and itchy most of the time. Regular face moisturizer stings, so does anyone have any recommendations for something made specifically for sensitive dry eyelids? Preference for something that can be found at CVS, Target, etc.

    • Anonymous :

      I would go to a derm. It might be caused by an allergy or eczema.

      • +1. Or even an eye doctor. I have been struggling with something that sounds very similar, and it was some kind of eczema. The derm prescribed a cortisone cream for the irritation under my eyes, and then when my eye doctor noticed it on an upper eyelid during a routine eye exam, she prescribed a different cream that is safe for use around the eye area. Regular moisturizer or lotion stung on me, too.

        (I don’t know what’s causing it, so I can’t help you there).

    • Anonymous :

      I’d try using a small amount of eye cream on your eyelids. It’s generally used on dark circles, but I use mine on my eyelids as well.

    • Flats Only :


    • +1 to the suggestion to see a dermatologist for this, if you haven’t already. Any ongoing eye condition (even upper eyelids) is a bit worrisome.

    • I like the Cerave eye repair cream.

    • Small amounts of vaseline or aquaphor, but def go to a dermatologist. Could be psoriasis?

    • This sounds like eczema or a similar condition, not just normal dry skin. +1 to the recommendation to see an eye doctor or dermatologist. Normal creams could be making your issue worse by irritating the area.

    • Get to a derm, but try theralid scrub. Blepharitis may be to blame (a se x x x y name for an equally se x x x y condition)!

    • Marshmallow :

      Yeah, +1 on the derm suggestion. The eyelids are a really common place for allergic eczema.

      In the meantime, CeraVe healing ointment is pretty good, but if it’s eczema you really need a prescription to clear it up.

  15. I posted on the weekend thread about my 6 year old boy who is advanced for his age. Thank you for all the replies and for sharing personal stories, both pros and cons.
    I’ll add some follow ups in response to questions I got, in the hope that my question will be clearer and I’ll get other responses.

    – Our public school district does not have a gifted program. So my choices are (1) move to a private school for gifted kids (either close by or a better one at a long commute), (2) advocate for changing the way he is taught at his current school, or (3) supplement at home.
    – On (1) DH and I work full time and there’s also a baby in the picture (younger sibling) so it’s hard for us to supplement at home a lot. So far it has been a lot of throwing library books at him and asking him to read quietly and not wake the baby. As sibling gets older, we may have more time but their needs will be different so our time will have to be split.
    – Private schools are expensive! We did a tour of the one close to us, and their description of gifted kids (asynchronized development in particular interests) matched our kid. I’m not sure how early we need to start paying through the nose (assuming he gets tested, and admitted). Does this really matter in grade one? Will it matter in middle or high school? Or are we risking him losing interest in school, or a window of learning closing for him in terms of brain development? The schools will say yes, but they want to sell us something.
    – Finally, on my option (2) above, we’re not sure we want him to skip a grade since he will be physically the smallest and may not enjoy soccer or other sports if he is not able to do as well.

    Your points about teaching him to be a good loser and to be kind, are all noted. I agree that it is very important and I try hard to emphasize it, but it seems to me that this is all developmentally appropriate on his part, unrelated to his possible gifted-ness.

    • Anonymous :

      Even though there is no gifted program, the school can develop an IEP for him – talk to them. He is likely not the first kid to need more, so they may be able to tutor him separately or he could go up a grade for math class, etc.

    • I was a gifted kid, and my mom ended up getting a master’s of education with a specialty in gifted education when I was 10 because she not only wanted to make sure I was taken care of, but that other kids would be as well. Being in a school environment that is stimulating and appropriate to his needs to definitely crucial from this moment forward, especially if you don’t have the time/energy to supplement significantly at home. Otherwise, he’ll lose interest in school (and risk being teased about being too smart, and therefore dumb himself down to get along), act out from boredom, and never learn important skills like studying because he can pass without doing it. Ask me how I know.

      One of the private schools sounds like your best bet, and he really should go now. Look into scholarship options. Skipping grades isn’t a great option from a social/maturity standpoint, though unless he’s expressed a strong interest in playing sports I would make that the least of your concerns.

    • Anonymous :

      Get a grip? There’s almost 0 chance that your 6 yr old is a genius or anything more than the regular amount of smart. He’ll survive public school . . . .

