Thursday’s Workwear Report: Kimono Sleeve Dress

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1. When first starting at a small firm, is it better to get work from all of the partners in the honeymoon phase or focuse on getting more work from existing partners that one already has work from? Recently made the switch from biglaw, where life is better when I focused on one or two partners at a time. Not sure if the same is true in small law however.

   1. In the beginning, I would try to get work from multiple partners. I think you’re right that life is better when you only get work long-term from one or two partners, but when you are new I think it is valuable to work with a variety of people so that they have some familiarity with you and will come to you when they think they have a project that suits you in the future. Also, small law associates in general are much more vulnerable to losing all of their workload if a partner leaves, so being familiar with multiple partners may provide at least a little insurance against that scenario.

      1. Thank you so much!

      2. I made this switch somewhat recently. Agree with the poster at 10:26. Seems to be the norm to work with all the partners in my practice group, although it is natural to work best with certain people and as a result end up working with them more long term.

2. How do you change your written work product so you don’t sound”too nice”? I have have three attorneys at my new firm comment that a letter or email I drafted was “too nice.” One woman, two men, all in their 60s to 70s. In each situation I used a template/ sample from that attorney or a male had drafted. Think demand letters, cover letters for responsive docs, etc.

   Is this influenced by my appearance? To the extent it matters – am young looking, petite, early 30s. I often wear skirt suits (pants are hard to fit) but avoid pastels, florals, bows etc. I don’t get any comments about being too nice in my interpersonal relationships at work and am not a doormat – but written work product seems another story, at least at this firm. I am not adding “please” but also am not taking it out if the sample had it.

   1. perhaps your communication needs to be more assertive and direct…..are you writing with confidence and directly asking for what is needed? are you specifying a date for completion and requesting reply to confirm understanding? Are your written communications getting respect and response or are they ignored? are you writing crisp and concise communications or using too many words to get your point across? I don’t think this has anything to do with your personal appearance….reevaluate your writing.

      1. +1
         any time I’m using another person’s work from the firm server I take out passive voice, etc.

         I get the frustration of receiving criticism from a document that someone else wrote, but take the opportunity to use the sample work and edit it for your own voice. Some of this is just the pitfalls of re-using other documents without adding your own flair to your work.

   2. I really doubt feedback on your written work has anything to do with your appearance. Can you say more specifically what the feedback is? Generally you want to be polite in any letter to opposing counsel, because it will probably be attached as an exhibit in court. Even when we hated opposing counsel, we made liberal use of “please,” “sincerely,” etc.

      1. The feedback is “this is too nice” and the changes generally remove any “please” and “thank you” and change any “we may seek legal action” to “we will seek legal action.” In all three instances, the original “nice” phrases were in the sample provided to me (one, I found from a male partner). So I am not adding anything polite or nice, just party names, dates, or a paragraph summarizing the dispute. Should I start removing “polite” references in drafts?

         In case it is relevant, two of the three were letters for the assigning attorney’s signature. I get that personal preferences change, but I am trying to see what I need to change after getting the same feedback in such a short period of time.

         1. It might be case specific situations. If I have a case that I am still investigating but need evidence preserved I will use the “we may seek legal action” type phrasing. If I know I have a really good case that I wouldn’t hesitate to put into suit, I’ll say “or we will seek legal action.”

            I don’t think it would be inappropriate or defensive to go back to the person requesting the changes and say “I just want to understand for future cases, this template on case Y said x and for this case we are saying z. What is different about this case?”

            Also, while you of course need to please the higher ups, there is nothing wrong with being nice. Everyone has their own style. I am very nice to opposing counsel and deponents and I find they really drop their guard and give up way more info than when I’m doing an aggressive interrogation and they are on the defensive.

         2. From my experience, these kinds of comments often have nothing to do with anything and are more whim based. Like, they might not like the defendant, or who ever you are sending that letter to that day. Or they just are not feeling nice that day.

            1. All helpful. Thank you!

            2. Agree it’s often whim/case based, but I think it’s always helpful to do a read-though on those type of letters and remove any of the verbiage that we (especially as women) have been trained to include: “I think…”, “I feel…”, “We believe…”, “we may/might…” It sounds way more assertive without those types of phrases.

   3. I see you’ve met implicit bias. It’s pervasive in the legal profession (and, um society). You will be critiqued more harshly for being “nice”. You will also be critiqued more harshly for being “aggressive”. It’s a tricky balancing act. Take your queues from your mentors – I actually think it’s great that they’re supporting you in being more direct. Many women (including me) get the opposite feedback. Even benign follow-up emails are read as harsh unless they’re peppered with niceties (e.g. I was told that this email was aggressive and unkind – “Hello, I’m following up on my below email from last week. Are you available for a call on Friday to discuss? Regards, Me”). Oddly enough, women tell me that the tone of my emails is “confrontational” and men tell me I’m too nice. I think it’s great that both men and women in your office are giving you this very useful feedback.

      1. Just a tip I’m sure you’ve considered by now, but I make a point to tailor the tone of my emails to the audience. If I’m emailing someone a bit more direct, I will be more direct with fewer niceties (e.g., no please, no dear, no hi or hello, no regards or sincerely). If I’m emailing someone who I have a more cordial and warm relationship with (and, yes, those tend to be women), I will use a friendlier tone.

         I often find emails that use the same intro and salutation to be annoyingly harsh, saccharine sweet, or fake, depending on the sender. A specific example: I once had a boss whose auto signature included “Kind regards, Jane Smith.” Drove me bonkers. She was a bit of a hardas* (military experience, very demanding, hard to read, difficult to please, I could go on…) but the lack of a tailored sign off made it even worse.

   4. One thing to mindful of though is developing your own style. I am nice to opposing counsel, and I think civility in the profession is something that’s often lost in the name of “advocacy.” If it’s my name on the letter, it’s my reputation and I’m not changing to be someone else, and I’m going to be “nice.” There’s a balance, obviously, but it’s hard to tell if you’re dealing with the “be aggressive, be be aggressive” types or the passive voice/meek phrasing-I don’t sound like I believe what I’m saying issue.

      1. There’s an email plug-in (works on the mail of g00gle anyway), called “Just Not Sorry” and I’ve found it helpful in removing some passive voice. Pretty sure it was recommended by someone on this board!

   5. This might not apply to your specific situation, but here are a few ideas:

      Instead of: “Hi Tom, If you have time, it would be great if you could review the document and make sure I didn’t miss anything. Thanks!”
      Try: “Hi Tom, I’d like for you to review the document before it goes to the client. Please let me know if you have concerns.”

      Instead of: “Sorry if I wasn’t clear, but the client wants the document by Tuesday. If possible, could you please send it by Monday?”
      Try: “As I mentioned, the client wants the document by Tuesday. Please send it by COB Monday.”

      Instead of: “I’m sorry for the hassle, but could you please include me on that meeting invite? I’d like to join since I’ve been working on this project a lot.”
      Try: “Please add me to the meeting invite.”

      1. Funny… The counsel (male) that I work for totally uses the first way of speaking when asking me to do something. The kinda passive way. But we are in BigLaw and he is above me in the hierarchy so I know he’s just being polite and that what is clearly meant is the second.

         1. +1. The partner I work regularly with uses a (short version of) the first way (e.g. “Would you take a second look to make sure xyz is uvw?” “How about we add abc to def part?”), but it’s clear that he means the second.

            I do the same with my junior associates to varying levels of success — some (male) associates (esp. clueless first years) really did seem to thing I was making suggestions and not commands/requests. Gah.

            Now I use the (short version of) the first way with associates I work regularly with and my assistant (all of whom understands clearly that I am making the effort to use a nice way of saying the second), and the second version with everyone else.

   6. Just a grammar fuss–many of you seem to be confusing passive voice, which is a very specific sentence construction, with gentle tone. Passive voice is a way of writing sentences that disguises who the actor is, by placing the action and result most prominently, for example, “this comment was written.”

      It used to be standard in the sciences, but generally considered a bad habit in other types of writing. So you could edit your emails for both passive voice and “sounding too nice”…

      1. I would think every lawyer would know passive voice, it was beaten out of us in law school (at least it was at mine). FWIW, I have actively stopped asking questions I don’t care or want answers to. Stuff like: ‘let me know if you need anything else.’ I work with regulators and they.will.let.me.know. if they need anything, I don’t need to add it, and I think it helps me be taken more seriously.

   7. It could just be a style thing. I am nice to opposing counsel because I see no reason not to be, and it also benefits me in the long run when asking for favors. I also don’t avoid florals, bows, and pastels (wearing all three right now actually). I am who I am, and this is my communication and personal style. Full stop.

      Alternatively, these attorneys may just be poorly expressing that you don’t communicate directly enough. Your communications with opposing counsel should be direct, no “I think” or “we might.” It helps to write and speak in short sentences too, fairly laconic. It helps opposing counsel know what you want, and hopefully also helps resolve or tee up disputes faster too.

3. Someone please talk me down. I’m completely burned out at work when I shouldn’t be. I recently made partner (first female partner in my office in at least 10 years) and am generally well-respected and doing well at my law firm. However, I’ve had basically no motivation the past two months, which is very unusual for me. I’m usually very driven. I would like to think that this isn’t caused by some subconscious “well, I made partner, so I’m no longer motivated” type of thing (note: I made non-equity, so there’s still another goal to reach, equity partner). I have a history of depression, but that has been well-managed for a while. I feel ok in my life outside of work. But all I can think about is leaving the corporate world and doing something not even related to the legal field, with a much lower salary, in a state that my husband and I wish we lived in. I’m turning 39 this year, so maybe this is an early mid-life crisis? Not really sure what I’m looking for in terms of advice, maybe I’m just looking for commiseration, and feel free to tell me to just snap out of it.

   1. You have been working a long time and recently achieved a goal – this sort of “let down” feeling after achieving a goal is normal…..how about taking a break for a week to get some distance and perspective? This usually works for me – I come back more motivated and refreshed…..just take off for a few days and disconnect completely. Congratulations on your achievement!

   2. Congratulations! I’m still an associate but I’ve heard from MANY partners that the first year or two of being partner is very difficult and they often questioned if making partner was worth it. The demands and expectations are very different. Would it be out of the question to speak to other partners who can mentor you about the transition and what kinds of goals to set? It does sound like you’re someone who is motivated by goals so maybe breaking down what the new ones are in this role will help.

   3. Commiseration here – also a new non-equity partner and not feeling as motivated as usual. No good reason other than maybe long-term exhaustion and maybe there’s a sense of exhaustion in contemplating a long road ahead (not just to equity, just life as a law-firm partner). I’m trying not to stress about it – get done what I need to get done, be positive, and recognize it’s a marathon – keep trekking ahead and my normal motivation will surely return as time passes and I settle into this new life phase.

   4. Maybe partner was not what you really wanted, and you only realize that now that you have it?

   5. No advice, but commiseration. Also turning 39 this year. I am well-compensated for my region and on track to take part ownership of the firm I work in, but I feel unsatisfied and not motivated. I have been struggling for over a year with my productivity and trying different strategies to overcome it and haven’t cracked the code yet. Part of my strategy this year is to take more personal days and a few short trips.

   6. I’m assuming the ramp up to make partner was pretty intense. You’ve been working hard for probably a couple of years. Of course you’re burned out. It was going to catch up to you sooner or later. Take a long vacation and then come back and figure out a better work life balance. Invest in other interests and hobbies.

