Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Khloe Crepe 3/4-Sleeve Blazer

311 Comments

1. Any recs for tax software? FWIW, married filing jointly with two kids, no complicating factors like investments or whatever, AGI ~$250K, have a mortgage and student loans but don’t anticipate needing to itemize. I normally run federal through a couple of versions to check to make sure I’m in the right ballpark – I used credit karma last year but that’s converted to Cash app and I wanted to see if there was anything better. Thanks!

   1. Likely the generic answer but we’ve used turbo tax and never had any issues.

   2. I like FreeTaxUSA

      1. Same. Multiple jobs (W-2 and 1099), sold some stock, and the free version was still sufficient.

   3. My dad does my taxes, but he uses H&R Bloch on his computer and checks it with his CPA accountant to make sure they didn’t miss anything. He used Turbotax but once he figured out they got to the number, he stopped paying for both programs.

   4. Turbo Tax does the trick for us every year, but are you looking for free only given you want to use multiple?

   5. Almost exact same profile and turbo tax works great every year. I even used it the one year we had a rental property in another state. I have yet to encounter a situation it couldn’t handle.

   6. I really like Turbo Tax. Our AGI is a lot lower than yours ($100k) and we take the standard deduction but it walks you through everything to make sure we’re not missing anything.

      1. I know people here like Turbo Tax, but it did not handle my self employment health care costs correctly when my business was a S Corp. I escalated the issues to Turbo Tax last year and spent hours trying to solve the issues. Turbo Tax didn’t fix the problem until after I manually filled out my tax forms using IRS forms, and they refused my refund (which didn’t surprise me because I had received multiple inaccurate answers about that and others issues from their advisors by that point and lost faith in them). It seems my experience must be atypical, but I will never use them again.

         1. I have an LLC that is not an S Corp. At that level, you really need an independent accountant doing your tax return. After years of doing turbo tax for my family’s somewhat complicated taxes myself – I saw us through stock options and RSUs and selling short and long term equities and an enormous loss on a stock purchase plan at my prior employer – once I had a business and needed to account for healthcare and an SEP IRA and business expenses, I turned it over to a pro and never looked back.

            And by pro, I do not mean HR Block.

         2. I think a self-employment situation is much more complicated than what OP is describing.

            1. I’m reasoning to the person with the S Corp.

            2. I was responding to the poster at 1:47 who said TurboTax didn’t work for her self-employment situation and I agree that may be beyond TurboTax’s capabilities. The OP of this thread (at 7:54) and me (at 10:20) have a much less complicated tax situation.

   7. I vented last week about HR Block. Do not recommend.

   8. I use TurboTax. Just make sure you read the details carefully and buy the one for your needs.

      Honestly, if I had your income, I would not be wasting my valuable time on doing taxes, and would find a good accountant who can occasionally answer questions/know more then you who might save you money in the long run. Remember, your time has value.

      1. It literally takes me an hour to do and file our taxes with Turbo Tax. It would take me a lot longer to find and vet an accountant. I’m a big fan of outsourcing but this is not an area where it makes sense IMO, unless your taxes are way more complicated than mine and OP’s.

         1. Really? Not a bit of an exaggeration? Well you are a star. It takes me an hour just to find all of my forms/receipts.

   9. I like TaxAct, usually winds up being cheaper for state filings than TurboTax which always charges even if it says it’s going to be free. Also in my state it makes sense to file married filing separately (though we file jointly for federal) and TaxAct can handle that where TurboTax cannot.

2. I don’t own a car and need to rent one about once a month. Hertz is definitely evil. Beyond the corporate policy of misreporting customers to the police as having stolen vehicles, I’ve repeatedly seen them overbook and then leave people stranded.

   What are the less evil rental car companies?

   1. Is Zipcar any better? I remember when they used to have their cars parked all over town kind of like rental bikes. I think they do more conventional car rental now.

      1. Zipcar IS better, but much more expensive for daily rates than traditional rental car outfits.

   2. I worked in the automotive industry for about 5 years and always had good experiences with enterprise. Maybe its just the particular branches in my city, but they were always great to both me and customers. I had problems with every other rental company.

      1. Yeah I think this can be very local. I used to use the local National office in my city because it was conveniently located in my office building. I had Emerald status and never had an issue with being stranded – they would upgrade me if they overbooked. They were friendly and efficient and I never got billed for random scratches or anything. I agree Hertz is terrible. I remember booking with National in another city for a wedding and not being super impressed though, so I think you need to find what works for you locally.

         1. Enterprise and National (also Alamo, FWIW), have a common corporate parent, and we find both of them to be consistently good–service is pleasant and prompt, lines aren’t hideous, none of the overbooking “that’s why you make a RESERVATION” stuff we often experienced with Hertz. I think Hertz isn’t worth booking (absent a corporate code or similar significant discount) and will almost always take Enterprise or National assuming they’re not significantly more expensive than the most budget option (and honestly, they’re usually not).

      2. Spouse is in the car industry. Many dealerships don’t do loaners any more unless it is a posh brand. Instead, they do daily rentals at cost, so you may want to look into that.

   3. I’ve usually had decent service from Enterprise.

   4. Enterprise and Avis are both fine. The shortage of cars that anyone who’s tried to buy lately has experienced is also hitting rental car companies, so get your reservation in ASAP.

   5. We’ve never had a problem with Avis or Budget (same corporate owner). As is Zipcar IIRC, though we haven’t used it for their more traditional daily rentals vs. the old “by the hour” approach.

      1. +1. Enterprise owns National and Alamo, Hertz owns Dollar and Thrifty, and Avis owns Budget, Payless and Zipcar.

   6. Avis is fine. Tbh I have always had fine experiences with Hertz too though.

      1. +1 if you do #1 club gold or whatever they call it, it’s so easy to just pick up your Hertz car and zoom off. I’ve never had an issue.

   7. Turo, which is an app. Slight learning curve at the beginning, but it’s really incredible. I can see it being particularly helpful if you go to the same place each time, as you can probably rent from the same person each time.

      1. Second this. Once we discovered Turo, we never looked back. And definitely agree if you are going to the same/repeat places, you can rent from the same person (many people who rent cars out on Turo have multiple cars and run it as a business).

   8. I’ve always had good luck with Enterprise – friendly, helpful and efficient.

   9. I usually rent with Avis and have not had any problems (yet). The rates are good, the customer service has always been excellent in multiple cities, and no availability issues.

      Take it with a grain of salt, but check out the Trip Advisor reviews for the city you are renting in. People usually only complaint but sometimes the relative number and nature of bad reviews will tell you something.

      I once rented with Hertz in Portland (OR), picked up a nail on my tire and they just gave me a new car while I was fully expecting them to ask me to pay for it (and I would have done it). I once rented with Hertz in Hawaii, had a piece literally fall off while I was driving it (on a main road) and they sent me a bill for the repair of what was clearly a pre-existing issue. (And then send it to collections when I refused to pay for it; I am now banned from all Hertz companies.) This really is pretty local.

      Having said that – the recent news about Hertz’ corporate practices in reporting cars stolen and refusing to change those practices despite knowing they had an inventory software issue would make me think twice about using them anywhere.

   10. National or Endevour if available

3. I need shopping help. I have a gala to attend at the end of April for my daughter’s school. It is an evening event (6pm to 11pm) at a local country club. It will be indoor/outdoor in the mid-Atlantic. I need to find a dress. I attended the event last year, but it was outdoor and more casual than usual, so I don’t have the best idea of the dress code. Judging from pictures of previous years it is a mixture of long gowns and some shorter dressier gowns. I’m a cusp size 14-16 with a larger chest and carry my weight in my stomach. Budget is $250 and under.

   1. Off the wall suggestion – David’s Bridal bridesmaid dresses. Lots of gowns in your size/price point.

      1. will disagree – they are very obviously bridesmaid dresses. do not do this.

   2. I’m the same size as you and I have had luck with Lauren by Ralph Lauren for easy floor-length dresses that are nice but under your budget and fit off the rack. They also have some nice jumpsuits right now if you like that look.

      1. Same size and I’ve had great luck with Ralph Lauren as well.

   3. I tend to like things that can be dressed up or down for this sort of thing.

      Like this one – which is easy to accessories to be more “festive”: https://www.nordstrom.com/s/sl-fashions-ruffle-sleeveless-wrap-dress/6280243?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses%2FCocktail%20%26%20Party&fashionsize=size%2FWomen%3A%20Apparel%2F16%2C%20XL%7Csize%2FWomen%3A%20Apparel%2F14%2C%20L&color=001

      1. And not sure if this one is too fall a color but I love it: https://www.nordstrom.com/s/maggy-london-long-sleeve-sequin-blouson-dress/6713037?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses%2FCocktail%20%26%20Party&fashionsize=size%2FWomen%3A%20Apparel%2F16%2C%20XL%7Csize%2FWomen%3A%20Apparel%2F14%2C%20L&color=624

4. Moved to Central Jersey (Princeton area) for a job, any recs for favorite restaurants/stores/things to do in the area? I’ve done some exploring but want to make sure I haven’t missed any gems. Ty!

   1. These are all very Princeton centric, but the tow path along Lake Carnegie is a nice walk. Sandwiches from Olive’s and then a picnic at the Princeton Battlefield. T Sweets and Halo Pub ice cream (way better than Bent Spoon). Duke Farms in Hillsborough Township are gorgeous.

      1. Omg, Olive’s big chocolate chip cookies.

   2. We just left that area! For food, Nomad pizza in Princeton and Hopewell is delicious! Gingered Peach is an amazing Black-owned bakery in Lawrenceville. Princeton is wonderful for walking around and exploring on Nassau Street and Palmer Square, and the campus. For walks and kids’ outdoor activities and camps, I recommend the Watershed Institute in Pennington and NJ Audubon Society Plainsboro Preserve. The Lawrence Hopewell Trail has an extensive walking/biking trail system. A little farther afield, but great hikes is Bowman’s Hill Wildflower Preserve in Washington Crossing, PA (which also has a cool re-enactment of Washington crossing the Delaware on Christmas Day with a rehearsal earlier in December). While you’re over there, both New Hope and Lambertville are great for restaurants, shopping, and people watching.

      Enjoy for us – we really miss the area. And thanks for recognizing Central Jersey!

      1. Seconding Gingered Peach! Also like Jammin Crepes, PJ’s Pancake House (a classic), and Osteria Procaccini in Kingston. Also agree with the Thomas’ Sweets rec below.

   3. Restaurants: Agricola, Meeting House, Elements for a fancy night out, Brick Farm Tavern in Hopewell, the Dinky, Nomad for pizza; Mediterra for the patio is nice weather, Mistral. Check out New Hope/Lambertville on the NJ/PA border, both very cute towns great for spending an afternoon walking around.

      1. Love Agricola

   4. Thomas Sweet for ice cream in Princeton! The straight up ice cream is pretty good, but the blend-ins (ice cream and toppings blended together so it all comes out mixed up and gelato-textured) are where it’s at.

