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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Check Pencil Wool-Blend Skirt

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I normally think of Kiton as menswear (fancy ties and suits for $8000+) so I love that they're making skirts and more out of their quality fabrics (ooh, their dresses are fabulous also). You can see from the self-tie belt that the drape on this wool/cashmere/silk blend is absolutely amazing, and really like it as styled with a statement ankle-strap heel. Lovely. It's $2,670 at Bergdorf's. Check Pencil Wool-Blend Skirt If you like the side-tie aspect, this glen check skirt for $79 is lovely; this straight buffalo check skirt comes in plus sizes for $74. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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290 Comments

  1. Has anyone had any luck selling stuff on Poshmark without putting a lot of time into the social media aspects of the site? I listed some new designer jeans with tags several weeks ago and haven’t gotten any interest. From Poshmark’s emails to me, it sounds like the only way to sell is to really engage with it like social media and follow, like, and share other people’s listings. I don’t have time for that so I’m just wondering if anyone has been successful throwing up a listing and leaving it there.

    1. I have. I think it’s more about having competitive pricing, good tags/labels on your posts, and good pictures. A few likes here and there of other similar posts will help, but nothing will help a sale more than competitive pricing, I think.

    2. I try to re-share my own listings at least once a day, which bumps your item back up to the top. Otherwise your items will sit at the bottom of the brand page’s feed unless someone is filtering/searching very specifically for your item.

      1. +1 to resharing. I don’t follow, share, or like other posts. I just reshare my own, particularly to “parties”. Quality of photos and thoroughness of description also helps quite a bit.

    3. I’ve sold 30+ items on Poshmark and I never use social media to push those items. Just take good pics and price it well, and it should move quickly.

    4. Also my friend gave me a tip to use a stock photo for the first photo to catch interest then put your own photos underneath

    1. Yes and no — there isn’t a lot that *standing alone* wouldn’t fly at work these days (assuming no client meetings).

      I do wonder what the actual S&M crowd does now though — everything formerly outre is now at best Edgy Basic and a knock off can be had at any mall / chain stores / payless.

      1. Actually, the fashion in that world has gotten a lot more creative, too. It used to be pretty standard (latex in black or red, etc) because there were only a few makers and a few places you could get it, but with Etsy and the internet, the sky’s the limit. Lots more independent creators.

      2. +1 – I mean, I see why OP said it, but I don’t agree with the interpretation. Black + cuff = S&M? That’s a pretty low bar. These are basically booties, but instead of cutting out the toe to make the may peep-toe, they’ve cut out the middle part.

  3. Help my plan my next vacation! Where should I go on a solo trip the ~8-9 days after Thanksgiving? I love any combination of hiking, food, and culture, but I don’t really do snow or beaches. I was thinking maybe Athens or the south of Spain or Cairo? I’m a little concerned about political/economic instability in Egypt and Greece, and I’m not sure if I’d have to drive a lot in Spain? I have a slight preference for staying in one or two places but I could be convinced to road trip it (I’m comfortable driving in Europe).

    1. I did a study abroad program in Granada, Spain back in the day and walked everywhere around the city. I also took a bus for weekend trips to Seville, Ronda and Costa Del Sol. If you are not a beach person, you can skip the last part.

      1. All Andalusia cities are conected by train (most of them by a speed one) then you can be based in any of them and move as much or less as you want. If you fly to Madrid you can take the speed train there, make a first stop in Cordoba and from there going to Granada and Málaga. But if you do not mind to drive you could be stoping in all the charming villages. No need of car at all to visit the cities.
        If you are into hiking Caminito del rey is great in Málaga an also the Alpujarra and Sierra Nevada in Granada only be awere that in dec starts the sky season then the mountains could be full of snow. No problem at all to do during the whole year the coast walks.
        We were last Oct in Málaga doing a bit of hikicng and from there we were visiting Ronda, Antequera and Granada.

        1. We hiked the Sierra Nevada too. It was beautiful! I was there in very hot July and there was still snow on some of the summits.

        2. I studied abroad in Cordoba and it was beautiful! Lovely little city, very safe. You can also do a day trip by bus to some ruins called Median Azahara (I think) that was super interesting.

    2. The beauty of Greece is the beaches and the islands and in November it’s cold and closed. It’s perfectly safe but not ideal.

      If you want hiking the Compostela way would be amazing?

      Egypt is a no for me.

    3. Cairo!!! But you definitely don’t need 8-9 days. Do Cairo in 3 days (see the Pyramids, the Egyptian Museum, the Citadel, the view from the top of the Cairo tower), then drive the desert road to Luxor and Aswan, and take a flight from Aswan to Abu Simbel. The weather in November will be perfect.

      1. Honestly, I would feel unsafe as a solo female traveler in Egypt, but to each her own… it’d be amazing.

    4. Maybe see if you can do a guided trek of the Lycian Way? I’ve never done it, but it looks awesome.

    5. I love Spain and agree that you don’t need a car…but I did a trip to Portugal Thanksgiving week a few years ago and it was amazing so I feel like I have to recommend it for your consideration. I did Lisbon/Sintra/Porto. So beautiful, great food, lovely people, easy to navigate, and fairly low-cost.

      1. Ohhh I’ve been dreaming of a Portugal trip. Is 8 days long enough? Did you need a car? How was the weather? Everything I’ve read suggests that November isn’t a good time… but I don’t mind chilly, damp weather as long as it’s not pouring.

        1. I was only there like 6 days. 8 would have been great. It was chilly, but didn’t really rain at all – some misty mornings.

          With extra time I would have actually spent the night in Sintra instead of doing it as a day trip. I couldn’t see everything there and it was incredibly beautiful and dreamlike. Also, I stayed at the Yeatman in Porto and REALLY recommend it. It’s on the opposite side of the river from the Old Quarter, but that means it has amazing views across the river to the historic buildings. Each room has its own outdoor space. And the spa is fabulous. The restaurant is Michelin starred, and I ate dinner there by myself and they treated me wonderfully (not always the case for female solo travelers). The sommelier was a woman and spent lots of time with me talking about Portuguese wines.

  4. Out of curiosity, does anyone here actually spend this kind of money on clothes? Except for something like a suit, have you spent 2k+ on a skirt?

    1. No, but it informs my e-bay / consignment wishlist. I have an Akris cashmere suit that is amazing.

      1. Same! The best part is that the people who buy stuff at this level often get rid of them LONG before they show signs of wear, sometimes after just a season or two, so when you find them used they’re often in pristine condition.

    2. I sale-stalk skirts in the $75 to $200 range and keep them for years. It’s well into the range of classy and put-together, but there comes a point at which it’s just too much money to spend on a depreciating asset.

    3. I’ve always wondered who actually buys clothing in this price range. My size fluctuates, and my tastes change so quickly that dropping even a tenth of this seems crazy.

      1. I know some people who have family $ / married well who are just fancy boutique shoppers. That’s how they roll. Me, I see that as aspirational / for getting ideas for things that I will see knocked off soon (sort of like the Miranda Priestly “cerulean” lecture). I like cute well-made pieces, but I don’t need them to be Cadillac quality. But I do pounce when I see this quality at Goodwill / Junior League thrift shop / consignment stores.

      2. Yes! I often get rid of clothes after wearing them for one season because I get bored.

    4. Shoes and especially bags or maybe a coat? For sure. Somehow I cannot bring myself to spend that much on clothes.

      1. Heh, I guess I’m a hypocrite because I would drop $2k in a hot second (if I had it) on a bag.

        1. right but, how many times? I have enough $$ that I can buy my fill of ~$100-200 bags and I find that I just don’t need that many… I have a good travel backpack, a good tote, and a good crossbody bag plus a couple other styles. How many bags does one person need? Especially at a price point where it will last longer than 3 months.

          I’m not in principle opposed to dropping however much on a lifetime bag but there are only so many of those that a person needs I think.

      2. +1

        I invested in a beautiful winter coat that I’ve already worn for a decade and it is luxurious. And I invest in boots that I keep for many years.

        But not clothes. Never clothes. Too risky.

  5. It’s been a long time goal of mine to visit all 50 states. I’m down to 9 remaining, but a few of these seem particularly daunting. Maybe as a fun Monday topic y’all can help me make some hypothetical travel plans and give me some ideas to dream about. :)

    Any suggestions for must see places in Idaho, Montana, Utah, Wyoming, and the Dakotas? I have a major Midwest airport so getting there isn’t a problem.

    Thanks!

    1. I’ve always wanted to have an excuse to go to Sip ‘n Dip Lounge in Montana!! There’s a profile in either GQ or Esquire…

      2. I stayed near Big Sky, Montana, and drove to Wyoming to visit Yellowstone. One day, we went out for a leisurely drive and ended up in Idaho, so got to cross that one off my list as well! I think there was a nice waterfall we came across while driving in Idaho, but couldnt tell you the name unfortunately.

        1. I’d do Black Hills in SoDak and Teddy Roosevelt (Painted Badlands) and Medora in NoDak. I’m biased, but think the NoDak Badlands are prettier than SoDak. It’s also probably less crowded.

