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Whether you're a fan of nap dresses, denim shorts, rompers, or maxi dresses in the summer, I think we've found the perfect shoe for you to pair with all of your summer weekend outfits: this slide sandal from Baleniciaga.
The shoe is highly rated — and you get “designer shoe” cred! Everyone will be oohing and aahing over your excellent taste. Call me crazy, but I think this would even work for a wedding guest/bridesmaid dress (or princess work outfit), so long as you're not on the beach or on grass — you don't want the stilettos getting stuck, after all.
N.B. Note that sandals are not appropriate for most offices — know your office before wearing these! These closed toe mules or these classic pumps are obviously much more appropriate for a sleek, polished look.
The slide sandals come in hot pink and black at Nordstrom for $625.
Psst: a huge round of applause from me for Kate (also!), Elizabeth, and Ann for playing along with me this year.
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Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anonymous
General question – if someone from a company you may be interested in reached out to you to get coffee/talk about their company and you know they’re growing, assuming that the conversation goes well/work is something you’d be interested in, how clear would you be [if at all] regarding money? This would be a much different role from what I’m doing now but one where my experience could be helpful to them [lawyer going into the business – loosely speaking]. I work for the government now and while I make a salary slightly over 200k, I’m not looking to take a pay cut at all and in fact am looking for an increase. Maybe this is possible because most private sector employers pay more anyway; maybe this isn’t possible because this is a small company and maybe they don’t pay like that, I have no idea.
But recently I’ve had more than one person suggest I should be ok with a pay cut “to get experience.” One was for an in house gig and the HR/recruiter seemed “shocked” that I’d be looking to match my salary at least, and another was my sister who generally views life as – your job is the best thing that happens to you in life, dare not ever ask an employer for anything. At 25 I would have been ok with the “get experience” thing. Obviously I already took a pay cut coming into government. But now at 42 and not partnered AND realizing that no job is perfect, I kind of see it as – I have to look out for #1, the more money I make, the more likely I can buy and pay off a house. I feel like guys act this way about money all the time and other guys pat them on the back for being such a star at work grabbing a huge salary and such a great provider. Yet when an Asian woman dares mention money, people act like you’re lucky to be here [at least that’s been my feeling in law where there aren’t many Asian women and almost none in leadership].
So try to figure out salary ranges if it goes ok? Be open about what you need to even consider a move? Or something else? WWYD?
Anonymous
If you are 99% sure you wouldn’t take the job with a lower salary, I would recommend you do what I have always done – just say I don’t want to waste your time so here is what I’m looking for from a job and then they can decide to move forward or not.
anonshmanon
Unless you are really starting over in a career where you would only contribute entry level work, I wouldn’t consider taking a pay cut for experience at your level. I might take a nominal pay cut if moving from VHCOL to LCOL area, and the pay allows me to maintain my standard of living.
Hj
I’m curious what government entity pays a salary of >$200k? That’s what federal judges make. Salaries above $200k (excl bonus and equity) at a small companies are rare and usually only for senior execs. You said this role would be quite different. You have to decide if the money will make a big enough difference to risk an otherwise good opportunity for.
Anonymous
Financial regulators pay over 200k assuming you go in with a good stretch of biglaw experience + stay with that regulator for 5ish years. SEC tops out at around 225k for non management attorneys and the Federal Reserve and FDIC are even higher than that – I want to say 250k or thereabouts.
As for small companies – yes and no. If it’s a small product company or start up, yeah you’re likely not getting 200k in comp. A small consulting company or private equity or something similar in financial services, I think it’s very possible; if they were to bring OP on in a GC role or some kind of GC + doing some business work role, I think that does qualify as executive level and puts her over 200k most likely.
Anonymous
If you’re at 200k now, you should ideally be looking for the next role to be in the 200k-250k, ideally a bit higher than 200k because I expect you’d be giving up some nice retirement matches and pensions by leaving the government and likely wouldn’t have those at the same level in the private sector. I think – take a pay cut for the experience – is bad advice that women give each other, like your sister did. Reality is IME pay for the next job is usually set by pay for your current job. Say you go in at 150k, when you’re looking to leave and look to match/slightly increase your comp you’ll be looking at jobs in the 150-200k range. No one is going to care that 5 years ago you were making 210k in the job you had before this one. In contrast you go in at say 215k this time, you’re then looking for your next gig should you want to leave in the 215-265k range. Over time it adds up so definitely don’t sell yourself short.
And I agree with the poster above – doesn’t sound like you’re going in for a full career switch that’ll have you doing entry level work; let’s be real if that’s what they’re looking for, they wouldn’t be reaching out to have coffee with you – they’d post a position aimed at people three years out of school and/or connect with them.
Anon
Leaving government and being told to take a pay cut is ludicrious. The entire point of going private is to crank up the paycheck. Don’t listen to this terrible advice.
Anonymous
Yes this
Anonymous
This. And BTW a 200k salary or if you’re looking to make 250k or whatever in your next job is perfectly reasonable for a lawyer with 15+ years of experience. This isn’t like coming from biglaw and expecting that a business will automatically pay you 700k or whatever because that was your partner or counsel comp — THAT is a lot harder to find and a lot less reasonable in many businesses. But a business that isn’t willing to pay you 200-250k is not one that you should be talking to coming out of the government because they’ve been living under a rock if they don’t realize people leave the stability/pension/benefits of government to make MORE money not less.
Anon
I’m at a different point in life than you are, most likely. So I’m very up front about money. I’m not taking a salary cut to work for a different company period. So I ask the range first and say “no thanks” if I’m completely out of range, which I usually had.
It’s shocking how many companies think they can get someone with my level of experience for what I made 15 years ago.
anon
I’d look at pay cuts in terms of does the job provide something else that makes up for the pay cut – e.g., less hours, more predictable schedule, less stress, better benefits, path for advancement – or alternatively, if it is a cut in your salary but the potential for a significant non-salary bonus, equity, etc. Otherwise, you are just taking a job to be paid less for your time.
Anon
Two things going on here. For an informal chat, it’s not the time to talk dollars. If it comes up, get what information you can. But no, don’t move for a cut, that’s silly at this point in your career for a voluntary move.
Alanna of Trebond
Entry level in-house counsel positions for pharma/biotech/tech were in the $250k range more than 3-4 years ago. They should be much higher now. A more established company will also give you equity. In-house counsel positions are needing to pay much more these days because very junior level lawyers in biglaw are making $215k.
Anon
Advice needed….my husband’s uncle (who does not live in the same city as us), just received a check from the IRS for a not-insignificant 5-figure sum that has my husband’s name in the memo and references December 2020. My husband and I have no idea what it could be for – we have filed our taxes via TurboTax for the past several years and our biggest refund has been 3k. How on earth do we go about getting this resolved? My husband’s parents are relatively well off and have had accounts in his name before, but they’re not mentioned on the check and they also have no idea what it could be from. Any tips on navigating with the IRS?
Betsy
Are you sure it isn’t a scam? I feel like “the IRS” will be contacting him any minute to let him know that they accidentally wrote the check for too much and here’s the wire information to send the overage back but he can keep $500 for his trouble.