   5. Grounds for Sculpture in Hamilton, and Rats Restaurant on the premises is great too!

   6. A little far but Avenue restaurant at Pier Village is great. Right on the beach.

5. Talk to me about deferred compensation please! I am in a new role and an being offered participation in a plan for the first time. Even after Googling and reading about these plans, I’m still not sure if it’s right for me. What are some things I should be considering in making my decision? Some plan details below

   – can defer base salary or bonus compensation (up to 50% and 75% respectively) but for first year only base salary
   – can choose installment or lump sum future payments
   – distribution payments in my current state will not have state tax withheld (i presume I need to accommodate for this?)
   – deferrals are irrevocable for the year, but can change year to year
   – always 100% vested

   Thanks!
   – no loans, but hardship withdrawals are permitted
   – lump sum or installment payments over 5 or 10 years
   – can specify investment over “deemed” investment crediting optiona

   1. Is there any employer matching? What type of deferred comp is this? Do you need to choose payout options now? I presume this is pretax, and that the plan is a qualified plan.

      1. OP here – Yes to pretax, but this is non-qualified. I did not see anything about matching for this program (we get a 6% match on 401k though).

         1. Similar situation and I decided no. It’s a great tool but after maxing my 403(b) I need my compensation now not later. I’m saving up to buy a house which I can’t do with deferred compensation funds. Great benefit option but not right for me.

            1. Thank you for sharing!

   2. I think only good if you plan to stay with that employer….I understand that the benefits are portable but think about it…if you go to new job, then you may have second set of comp increase/bonuses to deal with…..ok if you can get out of it whenever you want, otherwise this is extra complexity.

   3. It is a question for your accountant.

   4. This is a question for your accountant and/or financial planner. I set these plans up for a living and whether to use them is a personal decision.

      Some things worth flagging:
      – In general, the theory behind these plans is that the only thing better than paying no taxes is paying taxes later. The concept is that if you defer your compensation to be paid out in retirement, you will be in a lower tax bracket and minimize your taxes.
      – Once you pick your payment schedule, it is almost impossible to change it (although you can always take the money earlier if you are willing to pay an extra 20% in taxes). – “Hardship” is defined extremely narrowly under the tax code and only in rare circumstances will an employee meet the definition that actually allows a hardship withdrawal. It’s not simply “you lose your job” or something like that.
      – You need to be confident your employer is credit worthy. If your employer goes bankrupt and can’t meet the obligations, you will essentially be treated like a general creditor of the company.

      1. This is very helpful, thank you!

         I don’t have a financial planner or accountant, and don’t anticipate getting one just for this. It doesn’t sound like the right thing for me right now.

         Thanks all!

   5. This is your standard DC Plan. Most employees use it if they want to defer more money beyond the IRS limits in the 401(k) Plan. It’s too bad there is no match, as that is very common and another reason employees defer (our plan is 6% match).

      If you leave this employer you are eligible for a distribution but when that distribution happens will depend on what you elected; most employees elect a distribution at termination of employment, but there are other choices, which you will see on the enrollment site.

      Regarding the state tax issue, I don’t know how you would ‘accommodate for this’; you will be taxed on state tax, and all the other taxes, when you receive your distribution since it was taken out of your paycheck originally pre-tax.

      1. Thank you!!

      2. So cosign all of this. My financial advisor was basically like “getting money/paying taxes later is good” and we didn’t need those dollars right now, so we put them in DC and got a match. My plan pays out upon termination, so if I leave before retirement, I will have a payout & related tax consequences, but would try to roll that money over in a way that makes the most sense from a tax perspective.

         1. Just an FYI, you can’t roll over a distribution from a nonqualified deferred compensation plan. It is taxable upon receipt, no exceptions.

            1. yep, I posted below, that was my coworker’s experience.

   6. I worked for a big company that did a non qualified deferred comp plan. I didn’t participate because I was maxing out my 401k and had two kids in daycare and a mortgage in my VHCOL area, so I couldn’t afford to participate.

      My coworker I worked with every day contributed the max for several years. The company went through a very hard time in 2008 and it turned out those funds were not protected by any sort of guarantee like a 401k or a pension, and there was quite a bit of worry the participants were never going to get their money back. Ultimately I think they got all or most of it back, but as a lump sum during their working years, which was obviously taxed at the highest marginal tax rate. It was a cluster-f.

      My main advice to you is to make sure you understand how it works. Companies do go under – some of the companies that didn’t make it through 2008 were households names prior to that. The company I worked for restructured and still exists but barely, barely made it.

6. Recommendations for panty that stays up under sheath dress while walking miles at conference? Last time I attended my lightweight Soma thongs kept sliding down(yikes!). Not looking for shaping but want no lines and must stay up while walking under dress…any experience with Soma microfiber boy shorts? Other faves?

   1. I wear jockey skimmies over my underwear for this purpose.

      1. I like that idea and will look into it!

      2. OP here…I don’t think I want down to the knee shorts….I see they have a shorter version.

   2. Are you sure you’re in the right size? The only times I’ve dealt with underwear slippage was after weight loss or when a pair’s elastic is worn out.

      1. Seriously. This should not be a major issue.
         Soma vanishing.line, including boy shorts, have little elastic on the inside that should keep them up unless you are wearing the wrong size (by maybe two sizes).

      2. Agreed. New undies fitted to OP’s current shape, whatever that it, should solve the problem. I have Soma undies with silicone on the inside to help it stay put too.

      3. No, it’s a thing, even if it’s not in everybody’s experience. It depends on your body shape, and the friction from the dress. It’s just like skirts travelling around your body if you wear a crossbody bag that gives friction on one side.

         1. Yeah, this happens to me with undies and with tights and it’s very annoying! I once had a pair of too short tights just give up the ghost on me 2 miles from home. Ended up getting a hire bike so I could get home with my dignity.

   3. The Soma vanishing edge. Always and forever.

      1. Co-sign.

   4. Jockey no-panty-line-promise hip briefs. These come more to my natural waist than hip, and the “full” briefs are just too much material. Are comfortable and low cut in the leg and high cut enough in the waist to avoid lines under sheath dresses. No grippy stuff which I’m either allergic to or twists, or doesn’t stick. Elastic edges don’t roll up or slide down for me. I’m 5’5″, about 143 pounds and wear their size “6” (M?).

   5. “Blissful Benefits by Warner’s Women’s No Muffin Top Cotton Stretch Lace Hipster” (went and checked exactly what I ordered) usually work for me for some reason (even though they look like they would show lines).

      Aerie has some silky boy shorts that also work for me (maybe they are similar to the Soma ones you’re looking at?).

7. I just moved to a new community in a new city in a new State!! My experience in my last one wasn’t as great as I’d hoped for and I want to make sure this time I make friends, cultivate good relations with my neighbors and do everything possible to not feel so alienated as I did before. Please give me all your tips and advice! TIA!

   1. Do you have a dog? If not, get out in your front yard and nurture the h*ck out of it. People love a new neighbor who adds to the curb appeal and if you are in front (maybe install an outdoor chair or two) working and/or reading a book you can start meeting the dog people and the people pushing strollers. A good ‘hood is a good thing if it is social at all.

   2. Honestly it helps to settle down or move somewhere people are transient. Be friendly at work, get a dog, get married and have kids, reconnect with people from school or other people you know who are living where you are now. Making friends as an adult takes a lot of effort, and it’s hard to do in a place where people already have networks.

   3. Honestly it helps to settle down or move somewhere people move to and from often (major cities). Be friendly at work, get a dog, get married and have kids, reconnect with people from school or other people you know who are living where you are now. Making friends as an adult takes a lot of effort, and it’s hard to do in a place where people already have networks.

   4. What kind of community is it? We meet a lot of neighbors as they walk their dogs etc. Taking the few minutes to chat each time you see them builds a casual network that can grow into the kind of casual ‘pop over for a beer’ kind of friendships easily.

      1. I live in a neighbourhood with lots of older retired people, and I try and time my walks/my outside garden work at times when they tend to be around. I’ve also found volunteering really helpful – I can’t commit to a regular schedule, but I’ll go and pitch in for special events/when a call goes out for extra help. And I’m working on being a “regular” at a cafe, and at the library (it’s a good work space if I just need to focus – big desk, slow internet)

   5. Make a list of things you like to do or that you’d like to try and explore. Community takes time for don’t think you’ll do Pilates a few times and make a bestie. But I’d you love Pilates and go consistently gradually you’ll get to know people.

   6. This may depend on abs, but Facebook groups! My town consists mostly of 20-40 year olds looking to make friends and I met a lot of people through Facebook groups and meet ups, even dating apps if you’re single! Bumble even has a BFF side and I’ve met a few people that way!

   7. Pick places to go consistently. Find a coffee shop, bar, restaurant, park, bookstore, gym, theatre, whatever and go there consistently. (You might need to try a few but then pick a few spots.) Be open to going out by yourself abd talking to strangers. Talk to ypur neighbors and invite them for an evening snack or drink. If you are in a bigger town/city, try Meetup and Bumble BFF.

   8. My friends just bought a house and have intentionally introduced themselves to all their neighbors. They are now pre-friends with the people next door.

8. Advice on how to break it to your kids that you’re moving and handling the transition? Going to move over the summer to about 25 miles away due to job change. Daughter1 is in 4th grade, has lots of close friendships and really tied in to our community, Daughter2 is 1st grade, has fewer close friends but doesn’t deal well with change.

   1. I’d use bribery in this situation – YMMV but a princess bed would probably help with my girls.

   2. Make sure that you communicate with them about it. My parents move us all over the place in middle school/high school (two different MS, three different HS – three different states) and it was rough every time. To compound it, they would only give us like two weeks notice.

      I would look into extra curriculars in your old town for the weekends so that your older daughter can stay in touch with their friends until she makes new ones.

   3. Can you do summer camps in the new area so they start to make friends there? 25 miles seems not very far to me, but I was traumatized by moving from MD to FL when I was 9. You’re going to be close enough to go see friends often if you want to. Don’t get rid of stuff without talking to them about it when packing/moving, especially the older daughter. Resist the urge to purge a lot; they may be comforted by their old stuff.

   4. IMHO moving is like one-third missing your old stuff and two-thirds feeling awkward trying to work your way into established friendship groups and classrooms. These are not bad ages to move – you’re not quite to the extra-tricky mean girl tween years for the older!

      When i moved as a kid, my parents just sat me and my siblings down at the kitchen table and broke the news, then let us go do whatever we wanted to process. I remember being granted permission to call my BFF for 15 mins on Sundays — the days of long distance phone bills lol!

   5. For the younger one, there are some great kids’ books on moving. For the 4th grader in particular (but really for both): be upfront about the move, highlight cool stuff in the area, and let her be mad/sad about it while you just listen. Don’t “correct” her every time she indicates she’s anxious or later, when she says misses the old place. Basically, let her grieve a bit and schedule a time on the calendar to bring her back to visit her old friends. She’ll make new friends and settle in, particularly if she can start up again with her favorite martial arts class/soccer team/music lessons or whatever else she might do.