      4. +100000000. My parents and I used to travel to the Tetons every summer, and it’s incredible. Small towns like Pinedale, WY, then larger ones like Jackson Hole. I’m dying to go back.

      1. +1 to the Black Hills and Badlands.

        If you’re into paleontology at all, there are great sites in the Dakotas, Montana and Wyoming.

        1. Definitely Black Hills, Badlands, and Mt. Rushmore! Depending on your criteria for having “visited” a state, from here you can easily do Wyoming, Nebraksa, and SD in one fell swoop.

        2. Bozeman, MT has a really great dinosaur exhibit at their Museum of the Rockies. All the fossils are from digs in the state, specifically the Hell’s Creek formation in eastern MT (Jordan/Circle area) if I remember correctly.

    4. Kind of confused as to why these states are “daunting,” because there are national parks (and pretty major ones at that) in every single one of them. Glacier (Montana), Arches (Utah), Zion (Utah) and Yellowstone (Wyoming/Idaho) are especially spectacular.

      1. They are all physically large states, so the scenery and geography vary a lot. They don’t have major airports or major cities. They aren’t often thought of as destination places the way, say, beaches, Manhattan, historical cities, etc. are.

        I don’t think I would use the word “daunting,” but I get what the OP is saying.

        1. I think most Americans would put the National Parks, especially really famous ones like Zion, Yellowstone and Glacier, at the top of a list of major US destinations. I guess I can understand being a little confused about what to do in North Dakota, but it’s just weird to me that you wouldn’t immediately think of visiting some of the most popular national parks in the country.

          1. No need to be condescending. I would never think to visit these places. I’d have to guess that 5 million of the 8 million people that live in my city wouldn’t think of it either.

          2. +1 to Anon – no need to be condescending. I cannot stand camping and so although I am aware of the many national parks and have seen pictures of beautiful mountainsides etc, they do not jump to the top of my mind as an answer to “why would I visit this state.”

          3. I can’t stand camping either, but I still love national parks. You don’t have to camp to visit them.

        2. Uh, Utah does have a major city with a major airport. Salt Lake City is, however, in the northern part of the state so seeing the national parks is a 4+ hour drive away.

          2. I mean, what do you consider major? A hub with relatively inexpensive flights? Then, sure, they probably don’t have major international hubs that you’ll fly into from NYC.

            But – if you are flying out of Mpls, you can fly into all of these states. In fact, I’d say that you are more likely to have small towns with a regional airport in these states because flying (little planes) is most convenient for getting around big states like these.

            Yes, to your (anon @11:02)) point – not major airports. But it’s not like they don’t have planes. It just doesn’t take you 45 minutes to get through security and to your gate.

          3. Perhaps the OP should have said that she is married but had a drunken one night stand. Perhaps I should have said the same thing when trying to explain what I thought she meant.

            Because it would have resulted in less nitpicking, judgement, and sarcasm. FFS, people.

      2. Sheesh, this was supposed to be a fun topic, y’all. I meant daunting (in the lightest possible sense) because I don’t know anything about these states, don’t have any family there or nearby, and don’t have any occasion to go for conferences or destination weddings or any other reason. Maybe I should’ve specified that I’m not particularly outdoorsy so maybe a national park doesn’t jump to mind first, but I’m totally open to it! Just trying to get the most basic ideas just for fun.

        I appreciate all the genuine replies and look forward to googling some of these!

        1. FWIW, Arches + Moab, UT are very approachable! Arches is a small and manageable park, even if you’re not super-outdoorsy, and Moab has great places to eat, a cute downtown to walk around, etc. Bryce and Zion are also both small and easy to navigate, with a lot of beautiful things to see that don’t require super-strenuous hiking or the need to camp. Zion is right outside of Springdale, UT, which also has a lot of cute restaurants and some nicer boutique hotels.

          1. Thanks! That kind of info is super helpful. Cute walkable downtown areas with good restaurants are my jam. Saving all these suggestions!

        2. I’d google around for some of the small towns near these big parks. They often will have fun and local events and celebrations on the weekend. You can stay in a motel (no need to camp), drive into the park for a day trip (no need for a marathon hike), go to the local festival.

          Also … I’m not familiar with all these western states, but in the Colorado mountain areas that depend heavily on summer tourism and winter skiing, lots of businesses and restaurants close during the non-tourist months. So if you go in October and November, for instance, there won’t be much to do, and not as many places open.

    5. I’m 11 states away from all 50, and did an overnight in Billings. People sing the praises of the western part of the state.

    6. I guess you’re not a skier. ;) (If you are, go to Big Sky in MT, Snowbird/Alta in UT, and Jackson Hole, WY!) Glacier National Park in Montana is stunning. Jackson is worth a visit even if you’re not skiing – the mountains are lovely, and there’s a cool elk preserve. Also, Yellowstone is mostly in Wyoming, but also Montana and Idaho.

      I’ve got about 15 to go, but they’re all midwest “flyover” states (plus Alaska). One day I’ll get to them all too!

    7. Your list of states is pretty much a greatest hits of the Greatest National Parks – Montana (Glacier and Yellowstone), Wyoming (Grand Tetons and Southern Yellowstone, plus Jackson Hole), Utah (Zion, Bryce, etc.), Dakotas (Badlands, Painted Desert, Mt. Rushmore), Idaho (just over the hill from Jackson, Sun Valley, Boise). These are all amazing.

      The second to last time I drove cross country I did Glacier/Yellowstone/Jackson/Mt. Rushmore. All fantastic.

      And the last time I did Utah and Great Basin National Park in Nevada. So many fantastic places to see, just stunning. GET OUT THERE.

    8. Almost all of the states you listed have amazing national parks. Glacier in Montana is my favorite. Yellowstone and Tetons in Wyoming. Zion in southern Utah. Utah also has the Great Salt Lake, the LDS temple in Salt Lake City, and gorgeous mountains close to downtown. It has been a while since I’ve been to the Dakotas, but the Badlands and Rushmore/Crazy Horse are worth visiting. Idaho has Ketchum/Sun Valley where many celebrities live—the Sawtooth mountains are beautiful. North Idaho has Couer d’Alene and Sandpoint.

    9. Do you ski? Park City and Deer Valley are wonderful in Utah. And the LDS is temple is worth seeing if you fly in and out of SLC.

    10. Having spent a fair amount of time in Wyoming with my college boyfriend, I’m honest when I say that you can skip the eastern part of that state – its beauty lies all to the west in the Yellowstone area. For South Dakota, fly into Rapid City and drive the 40 miles to Mount Rushmore.

      And I figure this goes without saying, but unless you’re a native of a similar climate, don’t go in winter. It’s brutal.

      1. Disagree. The eastern part of Wyoming is a completely different landscape from the western part, but prairie can be every bit as beautiful as mountains.

        OP, it’s totally worth it to go to a rodeo in eastern Wyoming. Cheyenne Frontier Days is an experience!

        1. +1 – as someone from Eastern Montana, I love my Big Sky country as much as the western part of the state does, but its very very different. Totally understand that its an acquired taste, though – there is beauty in both the majestic (mountains) and the endless (prairies).

      2. I love Mount Rushmore! I would not wear this dress there however, as it is to expensive for my tastes! FOOEY! If I went to Mt. Rushmore again, it would have to be with my husband. The last time I was there was with Dad and Mom and Rosa, where we drove through and stopped to take pictures. I was very young and cute, and did NOT have a tuchus then. Dad showed me the pictures last year, and he pointed that out to me. I wish I had the same tuchus now as I did then, but I was only 18 then! DOUBEL FOOEY!

    11. For those of you who are trying to do this — do you have any requirements for what counts as a visit? For example, I’ve been to Missouri three times for brief work visits but not sure I would count as a visit since I spent most of the time inside offices/hotels.

      1. I count driving through or setting foot in the state, unless I never left the airport. However I don’t say I’ve visited 46 states, I say I’ve “been to” 46 states. Visit implies a more extensive trip to me, although I would probably count a work trip like the ones you’re describing.

      2. My criteria is if I leave the airport and eat a meal in the state, it counts.

        1. Meal, sightseeing, overnight, at least 200 miles of driving, etc. I had brunch in Wisconsin and count that.

        2. +1 Eating a meal is my standard for visiting.

          I have a second list of states that I endeavor to have “explored” which I require to involve driving more than an hour on a road off of the freeway and attending a location specific event or hiking/biking/kayaking a trail.

      3. I do have criteria, actually! It must be an intentional visit to something noteworthy in the state. That could be a state park, a weird roadside attraction, a restaurant you saw on a travel show, the state capitol building, whatever! It just can’t be an airport stop or driving through without stopping.

        Whenever I travel for work, I make sure to try some local restaurant or visit a museum or something to make sure it “counts” beyond just physically being in the conference hotel.

      4. My criteria is that I must sleep one night and visit at least one site (national or state park, tourist destination, etc). It can’t just be driving through or only during work stuff

    12. Dakotas: Badlands National Park and Mt. Rushmore were both good for one trip. We drove through them a second time on our way out west and IMO they weren’t really worth the repeat.