      • Anonymous :

        It really sounded like he was genius-level smart from the original post. It’s certainly possible to identify that as young as 6. That said, I agree that even the most brilliant kids will survive public school and certainly lots of kids get into Harvard/Yale/Stanford/MIT just by being normal smart kids who take lots of honors and AP classes in high school and do very well. You don’t have to take calculus in elementary school to get into an elite college, and I think acceleration in elementary school can have some big social downsides. I also don’t think skipping a grade is a great option. If the kid is really genius-level, he’d have to skip about five grades or more to be academically challenged and that’s obviously totally impractical socially (and if he really only needs to skip a single grade, he’s more like “normal smart” and will be fine in his regular class).

        OP, I’d probably keep him in his current school and look into gifted summer camps so he can spend some time interacting with other smart kids. That will give him a lot of the social benefits of a gifted program and I really don’t think you have to worry about academic benefits until middle school. If your local middle school doesn’t offer any honors track or accelerated math, then I’d probably switch schools before he gets there.

        • Eh, grade skipping is just to get past things that are really already known and avoid an entire year being awash with boredom. Even if you’re a genius, you don’t know the whole grade 2-6 curriculum in every subject. Acceleration specifically in math was not uncommon in my school district starting in middle school. And math curriculums are easy to work through independently for kids who are math-inclined, so that’s something an iep could address even in elementary school.

          OP, you probably already supplement your child’s education more than you think. My mom didn’t sit with me and do logic puzzles, but she did get me books of them and congratulate me when I solved tough one. My family played Scrabble, chess, and rumikub. We went to the library a lot. My parents let me (and siblings) do basic, household items science experiments, helped me make electromagnets and play with simple circuits, and had a globe, an atlas, and a giant stock of educational floppy disk computer games. When I got obsessed with geology, they bought me a crystal-growing kit and a rock tumbler and let me have at it. All of this doesn’t address the social needs for a gifted kid, bit academically speaking if you’re paying enough attention to know your kid is gifted, you’re probably also giving him enough mental stimulation just by engaging with him and trying to make him happy.

          I don’t remember having much social angst over being smart, even having skipped a grade. It probably helped that I’m tall and reasonably athletic and attractive, and it is totally possible I was oblivious to people making fun of me. I wasn’t popular, but I wasn’t at the bottom of the ladder, either, and I had plenty of friends for my introvert needs. My elementary school best friends were in my gifted class and my music groups, but I remember reading fiction about gifted kids who were ostracized and insecure and not finding it relatable at all. By middle and high school, I rarely crossed paths with anyone who wasn’t in at least one honors/AP class, so it was a non issue, socially. The post on the original thread over the weekend about being “slapped with a gifted label” really made me sad. The positives I got out of being identified far, far outweighed any negatives.

          Gifted kids don’t have to grow up to be exceptional. I am a normal, successful professional that no one has ever heard of. But I enjoyed school, and I’m happy with my life, and I think that’s the end goal for a non-tiger mom, so I hope my parents consider me a successful outcome.

      • Why would you say that? Gifted is typically defined anything over an IQ 2 standard deviations above the mean and by definition that should be around 2-3% of the population.

        Not the OP, but my siblings and I were all identified as gifted, my husband and his sibling we’re both identified as gifted, and intelligence is largely heritable. So there’s a significantly higher than zero chance for my kids to be gifted.

        Regular smart and gifted are totally different, and should ideally be treated differently in educational settings (although yes, a gifted kid would probably survive public school). It’s too bad that more people don’t recognize that.

    • JuniorMinion :

      I was a gifted kid as well who ended up in private school (on a pretty substantial scholarship). I had gone to a relatively inexpensive (think ~$4k – $10k / year in the 90s) parochial school for elementary school and then the public school district I was zoned to told my parents they would be sending 12 year old me to classes with sophomores at the local high school (!!) as part of a potential IEP plan which wasn’t a really safe / great option. I think this might have changed but be prepared if you aren’t in a great school district for an answer like this that really isn’t a good plan.

      I think what is key is that your child is in a place where they aren’t ostracized / made to feel like a freak show for their academics. The right private schools are good at this because they emphasize smart / different strokes / different interests are positive things as opposed to the normativity / smart people are losers that can run rampant in public school districts (like mine). I would look into some additional solutions though -are there charter schools / parochial or other religious school options that might get your child the academics he needs while being less expensive? I would personally (and did as a kid) travel farther for good schooling. I had parents that weren’t very good in many respects (emotional abuse etc) but they have my undying gratitude for the schooling I got and I owe much of who I am / the fact that I am (relatively) socially well adjusted to those schools I attended.