      1. Also, I’d reach out to the BFF friend group’s parents and try to line up some visits / sleepovers before and after. I moved a ton as a kid, including a 25-mile move in high school and I’m still friends with my first friend group due to much parental support to ferry kids over school breaks, etc. We went our separate ways for college, but it was so good, in a way, to have friends who were removed from my daily drama that seems to come in the teen years.

   6. Is there any way you can stay in your current location? Moving can be really hard for some kids and 25 miles doesn’t seem like it’s worth uprooting their lives over. Can you commute or work remotely some days?

      1. 25 miles is not nothing, and it sounds like the decision has been made. You probably didn’t intend for it to land this way, but it’s really guilt-trippy.

         1. Yep. 100% sure the OP went through all the options for herself and the family before making the decision to move. Commuting 25 miles each way, even if it’s a couple of days a week, is rough and not something I’d want to do; it would definitely affect family life and the ability to be available if a kid gets sick and needs to get picked up from school, getting back and forth to school and practices/activities, etc. She’d be putting a lot of burden on her spouse (or the kids’ caregiver) who is in the same town as the kids to do transportation and handle last-minute emergencies.

            My family moved cities when I was six, from the town where we’d lived near my grandparents and aunts and uncles (and it was more like 250 miles, not 25). I survived and still had a relationship with my relatives. I also made new friends, some of whom I’m still friends with. OP’s kids will be fine. Suggesting otherwise is gross.

            1. agreed. My parents moved at a time that didn’t make sense for me, I had to go to a new elementary school for only 1 year, and didn’t form any lasting friendships there, before we all switched schools again. That year in school was pretty much not so great, but in hindsight, not that big of a deal either.
               Moving is a fact of life for many families. Putting such a big decision on hold because not introducing change into the kids’ lives trumps the parents reasons for moving, is not where I would land. Kids are very adaptable, and can cope with challenges, as long as they are safe, and loved, and provided for. (warning: armchair psychological insight ahead, based on only my personal subjective experience, lol) I feel like this approach enabled my parents to keep their own identity beyond being a mom and dad, cope very well with the kids leaving the nest, and ultimately contributes to them viewing my sibling and me as responsible adults and not try to get up in our business now that we are grown up.

      2. I’d say only do this if you are able to commit that you will not want to move at some point in the future. Don’t wait at this age – it’s so much easier to move in elementary school than at any point in the future. Especially middle school.

         1. This exactly. The move is easier at this age. Let’s also not forget that a 25 mile commute can be anything from 25 minutes to 2 hours, depending on where they are living. I’m picturing a change from, say, southern New Hampshire to the 128 corridor in Boston, with access to a Commuter Rail, with the idea of getting the kids into a great school system and making the town their forever home. It might be “only” 25 miles but is a game-changer in terms of commute, schools, and job opportunities.

      3. I agree with this when a kid is in high school. Big moves in elementary school can be tough transitions, but the kids adapt well.

   7. We moved 300 miles when our kids were those ages. They both cried when we told them and were understandably nervous. There were many conversations, and we emphasized that we were bringing everything with us except our friends.

      Counterintuitively, moving mid-school year worked great for them. All kids are nervous and a bit confused at the beginning of the school year. When my kids transitioned into their respective classes, the other kids already had their own routines down. So my kids were novel, and their classmates were thrilled to help and make new friends.

      It has been almost four years, and the move has been more successful for all four of us than I ever would have imagined. They even say that unprompted themselves. So I think you are getting this move in under the wire (before middle school), and focus on all the positive things this move will mean for your family.

      1. +1 on moving midyear. I was a huge skeptic, but my husband did All The Research and found a general consensus that this is the best timing for elementary age kids, as they can develop friendships and meet kids in their class, rather than moving in the summer when kids are more scattered.

   8. I moved a lot as a kid and it definitely got harder as time went on (different schools, sometimes states, for K, 2, 3, 4, 7, 9, 10, 11th grades). Can echo other commentors that the easiest time to move is very young, or when there is a natural new school anyway (for example, for middle school). If you can keep your daughters in occasional activities with their original friends that is good, but there is also a ‘you need to just jump in the pool’ aspect to moving where basically you make new friends because you have to, and it’s even more miserable to only have your old friends while full-time in a new place. So I would be careful to not use it as a crutch during the first 6 months. What was helpful for me is to have choice and preparation – for example, being part of finding a new house, seeing the inside of the new school before I started, meeting a person or two from the class before I started. Also was nice is every time we moved I got to redecorate my room and get new school supplies.
      Moving IS hard for kids but it also builds resilience and social skills

   9. Research things about the new community your kids would be excited about. Did it matter to my life that the town that we moved to had an American Girl doll on display in the library – not one bit. Was that something that my 1st grade brain was obsessed with and excited for – ABSOLUTELY.

   10. Be prepared to spend your weekends driving back to your current town to allow the 4th grader to have playdates with her friends. I moved at that same age, a shorter distance but different state/school district, and I am so grateful that my parents went out of their way to allow me to keep up those friendships. (And since it was shorter, they had me stay in the same Girl Scout troop/on the same soccer team, although that doesn’t sound like it would be an option here.) They also coordinated so that I went to the same sleep away camp with the old friend group. Eventually most of those friendships naturally dissipated as I made new friends, but it was really important for me to not be cut off from my close friends as I had to navigate being the awkward new kid at the new school. (FWIW, the transition was much easier for my younger sibling who is your D2’s age.)

   11. Well I don’t recommend my parents’ approach, which was to pick me up on the last day of grade 4 in a moving truck and drive to the other side of the country with no prior notice.

       It was… not the only time they did that either. And now they’re upset I won’t uproot my life and move to be closer to them in their newest home (having gone back to the other coast 10 years later), sigh.

       Your kids will be fine. You sound like a good and conscientious parent and I think that’s what counts most of the time!

   12. I moved a lot as a child (never spent more than 2 years in the same place until high school. Our moves were always much farther so staying in touch was hard but it helps to try and should be easier when it is 25 miles and not 1000. Those friendships might die a natural death but it will be less abrupt. Be prepared for the older daughter to ask why you have to move since you are not going that far (I am not suggesting you are wrong or that it is up for debate! Just that she might ask and a simple response that includes best for us as a family should be handy.)

       For some kids it is not a big of a deal. For some it is horrible. (I was the first; my sister was these second;) They might be angry and I suggest letting them unless it shades into disrespect. Children are resilient and they will probably get over it at this age. Frankly there is not much you can do to make it easier except offering a way to stay in touch with old friends while they make new ones. To answer your specific question, sit them down and tell them sooner rather than later so they have time to adjust to the idea; involve them in the selection of a new place to the extent that it is practical; redecorating (or even picking paint colors) helps. With only 25 miles it is going to be hard to “sell” the new location (a promised trip to Disney did wonders for our move to Southern California) but if you can find something that helps too.

   13. Perspective from someone that moved at that the older daughters age (and then a few times after that) – put her in activities in the new area over the summer. It is so much better to start school knowing a few people rather than no people. Depending on your faith / area, vacation bible school not a bad idea (especially if you are in the South) to get to know a good cross section of kids from the area, same with taking them to the community pool if you are in an HOA. Also, flat out brides – you can do expensive activity (e.g., horseback riding) this summer (… compromise from my demand for a horse). The hardest part is just dealing with the isolation of the summer you have to play with your sister.

   14. OP here. Thank you all! You’ve given me good points to think about. We are going to move in beginning of Aug, so kids will go to their familiar day camp. The timing is governed by our closing date which is of course dictated by the seller of our new house. We are moving because DH’s new job is over an hour car commute from our current home and the 2-3 hr per day commute is not easy on the family. I’ll be commuting 1-3 days per week by train to old home town. Our big quandary now is when to tell the kids. Maximize mental preparation while minimizing mental anguish.

       1. Might be worth looking beyond the familiar day camp to one in the new area since timing until school start is so short. Maybe see if there are some activities you guys can do in new area as a family as well—having some fun experiences like 4th of July fireworks in new town or the like might give it a good impression (the fun place) before they have an opportunity to be nervous about friend making.

9. Charleston recs needed! We will be staying somewhere south of broad, which I think means that there is much walkable but IDK what it is. Going for a long weekend with two teens, so I want to walk through the College of Charleston and the Citadel, which I think is do-able. But what are good casual eats restaurants for parents / teens who are often ambling about a city and not into a reservation / white tablecloth situation? Their palate is burgers, spaghetti, roast chicken, so 99% of the awesome restaurant recommendations are not our scene for this trip. Thanks!

   1. Callie’s Hot Little Biscuit!

   2. The Glass Onion would be great for this. We also did a really well done escape room that was just a couple of miles from the restaurant.

   3. California Dreaming. Nice views too.

   4. Likely not walkable but if you are interested in BBQ, I like Lewis BBQ. Super casual order at the counter sit at picnic tables outside type of place but the food is great.

10. If you want to get into programming and just have a work-issued chromebook, what should you buy for at-home learning (books and some youtube tutorials)? Your own chromebook or would an apple (like a macbook) be better? I confess that I understand a lot but I have never shopped for a personal computer before (I either was dictated what I needed by undergrad or was given something from work (and just bought the same 7 years ago for “home” but I think that one is on its last legs with battery life and not enough memory).

    1. Your computer doesn’t matter as long as you can connect to the internet. All the educational sites have their own cloud-based IDE. The only time my 6 year old Windows laptop struggles (I’m most of the way through a degree in CS) is when I’m deploying multiple virtual machines for a network admin class and that’s only because what I’m doing is a bit of a memory hog.

       1. Get the computer you’re already familiar with. Figuring out how to get all the peripheral stuff to work so my code can actually run is probably the biggest PITA I encounter on a regular basis. If you’re not already familiar with Macs, don’t get one, because you’ll have to learn all its quirks on top of the stuff you want to learn.

    2. Not a chrome book. It depends on what language you’re learning to code.
       For mobile apps I found my MacBook to be ideal and for everything else I’ve used either that or various windows laptops. Until you get specialised or advanced, your system requirements will probably not be super expensive or special.

    3. And for learning, I highly recommend Udacity or Udemy – look for instructors with lots of good reviews and high ratings, and lots of recent updates to their materials. It can be frustrating working with a newer version of something (an IDE or even just things like GitHub functionality) that doesn’t work the same way as the older version in an instructional video.

11. I know this has been asked, but do folks know what the sizing for mm lafleur jardigans is like? Comments on their website make it seem like it runs small?

    1. Yes! I normally wear a medium in tops and had to get a large jardigan.

    2. They do run small. I take an 8 in most brands for jackets and I needed a L in the jardigan so that it would comfortably fit over another layer.

    3. Run Super smal and fabric feels synthetic

       1. +1, the worst jardigan ever.

          1. Oh interesting! I can’t even really afford mm anyway. Any suggestions for better jardigans?

             1. Not sure it counts but I love the J.Crew Juliette.

    4. i agree they run small but i took my regular size and only wear a shell underneath it. also, I bought my most recent one in the pre-owned section of the MMLF website so i saved a few bones.