      Caveat: MAKE SURE you are not going during Sturgis if you are not a biker. It is a noisy, air-polluted, expensive nightmare.

    13. I have always wanted to see the Laura Ingalls Wilder house in South Dakota, but it’s truly in the middle of nowhere.

    14. The only thing I remember about Idaho was the Craters of the Moon, so I’d rec there!

    15. I’d spend a night at Coeur D’Alene in Idaho- its gorgeous and the food is delicious. You can fly in and out of Spokane.

    16. National Parks! Go to Yellowstone and you can hit up 3 of them — Idaho, Montana and Wyoming. Utah has like 8 National Parks. I’m from Idaho so I’m biased, but I think this is an incredibly beautiful (and underrated) part of the country. The wide open spaces are majestic. Enjoy!

    17. National Parks! Go to Yellowstone and you can hit up 3 of them — Idaho, Montana and Wyoming. Utah has like 8 National Parks. I’m from Idaho so I’m biased, but I think this is an incredibly beautiful (and underrated) part of the country. The wide open spaces are majestic. Enjoy!

  6. Does anyone have recommendations? I’m moving from DC to Boston, and I only have a small apartment, so it will be a small move.

    2. You can just google a few of the national moving companies and they have online forms to submit with your dates, apt size, etc. they’ll usually send someone to your house to do an actual estimate. Typically longer moves end up with your stuff in storage for some amount of time but you can discuss that with them (ie. Couple months or couple weeks). This is because they might subcontract out one or both ends of the move so need to add a little room to coordinate that. I recently moved and got this far into the process but ended up having family come help with a rented truck. From what I recall it was not that much more in the grand scheme of costs to let them do the packing which is a nice load off your shoulders. (I’ve done that before but wasn’t paying and didn’t have the choice to not take that option).

      Now Boston – do you have a place yet? If not do you know where you’re looking? Movers won’t set your move in date until you have an address. There may a little extra cost associated with city proper as well (permitting fees, etc. – can’t remember but if they were added they weren’t large).

      1. Also if you don’t have a place lined up/are unfamiliar with the city please post what you’re looking for so we can try to help. The Boston market has some quirks that always seem to surprise new folks.

        1. Thanks! I grew up in the area but this will be my first time living in the city as an adult. I know September 1 is craziness for moving, so I’m hoping to find something that starts August 1. I’m in my early 30s and will be working in Back Bay – I’d love to walk to work if possible, so thinking of looking for apts in Back Bay, Beacon Hill, or South End. I know North End can be a little cheaper but I’ve also heard it skews a bit younger than me, so would definitely appreciate any thoughts on that!

          1. Budget?

            I grew up in the suburbs and… Boston has changed. It’s never been cheap, but it’s now crazy expensive.

          2. Yeah, I’ve been pretty shocked by the rental prices I’ve seen. I’m hoping to be under $2500 (ideally closer to $2200) for a one bedroom – not looking for a new luxury building but would like a decent kitchen (i.e. more than a sink and stove with no counter space) and laundry in the building.

          3. I wrote a better reply but it disappeared :(

            Your budget is a little low – most decent but modest 1 beds fitting your criteria in any of those neighborhoods will be $2,500-3,000. There are unicorns and if you have the ability to be flexible you can hold out for them but they are rare enough that others will be doing the same and may be willing to bid them right up to the higher range. Don’t forget to factor in utilities because higher rent with some utilities could = lower rent but no utilities included. Also, the T pass is like $85/month so if you can walk you’re already saving that much plus your sanity.

            I know plenty of 30s+ in the North End and even Southie so if that helps your budget I wouldn’t rule them out although I’m not sure either is really cheaper unless you’re awkwardly far from public transit.

            You have to decide for you but for me the higher rent to be in the middle of it all is worth it. You can always move next year if the cost is too much… but I’m deducing from your posts that you might be single and have been away for a while so you’re going to want to be where there is stuff going on outside of work so you can really get the most out of living in the city.

      2. As for where to live: The back side of Beacon Hill (the side that does not face Boston Common) is a little bit cheaper than the front side. I lived on the back side of the Hill and walked over the Common and down to the waterfront to work for several years. No need for a gym membership!

        My brother lives in the North End and loves it–he doesn’t have to have a car because he can walk to work and to everything else he needs–grocery, laundromat, the Garden. He either rents a car or uses Zip Car on the weekends when he wants to get out of town. He’s 61. But the North End can get very touristy on the weekends.

        One thing about living close enough to walk to work–if you don’t have to garage a car, your transportation costs will be much less, and then you can afford more/better apartment.

        Good luck finding anything with laundry in the building in the older buildings. However, areas like Beacon Hill and the North End do have lots of laundromats everywhere.

    3. I used Gentle Giant to move a 1-bedroom apartment from Boston to DC, and was very happy with them. Not a single thing was broken or lost and the moving teams on both ends were very friendly and professional. They also pick up your boxes after you’ve unpacked. It wasn’t cheap, about $4k for the move and two months of storage, but my job reimbursed $3k of that so I was happy with it. You do need to get your parking permit from the city (in my case, Cambridge) at least 72 hours ahead of time so that the truck has a space to park. Gentle Giant took care of all of that stuff for me for a small extra fee, I think like $100 (and the permit itself was $75 of that?), and it turned out to matter because the police had to come tow a car out of the spot, which they won’t do if you haven’t had the permits posted far enough ahead of time.

    5. Another option is to pack up your stuff and send the boxes via Amtrak. It takes about a week (maybe less for you) and is a super cheap option. I know there are some restrictions, they dont want breakables or bulky items so you might want to check to verify. It’s a bigger hassle than a mover that goes door to door but much cheaper if you’re interested.

      I think it’s something like 75 Dollars for the first 100 lbs.

    6. I literally just did this move in February! My movers were terrible, so I wouldn’t recommend them. In terms of apartments though, I’ve been living in the West End (in between Beacon Hill and the North End), and it’s been great – walking distance to just about everything, slightly less recent-grad feel than the North End. A lot of my building are doctors at MGH, which I’m obviously not complaining about. I think your budget seems reasonable for the area. Happy to answer any questions offline, too!

  7. My 3 yo daughter would flip out if I bought us matching clothes, so that’s my goal. Lilly Pulitzer has some, but they aren’t quite my style and are more expensive than I would like. I am more of a J. Crew/Tuckernuck kind of person. Any ideas for shops that have matching clothes and/or bathing suits?

    1. Target recently came out with “family” sets and I think Old Navy has a few things as well.

    4. If you know a friend who does it and don’t mind the MLM aspect, I think LuLaRoe has some matching stuff.

    5. Gretchen Scott. It’s like a toned-down Lilly. No bathing suits though — you might need real Lilly for that.

      If more budget, try Old Navy — they have a family matching sort of named search feature.

    6. Old Navy has some really cute summery ones right now (I can’t justify spending Lily $ on kids clothes.)

  8. Old Navy actually has an online section right now called “mini me” or something similar – I saw it recommended on the mom’s s!te. Cute matching stuff.

    1. Go with Dr. Genden at Mt. Sinai. He’s the head of the department, but still young enough to relate to us. You can’t go wrong with Dr. Genden. You may hear him from time to time on Radio Ads for ENT Allergy Associates, but trust me, he is good.

  10. I’m just about to turn 40 and I’m struggling with it. In theory it’s just another day, another birthday. But not when you are single. How do I stop freaking out over this number?

    1. I’m sorry you’re struggling and I’m sorry no one has responded to this yet. “Age is just a number” is a cliche, but cliches usually exist for a reason. I’m not sure what in particular is bothering you, but if you’re down about being single and 40 because you figure that means game over, remember Senior Attorney met her current husband well after 40!

      1. Yes!! Hell, I married my second husband at 40 and dumped him at 55 and didn’t meet the One True Keeper until I was… what? 56, I guess?

        Although I’m not sure if that’s an inspirational tale or a cautionary one.

        Hugs to you and Happy Birthday! And 40s are the best, for real! You’re smart and you have a bit of money and you still look great, so enjoy!

    2. I turned 49 today. So I hear you!

      40 is a great age. You’re entering what for many women will be their best, most satisfying decade. You are smart, able, more stable and successful, more aware of your needs and wants, and more independent. When you are single, it is full of adventures, and you handle them better.

      Start a birthday tradition of treating yourself on your birthday. You take the day off. Or the weekend… or week! Or you take yourself out to lunch. You buy yourself a special gift you have been planning for months. You do exactly what you want to do. And you try to rely upon others less for your happiness.

      Your 40’s will be great. Congratulations!

    3. For me, “not freaking out” didn’t happen in the moment, but over time. I had to

      Become aware of the set of expectations I held (such as that I’d be married and have a house and children by XX age)
      Grieve what I didn’t have; it’s a genuine loss in my life, and it’s OK to grieve it.
      Let go of expectations (such as that I’d have the “normal” life all the people around me seemed to have).
      Be willing to accept that a different kind of life — the one actually available to me in the moment — could also be good.