Anon
+1000 this totally sounds like a scam to me.
Anon
This 100% sounds like a scam to me. OP needs to tell her husband’s uncle not to cash the check and instead contact the Treasury Department’s fraud investigators.
anonshmanon
yeah, can you think of a legitimate reason the IRS would send a check for your husband to his uncle, who has a different name and address? Seems weird.
Ellen
Dad says NOT to cash the check, but to bring it to the bank and ask them to investigate it. The government does NOT put items onto the check, like other peeople’s names. The IRS also has checks that are not from private banks, so if it says it comes from a private bank, do NOT cash it, or even try to deposit it. He said you can bring it to the police, and they will assign it to their fraud investigation unit. My dad is VERY familiar with check fraud, b/c there is alot of it going on behind the Iron Curtan, with scams showing up here. He said to expect to get a call soon from some tough guys from Eastern Europe, demanding a substantial amount of the cash back as hush money. My dad is VERY smart, so listen to him, if not me. Good luck to you.
Anon
Call the real IRS – using the number on their website, not anything on the letter – to find out what it’s for.
Anon
Yep, call the IRS or hire a tax professional.
OP
Not a scam – he sent over a scan of the check and it is very clearly from the US Treasury. We did figure it out though after doing some Googling….my husband’s first name can also be a city/state name (think Dakota or Cheyenne) and based on what we saw online the field that included his “name” is typically where the IRS lists your last name followed by a location. Since he and his uncle have the same last name, it looked like the memo was for my husband when in reality (we believe) it’s just referencing the city. His uncle actually IS expecting money from the IRS, but was thrown off by husband’s name. Sigh. I knew it wasn’t really our money but a small part of me got excited thinking about what we could do with that extra cash!
Anonymous
What’s to navigate? Cash it.
Frozen Shoulder
Have any women here dealt with frozen shoulder? I was just diagnosed with frozen shoulder. My doctor explained that this self-resolving will take 1-3 years to resolve. Apparently I have a 60% chance of then seeing the OTHER shoulder freeze/resolve. So I am facing 2-6 years of constant pain and significant disability.
I can’t reach up to my hair, so I am getting it all cut off this weekend. I am not finding any coping strategies online for stuff like dressing, washing dishes, cleaning my home, driving, and other basic activities. I am unhappily single, probably now for the rest of my 40s, and all the comments online around “oh my husband helps me zip up each morning, haha!” are just so demoralizing. How does a single woman with frozen shoulder manage?
I moved cross country for work just prior to the pandemic, so I do not have a social network. I have nobody. I’m physically incapable of moving again, so I need to figure out how to live where I am trapped.
Anon
My dad is dealing with this now. The doctor told him 6 months with physical therapy, or up to a year. But he got a hydrocortisone shot and it’s significantly, significantly better after 3 months. I think you should get a second consultation. I don’t know how severe your case is, but the doctor should have at least let you know about PT or the hydrocortisone shot (which I think is a holy grail in situations like this.)
Lots of hugs to you!
Anon
Here’s some more info that might be helpful about steiroid injections: https://www.health.harvard.edu/pain/steroid-injection-may-be-the-best-medicine-for-frozen-shoulder
Frozen Shoulder
Thanks, I will get a second consult. The shoulder specialist I just saw seems like THE guy in my city though – the most prestigious shoulder residency in the country, was a dedicated shoulder surgeon for multiple professional sports teams, etc., etc.
Anon
see below for my (positive) experience with the cortisone injection
Anon
and I just want to add that I’m surprised your doctor is not providing you with options. Maybe your frozen shoulder isn’t as interesting to him as other conditions, but you need treatment, period. I went to the local orthopedic guy in my town (NYC suburbs, but he is not an NYC high end doctor).
Anon
Yeah, my experience with doctors has been that the absolute last person you want to see when you have a relatively mundane health issue is the fancy doctor with lots of photos of famous patients on the wall. They’re probably an excellent surgeon, but if they’re not going to operate on you and you’re not famous, they don’t care.
AnonForThis
+1 to Anon at 2:43. My mom had frozen shoulder when I was around 10, and her treatment, which included PT (not sure about steroids), gave her significant relief within 2 months.
Anon
I agree with anon. I’m honestly shocked he didn’t recommend PT or cortisone shots. I think it’s likely that though he may be a shoulder specialist, he specializes in things that require surgery / are a different breed of injury? He may not have a lot of experience with frozen shoulders or inflammation specifically (or may have a lot of experience, but it’s specific to telling people “just let it heal on it’s own”)
Anonymous
Yikes, that is really hard and scary! Is it possible that your doctor could refer you to occupational therapy? They would be able to help you find ways to do your daily activities despite the frozen shoulder.
Anon
Is this really the best they can do? I would be tempted to see a soft tissue therapist or a PT who does active release therapy or similar… maybe they’re saying this because you’ve already tried it all, but that seems like a long time to just wait it out.
Anon
Yes, I’m 55 and was diagnosed with this last year. I was in constant pain. The exercises didn’t do anything for me. I could not sleep at all due to the pain, which worsened significantly at night. My orthopedist sent me for a cortisone shot performed under guided imagery. In my case it permanently resolved the pain by about 90-95%, which my doctor said was atypical. My range of motion is not entirely back yet but has improved and keeps improving.
My brother in law is my age and was diagnosed with the same condition at the same time. He underwent arthroscopic capsular release, which was a somewhat difficult procedure with a week or so recovery time, but it worked for him. Both his pain and range of motion resolved quickly afterwards.
I am fortunate to be married, but I have 2 kids with special needs so I understand the need to be physically up to par. You have my sympathy, this is not an easy condition to live with.
I haven’t had any recurrences with my other shoulder, which I previously dislocated in the past.
Anonymous
I have been dealing with increasing shoulder pain that looks like it might be a pre-cursor to frozen shoulder. I was diagnosed with “calcific tendinitis” — this is black spots in front of the eyes kind of pain, and I also have difficulty reaching my hair etc. Loose clothes that I can pull over my head and pants with very stretchy waists are about the only clothes I can wear (I can’t pull jeans or workout leggings on right now)
I got a cortisone shot this week and it has been an improvement but it is not a holy grail. It’s only good for a few months, to settle it down while you rehab — but you can’t keep getting them indefinitely.
I’m still working through it and don’t have full advice – but what I have seen so far seems to be – do all of the PT diligently, and make sure you are seeing medical specialists that deal with athletes/other active people.
Post a burner if you want some offline commiseration!
eh230
I did not have frozen shoulder, but I did not have a lot of mobility in my right shoulder due to a calcium deposit in my rotator cuff (I eventually had surgery). I agree with the posters above that a cortisone shot helps immensely. Religious physical therapy following surgery got me to 90% of full functioning. It’s hard, but it really helps. If you are in pain, get a gel wrap specifically for shoulders that you can put in the freezer (you can get it from Amazon). The cold helped me more than pain killers did after surgery. Other things that helped me: button up shirts and pajamas instead of pulling overhead and bras that fastened in the front. I maybe had my husband help me twice with zippers, etc., so you don’t necessarily need a partner to help. Send laundry out, hire a cleaning lady. I could still cook fine and just put everyday items on lower shelves. I hope you feel better soon!