12. I’m watching Inventing Anna and absolutely drooling over the wardrobe. After two years of not dressing up, I want to level up. I’m over the brands that are supposed to be nicer but have quality or construction issues, like MMLaFleur and Of Mercer. I’m also short and curvy and don’t fit well into brands like Theory. Where should I start?

    1. Oooh — I didn’t know that this was a clothes-watching show. I’m going to have to watch it now.

       IDK re clothes. BR Factory and JCrew Factory have been my go-tos lately for clothing my COVID +15 body, but The Fold seems to taunt me with a new catalog every month. Their stuff is pretty but I think it is too executive for how my office dresses now (also unlikee to fit me since I’m a pear).

       1. BR Factory and JCrew Factory are not going to be nicer or avoid construction/quality issues.

          1. Except that they are doing miles better. Unexpected, but I’ll take it.

    2. Hobbs or Basler? Both are at Bloomingdales.

    3. I know you got some negative comments on BR Factory, but I’ve been really impressed with Banana Republic lately.

       1. Same here. I bought a pair of the wide leg wool pants and the quality is so much higher than before.

13. I have been struggling, in an almost spiritual way, with juggling work and parenthood in an area where many women in my zip code and at my kids’ schools and activities don’t work and often seem to totally not get what working is like with kids. Do I fly beneath the radar? Do I fly the flag (very obvious back in the days when we wore suits to work and everyone else was in lululemon)? How do I do so much and yet women with no job are chronically demanding that others help with the book fair or needing paid help? None of this is helpful, but it’s just such a think in a way that having a teacher mom never prepared me for.

    Then I read “Sons of Martha” by Rudyard Kipling (so it is a million years old and also about men) and felt like I had found my people. If you are dealing with this, too, maybe this would be an interesting lunch read for you.

    1. I’m guilty of thinking like this too but it’s really unproductive: “ How do I do so much and yet women with no job are chronically demanding that others help with the book fair or needing paid help?”

       Being a stay at home mom is a job. They are allowed to ask for help. I am allowed to say no with zero guilt.

       1. Absolutely! My situation is complicated (by me!) by living next to someone who is just such a taker and always asking for favors for everyone when I can’t watch for her kid to get on the bus so she can go on a run b/c I have a job to get to? Like I could do it from home, but after 2 years of WFH I need to leave the house to not lose my mind. I get that she has a marathon to train for. But my life is a marathon when it isn’t a sprint. Can your “house manager” not work something out with you? Could you not run half an hour later when kid is at school? Why is this in my headspace? And her grocery delivery driver hit my car. So yes, I’m salty.

          1. She sounds annoying and overprivileged AF, but this is not personal.

          2. Yeah, she’s not your problem. Sounds like she’s an “asker” – just say “not today” repeatedly, and maybe eventually say “oh, I wish i could help but now that I’m back in the office we have a really tight schedule.”

             1. I get being nice but this is really asking for an “OMFG I cannot believe that you would ask that.”

             2. Right, this isn’t a universal SAHM problem, this is a this-particular-person problem.

                When my daughter was in the older elementary grades (4th? 5th?) a new girl moved to our area and joined the class mid-year. I told my daughter to be nice to her and I invited the girl for a Saturday play date. Next thing I know the mom is asking me for a play date every Saturday, and always at our house. I went along with it for a while, but then one day when she was picking up her daughter she mentioned that she was actually taking clients on Saturdays (some sort of freelance body work, reiki maybe) and that she “just knew the universe would find childcare” for them. So basically, we were doing free childcare without being asked.

                I told her our upcoming Saturdays were mostly booked with my daughter’s sport activities (which was about 50% true) and she would need to make other arrangement and not rely on play dates at our house.

                She was awful. And my poor daughter was being a good sport but eventually told me she didn’t like the new girl because every time she came over, they could only do what new girl wanted and never what my daughter wanted.

                But this terrible mom did not represent all SAHMs. She was just a user. And so is OP’s neighbor.

       2. My feeling about this was not very charitable, but I felt it was logical. Every woman I know who quit working to stay home after she had kids said she was doing it to “be there for the kids” and “be able to help out at their school.” Great! So, you can be there for your kids and you can help out at the school. I am working to pay taxes so that we have social supports in place, everything from schools and roads to Social Security and Medicare, that benefit the non-working moms. That’s what I do. That’s my contribution. I’m happy to bring pizza to school or help out with the science fair if I can fit that into my income-producing, taxpaying job. I’m happy to donate a nice check to every school fundraiser. Otherwise the SAHMs can do what they said they quit working to do, and handle the volunteer stuff themselves. I absolutely think it’s a shame that schools are so underfunded/understaffed in some areas that they need to rely on volunteer labor to operate. However, I also saw the PTA at my son’s school engage in unnecessary foolishness that no one really cared about, i.e., elaborately decorating the school hallways for every conceivable holiday. Nothing that really had to do with the childrens’ educational needs.

          As others are saying, no is a complete sentence and OP can decide for herself what level of involvement she’s comfortable with. I donated time where I could and we also wrote some big (for us) checks from time to time. My son had a healthy and active social life and then he got out of that school and into high school and the burdens lifted considerably. This too shall pass, as do all things, and all mamas get to decide how much they want school requests (and politics) affect their lives.

          1. +1000

    2. I also live in a town like this. What I did is: SAY NO. And SAY NO again. And eventually about 4 years later I just delete the requests (if it goes out to all parents in the class, for example) without feeling guilty at all. It does take some work on your part, but you’ll get there! :)

    3. Opt out and don’t worry about it. I made my peace with this by just never volunteering for the book fair. Or anything else, for that matter. The only way I make time for exercise, hobbies, QT with kids, and QT with spouse is to preserve some free time after work. I drew the line at going to PTA meetings, volunteering, etc. I would love to, but I just can’t and feel like I have a balanced handle on life. My mom was a single parent with a low income–she couldn’t go to this stuff and I turned out fine.

       Not to rag on the parents who run the book fair and fundraise and do the PTA–I’m very very thankful for them. It IS a lot of work, often thankless, and makes a difference in our school culture. But the SAHPs have a bit more time to fit in grocery shopping, exercise, hobbies, and volunteering while I’m at the office. I will happily throw money at efforts if that’s an option.

    4. I fly under the radar, but it wasn’t a conscious choice to do so. I’m not at school pickup so it’s like I don’t even exist. Sometimes I’m in work clothes when I take my kid to practice, but not always. If I have time to change, I’m not staying in work clothes a second longer than I have to.

       I can’t tell from your post whether you want to be involved but aren’t, or if you’re annoyed by what you perceive to be expectations. My advice for you would change depending on what you’re hoping for. I would not let yourself feel pressured into helping in ways you don’t want. In general, those are not personal requests; they’re just trying to find a warm body.

       But I feel you. In my closest friend group, I’m the only one who works full-time outside the house. The other moms work either very part-time or have a school day schedule. I feel like an outsider sometimes. But I’m also really proud of what I’m doing and thankfully have other friends that I can commiserate with about the hard parts of being a working parent.

    5. I took 2 years off from being an attorney to care for my daughter. It was only intended to be a few months but ended up being 2 years thanks to the pandemic and long processing time for my current job. I got an insight into being a SAHM that I never would have. Honestly, for me, life is easier in a lot of ways with a full time job. When I was caring for my daughter full time I never had a single moment child-free to take care of myself, take a deep breath, think calmly about something unrelated to the immediate needs of my child. It was overwhelming a lot of the time. Granted, I have never been a SAHM with school-aged children (and thus maybe some time to myself if all kids are in school), but these moms absolutely should not be judged for asking for help.

       That being said, I am quite sad that I probably won’t be able to help as much with field trips, book fairs, etc. when my kids are in school since I do have a full time job. I really wish a part-time schedule was more common for this reason. I’d love to work 30 hours a week and have a little more time to do kid-stuff without giving up my career.

       1. It is vastly different to be a SAHM to an infant or toddler than a elementary school aged child. I would be a horrible SAHM to a toddler but a great one to a elementary school child. The amount of work is so different when your kid is gone for 6 hours a day at school

    6. Come hang out on the moms page, we talk about this kind of stuff constantly. For my .02 – I fight on the things that are important and relatively easily fixed – our PTA meetings now have a zoom link so I can (and do) attend, if they ever switch back to in-person only I will be speaking up, loudly, about it. PTA meetings all have both day time and night time slots, and concert are mostly in the afternoon for working parents. For school fundraisers/classroom parties I sign up early for the easy stuff that can be ordered online and opt out of the in person busy-work. I’ll help out in my kid’s classroom (in the before times) once or twice a year, show up to the concerts and recitals (also 2-3x/year) and always go to the teacher meetings. Otherwise I opt out without guilt.
       And ‘no’ is a complete sentence – ‘can you watch my kid so I can get a run in? no, I can’t’.

    7. I just don’t do those things. It really doesn’t harm me or my kid in any way, shape or form. I don’t even think about it.

       I also think that women asking for people to accommodate their needs in any way is deemed unacceptable and offensive, and you painting SAHMs as jobless women demanding help is helping that along. A woman needing help is not a bad thing.

       I have many friends who are SAHMs and it is not an easy job.

       1. I think it all depends on the kids’ age. But also, I can get sacked from my job. I could easily manage to get another job where I can’t afford the loans I took out, pre-kid, to get this sort of job. I could also get divorced. But divorce has some financial protections (property settlement, child support, alimony) that you don’t get when you are sacked at work. That sort of anxiety, through a pandemic and when your kids are always (it seems) sick, is real and palpable and when people say that “SAHM is a job,” it’s in a way that is not seeing what real and additional stress working brings with it. There is no 360 degree review of mom (until therapy) when mom is put on a PIP. Because we have all of the kid-minding stresses as well (especially over the last 2 years), but with an overlay of job. I think that when people say SAHM is not an easy job, it would be nice to also see “and then you go to work on top of your parent job.”

          1. Eh, different stressors. If I get fired, I can find another job since my job history is great. A woman who was a SAHM for ten years, and it turns out her husband blew through all their money and left her? She is vulnerable in a way that I will never be.

             I think the parent job + other job stressor thing is true for all of us the last two years and for low-income working mothers generally. But in my normal life, I think my life is easier than a SAHM with small children. Even when I am doing my home administrative work (scheduling doctors appointments, ordering groceries, scheduling the cleaners), I do it from an office filled with hot coffee and sparkling water, and adults who are all managing their bodily functions without my assistance. Very different than being responsible for all of it while kids are hanging onto me, while cooking dinner, keeping a house clean.

             1. The risks of becoming dependent on a man for money are well-known and have been well-known for some time – my great-grandmother had a friend whose husband ran out on her in the early 1900s and she had to start a boardinghouse for income as a result. SAHMs live with risk but they also have agency over their own decisions, as we all do. Choosing to become dependent on another person for money is, in fact, a choice. To use modern hip-hop parlance, we are all responsible for securing our own bag. Women who choose to stay home without securing their own bag – via a prenup, post-nup, insisting money be put into accounts in their name only, etc. need to own that decision.

             2. Re: your last sentence – do working moms not have to cook dinner and keep their houses clean? I think you’ll find that we do. Plus a full time outside-the-home job. /shrug.