      • JuniorMinion :

        One additional point – on the sports thing, I wouldn’t worry as much about that. Coming from a small town, if you weren’t a popular kid / if for some reason you were different than the other kids you were penalized in sports because the coaches didn’t like the weird kids – so for me at least there would have been no good way to handle this that would have allowed me to play subjectively judged (ie not running / swimming where your time is your time) sports. By the time it would matter (middle / high school) unless you think you’re going to play in college sports can become a huge time drain with minimal reward and you can be just as much a part of the team / get the benefit of it even if you aren’t as involved / good at it.

        • Senior Attorney :

          Martial arts is great for the kids who are a little sideways from the rest of the crowd. My gifted nerdy kid did it for years and loved it.

        • Swimming not through school because then your son can swim with his age group rather than his grade level.

          • Anonymous :

            My brother played competitive baseball and this was also true. He was a popular recruit for multiple teams because of when his birthday was (very late in the school year so young for his grade but he basically got an extra year on all his travel sports teams.)

    • Anonymous :

      My brothers and I were gifted and went to a public schools with gifted enrichment pull out programs (when we were younger) and then later after we moved (move not related to giftedness considerations) to a district-wide magnet school for gifted kids. In my experience boredom became a problem in 2nd grade. How I expressed my boredom was much less disruptive than it was with my brother though – I was very shy and eager to please and just sat staring into space, I think he was more likely to get into trouble, particularly as he got older. I was also teased a bit, but that happened at the gifted school. I definitely felt different early on. However, I was also one of the oldest kids in my class (November birthday, was technically red shirted in the state we lived in when I started school but was appropriate age after we moved). If I had not gone to gifted school in 4th grade I would probably have had to skip a grade.

      I liked the feel of the gifted school and the social environment was definitely preferable for me in middle and high school, but I didn’t feel like I received a particularly ground breaking education. The school just only offered honors and AP classes in high school, for instance, and I took a ton of APs. My teachers varied widely in quality. (To AZCPA’s point above, I was still teased for being smart at the gifted school, so it was not a social cure-all. But I would probably have been teased MORE and felt even more out of place at the regular school).

      I do not think being gifted has necessarily helped me that much in my career or in being a happy, successful person in general, so with my own son, I’m trying to focus on making sure he learns social and emotional skills that I struggle with. I would worry less about not helping him realize his brainy potential, and more on helping him learn to be a happy person and finding a place in the world where he fits in. Learning to be happy being ordinary can actually be quite helpful. Learning to struggle/fail is also important – I was the worst person on the swim team for years, which was hard but ultimately good for me since school always came easy for me.

      Our son tested into the gifted program but we are not doing it for kindergarten. At least in elementary school, they don’t actually use a different curriculum, they just “go deeper” or something with the same curriculum. The school with the program we were looking at has other drawbacks–no playground (we’re in NYC)–and it would mean a less diverse group of students. So we’re going to see how he does in the regular class and re-evaluate if needed. Our preschool teacher said since he is easily engaged by puzzles, etc. a good teacher should be able to keep him busy if he finishes his work early or something like that. We’ll see!

      • Anonymous :

        PS – TL/DR- I would start with option 2 and move on to 1 if that doesn’t work. I think he is young enough that you could give it a year to see how far you can get.

    • Thank you, this is OP. He loves soccer and is reasonably good at it and at one point said that his favorite part of school is playing soccer at recess, so the sports thing is important to him I think. He could in theory do soccer elsewhere or on the weekend where he’d be grouped with similar age kids I would think. And Senior Attorney, we did start on martial arts to take care of some of that excess energy on the weekend!