      None of this happened overnight. But it did happen.

      So take courage. Give yourself a break and take your time. Grieve for about 10 minutes a day, and then also move on to enjoying.

    4. When you realize the great freedom that comes with the age. They’re not called the FU 40s for nothing.

    5. I think I saw this here, and adopted it as my wish for all my relatives and friends . . . it’s all about context. Celebrate well, this year and every other.

      Happy birthday! You have hurtled through space around a gigantic, life-giving ball of flames for another year! You are on this tiny clod of clay, which has air and grass and bats and baboons and white tigers and dahlias and mountain streams and weird hairless apes, one of which is you, and that is weird but also very cool! And you are unique. You have walked a life no one else has walked, or ever will again. Your voice has cheered someone up when you didn’t realize it. Your smile has sparked another smile. The things you love are also loved by other people, even people you’ve never met, and because of that, you are connected to those people, all across the world, living and breathing and loving the same things you do. And that is amazing! You are full of potential, and every day you wake up and get out of bed, you have another chance to do something that makes your heart soar. This day is your day, and tomorrow will be your day, too. No matter the weather or where you are or the political climate or your financial situation, you are alive, and you are a life different from all other lives. This is beautiful. There are so many different paths to choose, and whichever one you take, that one will be an adventure. Some adventures are louder than others, some are peaceful and full of contentment, and some are filled with strife and struggling, but they are yours. Clutch them to you. Claim them. Be full of wonder and be wonderful. And always take the opportunity to celebrate!

  11. I’m the poster from the weekend thread who was trying to buy a home but kept getting her offers rejected.
    As of this morning, I’m officially under contract on the cutest townhouse that’s much better than what I thought I could get, is in a great neighborhood, and a better commute!
    I was touring a bunch of places this weekend and my realtor got a tip while we were out that this place was about to go on the market and the owner would let us see it that day if we wanted. I got my offer in only an hour after it was officially listed for sale and they accepted it!
    Now I have to try not to spend my whole day today furniture shopping and design planning :)

    4. Congrats! I went through a similar situation and we lucked up on our townhouse as well!

  12. Hawaii big island thoughts? We’d be staying in a big Hilton resort in Kona. Odds of decent food? What else is there to do off a resort and how easy is that? This is totally out of my comfort zone but the price is right and a friend wants to go.

    And yes, I know there is an active volcano Mom.

    1. The volcano isn’t affecting the Kona side at all, although one of the big Things To Do on the Big Island is Volcanoes National Park and the park is currently shut. Other than that, the Kona side of the island has some really nice beaches and great snorkeling, including the chance to see manta rays. Waipio Valley has nice views and hiking. You can go ziplining or do a helicopter tour, if that’s something you’re into. There’s plenty of decent (but not extraordinary) food in the Kona area, but it’s Hawaii, so it’s expensive for the quality. The Big Island is my favorite Hawaiian island, but that’s mostly because I’m a serious snorkeler and I think it has the best snorkeling. If you’re more into hiking I’d recommend Kauai and if food is a high priority, I’d recommend Maui.

      1. This is so helpful thanks! Is snorkeling hard? Do I need to organize it somehow? I am clearly soooooo a city person! Is the water warm? Can you swim in the ocean?

        1. Snorkeling isn’t hard if you’re a strong swimmer, but if it’s your first time I’d probably recommend taking an organized tour towards the beginning of your trip so you get some instruction. There’s excellent snorkeling right from the shore at several beaches near Kona (my favorite is Kahaluu Beach Park, where I’ve always seen turtles) but you’ll need to rent snorkeling gear if you want to go on your own. I’m sure you can do that from your hotel or from one of many dive/surf shops around the island. Once you have the gear, you just show up at the beach at go in the water.
          Yes, the water is very warm, you can definitely swim in the ocean for an extended period of time without getting cold.

        2. I found snorkling mildly challenging the first time. I’m a bit anxious/claustrophobic and couldn’t figure out how to breath initially. My husband realized I was basically hyperventilating and that’s why it wasn’t working. I needed to REALLY slow down my breathing in order to do it comfortably. He was very patient and talked me through each breath until I got it figured out. Then I loved it!

    2. Yes, the water is warm and you can swim in the ocean. Snorkeling is not hard. You just need to rent the equipment, which you can do on a beach or in a little store near the beach. Check out the Tsunami Museum in Hilo.

    3. One thing to keep in mind– my Dad went to Hawaii two weeks ago for the specific purpose of chasing the volcano, and he said that on his side of the island there was a lot of rain, and on the other side there wasn’t rain but there was “vog”, or fog that had some of the volcanic gases in it, because of the direction that the trade winds blow. So you might want to pay attention to the wind part of the forecast when you plan your daily activities, in addition to the usual will-it-rain stuff.

      Snorkeling is not hard at all! Minimum equipment is mask, snorkel, and fins, and the water is usually plenty warm but I am more comfortable if I wear some sort of shirt (rash guard, or wetsuit top), just for that little extra bit of warmth that keeps me in the water for longer so I can see more cool stuff. You just gear up, go in the water (carefully, so you don’t trip on your fins), and paddle around face first. Remember to breathe regularly, your mouth feels funny but you get just as much air as you normally do.

    4. Visit Parker Ranch in Waimea. Black sand Beach in Punalu’u which I think from memory is not too close to volcano side. The Green Sand Beach at South Point is nice but hard to get to.

    5. On food, CanoeHouse at Mauna Lani is absolutely excellent – both food and location.

      A great way to do snorkeling is a catamaran tour – they typically leave in the am, are about 4-5 hours, and there is a crew to help you with snorkeling equipment etc.

      I would also head to Mauna Kea for stargazing. There are organized tours, but they are expensive and my husband and I didn’t see the benefit. We drove ourselves – watched the sunset and then looked at planets and stuff through the (free) telescopes. Bring warm clothes for that though – it gets cold up there. It was about 1 hour from Waikaloa, so I would guess 1.5 hours from Kona.

      We also liked driving to the town of Hawi. It was quaint, and it is just far enough that you get a taste of the green side of the island without going all the way to Hilo.

      Have fun!

    6. A trail ride with Paniolo Adventures was one of the best things I did on Big Island. Big Island Brewhaus is worth the trip for the beer and food. Definitely go to the Mauna Kea observatory too (and bring a sweater, the temperature really drops!). Rent a 4 wheel drive vehicle for Mauna Kea / in general. I think the black sand beaches were down by the volcano park (where I stayed, incidentally), but if you can find safe black or green sand beaches, they’re cool to see!

      If you’re not a confident swimmer, definitely go with a guide for snorkeling or any water activities.

      If you’re asthmatic at all the vog will be an issue. I recommend using a nasal saline spray if you’re prone to congestion.

  13. Thoughts on use of the word p*ssy? I have always viewed it as demeaning towards women no matter who it was aimed at (we’re talking about slang use of the word to mean “weak” here). I went to see the new Oceans movie this weekend and was disappointed in the use there (loved the movie otherwise). Am I being uptight?

      1. Same…it was used here by a woman to the rest of the women as in “did you think we were a bunch of p?”

    3. I don’t have an issue with it but I’m very big on reclaiming words, generally. I also use the d— word though and don’t have an issue with it. Maybe it’s different given the inherent history of gender and power dynamics but I am not bothered by it.

      1. I just don’t understand this “reclaiming words” thing. If women use it to reclaim it, men could still use it as an insult. Give me an example of a word that has ever been reclaimed such that it lost its insulting meaning. I’m genuinely curious and open to instruction.

          1. I don’t think gay has completely lost its insulting meaning – it’s still used by many people as a slur, or a synonym for stupid/uncool.

          2. Except that many people still use it as an insult. I hear it where I live across age groups, unfortunately.

          3. Really? So if someone said “that’s so gay,” that wouldn’t be an insult? Or do you mean that it now means happy again? I am not seeing it.

          4. Does reclaiming it mean it stops being an insult? Or that it is also regularly used in a non-insulting manner?

            I mean, you can’t stop people from using it as an insult, but it’s also regularly used in a non-insulting manner.

          1. These are both descriptors of what people are, so they are fine in that context – gay man, black man, etc. But if they are used in another context, they are still insulting – that’s so gay, that’s so black (I don’t even know what that would mean, but you get my point). Whereas the p word used above is not being used as a descriptor. It’s being used to stand in for something else – weakness. I think if gay or black were used to stand in for something else, it would be an insult.

        4. Queer. It went from being a slur to being a self selected descriptor.

          Also – the point is not that it can’t ever be used as an insult by people behind the times. The point is to take away the sting and reclaim the word for yourself. If someone calls me a B7tch now it is far less jarring than it would be 25 years ago. There are also lots of studies that show that people feel stronger after self-labeling with a derogatory words. You can see the opening line of old Dan Savage columns for a great example. Lots of literature about all of this.

          Look up language reappropriation.