             3. Sure we have to cook dinner and keep the house clean– and it’s tough! But logically you know that working moms do less home/childcare than SAHMs–that’s why we pay $$$ for child care. It’s a lot of work (and our house doesn’t get destroyed by the kids for 8+hours of each day)! I’m disappointed to see the apparent condescension to SAHMs on this board from other moms. Two of my best friends are SAHMs and they work so hard providing all the care and enrichment to their kids that my kids receive during the day from daycare. I admit before I had kids I thought being a SAHM would be easy, but once I had kids of my own I saw how wrong I was to think that.

          2. I agree with No Face that SAHMs are extremely vulnerable to losing their lifestyle, I’ve seen it many many times now that I’m 57 and over the little kid hump. 75% of it was husband leaving for another woman.

    8. Ha, yeah, this is me too (I work, most women around me don’t or are in flexible careers like realtor or interior design). Those few who do post working mother memes and confessionals on social media all the time. I’m not that type, so I feel like I’m almost flying under the radar because I’m not publicly sharing my struggles? Not trying to flex that way? I don’t know – that’s one area where I feel weird about it. It’s also interesting because we have four kids – for the younger ones I actually end up volunteering maybe more but to coordinate things since I know the drill now. For the older ones I’ve just been grateful for those (including the SAHMs!) who have taken me under the wing and helped me learn the drill.

       Def going to look this up! But for your situation I’d also try to learn about roles where it’s easy to volunteer as a working parent (if that’s what you’re looking for). For example, I’m actually my oldest’s room parent this year. All it is is communications and emailing. The room parent last year was a SAHM who played tennis a lot and was not on her computer all day and it was significantly more burdensome for her. For me, sending out a group email every once in a while as I sip my coffee after arriving at work is pretty easy and I get lots of credit for it!

    9. I am a FT working mom in BigLaw so I feel like a freak everywhere. Few women stay working here long enough to have a kid even enter kindergarten. Fewer women seem to work every year, so I feel like an outsider at kid activities I go to. I want to be treated with the respect that husbands with baller jobs get not dismissed as working being some pet project I’ll get over soon enough. I want kid activities not to be at 2 or 3 or 4 only but also at 5 or 6 or on weekends. I’d gladly pay double but I can’t take off an afternoon so my kid can take ballet because then the other will want it for soccer and with the orthodontist, etc., etc. I will lose my d*mn mind. I work, but I’m still a person. Like Shylock said, if you prick me, I bleed. I want to be treated like a person every place that I am and not treated as a weird outsider any place that I am.

       1. “I want to be treated with the respect that husbands with baller jobs get not dismissed as working being some pet project I’ll get over soon enough.”

          PREACH.

          1. +1

          2. Omg my experience to a tee.

       2. i am a PT working mom and I just have to say when I meet moms with Big jobs, I am in total awe and honestly sometimes feel like a failure that I didn’t use my two ivy league degrees to achieve what you’ve achieved. Just so you know, at least from me, you get more respect than the husbands in big jobs. And at least where I live, there are activities available at 5, 6 and on weekends.

    10. For what it’s worth, my school’s PTA specifically sought out working parent members a few years back and it shows. No more 11 a.m. meetings! Excellent, well-attended and affordable before and after school care (and a summer-long, 630 am to 6 pm program run by the district!) Seek volunteers for school-day field trips with enough advance notice for working parents to make scheduling adjustments to attend! I realize it’s an enormous privilege but I really haven’t had to struggle with the transition from daycare to school-aged care that so many of my peers in other districts have.

    11. Ugh the mommy wars. This has been going on forever and it’s not going to end with you.

        I wasn’t involved at all with school activities or the PTA. My husband and I did a division of labor thing and he took that on. So even though my husband showed up at every single PTA meeting, representing us as a family, and got fawned over by all the SAHMs “omg such an involved father!” I still got shit from the other moms for not attending myself. I made quiches for every monthly teacher appreciation lunch (and almost never got my pie plates back, another story), I arranged weekend play dates and coordinated summer camps so that our kids could be with their friends, and participated in the carpools for those. I did stuff, it wasn’t nothing, but since I wasn’t hanging out at 2:30pm to pick up my kids every day I wasn’t one of them.

        Anyway, the SAHMs are often bitchy to working moms because they feel the working moms look down on them, and your post does contain a lot of that, so I’d think about your attitude. But I would also just accept that you’re never going to be part of their clique and that’s fine.

        My kids are in college now and I’m still not friends with the SAHM crew, and I’m fine. My life is fine. I missed out on nothing.

        1. This is my current source of anxiety (plus whether my son will get a spot in aftercare). The moms at the preschool dropoff seem to all know each other, and I travel 1/3 of the time? We live in a village which is the right choice for lots of reasons but I do worry that I’ll have trouble making friends or my son will have trouble b/c he’s got two full-time working parents with no local family, and that doesn’t seem to be the norm in our area.
           I’m an academic and everyone keeps asking me if I have summers off? Nope, my job is only 30% teaching max, I’m paid all year round, work all year round.

           1. If I can repeat myself, you are really not missing anything.

    12. I worked full-time in law throughout my kids’ lives, but I was pretty involved at their school, too. To me, the most important things to show up for and volunteer for were things where I got to be with my kids and their friends. So I didn’t volunteer much for the book fair, but volunteered for classroom parties. I also had one big school-based extracurricular that I was involved with for years (think: scouting) and everyone knew I was doing my part. I wouldn’t trade being involved at their school (but within those limits) for anything.

    13. I live in a town where most of the moms don’t work outside the home or have very, very flexible jobs. To be frank, I think these moms pity me since my husband is a lawyer yet I *still* have to go out to work (they don’t know who earns more). I definitely go through periods of feeling like a total freak. If I was a man who had my job and was as involved as I am with PTA/Volunteering at school/Girl Scouts, I’d probably win North American Father of the Year 2022. For the most part, I just decline, ignore, and give money when I feel like it.

        One thing that helped me a lot is declining most things that involve planning events and meetings in general. I am not going to spend an hour deciding on napkins or email blast scheduling when I could be watching Borgen on my couch. And you just can’t win with these people – some of the mommies wrinkle their noses that I volunteer at the copy room or want to sweep the floor at the cleanup day.

        1. Preach! I will gladly volunteer to do the grunt work or really anything that can be done in the background during the day of an event. Anything that involves planning meetings and committees, hell to the no. I get enough of that at work; I have zero desire to do that in my limited time off.

           I also prioritize the things that are actually going to let me spend time with my kid, like being a field trip chaperone.

           1. I’ve definitely done that and loved it. It’s so fun to get to know their friends too. My youngest had a little friend who was always so shy and quiet until we sat next to one another on a field trip and she was an absolutely delightful chatterbox. Now that my kids are older, they do NOT want me showing up at school, but it’s nice to do low-key things so I can spy a little bit.

14. I live in a climate that is hot and swampy in the summers (think NOLA), and I’m looking for some suggestions on jorts/shorts for summer. Think things I can wear with a tee or tank, with Birkenstocks or Tevas while looking pulled together and not frumpy.

    I’m 38, oval, no torso, thick waist, and my style runs feminine/bold/cool Mom.

    I have a good capsule of summery dresses (e.g. Bridgerton/Nap Dresses DH detests and I adore), I’m fine with things on the shorter end of the spectrum within reason. My jean shorts from last summer when I was freshly postpartum are now a bit large on me and make me look thicker around the thighs/butt than I actually am – usually I wouldn’t mind that but trying to minimize my midsection so want to highlight what I can! TIA!

    1. Athleta Cabo Linen shorts are my jam.

       1. I have 4 pairs of these and live in New Orleans, so they are exactly what you need.

    2. These might be sportier than what you’re after, but these are really comfy and lightweight: https://www.avalancheoutdoorsupply.com/collections/womens-bottoms/products/highland-short

    3. How about linen shorts? I just searched for them on Nordstrom and there are lots.

       I’m in head to toe linen any time it’s hot so I come at it with that bias.

    4. If you like bold shorts, Boden has some gorgeous linen ones. And also gorgeous cotton blouses that are just droolworthy. Never pay full price–everything goes on sale there.

15. Just went through a breakup a week ago and struggling to find fitting songs from any genre. Any suggestions for songs that basically say some version of, “I logically know I’m better off and maybe even dodged a bullet and sometimes I know that but sometimes I’m sad and sometimes I worry I’ll never find someone else but also my odds of finding someone better are better than yours because you suck but also I am a nice person who doesn’t like to think bad things about people even though you suck but I won’t say that you suck because I’m a nice person”?

    Everything I’m finding is either so sad or angry or vengeful or nostalgic and nothing seems to fit. Trying to heal and music usually helps but nothing is explaining the feelings of this part of this process and it’s frustrating.

    1. Breakin’ Up by Rilo Kiley is a favorite. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Hugs.

       1. +1 and ‘Does he Love you’ or ‘Portions for Foxes’ by Rilo Kiley, basically all of More Adventurous. Other favorite ones are ‘Your Ex-Lover is Dead’ by Stars, ‘Case of You’ or ‘Last Time I Saw Richard’ by Joni Mitchell.

    2. Write this song, please!

    3. Cher Believe is a classic; maybe Kacey Musgraves Follow Your Arrow?

    4. Rolling in the Deep

    5. This sounds like a job for Taylor Swift, frankly.

       1. Yes! I am obsessed with Renegade lately, I wish it had existed when I was getting played in college

       2. +1-We are Never Ever Getting Back Together

       3. I Knew You Were Trouble

       4. I love Taylor Swift but she is heavy into the ex-bashing; doesn’t sound like what OP is looking for. The only Taylor that might fit the bill is her more recent stuff like Folklore and Evermore where she has a more mature perspective on breakups.

       5. I think “Happiness” on evermore fits this bill pretty nicely. You weren’t nice, but we were happy, but I will be happy again now you’re gone.

    6. Better Man by Little Big Town. I generally hate country music, but this one is written by Taylor Swift and hits different, also great to sing along to at the top of your lungs on a car ride.

       1. +1 to Better Man.

          Also (not quite as on point but in the ballpark): Movin’ On (Muscadine Bloodline), A Little Bit Stronger (Sara Evans), Praying (Kesha)

    7. Bang Bang Bang by Christina Perri

    8. Maybe some of the melancholy Frank Sinatra ballads? Ella Fitzgerald?

       Or “Theese boots are made for walking”, if something upbeat could work.

    9. I’d lean into kickass women rockers. Heart and Chrissy Hynde come to mind.

    10. Better Man – Little Big Town (I think this is perfect)
        Yours & Mine – Lucy Dacus
        Tired of Talking – LEON
        the 1 – Taylor Swift

    11. A Bad Goodbye is a country duet by Clint Black and Wynonna Judd. A lovely song about knowing you have to break up even though you’re both good people.

    12. REM’s “Make It All Okay” (album is Around the Sun) is my go-to when I’m feeling like that, also Jenny Lewis’ “Just One of the Guys” (album is Voyager) might work.