Anonymous
I had frozen shoulder, and could not raise my arm. PT resolved around 80% of my symptoms. I do daily stretches for my shoulder.
Anon
In addition to the recommendations for PT, ask for an OT consult. OT will work with you to figure out how to do things with your current limitations. The PT will help improve your functioning.
anon
I had frozen shoulder following a rotator cuff injury. It resolved fully with PT after about 2-3 months. My PT was surprised that it was gone so quickly, though. Regardless, you should be seeing a PT for this!
Anon
Agree with others about finding a new doctor. “This is awful, deal with it, and by the way–expect it to get twice as bad” is not viable medical advice.
Frozen Shoulder
Hi, thanks everybody. The shoulder doctor told me that studies have confirmed PT/shots do not make a difference but maybe I will get lucky by pursuing these options. I did read that there are 3 stages, and PT is not recommended until Stage 3 (thawing). And that frozen shoulder is a medical mystery, etc. (hmm, wonder if not studied as much because it impacts 40yo+ women most often?).
I will try to be more hopeful and seek out alternatives.
Anon
Get the guided imagery shot, which is low stakes and likely to help. IF that doesn’t help, get the arthroscopic capsular release procedure, which WILL work. Hire someone to care for you during the several days of recovery. You need to be healthy now, not years from now.
Anonymous
That surgery caused my dad to permanently lose use of his shoulder. He went from a problem that was painful into serious disability.
PolyD
Chiming in to add that a friend of mine suffered from this over the summer, to the point that she was nearly suicidal from the pain. Once it got properly diagnosed, she got treated – I’m not sure if she got cortisone shots but she did lots of PT – and now she’s essentially back to normal. At least, she’s going back to tae kwan do and doing trapeze workouts again.
So yeah, I think you need a second or third opinion.
Meara
Had this early pandemic but the cortisone shot hurt even MORE for a couple days, then it settled down. It was still frozen but not being painful helped a lot. I’d say it started in March and was getting worse then got the shot in late may and some PT that summer. It’s two years later and my mobility is not 100% but it’s enough to do my bra and such and I’m happy enough, though if it weren’t for the pandemic I might’ve tried more yoga classes or something
Anonymous
I had a frozen shoulder. It has resolved. Took 6+ months. I went to a PT just before covid. She said that PT helps, but as you noted, only during the thawing stage. Somewhere along the way it thawed during Covid and is fine now.
Lobby-est
Been there. Wasted months in agony and on rehab exercises.
Go see a sports medicine doc and get a GUIDED shot in your shoulder. The shot is anti inflammatory. Was not painful and 100% better in 3 days.
Anon5
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I had it in both shoulders, believe it or not, from breastfeeding and then letting my daughter sleep continue to sleep in my arms (while an arm was immobilized beneath her). Three or four months after onset was the most painful time and interfered with my ability to sleep and care for my daughter. I remember feeling desperate; I saw a surgeon but decided to avoid cortisone so I started PT just before the pandemic. The physical therapist stretched my shoulder muscles at each appointment which helped relieve my most acute pain. She also told me that, while frozen shoulder can recur, she’d never seen anyone else who had it in both arms at the same time. I spent a lot of time on PT exercises; then the pandemic hit and I had no time to do them but the pain gradually got better on its own and resolved completely within a few months. All-in-all my experience was pretty typical- each stage lasted about 3 months and the problem disappeared within 9 months with no lingering effects. If it happens again, I’d go to PT for stretching but not spend time on PT exercises at home, as I don’t think they made much difference for me.
Anon
Chiropractor.
Anon
I was diagnosed with frozen shoulder following a fall on a slippery old deck. It had been getting worse for several weeks following the fall, although it was not as bad as yours. The shoulder guy also told me to get lots of PT. I drove basically straight from the doctor’s office to an acupuncturist, who fixed it in one visit.
Anon
I know there are a bunch of us trying to lose COVID weight and not seeing the scale move very quickly. To that end, if you’re trying to lose weight or get in better shape, share a recent small win here!
I’ll start: I recently realized I snack so much because I don’t eat enough at meals. I’ve been making an effort to eat more real food at meals and have been craving junk food so much less.
Anon
I got some comfortable slip-on house shoes, and I’ve found that I get up and do more now. I think because my good shoes took time to put on and take off, and my slippers had no support and made me feel unstable on stairs, it was this tiny obstacle that I hadn’t realized was making me lazier.
Anon
Great tip about snacking. I’m always afraid to eat big meals because I think I will snack in addition to the meals. I lost 7 pounds last year and gained it back, so I know it can be done.
Anonymous
I just finished a one-week trial at a fitness studio a 5-minute walk from my house. It’s not as much fun as the Les Mills classes I used to take at the Y, but it’s convenient and has excellent ventilation and I actually managed to get myself out of bed to get to class. I am going to sign up on a month-to-month basis as long as COVID stats remain good.
Bonus: The workouts are improving my sleep, which for me is the real key to weight loss.
Nora
Eating more at meals has been a game changer for me too! And its great, because it means I eat larger meals.
I haven’t been doing great this week, but while the scale was not going down as quick as I thought I randomly measured my hips at its gone down a whole inch.
Anon
I recently signed up for a program which required step tracking so I got a fitbit. I’ve been surprised to learn that it does motivate me to move more and focus on getting enough sleep.
Anonymous
TW: calorie counting
My downfall is always dinner, and I’ve tried starting 24 hours of calories at dinner and I just totally overeat at dinner and then eat nothing the rest of the time. But I’ve never tried starting at lunch! So I just switched it to start at 12 PM and it’s nice because I’m most motivated in the morning so I can look at my calories/macros from the day before and decide if/how to fill the gaps in a reasonable way.
anon
To be honest, my win here was realizing that the scale didn’t measure anything I actually needed to care about. I got a BP cuff so I can be sure that’s staying low and threw out my scale.
Curious
It has been a struggle to keep fresh vegetables in my diet. Yesterday I prepped and ate a chickpea/tomato/cucumber/olive salad with a nice vinaigrette at lunch.
anonshmanon
I was able to turn my aversion to food waste into a driving force to eat more plants, by locking myself into a subscription for a CSA box, which gives me way more veggies than I would normally buy. It only works because I enjoy cooking, and don’t eat out more than 1-2 times per week.
Curious
Ohhh I can’t wait for my CSA deliveries to start in June!
No Face
I started using the Lose It app after seeing a recommendation here. I turned it into a game, trying to eat as much as I can while staying with my target range. The way to win? Lots of raw fruits and veggies. Salad tastes better than burgers to me now.
Mentioned earlier today, but I’ve lost many inches from my waistline.
I am also stronger than ever. When I do Les Mills Bodydy Pump in person, my weights are as heavy as the instructors.
I also worked out with some friends that were legitimate D1 athletes in college. I kept up!
Curious
This is so cool!
Anon
My husband and I both WFH now, and do a combination late lunch/early dinner most days, so we have two meals instead of three.