          1. I don’t think that’s what the OP meant, though – the p word was being used as an insult in the movie.

            It’s one thing to say “I love my P.” It’s another thing to say “Stand up for yourself, don’t be a P.” The second instance is what the OP was complaining about.

          2. I agree with baconpancakes. I loved the p*ssy grabs back shirts around the election. I’m offended by the use of that word as a synonym for weak, as OP said it was used in the movie. I think you can reclaim a word and still object to its use as an insult.

          3. There is a difference, sure. But the path to reappropriation is not a straight linear one, necessarily. Part of it is using the word, period. Making it less of a serious slur, defanging it while reexamining why it’s a slur in the first place. After than we may come to a place as a society where we agree that the defining characteristics of a word like p&ssy aren’t even bad ones. To me that’s the bigger thing, not why we call those characteristics by a female body part. So anyway, it is different but I don’t have an issue with the difference.

  14. Care package or other present ideas for friend who is in the middle of an out of town trial? Male, 35.

    2. Nuts, cookies, snacks. Tissues, lozenges, Starbucks or other coffee GC. Travel mug. Tums. Post it notes.

      (I do a lot of multi-day, out of town trials, and all of this lives in my litigation bag.)

    3. $20 or $25 gift card to his music site of choice?? He’s probably on WiFi a lot in his down hours…

  15. I just signed up for a new credit card and it just arrived when I received an email with a better bonus offer from the same company (double the cash bonus). Has anyone had any luck being able to get the better offer in this sort of situation? I’m going to call and ask, just looking for any tips you may have.

    1. I would just call and ask. I’d be shocked if they don’t give you the better offer.

      1. Just called. They said they would forward the request to marketing but it sounded like a non-issue. Thanks!

    2. Had this happen with Chase. They refused to give me the better offer. I chose another provider.

      1. Did you cancel the card? Mine happened with chase too. They made it sound like it would get approved but didn’t approve it over the phone.

  16. How can I help?

    We learned of some tragic news this weekend. A friend’s wife who was expecting (triplets!) went to the hospital complaining of a headache when it turned out she had had a stroke. She was able to deliver the babies safely at 28 weeks before she underwent surgery. Sadly, she did not survive. We were not very close, but a couple of other friends and I feel compelled to do something, so here are our ideas. I’d love to hear more if you have any.
    – help finish the nursery, if anything is needed
    – help coordinate br3@st milk, if they want to continue with that (would the hospital or some org know how to do this?)
    – help coordinate babysitting or kangaroo care
    – help coordinate a meal schedule for him or grocery delivery
    – pay for cleaning service
    – pay for a night nurse

    Any other ideas? Would the hospital have ideas? I can’t stop crying and can’t stop thinking about it and we want to do something… especially because I think a lot of people our age feel unsure of how to deal with grief and sort of just fade away after the funeral. I experienced a few family deaths at a young age, and the people that are just *there* in the weeks, months, years later are the ones that help the most.

    And finally, hold your loved ones tight. You don’t know how long you have with them.

    1. I am so sorry for your loss. All of those ideas sound great, especially finishing the nursery.

      1. I know a family that lost the mom recently and they are planning to immediately move closer to family so that the extended family can help out more. If there is any chance that he will want to list the house, maybe make sure that your offer makes sense. He won’t really need a lot while the kids are in the NICU.

        1. +1

          OP your ideas sound lovely but a number of them won’t be necessary for months while the babies are in the NICU. I would probably help out with food for him rather than anything else. He will probably not have the time or energy to think about eating, much less eating well.

    2. Before planning to do anything specific, I would put out some feelers to find out if there’s someone close to him (family member) who is working on coordinating this sort of thing. Figure out if someone is filling that role, and then talk to them about some of the ideas you have or see if they have specific needs in mind. Condolences to your friend – what an unexpected situation to find himself in.

      1. Agreed, someone is probably on this already so you should find out what’s needed and when. Here are some other little things you can offer that people might not think about:
        1. Stay healthy kits – tissues, hand sanitizer, vitamin c gummies, and tylenol. Dad and family are going to be hugging a lot of people and they’ll need to keep germs at bay so they can spend time with the babies.
        2. Portable snacks he can shove in the car or his pocket or whatever.
        3. Would someone mind skipping the funeral to babysit his house and maybe her parents’ house? A distressing number of people have their houses robbed during a loved one’s funeral because criminals know no one will be there.
        4. Do you know anyone he works with? Can they offer (to a family member) to remove pictures of his wife from his office? This was really helpful for a friend who lost her husband… she didn’t want to be greeted by pictures of better times on her first day back at work. Obvi very individual but it’d be nice for someone to offer.

        1. 4. is so very personal–please don’t do this unless the person has actually requested it or at the least agreed to it. Seeing a hole where familiar photos once were as if they never existed would be far more painful for some.

          1. +1

            Do not surprise someone by removing pictures from their office. 100% check with him first.

          2. Seriously. I would probably lose it if someone even ASKED if I wanted the pictures gone. IMO, it’s a strikingly insensitive thing to offer. If he is the sort of person who thinks that will help him, he will probably bring that up to someone himself.

        2. What!? PLEASE don’t do this without his approval. A lot of people (myself included) wouldn’t want the photos removed.

    4. The babies are probably all in the NICU right? I would try to help him with more grief-related things, like cook meals for him and help him clean the house.

    5. Holy cow. How horrible. At 28 weeks, the babies are going to be in the NICU for a while. I think all of your ideas are good, but realistically, between grief/spending all his time at the hospital, I don’t think your friend is going to be in imminent need of a meal schedule/grocery delivery. Later, after he/the babies are home, yes, absolutely. In the short term, I’d get him restaurant gift cards (or something like seamless, grub hub, — maybe the hospital has a cafe where you can purchase a gift card. My hospital had an Au Bon Pain).

      I don’t have specific NICU experience, but I’d do some searches online about things that people wanted/needed.

    6. If the friend is using Tricare / military hospitals at all, see if there is a Fisher House nearby to house any family that may be flying in. It’s like a Ronald McDonald house. 28 weeks is very early and multiples are often quite small compared to singletons, so it may be a long hospital stay for them.

    7. When I had friends with a NICU singleton last year, the thing they found most helpful was my assistance in locating a short-term rental for them near the hospital. I did ALL the legwork (including pleading on local moms lists — which turned out to be a very good avenue for finding some vacant places that the owner wasn’t originally intending to rent out), narrowed it down to 3 options for them, they looked at 2 and picked 1. They lived about an hour from the hospital, and going back and forth was draining, took time away from spending with the baby, and prevented them from getting there on short notice when there were emergencies. If he’s closer to the hospital, this may not be relevant.

    8. Hospital will take care of the babies. They will likely be in NICU for at least another month or two. Coordinating meal delivery is probably the most helpful thing right now.

      Do a schedule who will contact Dad when to coordinate/check any needs. Sometimes just responding to everyone can be overwhelming. Maybe he has family coming to help. If his/her parents are not local, they might need help with a trip to the grocery store etc.

      Finally, keep in touch. Once the babies come home, try to offer a regular schedule of coming by to watch the babies for an hour or two so dad can get a break. Even if you all just do it twice a week, and take turns then you might only have to drop by every second week each.

    9. I am so sorry for everyone involved. My prayers for their family.

      Once the babies are out of the NICU, they will need baby stuff. Lots and lots of baby stuff. If their mom didn’t have a shower before she passed away, their family doesn’t have the usual pile of onesies and diapers.

      A shower is far too festive after this tragedy, but perhaps someone can coordinate gift-giving. You’ll need to find out what he has and needs, especially with cribs, strollers for three, etc.

      And if you know him well enough, offer to help with the funeral. The man’s trying to see his three tiny babies as much as possible; it would take some of the load off if someone else could handle calls, arrangements, logistics, etc.

    10. Since the baby’s will be in the NICU for a while, honestly, just give him cash. Chances are he will be burning through money on parking, bad hospital food and everything else. It is our go to present in situations like this (sadly) and we normally do it with a note of spend it on whatever you want, even if it just an ungodly number of candy bars from the hospital cafeteria. Then, set a reminder on your calendar to follow up with him every three months for the next year.

    11. I’m so sorry to hear this.

      Erm, I’ve got kind of a unique perspective on this because I actually had a very close brush with death after the birth of my kid who was born prematurely.

      I would suggest practical things: have someone make sure his pets are taken care of. help out with single serve meals and gift cards to the hospital coffee shop he can use. volunteer to mow the lawn or arrange and pay for a lawn service. Don’t make the man make decisions, just let him say, ‘okay.’

      The most touching thing any friend did for us was to send a box of preemie sized clothes that she ordered online. It had been a Very. Hard. Day. and he came home and there was this box of adorable clothes and… he says he just started sobbing. In all that was going on and all the sadness and scary, there was a beautiful little human who would someday be big enough to wear the totally cheesy ‘bananas about daddy’ onesie she had sent.

      In the NICU, babies will have to be in just diapers for a while so they can watch them, but one day somebody says, ‘Oh, yeah. Baby can wear clothes now.’ and it’s AMAZING to be able to dress them. It takes them from being these scary little fragile medical beings to real babies.