      • There are a number of colleges that have institutes associated with them that provide guidance, programs, camps, etc. for gifted kids. Look up the acceleration institute at Belin Blank; they’ve done a ton of research on the effects of various kinds of acceleration. They also have a fair bit of research on twice exceptional kids. My 6 y-o is bright (definitely not genius level, but ahead of his class by a ways right now) and we’re looking at options for weekend programs. Of course, he’s also showing definite signs of ADHD/ODD, so we should be in for an interesting ride…

    • Our public school system had gifted magnet school for grades 1-8. I didn’t really think much about it at the time, but in retrospect, this was incredibly beneficial. It’s a little counterintuitive, but being in an entirely separate program meant that I never stood out as being abnormally smart and always just thought of myself as pretty much average. I never felt like I was the smartest person in the room (and wasn’t- there were so many other students who were very, very good at specific things) or that I could get away without working hard. I had lots of friends and there was no teasing about being the nerdy kid. In retrospect, I probably stood out even in the gifted school, especially as a girl who did very well in math and science, but it wasn’t apparent to me at the time and I’m so grateful that I had this type of supportive social environment. It’s obviously a much harder decision when you’re paying for private school, though, especially since they’re much less likely to have the diversity of a public school.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

      I’ve had two kids skip grades in public school because they just weren’t challenged enough. I wasn’t concerned about the size issue, but I have a 13 year old who is over 6 feet tall…so ymmv. I was worried they wouldn’t be mature enough, but that wasn’t really based in any reality. It has worked out great for my kids.

    • I’m a double doctor with degrees from Harvard and Oxford and my brother is the genius. True genius.

      Honestly, when you are that smart, much of the “enrichment” for smart kids in the early years doesn’t really add much.

      My recs:

      Skip 1st grade.

      Just have him read. Like crazy. Always have a few books in his back pack. When he finishes early at school, he reads.

      Agree with talking to his school now, and if possible…. targeting specific teachers each year. Do a bit of research here. Then meet with his teacher every year and talk about what to do for him to keep him interested.

      Introduce him to chess early. I also recommend exposing him to an instrument, and piano is always a safe start. But it is more fun to play in a group, so advance to an orchestral instrument eventually.

      Get him involved in learning programming early.

      Keep him active in sports. This will be very useful for his overall health, happiness, social skills.

      • Anonymous :

        Definitely talk to and target specific teachers. My mom is a gifted education specialist, and her district has gone to a system where one of the elementary school classes in each grade is the “gifted” one. This is not great because it waters down the true gifted kids with kids who are just smart, and according to her there is a huge difference. But, at least she is there to be sensitive to the gifted kids’ needs. Not all teachers “believe in” giftedness. A lot of teachers go into the profession because they are passionate about helping kids who are struggling; they don’t like to teach smart kids. They don’t know how to teach kids who make intuitive leaps and learn without repetition. They don’t understand that behavior problems from boredom are a real thing, and think that a kid who finishes his work early should help others rather than be given something more interesting/challenging to do. These types of teachers are a big reason that gifted kids can have bad experiences in school. The administration can probably point you to teachers who have some kind of training or awareness in teaching gifted kids, and you should absolutely ask.

    • Oh so anon :

      Based on personal experience as the kid in the scenario, I would strongly recommend 1 and 2 together. Enrol you son in private school AND skip a grade. He will catch up maturity and size-wise, but it will be challenging to make up for (potentially) years of boredom and resulting resentment in a regular classroom. It is also much harder to sustain friendships with those who are not your intellectual peers.

  16. Paging - Meal prep for foodies :

    Hey this is puddlejumper responding with a meal prep novel:

    Okay originally think 2009 I used to have a binder that when I found recipes in magazines I liked or from books from the library that I had made copies of I put them in the binder. The binder was divided into categories of food. Then every week I had a grain/noodle night, mexican night, Asian food night, soup night, salad/sandwich night – i would flip through the master recipe binder, pull out recipes for each theme night, and then put them in another binder that had dividers for every week in the month + M-F and I would put them in there.

    Then pinterest came along. And I was stuck at my grandmothers house for like 2 weeks while she was in the hospital and I brought along this binder and others and put all those clippings into a pinterest account with divided categories for different types of recipes: Brunch/Breakfast, Baking, Sauces, Veggie Dinners, Meat Dinners, Seafood Dinners, Veggie Sides, Dinners for a Crowd, Slow Cooker Dinners, Holiday Food ETC Most of these are recipes I haven’t made before but they help inspire me. I rarely add things to this these days but its a good starting place when I need food inspiration.