Anon
I know y’all hate it, but starting IF last month has been a game changer for me. I always hated eating breakfast, and begrudgingly shoveled something down my throat in the mornings. Allowing myself not to do that feels fantastic. Freeing up 33% more calories for lunch and dinner is a huge boon, especially since I’m insanely short and my TDEE is skimpy.
Having to do 33% less meal prep, food shopping, and dishes doesn’t hurt either!
Anon
I didn’t know we hated that here! I still have coffee in the morning, but I do not miss breakfast at all. It reminds me a little of studying abroad in Italy (where breakfast was 70-100% coffee, and lunch and dinner were taken pretty seriously).
Anon
I think “we hate it here” is a bit of an exaggeration. There are a lot of us here who do IF, but whenever it comes up there’s one or two people who say it’s disordered eating. I think they’re a definite minority though.
AnonATL
I also naturally do IF. I have a cup of coffee and almost every day I’m fine until 11. Later sometimes if I focus on drinking enough water in the morning.
I’m an early dinner eater (before 6 most nights) because we wfh and eat with my toddler.
Anon
This is my exact schedule. I feel the early dinners help me sleep.
Anon
after a long and semi unexplained *decade of weight gain, I started Wegovy 9 weeks ago. i dropped 20 pounds, the last 2 weeks only 2 pounds despite the higher dose.
i think it fixed issues with sugar sensitivity mainly. i still barely eat but now I’m losing instead of gaining. i recommend it
*i had done many many many rounds of IVF and the meds just kept piling on the pounds.
Anonymous
Small win: yesterday at 5 my wonderful husband agreed to pick up both kids so it freed up about an hour to relax. I poured a glass of wine and then decided sneaking in a walk would be more relaxing. I had that wine when I got home but the walk was great. That’s…something right?
Azera
That’s everything!!! Well done you!
Anon
early 40s, the last of my friends who is single. Was just broken up with last weekend after almost a year with someone who I deep down knew wasn’t the right guy but I still loved him. I’d been single for a long time so I tolerated too much and overlooked a lot. I was defending him to friends and hoping things would change over time as he kept promising. Even though I logically know this was never going to end in happily ever after, I feel gutted and want to stay in the fetal position in bed. I have a therapist and am starting on antidepressants and I am journaling a lot, but I am exhausted by these feelings and by thinking about the idea of starting all over trying to find someone and build something. I am trying to be patient with myself but this is just so awful and it feels like he was the problem yet I am paying the price, which feels unfair on top of it all. Why is it so hard to let go of someone I logically know was a mess and couldn’t likely have ever worked out?
commiseration or support or anything, please, I just feel so overwhelmed.
Anonymous
I’m so sorry. It is so hard.Be kind to yourself and do whatever self care you can think of. It’s OK to fetal position a bit–just don’t be too hard on yourself. When you’re ready, get busy then to distract yourself a bit–I like to go for super long walks outdoors to help process. Next stage when you’re up for it, check out the dating apps–not with intent but just to remind yourself that the world is bigger than it feels sometimes. Do not reconnect if he tries to reach out. The true loneliest place is with the wrong person. It may not feel like it now, but some day you’re going to be glad you didn’t waste anymore time. It’s like being in the wrong job. You’re usually going to like some of the people and that will make it a little tough to leave. But once you get distance, it’s easier to see all of the cracks and holes for what they were. Stay strong!
Anonymous
I’m 44 and am considering divorce (my friends and family don’t know). I think I married they guy I should have walked away from. Some of your married friends envy your freedom.
Anon
I’m so sorry. Remind yourself that you won’t always feel that way. “It will not always hurt this much” on repeat. Be as kind to yourself as you’d be to a friend in the same situation.
I’m bossy, so here’s my two cents on getting from overwhelmed to…well, whelmed:
Immediate term: be sad in the fetal position and watch sad movies and eat takeout. Short term: make a plan to do something fabulous for yourself this weekend–haircut, tattoo (if that’s your jam), buying something very indulgent, planning a long weekend trip for sometime in the next few weeks, whatever fabulous is to you, as you are, now. Not you with a partner. Not you if you meet the right person. Treat YOU, and do it soon. Medium term, maybe think of something you’ve always wanted to do and go do it. Take a class. Learn an instrument. Volunteer. Whatever. But feel the big crummy feels and then focus on all the wonderfulness and experiences you deserve–you, as you are–and go for it.
Hugs. This hurts. It won’t hurt forever.
No Face
The most I ever cried after a breakup was when I got dumped by a guy I didn’t even want to date anymore. Just let yourself feel sad.
Anon
Please do something really awesome for yourself, because you love yourself and you are awesome.
I’ve always found a small fitness goal and going outside for a bit daily helps with situational depression
Abbie
I recently discovered Shani Silver’s “A Single Revolution” https://www.shanisilver.com/. She also has a Medium blog and a podcast, if one of those is more your jam. Really blew my mind. Maybe check her out and see what you think? She talks about how much crap we are willing to take from the dating world (especially dating apps, but not only), and why we are willing to put up with it.
So many hugs to you…
Anon
How many black dresses is too many? Asking for a friend.
Anon
366.
Anonymous
looooooove this
No Face
If they are in good condition, fit well, and you like them, too much is never enough.
Anon
What if it is items that are black or white or black AND white? I am morphing into Moira Rose, but that doesn’t seem like a bad thing.
Anon
+1
Anon
2 more than however many you currently own.
Anonymous
Wow, I can not believe these shoes are real. Amazing find for the occasion!
Anonymous
Another breakup question. In relationships, there are so many inside jokes, memories, and details you learn about someone (how they take their coffee, where they got that scar when they were 8, etc.). What do you do with all of those after a breakup? If it was physical, I’d recycle or donate items, but it’s emotional and the memories keep popping up. Moments I almost text about something similar to that time when we… or a reminder not to forget to reorder the… or some song comes on at the grocery and reminds me of the trip we took or the like.
Almost worse? When I think of these or trip over them, I also find myself wondering if he feels them or if he’s forgotten and is just fine and I’m over here buried under memories. I know I shouldn’t care what he thinks or feels anymore but it’s hard not to wonder if I’ve been forgotten about or if I meant anything to him the way he did to me.
Anon
Oof. I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this. I don’t know a good answer other than to feel your feelings, and time really will dull the memories and the thoughts of whether he remembers you will become less and less frequent. I will be honest that I went through a traumatic divorce almost 5 years ago from a man who is absolutely not worth my tears, and I still sometimes have these same feelings you’re talking about. They don’t make me cry or sad for the whole day anymore. It’s more like a transient “Oh man, that’s a sad thought” and then I can move along. So, commiseration and a promise that things will get better.
Anonymous
It’s part of the grieving process. It will fade over time. You’ll make new memories and inside jokes with friends and family. You’ll be able to think about that trip to Cancun or whatever and he will be part of the background rather than the main event. And, eventually, you’ll even be able to think fondly about the happy moments of that relationship without feeling that pit in your stomach.
Anon
Write a poem about it. Then set it to music.
This is how the best songs are made.
Or a short story, or a NYT love letters piece. Pour it all out into paper and make a beautiful thing.