    12. I am so, so sorry for your loss. That is an absolutely tragic situation. Just make sure that whatever you end up doing, you’re doing for the husband and not just because you feel compelled to do something yourself. Remember Ring Theory and comfort in, dump out.

    13. Thanks for the advice and ideas, everyone. Funeral is already coordinated. The babies will be in the nicu for another 2-3 months, but they were not able to have a shower yet, so they still need nursery items. I called a local milk bank and they walked me through options for them for when they come home from the hospital and gave some good local sources for childcare ideas. And yes, these ideas are going to the ‘coordinator’ – I’m not burdening the dad with this. But that person is not local and will eventually have to go home again. We want them to know that we are still able to help 8 months from now.

    14. In case you overlook it, another user posted below, recommending the Liz Logelin Foundation, which specializes on recently widowed spouses. Sounds like a valuable resource, so I wanted to repeat it up here on the thread.

    15. I’m sorry for your loss.

      I haven’t seen anyone mention college funding for the children — if there is motivation in your community to establish something for the children, you could collect donations.

    16. This is so heartbreaking. My dad died when I was very young (less than one year), and one thing that I value above all else are when other share stories about my dad. Can you coordinate an effort amongst her friends/colleagues to write down any memories of the friend’s wife? Any stories that lend insight into her childhood, personality or anything similar will be so valued by the kids, even a paragraph about a random childhood memory.

    17. My baby was in the NICU for over a month. During this time a woman had an experience similar to what you describe. The hospital had a social worker assigned to the NICU families. I know friends and family were in touch with the social worker determining what would be of most help for dad. I also heard her providing ideas for things they had not considered. Maybe it’s worth checking whether the hospital has someone in a similar role working with the family.

  17. I asked yesterday about cyber security professionals stalking people online for kicks for friends while off duty. I think this happened to me. What should I expect that they found? Stuff on my hard drive, passwords, browsing? Is this illegal? What can I do other than keep on the vpn?

    1. Well if someone hacked you, they could do anything. VPN isn’t really going to stop someone who already has access to your machine. What happened that made you think that you were being hacked?

      1. My name, address, and age were discovered after visiting a local web page. It wasn’t a business page, really.

        1. That’s it? I mean, that’s all info that could be scrounged by bots on the internet from publicly accessible documents, right? Or signing up for a store’s loyalty program. What makes you think it was the result of a hack?

          In comparison, I’ve been locked out of my own email account because someone got in and changed it on me.

        2. There are a lot of web pages that list info on people that include name, age, phone number, possible relatives, etc, which is aggregated from public info. If that is the type of website you mean, it doesn’t mean that you were hacked. Did this person have access to your computer, your network, or did you maybe open a weird email attachment or click on a strange link?

        3. I mean whitepages dot com has all of this on me (bc publicly available) and I have never been hacked. Shrug.

          Are you worried for your safety??

        4. Hahaha this is all publicly available information and there are lots of websites out there dedicated to aggregating it. O M G nobody hacked you. Wow.

          2. I KNOW THIS ABOUT THE DATA SITES>
            I am saying they knew I visited their website. Me. And exact IP addresses are not available to non law enforcement. Like,2 you are in the vicinity only.

          4. Yes but IP is your approximate location. Not home address. You have to go to police for that.
            I wonder how it was obtained.

        5. Not sure I’m clear what you mean by “it wasn’t a business page,” but most of that does sound like publicly available information. I pay a service called DeleteMe to keep my home address and other identifying information off the internet. Their customer service has been great when I’ve found lapses in their coverage. Also, set up a google alert for your name.

          1. Like I said…not sure how you can get the exact id of a person w/out unethical sleuthing. I think someone either used their police friend or IT friends and its creepy.

          2. Sweetie you need to lay off the drugs or whatever it is that is making you this paranoid.

    3. Hacking into someone else’s system without permission (see Google’s hacking bounty) is illegal under the Computer Misuse Act. If the hacker steals your information and uses it/leaks it, such as in identity theft, that also is a crime.

      This is going to be very hard for you to prove without hiring someone like a forensic computer analyst and even then, if he/she is a very good hacker, you still may have trouble figuring it out.

      Your best bet is to change all passwords and get new credit cards if you think that information has been stolen. You can also put a security freeze on your credit files with the three big reporting bureaus.

      I am not an expert by any means, but I know we have at least one poster in infosec. Hopefully, she/he will be able to assist further.

    4. If someone has access to your computer, whether remotely or they physically walked up and were able to be logged on to your computer under your account, they can see anything that is on your computer. Pictures, files etc. They could also browse your email if you had it open. Do you have a file on your computer that states your name age and address? They could have then opened it and read it.

      However, if you visited a website (what was it? Not a business really? Then what?) the website could track your browsing history and determine information about you using cookies. That’s not really a hack, that’s just somewhat shady tracking.

      Are you on Ambien or any other medication? From the small details you have provided, hacking sounds somewhat unlikely.

      1. oh and, if you suspect a hack, I’d make sure to run a virus scan (I think Komodo is a good service but I’m not that up to date, Windows also has tools under Microsoft Security Essentials) , change passwords to your logins (like bank web pages and local computer accounts etc). Potentially you can get a new computer. If you’re on a local home network, I think rebooting your router will change your IP address.

        Mainly password changes is where I’d start.

  18. Online dating recommendations in NYC? I’m just out of a long term relationship so not looking for anything serious but open to the possibility. Just want to get out there and flirt! Early 30s, professional, looking for “grown ups.”

  19. Years ago someone on here recommended a blog focused on investment pieces but I can’t for the life of me remember the name (they havent been active in recent years). The blog name began with “le…something.” Do any of you remember? Its driving me nuts!

  20. The Liz Logelin Foundation has a resource list for ideas on how to help newly widowed families/spouses, and it focuses on situations where the wife doesn’t make it through childbirth. I’m sorry for your loss.

  21. Help needed- Short sleeved tops for work under $50 from a mall store- no other criteria! I despise shopping and the mall so hoping to make it quick with either specific req’s or suggested stores-

    1. Check out Macy’s – especially the Anne Klein and Alfani lines. I have a couple of tops from their Charter Club line, but that line does skew a little more conservative/dowdy.

      If you hate shopping, I might stick to department stores – go in and gather up all the short-sleeve tops in your size that have potential, then just try them all on in one go.

      Otherwise, I think people have recommended Express for work shirts. Too bad Limited is gone. NY&Co can be okay if you are willing to dig, and they have a line of button-downs that have a very handy snap between the Buttons Most Likely to Gape Open, those can be nice.

    2. JC Penney’s always has some short sleeved tops that are really affordable and good for work. They’re not high fashion, but they’re not offensive and you can usually find them in the $20 range.

      1. Bonus if you hate shopping- they cluster their workwear tops together in one area so you aren’t wandering a whole department store to find 5 tops because they’re all from different lines so the store puts them in different sections.

    4. A top was recommended here from Macy’s a few weeks ago. Faux wrap, short sleeves, washable. I love it because it is interesting, but timeless.

      I liked it so much that I bought it in 3 basic colors, for my minimalist wardrobe. I’m small busted and it is very flattering and would work on a lot of shapes.

      It’s on sale now for $29. I just bought 2 more in white.

      https://www.macys.com/shop/product/dkny-ruched-top-created-for-macys?ID=5865151&CategoryID=79465

      1. Saw this top when it was recommended and it’s been on my list, but I haven’t bought it because I wasn’t sure how tummy friendly it was. Do you need a very flat stomach to pull this off or is it more forgiving?

        1. Good questions.

          I am very flat on top and wear the XS. If you are fuller in the bust, I think it will be more forgiving on the tummy. It is not as tight as it appears on the model, at least for me. My tummy is actually bigger than my bust (!) and it works for me. It is mostly to be worn under blazers/cardigans though, if that makes a difference. I think the patterns will work best for hiding the belly. The white does emphasize my belly more, but not enough to make me not want to wear it.

          I found that some of the colors/patterns fit me differently, so I would order a couple of sizes of each color/pattern you want to try. It is so cheap that it is worth the time to try it. I actually liked it more than I expected to only after trying it on.

  22. I’m sure I’m a rare breed but I’ve put off going to the gyn my entire adult life – no kids obviously so never HAD TO go. In my 30s now and I know I need to. In my city where doctors are lacking (or at least never taking new patients), seems like the only ones every taking new patients are young — like 2-5 years out of residency. Am I right in thinking gyn is one of those high volume practices where it doesn’t matter a lot? As in between 3 years of residency and even 2 years of practicing, they would have done a ton of internals? Awkward to see such a young doctor, but my concern is getting someone with enough experience that they’re quick and gentle. Experiences?

    1. It’s actually really easy for the doctor! Whoever you can get in with will be fine.

    3. Have you been $exually active? Then you NEEDED to go. Do you care about ovarian cancer? Then you NEEDED to go. Having a child isn’t the only reason to check on the health of your nether regions.