    I also have a private pinterest board that I share with my husband of recipes that we would eat again. When I make something that I like – I try to go post it there so we can have it there. In the comments section I write any notes about the food I have there. This might seem repetitive to the google list I am going to talk about next – but my husband is visual and if he is helping cook, its much better for him to be able to scan the images in the pinterest board then try to look at a list of recipes to decide what he wants to eat. When I really have my stuff together, when I am making my monthly calendar of meals- I will copy them into a private board called “January 2017 Meals” and again share it with my husband so we don’t have to search all over the internet for recipes.

    The Google Spread Sheet part- so sometimes recipes are not on pinterest, and they are in cookbooks or on your email or something. This is where the spread sheet is helpful. When we have a winner of a recipe it goes in this spread sheet. The columns are: Name: Category: Season: Website/Page Number/Email Subject: Notes:

    Name: Sweet Potato Black Bean Empanadas
    Category: Veggie Dinner, Make Ahead
    Season: All Year
    Notes: These Sweet Potato Black Bean Empanadas were totally easy to make. The dough has worked out perfectly multiple times. Super friendly dough. Can make the dough in advance and put in the fridge. Can make extra and freeze them on cookie sheets prior to cooking and then put in a plastic bag once frozen through. Stuff them with whatever leftovers. Especially thanksgiving themed empanadas! Oh and the recipe actually worked out proportion wise. I was able to make the 10 empanadas with no extra filling. Don’t forget to put the egg white on if using after frozen!!! Husband eats 4 of these at least – loves them. Especially good with greek yogurt hot sauce dip.

    Tips: If a I really love a recipe and am worried the website will no longer exist – like Peas and Thank You Thai Veggie burgers! I copy and paste it into a email and label that email the name of the recipe and send it to myself. I am really bad with things like evernote so this is my evernote.

    For categories section on the google sheet I have things like: Veggie, Pasta, Soup, Meat, but I also have one for pantry – basically things you can cook with nothing in your fridge and for quick for recipes under 20 minutes.

    Additional Things I also do:
    Every 4 months or so I spend a day doing a ton of freezer meal prep. Making things to fill the freezer for really easy meals. I have made a HUGE google doc about this for some of my friends who wanted tips so I can email that to whomever wants it.

    When I am feeling really stuck with food inspiration and not wanting to meal plan, and then I will get a CSA box a few times and have to cook with whatever they give me which usually gets me inspired to try new things.

    Lastly – I only do this because I really love to cook. It is my decompress for the day. Don’t do this if this doesn’t sound fun. I am not suggesting everyone does it. I just really love food and eating. Coming home from a long day and getting to chop the heck out of something really helps me!

    • One Pan Healthy Fast Dinner :

      I am terrible at sustenance cooking. And my family is picky. But my fall back, life saving, kids will eat it meal has become 1) marinating fresh wild caught salmon filets (from Costco) in maple syrup with a splash of apple cider vinegar, salt and pepper while preheating over/cooking veggies; 2) preheating over to 425; 3) chopping up potatoes or yams or using those small potatoes, tossing with olive oil and salt/pepper then throwing on sheet pan in oven for 10 mins; 4) tossing whatever veggie (asparagus, cauliflower, broccoli are current favs) with olive oil, salt and pepper and adding after initial 10 mins to potatoes on sheet pan for 5-10 mins more; 5) adding salmon for 6ish mins after initial 15-20 mins. All items cook on one sheet pan and are done in about a total of 20 mins! Hard to mess up, healthy and yummy :)

    • Anon from yesterday :

      Puddlejumper you’re the best. Long time anon commenter over here who asked for the additional meal prep ideas yesterday. Really need to come up with a handle!!

      I love cooking too, and have fallen out of the habit thanks to BigLaw, but I’m in need of a new hobby and this is going to be it!!

  17. childfree question :

    I always knew I didn’t want to procreate. I found out in my 20s that I likely couldn’t, in my 30s, I had to have a partial hysterectomy. I’m at the age where many have kids and I get asked often if I’m childfree by choice. 1st, that feels weird to ask someone and 2nd, I guess the answer is yes and no, since I would have been if my body was able, but even if I would have wanted them, my body wasn’t able so I’d have had to been able to afford an alternative in order to parent.

    Also, holy crud do men on dating sites seem to hate this about me. Not just not being interested but in sending me tons of messages saying awful things about it (either of the “if you had my coughcough you’d want kids” kinds of things or the “you’re what’s wrong with women today” kinds of things). Yikes!