      A lot of partners lament that they didn’t “take advantage of” – whatever that means – their first year or two as a new partner. I think it’s because they experienced the same thing you are. They were burned out, didn’t have an immediate goal to work toward, and they just sort of languished for a year or two. But this is a time to invest in things that can lead to business development and also (and more importantly) enrich your life and career – get involved in a nonprofit, join a board, do some pro bono, mentor young associates – whatever you really enjoy doing that can also double as “marketing”. You can get your life back, cut down on the billable hours, and not send a message that you’re slacking at work.

   7. Commiseration and a bit of my experience with a similar slump. I have been treated for depression for a long time and it’s been well-controlled. But I recently hit a really bad phase where I would have almost entire days of accomplishing nothing. When it had gone on a while (6ish weeks?) I finally made an extra follow-up appointment with my psychiatrist to see if he had suggestions or thought it would be worthwhile to tweak my meds. He has declined to do so in the past when he thinks it’s more situational and just a get-through-it phase, so I trusted that he wouldn’t add something because it’s the “easy way out.” He added Wellbutr*n to my current depression med and it made a difference within a week to ten days. I also “fessed up” to many people in my life that I was struggling with motivation and they started holding me accountable (gently), which helped a lot. I still have to make a point to **get something, anything** done in any given day but it feels doable instead of hopeless.

      TL;DR: Call your psychiatrist if you have one and tell them how you’re feeling. Just because you make an appointment and ask their advice doesn’t mean you need different or more meds, but gives the professional a chance to exercise professional judgment.

   8. This is difficult. A few recommendations-
      – Try your firm’s EAP. This can’t be the first time someone in your firm has gone through this.
      – Put some feelers out there for other jobs of interest, since that’s something you are thinking about. You never know what you will learn. You might find something awesome that is totally different from what you thought you wanted to do, or the exercise might make you realize that you actually are in the perfect situation now, or anything in between.

      Also, I have to say, “snap out of it” is not a reasonable response here. Your reaction here is valid and should be dealt with. Misplaced heroism is how/why attorneys have all sorts of wellness issues. And being a junior partner is tough. Associates don’t always realize this, but it doesn’t get easier when you make partner – it gets harder and differently hard. Make sure to take care of yourself and do what makes sense for you.

   9. If it makes you feel any better, you’re not even the first person to ask this question here! This is super common. I definitely experienced it when I made partner. For me, it was this – I am someone who has looked to external measures of success my entire life (grades, AP tests, SAT scores, college admissions, college prizes, law school admissions, getting a good law firm job, making partner, etc.). Making partner was exhausting (so I was tired going into that first year), but it was also the first time in my life that there wasn’t a clear further step (equity for us is a nebulous process and not everyone gets there). That left me feeling lost and led to a lot of reexamination of my life. All to the positive, but it’s a pretty standard feeling.

      FWIW, this experience is common to most people who’ve dedicated years getting to a particular goal. There’s an article about Tessa Virtue out right now that really highlights it (I forget what site it’s on, but you should find it easily with a search).

   10. I’m an academic, not a lawyer, but the tenure process has some strong parallels. And almost everyone I know who’s gone through it talks about the ‘post-tenure funk.’ You spend a long time working for a particular goal, then you get it, and it…doesn’t change much. Pie contest, more pie, etc.
       I’d be gentle with yourself right now. Definitely stay on top of your depression meds and maybe consider counseling, but also think about how to do nice things for yourself outside of work. Go on vacation! Pick up a weekly yoga class, or whatever equivalent strikes your fancy. Take a day off work to go to a museum and have a long lunch.
       FWIW, I think a lot of academics come out the other end with a renewed sense of purpose and invigoration in their career, but it’s a process. Getting the brass ring means the freedom to figure out what *you* want the rest of your career to look like, with less pressure to pass every choice through the filter of how it will look during the evaluation process. That can be terrifying at first, but when you figure it out, it’s great.

   11. When I recently started feeling that way, it was an early sign that my antidepressants were petering out.

       Interestingly, my depression is well-managed again, but I still dream about leaving law to do something fluffy, like open a beach town ice cream shop :D

   12. Ooh, you are me, except that I did NOT make partner this year. Jan and Feb have been just bleh. I don’t know if it’s the weather, or normal seasonal affective disorder-type blahs, but my give-a-d@mn has just been broken. My billable hours these months is going to eat my alive later this year when I have to make it up. In some weird way, I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who goes through this. “Get something, anything, done” is my mantra right now.

       1. Not sure what’s going on this year, but I will echo the sentiments of just feeling overall blah and unmotivated. A post-holiday slump isn’t so uncommon through a couple weeks after Christmas, but I feel like I never got my groove back. Planning a vaca somewhere warm to try to snap myself out of this funk.

4. Thanks again to this community for all the voting help! I’m neck and neck with the person who used to be in third place, so clearly, everyone is working their networks teehee. =p You ladies have been AWESOME in your support. Voting ends today, so I’ll report back if I win!

   1. I voted yesterday and today from all of my browsers, but please post the link so more can vote today!

      1. Thanks so much! I’m afraid of annoying people by posting the link (pretty sure I ALREADY have annoyed people), so I’m not going to post it again. =x The website hosting the voting and awards is called 3dincites though, so if someone cares enough that they really, really wanted to vote today, that gets you there through Google. XD

   2. I voted. Good luck!

   3. Please post the link again.

      1. I’m afraid of annoying people by posting the link (pretty sure I ALREADY have annoyed people), so I’m afraid to post the actual link again. =x 3Dincites is the name of the page, though, and there is a link on the homepage directly to the voting. Name is Amy Lujan in the Engineer of the Year category.

         1. Posting the link in the comments is NOT annoying! :)

         2. OMG just post the link again. If people are annoyed (which, who cares, they can deal) it would be with your comments in general, not the actual link.

            1. Duly noted. XD

               https://www.3dincites.com/3d-incites-awards/2019-3d-incites-awards-vote/

   4. https://www.3dincites.com/3d-incites-awards/2019-3d-incites-awards-vote/

      Here it is!

      Vote for Amy Lujan!

      Woo hoo!!

   5. Voted again – it’s really close! My fingers are crossed for you!

      1. This is not a Russian Election, but guess what, I voted twice also! Don’t tell anyone! YAY!!!!

5. People with cats in apartments, I need your litterbox expertise! I’m moving from suburbia to a large city, which will mean downsizing from a house to an apartment. Right now, I keep my cat’s litterbox in an out of the way corner of the house. If she throws litter everywhere, it’s not in a heavily trafficked area, and if I forget to scoop one day (gross, but let’s be honest here, it happens to everyone), the smell is somewhat contained.
   In the apartment, there isn’t really a spot that is this removed from the central activity of the home. What is the best way to keep a litterbox clean and inconspicuous in a relatively small space? Open to suggestions of types of litterboxes, brands of litter, any advice you have!

   1. I found one of those litter mats that has a pocket – that helped to keep some of the litter they tracked when they hopped out at bay. If they’re okay with covered litter boxes, definitely look into those. If they won’t do a covered box, see if they’ll be okay with a big box around it and up the sides. That helps to keep it covered a bit without the overhead that freaks some cats out.

   2. If you have space for such a big box, this is the bestest. It was recommended to me, and neither i nor my freind hardly ever get litter on the floor.
      https://www.amazon.com/Favorite-25-Inch-Enclosed-Hooded-Litter/dp/B00MHDQ9SA/ref=pd_m_ba_rp_of_3?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=QJPRSPZYFQ2ENE345RRG

   3. You can get a litter box enclosure that looks like furniture. I have one in a dark wood that looks like a bench, but there is an opening on the side for the cat to get in. Mine has two compartments so any litter left behind gets left inside the box. Then you can lift the lid to clean the box. I actually don’t use this any more and my cats just use it as a perch and sometimes they will hide in there if they are scared.

      I use unscented Cat Attract brand litter. The cats still track it around, but I found it is the least dusty. If you are keeping the box in an enclosed space, less dust might be better for kitty.

      1. This is what we do– an enclosure that looks like furniture. We put an air purifier right in front of it. When we’re good about changing the litter, you can’t tell it’s there.

      2. Also live the apartment life. We have a box that looks like furniture. We have it in a corner and the opening faces a wall. Below it we have a rubber mat with “holes” that catch any litter. Since the opening is 6 inches from the wall, the cats have to walk over the mat. We scoop it daily and vacuum around it every 2-3 days. We find scooping daily (yes it’s a chore) and changing the entire litter weekly works to eliminate (almost!) all smells.

   4. I bought one of the litter boxes that have an opening at the top. It has been much better at keeping the mess inside, and keeping the smell somewhat contained, at least compared to a regular litter box.

   5. We had someone on Etsy make us a wooden bench that has our litter box inside it, with an opening on one end for the cats. It has a cushion on top and sits in our entryway and gives us a place to sit and but shoes on (or drop our bags). It was originally designed with an inner wall with a hole in it that basically forces the cats not to leap out and keeps the litter even more contained, but one of our cats is too fat to fit through that opening, so we had to take it out. Anyway, it definitely contains the litter and smell, but we still have a mat inside it and outside, and some litter gets tracked in the area. We have 3 cats sharing the one box. We use Everclean litter and only scoop it about 3 days, and I swear our apartment doesn’t smell (I’m very sensitive to cat pee smell). I think we originally came up with the entry way spot because it was easier to gate off in the layout of our old place, when our son was a crawling baby, but we kept the layout because it works pretty well.

   6. I guess I don’t find that my litter in and of itself smells, even if I forget to scoop for a day. I use Dr. Elsey’s that I have delivered from Amazon and I sprinkle in some Arm & Hammer litter deoderizer when I remember. Put it on a litter mat, which contains a lot of the mess. To hide things and give your cat some privacy, you can try a covered box. Before you spend money on something new your cat might not like, you can experiment with a cardboard box cover for your existing litter box – cut a hole for a door and duct tape it to the sides of your existing litter box, and see if your cat is cool with it. I do find that the smell can concentrate in whatever you’re scooping the used litter into – I recently moved from a small flip top garbage can to a litter genie, which I find effective at trapping any smell, and take out the bag probably every 5 days.

      1. I use the biodegradable poop bags they have for dogs (although mine is labeled for cats too) to scoop into every day, tie it up, and throw it in my regular trash. No problems with smell there (and I think they also have lavender scented ones).

   7. As a fellow small apartment dweller, this resonates. If your apartment has ample closet space, you may consider dedicating a closet to the litterbox/supplies (we have not much square footage but lots of storage space, so we put the litter box in a small closet with a bulkhead and keep the door slightly ajar at all times). We also use the Purina Tidy Cats Breeze litter system, which has honestly been a gamechanger re: smells and ability to keep clean/tidy (the litter is dehydrating pellets that we replace every few weeks and there’s a tray w/ a replaceable pee pad below that we change every week).

   8. I think the furniture idea is a good one. I recently found a litter mat that I wish I’d gotten years ago, because it’s a total game-changer. I can’t find the exact one but it search for the ANDALUS mat and it looks like that – kind of like hair knots but rubbery and traps so much litter. I’ve been shocked at how much litter it holds when I finally shake it out. We got it when we moved recently and we went from needing to vacuum up litter a few times a week to once in 6 months.

      1. Buying one of these right now. I have 2 mats – one that looks like a yoga mat and one with grooves. There’s still litter everywhere so I’m willing to try anything. Thanks!