Professionals in SF
Can anyone recommend an interior decorator (designer?) or a financial advisor in the SF Bay Area? Designer would be for two or three rooms, retooling in advance of a second baby. Financial advisor would also be a one-time check in to get things in order for kid 2 (how to revise college savings, etc.), with the idea that we’d go back to this person occasionally when major life events seem like they require a reassessment of our financial setup.
Anonymous
Lauren Daley at Sand and Stars, or Kim McGowan. Both in the East Bay, both great.
Emilie Goldman, at Tamarind Financial Planning.
Good luck!
Anon
Banner Day Interiors
Anon
https://instagram.com/bannerdayinteriors
F in SF
Barb at Mont and Merk for your interior! She’s great for interior projects :) https://www.montandmerk.com/about
Anonymous
seriously, who is wearing these shoes? what celebrity would we style in the shoes and how?
SF Bay
I’m about to start a search for an interior designer. I live on the Peninsula so will my focus will be on designers in my area. What area are you in? If we’re close perhaps we can share whatever recommendations we get.
A
It’s April 1. Kat always does a gag pick.
Anon
Right, but they still exist in the world as a purchasable item. So who is wearing them?
Anon
The only celebrity I can see wearing these is Bai Ling.
Anonymous
Elle Woods in Legally Blonde 3, Malibu holiday?
Could be any sort of catwalk look where plastics is a thing. It’s the pink that’s making them a little improbable, but I don’t think these are particularly outrageous, if you approach it from a high fashion point of view rather than practicalities.
Anonymous
my kids (11 and 6) do not seem to be interested in “museum/restaurant/city” vacations. Or hiking. Or beach. They do like waterparks though. Any other categories of vacation we’re missing out on? Things to do in cities that are not museums/restaurants? (Thinking of some mini trips to Boston/Philly/NYC this summer.)
NYCer
How adventurous are the kids, and how far are you willing to travel? Costa Rica has a mix of activities that (I think) would be fun for most kids. I similarly think the Galapagos Islands would be a great trip for kids that age (or maybe in a couple years for the sake of your younger child). What about a ski trip in the winter? A dude ranch in Montana or Wyoming?
Anon
I would not recommend the Galapagos for kids who don’t like hiking. You need to do a fair amount of hiking to see the wildlife. And it’s an expensive, bucket list trip for most, so not something you want to do if you’re not going to be able to enjoy it to the full degree.
NYCer
I disagree. We did a big family trip with my grandmother and other elementary aged kids, and it was fabulous. I didn’t have children yet, but my cousin brought her two kids and they loved it. No intense hiking and we saw tons of wildlife. Definitely a fair bit of walking, which I don’t classify as hiking. YMMV.
Anonymous
In Boston, a Duck Tour. In NYC, Central Park and the High Line.
Anon
Would they like living history, where there are costumed interpreters to bring history to life? Colonial Williamsburg, Concord/Lexington? (Sorry to say I was underwhelmed with Historic Plymouth, though it somewhat fits in this category.) CW has Busch Gardens in town, along with a mini golf – and there are some Navy ships and things to see in Norfolk, about 30 minutes away.
Anon
What kinds of museums are you going to? Most kids aren’t going to care about art museums. I would try science or children’s museums if you haven’t. Playgrounds/splash pads? Getting food that doesn’t involve a sit down meal, e.g., ice cream? Do they like swimming in lakes? I think Acadia/Bar Harbor is a great place for kids. There is hiking and restaurants but also stuff like boating, swimming, biking, low tiding on the beach, etc.
Anonymous
Op – last trip we went to an immersive art exhibit (basically giant sensory room) and then a science museum. Kids were bored and wanted their screens.
Anon
Do they get a lot of screentime at home? When you try to get them outside at home do they ask for screens? I’m not trying to be judgy but the fact that they’re asking specifically for screens suggests to me that this is more of a screentime problem than a vacation problem.
Anonymous
I think this is pretty normal. I kind of ignore complaints and also lay down some ground rules like no screens during x period of the day. (Afternoons for us). My son would probably prefer to play video games over doing almost anything else with his parents (if friends were around it might be different), but if that option is off the table for part of the day, the museum or hike becomes more appealing. And the hotel pool would probably be the highlight of any trip.
I am sure many on this board would think me wildly too permissive with screens but the pandemic has put many of us in positions we did not expect to be (e.g. no childcare while homeschooling and working from home for over a year) and it is hard to put the genie back in the bottle.
pugsnbourbon
Hmm. What about zoos/nature parks?
Both Boston and Philly have some great science and children’s museums. The USS Constitution Museum in Boston might be different enough from the typical museum experience that they would have fun.
Anon
Cool parks and natural attractions – on a recent trip my non-outdoorsy kids enjoyed going to poke around a tide pool at low tide. Zoos, historical sites they can understand, and large scale sculptures/art in a natural setting are also hits. Kids are 9-11.
anon
Are they interested in animals and wildlife? Zoos, aquariums, tide pools, wildlife reserves, whale watching, fishing, crabbing, clam digging etc.
NYNY
For a NYC trip, you could gear the activities and restaurants to the kids. Combine local activities, like trying out a few different playgrounds, with a big activity each day.
– Bronx Zoo
– American Museum of Natural History
– Coney Island
– Quest for the best ice cream (can be a multi-day event)
– Economy Candy
Anon
Specific to one city in particular but the Las Vegas Strip was a really fun part of my childhood. I know it has a reputation as a very “adult” place but as a kid there was nothing cooler than sleeping in a pyramid, taking a gondola ride, watching a jousting tournament, seeing some exotic animals, going on a roller coaster, and visiting the M&M store, all in the same day.
Anonymous
Las Vegas went through a period where it was trying to be actively family friendly. It has moved away from that somewhat. Although the kid stuff is still there for the most part, it tends to be in the older casinos and generally less well maintained. The new casinos are definitely more tailored to adults though more in the form of spas, shopping, and luxury than “adult”.
Bostanon
There are so many fun things for kids that age in Boston outside of standard art museums. My picks would be Lawn on D (glowing swings! lawn games! food trucks!) followed by “fish cone” ice cream at Taiyaki, duck boat tours, the aquarium followed by an iMax movie and/or the planetarium, the Mapparium, and my personal favorite for more adventurous kids: Codzilla. If you really want to squeeze in some museum time, the Boston Tea Party museum is on a ship and the Museum of Science is always a hit.
Waffles
No kids, but my husband and I visited Boston years ago and he STILL talks about codzilla! It was so fun.
anon
Not a vacation, but in my town there is a combination mini-golf/petting zoo/duck pond/ice cream stand/pumpkin patch/corn maze attraction. It is kid heaven and very popular with visitors.
Maybe look at vacations that have more to do, as opposed to variations of walking-and-looking-at-things? Instead of a hike, how about an easy trail ride on horses or donkeys? Instead of the beach, how about one that is having a sandcastle contest? Or in the winter, book a dog sled ride and find a christkindlmarkt.
I would reverse course and stay away from Boston/NYC this year and head to destinations that are more kid-centric.
Anon
My kids at that age liked hotels. Room service, pools, nice bathtubs, watching a movie. During the day we’d often do a single activity like a small zoo (not an all day event), amusement park, or kid friendly museum, often lunch out at a restaurant, but back to the hotel for an entire afternoon in the pool and back to the room for room service kids meal and maybe a Disney pay per view movie.