    13. All the best, John Prine

    14. Kelly Clarkson – Stronger.

    15. Irreplaceable – Beyonce

    16. Home Free. “Love me like that” The lead tenor wrote it about his breakup with a woman he had been with for 5 years. It’s about how you can still love someone and know that they and you are better off apart.

    17. I am going the R&B route and want to suggest “I Used To Love Him (Now I Don’t) – Lauryn Hill feat. Mary JBlige

16. Anyone have experience with renewing a passport (by mail) these days? The website says 11 weeks, which is workable, but obviously I’d like it back faster – I can’t get my Global Entry renewed until I have both the old one and the new one back. It’s going with a name change, but I don’t know if that affects things. Thanks!

    1. Can you pay for expedited? It’s not that much more and it comes back SO fast. I lost my passport so I had to apply in person, which I think is slower than renewing by mail. I paid for expedited and had my new passport in six business days.

    2. Did mine in the fall. Regular processing. No name change but had the new one back in about a month.

    3. Got ours recently within a month.

    4. Got mine in about a month (without name change). However, if you have any luck finding a Global Entry appointment in 2022 please come back here and let me know where! My paperwork has been processed but I cannot find an appointment basically anywhere in the Western US.

       1. If you have international travel plans, look into the “on arrival” program if available at your airport – you can just tack it on after customs.

          1. +1 you don’t need an appointment if you’re arriving off an international flight. That’s what we did.

       2. When I looked recently, if you could get to a Texas-Mexico border town, there were a ton of appointments.

          In January I had booked a DFW appointment in late March (the earliest I could get) and I was looking to see if there were other options if I wanted to move it. Those seemed to be the only ones in a multi-state area (I’m not in Texas).

    5. I sent my passport in for renewal AFTER I applied for Global Entry. It arrived in a few weeks…in time for the interview I had scheduled. This was back in October so YMMV.

    6. We just renewed the whole family, ours by mail and the kids in person as required. It took just over a month to get them back and we did NOT do expedited. I was pleasantly surprised!

    7. A family member had it take 4 months. This was last year. Her partner’s took far less time. We aren’t sure what happened, but I would be inclined to expedite just in case.

       1. Yeah, the less time I’m without a passport the better. The expedited fees are fairly small compared to the renewal fees.

17. After spending all of last summer trying to find sandals and summer clothes I liked and missing the opportunity to wear them in the sunshine, I took the first blast of sunshine this spring as an opportunity to buy metallic Superga sneakers and a pair of brown side fisherman sandals (a style I loved last summer but couldn’t find). And now we have snow forecast this week. Thanks, weather, for punishing my optimism!

    1. Ha! I never every buy clothing, and bought my first pair of jeans in ten years a few months ago. Then immediately got pregnant.

       1. Congratulations;-)

18. So I’m reading some signals in my job that are making me nervous, but I need a gut-check from folks here as this is my first foray back working for a market-based company after many years working for tiny businesses, a nonprofit, and then defense contractor that was basically run like a governmental agency.

    I got the job back in late 2020 and was told when I joined the company that we were privately owned, and that at some point in the future, there would be an ownership transition as the current owners would be looking to recoup their investment and would sell my company off to another ownership group for a higher price than they paid. I was told back in 2020 this was “2-3 years away.” In fact, it happened at the end of 2021. We were told that our new owners were really not that interested in how we ran the business, would be hands-off and let us do our thing, etc. Except it doesn’t seem to be working out that way – since the ownership change, all of our executives seem to be very stressed and those of us in management below the executive level are seeing projects and requests for staff additions get canceled with no explanation, and also odd requests for data at the drop of a hat. My department had our goals for the year approved, and then they got yanked back and completely revised to focus on several projects I had never even heard of until I read the goals, which were apparently created at the behest of the new owners. My boss has gotten increasingly short-tempered with me at least (don’t know how she is 1-1 with other people as in group meetings her tone is different) – when I ask about the status of these new projects that are in my goals that haven’t even been kicked off yet, she’ll answer impatiently, and then will send me emails asking for status reports on projects I’ve already emailed her updates on (as an example – sent her an update on a project last Thursday asking her a question that I need answered by her to continue with the project; this morning I got a request for a status update on that exact project, asking for the information I had already sent her. Like she hadn’t read her email from last week at all?) I honestly don’t think this is about me (although it could be) – she is in meetings 24/7 these days (calendar completely blocked for days at a time) and seems very, very stressed.

    I was in my last job for 4 years and the one before that for 4; before that I was a SAHM/part-time contractor for a couple of years, but have solid work history for the earlier parts of my career. So not super-worried if I get fired/laid off from the job. I am wondering if I’m reading the tea leaves correctly and should start looking around/applying for other jobs? I had a conversation with a coworker last week where she expressed some worry and said she had heard that our new owners don’t have a lot of faith in our executive leadership and there’s scuttlebutt about replacing most, if not all, of the executive team. Our executives are not the most competent people I’ve ever seen but I’ve seen worse, and they do know the business pretty well. I am not sure if I should leap out before there’s some kind of corporate bloodbath or if I’m overthinking things and just need to wait out this transitional period while the new owners get to know our company’s leadership and things settle a little. Any advice/from-my-experience stories are appreciated.

    1. Why not job search? Do it now when you aren’t desperate and don’t need to take whatever you can get.

    2. I’m not sure you should be immediately scared for your job security, but I think you should be concerned that the quality of your job will continue to fall. I’d look for that reason.

       I can’t tell exactly what level you’re at, but to me you don’t seem the most likely victim of a bloodbath. It doesn’t mean you want to stay, though.

       1. I’m a senior manager but currently only have one manager (and her team) reporting to me. I was supposed to get to hire another manager this year who would then hire at least one team member to report to them, but that got indefinitely pushed off and I am currently doing the work that person/their team member would be doing (which doesn’t really bother me as I like the work, but was not how the position was represented to me when I got hired). I report directly to an SVP, who reports to a C-suite executive.

       2. Yeah – I’ve been through two of these transitions, and you seem like you’re at the level LEAST likely to be the victim of a bloodbath. Senior enough that you know what’s going on (valuable for new leadership), but junior enough you’re not really leading the organization.

          That’s not to say you shouldn’t start looking – while you don’t seem likely to be fired, that doesn’t mean your job is going to be any fun for the next few years while this all gets sorted out.

    3. You’re in a workplace that is obviously unsettled, where just about anything could happen. What do you WANT to do? Do you want to ride it out, see what happens, and see who is left standing on the other end? Or would you prefer to leave now and not deal with the rough waters ahead? At different times in my life, I’d have had different answers, depending on how invested I was in the job, how much I cared/didn’t care about what happened at the company, and how much stress or leeway I had in the rest of my life.

       1. Good question. At this point, I think I want to ride it out. But I’m also saying that because much earlier in my career (like almost 20 years ago) I leapt out of a job in advance of widescale layoffs, into a job that was a nightmare and that I subsequently lost when that company went under entirely (like Chapter 7 bankruptcy, the sheriff literally came and put a padlock on the doors locking us out of our offices, etc.). I should have just stayed put where I was and gotten laid off, as I would have gotten a great severance package and almost everyone I knew who got laid off was subsequently re-hired by that company within a year of the layoffs. I have always felt stupid for jumping instead of waiting to be pushed out. My husband has a good income and we have savings, so if I do stay and get pushed out vs. jumping out of this job, we’d be okay for awhile. But another part of me is like, you dumba**, if you see the writing on the wall, leave from a position of strength while you have choices.

          A big part of this is that I hate job-hunting and interviewing and the thought of going through that all over again, after a mere 18 months in this new job, makes me want to lay down and close my eyes and pretend I am independently wealthy and don’t have to worry about this stuff. I know that’s not a good reason not to job-search.

          1. Layoffs don’t look the same that they did 20 years ago. I wouldn’t count on getting a golden layoff in this day and age, especially where you aren’t long tenured.

    4. This sounds like my former company. I left and it was a good decision; the CEO had a habit of replacing good (very smart, very skilled, very kind) senior leadership with his own picks. It does really change the dynamic of the company and pressure flows downwards: people get scared of looking bad so they demand too much from everyone in their department.

    5. Update your resume and take friends at other companies in your industry to coffee or lunch.

19. I bought this blazer in the lime green color and the fit was excellent. I really loved it! I ended up returning because it was expensive for a neon blazer and I wasn’t sure I could pull it off, but I think it’s a really great pick!

20. I think I am totally burnt out at work. 9+ years in the making working at the same firm, but it’s happened. Very demanding, transaction oriented, male/bro dominated “Big Finance”. This is a weird feeling, admitting that I’m at this point. I took so much pride in just fighting through all these years. My typical reaction is fight through it, it’ll get better. But, it won’t. Blame management, turnover, all things out of my control that are making a really hard job feel impossible on a good day. What’s a gal to do next? I’m a little at a loss. I’ve talked to some friends who are in the same industry but have moved on, informational/friendly type stuff. I feel like I need someone to just tell me what to do next, which I know won’t happen. Having not moved jobs in nearly a decade, this is all a lot to consider. No question the job market for me is strong – I’m getting pinged by recruiters constantly, which almost makes it harder because I theoretically have SO many options. Advice on the next 1, 2 or 3 next steps and/or on how to not just fall in to the trap of deciding “nah, it’ll get better”, which is where I seem to always come back to … but (shocker…) it doesn’t.

    1. It won’t get any better any time soon.
       I would recommend to clarify for yourself what are you looking for in a new role/company (job content, responsibilities, culture, finances) and start picking up the recruiter calls. Your options will open and your sense of control will return. Then you just pick the best-for-you offer and move on.

    2. Start job hunting.

       Brainstorm what you’d want your absolute ideal job right now to look like- down to the imaginary day to day. What work are you doing? Who are you working with? Physically where are you at? What are your hours? What is your salary? Etc etc etc. Dream big.

       Use that to create an actual written statement of what you want in a job. Prioritize/weigh things. Come up with deal breakers.

       Get your resume, references, interview outfit ready. Save anything from your current work laptop onto your private that you’ll want in the future (if you can legally have it).

       When you hear about jobs (recruiters, friends, job boards etc) compare them to your list. Get a sense of what’s actually feasible in your market and refine. If there’s an open job that’s hitting a bunch of your list (or possibly could), apply.

       Start actively searching (job boards, telling discreet colleagues etc), applying and interviewing.

    3. Do you have savings?

       Take time off and apply for other jobs. I know 4 people who took 6 months to 1 year off completely. They all found other jobs. I took an unpaid leave of absence, and now I’m returning this month. If my company denied my request for a leave of absence, I would have resigned.

    4. I’m pretty risk averse, so I’d not take the time off now, but ask for a longer period before I could start the next job. Something like 2 weeks notice then a couple of week’s break before starting.

21. Looking for advice on how to navigate being at a career crossroads. I’m a lawyer with experience in two very different practice areas. I spent a decade in practice “A” but last few years have in practice “B”. There is no job that combines A and B so I have to pick one over the other. There are things I like and dislike about each. How do I go about picking? Is this where a career coach would help?