   9. My issue was more forgetting/not wanting to clean the little box daily, but we invested in the Litter Robot and it’s been totally worth it (2 cats). It’s totally crazy and space age looking but it handles smells really well. May not be exactly what you’re looking for in a small space, but we have it in a closet and it works well for us.

   10. I use the breeze system with pellets – they don’t get everywhere and the smell is well contained. I second getting one of those pieces of “furniture that the box can go in.

6. Need some advice on what’s normal to expect from your dentist. My husband and I have noticed that our dentist’s office is “pushy” about getting us scheduled for more services. For example, I went to dentist for normal cleaning and happen to have a new employer and new insurance company. I have healthy teeth and gums. Dentist comes in and does normal 2 minute exam and says OK, I have been watching this tooth for a while and we’re going to do the filling. Now, there is no cavity, but the gum is receding a little bit…..he says to me “you don’t have any decay but I’m going to submit this to the insurance company like a filling even though it is not” …he doesn’t ask me for permission to do this, doesn’t ask if I want this filling, just tells his attendants to schedule me…..I say OK and go to the checkout counter. They eagerly schedule me for 2 days later (funny how you can’t get in for a cleaning appointment for 6 months but they can squeeze in a filling on short notice). I didn’t feel right about this, how he said he was going to bill my insurance company even though its not a filling, so went home and discussed with my husband. I called back and cancelled the appointment – they urgently wanted to reschedule and offered several dates…I said, this isn’t an urgent matter so I will call back to reschedule. Now this morning, the office calls my husband and says “we see you have a new insurance company, would you like to come in for an exam and xrays?’ My husband reminded them that he is not due for a cleaning for 5 months…..we find this to be rather aggressive behaviour by this practice (and it is a large practice) to schedule services and bill our insurance, including for the wrong services! Please give me some feedback on your experience with dentists….we have been going to this practice for many years and really don’t know if this is normal.

   1. This is not normal or appropriate.

   2. If there are other dentists convenient to you, I would consider switching practices. I went to a pushy dentist for a while (not in the same way yours was, but kept pushing whitening and other optional treatments) and just got tired of it and switched.

   3. This is very common, unfortunately. Even my own dentist, who I totally trust, tries to schedule me for literally the exact 6 months after my last cleaning. And my daughter saw a dentist in her college town who told her she had 9 cavities that needed filling – she didn’t schedule any work and sent the xrays to our local dentist, who told her she needed a couple of fillings and it could wait until winter break. Seems like most have an aggressive business model, and some actually tend to outright fraud. I would look for a practictioner that doesn’t do this; ask around. Anyway, you can always decline the unnecessary treatment, as you did.

      1. Yeah, getting your teeth cleaned twice a year is normal, it’s not strange that your dentist tries to schedule that.

      2. I agree. I go 3x a year for cleaning’s, and 2x for exam’s, and 1x for x-rays. I have no issues with my teeth, and my dentist loves my teeth and wants to date me. But he is over 60 and divorced with kids my age, so he is not for me. I could never even imagine him huffeing and puffeing on me. FOOEY!

   4. It is not normal. I would switch practices and potentially give your insurance company a heads-up that he planned to bill them for work not done.

      FWIW, I had a dentist like this early in my adulthood. I ended up with several fillings I don’t think I actually needed, two of which failed and resulted in root canals. A good dentist is like a good mechanic – you want someone who truly has your interests at heart, and who knows how to take care of you without overselling work you don’t really need.

      1. I had a dentist like this in my 20s, and the (totally unnecessary according to current best practices) fillings he gave me ended up having decay underneath them. As far as those teeth are concerned, I would be better off today if I hadn’t seen this dentist at all. I had another dentist hard sell veneers every time I saw him, even though he admitted that they’re damaging to teeth. (Nothing against veneers, but it feels like a conflict of interest for the person who looks after the health of my teeth to also offer cosmetic services at the expense of the health of my teeth?) In general, I’ve found dentists are more like veterinarians than like MDs–whether they’re good or bad seems to come down to their personal ethics.

      2. Am I misunderstanding something? If you ended up needing root canal, doesn’t that mean there was decay, which you’d try to spot early enough so you can just do a filling. Sometimes you still need root canal, but saying you didn’t actually need the filling makes it sound like the tooth was fine when it clearly wasn’t.

         1. In this case, the endodontist said the fillings were done so poorly that they didn’t take, and about a year later I had big issues that should have otherwise been avoided. It was the endo who gently counseled me to find a new dentist.

         2. I was told that there were alternatives to drilling that are more appropriate for the issues my teeth are susceptible to.

      3. Same thing happened to me in my mid-twenties. A dentist told me I had 9 cavities, after my insurance refused to pay for the first 5 and it took me a year to pay them off, I switched dentists. Then moved after law school back to my child hood dentist. So 8 years and 2 dentists later, I still haven’t had to fill those other 4 cavities. I am so livid about this to this day. And more livid now that I see it’s rampant!

      4. +1 to anon a mouse. You want a dentist who you trust has your best interests at heart.

         I went through a handful of dentists I/my family didn’t totally trust as a kid/young adult. I volleyed between likely unnecessary care and not going often enough. Then I found my current dentist, who doesn’t push anything on me except flossing and I’ve been loyal.

         It’s totally worth it to hold out for a solid, ethical dentist. She takes insurance and gave me a student discount when I was still in school and didn’t have insurance.

         My only regret is not immediately getting up and leaving when a previous dentist seemed sketchy, like the one who basically told me not to worry my pretty little head when I asked him to explain what we was going to do and why.

   5. I went to the same dentist from elementary school through my first five-ish years post college. I needed an occasional filling but never had high-maintenance teeth by any means.

      Moved to a new city, got new insurance, had to find a new dentist. Mentioned to the new hygienist that I’d been seeing the same dentist forever. Somehow went from nice teeth and a great x-ray to needing $3,000 worth of dental work in 10 minutes, after the hygienist very pointedly told the dentist “she’s been seeing the SAME DENTIST HER WHOLE LIFE.”

      I was a little shell-shocked and agreed to schedule the most crucial fillings, since they made it sound like all my teeth were about to rot out of my mouth. I started doing research immediately, because it seemed unbelievable to me that I suddenly had so many problems that my previous dentist had never mentioned. I talked to people, sent my mom on a fact-finding mission to my old dentist, read up on a bunch of stuff…and it turns out that dental scams are not that uncommon. I mean, “scam” is maybe too strong of a word, but there are a lot of pushy dentists that are out there to charge every. single. thing. possible for their bottom line, whether or not it’s actually in the patient’s best interest.

      And guess what, it’s four years later, I’ve done like, three fillings, and I still have all my teeth. I talk to the dentist’s knuckle-size diamond every time I decline further services.

      1. I remember in my early 20s, when I was extremely strapped for cash and life-or-death anxious about it, getting quoted one price before getting fillings and then having the bill double after it was done because the cavities were “bigger than they were expecting.” I distinctly remember fighting back tears in the reception area trying to hold my ground with the receptionists. It was awful.

      2. I have a counter-example to this. I also saw the same dentist until moving for college, everything was always fine with him. I developed pretty terrible dental hygiene habits and he never ever called me out on it. At one exam, I asked him to check out the one tooth that was feeling a little funny. He said it looked just fine. Got root canal on it and a neighbor two years later.

   6. This does not sound normal to me. I’ve been seeing my dentist for almost 20 years and they have never pushed me to schedule additional services. When I am at my regular cleaning appointment, I schedule my next one for 6 months out because I like to get morning appointments and they fill up quickly. I’ve had legitimate issues with cavities that need filled, but they have always been billed properly through insurance.

   7. Not normal. In my state, there has been an explosion of dentists in the past decade and the business has become saturated and quite cutthroat. I’d start looking for a new practice.

   8. If he said he’d bill for a filling without doing one, its insurance fraud. Feel free to report him to your insurance company.

      1. OK, thank you! Well its actually even weirder….he wants to do a filling where there is no decay because the gum is receding and bill it as a cavity filling…..that’s still fraudulent I assume

         1. In case anyone else is confused by why you would even do fillings in this case, I just googled it: (warning, very close closeups of people’s gums) https://straightupdoc.com/?p=1867
            I guess there might be a medical justification to do it, but it’s not in the list of billable items with your insurance. It’s doesn’t show great judgement that they discuss the billing fraud so openly with the patient.

            1. Oh I posted before I saw this. Interesting!

            2. Op here…uh yea, was kind of shocked that he told me he was going to bill fraudulently. My thought is that he must have a lot of patients that are not very knowledgeable and don’t question anything….he’s getting away with it and thought I would go along with it too. He didn’t even give an explanation for why he wanted to drill on a a tooth with no decay….just said hes been watching it and its time to do it. Interesting that all of this comes along as soon as i tell them I have new insurance…makes me think they look for opportunity to bill the new insurance plan/company. Thanks for all of the input…..I really appreciate it.

         2. I’m neither a dentist nor periodontist, but I have really awful receding gums and no one has ever suggested a filling for it. I got a gum graft a few years ago on a spot that was particularly bad. It seems to me that a filling would create more trauma to the gums in an area where you don’t want to do that. I’d get a second opinion.

   9. Ugh. Sorry you had to go through this. Definitely not normal and I would find a new dentist. I’ve had my current dentist for almost a decade, but there was a 1 year period where I had to leave them due to insurance issues. During that time, I went to a new dentist who was super pushy. I still remember getting my teeth cleaned by the hygenist who was really awesome and nice. She complimented me on how clean my teeth were despite skipping a cleaning. Then the dentist came in and started going on about how my teeth are terrible and have I thought about getting a cleaning every 3 months because obviously my teeth are just that bad (!!!). It was extra super awkward because I remember the poor hygenist sitting there mute and looking uncomfortable as her boss undermined her.

   10. I have basically perfect teeth (not bragging, just thanking my DNA) but due to being with a “preventative filling”- aggressive dentist for a couple of years I now have several shallow fillings in my mouth. No dentist said I needed a filling before that guy, and none have since then, after i finally wised up and switched dentists. I recommend you do the same ASAP.

   11. Just no! Find a new dentist ASAP. As a person with a fancy car’s worth of dental work, this is not a best care practice for a patient. The goal is to save teeth in their original state with as little intervention as possible. I have used a prosthodontist for many, many years for this reason. I have crowns that are over 20+years with no issue. The restoration work I have was that flossing (I’m that old) wasnt a thing growing up …..coupled with a deep love of candy as a kid.

       I book a cleaning for 6 months at my appointment as I want a morning appointment. No one pushes me for any service, ever.
       It is a point to note though that my person gets paid in full that day and it’s definitely outside what my plan will cover. They will submit to insurance & the patient gets reimbursed from their carrier directly. Here’s why: he does not want any insurance company pushing against best patient practice.

   12. This is normal with dentists, but it doesn’t mean it’s acceptable. I’d say at least two-thirds of the many dentists I’ve visited in my life have pushed unnecessary procedures. I don’t know why they aren’t more regulated; a lawyer or medical doctor could never get away with doing what dentists do.

       1. Yes. They never went over a cost/benefit analysis with me. I will never get a filling without a second opinion again.

   13. I went to a new dentist after a period of a deep fear of dentistry. I was really excited to get back on track again. I found the one of most reputable dentists in a one hundred mile radius of my home and one of only ones that accepts my employer’s dental insurance. First, I had a filling that wasn’t “installed” correctly, caused an infection, and it had to be done twice. Not fun. Second, I was billed incorrectly for the botched filling. I had to pay what I thought at the time was my co-insurance and co-pays. Six months later the dentist resubmitted the bill (that I had already paid) to my insurance company, and it was fully covered by insurance. In essence, my dentist told my certain portions of the procedure was not covered by insurance, so I cash paid. Then the dentist charge the insurance company and the insurance covered it, so the dentist was double paid.