It sounds dull for the adults but honestly I really cherish the memories. Wait till they’re teens and everything you want to do is lame.
Anonymous
Op here – did you go to fancy hotels/resorts for that?
Anon
Sometimes yes, sometimes no. They’d be just as happy anywhere with a pool and room service, and weren’t picky about the pool.
Anan
My ten year old would love to spend a weekend swimming in a hotel pool and watching tv at any old hotel.
Anne-on
Same – we’re leaning into it for now by doing a lot of waterpark/watersports/theme park trips (Disney, Universal, Mexico, Jamaica, those indoor waterpark places, etc.) paired with 2-3 day city trips. So far our go-to strategy for city trips is to make sure our ‘museums’ are mostly science, technology, or natural history museums. I also intentionally keep the food easy – would I love to hit a 3-star restaurant? Yes. Am I going to drag a resentful 6 yr old there? No. Pizza/Pasta/Tacos/Asian food/Pub grub is all we aim for. I have fit art museums into the trips but I keep it to 1 museum, no more than 90-minutes, and immediately after a meal (so nobody is hangry) and being prepared to bribe with treats afterwards. We also book hotels that have pools if possible.
The only other category you may be overlooking is ‘adult camp’ or ‘dude ranch’ type places with lots of activities built in for both kids and adults?
Anonymous
In NYC – theater and concerts. Visiting tall buildings, taking ferries and trains. Double decker bus tour. Governor’s Island. Bronx Zoo or Central Park Zoo. Coney Island aquarium and boardwalk/rides. Sweet/treat focused eating destinations and tours – e.g. there are some unusual ice cream places in Chinatown, World of M&Ms in times square, chocolate factories, etc.
Especially kid-friendly museums – Natural history museum, Museum of Math, Queens Science Center, Liberty Science center. I’m guessing yours are a little old for the children’s museums (or the 11 year old is). If they like art, the children’s museum of the arts would be worthwhile.
There are also some kind of expensive, instagram focused pop-up museums that are probably fun like the Sloomoo Institute or the Museum of Ice Cream. (I kind of refuse to go on snobby principle).
MommyPoppins has good lists – here is one. https://mommypoppins.com/newyorkcitykids/spring-break-is-here-ready-or-not-fun-events-in-new-york-city-for-families-and-kids
Anonymous
PS – my son isn’t super into hikes but is sometimes motivated to see specific wildlife or something. (he’s 9). We’re going to AZ this month and he wants to see a burrowing owl, saguaro cactus, and the grand canyon.
For museums, I have sometimes had luck with showing him the website first and letting him pick 1 or 2 things he wants to see. And then I have to be willing to make it a short visit. In art museums, he sometimes likes period rooms (good at the Met in NYC) and matching up what is on a diagram with what he sees. Or once they had a baseball card display at the Met and we saw half the museum trying to find it. The Egyptian galleries at the Met are also pretty kid pleasing. (Can you tell I love the Met?) I work in the arts and do put a fair amount of energy in trying to instill a love of art in him–he’s really not that into it naturally–so I realize this isn’t for everyone. But getting his buy in and input in advance does seem to help regardless of where we’re going.
Anon
I’d involve them in planning more. Let each person choose at least one thing they want to do on the trip. If it’s a weeklong trip you probably have time for 2-3 things per person. At their ages they should be able to get that if they want to do their fun things they have to take turns and let their and sibling do their fun things too.
I also second bribing with ice cream for more boring things (I got my 4 year old to do several art museums in Italy using gelato bribes) and going to beach resorts with waterparks. Beaches Resorts (the family brand of Sandals) have really big waterparks but are very expensive.
Anon
*their parents and sibling
Monte
At those ages I loved going to baseball games with my dad. Even if they cannot sit still for 9 innings, there is often enough going on to watch several innings, go get food, wander the park, and then sit back down for some more baseball.
Anonymous
Oh in NYC going to see a Cyclones game in Coney Island can be a lot of fun (and cheap). They have a freebie at most games too. I’m still sad I haven’t gone to Seinfeld night and received my own Fusilli Jerry (yet). That one is popular though.
A
My kids are 6, 9, and 12 so similar ages to yours. We’ve found that variety is key: so a couple of hotel/AirBNB pool days (ours can, but doesn’t have to be, fancy), a couple of walks or hikes, a visit to a local zoo, a day or two at the beach. Also, they often whine during the activity but then I find out later how much they loved it. Our kids do way more screen time than I’d like (see also: pandemic) but we have better luck when we set those expectations up front (ex: you get time in the afternoon but not right when you wake up). Travel with kids can be tough but I love hearing what they remembered/loved the most after the fact. Good luck!
Anonymous
Zip-line parks?
Anon 2.0
Does anyone know if the heel on these is removable? I really prefer a dressy, heeled sandal with a removable heel. You really can never be too careful and at times, I need to be able to kick off my shoes, snap those babies into overdrive, and RUN. At the price point I really do expect some versatility.
Anon
Lol, nicely done.
Post-surgery gift ideas
My MIL is having knee surgery next week. We would like to have something delivered for her since we live across the country and can’t be there to help in person. She tries to watch her sweets and will have limited mobility for a while as she recovers, so don’t want to send unhealthy food and I can’t think of any healthy food delivery items. Any ideas for what to send? She is in the Chicago suburbs, if anyone has ideas for a local place that delivers
NYNY
When my mom had her first knee replacement, I sent a care package of books, fancy body lotion, and a barefoot dreams cardigan, which went over really well. But if you want to do food, Frog Hollow Farm or Harry & David both do fresh fruit gifts.
Anonymous
Edible Arrangements is ubiquitous
joan wilder
This is a well meaning but not good post-surgical option. These arrangements are very heavy, and when I had surgery a few years ago it showed up at my door and I could not safely lift and carry it into the house. I like the lotion/cardigan suggestion above. Alternatively, if she has some tech savvy you could also add a subscription to a streaming service she would like? Or book of the month club in a genre she enjoys? Everything I got was appreciated because it let me know people were thinking of me, but some were more practical for recovery than others.
Anonymous
Second this. And they are impossible to refrigerate without dismantling, so you have to eat immediately. And the last thing I’ve ever wanted post surgery is a pound of honeydew.
I did get some soup delivery that was awesome post-surgery. Just microwaved and they were healthy.
Anon
I recently had surgery and received a soup care package from Spoonful of Comfort. I thought it was great-the quality of the food was really good (surprisingly good, I thought).
Anon
Anon from earlier this week who had dentist anxiety.
I went in early this morning for a cavity filling apointment. The dentist numbed me but I was still too sensitive to do the fillings. Even after 3 sets of shots of novocane. So we decided for me to come back and retry another day, using something stronger. They didnt want to risk layering anything stronger on top of what they already gave me.
In the 20 minutes it took me to get home it was wearing off. Dentist said he’s never not been able to numb someone enough.
Ugh.