    • childfree question :

      Sorry for lack of clarity… the question was, how do I respond to the question without telling my whole medical history or being rude? I used to try “I’ll forgive you for asking if you forgive me for not answering” but that never stopped anyone from pushing for more.

      • Rainbow Hair :

        “So are you asking me about my contraceptive choices or my reproductive health, or both?”

        • Senior Attorney :

          Love this!

          Also: “Sorry, that’s on a need to know basis!”
          “Sorry, that’s not something I discuss!”
          “Sorry, I don’t go there. How ’bout them Dodgers?”
          “I’d tell you but then I’d have to kill you.”

          Captain Awkward always says the questioner has already introduced rudeness/awkwardness into the situation so it’s not your job to defuse it.

        • Ah! I am stealing this!!!

      • JuniorMinion :

        1) you can go with something generic like “Kids just weren’t part of the journey / path through life for me ” that doesn’t make it clear whether you didn’t want them / had medical issues / spent your 30s living in a yurt in a child free compound.

        2) Turn it back on them “What makes you ask?” or “Well! That’s certainly a personal question!”

        3) “No kids. I do like practicing though!”

        For what its worth you aren’t whats wrong with women today. Whats wrong with women today are those who have children for the wrong reasons (status / accessory) or those who aren’t prepared /desiring to be a good parent.

    • Honestly, it is such an overly personal question to ask, that I don’t mind being a little rude in response (I’m in a similar situation). I tend to go with a suggestion like Junior Minion’s “Well! That’s certainly a personal question!” to those I don’t want to especially offend.

      I’m sorry you are experiencing that on dating sites – those men are truly awful, and I would absolutely block and report them. For what its worth, while I have met (and blocked/reports) a few that acted similarly, I also met several nice men, who either were compatible with not having kids, or could politely decline – keep trying!

    • Anonymous :

      Someone here suggested saying “Why do you ask?” in response to rude, personal questions. I guess that wouldn’t really work on a dating s i te where you’re supposed to be talking about this stuff, but I’d definitely say that to relatives who ask.

      (And omg those men on the dating s i tes sound awful!!! One unsolicited but possibly helpful suggestion – are you open to divorced dads of older kids? I know a couple 40ish divorced guys with elementary-school age kids and they are specifically looking for women who don’t have/want kids or have older kids and don’t want more, because they really don’t want to do the baby/toddler thing again.)

  18. Does anyone else here have sensory processing disorder (diagnosed or suspected)? It makes clothes really tough to find!

    My specific triggers are: anything with buttons anywhere (except one as a closure for pants but that must be the same color as the pants, nothing showy or differently colored as an accent), no socks, no visible zippers, nothing higher than a crew neck cut, no white bottoms or white dresses.

    Plus, I can’t afford dry cleaning so any of that is out.

    I sometimes feel like I must find a job working from home or a wealthy spouse so I never have to wear nicer clothes! Wondering if there are others here with similar or their own triggers, just for camaraderie’s sake!

    • This is interesting- I have all kinds of sensory issues with clothes, but they’re pretty much all about feel- I have to wear socks or I get blisters and my feet are freezing, I have to cut out the tags or they scratch at me all day, can’t wear anything itchy or tight or I get horrible rashes, etc. It never even occurred to me that people would have similar issues with the way things look, but maybe it should have. I guess I do share the aversion to any visible zippers (though at least partially because I don’t like the way they feel) or showy accents. I like things plain or simply patterned (stripes or an even pattern are fine, but asymmetries or ruffles are abhorrent- not a big fan of most currently fashionable clothing!).

    • I have never been diagnosed, but I have been wondering whether I have a sensory processing disorder. I cannot stand when the seams on socks aren’t aligned properly, I can’t really wear crew necks or higher without discomfort, I can’t stand if the arms on shirts or jackets are a little tight, I’m sensitive to being bombarded with noise and stimulation (a walk in Times Square is my worst nightmare), etc. Your list of requirements for clothing doesn’t sound THAT prohibitive; maybe brands like Eileen Fisher on consigment would work well for you on a budget?

  19. Did anyone see this ask a manager today?

    WILD – imagine coming home and your bf has vanished without a trace? And now she is going to be his boss??

  20. These are lovely! The blue suede color is so rich and vibrant! And the cute little keyhole gives a modern and trendy look to a very classic flat. I will definitely be purchasing these!

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