       I live in a relatively small mid-west city and used this dentist after months of looking. There are no other decent options within the 100 mile radius of my home unless I forego insurance coverage and cash-pay or go back to double biller. Its very disheartening. I’m at square one with finding a decent dentist. I empathize with you.

       1. Fwiw, I’ve found a huge correlation between dentists that accept dental insurance (which in my area is a pretty small minority of dentists) and dentists that are scam-y. It’s why I no longer carry dental insurance and pay for cleanings out of pocket at my reputable dentist.

   14. Another shady dentist experience here – I had a weird episode of bleeding gums in grad school and didn’t have insurance. I freaked out and made an appointment with one of those national chain dentists because they advertised a $20 “consultation ” or something similar and it was the only place I could get appointment immediately. They ended up telling me I needed $2k in work, which was not happening on my $0 grad school salary. I read some reviews (THANK YOU internet reviewers!) that other people had bad experiences with this chain recommending unnecessary procedures so I found a groupon for another (better reviewed) local dentistry and they said I did have a minor cavity but nothing needed to be done about it. They recommended absolutely no additional work. Three years later, all of the reputable dentists I have visited (2 – 3x per year) in various cities have recommended not doing anything about that minor cavity.

       TLDR: Some dentists are liars and apparently get away with it a lot. Get a second opinion.

   15. Ugh! As someone else said, it’s normal but not acceptable. I don’t know what it is with dentists…they must all go to conferences about how to do enough unnecessary work to turn a great profit. In the course of moving to different cities throughout my 20s I encountered some really shady dentists (and have gone so far to ask for my xrays to be sent to previous dentists I trusted to confirm the unnecessary nature of what the new dentists were telling me I needed).

       My only advice is to keep shopping around until you find a dentist who instills a feeling of trust. Not to be gender-biased, but I go to a woman now who is wonderful. The girl-power side of me is inclined to believe women are better about looking out for what’s actually in the patient’s best interest, but I’m sure there are many contradictions to that theory. I heard a GREAT tip from someone once who chose her dentist by asking a friend who worked for BlueCross BlueShield for some names of dentists who had the fewest number of claims for fillings, etc, but I don’t know how you’d get that info without an insurance company hookup.

7. So I’ve worked my way up at BigLaw and our dress code has worked its way down.

   I’m struggling to look like the niche expert I have become (especially since I have young kids, my husband works, etc.). I am starting to travel frequently now that the former head niche expert at our firm has retired and I need to look a little more . . . august? . . . than usual.

   The only senior women I know are all at other firms. They are older than me and have $$$ to dress in all Hermes / St. John / perfectly tailored pieces. My budget is more mall-stores-on-sale, and I don’t think I could pull off St. John. Other brands marketed to older / wiser women seem to be all comfort-menopausal-stretchy-halfway-to-Boca, which won’t work, either.

   I’d like to be a shorter and less-toned Nice version of Claire Underwood, but I’m looking for good style models for older/wiser, esp in a trending-casual-but-still-need-suits-for-clients workplace. Fashion bloggers don’t really blog for this (or do they — open to recommendations).

   1. Talbots?

      1. This. Talbots is perfect for this. Red Fleece line is styled younger if Talbots main line is older than you are thinking.

         1. Red Fleece is Brooks Brothers, not Talbots.

   2. Spend to get one good suit each fall and one each summer. If you tell us your shape we can suggest brands. Shop Talbots, Antonio Melani at Dillard’s and Tahari for inexpensive silk tops.

      1. I’m 5-4 and often need petite jackets, regular pants (so 4-6P jackets, 6 pants and skirts). Flatchested but with hips (so BR Logan pants fit and nothing else except for Loft Julie’s). Feet are triangular, so Ferragamo or anything that runs narrow won’t work on them. Boden dresses never fit me and make me look pregnant. Their blouses have been pretty but often have 3/4 sleeves that bunch up under jackets.

         1. I am an inch taller than you and share your general shape and duck like feet. I like Brooks Brothers, Elie Tahari, Hobbs, and Lafayette 148 for suiting. I like DVF and Stuart Weitzman for shoes, both wear like iron.

   3. I’m low on the totem poll and young, but I really like Brooks Brothers and Talbots. If they’re stuffy, I find that tailoring them tightly helps.

      A lot of people also like MM.LaFleur, which might be too stretch or informal, but seems great for travelling if dressed up with lots of accessories.

   4. Scour Poshmark and Ebay for designers you like but you can’t afford to buy new. Budget for getting lower-end pieces tailored. Follow @abrabelke of Capitol Hill Style – she’s showcasing a lot great professional but interesting ensembles on her Instagram stories lately.

      1. This. I’ve gotten nearly all my St John jackets on eBay. A few in local consignment shops were priced double what I paid on eBay! They are super durable, stylish on my hourglass figure and take me year-round as our office AC is very robust… so also look at eBay when you find designers you like.

   5. I’d check out the Fold (thanks Houda!), my dream wardrobe lives there. Otherwise, Brooks brothers with some good UK brands (Reiss, Boden, Hobbs, LK Bennett) sprinkled in. Hobbs/Boden/Reiss all available in major cities and at Bloomingdales. This is where 95% of my ‘formal but not suits’ work clothes come from.
      FWIW, all the senior women at my firm default to jackets over skirts/dresses but very very rarely full match-y suits (unless they’re some sort of more offbeat quirky suit) so that’s been my model for dressing as I progress up the totem pole as well.

   6. I’m 38, and I buy a lot of St. John jackets off of Poshmark for anywhere between $80 – $120. They are in great shape. I am partial to St. John because they are so comfortable – it’s like wearing a cardigan because of the stretch. And I think they look really sharp over sheath dresses (which I buy on sale from J McLaughlin – machine washable and wrinkle free).

      1. Yes! If you figure out the sizing, there’s a lot of used St. John out there. The stretch makes it more reliable to buy without trying on than other brands, in my experience.
         I would also throw out Pendleton as a brand to look at. I find the quality there very good in comparison to comparably-priced brands. Like Brooks Brothers, styling can be hit or miss – there’s classic, and then there’s stuffy – but some of it is very nice, and tailoring helps.
         Also, people are obsessed with the MM Lafleur jardigan for a reason. It’s a great combo with a sheath dress.

   7. Look up Suistudio! It’s a little spendy, but the quality is great and I think the aesthetic might be what you’re going for, at least for inspo. I’ve also had great luck buying St John Sport on Poshmark.

      1. This reminds me, a while ago there was an article linked to from this site that talked about three new suiting companies targeted at women. Does anyone remember? I found all three intriguing but was pregnant at the time and not in the market for new suits, and now I decidedly am!

      2. Yes! Suistudio makes “short” jackets that totally work for 5’4″ me. The tailoring is lovely.

8. I loved Eloquii and happily shopped them, but had to quit when they were bought by Walmart, which is a store I just can’t shop. I had to do the same thing with Modcloth, which also pained me. I get why Modcloth and Eloquii needed to be acquired but I hate that I lost a store that I really enjoyed shopping.

   1. Thanks for letting me know about Eloqui- I was sad about Modcloth too!

   2. I didn’t realize Eloquii had been acquired by Walmart too. Bummer.

   3. Wardrobe Oxygen had a post about this:

      https://www.wardrobeoxygen.com/2018/10/eloquii-walmart-future-jodi-arnold.html

   4. So may I ask what your specific objection is? Are the clothes now being manufactured by different factories?

      1. I don’t like Walmart’s business practices or how they treat employees. So I vote with my wallet and I do not shop their stores, as much as I can. For me, that extends to brands they’ve purchased – Bonobos, Modcloth & now Eloquii.

      2. Yes, along with all the practices that I’m sure you are well aware of, they are now dodging property taxes in small towns by claiming they should be taxed at the same rate as the vacant storefronts of the businesses they have deliberately destroyed…It’s called the dark store loophole.

   5. Some of their clothes are so darn pretty (in a grown-up way) that I wish that they sold my size (6-8).

      I try to separate the clothes (designers, sewers, fabric sourcers) from the owner and just buy the clothes on their own merit. The designers of this and fabric choices are so, so good here that it would be a shame not to buy b/c of who the owner is. I mean, if something is publicly owned, it could be by 50% jerks and 50% great people. Or if privately owned (Marchesa), a company is still more than one person.

      My SILs are all petite/women’s sized shoppers and I am happy someone cares to cater to them. They work hard and have $ to spend and no one else seems to give a rat’s as$ about if they want clothes that are more than mere polyester tents (except Talbots, which has good workwear for them).

      1. Ah yes I’ve cut way back on my Marchesa ball gown budget since #MeToo

         1. Re Marchesa: I thought it was just me!

            But,srsly, you can pry my eloquii from my cold, dead hands.

9. Im looking for some slightly diffent casual pants. What kind of patterns and non-neutral colors will look artsy instead of preppy? And where can I get them?

   Most of the patterns in the store seem to be golf plaids, with a few navy & white polka dots. I dont think those in particular would work for me, but I’m not sure what I AM looking for, either…

   1. Maybe the cut of the pants also matters. A patterned palazzo will look a lot less preppy than some tailored ankle pants.

   2. My artsy friends (who are often artists / photographers / creatives) tend to do artsy near the face — shirts/blouses and scarves. And sometimes plain everything but a knockout jacket or accessory.

      1. Yes, I have noticed there are far more options that way. But I’m extremely top-heavy, with massive shoulders, a very broad face, and a flat pancake butt. So I have a plan! to dress for my body type :).

         1. I think hippy long skirts maybe then? Or is that too Stevie Nicks?

   3. Boden has printed pants, but I agree that printed pants are not generally artsy. Paint-stained, yes. (I went to art school and dammit, that degree isn’t good for much but I feel like it is giving me street cred here.)

      1. haha, yes, I have paint-stained (and bleach-stained) well-established in my wardrobe. But that’s not great for the graphic-design/tech office.

   4. Garnet Hill? Sundance?

   5. Old Navy Pixie pants sometimes come in fun prints.

   6. Not sure on the pattern front, but in my mind, artsy + pants = wide legged right now. Look at Everlane & COS for examples. Madewell has printed pants, but they read more hippy than artsy to me.

   7. Tucker silk pants are great.

10. Anyone have recommendations on getting your hair to grow out faster? My hair used to grow what felt like crazy fast, maybe an inch a month, but hasn’t snapped back after I chopped it off to be chin length. The first chop was about a year ago and then I got touch ups twice. I started growing it back out in July last year. And it’s growing back SO SLOWLY. I would say I’m at 3 inches longer. I’m getting married in July and would really like it to be at least another 3 inches longer for hair styling purposes. I’m 31, never had kids, in case that’s relevant. Any suggestions welcome!

    1. Protein, vitamins, iron.

    2. 3 inches in 6 months? Average rate of growth is 0.5 inches a month, so while you might be slower than your nominal, it’s not really that slow. So, that means you probably will get another 3 inches by July. well, maybe more like 2 (I guess it is almost March).

       I think hair is also supposed to grow slower during the winter months? So maybe you’ll make up some speed this spring?

    3. Make sure you’re eating enough protein, you can try biotin but high doses make some people break out so proceed with caution.