An hour later I thought I was having a reaction so I called the office to see if it was possible. Verdict: side effects, unlikely, stress/panic attack after the fact, most likely. Now Im exhausted and feel kind of hung over.
My childhood dentist did my first filings while I was still able to feel it. His response to my crying from pain, was to tell me to stop crying.
Anon
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I had the same experience with a childhood dentist and now have massive dental anxiety, especially when getting fillings. I haven’t been to the dentist in too long, partially because the last time I went, the dentist said I’d need a crown eventually and I just can’t even deal with the thought of that right now.
You are not alone and it really stinks. Take some time for self care this weekend. Last time I had a filling, I also had a panic attack later in the day and felt hungover the next day after that too.
pugsnbourbon
Oh I’m sorry. I’m glad the dentist didn’t try to pressure you to keep going when you weren’t fully numbed!
Anonymous
Are you a redhead? It’s apparently common for redheads to have high tolerance to pain medication.
Senior Attorney
I think there are dentists who specialize in these kinds of cases and will even sedate you. Strongly suggest looking into that. And big hugs!
Anon
sleep dentistry for the win!
excellent for trauma cases, get someone to drive you
not a redhead, have had 16 shots (4 each upper and lower, inside and outside. still felt it)!
Anon
Are you a redhead by any chance?
anonymous
I have this issue! My teeth/gums are so sensitive I have to be numbed even for a cleaning. Can you ask for a nerve block? I need to be numbed with novacaine just to have the block done, but it is the only way I can get through even a cleaning, much less fillings. My dentist similarly told me they’ve never given someone so much numbing period, let alone for a cleaning.
Next time, I would ask to start with that! And no, I’m not a redhead (East Asian).
Deedee
Interestingly, my East Asian doctor told me (white with redheads in family & dark/strawberry blonde hair) that the anesthesia issue affects both redheads and EA ppl.
Anon
Is this (numbing for a cleaning) a standard thing? I don’t have any anesthesia issues but I have terribly sensitive teeth and gums and cleanings are beyond miserable for me. I know about sedation dentistry but am wary of doing that because of risks of sedation/general anesthesia. But if I could just get a Novocaine shot before a cleaning that would be awesome. Fillings have never been a big deal for me because of the novocaine.
Senior Attorney
Yes, that is definitely a thing and it is a total game-changer!
Anon
There are genetic differences in how well these meds work, with some real outliers. For some reason this is common in EDS patients (not saying that you have EDS; I’m sure you would have noticed other symptoms — I’m just saying that a good dentist should have a Plan B since it’s a real and known problem). I’ve heard sometimes it helps to switch numbing agents.
Anonymous
I also have a hard time getting numb. My dentist has noted it in my chart and we discuss it before I get any work done and schedule me to come in extra early so the meds can take effect.
Oddly, I also had a pediatric dentist who did not give novocaine to kids, so I had a filling done completely unmedicated as a child. It don’t think I cried but I sure did feel angry about it. (I am not suggesting a correlation/causation of any kind, just commenting on our common experiences.)
Anon
I have this same problem. If you happen to be in NYC, I can recommend my dentist who is extremely used to dealing with it. Novocain does nothing for me — I’ve had 8 shots and nothing. Not sure what my dentist gives me but it’s strong — my heart usually starts beating like crazy and I feel like I’m having a panic attack. Just be prepared for that as a possible side effect of anesthesia.
Also, my epidural didn’t work and I’m sure it’s related.
Good luck! I still hate dental work but I’m not nearly as terrified now that I’m with a dentist who can deal with it.
Anon
hard to numb here and this side effect happens to me plus nausea
Anon
My grandmother had this! She did not respond to novocaine at all. She’d take an asprin and grin and bear it.
See if you can find a dentist who uses nitrous. My grandmother had that when giving birth and said it worked well.
Sharing is Caring
I have the option to purchase shares in a small, privately owned tech company where I used to work. The shares expire soon so I need to make a decision. I would fund it from our savings account and it’s about 9% of what is currently in there and it’s about 2% of our savings + retirement accounts. I think I am having issues because on one hand, I think at some point the company will sell and I’d stand to make a great return on investment. On the other hand, I’m sort of harboring some ill will towards the company and it feels weird to own shares in a company I don’t think is great long term. WWYD?
Anonymous
Absolutely not
Curious
+1
Anon
+1
Anon
If it’s only 2% of your savings, I would buy the shares if you think the company is going to be sold at some point and would make a profit. But if you hate the company or people there, and would be resentful every time you thought about it, It wouldn’t be worth it to me.
Anon
You don’t have to buy all of the shares. Buy some to get some upside. Don’t buy all if you have ill will.
Anon
How would this investment fit in with your desired asset allocation? If it fits, go for it. If not, don’t.
Anonymous
Buy and make a profit. No company is totally amazing, so that should not be your standard for investing in this one either.
Pharma anon
I worked at an horrible company 15 years ago and a few weeks before leaving I had the options to buy shares. I bought for 5K. I work in R&D and knew that the product we were developing had potential but management was terrible- it was a public company, not a private I must add. 18-20 months later there was a press release about the good results of the trial and the shares increased by 700%. I sold all of it at that time . It tanked soon after. My only regret is not having bought more share when I had the chance and price was low. The money helped me buy my first condo. Think of it has an investment, do not think about the company.
Anon
Put aside your feelings and figure out if it’s a good investment or not. Sounds like yes. Buy the shares.
Anonymous
I’m 33. I have gone on a half dozen dates with a 47 year old. He’s a divorced dad (one elementary age kid) and business owner. He treats me well- is kind, has never crossed a physical or emotional boundary, wants to travel together and meet our respective families but isn’t pushy about it. Gave me a meaningful but inexpensive gift recently. I like him, but the age gap is …weird when I think about it.
I have also been on a handful of dates with a 23 year old. He’s a recent grad, works two part-time jobs after getting laid off during early Covid, also kind and treats me well, but is a little more pushy – like the 19 year olds I dated in college. No kids, but has a dog. He’s more fun, up for anything, and because I don’t expect much of him, I am pleasantly surprised at things like, he got his car detailed before picking me up for a recent date (first one I hadn’t met him at the venue).
I am at the stage where I want to just focus on one guy and see if it works out. I met them both through friends (different groups). I think I have the best long term shot with the older one, but then I get in my head about him being older and I get all morbid.
Who would you pick?
Anon
Neither of these sounds ideal to me for the reasons you articulated. The older guy sounds great at this stage of life, but I can see it being hard when’s 65 and retired and you’re only 51, and I wouldn’t want to be a caregiver to an 80 year old man at 66. But between the two, it seems like the older guy is the clear choice.
Anon
Honestly neither. You don’t have great things to say about either dude.
I don’t think being ten years older is an inherent problem, but the 23 year old is in a much younger stage in his life – it widens the figurative gap. I’m 31 and could not imagine dating a man who just graduated college that reminds me of a 19 year old (!!!) because I’m much further along in my career and life.
I am in a long term relationship with a guy significantly older than me so I also feel qualified to say that you don’t seem excited about 47 year old either. If you think 33 and 47 is “weird” now (it’s seriously not objectively weird but you get to decide if you don’t like it), it will be more “weird” when he’s 50 and you’re 36. Also, if you want to have kids, that should factor in here in terms of what kind of relationship you hope they’ll have with their father. My dad was 19 with his first child and 45 with his last and fifth and there were certainly trade offs in energy level and related things.