    1. We need way more information to help out here. It depends on the pros and cons of each, your personality, where you are in life, and your goals. If you have three kids and an overworked husband, and the downside to A is the insane hours, choose B. If the downside to B is the crap pay and you’re the breadwinner, go with A. It also depends on your personality, because a lot of the downsides to jobs are about what you can and cannot handle.

    2. What are they? Lots of lawyers here can help with specific advice but details needed.

22. What is your outdoor set-up like? I want to be able to read comfortably, maybe work on a summer afternoon? And hang out there with my husband and son (likely wrapped in blankets because #Scotland). We have a nice dining set, but I keep thinking it could be a nicer space than it is.
    Our front garden is nicer than the back garden, with lush lawn, less practical stuff (water butt, compost bin, etc) but I want to make the back garden a more usable space.

    1. I used to have only dining type chairs outside and sat in them sometimes but they weren’t super comfortable to sit in for long periods of time.

       Then one year I just got sucked into a big sale at my local garden center and came home with four outdoor lounge chairs and a gas fire pit coffee table thing. I spend a huge amount of time outside since then. I can honestly say I’m outside more often than inside during daylight hours when I’m not working. However, I’m in Nor Cal so we have almost year round outdoor weather (December – January are not big outdoor months for me) so not sure how people deal with this in much colder climates. It rains here (not enough, sadly) but my chairs are under market Umbrellas so they get damp but not soaked.

       1. That sounds amazing. I’m from the East Bay so winters remain a shock, but I’ve made a commitment to spend an hour a day outside in all weather since the beginning of the year and my mental health has benefited so, so much!

          1. I didn’t know you were from the East Bay. I’m in Berkeley.

             1. Far East Bay, Brentwood. And undergrad on the other side of the tunnel from you.

             2. Oh yeah, we call anything on the other side of the tunnel the East East Bay!

                St. Mary’s I’m guessing, for undergrad.

             3. Got it in one. Spent 3 years in a gorgeous setting wondering wtf I was doing there as a non-Catholic, lower middle class kid…

    2. I started spending way more time outside when I added some Adirondack chairs. They are easier to wipe dry than our larger set that has cushions, and I find them really comfortable to sit in.

       1. This is so interesting that you find the Adirondack chairs really comfortable! because DH and I have two and we don’t find them particularly comfortable at all. I got two for the front porch last summer just so SOMETHING was on the porch, and we barely use them. DH is 6’6″ and I’m 5’6″, so different sizes and we’re still pretty meh about them.

          Do you think it matters that I have cheap hard plastic ones, not the wood ones? I got the plastic ones to try the shape out and just to get something out there…I’d spring for the wood ones but I don’t really see how the wood ones are going to be more comfortable if it’s the shape we don’t like?

          I actually really wish I liked sitting in them more because I’d love 4-6 of them around a fire pit in our back yard.

          1. Anon @ 12:48 above… the ones we have are “polywood” from Wayfair. They were about $200 each.
             Maybe you could try sitting on some at a patio or store to see if you like them.

    3. I am finally in a house with a yard for the first time in about 5 years (Bay Area) and my back yard is mostly lawn, with some raised beds around the edge. I got a double wide swing chair that I can sit in for hours. I tucked it into a corner of the yard so it doesn’t get hit by the lawn sprinklers (I would love to take out the lawn eventually, but I rent and have no say in the matter!) I have a small corner sectional on my patio at the front of the house if I want to stretch out or sit with the dogs or my partner. I’m not sure what your back garden is like, but I highly recommend finding an outdoor couch type situation – definitely the coziest for hanging out! I am not sure if Target ships to Scotland, but they have a ton of good and relatively reasonably priced options on there.

    4. A hammock (on a hammock stand, because my yard doesn’t have good hammock trees) was the best yard investment I ever made! It’s such a cozy, relaxing thing to go lay in the sun, or watch the sunset, or stargaze from the hammock!

       1. YES! I was shocked how much I loved my hammock last year. I love it so much. I’m watching the weather closely because we’re getting closer to hammock weather here.

          1. Or a hammaka. I have one of those dangling from my back porch roof. It’s fun to sit in

    5. Oooooh. Decorating my outdoor area is seriously my favorite thing. You can do a lot to brighten up the ambiance without investing in bigger pieces (like furniture). Make sure you have warm, relaxing lighting. I like weatherproof patio string lights in an Edison-bulb style. There are also smaller solar lantern-type lights that are really beautiful. I think gas/propane fire pits help with heating as well as ambiance. I’ve also invested in larger patio heaters that make it comfortable to sit outside during spring and fall evenings. Consider also decorating the outdoor walls near your seating area with weather-proof “art” (metal décor, wall planters with faux succulents, wind chimes, etc.). My outdoor rugs also go a long way towards making the space feel less like “outside” and more like a living area. When the weather is warm enough, plants and flowers are also great. Separate dining and lounging areas are also nice if you have the space. Sunset Magazine has great outdoor decor inspiration!

23. This feels like a “are ponytails professional” type of question, but here goes… I’m a bridesmaid in an upcoming wedding. Pre-pandemic, I always wore contacts to big events like this and I think I look more dressed up and feel a little more confident without glasses. But I’ve been wearing glasses exclusively for the past two years so they are me now and they feel so much better. Will it be weird to wear glasses? Will they look odd in photos?

    1. I always wear contacts to events like this, but not everyone wears contacts at all, and it would be very unreasonable to expect people not to be able to see! It’s easy to pop them off for any staged photos though if you want to achieve that more dressed up look in the staged photos.

    2. I feel like at this point glasses are just part of how I look. If contacts bother you, don’t wear them. Wear your glasses. The photos will be fine.

       One of my besties wears glasses and got married wearing them because it’s just what she looks like. Contacts don’t work for her particular vision issue (one of her eyes crosses without glasses). She looked absolutely gorgeous on her wedding day.

    3. My only concern would be glare in photos. The photographer might ask for you to take them off for that reason. If you’re ok popping them off for photos I think it’s fine.

       1. this. glasses don’t often photograph well. I’d just plan on popping them off for photos.

    4. Omg of course it is fine. Glasses are not necessarily less dressed up yikes. I have worn glasses exclusively for 20 years and no I don’t take them off for formal events!!

    5. I wear contacts because they are more comfortable and I can see better in them than glasses. However, people wear glasses all the time even to formal events. Wear whatever you want.

24. Relating to several commenters over the last few weeks. Someone posted about not feeling connected to friends even though they live in the same city. I so feel this. I have a fairly large network of friends and acquaintances in my city but it’s a huge city and getting together can be such a hassle. I want the kind of connection that comes with regular get-togethers so we don’t have to do the big life catch-up every time we see each other. Doesn’t help that I am single and WFH so I don’t have the usual parent/kid connectors like daycare or school activities.

    What has helped: volunteering at the same place every week. I met a lot of nice neighborhood people. Most are retired or in college so not my demographic, but I kind of like that bc my friends and I are all pretty similar 30/40 something upper middle class professionals and it’s refreshing to get out of that bubble.

    Weekly walks before work with a friend who lives in my neighborhood. I feel so much closer to her because we can just chat about whatever came up this week at work or with her kid instead of the whole planning/catchup rigamarole. We just meet up in athleisure at the same coffee shop and walk. No thinking about plans or what to wear or where to meet. So refreshing!

    What I want to try: a weekly runners meetup (bonus, it seems like there are some cute men who attend)

    Hosting a weekly super casual brunch encouraging people to just stop by. I think the key is that it’s weekly. Just always have it on the calendar and whoever shows up shows up. I’ll cast a wide net with invites and hope to build some community that way. Anyone who has tried this and has tips on hosting, I’d love to hear!

    One more: going to try coworking in the same place one or two days a week in hopes of becoming a regular.

    What am I missing?

    1. A weekly bar trivia night was my regular tag up with friends activity pre-pandemic. Maybe some day it’ll pick back up again – I really miss it!

    2. On the brunch – I think you may have higher attendance at an early evening event (like a happy hour or dinner). On weekend mornings, people are going in a ton of different directions. Some want to sleep in, others exercise or do errands, people with kids are up early and doing activities. I know someone who did a super successful drop-in Sunday dinner at like 5pm. People would just let her know a day or two in advance if they were coming and she’d make a soup or chili or two, and guests would bring bread or a side or nothing. It was a great and chill way to end the weekend, and few people have conflicts with Sunday early evening.

25. All, I am suddenly in charge of planning part of an upcoming in-person (or hybrid) meeting. Has anyone seen anything really cutting-edge, something you’ve never seen before at a meeting or event, that really impressed you? I would really appreciate any brainstorming!

    1. Nothing is so impressive to me as running on schedule, and having real breaks between substance so people can deal with emails and calls then rather than having everyone fiddling the whole time or stepping out. And plenty of outlets or extension cords for charging stuff.

    2. Actual really good food and snacks and water stations available throughout the entire day. Seriously, those two things always really impress me because normally conference food sucks and there’s no water available for half the day or you have to hunt for it. I have a conference that’s held in the same place every September that often feels like a mandatory waste of time, except this last year they had the most legit homemade granola bars.

       And besides that, generally just nailing the schedule down, keeping things moving, and having everything well organized and communicating that well, makes for an enjoyable day/s.

    3. that at least majority of the content/info is actually necessary/relevant. i hate meetings that are a waste of time. a clear agenda. lots of hand sanitizer, water and coffee. a message reminding people to be respectful if some choose to mask and to stay home if you are sick (like the poster last week who was being pressured to attend an in-person meeting while sick and even if tested positive for covid). room temperature at a normal level. enough/long enough bathroom breaks. lots of open food everyone could touch and breathe on grossed me out before covid, but now does even more, so none of them. food that caters to different allergies/diets that is equally good for all different people. i am not a vegetarian, but i have colleagues who are and i hate on their behalf when everyone else is served some nice meal and they are served like a salad with lettuce and 3 croutons. no obnoxious swag that will likely end up in a landfill.

    4. The entire last two years have been filled with things I’ve never seen before. I am tired. Keep it normal and well organized. Focus on the content of the presentations.

    5. The last hybrid meeting I went to was in person two days before the virtual. So they filmed the presentations, showed the films to the virtual audience two days later, and had the presenters on hand for a live q&a with the virtual audience. It seemed to work very well.

    6. I attended an event where the keynote speaker was someone who had nothing to do with the content of the event but was independently fascinating – in this particular case, it was a law conference, but the keynote speaker was a space expert who spoke about Mars exploration. An unexpected curveball like that with a loose tie to the event theme/topic could be really engaging if pulled off well.

26. Probably a really simple question but how do you clean a gas grill after you cook meat on it? Like obviously when you put raw chicken into a pan indoors, that pan has to be thoroughly washed after. Yet when people grill, I feel like they throw chicken on the rack and next time throw burgers on the same rack and I don’t see anyone take the rack out; and with the new grills the racks are so wide that I doubt they can even fit in a dishwasher or even in the sink. A friend suggested you don’t have to clean them because the raw chicken juices dripping in there are all cooked so the safety hazard is gone. Is this accurate? Obviously grew up in a home where we didn’t have a grill so I don’t get the details, yet I feel like if I had one I’d eat more meat – which I need to – because I’m kind of too worried about raw meat to cook it indoors too often.