       With the wedding around the corner hairwise-speaking, I’d look in to clip in extensions — they don’t have to be super long or thing, and you can get your stylist to cut them to blend in with your hair naturally.

    4. If having long hair is that important to you for your wedding, get extensions.

    5. It’s probably genetic and age related. Not a whole lot you can do to make it grow faster. Also if the fall out/regrowth cycle is speeded up, it might never grow as long as it was. (sorry).

    6. My hair grows really quickly and is curly– last year I started co-washing (meaning no shampoo & massaging my scalp w/ conditioner for 5 min) and also stopped brushing my hair or combing it (I just finger comb it to detangle in the shower) and have noticed it’s growing even quicker than normal (which for me is meh, because I’m already a chia pet).

11. 1) crap I love this dress but no budget for a new dress

    2) did POTUS really just have a tantrum and shut down denuclearization talks with Kim Jong Un a day early?

    3) does that mean the entire trip was to try to draw press attention away from the Cohen hearing?

    1. Of course it was.

    2. Let’s not forget that Trump also decimated Title X regulations to “prevent abortions” this week, which will cut off funding and services to the neediest women in society.

       1. The funding has not been cut. Not one cent.

          For every PP that is not eligible, there are almost ten community clinics that can accept the money — and their range of services are so much more comprehensive than PP. Between that and the fact that they are available in cities, suburbs, and rural areas, this is a huge boon to women who cannot travel to PP or make multiple appointments.

          1. Lol where’d you pull “stat” that from, Operation Rescue? Heard it before, not impressed. We know that’s the argument you all are using to justify pulling federal funds from PP. Just stop it. You know your precious Hyde Amendment already prohibits use of federal funds for abortions. Comprehensive studies have shown that FQHCs do not have the capacity to absorb PP’s patients. Moreover, they do not specialize in reproductive health care. Your comment that they provide a “broader range of services” isn’t referring to reproductive health care–it’s referring to the fact that FQHCs provide primary care.

             “In 13% of the 415 U.S. counties with Planned Parenthood health centers, there are no FQHC sites providing contraceptive care. In another 67% of these counties, FQHC sites providing contraceptive care would have to at least double their capacity in order to serve all of the female contraceptive clients currently served by Planned Parenthood; in 26%, they would have to serve at least six times the number of contraceptive clients they do today. Put differently, 85% of Planned Parenthood’s contraceptive clients (1.7 million) are in the 333 counties where FQHC sites would have to at least double their capacity to provide those services, or where there are currently no FQHC sites providing contraceptive care.”

             https://www.guttmacher.org/gpr/2017/05/federally-qualified-health-centers-vital-sources-care-no-substitute-family-planning

             1. Thank you, nasty women, for the clarification. I felt like there was probably more to this story.

          2. Ha, that’s ridiculous. Those “comprehensive” clinics do not typically offer abortion services. And those “community clinics” were always eligible for Title X funds. This change doesn’t free up more money for them.

    3. 3) – yes. Did anyone ever think there was any other reason?

    4. Last I checked, walking away is a crucial negotiation tool.

       Also, last I checked, this is like the 4,749,384th time that Trump will start nuclear war in days!!!!!, and each and every time, things actually deescalated.

       1. He was walking away from a faux meeting that wasn’t necessary and had no substantive agenda. It’s posturing to distract from Cohen and no one with any basic knowledge of international affairs or the situation in the Koreas thinks Trump will do anything remotely useful towards a meaningful denuclearization of the penisula. Kim had to give up nothing to get the first meeting. Trump achieved nothing then and achieved nothing now.

       2. Yeah, because Trump has proved over and over again during his life that he’s such a good negotiator. *eye roll*

    5. It reminds me of that Veep episode where Selina met with the Chinese and beforehand her staff was teaching her how to correctly slap the table and say “This is unacceptable!”
       https://gfycat.com/menacingdownrightgrub

       1. I’ve heard that the Trump administration is the cast of Veep working off the script of House of Cards. . .

    6. I’m no Trump supporter but I’m relieved he walked. I was worried he’d do what he did last time and make a bunch of concessions for nothing concrete just so he could claim a “victory.”

12. How do you deal with an office that treats working moms way differently than employees who don’t have kids. I work in a team of 4 (one boss and 3reports) where the boss regularly gives special privileges to the working mom (she is married and has a working spouse, and also lives with her mother who helps out with the kids – not to say that she has it easy, but she is not a single mom/strapped for cash, etc.). She has 2 kids under three in preschool so she has to be out of the office by 5 everyday – which is totally fine, but my boss who is a terrible manager expects the other direct report and me to cover anything she misses (in-office meetings, teleconferences in the evenings, etc.) . This results in her being able to basically pick what projects she participates in depending on her availability – i get what’s left. She also gets to work from home when this option is not available to anyone else on the team. Just to clarify, she is the newest member on the team (so no seniority considerations) and I know for a fact that this was not negotiated during the hiring process. I am trying to be understanding and as helpful as I can to this team member, but it’s so discouraging when I get “inconvenient” job assignments and have no flexibility myself (butt in seat 9-6) yet get stuck with late night conference calls and early morning meetings because I don’t have kids to take care of. I know this is more my boss’ fault rather than the team member’s so I’m not trying to blame her, but I don’t know how to prevent resentment from building when I feel like I’m getting shafted everyday. (It only makes it worse that I have been at the job longest out of the three.) Is this something I can address with my boss (obviously leaving out the working mom part of it)? We have a good relationship and I have always gotten great feedback from him regarding my work. Or do I just suck it up? Any advice you ladies have would be appreciated.

    1. Yes of course bring it up to your boss. And then job hunt. It’s not her fault she’s asking for what she wants and getting it.

       1. I guess I don’t know to bring it up because my boss values face time so much. Except that family responsibilities trump this. I don’t “need” a work from home arrangement but just want to be less responsible for assignments/projects she was initially assigned to, but couldn’t complete because of the non-office hour commitments (I feel that she should be responsible to see these assignments through, and needs to make alternate arrangements if she can’t take a call at 9pm, for example)

    2. How do you know for a fact that she didn’t negotiate any of this? Because she told you? People lie to get nosy coworkers to shut up. I’m the working mom in this scenario. My boss lets me have this arrangement because I’m better than my coworkers at our jobs, even if I’ve been there less than the others. I know my coworkers don’t like it, but I’ve earned it and I make no apologies. If you want the same accommodations, ask the boss. If he really cares about retaining you, he’ll offer you the same schedule. If he doesn’t, maybe it’s time to job hunt.

       1. Thanks for the reply. I know because our boss told us when he announced the new arrangement (and also added that it would not be available to the rest of us because we need to be in the office to maintain an “image of availability”).

          1. this to me is the problem. i think trying to maintain an “image of availability” is absurd.

    3. Bring up what scheduling accommodations you want, and if he refuses to entertain them, you have your answer. At that point, use that information to decide if nothing ever changes, would you be okay in this job now? A year from now? 5 years? and either stay or job hunt accordingly. Don’t let resentment build up (I’ve made that mistake while hoping things would change, when looking back, I should have realized they weren’t going to). Use the information and make a decision. That part is in your control.

       I’ve had two jobs where once it was clear that I was expected to shoulder all holiday/night/weekend work because I had neither a spouse or kids, I started my job hunt and left as soon as something else was lined up. I feel fortunate to finally be in a place where I’m in charge of my own schedule.

    4. You say you’re the most senior. Are you expected to have more responsibility for the team than your peers? If so then I would angle for a raise on that basis. I would phrase it not just in terms of hours but also responsibility – you are the person who makes sure sh*t gets done when other people need to leave the office to lead their lives. You deserve to be compensated fairly for this role.

       If you don’t think a raise is in the cards, then definitely talk about the hours and flexibility. I wouldn’t push on the 9-6 issue, your hours are what they are. But if you’re consistently staying later than that then I think you can ask that the work be distributed more equitably. I would also want to talk about meetings occurring after 5 pm – it’s going to be very hard for the new employee to get up to speed and become an equal team member if she’s left out of all this stuff. It would be a feather in your mentor cap if you ask that meetings be scheduled when everyone can participate.

       1. Thank you, this is very helpful. I really appreciate it :)

    5. Without wandering into the working mom mine field,I’d suggest that you speak with your boss or other higher ups about your career path and workload. It seems like you’re a valuable senior team member here and that could be the source of your workload discrepancy. Regardless of the working mom’s situation, you should make sure you’re being compensated and recognized for your contributions. ( I do a lot more work than most of my team members, regardless of familial status, but I’m also better compensated and have better prospects for a promotion.)

       I think it’s perfectly fine to discuss wfh,priority of assignment,ect. with higher ups, without mentioning this coworker specifically. If you’re interested in wfh, propose a plan to do it and address any issues they may have. They can no longer claim it’s “just not done,” and you may end up getting somewhere.

       I sympathize with the perceived unfairness of the situation but I’d warn you against saying”it’s unfair because Susie gets to…” Often times, the folks who appear to be given “special treatment” are actually on alternative career paths or on their way out.

       1. Thank you for this. I agree that the perceived “unfairness” of the situation should not be raised.

    6. Is she really the only one who can work this schedule, or just the only one who avails herself of it? I work in a pretty laidback office. Most people work 8-5 with no weekend or evening work. When I was pregnant I asked for and was granted permission to work from home when I didn’t have any meetings (usually 2 days/week). When I came back from leave I continued that and also cut my in-office hours to 9-4:30 or so. I work in the evenings to make up the time. One of my coworkers saw my schedule and started doing the same thing. As far as I know, she never asked permission (and I haven’t really either) but our boss remains very happy with both of us. Our other coworkers are visibly seething at our flex schedules, but they’ve never asked for the same thing! Employers aren’t generally looking to hand out flex schedules, you have to ask for them or even just take them and see if anyone pushes back.

       1. Yea, I definitely understand that I didn’t ask for the arrangement (and that’s on me), but how do I make a case for a flexible schedule when I don’t have any circumstances that necessitate it? (Our office is not laid back)

          1. You just ask. You don’t need an excuse. Just because I don’t have kids doesn’t mean I don’t have a life. Maybe I want to go to happy hour, or a yoga class, or cook a nice dinner at home. Tbh I think you can just start doing this without asking permission to do it all the time – “hey boss, I have a call at 9 p.m. that I’m taking from home. I have some other things I need to handle this evening so I’m going to leave at 5 today to give myself enough time.”

             1. +1 Just ask for what you want! Use your words!

             2. We all have a life outside of work that is important. Doesn’t matter who or what is involved.

             3. The problem the OP described is that the single person is the one that has to interrupt every evening for calls at 9pm. And trust me, that’s a huge thing hanging over every night that you can’t let it go for more than an hour or two

       2. +1, my boss has actually told me that people have complained about my flexible WFH schedule, but never asked for anything for themselves. Also, as a former manager- you will look like a complainer if all you do is complain about your peer…. instead, ask for you what you want, make a case for it, and if it is denied, ask your boss what you can do in the next 6-12 months (or better yet come up with your own plan w/ specific goals to provide) to make it happen. If you don’t get what you are asking for- look for a team that values you the way you’d like to be valued.

       3. I hope to be a mom soon, so I want to have an abreveiated work schedule, but am of course willing to work from home. I just got a 32″ second monitor to attach to my MacBook, so I can work either at my office desk, or in the living room while I watch TV. I think we all need to be more accomodating to competent mom’s so that they will stay in the workforce.