Anonymous
Neither, if you’re hoping to have children or a long-term future. 14 years difference only gets bigger as you get older. The older man is only 18 years away from retirement, when you’ll only be 51. Also, if you want to have kids in the next few years, the 47-yr old will be well past retirement age when they start college and I think it’s highly unlikely the 23-year old will be anywhere close to your time line. To be honest, a pushy 23-year old guy sounds like this 35-year old woman’s worst nightmare to date.
Dr. The Original ...
It sounds like you’re trying to make one of them the right one, but if either were, you wouldn’t need us to help you choose. I think neither are the right one at least at this point. If you’re thinking of kids, probably neither are the right fit due to ages. If you’re not, either decide to keep having fun with them both until someone asks you to be exclusive or you’re over them or, if you only want to focus on a potential forever thing, let them both go and keep looking. I hope it means you’re on your way to finding the right someone, it sounds like you’re really good at finding guys who treat you well (something many of us haven’t yet mastered)!
Anonymous
Yeah, I vote neither if you want to have [more] kids. The young guy won’t be ready for a while, and you frankly don’t have that much time. He also sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do still. The older one is too much older. I did not feel this way when I in my early 30s but now that I am 45 and my husband is 53, I worry a lot more about being a caretaker when we are older and am glad our age gap isn’t any bigger. There is a really big difference between a 66 year old and an 80 year old, you know? It does not help that my husband had a stroke the week after he turned 50, for reasons that are probably not age-related (he has a rare autoimmune condition that can cause blood clots, which was previously undiagnosed). But between that and seeing how my parents’ aging has really accelerated in their 70s, it would give me pause.
Anon
Neither. Keep going. These are not your only choices.
Anon
Really depends on your goals. I’m not willing to date someone significantly older because I’ve spent so much of my life performing eldercare. The younger guy sounds more fun, but I’m also not interested in having kids. If you want a Standard Issue picket fence life, neither sounds right for that.
Anon
If you’re asking a bunch of internet strangers I think the answer is neither.
Senior Attorney
Team “if it’s not ‘hell, yes!’ it’s ‘no.'” By which I mean you’re not excited enough about either of these guys so I think you should keep looking.
Scorecard
Lukewarm for older guy: 1
Lukewarm for younger guy: 1
Don’t date either of them: 8
Coach Laura
I read this last night as an internet spoof or a late April Fool’s post.
The answer is – neither or both. Keep with both for a while. It doesn’t feel like you are missing the love of your life if you don’t choose one now.
If one or both are making you choose now, that’s bad. If you feel you have to choose now, then I think you are putting too much hope on a long shot – or two long shots. Give it more time – it shouldn’t be a hard choice if one is really right for you.
If you want kids, neither may be a good option for someone getting close to 40 where their fertility may be an issue. Does the older one even want more children? The age gap itself isn’t weird unless you want kids and he doesn’t.
But when you’re 50 – still young – he’ll be 65 and ready to retire/think about retirement. Will you want to/be able to retire? Working while a partner is retired works for some of my friends, isn’t as good for me or maybe you. When he’s 75 and really slowing down, you’ll be 60 and maybe ready to see the world and experience things – will he be healthy enough? Will you travel on your own if he can’t? No one has a crystal ball, no one is promised health in old age and someone who is healthy at 60 may not be at 75 but if there is an age gap, it makes some things harder.
The younger one you aren’t expecting much from – has he indicated that he’s ready to have an exclusive relationship?
Anonymous
Since you feel the age difference is off now, and morbid, when he’s 47, it will be even worse when he’s 50, or 57. I would not keep dating older guy.
Since you feel he’s pushy or immature, I would not keep dating younger guy with a long-time view.
But if you have fun and there’s some quality regular gardening, both could work for now, but neither sounds great long term.
Anon
Neither for long term. Maybe younger guy to have fun with this summer. Also depends on what you want out of life! Do you want the 2.5 kids, white picket fence? I don’t think either will give you that so if that’s what you want, break it off and sign up for a dating app.
Anonymous
I’ve been invited to an event next weekend and could use help with appropriate dress. The event is framed in the invitation as a “masquerade ball” to celebrate a milestone birthday. It’s for evening in the Northeast at a private residence. A man close to the host said he intended to wear a black suit and thought probably long length dress for women would be appropriate. I have a masquerade type eye mask I can have with me to wear or not wear after gauging on the spot what other people are doing on that.
For a dress, I’ve ordered and received this one: https://www.macys.com/shop/product/lauren-ralph-lauren-metallic-sleeveless-side-slit-gown?ID=10512966&lid=pdp_details. I was hoping it would appear shimmery but subtle. In person, it’s more bling-y than I’d like as I usually don’t like to stand out. Do you think it’s too much or just right for this occasion? Any other suggestions?
Thank you for any input.
Anon
The dress’s cut is pretty sedate, so to me the bling seems appropriate for the occasion — but alas I don’t actually have any personal experience with masquerade ball birthday parties, so I’ll be curious to see what others say!
Anon
I should say that I love the dress (I don’t mean sedate in a bad way! Just that it’s not “too much” despite being sparkly).
Senior Attorney
I think it is great! Obviously the birthday person wants the party to be fancy and blingy and I think this dress with your mask will be great.
That said, don’t wear it if it’ll make you feel self-conscious.
Coach Laura
I think it’s just right. That fabric might be too blingy if the dress had flounces or ruffles or sequins or jewels on it or a full skirt but it’s very classic, very reserved in style. I think it would look great with a masquerade-type mask. I don’t like to stand out but I’d think that that dress is perfect.
Go for it
That is a beautiful dress. Plus your mask you’ll be perfect!
OP
Thanks, all! I appreciate the encouragement.
Anonymous
After 2 years of barely leaving my house, I somehow have three black-tie events to attend in May. I am really struggling with shoes. I was never good at heels, and after two years in slippers, I honestly don’t think I can wear them for more than an hour. Add to that the fact that I have always had problem feet, and I am really struggling to find shoes to wear with a floor length gown. Can anyone recommend any COMFORTABLE low heels?
Smokey
I don’t have a specific recommendation but I usually wear a dressy sandal with a formal gown and find them to be more comfortable than a closed toe heel.
Anon
Agree with this. My problem is a wide and oddly-shaped forefoot, so I always struggle with a painful toebox. Dressy open sandals take that issue out of the equation.
Anonymous
I think the truly comfortable heels are wedges. What about a medium height wedge sandal?
Anon
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B07W4C3DWQ?psc=1&ref=ppx_pop_mob_b_asin_title
Wore these for (my) wedding and they were great! I hate heels and haven’t worn any for years, but I happily wore these for 8+ hours without any issues.
HairyAnon
I really need a new hairdryer! I have very, very thick hair, below shoulder length. It also needs to have a decent length of cord. What are your recs?! Thanks!
Anon
My Dyson Airwrap was a great investment! I love it and it cuts down drying time by a lot.