      You’re far better off getting a pap with someone IN residency if you’ve never had one before than you are not going at all!! I see a nurse or midwife to have mine done so I don’t get the big deal with requiring someone to have tons of experience. I’d prefer someone fresh out of school as I assume they are up to date on the latest and greatest in the specialty area, where practitioners who have been out a while may not have the chance to due to being so busy.

      Tell the office when you schedule that it is your first exam and make sure you tell them again when you get there and then again when you are in the exam room. I’ve never had a bad experience in 40 years of going to various docs TBH.

      1. Dude relax. She can’t turn back the hands of time but she’s doing it now, why criticize and jump all over her? Also I disagree, someone who is overdue/hasn’t gone ever should see an MD the first time. As for experience, OP any attending is going to have enough practice. They do an internal on every patient walking thru the door pretty much, so even in 3 years of residency and 1 year of practice they’ve done a LOT and know how to make it quick and comfortable.

      2. Maybe similar to OP I didn’t see a dr from ages 16-31 – so no blood work, nothing. I figured like the poster above, any doctor would shame, act like I was dumb etc. Made an appointment for a physical, while talking I made self deprecating comment about — I’m way behind on everything. And I still remember her response — well you’re here now, so we’ll take care of everything. That response/bedside manner I think has been instrumental in me seeking care thru my later 30s even after I moved to a new city etc. When people jump all over others for not seeking care that they likely know they should have sought, it makes them even more reluctant and more years drag on.

        1. Thank you for writing this.

          My GYN experience in my early 20s was just terrible. I went in for abdominal pain, and was shamed, told it was psychosomatic, and she kept trying to get me on the Pill, despite not bring active and with no plans to become active. Did I mention the shaming?

          I also recall that she used the same size speculum for all of her patients.

          After that… haven’t gone in a decade. The guidelines are to go every few years if you aren’t active, but, eh.

          1. I’m sorry to hear about your experience. It sounds exactly like what happened to a friend of mine in her 20s. It turns out she has endometriosis.

            And another friend was not s3xually active and had a really awful experience with a GYN her first visit and has never gone back. She is 50 now…..

      3. I’ve never been to an OB/GYN and my PCP (who I see annually) takes care of my exams and paps. Is there something I’m missing by not seeing an OB/GYN?

        1. Not as long as you are having PAPs and nothing out of the ordinary, no. Getting them done is the important part!

          1. (Just a pedantic FYI, PAP isn’t an acronym. It’s Pap — named after Georgios Papanikolaou, the doctor who invented the test.)

    4. I usually see a nurse practitioner. They have a ton of experience and they can write my bc rx, which is pretty much the only reason I go regularly.

    5. A few tips:
      1) definitely go to a gyn, not a PCP or family medicine doctor. Gyns do way more internal exams and are much better at them in my experience. I definitely think being 2-3 years out of residency would be plenty of experience, since they do them literally all day every day.
      2) Sexist, but I’d choose a women. I think a lot of men don’t have the same gentle touch because they don’t have the same parts. They may know how to do the exam perfectly from a medical perspective but women will be gentler (and tend to have smaller hands).
      3) Most importantly, talk to them beforehand! Tell them you’re nervous about it! If you’ve never had p-in-v intercourse (unclear from your question), tell them! They can use a small speculum and talk you through everything they’re doing. Any competent doctor will be totally understanding that you’re nervous about it and will want to do everything they can to make you comfortable.

      1. Definitely a gyn at least the first time. Most PCPs maybe do 1-5 internals per week, GYNs do them 8+ hours a day, 5 days a week — they are quicker because they know exactly what they’re looking for and gentler because of all the practice. Plus in case you end up needing something like a smaller speculum, a gyn office will have every size available; with a PCP there may only be 1-2 options that they stock and there’s no reason for you to have to be uncomfortable.

      2. +1

        This is an excellent post.

        I strongly suggest you see an GYN – not a primary care doctor – for your first exam. I strongly suggest you see a woman. I would be comfortable seeing a younger doctor, as long as they had been practicing for 2 or 3 years at a place with a good reputation. I agree that the younger doctors are often very up to date on current treatment standards, and less bound by…. “well, this is the way I was taught how to do it…. 20 years ago….”.

        Like you, I never went to a GYN. I wasn’t s3xually active, and honestly was pretty ignorant about preventative care…. and I was in medical school!

        I had my first GYN exam by my primary care doctor at the local medical school when I was 27. It was awful awful awful. She was rough, used too large a speculum, and honestly…. didn’t believe me when I said I had never been s3xually active. She was slow… and she ruptured me and I bled quite a bit. Even she was shocked how much I bled and was like…. “Gee! You’re bleeding!…. look at this!!! Why are you bleeding…”. Ya think?!?!

        I was so traumatized I didn’t go back for years. When I finally went back, I went to a GYN who was recommended as being a wonderful person as well as a good doctor. I told her I was traumatized from my prior experience and she was great. Everything went fine.

        Never go to a male GYN. I went to Harvard and the extremely small number of men I knew who went into OB/GYN were….. creepy and inappropriate. We heard stories.

        Good for you for deciding to take care of yourself. Be very clear with the doctor about your history and look them in the eye when you are giving it. Make them believe you.

        1. That’s terrible! I’m so sorry >:-|

          I saw a male gyn for my first exam (because of location and insurance) and he was great, but his entire practice is devoted to doctors not pushing patients around. (I asked about him in a FB group before I went and heard him described as “a midwife trapped in the body of a man.”) So if you’re in Fort Wayne, IN, Dr Stroud is great, but otherwise I would also look for a woman.

          1. Different poster who didn’t go to H – to me it suggests that she’s saying that even at top schools some of the males choosing gyn are the types you don’t want looking there. So don’t think – well I’d normally avoid males but come on this guy must be great, he went to H, it’s so hard to get in there etc.

          2. Meaning don’t judge a male OB/GYN as he must be good because he went to Harvard Med.
            Creepy guys and bad doctors can be from everywhere.

            Maybe this is obvious to you. But many of us blindly choose our doctors. I have. You can’t trust online reviews (I hope everyone knows that….), and if we move to a new place we may not know where to go. So I recommend avoiding male OB/GYN, no matter how good his CV looks. Also try to get a personal recommendation from someone you respect who has good judgment. When I move to a new place, I will often ask someone much senior to me at work who has lived in that city for many years, or their females spouse.

            In this day and age, almost no men go into GYN at the good schools. Women actually want women MDs these days, and it is actually a bit harder for the male med students and residents to get as good training in GYN because patients often ask that they not be present. There is a lot of s3xually abuse out there, as we know, and women are now stronger about wanting to be comfortable and at ease with their doctors. Soif that means no male strangers going into their privates…. so be it.

        3. +1 to female gyn. When I got pregnant, the first OB DH and I went to see was male. He had LOTS of great reviews online. After the doc mentioned giving me a breast exam to evaluate breastfeeding “quality”, I just got the worst creeps. It probably didn’t help that he sounded like he just got off the Jersey Shore set and was a word away from adding “bro” to the end of each sentence. I got the F out of there (without ever undressing). After agreeing on the inner jeepers, DH and I laughed at how uncomfortable the whole thing was. A few weeks later another couple in the new parent class shared the same experience. Fast forward, my next female OB raised her eyebrows at the suggestion that a physical breast exam can somehow predict breastfeeding ease. She did help us understand breastfeeding techniques and was generally awesome. I don’t know who was writing the rave reviews for the male doc, but in my book I will always choose a female OB/GYN.

      3. Younger gyns might have received more training in soft skills, and, honestly, might represent a different generation of feminism. I’m kind of afraid of angry old feminist gyns who yell at you if you show weakness or pain.

        1. +1. IDK if it’s soft skills or still liking their jobs or what but in my limited experience I’ve found younger female gyns gentler and more patient. Meanwhile I’ve found older women to take a more OMG just relax already, it’s NBD type of approach and haven’t found them to have the lightest touch. I could almost see one older female rolling her eyes at me (she didn’t but I could see her displeasure) while demanding I relax.

          1. God I hate that. No, I cannot relax when you are yelling at me to release my muscles.

        2. I also prefer younger female GYNs, because I’ve found it more comfortable discussing my 20s-30s dating life with someone closer to a contemporary. Like, I don’t want to be tutted at for having to take Plan B or whatever.

          1. This. I’ve also found it easier to have frank convos about STIs, etc. I once had a Very Important Question about HSV2 and I really appreciated that my doctor had me hop off the table (..I was not still in the gown) and sit on the couch next to her like a peer (not bff/friendship bracelet-peers, but like we are both smart, science-literate women trying to deal with dating/taking responsibility for our health) while we discussed it at length.

    6. My sister who is a med student is pro junior doctors bc she claims that these are people who are the most up to date on the most recent science. I can’t tell you whether her view is biased or if it will change once she actually finishes her residency. But as a 40 yr old attorney (ie a mid-life professional?), I would be comfortable with a gun with two yrs of experience post residency. I might feel differently if I were dealing with a rare gyno condition, but for a regular appt where at most you’ll need issue spotting, I wouldn’t worry about it. You’ll be fine. And let your Dr know that you’re not used to pelvic exams and are nervous about it.