    7. Stop thinking about this in terms of what you have v what your colleague has. Think about what you want/need and ask for it directly, without bringing your coworker into the conversation.

       1. Yes, agreed. Thank you.

       2. +1

          I’ve been the working mom in a similar situation. Other employees resented my flex schedule, but what they didn’t know was that I had another offer in hand, and basically told my boss that if I didn’t get flexibility I was leaving. None of my other co-workers were willing to take that type of risk.

          If you want flexibility, then ask for it. But don’t make this a working mom issue. Another co-worker was savvy enough to get what she wanted. Now it’s your turn.

          1. Except that higher ups don’t always value a flexibility ask unless it is child related, other offer in hand or not.

             I’d be laughed at for saying that I need to leave for trivia night, whereas you are respected for going to pick up your kids.

             1. + 10000000000

             2. In fairness, after a couple years where I normalized flex working, it became the norm and was offered to everybody. I tried to be a good performed to show them it could work.

                Sometimes in order to move an office culture towards change, there are baby steps. There’s a better case for flexibility for working parents, but eventually I hope it expands to everyone.

             3. That’s why it’s always an “appointment” or “attending an event.” My boss doesn’t need to know it’s a beer tasting, book club meeting, or bumble date. For all they know, a weekly standing appointment could be a therapist or ongoing treatment for a medical condition. How I chose to spend my free time is my business, and as long as I’m getting my work done and putting in approximately the same amount of face time as my co-workers (and I’m the only non-parent in my legal department).

             4. Tip that I tell junior people all the time, stop volunteering information you don’t need to. It does not matter why you are unavailable, the impact for the team is the same whether it’s because you have a competing work obligation, are picking up kids from daycare, going to a doctor appointment, meeting a bumble date or visiting a sick family member.

                I am now a mom but I started doing this years ago and just telling people “I have a conflict then” if something doesn’t work for my schedule. I proactively did this to set the stage so that when I became a parent people didn’t think I was “slacking” due to mom status. I’ve been doing this for a few years and have only once had someone press me on why I wasn’t available and that was a time I should have realized it was an important call and I should have done everything in my power to make it work.

             5. In my experience, taking off early or coming in late for recreational activities is viewed much less negatively than doing the same for kid-related commitments.

             6. Anon @ 1:57, so much this too— I used to be very open with co-workers about my personal life and now I am much less so after I got a lot of petty responses. I also just say ‘I have a conflict’ and do not explain further and feel like it has made things better overall.

    8. I’m the mom in this scenario. Ummm two kids under three is really, really hard. Even with support. I haven’t slept through the night regularly in four years. I am constantly on. She leaves at 5 but then she’s faced with a barrage of questions and demands until 8 pm at least. She’s probably physically exhausted because toddlers are super physically demanding. School or daycare definitely calls her about everything even though she works as well as her husband and has a MIL. It’s a phase I’m trying to get through, but it would be so so easy to stay home right now.I tend to assume everyone at my office has their own row to hoe and it’s up to the boss to balance things out. I’m also the most recent hire but get the best reviews in terms of efficiency, timeliness, customer service (my previous job was much more intense), so I am bringing that to the table. But I am so tired. I think the real problem is with any workplace with a culture that requires “the appearance of availability”!

       1. I definitely don’t mean to say she has it easy by any means. I can only imagine how exhausting it can be! I just wish that there would be more “balancing” by true boss.

          1. I get that. It’s something I worry about at work all the time. It does sound like you are trying to be sensitive. It’s tough being in these unflexible work environments!

       2. None of that makes her entitled to better treatment at work that others don’t have.

          1. What makes her entitled is that her employer is willing to give it to her. Sorry.

             The economy gets a free ride on my uterus. And yet, people are up in arms about the very very very few benefits that working parents get.

          2. None of that prevents her coworkers from asking for better treatment.

             She’s not entitled to anything and never said she was. Your comment is very “misery loves company,” in that you feel like just because one person was able to secure a better arrangement, it means everyone else is suddenly at a disadvantage. Not so. What is keeping them from asking? What is keeping them from collectively, together, going to their boss and saying we’ve seen this work well with other employees, let’s try it out for everyone.

             There’s never a need to keep others down so everyone can be equally miserable. Try for the opposite.

    9. I will tell you a story. I used to manage a large staff. One of my staff was a mom of two young kids. She left at 4:30 on the dot most days, unless we had a big meeting and she could arrange with her husband to do daycare pickup ahead of time (he usually did drop-off).

       I know the staff members who didn’t have kids complained about “picking up her work” but it wasn’t true. She was my most efficient employee and got far more done in 9 hours than they got done in 10-11.

       She was also extremely organized and responsible, and was the person I could most rely on to spot issues that were percolating and to be proactive about them rather than just assuming someone else would take care of them. She also logged in late at night from home to get to emails and other things she hadn’t gotten to during the day. I would regularly come in to a very good to-do today list from her that she had written the night before.

       I’m no longer in my old mangagement role, but guess who is – her.

       I know it’s popular to moan and groan about “special treatment” of working parents, particularly moms, but my experience has been that the deck is stacked significantly against working parents, and I’m always impressed at how well many of them overcome the obstacles.

       You may not know everything that is going on. I would recommend you pay attention to your own job and not worry about what other people are doing or getting away with in your opinion. Leave the managing to your manager.

       1. This x1 million. Most working moms I know log on after our kids go to bed, even if the rest of our offices don’t. People don’t get things for no reason. If your boss is letting her do this, she’s obviously very valued.

       2. I love this.

          How many times have you *really* had to pick up somebody’s work? Probably not that many.

       3. Exactly this. I wouldn’t jump to “she’s a working mom, and that’s why she’s getting preferential treatment.” IME, that is BS. Also, she was savvy enough to ask for what she wants.

          1. +1 you don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes. Don’t begrudge your colleague for having a perk you want (although its not clear to me you even want what she has) but haven’t asked for.

    10. If you have a preference on job assignments, I don’t think it would be a bad thing to make it known. You can’t get what you want if you don’t ask for it.

    11. Replace resentment over someone getting paid more with everything you described above — is your resentment rational? No. Someone negotiated a better deal than you. If you want that deal, negotiate it for yourself. If your company thinks flexible work arrangements are necessary to retain parents as employees but not non-parents, that may well be a rational choice on their part. You could prove them wrong by finding another job. Maybe reframing it this way in your mind will help you with your feelings.

        Do you anticipate being a working parent some day? We were all childless at some point in our careers. It’s the circle of life.

13. TMI question, I greatly appreciate any help. What type of doctor should I see for problems with very smelly gas? I’m looking ideally to take some kind of test to identify what foods to avoid, so I can get rid of this problem. Over the last year, after eating certain foods (potatoes and certain beans), I almost immediately get extremely foul gas. Needless to say this is really embarrassing, especially as I am in a role at work where I eat out a lot and have to interact with a lot of people. Clearly I can avoid those foods which I am to the extent possible, but am thinking that I could also be intolerant of other foods and that it is worth it to get tested.

    I live in DC, if anyone has a local recommendation. Thank you.

    1. Your PCP but if it’s just potatoes and beans this really isn’t a medical issue. Take some BeanO and avoid the stinky foods.

       1. Ditto beano. I keep a mini bottle in my purse, a bottle in the kitchen, a bottle in the medicine cabinet…

    2. A gastroenterologist. While you’re waiting to get in, try gas-x over the counter. Take it before your meals when you’re worried about this.

    3. Stinky gas in general can be a symptom of a medical condition, but if it’s only triggered by a handful of foods it’s not a medical issue. Potatoes and beans are known gas triggers. If you want to avoid gas, avoid those foods. Source: immediate family member is a gastroenterologist.

       1. I really thought you were going to be like, Source: immediate family member has stinky gas.
          But apparently we are in different families lol

    4. Check out a low FODMAP diet and you should pay for the Monash University app if you can. Doing the elimination diet is a huge pain but can pinpoint non obvious triggers beyond beans and potatoes.

    5. Have you tried intermittent fasting?

       1. Thanks everyone! Yes, I have been doing IF for the last few years.

14. A bra-fitting PSA in case it helps anyone else …
    I posted earlier this week about needing to figure out a different bra situation. I ordered a bunch of options off Amazon, and lo and behold, I needed a larger band size (36B instead of the 34B I’ve worn forever). It seems like most bra-fitting advice tells us to size down in the band and size up in the cup, but that turned out to be not true in my case. 34B/C (in every style) felt suffocating and terrible. I haven’t gained weight — I’ve actually lost a few pounds since my last fitting. However, I’m in my late thirties and apparently, the changes to my body are subtle but real. Surprisingly, I noticed it first when buying new sports bras. What should’ve fit, according to cup size, didn’t. Undergarments are weird, even for the average-sized.

    If anyone needs a budget bra option, the Warner’s Cloud 9 line is nice! Not top of the line, but soft and comfortable. I’d still like to splurge on a couple of prettier bras (recommendations welcome!), but this is a solid starting point.

    1. The reason for the advice to size up in cup and down in band is that a lot of companies will steer you to what is in stock, not what your size is.

       I am much happier in a 32DD than the 34D I had been wearing for years. But more places make the 34D than 32DD.

       By the way, even your description of your problem sounded like you needed a bigger band size.

15. Fellow travelers. I need your tips on a frugal or frugalish visit to Paris.

    I’m flying on miles and my hotel is using points thanks to my travel-heavy job. But meals, local transportation, and entertainment are on me, and due to several things happening with my finances all at the same time, I’d like to keep the spending for this on the low side.

    I’m not planning to never eat out, but I won’t have a kitchen either. I’m staying near Place Vendome.

    On the other side of the coin, if I were going to have one or maybe two splashy meals out, screw the money, where would you recommend I go?

    I will be there five days in late April.

    Thanks!

    1. I went after law school but before my clerkship started (and didn’t have a biglaw job lined up for after) so I was feeling very frugal. I lived on bread and non-fancy wine and it was divine. On spendy days: sandwiches and a little fromage.

    2. For meals, breakfast is a croissant or pastry from your local boulangerie. Cheap and delicious. Lunch is un pique-nique from your local marché or supermarket (for roughly 10 euros you can get fruit, bread, cheese, wine, and chocolate). Take the metro or walk everywhere, walking in Paris is it’s own attraction. Make a list of your personal must sees and spend money on those, skip the rest, and spend quality time in the parks, gardens, and walking the neighborhoods. It’s perfectly acceptable to sit in a cafe and just order a beverage (particularly outside the most tourist heavy places and not right at lunch time) and dinner doesn’t have to be extravagant to be good!

       1. This answer is so evocative. I’m strongly considering just having pique-nique foods for lunch now.

    3. I’m confused by your question. The best way to keep expenses low is by avoiding the “splashy meals.” One meal in a Michelin starred restaurant is roughly equivalent to a week of meals from cafes, crepe places and falafel stands, which are not expensive in Paris. (Fwiw, I’m not saying don’t go to fancy restaurants. I love them! But it’s the fastest way to blow any kind of food budget).

       1. I mean, you can have a spendy meal in any city and at any time. Being in Paris is the plus. You don’t need a spendy meal you can’t afford. Paris is the scenery, much like any fancy restaurant. You can have simple, inexpensive, and delicious food and enjoy the view. Spendy food is for a different trip or a different time.