    1. The only thing you really need to do is wipe down the grills so they’re not coated in crusties. Because it’s so open, my thinking is that the heat burns off the nasties. Cleaning the grill pans every time is just … not a thing that’s done.

    2. You just burn it off and scrape the grates so you don’t have carbon building up on your food.

    3. We generally “burn it off”. Turn the grill up high to kill off any germs. We also have this wooden scraper to thoroughly scrape the grill grates clean first. Be sure to avoid the wire brushes as the bristles can be a safety hazard if one is left behind. We don’t really wash it with water, though I am sure you could if you really wanted to.

    4. Generally, we leave the burners on for about 10 to 15 minutes after removing the meat, and that burns off any bacteria from the meat, and any gunk on the racks. Then once it’s cool we scrape the racks down with a wire grill brush.

       1. We do the same. You’ll also likely preheat the grill before putting meat on it, which again burns off any bacteria or anything that could possibly be on it.

    5. Your fears about raw meat are not justified. Cook the meat. Wash your hands and equipment. Eat the meat. Clean the kitchen, pans, and dishes. Keep on living.

    6. When you preheat the grill, which is an important part of grilling, no bacteria is going to survive that heat. I preheat for 15 minutes, give the grates a brush, and then just throw the meat on. It’s fine. Humans have been cooking over fire since the beginning of humans.

27. I hung out with an old friend this weekend and it just felt weird and off. Our energy levels seemed incompatible. She is clearly focusing more and more on her house and kids, and there was also that feeling of like, she’s already doing her major emotional support stuff with her family and doesn’t really have room for it with me. She moved to a very elite suburb recently and as a result I see her doing more and more keep up with the Joneses stuff which I cannot relate to. Constant mentions of fancy kid bday parties and all the other parents’ fabulous jobs. I am still in the city we used to both live in and I live in a much more middle class neighborhood and my partner and I do not have kids or “fabulous” jobs (though we love them! But they aren’t like, brand name companies).

    I find it really hard when a friend is either not sharing their struggles or just keeps that stuff inside and I’m looking for a more authentic connection but they’ve kind of downgraded the friendship to a more casual level.

    She used to be a super available friend and watching her slowly disappear has been hard.

    Reading this I realize we just don’t have much in common anymore. It’s sad but not much can be done. I guess I don’t even need advice, just commiseration… so, anyone in the same boat?

    1. Yeah I mean I think this is a thing that happens not only when people get married and have kids but IME moreso when those kids are old enough to be part of the community/neighborhood. Parents WANT their kids to fit in, hence parents start doing what it takes to make the kid fit in; if that means hundred person catered bday parties or being on three club soccer teams and traveling to games every weekend is fashionable in that part of town, that’s what they do. And then THEY get caught up in it – if everyone is driving a Mercedes, well we want our family to fit and let’s get rid of the Honda. And the new friends/life take up so much time and mental space that often there isn’t much left for old friends except like maybe one very best friend. I don’t think you can prevent or change this.

       1. While you are 100% correct in your analysis I can’t help but think of what an exhausting way to live that must be. You lose all individuality, and personal interests.

          1. I’d argue that most of the people who fall into this trap didn’t have many to begin with.

             Signed,
             Lives in a bougie neighborhood but doesn’t keep up with the Joneses

             1. Glad someone else said it first, because it’s so true. People who have their own interests don’t need to show off for status.

                The older I get, the harder I find it to get along with people who have no interests of their own. It’s not that they are boring people – I can handle boring – it’s that they end up soaking up whatever nonsense is going on around them. Their lives revolve around drama, gossip, and silly status symbols.

    2. I can related to this a bit. I have a college friend, and she and I both have 2 kids of similar ages and we live in the same state, different cities.

       Her family is part of a huge group of couples/kids that all went to our college together and are all mostly of the same cultural background. Every weekend is booked with “boys nights” of the husbands, “girls nights” with the ladies, and/or blowout, huge kids birthday parties. It’s always like “Oh so and so’s kid’s party” or “So and so’s girl’s night” and I just get exhausted hearing about it and it’s just not me and DH’s vibe at all. And there 100% is the keeping up with the Joneses (e.g. “Sally did X for their kid’s 3rd birthday/vacation/whatever.”)

       When not working, DH and I focus more on close friends/family (vs. like a massive group with rotating social events), resting, reading, and popping out to good restaurants, breweries, museums, etc. when we can.

       She does share struggles…but like, I just can’t relate to the lifestyle nor do I want to hear about it…. and have realized I just don’t want to prioritize spending time with her in this season. Of course, things can change and life is long, and there will always be a place (especially because we share a few BFFs) for us to reconnect. I think you’re ultimately landing in a similar place.

    3. Ok just to play devil’s advocate, but are you the needy friend? I mention this because you mention she doesn’t have the emotional bandwidth to support you.

       I was in a pattern with one of my friends where all of our get together were her venting and me being sympathetic. I was fine with this because she really did need someone to listen, but then I went though my own issue (waiting for test results for a potentially life threatening illness for one of my young kids) and she changed the subject back to herself. That was when I realized the friendship wasn’t working for me.

       Just something to think about. Not saying it’s necessarily you but the words you wrote there reminded me of that time in my life and my old friendship (and I know for a fact that my former friend tells people I dropped her because I had kids.)

       1. +1. She is also probably not sharing her struggles because, without a similar life experience, there is not really much you can offer her in terms of meaningful support and she doesn’t want to bore you with the details, which you admit you can’t relate to.

    4. Perhaps she realizes that you are low-key hating on her life…

       1. +1

    5. Why are you still friends with her then? You don’t seem to enjoy her company or feel good after seeing her. I have a friend like that but we see each other rarely and it’s not all bad.

28. Not that this requires a follow up but just wanted to thank all those who weighed in with organizational suggestions at the end of last week. I’m the one who has spent 11 out of 24 months of the pandemic away, just surface cleaning each time I returned, and now my apt. is just overwhelmed with clutter, dust, etc. everywhere. Ended up making a LONG list last week of everything that needs to be done – list being way more detailed than it needs to be because I feel like I’ll stay motivated when one of the items I can cross off is – dust the lamps or whatever.

    So I made it through 15% of the list this weekend! Is the apt. uncluttered yet? No. But I did go thru all my kitchen cabinets + fridge and took out 3 large bags of really expired food, broken kitchen odds and ends etc. so I guess that’s a start. Also noticed that while you have to spend a few hours at at time decluttering, for smaller tasks – I was getting things done while waiting for other things. Happened more than once this weekend that I got up to make coffee and as I was waiting, I was like let me wipe down the stove; let me throw that pile of sheets and towels in the corner into the laundry. Now I have that corner clean and with all of that laundered, I can now sort thru sheets/towels to keep and which ones need to be demoted to rags or thrown out. So it’s coming along . . . slowly but even with just 15% done, I seem to be breathing easier. I do feel like – how am I going to do this for weeks at a time?? But I’m just reminding myself that even if I get through 40% of this and quit, well at least it’s 40% cleaner/more organized and I’m not starting from 0 when I resume.

    1. This internet stranger salutes you for the progress you’ve done so far. And for the shift in mindset:-)

    2. Good work! And you don’t need to do this every single free moment. It took a while to get o this point, and it will take a while to dig out. Just pick goals in your head (“This week I am going to tackle the bathroom, including the cabinets.”) and stick to those. Most weeks, you will end up accomplishing more than you planned, because crossing things off the list motivates additional work. Baby steps.

    3. Sounds like you’ve made a great start and now have some momentum pkus your list to carry you onward! I agree with Anon at 1:57 that you don’t have to maximize all the waiting time but it is a great way to get little things done before they become bigger tasks.

       Another habit that can help keep clutter in check is to pick up/put stuff away as you move throughout your space or shift from one activity to another. For example, if I’m going through the kitchen on my way to the bathroom, I’ll bring any dishes or glasses with me. Or when I’m done working, I’ll pick up anything that doesn’t belong in my office and put it away or where I need it next. Same for bedtime. Keeps the house tidier and lets me clean when I need to without also having to pick everything up.

    4. You’re doing great! Keep going but don’t tire yourself out too much :)

29. Guys, I legit had a 25-minute conversation today on whether certain water bottles are professional enough. This was in regards to whether to order Yetis for thank-you gifts or something more price-conscious that also allows for more screen-printing options. (Yetis are etched.) One person was talking about the mental gymnastics he goes through to make sure his logos display on the correct side of the water bottle (logo facing people on the other side of the table). It was effing bizarre. 25 minutes I’ll never get back, on a decision regarding WATER BOTTLES. So, yes, there are people paying attention to whether my drinking vessel is professional enough and omg we cannot win.

    1. I’ve had this about particular fonts. Commiseration.

       1. I’m a UX writer, and the freshman training in my new job was a complicated slide deck done in Papyrus. We all started cackling and someone shouted “Tribal yet futuristic!”

          I have never felt so at home so quickly.

          1. OMG Papyrus
             It was so edgy for report covers in middle school

    2. lol, but I want to know what you decided.

       Literally the only company branded thing I actually use/still own (and didn’t immediately give away) is a Yeti coffee mug. the logo is on the opposite side of the yeti logo. I have not once thought about how it’s displayed to people on the other sides of tables…I even have a mendala sticker on one side. unprofessionalism to the max around here ;)

       1. We decided on the Yeti for the wow factor, lol.

          1. Haha, def more professional. Well done ;)

    3. I like when logos are printed on (not etched) since I can take it off with acetone.

    4. The time and energy that gets spent on picking out just the right promotional/gift items is always mind-boggling for me. I get that some people like to shop and like to get really invested in the minor details of things, but – come on. I have spent hours of my professional career in meetings listening to people debate about whether or not a water bottle or tote bag “represents our company’s values,” why people won’t want this or that tchotchke, which tchotchke is better and why, etc. For objects that, generally, people look at for five seconds and then shove in a bag or drawer and forget about. We’re about to spend $75 per person on employee gifts for an upcoming meeting and I am about 100% sure than when people see the “gift pack,” they’re going to tell us we should have just given them the money instead. And frankly, that’s how I feel also.

       1. OP here, and I despise the tchotchke game. And theoretically, in my line of work, I should care. But I find 99% of it to be total waste.

       2. Unpopular opinion, but I like my employer’s gifts. If they just gave me a cash-equivalent like an Amazon giftcard, I would end up using it on something practical like groceries. Don’t assume everyone dislikes promotional items just because you dislike marketing discussions!

          1. Most of the promo tchotchke stuff I get isn’t from my employer, but from vendors I work with all the time. Or from ones I barely work with who think giving me a logo hat or dull pocket knife I’m never going to wear or use will make me buy more from them.

          2. If you need to use Amazon giftcards to buy groceries, you need a better job!

    5. Oh yikes. I would have been pulling my hair out if I were you! Some things just do not matter!!!

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