      1. This has always been my mother’s advice as well – she’s a pharmacist and is more skeptical of the older doctors since they sometimes just do what they have always done.

        I’ve had good experiences with male OBs – if anything, they sometimes seemed more inclined to believe my opinion about the severity of certain issues (sort of an “I defer to your expertise because you actually have the equipment”). Some of the female OBs I met were pretty “suck it up buttercup” which I usually appreciate but I don’t tend to complain unless something is really really bad, so the fact that I’m bothering to bring something up is indicative of an actual problem.

    7. I’ve had my fair share of paps (I used to need one every 3 months… long story) and it’s pretty much the same everywhere. I’ve had it done by my GP, the gyn, the NP at the ob-gyn office, and a few students – even the students were fine at it. It’s such a standard, routine procedure that you don’t need someone with decades of experience.

      1. I disagree…not everyone thinks this is no big deal. I don’t think I’m super pain sensitive (and I’ve given birth) but I’ve had a few paps from PCPs and I found them much longer and more uncomfortable than the exams I’ve had from OBGYNs. If you’re one of the lucky ones who thinks this is a nothing exam, that’s great! Have it done by whoever you like. But in my experience, OBGYNs really do tend to perform a significantly faster and less painful exam and for someone who is anxious about it, that can make a huge difference.

    8. I’d like to say that I was visiting my gyn every year and she actually told me that I didn’t need to unless I had complications. Married 30 yo female for what it’s worth. She said to come back when I was pregnant.

      1. The recommendation is that you don’t need annual paps if you’ve consistently had normal pap smears and aren’t having new partners. But OP has never had one. And you still need to go to the doctor annually, you just don’t need a pap smear.

      2. I am not your doctor, but my experience with having several issues is that the reason you don’t need to go back frequently is that you have one partner, are either using birth control or are purposely not using birth control, and have had only good PAPs.

    9. I thought you said GYM and I wondered what kids had to do with being required to work out!

      1. Me too! I thought she was saying moms had to work out to lose the baby weight and I was about to get very indignant.

    11. I’m in my late 20s and was seeing an amazing young female gynecologist from when I was 15 to age 28 when I got pregnant. She was a few years out of residency when I started with her and was very gentle and understanding from the start. Since she wasn’t an ob, I needed to find a new doc for the pregnancy. The most recommended ob in my friend group was a man in his late 40s. He was the head of obstetrics and gynecology at a top 5 hospital in the US. He has been amazing both from a care perspective and bedside manner. I even looked forward to the weekly appointments (which all involved exams) at the end of the pregnancy and was very disappointed that he did not deliver my baby. Just adding this to say that my experience with a male ob has been wonderful and not creepy at all. Recommendations from people you know/trust are the way to go (versus online reviews) when finding this type of doctor especially.

  23. Question for those who have been to Iceland: Has anyone done the Golden Circle circle drive on their own and if so, how long would you recommend for it?

    I’ll be in Reykjavik for an extended stopover and I’m wondering if it’s possible to do the drive and hit the 3 big sights (Gulfoss, Geysir/Strokkur and the tectonic plates/ridge at Thingvellir National Park) in about 5 hours?

    My thought is to head out from Reykjavik very early, about 6-7am, with a goal of stopping back in Reykjavik by 1-2p for a quick lunch before heading to the airport for a 5pm flight.

    1. We just did this trip a couple weeks ago. Yes, it’s possible. Thingvellir is gorgeous (and deserted in the early a.m. – I think we were there around 6 am); the geysers are fun; the waterfall is HUGE (and very windy/cold the day we were there). The blue pools are neat to see, too – though what you see from pictures is pretty much it – there’s not more than that.

      If you have time, Old Iceland restaurant on the main tourist drag is amazingly, unbelievably good. But like everything else on the island, be prepared for sticker shock. A dinner for two with drinks was $200.

    2. Yes, it’s possible, but I hope you will entertain a few suggestions: If you haven’t already rented your car and are traveling in the summer, book it ASAP. I also recommend spending all of your available hours on the Golden Circle and don’t plan on eating lunch in Reykjavik. Reykjavik is perfectly fine but once you see the countryside, you will likely want to explore the rural areas. Plus, Reykjavik is a 45 minute drive from the airport, which will be cutting it close with parking, eating, and getting back to the airport. We spent an over an hour at Thingvellir and felt like we could have spent another hour there (didn’t go to the other two).
      It will be an expensive few hours, since it’s Iceland, but well worth it.

  24. Our beautiful finished basement flooded last night. Not super deep, about an inch on the non-carpeted areas, and the carpet is completely saturated. We want to get the water up ASAP, but we don’t know if our insurance will cover it. Money is tight at the moment.
    We can borrow a wet vacuum for free. I’m inclined to just clean it up ourselves, but I’m worried about mold. Has anyone had success with the wet vacs or is this something that should be left to the pros?

      1. We did. They told us to wait for the claims department to call back, and my fiance didn’t think to ask about when that would be. I’m nervous about leaving the standing water for more than a day or so, and we could wet vac it up tonight. I don’t want that to somehow screw up an insurance claim though.
        I guess my follow up question to the group would be how long a wait I should expect with claims? We’ve been homeowners for six weeks so this is all very new to us.

        1. Call them back and ask when you’ll hear from claims, and if it is OK to clean up in the mean time. Take pictures. I can’t imagine they expect you to wait days with standing water in your basement.

        2. Call and say it’s an emergency, ask how to proceed. When I had a flood they immediately sent out a remediation company once I reported it.

    2. Wetvac will work great. I’ve used one in that exact circumstance. We had to go ahead and replace the carpet, but removing damp carpet is a whole lot easier than removing carpet with an inch of water on top of it. Check with the insurance co. to see what documentation they might want – probably pictures.

    3. Pros–do NOT do this yourself. It’s not just cleaning it up, it’s ripping up your carpet and replacing it, and making sure everything is dried out. I would never trust just wet vacc’ing it. Mold is an issue. Call your ins company ASAP. Not only will they know how how to deal with this, but if you do not call them asap and/or attempt to do it yourself, you may wind up waiving coverage.

      1. Yeah I had water on my floors and the remediation people put down special pads that suck up all the water to prevent mold. Not something you can just do with a wetvac. It also made my electric bill skyrocket that month… but better that than mold.

    5. Yes on all the harass your insurance company, and DOCUMENT the responses. My parents had a sump pump situation during local flooding where the insurance co said hire whoever is able to take care of immediate damage (*pulling up carpet, wetvac, cutting out rotten drywall) and then a different person at the same co said we can’t cover XYZ.

  25. Consider a midwife NP if you have access. Most people don’t know that they treat women from puberty to menopause, not just during pregnancy. And it’s patient focused evidence based care and they are awesome.

  26. So, I went to the mall this weekend looking for a fitted, including the waist, blazer. I couldn’t find anything. Grrr. I just want a waist-defining, fitted blazer, and I could make do with any color. Anyone have a recommendation for me?

    On the other hand, Macy’s has a great sale on shoes if anyone is interested: if you buy two or more, 40% off!

    1. I would just budget for a tailor. Taking the waist in isn’t too expensive if everything else fits. But, if you really want a fitted blazer and don’t care how nice the fabric is – Express makes them more fitted at the waist than other brands. At Macy’s, Tahari’s blazers are more fitted as well. My old standby’s of Jcrew in some cuts and BR have apparently changed away from hourglass fit models recently, so don’t bother with them. You can also try the new Brook’s Brothers styles, they have really come a long way recently. It is more expensive and hit & miss on fit but the fabrics are really nice most of the time.

  27. What do I pack for a mid summer trip to Denver? Will I need jeans and sweaters at night if I’m going to be outside? Also, need recommendations for fun things to do in downtown. We will have 1 day downtown that is wide open.

    1. Weather varies wildly in Denver in summer. It can be 55 one day, 85 the next. Just check the weather a couple days before you go and pack accordingly.

  28. To the mom talking about getting a proper diagnosis for her daughter from the weekend post. You made me realize I may have ADHD. I grew up in a country where awareness and testing of such disorders was not a thing. I am a lawyer and generally have a successful life but often had anxiety because of my ADHD symptoms. I took a self-diagnosis test for adult ADHD and am making an appointment with my primary care. This explains so much of what has caused me years of confusion.

    Thank you for advocating for your daughter and getting her the right care. Thank you for helping me realize what may be going on as well.

  29. Some random man told me that Kate Spade’s designs are “trashy” and that is the story of how I almost got into a fight at one of my oldest friend’s wedding.

    1. I would have done the same thing, or just clobbered him with my beautiful sky-blue Kate Spade wallet.

  30. +100 on the preemie clothes. Best present by far we got while our guy was in the nicu. Makes you feel great when they finally get to wear clothes, to have something cute that actually fits. Also agree re: coordinating meal drop offs and straight-up cash. We used gift cards from friends for Uber rides to the hospital when we couldn’t stomach the subway any more.

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