          1. +1

       2. Frugal for most things, one nice meal out (maybe two but probably one). I don’t think that is difficult to imagine.

          1. Cheap food is all over Paris. Even a single “screw the money” meal (which, to me at least, is a lot more expensive than just a “nice meal”) will cost more than 5 days of eating at boulangeries and cafes costs. That’s what confusing to me.

             1. Can’t you compromise? There are a lot of good places that are not Michelin-starred and will cost you a lot less while still being very good. I go to Paris a lot and the Michelin-starred places are good but honestly not the experiences that stand out the most.

             2. Yes, I would love recommendations for places like that!

             3. OP, just go to the little cafes on every corner.

             4. There are a lot of good blogs with restaurant recommendations. I like Lost in Cheeseland and David Leibovitz. Note that a lot of Michelin starred chefs also have less upscale restaurants – for example, if you like meat, we had a great meal at La Rotisserie du Beaujolais, which is apparently a spin-off of the Tour d’Argent (across the street). I also really enjoyed Le Timbre in the 6th (it’s tiny so make reservations). I like old classic bistros like Lipp or Le Balzar too.

             5. Thanks EA!

             6. TBH I’d go for a splurge lunch rather than a splurge dinner — you get to sample delicious food but it’s a lot less of a hit to the wallet. Frenchie does lunch certain days and it was probably my favorite meal of the trip.
                If you hit “ahh there are cafes everywhere what do I pick???” overload, Rick Steves’ advice has never disappointed us.

    4. Paris is not a difficult place to live frugally. You can get amazing, moderately priced food from cafes that aren’t the Flore/Deux Magots tourist headliner places. If you want to duck into let’s say 2 museums or covered s!tes per day, the 6-day Museum Pass may make sense for you. A Navigo pass (rather than carnets) may also help you save on Metro costs.

16. How do you balance having compassion and setting boundaries with your parents?

    My mother has had a very high powered career all my life and there is always constant work drama. This has led to a lot of job hopping throughout my childhood. Although a lot of what she complains about is valid (horrible boss, lack of support, etc.) I’m at a point where I can no longer hear the day-to-day issues without bringing me down. She doesnt really have a circle of friends and I’m pretty much her only sounding board (my parents divorced when I was young, he was never involved). I’m at kind of a crossroads with my own career as I get closer to 30 and I’m really excited about my future. Its gotten to the point where we cant have a conversation about my work happiness without it turning into a conversation about her own work woes.

    I’ve been good at stepping away from unhealthy patterns like this with friends but this feels different and I feel ungrateful for feeling this way…

    1. Do not feel ungrateful. Set boundaries. I don’t have a great answer but simply failing to engage and seeing my mom less one-on-one has helped. I occasionally fall into the “I can help her fix this” trap but that always just makes my life worse. I suspect I am often an outlet because my father fails to engage (possibly purposefully). If only I thought having a reasonable adult discussion about it would help. (Trust me, I’ve thoroughly explored that option and decided it’s not worth burning down the house over.) Good luck and commiseration.

    2. Oh my gosh, I am in this boat with you. My parents are still married (and averagely happy), and have both worked at the same place in the same town for most of this century, but they both hhhhhate their jobs for various overlapping reasons and don’t have anyone to complain to but each other and their kids. And their reasons are good, like your mom’s – it’s true that the town they live in is a stagnant, sad sort of place where nobody wants to change or grow, and it’s true that their industry is getting harder and harder to work in, and it’s true that they’re a little old to invest time in learning all the new tech when they’ll be retired in a couple years, but isn’t it also true that they love certain aspects of their jobs, and that they get to work together and eat lunch together every day, and their commute is a hot 10 minutes? Is there no optimism to be had anywhere?

       I don’t know the best way to deal with this, honestly – my strategies at the moment are to direct the conversation to different topics (with varying success – it all comes back to this somehow) and to just not text back for a few hours until I’ve thought of something cheerful to say – I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone in this, and I agree that it’s incredibly frustrating and hard to see a clear solution.

    3. This is my mom (tg she retired this last year!). She is an amazing power house in her job, as a mom, as a human… but she also very much gets sucked into a vortex about how awful something is, even though a lot of times, I think it’s just normal work place drama she opts into plus an underdog complex and a little bit of a victim complex. 1st, I don’t call her or pick up calls from her if I’m in a bad mood (and I do normally talk to her at least once, if not more a day- we are very close). When I do talk to her, I try to remind her not to spiral- I’ll tell her she can’t control what others do, but she can control how she responds… and I encourage her to wait and sleep on her responses instead of firing back. Also, I remind her to get exercise, do things she enjoys outside of work (she also will get obsessed with a hobby and super into that, so I try to re-direct her to that). Good luck, don’t feel back about just saying- ‘I’m super busy at work this week, not sure I’ll be able to talk much.’ I was never successful at getting her to go to a psychiatrist, but still did try to suggest it- which may be an option as well. She was open to various herbal supplements which I do think helped (depending on how woo-woo your fam is).

17. Jumping on the train with all of the other medical questions today. I had what was supposed to be a minor oral surgery (biopsy) that has persistent swelling near the incision. I have gone back to the surgeon several times and he agrees it’s unusually and keeps poking around, but he says he’s not sure what it is and will have to cut it back open to see and/or correct. The incision itself looks fine and is healing. He is board certified and seems knowledgeable and experienced so I fely pretty confident he knew what he’s doing, but I’m getting very frustrated. This is my lip! I have not been able to leave the house in weeks because it looks like I had botched plastic surgery. I’ve tried to call around for second opinions and they are scheduling a month out which doesn’t really help me. Any experience with this or recommendations?

    1. You need to start leaving the house fat lip and all. To go to work at least!

       1. Luckily I can work from home because I’m too embarrassed to be seen like this.

    2. I had this same problem after oral surgery, and it turned out to be caused by a misplaced stitch at the incision site. The doctor took it out–which, I should add, was a deeply horrible experience–moved it a fraction of an inch, and the swelling went down by day’s end.

       1. OP: If you go this route, ask for xanax or pain meds up front and take them! I have had more than my share of medical issues in my life and adding xanax to the mix made it all (diagnostics, random prodding, etc.) much more bearable.

          Also, push on the other surgeons about a quicker new patient appointment. Make sure to tell the front desk person the whole story versus just asking for their next available appointment. Tell them you need to see someone within a a few days. Not saying it will work, but the squeaky wheel tends to get the grease in the US medical world.

    3. You could be allergic to the material used in stitches…happened to me

18. Has anyone been to Madeira? Considering it for a summer trip and wondering if people have general thoughts on it

19. Does anyone else find it really odd that he travels by train? I get that it is his own train and heavily armored, but it travels a known route slowly. I totally don’t get this except that it shows that NK is maybe 70 years behind the times as a very poor country where people are actually starving and that perhaps no one there dares sabotage it. I don’t think that real countries’ leaders do this (even crackpot dictators would likely feel very exposed at being on a train for 2 days).

    1. This is not even the close to the Top 20 weirdest things about Kim Jong Il but I thank you for bringing it to my attention.
       Some weird things that are in my Top 10 for North Korean Dictators are: Hair, fashion, treatment of women, love of pop culture, oddness of English translations (dotard??), use of torture…

       1. Yes — not to fat shame, but dude is something like a 4- or 5-star general. Apparently PT is not required?

          1. He put on the weight to look more like his grandfather once he became named as dictator.

             1. Dear Corporette:

                I recently got promoted to dictator in my country. How can I accomplish gravitas in a country where people are starving?

                Anon:

                Eat all the food. Will show them who is boss plus give you more presence. Even if the people are starving.

          2. LOL, I think that’s probably similar to the US president being Commander in Chief regardless of whether or not they ever actually served (cough) or the queen of England being head of the military there, and also probably related to the fact that Kim Jong Un was reported to have made five holes-in-one the first time he ever played golf.

       2. TBH, the treatment of women and use of torture are Dictator 101. So not odd considering his line of work.

          Dictators also have odd facial hair, not head hair, so that is truly unusual.

          1. Most dictators are ugly AF. Gaddafi, Chavez, I know there are more that I can’t think of off the top of my head. I don’t know if being a dictator makes you ugly, ugly people are more likely to be dictators, or both.

       3. Dotard is a fantastic word to describe Trump. I don’t think it’s odd at all that he used that word.

    2. The UN sanctions prevent him from buying a new plane.

       1. I’m surprised that he has even an old plane — maybe a zeppelin? A biplane? Do they have to whittle their own replacement parts out of wood?

          1. This made me snort.

          2. Old post-WWII soviet plane that it’s flight worthy anymore apparently

    3. Kim Jong-un is the current ruler of North Korea. Kim Jong-il, his father and the previously ruler, was scared of flying and that’s supposedly why they all use trains. I’m sure there is an economic element too.

       1. My bad — hard to keep dictators straight.

          I would not be so scared of flying where it would be so easy for the country I’m starving to death to blow up my train. It’s not a state secret where the tracks are. So curious why this has not happened. It seems to be asking for it to happen.

          Not to mention, US train service is not great (Oregon train stuck for 30+ hours this week). I can imagine that a legit accident would take his train out, never mind sabotage.

          1. I don’t think the US is the standard to compare train service to, though.

             1. +1 million. Trains run a lot more efficiently in most of the rest of the world. Obviously not a fan of KJU, but I love trains and would love to ride everywhere on a train. I find it far more comfortable than a plane trip (although of course I don’t have a private plane).

             2. I like the Acela. I don’t think that I would like it FOR DAYS. Especially amid a population that, if they ever got wind of how the rest of the world lives, might arrange for all of the (likely) deferred maintenance on the track to result in my untimely end. DC-NYC or NYC-Boston is enough train time for me.

          2. It’s actually not surprising that this hasn’t happened. He exercises an enormous level of control over the country and has created a demi-god type status for the leader.

          3. His people absolutely love him and believe everything he says (sound familiar?). They only have access to state media, and genuinely believe he is trying to save them from other evil actors. They believe food shortages are caused by the US, etc. I’m not saying no one in the world wants to assassinate the guy, but it’s not his own people.

             1. OMG this is so awful — in the US we would probably riot if our wifi speed was slowed down and can mock world leaders at will (and we are not getting starved to death). That this is true is terrifying — North Koreans have very little left to lose.

20. Has anyone else whose thighs touch dealt with very noisy (swishing sound) pants? I’m + size 14 and certain pants make noise when I walk. Can’t notice when outside but it’s embarrassing in an office environment. I’ve noticed this especially with the MMLF foster pants and a couple pants from Lane Bryant. I want to check out some pants suggested here but am now paranoid if they’ll make sounds. Any suggestions or people with similar experiences? Thanks!

    1. I’m a hippy 6 and I hate this, too. Not an issue in my BR Logan pants. Has been an issue before though.

       1. +1. Size 6. In most denim, I sound like a cricket. And am concerned I might start a fire.

    2. You must chill. This is a normal part of human existence. No one else cares. At all.

    3. Yes, this happens. Certain types of fabric make noise when you rub them together. Other types don’t. When you try on the pants, test them for noise as well as fit, and send them back if they make noise, just like you’d send them back if they didn’t fit.

       1. To me, it will always be what cheap polyester sounds like. Dislike!

    4. I really doubt anybody notices.

       1. And also, even if they do, who cares? You’re just walking; you’re allowed to make noise and take up space in the world.

          1. +++

       2. I think this probably just blends into the office soundscape unless you are literally wearing windbreakers. But if it’s annoying you, it’s worth avoiding for your own sake. I have definitely demoted clothing that makes noises that annoy me before.

    5. Thanks for your replies! I’ve tried different fabrics and know it happens with some more than others but point well taken to try and take this off my worry list.

21. For those of you who were in law for 10-15+ years esp in a traditional combo of biglaw, in house and/or government but then left law, what did you leave for? Has leaving been a good move or do you have regrets? Bonus points if any of you were litigators though I’d like to hear from all.

    1. I only practiced law for 7 years, all in law firms as a litigator, but I left to do marketing/communications in a niche field related to the field I was litigating in. I like it a lot, except for the giant paycut, but I lived frugally in Big Law and saved a ton, so my small salary goes further because I don’t have any debt to pay off. I also have a husband who works. I don’t know that I’d be entirely happy on this salary if I were single.

    2. Spent 5 years in litigation in BigLaw, moved to government doing advisory work last year. I thought it would be great. The hours are amazing, but that’s where the improvement ends. To be honest, I’m bored. I miss the in depth research and writing, the fast pace nature of litigation, and working with a team of my colleagues in furtherance of a case. Government is slow, and I’m not challenged by or interested enough in the work (even though it’s somewhat related to the type of litigation I did). Very seriously considering going back to a law firm, even though I know the hours will be worse, so that I can do work I truly enjoy.

       It’s all trade offs – I think some people would be happy in a boring job with good life balance (and no judgment, I thought I would like that path), but I need more out of my job/career at this stage in my life, personally.

       1. You may be happier in an advisory role at a private company. That’s what I do and it has worked out great.
          I hear you on the gov stuff- it’s the move that my husband made a few yrs ago… and while it works great for us at this juncture in our life, I think eventually he will move back to a faster paced job similar to mine.

22. Has anyone whose thighs touch dealt with noisy (swishy sound) pants? I’m + size 14 and have had issues with some of my pants like MMLF foster pants, a few Lane Bryant styles making noise when I walk. It’s not noticeable outside but very loud in an office environment and kind of embarrassing. I’ve tried to think about different fabrics but so many of the pants I’ve tried eventually make some sort of sound. I wanted to try some of the pants suggested here but I’m paranoid they’ll all be noisy too! Anyone have suggestions or have dealt with this?

23. What to do to get BO stink out of a blazer? I’ve tried alcohol, bio kleen, and probably mistakenly, taking it to the dry cleaners. Is the smell baked in, or is there any hope? I really like the blazer and it’s part of a suit set with a dress and a pair of pants, so I really want to save it!

    1. Have you tried sunlight? Turn the jacket inside out, and hang it outside.

    2. I’ve had better luck with Kids’n’Pets than with other enzyme cleaners including BioKleen (not sure why). It does have a reasonably pleasant smell of its own that eventually dissipates. Is the blazer genuinely dry clean only, or could you try wet cleaning it using a “wet cleaning for dry clean only clothing” method?

       1. Depending on the fabric, you may be able to clean it with water and a mild detergent, or simply vinegar and water. I have some wool-blend dresses and blazers that I wash under the arms with a vinegar/water blend and it works just fine. The vinegar smell is gone after it fully dries. Definitely check the label, but it may not actually be dry clean ONLY.

    3. I’ve had success with Four Monks Cleaning Vinegar (Aroma Controlled, 6% Concentration). Spray, let soak, wash (or dry clean?). I suspect you might be able to make your own.

    4. Magic sports spray (test small area 1st)
       In clean spray bottle combine:
       1 part peroxide / 1 part wintergreen rubbing alcohol

    5. Steam it.

    6. On this subject: can someone remind me what the proportions are for the vodka spray to eliminate odors? I want to try it, but don’t want to ruin a dress/blazer by not diluting enough if that’s necessary. I find my ponte dresses with sleeves seem to develop more of an odor than other materials and am thinking this may be the solution.

       Thanks!

    7. You could also try putting it in the freezer for awhile.

24. who again is benefitting from the new tax bill? DH and I had twins mid 2018 and at least we don’t owe anything, but we are only getting a $200 refund

    1. You need to look at your total tax liability to properly assess how the tax bill affected you. I learned from this page that the Republicans changed our withholdings, so most Americans got a bigger paycheck every month, but a much smaller refund. A smaller refund doesn’t mean you paid more tax. Your total tax liability is likely lower, but possibly not if you live in a high state income tax like CA or NY.

       1. +1 whether or not you get a refund/owe has nothing to do with whether you are paying more or less taxes. This is a personal pet peeve of mine. Although I do sorta love that a bunch of people who are actually benefiting from the bill think they aren’t because I think it’s bad policy and I hope people vote out the republicans.

       2. It’s not just CA or NY where the change in the state and local tax deduction can substantially hurt. It’s a huge percent of the country that has taxes about the new levels. I live in DC and make substantially less than BigLaw money. But I still paid more than $10k in local taxes and can’t deduct it all, which means I’m paying more this year than last.

    2. As much as I hate it, I am. I am still in the building phase of owning my own (service) business so my income increases somewhat substantially each year. For a data point: my total income increased from $70k to $94k, AGI from $57k to $81k, but my marginal rate dropped from 25% to 22% and my effective rate from 38.2% to 37.4%. I benefited substantially from 199A, even though I am in an unfavored profession (law), and think it is a really terrible provision in many ways (why are lawyers penalized but not architects? lobbyists, that’s why; why is the income limit somewhat low? service professionals tend to have higher incomes and higher schooling expenses). Also, I’m pretty peeved that I couldn’t deduct any student loan interest this year because the of the income limit ($80k AGI).

       Also, it did not impact me, but note that a refund is not reflective of what you actually pay in taxes, and that the withholding calculators were really terrible last year (I’m convinced that was not entirely accidental–the exec branch wanted the tax cut to increase paychecks, which it did, to the detriment of many families’ refunds). They were bad enough that there is a special exception for non-prorata payment of taxes (usually if you pay at least 90% in withholding or estimated payments you will not owe a penalty, for 2018 that is dropped to 85%).

    3. You are. Most likely. You paid less all year.

    4. DH and I benefited. Our AGI increased by about 15k to 355k, and we paid about 30k LESS in tax than 2017. We didn’t itemize due to the SALT cap, and took the standard deduction. (Getting a refund, but total tax paid is what is relevant as others have said.)

25. This is absurd, I know. The answer here is a t shirt and shorts and comfortable shoes.

    BUT.

    I’m taking my 3 kids (5, 3, 9 months) to Disney in April. I need to buy all new clothes for summer because after 3 kids my clothes are all maternity wear, the wrong size, or hideously out of date. I don’t need to look like a hot mama, but I would like to look like my clothes fit in the family pics. Maybe vaguely on-trend comfortable mom?

    What sorts of things do y’all wear for casual stuff in the summer? Not resort dress wear, but daily wear that ideally is a smidge nicer than running shorts. Looking for general brand recommendations for basics, and ideas for what to wear on the bottom. My legs aren’t great but I’m pretty much too old to care. And shoes? Do I just wear my gym sneakers? If not, what’s trendy-but-comfy? Would also like a 2-piece, probably tankini. Am I right that lands end is my best bet?

    I’m a hip-y (not hippie :-)) size 10/12, and tall. Don’t care about nursing friendly shirts.

    1. Look at Athleta for travel / casual visuals. Also “The Mom Edit” has good nicer casual looks.

       I am Team Rashguard over 2-piece suits. I hate sunburn. And we all wear them. I get mine from Lands End but Cabana Life has very cute things also.

       My casual wear is often Lands End rashguard material dresses (machine wash / hang to dry / no iron needed) b/c they often have patterns and look cute. Or shorts (often 5-6″) and a cute top. Athleta shorts and skorts work for me (I’m a pear).

    2. Do loose shirts in a woven linen or cotton. Not knit material like a t shirt. You’ll be much cooler and look better.

       Any pants or shorts. But I’d probably wear lightweight ankle pants to prevent sunburn.

       The most comfortable shoes for walking you can find that you are sure are broken in before you go.

       And a hat that you won’t mind wearing that can be crushed into your bag for rides.

       Source: family trip to Disneyland in July every year

    3. Old Navy would be great for the kind of basics you are looking for!

       1. A MILLION TIMES yes to old navy shorts. they come in different lengths for modesty/no butt hanging out and the patterns the last few years have been so cute

       2. Old Navy, Loft & Target are my go-tos for summer wear.

    4. This isn’t what you asked, but you should try looking at http://www.lindseykubly.com. She has three kids and generally shows outfits for casual wear that are basic but functional.

    5. I bought a pair of Grasshoppers for walking around theme parks. They aren’t the most stylish things, but are quite comfortable without being too… blah.

       Casual clothes benefit a lot more from being properly fitted and reasonably new than for being stylish (at least for the price conscious).

    6. I bought a pair of shorts from a Columbia store that are similar in fabric to hiking pants. They pack well and can be handwashed in a pinch, as they dry quickly due to “performance” fabric. After years of wearing JCrew bermuda shorts, I love them. I plan to check back this season to see if they offer something similar. Just thought I’d mention since I never would have thought of Columbia as a brand for regular rather than outdoorsy wear.

    7. Having just returned from Disney, wear your best most supportive sneakers, shorts (Caslon or Wit and Wisdom are nice at Nordstrom) and a different t shirt every day.

    8. I love Lands End for swimsuits. I wear a lot of rashguards too but they make me insanely hot if I can’t cool off in the water. I have some long sleeve chambray shirts from H&M that I like to wear in the summer and as coverups. I hate myself in shorts so I stick with Lands End dresses. I love my Skeechers Go Walk slip on sneakers. They travel easy and are washable.

    9. Sandals with good support like Chacos.

    10. The Mom Edit might be your friend – I think she even has a post about Disney.

    11. I just bought these from Boden and wore them for 2 days straight all over LEGOLAND & they worked for me: http://www.bodenusa.com/womens-shoes-boots/sneakers-plimsolls/a0409-mul/womens-white-and-rainbow-striped-sneakers They aren’t workout-comfy (so up to you if that’s a deal breaker) but were certainly comfy enough for me for my purposes, and I think they are super cute.

    12. I’m the same size/body type as you, and these are my favorite summer things.

        – I love the linen shorts from Athleta. They’re super comfy and look like you tried. They’re super cute with sandals. I would try both the 10 and the 12 and see which fit you like better (more fitted vs. loose).
        – The Breeze (or breezy?) tank from Athleta is another favorite. It’s super basic, but it fits so well. It also isn’t a tight tank and skims nicely over the torso.
        – Denim shorts with a 5″ inseam. This is about the right length to hide the thighs without wearing full-on bermuda shorts (yuck).
        – I also have a handful of colorful chino shorts from Target and Old Navy. Probably not the most current look, but they’re functional. LOFT also carries stuff like this.
        – I also have shifted toward having more woven tops for spring/summer. I love a good t-shirt, but I always feel a tad more put together in woven fabrics. Old Navy and BR have good options.

        I don’t wear skirts and dresses that much for casual wear. I know some people find them more comfortable than shorts and pants, but I do not.

        Shoes are way harder, especially for Disney. I would probably suck it up and just wear running shoes. I feel like this is a situation where comfort wins out over fashion. I’ve gotten a lot of mileage out of my Birkenstocks but wouldn’t wear them to a theme park.

        1. This is great. I’m typically team dress, but my kids are so young that I really need something I can bend over/squat down in and wear the equivalent of sneakers with.

           I have old navy linen shorts but they are a smidge too short and i can’t quite figure out what to wear on my feet. I have birks, so maybe for one of the day. But not all.

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